#I am valid all though my year long phase is starting to die down so maybe I might be able to grow out my hair in 2024

[petalpetal]

Shout out to the girlies with bald spots you are valid!!!!!

#this also means me because of trich #I am valid all though my year long phase is starting to die down so maybe I might be able to grow out my hair in 2024

[stevetonygames]

Spotlight Post: Canon Soulmate Bonds

Yooo, this is a blog takeover, Mizzy here, ready to champion one of my favourite fictional causes: canonical soulbonds in the Marvel universe.

We all love a good soulbond fic. Words on your body, names on your wrist, red string of fate...so many glorious versions, and all of them *completely awesome*. The problem sometimes with starting a soulbond fic, though, can be all the worldbuilding required to make it work. But what if I was to tell you that no worldbuilding was necessary? That you could technically write a soulbond fic without having to set it in an Alternate Universe? What if you could set your soulbond fic *directly in main canon?*

Marvel 616 delivers you a canonical soulbond mechanic… not once… but at least *twice*. There could be more. There’s a lot of comics to go through and I’m only smol. But here’s the two I know about and I’m here to introduce you to today. :)

The was a ripple of mild confusion around fandom when Kevin Feige announced that the Eternals were getting a title movie in the next phase of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Created by Jack Kirby in the 1970s, in a wild combination of mythological fascination and spite at DC comics for not letting him finish his New Gods saga, the Eternals were an offshoot of humanity, created by the Celestials for humanity’s protection; this reason for their existence would lead them into their ongoing conflict against the deadly Deviants. There have been a few Eternals runs (notably one run by Neil Gaiman, which did not serve to bring the Eternals the commercial success Marvel was searching for with the title, that nevertheless remains the most fun and accessible Eternals volume), but they’ve not yet really reached wide-reaching traction among even the most die-hard comic fans. The MCU might change that, and here’s hoping, because I love these nearly-immortal idiots, and I’m hoping not to be alone in that for much longer. :D

But even my Eternals-happy soul has to admit, Eternals canon for the most part is dense and can be convoluted, and the spellings—both of their character names and one of the main fun parts of their existence, the Mahd W’yry—are enough to give one a headache. The idea of the Eternals is that they’re long-lived and have interacted with human history over the years in various impactful ways. You might think at first glance that you’ve never heard of the Eternals Sersi, Ikaris, Makkari, but I think you wouldn’t find Circe, Icarus, or Mercury unfamiliar names.

The Mahd W’yry is a symptom of the Eternals being so long-living. In order to stop them going insane, the Eternals have to bond into something known as the Uni-Mind, which basically squishes all their consciousnesses together into one, where they can share memories and blend temporarily into one mind. Regularly bonding into the Uni-Mind allows them to stave off the Mahd W’yry. (Yep, that’s just a headache-inducing spelling of ‘mad worry’, we know.)

Anyway, did you need to know all this? Eh, maybe, a little bit of canned backstory is always handy for you to briefly glance over and promptly forget. Because along with some dense mythological adventures, some glorious angsting across beautiful landscapes, and that ability to turn into a big massive floating brain, the Eternals also gave us a beautiful gift:

The Gann Josin.

In Avengers #361, Ikaris comes down to Earth and decides that Sersi needs to be bonded to Dane Whitman, an Avenger who canonically didn’t have any powers, he was just a *really good guy*, destined for tragedy. Honestly. That’s his bio. Really good guy. Destined for tragedy. The character creation in the 90s was peak talent. Dane, sadly, was in love with another woman, but did this matter to Ikaris? No. Apparently the Eternals don’t know about the dangers of letting himbos like Ikaris have life-changing powers, like the ability to create the Uni-Mind. 

Because the power to control the Uni-Mind also gives an Eternal the power to form a Gann Josin bond. And that’s what Ikaris does in Avengers #361—he forces a Gann Josin bond on Eternal Sersi and tragic human Avenger Dane Whitman.

Gann Josin (sometimes Gan-Josin because what is spelling continuity in Marvel comics) is both the name of the bond, and the title given to an Eternal and their chosen life-mate. It has a bunch of cool side effects. Both Gann Josins get glowing full-red eyes. It’s a really intimate tiny form of the Uni-Mind (without the part where you become a big floating brain), and creates a small scale mental union. The Gann Josin bond makes the Eternal and their partner lifelong soulmates. As the bond progresses, it creates a telepathic/empathic bond that strengthens in time. According to the Eternal Sprite, humans are rarely chosen by Eternals for the Gann Josin.

Now, Dane Whitman does manage to break the Gann Josin several issues later. But… it’s not easy. It’s rare. When Dane manages it, it is called an “astounding act.” It’s pretty dang hard, in other words. There’s every chance your chosen Gann Josins won’t have the mental fortitude of Dane Whitman to break it. (Although, we’re talking about Steve and Tony, and are there any bigger stubborn idiots in the universe? Probably not.)

But Mizzy, I hear you saying. I don’t want to write about Ikaris, even if he is a party king and that sounds pretty nifty. I don’t know anything about the Eternals and I don’t want to go down that gnarly rabbit hole.

That’s totes fine, my friend. I am here to save you. Because in very recent canon, during Jason Aaron’s turn at the helm, the Eternals are all dead. Very dead. That whole Mahd W’yry thing got ‘em, it got ‘em good. But before Ikaris died, he granted his Uni-Mind power to someone we all know and love.

Yep. Tony Stark. Tony Stark currently has the power of the Uni-Mind.

Which means that Tony Stark can now Gann Josin people.

In Avengers #361, Ikaris performs the Gann Josin by basically just pointing his hands at Sersi and Dane and some light goes WHEEEEEEE!! in their direction, and bam, this rare and special bond is done. And Tony Stark can do that now. To anyone! Unfortunately Ikaris is dead and didn’t leave Tony with an instruction manual. But the point is, he *can*. You can make up all sorts of fun things with this canonical fact (or write your own version because lbr Canon Is Dead; Long Live Canon.)

There are so many possibilities. Does Tony deliberately learn how to use it so he can bond himself to Steve? Does Tony *need* to be able to hear Steve’s thoughts (to thwart some bad guys) and thus end up soulbonded forever to Steve in result? Is Tony’s power activating at random because he can’t control it, and he ends up soulbonding everyone around him? Does he just subconsciously bond himself to Steve without consciously meaning to? Do Tony or Steve want to try it for science?

Gosh, I love comics.

But WAIT. There’s MORE.

It’s not just 1990s comics going ham on the soulbond idea. No, we got some *this year*. Canonical soulbonding? TWICE? In one universe? Two different kinds??

And this time, it’s not in a D-list Marvel title. We’re up the ranks to the big leagues this time, folx, with a brief trek to the world of the Fantastic Four.

In Fantastic Four (Vol. 6) #15, we’re introduced to a Spyre citizen called Sky, a winged team member of the Unparalleled (more cosmic-powered superheroes), who work under The Overseer. (The Overseer, in a burst of beautiful retcon in the way Marvel comics keeps doing to us, is apparently the entity who is responsible for giving the F4 their powers. Huh. The more you know.)

On the planet Spyre, all children are brought before something called The Great Eye. This measures them against the radiation signature of everyone on the planet, divining who their perfect match is. 

Sky looked into The Great Eye, only to find out her match was Johnny Storm, who was 44 light-years away at the time. Long-distance relationships can be tough. Anyway, plot happens, the F4 get stuck on Spyre, get told they can’t leave, and Sky tells Johnny Storm that she is his soulmate. Oh, and she attached a soul binding onto him while he slept. Neat, huh, all the bodily autonomy people get in this universe before being force soulbond to people? So neat, much consent, wow.

Johnny feels a connection to Sky, which is supposed to let us know this lack of choice is a good thing I guess. The Overseer wants Sky to renounce Johnny and crush the F4 which obv doesn’t happen, so of course she leaves The Unparalleled and skips off to Earth to be with Johnny. 

Who knows how this relationship is gonna last. I mean, you can look at the rest of Johnny’s relationship history and have a good guess. Who knows. Anyway, Reed and Sue are each other's soulmate, and also share a “Soul Binding”, so there’s some canonical proof right there that maybe this system has some validity going for it.

The soulbond for this form takes the form of a golden bracelet worn on the upper arm, that Sky explains her people call a “Soul Binding”; it represents them as being soul-mates. This bracelet can only be removed by your soulmate. This soulbond doesn’t seem to come with any extra powers, it’s just to show that The Great Eye has measured their radiation signature and declared them a match that is supposed to mean they’re perfectly compatible in every way: spiritually, mentally, and physically.

I don’t know about you, but I have a pretty good feeling that Steve and Tony might just have matching radiation signatures… Or what if Steve and Tony have perfect matching signatures….with other people? (Someone else on Spyre believes Sky is *their* perfect match, after all!) What if Steve has feelings for Iron Man, but he’s a perfect match with Tony Stark? I feel faint already just thinking about it.

So here you go. Two canonical types of soulbonds for your fannish consideration. Feel free to ask me questions! You can find me on tumblr (@mizzy2k) or on discord (addy#0908).

#stevetonygames #mod post #spotlight post #soulmates

[brittle-bone-gabe]

(This is Reddie-Fangirl24) “I thought you knew.” - Reddie

Sorry this took so long, working in retail right now is a huge bitch. THEN Animal Crossing came out so ya know I had to play that. Thanks for the writing prompt! 

Or you can read on AO3: Here

Richie was pacing back and forth in the medium sized hospital room, the sound of various beeps and footsteps seemed to be all around him. Everything was lowkey overwhelming him, knowing that the love of his life, who he has yet to admit his feelings to, was laying in the single hospital bed with bandages wrapped around his entire torso, so Richie’s anxiety was already through the roof. Thank fuck that he and the Losers had managed to pull him out of that literal hell hole, they only helped Richie after he had begged and pleaded with them to get him out, otherwise he would’ve stayed behind with Eddie. Mike had been the first one to agree with Richie, saying that maybe Eddie was in a coma due to blood loss, getting Bill and Ben in on it too. With their help they managed to save Eddie, it had turned out that Mike was right about him being in a coma, who would’ve guessed. 

The emergency surgery that Eddie had to be put in the moment he arrived at the hospital was nerve wracking for everyone, but none more than for Richie. He refused to leave the waiting area, it felt as though his leg was going to fall off from how much he was bouncing it. The rest of the Losers waited in the waiting room with Richie for about two hours before deciding to head back to the town house, as everyone had an obviously long day. Beverly stuck around for a while longer, making sure Richie was going to be okay. Richie being Richie kept saying he was fine, nothing was wrong, which was bullshit. Even though it’s been twenty-seven years since they’ve seen each other Bev still knows when her best friend is in distress. He was more scared and anxious than he’s ever been in his entire life, hell, not even performing his first sold out show compared to this, Richie had to keep himself from throwing up due to all this anxiety. Hearing that Eddie successfully came out of the surgery with little to no complications was a huge relief, thankfully the stab wound didn’t hit anything vital, although trying to explain a lie that would suffice how Eddie got these injuries was difficult. 

Richie snapped out of his thoughts, stopping his pacing in the middle of the pure white room. It was the first time he actually looked around, new thoughts were crashing in around him as his eyes were starting to burn from the tears that were threatening to fall. This isn’t how he should be meeting Eddie again, not like this… None of this should’ve fucking happened in the first place. Fuck Pennywise. Fuck that fucking fuck. It was dead now, thanks to Eddie for weakening it and saving Richie in the process. Stan should still be alive, Eddie shouldn’t be in a hospital bed, and Richie and Bev shouldn’t be having these strange visions due to being in the Deadlights. 

The first time Richie dozed off since being in the Deadlights scared the absolute shit out of him. Sure, he’s had nightmares before, who hasn’t? But nothing compared to this… he honestly couldn’t tell if it was, in fact, from the Deadlights or just from the sheer panic of losing Eddie. Either way, it was awful. 

In the dream Richie had seen Eddie standing in front of him, a hole in his chest that Richie could visibly see through, blood staining through his shirt. It felt as though the air was trapped in Richie’s throat, choking on nothing. Oh to reach out to grab Eddie, to hold him close as if that would take the wound away and make everything okay. Even though Eddie was standing in front of him, it was like he wasn’t actually… there? Like he was a ghost just visiting him in a dream as like a sick, twisted joke. 

“Eds?” Richie had called out in his dream, reaching out to grab Eddie’s wrist but his hand phased right through. Richie could only think that the surgery wasn’t going well, that they must’ve lost Eddie. 

“It’s okay, Richie,” Eddie had told him, the moment he had opened his mouth blood started pouring out, causing Richie to flinch, “it’s not your fault.” 

Tears welled up in Richie’s eyes, no matter how many attempts his hands still phased through Eddie. 

“You’re dead and it’s my fault!” Richie yelled out, attempting to hug Eddie even though he knew it wouldn’t do any good. This wasn’t fucking fair. 

“I just said it wasn’t your fault. You never listen to me, Trashmouth.” 

Richie swallowed hard, looking Eddie in the eyes, although it didn’t hold the same emotional sensation that he would if it were real life.

He couldn’t help but let out a nervous chuckle, rubbing the back of his head. “Sorry… you did say that… Dude, are you like… dead?” 

“Am I…” Eddie trailed off, staring at Richie as if he had two heads, “no, I’m not dead! I’m just telling you it’s not your fault!” 

“…am I high?” Eddie groaned in frustration. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” 

“I swear if you beat yourself over this I will kick your ass.” 

“But, I-” 

Seeing Eddie as a potential ghost had startled Richie to his core, sure it wasn’t horrifying, but it was something he would never want to see again. Having Eddie in the hospital bed in Richie’s presence, a heart monitor hooked up to him to show that he had a pulse was oddly reassuring to Richie. However, more than anything Richie was hoping that Eddie would wake up soon. There was so much they needed to talk about, but at the same time Richie was hoping that Eddie didn’t notice the fact that he had his hand on the back of his neck, trying to work up the courage to bring Eddie down to him so he could kiss him. Was Eddie even gay? Of course not, he had a wife, right? Yeah, Richie clearly remembered that conversation with the silent heartbreak he was suffering while trying to keep the mood elevated in the restaurant as everyone was excited to see each other and he didn’t want to ruin it.

Realizing that he’s been standing in the exact same spot for almost five minutes, Richie moved back over to the bed, kneeling down next to Eddie. He was exhausted from the day he had, he wanted to sleep, he wanted to take a shower, he wanted to get out of these sewer and blood covered clothes. Beverly had offered to stay at the hospital for him while he went back to the town house to take a shower and get changed, but Richie refused, obviously. There was no way he was leaving Eddie’s side until he was 100% sure he was awake and okay. He couldn’t help but chuckle as he rested his head on the mattress next to Eddie’s hand, if only Eddie could see him now, he’d rave and rant about how sick Richie was going to get for leaving that shit on him. 

Richie let out a sad sigh, looking at Eddie’s hand that was next to his face, it had an IV stuck in one of his veins. He reached out, lightly messing with a couple of Eddie’s fingers. His skin felt a little cool to the touch, sending Richie’s heart pounding against his chest. He had to keep reminding himself that the heart monitor would tell them if Eddie wasn’t… alive or not. God, why did Richie’s brain have to go straight for the worse case? He had to keep reminding himself that they kicked Pennywise’s ass, the rest of them came out alive, and they got Eddie to the hospital. What more could they want? Well… besides seeing Stan again, even if it was just one more time… 

“I’m sorry, Eddie…” Richie mumbled, burying his face into the mattress, his tears were soaking the sheets from underneath him, “it’s my fucking fault. It’s my fault…” 

In the middle of his mini breakdown he didn’t even realize that Eddie’s hand moved from the spot that it stayed in for hours prior. Richie jumped and his eyes went wide when he felt Eddie rest his hand on top of his head, stroking his hair. Was this real? This couldn’t be real… Eddie’s fingers curled around Richie’s glasses, pulling them off mindlessly from his face. 

“What…” Richie had no idea what he wanted to say as he lifted his head, his vision blurry yet could make out Eddie putting the glasses on over his own face. “Eddie?” He asked sheepishly. 

“Your vision is still awful.,” Eddie said in a groggy voice. Honestly, that wasn’t what Richie was expecting to hear from Eddie the moment he first woke up, but just to hear his voice enough was worth it. “What’re you doin’ here, Trashmouth?” He asked through a yawn, rubbing his eyes from underneath the glasses. 

“I…” needed to make sure you weren’t going to fucking die on me. “Didn’t want to leave you alone in a hospital full of big scary germs,” he finally said with a stupid smile on his face, trying to hide his true emotions behind it. Eddie could see behind it though, he always could. 

“How uncharacteristically sweet of you.” He put Richie’s glasses back where they belonged on Richie’s face. His face turned into instant disgust seeing how gross and dirty Richie still was. “Are you serious?!” 

“Wh…” 

“How long have I been here?” 

“I…”  

“You didn’t even bother to take a shower before getting that… that… gross sewer grime on my fucking bed?!” 

Well… it was great seeing that Eddie was more or less his usual self, if not at least a bit exhausted, but that was valid considering he almost died saving his best friend and surviving an emergency surgery. Fuck. 

“I’m… I’m sorry,” Richie, for once, was stumped on what to say. He, the man who always had to say something, even if it was stupid didn’t have a single word to say. 

“Eugh, just…” Eddie waved his hand, the stench of the sewer was finally catching up to him. “Back up, please. You’re gonna give me an infection.” 

“Sorry…” Richie stood up from his spot next to the bed, backing up two steps.

 The entire time Eddie was watching him with an eyebrow raised, he didn’t understand why Richie was acting like this. He seemed distant, acting like Eddie was fragile, which wasn’t goddamn true. Eddie couldn’t help but notice that Richie could barely make eye contact with him. What the fuck? 

“Here.” Richie grabbed the large styrofoam cup that was sitting on the bed’s side table, holding it out to Eddie, who struggled to grab it because of the pain in his torso. He waited for Eddie to take a couple of sips before opening his mouth again. “How are you feeling?”

Eddie shrugged, looking down at the cup he was holding while fidgeting with the straw. “Hurting, but at least I’m alive.” He looked up at Richie when he heard an odd sound coming from him. Tears were in Richie’s eyes as he was trying to hold back the sobs in his throat. “Rich? What’s wrong?” 

“No…nothing…” Richie reached up, using the palm of his hand to rub the tears from his eyes, sniffling. If there was one thing Eddie absolutely remembered about Richie was that he was a horrible liar, especially if it was about his emotions. “I’m just glad you…you’re okay.” 

“Richie, seriously… what’s wrong?” Eddie tried turning a bit to face Richie, but the intense pain spreading throughout his torso stopped him immediately, he hissed in pain as he settled back in the bed.

“It’s…” Richie chuckled, giving Eddie a forced smile, “nothing. I’m just happy you’re alive.” 

“Yeah… I’m happy I’m alive too…” 

Eddie knew there was more to it than that, something was obviously bothering him. He wanted to reach over to grab Richie’s hand to reassure him that everything was going to be okay now. IT was gone, everyone was okay. Even though it was touch and go for Eddie for a while before getting to the hospital, but he pulled through and that’s all that matters.  

“Talk to me, man. What’s the matter with you?” 

