#admin treasa

[houses-of-healing]

Give a me a good reason not to kill myself right now.

Hello dear,I think there are a lot of potentially good reasons. It all depends on what you think is good, so I’ll offer a few choices:I’ve heard that many people realize that their problems are totally solvable. I think this is the case for most people and most problems. Killing yourself might seem like the solution right now but it’s not. Your problems can be solved. Your situation can get better. But that can only happen if you’re here.There are people who would miss you. Some of them might be people who depend on you. Some of them might be people you depend on now. Some of them might be classmates or coworkers or people who go to the same religious services you do. Some of them might be people here on the internet who will never know what happened but will always wonder. Some of them might be strangers that you see around town all the time, who will also never know what happened but will always wonder. Some of them might be your pets.Right now, you don’t know what your future life will include. Some of us are set on paths with an obvious destination from birth, but most of us are not. I borrow a friend’s computer to write these messages and this friend regularly tells me about all the things that have happened in her life that she never expected, sometimes even just a few months or weeks before they happened. And you know, many of those unexpected things have been good. There is only one of you in the world and there are things only you can bring to the world. I know sometimes it doesn’t seem that way. Society is harsh on us like that, making it seem like if we haven’t accomplished some huge thing by an incredibly young age then we have failed. But it’s not true and never has been true. Sometimes whatever it is we’re supposed to add to the world can only be added after a long wait, while we grow and learn and collect experiences. Maybe you’re feeling lost in life, like there’s no point, but there is. I would also encourage you to reach out for some professional crisis help. I’m just one person now, after all. If you’re in the US or Canada, there is a text-based crisis line here. I found a list of suicide hotlines around the world here. Wikipedia has a list of crisis help lines around the world too, here. You might even be able to find one that is specific to your situation and not just your country if you check that list.

I hope we can hear from you in the future and that you’re alright, friend. Please give those resources a look if you feel like you need more help -- even if you don’t think you need it right now.

Best,Aragorn

#tw: suicide #answered by aragorn #admin treasa #crisis resources #Anonymous

[houses-of-healing]

Could this be read by Glorfindel or Aragorn? I'm 21 and I never had a boyfriend, or even a first kiss. I was never asked out. To be fair, I didn't really meet anyone I would want to date, and it seemed bit unfair to try and actively get together with someone just for the sake of being in a relationship. It never really bothered me because I believed that I will meet someone one day. But in the past year or so everyone around me is getting into happy relationships and it's getting to me. - Al 1/2

Al 2/2 - I've started to feel so terribly lonely. I've made some progress into being more confident and accepting of myself, going as far as feeling beautiful sometimes, which is a big change for me. But I'm wondering if it's all just in my head, that there must be something really unappealing about me since no guy showed a romantic interest in me ever. I just... I don't know what do. Sorry to take up your time with something so silly.---------------------------------------------Greetings, Al,I think you’re running up against a few different things here, so I’d like to address these points individually, if that’s alright.First of all, your struggles with confidence and self-acceptance. It sounds like you’re already making some huge progress, so that’s wonderful! I’m a little concerned that you’re partly basing these things on outside influences, in this case on whether or not a man (any man) has ever been interested in you. I wonder if it might be helpful for you to focus on other activities and other things right now, like spending time with your friends (get out there and make new ones if you have to) or exploring some new solo hobbies. The thing is, your worth is never determined by whether or not other people (specific people or generic people) view you in a particular way. What would happen if you actively decided not to be concerned with it for a little while and decided to put your energy into something else? What other kinds of things do you think would help you feel more confident or beautiful or whatever it is you want to feel? What if you tried doing those things instead for awhile?Second, and I think this is very important, you must remember that your life timeline is not the same as everyone else’s and it doesn’t have to be. Just because something hasn’t happened by the time you’re a particular age doesn’t mean that it won’t, and it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. It just means that, for whatever reason, this isn’t your time for this particular thing to happen. I don’t know if it will help, but remember that Arwen was well over 2000 years old before we even met. But I think it’s normal to feel pressure to reach certain milestones at a certain age. Society really pushes these ideas on us, after all. The reality is that plenty of people don’t live lives that fit the narrative of how things “should” be or “should” go. I think it might do you some good to actively seek out the stories of people like yourself who haven’t reached those relationship milestones by your age (or even by later ages) so that you can better see that you aren’t alone. You might also want to ask your friends for a little help here -- you can be happy for them without wanting every interaction you have with them to be about their new relationships. Let them know that you love them and you’re happy from them but you want to do things with THEM or just talk to them about things YOU share with them without it always being about their relationships. If you’re connected to them on social media, don’t feel bad about finding some ways to disengage with the constant relationship chatter either, whether that means muting people for a little while or using systems like Tumblr Savior to block certain content or even just taking a break from social media. You have every right to take care of yourself by limiting your exposure to content you don’t want to see. Just remember to be kind to your friends in the process.Finally, if you’re ACTUALLY interested in meeting and dating people, and they aren’t coming to you first...you might have to go to them. Look into some online dating. Be the first person to open communications. Want to go out with a guy? Ask him yourself, don’t ask for him to ask you. Do your friends know you’re looking? Let them know, they might know someone who might be interesting/interested in you. See if there are singles events near you and give them a try. Basically, if you want to date, you can’t always wait for someone else to initiate it. That strategy isn’t working for you so far. Time to try something else. It’s fine if you’re not ready for all that now -- you might want to spend a little time working on that first point before jumping right into this one. But when you’re ready, it’s a good idea to be proactive in forging your own future. Anyway, I hope that can be of some help to you, and I wish you the best of luck. It seems to me that you’re already on a good path to accomplish your goals and find what you want in life, so please do continue on.

