#I'm in medical limbo help me

[enthusiasticarsonist]

rant incoming everyone ignore me ✌

#i used to get really really sick like every week and i had so many missed school days and i was still an above average student #and now I'm medicated and i missed like four days in six weeks which is a giant thing for me but i stayed home last thursday #and i have to stay home today as well because I'm just so overwhelmed and i can't do this today or i will lose my mind #i told everyone i have a migraine and it feels like i do but not in my head but like...emotionally? like an emotional migraine idk #and i feel so guilty and bad cause i won't be there to help present a group project and I'll miss even more spanish but i just can't #do it today i can't #and i know that it isn't a bad thing and last year i couldn't do it for weeks and now it's just one day but i still feel like I'm giving up #idk i feel awful about it since i probably could've forced myself to go but i don't want to have a burnout again #fuck I'm not even catholic why do i feel so much guilt for avoiding to suffer #also i took my meds already and when I'm not productive on them I'm stuck in a very weird limbo of stress time that creeps incredibly slow #and pure panic #so yeah idk fuck i guess

[reds-skull]

Thank youuu

I love them too, I'm thinking of having them as a big brother/little brother duo maybe?? Anyway here's them buying tea for the base like stereotypical Brits

Ok first time I read this my heart melted because it's so sweet :]

I keep thinking up aus for mw2, but they're all too complicated for a one-off comic, and I just finished a series so I'm not doing another one for the time being. But I had a superpower au for them, that I'm gonna explain under a read more because I know it's gonna be long lmao

But before that thank you for everyone again! I read all your lovely comments and they warm my heart <333

SO in this au, some people gain powers the first time they die. The powers are based on how they died (also when they die they meet these cool eldritch beings called reapers that have a little chat with them to decide if they're worthy of those powers).

Soap died from an explosion. Got blown out of a building. So his powers are explosion resistance and creation. His fingertips are always on fire because he's practically blowing the air around them all the time.

Gaz fell off a helicopter :( so now he can manipulate gravity, either objects around him or himself. He also floats a few inches off the ground most times.

Price was kinda hard for me to decide but I ended up making him die by abandonment. Now he can telepathically communicate with people.

And Ghost... he died in that coffin. Got pulled out by a reaper and received the powers to control limbo, the space between life and death. He's not authorized to use them unless he's alone, so he gets sent on solo missions only, until Price recruits him to the 141.

That is, until he pairs up with Ghost.

Before being recruited to the 141, Soap mainly defused bombs. Since, even if it's too late, he won't die. Thing is, Soap still gets hurt. His bones get crushed, his heart stops, his limbs get torn apart. He does heal, but the worse the injury, the longer it takes.

That made him kinda depressed. Because he felt like a glorified bomb robot. Except he's cheaper, since it doesn't cost the military any money when he fails to defuse on time.

Ghost isn't immune to bombs. He himself doesn't enter limbo, since that traps anything alive.

He and Soap go on a mission where intel suggests the enemy has rigged various explosives around the intel they need. They split up, Soap goes to defuse them and Ghost slowly makes his way through the facility.

And Ghost does help him. But he treats him like he would a regular, non-powered human. Stops when he's in too much pain, encourages him through it. Does his best to stop the bleeding.

Ghost completes his objective, but Soap gets spotted by an enemy and detonates the bomb he's working on to save himself.

Ghost find Soap after he fails to sitrep, impaled by a rebar. He whimpers and begs Ghost to help him off it, since he can't heal.

Because Ghost sees him as human. He watched as Soap kept trying to make jokes with him, but more importantly, how he treated him no differently from anyone else.

Soap, for his side, isn't used to that... gentleness. And that's how his interest in Ghost begins.

They exfil and return to base. A few months pass, and Ghost keeps an eye on one Soap MacTavish. Looks through his medical records, past missions. Finds out just how much he suffers through.

But Ghost isn't his commending officer, so he can't do anything. Until he's approached by his captain, John Price. He brings up the option of adding a new member to the taskforce. He gives Ghost the candidates he considered, Soap was brought up, Ghost stops him and states that he would agree to a new member if it was Soap.

Now if I had like, better writing abilities I would have absolutely written this as a fic. Butttt I don't and even if I did, I don't have confidence in them so I won't. But this idea is now out there and you can do whatever you want with it.

Also I got like a lot more sketches of this au but I only posted the ones I made for the ask.

#call of duty modern warfare 2 #cod mw2 #cod fanart #cod ghost #cod soap #cod gaz #asks answered #john soap mactavish #simon ghost riley #kyle gaz garrick #sorry this took a while uni really kicked me while I was down #it's getting better tho #also if more ppl wanna request you can always want i dont mind #revenant au #<new name

[briarpatch-kids]

hi! do you have any tips on talking to doctors/PTs about mobility aids?

I definitely got way better results talking about how I want to live my life and a mobility aid would help a lot. Have a goal like "I want to be able go around my house instead of moving from bed to couch and nothing else" or "I want to have an active life in school and a mobility aid would make that possible" because in a doctor's mind mobility aids are usually a last resort. (Even though they aren't) Your goals should be less, "I dont want to be in so much pain" and more "i want to live an active life or i want to go to college/start or stay working/engage in student life and I think a mobility aid will help that" because "less pain" is a vague goal that will make more ableist doctors worry that you're "giving up" or that you'll live a sedentary life and end up sicker than you would have if you didn't have the mobility aid. (Which is probably untrue. Very few people want to sit around and do nothing.)

