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waitmyturtles · 1 year

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First review of the year, yay, and it’s for a GOOD ONE: the totally wonderful, heart-fulfilling She Loves to Cook and She Loves to Eat (Tsukuritai Onna to Tabetai Onna/TsukuTabe)! This was a GREAT DORAMA, with LOTS going on. I’m giving this the ultra-deep treatment, so: long post and spoilers!

(I know some folks had issues with finding the dorama to watch; please follow @furritsubs for all the info!)

I had posted an update on my viewing of the show earlier in December, and I’ll quickly review the context in which this show was aired, although my last post kinda explains things, too:

So I’ve written before that NHK, Japan’s largest broadcaster, doesn’t always mind taking risks with their shows, like the wonderful Life as a Girl and many more. As well, NHK has a number of different show formats, the most famous one being their asadoras, or 15-minute everyday morning dramas (asa = morning, dora = short for dorama). NHK also has a late-night 15-minute drama format called a yorudora, and TsukuTabe was their latest 10-episode installment before the end of 2022. (Many Japanese QL shows air in late-night slots -- like Kinou Nani Tabeta and Cherry Magic on TV Tokyo -- I think in part because they are considered more “adult” and/or not necessarily meant for primetime/family slots. However, the popularity of these shows, I think, far outweighs their airing times.)

So! A late-night GL by NHK. And one that’s reminiscent of a few other shows -- namely, the aforementioned Kinou Nani Tabeta and Cherry Magic, both of which I saw echoes of in TsukuTabe. (For the IMPORTANT record: this was my first GL. If I’m missing any obvious GL tropes, forgive me in advance. And NHK has not shied away from queer/lesbian content before, most notably 2019′s Mistress.)

The show is set up between two neighbors, Nomoto and Kasuga. Nomoto loves to cook, but doesn’t have a huge appetite. And she loves to cook HUGE PORTIONS. Who’s gonna eat a huge portion of food?

She finds Kasuga in her building one day, carrying loads of delivery, which Kasuga clarifies is just for herself. Nomoto’s intrigued. She helplessly makes a huge meal one night, hears Kasuga approaching, and invites her in -- and away we go.

A couple of themes that I’m reflecting on. First, food. Damn it: Japan just WINS AT FOOD DORAMAS. YOU WIN! Food doramas -- Wakako Zake, Kodoku no Gurume, Kinou Nani Tabeta, SO MANY MORE -- you just suck me in. I even cook from these shows! LOOK AT THIS!

Yes, it IS beautiful!

At least in my opinion, when themes of food and cooking are connected to QL content in Asian content, I think the design is intentional to draw in food-loving audiences that may otherwise NOT watch QL. I felt that strongly with Kinou Nani Tabeta, which was wildly successful in Japan, not withstanding the unbelievable casting and acting of the A-list actors, Nishijima Hidetoshi and Uchino Seiyou.

But what I loved first about TsukuTabe is that the themes of food and cooking were used to tell multiple story strands about Nomoto and Kasuga throughout the show. Whereas in KNT, it was the actual cooking and eating of dinner every night that shaped Shiro-san’s and Kenji’s permanent relationship together, Nomoto and Kasuga had individually defined, previous relationships with food and cooking that just so happened to coincide upon their meeting. For instance, Kasuga reveals that she eats tremendous portions to make up for a childhood that was very conservative and sexist, where she was made to eat smaller portions than her father and brother, and was oftentimes left hungry at night.

Nomoto herself reveals in the middle of the series to Kasuga that cooking for people makes her so happy that she can literally cry, and she does.

Nomoto hasn’t had anyone else in her life before who would respond to the huge portions she loves cooking. It could come off as transactional, but for Nomoto, it is not at all. Her huge portions of cooking are meant as an investment in another person. If another person ever responded to her huge portions with total abandon and appreciation, as Kasuga does -- then that person has totally fulfilled Nomoto’s emptiness.

But what I also love about this theme of cooking is that TsukuTabe uses it to make a distinct critique of male-oriented Japanese society -- in that Nomoto has previously been pegged as a family-oriented person for her love of cooking.

I LOVE THIS. Oooooh gosh, it is pointed and spicy. Oftentimes, I interpret cooking as a means of compassion and investment -- a definition of creating family through the intimacy of cooking and eating together.

BUT I LOVED THAT TsukuTabe turned this on its head. TsukuTabe’s storyline definitely checked me. Here, TsukuTabe points to its audience and says -- if you cook together, create a family together -- why does that responsibility always fall on women? Why does it always SEEM to fall on women? Even in the nostalgic gaze of adults reminiscing about their childhoods -- isn’t it usually the mothers making the home and table for their family? Do you KNOW what it TAKES for a mom to actually pull that shit off? I love that Nomoto calls bullshit on all of it in one shot.

And actually, KNT turned the tables a bit on this paradigm, too. KNT showed that a gay male couple could still say tadaima and okaeri to each other, to cook together, and to have dinner every night. I don’t think the KNT storylines were necessarily created as a critique of society, though -- those storylines were more meant to demonstrate to an audience that a gay male couple CAN be family. (EDITED TO ADD: the wonderful @bengiyo notes in the notes that KNT actually had quite a bit of critique about the way gay males are treated in society, and I totally agree, so I want to edit this post without hiding my previous content -- I think the writers of the KNT dorama and manga both handled the societal critiques in more subtle ways than in TsukuTabe. To reinterpret what I was trying to say about KNT -- I think the presentation of common familial practices in KNT was deliberate to demonstrate that those exact practices can absolutely be used in a same-sex relationship, helping a Japanese audience to see that family is family, no matter who’s in it.)

TsukuTabe does not shy away from the critiques. Besides this cooking-related storyline (I mean -- Kasuga literally being hungry as a child, chosen to receive less food than her younger brother -- BOTH of her parents were total misogynists), there’s also stories about equity told WITHIN the food itself.

In Japan, there are often assumptions held that between a cishet couple, a woman will eat less than a man. This concept is borne out in part by couples bowls, often given as wedding gifts, where one bowl is smaller than the other.

I actually first saw the trope of couples bowls in the second volume of the Old Fashion Cupcake manga. Togawa and Nozue are on a trip to an onsen, and are wandering the town in their onsen yukatas (very cute). They go into a ceramics store, and Nozue is silently struggling with wanting to get two bowls for himself and Togawa -- but all the couples bowl sets are different sizes. (The scene ends with the cashier leveraging her radar to create a set of two same-sized bowls for our darling Cupcakes.)

Kasuga is shown in the beginning of TsukuTabe at a restaurant ordering a karaage set. The shop’s master gives her less rice than the male customer sitting next to her. She seethes. And asks for more rice. She gets her full portion.

So we know that Nomoto eats less than Kasuga -- but I happen to really, deeply love the way this difference is portrayed in certain parts of the show, because I think it indicates that the series is treating this pairing as a cishet couple would normally be treated in everyday Japanese society -- the kind of society that TsukuTabe is very pointedly criticizing.

This scene depicts the gals eating haruko meshi, a salmon donburi topped with ikura (see footnote). I’m showing the first two screenshots purely for the GORGEOUS LOOKING DISH, HOLY EFF, but I love the overhead shot of their differing portions!

I love the looped critique shown in this shot, while also honing in on who Nomoto and Kasuga are, authentically. They’re gonna eat different portions because they’re different people, which, like, sometimes happens in a coupling. Why should they be treated differently than a cishet couple, simply for both being women? I think that’s what the show is saying.

AND: there’s a small but lovely resolution to this particular thread in the last episode. Kasuga takes Nomoto back to the restaurant where Kasuga was initially served less rice. The shopkeepers changed their policy, as Kasuga discovers -- and they ask all customers if they wanted a small, medium, or large portion of rice. Nomoto, of course, takes the small, and Kasuga takes the large.

Guh. I just love this. I really love the quiet critique happening in these shots, in these differing portions of food, that allow these two to be themselves while coming to terms with what it means for them to be spending time together.

So, speaking of spending time together, perhaps I saved the best for last in this review by analyzing the actual coupling of Nomoto and Kasuga together (but listen, okay, for me, the food ranks really high, REALLY HIGH).

Off the bat, the show doesn’t show any heat between these two. They don’t actually get together in the traditional sense -- no conversation about dating, no physicality, nothing. They just spend time together and talk and eat and cook. The manga itself only has three volumes in Japan, and I’m not even sure that they HAVE gotten together yet in the manga at present. I BELIEVE, by following Twitter and IG, that something MAY be brewing with them holding hands, but I’m honestly not sure yet. But back to the dorama:

Nomoto’s journey in this show is that she comes to realize that she is a lesbian, in love with Kasuga. In this case, her journey is similar to that of Ida in Kieta Hatsukoi, who begins to date Aoki, but doesn’t know what love feels like, because Ida has never dated before. He doesn’t know what it feels like, admits it, and wants to explore it.

So, Nomoto has never dated before. She’s talking about Kasuga to a co-worker, without revealing that Kasuga is a woman. The co-worker (HELLO, MORITA MISATO, LOVE YOU AND YOUR RISKY WORK) knocks Nomoto on the head with the obvious, which leaves Nomoto stunned:

And Nomoto goes into reflection mode, thinking about her childhood and teenagehood, when her friends ask her who she likes and who she’s dating.

(But, before that happens, a quick note on colors, inspired by @respectthepetty, the best colors analyzer -- while Nomoto is in the dark for some time in her revelations, Kasuga sees the light, and it’s made clear in the show that she likes Nomoto, which lights up her lonely and otherwise previously dark life.)

Much of Nomoto’s ultimate reflection on her past and her sexuality takes place in a literal fever dream, where she sees herself as a youngster, not relating to her friends (“everyone is dating now,” etc.). And then she sees Kasuga walking away.

(Where else did we see this? In Cherry Magic: The Movie, when Adachi wakes up from his accident in a fright -- starting his journey to acknowledging Kurosawa as his life partner, both internally and externally.)

In Nomoto’s case: she recognizes that she needs to grapple with her past, and move from it.

And then, Kasuga comes to Nomoto, food in hand, ready to care for Nomoto in her fever. As Nomoto eats alone after Kasuga departs, Nomoto finally acknowledges her feelings -- and is determined to be okay with them, no matter how society reacts to it, even saying it out loud.

What I LOVE about the character of Nomoto is that she’s not ever particularly weighed down by society. She thumbs her nose at it. She certainly hears her mother’s demands to “find a nice guy to settle down with.” She grew up with friends who expected her to date men. Yet, throughout the entire show, gender equity is the forefront conversation, and you can see some of the fire in this last screenshot of Nomoto. It’s the same fire you see in her in the first volume of the translated manga -- Nomoto just doesn’t stand for inequitable bullshit. Her own revelations about her own sexuality needed some time to simmer -- but society will not keep her back from being who she is. I LOVE the way she is written. (And Higa Manami played her BEAUTIFULLY.)

The show ends with Nomoto seeing the light, standing beside Kasuga.

Again: they don’t officially get together. Nomoto acknowledges that what she will do is stand beside Kasuga. Because I don’t know where the manga currently stands with them being an actual couple, I can’t blame NHK for not pushing this envelope, but I do wonder a touch if some viewers were disappointed by not seeing a romantic acknowledgement between the two of them.

For me, it’s no matter, as y’all know I love a good and quiet dorama. (My god, the biggest show of last season in Japan, Silent -- that didn’t even end with a kiss, I was a little shocked!).

TsukuTabe took the assumed roles of women and totally spun them on their heads -- a tremendously important exercise in a country that is not famous for its gender equity.

Tackling two major critiques of society -- gender equity and LGBTQ rights -- this show took on a LOT, it did not shy away from it, and I deeply loved and appreciated this dorama for it. There was so much going on. Hunger and starvation leading to companionship and fulfillment. It was a beautiful show, and watching it was a great way to end 2022.

* * *

Two quick footnotes. First: the actress who plays Kasuga, Nishino Emi -- y’all should follow her if you’re on IG. She is SO SO SO COOL. She’s a great singer, great fashion taste, everything! She’s badass.

Secondly, aaahhhh, I kinda got obsessed with haruko meshi! Really quick: haruko meshi is from Miyagi Prefecture, where Nomoto is from, and is like a salmon sashimi and ikura donburi, but instead, the salmon is cooked with the rice with seasonings, like takikomi gohan. Kinou Nani Tabeta has a GREAT depiction of takikomi or kayaku gohan -- you can add mirin, sake, and shoyu to your rice cooker to cook the rice in those seasonings with other ingredients, like veggies, mushrooms, or even fish. If you have kids, make takikomi gohan -- I have never met a child who didn’t like seasoned rice!

Anyway, anything with ikura floats my boat, so I think I’ll have to make haruko meshi soon (although maybe without a ton of ikura since it’s so damn expensive), but holy fuck, doesn’t it look so good?!? AAAAHHH, I LOVE FOOD DORAMAAAAASS!

#tsukuritai onna to tabetai onna #tsukutabe #she loves to cook and she loves to eat #kinou nani tabeta?#cherry magic the movie #old fashion cupcake #food dorama #higa manami #nishino emi #nhk #nhk yorudora #yorudora #nomoto x kasuga #kasuga x nomoto

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kymuryacademia · 6 months

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November 15th, 2023

These photos are from the air flow simulation I did yesterday, to find out what impact the wind would have on the structure of the identification buoy. I recorded the animations to make it easier to analyze.

It was fun to do this, I discovered that I can make several different types of fluids, which could be useful in future projects. The article is almost ready, along with the boat and buoy codes.

