#It feels wrong to call it that cuz everyone else here has been thru what I would call trauma

[your-stoat-stands-unopposed]

I'm enby and feeling really shitty cuz of dumb menstrual stuff, do you think you could do like, P03 comforting reader thru dysphoria and maybe him relating to it cuz of G0lly trans things and just general cuteness

This... is... almost frighteningly relevant to me at the moment because I am also an enby going through dysphoria because of menstruation right now, so absolutely I can do this!

Strength.

Pairing: None.

Warnings: Gender dysphoria, mentions of a character having their period. Reader is afab and trans (can be read as nonbinary or trans male.)

Summary: "But you do realise... everything you just said to me... that all applies to you, too."

There's a clawlike metal hand waving slowly side to side in front of your face, and that's what it takes to make you realise you'd zoned out. Blinking your eyes, bringing yourself back to reality, you clear your throat and straighten your back and try to act as though there's nothing wrong.

In front of you, P03 tilts his monitor quizzically, drawing his hand away from you. "What's up?" he asks, sounding partly curious and partly concerned. "Didn't want to say anything while everyone else was around, but you've been staring into space for like a minute solid."

"Ah, n-nothing." You fold your arms as an excuse to rest your hands near your cramping stomach, hoping the slight grimace on your face isn't noticeable. "I'm... fine."

The bot leans just that little bit closer to you, enough to make you go a little cross-eyed as you watch. "Your eyes are red," he observes, moving back once more. "You were crying about something."

Now you're grimacing for a different reason... damn it, why does he have to be so perceptive...?

"I'm just, ah, going through it," you shrug a shoulder, sniffling once, hoping it seemed natural. "Everything kind of hurts, is all."

His monitor displays an ellipsis for a moment, as he seems to be in thought. "As in physical hurt, or emotional hurt?"

"...Both."

You try to keep it together, but it's difficult. Had you been around anyone you were less close to, you would've tried harder to mask how you were feeling; but, well... P03 has become a close friend ever since you'd arrived here, so it's a little harder to keep yourself from wanting to share your true feelings.

So, you do.

"...Every month," you begin carefully, eyes flickering down to the ground, "I go through this... thing. This physical thing. And it feels... wrong." Tears touch your eyes once more, and you squeeze your eyes shut, your hand resting over them. "It makes me think about... a lot of things that are wrong. Inside. Outside. All of it."

There's a short moment of silence, before you feel the pleasant coolness of his arm wrapping around you, and you're lightly tugged to lean against the robot's body at your side, your head resting on his shoulder.

"If you're comfortable with it... you can tell me more," he says softly. "But only if you are."

"I just-- don't like it," you murmur, sniffling again. "It reminds me that... that I'm who I am, but some things are... well, wrong."

His arm slightly tightens around you, his hand slowly trailing up and down against your forearm. "I'm sorry, challenger," he says; and he sounds so... genuine. "What you're going through isn't easy. I've been there."

...You gaze up at him, your eyes unknowingly widened, your head tilting curiously.

A soft, synthesised chuckle escapes him at your reaction, his hand wandering upwards to idly play with your hair. "It's cool, I don't mind talking about it," he answers the question you didn't dare to actually ask. "So... A very long time ago, people used to call me by another name. And when I went by that other name, people thought I was a girl."

Your eyes widen further. You hadn't known...

"But things changed, and I changed, and I became confident enough to let 'em know that actually no, I'm not a girl. And I changed my name, and that's been how it is for a long time now." A slight shrug of his shoulder. "That's it."

"'That's it?'" you repeat, surprised. "P03, it takes so much strength to be able to do what you did... I'm so proud of you," your arms shift to wrap around him, and now you're the one doing the cuddling rather than being cuddled. "And I'm so grateful that you'd tell me... Thank you, really."

"Thank you too..." His laughter sounds from where his monitor now rests against your shoulder. "Wow. This is what it's like to have someone who's proud of you, huh? Feels... nice." On his display, his eyes turn up to face you.

"But you do realise... everything you just said to me... that all applies to you, too."

His hand moves to gently take a hold of your own.

"Listen. I know it's hard, feeling like everything's all wrong... being called the wrong name, being referred to as the wrong things... In fact, it's worse than hard; it's damn awful."

You nod. It... it is. It really, really is.

"But you're strong," his hand squeezes lightly around yours. "And even when things feel wrong... even if things never feel entirely right... as long as you don't lose sight of who you are, that strength is gonna get you through. I promise."

Your free hand rests lightly over your mouth, your heart warm, your lips curving in a soft smile. "Thank you," you barely manage the words out.

"Nah. I didn't do anything," P03 slides out of your embrace, returning your smile, gently brushing stray tears from your cheeks. "I only reminded you of what you've already got in you."

You raise a hand to rest gently over his own, drawing in a cleansing breath and releasing it slowly as you hold his hand to your cheek.

And even though it still hurts... you have faith in your friend, and you have faith in yourself.

And you know it's true: come what may, right or wrong... you're strong enough to get through.

#inscryption #inscryption p03 #p03 #answered asks #the idiot gamer writes #tw dysphoria #tw gender dysphoria #tw periods

[stingroy]

Who do you think was the mist immoral character of Moral Orel Clay or Censordoll? Do you think there were evil characters in the show or were they just flawed people trying to do what they perceived as the right thing?

THIS POST IS LONG BEWARE

im bias but clay all the way

if ms censordoll was a real person i would despise her, but in the show shes really fun and interesting to watch imo! of course i dont condone book burning and censorship i just think shes a good character to critique and make fun censorship with, plus i love her voice whoever her voice actor is did a great job. to be honest i havent rewatched the episodes where shes a main focal point in a long while so i need to refresh my memory before id be able to really form a strong opinion on her that i would stand by firmly

clay is an abusive addict with no interest in anyone else but himself, he has no agenda other than to get drunk and be miserable. i mean maybe he’s “invested” in teaching orel because he’s his only (legitamate) son but then... nature still happened. clay often talks about how hes distant from his family on purpose and doesnt care about them so i dont think he really gives that much of a shit all in all. i know he had a difficult childhood (yet another episode i need to rewatch (its been years), im on s2e3 so i still have a ways) but it doesnt justify like anything he does. cool motive still murder yknow? clay reminds me a lot of my religious alcoholic estranged father so i DEFINITELY have a personal bone to pick with clay cuz ive been there.

when it comes to whether the townspeople are evil, i feel like that question really lies at the heart of the show, not just for clay and censordoll but almost everyone in moralton (cept for orel of course). i could go into that concept for the next seventeen years so i wont right now but i think between the both of them at least censordoll probably thought she was doing the right thing for the people in her town. not that anything she did was actually right, but organizing all those daily pickets and book burnings must take some effort, right? someone who didnt care at all wouldnt go through the trouble. she seems to like genuinely care about moralton being righteous, even if her idea of righteous media is completely skewed and wrong. i wouldnt call that evil, horribly misguided and incorrect definitely but evil? im not really sure.

again tho its been a while so my opinion might change as i run thru s2 and 3 again, and im really starting to consider that if censordoll was a real person i probably would consider her to be evil but that might be more of a comment on my thought processes and perception of people than censordoll herself... lol

i dont know if clay even thinks he’s doing the right thing by orel truly. i think somewhere deep inside past his addiction there is someone in there trying to do something for orel, trying to keep him on the right path in a weird and terribly unfortunate way. clay has made it clear through his actions that he will not engage with parts of his family that he doesnt care about (cough bloberta and shapey cough), and he seems to always make time for orel. whenever orel needs to talk to him, clay is around to give his lessons and “guidance”. maybe thats just because his lessons are a crucial part of the show, but i think that shows. some effort? some acknowledgement? that he doesnt show to anything else other than drinking.

unfortunately clay is a sick motherfucker. he’s so rooted in his own trauma and addiction that he cant see anything other than his own pain. and i do absolutely sympathize with that, ive dealt with my own traumas and addictions and you lose sight of who you are and what you value. sometimes people can get to the point where they lose everything they love other than the bottle, and then they die and lose that too. its a disease, and its absolutely not someones fault that they have an alcohol problem.

but clay gives into himself. he makes no effort to change his situation, bloberta even brings this up in s1ep10 when theyre arguing about shapey’s breastfeeding. she tells him to quit his stinkin dead end job and stop being such a crybaby and you know what shes mean af but shes right! all clay does is wallow around and drink because hes miserable and stays miserable because he drinks. he numbs everything out instead of changing his life for... convenience? image? fear? probably a combo

my real problem with clay is that he hurts people because he is hurt. thats where my sympathy dies and i no longer really care about his motivations and trauma. i think nature is the clearest example of that, but clay hurts orel throughout the show. like damn he literally beats the kid with a belt in 90% of the episodes. its just not justifiable to me at all.

i will say one more thing that clay does that i think really says something about him. everytime orel does something wrong, clay takes him to his study, beats/spanks him with the belt (we never see it so who knows how severe it is), and then talks to orel. and orel LISTENS. ALWAYS. clay doesnt have to beat orel to punish him, orel has such a strong sense of loyalty and obiedience that his true punishment is his fathers disappointment. orel always listens to what clay says without question, and clay still finds it nessecary to beat him. it makes me think that clay gets something else out of that interaction like vindication, stress relief, or something of that nature. its cruel, and its selfish. its like beating a dog. you dont have to do it to make him listen to you, so why do it? probably for a reason other than discipline.

clay and censordoll are obvs the two people we’re talking about but a lot of people in moralton do bad things for the sake of righteousness and goodness. like i said a bit earlier i really do think that question is The Big Question of the show, and i feel like many people will have varying opinions based on their own morals and life experiences. the intricate motivations and values of each of the characters in moral orel is one of the things that makes the show so great and so interesting that here i am writing a long winded “analysis” on it on tumblr a decade after it was released.

WOW i completely derailed myself and started rambling for seven hours but!!!

tl;dr clay is a bitch and the people of moralton arent inherently evil monsters but i sure do have my problems with them

#THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS QUESTION #i think i really needed to Talk. About Clay. #I Could Go On. about almost every character in that show but obvs wont atm because this is already les miserables level of length #but im sure ill get there eventually if my diatribes arent too annoying to yall #moral orel #anon #abuse #alcoholism #long post

[choco-style]

lately I’ve found myself mind yelling “shut the fuck up” more than usual and I don’t know who to talk to because there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it, I just have to wait to go to school and feel better, which is crazy because the general opinion on school is “god I hate it I just wanna go home” and that’s what I used to think too when I was in my awful 5-8 grade class

and it’s not just real life people I want to shut up, I feel like I’m getting more defensive and my favourite creators are getting called all kinds of things by people who claim to have the higher moral ground (or whatever you call it), when they themselves wish terrible things upon people who have either done nothing wrong, or who have apologized for everything they did wrong. and it’s 99% on tumblr. now I understand why no one fucking likes this site.

and I’m back again in this state where “I wanna go home” doesn’t at all refer to the actual apartment, but to a mentally happy place. and it sounds edgy when your brain says I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home please shut the fuck up

this isn’t even that bad and it’s nothing serious and I don’t know how I feel about all this I just needed to let it out and tumblr is where I can write longass “diary entries” and very few people who I care about will read them, and if someone has a problem with them I don’t give a single shit about their feelings and I hope they get the help they need to not turn into a shitty person or worse.

