#I give myself permission to become my own person and break the cycle | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

luffysscraps · 9 months

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Straw hats kinks;🔞

cw: Headcanons.NSFW.Smut.18+.Fem reader. Luffy’s a bit gross. (BUT IF YOU DONT LIKE HIM LIKE THAT THEN YOU’RE NOT A TRUE LUFFY FAN‼️‼️) Sanji cums on food.

Characters: Luffy. Zoro. Sanji.

Not proofread.

-Luffy

• Hair pulling (Giving and receiving); he didn’t know how much fun it was to pull you down on his cock by your hair. Watching you try to get away from him and forcing you to look at him by your hair made his dick twitch. He also loved when you grasp his head when he’s going down on you. The feeling of your fingers gripping his hair harshly made him hard instantly.

•Excessive cum; Again he discovered this by complete accident. Even without using his devil fruit powers his balls are abnormally large and filled to the brim with cum. Doesn’t matter how long ago he was sucked dry they’ll refill within an hour. And with Luffy’s stamina he doesn’t even notice when he’s shooting blanks. But watching you fill up with his cum turned him on even more which resulted in him going longer creating an endless cycle of cumming inside of you. He likes to pull out slowly and watch the juices drip down his cock and onto the bed sheets; making a mess of your pussy.

•Spit; He’s so messy. His kisses are so sloppy. And he knows this, he often apologizes for his messiness but doesn’t do anything to improve it. So when he accidentally drooled over on top you he didn’t expect his cock to twitch so wildly. So (with your permission of course) he begins to spit on you more often. In your mouth; on your boobs; ass; pussy; face. Anywhere you’ll allow him to he does so. Hell he’ll even ask you to spit on him some times.

•Belly bludge; He loves placing his hand on your womb and, every time he thrusts feeling your skin stretch to accommodate his size. “Hmm~ I can feel myself inside of you~!” He’ll groan out with a laugh on the end of it. He makes it a game, placing his hand on your stomach as he’s trying to feel his tip with every thrust.

•Marking/Biting; He loves, loves, loves to leave marks on your body. By the end of your session you’re left with red and purple hickies and bites all over your body. He can’t seem to take his mouth off of your body, there’s something so addicting about having your soft skin in between his lips. A simple neck kiss often turns into a sex session because he’s so turned on by just sucking on your skin. (Although he does forget his own strength and ends up biting too hard sometimes.)

•Body crushing; “You can take it! Can’t you?” He giggles while he smothers you against the mattress. He loves the feeling of his weight on top of you. At first he used it as a way to restrain you and stop you from squirming but he soon began to enjoy the control he got from it. You can barely breath from underneath him, and your squirms were no more. There was something unexplainably sexy about you two being so close to each other that turned him on. He didn’t know what it was but now he loves to smother you against the bed sheets

•Bonus; He doesn’t mean to be so rough with you, it’s just that he doesn’t know his own strength and when he’s going at it, his mind runs blank more often then not. He’s not in control of his body and stretches his dick to reach your womb, trying to go beyond but it seems impossible. So he’s made it his goal to break through your womb! And he tells anyone who asks what his dreams are or goals. “My goal is find the one piece, become pirate king and break through Y/N’s womb!” He shouts in the middle of a heated battle. Sometimes you wonder why you love this idiot.

-Zoro

•Throat fucking; Zoro often has you laid out on his bed in front of him. He spreads out your arms grasping both of them tightly. He positions himself at the entrance of your mouth and goes to town. He loves to grip your throat and feel the outline of his cock as he thrusts in and out of your mouth like his own personal toy. So warm; so wet; and don’t get him started on that tongue of yours. It’s something about your throat that Zoro loves (slightly) more then your pussy.

•Dacryphilia; When your eyes start to water and tears prick the corners of your eyes Zoro let’s out nothing but a moan. There was no concern for you. He loves watching the tears streak down your cheeks as you whine and cry about how his cock is too big and too much for you to handle. “What is it too big? Come on now Y/N~ I know you can handle it~” The power and control he feels from seeing your pathetic tears make his dick run wild.

•Breastfeeding; The man loves boobs, and he loves sucking on them too, this kink was a no brainer. He doesn’t know why but playing with your nipples and sucking on them gets his rocks off. He’ll get hard In seconds from just playing with them. Sometimes he’ll fall asleep with a nipple in his mouth.

•Cockwarming; Just like how he’ll fall asleep with your nipple on his mouth, he’ll fall asleep with his cock still inside of you. It feels at home just being inside your warm cunt. He loved spooning you and just shoving his cock into you without warning and falling asleep in seconds. It’s just so relaxing, feeling you squeeze him tightly in his sleep. He’ll stay like this with you for hours, but don’t be surprised when he wakes up and starts going to pound town without warning.

•Boxers; something about seeing you in his boxers makes him hard in a heart beat. Man sees you wearing his boxers and he is sprung. You look so sexy wearing his underwear, he can devour you in seconds if you come to bed wearing his boxers. The boxers being way too big for your figure; the way he can see the outline of your cunt. It drives him crazy. A simple nap together can turn into getting freaky in the sheets because of you wearing his boxers.

•Orgasm control; “listen to me. You can’t cum now. Don’t disobey me baby girl~” Again it’s the power going all to his cock. When he feels you squirm and your walls twitch he shakes his head “Ah, ah, ah. You’ve gotta hold it until I cum first alright?” His voice is so demanding and feeling your uncontrollable twitching go against his words causes him to smack your ass. “Bad girl~” he warned with a smirk.

•Breeding; The thought of knocking you up is just so enticing to him. Stuffing you full of his cum and watching you quake and shake makes his body feel so hot. And watching your baby bump and tits grow larger just turns him on so much. He’ll place his hands on your stomach and breasts every day, feeling them swell as the days go by, god it just makes him hard instantly. He’ll pump you full of cum every single night, he can’t help it he loves using your hole for hours on end.

•Bonus; not really a turn on, turn on. But Zoro finds it hot when his s/o is smarter then him. Say something smart, figure something out or lead him back to the crew and he’ll just stare at you with a devious smirk. He’s totally silent but that smirk on his face is all telling.

-Sanji

•praise (giving and receiving); “you’re doing so well for me princess~ just a little more.” “What a good girl you are for me~” “fuck~ so tight. So good for me~ hmm~” with Sanji being Sanji, even if he can’t speak full sentences he’ll praise you to the ends of hell. But if you praise him back, call his cock big, tell him how good he’s fucking you, tell him he’s amazing and sweet to you; he’s hard again in minutes and you’ve earned yourself another round.

•Brat taming; My goodness, please, please, please act naughty and disobey him. It turns him on soooo much. If you tell him ‘no’, try to get away from him, or tell him something mean he’s quick to remind you who’s in control here. He’ll pin you to the bed like “uh uh uh~ Be a good girl for me, okay princess?” With a playful wag of his finger he’ll lightly scold you and act like what you did was childish before rightfully punishing you. Shoving his cock in your pussy before fucking you painfully slowly, and with your body pinned you can’t move at all. You’ll end up whining and begging for him to speed up, and only when you say please is when he’ll comply.

•Spanking; It goes hand and hand with brat taming. Be too naughty in one night and he’ll bend your bare ass over his knee. “Now you’ve earned yourself 20 spanks. I want you to count with each one or else I’ll have to start over.” He warns before he smacks your rear. He’s gentle with you, not too harsh but not too soft of course. He just wants you to learn a lesson. And when he sees the plush of your skin turning a soft red and purple it drives him wild. After the spanking is over he’ll kneed the bruised skin with a sly smile. Sinking his fingers into it to hear you whine and cry more.

•Bondage; He likes the restraining aspect of bondage. He likes to tie you up and restrict your movements. He’ll tie your hands around your back with just about anything he could get his hands on. A rope, a ribbon, his own tie. Loves to watch you squirm and cry, begging to be unrestrained but you’re at his mercy. It makes him feel like he’s in control, only he can let you go and only he can make you feel like this.

•Oral (Giving); Sanji LOVES to eat you out for hours on end. He’ll tie your hands behind your back and place his hands firmly on your thighs so you can’t move. He’ll leave a trail of kisses along your stomach before his head dips down to your wet cunt and his tongue does it’s job. He’ll have you ringing out orgasms on end. Not stopping from your whines and protests of overstimulation. He’ll go until your clit is sore and your pussy aches. He loves eating you out, your juices are simply delicious. He loves feeling your thighs squeeze his head, he swears he can cum just from your noises and the action of his tongue sliding in and out of your slick.

•Food play; Sanji often treats himself with a snack late at night and that’s you. He’s brought whipped cream and hot fudge to the bedroom and you’re his plate to decorate. He’ll tie you down to the bed and spread whipped cream on your sensitive nipples, a trail of hot fudge runs down to your pussy and cherries on top to garnish the dish. He makes you a work of art before devouring your body. As he eats you up like no tomorrow you can feel his hard on pressed against your inner thigh. You’re just the best dish he’s ever had, how can he not get hard?

•Bonus; “I’ve made you a special dish tonight my love.” Sanji beckons as he enters the bedroom holding a plate. You know exactly what that meant and hummed softly laying down on the bed. “It’s a chocolate eclair, made with Love~” He sung happily taking a piece of it up with his fork and putting it to your lips. You could see the runny, milky-clear, liquid of his sperm sitting on top of it and you gladly ate it and you could see the exact second his cock gets hard in his pants.

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catherinegraceo · 2 years

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A Woman's Body: A Woman's Choice - Moxie On Monday

The moment we give up the sovereignty of our bodies is the moment we give up, and women can never give up.” Catherine Grace O'Connell Tweet If you’re in the minority against a woman’s Right to Choose, I suggest you move on. Today’s Moxie isn’t for you as it is dedicated to the fight for a woman’s Right to Choose. It is also a call to action, a call to the women who share my passion for guarding with all our might the sovereignty of a woman’s body. When I began my personal mission to heal and started sharing my voice on Instagram, I became an unexpected activist in the ageism arena. You may not know that I’ve had the heart of an activist and a desire to change this crazy world since I was a young girl. I saw pain. A lot of pain. My father’s pain that ultimately became my own. I was determined to do better. To be better. I knew on some level, I would choose differently so generations behind me would no longer have to repeat the cycle of abuse and the cycle of incest. I could see Roe falling from miles away. The intention of a wildly extreme right wing minority wanting to control the majority in this country has been front and center for some time. What I know for sure is that, when things go wildly right, they go wildly wrong. The same is true for the other direction. Any extreme isn’t healthy. When a ship tilts too far right, the ship hands know to run over to the left to balance the ship. And vice versa. Balance, the middle way, is the only way. I’m afraid the middle in the US is long gone. I’m terrified. Terrified for women who will need abortions and can’t get them. Terrified for all the young women ahead facing unexpected pregnancies, unwanted pregnancies, they must carry to term. Terrified for women who are raped. Terrified for victims of incest, like myself. Terrified for women who miscarry. Terrified for young women forced to become mothers before they’re ready. Terrified for teen pregnancies they can’t afford. Terrified for our future. You should know by now, I’ve never been one to run from fear. I’ll run straight into the fire before running away from this fight. The Good Fight. The only fight I know. Let’s be real, this won’t be easy. But, one thing I’ve learned in this crazy life, nothing worthwhile ever is. I’ve suffered miscarriages. They were devastating. Soul Crushing. I’ve been sexually abused. I’ve had to terminate a pregnancy having learned my baby would die. A baby I prayed for, for ten years to have. Not choosing to do so would have cost me my life as well. No woman wants an abortion. Period. Abortion comes from a mistake. It comes from a lack of education. It comes from not knowing better. It comes from carelessness, and not taking precautions and living in the heat of the moment. It comes from being human. It also comes, tragically, from sexual abuse, rape and incest. Abortion is, and always will be, a heart breaking, devastating decision that no woman wishes she had to make. But it’s a woman’s body. It’s a woman’s decision. It is a woman’s sovereign right. There is no State that holds a right to violate such personal sovereignty. No woman should be forced to carry a fetus to term for any reason whatsoever, should she not wish to. Forcing her to do so has a different definition: Slavery. In many states now, a woman’s lost her right to choose anything at all, including terminating a pregnancy that was forced on her by another, without her permission. Let’s not kid ourselves. This is an attack on the poor and the underprivileged. No matter what state you live in, if you have means, you can get an abortion quietly and without others knowing. If you do not have means, you must bear being a handmaiden to the state. You may live in your body, but it’s not yours. Today, I am asking women who share my belief that a woman’s Right to Choose is vital to use your Voice and use your Vote. I am calling on all of these women to join me and to join forces to come together and to fight the Good Fight, the fight for a woman’s sovereignty over her own body. When we lose our personal sovereignty, we’ve lost everything. I came close to losing everything, really EVERYTHING, and I’m not about to let some crazy right wing extremists take over our minds, our country, our courts, our Congress and a woman’s body. Never Ever. Will you join me?

Need More Moxie?! See all my Moxie On Monday's!

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#aginggracefully #empowerment #Inspiration #MoxieonMonday #Women

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fyeah-bangtan7 · 3 years

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Jin: “I just hope anyone who likes me is happy”

When you’re trying to speak candidly with someone, it’s not always easy to be pleasant and considerate at the same time. Jin is all those things. “Butter” is staying on top of the Billboard Hot 100. How does it feel? Jin: I can’t really get a feel for what kind of response it’s getting since I can only go to and from work right now. Since all the awards shows are done remotely/have moved online, too, we can’t accept any awards in person or feel the vibe in person or anything. And I don’t use the Internet much, really. Consequently, I ended up feeling less pressure and I could enjoy the promotional period itself a little better. I’m just glad we’re doing well in the meantime.

In your last interview with Weverse Magazine, you talked about the pressure you felt after “Dynamite” topped the Billboard Hot 100, but it seems like you’re mostly over that. Jin: You could say that I cleared my mind, or that I worked through some things. I’m pretty sure I am doing better than then. I’m keeping a pretty regular routine now that I’m getting accustomed to commuting life, even though my schedule is sometimes a bit erratic. When I had to keep working without a single day off, I was sometimes really tired because I had things of my own to do after work before going to bed, but now after cycling through this routine for a while I’m a little healthier and I’m getting a little more sleep, too.

Before “Butter” came out, you released a solo song, “Abyss.” You were very forthcoming about the psychological difficulties you revealed in the lyrics and what you wrote about the song. What effect did releasing “Abyss” have on you? Jin: I felt a kind of relief. I want my fans to picture me as being happy and I don’t actually want them to know that I feel that way, but now and then I feel the need to talk about what’s inside me. It’s been a few years since I expressed it in a song or explained anything about it so I feel a tiny bit relieved.

Part of the lyrics say, “I want to know more about you today.” That overlaps with the line, “I hold my breath and enter my ocean,” to make a song that’s like you’re meeting your own inner self. Jin: Even I don’t know myself very well, and I was also depressed at the time, and that’s how I chose to face that part of myself. I never had a chance to meet myself, and I just feel like I was submerged in my own ocean and came back up to walk on the beach.

It’s not a perfect solution, but just the act itself of trying to go deep into the place with the answer appears to have had a positive influence on you. Jin: I’m trying. I thought that sort of exercise was right for me, but if this doesn’t resolve anything, I’ll try something else, and then something else. If I’m having a hard time, I can ask the label for some time off to do something else. I feel like just being able to do that, even, is a little bit helpful itself.

Is your style of singing in that song related to the message you wanted to convey? You tried to reveal the problems you had in a frank manner and solve them in some way, and the song disclosed your emotions as straightforwardly as the lyrics did. Jin: I handled the overall direction and composition of the song with Kye Bumzoo, one of the producers, and Pdogg, the other producer, directed while I recorded the vocals. We decided I would just go with my gut and not try to make it sound pretty or anything. That goes for the lyrics, too. I prefer songs that convey emotion in a calm, straightforward manner, both when I sing and when I’m listening to music.

Then what about “Butter”? Although it’s also straightforward like “Abyss,” the feelings it expresses are more pleasant. Jin: Seriously, sometimes I think how great it’d be if I could sing this kind of song exclusively—other than the chorus. (laughs) I mean, every song we sing is so high-pitched. If you take out the chorus of this song, I thought I could do this song live pretty comfortably, no matter how hard the dance moves are.

You sing the “Butter” chorus in a light, high pitch. You must have given a lot of thought about how to express yourself for that part. Jin: I felt pressure because the notes in the chorus are particularly high, so I put all my power into singing it, but I actually ended up putting too much power into my vocals, so I kept thinking I have to ease up and chill. When we were doing the first performance in particular, I forgot all of that and put power behind my vocals. I get nervous for every performance, but some make me especially nervous. I feel it sometimes whenever I do those performances. Inside I’m like, Right—Seokjin, you said you would ease up, remember? Anyway, it’s also nice that I get to show off a lot in “Butter.” You know I’m handsome, right? (laughs) It makes me happy that I can show off my handsome face to my heart’s content and show you everything I’m capable of. I wanted to show all of this off in a performance as quickly as possible.

“Butter” opens with you making gestures with your hands while looking cheerfully into the camera. I imagine you had a lot of fun preparing for the performance. Jin: Practice is honestly a burden, though. Usually when we practice, I’m slow at learning the moves. So I’m not very good at it. [And] when I practiced with [performance director Son] Sung Deuk, he was really worried at first. This is tough—can he pull it off? He worried a lot, right up until we got up for our first performance, but when he saw me again after two or three weeks of doing “Butter,” he said to me, Whoa, is this Seokjin, the guy getting all that hot feedback lately? (laughs) He said I was dancing great. At first I hadn’t seen the response, so I asked him if he was teasing me, but he said, “No, everybody’s saying you’re dancing great.” If that’s really true, it’s all thanks to him. (laughs)

In the “ARMY Corner Store” video uploaded to YouTube for FESTA 2021 in celebration of the eighth anniversary of your debut, you said you put a lot of effort into following the songs and dances. Aren’t you satisfied with how “Butter” turned out? I feel like the song was more enjoyable thanks to the character you’ve built up over time. Jin: Well, the song where I’m most satisfied with myself is “Butter,” because I’ve been honing my skills for a long time at this point, and “Butter” is our latest release. As time goes by and we come out with more songs, and if I improve more, my favorite song will be whatever is newest, and then “Butter” might not be as satisfying to me anymore. But it’s the most satisfying one for now.

