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writingwithcolor · 3 years

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Gingerbread man as golem

@yaronata asked:

I would like to write a character who is Jewish and uses a Golem. She's based on the D&D class of the artificer which looks magic but isn't, because they produce all their effects with inventions, like the "any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic" quote. Her story is that her very Jewish town was under attack from a terrible monster when she was little. Her Rabbis made a Golem to protect the town, and it succeeded but was torn to pieces in the process. She was fascinated by the Golem and as a kid didn't see a big difference between it's sentience and person's so was really thankful for its sacrifice like you would a person's sacrificing their life for you. They thought all the pieces had been devoured by the monster before it died, but she went looking and found the piece used to animate the Golem, which she, kinda misunderstanding called its "heart". She kept the piece and grew up to be an incredibly skilled cook, specialising as a baker in the town. I imagine she would make a lot of really good food for the Jewish holidays, or to break fasts on ones like Yom Kippur or Tish'abav. But she also made a town specific holiday to honour the Golem's sacrifice and the town still being alive, because I feel "we are not dead woo" is a big theme for Jewish holidays from my research, so it could fit, for which she invented ginger bread men to be the golem, and gave them little "hearts" of fruit or honey, and you're meant to eat them limb by limb like the beast did before eating the heart. This would be the inspiration for using the "heart" piece later to make her own giant gingerbread Golem to help her save the world.

These are my questions 1) would it be considered bad or disrespectful for someone who isn't a Rabbi to make a Golem, or is this method of taking an animating piece someone else made disrespectful? 2) Her journey will take her far from her town and her Jewish family and friends and she will likely travel with gentiles. Would it be disrespectful for a Golem to be used to protect a lot of gentiles and one Jew in the course of saving the world? I don't want to fall into the stereotype of someone putting all their effort into valuing and protecting very specifically the group that in real life is oppressive to them. 3) While she is not using magic and is actually mimicking its effects with technology she invents, is this drawing too close to the line of "magical Jew"? 4) I like to "play test" my characters in ttrpgs to really get a feel for them before I write. Would it be disrespectful to play a Jewish character when I am a gentile, and would it be disrespectful to play a Jewish character in a setting where there are demonstrably real gods other than the one of Judaism?

I really like this character idea and I think it's cute and fun and rooted in Jewish culture but I really want to make sure it's respectful and as good as I, a gentile researching on the internet, thinks it is. Thanks so much! Have a nice day!

My answer to this is very complicated because there are things I both like and do not like about this premise. First of all, I love the idea of a cookie golem, and I'm even imagining the magic word that brings him to life (EMET/truth) would be written in icing. And I'm okay with the part about how she found a piece of the old golem and used it to build a new golem, because that makes sense for a golem made from a baked good when you think about how people use sourdough starter to make a new batch of sourdough.

However, here are the thing that make me cock my head to the side like my little sister's German shepherd:

1. re: "magical Jew" - that's not a trope I've ever heard of. Remember, marginalized groups don't receive identical disrespect across the board. It is indeed a trope to use Black people or disabled people as supernatural plot devices who exist only to further the stories of white main characters or able-bodied main characters. But I can't say as I've ever seen anyone using Jewishness that way. Usually if we are someone's one-dimensional plot device it's as someone's lawyer, fixer, "money guy", etc, not a supernatural force. So this isn't something you have to worry about.

2. I have a certain level of discomfort with you playing as a Jewish character just because playacting as a marginalized culture you're not part of strikes me as off, but I understand that that's how you gain insight into a character you're about to write so it's more of a writing exercise than anything else. (I wonder if D&D regulars from marginalized groups have written about this -- I've only played a few times casually with family so if I did run into this type of discussion in my social justice reading I wouldn't have absorbed it. If anyone is curious I played first as Captain Werewolf, and then switched to playing as Cinnamon Blade because lawful good was too hard. :P )

3. I would prefer you omit the detail about eating the cookies piece by piece symbolically, for two reasons: a. it unintentionally evokes Communion by having appreciative people consume a baked good symbolic of an entity who sacrificed his life for theirs, and b. focusing on the details of flesh consumption reminds me too much of Blood Libel (yes, a gingerbread man is in the shape of a person but how many of us actually think about it literally, the way this act would cause?)

As to your first question: I'm fine with her making a golem even though she's just a rando. Second question: I see what you're saying and maybe it could be more okay if it's really clear how well these gentile folks are treating her? And questions three and four are answered above.

I really do love the idea of a giant gingerbread man golem. Cookie golem T_T <3

--Shira

I would like to second Shira’s point about not ripping apart the gingerbread cookies. I honestly would prefer they were used as decoration, and other cookies eaten instead, since that part just feels so not-Jewish to me, but I don’t have golem-specific issues other than that. It seems like you have already been doing a lot of research, which is appreciated.

As far as the ttrpg/DnD aspect… I bounce back and forth on the topic of playing characters that are so very different from our experiences, other than in fantasy-related ways. However, I am aware that a lot of people will play with, and experiment with gender in game, and learn something about themselves in the process (the number of trans players of ttrpgs who tried out their gender in game before they were out is high). It’s different with Judaism, and even more significantly different when it comes to things you can’t convert into, like various actual, real-world races. But because people do sometimes experience growth from experiences like this, I’m hesitant to dissuade players completely. I do urge you to, at a minimum, bring the same care, research, and willingness to learn, that you brought to this question.

--Dierdra

This sounds like a creative storyline that you could have lots of fun with 😊

At first I was confused by this part:

She also made a town specific holiday to honour the Golem's sacrifice

But then you really got me thinking about different types of Jewish holidays and how they come about, so thank you for that!

Because it’s often the little details that either make a story super powerful or kind of nonsensical, I think it would be a good idea to decide what type of holiday is being created here:

A full-blown chag with restrictions on labour and halachic obligations? These are commanded in Torah and new ones can’t be added.

A minor yom tov with halachic obligations but no restrictions? These were instituted by the rabbis prior to the destruction of the Temple, so again new ones can’t be added.

A public holiday or equivalent? This would usually be declared by the Knesset in Israel, and filter to the rest of the Jewish world from there.

A community-based yom tov with specific customs only for people in the know, such as certain Chasidic groups celebrating the birthdays of their deceased leaders? I asked around, but no one can really tell me how these holidays get started, which is probably a good indication that they arise quite organically from a group of people who all just feel that it should be celebrated. Probably not created by a single person, as such.

Something she runs from her bakery, not religion-based, but more like a day of doing special products and deals the way many small businesses do on their anniversary?

Now, if the people of a modern-day town were actually saved by a real live Golem, that would arguably be the most overt miracle for many generations, so there would be a decent chance of options 3 and/or 4 happening. It’s entirely plausible that there could be special foods for this day that become a tradition, including Golem cookies. People who directly benefited might also return to the site where the Golem fought the monster and recite the prayer, ‘Blessed is Hashem, Master of the Universe, Who performed a miracle for me in this place.’

Alternatively, if it’s important that your MC created the holiday, something like option 5 might be the best. Hopefully this will still fulfil what you need: you describe her as incredibly skilled, so I can imagine the day when she goes all out on the Golem cookies being one of the most exciting events of the year for the townspeople, just because her baking is that good. Plus, they already have a personal stake in the Golem’s sacrifice, so I definitely think it could be a thing without being an official holiday. Also, if she is outside of an all-Jewish environment, don’t forget that she would have to decide whether to commemorate the anniversary in the Hebrew calendar or the local one.

Coming back to the cookies, sorry if we’re getting a little repetitive on this point! But I don’t see the cookies being torn limb from limb as part of a celebration. First of all, this doesn’t sound like a very celebratory thing to do, to say the least. Can you imagine explaining that to a three-year-old on their first Yom HaGolem? They would be terrified! (I don’t read this suggestion as accidental anti-Semitism so much as getting carried away with a metaphor, which I’m sure as writers we have all done!)

But also, it’s worth pointing out that our commemorative foods aren’t usually that literal. If you think about hamantaschen, maror, or apple in honey, they’re all symbols. That’s not to say that having Golem-shaped cookies is a problem, as this sounds like just a bit of fun that the MC is having and not something that is directly at odds with Judaism or Jewish culture. But it’s worth bearing in mind that the more literal you go from there in terms of tying the cookies to the event they commemorate, the less culturally aligned your holiday food becomes.

Finally, about the Golem protecting non-Jewish people: I like this idea! There’s a stereotype that we only use whatever is at our disposal to help ourselves and other Jewish people, so a Golem being created by Jews but helping others as well is a big plus for me. Of course, as has already been pointed out, this would be an odd choice if her Saving The World team were anti-Semitic or otherwise disrespectful to her/her community, but I don’t think you were headed that way!

-Shoshi

I have to come back in here just to squee over the phrase “Yom HaGolem.” Well done :D

--Shira

#asks #Jewish #dnd #golem #food #Jewish stereotypes

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ruffboijuliaburnsides · 3 years

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Hi! Obviously ignore this if I'm asking something too personal, but you've mentioned that you're in the process of converting to judaism and I've been wondering how did you start? I've done a good bit of research and think it's something I'm interested in, but I have no idea what the actual process of conversion looks like, much less where to begin. Obviously feel free to ignore, or send me towards someone else, but thought I'd ask!