Best, Aragorn

#relationships #answered by aragorn #admin treasa #Anonymous

[houses-of-healing]

Hello, to whoever in Middle Earth may find the kindness and time to read me. First of all, sorry for my English. I'm a 24yo man from Spain. It's difficult to remember when it started, because I've always been a very sensitive and melancholic child and teenager, but I'd say it's been 8 years now since my depression started. In these last years, I'd say there's been only a couple days in which I wouldn't choose to die if there was a magical button to kill me instantly.

2. One of those very few days was when I went to The Two Towers live concert with choir and all, while they played the movie in a big screen at the same time. Tolkien has always helped me through my life, being my main source of hope and strength. “Aurë entuluva”, Frodo’s endurance and sacrifice, Gandalf’s wise words and everything else always helped me. But the other day I was scared when I was watching my LOTR marathon and…I didn’t feel that hope. I think I’m reaching the end.3. Because if Middle Earth is failing me, or should I say, if I am failing to find hope and strength in Middle Earth, then there’s nothing left. The source of my problems is difficult to say, I just don’t know. Probably a mix of my natural melancholy and sensitiveness, brokenhearted and dumped by my only girlfriend some years ago, parents that while being good haven’t been very supportive and haven’t understand how “especial” I was at all, a ton of bad choices,4., and having dropped out of university last year. I have always been a brilliant child in school, great grades, but in university I slowly started going down until last year, just before the final paper to be done, I had to quit because I swear I couldn’t go any further. I was dead inside, blocked, unable to do anything. I feel dumb, useless, left behind, pitied by everyone while they go ahead and get amazing jobs and masters and settle their independent lives.5. While I’m still here in my parent’s home doing literally nothing. In autumn I went to another country to do some volunteering and try to find a job there, but I failed to find one, though I felt very useful and happy with the volunteering, and I have come back home, and all of my problems are still here. I am a coward, hoping when I go to sleep that everything will be magically solved when I wake up.6. When my only girlfriend dumped me she shouted at me that she wanted someone who didn’t think life was like a movie. Maybe she was right. I don’t know. I am just so… tired. So so tired. I’ve been fighting with myself for many many years and I have achieved literally nothing. I am a living dead, I have deplenished every source of hope. I just really don’t want to live any longer, I can’t, I’m too tired. And I know some people have problems much worse than mine, but…7. I just can’t. I’m too scarred, too hurt. That’s all, I am very veyr sorry for the rant. I just needed to share this with the peoples of Middle Earth, the thing I love the most in this world. I wish I could leave for the Undying Lands. Thank you so much for listening to me. I’ll shut up already.

Hello friend,I’m terribly sorry you are suffering so much. I know it must feel like the world is conspiring against you, but I don’t think that’s the case. I think you have had a streak of bad luck with some things. But I think you are also suffering from a true problem here. I fear the problem might be beyond the skills of any of us here.You may not know the root cause of your problem but it seems to me that you know the problem itself (long-term depression). The root may be something that happened in your life but it may also be something as simple (...relatively speaking) as a medical problem. Given the severity of your symptoms, I really want you to do something important for me and for yourself: I want you to talk to a doctor. I don’t know much about how it works in Spain but you might be able to get help from your regular doctor. You should also consider looking for a therapist (psychologist or psychiatrist) who can help you get to the bottom of things and can help you get whatever you need to make things better. Of course we are here to talk! But the things you say have made me quite worried for your safety and I think it would be a good idea for you to have someone in Spain who can help too. Middle Earth is quite far away after all.If any readers have some ideas for our friend, please feel free to contribute, especially if you know of any good resources in Spain.I hope you find peace, friend,Aragorn

#depression #mental health #tw: depression #answered by aragorn #admin treasa

[houses-of-healing]

Dear Aragorn, Please I love my fiancé dearly. He is a good man who treats me better than any other. But he doesn’t inspire passion in me. I don’t want to be with anyone else but I fear I can’t live without this aspect. What do I do? -kitten

Greetings Kitten,This is indeed a difficult position to find yourself in. I think one of the first things you need to do is to postpone any wedding you may be planning now. Yes, you may lose some money on anything you have already booked if you have to actually cancel services in light of your postponement, but I think it is important to take the stress and distraction of wedding planning out of the equation here. You might also consider talking to someone about your concerns. Talk you friends and family, of course, but also think about seeing a professional -- maybe someone who has experience with relationships. It might not be a bad idea to invite your fiance to come with you, since you’re going to need to discuss all of this with him sooner or later anyway.Ultimately, you’re allowed to decide that something is a deal-breaker in your relationships and that you can’t be involved in a relationship -- especially one as serious as a marriage -- that doesn’t suit your needs. I think it’s good to be honest about the fact that relationships change over time and that the way a relationship is when it’s new is not going to be how it is when you have been together for a few months, years, or decades. That’s just how it is, because we all grow and change, and so do our relationships. If what you mean by “passion” is the “we just started dating and it’s amazing” feeling, then you might need to accept that it’s normal for relationships to move on past that phase. If “passion” is something else like...hmm, I don’t know...spontaneous romantic gestures...that is something fixable and probably also sustainable within a long-term relationship, though it will require honest and work from both of you to accomplish. This is also why it’s important to talk to your fiance, because communication is so very important in any relationship.So, those would be my main recommendations. Postpone the wedding (or delay planning it if you haven’t begun). Talk to people about your feelings. Communicate with your fiance about what is going on and how you feel. Enlist the aid of a professional to help you work this out if possible. I wish you and your fiance the best, Kitten, regardless of where your path leads.-- Aragorn

