#also like....if we're being absolutely real

[vivelegalite]

dear dead boy detective (especially paynland) enjoyers: have you yet heard of the biggest gift bestowed upon the fandom so far, aka jayden's charles playlist? the one he mentioned in interviews? well, he dropped it on twitter at 19th of may. and man, do i have stuff to say about it.

there's a lot of 80's bangers, for sure, great to get into the mood and character, but some of the choices...

i'm gonna focus on a few of my favourites, songs that made me go insane when i saw them. honorable mentions: - category 1 (so devoted the lines blur): ain't no mountain high enough by marvin gaye and tammi terrell, there is a light that never goes out by the smiths, inkpot gods by the amazing devil - category 2 (family life): family line and summer child by conan gray, seventeen going under by sam fender, matilda by harry styles, father by the front bottoms - category 3 (being queer in the 80s): smalltown boy by bronski beat, boys don't cry by the cure - category 4 (there's no heterosexual explanation for this one): good luck, babe! by chappel roan, yellow by coldplay, fight or flight by conan gray (is this about monty? the cat king? i need answers!), the prophecy by taylor swift, arms tonite by mother mother, sweet by cigarettes after sex, head over heels by tears for fears

this list is by no means complete or comprehensive!

and now, the songs that made me go the craziest: (they're predominantly in charles' pov as it's his playlist)

found heaven by conan gray

the only reason this song made it into the list and not the honorable mentions instead of smalltown boy is that it makes almost the same point, just so much more explicitly. i don't think i have to say much about it, it's a story of a young person griping with their queerness, being forced to leave home, a common theme of the playlist. "you're in love, you found heaven" when he chose edwin over his own afterlife, heavily implied to be heaven, and built his heaven with him on the mortal plane? ouch! (and we see this same notion repeated in another bop from the playlist, heaven is a place on earth by belinda carlisle).

2. like real people do by hozier

"i miss kissing" charles rowland, 202X romantic meaning aside, the verses show a sort of a common understanding the boys have around the manner of their deaths and their lives before it. we already know from the show they don't really talk about it, with edwin not knowing about the severity of the abuse charles suffered. it feels like one of them saying "let the past be past, we're together now, yeah?". but also, jayden: can there ever be a platonic explanation for this? ghosts can't touch, can't feel, so they wish they could just kiss like "real" (alive?) people do?

3. flaws by bastille

not the most romantic song, but i absolutely love how well it fits their dynamic. despite his edwardian brand of repression, edwin truly is the one that's more open about his feelings (recognising of course that in this case, the bar is so low it's in hell. haha, get it). edwin has worn his flaws upon his sleeve, and charles has held them buried - eg. bottling up all of his anger and resentment towards his family and his own death. the song presents a very sweet outlook, in which their flaws are brought up to the surface (for example, charles' outburst against the night nurse in episode 4), but they learn to accept them as they are, an extension of themselves.

4. a pearl by mitski

you know it's gonna get intense if there's a mitski song in the mix.

the song is about a person who finds love in their partner, someone who treats them way better than they've ever been treated - and yet they cannot bring themselves to reciprocate the affection ("it's not that i don't want you, sorry i can't take your touch") despite reciprocating the feelings themselves because of the trauma. charles is known to bottle things up ("you're growing tired of me and all the things i don't talk about"). the person in the song recognises the love the other person holds for them ("you love me so hard and i still can't sleep"), which reminds me of charles' response to edwin's confession. not a "no", but a "maybe, as time passes".

5. fair by the amazing devil

this one made me genuinely gasp when i first delved into the lyrics. it's simply so sweet, such a genuine and domestic portrayal of love. at first i thought it was way too open about being a love song (normal text instead of the subtext i'd be used to) for jayden to choose it with edwin in mind, but... there's no one else it can really be about. it's far too domestic, too "established" to refer to crystal. refers to a relationship that's laster for a longer while.

the narrator in the first verse is a person deeply in love with the other person, someone who loves to make his lover laugh and simply drinks in their presence. the "he" in the song i believe is charles, while the "she" refers to edwin. edwin promises to fight off anyone - or any feelings pulling charles down (we can see this in the first episode: "you ever think... what if death did catch us? she'd force us to go to the afterlife and split up" "i will make sure this never happens."). charles feels left behind by the world (seeing as he clings to crystal at first, refering to her as "someone their age who's still alive") and believes edwin to be so much stronger than he's ever been. i'm not going to break down the song verse by verse, but if you read it yourself while subbing out "he" for charles and "she" for edwin you'll see just how sweet (and... strangely very in character?) the song is.

6. work song by hozier

if the previous song made me gasp when i saw the lyrics, this one made me go "NO WAY" out loud when i saw the title. the first one verse is just pure toothrotting sweetness, but the chorus is what i want to draw attention to:

when my time comes around lay me gently in the cold, dark earth no grave can hold my body down i'll crawl home to her

HELLO? charles, who keeps escaping death and afterlife to be able to stay with edwin? charles, as he literally takes his last breath with edwin right there, choosing to be by his side rather than move on? charles, who keeps choosing him despite night nurse's promises and threats? charles, who literally crawled through hell for him?

verse 2, to me, can be interpreted as referring to when charles died. edwin found him at his worst, and he "woke" up with his presence comforting him. he was shivering due to hypothermia and his injuries. edwin didn't ask him about what happened or pushed him, he simply listened. the lines "i didn't care much how long i lived, but I swear, i thought i dreamed her" are pretty self explanatory.

in verse 3 we still see the same attitude of "damn the afterlife, at least we have each other" as charles portrays througout the series. they're free, and heaven and hell are simply words to him.