ive also been kinda mean??like not quite but kinda??? i dont know i just feel like i peaked and now im just kinda there. but im not even in the neutral empty doorway kind of state, its like now im in the room but idk what i wanna do and i need to pee but theres no toilet and im just there. like how dreams feel sometimes,,,,, idk aaagh

during the first 5 days of the week i look forward to the weekend because that keeps me happy and good and nice but then the weekend is the worst part of every week and i look forward to going to school, and now i wont even have this escape because this is the last week were going to school this decade and i have to breathe the same air and hear the same sounds as my family and i dont want to, i wanna go to school and be distracted and plan out my evenings and mornings when im basically alone. or something. i dont know what im talking about. i just dont want winter break. i dont wanna talk to my family when theyre all together. whenever theres even two people from my family in the same room i feel like i want to cry and i end up wishing id made plans or something, anything just to be somewhere else. 

youtube videos arent working anymore. or they are, but not really. i can block out the sound partially but i can still hear other people. and i think its normal but also fucked up. “what is?” well thanks for asking, me in “ “s, having these people argue so much is common but fucked up, having to stop whatever ur doing just to check whether or not a family member is crying, only to find out theyre laughing, is fucked up but maybe common. wanting to be home alone is common and not fucked up i think. going into a mental crisis because youre in this eternal circle of being sad - amplifying it because ur an attention whore - realising ur an attention whore - instead of stopping, u amplify THIS to feel absolutely terrible except not really because its not real or is it - now ur making urself look like the victim of realising ur not the victim. jesus fucking christ u stop thinking about it and it happens again a while later. just shut the fuck up, me. shut the fuck up. make my brain shut the fuck up,  i would literally probably cry happy tears if someone could make me shut the fuck up forever. or maybe i wouldnt but right now i feel like im gonna cry thinking about it. or its just placebo. or not placebo, the negative one. or idk. maybe i was right the first time i dont know. and now my back hurts cuz im like a little bug or whatever im just writing like. reversed arched. i dont know how to explain it lmao. i dont wanna read this thiing ever again but i most likely will! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! be happy lol u knwo the meme thats like cmon work. idk what it was but the reference is in my brain and i feel like i could use it. and now i sound weird. well not weird im just going thru the thing i explained earlier in this thing. but i wont write abt it im just gonna not think about it bc that seems to work really well. felt the need to add ^^ as if im talking to someone or maybe making my thoughts talk to me rn like how i would talk to someone irl lmao.theyve actually been silent for a while so idk.

id title this “if im being honest” to like show im trying to get my rthoughts out with no real filtering but aaah idk. i dont wanna do it bc the title would be like. bigger and semibold and itd draw attention to  it. i want this to not be read by people but maybe someone will. i have like 2 or 3 people in mind who would maybe maybe maybe read this but i dont know. its really not anything so you shouldnt read it. maybe someone could skim this. is that how you say it. also there is some filtering of my thoughts because i dont wanna name anyone im not looking for trouble i just wanna talk into the void and feel better and maybe this is really it. i do feel kind of relaxed now. my uhhh wrists, yeah thats what theyre fcalled, they kinda hurt and my fingers dont hurt but like, the joints are very,,,accentuated? but not like visually they just. i can conciously feel them? and my throat and kinda eyes? thats bc of almost kinda crying but lol idk. and like ive always hated accentuated feelings and i read this thing on wikipedia about sensory overload and idk if its a normal thing that happens like when something stings or hurts or if its a symptom of something or i dont know but ive always kinda joked about it and its also related to tics. ticks? ticks. tics. and its not really what im feeling rn but its a thing that happens sometimes. kind of. but like when u walk up the stairs and u feel ur right leg has been doing/making more effort pushing u up than ur left leg and u try to balance out the effort and it can be hurtful i guess bc if something like an eye or arm hurts u try to balance out the pain and that can be bad dont do that but like i can do it bc i wont do it in bad scenarios. i went off track lololol sorry

this is kind of what my mind speeches and discourses look like so yeah i hope this goes unnoticed or someone notices it and i can just say nah dude im good trust me because i am i think and u should maybe probably trust me bc usually i have it better than everyone i talk to online or in real life so its fine if u trust me because its nothing to worry about really. ur precious and u desrrve more attention than whatever this thingy is. take care of yourself. the only thing ur allowed to think about this post if u read it (or not but like sure), according to my selfish brain, is that oh wow its cool that u tried mimicking (??) ur thoufhts and id be lioke yeah haha i dont even know whats wriitten in here anymroe im cool like that hahahhahahhhhhhhahha hehe hoho hihi you know. so dont feel anything else than indifference and maybe admiration. i wouldnt say the former if this were something i put thought into but it isnt so enjoy! honesty. kinda.

[maserati-yokota]

AJW We Are Running Thru Korakuen Hall 5/26/91 Commercial Tape

This one has links! So you know I'm not making this shit up!

Suzuka Minami & Takako Inoue & Cynthia Moreno vs. Bison Kimura & Mika Takahashi & Miori Kamiya part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mb9L6-ybHoc part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7Ok-L8g3Jc Kamiya gets to work tossing Suzuka around before getting piledriven into pudding. Moreno tags in and man it's a shame she was perpetually disrespected by this company. Moreno was a treasure, you rubes. Bison is in full beast mode and she doesn't even have the leopard-print yet! Takako is young and gets stretched a lot. Whatever happened to Kamiya you say? She's Cooga, ya dingus; the dullest part of any late-90s card. Takahashi gets tagged in, puts Takako in an upside down double-underhook STFU WITH A BRIDGE and goes back to her corner so Bison can dropkick some more. The 70s Miles Davis solo of tag-ins. Incredible. Suzuka does a gorgeous vertical suplex to signal to all of us watching that though this is a heatless spotfest, the spots are in season. So dig in. Suzuka's dropkicks are so snappy it's a wonder she didn't get CTE from them. Kamiya must've just been spent by the Cooga era because she busts out tons of fun stuff here. Youth is young on the wasted. Bison, sensing the lack of Classic Tag Match Heat, throws Moreno into the bleachers. Good on her. Takako wants revenge but eats a Bison Chop. This is an interesting era for a spotfest--ie the pre-CTE era--despite it still being built off of the video-gamey idea of "strong attacks wear down more HP". Everybody busts out the weirdest shit they can come up with in the hope something--anything--will do it. But I shouldn't complain much. This is heavy on action, light on pointless near-falls, the screwups are minor, and there are some really fun and odd spots I haven't seen before. And Kaoru Ito is there to moisturize the losers!

Toshiyo Yamada vs. Yumiko Hotta part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfHqj7TdoTY part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtYiI8pb5hQ Q: And kicks?

A: And kicks.

Yamada is as spry and bland as ever and Hotta is still pretending she isn't a violence pervert. But the crowd knows The Truth so Hotta gets 1000000 streamers. Yamada, mad at her comparative lack of streamers, comes out swinging, only to get swung. Hotta brings the UWF realism but Yamada is convinced the puroresu will WIN. One thing they can both agree on is KICKS. The first notable one busts Yamada's nose and we are off to the races--which is to say, we are witnessing the suffering of women who work for men and therefore are never encouraged to have healthily competitive relationships with their peers. Healthy competition comes from camaraderie and a sense of community. Bull Nakano spoke in interviews about how brutalized and casually despised she was by the other wrestlers when she started. The Crush Gals  fucking hate each other irl. Aja Kong was made into a monster heel literally because she was biracial. These things and this match dynamic (hardway blood in basically a TV taping) are all symptoms of the same disorder: misogyny and the market sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Yeah, there's a ton of great work and powerful drama in this era, but how much of it was the inadvertent by-product of an unhealthy working environment? We'll never really know, since there was practically no other game in town--and what game there was (LLPW and JWP) was so consumed by the battle for market dominance, they could only mimic this model. AJW begat Rossy Ogawa which begat Arsion’s weirdly disjointed breed of misogyny which begat Stardom. “Send the girls out there and make them murder each other for the love of the fans! And fuck it! They're somehow also responsible for shilling all their merch, too, just to survive! And they’re little a nude sometimes! As a treat!” This match is pretty fun, don't get me wrong. But it's sometimes hard to distinguish a legitimately competitive match from all of what I just described. Did Hotta bust Yamada's nose cuz she was pissed about jobbing and there was no other outlet in the context of the company to properly express that frustration? Was that frustration even really directed at Yamada? Or was this more of a "Yoshiko shoot"-type situation, in which a wrestler makes a public display of frustration? Hotta turns the shoot into a work for good measure by attacking Yamada post-match. 1991 was 4000 years ago.

Aja Kong vs. Manami Toyota part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NI746sByB-g part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnKy0Kp5_MU part 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gdv67lFa5M Two of the most compelling figures this era produced--both of whom took the weird and bigoted roles they were given and turned them into powerful characters that transcended that small-mindedness. Aja set out to be a fan favorite despite the booking and it fucking worked. Manami didn't want to just be a pretty baby-face; she wanted depth and conflict. She also trained Tsukasa Fujimoto and Tsukushi, who carry on her legacy of being weirdos with pin-straight hair who love punishment. Aja still sells at this point and Manami is such a string-bean it looks like her boots are weighing her down. Apart from that contextual novelty, this is pretty classic Kong/Toyota. Toyota gets tied in more knots than those catalogued in Moby Dick; eats every kick ever and even takes a headbutt to the lower back. But contrary to their later body of work, Toyota's hope spots don't pop the crowd as much since they're not yet sure she's capbable of fighting from underneath. They like it when she fires up, but they don't yet believe in it. In defense of Aja and Toyota, their work is just as compelling as in 93, 94 or 95, the bookers just didn't believe it yet. It would take the hair vs hair match and Aja's teary performance at the end of Big Egg to convince them of what everyone else on earth already knew. It's as thankless to be out-of-step with the times as it is to be ahead of the times. If you haven't seen this and you're familiar with their higher profile matches, you should. It's more than just a curiosity or a template for later and "greater" things; it's a sign they already knew who they were and how prepared they were to transcend management's expectations. Wild finish and a moving post-match moment, too.

Akira Hokuto & Sakie Hasegawa vs. Bull Nakano & Bat Yoshinaga (2/3 Falls Match) part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=En6sdmXeMAY part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQ2crxtgZhY Hokuto's legacy is equally massive but differently complex. Hokuto was never really given an explicit role other than asshole. An early injury earned her a reputation with fans as a wrestler who refused to lie down--despite the fact that breaking her neck and refusing to abandon the match was probably due more to how toxic the work environment was in AJW. Can't blame her, or really anybody under these circumstances. Christ, they all started training when they were barely teenagers; what other reality did they know? But because she was picked by the fans long before management knew what to do with her, she had a far different arc. In the ring, she worked from underneath, but as an asshole. Imagine if Muta was somehow Cactus Jack: a being who existed outside the bounds of normal human morality but also took such a colossal beating it made you feel bad for them. Only a tremendously charismatic, well-drawn performance could carry that off. Hokuto is so hard-headed in every sense it's impossible not to root for her; she refuses to know her own limits and, subsequently, refuses to acknowledge the limits of any of her opponents. Anyhow, AJW was hoping Bat Yoshinaga would be Lil Bull, even though that never panned out. Sakie is comically timid in the pre-match promo and Hokuto seems doubtful but down to clown as usual. Bull comes out in a feathery gown only to reveal a tattered tie-dyed Grateful Dead shirt to let everyone know she a) likes to party and b) is ready for a call from Vince whenevs. Hokuto is fully on her Maeda shit: aloof yet nervy. She's still in her Marine Wolves colors, too. A woman without a country. Sakie looks literally terrified about what she knows is coming. Ten seconds after the bell, Bull clotheslines them both and powerbombs Sakie for the first fall. THAT'S how Bull do. Hokuto is having none of it and top-rope dropkicks Bat's clavicle into a billion pieces for the second fall. THAT'S how Hokuto do. Now it's Bull vs Hokuto, what the crowd was thirsty for. Hokuto gets thrown over the ropes onto the bare floor but rallies and comes back with a suplex and the same dropkick she gave Bat--proving her contempt for Bull. Double underhook driver for good measure, but Bull gonna Bull. Sakie gets a huge pop on the hot tag despite being the obvious Kikuchi in this setting. Bat kicks and stretches Sakie back into her place. In some ways its hard to tell if Sakie's time in AJW is compelling because she is obviously better than how she was booked or compelling on its own merits--and due to her repeated injuries and transition to trainer we'll never know. But either way, Sakie whips. Hokuto helps her get some good licks in on Bull to drive home that despite her crankiness she believes in this young upstart after all. Sakie capitalizes on this heat by delivering a gorgeous flying headbutt to Bat, following by a pair of god-tier heel-kicks. The crowd is SHRIEKING. Bull senses Bat is gonna whiff it, so bum-rushes Sakie to get Hokuto to tag in. Hokuto is rewarded with a German suplex to the base of her skull and a double-team. A few dozen harrowing exchanges later, Hokuto is back on top and Sakie is ready to die for her. Unfortunately, the moment Bull comes off the top rope with a legdrop, we all know the credits gonna roll. Bull leads the crowd in chanting "Bat-o, Bat-o, Bat-o" and it's a shame that never got legs. Bull feels bad about how things ended, so gives them another chance at a fall. Sakie and Bat slap each other instead of kissing.