“I…” Richie started, about to spill out some sort of lie, but his brain locked up. It was like his mind wasn’t going to let him live behind this lie anymore, it’s been years since Richie came to silent terms with his sexuality but hasn’t told a single soul about it. “I just… I really…” He let out a sigh. He needed to tell him the truth, Eddie already had a close call and if he did die then Richie would live with this secret for the rest of his life. A secret that burns in his chest every day. When he saw Eddie looking at him waiting for an answer with an eyebrow raised he knew that it wasn’t going to be easy to spill. “Eddie I…” Tears were in Richie’s eyes again as he was scared of the rejection that could possibly follow. “Dude, I fucking… love you, okay?” 

As soon as the words left his mouth he turned around so his back was facing Eddie. He couldn’t bear to see what Eddie’s expression could be anger, disgust, confusion… Richie couldn’t deal with that. 

“Richie-”

“I’ll just go, okay?” Richie cut him off quickly, reaching up to wipe the tears from his eyes. 

“Wait-”

“I’ve loved you since we met, alright?! I didn’t know how to tell you without it either sounding like a joke or you hating me.”

“I don’t-”

“I wouldn’t blame you if you-”

“Richie!” Eddie said loudly. The sudden raise of his voice caused Richie to jump, slowly turning back around to face him. 

Richie was surprised, Eddie didn’t look pissed off at all. In fact, it looked like Eddie was trying to contain a smile. 

“Richie, you’re a fucking idiot. I thought you knew.” 

“Thought.. I knew?” He had no idea what Eddie was talking about. “Thought I knew what?” 

“I thought you knew that I knew.”

“You…” It took Richie a moment to process what Eddie was saying to him. He knew? Hew knew this whole fucking time? “Then why didn’t you say anything?!” 

“I’ve been flirting with you for years?” Eddie said this as though everyone else knew that except for Richie. Well, maybe that was true, maybe everyone knew they’ve been flirting with each other since they were teenagers. “Why do you think I got on your case so much? Or why I keep entertaining your stupid jokes?” 

Richie was frozen in his spot, going through every single teenage memory that he could force out of his brain. Connecting all the patterns and exchanges it became so obvious. Was he the only one who didn’t notice? No wonder Bev kept asking him weird questions when they were teenagers… This whole time…

“Are you telling me this whole fucking time we could’ve built a life together?” Richie blurted out. “It’s your fault!”

“My fault?! What’s my fault?” 

“You just had to move away when you were six-teen!” 

“That wasn’t my fucking fault! You could’ve told me how you felt!” 

“Well, I love you!”

Hearing the three words coming from his mouth a second time caused Richie to freeze up again. Even though Eddie admitted that he’s always had feelings for Richie too still made him feel like this was some sort of joke. 

“I love you…” Richie said again in almost a whisper. 

“I love you too.” 

“Dude, can I kiss you?” 

#ask #asks #gabe trashmouth #tumblr may have messed up the formating #so sorry #i'm exhausted from working so hardly any editing #long post #it chapter 2 #it chapter 2 fix it #it chapter two #it fanfiction #it fanfic #writing prompt #reddie #richie tozier #richie #richie trashmouth #Adult Reddie #adult richie tozier #adult eddie kaspbrak #adult eddie #adult richie #Eddie Kaspbrak #my fic

[ziracona]

How many people were tested just for others anyway? Gordon's wife and daughter, Daniel (the wiki says it was also for shoplifting but he was 16 so I call bs), literally everyone except Lynn and her husband in Saw III, and my memory past 3 is fuzzy but that one lying author's wife comes straight to mind. They weren't being tested for whatever John pretended his survival of the fittest policy was they were terrorized tortured and/or killed for basically nothing but the pain of the target.

Anon you’re so valid TuT 

ITS TRUE AND WE SHOULD ALL SAY IT!!! Also, I wrote this little part last, bc I just wanted to give fair warning that I went blind into a rage and wrote threethousand words about how much I hate John Kramer, full of very terrible language and spoilers for Saw 1-6, because I go that fucking feral at the sound of his name, and I can’t make everyone scroll past that so I’m putting most of it under the cut, but even if you decide you justifiably fear that rant and don’t read it, just know you are incredibly valid, and John can eat shit and die. Rant start:

John did that bullshit constantly! He would over and over put 1 (one) man he personally wanted to watch suffer on trial and sacrifice /scores/ of people for no reason. No trap, no way to escape, at someone else’s mercy completely or maybe with 0 chance even there bc JOHN KRAMER IS A SACK OF SHIT. 

He kills a house full of drug addicts in two, mostly just bc his wife worked w drug addicts and John hates drug addicts, and even though Amanda was in their literal exact same position she does jack shit to stop him and just watches people slowly have their organs deteriorate and start coughing up blood around her!! Including fucking Daniel! Who got an antidote but like, at the 11th hour. Do y’all even understand how biology works John and CO??? If you neutralize a poison after it has deteriorated parts of organs it might save your life but itS NOT A FUCKING HEALTH POTION. Poor Daniel Matthews probably will only live to be like forty tops if he’s super lucky because of that. And he did NOTHING!!! He had shoplifted bc he was going through a teen phase but he’s like sixteen! Everyone was dumb as shit as a teenager, and most people shoplift at some point in their life! It does not earn you slow deterioration of your organs! Poor kid not only watched a man burned to death in an oven, dude have his brains blown out, girl die of prolonged organ failure, and more shit, he himself /killed/ a man as a sixteen year old child to save Amanda Young because he’s got a good heart and is a good person, and that shit is awful! It’s traumatic to kill someone at any age, but as a teenager? And then he got knocked out by her and thrown in a tiny locked safe, tied up and gagged, and kept alive by an oxygen tank in an enclosed space after that massive trauma for or AT LEAST 24 HOURS ! He did NOTHING. It was all just a long-con sacrifice to get Eric Matthews to a specific location. Eric did some real shit, but god, even after everything Daniel did for Amanda and all John’s talk of innocents, neither of them ever even tell Eric he lived! Amanda just locks him up, fights, beats him to she thinks death, and then John keeps him locked up and isolated in a cell for months, only to make him choke himself slowly in a test he doesn’t actually get to participate in to keep a friend from being electrocuted. It’s all kinds of fucked.

Even Jeff did nothing worse than be depressed and obsessive and unavailable to his kid, all Lynn did was have a boyfriend after she and he separated (and tbh the only reason John took her was bc he wanted a doctor and hated her for being one of the docs who told him he had cancer bc John is a pettyass hypocritical stupid sack of shit!) I’m VIBRATING with hatred. Lynn was just a pawn in Amanda’s test! It never mattered if she kept John alive! It only mattered if Amanda decided to fucking shoot her!!! She did her task and died and JOHN KNEW THERE WAS A HIGH PROBABILITY AMANDA WOULD KILL HER AND DID NOTHING TO STOP IT BC JOHN CARES ABOUT NO ONE BUT HIMSELF THE FUCKING WORTHLESS LITTLE WORM. 

And the other victims in 3 are a poor college student who ran over someone on accident and feels massive guilt already and served jail time for it who gets his fucking limbs and then head all twisted off while begging for his life because JOHN KRAMER IS A PIECE OF SHIT AND SO IS JEFF TBH. BUT NOT AS BIG OF ONE. The poor girl who is stung up naked in a freezer and sprayed repeatedly with water till she is encased in ice and dead literally just saw the hit and run and ran away bc she was scared!!! Not to mention Jeff’s other kid who gets kidnapped and locked up as collateral! Even if she’s not hurt that’s FUCKING TRAUMATIZING FOR A YOUNG CHILD. And Allison Kerry did nothing wrong! Amanda kills her in the Angel trap literally just bc she’s investigating them! When he targets a detective John’s always like “Ho ho he, I am putting you on trial bc you are obsessed with your work”  LIKE, BITCH NO SHE FUCKIN AINT SHE DOIN HER GODDAMN JOB AND U DON”T WANT TO GET CAUGHT YOU STUPID FUCKING WHORE I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH THAT JUST LOOKING AT YOUR FACE CAUSES ME TO PRODUCE SO MUCH EXCESS EPINEPHRINE I COULD BOTTLE IT AND SAVE IT FOR LATER. I swear to god, if I had a grenade and I was in the room trapped with a still breathing John Kramer, I would kill pull the pin and take us both! FUCK I would pull the pin and then french kiss the grenade as thanks for letting me see that sack of shit go right to hell!

I don’t remember all of four bc it was really terrible, so I don’t have a lot of thoughts there except woof, but there was a lot of bullshit. Like John’s lawyer who did nothing but try to talk to him about finances enough it pissed John off got kidnapped, won his first game, and then got kidnapped again BC THAT SHIT HEAD SURE NEVER KEEPS EVEN HIS OWN GODDAMNED WORD and was made pawn in the game and then shot bc he didn’t have a chance to save himsefl!!! 

In Saw one, also, again, Adam was never being tested. He was just a pawn too. It was Gordon who got to decide to kill him or not, and ADAM LIVED TO SIX OR WHENEVER THE FUCK THE TIME WAS AND JOHN STILL LEFT HIM TO DIE BECAUSE HE”S A HYPOCRITICAL PIECE OF SHIT!!!! And he’s not interesting enough for Johns MASSIVE brainshlong that obviously is so full of right ideas and enlightenment you MICROPENISEDtrulyIDIOTIC self-centered human garbage!  He only took Adam at all bc he was there! He said the reason was Adam was pathetic! ADAM WAS DOING HIS BEST YOU CRUSTY ASS RED ROBED TURTLE LOOKIN MOTHERFUCKER. He was a freelance photographer in New Jersey in his early 20s during an economic collapse, and still nice enough to be taking care of stray cats you FUCKING sack of dogshit! 

And Gordon? All he did was tell John he had cancer! He was cheating on his wife too, but like, the reason John picked him was that!!! HE THOUGHT!! GORDON SOUNDED TOO COLD WHEN HE TOLD HIM HE HAD CANCER I FUCKING HATE JOHN KRAMER SO MUCH. John Kramer really will see someone smile not as big a smile as he thought they should have given him and be like: “Yo, is anyone going to corkscrew their eyeballs off?” and not even wait for an answer. I fuuuuukning hate him. And that little shitface thought it was somehow chill to order someone else to kill Gordon’s wife and eight year old child who had done JACK SHIT wrong ever if Gordon wasn’t willing to brutally murder a kid in his early 20s who had done nothing wrong????! WHAT THE FUCK. Mr. KRamer.. QUICK QUESTION. WHAT. THE. FUCK. You self-righteous, self-centered, pretentious, pettyass, sadistic motherfucking goddamn worthless excuse for anything!

In five he’s finally dead so I can : ) once. BUT HE STILL FUCKS UP SHIT FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. SO I’m STILL MAD. All the people Hoffman kills are ppl John told him to, so HE STILL MOTHERFUKIN RESPONSIBLE. In 5 it’s a bunch of people responsible kind of for deaths of people in a low-income neighborhood. One guy was paid to torch an abandoned building, and eight people died in the fire, but he didn’t know anyone was there and feels terrible. He thought it was vacant, it was just arson. Another is a journalist who found out about the arson, and didn’t break the story bc guy 1’s father bribed him. There’s a fire inspector who learned the truth and was bribed by the guy’s dad not to tell too. A city planner who was bribed into selling permits for the land. And Brit, who was the girl who paid for the arson, bc she wanted to make an apartment complex, and maybe actually knew about the 8 people and might have deserved some real payback–it’s unclear???? Regardless. I want to add that the cops had been investigating, had a strong case, and were about to arrest them and hold these people accountable in a legal manner, which John knew bc HOFFMAN WAS IN HIS POCKET, and John so hated the idea of them facing justice justice, he kidnapped them. The fire inspector got dragged into saw blades by her throat and torn apart, the journalist died to a nail bomb, and the city planner got electrocuted in a bathtub. The two who made it had their arms split down the middle up to the elbow to let enough blood out to save them.  I cannot. Just.

Anyway. In six, again at DEAD JOHN WHO WON”T QUIT FUCKING EVERYTHING UP’s request, a ‘game’ is played and William Easton (one of my fave protagonists bc he’s a piece of shit but damn if he didn’t have a real glow up in forty-five minutes) is thrown into a hell circuit. 

And so, undeservingly, is like, EVERYONE he fucking knows! His janitor Hank is first up. Target for…what was it? OHhhhhh right. He smokes. That was why. That makes so much sense john I’m sorry I doubted you PSYCH I CAN"T EVEN SAY IT AS A JOKE I JUST THREW UP A LITTLE IN MY MOUTH JOHN QUICK Q? WHAT THE FUCK? oh wait it’s because your an ABSOLUTE BASTARD. You would think I would get desensitized but no. It just. It’s fuel on the flame of my rage.

William Easton and the janitor, Hank, are hooked into something that slowly tightens and crushes their ribs any time they take a breath, and whoever doesn’t die first gets to live, and poor goddamn Hank smoked so ofc he can’t outlast a healthy dude in his 30s and John crushes his ribs just to make William watch someone die. Then he makes William pick which of two people to save in trial 2. MEANING HE GODDAMN STRAIGHT UP KIDNAPPED THESE TWO TOTALLY FINE WITH EITHER DYING, IN FACT WITH THE SOUL PURPOSE BEING TO DIE bc who cares about them right John? You fucking pretentious self-righteous creep! I have a year of the Pig teddy bear I named after Peter Strahm JUST for the FUCKING satisfaction of knowing John would hate that bc he was so into year of the motherfucking pig. ANyway. Plot again. Poor file clerk at Williams firm and the poor secretary are the two targets, and literally they did jack shit!!! They work for shitty lawyers but all they do is clock in to a 9-5 and file shit!! They are literally just there to rub it in William’s face that insurance policies aren’t fair bc according to them, one of the humans is worth more than the other bc health and age, but uuuuh oohhh William the older one with health issues is p hard to kill face to face bc you know her and she has kids and the young healthy man in his early 20s family is dead and he doesn’t have friends which means according to John he is worth less bc JOHN DOES THINK YOU CAN CHOOSE BETWEEN LIVES and all of this is here just bc John somehow thought it would be fun to fucking WIN A GODDAMN “I’M RIGHT” ARGUMENT WITH A LAWYER at the expense of brutally hanging a human being with barbed wire!!! 

Sidebar–if John Kramer was a real human being, I would go yearly on a fucking pilgrimage to his grave just to SPIT on his stupid corpse. I HATE HIM SO MUCH. 

K so young man dies. Then test 3 his attorney dies too, I don’t know much about her, except she is just there to make William feel like shit and they were into each other, and she tries to kill William after he gets hurt trying to save her bc he has the key to her trap in his stomach or chest idr, but she doesn’t get the key in time and dies, and then test 4 he finds his associates strapped to a carousel with a shotgun that picks one at random and blows off their head, and has to let all but two of them get gunned down and choose which two not to kill. And again, they’re kind of shittyass lawyers, but uh. Yeah. To save two, he has to let this huge piece of metal rip through his hand, but William does it and destroys his hand to save the two he can, and suffers picking while they all beg him to pick them bc John wanted to see him suffer picking between human lives again because he’s a goddam self-centered stuck up jerk who vales human life less then admiring his ugly ass dick in the mirror every day and pretending he’s a member of Mensa, the evil utterly irredeemable sack of shit. Anyway, at the end, William has never had a chance to live or die at all! And John was literally just torturing him for fun and killed /all/ those people not even for a test for William but /solely/ to make him suffer bc human lives DON"T MATTER ONE FUCKING IOTA to JOHN SHITASS KRAMER. WHO JUST WANTED TO WIN. AN INTELLECTUAL ARGUMENT. POST-MORTEM. BECAUSE he’s THAT kind of shittyass, pretentious, sanctimonious, better than thou, always right, incapable of wrong, smartest fucking asshole in the room man!!! I bet he doesn’t ever wash his hands when he takes a piss! I KNOW IT! FUCK John Kramer! 

ANd OH! William gets killed by a kid who hates him bc he turned down their father’s insurance policy fraudulently, knowing he would die of an illness without the money. BC William was terrible. Which is /so/ great for that fucking teenager! Killing someone horribly with acid while you watch them die and their body be melted! And they beg you not to do it and apologize on the other side of bars, already beat to shit, and plead for forgiveness, and your mom begs you not to, and the dude’s sister sobs and begs you not to!!! SO GOOD! Way to go john you FUCKING CUNT, they definitely value their lives now you goddamn motherfucking souless sack of shit!

I-I don’t even have the energy to do the other Saw movies or go back over the other victims in Saw one WHO DID NOTHING WRONG. John just hated them!!! BC HIS WIFE KNEW THEM! In most cases! John just fucking hates drug addicts! OK u know what here’s the short version even if I can’t do them justice rn bc I’m pissed!!! One guy got sliced to death on razor wire for cutting when he was depressed bc John is a piece of shit, one got burned to death after walking on glass for hours bc John doesn’t believe in invisible illnesses and if you’re walking you must be healthy, oh yeah! And the fucking dude Amanda killed in her first trial was just a drug addict! Going to a recovery clinic! He never had a chance to live on his own bc the only choice was if Amanda would cut open his intestines and sift through him for a key while he was awake but too drugged to move or not, and she did! Didn’t even get to plead for his life! ANyway!!!! Fucking as far as I can tell all Zep did was work at the goddamn hospital! He WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO BE NICE TO JOHN and told other people he was a cool dude!!! He was just a janitor!!! WHAT THE FUCK???

I just. God. I hate everything about John Kramer. The way he talks makes me so LIVID I change color like a goddamned chameleon. He is so ready to argue his stupid shitty fucking ethics with anyone who breathes in a ten mile radius. Shithead John over here will strap you to a table and make you listen to him talk about how it’s not his fault he poisoned two people and gave them one antidote and a bunch of knives and one of them came out dead, and his hands are clean and people don’t value their lives so they should die while he watches eating fucking cereal I am just–I am so glad John has cancer? Like, the idea of Saw sans John having cancer is unbearable, because I am so afraid the writers would never let him die and we would never be free of the human cancer that is John. The only human being on the planet that has ever been able to make me root for the cancer. But boy in that one and only regard, John is special.

I hate him so much it is unbelievable. Like. I can’t even put it into words. THe pure, unbridled fury I feel when I hear John say, “D’oh ho ho, but I, with these two little handies of mine, hath never pulled the gun’s trigger! Got you there! Where is your science! Where is your god! I am no murderer! I heal people! By sawing off their faces! You just do not understand, oh poor unenlightened human that you are. May you be strapped to a machete car and blessed with my wisdom  😔” I absolutely lose control of 90% of normal human functionality, and all that I have left is righteous justice and bloodlust. It’s unbelievable.

Whichever one of you god-mode-brain peeps made that post saying Eric Matthews had the hardest test in the whole Saw franchise because he had to sit and listen to John Kramer talk for two hours was a GODDAMNED HERO and if you contact me and prove the tumblr account is yours I will paypal you ten dollars and a personalized note thanking you for the joy that gave me because I just really hate John Kramer that FUCKING MUCH. I would cut off my own toes to be able to have something to shove down John Kramer’s throat to make him stop. talking.

There are a lot of things in this world I hate bc I hate things that are unjust, but I hate absolutely nothing more in the universe than a villain who is a self-righteous, hypocritical asshole who won’t even admit that what they are doing is wrong and parades as the tragic genius hero despite knowing GODDAMN well that they are a petty, shitty, hypocritical, absolute fucking MONSTER with no redeemable qualities or capacity for love. And John Kramer is at least my second least favorite character in the history of ANYTHING. Maybe my first. I’m not even sure anymore! Nasty-ass, evil, pretentious, self-righteous, shortsighted, selfish, sadistic, voyeuristic, willfully ignorant, crusty ass useless soulless garbage little SHIT.

