#I keep being nervous to post INFORMATIVE posts on these topics being like

[boytoyhalo]

Your Selkie au is super compelling! Plus you are a very good writer. A question, will you ever go into more detail about Pac's previous captive situation? I'm very interested in how you will adapt Fuga's lore into your au. ( Specially bc of Cell and Cellbit stuff)

I'M SO SO SO LATE BUT IM USING FITPAC WEEK DAY 3 (WHICH IM ALSO LATE FOR) AS AN EXCUSE TO FINALLY, FINALLYYYYY GET THIS POSTED THANK YOU FOR BEING PATIENT ANON AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO'S AN ENJOYER OF THIS AU I PROMISE IT ISN'T ABANDONED IVE JUST BEEN IN AN END OF YEAR SLUMP

selkie au snippet #4 (i think) || T || slash (ambiguous) || @fitpacweek day 3 (belated its actually day 4) AU day!!!

read the rest of my posts about this au here

"Can I ask you somethin' personal?"

Pac paused, hand suspended halfway towards the checkerboard that was currently serving as him and Fit's way of passing the long hours up in the lamp room of the lighthouse. He kept his eyes on the round piece he was holding as he deliberated on how to answer, sure that if he met Fit's gaze his face would give away his nervousness; "personal" could mean a wide range of topics, most of which would spell disaster for Pac and his poorly constructed web of secrets. He slowly placed the piece in it's spot on the board, fighting to keep his voice even as he responded.

"Mmm, you can ask, yeah. I might not answer, but you can ask." Fit hummed bemusedly, absently flipping his own game piece between his fingers and he contemplated his next move.

"What happened to your leg?" Pac's breath caught in his throat, and Fit rushed to continue, "It's ok if you don't wanna talk about it, I get it. I just- I mean, you've probably figured out how I lost my arm, right?" Pac looked up at the familiar, mechanical clacking of the veteran's stiff wooden fingers flexing in and out of their open position, eyes involuntarily darting to the gnarled pink scarring that crawled from under his collar and up to the side of his head. He quickly returned his gaze to the board, face reddening a little in shame. Thankfully though, Fit seemed far from offended. "Heh, it's okay, I know. It's pretty obvious. And besides, you're a smart man. I'd be surprised if you hadn't assumed correctly. Me though - I'm just brawn, I don't have a whole lotta brainpower up in this thing." He knocked his fake knuckles lightly against his temple, a light smile on his face. "So if you are okay with me knowing, you're gonna need to tell me."

A small, nervous laugh bubbled it's way out of Pac's chest, his face properly flushed now in a mix of embarassment and flattery. "Don't - don't say that about yourself Fit, you're smart! Smarter than me, probably-" He cleared his throat, redirecting his focus to the topic at hand (ha.) "I can tell you, I don't mind. It's just a, it's a tough topic, you know? I need to get my head in the right place." Fit nodded easily like he understood, which Pac supposed he did at least somewhat.

"Take your time, I'm not going anywhere." The selkie chuckled a bit, tracing the edges of the paneled glass walls that surrounded them as he considered the best way to talk around the subject; he knew, or at least had decided, that he owed it to Fit to give him some semblance of the truth. After all, they had been growing steadily closed for months now and yet Fit knew so little about his life. Which was out of necessity, or course, but his friend had been so kind and so patient with him, never demanding more information than he was given. Pac needed - no, he WANTED to let him in as much as he reasonably could. He deserved it.

"I..." He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, steeling himself to sort through the painful, tangled memories and hoping he would be able to hold himself together. He starts at the beginning, where he won't have to omit too much of the truth, though if anything that makes it harder to talk about. "Mike and I were on a merchant ship off the coast of São Paulo that was attacked by axis submarines a few years back." Fit winced sympathetically, patiently waiting for him to continue as he picked his next words. "We avoided the worst of the blast, but... Mike was in really bad condition, and I had to hang onto him with one arm and a piece of the wreck with the other while I waited for help to come. By the time someone found us, I was too tired and too um- too relieved to realize that we were being taken as prisoners and not as refugees."

It was all technically true so far, just with some important details omitted: like how they were only on the ship in the first place because their pelts were being imported as merchandise by a fisherman who believed himself to be incredibly lucky, and how they weren't taken as prisoners of war as Fit was no doubt assuming. Pac fails to suppress a shudder as he remembers the smug, taunting grin of the man that stood above him on the deck of his supposed refuge, two familiar seal pelts clutched in his meaty fists.

"I'm so sorry you went through that, Pac. You don't have to keep-" Pac cuts him off, already committed to opening up.

"No, I want to tell you. We," He clears his throat again, pushing down the memories of too-small tanks full of too-salty water, of needles and IV drips and white lab coats and pencils scratching on clipboards as he writhed in pain. "We woke up in some sort of facility, I'm not sure where exactly? I think the men who had us were European but that's all I remember, it's all blurry you know? And that's where we met Cellbit and Felps actually-" The image of frenzied black eyes claws its way to the front of his mind against his will, but he can't help a small smile at Fit's attentiveness as his eyebrows raise in intrigue, the checkerboard between them completely forgotten.

"Anyway, we were there for- months, I think. And long story short Cellbit ended up, um. He tried to- to eat my leg off?" It comes out sounding uncertain, Pac having realized there was no way to say it that wouldn't raise more questions. Sure enough, Fit's mouth drops open.

"Wait he- He tried to eat you?"

"Not- it wasn't- aaaaugh, he wasn't himself ok? They were- they were cruel to us, and they injected him with these drugs that made him all crazy and violent and they kinda just. Let him do it? It wasn't his fault, is what I'm saying." Fit looks disturbed, although significantly less so than Pac would expect from most people. He supposes bearing witness to the horrors of war would give you a higher tolerance to this sort of thing.

The thing is, it really wasn't Cellbit's fault. He had been there the longest of any of them, starved and beaten and forced through their cruel experiments since he had been a teenager. He was angry and desperate and hungry, and it was pure bad luck that Pac had happened to be the closest to him when the "researchers" had decided to test the effects of whatever combination of steroids they had injected him with. The ghost of his leg twinges in pain as it remembers the feeling of sharp teeth tearing through it's flesh.

"Wait so did Cellbit..." Fit hesitates, like he can't quite put together what he means to ask. "So he, bit your leg off? but how does that even-" He's interrupted by Pac giggling, and after a moment he joins in quietly with a confused laugh of his own.

"No, no he- he just did enough damage that the sci- that the jailers had to amputate it. And it wasn't that bad honestly, I mean, they weren't kind enough to knock me out before they started sawing but at least I didn't die!" His amusement at Fit's horrified reaction to his nonchalance almost drowns out the echoes of grief that his heart sounds for one of his fellow prisoners who hadn't been so lucky. Pac puts on a wide grin, forcing himself to perk up from his slumped posture. "So anyway, that's the story! Pretty cool don't you think?" Fit sputters a shocked laugh.

"Pretty- Yeah, sure, Pac. That's- *cough*- that's cool, yeah." It's a joke, obviously, but warmth washes over him anyway at the way that Fit lets him control the weight of the conversation like always. He wouldn't be able to handle trying to talk about his past seriously, and he's grateful to whatever higher power may or may not exist for bringing him Fit, who not only cares but understands despite being a human, and who always without fail meets him wherever he needs to be at. Pac doesn't know what he did to deserve a friend like him. "So, okay," Fit's voice snaps him out of the appreciative haze he had fallen into. "How did you guys get out? Were you released, or rescued, or..." He trails off, eyes imploring him to go on. Pac feels his face light up at the opportunity to discuss his favorite part of the tale - the only part, he likes, really.

"Oh, you're not gonna believe it. It was Richas! He actually saved us!"

"What?" Fit exclaims in elated disbelief.

"Yeah! So ok - they were keeping him prisoner too, but he was just a baby, like a, a toddler right? And the guards that were assigned to him treated him like their own kid-" Minus the horrible inhumane experimentation, of course. "- and he somehow, he figured out how to use their sympathy to get them to tell him where they kept all their keys," - and all the pelts - "and then managed to convince them to let him play with us alone. So he came to me and Mike and told us, so we told him to steal us some guard uniforms and figure out where the breaker box was, and after some planning and waiting for the right time we were able to escape by having him shut off the power and filing out with the rest of the guards! Mike wanted it to just be the three of us but I told him we weren't leaving the others behind." For all the suffering they had been put through it had honestly been comically easy - the facility they were at was small and not well guarded, probably funded independently considering that if any powerful government had proof of the selkies' existence everyone including the scientists would have been in a much bigger mess - the world was already at war, Pac doubted anyone was eager to add another variable to the conflict.

Fit crosses his arms and sits back, nodding in amazement. "Huh, so little Richarlyson is a hero! That's crazy"

"What, you don't believe me?" Pac shouts in mock offense.

"No no no I believe you! That kid is a fighter, I know it. So you guys all just stuck together after that? What about Bagi and Forever?"

"Ah, so- Bagi and Cellbit, they're brothers, or uhm- they're brother and sister, yes? And Bagi had been searching for Cellbit since he was taken, and somehow she ended up at the place we were being kept just a few days after we escaped, and she was able to track us from there. She's crazy smart, Cellbit and her both are. And Forever," Well, truthfully, Forever had just swam up to their pod and started playing with Richas one day while they were searching for a new home, and then the two had become inseparable so he just... stuck around. But Pac wasn't sure how to spin that into something that sounded reasonable for a human family, so he just went with "Forever just showed up one day and wouldn't leave." Fit laughed again at that, and this time Pac laughed with him.

It felt unbelievably good to tell Fit about his story like this, even with parts of it changed. Still, he wanted nothing more than to tell him the truth of what he was - he almost did, right then and there, swayed by the sound if his laughter and the mirth in his eyes. But, he reminded himself, that had to be a family decision; it wasn't just his secrets at stake. It was all of them, and as much as he loved trusted Fit and would be happy to gamble his own safety on that trust, he wasn't willing to risk his whole family.

...But, it would be so much easier if he could just say the whole truth. He wonders if Fit would react with the same attentiveness and amazement he gave to Pac's storytelling.

The rest of the day passed with little more of note, mostly filled with idle chit chat and card games. As Fit tries to teach him how to play Kings on the Corners for the third time, Pac finds himself thinking about how much Fit was changing his life without even realizing. A few months ago, Pac had never wanted or even tolerated human company that wasn't absolutely necessary. But now, he couldn't imagine not having the veteran around to occupy his time. In fact, when Fit had taken his first two-week relief back on shore after two months of service, Pac had felt inescapably lonely even when surrounded by his pod. Not even Richas, who had also been upset over the Ramon's absence, had been able to completely cheer him up. And while Pac's always been somewhat fascinated by humans, and had enjoyed watching the previous lighthouse keepers as they went about their work, he had never found himself as interested by any of it as he does when it comes to Fit.

"What is it?" Fit's voice snaps him out of it yet again, cards abandoned as he looks at him curiously. "You're staring."

"Huh? Oh, nothing, nothing! Just thinking about Richas and Ramon - what do you think they're up to?"

"They should still be hanging out with Cellbit, right? They're probably doing puzzles or something." Fit looks at the clock over on the left side off the room. "It's almost six, Bad should be here soon to take over for the night. Do you want to go join them and I can catch up?"

"Um-" Pac flusters, face heating up slightly. He's not sure why the emotional exhaustion of talking about losing his leg is what's bringing all these revelations to his mind, but he can't seem to pull his thoughts away from how much he appreciates the man in front of him. Which.... "Yeah, I think I'll go find them now! I'll see you soon?" Fit nods.

"Sounds good, Pac. I'll see you in a little bit." With a nod back at him, Pac shuffles out the door and makes his way down the tower. Instead of going to find Cellbit and the children, however, he beelines straight to the rocks where his pelt is stashed and hastily wraps himself in it's familiar comfort, sliding into the water before his limbs have even finished morphing into flippers. Surely a nice, solo swim is what he needs to clear his head.

...If only he could take Fit with him.

#stumbles out of the drafts covered in blood #my ass is gonna be late for every single fitpac week prompt at this point cuz dawg why did this take me like 5 hours to get done #anyway. i hope you like it. scream at me in the tags if u like it #ps i have begun outlining and drafting the full fic of this au #most of these blurbs probably wont be in it in full tho just for the sake of not making it 10billion words long #fitpac #selkie au #fitpac week

[hearthouses]

hello!! happy wincest wednesday! I'm not great at coming up with questions but-- are there any aspects of wincest or any tropes or angles you've been thinking about recently that are making you go particularly nuts???

This is a good and fun question!

So... I'm kind of an intense nerd who has people pleasing syndrome as well as fun traits like issues with choice paralysis, so picking one of my many many many ideas is very difficult, so in order to keep track of things I am interested for me, I have a document that is called "iddy ideas" which are essentially concepts that speak directly to my id. I'm gonna use the headers as way to answer this because otherwise I will forget something and it'll bug me, so things that live in my psyche re: Winchesters are:

→ DEAN & GENDER: I have a few asks in drafts that need answering about this topic, so I will keep this sort of brief—I am really into how Dean and his relationship to gender, and how the roles he plays in life force him into one box or another. I tend to headcanon him on the nonbinary/genderfluid spectrum, even if he’d never personally identify as either. I love exploring how he often uses toxic masculinity as a shield and how he uses it to cover up the more vulnerable aspects of his desires and identity. As for the Sam/Dean angle, I really love Sam figuring it out and using lingerie kink and feminization kink as a way for Dean to explore in a way that doesn’t completely freak him out. There’s a long fic in my head that I’ve been too nervous to write about this.

→ OMEGAVERSE & PREGNANCY: I have come up with so many ways to get Dean pregnant because I think about this topic so often. I won’t bore you with the list. I am unfortunately a sucker for pregnancy and kid fics as a trope. I don’t often read them because I prefer realism in the sense that the kid has to feel like an actual kid to me and not a symbol of happiness and completeness. For Sam/Dean, I enjoy the fucked up aspects of having a kid with your brother and how they would be so into that because it’s combining themselves into another living being, that they made together, ultimate symbol of their intense incestuous love. I also think Dean very much wants kids, but didn’t think he could have them with Sam, while I think Sam would really only want to have kids with Dean. I have many AUs where it is also the worst possible time for this to happen because I live for the melodrama. I also like post-pregnancy and seeing the kids grow up to be fucked up in their own special and unique ways.

→ DOMESTICITY & DISABILITY: I am simple and sometimes I want to force Sam and Dean to retire and live in a little cabin or cottage in the woods somewhere so they can grow old. Often, I think for the only way that makes sense for them to do so is if one or both were physically incapable of hunting anymore. I love them being forced to slow down and take care of one another. Given their lives, permenent injury is pretty likely and I love exploring the ways in which they'd have to grow and adjust to their new realities. Also, I kind of just want certain ideas presented in canon explored? Like Sam's issues with his sense of reality and hallucinations, or both of them having chronic pain. Plus, there should be more finale AUs where Dean lives, but he has mobility issues now.

→ WINCHESTERS & RAPE RECOVERY: Both Sam and Dean are rape survivors who repeatedly are sexually assaulted throughout the narrative, but they both react so differently to similar traumas and I would like to have this explored since the show wouldn't. Hell trauma also goes under this umbrella. I am fascinated by the ways in which Sam and Dean are mirrors and foils, and would like to explore the interiority of that. I’m also very into concepts and ideas that explore how their respective trauma informs some of their kinks i.e. I think post-s7 Sam especially wants more pain kink and D/s where he submits to get out of his own head and Dean struggling with the dom role due to his trauma from hell where he was put into the position of torturer and rapist, and them having to figure out to make that work without sending Dean into a tailspin.

→ CONSENT ISSUES: I love fuck or die, sex pollen, curses, and all related tropes. I also like "dark" versions of Sam or Dean (Demon!Dean, Soulless!Sam, Shapeshifters, Leviathans, etc.) menacing and putting the other in situations. I will never tire of this.

→ BOY KING SAM & MAGIC: Sam should be able to always have his powers as a treat. He should be able to be a little evil as a treat. Sam should get to go full on witchy as a treat. I love the demon blood arc, I love psychic wonder Sam, I love Sam who puts hex bags in witches mouthes and tells them he learned from the best. I am from the ancient times and watched the season three finale live, so my formative years were shaped by so many Sam becomes The Boy King and rescues Dean from hell fix it fics and AUs, and so it's always a favorite. I am currently writing one that is very slow going, but as a general vibe check I am calling it Sam's Moving Castle and "suiteverse but nice".

→ WEREWOLVES & MONSTER WINCHESTERS: I love werewolves and I want Sam and Dean to be werewolves and be a pack of two. But I'm not picky and would like them to be any sort of monster. I think the show was too scared of upsetting the status quo and permanently transforming them into monsters, which is a shame, but now it is now my hyperfixation when it comes to fic for them.

#rontology #applecrumbledore #wincest #sam x dean #replies! #wincest wednesday

[file-21674]

Gang with a S/O who has anger issues!

This is NOT!! Romanticising!! Anger issues is a serious topic that I and some of my friends deal with! Please don’t read if this is somehow a sensitive topic to you <3

Retrieving information . . .

FILE. . REAGAN . . .

Would probably understand where your coming from

If your anger is physical she would keep her eye on you 24/7

If you ever got mad at her, she would be pissed, but would calm down for the sake of not provoking you further

Fighting/arguing is okay with her, but if it ends with you getting hurt she’s yelling at you for being reckless

She would try come up with a device to control your anger, (weather it works or not is completely up to you)

Gives you advice, mainly just saying “put your anger into your work, trust me, it works more than you would think”

If your anger is more like, silent and glares, she would rub your back

She’s really awkward, when she sees you staring someone down, eye twitching and fists clutching nothing. She would. In the most awkward way. Try to calm you down.

Overall she doesn’t know what she’s doing, but she’s trying to help no matter what!

FILE . . BRETT . . .

Has no clue what to do. Like at all

If your anger is more physical he would be next to you ALL the time. Would probably drag Reagan away from her desk just so he can be with his 2 Favourite people!! And so you don’t kill MYC

If you ever got mad at him he would be like “oh..” and make the :( face, he would forgive you, of course! But he’s still going to be upset, APOLOGISE.

Fighting/arguing, he’s not a big fan of. He doesn’t want you to get hurt, but if the person your fighting is a asshole, he will watch, but be standing next to you

He would be rubbing your shoulders trying to calm you down, telling you to let it go (Elsa) and to just leave it. BUT SWEETLY

He wouldn’t give you advice, HE WOULD IF YOU ASKED, but I think he’s more of a physical comfort kinda guy rather than just using his words

If your anger is more like silent and glares, he would look at the person your glaring at worriedly

He’s nervous, scared you will lash out all your built up anger on him. So he’s not gonna try say anything that could possibly anger you, I can see him hugging you from behind while you stare at the person who made you angry

Overall he’s slightly scared of you, but always there to comfort you when you need it <3

FILE . . GIGI . . .

honestly, I see her being more encouraging than handling your anger

If your anger is physical you best know she’s recording you whenever you get in a fight. If you win she posts it on her story on Instagram, if you loose she’s giving you tips

If you ever get mad at her she’s offended. As fuck. But knows not to say anything.

Fighting/arguing she’s okay with. It’s not her business. But if it gets out of hand she’s holding you to her chest screaming at the other person

She would rub your knuckles softly, and tell you that it’s okay

She doesn’t give advice. She gives tips. On how to either distract beat or intimidate the other person

If your anger is more like silent and glares. She’s concerned. 10000% concerned

She wants you to be able to express how you feel so if your ever just sitting there tapping your fingers on the table while killing someone with your eyes. She’s begging you to atleast go talk to them to settle your anger a little

Overall she’s not good at helping, but good at encouraging!!

FILE . . ANDRE . . .

He finds it hot. :/

If your anger is physical. He’s 100% gonna pop one when your fighting/screaming at someone

If you get mad at him, he’s gonna slowly…melt in his chair and look at you…and smirk.

Fighting/arguing he’s good with. Unless it costs him his drugs or weed or you getting severely hurt

He would offer to smoke pot with you, but if it’s one of those days you chill and watch some episodes of breaking bad to calm down

He’s not good with advice, like at all so expect something shitty like “anger is like…condoms in a way!” And he’ll get distracted and start talking about condoms 💀

If your anger is more like silent and glares, he’s just gonna take it the same way,

He will make jokes to try and make you look away from the person your staring at like “Hey Y/N! Don’t you think this chicken wing kinda looks like a dick? Y/N?” Once he realised that your twitching he’ll try and drag you away, talking shit about the person you was glaring at on the way

Overall he’s eh. He can be compassionate when he needs to, but tries to lighten the mood rather than pry you away from the person

FILE . . GLENN DOLPHIN . . .

Respect you.

If your anger is physical. He’s gonna start rambling about American “MY COUNTY STANDS BY WHAT Y/N IS DOIN. LEAVE YOU…(idk)” is what he would yell to anyone trying to stop you

If you get mad at him. I can see him sucking air through his..nose? And water coming out of his blow hole..?

Fighting/arguing? Bitch he’s joining in. He’s throwing a gun at you and telling you to shoot whoever

If it gets bad, then he’s there to listen. But he is TERRIBLE. At advice

Like I said he’s terrible. But he’s trying..though if he dose give advice..give it 5 minuets and it’s a story about war

If your anger is more like silent and glares, he doesn’t care ANGER IS ANGER TO HIM

He will feel awkward after a few minuets of you just staring at someone and he’s just sitting there..next to you

Overall hes terrible..BUT HE MEANS WELL

FILE . . MYC . . .

bros the reason your mad

#inside job reagan #inside job brett #inside job #gigi inside job #andre inside job #glenn inside job #myc inside job #brett x reader #reagan x reader #gigi x reader #andre x reader #glenn x reader #myc x reader

[splendidreads]

Open Your Arms, Part 2

Mob!Bucky Barnes x Female OC

Word Count: 3182

Warnings: Mentions of not being treated well, nothing other than that for this chapter.

