#Kelli we’re absolutely insane about the same things in the same way

[sehunniepotwrites]

if we were a movie | j.jh

for @nctsworld’s first writing challenge

SYNOPSIS. For someone who was always the understudy and never the lead, scoring this role was huge for you. All you had to do was pretend to be in love with your best friend. No big deal, right? Wrong. It was the biggest deal because, for the past four years, you had been hiding your feelings for Jung Jaehyun.

If this were a movie, he would be your perfect match and the story would end happily with the credits rolling to a perfectly timed soundtrack. Too bad this wasn’t a movie— this was real life and life came with complications.

GENRE. childhood friends to lovers!au, college!au, drama school!au, slow burn, angst, humor, mutual pining, fluff (loosely based on the Filipino rom-com Must Be Love and If We Were a Movie by Hannah Montana) PAIRING. theatre major!Jaehyun x  theatre major!reader WORD COUNT. 14+ k

WARNINGS. point of view switches from first (”I”) to second (”you”); self-doubt, insecurities, mutual pining, cursing, lots of references and direct quotes from musicals such as Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella, Disney’s Newsies, Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, Shrek the Musical, and Wicked (edited but i might’ve missed some mistakes; bare with me!)

There are moments where time flows as normal, where people carry on with their days as they usually do. Then, there are moments people experience in slow-motion, where the world just stops spinning and all the background noise just fades away. These are the moments people look forward to. They’re the breathtaking ones, the ones that capture your heart and soul. After those moments, people are never the same. 

The first time I experienced something in slow motion was when I made my stage debut at a small talent show. There was thunderous applause after my performance and while my heart thumped against my chest, the world seemed to come to a stop. That’s when I knew my heart belonged to the stage or rather, the stage belonged to me. 

Some of these slo-mo moments are the ones where people fall in love. 

My father said that’s how he knew my mother was the one for him: he experienced it all at a slowed rate, everything fading into black and she was the only thing he saw. She was his brightest star and he was the one who reached for the sky to bring her down to Earth. 

When I was younger, I always dreamed about my “falling in love” slow-mo moment. I pictured a grandiose event with large actions and sweet words.  For it to actually happen at theatre camp during the initial dress rehearsal for Disney’s Beauty and the Beast J.R.— well, that was far from what I hoped for. 

And yet, it was just as special as I thought it would be. 

I was in my obnoxious fork costume, waiting for my best friend to leave the boy’s dressing room. 

Jung Jaehyun had been my best friend since the beginning, otherwise known as my first year at theatre camp. Only ten years old at the time, we both were cast as two of the three blind mice in Shrek the Musical and had been inseparable ever since. Although we attended different middle schools, our friendship grew from our shared vocal and dance lessons as well as our summers at camp. You know how it is; those who end up in the ensemble together stay together. 

Going over the dance moves in my head, I didn’t hear my friend’s voice calling my name. He gripped my shoulder, the action surprising me to the point where I lost my balance. I yelped and shut my eyes, expecting to fall onto the hard ground but a hand grabbing onto my wrist prevented my doom. With an arm around my waist, I barely missed the ground.

Slowly opening my eyes, I glanced up to see Jung Jaehyun looking down at me with a worried gaze. He was just a sixteen-year-old boy dressed as a spoon and yet, the world around us came to a halt. Gone were the other frantic theatre kids and the backstage messes. The couple playing Belle and the Beast was no longer sitting across from us, running through their lines. No hustle and bustle of the crew and the props masters.

It was just me dressed as a fork, falling down while my spoon for a best friend caught me in his arms. 

“We make quite a pair, don’t we, Forky?” he chuckled lowly, hitting the top of his costume to mine. It was a ridiculous sight— a pair of oversized cutlery in a crowded dressing room.

A burning hot sensation crept its way up to my face as he gently pulled me up. “I guess we do.”

Since then, my life has never been the same. I was in love with my best friend, Jung Jaehyun. I fell for him when the world stopped spinning beneath my feet while his world, unfortunately, kept on turning.

I remember each and every slowed-down moment in life —the good, the bad, and the absolute worst. I never thought a bad slo-mo moment existed, I simply didn’t think it was possible. 

I was young and naive then and I was so incredibly wrong.

The moment that hurt me most took place in my senior year of high school. The final callbacks for our community’s production of Disney’s Newsies were in order. The role of Jack Kelly, the headstrong and flirty newsboy, was easily given to the ever-so-charming Jung Jaehyun. He was not only my best friend at the time but he was the it-boy of our small theatre. People were either in love with him or wanted to be him— his talent matched his insane looks. His kind personality made him all the more lovable.

Jaehyun had his two fatal flaws, though. Everyone knew them but still saw him in such a bright light.

One: the boy was extremely clumsy. Jaehyun was often called “magic hands,” constantly ruining his props. It was a running gag in the theatre but the props committee never minded; one smile was all it took for them to forgive him and his cursed hands. 

That was his first flaw. And his second? Jaehyun fell in love way too easily and way too fast. 

How exactly did I find this out? Well, I was there to witness the scene that lifted his heart to the highest of levels while mine dropped straight to the ground.

I was in the running for the stubbornly intelligent female lead named Katherine Plumber. My opponent was the confident and radiant Son Wendy. She always played the lead in her high school productions but this was a community musical and I was determined to claim that part as my own. 

I went first, entering the audition room with a smile with the script gripped tightly in my palm. Performing alongside my best friend was easy. The romantic scene was a piece of cake, not because the lines were a breeze. That wasn’t it at all. It wasn’t because I memorized the Newsies script as a child either. It was because, at that moment, Jung Jaehyun was in love with me as much as I was in love with him. It was a moment I wanted to cherish forever: the way he looked at me was something I had never experienced before. It was so full of emotion and passion, like he had me within his grasp and never wanted to let me go.

“You got this. I believe in you,” he whispered in my ear, squeezing my hand in support. His breath tickled my skin and sent shivers down my spine. The nerves were back, not because of the audition, but because of him. 

“You’re just saying that because it’s the scene we’re about to act out, Jae,” I hissed. The sheet music for the duet, Something to Believe In, wrinkled in my free palm. 

His warm, comforting hand pressed harder against my own. “No, it’s not that. If you need someone to believe in you, I’m right here. I’ve got you, Forky. Always.”

The director cleared his throat from his seat, his scrutinizing eyes watching us closely as we got into position, just like we rehearsed a thousand times. “Whenever you’re ready.”

I watched as Jaehyun took a deep breath to get into character. He closed his eyes, rolled his broad shoulders back, and then his lids snapped open. His brown-eyed gaze aimed straight at me, with a vulnerable expression taking over his features. He was no longer Jung Jaehyun— he was Jack Kelly, a scared newsboy who was in love with a newspaper company heiress. 

The line came pouring out of his mouth with the utmost sincerity, the confusion and affection seeping through his words, “Just standing here tonight, looking at you, I’m scared tomorrow is gonna come and change everything.”

 Jaehyun took a step forward towards me, an unsure smile curling on his lips. “If there was a way I could just grab hold of something to make time stop just so I could keep looking at you.”

His body stops right in front of mine, keeping a clear distance but enough to feel the passion radiating off of his words and actions. For once in my young life, my best friend looked at me with a different kind of love in his eyes and I returned it, my genuine feelings seeping through my words. 

Biting my lip, I replied coyly, “You snuck up on me, Jack Kelly, I never even saw it coming.”

“For sure?” he stage-whispered. His upstage hand unexpectedly reached up to caress my cheek. The action was unrehearsed, almost catching me off guard. It was a different take on the scene. The characters were supposed to be shy, their thoughts wavering on their own feelings for each other and the impending strike that was to come the day after; yet, Jaehyun played Jack as someone certain of his feelings.

“For sure,” I answered back at the same volume, my hand cupping his own to follow along with his direction. It felt as if he was searching my soul for my thoughts and I could not let him in. The opening bars of the romantic duet echoed throughout the room and after taking a breath, I began to sing. Jaehyun joined in on the second verse and instantly, our voices blended together in a beautiful harmony, one that beat our Newsies karaoke sessions in his car. 

The scene ended as quickly as it began. The director hummed before jotting notes down and whispering to his casting assistants for a few seconds. I thought they were the longest seconds of my life. Jaehyun nodded his head to reassure me. “You did well, Forky.”

“Of course I did, it’s me we’re talking about here,” I nudged him back. “I can do no wrong, Jae!” 

“Thank you,” the director finally spoke, “you may go. Jaehyun, if you could escort her out and fetch Wendy for me?”

“Of course,” your friend nodded. The feeling of his large hand on my back slowly guided me out of the room. The spot he touched me burned but my cheeks were burning even more. Why was it that every little touch drove me to the brink of insanity?

“You’re so going to land this part,” I remember him saying as he squeezed my waist. My heart was beating erratically against my ribcage, the butterflies in my stomach threatening to fly their way up my throat.

“You think so?”

“Oh definitely,” Jaehyun stressed with a wink. 

He said it too soon. 

Because the minute he locked gazes with Son Wendy, I just knew he had found his leading lady. 

“S-Son Wendy?” he stuttered as he caught sight of the pretty girl in the waiting room. Her hair was styled similarly to a young maiden from the turn of the century, perfectly curled and out of her face. 

“Yes?” she smiled back.

It seemed like the words were caught in my best friend’s throat. Sneaking a glance at Jaehyun’s ears, they burned a bright red. “We’re, um, we’re ready for you.”

I watched as Jaehyun nervously offered his arm to her, his eyes never leaving her face. It was like he was her own personal spotlight, the way his eyes shone just for the girl in front of him. The boy was completely enamored and I was instantly in the shadows. The sweet smile that was reserved for me was directed towards another and it sparkled in a way it never did before.

The world around me moved incredibly slow as they passed me by. With everything frozen, all I saw was the gorgeous couple headed to the audition room with hushed exchanges. Jaehyun took his time heading to the private room to spend more time with the girl while Son Wendy steadily made her way into my friend’s fragile heart. My own heart clenched at the sight. It was breaking ever so slowly and I felt every little crack and tear. 

Even with the role of the understudy, it was as if I never even had a chance at winning his heart over. If Wendy wasn’t present for one rehearsal, Jaehyun didn’t even see me— his own best friend since our ensemble days. He was way too deep into his “showmance.” It was like I never even existed. It wasn’t long before he called Wendy his girlfriend and then, I was invisible. Cast aside. Ignored.

Needless to say, my heart broke in slow-motion as Jaehyun’s pounded rapidly for a girl that took two parts I desperately ached for: Katherine Plumber and the girl who held Jaehyun’s heart. 

But this was just the first time his heart was stolen by his opposite. The first of many.

The first two years of university passed me by like a summer breeze. Constantly busy with general education and introductory drama courses, I was constantly flitting around from building to building. My hands were usually occupied by my laptop, a blazing cup of caffeinated tea, and a worn out script while my mind was filled with jumbled up lines and the dramatic cries of an overwhelmed university student. I probably wouldn’t have made it this far if it wasn’t for Jaehyun and Xiao Dejun, another theatre major we had met during orientation, by my side.

Fast forward to my third year and the three of us were headed to the office of the theatre department. It was posting day for the spring musical— the day the cast list was revealed. This year’s musical spectacular was Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella. The play itself was a modern classic and it was also my dream come true.

This day, just like any posting day of the drama department, was nerve-racking. Everyone was anxious to find out what parts they were given and how the fairytale would play out. The part of the brave and kind Ella was always on my list of roles I wanted to fill. As much as I thought I did well on my final callback, I didn’t want to set my hopes too high.

“Are you nervous?” Jaehyun asked while draping an arm over my shoulder. He playfully put all his weight onto his right side to throw me off balance. 

“Nervous? Me? Why would I be nervous if I’m like 95% sure  I’m going to get the understudy again?” I chuckled sarcastically. Bitterly. It happened every year, so why get my hopes up now?

“Yeah but—”

“No buts, I’ve accepted the title of the Wonderstudy! I think you should too, Jae,” I slapped his shoulder before quickly slipping out of his hold before linking arms with Dejun. My best friend let out a yelp, almost tripping over his own two feet as we continued down the hallway. “I’m mediocre at best.”

The Wonderstudy: it was the nickname the other students in the department gave me because I was always the understudy. I was never the star of the show. It said that I was good but not good enough. 

Dejun leaned in and whispered, “You do know that you’re more than just that, right? You’re an actor. A phenomenal one. You weren’t accepted to this drama program by just being mediocre at best.”

I ignored my friend’s comment, eyes zoned in at the other end of the building. The crowd of usual theatre students crowded around the bulletin board, curious heads popping up and down trying to take a peek at the list. Some buzzed with excitement, happy they got a major part while others groaned in disappointment. You were most likely going to be with the later group. 

Once the cluster of students caught sight of Jaehyun, they parted like the red sea to let him through. It wasn’t really necessary, though, everyone knew the it-boy of the drama department was cast as the role of the misguided prince, Topher. 

The only question was: who was cast as his princess? Who was this year’s Ella?

I fought my way through the bunch with Dejun following behind me as our best friend was showered with congratulations. Jaehyun was all smiles, dimples prominent as he was lavished by the mass. Dejun made it to the list first. His finger dragged along the thin paper until he found his name. He cheered, pumping his fist up in joy. “I got the part I wanted! I’m Jean-Michel!”

Grinning at my friend, I sincerely congratulated him. He got the second lead: the feisty peasant looking for change. Turning again, his eyes grazed the list until Dejun found my name. His smile dropped ever so slightly and that was when I knew: I was beaten once again. 

“What part did I get?”

“Gabrielle,” he answered. Ah, the outwardly abrasive but quietly empathetic sister. The second lead, love interest of Jean-Michel. At least I was playing Dejun’s opposite. 

I took a step closer, wondering who took the part of the kind princess. Squinting at the small print, my eyes scanned the jumble of words until I saw it.

Ella……………………….Lee Naeun Ella u/s………………….Y/N

I scoffed. Forever the understudy. The Wonderstudy of the Theatre Department indeed.

The first rehearsal, otherwise known as the read-through, took a toll on me. It was usually a two to three hour long session, filled with loud chatter, crazy introductions, and a variety of crazy theatre games to break the ice. When the niceties ended, everyone took their seats in their plastic chairs that were arranged in a huge circle. Bae Joohyun, the head stage manager began reading the stage directions aloud as the table read began. The production’s director, Professor O’Hare, sat alongside Joohyun, jotting down notes and giving out commentary when needed. 

Amongst the reading of lines were tiny whispers, the sound of highlighters and pencils marking the paper, and the simultaneous turning of pages. The music director, Professor Lau sat at the piano bench and sight-read the music to give the cast a taste of the songs. Being the first rehearsal, the few who knew of the songs sang along to the accompaniment with joyous smiles, myself and Dejun included.

When Professor Lau played the first romantic duet between the leads, all heads turned to Jaehyun and Naeun who sat side-by-side. With it being their first time together, the performance was far from perfect but it was still something. His lower tone blended nicely with her softer voice and the shy glances they exchanged made their duet quite a sight. 

As Jaehyun and Naeun read the last lines for Act One, I noticed the way Jaehyun’s gaze kept flittering back to Naeun’s pretty face. The girl was focused on her lines, head down and hair blocking her gorgeous features, but he still kept looking at her and only her. I could imagine how the scene was playing out in his head, the world slowing down until Naeun was the only one moving.  He was infatuated. Twitterpated. 

And it hurt. It hurt more than reading the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet or listening to Elphaba’s desperate cry she lets out when she loses Fiyero. Call me dramatic but that was how I felt. 

It wasn’t like I tried getting over him. It wasn’t like I tried dating other people before; I had many, many times but my mind always drifted back to my best friend. He was the boy with the richest brown eyes, the perfectly dimpled smile, and the lowest laugh that set my heart aflame. Without even knowing it, Jaehyun had this incredible hold on my broken heart and he would not let me out of his grip. 

The green-eyed monster inside me resurfaced and I hated it. I absolutely hated it— why was I so pathetically in love with my best friend? 

 “Here we go again,” I said before dropping my head onto the table. 

“You say that every time and you keep running back to him at the end of the day,” Dejun whispered before looking back down at his script. His hand continued to jet across the page, his highlighter marking his many lines. 

Rolling up the script in my hand, I whacked his side. The action caused his hand to jerk the bright marker in another direction, striking a distorted line on his page. “Look what you did, twerp!” he hissed.

“Your fault, Eyebrows!”

“Stop calling me that, you fork!”

“Hey, only I can call her fork!” Jaehyun appeared out of nowhere, plopping alongside me. His voice snapped us out of our little argument, making us realize that the director called for a fifteen. 

“That’s only because you’re a dumb spoon,” I stuck my tongue out at him. Jaehyun pretended to reach for it and I blew a raspberry at him to retaliate. 

“You two idiots are my favorite cutlery set,” Dejun shook his head with a laugh. He was probably wondering why he stuck around us the majority of the time. 

“Let off it, Dejun,” Jaehyun said with the roll of his brown orbs. 

“Only if you let me be the knife to your set.”

“As if, dumbass,” I countered with a laugh. 

“Okay but you guys, can we stop fighting for a sec and talk about how I got her number?” Jaehyun beamed, throwing his arms over both our shoulders. He pulled us closer to his body and the faint smell of his musky cologne hit my nose. I held back a sigh as it filled my senses. Oh, to be drowned in his scent. 

“I got Naeun’s number!” he repeated excitedly, his strong arms shaking us. I held back my abrupt want to push him off. I wasn’t in a celebrating mood. My heart was too broken to care.

“Of course you did, when do you not get a girl’s number?” I answered a bit too bitterly. Raising a brow at him, I added, “Are we supposed to be surprised?”

“Listen,” Jaehyun countered, pulling back from me. “I don’t like that attitude, Forky.”

I scoffed, “Never stopped you from being my friend before, Jae.”

Jaehyun didn’t answer; he was too busy clutching his phone. His pretty brown eyes were fixed on Naeun’s contact page like it was the world’s greatest treasure. His eyes were sparkling in admiration before his gaze turned to the girl across the room. The look my best friend wore on his face was soft, the smile on his lips light. “I think she could be the one.”

Some thought him to be a player but I never thought of him that way. He might have had the looks of a heartbreaker but he had the purest heart of gold. The boy with the dimpled smile, porcelain skin, and cheeks as red as roses was a hopeless romantic to his very core. He was simply looking for his other half. 

“I think she could be the one.” His words repeated in my head, his voice pestering me. My heart lurched at them despite hearing them each semester. 

Jaehyun said this every year, with every girl. He said this when he crushed on Son Wendy, Kim Chungha, and so many more. His infatuations and crushes ended just as easily as they started. The boy was more than disappointed when the initial spark with each girl ended after a show’s run ended. When the musical closed, so did his feelings for each opposite. 

I never got stage fright; I was usually the one who said what was on her mind without a moment’s hesitation. So why was I hesitating to tell him my feelings?

Why was I hesitating to say that the one Jaehyun could be looking for was standing right next to him?

Just another rehearsal at the auditorium. 

Just another day watching my best friend fall for his leading lady.

Jaehyun and Naeun were standing in the middle of the stage, the ensemble surrounding them. He stood behind her, his hands gently placed on her waist while she leaned back into his touch. Naeun was wearing a fluffy tulle skirt, a mock-up of her ballgown. Park Sooyoung, the resident fashion major and lead costume designer, pushed her to wear it so she could get used to the estimated size of her dress. Even in a mere tank top and tulle skirt, Lee Naeun looked like a princess.

Professor Kwon, the choreographer of the production, stood at the end with a watchful eye. She counted them off, walking them through the routine while the rest of us practiced our steps off to the sidelines. 

Once the two main characters got the hang of their steps, Professor Kwon motioned for Professor Lau to play the songs from the beginning. As much as I tried to focus on my own dance moves, my mind kept wandering back to Jaehyun. 

Imagining him under the spotlight in a perfectly tailored suit, a crown sitting on his head, extending his arm out not to Naeun but to me. It was one of those movie moments where the characters and the audience watching fell in love. 

If life was like a movie, things would be so much easier. 

So lost in my thoughts, I missed a count and stepped on my partner’s foot. Muttering a quiet sorry to him, we continued on with the routine. As my partner swirled me around the dance floor, I drifted back into my daydream.

My utterly impossible daydream where I was the girl Jung Jaehyun was infatuated with. Although this play talked about impossible things happening everyday, I couldn’t imagine this ever happening. 

The terrible thing about being a theatre major in university was being a theatre major with midterms. Not only did I have to deal with hours of my back hunched over a desk and scattered study materials, I had to spend half of my days in the school’s theatre rehearsing. 

If I was not in class scribbling down last minute notes in notebooks,  I was learning dance routines or running lines on and off stage alongside Dejun. The days were long and the nights were even longer. Sometimes, the cast fell asleep in the seats of the auditorium while rehearsals were going on. We were all losing sleep. Some of us were losing our sanity but hey, welcome to the theatre. 

My schedule was filled to the brim and I wasn’t even the main character of the show. On top of that, I had to memorize the part of Ella. Not that it was really needed in the first place. 

No one ever stepped down from a lead role while I was their backup. It just didn’t happen.

Despite the hectic lives of belonging to the theatre department, the musical was two months into production and everything was running smoothly. With a month and a left until opening night, everyone was off-book and the initial stage blocking was done. The costuming and makeup committee were finishing up their mock-up designs and the student orchestra sounded divine. 

I saw more of Dejun than Jaehyun lately, my best friend being preoccupied with his new love interest before, during, and after rehearsals. I was cast aside once again.

Was it something out of the ordinary? No.

Did it still hurt? Yes.

Did I do anything about it? Absolutely not. I didn’t want to ruin his happiness. I rather suffer than see him as nothing but joyous, even if the happiness was temporary. The grin he wore when he was in love was too beautiful to rip away. Jaehyun shined like the light from the sun. I could never bring myself to do it. 

It was week eight of rehearsals when I stepped out of my last midterm, my head absolutely empty after reading small text for over an hour. Reaching into my backpack’s front pocket, I pulled out my cell phone and quickly turned it on. My screen was flooded with missed calls and texts from Professor O’Hare, Joohyun, Jaehyun, and Dejun, the notification numbers reaching over a hundred total. 

Something must have happened. Talk about a theatre emergency. Knowing our kind, they were probably being overdramatic. 

Just as I was about to unlock my phone, a video call went through. It was Dejun. Rolling my eyes, I slid my finger across the screen to answer it. “Jeez, I know you love me but give a girl a break, Eyebrows!”