#ask #anonymous #John Kramer #Jigsaw #long post #Saw #Saw II #Saw III #Saw IV #Saw V #Saw VI

[problemon]

give us the trans lore bro...

Earl and lana in unison: down with cis

Also having read through this to spell check… I now realise that me writing these characters is just a combination of “this is me” and “I WISH this was me”. I decided to leave in my commentary purely because I think the art and the author is always interesting to see but for the love of god…. @ cis ppl me being somewhat open about my trans experience doesn’t give you the right the ask invasive questions. 

Anyway

Earl came out when he was 6. For the first four years of his life his dad was around, Gumbald was still around, Bonnibel was still a closeted lesbian, and so it was very much expected that Earl and Liam would be cishets.

Why yes… Both Liam AND Earl are trans. I mean… None of the Lemongrabs have “male” psychical characteristics and they all identity as male so… ALL human Lemongrabs should be trans. Fella cannonically has no junk. Translate that to a human context: epic transgenderisms.

Anyway (2!)

But after bio dad left Earl and Liam started doing various… Early (ha) onset dysphoria things and showing a clear preference for male clothing and such. By this point Bonnibel was out and started engaging with her local lgbt+ community, (which is how she met Marceline) and started befriending adult trans people who’d come over and see Earl being like:

Earl: I am playing my favourite game. I am re enacting the war of the roses with my brother. I am playing the Earl of Leicester who is also my favourite historical figure. You have to use his title and he for me or I bite you.

Bonnie’s friends and Earl’s whole family who know what being trans is and that this kind of other gender role playing is typical of trans children: 🤔hm…

(I also used to do this lol)

So Aunt Lolly took them to see a doctor as Bonnibel was way too busy and also had complicated feelings about the whole thing. Doctor asked them a bunch of questions, interviewed lolly and was like “I diagnose them with boy”.

Earl’s mothers kinda grieved for a while and were like “we don’t have daughters anymore 😔” so Lolly kinda… Took over as their main caregiver for a while while Bonnie buried herself in work. So Lolly was the one who chose their names and they’ve always had a close relationship. Earl’s name comes from his fave historical figure and he loves his name a lot (me too fam) while Liam belongs to that group of trans people who just… Saw a name on a box and were like “lol that’s me now.” Liam’s name comes from a fucking doll advert he saw aged 5 in a newspaper. (You laugh but my name backstory is no better. I also know a trans girl who named herself after a pun like a true icon. YES I’m trans YES my name backstory is fucking funny as fuck. WE EXIST)

Anyway Bonnie snapped out of her cis grieving, Earl and Liam moved schools and as teens were put on blockers and hormones with no problems and now we’re here!

The one family member who doesn’t know about his trans status is Earl’s biological father, who sends him letters every few years asking for money like “my dear daughter I am once again asking for your financial support as I have lost all my money on the stock market” which Earl finds really funny.

Earl hasn’t had a hysterectomy so he still has hormone injections and Dr Minerva provides his needles (our boy self injects) so… Finn and his family know he’s trans and they’re fine with it.

As Earl + Liam never went through “female” puberty they haven’t needed to undergo top surgery and such. Though I imagine Liam underwent bottom surgery at 16 due to extreme dysphoria while Earlie never does.

Anyway that’s them. On the whole they’ve had a pretty good time.

…Lana did NOT have a good time.

Lana came out age 14 when she wasn’t ready to. She clocked she was trans age 13 and went through a very difficult questioning phase but eventually decided she was a girl.

Bit of background: The advtime episode “The Eyes” shows LSP celebrating a Quinceañera party. In particular she seems to be celebrating a Mexican Quinceañera as she has a bouquet of white flowers (these are apparently left on the altar as an offering to Mary), a tiara, and is dancing with her father- which my albeit brief research tells me are typical features of a Mexican Quinceañera, and as LSP is thus implied to be a Mexican girl I think human LSP should similarly be Mexican. Now a Quinceañera is a rite of passage ceremony and party girls have when they turn 15, and you can imagine what it feels like to know you’re a girl but that you’re never going to have one of these, and that you’re going to be denied this affirmation of your womanhood. And as Lana really really really wanted to have a Quinceañera she forced herself to come out so she could have one.

Her family were initially quite upset. Her parents were supportive but how best to put this… I mean like “supportive”. Like LGBT people know what I mean when your family is fine with you being queer until you talk about it too much or correct them too much and they… Just don’t. Anyway Lana has a solid case of that going on. So her parents are nice enough but also… Could be a lil better. And having that experience of very conditional and flimsy support was uck traumatic.

Moving on:

She transitioned a lot later in life so poor girl lived with bad dysphoria for a long while and still has low self esteem about herself bcos of it. She has very bad voice dysphoria so she overly emphasises her speech (me me I do this! This is also why I would rather die than record myself speaking lmao) so she also has a kind of… Valley girl way of speaking, though she slips into a more comfortable voice when she’s around people she feels safe with.

And thanks to trans healthcare™️ she didn’t get on E till like… 16. (Wish this was me lol…) But she’s a lot more comfortable and happy now so it’s all good.  Lana’s probably… on the fence about genital surgery. I know this is a taboo topic but anyway, binary trans people who don’t get srs for whatever reason are so so valid and powerful and it’s funny how “are you gonna get the surgery” is the one thing people want to know about trans people until we start talking about it on our own terms lol. 

In terms of other stuff, Earl’s more or less private about his trans status. Very few people know and that’s just what he’s comfortable with. Plus he’s been living as male from a very early age and BARELY remembers anything before it, so for most of his life being trans didn’t form a huge part of his identity. But I imagine that changes as he grows older and starts dating Lana and has kids and is generally… Put in more situations where Not Being Cis changes things quite significantly. For Lana it’s a much bigger part of her identity and always has been. Like she includes trans themes in her literary work and would go to pride and meetings. 

Cis ppl can interact but please stay in your lane…

#earl bubblegum #liam bubblegum #lana perciville #transing my gender #cw surgery #cw transition #cw injections #cw needle mention #cw transphobia mention #ask to tag

[serenagaywaterford]

How opposed do you think serena is to labelling herself with ‘lesbian’? Would she ever use any alternatives?

I think, Serena… Hmm… would be adamantly opposed to any label for a very long time. Because she would be stuffed full of religious indoctrination and shame being fed by heaps of internalised homophobia and specifically lesbophobia. I can’t see her being very comfortable with any label for a long time even when she is in a relationship with another woman. She’d be the type to refer to June (or whomever) as her “partner”, and make sure it’s vague and safe. Never “girlfriend”, cos that’s too bold and upfront. Never admit that it’s actually two women. She’d hide behind language like “partner” or “significant other” for sure, probably even say “they” instead of “she” when in conversation with people, just to hide a little more.

That said, down the road? If I’m taking her out of canon, hmm. I think the journey to a label would be long but mostly direct. Firstly, I don’t know what any alternatives are to “lesbian”. It’s a pretty specific thing and literally none of the other words I can think of mean lesbian. (Unless they’re reclaimed slurs like dyke or lesbo, etc. or something really clunky like “homosexual woman” which lbr nobody really says.) Whether she would go through a phase of mislabelling herself because she is afraid of the word is another question though. Would she consider herself bisexual? Perhaps. It would be incredibly difficult to admit that an entire marriage was pointless and unfulfilling. Denial is powerful. Like how could a lesbian be married to a man for so long? Right? (I really don’t want to get into any debate about lesbian purity but it happens, and there are plenty of lesbians who have.) I think she could hang onto that for a while. I can see her clinging on for dear life to the bisexual label, for a host of reasons. 

[And I know I may differ with some Serena/June fans, but I do not headcanon her as bisexual. I just don’t. June, yes, actually because I believe her romantic and sexual attraction to men is genuine and real. Serena? Not in a million years. That woman is as gay as a window and yes, I will die on this hill regardless of what canon tells me.]

She may even insist one of those stupid “It’s not all women, just one!” Like, I’m not homosexual, it’s just this specific person! LOL. Okay. Sure, Jan. Cos that’s a real thing. I see Serena being very much that sort of person in rabid denial.

Like I said though, I would suspect eventually she would recognise things and put every piece of her life into perspective, and give herself a little break. I also think internally she would be immediately questioning whether she is homosexual. Cos, yeah, that’s part of her whole ideology, this gender traitor gay-hating thing. She would think that about herself and try to mitigate it, and talk herself into some other excuse. Like “It’s not me, it’s just her. It’s a one-off. Or it’s a phase.” Something like that to make it seem less than it is.

But no, Serena wouldn’t call herself an alternative. Cos, a)I don’t know any so I can’t speak to that lol and she certainly wouldn’t call herself a slur, and b)it’s SERENA. She wouldn’t be sitting around on social media or going to gender studies courses in uni. She wouldn’t even know the language, slang, or whatever 60239 sexual identities and labels people have now. She would know the basics and have to pick from those. Gay, lesbian, bi, ~gender traitor~. That’s all she would know, PLUS the slurs because there is no way someone with that much hate, and surrounded by so much hate pre- and during Gilead wouldn’t be aware of them. Even just from church.

I think she may start with “gender traitor” because it’s what she’s familiar with, and it’s sort of …vague in a sense. Also, the shame. MAYBE eventually once she’s done the whole journey or whatever she may use “gay”, and I would suspect she would before using “lesbian” cos let’s be totally honest, it is the hardest for so many women to say. There is still so much stigma attached and women are still afraid to say it, cos also it is the most dangerous for women. To be a lesbian means to be unavailable to men entirely. They don’t like that. At all. They will do anything to change that. It starts with words and ends with rape. Even saying “gay” as a woman is somehow less threatening for some reason, but “lesbian” is a definitive statement. (Maybe it’s cos “gay” for women has been watered down and so many people just use it without understanding that it is HOMOSEXUAL. So men can hear gay, and be like “Meh, she’ll be with dudes too cos all these other ~gay girls~ do.” Yet a man says “gay” and he is equally as threatening and gross to straight men as a lesbian is, but for different reasons. Being exclusively homosexual makes straight people (but especially men) hate you. And when they hate you, it is a scary place to be. So, I can deffo see Serena being quite afraid. Like she is a pretty huge coward generally lol and this would be even worse. That’s what got her into so much of her own bullshit. So she would be terrified of the word lesbian.

TMI: I know I was. I adamantly refused to use the word for years cos it was gross and scary or whatever idiocy I had in my head. I was actually at a comedy club with my girlfriend and the comedian picked us out (it was all straight people) and said “Oh, we’ve got some lesbians here, right?” and I was so completely horrified and terrified that I blurted, as disgusted as I could, “No! I’m not!” And I’ll tell you my girlfriend wasn’t very happy for one thing, and the comedian just looked confused. Like, clearly I am. But I just loudly refused to be called that cos I was scared. Of so many things. So, I get it. I get the absolute refusal to accept that you are that word because it’s all sorts of things. Mostly associated with bad. But it’s not. And I don’t even have the really deeply ingrained homophobia as somebody like Serena does (I deffo had internalized homo/lesbophobia tho). So, if I struggled with it, I am certain someone like her would struggle a lot more. Especially when the stakes are even higher and more dangerous. Like, this is a woman that has supported a regime that hangs gay men in public and rapes/genitally mutilates lesbians and knows exceptionally well how easily a regime can target and eradicate gays and lesbians.

Now, would Serena EVER say it? I’m not sure. I think about that sometimes writing fic. How does Serena view herself? Would she ever get to a healthy enough place that she could call herself a lesbian? Or is she somewhat of a lost cause? (It also comes into play how much she’ll ever admit about the shit she’s done.)

Sometimes I doubt it. I sometimes think she would spend her whole life talking around the actual word and using euphemisms or long descriptions instead of saying the word. Because that is a lot A LOT of lesbophobia for her to unpack. More than a lot of people. (Not to mention she’s a very stubborn and proud person so part of that would be admitting she was wrong in the past and… well, lbr, Serena is NOT good at that either lol.) That said, there are some raging homophobes that come out and quite quickly embrace the most “extreme” label because it is such a relief. It’s freedom. It’s safety in a totally different way than a lie. Could she be like that? Almost as if she launches herself into another ~cause straight away? Hmm. Maybe. She does also have that streak in her.

So, long story short, anon. I dunno. I would suspect IF she ever does, it would be a long, long journey for her but it wouldn’t beat around the bush (unless that journey involves mislabelling herself in an attempt to soften the blow/part of self-discovery). I don’t see her using any “alternatives” tbh. Cos it’s Serena, a woman in her mid-late 30s who has spent her whole life either in church, in very right wing conservative circles, and/or in a literal religio-fascist society. Not a 20 year old on tumblr who has all this new lingo at their fingertips. She simply wouldn’t have the language. Or care. I’ll be honest, most people over 30 don’t give a shit about all this. You’re gay, you’re lesbian, or you’re bi. That’s it. Maybe at a push some of them use “queer” now. And frankly, Serena would never, ever use that word. Not with the huge stigma attached to that in church/right wing circles where it is literally a slur and nothing else. She wouldn’t be the type to “reclaim” anything. She’d hear that word and likely only think of the horrible, violent ways it was used in her upbringing and communities. It would probably evoke fear. I’d say possibly even trauma. So, I would definitely cross that one off the possible “alternative” list. (I’d also cross “homosexual” off that list too for the same reasons. That word is said with such hate, disgust, and derision in conservative and church communities. It sounds like poison when they say it. And Serena couldn’t get past that for a very long time, I’d guess.) 

She’s simply not that sort of person to make a stand like that or face demons that frequently lol. She is not a very brave person, nor is she one that simply doesn’t care what people think of her. She appears to care very much and that would be a huge influence on her behaviour and thoughts. Unless it’s something she ADAMANTLY believes in. Like, she has to hit a limit before she snaps and doesn’t care what people think anymore. (We’ve only seen that Serena a few times in canon. Most of the time she’s a cheerleader for the status quo.) I do believe deep, deep down she doesn’t truly care… but fear/validation is a crazy drug. It would take a lot for her to get there.Wow, I said long story short and just went off on another tangent so okay. I’m done. Serena: no alternatives, uses “gay/lesbian” after a very, very long time–if at all. *shrug* I dunno. I can possibly be persuaded otherwise but this is basically my view...

#Anonymous

[the-queer-look]

Bi Visibility is important

Bisexuality is frequently overlooked in our culture, and all too often perceived negatively, either as someone who’s faking, or someone who isn’t really queer. However, bisexuality is just as valid as being gay, or trans, or ace. Bisexuals deserve to be more visible in our society, and more accepted by our community, regardless of the gender of their partners.

- K

Name: Jessie

Age: 24

Sexuality: Bisexual

Location: Newtown

Occupation/area of study: Studying Primary Education at the University of Sydney and president of the Queer Society at University of Sydney (Shades)

I identify as either bi, or pansexual,depending on who I’m talking to, and how they see bi and pan. I know that some people see pan as problematic because it originates in bisexuality as a way to be more inclusive of trans and non binary people, but also that bisexuality explicitly includes trans and non binary people anyway. I understand both points of view on the bi/pan debate, but arguing about the semantics doesn’t really interest me. Safe to say that I can find myself attracted to people at any point on the gender spectrum.

This is my second year as the president of shades(University of Sydney Queer Society), I’m graduating at the end of this years so I won’t be doing that anymore… Unless I do another degree, or PHD! *laughs* no, I’m definitely going to be teaching for a year or two before I come back to do any other study.

Being president of Shades just sort of fell into my hands when my friend finished uni. I had no idea what I was doing but just persisted because I really didn’t want Shades to die. It’s a very important society, especially for first year queers just coming out and having their first experience both at uni, and expressing their sexuality for the first time. Shades can be just a great experience for people to just come and be social, and be themselves.

When I was nineteenI was diagnosed with an eating disorder and went into hospital for a period of time. That whole part of my life was very long and awful, but my fashion also went through a really drastic change through every part of it.In the initial stages of it, when I’d lostan incredible amount of weight, I started buying all of these really tiny, tight clothes. But when my disorder became more about bingeing, I became very ashamed of my body, and would try to buy clothes that would hide it. But because I’m low key obsessed with looking cute, I had this mindset of “no! I must still look cute! Whilst also trying to hide my body!” So I went through this phase of long, flowing hippy skirts, with patterned throw overs. It was very personally necessary at the time, but I’ve definitely moved out of that phase. I kept the really cute ones though. One thing that has always stayed with me is just a little touch of punk creeping through to all of my aesthetics. Even now, going into teaching and needing to dress in a professional, “teacher” way, I’m very adamant about still being very me. For example, I refuse to get rid of, or hide my septum piercing because it’s such an integral part of my identity.

If my ex boyfriend ever reads this, I don’t think he’ll care, because he was very much around for it and knew what was going on. But he and I had what was very much an up and down, very toxic relationship. He cheated on me a bunch of times, and I didn’t cheat on him physically, but I definitely cheated on him emotionally with a girl in my high school. I think having feelings for her made me realise that I wasn’t straight. I went to an all girls high school and there were like two gays in our cohort, and I was wondering to myself “Do I just have a crush on them because I know that they’re gay? Okay.. but not everyone else in my cohort has a crush on them, and they’re offended by the fact that she has crushes on other people, but not only am I not offended by it, but I’m kinda into it?” which made me realise that yeah… girls… We never did anything physically though, my boyfriend and I were together until I was eighteen, and I don’t think I actually experimented with my sexuality until I was about nineteen.

I don’t think that my sexuality has had an impact on my way of presenting myself, but it’s hard because that was all close to the time that I was dealing with my eating disorder as well. I think a big part of my recovery was tied in with the fact that queer people generally don’t give to much of a shit about how other people perceive the way that they dress. It was a huge shift for me, queer people care about the way that they dress, but not what the general population thinks, and so much of my eating disorder was tied up in worry about what other people would think of me, and how I looked, so when I came to terms with my sexuality it also made dressing so much easier. I let go of other peoples perceptions of my body, and how I moved through the world because queerness is so liberating in that way so… It did… I made a mistake, coming to terms with my sexuality very much did shift the way that I dress.

Ithink that stereotypes within the lgbt community are still relevant, but that they’re much less relevant now that there’s so much more of an umbrella, and in think that people these days are far less likely to put themselves into a little box. I feel that they are necessary, especially in the beginnings of finding out about queerness and sexuality, because everyone wants to belong to something, and I think that stereotypesabout how to dress and present yourself help people to identify themselves, and be a part of something greater. Like a lot of people on your blog have said, it’s like a sign, or signifier to other people that are a part of that to let them know that we’re all queer together. I’m a bit biased, because I live in the inner west, but I feel that these days I go around Newtown and I have no idea if someone’s queer or not, because that very liberated, queer way of dressing has just spread everywhere, and has also let straight people feel that sense of liberation. Deviation from the norm (conservative, mainstream cishet presentation) is very important in queer history, because it has always been a bit of “going against the man” and rejecting the system.

There is a narrower understanding of queerness in media, which is why I feel it is so important, if you know anyone who is coming to terms with their gender or sexuality, to point them towards youtubers or people who are not very “in a box” about what sexuality and queerness is, because I think that it’s pretty normal when coming to terms with your sexuality to put it into the more known boxes before you kind of unravel what your own sexuality really is. It’s a good start, but I think it would be even better if we had more representations in the media of trans and non-binary people. Bisexuals even, you still don’t see many bi people in media, or if you do, it’s very sexualised and male gaze-y. Which isn’t helpful for young people coming to terms with their sexuality because it can kind of lead them to put themselves in a more narrow box, which can hurt them later on as they aren’t aware of these different ways to be. Going into teaching, I plan to be pushing as much as I can for a lot more stories where characters are not gender conforming, because the more opportunities that young people have when they’re younger to come to terms with their own gender and sexuality, the more they can avoid problems with mental health later on down the line.