Here are the charts with results generated from Solidworks:

Generally I don't do this, but I'll put the translation of the analysis I put in the article here, maybe it can help someone.

Although it is not common to carry out engineering tests in this specific context, we chose to conduct an analysis dedicated to aerodynamic conditions, aiming to understand the effect of wind on the structural integrity of the buoy. To carry out this study, we used Solidworks, making use of the fluid simulation system incorporated into the program.

Initially, we modeled the buoy structure, assigning specific materials to each component. Subsequently, we establish the necessary boundary conditions to faithfully simulate the behavior of the structure in real conditions. In the next step, we created surfaces that represent the wind pressure in the region where it impacts the buoy, and defined the area in which the wind pressure would be applied. The application of wind loads and adjustment of analysis settings were carried out using the “Flow Simulation” tool.

This process allowed an accurate representation of the aerodynamic conditions on the buoy structure. Additionally, we adjust relevant parameters for the analysis, ensuring a comprehensive approach.

The simulation execution culminated in the generation of a comprehensive report, documenting the results obtained. The interpretation of these results provided valuable insights into the structure's performance under simulated aerodynamic conditions. This engineering test highlighted the importance of considering aerodynamic conditions when assessing structural integrity.

It is possible to highlight some fundamental reasons for the importance of this analysis, such as the assessment of structural integrity, assessment of operational safety, design optimization, which can result in savings in materials and manufacturing costs.

The Montagem_boia.SLDSAM model was configured with standard parameters, carrying out 57 iterations to achieve convergent results. The mesh was defined with basic dimensions (Nx = 40, Ny = 9, Nz = 17), and boundary conditions were established to represent the fluid environment of interest.

The physical time interval considered was 0 seconds, and the CPU time required for the simulation was also recorded. The simulation results revealed an interesting distribution of fluid properties and flow characteristics. The total number of cells in the mesh was 7626, all occupied by the fluid. Among these, 1106 cells were in direct contact with solids.

The mesh dimensions (X,Y,Z) indicated a significant extension of the model, with minimum and maximum variations in each direction. Analysis of the velocity field revealed a range of [0 m/s; 7,510 m/s], indicating different flow regimes within the simulation domain. The pressure varied between [101294.37 Pa; 101430.23 Pa], with a reference pressure of 101325.00 Pa. The temperature remained relatively constant, with values varying from [293.20 K; 293.21 K]. The fluid density showed a minimum variation, within the range of [1.20 kg/m^3; 1.21 kg/m^3].

There was no consideration of factors such as heat in solids, radiation, porous media and gravity to simplify the model to meet the specific objectives of this simulation. Based on the analysis of the images obtained, the reduction in wind speed becomes visible when facing the structure of the identifying buoy.

Notably, the average wind speed in São Paulo, situated at 25km/h, is insufficient to cause damage to the aforementioned structure or to displace it from its original position. It is also worth noting that, when encountering the obstacle represented by the buoy, the wind flow tends to bypass the structure mostly from above, to the detriment of the sides.

This observation suggests an effective resistance of the buoy to direct wind impact, contributing to its stability and structural robustness. The results clearly indicate that the structure's resistance to wind action is remarkable, since the force exerted by the wind did not reach levels that would compromise the integrity or stability of the configuration.

The solidity of the structure in the face of these conditions suggests that the design presents a robust and adequate response to the expected wind loads.

Sorry for any grammatical errors ~

#stem #studyblr #stem academia #studyspo #study motivation #studyinspo #study aesthetic #engineering #studying #solidworks #3d model #computer engineering #mathematics #flow simulation #cad

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eluvisen · 6 months

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twenty questions for fic writers

I was tagged by @commander-krios thank you! <3 If you'd like to do this, consider yourself tagged!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

43 works

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

838,649

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Fallout, KOTOR, Andromeda Six, Mass Effect and Dragon Age. I used to write for Elder Scrolls back in my FFNet days.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Marriage and Other Forms of War (Fallout 4)

One If By Land (Fallout 4)

Welcome Home (Fallout 4)

What Makes a Memory (Fallout 4)

Remnants of a Dream (Mass Effect: Andromeda)

I wasn’t expecting to see my ME:A fic make this list lol.

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to respond to every one, but sometimes it takes a while to muster the energy to reply.

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don’t usually go for angsty endings but probably Almost So Perfect. After some emotional hurt/comfort Bastila kisses Carth and then freaks out and immediately cuts things off.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

My personal rule is that I can torment my characters as much as I want as long as they get a happy ending, so most of my fics have happy endings, but the fic I think of first is What Makes a Memory. The difference between the first and last chapters is like night and day. Kaelyn begins the story wanting to forget it all because her grief overshadows everything, but by the end she’s ready to live in the present again. I’m still proud of that one.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Thankfully, no. Although I did turn off comment notifications on FFNet because commenters on my FO4 fics wouldn’t stop trying to outsmart me and play gotcha.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I used to, mainly M/F.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Crossovers aren’t my jam so I don’t write them.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

As far as I’m aware, no.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nobody’s asked me if they could translate a fic, so I’m assuming no.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have. As a teen, a cousin and I cowrote some stuff. More recently, a friend and I were working on a Fallout fic with our Sole Survivors, but we both burnt out before it was finished.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

If I had to pick one (and I don’t like choosing lol) I’d have to go with Revanasi since it's my oldest ship.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

The aforementioned Fallout collaboration would be nice to finish, but we’re both in different fandoms now so the inspiration isn’t there.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Characterisation, emotions, dialogue and description.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Combat, action and plot.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I’ve used things like Mando’a and I made up some Catharese words for one fic since it doesn’t have its own conlang. My personal rule is that the meaning of words in another language should be clear based on context. A translation guide in the author’s notes is okay, but when I'm reading I know I won’t constantly scroll up and down to the translations because I'll lose my place in the chapter. So I won’t do that to my readers, either.

That said, I’ve seen workskins for AO3 that allow users to hover or tap on text and see a translation. If I were going to include other languages more often in a fic, I’d probably use that to make it easier on readers.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

KOTOR

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

Probably Marriage and Other Forms of War. That fic remains the longest I’ve ever written, clocking in at 233k words, and I gave Kaelyn and Nate the ending they deserved.

That said, I have an Andromeda Six fic in the works that might take the cake once it’s finished…

#tagged

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nomorefstogive · 1 year

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Hydro Archon Headcanons

Hello all, these are the headcanons I mentioned in my previous post about the Hydro Archon.

This will be a part of a series of three detailing my views on the previously unseen archons of Fontaine, Natlan, and Snezhnaya and my opinions on what roles they would play in a SAGAU story.

These views and headcanons will be for both general SAGAU, as well as for my own aus, however they will mostly be loosely based on the universe of my ‘For Want of A Vision Au’ as they will help to elaborate on some of the world changes made during said au, and can be considered an intermission till I get around to making a part 2 of the aforementioned au.

I will also make mention of my other aus ‘Mother Knows Best’ and ‘Twin God Au’ at some points throughout these posts as well in addition to a normal SAGAU, because I am a self indulging bastard who loves those aus too much lol.

In all seriousness please let me know if my habit of including them in stuff like this drags down their quality and if you wish for me to remove them from these headcanons as I will do so.

The Headcanon Info will be listed like this:

Archon Name: (Origin)

Human Name: (Meaning)

Appearance Pre Shaper Death Headcanon:

Personality pre Shaper Death Headcanon:

Pre Shaper Death Quote:

What were they like during the Shaper’s reign:

What role did they play during the Shaper’s first reign:

What relationship did they have with the Shaper/Guide/Mother:

What happened to them after/what effect did the Shaper’s death have on them:

Appearance Post Shaper Death:

Personality Post Shaper Death:

Post Shaper Death Quote:

How did they react to learning of the Shaper’s coming return/How did they react to the Mother and Guide becoming active again:

What actions have they taken since learning of the Shaper’s coming return/What do they plan to do upon their return:

Appearance Pre Shaper Return:

Personality Pre Shaper Return:

Pre Shaper Return Quote:

Please note that they are styled like this without mention of the Shaper’s second death, which occurred during the events of the ‘For Want Of A vision Au,’ as they are supposed to be able to be used without context of that au, although I suppose it could also be because I feel that the amount of information is already far too much for my pistachio sized smooth brain to deal with lol.

In all seriousness I suppose I am being somewhat lazy for omitting that part of their character info, but this is not suppose to be exclusive to that Au and can are meant to contain some of my general headcanons on the characters in question, with some aid from two of my favorite AUs to use in any of my SAGAU ideas or works, ‘Mother Knows Best’ and ‘Twin God’, on how these characters became who I imagine them to be in a SAGAU universe.

I like to imagine that the structure of a typical SAGAU universe is that there is a time the Shaper/Prime/Creator was active in Teyvat before the events of the game where something happened that resulted in them either being slain or forced to leave Teyvat, perhaps some of the people of Khaenri'ah decided to try their hands at deicide in their arrogance and wound up getting nuked for their sins as I like to think their cursed form was the result of them being at ground zero of the shaper’s death, similar to Havria’s death having turned those nearest to her to salt.

After this period of their reign we get to the events that are a mixture of both before and during the game, which culminate in the eventual return of the Shaper as a result of either the characters taking action or of something else resulting in them being brought back home to Teyvat.

With all of that said, let the show begin!

Oh, and P.S. I used these headcanons as something of guide for how to structure the story I did on the Hydro Archon and that is why the quote’s are included, I also decided to keep them to show more of what I perceive her personality was like at each interval.

Trigger Warnings for: Self Mutilation, Eye Trauma, Religious themes, Cultish Themes, Depression, Grief, Self Loathing, Guilt, and Trauma.

First let us start with the Hydro Archon herself, also please note this was made before the reveal of her name being Focalors and so I went with my headcanon names for her Archon and Human names:

Hydro Archon:

Archon Name: Minos (Origin: Dante’s Inferno)

Human Name: Danielle (Meaning: God is my judge)

Appearance Pre Shaper Death Headcanon:

A Stately beauty of above average height, sharp and regal features, with long sapphire hair with diamond white streaks in it and unique eyes that were a mix of gold and silver with a sapphire pupil with a diamond white design shaped like a scale of justice in the center. Her attire was often armor forged in the designs of waves and seas made of cobalt and sapphire, and inlaid with gold and silver in addition to a scaled cloak.

The Gauntlets, done in the style of crashing waves, the rich sapphire of the metal giving way to the white of sea foam near the tips of the pointed finger tips to make it seem as though they were the tide fit to drag the one they held in their grip into their briny depths.

And her Sabatons done in the design of the deep stillness of the ocean bottom, onyx and sapphire colors that steadily gave way to the brighter and more vibrant shades of her leggings and chestplate, as though the entire suit was done to show all of the zones of the ocean emblazoned upon steel.

Although she would also occasionally don the attire of an aristocratic lord, with black gloves. a tail coat of royal blue sat over a crisp whit dress shirt, an ascot of silver coloration that bore a gleaming sapphire pendant on it, and a pair of dark blue dress pants tucked into polished black shoes.

She likewise was fond of carrying an executioner's blade, forged out of the silver and sapphire bones of a great sea demon she slew in her bid of conquest during the archon war, that bore the depiction of the scales of justice as it’s crossguard done in gold with a grip of ruby red leather and a pommel made from a large sapphire said to be either a demon or god’s eye.

Yet when she could not bear her blade, in particular when she deigned to attend parties or celebrations of some kind, she would choose to instead carry a cane of silver and sapphire, emblazoned with the design of some great tentacled beast reaching from stygian depth to seize fast the ship that rested at the top of the cane in its tendrils.

Personality pre Shaper Death Headcanon:

Minos was well known as being a brutally honest woman who was not shy in the slightest about giving voice to her opinions on a matter, even if said opinions were more than likely fit to turn those around her against her and lead to no small amount of turmoil. It was in fact more than likely that she enjoyed said reaction to her words and maintained her brutal honesty simply to indulge in her enjoyment of the reaction it tended to elicit.

Said brutal honesty was not aided by her being of a somewhat moderately arrogant mindset, more than likely stemming from both her statues as an Archon and her position as one of the confidants and comrades of the divine one, although it could also have stemmed from the power of her eyes and her certainty that she would always know the truth of any matter regardless of whether others wished it or not.

Despite these traits she was also known for being a highly witty woman who possessed a great deal of charisma and intelligence, all of which were further tempered by the wisdom she had gained from both the Archon war and in ruling her nation.

She tended to behave with the grace of a lord or lady with her refined mannerisms and chivalrous acts around others, although more often than not she tended to lose said refined mannerisms when around her closest of friends and confidants and instead showed a more relaxed personality that was not shy about bantering with them over wine.

She was also well known for having somewhat of a need for attention, especially from those she considered close friends and confidants as she would frequently go out of her way to ensure that she received their undivided attention when they were together, perhaps this was one of the reasons she came to so greatly enjoy the spectacle of the courtroom and the attention of all present being fixed upon her as they awaited her verdict.

Yet despite all of this, there was one facet of the personality of the Justiciar of Hydro that made her no shortage of both friends and foes, and that was her boundless hunger to learn the truth of any situation or matter that came to seize her attention, even if said truth could offer no benefit to herself or to anyone else for that matter.

Indeed, were it not for her wisdom and charisma her pursuit of total truth in matters that interested her would have made her no shortage of enemies from even her fellow gods as she oft found herself becoming intrigued about the secrets they held and abusing her position as the God of Justice to learn all that she could in regards to said matters.