#relationships #answered by Aragorn #admin treasa #Anonymous

[houses-of-healing]

Hey Galadriel, it's E. Good news: the awkwardness has faded and me and the guy are friends again. Bad news: I'm really jealous. We're doing scenes in our acting class and his requires him to kiss his partner- his very blonde, short, petite, cute partner, the complete opposite of me. I know she has a boyfriend and I have 0 claim over him, but this feels like the universe is pointing and laughing at me. I don't feel the same for him as I did before, but I still feel sick at the thought of it.

Greetings E,Well, I’m glad you are no longer suffering awkwardness. I’m also glad you acknowledge that your jealousy really has no grounds. I’m not sure that there is any way to force yourself to be okay with this. Sometimes we just need to live with the pain for a little while until it fades on its own, or we find other things to distract ourselves. Ultimately the universe is almost certainly not pointing and laughing at you -- I find that the universe is just not interested in such petty sentiments. This sort of disappointment is an irritating but normal part of life for the vast majority of us and we all need to find ways to deal with it. I’m not sure what you have tried. Talking with your friends about it? Sometimes a good vent is just what you need, just be careful not to DWELL on the negativity. Journaling? Just simply finding other things to do and think about?Also, I do hope they were not actually KISSING for real. There is such a thing as stage kissing and it seems to me that they should have been practicing that technique in addition to whatever else they were doing in that scene.There is no easy answer here, I know. The best we can do is persevere and realize that our disappointments are not more powerful than ourselves.Best,Galadriel

#relationships #friendship #answered by Galadriel #admin treasa #geekgirlpowr

[houses-of-healing]

Hello, my name is Elizabeth and I was wondering if I could request Aragorn, please? Thank you so much. A couple of days ago, my family found out that my grandfather has a blood clot on his brain and was rushed in emergency surgery that night. I’m really terrified for him and my family. Earlier today, they had another surgery on his brain, and even removed part of his skull (it’s now in his stomach to keep it alive & able to be put back later) to get the swelling down. (Elizabeth part one of two)

The doctors and surgeons said everything is looking really good and that he’s progressing like other patients with similar stories. I just feel so worried and scared though, and I feel like I can’t talk to my family about it since my Mom and Nana are all over the place as it is. This situation happened out of nowhere too and I’m just so terrified and I keep crying. He's my best friend, and we do so much together. Anyway, thank you so much for listening to me. 

------------

Greetings, Elizabeth,

I apologize for the delay in my answer. I have been embroiled in some difficulties in Gondor recently, and unfortunately they demanded all of my time. 

I hope that your grandfather has been recovering since you wrote to me. From the sounds of it, his doctors expected a good recovery and I hope they have been correct. 

Now, I think that you should talk to your family about it. I’m sure your mother and grandmother are concerned and scared too, but that does not mean they don’t want to hear about your feelings. I think the three of you could all help each other by sharing your thoughts and feelings and spending time together while your grandfather recovers. You don’t have to be the rock or the one with no feelings here, and I think trying to make yourself be so for your family would be harmful to you. So sit down and talk to your mother and/or grandmother about what’s going on. Share your feelings and listen to theirs. Hug each other, cry together, reminisce about your grandfather together, reassure each other that things are going well. Plan some time together to go do something else that isn’t about your grandfather, but is about yourselves and supporting yourselves. I think many people assume that they will be burdens to others if they share their feelings but I think this is not the case most of the time. Sharing your feelings can actually be a great support because you and the person you share with will both have the knowledge that you are not struggling alone. You can turn to your family for support and they can turn to you. Together, you can overcome any struggle. Remember that the members of the Fellowship did not complete our great tasks as individuals, but rather, we worked together and supported one another and in that way we were able to do everything we needed to do.

If for some reason you absolutely cannot talk to your mother and grandmother, or you try to and it goes poorly, be careful not to shut yourself away to struggle alone. Find another family member who is more able to support you. If family is not an option, see if you can talk to a friend (or your friend’s parents), a teacher, a religious leader, or even a professional counselor or therapist. You probably have many options so there is probably no reason for you to go through this alone. Of course you can also write to us again as well.

My best wishes for your grandfather’s recovery, and I hope you and he have plenty of time together.

Best,Aragorn

#family #helping others #answered by Aragorn #admin treasa #Anonymous

[houses-of-healing]

Dear Aragorn,My name is Alia and I suffer from social anxiety disorder. It is not as severe as it was before and I made a lot of progress, but I am still unable to fight some situations. If something goes wrong I can’t stop telling myself that I am awkward, a freak, that people will judge me and that I am unable to perform well in society. I had a panic attack today about something that stressed me a lot. (Alia 1)

The other problem is that even if I see a therapist, my family doesn’t really understand what is going on. My mother treats it as it was something that could be easily overcome, which, for me is not, and I struggle with finding support. Thank you very much for your answer !

