#Or even if you didn't get anything out of it. I don't know anyone else personally who has read this book

[yourmamakira]

"FIGHTING WORDS" Carl Grimes, she/her

Set in the Alexzandria Era after Carl lost his eye. His very protective girlfriend overheard the local kids talking about Carl behind his back. and needless to say, no one had anything to say about Carl ever again. [ANGST, to SLIGHT FLUFF]

Carl has been in a coma for weeks. His girlfriend had never left his side after the incident. Her depression had gotten so bad it took Daryal, Glenn and Rick to hold her down to force her to eat and drink water.

Her mood had deteriorated drastically, she was more angry, she was less active, she never smiled anymore and she didn't know who to blame for what happened to Carl. She knew it wasn't right to Blame others for the accident. but she had nearly lost the one thing keeping her going in this Hell that used to be a world, she had every right to be upset.

she sat in the armchair next to the bed Carl lay in peacefully, she slipped between sleep and alert wake. She didn't even let the nurse come into the room to check on Carl unless absolutely necessary, and when anyone else was in beside her and Carl, her hand stayed on her and Carl's Gun that slept in her holster.

her eyes shot open and her hand bolted to her gun as the door to their room swung open. In walked the one and only Daryl Dixon, and for once he was without his crossbow. he walked in with his usual gruff demeanor and closed the door behind him.

The girl took her hand off her guns and crossed her arms as she returned to watching the sleeping Carl.

Darryl came over and sat in the seat opposite of her. he crossed his arms before speaking.

"You need to go outside. He ain't wakin' up any sooner with you watchin' him like a hawk. He ain't goin' nowhere, and you don't have to go that far. Jus' needs to get outta this room."

You glared at him through your hooded eyes. but inevitably he was right. carl had been like this for weeks and every second you watched him it felt like your body was slipping farther into a black hole.

Daryal then spoke again, "You need to be in your best health for when he wakes up. you need ta' take care of em', not him take care of you. how you gon take care of him like this?"

he had you stumped with his words. he was right, how were you going to take care of Carl and you couldn't even take care of yourself?

you let out a sigh and began to get up, he followed suit but then stopped you by holding out his hand. you huffed while rolling your eyes and took your guns out of your holster. he didn't know about the knife in your boot thank goodness, but knowing him he probably did.

you passed him up with a glare while leaving the house and strolling out into the street you hadn't seen in weeks. There wasn't much to do here. Besides the few teens that roamed, but you mainly kept to yourself and Carl.

you never really talked much these days, nothing worth talking about. Many thought you were mute at first meeting you, but that narrative quickly went out the window whenever you got too upset. Memory's of all the times someone had pissed you off to bad and you cussing up a storm regardless the person.

you walked the streets passing by people and not saying a word. You came up to a small bench and decided to take a seat and just take in the fresh air, you had to admit, it did feel nice on your skin to feel the breeze and not that stuffy old room that felt more like a prison rather a room.

a few minutes had passed and you had begun to get up being done with your reminiscence before you spotted a group of teens headed your way.

You despised these inhabitants of Alexandria greatly, and their children were even more unbearable. You started past them before one of them decided to take it upon himself to cat-called you, despite you clearly being madly in love with Carl, these specific group just love to torment you.

"Hey, Miss Mute! How about I show you what a real man looks like in bed while your one eyed freak of a boyfriend's out!" He and his friends cackled like hyenas while shoving him around, as if what he said was the greatest thing in the world.

you slowly spun around and sneered, you decided to brush off his remark of the incident, knowing nothing good would come out of beating his ass, "Your tiny shrimp dick doesn't even come close to a real man. My one eyed freak of a boyfriend at that." he stopped laughing and his gooneys ooed like kindergarteners.

He tilted his head to the side as he stepped closer then he should have. "The fuck did you just say to me, bitch?" You stepped closer to him and you could feel his stank breath up your nose, it made you want to vomit on the spot. But you continued to talk your shit.

"I said, you have a big ass head, and a small as Dick. Your breath also smells like walker ass. need I say more?" Your head tilted to the side and your eyebrows furrowed.

his face contorted into one of anger, he scoffed then chuckled dryly as if he thought a funny thought in his fucked up head.

He raised his hand and tried to touch your hair, but you moved your face and roughly grabbed his arm putting it behind his back so he couldn't move. you then put pressure on his back as he cried out loudly in pain.

"you ever touch me again, and I will fucking kill you!"you yelled out aggressively. You were not in the mood to be fucked with.

He couldn't even respond with words as he just continued to cry like a baby for anyone that would dare to help him.

His friends all backed up out of fear of being next. They started yelling at you to let him go but you didn't listen and continued to nearly break his arm.

He yelled louder as your pressure increased. Your face hot with anger that he even dared to touch you after making a nasty comment about your boyfriend.

You then heard yells of a few adults calling you name but you still didn't let up.

Then out of no where two pairs of strong arms grabbed your arms and you thrashed in their hold.

The boy you had previously had in a hold jumped up to his feet and held his arm in pain, "you crazy bitch! That bullet should have Killed Your boyfriend!"

He yelled out and suddenly your thrashing stopped, you looked up at him with a dark look and his face went cold. He knew he had fucked up.

You harshly ripped your arms away from your holders and ran up to the boy with a flying fist, it knocked him on the ground and you kept on punching. His face become black and blue and Messy with blood, your knuckles ached but you didn't care.

It took a total of four adults to pry you away from the nearly unconscious boy, but by then you had already lost all cool.

You stopped struggling in their hold and spit on the boy you had just beat to a pulp.

Your breathing was irratic and it became very clear to everyone that you were extremely unstable. You caught your breath and spoke down darkly to the boy who cried out in pain. He spotted you stepping one step closer and backed up out of fear.

"If you, or anyone else is this god dam town, ever speak bad about Carl ever again. Your gonna wish your sorry asses became walkers after i'm through with you! Do you FUCKING HEAR ME??"

The boy nodded vigorously as more and more people came over to stare at you with fear.

You yanked your arms away from the men and everyone backed up and cleared you a path as you turned around to go back to you and Carl's room.

You made it up there and slammed the door and began pacing back and forth. You were so Pumped with adrenaline that you didn't even notice the empty bed where Carl laid before.

The door swung open and in came a seething Daryl, followed by a worried Glenn and a Very Concerned Maggie.

Daryl came over to stand infront of you and you mean mugged him. He gave you a harsh push and you feel backwards into a chair.

Maggie and Glenn both Yelled but their cries went Unheard by the both of you. You death gripped the arm rests of the chair you sat in as you glared up at the yelling Man that had became your father figure over the course of this apocalypse.

"I told your ass to take a walk! Not Pumble some kids face in! Now That kids gonna need Stitches that we don't have Just because you couldn't control your Anger over some Dam words! Now I heard what them kids said to you, what they said about Carl. But what if That dam wanna be president decided to Kick you out because you beat up some kid they thought was innocent?! You don't think before you Hit! And we can't have that type of stupidity in this world! Get your fuckin' act together! Or you're gonna be in some deep fuckin' shit."

He left off with those words and left behind a shaking and teary eyed child on the Chair. Your leg bounced rapidly as tears fell from your eyes but no sound came out.

You didn't know any other way to let out what you were feeling besides violence. It was your only option given that Carl wasn't in a good shape to calm you down like he usually would.

You were unknowingly left alone in the room and that left you with your thoughts. You stood up and began throwing, kicking and breaking everything and anything in the room that could be thrown kicked or broken.

You continued until another voice entered the room, another voice you hadn't heard in a long time.

"Y/n..?"

You spun around and anyone could tell just by looking at you that you were not okay.

Your eye bags as eye bags, your hair was widely unkept, your knuckles bled from throwing things, hitting things and beating the shit out of kids and unsuspecting walkers. You shook with every breath you let out, and your voice was raw from yelling into your pillow with Sobs you couldn't control.

Carl Slowly made his way into the room as he carefully walked to you like you were Fine China. He stopped right in front of you and then suddenly encased your form.

You stood there for a few seconds, asking yourself in your loud head 'was this real?'

But as you felt the heat off his skin, the soft melancholy beat of his heart. And his soft But ragged breaths. You knew your boyfriend was real.

You slowly encased his body and you couldn't stop the tears from falling down your face. You began sobbing, wetting his shirt like it was raining from the clouds.

Your loud sobs shook the house that you both occupied but You didn't care. Your throat became dryer and dryer and you sobs grew raspy as you clutched Carl Closer to your body.

You were a broken record falling apart without the other half that was the love of you life. Carl rubbed your back and whispered sweet nothings into your ear.

You continued to sob until you couldn't anymore. Your legs grew tired as your body grew heavy, you hadn't slept in days. And it was evident on your face.

His big hands cupped your face and used the pads of his thumb to wipe away any stray tears from your eyes, your hurt and abused soul seethed through your eyes and he could see what you had been going through with just a glance at your tear stained face.

He kissed your tears away with his chapped lips and your eyes fluttered closed. Your breathing leveled out after crying for hours in his shoulder. He grabbed your hand and led you over to the bed.

He laid down in the spot he had been for weeks and you laid on top of him. You looked into eachothers eyes until you couldn't keep them open anymore.

The two of you fell asleep to the sounds of each others breathing.

You knew you would have to deal with the consequences of what you had done, but you could deal with them later.

Now? The two puzzles peices had finally clicked back together where they belonged, and as long as you had Carl. You didn't care what was next. As long as whatever it was, was beside him.

HIIII, this chapter is kinda sad, sadder then I usually write at least, and this had more reader then Carl so I'm sorry about that but I really hope you guys enjoyed this, and if you wanna see more of Mr grimes please request and I'll get back to you :3

#kira speaks #the walking dead #the walking dead x reader #carl grimes x reader #carl grimes #carl grimes x y/n #carl grimes x you #carl grimes x fem!reader #pls love this bcs it took me so long #twd #tw depressing stuff #twd carl #twd daryl #tw blood #tw depressing thoughts #tw bad thoughts

[trippinsorrows]

with me + part eleven

authors note: hi! i'm super sorry for the cliffhanger! i just have this thing where i need sections to be cohesive, and this chapter is much heavier than the previous, so i didn't wanna boggle ya'll down with all that angst!

i've also been thinking about the length of this story. currently, in terms of story timeline, we're at the very end of december 23', and i have ideas for up to may 24'. well, beyond that, but i don't want things to get stale, so i can end it around that time or keep it going? just curious because i don't want it to play out so long that it bores anyone. if that makes sense. just lmk.

status: in progress // masterlist

warnings: angsttttt (parental neglect, abandonment, trauma) language, alcohol consumption, suggestive themes, some fluff

song inspo: with me by destiny’s child

words: 6.2k

taglist: @pixiedust4000 @southerngirl41 @yolobloggers @msbigredmachine @wanderingreigns

You knew as soon as he walked in that something was up.

In getting to know Joe, you’d also learned that he was, surprisingly, on the quiet side. He spoke with you, of course, but you learned he leaned more towards introverted than extroverted. It was kind of sweet and pretty surprising. But, you’d also learned there was a difference between him being his sometimes quiet self and when something was off, and something was definitely off.