For our generation, I feel that the internet has been extremely influential. Queerness in general feels so normalised in areas of the internet which is so crucial to me, and others for coming to terms with their sexuality. Things like Youtube are huge now, and I feel that queer representation on Youtube is growing and growing now, which can be a great resource.

I think that bisexuals in heterosexual relationships are so important, but from my own experience, I feel that their heterosexual partners can feel an urge to squash that part of their identity, which makes me so sad. On the other hand, I know many bisexual people who then take the tack of compensating for their heterosexual relationship by becoming activists to make their identity as a queer person still feel relevant. For myself, I’m in a heterosexual relationship, but it doesn’t do anything to change the fact that I’m still bisexual. I did have a small crisis about my queerness early on, being the president of a queer society in a straight relationship, but now I see myself as a fairly important bisexual person, on a pretty big platform, promoting bi visibility and reminding people that bisexuals in heterosexual relationships are still a part of the lgbt community, especially now that my partner is passing more and more frequently, I’m just seen as a straight person. Two of my bosses at work are dating, both female, and since being with Jess, I cant find a way to drop into conversation with them that I’m also queer with it also feeling like a casual thing, rather than jumping up and down shouting “me too!”

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[annerbhp]

What’s your writing process like?

A hot mess.

No, seriously. It’s a complete mess, but it’s my mess, tailored to me perfectly, and I think that’s the big battle with writing–coming up with a system that works for you, and being able to deal with it and modify when it stops working for you.

Here are my current eleven painful steps to writing a fic:

1. Conception - I daydream a lot. Like, while I’m falling asleep at night, while I’m doing the dishes, taking a shower, commuting to work, running an errand, sitting through boring meetings, I’m constantly running scenes and imagining snippets in my head. This is usually when a new story idea hits me. So I daydream about it for a long time. I start collecting emotions and visualizing moments. A lot of ideas die at this point, getting lost in the chaos of life or just not capturing my attention long term. The ones that do though, eventually crystallize enough that I feel compelled to start actually writing it down.

2. The Mad Scramble - At this point, I open a document and word vomit. It’s a scramble, to try to purge all those various imaginings and scenes and snippets of dialog and feelings and just get them down as fast as possible before they fade or I forget them. Totally out of order, totally unconnected, just vomit, vomit, vomit. Interspersed with brainstorming, since most of my stories are AU, I’ll just write long narratives of where are we, what has changed, why, and often the ideas change and evolve as I am writing them down. That doesn’t make sense, what about this instead? What would happen if that happened? In this phase I try very hard not to edit myself. I always know I can come back later and massage and edit. Again, a lot of stories die in this phase. Or fizzle out and get chucked back in the writing file as another idea starts taking over my daydreaming.

3. Rough Skeleton - After a lot of word vomiting, I usually pull back a bit to try to wrest some sort of logical order. Usually this just means shifting things around so there is a Point A: where the story starts, a Point B: what is the big dramatic beat where conflict erupts?, and a Point C: where are we when it ends? Often these specific three scenes are the first to get written, even if never in their final form. This starts to crystallize the overall journey of the fic. What is the plot change? What is the emotional change? What is the character change? And since I write mostly ship fic: how has the relationship evolved by the end? This is usually the point I can start imagining titles, which lets me know that I kind of know what the point of the fic is.

4. Useless Puttering - Now I descend back into my favorite past time: daydreaming. I imagine scenes, once again totally out of order, but that fill in between Point A and Point B, and Point B and Point C. Other important beats get established. I just dream up dialog and scenes and imagine emotions, and things just happen. Some of them get down on paper again. Not necessarily in their final place, but I get the most important dramatic beats in between the main points. The story is now full of unhelpful notes like: Have Hermione show up here and say something that makes Harry think about blah blah. Or, don’t forget that Ron is still mad at Ginny here. Was blah blah ever explained? And my least favorite placeholder: kissage. Stuff I will go back later and deal with but don’t want to now. I pretty much let myself write whatever the hell I want at this phase (the ‘good’ bits), knowing I can come back to things later. Momentum is too important here.

5. Rereading - Now comes the phase I get stuck in endlessly. At this point, I start obsessively rereading what I’ve already written. On a good day, that means I will start editing and filling out and toning some things down (my first word vomit versions are usually over-the-top DRAMATIC), pulling threads through the fic as I go along, making sure the emotional beats are going in a believable and satisfying way. Chapters start to form if there are going to be chapters. But more often than not I just re-read and re-read with very little changes. This is another big stall out point for me.

6. Walk Away - With almost every story at this point I feel the need to walk away from the story. I get bored with it after re-reading it so many times. I get frustrated. I run out of ideas and I generally stop caring about it. I have to admit, quite a few stories die at this point. And sometimes for good reason. (This is also where I start whining to people who are kind enough to listen, as I am sure @bethanyactually and @weatheredskies and @runawaymarbles can attest.) This is a really good point to put it away and just ignore it. My daydreams go somewhere else (and inevitably this is where my next story is born). When I was writing The Changeling and hit this point, this is where the majority of the Armistice Series was born. When I was stalled out on pick it up, this is where my coffeehouse AU was born. It’s good palette cleanser. Sometimes this lasts a few days, a week, a month. For The Changeling that one time, it lasted A YEAR. (Though there were other Real Life considerations influencing that as well.) I fill out a lot of memes at this point. Get caught up with asks and comments. I read other people’s fic.

7. Hello, Old Friend - If I’ve been away long enough, coming back to the story for a fresh re-read is like coming home to an old friend. Hey, this isn’t as bad as I thought! I really like this bit here. And this new wave of energy comes up. I start daydreaming again, I re-read and modify as I go, and the story starts to fill in more and more. I start getting antsy to share it with people. I might give small snippets to my long-suffering friends who listened to all my complaining.

8. Pen and Ink - At some point the second honeymoon ends, and I start getting frustrated with the document, feel overwhelmed trying to wrap my brain around things. Depending on the size of the story, this might be post-it notes and outlining time, where I use color coded paper and/or pens to make sure there is balance between narrative POVs and plots and themes and whatever threads are being dragged through the fic. I will also hit a point when I can’t edit on the computer anymore and I print out a chapter. I will take that chapter with me to a coffee shop, pull out obnoxiously garish pens, and write all over it. This is how I know I am very nearly there. I will scribble that print out to death. I take a break again here, and then come back and input the edits on my computer. Sometimes the process has to be repeated, but more often than not, the chapter is now in rough draft format.

9. Betas Are a Writer’s Best Friend - At this point I upload the chapter/story to a google doc to share with a beta. For Armistice, I am spoiled enough to have four (!!) people looking at chapters for me right now. One is a literal Squee Beta. She reads it and squees at me and helps me believe that it is not complete garbage. Another is a beta who is very willing to completely disagree with all my life choices, which I find hugely helpful because I have to justify my choices and admit when I’m being lazy–this often leads to disgruntled rewrites that make the story better. My two original betas are great at not just grammar (which boy do I need) and catching mistakes here and there, but discussing character beats and plot points, and asking me questions, and being endlessly willing to just talk about the story with me. (How are there people this awesome that exist?)

10. Final Edits - Sometimes the final edits are painless, but often there is some melodramatic whinging on my part at this point and some rewrites, as I battle the need to just be done with it and getting it done right. Though I am also known for sitting on a final draft far too long. Like, maybe not making a single change for a week, but still not just POSTING it. Again replying to asks and getting caught up on comment replies is my best stall tactic. (hmmmm…)

11. Posting - I usually do this when I am completely sick of the chapter/story. That lets me know I am done. I am no longer daydreaming about that part of the story. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. It becomes this immutable canon-like thing in my head that can’t be changed anymore. So, I post it. And then spend the next day a total and complete wreck as I wait for validation of some sort. If I’m lucky, I get some, ride a high for a few days, and then back to Step 5 for the next chapter, because, boy, if they liked that, I can’t wait to share this next bit with them.

The End

#writing process #i'm a mess #and not stalling out in my process right now #what about this ridiculously long answer would make you think that? #i don't hate chapter five at all #nope #aaaaaaaaaaaaggggghghhhh

[crystarllinevisions]

Get To Know Me: Mystical Version 👽 🔮

I decided to type up a little questionnaire so you guys can get to know me better and then we can tag and pass this around for others to do so we can get to know each other and connect more! ♡ This questionnaire is for Starseeds, Lightworkers, Witches and any other mystical folk 🌙🌟

1. How did you discover that you are a Starseed/Lightworker/Mystical soul?

For basically all of my life, I was interested in the stars, far reaches of space, aliens & UFOs, obsessed really. I always had a spiritual aspect to myself as well, but it wasn't something I understood very much. I got on Tumblr and found a large community of alien/UFO enthusiasts and felt comfortable enough to make my first alien/UFO blog. One day I came across the concept of starseeds and everything clicked for me. I finallllyyyy understood myself so much more! I then had a very intense spiritual awakening involving a astral projection experience in which I left my body and this dimension entirely. I've been on this ride ever since!

2. What star/elemental species do you feel connected to?

Sirians, most of all, but I also have ties in Orion, Arcturus and Lyra (Vega, specifically)

3. Do you feel like you know what your soul mission is or have inklings of what you're supposed to be doing in this life?

Not 100%, honestly. I know that I'm here to help awaken humanity and raise the collective consciousness, but in other areas, I'm so lost! But I know I have big things to do here.

4. Have you ever astral projected or had a lucid dream?

Yes, and I've had some pretty crazy experiences! All of that started after my initial spiritual awakening and it's been one of the most validating experiences of the entire thing.

5. Where do you believe we go when we die?

Back to Source, back to our home in the stars. A place so vast and peaceful that our human brains really can't fully comprehend it.

6. Do you believe you have had contact with an extraterrestrial or any other supernatural entity?

Yes. This includes Greys in my childhood and my spirit guide, Nael, now. I've also seen extraterrestrials in dreams and astral projections.

7. Do you believe in and follow astrology?

Yes, absolutely. Astrology has been one of the biggest influencing factors when it comes to my celestial spirituality. It helped me to understand myself more fully and brought all the pieces of my puzzle together.

8. Do you regularly meditate?

No, actually. I find it incredibly hard to meditate most of the time. My wandering mind is way too much for me to silence, but I do find other creative ways to meditate and find my center, like showering, painting, listening to music, etc.

9. Would you consider yourself to be an empath?

Yes, and no. I think I have more control than other empaths when it comes to switching that part of myself off. Sometimes, it's incredibly overwhelming and other times, I don't feel much at all. I don't know that I would consider myself completely empathic.

10. What are your zodiac signs?

Pisces Sun, Aquarius Moon, Libra Rising.

11. Do you believe in our ability to change and create our own reality?

Yes...and no. I do believe we have an incredible ability to manifest, but I also believe that some things in our reality are just pre-destined. I really do believe in fate.

12. Do you dabble in any divination practices?

Yes! I'm an oracle/tarot reader and I feel like that is a part of my mission on earth, to help people through divination. My Sun in Pisces really shows this, I think! On top of reading for others, I read for myself all. the. time. and it's the way I can most accurately communicate with my spirit guide, Nael.

13. What about magical practices?

I do consider myself a cosmic witch now; I used to not. But I found that I was always doing things like rituals for the moon and it's phases and other things of that sort, so I could no longer really deny that I am a cosmic witch. As a child I had been interested in witchcraft and that fell away for a while, but now it's back for me! I don't go all the way out though, mostly following the moon and the stars and harnessing that energy where I can.

14. What do you think about concepts like extra dimensions, parallel worlds, etc?

I definitely believe in extra dimensions and I'm really intrigued by quantum physics, astronomy, cosmology etc. The Universe is ridiculously expansive and infinite so I think there is a whole lot going on that we don't yet fully understand.

15. Do you believe in ghosts, spirits and demons?

Ghosts/spirits, yes. I've had a lot of different experiences with that realm of the strange and my honest thoughts about it is that a lot of it has to do with residual energy, but some instances are definitely conscious contact. I choose not to believe in demons because the belief fuels and feeds what I believe is a conscious parasite created by overwhelming negative human energy. I don't have experience with demons, nor do I want to.

16. Have you ever had sleep paralysis?

Yes! Many times, actually. I've had a range of scary to good experiences when it comes to sleep paralysis. It's not always a negative thing!

17. Have you ever had any contact with your spirit guides or guardian angels?

Yes, I know one of my spirit guides pretty well. He told me his name is Nael (not quite sure how to pronounce this even still) and he is a 6th Dimensional being from the Sirius star system. In my experience, Nael is actually an alternate dimension version of myself that aids me in my earthly life. I think of him as a separate entity but at the same time understand that he is essentially my higher self, or a version of it. Hope that makes sense!

18. Do you believe in conspiracy theories?

Yes, quite a few of them. Some of them are much too out there for me, like the flat earth theory. But I definitely believe the government knows about and hides the truth of the existence of extraterrestrials interacting with our planet. I also believe that the government has done and continues to do some pretty fucked up things. I could go on about this for days lol.

19. What triggered your spiritual awakening, or was it something always within you?

So, for me, it was a little complicated. I always had this knowing that there was more to life than what immediately met the eye. I always knew I had and was a soul and that there was something after death. But, I went through phases of atheism and trying to ignore that part of myself. I had always been obsessed with space and aliens and came to figure out in later years that I've probably been abducted by aliens. It never once occurred to me that there could be anything spiritual behind that. I was also always very interested in the afterlife. All of this culminated in one day, about 5ish years ago, when I sat down and randomly watched the documentary DMT: The Spirit Molecule. As cheesy as it sounds, this is what triggered my awakening. The blending of science, something tangible like this substance found within the human brain and nature, and the spiritual realm really opened my eyes. I had always been very scientifically minded and never could make those connections between science and spirituality. As I listened to the experiences of the people within the DMT study, tears filled my eyes. They spoke of strange and wonderful alien dimensions and communication with entities. And it was possible to say why, because of the most potent psychedelic drug known to man, and it's found in our BRAIN. While it is not 100% scientifically confirmed that DMT lies in the brain, it has been found in the brains of rodents, and I have my own theories and proof as to why I do believe it is within the human brain as well.

At the point that I watched the documentary, I had already been tiptoeing into this spiritual life. I had already come across the concept of starseeds here on Tumblr and started to wonder. Everything made complete sense to my life but I still resisted claiming the title of starseed. Hearing the truth about DMT, extra dimensions, the entities people experienced and what can only be explained as a much different afterlife than I had previously imagined, nothing else could be false in my mind. If the Universe is that expansive and multidimensional and I'm a part of it and can access those dimensions as well, I could no longer deny my reality of being a starseed.

Not too long after, I had my first real endogenous DMT experience, triggered by conscious intent. This experience occurred within deep REM sleep paralysis that I achieved by sleep deprivation. I had done a bit of research on this and heard this was a way to cause astral projection. I stayed up for a little over 24 hours and as I was falling asleep, repeated a mantra in my mind that I would have an experience during my sleep. I went to another dimension, that much I am sure of, and that is basically where this all began for me.

20. What is the biggest spiritual epiphany you have had during the time you've been awake?

For me, the biggest realization was understanding why I am the way I am. Coming to terms with the person I was meant to be and embracing that despite thinking it's weird or too out there. Not only that, but fully understanding my life and the bigger picture of it. Why things happened that way, why that person did that, and how I ended up to where I am now. And not to mention, the complete validation of all the deeply held beliefs I always had involving the strange nature of reality, and finding out it is far more fantastical than I could have imagined before. Knowing deep within my soul that my spirit will not die on this earth and will go home back to where it came from, the place I often times feel homesick for. That my loved ones and I will never be separated even after leaving our physical bodies. Realizing that I'm one with the Universe as we all are. And that we have so much good to do here. ♡

Okay, guys, your turn! I tag ANYONE who wants to do this! Tag me in the post you make and then tag all your mystical friends! Go here for the unfilled questionnaire!

#get to know me #starseeds #lightworkers #witches #cosmic witch #mystics #mystical #celestial #extraterrestrial

[peachybalm]

thoughs at 10.35pm and a promise to myself

I feel like I really need to get this off my chest and it’s making me really emotional and I’m not the person to ever put my feelings into words — I don’t know how to express what I’m feeling into words and most of the time it just doesn’t make any fucking sense? At all. It sounds so stupid but I dislike knowing that people worry about me because I (honest to god) don’t think that I’m nearly as important. I try to not make anyone worry about me ever and I really do try to hide it but sometimes I guess people just notice and worry about it. I’m not great at hiding it either, everytime people ask me if I’m okay and I say yes and they ask “really though?”, I just get really emotional and want to cry right there and then. And it’s the fact that people care how I’m doing that is making me so emotional. One of my flatmates recently found out that I suffer from depression and anxiety, I was crying so bad when I told another friend about it when she came in.

The story behind it was that I’d told my cousin that I feel so much anxiety, to the point where my hands tremble and I have difficulty breathing and feel nauseous, that I really dislike being in huge crowds or going to clubs or starting a conversation with people. I can’t hold conversations with people because I feel like they might find me boring, in fact I don’t talk to people at all which is why I don’t really know how to socialize. Back when I was a child I had one close friend who I spent time with — but my mum would never let me go out and play with the kids a lot because she pressured me into studying and getting good grades, like a lot of asian parents still do. I feel like a lot of asian kids know how this feels, you start disliking your parents’ teaching methods and how they treat you and eventually, maybe, you become rebellious like I did. I don’t fight with my parents as much as I did back then anymore because they know not to interfere with my ways of thinking and my independence. But I’m still damaged from my childhood and teenage years. The fact that I’ve never really been allowed to go out a lot makes me a person who doesn’t know how to act or how to socialize around people.

And when I told my cousin that, she said I’m tripping. I probably didn’t react much then, I will say this, she isn’t the brightest. So I brushed it off because I’m used to people not believing in mental illnesses. Hell I’ve heard and seen people in my old highschool making fun of a classmate who had to go to rehab and label her as crazy and weird because of her mental illness and because she was different. My cousin called me a few weeks later, telling me that she’s at the mall and there are a lot of people because it was on the weekend, I suppose. She ends with “There are so many people here and I have fucking anxiety because of it.” And that made me so upset. Making me feel stupid about my anxiety and then using the same term to describe what she’s feeling. When I told my friend about it that night, she told me that it wasn’t okay, the way my cousin treated me and the way she made me feel like my feelings weren’t valid, she told me that it made her upset that my cousin has treated me that way and still continues to do so, she told me that I have every right to be upset. I told her that it’s okay, that my cousin didn’t know better, that she shouldn’t be upset about it. I never liked admitting this about myself but despite the ever resting bitch face and sometimes tough persona I put on, I’m incredibly unstable and fragile.

