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criminallyvenomous · 1 year

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Fighting Leads to Fxxking

Masterlist

Chapter Five - An Alcoholic Man-Whore

Ship - Loki x Stark! Reader

Word Count - 910

Tw - Mentions of Abortion, Alcoholism, Possible Abuse

Plot - Stark! Reader get stuck watching Loki after the events of 2012. Moments of weakness and bad decisions involving the world's most hated man lead to the worst possible outcome, pregnancy.

Pepper could sense something was off in the Stark tower. You had barely come downstairs for 'family dinner' the last month or so. Your father grew cold, silently upset at the lack of time you were spending with him. He lost out on the first several years of your life and he wasn't willing to lose time with you again. No matter what the reason was. Which was currently told to be too much schoolwork. Not a lie, necessarily, but definitely not the truth.

"What's wrong, Y/N?" She said, entering your bedroom. You look up from your book.

"What do you mean?" You ask as she sits on the edge of your bed.

"You're icing us out, honey. You're acting more hormonal than when you were thirteen. We love you and we want to be there for you, no matter what's going on. Is it boy drama? Lady drama? You can tell me anything."

"It's not that, I just can't tell you. I'm sorry mom, but it's just too much to wrap my head around right now. I'll tell you when I'm ready, I promise." You try to reassure your stepmother, even throwing in a 'mom' to appeal to her softer side.

"Whatever it is, I can handle it! I l've been with your father for years and I haven't lost it yet. We both know how irrational and crazy he can be." She jokes, but is entirely serious, your father was a mess at times.

"I don't know if I can handle it!" You let out, unconsciously raising your voice.

"Y/N, you have to let me in so I can help you. I can't be there for you if I don't know why I'm being there for you", She soothes your anxiety and slightly raised temper.

Maybe you could trust her. You really needed a mom right now. You only really felt like this when you first got your period. You never wanted to make your dad feel less than enough, but sometimes you just wanted someone to understand what you were going through. You wanted a mom. And there she was, right in front of you.

"I'm pregnant."

"Oh, honey." She immediately pulls you into her arms. She tries to stay strong to be there for you, but you feel her heart racing against your own. You can't see her face, but you can imagine the mental gymnastics she's experiencing right now. She lets you go, trying to secretly wipe a falling tear in the process. She looks back at you, before asking "Do you know who the father is?". For some the question may appear a bit aggressive, but she had known you were having flings during your first year of college in the big city. From Pepper, it just seemed like she was trying to wrap her head around everything.

"Yeah, I do, but he's not a good person. I don't know what to do." You admit.

"When your father and I first started seeing each other, I was just another one of 'the Stark girls'. I was horrified when I found out I was pregnant. I know he's your dad, but he wasn't that good of a person for a long time. I was so afraid of what he would say to me, so I didn't tell him." She tells you, sighing afterwards.

"You had an abortion?"

"I had no other choice. He didn't know about you yet. I had no idea how good of a father he would become, but I don't regret my decision. It wasn't the right time and he wasn't the right person for me then. I had to think about my own future and what it would be like if I had gone through with the pregnancy. It was better for not only me and Tony, but the possible future of the child. It was my choice and I'm at peace with it. The right time will come for us." She felt a tear fall again and you joined her. You were already emotional and hormonal, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway. This was a time for crying if there ever was one.

"I'm glad you made the right choice for you. I know dad used to be an alcoholic man-whore." You laughed, trying to lighten the mood. She chuckled lightly in response.

"Do you know what the right choice is, for you?" She grabbed a few tissues from your nightstand, wiping her own eyes and passing you the others. You wiped your eyes, and the snot dripping out of your nose.

"Everything seems to be pointing me towards terminating, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that this is the right time for me. I don't know if I'll get another chance, you know?"

"I do, baby. I do. I want you to know that I am here for you. No matter what choice you make. We don't have to tell your father right now, but if you decide to keep it, we should soon."

"I can't, Pepper. It's Loki's." You finally say it, feeling both overwhelmed and free.

"Did he force you? I'm going to kill that alien Nazi son-of-a bitch." You shake your head at her, feeling the waterworks start all over again. "Oh, Y/N." She pulls you into another hug and quietly tells you, "We should definitely wait on telling your father" and you can't help but chuckle, agreeing.

i know this one was a bit rough to read and im sorry but i think its def an important conversation that needs to be talked about. not only is it important right now with the upcoming election (got vote if u can or else!! 👀🔪), but it's also relevant to the story bc of the context. i hope u guys liked nonetheless! comment what u thought! don't choke my little guttersluts -kat.

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#marvel #marvel x reader #loki imagine #loki x stark! reader #loki x reader #mcu loki #loki smut #loki odinson #stark! reader #tony stark #pepper potts #pepper #thor #thor odinson

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thatoneweebsworld · 1 year

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ITWOM Here We Go Boys Pt. 2

I decided a sequel was in order. I was going to write it before the weekend, then over the weekend. It's Monday now. I'm writing this. I'm picking up almost right after part 1. There will be a part 3 at some point, I just thought this would be cute idk

Mimi awakens to quite an odd situation. Her surroundings are wet, warm, and soft. Even though her eyes are wide open, she can't see anything. "Where..." she whispers to herself as she tries to figure out her location. It then hits her like a ton of bricks just what happened. The haze of just waking up fades to conscious relaxation. "Christopher, you awake yet?" she calls, accompanied by a few gentle taps and rubs. A sudden stirring up above her, a slight jump in the heart rate thumping overhead, and finally a soft hum and pressure answer her. "You woke me up, doll." Mimi still cannot get enough of the deep-set voice of her new giant acquaintance. In an attempt to not irritate her host Mimi starts gently rubbing circles in front of her into the stomach wall. The purring resonating around her only heightens her desire to stay put. "Let me guess," Christopher's voice mumbles. The only reason Mimi can understand him is because she is inside. "You want breakfast, don't you?" She stalls for a moment by pushing a little but then decides yes, she is hungry. "It would be nice, yes..."

"Alright then. Do you want me to let you out now or once its ready? You'll probably want to get washed up." Mimi contemplates her options for a moment. While she does want to get rather clean before sharing a meal with her indulgent host, something about staying put and feeling him moving about the kitchen is also intriguing. "I... I think I want to be let out for now. We can definitely do this again later, I promise. You sure seem to enjoy it~" She gently pats the membrane in front of her and just for one more moment leans into it. "You don't seem so sure about that. I can get everything prepped and then let you out before I start doing the actual cooking." With that Mimi very contentedly curls up into the folds facing the outside. "That sounds absolutely perfect." A gently pressure on her back reassures her even more that her presence is welcomed. The peaceful situation is quickly upset by Christopher's standing up from his previously seated position in which he passed out the previous night. Being jostled certainly disorients the human but she doesn't truly mind, in fact the sensation brings back fond memories of a bounce house she went to as a kid. As the giant busied himself with the task of making breakfast Mimi finally starts to fully wake up. She had never gotten quite as good of sleep as she did last night. In fact, with how soundly she slept Mimi makes a mental note to get rid of the dart on her leg. She was told to never go anywhere without it, but the way Christopher treated her dispersed all of her initial fears. Unlike a ton of other humans from where she came from, her first experiences with giants have been overwhelmingly positive. Nothing but calmness spread through her mind.