“You gonna tell me what’s wrong, or do I have to fuck it out of you?” He rolls his eyes, not even showing any excitement at the idea of fucking you. Yeah, something was definitely wrong. “Seriously, what’s up?”

He shrugs, playing it off clearly. “Just tired. Back to back matches.” 

That's when you realize what it is. “You’re hurt, aren’t you?” He shakes his head, dismissively, and you cross your arms. “Take your shirt off.”

“What?”

“Take it off, or I’ll climb your big ass and take it off myself.” Joe blows out a breath. He has to know you’re dead serious. So, wordlessly, he lifts his shirt over his head and turns around. 

You gasp almost immediately. “What the actual fuck?” Your hand reaches to touch him, but you stop yourself, knowing that his skin must be sensitive to the touch. His back is inflamed, red welts spread in different areas with a nasty bruise that looks like a borderline hematoma and other various cuts. 

“Why didn’t you say anything sooner?” Shaking your head, you point to your room. “Go sit and wait for me on the bed.” He opens his mouth, and you lift a finger. “I don’t want to hear it. Get in there now.”

Surprisingly, he follows suit, and you start to move about, gathering the necessary supplies. Along the way, you experience a plethora of emotions but mostly bounce back and forth between irritation and concern. 

You’re irritated that he didn’t just come out and say that he was hurt. You’re also concerned because he’s obviously in pain, and that bothers you. He doesn’t have to be, he didn’t have to be if he just said something. 

Stubborn asshole. 

With everything needed and placed in a cloth bag, you walk into your room and stretch your hand out to him. “Take this.”

Joe looks down at your open palm with a single pink pill. “What the hell is it?”

“Coke,” you answer with a straight face. Rolling your eyes, you answer, “Benadryl. It’ll help with the inflammation of the welts.”

“It’ll also knock me out.”

“We’ll we’re obviously not fucking with your back all messed up, so what else are you going to do?”

“Who said we can’t fuck?”

You sigh. “Joe, if you don’t just take this goddamn pill. With your size, you probably should take two, but I’m trying to be nice by only giving you one, so accept my kindness and swallow this damn pill or I’ll shove it down your throat.” 

He sucks his teeth but also takes the pill from you followed by the water bottle tucked under your arm. “You’re a terrible nurse.”

“And you’re an awful patient. At least we’re both on the same page.” You wait for him to swallow it before taking the bottle from him. “Good, now lay on your stomach.”

He lifts his brow, asking, “why?”

“Oh my god, you’re as bad as my students.” Men when they’re sick or not feeling well are a special kind of torture you’re not sure why exactly you’re subjecting yourself to right now. “Just do it, please. I’m trying to help you here.”

He just looks at you, as if he has something else to say, probably so. But, he surprises you by staying silent and following your instructions. 

Pleased, you climb on top of him, sitting on his ass to avoid irritating his already sensitive skin. “Okay, now this may hurt a little bit at first—”

He makes a sound underneath you. “Can’t hurt anymore than it already does.”

“If you had said something sooner, I could have helped you before now,” you scold, dropping the bag on the bed beside ya’ll. Men and their tendency to downplay pain will never cease to amaze you. The minute you start getting hit with cramps, you pop an ibuprofen.

“It’s not that big a deal.”

“You’re in pain. That’s always a big deal.” Pulling out the ointment, you dab enough to your hand and start carefully massaging it into the welts. He hisses at your touch and you murmur an apology but don’t stop. It’s short term discomfort for long term benefits. 

“What is this?” He asks.

“Calamine lotion,” you answer, adding on. “I have hydrocortisone too, but my grandma always said calamine works just as well without getting into your bloodstream. Don’t know how true it is, but it always worked for me, so it’ll work for you.”

He chuckles. “She sounded fun.”

Instantly, a smile is on your face as you continue to treat him. “Always. Summers with her were always the highlight of my year.”

He doesn’t say anything after that, and you continue to work the lotion into his skin. Once pleased with the application, you move on to the next part. “Alright, I’m gonna apply some cold compresses. You’ll probably be out in another 20 minutes, so just leave em’ on, and I’ll come change em’ out while you’re sleeping.”

When he doesn’t push back, you pull the compresses out of your bag and strategically place them on different areas of his back to maximize the comfort. Once finished, you climb off of him and go to close up the blinds and curtains. “Alright, get some rest.” 

You’re at the doorway when he says your name. “Yeah?”

A slight delay before he says, genuinely, “thank you.” 

There’s something meaningful beyond just the obvious, and it brings a small smile to your face. Not that he can see that. So you settle on, “of course. You’re no good to me if you can’t fuck me.”

He laughs, loudly. “Shut up.”

Smile widening, you close the door.  ________

Joe finds you a couple hours later in the kitchen, but it’s the state of you that gives him a pause and brings a smile to his face.

You’re dancing around, clad in one of his shirts and short shorts that your ass swallows up. Brief glimpses of your side profile reveal that you’re singing too, just in a low enough voice, probably not to disturb you. 

He doesn’t know the specific song, but the voice is familiar enough for him to know it’s Taylor Swift. That definitely surprises him, though it shouldn’t. You have a weird ass taste in music to where he’s found you in the shower listening to some random rock song, other times, it was throwback R&B.

You were just so….different from anyone he’s ever known. 

It’s one of the many reasons he’s so enamored with you.

Drop everything now

Meet me in the pouring rain

Kiss me on the sidewalk

Take away the pain

'Cause I see sparks fly, whenever you smile

It’s when you turn around, mid bite on a cookie that you finally notice his presence, smiling. “Hey. You’re up.”

“I am.” He nods, walking over to you. He gestures around the kitchen. “What is all this?” 

You finish chewing and swallow before directing Alexa to pause the music. “Well, I finished my lesson planning and was bored, so I decided to bake. But then I got hungry for actual food, so I ordered takeout.”

“And the music?”

You shrug, taking another bite of your cookie. “I like the song. Don’t worry, it’s the only Taylor Swift song allowed in this African American household.”

He laughs and moves past you when you take the chance to assess his back, immediately noticing how the swelling and redness have decreased. “How you feeling?”

“Better,” he answers, moving to the cartons, seeing that you made sure to order his favorites as well. “Thanks again.”

Smirking, you climb on the island, locking your ankles together. “Not so terrible nurse after all then, huh?”

“Your bedside manners still suck.” 

“Shut up.” You watch him fix his food and when he gets ready to sit down on a bar stool, you hop off the counter, prompting, “come with me.”

“Where?”

“All these damn questions….” Grabbing a couple of cookies and placing them in a bowl, you find your sandals and slide them on your feet. “Just come on.”

“Let me at least put a shirt on.”

“Absolutely not. You need to let your skin breathe,” you lecture, taking him in, all of him. “Trust me, no one’s gonna see us, and even if they did, who the hell would complain about you being shirtless?”

Snatching the keys off the table, you open the door, allowing him to walk out first. You start to leave your door unlocked but decide against it. It’s an extremely safe town, but there’s always a first time for everything. 

Locking it, you motion for him to follow you up the two sets of steps until reaching the heavy door that you turn the knob left and then right in order to open it. Joe’s immediately hit with a nice breeze and diminishing sunlight as the evening sets in.

“Come on,” you usher him to follow you to your favorite spot, sitting down and patting down on the ground next to you.

Joe chuckles, following suit. “Seriously?”

You ignore him, pushing on his shoulder as he brings his plate in front of him to eat. “I like to come out here sometimes to just get away. Especially if I need to clear my head. My grandma used to always say the closer you are to Heaven, the clearer you can hear God’s voice.”

He just watches you, the way the wind blows at your curls, making them splash at your face. Everything about you has always been stunning to him, but in this moment where you sit so relaxed and unbothered, he’s never thought you looked more beautiful. 

“Plus, you obviously need to clear your head to bounce back from that ass whooping,” you snort, taking another bite of your cookie. One look at Joe’s scowl makes you giggle. “On one hand, it’s crazy to me you put your body through so much, but I also recognize your passion and dedication. So, I get it. I was an athlete too. Love of the game type shit.”

You can’t say that you would have ever continued to cheer if it left you the way Joe would come to you sometimes, but as someone who’s been in a similar situation, you understand it. And it’s so much more than just a job to him. It’s a legacy, in his bloodline. All he knows.

All he wants.

So, you support him.

You’ll always support him.

________

There’s the initial chaos that ensues in the minutes after your departure. Callie’s confusion. Joe’s confusion. Bianca’s utter confusion. And as Callie is right there, Joe can’t go immediately after you. He can’t and won’t leave her, so he does the best he can, offering apologies to Bianca and Co. before taking Callie and finding your mom who was catching up with an old friend in another part of the show.

He has some level of difficulty explaining what happened, other than the fact that you’d run off and he needed to find you. It’s really all of the information that he has to go off of, and when he’s finally able to get back to the apartment where he thinks you probably went. He's disappointed to find it empty. There’s brief moment of panic. 

Just where the hell would you go?

He pulls out his phone to check again if you’ll pick up, but it goes straight to voicemail. He then starts to call your mom to ask her if she had any idea where you would be when he thinks about what happened. You were upset, very much so. 

You needed to clear your head.

He knows exactly where you are.

On that same roof he sat on with you years prior is where Joe finds you, but what he doesn’t expect is the bottle of Hennessy that’s not only open but already halfway empty and sitting beside you. 

He doesn’t try to hide his presence and is unsurprised when you ask, “How’d you find me?” 

“Wasn’t that hard,” he answers. It wasn’t. He remembers almost everything you’ve ever told him about yourself, including how this spot has always been your place to escape.

Just what were you escaping from is what has him stumped.

“Sit down.” You pat the space beside you much harder than what’s necessary. He sighs and asks for a minute, pulling out the phone and stepping away to make a call.

Your mom answers on the third ring. “Did you find her?”

“Yeah,” Joe runs his hand over his face. “I got her, but….can you take Callie back to your place?”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

He looks over again at the bottle. “She’s drunk.”

“Drunk?” It sounds like she’s holding back a chuckle, like his words are humorous because everyone knows you don’t drink, and she says as such. “What do you mean she’s drunk? My child doesn’t even drink.”

“She did tonight” Joe’s eyes fall back over to you to see you still sitting, swaying slightly as if listening to music. There is no music. “And Callie doesn’t need to see her like this.” He especially knows you wouldn’t want her to see you like this. 

Your mom sighs, heavily, on the other end. “You’ll stay with her, right?”

“Of course.” That’s not even a question. “And once I get her settled, if Callie is still up—”

“Oh, she’ll be up. She can’t fall asleep unless she talks to you or her mama.” It feels like an inappropriate response, but there’s a small part of Joe that finds joy in this. He remembers when you mentioned to him before that Callie needed to see and/or speak to you before she could fall asleep, a sign of how closely bonded you two were. To be added to that category means everything to him. “Thank you, Joseph.”

He sees no need in being thanked but acknowledges your mom’s appreciation anyway. “Of course.” The call ends, and he brings his focus back to you. The first thing he does is take away the bottle of Henny.

