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#I enjoyed my one week of unemployment lol

alwaysthefool · 1 month

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Melting (like an Ice Cream) Part 1

Tags: Fluff, Reader is a bit over-enthusiastic, gender neutral

Warnings: unemployment mention lol, ultra embarrassing reader like 2000s rom com protagonist level embarrassing

Synopsis: You don’t want to lose your job as Chuuya’s assistant because it pays well. Multi part.

Chuuya sighed as he looked down at the document assigning him a new secretary after he rejected the previous few. He simply didn’t want one, but it was mandated for someone at his position. Plus, Mori wanted him to have a reduced workload. Considering Chuuya was too busy to attend the interview process, Mori personally selected whoever was most ‘enthusiastic’ rather than someone with experience or qualifications.

And that person was you.

Green but willing to do whatever to make this job stay. You were told your boss was a little cold and transferred others who were under him. It was stupid to take a job in the mafia but the current employment situation left you no choice. The pay was really good, and it wasn’t like you’d have to off people, at least that’s what the job description said. You just had to make reports, and help out the guy who did off people— one Chuuya Nakahara, and that too in the office. *

“This is going to be a piece of cake!” You chimed as you entered the Mori Corporation building, a very sophisticated mafia front business dealing with shipping ‘items’ overseas. You stood out like a sore thumb with a bright face as you swiped your employee card to enter the elevator area, pushing the button and greeting everyone there. Your previous job taught you to be nice to everyone because you never knew when you’d need someone’s help, but looking at how no one returned your greetings, you felt like perhaps it had the opposite effect here. You stared down at the document you prepared, reading your new boss’ schedule, wondering if you should’ve gotten him and his team coffee since you were early anyway and he didn’t have anything in store for the day.

As you reached your floor, you felt like people made snide remarks right as you stepped out the elevator. Hopefully it was just your imagination. You walked to the executive’s room, knocking on the door.

“Come in.” His sharp voice echoed.

You took a deep breath, put on your most professional smile, and opened the door, cheerfully introducing yourself. He looked up, a little surprised, then looked down again. “What are you so happy about?” He mumbled. Is everyone at this place this way?

Still, that wasn’t enough to set you off. “Is there anything I can help you with, sir?”

“Chuuya’s fine. Do whatever you want, just get off my ass.”

You blinked at his words, excusing yourself as you exited the room and made your way to the adjoining office where you found a few people working away on files. Oddly, there were no windows, and the lighting was too dim, despite which a blonde woman wearing sunglasses typed away rapidly. You sat on the desk beside her, where a note was left for you telling you to take the day off.

“But it’s my first day?” You spoke out loud.

The blonde woman beside you stopped typing, making the room eerily silent and said “You must be Nakahara’s new assistant. Well, enjoy your week off.”

“Wait, what?”

“He doesn’t really need- well, want an assistant but the boss’ wants him to try them for at least a week. They- well, you will be let off with a week’s pay.”

You couldn’t accept that. You needed that job, even without insurance, the pay was too good to pass up.

I just have to prove myself as an indispensable employee so Chuuya can’t fire me!

You devised your plan as you introduced yourself to the blonde woman named Higuchi, who too had a strict boss but somehow still held her job. “Miss, do you know which car belongs to Mr. Na- Chuuya?”

“Oh, you’ll know when you see it.”

You looked at the schedule and rushed downstairs, again greeting everyone on the elevator to no response. You ran out when you reached the lobby, greeting an old man at the entrance gate, who actually greeted you back.

It didn’t take long to find Chuuya’s car. A mahogany sports car, with a foreign number plate and tinted glasses, no car being parked near it. You walked to it and looked under it, checking it for explosives and the like, just stuff you’d seen in action movies.

“What the fuck are you doing?” A sudden, irritated voice spoke from behind you.

“Checking your car for explosives?”

Chuuya sighed, pinching his nose bridge. “Headache in the morning.” He spoke under his breath, probably to not let you hear him, but you did as even his whispers were just naturally loud.

“Uh, sir-“

“Chuuya’s fine.” He repeated.

“Let me open the door, so if there’s an explosive, it doesn’t detonate on you.”

He rolled his eyes, holding your arm lightly to move you away. “All the more reason for me to open it.” He pressed a button on the keys he was holding, and the door opened upwards, in true sports car fashion. Before getting in the car, he looked to you and said “Look, I’m sorry for being rude in the morning. I’m just tired of… I don’t need an assistant. You can spend the week at home and you’ll be compensated for it. I checked your records, you’ve never been in an organisation like this before, right? Trust me, you don’t want to be here. Just go.”

He didn’t meet your eyes, but bowed politely and got in. You moved further back to let his car go.

Your new boss actually seemed nice, but seeing the job market, you did want to be there. No where else would hire someone with your experience, references, and grades at an actually liveable price. Even if you transferred to other jobs in the mafia, you didn’t think you’d be able to handle the field work they do. Accounts, budgeting, making spreadsheets and schedules, planning meetings, picking up someone’s laundry or morning coffee— that was fine by you. So you slowly walked back up, using the stairs this time so as to not meet anyone, going back to your cubicle beside the blonde woman who was still typing away rapidly.

Everyone around you was too busy to engage in conversation, and you wondered what you could do. Maybe meet with the people who hired you in the first place to ask them for— no, they were literal gang bosses, you reminded yourself. You stood up and went to Chuuya’s office, which you were given keys to.

Maybe I can clean up?

You hoped dusting didn’t count as snooping. You pulled your sleeves up and started cleaning the windows with a dust cloth you obtained from the janitorial closet. You dusted the curtains, vacuumed the carpet, wiped the table, even removed the cobwebs from the corners of the room. There was nothing more to do except organising the files, but you also didn’t want to be yelled at. You looked outside the window, watching clouds cover the city skies.

Did Chuuya have an umbrella?

You luckily carried one in your bag, owing to the unpredictable weather of the summer months. You went down, waiting at the parking lot. Sure, doing so much looked pathetic but being unemployed was even worse. As it started raining, you opened the umbrella and wondered what more you could do.

Luckily, Chuuya’s car arrived soon, speeding too fast for that weather. You rushed to his door with the umbrella.

“What the fuck?” He seemed confused at you holding the umbrella over him as he opened his door.

“Um, I didn’t think you had an umbrella?”

“I don’t need one. You use it.”

You watched in awe as he pushed past you again, the raindrops gravitating off him. Of course. Why didn’t you think of that?

You followed him, leaving your umbrella in the holder at the entrance. People stopped to bow at him as he walked past, and even greeted him at the elevator. It was then that you realised respect at the port didn’t come from being polite and making connections, but the kind of work you did. You had to take the same approach to get Chuuya to not fire you too.

You rushed out the elevator and opened his office door for him, which made him chuckle a little. “I should be opening the door for you, don’t you think?”

Everything he said was just so charming, almost kind. At the same time, he just seemed so intimidating and unapproachable. Something out of a dream.

You were lost in your thoughts and did not reply, or even notice his reaction to his office. At that moment, where he just stared in silence, you felt terror overcome you. What if he assassinated you there and then because you cleaned his room a little? What if the mafia executed in their style on the assumption of you being a spy?

“Hey, you cleaned up my office. Looks good.” He spoke unexpectedly, handing you his coat. You took it and hung it on a rack.

“Thank you, so much.” You were breathless. “I didn’t touch the files or cabinets because-“

“No need’ta be so nervous.” He seemed more friendly than he was in the morning. “You did good. You can organise the cabinets if ya want.”

Everything was too surprising. You wanted to be a strong employee and butter him up a bit more, but everything felt overwhelming. “Should I get you coffee?”

“No, I’m good with wine.” You resisted the urge to ask what he was doing drinking so early as he poured himself a glass. You were about to leave when he asked you something that would be the start of both your lives changing.

“Hey, would you like a glass?”

#slowburn #fic #bsd #bungou stray dogs #fluff #hcs #self insert fics #chuuya nakahara #bsd chuuya #chuuya x reader #bsd x reader #gender neutral #fanfiction

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kittyandco · 8 days

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Hey, congrats on the new job!!!! 💜💜💜 give yourself TONS of grace lol that's a lot to have going on even without trying to figure out going back to school. It'll all work out– you've got plenty of time. Sending you the best of vibes!!!!!

thank you 🥺🥺🥺🥺! technically i'm working 2 jobs because i'm selling clothes & handmade jewelry online on the side so i am very tired rvskshdks -- i started doing that toward the end of my almost-year-long unemployment stretch and i enjoy it!!! but it is stressful trying to juggle them both at once because i'm still establishing routine. it'll be easier starting this week because we have reduced hours on fridays through the summer.

i might give myself a break on that part at least for now, or try not to put so much pressure on myself. my main job isn't what i want to be doing necessarily. not even close. and i only decided to continue the side business mostly to try and save up to move out quicker, but ehh... i think i need to give that up for now. it just doesn't seem very plausible right now, especially with my salary, even in my area (small-ish southern town). i don't want to blow through the money i've saved over the last few years either just in case something happens or in case i do go back to school. with all the family issues i do have, i at least have a stable place to live and i'm doing my part.

i still feel very inadequate because of it and it does suck not having that flavor of autonomy. sometimes it REALLY sucks. but i'm going to try to take it one step at a time

anyway, all this to say!!! thank you 🥺🥲💖

#asks #❤️#little life update and why i haven't been on much either. at least some of the reasons

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georgegraphys · 1 month

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Dissecting this article "Mercedes F1 report over £500m turnover for 2023"

So according to the financial report, it is reported that Mercedes, despite a flop season, records the highest turnover in Formula One world with +£500M revenue which is a +£71.9M increase from 2022.

"How are they exactly able to do this?? Didn't they flop? Didn't *** or ******* do better?? We didn't have any wins last year!"

According to the article, the sponsorship revenues were the highest contributing factor to the financial growth for Mercedes. This also brought them more partnership in 2023 and later for 2024. And it is worthy to note that although

"“The team’s share of television coverage showed a small decline to 14.7% for 2023, reflecting the lower number of podium finishes the team enjoyed versus 2022, The cumulative Advertising Value Equivalent (AVE) remained strong for commercial partners and shareholders, at $5.3 billion. The team continued to grow strongly on social media, with a cumulative followership of 36 million (+15%) and a total of 465 million engagements (+9%).”

Let's first talk about AVE. What is Advertising Value Equivalency? AVE is a commonly used term in the PR world that measures the monetary values of media coverage of a PR campaign. How do you exactly measure an AVE? It is done through ROI (Return on Investment), Revenue made by the company, CPC (Cost per Click), Conversion Rates, Average CTR (Click-Through Rate), ROAS (Return on Ad Spend), and others. It is also noteworthy that even though AVE is commonly used, AVEs do not FULLY measure the value of a company's PR work and is never the standard for a company's successfulness i. AVE just measures the monetary part and reflects nothing to the whole PR works (Some damned it too lol).

But back to the topic, this case shows that in the end even if Formula One is a sport, money stood the highest and the contributing factors around it are sponsors, every single PR campaign, media coverage, etc. It is no surprise that this year will generate more profit for Mercedes in terms of AVE, television and media coverage, etc. And this is all thanks to the second seat drama that is going on right now.

Judging by how the drama is boiling hot, I doubt that the second seat will be announced soon because the drama generates a crazy amount of coverage for Mercedes' rn. Every week, Mercedes name got to be one of the most mentioned of all as everyone waits out in anticipation of the second seat. This does not only benefit Mercedes but to all the sponsors, shareholders (Toto, Benz, INEOS), George, and to everyone in F1 that has their name mentioned. This type of coverage would boost Mercedes valuations and stocks like crazy and that is the amount of money you'd never think about. Think of every time Mercedes' name is mentioned, it is a money in the pocket for them thanks to the coverage and exposure they got.

This whole thing shows that money wins and money talks. From a PR and business standpoint, it's not always about the idealism of "who wins" but sometimes it's about "who's the most talked about". The next time you see Toto Wolff yapping, think of it as a way of him and everyone else involved getting the ka-ching. Because in the business world, good or bad publicity has a paper thin difference as they both generate money and money is the most important thing. As much as you'd think my word is dramatic, the amount of money they generate from the exposure and coverage also helps the human resources they recruited and the development of the team. It is also reported in the report that they increased the staff in the factory, they paid a lot for it and they must pay more taxes. Again, this is not just a two-dimensional way of seeing capitalism happening but also by seeing the small percentage of people getting a job in these tough times (reducing unemployment for a country) and the taxes regulating back to the citizen (well if it's not corrupted but if it did yeah...). So yeah, the money they get from benefitting on those media coverages, no matter how stupid it is, will come back to the people working for them and to other external parts. It is a very complex yet interesting economic cycle that starts from maybe the tiniest PR agenda 😉

#corporate talks #pr talks #sponsor talks

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bitchesgetriches · 1 year

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Hi ladies, not so much an ask but just a vent.

I went on vacation for the first time since 2016. It was a week-long and it was amazing! I finally felt refreshed! The second day I was back we had a scheduled meeting and I arrive...and I get told I'm being let go.

I've never felt so embarrassed, defeated, angry, and shame all in one moment. I cried. I'm emotional and I know you're supposed to be composed but dammit I was devastated. I was coming from a high of finally getting time off and enjoying a week off and just...come back to no job.

I read Piggy's blog post about job loss and felt a little better since it's very similar to my story (putting SO MUCH devotion to the job and loyalty and the ONE time I take off time for myself that was approved..I come back to be laid off lol it's funny in a very fucked up way) but it's just an up and down rollercoaster of emotions.

