#IM SOBBING LIKE ITS SO FUNNY ITS SO OUT OF THE LEFT FIELD WITH WHAT THEY MADE FOR ME | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thatdeadaquarius · 1 year

Note

Imagine everyone in genshin could physically see when you lag. Collecting some sunsettia then my ping sky rockets to 999 and im frozen for a good minute in the middle of doing an attack 😭

SOB bro ive gotten caught in some DOWNRIGHT SILLY lags before- i would pass away if they saw that

Esp since i get them stuck then just start laughing my ass off 💀

This gif took me out this is so funny 😭 i had to put it here LMAO

I accidentally made Venti jump on top of a Aranara house when I was first exploring Sumeru and did that "flying in the air/jumpin down pose" but just. Through a palm leaf, he's just fluttering in the wind it was painfully ironic 😭

BRO

Bro.

What if u were isekaied to Genshin but it still has game rules, and so now ur like a character too,

SO U CAN ALSO LAGGGG STOPPP 😭😭😭

I would constantly be omw to the Backrooms 💀

Glitching thru magic shit bc im inpatient and wanna hurry (lagged myself thru some domain steps once)

OH MY GOD-

IF THEYRE AWARE

OF EVEN JUST YOU LAGGING THEIR BODIES

DUDE 😭

So this is unrelated to lag shit, but Ive just done so much silly ass things in game that they would find just as funny or dumb 💀

♤

So, When i first started Genshin I was on some Shit.

I had only rlly played one or two open world games before, and even then not for a long time, so I just like did the stupidest things

I was fighting in those early domains in Mondstadt right, and I had just gotten to the cutscene with Lisa and Traveler, I think thats all who were there

And I had just finished the last battle in the chamber, so I had just deployed Baron Bunny from Amber but killed the monsters before it could go off-

SO IN THE MIDDLE OF LISA TALKING- JUST AN EXPLOSION HAPPENS STAGE LEFT OFF SCREEN AND INTERUPTS HER LMFAO

I LITERALLY APOLOGIZED TO LISA I WAS CRYING LAUGHING SO HARD

(no pls dont make her aware of that for me she would bully me forever)

I FELT LIKE I WAS JUST CAUSING THESE CHARACTERS PROBLEMS RIGHT OFF THE BAT LMAO

◇

And I also didnt know about boss monsters yet (i didnt watch anyone play genshin/know where or what they were lol goin in blindfolded essentially)

So im running around Mond. and I start fighting a Cryo whopperflower for a little while, im not high level yet, and deadass MID SWORD SWING-

I GLITCH THRU A TINY CRACK IN THE ROCKS BC ITS OPEN ON THE TOP RIGHT??!! SO IT WAS JUST SOLID GROUND TO ME AND IM JUST FALLING-??!!

AND THEN I LAND MY ASS THE GIANT CRYO FLOWER REGISVINE AND I STG IT LAGGED AND WAITED FOR A MINUTE BEFORE IT STARTED MOVING LIKE IT WAS CONFUSED TOO-

AND ITS LEVEL IS LIKE IN THE RED

AND THE FALL KILLED AETHER (which I also didnt know could happen 😭TRAUMA) SO I JUST SUDDENLY HAVE AMBER OUT- !!??

BRO THAT WHOLE SITUATION MADE ME THINK I HAD ANGERED THE TINY FLOWER SO BAD IT JUST BECAME HUGE-

I WAS LITERALLY SCREAMING AT MY SCREEN "AMBER FUCK RUNNNN OH GOD AETHER'S DEAD???!! "

BC I WAS LIKE LEVEL 14 VS. ITS LEVEL 36

Talk about an all-knowing creator god 😭😭

Thatd be so embarassing if they remembered that 💀 aether would literally bring it up all the time to get to me

AMBER WOULD PITY ME AND HAVE SYMPATHEY NOO

♧

Then later on in Liyue, theres a chest underneath these guard statues hidden by a bush right? And one of those Geoculus star things too, and i have my compass out trying to find all the Geoculuses(?)

And Im like, " ok towards the statue??"

THEN I JUST PLUMMET- AND I IMMEDIATELY INSTINCTIVELY LIKE, SO HEARTBROKEN AND DISTRESSED SOUNDING "nOPLEASENOTAGAIN- oh, ohhh my godd" my heart was racinggg i literally sighed and I sat there for a minute breathin heavy 😭😭

My team wouldve had a heart attack and field day with me doin shit like that, theyd be like

"This our god? This you?"

Aether has so much blackmail on me 🥲

☆

If I had a mora for everytime I fell on a boss monster in Genshin Impact, I would have 3 mora.

Which isn't a lot of mora, but it's weird that it happened three times.

Cheers,

💀♒️

(we updated the logo bc im stupid and didnt realize i couldve been typing that the whole time)

♡the beloveds♡

Srry figure it was close enough id tag yall anyway

@karmawonders / @0rah-s / @randomnatics / @glxssynarvi / @nexylaza / @genshin-impacts-me / @wholesomey-artist

147 notes · View notes

theguardianace · 1 month

Note

hi what he fuck was that rui barking video about /silly. it was so out of the left field i almost jumoped out of my chair

it's from rui's new 2*! if i could find an upload of it i would have already made a summary post. but alas.

so basically. part 1 is him trying to clean his room at like 11pm or something. yknow like a time where he definitely should not be trying to clean his room. hes actually trying to sort things out by need and discard when he comes across an abandoned dog robot prototype. he'd given up on it all that time ago because he didn't have the skill to get it to move realistically, but after making phoenix robo for tsukasa... well, he might as well give it a shot!

so he abandons cleaning his room and finishes the bot. and its genuinely really good. too bad he finishes it at 3:30 in the morning. whoops.

part 2 is him inviting everyone to his garage to see the dog. they have a pretty reasonable reaction to seeing a genuinely lifelike small dog robot in rui's garage! tsukasa comments on how the only thing detracting from the realism is the fact it only has one "arf" noise. rui, being rui, is like "wow wouldn't it be nice if i could get some sound samples to upload....." and then stares at them like :3. tsukasa's like "you better not be asking us to bark for you." rui keeps staring at them like :3

yeah and then they do that. i saved the video because it made me actually sob it was so funny. i also immediately sent it to every discord server im in and to my irl who doesn't even play this game.

#ace answers an ask!