You see this and instantly scowl. “You’re no fun.” 

He sits next to you, asking in a quiet voice, “what happened tonight, Y/N?” Joe is still utterly confused at all of this, your zero to one hundred change in demeanor. But, the fact that you resulted to drinking shows him just how heavy whatever it was has impacted you. “Talk to me.” 

You laugh, but there isn’t an ounce of humor. “God, where do I start?” Your eyes light up, as if realizing something. “Oooh. I know where.” You lean into his shoulder, whispering, “I’m the product of an affair.”

This piece of information definitely takes him by surprise.

He's noticed you've never talked about your father, and he's never asked. Obviously, it was a sensitive topic, that much he could garner. But now, he knows just why it was sensitive.

“I don't—I don't know exactly what happened between them. She’s never really talked about it, but I do remember when I was younger, maybe—maybe a couple years older than Callie, he was—he was at the house.” You swallow, and Joe can see the distance in your eyes, like you’re no longer sitting here beside him. But someplace else. “She told me to go to my room, but I snooped at the top of the steps. Don’t….don’t really remember everything that was said except that she was literally begging this man to have some type of relationship with me, and he refused.” You laugh suddenly, and it’s so out of place, doesn't make sense given the nature of the conversation. But it does if he factors in the liquor coursing through your system. “He called me a m–mistake.”

Joe's heart aches at your words. “Baby—”

“When I was sixteen years old, I worked at a clothing store in town, and I saved up my money for this necklace…it was gold, and I thought—I thought it was so pretty. It made me feel fancy.” You chuckle, not as humorous this time, head tilting. “And once I finally got the necklace, I drove—I drove an hour away because…because after all those years, I still….I wanted to meet my father. I wanted…I wanted him to be in my life.” 

“He’s uh—or was, I’m not sure anymore—captain of police in his town, so I went to the precinct to meet him, wearing that necklace that I worked months to save up for because…because I wanted to look nice. I remember walking into his office, and I was nervous, but—but I also figured there was no way he could reject me then. I—I was head cheerleader. A straight A student. I—I had just gotten a near perfect score on both my SAT and ACT. I was…I was a good kid, Joe.”

Your jaw fixes, and he can see you’re trying to hold back tears. It kills him to see you this upset. He’s never seen you this vulnerable. “And I—I told him all that. I told him I wanted to see if he wanted a relationship with me, and do you know what he told me?” You suddenly stand up, clearly intending to mimic this interaction. “A relationship? Why would I want a relationship with you? You’re not even supposed to exist.” 

You giggle, eyes watering. Joe frowns. He can’t even begin to fathom how someone can say something like that to their own flesh and blood.

“Oh, but that’s not even the best part.” You’re doing one hell of a job playing this all off as something that isn’t impacting you, no doubt thanks to the alcohol. But, he knows you well enough to know and even see where this is headed. “He—” you hiccup, covering your mouth to hide your giggles. “He said again that I was a mistake that he paid my mom to take care of and—” It’s starting to crack, the alcohol induced facade that all of this is fine, that you don’t care. Your voice starts to catch. “---that the money he gave her for an abortion was the biggest waste of money he ever spent.”

“Y/N—”

“Minutes later, his wife walked in and then—and then his daughter walked in, and I—I ran. I couldn’t….I couldn’t—we looked the same age, Joe. He had a daughter already, he–he didn’t need me. He didn't—he didn’t want me.” You sniffle, wiping at your eyes. “And that’s fine, I—I didn’t care. I—I blocked that out after that day. I’d—I’d forgotten about him.” A beat. “Until tonight.”

“Because—because for the first time since I was sixteen years old, I was in front of all of them again. My—my—father, his wife, my—-”

Joe starts putting the pieces together. “Bianca….”

“She’s my sister,” you answer for him, having a hard time keeping it all in at this point. “She’s the one he’s proud of. She’s the one whose kid he claims as his grandchild. She’s the one he acknowledges. I’m just—I’m just the mistake he wishes was never born.” 

Joe stands up, gradually moving toward you. 

“I did everything right. I stayed out of trouble. I went to school. I got my degree. I did—-” He’s in front of you, gently pulling you into him as you finally break. “I don’t understand why he didn’t want me. I’m his daughter.” you finally shatter, crying into his chest. “What’s wrong with me?”

“Hey, hey—” Joe brings his hands to your face, making you look at him. “There is nothing wrong with you. You are an amazing, intelligent, beautiful woman, and I can’t even begin to describe how amazing of a mother you are.” He wipes away your tears as you clutch onto his shirt. “He doesn’t deserve you, baby. He doesn’t deserve to be in your life. He never did, and he never will. Fuck him. You don’t need shit from him. I’ve got you, okay? Always.” You allow him to hold you, to comfort you, because it’s just what you need in this moment. You tried to find it in solitude, tried to find it at the bottom of a liquor bottle, but it was all in vain. You just needed him.

Joe holds you as long as you allow him, letting you cry it out until he's eventually able to guide you into returning to your apartment.

But outside the door is when you hesitate.

He notices this, immediately asking, “what’s wrong?”

Your eyes start watering again. “Callie…I—I don’t want her to—”

He shakes his head, kissing the top of your head. “I asked your mom to take her back to her place. I’ll go check on her after I get you straight.”

This seems to settle some of your anxiety, and he continues to guide you into your bedroom. He helps you out of your clothes and into a simple t-shirt that he recognizes as one of his own.

Joe moves all of your decorative pillows, placing them on the chair in the corner of your room as you pull back the blankets. He turns around to find you reaching for his hand, tugging him towards the bed. “Just—just until I fall asleep.”

He doesn’t object. Joe planned to stay with you until then anyway.

He undresses enough to climb into bed with you, and you waste no time burying yourself into his chest, feeling an instant sense of peace when he wraps his strong arms around you. You’ve always felt so safe and protected in his embrace, and in this moment, it’s everything you need. 

“I realized something tonight,” you mumble into his skin. Joe’s hand is under your shirt, hand moving soothing circles on the small of your back. “I—I didn’t keep Callie from you because of your wife. That was part of the reason, but it wasn’t the main reason.” You lift your head, throat feeling pressured as you allow yourself to finally admit, “the truth is that I was terrified you would reject her the way my dad rejected me, and I never wanted her to feel that way. And I know now that you would never do that to her, but I—I didn’t know then, and I was so wrong, and I’m so sorry. I—”

“Hey—” He cuts you off, hand going to palm your cheek. “Don’t do that. I understand why you did it now, I do. You were trying to protect her. I can’t be upset with you for that. I’m not.” He studies your face, your eyes, always so beautiful to him. “I don’t think I could ever be mad at you for too long.”

It’s not a lie. Joe’s always thought he’s known you like the back of his hand, learned you so well, but tonight has shown him that he didn’t know everything. He’ll never get back the time he missed out on with Callie, and maybe on some level there will always be a slither of resentment. But, it’s not enough for him to notice and most definitely not enough for him to actually feel.

He’s not quite sure how he could find it in him to hold your decision against you. It didn’t come from a place of selfishness or vindictiveness but love and protectiveness. You just wanted to keep her from experiencing the pain and trauma you’d endured. 

There was no faulting that. 

And you accept his grace, so understanding and considerate. You feel slightly undeserving but immensely grateful that he can extend such empathy. 

You’re quiet after that, eyes shut as you work to turn off your brain and decompress what’s inarguably been one of the most difficult days of your life. You’re almost in the early stages of sleep when his voice invades the quietness. 

“I love you.” Joe doesn’t feel any sort of movement at his confession, doesn’t feel you tense or relax. He’s not even sure if you’re still awake, but still, he continues. “I’ve always loved you, and I don’t even know how much of this you’ll remember tomorrow, but that doesn’t matter because I’ve always imagined telling you under much different circumstances anyway.”

“I want to be with you,” he continues. “I’ve always wanted to be with you, and I’m sorry for not putting you first. You deserved better than that. I should have gotten divorced long before I even met you. And that’s….something we eventually need to talk about. I owe you that much.”

He wants to say more, so much more, but he also knows now is not the time given he’s almost certain you’re asleep. Hence why he finally slips out of bed, knowing he needs to check on Callie.

He doesn’t leave without caressing your cheek and kissing your temple, relieved that you’re finally getting some rest following what was inexplicably an emotionally draining day. 

But you’re not asleep, and you did hear it.

You heard it all.

________

“Who are you?”

Joe walked into your moms house, not expecting anyone other than your mom and Callie. Only one of those individuals are present, and the other is a man he’s never in his life seen before but automatically doesn’t like. Just his aura seems off. 

Joe especially hates that this man is in the same house as his little girl.

Your mom seems taken back by this side of him and explains, “Joe, this is Amir. He’s, uhh, an old friend of Y/N. He saw her run off and wanted to check in on her.”

The day's events are definitely a contributing factor as Joe feels exhausted, both mentally and physically, but hearing that this is the infamous Amir instantly angers him. What the hell is he doing here?

“You bold as hell coming here.” is all Joe says, redirecting his attention to your mom. “Y/N tell you that she found out he and Mariah been sleeping with each other?”

What he wants to say is that they’ve been fucking, but he wants to remain respectful. Even if it is hard as hell.

Your mom is looking, mouth ajar, between Joe and Amir. “Wh–what is he talking about, Amir?”

“So you’re the one that’s been feeding those lies into her.” Deflection. It’s a typical bitch move. “You talking a lot of shit for someone who abandoned his own kid and just came back on the scene like ain't nothing happened.”

If not for the fact that you’ve already explained to Joe that you’d never told Amir what really happened between you and him because it was none of his business, Joe would have been livid. He would never abandon you. And definitely never Callie. Ever.

He’d have been with you every fucking step of the way the minute you found out you were pregnant if he’d been given the chance.

But all of that is no business of this asshole’s. 

“You can say or think whatever the hell you want about me. It doesn’t matter. You’re irrelevant, regardless, so the same way you walked your ass in here is the same way you can walk your ass right on out.”

“Apparently not to Y/N.” He’s smug, and it takes a tremendous amount of willpower for Joe to not lay this man out right then and there. He doesn’t know why you would ever settle for the likes of this prick. “Not with how many times she ended up in my bed.” 

Joe partially forgot your mom was even in the same vicinity until she gasps loudly, clearly disgusted, “my Lord. Please, this is my daughter you’re speaking about.”

With a low chuckle, Joe tries his best to remain respectful yet still abundantly clear. “And how many times has she reached out to you since I’ve been back?” His silence is all the answer Joe needs, not that he really needs one at all. Joe knows you have eyes and desire for him and him alone. He just needs to prove a point to this motherfucker. “I’m not asking you. I’m telling you to stay the fuck away from my girlfriend and especially my daughter, cause the next time it won’t be no conversation.”

And before Amir can say or even, stupidly, do anything, a new smaller voice enters the scene.

“Daddy!”

Joe is unsure if he’ll ever get over the joy that fills him at being called that. Callie is at the top of the steps but proceeds to rush down when she sees him, Joe leaning down and catching her, picking her up.