That is, until the lovely gentle pressure returns. "I'm going to let you out now, doll."

"Mimi."

"Oh, right. Mimi. Bad habit." If anything this was the part of the process Mimi has been fearing the most. At her currently small state, the process is almost mundane for Christopher. He gently presses his arm into his torso and encourages the contents upward. As soon as Mimi catches in his throat she attempts to aid Christopher by pulling herself up as best she can. This results in her slipping back down. "Dammit Mimi hold still. It's easier for me to just do it." He tries again and this time Mimi stays dead still, harboring a tiny bit of fear that he wouldn't be able to get her out. Such intrusive thoughts are then quickly squandered by visible light. One more upward push and splash, Mimi lands in water. "Oh. I didn't mean to do that." Mimi looks up at the giant from the water and realizes he had intended to put her in his hands. She had slipped through the gap between his chin and wrists. "It's ok, don't worry. That was... easier than I expected." Christopher then turns on warm water from the bathroom sink and places a tiny pair of containers next to her. "You probably recognize these. You can just leave your clothes in here for now." Mimi listens intently to the giant's instructions, silently inspecting his facial features. Somehow how such a smug build, his words came off as genuine. "Oh, I actually have a change in my bag. Would you mind grabbing them since I'm already wet?" She points over the edge of the sink as best she can into the other room. Once settled, Mimi can't help but marvel a little at how much Christopher seemed to know about humans. The horror stories she had heard in the past were all lies then, right? She figures that it might make for good breakfast conversation. Until then, Mimi simply makes the most of what she does know. 'Humans are totally overrated.'

#itwom fanfiction #itwom #safe vore #soft vore #cow writes things #vore writing #gt vore

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living-d3ad-gh0ul · 1 year

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Tuesday 18th April 2023, 8:01am

I am so sorry that it's taken me a little bit longer than I'd have liked to write this post. I've been really busy and a lot of things have changed again. I'm starting a new job (because I hate my manager of my current job, I've never felt so devalued and demoralised as an employee) on 15th May so I've been trying to finish up at my current job so I can move on when it's time to. I've taken a couple weeks off between jobs, so I have a little time to chill out and relax.

I read your last post. I've read it nearly every day and tried to figure out what to say. That's another reason it's late, because I feel bad that I was mad at you for not saying anything in a few months. Because you've been dealing with so much. I know I didn't know that until you said something but.. I still can't help but feel a little bad :( you were dealing with all of that and I am so so fucking sorry you have been. And I totally get why you maybe didn't post, I just... I missed you a lot and I didn't like not hearing anything from you for so long. But I'm glad that I have, I really am and I thank you so so much for writing to me again. I really did miss your little posts.

I am so so sorry that you've been in pain with your arm and your health hasn't been great. It made me really sad to hear that it's now affected your mental health, but I am honestly not that all surprised considering that physical and mental health go hand in hand. It just really sucks that you are having to go through all of that and honestly? I wish I could help. I wish there was some way of me being able to at least take away some of those bad feelings or discomfort. Even if only a little bit or for a second. I am also sorry that you did not have a good Christmas or New Year's and that you have had falling outs with friends and family. I really hope they are resolved or on the way to being resolved soon. And if they aren't? Then that is their loss because you are amazing and wonderful and should be cherished and looked after, especially right now when you're going through it with your health.

I am so sorry that you have been really struggling mentally. Please don't say you have failed because you haven't, you are not a failure. Nor are you a burden in any way, shape or form. You are going through a tough time, so it's only natural the way you are feeling, especially when those around you aren't been of much help or telling you conflicting information too. Your description of what it's like and how it happens (The Vampire Diaries thing, don't worry, it wasn't cringe at all, I love TVD too, always have done so I completely understood what you meant when you said 'turn it off' like Stefan). But... I just have to say, I really hope you don't 'turn it off'. I know that it's difficult and that it can be really hard to process emotions but.. that's what we have to do, as humans. We have to feel our emotions and let them out and process them in order to get over them, because if we hold on to them it's just going to make things worse and then they bottle up and it can make things much bigger. Like you said a lot of it really is distorted thinking and it really is easier said than done, I know my darling, I really do. I just... I want to help and I wish I could. I wish I could say the right thing and not say the wrong thing and that's also kind of why it's taken me so long to write back again too. I am so terrified of saying the wrong thing and upsetting you further or what I'm saying to be taken in the wrong way because that is the last thing I want. I just want you to be happy, healthy, looked after, cared for. And I kinda really wish I could be doing that for you and helping you feel that way.

Please don't see moving back home with your parents as a bad thing. It's absolutely not. Like you said yourself, it's definitely a reset. It is NOT meaning you have gone backwards or anything like that at all. You are going through a lot and you need that extra little bit of support/help right now and moving back with them is definitely a good idea to help in moving forward. Again, it's not a step back, it's a reset, it means you can re-evaluate things and figure out the best way forward that works for you. I really think that it'll be a good thing for you rather than a bad thing. I understand what you're saying about not feeling like you've lived for yourself, this is an opportunity for you to really *do* that and start to figure out what *you* want from life. Do things for yourself rather than to please others. It's not selfish at all, I promise you that, it really really isn't. It's your life, so you should be able to live it how you like and do what makes you happy.

Idk, I feel like I'm either not making much sense right now or being much help. I just... I feel terrible that you are in this situation and you're not being made to feel like the people around you care very much and are giving you conflicting information or opinions. I know that you can't help that this thing has happened with your health, that's no ones fault, not even your own, these things just sometimes do happen. But I'm sorry that it's in turn really affected your mental health and made you struggle with sleep. I know it may not be much of a help, even if I could, but.. I kinda wish I could just be there to help you sleep in some way. Whether it be to cuddle you or make you more comfortable or just talk to you when you can't sleep. Because I probably would, I'd probably stay up all night with you just to keep you company or help try and find ways to help you sleep easier/better.

I'm really glad that you think of these as letters too, I love reading them when I need to, when I feel like pretending I'm hearing you actually say all of these things to me. I think I will always be here for you, no matter how long it's been or how far apart we are, I'll always be here. It doesn't matter what happens or where we go in the world or even in life. I will always care about you and always want to see the best for you and.. yeah, you'll always have a piece of my heart and my mind, I'm pretty certain of that now. I sometimes still can't believe myself that after all these years (it's easily been 5 years since we first met each other now btw haha how mad is that?) you still think of me and care about me. Just like I think about you (a lot, embarrassingly) and care about you.