7. orpheus by vincent lima

i literally have no words for this one. it fits too well. if you want commentary for this one, just... i don't know, rewatch the staircase scene.

8. francesca by hozier

(cracks knuckles) this is the big one. the album francesca is from, unreal unearth, is based on dante alighieri's divine comedy, a fourteenth century poem about a man venturing into hell, purgatory and eventually heaven. the eponymous francesca is one francesca di rimini, a woman who was politically married off to a man older than her, called giovanni malatesta. francesca didn't love him, and eventually fell deep in love with giovanni's younger brother, paolo. the two carried on with the affair for years, before being murdered by giovanni upon his finding out. francesca and paolo are mentioned in canto v of the first book, inferno, as two souls damned in the second circle of hell, lust. their punishment is to be permanently locked in a hurricane, swept away by the winds the moment they manage to get close enough to touch one another.

as opposed to their portrayal in the poem, the song is from the perspective of paolo, explaining that no matter the punishment, he wouldn't change anything about his life because he got to know, and love, francesca.

the first verse brings to mind the scenes in hell, especially on the staircase ("do you think I'd give up? that this might've shook the love from me? or that I was on the brink? how could you think, darlin', i'd scare so easily?" as an echo of charles' "sorry. no version of this where i didn't come get you"). "my life was a storm since i was born, how could i fear any hurricane?" could relate to charles' tumultuous family life, an assurance that nothing he has to deal with while by edwin's side will faze him given the things he's lived through. no, despite everything he's suffered through, charles wouldn't do anything differently - because his (admittedly shitty) life led him to edwin ("i'd tell them, put me back in"). we already know charles would choose him over heaven, willingly sacrificing his own afterlife to stay with a boy he's known for hours, someone kind enough to keep him company as he drew his final breath. all of it - his father's abuse, his schoolmates' bigotry, the pain of his own death, as well as everything he's gone through since - he'd do it all again, for edwin.

"for all that was said of where we'd end up at the end of it" could be taken as an allusion to the fate the boys would meet at "at the end of it", when they're finally caught by death and separated, or as more of a general "if you sin, you will go to hell when you die" (up to you to decide what the sin itself would be - an interpretation that would work with other songs on the playlist is that one such sin would be same sex attraction). then their hearts ceased, they never knew "peace", nor did they want to find it in death. their deaths were too soon, them being ripped away from life, but even though it would break his heart: charles would ask to do it all again.

the outro, i think, beautifully pulls it all together: heaven is not fit to house a love like theirs.

to wrap it all up:

jayden, what were you cooking in there? what do you know??

#please interact w me please please please i need dbd moots <3 #dbda #dead boy detectives #dead boy detective agency #paynland #payneland #painland #paineland #chedwin #charles rowland #edwin paine #edwin payne #dead boy detectives agency #dead boy detectives analysis #aough jayden your mind #my art #<- my umbrella trashcan tag

[oldshrewsburyian]

hello! so i just found out about you (better believe i'm going to be reading those cannon law recs) and i need you to answer/reply this for me in a way that doesn't sound absolutely stupid because all i came up with was "awoiaf is fetishised to hell and back with way too much institutionalised pedophilia even for medieval times"

in respect to me posting that "" i think GRRM write way too much child bride/rape/miscarriages etc than i thought was reality""

for context, this is regarding aemma arryn, a character who in book cannon has miscarriages since she's like 12/13.

feel free to disregard, thanks!

Hello! I feel like the Hostiensis of the ASOIAF universe and I'm into it, honestly. FWIW, I don't read ASOIAF/GRRM as fetishizing child marriage, but I do think that we are supposed to read the marriages of adolescent girls/young women as part of "the dark and middle ages" (tm) as imagined.

I also think (this is part of the answer, I promise) that it is a real problem that the world of ASOIAF does not have (as far as I can tell?) a legal age of majority. This is another reason we need Fantasy Canon Law, George!! I was particularly struck by this in the case of Sansa. Her adoring parents are perfectly ready to have her betrothed to a boy of approximately her own age before she hits puberty. Sansa is also not upset about contemplating marriage at this age, as a noblewoman. The women at court treat menarche as socially/legally/medically equivalent to adulthood for her. When she does eventually get married, getting married to Tyrion, who is 10+ years older than she is and also kind, intelligent, and sexually patient/experienced is clearly a much better option than the 14-year-old psychopath. This is super-legal, also. But also also, once she's out of the dress that is clearly designed for a grown woman (which she technically is! right? right George??) her husband is frankly alarmed by her youth. Make up your mind, George! Make up your mind! Is Sansa legible in court society as a woman or a girl? Clearly it is the former at least most of the time? This really, really matters, I think, to assessing the experiences and attitudes of the characters, and yet we're never given a coherent in-world answer about it (at least, not as of the first three books. Yes, I am actively mad about this.)

