#Ohh I’m so worthless and horrible | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pretty-chaotic-world · 7 months

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if my BPD can scream

1. I wish i could have a normal love... but no, my brain wants to worship every little detail of you until it drives me insane

2. sorry i pushed you away i felt abandoned and suicidal

3. I’m sick of going to bed and knowing things won’t be better tomorrow

4. I'll ask you thousands times if you really love, please don't get annoyed

5. I'll create "drama" and mishaps only to feel like I'm in home

6. i’m afraid that one day my anger will overshadow the little love i still have left for the world

7. I feel numb. No tears, no anger, nothing. Just going through the same day again and again. I would rather just sleep without waking up.

8. I'm so tired of everytime one small argument or inconvenience breaks out I want to end it and self destruct, it's so draining.

9. I want to stop feeling anything and when i actually don't it breaks my heart but I can't cry it out.

10. "its all in your head" well duh where tf else is it gonna be??? in my fucking kidneys????

11. I am constantly between wanting people to care about me and wanting them not to so I can hurt myself without feeling guilty

12. Psychiatrist told me there is no cure for bpd and I've to change myself. Well why cant they just let me die then?

13. Until you live with bpd you'll never know what it's like to be too much and not enough at the same time.

14. i know im constantly too much for everyone but sometimes i just want to be enough for someone

15. if he will leave me, my next diagnosis will be of "sociopath"

16. im so jealous of all the people who see him and touch him and talk to him every single day it should be me me me me

17. oh I got my hair coloured. why? because I can't hurt myself anymore

18. "you're so distant" because you can't handle my abandonment issues.

19. My younger self disappoint me a lot. like why were you begging people to stay in your life? ohh no worries I know the answer

20. I wanna throw a plate against the wall, stab a knife through my hand, destroy my laptop with a hammer, smash my door in with an axe and spray graffiti all over the walls of my room

21. Why shouldn’t I be mad? Why can’t I just be angry and be allowed to feel it? Why can’t I burn everything down?

22. I have to watch my mouth every fucking second to make sure I don't destroy every relation I have coz apparently social life matters!!

23. Isnt it fucked up how he got away with every horrible thing he made me experience and I’m the one who has to live with myself feeling absolutely fucking worthless

24. I don't deserve food and love. im a horrible person.

25. this is how my eating cycle goes

feeling weak coz i haven't ate anything -> eat -> purge -> feeling guilty after purging -> eat more -> feeling guilty after eating so much -> cry coz you don't know what's happening

26. the diagnosis makes me believe I'm not insane just lil emo ig!! NOOOO YOU'RE INSANE

27. “don’t let it bother u” baby i’m gonna be bothered by this for the next 10 years

28. if I tell you I love you its equivalent to I can kill someone for you

29. Actually upon further inspection that shit really hurt my feelings

30. I don't dive into insecurity anymore, i drown in self-loathe

31. i shut up in between group convo coz I know I'll talk invaluable shit and nobody really cares what I say until it's psychology class

32. "if you are fully aware of yourself, why do you keep acting like that?" slapping self awareness on top of bpd only grants the ability to watch yourself self-destruct straight from the vip section thats all it does literally

33. “Where do you see yourself in the future” building a cult for mentally ill people

34. ofc I've a praise kind i was ignored as a child

35. I'm much better than I was before. you know why coz I don't to air now and don't see monsters walking by side all the time

36. No I don't want to self harm anymore I need to kill that fucking monster

37. Don't mind me, I'm just casually sabotaging all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesn't feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring

38. i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care (im going to sob my fucking eyes out)

39. “Stop making your disorder your personality” I have a fucking personality disorder for god sake

40. turning my mental illnesses into kinks and calling it the BDSM-5

41. "destroy something precious while you're in rage" ohh yeaa and then I'll do that again and again

42. what I hate most about my BPD is the fact that I have started doubting every emotion that I’ve ever felt in my life, whether it’s love, my grief through multiple traumas, or my anger, & it’s so saddening. It has actually led me to start questioning my reality.

43. if I need medication to stay alive, am I really meant to be here?

44. it's either be alone without 75% of my symptoms, or be with someone and display the most horrendous unstable awful version of myself. why do i have to choose between love & happiness or peace & stability?

45. That fucking bpd rage where everyone's voices makes you want to scream and every noise around you makes you want to sh and you're so mad you can almost feel the cuts everywhere

46. getting worked up to the point of becoming physically ill (throwing up/stomach issues etc) because you felt rejected/abandoned by your favourite person

47. i wish my trauma made me kind as everyone says but i’m becoming what i fear the most- a monster.

48. imagine getting diagnosed with a personality disorder and the only visible representation of that disorder is an animated horse man, a sociopathic sitcom character from philadelphia, and darth vader

#bpd #bpd awareness #personality disorder #borderline personality disorder #mental illness #mental health #mental instability

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singingforthepromises · 3 years

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fruits basket manga lb (ch 115-118)

CH 115

“The feeling... of being left behind.” Oh no.

I actually agree with the maid - Ren IS despicable. She’s horrible. I do think I’m at the point where I dislike her more than Akito, honestly. I at least feel bad for Akito at certain points and it’s growing with each chapter. Ren? She can fuck off, honestly.

“She’s worthless” about Isuzu. Lol shut up bitch

“You’re the one who’s worthless, Ren-san” OH HO SHIGURE WENT THERE

Ren is such a hypocrite. In one breath, she criticizes Akito for holing onto ‘delusions’ when she’s sitting here doing the same shit with Akira.

“She just didn’t want to stop being Akira-san’s ‘number one.’ She’s jealous.” FACTS

Wow she didn’t even hold baby Akito. :/

“The way she is now... whose fault.... is that?” I love that this is being brought up, and I’m gonna talk about it. Akito is a product of her environment, we know this. It’s not surprising that she turned out this way. It’s all she knew. She’s clinging to words that her father told her, to justify her actions and make sense of her existence. Otherwise, in Akito’s eyes, her mom was right about her - and that’s a horrible perspective to have. It’s understandable of course: that is what abused children think. Akito is as much a victim from abuse as any of the others. It’s like this entire series has been a game between Ren and Akito and seeing who the winner will end up being, and damn the collateral picked up along the way.

The way Akito is now.... it’s mostly her own fault, but it’s ALSO Ren’s, Shigure’s, Kureno’s, the maids, the entire Sohma family’s. They all either directly caused this behavior or were content to let it continue. Or they simply chose not to try and get her help or direct her something more positive. I blame Kureno less than I do the others, because he was as much as a victim as everyone else, in his own way. Shigure I do hold responsible because even though he’s under the curse too, he knew Akito best, knew her entire situation, and is still comfortable talking to and fraternizing with Ren.

At the end of the day though, Akito’s decisions are her own, and until she owns up to it and changes her ways, she’s the same as her mother. I feel much more for her now as opposed to when I first started the manga and anime, but she’s still got a ways to go for me. We’ll see by the end where I stand on her.

One thing I know for sure: Ren is an irredeemable piece of shit.

