#actually i feel quite empty

[sizzleissues]

criticism of your art does not reflect on your morals or abilities in their entirety but rather the merits of a piece and the critics subjective opinion

in other words

feel free to tear off your art teachers head she’s wrong you are the next Van Gogh

#sizzle rambles #So guess who just got back from art critique #I don’t want to swan dive into a lake - totally #WOMEN I MADE THE CHANGES YOU SUGGESTED AND YOU HAD THE GALL TO THINK IT LOOKS #WORSE NOW #ITS YOUR FAULT #’your technique and skill is quite good but *the idea she had* really brings if down’ #‘There’s just something missing - something wrong that I can’t place’ #WELL THEN MAYBE THERE ISN’T #MAYBE MY ORIGINAL IDEA WAS TO IT TO FEEL LIKE THE EMPTY SPACE WAS JARRING #LIKE A DISCONNECTION #AND YOU JUST DIDNT GET IT!! #I’m fine actually it’s just frustrating #Should have trusted my gut

[laniemae]

Kinda need to vent here but I really have to talk about how the fandom has completely ruined Mikoto for me. Like, I really like him as a character and I know I shouldn’t base my opinions off the fanbase but it’s just really hard. Mikoto’s the most popular character and I’ve seen him everywhere so much to the point it’s almost sickening to me. Like, normally I’d like it with “oh yay one of my favorite characters is popular” but the fandom interpretation of him is just so different than how he actually is it’s really diminishing my view on him. I want to like Mikoto as much as I should but it’s really hard having to see all of this stuff.

And besides that whole general fandom thing, even what happened at the start of the year which I don’t even need to explain anymore also very much ruined him for me and sometimes looking at him I just think about that and bad memories keep flooding in. Also around a month or two ago I saw a maintagged nsfw post which made me really uncomfortable as I hate seeing that sort of stuff of my favorite characters and I still see the person who posted it everywhere and I can’t stop thinking about how it made me feel. And it’s to the point where it’s one of my most common intrusive thoughts and I really wanna yell at them for that but I think they deleted the post and said multiple times how they were worried of making people uncomfortable but that’s exactly what happened.

yeah the last paragraph was very personal stuff but I just feel so bad that I cannot like Mikoto how I want to and everything about him has been completely spoiled for me and it’s so painful.

I just wanna know if anyone else feels the same way as I don’t think I’ve had a character ruined for me as much as Mikoto and I feel like I’m stuck between hating him and loving him

#milgram #mikoto kayano #I guess one of the main reasons why I like mikoto in the first place is John is my 2nd favourite character #So naturally when analysing him I’d have to think about mikoto which lead to me appreciating him more #But as I said it’s so hard to like him with his overwhelming popularity overshadowing everyone else #And even the popularity just focused around a watered down version of him #And because of that I can’t really count him in my milgram blorbo list (amane john muu kotoko) but he’s still one of my favorites #It’s at the point I feel really bad for even liking mikoto at all for the impact he’s had on the fandom and I feel bad about myself #John hasn’t been as badly ruined for me as mikoto but since his fandom interpretation has completely changed his personality #It’s kinda hard to like him fandom wise as much as I do generally and it feels empty #If he’s not being badly mischaracterised he’s only reduced to a ship tool and never viewed ss an actual complex character #Which has lead even 0909 being spoiled in my mind even though I quite like it despite not being a ship person #Because I love their canon dynamic but it’s never portrayed how it is #I just really don’t wanna feel alone in how badly mikoto (and John to an extent) have been ruined for me #But I just hate hate hate everything about how they’ve been portrayed by fans

[maybege]

jesus i wish someone would have told me that post-concert depression is real

#like i had SUCH a high last week with a spontaneous trip and the taylor concert #(25/10 btw it was a surreal experience and i am so happy i get to go again) #but now i am just like #a vegetable on the couch #head empty #creativity last seen sometime in april it feels like #and i have like 3 (!!!) pieces that are almost finished #but not quite yet #and i know if i were to work on them for like 3 hours of pure focus #i would be able to finish them up for posting #but i just #cannot #anyways #fun stuff #may rambles #i am still alive and kicking and i pinky promise that i actually do want to post stuff

[if-loki-was-a-fox]