9 notes · View notes

hatsunerandal · 1 year

Text

part six of my playlist analysis!!

part 1 <;- part 2 <- part 3 <- part 4 <- part 5 <- BACK TO THE SOUP WITH YEE

la seine - vanessa paradis no fucking clue what theyre saying but lockwood does idk he just knows french i feel it in my bones. he taught lucy the girls part and they sing it together. he didnt tell her wtf it meant hto and i think thats funny.

merry go round of life - nuvo orchestra THEY DANCE TO IT IN THE KITCHEN LATE AT NIGHT WHEN GEORGE IS ASLEEP SO THEY DONT WAKE HIM WAILS SOBS CRIES. father - the front bottoms do i remember lockwoods canon relationship with his late father? no!! have i decided he has daddy issues?? yes!! (other than his dad being. dead. yk) young girl a - siinamota go look up the english lyrics. have fun. :) a match into water - pierce the veil we've seen how protective lockwood is of lucy, now what if someone almost killed her? think about that for a little bit smile. faster car - loving caliber this is about to give some people fucking WHIPLASH. im not even gonna explain this one cuz i wanna see how many people get it. its only sex - car seat headrest this song is just me projecting onto lockwood so im not. gonna vent here LMAOO laugh till i cry - the front bottoms more lockwood being reckless after lucy left? methinks yes. meteor shower - cavetown (i dont support or even like cavetown all that much i just have an emotional attachment to this song dont kill me please) RHHHGHGHGHFH THIS SONG IS SO CUTE ITS SO THEM ITS SO DOMESTIC AND SILLY JUST IMAGINE IF THE PROBLEM DIDNT EXIST AND THEY COULD GO OUT INTO A FIELD AT NIGHT (if they lived somewhere were feilds existed obv) AND LOOK AT THE STAIRS IM ACTIVELY SOBBING. ribs - lorde this song puts me into an immense state of grief everytime i hear it because it has one of those "nostalgia for something that never existed vibes" and i cherish it so dearly for that and it just gives them vibes. it fits their trio so well (i love holly but she doesnt exist yet here). alien blues - vundabar this is self explanatory i think. come a little closer - cage the elephant this one is similar to ribs for me. where is my mind - the pixies soft nighttime vibes reading together before snuggling up and going to bed <33. its ok i wouldnt remember me either - crywank lockwood thinking about death and how much he has to work with death just knowing jess is right there :( its one of those days when he just cant. get out of bed. luce and george always help him through those days, but its still hard.

memento mori - crywank same thing slightly different font. creature - half.alive uhh fuck you [throws religious trauma at lockwood] my alcoholic friends - the dresden dolls angry lockwood, but not anyone in particular, just angry at the system and the way it treats kids. because its a fucking nightmare and i hate the government. two birds - regina spektor owie owie owie norrie and lucy but the one who stayed didnt have a choice :(. i love you so - the walters rrhhfhhfhfhfhd angst angst angst theyre both feeling like their to much so they both start distancing when literally all they want is to be in the others arms but they cant because theyre afraid. goodbye, my danish sweetheart - mitski i love this song sm its so lucy idek why its just. her. cigarettes & feelings - the haunt absolutely locklyle skirting around talking about their feelings for WAYYY to long. perfume - lovejoy ouch lockwood constantly smelling lucys perfume wherever he goes after she leaves, he sees her shadow everywhere, thinks he sees her out of the corner of his eyes, but shes not there. its all futile! its all pointless! - lovejoy lockwood and his suicidal-ness just thinking for to long about how long he has to live and how hard it will all be. ramblings of a lunatic - bears in trees lockwood ranting to lucy late at night with her hands in his hair just listening to him talk about random shit but theyre together so its ok. snakes - mccafferty i have a slight mccafferty problem can you tell? i dont even know it feels like another just 'them talking' song. the house with no doorbell - mccafferty this entire song is so lockwood coded i will die on this hill. drop from our windows - mccafferty same as the last one. fentanyl - mccafferty i dont actually really know for this one i just think its lockwood vibes. water fountain - alec benjamin what lockwood thinks is gonna happen if lucy hangs out with kipps LMAOO. this is sorta a joke but hes genuinely scared that kipps is going to steal her from him. nights like these - pigeon pit another lucy-and-lockwood-are-both-having-breakdowns-and-panic-attacks-but-seperately-wishing-they-could-be-together type beat. little lion man - mumford & sons lockwood thinking about jess -> could also be lockwood thinking about how he drove lucy away after she left. trees II - mccafferty jesus i have a mccafferty problem. 'i need you more than you need me' NO YOU BOTH NEED EACHOTHER AND YOU DONT RELAIZE IT BECAUSE YOURE TOO BUSY BEING SCARED OF OPENING UP TO THE OTHER ONE DAMMIT. twin size mattress - the front bottoms yk i had to. lockwood is an angsty lad we know he aboslutely loves tfb. aesthetic? (more like ass-pathetic) - panuccis pizza lockwood you sad sad little man. internet ruined me - wilbur soot OK I KNOW. WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. but the actual sound of it gives lockwood vibes. not the lyrics but the sound. first love/late spring - mitski this is such a lucy song come ON its so her the whole 'i was so young when i behaved 25'??? literally her. helium - glass animals its just. its so them. also kinda feels like george watching their relationship unfold and being jealus vibes WHICH IS WHY I PROPOSE QPR- [gunshots] https://open.spotify.com/track/2BlDX1yfT0ea5wo0vjCKKa?si=32f77e7933024562 <- link because i dont know japanese!! this!! song!! if you where on anime tiktok at anypoint in time you know it and you know why its here.

1983 - neon trees dancing in the kitchen vibes. little talks - of monsters and men this song makes me so distraught but its another situation with talking to the moon (bruno mars) where its lockwood talking to himself in his room, pretending hes talking to lucy. and the series goes on!! we're more than halfway through tho :D part 7 here we go!!

#lockwood and co #locklyle #lucy carlyle #anthony lockwood #george karim

3 notes · View notes

pub-lius · 2 years

Text

my thoughts watching the john adams series as i eat an uncomfortable amount of granola: dont tread on me 🥶🥶🥶

“you are here now 🥰 and you are safe 🥹” “uh… *leaves*”

1777 is my favorite year of the revolution tho, it was so slay ngl (totally not saying this just for von steuban)

i think john and abigail adams is good example of 18th century gender roles, where the man’s job was politics in government and the woman’s was politics in the community like social standing and all that. however it must be acknowledged that there was tension between them over these roles bc of how often john was away, which was kind of abnormal, likely bc john played so many diplomatic roles, much more than other men

“if i were a man, id be in the field of battle” idk why this made me sob. abigail knows so much about the war and what the soldiers go through, but she can only act vicariously through her husband, when this implies she really wants to do more ☹️☹️☹️☹️

IM ADDING LIKE 15 CHARLES ABUSE POINTS FOR THE SCENE WHERE JOHN AND JOHN QUINCY LEAVE BC FUCKING OWWWW charles abuse 1-15

john adams: VOMITING - john quincy: tu es 🥳 il est 🫣 elle est 🤨 je suis 🥶

omg the naval fight scene FUCKED ME UP the first time i watched it. i was like “omg his leg- OMG HIS L E G-“ and my dad was like “yeah thats what happened when you get SHOT DIRECTLY IN THE LEG WITH A CANNON”

ik this guy is having his leg chopped off and all but im just like “omg a good representation of 18th century medicine 🥰”

so uh… anyone want a granola bar?