ANYWAY. The average age for marriage in medieval Europe was slightly higher than that in the southern United States, where I currently teach. Yes, I looked this up for the sake of comparison to make my students' jaws drop. So there's no such thing as "institutionalized pedophilia." For approximately 1% of the population, it was often desirable to have the scions of royalty/upper nobility legally married off before consummation was possible/desirable. So, for this tiny percentage of the population, again, it was not uncommon to have marriages that were unconsummated, or consummated one (1) time for legal reasons (another reason we need Fantasy Canon Law™ if this is going to matter in ASOIAF), between teenagers. One example of this would be the arranged but very loving marriage between Elizabeth of Hungary and Ludwig of Thüringen; she had lived in his parents' household from early childhood onwards, as part of their betrothal. The legal age for consent to marriage was 12 for girls and 14 for boys, and yes, that's super young by our standards, but it's also something that was only very gradually raised (the legal age for girls was raised to 16 in late Victorian England, for example,) and again, had very little effect on most people's lives in the European Middle Ages, except insofar as any marriage made without the full and free consent of both parties was invalid under canon law (the real kind.)

As the exceptional case of Margaret Beaufort makes clear, this was rare in part because of the recognized medical risks of early pregnancy and childbirth. Picking one (1) infamous case of traumatic adolescent pregnancy as a prototype ≠ being "incredibly well-read", wtf. (I know that's not your view.) I know I've done this before, but I'm going to cite a saint's life, since such stories were used to communicate moral values and reflected (to a degree, albeit shaped by narrative tropes) social realities. So. This one is from Italy, shortly after the moment when Real Canon Law codified that underage marriage was illegal. The person in need of help in this story (which you can find here) is an adolescent girl who had been married and whose marriage had been consummated. The author uses circumlocutions for this, but he is clearly both shocked and disapproving of what, implicitly, amounted to marital rape or at least irresponsible conduct. But as a result of this -- and possibly a miscarriage -- the young woman in the story was suffering medical complications, and came to a doctor who, because of the tropes of the story, referred her to a saint who was also a young woman. I love that: the implication that St. Trophimema, who had died as a victim of male violence, was posthumously helping other girls in similar situations, with the help of the nuns who managed her shrine. Anyway! the girl was healed, and may also have joined the community of women (that's unclear too; the point of the story is the healing.) This got long again, but it's another Real Medieval Example of how both legal and social realities were complicated, and how some men being abusive assholes (technical historian term) did not mean that their behavior was normative or normalized.

#fantasy canon law™ #a medievalist does got #asoiaf #grrm critical #bad medievalism bingo #i will answer to fantasy hostiensis thank you

[hey-august]

Oh my god I NEED carnie buggy so bad oh my lordddddd.

Buggy running the balloon darts, offering an even better “prize” if you can win

Getting hit with the dart and making a big show out of it just to be like jk and pull it out fine

Buggy being an asshole in the dunk tank

Buggy in charge of the kids face paint station “you want a sun? That sucks you’re getting a skull”

Even better buggy and his freaks putting on a yearly carnival, everyone getting assigned their own stands

Buggy’s floating hands stealing fry’s and cotton candy from people who aren’t looking

Buggy whose gone from shitty town to shitty town, local dive bar to local dive bar, trying to find some place he belongs but he feels most at home with the other “freaks”

I have SO many thought, like I could write a 12 page essay

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Buggy would be the ride operator that's kinda skeezy but also cute enough that you're willing to overlook the weird vibes.

A carnival would be perfect for him to be such a charmer, schmoozing people while picking their pockets.

Everything is exorbitantly overpriced, but the vibrant and colorful atmosphere lures people in, until they're so overwhelmed that they're shelling out all the money they have on hand.

Pictures with a real lion? Hell yeah.

A magician show where a clown is cut in half? Of course!

Foot long hot dogs? Cotton candy as large as your head? Ice cold beer? Wine slushies? All that, and more!

ALSO, ANON, this is absolutely relevant to an idea I threw in my WIP doc over the weekend...

Shanks - kissing booth. Buggy - dunk tank. Crocodile - ticket booth or prize booth. Mihawk….Balloon darts? Bottle up?

Who knows what kind of trouble you could get into at a carnival like that 🤭

Just the idea, but hear me out... A Cross Guild (+ Shanks) carnival.

