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mishapen-dear · 21 days

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genuine question but is there any fandom where a character is well written by the majority. im thinking about fandom culture and the spread of frustration when people dont write characters well but. honestly in all the fandoms ive been in there's only like, a Select number of authors who i trust to write Well, let alone write Well AND In Character. character analysis and writing and getting inside characters' heads are all separate skills (all of which are trained by roleplaying fyi can CONFIRM playing pretend with your friends is good for you). there's been more than once where I've disagreed with an interpretation that others agreed with, and then I turned out wrong. or i turned out right. like it doesnt matter WHO is right it just matters that differences in character analysis exist, so even if you DO write well AND write in character, your in character is still going to be someone else's out of character

there's this sort of. vibe. that to play in the sandbox you Need to be able to make a castle, and if you can't make a castle then you shouldn't bother, and it completely dismisses the idea that youre in that sandbox to PLAY in the first place. there's this Weight of disappointing someone if you can't build something that they like, but that forgets that you aren't there to build them a castle. like, be KIND. if you disagree with someone then please make an effort to do so kindly. i dont give a shit about fandom discourse but there is a reason kids get removed from sandboxes if they keep throwing sand in people's eyes. but if they don't like your misshapen sand pile, then youre not obligated to change it. even if you yourself end up hating that same sand pile later- youre not building a legacy. youre playing. and sometimes the result of that play is out of character drivel. theres a reason there are so many authors and so few who i like to consistently read and thats because everyone is Fucking Around in their hobby space. hash tag brag or whatever but i can build castles. ive built several that im v proud of. ive also dug holes in the sand for fun and then tripped on them when trying to get up. I often dug a hole and then got up and fucking- whoops, its a castle now, and i didn't realize i'd made something to be proud of until after the fact. the whole time while creating shit i was Convinced it was bullshit that didn't make sense. and then other times i was Convinced it was bullshit and then i was Right and i can look back and go. huh. ew. but it doesn't matter what the end result was, because i had fun playing in the sandbox

this wasn't meant to turn into a ramble but i have Feelings about bad art and art that's badly perceived and how public perception can screw with your head and how making art youre proud of is fucking. it's so difficult!!! it's hard!! it's really fun, which is why i try to make it, but i promise you it is Okay to not tryhard creativity. even if you CAN, it's okay not to do it all the time. or ever, even. fuck around find out have fun etc

#NOT a discourse post i am musing out loud #there's discourse goign around the dash rn or i wouldnt mention it #but the past few weeks ive seen a lot of “DONT fucking mischaracterize my guy my fuckign god”#which is one of the most frustrating pet peeve there is #but i think a lot too about little baby me #fresh on her writing journey #and how discouraged i would be if someone pointed out the mistakes id made #i made a Lot of fuckups #and i also think about this one fic where one of the characters was INCREDIBLY out of character #me today would not be able to stomach reading it #but baby me was so ENCHANTED #and it introduced to me the concept that you dont always know the reason someone does something #and it made me read even more #and because of that i eventually found Expert Skill level fics #which introduced me to MANY little tricks and fidgets ive tried to implement #there were so so many reviews on that fic that called it shit or complained about the bad characterization #but a decade later i still think about it #there were several very corny mine/craft horror fics i read #which back in the day would be called cringe #and those were what inspired me to write my first horror fic and now im Enchanted by the whole genre #theres a lot of stuff i dont like to read but i like that other people are enjoying themselves #i dont know how to be succinct i hope my point is coming across well #this ties into my thing where fiction is for you first others later #here are my credentials: bb/h fan since before the elections (hi i was the guy who noticed his lack of armour post elections)#and a cross-fandom comment trend of people going 'woa i can see this happening in canon'#im not talking out my ass i genuinely think its more important to have fun than to write accurate characterization #which. is a more 'duh' and clarifying thing than everything else ive written #but ah well c'est la vie #also also just realized this could be interpreted like that- NOT an attack on people who complain about mischaracterization either lmao #i do that too w friends. this is to reassure people who put pressure on themselves to create things Well all the time

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13eyond13 · 1 month

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#here's some of the classics on that list i have beef with btw:#i have tried to read A Confederacy of Dunces several times and it's funny but it's also so cringe and Ignatius is so obnoxious #that i find it too difficult to finish like i just feel depressed and bad for everybody around him too much #i tried reading Infinite Jest like a decade ago and i got like 200 pages in and i remember thinking it felt like #such a slog the entire time because he's just so gd wordy and also i stopped liking DFW after i heard the abuse allegations against him #frankenstein i didnt read that long ago but i just remember finding it so boring for some reason?? i feel i might need to read it again #dracula ngl i feel like im cheating a bit saying ive completely read it because i loved the beginning and then HATED so much of the rest #the characters were just so boring and melodramatic hahaha i just liked the part where jonathan was doing a travel diary #and trapped in the castle tbh and after that i skimmed quite a bit #i almost flipped my shit when i saw ender's game on there because I ALWAYS mix it up with ready player one by ernest cline #which i bought the audiobook of a while back and hated every minute of it i dont think its good at all #but it wasnt that so phew my faith in this list is somewhat restored #i read most of the first game of thrones book and was disappointed tbh maybe because id seen the show already #so i was like 'this feels almost exactly the same except worse?' because i'd been expecting it to give me more depth and insight #into the characters but instead it felt exactly the same and i still didnt love any of the characters enough to feel attached to them #also i am fully aware me not personally liking or vibing with a book doesnt mean it doesnt deserve to be considered great btw #but i think if youre gonna be like me and force yourself to go through a bunch of lists like this very seriously then you also need to just #let yourself be like 'yeah not for me' without feeling too bad about it sometimes too #often times i dont particularly love the classics or 'important books' but at the same time #i still feel like im getting more out of reading them than just grabbing the newest hyped up books that also dont do anything for me #maybe not in a 'wow i loved reading this' way but in like a #'i now have first-hand knowledge of this thing that is so influential / so frequently referenced'#or 'this challenged me and i feel like i did a mental/emotional workout or gave me some new food for thought'#or 'made me more aware of what gaps in my knowledge and reading skills and what my tastes are too'#sort of way...#it really just depends on what you're reading for and why and what you're hoping to get out of it a lot of the time maybe #it's like the homework i give myself to go through these lists that i also intersperse with the stuff i read more just for fun #p

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lovelyrotter · 4 months

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okay but i actually kinda wanna know ur take on stridercest being canon compliant O_O <- autism stare

oh hey i am also hitting you with the autism stare. ill try to get my thoughts down in a way that makes sense to more than just me hahaha

bear in mind that im an epilogue lover and i think Meat/Candy are really valuable pieces that further all of the characters and are also hard canon in the sense that we're looking at just 2 post-game universe outcomes out of an uncountable number (the book in the picnic basket representing post-canon fanfic). i think the characters actions in the epilogues make sense and are satisfying to me. yes even jane (i love alpha jane and i will not do her the disservice of 'cleaning her up' w/o showing her work for it. thats not how you depict a character who grew up with fascist programming). i could totally go on a whole tangent about this specifically but thats another post lol we'd be here forever and its also not stridercest

but okay. canon stridercest. under the cut cause it got kinda long

basically it has to do with the cherubs and how their relationships and mating rituals are pretty obviously incestuous leaning even though cherubs dont have the human concept of Siblings or blood family. the cherub who predominates will search across paradox space to mate with another cherub who closely resembles the cherub they predominated which is like textbook Freudian sexuality. theres a lot of Freud and Jungian stuff in HS imo even if im kinda [wobbly hand gesture] at the validity of these theories applied to real life and real people. but theyre super fun tools and lenses to use in fiction and i mean. gestures at all of dave