I really hope you enjoyed staying at your brother's place and looking after the kitties. They sound like very good bois and I hope you got to spend lots of time being with them while you were house/cat sitting. I didnt actually get any Easter chocolate, I was actually told I'm too old now for that by my mother haha. So I went out the next day and bought myself a load of discounted Easter chocolate haha. If no one else is going to do it, then I'm going to do it for myself lol

Oh my god, London was fantastic. I had the most amazing time ever. And the actor I went to meet was so sweet and lovely, I genuinely couldn't have been happier. He even remembered me when I went for my second photo (I had a normal one and a green screen one lol) and gave me a hug! I was really really happy and everyone keeps saying that they are such a cute photos. One of my friends even joked that the picture where he hugged me looks like a "mum and dad on holiday" kind of picture hahaha it made me laugh really fucking hard to think of it that way, especially when it's a famous actor that I'm in the photo with. But I had a great time and it was amazing to see my best friend and me and her had the best day ever. It was also nice to spend a little time with my uncle on the Sunday. We made lunch together and he was showing me some bands he'd been to see in London (he's really into music and likes to find new/obscure bands and go see them, he loves up and coming music and stuff, I think when I go back in August me and him may check out a gig or two together). I hope you get to visit London someday too, I reckon you would have the best time and I really think you would like Camden and Brick Lane the most. I could imagine us both going there and making a full day of it and having the best time ever haha. Of course, you'd have to do the normal touristy things too, like see Buckingham Palace and Big Ben lol

Oh! I also may be getting a bass again really soon too! One of my family friends is refurbishing one and may be giving it to me after they're done with it. I really really hope so, because I miss playing bass a lot and I want to get back into it. I haven't had much of a chance to do any singing for a while because of working, but I'm hoping with my new job I'll maybe have a little more freedom and will be able to get more done. And I'm saving up for a new electric piano/keyboard too, so I can write more/do more things. I've been writing still, even just small ideas that come into my head, I pop them into my notes on my phone.

You really think my handwriting is nice? I think it's messy and too weird haha. I had actually written that actor a letter (just saying thank you etc and telling them about how one of their characters they played really helped me when I was going through a tough time because I related to them so much) and they said my handwriting was nice too haha. I don't know if they actually read the letter, hopefully they did. But it's also okay if they didn't lol I know they probably get thousands of them so it'd be difficult to go through them all. I'm glad it's finally starting to cool down for you, it's starting to get a tiny bit warmer here, thank god. It was 16c here yesterday and I loved it. I went out and sat on my deck out back and had a cup of tea and sat for a little bit, it was really nice. I wish you could have been there, you'd have liked it I think.

I really hope that you're doing okay and that this letter maybe helps you smile a little. Please don't be scared to reach out to me whenever you like, no matter how long it's been. I'm always going to be here, E. I mean that. I really really do.

I hope you have managed to have at least a couple nights of somewhat restful sleep. And if not? Imagine I'm there and see if that helps, I'm sorry I know it's not much but.. when I'm sick or can't sleep, sometimes I imagine you're there and it helps a little. I hope that's not weird to say.

I really hope to hear from you soon and I hope that this letter makes sense to you, E.

Lots of love,

N x

P.S my hair is red again! I'm going to post a picture for you to see after this

"And somewhere, maybe someday, maybe somewhere far away, I’ll find a second little person who will look at me and say, 'I know you, you're the one I've waited for, let’s have some fun"

#him

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wildegeist · 1 year

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I feel like life's a lot easier when I try to find some positive to whatever I can or try to think of ways to look at things more neutrally to ground myself. I won't force myself to see a silver lining, but if there's anything to be gained, I'll look at it, and focus on it. Still look at the bad thing in the face, but also try to approach it in a more level-headed way.

The worst people I've ever known? Insteas of sitting here seething, I'll let them inspire me to never be anything like them, spite the venom they spew by putting out more positive vibes. And I'll feel damn good about doing it, too. Think about them, and be as fucking kind as possible. You can't stop them from being awful but YOU can keep YOURSELF from being awful, don't be poisoned by their vices.

People who hurt me the most and how dumb I feel for "letting" them? Well... I'm bad at recognizing red flags but I'll get a little better each time as I start noticing trends. It can be a lesson for the future and I understand things just a bit better each time it happens. I just know none of the trends they show apply to my current friends, and it allows me to be more trusting. Besides, it speaks more of their character than yours.

Feeling so shitty I'm dissociating again so I feel kind of inferior now because of this weird defense mechanism and am worried people will be annoyed at me suddenly going despondent? That's just how my brain reacts to this stuff to protect itself from sudden anxiety it can't handle. It's fine to just slip off for a bit. I have good friends who will understand if I'm acting a little weird. It sucks that my brain does this, but that's how it is.

Someone possibly saying something bad about me? ... Okay... why should I care exactly? What benefit does caring about it bring? Some people just won't like you and will say things about you. Who cares. If you're not bothering them yourself, they're the ones wasting their own time creating their own problems, and I'm not about to waste my time creating a problem of my own with them.

I screwed something up and it's all fucked up now? Maybe broke something? Did it wrong? I'll just make a mental note to be more careful next time. It's not the end of the world. If someone's disappointed in me for making a mistake, they can feel that way, but my worth doesn't hinge on their feelings.

Intrusive thoughts? Well, those are upsetting, and they may technically be a part of me since my brain did concoct them, but that's the darkest, most unhealthy parts of my brain trying to hurt itself and make itself upset on purpose. You can't really take your mind off of these or ignore them, but just remembering it's your brain being awful and not the real you helps. They're called intrusive for a reason.

Feeling bad at what I've not accomplished yet? Well, let's look at what I have accomplished. Maybe we can write a list. That's more than I thought, wasn't it? I'll get the other stuff done in due time, life's not a race.

It isn't like, a fix all, and it doesn't immediately take away all the pain or anxiety, but it helps a bit (better than not at all), and doing it enough shifted my mindset into something much better and healthier tbh. Acknowledging the bad is good, but acknowledging the good is just as important, otherwise you fall into that loop of excessive negative thinking, or on the opposite end, toxic positivity.

You just fight back against it in the little ways that you can and that's better than just not fighting at all.

#ptsd is a bitch but i can do it and i'll be ok! fuck you!#i was struggling with bad thoughts today so i wrote this up as a lil reminder for me #wildemusings

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imarawbu · 9 months

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I've not posted in awhile.

Thing were OK until Friday. My husband's best friend got married. It brought back unpleasant stuff. He got into a fight with me and basically this whole week before I first realized that I wish I didn't have kids. I went to his best friend's fiance at the time bridal shower. I had to have my daughter with me because he can't/won't take care of her for more than 2 hours straight, he says she just keeps crying and he can't calm her down. I've had exactly one break from my daughter for more than 3 hours in the 7 months she has been alive. And he was texting me and calling and asking when I would be black because he still has not learned how to calm her. It was at another pre-wedding event for this woman as well.

The bridal shower was difficult because she was so fussy, I could barely eat, someone had to get food for me, I couldn't get her calm, couldn't interact or participate in anything- I couldn't even sit at the table with everyone else, then I had to leave early as well. I realized I could have enjoyed this even if she wasn't with me. This was on Tuesday. And I finally realized that this is how the next several years will be. I have taken her to other stuff, I went to a hangout with friends for the first time since I had a baby, I spent all my time taking care of a baby, it didn't really bother me. Even at the other pre-wedding event where I had to bring her (before the bridal shower event) it still didn't really bother me.