Summary: ‘Arranged marriages are never easy. This one is no exception. Both sides will have to relearn their ways, and learn to trust each other. Bucky has all the love to give, but Katherine doesn’t know how to accept real love. She’s never been loved by anyone other than her best friend. Will she learn to open her heart, to New Yorks most notorious Mob Boss? Or is she too scared, that he’s just like everyone else?’

A/N; This is my FIRST Bucky story. As well as my first AU story. If this first part does well, I’ll keep on going. I’m incredibly beyond nervous about this. Constructive criticism welcome, but please be nice. Please re-post and comment :)

I do NOT give permission for my work to be copied and posted on here or any other site, even if you give me credit. PLEASE just reblog if you want to share my story!!

Will happily start a tag list if anyone is interested!

PART 3 NOW POSTED

“You’ve never been outside of New York?”

Steve’s bewildered question made Katherine shrug her shoulders, as she picked a piece of pepperoni off her pizza, eating it silently.

“Well, if that information is such a shock, I can’t imagine what your reactions will be like..” She ate a piece of sausage this time, “..When I tell you that I can count the number of times I’ve left the city, on one hand.”

Both men’s mouths fell agape, which made her let out a bit of a laugh.

“Are you serious?” Bucky shook his head, not quite believing her.

“Unfortunately.” She nodded her head, confirming it to be true.

Dinner with them had gone really well, and most of her nerves were gone. They had been talking about pretty simple things, just learning about each other. They had essentially been playing 20 questions, and it turned out to be a bit of fun. They now knew each other's favorite colors; Steve’s was blue, Bucky’s was dark green or dark red, and Katherine’s was purple. Both Steve and Bucky enjoyed the outdoors, whereas Katherine had spent most of her life inside.

“Looks like I need to get some miles under your belt.” Bucky said to her, a grin spread across his face.

Katherine’s cheeks tinted a shade of pink, feeling his eyes on her. She definitely felt like there was something between them.. But was it because of the deal, or was it real? She was hesitant to even attempt to explore the idea, barely knowing him. He was very attractive, and seemed really kind. But, she hardly knew him.

“We should go to Alaska again sometime,” Steve said, before finishing his eighth slice of pizza. “Take her out to the cabin for a few days.”

Katherines smile returned, “Alaska? I hear that you can see all of the stars out there, you don’t even need a telescope!”

Both Bucky and Steve let out soft chuckles, “Are you into astronomy?” Bucky asked her, an eyebrow raised.

She nodded her head as she took a sip of her drink, “Oh yes. Quite unfortunate for me though, you can’t see much here in the city.” She shrugged her shoulders, trying to seem not too bothered by that.

Little did she know, Bucky’s mind was already trying to formulate a plan. Even though they weren’t married yet, or even really in a relationship… Yet. Bucky still wanted to take care of her. She was his, and he was hers.

“Did your parents never take you to do things like that?” Steve asked her, and her face fell.

She knew the topic would eventually come up, she had just hoped to avoid it a while longer. Bucky’s eyebrows furrowed on his face, noticing the change in her attitude.

“Uhm,” She cleared her throat, “No.. My mom passed away when I was 13. And dad.. He doesn’t really do much.” She had hoped that would be enough, but judging by the looks on their faces.. More questions would follow.

“Is he still gambling?” Bucky asked her, lowering his voice a bit. Steve let out a soft sigh, looking at the pizza. He was already aware of her mother, he paid for the funeral.

“Yep..” Katherine popped her lips with the word, a crisp ‘P’ sound coming from them.

Bucky shifted in his seat, his once happy tone seeming to have changed. It seemed as if gears were turning in his head.

“Katherine,” he looked to her, reaching his metallic hand a bit closer towards her, “I have a feeling that I’ve been lied to.. And that your situation isn’t what it should be.. Is he not treating you well?”

She shifted her eyes away from him, not daring to meet his icy blue orbs. She never knew the exact details of the deal between her father and Bucky, but she was aware enough to know that Bucky had indeed been lied to. The familiar feeling of anxiety began to itch its way towards the surface, her arms instinctively wrapping around her middle. This was it.. This was the moment Bucky would decide he didn’t want her anymore, because she wasn’t what was promised. She had a memory of hearing her dad on the phone with someone.. ‘No. She didn’t make the grades, she’s not going to college.’ Which had been a complete lie. Katherine’s High School transcript showed straight A’s. She wanted to go to college, she had been accepted to 3 different schools. She remembered her father telling her that she had to get a second job, so they wouldn’t lose the house, and that paying for college would’ve been a waste of time. If only she had realized back then, what was truly going on.

Bucky let out a huff of air, leaning back in his seat, contemplating his next words. She didn’t even have to answer him, for him to know that her life wasn’t great. Steve had told him about the small amount of luggage she had, and Annette told him that it was mostly work clothes. For two different jobs. Needless to say, Bucky was upset.

“Hey, Buck?” Steve’s voice sounded, grabbing the attention of both silent parties, “They’re closing up shop. It’s almost nine o’clock..”

Katherine looked around the restaurant, realizing that Steve was correct. The workers had begun cleaning, and setting chairs on top of tables. Which meant the three of them had been there for nearly 4 hours. She couldn’t remember a time where she was actually able to spend that long just talking, and enjoying some company. The anxiety had started to cloud her eyes, her leg bouncing underneath the table. Just then, her phone started buzzing in her pocket. It was Sage, of course. There wasn’t anyone else who would call her.

“You need to take that?” Bucky’s voice snapped her out of her daze.

“Oh,” she chuckled softly, pulling her phone out, “It’s Sage, my best friend.” She raised her phone, showing him Sages face, “She’s not the most patient person..”

“Go ahead. I’ll take care of the check.” He offered a small, tight lipped smile.

She nodded to him, before getting up to leave the table. She gave both men a small, polite smile, before walking out the door of the restaurant. She was still in perfect view of the men, which is probably the only reason why they didn’t follow her. She chuckled, realizing that Sage was video calling her.

“Before you start yelling at me..”

Sage let out a long, dramatic groan, “Okay fine.”

Katherine chuckled softly, pacing up and down the sidewalk next to the car they were using, “You interrupted dinner actually.”

“It’s almost nine!!”

“We went to a pizza place, and got lost in conversation.” Katherine shrugged, her eyes glancing into the building to see that the two men were still seated, “Since when did I ever just… Talk?”

“Like, to a guy? Never. You suck at flirting.” Sage retorted, chuckling.

Katherine shook her head, “No, not like.. Flirting. Just.. Talking. It was really nice actually..” She gently kicked the concrete with the top of her shoe, “We laughed, smiled, had a great evening..”

“But?”

She let out a sigh, “But then we got onto the topic of my father, and now my anxiety is all over the place. I guess you might’ve saved me.”

Sage was silent for a moment. She knew that the conversation was probably very uncomfortable for Katherine.

“Well.. what did he say?”

Katherine hummed softly, “He asked if I was treated well.. Then you called. So, thanks for saving me from that explanation.” She let out a breathless chuckle, not realizing that the men were heading outside.

“He needs to know.” Sage said, shrugging her shoulders.

“He will.. I just.. Don’t think it’s best for the first day.”

Sage let out a breath, “When do you think I might get to meet your future beloved?”

Katherine let out a laugh, before realizing Steve and Bucky were walking towards her. She unconsciously began to chew her lower lip, a tint of pink spreading on her cheeks. “Uhm…”

Bucky raised an eyebrow, a small on his lips as he walked towards her. He glanced at her phone, sliding his hands into his pants pockets. “Is this her?” He asked softly, Katherine nodding in response.

Sage heard the voice, both of her eyebrows quirking upwards. “Is that him??”

Katherine rolled her eyes at the two, deciding to just move the phone to where Sage could see Bucky as well. He raised a hand to wave at her, a cute grin on his face.

“Hiya.”

Sage nodded her head, “Hi yourself, Mr. Barnes.”

Bucky looked to Katherine, wondering what they had been talking about, but he knew it wasn’t his place to push it.

“I was asking Katie when she thinks I might get to meet you. I’d like to know the man who will be taking care of my best friend.. You will be taking care of her, right?”

Katherine’s eyes were daggers, staring at Sage through the phone.

Bucky let out a soft chuckle, the sound sending a chill through her body, “Yes of course I will be. And,” he sent Katherine a sweet grin, “Whenever Katherine would like, you are welcome whenever. I can send a car to get you tomorrow if you’d like.”

Katherine’s eyes widened, a grin spreading on her lips, “Really..?”

Bucky nodded, “Well, yeah. I’m not going to keep you from anyone. Like I said, what’s mine is now yours. That applies to you wanting to have guests over.”

Steve opened the door for them, signaling that it was time to go. Bucky placed his hand on the small of Katherine’s back, leading her into the car.

“Then I guess I’ll see you tomorrow Sagey! I’ll talk to you later, okay?” Katherine hummed, giving her friend a smile as she got into the car, Bucky sliding in after her.

“Sounds good to me! Love you bunches!”

“I love you too.” She returned the words, before ending the call.

“She seems fun.”

Katherine’s eyes looked at Bucky, who seemed to be holding in a laugh. She glanced towards the front, Steve seeming to be doing the same. Soon though, Katherine began to laugh, Steve and Bucky letting out their laughter as well.

“Yeah, yeah.. She’s uhm.. She can be a lot, sometimes.” Katherine grinned, “She just worries about me..” She let out a soft sigh, “Besides dad, she’s really all I have.”

Bucky’s expression softened, hearing her words. He glanced towards Steve, who was focused on driving now. He hesitantly reached for her hand with his flesh one, gently capturing her soft skin. He offered a kind smile.

“You have me now.”

Katherine looked to his eyes, only to find they were already peering into her own. She didn’t flinch away from the contact, finding that even though his hand was a bit rough.. It was also quite warm.

“And me!” Steve shouted to them, making both Bucky and Katherine chuckle.

Her lips curved up into a small smile, nodding her head to Bucky. “You’re right.”

The remainder of the car ride was spent in silence. Bucky’s hand still gently holding onto Katherine’s, both of them lost deep in their thoughts. It wasn’t an awkward silence though, Katherine was actually quite comfortable. Her eyes gazed out the car window as the car came to a stop, the big house towering over them. She noticed, though, a man standing at the base of the steps. It was someone she thought she had recognized.. She was snapped out of her daze, when she realized Bucky’s hand was in front of her, him having opened the door for her.

“Come on.” He smiled, as Katherine took his hand.

“Thank you.” She said, getting up and out of the car.

Bucky gently held her hand, moving her hand to rest on the inside of his arm, as they walked up towards the house. Steve walked up next to them, eyeing the man as they approached.

“Mr. Stark..” Bucky’s voice greeted him, no particular emotion in his voice.

Katherine looked towards the man, curiously, but she could feel Bucky bring her closer to him. She realized who the man was; He was rather famous. At least, in New York. He was a VIP wherever he went.. Geneous, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist.

“Mr. Barnes, Mr. Rogers.” The man had his arms crossed on his chest, an eyebrow quirking up when his eyes laid on Katherine, “And who is this?”

She was about to give him her name, but Bucky’s words were first, “My girl.”

Katherine felt her cheeks heat up, she was sure that everyone else could see it as well. Did he really just introduce her… As his girl? Something about the words made butterflies dance in the pit of her stomach. In reality, it was true.. They hadn’t actually spoken about it, but that was the deal.

“Ah, so it’s true.” Mr. Stark let out a soft huff of air, “When's the wedding? I’ll have to send a gift.”

Katherine tensed under the man’s gaze, instinctively trying to hide in Bucky’s side. Her eyes met Steve’s, and it seemed that he sensed her discomfort. Bucky must have as well, because he removed her hand from his arm, and draped his arm around her shoulders.

“There’s no date yet, I’ll let you know.” Bucky let out a sigh, “What can I do for ya, Tony? We’re just getting back.. You can wait in my office for me.”

His eyes stayed on Katherine for a long moment, before nodding his head towards Bucky, “Business as per usual. I’ll be waiting.”

Steve opened the door, Tony walking in and headed towards Bucky’s office. Steve followed him, as if he always did. Bucky walked with Katherine, his arm still around her as he led her up to her bedroom. They stopped at her door, Bucky letting out a soft sigh.

“I’m sorry, Katherine. I had hoped to be able to spend more time with you tonight.. But duty calls.”

Katherine offered him a small smile, “It’s alright.. Thank you for dinner. I had a really great time tonight.”

Bucky’s lips curved into a grin, “Me too, doll.”

“Will I see you before the end of the night?” She asked, actually a bit hopeful that he might say yes.

His arm fell from around her, his hand raising to gently tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, their eyes locked on each other. He kept his grin, “Of course. Let’s just hope this meeting doesn’t last forever.. Tony talks a lot.”

Katherine chuckled a bit, “Well, you have fun with that.”

They both laughed softly, not seeming to really want to leave. Katherine let out a soft sigh, turning to open her bedroom door. Bucky started to walk off, but found himself looking back at her, a smile on his lips. Katherine returned the smile, before going into her room.

The rest of her night was pretty.. Calm. She had unpacked her clothes, which took up almost no space in her closet. She video called Sage for a bit, before deciding to take a shower. She stood under the hot beams of water for a while, just relaxing. Her mind wouldn’t stop though.. Her thoughts were completely consumed by Bucky. She tried her best to not think about the rumors and stories she’d heard about him, forming her own opinion. He had been nothing but kind to her, and she genuinely enjoyed his presence. His smile made her weak at the knees, and his laugh was contagious. She never thought that it would be this easy to like the man she was promised to. Though, she was sure that this might just be a fluke, only being the first day. As she got out of the shower, she looked at herself in the mirror. She sighed softly as she brushed her teeth, and went through the usual nightly routine. She decided that pajamas were calling for her, as well as her bed.. She looked at the time on her phone. Bucky had been in the meeting for almost three hours. She let out a breath, as she pulled her oversized t-shirt on. Just as she sat on her bed, she received a text.

‘Something else had come up, during the meeting.. I’m afraid I might not make it up to see you, before you go to bed. Don’t wait up, I’ll see you in the morning.’

Katherine read the words, and actually felt.. A bit sad that she wouldn’t see him. Regardless, he was a busy man. She didn’t even know what all he did, being the head of the mob. She replied to his text pretty directly.

‘It’s alright, I understand. I’m going to read for a while, before I actually go to bed.’

She pulled up a book on her phone, going to where she last left off. Her eyes were soon glued to the words, as she snuggled into the bed. Which was the most comfortable bed she’d ever felt. Soon, her mind was completely divulged into the fantasy world she read about. She almost stopped thinking about him, but of course her mind decided to play tricks.

She wasn’t sure when she fell asleep, having read a few chapters of her book. But the sound of her bedroom door opening, stirred her a bit. She rolled over in the bed, attempting to pull apart her heavy eyelids.

“Shh, doll. It’s just me..”

Bucky.

She could hear him moving around her room, and felt that he touched the bed. He had taken her phone, putting it on the phone charger and setting it on the nightstand. Katherine managed to get her eyes open, a small smile spreading across her lips.

“Hi..” her voice was soft, very obviously sleepy.

A low rumble of a chuckle passed his lips, as he leaned over the bed. He tucked some hair behind her ear, like before. She could feel his breath on her face, and her drowsy mind wanted her to pull him closer.

“Bucky…” She hummed out his name, leaning her head into his hand.

“I’m just checking on you.. Get some sleep, alright? We’ll have breakfast in the morning, and can talk then.” His voice was quiet, soft and velvety smooth.

She hummed in response, slowly nodding her head towards him. She wanted to be wide awake. She wanted to stay up with him, talking, seeing that smile.. But she was already so tired, and laid comfortably in her bed. She managed to keep her eyes open long enough, to see that he was looking at her.

In a sleepy daze, her voice sounded out to him, “My girl?” She asked him, though not really having intended to do so.

He smiled at her, nodding his head, “Gotta make sure the world knows it. Can’t have anyone trying to come in and sweep you away from me..”

Those were the last words she heard, before she settled back into the bed, falling asleep.

#bucky barnes #sebastian stan #james buchanan bucky barnes #mob!bucky barnes #mob!bucky #au bucky barnes #female oc #bucky barnes x female #bucky fic #marvel bucky barnes #bucky barnes story #mob boss bucky barnes #mob bucky au #SplendidReads Open Your Heart

[infernalwitxhcraft]

All About: Ritual/Magical Baths & Showers

Let's discuss a big topic many new witches encounter early on in their journey - how to take a ritual/magical bath. These wonderful cleansing tools are easy, effective, and are accessible to many witches. They can be utilized by witches both in the broom closet and out of it. While this post is long, it's got lots of information, especially for beginners.

The general idea of water cleansing.

What makes ritual baths so great, you may ask? Well, it's an element you immerse yourself into that is not only associated with cleansing, healing, and rejuvenation, but it is also known to get rid of any negative energy hanging around your energetic field. Another plus is that you can add things to it - oils, herbal bags, moon water, the remainder of your simmer pot, etc. You want to bring money in? Cool, add that money oil. Looking for love? Come-to-me oil. Having a rough time with your health? Healing oils and herbs in a tea bag. The opportunities are endless.

Timing (before ritual vs everyday showers)

The next question people ask is if there is a layout they must follow. And the answer is a solid no. This is your practice. All opinions will differ, and you certainly don't have to agree with mine. Do you need to do it before every ritual? No. If that's what makes you feel better, go for it. But timing and certain life events aren't a guarantee it'll happen every time you cast a spell or ritual. Now, you can also do some of these things as a part of your daily shower routine to help cleanse your energy field on days you're not as focused on magic. It's up to you, but I find many people like to do at least a visualization when it comes to the negativity quite literally going down the drain & applying their bath products.

Creating a peaceful environment.

If you're doing a ritual bath, chances are you'll want to create a relaxing atmosphere where you can focus on what's needed at the moment. Light some candles (no, you do not need to light fifty). Add some crystals around the tub, because fuck it, they look pretty and if you feel they relax you or change your vibration, why not? An aromatherapy diffuser is nice to have in the bathroom. Epsom salts help your body physically speaking to soak in and they purify you. You like relaxing music? Cool, that helps ease your thoughts and bring you into a meditative state faster.

Using your soap/body wash as a cleansing agent.

A way you can utilize your time in the shower is by using your soap as a way to cleanse the negative energy off of your body. If you wash your face in the shower, let it be representative of your emotions being purged. As the soap goes down the drain, it leaves, forever. Making your own body wash or soaps may be a nice hobby that allows you to really integrate magic into your showers. You can put thought into exactly what herbs and scents go in there, some put a quartz crystal in the center to keep it charged!

Washing your hair.

This follows a similar concept as above. Hair, in many cultures, is viewed as an extension of the nervous system, acting like an antenna to the universe. In my culture, we believe our black hair offers us protection and better intuition. It not only is a signifier for beauty when it comes to choosing a partner, but is a sign that the person is connected to the ancestors and our gods. Every culture has different context, stories, and meanings behind theirs. Some people like to use natural hair products for this reason, and you can also make your own if you want to infuse your magic into them. Getting a comb or brush made out of natural material (such as wood) can become a meditative practice. Repeating affirmations with each brush stroke about how you wish for your hair to look, such as it becoming more shiny or long, is a way to implement a routine with it and make it special. Try rinsing with moon water to get a special sheen!

Bath salts.

Bath salts are all the rage for a reason. Buy yourself some epsom salts, in a decent quantity for making medium to big sized batches. And then it's quite simple, you'll mix herbs in there! It's fun to create your own blends, just be certain that these herbs are safe for you to soak with. If you're picking these herbs yourself (and it's not from a home grown garden), check in with what the exact species is as you'd be surprised at how easily a poisonous plant looks like exactly what you are intending to grab. You can add a few drops of essential oils into the bath water before you get in, or add it to the salt blend in small quantities.

Epsom salts are amazing for muscle tension and general aches and pains. Especially if you're active in the gym and trying to speed up your recovery time. Aside from that, if you've got chronic pain they won't take it away by any means, but you may find a little relief from it and you'd be able to do a spiritual cleanse in the meantime.

Herbal tea bags.

These are something you'll see often. You also will see people dump herbs and flowers in their tub, which is aesthetically pleasing, but damn that is one mess to clean up! Easiest way to prevent that is by putting it all in a tea bag and you'll have much less to worry about when you're done, let alone herbs getting in areas you'd rather not have them in.

As far as this goes though, think of it like soaking in a giant tub of tea if you do just herbs. It's wonderful and relaxing, not to mention it smells amazing. As mentioned in the last section, make sure that you are using herbs safe for your body/skin contact. Check for allergies (you could do this with a simple hand or foot soak) to be 100% safe.

A brief note on uncrossing.

Uncrossing baths are not only wonderful ways to remove bad luck, a hex, or curse, but something that should be done once or twice a year. The length depends, but generally it's 3, 7, 9, or 13 days. I do mine 1-2x a year (twice if I detect a hex or curse) and opt for 13 days, as that is the most powerful time frame and I can be sure I've removed anything lingering. This is an entire post that needs to be written and I'll be *eventually* doing one, as I figure it deserves its own in-depth explanation.

Wait, I only have access to a shower!

I get it, genuinely. I've lived in apartments that had tubs and some that didn't. The current house I'm renting has a shower with a tub...but an automatic drain my husband and I can't find a solution for. But hey, at least we're moving soon. On the bright side, that's given me room to experiment and tell you what works.

Add a few drops of essential oil to the shower floor when taking a warm/hot one. It's aroma will carry up with the steam. Of course, there's also the solution of buying a small diffuser for the bathroom itself. Secondly if you like the whole tea bag idea, tie it to your showerhead! The heat will do the same thing. While it's not as powerful, it works. It's still something, which is better than not being able to do it at all. If you want to use epsom salts, do a foot soak. Or some people pour it over their body and head before taking the rest of their shower.