so the incest aliens cherubs. the whole reason why im talkin about them is bc Caliborn is so incredibly interested and invested in the Striders in particular. caliborn as both Lord English and Lil Cal shapes earth NOT OVERTLY but more so embeds himself in earth society, but again, the Striders lives in particular. dave is full of incest jokes. hes even apparently got a list of his friends arranged in order of how likely theyd incest-elope with each other (thank you epilogues for this amazing factoid). he seems to think about it often enough to, yknow, Do That. have a good solid think about that and construct an organized list about it. bearing in mind dave makes jokes about stuff thats a) bothering him, or b) generally camping out in his brain. hes not even really aware of it most of the time (as we see in one of the openbounds where hes all 'why am i thinking about puppets???' after seeing dirk for the first time in that dream bubble. he is thinking nonstop about dirk at that point and going off his only frame of reference for ANY dirk, which is his bro. his bro who was most likely deeply warped by Lil Cal)

sorry for the long blocky paragraph lol. but now onto the next thing

Caliborn as Lil Cal is the centerpiece in the beta strider apartment. dave cant escape him and beta dirk grew up with him. what the fuck do you do when youre childhood comfort item is also the most evil creature across all of paradox space? if youre a dirk you try to fight it. but how long can you keep fighting something like that. its safe to say that bro was affected by Caliborns particular brand of perversion and sfw kink. i dont think i have to say how insidious abusive and toxic he is about those things. and looking at the truth of beta bro (16yo alpha dirk) you can start to see just how warped beta bro became. beta bro is a false dirk (still a very Real dirk but not the Truth of dirk. beta bro has been toxified and made infinitely worse by an absolute evil influence over decades of life. in 80s fuckin texas. presumably in the system. anyone would be fucked up after that)

so for this analysis/theory im stating beta bro as a false persona. using jungian terms he is apha dirk's shadow

both dave and dirk live with a fake, carefully manicured version of their bros. they live with personas (or shadows of their guardians on the walls. hello platos allegory of the cave). they dont actually know e/o and they dont until the striunion

alpha dirk especially grows up embedded in the Public Persona Of Dave Strider 400 years post mortem and completely alone with unlimited internet access. hes a self admitted expert on his bro and we dont get to see a lot if any of his early childhood but i can hazard a guess at how much he clung to that persona of his bro. he fuckin idolizes dave. he LOVES dave. right off the bat he is in some kind of love with dave and i think if you try to argue against that then thats you slippin. i think youre a fool and have to reread homestuck because i wholeheartedly believe the striders loving eachother is part of the win state

once again this is speculation cause we get barely anything about alpha dave, but from what we already know about him im guessing this bro-persona is

achingly effortlessly cool

oozing masculinity (toxic or not, not really interested in categorizing that although toxic coolboy masculinity IS something the striders contend with & is an important facet in their lives)

a skilled fighter

a dedicated moviegoer (hes a director need i say more. this one is probably the only genuine thing about his on-screen persona)

and now lets look at jake. someone whos grown up on pretty much nothing but movies, whos doubtlessly been influenced by hollywood and its idea of gritty 'main character' masculinity through that, and who also clings to more old-school ideas of manliness (think victorian/edwardian era gentlemanly-but-loves-a-good-scrum kinda manly. moustache twirly with a monocle kinda manly. basically everything that grandpa harley is)

but okay lets look at what jake wants to be. lets take a look at his teenager persona

achingly effortlessly cool (his own 'hollywood star' kind of cool also def influenced by his favourite characters like lara croft who is indeed achingly cool. you see him succeed in inhabiting this hollywood star persona on earth c)

oozing masculinity (the old school manly mans-man kind)

a skilled fighter (two pistoles always. harder to aim cause you cant use a free hand to make up for kickback. that takes skill)

a dedicated moviegoer (again one of the only genuine parts about his persona. his questionable-to-wretched tastes aside. but bearing in mind that the SBaHJ movies are intentionally bad which is what makes them loop around to good. such is the nature of intentionally 'bad' art. jake fuckin lives in this perpetual bad-good art loop. okay enough with the art tangent keep focused man cmon)

because dirk has obviously way more contact with jake i dont doubt he sees through jakes own (admittedly way more flimsy) coolboy persona but the point still stands i think. different flavours but the same kinda guy. dirk has a type and i dont think its a stretch to say that hes looking for aspects of the bro-persona he grew up looking at in other boys, much like the winning cherub looking for the one they lost in the cherub theyll mate with

also wtf is with dirks obvious boner for dave chasing him across paradox space to decapitate him huh?? the last few sentences in Meat are about that very thing. he wants to fuc fight dave sooo bad. haha remember how the cherubic mating ritual is one of the most violent and long running spectacles in paradox space? i sure do

#stridercest #davedirk #dirkdave #alphacest #my t #thank you if you read all this HAHAHA #i am dedicated to my craft (autistic) (indulgent)

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illusioncanthurtme · 6 months

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What exactly is your version on dib like? I mean, we all know that he’s a creep and a weirdo, but what’s his story? (Also I absolutely love your work, you’re super talented)

SO glad you asked.

In all seriousness, I don't have any set story for him. He's just dib, but in his early 20s. The main difference between him and young dib (besides appearance obviously) is that he's had some emotional development. Keyword: some. People like to use the word maladjusted when talking about dib, and that does apply to my interpretation. He doesnt get out much, and he has some unhealthy behaviors (ahem obsession ahem) But he HAS emotionally matured since being a kid. He's a bit nicer, and he's gotten used to some of the mistreatment/bitterness, and shrugs it off with a smile.

As for a "story," I just like to imagine him in circumstances with the other characters, and ill focus on whatever I find funny or interesting. It's all for fun, I like to Doodle random plots in my head, but I'm not going to do or make anything with them. But here's where my thoughts tend to land most of the time:

He HAS moved out of his dad's place. I initially had him still at home, (because I still live at home, and I tend to project onto characters), but after giving it some thought, I realized that dib with his own place was maybe more believable. I don't think he'd want to be in his dad's shadow. This way he can do his parascience in peace and spread out. SO he lives in a downtown apartment. Gaz is his upstairs neighbor! (this way they still live together, but also not really. They kind of have roomate vibes. They see each other a lot) it is a very small apartment, the kind with a kitchen area, a bathroom, and one room for your living space/bed.

(Random idea I'm toying with that kind of doesn't make sense but also?? Whatever: SOMEHOW- dib built a secret basement under the apartment complex, and you access it by entering a code into the elevator buttons. It's his lab. DONT FUCKING ASK how he managed to DIG A BASEMENT - because I don't fucking know. But with how stupid people are in iz, I'm sure he figured out a way to be discreet or fool people??? Thats where hes got taks ship. He painted it blue)

Uhhhh what else...

I like to imagine 2 potential scenarios, and in both, zim had gone missing for a decade. In one, he comes back. In the other, dib sets out to find him. There is another part to that I'm gonna leave out, because I want to draw something and show you that way. Hopefully I'll draw that soon.

Ok, enough rambling now. If I have more thoughts to add on, maybe I'll reblog and add them.

But THANK YOU FOR THE ASK!!!! I was so pleasantly surprised to see this. I wasn't expecting to have an opportunity to ramble and I am super thankful, and honestly flattered that you'd be interested :')💞 (and thank you so much!! 🥺)

#ask #answered #liv-uwo #dib membrane

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plantboiart · 13 days

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Okay finished relistening to episode 1 (will listen to episode 2 and maybe more tomorrow but its like 10 pm and i have school tomorrow) of bitb and heres just like small collection of things that stuck to my mind!