If you're undiagnosed, pitch it as a "in the meantime" thing, meaning like, you want to figure out what's going on, but you also don't want to live in limbo just waiting to get better. I got my first wheelchair by telling the doctor that I'm tired of waiting for a diagnosis and wanted to stay in college while we tried to figure out what was going on. All of that is true, but by then I also knew that whatever was happening was degenerative, and I probably wasn't gonna ever be able to go back to "normal" like the doctor thought I would.

If they want you to do PT, do it. Give them the same goals you gave your doctor and try your hardest to work on them. A lot of times things like "I did the exercises you gave me but they made me worse" are actually important for the PT to know because it can help narrow down what WILL help and will help them come up with realistic goals for your therapy. Also, physical therapists are the ones who usually determine what kind of mobility aid you need and will send you to things like a wheelchair evaluation if you need custom mobility aids.

The custom mobility aid process in the US is usually doctor -> physical therapy -> wheelchair evaluation with PT and DME provider -> durable medical equipment company for specs -> insurance fuckery and approval -> ordering -> delivery or pickup and maybe a seating evaluation plus adjustments. It takes like 6 months plus, so try and get a rental standard version of what you need while you wait)

[lilhub]

So. What's up with the duplicate statues in Eden?

If you've played Sky: Children of the Light and gone through The Ascent, you may have noticed these statues:

And you'll know that the Vault has the same exact statues:

Now the question we're asking here is why.

Of course, I have a theory in regards to it that ties into a couple of other theories, but it's gonna be long and probably a little complicated, so buckle up.

TL;DR will be at the bottom of the post for a simpler(and less all over the place) explanation!

Now, I'm going to start at the beginning with something that may seem completely unrelated:

Take a look at the top of this broken building in the Battlefield.

Does it look familiar? It should.

It looks like the vault masks.

That's odd though, isn't it? The Vault Elder is, well, the Vault Elder. They belong in the Vault.

To that I say: what if they weren't always there?

What if that building used to be their temple?

Almost every other Elder has their own building that serves as their temple and little else; why would the Vault Elder be any different? They're certainly just as important as every other Elder, so why would they be singled out?

Some more evidence for the broken building being an Elder's temple?

Look here, in The Seed's spirit memory:

The spirit was a medic that treated and aided soldiers on the battlefield, and this displays them in a Medic's tent. Where? In the broken building.

Other than it being the arguably safest structure aside from the Vault, there's...no real reason for it to be here of all places. They could have had it anywhere else; this is in the thick of the fighting, after all, the entire map is called the Battlefield for a reason. But there's a reason it was here.

Why?

Well, the Elder's temples are sacred. They're holy places, not to be trifled with, even in the midst of a war, they're like churches. And what was guaranteed if you took shelter in a church?

Sanctuary.

Unfortunately, this doesn't guarantee its outside will be particularly safe from conflict, especially toward the end of the war. Survival began to matter more than walls, I suspect, and it's clear from the Lookout Scout's memory sequence that even then, this place was broken down; potentially from Dark Dragons, potentially from the Ancestors. Unfortunately, we currently have no way of knowing for sure.

On the topic of placements and symbolism in the Battlefield map, though: there's also all of this imagery of the King leading up to the Wasteland Elder's temple.

Let me suggest to you the following as an answer to why:

Eden was not always the primary residence of the King.

Before you grab your torches and pitchforks, hear me out. The Eden Castle was not always there, and this is explicitly shown in the Aurora concert during Warrior, but also the fourth quest in Season of Passage:

No castle.

Now, what does this mean for the King? Well, logically they should have them residing in the otherwise safest place in the Kingdom—like, perhaps, a Vault.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Let's go back to the statues.

Many theorize that they're graves, due to the fact that there's one in each temple and when you sit, you're taken to the respective cutscenes that feature the Elders in their limbos. I disagree.

I think they were communication lines. Every Elder will need to contact one another at some point, and other than the Windpaths, there's really no shortcuts through the realms; thus, the statues function as telephones in a home network, if you will. If one person picks up the line while others are having a conversation, they can listen in as well.

Who needs to have a way to contact every single Elder?

The King.

A ruler needs to be able to conveniently contact the others that help them run a kingdom, especially at a moment's notice, and phones don't exactly exist in the Kingdom. Thusly following the path of logic here, wherever the King is, there should be each statue for each corresponding Elder.

Once the castle became the primary residence of the King, now that the Vault Elder was no longer close by, there was a statue added to the arrangement; this also explains why it's just sat in the middle of them instead of up with the rest.

There is one other thing, though.

What's up with the Wasteland Elder?

After all, if the Vault was the primary residence of the King, and the statues support that, then why and how does the Wasteland Elder come to inhabit that building?

I have a few thoughts on that too.

Let's take a look at the Wasteland Elder, for starters.

They look like a soldier. Which is no surprise, really, seeing as they were in charge of what is now the Wasteland, and the war that seems to have primarily taken place there.

I have another thought though.