What happened on Friday is I missed most of the dancing and stuff that happened because I got to leave early while my husband stayed. I was upset for this reason, how he does the minimum help (I will give him credit for taking her for one hour and giving me time to eat). But still says I'm a mother so I'm not allowed to enjoy anything now. I was looking forward to this kind of wedding as I've never been to one before but I missed mostly everything.

The other thing that bothered me was how little effort my husband put into our wedding celebration since we got married during covid. We did a wedding celebration last year to make up for not being able to invite anyone to our wedding. It was nice but it seemed like we ran out of money when it came to the decorations and alot of things I didn't like. I paid for more than half of the wedding and he didn't take the things I wanted seriously. He has off and on promised a wedding in his home country for his family (and paid for by his family) since none of them could come for our celebration and it's the culture to have a celebration. After I completely missed out on and didnt know I wanted a real wedding in my first marriage, I wanted to go all out for my second. Instead it left a bad taste.

The other thing is they actually love each other or at least it's so early in the relationship and she has lots of friend who go out of their way to do nice stuff for her that they did alot of cutesy activities at the bridal shower and the wedding and the party after the wedding as well.

I went into this marriage unsure if I wanted it but knew I needed out of my current life and this was the only way out. He had some red flags and was emotionally and verbally abusive in the 6 months we knew each other before he proposed to me. So seeing someone in love with someone, especially at the place where I am now in the marriage, hurts.

I've been mentally ill my entire life, I only started getting friends after I divorced my ex. I have poor social skills from not having friends my entire teenage years. I had to ask some friends to do stuff for me like a bachelorette and what not. I paid for dresses, hair, makeup, and a limo to and from the venue for my bridesmaids, $3000 of my own money. Nobody did that kind of cutesy stuff for me.

But she made an effort to include me and has made an effort to get to know me since they got engaged, she included me in almost all her pre-wedding events, she didn't have to do that. The only reason she knows I exist is my husband and his best friend have a very intense friendship. They literally have no other really good friends besides each other, have known each other since high school (15 years) and have lived with each other for 10 years as roommates in college, grad school, and various moves to different countries and across the country. They are literally at each others apartments/houses almost every day- that has only recently changed since he got engaged. Apparently he listens to her and care for her opinion, whereas my husband tells me I do whatever he wants/says like it or not but I'm not supposed to tell people he behaves this way. His response is to tell me I'm so nice and understanding compared to most women- but it is nice to not have to deal with him for half a day.

Regardless the wedding. After, I was frustrated and upset. My husband's way of helping is to tell me to shut up, threaten to divorce me, and tell me to behave.

It escalated into my "last warning". There were some compromises discussed, but I doubt he will ever follow through with them.

#bad relationships #my diary #diary entry #online diary #tumblr diary

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rotten-dog-teeth · 9 months

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The last 1.5 - 2 years

Everyone gets a lump of clay when they're born, and that is everything that makes them a person: their name, gender, style, taste in music, hobbies, likes, dislikes, motivations, aspirations, opinions, etc

As they grow, they shape and mould that piece of clay

Then around late 2020/early 2021, I began to spiral into my paranoia, anxiety, depression, and so many other mental health issues, and essentially had what I can only describe as a mental breakdown

It was like my clay went dry and unmouldable

I thought of what I would do with my clay once I was able to dampen it again

But that took a long time

Eventually, I had my depressive episode, probably after my brain killing itself from exhaustion from the mental breakdown and everything that came with it. It was exhausting after all.

When that happened, it was like my piece of clay began to fall apart

Now, it was completely normal for pieces of people's clay to fall off, such as during an identity crisis, or a big change in their life, etc, and they would just work to re-attach it

But my pieces wouldn't go back on

And I started to lose track of my pieces

Until eventually, after maybe... 5 months?

I had nothing left

My clay was gone, as if faded away, or taken away from me piece by piece

I had lost everything. I didn't feel like a person anymore - I wasn't a person anymore.

I had lost everything that made me a person. No name, no identity, no motivation, no reason for anything

Even my ability to function on a basic human level, like brushing my teeth, showering, eating, drinking, sleeping, getting dressed, etc

Gone

I felt like nothing. I felt nothing. Just empty. I was empty and felt empty.

And I have been spending the last 1.5 - 2 years trying to build myself back up

But I've only been getting tiny pieces at a time

Everyone's clay is roughly 10cm in diameter

Mine is currently 6cm at the very best, but that's probably pushing it a little

And I can't get myself to mould it in a way that feels right

I don't know what to do

I've never had to start from the beginning before

And I mean, I know what my lump of clay used to look like before it fell apart, but even before it fell apart, it was cracked and chipped, having been dry and hard for over a year

And it feels wrong to just... continue

I'm not great with change, sure, but that's not why it feels so wrong I don't think

I think it feels wrong because your clay changes shape as you grow, so to have just skipped a large portion of time in which it would have developed just feels wrong

I feel like I have this pathological need to mould my clay to be exactly as it was before it cracked and began to fall apart, so that I can do all the stuff and change it as I planned to when I couldn't do anything with it

And then... I can change, and grow, and continue on in my life

But I don't have enough clay yet

And I'm not that person anymore

Or at least not entirely, or not in the same way

So I can't recreate what my clay once looked like, and even if I could, it wouldn't feel like it was exactly as it was...

Because it wasn't what I felt like I wanted it to look like anymore

But I couldn't change it because I hadn't developed it yet

And people have said things about how odd it is, and how I've probably just misplaced my clay, and how I should mould my clay, as if they know me better than I know myself, and they feel like it's their job to mould my clay for me

But this just stresses me out and upsets me further

Because not only can I not mould my clay, but other people are trying to take it away from me again so that they can make it their own

But it's my clay

And it hurts so bad for people to try to take it away or mould it for me

In a way that is so viscerally distressing and upsetting that it just makes me want to break down and cry all over again

I'm trying to mould my clay to look how I want it to, but honestly, I don't really know what that looks like right now

And usually when that happens, I just leave my clay be for a little bit while I think about it and figure it out

But I don't have anything to leave be, so I have nothing to go off of.

I think it's going to be a long time until my clay looks right. It'll take years to mould it back up and be happy with it, and even then, there'll always be this little bit of it that I just can never get right, because I know that it's not what it was meant to be

But I don't know what to do or how

#🌱 speaks #🌱 writes #viscera #for therapy

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grievediary · 10 months

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6/7/23

23:19

Today has been a day of recovery still; just want to talk about some things I've been thinking about.

It's been a hard week. Some good things have happened recently though. I got a job for the summer (and hopefully a bit beyond, if I can manage my schedule well), and secured a place volunteering in a research lab, to start hopefully sometime in mid-July.

I got extremely sick on Monday, where I woke up with a super sore (started feeling it Sunday?) throat that got progressively worse through the day til I ended up with an excruciating headache, full body muscle aches, and intermittent nausea. I thought it was the flu but now perhaps just a viral bug, because the worst symptoms were that night and I've been getting better every day, though it was really, really awful. Last time I felt anything near that was two years ago where I got so sick I called 999 because I thought I was going to die.. hah. I remember phoning him and trying not to cry, because I just wanted a parents reassurance and felt so alone and like such a child. I felt it again that day.

