#also I promised myself when I made this blog that I’d try to be engaged with the fandoms I got into

[kingofanemptyworld]

Rin, identity issues, and the complications of being an isolated, alienated teenager

It feels sort of weird to say but I generally don’t head canon characters as having particular sexualities. Whatever people go for in fics is usually fine with me - gay, lesbian, bi, pan, something more general like queer. As long as it makes sense for the story they’ve built and the character they’ve shaped to fit it, I’m good. Unless you’re ignoring a canon LGBTQ+ sexuality, in which case, yeah, I’ll take issue with that.

But anyway. Rin.

I’ve got my personal ship for him (BonRin my beloved), but regardless of the pairing I see him as bisexual. He’s so open with his infatuation with Shiemi, and okay, sure, fandom likes to ignore the love interest in shounen for the most part because we’ve got gay ships to peddle. But I don’t see the point in that unless it really reads like it’s a front, or a result of a character suppressing themselves for one reason or another. And with Rin, I think it’s pretty clear his affection for Shiemi is sincere. You technically have the in-universe evidence of the demon that brought out his true desires to back that up, but even without it, Rin likes her. It’s complicated because of Yukio and Shiemi’s own inexperience with romance, and yet I never once doubt he really likes her.

That being said… he’s very appreciative of the guys in his life, too. (Peddling my gay ship here) Bon in particular, considering he’s often admiring how cool he thinks Bon is, that his haircut suits him whether it’s the blonde rooster look or the undercut. If you don’t want to see it as romantic interest, that’s your prerogative, but to me Rin comes across as seeing cool and cute as different traits he finds attractive (in Bon and Shiemi respectively).

I also think his bisexuality would fit neatly into his narrative struggles to “pass” throughout the early parts of the series. Rin has grown up as the neighborhood problem child, ostracized for being violent, and eventually he decides he’s fine with just his brother and his father — and the rest of the monastery, presumably — for company. (Except that’s absolutely not true and clearly he’s starved for friendship and support.) People looked at him and saw a monster, even before his demonic heritage made an appearance; why would he bother giving them even more ammunition when it comes to reasons to hate him? So no matter when he figured out his attraction to guys, he’s not going to lean into it, because he also likes girls, right? (Ignoring for a moment that bisexuality is a lot more nuanced than that.)

Rin likes girls, Rin is human — that’s what’s going to get people to like him, or at the very least tolerate him. That he likes guys, that he’s half demon, he can shove that shit down and pretend it doesn’t exist. Lock up any stray thoughts and keep the sword sheathed around anyone who doesn’t already know.

(Excuse me for being amused by Rin wielding his humanity and supposed heterosexuality as a sword and shield.)

The problem, of course, is that he can’t keep up the facade forever. The narrative won’t let him. Rin has to embrace his demonic side, because it’s the only way to move forward and to continue to help his loved ones. And once he’s moved past the issue of his friends being upset over the deception, when they understand he’s still Rin despite what he’d hidden from them, Rin is finally allowed to be himself. He uses his flames, he lets his tail move freely in the open around the Cram School kids. Rin still doesn’t like this side of himself — it’s inextricably tied to every moment of pain and isolation he’s dealt with his entire life, including the death of Father Fujimoto (and, y’know, his mom). But he is moving forward, he’s trying to adapt.

And isn’t that some great fucking subtext for his bisexuality, too?

#king’s court #blue exorcist #ao no exorcist #okumura rin #rin okumura #bonrin #because I love them #anyway thanks for coming to my ted talk #I probably made more sense in my head than I did writing everything out #but oh well #there’s a similar conversation to be had about yukio and his suppression/obsession that develops #but I am not qualified for that one #also I promised myself when I made this blog that I’d try to be engaged with the fandoms I got into #because the one I’d sunk a lot of time and effort into on my main no long brings me much joy and I miss interacting with people #so. uh. here I am I guess #god this is probably less compelling than my season 2 analysis of bnha seven years after it aired

[gunchamber]

hello everyone, i hope you are all doing well today when you’re reading this!! as many of you may know, i took a few months break due to real life getting pretty hectic .  i decided on the break when it became obvious to me that i wasn’t logging into my blog for a positive escape anymore, i was forcing myself to be here because i felt like i had to. this pressure was placed on me BY ME, none of my mutuals/friends ever made me feel like i had no choice but to try to write, all the blame is on myself because in my brain i felt like i had to or i would be forgotten. when i eventually felt like i was mentally healthy and ready enough to come back, you guys proved me wrong and gave me such a warm welcome back which i am so grateful for. but as i feared, i did feel a change with my presence back on the dash.  and maybe i should have better prepared myself for it, because i do understand that 3+ months is a long stretch of time. 

which is what has lead me to sit down and write this as kind of a psa for everyone:  that i do understand that connections krissy( or eris )  may have had previously are pushed to the back burner due to my absence,  muse for threads i’ve had with many of you could be lost or dwindled very slim, or perhaps you just might feel genuinely different about the dynamics between your muse and krissy.  it’s the reality of this creative space, or any outlets of expression and art, that if it’s not continuously fueled or engaged in then motivation or inspiration for it will just lessen and lessen until muse for it is nearly gone. and you may have to put a little work into it, in order to regain it back. and i am willing to do that, because i have loved everything and all the dynamics i created with so many of you with krissy. 

( i would like to again say that i do not feel like my ships/dynamics are more important than others at all .  i promise there are no hard feelings whatsoever. )

thus the main reason for me going into a big spiel, is that if you do not wish to continue or that you wish to start over, please tell me. or if you wish to not restart anything with krissy at all, let me know so i’m not left in the dark wondering if i do try to interact IC.  in the long run, i am not a mind reader. 

this is an invitation to any and all of you that if there are things you would like to change, switch up or maybe even take away please come to me privately and let me know. i will also approach as many of you that i can, bc it isn’t fair for me to expect my writing partners to do all the work and i don’t expect that, but i hope that you also understand that i might not be able to get to everyone as quickly as i would like to. so i’d appreciate it, if you feel comfortable with it, to come to me first. my IMs and disco are always open to my mutuals.

#❛ ooc. ┊╳ xoxo ‚ gossip girl . #( psa. ) #/ as always i will reblog this later too for the evening crowd #/ but this has just been on my mind lately #/ i don't want to be an annoyance to anyone ever ya know?? #/ my anxiety ridden brain just needs straight forwardness sometimes <3

[peaceliliesandtea]

28.01.23

I never thought I’d be back on Tumblr. Why am I staring at this damn navy dashboard once again? I’ve ended up living back at home for a little bit, and I guess old habits die hard. I’ve been thinking about my relationship with Tumblr as a teen, my qualms with it, and the outlet it provided to a younger version of myself. I’ll probably write a post on that at some point, but not now. I’m one of those people who is always planning, saying they’ll do that soon, and then soon never comes. I won’t promise I’ll write it, hence the probably rather than something more definitive. 

Back here again. I could invest in a diary. God knows I have an endless pile of half-filled journals lying around. Still, where’s the fun in that? Writing for yourself, writing your innermost thoughts on a blank page knowing no one will ever read them unless you become famous and your estate or your will says ‘yes, please, publish my private writing for the public so they can tear it apart or put it in someone’s Christmas stocking’... the act of being seen happens when you’ve already disappeared. Even so, I don’t necessarily want engagement, just the comfort that perhaps an external pair of eyes will glance at my somewhat filtered public words. 

I’m currently trying to finish my university degree, long-suffering student that I am, and this week’s required reading is heavy going. Not necessarily in content, more that the sheer volume of work makes me dread sitting down at my desk. So far, I’ve read half of Jean Rhys’ Voyage in the Dark, a novel which has no relevance to any of the literature I’m studying. Still, the narrator’s interiority made me think about Sally Rooney a fair amount. 

The title of this blog came from a lack of imagination from me. My mum gave me a peace lily from the garden centre this morning. She breezed in at around twelve, set it down on my chest of drawers and said they were going for free at the till and she thought it might brighten up the room. Here’s hoping I manage to keep it alive and it doesn’t join the rest in the plant graveyard. Now, I also like tea. De-caffeinated English Breakfast only, otherwise I don’t sleep well. There we have it. Peace lilies and tea. 

#thoughts

[tfrohock]

Twitter -- Write Your Own Epitaph

Now that it seems Twitter is going to resort to its old flame-worthy self, I’ll be withdrawing even more from that particular platform. More than anything, it’s because Twitter has turned into Facebook in terms of its algorithms. I no longer see the people I want to see. Instead my feed is full of people the algorithm wants me to see due to the amount of engagement their profiles receive. I know a lot of you have worked hard for those blue checks, but I’m just not interested in 24/7 self-promotion anymore—yours or mine. It’s all become just so much noise.

I’m not leaving Twitter altogether just yet. I’m taking a wait and see stance, but if the past is any indication, it’ll devolve into people screaming, and I’m just done with that.

Frankly, I’ve pulled back from a lot of social media lately. I remember doom-scrolling one day and just wondering why was I bothering? Absolutely nothing I saw in my feed made me happy or even made me think. I’d just become numb to it all.

I pay to get my news through a reliable news source, so individual Twitter-takes are irrelevant to me. Having a large follower count or an even bigger bank account doesn’t equate to taste or intelligence, and I have better things to do than fan the flames for narcissists who need constant validation through clicks.

I’m on Facebook because of family, my job, and close friends. I also belong to several groups on Facebook and tend to spend more time in private groups than anywhere. Likewise with Slack—I’m in a couple of private groups there, and I tend to focus my energy in that direction. I run my blog posts through Tumblr, so if you’re still there, you can give me a follow there, as well.

I’m here at my blog and newsletter, and I’ll try a few new apps to see if something fits, but otherwise, I’ve resumed reading, watching television/movies that interest me, and writing. My anxiety levels have gone down and I feel calmer, and something else—I’m feeling much more creative.

I already follow several authors on their newsletters, so I won’t lose touch with the people I enjoy interacting with on Twitter. Insofar as my free time goes, I’ve simply found much better ways to spend it.

I’ve read several books in the last couple of months. Here are the ones worth mentioning:

The Indifferent Stars Above: The Harrowing Saga of a Donner Party Bride by Daniel James Brown — Probably the best and most thorough history of the Donner Party that I’ve read. It reads like a novel and is perfect in every way.

The Marriage Portrait by Maggie O’Farrell — History, fiction, and mystery all rolled into one, it is a certifiable page-turner that you will not be able to put down. Stay for the afterword, I promise you won’t regret it.

When I Sing, Mountains Dance by Irene Solà, Mara Faye Lethem (Translator) — This is a series of short interconnected vignettes about people in a village high in the Pyrenees, their lives, and their ghosts. Poetic and brilliant.

Black Mouth by Ronald Malfi — I reviewed this one in a previous post.

Helpmeet by Naben Ruthnum — A haunting little novella that is perfect for a cold autumn night.

In terms of movies and television:

Werewolf by Night — An absolutely delightful take on the 1940s horror films. The show had a lot of heart and a great cast.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (1982) — This is the 1982 stage production with Angela Lansbury and George Hearn in the title roles. As I rewatched it for the first time in over thirty years, I found myself smiling with enjoyment and simply marveled at how wonderful and relaxed I felt. Nothing like a little play about a serial killer barber and his demented cannibalistic lover to bring perspective to my life.

She Will — I watched this over the summer, but I wanted to mention it, because it is horror and a wonderfully good one. It’s about old women and young women and healing. Very nicely done.

I’m currently reading Alex Bledsoe’s Dandelion, which is a great possession novel set in the rural south. If you’re looking for a cool series to watch, I highly recommend Cracow Monsters (Polish) on Netflix and I’m currently watching Guillermo del Toro’s Cabinet of Curiosities, because who isn’t?

Of course, I’m spending more time here on my blog and in the newsletter and writing my own stories. I have a short story that had too pat of an ending, and I think I’ve now discovered a way to fix it before I resubmit it. My horror novel is coming along nicely, and I’ve got a couple of other projects on the back burner that I’m working on as time allows.

So if you’re in interested, keep your eye out for me. If I land on a new app that fits me, I’ll give it a shout-out here. The best place to find me, though, will always be here and through my newsletter. I won’t blast every blog post through the newsletter, but I will do summaries from time to time.

Meanwhile, watch for me, and I’ll watch for you, as well.

#Daniel James Brown #Maggie O’Farrell #Irene Solà #Naben Ruthnum #Werewolf by Night #Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (1982) #She Will #Dandelion Alex Bledsoe #Cracow Monsters #Guillermo del Toro #Cabinet of Curiosities

[timberandthemole]

Baby Steps

It’s already late May of 2022 and this interminable stretch just keeps… stretching.

People talk about their mental health a lot on the Internet. I have too, though mostly in my LiveJournal, back in ye olde days. I was diagnosed with depression back in 2005 after my mom died, but I’m sure I started feeling it in high school. In the last few years, I’ve realized that I probably have ADHD or autism–or both. I managed to finally get my psychiatrist to order some testing for me in May of 2021, but naturally it wasn’t for either of those things. Neuropsych testing is something that I guess I’m glad to have gotten now (finally got to do that in April of 2022) but again, not a diagnosis. The doctor who did my testing went over the results with me last week and I successful impressed upon him my frustration with the lack of starting a real diagnosis process. Yes, I know it can take years. Yes, I know it’s complex. Yes, I know there are multiple reasons I could be suffering and it is important to rule things out.