We're on the same wavelength with Buggy in the dunk tank. 🥰

#buggy headcanon #buggy op #opla buggy #one piece buggy #buggy the clown

[emiliosandozsequence]

i need to be seeing my therapist three times a week if i'm going to be perfectly honest, but i don't have the energy or the money to see her every week let alone multiple times in one week

#i hardly have the energy to see her as often as i do #the only reason i manage it is bc i see her over zoom #emilio.txt #also like....if we're being absolutely real #i need to be in a treatment center for people with severe trauma #but lmao that costs way more money than i'll ever be able to afford unless i get rich somehow

[egophiliac]

innocently logging in to look at the Twst schedule for May like

#art #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland spoilers #twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers #twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers #twisted wonderland episode 7 part 8 spoilers #twisted wonderland book 7 part 8 spoilers #tsumsted wonderland #i-is that enough spoiler tags #anyway twst just absolutely obliterating me with the schedule again #i saw the story completion campaign ended in june and was like 'oh okay that'll be when we get the next part' NOPE HA HA #oh my god rook. oh my god savana rook is real. #w...why is this a story card. hey twst wHY IS THIS A STORY CARD -- #is rook dreaming of still being a rowdy boy or #and why is he...(squints) why is he in a pomefiore bedroom #never mind i'm actually terrified of this card now #god. the STETSON. i'm crying. #he really is just applejack huh #also vil i don't know what your problem was this man's mane is LUSCIOUS #and what's this? it's twst following up that first punch with the right hook of EVEN MORE of the best and silliest event #malleus is going to be in the middle of an angsty flashback while dangling us over a pit of spikes or something #and then we're going to cut directly to him having a charming little tea party with a small plush version of himself #oh twst your sense of pacing remains exquisitely incomprehensible #(no i love this though)

[thefirstknife]

can we please. go one (1) week without the PVP obsessed people going off about how PVP is the only thing that matters in the game. im so very tired. "PVE people are probably about to find out that PVE can't carry the game because PVP is ruined and we're all gonna quit and play better games" please just can they shut up and go already instead of threatening us with a good time they never follow through on??

I saw that stuff as well, I know exactly what you're talking about. It's incredibly disingenuous and deliberately incendiary to cause more people to bitch about the game being doomed or whatever.

They are constantly using "steam numbers" to show that this is the lowest population count that Destiny 2 ever had and how that's proof that the game is being ruined and dying, that pvp bros and content creators are more important than we think they are, that Bungie needs to make Destiny 3 (yes, that is unironically stuff that people are saying) and other really incredibly tiring things.

Not to mention the vitriol towards the devs. Every time they bitch, more and more people show up in the comments saying awful shit about devs and how they are lazy, they don't work, they don't care, they are bad at development and so on. This is what eventually fuels harassment.

These "steam numbers" are disingenuous because they are taken out of context and they strip all other external reasons from the "low player count."

Is there a low player count? Yes! That is correct. Even when we account for console players, it's still low.

This is nothing new. This is a constant trend. Last month of the season ALWAYS has low numbers. People finished their story and their pinnacle grind and their seals and are doing other things.

More under for length:

Is this the lowest it's been so far? It seems to be, though the final month on steam charts isn't over so we can't fully tell yet, but it seems to be one of the lowest. However, there's been similar numbers before during seasonal end. It's quite literally nothing new. We go through this every season, except this season it's slightly lower than usual.

Why is that? Well, the chart Aztecross put to prove there's not many people playing happened on a Monday before the final Tuesday reset of the final week of the season. Yeah bro, very few people have things left to do in the season. They're not bothering. Unlike you, other people have other hobbies and games to play. I haven't played in days, I only got on on Saturday to finish my King's Fall seal and that took 10 minutes. This is what I mean by "disingenuous." It's a cheap bait tactic. Find the lowest number and ship it for cheap outrage engagement.

Others are constantly also posting the cummulative steam chart for every month of Destiny since the game came to steam and they're pointing out that we have lowest numbers now. Which is, again, posted for cheap outrage. They look at the number and see it's low and their conclusion is "game is dying." They don't care about the trend (every season end is "dying"), they don't care about external reasons (other game releases), they don't care about overall how some seasons are just weaker and have less interest (not the first time), they don't care about anything.

They just want people to be mad enough to harass the devs. Because like, what do they think is going to happen when they spend 2 months blogging to hundreds of thousands of people about the game being ruined by evil devs who don't do their job? When they constantly talk about how everything in the game is bad, pvp is bad, pve is boring and easy, story is bad, seasons are bad, events made for fun are bad, small community event is bad. What's going to happen is thousands of people are going to harass the devs. That's what going to happen.

I took the "steam numbers" chart that people are throwing around and I went into it in-depth to explain what the numbers mean and add context to them. You can see it here. It's a big image but you can zoom in and explore. It makes more sense when you see it separated by seasons; you can CLEARLY see the main trend of "low population at season end."

Another thing to consider with these numbers is the scheduling pattern. Shadowkeep released in October, Beyond Light released in November after a delay. October-November are usually months with a lot of other game releases and holidays. In 2019 and 2020, Bungie had an expansion themselves to cover that time. In 2021, there was no expansion in Oct-Nov; and that was the last time the game had the lowest population record ever. WHAT A SURPRISE. In this period, if Destiny doesn't have an expansion, people move on to play other games!!!! WOW! We have the technology to decipher the low numbers!