I ended up sitting in the bathroom shaking, and I stuck three fingers down my throat to make myself throw up finally to try and get the nausea to go away. I vomited twice, the only meal I had that day and it was as disgusting and awful as every other time I've thrown up. Truly I think it's the worst physical experience. I ended up back in bed, feeling so cold but sweating and restless and I was waking near every 30 minutes in a state of near-delirium. Didn't think I'd be able to sleep more than an hour straight through but I think my body was so exhausted it just sort of gave up. Sore throat, headaches, no apetite still for days after, but I had a proper meal again on day three, so there's that. Eating more today too, though it's not enjoyable. Had to call out of work but hoping to make it into my shift tomorrow.

I also start moving out tomorrow. I want to say it's annoying, but ultimately I think it just saddens me. Moving itself isn't really a big deal, I think I just get tired of this impermanence, the repeated transitions and largely the reminder that I do it primarily alone, and I'm alone because he died and I have few friends. It's hard to think about.

I also had therapy yesterday. We went over an international trauma questionnaire, and I'm supposed to get some feedback on during the next session, but I did look it up after and read through the assessment criteria. I think it stands to reason that I may have CPTSD. I've suspected this for some time now, but thinking of it actually being concrete, my current reality, has been very jarring. Also quite upsetting.

I've been thinking a lot about loss again. Loss of family, friends, and thinking about past experiences that won't be repeated. People I most likely won't ever see again. Conversations that won't happen. Love that I can't make known. It's been really hard.

Being unwell meant I've been on bedrest and it's meant my mental health started to slide. I've been feeling distanced from friends, though one has been reaching out to me every day to ask how I am and if I need anything, and that's been really really nice. Still I wish I had more friends, more connections. Could feel like I'm cared for more often, because it feels so extremely rare. That people's care for me is made known, and I really feel it. I wish it wasn't like this. It's like at moments I reverted to being a child again, sick and wanting nothing more than to be nurtured, taken care of completely but the harsh reality and overarching background is that I won't ever experience that again, and I don't think I'll experience anything similar to it either.

I think I'd like to let myself be open to a soft and careful love. I'm deathly afraid that it's never ever going to happen.

I talked about being tired, in therapy, about feeling it both mentally and physically. I have felt psychologically tired for a very long time. Every day takes energy and effort that I think should be impossible for me to gather. This quote, by Anaïs Nin -

Life requires an effort I cannot make.

Yeah.

#entry #i think there was supposed to be some structure to this but i lost track #i think its time to go to bed

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junjunsart · 10 months

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This is a rant on my current feelings about something that's happening irl just fyi

•

Honestly don't know why I'm so upset that we can't go back to the way things used to be I should be over it but ig not...

Here comes another crying session

Yippee for me🤩

Ig it really is bad to look at the past when it hurts to know how much things have changed... I get so sick anytime I think about it... It's not good for me.... Your not good for me... Your really not.... But I can't say that or else you'll find a way to criticize what I say about you

Or you'll get mad for "not telling you sooner"... Sorry I over think but I can't do that can I...? Idk why I'm crying over someone who obviously has hidden motives... I mean... I've only known you for a year... And yet I already feel like a shit person because of what I think is right and wrong.... I mean hell I try to act like your friend even after everything that happened and I mention one wrong thing and then you stop talking to me get mad at me for stupid reasons that aren't related and then think you know everything about me... You don't... You really don't... And hey maybe now you believe me when I say I'm not a good person... You really should've fucking listened

But hey it's fine right? Anything I say you won't ever hear unless you see this

Even then you probably will get mad and pissed off for me venting and not telling you

But how am I supposed to do that? Really how?

You know how you said you were scared of someone spreading rumors about you to the friend group?

Guess what

I'm scared of you doing that too me

Got a problem with it?

Fine by me

Fuck I can't believe I started crying over our old messages I mean why would I cry for someone who I believe doesn't fully fucking care

I don't know why I still care about you I don't know why I cared at all

My biggest regret is dating you... Maybe if we didn't date none of this would've happened maybe I should've kept my mouth shut and just treated you like a friend...

I should've done exactly that but... I was willing to fully feel something I hadn't felt before but... It never worked out..

I dreamt of us together so much too but... I guess I was giving myself false hope... I just... I can't do it anymore...

I can't pretend that I'm ok being near you when we have such a big fight like this... I can't... It's giving me anxiety and inner Turmoil..... I... I just fucking can't do it anymore...

I can't be around anyone anymore... I just.... I can't having the fear that you might say something... I probably won't talk to anyone next year... I'll be distant.... Very distant... I just... I can't mentally do this rodeo anymore... I'm tired and I'm fucking exhausted

It's so bad that I'm afraid of talking to C and W.... If I tell them something will they tell you? Or tell me what you told them? I don't know anymore.....

I'm so done with feeling like this.... I don't think I'll ever come back to the friend group after this.... But it's fine... The internet is my safe space.... So is my room and the walls of my home.... Away from anything and anyone...

Maybe one day I'll find the courage to reach out again but I can't anymore... Not when every time we have a fight I get this feeling of dread in my stomach letting it pool into it like it's being filled with it until I make myself physically sick from it... I hate feeling so much fear in my own body that I can't function like normal... Guess I'm afraid of you.... If you wanted that good job... You fucking achieved something even my dad hasn't gotten too....

I guess this is my last good bye to you... Maybe.... I'll probably forget about my feelings by tomorrow as a self defense mechanism but.... Well see...

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voirists · 1 year

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This is the picture I have as my profile on one of my socials.

Just a lot of tired rambling beneath the cut. Descriptions of not so great parenting and insinuated queerphobia, I guess?

Today my mother that I see once a year (and i'm very happy for those circumstances. 7 days a year are torture enough) called me on my dad's phone since she knew I wouldn't pick up if I saw her number to inquire about it. Or rather, interrogate me about it.

Her last update was me insinuating I had a girlfriend (which I didn't. I did say it out of spite though, since I'm afab and my mom is enough of a fucking queerphobe, she insists on disrespecting me in all ways possible and still hasn't managed to call me by the right names or pronouns even once without mocking me off the ends of the earth) and that nearly gave her an aneurysm, so I quite enjoyed not correcting her about that. That was nearly two years ago.

I also have never, never, ever brought up Pedro or anything of the like to her because she will never see any of his things on her own (she's kind of extremist old-fashioned when it comes to electronics and media too, what a shocker) and her favorite pastime is destroying the things I enjoy and making me miserable.

For some reason, she saw this picture today (I've had it for months) and her first thought was that this is a picture I took of my (non-existent) boyfriend. So she called me to complain that

1. Why doesn't she know about him? Clearly, we are best friends and she loves me oh so much and god, I am such a terrible daughter who just wants to make her miserable, what did I ever do to you? She's incredibly upset that I would not share these things with her (gasp) and she wants to meet him. I literally live in a different country. There are over ten hours of a drive between us (and thank fuck for that, physical distance is the only thing stopping her from randomly showing up on my doorstep and ruining my week and instantly making my mental health skyrocket 50 feet beneath the ground).