“God, you’re so conceited sometimes. Why didn’t you answer my calls?!” He shouted, face close to the phone. I winced at the volume, immediately lowering the level as I slipped on my wireless earbuds. “There are important matters to discuss here!”

“What happened this time? Did someone say Macbeth in the theatre again? You know I don’t believe in that shit,” I said sarcastically.

“Oh my god. This is not the time for jokes! Everyone’s been trying to reach you!” Xiaojun yelled once more. “Where are you?!”

“I just got out of my musical history midterm in Maple Hall. Heading to the theatre right now. Why?” I never received an answer; Dejun hung up the call. Giving my phone a weird look, I shoved it in my pocket before continuing on my way. A light push on my back prevented me from going too far. 

“Twerp!” Xiao Dejun’s voice came from behind me, yanking me by the straps of my backpack. He was breathing heavily, trying to catch his breath. “Oh my god, we’ve been looking for you everywhere,” he said in between heavy breaths. 

Crossing my arms, I cocked a brow at him. “Why’s that?”

Dejun placed a hand on my shoulder for support. The words came flying out of his mouth, I almost couldn’t catch what he was saying. So much for being a theatre major. 

“Speak clearly, Dejun. Enunciate, articulate, exaggerate, remember? We are thespians and thespians do not mumble!”

The exhausted boy ignored my theatricals. “Naeun didn’t land a switch leap right and she rolled her ankle during advanced ballet. She’s going to be out for at least three to four weeks,” my friend replied breathily, his words a lot clearer than before.

The news shocked me to the core, my feet suddenly planted to the ground. It sounded like he said Naeun was out of commission. “What?” 

“She’s out for three to four weeks! I mean sucks for her, I wish her a speedy recovery but do you know what this means?”

The lack of response from me urged him to continue, “Sweetheart, she’s out. You’re in!”

Oh shit. I was in.

The part I had always dreamed of was mine. The lead role was finally mine.

I was now Ella and Jung Jaehyun was my Prince Topher.

Having an understudy step up to their role halfway through production was always something to get used to. It was a setback, a minor one, but still a setback. Just as Jaehyun finally settled into his role and built an unshakeable bond with Lee Naeun as his opposite, the accident happened. His potential girlfriend was now out of the show and off her feet in order to push for a speedy recovery.

The lovesick boy couldn’t even be there for her because his rehearsal times increased in order to get his best friend adjusted to your new role. There he was, leaning against the piano while waiting for you to arrive.

Professor Lau sat at the bench, flipping through his sheet music until he found the song he was looking for. 

The door slammed open and you stumbled in. “Am I late? I’m sorry, I just heard the news.”

“No, not at all. You’re right on time,” the professor smiled at you. “The situation’s weird, I know but congratulations on getting Ella.”

“Thanks, Professor. That means a lot,” you grinned back. 

Dropping your bag by the piano, you swiftly pulled out the script. You glanced at Jaehyun’s opened book for the page number before hastily flipping through the pages. Jaehyun nudged your side. “Hey, Forky.”

“Hey yourself,” you elbowed him back, biting your bottom lip.

“Congrats, bubs. You did it,” he pulled you into a side hug before ruffling your hair with pride. You had finally gotten a part you wanted. It was your time to shine. As your best friend for many years, Jaehyun had been waiting for the day you could show the crowds your full potential.  

“Did I really do it or did your girlfriend just get injured? How is she, by the way?” 

As much as you tried to play the overdramatic, conceited girl, you never believed in yourself but Jaehyun always did. You deserve the spotlight; your talent was out of this world and the masses were finally granted a chance to see you for what you were— a star.

“You did this. You were made for this part as much as she was,” Jaehyun reassured his best friend with a smile. He tapped your nose. “And she’s not my girlfriend but she’s doing alright. Just in a little bit of pain. I’m going to see her after we finish.”

“Give her some well wishes for me,” you answered. Jaehyun didn’t notice your smile dropping into a small frown.

“You ready to act like you’re in love with me?”

“I was born ready, you doof.” There was something weird in your voice when those words left your lips but Jaehyun didn’t have time to process it.

Professor Lau guided the students through a series of warm-ups before asking, “Shall we start with Do I Love You Because You’re Beautiful today? We’ll do a couple of run-throughs before Jaehyun teaches you the blocking.” His fingers played the beginning notes of the song, the light melody drifting to their ears. 

Already off book at this point, Jaehyun closed his eyes and began to sing.

Do I love you because you’re beautiful? Or are you beautiful because I love you?

Am I making believe I see in you A girl too lovely to be really true?

Do I want you because you’re wonderful? Or are you wonderful because I want you?

Are you the sweet invention of a lover’s dream? Or are you really as wonderful as you seem?

When his eyes fluttered open, Jaehyun found himself facing you with a script in hand. Your face wore the softest look as you stared back at him. His breath almost caught in his throat at the gentle smile you wore. You played the part differently from Naeun and it was a refreshing sight to behold. You were playing a confused peasant but your eyes still sparkled with the gleam of a thousand suns. 

There was a flush of heat that started from his cheeks and extended to his reddening ears. His heart was doing its best to break out of his ribcage and the star of the show wasn’t sure if his chest could keep it in for very much longer.

When singing with him, Naeun was a pretty princess.

But when he sang with you, the girl in front of him? Jaehyun thought you were absolutely breathtaking.

Two hours later, we were finally free of rehearsals. My first rehearsal as Ella. My throat was a bit parched from all the singing and projecting I was doing but I felt lighter than air. Singing with Jaehyun made me feel lighter than air. I was weightless, nothing could hold me down.

“Forky, you’re really good,” he said to me as we walked to our cars. I tried to fight the sudden heat making its way to my face. Lately, compliments from him were hard to come by.

 It was already late when O’Hare and Lau finally let us out, the moon sitting high in the sky. The night breeze crept its way into my thin jacket, causing me to hug myself to retain some warmth. Noticing my struggle with the cold, Jaehyun quickly draped his jacket over my shoulders. I was immediately hit with his familiar scent, it was almost overwhelming. I should be used to this, his action of sharing his clothes with me was nothing new but I was weak. It affected me every single time. I guess I was that head over heels for him. 

Head over glass heels, one could even say.

“You’ve seen me in action before and I mean, I was chosen to be the understudy for a reason,” I gave him a shrug. 

“Yeah but I’ve never seen you act and sing like that. Just...wow.” Stealing a glance at him, Jaehyun almost looked enamored with me. He was giving me a look that was usually reserved for someone else. I felt my heartbeat pick up in my chest and flutters in my stomach.

“Stop that,” I blushed, pinching his skin through the thin material of his long-sleeved shirt. A satisfying buzz ran through my body. Was he really looking at me like that? I was probably reading too much into it.

“No, but it seemed so real. Like you weren’t pretending.”

“That’s because I wasn’t,” I whispered under my breath as we arrived at our cars. 

“Hmm, you say something?” Jaehyun asked, leaning closer to hear me. 

Shaking my feelings away, I ignored the dull ache in my chest and acted through the tears I was desperately holding in. I wrinkled my nose at him playfully, secretly pushing the pain down my throat. “You really don’t listen to a word I say, do you, Jae? I said, I’ll see you later.”

“See ya, Forky! Get home safely!”

Scoffing to myself, I realized how much of a great actor I was. I deserved an Oscar or a Tony for the scenes I played out, the ones where I pretended to be okay when I was far from it. 

What award do you ask? Best Actress in a Supporting Role— the best friend to Jung Jaehyun but never the love of his life.

Wardrobe fittings for productions were always an exciting day for the whole cast and crew. It was one step closer to putting on a show. Jaehyun was already dressed in one of his many costumes, a white suit with golden trimmings. It fit him for the most part, only tiny adjustments were needed. Members of the wardrobe department quickly pinned his neatly pressed jacket before taking it off his hands. Since he was the main character, Jaehyun was one of the first ones done. He was simply waiting for you to come out in your first dress— the white gown for the ball scene in Act One.

When you finally did all those minutes ago, Jaehyun swore his heart stopped. 

Ten minutes ago, Jaehyun saw his best friend walk through the curtains. Your face was bare, hair still in that lazy style you always sported but your clothes. The comfy clothing you usually rehearsed in was gone and replaced by a beautiful ball gown. Despite the pins that scattered throughout the material to fit your form, it still appeared majestic. There you were, standing before him and the rest of the cast, and you were the loveliest you had ever been.

Ten minutes ago, you walked in and his head was reeling. Time slowed down as you tentatively made your way towards him. You did not meet his eyes but Jaehyun was dying to catch your gaze. He never wanted to let you out of his sight. The picture of his best friend in white was something he wanted to treasure and suddenly, the slowness around him stopped. The cast’s cheers and squeals disappeared. There was only you in that beautiful ball gown. 

Was this the slow-motion moment you always talked about? The one you always dreamed about experiencing? Jaehyun could see why people thought it to be magic. It was almost like a movie, movie magic if you will. 

Another look at you and then Jaehyun was in the future, watching you make her way down the aisle. A thin veil covered your face and he was so tempted to push it away from concealing your dazzling smile. His heart was fighting its way out of his chest, wanting to head down the path straight to you. How he wanted to reach out and touch you, cradle you in his arms. 

You were truly an angel in white. A princess. A queen.

The mere sight of you took him to the skies, the one place he was sure you were from. Although Jaehyun would never admit it, he always thought you to be beautiful. Throughout the many years of being best friends, he would find his gaze subconsciously drifting to you. He would rip it away before you would ever notice him doing so, knowing you would tease the hell out of him for it— it was his own little secret tucked away into the corners of his beating heart. 

“How do I look?” Your question snapped him out of his daydream and back to reality. Back down to earth. 

“Sorry, what did you say?” 

“Oh my god, you stupid spoon! I said, how do I look?”

“Lovely,” he answered sincerely, his brown eyes digging into your own. “You look absolutely lovely.”

Ten minutes ago, you simply murmured a question while Jung Jaehyun came to a realization. The realization that he might’ve fallen for you: his Forky, his best friend.

The loveliest girl he had ever seen.

With Cinderella’s opening night being only a few weeks out, you and Jaehyun decided to fit in extra time together to run lines and songs outside of scheduled rehearsals. That was the plan for every weekend and that particular Saturday was no exception to this plan. When his doorbell rang frantically, Jaehyun groaned loudly before getting up to answer the door. Did you always have to be so obnoxious?

Just as the door swung open, your loud voice boomed into his apartment, “‘Sup, ho! Ready to rehearse the hell out of this show or what?”

He stepped aside to let you in and you immediately made yourself comfortable in his humble abode. Jaehyun almost laughed as he watched you. There was a particular routine you stuck to when visiting his place. First, you would take off your shoes, slip on your personal pair of slippers you left at his house, drop your bag on the kitchen counter, and then open his fridge to raid his food supply.

Precisely as Jaehyun predicted, you waddled to the fridge in your memory-foam duck slippers and stole one of his yakults. He loved how comfortable you were in his home. It was truly a heart-warming sight.  The act itself was extremely domestic and he quite liked the domesticity when it was with you. That flash of you in a wedding gown came back to him and he blushed at the thought. The idea of spending a future together was flooding his brain recently and he didn’t know what to do. 

You weren’t the one he liked. Naeun was but why were you the only person on his mind? Was it wrong to have you in his mind? Naeun wasn’t his girlfriend— they were still getting to know each other. His time with her decreased over time since you had stepped into the role of Ella. He was very fond of you. He always had been. There was this little piece of his heart that was reserved for you but was it because you were his best friend or was it more?

Jaehyun quickly snapped himself out of it. 

“First of all, I’m not a ho,” he said before grabbing a yakult of his own. He poked the straw through the foil a bit too harshly, the liquid splashing over the top. Damn his strength— now half of his drink was gone. “Second, stop slut-shaming me for my dating choices. It’s 2021. If I wanted to be a ho, I could be a ho.”

You rolled your eyes as you took a sip of your drink. “God, I hate you sometimes.”

“You need to stop lying to yourself, I know you’re hopelessly in love with me,” Jaehyun said, pointing his drink towards you. He caught you rolling your eyes at his answer.

“Oh, you’re absolutely right. I am irrevocably in love with you, Jung Jaehyun,” you said sarcastically, dramatically batting your eyelashes his way. Your confession, despite being a sarcastic statement, left his heart racing against time. 

“Alexa, play Hopelessly Devoted to You!” you yelled ironically. 

“Now playing Hopelessly Devoted to You by Olivia Newton-John,” an electronic voice boomed across his living room before the opening notes of the ballad began to play. 

“Shit! I forgot you actually had an Echo,” you jumped, not expecting that at all. Jaehyun chuckled at your reaction, loving how easily you scare. He always thought it was one of your cuter traits. 

“Alexa, stop!” he called. 

Jaehyun ran a hand through his hair. He dragged his feet to his bedroom, knowing you would follow without a word. “I can’t rehearse today, I have to write this damned analysis paper for a class. It’s due in two days.”

“I’m sorry, is that paper more important than your best friend in the entire world?” you pushed from behind him.

“Yes,” he deadpanned, taking a seat at his desk. Jaehyun’s study area was an absolute mess. His notebooks were scattered around the floor, textbooks opened to random pages, and his laptop opened to a google document.  

“That’s a motherfucking lie and you know it.”

“I really can’t rehearse now, Forky,” he sighed.

He glared at you as you theatrically fell onto his bed. The notes spread out on his bed flying to the floor. “Oh, woe is me! Jung Jaehyun cannot give me the time of day to rehearse. What am I to do?”

“Why are you like this?” 

“I’m a theatre student, I’m wired to be this obnoxious,” you said with a straight face. 

He stared at you through narrowed eyes. “I really hate you right now.”

“I know,” you countered with a flat tone. “But in all seriousness, Jaehyun. I won’t take too much of your time. I just wanted to practice our duets a couple of times and then I’ll be out of your hair. Plus, you look like you need a break.”

One look at you and he was a goner. How could he ever say no to his best friend?

“Ugh, fine.”

“Ha, I knew you would cave.”

“Shut up.”

The next hour with you was spent rehearsing the numbers. During the last run-through, Jaehyun suggested going over the blocking and putting their all in it. To act like it was opening night. You swiftly agreed and he played the music from the top.

Jaehyun led you around his room, spinning you across the floor as you sang. The smile on your face was so lovely, he could not take his eyes off your lips. His eyes fluttered to a close and he imagined you in your full costume, downed in your gown, as dainty as a daisy and as graceful as a bird. The thought of you dressed like a princess drove him crazy.

He never thought of Naeun this way. This was different. You were different but why?

Jaehyun opened his eyes to see you smiling so gracefully at him as the song was coming to an end. Just as planned in the show, your gaze flitted to his lips. You leaned closer and he followed, dipping his head to meet you halfway. His heart was skipping to its own beat as he inched down. Your soft lips brushed against his oh-so-gently as he held you in his arms but before the boy could press back, the door to his room swung open.

You broke away from him, shocked at the sudden arrival to see your other friend and Jaehyun’s roommate, Dejun. “Oops, was I interrupting something?” 

“I, uh, I gotta go.” Before you could even stop him, Jaehyun grabbed his wallet and phone off his desk and ran out his room. 

Confusion clouded his senses. Why did he feel empty after you pulled away? Why did he want to kiss you so badly? It was just a stage kiss.

Was it not?

Jaehyun’s door slammed shut behind him, leaving me and Dejun in his room. It wasn’t long before we heard the front door close, too. “Well, that was something,” Dejun said after his roommate shuffled out of the apartment.

“Shut up, Xiao Dejun,” I replied, smacking his arm. 

My friend lifted his arms up in defense before he gave me a pointed stare. “I’m just saying, the two of you looked really into it. It looked great, to be honest with you. No notes to give here— I’m sure O’Hare and Lau would say the same.”

“It’s just acting,” I tried to shrug it off. 

“Stop lying to yourself.”

“I’m not!”

“Bulltshit. I saw the way he looked at you— that’s not acting, twerp,” Dejun declared, his voice dropping. His voice never dipped in tone unless he was serious and in that moment, he was dead serious. My friend sounded like a frustrated tutor deliberately explaining a concept for the fifth time and I was the stubborn student who just didn’t understand.

“Yes, yes it is!”

“No, it’s not because that’s how he always looked at you!” 

“Lies!” I yelled accusingly, “We got Liza Minnelli over here!” 

“God, you’re so annoying sometimes! Why won’t you confess? Cat got your tongue? Nothing’s really stopped your sharp tongue before,” Dejun groaned at my stubbornness. He slapped a hand onto my shoulder. I tried to shrug him off but his grip was too strong. Maybe it was him trying to help me get a grip. Who knew? I honestly didn’t. 

“It’s not like I haven’t tried, you know?” An exasperated answer left my lips. I was tired. So ridiculously tired of dealing with these feelings for my best friend. It had been four years since I fell for him. Four years of trying to see other people, four years of trying to confess, and four long years of failing every time.  “I just freeze up like a deer in headlights or like you did when you performed that one monologue sophomore year in voice and movement class. Remember that, Jun?”

I felt his sharp glare burning a hole in my back. “You promised to never talk about that moment, you traitor,” he hissed, his hand squeezing the hell out of my shoulder. 

“Okay yeah but you get the point, right?” My nails dug into his skin, leaving little indents onto his hand. He yelped, finally jerking his hand back to examine it. Shaking my head, I added, “Plus, he’s my best friend. I just can’t do it!”

“So, what you’re saying is that you choose friendship over the possibility of him loving you?” 

“It’s just...I don’t know—” I started, shifting my body to face him, “—choosing friendship means that I’ll only lose love. But if I chose to confess and put my feelings out there, I could lose him as a potential lover and my best friend. I’m not prepared for that. I don’t think I ever will be.”

And there it was again. The self-doubt hit me, imposter syndrome resurfacing at an all time high, bringing me to the lowest of lows. 

The feeling of being a fraud, of being not good enough. 

For Jaehyun. For any love interest for that matter. For the role of Ella. For taking my place under the spotlight. 

“Dejun?”

“Hmm?”

“Am I—am I good enough?”

“For?”

“I—I don’t know—” I stuttered as my mind was consumed by my own crippling thoughts. I tried to stay strong but the crack in my voice gave me away, “—for anything? Everything?” 

“Oh, twerp,” Dejun said in that particular voice and then that was when the floodgates opened. The tears just came pouring down with no sign of stopping. My friend gently pulled me into his comforting arms. They were snug and I felt safe but not as safe as I did in Jaehyun’s hold.

“You, my darling, are definitely good enough. Don’t let your thoughts tell you otherwise.” Although his voice was comforting, it did not help the unhinged thoughts running through my brain. 

“Then, why does it always hurt when I don’t get the role of the leading lady? Of his leading lady? I always get so far and then, at the end of the day, I’m just not what they’re looking for. What he’s looking for.” Pining for something so unimaginable was too taxing. Having the lead role in a play and having Jung Jaehyun wear his heart on his sleeve just for me. 

“Sometimes, the roles aren’t made for you and that’s okay.”

“But what about this one?”

“This one, twerp, this one is a little different.” 

“And why’s that?”

“Because there is music in you; it goes hand in hand with Jaehyun, like a melody to his harmony. You are his Ella and he’s your Topher,” Dejun urged. It was like he was begging me to not give up hope. 

“You’re just saying that.”

“I’m really not. You just gotta do what the theatre gods tell us to do: just trust the process.” 

How could I trust the process when all it did was hurt me by allowing me to have a glimpse of a love and a life that would never be mine? 

Opening night finally arrived. Everyone was called to the theatre for a full run through in the afternoon: the final dress rehearsal hours before the doors opened and the curtains were drawn. I had gotten there earlier to soak in the calmness of the empty auditorium before the chaos began.

I heard heavy footsteps come from behind me. Even without turning around, I knew it to be Jaehyun. The boy took a seat next to me on the wooden prop walls that were locked into the ground. If the stage managers and props committee saw us, they would’ve definitely ripped our heads off but they weren’t— it was just us.  

“Penny for your thoughts, my dear Ella?”

“Topher,” I answered, playing along with his game. “Lovely to see you here bright at early.”

“I knew you would be here and I wanted to be here with you,” he said, pulling me into a side hug. Jaehyun knew me well but did he know me well enough? “Spill it, Forky. What’s wrong?”

“Sometimes I still doubt myself,” I said a little too fast. A loud sigh followed my reveal. The crippling doubt was always there, haunting me. Let me tell you, it was not the best thing in the world to have during an opening for a new production. 

“Oh yeah?” Jaehyun asked, pushing me to continue. I felt the soft brush of his palm against my hand. His fingers grabbed hold of my wrist before fighting their way to tangle with my own fingers. The sensation tickled, taking me away from my thoughts for a fraction of a second. I played with his fingers, watching the way his pinkish hand fit with mine. 

I refused to look at him; I was too afraid of breaking down.“Doubting myself, my abilities. Always the understudy, never the star, remember?”

Jaehyun hummed. He rested his chin on my shoulder. “Did something change?”

“Yeah, I finally realized that maybe it wasn’t that I wasn’t right for the part; the part wasn’t right for me,” I laughed a bit dryly. “Does that make any sense?” 

“Weirdly, yes,” he replied, his breath blowing against my neck. I tried to ignore the tickling sensation and the way it made me feel. 

“But this is different— I feel like I was made to play Ella. Made to play her even though I got the part in this odd, unconventional way,” I turned my head to the side to avoid eye contact. “The girl who sees the good in everything despite the hardships and suffering she went through.”

“Without a doubt, I believe that you belong on stage with me,” Jaehyun answered sincerely, “and I’m glad we have the chance to finally play opposites.” 

He squeezed my smaller palm in support. I appreciated the reassurance; the action slightly calmed me down before she took the next step. Possibly the biggest step of my entire life. “There’s something else I realized, too.”

“Oh yeah, what’s that?” Jaehyun asked softly. 

Taking a deep breath, I said, “I realized that I could be right for you.” 

It took him a minute, a long solid minute before Jaehyun could bring himself to respond to my confession. I wondered what he was thinking at that moment, when those words left my mouth. “Right for me?” came his tentative reply. A quick glimpse at his ears and I saw the burst of red. He was caught off guard, embarrassed. 

“Yeah,” I said almost shamefully. Was I ashamed of my feelings? I never was ashamed before. Maybe it was because Jaehyun finally saw me for who I truly was— his highly dramatic best friend that was head over glass heels for him. 

“How long— how long have you felt this way?” The red of his ears seeped to his rosy cheeks. 