In what ways have you gotten better? Jin: When I first started this job, I practiced according to the staff’s directions, and even now in the case of dancing I’m still striving to follow along, but it takes me less time to adjust than it used to. When I review after practice, I can see how it’s going and what I need to do. It takes a little less time to line myself up with the beat than before, and I think I’ve become able to refine it a bit better. I was also happy this time around when Hobi told me my dancing really improved.

How was performing for “Permission to Dance”? Jin: I really like the song, but when we perform it, I wish I’d had more time to prepare. We had a comeback in May with “Butter” and then a fan meeting concert in June, so we got ready for “Permission to Dance” at the same time we were filming performances of “Butter.” We didn’t have anything else we had to work on before “Butter” so we had plenty of time to practice it, but we had to practice “Permission to Dance” and get ready for the fan meeting simultaneously. Time’s always tight, but I think I could’ve done even better if I could’ve taken a little more time. I wish I had had more time to put a little more effort in.

The more time you spend practicing, the better the outcome, and the more ambitious you end up becoming. Jin: So, I’m not good at memorizing lyrics, for instance. I think some of the other members can catch on real quick, but it’s not like that for me. So if we do something like a new song or a special one at a fan meeting, I have to spend more time preparing than the others. When a new song’s coming out, I have to practice for at least 4-5 days to get the hang of it.

You performed the rap in “Daechwita” for BTS 2021 MUSTER SOWOOZOO, but it’s really rare to see you rapping. I imagine the process you went through to practice was intense. Jin: It was so hard. I had to do “Daechwita” and “Chicken Noodle Soup,” but it was only about a month before the concert when the set list was decided. During that time, I’d come home after finishing work, turn on the music for “Daechwita” and practice it for 15 minutes, then do “Chicken Noodle Soup” after that, and then go straight to sleep. The next day I’d wake up, go to work, come home and do another 15 minutes of “Daechwita” and more “Chicken Noodle Soup.” I kept repeating that for a really long time. I’m terrible at memorizing lyrics so that kind of took a while.

That’s a lot of time to keep practicing constantly like that. Your work-life balance must also be important, too. It’s difficult to practice beyond a certain amount of time every day without having some time to relax. Jin: Exactly. Like I said, my skills are lacking when it comes to memorizing lyrics, but I think I have other abilities that cover up for what I lack. In fact, I enjoy constantly memorizing things like that. My gift is my ability to enjoy practicing repeatedly, so if I somehow succeed before the deadline, I give myself praise. (laughs) Practicing takes me a long time, so I just decided to treat it as one big project. The way I do it is, when I say it’s time for a break, it’s time for a break, and I rest to my heart’s content.

You seemed to be talking about the importance of time spent outside working hours in “ARMY Corner Store” when you said the measure of your satisfaction is the degree to which you can pass your day meaninglessly. As a member of BTS, you must not have that much time to spend as you please. Jin: Koreans my age have no choice but to self-improve these days. You have to improve your qualifications, learn things, and people even tell you your hobbies have to be productive, even though they’re hobbies. After being taught that way since I was young, I think I need to follow through on that somehow. I feel like I have to do something productive, even when I’m trying to take a break. But if I don’t do a single thing and just loaf around in bed, or do some unproductive, unnecessary activity, I actually end up feeling satisfied. Go from sleeping to waking up, waking up to eating, eating to sleeping again. Wake up from sleep and suddenly want to watch TV, and go watch it. If there’s nothing good on TV, play a game, then look at the clock, and if it’s late, sleep. I think everyone needs days like this.

That time must become all the more important when you’re busy being a member of BTS, since you don’t have much time to spend that way. Jin: When I’m not working, all I really want to do is something I enjoy for myself. In that case, people might wonder why you’re doing things that won’t help you in life, but I think that time’s important for everyone. Society is always seeking out the things that are useful. And that’s good, too, but for our own sake, I think we require time to find stability in our own minds, even if it looks useless in the eyes of others.

Speaking of which, you posted a picture of yourself eating with Bang Si-hyuk, the producer, on Weverse. It’s amazing that two people with so much influence and things to do can take the time to relax together. Jin: People around the office might feel he is unapproachable, but I don’t find him to be like that. (laughs) So I asked him in passing to have a drink and he suddenly said, “Okay, when are you free?” Most of the time, though, I only meet like that on a spur of the moment, so I said, “Uh, I’m busy right now. This day’s all booked up, too, and so’s this day.” (laughs) “Then just give me a rough time and I’ll make time when you’re done.” We talked back and forth like that and he came to see me the next day for dinner when I was all finished with work. And he said he’d cook for me and buy wine, too. Anyway, it was a nice meal.

You couldn’t have felt that comfortable with him before your debut (laughs) but as time passed, many things have changed. Everyone became so successful, too. Jin: You could say that I was in a position where I was looking for a job when I was a trainee. At the time, I thought people who got chosen seemed really cool, but by contrast I had no confidence. I don’t think it would’ve actually happened this way, but I thought if I talked to someone who found work, they would give me the cold shoulder, sort of. So I didn’t feel very confident.

I think you showed that you have confidence with the joke you told on tvN’s You Quiz on the Block about your older brother calling you Mr. Seokjin lately, or when you talked about the mood when an older relative gave you money for Korean New Years on V LIVE. That you can easily accept anyone no matter how they handle you. Jin: Right. If I don’t behave that way, everyone else has a harder time. People I know will say “the superstar is here” as a joke. If I say, “Superstar? What are you talking about? Don’t say that,” and give them a serious look, they’ll have no idea what to call me next time or what to talk about. Honestly, if someone who’s meeting me for the first time or doesn’t see me that often responds in that kind of somewhat exaggerated way, they might think it’s fun. I’m sure that’s the way I’d react if I met a really famous person. So if someone says, “Aha, the superstar is here,” I say, “the superstar has come!” too. As long as I don’t respond in a serious way so everyone can tell it’s a joke, the ice is broken.

Now that you’re a superstar for real—not a joke—is there anything you’d tell the old, unconfident Jin from the past if you could meet him? Jin: I don’t know what I would tell him. I want to tell him to keep his head up (laughs) but if I gave my old self too much to think about, he might end up feeling exhausted after practice and give up. I think it would be enough just to tell him to work hard.

Where do you find the ambition to keep working hard, even now? Jin: From ARMY’s reactions, of course. I’d say I’m trying harder and trying to do well without exhausting myself so I can see people on Twitter or Weverse saying I’ve improved or that I’m doing a good job. And these days we have to do the performances on film, and we shoot them in advance for the sake of quality. Because of that, we usually record the performances long before the songs get released, which means we have to change our looks for the recording. It’s hard to go public with my new look until anything’s officially released for that reason, or else there could be spoilers. That makes me all the more eager to show off the best parts of myself in our performances. If it weren’t for the current situation, I could instantly see our fans’ reactions, so it’s a shame they can’t see me working this hard.

What would you like to say to ARMY? Jin: I hope our fans don’t lose their laughter. I’m not really good at saying those kinds of cheesy things. It’s not in my personality. I feel embarrassed and cringey when I talk like that and I can’t take myself seriously, so I try to keep it to a minimum. But fans watch us as a hobby, you know? Hobbies are all about enjoying yourself and being able to laugh, so I want to look happy for them, not exhausted. I go out of my way to make funny posts or leave funny replies on Weverse to make them happier. I just hope anyone who likes me is happy. And I don’t want them to see anything bad. That’s how I feel about my work.

#bangtan #jin #m:weverse magazine #210728

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forthisone · 3 years

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Thoughts on Handmaid’s Tale Season 4 so far Spoilers up to S4E8, the episode I’ve just watched.

Fair warning: This kind of went from me trying to explain why the show feels wrong for me now in a measured way, to a full on rant wall of text. This is maybe something that should be a diary entry more than something that should exist publicly, but fuck it.

This is all just my opinion. I know some people have problems with S4 (like me) and some people are finding it an improvement on S3. Everyone finds their own things to connect with on this show, different people have different experiences--it’s a very hard-hitting show and it affects people in different ways--and my perception of the show will be different to others. I just wanted to get my thoughts down before I read too much other analysis of what other people think. This season I’ve felt myself in a cycle of feeling uncomfortable about most of the content, and then reading what other people think, feeling like I’m wrong to be feeling how I’m feeling, and somehow giving it all another chance, finding the caveats that allow me to keep watching. There’s like... one scene in twenty that I find satisfying, and the clown in me keeps watching. But I’m finding myself feeling more and more disconnected from this show that I used to love. Especially now that I’m heavily invested in another show that I actually find satisfying.

Trigger warnings for all the topics that come with watching this show, including sexual assault. Also lots of angry language from me!

When I watched Seasons 1 and 2, I really valued the show. It was painful to watch, of course. But I thought the story was important and there were elements of hope and love and goodness amongst the bad that were ‘worth’ the pain of watching it for me.

Now I just roll my eyes all. the. damn. time. All I can imagine when I watch is the writers wanking themselves off creating new situations of torture for the characters, turning these human characters into caricatures to play out their images. I don’t really feel like they actually care about the arcs anymore, they just want the same cycle on repeat. I don’t know what I expected for Janine but to see her back at Eye HQ, probably about to become a Handmaid again, and for the scene to somehow feel like it’s focusing on Lydia’s pain? Makes me feel sick.

Also seeing the Waterfords being applauded... making that the legacy of June’s testimony...ugh. I understand maybe why they did it, they’re shining a light on all the misguided right-wing bs that exists in society today. How there are people in the world who find ways and reasons to support these kinds of monsters. I just... it was such a climactic moment, right? For June to finally testify against Fred? For him to face his charges? And it ends up being a victorious moment for him and Serena? Fuuuuck that. I hope it’s temporary and karma comes around for them but I’m so almost done with this show that I don’t really care any more.

side rant: How fucking unrealistic was it that they even let Fred speak to June in the courtroom. And let him go on. Give me a fucking break. And also that they just let her walk away...?

I feel weird criticising anything June does because who am I to judge how she deals with pain for what she’s been through, right? But again I just feel like... it’s a fictional story. It should have a purpose, right? I don’t understand what the writer’s intentions are. Are we meant to be disturbed by her actions (with Emily? with Luke?) I think so? I don’t understand what the end goal is with how they are writing her? Am I just a perfectionist that wants happy endings for everyone and people to heal in unrealistic ways? Maybe. I didn’t expect it all to be plain sailing once she got to Canada... of course not, but I don’t like how she’s dictating how other people deal with their own trauma, like she’s some kind of therapist. I want people sitting in a room and crying and going through shit together and connecting. I don’t want endless shots of people staring into space and talking about ways they’d like to kill people. I totally get that they are all dealing with trauma, that they are not perfect people, but I just don’t like how they are painting what June does to be the right thing and not just the actions of someone who is hugely traumatised and needing help herself (and seemingly not receiving it currently)? Again, I repeat: it’s not what June is doing that I have an issue with, but the way it’s framed in the show as some kind of victory, or the “right thing”. I don’t get what they’re trying to do.

The fucking PINNACLE of this for me was the ending of S4E1 where they have June hand Mrs Keyes a murder weapon in front of her rapist and say “make me proud” and there’s never a question, there’s not even a NOTE, that maybe this isn’t how this situation should be dealt with. That maybe having a minor kill her rapist and then climb in to bed with June covered in his blood and tell her “I love you” (iirc) as the ending note of the episode isn’t healthy. This is the sick feeling that has been in my mouth since the beginning of S4 and I think it began with this scene.

Lydia. What the fuck even is Lydia’s storyline, beyond just wanting to keep Ann Dowd on our screens? She feels unworthy or like she has to prove herself or something. We get it. I don’t give a shit. She’s a monster who didn’t even have a backstory that made me understand on some level why she is the way she is. Why are we focusing on her pain over Janine? WHY.

Moira. To be honest Moira is the best thing about this show for me currently. She’s making me able to cope with it, because she keeps saying the things that I’m thinking in her scenes, and I’m so grateful for it, because it makes me feel like I’m not going crazy to be hating some of the things I’m seeing. Samira Wiley is a delight to have on the show.

Luke. I feel like... he’s a character that, in my opinion, they are getting right. His scenes don’t feel jarring to me (in terms of what the character is doing). That’s not to say that I don’t find some of his behaviour jarring, but I feel like... he’s not a caricature, he’s still a human character that has flaws and redeeming qualities. I think OT is playing the scenes really well. Of course it’s fucked up that he went to the trial without June’s permission. But I feel like Luke would do that. Especially when June isn’t talking to him about any of it, and he feels like he needs to understand it to make sense of the impact it’s having. Of course he’s ludicrous to suggest they can just “move on”. But he’s a human who desperately wants June back, the way he remembers her, the memory he’s been clinging on to her for 7? years and is in denial that that can’t be any more. I don’t have to think the character himself is perfect to still find the scenes interesting and content that I appreciate because it’s scenes that explore the complexities of human relationships. Societal expectations of husbands and wives. Exploring that. The pressure on women to feel like they have to produce children or they are a disappointment. Representation that you can be sexually assaulted by someone who is your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband and not only by dangerous strangers in dark alleyways. That that could happen (to a man, too) and that they could choose to stay with her/him. That they couldn’t feel like they could talk about it (because who is there to talk about it with?)

Lawrence. Again it just feels like he’s on our screen for no purpose other than to include Bradley Whitford in the show. I don’t understand what his root motivation is, or what his goals are in what he is doing (does he want Gilead to continue? does he secretly want to bring it down? I’ve got no idea). I really have no interest in his character other than the fact that Bradley is a good actor and I think it’s interesting to watch him.

Rita. I’ve enjoyed her scenes too. I don’t really have much to say about them because I haven’t had a problem with them, only that I wish she was in it more, perhaps to bring out June’s human side a bit more. Their reunion in hug in the last episode was one of my favourite moments this season, because they can relate to each other on a level the others can’t. They lived in the same house.

Emily. Again, I feel the same way about her as I feel about Rita really. I feel like they just dip into her character on an occasional episode and go “tick. we’ve focused on Emily this episode. let’s move on.”

Nick. As you may or may not know reading this, my involvement in the THT fandom has largely been as a Nick/June shipper (you can go back in my nick x june tag to see this). When I talk about “elements of hope and love and goodness amongst the bad that were ‘worth’ the pain of watching it for me”, I’m really talking about N/J. So I have a lot of feelings about Nick. I could go on a whole rant here (narrator: she ended up going on a whole rant here) about how I wish Nick was acknowledged more, how I feel like his writing (when it actually exists) this season has been weird, how I feel like he’s no longer the character that I loved from Seasons 1 & 2. I think what it boils down to is, that they fucked Nick up for me (personally) when he went from “just a driver” to a Commander. I didn’t find it realistic and I don’t think it’s what they had planned for him, I think they’re just making it up from season to season and this is NEVER more apparent than with Nick. How he’s gone from washing Waterford’s car and an Eye for Pryce to apparently “leading the battle in Chicago”. And I’ve gone through weeks, months, years, of discussions with other Nick fans about this, some of whom feel the new backstory is still valid for him and makes sense, some who don’t. Some who can justify his scenes this season, others who find it jarring like me. Again, it’s a personal thing and I want so badly to love this character but honestly I feel like he’s either just neglected (most of the time) or he’s a character they just use to create storylines for other people with no real care or consistency for his own arc (edited to add: also I think they just use him to create this false sense of tension: “is he good??? is he bad???”, when anyone who paid even an iota of attention to him in the past knows he has THE SOFTEST HEART IN THE WORLD and would never betray June). He hasn’t even mentioned his daughter in two seasons (only in a discussion prompted by June in 3.06). THAT is not the Nick I know from Season 2 who cried as he held his daughter for the first and only time. I WANT THIS CHARACTER BACK. I don’t trust the writers with his story any more and it makes me sad and it makes me less invested. And I’ve felt like this since the beginning of Season 3. That’s not to say I’ve hated all his scenes but... there’s just not enough good content for me to still be invested at this point. Scenes like the bridge scene in Season 4... the display of emotion in that scene was clear but in the context of the rest of the show, I didn’t buy it. If you want me to believe that June still feels strongly enough about him that she’s going to run romantically across a bridge to him into his arms like a scene out of The Notebook or The Bodyguard, then maybe have her speak about him to ANY CHARACTER, or any voice over, once she gets to Canada (and I don’t really include the one line mentioning him to Nichole). Because otherwise, that bridge scene just feels like pandering to me, again it just feels like boxticking (”let’s keep the Nick/June fans happy”) and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I’m still grieving for the Nick/June scenes from Seasons 1 and 2 that felt so much more authentic to me than the bridge kiss, because they had context and they weren’t a sidenote, because Nick actually appeared more than once every 3 episodes.

Am I done with my rant? I think I’m done with my rant.

#the handmaid's tale

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dream-a-little-bigger-x · 4 years

Text

Chapter 14 -- Perfect Harmony | Charlie Gillespie

Summary: Emily Fox is a talented 17-year-old with a passion for all things music. Her dream is to become a successful singer-songwriter one day. But to achieve that dream, she needs to get into one of the most prestigious music schools in her district – it’s all been part of her plan since she was six. Sadly enough, those schools cost a ton of money that her parents don’t want to invest. They don’t even want her to pursue her dream. So, now Emily’s hustling, working at the music store to save up to get into college. That’s until she meets Charlie, an annoying seventeen-year-old boy with the same dream as her. The only difference is, he’s just doing it. He doesn’t need a fancy college to pursue his dream to become famous with his band. He just writes his songs and books small gigs here, there and everywhere. Will meeting Charlie defer her from her dream college, or will he actually help her achieve the dream?