2. I seem to have fun. He seems to have fun. God forbid I have joy in my life that she can't get a chance to ruin and make about herself.

3. I am terrible with photography. Why is this picture so blurry? Also, he looks older. Have I finally realized the whole queer thing is just to make her suffer and myself special so I don't feel so worthless? Having a man put me in my place is just what I need, because clearly I'm still in my rebellious stage, thinking I don't want to see her every weekend.

4. She's also calling to remind me that it's mother's day, I owe it to her to celebrate her special day and she's so upset I didn't get her a week-long trip to Italy for two (that I wouldn't even be invited to) as a present. It's not like I'm barely paying rent and am lucky to have 20 bucks left at the end of a month.

And every time, she's fucking surprised as if it was big news that I'm not really into spending time with her as her metaphorical and literal punching bag, door mat and therapist. I wonder why that is. For fucks sake.

I am currently very tempted to photoshop myself into pictures with Pedro and putting them as my profile on that social she's apparently now stalking, slowly getting more unhinged until she's so fucking offended by it, she won't try to call me any longer out of pure disgust.

Apparently "Oh god, yes please" is not the right answer to her threat of putting me in therapy and going no contact because I'm so fucking horrible and bullying her by being myself and not giving a shit about her opinion anymore. I would have gotten myself therapy fucking years ago if I could afford it, and this is a very weird attempt to control a full ass adult who lives in a whole other country.

#sigh #nomad rambles #i don't even fucking know #just typing it out can be kinda nice sometimes

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posts-for-when-im-high · 1 year

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Tried redownloading Instagram recently and I have some thoughts....

I originally deleted it because of the endless void of pointless, time-wasting, brain-rotting Reels. I finally realized it was actively harming my (admittedly, already terrible) mental health. It's the same reason I don't have, and never will have Tik Tok. If I have endless content to scroll through in my free time, I'm going to. I'm bored easily and full of Mental Illness™️. Yes Tumblr is my home and I have dedicated far more years to this hellsite (affectionate) than any human should. Look at the way I type, for fuck's sake. But I have curated this hellsite over the span of quite a few years to cater to me: Blacklisting/filtering tags and content I don't want to see. Unfollowing and blocking people LIBERALLY, and without the burden of knowing them in real life. Only following juuuust enough blogs to make it so I can scroll and catch up to where I had last left off without wasting too much time. There is no """"algorithm"""" to speak of.

In less than an hour, I had inadvertently turned my Instagram "Explore" page into an infinite, hate-spewing, emotionally distressing flood of Reels.

It started off innocently enough. I was watching a video of a woman with a service dog listening to a mother teach her young daughter about why she couldn't pet the dog ("he's working, sweetie; his vest says 'Please Don't Touch'"). Then it started showing me videos of some not-as-friendly people interacting with service dogs; harassing, petting, disregarding the owner's pleas and nervous explanations about why their dog can't be distracted on duty. This progressed further, to videos of "Emotional Support Animals" who were CLEARLY not trained in any professional capacity, barking at/attacking actual service dogs. And if this wasn't upsetting enough, the videos then began to depict rude strangers harassing people in public about anything and everything. In roughly 43 minutes, I had a brand new, clean-slate algorithm actually PROMOTE TO ME a video of a self-titled TERF verbally assaulting a trans woman in a restaurant.

Many people have said it before me in a far more eloquent manner than my current brain can muster, but this is why people are able to transition so quickly into hateful individuals. It is APPALLING how little time it took for me to want to throw my whole phone in the garbage. I've worked so hard to truly curate my online experience into something I enjoy, and can handle on a regular basis. I tell everyone I know: "Use the Block button FREELY!!!! Filter out content you don't like!!! Blacklist tags you don't want to see, even if it's because you don't like spoilers, or you don't know your mutual's current hyperfixation Blorbo of the Week!!!" It should be NATURAL and EASY to unfollow content you aren't comfortable with! Even if I erase my history on Instagram, or delete and then redownload the app, it doesn't mean this won't happen again!! It happens all the time, all around the world, to the MILLIONS of people using Instagram, or Tik Tok, or Twitter, or ANY social media site without proper community guidelines.

It makes me really upset to think about how easy it is to turn someone into a cruel, uncaring person, and how hard it is to turn them towards kindness instead.

#to clarify: the videos were mostly from the people who were being harassed and NOT the rude people #Kayleigh rants #sorry y'all I'm high as hell and overly-caffeinated I needed to get that out of my brain #apologies too if the formatting is weird #i exclusively use mobile #obviously these videos are good to inform the public what disabled/LBGT+/ minority individuals go through #but I've tried to filter my content so I DONT see upsetting things #I'm small and easily saddened.#idk man sometimes people just suck real bad #long post #tw: terf mention

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enter-venter · 1 year

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22/01/23

I never considered that my life might turn out to be a sad one. But the more I think of it, the more I realise.

I don't see any friends anymore. Because I can't.

I'm not respected or frankly liked at my job.

Duncan left me and will never love me again but I can't stop loving him.

I have no direction, nothing I want to do with my life.

Everyday I do nothing.

The highlight of my day is talking to Duncan, but that just reminds me that I mean so much less to him than he does me.

I'm earning money but what for. A house eventually I guess. But where. Am I trapped up here forever now? I miss home. The south. The opposite side of the country to Duncan.

If he said the words, I'd make him my life. I'd forsake everything for him.

He's inconsiderate to me, lacks empathy and compassion, looks down on me. Why doesn't he love me anymore. What did I do wrong. He's beautiful, kind, funny, smart.

I'm stupid, unattractive, directionless, boring.

I thought I might've had something good. I might've had someone to devote myself to, a purpose. A reason.

And I was just never any of that to him. I was just something nice for a short period of time.

I can never inspire him to my aid. If he is sad or upset, I rush to support him. If I am, I'm met with silence. "What do you want me to say?" "There isn't really anything I can say." "That's just the reality..."

Shit and consoling. Would give a child an existential crisis if he tried consoling them over a scraped knee. Almost affronted at people being sad in his presence. "That's life." Piss off.

I'll die alone. No friends. No family. I'm the youngest and will outlive all my current family. I will never marry or have children of my own. I will end up on an acute mental health ward an elderly woman with no loved ones to visit her and no future. No matter how hard I try, I will never be the happy person my 10yr old self dreamed about being.

I do everything right, I am kind, I am caring, I am beautiful, I am devoted, and no one wants my devotion. No one wants my vow. No one wants to share life with me. Am I supposed to be alone til death?

No aspirations, no talent, no lover, no friends, I have family but one day they will all pass, and I will be alone.

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shxxtingstxxs · 1 year

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Deserved Update (READ TO THE END, IMPORTANT):

Hello. I wasn't dead, I just... I had some issues. I haven't been entirely honest with any of you.

As you may know from majority of my posts. I vent alot. And usually it leads to nothing good. I push away others because of my own mental state, I don't trust many people (And that is a issue I'm working on.) and when I become friends or mutuals with other people I tend to get attached. It stems from abandonment issues.

I actually was taking some time off to reflect and I decided I wish to not roleplay, on this account. I can't manage 10 accounts at once. I guess from all the stress I have piled up at once I kinda snapped.