Like a lot of people, I’m sure, my frustration with how slow all of this is gnaws on me. Somehow, I seem to have not communicated the depths of my anger to my therapist… I assume because of the nature of my mind flitting from topic to topic.

I mean, made this blog in the fall of 2020 and here I am again for the first time since January of 2021. You’d assume, perhaps that I’d forgotten this existed. Not so. It has been a regular source of, “oh, I should do that” for me many times a week since that time. Did I do anything? No. Did I want to? Sometimes, yeah. But it’s hard to make content of any kind when your life is stagnant and you don’t feel like you have anything worth talking about.

The thing is, I do have things to say. So many things, at all times, really. Not necessarily helpful for illuminating things, but boy, do I have many many words.

The fantasy of running a blog and having readers has been dangling over me for two years and I have been too… whatever… to do anything about it. But I want to. I want to talk about knitting and my chickens and my dog and my inability to focus when I want to, and The Sims and my D&D game and cooking and you see why I might have choice paralysis?

My neuropsych testing suggests, apparently, shockingly, that I have difficulty with unstructured tasks. *frustrated laughter*

I don’t know how many times I wanted to cringe or wince whenever the doctor said the word superior, but it doesn’t need to be very often for me to wonder why I did. Like it’s a bad thing for me to have verbal ability. From the age of eight I have wanted to write stories. That was basically my dream. We should not be surprised by this. We should not feel a weird sort of shame about this.

Right?

I am trying–I’m trying so hard–to figure out why I do things or don’t do them or why I want to shoot myself in the foot or why I get so angry so quickly and a host of other things.

But I also just want to talk about my chickens, you know?

This will be day for of an increased dose of my meds, and lo and behold, here I am actually writing something. I ought to take that as a good sign. We’ll see.

Yesterday I mentioned my reluctance to make promises. I don’t always follow through and failing that always makes me feel like human garbage. So I’m not making a promise to myself or the Internet, or even to the few followers I gained last year. (Thank you to those people, though! Though your interest may have been as vague and unfocused as my own concentration, I deeply appreciate you clicking any of the little buttons to engage with me.) Still, not promising. Not yet. But I want to do something. It was suggested to me, reasonably that I don’t have to do the Entire Thing at my Entire Capacity. I am allowed to just do a little bit at a time. Ten minutes is better than zero minutes. Simple steps that for some reason (cough) did not occur to me on my own.

With that in mind, Hello Internet. I’m talking to you today. And I want to talk to you again soon.

#mental health

[tinygameroom]

Interactive Fiction to Look Out For On Itch.io

itch.io is a trove of interactive fiction games, visual novels, and kinetic novels of all types, and I’ve run into a good handful that I think are worth highlighting (and playing again myself!)

Many of these I haven’t finished yet due to the sheer amount of content or because I went for the ending I wanted straight away, but I’d love to finish them thoroughly and perhaps review some of them in the future. 

A couple notes! First, it’s been a while since I’ve played some of these games, and some of them I haven’t seen all of the paths. I try to give warnings where needed, but my warnings might not be complete as I don’t know absolutely everything in each game. Please check the games’ pages and look after yourself!

Secondly, many of these are available free, and some are for sale at a low minimum price, but I encourage you to supporter the writers, artists, composers and developers in any way you can, whether that’s giving them a follow, donating, or just leaving a nice comment. Supporting indie creators is a huge part of what this blog is about so give back to those who create things you love! Now let’s get into the list!

Visual Novels:

Hikeback is a horror visual novel about hitchhiking, time loops, and murder. It gives a lot of incentive to keep playing and replaying, as the story advances almost every time you start again, with new choices and details being revealed as it all unravels. This game is incredibly engaging and beautifully written, and lives up to the promise of time loops and meta game mechanics. I recommend this for anyone who wants a good spooky, existential story. Be warned of loud noises, jumpscares, glitch effects, blood and violence, abuse, and themes of self harm, suicide, and depression. The itch.io pge has a list of content warnings as well as a full spoilery breakdown of warnings if you need them. You can find Hikeback on itch.io here!

Nothing to Say is a Visual Novel dating sim where you go on a date with Zoe, a girl you really like. The only problem is you’re very, very nervous. In this smart little game, you’ll be limited in how many letters you can use to express yourself, and you’ll have to unlock further dialogue options by getting to know Zoe, being honest with her, and being cute together. You’ll only earn letters from dialogue options once, encouraging you to explore more dialogue each playthrough until you get all the options to fully tell Zoe how you feel. Nothing to Say is playable here on itch.io!

Text-Interactive:

The Three-Body Problem is a queer romance interactive fiction about celestial witches living in a dark, magical wood when they encounter a young stranger. It features a nonbinary character, a potential polyamorous relationship, and healthy dom/sub dynamics. I found this story sweet and charming, with likable characters and pretty, easy to follow story writing. The Three-Body Problem deals with themes of abuse in a compassionate manner, and is in large part about healing and finding people with whom you are safe. I recommend it for anyone wanting a nice queer romance read with fantasy elements. Watch out for themes of abuse and sexual themes. You can purchase The Three-Body Problem on itch.io here for $5 or play a free mobile version from Wattpad!

Raik is a deeply Scottish fantasy melded with reality. You play as a young woman dealing with anxiety and stress trying to make it through her day, while a fantasy world unravels around her. This story has layers, and all of it is beautiful. The portrayal of anxiety is poignant and real, and the writing is gorgeous. I don’t want to say anything else to spoil it, but this game is fantastic. I recommend for anyone who likes to daydream. Please be warned of themes of anxiety, stress, and panic attacks as well as some fantasy violence. You can buy Raik here on itch.io for 3 GDP (or more! Please support the author!)

Space Frog! (I saw a lunar eclipse) is a story of a frog in space. He’s a frog and he’s in space! This is a cute, short interactive fiction with low stakes, no worries, just cute adventures of a frog in space. You can direct frog as he travels and learn more about him. It has adorable illustrations and clickable text that reveals extra flavor information. I recommend to anybody looking for a smile. You can play Space Frog here on itch.io and also download a zine of the game for $2 or more!

Floor is a text-interactive game about lying on the floor. You can lie on the floor, and you can get off the floor. What you do next is up to you! This is a short game with no real stakes, just real life boredom and activities. It may evoke feelings of loneliness or disappointment, but you can also just have some hummus. Floor can be played here on itch.io!

Apple Spice Pancakes is another short game about making pancakes with your sweetie! It’s entirely wholesome and adorable. The game text is all dialogue - the dialogue you read is from your partner, and your choices are your real-time responses to them. You can help them design your perfect breakfast while being disgustingly cute. Apple Spice Pancakes is available here on itch.io!

A Witch’s Word is a romantic text game where you have made a deal with a witch, offering her your firstborn. The only problem is you don’t have a child. Or a partner. The witch is here to help. Explore three potential relationships as your witch continues to introduce you to new sweethearts, trying to find someone who you are willing to love and who is willing to give up your child. And if you don’t want any of these people the witch offers you... maybe play the game anyway. See what can happen. A Witch’s Word is available here on itch.io!

Other:

Novena is an interactive poem! It’s a pixel art game that you navigate around, interacting with parts of the environment to read through the poem, which is about the ocean, and wishes, and expectations. And compassion. It has absolutely stunning visuals and music, and the poem makes me cry each time. Be warned of some really heavy feelings, but it will do its best to comfort you. The poem takes about five minutes to read and is here on itch.io waiting for you.

I hope a few of these games are of interest to you and that I’ve inspired you to support these great indie developers! If you wanna support me and see more articles and reviews on indie games, or encourage me as I learn to make my own, you can follow me here and on itch.io and support me with donations on ko-fi! Please reblog if you like this article, since tumblr will make it very hard to find with all these links. Have a great day and play some good games!

#indie games #interactive fiction #visual novels #game recs #itchio #itch.io #interactive text games #interactive games #interactive text #indie game dev #horror games #romance games #dating sims #gaming #video games

[wisteria-lodge]

snake primary + snake secondary (bird model)

Hello! I recently discovered your blog and really love the thought you’ve put into the nuances of the SHC system. I’m super into these kinds of personality analysis systems (I’ve probably been through them all at this point) because I think it’s interesting to know how people tick - I also think self-awareness is important so that you know why you do what you do, essentially. I took the SHC quiz and it told me I was a Snake Primary with a Bird Model, and a Bird Secondary with a Snake Model. I agree that I’m probably a (somewhat petrified) Snake Primary with a strong Bird Model, but I’m not sure which is my true secondary and which is the model. Maybe you can help?

I can sure try :)

Some things about me: I’m an oldest daughter, and I’m almost 100% sure my dad is a Bird Snake and I *idolized* him as a child - I thought he had it all figured out. He was the Zeus to my Athena in my child’s eyes, and I think I got my Bird primary model very early from copying him.

I mean, I know what you mean in a “sole creator” sense, but there is no *way* Athena thought Zeus had it all figured out.

My two younger brothers are a Lion Snake and a Lion Badger, and my mother is possibly a Double Badger, though I’m not as sure about her - maybe she just thinks that she *should* be a Double Badger. I think all that is important to help illustrate that I didn’t really feel *at home* when I was with my family, though I loved them, since I was the only Snake. My parents also had a terrible relationship and are now divorced, so there’s that as well. I think the only time I have ever been truly morally outraged was the revelation that my dad had engaged in infidelity against my mom, and then again when he started dragging his feet over a promise the he had made my youngest brother. We didn’t speak for a long time after that incident, but I was really cut up over dropping him.

Oh yeah. That’s very Snake primary. Morally outraged because your People are getting hurt.

We eventually started to reconcile, and the only reason we did was because he called and said he was driving through my city one day, and even after all of that, I said yes to meeting up because I felt sad that I had dropped him. I think this family dynamic, plus some other childhood stuff, led to me sort of “checking out” and petrifying pretty early.

Just a theory - I think it’s possible that this hit your secondary more than it hit your primary. You seem pretty strong and confident in your Snake primary so far. Even the fact that you can identify it coming from such a non-Snake environment, and don’t feel guilty about it, is big.

I had a lot of trouble making friends in school.

I’m thinking this might be more of a secondary thing.

and generally ended up with like one friend who was the other weird girl, and who I always sort of kept at arm’s length emotionally. I moved schools several times as a kid and after the first best friend (who was the daughter of my mom’s best friend and was like a sister to me until she moved away), I really didn’t try too hard to make new “best” friends.

Hmm. See, this reads like a *default* friend to me, not a friend of choice. The other weird girl. The daughter of your mom’s friend. That’s an easy friend to have… and not one that you necessarily sought out. I’m not surprised that your primary didn’t latch onto her with that Snake intensity.

Even now, though I definitely have concentric circles of loyalty and a significant other who is my “top person”, I’m not sure I have that blind Snake I-would-literally-die-for-you loyalty toward anyone - I’d kill or hide a body for my top circles

That *is* Snake loyalty. Snakes aren’t going to die for someone else, are you kidding? That’s a sucker’s game. They value themselves too much.

I would give up a lot of my own comfort for my significant other. Maybe I’m just afraid to let myself feel that unquestioning loyalty, though I want to feel it, or maybe I’m really a Bird and just want to be a Snake because that would mean I could be un-broken eventually.

Let’s talk about your secondary, I want to hear about how you think you’re broken, because so far you seem fine. Congrats on the SO!

I don’t think I’m an Idealist though - I’m surrounded by them and I know I don’t care about “principles” the way they do. Then again, maybe I’m a Bird whose truth is that moral relativism is the truth lol. Anyway, I think for my primary, I’m probably a petrified Snake with a Bird model unless I’m totally wrong about myself.

I think you’re just a Snake who… is a Snake.

(you’ve got that Birdy influence though, from your dad, and they do like to complicate things.)

As for my secondary, I loved to read (everything - all kinds of fiction, especially sci-fi/fantasy/mystery and, like, Victorian sci-fi/horror adventures, nature books, medical texts, etc. Wikipedia was a revelation when it came out), and I was smart and good at taking tests and knowing the answers in school, so at a certain point I think I just defaulted to being “the smart one” and used that as armor to help keep people from getting too close.

yep yep yep, welcome to the ‘fun Bird model’ club, we have snacks

I do genuinely love to learn, and I’ve always been known among friends and family as the one who either knows the answer or will look it up. I love pop culture trivia and nature facts. I also love and am good at debate, but not really when real feelings are involved - I more love the “battle of wits” aspect, where I can match up against a person to see if my knowledge and ability to adapt my argument on the fly can stump them. 

I also would argue the unpopular point, or the point I didn’t agree with, just for sport. Fun Bird secondary model.

I developed terrible anxiety and probably some depression as well in high school.

Okay, now I’m seeing the problem.

and now that I’m older, I suspect that I may have ADHD, though I haven’t been officially assessed. I didn’t discover my executive function issues really until college, when suddenly being smart and being able to figure out the test answers through context clues and what I remembered from lectures and readings + whatever trivia I had gathered about the topic wasn’t enough anymore.

I suspect you’re right about being ADHD. Or at least being neruodivergent.

I am horrible at studying! I would plan out my study sessions and make these nice little cheat sheets (these were allowed on exams) and they didn’t work at all! I did very well in my literature minor though, because all the graded assignments were papers rather than open-answer tests, and I could get my thoughts out better and with more resources at my disposal if I forgot something and needed to go back to the book to check.