“Hey, sweetheart.” He kisses her cheek, noticing almost immediately how tired she looks. Understandable, as it’s almost 11 o’ clock, far past her bedtime. Uncomfortable with this Amari or whatever the fuck his name is being so close to Callie, Joe starts leading her back up the stairs.

With a frown, she asks the question he was expecting. “Where’s mommy?” 

“She’s back at the apartment sleeping.” Joe is unsure just how to explain tonight’s events to Callie, not really knowing how to help her understand what occurred, if at all possible. “I’ll take you to see her tomorrow morning as soon as she wakes up.”

Joe walks her into her room at your mom’s place and seats her on the bed, sitting next to her. “What’s wrong with her?”

Such a simple question in wording and massively difficult in every other area, especially when one considers Callie’s young age. 

“Mommy saw someone who was very mean to her when she was little, and it made her sad, so….she just wanted to be alone.” It’s the best, simplest answer that’s not a lie he can come up with on the spot.

Callie’s frown deepens. “I don’t want mommy to be sad.”

“Neither do I, baby,” he murmurs. “But, I talked with her, and she should start feeling better soon, okay?”

Her frown diminishes slightly, and Joe can tell she’s in thought. She then asks, “are you gonna go stay with mommy tonight?”

“I was, but I can stay with you, if you want me to.” Joe knows you’ll probably sleep throughout the night because of the alcohol and more importantly, if Callie needs him, he’s there. No questions asked.

You would do the same. 

She suddenly shakes her head. “Mommy stays with me when I’m sad, so someone’s gotta stay with her while she’s sad.” Her face grows sullen again as she asks with a yawn, “do you still have to leave tomorrow morning?”

“No, I leave tomorrow night instead.”

In the midst of all of tonight’s chaos, he’d managed to switch flights, picking an evening one instead. Joe let Hunter know there was a family emergency, and that he’d be back later than initially expected. Hunter was understanding, and while he was grateful for that, it didn’t really make a difference.

You and Callie come first. 

She’s obviously partially pleased with this information and moves her body against his, laying her head on his arm. “I’m sleepy….”

Reaching to caress her cheek with his finger, he directs, “get some rest, Callie. I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep.”

She doesn’t say anything, just closes her eyes. It doesn’t take long for sleep to overtake her, a mere matter of minutes really. He stays with her longer though, just to be sure, needing to know she’s okay.

He needs both of yall to be okay.

________

You wake up with an instant sense of unease and discomfort. Your head is throbbing, and your body feels heavy. Your chest feels pressured, like there’s some invisible weight on it.

But in a matter of seconds, it all comes rushing back to you. The fireworks. Bianca. Seeing your dad. Running. Drinking. 

"I love you."

Eyes shutting, you do your best to settle your brain because only one thing is at the front of your mind when you hear giggling coming from outside of your closed door.

Callie 

Just how in the hell did your brief mental breakdown affect your child? 

Pushing the blankets off, it’s then you notice the bottle of water and white pill sitting on your nightstand. Picking it up, you see it’s Advil.

“Joe…..” you whisper, realizing he must have left it here waiting for you once you woke up. Eyes watering at his thoughtfulness, you swallow it and head straight for the bathroom. You need to get cleaned up and get out there to see what kind of damage you’ve unintentionally inflicted on your child’s psyche.

You know how attached she is to you and don’t even allow yourself to think about how difficult it must have been to be so abruptly ripped away.

Especially when you’re the one who did the ripping.

The shower is kept to a minimum, and once your teeth are brushed and face clean, you don’t hesitate to step out of the room. Following the path of sound, in the kitchen is where you find Callie. With Joe. 

They’re sharing a quiet laugh, and you’re certain it’s quiet because he told her you needed your rest. Always looking out for you. 

However, it’s when Callie happens to glance your way that her eyes go big. 

“Mommy!”

She surprisingly climbs off the counter instead of outright jumping and runs over to you. You kneel down to meet her for her hug, so tight and welcoming. “Do you feel better?” 

“Oh baby, I’m always better when I get to see you.” Kissing her forehead, you add, gently, “mommy’s sorry for scaring you.” And it's true. You never meant to scare her or make her worry about you, and it's something you'll work as hard as necessary to make up to her.

But your sweet child surprises you with her authentic, mature reassurances. “It’s okay. Daddy said you were sad,” she explains and gasps. “I made you something to make you smile!”

Touched, you palm her cheek. She really is the light of your life. “I’d love to see it, baby.”

“Okay! I’ll be right back.” She rushes out of the kitchen, and you take the opportunity to talk to Joe. Wordlessly, you move over to hug him.

“Thank you.” There’s not enough thank yous to show him just how appreciative you are to have him in your life, to have him as Callie’s father. He took such control yesterday while you were busy drowning in your daddy issues. And now he’s still here when you’re almost certain that he was supposed to have flown out at the crack of dawn. “I’m really sorry about last night. That’s not—-I don’t get drunk. I would never leave Callie like that—“

“I don’t care about any of that,” he dismisses. You believe him, as he looks entirely uninterested in any explanation you want to provide him because he sees it as unnecessary. He takes the back of hand to feel your forehead. “How are you feeling? Did you take the Advil?”

Nodding, you try again, “seriously, Joe. You’ve changed your whole schedule around—“

“You needed me,” he answers. “There was nothing to think about.”

And the tears are brewing again, but for very different reasons. This man is everything you’ve always wanted and dreamed of, even better. And he loves you. He wants to be with you. Your daughter's father wants to establish a life with you, be a family. What logical reason do you have to continue to deny him? Deny yourself?

“Joe…..” Licking your lips, you place your hands on his chest. “I lo—”

“Here it is, mommy!”

Callie’s interruption is both perfect and imperfect timing. You want so badly to tell him that you love him too, that you also want to be with him. But maybe it’s not the best timing, maybe the setting should be different.

You want him to know you love him not just because of the aftershocks of vulnerability. That you’re in love with him and have been since you were 23 years old. 

Callie is at your legs, holding up a drawing she created of you surrounded by hearts. Her artwork has always been her favorite form of expression, and you’re so grateful for her pure, kind heart in this moment.

Holding it against your chest, you lean down to accept her hug. “Thank you so much, baby. I love it.” 

“Yay!” She rejoices and then looks up between the two of you. “Daddy and I made you breakfast!”  

Gasping, you ask, “really?” It’s only then you notice the kitchen, while cleaner than one would expect after preparing breakfast with a four-year-old, you see the counters that have food laid out on a variety of plates and tupperware. “Waffles?”

“Your favorite.” Joe reaches to kiss your temple, and lightly pats your hip. “Sit down, we’ll fix it for you.”

You open your mouth to protest when Callie takes your hand and guides you to the barstools and scampers back over to Joe who picks her up, holding her with one arm while the other fixes your breakfast for you. He allows her to point and dictate what goes on your plate and how it’s fixed.

And you sit there, allowing yourself to take in this moment. There’s so much you need to navigate and sort through. Bianca, your dad, Mariah, hell, even finally being honest with Joe about your feelings. But, all of that can wait. 

Because all that matters right now are the two people you love most in this world.

#roman reigns x black!oc #roman reigns x black!reader #roman reigns fic #roman reigns #arisnotebook #black writers

[hanniebaeee]

Flicker

Bang Chan x fem!reader

Warning: cursing, injury, kissing

Genre: angst, fluff

Summary: When Chris misses a dinner you were looking forward to, it makes you question your relationship. A fight ensues and it makes both of you regret a lot of things.

You couldn't stop the tears that seemed to cascade down your cheeks. Your heart felt heavy and an ache had settled over your chest. You refused to meet his eye.

'Y/N. Come on, you know how -' Chris wanted to tell you that he hadn't forgotten. He wanted to tell you that you meant the world to him. That he loved only you. But he knew that at this particular moment, nothing looked right.

You wouldn't talk to him and you wouldn't stop crying. The only sound in the room was that of your sniffs and little sobs.

'Baby, please.' Chris pleaded, taking a step closer. He tried to touch you, but you hissed at him not to even think of it.

'I'm so done, Christopher. I'm so fucking done with being your second option. I'm DONE.' You say, standing up and facing him. 'You can go and serve your boys and their girlfriends freely. I'm not gonna hold you back.'

'Y/N, don't be ridiculous!' Chris said, your choice of words annoying him.

'Oh I'm ridiculous? You think I'm ridiculous?! Wow.' Your sadness was turning into anger now. You wanted to hurt him. You wanted him to feel how hurt you were.

'Baby, she was sick. She wanted help. I didn't mean to stand you up. At the hospital, she didn't have anyone else to help her-' Chris said, knowing very well that this is only going to fuel your anger more.

'And why is that? Because she had a fight with her boyfriend and was too proud to call him for help? Seriously, Bang Chan. You are something else.' You snap.

Chris flinches at how you call him Bang Chan. But he doesn't say anything.

'My sister wanted to meet you, Chris. She came all the way here to meet you and you went to do what? I just don't understand.' You say, fresh tears making an appearance. 'You could've come for like 5 minutes. You decided to not even call me. Shows the kind of commitment you have towards me and our relationship.'

'Baby, please don't! I spoke to your sister and I apologized a hundred times for missing out. I feel bad for this, but I swear I didn't do it on purpose.' Chris said, sadly. 'Please forgive me.'

'No. I don't want to. I feel like an idiot for always putting you first. I didn't even go home for my last holiday because it was the only time YOU had time. And this is what you do to me. For a girl who refuses to even acknowledge my presence in your life. You should go be with her.'

'Y/N, we work together! She's nothing more than my colleague!' Chris snapped. 'She fainted for fucks sake!'

'I don't give a fuck.' You snap back. 'Why don't you just go and wipe her nose or something. Since she's so sick.'

'That's enough, Y/N.' He said, voice low and laced with anger. 'No more.'

'You make me want to vomit, Chris. Just, just-' You shake your head and walk to the door.

'Where are you going?' Chris asked, glancing at the clock. 'It's almost 1, Y/N.'

'What's it to you?' You ask with a scoff. 'If I stand here and listen to you for one more minute, I'll lose my mind.'

With that, you start walking out and towards the elevator. Sighing, Chris follows you.

'Baby, what's this behavior?' Chris asks, clearly exhausted now. 'I'm sorry. I really am.'

You ignore him. The jealousy and anger were at its peak now. You were usually a very forgiving person, but this was not such a situation. You were so excited for your sister to meet Chris. And your sister was very very excited to meet him, more so since she was a Stay since before you met Chris. And he fucks it all up.

You were blind with rage and the elevator seemed to take forever to just come and huffing with irritation, you make your way to the stairs. You were willing to go down 10 floors of stairs just to get away from Chris.

'Y/N, come on. What do you want me to do? Hm? What can I do to fix this?' Chris asked, following you again.

He grabs your arm as you were about to go down the stairs. He gave you a pleading look. He knew it always melted your heart.

'Are you really gonna play with my feelings right now, Bang Chan? Really?' You ask, your voice shaking with emotion. 'You wanna fix this? Why don't you go back in time and choose me over some random girl? Hm? Can you do that?'