Hey no worries, anon! So, I will preface this by being forthcoming and saying I got partway through the conversion process, was forced to move, and ended up in a different part of the country with only one shul nearby whose rabbi (and community) are… very unfriendly to converts. They don’t SAY they are, but a few months of attendance and a handful of meetings with the rabbi with regards to conversion really hammered home that neither my wife nor I felt even remotely comfortable converting here, considering it’s a very personal and often vulnerable process, and wherein you have to actually like… trust and communicate with the rabbi you’re working with. So my conversion, while I still consider it “in progress”, is in an indefinite stall until we can move somewhere else or can reliably get to the next closest shul, which we currently cannot for various reasons.

ANYWAY. I started by doing a lot of research. Mostly I was just looking into… all kinds of religion, including Islam actually, because I missed the community and the structure and the spiritual anchors of my very conservative evangelical christian upbringing, but I didn’t like or want to return to the actual, y’know…. beliefs and tenets of Christianity. I found Judaism and just… the more I read and researched about the beliefs and the general culture of questioning and grappling with things within it, the more I felt like I’d found a people who I could understand, and a religion that understood me and would allow for me to be uncomfortable and question why things are taught certain ways and so forth. Which was one of many things that drove me away from Christianity, as I was not good at the whole “blind faith” thing. (they insist it’s not blind, but if you’re not supposed to question god then… what else IS it?)

At that point we were living in upstate new york, and the nearest reform shul was very small, did not have a permanent rabbi (there was one for a number of local communities that cycled around every few weeks), and really while they were officially reform they seemed to as a community have a practice and beliefs a lot closer to something like reconstructionist or humanist Judaism. I went to shabbat services on fridays there for a few months, and they were very nice but said they were very much not a usual reform congregation and that I should probably actually convert somewhere with a permanent rabbi and that was a bit more traditional, but that in the meantime they were more than happy to have me attend services and events with them. They were very sweet and I did appreciate that opportunity to accustom myself to the general pacing and content of a friday night shabbat service.

At that point we get to the part that you’re actually asking about, and I’m sorry if you’re just like “OH MY GOSH MAGS PLS JUST GET TO THE POINT” which is when we moved back down to Florida and I actually properly started the conversion process with a rabbi! I started out emailing the local shul and saying that I had just moved to the area, I was not Jewish but was interested in possibly converting and had been attending services at a very small shul up north, and is it all right if I attend a few shabbat services while I consider converting? I will say, I have never been told “no please don’t attend” about going to shabbat services, but especially with the world the way it is, and me being new and not knowing anyone in the community or having anyone to vouch for me, I prefer to ask beforehand so that they know to expect someone new who is reaching out and less likely to be a threat.

Anyway after a couple of weeks at that shul, I already loved the people and could tell I would get on pretty well with the rabbi, so I emailed her again about setting up a meeting to discuss converting. We had the meeting, talked about why I wanted to convert, what would be required of me, etc. She got me set up with a book list and some books from the shul library, gave me a reading assignment and asked me to write down any thoughts or questions I had, along with some other things that were kind of reading comprehension stuff, and told me to email her when I had finished so we could have another meeting. She also stipulated that she would have me live and practice through a full year of the Jewish calendar at minimum before she’d declare me ready to go to the mikvah, and we’d meet regularly, I’d do a lot of reading, I needed to attend a beginning hebrew class for adults that would be starting again over the summer, attend services (both weekly and holiday) as much as possible, and engage as much as possible in the community. (I really loved them. I was a soloist in the Purim spiel that year and I had friends and once I’d finished converting and could join the synagogue I’d already been needled to join their tiny choir and it was just a great group of people.)

Aaaand then we had to move due to things outside our control, and I couldn’t attend as often due to being a heck of a drive away (in a car with no A/C, in Florida, in the summer) so I tried to shift over to a closer shul whose rabbi my old rabbi knew, but it was High Holy Days and then he was travelling for some studies and couldn’t start doing anything like conversion until that was all over, and then we had to move again and now we’re here and have a very unfriendly rabbi and congregation, so we don’t attend services right now.

…………all this to say: you’ve done some research and you think you’re interested. Next step is to find the nearest shul that is of the movement you want to convert in, and call or email them and just let the rabbi know where you’re at and ask if you can attend some services respectfully to see if you still feel drawn to Judaism when engaging with it directly. If so, let the rabbi know, set up a meeting, and go from there. It’ll take time, a year at the LEAST and usually longer even if you DON’T have the sort of issues I’m currently having, but if HaShem is calling you home, it’s worth it.

(and if your rabbi requires to you take any classes or what-not, most organizations that run them that require you to pay some kind of fee offer scholarships or reduced tuition if you’re not financially able to enroll in them initially, so be sure to reach out about stuff like that, too.)

#i use ‘calling you home’ specifically bc #one of the books i read talked about how all jewish souls were at sinai at least metaphorically #it’s just some of them weren’t born into jewish families #and that every convert is just a wandering jewish soul coming home #and i really really liked that #talked about it a lot with rabbi T back when things were on track #but that IS what it’s been like from start to finish #it’s felt without reservation like coming home #in a way nothing else in my life ever has #so y’know #jewish stuff #judaism #conversion stuff #sorry that this got so long and rambly #i’ve been having The Feels lately about my stalled conversion #it’s very frustrating and i think I just needed to get it out a bit heh

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dangerousanddisquieting · 4 years

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Neil finding religion post-The King’s Men

This is probably the most self-indulgent headcanon I’ve ever posted (and that’s saying something.) tl;dr Neil finds religion after The King’s Men and converts to Judaism. Details under the cut (This is a part 1, part 2 is Andrew converting after exposure through Neil)

Once he gets settled when all the events of TKM are over, Neil realizes how much about the world he doesn’t know as a result of growing up constantly moving and pretty constrained to his mother’s worldview

One of those things is religion

He knows how much religion means to Renee (and Nicky who has reclaimed his religion to a degree) so he starts to do research to better connect with and understand them

He’s also looking into religion a bit for himself. In my head it’s a mix of a constant nagging in the back of his head that’s been around since he was a child that he never had time or security to explore and Stewart coming in moments before Nathan killed Neil. The chances of that are so low, Neil sometimes sits awake with a feeling deep in his heart that he was saved by the love of a higher power giving him a second chance

but when he’s researching our sweet boy has a big misunderstanding

he learns the general beliefs but also the mitzvot and thinks they are followed by all Christians

Nicky eats shrimp one day and Neil gives him a weird look

“What’s up Neil? Thinking up a dick joke?”

Neil explains that he thought Christians couldn’t eat shellfish

Nicky laughs a little and says “no, that’s a Jewish thing actually” and moves on

But Neil just... keeps thinking about that

He goes to a church service with Renee and likes it more than he thought he would but when she asks if he wants to come back again he politely declines, it didn’t really resonate with him

He ends up Googling “what do Jewish people believe” one night before bed and he’s up all night

He tells Andrew he’s looking at Exy but he’s just so enamored with this belief system

The mix of history and philosophy and spirituality,, the emphasis on making this world better for the sake of others and not for some divine reward after you’re dead,, the love of questioning and “wrestling with G-d,,” the oneness of G-d and His connection with each and every one of His people,,,,,

It fits so beautifully in Neil’s heart he can’t stop thinking about it for weeks

He hates that this is bugging him and distracting him during practice so he gets in touch with the campus Rabbi who asks to meet with him

Neil sits down with her and ends up having the most soul-bearing conversation he’s ever had with a non-Fox

He tears up a little but he would never admit it

She invites Neil to a service and he goes but when he puts on a yarmulke he has a panic attack and has to decompress and wait for the later service

The concept of a “man” above him watching him sets him off but he goes back without a kippa because he wants to see this through

Neil doesn’t know a word of Hebrew but finds himself swaying and humming along

He’s so confused (people are bowing? what do I say and what do I not say?) but he’s in the back so he’s not too self conscious

The boy next to him notices and slides him his siddur when he can tell Neil has lost the page

He follows along well enough and when the Rabbi asks him about it after he gets more excited and animated than he’s been in a while

The boy who was next to him joins the schmooze and Neil walks away with a beautiful warmth and feeling of community in his heart and emails the Rabbi the next day and says he wants to keep going

It’s the first time he’s felt like he’s belonged anywhere since he’s joined the Foxes

Similar feeling of community and unity but very different at the same time (he does secretly appreciate the fact that he found this community without violence or mafia ties though)

He doesn’t make a big announcement about it to the Foxes, it just naturally comes up little by little (esp once he has to miss practice for holiday observance)

They’re all super supportive and do research on their own to be sure they respect his beliefs

Nicky is very happy, but Renee is ECSTATIC

At first teaches Neil what she knows about general theology but doesn’t get into any sort of specifics so she doesn’t accidentally push Christian beliefs on him

Aside from that they don’t talk about it for a bit until Neil starts to learn more in-depth about Jewish theology and history

As he learns more, he and Renee start debating, little by little getting more heated as Neil builds his knowledge

It’s the most passionate the Foxes have ever seen Renee

At first the Foxes think that Neil and Renee hate each other now and they all dread having another inter-team rivalry

But nope!! Neil’s religion ends up as a way to connect to Renee and they start spending more time together off the court

Debating helps both of them find out more about their own beliefs and to be honest, it’s just something they both think is fun (neither of them are afraid to set boundaries if stuff goes too far though)

Wymack starts researching Judaism as soon as he finds out and works with Neil privately to make sure he wouldn’t miss anything on holidays when Neil won’t be at practice

“If you show up on my court because you feel like you ‘need to’ even though you would rather practice your literal RELIGION I will kick you off this team. I will sue myself before Rabbi Hannah can do it for me”

(He talks to the Rabbi about Neil at first but they end up being friends (: )

Wymack wrote all the holidays down on the calendar in his office and Neil is so touched by it

One of Neil’s favorite moments in his journey was the first time he felt comfortable wearing a yarmulke to shul

It took him a long time to reach a place where he felt comfortable enough with HaShem to wear one but it was a beautiful feeling

Instead of remembering his father when he puts it on, he thinks of people like Wymack and Andrew who watch him out of unconditional love, welcome, and grace

He doesn’t do everything perfectly of course, but Neil loves having something in his life that lets him find beauty and meaning in the world and the people in it

#if any of yall clown in the notes i will destroy you #dont try me #aftg #all for the game #tfc #the foxhole court #the kings men #nora sakavic #neil josten #headcanon #hc #aftg headcanon #aftg hc #tfc headcanon #tfc hc #jewish neil #jewish neil josten #jewish headcanon

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simpingforthehunt · 3 years

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In the Belly of the Whale

So I was going to do this scene by scene but that got way too long in my notes. Either way, it's good that I'm writing down my thoughts that way because it definitely helps me organize everything, as well as allow me to have the contents of the show on a document. The episodes will have a slightly different format with different characters appearing based on the episode, and some sections will be added or removed. This will include some personal annecdotes, as I can relate to moments within the show.