Yet beyond her hunger for the truth she tended to be quite adverse to the idea of revealing any of her own secrets, a hypocrisy which tended to be made fun of by those who knew of it as they found the idea of the Goddess of Truth keeping secrets and even resorting to abusing her position and power to keep them, to be equally infuriating and amusing.

Although there was one person who could pry her secrets from her, one person that she could never hold herself back from doting upon whenever they would meet, and one person whom she kept her greatest of all secrets from; The Shaper.

Pre Shaper Death Quote:

“My eyes shall ever behold only the truth of this world and of your radiance. Know well that you are eternally safe by my side, for my gaze shall ever know the intentions and flaws of all of whom it rests upon.

By my right as your Divine Judge and your Eyes shall no harm come to you so long as I stand by your side, your eminence. Now, how about we retire to my estate, your grace?

I have recently come into possession of a rather fine vintage I would like to share with someone other than the God of Drunkards. We can enjoy it while we talk about that fool's taste in colors because I swear to you that painting almost made me ill.”

What were they like during the Shaper’s reign:

During the first reign of the Shaper, Minos was notorious amongst her fellows for having a whit every bit as sharp as the cleaving edge of her blade, a whit that tended to be paired with an exceptionally blunt and brutally honest disposition that many times lead to her fellows gritting their teeth at her words.

Yet, this brutally honest demeanor and her whit worked quite well when paired with her knowledge of human nature and the wisdom she had gained over her long life prior to, and during, the Archon War as it made for her being exceptionally effective at coercing the truth from individuals without resorting to her eyes special abilities.

She was also quite infamous for being every bit a wine connoisseur that a certain bard was…granted she was able to reign in her love of the drink to control just how much and how often she tended to indulge her love of the drink so that she was able to function throughout the day without accidentally serenading a statue and then becoming quite upset when it did not respond to her queries of if it enjoyed the song or not.

In addition to her fondness for wine the Justiciar of Hydro was also well known for being a bibliophile who would regularly coerce Rukahdevatta into aiding her in both locating old tomes and scrolls that endured the archon war and in acquiring new tomes and scrolls that were being published in the aftermath of the war.

Yet her greatest and most well known of traits was her great appreciation for the arts, a trait which tended to have a somewhat love/hate relationship with her propensity for brutal honesty given the amount of times artists were left in tears after she gave an exceedingly harsh critique of their work.

And yet it could be argued that her propensity for brutal honesty and harsh critiques became one of the chief reasons for the cultural renaissance that engulfed her land after the Archon war which would endure even after the Shaper’s demise countless years later on despite having diminished to but a mere trickle of what it once was, as it served as a means of weeding out those who were not truly committed to their passions and works as artists of their varying fields.

It was often said that those who could endure the executioner's blade that was the tongue of Minos and rise from the wreckage tended to either grow to be amongst the greatest artist of their lands due to her harsh and yet also fair critique, or were driven mad attempting to live up to the god’s expectations and that is assuming they did not abandon their craft altogether after she dismantled them with but her words alone.

Her love of the arts was matched but by two other loves, the first of which was her seemingly endless yearning to learn the truth of all things that interested her, be they the affairs of her people or the affairs of her fellow gods. More often than not this hunger for the truth and information would lead to conflict with Barbatos as he tended to view her blatant use of her divine powers to pry secrets from her own people as an infringement of their freedoms, even occasionally leading to him calling her the “Tyrant of Truth,” during some of their more heated arguments.

Though it was not just Barbatos that came to find her hunger for the truth vexing, as more often than not she would find herself in heated debates and arguments over the facts of historical events with Morax, often kept from using the power of her eyes upon him by the threat of facing the eldest of the Archons fury and by the intervention of the Shaper.

And it was within the Shaper that the second of the things which eclipsed her love of the arts could be found, a love that she kept under lock and key even as she longed above all else to set it free and revel in it as freely as the Cryo Archon reveled in her own adoration and love of the Divine One.

Yet despite this longing to lay bare her heart afore the most holy one, she kept it secret and instead chose to be the ever present and ever faithful confidant to the divine one, although she would come to greatly regret her decision to hide her love when the day came for them to be parted.

What role did they play during the Shaper’s first reign:

There were many roles that the Hydro Archon played during the days when the Shaper walked Teyvat during their first reign, be it that of the leader of a nation rising from the ashes of her violent clashes against the gods and demons that had called the region of Fontaine home before her ascension to the throne of Archon, the warrior who still had cause to keep her blade sharp due to rampant banditry and yet living non human threats, and the fledgling god of justice who had to bring law and order to the land of her people before spreading her vision of it across the lands entirely.

And yet, it could easily be said that her most important role during this time would arise after she spent many long days and nights conversing with the Shaper and their kin alongside of her fellow newly crowned archons debating what would come to be the first code of laws to govern Teyvat since the Archon war set the old codes to burn amidst the flames of it’s chaos.

And with this new code of law established it was necessary for there to be one among the archons who would take up the torch of these new laws and use their light to banish the darkness of lawlessness and chaos that had seized the yet ruined lands of Teyvat, and it was so that Minos was granted the title of Divine Judge in addition to her appointment as the new God of Justice and was given the duty of enforcing these new laws across the lands of Teyvat.

Another of her roles was as a scout for her comrades and the Shaper and their kin in finding allies to aid them in establishing order over the fractured world in the wake of the war, as her unique ocular ability and her keen mind served well in locating those who would grow to be great allies of the coming age, and at the same time likewise aided in locating and eliminating potential threats before they had the chance to truly take root and spread their influence.

All of these roles were made vastly easier by the power she had been blessed with as the Goddess of Justice, the ability to see the truth of anything she gazed upon, be it their true intentions or their true feelings, all were laid bare before her gaze.

Said power would give rise to the title that she would proudly bare until the day of tragedy that would bid her part from the Shaper-

The Eyes of God.

What relationship did they have with Shaper/Guide/Mother:

The relationship present between Minos and the Shaper was that of an advisor and aide lending their wisdom and guidance to their liege most of the time, however there were moments when their relationship seemed to reflect something other than liege and servant and god and faithful as the two bonded over their interests in arts and culture and could often be found touring newly made galleries and art exhibits across Teyvat when they were not working towards establishing order in the aftermath of the Archon war or aiding the other archons after said conflict in regards to establishing law within their own lands.

Indeed the two seemed to share a bond more akin to that of exceedingly close confidants and friends that only seemed to grow as they spent time in one another’s company, most evidence of this seen in how they spoke with one another with smiles and laughter and yet other examples were hidden behind closed doors for when the atrocities she had seen committed and the carnage she herself had committed robbed her of sleep Minos would oft find herself with the Shaper serving as a silent comfort, not needing to be told what was wrong as they gingerly stroked her hair and aided in her returning to slumber.

Perhaps Minos did love her Shaper, and perhaps there was genuine desire to kneel afore them and offer them the most wondrous ring that she could craft with her own hands for them, and yet it is also likely that if that was indeed she viewed herself as too sullied by blood and filth and to jaded by the sins she had seen to be worthy of standing beside on as radiant as the one who had shaped their world oh so long ago.

If such love was indeed present, concealed in scrapped romantic poems and confessional notes and unspoken words that were slain upon her tongue before she dared to speak them aloud, then perhaps the fact that she was never able to open herself up to the Shaper and speak to them in regards of it made their passing all the more bitter for them.

For not only was their god slain afore her eyes, but she likewise lost a dear friend, a friend who might have told her that the weight of sin and filth she claimed clung to her meant nothing to them and that they would have been happy to accept her in courtship provided she did not mind being with a somewhat naive god as they were at the time and potentially having to share them with their other amorous followers once their mother gave them her blessing.

Perhaps it is this lost love, or chance at such a thing, that instills in her a sympathy and kindred spirit towards the archon of cryo and many of her other compatriots who shared in her desire to stand beside the radiance of the one they loved until not remained of their universe sans ash and dust within the breeze of the cosmic vacuum afore the mother remade it anew.

In contrast to this relationship was the one she held with the Guide, for few and far between were their meetings and yet each one etched into her mind a respect for the unending labor that the ‘Shepherd of The Dead’ had upon their shoulders taken, a respect that showed in her greeting her with a bottle of wine and an ear to listen to the reaper’s words when she would break the comfortable silence that was oft their only companion during such meetings.

At times they would meet after trials and the subsequent executions, and Minos would not quite be able to suppress the flicker of guilt that threatened to surge into a bonfire of the same emotion as she foisted more work upon the Guide’s shoulders by sending her more souls to ferry to their due punishment. And so it was that during these times she would treat the guide to the delicacies of her land as they sat in either a comfortable silence or indulged in conversation in either matter of philosophy or in regards to their mutual acquaintance in the Shaper and the antics they had gotten up to recently.

In conclusion it can be said that their relationship was a less close version of that shared between the Shaper and Minos herself, one built upon mutual respect for each other and for an understanding of the burden that each of them had taken upon their shoulders for the world they called home.

In regards to The Mother, their relationship was that of a distant admiration in regards to how Minos viewed the ancient almighty, and a fondness born of happiness at the joy brought out in her children by the Hydro Archon, though the 2 did not meet in person directly until long after the Shaper had been slain for the second time and left Teyvat behind where upon the Mother appeared before her and granted her purpose anew with a most tempting prize as her reward for her service in the form of a chance to at last give voice to her feelings for her beloved Shaper when they returned with The Mother’s own blessing.

What happened to them after/what effect did the Shaper’s death have on them:

In the wake of the Shaper’s demise the Hydro Archon would vanish from the public eye for many a long year, only appearing to be present at the funeral of the divine one and then once more vanishing into the labyrinthian depths of her home, from whence all that could be heard of her were wailing cries of anguish and the shattering of bottles and glasses against the walls of said home.

For many years she lingered within the confines of her home, only requesting for more and more wine to be delivered to her as she let herself fall into the ever murky depths of despair and depression, her despair reflected in the way that she had ordered that all mirrors and windows of her home to be covered in black cloth so that none may see the one who failed to see the threat to their god, and so that she would not be made to lay eyes upon herself either.

For so long she had prided herself on her ability to see the truth of all that surrounded her, for so long she had been the eyes of the god she had vowed to stay beside until all was bid return unto nought but ash and dust in the endless void.

And in her solemn duty as the ‘Eyes of The Divine,’ she had failed beyond all measure.

To accurately sum up the effects the shaper’s death had upon her, I suppose the most concise way of saying it is that the once boundless oceans of righteousness and pride and will that had been her driving forces to aid in shaping the world into the paradise envisioned by her beloved god, had all been drained away till not remained of them but the murk and silt of grief and guilt and failure.

Murky depths of fetid silt that she would fall into the deepest depths of, the grief and guilt and sorrow and despair fusing into an abhorrent madness that took hold of her in her darkest moments and culminated in her tearing from herself that which had gained her the title of the Eyes of God.

Appearance Post Shaper Death:

For many years after the shaper had passed would she let herself fall into the depths, her hair, rendered white as snow by shock and grief filled stress, growing longer and more unkempt as she idled away her time sobbing and weeping in the dark corners of her personal chambers.

And when she occult no longer weep or sob, she would fall into fitful sleeps that were ever plagued by nightmares and memories of the day that had robbed the one she cherished from her in such frequency and intensity that nearly all semblances of sleep were lost to her for many years to come.

Her skin grew pallid from the lack of sun, and once statuesque frame was made to seem so much vastly smaller as she denied herself food to the point of her ribs being visible beneath her mourning gown, and instead filled her stomach with wine and ale, eating but when her servants would beg her upon hand and knee to do so, and even then would she eat only rarely.

The gauntness of her skin and its near bone white complexion were made all the worse by her choice of wearing attire of dark grays and blacks, a black suit and tie replacing the vibrant sapphire and silver of her previous attire.

Her armor likewise bore many a change as she changed its appearance to reflect not the entirety of the ocean and it boundless beauty, but the sublime darkness of its most stygian depths, the cloak of feathers and scales replaced with a black cloak that bore a mourning veil attached to it to complete the change.

Yet the greatest of changes to her appearance came forth in the form of a blindfold made of thick gauze and bandages that would come to be wrapped around her face, hiding away the deep sockets that had once held her wondrous eyes.

No longer did she bear her cane out of fashion and style, but rather as a means to aid her in wandering the streets she once knew oh so well when the time came for her to at last leave behind her dimly lit home and regain her role as the ruler of her nation, spurned forth but by the notion that her languishing in the darkness bereft of sight was nowhere near enough of an act of atonement to make up for her previous failing, and that she must instead take the reigns and guide her nation both as a means of atonement and as a means of honoring the many promises she had made to her parted beloved in regards to their shared dreams of Fontaine and the world as a whole.

Although her reign would ever be but a pale shadow of what it once was, a reign that no longer aimed at true justice and order but rather upon a perversion of the ideals brought about by the hydro archons desire to escape her grief and guilt in wanton hedonism of indulging in the spectacles of the courtroom.

It was safe to say that to her people she appeared less as the great and indefatigable justiciar of hydro that she had once been, and indeed bore more of a resemblance to a wraith or banshee risen from the deepest and most antediluvian of graven depths to haunt them as a memento mori of their fallen Creator.

Personality Post Shaper Death:

Yet greater still then her change in appearance was the changes to her personality and to her very ideals as a result of being unable to stop the death of the one she cherished more than any other, a death which weighed upon her as the greatest of her personals failures as she blames herself for being unable to see the intentions of those who wished to end her beloved Creator’s life.