I'm currently dealing with all the emotions and then getting all the important stuff out of the way (unemployment, taking a test to substitute teach soon etc) but idk it's just an encompassing feeling of shame. The whole last 3 years have just been awful and I'm trying not to fall into a cycle of depression but man...this bitch is TIRED! I just want one year for things to go right.

Thank you for listening :')

Oh honey! I'm so sorry. That's fucking awful. And you know I relate!

You're always welcome to vent to us. And I feel like the more we share stories like this, the more other bitchlings will know they're not alone when they go through emotional breakups with their jobs. It sucks, but you WILL get through it and you will be fucking stronger in the end. Chin up, my child. We believe in you!

Here's something to get you started on the next leg of your career:

{ MASTERPOST } Everything You Need to Know about Getting a Job, Raise, or Promotion

And for everyone who missed it, here's my story about getting canned:

I Lost My Job and It Might Be the Best Worst Thing That’s Ever Happened to Me

If you found this helpful, consider tipping us!

#getting fired #fired #lost my job

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monaut · 6 months

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My life updates:

-Tried to quit my toxic job, my manager and AD made me sit through THREE hours of overtime meetings to convince me to stay, told me they didn’t accept my resignation, and that I should take until the end of the week to think it over. Then I came into the office the next day and my manager immediately cornered me and told me it was my last day… WTF

-enjoying unemployment now but going absolutely nowhere with job applications, literally have only done one interview STILL to this day, depressed lol. Stressed about moving back to America before 12/31 so I don’t have to pay j*pan taxes for 2024 but idk if it’s a mistaken to go back to a crumbling country 😭

-deeply in limerence with the loml (the guy I hooked up with one time in nyc and decided that God sent him into my life as a sign to move to nyc and put an invisible string connecting us lol even though he dgaf about me) to the point where I STILL dream about him to this day… I wish I wasn’t like this 🥶

-my male best friend of 5 years just confessed that he’s liked me all 5 years even though for 3 of those years he was dating my friend?? And he wants a poly relationship?? And I am naturally a naive person so I was like I hate all m*n this is weird predator behavior but caught myself trapped in gender essentialist thinking… instead of being disgusted that he likes me I should instead use good faith and be thankful that we could still enjoy 5 years of great friendship due to his self control and extreme “goodness” as a person since this is one of my best friends lol (I call like 100 people my best friend though so I don’t know if this means much) (I am so picky with friends that I won’t be friends with someone unless they are best friend material… so everyone is my best friend even if it’s one sided lol)

-how does the job search work??? I’ve never job hunted before bc I’ve always gotten referrals 😭

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rudi-is-rudi · 1 year

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goodbye 2022

a look back at 2022 ~

I’ll remember this year as the year that I was laid off and had to do a lottttt of maintenance on my inner world. I thought that being in one place, not moving around, and finally settling down a bit would bring me peace and clarity and honestly - even though it sounds cliche - like the world was my oyster and lots of fun endeavors were waiting for me. That all changed when 3 weeks into 2022 I was laid off from my job: The foundation on which my false sense of security rested upon was pulled out right from underneath me. Even though it was terrible and lame and annoying and stressful, I still managed to do a hell of a lot of fun and cool things this year - of course, with my amazing partner by my side. Here’s some of the highlights as I look back:

1. We got to experience PA winter in full swing! It snowed a few times and we cozied up in our new place at the beginning of the year. I think there were even some fun photo shoots in my underwear dancing around in the snow in our backyard?

2. Sean got me a Tiffany’s necklace for vday and I got him gold roses - quite boujie I’d say! We always spoil each other and this year was no different. And we had a super fancy dinner in Philly, got a free entre, and free dessert! Just our luck.

3. For Sean’s bday we fulfilled his one request - eat lots of different cakes! I think we got 5 or 6 slices of cakes from Paris Baguette and enjoyed every bite. And lottery tickets. Lots. And Lots. Of lottery tickets.

4. I started writing movie reviews and turning them into youtube videos! It was fun for a little while.. I thought with all of my thoughts and ideas i’d be able to sustain a channel long term but that sh*t is a lot of work and in the end it wasn’t for me. HOWEVER, I did continue to make youtube videos all year - mostly doing nails which have gotten better and better all year long.

5. Living closer to home paid off. We got to spend a lot of time with my family this year. Going to the butterfly garden for my mom’s bday stands out as a highlight as well as shopping with her at Suburban Square, going to my cousin’s wedding, and seeing each other on every major holiday. I used to despise family gatherings, and now I cherish them deeply.

6. My sister was pregnant the first half of the year and I got to go to Florida to throw her a baby shower with my mom and our extended family. It was such a wholesome and fun trip. Usually the Florida sun and humidity isn’t my thing but I thoroughly enjoyed walking to the beach and experiencing being with my Grandma.

7. We went to ITALY! Even if Japan didn’t open its borders to tourists just yet, we still made international travel happen and it was very romantic and fun. Especially Venice - what a gorgeous city, the canals, Doge Palace, aperol spritz and the fancy 10-story walk-up airbnb. We walked like 10 miles a day and throughout Venice, Florence, and Milan we stumbled upon all different kinds of hidden gems (the alchemist’s lair being very memorable, and the view from the top of that hill near our airbnb where i cried lol). The food was a solid 6.5 out of 10 (lol) with shining stars like the sandwiches in Florence and the lows being Cibreo -_- . Sean is an amazing travel buddy and makes anywhere feel like home.

8. We got more tattoos! I think Sean got 6 tattoos?! I got 2 new ones. And counting!

9. We had some solid exercise habits that started by going to the gym together like 4-5 times a week from January through May! We fell off the wagon, then got back on with Peloton, then fell off again. Lol

10. I got a LOVESAC for my bday!!! Which completely changed the game for me with reading. I read 25 books this year which blows my mind. But that was one of the ways that unemployment was productive! We also went kayaking for my bday - so serene, so nice. It was moody and cloudy that day so we were alone on the Schuykill river which was perfect.

11. We made friends! And did things like The Bachelorette weekly watch parties, went to engagement parties and danced our pants off, hosted a labor day picnic and Friendsgiving, and I joined a book club. Friendships are a fun social outlet but Sean is still and will always be the one I love hanging out with the most.

12. We went to Cape may beach and Sean actually went in the ocean with me!!! I loved seeing his smile floating around and letting the waves sway him up and down. And we managed to not get sunburn!

13. We celebrated 3 years of dating!

13. I made a looooooooooot of salads. Famous Rudi salads.

14. I got really into K-pop.. like more than ever before. Even got to see Blackpink which was a once in a lifetime event! Probably one of the happiest days of my life - not exaggerating!

15. Sean got raise after raise after raise and is bringing home the bacon like I’ve never seen him before. It’s been wonderful to see him feeling secure and buying whatever the f he wants!

16. I got a job!!! And in the same month, I bought a brand new car. Goodbye rusty old volvo - hello 2023 soobie :) Adulting.

17. I got to visit my new nephew, Juju, in San Diego and spend a week with my sister. She’s such a good mom and I can’t wait to see juju again this year!

18. We got a PS5 and finally got to play Genshin which is now an obsession - a healthy obsession ;)

19. Sean built an enormous tea collection, decked out his office in a bunch of cool decor & peloton, grew herbs and plants in our backyard, stood up to our cranky neighbors, discovered his new fave store (rikumo) and got us to start doing Japanese workshops, booked us a trip to Japan for 2023, and help me through a lot of mental struggles. He’s been the one constant, amazing part of my year and I can’t wait for 2023′s memories to be made.

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soundof-rain · 1 year

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Hello Again

Hello, I know it’s been a very veryyy long time since i’ve been here & it may be a long time again after this post but i’m here now so that’s what matters. Today is 11/22/2022 and there is so much that has happened over the past year that one couldn’t even imagine ; I moved away from my toxic family for good and settled in seattle - a HUGE leap of faith on my end but when a plan is conspired with everyones interest in mind but yours you have to make do and just DO something. So I did. I landed here a year ago with whatever money I had left from unemployment and my belongings and made due, I didn’t know the area, I didn’t know the people I didn’t know where to start but again I did something because I had to and it turned out to be the best I could do in that circumstance. I lived in a hostel for a few months -The Green Tortoise- until I found my footing and could afford an apartment, I started working literally my first full week here as a concierge and the ball began rolling from there. I used to work long shifts to start out pulling multiple 12 and 16 hour shifts a week and even though I was tired I had money to make so I could stop shacking up with randoms every night.

I was stressed depressed and losing my mind in every sense of the meaning honestly but in true me fashion I just kept on going. I remember one night in the hostel I was in a room with all men , one of which on the bunkbeds directly across from me was snoring like he slept on the plushest cloud in the sky, so his bottom bunk mate began kicking his bunk from below to get him to quiet down-This did not turn out so well. The cloud sleeper (or top bunk occupant) woke up and they exchanged words the first time then it happened again and when he climbed down that narrow ladder all hell broke loose. Top bunk occupant began threatening bottom bunk and getting dressed “welcoming” him to get up and fight him and although that was anything but what bottom occupant wanted a fight broke anyway. A partially naked one at that. I forget what led to the men getting physical but all i know is one second their arguing and the next a naked man is slammed on my bunk - talk about crazy. There were also good times in the hostel as well that I won’t get into because that not what this is about lol. Finding living definitely was hard having to move my bags constantly , I remember an uber driver threw all my belongings in the middle of the street in china town in the rain and pulled off lol, wasn’t funny then and it still isn’t now but I just couldn’t believe that happened. The lack of decency some people have is outrageous. Anyway I finally found an apartment around December and jumped through some hoops to get the apartment due to me not having credit but I still managed to get through and set my move in date, which left me standing outside in the freezing cold for about an hour and a half because they were notoriously slow and my keys weren’t in the combination lock where and WHEN it was supposed to be, l o l. A lot of little happenings like this took place I also had A LOT of break downs , like A LOT but being a fresh 21 year old (I turned 21 in seattle) who doesn’t have any friends nor family and no idea wtf is going on with your life you’re bound to freak the fuck out. Fast forward the entire year of 22′ and a handful of jobs later , I sit here in my apartment writing this for you all, who’s you all? Not sure but whoever decides to read this I hope you’re thoroughly entertained by my mess.

This post was honestly supposed to be about how i’m feeling right now in regards to the holidays and/or lack thereof for me. My birthday was 2 days ago and I turned 22 ! WHOOO HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME !! However that was spent in my apartment alone with a grocery store cake and some takeout , I received literally 5 happy birthdays , one of which was sung to me so I really whole heartedly appreciate that to my core, I sung happy birthday to myself and blew out the candles by myself and enjoyed the rest of the day watching movies. Nothing spectacular nor special but it was an intimate little moment for me and the fact that I was able to still find happiness despite being sorely alone means a lot to me, it was never about how many people cared enough to remember , I honestly expected 3 tops. But, now as the last few holidays of the year are approaching , the most family oriented ones, I’m stuck wondering when it’ll be my turn to experience it . For me right now there is nothing special about holidays its just another day, birthday included, and I spend them working or in my apartment under the covers for the day and that really fucking sucks if I say so myself , and I do say so myself. Still don’t have any friends, no family either and it just makes me wonder if I’ll ever get that Holiday Spirit vibe in my life ever again yknow. When you’re in certain situations it can make it hard to see alternative ways of being or happenings for yourself so you kind of just have to have faith. It’s like what are the chances I’ll be alone forever and never have holiday joy or even people that like me and enjoy me enough to spend holidays with me , there’s definitely a chance but how high is it exactly? I’m not a bad person and I’ve done more than enough healing this year that I know it’s not happening to me it’s happening for me so that really changed my outlook on a lot of situations to the point where there’s not sorrow or pity it’s just being like okay yes i’m alone but this is what it is for RIGHT NOW! It won’t be like this forever, do I know when it’ll change ? Nope but all I can do for myself is not dwell on it and hope for the best.

#holidaylonesome #holiday #birthday #writing #update #blog #thinking #ughkgdkbnkdfbgn

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erodasfishtacos · 3 years

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request for ceoverse! pls make where the wifey visits him at work ((wherein the employees still dont know how she looks like)) and his secretary kinda looks down at her like “who r u, do u even have an appointment lol” ... i want angry ceo!harry and shook employees PLEASE +++ hes all soft w her in front of them and they are all like HUH 🤨

TEMP OPENING (mini blurb)

Reminder: Harry is not nice! He’s an asshole to everyone but his wife and baby.

Y/N was a bit frazzled. She was suppose to drop off important documents, that her husband had forgotten at home, to Harry’s office an hour and a half ago.

Ivy decided that it’d be best to throw a temper tantrum because she didn’t want to stop playing with her toy kitchen set.

After a half hour of wriggly, angry toddler chaos - Ivy was strapped into her car seat with a furious expression.

Especially because YN didn’t let her bring a toy along because of her behavior. It was her attempting to kick the back of the leather seat until YN firmly asked her to stop.

When she wouldn’t, YN pulled out her last resort card. She didn’t use it much because she didn’t want it to lose luster.

“Did I need to tell Daddy how you’re treating mummy?” YN looks in the rearview mirror at her red-faced daughter.

Ivy looked comical. She’d refused to let her mother comb her wild curls or change her white shirt that was covered in berry stains.

“No!” She shrieks but stops kicking and huffs as she looks out the window to the passing scenery.

The temper of her father, YN swears.

She manages to scurry through the building without many glances. A few people know who she is but not any of the lower level employees.

They don’t recognize Ivy either because she is rarely in the building and if she happens to be they keep her on the secluded top floor where his office is.