Oh ouch. Yeah, I’m not even relating this back to a secondary, because I’m reading this as a working memory thing? Like ugh tests are such a terrible way access knowledge. What is even the *point* of memorization anymore? You should have been able to have a college career that was completely writing papers, like I did.

I was at one point very jealous of my Lion Snake brother, who I felt could do “whatever he wanted” with minimal consequences, while I always felt constrained by being “good” and not rocking the boat too much with my family.

Yep. That’s being an oldest daughter.

I couldn’t understand why he didn’t seem to care about being considerate to everyone else in the household (especially my chronically overworked, can’t-say-no Badger mom lol).

It’s because he’s the youngest. Mine’s the same.

This attitude was definitely influenced by my anxiety issues at that time, since I had (and still have) a lot of trouble asking for anything - help, permission, whatever. I’d rather do things and explore on my own, without anyone watching, so I don’t have to ask and don’t have to explain.

Did you low-key raise your younger siblings? Because it sounds like you raised your siblings.

I feel better with a little bit of distance, and definitely wear masks in most situations. I’d say my masks are half conscious and half reactive - I do have some idea of how I’d like to be perceived, but it’s only kind of systematic.

That makes me think Snake or Badger secondary.

I have a few “characters” that I use as touchpoints when I’m going into a new situation, but once I’m there I mostly just act nice and funny and see what happens.

So far I’m going with Badger secondary (be nice and and assume it’ll be fine is very badger) with a fun Bird secondary model, that you can do an Actor Bird thing with. Although liking to “just see what happens” is pretty snake.

The characters are really just costumes I use to give off a certain first impression, although I do really like the costumes and find them fun. I love clothes, makeup, and perfume too, because I enjoy the idea of making multidimensional costumes for different settings. I actually enjoy the mask a lot of the time - I have tattoos that are purposefully in places that I can cover easily, because I enjoy the idea that there’s something under the professional mask that people only know about if I show them. I’m a bit socially awkward I think (I repeat myself and talk a lot), but most people tend to either like me or tolerate me, and I don’t get into a lot of interpersonal conflicts. 

Hm. Either Courtier Badger or Snake secondary, fun Bird secondary model. However. Especially after talking about your Actor Bird in such fun, positive, happy language… I am going to call you out for “socially awkward” and “people tolerate me.” Which tells me you don’t have as much faith in your social skill set, and it’s *maybe* a little burnt.

(Also, not to get too armchair psychologist tell-me-about-your-mother, but if your mom has a  “chronically overworked, can’t-say-no” Badger secondary… that’s going to affect how you see Badger secondaries.)

Right now I work in a very Badger/Bird workplace, and it’s really a terrible fit, even though I can squeak by enough to fool my superiors into thinking I’m doing a good job. 

oh we’ve got some imposter syndrome, that can also be a burnt secondary thing.

It’s all long-term planning and daily maintenance tasks, and I really don’t like it. I change most of my plans partway through, but I’m not sure if it’s because I’m really an improvisational secondary at heart, or if I’m truly a Bird that’s just bad at planning for all of the variables.

I’m going to say you’re not a Bird. Making cheat-sheets (which is a very Bird secondary strategy) also did not work, and you feel confined by, not comforted by plans. You’re not a Lion, you enjoy keeping your true self to yourself too much. You could be either a Badger or Snake. And if you really hate daily maintenance tasks… that could be coming from a few places, but it makes me lean Snake. 

I love being in situations where I can iterate on a plan, or make a new plan on the fly. I love escape rooms and am pretty good at them; I still get stumped and need hints sometimes, but when I *get* a puzzle, it sort of just clicks for me? I don’t think in a very linear way and am not a good chess player, but I also have never studied chess so perhaps I just am at a knowledge disadvantage in that game. 

This is also you using Bird to have fun, and we know you *love* using Bird to have fun.

One of my proudest moments

okay this is definitely going to be helpful

was when I was on a day trip with my significant other, and we needed to find a place to buy food quickly so we wouldn’t miss a specific ferry and then a specific bus - we were on an island, and near the ferry station the restaurants were all too expensive and we were worried they would take too long anyway. He was starting to get frazzled, but I was able to think on my feet, and we just grabbed a calming beer (lol) at a creepy neighborhood bar, then got on the ferry and bought microwave meals at a 7-Eleven by the bus station. It was awesome and I was very proud of myself for staying calm and looking around myself for options.

Well that is VERY Snake secondary.

I generally take a long time making decisions when it’s not a crisis situation, because I have to *weigh all the options*, but I often end up in analysis paralysis. Crunch time is where I really shine as a decision-maker.

Snake again. From what I’m seeing, your Bird is a fantastic toy, but actually kind of makes you miserable when you have to depend on it for the important stuff. (studying, your job, making important decisions)

All of this long post is to say, I’m not sure whether my Bird secondary is a fun model that got repurposed into an executive dysfunction compensation tool and anxiety/depression soother to supplement my Snake secondary

I think you hit the nail straight on the head right there. 

 or if Bird is my true secondary and Snake is a model that I learned from my dad and brother + characters I admire in media 

oh your favorite characters are Snake secondaries are they? That’s a big tell.

and that I use when I fail to plan adequately given my executive dysfunction. 

Executive dysfunction is a whole thing, but you don’t have to “”plan adequately”” for everything.

I find both fun and both useful, but I’m not sure which is innate and which is the model! 

My money is on snake secondary, Bird secondary model. 

#submission #sortinghatchats #wisteria sorts #sortme #double snake #snake primary #snake secondary #bird secondary model #family dynamics

[fandomshatelgbtqpeople]

On Loki (or I take too long to get to the point but I promise it’s a good one)

So, I saw someone on my dash claiming that people shipping Loki/Sylvie were invalidating genderfluid people and that anyone who disagreed with them or continued to ship it was “ignoring the voices of genderfluid people.”

Let me get this out of the way, I really don’t give a shit whether you’re okay with Loki/Sylvie. Literally could not care less. And while some of the points I’m going to go over while dismantling this person’s argument overlap with the reasons I personally don’t have a problem with it, that is not what this post is about. We will not be having an argument about whether “selfcest” is okay on this blog. I do not care whether or not you’re into that.

But, as another genderfluid person, their argument made no sense and the fact that they were lambasting anyone who pointed that out as being fluidphobic pissed me off, so I’m going to use it as an example of something I’ve been wanting to talk about for a while. And to be clear, people can feel how they feel personally and I’m not saying anyone should go tell this person that how they personally feel is wrong, but feelings are often irrational and if they’re going to claim that something is invalidating to genderfluid people as a whole, there needs to be some logic there.

On Loki and genderfluidity

Making the point I want to make requires me to explain the thought processes a non-genderfluid person could use to dissect this argument.

This person’s argument was that shipping Loki and Sylvie invalidated genderfluid people because it reinforces the stereotype that a genderfluid people become a different person when their gender changes. Here’s why that doesn’t make sense to me:

There’s actually no evidence right now that Loki and Sylvie even are different versions of the same person.

Even if they are different versions of the same person, they’re two distinct characters as opposed to “our” Loki as a man and “our” Loki as a woman.

As far as I’m aware, that is not actually even a widespread stereotype about genderfluid people. This was literally the first time I’d ever heard of that idea.

Starting with #1, we don’t know enough about Sylvie or any of the other Lokis’ origins to know whether they have any kind of genetic relationship. For all we know, the Odinsons adopted a completely different kid in each of these universes. The different ages and races of the variants suggest something like this (unless they all turn out to be a shapeshifted Tom Hiddleston, in which case we’ll have other, more important things to talk about). My point here is that we just don’t have enough information to know whether they’re different spins on the same person or completely different people altogether. Sylvie also might not even end up being a Loki. There’s all kind of people in Marvel pretending to be other people. All I’m saying is that you have to make a lot of assumptions to get to “they are different versions of the same person” in the first place. A non-genderfluid person is just as capable of recognizing that as a genderfluid person is.

To address #2, we’ll accept for a moment that all the different Lokis are different versions of the same person. Even if that’s true, the characters are not one person who’s gender fluctuates or changes like a gender fluid person’s does. They’re two separate characters with different genders, one of whom has been confirmed as genderfluid. If we accept that treating these characters like two different people invalidates genderfluid people--which again, I strongly disagree with--then it’s not shipping them together that’s invalidating. It’s the fact that they interact at all. Romantic relationships are not the only kind of relationships that require multiple participants. This would also imply that any story where parents from one universe adopt a son and the same parents from a different universe adopt a daughter would invalidate genderfluid people if the narrative acknowledges them as different people.

Finally, a character being two versions of the same person has never stopped fandom from shipping them regardless of gender (see: the Onceler, the Doctor, mirror-verse Star Trek characters), so trying to make this into something that’s only happening because they’re different genders is kind of ridiculous, and once you lose that, you lose the connection to genderfluidity. Again, you don’t have to be genderfluid to recognize that there’s a difference between two characters with different genders and one genderfluid person.

#3 is the only point that I’ll acknowledge is easier to understand if you’re genderfluid. Genderfluid people are just more likely to know what the stereotypes are. That said, if you’ve been involved in conversations about queerness in media for years and someone is telling you a character reinforces a stereotype you’ve never heard of before, run a google search! See if you can find anyone other than this one person discussing it! To double-check myself, I ran a search on genderfluid stereotypes and didn’t find any mention of the idea that a genderfluid person becomes a different person when their gender changes.

Now, it’s entirely possible that someone in the OP’s life does have that misconception. That doesn’t mean it’s a widespread negative stereotype that media or fandom have a responsibility to avoid. The Half of It probably reinforces somebody’s mom’s idea that lesbians can only be friends with boys, but that doesn’t actually mean there’s anything wrong with it. It’s impossible to avoid every potential misconception, especially since we have no way of knowing what all of them are. The OP may very well legitimately feel invalidated by the whole thing, but that doesn’t make it invalidating to the group at large (and it also doesn’t make it objectively wrong).

So what’s my actual point?

You know all those posts starting to go around about how “listening to marginalized voices” doesn’t actually mean “take everything every marginalized person you come across says as the gospel truth,” how that’s actually dehumanizing and forces marginalized people to do all the work for you, and at some point you actually have to use your own critical thinking skills to decide what you believe in? Every time I look through the notes of those posts, there’s tons of people going “I don’t know how tho” or “I’m afraid to be wrong.”

This is a simple example of why it’s important (another example is all the people who were mislead into attacking artists over various lesbian flag designs in 2018-19), and hopefully this post is an okay explanation of how to get started.

Start with what you know. These are the points we started with here. You may recognize some of them from other common bad arguments floating around:

This argument is premised on an issue I’ve never heard of despite being in a position to know about it. -> “I’ve been in and out of nonbinary spaces and helping run a blog about queer representation in media for years and I’ve never heard of anyone thinking genderfluid people become a different person when their gender changes. I did some research and it doesn’t look like anyone else has heard of it either.”

This concept doesn’t mean what this person is saying it means. -> “The OP is saying a ship between two different characters is fluidphobic because they have different genders. That doesn’t make sense.”

This person is relying on assumptions without evidence that they’re accurate. -> “This argument relies on Sylvie being (1) a Loki, and (2) a different version of ‘our’ Loki. Either of these things could easily not be true.”

This position is internally inconsistent. -> “How does shipping two characters imply that you think of them as different people in a way that, for example, referring to them as brother and sister doesn’t?”

This position conflicts with information you know to be true independently. -> “The OP is claiming that shipping two characters means you think of them as different people but I’ve personally witnessed multiple popular fandoms spring up around shipping a character with themselves,” and “This argument relies on a widespread willingness to accept that a person can have multiple personalities, but people with DID (at least in the US) actually struggle with a widespread perception among both laypeople and psychologists that multiple personalities don’t exist.”

Following this logic to its natural conclusion leads you to a position that’s ridiculous -> “If treating Loki and Sylvie like two distinct people is fluidphobic, that means any story where a family adopts a son in one universe and a daughter in the other is fluidphobic unless they’re treated by the narrative and fandom like the same person” and “If treating genetically identical people of different genders as distinct people is fluidphobic, wouldn’t that also make Orphan Black fluidphobic for treating the clone who was a trans man like a distinct character, since he’s not the same gender as the others?”

This person is making proclamations about how other people think and feel without evidence. -> “The OP is assuming everyone who ships Loki/Sylvie must be taking the position that they’re distinct people because OP personally would never ship anyone with themselves.”

This person is generalizing how they feel about something to how everyone feels. -> “OP leapt to the conclusion that shipping Loki/Sylvie invalidates genderfluid people in general because it hits on their own insecurities as a genderfluid person.”

This person is throwing accusations and ad hominem attacks instead of engaging with legitimate counterpoints. -> “Multiple people pointed out that the OP was relying on several assumptions that might be wrong. Instead of responding to this point, the OP called them ‘weirdos’ and accused them of ‘speaking over genderfluid people.’” (This is not the same thing as making a post and then not engaging with the notes at all. That’s a legitimate choice.)

There is a motive to mislead the reader. -> “The point OP is making isn’t actually about genderfluid people and is in fact, ‘You’re a bad person for shipping Loki/Sylvie.’ Not liking the ship seems like a clear ulterior motive to make this argument, and I’ve definitely seen fandoms weaponize representation issues during ship wars before.”

That’s a lot of flags! All of these are reasons you should be skeptical of an argument and seek out other points of view or other people with the same point of view who are willing to address these concerns, but the last two are major red flags that, combined with any yellow flags, signal the person you’re listening to is not speaking in good faith and is not a good source of information. 