Rolan does in fact canonically have a car i forgot about that so sorry rolan in my fic you got to live but lost your ability to drive such is life

Kian’s first act being just drinking something…. Like he wakes up and immediately gets alcohol… grizzly honestly just does such an incredibly amazing job making kian seem so like depressing but hiding it so well behind making everything seem like just some funny rockstar stuff its amazing

Also! The super tired ‘hey’ before he remembers and switches to ‘i mean whats up dude’??? Like could that have been a genuine mistake by grizz, sure, but i highly fucking doubt that. Like grizzly is so incredible at voice acting i refuse to believe that wasnt intentional

Rand. Just. How fucking mad he is at rolan. Its just painful. And how clearly done with it rolan is like you know this is an argument theyve had like hundreds of times before

So so so many details about kian that are so fucking fun to think about, specifically when he describes the look officer dudes gave him? Like (cant remember the exact quote but you get it) ‘ive seen some bad people in hollywood, people who just smile at you a certain way and you know you wouldnt want to meet them at night because they want to kill you’???? I am using that against him so hard holy shit

They just. Know nothing about how time works. They keep saying that its been a decade (it hasnt its been 15 years) and barc is supposedly old enough to have met them but no he is absolutely not and also charlie described barc as a golden retriever but then who the fuck is the black dog in rands official art just. Wow theyre so inconsistent about everything.

Theres definitely a few details about kian that i had forgotten about (like him just saying he has plenty more cars at home and whatever) but the pros of that is. I dont even need to decide to just ignore canon because i can just fucking believe that hes lying! Like its kian we cant trust his word on anything and thats great for me because i dont need to worry about messing up the canon!

Trying to just keep track of their stats and such but its. Its so hard. Because most of the time they just say ‘thats a success/hard success/failure/etc’ and not even what they actually rolled and then when they say what they rolled they still usually dont say what the number they had to beat was so just like.

Kian has 30 strength and 75 in guitar and 11 hp and that is all i can actually remember

Rand has 45 strength and 30 sanity (for like the first half hour) and ive already forgotten everything else

And rolan. Im going to be real i remember nothing already. I think he has 8 speed? But that was in the solo ep so i cant be sure. Also either him or rand had 14 hp i have already forgotten which one

Rat’s death is so hard to think about but its also very hard for me because im just thinking of kian going through the same fucking thing. Like hes aware of it and hes in pain and he just hears a buzzing and. Augh. (And kian probably died alone. God knows becky wasnt comforting him through that)

…..kian going fucking four times over the speed limit getting to galloway but then specifically not speeding with the others until theyre trying to leave after seeing rats whole thing? You cannot convince me that thats not like him being passively suicidal and just not caring about his own safety unless other peoples lives depend on it as well

Also, quick pat on the back for myself, i feel like i did very well with especially rand and rolan’s dynamic. Like just the intense care and love they have for each other but its been overshadowed by years spent apart and basically the second theyre left alone they immediately get into an argument and instantly start going right for all the things that hurt the most? Jesus they need therapy

Also kian (yes of course im focusing on him again thats my guy) just cares for them so much?? Like him immediately going after rolan and trying to help him without even knowing whats going on, also as fucking stupid as it is grizzlys plan being literally ‘im going to flirt with donna so john walks in on us and chases me with a shotgun to give a distraction for rand’ its like. So ridiculous. Yet somehow also very caring that this idiot is really willing to risk getting shot at to help rand out a bit

#jrwi show #jrwi #just roll with it #jrwi bitb #jrwi blood in the bayou #blood in the bayou #jrwi spoilers #jrwi bitb spoilers #bitb spoilers #blood in the bayou spoilers

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crushedsweets · 7 months

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I am so curious as to what you'd think about Nina and Hoodie as a duo. They've been two of my absolute favorites (even if Brian technically isn't even a creepypasta) since I was younger and I've always loved them as a sort of big brother/little sister pairing. They are so siblings to me I adore them. What are your thoughts on the sillies..

OHHH this is actually super interesting... but also im worried i do not have a lot to say because they won't mesh very well/very much. but i will try. not super realistic headcanons i think but what do i know... <3

brian isnt very present in my story, partially bc ik some mh fans dont like the crossover very much. and by time ninas in the story, i want him+tim to kinda separate from slenderman as toby and kate take over. he's still involved and coming around since he gets horrible slender sickness(but its from the operator) if he's away too long, but he doesn't live near or befriend most of the main cast..

nina is very present in my story because i love her and she is such a good and fun representation of the fandom yk. but brian is much more realistic and late 30s man, while nina is a very cartoonish early 20s girl. theyre on very different fields character and life wise...

BUUUUUUUUUT they would still meet of course.

she'd be bubbling around the entire cast, meeting people through jeff. people initially think she's in the same vein as jeff, natalie, and toby, with a LONG list of blood on their hands influenced by the operator, so they just don't think much about it. theyre mostly surprised by how cheery she is, but the proxies are the first to find out she's just... obsessed with jeff..... so thats very off putting. brian isn't fond of it.

nina would develop some light slender sickness(again, from the operator) just by being around jeff all the time, but the operator never infected her because he didn't see her as a worthy vessel. so, she would have to come to the proxies about it. if toby isnt in the mood or busy, she'd just have to hope brian/tim are around with some pills that'll soothe the pain

brian is more likely to help. with nina, he'd be quick to take on a more protective role, trying to console her as she cries on the couch holding her head whining about static.

initial convos would go smth along the lines of "do you want some coffee ? or uh kids like hot chocolate huh... maybe tea" "i'm literally in my 20s please tell me toby has weed somewhere" "that does not help with this pain i promise" "how would you know" "haha. water it is."

brian was a major stoner back in his early 20s and nina thinks its fucking hilarious. . . she'll try to get him to smoke with her but he's rlly not interested LOLLLL.... hes like 15 yrs older than her he thinks its weird .

again, he's not around a lot, but she's always happy to bump into him. she'd be squealing n shit 'HIII BRIANNNN how r u :3' and he'd just be like :) hey nina. and then never answer the 'how r u' bc he doesnt actually wanna sit and talk .

its a good change of pace. he's been through hell and back for well over a decade by this point, everyone around him is a sad sack of shit, and he spent a long time just. fighting to be an optimistic, cool guy to hang around . . but .... like.... um..... its hard to be that kind of person after all he's been thru. something about nina just forces that sort of like..... glee out of him . its not a huge difference where he's suddenly bouncing and giggling and whatever, he's still just Some Guy. but he'll be like :) lol .

mayhaps he'd catch her trying on toby's goggles and he'd offer to let her try on his mask. but nina would fake gag and be like 'no i dont want that dirty musty nasty sack on my head' and he'd be like ?????. then he'd say she can wash it and then try it on. which.. as an older sibling.... is the type of shit i'd do just to get my sister to do smth for me that i dont wanna do LMFAOOO. she might fall for it just cuz my dear nina is the ultimate fangirl

i dunno i kinda struggled with this one just cuz in my au, they wouldnt be all that close and the Type of characters they are don't mesh very well, but i am super fond of the concept and would love to try expanding on it more

#asks #creepypasta headcanon #nina the killer #creeped #hcs #ty for ask btw <33

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ikayblythe · 11 months

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a visual timeline of rain world's dated events, because it's 2 am and im autistic

Now, some important info. You will notice there are conventional dates in this visual; these are not canon but instead help us humans understand the ancients' ideas of time. A cycle is never given an explicit definition as a unit of time, so here we will equate the large number in the date, or the "cycle," to a typical Earth year. As for the decimals following that number, we will assume those function as typical decimals do.

