#also no one could go with me so im alone. sad.

[megumi-fm]

.

#okay random story time i don't know why im narrating this or how i even stumbled upon this memory rn #but i generally do sad vents in the tags and for a change this is a funny one #so back in highschool (i say highschool but i mean junior college) i used to visit this park near my house a lot #i was an sg kid back then and the thing about parks there is that they're kinda beach-parks and they have the best cycling/running tracks #they're also really massive parks so i used to go often. sometimes bicycling. other times walking. yeah. the park was like my sanctuary #anyway. there are quite a few bike rental areas in the park and there was a cute lil shop next to this one particular rental place #and they sold like biscuits and water and icecreams and stuff so i went there a lot #and on one particular day i went there and there was this guy around my age part timing at that shop #now again this migjt be a culture specific thing bc i dont see it in india a lot but part timing in uni/pre-uni is p common is sg #a lot of shops and restaurants employ have really young waiters for part time... anyway im just adding context #point is that i had walked to the park with my mum that day and she had told me to go buy like a couple icecreams and i went to the shop #and i saw this guy around my age and like. not to be a simp but this dude was so pretty? #like he saw someone had come to the counter so he looked up and shot a smile and i thought i got slapped by sunlight #i could spend the next several lines going on about his pretty tan skin and his glowing raven eyes but this is pathetic enough so ill stop #anyway. he saw me and smiled really wide (customer service smile- i thought to myself) and i smiled back and asked for icecreams or whateve #and then this guy started getting chatty right. so he was all 'you come here (to the park) often right? ive seen you with your bike a lot' #see now. the problem with me is that i always think im bothering people. this poor dude was attempting to make conversation #and i was replying with one word answers #and i wasn't even realizing that he didnt want that. bc he kept asking more questions and i. kept. shutting them down. #then when he gave me the icecream he was all 'are you here alone? icecream alone is no fun... i could keep you company if you want..?' #which. he was being really cute about right. but because im so fucking dense i was all 'oh no i came with my mom actually' #and he went 'aw man' in this really cute but faux sad way which i didnt understand at the time and i left and then #after three full fucking days. i realized this man was tryna hit on me? #and then i went to the park like a week later and he was gone. poof. i even thought of asking the uncle in charge of that place #then i got too embarrassed and chickened out #yeah so turns out my neurodivergence neutralizes any sort of rizz that comes my way #i could've been chilling with a cute boyf rn but no😩 this is my destiny

[drdemonprince]

how did you know that seeking institutional help was the right step to take?

For four years I was always in high levels of care. When I transitioned out of that, I was a "revolving door patient" to ip units living with a carer the rest of the time. I sometimes self-harmed or did other actions intentionally to get hospitalized during that time. I'm going to focus on mostly that because I don't want to get into the weeds of how different psych treatment programs are categorized and run.

I would say that my goal of being hospitalized usually was to change something in my outpatient life - let my therapist know I wasn't willing to do something, get my companions to let me go for walks alone, whatever. I'd get hospitalized or call the cops on myself or send scary texts to my therapist and then try to end my life, eventually being stopped. I didn't want to die, but if I could prove to them I was willing to, they'd listen.

Another person mentioned a desire for closeness+physical touch, and that was a huge part of it for me. i even got restrained sometimes just because I wanted any touch, which is something commonly heard from incarcerated people. I had certain nurses and other staff who I saw as my family, calling my therapist "dad" and interacting in a needy, childlike way with floor staff.

I also liked how much it pared down my life. I was in college at the time, and found the social habits of the other students confusing and overwhelming, so I'd get hospitalized to miss class.

what helped you trust the professionals or the institution enough for it to be beneficial to you?

i wouldn't say I trust any of the institutions, but some staff earned my trust. I was a scary mean noncompliant patient so the few who actually bothered to get to know me were usually moments away from some kind of burnout where they realized all this shit sucks.

One of the things they did that earned my trust was to share about their own mental health or addiction history. This is encouraged in sud places, but usually VERY discouraged in psych units, moreso the higher level of care it is.

Another big thing was to allow me to break rules or break them themselves. My ex-therapist used to meet with me for extra time, give me my DVD player when I wasn't allowed, etc. and it felt like he saw me as equal. Turns out he sucks. but. during the time he was treating me he definitely helped me a lot with my thinking patterns, so the trust still ended up benefiting me, even if the relationship didn't always. He also talked A LOT about his family and life outside of work, and showed me pictures, and I even met his dog once.

for me this is an example of why therapists are kind of. not great? because he earned my trust enough to help me, I was at his defense. I felt like not getting better was something I was "doing to him", and his displays of sadness (once something I'd considered a positive aspect of his self disclosure) became a way to manipulate me into the hospital when I didn't want to go, without having to resort to force or law. i agreed with the assertion of psychology that he knew me better than I know myself, and gave every part of my personality, personhood, to the medical model.

so yes it helped as in now when I'm suicidal or about to bpd-style destroy my every relationship I think "play the tape forward what happens next" and don't. which is lame bc it means most of the people who treated me get to leave patting themselves on the back about how well im doing now.

which kinds of institutions have been *less* traumatic than the others?