“Ever since we were a dumb pair of utensils,” I replied sincerely, my voice wavering at the truth, “a set of ridiculous tableware.”

There was an awkward chuckle that left his drying lips. I heard him click his tongue, a habit he did when Jaehyun never knew what to say. It seemed like I rendered him speechless. “Since we were sixteen? That long and you didn’t say anything?”

“You’re really asking me that?”

“Yes, I really am!”

“Jaehyun, c’mon. Use your brain! How was I supposed to? You’re my best friend and when you’re not my best friend, you’re out there chasing other girls,” I stopped to lick my drying lips. There was another inkling of silence and I gulped at how tense the atmosphere was. “And I thought maybe once, just once, you would chase after me, too.” 

I almost laughed; my greatest desire was finally out in the world and it was greeted by silence. 

“But what if I’m wrong for you?” 

And there it was. The rejection I was preparing for. Giving him a pained smile that failed to meet my ears, I said, “Then that’s life, I guess.”

“You guess?” 

“Well, I can’t make you act like you’re in love with me, can I?” I snapped, my pain taking the best of me. It clouded my brain, blocking off all rational thoughts out of my head. “This isn’t a play or a movie with a script, Jaehyun. This is real fucking life.” 

Hurt. I was being overwhelmed with a wave of hurt and anguish. My body was trembling as much as my eyes were. I felt them growing wet and I shut them closed. My hands curled into fists, nails digging into my skin. It stung but not as much as being rejected by the one you loved most. The lead of the movie in your mind. 

“Wait, no, that’s not what I meant,” Jaehyun tried to stop me from getting off the stage. I pulled away from him, quickly snatching my belongings before heading to the nearest exit. Turning back around before I left the empty auditorium, I experienced another moment in slow-motion. 

There Jaehyun was in all his glory— denim jacket slipping over his broad shoulders, dark brown hair sticking up in all directions and a confused look on his face. He looked like a mess under the spotlight of my mind but nevertheless, he was my mess of a best friend.

He was my mess of a best friend and that was all he was going to be. That fact hurt more than being the forever understudy. 

Why couldn’t I fast forward this portion of my life? Why must I suffer this much?

Why couldn’t I escape the role of being second best?

If only my life was a movie, then maybe I wouldn’t be everyone’s second choice. His second choice.

If we were in a movie, Jung Jaehyun would be my best friend and my perfect match. Our story would be the typical friends-to-lovers saga that every girl dreams of. It would end happily with the credits rolling to a perfectly timed soundtrack. 

Too bad this wasn’t a movie— this was real life and life came with complications.

After that confrontation, you and Jaehyun were off and not off the charts— just off. The directors noticed it. The stage hands noticed. The cast noticed it. The final run-through before the curtains opened just finished and it was an absolute disaster because of the way you acted with Jaehyun. Every time he opened up his body to you, the response you gave him was closed off. Cold. 

To the rest of the cast and crew, the prince and princess didn’t seem very much in love that day— they didn’t even seem friendly. You and Jaehyun seemed like two strangers trying to work their way across a stage. There was no connection. There was nothing else there. 

Now, if only you would let Jaehyun talk to you, maybe something would change but you didn’t. You ran away every chance you could. It was like Cinderella, but you didn’t leave a glass slipper behind. You didn’t leave anything behind. 

Less than an hour before showtime and he couldn’t even talk to you. Let alone look at you. He sighed into his hand, palms applying pressure to his eyes. Jaehyun cursed under his breath, forgetting that he had a heavy amount of stage makeup on his face. Looking into the mirror, he saw his makeup was still intact. Thank the theatre gods for the Ben Nye Final Seal Setter. It seemed like that it was the only thing set in stone at that moment. 

The door to Jaehyun’s dressing room slammed open and Dejun waltzed in, fully dressed in his costume.“Dude, what was up with you and the twerp during that dress rehearsal? You were so off!”

He received no reply, Jaehyun was too zoned out to hear. Dejun hopped onto the counter of Jaehyun’s dresser. Usually, the action would shock the main lead but Jaehyun was too lost in thought.“Well, you know what they say about a bad dress rehearsal. That means we’ll have a good opening night,” Dejun said, eyeing his friend for his lack of response.

Finally looking away from his reflection, Jaehyun glanced up at Dejun with a look of disbelief. “She likes me?”

His friend jumped off the counter with widened eyes.“Oh my god, did she finally confess? Was that why you were acting weird?”

“Dejun, you knew?” Jaehyun slammed his palms on his dresser. The makeup products on the tabletop shook, leaving the other guy to wince at the show of strength. 

“Honestly for being the ace of the theatre department, you sure are dumb,” Dejun replied a bit too casually as he leaned into the mirror to examine his appearance. He clicked his tongue upon realizing his cheeks didn’t have enough color. The stage lights would wash him out. The boy reached for Jaehyun’s pink blush and a clean wedge before applying it onto the apples of his cheeks.

“What should I do?”

“Well, Jaehyun, what do you want to do?” Dejun asked, turning side to side to double-check his reflection. 

“I don’t know that’s why I’m asking you!” Jaehyun fired back with vigor, hating how casual his best friend was acting. He was having a before-show crisis and his best friend was calmly stealing his bottle of Ben Nye, spraying his beautifully sculpted face with the setting spray.

“Well, do you like her more than a friend? And what about Naeun?”

“Yes? No? I don’t know! But—”

“But?” His friend asked before hopping onto the countertop. The actor raised his perfectly shaped eyebrows at his friend and Jaehyun had the sudden urge to pluck the beauties they were until Dejun had no eyebrow hair left. When Jaehyun didn’t reply, Dejun repeated his question.

Dropping his head in his hands, Jaehyun hesitantly replied, “There was this moment when I saw her and it was like that thing she always said? The slo-mo thing?”

Dejun’s head perked up. “You saw her in slow motion?” 

“Yeah, it was like time stopped. All I saw was her and then…” Jaehyun thought back to seeing you in a wedding dress. He changed his mind; he didn’t want to talk about his feelings. All he wanted to do was make sure opening night ran as smoothly as possible. Grabbing his white suit jacket for the top of Act One, the boy stood up in an attempt to escape his friend’s sudden peak in curiosity. “Never mind, this is ridiculous. I gotta go, Dejun.” 

“No, you’re not going anywhere until you actually confront your damn feelings,” Dejun said, shoving his friend back in his chair. “Do you like Naeun?”

There was a pause before he answered truthfully: “Yes.”

“Okay, and are your feelings for Naeun stronger than what you have for your best friend?” 

“No,” Jaehyun released another sigh as he leaned back in his chair. A hand reached up to brush through his hair before he remembered that it was gelled back in place. He dropped his hand to rub the back of his neck, not wanting to mess with his looks before places. “I was infatuated with Naeun but with her, god, she’s something else and it took me this long to realize it.”

“How do I know you’re not just saying that?” Dejun questioned, squeezing his friend’s shoulders a bit too tightly. Jaehyun thought his friend was testing him and for a good reason. If he was in Dejun’s position, Jaehyun would’ve grilled his friend, too. “How do I know you’re actually in love with her? Yes, you’re my roommate and best friend but she’s my best friend, too. I can’t let you hurt her if all you feel is something temporary. I can’t let you treat her like those other girls.”

“Because she’s The One, Dejun. I’m certain of it,” Jaehyun snapped back. “When I look at her, I see everything I’ve been searching for. It’s like I was blind for the longest time, you know? She was always just Forky to me back when I didn’t know any better. But now I see and all I see is her— her, with all her flaws. The way she hides her insecurities with her dramatic outbursts. How she picks at her cuticles when she’s nervous or how she always steals my food at home. And the way she just fits with me. I can’t explain it.”

Jaehyun didn’t even give his friend a chance to butt in. He was still rambling on with a fond smile, his mouth running a mile. “She’s been there with me since the beginning, Jun. Before I was this prince of the theatre department, she was there. She’s been there since the beginning and even when I was chasing after girls, she was there at the middle of it all, and fuck, I want to go all the way to the end with her.”

Dejun released his hold on his friend and rolled his eyes. The boy made his way to the door of the dressing room before mumbling under his breath, “God, what is with you two and giving out monologues? I swear, when this is all over, you should become playwrights.”

“What?”

“Never mind me, Jaehyun,” Dejun opened the door and gestured for Jaehyun to follow the path— the path down the hall that led to you. “What are you waiting for? Go get her, we have 30 until Joohyun calls for places!”

“Dejun, it’s much more complicated than that.”

“It’s only as complicated as you make it out to be. Just— just go and talk to her, yeah?”

Jaehyun sighed deeply as he reached your dressing room door. He knocked lightly, running through the lines he wanted to say in his head before you shouted a faint “come in.” The door squeaked open to reveal you, his best friend in the whole entire world, touching up your makeup. The best friend that he was inescapably in love with. You watched him through the mirror as he leaned against the frame with crossed arms. 

“Can we talk after the show? There’s something I need to tell you— it’s important. I don’t think I—um, I have enough time to tell you now,” Jaehyun asked, stuttering through his words. Gone was the confidence he usually bared. The only thing left in him was a scared little boy, afraid of the problem his words may cause. 

The smile he received from you did not reach your ears. “Of course,” you replied curtly before turning away from him. He noted how you were over applying your blush and fidgeting with your costume. You were doing everything in your power to avoid him. 

The tugging of your ear, the biting of your lip, the picking of your cuticles. He saw all your bad habits. You were a ball of nerves and the speaker announced it was ten minutes before places.

“Hey, Forky?”

“Yes, Jaehyun?”

“You know that I believe in you, right? Always?”

There was a twitch at the corner of your lips. “I do.”

“Good,” Jaehyun approached you with caution. You watched him from your mirror, never making direct eye contact as he came closer. He dropped a kiss on the crown on your head, relishing in the way his plush lips against your torn bandana and the lace front wig. “Break a leg, my Ella.”

He observed you through your reflection and took in how beautiful you looked in your rags. You made the rags the costume department designed for you look like riches. 

“Same goes to you, my prince,” he heard you answer in that soft tone.  Again, you had sent him to the skies and the boy was struggling to find his way back down.

When it was time to draw the curtains and light the lights for the first performance of Cinderella, it seemed like everything fell into place.  Jaehyun stared at you across the stage, falling for the way the lights illuminated your figure in that white ball gown. The bright glow brought his attention to your bright grin, that beautiful and radiant smile of yours, that shocked him to his core. 

Jaehyun locked eyes with you and suddenly, he was drowning. He was drowning in your expressive eyes. He was drowning in your overflowing love. 

It was different being across from you in front of a full audience. There was a rush that took over him whenever he saw you and it beat the flurries his heart experienced with his other leading ladies. As you said your lines with that bewitching sparkle in your eye, Jaehyun hated himself for not realizing how much he loved you sooner or how you were never playing pretend. 

But that was okay because Jung Jaehyun loved you now. He loved you in the world you made believe on stage, where he was Prince Topher and you were his Ella, and he loved you in reality where you would always be the fork to his spoon. 

Opening night went smoothly and the roaring applause I received during my final bow sent me to the moon. The way Jaehyun looked at me across the stage with eyes filled with pride and joy blasted me to places I had never been before. I became high on this feeling of being under the burning spotlights. The feeling of wearing the most intricate costume and the way his hand slid into mine for the last bow before the curtains were drawn; it was something I wanted to treasure for the rest of my life.

But with every high came a low— my low hit me when I ran into Jaehyun’s dressing room. I caught him in an embrace with Naeun who gifted my best friend with a rose. She placed a kiss on his cheek, causing his white ears to flush a deep red that rivaled the flower he held. The girl gave him a quick shove of the shoulder before heading to me. 

Her congratulatory statement went in one ear and out the other. I could barely process Naeun handing me a rose of my own before she walked out of the room, the sweet scent of her perfume lingering in her wake. She gave my best friend one more lingering look as she left and it hurt me in so many ways.

“Ready to go?” Jaehyun said, clearing his throat. “Wanna stop by the stage first? Soak in your first opening night as a lead?”

“Why the hell not?” The walk back to the stage was short. It felt different somehow.

“We did it,” I whispered.

“That we did,” he answered back. 

We walked onto the stage together and I could still hear the crowds cheering for me, giving me the standing ovation I earned. It was electrifying, the way the sparks ran through my body. It ran from the top of my head to the tips of my fingers and toes. 

Glancing around the empty auditorium, I pondered aloud, “But do you know what sucks about it all, Jaehyun?”

“What?”

“There’s nothing worse than the feeling of not being chosen and it still hurts that I wasn’t the first choice,” I replied truthfully, “Not as much as before. But I’m learning to get over it. The casting directors saw potential in me.”

“That’s because you do have the potential to be a star. You’re practically glowing right now.” I felt his eyes trained on me, just like they were the entire time we shared the stage. 

Turning abruptly to face him, I said, “You really can’t say that to me, you know?”

“And why’s that?”

“Because it makes my heart beat against my chest and these stupid butterflies come around before I remember that you have never chosen me to be your first choice,” I glared. 

“But I do choose you,” Jaehyun pushed, his voice laced with desperation, “That’s what I was trying to tell you before you stormed off on me earlier!”

“Are you really choosing me, Jaehyun? The real me? The me that has been your best friend for years? Or are you choosing the me that shares a stage with you every night? The me that could potentially be your next whirlwind romance?” No matter how desperate he sounded, he couldn’t beat the hopelessness that was dripping from my own voice. 

“No, that’s not it at all!” his voice boomed, the sound echoing throughout the empty auditorium. 

“Then, what is it, Jung Jaehyun? Because I am tired of being second best and I’m tired of not being chosen,” I almost cried. The anguish was just taking over my body and I couldn’t make it stop. “Yes, I know some parts are not right for me but I can’t help but be hurt. And then you say that you’re choosing me? Of course, I’m going to think of it being because I’m your newest love interest on stage.”

“If you could just listen—”

Unable to stop the words from coming out, I just kept running off at the mouth. Everything I wanted to say to Jaehyun was flying out of my lips at rapid speed; I couldn’t even stop it. “I have seen you in slow motion so many times and I want to just fast forward from those moments. To speed past them so I can move on from the idea of not being yours. I refuse to be a temporary love that you lose interest in. I just want you to pick me, to choose me, and to love me, damn it— is that too fucking much to ask for? To be chosen and loved?”

While I was taking a breath to continue with my rant, Jaehyun cut me off and the words he said rattled the stage, the ground beneath my feet, and my whole entire world.“No, it’s not and you are way fucking more than that, if you just take a moment out of your godforsaken monologue and listen to me! I choose you not because you’re my leading lady but because you’re you. You’ve always been this— this incredible, breathtaking you.” 

He took one step closer and I took one step back. “And you’ve the person at my side when no one else is.” 

Every single time I would retreat, Jaehyun would follow. The boy was persistent, his brown eyes trained on me. “The one who figured out you loved me first while I was too blind to see it. You’re the fork to my spoon. We’re a set, we go together. And I was too dumb to figure out that at the end of the day, I always think about you and how no one I’ve ever been with compares to you.”

 When my back hit the wall, I was trapped. Trapped in between his arms and the way they propped themselves on either side of my face. Trapped in the haze of his brown eyes and how they dug deep into my soul. 

 “I don’t see you in slow motion— I see you in fast forward. I see you in the future, my future, walking down the aisle in white and I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. All I know is that I choose you. I will always choose you.”  

I was trapped by Jung Jaehyun and there was no escape for me. Judging by the way his eyes never let me out of his sight, there was a chance my friend didn’t want to let me go either. He wanted me to stay. 

“Jaehyun, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I love you. You’re my beginning, middle, and my end.”

“You love me? Like you’re in love with me?” Jaehyun heard you ask, like the possibility of being loved by him was so impossible. You were searching for any inkling of doubt but he made sure you couldn’t find any because you were the only thing he could see. 

Jaehyun brought a hand near your cheek. It hovered there as he hesitated to touch it to your skin until you leaned into his touch. Your cheek felt so warm in his palm and it was so comforting to have you in his hold. “I wanted to say it earlier but I was just so scared of losing you as both a lover and a friend because what if it all goes to shit? What if we go to shit and things hit the fan? I can’t lose you.” 

“But you, Jung Jaehyun, are in love with me?” you repeated as your hand cupped his own. The smile you gave him was bright enough to light up the stage. 

“Yeah, I thought I made that clear. I’m sorry, did I mumble that line?” he teased playfully, trying to coerce a giggle out of you. “Should I start the scene over?”

“No, no. I’m just—” you paused and he watched you recollect your thoughts. His glittering brown eyes were trained on you as the words processed in your head. “You love me,” you laughed in disbelief. 

Jaehyun took a step closer, his hand tentatively reaching out to stroke your face. He sighed in relief as you relaxed into his touch. “You’re my number one girl. I choose you.” 

“Well, it’s a good thing that even after all this time, I’ve always chosen you, too.”

Once those words left your lips, he couldn’t hold himself back. Wrapping his arms around your waist, Jaehyun pulled you against his chest and smashed his lips against yours. Yes, he had kissed you on multiple occasions prior to this— onstage and off— but this time was different than the rest.

 This was the first time he really kissed you after your feelings were out in the open.

The first time he kissed you and finally felt the love you harbored for so many years. Jaehyun just hoped you could sense the love he was pouring out for you, too. 

He did not want to let you go but he was struggling to breathe. You were so lovely, everything about you was so incredibly lovely, and to have you in his arms was the best feeling in the universe. Everything around him turned dark and he felt the warmth of a spotlight and the flush of your body against him. The entire world was spinning beneath his feet, his heart racing, and his lips chasing you and only you. 

Jaehyun did not understand why people did drugs— the high of being so ardently in love with another person, with you, gave him the high that he needed. 

He felt you hit his chest in an attempt to end the kiss but Jaehyun did not want to stop. A light shove to his shoulders was enough to separate his lips from yours and what a sight you were— chest panting heavily for air, lips plumped and swollen, and the prettiest set of eyes widened in shock.

“You kissed me!” you said in between pants. “Like not a stage kiss but you actually kissed me!”

“That I did, love,” Jaehyun replied cheekily, taking another step towards you. You stepped back to lean against the wall but did nothing to stop him from coming forward. “Are you gonna do something about it?” 

The look in your eyes changed after you heard his new nickname for you. It was coy. Flirty. Challenging. “Do it again, I dare you,” you whispered a bit too loudly. 

Before Jaehyun closed the distance, his eyebrow perked up at the challenge. “Gladly.”

Senior year was there before we knew it. 

Another year, another posting day. 

Dejun, Jaehyun, and I swiftly made our way down the hall to the front of the theatre department, curious to find out which roles we were given. The spring production and the final musical of our college career was Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. 

Callbacks for Belle went as smooth as ever— the chemistry between Jaehyun and I were off the charts. But why wouldn’t they be? We were together now. 

Just like any other time, the crowds gathering around the cast list and bulletin board parted immediately once they caught a glimpse of Jaehyun approaching. The only difference was that this time, he was tightly clutching my hand. 

When we arrived in front of the board, I shut my eyes before I could read the cast list. An anxious buzz flowed through my veins, tickling the tips of my fingers and toes. My boyfriend must’ve felt the twitching of my fingers or the sweat dripping off my palms. 

I felt his body shift towards me. “Want me to take a peek first, love?” Jaehyun asked as he pressed his plump lips onto the crown of my head. He nuzzled his nose into my hair, a small but sweet action that always comforted me. 

Shaking my head, I looked at him and said, “No, why don’t we look together?”

“On three?” he grinned lovingly.

“On three, you dumb spoon.”

The countdown was quick but the glance I took at the cast list was even quicker. It was so quick, I almost didn’t catch who was put into the role of Belle. Taking a double take, I let go of Jaehyun’s hand as my eyes zeroed in onto the tiny print. 

Everything around me came to a stop as I read and re-read the cast list. Everyone around me was celebrating their parts but I couldn’t hear them, they were all muted in my mind. All I could hear was the sound of my own breaths  and all I could see my name on the top of the page. 

Belle……………..Y/N The Beast……..Jung Jaehyun

“Oh my god, I got the part,” I whispered to no one in particular. Backing away from the board, I repeated the same words a little louder and it got the attention of everyone surrounding me. Before I knew it, everyone threw a congratulations my way. The cheers were loud and obnoxious but they were for me because I did it. I finally did it.

Feeling a little overwhelmed, I backed away from the blustering crowd before bumping into my boyfriend’s firm chest. Jaehyun caught me in his hold, his arms circling around my waist. He dropped his chin on my shoulder and placed a tender kiss on my temple. “Would you look at that? We’re not a ridiculous set of tableware this time.”

“No disrespect to those parts, they were awesome, but I think I like this a lot more,” I giggled, turning in his hold. 

As I circled my arms around his neck, he whispered, “Same here.”

I yanked him down into an earth-shattering kiss that sent the world spinning beneath my feet. It slowed down, speeded up, and it did everything in between. I saw flashes of yellow ball gowns, royal blue coats, and Jaehyun smiling at me gracefully across the stage. 

Jaehyun staring me down from the other end of an altar. 

I saw it all. 

If my life was a movie, then this would be the time that the screen would fade to black and show the names. Some overly poppy song would resonate through the speakers and everyone would get up from their seats and gush over the happy ending.

But it wasn’t. My life was as real as it could be and it was even better than any romantic-comedy that would ever grace the screen. 

This wasn’t the ending. 

This was the perfect beginning. 

AUTHOR’S NOTE. hello, my darling readers! you really didn’t have to wait that long for this release, did you? a big thank you to several people: @johtenrecs for always being my beta and for the helpful feedback, to my chaotic gc ( @smoll-tangerine, @ppangjae, @jaedore​, and @jeongvision) for listening to me complain about how i was losing it while writing this fic, to @suhpressed​ for helping me with brainstorm, and lastly, to my lovely @notnctu bc without her and our crazy idea of hosting a hannah montana collab, i wouldn’t have gotten this idea! love y’all! hope you enjoyed this and please leave feedback! uwu

TAGLIST. @yasmini24 @jaehyunnie77 @emmybyeakitty @fluffyjaes @aevizen @dearjaehyxn @yourmagnanimousholiness @jaehyvnsvalentine @keemburley @softieus @lanadreamie @lebrookestore  @notmangojuice @felixn-recs @captainsjoongs @anotherfullsun @ukiyoneo @kunrengui​ @babyyynatty​ 

© sehunniepotwrites, 2021

#nctsworldfwc #neowritingsnet #cznnet #nct scenarios #nct fic #nct imagines #nct x you #jung jaehyun #jaehyun #jaehyun imagines #jaehyun scenarios #jaehyun x you #jaehyun fic #jaehyun fluff #jaehyun angst

[wannabe-fic-writer]

All Over Again - Chapter 10

Summary: What was lost can be found. 