OMG PARIS PARIS PARIS DHWJWHWJ they did it so well every time i see a scene in paris i piss my pants /pos (tmi but its that good)

bro who even liked ben franklin??? everyone who worked closely with him seemed to hate him or just tolerate him. like he’s funny, but damn bro. then again, the people i have in mind aren’t known for getting along with others, so maybe its that

i hate rich people but 1770s french aristocratic fashion… 🥵 (IM KIDDING IM SORRY DJSBWJWBWN)

“how is your french?” “uh… oh pas très bon…” “ah, that is easily remedied. you must either attend the theater or take a mistress” “DOCTOR FRANKLIN-“ me asf

im so shit at french, i cant even make fun of john

the whole quote john says about “i must study politics and war so my sons can study philosophy and shit so their sons can study music and whatever” is actually pretty dope. good one johnny

“he’s worked it all out” LMFAO I LOVE THAT GUY

OMG ITS LITTLE BABY LOUIS MY LITTLE MEOW MEOW omg you cant tell me he’s not ace, he’s literally wearing purple

he’s fr me tho like. “hello dr franklin!!! you have sex!!!! weird!!!! hello other guy!!!! …😐😑😐 you don’t speak french??? 🤨 not a word??? 😕… HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA bye *flutters away*”

is that vergennes? if its vergennes i’ll shit myself rn to fully understand what its like to be an absolute BABY

BEAT HIS ASS FRANKLIN BEAT HIS ASS

oh it was vergennes. i guess im going to have to shit myself. (i fucking hate vergennes so much he’s so annoying)

string quartet 🥺

D’ESTAING????? OMG LITTLE SCRUNGLY JEJEHWWBJ such a flirt too like bro keep it in your pants

who is this other guy?? who is he. he looks like my uncle. wait is that. who is the doctor. he’s a doctor. the bloodletting guy, he’s related to the schuylers. the surgeon general who is he. HELP ME WHO IS HE????

john quincy is smarter than his dad at like 12, i’ll give him that, but what is that haircut 🤨🤨🤨

OH NO OH NO ADAMS DONT GO IN THERE NO ADAMS FRANKLINS NAKEY DONT GO IN THERE NO DONT DO IT PLS STOP PLS NO JOHN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hes dead

“i have been left kicking and writhing in the myre” you’re what 🤨

he’s right about franklin tho, he’s a shit legislator

child abuse 1: verbal abuse @ nabby who never did anything wrong.

fr tho john is being highkey negligent of his family at home like. bro you don’t have to write to your wife about politics???? just tell her you’re okay tf, she’s worried. this pisses me off as someone with a dad who couldn’t see me all the time for his work and still went out of his way to be there. so yeah, fuck you, john. fuck. you

oh god the netherlands negotiations 😒 its so painful to watch

also the dutch architecture slaps just as much as the french

“*CHOKING AND DYING*” “are you will” “*STILL CHOKING* im fine” 🤨

YAAAS SLANDER HIM FRANKLIN SLANDER HIM!!! 🤩😌😊😊🤪🥰😒🥰😜🥸😊😊🤩🙂🤪😜😒🤨

“..do you mean… have i failed here as well?” yeah, actually.

child abuse 2: sending j.q to russia when he doesn’t want to and also with that bitchass haircut

was that a duty and inclination reference 😨

#john adams #john adams series #historical drama #EW BLOODLETTING IM GONNA FUCKING VOMIT I CANNOT WITH THIS SHIT JDHDKS

18 notes · View notes

just-my-fandom · 5 years

Text

Disappear (Sam Wilson x Reader)

Request; Can we have some Sam Wilson? Sam turns to dust in readers grasp and then they reunite five years later and turns out she was pregnant during battle so they now have a four year old kid? Something happens years after, maybe the reader has cancer or heart problems and its her turn to leave?

I am no longer putting warnings

_________________________________________

You felt like the wind had been knocked out of you. You haven't seen your husband since the fight started. You were pinned down by an enemy and by the time you were back on your feet, he was gone,

Your feet brought you across the field, eyes searching for Sam, or at least, a teammate,

You run a hand through your dusted hair, breaths quick as you look left and right, swiftly behind you, then forward,

"Sam?" You raise your voice against the yelling, eyes searching for any signs of the man you married just months before, "Sam!"

You catch gazes with a dark skinned man, his uniform worn out from the battling and scars visible against his skin color,

"Sam," You breathe out, deeply, running up to meet his arms and hearing him grunt in pain,

"Hey baby girl," He exhales, arms around you carefully, "How're you handling?"

"Just cuts and bruises, what about you?" You lean back, looking up at Sam, and he smiles weakly,

"Pretty sure I broke my wrist," He answers quietly, and you cup his head, dragging his lips down to yours,

"Please stay safe. In case we split apart again," You beg softly, and Sam chuckles despite the blood trickling down his ear,

"No can do baby girl. You're staying with me," He takes your hand in his, kissing the back of it through your gloves,

"I'm okay with that," You smile, pecking his lips once more and releasing his hand, turning around to get back into the battle,

"Y/N," Sam's sudden call for you causes you to look over your shoulder, body fully turning when you find dust blowing off into the window,

"Sammy?" You swallow, looking around a second time, "Sam this isn't funny!"

"We've won!" A enemy stands up, grin wide, "Let's get out of here,"

You step back, swallowing thickly, tears pricking in your eye's, "Rhodey!" You spot the man, running up, "Where did Sam go? Did you see him?"

"He vanished too?" Rhodey frowns, and you pinch your eyebrows together, "Vanished? What do you mean-?"

You instantly spot Bucky falling forward and disappearing into ashes, a sob racking in your throat as you realized the same had happened to Sam,

"We got to get out of here," Steve takes your arm, noticing your tears and knowing that you, too, had lost one of the teammates, "Come here,"

His voice drops to a whisper, dropping his weapon to pull you into his chest and allow you to break down, "It's okay,"

You press your ear to his chest, listening to his thudding heart, eyes pinching shut as sobs racked your body in trembles,

__________________________________________

Another round at the toilet, your hand clutches into a ball at your shirt- Sams shirt- attempting to ease the burning pain in your stomach,

You gargle a cup of water and spit it into the toilet, leaning back against the wall and shutting your eye's, waiting for the test on the tub side to finish its results,

When you open your eyes and hold the test in front of your gaze, your body shuts down, sobs blocking the sound of your bedroom door open and hands covering your face,

Fingers pull your hands away from your eye's, Natashas voice is soft whispers as she sets the positive test to the side, pulling you against her so she could soothe you,

"Why him?" Your voice breaks as you finally open your eye's, Natashas fingers in your hair as your head rests at her shoulder, searching for comfort,

"I dont know," Natasha murmurs, eyes staring at the test, "But I'm going to help you take care of your baby, okay? I promise, Steve, Tony, and I all will all be here for you,"

__________________________________________

"Come on Natasha, answer the phone,"

You look down at your phone from your spot in the compound, sighing heavily and hanging up as you are left on voicemail,

"Mommy?"