Okay, let me address this scene with Akira and Akito. I totally get where he’s coming from, being a loving father to his daughter that is treated like crap by her own mother. She deserves this warmth and care from her parents, even if from just one. But I feel like this approach, the way he explained her destiny to her, was part of the problem. One parent was overly loving and wanted to give the child everything and told her how important she was and the other was cruel and cold. Akira needed to let Akito know the meaning of the word “no.” Not to be harsh, or cruel to her, but to let her know that the Zodiacs are people too, and they can’t be sentenced to a life of imprisonment with her just because she is their God. That if she treats them right, they’ll be close and bonded, but allowed to live lives of their own. It doesn’t mean that she’s been abandoned, or that no one wants to be with her. Healthy relationships can exist from a distance, and that was not expressed by anyone in Akito’s life. It certainly explains her terror when thinking they’re all going to leave her, or she’s told that they’re going to.

OH SHIT OH MSJFSFJS DID THAT JUST HAPPEN

MOMIJI’S CURSE

IT JUST BROKE

IM SOBBING MY BEAUTIFUL BOY IS FREE

CH 116

Momiji is walking past his mom’s house? I’m upset

Ohh boy here comes Akito

I do feel bad for her... it’s sad, because she’s brought all of this on herself, and to a degree, it’s karma. But at the same time, I can’t help but feel bad.

Momiji realizing that Akito is weak and has no power over him anymore.... wow, we love to see it.

omg are Haru and Yuki realizing it???

Tohru blushing at seeing Kyo!!

Momiji watching her! ;A;

“Well... you know, right?” AHHHHHHH HE SAID IT

Oh, Momiji did go talk to Akito again...

“Akito, I can’t spend the rest of my life at your side.” YES MY BOY

Okay here she goes, slapping him. And she’s rubbing salt in the wound, lashing out because of her own pain... and Momiji is bigger than that, better than that. The fact that he’s admitting that nothing will go back to how it was, that breaking from the curse is just as much a curse as actually being under one... that’s truly sad. I hadn’t thought of the bond as a beautiful thing in a while, but I see the potential it could’ve had TO be. They were united by something that could’ve been beautiful. To an extent, in between all of the horror that came with it, it was.

“I’m going to walk my own path.” I AM SO PROUD OF YOU

“How about you? How long are you going to stay HERE?” I love this question for many reasons, but mostly because it shows that Momiji still cares about Akito and wants her to be happy, too.

I respect that Akito isn’t trying to stop him even further with more violence or more demeaning words. I don’t know if Momiji’s words are having an impact and she’s starting to realize what she’s caused, or if she’s internally about to have a meltdown and do something much worse, but for the moment, I like that she isn’t lashing out at him much more.

CH 117

Oh, we’re paralleling mother relationships with Tohru and Akito, are we? They really are foils of one another.

You’ll get another chance, Tohru!!

Damn Ren is legit awful.

“This thing?! It was just a toy to pass the time!” Oh, okay. Explains the “you’re just a toy for me to play with” from little Akito to Yuki. Was this the moment she snapped in the room and painted it black? Was this the precursor? And she repeated those awful words her mother said to her?

“It meant that I could show off...in front of that woman.” Yep, called it.

Holy shit she’s becoming aware... “I forced them to stay.”

“I had faith that no one could split us apart.” So Tohru being involved was so Akito could show Ren that no one could interfere with her bond to the Zodiac. I hate saying that Ren was right, but... it’s true. And like the sad thing is, in this case, the bond SHOULD be severed, because it’s unhealthy for everyone involved, including Akito. But I relate to Akito here: I wouldn’t want my abuser to be proven ‘right’, either.

Ren is insane

I do appreciate the maids being kind to little Akito. It’s just an unfortunate situation. All of the wrong words in the wrong kind of environment, not knowing how much to support someone without supporting them TOO much to the point of enablement...

CH 118

Is Akito actually gonna kill Ren? I’m not opposed to that honestly.

HIRO

HE’S HOLDING HIS BABY SISTER!!!

DID HIS CURSE BREAK?!

YESSSS

That’s two Zodiacs down! oh my god it’s actually HAPPENING.

“No one ever gave me a different way to live!” I mean, Akito is not wrong. She’s justifying her actions, but at the same time, she has a point. Everyone around her allowed this. Like I said: at the end of the day, she’s responsible for her own actions and she needs to own up to them and not shift the blame to everyone except herself. Hold everyone else just as responsible, yes: but admit your own faults.

SHE JUST STABBED KURENO

JFC

Come on, Akito. You could’ve made a good decision right there, Kureno is willing to help you with the change. But unless you actively want to, nothing will happen.

Is Kureno actually going to die??? omg. This was the quick moment from the trailer with the knife, right? Holy shit.

“So then what? It’s MY fault?” YES. YES, it IS! It’s your mother’s, and Kureno’s, and Shigure’s and the Sohma’s too - but it is YOUR fault with how you continue to treat people.

“Where are they all going to go?” as she thinks of Tohru.

Oh god

oh fuck

Akito, I’m being more sympathetic to you, but if you hurt Tohru again, it’s OVER.

Kyoru!!

“Kyo-kun... there’s something... I need to tell you.” OH MY GOD HERE WE GO HERE SJFJSFJSFJSJFSJFSF

#fruits basket #fruits basket spoilers #fruits basket manga spoilers #fruits basket manga #liveblogging

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feynavaley · 5 years

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K, T, and U :)

Thank you so much for the questions! 😊(list here)

K: What’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with?

Well… I’m not really good at angst because, while I like to make my characters suffer, I also like to end on a hopeful/positive note. So, the angst is never too bad. 😅

That said, I guess the worst idea I toyed with was a story set in a war scenario, where the opposing forces (the humans on that side, actually) are trying to capture America to cripple the nation’s military power. (Not knowing that personifications aren’t actually vital at all to a nation’s military.) After an ambush that leaves America unconscious and Canada injured, Canada, believing to be less important than America, swaps their uniforms and leads their captors on a chase away from America. Due to his injuries, Canada is eventually captured. Afterwards, Canada is tortured for information as he’s believed to be America, while America cannot divert all his energies to finding and rescuing Canada because he still has his duty and people to think of. This leaves him feeling torn and guilty. In the meantime, Canada’s captors discover his true identity and stop the interrogation but not the torture, using him instead for some experiments on personifications’ physiology (their healing and immortality). America eventually finds out where Canada is being held. Seeing the condition Canada is in, he gives himself up in exchange for Canada – but their enemies don’t keep their words and keep both of them. Canada gets tortured in front of him to convince America to spill information he doesn’t even have (even in canon, America isn’t privy to all the decisions of his government) and he couldn’t give anyway, because his people are more important than a personification who cannot even be killed and will eventually recover, no matter how much he’s tortured. Canada can still feel pain, however, so it’s horrible for America. On the other hand, Canada feels like he’s too weak and worthless because he didn’t manage to escape on his own, which lead to America being put in danger (and basically nullified Canada’s initial sacrifice) and suffering by witnessing Canada being tortured. America and Canada would manage to break free, of course, (courtesy of America, mostly) but the rest of the story would deal with the struggles both of them face recovering from such a traumatic experience, with a lot of difficulties and setbacks. I don’t actually think I will write it, though – I’m afraid I would end up not being able to deal with such heavy themes in a satisfactory way, and I don’t want to make light of them.