Warning: 18+ Smut, Language, Violence. 

Ch. 9

* * * * * *

A loud groan sounds as booted feet stomp into the Quinjet. 

Tension twists in the air, wrapping around each member of the team as they move about in silence. 

Sam, having just been the one groaning, frustratedly throws his mission issued earpiece into the wall. The little device breaks on impact, plastic chipping and sliding across the jet floor. 

Your eyes linger on a single broken piece, hands clenching into fists around the edge of the seats beside you. 

That priority mission that you’d all been preparing for for weeks just ended horribly. And you can’t figure out how everything went south.

One second you all were neutralizing the last of the threat, yourself and Sam heading toward the containment cells. And the next, the super powered that was supposed to be locked inside the cell was attacking you. 

They were quick, calculating. Every move you made they made a smarter, faster one. The fight left the two of you bruised and battered physically and mentally.

Admittedly this could’ve been much worse, had Wanda not been there to calm the brute there’s no telling what would’ve happened to you and the Falcon.

Said younger woman watches you with sad eyes. Losing sucks for her too but she can tell that it’s affected you a bit more. With a sigh, she moves to sit beside you, gentle fingers wrapping around your clenched ones. 

While your body relaxes at her touch, your posture remains stiff, eyes unmoving. All she can do is scoot closer, laying her head on your shoulder. 

With there being nothing to say the flight back to the compound is quiet. Wanda offers you her comfort the best she can and you accept it. 

The little bit that you do start to feel better goes away the instant the jet lands. You all head straight to debriefing and having to convey your failure to Steve makes you all the more upset. 

Among the many things you hate, failure is top of the list. Especially in instances such as these. 

You’d extracted enhanced individuals a number of times before, you know how to do it and how to do it damn good. To suddenly not do it well, makes you question yourself. 

It’s as you’re walking to your room that you encounter yet another frustration.

Well she isn’t exactly a frustration, or she wasn’t. With what has recently happened between yourself and the redhead there’s a tension in the air that could very well suffocate you. 

Even though she’s been giving you the space you asked for, you don’t miss those unreadable looks she gives you whenever you’re in the same room. And you know for a fact that she’s been talking to Wanda about you. The younger woman wouldn’t tell you what about specifically as she never wants to break Natasha’s trust in her, but she did tell you that Natasha asks about you. Having done the same in the past, you aren’t going to make a big deal of it and in a way, a small way, it’s nice to know she still cares.

Stopping in front of you, the redhead opens her mouth to speak, then shuts it to think. It takes a second for her to settle on,“ hey,” a hesitant pause,“ how was the mission?”

The heavy sigh you give makes her frown,“ not well. We lost the target.” Just repeating it makes you want to punch something. 

“Oh,” she grimaces. An awkward silence settles and instead of staying in it, you nod and retreat down the hallway to your room. 

Despite what use to work, the shower you take does absolutely nothing for your sour mood. In fact, other than soothing your aching muscles, the time you spend in there thinking about what happened pisses you off even more. 

You weren’t good enough to neutralize the target and now there’s no telling where they are and who they’re hurting. All these years spent trying to protect people and now you’re the very reason there’s a threat to innocent lives. 

Being so lost in thought, you hadn’t realized you were squeezing the life out of your phone. You slip it into your pocket before you break it and exit the room promptly. 

With a single destination in mind, you head down the hall, and straight back to the meeting room. As expected, Steve is still inside, eyes flickering over the mission reports you all filled out and the pre-mission information. You don’t expect Natasha to be just at his right as well but you don’t linger on that.

“Captain,” your hands press against the glass surface of the table,“ when are we going to look for this guy?”

His eyebrows pinch together as he looks up at you,“ Y/n we can’t do anything yet.” A sympathetic look masks his face which doesn’t help,“ I know this loss was big but-”

“This loss could lead to a lot of people getting hurt unnecessarily. That enhanced individual almost laid myself and Sam out and managed to escape even after Wanda got to him so just imagine what they could do to innocent unsuspecting civilians. We can’t sleep on this, if we don’t move soon somet-”

Natasha butts in, eyes as soft as ever,“ Y/n we aren’t sleeping on this. We’re going to catch this guy but if we rush in we can do more bad than good.”

Steve nods along,“ just try to relax. There’s already a team on standby when we’re ready to move.”

Your eyes narrow,“ I take it I’m not on that team.” Both of their silence is answer enough. So with a nod, you turn and leave. 

Why you weren’t on the team you don’t know. If you aren’t then you’re assuming neither are Wanda and Sam. This whole thing is about as personal to you as it is to everyone else. But you trust Steve’s leadership so whatever reason he has must be good.

Doesn’t mean you aren’t still frustrated.

In terms of instant relief, the message from Lena that comes through is number one. Just seeing her name alone decreases your heart rate. 

To then see that the message is a picture of her and your new found friends with the message ‘missing you’ beneath makes your heart soar. 

Suddenly you’re wondering how insane it’d be of you to fly out to NC. It wouldn’t be the first time so not too crazy. And you know that seeing Lena would make just about everything better. 

That’s how you find yourself, hours later after having prepped weapons for the team's mission, spoken with Cap, and talked to Wanda(who obviously understands your decision and supports it unwaveringly), stepping off a plane into National City airport.

You text Lena the second you’re in a car to find out where she is. Then telling the driver and sitting back, a little anxiously, for the ride to Al’s. 

When you get there, you thank them with a tip, and head into the bar with your duffle bag in hand. E/c eyes scan the building for the familiar group and before you can even spot them, your name is called very excitedly, and you’re enveloped in a strong hug seconds later. A blonde ponytail flips past your view as you return Kara’s hug. 

“It’s so great to see you.” She pulls away to reveal her bright smile,“ hi!”

Her enthusiasm brings a smile to your lips as well,“ hi.” That smile instantly grows as the brunette you’ve been longing to see walks over. Subconsciously you bite your lip, taking in the sight of her in her usual business attire, mainly the way those heels make her legs look even better. 

Lena stops in front of you, a happily surprised look in her eyes. As you two focus on each other, Kara takes slow quiet steps back. 

“Hope it’s okay that I just showed up, I didn’t have the best day and really needed to see you.” You give your honest explanation in hopes that you don’t seem crazy for flying across the country in the middle of the day.

The CEO’s expression softens even more, her hand reaching for yours,“ you okay?” Her eyebrows pinch together, thumb stroking the back of your hand, and she steps closer a little.

“Not really, it was pretty bad,” you sigh at the thought alone,“ seeing you makes it better though.” With your words you lean in and kiss her, a hand resting on her hip. 

Lena melts into it, hand gripping yours a little tighter as she presses further into the kiss. Weeks without your lips definitely did her in. She’s positive she won’t be able to let you go this time around. 

Finally pulling apart, only to quickly kiss once more, Lena tugs your hand towards the booths of your friends.

“Hey everyone.” You smile and wave. 

After a round of hugs and handshakes and being introduced to Kelly, James’ sister, you sit down beside Lena. The woman leans into you and you’re happy to wrap an arm around her shoulders. 

While the drinks and company are good, you still can’t bring yourself out of the rut your failed mission has put you in. Through your short laughs and on and off smiles, Lena picks up on it.

“Hey um,” she leans forward to look at everyone, grabbing the majority of their attention,“ I’m getting a little tired so we’re gonna go but we’ll see you all tomorrow night?” 

Kara’s the first to “awww” but nods understandingly. Yet another round of hugs is given before you and Lena are leaving out. She maintains her hold on your hand, occasionally looking up at you with a slightly worried expression. In all the time she’s known you she’s never seen you so torn up over something. Her plan is to find out what’s on your mind and fix it asap. 

So the second you’re in her apartment she’s fixing your usual drink and bringing you over to the couch. 

“Thanks,” you smile softly and sip the drink. The familiar burn of the scotch warms your insides and you give an almost inaudible sigh. 

“You want to tell me why your day was so bad?” Lena asks, taking a sip of her wine, and easing back into the couch. 

In one quick move, you turn and lay yourself across the couch, resting your head on Lena’s lap. An action that Lena welcomes with a soft smile, her heart swelling instantly. 

The woman sets her glass of wine to the side and hesitantly cards her fingers through your hair. Her soft touch is incredibly comforting. You find yourself nearly melting at the feeling, then remembering what she asked. 

There’s only so much you can tell her about the mission, especially seeing as it’s still pretty open ended. What you can tell you do and it’s enough for her to understand why you’re so upset. 

Groaning, you tilt your head back, further into her touch.“ - truthfully I just needed this. If I could have exactly this after every mission I’d be the happiest person alive. Scotch and you.” To emphasize your point, you take another quick sip of the drink and scoot further into Lena.

“Well,” she chuckles softly,“ if you lived here then you could have it.”

You freeze. Nothing moves but your eyes, e/c orbs landing on green as you search for seriousness. Finding it makes an eyebrow raise. Swallowing, you shift up a bit, elbows pressed into the cushions as the backs of your arms brush Lena’s thighs. 

It’s clear questioning in your eyes that has Lena’s head tilting to the side. A quick teasing smile hits her lips,“ what you don’t trust that I’m a good roommate?”

“What no I- would you seriously want to live together? You don’t think that’d be moving too fast?” You ask. Moving too fast could very well cause this whole thing to end in shit and you didn’t want to risk that.

The brunette shrugs,“ I don’t think so. I already know I love you Y/n and just these past few weeks without you has me more than willing to be with you everyday. If you don’t want to that’s okay but I’d be more than happy.”

Her words settle in your mind. While thinking about them, you end up lying back down. Lena’s eyes remain on you. She occasionally sips her wine and brushes her fingers across your hairline. 

Living with Lena would be incredible. Having spent a few nights with her here you can’t say you don’t love the idea of waking up to her every morning and possibly going to sleep with her every night. But moving would be more than just living with Lena. 

You’d definitely be leaving Wanda. Not having your best friend around daily, now that would suck. Moving would include becoming a remotely working Avenger or just leaving the team in general. What you lose in the team you’d gain in your friends here in NC. 

But then there’s finding a job that would fill that void in you. Helping people is you’re calling and you aren’t sure if being a cop or something would hold the same weight. And it’s not like you could walk up to Supergirl and the DEO and request a job. 

“What’s going on in that genius brain of yours?” Lena’s voice is soft, as if she doesn’t want to startle you.

Sighing, you tell her how you’d love to live with her but then share the drawbacks of moving from New York to National City. 

Her quirked eyebrow makes you curious.“ I could help with the job part.” She says with a proud little smirk.

“Yeah?”

“I work at the DEO.”

“Huh?” You frown, sitting up completely and turning to face her,“ I thought you worked at L-Corp.”

She nods,“ I do but I also work at the DEO. It was a brilliant business decision and a better way to help people. When the government supports your business there are more liberties.”

Point noted. She is right though. 

“Are you sure you want to live with me? My team would argue that I can be annoying. If you don’t believe me ask Wanda.” You say.

Lena’s fingers reach up and brush your cheek before she leans in and kisses you gently,“ I’m sure I can handle it.” She tells you, earning a soft chuckle in response. Her eyes scan your face and brighten with hope at the look she finds.“ You gonna come live with me Y/nn.”

You can feel the heat rush to your face at the nickname she uses but it’s cute, especially coming from her.

“I’d have to tell the team, square some things away, have a long talk with Wan, and make sure I get that DEO job,” you ramble off, noticing that Lena’s expression remains the same,“ yes I’m gonna move in with you.”

The brightest smile you’ve ever seen lights up her face and she wastes no time in pulling you into a hug. Her lips press a quick kiss to your neck in excitement,“ I can’t wait. And you don’t have to worry about the DEO job. I know you’re more than qualified.” 

When she pulls away, she tells you,“ leaving your home won’t be easy but I promise I’ll do whatever I can to make it easier for you.”

“I love you so much Lena Luthor.” You tell her.

“I love you too.” She kisses you for good measure.

As the two of you decide to go make something to eat, and that conversation replays in your head, you start to think of how you’ll tell the team and how they’ll react. Either way, you know you really want to live with Lena. 

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[johannesviii]

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2020

You know, when I finished my latest list and realised every decade had the same pattern and that we were slowly going towards a series of great years for pop, I didn’t realise how good that year would be.

What’s at the top? Am I boringly predictable because I already said I loved that song all the way back in January 2020? Let’s find out.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will probably be stuff in French somewhere on this post. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

So. Uh. How was your 2020?

Mine was actually surprisingly good, considering. I’m lucky enough to have a job that I can partially do from home, and I was extremely paranoid from the get-go and nobody got sick under this roof so far. Turns out I’m even better at my job from home and I got permission to work from home one day per week even after the health crisis is over! My first name was also finally officially approved and I can’t tell you how happy I feel about that. I almost feel bad to have had such a good year considering the circumstances. I feel like an asshole just because I’m happy, haha.

The only frustrating part was that I was supposed to see Hatari in concert in Paris in early April which, as you can guess, was cancelled. I’m not too mad about it though, since their tour was called “Europe will crumble” and the message saying the tour was cancelled started with “since Europe is actually crumbling due to Covid-19″ and that’s hysterical.

Good or interesting albums that came out in 2020 now, let’s see.

Nightwish released Human/Nature, which was a huge letdown compared to their previous album, but I will relisten to it at some point to make sure I wasn’t just in a bad mood that day.

The Birthday Massacre released Diamonds, which might be their weakest album since their debut, but contained some real gems (I listened to The Last Goodbye on a loop, it floored me. Flashback and Enter are also very good).

The 1975 released Notes On A Conditional Form, and let’s be real, it’s a f█cking mess. You could cut half the tracks and end up with an excellent album, but as it is it’s like, yes, a collection of notes ; however there’s some truely excellent shit on it (see unelligible songs).

Thanks to a friend on a discord server I was exposed to Dorian Electra’s music and I haven’t been quite the same ever since. I’m so happy to be alive to see other enbies making such great music with an insanely good aesthetic surrounding it and asking so many interesting questions about gender. Also the arc the ‘gentleman’ character goes through over the course of the entire tracklist of the 2020 My Agenda album is absolutely hilarious, don’t @ me.

I also discovered 100 Gecs this year. Why are most of you guys saying it’s unlistenable garbage. It’s just as abrasive and over the top as industrial music is, but with none of the edginess or drama. I love it. What the hell. But yeah Tree of Clues was released this year. Good.

Speaking of industrial, in March 2020 Nine Inch Nails were like “hey remember when we released Ghosts I-IV a decade ago entirely for free and how amazing that was? Well we’re all in lockdown and bored as hell so here’s Ghosts V-VI and it’s also free. Enjoy” and I f█cking died instantly. And it’s even better than I-IV. What the hell was that year

Jonsi released Shiver. It’s strange and highly experimental. I’m pretty sure it’s a good thing I was into hyperpop this year, otherwise going from his previous material straight to this album would have been brutal.

Yadda yadda yadda After Hours by the Weeknd good yadda yadda.

I’ve joked about that already but if you had told me in 2019 that 2020 would have fires, a pandemic, riots, monoliths appearing and disappearing, and also a super good Machine Gun Kelly album, guess which part I would have found the most ridiculous. But yeah uh. Tickets to my Downfall good

So uh this year I tried to listen to some hyperpop and liked it a lot, and I also dipped my toes timidly into screamo and listened to Svalbard, who released When I Die this year, and the entire album was a very beautiful, very intricately decorated punch to the face. It sounds like God Is An Astronaut except with a shit ton of yelling. I love it. Open Wound is my favorite track on it.

But no, despite all of this, my album of the year was from a band I had never even heard about before that year, called Spanish Love Songs. The album is titled Brave Faces Everyone and it’s line after line after line of extremely relatable generational angst but yelled with complete sincerity and it’s so propulsive and energetic you can’t help but feel both exhausted and ready to fight the entire universe. I don’t know how it works, but it’s incredible. The entire album is wonderfully brutal, so it’s kind of difficult to pick my favorite songs on it, but Beachfront Property and the title track stand out.

Unelligible songs, now, and there’s, uh, quite a few of them too so I’m also gonna use bullet points. Good lord this post is gonna be long.

First, let me say I have literally no idea why Midnight Sky by Miley Cyrus wasn’t a bigger hit. It’s not on the year-end US top 100 and it feels extremely wrong. Would have made it to #4 on this list otherwise.

I still entertain the vague hope that stuff from Machine Gun Kelly will chart higher in 2021 but I doubt it will happen so I might as well tackle it now and say that Bloody Valentine and especially Forget Me Too are both excellent and that it’s a shame radios aren’t playing them more often.

Heaven by the late Avicii featuring Coldplay should have charted in 2019 and still didn’t chart in 2020 and that’s a real shame.

If the world was a bit less unfair, Lovesick Girls by Blackpink would have been a hit rather than the awful Ice Cream.

One day I will stop complaining about my bafflement concerning the lack of mainstream pop charts success of The 1975. Today is not that day. I just love how they keep making songs about extremely awkward relationships full of weird details, and I haven’t grown tired of that yet. So yeah If You’re Too Shy is about a guy who’s crush is asking him to get naked on Skype in his hotel room and he’s, uh, not too sure about that idea.

And Me & You Together is about a guy who never finds the right moment to tell his best friend he’s in love with her, and he manages to do so at the end and it’s cute as hell. My fave part is “I'm sorry that I'm kinda queer / It's not as weird as it appears / It's 'cause my body doesn't stop me (Stop me) / Oh, it's okay, lots of people think I'm gay / But we're friends, so it's cool, why would it not be?”. Relatable as f█ck.

And now for an international hit that should have been bigger in the US and/or in my country but wasn’t: Head & Heart by Joel Corry and MNEK.

I’ve heard Nos Célébrations by Indochine extremely often on French radio for months now so I was very surprised to see that it didn’t crack the local year-end list. What happened.

I can finally hear the appeal of Bring Me The Horizon. It took me ages. And also Death Stranding. The song Ludens isn’t in the game per say, but it’s among the ones you can pick to broadcast briefly when people drive by your constructions, and long story short it's been living rent-free in my head for months now.

Phew.

It’s time for a round of Honorable Mentions for elligible songs, containing a couple of guilty pleasures, which is saying something considering the kind of shit I put on some of my previous lists.

Ne Reviens Pas (Gradur et Heuss l’Enfoiré) - Heuss is a French artist that kept baffling me while making my lists for the previous years, and I was like “??? ok, that’s it then, I guess I’m getting too old to get what teenagers find funny”. This one worked for me, though. And the music video doesn’t hurt. Really dumb and really fun.

Adore You (Harry Styles) - Perfectly good little pop song, very pleasant to listen to, never outstayed its welcome for me.

Mood (24kGoldn) - This doesn’t sound like a very good relationship, my dude, but that’s still a super pleasant song.

WAP (Cardi B & Megan Thee Stallion) - This song is absolutely hilarious and I will hear no argument from any of you.

Control (Zoe Wees) - Was clearly a hit here. Should have been even bigger though. What a powerful but comfy voice. If I had better taste it would be on the list.

Hot Girl Bummer (Blackbear) - I. Uh. Listen. I keep saying I have bad taste and nobody believes me. Do you believe me now. But yeah. “F█ck you, and you, and you~, I hate your friends and they hate me too” is gonna pop in my head every single time someone is being a jerk anywhere near me now. It’s been happening all year already. Someone trashed my documents at work? Someone isn’t wearing a mask in public? That guy has filled his car with rolls of toilet paper? Brain goes “F█ck you, and you, and you~”. Every. Single. Time.

Come & Go (Juice WRLD & Marshmello ) - Damn, that’s a pretty good little song. I’ve seen plenty of people saying it’s ruined by the drop, but may I remind you I’m the person who loves Blue by Eiffel 65 with all my heart. If the song was ramping up consistently until the end instead of ending like that, it would have made the list, definitely.

And now, the actual list. This one actually feels pretty solid, I genuinely like everything on it, there’s no filler here for once.

10 - The Box (Roddy Rich)

US: #3 / FR: #23

Now this is a weird case, because for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why this song was so popular and I was completely neutral about it. Then, one morning in September, my mental jukebox (which always, always puts a song on a loop in my head when I wake up) decided to play it. And I was like oh wow?? I never noticed the atmosphere in that song before? It’s so great. And that hook too. Let’s listen to it.

So yeah, I don’t know what happened. It just clicked one day and everything fell into place, I guess.

9 - Alane (Wes & Robin Shulz)

US: Not on the list / FR: #93

Come on. You can’t do a remake of one of my previous #1 songs and let it chart in 2020. That’s cheating. Even with this subpar drop, I have to put it on the list, now.

I’ve already said my piece about the original, so I’m just going to send you back to my 1997 list.

8 - Kings and Queens (Ava Max)

US: Not on the list / FR: #76

[BBC documentary voice] After Lady Gaga decided to make piano balads and left her musical niche vacant, Ava Max quickly took her place as the top predator pop diva. Even after Lady Gaga was re-introduced to her natural habitat in 2020, she still hasn’t fully recovered in Europe, where Ava Max still reigns supreme on the charts -

(tldr I think it’s hilarious that this isn’t on the US Billboard while Lady Gaga isn’t on the French year-end top 100)

7 - Roses (Saint Jhn & Imanbek)

US: #19 / FR: #3

What an earworm. It doesn’t even bother trying to have an intro or an outro, so it loops almost perfectly. It’s like entering a party that started long before you arrived, and it will go on long after you leave it to go back home. Kind of hypnotic in a way.

And yes, my mental jukebox was very fond of using it to wake me up this year, so this is another song that’s here almost solely because of that.

6 - Physical (Dua Lipa)

US: Not on the list / FR: #69 (hehehe)

“Hey I’m not that old” says the guy who’s definitely a sucker for this kind of retro throwback that was so popular this year. Oh well.

I don’t have anything interesting to say about this one, though. Apart from the fact that everyone seems to have a different fave song on that album. Guess that’s quality for you.

5 - Rain on Me (Lady Gaga & Ariana Grande)

US: #48 / FR: Not on the list

That is far from being Lady Gaga’s best song, but it was a joy to listen to everytime it was on the radio anyway. Also Ariana Grande has surprisingly good chemistry with Gaga! This year was full of strange duets mostly made for commercial reasons, and this one isn’t an exception, but unlike a lot of them, it really, really works.