So to demonstrate:

1543.067

Cycle or "year" 1543

0.067 of a year

0.067 × 365 = 24.455

approximately the 24-25th day of a year

Jan 24 (or 25) 1543

Again, these are not canon! They help make it easier for us to see the time between events.

And without further ado:

So, why is this important? I dont know honestly. But Ill share my takeaways because its my hyperfixation and Ill do what I want with it >:]

Unparalleled Innocence and Five Pebbles are the certified babies of the local group and likely are the same age-ish. My guess is that they had to have been around 50-70 cycles old when the Ascension happened. Babies!!

Sliver of Straw most definitely died before Five Pebbles came to be. Five Pebbles only learns about her secondhand through Seven Red Suns. He was not there to experience that event, which means the ancients were! Given that her methods remain unknown, the only ones who could've known how she died would be her citizens. However, that info shouldve spread. What likely happened? The ancients saw Sliver of Straw as a failure and decided to use Void Fluid anyway.

It is better to think of the iterator cans as "developments" or "neighborhoods" rather than cities, given how compact they are, and also how young they'd be compared to real-life metropolises! Meanwhile a neighborhood can appear and change drastically within a decade!

That being said, iterators can "live" a long time. Biocement already exists in real life, and the self-healing microbial colonies can remain dormant for around 200 years! However, water is one of the worst things for a building. These colonies will activate when a crack forms and exposes them to moisture. And since it's well...rain world: frequent erosion by rain and complete lack of maintenance severely reduces an iterator's lifespan as a structure.

Could the first generation of iterators be over 200 cycles old at the Ascension? Perhaps! But I think we severely underestimate the exponential rate of technological progress. Look at the last two centuries in our own world. Iterators in general have to be a lot younger than we think, as their infrastructure cannot last long.

So taking all of this into account...my estimate for the timeline of the whole game and not just the dated events? Can't be more than 400 cycles/years. The iterators are dying and theyre dying pretty damn fast. Id say even 400 is a generous number, as all of the "present" campaigns [Artificer to Rivulet] dont show much major change, save for the Rot. However again, that's speeding up Five Pebbles' decay.

Now Spearmaster seems surprisingly old. However it could be a result of them being artificial. But if that is indeed well within a slugcat's lifespan, that adds more credit to your shipping. Excluding Saint of course. Everyone is definitely dead by then.

All in all, I think we severely underestimate just how much can change within less than 400 years/cycles. Nature is very fast at reclamation, and in a world as volatile as Rain World? Even more so.

Anyway I someone out there has fun being a nerd like me Ive gotta go sleep for real now 🤙 lemme know your thoughts my brain needs stimulation

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kafus · 1 month

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i’m going to be honest i do not know if i have the passion for pokemon X to go into meticulous detail like usual and towards the end of my playthrough i was really starting to feel burned out on it so this post is gonna be kinda short and discussing my admittedly mixed feelings (shoutout to XY stans im so glad you love this game, this post is very subjective)

first, here’s all my hall of fame stuff and whatnot. i spent 51 hrs on the main campaign - the pic of my trainer card was taken directly after beating the game and the pics of my team were taken right before the league.

despite having mixed feelings abt this playthrough i did get really attached to my team, Sai, Knife, and Taser in particular :]

it’s worth noting that afaik i caught every single encounter available in the game before beating it, including tuesday exclusive rotom and thursday exclusive banette. and shortly before beating the game i ascended to Duchess rank in the battle chateau

i also farmed a metric fuckton of berries and did some other tasks so suffice to say i have interacted w this game’s features a lot

all that being said i have two main takeaways from beating X again for the first time in a decade and one is gameplay related and the other is story related

first, gameplay wise, i was surprised by how easy X is - i think “pokemon is too easy now” is a tired criticism that isn’t usually accurate or fair, but it’s really hard not to feel that way about this game in particular, coming from experience with playing both modern and old pokemon games extensively as an adult. this game definitely isn’t balanced around its own exp all and there are SOOOO many trainers to fight which means if you like fighting all the trainers when possible (which i do, and i dont have issues like this in other pokemon games) you overlevel extremely quickly. i’m unsure if XY was balanced without it first or something, but this is definitely an issue i haven’t seen to this extent since. i am aware i could have played with it off but since it’s the first pokemon game to have it and it’s given to you so early i wanted to see what the intended experience was with it on

on top of that, all gym leaders only have 3 pokemon! most boss battles in the game had so few pokemon, it honestly felt strange. i love gym battles and stuff in pokemon games, i love using unorthodox strategies and going in underleveled for fun, and i play every pokemon game on set mode w no items in battle by default casually so there’s almost always some sort of thinking i have to do, but w X i was so overleveled and the gym leaders had so few pokemon that for the most part it was just spamming A for a minute and then it was over. at the very least when i beat the league i had some fun with it and set up with my unevolved skiddo w bulk up to tear through diantha’s team

bc of how braindead battles were for me in this playthrough i mainly got enjoyment from pokedex completion which is something i always find fun and X is no exception - most of those 51 hrs are probably me looking for rare hordes and whatnot, i had a blast with the encounter variety in this game and trying to collect everything possible as i went. i also thought the berry fields and battle chateau were super cool and i interacted w those a lot daily. there’s a lot i could say about the smaller features too, super training, amie, the PSS (best online service for pokemon ever btw), o powers, restaurants in lumiose, etc, but i don’t have the energy to get into it rn. suffice to say when X’s side features they shine, they do really shine, even though i found the main campaign underwhelming

as for story…

when i started this playthrough all i really remembered from playing this game when i was 13 was the post-e4 sequence with AZ (still made me tear up as a 24 year old lol) and the cool xerneas encounter cutscene, and they are definitely the highlights of this game because the story of XY is what i was most disappointed by, i was really hoping i’d find new appreciation for it despite what everyone says about the story being weak and i really did try so it’s a little frustrating the game just didn’t deliver

yeah the pacing is weird and the rivals might as well have the depth of cardboard cutouts (one note and completely unable to be characterized outside of their roles) but that’s not really my main issue w the game. i don’t think i picked up on this stuff as a 13 year old but as an adult playing i was really uncomfortable with pokemon trying to make a story about literal genocide and eugenics but handling it so carelessly. like some of the dialogue actively disturbed me and i don’t think the writing is good enough to convey the nuance of what it’s TRYING to say, especially to kids, which i think is necessary for topics like this

i assume that they were trying to say something about the obliviousness of adults and people in general because of Sycamore being so blindly trusting of Lysandre and also totally incapable of accomplishing anything himself (seriously how did anyone like this guy, it must solely be because he’s french and hot, dude dropped out of learning about mega evolution bc he just Gave Up, and then he shoved that on some kids as if it was new research but it wasn’t, and then when lysandre tries to commit genocide his apology is so halfassed and Nothing, and also dialogue implies he’s not even doing professor shit he’s just goofing off while you save the world and do his research for him, it’s not charming it’s Annoying and irresponsible) but god damn i dont think it came off how they intended. all of the adults in this game are blind to what’s going on (even having their holocasters spied on) and give sympathy to Eugenics Man but even after the world is saved, new NPCs after the fact still express sympathy to Lysandre and the main characters like Sycamore don’t properly make up for their behavior. the game’s writing just sort of excuses everyone being a dipshit about literal eugenics and doesn’t properly apologize to the children who took a stand (the apologies given were basically nothing) in a way that i think is genuinely irresponsible considering the subject matter. it’s one thing for a pokemon game to have lackluster writing and another for it to have shitty writing when something so analogous to real life like this is involved. plus the plot moves on from the events of team flare so quickly it just feels Silly tbh and its not helping the writing’s case

idk i think XY had some interesting lore and history (btw that museum in lumiose city is super cool) and the potential with AZ was crazy and that post-e4 sequence still hits like a train, but the poor handling of the eugenics topic and the shitty pacing really took me out of it. i’m glad that after this pokemon scaled back the sheer gravity of its subject matter just a bit because oof

if i wrote this directly after beating the game my thoughts would probably be more organized so sorry if this isn’t making my points effectively but yeah idk. i’m still on and off working on my friend safari and i plan to do more in X eventually but for now i am good