Weird but fun card full of all your faves before their prime. Have at it!

Wait . Hang on. Plum Mariko vs Chigusa Nagayo (JWP, 2/11/94) is tacked onto this tape! Fuck YES. Lorefice: the beef been squashed. THANK YOU. (jk jk you're still a bigot)

Watch it here, with glorious pre-match training footage cut from the commercial tape: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQLWwEHP4FQ Plum comes out HOT and bloodies Chigusa early. Never seen Plum this vampiric and fired tf up. Chigusa is having none of it and Hulks out because she's deeply cynical about joshi audiences at this point in her career. She also doesn't mind getting blood in her eyes because, of course, she is still Chigusa Nagayo~! (*DVDVR shout-out interrobang) I've talked a ton already about how much Plum rules and how wistful I get seeing any of her matches. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable saying "the business killed her" so instead I'll say "the business let her die." (The business has let many die but few so blatantly.) Chigusa has yet to enter her dom stage so instead inhabits a kind of quasi-Dynamite Kansai persona appropriate to JWP. She kicks less often but smushes necks just the same. She also is 1000x better on the mat. The announcer mentions, in English (?!) this is a full house at Koruken Hall. Chigusa hits pause to talk shit and Plum is OUTRAGED. Chigusa is also rocking a tan that says "yeah, I took some time off to chill tf out, what of it?" Plum thinks she can restart the match with a respectable test of strength (this is Chigusa, she of fightingo-spiritu, after all) only to get immediately clowned by The New Chigusa. The Post-Crush Gal. Plum says "oh fuck that" and throws on the Stretch Plum and DDTs Chigusa thru the earth's mantle. Chigusa is takes a breather outside then demands Plum give her enough room to get back in the ring, thus going full southern heel. Plum caaaan't quiiiite sink in the Stretch so does a quick German for good measure. Chigusa fights from beneath but gets shut down QUICK. Weird that this legitimately feels like anyone's game, given Chigusa's legendary status. Chigusa sets the record straight by soccer kicking Plum's head into the Mir space station (topical). The crowd now hates her. Plum squishes her back to the mat where she feels safe and torques Chigusa's legs until she looks like Brian Yuzna's seminal critique of capitalism, Society. Despite the contortions, Chigusa chinlocks her way to a victory we all kinda knew was coming.

#joshi #joshi puroresu #all japan womens #ajw #1991 #jwp #toshio yamada #aja kong #manami toyota #akira hokuto #plum mariko #chigusa nagayo #vhs #wrestling tapes #sakie hasegawa

[anastasiaskarsgard]

X Marks the spot

Part 3

Brooke POV

Midsummer

Selling a house was so much more work than it seemed. Mark was a godsend. I don’t know what I would of done without him. I knew I had to keep my guard up tho.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s an absolute gentleman. Always respectful. Never tries anything. I wasn’t cautious of him because how he treated me, it was because the way people reacted to him.

Every time we ran to the hardware store, or grabbed a bite to eat, he knew everyone. I understand when you live in a smaller town it’s like that, however, it was either almost hero worship reaction... or hate.

And if it was a female, they were clearly not impressed with me.

But I knew that with a guy that all the girls like, and all the guys worship was dangerous. It was tough, cuz he was so gorgeous and tall, and oh my god, how his muscles look when he was working in the yard.... the man was delicious.

Plus, his creativity with his work. He added this cute cobblestone path and an adorable bridge that gave the yard an almost fairy tale feel. He built a few planters and moved some trees and flowers around and it was wild how different the house looked. It was so welcoming. You’d never guess it had the history it did.

I assumed they’d cleaned up all the blood after that terrible night. I thought they would of gotten rid of the bloody carpets and shower curtain. The toothpaste tubes and the bath toys. My little nieces nightgown and her slippers.

Nope. It was all still there, covered in blood. I wasn’t sure if it was my sisters blood or Nicks’ blood,but when I went up those stairs, I crumpled to the ground, and I couldn’t breathe. I had never had a panic attack in my life, but I knew that’s what had happened. I don’t know what I would of done, if Mark hadn’t been there to sweep me up, and take me downstairs.

I don’t even know if he realized I blacked out a moment. I just remember waking up to his worried face, and thinking; ‘He is so beautiful’. For a moment, that’s all there was, his face.

Then it all came crashing back down on me, and I needed to be held. And he did. He didn’t object when I straddled him. Who does that to a guy they just met?

It surprised me when I snapped out of it, and realized how intimately i was holding him. I didn’t feel any signs that he was aroused, and was slightly taken aback. What 20 year old has that kind of self control? Not to toot my own horn, but I’m not ugly, and he’s a guy.

(Flashback)

“Brooke? Baby?” Mark asked me as I straddled him, and nuzzled into his neck.

“Baby?” I asked incredulously, pulling back to look at his face.

He was blushing. He’s so fucking adorable.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t call you baby. You’re not a baby, you’re obviously a grown woman. And I’m a man, so calling you baby.... where the fuck was I going with this?” He looked like he might cry.

I wanted to kiss him so bad. We sat there, just staring at each other for several minutes. Finally I got off of him, but I can’t forget the look in his eyes when I did.

He looked lost.

(End flashback)

After that, he’d made me a list of things to go pick up while he single-handed cleaned everything upstairs and got rid of all the bloody stuff.

Fast forward to now; He showed up everyday for a few hours for the past month. Even after the yard was done, he saw it through to the end.

now the house was finally ready to be listed. I should be excited, but I’m terrified. I’ve grown to enjoy Marks company, and now today was our last lunch. There wasn’t anymore reason to see each other after today.

I nervously looked for his truck. What if he didn’t show up? he was 5 minutes late and he was never late. I ordered another drink and decided to wait a bit longer. I got to chatting with the bartender, and when I told her who I’m waiting for, she bought me a shot.

Some girls that were also at the bar knew Mark too, and they bought me a shot as well. And then I bought them shots, and then we decided fuck yes kareoke! Who cares if it was Applebee’s. We. Were. Smashed.

I didn’t care though, because I thought I’d been stood up, so I was on the mic serenading these bitches, when guess who finally walked in?

“Motherfucking Mark is here ladies! 43 minutes late!” I said into the mic so everyone could hear. Did I mention this was At Applebee’s?

Mark turned red and rushed over to me. “Brooke what are you doing?” He asked quietly, pushing the microphone down.

“Oh no no don’t touch my microphone Mark!” I sang into the mic. I looked around, and everyone was staring.

“Brooke you’re drunk at Applebee’s in the middle of the day.” He gritted thru his teeth, trying to block everyone else out.

“I don’t like your judgey tone Marky Mark! Not. one. bit.” I walked over to my new friends that were trying to avoid eye contact for some reason. “You see these glorious bitches right here? They know what a dick you are and they bought me drinks! And I bought them drinks! And then we drank more drinks and they told me all about you buddy!” I handed the mic back to Ashley or maybe Em, fuck if I know.

“Sarah. Ashley. Em.” Mark smiled at the girls and they all started giggling like idiots.

This was not the reaction I was expecting, so I stumbled back dramatically. “Wow wow wow!” I said nearly falling, but Mark caught me. “Hands! Pretty boy!” I yelled as I slapped him in the chest.

Mark rolled his eyes at me. “I think we need to go.”

“Wait wait.” The one named Sarah jumped up and wrapped her arms around Mark. “I’m drunk too.”

“What’s new?” Mark said venomously.

“HOLD THE PHONE” I yelled way louder than I’d planned. “You’re Sarah? Stalker Sarah? You cannot be that Sarah!”

“Excuse me bitch what did you just call me.” Sarah turned around to come at me but Mark grabbed her shoulders.

“BROOKE GO GET IN MY TRUCK NOW!” Mark ordered.

“You don’t have to yell. Jesus Mark.” I slurred. “Can I get a to go cup?”

“BROOKE. Now!”

“Fine!” I said as I grabbed my purse and marched outside.

The sunlight, combined with the fresh air made me realize I was really fucking drunk. I really shouldnt drive in this condition I thought and then couldn’t recall why I even came out here. I decided to go back in.

When I turned I saw Mark headed straight for me. He looked pissed. He also looked sexy. I bit my lip as he came closer. What was I going to say?

Not far behind him there was that girl from the bar chasing him. Just as I was about to tell him, he scooped me up and threw me over his shoulder.

“Oh my God Mark! This! it’s like the first day I met you! You fucking caveman!!! Your hair smells nice.” He opened his passenger door. Threw me in and buckled my seatbelt. “Fucking hero status.” I slurred as I booped him on his nose.

He ran around the front, and got in and started the truck. All of a sudden the back window busted out. I screamed and ducked.

That’s one way to sober the fuck up. Mark peeled out and I poked my head up and looked behind us to see my drinking buddy only wearing one high heel. I looked in the back and spotted a black crystal Louboutin heel. “Fuck yes!!!”

“What?” Mark asked..

“My first Louboutin!!! I always wanted a pair of these but they’re like thousands of dollars. Oooh maybe she’ll give you the other one to pay for your window, and then you give it to me and I’ll buy your window.”

“Are you really scheming in this condition?” Mark chuckled.

I turned my obnoxious drunk Brooke off, and tried to be serious as possible. “Mark I am not drunk at all. I just wanted to leave, and use the alcohol as an excuse to yell at you.” I was so full of shit. There were literally 2 of him.

“Why would you want to leave with me?” Mark asked with one eyebrow up and the cockiest smirk on his gorgeous face.

“Because you’re going to take me to your house right now, and you’re going to fuck me into oblivion.” I settled back in the chair staring straight ahead. That was the craziest, bravest thing I’ve ever said. I couldn’t look at him. I was being cool Brooke. Unfazed Brooke. Confident Brooke. Slutty Brooke.

“Wow. Ok. Can’t argue with that.” Mark said as he grabbed my hand and laced his fingers through mine.

Holy shit, this was happening.

#my writing

[dsmadmin]

#reunion

Written by @MidnightRiderDW @King_D_Crowley and @SammyWDSM

Sammy -Hey Bro, it been a long time since I've seen you Midnight. When did my bro get so many clones? Just working out my life here in this world. What's happening with you? With the mention and appearance of @King_D_Crowley on my brother's shoulder.

Midnight - Thru that rift. More importantly, where the hell have you been?

-Midnight looks back seeing Crowley behind him. He rolls his eyes looking back at his brother and shrugs.-

He's like a bad cold, annoying and hard to get rid of.

Crowley - And still you called me to find a way to get to your Moose.