4 - Dynamite (BTS)

US: #38 / FR: Not on the list

I’m still not 100% sold on k-pop even if a ton of it sounds super good, but come on. Even if some bits of this song (especially the beginning of the second chorus) sound a bit like they were made on autopilot, it still sounds just as happy and fun several months after I first heard it and I never got tired of it. That’s quality. You hear it and you can’t help but tap your feet and smile.

Actually, I’m sure there’s people somewhere that don’t smile when they hear this song. And they must be avoided at all costs.

3 - Godzilla (Eminem ft Juice WRLD)

US: #62 / FR: Not on the list

What are you doing so high on this list, old man. Why are you still here in the year 2020. I thought we left you in the previous decade. Who gave you the right.

I’m gonna tell you who did, and it’s actually Juice WRLD. Because that chorus is incredible, and like a lot of people I’m pissed off because the guy died super young and this shit shouldn’t happen to anybody. No, his early material wasn’t great, but I’m sorry I’m gonna say it again: have you heard this damn chorus? It’s suspenseful and dark, it’s got this lowkey menacing quality, it’s an earworm and a half, and it’s more convincing in like six lines than Eminem’s own flexing is in the entire song.

The beat is extremely good as well, and the flow, obviously, impressive. The weakest link is Eminem’s writing, which is as usual full of puns and weird wordplay, except here a lot of it isn’t great, and that last ultra fast part at the end is technically impressive but it also drives the song up a cliff and stops it dead in its tracks once it’s over. But frankly the lines fly by so fast it’s difficult to be too annoyed by them.

Can I sincerely put this extremely flawed song so high on my list? A better question would be “did I spend hours trying to learn how to sing this shit without choking on my own spit?”. The answer is yes. To both.

2 - Heartless (The Weeknd)

US: #28 / FR: Not on the list

I’ve said it on my 2015 and 2016 lists already, but just for the record I’ll say it again: it took me ages to like The Weeknd, mostly because I found most of his songs fairly boring, or disliked the lyrics, or both. Also I never really liked the general vibe of his “sexy” songs like The Hills, they felt dark but in an unpleasant creepy way. Felt like miserable hedonism, if that makes sense.

So, because I’m a person with extremely consistent and logical tastes, here’s the exact same shit he was making before, except that this time I absolutely adore it.

What is he doing differently that makes the whole After Hours album click for me whereas almost all of his previous material failed to do so? Is it the energy? Is it the reverb? Is it the fact that the narrator sounds properly unhinged and, frankly, scared to be spiralling out of control? Why are the colors so beautiful yet full of anxiety? Why is that bridge so fantastic? How can you make your voice look like a glowstick in the dark?

I give up. I have no clue. At least I’m done talking about-

Oh.

1 - Blinding Lights (The Weeknd)

US: #1 / FR: #1 (listen sometimes something’s just that good, ok)

Surprise. Or not.

Wow, look at that, Johannes has put this year’s number one pop song at number one on their personal playlist. The audacity. The edge. What a hot take.

I discovered that song when it first came out at the end of 2019 and I adored it instantly. And I was so scared it wouldn’t be a hit. Which means I’m a f█cking dumbass considering it ended up breaking all sorts of records in 2020. But what can I say, overplay can be a blessing when you love a song that much.

Like every single song I put at number one on one of my lists, I will draw this one at some point and you will understand how incredibly satisfying it is to listen to a song called Blinding Lights, talking about city lights looking blurry when you’re driving at night, while looking itself like a bunch of blurry city lights passing by super fast. Perfect in every way.

Also it sounds exactly like A-ha, and that never hurts.

See you next year! Pretty sure it will be even better music-wise.

#Johannes’ bad not good pretty terrible music lists #music #long post #eye contact tw

[ilovelukey]

Preparations

A/N: Here is a lil thing about getting ready for your wedding! I’m planning on doing a whole series with this, next chapter on the wedding and wedding night, and then maybe two little chapters on the honeymoon (next ones will be smuttyyyyyy) 

Warnings: Lingerie? Almost sex? Not really anything

Word count: 2.3k

These are the sets I was picturing:

(in white)

(All are from Agent Provocateur)         

        Ever since Luke had proposed, you felt like you were absolutely walking on cloud nine. Planning a wedding with him was an absolute dream. Everytime you approached him with a question- what flavor cake, your wedding colors, the venue- he gave you actual answers instead of just letting you decide, which was insanely helpful. Not to mention you had the same taste in most of these things. The wedding was scheduled in just a few days. Luke was flying his family from Sydney since most of his friends and your friends were in LA. With everything finally prepared, you and your bridesmaids were going out to pamper yourselves. The girls had offered to take you out for a spa day. Your bachelorette party had been a few nights ago and the hangover had been horrible and it honestly felt like you hadn’t had a full night of sleep since then with all the stress and last minute planning so this was exactly you needed. 

       You had just left the Ritz- Carlton spa, your nails were freshly done, you’d gotten a face mask, massage, and a body scrub and you had never felt more refreshed. 

“Where are we going now?” You asked as you realized you weren’t heading back towards any of your houses. 

“This next surprise is actually from Luke.” Crystal winked at you and kept driving. 

        Finally you pulled up and parked in front of a big black building with pink writing “Agent Provocateur”. Crystal, KayKay, and your four best friends from high school got out of the car, pulling you along behind them.

“What’s going on?” you laugh as they drag you into the store. Black leather lines the walls, crystal whips, gorgeous lingerie, all stacked up on every side. A cute little sales associate in a pink uniform walks up to the seven of you and asked in a chipper voice “Hi! How can I help you?” 

“Hi, we have an appointment under Hemmings.” KayKay answered for you.

“Great!” The brunette sales associate answered “you guys are booked for the Bridal Service?” 

“Yes.” 

“Alright, follow me, please.” 

       You followed the girl back into the store to a private room with pink walls and long curtains flowing to the ground for the changing rooms. Vases filled with flowers decorated the table tops. The sales associate brought a tray with seven flutes of pink champagne, each of you grabbed one and thanked her.

“My name is Kelly, I’ll be helping you ladies out today. Now, which of you is the bride-to-be?” 

The girls pushed you forward,

“Me!” you laughed “I’m y/n.” you stuck your hand out and she shook it. 

“Well, congratulations. Have you been to our store before?” You shake your head no. “No worries!” Kelly smiled, “So we normally recommend that our clients forget any notion they had of what they want because we have all sorts of styles and fits and we encourage you to try them all on. I’ll take your measurements and then I’ll grab a few things for you to try out.” You let her wrap the measuring tape around you, marking down each number in her head. 

“Great, I’ll be right back.” 

        You and the girls sit down on the plush pink couch and matching chairs, sipping your champagne.

“So…” Crystal smirked “Luke has some instructions for you.”

“Oh god,” you laughed and took another sip of champagne.

“He wants you to get something for the night of the wedding, and at least two things for the honeymoon.” The girls all laughed.

“Jesus, Crys, isn’t this store, like, really expensive? I can’t afford this.” Crystal put her hand on your knee, shaking her head. 

“Girl… you should know Luke well enough to know that he has already paid for it.” You groaned and put your face in your hand.

“That little shit.” You mumbled, jokingly, but the girls could see the way your cheeks turned bright red at the information. They knew that he loved you more than anything and you felt the same way about him. The boys always made fun of Luke, telling him he was pussy whipped, but whenever they did, he just smiled at you and winked, knowing you were just as whipped for him. 

        Kelly walked back in, her arms carrying at least a dozen hangers with all different shades of white, cream, and beige. Some bras covered in lace, others bedazzled, satin, cotton, all overlapping each other. You and all the girls gasped at the beautiful fabrics in front of you. Kelly started hanging them up on the rack by you.

“So we have a few different styles for the bridal lingerie here. Go ahead and try those on. I understand that our groom-to-be also wants some options for the honeymoon so I’ll grab those and be right back.” She winked and walked out. 

“Damn, girl. These are gorgeous.” Your maid of honor, Emma said. 

“Try this one!” KayKay gasped, holding up a pink and black set, with a matching garter belt. 

“Wow. That’s stunning.” You touched the soft satin material. You took the hanger and closed the curtain behind you, stripping off your own clothes and underwear and putting the new set on. The fabric was soft against your skin as you pulled the curtain back, showing it off to your friends, who all immediately hooted and whistled. You did a little turn for them and posed, jokingly, laughing. You repeated the process with the next set, and Kelly walks back in with more beautiful sets hanging over her arms, this time in bright colors. She placed them on the hangers and looked at the white set you were currently in. 

“That’s beautiful on you.” She said. You looked in the mirror at the white lace bra, with little ties crossing the front. A matching waist trainer made your waist look even smaller, and matching white lace panties pulled the look together. You had to admit, you did look really good. You had been hoping for a white set, in the spirit of being somewhat traditional. 

“Wow…” the girls all sighed. 

“Y/n, you look fucking hot.” Emma laughed. You had to admit that you really did look hot. 

“I really like this one.” You said, still admiring yourself in the mirror. You weren’t normally one to stare at yourself like this, but you felt really good in this. You’d been working hard to lose a little bit of weight and get in shape for the wedding and you were proud of how well you’d done. 

“I… think this is the one.” The girls all cheered at your revelation and you smiled at Kelly.

“Perfect! You look great. I brought you some stuff to try on for the honeymoon too. Oh! And we have this gorgeous robe that goes with the set you just picked out.”  Kelly left the room to grab the robe she mentioned, and you took one last look at yourself before turning to go back into the dressing area, closing the curtain, and trying on some sets for the honeymoon. 

        You tried on a whole bunch of other looks. Finally, you found two you adored. One red set with a bralette with straps across the front, all in lace. It had a matching garter belt with little frills on the end and you knew it would look perfect with a pair of black heels you had at home. The other set you decided on was a bright pink corset made out of a satin material with lace on the top of the cups of the bra. 

        You checked out with the three sets and a robe and you and the girls headed out. They dropped you off at home and it was already dark outside. When you walked into you and Luke’s house, you were greeted by Petunia, happily trotting over and licking at you. You put your shopping bags down and got on your knees to give her a hug and a few kisses. You heard some louder footsteps heading towards you and looked up to see your handsome man, his hair pulled back and he was wearing sweatpants and a t shirt. You immediately got up (much to Petunia’s disappointment) and ran over to Luke, jumping in his arms.

“Luke, you shouldn’t have.” He chuckled and squeezed you tight, lifting you off the ground. You wrapped your legs around his hips and gave him a big kiss. 

“If we’re being honest, it’s more of a gift for me, isn’t it, love?” He placed you down. “Now show me what you got.” He patted your butt as you walked over and picked up the bag, filled with three pink and black boxes, each wrapped up with a bow.

“Hmm you’ll just have to wait until our wedding.” You grinned, slyly. 

“Not fair.”

“It’s very fair!” You argued back, hitting his chest lightly. You walked back and threw your arms around him once again, and he leaned down and kissed your nose.

“Gonna be my wife, baby. I can’t fucking wait.” 

“Mmm. Mrs. y/n Hemmings. It sounds good, doesn’t it?”

“It sounds pretty damn perfect.” He grabbed you by your waist and threw you over his shoulder in a fireman carry, while you laughed and kicked your legs and hit his back in protest.

“Luke!” but you could barely get his name out, you were laughing so hard. He carried you up to your room, placed the lingerie boxes in the special “wedding closet” you two had, which was nearly overflowing with all of your stuff for the special night. He threw you on the bed and your face was hurting, you were smiling and laughing so hard. He came back and threw his body over yours, making you laugh more at how heavy he was.

“Lu…” you laughed, “You’re crushing me!” 

“You calling me fat?” He poked at you.

“No, but you’re a fucking giant.” You squealed at him, still only partially able to breathe through the laughter and his weight smushing your much smaller body. He giggled and held his body up on his elbows. 

“You’re just tiny.” He said and kissed your neck.

“I’m normal sized! You’re like… Hagrid.” 

“Okay no sex tonight.” He said as you kept laughing, trying to pull him back to you as he moved his body away from you, jokingly turning his back to you. 

“Noooo, Lu!” You whined and laughed, sitting up and grabbing the back of his shirt. You pulled the fabric towards you and finally he turned around and jumped back on the bed, right next to you. 

“Only if you take it back.” He smirked and crossed his arms. 

“Fine!” You sighed, “I take it back!” You pouted at him, trying to hold back a smile. Luke laughed and went back to kissing you, each kiss making you laugh, because it tickled a little bit with his scruff. 

“...Paul Bunyan.” You whispered.

“What did you just call me?” He furrowed his brows at you.

“Paul Bunyan! He’s a famous giant.” 

“Okay, that’s it.” And his hands were on your stomach, tickling you. Luke knew all of your most ticklish spots, and hit them all perfectly. He did this until you couldn’t breathe and were begging him to stop.

“Luke! I give up! You win!” You shouted. 

“I don’t believe you.” He looked at you suspiciously, barely taking his hands away, just in case. You just smirked at him, and he narrowed his eyes at you.

“Clifford.” You whispered. He immediately brought his fingers back to your sides, picking right back up where he left off. 

“Clifford? If anything, Ash is Clifford right now. Or is Michael Clifford?” 

“You can all be Clifford!” You yelled, in between laughs. He smiled down at you, his hands finally easing up once he could tell that you couldn’t physically take anymore without running out of oxygen or peeing yourself. He brought his hand up to your cheek, stroking it. His lips lowered down to yours, pressing a sweet kiss on yours. You hummed against him as his hand went down to your neck. 

“Such a naughty girl, huh?” He smirked at you, cocking his eyebrow. You just nodded in response. 

“Gonna have to teach you to be good when you’re my wife.” 

“You could teach me now.” You dared him in a light, raspy whisper.

“I dunno, baby girl. Think you should ponder on your actions.” He chuckled as your mouth dropped open in fake shock. 

“I really didn’t do anything wrong, Hemmings.” You pouted. He just smiled at you lazily, his eyes half lidded. He studied your face, just for the sake of doing so, because he loved to look at you. 

“Y’know, soon I’ll be calling you Hemmings too.” He mumbled, pressing a kiss to your nose before rolling over back next to you, pulling you into his arms.

“That’s very true.” You turned to him, propping yourself up on an elbow. He was still looking at you dreamily. 

“Don’t you fall asleep on me.” You warned him, but it was no use. He just chuckled at you.

“Had a long day. Had to meet the boys so early to work on… stuff.” 

“Yeah,” you recalled “I forgot to ask, where were you this morning? When I woke up you weren’t here. And I got up at like… eight.” 

“Hm. That’s for me to know and you to find out.” He stated matter of factly. You laughed at him.

“Well, I need to shower, love. If you’re asleep when I’m back… then good night. I love you.” You kissed his forehead and got up.

“Love you. My future wife.” You heard him mumble and you smiled to yourself as you closed the bathroom door and got in the shower. You smiled to yourself as you were drying off, and getting ready for bed. You were probably even smiling to yourself as you were sleeping in bed, curled up next to your own little giant. Your future husband.

#lingerie #luke hemmings #luke hemmings 5sos #5sos #fanfiction #fanfic #lrh #5 seconds of summer #luke 5sos #luke 5 seconds of summer #fluff #wedding #wedding planning #honeymoon #5sauce #luke 5sauce #luke hemmings 5sauce #luke hemmings 5 seconds of summer #ilovelukey #preparations #chapter 1 #writing #fic #fiction #fluffy #soft #love #engaged #y/n x luke hemmings #luke hemmings x y/n

[purplesurveys]

495

Do you like oatmeal raisin cookies? If I’m starving to death, I can eat them provided that I manually remove the raisins. But if there were other options I could leave it easily. Which smells better - Pez or Play-Doh? I’ve never come into contact with Pez, so Play-Doh is my pick by default. I don’t feel bad about it though cause their clay smells gooooooddddd. Does your hair reach your boobs? Surprisingly, no. It used to grow back really quick in the past, but right now it’s only up till my collarbone and I haven’t had a trim since almost a full year ago. When are you having spring break? Never? And how will you be spending that time? I won’t be?

Have you ever had a crush on celebrity no one knew about? HAH, yes. Wrestlers are technically celebrities and boy is my one guy crush all up in that alley. Do you have a Roku? No, we don’t...I don’t think that’s a thing here. What's something that fills you with anxiety? Pending meetings. Even though I’ve never had one bad meeting in my life, I always think that the next one is gonna go terribly. I never have gotten used to it. Do you like Anthony Green or Jack White? I have no idea who both of them are. I guess the Gen Z-ness is strong here hah. Do you think you're attractive? I know I look okay but like I’m not gonna voluntarily parade myself as ‘attractive.’ Do you drink coffee on a daily basis? No, not daily. Probably 1-3 times a week. I love coffee but I know how bad the effects can be sometimes, so I try not to rely on it for every situation. Do you have strict parents or are they more chill? They were strict when I was a kid, which I understand now because I was a PRETTY FUCKING DUMB KID. I could never clean my school backpack, I took 5 hours to finish meals, I lost every phone ever handed to me, I failed math exams, I lost activity sheets from school and missed assignments here and there, and I stopped playing with every toy I was bought mere days after it was bought for me. I was an absolute nightmare...then I kinda gave myself a huge kick in the ass when I started growing up for real and matured from there. My parents have seen the development through my teens so they've grown to be super chill these days. At what age did you move out of your parents? (or what age will you?) I don’t have a definite plan when it comes to age, but hopefully in the next couple of years.

What age do you think is too old to still live with your parents? Probably like 30. Filipino family culture works a little differently, and parents don’t mind if their kids live with them a little longer. Do you think Clinton Kelly looks like a less scruffy Bradley Cooper? Ok I had to look up this dude so I know what you’re talking about...and hey you know what you’re kinda right! Just in some angles though. Do you always download the free songs on iTunes? I never did this. Have you ever loved a boy who was dating some other girl? Welp, I’ve never loved a boy, period. Is your hair all the same color? Yes. It’s all black, never been touched other than the yearly haircut. Have you ever tie dyed anything? We had to tie-dye a shirt for home econ in Grade 6. Do you know anyone who says 'wow' a lot? That would be me. I can always find a way to use it regardless of how I’m feeling lmfao. Have you ever watched Bob's Burgers? Nope. How many cardigans do you own? One. It used to be Gabie’s but she gave it to me because she says it’s too small for her.

Denim, leather or varsity jacket? Denim! Goes with everything, except denim jeans. Has a teacher ever caught and read a note you were passing in class? No, not like that exactly. But I was once reprimanded because I was the one caught with a note that was being passed around in class that whole time. Like out of everyone in that class, that teacher - who obviously hated me - chose to pick me as her target for that day. I hated the kid who started that note for the rest of the year.   Do you know anyone who is afraid of horses? I don’t think so. Do you clean things that are already clean when you're bored? Nope. I like cleaning, but it is NOT one of the things I do when I’m bored. How did you spend Valentine's Day? I don’t even remember...malls don’t take bookings on Valentine’s, so Gab and I had to go to like three different restaurants before we were able to settle in Barcino, which I didn’t even enjoy 100% because it was at that moment that I found out I don’t really like Spanish cuisine. Do you get President's Day off at your school? No. We don’t have that ~holiday~ and UP would NEVER take part in it if we did. Would you rather live in a tropical or arctic climate? I’ve lived in tropical climate my whole life and I could do with some change. What is the last thing you took that wasn't yours? My dad’s car keys. Do you have an older brother? Not biologically, but I’m very close with my eldest cousin and he’s pretty much a big brother to me. What do you do when someone overweight complains about being overweight? My girlfriend does this and what I do is to find something really pretty about her for that day, let her know about it, and keep repeating it so that she feels less shitty. Is there any Irish, Scottish, or Danish in your heritage? None at all. Do you find Asians attractive? That’s my race, so sure? Is it racist to ask if a specific race is attractive or not to someone? Yes. Have either of your parents ever been to jail? They haven’t. Have you ever been to jail? I have a very vague memory of my parents making a stopover to a prison once, and I still have no clue why they did it.

Do you think Urban Outfitters is overpriced? I haven’t been to their store. Are your collarbones prominent? Yesss, I love my collarbones. Have you heard about the Alyssa Bustamante case? No. Bustamante is like insanely a Filipino surname though and I hope she’s just part Spanish or something? Have you ever in your life worn overalls? Yep. How did you react when you heard Whitney Houston had died? I was a little sad because it happened at a time when I was obsessed with Beyonce (and Whitney was one of her idols), but I didn’t know a lot of her songs so I forgot about it pretty quickly. Do you love yourself? What is the brand of desktop/laptop you're on right now? Apple. Are there any words you don't usually pronounce correctly? I’ve never figured out how to pronounce ‘innovative,’ for one. Do you think Helena Bonham Carter is attractive? Y E S. Would you rather listen to Dolly Parton or Dusty Springfield? Dolly Parton, but really, neither. Are you watching The Walking Dead this season? Ooh, I stopped watching 4-5 seasons ago. It sucks now. What TV shows do you keep up with? Queer Eye and Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Are you a light sleeper? When I have to sleep lightly, yes. Have you ever forgiven a cheater? I’ve never been cheated on. Would you consider cuddling cheating? Of course. What does the purse/bag you last used look like? It used to be a white tote bag, but now it’s dirty white with a coffee stain at the back lmao. It has a cute doodle of a whale shark for its design. Would you wear heeled/wedged oxfords? I wouldn’t be opposed to those. Go for it. Do you own a blazer? I do. Gunmetal, cooper, silver, or gold? Silver, if we’re talking about jewelry. When's the last time it snowed where you live? Literally never in the entire history of the planet and the universe and time. Can you make a clover with your tongue? I haven’t tried. What's your favorite coffee brand/flavor? Starbucks, caramel macchiato. Have you ever made out with a firecrotch? With a who now????? Do you listen to The Story So Far or Balance and Composure? Neither. Is your belly button pierced? It isn’t.

#survey #surveys

[disinvited-guest]

3/15/18 Recap

I arrived at First Avenue way before I wanted to line up, especially since it was much colder out now that I had driven North for several hours.  I ended up hanging out in a Target a few blocks away, since it had both heat and a restroom.  I was on my way back and was almost to the venue when I heard someone call “Amber” behind me.  I turned around, and there was Danny, about half a block behind me.

I stopped so he could catch up, and we walked the half block or so to the stage door together.  He wanted to know where I was from, and how many more shows I would be at.  He seemed concerned that I was traveling on my own and that I must be tired, then told me that what really wears them out is the travel, not the performing.  When we got to the door he smiled, told me he’d see me inside, and went in.