Listening to marginalized voices means making an effort to seek out the perspectives of marginalized people on issues that affect them and taking those perspectives into account in shaping your own opinion. It does not mean taking every post made by anyone who is (or says they are--people lie on the internet) x identity as the gospel truth and never doing any thinking of your own. Hopefully these tips will help all of you prevent yourselves from getting dragged into and used as a mouthpiece for positions that make no sense after a few minutes of thought.

Edit: Apparently Loki is canonically genderfluid now?? Anyway, I think I got all the references to him not being genderfluid removed. Sylvie may or may not be but we’re not getting into that here.

#ableism mention #critical thinking #long post #mod k #loki

[victorromeofox-blog]

VRF Website and Community

VRF Website and Community - Soft Opening Coming Soon!

I've been a little less active here in the last little bit, but have been working behind the scenes to build up the VRF website and planning around community-building.  I'm just about ready to start opening the site to semi-public access and start inviting trusted people to the Discord within the next week!  There is some information below introducing some of the content and features of the site and Discord server.  Please contact me (Ask or email preferred) if you would like access - I recommend reading the rest of this post before you do, but it is not required.

If you’re looking to better understand BDSM and kink, participate in a community of rational, respectful, and conscientious kink practitioners, and contribute to protecting, uplifting, and helping others - while still enjoying some fantasies - you are exactly the type of person who would be a great fit for this space.

If you’re “just here for the porn”, this website and community are not going to be what you’re looking for.  They are specifically a pushback against that very mentality, and the rampant toxicity and problematic discourse in the online BDSM/kink space, especially CNC kink, and your needs will be better met elsewhere.  Same goes for those who are just out to get nudes, roleplay online, organize hookups, or find a submissive - there are other spaces geared toward that.

In the meantime, I'd like to explain what this all means to me, where VRF is headed next, and what factors I'm taking into consideration as I continue.  This is going to be a fairly reflective post - almost like a letter of intent - but I'm putting it out there primarily for transparency and also for those of you who want some insight into my thoughts and process.

VRF - A Quick Recap

When I started VRF in 2015, I didn't really have a goal.  I was just looking to curate the kinds of porn I enjoyed the most on Tumblr and occasionally added some captions that came to mind as I did - and accidentally cultivated a sizeable following.  As the blog grew and began to have more interactions with others on the network, I realized that I couldn't stay in-persona all the time - not without sending a potentially dangerous message - so I started answering asks and giving advice out of character, as myself.  These "real" interactions, as well as the reality checks that kept rolling in, set the tone for what VRF would become - and made me feel much more comfortable with running a blog featuring questionable content.

I stepped away from the blog and went on hiatus in 2016; I saw a sharp rise in hateful, bigoted, and violent voices online and no longer felt comfortable that my posts would remain firmly in the realm of fantasy for the majority of readers.  Although the original @violent-rape-fantasies was terminated in 2019, I made a fairly complete backup of the entire blog before it went down.  I returned in late 2020 to start again from scratch, try to rebuild my following, and reconnect with the community - that effort was terminated by Tumblr in 2021, leading me to the two blogs I currently have (@VictorRomeoFox-blog / @violent-rape-fantasies-2​) and to create a self-hosted website containing the original VRF archives with major quality-of-life improvements to the Tumblr experience.

This process made me consider what my goals are for VRF, how I want to achieve them, and what promises I make to the community as part of that journey.  

VRF - Mission and Values

VRF's mission is to be a safe, inclusive, and collaborative space that promotes affirmative consent, healthy relationships, and conscientious kink, where consenting adults can explore their kinks, enjoy fictional fantasies, and uplift one another without overbearing guilt or shame.

Let me quickly break some of this down:

safe: I want people to feel comfortable consuming and interacting with me and my content - not only the kinks and acts depicted in the fantasies, but in the entirety of the space that VRF projects, including knowing that their personhood, privacy, anonymity, and emotional safety are important to me.

inclusive: although I focus primarily on male-on-female scenarios, people from all walks of life are welcome so long as they are good citizens of the community and conscientious kink practitioners.  This also means rejecting hate, bigotry, and willful ignorance.

collaborative: VRF is discursive, both in-persona and out-of-character; the content and direction I take is often influenced by the conversations I have with followers, the asks and submissions I receive, and the state of the community as I see it.  I want to always be in conversation with the community to understand its needs and goals so that I can better meet them.

affirmative consent: as discussed in a previous post, I highlight affirmative consent because it centers around positive action as opposed to consent, which can be a passive state.  I believe this is critical for conscientious kink.

healthy relationships: the relationships we hold shape who we are, who we become, and how we interact with the world around us.  I believe that healthy relationships build healthier, happier lives - this concerns all relationships, from friendships to families to romantic or sexual partnerships.  I have seen less emphasis in this community on relationships, and interpersonal interactions in general, and think that this is a major oversight.

conscientious kink: kink can be dangerous or harmful when not practiced with care and consideration - not just for physical health, but for mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.  It requires reflection, introspection, and communication in order to form intentionality - the understanding behind what you do, how you do it, and why you do it.

reducing guilt: this is one of the concerns I get most often from followers - how to reconcile their guilt for enjoying consensual non-consent, and whether it is morally wrong or an indication that something is wrong with them.  I believe that CNC, like most kinks, can be practiced in a conscientious way to reduce and mitigate the potential dangers, but that it requires consistent effort, education, and research.

Aside from these, I identified values which are important for me to maintain in order to meet the mission.  Some of them are:

transparency: I try to be as transparent as I can, while maintaining my privacy and anonymity, so that people know that I have nothing to hide.  I cannot build a safe space without building trust, and I can’t build trust without being honest and transparent.

leadership by example: if I am positioning myself as a resource and giving advice to others, I must embody the values I put forward and lead by example, not by words; otherwise, what I say is worthless and lacks substance.

data- and research-driven: I want to provide people with a deeper understanding of themselves and their kinks; while anecdotal information can at times be helpful, I want the things I posit to have weight and justification behind them.  This means an intersection of data, research, and analysis around all of the factors involved, including moral philosophy, psychology, sociology, and biology.

care and patience: these kinks are difficult and hurtful to some people, and confusing or conflicting to others.  I need to be caring, considerate, and patient in order for people to feel comfortable engaging with my content and interacting with me.

contextualized: these kinks and fantasies don’t exist in a vacuum and must be contextualized in order to remain conscientious of the relationship it maintains to the real world.  This means that I don’t want fantasies misrepresented as reality or reality misconstrued as fantasy, and the onus is on me to ensure that followers are seeing both sides of the equation.

quality over quantity: I have a limited amount of time that I can dedicate to VRF work, and want to make the best possible use of that time.  I want to focus on high-quality content, both in-persona fantasies and out-of-character advice, research, and resources, without worrying about how much or how frequently I’m posting.  It also means that I care far less about the number of followers and viewers I have, and much more about whether I am cultivating the kind of followers that match my vision for VRF and its community.

There are other factors and values as well, but these are the biggest ones for me.  They drive how I present myself, how I interact with the community, and what kinds of content I put forth.

VRF Website - Content and Features

What does the website allow me to do that I couldn’t on Tumblr?

No censorship, frustrating filters, or threat of termination - I can focus on my content without running into blockers at every turn, or worrying that I’m going to lose all my work without warning.

Better content controls, organization, and layout - I can group posts logically and have different ways for users to access and view them instead of being one monolithic stream of posts.

Tagging and search - I’ve tagged my archive with kinks, features, toys, actions, positions, locations, and more to make it easier to both find content that you want to see and avoid content that you don’t.  The VRF site features granular search controls, including tag combinations, so you can engage with the site how you choose.

Random Post/Random Caption - sometimes, you’re in the mood to mix things up.  Instead of seeing a temporally-sorted feed of posts, you can go to a random post or caption from the menu bar.

Clear disclaimers and view control - instead of my content being blended into a sea of posts, which creates difficulty in carving out that safe cognitive space for engaging with these kinks or necessitates rapid context-switching, all of my posts will be in one central repository with clear disclaimers where I have control over how things are viewed.

The VRF Archive - the content from the original @violent-rape-fantasies blog have been restored to the VRF website.

There are some downsides, of course - like the lack of network discovery, limited server space and resources, cost, maintenance, and effort.  But the benefits greatly outweigh the additional overhead.

VRF Community

What’s the VRF Discord community all about?

This is a new idea I’m playing with - I’m not new to Discord or community management, but combining that with VRF is a new endeavor for me.  Since I’m going to be shifting my focus from Tumblr to the VRF website, some of those network and community interactions from Tumblr will move to Discord instead, such as interacting with followers, taking requests, feedback, and suggestions, and delving deeper into kink philosophy, fantasy, and practice.

I’ve set up the Discord in a way that different sections can be partitioned - like general discussion, BDSM/kink discussion, CNC fantasies, member content (submissions), and so on.  The different sections are accessible to different levels of membership and verification to maintain that safe, inclusive, and collaborative space.  For example, agreeing to the rules and guidelines gives you access to the general discussion section; verifying your age gives you access to BDSM- and kink-related sections; and being an active and trusted member who contributes to the server over time gets you access to the private sections.

This will also be a much easier way to get in contact with me, and keep the majority of my interactions with the community in one place, instead of hunting across Tumblr messenger for both my accounts, Asks, Twitter, Discord DMs, Telegram, Kik, and email.

VRF - Next Steps and Future Work

In the next few weeks, the VRF website and Discord community will soft-open and move toward general opening.  This is a new direction for me, but after assessing my priorities and goals, it is the solution best suited for what I want to achieve.  I will continue to use Tumblr, but will likely be focusing the majority of my time on the website and Discord.

The mission and values I’ve identified leave quite a bit of room to explore various ways to express these kinks and share knowledge.  I’m not hard-set on VRF being a blog with porn and captions, and could see changes or pivots in the future.  I would love for this work to be able to generate some modest revenue in the future in order to cover basic operating costs, support survivors of abuse as well as kink education and safety, and commission custom content.  As an aside, if you read all of this, please start your request for access with the word “potato” in all caps to let me know you got this far.

I also want to move toward a more ethical and sustainable model of captions and fantasies.  My first step toward this is in creating gifs myself and fully crediting the source, which I started doing when I returned from hiatus.  Concurrently, I am working with my partner, who is an artist, to develop illustrations and animations to accompany captions instead of commercial pornography - we’re still in the R&D phase for this, but hope to share some early content soon (including a fantasy and sketch that we’re working on to accompany a follower submission).  Ideally, we would be able to collaborate with submitters and sex workers to create fully original, credited, and compensated content - but that’s a huge stretch goal for the future.

We are also considering other formats for fantasy and knowledge delivery, including a visual novel format or interactive media (i.e., games) if the art development turns out well and proves sustainable.  We’re both fairly busy people in our personal and professional lives, and in situations where we have to maintain a fairly strict separation between kink involvement and our everyday lives, so carving out time for VRF work is challenging at times!

I look forward to seeing folks on the VRF website and Discord community soon!

#vrf #blog #website #community #about

[hamilsquadwritings]

The Flowers (Philip Hamilton Soulmate AU) ~ part 2 ~

A Soulmate AU in which flowers bloom from your left ring finger, coiling up and around your body, Identical to your soulmates. They stop growing when you meet and turn white when you get together

(I decided to work on an old idea I had on my old blog @stargazelaurens and develop it properly)

Words- 1.85k

Warnings- Eacker being a tool

Tag list {omg people want to be tagged?!<33}: @angelicl-y @popbubblegumpop @elizabethgrace459

{{let me know if you wanna be added!!}}

Things were going.. okay? 

It was a few weeks later and you'd gone out with George more times. You were really beginning to like him, your parents of course liked him. Your sister however.. she felt there was something off about him. She couldn't put it into words however so you pushed it aside to focus on trying to make it work. It helped you have someone to take your mind off of Philip. He'd often be at your house with your sister so it was nice to head out with George.

He'd taken you out to the gardens, for dinner, to the market, but not back to his parents home. Well until last night. He’d invited you to dinner with your parents. It had started off well. They'd be pleasant, even a little warm which made you feel happy, maybe you'd have a relationship with them. After dinner his mother suggested that he give you a tour of the estate, his family was rich so it was a lengthy tour. You were happy to learn more about it, so far it was be surface level questions you'd asked about him, and he about you.  He started the tour with the gardens, they were beautiful, his mother had a vegetable patch that she was incredible proud of, she also had a pink and red rose bush that had been in the family for over 100 years, all the family wedding bouquets were picked from that bush. Next was the library, it was incredible, far more impressive than you'd ever seen, you could spend hours just counting the books let alone reading them. Every place he showed you were prettier than the last. Until you got to his room and the small room next to it. 

____

"This will be your room once we get married, we've have a bathroom through there," he said pointing at the second door in the room "and three maids set out for you to help and assist as you need. You'll be able to roam the grounds as you please, when we don't have guests of course. And you'll come to events with me and when I have time off you'll be able to leave with me-" you had cut him off mid ramble 

"Wait- I won't be able to leave on my own?" You asked in disbelief, he couldnt serious could he?