YN is rushing, feeing awful about not getting the papers to him sooner. She doesn’t look much better than her baby.

Hair is a messy bun atop her head, a ripped up vintage shirt, and grey biker shorts that have similar berry stains to her daughters.

She is basically dragging her toddler along as she isn’t very willing to use her feet at this very moment. Stopping and staring at everything then grumbling when her mum pulls her away.

Finally she arrives at the office that houses his secretary before the massive doors that lead into his office.

When she pushes through, there are two men sitting on the sofa with briefcases in their laps - obviously waiting for a meeting.

The women behind the desk isn’t the usual grey haired grandmother-like women that she and Ivy love.

Harry’s normal secretary was on a week vacation and there was a younger, raven-haired girl sitting in her usual position.

She looks YN up and down with judgemental eyes before she smirks and says, “Mr. Styles isn’t hiring for the cleaning crew right now.”

It takes moment of confusion to realize that the girl is implying that how she looks - unprofessional and a hot mess means she’s less than.

Even though any job is a good job.

YN is about to comment on how rude the comment is but Ivy bolts to the side of the office to view a large very much alive plant.

She reaches up to curiously pick at the leaves in her child-like wonder but ends up pulling the whole thing over, soil spilling all over the plush white carpeting.

It startled Ivy into tears, rushing back to her mum and begging to be picked up. YN can feel the men and the secretary’s eyes on them.

“Mummy, it’s scary,” Her daughter whines, sniffling and burying her face into her mum’s neck. Hiding.

“You’re okay, it’s fine,” YN soothes, rubbing her back comfortingly.

“It’s really not okay because now I have to clean that up. Maybe you should get that little brat under control.”

It’s perfect timing when Harry’s door opens and he hears the girl call his daughter a brat.

His perfect little baby.

All eyes go to Harry, he demands attention anywhere he goes but this is his territory. He’s fucking furious.

“Hayley, why are you talking to your boss that way?” Harry asks in a calm, taunting tone. He casually rests against the doorframe.

Hayley looks at him confused, “What do you mean? I was just telling this women that her daughter is out of control.”

“First off, that women is your boss just as much as me. Seeing as she has 50% ownership of the company,” He replies cooly, pursing his lips in irritation.

“Second off, I’m not going to tolerate you insulting our daughter. She’s a fuckin’ baby, she’s going to do things kids do,” Harry motions to the plant lying lifelessly on the ground.

YN shoots his a look, no cursing in front of Ivy, and he automatically sends her an apologetic look. Their daughter has popped up and is dimpling at her father.

“Daddy! Missed you!” Ivy chirps happily.

The two men are wide-eyes and quiet, they look at each other once - communicating silently.

“Anything else I need to address, pet?” Harry asks his wife, accepting Ivy when she makes grabby hands at her father.

Harry smiles down at his child, “Hi Vee. Y’missed Daddy? I missed you, my little lovie.”

YN usually would let it alone and not be catty - truly.

Insult her all they want but they do not talk about their daughter like that.

“She said that they’re not hiring janitorial staff. I guess my appearance gave off that kind of signal,” YN smirks, even though the rock on her finger should have given it away.

“Hmm, isn’t that interesting?” Harry hums, mocking that he’s thinking hard.

It’s amazing how he can still be intimidating with a little clone of himself in his arms - who’s currently wrapping her fingers in his cross necklace.

“Wha-what?” The confused, nervous girl answers as she realizes the pit she dug herself into.

“It’s interesting because we may not have a janitorial position available but we have a new opening for a temp secretary,” Harry smiles widely with no empathy for the girl.

Then he’s turning to the other men, “D’you two have anything t’say? I’m always willin’ to open your positions too.”

They shake their heads in unison and don’t open their mouths at all. They actually look at their feet.

“You’re a fucking asshole,” Hayley spits at him, standing up and throwing her purse over her shoulder.

“You better hurry. The unemployment office closes at two,” Her husband tells the girl before ignoring her mutters to kiss his daughter’s cheek.

YN steps over, murmuring “She has been a brat all day but she’s our brat.”

“Eh, her mummy is a brat half the time too,” Harry replies, lowly so the men can’t hear.

He can’t help but reach his hand around and squeeze quickly at her bum.

“H,” YN squeaks, smacking him playfully, “Here’s those papers. I’m sorry I’m so late.”

“Never be sorry, s’okay. These guys have been sitting there for the last two hours waitin’ on them to start the meeting. They’re fine.”

YN flushes, avoiding the men’s gazes, and hands them to her husband, “You really are an awful boss.”

“I know, s’fun,” Harry smiles, pressing a kiss to her lips before kissing Ivy’s nose to hear her giggle.

After meeting, the men will discuss - one: how hot his wife is and two: how Harry was whipped for her and his baby.

Enjoy 😊

#harry styles #ceo!harry #harry styles writing #harry styles masterlist #harry styles fic rec #harry styles x reader #harry styles x you #harry styles x y/n #harry styles fluff #harry styles smut #ceoverse #ceo!harry blurbs #ceo!harry masterlist #writing request #dad!verse #dad harry #harry styles husband #husband harry

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spaceorphan18 · 2 years

Text

In The City That We Love 1/25

Summary: Set in year leading up to the time jump in Dreams Come True. Kurt and Blaine have been married for five years, still living in New York City, still trying to navigate life. As their friends become settled around them, Kurt and Blaine figure out who they are, and who they are as a couple, as they settle into being a full adult. A story of marriage as it grows up and settles down for good.

A/N: Hey guys - this was started back in 2019, and based on the Final Season sketch I wrote detailing what the "final season" of Glee would be like - taking the characters up to the points we see them at the end of Dreams Come True. Each chapter is meant to be stand alone/episodic - like an episode of a tv season - but there is an overarching story to the narrative as a whole.

Thanks @snarkyhag for beta'ing - though I'm sure it's been so long she doesn't even remember, lol <3

No - I did not forget about my other WIPs, but since I wrote nothing over my vacation, I thought I'd send this finally out into the world - the last of my big WIP ideas.

******

Episode 1: The Camping Trip

It’s Thursday night and they’re making out on the couch. Kurt’s on his back, head propped on a pillow. Blaine hovers slightly over him as they trade slow and deep kisses. There’s no rush, no frantic rubbing of bodies, no hustle to shimmy clothes off. In fact, they’re barely touching except where their mouths are connected. They have the time, finally, to enjoy each other. To really let it play out.

He thinks he remembers the last time they had sex - probably a few weeks ago? Maybe a month? When they started their run on Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf Kurt made it a point to schedule in time for a quickie or two during the week. Their work schedule didn’t really allow for anything more. Besides, fast and efficient fucking is the best stress relief. By the end of the run, however, they had been both so exhausted that neither really wanted to have sex. They barely had the energy to have a full conversation, let alone do anything that required more than falling into their bed every night.

But even so, sex had maintained a staple of their marriage. Making out, however? Kurt can’t remember the last time he and Blaine just made out.

It’s funny, their friend circle would claim the making out is a common occurrence; everyone always bringing up the one time they were too busy making out in a car to attend a wedding. Well, that had been a good five, no six, years ago now -- way past the days when stealing kisses had been the most thrilling thing they could do. Still, their unhurried make out reminds Kurt of being back in high school when it had been more about the journey and less about the destination. He wants to just sink into the couch and enjoy Blaine, enjoy all of the Blaine. Dammit, it’s been long enough. He's going to.

He can tell Blaine’s getting a little tired of holding himself up. They break for a moment, Kurt spreading his legs so Blaine can settle between them, gently putting his weight on top of Kurt. The lazy kisses resume, now with a slow rocking of the hips. He can feel Blaine growing hard in his jeans, Kurt’s own arousal slowly building. He’s not chasing it, however. He lets it linger, enjoys the warmth and familiarity of Blaine on top of him.

Kurt is intent on enjoying himself tonight because, god knows, they’re going to have to start job hunting tomorrow. Usually they’re better than this, having another job lined up when a run ends. But the play had taken everything out of them, even testing their marriage. And now they have to face the reality of unemployment. Kurt should really check his email before they actually get to bed to see if…

As if sensing his mind wandering, Blaine begins sucking kisses along his jaw and neck, pulling Kurt back into the present. Kurt lets out a little groan and rolls his head back giving Blaine better access. And yes, yes… he really needs to concentrate more on his Blaine, his love, his husband, who knows all the places that make him melt. Kurt takes a moment and breathes him in.

Blaine smells differently, and Kurt can’t figure out why... Did he get a new body wash? Pick up a different scented laundry detergent? Have they really been so out of sync lately that maybe he can’t remember what Blaine smells like? Blaine starts kissing back up to Kurt’s lips. The kisses are more heated now as Blaine dips his tongue into Kurt’s mouth. The sense of smell is no longer on Kurt’s mind.

“What do you want tonight?” Blaine asks. One of Blaine’s hands travels between them, finds Kurt’s aching dick, and cups it. A grin slides along Blaine’s face as he begins to stroke through the denim.

Kurt’s eyes flutter shut, barely able to reply. It feels so good. “Fuck me.”

“Maybe,” Blaine starts, as he goes to unzip Kurt’s pants. “You should fuck my mouth first.”

Yes, that. Let’s do that. But Kurt’s reply comes out an ungraceful squeak.

Blaine’s hand is around him, steady and slow, teasingly slow. Kurt’s brain short circuits just a little, and maybe tonight will be a little bit like high school - where he comes in his pants before they ever really get started.

Doesn’t matter. Kurt feels horny enough now that he probably has a few rounds in him. He pulls Blaine in for a searing kiss as he rocks his hips in time with Blaine’s hand and then…

There is a sudden and obtrusive knock at the door. They both freeze, as a burst of anger tears through Kurt.

“Maybe it’s a solicitor,” Blaine offers weakly as he sits up.

“At ten at night? Doubtful,” Kurt’s eyebrow is raised. The rapping on the door continues. He knows that knock. He resents that knock and stares at the door, hard, hoping that the person on the other side can receive his telegraphic message to leave. Now.

Of course, Kurt knows better.

“Kurt! Blaine! I know you’re in there,” the shrill voice comes through the door. Blaine starts to speak, but then Kurt pushes into his hand, grabbing his attention back. His night will not be ruined. “I saw the light on when I came in. Let me in!”

“Rachel, my dick is out, go away,” Kurt snaps. He doesn’t care that the apartment walls are thin and his neighbors can hear the argument. It wouldn’t be the first time.

“Don’t act like I’ve never seen that before,” she cries back. “This is an emergency. I’ll use my key if I have to.”

Blaine shifts to move off the couch. Kurt shoots him a glare - if they let her in, the night is over. Blaine looks helplessly at him as the knocking intensifies. Fine. Fine, fine, fine. He begrudgingly puts himself back in his pants as Blaine goes for the door. Fine.

Rachel pounds again, as Blaine opens the door, cutting her off mid-knock. She nearly tumbles through the doorway, almost surprised that they actually let her in.

“Did someone die?” Kurt asks, a bit of acid on his tongue. Blaine shoots him a look, asking to at least try to be more sympathetic. Rachel is, after all, distraught as she flounces into the recliner next to the couch.

“No,” she bites back. “Just my career. My career is dead.”

Kurt lets out an audible groan. Of all the things to be upset about…

Blaine sits on the arm of the chair, rubbing her shoulders sympathetically. “I’m sure it’s not actually dead…”

“I haven’t heard back from this audition,” she cries. “Which is, you know, fine. It’s not like anyone else is calling me back either. I acted my heart out for this one, I researched everything on Jane Austen, and I know her as if I was her. I felt her with every fiber of my being.”

Kurt puts his head on his hand and glances over at the clock, then back to Blaine as if to silently say - she’s going to do this all night, you know.

Blaine shrugs helplessly. “It’s one audition,” he says, stroking her hair. “There will be others.”

“Oh yes, there are hundreds of auditions out there,” Rachel jumps to her feet and begins to pace the room. “I have been to all of them. Literally, I have been to one-hundred and twelve auditions in the past six months and none of them - NONE of them have cast me. I am unhirable. My career is over. It’s dead. And now I’ll just become a housewife - wasting away as my husband takes all the glory. And that statue, that mistress of his that just stares at me from the mantle. It knows what a failure I am. It knows…”

“Okay, Rachel,” Blaine says, even he can admit when Rachel’s being too much. “I think you’re being a little hard on yourself.”

Kurt wants to throw her out. His night had been going splendidly until it had a head-on collision with Rachel Berry’s emotions. He could. Easily. Just send her home, back to her nice, little brownstone in Manhattan, with her cushy back-up plan of her husband and her dads, and her off-Broadway potential, and let her wallow in her own self-pity. She’ll call Mercedes, and can be Mercedes’s problem for a while.

But he doesn’t.

Because he, of all people, knows that rejection isn’t easy. Especially for someone like Rachel who feels the world owes her something. It’s not like he has people lining up at the door, waiting to sign him for a role. It’s not like he’d have had that role in Virginia Woolf if they hadn’t wanted Blaine to do it in the first place. It’s not like being cast in a show has ever been easy for him.

God dammit, why does a Rachel Berry pity party have to spread so easily?

Rachel falls back into Blaine’s arms. He holds her tightly and rubs her back.

“You need to relax,” Blaine says. “If they haven’t called you back, then they haven’t made a decision. You just… need a distraction, something to make you not think about it for a while.”

Rachel’s eyes bulge a little. “Yes! I need a relaxing distraction.” She grabs onto Blaine’s arms suddenly. “Camping. We should go camping.”