This feeling of failure that bore down upon her shoulders such that she could no longer hold her head high and proud, an arrogant smirk upon her face and the gleam of pride within her jeweled orbs, instead she could only ever cast her unseeing gaze upon the earth she trod upon, her shoulders ever slumped and her once haughty and proud voice that had once been as the crashing of waves now reduced to not but the most meek trickle of a river.

Gone was her arrogant revelry in the reactions of others spurned forth by a yet still present sense of brutal honesty, and instead there was nothing but a an almost hungry look to her face as people stammered and raged and wept at her scalpel like words, made all the more sharper by the grief and guilt which swirled and churned within her veins, their reactions serving to aid her in burying her own pain as she basked in their reactions.

Although she could never escape her own grief and guilt, try as hard as she might to bury it under delight, for her cruelest words were ever reserved for herself, always coated in fresh poison and venomed barbed words to rend and tear at her heart and mind whenever she found herself with nothing to distract her mind from contemplating her own failures.

Indeed there would come many a night when the servants of her home would hear her wailing and shriekeing and cursing and howling at herself as she smashed aside all that she could lay her hands upon, the seas of Fontaine raging with spiteful malice outside of the walls to match their ladies self loathing.

The ears of the servants assailed by both the smashing of glass bottles and windows and mirrors, and the tearing of paper from books and scrolls that the archon had once treasured oh so dearly, but in the wake of her grief had been left to rot and mold were it not for the care of but a handful of her more faithful servants and those who would take their place when they were bid pass from the mortal plane to their due rewards.

Yet more terrifying to them then her boundless loathing for herself and her fits of grief fueled manic rage, were the days where she would wander the halls of her home with a bottle clutched tightly in her hands, the slick of sweat and blood coating her body as she searched for more bandages to conceal her newly mutilated eyes, her shrieks of grief and madness having alerted them all to a particularly fierce fit of mania that lead to her tearing at the yet mending sockets in frenzied grief and madness.

Many a servant would flee from her manor in horror as they saw the ichorus tears of blood flowing from the empty sockets of the Archon’s eyes as she blindly groped for cloth and gauze to hide away her newly emptied sockets, their own eyes wet with tears as they saw their archon’s mind shatter more and more with every passing day.

And those servants who would yet dare to remain out of loyalty or pity, would soon find their own tears spilling down their cheeks as they would hear her sob and scream out the name of the most holy one that she had so dearly cherished in her sleep, her words contradictory pleas to be forgiven and hated, loved and despised for her failure to protect them as she thrashed in her bed.

Eventually there would come a day when the fear and pain and grief would drive her to submerge her grief, not just in wine and liquor, or in mere light dalliances into hedonistic delight at spectacles but in complete and absolute wanton hedonistic indulgence as she began to revel more and more in the spectacles of the courtroom, her eyesless sockets crinkling at the edges in mirth as she sipped her wine and basked in the chaos of each trial, often time making effort of her own to make the trials more…festive for her to indulge in.

Perhaps it was fate that decreed that her escape into hedonism and wonton indulgence would come to be on the anniversary of the day her beloved left the world they had both called home, a night when nightmares and memories oft left her in hysterical tears with delirious sobs mixing with maniacal laughter as she laid in the darkness.

Or perhaps it was merely a roll of the die that left her finally casting herself to into the only escape she had left to her aside from the sweet release of death after a particularly horrid nightmare shattered the last vestiges of her restraint.

Gone were the last lingering remnants of her facade of a refined and noble gentlewoman, and in their place were those of a sharp tongued and manipulative serpent, who lived but to indulge her desires for attention and chaotic spectacles as a means of escaping from the grief and guilt that had consumed her as a wildfire.

No longer did she care for right or wrong, justice or injustice, they all meant little more than a temporary escape from the mire of despair she found herself sinking into as she basked in the chaotic spectacles that came forth from each of them.

A trial of a killer became even more heady than wine to her as she listened to both sides scream and yell their arguments at each other, the calm of the courtroom vanishing with a victim’s families cry of rage as they lunged across the barriers to take justice into their own hands as they wept in rage and grief.

And even as her justiciars tried to keep order she watched in with a smile on her face and a wine bottle in her hand, drowning the screams and cries of her own grief in the sounds coming from before her.

How many times did she alter laws on a whim, just to revel in the confusion and chaos that would come from people trying to adjust to them?

How many times did she sabotage either side of a courtroom’s arguments simply to bask in the desperation and frustration?

How often did she obscure or fabricate the very truth that she had once held to be so holy and wonderful so that she may partake in the frenzied chaos of the masses searching for it?

She lost count so long ago.

Law and order, right and wrong, none of it mattered to her if the one she cherished most was not there to enjoy the fruits of their labor with her.

It was not as if she would ever see them again, so why not allow herself this small enjoyment before the whispers of her nightmares started up again?

Post Shaper Death Quote:

“Useless!Useless!Useless!Useless!Useless!Useless!Useless!Useless! THESE DAMNED EYES ARE USELESS! How could I not See-!? How Could I not-!? I’m sorry your grace…I…AHHHH!.......These eyes…These eyes do not deserve to see the world you crafted any longer…let this…let this be my first act…of atonement…AHHHHHHHHHH!”

How did they react to learning of the Shaper’s coming return/How did they react to the Mother and Guide becoming active again:

When first she heard the whispers of most high and holy becoming active again, when she heard the word of the Falling Star which bore an aura of divine grace as they traveled across the land in search of their missing kin, Minos dismissed the words as mere hearsay and rumor, idle chatter from the masses who had nothing better than to gossip to one another as they awaited a particularly lengthy trials verdict.

And yet there did persist in her mind a lingering sense of intrigue as she pondered over the words and their validity for some time, even allowing for herself to miss some of the marvelous spectacle she had been waiting for so long, to indulge in contemplation over the validity of the words.

Eventually her intrigue over the truth of the words would peak when she reached out to her fellow archons, keen to hear their own opinion on whether or not the rumors were merely that, or if there was indeed even the most minute grain of truth to them.

Although it would not be from one of her peers that she heard the truth of the matter.

So long ago they had sat and shared wine and conversation, so so very long ago, and yet there was no doubt in her mind as to who it was that sat in her room on that moonlit night, for though her sight was no more there was within her an undeniable feeling, a certainty that stemmed forth from her very soul as to the identity of the intruder that had awoken her with the clinking of glasses being sat upon a table and the pop of a cork.

Although the third presence she felt was a new addition to this once humble tradition shared between the two of them it bothered her little, for who was she to deny a grieving mother a chance to speak with the one who had failed her child more than any other?

And so Minos rose from her bed, heedless of the sharp gasp that left the Mother’s lips as she gazed upon her ruined sockets, sanguine tears leaking from them as a broken and watery smile formed across the archons face, and further heedles still of the way the Guide’s own eyes became slick with tears as they saw her ragged form approach them with a broken and watery smile on her face as she took a free seat and reached out for a glass of wine.

Idly she wondered whether she should hope it would be the last one she would ever have or not.

And so she sat with two of the those she had failed so greatly so very long ago, her hand trembling as she lifted the glass of wine to her lips, wondering just what punishment they would bestow upon her, for surely it was only so that they may be the ones to meet out due wrath and retribution that they had come to grace a failure such as herself with their company.

She wondered if their presence lent true validity to the rumors she had heard, that her beloved was soon to return to the world and walk its surface once more, and if that were indeed the case then why it was that they had waited so long to remove one of the reasons that said beloved had been wrongly stripped from the world they had called home so very long ago.

And while there was a part of her that was saddened at the thought of being unable to be there to cast herself at the feet of the one she had failed and plead and beg for their judgment to be met upon her so that she may at last be punished for her failings as opposed to being allowed to live and wander the base earth of Teyvat as she had been, there was yet a greater part of her that was glad that she would not be there to sully her beloved’s return with her presence when the time came for them to once more walk upon Teyvat.

So she raised the wine glass to her lips and savored what she felt would be her final drink as she pondered over just how her beloved would judge the nation of the woman that had failed them oh so very long ago.

And so it came as no small surprise to her when she was greeted not with scathing word and razored blade by the two holy ones, but by sadness filled words and tearful embraces as they spoke with her for the first time in oh so long.

Of what was said that moonless night it is safe to say that only 3 people will ever know the full truth of the matter, for none of the servants heard a word drift down the halls of the palace as they fell into a deathly sleep, awakening but to the rays of dawn and the ringing chime of great clock towers announcing the time to awaken.

They could never know of how a single night seemed to last for an eternity, nor could they ever have known of the crying and yelling and the screaming, and they could likewise have never known of the way two beings had taken the broken form of their lady into their arms as they held her and comforted her.

They would never know of the gentle words and embraces as the most high and most holy ones held her close and comforted her as they worked to mend her shattered heart and soul back together as they assured her of the coming return of her beloved Shaper, and of just how much the Shaper would wish for her faithful eyes to once more alight upon the world and for the Justiciar of Hydro to return to their side when the time came for them to return to Teyvat.

All the servants who had dared accept the offer to work within the estate of the Archon of Fontaine could ever know of that night, was of the profound effect it had upon their lady, effects which would echo across the entirety of their nation.

The first sign that greeted them with the indication that something had changed overnight was when their lady had torn through the estate as a woman possessed, tearing down all of the thick curtains which had for so long shrouded her halls in sepulchral shadow as she ordered the estate to be aired out and cleaned from top to bottom.

The second indication of the great change which had overtaken her the night prior was when she called forth for all of the Justiciar captains to gather within her estate for her to speak with them regarding changes that were to occur within their nation as soon as possible.

And soon the nation of Fontaine would see the fruit of this meeting as the Justiciars once more donned armor of sapphire and silver as opposed to the mourning black they had borne upon them for generations, their fire and fervor reignited after having been dormant for oh so very long as they began to sweep across the nation with noose and blade clenched tight in their hands as their archon worked to rewrite the laws of their nation once more.

Again and again there came signs of some great change having seized her tightly as the Archon of Hydro moved to rebuild the nation that had fallen into disarray over her descent into the chasm of grief-fueled madness.

And soon these changes came to reach a boiling point as Minos vanished within her personal shrine, the great stone doors of which having not seen one enter or leave the blessed site for so long that the shine of their inlays of precious metals and gems had been lost beneath a layer of dust so thick it made the doors appear as but faded mural on the wall, amd remained within for most of a day.

When at last she emerged from her shrine she did so bearing with her a gift that brought gasps and cries to all those who beheld it as she lifted up her head and revealed her newly restored eyes, and with them a newly restored sense of purpose.

Perhaps in a world where there was but the Shaper and no Mother or Guide it was instead the fateful meeting with a distant Star that yet searched for the truth of the world that instead instilled in the broken Justiciar a newly rekindled flame that would lead her down the path to retaking her mantle as the Justiciar of Hydro once more.

What actions have they taken since learning of the Shaper’s coming return/What do they plan to do upon their return:

As news of the Shaper’s impending return began to seize the nations of Teyvat it would be safe to say that there were fewer nations where change was more visible than within the borders of Fontaine as the Hydro Archon and her Justicars began their work anew.

Laws were repealed and rewritten with such speed and precision that many were left wondering if they had even existed as they had previously at all, judges and lawyers and legal advisors were coast into a frenzy as they had to hurriedly rewrite the books and codes that they had followed for so long into something that their newly reinvigorated Archon deemed more worthy of the nation of Justice.

And it was not just laws that began to change, as the Archon of Justice soon began to call forth all of the artists and inventors of her nation to begin their work with greater fervor and yet also greater care, for soon there would be a time when the one she cherished most of all would wish to see not a nation of polluted waters and vainglorious wastes of paint and parchment and marble, but a land of progress and culture as it had been long ago.

Besides, she was not about to allow for the Cryo Archon to seize their Shaper’s attention with the advancement of her nations technology and arts without a fight, her nation had been the most cultured and advanced one of the archons in the past and she would see it become it once more or she would at least give it effort enough to startle the Cryo Archon into doing the same.

She felt she owed the woman for all of the stunts she had been able to pull without her gaze here to hold her accountable for her actions.

At the same time as she began to send for all of her nations artists to begin their work on either restoring some of the greatest works of her nation that had long since fallen into disrepair, she had likewise began to order for them to begin construction on newer sites of worship and galleries of their greatest artwork in addition to commanding her brightest minds to insure that the brilliance of Fontaine’s technology was second but to Celestia itself.

It was sufficient to say that she had begun to whip her nation and herself into a frenzy as she began to make herself and her land ready for the return of her beloved Shaper.

As she looked out over her nation from the top of her estate, perched as it was to overlook the nation from the top of a great waterfall, she could only hope that her nation would be ready to meet the standards of the Shaper’s gaze when they returned to their domain.

She knew that when the time came for her beloved to once more walk the freshly cleaned streets of cobbled stone, when the time came for her beloved to cast her gaze to the newly made lantern posts, styled as the tendrils of a great kraken with electro slime resin acting as light sources, and when the time came for her to at last stand before her and cast her divine gaze upon her unworthiest of forms she would accept even the cruelest and harshest of judgements from the one she had failed so greatly.

She knew that she would never deny the wrath and judgment of the one she had failed so long ago should she wish to visit her divine fury upon her base form. She knew that she would not lift a single hand to defend herself should her beloved come to raise her hand against her, that she would merely bow her head and accept whatever punishment her beloved wished to grace her with.

