#I wish they had not emailed me at all

[nightmarewing]

I am useless currently. there's not an ounce of energy left in my body. boneless. having a spirited internal debate about whether or not I should give in and go cry in the shower

#but I'm hungry and I need to make myself do something about that #whatever that may be #I wish they had not emailed me at all #my anxiety is mostly under control except when a detached governmental body says 'we've made a pronouncement on your fate. it's in the mail #nightmare diary

[rockingtheorange]

The complicit gaze of two men going "Oop the king has read our smut. Hope he enjoyed it 🤗"

#Your royal horniness #Alex First Son Of Masturbatory Historical Readings #I know im incorrigible so don't encourage me #the king had enough of these kids im sure #what if he was kicking his feet in bed like all of us while reading? #bet your bets that king of whatever didn't sleep to binge read all the emails #miguel could only wish it was him the one Alex wrote those things to #rwrb movie #red white and royal blue #rwrb #firstprince #alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor #taylor zakhar perez #nicholas galitzine #history huh? bet we could make some

[nervocat]

#💭 — nervo rambles . ★ #three years of progress.. GONE.... #my Diavolo cards.. #all the UR cards I had.... #I'm gonna go do my hmrk to cope 😞😞 #I wish obey me linked emails instead.. #the feeling of losing all of that I'm 😭😭 #one year stay?? #try abt three man #only got to like lesson 16 or smth tho 💀💀 #I did NOT play frequently.. #AT ALL❗❗

[coquelicoq]

usually i don't have any problem not thinking about work when i'm not getting paid to do so, but i made a big mistake earlier this week and spent five hours today dealing with the fallout and still have not managed to resolve it, and when i clocked out it was actually with this vague dread about leaving it unsolved instead of relief that it's finally the weekend. like it's bad that it's the weekend because it means i have to stop working on it?? wow. gross.

#it's interesting because it's 1) a pretty bad mistake and 2) not the end of the world. and in the past when i have done something #for which both of those things are true i've like waaaay spiraled far outside of what is reasonable and proportionate #and just really beat myself up about it. and this time i'm not at all. i'm just like well that was dumb and the consequences are #unfortunate and i really wish i had made different choices before this. but i don't have any control over that so there's no use #crying over it. all i can do is take responsibility‚ take steps to prevent it in the future‚ and move forward #so that's what i'm doing. which strikes me as very healthy and a big step up from what i used to do #however i keep having to quash the impulse to open my work email to see if there have been any developments #which is CRAZY like i've always thought of that as workaholic behavior from which i am shielded on account of having #excellent work-non work separation but I GUESS NOT

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#listen. sometimes. when i get emails pertaining to a specific project i worked on that nearly broke my brain. i just stop what im doing #and start playing Losing My Religion by REM. and i wish the person emailing me could see me face down at a table listening to thay song #mostly its fine. its just when someones trying to manage the data files so i kno im gonna have to go back thru and update my code #for a bunch of tiny stuff and its like: does this sound ok? and i just dont care so much that i want to start screaming #and then at the end of the day i hike up a fucking mountain going over what im gonna tell a therapist when my insurance switches #and im gonna say it in a way thats v calm and agreeable but i want to scream and tear my hair out. or maybe i wont b agreeable. i wasnt #last time i was in a therapist office but that guy deserved it and i wasn't being that bad #ugh. im just mad bc working on my stuff makes me so miserable that when i stop its like wow im no longer in agony. cool #coool. fun times. becoming increasingly apprehensive abt how im gonna try to b more healthy abt working while taking on triple #the responsibility with a phd project and being a student and being a TA. i mean. ill try but its gonna b fucking interesting #ugh. had to bust out the burnout playlist. which like. when u try to look at other ppls burnout playlists they all suck #theyre all like former gifted kid burnout Playlists and im like fuckkk offfff. why do u not have the incredibly specific vibes that im #looking for? i just demand the perfect burnout playlist and somehow nobody puts No Surprises on there #like what??? y not? its a song abt being so totally saturated that youve had enough. a heart thats full up like a landfill. a job that #slowly kills u. bruises that wont heal. how is it not THE burnout song? but whatever. i listen to too much radi0head. #ugh. but now my burnout playlist is becoming too much like my My Brain Doesnt Feel Too Good playlist #listen. i just need to curate playlist so that they can express the feelings for me #unrelated

[ittybittybeastiebuddy]

The desperate yet guilty anxiety that comes from having to essentially beg for accommodations from my college professors is an emotion I wish I was less familiar with