----------------------------------Greetings, Alia,I think it’s very good that you have made progress -- enough that you have noticed! That’s quite an accomplishment and you should be proud of it, even if you feel like you still have a ways to go. There’s nothing wrong with having more progress yet to make. Most journeys that are worthwhile are long and have many difficulties. I think this is no different.

Now, I’m not a professional when it comes to this specific situation, but I was wondering if you might be able to re-frame the things you tell yourself a bit. First of all I think you’re probably performing very well in society. To be honest with you I don’t know anyone who is always perfect in every situation. And I would also add that most people are very focused on themselves and their own issues in most situations and probably aren’t even noticing the things you think might be so awkward. So I would start by reminding yourself of that. You’ll probably have to really focus on this at first. The goal is to re-train yourself about how you think of these situations and that takes a lot of time and conscious effort. It feels weird at first, so be ready for that. While you’re doing that, maybe also consider asking yourself the question “so what?” For example...someone thinks you’re awkward. So what? That’s not your problem, that’s their problem. Awkwardness, stress, anxiety, even panic attacks are not moral failings. You’re not wrong or bad for experiencing these things.As for your family, that might be a little more difficult to deal with, and in the end you might need to seek your support elsewhere. Families don’t always understand the things we need them to understand or provide the support we need them to provide, and there can be all kinds of reasons for this. If you’re not currently seeing a therapist I think it would be a good idea to find one again. If you ARE seeing a therapist, consider asking them about strategies for communicating your needs to your family. They might also be able to provide you with additional resources for finding support outside of your family. If you can’t count on your parents, could you count on extended family, friends, friends’ parents, teachers or coaches, religious leaders in your community, or maybe even a local support group? Nothing can really replace the support of family...but sometimes we have to try, and do our best to find other solutions.I hope some of that advice is helpful, friend. Feel free to send me a note again any time.

- Aragorn

#social anxiety #anxiety #expectations #answered by Aragorn #admin treasa #Anonymous

[houses-of-healing]

Aragorn, I don't exactly have any one around me. I just finished my first year of college and haven't made a single friend. I couldn't be more alone. I'm left with a baby inside me. A family I can barely talk to because they don't think my mental health problems (depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies, anorexia, and ptsd) are real problems. I feel like I have no where to go. And my therapist is extremely unhelpful and the only one at my school. ~Aeneal

Greetings Aeneal,

I apologize for the delay in answering you. In addition to my other duties keeping me away, I’ve been thinking long and hard about the advice I could give you. In the end I’m not sure how helpful it will be...but let’s try anyway.

First, you are not the only person to finish a year of college with few or no friends. I know this might not be much comfort to you, but I want you to know that you’re not alone in that matter and that there’s not something wrong with you. 

Second, I also want you to know that you don’t have to be stuck with this therapist if you don’t want to be, even if they’re the only one at your school. You may be able to find another therapist with an internet search. If not, your current therapist may be able to direct you to further resources. If not, I would suggest looking for something like a domestic violence support organization, a Planned Parenthood, or even another local doctor who could direct you to additional therapy resources in your area. If all else fails, there are also online counseling options. They usually cost money, but are probably cheaper than paying for regular face-to-face therapy out-of-pocket. Remember that you are not there to serve your therapist, your therapist is there to serve you, and you have every right to fire your therapist if the relationship isn’t working out. Yes, even if your therapist is the only one at your school. When you’re in a better place, you might consider sending your school some feedback on your experience with this therapist, but don’t be concerned with that right now. 

Third, I want you to know that you are not required to stay pregnant. This one is a bit difficult because you may not have access to abortion providers in your area. And of course, you yourself may not wish to have an abortion. If you don’t want to have an abortion that’s FINE. But it’s equally FINE if you DO want to have one and if you actually have one. Literally the only person who has any right to make a decision about this is you. If you haven’t already, please look into what options might be available to you.

Fourth, if abortion isn’t an option you want to or can pursue for whatever reason, realize that that does not mean you MUST become a parent. You also have the option of putting the baby up for adoption. Again, whatever decision you make is your decision alone, and not one that someone else can make for you. It also doesn’t solve the problem of being pregnant against your will. But if you feel that you can’t face a life of parenting this specific child (regardless of how you may feel about parenting in the future), YOU DON’T HAVE TO. 

For the time being, I think your first step will have to be looking for help outside of you family AND outside of your school. There are many forms this help could take, ranging from another therapist to support groups to kind doctors and so on. If you’re religious or religion interests you, consider looking into the various religious communities around your school if you think joining one might help. Right now, you need to focus on building a supportive team for yourself. Unfortunately you also need to make decisions about what to do with your pregnancy -- these are time-sensitive and for better or worse they can’t wait until you have other things settled. 

I hope some of this is helpful, at least, and that you can find some real-world support soon too. I will always do what I can for you, but I also want you to know that just because the real world has let you down so far doesn’t mean it always will or always has to.