The King needs a guard, or more accurately, the Prince does. Sure, there is plenty of power when you are the King, but before that they was a Prince, and there are always precautions that should be taken with the future ruler of your Kingdom.

From what little we see of their character, the Wasteland Elder is protective. Defensive. Willing to do anything to safeguard what lay beyond that gate. They had to learn from somewhere. That instinct has to come from somewhere, because they clearly have worked themselves to the point of absolute exhaustion in their efforts to safeguard that gate.

To this, I ask you: what better protection is there for a Prince than a Star?

Of course, once the Prince becomes a King, and Eden is more than adequate as a safe spot for them, this Star needs to be put somewhere else.

And the Wasteland still needs a protector. After all, the Dark Dragons at this point must be becoming a problem, and Darkstone production is likely growing larger and larger by the day; the people need someone to keep them safe and reassure them that all will be okay.

Who better than a Star that already knows everything about protection and defense? Who has the necessary experience? Who has likely had to manage other guards that helped protect the Prince?

TL;DR: Before the fall of the kingdom, while the King was still a Prince, before the Castle was built the Prince resided in the Vault. And before the conflict in the Wasteland, the Vault Elder's temple was the broken building we now see in the Battlefield. This explains both the King imagery leading up to (what is now)the Wasteland Temple(which also doubles as the entrance to the Vault) and the symbol atop the broken building that resembles the Vault masks.

During the period of time before the Prince became the King, the Wasteland Elder was assigned as their protector, explaining their intense need to defend the Vault 'til their last breath. Afterward, once the Prince becomes King, they are reassigned as the Guardian of the Wasteland, charged with overseeing its people and the Darkstone production taking place there.

Because of the fact that the King resided in the Vault and the Eden Castle, there are versions of each Elder's statue in both places due to them potentially being communication lines instead of graves. Or, at least, they used to be communication lines and were turned into graves for the Fallen Stars after the Fall of the Kingdom. This also explains why each statue takes us to that specific Elder's limbo space; they still, technically, function for their intended purpose.

Of course, this is all just one huge theory made up of a bunch of smaller theories and doesn't have the greatest evidence but. Alas! I am prone to overthinking details in the Funny Light Game.

#sky children of the light #sky cotl theory #sky theory #skyblr #is this my brain doing the pepe silva meme? SOLID MAYBE #but alas I cannot help it. I see Odd Things and desperately search for Explanations #of course this very well could be the devs reusing assets for. whatever reason. I have no clue why #but for now it wORKS #sky children of the light theory

[is-this-yuri]

I’m really, really sorry to have to tell you this, but you will not get SSDI in a matter of months. Not only is that incredibly rare and only for the extreme cases, but the SSA is backed up to Hell because of covid.

I applied BEFORE COVID and my case is still in limbo. I’m on my third appeal. It will have been 5 years since I applied come this August. I have not worked a single day and my permanent condition has worsened and they are still giving me the runaround.

I’m not trying to scare you or discourage you—absolutely apply, but do it with a disability attorney this time. They work on contingency only, and will only take money from the backpay the government will give you once you’re approved (backdated to the date of application). They are probably the only people who can navigate the purposefully-confusing forms and deadlines and expectations and I have never heard of a case being approved without an attorney attached.

In the meantime… buckle up. Make contingency plans. Be prepared for this to be years of brutal survival before you make it out to the other side.

I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there. It is just going to be a longer period than you initially expected 🧡

i'm at a similar timeframe as you, and i think the main issue has been the lack of medical records since i've been going into the process completely without those. apparently the SSA wants to know ive been in treatment with no improvements for at least a year, and if i can prove that i'll be much more likely to get approved.

i also have a case manager helping me with the paperwork side of it, and we're discussing getting a lawyer for me. i'm going to really need all the backpay i can get, so that's going to be a last resort.

of course i'm trying to be hopeful and generous with my estimates because while im confident i will eventually get approved, i'm genuinely worried the wait will kill me. so, maybe i live in a bit of a fantasy to keep me going. that said, i don't think it's that unrealistic to think this could be the one

my only contingency is hoping people are generous enough to support me while i wait, because i truly have no other options.

#asks #ive literally been on the crisis hotlines three times today #cant stop crying every couple hours #probably had a lengthy panic attack #so yeah i know this and im trying not to think about it

[squishe]

the spicy part of being disabled and growing up medically neglected is that i have such a hard time accepting thar i'm actually disabled and it's not just in my head. like i realized when i was 10 something was wrong with my back and pointed it out to my mom (who knew i struggled with back pain), and she basically just told me it felt normal to her. three years later i was diagnosed with scoliosis that had progressed too far to do much for. i was talking to my friend today about how like i get super dizzy when i stand up too fast or for too long and my heartrate soars 30-50 bpm and i should probably get it checked out bc it's probably pots but it reminded me how i used to complain about it as a kid and my parents would act like i was making shit up.

now i'm in a weird limbo where i know some of what's going on with my body and i know that i technically "qualify" as disabled (not that its a competition or anything) but because most of what i'm diagnosed with isn't very severe and the more severe symptoms are things that i still don't understand the source of it's just so. strange. i hesitate calling myself disabled and asking for accommodations i need even though i literally shouldnt. like when my mossfriend offered to push me in a wheelchair through a museum because i was in too much pain to walk around everywhere it was so hard for me to tell her yes because i felt so ashamed? like i'm fine i shouldn't need this help even though i do

idk it's really rough. i have a really weird and unhealthy relationship with my disabilities and don't know where to start unraveling everything because there's so much trauma

#disability #actually disabled #fibromyalgia #scoliosis #medical neglect #idk what to tag #im just having feelings dont mind me

[brightgnosis]

Well shit ... Apparently my Husband was called into the Office at work today, and nearly got suspended for his points; we thought he was only at 5, and that taking off the day I had to go into the ER would only put him at 6. Instead it put him at 8- which is when you get suspended for a couple days without pay.