Masterlist

Warnings: Antisemitism (obviously), Spoilers for the show

General notes for the overall show

I really love how well-researched the time period was because the set and costumes were spot on

The soundtrack is INCREDIBLE

Whoever the DOP is I want to thank them because the transitions and general camera work is both satisfying and fun to watch

The repetition in the dialogue was an interesting creative choice, and there are moments I hate it but overall it's was a really cool decision

Characters

Jonah: Portrayed by Logan Lerman.

Jonah's an interesting character because Logan Lerman plays him in a way that seems similar to the way he acted as Percy Jackson in the movies. In the Riordan series, we see Percy get pushed further into the darkness as time goes on because of all the trauma he's experienced growing up. We see that in the ten episodes of Hunters with Jonah's journey. There are moments in the show where I think "that's a lot like Percy" and for this episode specifically, it's honestly just the way Logan acts. There are better examples later on.

Jonah begins as this innocent teen that had just lost his grandmother and is grieving. His grief often comes out as anger, and he takes it out on others without realizing it. He start his descend into darkness when Meyer enters his life.

Ruth - Portrayed by Jeannie Berlin.

Ruth is the Bubbe I've always wanted. My grandmother on the Jewish side of my family passed away when I was three so I never knew her. her name was Ruth. Because of that, I have a connection to both Ruth and Jonah. Definitely made her death harder to watch.

Cheeks - Portrayed by Henry Hunter Hall.

Cheeks is an interesting character. He is one of Jonah's best friends, and clearly cares for him. I can't say much now, but I really hope he's a more frequent character in season 2.

Booty - Portrayed by Caleb Emery.

I really love Booty, and I wish he was a more significant character. More thoughts on him later.

Carol - Portrayed by Ebony Obsidian.

I love/hate Carol. She seems to run into the arms of white boys, and I know she's hinted to be Jonah's love interest but I'm glad they didn't actively pursue that relationship. Again, more on that later.

Meyer - Portrayed by Al Pacino.

Dude reminds me of Dumbledore. At first glance he seems like a savior and a mentor, but as time goes on his manipulative tactics are clearer and he only does what benefits him. I had a weird feeling about him from the start, tbh. He never lied to Jonah, but he stretched the truth enough that the audience believed him to be Meyer.

Millie - Portrayed by Jerrika Hinton.

Millie gives no fucks and takes no shit from anyone. She is the perfect example of a Ravenclaw, and is the only character that isn't a complete idiot. She pieces things together quickly, and I love her a lot.

Detective Sommers - Portrayed by Tramell Tillman.

I like his character a lot and sincerely hope we see more of him in season 2.

Travis - Portrayed by Greg Austin.

Dude's really creepy and I hate the fact that I like his costuming. There were so many moments in the episode that made me really uncomfy and hate him with a burning passion, but the actor is doing a great job with his character.

Biff - Portrayed by Dylan Baker.

The actor that plays Biff is SO talented! The quick switches between accents is a hard thing to do, and he's done a great job. Biff is a selfish asshole, but Dyland Baker portrays him so well.

What I liked:

Honestly, pretty much anything that isn’t mentioned in the below section is what I liked, but there’s one specific scene that stood out to me.

At the beginning, when the trio is coming out from watching Star Wars and talking about it.

NOW

I’m not a fan of Star Wars so most of it confused me, however the conversation foreshadowed Jonah’s fate by the end of it. I just thought that was really cool, and a fantastic creative choice.

What I didn’t like:

The human chess board.

Now, okay. On a creative standpoint, as a writer/director myself, I understand what David Weil was trying to portray with this scene. I understand that he wanted to show the horrors of the Holocaust and show the extent of how bad it had gotten.

HOWEVER

As a Jew, it made me uncomfortable. Just like the Auschwitz Memorial stated, it enourages Holocaust Denial. It is more than possible to show the horrors of the Holocaust in a fictional show, by telling the truths and the facts. A great example of a fictional piece about the Holocaust is the book Daniel’s Story, which follows the experiences of the children during the war.

So yeah... not a fan of it.

Reform Jewish Confusion:

So what’s up with the menorah’s in the funeral home??? That’s just a Hanukkah thing??? What???

Also when it comes to sitting Shiva, in Reform Judaism it is common for more than just immediate family to sit Shiva. Is this different in Orthodox or Conservative Judaism?? Also, if it’s immediately family only why are like,,, most of the people there?

Explaining specific things the best I can:

Baruch HaShem means thank G-d.

Mitzvah means duty, which is why Meyer views The Hunt as Mitzvah rather than murder. Like it’s a commandment from G-d.

#hunters amazon prime

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dearfuturehusbandblog · 3 years

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"Robert's Been A Little Depressed"

Dear Future Husband,

I wish I could say things were better. I wish I could say that I had that meeting with the therapist and everything has turned around in my life.

But I can't.

I can't, because that meeting never happened.

There was apparently some glitch in his calendar system and he needed to reschedule. My first appointment was set for two weeks from the date I made it and the rescheduled date was two weeks from the day I had to reschedule, so it's been a month and we have yet to meet.

The appointment was rescheduled for tonight, so maybe things will go well, but in the meantime, it's been a couple of weeks and I've basically just been depressed most of that time.

There's stupid stuff going on at work, there's stupid stuff going on in my family, and I'm just so frickin' tired.

You want a fun update? Here's a fun update: I'm more disconnected with Hashem now than I was two weeks ago.

Go ahead, ask me why. You know you want to.

Ok, I'll tell you:

I'm more disconnected with Hashem now than I was two weeks ago, because last week I was feeling really, really, really down and in a moment of utter helplessness, I reached out.

I sent several messages through several frum websites to "ask the rabbi" what I should do. I don't know the rabbeim who answer these questions, and some of the sites didn't even have them listed, so it was literally a shot in the dark.

My messages were sent in bottles out into the vast ocean that is the online frum world in hopes that Hashem would put my messages in the hands of someone, somewhere who could guide me.

You know which message got a response?

This one:

How can I ensure I don't have an afterlife? Is there something in the gemara that talks about it? Maybe some kabbalistic thing? I legitimately hate my life and don't want to "go on to a better place." Whenever my mortal life ends, I just want it to end. I want everything to stop. I don't want reward or punishment. I don't want to see dead family members. I don't want to talk to or communicate with God. I just want everything to cease. Is that a possibility?

And go ahead and guess what the response was. You know what? I'll give you a few choices:

Wow, I've never heard a request like that before. It sounds like you're really struggling spiritually there. Let's discuss why that is....

It sounds like you're in a serious crisis right now and something like that requires serious assistance. I'm not the person for that, but here's the number for someone who is...

I've actually heard of ways, but they are immensely painful and destructive and I would never share that information with someone who seems to be in as much pain as you are right now. Let's talk about why you feel the need for such extreme measures...

In answer to your question, the joy and pleasure of the afterlife is such that it completely erases any past pain and suffering we have gone through. We cannot understand how and why this is, but it is not like we will be reliving our past suffering or embarrassment in our memory. Therefore, as Rambam says, the worst thing that could happen to a person is that his soul would just cease to exist. That can never happen to a Jewish soul which is a part of G-d Above. Just as He is everlasting, so are we.

Three guesses which one I received as a response.

*eyeroll*

His response could be summed up as "hang in there kiddo, it gets better."

I mean... seriously?

I've just told you I desire to have my soul cease to exist and your response is "that's the worst thing that could happen to a person. oh, and also, that can't ever happen to a person."

kthanks, guy.

I'm not a crier. But over the last few weeks I keep finding myself crying at the stupidest times over the stupidest things. Never in front of others, but a couple of times in close proximity to people.

This is not me. This was never me.

But how else am I supposed to feel?

It feels like a practical joke.

It feels like every single time I reach out for help, God laughs in my face. "nope, you're not at your lowest point YET! there's plenty more pit where that came from! keep falling, you idiot!"

How am I supposed to believe that you're actually out there when I can't even get my head straight for basic daily living because every time I try, God just slams doors in my face and laughs at me?