Pairing: Charlie Gillespie x OC (Emily Fox)

Warnings: mentions of death, sexual assault

Important note: the characters of Charlie, Owen, Jeremy and Madison are based on the characters they play on the show and i do not own their names, only OC are mine. The songs aren’t mine either, they’re all from the show except for one.

Chapter fourteen

~|Charlie Gillespie|~

Life is good on the other side of Hollywood. The song really does stick. Life with Emily has definitely changed me for the better. I feel like I’m soaring on clouds every time I’m around her or even think of her. And my songwriting has gotten better too. “Where have you been?” My mother’s bone-chilling angry voice greets me when I enter the kitchen. “You’ve been out nearly every night of the week, not returning until late.” This is not going to be a fun conversation. “I was rehearsing with the boys, ma,” I say as I grab a bottle of water from the fridge, hoping to escape this talking-to quickly. “Again? What about school, Charlie?!” “I did that before I left for rehearsals,” I lie. Why would anyone work for school when there are no tests this week? That’s just working for nothing. This whole school-thing is a waste of time when you think about it. I want to be a Rockstar, get Sunset Curve famous. “You don’t think I would actually believe that, right?!” Her voice rises with the second. “Believe what you want, mom. There’s nothing going on this week anyway.” I probably should not have said that because mom’s expression changes from angry to furious. “That’s no reason not to work for it, Charles Gillespie!” The full name takes me back to Emily calling me Charles and it’s enough for my brain to give my lips permission to curl up. “You think this is funny, do you?” The smile vanishes as soon as it came. “No, mom! But I got this, okay? This is my life and I’ve got control over it, okay? You have to let me live my life, mom!” The screaming match lures my father into the kitchen as well. “What’s going on here?” he asks, clearly annoyed we’d disturbed his favorite show. “Your son over here thinks he has control over his life and doesn’t need to work for school anymore,” mom explains, the volume of her voice goes down, but the anger’s still there. “I mean, he’s seventeen, honey…” At least dad understands me, “He’s going to learn how to live life by making mistakes, you got to let him make them.” “You’re seriously going to take his side right now?!” The volume raises again. “Mom! This has nothing to do with taking sides! If you didn’t breathe on my neck like you always do, you would know how amazing the band is doing and that I have an amazing girlfriend! But all you care about is controlling my life!” I freeze when I realize what I’d just yelled at my mother. “Just let me live!” “You’re seventeen, Charlie! You don’t know what you’re doing with your life!” At least she’s not reacting to my girlfriend-news I’d just blurted out to them. If she ever talks shit about Emily, I swear to God, it won’t be their finest day. “No, I don’t! But that’s normal, okay?! I want to figure out life by myself, with my band, with my girlfriend. So, stay out of it!” I push past her and dad, grab my backpack and leave the house again, cycling to Jeremy’s garage again. I know I’m always welcome to crash there after a fight with my parents. Owen and Jeremy are both still in the garage, cleaning up, chatting. When they see me, their grinning faces fade into worried glances. They already know what’s going on. I drop my backpack on the floor and plop down next to Owen onto the couch. “You okay, man?” Owen asks. “Yeah, just my parents being controlling again, you know?” He offers me a sympathetic smile. “Hey, Jere, do you mind me crashing here tonight?” “You can stay as long as you want,” he replies with a smile. “Thanks, man.” “I’m staying the night too,” Owen tells me, “Parents still aren’t talking to me.” “How long since you came out to them?” I can feel my heart breaking at the thought of Owen just being himself and completely being obliterated by his parents, the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally. “About a year…” Heart shattered. “At least I still got Luka.” I smile as I think about Owen’s sister. In 6th grade, she used to babysit us, even though we thought we were old enough to stay home alone. But Luka actually was the best babysitter ever. And I can’t deny I had a little crush on her at one point. It did blow over when she ditched us one time to go on a date. Besides being the greatest babysitter ever, she’s also been a great sport in Owen’s coming out. She was the first one he told besides us. Not only that, she’s also the biggest Sunset Curve fan. “How is Luka?” I ask, which earns me a sharp glare from Owen. “I’m just curious.” “She’s navigating college, so home isn’t where I want to be at the moment.” “Right, must be tough for her too,” Jeremy chimes in. “Yeah, must be tough having your parents worry about your every move.” I note the sarcasm in his voice and offer him a sympathetic smile, hoping that’ll help somewhat. I also feel slightly attacked by his comment. “Hey, at least we’ve got each other,” I tell him, patting his shoulder. “And us is all we need,” Owen agrees with a small smile shining through. “And Emily!” Jeremy’s mention of Emily simply makes me smile again. Even the mention of her name makes me smile. I guess that does show how whipped I am for this girl. I wish I could tell her though. “She’s amazing, isn’t she?” Both Owen and Jeremy nod their heads, agreeing with me. “You’re so in love with her, bro,” Owen says. “Have you taken her on a date yet?” Jeremy wants to know. “No, not really. Unless you count sorting invoices at the Music Store or secret make-out sessions on her balcony?” They now shake their heads in response. “Why don’t you take her out on a date? Cute little picknick? Movie?” Owen suggests. “Yeah, if you want, you can take her here, we’ll set up like a projector and a screen, decorate with Christmas lights, and buy some food.” I stare at Jeremy for a little longer than I’d like. Did that really come out of his mouth? That’s a decent idea for once. “I don’t know if she likes romantic gestures like that though?” I manage to bring out once I’ve recomposed myself. “What girl wouldn’t like watching a movie on a big screen with her boyfriend, eating food, surrounded by pretty lights?” Owen reasons. That’s a good point. “Will you guys help me set up though?” They nod in response, and we get to work straight away. Jeremy goes inside to grab the projector and a large white sheet we hang up in the garage while Owen and I go on the hunt for the Christmas lights. According to Jeremy, we’d find in the attic. “Have you told Emily about us yet?” Owen asks me when we’re in the attic by ourselves, searching for the box with the decorations. I look up at him for a second before turning to a cardboard box to my right. “Uhm, no… I’m not sure how to tell her I used to date my bandmate?” “Emily’s cool, man. Her favorite uncle was gay and now she lives with his husband and they both know I’m gay, but she never treated me any differently.” “Yeah, but isn’t there a difference between being friends with a gay person and dating a pansexual person?” Owen shrugs whilst fishing a bundle of fairy lights out of a box. “It’s both very queer. I’m sure she’d be cool with it.” “I’ll see what subjects we’ll talk about tomorrow. Might tell her if it comes up.” “Good call, man.” I take a few more bundles of string lights and join Owen downstairs. While Jeremy hangs the white sheet and installs the projector, Owen and I decorate the place with all the Christmas lights we found. Warm whites, cold whites, and colorful ones. It serves for a fairytale looking glow throughout the entire garage. “Why didn’t we do this earlier?” I ask, admiring our work. “It really does give it a more calming atmosphere, doesn’t it?” Jeremy agrees. “Okay, I set up the projector, you just got to plug in a laptop and you’re good to stream your favorite or most romantic movies.” I pat him on the back, offering him a thankful smile. “Thanks, Jere. This was an amazing idea.” “Emily’s going to love it,” says Owen whilst looking up at the lights surrounding us. “Let’s go to sleep now and after school tomorrow, we’ll go shopping for food and set it all up for both of you to enjoy.” Jeremy’s almost giddy with excitement. It really is adorable. Jeremy hands Owen and I a sleeping bag and takes one for himself too. The three of us are used to sleeping on the floor of the garage. Many nights were spent like this ever since Middle School whether it was for sleepovers or when either Owen or I had problems at home. Jeremy often asked us to come over if he’d had a bad day too. Just fun little sleepovers between three best buddies. And they really are the best.

“Won’t be at the Music Store tonight. Find me at Jeremy’s garage to find out why. Wear something comfortable x” I send Emily the text after school just before the boys and I go grocery shopping in Jeremy’s fridge. He did ask his mom to buy a few extra snacks and things, saying it was for rehearsals. I’m glad he didn’t tell her about Emily and me yet. “Okay, we’re all done here!” Jeremy exclaims excitedly, looking at the finished product. My heart is beating faster and faster, scared Emily won’t like it, scared she doesn’t feel the same. “Hey, guys!” Emily’s voice startles me, and all three of us turn around to see her enter the garage. “What’s going o—” she freezes in place, noticing the fairy lights and the big screen. “Wha—” She looks adorable with her eyes bulging out and her mouth agape. I’m frozen for a moment. My feet don’t want to move even when I tell them to. “Charlie said you guys never had a proper date,” Owen springs into action, stepping forward and taking Emily’s hand, “So, we kind of put something together for you guys.” He leads her towards me. I doubt she’s even listening to what Owen’s saying as she’s still gazing around in surprise. “Hope you guys enjoy!” The two dip out of the garage, leaving Emily and me by ourselves. I let her take in the sight for a moment before grabbing her hand and leading her towards the mountain of pillows and blankets. “Charlie…” she breathes out, “This is beautiful.” She sits down while I go to the laptop to pick out a movie, settling on Aladdin since she made a comment about it the other day. I then hand her a glass of orange juice and place the snack platter between us whilst sitting down. “I wanted to do something special for you,” I tell her and clink my glass against hers. “Do you like it?” She nods her head vigorously. “I love it!” She leans in and presses a kiss to my cheek. “Who’s idea was it to do the cinema and the fairy lights?” “Surprisingly, Jeremy’s,” Emily’s eyes widen in surprise. “Yeah, I was shocked too.” “Such a surprising guy, that one.” I nod in agreement. “Let’s watch the movie, shall we?” Emily nods her head and we settle into the cushions. At first, we just sit shoulder to shoulder until she starts fidgeting. “Not comfortable yet?” “I can’t find the right way,” she chuckles, crossing her legs. “Come here,” I open one arm as I lean into the cushions behind me. Her cheeks flush pink as she leans in and rests her head on my shoulder. “Better?” I drop my arm around her shoulders, pressing her closer to me. “Much better,” she mumbles. I’m pretty sure she can hear my heart beating quicker, especially when she puts her arm across my stomach. “Can I confess something?” she asks around halfway into the movie. I look down at her, finding her staring at me, and nod. “I totally watched Aladdin with Uncle Mitch yesterday because it reminded me of you.” I can’t help the smile on my face at how endearing she sounds right now. “I picked it for today because it reminded me of you too.” Emily chuckles slightly and sits up straight to take another sip of her orange juice. “You want to watch something else?” She shakes her head. “Let’s just talk for a while?” I agree, but I can’t help to feel nervous. “I feel like I don’t know that much about you yet, but I somehow feel like I’ve known you for years, you know?” “Yeah, I totally feel the same,” I confess, “Don’t people play that Twenty-Questions game on the first date?” She takes a piece of cheese and pops it into her mouth. “Yeah,” she says after swallowing, “That’s a good idea! I’ll start!” She presses her lips together and looks up at the ceiling, seemingly thinking of a good question to ask. “A simple one; what’s your favorite color?” The color of your eyes. “Uhm… blue, I think? Yours?” “Yellow! It’s a happy color,” she gives me the cutest smile I ever did see. “Your turn!” “Uhm… Do you have siblings?” “Nope, only child over here.” I raise my hand for a high five, saying, “Same, girl!” and she slaps her hand one mine excitedly. “What’s one secret you’re still keeping from your mom?” Her question stumps me. Not that I don’t know the answer, because I do. The nerves just suddenly settle in. She’ll be cool. “That I dated Owen for about a month last year and that I’m pansexual.” Her eyebrows rise in surprise. “Pansexual is the attraction to people regardless of their gender, right? Just so I got it right.” “Yes, exactly,” I gaze at her, awaiting her response of running out of the garage and never coming back, but she stays put. “How was it dating Owen?” She asks instead. “Not great. I mean, Owen was a great guy and we had good moments together, his parents just… never really accepted his sexuality. They still don’t, so being with him was a little rough. We broke up because we realized it didn’t really fit, I guess? With his parents and the band and stuff…” “How did you start dating?” Our game of twenty questions has become a little one sided and about one topic in particular. “He’d just told his parents and they got into a fight, so he came here. Jeremy wasn’t here yet, but I was since I’d run away from my parents too after a fight. He had a panic attack, so to stop him from panicking, I kind of kissed him?” She smiles an endearing smile. “But it’s my turn to ask a question now!” “Right, sorry!” “If you ever got trapped on a deserted island with one friend, who would you choose?” I ask, hoping to be rid of all the questions about me and Owen. Though I love the fact she didn’t up and run. She stuck around and is actually interested to know more about my past relationships and my sexuality. She would only ask if interested. “Madi, probably. I—” she cuts herself off, her eyes widening as if she’d just remembered something. “Oh my God. Oh. My. God!” She scurries off the ground and grabs her backpack quickly. “Madi asked me to hang out tonight after my shift and I told her it was okay since we didn’t plan any band practices! I totally forgot! She’s going to kill me!” She fishes her phone out of her backpack and quickly types in a message while I get up from my spot. “I’m so sorry, Charlie!” She gives me an apologetic look. “It’s okay! We’ll do this over one day. Go to Madi!” A relieved smile cracks through right before she grabs my face and kisses me on the lips. Just a quick, passionate peck, and off she goes, leaving me a little woozy from the electricity that just zipped from her lips to mine and through my entire body. An amazing girl, that one.

Taglist: @parkeret @lukeys-giggle @hannahhistorian92 @gingerxarmy @marinettepotterandplagg @lovesanimals @thequirkybookaholic @calamitykaty Lemme know if you want to be on my taglist for this story/any of my other works!

#julie and the phantoms #julie and the himbos #charlie gillespie #jeremy shada #owen joyner #madison reyes #charlie x oc #oc emily fox #luke patterson #reggie jatp #alex jatp #julie molina

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quiltwork · 3 years

Text

TW: Processing Session of Abandonment

I’ll be talking about the swift detour my aunt and cousins took from being in my early life, to becoming distant and haughty in my preteens onwards. And the transformation that took place after much prayer and coming clean with them how I felt all these years...

My aunt gives the minor details I couldn’t remember, I was 8-9 years old. Around the time of my grandma’s death. My aunt was depressed despite the new apartment and job.

I was spending the night and I couldn’t sleep. Too uncomfortable for some reason, cold, a hard bed, whatever it was. I get up and ask for her, and she sends me back to bed, but I still can’t sleep.

She gets more and more agitated with me, telling me to leave her alone and go back to bed, I’m not trying hard enough. Eventually she either goes to sleep on the couch and ignores me, or wakes up and yells at me at this point. I go to bed crying and until I fall asleep.

I wake up to find her gone. Her house is more freezing than a normal house should, as far as I knew. I think my cousins wake up at some point. I get hungry faster than them.

I’m utterly confused and shocked there’s no one around to feed me, so I sing an annoying song about it, hoping to gain attention. 20 minutes later, my cousins wander in and chime, “What are you doing?”. After I explain, they cook me something. One cousin is just a year older than me, while the other is by three.

I start to feel shame that they are able to take care of themselves and I’m not, though I know it’s rude to rummage through cabinets and fridges without permission, I know at least my mom feeds me. So I am silently enraged about this.

Later, after my aunt comes home and her boyfriend is here, something sets me off about my family and I’m arguing back. I feel justified for the previous reason I couldn’t remember and put into words other than childish backtalk like, “You’re not my mom!”. My aunt wouldn’t listen, so she told her boyfriend to take me home.

I’m even more shocked why I’m being dropped off instead of someone asking me why I’m upset. I’m yelled at to get out of the car, and I run inside my home crying. I never spend the night again.

By my preteens, my cousins no longer come over to play. I ask about them, and my mom says they’re outgrowing me to try bad things I wouldn’t be interested in.

One day, I walk down to the apartment myself to hang out with them, and I find my oldest cousin hanging out with his friends, who laugh at him when they find out we’re related. When they ride off on their bikes, he tells me to go home. I try to tell him I’ve missed him and came out here to see him, and doesn’t he love me anymore? “No. Go home.”

“Fine”, I say. I never see my other cousin... until she and my aunt move in when I’m 13.

We’re just roommates who ride the same bus to the same school. We come home, and she leaves and does her own thing, or stays in the laundry room to get high with my aunt. I try to hang around to form bonds again, but no one notices I’m there.

I only gain her respect after all my friends show up at our conjoined birthday party, and none of hers do. She doesn’t join the party, but stays inside. I never knew I was a loser to her, but what am I now...?

I find without trying I can make her and my aunt laugh. So they call me in to make me “do something funny” on the spot, but when my actual attempts fall stale, my aunt shoos me away with, “Okay, we’re done. Go away”, snickering. And I leave, feeling used. This continues for years, even after they move out, they call for a joke, not to know me and wonder how I’m doing.

I try and fail at every family gathering to reconnect, to no avail. Just scornful looks and tones that say “Why are you trying so hard? Go away”. Or looks of distress at not being able to handle talking to me because “my autism makes it so hard to understand”. I am told over and over I am too childish and lack the life experiences that they’ve had and continue to go through, that they could never get back on my level for me.

As my mom regains her lost relationship with my aunt, with my aunt never asking to talk to me, I think about my cousins living and reconnecting with family through their newborns without me, one even moving out of state and I am so shattered that I finally reach out. I begin to get honest for the very first time. All of the hurt, all of the hiding, how I wish things could be different and could they be?

