#I am not for myself alone but for all of humanity

[yanderemommabean]

My dearest butterfly, 

I usually pride myself on having a way with words, never having my tongue tied, never having to stutter or stumble, and yet, with you, I find it hard to even breathe let alone speak. Ever since the day you stepped into my clinic, stepped into my life, I’ve found myself in a fog, never able to say what I feel, to speak with confidence, like without you I'm some sort of shell of myself. 

As a doctor, I assumed I was ill, sick, perhaps coming down with something that would pass with rest and time. However, I found out the truth- I was sick of course, but nothing that would be cured with needles and antibiotics. 

My dear butterfly, I have come to find out, my ailment is love sickness. As cutesy as that sounds, what I mean to say is- I'm utterly obsessed with you, and cannot rest or feel alive until I see you in my sight, or feel you by my side. 

The fact I am blessed enough to touch you, to examine every area, intimate or not, to be trusted with your darkest medical secrets-It fuels me more than any other patient has. With you, curing you and your health just has more meaning to me, has more depth and humanity. You have that way about you, making me feel deeper than any human ever has, reaching my core and burrowing deep within the walls of my heart. 

This letter is nothing but a love filled ramble, but one I simply had to write. I can no longer hide how I feel, how I crave. I don't expect you to know what to do with all of this information right away, so, I’ll give you a few good rules to go by while everything sets in and has time to process. 

This is all true. I adore you, deeper than anyone could ever adore you, and more intense than any past lover could ever dream 

I refuse to let you try and deny me. You can be coy, you can be shy, you can even need time and space, but you wont be with anyone else but me in the romantic sense. I’ll take whatever precautions I need to ensure this rule is followed. 

I mean you absolutely no harm, however, as mentioned above, I’ll do what I must. Just sit back and take in what you need, but know, I’m utterly sick for you darling, there’s no way you can turn me away, be your attempts silly or desperate. 

I’ll be sure to send this letter over the weekend to give you more time, but, if by chance the postal service messes up, a few days letting your mind wander at your work wouldn’t be awful either. 

I’ll see you soon, my love. We’ll discuss this more in person, where my words are sharper than the pen I used, and my voice will convey just how serious I am about all of this. 

All yours, only yours, 

-Doctor Lee.

(-Mommabean, hope you liked!)

#yandere imagines #yandere scenarios #my ocs #doctor lee my oc #dr lee my oc #yandere doctor #yandere serial killer #yandere oc #yandere letter #yandere male #yandere prompts #mommabean

[todayisafridaynight]

YOU MAKE THAT POST AND DON'T SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON EVERYONE'S OPINION ON SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG???

I MEAN IT'S SUCH A NICHE FUCKING TOPIC LMAO I DIDN'T THINK ANYONE WOULD CARE

but anyway here's the Egregiously Simplified version of Everyone Is Forced To Play Ten Routes Of Shadow The Hedgehog And Has To Give Their Opinion Afterwards

#snap chats #i already hear someone going 'the fuck you mean mine is number one shadow the hedgehog defender' YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME #at first i do think he'd be like 'what the fuck' but then going through all of shadows routes. or at least ten to get the final story #and seeing the constant betrayal and inability to trust others he faced yet still ultimately persevering due to his promise to maria #i think bro would be moved.. just a little.. would he think shadow a bit headassed for that considering what the humans did to him #Of Course but also its evident that shadows clearly taking things into his own hands now- as righteous of a mission as it is #despite the persistent attempted influence by everyone around him. shadows a complicated TRAGEDY he'd be moved #mine's artsy like that..... gotta go before i get shot ive said insane things before but this one'll take the cake me thinks #im not explaining everyone else mine's just felt like the one i NEEDED to explain lest i look more insane than usual #06 daigo's purely a Shadow Angst enjoyer. he understands shadow and he's wallowing in the misery of his backstory #majima's weird to categorize cause he definitely can be like Lmao The Fuck and/or just play the game chaotically #and then the aspects of identity come in and on the outside he'll be like 'bro its not that deep' but on the inside its like #Damn He Just Like Me Fr. i think. idk i dont study majima leave me alone im not making ANOTHER One Chara Exclusive category #i said i wouldnt explain anyone else and here i am explaining shut UP im gonna go eat #im not looking at this anymore bye #FORCING myself to leave cause i really will just end up typing essays on bitches perceiving shadow LMAOO

[soldier-poet-king]

Speaking of self sabotage (unintentional?? Maybe???), you can't possibly be abandoned if you don't truly trust anyone in the first place!