You look up at a young girls voice, her brown eyes shinning as she padded over to you, holding a stuffed animal given by Thor, "Are you okay?"

"Yes," You sigh, and lift (Daughter/Name) up so she is sitting in your lap, "Im just waiting for Auntie Nat to answer her phone,"

"No need," You look over your shoulder towards the compounds doors, Natasha and Steve stepping in with four others behind,

"Good, you guys are okay," You breathe, setting (D/N) down and standing up, "How did it go? Were you able to bring them back?"

"Tony died saving everyone," Steve breathes out, your lips tugging downwards as he mentions your childs godfathers death,

Your eyes flicker past Steve, meeting the brown eyes that left you five years ago,

"Sam," You exhale, walking up to him and pressing yourself to his suited chest, "Oh thank god you're safe,"

You shut your eye's, Sam cupping your head and pressing his lips to your hair, "Hey baby girl. Im right here,"

You lift your head, Sam holding both hands to your face and directing his lips to press against yours warmly, your own lips tingling at the missing sensation,

"Im right here," He murmurs, leaning back and kissing your forehead longingly,

"Mommy?" (D/N) repeats her call, Natasha picking her up and walking her over to her parents,

"(D/N), hey," You pull her into your arms, and turn to Sam, "Sam, meet your daughter, (D/N),"

"I have a kid?" Sam asks, tucking hair behind (D/N)s ear and getting a good look at her face. She had his eyes and teeth, along with a combination of your skin and his, and your nose and lips,

"I found out three days after the battle," You drift your eyes between your husband and child, "I couldnt go back into battle until she turned two,"

"Im so proud of you," Sam rests his forehead to yours, Natasha smiling at Steve,

____________Time skip again yayy____________

"On your left," You open your eyes and glance to your right, Sam slouched in a chair next to your hospital bed with (D/N) curled to his chest

Sam opens his own eyes and turns his head to look at you, the now seven year old in his lap shifting before fading back to sleep,

Sam cracks a smile, placing (D/N) on the couch next to him, and he sinks down onto the bed at your side,

"How're you feeling, my love?" He asks quietly, careful to press a hand to your face and draw a thumb across your cheek,

"I'm dying," You exhale, "Aren't I?"

Sam heaves a breath through his nose, taking in the tubes in your nostrils and how your breaths were wheezed despite how calm they were,

"You are," He answers after a moments silent, "But I'll be right here with you until the end,"

"Please," You smile, holding your hand over his and leaning into his fingers, "Take care of our baby for me,"

"Of course," Sam moves down, lips slowly moving over yours. Your hand slides to the back of his head pulling him closer if possible and whispering I love you against his mouth,

"I love you too," His voice breaks as he leans away enough to where his lips fanned against yours, "I always have baby girl,"

You close your eyes in exhaustion, hand gripping his tightly in your lap so his thumb could brush over your knuckles, and Sam takes this last chance to stare at your peaceful face,

"Sleep, darling. I'll be with you soon enough,"

When the monitor goes dead, your hand going limp in his, Sam brings your hand to his lips and holds it, allowing one more touch before resting your hand on his chest, shifting off of the bed,

He lifts the sleeping child off of the couch, who whimpers at the sudden movement, eyes flickering open,

"Dad?"

"Go back to sleep, baby girl," Sam murmurs, shutting your hospital room door shut, "Momma wont be coming home with us this time,"

#sam wilson imagine #sam wilson x reader #sam wilson #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers #peter parker x stark reader #peter parker imagine #peter parker x sister reader #peter parker x reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #tony stark imagine #tony stark x reader #tony stark #rhodey #falcon

327 notes · View notes

fanfics4all · 5 years

Text

The Northside Serpent: Part 19

Request: Yes / No

Request are closed <3 Have a nice day/night

Sweet Pea x Keller!Reader

Word count: 1638

Warnings: Just a bit of sadness

Y/N: Your Name

Summary:You’re Kevin Keller’s little sister when you’re mom left to go to war and your dad started cheating (I’m making it so he’s been cheating since season 1) You started rebelling; dying your hair, getting a nose piercing, tattoo, and hanging out on the southside.

A/N: I was gonna put this with the next part, but I think it would be way too long if I did so this is its own part!

PLEASE DO NOT STEAL MY WORK, I WORK HARD ON MY FICS AND IT’S NOT COOL TO STEAL SOMEONE ELSE’S WORK!

If you want to be on the tag list for anything (My series fics, specific character fics, or just all of them) All you have to do is send me an ask and I will add you!

1, 2, 3, 4,5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18

Masterlist

(Not my photo, credit to whoever made it!)

I woke up to the sun invading my eyes. I opened them and moved my hand over my eyes to protect them from the harsh rays of light. I looked around and saw I wasn’t in my room, I was outside in a field. I sat up and looked around at the green grass with white flowers mixed in. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion, this definitely wasn’t Riverdale. I looked down and saw was in a white dress that I totally wouldn’t wear.

“Where the hell am I?” I asked standing up and looking around still.

“Not quite.” I heard a voice say and I looked around for the source.

“Hello?” I called out when I didn’t see anyone.

“Hello.” I heard the voice say again, it was a woman.

“Where are you?” I called out.

“I’m right here.” She said and I turned around. I jumped back and stared at her shock.

“Whoa! Give a girl a little warning.” I said.

“Oops, sorry.” She said with a kind smile.

“Who are you?” I asked looking her up and down. She was so beautiful. She had long blonde hair, pale skin, and piercing blue eyes, she was also wearing a white dress, it was longer than mine.

“My name is Evangeline, and you’re Y/N.” She said and I backed away a bit more.

“How do you know my name?” I asked a little freaked out.

“I know everyone who comes here.” She said with a smile.

“Where is here?” I asked.

“The Inbetween.” She answered.

“The Inbetween? What the hell is that?” I asked confused.

“People who are one the brink of life and death come here. I help to decide if it’s time for them to move on or not.” She said.

“Brink of life and death?” I asked quietly and she nodded.

“Do you know what happened to you?” She asked and I thought for a moment.