I started crying when I told her the story because I saw how upset she got and that she had tears in her eyes — I felt so much love in that moment, an amount of love I haven’t felt in years. The fact that she just accepted my mental illnesses as if it was nothing and got upset over the way I was treated, it made me so emotional. It made me realize that not everyone is an asshole, that there are people who do care, they care so fucking much. One of my flatmates came in and saw that we were both crying, she didn’t question it and just hugged me, made sure that I was okay. Later another flatmate joined, it was a weird day, everyone was down and troubled with their own problems. I recently found out that one of them suffers from depression and anxiety as well and can relate to what I’m feeling. She frequently asks me if I’m okay and makes sure that I really am. And I’m so grateful for that, I don’t admit a lot that I’m not okay but having someone ask me that fills up my soul with so much love and gratefulness.

My friend told me “The night you went to the club with us — now I know why you left early, there was more to it than just you feeling uneasy. Thank you that you told me.” My parents don’t know what I’m going through despite the fact that I’ve told them multiple times that I just want to die, I just want to end this because I don’t see the purpose in life. They disregard it as a phase, as a rebellious teen who doesn’t know what they’re talking about. I told one of my closest and best friends from highschool — I was so fucking scared that she would also laugh at me but she took it well, making sure that I knew that she understood my problems and making me feel that it’s okay. People on the internet know this about me, I’m open about it because I think that it’s important to talk about mental illnesses. My closest friends at uni know about this, they can relate.

I’m not alone, I’ve started to realize in the past few weeks. My soul feels so heavy, so incredibly heavy from carrying around all the worries and thoughts, the self doubt, loathing, hatred towards myself. My soul feels heavy, knowing that there’s people out there who suffer from mental illnesses but can’t get help and live in an environment where mental illnesses are disregarded. My soul feels heavy, knowing that there is so much injustice in the world, people getting killed, people getting discriminated against because of their skincolour, religion and sexuality. My soul feels heavy, knowing that people I am close to go through so many hardships in their life and I don’t know how to help them, don’t know how to lift the burden and weight off their shoulders. I want to carry it for them, so they won’t have to, I want them to be able to live a carefree life, I want them to be able to look at themselves and be as proud of themselves as I am, to love themselves as much as I do.

And that’s what makes my soul and heart so heavy, not knowing what to do. In PVRIS’ words, “some days I feel everything, others are numbing”. I either feel nothing or everything at once. I still feel like I will get nowhere, I still lay in bed in the morning or at night, overthinking, wondering if it’s worth getting up and doing what I have to do. I question life, I question what I’m doing, when I would be helping people out there, I question uni. My brain is foggy and so messed up, so so messed up that it interferes with my performance. I constantly get mediocre grades or fail at uni — because I overthink, because my brain just straightup shuts down in stressful situations, because my anxiety kicks in. And I blame myself, so much. I blame myself, when I know it comes with my mental illnesses. And I hate that it interferes like that.

When I start feeling, everything comes at once. Like right now, when I’m writing this. It makes me emotional, I’m a very emotional person. I cry everything out, I have too. Years of bottling feelings up does damage to people. I have so much sadness and anger in my heart. That same night that I told my friend about what has been bothering me, I was washing the dishes and Spring Day by BTS came on. Earlier that day I read the lyrics and I really liked them, the imagery they used, the metaphors, the video, the references. And I got so emotional whole washing the dishes that I cried again. I felt it in my heart, the song talks about winter and spring and I felt it in my heart and soul, I felt that I kept my guard up for such a long time that the entirety of what I am just froze over. Just like winter. I long for spring to come again, for me and what I am to thaw again, to be me again, to bloom into a person I want to be. Winter and spring are my favourite seasons. I suffer from seasonal depression as well, my well-being is even worse than usual over the winter months. Winter for me is the season to reflect upon the year, to erase what has hurt you, what is burdening your soul. And spring is the season of rebirth, you redefining yourself, opening your heart and soul, cleansing yourself. And that is what I felt while listening to that song. I want this winter to be over. I want to feel again, feel something different than constant worrying and loathing. I don’t want to question myself why I’m here, why I’m taking up space, why I matter. I want to believe my words when I say that I matter, I belong here and I can achieve my dreams, can make a difference.

I’m loosing track of where I’m going with this but that’s okay. This is the first time I really put onto paper (or screen for that matter) what I feel. And I feel so deeply, for everything. I feel like I’ve started to accept myself more. I feel like I love myself a little more. I feel like I can take more and more steps towards success and if I fail along the way, it’s just a lesson and still another step closer to success. I spent time with my friends over the new year. We talked about so much that I don’t even really remember anymore what we talked about. But I remember feeling loved. Feeling like I belonged, for the first time. Feeling like I’ve found a place in a group of friends who accept me, with all my flaws and quirks and weirdness.

I’m turning 20 this year. I never even thought that I would make it this far. I’ve thought so many times about just ending it. And I’m glad that I didn’t. Because this is me. This is me accepting who I am. This is me, apologizing to myself for all the self hatred and wrongs I did to myself. This is me, unapologetically. I’m Tran — daughter, friend and dreamer. I won’t let people walk all over me again. I will stand up for myself, voice my opinions. I will be open about my sexuality, about my mental illnesses, about my beliefs, about what I’m passionate about. Grades are good, but living your life is more important. I’ve started doing more of what I enjoy — I started playing piano again, drawing, stitching. I’ve started reading more books again. I’ve set myself a routine — getting up at eight, having breakfast, doing chores, checking my phone until ten. I study from ten to twelve, make myself lunch and then study again, until two or four. That is a lot but I don’t pressue myself. I do it at my own tempo. I spend time with my friends and flatmates in the evening, something I’ve neglected because of studying. Studying shouldn’t consume all of your time. You’re more than grades and studying.

My routine is helping me, tremendously. Even if I have my off days where I’m not following the routine, I can still reset and start over the next day. I started eating more, more of everything. I cook for myself, eat my veggies and fruits, drink tea every morning and night. I cook for my flatmates and friends, I take care of them and make sure they’re all well. I walk my friends home, even if it’s just to the train station, it’s my own way of showing them that I care and that I want to make sure they’re safe. Because I can’t help them otherwise, unless they tell me what is bothering them. People have hurt me, left me and made me feel less than I am worth. People look down on me because I’m different, because I don’t believe in the baddie instagram lifestyle. People look down on me because I don’t care how I look like. I’m more than my looks. People look down on me because I’m only 19, I look so young and think I don’t know shit. People don’t like that I talk back.

I’m so grateful, so very grateful to have my friends. I want to thank them, for sticking around with me. Through my mood swings, through my weekly, almost daily, breakdowns, through my jokes about myself, through my problems, through my silence. I don’t have many friends. But those that I have, I’m so grateful for. Because they’ve always seen something in me, have always believed in me and never doubted me. They point out shady shit about myself, they support me, they talk to me on a daily basis, they understand me. And most importantly, they take me as I am and shape me into a better person.

I’ve lived my life wondering whether I will find friends that I will be able to be friends with forever. Friends who I can consider my family. I’ve had a best friend when I was younger, we grew up together — I basically knew her since the day she was born. I was friends with someone at school, someone who then later became best friends with her. I’ve never talked about this but it bothered me so much. They formed a friends group, a group that wouldn’t even have existed, hadn’t it been for me. Because I was the link between all of them. But I was boring, right? I didn’t go out, I hated any interaction with their guy friends. So I was dumped. Me, without whom they wouldn’t even have befriended each other.

I’ve lived my life wondering whether I will ever have a boyfriend. I’m 19, going on 20 and still haven’t kissed anyone. When I was 14, I was confronted about bisexuality on two occasions. My best guy friend telling me that he is bisexual, having met a guy while on holiday that he really liked. I didn’t know how to respond when he texted me that. He assumed that I wasn’t okay with it and I felt so bad — it wasn’t that I wasn’t okay with it, at that age, I just hadn’t thought of topics like these yet. I made sure he knew that I was okay with it. That I still love him and support him, no matter what. An online friend that I made through tumblr, who is still my friend and someone who I love dearly, was in a relationship with a mutual friend, both female. That was the time where I really started thinking about love. Now I’m 19 and I’ve realized, I’m pansexual. I’m capable of loving anyone, regardless of what gender they identify with.

I have found these awesome people. Friends whom I consider my family. The family I wish I had, the support that I wish I’d received all these years ago. My ride or dies. I don’t need a partner now. I won’t need them later. I do crave someone I can share that bond with. But that isn’t my priority. My priority is myself, and the people I have around me. Friends that I’m willing to die for, friends that I know will stick around forever. And I want to help them, as much as they've helped me. I want to help them grow as well.

I’ve cried so much while writing this and I will cry so much more. I will continue having breakdowns, sleepless nights, days where I feel helpless. And that’s okay. I am not my mental illness. I am me, and I fucking love this badass queen who melts at photos of Jin or Yoongi and loves dogs with all her heart. I will grow so much this year. Above and beyond what people think of me. My 20th year on this earth will be the best so far. And I know it. Because spring is coming.

[meusyou-blog1]

Discovering Me

I haven’t posted in a while. Things got too busy, but something has changed since the last post. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and the most important thing I’ve learned has to do with this month, Pride Month. 

Buckle up. This will be a long ride. But don’t worry. There will be a tl;dr at the bottom.

CW: Discussion of Erasure, Discourse, brief discussion of rape (#6 on lists), some foul language, let me know if I missed anything.

This past year, I learned that I am asexual. Not only am I asexual, but I’m questioning my romantic orientation. Maybe I’m heteroromantic, and maybe I’m biromantic. Questioning is what started my journey to discovering my asexuality, so I’m embracing this next step in my journey, to fight against my internalized behavior and view on certain subjects and break free to discovering me. But this post isn’t so much about that. That will be a different post, maybe tomorrow or maybe next year. Who knows. Discovering Me Part 2 is on the way.

This post is about my experience within my first year of embracing Asexuality. No one else, though part of my observations have included many people within the Asexual community. If you want to skip this paragraph, feel free, but this is a quick summary of the discovery process. Many moons ago (cheap way to get out of actually having the figure out the years) I met one of my closest friends on a website. We began discussing many subjects, and eventually landed on the subject of sexuality. It was at this point that I learned what Asexuality was. It was the first time I’d ever heard of it. Outside of biology, of course. I had so much to learn, and in learning, I discovered that we had a lot in common. It took me years to figure out that this was because I was, in fact, asexual. My whole life, I’ve been asexual, and never knew. 

Since coming out as Asexual, I’ve never felt better about myself. I’ve learned that there is nothing wrong with me, because there are others like me and I am valid. It’s okay to not feel sexual attraction and it’s okay to not want to engage in sexual activities. Even more so, sexuality is a spectrum and one can be fluid. It’s now my belief that sexual and romantic orientation can be static or fluid equally, and it depends on the individual.

Now, the reason for this post. It’s the end of Pride Month. My first Pride Month. I was so happy to be me, and I was so happy to be able to celebrate with the other Aces I’ve met through group pages on Tumblr and Facebook. There was a lot of positivity for each other in these groups. But what I found outside of them?

Quite frankly, a lot of the behavior has been disgraceful.

Now wait. I’m sure there are plenty of people already writing responses to say how I’m ‘making something out of nothing’ or ‘trying to play the victim.’ Hell, I’m sure there are people who already stopped reading to tell me how I’m not valid. But see, that’s the point of this post. 

Let me list a few things I’ve learned this month about Asexuality specifically. If I talked about everything, this would be the longest post ever, and no one is going to read it anyway so I might as well just cover the one thing. I may or may not agree with these things, we’ll get to that later. This is just a list of what I’ve observed. I will edit as necessary.

1. Asexuals are not oppressed. 

2. Asexuality isn’t a real sexuality.

3. Cisgender, Heteroromantic Asexuals do not belong in the LGBTQIA+ community.

4. Asexuals likely suffer from something (trauma, low libido, blahblahBLAHblahblah, what have you...)

5. Asexuals, by creating their own community, are threatening the LGBTQIA+ community. 

6. The use of the term “Corrective Rape” is inappropriate and an insult to lesbians for which the term was originally used.

These were the biggest ones. There were others, and if anyone is reading this, please feel free to continue this list if you like. Discussion is the point. Also, before we continue, yes, I know not all LGBTQIA+. We have a ton of supporters in the community, and we’re all aware and grateful for the support, just as you are of your supporters. But the others. Those who don’t support. They often have the loudest voices. I’m sure you know. 

Now, I’m not trying to overshadow anyone else’s problems. Trans and Bisexuals in the community are getting a lot of hate from the community as well. I recognize and understand that. Most of us in the Asexual community do. So let’s just start with one easy fact we can all agree on, yes?

For most of us, we feel we were born this way. Of course, other situations can play into our current orientations. But most of us believe that the way we are is the way we’ve always been, at least to some degree. That’s part of the joy of being ‘out,’ isn’t it? So I can’t blame a gay man for only liking men in that manner. Nor can I blame a trans woman for being a woman. No one can blame me for not feeling sexual attraction, or a demisexual for only feeling sexual attraction after creating a strong emotional bond. See, sexuality and romantic orientation are almost impossible to lump into groups. Everyone has a different experience, and that’s why spectrums exist. We need to respect that while someone is under an umbrella term, they may not identify entirely with the majority. One small change is all it takes to be viewed as an outsider. Or at least that’s what I have observed. All sexualities are valid. This does not include anything outside of sexual attraction, though. Do not be confused, and do not tell me pedophiles belong in the lgbtqia+ community. That is a different discussion. Moving on. Let’s talk about the list. 

1. Asexuals are not oppressed. Wrong. NOW WAIT! Before you start typing away, here’s why: Oppression comes in many shapes and sizes. No one is saying we are getting killed in the streets during daytime because we don’t feel sexual attraction. Literally no one, and I’ve been looking. We are not comparing ourselves to other members of the community. We are not systematically oppressed. Sure. But we are oppressed to some degree (This is not to say we are oppressed by outside hate groups). Oppression isn’t a race to the finish line. It’s not a ‘who has it worse’ game. Oppression sucks no matter how much you experience. Telling me that I have never been called an abomination just walking down the street, so that doesn’t make me a member of the community, is the most ridiculous fucking thing I’ve ever heard. “Did you get threatened today? I did. Out with you!” Hi. I have news for you. Perhaps we are not getting death threats from as many straight people as you. But guess what? If you’re about to type in the comments “If you’re not systemically oppressed, you don’t belong in the community,” Many people would say YOU’RE THE OPPRESSOR HI HELLO.

We want other people who AREN’T THE SAME AS US to say “Hi. You’re Asexual? That’s neat. I’m ____. Wanna be friends?” Instead of “Hi. You’re Asexual? Here’s why you’re not.” This, friends, is erasure. It takes many forms, but this one is pretty common. “Oh you just have a low libido/you haven’t met the right person yet/have you tried having sex/etc.” Basically, people are telling us our sexuality is not valid, and more of a ‘phase’ that can be ‘cured’ in some shape or form. Is erasure oppression? A little bit, I’d think. Doesn’t it sound familiar? I mostly think that because other groups have brought up their own erasure as a form of oppression in the past. So....? Let’s move forward.

I’m going to bring number 6 up as it’s own, so have patience. We’re gonna skip right over to the community here. We covered erasure. Let’s next talk about the definition of Oppression. Feel free to look it up on google. Here are some keywords/phrases: Burdened by troubles, adverse conditions, anxiety, etc. The exercise of authority or power in a burdensome, cruel, or unjust manner. 

Oh, Tumblr. How guilty you are. Not just you, of course, but let’s just jump right into the toxicity of many loud bloggers. Cisgender Heteromantic Asexuals often experience not only erasure but straight up bullying. Yes ladies and gents and those in between, cyber bullying. This is not my main blog. This is my ‘who cares what anyone else reads or says of mine’ blog. I have been told I don’t exist. I have been told I don’t belong. I have been told I don’t belong in the community. I have been told I must be a bad girlfriend, unable to provide. I have been told I will never find love, and will die alone. What was that definition again? The exercise of authority or power in a what manner? Get this! most often than not, I am not asked my romantic orientation. I am not given a chance to say “I currently identify as heterosexual, but I’m questioning if I may be bisexual.” That is an afterthought, after all the acid has been spewed. 

I have been told I just need a good lay to be normal. I have been the butt of jokes, because being Asexual is apparently funny. I have been coerced into sexual activities with their partners, even though I didn’t want to. I have been told that I can be ‘fixed’ if I just open up to a therapist (which, btw, for those who don’t know, I’ve been told multiple times that Asexuality was considered a mental illness until like 2013). I have been told, many times, that I should just ‘kill myself’. Not only by straight people. That’s right. Members of the community. All of these Ace Hate pages? Yes, hello, welcome to the party. You are the oppressors! 

I also want to point out that, again, everything is a spectrum. There are Cisgender HETEROROMANTIC Bisexuals. It happens. There are Cisgender Heteroromantic Homosexuals who may choose not to identify as bisexual, and that is their choice. So what makes me straight if I identify as a Cisgender Heteroromantic Asexual? That is not heteronormative.

2. Asexuality isn’t a real sexuality. Well, maybe you’re right. I don’t know. I’m not the authority on this, and you sure as hell aren’t either. I didn’t sign up for this. But let’s talk about sexuality. When we label our sexuality, we are effectively saying “this gets me going.” We’re saying I am sexually attracted to ____. So Asexuals are saying “I am sexually attracted to nothing.” Now, that’s a generalization because again, spectrum, but you get the idea. So maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s just a name for nothing. But where it gets tricky is when we talk about sex-positivity, sex-neutrality, and sex-repulsivity. These are a part of the spectrum of Asexuality, and I’m sure you’re all smart enough to figure out what it means. Basically, you either view sex positively and may like to participate, you don’t care either way, or sex is gross for whatever reason. Everyone perceives sex differently. That’s okay. I think by saying Asexual isn’t a real sexuality, people are erasing that some Asexuals do actually have sex. I don’t know. Could just be me. Either way, I consider Asexuality a real sexuality, because otherwise, I am nothing. I’m not straight. Just a bit of space dust on a rock. :) 

3. Cisgender, Heteroromantic Asexuals do not belong in the community. Why? If you read the last couple paragraphs for my explanation of number 1, as well as my response to number 2, this shouldn’t still be an argument. Let’s discuss what it means to be straight. You must be 3 things to be straight. 1) Cisgender. Check. I bring this up because, while it has been pointed out this is a transphobic statement (which is not my intention,) it is used in arguments literally all the time against asexuals, and therefore, it is only my observation that people are using this to reinforce being ‘straight’. Many people in the community are cisgendered, so watch out! You could be straight, too! Hold on, calm down, two more to go. 2) Heteroromantic. Check(ish?). Phew, some of you are safe! But, still, not all. See, as I stated above, being a certain orientation sexually is not always mirrored romantically. For instance, and this is a real person I know, I have a Heteroromantic friend who is quite Bisexual. There’s totally nothing wrong with that. In fact, it’s great. Because, again, spectrum. So look out! You’re not all safe yet! Here we go.....drumroll....3) Heterosexual. Ouch! Missed by one. How’d everyone else do? If you said yes to all 3, you’re straight! If not, guess what! You’re not! And that’s awesome. Everything is awesome. Be who you are proudly! But most of all, stop shitting on everyone else. Now, I understand some straight people are shitty. But some people in the community can be just as shitty. Please see my response to number 1. ;) Basically, if you ain’t straight, you’re in the community, friend! It’s based off of an early principle of the community - You are welcome if you fall outside of heteronormativity. 

4. Asexuality is likely a result of abuse, trauma, illness, etc... Okay so most of the time I hear this from straight people. I’m not surprised. It’s okay to not understand something. But know when to listen and have an open mind. At the end of the day, you need to stay in your lane. It’s cool. It’s a learning process.