Blaine throws Kurt a look over Rachel’s shoulder. Kurt only rolls his eyes. “Have you ever even been camping, Rach?”

“My dads took me camping when I was twelve,” she says. “Besides, Jesse has this cute little cabin upstate that we’ve never used. His mom gave it to him a few years ago because she got it in the divorce, and she doesn’t really use it - but his dad would go up there and drink all day and this one time he nearly started a fire and..”

“Anyway…” Kurt cuts her off.

“But just think of it,” she continues. “This weekend, all of us - the whole gang. This past year has been so crazy, and the summer’s almost over, and think of us all sitting around the campfire out on the lake, cuddling with each other, eating those marshmallow cracker things. You know with the chocolate.”

“S’mores,” Kurt and Blaine say in unison. Only Rachel Berry wouldn’t know what s’mores are called.

She claps her hands together. “Yes, this is great - this is going to be great. I should call everyone!”

“Um, Rach…” Kurt slides off the couch, hoping maybe he can throw her out the door. “Maybe we can figure out this for another time? Blaine and I were hoping to use this weekend to, you know, reconnect.” Blaine nods his head frantically in agreement.

“What, no,” Rachel pouts. “I don’t have time - I have so many auditions to go to, and I know they’ll call me Monday morning - I need a distraction. Besides you guys can reconnect upstate in nature. Oh! We can all reconnect with nature!”

“No.”

“Please?” She bats her eyes at him. It’s not like it usually works, but she tries anyway. “C’mon, please! It’ll be fun. When’s the last time we did anything fun. Please, please, please!”

“Rachel…” Kurt shoots a look over to Blaine, hoping he’ll help him out.

Blaine, however, is super fascinated with a string on the couch. “Um, I don’t think it’s a bad idea.”

Rachel squeals with delight.

Kurt throws Blaine a sharp look. Traitor.

“This is wonderful, I’m going to call Mercedes right now,” Rachel fishes her phone out of her pocket. “Oh, do you guys mind if I stay here tonight? Jesse’s at a cast party, and probably won’t be back until tomorrow morning, and you know I think that place is haunted.”

“For the last time, Jesse’s Tony is not alive!” Kurt snaps, throwing his hands in the air.

Rachel points her phone at him intently. “You don’t know that - it doesn’t watch you.”

Kurt rolls his eyes at her.

“So, I’ll just use your bed, and you guys can continue to use the couch however you were using it. That’s fine.” Rachel says, scrolling through her phone as she heads to the bedroom. “If you guys want to make me some tea in the morning that’d be great,” she adds as she slams the door behind her.

Kurt clenches his jaw, wondering why he ever let that woman into his life.

Blaine’s still playing with the string. “So, uh, do you still wanna…”

“No.”

“Okay.”

***

Apparently, everyone in their friend group thought camping would be a great idea. Everyone except Kurt, because god knows he’d rather be back in his comfortable apartment, sleeping in an actual bed, and not on the ground, actually trying to do something about the fact that his life currently doesn’t have a direction, but no - they have to follow Rachel’s whim instead.

They’ve been stuck in the car for about five hours now. Jesse is driving with Rachel on the passenger side. They’re going over some vocal techniques, and the past twenty minutes have been Rachel doing strange squawking sounds. Kurt is sitting on the left side of the backseat, Tina next to him, and Mercedes on the other end. They’re chatting a little bit, but he can’t hear them very well over Rachel’s noises and the incredibly loud Best of Barbra Streisand playing through the speakers. He wouldn’t mind the CD so much if they hadn’t played it on a loop a half dozen times already.

He is squished, and uncomfortable, and the small pillow he brought to lean against made his head too warm. He tries shifting around, but Jesse’s seat is nearly pushed all the way back, and there is just no way he’s going to get in a good position. There hadn’t been enough room in the car to bring any kind of bags, so he’s stuck with only his phone to keep him company. He tries to check his email again, but they’re steadily going farther out of range from any place with decent wifi. He contemplates trying another game of solitaire when a text bubble pops up.

Blaine: Artie’s writing a screenplay!!!

Blaine, thank god. It makes Kurt smile. He and Blaine, by default, ended up separated. Since Jesse rented the cars, he and Rachel had first choice. And of course, Santana claimed driving the second car or she wasn’t going. Artie and Sam insisted they ride together to play some kind of video game, while Tina begged Mercedes to ride with her so they could gossip, leaving him and Blaine to settle for being apart.

Kurt: When isn’t he?

Blaine: This one’s hilarious - it’s greek myth.

Blaine: he’s basically writing greek myth fanfic

Blaine: Artie says he’s going to use this weekend to write. Sam thinks he’s going to end up like jack nicholson in the shining.

Kurt: Should we be concerned? Artie would do that.

Blaine: here’s artie ::knife:: ::knife:: ::knife::

Kurt lets out a little laugh.

“Oh my god, are you sexting with Blaine?” Tina whips her head around to notice him.

His mood immediately sours. “Yes, Tina - I’m sexting Blaine. I’m bored enough that I thought I’d just jerk off and see if anyone would notice.”

“Oh, don’t give me that attitude, Kurt Hummel,” she snaps. “I was in the backseat next to you on the way to Mr. Schue’s wedding and you and Blaine made out the whole time and it was super gross.”

She makes a grab for his phone, but he swings it away from her.

“Tina, we were in college, god,” he says. “No, I’m not sexting Blaine.”

“Ug, gross, you totally are,” she rolls her eyes at him, then turns so that her back is to him and begins to whisper over to Mercedes.

He’d really like to bite at her that maybe she should worry less about his sex life and more about her lack of one, but decides not to. Can they just get to the campsite already?

Kurt: Tina thinks we’re sexting.

Blaine: yeah she wishes

Blaine: ::devil:: ::eggplant:: ::eggplant:: ::eggplant:: ::donut:: ::wink:: ::wink::

Kurt: omg, I love you

The three little gray bubbles dance on Kurt’s screen for a few moments… Hey, maybe they are going to do this, but Kurt can’t help but have a twinge of disappointment when he sees Blaine’s reply.

Blaine: Sam wants to take me on in Smash. We’ll talk in a few hours. Tell Tina to get her nose out of our sex life.

Blaine: ::eggplant:: ::heart:: ::kissyface::

And then Blaine is gone. Is it weird to miss your husband? Your husband whom you do see extensively every day. It’s not like he’s not there. Kurt starts to scroll up through their previous conversations - which is a collection of short inquiries and yes or no replies, the daily upkeep of ‘can you pick up milk?’ and ‘remember to call the dentist to set up an appointment.’ When did they get so boring?

Kurt pushes his pillow up against the window and rests his head on it, closing his eyes. He ignores the crick in his back, and thinks of Blaine, and if Blaine were beside him. They could cuddle up, and Kurt could get snug in his arms and fall asleep easily. He concentrates hard on that thought as the car rumbles on down the endless highway.

***

It’s late when they arrive, and though the sun is still up, everyone is too exhausted to do much. The cabin is much tinier than expected, set up like a studio; only one queen-sized bed, a sofa, and a hard wooden floor for possible sleeping places. Sam and Jesse both brought tents, but only Sam sets his up, and only Mercedes can fit in there with him.

The ground is still damp from a morning rain, so the campfire is out of the question. A few of them travel into town to bring back pizza for dinner, which ends up being the highlight of the evening. Afterward, Santana takes a phone call and spends half the evening yelling at her client. Sam and Jesse attempt to set up the second tent, but it proves to be too difficult, and they decide to try again tomorrow. And Artie settles into a corner to write his script. The girls, at least, are having fun playing video games with Blaine while Brittany recounts every ghost story she’s ever heard. Kurt finds himself in a moldy, stiff recliner and tries to read, finding it hard to concentrate with all the commotion going on.

Eventually, Sam and Mercedes head out to their tent, everyone having piqued interest as they flirt with each other on their way out. Are they even back together? Kurt has no idea, but the gossip is curbed as they all get ready for bed.

Rachel and Jesse have claimed the bed, since it is Jesse’s cabin, while Brittany and Santana claimed the rug by the fireplace. Artie lets Tina have the sofa while he sleeps on the floor next to her. Leaving the small space near the bathroom for Kurt and Blaine.

“The internet sucks here,” Kurt says, scrolling through his phone, as he tries to find a comfortable position in his sleeping bag.. The floor is hard and unforgiving, and somewhere someone is already snoring. He can already tell it’s going to be a long night.

“The point is not to have internet here,” Blaine says, just having gotten back from the bathroom. He settles in and rolls on his side to face Kurt, plucking the phone away, and tossing it gently on their bags. Blaine’s sleepy, but cuddles up to Kurt, even with the lining of the sleeping bags between them. “Relax, Kurt, we’re taking a vacation.”

“Unemployment isn’t a vacation,” Kurt says. If he stretches, he could get his phone back, but the effort doesn’t seem worth it.

“I thought we weren’t going to talk about that,” Blaine says into his shoulder.

“You said that.”

“Kurt…” Blaine’s tone is playful, and he gives a few gentle kisses to the back of Kurt’s neck. “Tomorrow, let’s not think of the future, just enjoy our time together. Maybe we can stay back and get that other tent up, then we can cozy up, enjoy the stars…”

Kurt cranes his neck back so he can give Blaine a kiss. Blaine immediately deepens it, sliding his tongue against Kurt’s.

“You’re really good at that,” Kurt says breathlessly.

“I try.”

Kurt goes to kiss Blaine again when someone clears their throat. It’s Artie on the way to the bathroom. “You guys keep it up, I’ll film you and sell it as porn,” he says waving his phone in the air. He lets out a laugh as he rolls into the bathroom.

Kurt lets out an annoyed grunt as he turns in Blaine’s arms to face him. “This place is too cramped.”

“This place reminds me of the loft,” Blaine says, looking around.

Kurt scrunches his nose. “The loft was far cleaner.”

Blaine gives a shrug. “It’s kind of nice,” he gives Kurt a quick peck. “And romantic.” Another peck. “And has some charm.” And another long kiss, engaging enough that Kurt seriously contemplates just doing it right there with all their friends watching. Let Artie film it for porn - it’d be worth something. Blaine is right there with him. “Remember that time we did it when Rachel’s dads visited?” he wiggles his eyebrows.

“What, gross!” Rachel says from the bed. She’s only a foot away, but apparently can hear everything they're saying, and throws her hair tie at them. “I can’t believe you did it in front of my dads.”

“Wanky!” Santana calls out from the other side of the cabin.

“No, no, no, no,” Tina calls out. “No one is having sex tonight. Because ew. Go to bed, all of you, I need my sleep.”

“See -- just like the loft,” Blaine says with a laugh.

“And may I remind you, we also broke up in that loft,” Kurt says. “Remember that?”

“Fine.”

He doesn’t mean for the memory to be a mood killer, he’s not even sure what had prompted him to bring it up, but Blaine just sighs heavily and rolls over to face the wall instead of Kurt. He should say he’s sorry, but he doesn’t, and instead just wraps an arm around Blaine, cuddles close, and after a lot of time thinking about how far away Blaine still feels, long after Blaine’s breathing slows, Kurt manages to fall asleep.

***

Kurt is having a nice dream - something calm and bright and possibly related to an exciting new trend in men’s fashion but there are noises around him, pulling him away from dreamland. Reality seems to crash fast, and suddenly he’s aware that every part of his body aches. The wooden floor hadn’t been kind during the night, and now just rolling from his side to his back makes everything cramp up. God, he’s not even thirty yet. The floor creaks beside him, so he opens one eye to find Blaine, fully dressed, leaning over him with a grin.

“Morning, sleeping beauty,” Blaine gently kisses his temple.

Kurt groans, half-heartedly swatting him away. Unlike yesterday, the sun is bright and blinding through the window, causing Kurt to cover his eyes with his arm. “I don’t know how you can get up so early and be chipper all the time.”

“Kurt, it's a quarter to twelve.”

“What?” Kurt bolts upright. “And you didn’t wake me?”

Blaine shrugs. “You seemed like you needed the sleep. But - I did make you lunch. And I used the morning to pitch the second tent. Well, Sam helped me after I got myself thoroughly tangled in it. I thought maybe we could use that tent tonight.” Blaine gives him a wink.

Kurt grimaces. Like sleeping on the ground will be any better than the wooden floor. Still, Kurt rises with the help of Blaine.

By the time Kurt gets around and has lunch, the rest of the group is in an argument about the activity for the day. Canoeing? Rafting? Staying in-doors and playing board games? Blaine is enthusiastic about all of the ideas. Kurt doesn’t care - he’d rather not be there at all. Eventually, as some sort of compromise, they settle on hiking the nearby trail. Kurt grumbles at the decision, but it’s either go with them, or stay back and do nothing while Artie works on his screenplay. At least he’ll have Blaine around.

The trail ends up not being so bad. It’s an easy path, relatively flat for beginners. The air is warm, but not overly stifling. Everyone is mostly paired up, except for Tina, who complains that she’s the only one there without a partner, so Sam and Mercedes keep her in between them. Rachel and Santana set a fast pace, each of them leading the pack, as if they were all in some sort of strange race. Meanwhile Brittany zig zags around, talking to the trees and leaves and birds as if she were a Disney Princess and they were her friends.

Kurt drags behind, hands digging into the pockets of his jeans as they walk. He mildly listens to Jesse and Blaine, who are a step ahead of him, having a conversation about some reality TV show hiring drag queens for an episode. Blaine is animated as he talks, bouncing around the trail, as he does impersonations. Jesse howls with laughter, and it's endearing enough that even Kurt can’t help but smile.