The oldest cousin responded well. He was very supportive. Said I never deserved it and promised he would be there. My other cousin only saw me at first as being inconsiderate of her own suffering she felt she endured living with me and my mom, sleeping on a mattress that she broke in the living room while her mom got the couch. Witnessing my sister’s verbal/emotional abusive tendencies and domestic violence, being on the receiving end once herself.

How she was focused on surviving and growing up and she had no time for me and my childish ways, gaslighting my perspective and mocking me for keeping my grudge this long. I say I’m trying my best to be honest now, and I still love her, and she loves me too... but she doesn’t respond for months.

I continue praying that God would restore my family somehow, to some degree, or that I could move on and be okay. I forgive her later and decide to be the bigger person and be kind to her in encouraging words, asking for them back as well, and she agrees.

The amazing thing, after all those months of prayer, I go on vacation with everyone for the first time, and everyone acknowledged me throughout the week. How precious I was to them. With a thoughtful card, gifts and a cake with more cake on my birthday, I am overwhelmed at the possibility that this is really happening. I am overjoyed.

My aunt had agreed with me on the phone whenever I took it from mom that I felt used by them, saying I shouldn’t have to feel that way. After these sessions, I finally told her about the traumas, why I was so paranoid of starving on vacation, of not being safe. She reveals she didn’t mean to hurt me, she could see how I felt that way and did what I did in hiding my true feelings from everyone. We truly make up and hope to start over.

Like a lot of my other traumas, I wore masks for survival/love, especially with the school and emotional neglect, and time has erased others’ memories of my events. I can only say that she was too busy with adult stresses and her own unresolved childhood traumas, that she didn’t have the adult mentality I needed when I was growing up around her. Much like her children didn’t grow empathy until after having children of their own. Even though they all loved me somewhat.

I can rest finally with God taking care of my family and breaking the cycle on so many threads. I must continue to pray for others, though.

#abandonment #neglect #cen #childhood emotional neglect #emotional neglect #emotional abuse #emdr #emdr therapy #cptsd recovery #cptsd #complex ptsd #complex trauma recovery

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funkymbtifiction · 4 years

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How An INFP Can Mistype As An ISFJ

SUBMITTED BY thelittlepurrrrmaidxx

Firstly I want to thank the mods of this blog, especially Charity, for providing very informative insights on MBTI functions and preferences and using good examples of characters to illustrate their analysis. This blog has really helped me figure out my own typing and I wanted to share my own experience in being confused between the two introverted feeling Si/Ne types (there are a lot of surface similarities!) if this is ok with the mods?

Ne is the auxiliary function of an INxP and inferior function of an ISxJ. And as it turns out, the heart of my personal typing confusions. I have gone between INFP and ISFJ, confused because I felt like I was equally strong in Fi and Si, while Ne was shaky on and off, something I could reach out and understand yet missing in my life. So I thought it was inferior. Meaning ISFJ fit best.

Yet...after looking through the fog of this current world in a state of emergency...I can see that I have been in a Te grip. Sharply critical of others and myself. Wanting order and expertise, efficient safe sane guides and role models during these turbulent times. Not finding them. Being frustrated and overwhelmed in response. Dwelling on how everyone else is making problems worse. On how I can’t fix anything by just hoping and praying.

I can see with lucid sense also that I’ve been skipping Ne entirely, trapped in a Fi-Si loop. Ruminating on my inner guilt, remembering impressions that confirm my feeling of self shame and why the world is a dark scary cavern. Brooding and recalling. Trapped in my own mind and sadness yet unable to see a way out.

It’s taken me all this time to truly acknowledge the extent of my personal wounds. I’ve been “looping” and “gripping”. It’s now time to heal. To break the cycle and generously give myself permission to be me.

I’m an INFP, and I’m learning to give myself kindness, credit and love.

ENFP Mod: I’m glad you were able to find out your type -- and yes, under stressful times such as we are living in, our types may become more apparent. IFP types in general don’t just ‘develop’ their Ne/Se, but have to learn to use it, mature it, and grow it. The temptation for INFPs in particular is Fi/Si loop -- to stick with what is familiar and comfortable and not step outside their comfort zone, so they can often mistype as ISJs when in reality it’s a deliberate decision to repress / under-develop Ne (out of resistance that their thoughts, ideas, beliefs, experiences might change) whereas an ISJ has a natural desire to pursue Ne in some form, often through entertainment or creativity. You can find more info here, and then consider how to bring Ne into “use” (I recommend reading the ENP/ESP if you are an IP type, to see how this function operates without constraints, then think about how you could ‘move toward’ using your own Se/Ne to its full potential). Good luck! :)

#submission #writing #mbti personality types #infp thoughts

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gplewis · 4 years

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🎨

here’s the mess I created on my easel of raw thoughts today, i post it so to relieve myself of the burden of consciousness; i am also relearning what it is to Be a Person and Post Online; I am tired of thinking and closing the gaps between thoughts and feelings, memories and concepts, and maybe it is crucial that I wring my instruments out completely every day for years ~ why? to be great? to be free? undeniable? i have stopped making sense, and the burden of all this content i’ve made becomes greater; the mess to reflect on and scroll past grows larger and more gruesome, yet something urges me on to keep using every word i know and turn it into material, i have given up every other life, every other goal, i have insisted on my silence and freedom and now i must sing the song that makes it worth it, oh god, would i tell you to click elsewhere?

https://linktr.ee/gplewis

all my other stuff is there; i don’t know how to plate myself yet, i’m insane, but i’m shipping this stuff to you for free, here, world, take it all and eat it, digest me, spit me back out as fowl feathers and rusty bone — oh, an impossible image! yes, makes sense; oh, words running into each other, colliding in patterns that aren’t mathematical; oh, more brain cycles that don’t fit, more dementia, more risks of alienation, more reason to go from imagined to real

stop making sense was the musicians’ advice i heeded

swimming in Pinterest pins before the world ends, drawing for my inner sensor directions to the promised land: surely these two co-imagine my final resting place when nestled together in this digital box birthed today, live, right here, mooing calf ~ oh no, the voice is off its hinges

oh no now it doesn’t make sense who will know how to delete this?

how to live uncontainable?

if someone dares brand my leakage;

poems from today that could use some line breaks

poetry flow 9/24/20; dare I brand? SOME MAN WITH POWER AND STATURE: COME RESCUE ME! but no, all there is is the iron hand of Sylvia Plath with a feminine mystique injected in like air flowing through veins that open up like poppies on an undisturbed hillside that looks at no calendar, measures itself according to no past

it is me who is separated from the people i love perception is the distance; not acting is the only holdup; my own choked throat locked up with not-speaking; doesn’t current want to flow? who is the wanter? need i know? knowledge is the chokepoint of course, that impossible possession

who could sort this poetry? everyone is online remembering or filming a video trying to get close to an essence

tracking the meaning, doing the acts I’ve become an expert seafarer of the void in which nothing counts and nothing lasts nothing is real except chemistry and fear and love and love and LOVE the real children we love; love’s insistence on reality an invention the camera freezes for us: we look and we believe

as the spiritual athlete’s quick but abstract ability to let go I can take a clipping from anything and continue it, continue any other human’s thought as if it were mine, intuit their situation (having consumed too many slices, glimpsed too many cracks of light emanating from broken hearts, hungry lives, fervors for success, aspiration machines seated at laptops bleating their desire, sheep hoping for rescue, to be clicked and paid enough, a slippery mountain of meaningless consequence — the powerful play goes on without us; we cling to life and our standing but it is nothing, it is water flowing down a cliff, and even being one of greats is no salvation; knowing is no escape from living. Chop wood, carry water, survive your family, interpret your connections to others, keep the act going,

if only i could share what i see and the glory of seeing, and have you understand how i’ve arrived at it; i’ve made myself a plane hard to land, impossible to land; i drive down and there’s no surface, only void — above us, only sky; no hard surface to etch into that wouldn’t suffer and lose the competition for sight against the other surfaces and screwed-up eyeballs; can a poet love anything but his silence?

seeking what’s beyond the human compass for years now a decade plus proof is there, wanna see? the picasso quotes from 2010, proof of my longing for justice and peace with the cosmos digital money permission safety won’t be hard or given, it can’t but poetry can fall from my hunger and it won’t be good enough i could die writing and refresh the pile of all below making poets great again pushing the cement block forward making it maybe possible once more to be the kind of person who observes, thinks, notices, knows how to look speaks sings paints dances do we want it? who will finance it? how could it be? how could it not be? we’re writing a cautionary tale collectively

noticing a squirrel climbing the steps with limbs like mine we both share using our bodies to rescue us to pull us up naked on the planet

doing unpaid symphonies giving music away for free for free for free for free maybe doing it is the way to make it real, make it the norm, yes don’t you wish to be rescued by normalcy?

these could be poems if someone broke down the door and defined you, brought you out or maybe they only make sense if you’re dead

what happens when you’re out of gas? thought thought endless rabbit void wandering in again nothing there, no food water shelter nothing to hold you yet you go through the door to eternity to nothingness obliteration and can’t resist? why? life is here, a woman her arms surely you can’t just sketch your way to staying away from life, resisting buying a house, housing yourself, fulfilling the proper I guess mine is a liquid war with propriety

keep going in the dark might be the only advice keep doing the mystical keep making what has to be made keep making what there is to make from your awareness, your inner voice it would be strange at first, no? this conversation with no one featuring a new person if only the whole mess could be uploaded and understood tweeting is a writing aid, writing is a tweeting aid it’s all practice, performance, conversation, metrics, measurement, discussion: but who pays the rent? is there a man working a boring job somewhere? why is that the solution? but of course the man (me) asking why the world isn’t different is alone; aloneness is the virtue; i’m at the center of my decay

waiting to be bought

posting everywhere hoping someone sees it at least i die in league with other people posting too floating heads active now, making stuff, going live putting themselves out there radiating their essence into the universe i am rebuilding my world in a way someone could read and make sense of maybe these lines endlessly tabbed down this flow, this inner music only i heard is readable, will be read, recognized, made real in the world i look at onscreen and call ‘the world’; i wonder if we’re all trying to merge our versions of the world

write as if there is no world the silence of everyone being elsewhere it’s like I woke up to a Twitter and was the last man alive, empty planet

leaking manifold fuselage falling into the sea an explosion waiting to happen and devastate the audience who's already reeling, can't bear another video of bad news bad news bad news worse news no, save them, give them something happy a clown dressed in white & red would that do?

there will be no rescue but perception and inaction, followed by actions you wish someone would understand like you do

we’re just looking for someone whose inner voice is ours; we’re looking for ourself but it’s not enough and so we find a competitor draw them close like an escaped prisoner would be drawn and quartered in Medieval times, limbs pulled apart by horses running outward from a center I join the artists who paint darkly

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lovehaswonangelnumbers · 4 years

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New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/intuitive-astrology-forecast-july-2020/

Intuitive Astrology Forecast July 2020

By Tanaaz

As we start July, we wrap up the third and final Eclipse of the Season and of the Cancer/Capricorn cycle we have been working with since 2018.

As we move through the month, things may feel like they are settling down and the energy may shift to a calmer place. However, behind the scenes things are being planted for the next chapter of 2020, one that kickstarts come September.

As we enter September and navigate through the final months of the year, we have a very fiery and combative Mars Retrograde, and if you can believe it, more Eclipses as we enter November.

2020 was always destined to be a big and transformative year, so rather than fighting against all of this, learning to embrace it, going with the flow, and surrendering to the journey of your life will make things a little less stressful.

July is one of the months of the year, along with August, where we will get an opportunity to recharge.

It brings the incredible Sirius Gateway, that will beam high-frequency energy into our bodies and souls.

It also brings some detox energy, and while a bit of purging will be required, we will feel the benefits and lightness that comes when we let the toxic stuff go.

To help support you through the month, I have created a Heart Drumming Meditation. This meditation is designed to recharge your vitality and awaken and strengthen your life-force energy.

Here’s a wrap up of the July 2020 Astrology:

July 1st: Saturn Re-Enters Capricorn

Saturn left Capricorn for Aquarius back on March 21st, but seeing as Saturn is retrograde and traveling “backward” it has now re-entered Capricorn for one final time.

With Saturn revisiting the last few degrees of Capricorn, from now and until December, we may notice themes from March and earlier in the year resurfacing again.

When Saturn was last traveling through these final degrees of Capricorn, many countries around the world entered lockdown, so we may find ourselves revisiting that in some way.

On a personal level, Saturn moving back into Capricorn may stir some past themes for us, however, it is important to remember that we have been through it all before.

No new information or lessons are likely to surface, if anything, we may just be feeling a greater sense of understanding on the path we have been traveling.

If you want to dive into this deeper, read more on Saturn here.

July 2-7: Sirius Gateway

The Sirius Gateway is a magical time of year where our Spiritual Sun, Sirius aligns with our earthly Sun.

Our Sun that rises and sets each day, brings us life and sustenance and our Spiritual Sun does the same, but on a soul level.

It helps to supercharge our soul and inner vitality. We may feel our life-force energy getting stronger, or we may feel more connected to the Qi or Prana that flows all through our body.

Under the Sirius Gateway, we are more likely to receive intuitive or cosmic downloads, and it becomes easier for us to awaken our Kundalini energy and raise our vibration to higher levels.

The Sirius Gateway is like a power source that we can plug into in order to refuel our batteries.

You can read more on the energy of the Sirius Gateway here.

July 4-5th: Capricorn Full Moon Lunar Eclipse

The final Eclipse of the Season is here – a Capricorn Lunar Eclipse. This is not only the last Eclipse of the Season but it is also the last Eclipse in the Cancer/Capricorn Eclipse cycle that we have been working with since May 2018.

We won’t experience another Capricorn or Cancer Eclipse for another 8 years.

This Eclipse is like a culmination point and its energy feels detoxifying.

There will be some release or purge needed, but it will feel satisfying and we will have this sense that we have finally reached the end on a journey we have been walking.

After this Eclipse, we will have a few months break before resuming the third and final Eclipse Season of the year in November.

If you are wondering, 2020 does hold an unusually large number of Eclipses, we normally experience 4 a year, but this year we have 6 to work with.

More on the Capricorn Lunar Eclipse for you here.

July 11: Chiron Retrograde

The healing asteroid, Chiron will enter the underworld. We already have strong retrograde energy floating through the cosmos, so Chiron just feels like another name to add to the mix!

Chiron Retrograde will be guiding us to find the strength in any healing we have recently gone through.

Sometimes the healing process can make us feel tired and a little depleted, but Chiron Retrograde encourages us to use the healing we have undertaken to find a new strength and to tune into a new power.

Healing takes hard work, but that hard work also brings strength, resilience, and a new power. Chiron Retrograde will be helping you to tune in, connect, and find that for yourself.

July 13: Mars conjunct Chiron

Mars entered Aries at the end of June where it will stay for an incredible six months. Mars is spending such a long time in its ruling sign due to its retrograde that happens in September.

Mars really becomes a star player as we enter the second half of the year, and it slowly begins sowing its seeds in July.

As Mars aligns with the healing asteroid Chiron, there will be a greater emphasis on needing to find our strength and inner warrior.

Following this alignment, over the next few months, Mars will then move on to align with the two Goddesses, Black Moon Lilith and Eris.

This creates a strong, fiery, and combative energy and tensions are likely to turn from a simmer to a rapid boil.

Once Mars goes retrograde on September 9, we are likely to see and experience this with more clarity.

More to come on this as we journey through the months, but just keep in mind that now is a good time to use this energy to claim your power and to not give it away.

July 14: Sun Opposite Jupiter

When the Sun aligns opposite Jupiter it tends to bring abundance and expansion, however, Jupiter happens to be retrograde and is hovering at the exact same degree of the Saturn Pluto Conjunction that happened earlier this year which triggered a lot of what we are now seeing play out through 2020.

As Jupiter moves over this sensitive degree and aligns opposite the Sun, we may see themes from January resurface, or something that was hiding in the shadows from this time may be uncovered.

July 12: Mercury Direct

Mercury will turn direct after being retrograde since June 17th.

We may feel a greater sense of clarity starting to arrive, especially now that we no longer have any personal planets (Mercury, Venus, Mars) in retrograde.

We always feel the personal planets the most when they retrograde, so as Mercury returns to its former speed, the air should feel a little clearer.

July 20: Cancer New Moon

The Cancer New Moon is a sensitive one and brings a mix of energy. On one hand, this New Moon will bring a fresh new lunar cycle, helping to create some distance from the recent Eclipse energies.

Things should feel lighter and we may feel inspired to set some new goals or to think about how we want to wrap up the second half of the year.

Saturn however, is also very active on this New Moon and its presence can sometimes bring harsh energy and restrictions. We may feel a pressure building, or we may feel held back in some way.

The best way to use this energy is to think about how you can take responsibility for your own life rather than waiting for permission from outside sources.

Under this Dark Moon, ask yourself – How can I take what is in my control and turn it into the best possible outcome for myself?

July 22: Leo Season Begins

The Sun enters the sign of the lion and reaches its fullest power in the cosmic skies.

Leo is ruled by the Sun, so this is a time where all of us can step up and learn how to radiate and sparkle in our own unique way.

The midpoint of Leo Season in August also brings the magical 88 Lionsgate Portal, where we get to work with the energy of Sirius, our Spiritual Sun once again.

July 25: Mars Enters Shadow Period

Mars will begin slowing down from this point forward as it prepares to go retrograde later in September.

Whatever is unfolding now until this time holds a clue as to what themes the upcoming retrograde will bring. We may also begin feeling some tense energy bubbling in the undercurrents too.

Mars Retrograde is a time where we can feel a little sluggish and like we have lost our motivation, so if you have important projects you want to get done, it’s best to start making some good headway at this time.

July 28: Venus Leaves its Shadow Period

Venus went direct on June 24-25 but it will now return to its former strength.