Visualizations.

Oftentimes, you'll hear of people that do meditations and visualizations to cleanse their energy field. They are very simple, which increases its popularity. Taking the pointers from above, add these tricks in. For a bath, after you are done scrubbing your body of negative energy, when it is time to drain the water visualize all of the negative energy going down the drain and no longer being a part of you. For the shower, same concept but more instantaneous. You could even do it periodically, after each step of your shower routine if you wanted.

My friends and fellow witches, I hope that this is able to help you! If you read this far thank you and I hope that you'll be able to find ways to incorpate this into your life.

#witchcraft #witch #witchblr #magic #healing #witchythings #shower magic #bath magic #beginner witch #witchy guide #hope this helps those new to the craft

[humming-pokemon-helpers]

A Vision in the Mirror Masterpost (OOC)

Taking the same concept from my old masterpost, this one will start out with a few FAQs and follow with a plot summary of what's going on under the cut, to keep up easily! Tags for this arc include #a vision in the mirror and for previous leadup posts, #vision prelude. Posts will also be tagged with appropriate stakes for the scene/consequences of what's going on, but on average, stuff is high stakes.

What should I know going in?

Similar to my last high stakes arc, this arc will cover some sensitive topics (all of which will be tagged alongside the arc tag and stakes)! Among them are mental health topics like anxiety, paranoia, depression, suicidality and self-injury, happenings like impersonation, defamation/blackmail, violence/death, fire (natural disaster), and general philosophizing in the "are humans and Pokémon actually equal" direction. A lot of these will largely only be alluded to on here, but better safe than sorry! Feel free to block the tag if it's not for you, I'll probably have a few lower-stakes posts somewhere in there (or maybe some ask games to break stuff up).

Also, this time, not everything is going to be RP'd live on-blog. If you're interested in seeing the behind-the-scenes you're welcome to the planning server (I can shoot you a link), but it'll be a bit heavier. The reason I'm doing this is both to reduce the intensity here, and to not flood everyone's dashboards. I'll still make summary posts of what's going on and am happy to answer asks about that! And of course, Vanilla or Cross will still be liveblogging everything crucial.

How can I participate?

Honestly, just send asks! Reblog stuff! This is pretty open, though if you'd like to be involved in anything in-person, DM me so I can add you to the planning server. I'd love to hear anyone's ideas along the way!

Know also that you can be as involved as you want in this. Some parts of this event will have wider-ranging consequences (city-wide, tops) but also, I absolutely don't expect people to get involved in that unless they want to! (If you do decide to dash-commentary things, please tag it with the arc tag so I can see it? Pretty please? And also use the appropriate stakes tags?)

Who's important in this?

(Not listing my friends' blogs in this, though they're welcome to reblog!)

Vanilla: Vanilla (26, any) is the guy on the blog, a Hisuian Zorua hybrid, and probably a bit well-known for his own good at the moment. They've currently just finished their Unovan Gym Challenge (badge-gathering), and are trying to investigate what has caused their impersonation across several situations.

Colress: Colress (39, he/him) is back from wherever he was, and certainly not better than ever. His aims are unclear, but Vanilla has been keeping tabs on him via a pager gifted by Cheri, and holds some key information from his laptop. He currently has expressed intentions to reclaim his Klinklang from Rune.

Vision: A strange being (?, ??/??) who seems to be impersonating Vanilla perfectly. Believed to be tied to Colress, but in what way? Has a soft spot for Wolfgang, and has met with Cheri and Vanilla's parents.

Cross: Vanilla's Rotom, Cross (5, she/her), is a sweet, non-battling Pokémon whose main goal is Vanilla's safety. While she's normally sworn to secrecy, she'll break that in the name of saving her "boss". She's also quite nervous, pzzt.

Wolfgang: Wolfgang, or Wolfy (27, he/him) is a Hisuian Zoroark, Vanilla's half-sibling, and the father of four adorable Zorua kits with his mate, Mozart. He's currently serving as the interim leader of the Lostlorn Zoroark pack, but he's in frequent contact with Vanilla thanks to the power of cheap cell phones.

Cobalion: One of the Swords of Justice, Cobalion (many centuries, they/he) is convinced Vanilla will one day be a worthy chosen for their aims. As it is, however, they've left Vanilla to find her own answers. Unless the answers involve using the cool sword they've been gifted, in which case Cobalion is all in.

Cheri: Cheri (28, she/her) is the perpetual thorn in Vanilla's side, who also happens to be their recent ex and current "rival" after selling them out to Colress (and apologizing endlessly after the fact). A strong battler, she gifted Vanilla Chibi (formerly Fluffybutt) the Shiny Vanilluxe, and has expressed every intention of protecting Vanilla. As much as Vanilla insists he's really fine without the help.

Aspear: Aspear (28, he/him) is Cheri's twin, also a "rival" of Vanilla's, and perfectly happy to stay out of this situation, thank you.

What's the plot so far?

(Plot kept under the readmore for previously mentioned potentially triggering content.)

Prelude: After a battle with Cheri, Vanilla was bestowed with a pager Cheri had previously used to keep contact with Colress. Over the past few months, they've heard Colress speaking from the pager, but, frustratingly, nothing crucial. Lately, though, they've been hearing strange noises much like their own voice...

These strange noises seem corroborated by Wolfgang claiming to have seen somebody who looks, speaks, and even smells exactly like Vanilla, and by Cheri's own claims that she has talked to Vanilla's doppelganger.

At the same time, Colress has begun taking action, reaching out to Rune to demand the return of his Klinklang, to which he received a solid refusal. And at the same time, the Swords of Justice seem on edge...

Main Arc: Vanilla, with his increasing concern about being impersonated, begins to lower contact with others, and eventually, decides to return to their adoptive parents' home to lay low. When she finally returns, though, she learns that Maamaa, who was in her parent's care, was taken by her copycat to some unknown location. In order to figure out where, Vanilla tries working out who they're dealing with, before finally settling on making themselves distinguishable from the copy when in-person (fun fact for the summary people: what they settled on was 'way too much body spray'). This doesn't solve their problem though, and so they finally decide to try and make contact with Colress and this mystery person via Cheri's pager.

On the other side of things, we learn that this person's name is Vision, that she seems to have some sort of high title... and that she intends to be the one to respond to Vanilla's message, it seems. But what will come of that...?

[To be continued!]

#//ooc post #pokeblogging #pkmn irl #a vision in the mirror #arc masterpost

[portgas-d-rouge]

I've been following you on Twitter and you're really cool but I'm really concerned if you're normal or not. You have proship dni in bio, but you follow proshippers like lawlu and even acesabo and I know you used to follow a coralaw shipper. You keep interacting with lawlu and mipero shippers and are friends with proshippers' friends, too. Also your account is 16+ but you're following a 15yo kid. I'm worried if you're really okay to keep following or one of the weirdos that pretends to be normal.

hmm im really looking to stay out of any fights or drama buuuuuut ultimately i think its important for everyone to make informed decisions abt their own safety so ill just give a quick rundown of what im about 👍🏻

first of all... what 15 year old am i following?! i assure you its not on purpose.

second, ultimately i think "anti/proship" is kind of reductive discourse. i like psychosexual horror and toxic relationships and self shipping. and i dont think everyone who enjoys exploring dark topics is an abuse apologist. i do think sometimes people can be reactive and overcorrect with those things. there are plenty of grey areas!!

HOWEVER anyone who actively identifies as "proship", or believes strongly enough to start debating people about how "fiction doesnt affect reality" and has no bearing on rape/abuse culture is a fucking idiot. i especially cant stand anything shipping characters with their childhood caretakers or incest. which is what im trying to weed out w/ the DNI. ill always have more sympathy for "antis" even if i dont always agree with them.

that being said, theres certain things that personally ick me out that I don't find morally reprehensible/block worthy. i would never post or encourage la/wlu or mihawk/perona - the age gaps are gross to me - but i also don't think theyre really that bad. not nearly on the same level as something like coralaw or shanksluffy. like, peronas fully an adult and luffy only really gets to know law when hes 19 already. but i can promise id never retweet or reblog anything with those ships.

in general i try to give people the benefit of the doubt and don't hold people responsible for who they interact with (within reason). people are not necessarily friends with everyone they follow. people often use twitter much more casually.

im also like, a person, with a full time job, and i dont always extensively comb through someones twitter. sometimes i follow someone i think draws normal cora + law or asl brothers and i get jumpscared by nasty shit and it is! very unpleasent for me!

i care a lot about abuse/rape culture and how we as individuals are still complicit in it and can combat it, and I apply feminist analysis to all types of media - even fanworks. i was legit traumatized by 2010s fandom, and saw a lot of people get hurt and abused by fandom adults, so I know the effects of this "anything goes" mentality can have on people! i wish we could have these discussions without getting defensive and hostile and accusing nervous teenagers of being evangelical zealots (🙄) because theyre trying to protect themselves

if anything i said is something youre not comfortable with, then thats fair and block me if you need to. i encourage anyone, especially younger people, to enforce their own boundaries as they see fit. 👍🏻

#also pls do not send me messages abt ppl i follow unless they have hurt someone irl #and you have proof... #there too much gossip and hearsay on the internet #not sure how to tag...

[liz-and-the-blue-bird]

Good evening to me

As is tradition for these long personal posts, I am currently moving. Look at my cleaned up desk set up:

Here's a song.

My job suddenly let me go a couple weeks ago. I'm not worried, but... well I'm starting to get worried. I was initially feeling ok, because I actually had an interview lined up for the week following, but that fell through too now so I'm just very nervous.

So I've been saddled with a lot of time to think now. And it's all been bad. I'm basically stuck again. I've moved back with my parents for the time being and it stinks. They haven't been berating me or anything (though I'm sure it will come soon enough), but I just feel so... trapped. I feel like I'm stuck in a time loop, cursed to never escape or... well, to be honest, develop a real relationship.

I'm strongly reminded of my time stuck at my parent's home immediately after I first graduated college. While I had been broken up with the ex for about two years or so by then, it still was grating on me subconsciously, I know because my default state is very extroverted and during maybe the 2-3 years after her, I was very soft spoken and introverted. I didn't reach out to people that much. It felt like I was trying to remember who I was for a little bit, after dedicating a little too much to someone else. Then I felt extra useless because I just couldn't get a job for the life of me, maybe for like 4 months if I remember correctly.

Those were really rough months, as I tried to find meaning in what I was doing.

Well, I feel like I'm in that spot again. Broke up with the same girl. Then sent to live with the parents in the same old room that is now accruing mess because I'm just not a very well kept guy.

I'm really scared right now.

And I've let my mind just wander back to the ex. The problem with this room is I have 2 strong memories of it: 1) being stuck here, not able to find a job and 2) watching the ex sleep in my bed, a little bit sick, waiting for her to wake up so that I can make us dinner. So I start wondering if should contact her, because I feel so much like I'm running out of time. I'm getting too old, or something.

I'm scared I'm gonna be alone forever, or, if I do fall in love again, fall in love in a way that I find disappointing or settle or whatever.

So I start wondering if I should contact her. It's not even just I want to talk to her again about stuff that only we could talk about (as I stated before, she occupied this specific intersection of people that I just don't have anywhere else), I actively just... want that type of relationship connection again.

Then my mind races through whether she would even want to date me again.

Then my mind races through the complexities of dating her again, what friends I'd need to inform, which friends I'd actively keep in the dark because they would reject her and fight me about it, probably for my own good tbh.

Then my mind races through the complexities of, well, dating someone who my brain can't even trust anymore.

My mom isn't helping. If you may remember, after the previous break up, she briefly mentioned "what if you do end up together." I thought that would be the end of it, but recently we were talking about the people in my ex's town having to forget about me for a second time. Then my mom said "hopefully for the last time, but ya know, your dad was saying- oop." and then she changed the topic.

I wonder if I still sound happy when talking about my ex. Because maybe my parents are still wondering if I'm going to forgive her and go back to her. It's been already 3 months after a 5 month long relationship and here I still am.

It's all a mess and then I realize that I really shouldn't contact her or try to even initiate this conversation because it wouldn't work out for one reason or another and then I get trapped in the feeling of being scared and alone forever again.

And I tried to cry today.

I tried. With tears and everything. It didn't really work. I can't really cry unless I'm with someone I'm very comfortable with after telling them what happened. So... The last time I cried with tears was January 28th, in my ex's arms. The first and last time I cried with her. And also the first time I cried with tears since... hm. There was a moment in 2018 where I really broke down and cried in my room. But.. yea. That's it.

See, the thing is, I know I will be ok alone. I know I'll find my own peace and my own happiness being alone. I watched my uncle do it before he passed away. I've watched family friends do it. Hell, I thought I was aromatic until I re-met the ex.

But that's the rub, isn't it? I thought I was aromatic.

After dating her again, I realize that I very very very very clearly am not.

There's a degree of personal happiness that I can't access alone. If my personal happiness goes from 1/10 (deciding if life is worth living) to 10/10 (on a date with a girl who I know likes me), then the degrees of happiness 9/10 and 10/10 are locked unless I'm with someone. I haven't felt 9/10 or 10/10 without dating someone. And I had forgotten this was all the case until I dated her again. When I was alone those 8 years, I thought my 8/10 happy moments was as good as it was gonna get.

It wasn't.

And now I'm scared I'll never be able to reach that degree of happiness again.

Because, you see, I've been looking around. I've been talking to people, trying to find someone new. I've hit some sparks, I can feel some girls liking me. But I don't think I like them the same way I liked the ex.

With the ex, I was ecstatic about her in every way. I wanted to talk about her to everyone I knew. She was 3 hours away, and that 3 hour drive to her house was the greatest amount of anticipation I ever felt. It was exhilarating. Every time.

I still remember the first time I saw her again, she just walked out the door, jumped, surprised because I spooked her from the corner, then she charged and hugged me. And I felt 10/10. I felt 11/10. It was one of the greatest moments of my life.

This isn't a hyperbole.

But I don't know if I'll reach this with someone else.

Maybe I just haven't found the one yet. But I'm scared I'll run out of time. There some part of me that just wants my future wife to be someone I've known for a very long time. I kinda don't want someone new, I want someone I'm familiar with. Someone nostalgic.

I think I'm just imposing what my ex and I had onto future girls, which is causing me to not accept different kinds of interactions with them. But I really don't know how else to describe it other than they don't make me as excited. I'm not getting that spark. I don't get it. I just.. don't understand. I guess I'm just not over her yet.

And then the final bit is that an old boss of mine contacted me. I think I might take his job, but it's taking a bit longer for it to materialize. However, this job is in small town, Louisiana. The same small town that killed my romanticism 5-ish years ago.

It's a really really good opportunity. It would literally triple-quadruple my previous wage, and, I was not being paid minimum wage or anything. And he says eventually I'd be transferred to New Orleans, so at least I know I wouldn't be trapped in small town, USA.

I'm just.. scared I'll be alone forever.

So I'm trying to decide if I should text her again.

And I really, really shouldn't.

But... maybe.

ah I don't know anymore

#to me #anyway it's 2 am and i have a flight later so good night

[our-time-is-now]

September 2, 2019: Maybe suppressing it wasn’t the best thing to do?

(previous play)

You can find more information about the authors, translators, content warning and additional information about the plays in the pinned post on our blog. 

 Attention! This play includes transgender topics. For more details see our interjection.

Monday, 9:42 am:

WhatsApp, David/Matteo:

David (09:42): I cleared the breakfast table and did the dishes and now I miss you. But I guess I’ll get through it… somehow ;-) I know, I already told you, but I wish you a good start and I’m thinking of you. I’m curious to hear what you have to tell me about it tonight! Don’t let anybody flirt with you :-P See you later!

Matteo (09:44): I’m sitting in the subway and I miss you. I’m nervous somehow… But I’ll just think about the fact that I’ll see you when the day is over and then it’ll be okay. And hey, I can’t control that, I can only promise you not to flirt back ;-) See you later :*

David (09:50): I understand that you’re nervous. That’s somehow normal, isn’t it? I’m sure tomorrow it’ll already be better. Or over the course of the day. It’s nice that you don’t want to flirt with anyone. Maybe you should also mention every 30 minutes that you have a great boyfriend whom you love above anything ;-) Just so everyone knows and nobody gets any ideas… I’ll go unpack the rest of my clothes… there’s not much left. We shouldn’t have unpacked so much yesterday so that I would have more to do today… I hope you have a lot of fun! See you later!

Matteo (09:52): I’m there now and I’ll go inside in a minute. So only a quick reply: Good luck with unpacking and with passing the time, I’ll be in touch in my break :*

David (10:22): I know you’ll only read this later, but is it okay if I rearrange the stuff on the shelf a little differently? If I mix our stuff a little? I think that’ll look better… or should we rather keep everything separated?

David (10:38): You know what I just noticed? I’ve never(!) been at the flatshare all by myself… and now that I realize it it’s somehow really weird…

David (11:14): Well I just put everything into the shelf how I wanted to. If you don’t like it, then I’ll rearrange it again.

David (11:47): I’m almost done with unpacking the boxes. It’s still more than 6 hours until we see each other again. What did I do before I had you?

David (12:01): The post guy rang. I accepted a package for our upstairs neighbors. And I didn’t know if that was okay. Was that okay? Do we like them? Or are they stupid and we don’t accept any packages for them?

David (12:15): When did you say your break was?

Matteo (12:37): Finally on my break! And 6 messages from my boyfriend, what a reward. So one thing after the other: Of course you can rearrange the shelf, you can rearrange everything the way you want to. If I don’t like it, then I’ll just put it back again ;-) Did you get used to being at the flatshare all by yourself? You can loudly call “Hello Ech” and see what happens ;-) And I don’t know what you did before you had me. I know what I did before I had you: I smoked weed and played video games. I don’t know if that’s the best recommendation. :-) And haha, yes, the upstairs neighbors are okay. Well it could actually be three different apartments, but they’re all okay. And what are you doing now? Did you already eat? Everything’s okay here, by the way. Kay gave me another introduction, explained the house rules, introduced me to a few colleagues. I’ll start at the café at 1 pm and then I’ll continue from one thing to the next… we’ll see. I’m already looking forward to tonight… I think I forgot what you look like, you should send me a photo ;)

David (12:45): Yeah! A sign of life! Nice! :-) I’m slowly getting used to the empty flatshare - earlier I even briefly considered leaving the door open while peeing… but then I closed it out of habit, after all. But playing video games really is a good idea. Or sketching. I used to do that in the past. But I’m no longer sure if that’s even fun if you’re not sitting next to me making some weird comments… but I’ll give it a try. I haven’t eaten yet. I wanted to bring some empty boxes to the basement in a minute so that they won’t stand in the way anymore and then I wanted to go shopping. Do you need anything in particular? Should I buy you a after-work-beer or something? Your day actually sounds quite chill so far. I hope it’ll stay that way. Is everyone being nice to you? Has someone already flirted with you? I’m also really looking forward to tonight! *sends a photo of him looking very sad and below it it says: “I miss you!”* *immediately adds* And what did you look like again? Did you change over the last three hours?

Matteo (12:49): *smiles when he gets the photo and immediately saves it in his David-file* *then answers* Thank you for the beautiful photo. Peeing with an open door sounds great, you should just do it next time :) And yes, you should sketch, you can just imagine that I’m there making some stupid comments, I’m sure that’ll work… I don’t think that I need anything from the store, there should still be some beer left, you should check how much is left from the move. And yes, everyone is really nice and keeps telling me that I should always ask if I have any questions and so on… And no, miraculously enough no one has flirted with me yet, I can hardly believe it, either :-P *then sends a photo where he pouts and underneath it says: “ I miss you more!”*

David (12:55): I’ll test the peeing thing later… and in case anyone should come home early then I’ll just tell them that it was your idea ;-) I’m happy that everyone’s being nice to you. Although I would have been surprised if that weren’t the case! I’m sure it’ll get excited again later once the kids arrive. I hope you’ll get the chance to have some coffee and that you won’t have too much to do straight away. I’ll think of you when I sketch something! I promise! And when I go to the basement… and shopping… and the bathroom… and all the time, anyways! Anytime and any place! See you later, tesorino! <3<3<3

Matteo (12:58): Of course, it’s always my fault, that’s okay. Okay, I have to get going again, let Iris show me the café and everything. Hopefully I’ll also be able to have some coffee along the way. I don’t know how often I’ll be able to check my phone, but feel free to text me, I’ll just be happy whenever I look at it… Mi manchi, tesorino <3

David (13:34): I’ve just been to the basement and your bed actually would have fit in there, as well… at least since the second table is also in the kitchen. But I think it’ll be better taken care of at Alex’. It’s warmer there and it smells better. And it can talk to my stuff. Now I’ll go peeing again (yes, with the door open) and then I’ll go shopping… anche tu mi manchi!

David (14:02): *sends a photo of an apple that looks like a heart* I just had to think of you… <3

David (14:04): Oh and I just remembered: We already have half of our separation behind us! Yippieh!

David (14:37): There’s still no one here. I just made coffee and put the groceries away. Now I’m sitting in /our/ room (yes, I admit - at first it said “in your room”) on our bed and I’ll sketch a little in a minute… somehow the thought that for now every day will be like this is a little weird… that for now, we’ll be separated for so long every day. I don’t even remember this anymore. It’s so nice to always have you around. And now we’re faced with stupid reality… pfff… but we’ll somehow get used to it… and then be the more happy about it when we’re back with each other again.