His boss is, thankfully, a fairly decent guy, however (a lot of higher ups at the Warehouse, save a couple, are, though, Baruch HaShem). And they all know I'm disabled and he occasionally has to take off to care for me- and that's where the vast majority of his points have come from since we met in 2013. So when he explained the most recent issue, his boss was like "Oh! You know you can take Family Medical Leave, right?".

We did not. We had no idea that was an option ... Or, rather, we knew FML was a thing, but we didn't know it could be used for something like this, in a manner other than "taking off for an indefinite amount of time to act as carrer". But apparently it can basically be sporradic use as well? So they knocked off his last 2 points for him (putting him down at 6 where we thought he was originally), and gave him the paperwork for FML so he'll be protected in the future if he has to take off to care for me some more.

Honestly this is one of the reasons we're scared about the Kroeger merger. Because our Warehouse is so good, and the company itself is really one of the better ones we've ever worked for- not to mention our Warehouse itself has consistently ranked one of the best in the country for the company ... But Kroeger has such a horrid reputation for fucking over its employees and cutting corners, and being uncompromising, and overall running its company like shit from the ground up. We're terrified of losing stuff exactly like this; the benefits, the mutual Humanity, and the culture of genuine understanding and desire to help that we have.

They've already tried to kick me off his insurance (literally making us REprove our marriage and requalify) in the process of trimming, in preparation for the merger. And I hate that. We could lose everything, and it's kept us in this absolutely horrible limbo for a year now while we wait to see if it happens- and, past that, if it does, how badly Kroeger's going to fuck us all over when they take control.

#Personal #Alphabet Soup #Fresh ER 2 for 1 Deal #2024 #Piriformis Syndrome #Sciatica

[pb-dot]

Peebs Vent: Mental Health Care

People who follow this lil' blog with some regularity may have picked up on the oh-so-subtle theme of Peebs having some Mental Health Challenges. These days, I'm basically in some sort of treatment limbo since my last therapist retired, and we basically got to the point that he doesn't really know what to do about me anyway. So, as one often does with problems that people don't know the answer to, I've escalated it up to the public healthcare service. Around here, this is usually a good thing since these services are pretty good at establishing a goal-oriented treatment plan and getting people through that.

People with average or better reading comprehension may have noted that I said it's usually a good thing, and I say this because for me it hasn't really worked out so far. You see, the poor dears don't seem to know what to do about me either, as one consultation to establish the abovementioned plan turned into two and now three, and I have no real idea about how long this is going to go on.

This time around, the psychiatrist who I spoke with questioned me about what I'd do if I got the message that they couldn't help me. This one is a particular fear of mine, and I spent some time explaining why, how I find life teetering right on the brink of the unmanageable, and how I need something, anything really, to be wrong that can be fixed because I don't see myself surviving in the world as it appears to me, and frankly I don't see anyone else doing it either.

It's pretty grim stuff, and I find myself wondering if I should change track a bit. It is true that I find myself relying on something to change, for someone to figure out my medication situation, for someone to help me with the goddamned anxiety that makes social interactions with all but my closest friends a nightmare, for someone to help me manage the dark thoughts and compulsive need to be a people pleaser, for an employer who isn't perfectly content with letting me work myself into burnout again.

I'm not asking for the world on a platter here. I'm asking to be provided with the tools to ensure my own survival and good health. Nobody has to help me pull myself out of this hole that the years have dug in my psyche, just get me a rope and I'll do it my fucking self. Mais non. No can do. We're really flummoxed by this whole "hole" situation despite our business ostensibly being holes (phrasing?)

So I've been thinking, maybe it's time to stop thinking of this as an existential threat to myself. If nothing else, maybe reframing it a bit would help with the anxiety. Parts of me already think of this attempt at getting me into treatment that actually does anything as Society's last chance to avoid me turning into a Problem. I don't like taking up space in other people's lives or being any kind of problem or bother, it's a bad habit that years of anxiety and being somewhat of an outcast might get you, but maybe it's what's needed here.

I could be quite the problem if I put my mind to it I'm pretty sure. I come from a long line of stubborn farmers and even more stubborn bureaucrats, and I don't exactly think I'd be easier to deal with if I stopped pouring all this anger and disappointment into myself and started turning it outward. Is it reasonable? Maybe not, but it's not exactly great for me to internalize it either and that hasn't stopped me before.

So, I ask myself. Why not. Why not become a pain in the ass? Why not make my problems into the world's problems. Why not become disruptive and stubborn and pour my every waking moment into making dealing with me in a quiet and painless way impossible? I wouldn't change anything I'm pretty sure, but it's not like my current approach is doing any better in that regard.