In the coming days, it will also leave the sign of Gemini, where it has spent an unusually long period of time and will enter the sign of Cancer.

Venus won’t retrograde again for another 18 months so this represents that we are well and truly on track with a new Venus Cycle.

As we begin this new Venus Cycle, we may feel stronger in our hearts and more open to new waves of Love.

To help support you through the month, I have created a Heart Drumming Meditation which you can find here. This meditation is designed to recharge your vitality and awaken and strengthen your life-force energy.

Happy July!

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circe-poetica · 4 years

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42.The word wants to be written

You might have been taught that creativity is something you have to work hard to access, or that finding your life purpose is so difficult that you must search high and low for it. Yet what you are is within you and wants to come out at every available opportunity! You don’t have to struggle so much. It is more about allowing space for it to manifest and to let the energy flow. The real struggle is not in finding something. It is more about letting go of the idea that you need to search for your path in the first place. You see, the process of activating your life path is a natural one. The effort is in getting out of the way, not in making something happen.

As for being yourself, that is the foundation from which your true life path will reveal itself. Being yourself becomes easier when you give yourself permission to love, honor and accept yourself in all circumstances, especially the ones where you might be more tempted to reject and judge. Give the sacred rebel within the opportunity to decide your values – irrespective of whether they meet with general social acceptance.

This oracle brings you the message that what you are dreaming of or seeking to do, create, live or manifest, is actually very natural for you. That is why you want to do it.

If you experienced controlling and manipulative forces as you were growing up, you would have found it hard to access your natural state at the time. You would have been too busy trying to adapt and get through the trials of childhood.

When you finished navigating childhood and started to let go of who you were taught to be in order to become who you really are, you may have found your life path was not easily accessible. That is simply because your true and natural self was covered by layers of shame from the early conditioning that you had to be other than you are in order to win love or be acceptable.

However, that natural self hasn’t gone anywhere. It is still there within you. Now it is just about chipping away at the walls of shame, perhaps with a defiant, “Who the hell cares, I am here and I am going to love myself anyway.” This allows you to risk bearing the feeling of any shame that arises as you release old emotional wounds and break away from any restraints to unconditional self-love. The sacred rebel within can empower you to love yourself no matter what, simply because you want to. You might decide to declare, “I am still lovable – so put that in your pipe and smoke it!” This will send an energetic message to whomever shamed you in the first place, whether they meant to or not. Your message could be going to a parent, school teacher, sibling, friend, lover or anyone else that was struggling enough with their own shame wound that they couldn’t help but dump it on you. You can be freed to realize that the shame is just an emotion, not a truth, and you can defy any hold it has ever had on you and your ability to love yourself. This oracle brings you the guidance that you are now powerful enough to break the cycle. It is time to stop the shame and claim yourself in love instead.

What you want to write, sing, dance or become, is you. It is natural. Drop your defenses, get into the grit and confront the power that any old shaming has had over you. It’s finished now. It is time for you to be naked with yourself, acknowledge how gorgeous you are and get on with your work. Life is urging you to do so, because the work wants to happen. What you want to create, wants to be created. The word wants to be written. You just need to let go of any remnants of the past that have been in your way. Step firmly over them and on to your path.

HEALING PROCESS

Say aloud, “I now choose to forgive and release any person, situation or circumstance that has ever been a source of shame or shaming for me, whether conscious or unconscious. I now release this from my body, mind and heart, through unconditional love. I choose to claim myself instead. I love, accept and claim all of me under the loving protection and wisdom of life. I choose to live as myself. Now. I call on the unconditionally loving assistance that life wishes to send me for this journey now. I honor my creative power and my innate worth. So be it.”

Be kind to yourself. Say this every day for the next few days or however long it takes for you to believe it. You are worth the effor

#42 #sacred rebels oracle #the word wants to be written #7 december 19

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independentartistbuzz · 5 years

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7 from the women: Maya de Vitry

7 From The Women is a segment here on Independent Artist Buzz where we ask some of the industries finest seven questions. During this time of accusations and the lack thereof, we think it’s important to give women a voice. We chose to ask seven questions to honor the seven Wiccan clans.

Originally from Lancaster, PA, Singer/songwriter Maya de Vitry started out as the leader of the bad Stray Birds. The band was best known for it’s songwriting. She started her solo career with ‘Adaptations’ earlier this year.

What have you been working to promote lately?

I have been preparing a Kickstarter for my next record, which is called How To Break A Fall. The Kickstarter campaign will run Oct 29-Nov 26, and I am hoping to release this new music in early 2020! I actually recorded the album last January, but I just wasn’t ready to release them until now. The last year has been a big transition for me, as I left a full-time band that I was in for seven years - so for most of my twenties. I want to make the best art I can make, but I also want to take care of myself. For me, that meant working another job and staying off the road this past year to get healthy in my mind and my body again, and finding a routine and a new sense of balance - and taking the time to actually choose music all over again, because my relationship with music and touring and myself was pretty broken there for a bit. On How To Break A Fall I'm exploring a loss of balance, and reimagining some of the stories that become embedded in us in such invisible and powerful ways. As some of us learn how to take up less space, some of us learn how to conceal our tears. As some of us learn how to yield our power, some of us learn how to wield it. And sometimes we get caught in cycles and spirals, inside of these patterns and expectations. You can donate here.

Please tell us about your favorite song written, recorded or produced by another woman and why it’s meaningful to you.

There are so many, but the one that jumps to the front right now is Joni Mitchell’s song Cactus Tree. It’s the last track on her first album, and it’s just her playing solo guitar and singing, and this particular song and her delivery of it have just always really resonated with me. There are lines in it I love, like “they have laughed inside her laughter, now she rallies her defenses, for she fears that one will ask her, for eternity, and she’s so busy being free”. I tried to sit down and learn the song one day, but between her guitar tuning and the rhythm of her picking patterns - and the interplay between her guitar rhythms and her vocal phrasing - I realized that I can’t just sit down and casually learn a Joni song in an afternoon!

What does it mean to you to be a woman making music today and do you feel a responsibility to other women to create messages and themes in your music?

For me, making music means that I get to be a part of making ceremony for people - music offers us a transcendent experience, where we can feel things collectively and feel surrounded and connected to each other in amazing ways. It really is magic. To be a woman making music, I do feel that I have a responsibility to hold space for other women, and to be in this business with the most collaborative, supportive, and nourishing approach possible, rather than a competitive approach. I absolutely feel a responsibility to be competitive with myself, to work hard and be my best, but I believe there is room for all of us to be doing our truest and best thing, because we are all our own individuals. I especially want to support other women in believing in themselves, rather than looking for external validation. I also recently went on the road with someone as a tour nanny for the first time, where I took care of a breastfeeding fiddle player’s 4 month old son while she played shows! That was really inspiring to be a part of helping her continue to travel and make music, even as a new mother. I think it’s important to show up for each other in those ways too.

What is the most personal thing you have shared in your music or in your artist brand as it relates to being female?

With my first solo record, I released a music video for the song “My Body Is A Letter”, which was made by two Brooklyn-based artists, Andrew Benincasa and Amandine Kaye. Andrew and I conceptualized the video to represent the collective, inherited trauma of the female body. Amandine also works with sexual assault survivors, so she felt very personally connected to her role in the video. There is so much depth and resilience in the experience of being female, and that is one of the things I hope to share in my music.

Who was the first female artist you saw that made you want to create music?

I was probably about 14 at the time, and a violinist named Lena Neudauer was a guest soloist with the Lancaster Symphony in Lancaster, PA where I grew up. I remember that I was there with my grandmother, too. Lena performed a piece that I was familiar with, and I felt like I was living inside of it as she played, and I felt completely transported. She seemed so free and so fearless to me. I was pretty serious about classical violin when I was growing up, and I remember that that night was a pivotal moment for me in really digging in and being less afraid to feel the music with my whole being. It also felt like fresh permission to be obsessed with music in general. I don’t play classical violin much anymore, but that night was really important to my overall path as a musician.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? If so why and if not why?

Yes I do, and for me, being a feminist means working towards more full expression of humanity for every person. It’s very personal and internal work for me, too - I’m constantly unlearning and rewiring things I have been taught, limitations I have believed, and patterns of communication that have become so embedded that they feel “natural”. Our dominant culture is set up to reproduce inequality, so for me, being a feminist means that I have a responsibility to be awake and listening and questioning and learning and growing all the time, rather than being a passive consumer of the dominant culture. It means valuing a whole human being as a whole human being.

What was the most challenging thing you have had to face as a female artist?

I think the most challenging thing I’ve had to face is reclaiming sovereignty of my mind, my spirit, my body, and my time. I have experienced creative relationships that were jealous and possessive, where nurturing my own instincts and desires or needs was perceived as a threat, and I learned to disappear these instincts and needs. It’s been a journey to learn to trust myself again.

Connect via Maya de Vitry online via:

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https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCoowsQ9NsQTUwFYoyQpNjqw

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noctomania · 5 years

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A Lesson To Learn From James Charles

He is by no means a unique situation regardless of sexuality. And by no means is this intended as an excuse for his actions because there is no excuse, it’s a matter, in my perspective, of prioritization. Mind you I have not consumed really any of his content only snippets of him here and there, but what I have seen is very reflective of what I have seen in others. It’s also confusing because he is selfish and self-absorbed, but that does not mean he values himself. There is a distinct difference between the two and i think it’s common for people to conflate the two. Valuing one’s self requires a certain level of empathy which he lacks. When you lack that empathy you will engage in selfish behavior and conceded perspective, and prioritize desires over other’s, and your own, basic needs.

Here is the thing. When you put relationships or sex on a pedestal, you are prioritizing it. When you prioritize something, you deem it more important than anything else. This, in turn, can effect your ability to, or your focus on, empathy. Empathy is essential to being able to respect others, their boundaries, and allow yourself to grow.

From what i have seen of James is that he seemed to hone in a lot on the “forever alone” trope. This train of thought has become signature for people who tend to make it seem like they are some how a victim or been unjustly registered as “undeserving” of a relationship. Mind you - I used to be quite like this myself. I have also known people myself who were the same way, and they actually too made me uncomfortable by not respecting my own boundaries. What happens though, is that when you take on this type of mindset- the one that frames yourself as unjustly damned to being single and that you’re suffering simply because nobody is dating you - is you are only hurting yourself and in a number of ways. First being that you are setting yourself up for disaster. Second being that you are telling everyone else that you can’t stand to be with yourself - so why should anyone else want to? And lastly as i said before you are neglecting your empathy which can in turn cause you to do really uncalled for and harmful things to others, because in your mind you have a right when you actually do not.

To expand on the first note, when you entertain the “forever alone” shit, you are in fact setting yourself up for the worst kind of reaction when the inevitable happens. No relationship - whether purely sex-based and/or romantic- is a guarantee success. You simply cannot go into it thinking that way. There is always potential that things will not work out and it is not really anyone’s fault, people just don’t always jive together that way. And if you take into account the split attraction model it can clarify why you thought there was potential when there wasn’t. It could be yall would just make really great friends, just not lovers. And that is more than okay and should not be thought of as “less than” a romantic and/or sexual relationship.

When someone breaks it off with you in that sense, and you allow yourself to fall into the “I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN BC NOBODY LOVES ME”, you are willingly throwing away all the good that is still there simply because you didn’t get what you want - and that would turn anyone off any kinda relationship with you platonic or otherwise. I know this because I’ve been there, before I understood all this truly. I understand the heartache that can come from things not working out how you wanted them to, but you could either choose to destroy potential friendship, or you could choose to moderate your heartache and understand that it isn’t necessarily a reflection of you so much as just a basic part of the process. If you take the first choice, it is a rash one and setting yourself up for even more disaster and advertising to those around you that you can’t handle the basic processes of seeking a relationship and dealing with disappointment. Also that you can’t seem to stand being alone.

Your entire life, you are the one who spends the most time with yourself. When you obsess over finding someone to be with, you are procrastinating being alone with yourself. You run the risk of smothering someone, you make it seem necessary to have someone desire you at all times and gauge your self-worth on that. Sure having a partner can be a good time, but when you prioritize it over everything else you are simultaneously not only degrading the value of your own self-love but also the love of your friends and family. Mind you, there is a lot of societal stigma to being single - i know this first hand. You are absolutely treated differently. Even by your friends sometimes. I’ve known several people who couldn’t stand to be alone and they were ritually the opposite of sunshine friends. So sunshine friends are around when things are great and when you’ve down they disappear. The opposite i’m referring to when a friend is only around when they are broken up with or single and use you as a temporary placeholder for the time they would be spending with a partner. Then when they find someone knew to date suddenly they are unavailable as a friend. That is not a good friend, and that is not how you show you value someone’s time. It also becomes clear that you aren’t really thinking of others as much as you are thinking about yourself.

Empathy is an essential foundational component to building any relationship whether platonic or otherwise. If it’s just all about you, you will inevitably neglect their needs, and prioritize not only your needs but your desires over their basic needs. We can see this pretty clearly in how James treated the straight boys he pressured. Instead of respecting their boundaries and who they are, he prioritized his desire for them to not only be available to him but also to desire him. In turn he rejected their identity that they respectfully presented to him after clear reflection, and turned around and made himself out to be a victim simply because they didn’t give him what he wanted. If he had empathy he would swallow his ego, accept them, and move on with himself and heal himself. Nobody owes you a relationship - full stop. That is something you need to earn, and even if you have earned it that doesn’t mean it would work out. Like I said before, some people just don’t jive. Just because you’re there doesn’t guarantee they will be, and that is part of empathy. Your experience and feelings are not universal. Reflect on it. Think how you would feel if someone told you straight up that you are lying about who you are. Gas-lighting you. After you spent time experimenting, reflecting, researching, etc. Demeaning what you feel and think and know about yourself. Manipulating you to make you believe that valuing yourself is an offense to them. It’s not okay and nobody should ever be made to feel that way.

Nobody will know you better than yourself. Even if you can’t stand to be alone with yourself you will still know yourself better than anyone else. Like i said before, you spend the most time with yourself than anyone else. Nobody is in your head more than you. In my perspective it is worth accepting that inevitable fact and leaning into it so that you get to know yourself better, come to value yourself and being with yourself more, and don’t chalk your self-worth up to how many people/whether someone will desire you. James had it all: fame, family, friends, wealth, and also likely had many followers who did desire him. He didn’t value it though and when he didn’t get one thing or one person that he wanted he acted in uncalled for ways. In the past I have also acted out unjustly because I got hurt. Mind you I don’t have what James does, but I still felt entitled enough to offend. Now that I’ve grown and made myself stop prioritizing being in a relationship, I’ve come to recognize how harmful those actions were. Take rejection with grace and do not feed into the desire to hurt others just because you feel hurt. Break that cycle. Being rejected or broken up with is not ever a unique experience as hard as that may be to hear. It doesn’t entitled you to infringe on other’s basic rights. It entitled you to getting drunk, eating a pint of ice cream, and/or dancing to your favorite nostalgic music in your underwear at 3am. When you hurt the only way to properly combat that is self care, not harm to others.

Anyway i’m still in recovery from my cold so i think im gonna wrap it there. Just always take the opportunity to learn from other’s mistakes so that you do not replicate them or continue a vicious cycle. Give yourself permission to grow up. What is right is not always going to be easy, but in the long run will be best for all involved. Do your part to lessen the damage to yourself and others.

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bolbianddolanhouse · 5 years

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BNHA self insert AU

Nani the heck is this? Read here!

Chapter 12: Ni es Secreto, Soy un Pinche Chingona!

It’s a few days before Culture Week and I have everything ready for the whole week. Only thing left is to make some treats to sell at the festival, I got permission to use the school kitchen to make conchas and agua fresca for that and got them done the night before day 1. Mimi and Jin get their outfits done and we practiced a group thing to talk about culture shock, it was going to be lit and I was showing excitement.

Day 1: Family and Home culture

I was the last one to leave the dorms to avoid spoiling my surprises. I was in traditional wear of long skirt, hand embroidered shirt and serape. Along with the braids in ribbons pinned up into loops and simple makeup, I looked like a real muchacha. I roll up with the squad in their traditional robes and we didn’t care about the stares we got as we walked the halls. We sat in homeroom just to hear the announcements and we parted to our mini tour of the classes to talk about our culture. I gave my family and home presentation along with a sampling of the conchas I made to boost my sales at the end of the week. I walk to hero class when I usually have that class and run into the Big Three.

“Palma-san! You look so decorated! I always forget that you’re not Japanese.” said Nejire.

“You really do look like a woman from your culture” Amajiki said shakily “so colorful”

“Yes so effortlessly beautiful” said Miro as he grabbed my hand to kiss it. I pull my hand away before his lips met them.

“It’s impolite to kiss an un-courted woman in public in my culture” I said to integrate the theme of culture “Oh but here! have a sample of the treats I’m selling at the festival. I’m raising money to fund scholarships for international students going into hero work and I’d appreciate it if you’d tell your classmates to come and buy from me.”

They take a bite of the concha and their eyes widen “This is delicious! Palma-san you made this?!” exclaimed Amajiki.

“Yes I did! glad you liked it!” I said as I gave a polite smile “well I have to go and give another presentation, hope to see you at my stand later in the week!”

I briskly walk to the class just so I don’t run into anyone else I didn’t want to talk to. Meanwhile in the hero class...

“I wonder if Palma-san made it to school?” said Uraraka concerned “I didn’t see her leave the dorm.”

“I heard she’s here but she’s in full traditional wear” said Momo “I can’t wait to see her! from what Kendo said, she looks like a natural beauty!”

“She’s been so busy lately, maybe she was late?” said Jiro “I saw her car in the parking lot.”

“Class to your seats” said Aizawa “its a bit early but we’re having Midnight and All Might sit in today’s first half of class this week for a special presentation.”