#kiki was here #kiki.txt #kiki plays games #x playthrough #sorry for all the negativity i promise i still had a fun time lol #i have baseline enjoyment for all pokemon games #and XY definitely has positives

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sea-salted-wolverine · 7 months

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Do you ever have a moment where a passing recollection from childhood flutters through your brain, and you almost don't consider it until you realized that it was actually really fucking strange? And then you call your mom, and hesitatingly because you don't really trust your six-year-old imagination and memory, describe your version of events and ask for the perspective of someone who was an adult at the time, only to have her offer clarification that is perhaps a dozen times more bat shit than what you thought happened?

I was 6. I might have been 5. Maybe 7. I dont really know. It's not important. My brother is 4 years younger than me and he could walk and had teeth at the time. That is important.

We were regularly going to service at my grandmother's church. There was a children's area/playground/daycare thing that was offered as an alternative for sermons so no one had to deal with the loud fidgety babies. I think, like I said, I don't super trust my recollection.

There was a disagreement. I made someone cry. There was no hitting. We were asked to leave and then only showed up to church again after that on Easters and Christmas.

That's what I remember. Which isn't a huge deal until you think about how badly things had to go for an entire family to get kicked church. Semi permanently. So I asked about it several decades later.

Let it be said that I am an atheist not because I had some grand dramatic break up with God, but because there just was no religion at all in my life, certainly nothing that's stuck. This is why. It is also worth noting that this happened within like a month.

So first, the pastor/the reverend/someone in charge was embezzling money. How? Is that even possible? Fuck if I know. My grandmother did not go to church for the reverence or the religion, she went for the politics. She's the kind of woman who enjoys holding power over other people. She and Pop-pop were at elders at the church and had opinions about the misappropriation of funds. It gives me joy to conceptualize this in the tones of some gritty mafia movie so that's how it's gonna be. There was a titanic covert power struggle over the fiscal health of this suburban community church.

Dad actually did have a dramatic break up with the bad boyfriend that is God. How and where exactly this happened in the timeline is unclear.

Mom and Granny were both in the bell's choir. Singing and music and fun times. Also quite a bit of homophobia. This was the nineties and a different church down the road had announced they were open to having gay weddings. This resulted a fervor of gossip and unchristian remarks about awful degenerates burning in hell. Mom did not appreciate this and managed to create a schism throughout the choir, starting a cold war of dirty looks and sneers. Evidently the music took a turn for the shitty as well. To be clear, This was not a case of activism or allyship. This was a group of people who believed themselves to be superior for not being gay versus a group of people who believed themselves superior for not gossiping.

The day care thing, turned out to be a series of separate incidences. The first being when baby me having hyperfixated on Greek myths decided to info dump on my sister and inform her that the Greek gods were just stories and fake, just like jesus and the Christian God. This also resulted in some consternation from the adult who is supposed to be watching us and in theory guiding us towards a more godly life. Supposedly there was a serious talk with my parents after the fact. However there have been so many serious talks with my parents about my behavior and the things that come out of my mouth that they have in fact blurred together and even my mom has no idea what I did. It is worth noting that this probably did not help my dads Spiritual Questioning.

There were several other incidences but the culminating moment, the one that wound up with us walking out mid service to never return, started when my mother's 17 year old cat died fighting something in the Bush.

This cat was an outdoor cat and as a result kill a lot of things. Baby me had a very good idea of what dead animals looked like and everything that entailed. Baby me had also not really been formally introduced to the concept of heaven, which seems like an oversight on the part of some adult.

So at the day care thing we are all sitting in a circle, going around, and talking about sad things that have happened to this group of slightly older than toddlers so we will have something to pray about. There is another little girl whose cat has died.

I would like to think that the adult version of me would have handled this better.

The long and the short of it is, I informed everyone that heaven wasn't real, dead things stay dead forever, there isn't really such thing as a soul, especially not for cats. Just imagine the worst tone-deaf atheist asshole you know, except 6.

So, she started bawling. The adult that is meant to be in charge is just staring at me in horror. No one told him that he would have to explain the afterlife today. And they really didn't mention that he would be cross-examined by a critical six-year-old while another one sobs.

The conversation that followed had to be hilarious, but due to the foibles of my brain and the intervening decades, I do not remember it at all. A great loss for us all.

Remember how I said it was important that my baby brother has teeth at this point? While I am engaged in theological debate with an increasingly desperate Day care worker, my wonderful loving and loyal baby brother is told that I am a mean person. While this is arguably true, he also loves me. Significantly more than he loves common sense. Or manners. Or Jesus for that matter. His big sister is the best person in the world, actually.

Queue the fighting for my honor.

Yes, he started biting.

My sister is an empathetic cryer and is now also sobbing.

The poor daycare man has not convinced me that heaven exists, but he's now wondering if this is the threshold of hell. Someone goes to get mom or dad or granny or anyone who can do anything about the tiny heathens unleashed on the kiddy hour.

So, yeah. We never went back. Only my sister ever missed it. Next Sunday, Mom told us to go explore the abandoned gravel pit for an hour or so.

#religious trauma #Technically #Someone is definitely traumatized #Famdamnily #Wolverine warbles #There are extra spaces in here i can't remove #Im gonna end up turning the reblogs off on this one

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caterpillarinacave · 8 months

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Got any random Fairchild family headcanons, especially ones pertaining to Matthew and Henry?

Oh, I always have headcanons!

Also, sorry I took so long to answer, I am currently withering away to sawdust.

Matthew was one of those “nicely disobedient kids”. Someone will be like “okay, keep your shoes on okay? It’s important not to take them off in here alright?” and he's like “yeah yeah yeah! I got it!” then tears his pants and shirt away and takes off running.

Both Matthew and Charles were those kids who just hung off their parents 24/7. Actually, all the TID gangs kids are like that. Someone is always carrying at least one child. Henry’s lap is prime real estate. So are Will’s shoulders. What are adults if not your personal chauffeur?

Henry and Matthew actually do have very similar hair, although Matthew’s is straighter. Matthew can’t tell because, you know, he styles it, and Henry absolutely does not.

Matthew’s concern about not looking like his father in GOTSM is distressing because its so unfounded. He looks a lot like both his parents, and frankly he’s the only one who's never noticed.

Christmas is soooo fun there. Mostly because they dont do any of it at their own house, they just go to all the christmas parties they get invited to and watch shit go down. Every shadowhunter party is a madhouse. Matthew and Charles get released into the crowd of children to play, and Henry and Charlotte just kind of sit to the side and watch everything dissolve into chaos. They’ll send Matthew and Charles home with an uncle or aunt, they're staying to watch 24 year old Micheal what's his name from some corner of Britain tries to fight his 64 year old uncle over the rise of livestock taxes in liverpool. Charlotte doesnt feel morally obligated to step until chairs become involved.