"Well of course not, you're not some common girl-" he started

"What about seeing my friends? And my family?" Your asked quickly

"I'll be your family" he replied simply

"I'd like to go home" you replied and turn to move, he grabs your arm to stop you getting any closer to the door 

"Listen" he said, leaning really close "you don't get to decide, you're going to be MY wife which means you if don't to do as I say- STOP IT!" He yelled as you struggled against him. You continued to struggle so he let go, striking you across your cheek, you landed on the floor in shock. He looked down at you in disgust "I've been nice these last few days to settle you into our way of life since your father let's you live on such a loose lead but I won't tolerate it. If you want it the hard way we can. Get. Up."

______

That's how you ended up in the carriage. You'd been given a moment to compose yourself before returning to the dinning room for tea with your "husband" and "parents". Your new family..

After tea and biscuits George called for a carriage 

"I can get myself home.." you mumble but he follows you into the carriage anyway. 

"I'm taking you home, you shouldn't be out on your own" he says "you won't be after next month anyway.." he says

"Next month?" You ask meeting his eyes for the first time this evening "what..?"

"Our wedding of course.. the date was set last night, the 13th.." he says. The 13th? That was a little less than three weeks away! "Oh? I guess your father hadn't told you.." 

"Uh, no.." you respond quietly, you couldn't let that happen, they couldn't take you away from your sister and Theo! 

The carriage ride home was quiet. George had tried to talk to you a couple of times, quickly giving up when you wouldn't respond. He didn't mind humoring you, you'd be his in less than three weeks, then you wouldn't be able to ignore him. As soon as the carriage arrived you shot out, walking down the path, not even replying when he said goodnight. 

"Hi" a soft voice says from behind you causing you to jump "sorry!" Philip says quickly "I didn't mean to startle you! Your parents went out for the evening and (s/n) is getting ready for- what's wrong?' he asks when he sees your panic stricken face 

"Where is everyone..?" You ask your self once you get inside. You couldn't see either of your parents or your sisters. All the downstairs lights were off.

"I'm getting married.." you whisper, shaking your head quickly when he smiles "they- they won't let me see my family after the wedding.. they have a little room I have to stay in and-" 

"Oh (y/n).." Philip says softly, wrapping his arms around you quickly. You fell against him with tears in your eyes "that's really unfair.." he didn't know what to say, it was more than unfair but he didn't know how to comfort you. He hadn't had much interaction with you over the past few weeks. Sure he'd spent a lot of time at your house but he'd either been with your sister or you'd been out you with George. Angelica would tell him a lot about you, mainly how nice and lovely you were. Philip had graduated school last summer, and you'd finished just before He'd met your sister. He'd always remember the day you'd gone into the debate club, you'd destroyed Jefferson's son on your first turn, he knew you'd make a great addition to the team. He'd left the team in your capable hands last year, just as you'd left the team in the capable hands of his little brother last month after you'd graduated.

"I-I’m sorry" you said quickly pulling away from him, what were you doing hugging and crying all over your sister fiance

"It's okay I promise" he says reassuringly as he pats your back gently as your sister appears at the top of the stair case

"(Y/n)??" She asks as she descends the stairs, her worry for your clear across her features "what's happened?" She asks as she pulls you close, her arms wrapping around your protectively. Philip sits with you and your sister as you explain everything that had happened that evening. 

By the time you'd finished your sister was shaking with rage, Philip had had to get her a glass of water and physically hold her back from standing up. He knew if she got to the door she would've marched over, well called a carriage, to the Eacker’s estate to give him and his parents a piece of her mind. NO ONE treated her little sister badly, not a single person.

"There's got to be something we can do.." Philip says softly as the room goes quiet in thought

"You're not marrying him" your sister declared after a few seconds, over her dead body would she let her baby sister be mistreated. How dare that- she was pulled from her thoughts by your voice

"I don't have a choice Daddy-" you start

"No, if I have to marry for his business and power you should have too" she says cutting you off, she gives Philip a sympathetic smile but he nods and smiles gently. He already knew, he'd met Theo a few days after their first date. He'd been with (S/N) when Theo had spotted her in the market and came running over to say hi. He'd made that connection pretty quickly.. it was a shame because he was really beginning to like (S/N), it was okay though, maybe if she was off with Theo it would give him a chance to look for his soulmate.. they had to be out there right? Little did he know she was sat across from him

"(S/N) there's nothing you can do.. he's already decided and they've set a wedding date.." you sigh softly, your eyes filling with more tears as your sister hugs you quickly to comfort you

"What if..." Philip says softly as he looks at the wall, he turns to your both, a small glint in his eye, could he have the answer? "I convinced my dad to call off our engagement unless your parents call off the Eackers?" 

"They.. they might go for that.." your sister says as she thinks it over 

"Y-youd do that for me?" You asks Philip quickly, you were in shock. You'd been actively avoiding Philip and he was willing to do this for you?!

"Of course" he says quickly, a little too quickly, he blushes lightly hoping neither you nor your sister would notice. Your eyes fill with more tears as you hug him, your emotions over powering you. How was it that your sister was going to marry such an amazing guy she didn't even want and you were stuck with Eacker. Well maybe not, hopefully you wouldn't be stuck with Eacker but it still pained you that Philip was promised to your sister, especially when she already had Theo..

"That's a really good idea.." your sister smiles as she hugs Philip 

You spent the rest of the evening in your room with Philip and your sister, working together to come up with a plan. Philip would explain the situation first to his mother, putting great emphasis on how worried he was for your safety. She would be appalled at George's actions and would immediately tell Slexander, he wasn't sure how his father would react. Either he'd pull the engagement because if this got out it would be bad for your father which would be bad for him, or he would cut contact for moral reasons. Anyone who could allow their child to be imprisoned like that was NOT someone he wanted his family to be associated with. 

Meanwhile your sister would talk to your parents, explaining the situation from a protective older sisters view. She would explain how she'd found you crying and had finally managed to coax out the story of the evenings events. She would demand that they cut the engagement or she'd refuse to marry Philip. If he didn't want to cut off the Eackers’ then she'd give Philip the okay to talk to his mum and set the second plan in motion. 

"You really think it'll work..?" You ask nervously wiping the tears. A small smile breaks out when they nods reassuringly. 

You only hoped that it would work, the thought of marrying a man who would lock his wife away I a room made you sick to your stomach..

#hamilton #hamilton imagine #Philip Hamilton #philip hamilton x reader #hamilton x reader #hamilton musical #Anthony Ramos #TheFlowersAU

[rpbetter]

Let me get this straight.. a roleplay resource/meme blog decide to screenshot someone's rules and call them out because of what they wrote? when obviously those who follow them could easily tell. Frist of all whatever rule someone wrote isn't there for one to go out of their way to bad mouth them. If there's something in a persons rule I don't like I'll be an adult and move the fuck on, not screenshot it and drag their name through the dirt. Christ! at this point I don't trust no one who runs those resource/meme blogs. They might hurt someone else with their nosy asses. And that Raven person needs to grow the hell up and stop playing the victim. Do something else with their life, stop living off the internet.

Yep, you've got Phase One down straight, Anon.

And the rest of what you've said is was what got multiple other people called out or differently aggressed at, that's what the response was to the rules being posted and...we're going to say opined on for the point of shaming.

You're right and they were right as well. It doesn't matter how strict or aggressive someone is in their rules, if you find that or anything else about them objectionable, that RPer is obviously not for you. That's a very important part of reading a RPer's rules, it isn't just about their reply speed, preferred topics, or tagging needs. It's also about gauging whether this is a person you're going to work out with or not based on both the actual rules themselves and how you feel about the way they're presented.

You just ascertain that, feel as annoyed or salty or even offended as you so desire, and move on. Like an adult.

It was never going to be that way, though, Raven specifically went to that blog to be a nuisance and call them out. They were already invested in doing so from a perspective of having decided this RPer was being ableist because a post that reflected the statements made in those rules far more nicely and more applicable to their followers was taken that way. Somehow. Raven took it upon themselves to ignore that the mun did make multiple statements regarding the entire thing, including polite ones when their post wasn't being reblogged with maximum hostility and accusations and constant throwing around of the statement "full stop" like lol please, take your own advice. Because, yep, full stop it's valid to have whatever opinion you do, it isn't valid to jump on someone's post like that and be upset when they aren't nice to you about it.

Also took it upon themselves to ignore that the mun is also autistic, which was the crux of Raven being a dick about it. This isn't fair to ND people, you're being ableist, it is my holy mission to decide who and what is ableist, broker no discussion from anyone that doesn't support my behavior, because I'm autistic and this upsets me personally. Probably because that mun doesn't repeatedly make it a big deal on their blog and on their every PSA. Making a not wild assumption there, since I don't either, and I was also an ableist swine for disagreeing. At the same time that I like myself too much, I hate ND people lol if you figure that one out, let me know.

That's been a lot of the issue here. Many if not most of the muns they ended up doing the most damage to are mentally ill, autistic, chronically ill, and so on. It was fully irrelevant to Raven and Co, despite all of them espousing that we never know what is going on in the lives of others.

That's why we really need to just feel whatever we're feeling and not interact instead of going on a crusade.

As you said, this RPer's mutuals, writing partners, and friends were all quite aware of their rules. Those rules have existed for the better part of four or five years as they are today, the people who have chosen to interact are on the same page with them, and it must be working out well. After all, Rules Mun was so deep in enjoying their hobby that it took a random, concerned, good resource/help blog they reblog from often telling them that their rules were being drug around the RPC quite a bit after the fact for them to know. I'd say that would probably mean their interactions and friendships weren't exactly negatively impacted by their tone.

And those people, as well as former writing partners and mutuals-in-law very much did know it was that mun's rules, yeah. You really have shot yourself in the foot when RPers with some animosity between each other take issue with what you've done to one of them, and that did actually happen as well. People knew.

Furthermore, since that mun didn't know for some time, even if they had been inclined to change the rules to appear like it wasn't them for the sake of anonymity, it wouldn't have been hard to find them. It was still identical to how it appeared Raven's posts (yes, posts, multiple), the mun was already getting shit for their PSA from the same group, and like everyone else, has an identifiable pattern in their OOC speech. They were quite identifiable.

In no way was not just dropping the URL doing anyone any favors. It was just keeping that mun from going directly to Raven and being the polar opposite of myself in the way I tried to address it. Like everything else, it was Raven insulating Raven while trying to incite bullying and bullshit.

Sadly, I agree with you on the meme/resource blogs. I can think of such a small handful of them that I feel are trustworthy adults not interested in stirring up trouble. I'd love to recommend them, but at this point, I'm really afraid of mentioning anyone directly in a positive way. I would feel so horrible if I said, "hey, everyone, the following meme muns are helpful, have a great reputation, and are very nice people, please give them a follow if you haven't already" and it ended up in them losing followers or gaining harassment because I said it.

I don't reblog many memes because that isn't my primary function here, but when I do find those that I feel are very unique, helpful to muse development, and so on, I don't reblog from sources that give me red flags. So, that's probably a good clue!

I'm just sorry this is such an environment of mistrust and bad will, it so easily can be otherwise by doing precisely as you've said. We've all a right to having issues with things, we even have the right to argue with each other, but we don't have the right to turn it into bullying and mob rule. When you have a blog that isn't your more private space of a RP blog, you're taking on a responsibility to be a bit better than giving in to our actual worst inclinations. It's just even worse because this entire experience proves that there are far more RPers here who feel the way you do. It really is a comparative handful of muns out there pulling this kind of shit, but unfortunately, that's all it takes when they're engaging in full-time harassment campaigns and extremely loud about it.

Thanks for being one of the many adults here, Anon! I promise you're not as alone as it seems. We all just tend to be far quieter.

#vespertine #answered #anonymous #drama cw

[selfshipeventhall]

Selfship Con 2020: End!

Thank you all so, so much for making this thing come alive and thrive. It warmed my heart to see people come together and support one another. It reminded me of what I love so much about this community. Thank you.

I would personally like to thank @scroogesspouse @selfship-loving and @perseverancex-self-shipping for your help with this con. Without you it might not have worked out the way it did. I appreciate each and every single one of you for what you did.

And finally, lets close this year’s con with a Q&A from the wonderful @coulromantism or better known as Simon to many of you out there. Simon has been here since 2016 and that to me is really special. He’s seen this community grow and become what it is, so lets hear what he has to say as a longtime member!

Mod: So, how long have you seen selfshipping for?

Simon: well, i've been selfshipping for my whole life basically!! going as far back as i can remember, i've always had crushes on characters and imagined myself with them. i started selfshipping online when i was around 10, on deviantart, but i wasn't in the community until i found it on tumblr, in early 2017 :o)

Mod: THAT'S REALLY GREAT. I'm glad that you've felt comfortable with it and enjoy yourself.Who was your first F/O ?

Simon: tysm!! ^_^ tbh i can't really remember who my very first f/o was, since i began selfshipping so long ago.... one of the earliest that i can remember is ragetti, from pirates of the caribbean, when i was maybe 8 or so? my first public selfship (on deviantart!) was with slenderman, and then my first f/o when i joined the community on tumblr was freddy krueger!

Mod: Good choices over all!! So what was it like for you when you first started in the community? What made you wanna join and stay?

Simon: my first introduction to the community was a blog for general selfship positivity and community stuff called @selfshiplove if i remember correctly! i was so excited to find other people who selfshipped like me, and i'd send them tons of anon asks, until i eventually made my own blog and joined servers and stuff. i mean, prior to that, i was basically thinking about my f/os all the time, but i had no one to talk to about it. so of course when i found the community i had to join it haha. being able to finally share such a big part of yourself with other people, it's sort of a life-changing experience!! and i loved listening to other talk about their f/os and selfships, as well. i made friends, and of course that made me want to stay in the community even more ^^

Mod: Your experience sounds pretty positive!What do you suggest for people that are afraid to be open about self shipping or just about joining us in general??

