#SCREAMING CRYING WAILING I LOOOOVE HIM | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

desire-mona · 3 months

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this most definitely isnt an original thought and i've probably heard it on a podcast before but. i am so married to todd's sweaty tooth madman poem being a metaphor for not accepting being gay.

so here's me picking the whole thing apart (and not proofreading anything)

so starting with

the sweaty toothed madman of course being walt whitman, who we all know is (at least rumoured to be) gay. now the interpretation of whitman being a metaphor for todd's sexuality is nothing new, but i'd like to expand on it.

"i close my eyes and this image floats beside me"

i see this as any moment todd has to himself, no matter where he is, he is reminded whitman/ the fact that he's gay. the specific usage of closing your eyes to mean that the image/ reminder is always there, always following. i see the use of the words "beside me" in a couple different ways. either to suggest that the reminder is just out of view, being pushed away just enough to not be the main focus and more something you see in your peripheral, or in a 3rd person perspective, seeing todd and the imagery of walt beside eachother, coinciding with eachother. i could see both interpretations working equally as well, or even comined.

"the sweaty-toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain"

THIS LINE. i loooove his use of sweaty toothed!!!!!

if you're not sure what sweaty toothed means, it just kinda means ur teeth r. wet. drooly mouth. i see this madman being sweaty toothed to mean that he's "hungry", not literally, but more desiring something. this being truth, which i'll get into later.

the stare that pounds my brain. oh man. ok so obviously this means that the image/ thought is intimidating, terrifying, threatening. the implication that todd being gay is as much of a threat to his life/ wellbeing as a madman that has it out for him, both ideas causing him an insane amount of stress.

this line is fairly simple to me, the reminder goes from something that terrifies you but ultimately can go unacknowledged, to a constant, overbearing thought that suffocates you enough that you HAVE to face it in some way or another. todd is facing it fearfully, letting it take control of him and how he acts rather than tackling the idea himself. he is defenseless against this part of him

truth (ur gay)

todd thinkin this truth will leave him unsatisfied in life :-( not only in the love sense tho! with his family too, if they find out god forbid, theyll surely view him differently and cast him off even farther than they already do. i also like to think this is him lowkey complaining that the blankets at welton are too small.

this also, devastatingly enough, reminds me of the bit from rocketman where elton comes out to his mom.

clip from rocketman (2019)

and he's mumbling. he's mumbling! this truth is still cloudy, not full realised, still being pushed away. whitman wants the truth, todd wants the truth, but he's still not ready, everything's still uncertain. this uncertain truth could also pertain to todd's feelings toward neil specifically, but i dont think that was the intention. todd does exist as his own person!

this ones simple again. you can fight off your feelings and sexuality all you want but it still wont really lead you anywhere you wanna be. you either end up marrying someone you dont love (women), or you end up alone. also the heavy emphasis on physical violence toward the Truth Blanket could be a metaphor for the physical danger todd would be in if anyone found out, but im not hellbent on that idea.

god. "from the moment we enter crying, to the moment we leave dying," is a BEAUTIFUL way to convey "your entire life" todd you have such a way with words. anyway. i take this as something like. this is something you're born with and cant change, todd was born gay, obviously, and it will never go away with any amount of effort. hence the wailing, crying, and screaming.

also i view the specific line of "it will just cover your face" in a couple different ways. either to mean this truth will suffocate you no matter what you do, or this truth will leave you needing to hide major parts of yourself from the world.

this got a bit repetitive, i apologise. but i still have more to say.

some parts of this poem i find to be a bit too wordy to have been come up with on the spot. do i think todd is talented enough to do so? absolutely! but i just dont think that's the case. i have no doubt in my mind that a LOT of what he said in front of the class was either already on his mind, or was written down beforehand but eventually scrapped.

specifics i have in mind are the concepts of a sweaty toothed madman and a blanket that leaves your feet cold. i dont think this sweaty toothed madman was written specifically with whitman in mind, i think it was just a vessel for his anxiety generally. but the blanket i just KNOW was thought out and written down with the intention to like. be a metaphor for being unsatisfied.

and that only makes the class laughing at that line that much worse, no wonder he wanted to stop! not only was todd incredibly brave for continuing after, but keating was unimaginably quick to get the focus back to the poem. he knew that metaphor meant something to todd, and choosing to expand on that was actually an amazing way to drive that home.

either way, todd's far more brave than i ever could be. i'd be shitting myself up there.

also if u disagree with any of these points are wanna add anything then TELL MEEEE!!! art is anything but subjective and i looove seeing how you guys view things like this.

#desire mona #once again. i am todd anderson #and keating #what a nightmare kin combo actually #dead poets society #media #todd anderson #anderperry #banger

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krizaland · 5 months

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Found Once Again Chapter 6

LMK Wukong x Bao Li

First Previous

“In the meantime, you can help deliver some of these orders.” Pigsy called out from the kitchen.

“Sure thing, Pigsy.” MK sighed as he went to put on his delivery uniform.

Meanwhile, Bao Li was having the time of her life shopping with Mei.

Never had Bao Li seen so much clothing in one place!

She was in awe of all the new textures and fabrics!

Mei immediately begun collecting as many outfits as she could carry and led Bao Li to the dressing room.

Bao Li tried on each outfit but none seemed to be just right.

One outfit was too flashy.

Another was too tight.

Another one was super itchy.

And another one just looked plain wrong.

It wasn't until the final outfit did Mei and Bao Li find the perfect outfit:

A frilly pale pink dress with sheer sleeves and covered in just the right amount of bows.

“OMG! You look so cute!” Mei squealed as she pressed her hands on her cheeks.

Bao Li twirled as she admired her new look in the mirror.

“This is simply wonderful! Thank you so much, Mei!”

“No problem! Now let's fix that hair.”

And with that, Mei took Bao Li to get her hair changed into a more modern style.

Little did the girls know, that along with the strange butterfly, a pair of glowing purple eyes were also following them from the shadows.

After the makeover, Mei decided to take Bao Li to The Antigravity Arcade.

“Trust me! You are gonna loooove this place!” Mei chirped as she took Bao Li’s hand and led her inside.

The moment Bao Li set foot inside, her ears were assaulted with the loudest music she’d ever heard and her eyes nearly went blind from the bright lights.

Bao Li let out a yelp as she instinctively squinted her eyes.

She also wanted to cover her ears but Mei had a firm grip on her hand.

Mei didn’t seem to hear Bao Li’s yelp and kept on going.

“C’mon! Let’s play this game first!” Mei chirped as she led her to a brightly lit arcade game.

Mei immediately begun popping in tokens and pressing buttons, each making a louder noise than the last.

With her hand finally free, Bao Li covered her ears.

“Does it have to be so loud in here?!” She wailed.

“What was that?! Speak up!” Mei said as she kept playing.

“I said-”

FWIP!

In an instant, all the room’s gravity had been shut off, sending everyone up into the air.

“Wooo! This is the best part! No gravity!!” Mei sang as she floated about.

Bao Li let out a scream as she frantically held down the skirt of her dress.

“GET ME DOWN! GET ME DOWN! GET ME DOWN!”

Bao Li frantically flailed about, desperately trying to get back on the ground.