“What kind of presentation sensei?” ask Midoriya “does it have to do with laws?”

Midnight and All Might walk in quietly and shuffled to the back of the room to take a seat as Aizawa spoke “No, not that type of presentation. It’s a peer presentation by somebody you know very little about.”

The class starts to murmur on who it could be, then I slide open the door. Everyone stops to look at me in my traditional wear, the room so silent that you can hear the click of my ankle boot heel on the tile as I walked.

“Buen dia a todos! Thats hello everyone one in Spanish!” I said putting my wicker hand basket on the front table.

“What simplistic beauty you exude Palma-san! OH! what should we call you since your the presenter?” said Aoyama.

“Hmmm, you can call me senorita Palma or Itati, both are honorifics in my culture.”

“How is your full first name an honorific?” asked Kirishima

“My first name is from a dialect spoken by the natives in Mexico and part of South America, it means flower that grows in the water. We take great pride in our given names that we address each other by full first name basis to show respect to the name and the person.”

“Such beauty and loveliness within the name too!” said All Might “you really grew into your name.”

I blushed and diverted my gaze to my basket “oh please have mercy, it’s superstitious to make an un-courted woman flushed with such compliments! It’s said that if a man makes the single woman flustered with compliments, it will delay further the day they’ll meet their future spouse!”

Midnight teased All Might “Seems like pushed that day too far ey Yagi?”

“Anyways, any body in the mood for a sweet treat?!” I said opening my basket and using my quirk to pass out the conchas and explaining my stand and what I’m fundraising for.

“So soft and yummy! You made this?! Such a talented young lady! Your mother must be proud to have raised such a young woman! I will definitely buy from you!” are all the compliments I got for my conchas. As they were distracted, I loaded up my slide show presentation of home videos and pictures of my culture and family.

“Ok lets get started! As you know, I’m American born but my roots are from Mexico. Today I will be sharing a glimpse into my culture and family and why I am the way I am. Here’s my family, and here’s my family before coming to America. It was just my parents and that little girl right there, that’s my older sister! In my culture, you’ll often see families of 3 or more children. If you want to see it in terms of quirk types, double quirks is a very common thing. The 2 most common quirks are elemental and telekinesis, science believes it has to do with the environment in Mexico but I think it has to do with our lively hoods for survival. Here you see a bunch of men and women fishing, cooking and crafting goods with their quirks...these people are working. Just like how heroes here use their quirks to work, they do too but for more practical reasons. There’s not a huge hero culture in Mexico, we do however have a HUGE tourist culture so all of our energy and business is geared toward the tourists and visiting heroes that come and enjoy our weather and beaches. Here’s a picture of my family’s businesses, on my mom’s side, my grandpa owns a seafood shack and uses his water and low range telekinesis to fish. And one of her uncles owns a denim pants brand and designs them using his quirk that manipulates thread, kind of like Best Jeanist. On my dad’s side, grandpa was a farmer and an english teacher, he had the earth and plant growth quirk to manage a farm and his 8 children. Grandma was a nurse and used her super speed quirk to assist doctors and upkeep the household. My family now, consists of 3 children and my hard working parents. We have a very strong sense of family and dynamic to support each other. My dad would set up heavy things, older sister would help him, little brother would clean the unreachable areas and I would help my mother with the cooking and other housework. I learned how to cook for a large family with all that time I spend in the kitchen helping my mom. I can cook anything and make it delicious for a group of 15 or more with my experience. You might ask, well what about your fighting techniques? Heres a short home video of my siblings and I fighting over who’s turn it was to get on the roof to clean it... if you paid attention, my sister lands some heavy punches on me and my brother but they’re with form and I grabbed her at just the right time to suplex her right on top of my brother before they ganged up and threw me over the garage. They have the power quirks, so I have to get crafty with the fighting moves for the copy or, if my mom shows up to use the erasure, keep fighting without quirks to assure my dominance. In Mexico, these wrestle like moves are called Lucha Libre and it’s become more of a spectator sport than an actual fight technique nowadays. As you see in this picture, these luchadores are masked and in a hero-like uniform, this is all part of the performance/fight. It’s an amazing thing to watch! Heres a short clip of one of my favorite matches as a child...See that freaking finisher?! That’s called the flying golden eagle and I have yet to use it on somebody so who knows! Maybe in our next training session I’ll use it on one of yall. Even though I’m a middle child and in my culture, middle children don’t get married or finish school to take care of their aging parents until they die. I’m breaking that cycle by being here to fully finish school and go to higher education because I crave knowledge. To finish this presentation with something cool, heres a home video of me and my siblings cracking open coconuts with our quirks!”

Everyone claps at the end and I get a bunch of hands up “oh jeez uh I have time for 3 questions, lets go with Midnight.”

“Yes I have a question about Lucha Libre, who taught you how to do the techniques?”

“Oh I taught myself and I practice them on my siblings when we’d get into fights on a near daily basis. Over time I just made it my default to pick up on new moves every other day.” I get murmurs and I pick my next person “next uhhh, Mina”

“What was that meal you were cooking in the picture with your mom? Those were some big pots of food.”

“Oh that picture was when we were cooking christmas dinner! In the pot I was stirring was beans, next to it was fideos or tomato pasta, on the stove is ponche or cinnamon tea with seasonal fruit and the one next to my mom is birria de chivo or goat cooked in red chili paste.”

“YOU EAT GOAT?!” said the class in shock.

“Yes its good meat! always reminds me of christmas mmhm... ok uhhh last question, Todoroki.”

“I don’t fully believe you were the weak one in your family, what are your family’s quirks?”

“Great question! My mom has Full range Telekinesis and Erasure, my dad has metal manipulation, my sister has Rampage and Fire and my little brother has Elasticity and Flight. My mom is the most powerful that she can stop our fighting with just one look! My dad can make anything out of metal, he can do this thing were he takes a small piece of scrap metal, put it in his mouth and chew it around, spit it out and its a whole new thing like a screw or hook. My sister has two power quirks but they’re hard to control because of Rampage, if you didn’t know, thats in the emotionally triggered category and hers is triggered by anger. When you get her angry, she gains super strength and speed plus with her fire, boy you better pray you don’t get on her bad side. My little brother can stretch his body and fly with speed, excellent for air attacks. Though I can levitate, I can’t move at his speed so often if I’m not careful when in the air, he can air strike me down.”

“So what you’re saying is, you aren’t the strong one, you’re the smart one” said Todoroki making sense of it “I understand now.”

“Yup! and that concludes my day 1 presentation. Thank you so much for listening, tomorrow I’ll be doing folklore storytelling so get ready to be enchanted!”

I go to my next 2 presentations then lunch, I met up with Mimi and Jin to wind down a bit. We’re just happy that we’re not wearing pants and nobody is being racist. I go make the rest of my presentations until the end of the day. I drive back to the dorms to prepare and rest for my storytelling portion. I get praise for my commitment from the others and ask if I can make them some of that ponche when it gets colder out. I go to bed much happier than I was a week ago, my favorite parts of me were coming back.

Day 2: Folklore Storytelling

I dress up in a plain orange huipil and a white ankle length skirt with the same makeup look and ankle boots. The braids were simple with ribbon weaved into them and I brought a bunch of small hand instruments and puppets to do my storytelling. Mimi and Jin were doing food presentations and I got a bit booty tickled because theirs are so easy to talk about. I do my rounds and get really into my storytelling. When I get to the hero class, I get a bit more special with the experience.

“Hola clase 1-A! Como estan hoy?” I say in high energy.

“Hola senorita Palma!” said everyone in unison.

“Ok for this presentation, I’m going to need the desks to be pushed back quite a bit and everyone to sit on the floor please.” Everyone quickly does what I requested and gathered around as I finished setting up. “Really quick, Shoji, may I copy your quirk for this one?”

“umm yes sure” he said softly as I put my hand on his cheek. I spout 4 arms and 2 mouths for all the instruments I was going to use. In the other presentations I just used my levitation to do some of the instruments but I couldn’t play the wood flute and talk at the same time.

“Today, I will be sharing some of my favorite folklore from my culture the way a street performer would story tell. Heres the story of the Legend of the two Volcanos, a love story of Princess Iztaccihuatl and Valiant Warrior Popocatepetl.” I hear the soft gasps as I played the music and moved the puppets with my quirk and the shocked expressions when they saw that it was a sad story. “...and today you can see the two volcanos as they stand vigilant as an eternal testament of the love Popocatepetl had for his Princess.” I look at the class and see tears as some of them were moved by the story.

“That warrior is so manly to beg to the Gods to stay by his love” Kirishima spoke up, wiping his tears away.

“Oh my, well I’m glad you were moved by that story! Let me tell you a more light hearted one, how about the patron saint of Mexico Virgin Guadalupe and how Juan Diego’s faith brought hope to the people of Mexico.” As I told the story, I heard the awes and wows from the class as they see the journey Juan Diego went through to bring hope. “...and so on that very hill, you can visit the shrine with the people’s symbol of justice and hope with rose bushes planted everywhere. All thanks to one man’s faith, every year on the day of the apparition, we sing La Guadalupana to show our faith to celebrate our symbol and Juan Diego.” I start singing the shorten version of the song and the class started clapping in rhythm, really getting into it.

“Wow! what beautiful singing” said All Might “as one symbol of justice to another, that was a very touching story.”

“Thank you, thank you for your kind words and claps” I say as I check the time “hmm, it seems like I have time for one more story! What do you want to hear? A ghost story? Another love story? OH I KNOW! How about the tale of the Rabbit and the Jaguar?”

“Yes please! That one!” said the class in unison.

I start to tell the story and I take a quick peek at the audience during the chasing of the rabbit and everyone is intrigued by the puppets and story. It made me really happy that I wasn’t being ignored. “...and legend has it that you can still see the rabbit on the moon, laughing at how he tricked the Jaguar.”

“If I were the Jaguar, I’d eat the rabbit before it tricked me!” growled Bakugo “no way I’d let some cutesy animal get the last laugh.”

“Oh si? Then why do you fall for my tricks mighty Jaguar?” I said snidely as I put the puppets away “I’m the quick witted Rabbit, and you the gullible and cocky Jaguar”

The class went ballistic with that roast, Bakugo got mad that I made a factual point. I say my good byes and set off to do the rest of my presentations. After school, when I got to the dorms, I saved my voice and rested for the next day.

Day 3: Holidays

I woke up extra early to put on day of the dead skeleton makeup and a catrina outfit. I changed up the colors to greens, golds and yellow just to mix things up. I put on a crown of silk sunflowers, posies and lilies on my head to accent my braid loops. I was going to talk about day of the dead and milestone birthdays. Mimi and Jin were doing the same and they were just as decorated as me, you would’ve thought we were aristocrats of our country. As I walked class to class to give my presentations, I played the guitar and sang La Calaca. The sound of my singing echoed throughout the halls that some people peeked out of there classes to see who was singing but I guess I was singing well because nobody asked me to stop. As I made my way to the hero class, the others heard the music softly playing down the hall.

“What beautiful singing! thats definitely Seniorita Palma!” said Hagakure “I wish I understood Spanish to resonate to what she’s singing.”

“I’ve been picking up on some Spanish, I want to make some conversation with her today” said Iida so proudly.

“Are you gonna confess in Spanish?” asked Midoriya.

“nnn-No! I just want to practice is all!”

“Practice for what? to ask her father for her hand in marriage?” said Kaminari “are you going to claim your princess oh valiant warrior! Better say it quick before she turns to into-”

He was cut short as I walked in singing, everyone gasped at the change of colors and skull makeup.

“Seniorita Palma! you look like a spring goddess!” exclaimed Momo.

“Oh gracias! Your compliments on my looks make my heart flutter.” I put my guitar down and start setting up for my presentation. I start of day of the dead and set out the offerings while explaining the history and what everything means. “...for this alter, I’m paying respects to 3 very important people in my life, for my grandfather Joaquin, Frieda Kahlo and La Fiera.”

“Why those people?” asked Sato.

“Glad you asked! Joaquin is my grandpa on my dad’s side, he inspires me to be the very best at what I do and go beyond with education and hard work. Frieda Kahlo is a famous artist that became one to cope with her chronic pain and traumatic events, she inspires me to be expressive as an outlet for my emotions and that even the worst things can be expressed beautifully. La Fiera is a famous and decorated lucha libre westler, I admired his stage presence as a witty and zingy tough guy. I aspire to be as witty and crafty as he is and I pay homage to him every time I fight, I use his spin moves and flying finishers.”

I then moved on to the next few things like Quinceanra, Christmas, birthdays and religious rites of passages. “...and for being good ninos y ninas, I brought some Mexican candy for yall.” I use my quirk to pass out the candy and everyone was perplexed by it.

“Question, this is candy?!” said Iida standing up “this is covered in chili powder!”

“Mine is just chili and lime powder!” said Mineta.

“Thats the norm in mexican candy, spicy and sour covered sweet things. My favorite is the dried mango in chamoy, spicy plum sauce!”

“Its DELICIOUS!” cried out Bakugo with a sandia con chile lollipop “The spice is perfect! I’ve been missing out on this stuff!”

“I thought you might like it!” I said packing my stuff “that wraps up today’s presentation, tomorrow I’ll be performing at the open stage with my squadron and some other students! Sensei will let you know which time slot you guys will see our performance.” I said my good byes and picked up my guitar to sing to my next presentation. When lunch came, I got a text from Iida

[Hola Itati! Puedes comer conmigo hoy?]

I giggled at his attempt [Si puedo, adone?]

[estoy en la patio]

[ok a yi voy]

I walk over from the classroom I was at with my guitar playing Ay Mama Inez as I was walking to the patio. Little did I know, I was being watched from the second floor,

“You’ve been spying on her for a week already Shinso” said his friend Tetsutsu “you should go talk to her!”

“I’m trying to find the opportune time” Shinso said sighing “she seems like a girl of reason, I can’t just go up to her and say that I’ve been spying on her. She’ll get on defense and end me.”

“nah! she’s a nice girl” Tetsutsu said as he took a sip of his drink “when she trained with some of us, we swarmed her with fighting questions and answered all of them with ease and kindness that when we fought, I didn’t expect her to kick all of our asses so brutally!”

“Not surprised, she’s got the guts and beauty” he said as his eyes followed me to the patio to meet up with Iida “seems like I’m not the only one who wants her attention.”

Cut to Iida to the patio and hearing me approach. I do a quick spin as I ended the song.

“Brava! Lovely singing Ita!” he said clapping.

“Gracias Tenya!” I said leaning my guitar against the tree we were under. “oye, estas aprendieno espainol?”

“uhhh translation? I don’t know that much spanish hehehe” he said nervously.

“You just answered what I asked hehehe, I asked if you were trying to learn spanish.”

“OH! yea I am, I wanted to try my conversational with you, if you’re alright with it.”

“sure! lets start” I said without missing a beat “Dime un secreto”

“Did you say tell me a secret?” he asked as I nodded “ummm.....ok! El jugo de naranja es my gasolina, por esto tomo mucho de eso.”

I bust out laughing “con razon! Ay Tenya es muy chistoso! Por esto es me cais bien.”

“how do I ‘fall good’ on you?”

“Oh its a spanish saying, to ‘cai bien’ means to get along or to be eased by. With us, I get along with you.”

Iida gets a bit blushed “Tu me cais bien tambien Itati, looks like I have alot to learn huh?”

“Why did you pick up on spanish anyways?” I said taking out my tupperware of fruit salad “You tryna get married?”

“WHAT?! No! wait- is that a thing?”

“Yea, if you learn the home language of someone you fancy” I said chewing on a piece of melon “it’s with the intention of asking their parents for their hand in marriage. Thats what the spaniards did to native mexicans post invasion society.”

“Well I don’t know about all that but I just wanted to learn because” he started as his gaze shifted onto me “because I thought it was interesting and I don’t hear you speak it really. I-i really like your accent when you speak in spanish, it’s sounds very warm and inviting.”

I nearly choke on my melon chunk and get flushed. We did more conversation but I had a feeling at the back of my mind that maybe he does like me. But he has a chance to ask me everyday but never takes the chance, I guess I’ll never know I say to myself as I walk to my next presentation. After school, I prepare and sleep early for all the things I had planned.

Day 4: Performance Arts

I get up early to get all my costume changes and instruments ready for my set. I get to school to do a quick sound check and set up. I do a marching band parade kick off, the members are some of my intelligence classmates of all levels and years & the rest were me using a clone quirk I copied from a 2nd year. And of course I was the drum major, big hat and mace fantasy along with custom uniforms for everyone since UA doesn’t have a marching band. I did my songs between acts with costume change.

“I can’t wait to see what senorita Palma has planned for their acts!” excitedly exclaimed Uraraka “I bet its something over the top!”

“I don’t know how she’s going to top herself after yesterday” said Tokoyami “but whatever it is, it’s going to be impressive.”

Everyone gets settled in the outdoor assembly area and Present Mic gets on stage.

“Everybody say HEY!” crowd is slient “oh boy- lets give a welcome to our opening act! Take it away UA MARCHING CADETS!”

In the distance you can hear a booming “BAND, TEN HUT! HoooOOORA!” followed by a 3 whistle blows. The marching arrangement of Can’t Hold Us starts and the crowd was looking around to see where was the music coming from.

“We don’t have a marching band” said Jiro confused “who and where is that music coming from?”

“LOOK! over there!” gasped Midoriya as the parade of 20 people came down from inside the school. Everyone was perplexed by the sound and the in sync all the marching was. The song changed to Funkytown and everyone was getting in the groove. I was doing fancy mace work to wow the crowd.

“I wonder if Palma-san in that group kero?” asked Asui “she mentioned she played the saxophone and knows how to play jazz and blues.”