Best,

Aragorn

#tw: rape #tw: suicide #rape #suicide #anxiety #Aeneal #answered by Aragorn #admin Treasa #525600broadway-baby

[houses-of-healing]

Hi... Can I talk with Aragorn? If not anyone is fine. I'm Aeneal. I don't know what else to do to help get me through the day so here I am. Before you can ask, yes I am in therapy but I really need some extra support. I'm going through trauma therapy after an incident of rape. I feel so broken and worthless. I started harming again after 4 months clean. But what's worse is my (now ex) fiance left me pregnant. I'm getting flash backs from my rape and can't deal with anything. ~Aeneal

Hello Aeneal,

I’m proud of you for making it this far. What happened is certainly horrible and I think it’s quite understandable that it has left you feeling so low. But the simple fact of the matter is that it did not destroy you. You are here, talking to me, and that in and of itself is a victory. Does it feel like a small victory? I can understand that. But in my experience I have come to believe that there is no such thing as a small victory. Every victory is great, the result of hard work, and worthy of celebration.

You should know that of course you are not worthless. Your worth is not and never has been determined by the things other people do to you. Your ex-fiance’s actions reflect on him and him alone, not on you. You are a strong survivor, a victor of a battle. What is he? Not much of a man, in my opinion.

I also want you to take a good hard look at your thoughts around your self-harm. Of course it’s normal to feel upset that you have gone back to something that you but so much work into ending. But look at it this way instead: You already stopped once. You stopped for four whole months. Four months is actually a very long time. You did it once before, so I know that you can do it again. And perhaps this time you will do it for even longer. Giving up something and breaking old habits, not matter how much we want to end them, is not a short or easy journey. It has more in common with walking into Mordor than with taking a pleasant stroll around the Shire. But please consider that despite what Boromir believed, Frodo and Sam did in fact walk into Mordor. They accomplished their ultimate goal despite seemingly insurmountable hardships and impossible obstacles. It took a long time. They experienced many setbacks. But in the end they did it. So please do not allow this one setback to discourage you. 

If you haven’t already, can you build up a stronger support network around you in person? This can be anyone, including supportive friends and family or organized support groups (your therapist may be able to suggest one). It sounds like it would do you a lot of good to be surrounded by your own Fellowship of supportive people at a time like this. On a practical level, I also want you to start looking into options for your pregnancy. You have many possible options ahead of you, but time is of the essence for some of them. Your therapist may also be able to help you explore some of these options and decide which one is best for you. Remember that there is no single right or wrong answer here and in the end the only person who gets to decide which one is right for you is you. 

I will be keeping you in my thoughts, Aeneal. I hope that everything will turn out well for you, and I hope that you will continue to be strong as you move forward and forge your path towards a new life.

Best,

Aragorn

#tw: rape #tw: self-harm #rape #self harm #depression #admin Treasa #answered by Aragorn #Anonymous

[houses-of-healing]

help! i have no idea how to juggle work and school. i think everyone at work basically hates me because i come in at the most erratic times (i try really hard not to) and school is hard because when i get home all i want to do is go to bed. i thought taking online classes was a smart idea, because i wouldn't have to suffer in commute so much, but im just suffering so much more now!! how do i balance everything out while battling add and depression?

Greetings, my friend,

It might help to look at the positives as well though – look at the things you’re doing to improve your life! You’re taking classes, you’re working, and you’re thinking about the ways you can do these things without it being too stressful or difficult. It’s okay if it’s not working out quite that way yet. Sometimes this takes trial and error.

Now, for concrete suggestions…I don’t know what you’re currently doing about your work timing, but it doesn’t seem to be working. So, obviously, you need to try something else, right? Like I said I don’t know what you have already tried, but a few possibilities might include…

- setting your alarm a little bit earlier (I’m talking maybe 5-15 minutes, not something drastic like an hour) to give yourself more time in the morning.

- Some people also find success with setting their clocks AHEAD a few minutes, e.g. you see 12:30 on your clock but it’s really 12:25 or some other slightly earlier time. It tricks you into being early.

- Some morning when you don’t have to rush off to work, get up and pretend that you do, then time your morning routine to see how long it actually takes. (Even better, do this a few times so you get an idea of how long it takes when, say, you struggle with motivation because of the weather or bad mood, or when you forget where you put something you need and have to search for it, etc.). You can compare this to your current actual morning routine to see what adjustments you need to make to your scheduling (e.g. just how much earlier do you really have to get up?)

- Is there any way to simplify or streamline your morning routine? e.g. maybe you can switch dog-walking duties with someone else, or switch the dog’s walk schedule to the evening. Maybe you can simplify your makeup routine so you don’t have as much to do. Maybe you can lay out things like your outfit, your morning medicines, and anything you have to pack for work the night before. Obviously not all of these will be relevant to you (or maybe they are), so just use them as a jumping-off point for figuring out what you might be able to change.

- Set a series of alarms to help you move along in the morning. 

- If you’re not currently on a regular schedule at work (e.g. some mornings you are scheduled to come in at 8, others at 10), think about asking your boss for a more regular schedule. It might help you establish a routine. Or, if you already have a regular schedule, consider asking your boss if there can be some adjustments to your schedule (e.g. maybe 8am is too much of a challenge right now but 9am is more doable, and then of course you would have to stay an hour later as well). 

The same basic idea will apply to your schoolwork as well – if the current system isn’t working, you have to find ways to change the system. For example, maybe it would be a good idea to find someplace near your work (like a library or cafe) where you could do your school work right after your job. Then you avoid the temptation to immediately go to bed when you get home. If you have friends who are also studying, maybe you could get together with them for a study session once or twice a week. It might be worth it to consider taking classes on campus instead of online next semester, just to see if it makes a positive difference (if not, you can always go back to online classes later). 