Can- can I start one of those homoerotic love-hate one sided vendetta type relationships with Instagram

#it's the only other social media I use and I've never found it quite as bad as what other people say #but also. there is something so fundamental wrong about it at the same time #it feels so. lifeless. and people don't use tags right. #and no one makes content for old things. and you can't like more than three of someone's posts in a row without them yelling at you for it. #and the algorithm refuses to let me see just fandom stuff. and there's no good way to look for stuff that actually interests me #but despite all that I do still use it and idk I'm probably not gonna stop using it #cus like. I do still see cool stuff there and other people seem to enjoy seeing my studd there #so. why not use it even if it's this weird not empty ghost town weird evil land of bizarreness #just me rambling

[jekyll-doodles]

Nono not cause of the kid thing it's more like he can't go without couting every lady in 5 mile radius

Oh. Thats because he can't.

Before, it was more of a diplomatic/being a social butterfly thing.

Now it's more of a Distraction thing. Something to keep him in his place, without him fully realizing it. After all, he can't try to-- oh just a random example-- usurp the Ambassador or free the Hanged King from his throne, if he constantly feels he'll actually die without other's attention and affection.

Each lord has their own distraction.

#when i said he was a glutton for attention i meant it quite literally. its a hunger. he Feels like he'll Actually Die if its not quelled #Painful in the same way hunger is too. A gnawing empty feeling that continues to grow if not fed. #headcanon #scp red lord #scp alagadda #ask #anon #greenghostlyjekyll #alagadda sans masks

[pepprs]

feeling despair i don’t know how to put into words. im trying to figure out why im like this and how i got to be this way but i can’t even do it bc of the way i am and what im like. if that makes sense. like the problem prevents me from fixing the problem bc i can’t get to the root of it. despair despair despair

#purrs #delete later #basically i can’t internalize anything about myself. i can’t internalize that i am talented smart strong whatever and i can’t internalize #evidence that i matter and belong and am loved. i take in this evidence constsntly and it just evaporates. and then it’s like i have none of #it at all and im starving and shaking and dying and howling like a wretched little animal. and i live in this constant defaulstate of like.. #feeling worthless and alone and utterly empty and like everything in my life is a dream or something. and in feeling that way and being #quite literally incapable of having emotional object permanence.. i actually make that situation real for myself. i make myself alone and #wretched. i isolate myself and shut down and don’t let myself take up the space i can. and it’s just awful. it’s unfixabke. #i just suck it all dry. i deny myself to myself and to everyone else. and idk what made me like this bc i don’t think i always used to be #this way w depression and depersonalization or whatever the fuck dsm 6 type shit i have going on. but i can’t internalize anything about #myself and my life and have no desire / willpower to look back beyond a certain point and really analyze and probe to figure out what #happened to me to make me like this so i can heal the core wound. soim just constantly in wretched tortured panicking creature mode. awesome #this cry for help brought to you by: my sister guilt tripping me into doing her laundry + my brother showing me his beautiful music + #realizing that unlike redacted i have not documented every part of my life and have no access to early childhood artifacts that would reveal #anything about me and that it does n’t even matter / isn’t special anyway. i love being normal 😎🫶🏻‼️ #at least i haven’t been dissociating as badly about work stuff lately but. that’s definitely still a thing too so. what if my whole life is #just the wrong timeline i wasn’t supposed to be in and nothing is actually real. lawl 😳 #this is a ​really awesome time for my therapist to be going on a monthlong honeymoon btw 😍 she deserves it so much but omg im dying already

[thanager]

whats up girls i am crying for no reason now

#p #the past few weeks have been really rough on me and idk why #even though we've gotten more staffing at work and it was less stressful today #and my new supervisor in my department is super nice and actually knows what he's doing #i'm still so stressed every day i come into work #and i'd say at that point 75% of my shifts i don't get a lunch break cause i quite literally don't have time and no one fucking knows how t #-run my department #i've just felt so empty recently #i know it sounds edgy but i don't know why i cant explain it #i havent felt this way in a while #i just feel like im constantly stressed and not even the comfort from my mom or my boyfriend can make it go away

[red1ight]

i hate this stupid fucking job sm i want to scream but instead im just like 🙂👍🏼 no problem all good