“I want to know who’s the person in the front” said Kirishima wiggling to the beat “the way they’re twirling that staff is breathtakingly stylistic! I bet that’s their support item!”

As the parade made it up the stage and arranged themselves as the song ended, Mic walked up with the microphone “WOW! That projection! Give it up to our super cool drum major that made this marching display possible, the stage is yours!” he said as he held up the microphone.

“Thank you Mic sensei” I said as a took off my hat to reveal my face and curly hair “HELLO UA! For those that don’t know me, My name is Itati Palma, intelligence 1st year! I am American born with Mexican roots and while in America, I actually was part of a school marching band, I played saxophone and trained to be a drum major. Crazy how I went from a band kid to agent in training huh? I couldn’t do it without the talents of my band members here! Why don’t y’all take off your hats and show our audience?”

They took off their hats to show that 5 of the members were me. “thats right folks your eyes don’t deceive you! I made 5 clones of myself to fill in the missing saxophone, cymbal, tuba, quad and clarinet players. Everyone else is from the intelligence program across all levels and years! Shout out to them! We have one more song and our first act will start, band are you ready?”

“CADETS!” they shouted as I conducted them to the tune Fly Me to the Moon. The song ended and we got backstage to get my next set ready. After Mimi’s polka dancing and Jin’s mini drama act was my latin jazz set. I played Vida es Un Carnival and Girl From Ipanema with my clones and 2 other members as the drummer and bassist as my ensemble. Next 2 were some folktale acts then it was my classic jazz set, same ensemble but in jazz club fantasy, we played Summer Wind and Moonlight Serenade. That was supposed to be it for my sets but one of the student acts got their costumed teared at a crucial place and couldn’t do their dance, I swooped in and said that I’ll do a solo bilingual song. Mic announced me in and I walk out in a back up dress, in case my latin costume ripped or stained.

“I dedicate this song to all the people that are in love and can’t find the right words to tell that special someone how you feel. Maybe this song will help.”

I start playing Tu Amor and all of 1-A looks at Iida, but he doesn’t notice them, the song made him feel like it was just him and Palma. At the end of the song their was an uproar of cheers and I was taken back at first but I smiled and bowed before turning it back over to Mic to end the assembly. I had to do that assembly one more time for the other half of the school then I had down time before school ended. As I was loading everything into my Jeep, Iida walked up to me.

“Ita! oh good thing I caught you before you left.”

“hehehe silly we live in the same dorm!”

“right hehe WELL I wanted to tell you that I was impressed by your performances! You never cease to amaze me with your talents.”

“thank you! I loved preforming for everyone, I feel so at home when I get up in front of everybody to entertain.”

“It shows! umm I wanted to ask you something” he said hesitantly “I was wondering if you’d like to see the fireworks with me at the festival, I wanted to tell you something important under them.”

“Oh that sounds nice but it would have to depend if I sell out before they start”

“Oh right your stand! I’ll tell everyone to buy from you so you can join me.”

“I’d love that! Thanks, but why can’t you tell me your important news before the fireworks?”

“Oh because um” he stammered “I wanted to make it memorable, it’s your first festival here. Since you can’t really look around the stands, I thought we’d enjoy the fireworks at least.”

“Thats very sweet of you, now I really hope I sell out before nightfall!”

We head to the dorms in my car and I rest up for the next day. Meanwhile the girls confront Iida.

“So so so so, did you ask her?” asked Mina as she bounced.

“Yes I asked her but she can’t unless she sells out at her stand” said Iida full of nerves still “I can’t believe I’m finally going to tell her...what if I mess it up? what if she doesn’t sell out and misses the fireworks? what if-”

“Chill out Iida-kun!” said Jiro “its hard to mess up, she’s a smart girl, she’ll understand and give you an answer. And if you’re so concerned about her missing the fireworks, just go to the stand and watch them from there.”

“Jiro-chan is right! Palma-san is going to spend time with you regardless, I’m rooting for you two.” cheerfully said Momo.

“Momo-chan, are Iida and Palma your OTP now kero?” asked Asui “I thought you wanted Mirio and Palma to happen?”

“Yea but given the current situation, Palma doesn’t have anyone on their tail nor is seeking” explained Momo as everyone uncomfortably listened “Tokoyami and Palma isn’t suitable, all the other boys are either already shipped or undesirable, that leaves Iida as her best option.”

Everyone goes to bed just to make Momo stop talking about her ships because it was starting to get cringy. Iida lays in bed acting out how he was going tell Palma how he feels.

Day 5: Culture Shock

Nothing special planned for this day, it was a talk show/interview situation on the school broadcast hosted by Mic sensei. Myself and the other international students of UA, all 10 of them across all grades and programs, talked about coming over to Japan and hero culture. I didn’t talk too much about it to avoid that traumatic event that lead me here. Everyone tuned in to hear and see us. I go about my normal school day to upkeep with the lessons I might of missed and got my baked goods and agua fresca ready to transport and sell for the next day.

Day 6: The Festival

I get up early to get ready so I can set up my stand before the grounds opened to the public. I get dressed in the back of my car with Mimi and Jin covering me as I changed into my blue campeche dress with white ribbons in my braid loops. I paired it with a simple make up look, mexican flag seprape and yellow rose hair pins to hold up my braid loops. I wore my huaraches because I know I’m going to be standing all day to sell this bread. Right away I get a bunch of customers and it was nice but after a while I didn’t get steady customers. I was selling agua fresca faster than conchas by midday because of the heat and the other stands were running out of bottled water. By 4pm, Iida came by my stand.

“Hola senorita, como se pasa aqui?”

“Hola Tenya, mas o menos aqui.”

“uh, translation, sorry hehehe”

“I said I was doing more or less here, like at this rate I’m not going to sell out in time to see the fireworks with you and it’s making me a little sad.”

“I see, well it so happens that I’m in the mood for something sweet!” he said taking out his wallet “give me 20 conchas and a large of the jamica.”

“Oh jeez ok, your total is 3,200 yen. Let me get you a bag for all that bread” I said using my quirk to serve his drink and putting the bread in the biggest paper bag I had “here you go, thank you for your donation to my cause! Come by later to see if I’m free.”

“Thank you Ita! I will!” he said walking away. I had no idea what he did with all that bread but business slightly picked up, I saw some familiar faces and had nice interactions with them. Then familiar face that I didn’t have a name to came up to my stand at sundown.

“Hi! Welcome to my stand” I said warmly as he raised his head to meet my face.

“Hmmm mexican sweet bread and drinks? Interesting” he said in an almost monotone voice but from the eye bags under his eyes, I could tell he was on day 2 of no sleep “say, aren’t you that intel student that took down the big three in that practice test?”

“Oh you tuned in for that broadcast? Yup thats me” I said trying not to brag or scream at him to hurry up and buy something.

“Cool, I’m Hitoshi Shinso, you train with my friends in 1-B” he said awkwardly like he didn’t know when to introduce himself or if he should’ve at all.

“Oh you’re Tetsutsu’s friend! He tells me about you” I said to bring this awkward conversation to an end so he can buy something and leave “did he tell you about my stand?”

“sort of, I just came by because I’ve been meaning to approach you since the broadcast but I’m a bit-” he said straining to keep his cool “just a bit of scaredy cat to come up to talk to you because of your uh talents.”

“Oh well uh thanks but I’m really nice, I don’t fight like that unless you provoke me” I said as I understood why he’s acting weird, he has a crush on me “well what can I get you?”

“hmm? oh um can I get 3 breads a medium of this cinnamon rice milk”

“Ok, your total is 600 yen” I said pouring his drink and getting the money he hands me, its a 1,000 yen bill “Out of 1,000- let me get your change of-”

“No need!” he said getting his bag small baggie of bread “keep it as donation for the cause. Also are you going to watch the fireworks? it’s going to start in an hour and a half.”

“Oh shit really?” I said looking at my phone for the time, it was almost 6pm and I was at my last 151 breads and few cups of drinks “If I sell out of product before then, I can but from the looks of it I might not be able”

He leaves and ping Mimi and Jin to help me boost sales a bit. Things did pick up a bit but when the announcement came on that the fireworks show was going to start in 5 minutes, I still had 20 conchas and 2 large cups of agua fresa left. Feeling defeated, I just stood at my stand to finish selling and maybe catch a glimpse of the show between sales. As they started, nobody came by and I thought man, I feel bad that it kinda stood up Tenya but he’s probably with the others having fun. Meanwhile, at the viewing area, Iida was pushing through the crowd looking for Palma.

“Iida-kun! it’s this way to the stands!” yelled Uraraka over the sound of the fireworks.

“Ita?! Ita?! where are you?” Iida yelled not hearing the people around him as he pushed around.

I sell my last bread and drink as the fireworks finished and I just started to clean up. I felt terrible and wallowed in my shitty-ness over this, even though deep down I know this ain’t shit to stress over and I’m just feeling the ruined fantasy. As I took down my signs, I heard somebody approach me.

“Hey”

“Oh hi Shinso” I said turning around to face him “how was the show? I couldn’t see them.”

“They were cool but I was going to say that you weren’t there” he said fixing his jacket sleeve “I would’ve enjoyed your company.”

I visibly blushed and let out a sad sigh “That makes me feel terrible, I wanted to join you and the others.”

“Well, the festival isn’t done yet” he tried to say to keep his cool “would you like to look around, with me?”

“I’m down, just let me finish here and I’ll be ready.”

After turning in my makings to the coordinator I joined Shinso for a nice time and it made me feel better. I didn’t see Iida nor got a text from them and I just thought he was having alot of fun with the others. At the end of the festival, Shinso walks me to my car and said our goodbyes. On the drive to the dorm I was like shit, now I have a crush on him! It can’t be so bad right? I get to my room and see everyone is pretty much either in the rooms asleep or not here yet. I took a well deserved bath in the dim lights and just tried to just relax but then the crackheads bust in for real bro hours in the dark, I listen in trying not to give myself away.

“Poor Iida, lost his chance” sighed Kirishima

“I don’t know how all this could’ve been avoided if he just sent her a text.” growled Bakugo

“but did you see that one chick confessing to him and he straight up was like ‘sorry, please move out of the way I am trying to find someone’ and moved them aside!” snickered Mineta

“I saw Palma-san walking around the grounds with that general ed student Shinso” Kaminari said gassing up the situation “looks like theres new competitor in the race to win her heart.”

I sit there in the tub thinking, they keep saying he likes me but I’m not convinced completely. Well, Shinso is kinda hot and nice to me, I wouldn’t mind being his girlfriend if he asked. And Tenya, he’s clean cut and gentlemanly, he’s ideal but he’s not convincing me that he wants to be more than just friends. Whatever happens, happens! I’m not letting some boys ruin me and my education. They leave and I emerge from my bath to dry off and teleport to my room. I change and walk toward the kitchen because a bitch thirsty and kinda hungry, then I see Iida hunched over the counter.

“Um hey Tenya”

“hmmm? OH Ita” he said as he stood up straight “I didn’t know you came back before me.”

“yeah, I sold out right when the fireworks ended” I said as I walked to the fridge “sorry I kinda stood you up like that, I feel terrible.”

“No! don’t be! I know you couldn’t leave until then so its ok.”

“But what was the thing you wanted to tell me?” I asked as I poured myself water “I really want to know, it sounded important.”

“Oh um I wanted to ask if...umm” he started and got nervous “if you wanted to uhhh be my, my.... my english tutor!”

“English tutor? thats it?” I questioned almost disappointedly.

“Yes! my english tutor and in exchange I can tutor you in math” he said adding on to his lies “I thought maybe we could make a habit of studying together since you wanted to take school more seriously.”

“Oh ok sure, I’ll be your tutor” I said as I got some strawberries from the fridge “for a moment there you were going to say something else! like you liked me or something.”

I didn’t see his expression but it was silent screaming and frustration “hahaha noooo, we’re good friends and I wouldn’t bring up such a thing!”

I fully didn’t know what to say to all that as I was suspicious of everything and every one. We talked over a study schedule and said good night. I went to sleep not knowing the hell I just started and will endure for the next few years with this Iida and Shinso thing.

-End Chapter 12-

#bnha #mha #self insert au #not canon #will update regularly #chapter 12 #ask me anything

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ctrl-shift-esc · 6 years

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Sometimes Fairytales don’t last. part 3

“ I can’t believe it’s over a new beginning ”

11.29.18

& that was the end of us, but possibly the beginning of something wonderful...

I’m not trying to make myself sound like an angel. I wasn’t. It was impossible for me to be. I tried my best, but like I said, I lost control, more often than I would’ve liked. It was hard enough spending weeks on end without seeing each other because of his work schedule. Spending the only time we’d have together dealing with this -- heartbreaking affair -- then adding onto it more stress from the less than pleasant stay. Not to mention the lack of affection & connection between us, it was just too much. There were times where I shut down, I didn’t know how to communicate anymore. I didn’t know what I needed to do to make everything okay. I just didn’t know what my place was anymore. Ironically, if there’s ever a time where you need to show up powerfully for your partner this was probably it… I just couldn’t seem to succeed. I know I’m hard to love when I get into that closed off head space. So I most definitely played a part in the crashing ship we were both on. It was a vicious -- vicious cycle. The more I got rejected by the mom & the less connected I felt with him, the more I shut myself off. The more insecure & anxious I got, the less love he would give me. To be honest, I can’t even blame him. He had his own stuff to deal with. Reassuring me was probably the last thing on his to do list. It didn’t change the fact that we both probably could’ve used a little more loving. We just didn’t know any better. We both didn’t know how to deal with any of it. We tried, we had moments where we still felt like us. I wanted those moments to last forever. I did more than miss those moments, I was at a point where I was craving them. They were so few and far between, in a time where we needed them more than ever.

I think I could’ve held on, If he’d held on too.

When he left me, I broke down. Again. Seemed like this was becoming a pattern… breaking down that is. The hardest part was wrapping my head around reinventing a new life. I had just started a full time job on a film set. If you know anything about film, you know that a full time gig is very time consuming. Five days a week, 13 hours a day. Starting a new life, organizing a move, splitting our belongings -- on my weekends? You had to be kidding me! Overwhelming would’ve been an understatement. The fear of losing myself and the life I worked so hard to build, overpowered the fear of losing him.

I had for some reason assumed I would be the one moving out. He didn’t stop me from assuming that either. He had a bigger income than me, so, I guess we figured I couldn’t afford the place. After speaking to my mom the morning after, she made me realize that I needed to look after myself. If there was ever a time to be selfish this was it. Wait a minute I thought, I had a full time job now. This was my home. I’m here 24/7, he’s not. I took care of the apartment, I cleaned, I decorated, I worked in Vancouver -- Why would I be the one to move out? Living in Vancouver was my dream. Not his. I’d be damned if I were to lose it all because he chose to give up.

Sure the price is steeper than I’d want to pay on my own, but right now, I could do it! I could afford this and I could figure the rest out later. So I did. I told him I wasn’t moving out, and then I took my patio furniture out of the box and started building it. I’m here to stay.

I tried to give him the chance to come back on his decision, more than once. I told him that within our relationship we have space to give space. I reassured him that “us” right now wasn’t a priority, that it was about his healing. I gave him permission to do his own thing and not worry about us, on the condition that he’d still be faithful to me only. I pleaded for us not to have to split up and move out. I warned him that going through that, would be devastating to the relationship and very hard to come back from, if he ever did change his mind. He didn’t want any of it. He wanted to be single. He left for work again, and on that day, we had a 2 hour phone conversation. We finally cried it out. How hurt we both were. He got to say his piece, I got to say mine. We listened. For what it felt like the first time in ages. We heard one another. At the end of the conversation he even mentioned that maybe the next time he was in town, we could go on a date and start fresh. I agreed, with a smile. A few days had gone by since he’d left. Not a word. My hopes were soon to be nonexistent. He probably was just trying to be nice... I thought or he changed his mind again and doesn’t want to get back together. Either way, I got annoyed of waiting for a text, a call, any sign of life. I always hated being that girl. I don’t wait and wallow in self pity. Get back in the game I told myself. One night out with a dashing man, all dolled up, will be fun. I’m not as worthless as he made me feel and I deserved to have fun and feel wanted. So Tinder was downloaded. Yep, the good ol’ trusty Tinder… I was on that thing for approximately 48 hours. I matched potentially 6 guys from which only 1 started a convo. He lived 2 hours away, worked the same kind of schedule as my now, ex. Safe to say I didn’t keep that convo going. No thanks! Until the next day, I came across a new profile, I liked it all. He was cute, looked genuine, he was older, had a stable job and he didn’t live hours away. Him, I want him. But hey, it’s Tinder so he’s probably crazy, taken, or a loser. One night out for fun is probably all I’m getting out of this, so don’t get your hopes up. This was me getting ahead of myself because neither of us had said anything yet. I figured if I waited for him to make the first move, I might be waiting a while given the fact those other 5 guys never started a convo at all. So I made the first move, and waited for a reply I thought would never come. Sure enough he wrote back and I was pretty excited about it! We planned a dinner date for the next day. Again with low expectations, I didn’t think the date would actually pan out, but it did. The date lasted over 3 hours, and he wasn’t a catfish! I think for a first Tinder date, it’s a pretty damn good one. A simple, platonic first date. It felt amazing to have normal conversations with someone again. From then on, we tried to see each other as often as we could.