It's important to also note that back in 2021, that was the first time a game was delayed properly and significantly, so the year was without an expansion and there was a lull in Oct-Nov period. However, at that time, it was the first time this schedule happened and people generally didn't know how will it go. We were also kept in the dark about the seasonal story end (the infamous When Is Exorcism incident) so people had to keep coming back. Now, we're in the same situation; no new expansion in Oct-Nov, seasonal lull, nothing is happening. However, now, we know how this goes. People know how this schedule works AND we're not dealing with an extended season. We know when this season ends and there's nothing to wait for. People are more comfortable taking a break. So there's less people in Oct-Nov 2022 than there were in the previous lowest point, Oct-Nov 2021. It's almost as if there are reasons for this that go beyond "game is obviously dying."

These people also seem to be incapable of understanding that some players just... stop playing. For no specific reason. The game isn't dying, some people just lose interest. Content creators are especially guilty of this, because THEY can't stop playing, because they tied their income to a single live service game. To them, quitting the game is losing a job. Curious, maybe that influences their views about the game and about burnout and taking breaks and the quality of the content?

They simultaneously want Bungie to drop FOMO and reduce burnout, but they ALSO want for there to never be "content droughts." Which one is it? Because these two things cannot both be gone. If you want less FOMO and less burnout, then there will be less content. If you want more content, then you have to get on that burnout grindset.

It's the end of the god damn season. Yeah, nothing is happening. Yeah, fewer people are playing. Players finished their grind in the Destiny mines and are doing other things before the new season drops. Stop catastrophising it for cheap outrage bait. You not being able to take a break and having to keep making new content even when the season is ending and there no new content is your problem. Not Bungie's, not the other players'.

Bungie is not going to force their devs to crunch 80 hours per week so you can have brand new content every Tuesday that no regular player can catch up with. As it currently is, I want MORE downtime. I want seasons to be 4 months and to have less time and more downtime to catch up with stuff. Imagine the outrage though. Genuinely, society if these people would actually deliver on their promise and leave. Someone else will take your place, bro.

Also, as a final note before a dissertation in the tags: these pvp mains are weak. They whine about only having 2 new maps in 2 years. Gambit got -2 new maps. Like, literally we had 6 maps and now we have 4. LMAO. Crucible has a total of 24 maps and 8+ modes, constant updates, Iron Banner rework, multiple Trials reworks, incoming competitive rework, Crucible labs, three different sets of armour, prestige weapon loot, three different seals, entire twabs dedicated just to it. And they whine about not enough attention for the Crucible?

It's getting more attention than any other core playlist. Their problem is that they're not the ones being catered to. An update doesn't count if it doesn't satisfy mister Crucible Main #37. Fuck everyone else I guess! They are the most entitled selfish childish little pricks I've ever seen. They do not deserve Bungie talking the players at all.

#destiny 2 #community #bungie #long post #ask #genuinely though. for the love of god. every 3 months the same horror #just take a break. I am begging #are there issues with the game? absolutely. this season had a lot of them especially with all the weird stuff with challenges and quests #quests that are too grindy and make no sense and requirements that go through the roof #and some content creators eventually ended up mocking players for wanting it changed. because they have infinite time to play and we dont #there are issues. always. i can write a post three times as long detailing stuff i would love to see addressed #but instead we have to explain the concept of other games existing to destiny youtubers #i would love to be able to get some good conversation going with bungie but alas #we're talking about a monday before the final week of the season having less people playing #no fucking shit. nobody is playing on the final monday at 11 am? wow. how peculiar /s #most are done and those that aren't done are waiting for the final week having double rep in all playlists #also like. i said in the image i posted but. do they think bungie doesn't know this? lmao. trust me their marketing department knows #the execs know about how many people are playing. you're not the first one to notice #i'm so tired of this being the topic instead of actual real issues that we can work on solving with meaningful feedback

[specialmouse]

lgbt people need to stop thinking in terms of black and white and by that i mean stop thinking our oppression as directly analogous to the oppression of black people by white people it's not the same !

#fuck dave chapelle hope he dies broke and alone . that being said. i think this line of thinking is the reason why black and other nonwhite #people associate transness specifically with whiteness #part of the reason why anyway. because when we're trying to make direct parallels between something that is not institutional and something #that has been for hundreds of years and is ingrained into basically every facet of culture (transphobia vs antiblackness tbc) #then youre going to have cis(het) black and nonwhite people be like oh these people have no idea what theyre talking about #it's real oppression but talk about it on its own terms... #this isn't to say the two can't intersect OFC THEY DO they do very hard and very violently #i think that we pull from black liberation politics and language in the west particularly in the usa because when we say civil rights that' #the struggle we think of . The Struggle. so we try to pull from that history and current battle. and while parallels absolutely can be #formed esp because so much of lgbt history and liberation in the west is propelled by the work of black and brown trans women.. #as white lgbts we need to be able to talk about our struggle in context with that without pulling unnecessary and unapplicable takeaways #from a distinct intersectional struggle that we don't face. does that make sense. #to be clear again the reason dave chapelle thinks transness is a white construct also has to do with just plain ole transmisogyny. i'm not #placing the blame entirely or even mostly on us here that would be ridiculous

[thethingything]

our current dilema is that the pain from our wisdom tooth keeps getting so bad we have to take pain meds (like it keeps hitting an 8/10 for several hours at a time. we can't not take pain meds) but the only pain meds that touch it have a warning on them saying not to take them for more than 3 days in a row, and we have at least another month of dealing with this, so I don't really know what to do.

the warning is because they're opioids and can cause addiction but I don't actually know how bad the risk is because everything seems to treat it like opioids are the worst thing ever and should be avoided at all costs and you'll get addicted if you so much as glance at them.

either way, my options are to either keep taking them and just accept that risk, or deal with being in so much pain I can't function. even with taking the pain meds I can tell we're a lot more irritable and short tempered and probably just insufferable to be around honestly and I hate the fact that pain causes this, but once again we've got to deal with this for over a month and we've also got to deal with the anxiety over what the treatment for it is going to actually involve.