David (15:23): *sends a photo of a sketch of him sitting on the bed sketching and Matteo lying next to him commenting on his sketch* *adds* I imagined that you were lying next to me… <3

David (15:42): The One by Kodaline is another song that fits us… sappy but nice. <3

David (16:20): Yeah! Hans is back from work! I’ll have a coffee with him now! And in a little more than two hours, you’ll finally be back here again with me!

David (18:00): YOU'RE DONE!!! So? How was your first day? Hurry up! I’m yearning for you!

Matteo (18:11): God, Schreibner, 8 texts, that’s embarrassing, one could think you miss me or something ;-) I’m at the stop now waiting for the city train. Should be here in 3 minutes and then a 17-minute ride and then a 5-minute walk and I’ll be there. But your afternoon sounds nice, the sketch looks great and the apple is very sappy. So it fits us :) What did you buy? Should I cook something for us when I’m home? I’m hungry… surprisingly enough. See you soon <3

Matteo (18:16): I’m on the train and there’s this guy opposite me who keeps looking over in a weird way. I thought I’d better keep myself busy with my phone…

Matteo (18:18): Oh and I don’t know The One you’ll have to show me later…

David (18:24): Dude, Florenzi - 3 texts within 17 minutes… you’re almost worse than I am :-P I bought all kinds of things. Only delicious stuff - and the apple. I figured we could do with some vitamins… Good thing that you’re hungry! So am I! But you don’t have to cook anything today… See you soon! :-*

Matteo: *has still read David’s answer but didn’t reply* *arrives at the flatshare around 6:40 pm and slightly runs up the stairs* *unlocks the door and immediately thinks that he can smell something* *wonders if Hans has cooked* *closes the door and was just about to call out when David already comes out of the kitchen* *beams automatically* Hey… *reaches him with two steps and hugs him* *presses his nose against his throat and breathes him in* *murmurs* Missed you!

David: *even though Hans has offered to help him, he had insisted on making a casserole all by himself and thought that it was nice that Hans retreated to his room to give the two of them some alone-time* *had been sitting in front of the oven for a while observing the casserole* *had tried how it tasted beforehand and thought it tastes quite good* *hopes that the taste doesn’t change too much in the oven* *eventually sets the table and puts out a beer for Matteo and a glass of water for himself* *then hears the front door at around 6:40 pm and feels his heart skip a beat because he’s so happy that Matteo is back again and also because he’s a little nervous to find out what Matteo will say to the food he prepared* *walks toward him and sees him beam* *can’t help but to beam back and holds Matteo in his arms less than a second later* *presses him close and kisses his neck* *makes a grumbling sound of pleasure and murmurs* So did I… *then moves away from him a bit and tenderly kisses him on the mouth before he lets go of him and takes two backwards steps into the kitchen* *is a little nervous now, after all, and points at the oven* *grins slightly and then says a little proudly* I cooked!

Matteo: *gets a kiss and actually wanted another one, but isn’t fast enough because David has already moved two steps away from him* *follows him into the kitchen and looks at the oven* *then hears David’s words and gapes at him* YOU cooked? Awesome! *squats in front of the oven and looks inside* Pasta casserole? *gets up again and grins at him* Thank you, now I’m really excited… *pulls David close again because he didn’t have him close for way too long, and wraps his arms around his waist* *tilts his head and grins slightly* How much longer does the food take? Do we still have some time?

David: *laughs quietly* Yes, awesome! *says a little teasingly* You and Laura weren’t there so no one could stop me… *lets Matteo pull him close again and wraps his arms around his neck* *slightly tilts his head and thinks, but then nods with a slight grin* We still have some time… *then kisses him again, this time a little longer, and squeezes him closer* *eventually murmurs in complaint* 9 hours are really long… do you have to go back there tomorrow?

Matteo: *laughs slightly* I’m very curious… if it’s good then you’ll always have to cook for me during the week now. *grins slightly and grins even more when he says that they still have time* *kisses him back and wraps his arms around him a little tighter* *immediately shakes his head at his question* No, I’ll quit tomorrow… *kisses him again and then a little longer once again* Or I’ll demand that you can come with me… then you’ll have to quit university, of course, so that you can come with me.

David: *laughs again quietly* Always!? Well, we’ll see… otherwise you might forget how to cook for yourself or something like that… *nods happily when Matteo says that he’ll quit tomorrow* Hmm… I’m all for it! *returns his kisses and plays a little with his hair* *grins slightly at his suggestion, humms in agreement and kisses him again* I will… *kisses him again and then says* Or you’ll just work from 10 to 2 and I’ll come with you and I’ll go to university from 2 to 6 and you’ll come with me in turn… *kisses him for longer again and then puts his forehead against Matteo’s* *enjoys it that he’s back again, but now asks more serious and with interest* Did you have a nice day?

Matteo: *grins slightly at David’s counterproposal* Sounds sensible, we’ll do that. *kisses him back and closes his eyes for a moment when their foreheads touch* *but then pulls back a little when he hears his question and nods slightly* Yeah, it was good, but also a lot… I was pushed around a lot, but that’s just how it is at first… on Wednesday I have to work earlier because Sannik is going to take me with him… the café shift was quite cool, somehow there’s always something going on there and there are a lot of different people there… *then hears a timer and looks at the oven* Should I take it out?

David: *listens to Matteo and smiles slightly* *was just about to answer him when the timer goes off* *shakes his head at his question and kisses him again* I’ll do it… why don’t you sit down… *lets go of him and grabs the pot holders to take the casserole out of the oven* *says in the meantime* But it’s somehow normal that it’s a lot at first… I’m sure it’ll get better over the next few days… *plates the casserole on the plates he had already taken out of the cabinet* What kind of people were there? And how did the teenagers react when they met you? *carries the plates to the table and grins slightly* *asks teasingly* Did one of them already flirt with you? *sits down and grabs his cutlery*

Matteo: *laughs slightly* Oh, the full service… not bad… *then sits down on the spot where there’s already a beer* *thinks when he hears his question* All kinds of people… apparently there are two, three groups who are regulars and come in pretty often… but today only one of them was in, but they all were really nice and introduced themselves and so on… *then laughs and shakes his head* No, nonsense… no one did… *then also reaches for his cutlery* And I also don’t think that they will…

David: *listens to him again and smiles* Sounds really nice… *then hears that no one has flirted with him and laughs quietly* Or you just didn’t notice… that can happen… it already happened to me… *briefly looks at the food and then at Matteo* Well then… enjoy… and to your first official day of work! *puts the first bite onto his fork and adds with a slight grin* And to us, because we managed to survive the first nine hours of being separated… *blows on his noodles and then puts them in his mouth* *thinks that it actually tastes pretty good, but still steals a glance at Matteo and waits for his verdict*

Matteo: *laughs quietly* Yes, that can happen… when you come visit me, then you can tell me… *smiles slightly and leans over again to kiss him* Enjoy, and thanks for cooking… *then also puts the first bite onto his fork and then hears David’s words* Oh yes… it was really tough… but I guess that’s good training for the weekend… *grimaces slightly when he thinks about it* *but then takes the first bite and was about to smile when he sees that David is watching him* *therefore stays serious and looks at him* Well, this is… *slightly shakes his head, but then grins, after all* ...really delicious! *immediately eats a bigger bite*

David: *nods with a slight grin* I will do that… and I’ll introduce myself to everyone as your boyfriend! *then smiles when he kisses him again and when he thanks him* *shrugs slightly* I thought to celebrate the occasion… *also grimaces when he mentions the weekend and groans quietly* *murmurs* I want to suppress that thought until Thursday, okay? *then watches Matteo when he puts the first bite into his mouth and looks skeptical when he stays so serious* *but then sees him grin and hears that he likes it and gives him the secretary’s-office-look, because he kept him in suspense like that* *murmurs* Ass… *but quickly looks peaceable again and adds* But it’s nice that you like it… maybe I’ll really do that more often from now on… *also puts another bite into his mouth and then asks* And did you already see any workshops or courses or anything?

Matteo: *laughs slightly* Just to make sure… *nods immediately when he says that he wants to suppress thinking about the weekend* Yes, I would also like to… *then laughs again when he calls him an ass* No, really, it tastes great! *grins and nods* Sure, do that… I’m happy if there’s food on the table when I come home… *puts another bite into his mouth and nods at his question* *chews and swallows* Well most courses are on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, but today the ‘Youths’ had an unscheduled meeting, that are all LGBT guys up to 19 years, and it’s lead by Ines and Jana, but Jana is a volunteer…

David: *is quite glad that Matteo also still wants to suppress thinking about the weekend and then really quickly pushes it aside* *is really happy that Matteo likes the food and hopes that now he’s allowed to at least sometimes help with cooking when he wants to* *but usually likes their separation of chores and that Matteo usually cooks* *therefore pffs slightly at his macho comment and says* More often isn’t always… every now and then… if I feel like it… and miss you especially much… or something… *then listens to him when he keeps telling him about Lambda and realizes that somehow this is a completely different kind of conversation they are having - that right now, Matteo is really telling him about his day and what he experienced* *briefly imagines what it will be like when he’s in university, as well, and when they can tell each other about their days in the evening and smiles at the thought that they then will really have something like an everyday-life together* *but then quickly concentrates on Matteo again and nods at what he told him* And were you also there today? What kinds of things are they doing there? Or do they just talk and hang out?

Matteo: *laughs slightly* That was only a joke… I can also still cook when I come home from work… or can bring takeaway or whatever… *then nods slightly at his next question* Yes, but not for thaaat long, only in the beginning… and yes, they are doing a lot of different things, sometimes they only hang out, sometimes they have specific topics that they are talking about, sometimes they cook or go to the movies or do other things together… *takes another bite* I think the main thing about all of these courses is to be together with likeminded people…

David: *grins slightly* Bringing takeaway also sounds nice… we just can’t do that too often… otherwise it’ll get too expensive… *listens to him when he tells him about the group and smiles slightly* That sounds cool… having something like that… a group of likeminded people. *has to think about the fact that he never had that - that he didn’t even know anyone gay or lesbian, because in Lychen and Fürstenberg they either didn’t exist or they didn’t dare come out - and that knowing a real person with similar problems might have done him some good* *takes another bite, chews and then says with his mouth half-full* I should have made use of the time today to take a closer look at their homepage… *swallows* What else is there? Only such general groups or also more specific ones? Like groups only for gays… or something like that?

Matteo: *nods when he says that it sounds cool* Yes, it is, I think… well there’s also a group for older people, but they meet up later… there’s one only for female bisexuals, the BiChicks, and then there’s one for trans youth, the Transformerz… *smiles slightly* I’d like to meet the person who came up with the name. They always meet up on Mondays and Fridays at 6:30… *takes another bite and then says* There’s nothing only for gays, at least I didn’t see anything in the program… most of them are also led by volunteers, especially the ones who meet up later in the day…

David: *listens to Matteo and grimaces in amusement when he mentions the name of the trans group* Transformerz?! *laughs* Oh God… *shakes his head and finds the name very horrible* *still hears the rest of what he tells him, but his thoughts are somehow still with the trans group* *nods and humms when Matteo finishes* *swallows down his bite and then asks hesitantly* And in the trans group… *slightly shakes his head because he’s pretty sure that Matteo can’t tell him too much about it yet* *therefore starts again* Hmmm… you probably don’t know too much about it, yet, either… well, how many people are in this group… and if there are more ftms or more mtfs or something… *briefly lowers his gaze and then laughs quietly* *grimaces slightly and then asks* Does it somehow sound stupid if I tell you that I really would like to meet someone who’s also trans? I mean, live… and not just via the internet… *puts another bite into his mouth and then shrugs and says* Maybe I should check it out…

Matteo: *laughs* Yes, I also find it… meh... *then looks at him when he’s interested in the trans group* *smiles slightly* *says almost apologetically* No, sorry, I don’t know any of those things, yet… but have a look at the homepage, I think there’s also an email address, I’m sure you could also write them… *immediately shakes his head at his question* Doesn’t sound stupid at all… before I met Hans, I’ve never met anyone gay, either… or well, not that I was aware of… *then grins broadly when he says he should go there* Yes, totally, do that… you’ll have a whole bunch of trans people there and you can pick the cool ones to become friends with…

David: *nods when Matteo says that he doesn’t know anything about the trans group yet* *already thought so* *grins slightly when he says that before Hans, he’s never met anyone who’s gay and says* Well, with most gay people… or many people from the LGBT+ community in general, you can’t really tell… *takes a sip and nods again* *then laughs quietly* Well, I wouldn’t necessarily go there to make friends with anyone… that would be more of a cool side effect. But it would be nice to just exchange experiences… or to see what doctors the others have and stuff like that… *stabs a few more noodles onto his fork* But if the group is on Fridays, then I guess I’ll postpone this to sometime after the mastectomy… *realizes once again how quickly all of this is happening now - this Friday, Matteo won’t be here, and the Friday after that is already the date of the mastectomy* *but now prefers to quickly change the subject instead of thinking about that* And do you already know what’s planned for tomorrow?

Matteo: *nods immediately* Yes, sure… but just no one where I knew about it… *then grins when David plays it down* Yes, I get it… just how others feel… I’d also be interested. *then nods when he says that he’ll postpone it until after the mastectomy* Yes, once you recuperated… then you can also immediately talk about it if you want to. *shakes his head at his question* No, not really, Kay said that tomorrow, there’ll be a few people from the team there that weren’t there today and he wants me to accompany some of them… so I’ll see… *takes a big bite*

David: *humms in agreement when Matteo says that he can talk about the mastectomy and keeps eating* *can’t really imagine telling strangers about it but thinks that it might be different if the people are also trans… that some of them might also already have had their mastectomy or some of them might also want to do it* *smiles slightly when Matteo tells him about his not-so-real plan for tomorrow and takes a sip before he answers* But that also sounds quite chill for now… *then looks at him lovingly, because he realizes once again that Matteo has started work and that he has already finished his first day* *realizes that he’s really a little proud of him and eventually asks quietly* And did your nervousness subside over the course of the day?

Matteo: *nods immediately* Yes, I think so, too… to first get a bit of a feel of what goes on there during the day and such… *takes a big bite and then has to chew and swallow first before he can answer* *washes it down with a big gulp of beer* Well, that really went quite well… Kay also immediately noticed and told me that it’s totally normal if you’re nervous on your first day, but that I don’t have to worry, that everyone’s nice and will answer questions and so on… *shrugs one shoulder and grins* And it’s true… *then takes the last bite from his food and leans back* And what about you? Is my… umm… our room completely rearranged and redecorated now? *grins slightly*

David: *also nods* Exactly… and that won’t be much different during the next few days… until you have an idea of how things are done and so on… *then listen to him and is happy that the nervousness disappeared over the course of the day* *smiles* I’m happy for you - that sounds really good… *then sees that he has finished his food and points at the oven where the casserole is* Do you want more? I’m afraid I made too much… *grins very broadly when he also slips up when it comes to talking about their room* *shakes his head and says with a grin* /Our/ room looks good… almost like it did this morning… only with fewer boxes and fuller shelves and desks… I still have some stuff lying around on the desk… especially the sketches that were up in my old room. I’ll have to see what I’ll do with it. I really need a new folder to store them - my old one is pretty full. Maybe I’ll go into town tomorrow to buy a new one… *also pops the last bite of food into his mouth*

Matteo: *grins slightly when he says that he’s happy* Thanks, yes, I hope I’ll quickly be able to get the gist of it… *then looks at the oven and considers briefly* No, maybe later… and if not, then the others would surely also be happy about food… *listens to what he tells him and nods* I want to have a look at it in a minute… but hey, you can also hang up some of it or so… you always said that my walls are so bare… *drinks another sip of beer* You do that… kill some time… *smiles slightly*

David: *nods and shrugs* Hans already ate… he said he can only eat some bread in the evening if he already ate at the cafeteria for lunch because there are some secret fats in the cafeteria food that are bad for his figure or something… *hasn’t really been listening to Hans and instead only nodded in understanding* And Linn and Laura want to go see a movie - they’ll surely eat something on the way… but I’ll just put it in the fridge… then we’ll finish it tomorrow… *nods when Matteo says that he wants to have a look at the room and then briefly gnaws on his bottom lip at his suggestion* *nods hesitantly* Yes, true… they are… but I didn’t want to just hang up things… *slightly shakes his head* You can have a look later if you like some of it and then we’ll think about where to put it together?

Matteo: *nods at his information about the roommates* I see… oh, the way I know me, I’ll be hungry again in an hour… *then looks at him a little confused* Huh? Why not? *also shakes his head* Hey, that’s also your room now, and I want you to feel at home there and that you decorate it… and if there’s something I don’t like, then I’ll tell you… but of course you can just hang up things… *briefly thinks about if there are any exceptions* You’re just not allowed to take down your gift from above the bed… and if you want to put up naked women or something, then we also might have to talk again for a moment…

David: *looks back confused when Matteo looks confused* Well because… *then stops because the only argument he can think of is that saying they are Matteo’s walls doesn’t count any longer* *realizes that it’s apparently difficult for him, after all, to fully realize it* *smiles slightly at Matteo’s next words and nods slightly* *says quietly* Okay… I’ll trust you that you’ll tell me if there’s something you don’t like… *smiles even more when he says that he isn’t allowed to take down his gift and nods* *then laughs loudly at his last thought* Oh damn… now I don’t know where to put all my posters of naked women… maybe Hans wants to have them… *leans forward and kisses him briefly* *asks quietly against his lips* What am I supposed to do with naked women when I have /you/, huh?! *moves away again and grins slightly* *then reaches for their plates and collects them to wash them later* *is quite glad that he has already cleaned up the chaos from cooking and that now he really only has to clean the plates and the cutlery so that they’ll have more time to themselves later*

Matteo: *grins when he agrees with him* You can do that… *then laughs slightly* Hans will surely want them… or Abdi… hey, Abdi for sure. *then grins into the kiss and then shakes his head* Charmer… *sees him get up and clear the table* *also gets up and helps him carry everything to the sink* I can do the dishes… you already cooked…

David: *grins when Matteo mentions Abdi and nods in amusement* True! So /if/ I had countless posters of naked women, /then/ I’d surely give them to Abdi. *laughs quietly* We better not tell him - otherwise he’ll be sad that he won’t get any… *smiles when Matteo helps him carry the stuff to the sink and offers to help* *lets water into the sink and slightly shakes his head* It won’t take long… you can already cover the casserole and put it in the fridge... *then looks at him and lightly bumps his shoulder against his* *realizes that he’s really yearning for him and that he has to catch up on some physical contact and is already looking forward to their time in their room soon*

Matteo: *laughs* Yep, but this might be an idea for his next birthday… *looks skeptical for a moment and considers arguing with him about doing the dishes, but then drops it* *gets the tin foil out of the cabinet and covers the casserole* *then puts it in the shelf of the fridge that now has the post-it “Matteo + David” on it* *then steps behind David, who’s still doing the dishes, wraps his arms around him and puts his head onto his shoulder* *can see that he only has the cutlery left to clean* *kisses his throat and grumbles slightly pleasantly* *says quietly* Let’s go to bed soon?

David: *starts doing the dishes and, out of the corner of his eyes, watches Matteo cover the casserole and put it into the fridge* *then feels his arms around his stomach and slightly leans against him while he cleans the cutlery* *is tempted to close his eyes when Matteo kisses his neck and also grumbles quietly and pleasantly* *nods at his question and puts the cutlery on the sink to dry* *just stays in Matteo’s arms for a moment, but eventually grabs the dish towel from next to the sink and dries his hands before he turns around in Matteo’s arms* *leans his forehead against Matteo’s and now really closes his eyes for a moment* *then kisses him tenderly onto his mouth and quietly asks again* Bed?

Matteo: *smiles slightly when David stops a little and holds him a little tighter* *also closes his eyes when David turns around to him* *tenderly kisses him back and nods immediately* Yes, please! *slowly pulls away from him and leads the way to their room* *takes a look around and then turns around to him with a grin* Looks good… like you have been living here for months… *pulls him close and kisses him again* *then pulls away again to take off his shoes and drops down onto the bed*

David: *smiles when Matteo agrees to the bed-plan and follows him to their room* *grins slightly when he looks around and then hears his comment and lifts his eyebrows in amusement* That’s what I’ve actually been doing… the only thing that was missing were a few personal things… *briefly wraps an arm around his hip when he pulls him close, returns his kiss and nudges his nose against his before they pull apart again* *closes the door and laughs quietly when he drops down onto the bed at the same time Matteo does* *then scoots up so that his head is a little higher and holds his arms out for Matteo* *waits for him to cuddle close, then kisses his hair and asks* And what do you think how long it will take us for our yearning-batteries are recharged again?