This is not the first time I've had issues connecting with a therapist.

This is not the first time I've had issues connecting with a rabbi.

This is not the first time I've been abandoned by the very God who is supposed to be merciful and the ONE being I should be able to rely on in this world when humans fail me.

I'm surrounded by people who are struggling, but who at least have the tools to help them overcome their struggles.

I'm tool-less.

I was not placed in a life where I was taught or given any of the tools I need to navigate the treacherous waters that are my life.

I'm drowning and God doesn't seem to care.

So maybe the one right person for me is out there.

But we'll never meet because I'm lost at sea.

And for that I am truly sorry.

-LivelyHeart

#jumblr #frumblr #orthodox #shidduch #dating #jewishdating #jewish dating #jewish #frum #shadchan #shadchanim #shidduchim

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joshiesjourney · 5 years

Text

An Open Letter to God

I was mad at you, you know. I was mad because I was praying to you for answers but you gave me none. They gave me none. None other than that essentially, they think my suffering is not caused by my body. That it’s from my mind. They lie, saying it can be cured, but I know that this kind of illness is not only not curable. Its success of treatment is incredibly slim. If they are even correct in their ideas.

Sadly they think they know the answer. So they stop thinking and looking. They see every new element as just fitting with their diagnosis of insanity. So I am alone now, in a surrounding that won’t believe me, even when things escalate and land me in emergency care. So I will stop caring now, stop hoping for answers. I was mad with you because I was desperate to know if my suffering meant I was in danger. If it was going to keep spreading. If I could loose my life to this suffering. But the doors to the answers have closed for me and I am left with no choice but to hope they are right. If they are right, there is no danger. If they are wrong, I won’t know until it’s too late.

I was mad at you. Not because you inflicted the suffering but childishly because I was hoping that the words we pray could come true. That you can ease the illness of the sick. For me, easing my mind with answers would have been a miracle. But that easement did not come. Things are still getting worse. And I have given up.

I was mad at you for bringing me to the point of giving up. Everyone always asks “why me?” and I try not to ask that question. There is no answer. And even if there were one, it would not change anything, I would not get better from knowing why I was made to suffer. I would not grow closer to you or further, I would stay the same. There is no answer and I do not want one.

I am more curious for how much more I can take. When I think I have reached the limit I always find more strength inside me to push through. To pray when the touch of my clothes on my skin sets me ablaze. To go to class when my hand is locked in spasms. To stubbornly keep walking when my hip is subluxed. I have no other choice. As my body finds new meaning in the number 10 on the scale, as the lanyard gets pushed further and further, I can do nothing other than follow it. And while I didn’t know where I got that strength from, I think now that I get it from you.

I was mad at you because I thought I wasn’t heard. But now I feel like this is how you are replying. Not in easement. But in strength.

You know my heart. You know my wish to be your student, to be part of your people, you know how it encompasses me and frames my decisions. I follow the laws of food that you gave us, as much as I reasonably can afford. I sew and collect the items that form your day to day worship. I hide my eyes in prayer and from the light of the shabbat flames. But these things are only the ritual and visual.

For you I have changed the way I see the world. I have adapted a much kinder take on human kind. I have re-assessed the worth of life. I have a deeper appreciation for the value of existence in and of itself. I have started regular donation to charity and carry change in my pockets. I am zealous to share my knowledge and learn new crafts so I can give back to people and the world. You have made my life richer just be being part of it, by being in my routine. In eternal struggle with your Torah, I am learning your words and binding them to my hand and forehead to fight and question every one of them. You are worth this struggle.

The suffering makes it harder for me to do these things. But I choose to believe that you are letting me feel just a tiny reward by giving me the strength I need. I am going to teach a girl to swim in two weeks, fulfilling her biggest dream. I teach first aid classes for a meager wage, because it might save a life. I thank the bus driver every time I can. I listen when my roommate is upset about school. These things, to me, are deeply religious acts. Even if on the outside they look ordinary. Many people do these things and they need no reason for it. I do not need a reason for it, I do not believe that there is a reward in an afterlife for good deeds in this one.

Tikkun Olam. Bettering the world. That is a reward in itself. God, thank you for giving me just enough strength to do these things.

But where does this leave us?

I was mad at you. I am still a little bit, but less. The realisation of the deep, intense trauma caused by the medical mishandling of my case is helping me to grow closer to you again. My anger is not just for you. It is born out of anxiety from this mishandling. I hope you will understand my feelings. I hope you accept my apologies.

I have given up finding a reason for my suffering. As long as it is not dangerous, I just cannot find it within myself to care. In about a month I pray I will be back on pain medicine, mitigating the suffering just enough to push through. But if I cannot get it, I will continue to push through the suffering until the end.

You know where that end is, God, but I do not.

I am in your hands. I place my trust in you. I fear you as much as I love you.

As long as I am in this strange in between, a place with no proper name. A goyim, a non jew, but also becoming one. Someone who prays to you like a jew, who tries to live like a jew, who is naturalising into the jewish people. I hope that I can endure through this in between and push until that all changing dip. Once, be’ezrat hashem, I emerge from the waters... My suffering won’t be over but the strength you have given me will find a blessed conclusion as a new chapter begins. A new struggle. But not alone. There is no reason why I shouldn’t reach this point, as I have your strength with me and there should be no danger to my life.

This is a letter to you, a prayer. A request for your help and guidance. An apology. The pain I suffer is something I can and will endure. With or without answers, with or without assistance. I will endure it until the end, with your help.

- a conversion student

#jumblr #conversion #chronic pain #prayer #judaism

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shkspr · 5 years

Text

okay i’m really really not coherent right now, so here’s a bunch of scattered thoughts re: judaism and good omens. i must disclaim that my experiences with judaism are not everybody’s experiences with judaism and this interpretation of the text isn’t just through a religious lens, but a highly personal one, for me.

the premise of the story, the concept of an angel and a demon defying heaven and hell in order to save the earth, is the most important thing to me, here. because i’ve said many times before that crowley and aziraphale’s non-humanity is used in the story to amplify their fundamental humanity, and this is the sterling example of it. they are not religious humans who have beliefs; they know that g-d exists and that angels and demons exist and that heaven and hell exist, they’ve seen it, they’re part of it. they’re not operating on faith, and that’s part of why they seem to have very little faith in the system, when it comes down to it. but they still have faith in humanity.

jewish history is a broken record of fear and persecution, but also of triumph and connection and love. we don’t always win, but we always survive, we always persist. and why would we trust the men at the top, why would we believe they’ve got anyone’s best interests in mind, when we’ve seen firsthand time and time again that that’s not the case? why would we put our faith in anything, in anyone but ourselves? we can love and praise and thank hashem, but at the end of the day, we know it comes down to us. we can believe in g-d, some of us, we can take that on faith, but we can’t allow ourselves to become complacent in that belief.

the point is. the point is. the point is that when presented with the great plan, the will of heaven and hell, the decided fate of the world, they said no. they said that’s not good enough for me. they said g-d is not always right, how can she be, all the way up there? how can heaven and hell make any decisions regarding the fate of a planet on which they’ve never lived, people they’ve never met, plants and animals they’ve never seen up close? perhaps crowley and aziraphale see some merits in the system, perhaps they aren’t completely for or against it, but they have priorities, much like humans.

judaism commands us to fast on yom kippur as an act of teshuvah, repentance, but that obligation is secondary to pikuach nefesh, preserving a life. for those of us who have conditions that necessitate regular eating, those of us for whom fasting is dangerous or unhealthy, eating on yom kippur is an act of teshuvah. we cannot properly atone or reflect while depriving our bodies; we cannot return to g-d while neglecting one of her highest commandments. we have priorities.

crowley and aziraphale prioritize the world. they prioritize each other, they prioritize humanity, they prioritize tikkun olam, repair of the world. they prioritize love and connection and simple pleasures and kindness and life, above all else. they know better than to blindly accept orders from their higher-ups, they know better than to think that authority always knows best, and they know better than to allow a thriving, beautiful world die for the sake of a plan that was set in motion before anyone knew what it would grow into. they are not concerned with following heaven and hell’s rules to the letter; they are concerned with preserving what they know to be good and worthy.

#p.txt #gomens #that's judaism babe!#g-d is an unreliable narrator bitch!!!#ok to rb #this is like. only a fraction of my feelings i have so so many random thoughts on this but this is the big picture i guess

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gabagabaink · 5 years

Text

Rory Regan x Jewish! reader

Words: 1,839

Y/N = Your Name

A/N: This is just a little something I’ve been working on, sorry if it sucks. I wrote the reader as a religious, Sephardic Jew, and this is set at about mid/end season 5ish?

Enjoy!

‘God, all I want are some Doritos, but nooo. Doritos aren’t kosher in the U.S.’ Y/N thought as she walked through Star City.

Y/N was in Star City to talk to a tech start-up that the law firm she worked at saw as a potential client. She had just left her things at the hotel she was staying at, and was looking for something to eat. She came across a coffee shop that had a kosher symbol in the window and decided to go in.

Whilst Y/N was deciding what to order, she heard a familiar voice. She turned around and saw a face she hadn’t seen in a long time, over by a table, sitting with two others.

‘Ho. Ly. SHIT.’ she thought. ‘Is that Rory?’

Y/N had gone to high school with Rory. They used to be really good friends. They would hang out all the time. They would study together, eat lunch together, and laugh about their classmates together. Y/N and Rory were also really close to each other’s families.