Soon after what felt like an hour, Bao Li managed to make her way to the exit.

THWUMP!

Bao Li’s face kissed the ground as she stumbled outside.

She peeled herself off the ground and sat against a trash can.

Bao Li burst into tears and begun to hyperventilate.

She hugged her knees and curled into herself.

After a few moments of crying, the butterfly fluttered around her head.

Bao Li poked her head up and watched the butterfly land before her.

POOF!

In a flash, the butterfly revealed its true form.

“W-Wukong?! What are you doing here?!” Bao Li spluttered out.

“Sorry for scaring you, Bao Li. I just wanted to make sure you were ok after you ran off earlier.” Wukong confessed as he rubbed the back of his head.

Bao Li shot him a disgusted glare.

“You were following me?!”

“Yeah but like I said, it was to check on you! I wasn’t trying to be be a creep or anything!” Wukong insisted as he waved his hands in front of his face.

“Seriously?! I can’t believe you! What part of ‘I need space’ wasn’t clear to you?!” Bao Li snapped as she folded her arms.

“I know you need space but I didn’t want you getting hurt by running off by yourself! It’s dangerous out here and-” -Wukong trailed off and hung his head.

“And what?!”

“I don’t want to lose you again ok?!” Wukong blurted out.

Bao Li felt her heart flutter in her chest.

“What?”

“You heard me! Look, you can hate me all you want but that’s not gonna stop me from protecting you! I would never be able to live with myself if anything happened to you again.” Wukong sighed as he turned his head away, hiding a faint blush.

“Wukong, I don’t hate you.”

Bao Li’s words nearly made Wukong’s eyes pop out of his head.

“You…You don’t hate me? But you said-”

“I said I needed space. I never said I hated you. I honestly couldn’t hate you even if I tried.” Bao Li confessed as she rubbed her arm.

Wukong opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by a familiar voice.

“Hey! Bao Li! Are you out here?!”

“Oh dear! That's Mei. I better go and apologize for running off-”-Bao Li got up and took one last look at Wukong- “-Goodbye, Wukong. I hope our paths cross again soon.”

Bao Li was about to walk away when Wukong called out,

“Wait! Before you go-”

Bao Li turned back to look at him.

“Do me a favor and take this-” -Wukong handed Bao Li a small golden, monkey-shaped charm- “-If you ever feel like seeing me again or something then just squeeze this charm, ok?”

Bao Li gently inspected the charm and nodded.

“I'll keep that in mind. Thank you, Wukong.”

And with that, Bao Li went back to find Mei.

Wukong let out a heartbroken sigh as he summoned his cloud and flew back to Flower Fruit Mountain.

Little did the two monkeys know, that the glowing purple eyes watched the entire thing go down.

“Looks like I need to step things up a bit.” Chuckled a sinister yet smooth voice.

———————————————————————

Like what you’ve read? Buy me a Ko-fi!

#lego monkie kid #lmk x oc #lmk wukong

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metalbuckaroo · 3 years

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Hiiiii!!!!! Can I request a one shot where Bucky wakes up from a nightmare of him killing his wife (he’s walking over bodies of people he killed and then zemo snaps him out of the winter soldier and when he sees the bodies he starts tearing up but when he sees Y/N, his wife, as part of the bodies, he rushes to her and starts to pat her face and tell her to wake up and then he starts to cry and scream his heart out. Then when he wakes up startled cz he’s never had a nightmare like that, she asks him if everything is okay and he says yes then later that day he becomes distant and angst and fluffy happy ending plzzz

Can they also have a little boy named Steve and is 3 years old but smarter than most 3 year olds cz of the supersoldier serum he inherited from both parents (Reader is Steve Rogers younger sister and she also became a supersoldier with him)

Family

Summary: the ask seems like a pretty good summary honestly

Warnings: mentions of death, blood, trauma, nightmares, angsty asf, mention of pregnancy, fluffy, lots of emotions

AU: Bucky x Rogers!Reader

AN: I looooved this request so much, I really hope I did the beautiful idea the justice it deserves ❤ the bold and italic is the nightmare, I did indeed cry a little while writing this. Its a bit sad.

Requests are always open!

MASTERLIST

(@commoninterest made the mood board)

Bucky should've been use to the nightmares by now, even though he didn't have as many, he should've been able to pull himself out of them easily like how you showed him; check for clocks, count your fingers, etc. But, this one felt so real, so different.

There was so much blood and carnage, lifeless bodies scattered a small field that he was walking through as a voice echoed in his ears; command words that he hadn't heard in so long.

He looked around at the familiar faces of the corpses, tears stinging his eyes from the memories of each of them.

"No-" his voice was strained, the lump in his throat nearly blocking the sound as he rushed to the one body that nearly tore him apart, his blood running cold.

He stumbled and tripped over bodies, repeating himself over and over. "No, no, no-" He skidded to his knees, grabbing your hand to feel for any pulse as he shoved one of the other corpses off of your legs and pulled you onto his thighs.

"Please, no." He whimpered, holding your cheeks as tears streaked his blood and dirt caked face, dropping onto yours.

Bucky's attention turned to Zemo who stood in the midst of everything, completely clean. "What did you do?!" He boomed, chest heaving with the heavy sobs. "What did you do. Soldat."

He looked back down to your face, gently shaking your head and stroking his thumb over your cheekbone. "C'mon, wake up." He sobbed, vision blurry from the uncontrollable tears rolling out.

"Please, baby! Please, wake up! Don't leave me! You said you wouldn't leave me!" Bucky croaked, a blubbering mess as he cradled your limp body in his arms and held you close to his chest.

An explosive, guttural wail ripped from his chest as he clutched onto you, his whole body shaking from the screams and weeps that tore through his throat. His pained cries and shrills loud echoing off of the trees.

He took a shaky breath and moved his hand to your stomach, shuddering before squeezing his eyes shut and repeating the same phrase like you'd told him. "It's not real, it's not real, it's not-"

Bucky jerked awake, room still dark as his hand grasped at the empty spot next to him that made panic surge through his body. "Sugar?" He called, sitting up in the bed to look around the empty room. "Sweets, where you at?" His chest started heaving when all he got was silence.

It couldn't have been real. There was no way it was real, he just saw and touched your face last night. You were right beside him, tucked into his side when he went to sleep and your spot was still warm.

The bedroom door cracked open and some relief washed over him, your form slipping into the room. "I had to pee, are you okay?" Your soothing voice said, delicate hands reaching out to cup his cheeks. "Y-yeah. I'm fine, just a bad dream, I guess. I don't remember." He lied, gently holding onto your wrists.

"Steven is gonna be up soon, lets start some breakfast. I'll make you some coffee. Okay, stud?" He nodded at your offer and swung his legs off of the bed, walking with you downstairs.

Bucky helped cook breakfast before going to his son's room, the three year old boy that was his fathers portrait; dark hair and sparkling blue eyes, a smile to match and smart as a whip thanks to the super soldier serum that coursed through his veins from you both.

"Mommy made breakfast, bud. Let's go eat." Bucky smiled, lifting the boy into his left arm before heading back downstairs. "Are you okay, daddy? You look sad." Steve frowned, holding Bucky's cheeks in his small hands. "Sad? How can I be sad when I got you and your mom?" He smiled. "Mommy gets sad sometimes."