I feel so used right now. [He sighed loudly]

Sammy - [ Sam stood tall looking over at his brother and Crowley]

Just one day you were right here next to me and the next you were gone, Dean. What happened to you. I've looked for you for months. Just to find you here with no word. Me my life is just peachy Dean.

- Shaking his head at the thought of losing you for good. Stepping away from his brother when he could smell the pastries and coffee. His stomach was grumbling moving over to pick up a glass and filling it with Milk. When he turned to see a face he knows but was different from the one from In his world. -

What's there a Crowley on this world too? Does he follow you everywhere Dean, Like a little puppy dog?

Midnight - Midnight rolls his eyes looking back at Crowley.-

You say you feel so used hm? Funny cuz when I called you your ass was here in seconds.

-Running his fingers thru his hair Dean shakes his head. Does Sam honestly think he didn't do or wasn't still doing anything and everything in his power, and even not within his power to get him here. Now it's Dean who has a look of hurt in his eyes.-

Seriously? You're fuckin' with me right now, right? You don't think I haven't been lookin' for a way to get you here? You think I planned on coming here, leaving you behind? I called this ass for help, that should tell you how damn desperate I've been. I was driving, one second I'm looking out at a sunset next I'm being sucked thru this damn rift and I couldn't stop it. Oh, and FYI, you're not the only Sam Winchester in this world.

Crowley - [Winchesters drama would always be Winchesters drama. A broken record. Getting in the middle of it wouldn't do him any good but he made a mental note to remind Dean he was no ass later]

Sammy - Sam took a drink of his milk downing it in one. Listening to Dean talking. Swiping his mouth with his sleeve before talking.

“Yeah yeah, right now I don't know what to believe Because all I know you had left, I was hoping for some kind of sign and something but there was nothing. Dean his kind in Crowley took over our world, with the hunter's numbers were limited. The months had passed when I found my way to a strange lighting storm, When everyone was dead or gone Dean, I even thought you were dead Dean. It took everything of me to leave our world. To the unknowing to what or where I was going. Now I find you here with you murdering arse friend in Crowley beside you. Did you make a deal with him? “

-He watched his brother closely. Moving his eyes in the direction of Crowley. -

“I should have known you would crawl your way into being in Dean's good graces and life again. Wishful thinking Dean, there would be a world without your bromance Crowley following your ass. Just look at him always keeping an eye on you as normal. What do you mean there's are more Sams here too? what is this world, that you seem to call home. Clone’s world? “

Midnight - Jake and Cowboy who literally saved my sanity, saved me so hate me all you want but don't you dare accuse me of leaving you behind on purpose.

Crowley - [Ok he was fed up of all this]

ENOUGH BOYS!

First Dean stop calling me an ass, I’ve been kind enough to help, AGAIN, I’ve answered when you called, AGAIN.

As for you Moose, don’t ct like a child, do you think Dean wouldn’t have looked for you? Where has your brain gone? He’d blow up the moon for you and you know it.

You don’t like me, good, I don’t like you either but can you for one second just ask the right questions?

What caused that rift? Why, who and where, and who do you have to pay a visit to so it will never happen AGAIN!

Sammy - Just them with Crowley and his empty threats that Sam never took seriously at first.

Dean, I never received anything message from you. All I know you were out in baby and you never came back home, You were gone.

*He shrugs his shoulders not knowing how a better way to Answer Dean question about him leaving him behind. Without being an ass*

Sam was just going on his facts of the truth over the past year. Sam had many questions about Dean life here. Who was this Cowboy and Jake he spoke of?

*Sam stepped back and listened to Crowley putting

His two cents in. Raising an eyebrow to him*

"You are an ass, Crowley, you will never change always looking after number one. What were you hoping to get from Dean if you managed to help him? Answer me this Crowley. " He asked.

He wasn't wrong about me not likely him as he was one of my least favourite people in any world as he wanted to find a way to get rid of Crowley for good.

Sam never knew anything about this rift until he had reached it. Dean seemed to know everything as it seems to me what Dean is saying we aren't the only ones that came through this? Does this world want to keep this rift open for more people to come through Dean?

Midnight - -Midnight first turns and looks at Crowley, the Demon of Hell being the logical one and actually what he's saying, or rather ranting about is true. He rubs the back of his neck.-

Thank you Dr Lecter

-He puts his focus back on his brother.-

The call must've not gone thru, Sam I was literally driving down the street tapping my fingers to Highway to Hell, go figure, anyway within a split second Sam it just appeared. I felt it drawing me in, i grabbed my cell and called you but it sucked me in and before i could even blink i was thru it. I swear to you the second i seen it i tried to call you, Sammy. As far as the rift and Blackwater go, they have been trying to find a way to close that decades. Sam, Colt and Jake have been here for over 20 years. That's how long it's been open that we know of, it could be longer.

-Sighing Dean rubs the back of his neck.-

There is no way to close it, there is no way to turn it around. It's always being monitored in case something that shouldn't come thru comes thru but closing it just isn't possible. Now, instead of fighting, will you com'er for a second?

Sammy - -Sam stood head over his brother, watching and reading his body language listening to him talking. He listened to everything Dean was saying some of it may be right. His expression on Dean's face wasn't a lie as he knew his brother better than himself at times. When he relaxed a little knowing the elephant in the room was still here in Crowley. -

I don't know anything about this rift in our world. As you said it pulled you in Dean? The rift was on the top of the cliffs just outside of Oregan, as I looked night and day between every high and low ground looking for you. Damn Dean even in every little dive Pub and fast food place for you. Now I found you just sitting here with a whole new life.

-Sam walked past

Dean glares a look in the direction of Crowley before turning back to Dean gather his thoughts-

there are others from a different world here too? There are multi Winchester's here too. Who is this Colt? Twenty years. Are you positive there is no way back to try and save some of our worlds? I don't know if I can accept giving up. Looks right now what you are saying I don't have a choice.

Crowley - If I may darlings, let me give you my two cents on this.

[He noticed how Sam looked at him, he was more than unwelcome but he didn’t care, he wasn’t here to be loved, he was here because he was fucking Crowley]

Are you even one bit accounted with the parallel universes theory? Sam… you must know about that. Every choice yo make open a fork, you pick one road but the other one stays open and there’s a parallel universe when you’ve chose the other path. That creates a zillion of different universes where you could be someone or something else… Seem like it’s no that much of a theory for you’ve been in different universes with many other Sams and Deans making different choices.

Midnight -Dean rubs his hand down his face. He can imagine was his brother is thinking seeing him in the new life. He's now married, for all intent and purpose, to two guys, opening a brewery, working at a company called Blackwater, but what he doesn't seem to understand is the fact that he's been here for over a year.

He's settled into life but not a day or a minute in a day has he not thought of Sam, not a day he hasn't worked on trying to get him here, or reverse that rift which is completely impossible.

The eldest hunter looks over at Crowley, actually, what he says makes sense.-

First off, I haven't 'Settled' into life without you, Sam, and second, what ass here -He looks at Crowley- says has a lot of value behind it. We can fight about 5his till the day we die but the facts are this, I got sucked into that rift, I couldn't get back, I've never stopped trying to get to you, yeah I've made a life here but it's been over a year Sam, and that doesn't mean I've been happy without you here.

As far as the other...us...'es or whatever, yeah there are. We're working on figuring the reason behind this but I can assure you, we sure could use that genius brain of yours. As for Crowley, no, I'm not making any kind of deals with him, believe or not, he's actually been helpful in the task of trying to get to you.

-Dean turns to Crowley.-

And don't say anything smart assed either.

Sammy - *Sam looked over to the small demon in the room with his eyes rolled back and forth. Typically Crowley always got something to say. Two cents. Knowing this might cost Dean and himself more If I needed to listen to this I need a stronger drink than Milk. *

Where is the booze in this place Dean, I know I'm not talking for the both of us, with you having a brewery now. I haven't had a decent

drink in ages?

*Looking back at Crowley*

What is this Mr helpful information Crowley trying to give us the in and out of the universe to suck up until you get whatever it is you want. Crowley answer me this What are you after?

*Sam moved around the room trying to find some beers*

Dean and Sam haven't seen each other for over a year and the Dean standing in front of him was certainly different from the one he was with a year ago plus. Maybe this world might not be as bad after all after a few characters were dealing with, especially one in black coat standing not too far away. Sam was intrigued over this black waters, Sam never thought he or Dean would settle down but Dean has found his place here with two others and a business. Sam had a dream like a zillion years ago not being in the life. This was the life he knew and he wouldn't change to what he is.

Sam found two beers. Picking up two bottles and taking the lid off them and passing one to Dean and the other to himself. Clink his beer against Dean's bottle. *

To Living your dream, Dean. Sorry, Crowley next time I’ll get you one. When you aren't sniffing around Dean so much.

Dean, what is the gig like here with hunters like us? Are you still hunting as much as you being a business and that now? I would like to get on this rift thing. Can you pull some strings for me, like old times.

*Sam jumped up on the tabletop and sat taking a swig of his beer*

Crowley - [Every question you asked seemed to need no answers, you had always disliked him, but it was worst now. Whatever he’d say you wouldn’t listen… he had offered the best of explanation and you didn’t even listen. You didn’t want to think, you just wanted your brother back, brother who had a life now and a good one… and it was really hard for you. Dear dear Sam… whining Sam…]

Midnight- I'll call up Colt and let him know you came thru and that you want in with all this.

-Looking over at Crowley Dean sighs.-

Don't be pissed at Crowley Sam, he hasn't asked for anything in return for his help.

Crowley - [Indeed he hadn’t asked for anything in return and oddly enough didn’t intend to. He had a soft spot for Dean, he was a determined man, clever sometimes, wild pretty much all the time… well, he liked him, and without Sam around he had been pretty glad to be treated as a friend It’s not as if he had many… or at all. So yeah he hanged around more than he should, but never had he been what Sam remembered he was… oh he was a demon alright, did his demon stuff and wasn’t a boy scout… but to Dean,

he was as good a friend he could be. With you the younger Winchester back on the map he sort of feared he’d lose that]

Midnight - -Dean plops down in a chair looking between Crowley and his brother. Extremely grateful that he is here. He knows he has to figure a way to let Sam know Crowley is no longer a threat to them of any kind. Of course thinking this and proving this is two different things.-

Sam trust me when i tell you he isn't the same ass he used to be. I'm not tell you that you should or need to trust him but what i am telling you is that i do.

trust me when i tell you he isn't the same ass he used to be. I'm not tell you that you should or need to trust him but what i am telling you is that i do.

* Sam embraced his brother with a big hug before letting go*

I'm Sorry Dean for jumping down your throat over when I thought you forgot about me. Can we just move on and get back to being brothers somehow, with this new life you have here. You look happy here. like being back home. I would like that very much to get back on the road and get working on the rift thing and saving people. Our family business.

*Sam rolled his eyes at Crowley with the whiny Sam comment as he took another gulp of his beer. *

The demon wasn't doing himself any favors to get on Sam’s good side. Indeed he didn't trust Crowley as he wanted to find a way to kill him once and for all, because a lot had happened in his world after Dean fell into this world. No way Sam wasn't ever going to let it go, he was unsure if this if this was the Crowley from this world or his, but he wasn't going to let his guard down. Indeed Sam wanted his brother back as he was the only family he had not like Crowley had any family, more likes slaves.

* in the past few months Sam even came across a red-haired witch in Rowena who was Crowley's mother and she never wanted him. They were just the same always after number one. When he study and learned all about Cowley and everything he had done in the past. Looking over to Dean, he didn't say a word over the full subject of Crowley, to Dean Over the new concerns with Him and his mother. There might be a soft spot in Crowley as somehow Dean had Crowley under his little finger. *Letting out a small smirk as he pulled up a seat to sit next to Dean. *

he hasn't asked anything at all from you Dean, What’s your secret?