This isn't to say I look forward to my villain era, such as it is. Truth is, I don't particularly want to, mostly because being a disruptive asshole sounds both emotionally and mentally taxing, but also because I just find my temperament not vibing well with that kind of thing. It's not a perfect solution, but I guess it's at least not wanting to bring harm to myself? I suppose that is something.

Either way, I'm not done with these endless assessments, so there's always the hope that I end up actually getting some help. In related news, there's always the chance I'll win the lottery.

#peebs thinks #gripes #mental health

[sag-dab-sar]

Update

Okay so. They found at least two leaks. Which means my path to getting life semi-back is moving forward. At least a life where I can sit up and do things.

However, the test to find them involved a lumbar puncture like-procedure. And well, my spine did not like that. I had to go to hospital ER by ambulance and be admitted. I've been discharged but am still not doing well, this is by far the most painful experience of my life. I am including all surgeries & migraines when I say that.

So I'm also not particularly thrilled to learn exactly what they want to do to my spine to fix it since the mere idea of them going anywhere near my spine is now a giant fear.

The Gods seem to be answering my prayers (and all of those who have prayed/done spiritual work for me 🤍) with this CSF leak situation but life still has so many intense curve balls it can throw at a person. I wasn't expecting such a drastic reaction to a test.

Right now I'm attempting to deal with doctors to get someone to answer me about the negative side effects of the test and it seems everyone wants to throw their hands up and say "not my problem." And the one group of doctors that was willing to do something (ER) got told not to by a particular department from a different hospital , so when I called that department after being released.... they said they can't do anything because I'm not a patient. ...isn't healthcare dandy?

I'm in limbo in the worst medical situation of my life. The most painful, most confusing, and most unknown.

I know I don't need a health deities altar, but I want one. .... too bad I can't even sit up or look down. And not due to migraines like normal, this time my spine just literally doesn't want to do it.

Any prayers, spells, happy vibes, etc are still very much appreciated, I've felt the Gods by my side through this and give credit to my loved ones and strangers who are "spiritually helping" me so to speak

#spine adventures #thank you to all who have thought of me / prayed for me / etc #okay to comment 🤍 #its as if they touched my spine and my spine was just so offended at their audacity that it decided to get big mad #my whacky life

[transenbyconfessions]

I'm in a period of gender limbo. I'm 27, have identified as genderfluid/nonbinary for about a decade, but I'm now starting to wonder if I'm ftm trans. I've always been the kind of person who enjoys being called by masculine or neutral pronouns, and have only recently feeling weird about being called feminine pronouns. I've even asked my husband to call me by gender neutral terms instead.

I'm also considering top surgery because my breasts make me feel uncomfortable and dysphoric when I look at them. I have intense hormonal issues that force me to take estrogen (which I've also been taking for a decade, if I don't take it I get so sick I almost have to go to the hospital) I'm not sure if taking testosterone would be a risk and/or if its even necessary for me. Anyone have any insight to this?

My husband is all for me helping me become comfortable with myself, but we don't live in a first world country so he has to remind me that if I do want to transition it may take a long time to get to that point. Medical tourism does exist here, but the minimum wage here is comparable to $7usd a day. Needless to say, saving up for top surgery may take some time.

Thanks in advance tumblr. Stay safe out there.

#transgender #trans #enby #nb #nonbinary #non-binary #non binary #genderfluid #trans masc #transmasc #trans masculine #transmasculine #trans man #trans boy #transgender man #transgender boy #trans guy #transgender guy #ftm #afab #questioning #gender dysphoria #dysphoria #chest dysphoria #top dysphoria #top surgery

[whmp]

in case you're just here for the good stuff, i'll be tagging my personal ramblings as #whmpersonal so you can avoid em BUT this is tangentially related to the game project i'm working on, so stick around i guess? tl;dr: i'll probably make a more coherent post where I ask ppl for help (especially artists). also, i'll be more attentive and answer your asks faster, hopefully. : )

anyway, after a bit of a "review" of my creative process (and i guess my uhh way of living in general?) i've noticed that it's a huge clusterfuck. and that it has been since i was a kid. without some external pressure or an imposed structure (like deadlines, parents or strongly worded emails) i just sort of relied on random surges of productivity to carry me through life. on one hand, it's kinda fun: most of the time i'm not doing anything valuable and then all of a sudden i condense weeks worth of work into several sleepless days during which i feel like An Immortal Unstoppable God. lighting bolts shoot from my fingertips, my eyes glow in the dark, and my caffeine-to-blood volume ratio is hovering around 1.

unfortunately, it's not really sustainable. the "not doing anything valuable" stage that takes up most of my time is not me just chilling. it's me freaking the fuck out about not doing anything despite wanting to and finding myself just. not able to. not to mention that some things just need minor, but constant maintenance - at best i'd just forget about them and face the consequences later on. at worst i'd be acutely aware of them while procrastinating, clueless as to what's wrong with me.

couple that with a couple other unhealthy habits, a microscopic attention span and wow, i fit like all the criteria for adhd. i gotta admit i was super sceptical at first when doing any research, since, well. how the fuck am i even supposed to gain any unbiased insight into this. anyway, i spent a stupid amount of money on an official diagnosis (seriously why is this not covered by insurance gsygx), it took a million meetings and tests and i get a piece of paper that says i have add and deserve some medication.