"Well, she is growing a baby, she's allowed to get sad. It's a hard job to do."

Bucky tried to go along with his day like normal, it was only a night terror after all; it wasn't going to actually happen.

But, everytime he'd look down at the small bump of his second child growing in your belly that barely stretched the fabric of your tank top, it made his heart pound and head feel light; like he was going to pass out and throw up all at the same time.

So, after breakfast he placed a short, sweet kiss to your lips and hid away in his office for the rest of the day; the spare room with boxes in it that would be a nursery soon enough.

You didn't think anything of it at first, he hadn't been home from a mission for very long and probably had paperwork to fill out or go over. Steven had asked a couple times if his dad was going to play today and you assured him that Bucky would tomorrow.

It wasn't until bedtime when you were tucking your sleepy son into bed that you knew something was up; Bucky never missed bedtime unless he was gone for work.

"I think daddy's sad." Steven frowned, clutching the teddy bear Bucky had brought home from wakanda right before he was born; a gift from Shuri. "He's just working, honey. I'm sure he'll spend the whole day with you tomorrow to make up for it." You smiled, tucking his blanket under his legs.

"Is he thinking about Uncle Steve again?" Your sons soft sleepy voice made your heart swell, smoothing a hand over his dark hair. "He might just be, baby. But, don't you worry about that. Get some rest, we'll go to the park tomorrow."

A gentle kiss to his forehead and a click on of his nightlight, you headed to Bucky's office down the hallway.

"You okay in here?" Your eyes looked at the untouched dinner plate before Bucky who sat with his face in his hands at the desk chair. "Buck, baby. What's wrong?"

The gentle touch of your hand on the back of his neck pulled Bucky out of his miserable thoughts and back to you, his strong arms wrapping around you and cheek pressing to your stomach. "Just wanna hold you." He sniffed, a slight shake to his voice as he left a kiss to the bump of your belly.

You let him pull you onto his lap, his arms snaking around you again and head leaning against your chest so he could hear the thump of your heart. "Whats going on in that brain of yours, stud?" You asked quietly, twisting a a lock of his shorter hair around your index finger.

"I promised Steve I'd protect you and I feel like I'm doing a terrible job..." His voice was more raspy from crying most of the day away. "Terrible job?" You leaned to look at him directly, his arms tightening around your waist slightly as though he didn't want you to move away.

His red eyes and puffy cheeks broke your heart. "Bucky, look around you. What do you see?" He glanced around the room, eyes taking in every smiling photo and box that was filled with baby supplies for the upcoming addition that was months away.

"Our home..." He mumbled, relaxing into the soft circles your fingertips traced into the skin of his forearm. "Exactly, our home. Where we're gonna be raising our babies." You soothed, your voice like honey to Bucky's ears.

He shook his head, the lines between his eyebrows deepening. "You could still get hurt. All three of you. Something or someone could try to hurt you."

You pressed a kiss between his brows, feeling the tension soften a little. "I can take care of myself, but that's why I have you. Among other reasons." Bucky frowned again, shaking his head. He still couldn't get the image from the dream out of his head. "I could hurt you."

Massaging his bicep, you placed another kiss to his face. "You won't, never would."

"But, I could."

Your stern look made his features soften completely, knowing you were going to scold him for thinking such things about himself as you held his cheeks in your hands. "James Buchanan, I went 70 years without you. It's not going to happen again, okay? You're home and you're safe, with your family."

He nodded and your hands slipped back down to his shoulders. "My family." A smile tugged at his lips, he wouldn't never get tired of saying and hearing that he had a family. A growing family at that.

Another kiss was placed to the top of his head, his hand rubbing the swell of your belly; still small but big enough to tell you were pregnant and growing every day.

"My big, strong soldier is a complete softy." You said breathing a laugh. "You're stronger than me anyways, I can never do this." He smiled, feeling a soft ripple from the moving life under his hand.

Bucky was always in complete awe of you when your belly was round from carrying the babies he helped create, going every day as if it was the easiest thing to do; just touching and looking at the small bump washed the intrusive thoughts away and brought happier ones.

"I'd do everything all over again just so I can have this life with you, Bucky." Your hand sat on top of his and he looked up at you. "How's baby boy number two doing?" He grinned.

You rolled your eyes and shook your head. "I already told you, Buck. I think this one is a girl." You laughed. He shrugged lightly and looked back to your hands. "How many more we gonna have?"

"Maybe two." His eyes snapped back up to yours with furrowed eyebrows. "Two? That's it? I was thinking maybe five more." You breathed a laugh at his number and shook your head. "Oh, definitely not."

"Come on, you wouldn't like to have seven little Barnes' running around?" He joked, smile wide on his face and all terrible memories pushed away, back into the deepest corner of his mind. "We do that we'll have to get a bigger house and a school bus."

"I can make that happen."

#bucky barnes #bucky fanfic #bucky fic #bucky x reader #bucky imagine #bucky #bucky angst #bucky fluff #bucky barnes self insert #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes fluff #rogers!reader #bucky x rogers!reader

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liliesoftherain · 4 years

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At What Cost?

A/N: I have a bunch of requests to work on-which I am-but I saw a video a while back about a theory saying Bakugou is the second user of AFO and well, this happened! And if you don’t know by now, I’m in LOOOOVE with Ratsuki so I had to make this. Enjoy!

Genre: Angst, sorry not sorry

Pairing: Katsuki Bakugou x Reader

Prompt: I kinda used the 57.”I can’t stand the thought of losing you.” Even though it wasn’t planned.

“I’ll do it. Whatever it takes.”

Your heart was thumping wildly in your chest, air leaving your body as you heard the words you so desperately wished you didn’t.

The words you knew needed to be spoken despite the pain you felt.

You could only stare at the man you love as he gazed out on the small crowd of your friends, heroes. This life was a dangerous one, that you have always known. You were ready to risk it all for the lives of the innocent and the heroes alike. You didn’t expect to fall in love with one, especially someone who you were now being told you would never see again.

“Hang on, how can we be so sure? How can we know that this is the right answer!? It doesn’t make sense!” Kirishima tried to reason, a few others agreeing with him.

“Why would Shigaraki be looking for Bakugou if it wasn’t true?”

“Because he’s got his information mixed up? It wouldn’t be the first time.”

“There’s not any evidence that suggests this can be remotely true-”

“I’ve seen him,” Deku spoke up, his face crestfallen at the notion of it all,”I’ve seen Kaachan in line with every other successor. I couldn’t picture him clearly before, but after all of this, I can. There’s no doubt about it, Katsuki Bakugou is the second holder of One for All.”

A silence fell over the group, causing the ringing in your ears to grow louder.

“There’s got to be another way-”

“No, there’s not.”

Kirishima began to tug on his hair, cursing as he walked back and forth in front of the table everyone was sitting at. Midoriya’s frown deepened as he glared at his clenched hands as he listened to Kirishima’s scene. Eri sat next to Deku, looking worriedly up at the hero was to be the main piece to win this war, the one who’d save you all.

Too bad it would cost him his life as he knew it.

“I guess.. If everyone is in agreement, we need to get a hold of that quirk enhancement drug, immediately.” Shoto sighed bitterly, leaving the room once no one made any objections to stop him.