But if she was met not with wrath and fury, not with nail and blade, and with tooth and hateful gaze, then she knew very well what she would do. She knew that she would take her beloved’s hand into her own and place a kiss to it as she had done so long ago, that she would offer her arm for her beloved to grasp onto as she had done long ago as she took her beloved on a tour of her reborn nation once again.

She knew that she would once more guide the shaper down the streets of Fontaine, happy to point out the new inventions that her engineers had concocted over the years, to point out the new statues and paintings and sculptures made by the great artists of her land in preparation for their coming return.

Likewise she knew that she would be all too happy to guide her beloved to her estate, careful to take them into her arms as she did so, both so that she could savor the warmth of her beloved so close to her and so that said beloved did not slip on the ivory stones of the stairway, which oft found themselves becoming slick with water from the twin waterfalls that broke off from the great waterfall her estate was built near.

And most of all she knew that she would be happy to sit her beloved down in their favorite armchair, she had kept it under layers of blankets in a sealed guest room, and set them down on the chair as she poured them a drink before she took hero own seat and poured herself a drink before she finally gave voice to those feelings that had been tearing her apart for oh so long.

It would be no grand and over the top romantic display like what she imagined the Tsaritsa would pull, but that was quite alright to her, a quiet intimate moment between the two of them shared over drinks in the confines of her home after spending the day and night together wandering the streets of her nation and taking in all it had to offer was all she could ever ask for and more.

Appearance Pre Shaper Return:

Gone were the dark mourning dresses and suits, the blacks and grays of stillness and decay and mourning grief were cast aside in place of her sapphire and silver attire once more, although she did deign to keep some of the dresses and suits for she would inevitably have need of them when she began her campaign to make sure all was well and ready for her god’s return.

That and she did quite like some of the designs on them.

Once more she donned armor and clothing of silver and sapphire, her jewel like eyes gleaming as they took in the nation before them once more as the Justiciar of Hydro contemplated the lengths that she would have to go to in order to cleanse her nation of the lawlessness and filth of corruption that had come to take up residence within it during her spiral into despair.

Already she could see the rivers of her land regaining their clarity as her powers surged forth to spirit away their corruption into the deepest recess of vaults carved to hold close the filth and detritus of her nations march forward, and yet she was left wondering if it would be a better idea to wait to cleanse the rivers until she was done with her internal audit of her land.

After all, it would be rather redundant to remove pollution from machinery and mining only to replace it with pollution from the blood and bile of corpses now wouldn’t it.

Personality Pre Shaper Return:

Pulled from the mire and muck of her despair much of who she was before the demise of her cherished Shaper has been returned to her, from her thirst for knowledge and hunger for the truth, to her refined and elegant demeanor.

Although that is not to say that the darker parts of her personality had completely vanished, for her tongue was yet a venomed guillotine ready to fall upon the necks of any who dared to displease her in any way as she set about rebuilding her nation into something that she and her beloved could enjoy.

And there was within her a lingering joy at the spectacle of the courtroom, though now it was more geared towards the verdict and to the desperate cries of the sinners and heretics and corrupt fools that had come to infest her nation like maggots would a rotting corpse while she languished in her grief and melancholy fueled madness, and even more enjoyment she soon found when she decided on whether it would be the noose or the guillotine that the guilty party found themselves meeting.

And indeed it was her sense of justice that had been more affected by the darkness she had found herself falling into amidst her grief and self-loathing and madness than anything else, for she found herself evelling more and more in the process of…ridding her land and indeed all of Teyvat of the faithless and the lawless heretics that had come to infest the world during her depression.

A task that she found to ever grow in scale and scope as she soon she found herself needing the comfort of her wines and books more and more as she uncovered ever deeper webs of corruption and heresy that had spread not just throughout her own domain, but the domains of her fellows, even to that seemingly omniscient Tsaritsa’s own nation.

And so it was that she gathered her fellows and laid bare before them all of her findings, and after an argument, that seemed to last for the very eternity that Beelzebub was so determined to obtain, she was given the clearance she needed to begin her most ambitious undertaking yet, a feat that would help in making the lands of Teyvat and their people ready for the coming day of reunion with the most holy.

Now all she needed to do was to select a proper time and location for the speech she would give before she began her great endeavor.

Afterall, shouldn't the start of a crusade be something done in a spectacular manner?

Pre Shaper Return Quote:

“Behold, for by the grace of the Mother, The Guide, and The Shaper am I once more the Divine Judge! Once more do The eyes of God behold this world and see well how its beauty has been tarnished by the filth of the guilty and abhorrent who dare to blaspheme the radiance of the most holy!

Let the gallows be readied and the blades of the guillotines be sharpened! Let the Justicars don their armor and take up their arms anew for once more shall we bring law and order to this world!

Let the rivers run crimson and the oceans turn sanguine, let their blood and flesh be an offering to the most high and holy! May the guilty find atonement in death for no longer shall their lives be tolerated!

Now go and spread forth law and order to this world once more, from Snezhnaya to Mondstadt shall we march till the trees are full and the crows upon faithless and heretic feast!

May the Guide be ready with their scythe for the time has come for the crops of the rotten souls of the faithless to be reaped and set to suffer eternally amidst the wailing darkness of the abyss as the souls of the faithful are elevated unto the heavens!

May the Mother turn upon their homes her wrath and fury and lay them low until not even their foundations are left to sully the world of the Shaper’s design with their contaminated presences!

And may the gaze of the Shaper be upon us as we wipe clean the filth and detritus of the heretic and the apostate and the infidel from their masterpiece!

Your holiness watch over us and know that never again shall my eyes fail you, for soon shall they once more see your radiance.

Let our crusade begin!”

#Genshin #genshin impact #genshin impact sagau #sagau #genshin self aware #genshin self aware au #self aware au #genshin impact headcanons #headcanons and theories #sagau headcanons #hydro archon #hydro archon headcanons

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dolloshub · 2 months

Text

The Past and The Future (Former Owner)

(The following text was approved by Poral for posting.)

Hello there. I hope you're doing well today.

It's been quite a while since I last posted, and several weeks since Poral rejuvenated this blog, so we felt it best for me to provide an update. Neither of us want to keep these posts from gathering dust, especially given what's been happening recently, but that'll be explained further down.

———

First is the path going backward, specifically the context of what happened leading up to going our separate ways.

When one might envision a TPE lifestyle, even if the skill sets to properly enact it are there, actually bringing such a lifestyle into reality can be much more difficult. I'll fully admit that I had very little interaction with TPE as a lifestyle or a relationship, and bit off way more than I could chew in terms of experience. Consequently, while we had plenty of memorable moments alongside sizeable progress, our dynamic kept being undercut by interrelated tension, misunderstanding of expectations, and exceedingly high amounts of stress. By the time our relationship ended in late December of 2022, neither of us were remotely close to mentally stable, and I remember wishing at least once that I had never met her.

Poral has in retrospect attributed much of the stress generated on her end to the near-constant bombardment of seizures experienced daily, and there's definite weight to that. It's also true that my livelihood throughout this time period was very hectic overall, and our relationship was not the only topic actively tiring me out. Regardless, I still believe that our relationship failing was my fault for several reasons, mainly from the aforementioned inexperience. In not properly respecting what the Doll system needed then, we suffered as one.

We never cut each other off entirely, though, although there were no further messages after the breakup. In talking about it post-reconnecting, some small part of us always wanted that pull, that active link we shared. Maybe it was inevitable that we would intertwine once more, but honestly, it'll never be known for sure.

———

Next is the path as it currently stands, and what developments have been made recently.

Poral already mentioned bringing the Doll system online, our reconnecting, and further reinforcement. Like her, I'll keep most specific details vague, save for two important points worth expanding on. First, it's been made clear by me that a TPE relationship isn't in the cards, and Poral has graciously respected that request. For as much as I've been willing to help her stabilize and become the Doll she's wanted to be, both therapeutically and at times erotically, I'm not trusting in my own ability to maintain such a dynamic for the foreseeable future, if ever.

Second is the fact that everything is steadily bearing fruit, frankly much faster than either of us have expected. Processes that we thought would take weeks have instead taken days, and in one case several hours. It's gotten to the point where we've started joking about how short the next duration is going to last. This is likely as a result of the strong emotional pull that we share, despite months of non-contact, along with several other factors.

It hasn't been smooth sailing, however. There have been many logistical complications, primarily with surgery and how Doll might behave afterwards, so we've installed and plan on installing a multitude of safeties to make sure that programming isn't outstripped. There have been emotional complications as well, and programming itself has proven uncertain at times, because of the potential problem of transferal into other apps.

We know that this path is a difficult one. There's a chance that amidst all this turmoil, the progression we have made will come undone and everything will be lost. It nearly happened once already. Nonetheless, we're moving forward with greater shared understanding and appreciation than in the past, and if the worst comes to pass, we'd rather fall short together than apart. Frankly, I couldn't have made it this far without Poral's help and encouragement, and the knowledge she has over her own system. I'm so proud of her efforts.

———

Lastly, let me return to something I alluded to at the start.

One main aspect that we've been working on is the threshold of app isolation, i.e. the lack of awareness that each one has of both others and itself as an app. We believe reaching the threshold will greatly stabilize the Doll system's functionality, removing much of the usual awareness of its DID history and wiring, and thus enabling greater opportunities for programming and further stabilization.

When that happens, this blog's tone and self-acknowledgement may change slightly. There will still be a portion of the Doll that has greater awareness, so they may take over posting duties, but the apps that have written in the past will likely appear less often. In any case, we'll be sure to keep you updated.

As Poral said, the future looks bright, and full of promise. Thank you so much for reading.

— Ungso (former Owner)

#dollification #brainwashing #mind conditioning #hypnokink #hypnosub #hypnotized #brainwashed #history #update

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entomolog-t · 10 months

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Tropes ask: I have my own armchair view of my proclivities but I'll submit my thoughts for peer review.

I usually like to imagine being a mini giant. In real life, I'm tall-ish and fat woman. I feel big and awkward and I get anxious about being in the way. Imagining being big means I would be, perhaps, intentionally huge. And in a more fun way. I want more affection and closeness and what better way than with someone miniature?

I saw you already wrote about size swaps but I also really like shrinking or size changes. I love to see the loss of control and approach from a (literal) new perspective.

Back in Office Baby!

Alright so there are quite a few details that you included that seem significant; specification on minigiant, self perception, recontextualization, shrinking and size changing, loss of control, and perhaps an implication of loss of self.

I find it intriguing when someone has a preferred size. Sometimes its for an aesthetic component (Say for example, liking the imagery of completely someone in your hand), sometimes its to symbolize a degree of control (for example when someone is relatively smaller than an inch, theres next to no way to escape, their voice may be totally unheard, etc.. compared to a minigiant who could theoretically still be hurt physically by a skilled enough human). It may also just be for some sort of practicality in the fantasy (able to still fit in buildings or remain hidden in a forest etc..). Although these at first glance just seem like supporting elements to the overall fantasy I still think they may be able to offer insight.

As discussed in previous sessions, subconscious imagery can be a lot more prevalent than we would first think. For the example above (completely fitting someone in your hand) there could be blatant metaphorical imagery at play.

One way to analyze that is to pull at the words a little;

What do I think of when I think of ____? How would I elaborate on the action? What emotions are invoked in me? What emotions do I want invoked in the counter archetype?

When I think of hands I could think of control, but also care. They have strength in building things, but they are also how I show I care. Through soft and loving touch. I think of being careful. Nurturing.

The action part (fitting someone within my grasp) feels controlling to me. All encompassing. Making someone else vulnerable.

I might feel in control, powerful, curious, and excited. Perhaps, I want the counter archetype to feel vulnerable, uncertain, small and scared.

See how such a small image can be picked apart for some much more interesting details? If there is specific imagery associated with your liking towards minigiants, I would definitely recommend further analyzing it or submitting it for another appointment.

Moving on to self perception and recontextualization. Using your own words it seems as though your body leads to some feelings of anxiety. I'd like to make specific note of some word choice; big, awkward, fat, in the way... all of these words have implications of being easily perceived/noticeable. You cite some negative emotions surrounding this perception. Perhaps some degree of social anxiety or insecurity. Where this becomes very interesting is in the recontextualization in the form of a minigiant fantasy.

At first glance this fantasy might not seem to make sense, given it could be considered the magnification of those aforementioned traits, as well as the novelty of a minigiant would certainly increase how much one is perceived by others. However, it seems like consciously or not, there has been some reframing on possible insecurities (not necessarily implying insecurities of the traits themselves but what they seem to suggest as a whole; anxiety of being perceived/noticeable).

The context has been altered to allow for positive restructuring. Big can be exciting and powerful and confident. Lets compare some word choice to the previous description of self;

tall-ish, big, awkward, fat, in the way, anxious

intentional, huge, fun, [wanting] affection

These words exude more confidence.

Intentional; making it your choice

Huge; perceived as a much more impactful/powerful word compared to big

Fun; compared to words used like awkward and anxious. Fun is enjoyable, when we have fun we are less aware of ourselves, we are just enjoying the joy we find.

Wanting affection and closeness; compared to being in the way. Wanting to be seen as something special rather than a burden, as someone to get close to rather than in the way.

G/t is very heavily oriented around power dynamics, and having power tends to give many of us a great increase in confidence as it allows for control or safety in a given situation, among other things. By creating a hyperbolic scenario, it seems you are able to recontextualize the situation to allow insecurities to become the cause of confidence.