#i feel so empty almost all of the time like i feel actually nothing and there's nothing going through my head #ive lost any sense of self or personality I might have had truly #i dont even feel like a person i just go to work do everything everyone says make my little office small talk go home that's it #and i cant fucking stand the isolation #though ik that's not just bc of the job #i literally do not give a shit about any of this i never have #i wanna quit so bad but there's literally nothing else i'm qualified to do im just stuck like this #and i hate leaving work and having it be dark out #whos idea was it to turn the clocks back during the coldest and darkest months of the year #and spend all of our daylight hours in a fucking office building i want to die

[outer-edges]

my anhedonia is at like an all time high right now and it's so terrible because there are so many things i want to want to do right now but i just...i don't care. like i don't give a single fuck. there are things i want to write and edits i want to make and homework i want to do but i just don't fucking care.

like. oh this makes me happy? it doesn't anymore lol.

i want to write? no the fuck i don't. i don't care.

i have homework i want to do? eh, no, it's fucking fine. doesn't matter to me.

i want to make friends? actually, i don't even care to see people it doesn't do anything for me.

anyway. yeah.

#mattie gets personal #this is annoying to post i know but quite literally don't give a fuck #kind of the problem #alongside the anhedonia is just stark indifference towards literally anything in my life #but under that is like the part of me that DOES care and i care DEEPLY #it's just not strong enough to actually do anything #so im just like shouting at myself like “nnoooooo!!! no!!!!!!” but nothing happens #anyway! #im doing great #rereading depression era docs and feeling empty inside #im getting flashbacks to when i torpedo'ed my life last summer #im so alone

[barnbridges]

on my first read of tsh, my favorite sections were the dreams because... dreams, but on my like 8th (idk on how many i am now) its the funeral because god-fucking-damn it is it cool to see these fucks suffer.

#like i think the funeral is what boosts tsh from pastiche of classicism to a modern novel #about actual life #because you knows the characters are at their most terrible. all of them. #the main cast and the ensemble as well. are just an echo of how fucking empty and ugly and useless the world is. #and it's not really because of guilt or death. in actuality it feels quite contradictory #that after a section complaining about how ugly the life of shady brook ct is richard questions why he killed bunny out of it #like a classical hero would see that as a positive frankly #but not richard because tsh to its core is not classical #it's both a religious novel and a modern novel #the funeral thematically is what grounds the book into modern discourse about beauty and life #and that's why i think it's really fucking funny that richard hooked up with bunny's ex crush at the funeral amen

[kalmeria]

i like the parallel of tinn and sound being two kids prone to perfectionism who just need and want to be shown love and kindness

#i'm simplifying a bit but yeah. the end of ep4 got to me #and it's like. sound is a different character than in the concept trailer and i am here for it #my school president #he was originally very charismatic and kind of an empty romantic rival ykwim? #but the sound we get here has kind of an abrasive personality #concept sound introduced himself to gun by hitting on him. this sound makes him quit the band. i love it!! he feels much more real to me #he kind of still has that persona but it's actually just how he pleases his audience! like. he must have a history of keeping people at #--arm's lenght and i am so excited to see what's next for him now that this band of goofballs adopts him #they are such good kids your honor #and also the way last ep ended i honestly wouldn't blame him if he fell for gun a bit (which leads back to my original point) #but i've seen some different theories and i am raising you: what it both? #what if sound develops this deep admiration for gun mixed with a growing crush on him that he eventually realizes will remain unrequited #and when he has to stop looking up at that pedestal he put gun on he will finally see the person who's been standing right there next tohim #that's the shit right there someone write this

[house-spirit]

It is the smoke unbroken

Sunbeams and moonbeams uninterrupted

Oh, she is ceaseless

In bleeding her mortal morals

And we might find no melted winters,

All absent of erosion

She is quiet and the stars sing not

We find no stragglers, no fly aways

All cracked skin reaching for

The thawing sun, not yet born again in glory

Our hills rolling towards the blank paper mountains

And the hurting forests

I want to go

She cannot

We are the futile waiting

Weeping blind milky pink pearl drop tears

Like mermaids and selkies of a sea we once knew

But cannot reach

#wrote this about an awful blizzard that rolled through about a week ago #I don’t post the majority of what I write but this kinda shows where it’s been lately #most of my more recent poems are very abstract like all descriptions of something #and they’re all kind of vague and are more about feeling that actually tangible topics #they’re like those abstract paintings in museums and stuff #where like you get it but not enough to understand it #all of my poems are kind of pulled from one line I really like and then I keep trying to keep that vibe alive #like I was sitting at work and I just thought of smoke unbroken #like a campfire in an empty field and the smoke just rises and isn’t tangled on branches and stains to wall or ceiling #and I was like HELL YES I LIKE THAT and the rest just kind of goes #not really in any direction it just moves yknow #anyways imma quit rambling #original poetry #spilled ink #poety #my poetry #writing #writer