#this is bad dont listen to me. my brain is fuzzy bad tonight im going to bed #shaking it in a jar like..NO. we're not allowed to be like that #but also idk how to not #babygirl i have abandonment issues beyond your wildest comprehension #at every given moment my inner child is wailing unloved unloved on my hands and knees begging not to be left alone #AND YET i am cranky and prickly and sensitive and hide away and dont trust on even the most basic of things #AND SO #the duality of fran #anyway i am forcing myself to go to bed. i feel like SHIT. physically. mentally. emotionally. #like. why is connection the deepest craving of the human soul #bc its smthn we cannot get alone. cannot be self sufficient in #no matter how good i am and how dutiful i am and how self abnegating and people pleasing i am #it doesnt guarantee that connection. nothing does #all my hard work! for what! #smthn smthn I could philosphize about my neuroses but im genuinely going to take extra melatonin and just try to sleep

[pepprs]

im gonna get like 0 sleep LOL. i told my dad about me buying the tickets because i easily fall victim to my confessional urge and my insatiable need to be understood and he’s freaked out and trying to get me to have someone else go with me or something because it’s dangerous. but i don’t WANT anyone to go with me. i want to do this by myself.

#purrs #i will take an Uber to and from the theater which is very scary bc ive never ubered by myself before. but i will do it #i need to get it through my head that my parents aren’t going to change their stance on things .in their eyes it is never got ng to be safe #or acceptable for me to do anything big alone because im small and naive and a woman. but i need to live and have human experiences and do #things like this to show myself and everyone else that i can. lol #ngl im very very scared. i am constantly aware that i could be in danger at all times. but i want to do something scary and survive it and #discover it’s safe instead of what i almost always do which is let the fear keep me from even taking a risk. from even living. #< and im aware that an unfamiliar city far way from home where i don’t know anyone is a significantly more dangerous environment.

[torchickentacos]

anyways. having fun with the album project thing I mentioned. Using the flat small brush from here for krita. One brush only, no undo button, all done on 1/54th of a 1.5k x 1k canvas. it's actually pretty therapeutic, I listen to the album I'm drawing while I draw it. This does mean that for AM I got to like. track 2 though and most of that was bc of formatting issues lol.

#vent in tags though bc i need. somewhere that isn't yet another 4:30 am vent google doc. too many of those and they're not helping #i don't want to talk but i don't want to be fully alone right now but i can't just spring this on someone in dms either so . tags it is #tw death. like really not a fun time over on torchickentacos dot tumblr dot com right now. genuine warning here #but i'm not doing well and i need this right now. anyways told my therapist i feel like i should be more okay right now than I am #and he was like. you. think you should be MORE okay after someone you knew died? #like. ah. hm. i see. now. how that might not be rational thinking. #i mean in my brain it was like. okay we're approaching day three and i haven't reached back out to my other irls #and i'm awake at 4 am #and i feel like need to pull it together because other people need me for stuff #and like. this happened before but harder. i should KNOW that there's no way to expedite this #because unfortunately I've been through this before!!! people make that choice to leave and it sucks and that's that! #like i KNOW how hard this is especially since it's a very personal topic. #but i'm still trying to rush myself here #it stresses me out to think that I'm not there enough for myself to be there for other people right now #sigh. i wonder how much of it's because i feel like i should have been there for those friends more even though it's irrational. #because that's genuinely not how it fucking works and I KNOW THAT PERSONALLY yet I still put that on myself. #people can have all the support they need and still choose to not take it. and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. #well. tomorrow i return to socializing and being a human person again #little bit at a time.