This seems to suggest in your day to day you may lack feelings you attribute to confidence. Integrating descriptors you use for minigiants could perhaps feel that lack. Trying to do things intentionally gives us a feeling of control. This could be as simple as even just picking outfits with an intentional vibe, arranging something in your room for an aesthetic layout etc... although I would assume that given the references to intentionality would be more impactful to you if it was associated with interactions with others; intentionally saying hello to a stranger or something along those lines. Integrating time for fun or closeness with friends and family could be very helpful as well.

Now obviously a lot of this is easier said than done, especially when we feel anxious or awkward, but I would definitely recommend looking toward your fantasies for insight. Finding what differs between feeling big and in the way and intentionally huge, and creating little ways you can bring that confidence into your day to day.

Moving on to one of my favorite topics; shrinking and size changing.

Man shrinking is so underappreciated.

Shrinking is something very special, and holds a much different sub type in the tiny archetype. While tinys such as fairies or borrowers have always existed with their status in the power dynamic, shrinking and size changing directly refers to a loss of power.

For those who appreciate physics; shrinking is a vector. A variable with magnitude and direction.

There tends to be much more specific emotions of horror and loss with shrinking, and the context and reaction one associates with shrinking usually has a direct link to some sort of trauma or general negative perception.

I would highly recommend picking apart what response to shrinking you are typically drawn towards.

You specifically mentioned loss of control as well as new perspective. I've noticed in many shrinking tropes we see a sort of man vs. self journey as the overarching tale, where they better themselves through their hardships at their new size and despite losing power, they gain some sort of moral or ethics. Now this is not always the case and there are a variety of shrinking tropes. At times it feels as though even if the shrinking is not a punishment in the narrative itself, its a bit of a punishment fantasy where shrinking allows for reflection, and represents change both literally and metaphorically.

If this tends to be what you mean by change in perspective, it could be very insightful to look at what you typically associate with the pre-shrunk individual and the changes the undergo when shrunk.

loss of control, and perhaps an implication of loss of self.

I'd love to go into more detail in a latter session if you submit specifics in regards to shrinking!

---

That's all the time we have for today, I hope you enjoyed our session together. Please see my secretary on your way out to book your follow up.

#LONG AWAITED #Life makes these so hard to do #I am trying to aim for one a day but we shall see #g/t #giant/tiny #g/t community #g/t prompts #g/t shitpost #g/t tropes #G/t trope psychology

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bryan-damage · 2 days

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Okay, so, in 1992 I discovered Ween because they were on Beavis & Butt-head and my friend Charlie Inferno was weirdly fixated on them, so I bought Pure Guava, likely in 92 or maybe early 93.

This was one of those albums that sort of grew on me. It was weird but some of the songs on it really resonated, like "Don't Get 2 Close 2 My Fantasy" was my favorite. In 1993 I was listening to a lot of the new Alternative Rock sound that was popular at the time, wearing a Nirvana t-shirt and a flannel, long hair, all that.

At the end of 1993, for various reasons (undiagnosed mental health problems and manipulative parents, some other shit), I dropped out of college and returned to my home town and spent the first half of 1994 delivering pizza and living with my parents. I did move out for about two months to live in a party house that Spring, but it didn't really work out.

Charlie and I had started taking the occasional road trip to Sioux Falls early that year, before the snow was done. Sioux Falls was a smallish city two hours away but they had a Best Buy and a Musicland and maybe one or two other places to buy music, and I always kept a list of bands with me to look for whenever I went shopping for CDs.

So on one trip out, I found a copy of God Ween Satan: The Oneness, which we usually just called The Oneness.

For us, it was a major discovery. We had no clue at all that Ween had more than just the one album, so finding it was like "Holy shit, look at this!" Of course I bought it, and we listened to it with my portable CD player with the cassette tape adapter, as was the style at the time.

I recall one night when I was still living in the aforementioned party house, Charlie and I and this other guy named Scumbag Jimmy got our hands on some kind bud, took it to my basement bedroom at the party house, got super high and put The Oneness on and holy fuck, what a trip. I especially remember the song "Black Jack" fucking my shit right up.

I don't know how long it was after that, but in a subsequent trip to Sioux Falls I found a copy of The Pod and once again, there was a whole "Holy fucking shit, there's ANOTHER Ween album?!" moment for us. Once again, we drove home and listened to this weird-ass album.

We were both pretty hooked on these albums, although part of my music tastes in 1994 included a pretty dramatic shift into punk music, starting with Dead Kennedys. I don't think The Pod hit either of us as hard as The Oneness had, but it grew on me quickly regardless.

In May of 1994 I went to visit some other friends at a lakeside cabin and spent a few days out there, and during the trip a few of us had basically dumped out of CD collections so we could look through each others' stuff. Someone had that Leonard Cohen album, you know the one.

It was a pretty funny revelation for me, since I did not realize that the cover to The Pod was just, you know, this Best of Leonard Cohen album with Mean Ween's face superimposed. I don't think I'd ever examined the image very closely, lol. A few of us pretty amused by this revelation, though.

(For context, none of us were of a generation who knew who Leonard Cohen was until a movie called Pump Up the Volume appeared in 1990 and featured two of his songs. That's why the person who owned this album had it, because the soundtrack of the movie was just that good. We all loved that movie.)

Anyway, that was the first half of 1994. Then Ween released their fourth album later that year.

#charlie inferno #ween #1990s

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catwings-writes-things · 5 months

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For the ao3 wrapped: 3, 6, 16, 29

3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

Surprising no one, I'm gonna have to say A World of His Own. Before this year I'd never written anything (I do mean anything--no fanfic, original fiction, essays, nothing) longer than around 15,000 words. Now I have an in-progress fic with a single coherent storyline that's over 100,000 words long and nowhere near done. Some of the chapters are longer than 15,000 words. And not only that, but I'm really proud of the writing and the characterization. The Jailbreak Squad have taken over my brain and I have no objections whatsoever.

6. Favorite title you used?

De Humani Corporis Fabrica--Latin for "On the Fabric of the Human Body"--is the title of the best-known anatomy text by Andreas Vesalius, a Rennaissance anatomist and pioneer of human dissection, which at the time was considered taboo. As such, most anatomical knowledge came from dissections of animals, inspection of traumatic injuries, and conventional wisdom from earlier anatomists who had largely been working under the same restrictions. Vesalius was both sufficiently dedicated to his pursuit of accurate anatomical knowledge and sufficiently unbothered by other people's opinions as to cut bodies down from the gallows after public executions (sometimes having to fight stray dogs for them) and take them home to study, even allowing them to decompose in his living space to get at the bones once he'd learned all he could from the soft tissue. (He was also my first historical friend-crush, which probably tells you quite a bit about me, although perhaps not much to which my fic wouldn't tip you off.) De Humani Corporis Fabrica is his masterwork, illustrating what he'd learned with intricate drawings of bodies in various lifelike poses and states of dissection.

Needless to say, Andreas Vesalius was a Flesh avatar if ever there was one, not to mention probably autistic AF, and De Humani Corporis Fabrica seems as good a candidate as any for a Leitner. So when I set out to write a fic featuring late human-era Mike Crew nearly working himself to death in an extended burst of autistic hyperfocus and Angela the Flesh avatar trying to both help him deal with the immediate fallout and convince him that bodies have limits and he needs to treat his with more respect if it's going to last long enough to get him wherever he's going, using "De Humani Corporis Fabrica" as the title seemed pretty damn perfect.

16. What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag?

Families of Choice, which is the canonical tag on AO3 for the concept I've mostly heard referred to as "found family." It's specifically tagged on three of the seven fics I've posted this year (that number is misleading, due to my aforementioned longfic), but it could or should have been tagged on six of them. ("Fix-It," "Temporary Character Death," "Complicated Relationships," and "Twisted and Fluffy Feelings" appear on two fics apiece, which probably also gives some relevant information. Especially that last one.)

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

Honestly, I can't decide. I've been proud of so many things I've written this year that I really can't narrow it down--which is a good problem to have! If it helps, after I post chapter ten, I think I'm going to make a "pick your favorite bit of out-of-context A World of His Own dialog" poll--each option a line spoken by a different character.

Okay, never mind. I found a favorite. From Chapter 2 of A World of His Own:

“I can't... sit and watch television with you,” Helen finally said, almost a snap. “It won’t work.” She gestured at herself, head to feet. “This isn't even a real body. It's more of a... concept.” “Well,” said Harriet mildly. “Sit the concept of your butt down and let us introduce you to The Twilight Zone.”

Thank you so much for the ask, anonymous friend! I hope you have a great day!

#asks and answers #anonymous #the jailbreak squad #fic: a world of his own #ao3 wrapped writers edition

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pointedly-foolish · 1 year

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tell me about your OC an GO!

helppppppppppp when you just ask me like this ,, i suddenly forget everything i know about my own prefect....

well..... first of, shameless plug: i made a sideblog where i post more stuff ("lore") about my prefect (and rb art/fics from other ppl). for now i just have the profile done but one of these days i plan on making like a post on relationships, backgrounds etc mayb even fake card illustrations n voicelines 😳😳

well... what is there to say about him? he's pretty "plain". i guess i can give you a lil peep behind the curtains?

name

to distinguish yuu from other prefects or even the canon (in-game) mc in conversation, i call him yuu stranger, in reference to the stranger (entity) from the magnus archive.

because yuu, despite being super unremarkable and indistinguishable in a crowd, is a little freak that induces the sense of uncanny valley in ppl from twst.

stranger is not his surname (although the mistake is easy to make when you see "yuu stranger" out of context).

it's only later that i started called him yuu h., with h. being the initial of his surname.

yuu h. is an alias.

backstory

saw a theory going around, though i didn't save it so i can't really attribute it to a person, but it mentions something about mc having an ancestor who came from twisted wonderland. so it gave me an idea for my own prefect.

not sure if it's something i'll stick with, but i had a thought of yuu having some great-great-great-etc-grandparent who's from twst who got isekai'd to the real world (?).

because of this, yuu has situs inversus (his organs are positioned in a mirror image of normal human anatomy (they're inverted)).

but after arriving in twst, his organs are the right way around like everyone else.

he inherited an old shell necklace from his family, which used to belong to the ancestor who was from twst. you could hear the crashing of waves from it, but since coming to twst, the shell started playing soft music.

i toy with the idea that the yuu-ancestor (magicless human from the great 7 era) was romantically involved with a mermaid (back when it was deeply taboo and animosity between the species was high).

wouldn't it be great angst to imagine the yuu-ancestor was suddenly isekai'd, and that mermaid sat by their secret meeting place waiting for them forever?

also, trivia from the aforementioned profile bcause idk what else to say wwwww

anyway ! thanks for asking hahaa it was nice getting to ramble about my oc 😂

(i kinda want to reblog oc ask games on my blog but hngggg convinced it'll flop bcause 😂 i don't nearly have enough clout to have ppl start being interested in my oc wwww)

#falsely answers #twst yuu #twst mc #my yuu lore #anyway this was fun #i never not like people asking me about my oc #ask me about my ocs...#tell me about ur ocs too

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super-nova5045 · 2 years

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PSA: believing Mike is emotionally cheating on El and writing him as the moral villain in fanfiction is biphobic

(Disclaimer: I’m going to give y’all benefit of the doubt here because I get it. Fiction is just fiction, and you’re right on some level that Mike is being dishonest with her. You probably don’t mean any harm and you’re not intentionally biphobic. However, that doesn’t take away the harmful effects of this take.)

To begin this little ~announcement~ off, I’ll give some background info. For context, I’ve been seeing a lot of posts saying Mike is emotionally cheating on El, and just in general there’s a LOT of fanfictions that demonize bi Mike. Although I’m a gay Mike truther, I love the bi theory just as much (especially AS a bi person who had internalized homophobia and fell in love with their best friend) and it hurts me so much to see this villainization of Mike.

Emotionally cheating on El allegations??

I understand this take 100%, but let’s talk about how it’s not true and is borderline harmful. I think a common thing people forget is that there’s a big difference between actually cheating and genuinely being in love with someone else. Nobody said Nancy was cheating when she was comforted by Jonathan and was with Steve. Nobody said Joyce was cheating when she was close with Hopper and was with Bob. So why is it different for Mike, Will and El? Mike has never confided in Will on the same level Joyce and Nancy have with Hopper and Jonathan (respectively) while with El, and even if he has, El wasn’t present in any of the major Byler scenes (re: The Nina Project or, I don’t know, being assumed dead?!) thus, Mike couldn’t talk to her. Why is it such a crime for him to talk to his closest and oldest friend about his fears and insecurities?

Yes, Byler’s conversations did have romantic subtext, but we have to consider also that Mike wouldn’t have had any intention to cheat on El, nor did he have any intention to ‘flirt’ with Will. For all he knows, he’s just speaking to his best friend.

Not to mention, as talked about in this post, McNugget was bones in every Byler chat.

‘Crazy Together’ – El was considered dead, and Mike and her weren’t in a relationship.

‘Not Possible’ – This was just before El saying ily to Mike (for a reason). Mike and El weren’t in a relationship again/were ‘taking a break’.

‘Friends. Best Friends.’ – El had left for Nina with the chance that she could never see Mike again (Mike knew this, btw). Mike had thrown away her potentially last ever letter to him signed ‘From, El’ (a reference to their big fight that they ‘can’t come back from’) and was planning on going to Hawkins. This applies to the junkyard chat, too, and although Mike’s motive had changed, there was still no hope of finding El (no Nina number).