When the tragedy in Havenrock occurred, Y/N’s family were no longer living in the town. However, it was her hometown and she was hit hard by it. Y/N had no way of knowing if Rory was alive and she just hoped that he had been able to get out or to get his rags. Y/N was also one of the few people who knew about the magical, ancient rags from the time of Bnei Yisrael in the desert. She had a feeling that they would have been able to keep him safe.

Just as this thought came to Y/N, a news report on the TV in the restaurant began to talk about a vigilante named the “Green Arrow” and how his group saved some citizens from an explosion. She couldn’t help but notice that one of the Green Arrow’s accomplices was a superhero named the “Ragman”.

The report also showed a picture of what Y/N remembered being the rags that Rory inherited.

‘I can’t quite imagine Rory running around being a superhero. But at the same time, it doesn’t quite seem like something he wouldn’t do… Oh my god, he is the Ragman isn’t he!”

Now, while Y/N was contemplating this exciting, yet also a slightly distressing thought, Rory had come to realize to whom that familiar face that just walked in belonged to.

At first, he had trouble recognizing her, she had changed quite a bit from the gangly, emo-ish teen he used to know. Then again, Rory had changed a bit too. He never thought he would be running around wearing his ancestor's rags, saving people with a team of vigilantes.

‘Is that- No, it can’t be. It’s Y/N! Wow. Wait, what’s she doing here?’ he thought. Rory hadn’t been in touch with Y/N for a while. Neither of them was at fault. Stuff happens, people move away, and it can grow hard to keep in touch. Especially when one of them moves to a different country.

“Yo rags, whatcha’ lookin’ at?” questioned Rene.

Rory snapped out of his stupor. “Um, I-uh. Nothing.”

“Really?” asked Curtis. “Because it looks like you were staring at that girl.”

“I wasn’t staring”

“Uh, yeah you were,” muttered Rene before stuffing half a sandwich in his mouth.

“She’s just someone I knew in high school. I haven’t talked to her in forever.”

“You should go talk to her!” urged Curtis.

“I… Um… (sigh) ok.” Rory conceded as he got up from his chair.

“Well that was easier than I thought it would be,” said Curtis.

As Rory was on his way to Y/N, she had just made her mind to head over to his table once she got her coffee. She was on her way to his table when she realized that they were practically face-to-face.

“Oh, my- Rory! Hi, it’s so good to see you!” Y/N said as she gave him one of her signature hugs that used to be a common gesture after bad days.

“Y/N, hi! I haven’t seen you in forever!” Rory said.

“I know! How have you been doing?”

“Good, good. I mean, losing everyone was hard, but I’m doing ok. You?”

Y/N nodded, “I’m fine Baruch Hashem. I’m so sorry for what happened to your family. I would have come to see you, but… Well, I didn’t even know that you were alive.”

“And you were in Israel,” Rory added. “It’s ok,” he said reassuringly. “And I was really happy to hear that all of your family made it out.”

“Thank you. But not all of them made it out. Your parents were practically family to me.” Y/N said softly.

“Yeah” he replied, memories of his deceased loved ones taking over his brain. “Uh, what brings you to Star City?” he stammered, bringing himself back from memory lane.

“Well, I’m working for this law firm, and they want to get this new startup… um, Helix something or other, as their client.”

“Oh, that’s awesome,” he replied, still kind of out of it. “So how long will you be in town for?”

“Well, that all depends. If the startup decides to become a client, then I’ll be here for a while, and after that, I’ll be going back home, and then I’ll be coming back every few weeks. However, if they decide not to, I’ll only be here for a little bit.”

“Oh, I hope you can get them to become clients then,” Rory said, as his brain put two and two together. “What did you say the name of the startup was again?”

“Um, Helix Dynamics.” “This is perfect!”

Y/N looked quizzically at Rory in response to this reaction, and he almost kicked himself for his lack of an explanation.

“I-um. I mean, basically, I’m friends with the people who own the startup. One of the owners is actually here at the restaurant with me. At that table over there.”

Y/N followed his gaze over to the table where Curtis was fiddling with some electronic device, and Rene was scarfing down another burger.

“Really, how do you know them?”

“Oh, I-um. We just kinda know each other. Like casual acquaintances.” Rory said, failing at coming up with a believable lie. He wasn’t really close to anyone in Star City who he would have to lie about his “vigilante-ing”, so the coming up with excuses thing was new to him.

“Anyway, let me introduce you.”

The pair walked over to the table.

“Guys, this is Y/N. Y/N, this is Rene, and that’s Curtis. Curtis is one of the owners of Helix Dynamics. Curtis, Y/N is the representative from that law firm that you and Felicity were telling us about.”

“I also happen to have been lucky enough to be this dork’s friend in high school.” Y/N added with a smirk creeping onto her face.

Curtis stood up and shook her hand, and Rene finally swallowed his burger and greeted her.

“Nice to meet you, you said you knew Regan from high school?” Rene asked.

“Yeah,” Y/N answered. “We went to the same Jewish day school for high school, and we hung out a lot.”

“Hung out a lot?” snorted Rory. “Please, you were the daughter my mother never had. And I was at your house almost every Shabbat afternoon.”

“That is true. You’re practically Sephardic now,” she confirmed with a smile.

Curtis then invited her to sit down and the two then planned a time to meet together with Felicity about Y/N’s law firm. After finding a time, and drinking her coffee, Y/N bade the three farewell.

“Where are you staying?” Curtis asked.

Y/N told them the name of the hotel she was lodging at.

“Oh, my apartment’s near there,” Rory said happily. “I can walk you if you want.”

“Sure, lead the way.”

The two old friends headed out and left Rene and Curtis at the table by themselves.

“I ship it,” Curtis stated.

Rene rolled his eyes.

As Rory and Y/N walked to the hotel they talked and got caught up on each other’s lives. Where they’ve been, what they’ve been up to.

“So, you know why I’m here. But how did you end up in Star City?” Y/N asked him.

“Well, I was just looking for somewhere to go. After everything in Havenrock, you know? And I guess I just kind of… ended up here.”

Y/N nodded and seemed deep in thought for a few seconds. After hearing two not so believable explanations from him, it got her thinking back to the revelation she had come to moments before the two had reunited.

Whether Rory was the Ragman or not.

“Did you bring the rags? Do you still have them?”

Rory was a bit surprised by her question. He had forgotten that she even knew about them.

“Of course I have them. Why?”

“Alright, I’m just going to say it,” she looked down and took a deep breath. “Are you Ragman?”

Shocked silence.

“I just mean, I saw this thing on the news, and I remembered the rags and it just sounds like something you could get yourself into and it just kinda makes sen-”

“Yes.”

Y/N’s rambling was immediately cut off by Rory’s curt answer.

“Excuse me?”

Rory sighed looking away from her. Part of him was surprised that barely a couple hours after reuniting she would figure out his secret so quickly. But part of him was expecting this to happen. If anyone could find out that he was Ragman, it would be Y/N.

He then looked her right in the eyes and clarified that “Yes as in, I am Ragman. And yes, it is the rags.”

“I. Um… Oh.” Y/N mumbled. The shock visible on her face.

“I’m sorry for not telling you earlier, I just- we haven’t seen each other in a while, and I didn’t get a chance t-”

“It’s fine,” Y/N said soothingly, taking his hands that moments before had been flying all over the place.

“Also, just for the record, I KNEW IT!” she then exclaimed, jumping in the air a little.

Rory chuckled a little, realizing how much he had missed this wonderful human being.

The two continued on their way, with Y/N beginning to get more curious about her friend’s vigilante life.

“So what, you go around beating up bad guys?”

“Well I mean, basically? But it’s more complicated than that.”

“Of course.”

“I mean, it’s kind of awesome to be doing it. And, it’s also nice to be part of a team.”

“A crime-fighting team.”

Y/N had Rory laughing yet again. “Yeah,” he said, a smile on his face.

The pair soon came upon the hotel.

“Well, here we are,” announced Rory.

“Thank you for escorting me safely, good samaritan Ragman! You have truly gone above and beyond your call of duty.” Y/N jokingly thanked him, bowing for effect.

“At your service fair maiden,” he joked back, adding a little tilt of his head as well.

The two then went their separate ways, already eager to see each other again.

#rory regan x reader #rory regan x jewish! reader #rory regan #ragman #arrowverse #arrowverse one-shot

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ecoamerica · 2 months

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youtube

Watch the 2024 American Climate Leadership Awards for High School Students now: https://youtu.be/5C-bb9PoRLc

The recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by student climate leaders! Join Aishah-Nyeta Brown & Jerome Foster II and be inspired by student climate leaders as we recognize the High School Student finalists. Watch now to find out which student received the $25,000 grand prize and top recognition!

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whateverudesire358 · 5 years

Photo

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benjiclarington · 5 years

Text

New Parents || Para

WHO: Benji Clarington ( @benjiclarington ) and Topher Hummel ( @topherxhummel ) ; mentions Austin Pillsbury-Schuester ( @psitsaustin )

WHERE: The Sunshine Mall, Tophji’s dorm room

WHEN: 16th July 2019

NOTES: Hazing is a lot more creative than it used to be; after anonymously being a delivered an animatronic doll and electronic bracelets, the boys are expected to follow a strict set of rules for ‘caring’ for their daughter Daffodil Daphne if they expect to make it into AXi in one piece. So, ever the rule followers, the boys go to the mall to get the doll some clothes.