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

Ohh boy that’s a heavy one. There’s a lot of stuff that really gets on my nerves on the long run, haha.

Before I write my answer, however, I want to specify that these are just my personal preferences. I’m writing them down because that’s what I have been asked – but I would never dream of dictating what other people can or cannot do. If I don’t like something, I just avoid reading it and keep quiet, I would never complain to the author about it. These are just very personal opinions of mine.

I have already talked about it [x] [x] so I won’t dwell too much on this, but I really don’t like how many people turn Canada into an edgy asshole. Why can’t nice characters just be nice?

I also hate when people behave like it’s canon that Canada is a stoner, when it’s not. In canon, he consumed marijuana exactly once, and his reaction and strong embarrassment afterwards hint that he strongly regretted it. I really don’t think he ever repeated the experience. (Not to mention how being a stoner would clash with his sensible, hard-working, and selfless personality.)

I don’t understand why people take the few times America displayed some insecurities as undeniable proof that the other 99% of the time he was positive and confident was all fake, and he actually has major depression issues and no self-esteem at all. I mean… people can be more complex than that. Why should all be fake? A person with a healthy self-esteem can still have some insecurities – and some moments of insecurity don’t mean that a generally positive attitude is completely fake (actually, even people with major self-esteem issues can retain a positive attitude – see Canada – so I think this last part is even more of a stretch). Of course, it is a possible interpretation, but it irks me when people claim it’s the only right one. Actually, I think that being so overconfident yet well-meaning and, in particular, always able to keep a positive outlook, is what makes America such an endearing character.

This is a very small pet-peeve – but in canon, there’s no FACE family. Not in colonial times, especially. So, I’m always a bit baffled when people write France and England living with America and Canada like a small, happy family in colonial times and consider it canon instead of the AU/canon-divergence it actually is.

Always about America and Canada, I don’t dig the ‘America and Canada are the children of Native America’ interpretation. First of all, why would there be a single personification of Native America? I might be wrong, but I’m pretty sure there should be different personifications for the different peoples of Native Americans… Moreover, whether you consider it rightful or not (I’m not discussing this, but the canon portrayal) I think it’s pretty clear Himaruya wrote America and Canada as initially representing the cultural and political establishment of the coloners in North America… that, as far as I know, didn’t really have strong ties with the indigenous populations. That’s why America and Canada look Caucasian – and why it makes sense for them to be, too. Now, they represent all the different peoples in their countries and there is a lot of diversity, but they were born representing a much smaller (and less diverse) group so those were the features and ethnicity they mirrored.

Romano being part of the mafia. a) This statement goes against canon; b) Maybe I’m oversensitive, but considering the personification of South Italy as siding with the mafia for shit and giggles feels really disrespectful to all the people of South Italy who are struggling to fight against mafia – who died fighting it.

People making everything about shipping and acting as if the slightest indication of two characters caring about each other is an undeniable proof of a romantic attraction. Don’t get me wrong, this is something you can build a romance from – but people caring for each other doesn’t necessarily mean it’s romantic. Most times, it’s not even a hint, actually.

Aand I should probably stop talking or I’ll get too salty over stuff I have no business being salty about in the first place, haha. 😅

U: Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.

That’s a nice one! Allow me to ramble a bit, because there are some truly amazing writers who have inspired me a lot and deserve all the credit they can get. 😊

@mandelene – Her writing is just fantastic. It isn’t only about the plot and characterization (which I should mention is phenomenal, too – she always paints complex and realistic characters), but also the structural aspects of the writing are incredible. The pacing is always perfect, and she strikes an excellent balance between keeping her style simple and making the story immersive – she uses just the right amount of details to let you get into the story and convey (very well) the characters’ emotions, but not become long-winded. And the phrasing and choice of words is meticulous. Just a pleasure to read.

Emperor Kumquat – She wrote some of my favourite long fics ever. Her characterization is intriguing and well-thought and researched, and it’s also very coherent through the story. The character arcs are built naturally, you can really feel them grow. Also, her plots are something incredible. They are original and interesting, but there’s also a meticulous foreshadowing and attention to details that really pays off. As the plot unravels, you start putting everything together and seemingly random events and words get a new meaning. They are incredible reads.

Azumizai – She wrote some of the first fics I read for Hetalia (years after they were published, though), and centred on Canada in a way I really love. It’s a lot of fluff and hurt/comfort but there’s also an interesting plot and take on the characters. I think her fics were the ones that actually drove me to try writing for Hetalia.

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querenciablogs · 3 years

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Psycho - Chapter 11+12

Chapter 11

Seohyun was finally discharged from the hospital after a week. She got a part-time job to support herself and she moved into the small rooftop apartment, which brought back all the memories with Jun-seo back. Going back to school like she normally would, dealing with all those people and all their harsh words. It almost became like a normal routine to her. Seungmin would visit her occasionally to make sure she was okay. The two of them never gave up and kept on finding Jun-seo, and they didn't want to give up.

Seungmin: Seohyun-ah, r u free right now?

Seohyun: yeah, I'm done with work

: why?

Seungmin: let's meet up

Seohyun: where?

Seungmin: outside the cafe, I work at

Seohyun: k, I'll be there soon

She didn't know what Seungmin wanted to tell her, but she knew that it was going to be about Jun-seo. They both tried to avoid talking about him because he knew how she was sensitive to him. But it was useless because all they had to talk about was Jun-seo. No matter how long it will take to find him, Seohyun and Seungmin both would never give up. Not on someone like him.

-Outside the Cafe-

Seohyun waited outside in the cold weather, which made her hands cold and numb almost frostbitten. She was wearing a short skirt and didn't bring a long coat with her.

"Aren't you cold?" a familiar voice asked. It was Seungmin, looking tired and worn out.

"I'm fine, but I would love it if we go somewhere warmer to talk," she chimed.

"Well then, let's go!" Seungmin said as he held her hands, making her heart flutter and making her go multiple shades of red. This was something she had never had for as long as she could remember. Ever since Jun-seo was gone, nobody had ever held her hands tight and secure, making her know that she was not alone that was dealing with the harsh world. But it wasn't only Seohyun that was feeling this way, because Seungmin too was flustered by his own actions.

After a long and silent awkward walk, they had arrived at a night market. The place was filled with the delicious scents of the aroma coming from the various street food surrounding them.

"So about Jun-seo..." Seungmin started the conversation while holding the spicy Tteok-bokki.

"Yeah?"

"I think this might have to do with his parents," Seungmin stated.

"Why?"

"He's very secretive about his parents and stuff, and that was why we're so close," Seungmin said.

"Ohh," Seohyun said with food in her mouth.

"He never had anyone to talk to and anyone to open his heart out to,"

"Hmm,"

"He's always caring about what the others think that he never had once cared about his own health," he said with a deep sigh. But what he said was true. Jun-seo had never taken proper care of himself when he wasn't feeling well.

"You're right. I should've taken better care of him," she started to blame herself.

"Stop blaming yourself. He just had his own personal issues that he never shared anyone with,"

"Hmm,"

"This might have to do something with his parents, wanting him to take over their business, or that's at least what I think," he said as he took a bite of the spicy rice cake.