A few times I got to live in supportive group home style places, and those are kind of nice! It was cool to be in a place surrounded by other mentally ill people. Much less lonely. In general, places that let you outside independently, let you access food independently (e.g. no staff in the kitchen), and let you keep some secrets from staff are the best. My quality of life was 100% better when all the program heads knew we were vaping in our rooms but just let it happen unless someone started setting off alarms. Ditto with like, being able to stay up late on Devices.

Having that independence, a place for my sense of self other than being a patient, was sooo sooo helpful.

is it sometimes worth simply not being able to act on the ideation, even if it means putting up with lots of institutional bullshit?

I didn't find the hospital particularly good at getting me to not act, instead they just prevented the worst consequences. All three hundred stitches I got for self-harm were while I was institutionalized. But like, my nerve damage is less than it could've been. I am not sure how to evaluate if that's better than having just died, because I have no idea how much the institution itself caused self-harm and suicidality.

all things being equal, would it always be better to be able to stay at a friend's house instead?

yes

if you could get 24-7 company from a loved one, would that be better?

yes. however. i think it would be good if people had some information about how to talk to suicidal people. like... i forget the training. but its similar to what they teach helpline volunteers. thats its ok to say suicide. to ask if they have a plan. to ask if theyd be willing to get rid of the means. etc.

SORRY IF THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE TO READ

this is a wealth of information, thank you!

[midnightbrightside]

I’m desperate to your immaculate takes on Krisnix from that one ask—what do you think about 2 and 39 (bonus if the little animals get thrust upon them…it’s Trucy who brings home a box of kittens or something)

ayyy thank you im glad you like my krisnix thoughts!

2- What would they do if the other woke up in a manic state after a nightmare?

when phoenix has nightmares kristoph holds him as he sobs, gently shushing him and saying it was just a dream. phoenix grips kristoph's arms tight to ground himself and it sometimes leaves bruises. kristoph always points them out in a "look what i put up with for you" kind of way that fills phoenix with shame. "really, phoenix, what would you do without me?"

when kristoph has a nightmare he needs to be completely alone but also held as tightly as possible, he also stops speaking. phoenix holds his hands but kristoph snatches them away like the touch burns him and he looks up with wide, scared eyes. so phoenix keeps his distance and encourages kristoph to breathe deep until he stops shaking. then he asks kristoph if he wants to talk about it, kristoph shakes his head. phoenix then asks if he wants a hug, kristoph croaks out very quietly "im not... a child" and phoenix nods "you're not" and holds out his arms. kristoph collapses into them.

39- Who would rescue an injured animal and nurse it back to health? What would the other think?

i got too excited abt this one. gonna put everyone one my "kristoph loves animals" agenda.

trucy comes back home absolutely drenched by the rain holding a box of 6 sopping wet abandoned kittens. she begs phoenix to let her keep them and it absolutely breaks phoenix heart to say "we dont have the space or the money for everything they need. it's late so we can keep them for tonight but we'll have to take them to a shelter tomorrow, im sorry, sweetheart." trucy is NOT happy about it. in true preteen fashion she takes them to her room and starts planning all the ways she, a 12 year old, could raise 6 kittens. phoenix sighs and starts searching what he should feed them, just for tonight.

kristoph arrives later on to pick phoenix up for a date, sees the little furballs meowing around the apartment, and immediately starts fussing.

"these poor babies! where did you find them, and why are they so filthy?"

phoenix explains whats going on and adds "we tried to give them a bath but..." he holds up his arms to show the scratches.

kristoph scoffs, "really, phoenix, you dont have nearly the means nor the knowledge to take care of one animal let alone six." he looks down to where trucy is sitting, playing with the kittens with a makeshift toy made of scrap cloth, and frowns.

"well, first of all, kris: ouch. i was actually thinking we could maybe keep one-"

trucy interrupts from the floor "THREE at LEAST!"

"- and secondly, as i said, we are going to take them to a shelter first thing tomorrow" he looks so apologetic, so sad.

"Absolutely not" Kristoph snaps, "the local shelters are overrun as it is, to say nothing of how they are managed. I wouldnt trust them with these poor creatures either." he looks like hes thinking about something, "Trucy, dear, have you noticed if these kittens are injured or perhaps sick?"

trucy perks up and lists how each cat is faring, which ones are walking funny and points out how one of them has a weird spot near it's eye. as she's rattling off each one's ailments, phoenix notes that she's already named them and his heart melts a little more.

kristoph tuts, "we'll have to take them to the vet then, we can get them microchipped while we're there. vongoles' carrier should be big enough for the journey, oh, she would make an excellent mother..." he almost sounds like he's thinking out loud.