I think I get an A minus for how I handled it. The only thing I really did that was strange was to lag behind at one point so that he could pull ahead if he wanted to stop talking to me.  I was so excited that I passed all the way through freaking out and into some semblance of calm, meaning I was able to converse like a person.  

The wait was long and cold, but we eventually got in and I found a spot just to the right of Flans’ mic.  They were onstage later into Gypsy (the intro music) than normal, which I later found out was because of the vibe report Flans was doing. At the time though, I just noticed that Flans was holding his pink iphone, which he soon put down, and that he had a pair of glasses on but his clear frames hanging on the front of his shirt.  They went straight into Let’s Get This Over With.  During the first chorus, Linnell sang something besides “planet,”  I didn’t catch what it was, but it sounded intentional.  I also saw Flans mouthing along for a few words of the first verse.

After the song ended, Flans and Linnell both began swaying back and forth like video game characters when they’re standing still.  They introduced themselves and Flans called “Pass me the ball Marty, I’m open,” which made Marty laugh.  Linnell explained that they were undulating because it was “What humans do.”  They riffed on that idea for a while then Flans called  “Pass me the ball Marty, I’m open” again, using the exact same tone and inflection, and Marty took that as his cue to start them into Damn Good Times.

The intro bit played for a while and Flans stepped up to the mic to sing, but instead he went back to his amp and took off the glasses he had on, putting on his regular clear frames as the rest of the guys continued repeat the intro bit of the song.  Flans stepped up to the mic again and told us “I had my reading glasses on ladies and gentlemen,” before starting into the song.

They played Your Racist Friend and stopped to introduce Curt.  Flans then told us that he and Linnell felt delirious because they had to wake up earlier than they were used to “it’s like you’re taken out of bed in the middle of the night into a scared straight program and you’re not sure what you did wrong.”  Flans then explained about the interview and the radio station in mankato doing tmbptmbg.  Linnell chimed in that they were nice people, and Flans added that the people waking them up for the interview were shouting “they’re nice people” while shaking them.

Linnell told us “We have no idea what we said, although at one point i think i said ‘I hate children’ and i’m sure some malicious person is gonna tweet that out of context.”  Flans replied that person was “Mr. Trout, our 4000 lb arch nemesis.”

Moving on, Flans introduced the next song by telling us this was the first song they wrote for a project they did about fourteen years ago.  This lead into First Avenue, which I was incredibly excited for and sounded fantastic.  They changed the lyrics to include Curt, so the song went “Danny was yelling at Marty and Curt, John threw stuff at Dan.”

I believe it was after that song that Linnell was trying to introduce the next song.  Flans interrupted him, phone in hand “Hold on, i’m trying to take a picture of you.”  Linnell paused until Flans stepped back, then tried again.  Flans interrupted him a second time to announce “It turned out great.”  Linnell reached into his back pocket for his phone telling us “I have a few unanswered texts.”

Rather than getting around to those texts, the band played All Time What.  At one point, Linnell got up next to Curt on his riser, and bowed before taking a place next to him.

As Linnell was switching his clarinet for his accordion, Flans looked into the audience and declared that there were lots of lit majors in the crowd. He knew this because they all had glasses match his.

Linnell brought up the name Waning Gibbous from the show the night before.  They riffed on the idea for a while.  I can’t remember most of what was said, but Flans somehow tied it to the banter being run by teleprompter.  He would say “next slide,” pause and say something completely ridiculous then “still waiting.”

They played Whistling in the Dark, then started introducing people.  Dan was standing on the drum riser, waiting his turn.  I guess Flans saw, because he introduced Marty, Danny, Curt and then the audience to themselves before finally relenting and introducing Dan.

They were about to start the next song when Flans was distracted “Does that guy have something on his head?”  It was a worker carrying drinks to the crowd on a tray, he took it off of his head to reassure Flans and they moved on to Underwater Woman.

Flans introduces the next song as “Our most controversial, because it posits that science is real.”  The crowd cheered at that, but Flans continued “For those people who take issue with that, i encourage them to consider it more deeply the next time they’re on a plane.”  This led, of course, into Science is Real and then I Left My Body.

After the song finished, Flans realized “I don’t play guitar on these next two songs.”  He went and put his guitar down, and on the way back to his mic stand, Dan said something to him, apparently that he didn’t play guitar for the next three songs, because Flans responded jokingly that he did play guitar on the third song and that he had “worked something out on the bus.”

Linnell mentioned that I Left My Body used three part harmony, and told us that it used to be illegal.  Flans asked him “When? Back in the forties?  That explains why they arrested the Andrews Sisters.”

Linnell pressed on that there was “a time in 80s when there could only be two part until [name I didn’t catch] made it ok again.”

Flans told Linnell that that “explains the cultural boycott of Bad Religion,” but Linnell refused to be sidetracked.

“No, but this next song--- this is called a segue, what I’m doing, it will all make sense, this next song also has 3 part harmony.”

Flans seemed surprised by that revelation “Oh yeah!”  He moved his mic stand back by Dan, telling us “I’m gonna go stand by my partner.”  The next three part harmony song was The Mesopotamians.  

They then played This Microphone.  I keep forgetting in these recaps to describe how awesome Marty is during this song.  He has this drumstick/shaker hybrid thing in one hand and he transfers from using the one as a shaker to a drumstick and back several times throughout the song, all while using the regular drumstick in his other hand.  It looks and sounds fantastic and is really a great reminder of how insanely talented the man is.

Linnell told us that the next song, unfortunately, only had a two part harmony, but that it had “chose it off of a list of songs that are impossible to do well.”

Flans agreed, and told us that since they had memorized it, they would play it for us.  He went on to say that Linnell would be playing Beyonce “and I, I will be fulfilling my lifelong dream of playing the part of Kelly Rowland.”  They finished off the set, going from Bills Bills Bills straight into Spy before leaving the stage.

Marty was back on for the second set a solid ten seconds before the Johns.  He did this hilarious thing where he pretended to be surprised to see his Quiet Storm setup, then whipped of the cover and threw it at Fresh before sitting down.  Flans and Linnell joined him and they played Older.  It had an extra long pause in it, and all three of them bowed when it was over.  

During I Like Fun Flans forgot some lyrics, afterwards he clarified what they were for us saying “I’m sorry, I meant to say ‘my EXCELLENCE at Parkour is not to be discounted.’”  He went on to introduce Tippecanoe and Tyler Too as a song from 1840 that was popular in bars.  

After the song, Linnell said  “People laugh when we say this song is from 1840 because they’re used to us saying fake stuff that's supposed to be funny. But this song really is from 1840.”

Flans promised us “You can google that one,”  then introduced Marty on the high school alarm bell.

They played Shoehorn With Teeth, during which Marty was as overly dramatic as ever, and as soon as they finished, Linnell started the accordion part for How Can I Sing Like A Girl.  Flans went along with it, but afterwards Linnell realized “Oh, that wasn’t next on the setlist!”  Flnas assured him it wasn’t a big deal and Linnell agreed “Now we’ve both messed up, so we’re even!” Flans responded off-mic with something I didn’t catch, but it made Linnell laugh and relax before starting Self Called Nowhere.

The  Dans returned to the stage for Istanbul.  Dan and Curt switched off during one of the fake endings again, which was as amazing as the night before, and Curt was absolutely, unbelievably fantastic during the real ending.

Flans was announcing to us that the band was back onstage when a person in the crowd yelled something incomprehensible.  Linnell announced that it meant “We’ve reached the yelling random crap portion of the show.”

After Hearing Aid Flans outlined basically the entirely of their future touring, starting with the Canadian tour “We know people here know people from Canada!”

Linnell chimed in to add “We love Canada!”  Then mutter a comment about Tim Horton’s selling horse meat.

Flans then told his story about announcing the 8 city tour and how the first comment under the announcement was “We have 8 cities?”

Moving on, Flans reminded us that the JoCo Cruise would be hosting them in San Juan.  Linnell asked him who else was going to be there and Flans said that he thought Aimee Mann and them were the only ones who had been announced.  Linnell asked if Open Mike Eagle was going to be there, and  Flans replied “I know he was this past year but I don’t… You know what? Sure. Open Mike Eagle is going to be on the JoCo Cruise!”

“And I would think Jonathan Coulton would be there,” Linnell continued.  

Flans agreed it would be odd if he wasn’t at own cruise but “What a power trip, it’s like Ozzy Osbourne not being at Ozfest.”

They then mentioned the next song as having a typo in the liner notes “a first for us” and launched into a longer run of songs, moving from When the Lights Come On, through Wicked Little Critta and Twisting.

Flans introduced the next song as being of of their new album which received “three stars out of an unknown number of stars.”

“An infinite number,” Linnell told him.

“It received three stars out of an infinite number of stars ladies and gentlemen,” Flans amended.

This lead into Mrs. Bluebeard and then New York City.  Flans then introduced the band, telling us when introducing Marty “He’s come all the way from New York City, he’s a Sagittarius, and he’s come to hear you scream!” (it’s important to note that Marty is not a Sagittarius, stay tuned for the Milwaukee recap)

They played when will you Die, then started into Particle Man.  They got us to start clapping then Linnell told us “We might ask you to stop, but don’t stop clapping, no matter how much we beg!” and played Here You Come Again for the interlude.  They held the last note of Particle Man for a long time before they left the stage.

They played Birdhouse in Your Soul and The Guitar for the first encore, with Flans sticking to the album lyrics and an extra wild Future of Sound.  The second encore was Dr Worm, and they held that final note even longer than they had held for Particle Man.

Flans, Marty, and Danny were soon back out with stickers.  Someone handed Danyn a TMBG license plate to get signed, and he was running around stage with that, a sharpie, and a setlist in his hand, but he wasn’t giving any out.  After a minute or so he walked over to me with a setlist.  Ii was worried he felt obligated to give one to me, and I must’ve looked conflicted of something because he asked me if i wanted it.  Of course I did so I nodded vigorously and took it from him.  

It wasn’t until the next day, when I saw a picture of another copy that looked different, that I realized the reason he was carrying the setlist along with everything else around stage was so he could add How Can I Sing Like A Girl onto it for me!

#tmbg #recap

[retro-pure-jdonica]

Chapter 13

Light sexual abuse warning

——————————————

Friday comes and as I walk into the lunch room and see Heather Duke, I am reminded of our plans for tonight. I am absolutely filled with dread at the thought of the double "date" tonight with Heather Duke, Kurt, and Ram. I sit down at the table with my tray and wait for one of the Heathers to spark up a conversation, which Heather Chandler soon does.

"What does myriad mean?" Heather Chandler sighs as she looks up from her English homework.

"Numerous." I respond quickly.

"Huh?" Heather asks again, not understanding my answer.

"Like, lots of something." I explain in slightly more simplistic vocabulary.

"Oh, thanks Ronnie." Heather says as she begins to scribble down my answer to her question.

"So, Veronica, about tonight..." Heather Duke begins. I audibly sigh, wanting her to know that I still don't want to go on this "date". "Ram is driving and we'll pick you up around 7:00, does that sound alright?"

"I guess. Have you talked to Kurt and told him that this is not a date, I am not going on a date with Kurt Kelly." I say, stressing the importance that she has told Kurt my stance on this situation.

"Yes, of course." Heather Duke replies. She looks like she's telling the truth and I don't see any reason for her to not tell Kurt that this isn't a date, so I believe her.

"What does J.D. think about this? I thought you two we're into one another." Heather McNamara asks me. I know that since its coming from Mac its with genuine concern, so I answer nicely.

"I talked to him about it on Tuesday, and stressed to him that it wasn't a date. He simply thanked me for telling him, he didn't seem upset or anything." I explain. Mac nods and goes back to eating her lunch. I do the same.

The rest of the day, at least up until 7:00, goes by far too fast. J.D. called me around 6:00 to make sure I was doing alright, something that has become a daily thing, and to ask if I was still going to the drive in. I told him that sadly I was, but reminded him that it wasn't a date.

I kept on the same sweater and skirt I wore to school to wear to the drive in, in fact the only difference between what I wore to school versus what I'm going to wear to the drive in is that I now have a purse. I look over at my bedside clock to discover that it is already 7:00. I slide on my shoes and walk down the stairs to wait for Ram to arrive.

At around 7:05 there is a knock at the door. I walk over to the door and swing it open to see Heather Duke standing on my front porch. "Are you ready?" She asks.

"I suppose." I sigh as I follow her over to Ram's car. She walks over to the passenger door so I sit down in the back next to Kurt.

"Hello Veronica, you look lovely." Kurt smiles as I sit down beside him, making me want to vomit.

"Thank you." I mutter uncomfortably in response. As we travel to the drive in, I pay extra attention to the route in case I need to escape back home by foot. The drive in was quite a distance from my house, but by insane luck it was only about a mile from J.D.'s neighborhood.

Ram pays for all of us and then goes to park. "Do you ladies want any drinks?" Kurt asks. Before Heather or I could respond, Ram begins speaking.

"That won't be necessary, I already brought refreshments." Ram laughs as he pulls a bottle of alcohol out from the floor board in front of him.

"Alright." Kurt smiles as Ram takes a huge sip of the drink. He's not reacting to it as if it were vodka, so I'm not quite sure what it is. Ram passes it to Heather, who then passes it to Kurt. After Kurt takes his drink he goes to hand the bottle to me.

"I don't want any." I reply.

"Oh come on Veronica, it's fun." He laughs.

"I said I don't want any." I snap at him. He just smiles and rolls his eyes before passing the bottle back to Ram. They rotate around until the bottle is empty and by then they are all, except for Ram who only drank twice so he could still somewhat drive them home, sufficiently tipsy. Kurt, who drank the most, was border lining drunkenness.

To my disgust, Heather and Ram scooted closer together in the front seats of the car and began making out. Part of my disgust came from the inevitable fact that, since Ram was getting a girl, Kurt was going to start making moves on me.

As I'm looking out the car door window, attempting to mentally remove myself from the situation, I feel a hand ride up my right leg, sliding my skirt upwards with it. I violently turn my head around to see that the hand belonged to, with no surprise, Kurt. I smacked his hand away from me. "Come on, Veronica." Kurt drunkenly smiles.

"No." I reply sharply. I feel my heart begin to beat faster as I become scared. I'm in a car with a drunk, very strong, teenage boy who is possibly attempting to take advantage of me. Suddenly, Kurt leans over on top of me, grabbing my shoulders to make it difficult to move, and forces his lips onto mine. "Get off of me!" I scream as I shove him away, at first with slightly difficulty. Ram and Heather are too busy to care, I have to deal with Kurt on my own. After I get Kurt off of me, I open the car door and climb out before hurriedly walking out of the drive in. As I'm leaving, I feel myself begin to cry. My stomach hurts as if I were about to throw up, and I feel so disgusting in a way that makes me want to crawl out of my own skin.

——————————

Sorry for the odd cutoff, this chapter was originally about 2,000 words and I try to keep mine around 1,000 so I just cut it in half.

#retro heathers #heather chandler #heather duke #heather mcnamara #heathers the musical #heathers au #heathers #veronica sawyer #jason dean #jd #retro jdonica #pure jdonica #ram sweeney #kurt kelly #retro jdronica #pure jdronica

[gawaine]

by popular demand: welcome to the saga of Fuckboy Supreme

*sigh* aka i’m dumb, what’s new

i’m going to try and keep this short bc ffs

Fuckboy Supreme (FS for short). Mr Popular of my cohort. hangs out at the back w/ the rest of the rugby boys. blonde, blue eyed... not my type.

i’d identified him as the FS of the year early on and Blonde Pop and I established that he, and my other friend Steffan, were probably the two best looking single guys in our course (not saying much). I heard that he was from money and was clearly trying to hide it (E much?) and I saw a lot of similarities. he was interesting to watch every now and then but I didn’t think we’d ever really cross paths.

except one day, we end up thrown together in clin. skills, alongside his best friend + housemate (Human Shield, for future reference. he becomes important later) and we kind of chat and lo and behold, he’s actually a pretty chill guy? nice enough to talk to. to the point where I tell my friends this (we all sit together down at the front) and I shock both FS and HS when I see them around and say hi (after HS and I spend a hospital shift together on NICU). more importantly, in that clin. skills session, me and HS are meant to “watch [FS] closely” to give feedback and I notice that this dude’s legs are absolutely insane, sculpted out of effing marble, and that same day, he’s happy to whip off his shirt (we’re doing resp. exams) and keep it off as he talks to someone. and I see he has a scar on his shoulder and ofc bc ME I’m like “omg sO PRETTY AND CLEAN” and he lets me basically play around with his weird af shoulder (old injury, post-surgery) as he chats to one of our tutors and I’m chatting to another tutor about the scarring. and he smells clean and he’s not super sculpted, as one would expect, but he’s lean in a natural, soft kinda way and i’m like okay, cool. and we chat a little and he’s nice about me not having a science background and w/e.

weeks go by, we say hi every now and then. then I slowly become obsessed with his legs.

it’s a slow process but the boy keeps walking into lectures, right by my seat to get to his, and he wears shorts and seriously... l e g s. but I’m wary of this so I’m happy to objectify him and for a time it works; idgaf if he notices (he doesn’t) and my friends find it hilarious, but I tell them I’m not interested in anything above the neck (or really, anything that isn’t thighs down) bc happy to stare and not know a thing about his personality thank you very much.

... I go out of my way to stand by that. and then, in a particularly shitty lecture one day, as I’m contemplating trying a psych shift, I realise the only person I know of who’s done what I’m interested in is... FS.

I decide fuck it, I’ll just message and ask - no being polite or friendly, straight to the point bc it’s work and I’m not there to open a door (even though, and I tell the girls this, by opening up messaging I feel like I am). this causes a non-stop 45min FB chat - I mean non-stop - and he’s hilarious. super hilarious. he’s also flirting w/ me and whilst I know this is all bc he’s FS (and I tell him so - he finds it v. funny), it’s a fun convo and it’s harmless and I reckon he’s just playing up bc we’re both bored.

... things escalate quickly.

we message back and forth a lot - he’s very quick and sharp, so he keeps up w/ me easily, but I’m treating him as I would anyone else. this lasts a while, but he keeps flirting and I keep telling him he’s a moron and eventually say if he keeps it up I’m just going to treat him like a psych experiment.

... I assume him continuing means he knows i’m being serious.

he becomes my psych experiment. lots of things being studied, including E and stuff from my dissertation etc etc and although at this point I know we’re embroiled in a weird power struggle, I stop giving a fucks because hey, he’s an experiment to me and i’m an unofficial therapist for him, right? win win. i don’t NEED to give a fuck about how it comes across.

2 weeks later, i’m sitting in the library while he’s at home, and we end up arguing over FB. he starts off polite but it quickly becomes i’m being intrusive, messaging him a lot, etc; why can’t I treat him like Aussie Essex (Blonde Pop’s housemate and my friend, as well as FS’) aka a normal friend and I’m like “lol but we’re not friends”, which we’ve both acknowledged before, but my stance is: I know things about him bc I asked specific things bc psychoanalysis. He doesn’t know anything about me. Friendship is mutual, that isn’t. basically I’m like “look, i’m sorry, have a nice life” in nicer words (bc I’m lost bc in my mind - I TOLD him he was a psych experiment??) and he’s all “what so you’re going to ignore me forever now haha” in not so many words and I’m like ???, but when he doesn’t respond, i’m like cool, we’re dead to each other, fine.

the girls notice how fucking ICE COLD we are w/ each other when we’re in the common room, though we wouldn’t normally talk, and Trout (not indicative of her face; a girl we both know, a member of the School - aka the group of girls who worship FS and his friends in my year, they have literally sat at FS’ feet before - who at this point, has been watching me and FS for a while) gets smug. bear in mind, after that first FB chat, I was throwing an event as co-president of the trauma society and was making the rounds around the common room to see who was coming and, after some initial back and forth, I commanded FS to come and he was like “fuck OKAY. okay? shit yes, okay” (he didn’t come and was meant to help me get numbers, but he fucked that too. idk if it was deliberate. it was a success anyway tho so w/e) and Trout was all ?!?!?! because she watches FS like a hawk and so he and I talking clearly confused her

but then a few days later he sees me sitting alone in lectures where I don’t usually sit and he’s like “morning Hannah” and, too shocked to do anything else, I auto-reply “morning [FS]” and just like that we’re okay again?

after the fight, I message him once - a silly message in a lecture by a 1st world Barbie - to test his reaction to the lecture more than anything else, but he doesn’t reply, which I suspected, but after that... no FB. I refuse to break that rule.