I've had to deal with medical trauma stuff I didn't even know about until like yesterday when Lucy suggested it might be part of why I feel so shit, and I've had multiple panic attacks per day and constantly feel way more anxious than usual and I get the feeling we're just gonnaa have to put up with this for the next month and I don't know how the fuck I'm meant to cope with any of this

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #vent post #posts made on pain meds #there is absolutely nothing that gets rid of what essentially amounts to a constant sense of impending doom #like our brain has just fully decided we're fucked and going to die or some shit and now I have to deal with the anxiet from it doing that #and like I know logically we're gonna be fine and this is ridiculous #but I know we sometimes get a delusion where our brain just decides we're gonna die on a specific day or whatever #and I think that's flared up and combined with the severe medical anxiety #and since knowing a delusion isn't real doesn't do shit to stop you feeling like it's real #no amount of logic seems to be able to make our brain not freak out over this and make me have panic attacks because of it #we already had that delusion kind of going on in the background because something about this time of year seems to trigger it #and I guess having something planned that's incredibly triggering and causing that feeling a dread #probably just made our brain combine the two things #we also are definitely experiencing stress-induced psychosis just in general because I've been hallucinating so fucking much #actually I wonder if the fact that I've had to take pain meds so much might also be messing with our psychosis #I would like to maybe not have to deal with any of this #we were looking forward to just getting that one tooth removed and then resting and recovering and not having anything planned for a while #and instead we've got at least a month of dealing with this shit and I'm fucking exhausted #this year has basically just been me dealing with one unbelievably triggering thing after another because I have no other choice #like I keep being thrown into situations that involve triggers that I can't even think about without having panic attacks #there's a whole bunch of shit going on in our personal life and stuff just keeps piling up and we don't get a break from any of it

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#argentina saw trump and went ''yeah we want one of those!''... #this absolutely insane man might become president and fully ruin the country (more than it already is) #which is never fun but even worse when you're queer... #today i'm glad i'm living with dysphoria every day but haven't started T #because as sad and absolutely awful as what i'm about to say is... #i can pretend to be a cis woman for safety... #which is a HORRIBLE thing to say or do #but i don't have to put myself out there trying to get hrt or anything like that #or legally change my name and gender mark while looking like i look... that might get me killed or something #bare in mind everything i'm saying A. hasn't happened yet #and B. is being said by someone with an anxiety disorder who can't see hope right now... so take it with a grain of salt #i'm just scared and i don't like the state of the world right now... #and we were somewhat safe in some aspects here and we're so close to losing them now #i'm scared and hate it here but i'm also broke and can't leave so... #we are where we are where we are i guess #angel talks #personal #sorry for the politics... i'm not going to start posting politics #the point of my blog is to escape the hell that is the real world... but i needed to vent and also you know me i love screaming at the void

[note-boom]

Fanon: Mori is an irredeemably evil pedophile and traumatised Dazai

Canon: Mori is a utilitarian creep and traumatised Yosano and was slightly terrified of Dazai

#no hate to anyone who interprets mori like that #i just find it hilarious #like yeah mori killed odasaku but that's not the worst thing he's done nor the worst thing done in the manga #also....i know he shows seriously pedophilic tendencies that even fukuzawa calls him out on #and even he says things that are absolutely bonkers #but i kinda see it more as his little creepy obsession with using people as tools and kids being the easiest to manipulate..... #though i def acknowledge he's a real creep to little girls because that's also what the manga says #anyway i think he was fond of yosano and dazai...like one would be fond of a really useful tool ya know? #except one of those tools was showing signs of going for his throat and the other managed to find her humanity #anyway here's to our queen yosano for overcoming her trauma #though i will say i think we cant pin the blame on mori as a whole though he did play a major part in it #all these three characters are too nuanced for their own good #forget dazai i want to hear more about yosano...and yes even mori #it's just that there is CLEARLY so much going on bts like with tanizaki and higuchi etc.... #aaaaand I've gone off topic again xD #anyway this just in to say i find the interpretation of mori as a sadist who gave dazai trauma amuses me #and also to say that canonically a little 14 year year old with a prebuilt existential crisis scaring a grown man amuses me even more #teenagers such do scare the living - #and we're done now #bsd #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bsd musings #bsd dazai #bsd yosano #bsd mori #character analysis #spitting nonsense