A few others followed him out, till the crowd dimmed out to five.

“Are you sure this is the only way?” Kirishima’s voice held despair, and you had to shut your eyes to not cry.

You were a hero, heroes made sacrifices.

You could not cry.

“I’m sorry.”

Eijirou stormed out in a rage, slamming the door behind him. Your eyes opened at the sound, just in time to see Eri flinch. You place a hand atop of hers, trying your best to stay strong, but you gave a wistful smile instead. Even though she had grown into a wonderful young lady who could use her quirk, you knew she still worried about the repercussions of it. She gave you a sad twitch of her lips back before excusing herself, pushing away from the table and leaving the room.

You three were left in a tense silence, and you weren’t going to be the one to break it. You needed to compose yourself before speaking, otherwise there was a high chance the floodgates behind your eyes would burst and all hell would break loose from there. Looking up, your eyes caught green and the anger slowly started to bubble up and come forth.

You knew this wasn’t Deku’s fault, but you couldn’t help the feeling. Was it wrong to hope that this hero, one you have trusted for many years, was mistaken? How was he so sure that it was Katsuki he saw?

How would traveling back to the past, letting him leave behind all of his family and friends, be the answer they were looking for.

“(y/n)-”

You raised a hand to silence him, having heard enough. You stood form your own seated position, hands limp at your side as you just stared blankly ahead. You didn’t want his apology, and he must’ve been hurting just as much as you were. This was his childhood friend after all, growing a stronger bond than you could ever hope to share with the man of your dreams.

You gazed longingly, hoping he would look up and meet your eyes so could commit their color and passion to memory. There was no one who could hold a candle to the greatness of Bakugou, and the fine hero he has become.

The hero you would have to say goodbye to forever.

Your anger melted as the pain took root, growing as tormenting vines which were squeezing your heart till it was to burst in your chest. It was agonizingly painful, and you raised a hand to clutch at your chess in hopes to lessen the pain.

A futile attempt overall.

“I can’t watch you do this Katsuki.. I can’t watch you give your life away.” Your voice cracked, and while you were hurting before, it was nothing compared to now.

Talking about it meant it was real, and you didn’t want it to be.

Bakugou finally glanced at you, his emotions unreadable while did so. The staring contest had the air surrounding it growing thick, the intensity almost too much to handle. Yet you weren’t going to back down, not when his life was on the line.

You were a hero, you were meant to save lives.

You needed to save his.

“Then don’t. Don’t watch me. But I have to do this, you know I do.”

His voice was small but nowhere near frail. He held resolve, one you were hoping to shake.

“Katsuki-”

“(y/n). I have to do this, if not, we’ll all die. Don’t you understand?”

“Of course I understand,” You held your face in your hand and let out a wavering sigh, “I understand, but your life is just as important as anyone else’s-”

“This is my choice. Whether I can come back or not, it doesn’t matter. What matters is-”

“What do you mean it doesn’t matter!?” You yelled, the dam breaking as it trailed down your cheeks.

You volume rose as you knocked your chair back, startling both men.

“You fucking matter, Katsuki! This is a suicide mission and you know it, you act like there may be a chance to bring you back, and everyone knows Goddamn well that there isn’t-”

“You fucking think I don’t know that!” He shouted back, silencing you as you shake in your spot from the ever growing anger.

“Obviously not if you’re still willing to throw your life away! We can find another way, we’ve always been able to find another way, we’ve always been able to come out on top!” You were sobbing and screaming at this point, not caring enough to hide it.

“What if we don’t, huh. You say this like you have an idea yourself. There’s no way we stand a chance against this fucker now that he has One for All. He will be fucking indestructible-”

“No one is indestructible-”

“Oh my God, well that fucker is! that would be a suicide mission either way. And if I can save more lives in turn of my own, I’ll do it. Over and over again.”

You wailed out in frustration, your quirk activating as you smashed the table into millions of broken pieces. Izuku had his own tears streaming down his face as he watched you storm across the remains and grab Katsuki by the front of his costume.

“Deku still has it too!,” You smacked said man’s hands away as he tried to ease you away from the grip you had on Katsuki, “No! There’s no reason to do this, we have to try-”

“I WON’T WATCH YOU DIE. I’D GIVE MY OWN LIFE FOR YOURS, OKAY!? I’LL FUCKING LEAVE EVERYONE BEHIND, EVEN THE ONE I LOVE, AS LONG AS THAT MEANS YOUR SAFE.” He screamed in your face, grabbing your upper arms in a tight and painful hold.

Your sobs and his heavy breathing echoed in the room, his eyes being the only thing you could focus on.

You were a hero.

But if you were a hero, why were you being so selfish?

“I can’t stand the thought of losing you.” Your broken voice whispered out as you buried your face into his chest. His broken sigh filled your ears as he pulled your closer, letting his arms drape around you.

“I know.”

Katsuki looked up, having a brief conversation through the eyes with the other member of the room before he held one arm up.

You felt a weight to your left and glanced to see Deku had joined in, wrapping his arms around the both of you as he cried the hardest. A kiss to your head had you suck in a breath, meeting red once more as love and regret filled them.

You were a hero,

But at what cost?

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tanookikiss · 4 years

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for the prompt thing, acexpeter and 19 :)

I hope you like it! :)

Hole In the Wall

Peter sat on the floor with his back against the wall, gazing bleary eyed at his half empty bottle of Vodka. He was quite strung out from the lines he snorted moments ago.Technicolor shapes warped and danced across his line of vision.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Peter could hear Ace destroy his hotel room next door. It sounded like he trying to break their neighboring wall down with a jackhammer. Under normal circumstances, Peter would be happily joining his friend in the demolition party but right now he had other things on his mind.

“I don’t love Lydia anymore,” Peter whispered sadly, taking another swig from his bottle. He welcomed the pain in his throat with a satisfying “Ah” noise.

VROOM! VROOM! VROOM! VROOM!

Ace must be using the chainsaw now.

Peter sighed, thinking back to his phone call earlier. Lydia had been crying and screaming at him, accusing him of cheating! It wasn’t cheating if it was just sex, right? He didn’t love those groupies. They were merely there for his entertainment. He was a Rockstar after all! It’s not his fault he was blessed with a well-endowed member. Hell, it would be a sin to not use such a divine gift. What was the harm? Surely, Lydia was just overreacting, like always.

“George Peter John Criscuola, I know there’s another woman in your life! You’re in love with another woman, just admit it!” She had shrieked at him.

CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!

Was Ace using a crowbar now?

“I’m not in love with another woman!” Peter had shouted back into the receiver.

He was in love with another man.

The very thought terrified Peter. He had developed feelings for his best friend. Ace was everything that Lydia was not. He was charming, adventurous and hilarious! Ace radiated an energy that was just…so out of this world.

Peter blushed, remembering the first time they kissed.

Ace and Peter were both drunk off their asses at an after party a few nights ago. They were in a closet getting busy with an equally drunken chick. Sharing partners was not outrageous for them. However, as soon as the girl passed out, the two directed their lust towards each other.

THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD!

Now what in the hell was he doing!?