If you have a therapist who is already working with you, it would be a good idea to talk to them about what’s going on and see if they can offer any other solutions more tailored to your specific situation. If not, maybe this is a good time to consider trying therapy out. Again, if it doesn’t help, you don’t have to keep doing it. 

If you can’t find any solutions with these kinds of changes, then you might have to take the more drastic option of cutting back on something entirely. For example, maybe you could take one less class, or drop a couple of hours of work each week. If your situation allows, you might also consider finding a new job closer to home or to your school (if you decide to take classes on campus), so you don’t have as much commuting to do. While there are downsides to this (e.g. less income, changes to your financial aid status at school), the mental health trade-off might be worth it. 

In any case, my friend, I hope that is helpful!

-- Aragorn

#answered by Aragorn #admin treasa #school #work-related #add #depression #tw depression

[houses-of-healing]

I could really do with some kind words. I'm severely disillusioned by how terrible the world is, there's an evil megalomaniac ruling a country I'm visiting in April, there was a famous person I'd intended to meet at an event in said country who recently died, I'm stuck in a job that I don't like and I'm not very good at (I have to stay for another year because it is a contracted apprenticeship), and I have no idea what I can or want to do with my life OR in my spare time. (Jenny)

It’s gotten to the stage where I just broke down sobbing in front of my parents today. They tell me to try and stay positive, but I can’t find anything to be positive about. They also tell me to think of something to do in my spare time so that every day is not the same, but I really can’t think of anything. Is there any advice, or kind words or encouragement that could be offered to me? I feel miserable and numb and I don’t know what to do anymore. - Jenny

---------------------------------------------------------

Greetings, Jenny,

Yes, these are difficult times. My friends tell me that many stressful things have happened in the world recently. I certainly understand such times all too well.

At times like this I think it’s important to take care of yourself first as much as you can. If that means you avoid the news or stressful conversations, so be it. Sadly, we can’t avoid stress entirely. For example, you can’t just skip your job. But you don’t have to add to your stress. Avoid and block whatever you can, for your own health. And see if you can find some nice, relaxing things you can do. These won’t necessarily be hobbies, but easy and relaxing self-care is important. It can be something as simple as a hot cup of tea or a nice warm bath with fancy oils or bubbles or whatever it is you would like to use. If you know of any place where you can find positive news, I suggest making it a point to follow those sources each day.

In keeping with the idea of self-care, let’s think about what to do with your spare time. First of all, keep in mind that everyone goes through a rut of not really having anything interesting to do from time to time. While very annoying, it’s not necessarily bad and you shouldn’t feel bad that you’re stuck in a such a period at the moment. If you can’t think of anything to do, that’s okay, but rather than being stuck in that spot, now is a good time to simply try out new things. Do some research to see if anything seems interesting. Start with some activities you know, even if they don’t seem interesting to you themselves -- your research about them could lead to other activities that do seem interesting. If you have friends who do things you don’t do, see if you can join them sometime. Whenever you hear or see an activity that looks interesting, make a note of it so you can look into it later at your convenience. Find out if any place in your town offers free or cheap community activities that you might want to try. There is really nothing to lose by trying new things, but if money is a concern just be careful not to invest a lot of money in something before you know if it’s interesting enough to become a hobby. 

If you think you might want to change careers, much the same process could be applied to finding a new job, though you will also want to take certain practicalities into consideration. For example, you would want to consider whether or not a new career would require retraining, and what kind of lifestyle you would have in that career. 

Now, at times like this, some people find that taking action and doing what they can to influence the events around them is helpful. While you can’t do much about another country’s elections, you could, for example, make calls or write letters encouraging your own government to support (or not support) various people and policies. Depending on your resources you could also donate time and/or money to organizations you support and agree with. However, you should also keep in mind that if you can’t do these things, that’s okay. You need to take care of yourself first and act within the limits of your own well-being. 

All of that said, I’m a little concerned that you describe yourself as feeling not only miserable but also numb. If you can, I think it might be time to look into some professional help so these feelings don’t get worse. There are relatively inexpensive options you can access from your computer (just research carefully before deciding to use one) if in-person help isn’t possible.

Before I end this note, I want to leave you with the words of some dear friends of mine, Sam Gamgee and the Elf Haldir:

“There’s some good in this world...and it’s worth fighting for.” ~ Sam

and 

“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.” ~ Haldir

Take care, Jenny,

-- Aragorn

#answered by Aragorn #admin Treasa #miscellaneous stresses

[houses-of-healing]

Hi, this is Ash, and I'm not sure this qualifies for this blog, but if someone has time I would appreciate it if I could talk to yall. I'm a 911 dispatcher for a very small, rural Sheriff's department in the South. Most of our calls are simple and easy, like cows out on the road or whatnot, but sometimes we get really bad ones. I'm 21, and coming up on my year mark with them, and I've begun to realize I have a problem "turning off" my work-mode. (Part 1)

I’ll come home after rough calls and I’ll be keyed up for days afterward, just jittery and unable to relax because I’m still on high alert in dispatcher mode. I had to work a plane crash the other day where the pilot died while the caller was on the line with me, and I came home and my friend called to check on me and I just lost it and started crying. I didn’t even realize I felt sad, I just felt numb. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I love my job alot, and I’m scared that thiswill start affecting me at work. I just don’t know how to not let it get to me so much, if that makes sense. I’m sorry if this sounds crazy or isn’t what this blog is for. I know yall are very busy tending to the people with real problems, but thank yall for letting me to talk to you anyway.