"so we're keeping them???" Trucy beams.

kristoph explains that they're not old enough to be separated from their siblings yet and that she and Phoenix dont have the space to care for all of them, but he is more than happy to take them until they are ready to go to a good home. he shoots a sharp glare at phoenix as he says "typically, cats adjust to a new home much better when adopted in pairs", phoenix gets the memo.

the next day they take the kittens to the vet and kristoph buys all the supplies he could need. over the next few weeks he nurses them back to health and trucy drops by almost every day after school to see how they're doing and play with them. phoenix knew that kristoph liked animals, but it's something else to see this 6'1 icicle of a man dote on these tiny creatures, he even calls them by the names trucy gave them. in moments like these he doesnt seem dangerous at all.

and vongole LOVES them, she's so excited when she first sees them she barely knows what to do with herself. kristoph was right, she makes a great mother. phoenix finds everyone's energy infectious, he buys food, 2 cat beds, some toys, other supplies, and when the time comes he asks kristoph about the kittens.

"sorry, Phoenix, i already found good homes for them" kristoph smiles apologetically and phoenix's heart drops, "i didnt even know you wanted one, i know trucy did, but you didnt seem too enthused. perhaps it's for the best, you dont have the means to take care of a pet." oh.

trucy is miserable. phoenix feels like hes dissapointed her. kristoph is smug as all hell.

#just in case anyone forgot the type of guy phoenix is dealing with here.... #ill reblog with an alt ending tho #krisnix #kristoph gavin #phoenix wright #ace attorney #ace attorney headcanon #ask #anon #mine #my fic

[sadmages]

Gonna watch a festival screening with my gradfilm in it and I'm saur insecure and also have been crying/on the verge of crying all week so if anyone says anything about my film. Brother I'm exploding

#sorry for using tumblr as a diary but thats what a public blog is for #also no one could go with me so im alone. sad. #also its a 10 pm screening and im so fucking tired #dissipates dissipates dissipates #gabby rambles

[harvestmoth]

okay last one. au where nothing goes wrong at all ever (a lie) and melia venam gay moment

#i like this game a normal amount (also a lie) #everyone should play now do it now please #pokemon rejuvenation #oh another thing about twitter. makes me sad i cant yell about things in the tags there like i always do because there are no tags there #if i wanted to id have to make it into a thread and im pretty sure people read those. so awful #i mean not that i say anything worthwhile here usually but still. no one reads this here. i could yell my thoughts if i had any #anyways about the au :] i have no idea how it would work #i have no thoughts ever at all i was just replaying the game and the one little line melia says at the picnic made me sad #the one where she says its her last day in gearen and asks the player to go with her to gdc #and then she just goes ah nevermind that was weird of me to ask #and no… wait come back… id love to go to gdc with you… :[ #and thats where that idea came from. idk where the rest of it came from though i think ive been cursed or somethinv #and also something something her saying shes afraid to go to gdc alone only for her to end up in the past also alone sometging something. ow #my thoughts are very coherent i promise (no they arent)

[sleepyseals]

[Image Description: Two unfinished digital paintings / sketches of the hatchling and Hal from outer wilds. they are standing with their arms around each other and the hatchling has their head leaning on hal's shoulder as hal watches the supernova in the distance through the doorway of the museum. the first image is the scene viewed from behind with everything lit in bright blue with dark shadows. the second image shows hal's face looking in fear towards the light and is only partially colored, the rest sketched over a gray background. End Image Description.]

something you'll run back in for when the house burns down

#im going to post something on halloween but also want to post like sketch compilations and unfinished stuff #bc I draw alllll the tiiimeee and theres so much and its just going to get buried in my hard drive if I dont do anything with it #I'm so shy to post this but im in a good mood today so ok you can have the hal post #::) hal. #I wanted to finish these sooo badly and I still want to - it might take me completely reworking it again though :P #im scared this will become one of those pieces where i improve at anatomy more then look back at this one and be like. Gah what was I doing #honestly thats already happened. these are from several months ago #I kept their expression kind of neutral.. both because I dont think I could accurately capture the sheer dumfounded horror. #also because my heart will shatter into many pieces if I draw hal too sad #anyway the caption is a lyric from alone by tresspassers william #the album that song is from is called different stars and its one of my favorite albums ever ever <3 its very somber but I love it #this song doesnt even remind me of these two thaaat much #but theres other songs on the album that do more.. like vapour trail... and anchor oh my god. anchor... #and if you cant steer then it would be safer to drop the anchor 🤔🤔 #ok I'm done talking now bye hal fans #outer wilds #outer wilds spoilers #very early spoilers. lol sub 23 minute spoilers #hal outer wilds #hatchling outer wilds #the hatchling #timber hearth #. I guess?