Now, for community members who say this. Are you for real? Don’t you remember when people were saying that about you? Treating your orientations as a phase? Telling you it must be from all that abuse, or because mommy let you join choir instead of football, or daddy didn’t let you date? Don’t you remember when everyone thought it was a mental illness? They still say it! You’re still hearing it! Or have you forgotten so quickly? Why do you say this to us? And for those of us for which this statement is true, why in hell does this make us less valid? Whether it was the result of abuse, trauma, etc., or not, it’s not your job to tell us why we are the way we are. Instead of shaming us for the result, try welcoming us and treating us as friends. Again, we’re not getting killed in the streets. No, I don’t fear for my life because I say I’m Asexual. But our emotions are valid, and emotional trauma as well as physical trauma is tragic when happening to anyone. Just because asexuality =/= death (yet, since it’s still barely known who knows what could happen), doesn’t mean we don’t need a space. It’s a smaller space. We’re fine with that. 

5. Asexual communities are a threat to LGBTQIA+ communities. How? Somewhere I read that Asexuals currently make up less than 1% of the population. Maybe that number just came out of someone’s ass, but we’re definitely a minority. I know 2 people irl who identify on the Asexual spectrum. 2. In 25 years of living. Honestly, who knows how many of us are out there, because many people don’t even know what Asexuality is yet, as evidenced by the “you can’t reproduce by yourself” messages some Ace groups get. They’re quite funny. Anyway, yes. We have our own community. It is the Ace community. Are you Ace? You’re in the community. Welcome. Are you Trans? You’re in the Trans community. Are you Gay? You’re in the Gay community. See how this works? And, are you not straight? Welcome. You are in the LGBTQIA+ community. 

Nay-sayers have been telling us to create our own community since we’ve been vocal about our sexuality. “You don’t belong here. If you want a safe space, make your own.” We made our community a little more solid. “How dare you try to overshadow us and steal our resources!” Okay. You’re ridiculous. 

The fact of the matter is, you’re not going to be happy so long as we exist. It’s a lonely world out there, especially when you feel like you don’t belong. Or did you not experience that? Must be nice. Maybe you’ve forgotten. No one understands us completely except for other people like us. So of COURSE we have a community. Just like you do. It’s nice. It helps us feel valid. It’s a support system for when something else in our life falls to hell because, surprise, we’re not ‘normal’. But we’re so. small. We want to be part of something bigger so that we can feel accepted and bond over our shared experiences, instead of being reminded of how we’re different. Isn’t that what you wanted? Did you forget? 

One last note on this. I have seen a LOT of arguments about whether or not the A stands for Ally or Asexual, or both (I mean, the Q is Queer or Questioning, right?) but some people (in and out of our community) feel that straight allies receive less push back than asexuals in the community. Strange. Now, I haven’t seen this because I steer clear of most LGBTQIA+ events. Why? Well I would love to participate, but I’m afraid of being harassed by people who think I don’t belong. So I can show up as an Ally, but I can’t show up as an Asexual? What if I want to be an Ally? I want to help your fight. It’s awful what happens to you. I can’t be, because I’m Asexual? Because I’m not going to keep my Asexuality to myself. I’m proud of my Asexuality. So evidently, I can’t be both. Isn’t the community about several smaller communities coming together to fight for rights and visibility? If the Asexual community wants to join your fight and help the larger community, why is that so terrible?

6. Corrective Rape is a term that was created specifically for Lesbians is how this was first put to me. I nearly choked on air. Yes, Lesbians and female bisexuals (males as well? Let me know if this is the case-) are treated horribly by many societies. Yes, they are raped to teach them the ‘correct’ way to be. It’s disgusting. Everyone knows it’s disgusting, and as a woman who was assaulted in a very different situation, I can tell you firsthand it’s one of the worst things that can happen to a human being. 

I have a story that some of you may not want to read, so skip this if you feel you may get upset. It involves a woman who is Asexual, and a man who is not. The woman trusts this man. He is a father, or brother, or relative, or husband, or date, or stranger. This woman tells this man that she does not feel sexual attraction. Maybe she needed to tell someone. Maybe she needed to tell him so he didn’t create expectations. Maybe she’s just very open about herself and very proud of who she is. Then, this man laughs at her and tells her she’s silly. He tells her she just hasn’t had a good fuck. She becomes offended, and tries to explain her sexuality, but he continues to laugh at her and says he knows how to ‘fix’ her. Maybe he tries.

Get the picture? I won’t continue. We all know what happens next. What does that sound like, to you? Does it sound like a normal rape story? Sure. Except for one keyword. Fix. What about if the man suddenly became irrationally angry? Does that make it more convincing? That happens, too. Either way, in some way or another, it is done with the goal to ‘fix’ her. Or him. Or them. Whoever it may be in this story. Because there are a million different ways this story could go. So tell me. What does this sound like to you? Does it sound like rape with the purpose of correcting? 

Some people argue that the term was ‘coined’ (as was said to me) for Lesbians. But this term is describing an event. Look up the definition. Whether or not that is the case, this is the best way to describe this situation. And it happens. Like it or not, you can’t change that. No one can. And to look someone in the face and say that despite your experiences, you’re not valid? 

Like it or not, if someone is not Cisgender, Heteroromantic, and Heterosexual all at the same time, they are not straight. That is what straight is. You can’t change that definition to *gasp* exclude someone. It’s not your job. This community is about providing a safe space, for everyone to feel welcome and included because we don’t fit in with straight people. Yes, some groups experience more dangerous oppression than others, and they deserve all the resources they require. Yes, other groups needs to recognize when they do not need certain resources. But we all need to realize that oppression in any form is toxic. It is painful, and we could all use love and acceptance. This is working together to understand that we all hurt, but some of us are privileged in being able to have only emotional hurt, instead of physical and emotional hurt. That doesn’t make the hurt less valid. Ever. But it certainly means we have a space, and we need to stay in it. Everyone in the community should be of this mindset: “Come in, join us. You belong somewhere. You are valid. Here is your space. Please stay in your space.” This is working together to create a better community than we left. A better community than the one that rejected us all. 

Happy Pride Month, everyone. I’m PROUD to be a Cisgender, Heteroromanticish Asexual, and I am PROUD to be a part of the LGBTQIA+ community! 

TL;DR: 

You know what? I can’t condense that. It’s all too important. But I WILL leave a reminder: I am but one person speaking on my own about things I have observed in and out of the community. These are my thoughts as it stands, and of course are subject to change. I am open to discussion, and more than willing to learn more about other people’s experiences. 

Finally, most of this post WAS aimed at the minority. Most people in the community do not sit around and hate on Asexuals. I said it earlier and I will say it again and again. But hopefully this post was informative for somebody.

#asexual #pride #pride month #lgbtqia #oppression #ace #ace discourse #ace erasure #ace pride

[orrtala]

The relationships between the cast

Post S1 analysis

Yeah, it’s long again. Under the cut you go!

Wander & Sylvia

(a.k.a. these to make me emotional)

Man, these two…

Wander and Sylvia's friendship was, is, and will be a heart of the show. They compliment each other, they need each other, they make a great pair.

This season we've learned how did they meet – Sylvia used to be a bounty hunter and a furry orange weirdo was her latest mark. Who put a bounty on his head? Why? And how was he named on the wanted poster anyway? Yeah, the biggest S2 plot twist was revelation that Sylvia was the one who gave Wander his name. That's sweet, unexpected, and absolutely fits them.

Their friendship is so strong it didn't actually take any big hits? Wander messes up things and Sylvia's upset, sure, but reassures him that understanding that is a first step to make things right. Wander splits up into hundreds of personalities and Sylvia makes sure that every single one goes back to the original Spoon. Even in case of the erased duo from "The Waste of Time" after spending 50 years stuck in one place they just reaffirm their friendship by hugging each other and exchanging goobyes while disappearing. In "The Matchmaker" Wander pretty much says that their friendship is the biggest treasure they have and they both know it.

There is a case of Wander's immortality. Or longevity, who knows. Not only Sylvia will die beofre him, but it's also implied he had friends, travel partners like her before. And probably will continue to to have those in future. But there's also a fact that writers decided to show us this period in his life and, well, not to undermine the other travel buddies, but Sylvia must be really, really special for Wander compared to others.

Apart from maybe learning more about their past together I imagine they'd continue a trend of being the best friends this galaxy has ever seen. And that's all I could ask for, really.

Wander & Hater

(a.k.a. “Reforming a villain” w.i.p.)

The season starts with a reveal that Hater fell down from his position as 'the greatest in the galaxy', mainly thanks to Wander; our resident villain has problems with ignoring furry weirdo who constantly plays on his nerves and is distracted enough to forget his evil overlord duties. Even Dominator seems not be enough when you can marry destroy your happy-go-lucky nemesis or play a game of tag.

In "The Fremergency Fronfract" Hater gets zapped and doesn't really remember who he is and with Wander spends the whole day playing, having fun, and, later, at loopy!Hater's request, performing good deeds. And Wander doesn't want to let go of his new friend! He considers zapping him again and again, just so they could stay like that! That's… messed up and Spoon acknowledges that, letting Hater go. Though not without shedding some tears here and there. It was pretty important episode for both of them, though mostly to Wander; I bet Hater put an entire blame on the dentists regarding his behaviour. The ring left behind serves as a nice metaphor; Wander didn't get what he truly wanted (Hater's friendship) and was left with a cheap prize, which also serves as a symbol of hope that things will eventually get better.

Hater is actively afraid of Wander, because he thinks the furry weirdo may succeed. And, since he thinks of himself as an evil being, he sees is it as brainwashing. Which is not the case, although when you remind yourself of what Wander almost did in "The Fremergancy Fronfract" this line of thinking is not without its reasons.

Wander continues his quest on getting Hater reformed – this time he decided use power of luuuuuv. He does succeed, partially. Skeleton man does fall for Dom, reveals his softer side, is willing to admit somebody else is better than him and learns some empathy. Hater's on his way to be a good guy thanks to Wander.

In the middle of the crush mess they find a common ground. And, well, while they did work on wrong assumptions it was a common ground nonetheless. In "My Fair Hatey" Hater asked Wander specifically for help. …Mostly because he was the only one who cheered him on, but it was a big moment for them.

Of course I have to mention "The Hole…Lotta Nuthin'" too. Hater is mean, obnoxious and downright cruel to Wander (though he does stop himself before making him cry). Hater loves to be mean, to bully others and he finally got his chance to do it with Wander, of course he wasn't going to pass that opportunity. One of the reasons why he claims to hate our hero is that Wander easily presses on all his buttons, and there's not much that phases him.

Near the end Hater doesn't seem to hate Wander that much, but is still unwilling to be a good guy. He'll get there. Sometime in a future. And they will become friends.

He did save his life after all.

Hater & Sylvia

(a.k.a. I’m pretty sure this ^ ^ is the only scene they were alone on the screen in S2, give me more)

Sadly not much to talk about here. Hater and Sylvia barely interacted and the only one-on-one I can recall was in the finale, when our favorite zbornak started screaming: "Hate's Great, Best Villain" to help him fight Dom back and save the last planet in the galaxy. It was still pretty important moment; at this point Sylvia treated Hater as an ally, as a friend in who she recognized the need to be validated. And, well, he did save her life when stopping the drill before it could destroy the planet, so there's that.

Aside from that there was always Peepers and/or Wander nearby. Let's hope they'll get some more scenes together alone in the future.

Peepers & Hater

(a.k.a. we’re each others’ means to an end but also kind of friends)

Ah,these two. These two came a loooooong way since S1.

They took me by surprise. I honestly expected them to split up, to Peepers start working for Dominator, to them becoming enemies with each other. And, well, I wasn't that far from the truth, it seems. But what happened is that they repaired their relationship to the point of becoming friends. Sort of.

And all that thanks to Wander.

After falling down from the #1 spot on the leaderboard Peepers is exasperated with Hater and tries to get him back on the top. He's not afraid to speak up anymore, he's sassy, he's complaining. Which leads him to being fired.

Commander acknowledged that he wasn't able to conquer the galaxy on his own a long time ago, and settled down with helping Hater to acieve this goal. Hater in turn needed to learn he was not going to be an evil overlord for too long without watchdog's help. "The Axe" also showed us, through Peepers' flashbacks, that they did have fun together in the past, though it clearly meant much more to Commander than the Lord. In the end everything works out when Hater gets Peepers to come back to him and the little Commander even gets a statue of himself. Which was completely unprompted action on skeleton man's part; he already got his Commander back.

Also they seem to have a bone pool on the skullship what the flarp.

In "The It" Hater proves he's very much incompetent leader when Wander's involved and Peepers learns there will be more times he'll have to put his boss aside more when it comes to conquering, letting him only focus on intimidation part. And that's only sometimes.

Since presenting plans his way is boring to Hater, they… start to play with figurines. But they get to spend more time together! Having fun! It's all fine and dandy until Awesome shows up. What's interesting that through the entire "The Cool Guy" Hater tries to get Peepers to have fun with him and Emperor Awesome, only to constantly be dissuaded by shark man himself. But he doesn't stop and at the end wants them both watch the invasion together prepared by Commander. And he believes it's going to work, it's Peepers who planned after all, with figurines and all! Peepers gets more and more worried and angry during the episode, until the invasion time comes and he's willing to lead it by himself, out loud acknowledging and mocking Hater's true dreams. So it's interesting to watch that while Hater was the mean guy on surface, with escaping with Awesome and whatnot, it's Peepers who's ready to commit a treason. Still, we get to see Hater caring about his Commander and everyone's happy. Maybe besides Awesome, who still have to pick up all his fishbones after the beating Hater gave him.

While in "The Rager" Hater's shown to be listening to Peepers with only mild complaining, we get a really shocking image of skeleton man hitting his Commander in "The Good Bad Guy". It's weird, since it wasn't that surprising to see such scene in S1, but at this point? Hater, no, what are you doing, you're being… friend-ish with each other, don't.

The Hater's crush arc begins and Peepers is done. He worked hard to get Hater working with him despite constant distractions, and even got him on second place on the leaderboard, but this is too much. He becomes more and more exasperated, finally snapping and fighting his boss back for the Hat in "The Bad Hatter". Everything gets back to normal afterwards, but that was yet another moment that perhaps was foreshadowing for Peepers' future betrayal?

Still, as the season went, it really showed both of them went a long way and their relationship evolved for better despite the setbacks. And partly thanks to them.

…Although I am pretty sure there is supposed to be a treason/betrayal arc for Peepers in S3. But Hater could be the one to get him out of it, given their relationship.

Peepers & Sylvia

(a.k.a. welcome to frenemies paradise)

I mentioned already that while this relationship is important to both of them, it's more important to Peeeprs than Sylvia. For zbornak Commander is a bad guy with who, to her surprise, she found a common ground with. She's willing to work with him (not without complaining, of course,) especially when it comes to bringing down Dominator.

Peepers meanwhile doesn't really have anyone he could see on the same level (metaphorically, of course; I'm not sure Commander could find anyone who'd be able to look straight into his eye without bending, hehe). Hater, while on friendly-ish terms with him, is still his boss. He doesn't care about other villains personally, they're just obstacles on his way to becoming #1 once again. He doesn't want to associate himseld with other watcdogs aside from them being soldiers in his army. He wishes he and Hater could go on by ignoring Wander.

And then there's Sylvia, who's similiar to him, a person who can empathize with him.

Through "The Show Stopper" they work together, trying to dissuade Hater's crush on Dom, and even succeed. Not without bickering and showing a slight disgust with each other, but they are on their way on becoming frenemies.

In "My Fair Hatey" Peepers gets Sylvia's help and they both are working together on beating Dominator while 'their idiots' are busy wooing her. They show they can work great together, and have at that!

Also they sing together and it's great.

In "The End of the Galaxy" near the end Peepers and watchdogs save Sylvia's life and my skin is clear.

These two are very interesting cause back in S1 they barely interacted with each other. Then S2 happened and look at them, fighting together back to back, taking matters in their hands, singing duets. Being frenemies.

Also if there were any plans on making canon pairings in a future? These two have the biggest shot.

Peepers & Wander

(a.k.a. still main conflict of the show, but even fewer interactions)

I wish I had something more to say, but.

I talked in post S1 analysis why I think they don't interact much. Peepers would gladly ignore Wander while Wander kind of underestimates Peepers. And yet they still represent the main conflict of the show: getting Hater on a good/bad side.

But. They had few small interactions. Commander was willing to use wandering weirdo to stop Hater's long performance, sadly it backfired.

And there was this conversation in "The Robomechabotatron". And it was great! I loved how they adressed their conflict under the guise of titular robot. Though Hater's reaction made it less subtle than they meant it to be.

I'm hoping for more interactions in future though. They are bound to be interesting, especially if my theory about C-Peeps trying to be villain on his own would become true.

Main Four

(a.k.a. teamwork is important but one of them can’t do teamwork stuff)

These guys were shown more and more together, mostly in four main episodes and "The Robomechabotatron".

At the beginning they were only running into each other and then escaped Dom's ship together. Then they were fighting each other, but circumstances made Peepers and Sylvia team up to save Wander and Hater on multiple occasions ("The Battle Royale", "The Show Stopper", "My Fair Hatey") while 'their idiots' were busy fooling around to get Dom's attention. They escaped Dominator's ship yet again, everyone had their part in the plan. In the last episode the three of them worked together on the planet, while Wander was up in Dom's ship, also playing his part.

And then there's "The Robomechabotatron". Wander wants them to all work together. Everyone else refuses. Peepers and Hater are later willing to team up after learning they need four pilots. Sylvia refuses. The three of them fight, but Wander's here to save the day and makes them reconsider their actions.

They team up, get into the robot, ready to fight Dom and- Actually no, because Wander ruins everything. Ah, the irony. And he doesn't even acknowledge it.

On the surface "The Robomechabotatron" is a story about main four not being good enough to work together yet and they are set up for teamwork for future. And it is partially that. But the bigger problem here?

Wander is bad at teamwork.

Yeah, the guy who wants everyone to work together, who wants everyone to get along, who loves working with others… As long as he's in charge and no one tells him what to do. Remember, there is a mischevious/contrary Wander after all. He has his own ideas and ethics and it's fine, but maybe he should have let them know about his priorites before starting anything. Everyone else were ready to fight Dom, but Wander ruined everything.

And I'm really, really curious how they'd go with that in S3.

Dominator & Hater

(a.k.a. a crush that unsurprisingly went nowhere)

I remember how at the beginning of "The Search for Captain Tim" Hater entered his room wailing how much he hates that Dominator guy, because he's so cool. Then he cried how much he likes her because she's so cool. Then he was complaining about lack of taquitos, because wow, yeah, totally over Dom, not that he's distracting himself or anything. And I guess he actually likes taquitos.

And that's pretty much Hater's side of things. At the beginning he hated the guy, but also admired him in a way, about cool he was and was jelaous about that. Plus he did steal his image, so there was also a thing to be mad about.

But near the end of "The Battle Royale" Dominator lost her helmet and he – figuratively and literally – fell for her. Hard. And then tried to impress her and ask her out. Again, again, and again, failing each time.

It culminated in "My Fair Hatey", where Hater did the whole musical gig for her, which backfired completely and both he and Wander were almost destroyed by his lady love. Thanks to that experience he was afraid of her and felt humiliated enough to not actually fight back until the season finale, but he also gained some character development.