They make it a mile down the trail, enough so that Kurt’s hardened edge from the previous day has worn down a little, when the sky begins to cloud over. Rachel insists that rain is afoot, and promptly turns them around to head back. Kurt doesn’t think it’s all that threatening out, but Rachel can’t go a couple of hours without checking her phone, which she left at the cabin, so of course time outside will be cut short.

As they start their return, Blaine falls back, silently going for Kurt’s hand to clasp. Kurt smiles, feeling lighter at his husband’s touch. He squeezes Blaine’s hand, bringing him a little closer as they walk.

Everyone has shuffled around, though Kurt and Blaine remain bringing up the rear. Sam and Mercedes are ahead of them, heads close. Sam whispers something into her ear, which causes Mercedes to full on stop and throw her head back with a bark.

“I’m pretty sure they’re dating again,” Blaine says quietly.

It’s unmistakable really, the way they’re flirting, and gazing into each other’s eyes. “She and Tina, I think, were talking about it in the car on the way over. I couldn’t tell.”

They walk another beat in silence, Sam has Mercedes now crying in a fit of hysterics.

“Do you ever miss that stage?” Kurt asks. “That I’m-crazy-about-you stage?”

“Are you saying you’re no longer crazy about me?”

It’s clearly a joke but Kurt frowns. “You know what I mean.”

Blaine gives an easy shrug. “Not really. I mean, are we settled? Sure. But I like the security in that. Do you miss it?”

There is a tiny bit of concern in Blaine’s eyes, but he really has nothing to worry about. The short answer is no, Kurt Hummel has made his final decision and that’s all there is to that. The long answer is that with all the passion that came from their early time together came the rocky uncertainty as to whether or not they’d actually make it. There were times when Kurt thought that first loves were hard and fast and that’s it. And for most people they are he supposes. But not for he and Blaine.

“I like what we have now,” Kurt says, looking down at their linked hands. “I guess I… just miss it.”

“Mmmm, yeah,” Blaine licks his lips, then suddenly sweeps Kurt into his arms, giving him a passionate kiss.

Kurt’s startled for only a moment before he begins to kiss back. “Blaine!” he gasps. “What are we doing?”

“I think we should take full advantage of the situation,” Blaine replies, as he kisses down to suck on Kurt’s neck. “Why not take advantage of the situation and be a little spontaneous.”

“We’re outside, Blaine,” Kurt argues, though not very strongly.. “You can’t possibly suggest that…”

Blaine pulls away, staring at him with wide, dark eyes. No one else is there - the rest of the group is nearly out of earshot. And Blaine’s grip tightens on him, pulling their bodies together. Kurt wants this so badly, he doesn’t even care anymore. He surges into a kiss with Blaine, wrapping his arms around Blaine’s neck. Blaine pushes Kurt backwards, off the trail and against a tree. There’s a tiny stub digging into Kurt’s back, but he doesn’t care. Blaine’s tongue is in his mouth, doing wonderous things, and Kurt just melts into him.

“I can’t believe we’re doing this here,” Kurt says, with a little giggle. He’s more turned on than he cares to admit, and rocks his hips against Blaine as they kiss, generating heat with a growing need.

“You’re not the only one who’s missed this, you know,” Blaine utters between kisses. He wraps one arm around Kurt to steady them, while his free hand dips to squeeze Kurt’s ass, causing Kurt to let out a tiny moan. “Remember when we tried to do this at that club?”

Kurt lets out a little laugh as he grinds into Blaine. “I’m pretty sure it’s cleaner here than that club.”

Blaine’s fully encouraged now, peppering kisses along Kurt’s jaw, taking a moment to give a little bit at Kurt’s ear. “There’s something I didn’t get to do at that club.”

“What’s that?”

“Suck you off,” he says in a growly whisper.

“Oh god.”

That does it. Just the mere thought of Blaine’s mouth on him has him fully hard now. Any misgivings about being outside, being caught by anyone walking by, are completely gone. It’s just he and Blaine - the world is nothing but them, and the promise of an orgasm he desperately needs.

Blaine drops to his knees with a thud and an unexpected crack. Before Blaine can get his hands (or mouth) anywhere near Kurt’s dick, he’s crying out in pain.

It takes a moment for Kurt to register what happened. He’s still in a slight daze, his dick’s still throbbing, but Blaine’s on the ground, rolling around holding his knee. “Honey, are you okay?”

“I hit a rock,” Blaine grunts out. He goes to stand, but his leg gives out. Kurt hurries to him to help him up, but Blaine pushes at him. “I’m fine, really, we can still do this. I can.”

Their spontaneous moment, however, had been fleeting. There’s a large centipede crawling near Blaine’s leg, and a fly lands on his shoulder. A squirrel watches them from across the trail. And Kurt begins to notice the leaves on the vine near them might be poison ivy. This is not a good idea, his rational mind catching up to him, now that his dick has calmed down. This is so not a good idea.

“I don’t think we should,” Kurt says, managing to help Blaine to his feet.

A second later, Sam finds them, a branch in hand as if to attack. “Oh god, are you guys okay? We heard a scream -- and I thought maybe it was that serial killer from Brittany’s story last night.” The rest of the crew is close on Sam’s heels.

Kurt rolls his eyes as they approach. “We’re okay, Sam.”

“I just… tripped,” Blaine says, walking onto the trail with a slight limp.

“Tripped my ass,” Santana cackles, looking them over. “They were trying to get in a quick fuck while we weren’t looking.”

“Crude!” Tina shouts in disgust.

Santana howls in laughter. “Judging by the dour look on Queen Hummel’s face, the only thing that got shoved up his ass was probably a stick.”

“Hey,” Blaine scolds.

But it’s too late. Kurt breaks. All of the anger that had been pent up for the past few days spews forward, Kurt hardly able to contain his shout. “Why don’t you go fuck yourself, Santana.”

“Fine, can I borrow your stick?” Santana bites back.

Brittany lets out a gasp. Rachel squeals excitedly.

“Hey, stop,” Mercedes cuts in before it can escalate further. “Blaine, are you okay?”

Blaine nods. “I’ll be fine, just maybe need a little ice on my knee.” He shoots a look at Kurt then to the ground.

“Sam, make sure he gets back alright,” Kurt mutters as he pushes past them. He starts the walk back home by himself. He doesn’t wait for anyone. And no one catches up to him.

***

Hours later, Kurt lay in the second tent that Blaine and Sam had erected that morning, looking up at the sky through the clear, plastic roof of the tent. Evening had melted away into night, the quarter-moon shining, with the stars sparkling around it. Living in the city for so long now, he doesn’t get to see the stars anymore, and as he lay there, one arm tucked behind his head, he wondered why he never paid them much attention when he lived in Ohio.

It’s quiet outside, peaceful almost with the calm sounds of nature surrounding him. The temperature is nice. He’s rather comfortable, really. Everything is perfect. This trip should have been, if nothing else, a perfect escape. Then why doesn’t anything feel right?

He had kept his distance when everyone came back to the cabin - not wanting to disrupt their seemingly good time. The afternoon had brought a light rain, which meant board games and hot cocoa, and a lot of laughter that Kurt should have partook in. Even Artie had paused his writing to join in. Kurt watched from a distance, sometimes attempting to read a magazine, other times just watching as his friends enjoyed themselves, frustrated that he didn’t feel like coming to the table. Mostly, everyone ignored him, except Santana who would throw an occasional eye-roll his way, or Blaine who would check in on him with his standard look of concern.

After dinner, Kurt had gone for a walk around the area on his own. His mind had wandered, from planning out possible job ideas, to going over the events of the past few months again, to replaying the embarrassing moments from earlier in the day. The walking had been a nice attempt to clear his head but he had remained unsettled, and even frustrated. Couldn’t the tension in his chest just relax? Couldn’t he just enjoy himself for once?

“I’m going to sleep out in the tent,” he had told Blaine before he turned in for the night. No one else had seemed like arguing over it, so Kurt had figured he should grab it while it was still open. Would the ground be more comfortable than a wooden floor? He had no idea but at least he’d have his own space to fall asleep in. Blaine had given him an off center kiss, and had watched him carefully as he changed and headed outside.

And here he’s been, for a few hours he’s suspected, looking up at the sky, watching the sun set and the stars come out, feeling the contradictoriness of being glad he’s alone while feeling the heaviness of loneliness. He’s in a mood - he knows himself well enough, but the root of what’s bothering him still feels far away, like a thought he can’t quite grasp.

He’s not sure how much time has passed when the tent’s entryway is unzipped, and Blaine climbs in. He doesn’t watch Blaine on arrival, but he knows Blaine’s movements well enough, to know that it’s him.

He feels reassured almost immediately. Blaine always comes back - a true constant in his unpredictable life.

“Everyone’s getting a bit punchy in there,” Blaine says as a loose excuse. “And I thought it’d be a good time to duck out.”

“How’s your knee?” Kurt asks, not taking his eyes off the sky.

“Fine,” Blaine says quietly, coming down to lay next to Kurt. He snuggles close, as he usually does at the beginning of the night, wrapping an arm around Kurt and shimming in. “I don’t always like it when you’re like this,” he says carefully, not quite a frown on his face. “And I know you need your space sometimes. But that doesn’t mean you have to be alone.”

The tension seems to break, and Kurt lets out a heavy sigh as he turns towards Blaine. He isn’t sure what to say - not sure he has an explanation. “I don’t know why…”

“You don’t have to figure everything out tonight, Kurt,” Blaine assures him. “We can just sleep and figure it out tomorrow.”

Kurt gives a half-smile, and kisses Blaine’s forehead. Thank you, he thinks. And Blaine knows. Blaine knows him well now, better than most anyone. Kurt is grateful for that.

They stare at each other quietly for a little while, until sleep creeps up on Blaine, and his eyes begin to droop. Blaine always did have an easier time falling asleep.

Kurt’s gaze remains fixated on Blaine for a while longer. There’s enough light coming from above that Kurt can still make out Blaine’s features - his gorgeous, long eyelashes, his adorable nose, the ridiculous eyebrows. Blaine’s lips part slightly, a sign that he’s actually fallen asleep, and Kurt smiles to himself. He takes a moment to trace a light finger over Blaine’s cheekbones, chin, and brow, and marvels at how beautiful his husband is.

It’s not like he’s forgotten that fact. But maybe sometimes he takes it for granted. Doesn’t appreciate it enough.

Sometimes Kurt wonders if he appreciates life enough.

Still, for the first time that evening, he’s regained some of that inner peace he’d been missing earlier. Blaine is right - he won’t figure it all out overnight. And then, as if a switch had been flipped, he finally feels tired. Incredibly tired. He snuggles into Blaine and falls asleep thinking about how he doesn’t mind so much sleeping on the ground when Blaine is beside him.

***

The next morning he wakes up alone. Blaine’s sleeping bag has been rolled up nicely, and placed in the corner of the tent, his pillows resting on top, as if he had never used them. Blaine’s always been an early riser, but with the gray clouds looming overhead, it’s difficult to determine what time it is. Kurt leaves the tent, still groggy but it’s better than sleeping the entire day away. Besides, he has to use the bathroom.

The cabin’s empty - and after the bathroom, he realizes that not even Artie’s there. For a moment, Kurt wonders if they’ve left him there and peeks out the window. Two cars are still there, so they couldn’t have gone very far. Instead of investigating more, he decides to enjoy the quietness, inspecting the cupboards for something to make breakfast with. There’s nothing there, except for stale Oat Bran, probably left over by Jesse’s mother. He settles on making coffee, then into the couch with one of his magazines.

For some people the quietness is probably unsettling but for the first time all weekend, Kurt almost feels relaxed by it. The cabin and the outdoors may not have been so bad if he hadn’t been surrounded by nine other people.

The cabin door slams shut and in comes Rachel, startled that he’s there. She’s holding her phone, looking almost bewildered. She didn’t get it. Kurt’s stomach turns as he knows he’s in for whatever emotion is going to be hurled at him. He closes the magazine with a heavy sigh sips his coffee, waiting for her to speak.

She stumbles a few steps in and flops down on the couch beside him.

“Look, there will be other plays,” he starts, knowing this particular monologue by heart. “It’s not the end of your career.”

“I got it,” she says, unexpectedly. “I’m going to be Jane Austen.”

“What?”

“They want me to start tomorrow - oh my god, we probably have to get back tonight! Do you know how much research I have to cram in the next twelve hours?”

He stares at her in awe as she begins rambling on about how Jane Austen is her favorite author (as if she’s ever picked up a novel not written in the last ten years, and didn’t belong on a paperback rack in an airport). His heart sinks. He’s been prepared to lift Rachel up - it’s been his second job since sixteen. How does he somehow feel worse?

“Why are you not happy for me?” she scolds. “You are my first line of adoration, after Jesse of course.”

“Because it was inevitable, Rachel,” he snaps, startling her. “You’re a talented person, and don’t pretend you don’t know that. Someone was bound to hire you for something.”

Her face sours. “You know, you have been in a very bad mood this entire trip. I have noticed, and other people have, too. I don’t understand what your problem is.”

“My problem is that you getting a part was always going to happen. Always,” he doesn’t care that he’s nearly shouting at her. He’s been holding back for days now, and it feels good to let it out. “I, however, am not sure. And instead of thinking about that, I really wanted to have a nice weekend having hot sex with my hot husband, which I now do not get to do.”