[lollytea]

She was driven mad by the truth (Clover and Emmeline love Hunter to pieces)

#that scene in ftf makes me fucking insane!!!! #their concerned little faces as they trail after him #like. hes not going anywhere. hes just pacing. they dont need to do this #but theyre silly brainless little creatures. they dont really know how to comfort him. #all they know is that hes sad :( and they are filled with love for him :( so they want to be close to him so hes less alone :( #do you ever think about how #clover and emmeline spent who knows how many years lost and forgotten #without a witch #i feel like a bond with a witch is the core of any palisman. they feel a void if they dont have one #so their little brains can certainly put together how devastated hunter must be to lose his ''other half'' #its literally the worst thing their little brains could think of. its heartbreaking for them to see #but again. thryre not the brightest. theyre just like ''he's all alone'' :( #so their solution is to attach themselves to him so hes not alone #thats all they can think to do. theyre trying #also i feel like a part of their love for hunter is influenced by willow and gus' love for hunter #considering witches and palismen have a mental link im sure they fully understand just how deep the adoration for this boy runs #and thats all the reason they need to love him too #(i cant sleep. so you get very emotional babbling about palismen)

[thestamp3d3]

i cant get over how absolutely insane satosugu is...gege was born to write yaoi forced to write shounen

#sorry i remembered hidden inventory arc n im insane about them again :(( SAD LITTLE GAY PEOPLE IN MY PHONE!!! #nah but it just...OUGHHH they make me so upset!!! #its just they way they start out immediately understanding each other bc gojo has been alone on a pedestal basically his entire life+ #but then he meets geto who treats him like a normal dude!!! not a weapon!!! and just watching them annoy each other as normal teens + #makes me emotional bc theres so much cruelty and just DEATH in their world but at the least they have each other to get through it!!! #theyre the strongest together after all right!!! then toji happens and gojo starts to perfect his abilities with him automating infinity #and then the gap between the two just gets wider and wider...until the final confrontation where the one who understood gojo all this time #not only leaves him but calls him arrogant at the same time showing gojo the ONLY person who he though understood just..doesnt+ #and hes left alone again in the same place he was years ago...AND OUGHHHHH #idk i watched a video analysis of hidden inventory where the guy said geto was just as egotistical as gojo except in having a savior comple #and tbh i never though of that before!! but looking back it makes sense with how he spoke to riko + the way he slaughtered the whole villag #to not just save the girls but also prove to himself that he could make the world he wanted #the guy in the video put it basically that since the gap between gojo and geto was so wide geto would rather be the best villain+ #than second best hero and that makes a lot of sense since his ideals/goals as a villain go against his usual rational behavior #he KNOWS its probably impossible (for him at least it wouldnt be for gojo which he admits) but he has to do it for himself #sorry im rambling but AHHHHHH how tf did gege write this??? its such a small part of the story but its arguably the catalyst for everything #aside from plot wise it simply just is impactful emotionally! gege had to go thru a toxic codependent homoerotic friendship to write this+ #theres just no other way #jjk #jujustu kaisen #gojo satoru #geto suguru #satosugu

[bonesrbleaching]

had the most braindead repetitive conversation/argument with my parents. buzz cuts are too masculine but if you dye a design on it it become effeminate which is bad because then you look weak and if youre weak then society falls apart (all societies ever that have fallen apart for any reason are actually because of feminine men) and we start sacrificing babies. and also all mental illness is invented because only 4 people had anxiety in the 90s and covid was made up so that we would all become gay and trans and then the government can control us better and be joe biden's little sex slaves. and also i need to keep my hair long because my father finds it attractive. what

#lolaa.txt #what do i even tag this with . my mother wouldn't let me leave and i kept asking for sources and she kept saying 'i'm your mother!!!' #'i wouldnt lie to you!' #okay. say that to someone maybe who doesnt know you lie to them all the time. #its tiring going around in circles with her.my father is better because at least he admits when he doesnt have a reason for feeling some wa #also what got me. she said 'do you own research if you want!! but im right!!!' #yeahh not seeing anything about anything you just said. i think you made that up. #i have a theory that my mother secretly hates herself because she believes all women are weak and must serve strong men #and my father has so so much trauma and anxiety that he cant be that strong man #so now she feels like shes betraying her very biology when she has to step up. #and also because i am stronger than her now and my hair is long and far far denser than hers and i have a younger face #that she feels that im wasting my precious femininity that she could be using. does that make sense. #shes so miserable trapped in her idea of what makes a man and a woman what they are. once you stop caring about what makes someone somethin #you dont have to worry about anyone else. #im queer because i dont really feel that connection to biological and social ideas of gender that my parents seem to #never really have #im not gonna theorize 'ohh shed be happier nonbinary' or stuff like that because it is up to you and you alone to define who you are #if you spend your whole life trying to fit a box for the sake of fitting the box #then when would you have any space for self discovery #youve invented personality traits to go along with your box. now you can never ever change or grow as a person. congrats #and you know what? one day she will die. and that will be the end of that. #and i will live and i will probably shave my head a thousand times. and come up with new names #and new ways to be a better person that makes me feel happy #and i will dress like a boy because its all made up anyways. who cares. #and if you care? that much about what im wearing or how i look? #then thats your problem and i wont be responsible to maintain your happiness. #SORRY RANT OVER. #im just so flabbergasted. what a sad life someone can lead poisoned by jealously and reactive rhetoric. #tw homophobia #tw transphobes