BUT I do grab him a couple of times when he walks by my seat in the break; I apologise face-to-face after he says hi and he apologises for the misunderstanding regarding the argument (he may have said hi after that?? idk) and he basically demands we’re friends and I’m like yeah whatever sure pal

but then he walks in one day wearing a beanie just like E’s and I. i just. it becomes a thing. i have a really cute bobble hat I wear every day bc our lecture theatre is colder than the Arctic fucking circle and so as I joke about him competing, I’m really freaking out bc that’s when I realise just how MUCH he reminds me of E. this hat becomes a Thing. I grab it one time and threaten to keep it hostage with Blonde Pop in front of all of his friends and they look at me like I’m insane, confused, lost at how I, a Front Row Person, dares to challenge FS. I’m literally in high school again.

aware of that, I die it down... and long story short, somehow, FS starts saying hi more and more in the morning and we have these mini chats (once the hat thing dies down), but it’s really tiny.

then I fuck up my wrist.

it pisses me off bc he’s clearly curious but doesn’t ask and I’m like “further proof we’re not friends” to myself but by this point, so much little shit has happened that all of my friends know what’s going on (lbr they did anyway) and his School are aware of me too - but OH - so there was this med school ball thing and we both went and that’s when I got more E vibes and I was like “fuck this” bc the more I avoided it the more it was happening and he was avoiding me and so AFTER that I was like “fuck this” and planned on ignoring him but that just... didn’t happen (I’m omitting so much of the finer details).

so yeah, he’s annoying me about my wrist bc he’s eavesdropping when I talk to my friend about it, but... nothing? so I’m like w/e fuck this dude and by this point, as an accidental by product of me being pissed with him at the ball (and myself), I’m dealing with some other male Situations and it’s pissing me off 

bUT then exam week arrives and we have a really lovely chat before anatomy and he’s being all sweet and friendly and the School is confused and HS is confused (HS is perpetually confused when it comes to me and FS, which is odd, bc otherwise we’re pretty chill w/ each other) but at this point something doesn’t feel right bc I’m good w/ body language, right? communication, esp non-verbal, is my thing. and he’s being weird.

then I come home for the weekend to get my wrist seen to and Blonde Pop goes out with everyone else to celebrate exams being over (I leave with 2 of my other friends right after) and FS sees Blonde Pop, who he’s spoken to bc of me enough times now, and he asks where I am - and that’s weird bc we NEVER have spoken in a social setting so I’m like??

we get back; he stops before lectures and comments on my temporary cast (fracture clinic appointment tomorrow guys, prayer circle) and says something like “oh, well it’s good it’s completely immobilised” (30mins later i realise why this bothered me; he’s quoted me directly from when he was eavesdropping on me and my friend discussing the injury accidentally, and I’m like aHA I KNEW IT) and I make a flippant comment about yeah, but it’s not great for getting dressed in the morning and he’s like “oh, I’ll help you get dressed” and I look at him like wtf bc lol he’s such a moron but also ??? but then he sees Kelly and bolts, though he was laughing too and trying to justify that comment (badly) and for perspective, I tell Kelly and she immediately picks up my phone to see it and I’m like no, this just happened in person and she’s like what the actual fUCK bc that is not the level FS and I are in person so it’s not just me ok

and then later I see him sitting with Aussie Essex and when I go to speak to AE he’s like “hi??” and me, not hearing him but seeing him watching me, am all flippantly like “oh hey” and carry on but it throws me tf off bc we’ve had our one convo of the day inside the lecture theatre and this is getting weird and i’m immediately like ?? did he sit with Aussie Essex knowing I’d say hi? wtf?

then it’s the end of term pub quiz collecting money for charity (I’m using so much ‘then’, it’s disgusting and u can see i’m not in writer mode) and my gut tells me to avoid FS bc he’s leaving after lectures the next day but everyone is like wtf no come, it’ll be chill, so I do, and it’s fine, and he’s there and right in my line of vision but i’m like w/e w/e and we kinda say hi but it’s in passing and at this point, I’m on good terms with like... the majority of the guys in his little gang (he lives with 4 of them, so I’m polite to all of them on some level) and so when HS is introducing me to his gf, it’s fine... until he’s like “oh btw I forgot to tell you - this is [FS’] girl”

??????????????????

things escalate quickly. first FS sends me hearts, I flip him off, then he starts talking and I can’t hear so I go over and that’s when I get fucking ambushed by his housemate, who I only have spoken to once or so but know his gf but will hereby be known as Buttface... about how they’ve all (FS’ friends) given every girl on each row a percentage of how much they think that girl fancies FS. I’ve scored one of the highest - 73%, alongside another girl with a slight reputation (no judgement) who has been all over FS the majority of the night so far.

the more I defend myself, the more Buttface claims that’s proof of it being true (as a lit grad, do you know how much that logic offends me???) and FS only repeats that he wasn’t a part of the convo, it was only about him so not to blame him. but he listens smugly. things escalate. i’m ashamed to admit i’m so thrown off that i am not my best and as things continue to escalate, i feel too blindsided to do what I want to (though I do half-slap FS once bc I can’t fully slap him in a room full of our course w/o Drama, and though I go to spill a drink on him twice, everyone stops me) and it’s a mess and once it’s over, i’m raging and have to leave. a lot of people stay out though, so half of the lecture is too hungover the next day... so I don’t see FS and that week, we broke off for Xmas break. but before i left, I nudged HS and was like “wtf so you and your house talk about me a lot...” (literally aLL OF FS’ housemates are familiar w/ the topic) and HS is like “nah, I reckon he fancies YOU” and I know HS is a shit stirrer so it pisses me off more

Blonde Pop is raging for me. Broski is like “meh, men”, though Percival takes offence at the shitty logic; but Deej and Cap (who I travelled with) are like lol what this is a victory. in the power struggle, you’re winning. he doesn’t think we know about all of this; but you’re clearly important enough for all of his housemates to know your name. Lulu and Dragon Jock see me the next day; I make Lulu give me a hug bc I’m like “am I giving off hoe vibes??” and Lulu, who is soft and smiley and a cinnamon roll, is all “nO IT’S LAD CULTURE AND IT’S RUBBISH” and it’s very cute and defensive of me and Dragon Jock is just like “lol i’ll hit ‘em”. which is nice.

general consensus is to ignore the fuck outta him come going back in 2 weeks but?? idk if I can? it’s not that simple bc we have the rest of the course together and I know that he’ll act like everything’s fine and if i say why i’m pissed, Buttface will use that as ‘proof’ (rather than me being horrified at their audacity, I mean CHRIST ON A STICK) and if I don’t, it’s still proof... Broski says this won’t go away anytime soon bc of that reason but that isn’t satisfactory either

and like i clearly try to blend into the bg to avoid drama and now i’m like? why bother?? when we all went for takeout in our last night in Swans before heading home, Cap was like “i find it hilarious how you have so much drama around you” and when I was all “i sit in my room and watch Netflix tho??”, he was like “... that’s why it’s hilarious” and tbh yes, but not in a funny way, in more of a dAMN IT way

fuck blending? it makes no difference? hence me accepting my femininity, bc... screw everyone else, I’ll do what the fuck I want 

but yeah. that’s the latest.

also, in slapping him, i felt his stubble and that was not the one.

berate me freely, go forth...

#the student diaries #fuckboy supreme #goodnight #finndamrron #franklyineedcoffee #i thought it'd be easier to say it in one go

[chicagoindiecritics]

New from Jon Espino on The Young Folks: Interview: Trey Edward Shults, Kelvin Harrison Jr., and Taylor Russell talk about the complexities in ‘Waves’

Every decade or so, we get new media that only entertains us but educates us on the experiences of the next generation. Many times they highlight the new complexities and differences of their experience to ours, but they also remind us that while it may be put in a different context, at its core they are things we have also gone through. Trey Edward Shults delivers exactly that in his latest film, Waves, which explores not only how these experiences affect a family unit, but how race can also play into them.

We spoke with Trey Edward Shults, and actors Kelvin Harrison Jr. and Taylor Russell collaborating together, revisiting their teenage years, MySpace and the start of social media, and more.

Since your first film, Krisha, you’ve created films that explore different family dynamics. We revisit topics like addiction and overbearing fathers. What attracts you to these types of stories?

Trey Edward Shults: I just connect to a lot of them. Personal experiences and loved ones’ experiences, especially in these 3 movies [Krisha, It Comes at Night, Waves] because they weren’t made that far apart. They were probably all brewing in the brain at around the same time. Whether it’s conscious or not, I think I was still rustling with some certain things, and remain fascinated by them.

As the film starts, everything seems almost idyllic, nearly perfect, but as it goes on, we learn the true complexity of each character. What was it about your respective characters that drew you in?

Kelvin Harrison Jr.: For me it was seeing this boy who had so much love and respect for his dad and those around him, but he really didn’t know how to communicate that or know what to do with that information for himself. He starts trying to appease everyone in a way that ultimately strips him away from his own identity and his own voice. I wanted to show the humanity of a black boy where he doesn’t fall into the cliches, but who can make mistakes that also don’t define who they are. I also wanted to show how a family would have to grow because of the historical traumas that come from being a black family in America right now. It wasn’t just about the character but also the entire message of what we have to go through as African Americans. 

Taylor Russell: It’s really rare that you get characters like this for a young woman. I haven’t ever seen a script like this come across my lap, so it was a no-brainer to be a part of it. To see a story that is so nuanced, truthful, and authentic to the complexities of the black experience, which is so vast and so different for every person, made me admire how that was portrayed in this story. I liked how quiet she was, and how her strength was unconventional and unique. Even the storytelling style was perfect, how it was told in the two halves, was something that felt unique and that I had never seen before. I knew Trey’s work from Krisha. It was shot in such a beautiful way and unlike any other cinema. People were telling me that it was going to be quite close to Krisha, and I was like, “Oh my god, if it’s going to be like that then hell yes! Let’s do it!”

I like the way the film is split into two different perspectives. The first half focuses on the male experience, while the second half follows the aftermath and the female experience. Was it always your intention to split the film up this way?

TES: I think it was in the DNA way before even writing it. It functions in dichotomies, literally from highs and low, white and black, male and female, love and hate, and everything else in between. I liked the idea of the movie functioning in these dichotomies, but what it’s really about is the link and complexity of how we’re connected by the contrasts in our lives.

Although the film mostly focuses on the individual struggles and the family as a whole, there are a few moments in the film that talks exclusively to the black experience in America. What resources did you use to research this before incorporating it into the film? 

TES: Kelvin was such an invaluable resource, and he’s the reason that the story is about a black family. We met on our last film [It Comes at Night] and first started talking about Waves. I didn’t have it written yet, but I started talking about ideas of what I thought the movies was, and broad strokes about what I wanted it to be. Then, we were like, “We should do it together.”  When I was first writing it, we were texting a lot. Almost like little therapy sessions as we were learning about each other, learning about our commonalities and shared experiences with families, especially around the character’s age. Kel got a first draft, 8 months before we started shooting and then we kept building it further and further at that point. I let the actors kind ad-lib and make some changes to the scenes so that it would feel more natural and authentic. I felt like it was my job just to listen and understand and try to capture everything I could. 

So this was truly a collaborative process?

TES: Oh, absolutely.

KHJ: It was so easy because it really feels like the script and Trey’s version of it really understands the family. It was like the skeleton and the muscles, setting a strong foundation so that we can come in and be like, “Well, let’s put some brown skin here and a little blush and we’re good to go.”  I was never fearful of speaking up and being like, “Well this is how I feel and this is how I experienced this.” He would also respond with, “Well that makes sense and I understand that so now let’s shoot it that way.” To me, that’s beautiful.

While watching the film, it takes a turn partway through where it turns into a horror film. It feels almost nightmarish at a certain point.

TR: On the day of shooting those scenes, you could tell right away the tonal shift the movie was taking. It felt scary, and that day of filming was really intense too. Although a lot of that was in the script, it is still quite shocking when you see the final version. 

TES: I talked about this with Sterling [K. Brown] a lot too. For this family, the greatest tragedy has happened and a nightmare has come to life. It started with exploring how this would feel for this family and this situation, and from there it grew to adding the visuals and audio elements that would end up giving it more of a horror feel. 

One of the things that really helped push some of the more unnerving elements was the sound design and Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross’ score. How did that come together?

TES: It just got super lucky. One day, I got an email from Trent and Atticus saying they were interested in working together. It was unbelievable. For sound design, I had Johnnie Burn and his whole team create that atmosphere and mood. 

I’m still haunted by the sounds of the ligaments and muscles tearing. It was almost like ASMR, but in the most stressful kind of way. 

TES: Johnnie had such an amazing foley team and I don’t even know how they got most of the sounds they used in the film. We played with that beyond just what would sound natural and tried out things that would be more subjective to the characters, like whenever Tyler would use his shoulder. 

KHJ: Oh, I was on the ground and I could definitely hear it and feel it.

Did you know how to wrestle or did you have to learn just for the role?

KHJ: Hell-to-the-no. I had to transform. I did 3 months of wrestling training. I did 3 days a week of CrossFit with wrestling twice a day. My wrestling coach Vlad is actually in the movie. He would tell me, “Kelly, get tough!”  It was a tough experience but ultimately great for the movie because I could feel free and authentic when playing the character. 

For some people, their teenage years are either the best or the worst. How did it feel revisiting that time for your characters, or even while developing this film together?

TR: I mean, we play teenagers a lot. I feel like I’m constantly in high school. Maybe I’ll finally graduate one day. One can only dream. I think I got a little bit longer because I have a babyface. This story though feels so transcendent beyond being a 16-year-old, it’s more about the human experience. In that way, it feels like it could be at any age. At the same time, it’s telling the story of teenagers and experiencing and feeling things for the first time. It was a fun thing to explore, but also a hard thing. 

KHJ: It was therapeutic for me. My parents saw it for the first time and they told me that that could really understand the relationships. That’s what the movie ends up being about: relationships. At the end of it, I was feeling like maybe I should call my mom and try to figure out how to communicate with her a little bit better. It transcends age in a lot of ways, but the specificity of the 2019 kid experience is fascinating to me. I remembering having MySpace growing up.  

I honestly still miss MySpace. It’s basically the only reason I have the limited HTML coding knowledge I have. I mainly miss that you could set specific songs on the page. 

KHJ: I don’t miss it at all. So many fights when you would set your top 5 or top 10. It was the beginning of proper social media drama, and I was just not interested in it. The intensity of that now with apps like Instagram and Snapchat is insane. 

TR: In the film, you see the role that social media plays after the major event happens. Just the way people comment and speak about it so realistic. Even the cussing in the movie feels real, like when Trey has the phone autocorrect “ducking” for the f-word. We all know about that and that feeling when you’re so mad that you just don’t even care that it typed that out because we all know what they’re trying to say. It just adds to the overall relatability and speaks to real experiences.  

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[multi-goodness]

Don’t Give Up

Because I can’t sleep. I’m gonna regret this in the morning, but so worth it LOL. Enjoy!

PS this is NOT my sad story, don’t worry. We had enough sadness for one night.

-------------------------------------------------------

“I understand what you’re trying to do, Gabby, but I’m fine. It’s been a few weeks, I’m over it.” She lied, but enough was enough already. Whenever she was working, no one left her alone. They wanted to make sure that she was okay. The only time she got a moments peace at work was when they were on a call, and it wasn’t even peaceful.

And forget about when she had off. Gabby would call her as soon as she woke up, sometimes even waking her up in the process. And then for the rest of the day, she would spend time with Sylvie. She loved Gabby, she did, but she needed time to herself.

“You know, when me and Matt broke up for a little there, you helped me out a lot.” She reminded Sylvie.

“I was trying to set you up with someone else.” It wasn’t one of Sylvie’s prouder moments. She was new to Chicago, and she was happy that she had a friend in Gabby. Although she was dating Cruz, she felt alone, so she felt like doing that for Gabby would gain a friend.

“Yes.” Gabby said, remembering that clearly. “But after I told you that I needed a friend, you became that friend, and honestly you never stopped.”

“You are more than welcome to stop by my apartment, but I just feel like staying in tonight.” Because Gabby was married to the most supportive man, he was sharing Gabby with Sylvie. But, they were still newlyweds, she didn’t mind being alone at times. “Spend time with your husband, he probably misses you.”

“You’ll call me if you need me, right?” Gabby asked as she headed over to her car.

“Of course.” Sylvie promised. “Right now, I just want to go home and take a long hot bath and sleep.” She smiled at her plans.

“Okay. Call me later.” She said as she opened her car door. She looked behind her as Matt ran up to Gabby apologizing. “Sorry, Chief needed the paper work before we headed home.” He looked over at Sylvie. “Are you coming over later?” He questioned.

“No.” She shook her head, smiling at him. “Tonight, you can keep your wife to yourself.”

“She’s ditching us.” Gabby said, jokingly.

Sylvie laughed as she unlocked her car door. “I’ll see you guys later.” She said as she placed her paramedic bag in the passenger seat as she stepped inside her car.

------------------------------

“What are you doing?!” Gabby hissed at her brother.

“What are you talking about, sis? I’m just boxing.” He said, defensively. Ever since his break up with Sylvie, all he’s been doing is working and boxing. He wanted to spend time with the kids, but ever since Laura snapped about Sylvie having Diego, she was being a bitch. His life all around sucked at the moment and boxing helped him.

“Exactly. You’re just boxing. You aren’t fighting for Sylvie.” Gabby took a deep breath as she looked at her brother. “Listen, I understand you have to thread lightly with Laura because of the kids, however, you were happy with Sylvie.”

Antonio shook his head. “Gabby, no. We both wanted this, we’re fine.” He reassured her. “So please, let it go.”

Gabby nodded her head. “You’re grown, so I can’t talk you out of doing anything you’d regret.”

“Wait a minute---weren’t you the one who told Sylvie that it was too soon for us anyway?” He questioned. “And if I’m mistaken, you weren’t happy with our relationship from the start.”

“I never had a problem with your relationship with Sylvie. But seeing my friend and brother flirt? It was uncomfortable. And then seeing your hands all over each other, it was turning my stomach. But I’ve seen how happy you were, and that made me happy.”

“Just let it go, we’re both adults.” Antonio was done discussing this. And Gabby realized that, so she just shut her mouth and went on to a different topic.

-------------------

For the the first time since the break up, she was alone. Sure, Gabby said to call her when she needed her, but she needed to deal with the pain on her own. She wanted so badly to hate Antonio for causing her pain, but at the same time how could she hurt a man she was in love with?

She sighed, they hadn’t said the words yet, and she wasn’t even sure if he felt it. But she sure did. Who couldn’t fall in love with Antonio? She couldn’t help but blame this all on her. He apologized for the way Laura treated her, and instead of accepting it, she yelled at him? No wonder why he ran away from her. The last thing he needed was more stressed placed on him.

As she was watching a romantic movie and sighing, while eating ice cream she heard a knocked on her door. As much as she wanted it to be Antonio, she knew it wouldn’t be. It was pretty clear that he felt like they needed a break.

Sylvie wiped the tears from her eyes and she stood up, placing the ice cream on the table in front of her. She walked over to her door and answered it, seeing Kelly standing there.

She was surprised to see him. Sure, she considered him to be family, but they also weren’t close outside of work.

“Hey.” He said, giving her a smile. “Just checking in.”

“Hi.” She said as she opened her door wider, letting him in. “That’s sweet of you, but I’m fine.” She reassured him but then she looked at him suspiciously. “Did Gabby send you?” She questioned.

He looked at her confused but then he shook his head. “What? No. I felt like I was being insensitive when you and Antonio broke up. So, this is my peace offering.” He said as he reached in his pocket and took out a candy bar.

Sylvie laughed. It was the first real laugh in weeks. “What? Do you just carry candy bars in your pocket?” She questioned, clearly amused.

“No. But I wasn’t sure if you would let me in, and if I came walking in with a candy bar in my hands, I wouldn’t have had a chance to apologize.” He said, jokingly. “So, here. It’s Fresh, I promise.”

Sylvie smiled and she took the candy bar from him. “Thank you.” She said, sincerely.

“So, how are you really doing?” He asked.

“Breaks up are hard, but I’ll be fine.” She replied as she walked over to the couch and sat down.

He walked over to her and noticed the ice cream on the table. “At least you’re dealing with the effects of the break up.”

“Yeah.” She said, sadly. “I just wish someone would have knocked me upside the side, thinking I could make a relationship work with a single father that has a crazy ex-wife.”

“My question is--why did you let her get to you?” He questioned. “You do realize this is what she wanted?”

“What was I supposed to do? Let her talk to me any way she wanted?”

“No, of course not. But it wasn’t about you. She just wanted to make Antonio mad.” He took a deep breath. “But this also isn’t my place to say anything. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Thank you for that.” Sylvie said with a smile.

“Can I just give you one piece of advice?” He questioned. When she nodded her head, he continued. “I had plenty of failed relationships, and most of them could have gotten fixed if we both weren’t so stubborn. All I’m saying is, don’t let his ex-wife or his problems in that area be the reason why you’re sitting in your apartment eating ice cream. We all live a life that can be taken away from us tomorrow, do you want this to be your last night, moping and crying over something that can be fixed?”

Sylvie sat in silence, taking in his words. After a few minutes, she opened her mouth. “But he wanted the break up.”

“Did he really? Or did he want to save you the headache?” He questioned as he stood up. “Look at me, I was finally ready to accept love in my life, and I lost it. Don’t lose it.”

“You really have grown up, Kelly.” Sylvie said with a smile. “Thank you for this.”

Kelly nodded his head. “Anytime. We’re family, you already know that.”

As soon as Kelly left, she closed the door behind him and she walked off to her room, getting dressed. She wasn’t sure where Antonio would be tonight, and maybe this was a stupid plan, but she missed Antonio. What sense was it to be hurting for no reason?

Although it was freezing in Chicago, she still managed to put on a dress. She wanted to look her absolute best so that it would be hard for Antonio to turn her down. She placed curls in her hair as she headed in her living room. She slipped on her coat and picked up her purse as she headed towards her door. As she opened the door, she almost bumped straight into Antonio.

“Oh---” She said as she stopped in her tracks and looked up at him. “What are you doing here?” She questioned.

“I--uh--” His voice trailed off as he noticed her outfit. “Hot date?” He asked, trying to hide the fact that even thinking about it made him jealous.

“Uh, no.” Then she thought about using Gabby, sorry Gab, she thought to herself. “Girls night out.” She lied, hoping he wouldn’t catch her in a lie.

But he seemed to buy it because his facial expression relaxed. “Do you have a minute?” He questioned.

This could be bad or good news, but seeing as how she was on her way to see him, she had nowhere to go now. She nodded her head and stepped back into her apartment.

Sylvie slipped off her coat and placed her purse on the table.

“You do look amazing to go out for girls night out.” He said, and Sylvie could see his eyes darkening. No, they had to fix this, if they could.

“Antonio.” She warned, trying to get him back on topic. She was happy that he came to her first, right now she had the control, she had the power.

Antonio forgot for a minute on why he was here, but looking in her eyes, he could see the pain. It mirrored his own. If he didn’t have his job and boxing, he would sure enough go insane. “I’m sorry.” He whispered.

“What?” Sylvie said. She heard him, but he came all the way to her apartment to say sorry? Didn’t they already go through this?

“I’m sorry.” He said, this time louder. “I shouldn’t have said any of those things I said. I’m just not good at keeping my temper in check.” He took a deep breath. “I also should have warned you about Laura coming to the firehouse. I know this isn’t what you wanted, with Laura and the kids.”

“No, I’m sorry. You can’t control what Laura does or says. I just think in my own way, I overreacted. Usually I’m not that kind of woman, but I also was never involved with a situation like this. I think we could have all handled that better.”

“We could have.” He agreed. “It was just a stupid fight, wasn’t it?” He questioned as he stepped closer to her.

“It was but--” She watched as his facial expression turned to sadness when she said but. “You really hurt me. I can take fights, I can take arguments, but you giving up on us entirely isn’t something I can handle again.”

“You gave up on me too. You let me walked away.” He pointed out.

“I wasn’t going to beg someone to be with me if they aren’t ready.”

He sighed at her words. “I am ready.” He said as he walked closer to her. “You just have to understand this is new for me too. You’re the first woman I introduced my kids to. You’re the first woman that I even considered taking this chance with. And--” He took a deep breath, getting enough courage to say the last words. “And you’re the first woman--” He began as he closed to distance between them and grabbed her hands. “That I fell in love with.”