#beastiebites #didnt get shit officially last year so had to ask all my professors individually for extension when i needed #and idk if ill get anything this year so Im once again resorting to oversharing in a desperate attempt to get ny professors to understand #Im fucking disabled and mentally ill and I need deadline extensions like i need water #i feel awful about it though its sorta fuckin humiliating to have to write an email that is me on my hands and knees praying they wont #think im trying to get out of work #im passionate about these classes and i wanna learn so bad Im just #so fuckin mentally ill rn #and i need help #but i dont have access to the help I need #so im just sorta #slowly watching as i become more and more despondant and emotionally drained #and struggle to do basic fucking tasks #Im sorry im just tired and stressed #gonna go to sleep and hopefully feel a little better in the morning #tw vent #vent post #actually autistic #actually adhd #anyways i wish everyone a good day and i hope you have spoons to deal with whatever bullshit life throws at ya

[artgentil]

and it's bad news baby it's bad news it's just bad news bad news bad news

#sometimes i think of you fondly #i dreamed of you recently and all i could feel was fulfillment #i guess the end of the road only equaled acceptance im very glad i didnt grow up to hate you #although sometimes i wish you gave me a good reason #i wish i knew you had your eyes on me i wish you replied to my emails i wish i wish i wish #how old is he now how old must i be #c #iceblinkluck.txt

[hanrinz]

finals tomorrow ;( im not built for this and my prof just told me today he didnt send my email to the coordinator of my strand like ???

#had to rewrite everything nd send sum proof of copy for my absence #i literally shouldve not listened to him :/ #he couldve just told me that i should be the one who sent it i wouldve done so ! but noooo he prob hates me sm #like if i knew the email of the coordinator i couldve ??? #but anyways #prob logging off to focus for my finals #wish me luck 🥹 #please pray for me if you can :( i feel like this test is gonna devour me #we will power through !! #nd to those who will also be taking their exams good luck nd wishing you all well <3 ! #rosie talks

[mindholes]

in other news, my father's alleged nephew emailed me this week letting me know he took a DNA test and can confirm that my father is his uncle. this is monumental and i only wish my father was still alive to finally get the validation he had been seeking his entire life. he never knew if his alleged father was his real father, since his father wanted nothing to do with him. i am so happy for him and i hope that he would have been happy too

#we wrote letters back and forth ever since i found the photo of my dad's father and thought the resemblance was uncanny #g. was very guarded and wasn't sure if he believed my story #he emailed me saying 'the entire story is true. i don't know what to say.' #this morning he added my family to his public family tree #i wish i could talk to my dad and see what he thinks about all of this #his dream was to be surrounded by family. to connect with the family that he never had as an orphan #he had so many people who loved him and cared for hi #but the pain of being rejected by his father's side of the family haunted him his entire life #this entire thing has healed something in me #knowing i did right by him. and fought for the story he always knew was true and his father's family tried to bury #i miss him so much and hope he is happy.

[cerbreus]

had a trainwreck of an in person consult for my sleeve tattoo yesterday only made better by the itty bitty yorkie shop dog adoring me and sitting on my lap the whole time.

#also chatting with my partner after ofc i felt so much better tysm chris ♥ #but yeah it was not great #it was supposed to be on friday #but she changed it last minute saying she was too busy can we do it the next day at 5 instead? yeah fine #kinda disappointing she didn't tell me in time to like do smth with friends i was invited to but had to opt out of bc of the consult #but whatever #get there early text her that i'm there. stand out side. in the rain. for 15 minutes. she didn't see the text. she didn't see me outside. #in fact.. she was in the middle of tattooing somebody. the client noticed me after 15 minutes and finally let her know. #she comes over all suspicious like. cracks the door and asks 'who are you?what do you want' #even after i say i have a consultation at 5 she didn't remember it was HER who had the consult. i had to rattle off all the details for her #to finally remember it was HER consult and say 'oh i completely forgot about that' #finally get let in and sit down and. she then spends the next couple minutes profusely apologizing to the other client. saying like #'ohhh im so sorry i completely forgot i had a consult scheduled.... i'll get this over with quick' which. well. :( #finally start going through it. she doesn't remember anything about the tattoo. not that it was a sleeve. not what elements were in it. :( #i wasn't expecting a sketch or anything but. even just having re-read the emails before the consult would have... been nice.... #after she does that she says 'oh we didn't really need an in person consultation' which is also. :( because she suggested it. #i get a whole like 5 minutes to rehash stuff we already went over in emails including her not remembering i'd put down a deposit AND we had #3 sessions scheduled already.... and it needs another 2 sessions which i wish she'd told me about because she's booked so far out my last #session might not be until. may. #i didn't even get to ask any questions! i wanted to ask! like does she use saniderm? (i can't have that on my skin) #does she want other things for a tip than just cash? (absolutely not offering that now) has she dealt with KP before? are there any things #she wants me to bring to the sessions? (they're gonna be long) #and then i'm rushed out the door and sitting in my car in the rain and just absolutely fucking crushed #and feeling bad that i feel so bad because like. is it entitled of me to think that like. #maybe if u have a client paying u thousands of dollars to design & tattoo their sleeve tattoos.... you'd like.... treat them like a client #i was so excited about my sleeve i was so fucking psyched and now im. not. at all. #i'm worried about what if she forgets about my appts? what if she books over my appts like she already did with just my consult? #and i'm left hanging trying to get things scheduled in so so so so late like i'm some second rate flaky walk in.... #i guess it could have gone worse