Other than the entertianment of christmas chaos, holidays are fun. They come with markets and present shopping. Matthew and Charles get paired off with whatever parent, then their basically free in a christmas market (provided they stay within five feet of said parent.) Matthew goes with Henry and has the time of his life. He comes home with pockets full of peppermint candies choclaty little fingers and a whole lot of happiness. Also, did you know theres fun holiday stuff in the shadowmarket? Whats better than sitting in your dads lap while he chats with a warlock in a demon language like forty people in the world speak, then going back to the cities for a chocolate croissant. Hey, it's safer than you think, Henry's not letting Matthew go anywhere in that market lol.

Of course, there a lots of bedtime stories and songs. Matthew is big on bedtime stories, though he has a few favorites. He's quite keen on Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, and he asks for it at least once a week. That was Henry's favorite as a child, and there are several copies to pick from which may be part of why Matthew likes it so much.

When Matthew gets a little older they move onto more interesting stuff. You know, the normal books for a nine year old; like The Travels of Marco Polo. Matthew is a well educated nine year old.

There's a lot of checkers and chess. Charlotte is decent at chess, and Henry's amazing at it, though Charles Buford and Matthew are more average. Matthew does, however, enjoy the aesthetic, and can play a mean game of checkers.

Tea time is important. World might be burning down but there will be tea on the Fairchild's table.

Matthew and Charles get sent flowers on special occasions. Doesn't really matter if they want flowers, or if they are "far to old for such frivolaty, I have things to do they'll simply die-" (coughcharlesbufordcough), they get them anyway. Henry and Charlotte have had the same ancient florist from Yorkshire doing it for decades, and considering she's been ninety since Henry was about six, and shows no signs of mortality, Charles and Matthew should prepare to have flowers forever.

One good rule for the kids in that house is to a) knock, and b) if that door is locked, do NOT open it. Really a rule all the TID gang kids know. If you decide to open, or try to open, or even hang out near, a locked door (or any thin walls) may the consequences be on your own head. Look, everyone in that group loves their partner very much,

That’s why Charles Buford is so bitter btw. Didn’t know the rule, scarred for life. Pretty much like that vine.

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gatalentan · 1 year

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had a nap. am not hungover despite the tequila. final eurovision thoughts roundup in order before i shift back into abbott mode:

juries need to be reworked. its been known for many years at this stage and we can no longer pretend 5 people is a representative sample worth the same weight as the thousands per country who vote. if you tried to use 5 people as a representative sample in any other scenario you'd get laughed out of the room. they aren't eurovision experts, they're not like the panel at a gymnastics competition or something, they're just complete music industry randoms. when the two boards are this disprate it is stark evidence that the juries do not represent the music taste of the country and are given too much weight compared to the thousands of votes. it's like we watched two completely different shows. they're out of touch, corruptable, and value "art value" (ballads) over what the viewing public actually values (being entertained on the entertainment show). it does not prevent bloc/diaspora voting because the juries do that just as much if not more, as we saw last year with the jury corruption scandal. it's just last year they got caught. this may be the straw that broke the camels back with the juries and i hope it is.

käärijä would not have won with the old combined system because despite getting more 12s in the public than loreen, he received so many low jury scores whereas loreen conversely received many 10s from the public. he would have won if we only had the public vote, and with a historic 2nd highest score ever tied with Sobral. it's unmistakably the juries that are the issue.

i'm happy loreen won, that's my girl, but i would have been just as happy for käärijä to win, too. i would have prefered käärijä to have won than this outcome, however, because her win is now tainted forever and will not be seen as legitimate by such a large swathe of eurofans. the amount of vitriol i'm seeing towards her, as if she manufactured this outcome, is making me so angry. as if she's the first winner to ever return, as if there isn't decades of precedent for it. her returning isn't new or special, and she was chosen by the voting public of her country in one of the most rigorous pre-esc contests, melodifestivalen. she wasn't chosen by internal selection for gimmick reasons, like the uk sending a tiktok celebrity to chase clout. so the way the historic first ever double win for a queer woman of colour has been fucked up in such a way due to a broken system is just. not the tea. i really hope she has a good support system around her in the next few weeks because she's going to end up wrongly having to shoulder so much of the blame.

show thoughts:

overall line-up fantastic, so strong I couldn't predict the bottom. a very deserved no-nil year. the fact this line-up was down to public voting rather than jury interference does not escape my notice, either.

flag parade was a really fun time and loved seeing the old guard. a shame ruslana couldnt be there but loved seeing her in the interval vt. loved seeing tina karol also, underrated by everyone except us diehard fags lol.

show was way too uk centric. despite kalush performing the intro video was all about us and our shit celebrities. sam ryder should not have gotten a solo performance and the interval should not have been about liverpudlian acts. even julia's participation was diminished from what we saw in the semis - they should have had her in the green room instead of alesha or hannah if they were going to bring in graham as a 4th. the uk did not win in 2022 and that wasn't highlighted. it was very disrespectful to ukraine's win.

the interval was a poor attempt to piggyback off of Switch Song which i dont think will ever be topped, tbqh. I am, however, so happy Dadi Freyr finally got to perform at a final after two runs that were out of his hands. It was very funny having him perform Atomic Kitten, of all things, however, lmao.

hannah was a phenomenal host in general, one of the best there's been in modern day. similar to nikkie tutorials being a great host, there's a skill to seeming relaxed and open to improvisation that most hosts do not have. comparing her to alesha dixon was night and day. it was comfortable to watch hannah because she was just inviting the audience to have fun with her. graham has this same skill because he does it on his show. other countries should take note of this and choose hosts that aren't just people who can read an autocue but instead people who are light on their feet.

hannah and graham were a fantastic duo in the jury votes, it was the first time in memory where i've enjoyed watching the hosts kiki during it instead of me going wandering around getting drinks or eating. except for hatari they didn't seem stressed about time constraints or miffed about spokespeople going over the way most hosts are and it made for a much more comfortable experience because they were just vibing. it was nice. it was like having friends in the room pulling faces.

the jury rep who said "this was an exciting night for the girls and the gays" absolutely fucking sent me to pluto.

overall i enjoyed the show, one of the most enjoyable there's been, but yeesh. the way this esc may end up being a turning point year is so fucking unfortunate.

#eurovision #esc

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bomberqueen17 · 1 year

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Are you a published author? I adore your peace tied series and how you handle characters with immense trauma and how you write younger people and children. Ive read a lot of your other work as well and throughly enjoyed it even though its about characters I dont usually like. Also elves being rodents is wonderfully cursed and I think about it 12 times a day

Ha, no, I am only published on AO3. I have had too much trouble keeping focus on original works; writing original stuff is so lonely, nobody wants to read it, and I rely so heavily on having people to bounce ideas off, having regular commenters responding to what I've put out, having people to talk to, that I have never managed to finish an original work. (My first serious attempt, in 2004, ballooned to over a million words before I gave up; I could keep going, but I couldn't do anything productive with it, and couldn't conclude it. If you look back at my AO3 history you can see that after having quit writing entirely, and then finally letting myself pick up fanfic again, I steadily chronologically improve how far I get in finishing stories and series, until the Star Wars stuff in 2016ish I think, which is notably an enormous, finished, coherent series. (The offshoot stuff, I did not finish, but had never intended to; I was only ever going to write that until I ran out of time, which is what happened.)

So I've basically been teaching myself extreme long-form writing with fanfic, but the most important thing I've been teaching myself is how to manage ideas and how to finish them. The Witcher, as we round the corner into my third year of writing it, has let me explore a lot of things including collaborations with other writers and with an artist, which has been really exciting.

So I do have, as an ultimate goal, the idea that I'll hopefully find enough collaborators to help me finish some original works-- I have a couple of ideas I have been nurturing along for years, some for decades at this point. But the journey has really been the fun bit, for a while now.