On Dom's side? She didn't care about the guy. Upon seeing he was sweet on her she used that against him twice, but otherwise didn't give him much thought. He was just another villain who yet had to bow down before her like everyone else. Though breaking his heart was a nice bonus, I suppose.

In the end she underestimated him, though she did fight back with words, taking jabs at his insecurities. Power of love and friendship saved the day, Dom lost and… Was ultimately saved wy Wander and Hater.

Dominator & Wander

(a.k.a. the same yet so different)

They're crazy. They're energetic. They love what they're doing. They wear sneakers. They… didn't really interact until finale.

Yeah, really. In "The Greater Hater" while Wander tried to engage newcomer into conversation, Dom didn't react, which made our furry hero mad. In "The Battle Royale" Wander got a glimpse at dancing Dominator without her armor and tried to set her up with Hater. Again, he was talking to her, while she ignored him. In "My Fair Hatey" he didn't say a word to her, leaving singing to Hater. It's Dom who spoke to him, to make fun of him and inform him about his inevitable demise.

Well, there was a small moment in "The Flower", where she tormented both him and Syl and he wished her gesundheit twice, but I'm not sure if it counts in grand scheme of things.

In "The End of the Galaxy" Wander finally confronts Dom. "Hey, you're not letting your bots destroy me!" "Yeah, because I want to destroy you." "Why are you like this?" "Yeah, I know I'm great."

Through the series Wander believes that love will save Dom just like it's going to save Hater. Problem is, Dominator loves what she's doing. She's not a pragmatic villain. She just destroys everything for fun. She makes everyone miserable for fun. How do you fight love with love?

After revealing the last planet's existence Dom torments Wander even more, almost destroying Sylvia and the whole planet, if it wasn't for Hater's intervention. Skeleton man fights her back and once and for all destroys her whole ship using her drill, which trapped her inside, causing her to have breakdown.

And then Wander finally gets the problem: Dom's lonely. She's stuck, tries to answer, then doesn't want to listen to him yet does it anyway, which only amplifies her breakdown. Wander (along with Hater) saves her life and she can not comprehend that. "Didn't I try to destroy you?" "You sure did! But we can begin anew!" Of course she refuses, it's way too early to talk about redemption of any kind for her.

It's curious how much alike they are, yet how much their worldviews seperate them. They are each others' foils, the light and dark reflections in a mirror. One wants to help everyone and be kind, while other thrives on pain and suffering. Dominator wanted to make him helpless, but in the end it was Dominator who was proved wrong. And she swore revenge if only for that. I guess that in the future she'll be set on making him suffer by proving him wrong, make him question his moralities and actions. Well, she and new villains that is.

Peepers & Dominator

(a.k.a. let them interact for flarp’s sake)

Boy, do I wish these two interacted more. Aren't they like the two most evil people on the show?

From Peepers' side he wishes Dom would never appear in his galaxy, she only caused trouble. First by being #1 on the leaderboard, destroying every planet in sight, and then he had to deal with Hater's crush on her. He treated it rather personally, and tried to defeat her by using frostonium on her ship, which, sadly, backfired.

Dominator in turn was definitely unnerved by his actions in the season premiere and musical, but ultimately? She probably didn't remember his name. Maybe just associated him with the rest of the idiots at best.

*bangs fists on the table* Give! Me! Peepers! And! Dominator! Interacting! In! Season! Three!

Dominator & Sylvia

(a.k.a. I hanged out with WHO?!)

These two definitely had fun in "The Night Out". Sylvia couldn't recognize Dom, she didn't really got to meet her, only saw without armor her from far, far away back in "The Battle Royale" and the villainess decided to use it. And… they had fun. They had actual fun together.

Dom didn't even had to pretend that much, she was only not destroying everything entirely, but still got to trash the whole bar. Meanwhile Sylvia was glad she got a moment free from good-doing. And tried to impress 'D' by being a bad girl for a night.

Of course everything came to a screeching halt when Dom's tendencies came out and Sylvia put her foot down. Dominator left still not understaning what friendship is all about and Syl had to deal with knowledge she spend the whole night with the omnicidal maniac.

What's interesting about it is that both of them had fun, Sylvia called 'D' her friend, and Dom did propose Syl an alliance where they would rule together. …Well, kind of, I imagine when it comes to Dominator's understanding of partnership she'd expect the other to listen to her all the time. But, hey, it was something.

Although Dom definitely tried to forget about the whole thing, if her words in "The Flower" are any indication. Still, I imagine that in the future the matter of them bonding would be adressed.

#wander over yonder #woy #savewoy #lord dominator #commander peepers #not liveblogging #orr blogging #non episode #wander #sylvia #lord hater #character analysis #sfw

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[gaiatheorist]

Healthy/Happy.

(Yes, it’s a spin-out from one of my mid-life health-check blood tests coming back outside normal parameters. My Potassium level was 5.7, 6 is indicative of imminent renal failure. After the initial “I am going to DIE!” panic-palpitations, and the associated anxiety that elevated blood-Potassium can cause palpitations, I calmed down, and reassured myself that it was one spike on an otherwise OK chart. The nurse had to use a special small needle, because my veins are uncooperative, ‘bruising’ of the blood during difficult drawing can cause erroneous results. I’d consumed LOADS of water, to flush the excessive alcohol out of my system for the urine test, and likely sent my kidneys into overdrive. The blood sample could have been damaged in transit. I won’t actually know if my kidneys are fucked until the second sample is tested, but that didn’t stop my brain throwing a lovely “You can’t eat THAT!” tantrum while I was grocery shopping. My kidneys are damaged, or they were when I was 14 or 15, virtually constant urinary tract infections as a child led to some scarring, and an ‘acute over-dilation of the upper uretral tract’. Welcome to me, it’s exhausting.)

I’m going to park the fact that I’m incredibly unhealthy right alongside the concern that the UK government is destroying the NHS. I am giving no mind-space to “Well, it won’t matter if your kidneys fail if that nutter presses the button.”

I am fat-ist. I don’t mean to be, and I try not to be openly, directly offensive to overweight people, because I have no idea why they’re overweight. If you want to unpick it, I had a childhood in active poverty, with both parents, and pretty much every other source of influence having an open “Look at the state of that!” attitude to overweight people. That will have been peasant-jealousy, that other people weren’t subsisting on off-cuts from their Dad’s on-off work at the chicken factory, and mince with gristle in it. Cut-through my maladaptive adolescence, where my body was the only thing I had any degree of control over, I effectively disabled my hunger-trigger. There wasn’t any food that wasn’t freezer-shop crap, I don’t eat much of that now, because it’s loaded with chemicals, and because it tastes ‘cheap’. You can be as clever as you like with seasonings, but a freezer-shop ready-meal is always going to have that damaged/’is-this-horse?’ taste to it. The last two decades saw me enfolded into the welcoming bosom of the ex’s family, as well as suffocating me, they were fond of trying to force-feed me, whilst carrying on wittering about which foods were ‘slimming’. Food isn’t ‘slimming’. I’m not sure ‘slimming’ can apply to food, food is fuel, it’s calories, and nutrition, it’s the holistic surrounding factors that influence whether the food you eat causes you to gain weight.

(Flash-back to a training course where there was an intelligent but heated debate on whether it was ‘better’ to continue eating junk-food, but just less of it, or to completely switch to a ‘healthy’ diet. Either way, weight would reduce, but one would have less emotional impact on the type of person who was used to junk-food, and didn’t actually have the desire to change.) 

These modern ‘diets’ and slimming clubs seem to put less emphasis on the ‘eat less’ angle, it looks, from the outside, and from the endless overheard discussions, that they’re about ‘different’, not ‘denial’. There’s been a decline in  the “Diet, day 4, I’m bastard STARVING!” comments on Fakebook, and an increase in the number of people posting their certificates showing how much weight they’ve lost. I am happy that they are happy, in my weird, couldn’t-actually-give-a-shit way. I’m happy when they’re more energetic, feel brighter in themselves, and are starting to enjoy life, rather than waddle about under cover of darkness. I’m less happy when they can only see the aesthetic aspect of the weight-loss, but that’s my weirdness, not theirs. 

I am slim, I’ve been hefty, but never crossed the arbitrary BMI-25 line, I’ve been so thin that the arbitrary line dipped under 18, I genuinely don’t know why I still bother calculating it. When I was up at the higher end, nobody said anything, joking that trouser-waistbands were training to be magicians, and rehearsing the ‘sawing a woman in half’ trick were normalised. Conversations about wearing ‘flattering’ clothes, to disguise belly-slabs, and wobbly bits were accepted, and the “I know I shouldn’t finish eating this, I’m full.” conversation went round on an endless loop. 

When I lost weight, suddenly everyone wanted to comment on it. In a negative way. “You’ve lost too much weight.” “There’s nothing left of you.” “You need to eat more pies.” You’re not ‘allowed’ to do that to people at the other end of the scale, in this society where ‘everyone’ is a bit overweight, you’re not supposed to ask people if they really need that third biscuit, or tell them that their trousers are so stretched-tight that you’re wondering if their cellulite could be read like braille. Thin women are fair game, though. I can sort-of understand some of it, I know I looked ill for a fair while. That would be because I was. I knew I was ill, and I knew I’d lost weight, people being ‘kind’ by pointing out they could see my ribs didn’t cause the scales to fall from my eyes, or help my obsession with the bathroom scales. (I went through a weird phase of taking a photo of the display on my scales each morning, and was a hair’s breadth from messaging it to the shrieky-office crew, who talked about nothing but Slimming World. I have a modicum of restraint, though.)

Weird. I was unhappy being that thin, I was weak, I was genuinely emaciated, and I’d taken in the waistbands on my trousers to stop me having to hitch them up every 30 seconds. I hope people just didn’t realise how hurtful-insensitive some of their comments were, or the restraint I showed in trying to deflect with humour, instead of just screaming at them. Some of them were unhappy with their own weight, but I don’t think there was any conscious kicking-downwards, I think that, in a society where ‘everyone’ wants to lose weight, seeing someone who has lost weight is a bit confusing. 

I’m waffling. People come in all shapes and sizes. The ‘size zero’ phenomenon a few years ago polarised opinion. The fashion industry WANTED to see ribs, and hip-bones, but the average UK citizen isn’t anything like that shape, so there was a backlash, that being THAT thin isn’t healthy. Now, we have the ‘obesity epidemic’, but most of us are too British-reserved to point out that someone’s a bit on the podgy side, in case we’re accused of body-shaming. Most of us aren’t tabloid newspapers, or internet trolls. Children, and adolescents are growing up in this world, this mixed-message world, the long-term consequences are terrifying, physically, and emotionally.

Disordered eating, in the broadest sense, is NOT about food, it’s about feelings. I’m lucky in that I’ve never equated food with a ‘treat’ or a ‘reward’, food is boring but necessary fuel for this sack of meat-we-don’t-eat. Listen to Tim Minchin’s ‘Fat Children’, and you see part of the problem. Another part of the problem is the on-the-wagon-off-the-wagon cyclic ‘dieting’, the kids aren’t seeing consistency, they either have role models who are snappy, ketone-breathed monsters, insisting they eat their vegetables, or comfort-eating, convenience-food couch-dwellers. Assimilate that into a developing data-matrix, with the government/NHS pushing for healthier lifestyles, the fashion models still being ‘too thin’, and the tabloids and trolls still playing fat’s-fair-game; any wonder they’re confused?  

In my opinion, there’s too much focus on aesthetics, and ‘look good, feel good’ is the wrong way around. I have genuine desires to start arguments with the parents coo-ing ‘pretty’ and ‘gorgeous’, and fucking ‘sexy’ at their pram-contents, but I don’t, because I’m British, and the type of person who tickles a baby, and says “Who’s sexy?” to it wouldn’t grasp my concern. Girls are ‘pretty’, and boys are ‘strong’, there must be no deviation from the established norm. That places pretty boys, and strong girls in a difficult position, when acquiring the requisite number of Fakebook-likes to validate their existence. 

I know I bang on about ‘happy’, and the myth of the Instagram/Fakebook perfect life, but this dichotomy forced on body-image is damaging. It’s a Goldilocks-myth, too hot, too cold, just right, but once the porridge is sorted, there’s the chair, and the bed, and HOLY FUCK IT’S A BEAR. The ‘just right’ doesn’t hold, because there’s always something else to find, or do, or change, people are happy, and then someone says something hurtful, and they feel the need to either justify themselves, or make another change. I’m not advocating stagnation, but, for the love of all the Gods, if you’re doing the ‘diet’ or exercise thing, do it for yourself, not for other people. If you want to be attractive, or attainable, that’s fine, as long as you’re doing it for yourself, and not just turning into a leggings-lemming. We all have a responsibility to ourselves to be healthy, or we’ll accelerate our own demise; we have a responsibility to be as ‘happy’ as we can, too, genuinely content with ourselves, not aesthetic-neurotic. 

[jeremiahdowney]

The cemetery wouldn't let me leave.

———————————————————

I sat in my car, such a cocoon for me over the years, and listened to the planes take off. Modern activity interrupting the quiet madness of the cemetery. I remember telling my grandfather about my perception of this place, and you know what he did? He slammed a car door onto my pinkie. I looked down at the crooked appendage and grimaced.

It was a symbol of how much I hated my grandfather. But no matter how long that injury followed me over the years, I never hated the cemetery. Maybe because it was the one place where he couldn't hurt me.

I got out of the car, shutting the door gently. Not a day went by that I didn't think of the injury. I had gotten so used it that the thought didn't phase me much. I walked to the tallest point in the cemetery, the farthest away from my grandfather's resting place. Here you could make out the twinkling lights of the rambling airport. Another thing that made it magical. A building decorated by a blanket of encroaching darkness and stars all its own.

"You gotta get that dreamy head out of your ass," my grandfather, Jud, would say. Sometimes he'd punch me in the gut, dragging me out of the cemetery and home for a good thumping. Away from the building with stars. Like I said, despite what Jud would often do to me in connection with the cemetery, I still went there when I thought I could get by with it.

Now, I can go as often as I like. I live a bit further away as an adult, but manage to make it most days barring extreme weather.

I take the book he left me, the one outlining my torment and the escape hatch he embedded within the pages he wrote. He must've wrote this book over years. Something so intricate, to this day I'm still trying to figure out. I sit at this tallest point, contemplating the book he left me. Most days, I leave feeling frustrated and sad.

It was always so peaceful and surreal at the tallest point of the cemetery, so the frustration and sadness coalesced with my sense of wonder. Today was no different. After contemplating my grandfather's book for a few hours, I left the hill feeling wistful and confused, identity fragmented all over again.

After I finished contemplating the book, I went over to my grandfather's tombstone, which was a part of the ritual. Sometimes his ghost would appear, but today the patch of grass in front of his grave seemed abandoned and fallow. My grandfather always neglected the things I thought were important, sometimes even his own grave.

Today there was something at the foot of his stone, a yellowed scroll tied with a small blue ribbon. I quickly went over and untied the ribbon, unrolling the scroll with a sense of haste quite unlike me. It took me a while to comprehend what I was seeing. A slow smile spread across my lips. The cipher. This was the cipher to my grandfather's book. He had crafted it brilliantly. He wrote it using sentences that were easily understandable, everything combined to make a clear flow of paragraphs and chapters. I knew all these years there had to be a deeper meaning to the book, and today, years after his death, I finally felt validated.

There finally seemed to be a way out of my captivity. You see, maybe I should've explained this earlier, but the cemetery has this strange hold on me. I think because my grandfather put a curse on me, which prevents me from leaving this city. Leaving always held a special, strange magic, and I thought about it often.

Every time I think about buying a plane ticket, I get an incredible migraine. I tried driving beyond the city limits once, and because of the intense migraines, almost collided with an oil truck. I had been lucky to survive, and vowed never to try that again until I knew for sure the curse was a thing of the past.

My grandfather's ghost appeared as soon as I finished reading the scroll. Looking skeletal and implacable, gaping eye sockets peering into me. I remember asking his ghost, despite fearing the backlash, why his eyes had been removed. He never answered that question. Anyway, on that particular day, he stared at the scroll with a kind of resentment. I knew then it wasn't a gift. Not even out of pity. He would never pity me, instead, finding new reasons to hate me.

"You always needed things spelled out to you," Jud said.

"I think you were just a pathological liar," I replied. "So many of them piled up I didn't know my ass from the stars. And more importantly, you can't hurt me anymore."

My pinkie throbbed, and a jolt of pain shot through it.

"I can hurt your little pinkie, boy. And I can prevent you from leaving this city. What do you think of that?"

I tried to hide the wincing, because I didn't want to show my grandfather that he had power over me. So I left the site of his grave as quickly as I could, hiding the pain as best I could.

I drove home, relieved that the pain had ceased. I sat down at the kitchen table and read the cipher over and over, sipping a glass of ginger ale. I wanted it to be embedded in my mind so that when I read the book again, I wouldn't need to refer to the cipher. I wanted to interpret the hidden meanings in my grandfather's sentences as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

So I just read the cipher for several hours, totally absorbed, glad to have something that seemed to divorce me from my stale life. I had something to focus on, a key to my freedom. *Hope*, in other words. Afterword, before attempting to read the book, I decided to take a break and watch some tv. But twenty minutes into watching the weather channel, I realized I couldn't wait any longer.

I grabbed the book from my bedroom, putting on some coffee because I could feel drowsiness coming on. I felt too driven to justify sleep though. As I read passages from the book, starting from the beginning, the house seemed to get darker, creepier. Many times I looked up from my grandfather's tome, expecting to see him there. For the first several times, I didn't. Then, I heard something being knocked off the counter. Adrenaline shot through me, and my eyes darted around the kitchen. They fixed on Jud's bone thin ghost.

"You don't get something for nothing in this world. You might be getting your freedom, but so am I," Jud said, moving toward me. Startled, I grabbed the book and stood up, walking backward to the door which led to the backyard. I continued to back up. Fortunately, my keys always hung on the rack next to it, and I grabbed them without looking.

"H-how did you get here? I thought you couldn't leave the cemetery," my voice seemed meek, and all at once I felt like I was regressing to a childlike perception, fear replacing wonder and nostalgia.

"Just keep in mind that setting yourself free comes at a price," Jud said. My pinkie began to radiate pain, and I clenched my jaw, determined not to let him see the effect he was having on me. As I fled to my car and backed out of the driveway, visions of torment clouded my judgement. I didn't know what to do, coming to the brink of utter hysteria.

I had only one place to go, my grandmother's house. Her health had begun to fail over the last few years, but she tried her best to look out for me. I drove there, speeding down the highway at a dangerous speed, having trouble suppressing my feeling of abject terror. I hated my childhood because Jud had abused me in secret, and my parents never found out because Jud said if I ever tried to rat him out, they'd never believe me, and he'd abuse me even more, make my torment worse.

I wasn't sure if the book began to free my mind, but it occurred to me that by not showing my pain, Jud had effectively silenced me. I thought I was rebelling, but in some strange way, it only served to emphasize it. He tricked me into putting on a muzzle. I cursed as loud as I could, slamming the steering wheel with my fist.

When I pulled into my grandmother's driveway, I just sat in the car, trying to calm myself down. I tried to think positive thoughts, like my psychologist suggested. Of course, my psychologist never knew my full context, but it didn't matter. I told myself that Jud wanted me to feel intimidated, so that I would never break free. He wanted me to feel afraid, to feel absolutely terrified of the stretch of road which didn't include him in my life. Or, the stretch that did, but a Jud as free as a bird, not shackled by a mortal body, nor confined to the cemetery.