[dobythealpaca]

guys so idk if u know but I was given eddsworld by the matt reals World so next ep will eb about Larry, surf and turf got thrown away cuz was no good and so latry will make it all better I also have more conetnwt that u guys deserve and want in next ep so saty tuned <33

#But being fr I have lost a lot of my hope for beyond #It just doesn't go with me u like classic and legacy #Idk I just egt an empty feeling when I watch any fo the episodes #Ik this weird feeling is also quite common with a lot of other people too #Idk it's just yeh it just doesn't have something that makes it enjoyable #Or spark excitement like teh others did #Like the animation is good it's nice it's not the voices or stuff like taht #Maybe it's the jokes or the way it's written idk #Something just doesn't??? Click idk how to describe it #But yeh I hope maybe just maybe an eddisode can actually like #Make me feel the joy I did when watching classic or legacy #eddsworld

[bibleofficial]

teehee i love being like super fucking exhausted & also tipsy or whatever like i’m just my happiest at my most delirious - phenomenal change of pace from the frenzied, anxiety of the day

#stream #like the Routine of Panicking Until i Pass Out #like i love opening dating apps or whatever & going How Can i get my Feelings Hurt Now #Actually i just remembered i’m changing the time limits & im reducing them from 15 minutes to like 5 bc girl … #NO #STOP THAT #we’re QUITTING SMOKING & we can’t QUIT it & replace it w COMPULSIVE app checking like NO #PICK SOMETJIGN ELSE #IVE NO THOUGHTS TO PICK SOMETHING ELSE RN LIKE I JUST STARED AT MY PHONE WE’Re EHAD EMPTY RN #it’s just ‘i want crackers’ but pointnis it is nice to write it down & ing owing to change those settings now

[statuescrumble]

youngblood rankings for @itsthedamnseason

lie to me

ghost of you

youngblood

more

meet you there

why won’t you love me

want you back

babylon

moving along

better man

if walls could talk

valentine

talk fast

monster among men

woke up in japan

empty wallets

#GUYS LOOK I REMEMBERED HOW TO ADD KEEP READING ON MOBILE #anywho #lie to me holds SUCH a special place in my heart #i lowkey love the julia michaels one bc HER VERSE HER VOICE YES anyway #that might be an unpopular opinion. sue me. #I DO LOVE BABYLON you’re so right bestie #red desert is like babylons older sibling i feel like #literally 2-13 are all basically tied. it was SO HARD to order those but #them last three no thanks bye #i actually don’t think i’ve ever heard empty wallets. like maybe once #mam is only higher cause i always just remember the chorus #this album really sounded like a transition album in the sense that they were still finding their sound #not quite sgfg or debut anymore but not quite calm and 5sos5 yet #m 🍬 #5 seconds of summer #wtf drey #drey ranks

[rowanhoney]

actually. I’m getting a bit sad about it again. About how none of my friends feature in my happy memories and my friends don’t like the things I like and I’ve become so independent I’m starting to feel utterly starved of connection

#I make friends everywhere I go #like I chat to people and we bond and stay in touch #but it’s so so shallow #and it turns out they also don’t have much in common #and when I see people doing things together I begin to get wildly jealous #what’s it like to have multiple people who care about what you care about #i can only think of 3 or 4 people that I’ve met in the last decade that actually have quite a bit in common w me #and like none of them are actively in my life #im tired of being the independent girl #like it just feels a bit empty #to never have anyone else in my happy memories #last happy memory I have it of my childhood bestie right before she went to nz #clarification I have loads of great memories but they’re all things I did on my own #I like sharing my joy with people it doesn’t feel like much unless it’s shared