“I-I was shot…” I said as tears filled my eyes. She looked at me sadly and nodded. She looked at my stomach and I looked down to see my white dress was stained with red.

“Now that you remember, we need to see if you should go back or not.” She said.

“Of course I’m going back!” I shouted.

“It’s not that simple. We need to see if it’s truly your time or not.” She said.

“Who the hell are you to decided that!” I growled at her.

“Well, I am an angel.” She said and I raised my brow.

“Where are your wings then?” I asked.

“We don’t have wings.” She said and I rolled my eyes.

“Whatever, just send me back.” I said.

“It’s not that simple.” She said with a sigh. I growled but before I could say anything we heard someone groan in pain. I turned around and saw a familiar beanie.

“Jug!” I shouted and ran up to him. He was beaten bloody.

“What happened to you?” I asked kneeling down next to him. He was wearing a bloody white t-shirt, shorts, and black sneakers.

“Penny and the Ghoulies.” He said weakly, that when I noticed he had a patch of skin missing.

“Those fucking bastard!” I growled and Jughead chuckled.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

“You sound like Sweet Pea.” He said with a small smile. I smiled and then he tried to stand up. I helped him and he looked at me.

“Wait… You’re dead…” He said and then looked around.

“Where are we?” He asked.

“The Inbetween.” Evangeline said appearing next to us. Jughead looked at me and I shook my head.

“We’re on the brink of life and death apparently.” I said and that when Jughead noticed the blood stain on my dress.

“Who’s that?” He asked pointing at the girl.

“My name is Evangeline, I’m an angel. I’m here to help decide if your time is truly up or if you go back.” She said.

“Yeah, I told her to send me back but she said it’s not that simple.” I said and rolled my eyes.

“It’s not.” She said.

“Then how do we get back?” He asked.

“Take my hand, both of you.” She said and held out her hands. Jug and I looked at each other and shrugged. We each took one of her hands and suddenly we weren’t in the field anymore. We were at Betty’s house. She was sitting on her bed crying her eyes out.

“Please be okay Juggie…” She sobbed.

“Betty…” Jughead said with frown. He tried to walk over to her but Evangeline pulled him back.

“You can’t interact with the living world.” She said.

“Why not?” He asked.

“You are not living or dead. You are here but if you go to her and touch her, you will make contact. Your decision hasn’t been made and you will mess will the natural order of the world.” She said and Jughead sighed.

“Fine.” He said and looked back at her.

“I can’t leave her or my dad.” Jughead said.

“Your dad?” Evangeline asked.

“Yeah, they need me. The Serpents need me.” He said and I gave him a small smile.

“You know getting yourself beaten to death broke your promise to me.” I said with a small smirk.

“Actually, I did it so the Serpents, including Sweet Pea, wouldn’t get killed in a war.” He said with a smirk of his own.

“Alright smartass.” I said rolling my eyes with a smile.

“I think I’ve seen enough to make a decision to make Forsythe’s fate. Your turn Y/N.” She said and held her hands out again.

“How’d you know my name?” He asked and I sighed.

“She knows everyone’s name that comes here.” I said and grabbed her hand. Jughead looked at me and I shrugged. He sighed and grabbed her hand. In the blink of an eye we were in a hospital room. I saw me lying in the bed with tubes in me. I pulled my eyes from my body and saw my father and brother sitting on either side of me.

“Come on hun, I know you’re a fighter…” My father whispered and kissed my hand. He had tears in his eyes, he hardly cried… Kevin look at him with sad eyes and then back at me.

“It’s been a few days dad, maybe… Maybe we need to let her go…” Kevin said and let a few tears fall down his face.

“No, she’s a fighter. She’ll make it. She has to.” My dad said and looked me, he also let his tears fall. It broke my heart to see them like this. I went to walk close but paused when I was at the end of my bed.

“I’m sorry…” I said to them and closed my eyes. I felt someone touch my shoulder and looked up to see Jughead.

“At least they know you’re still somewhat alive. Sweet Pea thinks your dead…” He said and my eyes widened.

“Why?” I asked shocked.

“My dad came to the bar on riot night and told us you were dead.” He said and I stared at him shock.

“Why would he do that?” I asked.

“My guess, to get the Serpents on board with fighting the Ghoulies, or to protect you. Or both.” He said and I looked back at my body. I felt another hand on my shoulder and Jughead had one on his too. We looked up to see Evangeline. She looked down at us and then past us. I looked in the direction she was looking at and saw Sweet Pea sitting on the floor of the Wyrm with other Serpents.

“Sweet Pea!” I called and went to run over to him. Arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me against the person. I looked up and saw Jughead.

“You can’t touch him, remember.” He said and I looked back at Sweets

“Hey Sweets, you need to eat.” Toni said walking up to him with soup.

“What’s the point…” He said.

“Come on dude, you haven’t eaten anything since the fight with the Ghoulies.” Fangs said sitting next to him.

“Because I should have died, but you to just had to fucking save me!” He shouted at them, causing the other Serpents to look at him.

“We weren’t going to let you die…” Toni said.

“You should have! At least I would be with Y/N right now!” He shouted.

“She wouldn’t want you to die.” Fangs said and Sweets shook his head.

“I have no reason to live anymore… She’s gone and nothing matters anymore…” He said and tears fell down my face. It broke my heart even more to see Sweet Pea so broken.

“No, Sweets I’m right here!” I cried trying to get out of Jughead’s grip.

“He can’t hear you.” Evangeline said.

“You need to send me back! I need to save him before he does something stupid!” I begged her. She looked at me and Jughead pulled me in for a hug.

“I’ve made my decision for both of you.” She said and grabbed us both. We were back in the field of white flowers. Jughead and I pulled apart and looked at her.

“You are both very brave and care for both friends and family alike.” She said and we nodded.

“It’s not your time yet. You will return to your lives, but you will not remember any of this.” She said and motioned her hand in a magical way. A white mist appeared in an arch shape and she smiled at us.

“Be careful.” She said. I ran u and hugged her.