I didn't decide to make Rose transgender (reasoning being, that the idea was stupid and that it will take a lot of reworking to do.) but she did become Comet. I myself identify as transgender (I have issues with transphobia in my family rn and they aren't willing to use my proper name and pronouns and I feel extremely disrespected.)

I normally don't make such long update posts, but I am not enjoying tumblr anymore, I keep getting drama started on my main. For NO REASON. I don't provoke drama on my own accord (I used to do that for petty reasons.). On my Main someone accused me of glorifying an ED I have because my name contains the name in it.

It was one person that decided to harass me and I... I can't stand this site. I stepped away from this site for a couple of reasons. One mainly being, I wanted to kickstart my career as an VA, Writer, Singer and Songwriter.

I have been depressed for awhile now, and I barely could do anything without getting upset. Most of my reluctancy to rp with anyone and send in asks stems from the fact that I cannot send in asks. I can't even form the will to do anything.

I appreciate all the support you've given me through this tough times, I am still alive and well, I currently have no mutuals. (I lost 2 of my mutuals because I generally have social anxiety and awkwardness and my Autism and trauma makes it to where I can say some fucked up shit.) I don't really care about it anymore. Roleplaying on here used to be so fun and engaging but losing everything made it so... Useless.

I have no real reason to even be here anymore. I stay because everyone wants me to. I want to make people happy. Everyone just blocks me or assumes I'm bad news when I have IDEAS. I normally tend to suffer from trauma and I incorporate it into my works of fiction.

But then again...

That's not how the story goes.

I am not going to sit here and pretend that I'm fine when I'm not.

I'm airing my issues out and saying.

"I'm sorry."

I'm sorry I can't be a good partner to you guys or actually reach out. But no matter the amount of apologizes I give, I can't recover my follower account.

I'm scared to look at it now.

If you're wondering what's going to happen on this account, I'm still roleplaying on Tumblr but my main is where I am active so follow @2cvri0vs4u. Its my side blog on my main so I can see and respond to roleplays. Please forward roleplays there.

I can't keep doing this anymore. Roleplaying on here fucked with me and got me to the point where I lost my friends and greed took over.

I might end roleplaying for awhile, I dunno.

#🗣️ || oh my oh my oh my god · mun speaks

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moonlit-flowerfield · 2 years

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So uh

I woke up crying this morning

And drew what I would assume falls under the category of "vent comic/vent art"

This is 100% going to be upsetting.

And normally I'd post this to my vent blog, but if for some reason this blows up big, I'd rather it not be on the blog of my darkest moments written for the world to see.

Under the Read More will be the comic and explanation.

CW for under cut: Trauma talk, sexual assault talk, death, mental abuse, religious trauma, and suicidal thoughts.

Please DON'T read if you aren't going to be able to handle. Don't just click to see the art.

I'm gonna preface this with I am a mental abuse victim (I have no viable option of escape currently but I'm still looking) who also suffers normal anxiety. Early in Summer of 2022, I lost my emotional support animal, who was one of the only things keeping me alive (depressing, I know).

For the first 20 years of my life (I'm 21 during the year of 2022, turning 22 in Jan 2023), my narcissistic father ruined my life, along side bullies. I cannot remember my elementary school years really. I have vague good moments, but I can't remember anything else. I vaguely remember middle school, but only because it was an arts middle school, so I had a lot of fun in the non-academic classes and I met my #1 favourite teacher there. High school, I hardly remember my freshman year and I wish I could forget the others because of the trauma I had. I graduated on my 20th birthday, in a house that wasn't my family's that we got kicked out of because my dad.

He lost his job because of a foot injury that required 2 surgeries. He broke his foot and ultimately lost workman's comp for it since they deemed it to be purely the fact that he had a high arch. He, for around 5 years now, claimed (and is still claiming) that he looked for a job. He was not. He was to high and mighty to go get a job a Burger King or Kwik Trip. These past 2 years, he's been taking care of his mom (88 or something, one lung, on oxygen and almost literally just skin and bones). For a while, he was alone with her, so it was a little more understandable why he wasn't looking.

My mom and I went to Arizona because my other Nana was there. We helped out. My own step-grandpa (my mom's stepdad) sexually assaulted me. My nana, upon hearing this, confronted him and came back saying "well he wasn't drunk, so..." I was told to go with her and my mom out everywhere.

I would have been fine with this if it didn't include church. My dad, when I was like 7, made my cry in front of LDS missionaries because I didn't have a 'good enough reason" to be baptized into the church. Despite saying that's where I felt safe and where I felt the spirit (whatever spirit I felt left me alone after that). I refused to go to any church events if I could help it. (One Christmas, I felt sick, so I said I wasn't going to church and my dad threatened to give my Christmas presents away if I didn't go. Because I felt like I was going to throw up.)

I went once, stayed in flight/freeze mode the whole time, even getting to the point of asking my brother to look up things on a phone call to try and figure out the fucking wifi password so I could connect to my rocks. Needless to say, I didn't calm from my panic until about an hour after getting home. The next week, I said I wouldn't go, and I'd stay hidden in the bedroom. My nana told me (after a while of explaining why I wouldn't go) "if something happens, it's your fault then."

My mental state deteriorated harshly. I was using dating apps to get out of the house, hoping I'd find a rescue. Turns out one I thought was a rescue was just a different cage. He love bombed me (using presents, affection and other forms of romantic language to make you stay and gain control), and when I need space to think, bombarded my mom and I with calls. It wasn't pretty.

My mom told me after I blocked him on my things that he was also trying to tell her how to talk to me (big red flag, bitch). I won't say much else.

My cat passed away after that. He fought 1 full day for staying alive in pain, unable to breath and move. We took him to a vet to put him down. With the first sedative, he was gone. He didn't even have any bodily fluids to get out. I was broken.

Through this time, I had a few friends helping me. Waba, Bennie, Ami, Cat... But it still felt like I shouldn't be alive. Because all I did was bother and drop bombs of emotions on people.

I wrote a fic, sometime around this time, about wanting to jump and drown in a lake, but being talked out of it. I used the Sanders Sides characters Patton and Janus to represent me and Ami - my saving grace that night.

Then, in August 2022, I moved to Boston. Well, close to Boston, anyway. I'm living with my deadbeat narcissist father, my mom, and my dad's mom.

It's torture. I'm practically trapped inside because my nana worries so much, I have no friends locally that I haven't met online through Bumble (and that is still a meager 1 person who has to come from Salem to my place), I can't seem to get a job for many reasons. The biggest and worst thing is I can't own a pet because we can't afford it. And I really need a service dog, if I'm honest.

I feel lost, broken, numb, alone, among other even more depressing thoughts. I can't count how many times I've wanted the "courage" to grab a knife and end it all.

Over all? I just don't see the point. Unless you have a claim to fame, money, or a chance higher than the international average at either - you basically don't matter to society other than to be a stepping stone for those who do. And your chances decrease about 50% if you aren't what society wants. A queer autistic agender person who has a rather long list of mental disorders and an even longer list of possible physical issues? If I can get to a point where I can even remember to stream on my schedule for a week, I'd be lucky. And that's when I have a place to stream.