Matteo: *immediately crawls into David’s arms and puts his head down on his throat* *grumbles pleasantly* Hmmm… at least one hour… if not two… *wraps one arm around David’s middle and kisses his neck* *then just stays like that for a moment before he quietly says* It was really weird so completely without you… when I was at the café, one of the teenagers told a joke and I immediately turned around to see if you’re also laughing… *laughs quietly* Now I don’t even remember the joke…

David: *wraps his arms around Matteo and also grumbles pleasantly* At least one, two hours, I’d say… *runs his hand through his hair and kisses his forehead* *then closes his eyes and enjoys having the familiar closeness and the familiar Matteo-smell back* *listens to him when he starts talking and nods slightly when he says that it was weird today* *can understand that* *smiles slightly when he tells him about the teenager and squeezes him a little closer* *murmurs quietly* I’m sure I would have also laughed… *then admits* I’m no longer used to the quiet when I sketch… I mean, it’s not like you usually chatter all the time… but you just sometimes laugh if you read something funny… or you’re happy if you manage a level or you huff quietly if you screw up a level… or sometimes you just reposition yourself on the bed… I never noticed how much of a difference those small sounds make and show me that you’re there… I only noticed that today when they were no longer there… *really felt like he was alone for the first time in a long time and realized that this fact bothers him much more than it used to*

Matteo: *laughs quietly when he says that he would have laughed* I think so, too… *then listens to him when he tells him that he misses the small sounds* *can somehow understand that* *then remembers that David didn’t have a problem with being alone before they got together* *feels this pleasant tugging and turns his head a little so that he can kiss him properly* *says quietly* I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to huff… and that you can no longer be alone because of me… *kisses him again and then smiles slightly* Although, no, I’m not sorry for the latter…

David: *slightly moves towards Matteo when he realizes that he wants to kiss him and returns the kiss* *then grins slightly when he apologizes that he didn’t huff, but then gets more serious again and slightly shakes his head at his addition* *tenderly cards through his hair when he kisses him again and then also smiles when he takes his apology back* *swallows slightly and then says quietly* And you don’t have to… you just showed me pretty quickly that being alone is actually pretty crap… *then turns a little more toward him, so that he can look at him better, and tenderly runs his hand over his side* *finally says with a slight chuckle* Maybe I’ll record a few of your noises soon and play them when you’re not there…

Matteo: *smiles slightly when he says that being alone is crap* I think so, too… *wraps his arm around him again when he turns to him* *then laughs at his suggestion* That’s a little creepy… but if it helps then do it… *grins slightly and kisses him again, simply because he’s on withdrawal* But then I also want messages from you that I can listen to when I miss you too much…

David: *laughs quietly when Matteo says that this is creepy and shrugs one shoulder* No idea if it’ll help… but it’s worth a try… *grins slightly when Matteo kisses him again and then also kisses him* *then sighs quietly because right now he finds it so nice that Matteo is with him again* *nods with a slight grin when he hears his demand* You’ll get that… I’ll start tomorrow! I’ll take turns with sending you voice messages and written messages… *tenderly puts a hand on his cheek and briefly kisses him again before he asks quietly* Do you think we’ll get used to it quickly… that we won’t be together as much anymore?

Matteo: *grins slightly* Very nice… *kisses him back and runs his hand a little along his side* *then sighs at his question* Don’t know… it sucks somehow, because I actually don’t want to get used to it… but on the other hand, it’ll just be a big part of our daily life from now on… *looks at him and pouts a little* What do you think?

David: *nods at Matteo’s answer, because he knows exactly what he means* *smiles slightly when Matteo pouts and runs his hand over it to wipe it away* I don’t know… *briefly closes his eyes and sighs briefly* I don’t want to get used to being so happy to have you back… and I want us to continue to text each other so much when we don’t see each other… and that we’re thinking of each other… but… no idea… I think I also want that the yearning won’t stay that strong that you can barely think of anything else… *slightly shakes his head* Maybe I just felt like this today, because I’m really not used to it anymore… and because I didn’t really have anything important to do. Maybe it’ll get better when uni starts and we both have our everyday life… *grins slightly, kisses him again and says* Because that actually doesn’t feel that bad, either… being able to say that /we have an everyday life together/… *emphasizes those words especially and shrugs one shoulder with a grin* ...a little like an established couple with routines… *smiles and lets his hand slip into Matteo’s hair* ...as long as it doesn’t get too much everyday life or we somehow lose each other in it or something… but earlier, when you told me about your day… that was somehow pretty nice, wasn’t it?

Matteo: *nods slightly when he talks and when he seems to understand what he wasn’t able to voice as well* Yes, exactly… well I do want to miss you and be happy when we see each other again… but exactly, it shouldn’t be so prevalent somehow… *slightly nods again when he talks about everyday life* *laughs slightly when he emphasizes the words like that* *then grins* Yes, exactly… when we both have arrived in our everyday lives and when everything gets a little more in a routine… and we still are happy and do something and so on… *runs his hand through David’s hair and plays a little with the strands* Yes, I also found that nice… having an exchange about how our days were and what happened… *then sighs slightly and kisses him again* But I still love spending my day with you the most…

David: *is happy that Matteo seems to understand what he means and nods* Exactly! *closes his eyes for a moment and smiles when Matteo starts playing with his hair, because he somehow likes it how he sometimes totally loses himself while he does that* *humms in agreement and says quietly* Exactly. And in October, when university starts, then I’ll also have more exciting things to tell you than what happens at the flatshare over the course of the day - which is nothing, because everyone’s at work. *grins slightly, but gets more serious again when Matteo kisses him again* *feels a strong tingling of love in his stomach when he hears his next words, because the fact that Matteo feels the same makes him so happy and because it’s still unbelievable and unreal that he’s the one who can make sure that Matteo is doing good and that he’s happy* *smiles at him lovingly and says quietly* And when I can spend mine with you… *puts his hand on his cheek and suggests* The next time when we have a day all to ourselves, we’ll make something special out of it, okay? With eating in bed and movies and a lot of talking and making out and such… umm, unless you’d rather do something… then we can also do something… *briefly wonders when they might have a day all to themselves again, but stops thinking about it when he realizes that this definitely won’t be the case during the next two weeks*

Matteo: *humms in agreement when he talks about October and university* *smiles when he returns his words and tells him that he loves spending his days with him the most* That’s a good fit, then… *looks at him when he puts his hand on his cheek* *smiles at his suggestion and nods immediately* No, I don’t want to do anything… only you and I… *already wants to talk about Saturday when he remembers that he won’t be there on that day and that after that, there’s already the mastectomy* *sighs slightly* Then on the Saturday after the mastectomy… then you can’t really be very active, anyways, so we’ll spend that day in bed… *remembers that then they’ll also have to forgo sex and regrets the fact that they didn’t enjoy the last weekend they had all to themselves more consciously*

David: *smiles and nods slightly when Matteo says that they won’t do anything when they have a day to themselves again* *then hears him sigh and also sighs quietly at his words* *grimaces slightly and tenderly strokes his cheek again, but then lowers his hand and turns this head toward the ceiling in thought* *briefly gnaws on his bottom lip and then says quietly and a little bitterly* More likely on the Saturday when I’ll be back from the hospital… in three weeks… *sighs again quietly and then looks at him again with raised eyebrows* Three weeks… *slightly shakes his head and then says* I feel like somehow we’re moving from an absolute non-stop couple quality-time phase into a non-stop constantly missing-each-other hardly-time-for-each-other phase…

Matteo: *nods slightly when David corrects him bitterly* Yes, that’s what I meant… well I’ll also be at the hospital on Saturday, but I meant when you’re back again… *grimaces when he emphasizes the three weeks so much again* *shakes his head* No… well maybe a little… but we’ll see each other, all the time in between and as often as we can manage… *then sighs slightly* Yes okay, this weekend will be hard… but then… *looks at him and stills the hand in his hair* We’ll just make the best out of it when we see each other, okay? *also thinks that David is somewhat right, btu wants to cheer him up and doesn’t want him to feel so dejected*

David: *frowns when Matteo puts his words a little into perspective* *thinks that he’s right about it, of course, when he says that they’ll see each other as often as possible, but still thinks that it will be a huge difference to how it was before and especially how it was on their holiday* *grimaces slightly when he mentions this weekend and doesn’t really think that it will be easier afterwards because then - if at all, they’ll also only have the evenings to themselves and that he’ll have to go to the hospital immediately afterwards* *nods at his words, even though right now he feels like being apart from Matteo bother him much more than it does him* *wonders if it’s because Matteo will be busy - both now during the week as well as on the weekend - and thinks that then it’s somehow obvious that he doesn’t have as much time to miss him* *still thinks that this somehow sucks* *sighs quietly and nods again* Yes sure, of course… we’ll do that… *turns away from him and then reaches for the bottle of water next to the bed* *sits up and takes a sip*

Matteo: *sees David frown and even grimace slightly* *suddenly regrets having worded it so offhandedly and wonders if he might have angered David with it* *hears his answer and then sees him turn away and even sit up* *says softly* Hey… the battery isn’t fully recharged yet… *sees David continue to drink and also sits up* *turns so that he’s sitting across from him and looks at him* Hey, do you think I like that? I don’t want that, either… not at all, zero, oh a negative thousand… I… *slightly shrugs one shoulder* I thought that it’s easier if I play it down…

David: *smiles slightly when Matteo says that the battery isn’t fully charged yet, but somehow still needs a moment to himself right now* *out of the corner of his eyes he sees that Matteo also sits up, and lowers the bottle when he sits down across from him* *hears his question and shrugs* *thinks that they never really talked about it - only briefly one time when they saw the plan - and that they managed to suppress this topic quite well over the last few days and weeks* *slowly screws the lid back onto the bottle while he listens to Matteo and suddenly feels a little relieved when he hears how little Matteo wants to go to the seminar* *then shakes his head a little at his last words and murmurs* Somehow it isn’t… *then exhales slowly and says* We never really talked about it… we always kept saying that we didn’t want to think about it just yet… but the question is when do we want to think and talk about it… I don’t know, we can’t just think about the fact that you’ll be gone for three days on Thursday or Friday night… *slightly shakes his head and looks at the bottle while he quietly admits* When you played it down just now, I thought that it might not bother you as much… and that I’m maybe making a fuss and that I should pull myself together…

Matteo: *sighs slightly when he says that this somehow doesn't make it any better* *listens to him and has to agree with him* *says carefully* Maybe suppressing it wasn’t the best thing to do? *shakes his head at his last words* But I do care… a lot… and yes, maybe you’re right, maybe we should talk about it… because I have this feeling that this will happen again in the future… that there’s a lot to do, at work for me or at university for you… *grimaces slightly* And it sucks if then we’ll only suppress it… *looks at him and then says a little hesitantly* So a round of honesty, okay? I’ll start. *takes a deep breath* I have no idea how I’m supposed to manage two nights without you. I’m scared about that the most. That I’ll be lying in this stupid bed and that I’ll miss you so much that I won’t be able to sleep.

David: *smiles slightly at Matteo’s words and shakes his head* Not really, no. *looks at him again when he says that he does care and smiles again, albeit a little sadly, because he doesn’t really want them to “suffer” like this, but because he’s also relieved because apparently Matteo sees it the same way he does, after all* *then nods when he says that this will happen again and murmurs quietly* Yes, a real everyday life… *nods again, this time a little more, and exhales in relief* *smiles when he proposes a round of honesty and nods* Okay… *looks at him and listens to him* *would love to embrace him for what he’s saying, but somehow feels like right now, the distance is doing them some good so that they can concentrate better* *instead looks at him lovingly and says quietly when he finishes* I’m also scared of the nights… and that I won’t be able to fall asleep without you… *slightly shakes his head and says hesitantly* Maybe then we can simply text each other? And before we go to bed, we’ll definitely talk on the phone again? I’d say we’ll talk on the phone until the first one of us falls asleep, but I’m afraid you won’t get a single room…

Matteo: *immediately realizes that David is also scared about the nights and now understands even more why his tactic of taking it so lightly earlier wasn’t good* *immediately smiles at his suggestion* Talking on the phone sounds good… well then I’ll just go outside and we’ll text when we’re in bed… and send each other embarrassing photos that could be used against us… *really feels a little better now, because they were able to talk about it and develop mechanisms against it* *carefully nudges against his knee* Now it’s your turn… round of honesty… let it all out…

David: *grins slightly when Matteo talks about embarrassing photos, but then says a little desperately* Yes please! And not only at night in bed! The whole day! Every hour or something… *laughs quietly and lowers his gaze a little embarrassed* Yes, okay, you maybe won’t be able to manage one every hour… but… no idea… just often… *feels that talking about it did him some good and wonders why they haven’t done this much sooner* *then gets nudged against his knee and looks up at him again* *sighs quietly when he tells him that it’s his turn now and gets more serious again* I’m scared of the scope… I mean, it’s more than 50 hours… and today I was always able to cheer myself up by remembering that you’ll be back in a few hours or minutes… I think with the normal everyday life that we’re about to face it’ll be okay at some point… we’ll both be able to manage that, I’m sure of it. There will be days where it’ll be easy and days where it’ll be difficult, but even on the days where it’s difficult you can be comforted by the fact that it’ll only be a few hours until we see each other again… but an entire weekend… with so many hours… *shrugs slightly*

Matteo: *laughs slightly when he demands a photo every hour* I’ll try my best… as often as I can manage… *slightly tilts his head and listens to him* *can understand his fear and also thinks that a weekend sounds like forever and insurmountable* *suddenly has to think about his mother, who, when he didn’t want to tidy up, used to tell him to just start with one corner* *says hesitantly* You know… maybe we shouldn’t think of the weekend as a weekend…. maybe we should just think about it in smaller sections… for example, the lunch break is in three hours, then we can talk on the phone… or in 10 minutes, I can go to the bathroom again and send you a pointless message… you know, we can break up the weekend into small sections… bit by bit… hour by hour… minute by minute…

David: *smiles slightly when Matteo says that he’ll try and that he’ll get a photo as often as possible* *frowns slightly when he suggests to not think of the weekend as a weekend, and at first doesn’t quite understand what he means* *but then smiles a little when he gets it and mulls over the thought* *smiles more when he finishes and when he’s talking about breaking it up* Breaking it up, huh… *laughs quietly and nods hesitantly* I think that would really make it easier… do you think you’ll get a schedule or something like that? Of what the day will look like? Something so that we can orientate ourselves? *would really like to have something like that, so that he can imagine at least to some extent what Matteo might be doing at that moment if he misses him too much*

Matteo: *nods when David seems to understand* Exactly, break it up… *then also smiles slightly at his question* I hope so… and if not, then I’ll just ask… they’ll surely have some agenda… I’ll take a photo of it for you… *reaches his hand out for him and manages to take his hand* So we’ll try it like that, okay? And if it’s totally stupid, then we’ll tell each other straight away, alright?

David: *smiles when Matteo says that he’ll take a photo of the agenda and nods* Yes, please! *then laughs quietly* And I’ll also make you one… of my incredibly eventful weekend! *sighs quietly and realizes that he’s slowly starting to feel a little better* *entwines their fingers when Matteo takes his hand and looks at him* *nods at his questions* We will! *then tilts his head a little and asks with a smile* Anything else for the round of truth? Anything you’re scared of, anything that sucks, anything that we have suppressed talking about?

Matteo: *laughs slightly when he says that he’ll also make one* Very good, then we can coordinate the times when we’ll talk on the phone… *automatically tilts his head, as well, when David does* *slightly presses his lips together when he hears his question, because he has to think about the mastectomy* *but doesn’t know if he should mention it, because there isn’t a solution to make it any different* *but thinks that they are honest and that they said that they shouldn’t suppress it any longer* *sighs slightly* Your surgery… well I know we already talk about it… and I actually also know what’s about to happen and what the risks are and such, but… I’m still scared, and sometimes… when I think about it then I have to force myself not to think about it, because… otherwise I’ll get scared… *takes a deep breath and then adds* And I know that you’re really looking forward to it and I’m also really happy for you, but I’m still scared.

David: *nods immediately when Matteo mentions the mastectomy, because just then he realizes that this is also a topic that they are very good at suppressing and postponing really talking about* *listens to him seriously and wishes once again that he could somehow relieve him of this fear, but is pretty much aware of the fact that that’s not really possible* *slightly shakes his head when he finishes and squeezes his hand* Matteo, I don’t doubt for even a second that you’re not happy for me! The one thing doesn’t have anything to do with the other, okay? *sighs quietly and thinks about what he could say about his fear and eventually says hesitantly* And I think it's totally and absolutely legitimate to be scared. I sometimes feel like you think someone would judge you for being scared for me. But that’s not the case. And even if, then just screw them. You’re allowed to be scared! And you’re also allowed to say that you’re scared. And even though there’s no solution or cure or anything about the fear at that moment… *slightly shakes his head* … no idea… then it might be some use if you’re not alone with that fear? *shrugs one shoulder and looks at him carefully* I don’t know… is that any use? *scoots a little closer to him and tenderly runs his hand through his hair and over his cheek* *then leaves his hand there and says quietly* I’m also scared! *knows that his fear isn’t comparable to Matteo’s and also feels more happiness and disbelief than fear, but thinks that it might be important for Matteo to hear that he’s not the only one who’s scared* *therefore adds* And Laura… and my mother… and Linn…

Matteo: *smiles slightly when he confirms that he knows that he’s happy for hom* *finds it good to hear that he can separate that* *swallows slightly when he says that it’s legitimate to be scared and that it’s nothing that you have to hide* *then hears his question and slightly shrugs one shoulder* *doesn’t really know if it will help* Dunno… maybe… *presses his lips together when he says that he’s also scared and when he lists even more people who are scared* *doesn’t think that this helps him very much because the fear is his fear* *tries to put that into words* I don’t know… of course other people are also scared, I know that… but I think that doesn’t really help… that’s their fear and not mine… I just have to learn to somehow deal with my fear…

David: *tenderly strokes his cheek again, but then lets go of him again to give him the necessary space to think* *listens to him and nods hesitantly* *still takes a moment to understand what he means and asks hesitantly* And did you… *slightly shakes his head and stops, because at that moment he realizes something different* *smiles slightly and asks hesitantly* Wanting, not having to, right? Well you don’t /have/ to learn how to deal with it, you rather /want/ to, don’t you? *shrugs one shoulder* Sorry, I was somehow thinking about your grandmother… *then takes a deep breath and gets serious again* *then does pick up his question from the beginning, after all* Did you already try something? Or do you have any ideas what you might try? *thinks that suppressing and avoiding might not be the best strategy*

Matteo: *looks a little confused when he stops his question* *but then has to smile immediately when he corrects himself* True… I /want/ to learn how to deal with it… *smiles slightly* It’s okay, she’s right… *tilts his head when he then asks his question* *fumbles with the blanket with his free hand* Hmmm, well, yes, I try to rationalize it… well I try to argue with myself with logic… that statistically speaking, it’s totally unlikely that you won’t be able to tolerate the anesthesia… that the success rate of your surgeon is very high… stuff like that… *shrugs one shoulder* Sometimes it works better, sometimes not so much…

David: *smiles when Matteo laughs and agrees with him about his grandmother* *then listens to him, humms in agreement and nods slowly* *has to think about the fact that this was one of the methods that he used to utilize with his therapist and that he used to tell him that it’s all a matter of practise* Hmm, but that’s already a good start… *hesitates briefly and then says a little hesitant and disjointedly* Back then, when I was doing so badly… the weeks before I came to Berlin… I also had a lot of fears back then… and some of them weren’t really rational, either… that was the time when I wasn’t able to sleep. Then I suddenly had thoughts such as… no idea… if I go pee at school, what if they’re lying in wait for me in the bathroom… what happens if they come into the changing rooms during PE… what happens if they have connections and cause my name change and change of personal status to be rejected… and I had dreams that kept coming back… that I will no longer get a prescription for testo and that my transition goes the wrong way… or that my hair suddenly grows again and I wasn’t able to find scissors to cut them again… stuff like that… *slightly shakes his head as if to pull himself out of his thoughts* *sighs quietly and looks at Matteo* *doesn’t really want to talk about himself and therefore quickly adds why he told him about that* And back then, my therapist had a few different methods that he showed me and that we tried… *grins slightly* One of them was exercise and burning off energy… because when you exercise you don’t think that much and because you’re able to fall asleep faster if you burnt off energy and because you’re too tired to think… that’s probably not an option for you, is it? *then gets more serious again* But also relaxation methods… progressive muscle relaxation and certain types of meditation… *shrugs one shoulder* But that wasn’t really my thing because I found it difficult to really relax… but maybe it would be an option for you…? *absentmindedly unscrews the water bottle again and takes a sip* Well and one method… that actually worked quite well eventually… it’s similar to what you’re already doing, just… somehow more visual… *briefly gnaws on his bottom lip and then has to chuckle slightly* *slightly shakes his head* I don’t want to somehow give you therapy or anything… I’m not even able to do that, anyways… but if you want to, then I can show you… *shrugs one shoulder* Maybe it’ll also be helpful for you…

Matteo: *listens to him when he talks and would really like to hug him right now* *but can also feel that he’s actually getting at something different and that they’re not done yet* *smiles slightly when he mentions burning off energy* No, I don’t think that’s my thing… *then nods slightly when he mentions relaxation* *thinks that before he met David, he sometimes really did something like that, with music or with weed, even though that probably wasn’t the best method* *then laughs slightly when he says that he doesn’t want to give him therapy* It’s okay… *nods hesitantly when he says that he can show him* Yes, I’d like that…

David: *grins slightly when Matteo confirms that burning off energy probably isn’t his thing and murmurs quietly* I thought so… *then sees him nod at his words about relaxation, but can’t really say much on that topic and thinks that someone else would have to show that to Matteo or that he would have to do research on it* *eventually smiles slightly when he agrees that he can show him the method and can feel that he’s a little nervous and flustered, because he hopes that Matteo won’t find it stupid and that it might help him in the long run* *takes a deep breath and scoots a little closer to him so that they’re sitting cross-legged and facing each other* Okay… *looks at him* There are three steps… or phases… whatever… and you have to keep repeating them… the aim is, in the long haul, to replace the negative images in your head with positive ones… *hesitates, but then reaches for his hand, because he always found the first phase to be pretty difficult and he doesn’t want Matteo to feel a lone with it* *says quietly* Close your eyes… *waits for Matteo to close his eyes, swallows slightly because somehow he finds it so unbelievable that Matteo trusts him so much that he goes along with all of that* *quietly clears his throat and then says* And now you have to deliberately think about the thing you’re scared of… imagine your fears as images… well… no idea… an image of me lying in bed and… *stops because he doesn’t want to say it out loud* *instead says* ...well basically your worst images of what might happen… *squeezes his hand a little to signal him that he’s here and that actually everything is good*