[jackalopefreckles]

SURGEON SAID I COULD TAKE OFF THE MEDICAL BINDER IT FEELS WEIRRD ITS SO WEIRD IM LAYING IN BED AND LIKE what the fuck what the fuck I can feel my whole fucking??? Just me what the fuck whatr eufkc wbat3 the fuck

#this is amazing and kinda overwhelming and idk Im gonna try and sleep without it but Im also able to?? breath with my whole chest AND?? #i dont feel those fucking triple ds this whole time part of me was feea #freaking just the fuck out #i kinda am now Just its so nice #but like kinda sad because it feels a bit too much like being the only one at the hormone clinic by themselves #like youre happy and its great but even the doctor is going to ask questions about why youre alone #especially on your first appointment and idk its not a lie to say that they were just busy #its also not a lie to say no one knows #lots of people know about this thing though and Im less alone I guess but idk #still weird?? #to be laying in bed like oh fuCK someone could touch my bare chest and it wouldn't make me wanna mckill myself lmao #oH FUCK. I JUST TOUCHED KT WHAT RHE FUFK WHAT THE FUCK #FUCK I SHOULDVE DONE THIS EARLIER EVERYONE I KNOW IS ASLEEP FUCK FUCK #ugh hate being alone :/ but not enough to give my time to this one dude who wont fucking stop texting me LMAO #hes a fucking creep tho smh like pls stop calling me cute first off I know second youre probably at least twice my age and no offense but #no #nope #just all the bad vibes and I know I have anxiety but esp the continued texting after Ive.... straight up ghosted for AWHILE now #yeah nope #ANYWAY BACK TO HOW HOT AND SEXY I AM AHHHH #someone come spoon me

[this-doesnt-endd]

Not passing the vibe check at the moment

#i cant fall asleep even tho im tired and got sad like outta nowhere #i was just vibing chilling and then i was like #i will never recover from being like a teenage girl and my brain was like so fucking true bestie #lets get horrifically sad and start over analyzing everything about urself from birth to now #so im just having a time #also like this is a completly unrelated topic #but i got coffee 2day and they used oatmilk and i didnt know cause like i didnt ask for it but it had like a weird cinnamon taste #and i had my friend taste it who figured it out and it was whatever cause like i was trying figure out why it had a cereal oatmeal quality #before i figured it out #and like it was fine i drank it had my coffee but it worried me for just a second later cause like it was prolly an accident #but like i have food allergies and it was like damn what would have happened if like hazelnut syrup accidentally got used #and this is a flaw of mine but i go out virtually unprepared if i was to accidentally get something im allergic to #cause theyre easy things for me to avoid and im good abt being like nah if im not sure abt something or like asking #but i realized out of most places coffee is prolly an easier one for that to happen at and it was like oh damn #anyways sorry 2 be dramatic but i am #i just want like 2-3 days rot alone in bed but its summer break which means my mom is home and thats not happening #i also have a few new sudden bruises one that is very dark and like im a simple man somwthing happens and i google why #and fucking google is like lukemia and i know its not but like dont make me anxious but then its like vitamin defeciences #and i have like a few other lik things that ate annoying me that could also be from vitamin defiences and if they are like???? #i just got a b12 shot not long ago and they usually make me feel pretty better for a few weeks and this one felt like it did nothing #am i that defiecent? how do i get to not be like is this a problem? can it become one? #and ive been waking up feeling overheated 2 a bloody nose which is odd cause the temp never changes im usually always a lil cold #and the blanket i use is super thin and its only been recently despite me changing nothing #my feet also hurt bad and i still havrnt gotten that referal for a physical therapist which like im not excited to go to at all but also #like damn my feet hurt and my ankle hurts and i swear im on the verge of rolling my ankle at an given moment like almost all the time #and ive broken both of them can they get some slack #and ive ruined my sleep schedual #and i want to scream cause im feeling all mixed up

[lesbians-all-the-way-down]

My life won't be complete until I name the other lead in the historical fiction I've decided I'm going to write.

#but I've decided that the reason Jo and the other one get to stay together after the war without question #is because they always just claim they understand each other in ways no one else could. #it makes me kind of sad that they cant have kids so i might give Josie a husband that dies in the war #that when one wakes up screaming the other knows exactly why and is the only one who does. #because they were together through the whole war. they saw the same things. #i might also give one a husband? it wouldn't be Josie. #he would die. that would be part of the excuse too. #“well why don't you nice women marry soldiers? they know the horrors too #“she did. her husband died capturing Passchendaele and you want her to just replace him? #she is a mourning widow. And i am just a friend who understands. #i might give them both husbands. but it depends. #(Josie gives off agreement vibes. like they're both gay and in love with someone so they act as beards) #(whereas the other one gives off “im pretending I like men so he can be happy and i can be accepted” vibes) #but anyway i might give Josie a husband that dies in the war. and then the other one's husband would live through it and they'd stay married #but he would kill himself (within the year probably) as so many soldiers did. and she would be pregnant. #so that they could have a kid. because i think they deserve a kid. #god josie wouldn't know she wants kids but shed be such a good mom if it came down to it #but wait #ww2 if they wanted to sign up for it one of them would have to stay with their kid #I'd think Josie would be the one to go back and serve again. shes suited for it. she was in charge. #but she was wounded. bad i think. possibly just a leg injury but I'd love to go abdominal. #so she was probably honourably discharged. she can't go back. it would have to be the other one. #I don't think my heart could kill off either of them but especially not the other one if it would leave Josie and their kid all alone #james is rambling again #ocs #rambling #thoughts #writer #writing #original character