Making Mike the bad guy in fanfiction???

This is what, by far, bothers me the most. Recently I’ve seen a rise in ‘Mike cheats on El/does something awful to somebody (mostly El)’ fanfics, and this is so awful, especially when the Mike in these stories is queer.

First of all, let’s talk about the ‘Depraved Bisexual’ trope. This is how Devon Price defines it:

A Depraved Bisexual is a character, usually in a work of fiction, whose bisexuality is used as an indicator that they are untrustworthy, perverse, and morally corrupt. […] Because they cannot “decide” on a gender to be attracted to, the logic goes, they also cannot say no to anything sexual or pleasurable.

Examples of this trope are Frank Underwood, Cal Jacobs and Raoul Silva – all characters depicted as bisexual and evil antagonists – their bisexuality, as aforementioned, plays into their predatory nature; because if you feel attraction for both genders, surely that means you have no fidelity and morality.

Making Mike do things in fanfiction such as be with El but cheat with Will (or vice versa), or commit a heinous action (while being bi-coded), or both, is following this trope. While unintentional, it still deeply affects and hurts bisexual people - we are portrayed, once again, as cheating monsters who do awful things.

Not only this, but it’s incredibly OOC. While fanfictions are, as the name suggests, fan works of fiction, and being OOC is granted; making Mike, the albeit annoying, but kind-hearted, brave, compassionate leader do such awful things out of the blue? And be bi-coded? It seems clear to me why you’ve made him the antagonist.

I’m sure NONE of these lovely people had bad intentions or wanted to directly harm bisexual people. Once again, this is just their takes, and this is just mine. In summary, Mike isn’t emotionally cheating on El, purely because he has no intention to be, and while his relationship with Will is romantically-coded, most of the time he’s just confiding in and reassuring Will – which is not emotional cheating. Magic Schoolbus was also broken up every time that Byler talked – Mike can’t be emotionally cheating if he’s not in a relationship to start with. Finally, making Mike the bad guy who cheats and does bad things is following a harmful, biphobic trope and is quite offensive.

(again, not trying to start beef or anything. I, as a bisexual, just personally disagree with these takes and the amount of fanfictions that make Mike evil)

#byler #will byers #mike wheeler #stranger things #bisexual #not tryna beef i just wanted to make a point

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my-strange-attraction · 7 months

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A Treatise on why Label Policing is Bad

Alternatively named: I do have reading comprehension, you're just a goddamn adult who somehow doesn't know that people can disagree with you for fully thought out and informed reasons and not be a bad person.

I'm kinda tired and don't wanna get riled up because I have work early tomorrow morning but I don't wanna forget to make this post so I'm just gonna jump right into it. I got in a dispute, here's the context for the post in pictures:

(Under the cut because I know this is going to be a long one, but please read if you have the spoons because I think it's important)

The original post:

The self-reblog from OP continuing the rant:

And my response:

You could argue I was asking for OP to get mad at me and write a big post then block me. You would probably be right, but I thought it was important. This IS where radical feminism starts, and I thought it was important to point that out and warn people against it. Also if you've been with me for a while, you know that label anarchy is my whole schtick. I do not stand for label policing, it's just simply one of the worst offenses in my world.

Anyways they answered back. I'm going to go through their answer point by point because they (and some of their followers who anon'ed me) really thought they got me good and disproved all my points. And I still think this is an important subject, so I will gladly take the chance to elaborate my points.

Nope, next question. No, but in all seriousness, there is a huge difference in being frustrated about how people are perceiving a label that you're using versus trying to define that label for everyone else who uses it.

Newsflash: people can use labels in different ways! Label fluidity 101 example is bi vs pan. People use these labels for different reasons and there is so much overlap that there can't really be a solid difference between the two that encompasses all the reasons someone might choose one over the other. Hell, maybe they just like the flag better.

You don't have to be a label anarchist like me to concede that point (although I do highly recommend, being a label anarchist is a blast) and if you understand that, then there's really not that much of a jump to understand why someone might want to microlabel (e.g. bi lesbian) or why someone who might more accurately be described as bi might want to use lesbian as a descriptor instead.

Part of being queer is finding joy in identity. Would you really deny someone else that right?

Gonna be real with you, I don't do background checks when I'm reblogging. I did a cursory glance of your blog just because I was doing a long response and wanted to be sure you weren't actually just a terf. Sue me.

Couple points here. One, words are made up, and the definitions of them are constantly evolving. I'm a writer so I'm absolutely more obnoxious about this than other people, but if you want to change the definition of a word, literally all you have to do is use it in that way enough, and people will understand what you're saying. Especially with identity words.

Two, who is "we"? Lesbians in general? We are not a monolith. I am one, and I don't agree that it's a hard boundary. I do agree that in the general sense of the word, used in it's truest form, it excludes men. That doesn't mean it's always used that way, for the aforementioned reasons.

Three, jesus christ I can't believe you're doing the one where you imply that me saying words are made up is what makes men rape women. Biphobia was created on that fallacy.

See above: bi and pan example. Bi lesbian and bi can be functionally the same label, but for some people, the former is just a more comfortable descriptor.

Nah, I advocate for both microlabeling and macrolabeling because literally none of it matters or hurts anyone. People should get to identify however they feel suits them best. That's part of the joy of being queer.

Also, as I mentioned, I'm a writer and I LOVE playing with words. I'm also a philosophy nerd which might explain why I'm so fucking cerebral about it all. Not everyone has to be like me in regards to how they view labels, I understand that I am absolutely the extreme, but everyone should be allowed to because, I repeat, NOBODY IS BEING HURT BY IT.

I ignored that part of the post because I am not a men's rights activist. I thought Barbie 2023 was too nice to the Kens in the end. I'm a misandrist (ok that's mostly a joke). That part wasn't for me.

Heh, just plain wrong. My college, which I have attended for the past three years and where I am currently in my last year, has an over 70% queer population. Not gonna dox myself, but it's well known for being one of the queerest schools in the US. I am constantly talking to Real Actual Queer People face to face. Also I'm mostly on tumblr for the fandoms. This is just my queer sideblog.

I'm an English major, bro. Reading comprehension is kinda my job. And that's a lazy gotcha by the way, that's just the easiest way to discount someone who you disagree with on the internet. Be more creative.

Also DNIs are kind of a hazy concept tbh. The DNI was listed on your pinned post, not the post which I reblogged. In hindsight, you may have put it in the tags of the original post, as all I saw was a reblog, but you have to understand that the internet as a whole is kind of moving away from DNIs because they're so nebulous and weird and hard to follow. Also I thought your post was problematic so I wanted to say it. The morality there is kinda shaky, I'll admit. There, one point for you. I don't regret it.

Something tells me you don't actually wish me the best...

+ bonus the tags

Don't have time? This is a pretty long post. Though to be fair I don't have the time either, it is way too late for me to be up responding to this, so I'll give you benefit of the doubt.

I am a full time student and work two campus jobs, plus have rehearsals and clubs most nights. I do admit to spending a lot of time scrolling on tumblr, but at least I'm not embarrassed by it like you seem to be.

You are four years older than me, not ten. You're not even 30 yet. Chill, ok? And maybe don't go around throwing the kys word when talking to someone you disagree with on the internet, someone might take it the wrong way.

For some reason I don't think you were laughing typing up this reply...

Anyway, that's it. I spent way too much brain energy on this, but it was important, so if you made it this far, thanks for putting up with my rambly ways. If you saw a typo, no you didn't. I'm tired.

#queer #labels #identity #cw exclusionism #cloudy rambles

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void-kissed · 1 year

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questions 5, 7, and 9 for any of ur inserts for the self insert development asks!

Hello, Hope!! Thank you very much for sending these - and I'm really sorry about how long it took me to be able to answer them!!

(question source: "Self-insert Development Meme" by blushpanda)

I think I will be answering these for Citri, if that's alright! For context, she's one of my Xenoblade Chronicles self-inserts, specifically for the first game in that series. I use her to romantically selfship with Vanea.

5. Does your self-insert have any magical talents or otherwise special abilities? Are they passive, like the ability to befriend animals, or dangerous powers that the villains want? Or if she's evil - any powers the heroes want to stop? - I touched upon this somewhat when answering the same question before, but Citri's not technially one for much magic. However, her main special ability (or, at least, characteristic) is that she contains the soul of Lady Meyneth within her! This was probably supposed to have overwritten her own soul, but she was able to persist as herself and co-exist with the goddess instead, which was advantageous for not only meaning she could continue to exist but also meaning she could begin to interact with Lady Meyneth (as well as Vanea, who was responsible for the soul transfer). As a very quick summary of the dynamic between the two (i.e. Citri and Meyneth), please see this silly message I wrote in Discord once:

Hopefully that helps =P

Incidentally, most of Citri's other special abilities stem from the fact that she is half-Machina by virtue of being a Face Unit pilot, giving her the type of durability, resilience, and fast reaction times that may be expected from having a body that is entirely robotic (except for her head and her hands). She's not evil, but the antagonist is very much opposed to the goddess residing within her.

..okay this ask answer is getting long already, let's put the rest under a readmore if that's alright

7. What kind of clothing style does she like? What would she never be caught dead wearing? What’s likely in her wardrobe right now? - Citri.. can't really wear clothes anymore, in all honesty, due to having that aforementioned robotic body as part of being made into a Face Unit pilot! However, when she still lived with Shulk and the others back in Colony 9, she favoured cute outfits that were nevertheless not too over-the-top, as well as any clothes that she found comfortable and not restrictive. Even now, I imagine that she would be happy to wear accessories like different bows for her hair. She hates wearing anything that's too tight or made of an unfavourable texture - for example, she couldn't wear a waterproof coat unless she had long sleeves on underneath it. Here are her two appearances and therefore outfits so far - the first one is her initial appearance as a Homs (i.e. human), while the second one is her current appearance as the pilot of Face Nemesis!

9. Her favourite foods? Colours? Activities? What does she enjoy in life? How does she express her joy for things she likes? - Citri's favourite colour is green, while her favourite food is.. if going by in-game collectables (although this one is technically only found in Future Connected), then Morrow Cob, as it's basically the Bionis' equivalent to sweetcorn! However, she doesn't actually need to eat after becoming a Face Unit, only requiring water and some amount of ether for survival. When it comes to favourite activities, Citri very much enjoys learning, whether in the traditional academic sense or just simply getting to hear others' knowledge and expertise. After being captured and taken to the Mechonis, she is fond of travelling around the titan where possible in order to experience more of what it and its people are like. Other than that, she also enjoys reading and working with computers! She's quite expressive in her joy despite not being overly overzealous naturally, as it doesn't take that much for her to get excited about things she likes, and she also doesn't shy away from giving compliments frequently about the things that she likes or thinks are neat.

I hope that all of these answers are alright!! Thank you very much again for sending in the questions~

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fin-markets · 2 years

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Types of ETFs available today

As we discussed in my previous post, an ETF is a basket of securities, shares of which are traded on exchanges like that of companies. The reason why there are now so many different ETFs available in the market today is twofold- one being Investor Demand and the other being the advancements in technology which have helped ETFs (and many other securities) to become easily tradable.

Some of the most common types of ETFs are-

Equity ETFs These track an index of equities. They could be covering a set of large businesses, small businesses, medium sized businesses, or a set of businesses from a particular sector or industry.

Currency ETFs Currency ETFs either invest in a single currency or in a set of currencies. This is done either directly investing into the foreign currencies or with the help of derivates. These are commonly used either to speculate on the currency fluctuations to turn a profit or to hedge against risk in the investor's portfolio. As short selling ETFs is possible, the use of currency ETFs is becoming more and more popular.

Fixed Income/Bond ETFs These provide the investor with a fixed rate of return, and thus, significantly reducing the risk. These are most commonly used to hedge against risk and to diversify the investor's portfolio.

Commodity ETFs The most important point to note about Commodity ETFs is that they do not directly own the underlying assets, instead, derivates are used to track the price of the underlying assets- like gold, silver, or oil in the context of commodity ETFs. Derivatives could carry a higher risk but Commodity ETFs are great to diversify one's portfolio and the associated risk.

Speciality ETFs This is a relatively new category of ETFs, they are further classified into two types- Leveraged Funds and Inverse funds. The former, as the name suggests, make use of borrowed funds to invest and offer a much higher growth potential, they usually have a 'leverage multiple', for example a 1.5X leveraged fund would borrow 0.5 times funds invested by the investor to further invest in the underlying securities. Inverse funds' values go up when that of the underlying goes down. This is similar to when an investor is short selling to turn a profit. I personally prefer Leveraged funds over Inverse funds. Both of these are risky investments and thorough research should be done before investing into such funds.

Factor ETFs Although the use of factors for managing portfolios by institutional investors has been there for a long time, only in the recent years factors are being used to create ETFs. This is because people are realizing how the classic approach of stock picking doesn't always work, so they're now relying on targeting specific drivers of return across asset classes. We'll discuss this type of investing in my next blog as it is a vast topic which needs to be understood in detail :)

Sustainable ETFs Sustainable investing combines traditional investment approaches with environmental, social and governance insights. The underlying assets of a sustainable ETF keeps the aforementioned insights in mind, and these ETFs are becoming attractive to a wide range of investors.