[unproduciblesmackdown]

for real how epic that akd crushes this role for 6 seasons where they are acting it tf up and whenever they appear guaranteed Very Present when they contrast so much against the backdrop of the rest of the series' milieu in addition to having a usual intensity in demeanor and billions had to hold the role back to avoid eclipsing its supposed core parts but didn't just try to get rid of them about it and so we get all this energy already and the constant nonbinarity too. win

#winston billions #asia kate dillon #really showed up for a couple of actors just every instant giving utter performances #billions unable to contain them so we're shortchanged on behalf of these other roles that it very much can contain #and yet they also recognized like well this is gold so how about we absolutely never let them go #the epic highs & lows of billions giving taylor all their prominence in s4 only to then forever pull back on that #no they can't gain their autonomy again pre finale. no they can't escape wendy rhoades our insisted upon Centrist Hero core part lmao #winston fr it was like well we wrote a guy to be laughed at & pwned & he killed it....i guess we'll just do that for the rest of the show? #anyways nothing new here just thinking like Epic....Nonbinary #the idiosyncrasy that billions Can contain that other shows can't b/c billions has its deliberate off the railsness #and so for taylor to get to be this part that is even particularly idiosyncratic amongst that....scintillating. mwah #including being the closest to actually handling the idiosyncrasy of the autistic guy.... #if they were Really allowed to be so powerful as to cast off the Billions' Correctness ideas (which they can't b/c billions can't) #winston could be like no but for real re: wendy....and then there's a problem if taylor ever did truly just stop bothering w/her lol #anyways fr their getting to put the So Gender out there via also overall getting to be So Character making the series 900x more engaging #well no breaking news to anyone here i'm sure but let's post about it again for sure yknow. anytime....Them #sure had Writing behind it from the start but then the Acting & [actual nonbinary person] providing So much crucial energy #all the more of that Need for the acting in just like. peak That re: winston lol. the acting Making it a part.... #while the writing never strained itself trying to shift that distribution of effort lol. all up to the magic of actor w. roland.... #also at all present in [so your character being much less hindered would break open the rest of the series' limitations huh] for taylor.... #hooraayyy w/the most room for taylor in s4 but then that was as far as they could let them go & so shortchanged beyond that forever #and wayyy too much wendy & wags furiously held at the center of s7 like. taylor sacker philip teamup would be done w/this in 5 min? #skill issue for wendy & wags & for the series overall in not being able to Not focus 90098293hz of affection there at other roles' expense #didn't need all that axe either of course; another Thwartation device. if rian was gonna be like that should've written her out s5 or 6 #dollar bill is here because he just has to be here? at least they didn't try to focus on him all thee time or anything but smh #well anyways lmfao the point is against all odds still all this serendipity for Taylor Mason akd tour de force & gendering good for us all

[todayisafridaynight]

there's only two things on this godless fuck of an earth i care about and one of them is kazumaji and the other is minedai which means half the time i am eating well and thriving and living my best life and the other half of the time i am clinging to your blog like a lifebuoy and devouring anything even slightly minedai related i see so what i'm saying is thank you for existing and doing what you do, it keeps me sane

my god you really are starving i'm so sorry my sweet summer child i'll do my best to take care of you. very happy to have you around Very Joyed to hear i can keep you afloat my brother

#snap chats #just posted a minedai fic so i mean. if pwp your speed go have fun go check that out LMAO #NO BUT REAL IF YALL LIKE MINEDAI BUT ARE LIKE. /ALSO/ 'PICKY' LIKE ME WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER #despite minedai technically being one of the more popular ships in RGG its just... not really portrayed in a way i like #i could just be really particular tho cause there are minedai fics i absolutely love to bits #tbh it just the n/sfw thats never done in a way that i like BUT that's why we learn to cook yk cooking's a life skill #gotta make what you like <-- cannot write for his life #like Truly most of the sfw minedai fics i read i love so much theyre so cute and lovely or hit me in just the right way #otherwise tho there really is not. minedai stuff huh #like there IS and i am also slorping and sucking on the crumbs but yeah compared to kazumaji uhhh good luck LMAOOOOO #JPN twitter comes in clutch tho they keep /me/ fed.. love the art over there so much UGH i bust at 6AM #and anon my dear im so sorry you gotta see my cringe msada| postings when i do them. unless you got that tag blocked then gg AHA #very unfortunate the western freak makin a bulk of minedai stuff is also cringe very sad day we're all mournful about it #i do love minedai tho. theyre special to me.. i feel immensely about them.. #ok i have to speedrun my morning jesus christ i have to drive two hours back to school uuGHHHGH I DONT WANNAAAA #I HATE DRIVING DRIVING SUCKS

[running-in-the-dark]

as someone who has always had issues with sleeping, it's so strange to see how my husband can just fall asleep whenever he wants, wherever he wants. he could lie down on the ground and sleep for 8 hours, no problem.

he just goes to bed, lies down, and falls asleep. and then stays asleep until his alarm wakes him, then he gets up and is just. awake. just like that. he never remembers any of his dreams, he just sleeps. all night. uninterrupted.

it's just. very weird. I mean, I had a lot of sleepovers with friends when I was a kid, so I guess I already knew other people can just. sleep. but still, I guess I always figured it must be a coincidence that everyone else just happened to fall asleep and stay asleep on those occasions. but damn it's been 10 years of seeing this dude just sleep like it's no big deal, and I suppose that's just. how it's meant to be?! how unfair is that.