this has also made me realize that i'm spread out super thin when it comes to projects. i love every single one of them, but im going to have to be a bit more realistic in terms of what can remain in "when it's done" limbo and what needs a bit of a push. the whump game is unique in that it's not just me who wants this to eventually get released. so! what this means is that it needs a proper, project structure. not a .txt on my desktop where i keep a backlog of missing features. but must important of all, it needs ~*people*~. this is the first time i took a step back and estimated how much time everything would take me and yeahhhh i was being very optimistic when i said "playable build in 2023" lol. i've been hesitant to ask for help bc 1. i'm stubborn : ) 2. im bad at coordinating stuff 3. i can't pay ppl - like seriously, there is one person making a model for me (if you're reading this sorry i didn't ask if you want a tag but this is just a personal post where i keep yapping) and it's looking so clean and professional,,, you gotta sell this as an asset.

HOWEVER im getting past the mentality of "i gotta do as much as i can by myself". and also taking meds so that im able to focus on tasks (both gamedev-related and others) and actually pay attention to what im doing. which is great news for development! and answering asks! ill be making a dev post where i tag all the ppl and will also ask for help.

that's it. im on a train rn and bored out of my mind so this is why this post exists, sorry. anyway check out this screenshot of a moment in clone high that i relate to deeply.

#whmpersonal #<- this is the tag #isn't it creative like wow i had to think about it for a couple of minutes #not tagging it as whump dev since it's just me rambling #I'm so bored you don't even know #this train is already late by like an hour??? god #shout out to łódź fabryczna gotta be one of the ugliest train stations known to man

[transinatrade]

Life Update (It's Bad)

On Saturday my partner was in a car wreck. He is okay but the car is total so we're in the limbo of waiting on insurance to assess the car and come to an agreement on how much money we'll be granted from the wreck. Since it's still in development I'm not sure what else I can (or should) say.

I'm currently shopping around for a personal injury lawyer in case insurance does not cover another car and his medical bills. However, both our insurance and the other party have been incredibly helpful so we doubt it will come to that.

What does this mean for me in the trade? Well, a surprising amount. I do not have school on the weekends so I didn't have to try to figure out a ride Sunday, but today and yesterday was another story. Since I do not have money for ubers, and they generally don't run early in the morning, I've had to use public transportation.

Public transportation is one of the scariest things a lone trans person could traverse. The current trans panic makes this fact 3x worse. I'm scared of being clocked as trans and followed, robbed, or even taken. This fear began a couple years ago when I took the bus and a man hassled me about my gender (my voice hadn't dropped quite yet). He was under some sort of influence and asked me my gender. I told him but he was not satisfied with my answer. He began grilling me, almost hysterical with his accusations. He called me "baby boy" and "lady boy" and grabbed my arm twice to get my attention when I tried to ignore him. Thankfully the woman he was with along with a man who was standing nearby intervened and I was able to slip away from the situation. I do not know who that man was that stepped in but I wish him the best. I hate to think of what could have happened if they hadn't been there.

Yesterday and today were thankfully incident free. I believe it is because I pass way better than I used to. However, I can't help but worry. A family member offered us a car to drive but it won't be ready until the 21st. I have one more day of riding the bus to school and one day of riding it to work. Hopefully it remains incident free. I will update if anything happens.

#trans #transmasc #transman #tradeschool #transgender #ftm #transrights #transgenderfirst #lgbt #lgbtq

[countlessrealities]

⚖️ 💚 if you’re still accepting these!

Scrapped / on pause / WIP ideas meme || No longer accepting.

⚖️ something stuck in limbo

I still haven't fully decided I want to be my default scenario for the verse where my Evil Morty leaves the Curve. The show recently gave us a peek of where he's been living and what he's up to, and I really liked the little fortress he has built for himself xD Though, I also always had the idea of him wandering around constantly, travelling freely across dimensions. Not just harvesting the stuff he needs, but also as an explorer.

For now, I'm leaning towards the idea of combining the two things, also because it makes it easier for people to interact with him in that verse. So, basically, he'd have a base of sorts where he returns to when he feels like, but he'd spend most of the time travelling.

💚 for a coming idea that still needs development

A portrayal element for this one too! Just as with Morty's anger issues, I've been making references to AR's bad mental health in his bio, in some threads and while talking to a few RP partners, but I've never really delved into it.

One of the reasons why I've been a little hesitant is because I want to be serious about it, and not make it seem like I'm treating it as a "quirk" the character has. He suffers from psychotic episodes, which are both the results of trauma and of the accident that killed his Beth. While I need to do some extra research on the medical part (yeah, yeah, it's not strictly necessary, especially the anatomical parts, but what can I say? Professional bias), I think that the thing that would truly help me figure it out would be having the chance to write about it. I have a general idea of how AR acts during his episodes, but it's not the same as actually having found a way to put it black on white.

Still, due to the nature of the subject, I can't exactly go around and ask people if they wanna write it >.> So...I guess I'm trying to develop the concept more before fully fleshing it out.