'Baby, I'm so so so sorry. I promise I've learned my lesson. I will never-'

'Save it. It's all just words anyway.' You say and pull your arm away from his forcefully. What you forget is that you were standing at the edge of the staircase, and the force of your actions had you falling back, tumbling down the stairs.

Your eyes widen and you scream as you fall. Chris tries to grab you, screaming your name, but you were already falling. Your hand twisted in a funny way and it hurt so much, you didn't even know what was happening. You hit your head on the edge of a step and your spine on another. Everything seemed to blur as the pain took over. Chris had stopped your fall midway, but the damage was done.

He had you in his arms, and he was calling your name loudly, patting your cheek lightly.

'Y/N?! Baby, stay with me!'

You could see the tears on his face and the way his hands shook as he took out his phone and called an ambulance. The look of fear and desperation flickered over his handsome face. And your own thoughts flickering over your head, and you were way too tired all of a sudden. You didn't want to let go. You didn't want to pass out. Everything hurt so much you were afraid you wouldn't open your eyes again. You wanted to tell him that you were sorry. But your body wasn't in sync with you anymore.

You lost your consciousness halfway through his conversation with Minho. Chris cried so hard, trying to shake you awake. Your hand was a deep blue and swollen just below the elbow. There was a bruise forming over your cheekbone too. And one of your knees was bleeding.

Minho came running down the stairs in a few minutes, looking aghast and looking at you with worried eyes.

'What the hell happened?! Oh my God!' He didn't even know what to say.

The ambulance was there soon and you were taken to a hospital nearby. Chris kept crying and blaming himself for everything. If he hadn't missed dinner with your sister, everything would still be ok. You would be fine. He sat crumbled on one of the chairs outside the examination room, head pounding and feeling totally lost.

When you woke up the next day, the only one you wanted was Chris. He didn't sleep throughout the night, sitting by your bed, refusing to leave or even move from there. Finally when you opened your eyes and said his name, he was crying again, kissing your cheeks and face and apologizing repeatedly.

Minho on the other hand tried to talk to anyone who seemed to go in or out of your room. Finally the doctor was there and he said that you were doing ok. A broken hand and some bruises for now. But since you had hit your head pretty bad, so you could have a concussion. You hadn't woken up yet, so they wanted to wait and see.

'I'm sorry, Chris' you mumbled. 'I'm so sorry.'

'No no no' he said, 'You did nothing wrong. I promise I will never make you cry again. I promise.'

'I love you.' You say and when Chris kisses you, you try to smile through the pain. 'I'm glad I still have my boyfriend here to take care of me, even if we're fighting. Unlike your poor friend.'

Chris had to laugh at that.

'I'm always gonna be here for you. No matter what. Even if we fight. Or you stop wanting me. I will still always be here for you.' He said softly.

'I'll never stop wanting you.' You let him know and he nods, kissing you again.

The door opened and Minho steps in.

'Oh look who's awake!' He said brightly, setting down the food he had gone to get. 'How are you sweetie? They boys are dying to come and meet you, but i told them to wait till you are awake.'

'Not great' you say, pouting. But you smile when he hands you your favorite Leebit plushie (it was no secret that he was your bias!).

'Well, it should be some comfort to know that he cried for 10 hours straight.' Minho said, looking at Chris. His eyes were bloodshot and the lids so swollen and pink. 'He's never gonna leave you alone now. You have no idea what you've done.'

You look at Chris, and hold his hand tighter. Chris kissed your hand softly, smiling.

'Chris, we're at the airport. Now will be a good time to tell me where we're going.' You said, giving your boyfriend a look. 'Come on!!!'

Your arm was finally out of the cast and he had been waiting for this day. Bags were already packed and ready. Minho had dropped you both at the airport and he was still not saying anything.

'Christopher.'

'Patience baby'

You sigh.

But in another few minutes, you knew. You didn't say anything, afraid that you would start crying. It broke your heart a bit, but it made your heart swell with love for your lovely boyfriend. Chris just smiled and kissed you as he saw the realization on your face.

After a few hours of flying, your sister met you at the airport, throwing her arms around you and fangirling over Chris, who gave her a shy smile.

'So you didn't know?' She asked as she drove you all home.

'Nope.' You said, shaking your head.

'Aww, this is so cute!' She said, giving Chris a grateful smile. 'Mum and dad are so excited to meet you Chris. You're finally bringing him home!'

Later that night, you pull Chris into your old bedroom and kiss the hell out of him, not giving him a chance to breathe or say anything at all. And when you finally let him go, he gives you a look filled with so much love and adoration - you knew he was your happily ever after.

Chris was so shy in front of your parents, and they were so happy to finally meet the man who had stolen their daughter's heart. Initially they were doubtful about you dating a man from a different country, and a celebrity on top of that. They were worried that you would struggle with the culture difference and you would be homesick. Deciding to stay back in Korea had been a big decision for you as you had never been so far away from your family before. And now, your parents could see why. You were in love and he obviously made you really happy.

It melted your heart, seeing him mingling with your family so well. And it made you so needy for him.

a/n: I'm sorry, I love torturing myself with these angsty scenarios 😭

#skz #stray kids #skz stay #chris bang #christopher bang #bang chan #bang chan x reader #bang chan x you #bang chan x y/n #bang chan x female reader #skz x reader #skz x you #skz x y/n #stray kids x y/n #stray kids x you #stray kids x reader

[vampiricmycelium]

I've been taken over by thoughts of @zhukzucraft Quadruple Life series and dapper duo/mumskizz so I wrote a little thing for them.

"You two can rest here! If you need anything just holler."

Joe waved goodbye to the new soulmate pair before disappearing back into the hallway. Mumbo turned from his disappearing back to the room he had been led to. It was a small room dug out underground with two beds nearby. Meant to be used as a bedroom of some sort. Not that anyone would really be getting sleep.

Skizz was already relaxing on one of the beds, peering over at him with one eye open.

"You okay there Jumbo Jet?"

"Me? I'm fine."

Mumbo didn't feel fine. He hadn't felt fine since he had caused their accidental death, or maybe even before that. Certainly since. It wasn't just that they were both on yellow already that had him shaken, but the strange choice he was given. It was a relief that his soulmate was Skizz out of everyone. He knew that if his luck had been worse, he might not be able to relax here at all. If he could relax.

Skizz was a strange one, though. He hadn't really spent that much time with him before this, but he knew what he was like—to a degree. He was a little overwhelmed with how friendly and affectionate he was. Skizz wasn't doing anything at the moment, and already Mumbo's face was heating back up just thinking about his teasing joke that they were married.

Was being soulmates equivalent to being married? No. Joe and Doc weren't married, right?

"You sure, buddy? You're just kind of standing there looking like you might faint."

"Do I? I'm sorry. I'm just a little overwhelmed at the moment. I think I just need some time to unwind."

"Well, you're in the perfect place for it." Skizz patted the side of the bed he was on. Not the one next to it, the one he was currently lying across. Yes, Mumbo was properly blushing now. "Come over here and relax."

Mumbo didn't reply but instead took the other bed, sitting on it facing Skizz. Skizz didn't seem disappointed if he was at all that Mumbo had taken the other bed in the room instead of joining him. Perhaps he hadn't intended to imply that Mumbo should join him in his bed. Skizz smiled at him, as bright and warm as before. Mumbo felt shy again, but there was something else there. He was happy, yes, happy. Happy his soulmate was Skizz. Someone who wanted him was happy to have him around. Who wasn't upset that he took their first life.

Someone who smiled at him laughed with him and called him a silly nickname. Skizz was an amazing person, a great friend, and an ally. He was lucky to have him, but he didn't think Skizz was as lucky to be stuck with him.

"Don't want to share our wedding bed," Skizz finally said, affirming Mumbo's first idea. Mumbo started to stumble over his words, beet red and trying to turn away. Skizz laughed, but it wasn't mean. "Sorry, sorry. I don't mean to tease you so much. I don't want to put us on red accidentally by making you die of embarrassment or something."

"I'm not embarrassed," Mumbo tried to assure but felt like he was doing a terrible job of it. "I'm just not good at.... any of this."

"Don't worry there Mumble Jumble. I won't say another word about it. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

There was a long stretch of silence.

"I don't mind it."

"What?"

"The flirting. The jokes about being married. All of that. I don't mind it."

Skizz was quiet and for a moment Mumbo wondered if he messed it up. Maybe Skizz didn't care for it and was trying to find a way out of joking about it. Had he messed things up?

"Good. Because you know... we aren't really husbands." Skizz paused before giving a different kind of smile. Something far more cheeky and flirty. "Yet."

"Yet?"

"You know, at the end of the whole deal, the two people getting married kiss to seal the deal. We haven't kissed yet!"

"Skizz. We can't. We can't kiss," Mumbo replied, his voice dropping down at the end as if he was trying to prevent anyone from overhearing them. "Can we?"

"I think that's up for the two of us to decide, don't you think? If you want to kiss me and I want to kiss you."

Mumbo wondered if he'd ever stop blushing. If he'd go through this whole game with a bright red face. He couldn't look at Skizz as he spoke, feeling nervous and shy and ready to explode. This was all so much.

"Do you want to kiss me?"

"Yes."

"Oh." Just a quick and simple response. What did he expect from the man who chose to keep their bond so quickly? "Okay."

"Okay? You want to kiss me, too?"

"I-- Yes. I want to."

Mumbo turned back, seeing that Skizz had sat up on his bed. He was leaning forward, giving Mumbo that same warm look. He felt like he might die instead of having a heart attack. He closed his eyes, leaning towards him. He could feel Skizz's hand on his thigh, feel him get closer. He heard the soft whisper of, "You may now kiss the groom," and then Skizz was kissing him.

It was a soft, chaste kiss that lingered for only a couple of seconds, but it felt so nice. Mumbo was almost sad when Skizz pulled away. He opened his eyes back to see his bright grin, his hand still on his leg. Mumbo let out a shaky breath. Oh, Skizz was going to be the death of him in so many ways. He just knew it.

"Let's get some rest, hubby. I think we've both earned it."

"Of course." Mumbo finally gave back his own smile. "Husband."