“Thank you.” I said and she smiled. She pushed the two of us just in front of the misty arch and we grabbed each other’s hands. We walked through and then there was darkness…

Tag list: @54fangirl @southsidehufflepuff @xrosesareredx @cvvlxx @skeletalwolfcat @demigodofthesun @depressed-octopods-art @nalayrene @yourfavouritefuckup @staygoldsquatchling02 @sataninsatin @im-socialy-awkward-no-joke @dark-night-sky-99 @aframeofbones @jojokoko0717 @nixdunbarhale @wanderlust-and-poetry @theyouthfulmoon @seasiren96 @nixdunbarhale2 @misskarynie @emo-godess-loves-you @a--smallgirlinabigworld @ohlookmybed @everheart12 @sailorsolar12 @screamxqueenx94 @sweetpeas-serpent-princess @genius2050 @dylpickles1267 @notreallyamundi @xdsockmonkey @les-bio-lie @tashy-bear @xrosesareredx @herokyolachan @ashwarren32 @hollie-blogs @schisbro87 @lover-of-books-and-teas @nerdygaloresposts @alex--awesome--22 @teenwolfbitches2 @genius2050 @drw0301bieber @tigermillionaire-philanthropist @marveloverdcsstuff @hiya-imthatgirl @answer-the-sirens @mindsetjupiter @averysinclaire @mittelerde1999 @sweetest-peas @rousewriter @jjkingston @k-is-cray @camiconfessions @thecaptainsgingersnap @staygoldsquatchling02 @wanderlust-and-poetry @hiighdeex3 @ayeitsjaz @mysticrebelwerewolf @tht1wrdo @thegirlallthebadguyswant @skeletalwolfcat @scarrasco1325

#riverdale #riverdale imagine #riverdale season 2 #sweet pea #sweet pea x reader #sweet pea imagine #sweet pea x fem!reader #sweet pea x keller!reader #kevin keller #kevin keller x sister!reader #sheriff keller #sheriff keller x daughter #betty cooper #betty x jughead #jughead jones #toni topaz #fangs fogarty #fanfic #the northside serpent

139 notes · View notes

eddiespagheds · 6 years

Note

can you please do “i don’t want to hear your excuses anymore” and “how fucking dare you” for the angst prompt thing?? i love your writing and i’ve been craving some good reddie angst. tysm!

oKAy so 1. THANK YOU IM SO GLAD YOU ENJOY MY WRITING💞💞 2. i am SO SO sorry that this has taken so long to come out i just wanted it to be really goOD!! this is sad as shit and i’m so sorry about that, but like aNgSt ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i don’t have a title for this and i rlly rlly hope you like it !!! (its 1560 words) also also big thanks to loml dipstopher for readin through it for me!! @ass-gardiann

————————

The summer of ‘84 is when it all seemed to go wrong for Eddie Kaspbrak. He had come out as gay, and told his best friend, Richie Tozier, that he was in love with him. The Losers were very accepting of him, and a few others in the group have even come out at gay or bi since then, but Richie (being the bisexual disaster he is lmao) didn’t talk to Eddie for an entire week after he told Richie about his feelings, and things haven’t been the same between the two since then.

That was about two years ago, and more than just Eddie and Richie’s relationship has changed since then. Eddie became a star runner on the varsity track team, and he has only remained friends with Mike and Ben because they were also on the track and field team. He hadn’t spoken to the rest of the Losers since he became “popular”, only sending them awkward waves as he walked down the hallway with his girlfriend Great Bowie. Yes, the same Greta that used to make fun of Eddie and would call him a stupid fairy.

Now, he didn’t lie to the Losers when he came out at 15 years old, quite the opposite actually, he was lying about his sexuality now in fear of the response that he’d get from those around him, that they would do what Richie did.

It wasn’t that Eddie didn’t miss the Losers, and that was obvious because of how often he asked Mike and Ben how they were doing. The rest of the Losers missed Eddie just as much as he missed them, but they all knew that Richie would have to be the one to solve the problem. Both boys seemed to be absolute disasters without the other. Richies bad smoking habit only got worse, and Eddie’s anxiety worsened. No matter how upset they were they both knew, deep down that they needed each other to feel complete.

It was a cold day in Derry, and it was only getting colder as sundown approached. Eddie had stayed late after track practice, so he could get a few more laps in. Running cane so natural to Eddie that he never had to think about what he was doing, so he normally thought about whatever was stressing him out which was usually Richie, school, his mom, or all three. Today he was thinking about how Greta had broken up with him for some cooler guy that was on the football team, and Richie because Ben had told him this funny story about how the taller boy fell while attempting to learn a skateboard trick. He smiled, thinking about the grin that Richie probably had plastered on his face after the fall, when he stepped in a rock that he hadn’t noticed and tumbled to the round.

“Aghh” He yelled out in pain. He was sure that he had sprained his ankle. He couldn’t just sit there on the grumpy track, so he picked himself up and began limping to the empty locker room to collect his things, whimpering every few steps as he walked out of the building and begun making his way towards his house when he heard a voice he would never forget.

“Eds?”

The annoyingly wonderful nickname that he hadn’t heard in what felt like forever, and hearing it now made his heart break more than he expected. He froze hoping that if he just ignored it, Richie would go away, but he knew that wouldn’t happen, and deep down, he knew he didn’t want it to. Eddie turned around to face the boy that broke his heart by denying his young heart years prior. Tears stung at his eyes, and he wasn’t sure if it was from the throbbing pain his ankle was exerting, or the overwhelming amount of emotions he was feeling. He slowly turned around, cringing at the amount of pain he was feeling throughout his whole body.

“Eds holy shit are you okay?”

It may have been two years since they had last spoken, but Richie was yet to forget anything about Eddie, knowing fully well that he wasn’t okay. Eddie on the other hand, wasn’t aware of this, and believed he was doing a rather good job at concealing his feelings.

“Yeah, I’m fine, and don’t call me Eds, Richard” He spit our Richie’s name as if he was disgusted by the thought of the other boy, though he wanted nothing more than to be held by him.

“Sorry…Eddie.” He let out, his voice cracking at how much he was hurting in that moment. Eddie was about to walk away, not wanted to deal with the problem he’s avoided for so long anymore than he already has.

“Wait, let me drive you home at least! You can’t walk with your ankle fucked up like that, it’ll only make it worse.” Richie practically yelled out, not wanting Eddie to leave. No matter how hard he tried to put on the facade of someone who didn’t give a fuck, it would almost always falter when it came to the people that were important to him.

Eddie pondered Richie’s offer, knowing that he was right, but he unsure if he was mentally prepared for the awkward car that would be ahead of him if he agreed. After a few moments Eddie finally spoke up.

“Fine.”

The whole car ride Eddie tapped his foot to the loud, nostalgic rock music that Richie was playing while Richie thought up the perfect apology because he couldn’t let Eddie slip out of his hands for the second time. They pulled up to the Kaspbrak house, and Eddie placed his right hand on the door handle to exit the vehicle when Richie placed his large hand over Eddie’s left. Eddie froze not sure how this next conversation was about to play out. Richie took a deep breath before finally speaking.

“Eds I am so sorry I ever hurt you, I just didn’t understand you, my feelings, or anything really. I never meant to hurt you i just-“ Richie was speaking at a rapid pace, but somehow Eddie was able to grasp onto every word. He cut him off when he had finally had enough. He wasn’t sure what was going to come out next, but he didn’t care. He was finally going to let out all of the pent up anger he had let build up.