#he also snores like crazy #so he sleeps peacefully and I can absolutely not fall asleep when he's in the same room 😭 #even when we're in adjacent rooms. I still hear him snoring #yes I've been trying to fall asleep and it is not going great! so I'm trying to distract myself enough until I feel just tired enough to #try again #(and: I can also fall asleep anytime anywhere! just not on purpose 🙃 never ever on purpose.) #ugh why does it have to be so hard 😭 like life must be just. so much easier when you can just sleep?? and also feel rested when you wake up #I still think that's not a real thing. like. people just. wake up? and feel? better and less tired? nah that's made up 😬 #trying to sleep without my antidepressant and. I honestly forgot just how bad it used to be #I can *fall asleep* now thanks to melatonin #it only takes like 30 minutes usually #but I keep waking up. and not being able to get back to sleep #and I don't hear like. 4 out of 5 alarms. #and I feel so exhausted when I wake up that I physically can't make myself get up #ugh I just hate this shit so much 😭 #personal

[thelonelybrilliance]

susannah fisher 🤝 lady marchmain = being inscrutable and beloved by seemingly everyone while actually being profoundly manipulative and fking up their children's lives beyond repair, especially their younger sons

#brideshead revisited #Tsitp #This is a Susannah fisher hate blog #Also the one good thing I can want for Conrad is THERAPY so like... we're awfully close to being a Fisher family hate blog #With the obvious and absolute exception of Jeremiah #Wish the show was brave enough to be real about this dysfunction #Instead of giving Conrad endless passes #Thru Belly's eyes at least

[soldier-poet-king]

sCREAMS i must be petty and mean for one (1) second or else it’s gonna bother me so much i wont be able to sleep and i desperately DO need to do that

#franposting #thou shalt not vagueblog thou chalt not vaguelbog etc etc etc #actually i'd be ok i dont think this person is following me #i just hAVE SEEN a post (tm) #and like GEEZE LOUISE #sometimes i forget. that ppl are really still on that shitty ex gay narrative train #like no thank u i am TIRED of pleasing the straights #my only identity is in christ they scream. okay then. if we're gonna take paul 1000% literally #gender is also now abolished. live with it bitches #it's such a TIRED and also BAD argument #why is talking queerness with straight and ex gay christians literally the worst thing in the world without a doubt #this is why im out here being absolutely insane about god but also ALONE and in PRIVATE (on tumblr)\ #i forgot how exhausting and terrible like. the majority of real world christians are #or like. at least all the ones i regularly encounter #im just. like. holy SHIT yall are the fuckin pits #and im infinitely happier and more faithful and in love with the sublime and uncanny and divine and god and eveyrthing #when i simply. do not acknowledge these ppl exist. i Do Not See It #i am in my queer little world where we don't argue about literally the DUMBEST OLDEST SHIT #LIKE??? ARE WE REALLY STILL ON THIS??? #not to b like it's the protestants. bc i know catholics are like this too. but usAmerican protestant culture has DEF made it WORSE #in all aspects except physical i am a weird af medival mystic just vibing out here with my strong emotions and insane thoughts #and completely ignoring 99% of my co-religionists and their terrible opinions #like truly just the worst and i hate everything you say and you ruin everything for everyone and ofc yes forgiveness and radical mercy #but i am also full of murderous rage and you are TESTING ME #can you go be good and holy in complete isolation away from everyone else and the itnernet so i dont have to listen to ur shit ever again #PLEASE #ok. i have to stop myself from being even more mean. just know that i am full of so much meanness. i am the meanest person in the worldt #trapped inside the most scrupulous conscience in the world with a desperate need to be Good and Virtuous

[stars-inthe-sky]

...

#just found out our absolute favorite coffeeshop in cambridge massachusetts is closing #and almost every other such place we frequented in our many years there is now also gone #(many due to covid but many not) #and while my sisters are still both living in the area so we're back with some frequency #the specific harvard square area that was home for so long is now not at all a focal point #and while i absolutely and deeply miss a lot about those years of our lives #i am today struck with that realization about never being able to go home again #and it's sad and weird and visceral yet superficial? #anyway a consistently excellent egg sandwich on sourdough probably shouldn't be able to inspire this level of feeling years later #but (1) they were really good sandwiches and (2) it's obviously about more than the sandwiches #like just a time in life and a place where it happened #and there was already so much never-going-back even before bébé and even before covid really #friends moving away or out to the suburbs and day to day life shifting and whatever else #but man #the years start coming and they dont stop coming #this is about darwin's ltd. if you're familiar with the neighborhood #but it's also about how time flies and is weird #we're going back for middle sister's baby shower next month so i guess we'll get our final breakfast sandwiches then #but not from the mt. auburn location where i have probably spent the equivalent of weeks of my life at least #is this the real life?