I woke up in tears because the one thing in my life that really helped me find a light died and I can't even go visit his grave because he's buried somewhere in the Arizonan desert.

I can't take it.

I just. Can't. Do things. Anymore.

I'm not okay and I can't find the strength to change that.

#long post #vent #vent art #mental health #sorry

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alchemania · 3 years

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Barbara, and Bennett: Toxic Positivity (and how they each exude it)

While it's easy to spot negative toxic behavior, toxic positivity can be harder to recognize and pin down. In this blog, I am going to analyze 2 characters in Genshin and explain just how they show traits of toxic positivity. (I originally was going to include Jean, but I already covered her in an earlier blog so it'd just be redundant)

Barbara Page

Barbara is all smiles and sunshine, trying her best to ensure that everyone is happy. However; she does this to an unhealthy degree and often does not prioritize her emotional wellbeing.

#1: Forcing herself to always be happy.

Barbara's story lines state that she "only allows herself to be depressed for 30 seconds" and that after that, she basically puts on a smile; regardless of what she's actually feeling. She often talks about how good everyone is to her, and I honestly believe that Barbara invalidates her own depression because in her eyes; she has a good life and there's no "reason" for her to be sad, plus if she was sad then everyone else would feel down. She hasn't experienced anything traumatic, so how can she have the right to be depressed? But the thing is, she has: her parents divorced when she was young; and Barbara grew up apart from Jean, leading to a lack of a relationship between the two. While the divorce, based on Jean's story lines, did not seem to have a lot of negativity around it (from what I can tell Simon and Frederica actually split on amiable terms, they just fell out of love with each other), it still affected Barbara in a negative way and no doubt she is hurting from it but she's not acknowledging her pain. All trauma is not the same, this is true. But all trauma IS valid; just because someone is hurting less doesn't mean they're NOT hurting and Barbara needs to understand that her pain is valid and give herself time to process it.

#2: Lack of emotional boundaries

If there's anything that Jean and Barbara have in common besides both being healers, it's that they're absolutely terrible at saying no. In Barbara's hangout, she feels guilty for avoiding Albert and wanting to be left alone despite being emotionally exhausted and even wants to apologise, despite doing nothing wrong. Later on when her fans ask for autographs; she agrees, despite being off the clock and trying to take a break: Aether has to step in personally to get people to go away, and not only that; he has to lie through his teeth in order to do so. If you tell the NPCs the truth ("Barbara is currently on leave, please don't disturb her",) they'll reply "Oh she's on leave? Perfect time to ask for an autograph!" They don't care about her feelings; all they care about is what she can do for them and the worst part is that Barbara lets them treat her like this. It's so bad that the Knights have to constantly step in and rescue her because folks can't get it in their heads that off the clock =/= available; and Barbara feels like if she can help other people that she needs to; to the detriment of her own needs. She seems to think it's selfish to put herself first; but looking out for yourself emotionally is anything but. It's okay to say no, it's okay to tell people you're not available. Just because you're free doesn't mean you're up to engage and there's nothing wrong with that. But like Sister Victoria says herself; Barbara is too nice. She gives and gives and gives and expects nothing in return, and people take advantage of that.

#3: Undermining herself through constant praise of others

In her hangout, she tells you that besides singing and healing, she doesn't have anything worthwhile about her, and then goes on about how amazing you are, Jean as well. Barbara doesn't acknowledge her positive traits, and then when she vents to you she apologizes for doing so, since you were supposed to be hanging out and having fun. She puts a lot of her worth in comparison to what other people can DO, and not actual character. Barbara is a lovely person: she's sweet and kind and loving, but because she doesn't see herself as physically strong or powerful, she doesn't think she's worth a lot.

Bennett

My GOD, Bennett is like the EPITOME of toxic positivity.

1. Allows others to mistreat him and take out their feelings on him because he feels it's his fault they're suffering (essentially, a martyr complex)

Bennett's hangout is a prime example of this where when Royce got angry, Bennett simply let him yell until you step in. Due to his almost perpetual bad luck, he feels that he's responsible for the misfortune of the people around him and since he can't physically do anything about it, he attempts to "atone" by letting himself be emotionally assaulted.

He also puts himself in physical danger to keep other people safe (he figures since he's already unlucky, might as well suffer a little more if it means everybody else is okay, right?), and accepts abandonment as the norm since he's a liability. Bennett does not value his wellbeing whatsoever due to constantly being in danger and he seems to be of the mentality "If I'm going to die, at least let me die protecting everybody" and that immensely upsets me that a KID, who's probably no older than 17, is already considering his mortality.

#2: Not allowing himself to process negative emotion

Just like Barbara, Bennett constantly forces himself to always keep a smile on, only in his case it's more to keep himself from getting overwhelmed about his situation. It's heavily implied in his story that Bennett is afraid that he could die any day (and I don't blame him) and so he lives hard and fast because he feels he doesn't have a lot of time. He's cheated death MULTIPLE times (he almost died as a baby, and he almost died prior to receiving his Vision), and Bennett more than likely feels that one day, he's not going to get lucky enough to escape again; and he'll actually die. His life is an entire string of misfortune and unlike Barbara and her parents divorce, Bennett is aware of this trauma: he simply chooses to take it in stride and forces himself to stay upbeat. Which is just as bad as letting negative emotion completely overwhelm him, it's literally just the other ditch.

Bennett also seems very sad about the fact that his team abandoned him but he doesn't let himself process that either (if you respond angrily to the revelation that his teammates left he'll jump to defend them and insist "they had their reasons"- and that may be true, but that doesn't invalidate the trauma and sadness of being left behind because of something you literally cannot control). Similar to Diluc, Bennett is sort of an Atlas of his own right, but instead of carrying all of Mondstat on his shoulders he's shouldering his emotional wellbeing: he refuses to vent to anyone and bottles everything up because he doesn't want to be a burden; but in doing so he's only hurting himself in the long run.

(Thank God for Razor though it seems like he might be hanging around for the long haul and that makes me immensely happy. I could cry. Please don't let anything bad happen to him and Bennett they deserve friendship)

I'm going to go off the beaten path a bit here but, to all you guys reading this; please remember that:

1. Your trauma is valid, regardless of how "lesser" you think it might be.

2. You are not obligated to give yourself emotionally to other people if you are not up to it. You cannot give what you do not have, and if you're not 100% emotionally wise, you really shouldn't be taking on any more negative energy. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. If people can't respect that then they're not worth your time. Set emotional boundaries and don't budge for anyone. The people who are meant to stay will honor your boundaries.

3. It's okay to be sad! And it's okay to be sad and have no idea why. It doesn't matter if you have a 'good life,' depression doesn't care who you are or where you are on your walk of life and sometimes it hits like a truck. Your sadness is valid and don't be afraid to take the time you need to acknowledge and process your negative emotions.

Please take care of yourselves, friends; and be safe.

Have a good day. 💗

#bennett #barbara page #did i get a little choked up writing this? YES. yes i did.#seriously guys you don't have to be a shoulder all the time.. it's okay to lean on other people. ok?#genshin impact

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