I'm glad you're enjoying the journey with me! :)

#about the author #my writing #about my writing #fanfic #asks answered #what a nice nonny

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slowjamastan · 3 days

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hi, I like you and what you post but may I ask what your view is with trans folks? I genuinely just want to know, tbh it doesn’t matter to me your views but I am just curious because you don’t seem particularly judgy but a little more traditional

oh yeah fair question. i hope u dont mind if i expand on my life a bit, bcz my views make more sense w context i think. tldr at the end

so i identified as dif flavors of nonbinary/trans/queer for nearly a decade of my life. ive been on tumblr since 2010, i called myself "trans" since age 14. ages 18~20ish i went to art school. it was a Peak Woke environment if you will and i fit right in. i dropped out when i realized the artists life wasnt for me. I had no idea what to do next with my life, so i did a lot of serious introspection and among many things, made the conscious decision to consider points of view on trans people from places other than tumblr (there is a lot wrong with me), like, i found out that people who didn’t “get” the trans thing aren’t universally stupid and considered their concerns. crazy ik. later i conclude baby steps style "hey i think 'nonbinary' as an identity might make no sense, like at all" and officially moved my worldview away from "identify as whatever you want forever uwu"

my opinion on nonbinary genderqueer etc people is that it was made up online in the early 00s at best. “but other cultures have third genders—“ yeah you mean like when gay men aren’t considered real men? or when theres no male children in a family and a girl has to take on that role? nonbinary folx are either children or immature adults who can barely function in society. thats not a moral failing btw but it is hard to watch

from this point forward, assume im talking about binary trans people.

i dont believe gendered pronouns are a decision you get to make, theyre when someone looks at you and diagnoses your appearance as one of two things, and trans or not you dont get to decide how other people see you. trying is an easy way to drive yourself insane and get 500 plastic surgeries and do nothing but obsess over your appearance for your short time on earth. this isnt controversial right? we've all seen trashy reality stars with fucked up faces and botched boob jobs right? trans ppl look like that to me. again, not a moral failing, but def a red flag considering, for instance, the price tag and self centeredness transitioning implies. but anyway it feels ridiculous to handle random men in skirts or women with green hair with kiddie gloves in public yk so i just gender em as i see em. i dont give them any space in my brain bcz why should i. sorry if u dont pass and are going to angry tweet ab this interaction, its not my problem

i started identifying with truscum types (because i was never doing the trans thing “for fun” ive been uncomfortable in my body and had complicated feelings on being seen as female for most of my life), and committed to being a trans man full time age 21~22. started therapy soon after while weighing the risks of T on my health and safety and what exactly i wanted from it, even tho i WOULD be kicked out if i medically transitioned and i had no safety net nor any close friends to help me, so i kept putting it off. i was saving as much money as i could from my pt job (while going to community college for my ged) but mentally getting worse and worse. so i got a prescription for ssris.

in a few months, zoloft not only helped my overall mental state but also alleviated the fixation on my body parts being somehow wrong (or maybe it was all the same thing?). it took away my ability to mentally spiral about gender for hours at a time. i dont know if thats a normal effect, or i got placeboed out of wanting to transition somehow. but i experienced the hypothetical scenario "what if you woke up one day and didnt want to be trans anymore" after 10 years of trans identity and organizing my life around transition as a goal.

it was awful but mostly a huge relief. the dysphoria (or dysmorphia or whatever it was) had felt innate and had been with me my whole life and it was just gone, age 23ish. i felt genuinely neutral about myself and my body, and didnt feel like other peoples image of me being “wrong” would make me kms. could have had something to do with my brain maturing also. (as an aside: it felt like 1/3 of my brain had been dedicated to the gender musing pathways and then stopped all at once. my head genuinely hurt. it was a bizarre physical sensation, like a lobe removal, and it took a good year for that to go away)

ive since gone on and off then quit my meds for good, and the mental spiral patterns came back, but its not strictly about my body anymore. its an overthinking pattern that can latch on to anything. (my friend with ocd described a similar cycle she gets caught in. i dont have full blown ocd but i can relate)

i realize my experience isnt universal ofc. gender dysphoria could be a result of a lot of things, but i dont think its an innate hardwired thought pattern. my take is its a result of trauma / autism / mental issues / bi/homosexuality in whatever combination. this is a personal opinion subject to change given evidence, naturally.

anyway. after the dysphoria evaporated, i moved on quick. my ideas about gender were still all over the place. i tried to be more feminine for a while to "match" how i "felt inside". i forced it, didnt enjoy it, but it was fine i guess. i was still insecure about my gender presentation. i still do have body issues, but who doesnt. i wear a mix of clothing styles these days and often get theythemed on vibes alone. im beating the tradwife allegations i promise

this is the point in the average detrans 20-somethings life where she will call herself a TERF semi-ironically and be a shithead online, which is what i did for a while. you pick up new perspectives that feel freeing and suddenly youre above all that gender drama bullshit, like finally you get to look down on the people suffering and laugh because theyre too dumb to "get it." its cathartic after a decade of feeling insane and suddenly feeling capable of living without inherent suffering. i reached gender nirvana and im better than you :3

then you wake up from that and go wait, that was fucking stupid lol. truly terminally online behavior, but i dont have regrets really. the most evil terfily thing i did, if ur wondering, was co-run a blog that reblogged selfies posted in public tumblr mlm tags. i dont think we even added commentary, but we got soooo much hatemail lmaooo. rip straightgirlarchive 🙏

even at peak terf phase i had irl trans friends by the way, and male friends for that matter.

i think the best way i could describe my feelings on trans people now is like meeting someone with a face tattoo, who also treats that tat like a religious experience. they can feel like this represents to the world who they are and are very serious about the symbolism of this tattoo, and thats fine. its trendy in many circles to have face tats rn (wont be for long) but theyre built different, they always needed this face tattoo to be themselves. bro u just dont understand the inner journey like u wouldnt GET it.... and then they complain about not being employable or single or how their loved ones are struggling to get used to their new look...you see what im saying. you get it

i dont hate people like this. i dont think trans people are subhuman or anything. but i am so so SO glad im not one of yall anymore u are ANNOYINGGGGG. I WAS ANNOYING!!!!! in hindsight i sucked so much and was insufferable to be around if u werent on My Level Of Gender Understanding which was based on nothing but social media infographics, >10,000 hours of blind introspection, and Vibes

my god if i could go the rest of my life not having to hear or think about trans stuff ever again i would. ive done my time. ive gotten my trauma. i dont wanna deal with this anymore but it is inescapable online and irl.

and of course, as a lesbian, i personally dislike what T does to womens bodies, not even getting into the top surgery epidemic.... plus theres now biological men taking over or shutting down every lesbian space. i gotta say, existing as a gay woman has never been more suicide inducing than current year /lh

but the human condition generates all types and genuinely if youre an adult and are determined to transition or microdose T or whatever, its your choice. we live in a society. im not gonna berate an alcoholic for drinking or a fat person for overeating either. hating yourself isnt a crime and i can say i find transing cringe but thats subjective and no one asked me. im just chillin, truly, and we can be friends even if i disagree with your life choices. like. its on par with being friends with someone with 200k in college debt to me. you made a dumbass decision imo but maybe to you its worth it, and what are either of us gonna do about it now? im not arguing shit brother, live ur life. manage those consequences best u can. i love u

in conclusion i wasnt born destined to be trans, im a gender nonconforming lesbian with mental problems related to gender and social roles because of the lesbian thing. this is a normal experience that i overthought into body dysmorphia and identity delusions because of the culture around me... im definitely not a radical feminist. maybe call me gender crit but i dont care. i dont identify with any labels that strongly. labels are the mind killer.