Peter continued to ignore the violent tremors coming from the wall behind him. Instead he touched his lips while thinking about Ace.

The kiss was sloppy but still very sweet. Ace had wrapped his arms around Peter, pulling him into a protective hug. Peter felt…safe. Throughout his entire life living in Brooklyn, Peter had no concept of the word “safe.” You had to fight like hell to survive. The Catman knew this first hand after his many encounters with death.

But there was something about that night. Ace’s touch had sent an electrical surge through his veins. No street drug ever gave him that kind of rush before! It was a feeling…so addicting. Peter craved that sweet burning heat much like he craved a cocaine fix. He needed it BAD!

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

Peter could feel Ace ramming something heavy against the wall. The drummer still sat against the wall completely undeterred from Ace’s chaotic tomfoolery next door.

Peter couldn’t stop thinking about Ace. Lydia was nothing in comparison to Ace! She didn’t have eyes like the stars! She didn’t make him feel any safer in this cruel, cruel world! And there was never an electrical spark between them when they made love!

Peter couldn’t hold in anymore. His dam of emotions was threatening to break free at any moment!

CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSH!

A powerful blast of drywall and debris burst through the wall, narrowly missing contact with Peter’s head. Peter was still a bit dizzy from the booze and drugs to be able to register what had just happened.

“PETER!!!!!” cried out a familiar voice.

Peter turned his head to see Ace staring back at him through a medium sized hole in the wall.

“Ace!” Peter said in surprise, staring back into the beautiful eyes of his beloved spaceman.

“I needed tah see yaaaa…I gotta….tell ya sum…thing….impoooort...tant,” Ace slurred, reaching his hand through the hole, clumsily trying to find Peter’s hand.

Peter grabbed a hold of Ace’s hand firmly. “What is it?”

“I’m in loooove with ya, Cat!”

“Ace! I think I’m in love with you, and that scares the crap out of me!” Peter wailed, interlacing his fingers with Ace’s fingers.

“What the fuck have you done!?” shrieked Big John as he came running into Ace’s room, pulling the drunken spaceman from the hole, looking horrified at the blazed Peter Criss staring back at him on the other side.

“I needed tah see ‘im! I miss ‘im!” Ace whined, looking up into Big John’s eyes with a bloodshot pleading look.

“Why didn’t you just go next door to see him?” the pissed off bodyguard raged.

“Beeecause I looooooove ‘im!”

“I love you too, Ace!” Peter cried, trying to reach his hand through to the other side.

“That’s enough! Get to bed both of you! The hotel manager is on his way up here!” Big John freaked, using the TV to cover as much of Ace’s damage as possible.

Within a few minutes, a loud knock was heard at Ace’s door.

“What’s going on in here!? My phone has been ringing off the hook all night with complaints of loud noises and heavy machinery use coming from this room! You better not be destroying hotel property or I’m calling the cops!”

Peter listened as Big John answered the door, apologizing for the inconvenience, assuring the manager that Ace had been asleep this entire time. It was the same well-rehearsed script that the poor bodyguard had to recite at EVERY hotel they stayed at on tour. He was quite skilled at covering for Ace and Peter’s bullshit.

Peter listened to the conversation with his ear against the wall. The hotel manager was not convinced and wanted to see for himself! Once Big John did let him in, he clearly saw Ace looked to be fast asleep in bed. Big John did a hell of a job hiding the hole, because the hotel manager didn’t seem to notice.

“If he was asleep then where did all of those noises come from!?”

With a heavy sigh, Big John escorted a still skeptical hotel manager out of Ace’s room and down the hallway.

“I better not get any more complaints tonight!” he could hear the hotel manager’s voice down the hall.

Once the coast was clear, Ace jumped out of bed and threw the TV across the room, revealing his newly demolished hole into Peter’s room.

“Hiya Cat!” Ace cackled, waving like a buffoon to Peter on the other side.

“Hiya Acey!” Peter giggled, waving back at him.

“I love you!

“I love you too!”

#KISS fanfiction #KISS band fanfiction #Peter x Ace #Ace came in like a wrecking ball!#tanookiroxx

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eeveexbb · 5 years

Text

Location: Evie & Calum’s apartment, Room 312 Date: Tuesday, June 16th Time: Late night, early morning

Calum: Calum was exhausted as he momentarily tried to pull his key out of his back pocket. He was struggling with it for a moment before realizing where the fuck he was trying to go and instead tried to push the door open, fully expecting it to be unlocked. It was always unlocked. But this time it wasn't. A confused look crossing his face as he once again began to struggle with the key. When he finally got it free he stuck it in the door, letting himself in. The room around him, somehow changed in a way that his brain could barely wrap around it. Their table lamp, trashed in the corner. Shit thrown about everywhere, chairs knocked over. It looked like a fuckin storm had rushed through their home. "Ev's you home?" He called out as he took a step forward and moved to put his shit down in his room.

Evie: "yeah." she said in a faint voice. sitting cross legged in the hallway, a picture frame shattered on the floor, which it was clear to see the evidence of lines being taken off of it. she was hugging her sore legs, blood on her legs that had dripped from her mouth and nose.

Calum: Calum paused in the doorway of his room when he heard Evie's voice. Pausing as he noted that his own room had been ransacked as he turned towards Evie's who was sat on the floor. "Jesus Christ Eve's!" He said as he dropped his shit and immediately ran to his roommates side. His was as careful as could be when he took her face in his hands, examining the damage. Dried blood flaking off onto his hand as he looked over the rest of her. "I'm calling the police." He said as he reached in his pocket once again fumbling for his phone. He really needed to stop wearing pants with such large pockets.

Evie: she sat with her eyes glued to the mess on the floor in front of her feet, when the word police broke her trance. "No! No! You're not!" Her hands grabbing at his wrist, forcing his hand out of his pocket, "No police, Calum! Look at me! Promise me, no police! Or i'm out of here!" her voice breaking, now sitting up on her knees, her drained eyes begging him, filled with nothing but fear, "Fucking promise me!" she screamed before a whimper left her dried, bloody lips.

Calum: Calum froze when she yelled at him about the police, his hand freezing in his pocket as he looked at her. He could see the bruising starting to swell despite the dried blood on her lips. Recent but enough time that whoever had done it was clearly gone now. "I wont if you tell me what the fuck happened?" He said as he let himself fall on his ass and look her over. "Evie you know normally I don't try to pry on your shit, but if that has anything to do with all the shit that's been going on lately I'm gonna need you to tell me now, because whomstv ever came in here fucked up the only lamp we had in the living room. Now it's gonna be dark as shit in there.”

Evie: "Give me your phone." she stood up now, stomach aching from both the stress and the hits she had taken. her eyes nearly full circles, pupils dilated so large that barely any brown was detectable. "Give me your fucking phone. Give me it! and lock the door. Now. Now!" a hand resting on her back, another shaky hand reaching out, anxiously wailing for him to hand it over before she talked. "The fucking light is the least of our fucking problems, buddy-bear! Check for your PS4! Baby, it's gone! Long gone!" She laughed so hard, spit flew. Her laughter cutting off, "Move! Phone! Doo!”