TRIGGERS: N/a

WORD COUNT: 6356

"We look like idiots..." Benji whispered, the animatronic baby cuddled close in his arms. "It's bad enough we have to get clothes for it, but we actually have to hold it like a fucking baby. The thing has an altimeter in it. If you tilt it too much, it cries. I probably already reset the time," he explained, grabbing a cart from shopping cart return of the mall. "Where are we going first?"

"Could be worse," Topher remarked under his breath as his gaze darted back and forth from Benji to their general surroundings. "Chances are this will probably be easier to explain than anything else they could have cooked up. Sure we'll all be laughing about this by the end of the week." He motioned with his head in the direction of a nearby baby supply store. "Start there and make up a plan as we go along?"

Benji looked at the Baby Supply Store, then nodded, grabbing Topher's wrist with his free hand and dragging him towards the store, his frustration over the whole thing getting the better of him. "The faster we can get this thing into a stroller or something, the better. At least then we can pretend it's a real baby then."

Topher gave a nod of agreement as he followed along then glanced back at his best friend. "This is probably a stupid question for me to ask, but are you alright? What's on your mind?" Sure, he was quite annoyed himself that apparently some higher power thought this would be a fantastic idea, but he was just trying to take things one step at a time and work on the figurative fires one by one.

"I'm fine," Benji shot back, not bothering to even turn his head. He couldn't handle this right now; of all the people to be pair up with on a task like this, it had to be the person he was quietly in love with. All those torturous dreams of the two of them being together, doing things just like this, and this definitely didn't help. "Stroller, right?" He asked, letting go of Topher's hand when they made it into the aisle.

The Creative Writing major decided to drop the subject and instead nodded once again. "Yep, stroller then clothes. We can chuck whatever else we might need on to the list as we go along," Topher answered. "Maybe one of those portable carrying things too, that parents strap to their chest or back." He took a quick moment to do some mental calculations then took a deep breath. "Damn, I think that would drain me of money for a bit," he muttered.

Benji grabbed one of the strollers with a cover off a hook and opened it, kneeling down to place the boy's baby inside. "Okay. Grab one while I strap her in," he said, making sure the baby wouldn't fall and reset their time again. "We need a nickname. I'm not calling her Daffo--what...? Chris, you're not paying for any of this. Don't worry." he assured, going back to trying to figure out all the buckles.

Topher went to pick up one of the nearby portable carriers and soon returned. He set it on the floor then joined Benji in trying to figure out the buckles. "How about Daphne for the nickname? It's close enough to Daffodil, but more of a mainstream name that it won't raise as many eyebrows. As for the money thing, it wouldn't be too much of a problem. I've got plenty of ready to eat and one step stuff back in the dorm then I don't think I've got any major outings lined up where pitching in money would be necessary."

"Daphne. I... kinda like that," Benji said, unable to hold back a small smile. He knew he couldn't let himself get swept up in this fantasy, but it was already becoming difficult. "Chris, I have an unlimited credit line. You're not paying for anything," he stressed, finally getting the buckles fastened. "C'mon, let's check out and go to a store for clothes. Do you wanna push or should I?"

He probably could have initiated a back and forth match about the money situation, but didn't want to risk it. Animatronic or real, babies could pick up on that type of stuff. There were too many real risks present with a crying Daphne among them. So Topher remained quiet and just gave a small smile of his own. "Then we're in agreement with the nickname. As for the stroller, I'll handle it."

Benji nodded, standing back up. He made quick work of paying for the items, not even bothering to look at the cost, before turning back to Topher. "Baby store ideas? I mean, this decides everything. Do we want our baby to be Preppy? Hipster? Artsy? This is a big decision," he teased.

That got a laugh out of Topher and he responded, "Maybe a blend of our styles? I mean, I switch between prep and hipster on a dime. Then you look like you just left a fashion show in the best way possible. Got the king of swag over here, gracing us with his presence."

Benji turned away, hopefully hiding the fact that he was blushing. He hooked the shopping bag holding the carrier onto the stroller handle, then smiled. "Let's just... try Baby Gap? At least to start?"

"Yeah, Baby Gap to start with. But I do mean it with the king of swag thing. Care to teach me your ways?" Topher rattled off as he started to push the stroller out of the store. "I also meant what I said earlier. Maybe we'll be laughing about this by the end of the week."

"I could teach you if you really wanted," Benji replied with a giggle before immediately covering his mouth with his hand; why did Topher have to be so good at giving compliments? He could feel his heart beating out of his chest. "Please tell me we're not 'she a girl, so she wears pink' parents," he begged.

Topher gave a nod then immediately shook his head at the inquiry. "Pardon my French, but there is a snowball's chance in hell that I'm going to be that way. Clothes are clothes, colors are colors, and who are we to assign them to certain genders? Then in the words of some of my friends back home, what even is gender?"

“Baruch HaShem,” Benji muttered under his breath, walking the two of them to an aisle. “So we need PJs and three day outfits. And shoes. And accessories,” he added, already scouring one of the aisles.

If he was in his right mind, he probably would’ve realized that he was already doing exactly what he didn’t want to do—getting lost in the fantasy of being a family with Topher—but the first sight of pink ballet slippers in their doll’s size forced him to forget again. “Look at these!” He said excitedly, showing them to Topher. “Daphne can be a ballerina just like her dad!”

Topher gave a light chuckle as he glanced at the ballet slippers. "Yeah, that would be pretty cool. She'd literally be following in your footsteps," he joked before his attention drifted to a nearby rack of clothes. "Dude, there's a little blazer over there. I wore a blazer once and let me tell you, it felt like I was living all of my snooty author dreams. Plus, there's nothing wrong with being pretentious every once and awhile, as long as it's not overdone."

Benji set down the ballet shoes, then turned to the baby blazer. "Okay. I'm not gonna lie. That's really cute. It's the Summer though. I think it's too hot for a blazer..." Benji acknowledged, giving Topher a little frown. "Maybe something a little lighter?"

"You're right," Topher replied as he tried to find something more suitable for the summer. "I think I see a onesie over there with a rainbow stripe pattern. Who says pride month is over? Then there's a couple of superhero themed ones that could look adorable."

"Rainbow onesie? I love i--" Benji started, only to be cut off by the sound of Daffodil starting to wail. "Chris--help," he shouted, pulling up the hood of the stroller and unbuckling the doll from the seat as quickly as he could.

"It's okay, Daph. It's okay," he cooed as if it were a real child, switching his bracelet to 'feed' and trying to bounce her, starting panic when the crying didn't cease after a few seconds. "I changed her before we left. Does she want you, or should I try another setting?"

Topher immediately turned his attention right back to Benji and Daffodil. Panic immediately started to flood his heart when the crying started then it only increased when he noticed the same emotion on his best friend's face. "I'll try taking her. If that doesn't work, then we need to go through the other settings," he answered in a calm tone as he held his free arm out in the offer of taking the doll. "Hey Daphne, it's alright. We're right here. We're not going anywhere."

"Daphne, I'm giving you to Chris, okay?" Benji assured as he handed the doll over, becoming more panicked the longer the doll cried. Even though the real-life stakes of their doll crying were small, that didn't keep Benji from being worried. "Is it working?"

The Creative Writing major fiddled with the bracelet until he found the appropriate setting then did his best to keep himself calm. "It's okay Daphne," Topher reassured as he carefully bounced around just a bit and held her close. It took a few more moments before the crying slowed down and then the doll was quiet. "Apparently I'm as good with babies as I am with elementary school children."

"Baruch HaShem for that," Benji whispered, quickly getting lost at the sight of Topher comforting their baby. "You'd be a great dad. I can already tell," he said breathlessly before remembering that this wasn't a dream. Oh no, how long had he been staring at Topher like school boy?

"So. Rainbow onesie?" He said quickly as he turned to face the clothes rack, silently praying that Topher didn't notice how awkward he was being.

"Yeah, rainbow onesie or one of the superhero ones. Thank you very much and the same thing goes for you," Topher replied as he continued to hold Daphne. "I'll hold her for a bit a longer then put her back in the stroller. Course if she starts crying again then that plan can go out the window and I'll just keep holding her."

"Right. Of course," Benji replied, scouring through the onesies for one in Daphne's size. "This is definitely what she's gonna wear tomorrow," he said, throwing it over his arm, "And one of these for PJs, maybe?" He offered, holding up a grey bunny pajama onesie.

Topher hummed in agreement as he glanced up at what Benji was selecting. "I know she's only a robot, but I think she'd look adorable in just about anything really. Babies probably have that effect where they can pull off whatever outfit," he rattled off before he noticed a particular onesie. "Dude, there's one right by you that says level one human. Think it'd be perfect for the kid of two gigantic nerds?"

Benji looked where Topher was pointing, then laughed, picking up the onesie. "We're definitely getting that one too." He looked down at the three onesies--one PJs and the other two day outfits--in his arms, then turned back to Topher. "So we need one more onesie, then shoes. And maybe like a headband? I think I saw a cool one ove--" he started, jumping when the baby started to cry again.

Topher gave a nod of approval then carefully started switching through the different bracelet settings in order to see if any of them would help. When he landed right back where he started, he tried the cuddling and light bouncing approach again. It calmed the crying only slightly and immediately made concern appear on his face. "I can grab the headband if you're cool with taking over this mini investigation?"