#[ ooc :: mun scotty on comm ] #lostinyourfacade #[[ sorry this is late but ]] #[[ I kind of ran out of ideas for the meme 😅 ]]

[normal-with-adhd-is-a-joke]

The fact that desperate, impoverished disabled people are being recommended MAiD is personally upsetting at this point. If I encountered the person who proposed the bill only one of us would walk out alive. I'm fucking furious. The highest cause of death for people with ME/CFS is suicide. A lot of this is due to QOL issues caused by the disease, social isolation, loss of hobbies and interests, that kind of shit. But a portion of it is also caused by the total hopelessness people with ME/CFS feel. We're not taken seriously by medical professionals, by the government, by our own friends and family. We live in limbo, too disabled to work and not cared about enough to get help. Many of us live in shitty living situations that aren't sustainable and I am one of them. If I hadn't found the affordable housing organization I'm working with I would not be alive right now. The day I told my therapist that I was stressed out about living with my verbally abusive parents for the foreseeable future I was at the end of what I could handle. If she hadn't had a solution for me, it was going to be over by the end of the week. The fact that people are coming to their doctors in that state and not only being denied assistance but being recommended suicide is beyond evil. It's uncompassionate. It's against everything medicine is supposed to be about. It's eugenics.

#suicide tw #eugenics tw #actually disabled #me/cfs

[samwiselastname]

Samwise Lastname Life Update (Negative)

I moaned and groaned in that selfie a bit already but like. I have many people who have offered to help me with many things. Truly thankful.

At the same time I've always been The Person with the stable job and full time wage, like, pretty much since I finished DBT halfway through college that's been my defining character trait. Even before then, it was "person who is a prime target for financial exploitation."

My current situation is a shared living space where I am covering about 4/5s of our expenses, by virtue of being able to mask my disability well enough to work full time. We are still coming up $400 short a month. I've just gotten assurance that should change, a housemate is seeking work, but. It hasn't changed yet, and even once it does, I will not feel secure until we have an emergency fund for housing, and I won't feel safe keeping any personal savings until that's settled. Which is a couple years out at this rate - even farther with some necessary home repairs, which will push our deficit even higher.

We only get takeout once a month at most, our expenses have been essential housewares and home improvement items - pest control, plumbing maintenance tools, repair supplies. A few hundred of that deficit is just repeat homeowner shit. We planted a garden this year which was an expense but, not exorbitant. I don't know how to cut down more without like. Eating less? Historically that approach has turned into dangerous weight loss & migraines pretty quick. As it is we're only spending about $100 more a month than the FDA's recommended frugal grocery plan.

I can stop buying alcohol & weed and save... about $10 a month. I could cancel some of my subscriptions and save $20-50. Anything I can cut back on at this point is not financially worth the detriment to my well-being, especially when things like "watching youtube on the TV" and "playing FFXIV" are like. Some of my only safe and passive low-pressure recreational activities.

Don't really know what to do about this other than keep grinding. I'm making myself sick. Tacking on any extra work - hobby creative pursuits that might one day turn into commercial creative pursuits, any amount of job hunting, even a shot at adult content creation - feels unbearable.

I am trying to stop "working overtime" because even the 40 hours fucks with my ability to do anything else. I tried to work around this by job searching and side hustling. Now all my hobbies feel like jobs and every day I'm not working on income feels like self-sabotage. It's stupid - I can get better compensation at my current job picking extra hours. At least when I do that I don't go into a neurotic spiral and stop sleeping. As much. It's at least effective.

So I have this limbo - working over 40 hours physically destroys me, and it's the only way to tip the scales at all right now. I know one can often get a pay raise by finding a new job but - yall the market sucks. I'm trying. I need full time remote WFH and good god is it bad out there. Plus my current insurance rn is killer - I have a 3k out of pocket max. My medical costs would outweigh the raise at any job I've successfully applied for thus far, because my current employer affords me this bizarrely fantastic health insurance with HSA deposits.

Just feel hopeless. If I've gone dark on you that's why. We have four months to get this shit fixed before we're totally fucked and I'm doing everything I can to buy us time.

#she is grumpy because she had to work 11 hours today without time-and-a-half for it #idk we might have a crowdfund up soon depending on how much help I'm actually able to get from my housemates

[lokisasgardianvampirequeen]

To Those Who Time Forgot

Pairing: TFATWS!Bucky Barnes x Vampire!Female Reader, Sam Wilson

Words: 1244

Warning(s): Violence, Swearing, Medical Abuse

A/N: All characters are property of Marvel I’m just borrowing them. Please do not use or repost my work elsewhere. Much love and I hope you enjoy!!!! Reblogs are immensely appreciated ❤️

Chapter Ten

The conviction of his words tugged at your heart. While you believed and trusted in him and his words, Hydra was ever unpredictable. "Soldier, if something does happen."

The soldier interrupted "Nothing will happen I will not allow it! I need you to look around you котёнок, tell me everything you see, spare no details."

"I....I see nothing" you mumbled defeated. "I don't know if I am still tranquilized, if they are prepping to put me on ice or already have. I just know I am here, stuck in this limbo. I keep trying to wake up, so hard, and I can't." Another sob escapes.

"котёнок (kitten) I am here, I'm not going anywhere. I need you to concentrate for me. Okay, my good girl? You can do this. You are strong. It is they who underestimate you, for you are a force to be wreckened with. Now focus and tell me what do your hear?"