Simon: i feel very happy and lucky to have found the community the way i did ^_^ i know thats a little cliché, but tbh, just try to enjoy yourself, and focus on nothing but that!! i see a lot of selfshippers (not just new selfshippers tbh!!) worry about so many things: that their content won't be good enough, that their f/os are weird, that their gush posts are unnecessary, that they'll be judged for their selfships or the way they selfship.... and those things hold them back. but know that none of them are worth worrying about!!! ik that ignoring such anxieties is easier said than done, but i reallly encourage you to actually put yourself out there; make those "unnecessary" gushing posts, talk about your unconventional f/os, post your content even if youre not 100% confident about it (ofc, you dont have to push urself too much!).... even if it's a slow process, little by little. you'll realise that judgement, disapproval for these things will never come to you. tldr, there are no rules to selfshipping, no "standards" you have to meet; you're always good enough, your content is always good enough; nothing about you, your faves, or your selfships is worth being ashamed about, ever. don't be scared to put urself out there: ik selfshipping is an incredibly personal experience, so you're likely to put up more barriers, bcus talking abt this stuff feeld vulnerable; but i promise that in this community, despite its faults, you will be met with overwhelming love and support. some less general advice for new selfshippers would be to find other selfshippers who have f/os from the same source as you, since it'll be easier for you to engage & interact w each other's content that way. you'll be able to find community within community, and hopefully that'll also help you feel better about selfshipping & becoming more open about it. i really hope that was helpful!!! :o)

Mod: I really like the way you put this. I think this is something a lot of people need to hear.In what ways has the community changed from back then?

Simon: well, i don't remember everything abt what the community used to be like, but i think it grew a LOT, in size, i mean. i feel like the selfship community on tumblr used to be pretty small, but now theres like, thousands of us!!! maybe thats anecdotal, but i feel like selfship content in general gets more attention/notes than it used to, and there are more "popular" blogs now. i also feel like theres more of a sense of community than there used to be; at least thats my impression. not that there wasnt one before!!! but now, we have so many more general blogs for prompts, quotes, promos, art.... we have events, takeovers (thx to people like u!!!).... we adress the issues within the community.... its really cool to see this community start thriving so much over the years!!! ^_^

Mod: How does selfshipping effect your life in general outside of Tumblr?

Simon: ofc np!!! ^_^ well, since selfshipping is smth that i think about a LOT, it has a big effect on my life, obvs!!! id say the biggest thing is trying to make my faves proud, impressed, that sort of stuff. i personally don't always have a lot of drive in life, if that makes sense? and its nice to have something that motivates me to work, improve myself, that sort of stuff, and it keeps me going during tough times as well. and in general it just makes me very happy n it completes me. so thats why selfshipping is very important to me :o)

Thank you so much to Simon for this interview about what he enjoys the most about the community and also to all of you for making it so great.

Stay tuned for the next event <3

#selfship con 2020 #this was so much fun #thank you all so much #q&a

[ariyadaivaris]

i am putting this one under the cut. it’s a little too much to have out in the open, haha

i've been kind of expecting to have to write something like this for awhile. i mean, Nothing Lasts Forever, obviously, and this being primarily about 205, we've always been on the edge of it ending just because it's 205. so, i've always had the idea of what the end of this thing that holds a disproportionate amount of meaning to me would look like in the back of my mind. and it's been fizzling out for a bit. there's been some time to prepare. not that i HAVE prepared, but there's been some time to.

i don't really need to say 205 is important to me. it is! it's important to me in a way that is incredibly pathetic and strange. even after withdrawing somewhat, after losing enthusiasm and becoming a bit too paranoid to settle into enjoyment, after deciding to not say every thought that crosses my mind about the cruiserweights (which is still like, 90% of my brain activity, unfortunately), 205 has a hold on me like very few things have had. 205 is where i kind of sharpened my eye for characters and storytelling (and where i learned to see those things where they do not exist, lol), 205 is where i've met a lot of people who i consider sincerely very important to me, it is like... okay. listen. it's hard to say! because i feel like, this blog itself is kind of evidence of all i could say. i don't need to tell you that i like 205. you can see it, every week, in chunky paragraphs, whether you want to or not. it is something i hold dear. it is something that gave me friends when i was coming out of a nightmarish part of my life that damaged my ability to have friends at all. (a damage that persists.) it has given me something to hold on to when things are rough! it has given me a way to experience the range of human emotion in ways that are both painfully awfully real and shows in the theatre of fiction. it's...it's hard to state this. i'm very embarrassed to be sincere on the internet, and to express the full extent of my feelings on something, but 205 is like. a sort of bedrock in my life. it's. LISTEN it's important to me is what i'm saying here

i've spent the last five years thinking about 205 a LOT. specifically i've spent the last five years mostly trying to get back the feeling of the first two. which is sad, but that's wrestling, babey! it's a story like nothing i've ever experienced before, in good and shit ways. it's given me more of an appreciation for stories that drag things out to degrees you can't imagine, for stories that fuck up and disappear and falter. it has given me a lot of appreciation for wrestling as a whole, for what it can be when it's at its best, and for what it means to put your entire being into something when you know you're gonna lose, or fail, or go unseen entirely. for...for the work. the effort of things. it's really shaped my taste in things, i guess. always, always, always chasing that feeling i got seeing titus worldwide's story play out. or that feeling of tony preparing for that tournament match with drew and realizing that that story was never laid to rest. that feeling of cedric winning the title at mania and burying his face in mustafa's shoulder as soon as the bell rung. there's been a lot of disappointment, but it is hard for me to believe that it wasn't worth it, because there is nothing else like 205 when it's good. wrestling, generally, sure. but...205 is where i was first planted. it's where i've stayed. and i'm okay with that.

this isn't really anything, is it. i don't...think in coherent ways as much as i used to. my ability to hold a thread of thought has deteriorated. but. um. 205 is kind of over. it isn't LITERALLY over (though, without tony and ariya, i think maybe it's not that long until it will be), but the hope i've had of chasing the feeling of 2017 205 is officially dead. and it's a really weird place to be in. this has been, more or less, my life for the last five years. and it'll never be the same again. i've known for awhile that it was probably never going to be what i wanted again, and i've been trying to wrap my head around it for a bit. i think i'm kind of stubborn in this way! where, if you keep going and going and going, if you just hang on a little bit longer, then it'll be worth it. hope or sunk cost fallacy. who knows. but this is the door closing on all of that.

i can't say i'm upset that tony and ariya are leaving dubya! i think it's objectively a bad company and no amount of 205, good or not, is worth its continued existence. it sucks to lose a job, yeah, and with an employer that communicates as poorly as dubya, there's no way to get through the process unscathed. that sucks for the real people behind it, and regardless of my feelings about these two human dudes i know relatively little about besides playing some of my favorite characters that exist, i do hope they land on their feet. i am kind of relieved they're out of dubya, though. you know how it is. we've been through this before.

um. i'm probably not gonna watch 205 anymore. i've played with the idea before! but this is it. i have no reason to keep watching. i'll keep an eye on jiro, but i'm indifferent towards everything else it's doing, and i don't watch nxt on principle, so this is...kind of it for my engagement with the cruiserweight division as it exists canonically. christ that feels weird. if tony and ariya go somewhere else, i'll keep an eye out. my options for keeping up with wrestling are unfortunately pretty limited. i don't have the money to do it, usually, i don't know where the streams are, and i've mostly withdrawn from the Community so i don't know where i'd ask about other promotions, or if i'd be welcome. not anyone's fault! just how it is. i've met a lot of people i care about here, and i consider you all part of my life, but i mostly keep to myself. it's very lonely, but it's no one's fault but mine. i'm very bad at reaching out or keeping in touch. i want to. but i try to...maintain as little connection to the world around me as possible. just in case. there are a lot of friends i've made here that have stopped using this site, or that i've just lost touch with, or that i could have become closer with if i ever tried but i never had the guts for it. i have a lot of regrets about this. i'd like to talk to more of you one day. it's not like the door is closed entirely. i will hold out hope for this as well, though. it's what i do.

[later attempt to capture the feeling better: i hold 205 very dear to me. my biggest reason, i think, is that for a time before rabbit went down and i got in my own head, i was part of something. we were a community for a bit. a lot of 205's appeal, to me, was the camaraderie between people, this sense of everyone being connected and caring for each other even while feuding or struggling. and that was what existed as a fan of it. i was alone for a long time right before getting into 205, going through a very weird and bad relationship where nothing else existed outside of it and nothing of myself existed within it. and then, once i was back in the world, stranded and alone, i met a lot of people i consider my dearest friends through 205, people i still carry with me every day even if we don't talk for months, even if i avoid the possibility of getting too close now. suddenly, i was a part of the world again, and it was everything! it was...it was very special, to me. 205 has always been associated with that feeling in my head, that feeling of...i don't know exactly how to say it. the feeling of knowing you can come home now. it's something that dissolved a bit as everyone went their separate ways and as i kind of withdrew from the world again, it's CERTAINLY something that dissolved in 205, and i guess i've spent a lot of time chasing The Glory Days Of 205 Live Etc Etc because i miss it. no one's fault. just mine. maybe it won't be this way forever, though. i would like to think it won't. i want to be able to change.]

this is weird i don't really know how to say all of this, it feels both larger and smaller than it should, or than i thought it would. i'll still be here, this blog will still be up, i will still talk about wrestling and i will definitely be treating a lot of cruiserweights like my ocs, i was not joking about that. i have a very developed internal universe for 205 lol. quite embarrassing really! but. this is the end of something as well. the continued canon of 205, and my continued interest and hope in it. so. maybe i will rewatch it finally! having a set beginning and endpoint for it. 237 episodes, i think. which is a lot, but also doesn't account for all the matches there are to skip over or pretend don't exist lol. or maybe i will just sit with what there is and build from there. or maybe i will just keep it all to myself. i don't really know. i wasn't as ready to say goodbye as i thought i'd been.

um. man. i'll probably keep talking about it eventually, because i love the sound of my own voice, so this isn't really an end so much as a very long, clumsy, unnecessary rumination. but...well. i will miss 205, and i will miss experiencing it with everyone. i missed those things already. but i will miss them in a different way now. and we will all see what becomes of former 205 members, of wrestling, and of the people we are when we watch it together. i'll look forward to it. and i will see all of you around. thank you for staying this long, i hope some of my derangement has been fun to read about, or something you enjoyed or laughed at or thought about afterwards. i hope i've been a fun addition to the text, if nothing else! or a funny cringe compilation (the first funny cringe compilation to ever exist). either way. it's truly been an honor. thank you, thank you, thank you all. i love you very much. i’m not going anywhere and i will see you again, i promise you this. take care until then <3

#long post -

[rewolfaekilerom]

why reread books?

//NOTE: This was originally posted to Wordpress on 04.24.2021//

I didn’t write last week. Whoops. I could come up with an excuse, but I don’t need to. I spent 7 years in grad school, and some 17 years before that in regular school; this blog is my way of reconditioning myself to love writing for the sake of writing and not to write out of some obligation or feeling that I’m not doing enough.

I work 40 hours a week, and most of that’s with writing in some way, shape, or form. I’m doing plenty.

So, today’s post.

I started reading P. D. James’s Death Comes to Pemberley today. (I promise I’ll write about the Sookie Stackhouse series. I finished it last week and have so many thoughts, but I’m not quite ready to share them.)

The first few pages of Death Comes to Pemberley (this is about as far as I’ve made it) are a clever retelling of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, because that’s what James’s book is based on. I read Austen’s novel ages ago–probably as a teenage and probably next to a pool. I think I was made to get a PhD because one of the challenges I set myself one summer as a teenager was to read all of Austen’s novels. I think I got through most of them, but I don’t really remember. I was a bit of an oddball and a nerd. My dad and I would go to the public library every weekend, and I went through a phase where I’d take out a stack of poetry books just . . . to read in study hall. Like I said, weird kid. I thank my parents for indulging my love of books, even if it meant that I was an overgrown child in grad school for too many years and filled their lives with sympathy stress.

Anyway. I think I mentioned in my previous post that I like to reread books. What I mean by this is a few different things, actually–or, rather, this rereading can come in a few different forms.

I, of course, mean it in the straightforward sense. I’ve reread Rebecca many times, and I’ve reread Barbara Michaels’s oeuvre many, many more times than I’d ever be willing to admit.

But by “I like to reread books,” I also mean “I like to reread books–sometimes immediately after I’ve finished them.”

I’m definitely not proud of this, but I reread both the After series by Anna Todd–you know, the One Direction fanfic that’s actually a really gross (in every sense of that word) depiction of a tremendously abusive and toxic relationship–and the To All the Boys… series by Jenny Han immediately after I finished them. Ironically, I wouldn’t have ever picked either series up if it weren’t for a podcast I started with two friends that will likely never see the light of day. In any case, Han’s series is genuinely good; I relate to Lara Jean’s character in the sense that she’s quite similar to how I was as a teenager; there’s a comfort there that’s coupled with a forced humility–I like laughing at myself, even when someone else is also laughing at me. And Todd’s series is . . . trash, which is probably what makes it compelling. It’s not a series you read to feel good about yourself or other people; it’s a literary car wreck, something you want to look away from because it’s terrible and you know it’s bad for you, but you also feel some inexplicable compulsion to stare it directly in the eyes and engage.