————————————————

Welcome Ash,

First of all, I just want to say that of course you are welcome to write to us. People write to us about all kinds of things here, and all of those things are real and valid. So please don’t ever feel like your concerns are trivial or not something we want to help with. That’s not true at all! 

Second of all, it might help you to know that your problem is also “real” in the sense that it has a name -- many possible names, in fact, depending on the specifics of your situation. Compassion fatigue and vicarious trauma are two common names, though you can also find information by looking for dispatcher trauma. Basically, people in some professions (e.g. counselors, paramedics, police offices, and yes, 911 dispatchers) experience stress and trauma as a result of their work, which often puts them in contact with traumatic situations or people experiencing traumatic situations. This can take a toll on the professional too because you have to have empathy to deal with these situations, and they’re very difficult situations to handle. You’re opening yourself up to the stresses, difficulties, and potential tragedies of traumatic situations. It can be difficult to just shut that off when you leave work. It’s not like a file that you can just leave at the office to work on the next day -- this is, basically, emotional baggage that doesn’t leave you alone.

For immediate solutions, you will want to make sure you have a strong support network, including people outside of your job. It would also be a good idea to figure out some self-care things you can do for yourself to help you cope with stress. These can be small things like bringing your favorite tea to work, or bigger things like fancy baths or movie nights or nights out with your friends. You might also want to look into the possibility of taking a few days off soon, to collect your thoughts and see if the time off helps you feel any better. If you trust your manager and/or any of the more senior or experienced dispatchers, you might want to talk to them about what’s going on and ways they have found to cope (note that not all of their suggestions will work for you or may not even be healthy for you, the point is just to get some ideas). Your manager might also be able to suggest some professional resources to help you. If not, or if none of those resources work for you, this website might have some useful resources.

Ultimately, and especially if you want to stay in this job for a long time, it might be a good idea for you to seek professional counseling, since a counselor can be a valuable part of your support system and can also provide you with advice on taking care of yourself. Perhaps most importantly, a professional counselor can actually help determine if you really do have compassion fatigue or vicarious trauma, which is not something I can say for sure -- I’m not a professional counselor myself of course. 

Best of luck, Ash. I hope you can find ways to keep your stress down and to continue doing the job you love, and that brings help to so many people.

- Lindir

#ashomee #answered by Lindir #admin Treasa #work-related #miscellaneous stresses

[houses-of-healing]

This is for Aragorn, please call me grey. Hi, so, my best friend is in love with me. He's very respectful, doesn't do anything to make me uncomfortable in fact he does the opposite, and the only reason I know is because I pay attention... I would maybe consider dating him except for 3 very important things... 1st he is almost 20 years my senior. I know that sounds weird but I promise it's not weird, I am so over 21. But given that he's only a few years younger than my parents you can see (1/3)

(Grey 2) Why that would be a problem right? 2nd he has a child. I love his kid but I’m terrified of ever being considered a mother to this child which is clearly not mine. And 3rd, he’s my best friend. I don’t want to lose that friend ship. I’m very selective of the people I trust and care about and if I lost that with him I don’t know that I could handle it. So, my question is, what do you think?(Grey 3) Is that crazy to want to date someone so much older than me even though he’s the one person I get along fantastically with?

—————————————————

Greetings, Grey,

Well, as you may know, my own beloved Arwen is substantially older than me – MUCH more than 20 years! So I supposed on this issue you might find me a little biased. Of course in the end you are the only one who can decide if dating this man is a good idea. And given the things you mention, I think this could be a complicated issue. There are many things for you to consider here.

Let’s talk about age first. While I do not necessarily agree with the idea that “age is just a number,” I also do not agree that an age difference between consenting adults is automatically a deal-breaker. In your case I think it might be useful to explore your feelings in more detail. For example, do YOU think it’s weird to date someone 20 years your senior? Do YOU think there’s a problem with it, and if so, what is the problem? Is this something that would normally be a deal-breaker for you in a relationship and if so, why? What makes this situation any different? If the other two factors you mention weren’t involved, how would that change your feelings about the age issue?

Next we have the issue of a child. I’m assuming this child is much younger than you if there is the possibility that others might assume the child is yours somehow. If that is the case, then I think you need to think long and hard about this, and in the end I think this issue might be the deciding factor. You say you love the child but have no interest in being considered the child’s mother. While your relationship with your friend stays as a friend relationship or a very casual dating relationship, this should not be an issue. However, if your relationship were to become much more serious, the time might come when you are expected to take on a step-parent roll with this child. Your friend comes as a package deal with a child. Even if your friend does not have primary custody of the child or the child does not live with him, that arrangement could change someday. If you decide to pursue a romantic relationship with your friend, you will need to come to terms with the fact that a serious relationship will most likely mean some kind of mothering relationship with the child. If you are fine with that, then there is no problem, but if you are adamant that you do NOT want to mother this child in any way, or even be perceived as the mother in any way, then I would recommend not pursuing a romantic relationship with your friend for the child’s sake. Children deserve parents and step-parents who WANT to be their (step-)parents, and while this unfortunately does not always happen, you have it within your power now to prevent the unfortunate situation of a child having a step-parent who does not wish to be a parent…if that is in fact what you decide. 