"You might be right, but you never know what someone else is going on in their lives unless you were in their shoes,"

"Life is really a difficult thing to understand, isn't it?"

"Yeah, we have no right to say what we want to. It's like it's all been scripted, and we can't change it, no matter how hard we try to,"

"Maybe you could,"

"Huh?"

"Maybe you could change your story, not theirs,"

"How could I do that? How? After all those obstacles that it made me go through, after all the pain,"

"You're not the only one, no matter what goes on in our lives, even if it's the most painful time of us," he smiled, and as he continued, "like a river flowing into the deep ocean, it never stops does it? Just like that, our life goes on,"

"Hmm, you sure about that?" Seohyun asked.

"Maybe," he said with an unsure face, which made Seohyun laugh.

"I better get going. My parents invited me over for dinner,"

"Do you want me to come along?" Seungmin suggested.

"I don't really think that's going to help, but thanks for the offer,"

"Are you going to go to the dinner looking like that?" Seungmin mocked sarcastically.

"No, are you saying I have terrible taste in fashion?," Seohyun said frowning.

"No," Seungmin replied.

"It's not like you would buy me new clothes anyway," Seohyun teased, making Seungmin feel bad.

"I would if only I had more money left over to spend," Seungmin said sadly.

"It's okay. I was joking, and besides, I don't want you to spend more money on me,"

"Okay then, bye and take care," Seungmin said as he turned.

"I will," Seohyun replied as she headed to the location for the dinner.

Little did she know what was waiting for her at dinner...

She was walking down the street looking at her surroundings. Things seemed different for her because of her long stay at the hospital after the horrible thing happened, she was starting to feel more aware of her surroundings, and what was around her. She let out a deep sigh and tried to clear her mind.

Seohyun arrived at the house she was invited to. She rang the bell. The door opened and she saw someone who looked like her parents. She was utterly surprised but she was also nervous and scared at the same time.

"Come in," her father said. She sat down at the wooden chair in the dining room. She never expected her parents to be there.

"We have something important to tell you,"

Chapter 12

"What do you mean?" Seohyun asked with tears welling in her eyes.

"Seohyun, you're adopted," her mother said with a cold tone.

"So, is this why I'm treated this way? Is this why you never cared about me?" Seohyun's hands started to tremble in fear and anger, and she continued, "why couldn't you tell me sooner?"

Those were the last words she said before leaving the house with a loud bang.

Why? Why me? Why couldn't they tell me sooner? Seohyun started to question herself.

She couldn't. She couldn't bear the pain and the truth. Rushing back to the rooftop apartment, she was quietly sobbing to herself. Nobody would know how it feels like, and no one would care...

She went into a grocery store to get something to eat. Just as she was finding some cup-noodles to eat when she saw a tall figure, all dressed in black. He looked like Jun-seo, but his hair was bleached into a shade of lighter brown. He resembles the person she saw weeks ago, giving her chills. She tried to best to focus on her own work, not wanting to bother the person.

He kept on giving glances at Seohyun with a worried expression. Seohyun started to feel uncomfortable about what is happening and took a deep breath.

"Is this all, ma'am?" the young cashier asked.

"Huh? Yeah," she replied.

"Are you okay, is there anything wrong?"

"Yes, I'm okay. Everything's fine," she tries to shake those worried feelings away. Although she was happy that she knew Jun-seo was okay, she was terrified that Jun-seo might hate her. But one thing was for sure. She missed him, and she missed him more than anything else. But she was scared that he might harm her, leave her alone again.

A headache took over her, and she took out her phone in a hurry from her bag. But instead of taking out her phone, she found an envelope. It wasn't an envelope that wasn't hers. She didn't place it here. It didn't belong to her. It was somebody else.

She looked around, but to her surprise, Jun-seo wasn't there. Instead of opening the envelope by herself, she thought it would be better to wait for Seungmin instead.

Seohyun: hey, I'm back from dinner

Seungmin: how was it?

Seohyun: long story, I don't want to talk abt it

Seungmin: u need me?

Seohyun: mind reader, but yes, I do need u

Seungmin: at home right now?

Seohyun: nope, I'm on my way there

Seungmin: k, I'll be there soon

: want any food?

Seohyun: yes, fried chicken

Seungmin: okay, but u should stop eating too much before u become a pig

Seohyun: yah!

Seungmin: srry

: not srry

Seohyun: stop making me upset, and just come here with my fried chicken

Seungmin: gosh, calm down

: see you soon

Seohyun: u too

-Time Skip-

While waiting for Seungmin, Seohyun started to clean outside the rooftop. Making sure things were clean and neatly organized. While cleaning the place, Seohyun remembered the first time Jun-seo surprised this place to her. They used to spend most of their time together in that little space. Seohyun took a seat in one of the seating areas to read the letter Jun-seo gave her. It read...

To Seohyun,

You may not know that I'm here with you in your everyday life. I tried to check up on you when I could. But things had been difficult for me these days. I tried my best to protect you when I could, and I am protecting you right now. I know this isn't the proper explanation you would want, but I am protecting you in any way I could. And that is to be away from you...

I am nothing but harm to you. Without being with you, it's the best way for both you and me. And I know that you're happy without me, you're with somebody better than me. It's Seungmin. Isn't it?

I don't want to ruin what you had or might have with Seungmin, but you have to be careful with him. He may seem kind to you, but he has done more harm than good. I am not saying this to scare you. And not to bring you away from Seungmin. But all I'm going to say is, Seohyun, please be careful...

If I'm the moon, you're the earth, and I could only revolve around you, and only you. And please don't think you're worthless and that you've done nothing good for me. But to me, you're my everything. To me, you're more important than my own life, and for that, I had to leave you. But I'll come back to you, I promised you, don't I?

You're mine, and I won't let anyone take that away from you. Everyone had taken everything I had from me, but you're my last possession, and I'll never let you go.

Only yours,

Jun-seo

Tears started welling in her eyes. She couldn't understand anything he said. Everything he wrote seems so fake to her. She wanted to trust him, and she wanted to believe everything he said. But to her, those words seemed like a lie. The word "promise" coming from someone like him just disgusted her. After everything he did, he had the courage to make her hurt again.

"Hey, I'm here," Seungmin said, interrupting her from her thoughts, but paused when he saw Seohyun crying, and he continued, "are you okay?"

"No, I'm not," Seohyun replied.

At that moment Seohyun's anger went to Seungmin. Seohyun felt very empty inside, knowing every word Jun-seo wrote was a lie. Her parents didn't care about her. Jun-seo had left her. Every single person in the world hates her... except Seungmin...

But little did she know, that person who doesn't hate her is going to change...

#psycho #querenciaoriginals #querenciablogs #ongoing #korean #mystery #chapter11 #chapter12 #romance

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talesfromacrip · 4 years

Text

Tea Time With Yours Truly:

Don’t you love it when you finally realize you’re truly moving on from a toxic situation like the adult you are, when a song you like makes you rethink your visions, feelings, etc. of someone?? or it that me? everything starts to feel entirely new again though regardless. better n’ cooler bc you know you’re not suffering anymore.. just, a fantastic feeling. woo

fucking incredible. I’m F R E E. absolutely free. still hurts though. some things made me realize I should’ve done it sooner and I did. as best I could, i did.I tried all I could and I succeeded for the most part,but damn do they haunt me so badly. I hate it.