I still hadn’t heard from my ex, it had been over 2 weeks. At this point, I was more than convinced he and I were never going to reignite what we once had. How could someone who loved me go so long without speaking to me, it just didn’t make sense. The only conclusion I could come up with was that he in fact didn’t love me anymore. I was wrong, week 3, he shows up at my front doorstep, wanting to try us again. The decision was now mine. To take him back or to move on. I didn’t know what to do. It’s not like I fell out of love with him. I felt betrayed, lost, used. Not to mention having a terrible after taste from what happened with his mom. I was angry. After all we had spoken about spending a lifetime together, he wasn’t just some puppy love fling. I didn’t want to make a decision based on anger. I needed to take it one day at a time. I also had to be honest with my new beau; I really enjoy your company. You’re truly a breath of fresh air (which he was, especially after how suffocated I’d felt recently) but he’s come back into my life and I need to make sure I’m making the right decision. I can’t rush anything. I had told myself that I needed to take care of my heart, that if it caused anyone to decide that they couldn’t wait, that it wasn’t for me -- that the chips would fall where they were meant to. To my surprise, he was more than supportive. We agreed to slow things down and stay friends for now. I also had to be honest with the one that just came back into my life. Listen, I met someone, I told him. He was stunned. I mean… what did he expect? The fact that he either assumed I’d be waiting around for him after leaving me and ghosting me or that he simply thought no one would want me, was borderline insulting. I still didn’t turn him down right away. I told him I needed to believe he’d be here to stay before we ever think of getting back together. We agreed that only time would tell. Until I found out he had lied about his whereabouts one night when he had stayed back home and I had flown back home early. I was over the top enraged. At this point, I really couldn’t trust him anymore. It wasn’t about trusting in his will to make things work anymore, it was straight up trusting his word. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he had willingly lied to me. What else would he lie about in the future? Is this really the kind of relationship I’m going to feel safe and loved in? I don’t know, but it doesn’t sound like it, does it?

Letting go is hard. Especially when you’ve imagined a life with someone. We may not have been married, but we made promises to each other. We promised to be each others person. Those promises were broken. I never wanted this. It’s not easy to turn the page when you’re basically forced to. I didn’t feel like I had a choice anymore. It didn’t matter what I did or said, he kept making the wrong choices. I was furious at him for it. Maybe we just weren’t a good match to begin with. Or maybe we were a good match until we weren’t anymore. Regardless, I realized that I was fighting so hard to hold onto something that the universe was clearly trying to steer me away from. I got tired of fighting. I got tired of being the only one fighting.

I also happened to have met a really great guy. Who, during all this time, wiped tears off my face when I got overwhelmed with it all. He listened and heard me, even if it may have been hard for him to. I admired that. He was a friend before anything else. He tapped into that same selflessness that I’d been tapping into. He showed the kind of support I needed and wanted in a relationship all along. He was quite literally a breath of fresh air. I needed that right now. I couldn’t make a decision based on fear, or based on anger. I didn’t. I took my time and it didn’t happen overnight but I chose the path that allowed me to breathe freely.

Of course it hurts my heart. When you spend that much time with someone, whether you want to admit it or not, they become family. I’m starting to learn that love can live without being in love & that’s okay. Just because I’m not with him doesn’t mean I have to stop caring or hate him. I’m at ease with my decision, because it's what I needed. For the first time, I had listened to what I needed. We were great lovers, but we never could figure out how to be partners, and that’s ultimately what I’m looking for. For the first time in my life I was able to go through this without regretting anything. Because nothing was mine to regret. Things happened the way they did, and I had no control over it. I made decisions based on my needs and I gave it all. I gave all of me until I had nothing left to give.

Who knows what the universe has in store for me. Who knows where we’ll stand in 10 years from now. All I know is I’m ready to live in the moment. Love like I’ve never been hurt before and laugh like there’s no tomorrow. I hope you do the same.

It was the end of us… But it may have been the beginning of something wonderful.

A gentle growth.

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kingofthewilderwest · 6 years

Text

Haddock’s 2003 FMA Liveblog Part 4

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]

I went to bed at a nice, normal time. And then 1:30 came around, my brain screamed “SURPRISE TIME TO WAKE UP” and uhhhhh it’s now 3 AM and I need to occupy myself for a little bit of time before I’m sleepy enough to return to the realm of happy unconsciousness.

Episodes 41-42

Ep. 41 Holy Mother

The central theme of this anime: The military sucks.

Yeah. Like that’s actually going to happen. “Don’t fight.” We know how shit like this actually goes down.

Bradley: Kills Martel inside Reverse Pinocchio. Blood splurts. Cut to: Extremely happy, energetic anime opening song with kids playing.

It would be a lot easier on everyone if Mustang knew something of what was going on, ya’ll. I don’t care if Hughes was like “You can reach the top while I investigate this privately.” At this point this is a hazard. A hazard.

There’s caution to keep people safe. There’s caution to keep yourself safe. There’s caution if you’re unsure of information. There’s caution if you’re investigating dangerous information. There’s caution if you’re uncertain you can trust someone. And on and on and on. But then there’s just caution for not the most well-written reason and seriously I keep feeling like this is sort of the latter, a semi-contrived reason for Mustang to be kept in the dark this entire anime.

Indie that’s rude.

Okay so racial relations in FMA 2003 versus FMA 2009. This could be like, a dissertation topic. I’ve been talking a lot about the difference with friends ever since I saw one semi-disrespectful post of FMAB talking about how it handles racial tensions, essentially saying that we’re supposed to believe one random, old woman (Shan) that the Ishvalans know that not all Amestrians are bad... whereas here in FMA 2003 Scar calls out the military’s discrimination against the Ishvalans to Ed in conversation and we’re supposed to understand believe what his point is. I 1000% understand the post, but don’t agree with that post.... but if we went into all the reasons why I don’t agree with its oversimplification of racial representation and voice in the shows, it really would be a dissertation right here and right now. Anyway. Now, while it is true that FMA 2003 shows a lot more of the perspective of the Ishvalans and gives a lot more straightforward of a minority voice, which is damn NICE, while FMAB focuses about the Ishvalan War more from the Amestrian side... FMAB is farrrrrr from without minority voice and complexity and meaningfulness and respect, too. FMAB does a very heavy job of calling out the Amestrians for what they did in the Ishvalan War as wrong and baseless, too - even if upper command (and Envy) started it, Riza points out that she and her fellow Amestrians carried out the bloodshed with their own hands. Watching the fourth OVA gives a lot of voice to people like Heathcliffe and wow. FMAB gives a lot of purpose to Scar’s motivations, too, from the start of wanting to kill State Alchemists out of well-understood revenge... to pulling him into a focus whereby he wants to rebuild Amestris’ Ishvalan population as he can. But where I think the BEST way to talk about the difference between the 2003 and 2009 racial messages in these shows isn’t that the minority voice is or isn’t given respect and time (because really, really, both *do* - let’s talk manga Miles, and Scar, and Scar’s mentor, and...). But what 2003 shows the Ishvalans saying is, “The military is shit. They destroyed us. We have the right to be angry. You can argue we have the right to fight back.” And while there’s a whole, whole, whole, whole, WHOLE lot of truth to 2003 and how things happen irl... there’s something really powerful about 2009. 2009 says, “The military is shit. They destroyed us. We have the right to be angry. But that DOESN’T mean we have the right fight back.” And that wraps into one of Arakawa’s biggest, most widespread message throughout all of her manga, from start to end: All humans are important. All souls deserve to be treated with the utmost respect as human beings. It doesn’t matter if you’re a suit in armor. It doesn’t matter if you’re a frog chimera. It doesn’t matter what your race is. It doesn’t matter who started the bloodshed... you should be the one to end it. You are a human, human is good, and the best thing we can do is help each other. FMAB is about breaking out of the cycle of “an eye for an eye.” Now FMA 2003 is showing, through Ed’s reactions and so forth, the conflict he has with the idea of “Eye for an eye,” suggesting also it’s not a good thing. But it’s really in 2009 where the message sparkles... because Scar becomes not someone with a vengeful purpose who wants to create a pure Philosopher’s Stone from military lives. But Scar is someone who goes from someone with vengeful purpose for what the military has done to him... to trying to be the better person, the HERO, who fights back and gives back when no one else would before. And fuck man. Scar and Scar’s brother are the damndest heroes in FMAB. There’s so much to be said about the pros and cons of racial representation in each show, 2003 versus 2009, but both really try to speak to important messages of minority discrimination, genocide, and the horribleness of what it is. NEITHER ARE BAD!!! XD But damn if 2009′s message of “Revenge is not justified. We will treat all humans as humans” is fucking wicked good. Like. Enormous applause to the Ishvalans for being the better people? They are the true heroes. They are the TRUE heroes of FMAB.

In FMAB 2009, Scar prevents an entire city (entire COUNTRY) from being used as an effective transmutation circle creating a Philosopher’s Stone. In FMA 2003, Scar is the one seeking to make an entire city into a Philosopher’s Stone. Interesting contrast. Sad not to have my hero Scar here. A complex antagonist in the 2003, who, from another framework could act as an antihero (the best antagonists imho are those whose perspectives could be written as “good guys” because they have understandable, human motivations)... but nevertheless, not a hero of the tale as in Arakawa’s final work.

Took fukkin long enough for Heart Eyes Motherfucking Horse Boi to find out. Thank you, Reverse Pinocchio, for acting with more sense than Markiplier and Virility Redux.

One beautiful moment with Al in the manga at Liore is when he pulls stuff out of his loincloth in public in front of his father, much to Hohenheim’s dismay and embarrassment. And here we have Armor stuffing his bro’s pocketwatch into his loincloth. I mean, it’s a fair place to carry things, buuuuut there is something to said it looks bad buddy. XD

I can’t judge talking military cats because we do like, have Jerso in FMAB.

Okay Bishie Boi I give you permission to kill a certain murderous State Alchemist Fucker. Go get Kimblee. Go get him. Martel hasn’t killed him yet. You. Please. Kill him. I don’t like Kimblee. Get Kimblee.

It’s so damn refreshing and applause-worthy to see full rooms of dark-skinned POC in an anime let’s be real.

Also not showing the eyes of ANYONE in the military during these scenes? Really good, chilling effect.

The name avoidance is getting really old homunculi pals.

Also love how many women are very prominent in the 2003.

GO SCAR GO. GO SCAR GO! BISHIE BOY, KICK KIMBLEE ASS!! GO SCAR GO SCAR GO SCAR GO!!!

.....that accidentally almost sounded like a Dr. Seuss book up there. Just need a little meter and rhyming and...

Dude there’s a fucking dragon on the end of that that is LEGIT.

You brought the kid back. You brought the kid messenger back. You brought the kid messenger back to Liore. KEEP THEF UCKI :ENW:EOGIN KEEP THE FUCKING KID IN SAFETY AWAY FROM LIORE IT’S A WAR ZONE YOU IDIOTS

Gotta respect how long Kimblee’s hair is in this anime.

[Camera angle constantly spinning around Kimblee and Scar while they’re talking] I get that you’re trying to make this dramatic but hell if that isn’t too much and somewhat dizzying.

Badass Al and his perfect-and-rapidly-drawn transmutation circles!

This anime had suchhhhhhhhh a slow start but finally we’re getting someplace. Not entirely well-joined together everywhere but we’re finally getting to Serious Shit and I appreciate it.

Al saying he’s hollow and not meaningless is a nice callback to when he was questioning the validity of his own memories, saying that if he weren’t human, then it wasn’t worth living. Exact opposite message here and thank. V good. This v good.

They get a lot more of Al’s intense and very real badass side down in this anime.

Sayin’ it like it is. Bruh, respect.

Yeah there’s lots and lots of good content rn.

“Can you hear it? The countdown to your death?” And this is why nobody likes you Kimblee. Fuck you.

Is this the part where we have Scar use his arm or something to change Al into a Philosopher’s Stone or whatever the hell it is that is the first stage of Al not being armor?

YES.

YES

YES YES YES MY WISH HAS BEEN GRANTED.

Are you.

Are you fucking kidding me.

Die already Kimblee you fuck

Well that’s gotta be traumatic to Ed

Dramatic shots of doom.

This ain’t gonna end well. Also we’re suspiciously close to the end of the episode with no resolution... I planned to watch ONE episode tonight but that might not be what happens eh.

Oh look the episode just ended.

Yeah fuck that we need at least just one more.

Ep. 42 His Name is Unknown

I’m v suspicious Scar ain’t gonna live through this. Hopefully also Kimblee. Kimblee needs to Be Gone (TM).

Aka “This is how the writers don’t have Al die right here and now.”

DING DONG THE WICKED WITCH IS DEEEEAAAAAAD!!!

Okay but Scar. Ishval’s Top Model. Bishie Boi. He’s like. Walking around so calmly with so little sign of pain. BRO YOU ARE MISSING AN ARM. And don’t you DAMN tell me “It’s but a scratch” or “It’s only a flesh wound.” Like I could Monty Python caption you right now you fucker and I shouldn’t be able to do that.

Oh hey look my liveblogging is showing my true swearing colors. Rawr. I’m a swearer. I like swears. FEAR ME AND ALL THE SWEARS.

(I usually censor myself a lot on tumblr for Things Like Swears BUT AIN’T NOT HAPPENING NOW YO).

Is.... is ANYONE going to do ANYTHING about Scar’s recently lost arm?????????? HE LOST A LOT OF BLOOD. LOTS OF BLOOD GUSHED OUT WHEN HE TRANSMUTED IT OFF. AND YET EVERYONE IS SO CASUAL ABOUT THIS. Let’s talk about Al’s survival chances. Let’s talk about how to change Al so he doesn’t go off into a bomb. Let’s talk about the Philosopher’s Stone. Let’s talk about your past history with Lust. HOW ARE YOU CONSCIOUS AND WHY AREN’T WE CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR GODDAMNEDFUCKINGSHIT ARM.

At least have him pass out or something.

Nope we’re just going to stand around and stare at each other and be like “You’re not my brother’s girlfriend” and shit and not care about your lack of armness apparently.

Hey new intro. The music definitely has the same generic rocky upbeat flavor of the other intros in 2003, but I like this one the best. The intro also shows us not one but two separate shots of Roy so that’s even better. And even bestest, we just keep pulling in that photo of Horsing Around in the background again. We just keep sneaking that in. I really wish you WROTE Horsing Around better but HEY we get the PHOTO <3 <3 <3

So all that’s good.

Yesssssss finally in this anime you are having ROY MUSTANG ***DO*** SOMETHING. Finally DO something. (whispers) and yes, of course Riza is here, I love you two together

But seriously how long does it take for you to WRITE MUSTANG DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THE SHIT GOING DOWN IN THIS FUCKING STORY

(whispers) Wife

Good for you, Alex.

“There’s no such thing as a military that doesn’t have corruption or evil in it.” I love when villains have damn truthful lines like that shit.

He’s really pretty in this shot.

Okay for all you mention Roy being the Hero of Ishval in this moment between Archer and Roy, and then there was that one scene waaaay back in Flame vs Fullmetal where we had Roy get a bit of a flashback to the war, and then I guess that ONE scene where he thought about doing human transmutation...... you really haven’t taken advantage. of. this. character. AT ALL. In this anime. You’ve really left him to sit by for dozens of episodes in a row. Develop this shit. Even if you plan to develop this shit down the road, this is just another example of uneven scaffolding in your writing. I went into this anime particularly because I was curious about the interesting Roy shit you were thinking about writing, and yet I feel like you’ve given me very little to work with? I mean. He’s present. We’ve had a FEW interesting moments with him, primarily at the start. We’ve seen him do some things like suppress the Ishvalans before they rebelled, and stuff. It’s not like he’s absent and you could critique my critique. But he still feels sooooo underutilized. He really feels underutilized. Develop all that trauma shit content and his ambition being the Fuhrer and his past with Ishval instead of just touching it here and there and referencing it in scenes and then being like “La la la and now all Mustang is gonna do in this episode is look suspiciously at people but not do anything active about the shit going all around him.”

So we’re SLIGHTLY paying attention to his arm, but still having an extended conversation about Lust instead.

I mean I don’t care if the arm got cauterized and there’s just a stump there, you still lost a lot of blood and there’s shock and trauma and shit. You are hanging in there way too good bud. THAT IS AN ARM.

That looks cool. And we know exactly what those symbols are.

Oh cool another arm gone AND YOU ARE STILL CONSCIOUS.

Now, after just a little gasping in pain and sweating, I’m going to stand up and calmly explain the history of my arm. COME ON SCAR ADRENALINE ONLY GOES SO FAR *YOU* *HAVE* *NO* *ARMS*

No one would even guess this is the screencap of a man who has literally just lost both of his arms.

In 2003, he loses both of his arms. In 2009, he uses both of his arms and destroys Bradley’s.

Yes, Indie. Tell Roy about your mother homonculus. At least do it for the sake of integrally including Horsie IN THE MAIN FUCKING PLOT MORE.

HOW DID SCAR DROP KIMBLEE FROM THE TOP OF THE BUILDING HE HAS NO ARMS HOW DID YOU CARRY HIM HOW DID YOU DROP HIM.

WHY ARE YOU STILL RUNNING AROUND.

Okay seriously how many times are you going to injure this guy and still have him be “relatively” okay? Because several gunshot wounds to his shoulders didnt make him lapse into unconsciousness either? At least he seems to be in legitimate lasting pain now? Not like that’s a GOOD thing to be in pain, but at least he’s not like, running around?

You should be like delirious tho bud

Seriously are these last two episodes “How many times can we injure Scar” like wut

Take that back he’s stood up and is waltzing around again wtf

I hate how the feels you get from this scene are 1). Scar is dying, 2). Scar is doing this for his brother [sob] and not... “we’re mass killing thousands of low-ranking soldiers and turning them into a Philosopher’s Stone.” Like something about that’s just wrong. Feels, good? But....

Power trio

This still is the most badass moment with these blokes tho:

[sigh] Mustang is just such a better character in FMA 2009 / the manga.

[whispers to Al] No it’s not. #1. Philosophers’ Stone. #2. You’re armor.

:)))))))))))

#FMA #Fullmetal Alchemist #blabbing Haddock #non-dragons #liveblog #liveblogging

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