Rachel gives an odd look. “What are you talking about - you and Blaine are always doing it. Santana says it’s a sex addiction, but I think it’s healthy in a relationship. Jesse and I make sure once a week to--”

“Maybe we aren’t!” The loudness of his voice echoes on the otherwise empty cabin. “Despite what the rest of you feel, I barely get to touch my husband. And instead of spending a weekend rediscovering that, and ignoring the impending reality that I have no idea what my next job is going to be, you dragged us up here for your pity party. Yes, my attitude has been horrible. I know that. But maybe, sometimes Rachel, not all of us rejuvenate in a crowd of admirers.”

She stares at him blankly for a moment. “Is that true?”

“That you love crowds? Do you not know yourself?”

“No, about you and Blaine.”

He takes a deeper breath, calming down. “Yes, Rachel.” His mind slips, unintentionally, to Blaine’s hands - Blaine’s hands on him, and he feels a deep ache. “I don’t remember the last time we were together.”

“Oh,” she’s much quieter than usual. “You guys have given up a lot for me over the years.”

“Rachel…”

“No, it’s true,” she says, standing - deep in thought. “And I’ve barely paid you back. I mean, I recognize that you’re an integral part of my emotional well being, and if you’re not getting what you need, then the whole system begins to fall apart.”

He almost feels like laughing. Rachel’s emotions always change on an unexpected dime. “Rachel, it’s fine…”

“It’s not,” she says. “I’ve got this part because you didn’t give up on me, even though you clearly have some issues to work out. So, I think it’s time I start giving back. And I have an idea, which may not be much right now, but let’s say it’s a start.”

He raises an eyebrow at her. “What?”

She grins.

***

Rachel’s brilliant idea happens to be a hotel, well a smaller hotel which might be properly called a bed & breakfast with its rustic charm. They’re still in the woods, but at least they have a warm roof over their head and a wide window in their room that looks out on a peaceful lake - the picturesque view of nature without having to be entrenched in it. While the rest of their friends shuffled off back to Manhattan, Kurt and Blaine had a two night stay. There’s a hot tub in the bathroom, an all-you-can-eat buffet in the dining room, and a king-sized bed that he didn’t plan to sleep much on. No interruptions, no phone calls, and no impromptu adventures -- Rachel had promised when she had dropped them off. Just a little bit of time for the two of them to relax. This is what Kurt had needed. His hectic life in the city being put on hold for just a little while.

Kurt is in a fluffy, white bathrobe, curled up on the lounge chair with some tea from room service and a few magazines from the gift shop, waiting for Blaine to be done in the bathroom. He reads another article in the magazine, loosely paying attention to the sounds coming from the shower. He can hear Blaine singing, humming from a pop song that melts into an old Broadway standard, probably unaware that Kurt’s in the other room imagining the water trickling down his naked body. Kurt’s tempted to join him, despite having a lengthy shower earlier to get all the grime from the weekend off his skin. Fortunately, he hears the faucet turn off, and another moment later, Blaine’s out of the bathroom, a towel barely clinging to his hips.

Blaine stops at the full length mirror next to the dresser, then unwraps the towel from around his waist and uses it in an attempt to dry his hair. Kurt can’t help but stare at Blaine’s bare ass, grinning as he sips his tea. He resists the urge to pounce, as Blaine combs his fingers through his hair, trying to control the curls which have started to spring.

“So…” Blaine, grumbling defeat with his hair, comes to the edge of the bed and sits, the towel now half in his lap.

“So?” Kurt raises an eyebrow.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Blaine’s face is serious.

Kurt sighs.. “Is talking what you really want to be doing?”

“Kurt,” Blaine elongates his name, endearingly, and tilts his head. “I’m not going to let you bottle things up. This weekend was--”

“Why don’t we move on from this weekend?” Kurt sets the tea and the magazine on the nightstand, and moves out of the chair. He undoes the robe, letting it fall open, revealing that he’s wearing nothing underneath. He then begins to touch himself, leisurely stroking his dick as he comes towards the bed, showing Blaine there’s really only one thing on his mind.

Blaine smirks, but is, unfortunately, not easily persuaded. “What’s going on? You haven’t talked to me all weekend, c’mon...”

“Well…” Kurt comes to the bed, pulls Blaine’s towel off and to the ground, then straddles Blaine’s lap, curling his arms around Blaine’s shoulders. “We just finished an emotionally and mentally draining show. I spent the last two days sleeping on the ground. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to find a moment of peace so that I can have mind-blowing sex with my really hot husband.” Kurt reaches between them, and begins to slowly stroke Blaine.

“Ku-urt…” It’s a half-hearted protest as Blaine becomes quickly interested in Kurt’s hand.

Kurt draws in close to Blaine’s ear and whispers, “let’s fuck now, talk after.”

Blaine’s resolve breaks. Their mouths crash together in a heated kiss, Blaine’s mouth remaining hot on Kurt’s skin as Kurt shifts. Blaine manages to get his lips around one of Kurt’s nipples and sucks. Kurt lets out a groan as Blaine swirls his tongue around it. Kurt arches as Blaine begins to suck and god-fucking-finally they’re going to do this.

Blaine breaks away from his nipple, allowing Kurt to bend down and kiss Blaine hard. He isn’t in the mood he was in on Thursday night, where he had wanted to be casual and slow and enjoy Blaine as much as possible. No time to be delicate - his entire body is aching for it. He needs it now, and he heats up the kiss, sliding his tongue into Blaine’s mouth. Blaine groans, and despite the earlier reservations, Blaine’s now as hungry as Kurt, wrapping his arms around him so they can be closer together.

Kurt reaches between them, taking both of them in his hand this time, and unevenly jerks their erections as they kiss. There’s not as much friction as Kurt would like, but Blaine’s dick is throbbing next to his, and that’s fine for now. It’s not like this is going to end with a simple hand job.

They kiss a little longer, until Blaine breaks it off, steadying himself with one hand on the bed as he pumps his hips in time with Kurt’s hand. They’re both hard and more than ready to step it up.

“What do you want?” Blaine pants.

I want you to fuck me so hard I feel it for the next week , Kurt thinks, desparate at the thought of Blaine inside him, pounding him the way he needs it. But coherent words aren’t coming and all that stumbles out is a grunt of ‘fuck me’.

It’s a hurried mess of hands and limbs as they shuffle around again. Kurt manages to get off the bed entirely, discarding the robe without a thought, pulling Blaine’s towel to the floor as well. Blaine’s off the bed in another second, taking no time to wrap himself up in Kurt. They turn mid-kiss, Blaine pushing Kurt back to the bed. Blaine manages to give Kurt’s ass a pert squeeze before Kurt settles on the edge of the bed.

Blaine goes to his knees.

“Are you sure this is okay - your knee,” Kurt manages to remember as he spreads his legs for Blaine.

Blaine looks up at him, eyes dark and ready. “Could be completely shattered and it wouldn’t stop me from doing this right now.”

Kurt melts just a little more. “Blaine…”

“Too much talking, Kurt,” he says, before sinking his mouth over Kurt’s dick.

Kurt falls back on the bed, letting out a long groan as Blaine completely takes over. He had almost forgotten how good Blaine is with his mouth, knowing exactly how Kurt likes to be sucked off. Kurt just relaxes into Blaine’s touch - the tension, the anxiousness from the weekend, from the past few months, melting away with every bob of Blaine’s head. Kurt rocks his hips gently, but mostly lets Blaine take control. He sucks deeply a few times before pulling back, and swirling his tongue around the head of Kurt’s dick. Blaine then pulls off entirely, and shifts so that he could begin pulling at himself while he mouths Kurt’s balls, taking time to suck at one, then the other. Kurt’s on edge, nerves on fire as Blaine then devours Kurt’s dick once again.

Kurt reaches out a hand to Blaine’s shoulder. “Blaine, wait,” he says, a bit hazy. He’s close, but not ready to be done yet.

Blaine gets it, and stands to retrieve some lube from the suitcase, while Kurt turns to be on all fours, allowing Blaine as much access as he needs to his ass. Blaine’s back on his knees in a moment, guiding Kurt’s hips closer to his mouth. Blaine’s hot mouth is on him once again, kissing him, snaking his tongue inside his hole to open him up. Kurt closes his eyes, giving into the pleasure of it, as Blaine eventually replaces his tongue with a lubed finger, and then two. Blaine speeds his fingers, pumping in and out as he leans forward to suck kisses on Kurt’s balls. Kurt rocks with the pace of Blaine’s fingers, the heat building quickly. Blaine knows his body well, and pulls away before Kurt’s pushed over the edge.

As Blaine goes to stand, Kurt turns around, managing to sit up so he can grab onto Blaine. He pulls on Blaine’s dick a few times before sinking his mouth on it. Blaine’s hardly had any attention shown to him yet, and Kurt needs to rectify that before he gives completely over to Blaine. God, he loves Blaine’s dick. He loves the way it feels in his mouth, the heaviness on his tongue, the way it’s so male - so Blaine. Really, it’s Blaine that he loves so much - even if he isn’t the best at articulating it. The least he could do is show proper appreciation.

“Kuuurt,” Blaine grunts, his knees nearly buckling. “I thought you want to…”

“Fuck…” Kurt pulls off and licks along Blaine’s length. “Yeah.”

Kurt lies back on the bed, elbows supporting him, and spreads his legs wide.

Blaine’s going to fuck him now. He’s open and ready and his body is aching now with want and need. And thank god, Blaine is finally going to be fucking him.

Blaine climbs on the bed, stroking himself as he hovers over Kurt. Kurt draws him in for a hungry kiss, tasting himself on Blaine’s lips. They make out for another moment or two, Kurt drawing his legs up, and wrapping them around Blaine. Blaine’s dick rests eagerly between Kurt’s cheeks, and Kurt begins to frantically rub against it.

Blaine breaks the kiss so as to reposition himself, putting the head of his dick at Kurt’s hole, and gently pushes in. Kurt moans Blaine’s name as he begins to slowly rock his hips, shallowly pumping a few times before completely bottoming out. They begin to kiss again, deeply, as Blaine begins to give a slow, deep thrust, grinding their hips together with their kiss.

Everything is electric now, and Kurt can’t remember the last time he felt this connected with his husband. He feels Blaine everywhere and, fuck yes, this is what he had been missing. Here is his husband. Here is his Blaine. Why, why, why had then gone so long without this?

The kiss grows sloppier as Kurt, desperate for more movement, begins to pick up the pace. Blaine steadies himself, allowing Kurt a moment to fuck himself on Blaine’s dick. The angle isn’t the best, but he needs it so badly he doesn’t care. He claws at Blaine’s back as he rocks faster and faster.

“Let me,” Blaine whispers. Kurt slows, looks into Blaine’s eyes, and sees all the love they share between them. Blaine gently cups Kurt’s face, gives him a sweet kiss on the lips and whispers again, “let me…”

Understanding, Kurt pauses and holds on to Blaine tightly. “I love you,” he says - barely a whisper.

“Love you, too.”

Blaine pulls out, almost entirely, then slams back into Kurt. Kurt lets out a scream as he feels Blaine deep inside him. Blaine quickens the pace, slamming into him again and again. His hips driving with an unstoppable purpose now. Kurt goes limp on the bed, giving over Blaine complete control, letting him fuck and fuck and fuck and god… Kurt wishes they could just stay in this endless ecstacy of fucking and connection and love and pleasure.

He’s so close now, so close… Blaine knows that, too, and sneaks a hand between them, giving Kurt a few strokes, which finally, finally pushes him over. The orgasm tears through him, causing him to scream out Blaine’s name as he feels it all the way to his toes. Blaine is not far behind him, a few more pumps and he’s shuttering his orgasm into Kurt.

Kurt’s pliant and blissed out as Blaine comes down, giving a few final pumps before pulling out completely. Kurt pulls at him and kisses him, loving and tender. God, he’s going to sleep so well tonight.

“Feel better now?” Blaine says, almost with a giggle.

“Yeah,” Kurt says, breathlessly.

Blaine gives him a kiss on the forehead. “Good.”

***

Later, after they’ve cleaned up and taken another shower, they’re both sitting on the chair; Kurt on Blaine’s lap, both in the complementary white robes. Kurt is snuggled in Blaine’s arms - the most content he’s been in, well, he isn’t sure how long. They’re conversation isn’t much beyond casual -- the old lady who had checked them in who had been unexpectedly delighted to know that they were married, Artie’s work-in-progress play, Sam and Mercedes possibly being back together… Until Blaine brings it back around to the discussion he attempted earlier.

“Kurt, I know there’s something more going on than just lack of sex,” Blaine says. He’s concerned again, his brow wrinkled with worry.

Kurt wants to argue that it had been about sex, at least in a way. Kurt had missed his connection with Blaine - and hadn’t been aware of how deeply he needed to feel close to Blaine again until he had realized just how long it had been missing. However, Blaine is right, and there are deeper things going on. He wouldn’t normally call Blaine the sneaky one - he definitely held that title - but he knows Kurt enough that sometimes sex could be a throughway to Kurt’s emotions. Kurt being relaxed and gentle, and feeling safe enough after sex, that it allows him the opportunity to say what he needs to.

“Well, for one, we’re now unemployed,” Kurt says, not quite meeting Blaine’s eye. Outside, a few birds fly over the idyllic lake, the sun setting peacefully on the horizon. The pit of anxiousness began to stir at the thought of leaving this place and heading home.

“Okay…” Blaine says slowly.

“And almost thirty.”

“True.”

“And I think, maybe, as much as I love performing, I think I want more stability in my life.”

Blaine gives him a kind smile. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah - I get it,” Blaine says with an ease that Kurt can never quite get when planning his life. “We’ve been doing alright, and have a little bit saved up, and I have a few solid auditions coming up. So if you want to take some time to figure out what you want to do long term, that’s fine with me.”