Calum: Calum was used to freak outs. That went without saying, but freak outs like this from Evie were new to him. He pushed himself up and didn't bother pulling his phone out as he moved to their front door, opening it to take the spare key inside, before shutting it again and locking it tight. "I'm not giving you my phone but you're just going to need to trust that I'm not calling the cops already." He said still trying to wrap his brain around everything she was saying. He gave her the 'wait just a minute finger' as he disappeared into his room, let himself have a moment of silent for his lost games, that he was sure he'd cry about later and re-emerged from the room. "Evie I'm gonna need you to chill the fuck out! Your freaking out isn't going to bring our shit back." He said as he b-lined for his roommate, keeping his hands visible so she could see what we was doing.

Evie: evie began pacing, her thumb nail pulling the loose skin on her lip, blood adding to the dried spots on her fingers from earlier. she turned to him, eyes growing wide again, "No! I need your phone! Give me your fucking phone!" she stepped to make sure she could at least see his back at all times, watching his hands. her eyes flickering to his face and then back to his limbs. watching his body language and movements. "I'm going to need you to give me your fuckin' phone if you want me to stay inside of this fuckin' apartment, Goodrich!" she stepping to him as he appeared again, her hands going to shove his shoulders, "Give me your fucking phone! Give-" she gasped and stepped back, shaky hands going to her mouth, it hit her like a fucking truck. How else would Ritchie know where she lived? When she was alone? "oh my fuck, you're recording this, aren't you? You're tapped! Bugged!" a manic laugh bursting through yet again before she slipped back into paranoia, "You! You fucking helped set this whole thing up, didn't you? Didn't you! You fuckin' sly hound dog! Piece of shit, fucking two-timing, rat! A fucking rat!"

Calum: Calum kept his hands up, steady, again not the first crazy daisy he'd dealt with, just the first time seeing a monster inside the skin of his best friend. He tried, so fucking hard to keep his cool until she started shoving him. "Evie will you fucking stop! I don't even know who the fuck Ritchie is! You haven't told me shit all about this situation. You've told fucking Monica, and Hollis but not a fucking word to the guy who lives 2 feet down the hall! And I wasn't gonna say shit because it's not my shit but now it's my shit so now it's time to start talking!" He demanded, stepping back in her face. "You're not getting my fucking phone until you calm the fuck back down Evie!" He shouted, grabbing a hold of her wrist and pushing her back against the wall of their apartment. "Calm the fuck down!" He said again as he held her forcefully against the drywall. "Come back to earth."

Evi: "Oh, so now they are fucking talking about me, huh?! They are fucking running their fucking big mouths to everyone, aren't they! It's my fucking business, Calum! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!" she was pounding her chest so hard she nearly knocked the wind out of herself, she was glaring up at him, eyes scanning his in a crazed manner, huffing and puffing so that she didn't cry. Her back being pushed into the wall, causing her to laugh up to the ceiling, her wrists being held down so that she was unable to do anything but grind her teeth at him through an aggressive smirk. she arched her back against the wall bringing herself closer to him, "Hey, does this bring back any fucking memories?! but last time you had me against a wall, you had a stiffy. You hard, baby?" she cocked her head, testing him.

Calum: "Talking about you? Evie you were at the fucking 'family meeting' just like I was! Everyone fucking knows about what happened at the party! It's not some big fucking secret! Will you fucking cut it out?!" He shouted again, keeping his grip tight even as she leaned into him. Fuck her for bringing up that night. His anger starting to bubble underneath the surface. Not even at her but at whoever the fuck the prick was that had triggered this entire thing in the first place. "Fuck you." He hissed as he took a step forward to push her back further against the wall. His body holding her there to keep her from arching her back further. "You know that wasn't just me and that has nothing to do with this!" He added, hating that he let her put the thought in his head. "I need you to calm the fuck down and talk to me like a normal fucking person! I know you're upset but we're not moving from this spot until you fucking breathe."

Evie: She could tell he was getting angry, it was in his eyes. she couldn't stop laughing now, feeling herself being clung more tightly to the wall. "Ow, Jesus, Cal!" She spoke in pain but through chuckles. "I need more coke. What the fuck do you think happened, Cal! Take a look around! We thought we didn't have shit before, well! Ta-da! Out-did myself! At least we still have a vacuum- wait. Do we own a vacuum? Fuck dude, let me fucking go! I've been roughed up enough, god, i'm so small! Be nice!"

Calum: "The last thing you need right now is fucking cocaine. Jesus christ, man fucking look at yourself!" Cal breathed out, a mix of hurt, fear, anger, disgust, and something else absolutely eating away at him. He loosened his grip when she made it clear that he was hurting her. He didn't want to do that. "This isn't your fucking fault Evie!" He shouted, as his eyes searched hers. He didn't trust this. This innocent I'm small shit. Not with the manic look and the laugh and the threats to go get fucked up as soon as he let go. "Yeah I can fucking see that. I want to know what the fuck it is we have to do to make that shit never happen again. So you ready to tell me what the fucks been going on?"

Evie: She was glaring back at him through her lashes, nose faintly crinkled as her switch flipped again, "no? not my fucking fault huh?" she giggled again, leaning her head back against the wall, "wanna know what else i like to blow, Calum? and no, this wont be a sex joke. Don't let your dick twitch. Money. i fucking loooove to blow money. Or i guess the right way to say it is to lose track of money." her eyes rolling up to the ceiling in thought of how to word it, "yeah. lose track." she pushed off the wall, trying to slip her wrists from his grip as she pushed off the wall, "i owe a guy money, Cal. A lot of money. Half a millie." she laughed, saying it, tears forming in her eyes just hearing the words. "Half a fuckin' millie. You got any more PS4's?" She now was nearly on her toes to speak to him, "and let's just say that Dick-Bitch-Ritch isn't a big fan of me for prancing around town and never paying him jack back. So you know why i'm always looking a lil rough, Calum? Huh? Why i'm picking fights all the time or sometimes i don't come home? hm? ever wonder that?" with how she was speaking to him, it was like it was his fault, "because ritchie and i have this little dance we do. he comes to collect, i run my mouth, he can't use his words so he pops me like a zit. pop!" she giggled again, "so- after Hollis' beautiful god-like ass stepped in, bless his fucking soul, Ritchie decided to come and personally collect. But, you see, how my funds are set up, i have no money. So-" she glanced around the room dramatically, "ta-da! we have. fucking. nothing!" her last word a scream, looking at Calum now out of breath, her eyes no longer enraged and wild. her chest heaving, her mind and body starting to panic, "I fucked up, Calum. I really fucked up."

Calum: Calum's face journey throughout her rant was a wild one. Quickly changing one from disapproval at the sex joke, to confusion, to rage, and then immediately back to empathy. So many thoughts racing through his head as she spoke. Surely he'd noticed shit like this. He'd noticed the bruising in the past, but chalked it up to the fights she seemed to have a habit of getting into with people at the parties they went to. He remembered a similar bruising of the night when they'd.... He had to close his eyes to shake the memory from his head. A memory that needed to stay locked away in the depths of his mind where it belonged. But they hadn't ever talked about it. They'd avoided it all together which in retrospect was not a good way for him to deal with anything. It didn't erase what happened. It just swept it under the a very metaphorical rug, since now like everything else, their apartment didn't have. His body felt frozen in place as she screamed at him and only came back to life when her chest started heaving. When instead of grabbing her wrists again, his arms flew around her body pulling her into her chest and holding her as tightly as he possibly could. His fingers finding the back of her head to pull her into his neck. Words felt lost to him. Telling her she didn't wouldn't help. Really telling her anything wouldn't immediately fix anything.