TLDR:

-nonbinary isn’t a real thing outside of hyperonline exclusively-politically-left subcultures, which i personally find annoying since ive left it behind in the process of maturing. to each his own but im allowed to roll my eyes and not play along with larping teenagers and it doesn’t make me evil

-there are no major female / male brain differences. there are no gendered souls. gender dysphoria shouldn’t be treated with transition, because extreme body modification is a mental illness problem in every case. i can’t stop anyone with my opinions obviously but if i could talk to my younger self, id say wait until you’re 25 for the brain development, and in the meantime try less invasive/understudied treatments to improve quality of life.

final disclaimer: i am in my 20s. my views on life and social issues will continue to evolve as long as i live, but the cringe i feel when seeing visibly trans people will never truly go away due to personal traumas. and my trans exes, probably. im super over the queer scene, im a normie gay now. blessings peace love and light

#thanks 4 your patience i had a busy day yesterday. i wrote like 2 versions of this bc i wanted to get my feelings across so bad #its still all over the place but i think it came out better than last time i tried to articulate my feelings on the trans population #mail #post #i deleted a lot of tangents. i like talking ab myself. maybe i just need to write a biography

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camille-lachenille · 9 days

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20 questions for fic writers

Took me forever to answer but here I am! I was tagged by @echo-bleu

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

36 on my main pseud, the rest being either translations or old stuff I archived from Wattpad.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

89,808 words... How? I write mostly one shots, where do all these words come from?

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently the Silmarillion and LOTR, but I dabbed into the Hobbit fandom and Six of Crows when I first made my AO3account

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Elflings don't grow in a garden (usually) (Silm/LOTR)

Change of the Seasons (Hobbit)

Once upon aDecember in Ravka (Six of Crows)

An unlikely friendship (LOTR)

An ever-growing family (Silm/LOTR)

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes, even if it’s only an emoji and it takes me ages.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Dreams of Doom. It follows Niënor from the moment she arrives in Brethil to her death so, yeah, canon is not kind to her. But I think Náro isn’t far behind because I played with the contrast between a very soft start and an angsty ending to make it even more brutal.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I dont' know... Most of my fics have either a very fluffy ending or a bittersweet one so it's hard to decide. But after pondering the question I'm going to say Ice Age(s) which is bittersweet but the end is definitely very fun and promising for the characters

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Luckily never.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Nope. I wrote a few scenes with implied/vague sexual content in Dreams of Doom but it’s not smut.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I dont' write crossovers. Anymore. I wrote a few super whacky Percy Jackson-Harry Potter crossovers when I was 13 and had just discovered fanfiction.

But in my curred era of writing, the closes thing I have to a crossover is my forever WIP A Season in Alqualondë which is a Regency Au, Jane Austen style Silm fic.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but I translated two (one is currently still being translated but I dont' have the brain to work on it often)

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Never, and I don’t think I’ll do it. I’m terrible at working with someone else.

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

Éowyn x Faramir and Celebrían x Elrond

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Tori daughter of Nori, a Hobbit fic where Nori finds an abandoned elfling during his wanderings and adopts her. I have lots of notes and even a few scenes written for this fic but I just don't have inspiration for it anymore.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Making people feel things? I also really like roccuring images and metaphors thoughout the story, to emphasis the characters' feelings or background. From several comments I know I am good at writing very strong contrast between the softest scene and the angstiest angst in a few sentences/paragraphs X) (see Náro or Dreams of Doom)

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Verb tenses. English isn't my first language so I admit to go a bit freestyle regarding verbs and sometimes even sentence structure. I also find writing dialogs quite difficult and always fear they'll come out as stilted and artificial, hence why I make the characters speak as little as possible (Tolkien did that, I am only trying to emulate his style XD)

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

As said above, dialogues aren't one of my stengths so I try not to incorporate another language unless absolutely necessary to the story.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Percy Jackson, on Wattpad, nearly a decade ago.

20. Favourite fic you've written?

Ask me to choose my favourite child! But if I have to pick the one I am the most proud of, the one I spent most time and research and went really out of my comfort zone to write, it's clearly Dreams of Doom. I feel that, in terms of writing angst and character developement this fic is a turning point in my style.

And since I'm so late I don't tag anyone

#ask game #tag game #my fics #fanfic writer

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gothmods · 1 month

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Mega tmi below the cut (sex stuff again)

Well.

I think i can definitely conclude that while i do have a lot of sexuality baggage from yknow christian upbringing cisheteronormative society etc etc and i still think i have a low sex drive and am not very sensitive down there at least to my own touch and still resent the universe for denying me a dick

I can conclude that i am not asexual. The decade long quest for answers reaches some type of end.

I feel good. Yes in that a weight has now been lifted but more that this is one of like, less than a handful of times getting off has felt good, has been something i enjoyed.

All things considered its a mild enjoyment, it was fun but not earth-shatteringly brilliant. But i think it would be more fun with a partner, which like will probably still not be life changing or anything...

And yet that kinda is why its life changing for me. Years of all this anxiety and self harm and its like, its like ive been standing stuck on the doorstep for so long and the doors started to look bigger and heavier but now they are finally open and i can just. Let go? just sit with sex and sexuality as just another part of [my] life.

I liked it, i want to do it again. This is the first time ive been able to feel that way.

Moving on to less emotional notes

- douching, not as much work as you would think. Ive worked out how my body usually is so its a matter of scheduling but the actual prep was straightforward.

- vibrators are a godsend. Still figuring out what feels best but defs beats the hand by a long shot.

- arms and limbs are awkward. Multitasking very hard, suddenly very much understand the appeal of the suction cup dildo. Towel is very good idea also because lube can and does get everywhere.

- have definitely decided i like anal though. Its fun, reminds me a bit of the gentle burn you get from doing muscle based workouts. But without the pain of doing muscle based workouts.

- i like how i feel afterwards too. Front hole stuff has never felt good to me but also would give me abdominal cramping afterwards :/ i dont remember if that was the case pre-t but its never felt good during anyway so

- clean up is a pain. Wish i had my own bathroom. Picture if you will a guy carrying two different glass toys, a wand vibrator, an enema and a bottle of sex toy cleaner through the yard at night and then having to open multiple doors to get to the bathroom all while trying to be quiet enough to not wake his grandmother up (granny flat bathroom is only accessible via the bedroom 😬)

So yeah probably not something i will be doing often unless there comes another time i get the house to myself for a week or something.

Nonetheless excited to keep trying things.

I feel kinda embarrassed writing all this but the thing is i am 24 and having to learn these things for the first time and thats okay. But also i think the past decade and my relationship with sexuality would have been a lot easier to navigate if i had known anyone with similar experiences. I mean i know a lot of people had similar upbringings to me and we all live in a society but its been. Its been very isolating because of how that affected me.

I dont think ive seen much shared at all in terms of experiences with compulsive self harm in a sexual context. If it had just been anxiety and self-loathing i would have been able to deal with it much sooner i think.

But the self harm was a kind of feedback loop of like, you self harm -> you feel shame and disgust and misery -> those feelings become your primary association with sexual thoughts and behaviour -> the only sexual thoughts you get are intrusive and distressing -> self harm becomes a means of feeling in control of the distress -> and on we go again and again and again

But its over. Its actually over and i want to cry. Its been weeks and i havent self harmed and im finding it a little easier to deal with triggers and just. I want to cry so much because i feel so fucking relieved.

The power of anal sex....

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