Kurt let out a heavy sigh. He loves Blaine, he really, really does. “I don’t know what I want, Blaine.”

Blaine gave a shrug. “And that’s okay. You’ll find something. We’ll both find something.”

Kurt runs his fingers through Blaine’s hair, then a finger slowly down Blaine’s cheek. “I’m sorry I ruined the weekend. I know you thought it’d be relaxing.”

Blaine laughs. “I’m sorry I let Rachel ruin our evening. I need to say no to her more, I know. But at least she made up for it.”

“Well, she could have sprung for the Hilton, but I suppose this will do,” Kurt jokes.

“At least it’s not outside - and it has a bed.”

Kurt lets out a laugh before giving Blaine a kiss. There’s a little more heat behind it than he intended but that’s fine. What else are they here for?

“We should start scheduling this again,” Kurt says, as they trade slow kisses. Round two is a go, but neither are in any hurry to get there. “It definitely worked for us in high school.”

Blaine pulls away, “Mmmm, Sundays are a bad time to start then. It’s a school night and my parents want me home by nine. Maybe we should schedule for next Thursday when your dad works late.”

“Don’t kill the mood, Blaine,” Kurt says, laughing as he goes back for a kiss.

#s.o. writes things #in the city that we love #klaine #klaine fic #hey putting a new thing out there - i promise other things aren't being ignored <3

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metalheadsforblacklivesmatter · 3 years

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I know this sounds selfish as all hell... But I don't want to work. Like. Ever again. Not until minimum wage and living wage are one and the same. Not until entry level means "pluck em off the street easy." Not until the hiring process is actually effort from both sides. (I give you my application, I expect a call or an email. Yes or No, Not that hard. I shouldn't have to kiss your ass and beg for the bare minimum just to get to an interview that I may still get rejected at.) Not until my schedule is ultimately respected; if I'm not available weekends then I'm not working weekends. What I do is none of your business. I said I ain't working after 5PM then guess when I go home?

Sorry this was a long "'ask'" I'm not great at interactions. I just wanna feel justified in my lack of motivation to do anything useful. The pay and work is the same if not worse than before a fuckin pandemic. I don't have the energy to work, I'm making more on unemployment anyway.

First things first.

In America you are 100% entitled to be selfish about your needs. 100% in America your needs HAVE to be YOUR priority. Otherwise no one will give a shit.

In other countries it's a different story. In China if they think they might be sick, they wear a mask, even before the pandemic. In Japan they don't litter because they empathize with the people that have to clean it up.

America, though, is a very self-centered country. "I don't want to wear a mask because it makes ME uncomfortable." or "I don't want gay people getting married because it goes against MY religion." or even "Fat people shouldn't wear two-piece swimsuits because I don't want to see it."

But America is this country of the individual parading as a country of the people. America will say "You have to work during the pandemic because economy. Think of the people." But the moment the person that's forced to work is like "Okay, so if I end up in the hospital with COVID, can we make it affordable?" America will say, "LOL, No. Fuck you. Sucks to suck."

As long as this is a country where everyone puts themselves first, you NEED to do the same. You want to be unemployed because it's easier to put food on he table and keep a roof over your head? Then that's valid. You need to think about your need to not starve before anything else.

Second.

It's like what they say. "You get what you'd pay for." You want to pay your employees $7 an hour? You're going to get some REAL underenthusiastic employees. Just like if you get $10 shoes they're going to be really shitty shoes. You want good employees, they cost good money.

I posted a video about how Buckee's pays $15 an hour, with a 401k, 3 weeks paid vacation, and you work 40 hours a week (which means you get medical benefits).

Do you know what Buckee's is KNOWN for? Clean bathrooms. When I found out what they paid, I was like "Shit, for that kind of pay and benefits, I'd gladly work there. Shit, I'd even clean the bathrooms, and I'd be the happiest fucking toilet cleaner you've seen. Hell, I'd even be a people person, smiling at every customer if you paid me that well." (For context, I hate people. That's the whole reason why I went into programming. A job with no clients and no one has to recognize me for anything.)

But, damn. If you paid me like that AND I got benefits? I'd love people. I'd love cleaning toilets. I'd even be a damn morning person if we raised that to $19 an hour.

I don't understand why employers don't get that. Like, we'd probably enjoy working quite a bit if you just paid us.

Hell, you could probably even pay us enough to enjoy a shitty ass job.

Hope this validates how you feel.

-fae

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adultswim2021 · 3 years

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Ephemera Week (2002)

Mission Hill (originally aired on WB, 1999-2000)

Mission Hill was a perfectly good animated series from former Simpsons show-runners Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein. It was a sitcom about cool young people in a cool young people city. Andy French is an aspiring cartoonist, intended to be a Matt Groening type who would (over the course of many many seasons) eventually find success and get his own super-successful animated series called THE SIMPSONS: SEASONS 1-8.

The premise of the show was that Andy’s parents retire and sell the childhood home, displacing his nerdy high-school aged younger brother Kevin. Kevin moves in with Andy and learns how to be a cool city style guy, you know, the kind that’s always “walkin here!” and sucking off Bob Balaban in the men’s room and whatnot.

The show is at least better than the bad seasons of the Simpsons, and has a cool alt-comics style that suits the show really well. Not to damn it with faint praise, it’s a good show. There are a handful of GREAT episodes and plenty of strong jokes. There's news of a revival in the works focusing on Gus and Wally, the older gay couple in the show. It's supposed to take place in the same era the show originally aired in, which is just great.

Like Baby Blues and Home Movies before it, I did catch this show randomly on it's network of origin. I saw one or two of the final episodes to air on WB. I liked it! I was glad to see it get revived for a run on Adult Swim. I've wanted more episodes ever since.

I don't think the show is available for streaming anywhere, which is too bad. It came out on DVD with special features. That DVD set was reissued on DVD-R without special features, so... buyer? be wary. There's also a number of music replacements that ruin some of the scenes. At one point I had a bootleg set where somebody took the DVD video and replaced the audio with the as-broadcast version of of the show. Good luck finding it.

Here's an episode guide showing their debuts on Adult Swim. Bold episodes were originally unaired, making their debut on the channel. Also note: episodes had an innocuous title and a spicier in-house title in parentheses. It’s real Police Squad! shit.

12AM Monday Morning:

May 20: Pilot (or The Douchebag Aspect) May 27: Andy Joins the PTA (or Great Sexpectations) June 3: Kevin's Problem (or Porno for Pyro) June 10: Andy vs. The Real World (or The Big-Ass Viacom Lawsuit) June 17: Andy and Kevin Make a Friend (or One Bang for Two Brothers) June 24: Andy Gets a Promotion (or How to Get Head in Business Without Really Trying) July 1: Kevin vs. the SAT (or Nocturnal Admissions) July 8: Unemployment Part 1 (or Brother's Big Boner) July 15: Unemployment Part 2 (or Theory of the Leisure Ass) July 22: Kevin Finds Love (or Hot for Weirdie) July 29: Stories of Hope and Forgiveness (or Day of the Jackass)

11PM Sunday Night:

August 4: Happy Birthday, Kevin (or Happy Birthday, Douchebag) August 11: Plan 9 from Mission Hill (or I Married a Gay Man from Outer Space)

ALSO NOTE: There are about five episodes that were in early-stages of production and if you poke around you can find scripts for these episodes ( here as of this writing). A full animatic and table read for “Crap Gets In Your Eyes” exists if you search for it.

MAIL BAG

London Arbuckle ASKS! or, states! sorry I’m writing this lead-in without having read the whole message yet.

Another confusing Baffler Meal thing: the deleted cold open that's on the DVD. It gets called back to in the actual episode ("Between two steamed buns", "Nine dollars!? For what?") and provides crucial context, BUT it also gets contradicted in the actual episode (SG sells out for "one serious speaker" instead of owing a restaurant money). Also I remember all the ads for this episode used a clip from the cold open! It always kinda bothered me that they cut it but boys (matt & dave) will be boys!

I do think the cold open is nice and I always make a point to watch it with the episode. In my mind they are as essential as watching that boring Terry Gilliam short before Meaning of Life. The next step is pointlessly editing them together using Nero. Yeah, that’s the ticket

Here’s ANONYMOUS, baby!

It's summertime and we are talking about Adult Swim and I gotta ask when's the last time you've been to a pool. Have you ever in your adult life enjoyed the benefits of an adult swim. Tell us just how much you like splash around. Yes, that would be quite illuminating I'm sure (rolleyes).

Man, when was the last time I went into a pool? It’s been literally years. I think the last time I swam I did a bad job. I am definitely am getting “bad job” vibes off my hazy memories. Man, my memories used to be precious. Damn!

do you think theyll ever work with george lowe again in any major capacity or do you think he's just bad news.

I was about to say “isn’t he on American Dad” based on him name-checking American Dad as one of his many credits but I just looked it up and he was only in one episode. Damn. Somebody give George work he seems nice.

beakman's world, anyone? The wild and wacky world of Paul Zaloom? Hmm? Anyone?

lol you wish...

Baby Blues really was my everything back in the early 2000s, it may not have head the punk rock cred you clearly seem to crave it was a soothing balm for myself as a new father in a scary world (9/11 and all that, terrible stuff).

you raise a good point, that you’re a huge dork “with child” and I’m cool and laughed at 9/11 because it was funny to me, actually

Just read your Baby Blues "take down" and I gotta say: In the immortal words of Mike Francesca, "You're a fool. ho-kay? A total fool."

Uh huh. Yeah okay. Mike Francesca hordes pot bellied pigs in his apartment and lives in filth. He stinks, and so do youd

Baby Blue is like every animation nerd's wet dream. What if they made the rugrats with only the parents part. And here it is. Be careful what you wish for, chunky.

Yeah and it’s too bad because judging from the previous mail bags my audience is primarily made up of BABIES.

#adult swim #mission hill #adultswim2021 #ephemera

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wexhappyxfew · 3 years

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i’ve been meaning to do this for quite some time now and the time hit me later this evening and bam! this is for @mercurygray ‘s challenge she had set for valentine’s day and the time never really came for me during that portion of the month and so i decided to do it a bit later on and yay the time finally arrived lol! so, this is my take on a new oc + a blind date idea with my favorite boy! :) enjoy!!

introducing minnie thomas of whitley, england!

The Primrose by the Riverbed

London, England - December, 1943

London had always been her dream as a child.

To walk the cobblestone streets, sit on the wooden benches of the parks, feed the birds that flew through the sky, and visit the pubs late into the night.

Yet dreams were always fleeting in her time.

Living in the town of Whitley, she spent her days in the fields by the South Brook, picking flowers from the ground and running up the mud covered banks, while racing through fields of soft, sun-kissed grass; her youth had been bred for her there.

But with the food shortages and the high unemployment rates, dinner some nights had been nothing more than bread that had to be portioned out throughout the week for a family of 6, and a stick of weekly butter that had to spare the family for just long enough.

Of course, they had the two cows in the wooden farm on the plot of land her father had in his family for generations, and they provided just a meager amount of milk for breakfast in the morning. The chickens didn't produce enough eggs anymore, but Minnie almost always forgave the little things, they were old girls anyway - she didn't blame them. When the war had come, the war effort picked up, stock increased, the factories were moving ahead in production well enough, and suddenly there was an air of a willingness to fight, to continue to grow as a nation and unite, and finally come together as one.

That's when Harvey and Chester had been drafted for the war and communication had dwindled to letters that drew even more rare as the modern slew of war took its affect.

Little Vivian had watched them go off, and her optimism had stayed for a few days before disappearing when she realized her brothers might never come home.

And so Minnie did what she could for her younger sister along with her parents - working odd jobs throughout the day, traveling to surrounding towns at night to work jobs at the local pubs, just to bring in a spare bit of money to place in the jar on the wooden counter by the kitchen sink window.

London became a reality once she had taken a chance at singing in Swindon in early 1941 on a cold evening in March.

The Old Thameside Inn had been her residence for that evening in December, sitting at the bar, drumming her fingers against the glass of water in front of her, listening to the gentle thrum of one of the singers, sing the sad, soulful tune, which squeezed just a bit tighter at her heart than normal.

The chatter amongst the crowd in the pub danced through the ear drums and the sweet scent of perfumes and flowers that dusted the tables settled about the place.

The jingle of the bell that rung at the entrance where little off-white lights were currently lit, dinged a little tune and Minnie glanced over her shoulder the slightest bit to find a group of American men sauntering in.

They seemed to swagger, moving from side to side, their voices breaking through the low chatter of the London townsfolk. Minnie curiously tilted her head to the side and watched them, if what she could suggest was, playfully smack the other with a brother-like affection, before sharing the cigarette rolled in between their finger tips.

Minnie turned around again, snuggling a bit into her pale green dress, the Mary-Janes strapped to her feet with the little white-lace socks, hanging just above the ground. It was quiet again.

" Hey there." a voice said from her left and Minnie felt her cheeks warm the slightest bit as she, quite innocently, glanced to her left, peaking a brow upwards towards whoever was now seated beside her.

They were American and their accent, though not terribly thick, she could tell they were American. His hair was quite gelled, hanging in his eyes a little bit, but they were bright, the soft brown glowing in the irises, and a boyish smile drawn on his lips. His uniform was a little disheveled but if anything, it made the dimple in her cheek appear from the nervous smile that had appeared on her lips.

" Hello." she said quietly, nervously tapping the side of the glass of water in front of her. Minnie watched the man smile at the sound of her voice and sat upright quite proudly beside her. 