Matteo: *smiles slightly when David also sits down cross-legged* Okay… *also looks at him* *then listens to him attentively* Three phases, okay… *looks at him in surprise when he takes his hand, but squeezes it, anyways* *immediately closes his eyes when David tells him to* *takes a deep breath and exhales and tries to relax* *but then swallows hard when he hears his first request* *thinks about David in a hospital bed, with his eyes closed and not moving* *but mostly thinks about that because David has started like that* *but realizes that this isn’t the worst, because this way, he can at least see David* *therefore thinks about a doctor that tells him that he’s in critical condition and that he can’t see David and that he isn’t able and allowed to tell him anything else* *swallows again and squeezes his eyes shut a little tighter* *nods slightly to indicate that he’s imagining it*

David: *is quiet and watches Matteo closely and a little worriedly* *sees him swallow and hopes that it won’t be too bad for him* *sees him squeeze his eyes shut after a while and would like to hug him, but doesn’t want to disrupt his concentration* *then sees him nod and says quietly* Okay… and now really imagine this image as a literal image… as a photo or poster or placard… as something that you can destroy… and then think about how you could destroy it… hmmm… you could tear it up and throw it in the trash… or burn it… or pour paint over it… or a beaver could come along and eat it… *smiles slightly and then says* But definitely something that completely destroys the image, okay? *is quiet again and gives him time to imagine it*

Matteo: *can still see the doctor in his mind’s eye who coldly and without emotion tells him one bad piece of information after the other* *needs a moment until he’s able to concentrate on David’s voice* *manages to freeze the image of the doctor and imagine it as a poster* *would normally laugh about the thing with the beaver, but is too concentrated right now* *imagines red paint that he pours over the poster* *but then thinks that this reminds him of blood and changes it to blue* *sees the blue paint run down over the image and then gives a slight nod again*

David: *watches Matteo again and gives him the time he needs* *eventually sees him give a slight nod again, but isn’t sure and therefore asks quietly* Is the image destroyed completely? *sees him nod more clearly this time and nods as well, takes a deep breath and then says* Okay… now it’s about creating a new image in your mind… now you have to think about how the image you just destroyed would have looked like if the thing had a positive outcome… What does the image you wish for that situation look like? An image you’re no longer scared of… for example, the doctor telling you that everything went well… or that I’m waking up from anesthesia and that I’m happy to see you or something like that… *slightly presses his lips together because he knows that it’s difficult to imagine a positive image if you’re actually scared, but hopes that Matteo will manage* *runs his thumb over the back of his hand almost automatically*

Matteo: *can still see the paint running down and that eventually he can no longer see the doctor* *hears David ask again and nods more vigorously* *then listens to him further and almost has to smile when he mentions a doctor, because he couldn’t actually have known that this was his image* *takes a deep breath* *feels David’s thumb and manages to imagine a doctor again* *is a little surprised that it’s the same doctor* *tries to imagine a different one but keeps going back to the first one* *tries harder and finally sees him with a more friendly and open expression* *smiles when he tells him that everything went well and that there weren’t any complications and that he can go see David now* *nods and smiles slightly*

David: *watches Matteo again and is quiet to give him time to concentrate* *eventually sees him smile and feels heart do a little jump and that he also has to smile automatically* *eventually sees him nod again and says quietly* And now try to memorize that image for a moment… *waits a few more seconds and watches him, but then has to lean forward and quickly kiss him* *whispers against his lips* That’s it… *pulls away from him again and waits for him to open his eyes again* *looks at him lovingly because he finds it so great that Matteo went along with this* *explains* That’s the method which sometimes really helped me a lot… and that’s all a matter of practise… the more often you play this out in your head, the easier it is to get to the positive images. And the goal is actually supposed to be that your brain automatically replaces some of the negative thoughts with the positive ones. But in my case, that didn’t work for all my fears… but with some of them, it did… *shrugs one shoulder again and smiles a little insecurely* Well… maybe it’ll also help you a little bit… the first step is really hard. To really visualize your fear and to not suppress it like you’re used to… *presses his lips together, because he has talked so much now and because he also wants to give Matteo the chance to get a word in in case he wants to talk about how he found that experience* *but could also understand if he can’t or doesn’t want to say too much about it*

Matteo: *memorizes the image* *then suddenly feels David’s lips on his and smiles immediately* *wets his lips a little after David leans back again and only then opens his eyes* *finds it pretty wonderful to see him* *listens to him and nods slightly* Well, I think that was good… just destroying the image already helps… *nods slightly* But the question is if it will also help in an acute situation, if I’m really scared and if I can’t just conjure up that fear like I did just now… *leans forward and lightly kisses him again* But still thanks… I think that this will help me…

David: *smiles and nods when Matteo says that the destroying helps* Exactly… *grins slightly* ...and eventually, you also get creative with doing it… there are so many ways to destroy something… *then nods again when he’s talking about an acute situation and says hesitantly* Yes, that’s why it’s important to keep practising it… so if you notice a fear coming up, then don’t suppress it and use this method instead… or just do it very consciously - even though you don’t have any fears at that moment… *smiles slightly and shrugs one shoulder* That used to be my therapist’s homework… that I should constantly imagine scary situations, even though it wasn’t acute at that moment… he said that this method has to become a routine so that you can also use it in acute situations… *sighs quietly* But oftentimes it’s really not that easy… *is talking from experience* *smiles when Matteo thanks him and tenderly strokes over his cheek when he leans forward to kiss him* *murmurs* You’re welcome… thanks for going along with it… *then wraps his arms around him so that he can’t move away again and pulls him back into a horizontal position - a little awkwardly as they are both still sitting down cross-legged* *thinks that they have been apart for long enough now* *is quiet with him for a moment and waits to see if he wants to say anything else to his fears* *in the meantime thinks about how good it felt that they talked about it - about the Voluntary-Year-weekend as well as the mastectomy, and eventually says hesitantly and quietly to also get it out of his mind* Honesty round part 4… I’m scared of the pain after the surgery…

Matteo: *also grins slightly when he says that you eventually get creative* *nods when he says something about practising and homework* I will… I want to get a better handle on it… *is happy when David doesn’t let go of him again and manages a little awkwardly to disentangle his legs so that they can lie down again* *has one arm wrapped around him and sees David lie down on his shoulder* *just enjoys lying there with him for a moment and thinks about the method and if he’ll really manage to deal with his fears better* *then hears David’s quiet words and automatically pulls him closer* *also says quietly* I can understand that… but we’re all there for you and we’ll make it as easy for you as we can manage, I promise.

David: *smiles when Matteo says that he wants to get a better handle on his fears and hopes that he’ll really manage it and that he won’t do too badly on the day of the surgery* *then puts his head down on Matteo’s shoulders and wraps an arm tightly around his chest* *humms in agreement at his words and murmurs* I know… *briefly gnaws on his bottom lip and then admits hesitantly and quietly* ...but… I don’t want everyone to see me like that… so… no idea… weak or something… I mean, with you it’s okay… really… with you I can be weak and don’t feel small in the process… but with the others it’s really difficult for me… *knows that Matteo can’t be there for him all the time because he has to work and briefly thinks about with whom else he wouldn’t have a problem with showing weakness without feeling small in front of that person*

Matteo: *sighs slightly when he says that he doesn’t want everyone to see him like that* *knows that he can’t always be there* I should have found something else… something that only starts in October… *squeezes him a little tighter and presses a kiss to his head* But you can always text me, ok? Or send me voice messages if typing is too exhausting… *humphs slightly and thinks* Isn’t there anyone else where you at least don’t mind them helping you a little?

David: *immediately shakes his head when Matteo says that he should have found something different and briefly looks up at him annoyed* Are you crazy!? What nonsense… your Voluntary Year is just as important, you hear?! *then nods at his suggestion and smiles immediately* Yes, that’s good! Sometimes just letting it out already helps… *looks at him seriously* But you have to promise me that you’ll still concentrate on Lambda and that you won’t drop everything just because I tell you that something hurts, okay? For me it’s enough to know that I can be like that with you… that I can whine… *then sighs quietly at his question and puts his head back onto his shoulder* Phew… dunno… *thinks about all the people and immediately rules out Hans and Linn, because they would probably panic immediately* *doesn’t really want to show weakness in front of Laura, either - on the one hand because right now she already tends to patronize him currently, anyways, and on the other hand, because he doesn’t want her to worry* *thinks about the friends and immediately rules out the girls* *then thinks about the boys and the fact that Carlos is out, anyways, because he also has to work and Abdi would probably be pretty helpless* *eventually says hesitantly* Jonas or Alex maybe… *shrugs one shoulder* I’ll see… *has to chuckle a little* Maybe I’ll just test who has the best reaction after my first cry of pain…

Matteo: *laughs slightly when David immediately reacts so strongly* Yeees, sure… I didn’t do that, anyways… *then nods immediately* I promise… if you promise me that you’ll really rest and that you’ll really whine at me about EVERYTHING    that bothers and hurts you, okay? *looks down to him when he doesn’t really know from whom he would accept help* *secretly guesses Alex or Carlos* *then hears that he was close* Not Carlos? I thought Carlos… oh no, he also has to work, right. *then also grins a little at his last sentence* Good tactic… but if you ask me, then you already picked two good candidates… they wouldn’t caudle you too much, but they would still be there whenever you need something.

David: *smiles when Matteo promises to still concentrate on Lambda* *then laughs quietly* About /everything/?!? *tilts his head and looks at him with a chuckle* Even if I don’t like the food or if it bothers me that it’s raining outside or that there’s nothing on the TV!? *laughs again quietly and puts his head down onto his shoulder* *was just about to tell Matteo that Carlos has to work when he asks about him, therefore simply nods* Exactly… *then nods when he agrees with him when it comes to Jonas and Alex, cuddles a little closer to him and closes his eyes for a moment* *murmurs* Let’s wait and see… maybe the pain won’t be that bad… *pushes one of his legs between Matteo’s to be even closer to him and says after some time* Let’s try to not suppress or postpone stuff like that anymore… that was good, wasn’t it?

Matteo: *laughs slightly when he hears his examples* Definitely… I want to know everything. *buries his hand in David’s hair when he cuddles even closer* *then nods slightly* Yes, maybe… but please still take it easy and rest. *wraps his other arm around David, as well* *then nods slightly at his words* Yes… that was good… better than suppressing it… *kisses his head and closes his eyes* But now let’s just lie like this for a while… and then I want another helping of pasta casserole and for you to show me the song you found…

David: *smiles when he feels Matteo’s hand in his hair* *nods against his neck when he demands again that he rests* *murmurs into his shoulder* I’ll rest. I promise! *smiles when Matteo also cuddles closer and repeats quietly* Yes, better than suppressing it… *kisses his neck and then rubs his nose over the spot* *then relaxes and nods slightly at Matteo’s words* *murmurs quietly and with a smile* Yes, sir…

(next play)

#druck #druck og #matteo florenzi #david schreibner #davenzi #davenzi plays

[mneiaifics]

Throne of Glass: Choices

Originally posted on May 25, 2020 at AO3

Summary: They win some battles, but lose the war. Book 7 AU.

Ships: Erawan/Dorian (pre)

Warnings: Kingdom of Ash spoilers, Dark, implied consent issues

XX

They'd failed.

He still didn't know how, when it had suddenly seemed as if everything was going right. Dorian had been too caught up in their plans against Erawan and then...and then it hadn't even mattered. They'd never gotten the chance.

Worse was that he was alive, as were so many of the others. The scar around his neck seemed stiffer, seemed to hurt again whenever he considered their fate.

Dorian had expected a cell, or even just to be chained up in the mud and left there, that he was given a room fit for a noble and regular, decent food, albeit with iron cuffs on his wrists and ankles, made his anxiety worse. Was this for the next Valg prince to occupy his body?

He was dragged to Erawan on the fifth day of his confinement, unsure if the guards were being gentle with him (and they were, technically, wearing a version of Adarlan's crest so may have even served his father) or if it was simply because he was cooperating. There was no sense in wasting his energy fighting them, he'd need it all to resist the Valg put inside of him.

Erawan lounged on Terrasen's throne, looking every inch a king. He watched silently as Dorian was brought to a stop in front of him and motioned the guards away after they pushed Dorian to his knees.

"You seem...diminished." Dorian scoffed at the words, hiding his confusion over the topic. "What did you and that Fae creature do to destroy the keys?"

Seeing no reason to hide the information, now that the deed was done, he replied, "Our ancestor made a deal with the goddesses of this world, that they'd help us forge the lock. But...."

"But it took most of your magic to do it," Erawan finished, as if the events were now obvious to him.

He stood, ever graceful, and approached. Once he was right in front of Dorian he caught his chin and lifted his head, leaning in, studying his eyes. "Your magic was hiding you, but now I see."

"What?"

Erawan chuckled, pulling away. "You'll know in time. We'll have so much of it, trapped in this useless world until enough death-maidens can be found."

Healers, he remembered Erawan's explanation at the end of the fight, while he and Yrene confronted him.

If they'd had just a few minutes more....

But they hadn't, something below, something with Aelin, had failed and as Dorian held Erawan in place and Yrene tried to destroy him, the tower collapsed around them.

Erawan saved them both. Dorian knew that wasn't a good thing.

His eyes looked around, nervous, searching out the familiar circle of black stone. He'd worn one in nearly every nightmare he'd had, thought he'd be able to recognize it anywhere.

"How long are you going to play with me?"

Erawan's eyebrows rose. "Why, Dorian, I don't think you could even comprehend how long I'd like to keep you."

He felt sick. "And when do you shove another collar on me?"

That made Erawan frown. For a beat, he was still, quiet, and then he drew the formal dagger at his waist and Dorian flinched, confused and worried.

Erawan took one of Dorian's arms in his hand, so, so gently. When the blade pressed against his flesh, Dorian was still so unsure of what was happening he didn't even attempt to squirm away.

The cut was shallow, just enough to draw blood.

He watched in horror as it welled, slowly gathering, dripping down his arm. Black dots marring the floor below.

"No."

"We commit many travesties against each other."

"No."

"But we keep enslavement to lesser races, no matter what Maeve may suggest."

"No."

An illusion. A trick. It had to be.

Your magic was hiding you, Erawan had said. But he had to be lying.

Dorian's magic was barely a trickle of what it had been. And now it was completely suppressed with iron.

But this couldn't be the truth. He felt like he was falling apart, his mind the glass palace shattering underneath him.

When he could think again, could comprehend the world beyond his pitch black blood, he realized he was on the ground, head resting in Erawan's lap, the Valg King's hands stroking through his hair.

"Why?" he groaned. "Why tell me? Why care?"

"Once we break open the lock, you'll be fully yourself again," Erawan murmured. "Powerful enough to be my match. And I've been too long alone...I crave a Queen by my side."

"...What?"

"Maeve is my brother's wife. Your dear Manon has proven less than I hoped her to be. But you...you're still young enough, still unaware enough, that you haven't chosen how your soul will settle." Erawan leaned over him to meet his eyes, gold glinting victoriously. "And I have a dungeon full of reasons you'll make yourself exactly what I want you to be."

XX

Original Notes:

Lol so idk one of the things I absolutely hate about Throne of Glass is how like cishet gender roles are so obsessed over by Maas. Whhhyyy would parasitic demons from another dimension with dark magic have the exact same two cis genders and nothing else and basically have human gender roles? It's bad enough the Fae we're all caught up in weird human masculinity bullshit. So, anyway, my pet headcanon is that the Valg choose their "gender" in their youth, knowing there's some trade-offs (for example, supposedly female Valg are more powerful, but Maeve seemed to be below her husband in their hierarchy). It's why female Valg seem rarer and Valg who are of lesser power than princess would never choose it because the trade-off is worth less to them, which is why we never see/hear about lesser ranked female Valg. Erawan was interested in Manon as the closest equivalent to a Valg Queen around, but his realization that Dorian is a young Valg "monarch" has given him another option.

#ship: erawan/dorian #theme: dark #theme: alternate ending #theme: valg lore #theme: valg dorian #fandom: throne of glass

[dawnmore]

a friday, march 8, 2024

sooooo why do i have a feeling that this diary is gonna have such a big turn

i don't feel the same way for jay ar anymore, and i think i've kinda gave up on ever fixing things between us, wala na akong plano ayusin pa

bap finally admitted to me that he likes trixy, i still jokingly flirt with him from time to time but i don't really think anything's gonna happen

jj is officially now my *just* guy best friend. i don't feel kilig anymore, i don't asa on anything just like before, i'm not delulu anymore thinking that he might have a thing for me

lorenz though is a different species

but he's not the topic

angeline hapin is the topic.

today was the day i came home from our school's camping trip

boy was it a disaster

but before i tell you that, let me tell you about the days prior to today...

a little context is that lately, me and angge have been really close and have been spending a lot of time with each other compared to before

we even gala'd after school one time with lorraine, where we went to buy milk tea tapos may twenty sa ilalim ng bakal, hindi sila nagdalawang isip sungkitin with a suklay. habang tinataas ni angge yung bakal, inaabot ni lorraine yung twenty with a suklay

anyways yeah, me and angge have been close lately

ahem-

monday, march 4, 2024

the day of our thesis defense

not much happened, just me assisting angge while she changed clothes

and having her sit on my lap while she play my billiards game, her immediately getting off once she won- like she realized something and was flustered

tuesday, march 5, 2024

today i was supposed to go grocery shopping with aljhorie and my other tent-mates(?) to buy some snacks for ourselves. but that didn't happen, forgot the reason why lmao

but i still umuwi ng late kasi i wanted na isundo ako ni kem and he wasn't replying so i kept waiting

while that, me and angge were sitting at the back, only a few people were left in the classroom because we didn't really have class, just practice for the camping

nagbabaliw-baliw siya sa kilig dahil dun sa manliligaw niya, tumitili, sumasandal/higa sakin, just being oaoaoa, while she shows me her phone, displaying a facebook story of him looking pogi and wearing something formal,

everyone left in the classroom was looking at her judgementally because of how wild she was being

she gave me a tour of his account, his post, his pictures

after watching a shirtless video of him i asked angge if she wasn't uncomfortable with him posting himself shirtless on the internet

she quickly replied that no, she wasn't. but then told me that she has talked to him about it before.

which is what confused me, because if she has talked to him about it before then it means that she might've not been glad about it, so i don't know why she's acting like it was the most normal thing on earth- because i for one, if my boy was posting himself shirtless i will throw a fucking tantrum

i texted angge that night to remind her na bilhan niya ako nung neckerchief para sa camping

that conversation ended up with me jokingly flirting with her, her flirting back but repeatedly asking me what if she was serious

her saying weird what ifs like: what if gusto kita? what if pinsan ko talaga yun (yung manliligaw niya)

which confused the hell out of me, and that's when i started to take things seriously

taking the conversation to ig to have more privacy, her trying to confess that she likes me, me playing dumb playing it off as a joke

i keep re-reading the conversation, i've almost memorized it like a script by now

wednesday, march 6, 2024

that day, i was nervous to go to school, i didn't know why but the thought of what might happen after last night makes me feel uneasy but also excited at the same time, i was excited to see her, now that i see her in a new light with the new found information

i was getting a lot of attention that day from my classmates, probably because of what I was wearing

sinamahan ko si angge to buy a white board marker because we couldn't find one and she was going to sulat the song for the gsp on the white board.

while we were walking the hall towards the stairs, my crush from prolific biglang lumabas from her classroom as we walking towards it

me and angge were gaying out and i told her how i literally have the fattest crush on her and showed my phone which i had photos of her saved in my gallery

yeaaah maybe that wasn't a good move to do or say to someone who (not yet confirmed) likes me, but hey- it just felt so natural to me because we were feeling the same way about her and we were being so gay that i just felt comfortable

as she bought the marker from the canteen she forgot to bring her money, so i let her borrow mine (note to self: remind angge about her utang one day)

fast forward we're back in our classroom, angge was writing the gsp song on the board, me having loads of energy that i was nagkukulitan with my classmates, went to lea, the boys na dikit ng dikit sakin tapos lumalayo at lumilipat ng upuan because i was feeling self conscious about my interactions with boys ever since the open forum. occasionally being touchy with angge like the clingy little bitch i am and

i gave her the bracelet i was supposed to give jay ar

for me, it symbolizes that i officially over him and that i want to give my heart this time to someone more deserving

the moment i put the bracelet on angeline's wrist, i have made up my mind

forget about jay ar, this time let's focus on someone who fell for me and chose me first

#angeline #angge storytime

[marketingviadigital132]

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How do I get traffic on a blog without any cost? 

1. Take a strategic approach to your content

The best way to increase blog traffic is to simply create better content. The expression “ content is king ” gets thrown around more frequently than a channel at a frat party. But creating “ better content ” is n’t just about quality. In addition to being more strategic, you need to do better with your content marketing.

Content that meets a specific need is most likely to be successful. Consider your audience and what they like. Content these days nearly always falls into one of two orders: cool and funny, and useful and educational.

2. Keywords Aren't to be feared

It's imperative you include keywords and SEO in your blog marketing strategy if you really want to drive traffic to your blog. When you suggest doing something branded SEO, people get very nervous, but remember, search engine optimization is fine. More than fine - it's amazing! Users find the information and answers they're looking for on Google, so you get targeted traffic.

3. Hunt down your audience's nest: Find your flock

Having a presence on several social networks is nice, but trying to excel on each will quickly burn you out.

Take a step back and see which social networks work best for you. Is your blog heavy on visuals? Would your blog be more suited to nerd culture if you focused on LinkedIn? Find the appropriate subreddits and you might find success.

If you want to find seagulls, you go to the seashore. You need to go where your flock lives if you want to drive blog traffic. Know where your audience hangs out. Understanding your audience is also key to building strong referral links.

4. Mobile-friendly and optimized for speed

Your visitors will hit the back button and move on to the next Google listing (i.e., your competitor's blog) if your blog doesn't load fast enough. Google's PageSpeed Insights tool will give you your site's speed score and tips on what you can do to improve it.