Desperately hoping you didn't lose your connection to your soldier, you stilled your mind allowing it to reach out further. People, lots of people. Melodic and lively jazz. Chanting and yelling. You relaxed further. The air smelling heavily of beer, hard liquor, sweat, and sick. "MARDI GRAS!!!" you half screamed in delight, proud of yourself. "I think I'm being held on the outskirts of the French Quarter. I can hear the Mardi Gras celebration taking place outside, but indirectly. Not on Bourbon Street, maybe about 2-5 miles outside of it if I had to guess. You felt yourself beginning to slip. The exertion combined with whatever was happening to you in your semi-concious state throwing you into exhaustion. "Oh no....soldier I think I'm losing you. I'm not sure if I'm too tired or I'm beginning to wake up. Oh god I don't want to lose you."

The soldier did his best to maintain his composure despite the fact all he yearned to do was whisk you away, to hide the world away from you and protect. Never in his life had he ever felt as strongly and connected to another person. For you, he would give anything, do anything. "котёнок, I want you to hear me now and make no mistake. I AM COMING FOR YOU. ANYONE AND ANYTHING THAT STANDS IN MY WAY WILL PAY. я люблю тебя, куколка (I love you, doll). Silence was all that followed. All the soldier could do now was pray to a god he wasn't sure exists that you heard his vow.

The soldier made his way back up to the loft. He rifled through his bag pulling out all the information and files that he took from the compound as well as what was left in your loft. God help anyone who got in his way. A war was brewing, and he was the reckoning on horizon. A ghost arisen from the dead, vengeance incarnate.......

Your eyes shot open panicked. You kept trying to reach back out to Bucky. It was no use. The more you tried the more frustrated you grew. You tried to move but you couldn't. You we're strapped upright to a steel St. Andrews Cross. Mustering your strength you gave a hard pull. Once, twice, three times and nothing. It must have been made of vibranium. The room was dark and dim. Medical equipment and metal shelves lined the walls. The underlaying smell of blood was prominent and permiated throughout the air. The smell would have made you sick to your stomach if you were human.

Your head shot back up when you heard murmuring coming from outside the door. You took a deep unnecessary breath. The door swung open harshly, the fluorescent blaze almost blinding you. Footsteps approached and then you felt a hard grip on your chin, a face entering your field of vision, someone you long thought dead. "Krovopiytsa" it drawled. A chill ran up your spine, bile rising in your throat. Your fangs descended and eyes changed instantaneously. You hissed vehemently. "Welcome home. So, so many years you have been away. It's about time you are back where you belong. I've had a long time to think, to make plans." he stated, his eyes dark and sinister. He reached out to touch your head and you snapped your teeth in his direction.

"Do you like your new accommodations I had them especially made for you. Not as fancy as your previous home, but it will do for our purposes." You rolled your eyes in disgust. "The years sure as shit haven't been kind to you. By the looks of it you already have one foot in the grave. When are you planning to take the leap and fully commit? I need to pencil it into my calendar" you spat mirthlessly. You felt a crushing blow your face, the butt of the gun retreating just as quickly as it had struck. "I see nothing has changed, still all henchmen and no glory." What's a matter Doc, not enough balls for a fair fight. Oh wait, there probably shrivelled up by now if you even had them to begin with" you said chuckling.

"ENOUGH! Your insolence knows no bounds you ungrateful brat. After everything I have given you!" You laughed darkly. "GET THE MASK, NOW! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF HER MOUTH!" the doctor exclaimed to the henchman. He called in 3 other men that were standing guard at the doorway. "How sweet, you got me takeout!" you quipped. The men surrounded you. One of them pulled you hair taut from behind, hard. You barred your fangs, the men remaining completely unphased. You felt a blade pierce just under your ribs. "Behave bitch or we'll do more than just gag you!" said the man behind you. "Is that all you got fellas. I gotta say I'm kinda unwhelmed. Are you nervous? No, no that's not. Performance issues, that's it! Don't worry, happens to all men" you reasoned.

The man behind you grabbed the back of your neck. The two men infront of you sneered and began to use you as their own personal punching bag. When they were finished, your neck was released, head now dangling and body hanging lower in your bindings. In your peripheral you saw an arm come into view. Without thinking you sunk your teeth into the flesh, ripping the radial artery right our of the wrist own it's owner. A scream filled the room, echoing off the walls. You righted yourself the best you could, and spit the flesh to ground, eyeing the rest, a glint of challenge in your eyes. "Whose next in line to fuck around and find out?" you spat, giving them your best bloody smile. Rope is wrapped around your neck, causing your head to jerk backwards. A metal mask is placed to your mouth and fastened tightly to your head.

The doctor saunters forward grinning at you. "You never did learn when to obey. Fear not, it'll be of no consequence soon enough. You see, I have great plans for you Krovopiytsa. As you so eloquently put it I do have one foot in the grave. You are going to turn me. Once that is completed you are going to be my ultimate success this time. I am going to give you the gift of being a mother so to speak. Then I will bleed you dry, slowly and painfully and watch the life leave your eyes, once and for all!"

Tags: @mochie85 @theaudacitytowrite

<Chapter Nine

Chapter Eleven>

#bucky barnes series #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fic #bucky x reader #bucky x female reader #the winter soldier x you #the winter soldier x reader #the winter solider