Benji nodded and took the baby from him, bouncing it as he switched to the different settings on the bracelet. The crying slowed down for a quick moment, only for it to start back up again. And harder. "Christopher?" Benji called, panic in his voice. "It's okay, Daphne. It's okay," he kept whispering, obviously at a loss for what to do.

Topher soon returned with the headband and handed it to Benji before he offered up an arm to take Daphne again. He ran through the settings on the bracelet one more time until one caught his eye. "We might need to burp her since you just used the feeding setting if I'm not mistaken. Then either way, we can try changing her as a back up, just to be safe."

"Are you telling me there's actually an order to this? Great. More to remember," Benji replied, taking the headband and holding it against one of the outfits, smiling softly to himself, before looking back up. "I'm so glad you're here."

"Glad I got you here for this too," Topher agreed as he carefully burped Daphne. "But I'm operating under the assumption that there is an order to this. But I honestly think that with anybody else, probably would have lost my patience long before now. Guess it's because of the knowledge that we've got each others' backs?"

“To the ends of the earth,” Benji replied, a soft smile on his face. He bit his lip hard, the sight of Topher showing how good of a father he’s be sending a number of thoughts through his head, but eventually shook himself out of it, turning back to the shelves of the store. “Shoes then check out?” He said, wanting desperately to distract himself.

"Shoes then check out," Topher repeated in a tone filled with agreement. His mind just wouldn't stop racing and honestly, he needed a distraction of his own. "I'll grab the shoes real quick then meet you at the register? Three pairs of shoes for different days and all that related business," he rattled off then gave Benji a soft smile of reassurance.

Benji nodded and started to walk over to the register, grabbing a second headband that caught his eye from a shelf on his walk over. In the back of his mind, he knew there was no reason for him to spend this type of money on a doll they would only have for three days—even if the price was so small in the grand scheme of things that it wouldn’t matter—but he was still enjoying, and encouraging it.

Thankfully, he made it to the counter at that moment, meaning he wouldn’t have to think about the reasons behind his actions any longer. He started to check out, then smiled when the cashier complimented him on his clothing selections. “Thank you!” He replied, raising an eyebrow at the cashier’s next question. “Um... husband, actually,” he replied as casually as he could, deciding to play out his fantasy a bit—what Topher and the cashier didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them—“his name’s Chris. He actually ran to get Daphne some shoes.”

Topher soon reappeared with the shoes and had managed to get Daphne back in the stroller while he was gone. "Here are the shoes. Sorry it took me a bit, kind of slower than a turtle," he quipped then held up his cane as an explanation. The Creative Writing major aimed to lightly rest his head on Benji's shoulder while the cashier finished ringing everything up.

"Do you want to head for the food court and grab a quick bite or do you want to head back?" Personally, he had just enough energy to do one or the other and would probably gain his second wind shortly. Then there was the possibility of his mind deciding to royally screw him over with topics it just wouldn't drop and hadn't dropped since he'd arrived at Joie. But nobody here really needed to know all that now, did they? So he remained still for a few moments and closed his eyes before his attention flicked to Daphne as well as fixing the little things that might make the doll start to cry yet again.

"Food court would be lovely," Benji said, smiling as Topher rest his head on his shoulder. "I'm thinking a nice pretzel and maybe a hotdog? Yum. My treat," he said.

With one swipe of his credit card, he paid for the items, then picked up the bag and slid it onto the handle of the stroller next to the other one. "Plus I want to get Daphne into one of her new outfits. She's gonna look so cute!" He grabbed Topher's wrist and pulled lightly on it, wanting to leave the store. "Please?" he said, giving his best puppy dog pout.

Topher gave a hum of agreement as he followed after Benji and pushed the stroller along. "Yeah, we can make a pit stop by the food court," he responded. As they walked around in search of the food court, it took all of his energy to not start dwelling on this yet again. Who in the whole wide world had sent them this baby doll? Why them, of all people at Joie? But the silence that fell snapped him out of it and Topher remarked, "Sorry for not being the best conversationalist right now. But tell me, whatcha got on your mind?"

"Hmm?" Benji responded, his head on a swivel as he searched for the food court--he wasn't very used to actually having to go to the mall nowadays. "Right now, I'm just trying to find a way to have fun with this whole 'baby' thing," he half-lied. He had already found his fun in imagining this could actually come true some day. "Pretzels!" He said happily, finally seeing the sign for the pretzel kiosk at the front of the food court in the distance.

Topher had to resist the urge to lick his lips once they reached their destination and instead settled down on a nearby bench as he pulled the stroller close to him. He carefully removed Daphne then fiddled with the bracelet settings until he finally found what he was looking for. The slightly younger male held the doll close as he watched Benji. Of course, it wasn't too long before his heart picked up in speed like it did every time he bothered to look at a cute guy and his attention drifted back to Daphne.

Benji came back with their food items, as well as a jumbo pretzel that he intended to split with his best friend. "She's gonna be getting hungry, right?" he asked, gently running his hand down their baby's head as if to somehow help with soothing her. "I feel like she's usually hungry again by now, judging by this morning."

"I imagine she will be," Topher agreed as he resumed messing with the settings until he found the feeding one. "So it'll be ready in case she does start crying soon," he explained before his attention landed on the pretzel. "Alright, so what do you want to talk about now that we've gotten the objectives of the day accomplished?"

Benji shrugged and simply jutted out the pretzel for Topher to take part of. He knew what he wanted to talk about; the same thing he always did: the fact that he was desperately in love with his best, straight, friend. But he refused to think to about that right now. He wanted to cherish this time together. This was the closest to really being together that they two of them would ever be.

He was about to speak when an older woman who was walking by stopped and turned towards them, smiling brightly. "Well aren't you two the cutest? You look just like my son and his husband," the lady said, "And she looks just precious. What's her name?" She questioned, pointing at Daphne; from her angle, the doll looked just like a regular baby resting in Topher's arms.

"Thanks," Topher directed at both the woman as well as Benji after he'd gotten himself a piece of the pretzel. Those questions as well as the comments didn't do much to ease the near constant panic that lingered in the back of his mind. Not to mention that it created a true Gordian Knot of a situation or at least that's what it felt like in his opinion.

"Her name is Daphne. Hope your son and husband are doing well, the same goes for you," he rattled off with ease. Now the Creative Writing major could only hope that anything he said could be written off with ease. But there was one thing that he did want to explain slash create a fake one for first. "She's actually a baby doll. We're in a class together at the local college and the project is to look after a baby for three days." This was soon followed by a shrug as Topher's attention drifted back to those nonstop thoughts while his gaze flicked down to Daphne.

The older woman laughed lightly at Topher's explanation, doing a double-take at the baby as she realized that it was in fact just a doll. "Oh, the crazy things they have you kids do for lessons nowadays," she said with a content sigh. "And my eyes aren't the way they used to be, I suppose. At least I got the loving couple part right. Although that's not much to brag for--you can see the way you two look at each other a mile away! You don't find couples like that too often in your generation; you've got something special here." She gave a nod to punctuate her piece, then turned her head. "Nice talking you to you two! Such sweet boys..." she murmured, more to herself, as she walked away.

By this point, Benji was looking straight down at the floor, not wanting Topher to see how bright red his whole face had turned. He wanted to speak, but stayed silent, desperately wishing that he could somehow read what was going through his best friend's mind.

"Nice talking to you too," Topher responded as a farewell when he finally glanced up to meet the woman's gaze again. If the previous remarks hadn't caught his attention before, then these new ones definitely wouldn't let go of it. He looked back down at Daphne as he used the bracelet to feed her in the hopes of taking his mind off the chaos that had just been unleashed in his mind. There was a hell of a lot to potentially unpack from this exchange of words and Topher could only hope some of the hidden meanings remained locked away.

"Think I wouldn't have noticed the doll factor at first glance myself if I was in her shoes," he lightly quipped as he shrugged. "And I don't think my eyes are even that bad. But hey, cool that she's accepting. Definitely inspires a bit more faith in humanity at least."

"Definitely..." Benji whispered in reply, still trying to process everything the woman said to them. Was the way that he looked at Topher really that obvious? And if it was that obvious to a stranger, what if Topher had noticed too, but was just playing nice because he didn't want things to be awkward between the two of them? He knew Topher well enough by now to know that that was definitely something his best friend would do.

As he thought, he mindlessly scooted away from Topher a bit just in case his thoughts we right; he didn't want Topher to think he was one of those 'Predatory Gay' stereotypes that straight guys were always afraid of... he knew he needed to get over Topher, but his heart just wouldn't let him go.

Topher almost started in on another tangent about faith redeeming stories as well as people behind them, yet decided to save it for down the road. Instead he started to carefully burp Daphne once she was finished and remained tight-lipped. He honestly could have gone on at length about how he felt incredibly lucky to have such awesome people in his life and how they built up his faith in the human race everyday, Benji among them. But of course, there was a chance that a love letter could have written itself in between the lines and he just didn't want to play with fate today. "You want to head back in a bit? Think we got everything that we need.”

Benji bit his lip, thought for a moment, then nodded. What was once a nice time out had suddenly been engulfed in a near-tangible cloud of uncomfortableness, but as much as he tried, Benji had no real clue how to fix it. "Did... did she burp okay?" he asked, trying to give the two something to talk about. "She'll probably take a nap on the way home."

"Yeah, she did," Topher answered just as Daphne burped. He carefully placed her back in the stroller as he gave a nod of agreement. "Would you be cool with driving us back? I would, but I'm honestly worn out and the last time I was in a car while worn out, I ended up needing to use this." He gestured to his cane as he said that last part then removed his keys in order to hold them out.