[carrotpiss]

This is a bunch of sad lost and confused and frustrated and lonely sludge, advise not reading

#im just so completely miserable and exhausted and just angry with everything #gic has gone silent. im getting so stressed about the ethics of my top surgery fund because i dont know if its something i should be still #doing how long until they talk to me again if they do will the waitlists even be livable is it ethical is it worth it does anyone even have #the money to spare anyway to help before the endless nhs waitlist #why am i being left in the dark #im terrified that i dont know when my pap smear will be and that i have to go under anesthetic for it because i fucked up my own body by #being a pathetic cowardly idiot who is to stupid to exist like im supposed to so now im worth nothing and i cant navigate dating bc of it #bc it just makes me shut down immediately when i realise its something i do have to disclose because im shitty and broken and worthless #and i dont know whats happening and i dont want the smear anymore and the nhs sent me a terrifying letter saying im not a real person and i #predictabley got to scared to reply to so now i may have fucked up literally everything which is my fault but also why does the ngs not just #have a system that works and isnt briken just because im trans #and i jsut want to die i cant die but im jsut scared and i want to hide forver #i dont know whats happening with my job am i still getting paid will i get the November cost of living backpay will i get my pension refund #i jjst feel lost and pathetic and desperately clawing out for any vague threads of interest for sex and dating even though im as previously #mentioned in these tags not fit for that and should just die forever in box alone and aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhj #I just want a hug for the next millennia #instead im kust fighting off thoughts about starving myself as punishment because i dont deserve to eat jm not worth the expense of my own #paycheck to buy food for not that it matters because im sick and getting sicker amyway and of course one of my moles is looking insanely #dodgey and ive had to book a doctor's appointment for it but its so tempting to kust ignofe it surely itd be better if it was cancer and #then j could just die amd people wouldnt blame me for being pathetic or whatever removing myself but sad and tragic for dying from something #scary or whatever the fuck im fully aware thats a fucked up thibg to be thinking im just a bit at amessy ends atm and j dont even have a #hot chubby dude or not dude to pretend is ever going yo be interested in me or whatever and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #dw to anyone reading this in the event someone is i wont remove myself im a huge coward and too lazy to do that #crouch speaks #and its only November! we still got winter to come!!!!! my favourite (sarcastic) time of the year that doesnt absolutely fuck with my head

[mxdotpng]

thinking about a game swap. for zesteria/berseria

#.text #zestiria #actually been thinking about it for dayssaa #sorey who lives alone in a small town near pendrago. maybe his brother is sergei? theyre like brothers to me already #anyways then theres his boy best friend mikleo (human) (because hes in place of laphicet) who lives with his uncle michael #after his mom died (im sure you can see where this is going). sorey is sick at the time so he doesnt hear it coming #bc im NOT immune to Chronic Illness Sorey. consequences of being born early. he is sick all the time forever #anyway. one night heldalf's men invade. im sure you know the story. people die or turn into daemons or they turn into daemons #and then die. and while sorey is running (he thinks hes dreaming. or hallucinating. its just the fever and everything is fine) and #looking for mikleo. im sure you can guess what happens there too. bye (human) mikleo #idea came to me in a haze when i was thinking about how totally normal it would be for a guy to love a person who looks exactly #like his dead best friend. you know how it is. #anyway i think sorey is someone who could be fun if put in the role as 'villain' bc. well. that part in zestiria where he #dealt with the world calling him a monster and he just. didnt think about it bc if thats what they wanted him to be or if thats #what they saw him as it didnt matter. he'd still do what he thought was best. regardless of whether or not the world hated him #which. is also kind of similar to what laphicet said to velvet #sad they dropped that in zestiria but its fine i can fix it. with my funny game swap #and i can put these bad boys into Situations

[rosicheeks]

hi rosi! well, i was the anon from yesterday or whenever about the fantasy about being with you and read all your tags so like...i guess i'll be an emoji anon! i'll decide by the end of the ask which ill use i guess lmao. how was your day? i kinda wanted to ask like, so i guess you just go in your car and hangout at parking lots or whatever a decent amount, is that just to get some alone time? i forget what your current living situation is. also like what do you do for fun?! i know your a lil weed girly and you do your art (which i love btw, i want to try and buy a piece next time i get some kind of spare money) but is there anything else you like to do? i hope you had a good day whenever you get around to answering this<3 (btw i wanna smooch you i am telepathically kissing you right now) - 🎤

Hi hi hi!! Welcome 🎤 🫶💖

My day was pretty good! How was yours lovely? 🥰

Hmmm why I chill in my car is kinda complicated tbh. But I guess the main reason is so I can smoke and just kinda relax and enjoy myself ya know?