Evie: He was going to yell, and for a moment she closed her eyes, still in Ritchie mode, waiting for him to strike her. But instead, she smelt his body wash and the smell of his bed when hers was too dirty to nap in, and her hands went to dig into his shirt. and she sobbed. an ugly sob. a really fucking ugly sob. she nearly fell to the floor, screaming into his chest and neck. "Why did I fucking get myself into this! There is no way fuckin' out! What if you were here!? God, he fucking put his hands on Hollis! Monica!" she only pulled back to look at him, make-up smeared all over her face, eyes puffy from crying and the cocaine and Ritchie's hands, "You can't tell anyone! Calum, swear you wont tell anyone about this! I'm already a fuckin' mess to them!" God, she could just hear Monica and Jane right now. Eric would probably stop wanting to get stoned with someone crazy like her. and Hollis? He'd never have that questionable spark in his eye again. She didn't care about the money or if Ritchie never stopped, she just wanted to go back to a time that nobody knew. Nobody but Ritchie and Evie and the higher-ups that Ritchie owed money to.

Calum: Calum shook his head, pulling her back into his arms. He wasn't ready to let her go and at least there he knew she was safe. Because lord knows he wouldn't let a fucking soul touch her especially after what he'd just told her. "It stays between us." He said quietly, holding her for another moment longer before pulling back and taking her face in his hands. His thumb brushing against her bruised cheek eyes searching hers for answers he was certain he'd never find. Obviously if she had them she wouldn't be in this mess. He wasn't about to tell her that this only solidified his plan to find other methods of bringing in money. As well as apparently find a way to get a better security system for their apartment. "No one finds out anymore okay." He assured her, biting down slightly on his lip, heartbroken at the pain he was finding behind her gaze. "We're gonna find a way out of this okay. We're not gonna bring the others into it. As far as they're concerned its over you hear me?"

Evie: she nodded, eyes closed to hopefully stop the tears. a whimper leaving her quivering lips as her hands went to rest on his wrists, his hands holding her wet face. she couldn't say anything else, and she wasn't sure how'd she would come back from this. she wanted to scream again but part of her knew she was on the thin line between manic and sobbing mess. so she stood there, eyes closed, in their torn up apartment. she didn't know how they would get out of this mess, but she knew that he was the only person ensuring that she wasn't alone in this. "you gotta promise you don't get involved though. i don't want anyone else hurt." she could only get out a whisper, "i don't want him touching anymore of you. i'll take a bat to him if he does. i already want to kill him for monica and hollis-" she shook her head, wanting the imagine of holls' battered face, hands, and body. monica's black eye. and now calum's home. "I'm sorry."

Calum: Calum shook his head as his fingers wiped away at her tears. Finding each one like a slowed down game of fruit ninja. While he knew that none of what he was about to say was true, he'd say it if it's what she needed to hear to get back to a place of calm. "I promise Eve's." He said softly as he leaned in and pressed his forehead against hers. "He's not gonna lay a hand on any of us ever again alright. You included. You and I are gonna figure this out like we figure everything out okay?" He assured her as he leaned in and pressed his lips to her forehead, longer fingers moving to smooth down her wild hair. "I'm right here okay. And you're safe now. We both are. It's just stuff." He said softly as he pulled back to look at her again.

Evie: was it crazy that a small part of her had hoped for Hollis to react this way? It was a crazy thought, considering Hollis had actually gone to jail and taken a beating for her. And sure, she knew and had been through a lot more with Calum, all of the episodes she had held him through. "i'm so fuckin' scared, dude." she hated to still be crying, "you don't gotta be dragged in-" she forced herself to exhale as he kissed her forehead, a sign that he held no grudges or ill vibes towards her. she tried to match her breathing to his, feeling her hair being tamed with one of his large hands. "Ok. Just stuff." she repeated to help make it truer, she opened her eyes to look at him, giving him a sad smile that felt foreign on her own face, "what are we going to do? I think he took the toaster oven and the good towels." she laughed sadly, now trying to fix the smeared make-up she knew was probably all over her face. "and i'm sorry... for, you know, everything i said." she began to move towards the one cherished thing he didn't take, her coke box, trying to keep the mood light, "i'm beat. literally and physically. fuck, dude."

Calum: Calum shook his head as his lips moved to her cheeks. "I'm already in it. I've been in it since the first time someone laid hands on one of my favorite people in the world even if I didn't know it." He assured her. He shook his head as he saw her going for the coke box and carefully took her wrist in his hand, instead leading her to the couch so that he could sit down and pull her into his lap. While Calum didn't have a problem with drugs or any of their use, after the manic state he'd just saw her in coke really seemed to be the last thing she needed. "Don't apologize to me." He said as he moved her legs over his lap and held her tightly against his body, her face close to his as he brought her into the crook of his neck. "I'll see what I can borrow from my works break room. I feel like they have a lot of extra electronic shit and we always have the option of stealing from the laundry room. I'm sure people will wash towels eventually." He teased quietly as he used his free hand that wasn't holding her to gently tilt her chin so she'd look at him. "I bet but I'm just glad you're alive."

Evie: She grunted as she was led away from her box. But knew it was impossible to put up a fight at the moment. She let him take her into his lap, sighing loudly in protest and in finally having the comfort of knowing they were locked inside their place. And if Ritchie did come back, there was no getting in it worrying he would be running into Calum on the way up. And she was sure Jane wouldn’t let him touch Monica. “We’re going to have to use the whack off towel, aren’t we?” She closed her eyes and let her body relax, her breathing slowing and mind calming now when she wasn’t looking around at the mess. God, she hadn’t even seen her own room yet. She was led to look at him, smirking at him with thankfulness all over her face, “really? I was hoping this would be the one to take me out.” She teased again, “I’m glad you weren’t here. The dude is nuts, like, more than me. Times ten... Hundred.”

Calum: Calum chuckled at the mention of the whack off towel. Which there was no way in hell he was using. He'd dry off the old fashioned way, by throwing his clothes on over his soaking wet body or roll around on their carpet until he was dry. "We might, but only until I can get us some new ones okay?" He mused, pursing his lips as he felt her start to relax in his hold. Could feel her chest rising and falling against his as his eyes explored the bruises forming on her face. "Don't even joke like that. I literally can't afford to live here without you." He said straight faced before cracking a smile. He was glad she'd gotten back to a place where she felt comfortable enough with him to joke. "I can imagine. The dude got knocked out by Hollis and still had the balls to show up here. He's clearly got some sort of death wish." He mused as his fingers moved from her chin, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "I appreciate that you're trusting me enough with this. I know I didn't really give you a choice but you know. Thought that counts."