#charlie has a boring life #trafficshipping #mumskizz #dapper duo #quadruple life #I hope this was good

[x-liv25-jamieswife]

my ranking of the tig villains/most hated characters

i'm bored so i'm doing this. 1 is the character i hate most meaning 8 is the one i hate the least. i apologize if this sucks. its quite late for me as i'm writing this.

drake. ik most people would put eve or smth at the top of this list, but this dude is an abuser and a pedophile (he used to call avery jailbait which means "a person who is younger than the legal age of consent for sexual activity and usually appears older, with the implication that a person above the age of consent might find them sexually attractive" according to wikipedia). not only was he horrible to libby, but he also tried to kill avery. characters like him just give me the ick and the creeps and i just can't stand them.

eve. i think this is self-explanatory. eve is one of the most annoying and petty characters i've ever read about. she tried to kill avery, kidnapped tobias (and ruined his chances of forming a better relationship with avery, and, as the biggest toby and avery father daugther stan, i cannot stand this), manipulated grayson, and hurt many people. if you don't hate her, i don't trust you. also, i hope she doesn't get a redemption arc bc she doesn't deserve it.

sheffield. i have one thing to thank this dude for and that's the love confession from jameson after he put avery in a coma. other than that, he bombed avery, kidnapped avery, cheated on his wife, was a horrible 'father' to grayson (and his daugthers bc of colin). he's honestly tied with eve (he's not first cause i can't stand guys like drake). i dont really think i have to explain myself

emily. i really don't think i have to explain. she's manipulative, petty, self-absorbed. the only thing she has going for her is that she didn't try to kill anyone. she treated the boys like crap, emotionally abused her sister, and (although she wasn't present to do it i still blame her for it) affected avery's self-esteem.

ricky. i know he's high on this list but he's just so creepy to me. anyone who hurts avery in any way si automatically a no for me. he was never there for avery and libby, refused to take custody of her after her mom died, didn't show up to hannah's funeral, tried to step up to get money after avery inherited, got together with skye (ew???). ik this doesn't seem horrible in comparison to what the others did, but seeing avery's feelings towards him in the books (especially thl) made me despise him so that's why he's so high up.

tobias. he emotionally abused his grandsons, put avery in a position that he knew might get her killed, treated his own kids horribly, hurt a lot of people in order to become who he became. the only reason he isn't higher up is bc he did sometimes do nice things (although not often).

vincent. him and tobias are sort of interchangeable??? but he partnered with eve to get toby kidnapped (sort of putting a stop to toby and avery's relationship which like said earlier pisses me off). from what i remember, he didn't really do anything else and i sort of understand where he was coming from (getting revenge on tobias) but what he did is still horrible and taking his anger towards tobias out on a teenage girl is just weird to me.

skye. i find her character sort of interesting but she is a horrible mother towards her sons. she's also a huge pick me bc who sleeps with their sister's boyfriend. she also tried to get avery killed which is just a no no. this is sort of off topic and i've made a post about this before but she didn't get punished enough for what she did to avery and that is grayson's fault. i talk about it in slightly more detail in this post.

although i knew that avery was hurt by a lot of people in this series, this really showed me exactly how bad it was. there are even more people. literally every person on this list hurt her (directly or indirectly (in emily and vincent's case)). these people either tried to get her killed, messed with her head or both. avery is a girl boss. she deserves better.

#the inheritance games #jameson hawthorne #avery grambs #grayson hawthorne #nash hawthorne #xander hawthorne #libby grambs #skye hawthorne #tobias hawthorne #eve laughlin #emily laughlin #drake sanders hate club #sheffield grayson #ricky grambs

[debbyswritingdepartment]

all i absolutely know is that if you have a child with levi, he will always make sure you and your kid are his main priority, always and forever. it doesn't matter if you two aren't dating anymore, he will make sure to always check on you and the toddler, even if he's seeing someone else.

casual sex was never really his thing, but he's been so stressed lately he gave it a shot. levi was making out with a random woman from the survey corps, just to ease the tension of the last mission. he lets his phone in late night mode, with no sounds. no sounds, except for YOUR number.

his phone rings. “yeah? y/n? is everything okay?” — he asks.

“hey, hm... he still has a fever, i don't know what else to do.” — your voice is clearly broken, you're about to cry.

“levi...?” — the woman asked.

“sorry, are you with someone else? i didn't-” — you say.

“shut up, i'm coming over. is the brat still breathing? did you bathe him with warm water?” — levi asks through the phone, wearing some pants and sliding a shirt on.

“yeah, i checked his temperature and gave him the baby proteins. but he refuses to breastfeed. i'm worried.” — your voice breaks down.

“i'll be there in ten.” — he turns off the phone.

levi grabs his keys and opens the door, “hey? what about me? are you leaving us for that woman?” — the girl asks.

“there's no us, get out of my bed, get dressed and leave.” — levi closed the door.

you're cooing with the little one who's been sneezing and whining. you've been humming a sweet melody to him, kissing his hands and caressing him when you hear the door opening. you and levi have the key of each other's places in case the baby needs both of you.

“hey, how's the little brat?” — levi's gaze softened as he walked towards you both.

“i calmed him down a little but the fever is not gone.” — you sniff.

levi extended his arms gently and grabbed the baby, holding him close to his chest.

“you've been pestering mom, hm? she's gonna get tired.” — levi cooed gently, rocking the crying baby.

levi started shushing the baby, his lips on his head as he rocked him gently. after two hours, it was 4 am and you guys finally gave him the baby proteins and medicines, and his temperature was slowly going back to normal. the baby was now falling asleep peacefully in levi's embrace.

“sorry for calling you so out of the blue.” — you whisper.

��don't apologize.” — levi chuckled.

“weren't you with someone else?” — you ask.

“yeah, but i don't give a damn about anything else when you guys need me.” — levi states.

you stare up at him, but his eyes are on the sleeping baby.

“i know what you're thinking. you didn't bother me, you never will. you are the mother of my child, i will always put you and him first, no matter what. you guys are my priority since the day you told me you were pregnant and will always be.” — levi whispered.

you feel your eyes start getting watery. you sigh.

“it's been so... lonely. i have him but at the same time i don't have anyone. and i called you in the middle of the night because i didn't know what to do with my own son. i-” — your tears roll down.

levi slowly opens one of his arms to pull you into his chest, and kisses your forehead.

“he's also mine. we're both wrapped around him forever, right? you can and shall always count on me. i will always come for you. even if we're not together, we are a family, okay? we always will be. you're an amazing mother. i see what you're doing, how hard you're trying and giving all of you. if anything, i owe you an apology for getting you pregnant.” — levi whispers, holding you close.

“thanks for never leaving me.” — you cry against his chest.

“i could never.”

“but what about that girl? i didn't mean to-”

“fuck her. i don't care. as long as i'm with you guys, i don't need anyone else. we might not be together anymore, y/n, but you will always be the woman of my life.” — levi kisses your forehead.

“you know i love you, right?” — you whisper.

“i love you more.” — he whispers.

the baby slowly shifts, his little hands wrapping around a strand of your hair and levi's shirt, as he squeaked while sleeping.

you smile and look down at the baby, then look up back at levi, who smiles at both of you.

“but i love the little one even more, much more.” — levi chuckles.

“he's my everything.” — you smile.

you guys spent a few more minutes cuddling as levi finally places the baby in his crib. you suggest for him to stay over. the next morning the baby is so much better, you guys play with him, take care of him and spend the day together, the day that turned into a week that turned into a month and suddenly, you're carrying levi's second child.

#aot #attack on titan #captain levi #levi ackerman #levi aot #shingeki no kyojin #snk levi #snk #levi attack on titan #levi shingeki no kyojin #levi ackerman fanfiction #dad levi #levi smut #levi fanfiction

[libraryofneith]

Out of Mind - Chapter 10 (Joel Miller x Female Reader)

@hiroikegawa @evyiione @orcasoul @taz-97

I'm baaaaaack! Apologies for yet another delay but I have finished my finals, all set to graduate (hopefully) and that means I have more time for you lovely people. Thank you once again for your patience, please enjoy. Also I'm going to compile a series list with all the chapters since some seem to be harder to find than others.

If anyone else wants to be the first to know when this fic is updated let me know and I'll add you to the taglist.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9

Summary: You and Joel deal with the fallout of what happened with Marcus

Warnings: [whole fic is 18+ minors DNI], it puts its age in the bio or it gets the block button, cursing, allusions to PTSD due SA but no actual descriptions of SA, hurt/comfort, Joel is nice for once

You wanted to push him away, to fight him, to tell him to go to hell, but the warmth encompassing you, the soothing words in your ear and the smooth circles on the small of your back were too good to resist.

You

You were on your back. That much you knew. You were in utter darkness, couldn't even see your hand in front of your face, the oppressive weight of nothing surrounding you. There were only two things you knew: you were lying on your back, and somebody's hands were on you. You tried to crawl away but they snuck around your waist and pulled you back. In the darkness you could hear voices whispering.

This'll go a lot easier if you don't fight back…

I'm gonna enjoy this so much more…

This'll go a lot easier…

Sweetheart…

Don't fight back…

Don't…

Fight back…

Hands were grabbing your shoulders now and shaking you violently. You tried to scream, to tell them to stop but your throat was raw and nothing would come out. Instead you thrashed wildly, hands flailing everywhere, connecting with something - chest, arms, face? You didn't care you just wanted out. Then you heard another voice in the darkness.

Kid. Stop.

You turned away, the fear replaced by anger burning hot and sore in your chest. You didn't want him either.

It's OK.

The voice was so soft and so close, right in your ear. You shook your head, your hands still flailing in the dark, looking for anything to grasp, then they found two other hands, holding yours in a firm but gentle grip.

I'm here.

I don't want you here was what you wanted to say, but when you tried to speak nothing came out but sobs, and suddenly you could feel heat and moisture on your face as tears gushed out of your eyes.

Arms were encircling you now and you could feel a hand rubbing slow and even circles on your back. You knew who it was. As the blackness gave way to dark blue, white, grey and the nothingness became trees and bushed and rocks, you remembered where you were and who you were with. You wanted to push him away, to fight him, to tell him to go to hell, but the warmth encompassing you, the soothing words in your ear and the smooth circles on the small of your back were too good to resist. So you allowed yourself to fall into his embrace, head resting in the crook of his neck as your tears continued to fall.

"You awake now hon?"

"Shut up."

"OK."

Joel

It wasn't the first time she'd woken him up. That first night after, well, it had happened, she had slammed her sleeping bag down as far away from him as safety would allow and he hadn't objected, even as they fell asleep to the sound of each other's teeth chattering. He'd woken up who-knows-how-long later to the sound of her crying out. He'd jumped up, thinking they were being attacked by infected or more of Marcus' men but instead it was just her crying in her sleep. She looked like she was trying to hit something or someone but her arms were trapped by her sleeping bag.

He hadn't meant to scare her, he just wanted to wake her, or help get her arms free because at this rate she was going to hurt herself. But the minute his hand made contact with her shoulder, her eyes snapped open and her fist made contact with his nose.

"Ow, shit, what was that for?"

"Don't. Touch me" She spat, eyes filled with venom.

"I was only trying to.."

"I don't need your help. I don't want your help. I don't want anything from you." Joel flinched.

Her words had cut him deeper than he'd admit even to himself. But he didn't want to sleep with a broken nose every night so he did as she said, he didn't go near her. Even when the sound of her teeth chattering kept him up, even when she thrashed about so wildly she had bruises the next day, even when he could hear her crying in her sleep, and even when he could see bags under her eyes and her skin grow pale from exhaustion.

Until tonight. He was astonished when she put her sleeping bag next to him, but she'd simply glowered and said "it's too cold to sleep separately. This is just so I don't have to listen to you shivering all night. Got it?" He'd nodded. Got it.