" All alone?" Minnie watched him - quite the greeting, she suspected it were an American thing - and as if in a joking tone, mimicked him in sitting upright beside him. She watched him smirk.

" Maybe." she said, attempting to elegantly shrug her shoulders, smiling again beside him as she looked upwards towards him. The man beside her let out a chuckle, which made her stomach flip a bit inside, like a rupture of butterflies had been let go.

" Any suggestions then?" the man asked her," For a good drink?" Minnie let out a small laugh, feeling a soft glow of pink dust upon her cheeks as she met his gaze.

" Well...I've heard they have fantastic fresh-brewed beer." she said, nodding up towards him with a wide smile," Some of the best in all of London." The soldier smiled a gentle smile.

" You seem to know the place well then." he said and she smiled, before shyly looking towards him.

" Minnie Thomas." she said, holding her hand out towards him. The man smirked gently before bringing his hand forward to shake her own. 

" Joe Liebgott," he said, before leaning forward a bit, “ Joseph - if we wanna get fancy." Minnie laughed at his teasing tone as they retracted hands and returned to occupying their individual pub seats.

" It's nice to meet you then, Joseph Liebgott." she said and Joe chuckled as he glanced at her.

" The pleasure's mine, Minnie Thomas." he said and Minnie grinned, before clearing her throat. 

" What brings you to London?" she asked quietly, tapping her fingers against the edge of her glass of water," Besides the war." Joe smiled.

" A few of my buddies and I wanted some time out here before training really picked up here. Don over there thought this was the place to be. Saw it in a paper." Joe explained and Minnie couldn't help but feel a smile grow on her face at the thought of the little Inn where her first gig had been, finally growing.

" Then I welcome you to London." Minnie said, sitting up straight again, a little mimic of the man," Just outside you have the Thames River, London Bridge just beyond that and King's College just a bit deeper inward, shops along the side, parks residing on many corners and newspaper shops just nearby. And a few secret pubs that I could possibly gain you access to if you are so inclined." She smiled wide towards him as she sipped her water, watching a chuckle arise again.

" You grew up here then?" Minnie felt her shoulders drop a bit as she clasped her hands together in front of her.

" It was always my dream." she said, smiling softly towards him as a round of cheers for the singer on the stage finished their song. Joe glanced over her shoulder, but then softly found her eyes again.

" You didn't...?" Minnie giggled, shaking her head.

" I'm afraid not." she said as Joe laughed.

" Man, who would've thought, you know the place so well." he said and Minnie laughed lightly.

" Whitley was my home and I feel it always will be." she said, smiling at the thought of the little home by the South Brook with the wildflowers and the rocks and the mudbanks. She smiled wider again and looked towards him.

" It was beautiful. Just a cottage, by a brook, 2 cows, a few chickens. It was....peaceful. Somedays, especially today I just wish I could just go back, forget the war, forget it all." Minnie said, and Joe grinned. 

" Peace sounds nice." he said and Minnie giggled at his slightly nervous laughter that emitted in his words," Maybe that's a dream that'll come true too." Minnie glanced at him softly, watching him in the soft light of the pub, his dark eyes watching her form, such a gentle aura radiating from his being as he said there watching her.

" For both of us." she said quietly and Joe watched her, leaned up against the pub table quietly, with his gaze resting on hers.

“ I hope you get that some day, Joe.” she said quietly to him, gently reaching her hands forward to take one of his warm hands in her own, his soft skin, paired with his calloused palms clasped in her own as he softly glanced up towards her, feeling as she cradled his hand so carefully within her own.

Joe watched her softly, this young woman who could’ve been no older than 20, stand there as if she were some sort of primrose by the river, an ethereal being or even a gentle doe in the mist of an early morn where the sun rays were nearly blinding but to the point where it was a soft comfort in those hours.

Joe took her hands this time within his own and held them, watching them softly, feeling the want to just hold them and never let go. Yet, in this sleepy pub by the London Bridge and the Thames river, it was almost as if on a whim the two knew they’d never cross paths again. Maybe in another life where young love rekindled the tiny spark that was made this cold December eve, maybe a time where war and an ocean didn’t separate the two souls alike, and there wasn’t an enemy in their path.

Maybe.

Brushing his lips against the tender skin of her sweet-smelling hands, like a hint of rosemary almost, he pressed a soft kiss there. As if a hope that she’d find the peace she had always wanted and that he would someday do the same. Maybe not tonight but in the future that called their name.

Minnie watched Joe as he softly pulled back and held her hands in his own for a fleeting moment after.

Just a boy and a girl, sat in the dimly lit pub that smelled of winter air and the sad, soulful song of the singer on stage, warped by war and an ocean apart, yet held together by that string of hope for a possible sprinkle of peace in both their futures.

Just maybe.

#merc’s oc challenge!#minnie thomas #joe liebgott #the primrose by the riverbed #oc challenge #this was super fun and cute #i really liked how this turned out!!! :)#band of brothers #bob fic

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ruinedandnotorious · 3 years

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tumblr, listen.

i have a lot on my mind and i need to get it out and i have too many other people looking at my other social media accounts to say it all there. i should’ve known my old pal tumblr would be there for me.

woo lord, i am frustrated. and anxious. i keep feeling like i’m on the precipice of something. that all of my work and hope and traction is going to lead... somewhere. somehow. sometime. but i don’t know how or with who and certainly not when and i wish the when was yesterday.

i have so many ideas i can’t get off the ground for whatever reason. i’ve tried though! i sent off some applications, submissions and emails this week that will hopefully yield some kind of results. yesterday i was very much in that mindset of, “they can bite you, but they can’t eat you,” so i just went for things.

i’ve put things out into the world, but it never hurts to put them out there more. so, here goes.

i am lucky to have the job that i have. the money sucks, but my boss is super flexible with my time and supportive of my volunteer work. i actually really like every single coworker, which has never happened before, lol.

right now, though, we are only working 30 hours... which is PERFECT for my mental health, but AWFUL for things like rent and bills. i’m making it, but that’s literally it. i need more money, majorly. but man, i enjoyed the hell out of unemployment last year. i want a new job - one that pays well - and one that doesn’t feel like work. i know, that’s everyone’s dream. but i feel like i am so close to getting there but it’s always just out of reach.

my job is fine, truly. it’s easy. it’s cushy - i’m working from home, thank god. BUT staying inside all day is getting to me physically and, unless i have a work meeting or am recording my podcast, i don’t talk to anyone but my cat (and my mom, by phone), so it can really drain my mental health. but i also don’t want to get out too much because, hello, goddamn covid.

this last year has taught me a lot, but it’s also changed how i socialize. i’ve always been introverted but it’s worse now and i’m picky about who/how i socialize. i have this one friend that i’ve known since elementary school. we’ve always been friends, but never super close. we have nothing in common, literally nothing. for a while, that didn’t matter. it was fun to catch up. now, though? the friendship feels like a chore. i hate saying that. but i don’t know that either of us get anything out of it, really. but she keeps trying to reach out and i’ve ignored her every time. i’ve ignored her for MONTHS. she deserves a response. but i also know that any response will just fuel the fire. i hate to be like, can we not? but every time i try to work myself up to respond to her, i just can’t. it’s like my brain is like, no, we’re not saying anything. no. don’t even consider it. i just have this block. i feel so bad saying that. she’s done nothing wrong! but i also know i tiptoe around stuff because, again, we have nothing in common, so it’s not like i can just freely speak my mind about anything. she doesn’t give a shit about anything i’m into an vice versa, so it’s frustrating to just update my life like, “well, i work, that’s it.” because she doesn’t give a damn about anything else i’m doing or am into. UGH. like. why does she want to keep this going? i had someone - like a best friend (not this friend i’m talking about, but one that’s much closer to me) - tell me recently that i am a shitty friend so... this is proof. yay.

anyway. i met someone recently who blew my damn mind. she’s a spiritual advisor/counselor, and we instantly connected about so many things but i also learned so much from her - in just the few hours we talked. i want to do an actual session with her, but her rates are high and i don’t have the money. i’ve thought about asking her if i could trade some social media services for a session - like basically be her social manager for a month - but i also know money is money and she’s worth actual money, not likes/followers on social. i don’t know. i do not want to disrespect her; i know she’s worth every penny.

but she did confirm some things i’ve wondered about in terms of those i’ve lost. she gave me a bit of peace. but i have more questions. like, a whole page of questions, lol.

she also opened my eyes to some healing work i need to do on myself... in a lot of ways, but especially in regards to my last job and how they fucked me over. i have so much anger and hurt from that, a year later. and i even consider what they did to me a blessing - it’s really led to a life that is more in line with what i actually want and value. i’m just angry at how it all went down and how they still act - or don’t - toward me.

the mag i work for let me write about my dad’s passing and the complications of covid grief, so that was great - i had an outlet for that. but how do you go about getting your feelings out about your last employer... who’s a major player in town and who drives tourism for the city.. lol. i’m sure i’ll let it all out here sooner or later.

i jumped back on a dating site, 100% for the distraction, not because i thought i’d actually meet someone. which is probably why i haven’t, lol. like... no one even comes close to what i think i want in a man. i keep hoping someone will show up at the cemetery... yes when i’m covered in graveyard dirt and sweat and looking my worst... i also feel bad that i keep hoping the cemetery will answer all of life’s questions and fix me in all the ways. like. my expectations are too high - of a cemetery! - so i’m sure my expectations for a guy are too high too.

i’m also not ready to meet someone because i am physically just not into a relationship either. i’m my biggest i’ve ever been. i was doing so well at becoming body neutral - just accepting of my body, not so much loving it - but woo lord, i somehow gained like 10 pounds over the last week and i am feeling it, big time. idk how i’ve gained so much when i mostly eat at home? and i don’t think i’m eating THAT bad at home? i never fry anything? i do eat a lot of cheese i guess. i don’t know. gonna go to the doctor soon and i’m sure THAT will be a fun visit. plus, my hands - especially my left hand - has really bad trigger finger (i’m guessing that’s what it is, it meets all of the symptoms on webmd lol) and it hurts so bad. i don’t wanna go back to an ortho.

there are other issues, specifically concerning shark week (i asked my psych doc about it and she made me feel normal, so thank god for her), that i’ve got to get squared away, too. it feels like my body has just ran away from me and i can’t control any part of it.

i’ve read so many good books in the last year, holy shit. lately i’ve been watching movies while i work and holy shit, classic movies are so damn good. claude rains, man.

pose is amazing. blanca is like, the perfect human ever? if ever i run away to start a new life, i’m using the name elektra abundance. i. love. elektra. so. much.

i’m angry at myself because i’ve always wanted to collect mini brands and dammit i finally bought my first ball and... yep. i wanna get ‘em all. they are $7 a ball. i don’t need this stupid, expensive thing to be into.

that’s just it. i wish i had the money for little frivolous things like that. there’s an edgar allan poe tarot deck at my local witchy shop that i am DYING for. i want a new tattoo - not even anything that big or expensive!

i really want a damn vacation. i feel so bad saying that. but i just want out of this area for a second.

SIGH.

generally... life’s alright. i just want it to be better and maybe a little more exciting.

#weight #body issues #life #money #jobs #wtf am i even doing #tv #friendship

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snowkkomo · 3 years

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I think I'm depressed.

I think I am depressed.

That's it, that's the post. Whew, this is going to be hard.

For some time now, it's getting increasingly hard to focus on tasks. I feel like I have to exert three times the amount of energy for tasks that require cognitive function. In my case, it makes things difficult because I am a researcher. My brain works overtime to feed me, quite literally.

The pandemic certainly has a big part to play: before the pandemic started, I interned in a company that I thought would be my home for the next year or two. I just got out of a job that burdened my mental health so much. The job is fine and I enjoy what I am doing. But clients stopped coming in. My boss said he's not taking care of the branch office and just going to focus on the European operation. The office was packed up and boxed away to Europe.

When I signed up for this job, anything goes, as long as I don't fall into unemployment. It was so hard, as firms stopped hiring and there were massive layoffs everywhere. I tried the best that I could to keep myself afloat, and so I took the easiest job available for me: to be a researcher in training.

To be quite honest, I don't 100% hate becoming a researcher. I do enjoy research. I enjoy the entire process of writing, especially if I got into the flow state. It is enjoyable to work, and the colleagues are supportive. When I think about where I came from and where I am now, I'd say that my condition has improved.

One year on, however, I felt... bored. I couldn't get into the dynamics of a researcher's life. The pace is too slow, and it's coming from me who enjoyed slow-pace living! I have to work hard for a period of time and then submit my work and not hearing about it for a long time, and then revise. It's the same cycle, and it's killing me lol.

I know, I know, I shouldn't complain. I have a job in the middle of the global pandemic and if anything, I should be super grateful. But really, I miss the day when work excites me. I know I could just ask for more jobs or to learn and upskill, yet, I have zero interest and energy in doing so. Yeah, yeah I'm being a spoiled brat. Don't worry, I've beaten myself up over it already.

Add in pandemic-related factors that cause mental burdens and a depression pie is served. It's been weeks, hell, months since I feel like I have the energy to even produce something. I couldn't enjoy reading, something that I used to love.

I have a pathetic span of attention and my reading comprehension was down so low that I couldn't even believe I'm the same person anymore. I was the go-to person when you want your spelling and grammar checked but now, I missed the most glaring details in my work. I made more mistakes, and I hate myself so much for it.

I have my therapy session exactly next week. I hope I can bring this up during the session. Until then.

Ps: sorry for grammatical mistakes lol I can't be bothered

#mental health #blog #coping

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