Go away, pest. the last 5/6 years have been an emotional roller coaster for me and I want off.somehow I did,the ride still catching me occasionally and pulling me back on, dragging me to the unknown

((some good things happened here n’ there like me meeting some friends I still talk toooo, playing new games and finding new animes))

it’s just good to know though that my mind doesn’t associate them with anything anymore bc they didn’t deserve anything much tbh. just like told me

———

I really want to bug my online buds constantly. From when I get up to when I fall asleep. send them memes, all that funky jazz..but I don’t. I can’t. I feel like I’m too clingy.. too needy.

I AM ACTUALLY. I shouldn’t care, but I do. Maybe it’s because I’m too emotional, too sensitive, too much, blah, blah, blah. Something "bad". Shit the grump hated that has just stuck to me like black balloons since. (( NF is the same with his mental issues. I’m glad to know I’m not alone with thinking of depression, anxiety, etc. as black balloons. Their like lifeless weights, but we still feel them weighing us down))

I love constant communication, especially from close friends.. bug me. 24/7. whenever, whatever. I don’t do anything. much that is. I’m overwhelmed when communicating nowadays so help me out pls??or not><

I don’t ask for it much though bc i was put down for asking for it. I was always told to say certain things as well, not think a certain way, send things at certain times. nothing nsfw even though we where adults. no art much bc it was always judged, other dumb shit.. I felt like the ultimate fucking bother bc of that.. person.

So I stayed to myself because of that and that made me worse ove time.

((I drove some people away when I did and I still am I feel,but I’m trying not too.. I couldn’t deal with myself though, I felt absolutely horrible. When I did, I said some nasty shit and I regret it all because a prick made me feel like complete shit and worthless about myself. I didn’t have to take it out on others like that, but wow.. I did. If I told anyone though,he’d come after me and that was what I didn’t want.. so nice huh?))

I felt like a broken down old dog. I still feel like that occasionally not as bad. not a pleasant feeling at all though

Are all of the things that make me like this really that bad or annoying or make me even less though?? fuck no it doesn’t. It makes me wayyyy better and much more cooler honestly, but those feelings still linger bc the manipulation was so bad..

—

Why the hell would you want me to be boring or better yet be with a boring person who doesn’t talk much and puts others down for similar behavior??

Why would I be with someone who doesn’t share any interests with me much or puts mine down bc they’re childish or unnecessary??

Why would I be with someone that doesn’t communicate anything at all and whatnot,like...please tell me??

I’m genuinely fucking interested.

They told me I was always being too nice all the time. too soft, too babyish. too honest. too sensitive. blah, blah, blahhh. whenever I said something that was tooo personal or informative it’s like: "That’s too much information don’t ya think??" UMM, N O?? "Don’t say that around me ever or I’ll unfriend you and never speak to you again." Okay.. THEN DO IT, PUSSY.

Fucking asshat, douche canoe looking ass cunt.. ((He didn’t like those words or almost any word tbh it seems. true killjoy, I swear and I thought I was. I couldn’t even say oh my god or anything with lord in it because he’d then start saying "why are you saying that when you’re an atheist?" Umm actually I’m agnostic.. ))

he hated the whole "umm actually" deal too that I would do.. literally drove me up the damn wall every time. who fucking cares if I say that?? I’ve been accustomed to it because of my parents and people in general. come the fuck on now

It’s pretty common to say, twit. Don’t take it seriously, joke or not to piss me off to make you happy..man, he irritated the hell out of me and I’m glad he’s gone. like..look ‘bud’ should I just be angry and a constant liar and hateful and just, overall vile like you then all the time?? Guess so huh!! ohh boy!!

Which was almost that unfortunately.. i’m not good at lying and all like you though, you snake. when I did it wasn’t how I was feeling, it was how you felt.. which disgusted me.

I was always honest to you. maybe a few lies, but those were mostly about certain games that I didn’t really play and what I was laughing at. which was your dumb ass most of the time.

He made me start to hate things that made me very happy by being a total prick about it.. I miss feeling overwhelmed with overflowing joy for the things that bring and brought me peace.

I still have it, but it’s not as strong as it was before because some dumb fuck stepped on it too much telling me I’m weak in the process.

I couldn’t like anything anymore much without hearing him yelling at me occasionally and others as well that I never noticed till everything happened. just,yelling at me loudly and telling me how awful i am and other annoying, idiotic shit.. maybe that was your plan all along , to ruin me. ruin my confidence, my strength and my will to move up and thrive in life..

you tried dragging me down your well for being myself when you couldn’t.. pathetic. I bet you’re happy bc you feel like you ‘succeeded’ with this,but you didn’t win the war.

You never will

———

they always manipulated me to dislike the things in life that made me happy. This irritated me a lot.. ((my interests in obscure and ‘buttrock’ bands/music in general, anime, weird games, my love for peculiar art, my badass friends..))

said absolute dumb shit if I got closer to some more than them. ((making me waste sooo much god damn time. say you’re busy all the time even though you live a "boring fucking same day to day lifestyle." tell them how you can’t message all the time when in fact you can and that you’re constantly on the only device that gets you connected to the world outside. tell them.)) makin me lie and be distant about how I felt with some of my amazing friends..

It was never about how I truly felt, but how they felt for me. (("Ohh they made you feel like that?? Well, it made me feel like this and you should too because //insert dumb explanation here//.", "You shouldn’t feel like that towards them, they don’t deserve it.", "Maybe I deserve to be treated like that instead, screw them.", "Don’t feel like that towards them or //issue//, thats absolutely appalling, childish, flat out sappy.", "Don’t let them know how you’re really feeling.. just act like you don’t care at all. They don’t care to help you anyway or else you’d be living a better life.", "They’ll just spread it around so just stay quiet instead until spoken too about it."))

E N D ME !!!

Pls, I beg of you.. not really but the thoughts though, please

———

he would tell me to not bug him when hes on a game, but he could to me. even on social media, which is how we stayed connected and not by messenger pigeons like it’s the 1500’s.

"Don’t bug me on FB when I’m not on." Okay, but I wanna share this with you...?? also, how the hell am I gonna know when you’re on when I’m drawing and trying to occupy my on edge brain??

proceeds to spam me shit in process irritating me. "Don’t bug me, don’t bug me" I hear like a whiny little baby.

"Why do you bug me all the time??" UMM, MAYBE BECAUSE I CARE AND I WANT TO UHHH, IDK SHARE THIS NEAT SHIT WITH YOU??? PENDEJO PUTA DE MIERDA!!

"I’ll message you and send invites when I feel like it." - Shithead towards the end. Circa 1818. ((Yeah, weeks or a month later like nothing happened. "I’ll see you later or tonight when I see you on, get back on, when I’m done eating" just, excuse after excuse..))