Yes yes yes I am a lil weed girly 🥰😇 and I do love my art (any sort - painting, photography, coloring 💖, scrapbooking, trying to get back into drawing)

I’m also a huge music nerd! I went to a performing arts high school and trained in vocal music. Learned a bunch of music theory and did a buuuunch of voice lessons. My goal was to be an opera singer but life had other plans.

Other than that I’m kinda boring. Just like chilling and watching shows (occasionally movies but I’m a sleepy baby so I usually fall asleep pretty fast).

#ok ok ok let’s get a lil more detailed shall we 😇 #I usually reply only in the tags but I KNEW I was going to run our way too fast so I needed to say the basics up there (which felt weird 😂) #I had a pretty good day so far ngl! I was there for moral support for my friend (ended up taking forever but everything turned out good) #now I’m just chilling in my car for the night 🥰 #as for why I spend so much time in my car - at the beginning of the year I had to move back with my parents #pls don’t get me wrong ​I’m super grateful to have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in… its just not the most comfortable place #the main problem I have is not being able to smoke anymore (I used to be able to smoke inside at my last place so it’s just an adjustment) #I was hoping to be able to smoke out on the deck downstairs but my dad didn’t like that either #so I just chill in my car and smoke in here and watch and color and paint #I mean another reason is I’m a night owl and my dad sleeps in the living room (due to health problems) and I don’t wanna wake him #I guess long story short is I’m more comfy in my car than in my room which is sad but true #not to mention I live in the basement and there’s so many spiders ☹️ if you didn’t know this about me - I’m terrified of spiders!!!!!!!! #thank you so much for the compliment on my art 🥺🥺🥺🥺 I wish I could give you a big hug!! #absolutely no rush trust me I understand not having the cash for extra things (also by the time you’re ready maybe I’ll have more available) #but yeah like I said other than weed (which can be paired with anything tbh 😂) and art - music is my other love #i sing all the time (especially when im alone haha) and one of my fav things to do is watch mouthdropping talented performers #usually they’re broadway based but they can be all types of genres…. I just usually lean towards the ballads #the songs that have lyrics that hit your heart and music that warms your soul - the ones that make me sob uncontrollably 😂 #I have a feeling I’m running out of space sooooo enough about me!! how are you?! how was your day?? tell me more about you?! #I noticed you picked the 🎤 …. do you sing??? or did you just randomly pick it? #omg!! I felt your kiss 😳 I’m telepathically sending you kissies right back to you 🥺🥺🥺 #thank you for the ask 🥰🥰 #I’m shocked I still have room???? like you’re telling me this isn’t 30 tags? ok sounds good #I’m super proud of myself tho #usually I run out of room SO fast and then I get sad cause I either have to redo it or not say everything I wanted to #anyway I hope you have such a wonderful day/night 🥰😘😘 #ask #🎤 anon

[seuonji]

彡 things they left with you before leaving for tour.

notes ๑ gift giving! headcanons. reader and svt member does not live together!

genre ๑ fluff

warnings ๑ none

word count ๑ 1k

from aya: please reblog if you enjoyed! feedback is always appreciated<3

seungcheol left you the key to his home.

you’re free to go there whenever you want but he mainly gave it so that you have access to his closet!! it’s also to allow you to see kkuma.

whenever you’re there you always send him a selfie to show how the house is doing. he especially loves the photos that contains you and kkuma on his bed.

yn: [photo attachment]

yn: i changed kkuma’s hairpin today, doesn’t she look cute?

cheol: you both look adorable♡

+

jeonghan left you tons of his oversized shirts.

tons as in it could probably last you until he comes back. but he leaves the ones that hold some type of meaning.

he’d totally give you a whole presentation while unpacking the clothes on why he’s giving it to you.

he left you the shirt that he wore on your first date. he left you another shirt that you complimented. another one he left was one that you described as, ‘looks very comfortable.’ another was in your favourite colour while another was in your least favourite colour,, he asked you to send him photos of you specifically in that one.

he gave them with the intention that though he’s not there, you won’t feel alone at night.

he loves it when he calls and sees you wearing them!

+

joshua left you countless of letters he wrote.

just in case he’s not on his phone enough, to keep his presence with you, he wrote different letters. one for you to read when you’re sad, one for when you felt doubtful, another for when you felt scared.

he wrote letters for any feeling you may feel while he’s gone whether it was sorrow, anger or joy.

one day you were missing him, a lot. so you opened the letter that had ‘read when you feel alone.’ written on it.