Midnight- To me how you got thru that rift. Maybe if we can figure out how it's working, we can figure out why it's happening. Oh, and here, they call me Midnight. Easier to keep track of all of us Dean's.

Crowley -[The brothers needed time to bond again. Dean had pleaded Crowley’s case pretty well and more than enough for now. The “talking too much, I love the sound of my own voice” demon knew when to shut up and now was the time to close his mouth. It didn’t mean he’d leave them be, he had every intention to be there, with them. He’d act like a man trying to tame a wild animal, being around, letting them come closer and closer with time. Sam was that wild animal. He could be patient from time to time. And… he had Dean on his side. That “rift situation” would have to be investigated though, it was a real problem]

Sammy - Sam took another swig of his beer. With one of his feet resting over the other knee. Scratching his knee over what Dean was saying about the full relationship with the slimy Crowley. Indeed Sam never wanted to hurt Dean but to protect him over the things he had learned over the past year. Right now he would brush over the crumbs over the idea of Crowley has now changed. He would always keep an eye on him for the sake of his brother. Turning back to look over to midnight a name that would certainly different to him as Dean was just Dean to him but with many clones of his older brother. He would try to remember that. Making a mental note of the Deans that his brother had told him already in. One called Colt, cowboy, and his brother. That's not too many to list three he thought. -

Cheers Dean would be good to get working in the family business.

-Resting his beer on his groin and he stretches out his long arms to lift the cuff on his flannel shirt. Rolling up the cuffs to under his elbow. -

For me to get here, your car had a flat tyre in oregan. When I was on a hunt for one of the horsemen. War had set our world to make the humans fight with each other when they were killing each other thinking some were demons. *Sam looked over at Crowley and then back to his brother before continuing * In the last town over. I was following in his tracks when this storm came out of nowhere with the lightning strikes were certainly unusual for sure. I don't know what it was was make me go and have a look after I managed to change the tyre of when you taught me how. After getting back on the road I follow the strikes always beginning release from one spot over the cliffs. In the wake of the storm hitting some homes and destroying buildings, I made my way up to the top of the cliffs, and there it was. It's only lighting bubbles sending small waves every minute. I took some time to leave baby as I was working Pattern of the strike when some were violent and some weren't. After I found the perfect pattern I step out of baby with my bag on my shoulder after trying to send you one last message to where I was and I am across the lightning thing. I made myself towards it and now I landed here. In this city feeling lost. To know where I was. Now everyone and everything feels normal here. With your new friends too in a Crowley too. Is there anything else changed in your life here Dean? *Crowley was very quietly as Sam rambled on* Are any of the horsemen here? I would like to try and settle a score with war someday too.

[admirablemushroom]

chat with a stranger

[7:43 PM] ttd29: Tell me more about him [7:43 PM] ttd29: What is it that you like so much about this guy who doesnt respond to your needs? [7:43 PM] Theodore: ok so we met by playing dota2 together [7:44 PM] Theodore: he was a very nice guy who didn't scold me for feeding the enemies [7:44 PM] ttd29: Ok great start

[7:44 PM] Theodore: so for some reason i asked him his fb and we started to become friends [7:45 PM] Theodore: at the time i was dating a girl [7:45 PM] Theodore: i sent a few memes to him [7:45 PM] Theodore: u know, from r/suddenlygay, etc [7:46 PM] ttd29: Wait you’re bi? [7:46 PM] Theodore: you can say so... [7:46 PM] ttd29: Lol interesting [7:46 PM] ttd29: Anyway go on [7:47 PM] Theodore: i usually go by being gay in order to avoid surprise moments like this [7:47 PM] Theodore: anyway [7:47 PM] Theodore: we got closer and closer [7:48 PM] Theodore: i even asked him how to kiss a girl before i got that girl [7:48 PM] Theodore: then one day he was comfortable enof to admit that he's bi [7:49 PM] Theodore: and i eventually dumped my ex-gf bc i was an asshole [7:50 PM] Theodore: in my defense i felt tired to fake my masculinity [7:50 PM] ttd29: No need to defend yourself [7:50 PM] ttd29: At least you didnt cheat [7:50 PM] Theodore: then a few days later i met him in a coffee shop [7:50 PM] Theodore: that was our first meeting [7:51 PM] Theodore: and we started hanging out more often [7:51 PM] Theodore: after 2 meetings, we became boyfriends [7:53 PM] Theodore: ok after this point there was no major event [7:53 PM] Theodore: he also gave me a book 'call me by ur name' [7:53 PM] ttd29: How long did you guys date? [7:54 PM] Theodore: in the book, he signed "you're the best thing that ever happened to me" [7:54 PM] Theodore: the book has been given away to one of my friends [7:55 PM] Theodore: i can go on about how disgusting that book is but maybe another time [7:55 PM] Theodore: (not his fault, Andre aciman's fault) [7:55 PM] Theodore: then i took a 6-month exchange study [7:55 PM] Theodore: so we maintained our communication online [7:56 PM] Theodore: after getting back to vn, we went out together again [7:56 PM] Theodore: then we had arguments about this and that, i remember i was a pretty rude guy and i raised my tone a lot of times.... [7:57 PM] Theodore: must've been tiring for him to go thru all that [7:58 PM] Theodore: at the peak of the conflict, one day we were arguing about something i dont remember but pretty sure i started first [7:58 PM] Theodore: he left in the middle of the convo to play video games [7:58 PM] Theodore: which i was very angry and sad [7:59 PM] Theodore: but he also quit the match to talk to me [7:59 PM] Theodore: and u know, i was not a considerate person, i usually started a fight and made a fuss about anything [8:00 PM] Theodore: and when im stressed, i write a lot [8:00 PM] Theodore: and when i write a lot, whoever read it gets stressed too [8:01 PM] Theodore: ok i see u went offline lol, prolly u got stressed too [8:02 PM] ttd29: Lol relax [8:03 PM] ttd29: I just took a shower [8:04 PM] ttd29: And then after that what happened? [8:05 PM] Theodore: wait me, i need to finish the monstrosity i cooked [8:06 PM] ttd29: =))))) [8:06 PM] ttd29: Oke [8:20 PM] Theodore: ok so at one point i just straight up told him dont talk to me anymore [8:20 PM] Theodore: which i very regret til this day [8:21 PM] Theodore: after that text, he never answered me again [8:21 PM] Theodore: he didn't respond to anything [8:21 PM] Theodore: basically he ghosted me [8:21 PM] ttd29: For a year??? [8:22 PM] Theodore: yes [8:22 PM] Theodore: i had been through a lot of confusion, anger, self hate, regret, depression, you name it [8:22 PM] ttd29: And he never talked to you again until now? [8:23 PM] Theodore: i kept messaging him for months, until July last year i told him this would be my last text (it wasn't), which he also didnt read [8:24 PM] Theodore: and a few days ago my depression hit me so bad i had to bring up that shit again [8:24 PM] Theodore: this time i talked with a mutual friend of us [8:25 PM] Theodore: along the lines i told my fren that 'the only reason i haven't commit suicide is because my mom would be sad if i did' [8:25 PM] Theodore: my fren told my ex that i wanted to commit suicide... [8:25 PM] Theodore: -.- [8:25 PM] ttd29: Quào [8:25 PM] ttd29: Okay [8:26 PM] ttd29: Great friend [8:26 PM] ttd29: =)) [8:26 PM] ttd29: After that then what happened [8:27 PM] Theodore: anyway, i also sent him a few words that said 'i dont understand how things went wrong but im sure whatever my mistakes are, i am not deserved to be ghosted for a year like this' [8:27 PM] Theodore: after i filed a request to delete my fb account [8:27 PM] Theodore: so i told my fren find some way to make him read my last message before the account got deleted completely [8:28 PM] Theodore: actually he completed what i asked him to do, but the way he did it was a bit questionable wasn't it [8:28 PM] Theodore: in some way, he distorted what i said about suicide [8:29 PM] ttd29: Yeah that was totally not cool [8:29 PM] Theodore: anyway, my ex sent me an email to apologize bc i blocked him on all media [8:29 PM] Theodore: before i received the email, i felt like i was reborn [8:30 PM] Theodore: that i could finally give up the past and move on to the new chapter [8:30 PM] Theodore: but then... the email =.= [8:30 PM] Theodore: i just wanted him to read, i didn't want an answer anymore [8:30 PM] Theodore: it is too late for an answer [8:31 PM] Theodore: anyway i got stressed again and my emails sent to him got longer and longer [8:32 PM] Theodore: he eventually responded that he was super tired with this way of talking of mine and that's one of the reasons he gave up the relationship [8:32 PM] Theodore: i guess he had a point, i sometimes feel like im overdramatic about things [8:32 PM] Theodore: and yes when im stressed i'd write a lot and talk a lot [8:32 PM] ttd29: Yeah well [8:33 PM] ttd29: Now where are you guys? [8:33 PM] ttd29: Still exchanging emails? [8:33 PM] Theodore: so fast forward a few emails, i got friendlier and finally connected to him on discord [8:34 PM] Theodore: i dont really use discord but im not ready to reconnect with him on any other platform [8:34 PM] Theodore: so this is the choice [8:35 PM] ttd29: And you guys are talking normally now? [8:35 PM] Theodore: i guess??? idk, i dont feel that way [8:35 PM] Theodore: but, as i said, his mom is going thru cancer treatment [8:35 PM] Theodore: so he must be very busy and, in his words, he did not have the mental capacity for this [8:36 PM] Theodore: so yeah, although i really want to get back, i still feel like im chasing him [8:36 PM] ttd29: Okay got it [8:37 PM] Theodore: id been already texting to a ghost for almost a year, now i still have to try to get his attention [8:37 PM] Theodore: but [8:37 PM] Theodore: i cant blame him because who knows what his situation right now [8:37 PM] ttd29: Was about to ask why do you want to get back together but realize that’s a redundant question lol [8:38 PM] Theodore: here [8:38 PM] Theodore: also cuz he's cute so it's not that easy :frowning: [8:38 PM] ttd29: =))) [8:38 PM] ttd29: Lol [8:39 PM] ttd29: Cute guys are abundant out there waiting for you [8:39 PM] ttd29: Anyway [8:39 PM] Theodore: just enjoy my awkward humor amidst a stressful story [8:39 PM] ttd29: I kind of understand what you’re going through [8:39 PM] ttd29: Enough to know that you wont be rational right now lol [8:39 PM] Theodore: ... [8:39 PM] Theodore: thats disappointing [8:40 PM] ttd29: If i tell you he’s not the right guy for you, would you suddenly stop wanting him? [8:40 PM] ttd29: I don’t think so [8:41 PM] Theodore: that's what u think [8:41 PM] Theodore: this afternoon u said something that was quite impressing [8:41 PM] Theodore: but now it's not cuz i forgot [8:41 PM] ttd29: :slight_smile: [8:41 PM] ttd29: I said [8:41 PM] ttd29: It’s okay to miss someone [8:42 PM] Theodore: here [8:42 PM] ttd29: But you need to be rational enough to know whether they are good for you [8:42 PM] ttd29: That’s the more important part of the equation [8:43 PM] Theodore: it's so pity to give up such a beautiful story like that, i literally could turn it into a wattpad series which makes fangirls cry out every night [8:43 PM] Theodore: what we had together was so romantic and any relationship which came after was incomparable [8:44 PM] ttd29: This right here my fren [8:44 PM] ttd29: Is why every relationship comes after are not comparable [8:45 PM] ttd29: You havent fully dealt with your shit yet so everyone else are just rebounds [8:45 PM] ttd29: You think they would cure you, but you need to cure yourself first [8:45 PM] Theodore: i never found any friends that were so compatible with me like him, let alone a lover [8:46 PM] Theodore: for real, if i had great friends, i could have just turned to my friends and never given a shit about him [8:46 PM] Theodore: but i've always been a lonely person [8:47 PM] ttd29: Do you ever think [8:47 PM] ttd29: You’re so consumed by your pain, that you’re not letting your friends in? [8:47 PM] Theodore: ive been always like this since kindergarten [8:48 PM] ttd29: Like what? [8:48 PM] Theodore: alone [8:49 PM] ttd29: Lol it’s all connected together now [8:50 PM] ttd29: You’re always alone. So once you found someone who cares, you put wayyy too much pressure on that person to care for you [8:50 PM] Theodore: wow [8:50 PM] ttd29: So they cracked [8:51 PM] ttd29: Yeah [8:51 PM] ttd29: At least that’s the vibe I got from our conversations [8:52 PM] ttd29: And then you never really let anyone in to care for you after that person left. [8:52 PM] ttd29: I’m sure your friends really care about you. But you don’t tell them how they can help you so they must be frustrated as well [8:52 PM] ttd29: Hence the suicidal distortion thingy [8:53 PM] ttd29: Maybe they were concerned and wanted to help, but didnt know how to [8:54 PM] Theodore: hmmm [8:54 PM] Theodore: w8 me, im on a phone call w mum [8:54 PM] Theodore: brb [8:54 PM] ttd29: Oke [9:12 PM] Theodore: you are right about the whole thing [9:12 PM] Theodore: i wouldn't say i didn't let anyone care me after he left [9:13 PM] Theodore: it's just hard for me to connect with someone on that deep level [9:13 PM] Theodore: i used to be quite clingy around friends who i found compatible with me [9:14 PM] Theodore: but at the end of the day, i think it's important to know that they also have their own lives [9:14 PM] Theodore: so i dont really have friends anymore, cuz i feel like im bothering them [9:15 PM] ttd29: What is this deep level that you were able to connect with the guy? [9:15 PM] Theodore: yeah i have best friends here and there but i dont find myself comfortable as i was with my ex [9:17 PM] Theodore: he's both a best friend and a lover; we shared a lot of hobbies and favorite topics, ... and also i felt like he would always be there to lend me an ear, unlike a normal friend [9:17 PM] Theodore: which has been proved to be incorrect lol [9:17 PM] ttd29: Sounds like you need a hug lol [9:18 PM] Theodore: i really appreciate that u are staying here to listen to me [9:18 PM] Theodore: and u gave some very interesting insights that no one else did [9:18 PM] Theodore: prolly becuz they didn't care enof, or they just wanted to quickly conclude my problems so they could go to sleep [9:19 PM] ttd29: Haha i’m flattered [9:19 PM] ttd29: Idk you just sound like you really need to talk this out [9:20 PM] Theodore: and now that we're connected on discord, i kept getting mixed signals from him [9:20 PM] ttd29: I believe being able to talk about our problems always help [9:20 PM] Theodore: i'm a bit obsessed to discord recently and i found myself waiting for a dm from him [9:20 PM] Theodore: :neutral_face: [9:21 PM] ttd29: You know what your problem is? [9:21 PM] Theodore: i dont want to... you know... after all the shit ive been thru, i now have to continue waiting for him [9:21 PM] ttd29: You never really get a full closure from him [9:22 PM] ttd29: I mean he just ghosted you out of the blue. Then he only came back and apologized when he thought you were going to committ suicide [9:22 PM] Theodore: yes, please continue [9:22 PM] ttd29: You never got a sincere apology [9:23 PM] Theodore: you are right... [9:23 PM] ttd29: That’s why you’re so hung up [9:23 PM] ttd29: And you got your own problems to fix to [9:23 PM] ttd29: Starting from your “clinginess” [9:24 PM] ttd29: He’s not going to fix that problem for you [9:24 PM] ttd29: And if you guys got back together, you will eventually break up again, because the root of the problem was never resolved [9:24 PM] Theodore: you are right [9:25 PM] ttd29: I don’t want to tell you what to do. But you surely deserve an in-person, sincere apology from him, for leaving you in the worst way possible [9:26 PM] Theodore: i suppose [9:26 PM] Theodore: but he's in an emotional distress, so i cant really blame him, or expect anything from him [9:26 PM] Theodore: im thinking about ending this come-back plan from my side [9:27 PM] Theodore: i think he wont give a shit lol, because he also said we would still break up if none of us changed [9:28 PM] ttd29: Yeah so if he is aware of that [9:28 PM] Theodore: i really thought i had improved myself as a person after all the regret, but now that we found out that i still have a tendency to cling to people i care about and that makes them suffocated [9:28 PM] ttd29: And if he really did love you and respect you enough, he would understand you need this, Theodore. [9:29 PM] ttd29: This is your problem that you need to work on improving [9:29 PM] Theodore: need what? an apology? [9:29 PM] ttd29: Yes [9:29 PM] ttd29: A sincere apology [9:29 PM] ttd29: Not an “i only apologize because i think you’re going to commit suicide” [9:30 PM] Theodore: you are right, the moment i knew that was the reason he apologized, i was shocked and disappointed [9:30 PM] Theodore: shall i keep waiting for anything from him? [9:30 PM] ttd29: Just text him that [9:31 PM] Theodore: no, i dont want to [9:31 PM] ttd29: :))) if i were there, I would snatch the phone from you and text him myself [9:31 PM] Theodore: u seem like a cool friend to be around :)) [9:31 PM] ttd29: You said he was mature enough to know it’s not a good idea to get back together [9:32 PM] ttd29: So be it [9:32 PM] ttd29: But he must admit he was wrong [9:32 PM] ttd29: Wrong to treat you like that [9:32 PM] Theodore: i also asked him for an in-person meeting but he declined becuz he's busy with his mom [9:33 PM] Theodore: i think it will take a long time for him to get over that, and by that time he will have forgotten about me probably lol [9:33 PM] ttd29: Or via text, or via email or whatever. [9:33 PM] ttd29: Get him to apologize sincerely [9:34 PM] Theodore: he did apologize me multiple times [9:34 PM] ttd29: Okay fine [9:34 PM] ttd29: If you’re think they’re sincere then they are [9:34 PM] Theodore: even on discord, one time he asked me how i was doing and i told him about my depression and he apologized [9:34 PM] ttd29: But if they are not then you should get one [9:34 PM] ttd29: Omg no that’s not sincere [9:34 PM] ttd29: :slight_smile: [9:34 PM] Theodore: ??? its not [9:35 PM] Theodore: how do i know [9:35 PM] ttd29: Why must his apology always be connected to your mental state [9:35 PM] Theodore: he's not capable of writing dancing words like me [9:35 PM] Theodore: idk?? [9:35 PM] Theodore: so it's not sincere... [9:36 PM] ttd29: A sincere apology should be when you guys are both in normal state [9:36 PM] ttd29: And you know that he’s really sorry for what he did [9:37 PM] ttd29: Not just because he thinks saying sorry would make you not depressed/want to commit suicide/etc [9:37 PM] Theodore: got it [9:37 PM] Theodore: aww fren thanks for helping me realize it [9:38 PM] Theodore: maybe i still have feelings for him and want us to be back so i did put the bar quite low for an apology [9:38 PM] ttd29: Lol I need to consider becoming a mental therapy [9:39 PM] ttd29: Yeah to be frank I don’t think getting back together is a good idea [9:39 PM] ttd29: You need to deal with your emotional baggage first [9:39 PM] Theodore: okay [9:39 PM] Theodore: so no waiting for him [9:39 PM] ttd29: Yeah!!!! [9:39 PM] ttd29: Work on yourself [9:40 PM] Theodore: ok... [9:40 PM] Theodore: haizzz... [9:40 PM] Theodore: such a beautiful story