((IM ALWAYS FUCKIN ONLINE 24 GAT DAMN 7. YOU KNOW THIS, SHITHEAD. I ALWAYS WANT TO TALK TO YOU OR SOMEONE IN THE DAMN GROUP. DNT FUCK WIT ME, MY TIME, OR PATIENCE LIKE THAT ANYMORE. ENOUGH. S T O P. And it did.. thank g o d))

———

would literally make me wait around and feel like a complete and utter fool when instead he could’ve messaged and been like maybe tomorrow or something, but no.. nothing. made me believe in all sorts of dumb shit. ((Sad I did, but I was pretty gullible. still am. some stuff was just, a big nope though and obvious. I wouldn’t let him get to me that much, but he did in some ways.. disgusting ..))

I was made to feel like I was cared for when in fact I never was to begin with. explains a lot tbh. I felt like a disgusting half empty shell of a person with barely any fragments of a heart and soul left inside. that’s very dark, I know, but that’s how it feels in a way

"It’s not real, this depression you’re feeling, it’s just a phase. it’ll pass/ just suck it up and move on / don’t worry about it you’re fine, you’re just overreacting or overthinking about it / think positive more and be happy nothing bad has really happened to you yet/ I remember when you didn’t act like this."

HOW AND WHAT?!? EXCUSE ME, PEASANT!? SAY THAT AGAIN.. TO MY ACTUAL FACE. I DARE YOU N’ YEAH, I DO TO CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.

———

I love how people ((friends and some mutuals)) thought I actually wanted to be, be with him, romantically and all that, that is but I just couldn’t..it was never there. I felt it for others though or someone to be exact, during those times which is how I knew I was in a toxic situation and it wasn’t real love or love in general I felt for them. just a facade

I just couldn’t let people know how badly he was treating me so I was sucked into a woven web of lies that got out of hand and ruined some pretty good moments for me completely it seemed

I never once wanted to fuck him or anything of the sort.

at first, we were kinda flirty and sweet with one another. talkin about cuddlin n’ goin on silly dates when we meet ya know. cute and fluffy things. things I got shit for down the road keep in mind. we’d give each other cute lil compliments to one another. It was just, cute and fun stuff ya know. especially since we were young as well.

there was never anything sexual between us either or too sexual, just crushy feels. ((I’m really fucking glad because mm, mmm. hard fucking pass))

he’d never and i mean never get my moist meter high, EVER. drier than this damn valley I live with scattered tumbleweeds, I tell you. not even a lil tingle. no bells ringing.fireworks flinging. I thought about it too and I’d just get disgusted tbh. thats how I knew

I felt like he’d be the worst in the end anyway and he was in general. he wasn’t even comfortable with himself or his sexuality and others things.. sooo, noooo, NOPE. thank u, next!!

I’m completely comfortable with mine.. thanks to my friends and some a bit more. I’m a bit scared to admit though that I’m demi bc of manipulation, but it is.

Happens unfortunately and I know I’m not alone on this journey of self acceptance. I wouldn’t have mind talking about it though, in a calm civil manner like adults do instead of giggling and making weird noises like an idiotic child.

Having it being brought up randomly amongst mutuals and all that got extremely awkward too as well, I hated it. "You wanna fuck him?", "You ever thought about it you two since y’all so close?" crickets and a few mumbled noises.. HA.mmm, I cared about him or what was left of him, not like that. honey flower ain’t or never will be feelin it for him.. EVER. HE EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED ME AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW SEX THAT MUCH OR MYSELF LIKE THAT SO FUCK HIM. uwu

She’s kinda quiet and scared tbh because he’s such a total killjoy asshole. she senses fear. she knows who really gets her bud blooming. just, the thought of him though like that made me wanna scream and kick him in this stupid ass face.

Ruined a lot of things for me, I swear but I’m moving on as best as I can.

—

He had this switch flip type of mood. I don’t even remember how or why it happened, but it just got worse during and after his breakup it seems.

Which was like 3-4 years ago. started happening out of the blue and over time it just started to bug the living fuck out of me. daily. I was starting to hate it and hate it I did. made my skin crawl.. ((all the Linkin Park jokes))

It made me hate myself which I never did much tbh and I didn’t like that at all.. I wanted out, but I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know who to talk to bc he’d come after me if I did especially if they knew him..

they didn’t though and were on my side, but yeah. I’m glad it stopped

A L L OF IT. I don’t need that kind ‘love’ in my life. that,awful presence. I don’t need any of that at all.. MMM, MMM BYE, BYE!! Disgusting.

———

I wanted to help em try to be happy so fuckin bad after what happened ya know as friends do, when it should’ve been myself making me happy instead.. it was,but everything just got to me.

All the sighs. How lovely huh. We were ‘best friends’ ya know. I can’t even really call anyone that much bc it unnerves me. you’re supposed to make each other happy and all that as best friends, not a sad sack of low shit.

I can’t believe I wanted to be with him and or be around him that is... eughh. I was confused and in a dangerous situation towards the end.. feels like it was my fault, but it wasn’t.

Couldn’t talk to anyone about it. It was extremely fucking stupid on my part

Long time or not, why? just, holding onto old times I guess

That’s where I messed up. I didn’t even really bother trying to be with him tbh as I’ve said. in the beginning maybe yeah when we were younger, but he made me feel less and less over time as we grew older. I was embarrassed about a lot of shit and slowly I just finally realized how much of an asshole he really and truly is and how bad I wanted him out my life.

I couldn’t get away and when I did, he’d still be there someway.. haunting me with his negative nagging.it was dumb I know. I just don’t know exactly how I got lost in it so damn badly, but man, am I really dumb for doing it..

I wholeheartedly despise those feelings I had then and I fucking despise them now. ALL OF THEM. THEY HAVE RUINED MY LIFE AND IDK WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

((Great character development though, Cynth. Growing up and moving on. Something he could never do))

I don’t want to bring these problems into anyone else’s life and I did and I regret it.. I would like to disconnect from the server please bc of it, thank you

———

I was made to feel like my disability was cureable around him and that I can do shit when I get my operations done when in fact, I can’t at all and won’t ever get ‘cured’ or anything like that of the sort.typical ableist /lamdwalker activity. despite how many times I told him,he’d forget. Mhmm, sure.. you only heard what you wanted. It’s fine

"We’ll be able to do this when you get said //part// fixed.." what? can I not do that now or something?? I know I can’t, but I can at least try right?? am I really not that good enough to be around and do shit with?? guess so, cool. Okay, I see. I really tolerated some extreme ableism and I still do, but it’s not as bad as that was..

I wish I could cure my RA though like that and have said money to do it. Snap my fingers and it’s done right? ummm, no. not as easy you think dumb ass. I have fused joints, osteo, it’s everywhere like how the hell am I gonna fix that so easily?? tell me, doc

You trippin more than younger me did. I think that’s why he just flat out ditched me in the end and got a gf while he was at it that had an almost exact personality as me in the process. he would point it out too and made me feel fucking creeped out even more.. like, I get it. can’t be youre, abled dream

Why do you care if we’re alike in some ways though?? ((Look where it got him though. He’s still struggling with it, the breakup, bringing it up once n’ awhile like it didn’t happen. It was hilarious to me bc he really was a basket case. I know he was trying to get rid of it, but he was more obsessive about it than a mf))

thankful I don’t deal with it anymore

———

"You live the same day to day lifestyle. Ever since you and I graduated. The same fucking thing. The only new things you do are go to your stupid concerts or teach those weird kids. I see it or you end up telling me anyway." ((I know captain obvious yet again.. at least I’m having fun when I’m doing that. concerts for my favorite bands make me happy, teaching my kids do too ya asshole))

"Nothing is gonna change anyway if you get those procedures done. It’ll be worse for you and we all know that. Just deal with it and try to move on." ((I hate hearing your voice in my head. I want to ban it, mute it from all existence.. I’ve been replacing it with others and I’m glad it’s working))

———

I keep hearing his voice sometimes when I post something on social media. not his actual voice, but something similar, especially in tone. moody and monotone. art,status, any of those with hashtags, rt‘s, anything.. I heard it

"Why did you post that?? Looking for attention or something?", "Not many people liked it because it’s //insert stuff I love here//", "Don’t like shit like that. I don’t want to scroll around awkwardly when I’m out.", "I saw what you put. Idk how to approach it, but I’ll like it to show you I care/to look at later to process."