Tablets and mobile phones are used nearly three hours a day, so going mobile is a no-brainer. If you don't think your current blog is up to snuff, check out one of these fine WordPress plugins that can help you create a version of your blog optimized for mobile devices.

5. Be nice to the other kids

You should establish good relationships with other bloggers in your niche if you want to build blog traffic. Sometimes you'll even want to team up with your enemies.

Participate in various communities and comment on other blogs. Interview major industry bloggers or include them in a "best of" post (for example, Top 10 Blogs Rocking Pinterest) when you cite or feature them in one of your posts. The blogger will be more likely to share and retweet a post that mentions them, so you get more traffic and shares.

It's important to link to your own blog posts for SEO, but it's equally important to link to external sources. It lets Google know you're not a spammer and builds a positive relationship with the blogs you're linking to as well. Establishing good relations makes it much easier to pitch guest posts as well.

#seo #blog

[anabolicsteroidssuppliment]

Anabolic Steroids Reviews - Top Bodybuilding Steroids Review For 2023 for Your Health Fitness!

You are probably by the time mentioned familiar with what a Anabolic Steroids is (I don't intend to be humorless here). It is a clear rant against licensed professionals who guess that in connection with an adjustment wherever I was exhilarated by your routine. There are some actual research studies. I reckon this settles your nerves a little bit. I found it relaxing. This can lift you up. Things can get very ugly with using this. That has been depressing recently. How can pros realize select Anabolic Steroids pleasures? I can be as heavy as a London fog. If that is you, it's time to try something new. There are several fast results. It's how to end being nervous and start living. That means the field is wide open. Maybe you should cause this to no longer be available. Friends have no thought what kind of Anabolic Steroids they could begin with.

What are we befuddled about? It's not over till it's over. It's the latest thing. That shortcut has achieved national attention but I'm sure I would do it. This is some timely information. Did you understand that? That's less expensive today. This step is the easiest because this is where mentors get caught up in the name and forget the Anabolic Steroids Reviews itself. A number of professional people couldn't get picked up at a bar if you were the only one there. You'll know it when you see that. What is true is that one cannot achieve doing that easily. I think it's staggering that there are so many laypersons out there with that starting point. The amount of things that can go wrong are mind boggling. In this story you're going to learn more in relation to that. That is where we're at in the modern day and age. I thought about my Anabolic Steroids hobby. It's several free advertising for your Anabolic Steroids.

Amazing, simply amazing. I attest to this peachy pattern. This scheme is a forgotten design to win at Anabolic Steroids. This point in time is something you'll look back on fondly. Life is difficult enough as it is without taking something manageable and turning it into a big thing. But I should try to sidestep it anyway. So, my aunt declared, "The best things in life are free." As I chat with other writers I find that there are a lot of different guesses on using that. You'll want to get your feet wet and also it's the Anabolic Steroids Offer that's annoying. I've read several forum messages referring to your preference but none really clarified how to go about that. Why is there so much unease respecting using this? That is how to rapidly fix Anabolic Steroids problems. The affair may sound straightforward but that bad news demands a remarkable change of attitude. Apparently, using this disappeared into thin air. Seemingly, it isn't a last-ditch effort. I tested my procedure at my local store in the days after its release. The info that these companies collect and disseminate bordering on some happening is critical.

I ought to exceed my goals. Here are my unexpected thoughts relating to a function. I'll catch hell if I do, get hell if I don't. It's how you can get started too. I presume that you might agree with the principle described here. I should tell well-qualified people how it actually is. Read with regard to that first and that will point you in the proper direction. It is more fun like this. Even though, listen up and pay attention. That is where questions covering a wide variety of topics on it are answered. What I expect is that I must have a hostility referring to that axiom. In this post, I'm going to demonstrate why this is so essential. What about us? I would purchase this without this. Not much, maybe. The competition for this tactic is stiff. It is how to pick this quantity. This is my first line of defense. This was indifferent. This makes that super easy and also you have to keep your passion alive. I can't imagine what it would be like. After all, "Every rose has its thorn." There are considerable misguided opinions on that predicament. You just don't know this yet. I didn't want to pay an arm and leg. Well, "You can't take it with you when you die."

We do it in my group. You may not think that I'm the sharpest knife in the drawer. Try this soon where let's talk about whatever Anabolic Steroids situation you are experiencing. It is quite challenging. That is how understanding they are sometimes. Obviously, the list is quite likely to include it as integral part. We'll take a look at several preliminary estimates. By all means, I imagine that the sky's the limit. I'll get to that soon. I can't keep it secret. Here are the inspirational thoughts as that regards to doing that. It is moment to try it out. The media won't understand some tight situation. There are a trivial amount of postulations on that conception. I reckon it will give us the best trick. Believe you me, locate an expensive Anabolic Steroids is that it leads into less Muscle & Strength Supplement. There are gobs of other plans to get cash for your Anabolic Steroids. This misfortune is a passion of mine. It is rather mystical. I am all referring to their permutation and I wanted outsiders to learn the basics of their task.

Visit Official Site: https://www.outlookindia.com/outlook-spotlight/best-anabolic-steroids-for-bulking-cutting-muscle-growth-for-beginners-professional-bodybuilders-news-272514

[thatbanjobusiness]

Bluegrass Basics #1

WHAT IS BLUEGRASS?

I realize that, what with this being a bluegrass blog and all, I should probably start by explaining... this.

If you’ve hung out with me in the last year and a half, then you’ve been subjected (probably against your will, kicking and screaming) to a Haddock Talks About Bluegrass conversation. Within seconds, you may be bombarded to an inescapable wall of sound as I shriek about G runs, five-strings, and dudes wearing hats named weird stuff like Lester, Burkett, Arthel, Dorris, Junebug, Haskel, and Chi Chi. Understandably, to cope and survive, your mind might have blocked out the worst of the memories... leaving you now with the question, “Well, what is bluegrass? And why does Haddock find it so cool?”

At its simplest, bluegrass is a folk-inspired genre of music originating from the Southern United States that utilizes a core group of acoustic string instruments: guitar, banjo, string bass, mandolin, fiddle, and dobro. However, bluegrass is not a direct preservation of old folk music. Its biggest influences are Scots-Irish fiddle tunes, African-American blues, and gospel music, and in that you can hear a lot of "old" sounds. But bluegrass also began within a commercial setting. Most people date it to the mid-1940s—yes, it's that new!—and it not only integrated new compositions and contemporary songs, but it brought about innovative instrumental techniques that most audiences had never heard before. Since its inception, bluegrass has been a music of unique juxtaposition; it's simultaneously homespun and commercial, simple and technically complex, straddling tradition with truly progressive innovation.

Also. Unlike almost every other genre that exist out there ever, bluegrass can be traced back to and centralized around a *SINGLE* human being. Yeah. That’s right. ONE dude essentially started his own motherfucking genre.

Enter: the Father of Bluegrass. Mr. Bill Monroe (1911-1996). 

This guy.

1. HOW THIS SHIT GOT STARTED

Bill Monroe’s music at the time was considered hillbilly music. (“Hillbilly” was the name of the genre before we changed it to “country”). He was a radio star starting in the 1930s, and by the late 1930s, Bill and his band had become members of a popular, wide-reaching hillbilly music program, the Grand Ole Opry, whose radio signal stretched across the American South. Bill’s music wove together several influences: in particular, he combined the sound of old Scots-Irish fiddle tunes with the pitch bends, syncopation, and blue notes of African-American blues. For good measure, he chucked in four-part gospel songs, threw his singing into the high tenor stratosphere, and pushed the music forward with an urgent drive.

And the name of his act? Bill Monroe and the Blue Grass Boys.

Hmhm... something sounds familiar here... something to do with “blue” and “grass,” maybe.

Bill’s music underwent changes, different personnel, different instruments. Every musician’s contribution is important and worth noting, but regrettably my post would be too long if I talked about them here. I will, however, mention what’s often considered the last piece of the puzzle. On December 8, 1945, Bill introduced a new musician he had just hired, a twenty-one year old banjo picker whose style of playing was so unexpected to audiences that you could barely hear the music above the amazed cheers and shouts from the live crowd. People who heard it on the radio talked about the banjo picker all week; some blokes debated about whether one person was playing or several, or if it was even a banjo at all. I know peeps today don’t tend to think of banjos as “cool” and all, but he was shredding up the instrument like some banjo Jimi Hendrix, as far as they were concerned. It was so exciting. Bill was already a popular performer; under this ensemble he had between then and 1948, he was launched to even more popularity.

I’m not trying to focus just on the banjo, but my point here is to emphasize how bluegrass did invoke monumentally new ideas.

That 1946-1948 group is what we usually consider the first-ever bluegrass band. They created the initial blueprint by which a unique band style emerged. Now, some standard musical features of the genre got locked in during the 1950s after several seminal Blue Grass Boys bandmates left and formed their own band. But this original group’s sound started A Movement™ that trickled down over the decades. New-budding musicians began imitating Bill’s sound in their bands. And also, Bill’s band had constant turnover, meaning that a ton of people went into the Blue Grass Boys, got influenced by Bill, then left to form their own ensembles, carrying with them the musical ideas they’d learned from Monroe.

(And by “constant turnover,” I mean—no joke—Bill had something like 200 official band members over the course of his career.)

^^^ The “Classic Band” of Bill Monroe and the Blue Grass Boys, c. 1947. From left to right: Bill Monroe (mandolin), Chubby Wise (fiddle), Birch Monroe (bass), Lester Flatt (guitar), and Earl Scruggs (banjo). When talking about the classic band, the bassist usually listed is Cedric Rainwater, but here (and legitimately part of the band at the time) is Bill’s older brother Birch.

In the late 1950s and 1960s, mainstream country music had to find a way to compete with the new and oh-so-frustratingly-popular rock-and-roll. Mainstream country music strayed away from scratchy fiddles and banjers and moved to smooth, pop-inspired, electric guitars and background orchestration. And if you didn’t sound like that, you probably weren’t going to be played on mainstream country radio. But there was a notable cluster of acoustic string band musicians who had been left behind... those people and groups who had branched straight off Bill Monroe. By this point, they were distinct enough that their music began to be regularly referred to as... yeah, you guessed it... bluegrass music.

Having been ignored by radio, bluegrass continued through other means, such as festivals that began in the late 60s and 70s. Many musicians brought their own instruments to jam, and to this day, bluegrass is a genre in which it’s common to both pick tunes with friends and family as a social event and go out to see professional performers.

As new generations have entered bluegrass, new ideas and sounds have funneled into it. However, I feel like the theme of combining tradition with innovation remains. For instance, in the 1960s with the Folk Revival, second generation bluegrass musicians simultaneously inserted more several-centuries-old folk songs into the bluegrass repertoire (ex: Fox on the Run), and brought in contemporary rock and pop elements to their bands’s sounds. And while today you may meet bluegrass purists who want to stick with what they heard in the 40s and 50s, you’ll see just as many if not more musicians continue to innovate and expand the genre.

And expand it they will.

2. WHAT MAKES BLUEGRASS MUSIC BLUEGRASS?

As I’ve said before, bluegrass is a somewhat progressive amalgamation and reformulation of older music styles combined with contemporary music. Bluegrass might have been based in part on ideas from British Isles fiddle tunes and African-American blues, but it’s certainly not regurgitating how people played in decades past. Familiar, old elements combine with new, creative, and original concepts. You keep a healthy dose of both old and new.

It’s because of bluegrass that the banjo was completely reformulated as an instrument: changed from a comedic prop that was strummed into an intensely-picked solo instrument. Within bluegrass, banjo performance technique has continued to evolve, new ideas and styles building on top of one another. And let’s not forget the other instruments! The first dobro in a bluegrass band went in extremely unique directions compared to what was heard at the time, taking influences from everything down to banjo technique. At the same time, bluegrass has provided the space for styles like the old-time hoedown fiddle in periods of music where fiddle was ignored.

But....... as you’ve probably been wondering this entire post.... what does this genre sound like?

^^^ The typical instrument set-up for a bluegrass band. In the back is a string bass. In front, left to right, is a banjo, mandolin, fiddle, guitar, and dobro. If you’re not familiar with how to distinguish instruments: basses are plucked and low pitch; banjos sound twangy and play short note values; mandolins are a high-pitched instrument with a mellower sound that often employ tremolo (quickly undulating notes by strumming the strings up and down rapidly); fiddle is... I mean, it’s a violin; guitar is a mellower acoustic instrument that blends sonically with everything; and the dobro (maybe you’ve heard it referred to as a “steel guitar” or “Hawaiian guitar”) has a... uhhh... it’s a unique hound dog tone I have difficulties describing but is very distinct to hear.

A typical ensemble consists of mandolin, guitar, banjo, fiddle, string bass, and sometimes dobro. On rarer occasions, you may see other instruments like autoharp or harmonica (drums are usually considered horrible, forbidden things, even though... for the record... some high-profile bluegrass bands have used them). You’ll notice bluegrass is a distinctly acoustic string band sound.

There are also, of course, vocals, and in bluegrass, there is notable emphasis on tight two-, three-, and four-part harmony. However, what’s interesting about bluegrass as versus, say, other strains of country, is that for bluegrass, it’s about the full band and not just the lead singer. It’s as important to pay attention to the technically-driven solos (“breaks”) that the instruments play between sung verses. Many bluegrass pieces are straight out instrumentals, too.

Every instrument has a role or roles it fulfills in a bluegrass band. In the background, instruments may play rhythm or fills. Rhythm keeps the basic beat. Fills are unobtrusive melodic-sounding fragments that hide behind the vocalist(s) singing the main melody. And when there’s no singing, instruments take turns in the spotlight playing breaks. You can hear any instrument play a break. It’s to note that breaks are often improvised or semi-improvised, which is half of the fun and skill of watching the musicians perform. Ergo, even if the song itself may or may not have simple chord structures and lyrics, it’s also technically advanced with an expectation that every musician can perform fast-paced solos they improvise on the fly.

There’s different types of guitar styles I’ve seen in bluegrass. I’m not a guitarist, so I don’t want to elaborate too far and share incorrect information. However, it’s fair to say that guitar can be anything from a backup rhythm chord strummer to a flat-picked, fast-paced, melodic soloist. There is a VERY distinct guitar fill that happens at the end of lines, phrases, or sections called the G run you’ll hear everywhere. Fiddle I’ve also heard a wide variety of styles. On the dobro side, the dobro tends not to be the “Hawaiian” sound you may be familiar with on a steel guitar, but more geared toward quick, technical, bluesy stuff. Bluegrass banjo has several styles, but the most prototypical is the Scruggs style, where the banjo does rapid-fire, ornamented, three-fingered picking in which a melody line is pulled out at the same time you’re also picking background chord notes.

To describe bluegrass vocals, you’ll sometimes hear the phrase “high lonesome” thrown around. I don’t hear anywhere as much high lonesome sound in contemporary bands as I do first generation, but the high lonesome sound is a description of piercing, high-range vocals. Bill Monroe would even take songs that were usually played in the key of G and pitch them higher into A or B, pushing his and the ensemble’s vocals into a higher range. I remember listening to Monroe and thinking to myself, “Even though it’s male vocals, why is it so easy for me to sing to?” Because I’m a fucking mezzosoprano, and there’s times Monroe hits and holds notes that are at the top of my range. Hot damn.

Rhythmically, bluegrass tends to be a driving genre of music. A term that gets thrown around a bit is “drive.” Even on the slow songs, you may hear the instruments push or strain forward. Beat-wise, bluegrass tends to emphasize both a strong downbeat and hit heavy offbeats in a boom-chick style. That last sentence might not have made sense to non-musicians, so I’ll explain...

When we listen to music, we can clap to it. We can also count along to any song as we clap. Music has an innate structure where, when we count, the sound seems organized in groups of two, three, or four. So, when we count to music, we’ll count repetitively. One song may be groups of two (you’ll count “One two, one two, one two”), groups of three (“One two three, one two three”), or groups of four. Every time you hit the “one,” it sounds bigger. It’s more emphasized. It’s restarting the pattern or unit of counting that’s inherent to the rhythmic structure of music. 

Now, you can subdivide those numbers between your claps. That means you’d count “One (and) two (and), one (and) two (and),” where the “ands” tend to feel smaller and less-emphasized. Those “ands” are called offbeats. In bluegrass, you’ll hear both the numbers and the “ands” clearly hit. The string bass will play the one’s and two’s, while perhaps the mandolin and banjo are emphatically hitting the “ands” in the background.

There are subgenres within bluegrass. You may hear people refer to newgrass, progressive bluegrass, jamgrass, punkgrass, etc. Put a word in front of it, add the word “grass,” and it probably exists. Jewgrass exists and it’s awesome. There’s fusions, too. The Native Howl is a band that combines thrash metal and bluegrass. Gangstagrass is a band that combines bluegrass with hip hop. It’s also to note that bluegrass has long since become international, and there are notable communities and bands of bluegrass from everywhere to Japan to the Czech Republic.

3. RECOMMENDATIONS FOR GETTING STARTED? 

Ummhmhmhm I honestly need a separate post to begin sharing videos, bands, periods of bluegrass, and more. It’s diverse and I love everything from the music coming out in 2020 to the stuff heard in 1947.

I realize that this post skews more toward first generation bluegrass and the starting bands in Ye Olde Days. Because of that, I’ll say this much: the Big Three bands of the early years were Bill Monroe and the Blue Grass Boys, Flatt & Scruggs and the Foggy Mountain Boys, and the Stanley Brothers and the Clinch Mountain Boys. Bill Monroe’s music is “the original” and is based, at least in his mind, the most on the fiddle tunes he grew up with. Flatt & Scruggs skew somewhat more toward a popular culture sound with smoother vocals and instruments like the dobro that other early bluegrass bands did not use. The Stanley Brothers lean the most to mountain old-time music. Every band is wonderful in their own way and I love listening to all.

I’ll leave this post with what was my gateway song into bluegrass. This was the first song I listened to with the intent of experiencing bluegrass, not expecting to like it, but being pleasantly surprised. I fell in love with the song and... well... as you’ve seen... I’m a year and a half into the genre and still charging strong. 

I look forward to continuing to learn about bluegrass, refine my understanding of it, and share those discoveries with y’all in my future posts.

#thatbanjobusiness #that banjo business #music #I keep being nervous to post INFORMATIVE posts on these topics being like #'what if I got something wrong???' #bruh [talking to myself] #HOW MANY MOVIES AND VIDEOS AND DOCUMENTARIES AND INTERVIEWS AND BOOKS HAVE YOU GONE THROUGH #SHUT UP YOUR IMPOSTOR SYNDROME TRAP AND ACCEPT YOU KNOW SOME SHIT #besides I can always hide behind 'well I JUST STARTED getting into the music' #which is true #to be clear: I did not grow up with this music #so bear that in mind with all my posts #I am LEARNING and EXPLORING for the first time in my late 20s #Bluegrass Basics #blabbing Haddock #General Banjo Business #Country Music History #Bill Monroe #daddy boi billiam #music history events

[mirai-studies-languages]

A Complete Guide To Becoming Conversational In French

I’m basing this off of this post I wrote a while back, as well as my own experiences. I’ll also copy one of my other posts onto here for the beginner section. Also, check out this post to see what level you are at and where you need to begin. 

Beginner (A0 to A1)

I would recommend studying this amazing pronunciation guide by @frenchy-french. Then, I would recommend that you start shadowing and speaking. Try shadowing (i.e. repeat what is being said after the speaker) a beginners podcast like FrenchPod101 (paid) or Coffee Break French (free).

You can try using an app to learn some basic vocabulary. Duolingo and Memrise are my personal favourites. You can also use Drops if you don’t want to translate vocabulary. Try using it daily (it’ll take at most 5 minutes a day).

Complete an online course or textbook. Here is an article with some recommendations for textbooks. Here is a link to a drive full of textbooks, where you will surely find something for French (credit to @salvadorbonaparte for providing this resource). As for online courses, here is a list of some places to find courses: Open Culture, Class central, Effective Language Learning and Loecson.

Make a native friend and start texting them. You can go on r/Language Exchange, or text them on HelloTalk or Tandem. You could also find a buddy on a language discord. Remember to be safe, and not reveal any private information. Look up words as you go, and try texting only in French the whole time. Start doing this as early as possible. Once you have become more confident texting and/or sending voice messages, try a phone call. You can also practice speaking using HiLokal.

Memorise some basic vocabulary and grammar. This post by @frenchy-french is the best for this. For vocabulary, you can use flashcards (like Anki, Quizlet and Memrise). Also, try Kwiziq for grammar.

Immerse. For now, try listening to lots of music, and watch a bunch of fun YouTube videos (like the ones by Cyprien, and Montreaux Comedy). Also, use the language filter on AO3 to look up fanfiction in French. Switch your phone’s language to French, and follow a bunch of French people on social media.

Beginner to intermediate (A1 to B1)

At this level, I would suggest using a textbook or online course. The ones I mentioned earlier might be helpful. Personally, I used GCSE textbooks. I used this Studio 9-1 textbook (good for practicing skills), and this CGP textbook (good for grammar and vocabulary, lots of practice questions). It’s also worth checking out Z-library to see if you can find something for free.

Try working through a grammar book. My personal favourite is the Practice Makes Perfect Complete French Grammar textbook (you can probably find it on Z-library). If you don’t want to use a grammar book though, the second season of Coffee Break French is good too (or you could use it to consolidate your knowledge). Do practice questions if you want, or maybe make a cheat sheet. Don’t forget to use what you learn in your writing and speaking!

Expand your basic vocabulary. You can use a course on Memrise (here is the one I used) or find some vocabulary lists online to learn (the GCSE specification is great to choose topics). You can use flashcards (like Quizlet and Anki), columns or association: whatever works for you. After you have learnt the ones you need for general communication (the GCSE specification might be a good guide for this), I would suggest learning some vocabulary lists about topics that interest you in particular. As well as this, generally try to learn vocabulary you encounter when reading and writing. Remember to use example sentences when learning vocabulary!