And that's how he'd woken up to an elbow in his gut as she flailed helplessly. He'd tried to leave her alone, but this didn't seem to be going away, and he realised, with a stab of guilt, that it was probably worse because she was making prolonged physical contact for the first time since the attack. And that's when he decided, screw it. He couldn't leave her like this anymore. She could hit him if she wanted, which she did as he tried to wake her up. Shaking her only made it worse so he did the only other thing he could think of, something that he was sure would earn him a verbal or physical lashing later, and he took her into his arms, held her, stroked her back and whispered "it's OK" over and over again until her body relaxed and he could feel a wet patch where her face met his shoulder.

"You awake now hon?"

"Shut up."

"OK."

There she stayed, not saying or doing anything. He wasn't sure what to do, what she wanted, but when he slowed his circles on her back, she mumbled "don't stop" into his chest, so he kept going until her breathing evened out and her quiet snores indicated that she had finally fallen into deep and undisturbed sleep, but even then he didn't stop. He just held her, listening to her snores, crickets chirping, birds starting to sing in the early hours of the morning. He was almost starting to fall asleep himself when he spotted the first snowflake.

Shit.

"Get up." She gave a muffled groan of protest. "C'mon, we gotta move." She blinked slowly then shot up.

"What is it, what's wrong?" Her face was panicked.

"It's just snow. We'll live but we have to keep moving, maybe find some real shelter." If Joel remembered right there was a cabin not too far away that was (usually) abandoned.

She groaned and he could see her trying to gather her strength. That must have been the first decent sleep she'd had in days and he'd cut it short. He placed a hand on her shoulder and she glanced at it but didn't shrug him off.

"I know you're tired but we can't stay." She nodded and took the hand that he offered, allowing him to pull her to her feet. His stomach lurched as she swayed slightly before gathering her things. This was not going to be a good day.

#don't know why but i can see joel using hon #the last of us #hbo the last of us #joel miller #joel miller x reader #joel miller x oc #joel miller x you #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x female oc

[tardis--dreams]

Some of those doctors make hating oat milk their entire personality. I hate them. Cannot pretend to find them funny or like i give a shit. Fucking pretentious assholes

#also my colleague (the girl i had my shift with) is the exact opposite of me in all aspects. asked me if I'd ever worked in customer service #because i couldn't care less about being fake friendly to assholes and don't care if they like the service or not #like bitch those people don't have any other choice but drink our fucking coffee it's not like I'm competing with anyone #or like they pay us in any way. i get paid for doing the dumb work i have to do not for stroking some dumb ass doctors' egos #they come out of their rooms once an hour to get coffee and we have the cups on the table and i wouldn't even Think of #HANDING them the cups and smiling sweetly at them and asking 'coffee? tea?? :))' #I'll just assume these grown adults will get their stupid coffee or tea when they want some. it's not like they don't know where it is #(and i AM friendly and smile when someone is coming in our direction but why the fuck do you need to get so disgustingly friendly with them #if someone held up a cup asking if i.want some coffee I'd leave immediately even if i came just for coffee. it's creepy) #anyway. she's nice. I'm not. #there's normal people who will get their coffee and maybe ask if the milk in the little jug is cow milk to which I'll happily reply 'yes #:)'. then there's the other people who see the oat milk and make it clear they are the most insufferable people on the planet #(and i pity their patients so much. not much to choose from i guess but if i had that as a doctor I'd happily just die) #like everyone who took oatmilk could do it without making a fuss about the cow milk on the table. the cow milk lovers could never #'the oat milk is in front of the actual milk. this is unacceptable. i hate such healthy bullshit' lol okay #'OAT milk?? I'll leave this to the horses! THANK GOD you have actual milk!' #my favorite was the one who really took personal offense with its sheer presence. as if it had killed half of his patients lmao #'we had 50 patients with xyz problem. ALL of them drink oat milk. they cannot see the connection. it's really unhealthy' #at this point i just said i didn't care and stopped paying attention and he started complaining to his doctor colleague about how #oat milk is advertised to be healthy and how it's actually the opposite and i just find that very funny compared to the first comment #from that one guy who doesn't like such healthy bullshit. you guys need to find a consensus on the oatmilk issue i think. no one takes you #seriously if you contradict yourself like this. also i couldn't care less about the healthiness of the milk alternative of my choice. bitch. #next week I'll end up killing someone. i hope they all die from their cow milk. (but not the ones who took cow milk and didn't say anything #about the oat milk. they can continue living as they didn't annoy me) #void screams #some of these doctors were actually quite nice (most of them even). one even brought an applicant to us telling her to get some coffee #(which we are not allowed to give to applicants. but i don't care. I'd rather they get something than some of the asshole jury members #who hate oat milk (which is not the issue. the issue is them making it everybody else's issue that they don't like oat milk))

[deanpinterester]

sometimes i think about the time i failed a midterm (and i mean failed in a literal sense, not like "aw i got a B+") while i was in an enriched high school program where everyone else was getting A's. in hindsight it should have been clear i needed help and i was struggling. but all the teacher said was to try harder next time

#uhhhh me #when i say i hated high school i'm usually just taklking abt the years i was in this program lol #i don't even know how i got in. i felt so alone when my grades couldn't match up to everyone else's #i didn't know how i was supposed to talk to my classmates about it because they all seem to just Get it and i just didn't #AND LIKE. i didn't even get a stern talking to by the teachers or principal or anyone #teacher just said 'wow you really don't like this class huh' as she handed the test back to me #and i had to seek her out MYSELF afterward to ask how i could make up my grades #genuinely wondering if a student's grade suddenly dropped like that isn't it a cause for worry #or had my grades been slipping so casually that they just assumed i was slacking off #oh ya to be clear it wasn't like something bad happened in my personal life or anything #i just had a rly rly hard time focusing on subjects i couldn't logic my way through (that being history and english) #(math was easy to get through bc there are formulas) #eventually i did figure out a way to properly study for tests #but like. i feel like the teacher upon seeing my failing grade could have offered me some studying strategies? idk #i don't rly resent her for it but at the same time. WOWIE that was such a shitty time in high school

[beeseverywhen]

god the duality between 'I don't want someone in my house' and 'yeah I'd like my own kids and no way I'm doing that alone'

#like ppl who don't want kids should be free to live their lives without ppl being like 'watch out! your biological clock is ticking!' #that's bullshit ppl shouldn't say that. but also. i would like kids and #after so many years trying not to get pregnant and that seeming like a worst case scenario. so desperately wanting to not become my parents #now i am an age where I'd happily have a kid if i were in the right life situation & i don't feel I've got all the time in the world anymore #lol like. the space in between 'too young to have a baby' and 'old enough that i risk more health issues/ will be an older parent' #feels way way narrower than i ever would have assumed lol. esp. because all the parents in my family are so young. the idea of being an #older parent is so strange to me. I'm so aware of the things you can't do when you're older and how it's harder work to run after them #and like my body is already wearing out way faster than anyone elses. my health's only gonna get worse so. #being an older parent just doesn't seem an option. not to mention like. the older i am the less generations I'll get to see. #i want to be a great grandmother damnit. lol. #like I'm on a clock. to get over my commitment issues or it legit won't happen. but yeah. can't think of anything worse than having #to have someone in my house. if i was rich enough to have lots of space that's one thing but. I'm not lol. #and rich ppl rub me up the wrong way whenever they try and chat me up so doubt I'm gonna marry in to money looool #like i have come to terms with the fact that. if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen. id rather not get to be a mother than to settle #like that whole 'looking for a partner' dating life is not for me i can't think of anything worse. if it happens it happens #I'll either meet the right person who im willing to give up an empty house for or i won't looool #and it's not like im giving up the whole raising kids thing completely. #like I've got to play a significant hand in raising my siblings even if i didn't ask for that. I've got to see them grow and #help them reach those milestones. and whatever the circumstances I'm blessed to have had them in my life #even if i don't have my own kids I'm always gonna have kids in my life even if I'm an aunt rather than grandmother you know #I'm lucky to be in a family where raising kids is a communal thing. but yeah id love to have my own kids & have someone that looks like me #but I'm not willing to bring someone in to the world in non opportune circumstances deliberately. #like if it's up to me i want them to have 2 parents to look out for them and 2 parents that at least stand a chance of liking each other lol

[unproduciblesmackdown]

no, More active effort, More conscious consideration

#boo we HATE your [the implicit perspective that anything taking less effort / less thought is Good / an Improvement] #and it's like Getting Good at anything. Some element does become easier to navigate successfully? #great so now you can forever move on to devoting more conscious effort to Another element / really further evolutions of the same process #build on whatever understanding. if you realize something you thought was Correct seems not to be? #congratulations: it was inaccurate / too limited all along but now You know that. Better #thinking about [effort] thinking about [communication] means emitting a psychic blast doing all the Languaging of honing ideas #and b/c interactions are two way streets you get no guarantee anyone will listen / put effort into considering what they're picking up #it's a delight when someone Does happen to feel you're worth effort but everyone could be doing that on principle. they are not lol. #some actually not [jfc] comment on an akd interview like #they speak w/such precision they're used to not being listened to or understood like #well we'd have to ask them ofc but i won't even argue w/that concept lol #having One Chance To Get A Word In Ever like but you don't really when ppl misunderstand you which is an inevitability #and then made more likely by any number of factors. including not considering you worth the effort of Trying to understand #if they misinterpreted what you're conveying no they didn't; that's just What You Meant. double empathy style #gotta be out here figuring out The Approach when the outlier is ppl who do Not [only think you're worth effort as An Obstacle] #alleging how when you like urself you will now Earn Friends like the more i respect myself the more idc if i'm Interpersonally Beliked #the interpersonal relationship that Is guaranteed relevant of ''we're both people in the world & so already in relation in just that way'' #i love to Socialize by being in public ''alone'' like clearly no i'm not & like getting to take up my bit of space / do my bit of a thing #while this fits into everyone else also having their presence; doing their thing; is >>>>> being with a group as its nth wheel for no reaso #the effort of what communication works w/what person in what situation #the effort of what navigation of the inherent mutual effect of your sharing [whatever System (like; physics style)] works out best / better #when ppl imagining this are still limiting it to Certain Interactions b/w everyone anytime as the ''ideal''.... #sesame street was out here like. sometimes there's people wanting to be alone / who are ''unfriendly'' & they're still part of things #once again it's like kermit thee frog knows what's up. mister macabee old timey barkeep what should i do #furiosa as well lmao i should watch fury road again. i can sense it #you can't have much of a chitchat with her. and yet

[depresseddepot]

so like. after i realized i had adhd it felt like my adhd got worse bc i was seeing symptoms everywhere, but it was really just bc i was paying full attention to it for the first time. now that i know i have autism too, it's doing the same thing, where i feel like its getting worse and harder to manage so i'm going to have to get really good at acting really quickly or i'm going to have to figure out how to not have a mental breakdown when my masking isn't working like it's supposed to

#i know nobody asked but. ive been out of sorts for the last month now #im also trying to keep this relatively light hearted but uh. uh! i don't know anymore if my personality is something i made up or not! #my sense of self is completely tied to my ability to mask and adapt to social situations i don't understand and it isn't working right now! #who am i outside of this construct!! bc right now i feel like im 10 years old again wearing the costume of a 21 year old!!!! #have i really not progressed past that!!!!!!! has all of my efforts just been to improve this fucking shell and not who i actually am!!!! #anyway. light hearted. #i hoping this is just exacerbated by current events and not like. the way my life will be from now on #i repressed that shit so desperately and hated myself so much i didn't even stop to think that maybe it was something i couldn't change #ive always been too slow at changing behaviors or too hard to understand etc etc #so i just repressed everything that was making me that way and somehow came to believe they were personal faults and not. u know. symptoms. #cant look anyone in the eye and am so tense in public settings i get exhausted right away from sheer exertion? #yeah that must be normal. im just a piece of shit who can't grow up and am so stupid my peers are passing me by ♡ /s #can't do anything new socially like making a phone call unless i see someone else do it first so i can copy their words and make a script? #yeah its definietly normal to have a social ability completely made up of patchwork quotes /s #and get paralyzed when someone asks something The Script can't answer bc you don't know how to use your own words #hmm. hmm! i hate myself (and i hate living here ♡)

[featherymainffins]

Family is clearly just prolonging my and my mother's misery by forcing me to text her on special occasions and send her gifts, which is giving her false hope that her only boxing bag might come back and endure whatever she decides to take out on it again.