[felixuh]

boy next door!daehwi

okay so this is gonna be my first bulletproof bulleted scenario/headcanon so wISH ME LUCK PLS

sO instead of those super duper cliche plots i’ll try to make this as cliche-ly realistic as possible haHA sike no i can’t do that

anyways

so you live in this nice suburban town where everything was nice and chill

not much happened out of the ordinary

not many people moved in and out of here

it was kinda close knit and relaxed

but then 

all of sudden

in the smack dab of one summer while ur still in middle school/junior high

your parents decided to interrupt your wonderful nap to tell you that a new family moved in next door

and in your half asleep daze 

you accidentally forgot that your parents invited them over for dinner

(when ur parents have more of a social life than u do e.e)

so you wake up like half an hour before dinner to your mom banging on your door and telling you to get ready

“waIT WHAT NO I’M NOT READY WHAT THE HECK MOM”

*cue frantic scrambling to look nice or else your mom would ground you for a week*

in the midst of wildly attempting to fix yourself up a doorbell rings

“y/N OPEN THE DOOR”

clumsy you decided to dash down the stairs and ended up skidding down the steps and ended up with bruises on your knees

(oUCH BE CAREFUL)

(btw you got them on ur knees bc you landed on your knees rlly hard on the last step)

but you pulled your outfit down to hide the scratches

and you rushed to the door and braced yourself for sOcIaL iNtErAcTiOn !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you open the door to a kid that looks around your age !?!??!

???

you open your mouth but nothing comes out

but the boy speaks first

“hi my name is lee daehwi!! you must be y/n! nice to meet you ^_______^”

you give him a small smile and he gives one of his bright smiles back and his eyes crinkle and you feel your chest tighten bc w h a t

you’re about to introduce yourself back but then his parents appear behind him

“oh hello! you must be y/n l/n, right? your parents talked about you and we’ve heard wonderful things. i see you’ve met our son, daehwi!”

you politely greet them back and let them in

anyways so you guys end up having dinner and slightly awkward/polite convos

and the adults like talk about life so you quietly slip away and daehwi follows you to the backyard where you have a set of swings

you guys quietly swing in awkwardness bc u dunno what to say 

(me in every social situation ever)

daehwi notices the scrapes on your leg and !!!! 

“oH- that must hurt!!”

you look at him wildly confused like 

what is he talking about

is this kid ok

but you see him kneeling down on one knee in front of you

and he has a molang bandaid in his hand

“...”

you haven’t spoken a word to him at all this entire time

and he looks up at you

you’re avoiding his eyes but you ask

“do you always carry around molang bandaids?”

he stares at you for a moment and you feel your face flush red and you’re about to get up and leave but

then he lets out a huge laugh and ruffles your head 

wow he must have long freaking arms if he can reach your head while kneeling

“ah you’re cute,,” “but be more careful !!”

did he just call me cute ????

he put the bandaid on your knee and you eventually warmed up 

you started talking to him about life and your fav cartoons

and before you know it your parents poked their heads outside 

“y/n! daehwi! it’s time to go in”

and that’s how you met daehwi

now you guys lived next to each other

so naturally that meant that you both went to the same school 

(this isn’t some private academy or gender specific school scenario haha)

at school 

as much as you wished to be with daehwi you sadly weren’t in the same class as him (y u gotta be so cruel)

bc of his gr8888 personality and cute looks he was really popular even in middle school

y’all didn’t talk much in school bc of separate classes and diff friend groups

but he would walk with you home

and you guys would talk about almost everything

you considered him your best friend which was amazing since you had only met him only awhile ago

on the weekends sometimes he’d climb over the fence with popsicles and you’d both chill on the swings and hang out

just the two of you

nobody knew you both were really close tho cuz they didn’t see you guys together in school

then high school came 

you eventually matured and grew a little taller (THANK GOD) (you also got even more gorgeous if that was possible)

but

oh boy

daehwi on the other hand

he got a complete glo up

he dyed his hair from black to a sandy blond which made him eyecandy for 90% of the student body

his chubby cheeks lost their fat and he became a lil toned from athletics and sports and dancing

everyone loved him

tbh you felt a little insecure bc wow he had changed so much and here you were 

(DON’T WORRY READER I LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE AND IK UR AMAZING SO DON’T FEEL INSECURE AT ALL <333)

you hadn’t seen daehwi in awhile since he was so busy with everything in and outside of school :(((

man this boi was doing everything and working his lil ambitious butt off

but

you did well with academics and had your own passions too

but seeing daehwi made you feel a lil incompetent so you subconsciously avoided him when he wasn’t busy to walk home

and at home

things were getting kinda rough with all the expectations put upon you by your family

and you had so many activities you were getting rlly rlly stressed out

and your friends tried to help but you were getting stuck in a hole you had dug

all you knew was to study, work, sleep, eat and repeat

you didn’t remember the last time you genuinely laughed or did anything for fun

it wasn’t a good situation at all :”c

daehwi worked rlly hard too

cuz he was going thru a similar struggle

but

you worked so much harder than he did

and it was noticeable

daehwi would always notice that the light in your window would always be on even after he went to bed

and you hadn’t been going outside to your swing lately

but he felt bad bc he hadn’t talked to you in awhile

until one day he got a text from your friend asking him to talk to you

???? 

alarms started to go off in his head bc

nOOoOoooO his y/n

during the weekend you were so tired you didn’t know what to do anymore

school was being a huge pain in the ass

you couldn’t even function

what was life anymore

and that’s when you heard a knock on your door

you groan and slightly bang your head on the table in frustration bc 

who?? what?? WHY NOW??

you trudge to the door looking like a hot mess (in reality you look as beautiful as ever c; )

you open the door

and there’s daehwi in sweatpants and a sweatshirt holding a molang plushie and some bags in his arms

“hey y/n” 

“d-daehwi???”