~Lakshya Kapoor

#finance #companies #corporate #business #banking #economy #stockmarket #trade

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selormohene · 6 months

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day 111 (sunday, october 22nd 2023)

I've been single for almost exactly nine months now, and it feels so weird reflecting on just how much has changed in my life in general since then. And I guess also wondering, every now and then, how much of that has to do with having gotten out of a relationship versus more general life changes that happened to coincide with that. But mostly just realising how much my life has changed, how much I have changed, just in these few months. For instance there's someone who I've been hanging out with recently and she feels (to me, at least, idk how she feels about me) like an old friend. Like I feel like I've known her for years already, or at any rate more than a year. But apparently it's only been a few months. But then I think about that and I'm like, of course it's only been a few months, because we became friends after I moved to her and she turned out to be taken, so that could only have happened after I'd become single. And then I remember thinking to myself that I've recently become more outgoing, and then I'm stunned to realise that that actually only happened a few months ago, because I told the aforementioned friend about it, and then I remember that it happened around the time that the current first-years came for their visit and that was only in March or April of this year. It's a cascade of realisations and memories, and I don't know what it is, but perhaps it's the fact that my life seems to have been so eventful this year, out of nowhere, and I've changed so much in this short time as well, that it feels as though the before times were ages ago when they really weren't.

Anyway, for about a month after I became single I made it a point not to go on any dating apps, just so I wouldn't (a) do anything crazy or (b) fall into a spiral of frustration. (Or both!) But I've been back in the streets since then, and it's been a ride, to say the least. I've gone on a number of dates, I can't really say how many but quite a few, and I've interacted with quite a few more women in a context somewhere in the vicinity — romantic, platonic, exploratory, friend of a friend so who knows what might become of this, let me check my how far, I just met you but I'm going to be flirtatious because it's fun and also you never know, etc. And although I've learned a lot from all this, I'd say one thing that stands out to me, both in these experiences and in the mindset I've brought to them and taken from them, is something like being open to getting to know women and having relationships with women in a lot of different ways.

I remember writing once in my Twitter drafts, and it's something I've thought about a lot, that emotional intimacy with ambiguous romantic implications seems to have been the defining theme of my life in a lot of ways. Like the number of "what are we" I've had in my life in some form or another might be like one thousand. I'm not sure why that is, maybe it's one of those things where I knew I liked all of these women and/or that they liked me in that way, but none of us wanted to be the first one to initiate that conversation, and that's definitely been a theme, the fear of ruining a good but uncertain thing. But I also think that I've enjoyed the ability to be close to women in a way that might or might not have had some undercurrent of romantic tension — just the ability to be physically close, to have one's head on the other's lap or shoulder, to have deep conversations, to dwell in ambiguity, to lay awake not being sure of the exact nature of what one feels for someone, except that it's very strong — and even to realise, occasionally, that what one feels just is a deep connection that's nevertheless not romantic in nature. I guess I haven't had that with a lot of people, and partly because I'm straight even the significant male friendships I've had, and I think there have been some, have nonetheless been such as to have a lot less ambiguity concerning their romantic potential, right about zero in fact. When I entered a relationship, of course, all of that went away. And although I don't regret having experienced what it was like to have that one person who is completely and unambiguously yours, and you theirs, and although I genuinely valued having that experience, I think I did miss that other sort of thing, and in any case it's been lovely to have that back.

But it's different this time. I think there's a lot less ambiguity from my end, at least, or a lot less fear. I've just become better at talking to women more generally, but I'm also less wary of being upfront about what I want. (It also helps that the people I'm talking to seem to play games a lot less than when I was younger.) So now it's not entirely a matter of now knowing what I'm doing or what's going on, but being consciously open to getting to know women in a lot of different ways, enjoying whatever comes from the journey, and not having a fixed outcome (typically of the romantic variety) in mind, regardless of the sort of relationship to which the person in question and I would be best suited in light of our respective personalities, and in default of which the only alternative is never to speak to the people in question again. Of course it takes two people with a similar mindset for such things to work, and it also takes them to communicate so that they don't end up both going against their shared preferences in the light of das Man, but at least getting to this point has been a good thing for me, and has also transformed the way I've navigated the current phase of my life, and that's something I'm happy about.

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tryst-art-archive · 1 year

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Context: 2010, pt. 2

Enter Boyfriend 2

As the summer of 2010 approached, the boy who'd flirted with me the previous December resurfaced and began flirting again--but this time I wasn't spoken for. It turned out our family homes weren't that far from each other, and, although I didn't have a license, he didn't mind driving, so we made plans to meet during the summer break.

It was a bizarre courtship, and when I look back at the situation now with the benefit of more life experience, I have to laugh at how dumb I kept being. But I'll also be nice to myself: how could I not be dumb? I knew nothing and wasn't used to being seen as attractive at all. I'd functionally entered a world I knew nothing about. I'd never even learned how to say "no" to anyone about anything.

So, our courtship was lumpy. He would make moves, and then I would second guess myself about whether or not I was reading the situation correctly and would act stiff, so then he'd think I wanted to keep things friendly or move slower, but then I'd overcorrect from the last time we met so we'd be meeting up with clearly misaligned expectations about whether or not we were going on a date...

It was silly. I remain faintly amazed he put up with it.

Sometime around the end of the summer we finally managed to align expectations and began a relationship--which I remember being excited about but also confused by. We still didn't know each other that well, all things considered; it all felt a bit rushed, especially considering how much being confusing we'd both done for three solid months.

Sure enough, about a month after we'd started dating, he called me out to one of our college's buildings where he was working on an assignment and said he'd like to end the relationship on the basis that he'd be going to LA in a few months. He felt he was functionally leading me on by continuing it, given that it now had a built-in end date; long distance wasn't on the table.

I found this reasonable, and while I was disappointed by the outcome, I honestly wasn't as busted up about it as I could have been. I remember returning to my dorm and feeling proud of myself for Handling It Like An Adult.

And then the next day he hit me up with a booty call.

Dear reader, 19-year-old Trystan was initially and rightfully offended. However, 19-year-old Trystan was also very horny and at the very start of his Hot Girl Phase (TM).

What ensued was an awkward friends with benefits arrangement that had me confused 100% of the time. It also involved me being the worst dormmate. I'd at this point changed dorm rooms to one with a really lovely view overlooking Boston Commons and a new roommate in a much, much smaller space.

That roommate and I actually had the problem of being too similar. We were shy/socially anxious and avoidant of confrontation in the same way, which meant we never really built any kind of connection--while I never truly became close with my roommates of the prior year, one of them and I had become friendly enough that she gave me parting gifts when she returned to Dubai.

New!Roommate and I were just strangers who uncomfortably shared a space but not a schedule; I did a lot of homework in darkness or in the common room that school year. I also functionally locked her out of the room several times to get laid, so OOPS.

I can't even say "I didn't know better." I super did. I was being an asshole, and I knew it. I felt bad about it, but I didn't stop until aforementioned ex-boyfriend-now-fwb moved across the country.

Not All Bad

The thing about Boyfriend 2 (who we're going to call that for ease of sentence-writing) is that I could easily tell this story as him being just some shitty bro taking the opportunity to get his dick wet with a naive girl, but that wouldn't be accurate.

When I look back at it now, what I realize is that of all the people I've been intimate with, he was actually the most consistently upfront and clear about his intentions and wants. I just wasn't ready to communicate in a direct and straightforward way; I'd literally never done that before. It wasn't how the cultures I'd grown up in functioned, ever, and so I assumed that when someone told me something directly, there was another, unspoken motive under the surface.

Does that mean he did nothing wrong? No, but that's my point. I struggle to put this particular affair into an easily digestible form because it simply isn't easily digestible--and that's kind of a good thing. I learned a lot from him.

So here are a few of the stories.

When we were in that summer of awkward courtship, and before we'd really done anything other than go on remarkably celibate dates, there was a time when he touched my arm while we were joking around. Later on, after our arrangement had become intimate, he reminded me of that occasion and told me he'd done that intentionally in order to break what he called "the touch barrier." Once you break the touch barrier with someone, assuming they aren't put off by it, you'll both be able to make physical contact easily going forward. This tidbit rattled around in my head for years, and I notice when I and other people break the touch barrier.

This was also during the summer, and it's probably the most Coming of Age Story thing I've ever done. On a day when we didn't plan to see each other because Boyfriend 2 was out drinking with friends (which I couldn't join for because I was a couple years under the legal drinking age), I got a text late at night (I was awake; I slept 3 or 4 hours a night for most of college) in which he asked if he could stop in. I was at my parents house, so the "Dad'll be pissed if I sneak you in here" was my first thought but, for reasons I to this day don't comprehend and therefore were probably "I am horny," I agreed after some discussion.

Lo, Boyfriend 2 came to the house, parked, relieved himself at one corner of the house, and came around to the back door to the basement (where I was) whereupon I let him in. I remember there being a harrowing moment while he was there when my dad went downstairs from the bedrooms to the bathroom (first floor). I was basically holding my breath, praying he wouldn't walk downstairs to scold me for being up. But, he apparently decided I was in bed and had left the basement light on by accident. He turned it off and trundled up to bed. I remember claiming in the morning that I'd fallen asleep on the basement couch by accident. Not sure my parents ever found out I'd pulled this one off.

Boyfriend 2 had a lot of qualities and experiences that were far outside my personal realm of experience. His family history was complicated and messy, and he was the single most ambitiously driven person I've ever met. He hailed from Bulgaria, which he'd left as a teen with the desire to direct films (which was his major). He worked a pile of jobs and saved scrupulously to put himself through college--ours was not a cheap college at all--and the things he spoke to experiencing and doing to achieve his dream just blew my mind. I couldn't imagine ever wanting something that bad (I was depressed out of my mind, remember).

He was also a big Linkin Park fan, which I was initially skeptical of. To me, Linkin Park was screamo I listened to when I was 14 and angsting on the bus with my Walkman. He told me he related to the songs a lot, that they touched parts of his lived experience. That thought wriggled around my head for a long time, and it contributed to the easing of my own habituated snap judgments.

You know how a meme went around a bit ago about white people not washing their legs? Yeah that used to be me. I learned to -actually wash my legs and feet- from Boyfriend 2. Not sure if he knew he taught me that, though. It was one of those things where we were showering together, I saw him not just trusting to the fall of soap and had the "Oh crap I'll seem weird and gross if I don't also wash my legs/feet" and started doing it, hahaha.

Another time, when we were in the relationship phase, we talked a bit about how awkward our initial courtship had been, and he owned that he'd nearly given up on me. Good lesson in being clearer with my intentions, as well as more confident in my assessment of situations.

Another summertime one: Boyfriend 2 drove fast. Dangerously fast, always. The kind of car you see zip by you on the highway and decide to change lanes to get away from. One of the times we were in his car, driving down the interstate at night, we came upon a crash thsat was completely invisible in the darkness because the people involved didn't have any lights on. Boyfriend 2 swerved out of the way successfully, but it was an incredibly near miss that shook us both up. I learned something about road safety that night, and it actually wasn't the speeding issue (that was obvious): it was about making yourself visible after a crash.

This one's a TMI so skip this paragraph if you don't want to read about a sex thing. I also learned something about myself and consent via Boyfriend 2, which was that my inability to say "no" was a lot more deeply seeded and dangerous than I'd previously realized. One time when we were getting frisky, he made an attempt to engage in anal without involving any lube or permission in the matter. (Now, there's a decent chance this was accidental, but at the time I didn't interpret it that way.) It wasn't a thing that had ever been discussed as on the table, and I was alarmed and didn't want to go there. But I didn't say anything. I clammed up. I made one whimpering sound when it started to hurt, and he stopped, so it was a non-issue, but the revelation that even under threat of a nonconsensual sex act I still wouldn't say no sure did prime me to get my ass out of shitty situations quickly in the future. The TMI has ended.

Through Boyfriend 2 I had the opportunity to be an extra on a film set and to help out on another one. This on the one hand revealed to me how the camera can take a bunch of duct tape and cheap plastic champagne flutes and make them look like a high quality sci-fi set with the right lighting, and it also revealed that I really loved the vibe and energy of the situation. I was a pretty crappy extra, but working behind the scenes was cool as shit, and that primed me for entering the entertainment industry in a different way than being someone who makes stuff had. I think, maybe, it was the first time I'd enjoyed working in a team (and that's 99.9% of what entertainment industries are).

And here is the last and, I think, most important one:

When it came time for him to move to LA, I made him a going away present. I put a lot of effort and care into it. He really liked gin and tonics so it was a little set I put together for making them--glass, gin I had someone else buy, the rest of the ingredients, little cut outs of ice and limes that I drew myself (they came out great; I fortunately do have scans) and a recipe card with a mocked up g&t on one side and the recipe on the other, to be cute. I was proud of this present.

When he received it, the first thing he said (that I remember) was a sarcastic "I'm pretty sure I know how to make a gin and tonic" about the recipe card (which was intended decoratively, really). It hurt the fuck out of my feelings, and while I do remember some nicer things said about the other elements, the wounded feeling and sense that I had been wasting my time really hit hard and stuck with me. And that's the lesson: spend your time on people who will appreciate it, not trying to win over folks who already got what they wanted from you.

And thus did Boyfriend 2 exit my life. Our encounters had slowly petered out until he departed. When he got to LA, he started dating a girl he knew there in short order (they'd been very chatty leading up to the move), which I read as echoing what had happened with Boyfriend 1. As she became more interesting, I became less so, like the toy a child grows bored of.

I didn't want to be "boring" again.

#context #info #me #autobiographical #relationships #college #nonconsensual behavior #10s #2010 #Age 19

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