#if it were up to me I'd block her number and never even hear anything about her again #she made her choices and I swear to god i tried to be a good daughter and take them #when university told me that we should try to stay in contact with people in cults because it's much harder to get out without #a support system i tried to take it because of that if nothing else. i told myself that I'll take it. that I'll take it because maybe one #day she'll want out. i tried to. #maybe I didn't try hard enough I don't know. and if that's right then the universe can add it to my endless list of sins which makes me #not a human. the universe can add it to the list of reasons for why I'll never lead a happy life and why I'm better off dead. #that's what I've been told when i was growing up after all. #i tried to but it's just. it's her life or mine. and if she were mean just to me I'd let her take it. if it were just me I'd let her say all #those horrible things to me and I'd stand there and let her punch my limbs until they go numb like i always have #and I'd let her tell me that nobody will ever love me and I'd let her do her invasive checks of my body and I'd let her have those #episodes of searching through my entire room and breaking into my accounts to see if I'm saying anything about her ever to anyone #and calling my doctors and telling them that I'm crazy and not to believe a word i say. #I'd let her do all that as i always have. but she's horrible to my friends and horrible to strangers and it's just too much for me. #I don't want to hear that my friend killed herself in vain and I don't want to hear that you'll never use her name because #'it was just a year before he offed himself so it doesn't count.' #I don't want to hear any of it. i don't want to hear that all my friends hate me and I don't want to hear how horrible they are #and i don't want to hear slurs you use against them and I don't want to hear you say those things about random people you #meet on the street and i don't want to hear you passing moral judgement on strangers because of the way they do their hair #or the way they dress or the way they were born. #I don't want to hear that all my friends with tattoos are rotten and that cancer awaits them as punishment #I don't want to hear any of it. I'm sick of it. i don't want to hear 'youre a censoring bootlicker' whenever i say that i would like you #to tone it down. 'its my opinion. i have a right to free speech.' free speech is not saying that my friends should die.

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

I mean I'm not goin back to him I'm not(!!!) but at this point I got no idea why

Literally just screaming into the fucking void

He already broke me to the point where all the shit he's said are my only core beliefs n even if I try to shut down the voice in my head repeatin it all I still believe every damn word

So no matter how long I cut him off for it's always there just the same. But no one else can always be there to make it go away. W/ him I at least go from a total waste of oxygen to the one thing I'll ever be any good for. It's an upgrade I can almost live with.

So what's the point? What do I or anyone gain from me stayin away?

I've been tryin so fucking hard n it's just not getting any easier. I don't know where to put all this fucking self loathing, I can't keep pouring it onto other people. I always need to keep so damn much inside n some of it still spills out n that's already bordering on too much. I don't wanna be a burden. I know everyone is, to some extent, but not like this. Not all the time. Plus they have something to give in return, I only have things no one else wants, just Val's happy to take em if offered.

I still feel the pull all the fucking time. It's like the chain he used to have around my neck but I know he's not doin the pulling, he doesn't care if he has me or not anymore. It's all me now. I'm the one who keeps wanting to go back. The rational part of me is screaming no cause I know he'll just hurt me n find new ways to cut even deeper but. What's left that he hasn't already done?

Maybe this time he'll make the feelings n the noise go away. Maybe this time he'll make it all quiet.

#i know i can't expect anyone else to save me that's something i'm supposed to do myself but #what if i can't? i don't know how to #best i've managed is a somewhat stable daily life but that relies on practically zero triggers n i don't actually get anything done ever #there's no progress. none. it's just me drowning out the noise w/ distractions n booze #everyone i see struggling w/ this shit that's made actual progress has made it w/ the type of healing experiences i can't seem to find #n cause it's all just pseudomemories n shit we can't really even unpack it in therapy cause it doesn't rly get to the real causes #it's always just 'have you had experiences in real life where someone made you feel like this?' #i don't know!! we don't have our actual trauma memories!!! #i just. i wish i didn't need so goddamn much more than what's reasonable to ask of anyone. #i wish i wasn't wired so completely fucking wrong i can't have those needs met #i wish i wasn't so fucking worthless. only ever barely keepin my head above water. #i tried to list any skills/positive traits/things i like about myself n the only thing i could come up w/ is i give great head #n i guess the way i'll let you act out any fucked up fantasy on me if you don't mind that i cry or dissociate #but i don't have anythin else to give. my body's all i have to offer n it's not even a very good one anymore #i still wish someone would use it. make me feel like i still have a use. give me some way to make up for even fucking existing #i guess i was doin some good back when i still let val take all his aggressions out on me so he had an outlet aside from doll #i'd be ok w/ him just usin me but he's always so fucking cruel about it. #i really really really wanna cut but he'd be so fucking angry i'm scared of what he'd do #i just. can't someone just fucking use me. do whatever you want to my body n tell me i'm not a waste of space cause i make you feel good #tell me i'm a good boy #spdrvent

[defiant-firefly]

(I've had my chatty medicines so you get a post about this)

There is something distinctly and uniquely alienating and bizarre about hearing people say 'Easter Sunday is the most religious day of the year'. Like, when was this?? If it's so religious and so so so important, how come no one thought to tell me it was religious until like four or five years ago?

Yeah it's kinda funny but I'm also sat there every time like "what the fuck are you talking about". The assumption I was raised Christian and am Christian via culture is really funny though cause like. Bro I have no fucking clue what any of this stuff is about.

My parents never taught me the majority of this shit. Anyone else assumed I already knew about it. This Easter talk I've been hearing about a weird amount more than normal is all new to me and making me think of all this shit lmao

#no I'm not joking about only realising it was religious a handful of years back #but it IS weird to see people talk about what MUST be my default beliefs given my country and just #very little of it being true?? I don't see a lot of this talk at the moment I just heard my dad talking about easter and it got me thinking #so don't mind me really but like. #as an example of what I mean. its assumed christian cultures push the belief of going to heaven when you die #it's probably true! but not for me. I was raised to belief that when you died you became a star in the sky #specifically on the first night you were the brightest star in the sky so everyone could see you #APPARENTLY this is greek?? I dunno man but it's not heaven lmao #there were loads of little every day things I remember seeing a while back that were listed as this stuff too #and I don't remember them at all but there were only a few there that I recognised as my own beliefs #i feel like i was raised culturally... i guess blank? so I picked up my own beliefs over time?? #does that make sense?? is that a thing?? actually wondering if it's just me that gets this #cause it was only two years ago I found out valentines was a saints thing #wondering if anyone else was just raised with a 'I dunno its whatever' thing instead of a culturally religious thing #cause it IS weird seeing posts treating this knowledge as something everyone has I dunno #but ANYWAY it's funny sitting there while people are stunned you didn't know about the 'most religious day of the year' #my mans my only religious experiences were very VERY brief and I was mostly annoyed I couldn't eat the gummy bears on the impaled orange #what in the fuck is that about btw??? honestly what's the deal with that one??? #why is there a whole service revolving around an orange with a bunch of cocktail sticks in it??? #I don't even remember when that was I think it was end of the year time or something??? #there was nothing to do so obviously my child self wasn't interested at all in anything but the orange #I need to look this up now I guess but without the context I'm supposed to have apparently this genuinely sounds batshit insane #I don't remember what I was talking about imma hit post and forget this whole thing and not reread anything #firefly life #<- probably. I don't remember

[knaveofmogadore]

Kfkdks

#messages from knave #im making breakfast and im gonna list my observations from three years of weird living situations #younger siblings of big age gaps will see most interactions as a form of soft combat until trained out of it #but when actual clmbat happens they're used to not having any sway so they don't actually know how to act in arguments #siblings with codependent relationships have their own internal langauge that they apply to others. not sure if they realize they do it #but they'll hold you to the same rules they've mentally created for each other without explaining them #siblings of ALL stripes will approach situations with a set idea of how communication works. and even if it's not a logical way to communica #they'll expect you to also communicate in that way. and if you can't or refuse they'll shut down and communication stalls completely because #they can't fathom doing it any other way except the way they and their siblings socialized each other to do it #siblings with adversarial relationships don't take outside advice and will take attempts to give advice as manipulative. not their fault #oldest siblings are the most conflict averse people on the planet. oldest sinlings say #'is anyone gonna balloon this situation out of proportion by avoiding it for as long as possible' and not wait for an answer #siblings who were regularly appointed as hall monitors will see any interaction with you as transactional #a hallmark of a dysfunctional sibljng relationship is someone who thinks telling you NO is worse than going through a situation they do not #wanna be in. and then they'll complain about it endlessly #and then they'll be like 'i don't want favours from my parents because they'll hold it over me' and never make the connection on their own #people cannot anticipate your needs with their minds. they are sometimes going to ask you to be a part of things you don't wanna #you're NEVER gonna be able to live in a world where people will stop asking you to be a part of things that's not feasible #had one say once 'people should just know not to ask me along for plans I can't get to people should know not to invite me' #and you know dude that's just now how stuff works. there's a difference between 'x cant drive so they can't help me move my dresser' and #'i know xs work schedule so i shouldnt infomr them of group plansnon the off chance they could make it so they don't feel left out' #people with hyper competitive siblings can't fathom that other people won't know how to do stuff. i don't just mean athletes but siblings #with that scarcity mindsetnin general like they can't handle people not having the same knowledge base they have. it's a survival thing #and NO having a life of suffering doesn't make you correct all the time has literally anyone else watched heathers #youngest siblings always have the most deranged dating stories and the oldest in a set of age gap siblings always has the WORST taste in men #< that's directed at my sister and no one else that's a personal diss not a real observation #only children have one thing. theyre SUPER weird about splitting the grocery bill #food is NOT communal to only children I've learned firsthand. Also they'll be perfectly fine sharing anything else BUT food usually #weed. loans. bathroom supplies. dishes. ect. but NOT food #meanwhile sibljngs are a little TOO comfortable chowing down on stuff they didn't buy. bad roommates are bad roommates