I knocked on my grandmother's door, and she took several minutes to answer. She seemed haggard once I got a good look at her in the living room. On death's door, almost. But I knew she wouldn't die just yet. She couldn't in my time of need, it'd be a deep injustice.

I sat down and told her about the cipher, and my recent encounter with Jud. She seemed to be listening, although she didn't make eye contact.

"I have something to confess," grandmother said, the corners of her mouth twisting in regret. "Jud had given me the cipher years ago. but threatened me with abuse if I ever gave it to you. I waited until after he died, and when you came to me with the story of you encountering his ghost, I just couldn't bring myself to give the scroll. I was terrified of what he might do to me."

Grandmother burst into tears, and despite my growing anger, I couldn't be mad at her. Jud had threatened her, just like he always threatened me.

"So, why did you finally give the scroll to me?" I asked. I leaned forward, clenching my jaw again.

"I...don't know. I knew the torment you had suffered through the years, and I just couldn't allow it to continue," grandmother cried again, and I sat back, not wholly satisfied with the answer.

Grandmother said I could stay with her as long as I liked, and I felt a sense of relief that I didn't have to go back to my house, even though there wasn't much of a guarantee that Jud wouldn't be able to haunt this place too.

I told grandmother I needed a quiet place to read the boo, and she let me use my old bathroom, which overlooked the tiny but scenic backyard, sending me up with a cup of coco.

I settled into bed, putting something in front of the closet, a heavy chest. I didn't want Jud popping out and scaring me in the middle of the night. Or while I was reading.

With the cipher firmly planted in my head, the book read like an entirely different tome. It talked about the underworld, and how Jud knew all the evils in life would place him there. He didn't regret them, and rather than try and redeem himself, he began to abuse me even worse than before, trying to placate the dark entities which kept watch over the underworld, hoping to secure for himself a more comfortable afterlife.

Then I read a passage that really pissed me off. Before he died, Jud knew that if I enacted the ritual detailed later in the book too soon, I'd be ruining his chances for freedom, but mine wouldn't be affected. He threatened my grandmother so that he could torment me for years and years, increase the stain on my soul, so that when the ritual was completed, he'd have a real shot at being completely set free.

The ritual in the book could only be completed if I burned several items belonging to Jud in front of his grave. My crooked pinkie throbbed. I cursed again, coming a bit unhinged. Most of the objects Jud owned in life were in the basement. I decided to get drunk, grandmother always kept beer in the fridge.

About an hour and a half later, I was completely drunk. I drained an entire case of beer in that time, liquid courage they call it. In this specific case, it couldn't have been more true. I rifled through Jud's things, finding those rare possessions which had meant a lot to Jud, or at least more than the others.

I found an old music box. I didn't even care what song it played. So, the music box, a wooden statue of some Norse god he whittled himself, his favorite work boots, and a copy of *The Murders in The Rue Morgue*. Jud always loved Poe, talked about him more glowingly than anyone.

As I was about to head upstairs, I encountered Jud's ghost again. My pinkie throbbed, feeling like it might rip off. Jud blocked the doorway leading to the staircase.

"Don't think just because you're doing something for me that I'm gonna help you out. Man's gotta stand on his own to feet. You're not a man quite yet, but you'll learn soon enough," Jud said. Then he stepped closer, disappearing right before his ghost form could touch my body.

When I got upstairs, the lights went out. I could hear grandmother screaming, a terrifying scream which shot a shiver like an arrow down my spine. After the lights came on, I gasped as my grandmother sat dead in her favorite green chair. I cried for a minute, holding her. Then it occurred to me I was holding a corpse, the freshly dead shell of my grandmother.

"See? I'm gonna keep fucking with you until you get to that damn cemetery and set me free! I don't want to spend an eternity there. So get going!"

I fled the room, like a child, thinking of the time when Jud had brought down a hammer onto my pinkie, and how I had screamed and screamed.

I didn't waste time. I got into the car and hurriedly backed into the driveway. I knew I wouldn't be driving to the cemetery just yet. I needed a quiet place to think, to read the rest of Jud's book. Maybe I couldn't read all of it, but I intended on looking for something specific.

I drove down the highway, deciding I needed a healthy dose of reality, of sanity, of people. Sure, maybe most people were privately crazy, but they perked up around other living souls. And I needed other living souls at the moment. More importantly, Jud wouldn't show up in a public place. At least, I hoped he wouldn't.

I pulled into the parking lot of a rustic diner. A few other cars sat in the parking lot, and I sighed in relief.

"Go in there if you want, kid, but I'll be waiting for you when you get out. Waiting for you to become a man."

I shivered, but got out of the car and walked as calmly as I could into the diner. I sat at a table with a good view of the parking lot and the highway. Night approached. The headlights of cars stood out more, reminding me of the twinkling lights coming from the airport.

"What do you want?" the waitress asked me absent-mindedly.

"Eggs, over easy. Extra spit on the bacon," I said, suddenly finding diner lingo quite funny. The waitress glared, but nodded.

Then I was left alone with my thoughts and the book. I skimmed through it, knowing I didn't have the time to read it all. Everything started to feel hopeless, until the waitress came back, smiling suddenly. At first, I thought she hated me. I found her quick switch in body language perplexing.

"Having problems concentrating on your book? You a college student?" the waitress asked with a smile. I shook my head, wondering if she was serious. It would be clear to most people that I wasn't a college student.

"Anyway, sometimes I just flip to a random page. Gets me into the groove of things. Why don't you give it a try?" she winked at me, placed my plate of eggs and spitty bacon on the table, then left.

After the waitress left, I did what she suggested, flipping to a random section over halfway through the book. My eyes widened as I read Jud's words. He said the dark spirit which had been his adviser for the last several months said he had to play fair. That, in order for the ritual to be effective, he needed to give the player all the pieces. The individual performing the ritual could transform into a lich, which was capable of defeating the freed ghost. In this case, my abusive grandfather. I had to be cautious, however, because if I did proceed carefully "unforeseen events" could occur.

During the burning of the items, I had to recite, "I die. I live. I live again," and sprinkle dirt onto the flames. The passage then went on to say that the transformation into lich form would only be temporary. So I had to act quickly once transformed. I ate my eggs slowly, ordered a piece of apple pie. I wasn't really hungry for dessert, but the sheer, mundane act of ordering made me feel a little more at ease. I reminded myself I didn't have to go to the cemetery before I was ready. In this one narrow sense, Jud didn't have control over me.

The section after the one detailing the ritual was essentially a list of spells for dealing with a recently freed ghost. There were so many of them, I didn't know which one to choose. I looked up from the book to find the waitress staring at me and realized I had to hurry up. Many of the other fellow diners had left already. The remaining few were digging out their wallets or glancing at their watches.

I went back to reading. Many of the spells seemed dangerous, and came with a list of potential side-effects. I found one spell which seemed to the smallest list of potential consequences, but this seemed to affect the soul being targeted rather than to the caster. The soul could, for instance, be placed into a circle of the underworld more punishing than its evil deemed necessary. In rare cases, the soul could be reincarnated.

I guess I was a bit of a selfish asshole because I thought, if Jud were to be reincarnated in baby form, by the time he grew up enough to harm me, I'd truly be an old man and wouldn't care, and that was presuming he had any memory of his former life.

Reasonably satisfied, I paid for my meal and left the waitress a good tip. She smiled and nodded, quietly thanking me. I got in my car and headed for the cemetery. Despite feeling like I was "armed with knowledge," I felt increasingly anxious the closer I got to the cemetery.

I wondered why Jud hadn't shown up in the car again. Maybe he was preparing to be set free, or maybe he knew that the possibilities of having to do battle with a lich. He knew far more about the dark side of magic than I did. I parked at the tallest point of the cemetery, looking at the twinkling lights of the airport. They were far off enough they truly did remind me of stars. I saw a plane taking off and thought of it as a good omen.

I lingered for several minutes before I had enough courage...liquid courage. I knew I was still more than a bit drunk, but I had no choice but to complete the ritual. I didn't want Jud to use any more of my suffering to give his soul more power.

Walking with head down to Jud's grave, I placed the items in a pile at its foot, and took a lighter I had stolen from my table at the diner. I lit the items on fire, and then sprinkled dirt onto the flames. I said. "I die. I live. I live again."

Jud's soul appeared just as I transformed into a lich. I could see my limbs turning desiccated and green. My nails black and frighteningly long. Even though I could surmise I looked reasonably intimidating, Jud still scared me with his infinitely deep eye sockets and cruel. Grin. He flexed his pinkie, and mine didn't react at all. No pain. The smile disappeared from his face.

"Think you got me pinned down, kid? Keep in mind I've lived this unlife far longer than you, lich or no!" Jud said. I recited the spell, not slurring because it seemed the lich form cured my drunkenness. Jud's soul seemed to wither, growing fainter and fainter until it disappeared completely.

I waited...and waited. It took almost an hour for my green hands to return to normal. Then it happened all at once, and my hands returned to regular human skin. My fingernails lost their length and black color. I lingered in the cemetery for a long time, euphoric that I finally had dispelled my abusive grandfather. I don't know how long I stayed, walking among the stones.

I drove to my grandmother's house, getting sad again because I remembered Jud had killed her before I left the house. I pulled in the driveway and unlocked the front door.

There my grandmother was, in the kitchen, leaning over the oven as she checked on a pan of cookies. Something was different about her, but I couldn't put my finger on it. The hours ticked by, then as we were sitting in the living room munching on the cookies, she spoke.

"You know, I'm thinking about the nightmare I had last night. Awful. I was in the cemetery, and this green-skinned monster shot fireballs at me. You must think I'm a strange lady," grandmother said. But I didn't say anything back, not immediately.

I thought about what the spell said, that a soul could be reincarnated. In my mind, this meant into the body of a newborn. Not the body of an old woman who had died hours ago.

Since that night, grandmother continues to behave strangely, telling me nightmares of horrible things. I don't have the heart to tell her that she has the soul of the man who abused me, the man I hate. I hope she doesn't take a turn for the worse.

I hope she doesn't start acting like my grandfather.

#long story #original story #horror #story

[symbianosgames]

Deep Dive is an ongoing Gamasutra series with the goal of shedding light on specific design, art, or technical features within a video game, in order to show how seemingly simple, fundamental design decisions aren't really that simple at all.

Check out earlier installments, including creating believable crowds in Planet Coaster, achieving seamless branching in Watch Dogs 2’s Invasion of Privacy missions, and creating the intricate level design of Dishonored 2's Clockwork Mansion.

Kamibox is a German one man studio. My name is Philipp Stollenmayer and I am currently studying information design with a focus on interaction and user interface. Kami is Japanese for paper, because the studio started with free papercraft models, and the first two apps have been how-tos for paper toys. For a few years, I have designed and developed mostly casual mobile games, like Okay? or Pancake – the Game, but also more elaborate ones like Sometimes You Die.

Tings you can make with Kamibox's Awesome Paper Toys app  

I try to make games without text. ZIP ZAP is the kind of game where you can’t really describe what the goal is, but you understand it after the first move. In an erector-kit-like game setting, you control one or more hinges of mechanical structures, and move something on the screen in a way that one or more white circles are being touched by something.

It is a physics puzzle, basically, somehow even more physical than most of the other physics puzzles. The interaction is as simple as it can be: Touch to contract all hinges, release to let go. Despite that super technical description of the content, there is a kind of empathy that arises.

"Console games don’t work on mobile, and it took a while for developers to notice that."

My first game was a university project. I wanted to distribute it because I had put so much effort into it, and I wanted to show it to the world (few cared though). But I didn’t want to pay any extra money for translations, so I explained everything with icons and animations. Today I know that translations aren’t that expensive, but the core remains: Making games that are able to explain themselves in a few seconds.

Mobile players have a drastically shorter attention span than console players, because of the oversupply of games, the short play sessions of mobile, and the power to pronounce the game dead with a click on the biggest button an inch below the game. In other words, console games don’t work on mobile, and it took a while for developers to notice that. What adds to that is that anything with more than two buttons is a cramp to control. The challenge is to make a game that is so simple to control that it is intuitive within the first ten seconds and still has enough potential to last for at least a few hours.

My situation: I like platformers. The problem: Platformers don’t work on mobile, because there are three buttons - Left, right, jump. So I began to strip everything away that could lead to a problem, and ended up with the barest movement of the muscles — a game controlled by only two choices: contract or release.

"I began to strip everything away, and ended up with the barest movement of the muscles — a game controlled by only two choices: contract or release."

This matches the concept of a button that has two states: up and down. QWOP does this is an excellent way, but as the title suggests, there are 4 buttons needed to make the character move. Also, the result is far from controllable. To be able to control the whole character in my game required a dramatic simplification, and ended up in a single 'muscle'.

At that point, I still thought it was going to be a platformer, but control via a single muscle initially reminded me of that frog leg stimulation experiment from high school biology,.. and it still wasn’t very easy to control. You could move it from A to B and back with a little practice, but the frustration potential was very high. Timing was very important, and so delicate that it just wasn't fun anymore. A platformer in which the player already fails without having gone one meter forward?

At this point, I usually make what I call the housewife test — I give the phone to my mom. Then I found out that it is not just difficult to control, but impossible to control.

Back to the drawing board. I had to change the whole concept. Instead of a platformer, I planned to make a bite-sized physics puzzle that always fit on the whole screen. That allowed me to have very, very short levels, because traveling long distances with one muscle is exhausting and frustrating. I cut every everything human and ended up with the concept of a more or less abstract mechanical world—just figural enough to convey the idea of actual valid physics.

The next challenge was to explain the player how the controls work in a few seconds. Touch to contract, release to let go sounds like a concept that every mentally aware person should understand, but it isn’t even so easy to explain without words. I split the learning process into three phases:

The first level is designed in a way that makes it impossible to fail. You learn what happens when you touch the screen, and the L-shaped thing moves automatically to the target as you find out what happens when you touch the screen. You can’t do anything wrong. After three touches, you have understood the concept, and the level is solved.

In the second level, you learn that you have to touch the target ring for two seconds to win. Again, you can’t fail, but you can only reach the target ring when you hold your finger on the screen. In that way, you learn that this is not only about tapping, but also about holding.

In the third level, the figure falls down, and you have to restart. You learn that restarting is done with swiping from right to left. That has two purposes: On the one hand, restarting can be done with the same finger and not accidentally. On the other hand, you learn that swiping does not affect the movement of the figure (My testers were tempted to influence the direction through swiping).

From then on, I introduce new features that do not directly affect the mechanics, but expand their functionality. Early in the game, you have to solve a level that is similar to a level before, but this time it has two hinges that you control at once. The first hinge kicks the ball, the second one holds it in place. The key to the first one is pushing, to the second one is releasing. You have to be able to switch your mood from active to passive while the ball is in mid-air, and react correspondingly. In world two, multiple hinges don’t only work chronologically, but also simultaneously.

The last level of the first world is a hanging figure. The new thing is that you don’t control the point where it hangs, but the figure’s virtual hip. That means, you have to find out how to generate momentum. I do gymnastics, and many figures are inspired by a gymnastic apparatus. This level was inspired by the horizontal bar, and was one of the first levels I designed. The process of gaining momentum is similar to how you gain momentum with your legs when you are sitting on a swing. My testers were mostly able to transfer that knowledge through their finger onto the character, but for others the swing levels are a huge question mark.

Another dimension of timing is added through the usage of motorized blocks. They make the elements turn, and you either have to avoid or utilize them. You have to find out that it can give the ball a great amount of momentum when timed correctly, like a baseball pitching machine.

Through combinations of new elements, all pitfalls of physically moving things, lever principles, rotation velocity, momentum and so on, are at first learned, then foreseen, then improved. With every new level, one specific point of that is in the focus.

I said previously, that this game is more physical than most other physics puzzles. That is because you need to estimate the center of mass, the friction, the rotation speed in relation to the shape change, and so on.

All these factors end up in a result that is nearly impossible to predict. The paper prototype that I was pretty proud of was super useless, because the behavior was completely different than I had planned. What was bad for me was good for the game, because you find yourself in situations where something unexpected happens, but after the first attempt, it makes total sense and is influenceable.

Another point that surprised me is the very low frustration level. Somehow, the simple shapes add up to a creature with a soul, so clumsy that parental instincts are aroused. Of course it is your fault, somehow, that the figures fall down, but you always feel like you have total control, just because there is so little to control. So the only one to blame would be the figure on the screen, but you just can’t be angry with it. The result is an interesting contrast between minimum control and maximum responsibility.  

#IFTTT #Blogger

[mypasswordiswrong]

Someone committed to suicide. It always hit me, what should I say. They said he's in a better place now. Is he really? I wonder about that. If I die am I the same. I'm tired too. People suspect imma die soon too. They think I'm droppin' dead the minute they see me on the floor, they think I'm passed out and should be ignored. Ignore me longer. Keep ignoring my texts, keep ignoring my phone calls and everything else for everytime somebody shuts me out, every time they said I'm here for you but never are, every damn time will it buuld regret? Every moment that they don't answer and every call you never call back from? Every message sent will it matter once that person is dead? They can't hit you back, they might never know, they wanted people to listen someone to know, they want someone to know and they can't even get that, what's left in the world for someone who can't get that? Success won't matter if you can't share it, success won't matter if you can't do anything with it. Success won't matter. What people do these days have become insincere and unjust, people have grown to be so far apart from everyone else that they lose hope in themselves and the trust and relationships are rust, and flustered are the people and they'll never know why, suicide was the option if they never listened to them the first time, they don't get it, in fact people never really tried, I go out all the time to stop people from doing that now, and it started with someone else who was about to drown herself in the lake, I dug deep through the water until morning at least I found out she was safe. I fucking dragged my ass through the damn water I torn up my clothes I was soaked for awhile to in mud and bones, I yelled in the damn night I cried out in the dark sight, hobos heard me yelling about a name they don't recognize. They got mad at me for trying to stop the suicide I admit I was putting things at risk but I'd rather her not die, it was suicide. I'd never live it down, reasons I couldn't do it to myself because she might never let it down, there's a difference now though. If I die. What would she think now? I'm so unsure I'm so unsure, I've tried, already I've fucking tried already. I think I'm gone. I think I'm already dead, and people are just waiting for me now. I'm suicidal. Keep it up, I'm suicidal keep ignoring me keep it up. I wonder. I'm suicidal. I wish I could talk to you now Mr. Kevin Redrico to know what you were thinking. Why and for what. I would've stopped you. Anyone would have. But tell me why. And give me valid reasons because you had it, and I don't. So I want to know why your life wasn't worth much, not even a glimmer of hope. I've seen you perform I've seen you act and sing, talented, I wonder what was your dreams, did you make it? Did you try? How far were you in this. They found your body in the water, that's how I wanted to end up. I still want to. Doing it and not. I don't get it. People have ignored me long enough. I'm pretty much forgotten now. Did you know? You have to be super MIA, that way nobody will notice. You have to be so far apart from everyone that way nobody will miss you. You have to be hated enough by everyone so that even if you're not around and don't exist nothing changes and it won't matter. My phase of being MIA for 2 years it's already close, it's there. When people do find out I'm gone, will they regret it? Will they be sad? Will they just say, "damn" and move on? Will be hard for them? It shouldn't because I wasn't even there anymore unless they asked. I made sure they'd all hate me. I made sure. I made sure. What will people think.

[ecoamerica]

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