Tf does that mean and huh?? Why do you care what I put anyway?? I don’t care what you put so why should you care what I put?? Why make me feel like shit for putting this up or talking about something I have some balls too. I want people to know. I’m close to some of these people

I haven’t been posting much because of that. It’s very noticeable and my some of my friends can vouch for it from the viewing couch. renders I do of friends stuff, my original work, OC stuff, fan arts. A L L gets judged by the mighty grump. who it is, colors, the style, shading.. nothing was good enough I guess. even though you said it was and so did my brain at one point. It does, but she’s just not that confident much anymore

He’d get on fan art which was the most irritating thing. "Try and draw like that or do something like that for once.", "They didn’t get me right.. did you give them the references? Even though you still haven’t made a proper one?", "Why did they draw me like that?", "That’s cool. Why my character though?" PEOPLE DRAW IN THEIR OWN WAYS IN MANY STYLES AND CAN CREATIVELY DO WHATEVER THEYD LIKE YA FUCKIN DUMBASS. IN THE END, ITS MY CHARACTER ANYWAY. YOU DIDNT DRAW HIM. I DID N’ WHO CARES. MAYBE THEY LIKE YOUR CHARACTER OR IDK I REQUESTED IT TO MAKE YOUR SAD ASS HAPPY.

"Ohh yeah, I used to draw back in the day." The shit he sent me was traced, had his signature on it covering the original artists, no consistent style. Straight up thief and ugly liar. He can’t even draw a straight line, let alone paint a piece. Please, boy. I KNEW IT AND HED MANIPULATE ME INTO THINKING IT WAS AND I KNEW. AINT FOOLING ME THERE. I maybe or might’ve been extremely gullible as a teen, but ooohhh honeyyyy, I knew, I knew.

Artist my ass. Yeah con artist :))

———

I hated the awkward silence moments between us when we spoke. I literally wanted to fucking scream at you like you did to me sometimes when you were having a "bad day".

I wanted to yell at you about everything you’ve ever done to me the last time we talked and I just broke down instead because I am an "emotional bitch" as you say. HOLY SHIT though, are you boring. I thought I was, but I just get dissociative and I space out because I didn’t know what to say and when I did,I got judged for it. for everything else as wel which made me feel worse. fuucking fantastic you are

You made me feel like I was was swirling in this dead and extremely lonely silence that was ever so slowly drowning me and dragging me down.. ((Like BMTH says, don’t let me drown and you did to an extent)) i couldn’t breathe right for the longest time with you there.. felt like an enormous weight on my chest

when I was in there, it was awful and made me feel worse. I didn’t want to leave and when I did,you’d think I’d be having a fit or something.so, I would stay until you left and when you did it was absolute freedom.

I swear I hated being around you. I got judged for making any sort of weird noise, hiccup, burp, humming, my singing, jokes. such a fun person you are, hmph

#therapy journal #disabled post #disability #ableism #internalized ableism #anxiety #tw

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violentgoth · 4 years

Text

Let me vent for a sec here // npd related

(I'm writing this on my phone so I can't put it under a read more, bear with me)

I hate talking about this because... it makes me feel like a failure? Which isn't true and I gotta fight against my brain thinking of everything I do as black or white. I deserve better than that lol

So yeah I'm not having too good of a time in university right now. ADHD is kicking my ass in terms of procrastination and not being able to concentrate and I feel like I'm too far behind the other students. And asking for help is hard.

I'm only now slowly getting the hang of all my ADHD symptoms and how to work around them (meds help a lot) which is hard and exhausting work, like I should be proud of myself. But I'm most likely too late to save my semester now. And I'll have to do it again. For the third time. Ughh

And my brain goes: "ohh how can you go around thinking you're a literal god when you can't even pass your second semesters courses. It's not gonna get any easier you know? Since you're obviously not a god you're worthless now, which is ofc the only other logical option."

I know that's not true and there are many things that make me an awesome and interesting person. My mayor isn't the easiest to say the least. Especially not with all my mental health problems lol. I've tried to adress everything that is hard for me rn and did my best to find healthy solutions. I even asked for help, can you believe it? 2 times!! (And I feelt horrible about it after).

Most importantly my self worth and god status isn't tied to my academical achievements. The whole concept of 'failure' is very vage and subjective in the first place. But even despite all this my hell brain just won't shut up.

There's no easy fix for this, I guess I'll just have to keep on trying my best. Be kinder to myself etc. I've been a little vulnerable on here now and that already counts for something I hope haha

#y'all better like this so I can stop feeling self concious about having feelings lmao #I wanna be able to stop caring so much about other peoples opinions of me one day #but yeah baby steps #I don't suck and I'm still perfect in every way 🖤#that I'm trying so hard to be healthier is prove of that

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psi-groovin · 7 years

Text

a really long ramble about mostly nothing but sort of about what’s been going on in my life: a short novel

What the hell am I doing with myself.

I just sit and wait everyday everyday everyday everyday wait wait wait waiting waiting wait gonna sit and wait til Halloween. All the decorations are up I put them up myself on September 30th and I wore really bad shoes while doing it so it felt like I was walking on bone after multiple hours of stringing lights and small ghosts made out of old marching band t-shirts.

Well here we are. October 10th. I turn 23 in two days. Tonight I gotta go over to my old high school and help coach the color guard cos I said I’d do that about a month and a half ago but I’m finding that they don’t really need my help at all. Also being back there with all those people is just triggering some sort of ptsd in me. I get frustrated and thrust right back into the fray of being in high school with a bunch of girls who don’t give a shit and some who are only there to try and show off. The ones who only talk about band. The Academy, Blue Devils, etc. I don’t know what else to call them except for show-offs. “Look how dedicated I am to this I spent thousands of my parent’s dollars to stand in the back of the field and wave a flag around.” Yeah, good for you. Is that money well-spent? Did you learn anything at all? “Oh this is how we do it at The Academy.” Well guess what, this isn’t The Academy anymore. You’re back in high school with our marching band. This is how we do it here.

See, ptsd. That shit isn’t even related to what I’m dealing with now at the high school. I just keep getting thrust back 4-5 years and experience the same frustrations I did then.

No, now it’s more like I just feel useless. I’m not really good enough (or I guess I don’t have enough training) to be a good coach, but at the same time sometimes I’m the only one helping the girls while the instructors just sit and watch?? But most of the time I just sit there and wait for the head coach to tell me to do something, like repping a certain flag routine while he goes and checks on the weapon line.