“Stop it Richie! I don’t want to hear your excuses anymore!” Eddie wanted to be mad, he really did, but that was extremely difficult since he could see the sincerity and utter sadness in Richie’s eyes.

“Eddie I am so sorry, for everything I-” He stopped, the two boys licking eyes. Eddie didn’t speak because he knew that Richie clearly had more to say. “I-I love you Eddie.” He was finally able to choke out what he had been feeling since he was a child, but Eddie only shook his head in disbelief.

“How fucking dare you. What makes you think you can hurt me the way you did, not speak to me for two whole fucking years, and then come back into my life as if nothing happened. Literally so much has happened Rich. You made me cry alone in my room for weeks on end, making me feel like I shouldn’t be who I am. I thought that if anyone were to accept me, it’d be you, but I was naive to that it would be okay in this shitty town we live in.” Eddie was sobbing at this point. His words were full of anger and they mushed together. “You made me feel like…like I shouldn’t love you. Like i couldn’t be your best friend.” Eddie softly let out that last part, half hoping Richie couldn’t hear him over the sounds of his sobs and heavy breathing.

Richie heard every word though, his heart breaking a bit more as he spoke each sad word. Without thinking, Richie unbuckled his seatbelt, and reached across the vehicles, pulling Eddie into a tight embrace, sobbing himself.

“Eddie, I am so sorry I made you feel that way. You don’t deserve that, I just didn’t know how to deal with my own shit. It was never you. You’re perfect Eddie.”

They sat in each other’s arms, crying until Eddie realized that he should get inside before his mother came out looking for him. They separated, looking into each other’s sad eyes for what felt like a lifetime. Richie reached up and wiped away Eddie’s tears with his thumb, and it was just as warm as Eddie remembered. A few years fell down Richie’s face as he admired Eddie’s gorgeous features. He had a feeling Eddie was about to walk out of his life for the second and final time.

“I am so sorry Eddie, and I hope that one day you can bring yourself to forgive me.”

More and more tears began to stream down his pale face he watched the love of his life step out of the car and walk into his house without looking back. Richie sat in his car crying for thirty minutes, not leaving until his vision was finally clear enough for him to drive, not knowing that Eddie sat crying in his home watching him the whole time.

perma taglist: @wlwrichie @eddiehoney @kingsteve-more-like-dadsteve @trashmouths-love-to-cuddle @puzzlin

#reddie oneshot #reddie fanfic #reddie #eddie kaspbrak #eddiek #richie tozier #angst #it 2017 #it movie

19 notes · View notes

somedaypast-thesunset · 6 years

Text

this was a really confusing shitty moment for me in my life, to be honest.

i feel kind of vindicated but i dont? it’s really hard to seperate some of what he’s saying and maybe its just really hard to accept “it is what it is”.

i dont feel like he loves me but i have the freedom to “feel like” he loves me while finding someone who does actually. like - no. i mean. i dont know. i dont know. i guess none of it matters. but it does because i now have this person in my life but like do i have this person in my life? to what capacity? am i allowed to have friends i see everyday? what are they to me?

should i just go to work and come home and ignore all of it.

i guess the whole thing is to stop questioning it and just let it be what it is but i dont know i dont get it.

i guess also right now especially for the past 6 months ive been doing nothing. and my friend tried to kind of praise me for all these little accomplishments and it’s so trivial and what shoul i believe you know is my brain chemistry this way did trauma scar how i’d function an i have to work to train it differently?

i’ve literally not cared at all and kind of depended on him to give me a purpose which is unhealthy but when you put really high stakes like a persons will to live then you kind of feel the need to stick around.

not that that summarizes why he would have me in his life but it’s an added stresser to being in someones life.

he’s leaving though. he’s just leaving. i wont be going with him. he said, “well you said you’d follow me and i want you in my life. you can do what you want.” i asked, “how can i possibly follow you? like i’m a seperate entity just following you around. we’ve never explained the logistics of when i’d have any opportunity to be apart of your future”

to which he replied, “we’ll always be seperate entities. but i don’t want to feel like i’m dragging you with me or being weighed down in a responibility for you.”

i “get it”. i couldn’t explain like - would i travel in the same fucking vehicle as you? or am i just responsible for getting myself place to place? like this is something i would be willing to commit myself to because not a lot of people would want to do someting like this or dedicate themselves to it and i’ve lived an unconventional life by the means of other people and i think it’s fair to be able to choose to live one by the means of myself.

no matter what, i have to improve myself though. but i guess if i thought i was “leaving” i would take different steps in my self improvement to prepare for a different journey in the long term.

i spent two years kind of on that precipice. self improvement can happen at all stages in life in many ways and when you can see the journey you’re going to take, you can prepare.

i know that if i continued to be in his life in any way while trying to better my life, it would be detrimental to the process because once he leaves on his “i dont know what i’m doing with my life journey” i’m probably never going to talk to him again simply out of spite and complete disinterest. like i know i will be so internally hurt that i will choose to just never talk to him again. i would never talk to my oshawa ex again. like if he tried to talk to me and tell me about his life which we already tried to do - i dont care. i literally just dont care. why the fuck do i care getting random ass phone calls or texts from you about your life? you are not like some long term friend. okay to ME i would choose not to be long term friends.

why? because i never got what i wanted or needed from that person for whatever reason we stopped our initial closeness for so why should i maintain an interest in their life?

if he leaves with no care of how i’d logistically be in his life if i chose to follow him i would not have gotten what i wanted and needed from this relationship.

can i get that or should i just let it go? i guess i’m really at a “should i stay or go now” situation. will staying result in the same thing as the going now result but just taking a longer time to get there? or will i eventually communicate something to him that shows that i want to make an effort.

i feel stubborn. i feel like i know exactly what to do and how to do it and if i “wanted to” i could probably stop a majority of these really lazy and fruitless wasted efforts of “life” things. like just laying around. i can’t prove that to him without making an effort to actually do that in a significant way but if i move the mountains of my depression to make an effort that still leads to the same outcome because i was never logistically accounted for even as a guest so any effort i made would never lead me to be prepared.

like what if i just got rid of all my things? gave up the cats? worked my ass off and saved every penny for two months? but i’m just ... left here. then i’d had mde these “life improvements” to no greater gain but like.. momentary satisfaction which leads to just replacing my shit with money i saved and regretting the fate of my cats because i’m super lonely.

what if i keep the cats, slowly work on getting a little part time job, “go to yoga” - what do i get from his support of me doing this in that moment when it eventually leads to the same result whre i’m left behind and i get phone calls and pictures and messages about what he’s doing and i have to pretend like i care when i was just left behind without any real care but i have a job and i “go to yoga” so my life is “improved” and i guess makes it all the more easier to not give a damn about something thats so obviously unhealthy to begin with. how can i be in his life?