If he wasn’t holding onto her hands, she would have lost her balance. Hearing his words, she felt like she couldn’t breathe, that the wind got knocked out of her. This only happened to her when he broke up with her. But this time it was different, it was better.

After a few seconds of silence, Sylvie couldn’t let that break her down. Even though it was her plan to see Antonio, now that he was here, she couldn’t forget the pain he caused her. “No.” She said, taking her hands away from his. “You can’t do this.” She said, frustrated. “You hurt me. I understand I wasn’t innocent in this, but seeing you walk away from me, it killed me.”

“It killed me too.” Antonio admitted. “I was hurting too, Sylvie. All I was doing the entire time we were broken up was working and boxing. When all I wanted to do was come over here and fix things with you.”

Sylvie could see the pain in his eyes, and she felt guilty because she wasn’t even thinking of his feelings.

“Then fix it.”

“Will you allow me to fix it? I promise for the rest of my life, I will be fixing this mistake. I don’t want us to break up after every little fight we have.”

“We won’t.” She promised. “The first fights are always the hardest.”

“So, are we good?” He questioned.

Sylvie nodded her head as she leaned in and kissed him. Since it has been a few weeks of their break up, it was no surprise that the kissed deepened in no time, both needing to feel each others lips again.

Antonio was the one who pulled away from the kiss and Sylvie sighed. She looked at him confused when he looked down at her dress. “Aren’t you supposed to meet my sister?” He questioned.

“Oh, yeah. About that, I lied.” She said with a smile, forgetting that he thought earlier she had a date.

He pulled away from her abruptly. “So, then where were you headed?” He questioned, his face hardening.

“I rather not say.” She said as she bit down on her lip.

“Sylvie.” He said in a warning tone.

“Antonio, I’m not one of your criminals, you’re trying to interrogate.”

“Sylvie.” He repeated in the same tone.

“I was actually going to your--um apartment.” Sylvie said, embarrassed.

“This is why we belong together!” He said, his face breaking out in a smile.

“Now you think we do.” She said, jokingly.

Antonio stepped closer to her, shaking his head. “I always knew we did. Maybe not when we first met, but that ride on the ambulance, I definitely did.”

Sylvie smiled as she gripped his jacket, pulling him closer to her. “Uh huh.” She said as she inched her face closer to his. “Oh, and I love you too.”

“Do you now?” He questioned as he closed the distance between them, crashing his lips against hers.

Their relationship wasn’t perfect and it never would be, but at least this time they were willing to fight for each other.

#Brettonio #Sylvie Brett #Antonio Dawson #ChicagoFire #myfanfic

[natakova15-blog]

IndieView with A.M.H. Johnson, author of Midnight Over Moores

However, the idea started two or so days before the drive at my mom's birthday party as my sister and I shared stories of our boarding school experiences, and my dad shared stories about being a teenager on the island we vacation at, and my mom commented that “Someone needs to write a book!”

A.M.H. Johnson – 20 September 2018

The Back Flap

Jenna Sheffield is an average girl from Savannah, Georgia. However, this year her life is about to change. She's starting at a new, all-girls boarding school in the middle of high school. She's having to learn how to deal with a roommate who seems more inclined to torture her than be friends. And on top of all that, she learns she has inherited her family's ability to communicate with the dead, when the ghost of Christine Wedge starts to haunt her. All Christine wants is her body to be found, but this mystery is shrouded by 60 years of local legends and feuds. Can Jenna crack this cold-case, or will Christine drive her insane, or worse, kill her chances at getting into a good college?

About the book

What is the book about?

Midnight Over Moores follows Jenna Sheffield, a young girl from Savannah who goes to Maine for boarding school and finds out she can talk to the dead after a prank gone too far. She starts being haunted by a local ghost, Christine Wedge, a victim who disappeared 60 years before, and has become a local legend on Moores Island.

When did you start writing the book?

Officially, I started writing it in early June 2011, coming back from a family vacation up in Maine driving back to Georgia. However, the idea started two or so days before the drive at my mom's birthday party as my sister and I shared stories of our boarding school experiences, and my dad shared stories about being a teenager on the island we vacation at, and my mom commented that “Someone needs to write a book!” I agreed then, but that 23 hour drive a few days later gave me enough time to hammer out the plot details and bounce ideas off my dad, and get the first two chapters written.

How long did it take you to write it?

Three years, but that was due to being in school at the time and not having a solid schedule and crazy homework. The summer I started writing it, I cranked half the book out in a month and a half once I returned to Maine later that Summer. Once I graduated, it took a me a few months to finish it.

Where did you get the idea from?

At my Mom's birthday party, after the whole group had a couple drinks, my dad, my sister and I got to talking about our teenage experiences. My sister and I were talking about going to our boarding school and all the shenanigans we'd get into. My dad, who was surrounded by many of his childhood friends at this party talking about their shared high school summers and all the shenanigans they got into. And by the end of it, we were all laughing so hard we were crying, and my mom said, “Someone needs to write a book!”

Were there any parts of the book where you struggled?

There were many places I struggled, but one of them has a funny story with it. My writing had started to go through an evolution at the time, because I'd started taking Creative Writing classes at my university, and some of the chapters I'd previously written when reread were very very rough. At the time, I was dating the man who would later become my husband, another English/Writing major who had already published a few short stories. I asked him to look at my roughest chapter. When he returned it, he had circled every “smiled” and “nodded” I'd written in, and it was truly too much. I promptly went home and rewrote it, and sent him a message once I did. His response was a gif of Jack Nicholson nodding and smiling like a madman “In memory of my unedited chapter.”

What came easily?

Most of the scenes in Limbo (at least that's what I call it. Purgatory and the Spirit World also works). The drama in those scenes are a lot more palpable, and most of them came out good the first time. And a good portion of the scenes with Jenna and Nate.

Are your characters entirely fictitious or have you borrowed from real world people you know?

They're kind of both. Jenna isn't anyone I know in particular, but some of her experiences are built off of experiences I've had and my family and friends have had, with a twist. Same with all of my characters, except maybe one or two side characters. Although, I did throw a character based off my high school self in. But I've even changed her from being 100% like me.

We all know how important it is for writers to read. Are there any particular authors that have influenced how you write and, if so, how have they influenced you?

J.K. Rowling and John Berendt are obvious influencers as they and their works are mentioned in the book. Rowling because Harry Potter was a big part of my teenage years as well as many of my friends, and everyone going to my boarding school noted striking similarities between our school and Hogwarts. We had four main dorms with the same colors as the houses (Yellow dorm and Green dorm were on the lowest level, Yellow closest to the kitchens. Red dorm and Blue dorm were upstairs, and even had loft dorm rooms, if you think I'm kidding). Even many of our teachers had direct parallels to the Hogwarts professors that many of the students agreed with (Yes, we had a Snape, and he was one of the best English teachers I ever took. We also had an annually changing faculty member, although I'm 98% certain a curse was not involved). The only big difference was Hogwarts was not All-Girls. So, to not even mildly reference it just wouldn't give my high school experience justice.

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil was where I got the idea for my book's title. Doing research on Savannah (I also didn't live far from there at the time), I was told this book was required reading.

I'd also add Richelle Mead, Kelly Creagh, Edgar Allen Poe, and Stephen King (especially later in the series).

Do you have a target reader?

It's a solid Young Adult novel, but it's a book horror buffs and murder mystery readers will enjoy as well. It has modern Paranormal Romance written all over it, however its plot is steeped with Classical Gothic tropes and modern horror and mystery themes. It's a mystery surrounded by ghosts, demons, magic, and young love.

About Writing

Do you have a writing process? If so can you please describe it?

Not really. I always have fun writing, so when I can, I do.

Do you outline? If so, do you do so extensively or just chapter headings and a couple of sentences?

I used to only do a skeletal outline, like 2-3 pages noting the whole plot and background. I still do that now, but I've added preformatting each chapter and adding a chapter summary, so I know what goes where when I've written excerpts, which saves me a lot of time now.

Do you edit as you go or wait until you've finished?

Primarily, I edit as I go. Then once it's done, I do another final edit based on my own notes as well as my beta readers' notes.

Did you hire a professional editor?

I do not, but this is because I have almost 5-years-experience in editing in some capacity. For a year (and even now) I proofread/line-edit for the company I work for, and the last four years I was moved up to Document Specialist, which added formatting/copyediting to my proofreading duties.

That also doesn't mean I'm the only person with editing experience looking at my writing before publication. My husband, who took the same editing courses as I have for our degree, takes a look before it's sent out. My mother, who also had a job proofing/line-editing documents for a company for almost ten years, takes a look as well. Not to mention several others who may not have professional/educated experience like my husband and mom, but who I trust to give me sound advice on readability.

However, I would suggest to most authors to get an editor.

Do you listen to music while you write? If yes, what gets the fingers tapping?

Absolutely. If I'm not listening to music while writing, the music is definitely blaring when I'm conceptualizing each scene, so when I write it down later I've seen the scene over and over and over again.

As for my tastes … they're kind of all over the place. Usually some metal/modern rock is in there as well as classical (Beethoven is great!), pop, hip hop, early 2000's/'90s soft rock, classic rock, and even 2000s emo/punk rock (which was my jam then, not going to lie), to even Disney and Broadway soundtracks. I think the important thing for a song to help me write a scene is the message/emotion of the song has to fit in a place in my writing. So, I listen to different types of songs for different scenes. For example, if I'm writing a bombastic fight scene, 'O Fortuna' or The Hunchback of Notre Dame's 'Sanctuary' are both great. If the scene is more of a mellow internal struggle about love, I'm sifting through my early 2000's soft rock ballads.

About Publishing

Did you submit your work to Agents?

Yes. I can't even remember how many, but after the first several “We're too busy at the moment,” rejections, I started really looking into self-publishing.

What made you decide to go Indie, whether self-publishing or with an indie publisher? Was it a particular event or a gradual process?

It was gradual, but I always had an idea I might go that way anyway. I'm a little too controlling of my book, and how it was supposed to look, cover design, everything. As far as waiting for an agent to pick it up, I'm just not a patient person. Starting out, I figured I could go ahead and self-publish, then be taken on by a major publisher, but I found that doesn't usually happen. So unwittingly, I plunged head first into Indie communities, and the people there gave me invaluable information that led me to want to set up my own indie publisher, which is what Midnight Over Moores is now being published under.

Did you get your book cover professionally done or did you do it yourself?

Yes, for both the old cover when I first self-published and the new. But again, it was because I'm very controlling of how my book is to look. Each design detail I made had a specific reason behind it. I changed from the old cover, because I realized with it being a series the first cover I designed wouldn't work for branding reasons. The second book's cover in no way was going to look like the original cover, which is crucial with series works. So, I redesigned it with the rest of the series covers in mind.

Do you have a marketing plan for the book or are you just winging it?

The first time I published it, I just winged it, which after a month of selling 30 copies I realized was a big no no. I just unleashed it on the world, told my friends and family, some of who bought it and shared it. After a few months of putting those Amazon sales on it, and getting a few reviews, all of which were positive, but not seeing anything in return, I started asking myself, “What am I missing?” One of which was editorial reviews, which is obvious, but at the same time trying to find editorial reviewers that didn't cost an arm and a leg was difficult. Amazon suggests Kirkus, which is too expensive for people paying out of pocket. Eventually I did find some that were budget friendly, and that my book applied for, but by then it was too late.

So, what am I doing different now? I've submitted it to a couple book awards, which so far it's doing pretty well, but it's still early. One of the big things is I've switched my main distributor to Ingram, which opens up a lot more doors. I've submitted for reviews and have already begun using those in my marketing. I've posted about my book on more than just Facebook, since I now have an author twitter, Instagram, Foodreads, Facebook, Linkedin … you name it, I've posted about my book's re-release on there.

Any advice that you would like to give to other newbies considering becoming Indie authors?

Give yourself ample time and budget to market your book. I've learned over the last couple years marketing is an investment that more often than not pays in some way.

Another thing a successful indie author told me was to write and publish as much as you can. It builds your name, which builds your brand.

About You

Where did you grow up?

I'm from all over the East Coast. Born in Newburyport, Mass., mostly grew up in the foothills of the Appalachians in Virginia just outside of DC, and went to school in Pennsylvania in the middle of Amish country. But Acadia National Park in Maine is probably the most constant location in my life.

Where do you live now?

I live just outside of Atlanta, Ga. with my husband, daughter, and two dogs (both rescues).

End of Interview:

For more from Ms Johnson, visit her website, follow her on Twitter and like her Facebook page.

Get your copy of Midnight Over Moores from Amazon US or Amazon UK.

[fesahaawit]

Net Worth Update: $840,243.99 (+$37,000)

Happy Net Worth Day!

As I was updating our numbers this month, it dawned on me that I have now tracked my net worth every single month for 10 years straight now. TEN YEARS!!! That’s 120 net worth reports in a row – crazy!

And in fact, a week from today is actually this blog’s 10 year anniversary too, which is a whole other win for someone who could barely hold down a job for 10 months no less 10 years, haha…

We’ll get to all that next week, but today we celebrate our *Net Worth Anniversary* by going back in time and pulling out the very first report we ever published!

Back when I was a nubile 28 year old with no kids, no wife (I was engaged), no responsibilities outside of our too-big-for-us mortgage, and when I was pretty much doing the bare minimum at my 9-5 while doing the absolute maximum out at the bar scene ;)

Here’s what past J$’s finances looked like a decade ago:

Not too bad, all things considering? Some hefty debts there with the car loan and credit card, but at least there’s some investments that help make up for it! Haha… And I see some pretty creative tracking there as well with the “condo investment” listing (i.e. a loan I gave my brother where I apparently tracked the payments back to me vs just putting them back into savings?) as well as the calculating of “home equity” instead of just listing out the home’s value in one section and the mortgages in the other. (Which I later corrected to better give me a fuller picture of things)

Here’s a clip from that first report too… When my mission was to hit that elusive $100,000 – the hardest milestone of all!

401k: My favorite category of all time :) What’s not to love about company matches, direct deposits, and tax benefits? If all goes as planned, this will be my 3rd year of maxing out my 401k! I have been more than blessed w/ generous company matches, so it would be absolutely asinine not to participate. I expect this category to go up at least $2,375 each month, markets willing.

And it would have been ass-inine of me to not participate in that retirement plan as they were matching 100% of contributions up to the legal limit of $15,500 – all fully vested from day 1! Which meant putting in $15,500 myself, and getting a free $15,500 in return – just like that (!!!). You’ll notice the cash losses at the top of that chart there which were due to me jacking up my contributions to like 90% and living off of less than $100 a pay period until I fully capped out, haha… Who in their right mind *wouldn’t* go after all that free money??

(Answer: 95% of my colleagues, womp womp… No one understood just how insane it was, and by the time they did our company was on the path to imploding and people were scrambling to find new jobs…  (Long-time readers might remember the ordeals back then, from paychecks not clearing to some of us eventually taking our employer to court – all of which I do not miss one bit, ugh… (though I do miss those sweet matches which are non-existent in self-employment! ;) ))

Ten years later we’re still maxing out our retirement accounts too! It’s been the backbone of our entire net worth all these years, and even if that was ALL we ever did we’d still be sitting pretty… That compounding adds up!

But alright, out from the past now and back into reality… Time flies when you’re nerding out!

January’s Net Worth Breakdown:

[As always, these reports are shared to better start discussions around money, and to showcase a *real life* financial snapshot which is so often hidden in this world of ours. It’s the #1 thing that drew ME to money blogs all those years ago, so it’s something I’ve committed to doing myself to further keep the motivation and love of tracking going… So without further adieu, welcome to net worth report #121!]

CASH SAVINGS (+$810.63): Woo – it’s up and not down! Which is a big win, considering it’s one of the only areas you actually have control over when you’re so invested in the stock market, haha… And thank goodness this report only covers January, as Friday was a WHOPPER of a market crash – wow! I haven’t seen numbers like that since the 2008 era – remember pages like these??

SPAVINGS FUND! (+$61.85): Another month, another socking away of spavings! I.e.  “spending savings” where you have to actually spend money in order to save money, haha… Here’s a list of some of my spavings from throughout the month, plus some random money I threw in like found change on the ground or gift cards that I used, thereby saving me from having to spend the money:

$1.00 Panera rewards

$30.15 USAA dividends

$3.00 Starbucks free coffee (a perk of being a regular!)

$1.00 Panera rewards (a regular, who cheats on ’em w/ Panera ;))

$1.70 – bagel made at home instead of usual purchase @ Panera

(The rest of the list literally involves nothing but coffee or bagel-related items, so I’ll spare you from the boredom, haha… And while I initially thought I’d be applying all this money towards an IRA, I’m actually considering using it for something more fun/experimenty like with bitcoin or something? Since it’s all “free” money and I wouldn’t feel as bad losing if it came to that??)

THRIFT SAVINGS PLAN (TSP) (+$1,098.33): Another great bump here, this time courtesy of Mrs. BudgetsAreSexy! Her ol’ retirement contributions and matches are piling up, and though her job is not nearly as secure as it once was w/ all the administration changes, we’ve made it another month and will continue being thankful for each future one granted to us as well… She loves her job, but it’s getting shakier by the day.

ROTH IRAs (+$8,046.57): A nice bump here too, all due to the markets… And again before the major crash on Friday. Thankfully none of it really matters if you’re not touching the money for decades, but for those soon retiring or cashing out it can most definitely sting :( We’ll have to see if this is finally the start of a downturn, or if it’s yet another finicky one-off that we’re so accustomed to seeing.

SEP IRA (+$27,922.77): Same goes with this bad boy too – nothing new added, and is fully dependent on the market! It’ll soon be time for our yearly maxing out though, which will help us reallocate some of those cash reserves we’ve piled up from the sale…

Here’s how our investments have fared since moving everything over to Vanguard (we’re fully in VTSAX – my favorite “lazy” portfolio of choice!):

CAR VALUES (-$646.00): Another usual dip, as tracked through Kelly Blue Book (Kbb.com). Here are the present values of our two cars, which may or may not change come baby #3 ;)

Lexus RX350: $9,801.00

Toyota Corolla: $3,130.00

CAR LOAN: (+$0.00): I know this doesn’t belong here anymore now that we fully paid it off (woo!) but I can’t help staring at it so I’m leaving it in for one last month before taking it down, haha… It’s the little things in life!

And that’s January!

Here’s how the past 12 months have gone for a more broader picture:

And here’s how our kids’ net worths are faring… Mainly just some changes in market prices:

Now a *LIFE* update!

A lot of you liked this part from last month where we balance out all the $$$ talk with more of the stuff that actually matters (i.e. living!), so we’ll go another round here and see how it goes :)

Baby news: Super healthy and growing!! We had a scare last week and had to head over to the hospital for 24 hours to be monitored, but fortunately the problem was mommy-related and not baby-related, although of course it still sucked for the mommy, haha…. (she’s all better now though!)

More baby news: it comes out in THREE MONTHS – ACK!!!! I’m ready but also NOT ready at all, haha… it’s always been so far away and now he/she is almost here!

Speaking of he/she news: I finally caved and found out what “it” is :) My wife did not enjoy the fact she had to keep hiding it anymore, so in an attempt to be a good husband I welcomed the news and now the cat is out of the bag… Though I’m thinking I may just put it *back into the bag* as far as this blog here goes, and try to milk the fun secret even longer, haha… You guys wouldn’t hate me too much for not spilling the beans, right?

In Time/Work news: I’m officially use to my new schedule now since selling Rockstar, and it’s loaded with about 80% of awesomeness and 20% of unease, wondering how best to use my free time :) I thought I’d be able to just “be” and relax for a third of the work day, but I keep catching myself getting antsy whenever I’m not doing something productive, so it seems I still have a ways to go on that whole work/life balance front (probably due to years of over-hustling!). Of course, the whole problem goes away in three months when the baby boy girl (ack – almost slipped on that one) comes out, so for now I should probably just keep my mouth shut and try to appreciate it as much as I can… I will say I’m loving hitting inbox zero every day now instead of every year, so that’s something! I also created an “art center” for my kids in the middle of the work day when I was tired of seeing their supplies scattered in 13 different places, so I am finding ways to cope :)

Book deal – I’ve also been contacted a couple of times this month for a book deal! I’m not quite sure I’m ready to take on *that* level of project as yet, but it is always fun to think about… I might be reaching out to some of y’all later if I decide to move forward in hopes of getting connected to a good agent out there, but for now it’s sitting on the “make sure you REALLY want to do this!” pile before taking any next moves, haha… I want to stay productive, but that’s a whole other beast!

The updating of jmoney.biz… I’ve also been spending more time updating and creating some new pages on my resume site to finally get everything into one main spot, not unlike my kids’ art supplies. I now have an updated press page, a projects page, a failures page which y’all are already familiar with, and then lastly an updated consulting page as I’m starting to pick up more of that stuff too. It’s amazing how you can condense a decade worth of work into just a handful of bullet points! It’s a fun exercise to try if you’ve never done it before :)

A charity idea? Lastly, I’m batting around a pretty wild philanthropy idea that I think can be SUPER helpful for a best friend of mine, but I’m anxious to put it into action because it’s a much longer (and crazier) play than I’m used to… But it IS fun and CAN do some loads of good for him, so maybe I just pull the trigger and put it out there to the world? Where I’ll either be laughed out of the room, or called a super genius? Haha…

And that’s a wrap! Money + LIFE… Two of the best things!

Let us know what’s good in your life lately, and of course if you have any questions whatsoever with these updates, just pass them on over as you know I’m an open book.

I don’t have the answers to everything, but I DO know that tracking your money is one of the best things you can ever do for yourself, and I’m so glad I started those fateful years ago…  If you’re new to the site or $$$ management in general, I’ve listed a few of my favorite tools for tracking net worth below.

Here’s to a great new month, and making each day count!

********** PS: Here are a couple of spreadsheets to help track your money and/or net worth if you’re looking to get started (and love manually tracking it as I do :)):

The “Budget/Net Worth” spreadsheet – the colorful Excel template I personally use.

The “Money Snapshot” spreadsheet – a simple Excel template I created for my former $$$ clients

If you’re not a spreadsheet guy like me and prefer something more automated, you can try your hand at Mint.com, or it’s super-competitor Personal Capital (both of which are free). Tons of financial bloggers love and rave about PC, and you can find our full review of them here from one of my early-retired millionaire friends: Why I Use Personal Capital Almost Every Single Day. Hope this helps!!

Net Worth Update: $840,243.99 (+$37,000) posted first on http://lionelcapital.blogspot.com