??????????????????????

“what r u doing here??? don’t u have dance practice now??”

he shakes his head no and lets himself in

you’re standing there shocked 

daehwi’s acting as if nothing was wrong and he’d been doing this for awhile now

so as he starts unloading things from the bags onto the kitchen counter

“i brought your fav drinks, spicy ramen, and some candy! you’ve been looking a little malnourished nowadays y/n-ie, make sure to take care of yours-”

he looks over

and

as much as you try to control yourself

you start sniffling bc w o w he did this for you?? and it meant a lot?? 

and he sees you covering your eyes a little and he knows that you don’t cry very much often (nOooOoooo don’t cry love)

and he walks over and ruffles your hair and gives you a big warm hug that you didn’t know you had been missing for awhile

and you just bury your face into his comfy sweater and drown in his love bc 

<3333

and he just draws circles into your back until you calm down

so you decide to relax and take a break

but

he notices while you help put the food away

you had cuts on your hands/arms??? 

you were always clumsy and would get random injuries from doing basic tasks and not even know

and he tsked

you looked over in confusion

and WAPOW

he magically holds out a molang bandaid

and he gently holds your finger as he puts the bandaids on the cuts

and chides you for being so careless

“y/n take care of yourself!!!”

you just laugh

bc daehwi hasn’t changed a bit on the inside

he was still the cute kid from middle school who carried molang bandaids around 24/7

(srsly tho)

and you guys decide to eat some snacks and watch cartoons together

just like back when y’all first met

AWW THE CUTE MEMORIES

and you’re dozing off a lil

and daehwi looks over and you’re leaning towards the side of the couch

but he gently tilts your head onto his shoulder

and he smiles lovingly at you bc

he finally got to see you again after awhile

and 

here you were

being so soft and lovely as always

and he presses a light kiss onto your head

u stirred a little bc you were having such a great dream

and you felt something on your head???

and you woke up all sleepy and cute

and you saw daehwi flushed bright red

bc SHOOT

UR AWAKE

NO

THIS WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SMOL CUTE ROMANTIC MOMENT THAT ONLY DAEHWI KNEW ABOUT

and you’re trying to comprehend wtf just happened

“daehwi...”

“did u just kiss my head or did i imagine that”

nOW YOU GUYS HADN’T TALKED IN AWHILE

BUT YOU KNEW THE TELLTALES OF WHEN HE WAS LYING

HE LEARNED HOW TO COVER HIS TRACKS

but he couldn’t control the redness of the tips of his ears

and you saw his ears turn.. pink?

w h a t

you freeze for a moment

and process that

your best friend who was also ur neighbor had just kissed you on the head

(secretly screaming on the inside bc WE ALL KNEW THAT THIS WAS COMING)

you look up at him again and he’s fiddling with his hands in awkwardness bc wtf was he gonna do now

he got caught

and you just giggle slightly

bc aww look at the perfect daehwi being all flustered

you muster up some courage

bc

you knew

you liked him too

who wouldn’t?

and you pecked his cheek

and he looked up in surprise

huh???

“you... you like me back???”

“well if i didn’t i would’ve probably kicked you out by now you idiot”

his face turns from consternations to joy

and he smiles

like even the sun couldn’t stand a chance against this boy’s smile

and he just ruffles your hair

and you guys just cuddle on the couch

and soon fall asleep

and you knew that you had a lot to deal with now

and it would be hard

but at least you had your family and friends to help

and ofc

daehwi

your boy next door 

-

“u don’t live in a house anymore”

“what???”

“daehwi wtf r u talking about”

“i’ve saved you in my heart now”

“from now on you live in my heart and my heart only”

“oh my GOD”

“istfg I’M GONNA KILL PARK JIHOON”

a/n: hey everyone! i hope everyone’s been doing well lol sry for the lack of updates!! i’ve been in school and i haven’t had time to do much but thank you for reading this and i hope you enjoyed it! i’ll be writing for wanna one from now on too so look out for them scenarios <3333

#scenarios #wanna one scenarios #wanna one imagines #wanna one fanfics #wanna one fanfiction #wanna one fanfic #wanna one scenario #wanna one imagine #produce 101 scenarios #produce 101 imagines #produce 101 fanfic #produce 101 fanfiction #lee daehwi #lee david #lee daehwi scenarios #lee daehwi fanfiction #lee daehwi fanfic #lee daehwi imagines #lee daehwi fluff #wanna one fluff #lee david scenarios #kpop fanfic #kpop fanfiction #kpop scenarios #kpop imagines #kpop fluff #daehwi baby #imagines #fluff

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

⭐🥀TRIGGER WARNING!!

Introducing Last Night At 3AM. I Lost Control. Yet Another Breakdown, I Had about 30 breakdowns. No pity sympathy or attention. && NO I WAS NOT ON DRUGS! I'm over 1 year sober. Alvaro took over (one of my demons/alters) && Dancing Fire (another one) possessed me to the point I almost got a cop call. I don't wanna be a burden &: I wanna save fix care support be there for everyone and everything. I'm sick of being alive. But I can't do anything stupid cuz of me getting concerved to a state institution (which is way different than a mental hospital) cuz I've been in 215 mental hospitals & got diagnosed Critically/Clinically Insane plus over 10+ mental hospitals. All I have is my mom. The breakdowns the vivid flashbacks the mental illnesses getting 10x worse. No treatment will take me cuz I've been to all of them to many times. I can't process anything. My mind imprisons me. I dissociate 89 to 99% of the day. I've been thru every single sorts of treatments/medication I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018. I'm losing my mind. And everyday it's the same thing and people get tired of hearing it.I'm so done with dealing with this everyday. I don't need sympathy. I just don't know man. My mom&& lil brother doesn't want me home, I can't explain what's wrong or going on. I don't wanna be a burden. I'm sorry man. I wanted to self harm again but I didn't. Imagine all my mental illnesses multiplied by 10. Imagine EVERYDAY HAVING VIVID FLASHBACKS AND 22+ Mental Breakdowns a day. I.am sorry if I'm negative. I'm sorry. I just wanna save and fix the world. When people ask me "how are u" idk how much reply. I'm sick of my mind. I feel like darkness is controlling me. I pray A LOT. Alvaro literally possesses me and gets in my body. I have mostly every mental health diagnosis there is. And NO I'M NOT PROUD OF IT I'M NOT BRAGGING OR GLORIFYING It. I just wanna help everyone and everything. Along the my mental health, I have autism, narcolepsy anorexia Etc. My diagnosis list is so long and I don't wanna be known for that. I can't even leave my house. When ever I feel a lil bit better, here comes Alvaro. But again I don't wanna be a burden. It's my job to be there for everyone else NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I can't take this anymore. No pity sympathy or attention. I can't seek help cuz then they'll send me to a institution cuz I've been in to many mental hospitals. I'm doing the best I can. But I'm about to snap. I can't function. And I'm getting worse. I don't want attention I want to be OK. I've dealt with all this hell most of my life. It's hard to explain. On top of that. My physical state is getting worse. I'm finding more reasons to die than to live. I'm over 1 year sober. I'm a huge hypocrite when it comes out taking my own advice. I don't love myself. But i am over caring sensitive and I help obsessively. I repeat myself idk I'm just not OK. I'm losing contact with reality. I'm scared to keep going. But I got this.🥀⭐

🥀⭐Your Enough

Your Worth It.

Your Life Has Purpose

This To Shall Pass

Im here for all y'all in anyway I possibly can.

I'm sorry if I'm annoying. I'm sorry

Stay Strong && Keep Breathing ⭐🥀

🌙🌙🔥🔥🖤🖤🥀🥀HUGE TRIGGER WARNING🥀🥀🖤🖤🔥🔥🌙🌙

🥀🥀🔥🔥Hey my name is Izzy && I'm a recovering drug addict && alcoholic with over 1 year sober. This is the longest I've been sober being out of treatment. I've used mostly every drug there is. Being homeless 13 times. In 215 mental hospitals. In 3 foster homes (2 out of 3 were abusive) group homes, unlocked and locked treatment centers, rehabs shelters, crisis centers. Short and long term treatment centers. Which none will take me back cuz I've been there to many times. I've sold myself && got tortured abused raped drugged up for drugs and money to raise my unbio son, Anthony. I lost custody cuz of false accusations. I've had multiple near death experiences (some were suicide attempts && some were naturally done) my drug of choice was meth. I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018, over 10+ mental illnesses. Some were caused from a few bad trips on PCP that I never came back from. I was sleeping anywhere I could rest my head, I had to be alert at all times. Tbh I havent been to a meeting in awhile. My sponsor is like family to me. I'm redoing all my steps. I'm on step 2. I've lost a shit ton of people to drugs and I was literally getting cop calls everyday. Drugs messed with my life. And having this much clean time is amazing. Most of my life I've gotten abused raped, literally tortured and drugged up. Sold. Prostituted, almost killed. But no pity sympathy or attention pls. Any clean time is good time. And I'm proud of all of you in recovery drug addiction is a special kinda hell. Drugs become your priority and your best friend. I got tortured on the daily by people coming in one by one torturing me from orders from Kimberly (my ex fiance who hung herself in front of me) it was one by one. I got so caught on in drugs that it was the only way I knew. I used to numb the pain. I'm so blessed I found God again. Now I have 22+ mental breakdowns a day every day. I found out it had a lot to do with my drug use.🔥🔥🥀🥀

🥀🖤Thank you for breathing even when u wanted to die. Drugs kill you. There's nothing about it to be proud of its serious. You Matter Yo Important Yo A Someone Yo Enough Yo Worth It Yo Have A Purpose, Yo Have A Story, A Message, A Voice, A Reason, Yo A Warrior, A Soldier, A Survivor, A Fighter. You Are U && NoOne Can Be You, But YOU. Your Life Matters YOU MATTER, Yo Life Has Value &% I'm Glad Your Alive. Thank U For Being Alive. People say that I help everyone and everything obsessively && I don't stop. It's very true. This is a shout out to my unbio son that I raised as my own, Anthony Castillo-Martinez, I met him at one of the many abusive foster homes. Where it was owned illegally by Andrea/Angela && Jimmy Miller. We got tortured daily. They were not licensed foster parents. I met Lil Toni there and I escaped with him to meet up with Kimberly. We lived in a run down hotel in LA. I became homeless again. Toni got me through so much and even tho I can't find him (he's been gone for years) your my lil baby. I will always love u. U are my world and one day I hope to see u again. I hope you have a good home now. Going to school. Just doing well in general. And I'm sorry for you witnessing what Kimberly was doing to me. I love u babes with all my heart. 🖤🥀

🖤🔥🥀I failed Cedar House twice. This was a rehab in San Bernardino, California. I lied my way out. And I regret it. Funny thing is I already read the entire NA Basic Text && The AA Big Book. I have multiple sobriety apps on my phone and I have an app that that has NA && AA Speakers on it. I'm reading the How && Why and I'm so proud of myself && I couldn't have got this far without my sponsor, Jaclyn. She understands me better than any sponsor I've had in recovery. Here's a list of my mental disorders, some were caused Or made worse by drugs and alcohol🥀🔥🖤

🌙🔥🔥Schizo-Affective, Bipolar

ADHD, OLD, ODD,

PTSD, Insomnia

Depression, Anorexia

Anxiety, Autism

Borderline Personality Disorder

Severe Brain Damage

Attachment Disorder

Dissociative Identity Fund..