For all my bravado, I’m usually pretty good at picking my battles and not engaging, but for whatever reason, I couldn’t help but engage (and reengage) with the After series. Maybe I’ll delve into that in another blog post, though I’m thinking that’ll have to be something akin to a therapist visit, and it’ll most certainly be something I’ll have to work through repeatedly.

The most straightforward reason I can give for why someone might immediately reread a book is that they feel like they devoured it too quickly the first time so they need to go back and pay closer attention. I’ve done this with a few mystery books–Tana French’s The Witch Elm, for instance–because I’ve finished the book feeling a bit like I didn’t read closely enough and so missed out on some of the author’s brilliance. I immediately begin rereading in hopes of really appreciating what the author has to say and how they’ve said it.

I might also immediately reread a book because I feel like the ending came too soon–like I maybe didn’t get to spend enough time with the characters or in their world, like maybe I’m not ready to leave that fictional universe or to let go of that story. I think this is fairly relatable. I’ve read heaps of tumblr posts and heard from many friends that sometimes finishing a book is a sad experience because, as with any ending, there’s a certain degree of mourning that has to happen for the thing that has been lost. In the case of finishing a book, you might feel compelled to mourn the loss of a particular experience, world, space, or set of characters. Those things still exist on the pages of the book–hey, we write about literature using the present tense because those things continue to exist even after we’re finished with them–and they also exist in our minds. But the thing about finishing a book is that, though the memory of that reading experience stays with us, the experience of being guided through that fictional world ends. The author is, of course, our guide through their fictional world; when we finish a book, we lose that guide. Depending on how we feel about the author’s voice–or, perhaps more appropriately, the narrator–we may feel a greater or lesser sense of loss.

I don’t really Elizabeth Bowen’s or Alix Harrow’s writing styles (these are honestly the first two authors who came to mind; I know they’re very different–so, see, I’m well read!), so I don’t feel a great sense of loss when I leave their fictional worlds, however compelling they might be. But I do tend to like the types of narrators Emily St. John Mandel, Octavia Butler, or (the Janus-faced–multi-faced?) Carolyn Keene offer readers (again, it’s like I’m trying to pick completely unsuitable pairs, but I swear I’m not), so I feel a sense of loss when I’m forced to separate from those narrators because I’ve finished experiencing their physical manifestations–the bound collection of pages on which they live their finite lives.

Someone might argue that those narrators can live on in the reader’s mind just as the fictional world they inhabit gets taken up and finds new life in the reader’s imagination. I like that argument, but I think it overlooks the simple fact that the narrator’s voice isn’t all that matters here. That narrator is a puppet, and the author is the master puppeteer who directs what the narrator does, says, and conveys–that is, how the narrator guides us, the readers, through the story. So, again, when we finish a book, we lose our guide through–sometimes even our friend in–the fictional world.

To wax poetic for a second, when we finish a book, we get to move forward in time while the narrator is stuck back in time. There’s something so sad about leaving someone behind, and it’s especially sad when we have to leave someone in a not-so-pleasant world–even if it’s fictional. It’s the reason a story like Peter Pan is so sad–Peter is a nasty little tyrant, but we (or maybe just I) can’t help but feel bad for him because he’s left behind while everyone he loves and who loves him grows up, because that’s the natural course of action. As one of my grad school peers once pointed out, Barrie’s narrator begins the book by marking Peter as exceptional–as the exception–because he’s the only child who doesn’t grow up.

So, to get back to my point, when we reread a book, we’re trying to recapture and reunite with that guide, that friend, who we’ve had to leave behind because of the simple fact that we outlived them. After all, our lives continue to go on after theirs have ended. The operative word in that first sentence, though, is “try.” There’s a saying about how you can only experience something for the first time once, and I think that’s very true for reading a book. You can only be fully immersed in a narrator’s present moment and fully subject to the will of a narrator one time, and that’s the first time you go through their story with them. In every subsequent journey, you have the advantage (or disadvantage?) of knowing exactly where the story will take you, and so a bit of the mystery–or helplessness, or naiveté, or whatever–is gone.

That said, though, I’m not sure I’d go so far as to argue that you can only experience the story “as it’s truly designed to be experienced” one time–that first time. I’m sure this perspective has something to do with some deep-rooted prejudice I have against attributing meaning or intention to an author. I don’t want to probe that prejudice too much at the moment because I suspect it’s coupled with layers of anxieties that are all somehow connected to four years of graduate coursework spent feeling a bit like the dumbest person in the room.

I’ve read a lot of books (#humblebrag), so, naturally, I’ve read books in a lot of different environments, for a lot of different reasons, and in a lot of different states of mind. I like to think of myself as generally a pretty “good” reader–that is, in the sense that I’m able to appreciate stories for what they are and to suspend my disbelief, sometimes while a very distracting “real world” goes on around me. Again, that’s probably partially because of my training. I’ve read in silent libraries, backseats of cars and on crowded buses, at pools, in bed, in fields, at busy airports, in cabs, at bars and coffee shops, at house parties–and those are just physical places. I’ve also read in diverse situations, including while immensely happy, having just had a fight, while crying, because it’s assigned reading, while heartbroken, while trying to also keep a conversation going, during class, because this book reminds me of something else, while anxious, when very tired, during the middle of an argument, out of curiosity, while waiting, and the list goes on. The sheer volume of reading one has to complete (or at least try to complete) to keep up with a grad-level literature course means that one has to be okay with reading whenever and wherever. I’ve literally carried a book with me on a date and to the grocery story “just in case” I had some extra time.

To get closer to my point, this is all a very long way of saying that there are so many circumstances that can affect our reading experience that it’s impractical for an author or a reader to think that there’s only one way to read a story. Take a relatively broad circumstantial reading category like “beach reading.” There are so many different beach scenarios that an author–even one who’s willing to settle for a very broad interpretation of “beach reading” like “reading near a large body of water with some level of distractions but in a generally relaxed mood”–can’t attempt to predict. I’d honestly be surprised to hear that an author aiming to write “beach reading” would even try to get more specific than that. After all, we don’t really have categories like “tropical beach vacation with friends reading” or “rocky Maine beach on a solo vacation reading.” I doubt an author would attempt to get that specific because, after all, writing is a career and those who do it need to create a product that will be marketable to enough people to make it worthwhile and to secure a living. And for an author who isn’t writing professionally, it hardly seems worth it to even attempt to take the time to try to predict the circumstances that might surround their audience’s experiences with the finished story. There are simply too many variables, so the goal must be, to some degree, at least, to write a story that conveys something to someone in whatever circumstance they happen to be in at the moment they’re reading. That’s a monumental task. An author might, then, have an “ideal” reader in an “ideal” scenario or state of mind or whatever, but they can’t ever write to that “ideal” alone–and that’s even if they’re writing for themselves, since they don’t know what frame of mind they’ll be in when they experience the story again (unless, of course, they don’t intend to experience the story again, in which case nothing matters except the present, which is pretty interesting in itself but not what I’m talking about right now).

But something I’d also like to note is the simple fact that sometimes stories are better–more interesting, more effective, more whatever–the second time we read them. I’ve read books with perfect focus–in a quiet library, for instance–and not found them all that compelling; I’ve also gone back to those books later–once I’m in a slightly different place (mentally, physically, emotionally, without the pressure of reading for class, whatever)–and genuinely enjoyed them. I’ll readily admit that sometimes I’m just a better reader, and sometimes I’m a better reader of a particular type of book than I might be otherwise. As humans, we’re perpetually in flux. Books are more or less stationary objects that don’t really change. We’re what changes, so we might be in a better position to appreciate a book at one point in our lives than at another point.

So, I might reread a book to recapture that first reading experience. But I might also reread a book to have a different reading experience, to meet the narrator when I’m a slightly different person. My goal might be to relearn or refresh myself of the lessons I learned through reading that particular story, but it might also be to gauge how I’ve changed. Each time I reread a story, I have a different reading experience: I notice different things; I feel different feelings; I appreciate different characters or appreciate the same characters differently; I take away different ideas about my current world based on not only how my current world compares to the fictional world but also how my current world compares to the current (now past) world I lived in the previous time(s) I experienced the fictional world.

Oy, that was a lot. And I could complicate this all further by delving deeper into why we read at all–why we sign on to read a story, what we how to get out of the reading experience, and what reading actually does for us. But I already wrote a dissertation, so I’m not going to do that again. Also, we all read for different reasons and we each read different types of stories for different reasons, so there are so many variables that it’s hardly worth it to explore that topic in a really broad sense. Maybe a narrower sense would be more productive, but I’ve already written enough for today.

What I want to say is that I’m definitely not alone in rereading stories. There are ample reasons to reread stories, the most straightforward of which being that it can just be enjoyable to do.

And to think that this post grew out of the idle thought that I’d like to reread Pride and Prejudice. And I’m still only three pages into Death Comes to Pemberley! Well, okay, onward.

xoxo, you know.

[a-lil-perspective]

I don’t want to be that person—

But I really need to get this off my chest. This is the culmination of two months buildup of thoughts that have been screaming far too loud for me to continue simply taking in stride. I can’t do it. I apologize in advance, for anyone who actually reads this, if this is a deterrent to you about my character or my minuscule space taken up here on Tumblr. Again, I really can no longer remain silent. If it’s any solace:

I tried.

Where to begin. First off—as much as I’d love for this to be an update on the next chapter of Remember Me, it is not. For those of you who’ve kept up with the story, I’m sure you’ve noticed my uploading pattern these past few weeks has been reduced to solely weekends—and barely that, might I add. While I will try to have Chapter 9 up within the next few days, I cannot guarantee when. At this point in time, it’s not a lack of creative streak, it’s a lack of time. I have all these outlines and segments in my head but can’t seem to even catch a breath much less put the story down in my notes or in Word for later edit and upload. But I’m trying. I really am. As I’ve said before: I will finish this story, come hell or high water. But currently being engulfed in the former has been a huge burden.

Per my past psa’s: My health? Two giant thumbs down (nothing to do with COVID-19). Personal aspects? Two giant thumbs down. Both are and have been slowly corroding me. To avoid this post seemingly grabbing for sympathy, I’m going to just stop there with that. But I’m truly suffocating in this corner.

Next point in case: I’m going to be completely candid here. It’s extremely difficult and utterly exhausting to continue posting fics. Mentally and Emotionally. The pressure to post. The pressure to post because if you don’t in a timely manner, you lose your momentum and “fall behind” when you post again. Then you’re right back to square one thereafter because people have grown absent in your absence. It’s exhausting and stressful to spin in that wheel.

It’s difficult when you pour every drop of energy into a work, only for it to sit largely unnoticed on your blog. To stay up literally all night making sure your punctuation is impeccable, re-reading the same fic over and over before you post until your brain explodes and you utterly forsake the fic the minute you hit that post button. To take up space on a post tagging and adding those notes and engaging flares that go unrequited. It’s... well, it’s detrimental. It gets you down. It gets me down. I’m not going to lie about that. We all want validation and I will be the first to shoot my hand up in acknowledgement.

I’m going to stop right there as you’re reading to clarify: This is not a call-out post. This is not a guilt post. This is not me giving an ultimatum. This is not me demanding reblogs. This is not me telling you “your likes don’t matter” (I have literally seen that on posts and it kind of disgusts me. That’s all I’m going to say about that for now).

Reblogs, while unanimously appreciated, are not a priority to me. Comments and feedback and communication are invaluable to me. That’s it. That coveted and intimate interaction between the Writer and the Reader. One is not more important than the other. We’re a team, a unit, a force that balances each other on a broad, diverse scale.

I don’t ask for much—I don’t ask for anything here, actually (unless it’s directed towards the general audience over what y’all would like to see, which largely goes unengaged whenever I bring up). No, I don’t post fics that frequently. No, I don’t crank them out as quick. No, I don’t have that many. Yes, I’m new to fanfic writing. But I work quietly and solely with all my own plots and dialogues and ideas (I love prompts and requests, though). Thus my usually hefty works. Y’all get the whole nine yards. But I don’t feel like I really get to bounce my ideas around to others, which can further exacerbate that sense of isolation for me around here. I put myself through a really long process for every single thing I write because, the quality of my work matters to me. A lot. So I try to take my time to deliver that. And... I guess I just hope you know that or can discern that as you read each time.

Another astronomically exhausting aspect is this platform itself. It’s painfully evident to me, in my four meager months here, that Tumblr is just one big popularity contest. Who can upload the most, the fastest, the most efficiently. Who has the most followers. Who accumulates them the quickest. A place where your “exposure” is literally at the mercy of others. And when people purposely don’t want to aid in that, it spirals into this really toxic mindset causing friction between Writers and other Writers, causing unnecessary strain, avoidance, insecurities, and hinderances to YOUR precious work. And I’m not about that. It’s a no from me.

Also, I’ve just got to interject with this bit: Bad Batch Writers. Bad Batch Writers struggle. In my opinion, from what I’ve seen, it’s like if you aren’t writing for a popular Clone like Wolffe or Fives or Jesse, you don’t get traffic. Which I think is just... kind of corny. Okay. I think it’s really corny and ridiculous. Please know that I’m not saying anything bad about those Clone babies, the people who write them, or anything like that. Please don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m just making a point. Bad Batch does NOT get enough love. And the Writers ultimately suffer because of it. That’s all there.