‘yn, you’re feeling alone? cause im not there, right( ˊ̱uˋ̱ )?‘ he joked with you even through writing. ‘i know it’s a long wait but i’ll be back soon and we’ll be in bed watching movies together. i’m always thinking about you. i may not be one call away because…what if i’m on stage? but you’re still my number one priority, i hope you know that.’

it’s just long texts of reassurance that he loves you and suggestions of things you can do while you wait for him and honestly, as you read the letters, the more it felt like he was actually there.

+

jun left you a polaroid.

he aswell provided the films but the films were the same amount as the number of days he’d be gone.

he asked you take a picture of something everyday whether it was the scenery or something you were doing. you could either label them or keep it in a photo card binder. he wants you to talk about it with him when he comes back.

total plus if you like journaling/photography!!

+

soonyoung left you a heart locket necklace.

it had funny pictures of you and him on one side and the other side had a picture of you two cuddling.

he has a matching one of course! his one has so many scratches because of how much he kept opening it.

notably, he left you a cute tiger plush that was almost your size.

“think of him as if he’s me.”

“that’s weird youngie…”

idk why but initially i imagined he’d leave you a body pillow with him printed on it.

+

wonwoo left you his console so that you can help him keep up with his games. just kidding.

if you like reading, he definitely leaves you some books he’s collected over the years. he’d even buy books that are of your taste if his isn’t your style. he gave it so that you’d have something to preoccupy your time.

if you aren’t too into reading, he left you things that supports the hobbies you do. if you like art, he buys you paint, if you like knitting he’d buy you yarn. he finds joy in your passion.

+

jihoon left you a usb filled with movies and shows on it. he even provided snacks!

he loved hearing your opinions about shows/movies he liked. since you two were going to be apart, he thought you’d have more time to watch them.

when you did watch the said movie/show, he’d instantly call and listen to your opinions intently. he might end up falling for you all over again! but also it could end up in an endless banter—

“what did you think of that character?“ he asked excitedly but there was a touch of tiredness in his voice.

“they were okay,” you casually answered.

“just okay!?” suddenly the tiredness was gone.

“i said what i said!”

+

seokmin left you a jar filled with origami hearts, cranes, airplanes, stars and even some of your favourite animals.

as you unfold them, there’s small messages written in them. it had messages of affirmations to song/food/movie recommendations.

he looks forward to your response to the letter you opened that day.

“the one i opened today was a good one,” you said smiling.

“really, what’s wrong with the other ones? why aren’t they as good?” he asked in a whining tone.

“the one i opened yesterday said ‘listen to aju nice by seventeen.’” you recalled monotonously.

“what’s wrong with that?”

“anyways the one i opened today said to ‘eat pizza while thinking about me.’” you brushed off the previous topic.

“ah, that’s a good one, even i’m jealous.”

“you wrote it?”

“still, why would you have pizza without me…”

also, he made tons of it lasted even until he came back.

+

mingyu left you a cookbook of things he usually cooks for you.

the first few pages were your favourite meals hes cooked for you. they’re key parts are highlighted in your favourite colours and he even places in affirmations in free spaces. the middle pages are random meals you don’t necessarily like but,, he needed to fill in the pages. the last few pages are your favourite deserts!

+

minghao left you the experience of having permanent bracelets with someone.

he brought you to the store and you got a bracelet in his in his favourite colour as he got one with yours. you both spent hours just admiring the way it shined and he couldn’t stop taking pictures of it.

“now, no matter the distance, you’ll still have a piece of me that’s always with you,” he said.

+

seungkwan left you a self care pack.

there was skincare products, your favourite snacks and cds of your favourite films. they were each labelled with tags of why he gave those specific items.

‘you’ve always liked these, enjoy them.’ labelled on the snacks.

‘please use this, take care of your skin okay?’ labelled on the skincare.

‘don’t get too bored just cause im not there.” labelled on the cds

it’s as if he was taking care of you without because there.

+

vernon left you a pet fish (?)

questionable but at least you’re not completely alone. also he got consent before he bought it so, it was okay. but he also left you some of his jackets and beanies but if it was summer he’d leave you baseball caps. yknow, the sensible gifts.

it’s the thought that counts!

whenever he gets the time he’d call you to check on the fish.

and you as well, of course.

+

chan left you a box full of snacks.

he’s bringing the same snacks with him in his bag. he plans to call you every night so you two can talk about your day while eating the same snacks so that it seems like you two are together.

#🐚☆ #📢aya wrote! #caratsland #seventeen fluff #seventeen #seventeen x reader #seventeen headcanons #svt #svt imagines #svt x reader #svt headcanons #svt fluff #seungcheol x reader #scoups x reader #jeonghan x reader #joshua x reader #jun x reader #soonyoung x reader #hoshi x reader #wonwoo x reader #seokmin x reader #dokyeom x reader #mingyu x reader #the8 x reader #minghao x reader #seungkwan x reader #vernon x reader #lee chan x reader #jeonghan fluff #mingyu fluff