Multiple Personality Disorder

Narcolepsy, Critically/Clinically Insane🔥🔥🌙

🖤🥀Listen I don't need your pity, sympathy or attention these were all diagnosed by over 5 psychiatrists, and diagnosed "Insane" by over 10 doctors. DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE!!!! Anyways. I attempted suicide over 100 times. Self harmed in anyway possible. They say I'm the most high maintenance case in the system of California. And the next time I go to a mental hospital I'm getting sent to a state institution. I would do anything to get drugs. Jeremy && Izzie Baraz were my street partners. They both passed away. All I have left in blood family is my mom and brother. My mom. Says if I pick up drugs one more time I'm never aloud back in her house. My dad injected me with meth and heroin at age 9, he also tortured me daily. He passed away in 2011. I'm glad he's dead. But I take full responsibility for my drug and alcohol habits. And I hope I never go back. One Day At A Time.🥀🖤

🔥🥀This To Shall Pass, If Not Today There's Always Tomorrow

God, Grant Me The Serenity

To Accept The Things I Cannot Change

The Courage To Change The Things I Can. &&

The Wisdom To Know The Difference

Amen🥀🔥

🔥🔥Keep Coming Back It Works If You Work It🔥🔥

🔥🔥A Moment Of Silence, For The Addict Who Still

Suffers, In And Out Of These Rooms🔥🔥

🔥🔥Staying Clean, Im Never Going Back🔥🔥

🥀🖤I almost relapsed again on New Year's. I almost asked a stranger to buy me Vodka. But God told me to stop.

I'm Always Here 4 All Of You, No matter What.

I'd Do Anything To Keep Y'all Alive && Breathing. To Make U OK. to Save && Fix U && Take Your Pain Away. I Love Y'all. Keep Coming Back.🖤🥀

[unproduciblesmackdown]

[deadmantalking117]

DR. FEELGOOD

There's an opiod crisis in America. I read about it everyday. Thousands of people who take narcotics to get high. To blunt the pain of whatever is hurting them. Physically, emotionally, whatever. I don't even pretend to have any kind of solution.. I can only offer you an insiders perspective. My very first experience with the good stuff was right after I got married. I'd had a migraine for the third straight day.. I'd get them several times a year.. but this one wouldn't stop. My mom says enough is enough.. I'm taking you to urgent care. Kat had the kids.. otherwise she'd have driven.. she was concerned by now as well. Never had one last this long. At the urgent care.. the guy checks me out.. "are you allergic to anything?" "Are you ok with a couple of shots.. we'll get you feeling better" Not allergic.. hate shots.. but ok fine Demerol and Thorozine Nectar of the Gods I remember it to this day. Full disclosure time. I'm 24 now.. haven't yet run into the issues that are about to start soon. I dont really drink.. been drunk a handful of times. But I dont drink.. just never cared for it.. don't like the taste, don't like the feeling. I smoked some pot when I was 20-21 but I was always paranoid about getting busted.. plus now I have kids.. and you know what that means.. no money for pot. Tried cocaine a couple times. Kat and I would get a little for "date night". But we're talking birthday or anniversary stuff. So, pretty vanilla for a party guy. Just wasn't much of a chemical romance for me. My how things do change. Demerol and Thorozine No ecstasy so wonderful.. no bliss so complete. I went from being almost blind with pain.. to walking on a cloud.. I floated out the door to mom's station wagon. Such a pretty station wagon! My God.. look at that wood paneling! It sooo beautiful! I opened the door and folded myself in half to get in. Mom says "whatcha doing?" I don't wanna hurt the car by banging into it.. It's so tiny and beautiful... "I think you're covered.. put your feet on the floor.. put on your seatbelt please" Home again after the beautiful magic carpet ride full of neon and colors. In mom's beautiful woody station wagon. I floated thru door.. "Oh my, you look better" Kat laughs You are sooo. Pretty ! You know what would great ? Brownies! And sex!.. and sex brownies! And pizza.. we should have everybody over and BBQ. I'm going to lay down for few minutes, watch a movie.. but then sex brownies! Zzzzzzzz. 2 days later when I started coming around. I honestly have never felt that good in my life. 2 days of being completely pain free.. and floating on clouds. Never before.. certainly not since. The problem with being in chronic pain is this. It's chronic.. that means it NEVER stops. Some days arent too bad. You feel crappy... but honestly.. any person over 40 is familiar with feeling pain every single day. I just got a big headstart from everyone else. A lot of days.. far too many days. The pain is crippling. But most people like me have to figure out how to have a life despite that. So, on we soldier. I'm mid 30's... just really getting bad sick. My doctor is an Internist. The kind of general doctor that does innards. Dr. Feelgood was an amazingly good doctor. Everyone in town knew and loved him. Everything's going wrong all the time.. But Dr Feelgood is working overtime to fix it. I'm in serious pain.. everyday.. all day. But he gives me pain meds. Vicodin, Percocet, fiorinol, demerol, pills, patches, shots. We tried everything. I had access to sleeping pills, xanax, valium. Not all at once of course. But in hefty doses. I was dying.. and I just wanted it to be as pain free as possible. Dr. Feelgood was trying his best. There was a point in my life.. because of the years of taking so many narcotics.. I could take absolutely lethal doses without getting even a little buzz. I could get a migraine.. which at the time was common. Go into the office and get a shot of demerol.. and off to work I'd go. It got rid of the pain ok. But no more highs for poor Steve. The party is long over.. and I'm still always in agony. This was a big reason why I quit everything all at once. For the past 5 years Dr Feelgood has been banging his head against my wall. But we had the opportunity to move to another state.. I'd had my 2nd resection.. so this was as good as it was going to get. Off we go. For the next 3 years.. nothing. Some good days.. some bad.. but no drugs at all. But reality does tend to insert itself. The fact of my life is.. I Have to use narcotics most days..and there are millions of people like me. Used properly they are a miracle for us. Buy there are too many people who see how glamorous its is.. being a drug addict looks like one long party for Steve... lets try it! I do make it look glamorous. The problem today in 2017 is the government is seriously clamping down on legitimate prescriptions for legitimate patients. Every time my doctor prescribes narcotics. She gets a letter from uncle Sam. It tells her all the good drugs she's given out vs. How much other doctors have written. You never want to be on the naughty list. Dont stand out! That means they now have to ration out the good stuff. They can't have several patients getting narcotics. So those of us who have a legitimate reason to take them. Can't always get them. Most doctors practices will not even take you as a patient if you are on narcotics! Wont even talk to you about it. So here's my current nightmare. If I lose my current doctor.. I may not be able to get another.. ever. All because of the opioid epidemic It's happened already.. About 12 years ago.. after my 3rd bowel resection.. my GI. said we could try... Morphine. It's good for guts like yours. It helps with pain.. it causes constipation.. which can balance the scales with the diarrhea you always now have. Cuz of the fact that you have almost no intestines left. But there's rules.. you can only get so many per month. There will never be more. Don't ask. No other drugs from any other doctors. Ever. No drug seeking behavior. Ever. Dont feed it after midnight or get it wet. In 12 years I've never broken the rules. Not once. But I had started going to a pain management Doctor. She took over all prescriptions.. but same rules. Thats what they do. And again.. I followed the rules. But she was willing to up the doses over the years. And eventually I was getting some pretty good amounts. Now to be clear. I haven't gotten high from morphine since almost ever. It just helps the pain some.. keeps my guts pretty calm. But one day I get a form letter.. they're closing down the pain management aspect of their practice because of government pressures. Too much hassle. So I go back to my original GI who started me on it, to take it back over. But he just had to retire after serious back surgery. And his partner wont talk to me. RuhRow! What do I do Scooby doo? I was lucky enough to find someone for about a year.. she cut me way down.. but at least there was something. But this isn't really her specialty.. and she's getting the letters from uncle Sam. So.. fuck it.. I quit ! Cold turkey.. I planned it out so I could take off a month from work. Stocked up on ensure.. and T.P. Got ready for withdrawls. They were as horrible as you see on t.v. or movies. Basically it's like having the flu really bad for a couple weeks. After a month I was clean.. but my new nightmare was in full view. I am missing a large portion of my intestines after 3 bowel resections. It's called Short Bowel Syndrome. Everything that goes in.. goes right back out.. fast. No sight seeing along the way. If course the rapid pass through causes severe spasms and pain. I could no longer leave my bedroom. Not ever. I was on the toilet 10 times a day or more. And I barely ate at all. My new GI wasn't to happy about going the morphine route. I remember our appointment a couple months after I'd quit cold turkey. I wrote down my reasons why I wanted her to put me back on. I was bawling as I tried to convey how miserable I was.. I wanted my sad pathetic life back! I don't want to only be able to get out of bed so I could shit myself to death. I begged like dog. She agreed at a much lower dosage.. and of course.. all the same rules apply. Most days.. it's not even close to enough. But at least I can get out occasionally. Work a few hours a week. Play Pokemon Go with the grandkids and my beautiful wife. I get to have some little bit of a life. If anything happens to her.. or she just decides otherwise. My life will literally be over. My entire life is on the line. Every month. I go to pick up my refill prescription from her.. I think.. is this the month she cuts me off? I don't wanna die. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't have the answer to any of this. All I know is that there are thousands, maybe millions of people in this exact same boat. Narcotics are the only thing keeping them alive or letting them have some measure of relief from pain that you couldn't imagine in your worst dreams. Our governments solution right now is to take away all narcotics from everyone.. let God sort 'em out. Crack down on doctors who are trying to keep them alive. Cut funding for rehabilitation services and mental health. The 2 best tools to curb the opiod epidemic. These are just facts I'm sorry to say. I just don't understand how they can be so callous and cruel. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't deserve this.

[thebuttsmcgee]

Late 90s/Early 2000s techno songs that would be played with amvs or animated videos just hit different

#butts talks nonsense #sorry jus listenin to the gigi d'agostino #ya know I miss those days of bein on early youtube watchin vids with those music #as cringe as that sounds everything felt so new and different back then #coodoo17 videos were the shit. cute Mario bros and stupid mario bros were my inspirations #scatman and scatman's world were so popular and Id watch the fuck outta the lego superhero vids #man. I was really. somethin back then. Now I might have trauma. maybe. #It feels wrong to call it that cuz everyone else here has been thru what I would call trauma #and me calling my own bad experiences that just feels. guilty #I dunno. Im just tired of so much. #I think ima listen to scatman again