[waitineedaname]

I am going to tear my hair out

#so I accepted YSJ's conditional offer right? #and they sent me their unconditional offer and I've begun working on my CAS application #I haven't sent my deposit in yet #but I just learned in the CAS application that I need to provide evidence that I have the money for all of tuition + nine months rent #and I have to provide that NOW to be able to get my visa #but the problem is I don't have that money NOW #I will have it in august! because I will be working consistently until then! #but I don't have it right now! #and to make things more complicated #I'd been waiting to hear back from UVIC #and I told myself if I didn't hear back from them by april then I would accept YSJ #so I did #and now. while I was stressing about this CAS application. #I get an email from UVIC. I've been accepted into their program AND they're providing a huge chunk of funding #which is exciting! I want to be excited about it! #but I wish they had told me that EARLIER before I accepted YSJ's offer! #because now I'm all confused!!! #YSJ has the program of my dreams #but UVIC is much more affordable #and I don't even know if I can withdraw my acceptance at this point #I don't know what to do #has anyone following me done the CAS process? do you know if you really have to provide all that money immediately??

[pepprs]

idk how to reconcile my new self with my old self. also i fucking hate waiting. GRAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

#delete later #im getting a taste of my own medicine bc when im overwhelmed depressed etc i don’t even open emails or dms or whatever and then ifeel guilty #and let them build up and run away from them and literally do not reply for years. but ive been waiting for like 5 different but related #replies for 3ish days at this point and im soooooo impatient omg i want to bash my head into the wall.. and afaik no one i messaged has #opened the message despite being active online elsewhere which is EXACTLY what i do so i have no right to complain at all. but still. omggg #i just have a simple question (me and the ps5 voice) reply to my message boy #purrs #also.. ok yeah im gonna be honest about it even if there are consequences lol. idk why im on such a mission to get back all my old #characters but if i don’t i can and will go crazy. i don’t even do that kind of thing anymore and d*viantart is an irreversibly warped #landscape due in part to capitalism and in part to own mistakes and selfish actions. and i truly feel like my tumblr mutuals are the only #ones who understand me and feel safe and cozy on here. but i miss my old internet home. and i really miss my old internet friends and seeing #all the jokes we had and how we were all like interconnected w the same adopt groups and stuff and now we don’t even talk… it makes me so #sad and i feel weird messaging them just for the purpose of asking if they can give me back characters i gave them 4 years ago like a) you j #just don’t do that kind of thing i don’t think but b) it feels so transactional and would make the part of saying hey our friendship was #important to me when i was a teenager and even though we don’t talk anymore i think of you fondly and wish you well. like lollllll. and i #feel cringe even tracking them down / messaging them bc we are all jn our 20s now… embarrassing. but i am so mad at myself for letting those #friendships wither (not that i have the spoons to sustain them these days anyway but still) and for not keeping bettr track of my characters #when i sold them and for giving them up in the first place and for letting my old internet life just fall apart due to neglect bc it puts me #in a bind to try to piece it together again no matter how i try it and i shouldn’t try anyway. but i am so tempted to rn. lol #* itd make saying stuff abt appreciating friendship weird bc there’s a transaction tied in (source: i did this and feel weird and bad) #like the way i want to SCREAM seeing that dA ate all of the journals i made when i was a 14 year old and turned them into glitched polls. th #the way the wayback machine has terrible unreliable records of everything and i can never get some stuff back / track some stuff down. pain #anyways it’s stupid bc i feel cozy and listened to and as connected as i have the energy to be to all of u guys so why am i doing this. but #i miss the dA stuff too and i wish it wasn’t cringe and i wish i could have everything that’s ever been part of me all in one place. lol #also this doesn’t even take into account my poetry community on dA on my other account who i also felt so safe and cozy with and i abandoned #that too and lost touch with basically everyone even though we all knew each others deepest secrets for years.. the heartsickness of it all #anyways mutuals who knew me on deviantart i am clutching both your hands with impassioned urgency and kissing u on the cheeks. that’s all