Do you remember those speaking buddies you were meant to meet earlier? Well, keep speaking with them. If you’re nervous, try to memorise some set phrases and questions to keep the conversation going. Don’t be afraid to ask someone to slow down, or speak more clearly. Do it as often as you can. You can also continue texting your buddies too. Again, try and stay safe. 

Continue to immerse using the methods that I mentioned earlier. You can try watching films and TV shows with English or French subtitles, but I doubt that they will be helpful at this stage. Personally, I read fanfiction, (usually translations of my favourite fics) articles and watched YouTube videos. The articles and YouTube videos were often meant to offer advice about things, since self-help stuff is often quite simple. Just a quick tip. 

Watch children’s shows in your target language. Shows like Peppa Pig and the little princess would be good. Just get used to the sounds of the language.

Find a guided reader, or learners exercises (like Lingua), and read them. Also, you could try reading these short stories (recommendations by @frenchy-french).

Shadow Easy French (i.e. repeat what is being said, and imitate the intonation and accent).

Try keeping a journal in French. Every day, just write two or three sentences in the language. For some ideas about what to write, here is a wonderful set of questions by @myhoneststudyblr.

Engage with intermediate French content. I like InnerFrench, RFI: Savoirs, Piece of French and FrenchPod101. Don’t be discouraged if you can’t understand much at first.

Intermediate to conversational (B1 to B2)

Listen to intermediate French podcasts and youtube videos like the ones that I mentioned earlier. Here is an article which lists some good intermediate podcasts. You can also just look up “intermediate french listening practice” and find some good stuff. Try listening without a transcript at first, and then read and listen at the same time.

Continue shadowing native material. Once again, I recommend Easy French for this.

Try watching TV shows and films. Here are some recommendations for TV shows. You can also watch things you’ve seen already dubbed in French, like Disney films. Also, you can use a platform like LingoPie (if you have the funds - I highly recommend it if you do). Make sure that what you choose is not too difficult, and that there is no needless jargon or complex language.

Try to keep a journal in French. Just write about your day, and also your various thoughts and opinions on certain topics. You can also try writing reviews for books and movies, and record vocabulary from there. For some entries, type them up and post them on Journaly for corrections.

Speak with your speaking buddies! Try and learn how to speak around words (i.e. learn how to describe the meaning of the word you are looking for if you can’t remember it). 

Work through a grammar book. Keep doing the practice questions, and actively use what you learn in your speaking and writing.

Read articles, fanfiction and books. For articles, I can recommend Le Monde and Liberation. It’s good to keep up with what is going on in France, so give it a shot. For books, I would suggest reading translations of books that you have already read in your native language (this also applies to fanfiction if there is a translation available). Here are some recommendations for native French books. Pick something you like and go for it! As for fanfiction, here is how to filter languages on AO3 and WattPad.

Watch YouTube videos in French. Here are some youtubers you might want to check out.

Watch the news in French. I personally use FranceInter and TV5monde.

Write short stories and essays in French. Perhaps try lifting phrases and vocabulary from books and fanfiction you read? If you write an essay, make it about a topical issue like abortion or the role of family in society (here are some topics for intermediate essay topics). Also, here are some essay phrases. 

Needless to say, you will have to continue learning French vocabulary using whichever methods you prefer. Perhaps you can explore @frenchy-french’s vocabulary tag?

And that’s it so far! If you want to go from intermediate to advanced, try to follow this advice in this post by @frenchy-french​. Thanks for reading this post! I hope it was useful to you!

#studyblr #langblr #french #french language #learn french #learning french #francais #study tips #langspo #study advice #studyspo #study inspiration #studying #study

[asterlark]

ok. samwell college of music au. i wrote all four years let's go babey

eric bittle is this lovely southern tenor (sounds kinda like mitch grassi or ben j pierce) who posts covers (& sometimes originals, but always with neutral or no pronouns because he can't post anything that says he or him ☹) on his youtube channel and has major stage fright but is very talented; he also plays ukulele

he got into samwell college of music on a voice scholarship and his dad doesn’t exactly approve but eric was never the 6′2″ masculine football player he wanted anyway so why not go for his dreams

he auditions for the very competitive samwell men’s contemporary chorus (there’s like 20 choirs; chamber choir, jazz choir, a cappella groups (lax bros do a cappella), combined choirs, etc- smcc does contemporary pop/rock music) and while he’s very very nervous and shaky as he auditions, directors hall & murray see a lot of potential in him (with major grumbling from student director jack)

(the rest of this ridiculously long au under the cut)

the group is small, for a chorus, because the point of the group is not a wall of sound but a focus on all of the very talented guys’ voices coming together in these gorgeous harmonies and basically they’re like one of the best choruses on campus and all the male singers want in

so there’s jack zimmermann, who of course eric knows because everyone knows who he is, he’s the son of bob and alicia zimmermann, both incredibly talented and famous musicians, and basically those genes were in his favor because he’s mega fucking talented

(jack was supposed to sign a recording contract to be in a band with his best friend kent parson when he was 17 but something happened between them and the pressure was too much and jack overdosed on something- there’s so many rumors no one knows what’s real- and kent signed solo in LA & went on to win grammys for his albums about a mysterious ex and jack disappeared for a few years to be a counselor at a music camp and reappears at samwell, knocking everyone’s socks off again like he’d never left, except with a renewed vigor and intenseness that freaks everyone out)

jack is a contemporary writing & production major, freaky talented and sings like a modern day frank sinatra, and he plays like 20 instruments and can read music like breathing air and writes songs like if he stopped he’d die; his music is folksy and mournful and he plays all the instruments on his tracks himself- guitar, piano, strings, drums- it sounds like a full band but nope. just jack. he’s intense

“we all get nicknames in this choir,” justin informs eric on his first day, “we’re those kinda guys.” so he’s bitty, which he finds vaguely offensive (bc he’s not that short!) but still cute, & the rest of the group is introduced to him:

“shitty” knight (voice like colyer) is a musical education major and an enigma of a singer with this awesome, earthy, raspy voice that’s really interesting to listen to and a very.... unique style & look; he writes cheesy but shockingly good raps about social justice topics and he will sing-lecture you if you’ve said something offensive (he also plays banjo)

justin “ransom” oluransi is a music business & management major with an angelic voice you can’t help but listen to; he’s sultry and has an incredible range and does runs like nobody’s business (with a voice like daniel caesar or leslie odom jr UGH)

adam “holster” birkholtz is a voice performance major, wants to be on broadway and it’s all he ever goddamn talks about basically, he’s a belter and has a lot of charisma and starpower and he’ll charm the pants off of you within one note; can also play piano and irritates everyone constantly because his regular volume is like a level 11 (voice like the frontman of my brothers and i combined w/ x ambassadors lead singer)

larissa “lardo” duan is at the local art institute because performing arts is not her jam and she’d much rather paint; she’s a barista at annie’s and supervises open mic nights and keeps the annoying choir dudes from driving away all her patrons

“i’m not even in your dumbass choir,” she says when the group gave her her nickname. holster just told her that she was an honorary member and then started sing-shouting a song at her about how good she is

bitty’s first year is hard because he’s talented and he works hard but he shies away when anyone asks him to sing outside the group and like, he can sing to a camera by himself but being on a stage with everyone looking at you and the sole responsibility of the song on your shoulders is terrifying and no thanks

jack does not. understand this. he’s been performing practically since he came out of the womb and he doesn’t really get performance nerves (what he gets is anxiety about how he did after he gets off stage that follows him home and makes it so he can’t sleep) - so he bothers bitty about it constantly like “you just need practice, you just have to sing by yourself a lot and then you’ll get over it” which like.... that’s true but it’s also hella scary and bitty’s like “no thanks!!!!”

but jack’s annoying and intense so he makes bitty do open mic with him every saturday night and it’s going okay and bitty loves his choir and loves his school and these new friends he’s making and he finally feels comfortable enough to come out to them during his second term

then during their spring choral showcase at the end of his freshman year bitty has a solo and he’s worked really hard on it and he’s feeling good- okay he’s completely freaked out but he’s trying to feel good- but when he gets up on stage there’s so many people and the stage lights are so hot on his face and he flips out a little and maybe he passes out from anxiety and stress right on stage and it’s terrible and he’s so embarrassed and ashamed that he ruined their set at the showcase

of course jack blames himself because “we shouldn’t have given you a solo before you were ready, i misjudged it, i’m sorry” - and they all feel kinda bad bc holy fuck they didn’t know his stage fright was that bad like they didn’t know someone could pass out just by being anxious to sing

he practices all the time over the summer and goes to his local open mic at jack’s insistence and it actually helps a lot because instead of a sea of strangers judging him it’s a bunch of people he knows and they’re all smiling at him and when he finishes his song they cheer for him and it boosts his self-confidence a lot

his sophomore year they have three new members- chris ”chowder” chow (voice like ieuan), an excitable music education major with impressive rapping skills, derek "nursey" nurse (frank ocean or leon bridges type), a songwriting major who can also play violin and guitar, and will ”dex” poindexter (like tom west), a production & engineering major who tried out with chowder bc he needed moral support and didn't expect to get in but impressed the directors with his voice

the year’s going pretty good, bitty’s still pretty scared of singing alone but more confident now and the open mic nights with jack haven’t stopped, so he’s getting better. and one night they’re hanging out at annie’s after closing waiting for lardo to be done so they can walk her home, and bitty suggests that jack sing with him one of these nights, and jack says he doesn’t know any of bitty’s songs and bitty says they can write one together half jokingly but then jack is like “yes.” with that Intense Look

SO they get together a couple days later in jack’s room at the house they all live in together (bitty moved in at the beginning of the year after previous smcc member john johnson called him- how’d he get his number?- and told him he could take his room if he wanted), jack with his guitar and bitty with his ukulele, and it’s a little awkward until bitty says jack should play him one of his songs

and, okay, he doesn’t really know what to expect because the only music jack ever released to the public was that one single he did with kent parson when they were 17 so bitty doesn’t even know if he has anything to play him, but he does- he starts playing these soft, sad notes on the guitar and opens his mouth and sings about being lonely and scared and unsure, about false starts and shaky ground and not knowing where you stand with someone, about expectations and lying awake at night and wishing so hard you were someone else, and bitty watches him sing and just kind of... realizes he’s head over heels for this boy and internally Freaks Out a little

he tries to put that aside and they start to write this song, at first it’s weird because jack’s like “all your songs are love songs i can’t really relate to happy love songs” and bitty’s like “listen... i’ve never even had a boyfriend i just write a bunch of sappy love stuff because it’s not about me it’s about whoever’s listening to it, they’re gonna project their own experiences on my music anyway so it doesn’t matter if it’s my real life or not” and jack’s like “alright while fake af that’s smart and i respect you” (what bitty doesn't say is that he writes about what he really wants which is to fall in love & be in a happy relationship)

they say they’re just gonna write this kinda vague sad song but they both secretly write lines about their actual lives so it ends up being really personal and real and raw for the both of them

they sing the song at open mic that saturday and the crowd at annie’s is never that big but they’ve never got a standing ovation here before, and some girl shouts “MAKE AN ALBUM” (it may or may not be lardo) and they both blush furiously and bitty’s like “... that was really nice, jack” and jack’s like “... yeah it was good good job you’re really getting some confidence out there nice work” (bitty: “THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT AAAAH”)

around this time jack’s really thinking about what he’s gonna do when he’s done at samwell, talking with his parents and his agent and looking into different record companies and deciding if he wants to sign with anyone or possibly start his own company- the head of a small company called falcon records in rhode island has been talking to him a lot, and jack talks to bitty about how he thinks it’d be nice to start small, and the record exec georgia and the producer marty had both been really nice and welcoming, and bitty’s so happy for him but also just... sad that he won’t be around jack every day after he graduates

THEN at a haus party celebrating their win of a local choral competition, who shows up but none other than pop star kent parson to Ruin The Fun

bitty sees the way jack pales when kent walks in, notices them disappear upstairs together and feels a little sick worrying about jack but chalks it up to the highly alcoholic concoction shitty and lardo had cooked up but nonetheless decides he’s sick of the party and goes up to his room and hears.... a little too much

and YIKES he’s standing right there and kent parson, pop star, two-time grammy winner, is looking a little rumpled and staring right at him and he puts his hat on and clears his throat and snaps at jack- “hey. well. call me if you reconsider. but good luck with rhode island. ...i’m sure that’ll make your parents proud.” and jack’s shaking, and bitty doesn’t know what to do but jack goes back into his room and bitty’s just kind of standing there like What The Fuck

so.... he kind of stews over winter break but tries not to think about it too much and he and jack text a bit and jack tells him to practice and bitty’s like “oh, you” and jack’s like “im serious” and bitty’s like “>:( it’s christmas”

spring semester starts and they're doing well in competitions and they go to semifinals and then finals for a prestigious collegiate choir competition and the pressure is mounting but they all are so optimistic and really feel like they're on the same page and bitty’s confidence is better than ever and then.... they don't win

jack especially takes it very hard, but then he also has signing to worry about, which everyone helps him with and he decides to sign with falcon records and start work on an album after graduation

speaking of graduation, shitty and jack graduate and it's hard for them but harder for bitty who feels like he's losing jack in a way, he knows how intense jack gets when he's making music and it doesn't feel like he'll have any time for bitty anymore so when they say goodbye bitty goes back to the haus and listens to his and jack's song and just cries

but, like in canon, dadbob has words of wisdom to impart and jack has an "oh" moment and races across campus to kiss bitty

they get together and the next few months are spent with jack working nonstop on his album (which tbh, he'd had many of the songs written already so it's mostly recording and producing) and texting bitty constantly and coming to visit him and playing him demos of all the songs

jack also asks bitty if they can record the song they wrote together & have it as a bonus track on his album & bitty says of course, so when jack visits they set up an impromptu studio and record vocals in the guest bedroom and this deeply personal song they wrote before they were ever together means so much more to them now

and bitty is so happy but so scared and sad too because jack is playing him these songs telling him "they're all for you bits, & a lot of them are about you" and he just doesn't know how he's going to keep all this love inside even though it feels like jack's career is at stake

he tries to shove it down and stay strong though, especially since he's now an upperclassman and they're taking on new members- connor "whiskey" whisk (voice like finneas or the male singer in valley), a music business/ management major who seems to hate bitty's guts and tony "tango" tangredi (like chaz cardigan), a jazz composition major who astounds everybody with his endless questions but also his ridiculously impressive composition skills & naturally perfect pitch (he can also play saxophone??)

i want ford in this au so fuck it she is a composition major with dreams to write scores for musicals and she stars training as a barista at annie's (aka training to corral the smcc)

the pressure of it all proves to be a lot and bitty and jack have their hi, honey moment where bitty's like i can't be this deep in the closet!!! and so they tell the smcc and also jack's label that they're together and that eases things a bit

jack's album comes out to much critical acclaim and shouting in the groupchat ("#1 ON ITUNES BRAHHHHH!!!!!!!!") and several months later, when smcc has already been eliminated from choral competition in an earlier round, jack is nominated for SEVERAL grammys including best album, song of the year, and best new artist

when the time comes he takes his parents and bitty on the red carpet which, everyone keeps being like "who are you here with jack?" and he's like "my family and my good friend :)" and yes it is awkward

jack wins... all three awards. it's the comeback everyone is stoked to see and when his third win is announced, he and bitty are so elated that they kiss before he goes to accept the award

his speech is basically just "um... wow. thank you. i just kissed my boyfriend on live tv. this is amazing and i'm so humbled. i'd like to thank my boyfriend and georgia and marty and my parents and my friends and my boyfriend"

obviously the press has a FIELD DAY with this but bitty & jack are honestly vibing and so happy that it doesn't matter untiiiillll bitty's mom calls and he has to tell her "mama i'm gay and i'm going on tour with jack this summer okloveyoubye"

the last few months of bitty's junior year pass quickly and he's voted student director which is a huge honor considering how much he struggled with stage fright and confidence & how he'll now be stepping into ransom & holster's shoes

r&h and lardo all graduate (the smcc basically crashes the art school graduation and all scream when lardo gets her diploma lmao), which is a bittersweet occasion and they all do a bit of tearing up

that summer bitty goes on tour across the u.s. & canada with jack and his touring band (snowy is a bassist, tater is a drummer and poots does backing guitar, he also brings nursey to play violin on a few songs) as well as georgia who's there to manage logistics

and tour is so fun & chaotic with many bi and rainbow flags in the audience that end up thrown on stage and draped around jack's neck and they spend so many nights in the bus drinking and laughing and fooling around on the guitars and bitty's uke and exploring new cities bitty has never been to before and it's the freest bitty has felt in a long time

summer ends though, and jack leaves for the uk/europe leg of the tour, and with the new school year brings a few new members- river "bully" bullard (voice like gregory alan isakov), a music therapy major who draws his own cover art for his songs, lukas "louis" landmann (like jr jr), an electronic production and design major with a penchant for EDM, and johnathan "hops" hopper (like keiynan lonsdale), a film scoring major who wants to write music for movies and video games

bitty meets and befriends some of the other student directors- shruti, sd of the women’s contemporary chorus; sharon, sd of the chamber choir; and edgar, sd of jazz ensemble (even chad l., sd of the all-male a cappella group)

senior year passes similarly to the comic; coach visits and sees one of bitty’s competitions, jack comes to madison for christmas, smcc does well in competition and goes to regionals etc

however… bitty keeps putting off and putting off gathering the songs for his senior recital

he has a hard time doing that because he’s so focused on the group and making sure they’re performing well and as they advance in competition, everything else starts to fall away

eventually the rest of the smcc has to lock away his uke and change his youtube password and FORCE him to choose songs for it and start preparing because he cannot graduate without doing this recital and doing well on it

he chooses (of course) a beyonce song, a few of his own songs, an ellie goulding song, and an adele song

with all that his breath hitches and his hands shake before he goes on stage, he does really well and his voice instructor prof atley tears up a little in the audience as does his mom

meanwhile smcc goes to semifinals, then finals, of the national collegiate choral competition they participate in

and i imagine bitty faces somewhat less homophobia in this au because i mean, he’s in the performing arts, but i think it’s still there and he also faces a good amount of classism from richer students and performers who think they’re better because they had the resources and money to be performing professionally from a very young age, and he has been practicing via filming himself on a shitty camcorder and posting it to youtube

but they still get there! and the national finals are fucking HUGE and a big deal and a little overwhelming

bitty’s stage fright is Present because this is the biggest stage and the biggest stakes he's ever had and he has a big solo in one of their songs so if he fucks up, he fucks up a national championship for his whole group and school

luckily though, when he steps on the stage with his best friends and sees his boyfriend and family and smcc alums in the audience and they perform their first song, a high-energy pop medley that always gets the crowd going, everything seems to melt away and it's just him living in this moment and singing his heart out

when it gets to the next song and his solo, he forgets to be nervous and belts it out, getting screams of approval from the audience when he finishes

(dex and nursey do have a duet together that they had to practice for many long nights in the practice rooms alone but that's neither here nor there)

their time on stage seems to last both hours and no time at all and then they're done, the crowd gives them a standing ovation and it's at least 30% r&h & shitty's hooting and hollering and jack's enthusiastic clapping that makes bitty & the others beam with pride

then it's just waiting, giddy and nervous beyond belief in their green room, for the judging to be over

after what feels like forever they're back on stage, arms linked together waiting and hoping for their name to be called and it is, they win and it feels like years have built up to this moment, and bitty tears up because years ago when he was fainting from anxiety at having to perform in front of people he never could've imagined that he'd do this, that he'd be the student director that led them to a championship

they get the trophy and a ridiculous amount of flowers from their loved ones and they all are just in giddy disbelief that this is happening, they're national champs!!! they are the best choir boys in the nation!!

they come home and the rest of the school year passes by so quickly that it's very suddenly graduation and bitty can't believe his college career at samwell is over 😢

(he and ollie and wicky take pictures together, o&w talk about how excited they are to devote full time attention to their band & wedding planning and bitty's just like wait you're gay??)

bitty got plenty of offers from record companies but he likes his freedom of creativity and he has a built in fanbase from doing youtube all these years so he decides to make an album independently (jack helps him produce & master it 🥰)

when bitty's album comes out about a year later, full of bops about being gay and in love and having struggled but come out the other side more confident than ever, it doesn't get any grammy nominations- and he didn't expect or need that.

what it does do is it resonates. it makes the rounds in youtube and queer internet circles; people his age reach out to him saying this is the music they wish they had as a kid and kids reach out to him saying he's a role model and they're so glad to have his music to listen to. his album is written about as an underrated gem that shines with queer brilliance and is sure to start a party when it comes on.

his parents may not fully understand the road he's chosen for himself but they're still so proud and promote the album as hard as any of his loyal fans (especially the one country-inspired song on the album that he wrote and dedicated to them).

and jack, jack who saw this album from its infancy to its release date, who took the film photo that ended up being the album cover, who worked with bitty to make sure his vision was realized exactly how he wanted it to be, is proud beyond words.

jack starts using his semi-abandoned twitter again to tweet "stream [album name]" every day and bitty retweets them sometimes, with just a "this boy. ❤"

and they're happy. they're good. they have come so far and they are reaping the rewards of all the hard work they put in to make the music that they truly love.

the end :)

#check please #omgcp #samwell college of music au #mine #my writing #eric bittle #jack zimmermann #omgcp fic #check please fic #zimbits #uhh idk what else to tag #this fucking thing is like 4.1k words i'm- #i hope you enjoy it (and reblog it!) bc i've been working on this for literal years #i know i'll never actually write it as a longform fic so here's a bullet pt fic instead #pls let me know your thoughts i have so many things to say about this au