I just don’t know. I don’t want to do it anymore but I’m also really fuckn tired of sitting there for two hours while I do nothing. Honestly, it’s probably my fault and I should take some initiative but its something that’s so against my nature that I can’t bring myself to do it. I think the other coaches are afraid of me cos I don’t really talk much. I really just want to quit helping, but I said I’d help and I hate to back out and potentially let them down, even though it seems like they couldn’t care one way or another if I lived or died. So here I am.

It’s currently 5 in the morning. I sent off an application to an airline in Tucson so I’ll be going down there for an interview on the 19th. But it’s in Tucson so I think they’re hiring specifically for Tucson, so I might not be able to do this. Unless I am able to move to Tucson which I don’t really want/have the means to do.

I’m frustrated. I’m in life’s waiting room. I get called in to do one thing and then I have to go back to the waiting room and wait wait wait wait wait o shit look it’s yer birthday woohoo alright let’s go back and wait some more o shit look it’s Halloween.

How do I break this cycle.

How do I break off a piece of that kit-kat bar.

My sister and I went to the store sometime last month around midnight because we were craving cake and were surprised to find that Fry’s was doing a flash sale on Halloween candy. We bought a bag of snickers and kit-kat. The snickers are all gone now.

Whenever we buy Halloween candy we always get one of those big ass mixed bags from Costco but you gotta make sure you get the mixed bags without twizzlers in them cos otherwise everything in the bag will taste/smell like licorice and it ruins the taste of the chocolate so we get a mixed bag of chocolate stuff mostly and I make sure to take out all the snickers and save them for myself cos I’m just a freak for that peanuty nougaty chocolatey goodness.

Kills my teeth though.

I drank some red wine tonight because I have cramps and I read somewhere that red wine helps so I drank some and my teeth got stained a nasty color. It’ll probably just brush off but it was nice to see my teeth turn about the same color as Chop Top’s from Chainsaw 2.

Speaking of Chainsaw, someone commented on the Chop Top/Nubbins drawing I did that’s on Redbubble. Something about how he wished he could assault anyone who would “buy this gay shit.” I deleted the comment of course. I thought about flagging it and reporting it but I didn’t want to trouble RB. Now if the guy comments on my shit again with some more offensive and horrible stuff like that, then I’ll report it.

I’m not upset, per say, by it, but it is a little upsetting to me. The whole situation. Like there are still people out there who are homophobic and insecure enough in their niche genre fandoms that they get offended when I draw a cute picture of two wacky brothers from some famous horror movies?? For real? That’s what’s upsetting to me. The horror fandom tends to be a little elitist, like the metal fandom is famous for. Like… did what I draw bother someone so much they felt the need to comment THAT on it?? What the hell, dude. Just live and let live. For fucks sake.

Am I mad? Not really. Just upset. And like I said, I’m upset because that guy’s way of thinking still exists. I’m not mad that he didn’t like it. I’m mad that he was upset enough to comment some angry shit on it. Like just move on.

Have I beaten this topic to death yet?

My sister got a call from a company in Virginia that if she gets the position, she’s gonna move out there. I want to go with her too. Get a job at Chipotle to help pay the rent. Then continue the airline search.

I don’t know much about Virginia, but I’m pretty much willing to move anywhere as long as it’s not Phoenix or Tucson. Sedona’s gorgeous, Kingman’s gorgeous.. like whenever I have to drive back to Phoenix I want to die. Why does anyone live here it’s a fuckn horrible mass of gray and brown. It’s hot, everyone is angry, traffic is terrible 80% of the time .. why does anyone choose to live in Phoenix. Everywhere else in Arizona is like “ohh, this is why people move and live here.” but PHOENIX… Phoenix can shove a rosebush up its ass.

Grandma’s not doing so good. I meant to ask dad about her today because yesterday he said she went to the ER. We went up to visit her for her birthday and the whole trip was really stressful but it might’ve been extra stressful because I was probably PMSing. We hung up some pictures in her apartment so it looks more like a home, but its still kind of exhausting being around her, especially because she complains a lot. My aunt who takes care of her is always so stressed out with her. I feel for her.

I don’t know. I also didn’t get much sleep because we all shared a room and my sister and dad were snoring really fuckn loud. I kept waking up before my alarm and then thinking I had overslept and then looked at the clock and it had only been like a minute or not even. It was a plus though when we went back to the hotel after dinner with grandma and caught about half of a Jeff Lynne’s ELO concert in Hyde Park on tv. That was pretty groovy.

Also the first night we were there we walked across the street and got a bunch of French fries for a midnight snack and there were two girls in the restaurant who I was facing and they were singing along to some song on their phone and I caught their eyes and they couldn’t stop laughing. So then when I caught their eye again when they were singing/dancing in their seats I started dancing too and they broke up laughing all over again. When they left they waved at me, smiling. I felt good.

If I was in high school I’d feel really insecure about the whole situation. I’d have thought they were judging me or something. I know now that they weren’t. We just had a good moment together and I’m really happy about it. I’m smiling as I type this. I’ve grown a lot since high school.

What the fuck have I been doing for the past month besides all this random rabble I’ve been talking about? Is anyone going to fucking read this? Besides me? This feels really good to type, by the way. This is something I like to call Mind Masturbation, where your brain just shits out all it’s thoughts through your fingers. It feels soooooooooo good and my brain just feels .. clean. Like I’ve gone in there with a toothbrush and massaged all the old shit that’s been building up in there. It feels cool and fresh, like when you get your shoulders massaged. Healthy blood flow.

Anyways, the entire past month has been mostly me mourning the death of Tobe Hooper. I’ve since been catching up on all the works of him I’ve missed and crying my eyes out that we lost such an adorable and really thoughtful (and I mean that in the sense that he thought about things a lot, stuff people don’t normally consider. Like he stepped back a lot and looked at everything and just thought about it. Magnificent. You don’t get that much in people it seems) man. Body Bags was great, and I love John Carpenter as the Coroner and Tobe Hooper’s own cameo toward the end. The Apartment Complex was also fantastic and I just love it and I wanted to see if I could buy it on dvd but it seems its only really available on vhs which is .. neat but also pretty worthless to me. I highly recommend The Apartment Complex, if anyone has read this far. It’s a fuckn delight.

I think I’ve probably jerked off my brain enough to where there’s not much else that’s weighing on my mind anymore. I feel a lot better than I did about 30 minutes ago. I was all wound up and stressed, and now I’m a little less wound up and stressed. I feel slightly better. Writing shit like this really does help get it out of your head.

Well, to anyone who bothered to read this, I hope you found some enjoyment because this was mostly just for me. I hope it wasn’t a complete waste of time. Now you know what I’ve been up to sort of lately and why I haven’t really been on tumblr. Sometimes you just need a really long break. It probably feels longer than it actually has been but that’s another thing: the days feel like they’re crawling by as I wait in life’s waiting room.

We’ll stop there before this thing ends up being a novel.

Thanks for stickin around. Love you all. Glad we could all witness me jerkin off my brain today.

#groovinslog #i'm back guys #or am i #idk what to tag this as but #yknow #rambling #personal

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