I think the most difficult issue here is the one of if and how your relationship with your friend will change if you pursue the shift from friendship to romance. It’s difficult because relationships can change at any time. You could in theory wake up tomorrow and realize you no longer wish to be friends with this man. You could have an argument as friends that ruins the friendship. You could just naturally drift apart as time goes on and you both grow into different people. You could also remain best friends for life given the right circumstances. A romantic relationship, even a failed one, may or may not have negative changes on the relationship. Unfortunately I think you might find my answer on this point a bit useless, since there is really no way to guarantee that things will or will not turn out a particular way. I think this might be a case where all the logic and reason in the world cannot solve the issue for you, and you will need to listen to your instincts. If you can’t shake your concern over losing this friendship should a romantic relationship not work out, that might be your answer. Likewise if you feel confident in the strength of your friendship no matter what, that might also be your answer. But there are no guarantees, I’m afraid. I wish there were and that I could tell you how to come to the best conclusion. 

I don’t know if you have any other friends or relatives in real life you could speak to, but if you do, you might want to get their insight as well, especially if they know the friend in question or if they have dealt with similar relationship questions themselves before. No on solution works for every person, but I often find that gathering other perspectives can be helpful. Sometimes even the process of talking and having to put your thoughts, feelings, and questions into coherent words for another person can help you gain surprising clarity and insight that you never had before. 

In any case, I hope you find this helpful, and please know that you are always welcome back with more questions any time.

~ Aragorn

#answered by Aragorn #admin Treasa #anonymous #grey #relationships #friendship

[houses-of-healing]

A few months ago my bird died. He was old, but it was still unexpected. I found him, which was really tough. I get really bothered seeing any dead birds but of course it was much worse being my own beloved birdy. We have a new bird now, young and healthy, but I keep getting paranoid that I'll find him dead. I know it's irrational and I want to just enjoy having him. I don't know how to deal with this. I haven't said anything to anyone bc I feel like giving voice to it just makes it worse. -CG

Hello there CG,I’m so sorry about your bird! I’ve heard they make such good friends. We only have the wild birds around Imladris but they are friendly with us Elves. I imagine a pet would be even nice.Of course death is a part of life for mortals. I think we Elves tend not to view it in the same way as humans do. But in any case I want to think of something...practical. You say that your previous bird, the one who recently passed away, was quite old when he died. I have heard that birds can be fragile and sensitive to their environments, so I’d like you to think about the fact that he was OLD. That means that you know how to care for a bird. You know how to keep your bird healthy and happy for a long time. You have experience being an excellent companion to a bird.Also, I think it’s rather normal to feel a bit worried after suffering a recent loss. The pain is fresh and we don’t want to feel it again. But there is really no reason to believe that anything will happen with your new bird. I think that eventually your fears will fade along with your pain and as you spend more time with everything going well.If you find that you just cannot let go of your fears, please consider talking to someone in your life. Family or friends could be a good option. So too could trusted teachers, coaches, religions leaders, other relatives, friends’ parents...If you find that the fear is especially bad and makes it difficult for you to get through the day or is hanging on much longer than YOU think it should be, you could also consider the step of talking to a counselor (but it seems unlikely to me that you will need to do this -- I think time is your ally here). Best wishes to you and your new bird, my friend,Lindir

#pets #tw: pet death #mental health #answered by lindir #admin treasa

[houses-of-healing]

Hi.....

:D Hi!

#greetings #admin treasa #Anonymous

[houses-of-healing]

Hello I'm Ka, I was wondering if you could give me your input on something. I have ibs and was diagnosed with it recently. I've tried taking the medications they've prescribed but the first dosage resulted in me feeling depressed and angry at everything, the second attempt at dosage got me back to normal emotionally. Part 1

Ka part 2 It it made my brain fuzzy every time I take it. It's hard to focus and I feel almost out of body, then I get really tired and can't not sleep. I've decided I don't want to take that mastication anymore and want to try more natural way. And I've done some research but I'm just concerned wether or not I'm doing the right thing. Should I keep taking the pill knowing it works but has bad side effects or should i abandon it and search for a different way of coping?

---------------------------------------------------

Greetings, Ka,

Well, it seems to me that you have every right to change up your medication and find something that works for you. I would argue that a medication that has unpleasant side effects doesn’t “work” properly for you, even if it clears up the symptoms it’s meant to help. My suggestion would be this: Try the medication for a week or two and see if the negative side effects clear up. If they don’t, talk to your doctor about other options. This can be a different medication or the more natural remedies you’re considering. Either way I think it’s important to keep your doctor informed so that you can get good medical advice and so that your doctor is aware of what’s going on in the event that you need treatment for something else -- as with any medication, natural remedies can have negative interactions with each other and with other medications or medical treatments so it’s important to know what you’re doing and what the potential side effects of your chosen treatment might be. If your current doctor isn’t supportive of trying a different remedy, remember that it’s also an option to seek a new doctor if you have the means. 

I hope you can find a better treatment soon!

Best,Lindir

#illness #answered by lindir #admin treasa #Anonymous