We’re all supposed to be in this together. Your work—your writing—is neither good nor bad. There’s no such thing. There’s only YOUR writing; your unique, beautiful words that I LOVE more than anything, that only YOU speak. We all speak a different dialect and flow through our storytelling. And it’s a beautiful, wholesome thing. It always has been. It should never be this detrimental stage Tumblr has made for content creators. Let’s be honest: Tumblr is not the ideal place to thrive. And I’m just... sick of it.

I’m beyond an exhausted state. I can’t remember that last time I wasn’t. (I know everyone is, with the ebb and flow of our world’s daily uncertainties during these unprecedented times). But for me, personally, it’s getting increasingly harder to keep up with the reblogs and comments and blogs of all the stories I love, while updating my work and trying to interact on my blog, while battling my health and nonexistent energy, and constantly be exposed to the “Tumblr Tumbles”, as I call it—the overbearing popularity and the waiting and the wondering and the silent seething because of it. It’s just too much. And it doesn’t take a detective to pick up on that attitudinal shift around here. It’s all just one big, pernicious cycle. And seeing that here nearly every day, exhausts me. I don’t know how else to convey as much. But I just can’t do it. And honestly, I get this overwhelming loneliness just being here.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I’m going to continue doing my thing until my engine sputters out. I’m going to keep up with storytelling, because I love it more than anything. I just needed to get this off my chest. I’m just rambling. I might delete this but, I might not. Who knows.

I just... Geez. I need to know that I’m not just shouting into the void over here like always.

Communication to me is key. If you don’t want me to tag you anymore: tell me. If you don’t want me to message you: tell me. Please. Just don’t like me? Cool. Tell me. It’s better to know and communicate than to walk on eggshells around everyone and everything. I’ve applied that flawed strategy throughout my whole life and I strongly dislike doing so. It adds no benefit to either party. Just be honest with yourself and others. That’s always super important.

For those of you, my handful of regulars who are around... you know who you are. Thank you. My thanks is but a meager conveyance of my undying gratitude for you. But I want you to know how much I appreciate your presence here. Words cannot express.

@halzore... You are a real mate. You are an incredible being who is not only insightful but, a true muse here. I look to you as more than just a devoted Reader of mine, and you should know that I would NOT have gotten this far with my Bad Batch Post Order: 66 series—or any of my Bad Batch works, for that matter—without your encouraging words. Holy cow. You’re a dearest friend. Your writing, art, and musical talent leaves me in awe. (A truly brilliant mind, please go love her y’all). Thank you for seeing all the good, little things in me and my work. It makes this all worth it. You make it all worth it. I get really overwhelmed thinking about it. But I just want you to know I appreciate you so much.

To anyone who’s ever left me kind, encouraging, and wonderful comments... I remember them. I do. I think of them when I’m down, and I think of them now as I write this—which is in my dispirited state, ironically. But I appreciate it. I think it is so SO important to lift each other up with words. You don’t have to reblog and all that (only speaking for myself here). Just take a moment to say something kind to someone. It makes someone’s entire day, week, month, year. Please... love other Writers. Love yourself. We all struggle. But let’s do it together. Let’s be there for each other.

Come talk to me. I don’t bite, I promise. Tell me about your day. Tell me something about yourself. I care. I love that interaction, because you are MORE than just a Reader to me. You are a valued human being with feelings, desires, wants, needs... come share that with me. If there’s something you’d like to see in my future works, something that would engage you more; please, come tell me.

I’m going to try and get better. At writing, at navigating this strange place, with my health, with life. I’ve been at my breaking point for so long that my barely held together pieces and exposed, worn chinks are almost uneffected and unresponsive to any help or healing. But I’m going to try.

Thank you for being here. I’m sure it can be hard to have patience with me and my nonexistent uploading schedule, but, I do have several wips in the works (teases in my masterlist in case you’re wondering). They’ll come around. :’)

Keep your head up and shining, lovelies. And I’ll try to do the same.

#psa #lil speaks #I’m... sorry. #I have a ton of anxiety posting this but I’m also almost indifferent. #could I have worked on my WIPS instead of this? #yes #did I? no. #yes this is long but I needed to say all that. #I’m tired. #trying not to explode. #it’s a lil thing

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 171

Chapter Summary - Tom and Danielle have an amorous morning after a very amorous night only to receive a scolding from Luke and a worried phone call from Sarah. Smut to start the chapter. 

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog @jessibelle-nerdy-mum @nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller @fairlightswiftly @salempoe @wolfsmom1 @black-ninja-blade

Tom clenched his teeth together, trying to stave off his orgasm just a little longer, but he failed. Danielle's body just felt too good around his and a moment later, his hot breath panting against her neck and shoulder, he groaned gutturally as he filled her, his hips stilling as his body begged to be as deep-seated in her as possible. He wanted to relax after his exertion but all he could think of was Danielle not getting to feel as he had, so he gently pulled himself out of her and brought his hand to her now seed-filled core, his fingers quickly continuing what he had startled.

He focused not only on her pleasure but on her face, the blissful look as she bit her lower lip and arched her back as she came closer to her peak. When she began to shudder slightly, he intensified his efforts, her fingers gripping his arm as she gasped.

“Come on, Darling.” He encouraged. “I can see you're nearly there.”

“Tom.” Her voice was almost pleading. When he stroked her expertly, long having learnt her more sensitive spots, she clenched her eyes shut, her bottom lip at risk of being punctured and fell over the edge of her pleasure. He continued his ministration into she pulled him to her, kissing him passionately as she panted slightly. “I fucking love you.” She smiled.

Tom chuckled against her lips. “I fucking love you too.” he pulled back slightly and lay to the side, rubbing his hand not covered in their combined releases through his hair. “Twice in less than twelve hours, not bad for a man my age.”

Danielle laughed in response. “Because you're practically geriatric, aren't you?” She groaned slightly. “I don't know what hurts more, my muscles from that it or my head.”

Tom had to agree. “Why did you allow me to drink so much?”

“You're a fully grown man, I'm not going to dictate what you can and can't do. Have some personal accountability. Besides, I was in no fit state to tell you what to do, I was fairly drunk too.” She rubbed her temples. “How angry is Luke?” She asked worriedly.

Tom checked his phone, sure enough, there was a message, or several, from Luke. He scanned through them. “I've made him madder in the past. Long story short, we're bold and he's not paid enough to deal with me.”

Danielle turned over and got comfortable again. “I've maintained that since the beginning.”

“He asked what size jeans are you, he will have some clothes sent over for us so we don't embarrass ourselves wearing our clothes from last night.”

“Can't we just get a cab from the back entrance?” Danielle suggested. “I can't believe we ended up getting a room in the hotel, I mean really; we live about four miles from here. You and whiskey are a terrible combination.”

Tom laughed, thinking of his amorous attention to her the night before. “Not helped in any manner by your choice of dress, or underwear, or the fact you were giving me that look all night.”

“And what look are your referring to, dare I ask?” Danielle scoffed.

“The ‘I’d rather see you without that suit on’, look.”

“Do you think that's what I was thinking? What makes you so sure? What's not to say I wasn't thinking 'Why is he wearing that ugly fucking suit, I can't believe I am being embarrassed like this’?” she asked with a grin.

“Because I know that look when you find me sexy.” He leant over her again, kissing her. “You know you found me sexy. And I know you did because you were staring at my ass and when you started on the whiskey, your hand was on it as much as mine were in yours.”

Danielle could only concede it was true. “We were worse than two horny teenagers.” She recalled Luke pulling Tom aside and all but throwing a keycard at him. A moment later, a pleased-looking Tom went to retrieve her and with the quickest of goodbyes to Luke, who was partially ushering them out the door of the function room the party was being hosted in, and they headed to the room they were now in the same building, having had fun the night before, somewhat tipsy to drunk, neither truly thinking of anything bar the fact they were both feeling incredibly amorous, and again not ten minutes ago. “I may regret nothing.” She leant up and kissed him again. “Tom…”

“I am not able that quickly, sadly.”

Danielle huffed a small laugh. “Actually, I was going to ask you if Luke got a deal with breakfast too or are we going to have to pay extra for that.” Tom laughed into her lips. “I am starving.”

“Full English?”

“Extra toast. And tea, loads of tea.”

“I will order that, you get a shower.” Tom kissed her again, only this time, nipping her lower lip slightly as he did.

“Am I that bad?”

“No, I just do not want to be stuck trying to force myself from this bed. Check-out is twelve and it is getting close to ten, so if we don’t get going soon, we’ll have no breakfast, be annoying the staff and at more risk of being seen.”

Danielle sighed. “Sadly, that is true. Hopefully, my food will be here when I get out. I have money in my purse, tip the waiter or waitress that brings our food.”

Tom nodded, grateful that she had brought her purse because the cab driver would need to be paid too. He watched her go into the bathroom, very much focusing on her naked ass as she went and thanking whatever grace had given him the woman he loved so much before he looked at his phone again and apologised to Luke once more for the night before and thanked him for his idea, stating playfully that at least it was his fiancée, and not some random fling, something Luke always feared would get his clients, male and female, bad reputations. Tom chuckled at the “small mercies” reply Luke gave him.

He called for room service and gave their orders, and waited for it, grateful that though they had been liberal with their drinking the night before, they had not gone too far. His head was slightly hazy and his stomach was somewhat off, but he had been through far worse. He knew of more than one occasion where the idea of intimacy the next morning was not even remotely possible, then again, he never felt as he did with Danielle. No other woman had him think of the distant future with them like this, marriage, family, all of that, he had thought of it, but not with the anxious excitement of what would come like Danielle did. The idea of marrying her being a mere six months away, it excited him no end. Six months seemed like nothing. The six months since he had asked her had flown by, now they were halfway through the year they had decided to hold the engagement for and he could not wait.

The beep of his phone made him think Luke had something more to say, so he checked the screen. He could only see a few words and frowned before unlocking it and ringing his sister back. “Sarah?”

“Is Danielle there?”

“What’s going on?”

“Is Danielle there?” His older sister repeated.

“She’s in the shower, what happened?”

“Mum fell and hurt her wrist, I am trying to tell her she needs to go to the hospital to get it checked, but she’s ignoring me. She did it last night and I swear, Tom, it’s swollen and purple now and I really think she needs to go and she is being stubborn. I sent a picture to Elle to see what she would say but she didn’t reply.”

“She’ll be another minute or so. The shower is off now.”

“Fuck me!” Came an exclamation from the bathroom.

“I think she got your picture.” Tom looked around to notice that indeed, Danielle’s phone was missing. She exited the bathroom with a haphazardly strewn towel over herself. “Yep, she saw it.”

“Is that Sarah?” Danielle did not even wait for Tom to do anything more than a nod, she grabbed the phone off him and placed it to her ear. “Sarah, she needs to get to the hospital now.”

“I said that.”

“Tell her if she doesn’t go willingly, I will ring the damn ambulance myself and I swear, I will delay this wedding a year minimum if she argues.”

Tom leant back slightly, startled by the ferocity in his fiancée’s voice, but also worried about her threat to his mother. “Hey!”

She put her hand over the microphone. “We’d get married secretly elsewhere without her knowing, we just wouldn’t have the big day.” She promised.

Satisfied, Tom nodded slightly. “She’s serious, Sarah.” He called out.

“Now, Mum. Did you hear that? Danielle will hold a wedding strike…..she’s getting her coat.”

“Good, we need a few hours before we can head. We were drinking last night. Once it is safe for us to get on the road, we’ll head your way. Get her to keep her hand straight and don’t let her have any meds.”

“Is it bad?” Sarah asked worriedly.

“I don’t know, I don’t have an x-ray or a degree in medicine but when I worked the ambulance, that would definitely be a potential fracture, if not a very nasty break.”

“Mum, only you could do this, I swear. Yakov, Mum broke her wrist.” There was silence for a moment before Sarah spoke again, but it was clear she was not speaking into the phone. “Yeah, well Danielle thinks she could have and I trust her more than Google, so…we are going. We’ll be back later….I don’t know, they will be here tonight apparently.” Her voice came through the receiver side of the phone again clearly. “We’ll keep you posted. Let us know when you are on the road.”

“We will.” Danielle promised. A moment later, there was a knock on the floor. She handed the phone to Tom who rushed to the bathroom and put on her dress quickly from the night before, hoping the room was not too obvious as to their going’s on not too long ago. She gave the waitress a ten-pound tip and a polite smile, taking the tray off her at the door and thanking her, closing the door swiftly after.

She placed the tray on the bed and organised everything. A few minutes later, a slightly peaky looking Tom came out of the bathroom. “I am not going to be able to drive today. I am too old for this.”

Danielle handed him a mug of coffee, which he took immediately. “I think it will be at least six before I can trust myself behind a wheel, I’ll eat, hydrate and allow what alcohol is in my system to start processing, then I’ll see. We’ll see how things go. You’re Mam is going to be there ‘til late, so we will keep an eye on things. If it is broken, she’s in overnight.” She indicated to the food. “Eat up, we forgot the dogs haven’t been out the bathroom or anything.”

Fear filled Tom as he realised she was right. He walked over and began to eat, hoping the dogs would be able to hold it. “Cab?”

“When we are ready to go, they’ll have one in seconds in this part of town.” Danielle urged.

#I Hate You I Love You #Chapter 171 #Tom Hiddleston Fic #Tom Hiddleston #wolfpawn