i guess it’s kind of funny. maybe i was projecting my own feelings on to him and i guess it’s not something we regularly consider to be in my thought capacity but like, does he think i would care about him in this scenario? i don’t give a fuck what my distant ass relatives are doing with their time. that’s like a brief phone call every two years for me.

i think i was really mentally unprepared to enter this situation tonight. i also think i was thrown for a curveball because i had negative expectations which didn’t play out like i thought it would and in some ways it was kind of positive. but because i was mentally unprepared i reacted in the way i would react in any overwhelming scenario - it’s panic and sobbing. i guess since i have more questions that this could conceivably extend to a second part of hanging out. but like i cant ask can i come along ill do this and this without presenting the proof of even the ability to produce anything on that level. i’m literally just saying believe in me, i can do this. like”give me a shot on the field coach, i’m ready”. i suppose i can ask outright can i come with you because i think the phrasing “ill follow you” is too vague.

all of this says i still want to be with him and right now in these really overwhelmingly stressful times i have literally no idea why i woul an can’t even recall anything of merit he did that dictates that i should “follow” this man anywhere.

you know, regardless, i need to “get a job”. there is “nothing wrong with” getting a job. im literally just putting air quotes because i’m upset it “leads to nothing” but really it is a postiive to just get a job even if i dint give a shit about the money. but the i’d also have money. and my life would improve.

is it unhealthy to talk to him to help make myself more comfortable for a second in person meeting where i can pose such questions? i mean i cant ATLEAST be a sobbing mess. the question is difficult enough to pose.

is this even a thing i want to do to make myself happy? just essentially follow this person’s whims as they try to rediscover themselves? it’s romantic and adventerous and stupid an crazy and i guess it makes me feel like if i cant conjure this up in myself because i just dont have the passion towards the multitue of experiences in life and wouldn’t seek them out myself then maybe i can follow someone else?

i do love him, a lot. it’s really hard to cut off communication with him; i want to talk to him. i want to explore my newfound freedom of communication with him. like i feel more comfortable now that i’ve sai what i wanted to say. like i think it was the worst of all i could say. and i am now an embarassing sobbing gross mess so like where can i go from here.

it’s really hard to just focus on myself. i know how to be alone but i dont know how to love myself. i think im a heavily flawed person both inside and out and i think alot of my behavior does badly effect the people i’m aroun and it can become like a chain reaction where it effects one person and then everyone close to them. but im stuck in a loop - i hate myself too much to “help myself”. to put in the effort i need to do to make my life better. i was not just programmed to hate myself but i began to loathe the behviors i coul see that were programmed by them so the hatred grew stronger.

that hatred is now the core definition of my character and when i interact with anyone or anything or try to do anything, this character takes over and with blatant disregard fucks my own attempts at doing better. but it’s still me. i still have to reprogram these behaviors that come from such deep hatred of myself. an theyre so large and so deep - i dont care about how i live or how i’m going to eat or feed myself or what quality of food i eat, i dont care about keeping up my own personal hygiene, i dont care about the fact i put up with completely out of the norm situations by living here, i dont care about any prior interests nor do i care about building new ones. i watch endless amount of “informative” programs as if that’s somehow better. like it justifies me spending like.. most of my waking hours doing this. its “educational”.

i essentally live like a crackhead and i dont even do hard drugs. there is a reason i am here and i could very well have him apart of my life to better fulfill the level of self hatred i have to put myself through something i wouldnt have to experience with someone else. i want to feel like shit. i put salt in the wounds. i poke the bear. i make the wrong moves to get the wrong reactions so i can continue the cycle.

how can i improve? do i live in the now or do i plan for a “better tomorrow”? i mean - i guess as a human i just have that choice and it’s whatever works for me. maybe i can choose what kind of person i want to be. do i want to be a live in the now person or a better tomorrow one? is living in the now compulsive behavior? is planning making me better prepared or rigid/comfortable in routine? maybe it puts restrictions on the expecations of myself? like i feel especially shit so i plan for low energy things when i had the ability to achieve more? it’s like why do the work when i’ve already planned the “easy way out”. it could take a bit of both but whats the right balance?

i want to say like i’ll do this and this tomorrow but maybe it’ll lock me in and i wont want to do that but i couldve done something else but instead i’m bummed i dont feel like tackling those tasks today.maybe it’s just a general knowlege of things that could be done in any moments.

when i was a kid i dropped 50lbs because i was tired of being fat and put myself on a strict but okay diet. like i still got decent nutrition but i was just tired of being fat from overeating and i just ecided to stop and i did. this is one of the crowning moments in my battle against self hatred. now its used once again in my self hatred but on the opposite spectrum.i have a lot of battles to face and some of them ill hve to face multiple times before i beat them.

it’s really an odd feeling to have to forcefully make myself accept that i’m going to do better than this while kind of begrudging the idea. like i have no false hope that people tend to have when theyre like ‘oh im starting this diet im really excited about it’.i’m not excited about the prospect of facing these battles because my self hatred’s uphill battle (instead of the disgusting collapse of everything you are) of “self love” is filled wit humiliation. could be another battle i have to overcome but i’ve already faced enough humilation for the year. ill still do it but im sad it will become a lingering cloud.

i guess the one thing i can do in planning for a better tomorrow is to only allow myself so much time to think about the relationship stuff. or lack there of. or maybe its there. i dont know. whatever it was/is we parted ways with a hug and i love you so no matter how much time i take to think about anything, it’s open for me to have a positive experience with him. it’s going to be beneficial in all ways to break the habit of thinking about him or anything “we” could do together. we loved eachother and the overwhelming feeling is that no matter how mch time i spend thinking about it or asking questions its probably not going to work out. sometimes that happens. the sooner i put it ou of my mind, the sooner i can just get over it and move on to the next era of my life with new/different people. i was already doing that in some ways before i stepped into all this.

i guess i feel weird as well because he offered to pay for a month of yoga classes. i dont think that gives me the drive to go to it. i ca definitely see myself not going just because its cold. i can also see myself hating the people who attend a yoga class and choos to be involved in the community surrounding yoga. it’s not really my type of vibe. but if i turn down that; which coulve been as simple as going to a yoga class, then i should probably produce something on level. but maybe it was a way to get me involved in his positive activity so we could manage positive experiences together. to prove i could come through.

i am ready to interact with people i’m just not ready to have that sort of interaction. the weirdness of group stretching. i think it’s okay if yoga is a private practice i dont pay for.

lets not forget i taught myself how to draw and entered a community i knew no one in a few years ago. i had the initiative once before.

0 notes