Evie: "yeah, we are poor. so fuckin' poor." she whined, closing her eyes to rest her head on his shoulder after he tucked away some of her curls. "if you tell anyone i let you take care of me, i'm suing." she moved her arms to wrap around his furtherest arm from her, she could never sleep on coke but for once, her body slowed down and her stomach stopped twisting. she let out a yawn, wiggling to get comfortable. "thought that counts. maybe if we think about a nice rug, it'll appear. or-" she yawned again, eyes watering although they were closed, "like.. a new playstation. and towels.. and a new blender, we've never had a blender.." she exhaled slowly from her nose, allowing herself to fall asleep in his lap.

#c: calum

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andhelovesme · 4 years

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Hi. My name is BabeeGirl, I got engaged to my best friend and favorite person last year after I got him out of an emotionally, financially and religiously abusive relationship. Our wedding was supposed to be in December of 2020, until it wasn’t.

We’ll call my ex “Dino”. So Dino loves to play sports, even when he’s hurt he’ll push though the pain and play. During the breakup (and now) he is trying to start his own company and app and this is how we ended.

It started with the last week of December, we had a very close friend come into town and stay with us. We love this friend to DEATH, he is an amazing roomie but a whiny and stressful guest. So, as much as we love him and are excited about him coming over he wigs us out. He was staying with us for a couple weeks (for Christmas and NY) so we were all pretty on eadge by the end of the first week.

As I mentioned before Dino LOOOOVES sports, especially soccer. Well one game he got hurt really bad and he almost lost his left eye, he never takes off from playing his games but I got him to take one week off to rest his eye. Playing sports is how he relieves his stress and the night before the breakup he was almost crippled because of how bad his eye was hurting him, even with the stuff he got from the VA Hospital in our town. (He was in the military for 4 years.) The following morning he said he was perfectly fine and I thought he was downplaying his pain so no one would worry about him, so I begged him to take another weekend off from his sports. Just as a precaution, I even “pulled rank” on him (an inside thing where he will listen and let me have my way if it’s important enough) and he ended up playing anyways. I was terrified and worried about him and this always happened with either his sports or his card games. I hated when he would do this to himself and I let him know I wasn’t happy with his choice and that I still love him.

Later that night our guest and I were trying to find a place for dinner because I hadn’t heard from Dino all night (he left the house at 3 and it was almost 10) and I get a call from him when our guest and I sit down. I go to answer it, please keep in mind I have suffered a lot of trauma in my life and I blow up easily and he’s been able to calm me down and always understands that I never mean it when I’m mad,. So, I let him know that I didn’t like the fact he was so risky that night but I was extremely glad he didn’t get hurt again. All I wanted was for him to rest some more and I explained that to him and he didn’t see what I was freaking out about and I said something I would never forget, “This always happens, no matter how much you hurt you always go out and over exert yourself and complain when you get hurt more-despite being warned. I know you love your sport, but right now it feels like al you care about it your sport or your stupid card games!”

I blew up and his end was silent. He hung up, I realized what I just said so I called him back and tried to apologize but he didn’t want to hear it this time. He told me he felt unwanted so he would stay at his mom’s house, I tried to beg him to come home and that I didn’t mean it and that I DO want him around but he didn’t believe me.

I was broken. I was grieving. I ran away from home that night because I didn’t want to know how it felt to be alone again, I tried driving out of state until my mom called me. Apparently she heard and begged me to come stay at her house for a while. My sister called me and begged the same thing. So, I turned around and headed back to my mom’s house and cried. I finally got in touch with him a day later and he wanted to meet in a nearby park, early in the morning. “I’m okay if he yells at me for how I talked to him.” he would never yell at me “I’m okay if he is mad at me” he wasn’t mad at me “I’m okay as long as he still wants me. I’m okay as long as he won’t leave me all alone”... i hurt him when i said those words. It’s a hurt that couldn’t be mended, something about it rehashed his traumas. Apologies didn’t help, he wouldn’t listen; I don’t blame him. He didn’t want to be mine anymore; I don’t blame him. I hurt him and I was bad, after all he did for me and I still blew up at him the way I did. I told him I didn’t mean it and that I was sorry; he didn’t want to hear it. He just wanted us to be over.

I was broken again. There’s an extra bedroom in our house, originally it was a guest room and he took that room. He and I didn’t like the feeling of sleeping without one another, he was fine and I’m happy he was fine. I got 20minutes to 2 hours of sleep every night because I felt burned. I wouldn’t fall asleep because I was crying too hard or I would fall asleep for a little bit then wake up screaming. I kept everyone else awake for a few days, he wanted to hold me and calm me down. My immediate thoughts were “I can’t let him hold me anymore, I’m not his anymore” I was crying so hard and so often I couldn’t even talk correctly. So all I could say was, as my roomie put it, a gut wrenching wailing scream of “NO!” I cried too hard to walk or feed myself and they almost took me to a psych hospital. Dino convinced my roomie and house guest to not do it. He knew that would just traumatize me further, instead he would constantly pick me up and hold me on the couch until I fell asleep and anytime I woke up screaming and crying he would come back and lay me down again.

More days passed by and I still wasn’t able to talk without screaming and crying. My roomie and guest left for a bit so Dino can try talking to me. He said just because we weren’t together anymore it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. I don’t know why but that hurt me so much, I blew up again. I didn’t want to, I was screaming, throwing things around our old room “If you love me why can’t I be yours? If I’m not yours then you can’t hold me, you can’t comfort me! I’m not yours anymore and you don’t need me so what the fuck does “it doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore” even mean?!” I was furious, I was sad and I felt betrayed. He’s never seen me like this before. I never wanted him to see me like that, but I couldn’t control it. It got to the point of me throwing our old queen sized bed when he raised his voice at me. All he did was say my name and it was enough to break me. I put the bed back down, sit on the ground and just cry. He and I talked it out for a while. He didn’t know how to phrase it before but he wanted me to think of it more like a break to better ourselves. I didn’t believe him, I told him that if he’s just saying this out of pity then I’ll just leave. Dino got on to me and told me he doesn’t do “that shit” and that he meant it.

It’s been 3 months since the breakup now. He and I still live together, he still tells me there’s a chance we can get back together. He still takes care of me and I still take care of him. Before any nasty reposts come in let me tell you what he and I have been through:

-Dino got me to dump my useless ex(a guy before Dino)

-Dino helped me when my ex started stalking me

-he helped me escape my toxic and domestic abuse filled family (mainly because of my dad and brother, my mom and sister are good)

-I got Dino out of a 5 year long abusive relationship (as stated above)

-When Dino and his ex broke up she made us homeless for 2 weeks and he already spend his paycheck on rent. So I pulled together, got extra shifts at my daycare and any night I could, I would book us a hotel room for a night so we didn’t sleep in our cars when it was icy outside.

-Dino helped me gain more confidence in myself

-Dino has held me whenever any of my nightmares were too much

-Dino takes care of me when I’m hurting and I still do the same for him.

He and I have been through so many things that by nature, even now since I have calmed down, we are still basically best friends.

Dino still holds me on bad nights, I still massage him when he’s sore or we listen to each other when we’re hurting. Whenever he gets too hot under all the blankets, I’ll still switch them out with a cooler blanket during the night. We still tell each other “I love you”.

We have a confusing relationship, but if this means I can still be by his side supporting him as his best friend- I’ll take it. Why? Because he still loves me and I still love him.

#i love my ex #its weird #but we’re comfortable

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