"Yeah, I can do that," Benji responded as he took Topher's keys. "Take a nap on the car ride back."

-~-~-~-

"Chris? Can you tell me if my knees are completely straight? I can't see myself in the mirror," Benji called from his side of the room. While Topher was doing his homework, Ben was doing his homework as well, but, as someone studying dance and circus performance, instead of writing essays, he was trying to perfect his full mountain back bend.

Topher glanced up from his laptop before he responded, "Yeah, your knees are completely straight." He currently rested on his bed with Daphne propped on a couple of the pillows that he had and his laptop in front of him. "I honestly have no clue as to how you do that. It would take a miracle for me to be that flexible."

Benji slowly unwound himself until he reached a normal standing position then smiled, raising his arms to stretch as he spoke. "Practice mostly. It's really fun and freeing once you start to loosen yourself up. Plus guys just drool over it. I can't wait to show Austin," he added nonchalantly, bending down to touch his toes as his next stretch.

"Well, I imagine that Austin will be no different," Topher idly commented after he'd taken note about everything else Benji said. "How did that date go, by the way? Think we talked about it a bit the night of when you got back and forgive me for being nosy, but I want to be a good best friend. Also cause I kinda want to know the answer to the 'is he a gamer' question."

"It was really good!" Benji replied--he wasn't lying, it was a great date, but it still wasn't the person he wanted to go on a date with. "He's such a sweetheart and we're planning a second date for sometime soon. He is a gamer, but a casual one, so that's like... half a point towards his 'basically my perfect man' score card. Although he's an amazing kisser, so that definitely makes up for it. Ugh."

Topher hummed along in approval as he listened then closed his laptop in order to show Benji had his full attention. Of course, he came to regret it once the kissing detail hit his ears, but for reasons he just couldn't put his finger on. "That's cool. I honestly don't know what would happen if he either wasn't a fan or was just as much of a nerd as the two of us combined. But he sounds like a cool guy."

"Honestly, Chris? He's, like, so close to my perfect guy that it's crazy. Like, it almost feels too close to believe. Like, my biggest complaint is that he's only a casual gamer. D'you know what I mean?" He stood back up and walked over to Topher's bed, sitting on the corner of it. "He's just... almost perfect," he added with a sigh.

"I get what you mean, but then again, there is that whole 'no human being is perfect' thing as well as the 'our imperfections make us who we are and that's beautiful' thing. Basically all that positive self help stuff guidance counselors rattle off like it's going out of style," Topher answered with a light shrug. "As basically an outsider to the world of dating, sounds to me like you found your match. I hope you guys have a grand old time on your second date."

"I hope so too," Benji whispered, looking down as thoughts flooded through his mind. After a moment, he looked back up, wanting nothing more than for the thoughts to stop. "What about you? Thought more about asking Hannah out?" He asked, both out of distraction and out of hope that the answer was no.

"Not really," Topher responded as his tone dipped into a more absent-minded one. "Kinda been a bit too busy with other stuff, you know? Plus, dating and I don't really mix. Only had two girlfriends in the past and the break ups were messy as hell. Took a long time until we got back up to being friends."

Benji nodded, "That makes--" he started, only to be cut off by Daphne starting to wail. The noise caught him off guard and made him jump, but as soon as the shock was out of the way, he had already turned on his bracelet and pulled the baby doll into his arms, bouncing her as he shuffled through the settings. "It's okay, Daphne... It's okay, baby..." he whispered repeatedly, his tone growing more panicked as she continued to cry.

Topher held his hands out in order to take Daphne as his own eyes widened with panic. "It's alright guys," he repeated over and over in his usual calm tone. Sure, the concern was unbelievably real when it came to both his best friend as well as their doll daughter, but if he took the time to dwell on it then precious moments would be wasted. "We're right here Daph. It's okay darling," he reassured.

Benji passed Daphne off to Topher, but her cries only grew louder. "I don't know what's wrong," Benji stressed, the cries starting to stress him out further. "I went through all the settings and she's still crying. She's never cried this hard before. Chris, fix it!"

"I don't know either, but slow your roll for just a moment," Topher started as he got to work on running through his own bracelet's settings while his mind raced a mile a minute with various thoughts as well as potential reasons that this was happening.

"Panic won't help anybody in this situation, okay? Now, let's think about this for a bit. We've fed her, burped her, and changed her all in the past few hours. She doesn't want to be alone, but also doesn't want one of us in particular."

"Okay, then what does she want?" Benji asked, covering his ears to try to muffle Daphne's wails at least a bit. The doll was essentially screeching at this point, and unlike his counterpart, Benji did not take this kind of pressure very well. He could feel himself getting more overwhelmed by the moment. "Chrissss," he begged, pleading for him to come to a solution.

The solution was right on the tip of Topher's tongue, but hell, he didn't want to say it out loud. Of course, there was the fact that his family and friends always came first. There wasn't a thing in the world that he wouldn't do for Benji and even though Daphne was doll, he did have to admit he'd grown attached to her already. "Ben, listen to me. Maybe we should try holding her at the same time. I have no idea how in the whole wide world we're going to pull it off, but it's worth a try."

Benji nodded wildly, scrambling to get next to him in the bed. Yes, the end of their shopping trip earlier that day had left some awkwardness in the air, but after dealing with minutes of their baby wailing its head off, Benji was willing to do anything to make it stop--awkwardness be damned. He laid down on the bed and opened his arms wide. If Topher laid down next to him and placed Daphne in the middle, they could both hold her without squishing her or tipping her over. "Like this?"

"Yeah, like that," Topher confirmed. He shifted away for just a moment in order to hurriedly place his laptop under one of the pillows that Daphne had been resting on just a few minutes ago. "I can move it later," he remarked under his breath.

A light yawn worked up and escaped his mouth once he officially laid back down. Of course, the whole 'sharing a bed with his best friend' thing did put his mind on edge a hint once again, yet it was nothing compared to how tired he felt after this long day. "Night Ben, night Daph," Topher murmured as sleep slowly took hold over him.

Benji breathed a sigh of relief when Daphne's crying finally stopped, then turned his head slightly, surprised to see that Topher was planning on the three of them sleeping in the same bed like this. Of course, Benji was far from complaining--he couldn't even count how many dreams he had of the day coming where something similar to this would happen--but he could barely believe it; he wanted to pinch himself. He moved himself slightly so that his head was on Topher's arm and his arm that was not holding Daphne was wrapped around his best friend, then closed his eyes.

Comfortable, he gave a content sigh. "Goodnight, Chris."

-~-~-~-

Morning eventually rolled around and Topher honestly wasn't too surprised when he woke up in the middle of his bed. He had tendencies to toss and turn during the night, especially if dreams were added into the equation. Sleep was carefully rubbed out of his eyes as he took note of the fact that Daphne had been moved during the night too. The doll securely rested against his chest, but his tired mind didn't register the bonus arm draped across his waist until he turned slightly. His gaze rested on Benji's sleeping form, which was adorable on the one hand yet set off multiple red alerts in the back of his mind. "Ben? Ben? Earth to Benji Clarington?"

"Mmm... Chris..." Benji whined, still in a dream. He stirred slightly, instinctively cuddling Topher closer to him, before he slowly opened his eyes. He blinked a few times before he was awake enough to realize the position he was in, but as soon as he processed the situation, he let go of Topher's waist and scooted back, darting his eyes away.

On the one hand, part of Topher wanted to tell Benji that he didn't have to do that. He tended to get cold at night anyway, regardless of the season. But the panic that gnawed at his mind just wouldn't leave him be. Instead, he gave his best friend what he hoped was a reassuring enough smile as he carefully sat up with Daphne in one arm then held his laptop under the other as he shuffled over to plug it in at his desk. He soon returned to his bed and laid back down with a yawn from the lingering sleepiness. "You don't have to leave," he muttered. "I get cold."

Benji stayed silent as he watched Topher move. The entire time, he was worried that he had finally ruined their friendship. Thoughts like, 'If Chris didn't think I was a 'Predatory Gay' before, there was no question that he does now,' piling up in his head. He started to plan his path to get up and leave, possibly even try to sleep at Hunter's for the rest of the night, but all those intrusive thoughts slowed when Topher smiled at him--and when Topher told him he didn't have to leave, they stopped entirely.

"...O-Okay," Benji whispered, not sure what else to say. Was Topher letting him do this? Cuddling on the couch was a normal thing for the pair, but spooning in a shared bed... that was something else entirely--or at least Benji thought.

Topher pushed the blankets down then carefully pulled them up and over the trio. Sure, he would probably be blowing a gasket over this much later in the day, but that was a problem for future Topher. He was still unbelievably tired after playing up the fatherly role. Not to mention that his mind randomly chiming in with side comments about cute guys and how handsome Benji was didn't do much to help matters either. For the time being though, he needed rest and as much as he could possibly get. "Goodnight again you guys."

Benji hesitated for a moment, then slowly wrapped himself around Topher again, pulling him close much like the position they woke up in. Thankfully, Benji's head was behind Topher's because, otherwise, he would not have been able to play off or explain the giant smile that was splayed across his face. It was a small thing, and he knew it would never be the same as the relationship with his best friend that he had spent the last 7 years fantasizing about, but it still made him happy--at least for now.

"Goodnight, Chris," he whispered. "We love you."

#para #para4 #topher

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