[lilgynt]

i wish society as a whole could slow down. only way i can explain is rn we’re like emails when we should be like faxes 😔

#personal #why does every service have to be faster than the last? why do places brag about being 24/7 all year. can we all relax a little #fax machines are the devil but letting the thing scan ur paper and take a minute or two to send the documents it’s nice #gives you a natural break in work #emails are like i know ur available this very second and can keep being available and no escape #i hated her but i do miss faxxing at office depot #i just miss print work in general but also my other jobs were divine and surely when i leave this job won’t become divine in my eyes as well #honestly it probably won’t which. hm. let me romanticize something at my next gig #i can romanticize the slow days i can say that #and the work itself assuming it’s for my department is actually rlly fun! usually. except certain devices i wish we either #had a team dedicated to them or they would all blow up #several people included have asked for and rsvp for more training with them but they keep canceling the class #so whatever 🙄

[curly-cottage-girl]

///

#just feeling a lot of things and I don’t like them bc they’re kinda ugly #I know this yearning and gaping hole in my chest is ultimately supposed to be filled with God #at least in the sense that I’m not driven to envy over others being loved more than me #but I def have not been good with prayer lately. at all :/ #I’m feeling discouraged in many ways too. I want to try to do more hobbies but the learning curve is so steep when i look at them #and I already have almost no motivation anyway so that discourages me even more #I wish I WANTED to do stuff #I wish I had plans and goals in my life bc as I get older it’s more embarrassing when i talk with ppl #had a preliminary meeting with a guy who does financial advising and that kind feel flat bc like #I have no goals I’m working towards #and also I don’t even know how to describe myself and what I like and all #I caved and thought maybe I’ll make a Catholic match profile bc maybe God wants me to be more proactive #even if I don’t think I would ever be able to do anything like online dating at all #bc I can’t even do regular dating irl #I want to have known the person for a long time first #but anyway that’s ANOTHER whole thing #so anyway I stopped making my account when I had to describe myself for the profile and I just drew a blank #like sorry I don’t do or like anything :/ #I mean it’s not true but it also kinda is? #but yeah now I get all sorts of emails from catholic match and I can’t unsubscribe bc you have to sign in to unsubscribe #and I technically don’t have an account yet -_- bc I didn’t finish… so stupid #maybe I should go back to therapy…. #but I really was feeling like I had hit a plateau. like really it was stuff in my life that needed to change #or spiritual healing and growth #and there was only so much that talking could do by that point after I had done a good amount of growing in self knowledge #not like it ever ends really but also I had to wake up early to have them before work #and also it’s money so yeah I stopped :/ #so IDK #idk what to do #either in my life or for my mental/emotional state

[bagheerita]

I finished cross posting all my AFF fics to AO3 and apparently I've written over a million words. 😳

#my writing #dont read them theyre not good. i was going to try to do some editing but #AFF botched my password reset and hasn't responded to emails so im shut out of my account and annoyed. so now im just done with them #ok i wish AO3 had a way to post a multichapter fic all at once. posting each chapter individually is a PITA #i think i just broke AO3. the site kicked me off before I could post the last chapter

[livvyofthelake]

oh i really want to kill myself now. i’m in the stupid lab, and i was trying to fix the problem he made is sound sooo easy to solve. and 😐

#i emailed him that i had this problem on thursday and that i wouldn’t be able to do anything until monday #and he said. oh there’s a video on canvas to fix that exact problem #and i was like ok so i guess we’re not meeting. i’ll just watch the video and fix it myself it’ll be easy!! #and now i’m here. i watched the video ages ago. and now i’m here and i tried to do what the video told me to do to fix the problem #and it’s not working and everything is still bad #and i kinda wish i’d walked in here while he was in here so he could have fucking fixed it #in my defense i did not think it would be hard to fix at all due to the fat he made it sound super simple. he needs to kill himself actually #so i do not know what to do now.