[thebirdandhersong]

songbird's season of general sadness/first real grief/sorrow is coming to an end: (in chronological/journeying order) songs and poetry that helped my heart a lot these past few months :)

Always Good, Andrew Peterson / Marjorie, Andrew Osenga / Ask Polly article I read on a whim: 'My Boyfriend Refuses to Change' / You're On Your Own, Kid, Taylor Swift / One Foot in Front of the Other, Griff / Heavy, Mary Oliver / Monday by @madamescarlette / The Letter, Linda Gregg / Summer's Retrospective by @madamescarlette / Ode to Some Lyric Poets, Gregory Orr

(bonus--from the scraps of writing that came out of this chapter of life, which are slowly being assembled into a more coherent story:)

#yknow i felt so alone at so many points but i really really wasn't #i had such good friends (here and in my church community) who held my hand so gently #and God used the things i understood best to show me His incredible love at just the right moments #still an ongoing journey but i am so so grateful for the secondhand heart-strength given to me and the tenderness that was extended when i #when i was really at my lowest and saddest and most oversensitive and easily provoked to impatience or anger or depressive spirals #anyway i can't remember who sent me marjorie but thank you so much for that it was such a comfort. it continues to be #and thank you eden for sharing your beautiful poetry!!!! it continues to refresh and encourage my soul #mmmm it's hard to put into words what everything (and by everything i mean: the songs here and on my playlists #and the poetry here and the books i've read during the summer and into the autumn #from cyrano de bergerac to tolstoy to rilke's poems and dorothy sayers and dostoevsky and st therese & st teresa and madeleine l'engle #not to mention the night walks and morning prayers and the wonderful times i've had with the other dorm girls! #suddenly quite overwhelmed by the abundance of love and blessing #immensely immensely grateful for everything. i can be such a little wretch sometimes and wallow awfully for days #or act like a little human machine and try to Rid Myself of all emotional surges. or just focus on all the negative things with astonishing #tunnel vision (you wouldn't BELIEVE). but God has been so gracious despite songbird being a silly goose #and every once in a while having mental breakdowns and having to learn the same lesson (surrender and humility) a bajillion times #anyway!! my heart doesn't hurt anymore!! #and i am learning to take it one day at a time and to Rejoice in all circumstances #slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in year 21 #which really is so much harder than i thought at times!!!! but that makes it even more important to do so i think

[depressedzelda]

I need like. A bible level miracle of an opportunity even suggest itself to me so i can possibly start a career in something lol

#its unfortunate but its true thay i am in fact running out of time i could be using to accomplish something meaningful and set myself up #for a promising future. like ill be having a late start regardless. but i know that this is something i have to do sooner or later #i cant stay in retail. i cant serve people who willingly politicize a genocide as it happens in real time #i know there are plenty of zionists here just based on the comic store job alone lol i know theyre here too #despite there also being plenty of palestinians that i have Already witnessed just outside my current work now get ostracized #its gut wrenching. i cant stay here #but i am abbbbsoLUTELY clueless in what i should be working towards #ill be honest...i dont like my new job and i Dont trust my boss. i dont like her. she is rude and unnecessarily so. #if i so much as wore a palestinian bracelet i know im going to relive some twilight zone stern talking to shit Again #what ever happened to community or humanity anyways im getting off topic lol #i just needed to write all these rebounding thoughts down theres a lot going on #i gotta go on a quest and figureee it out. you know #figure it OUT 💪💪💪

[aurosoul]

I got some incredibly kind messages today after venting about my thoughts about quitting art this morning and I just want to say THANK YOU to the people who reached out to me and that I love you all 💖💖💖💖 ;__;

I’m definitely NOT giving up, I’ve just been really struggling with anxiety, imposter syndrome, and hinging my self-worth on my income lately and I’ve been losing sight of what brought me to art in the first place.... life remains incredibly stressful to us all, but this was a good reminder to take a breath and be gentle to myself despite everything

#incessant meowing #i don’t talk about this because i’m embarrassed by it #but due to mental illness and a history of bad living situations i’ve never been financially independent #and as i get older i’ve been putting more and more pressure on myself to finally make at least a lower middle class wage #and sometimes i wonder if i am chasing a pipe dream trying to accomplish that with art #but throughout all my life art is the only thing i can dedicate full time hours to #and i’ve considered other career paths but those require college degrees #and i barely graduated high school and then dropped out of college twice #i struggle immensely with many things like school and jobs and maintaining friendships #and art has always been my refuge where i can really shine #i have a lot of emotions tied up with the goal of making a career out of it #but to be honest i could stand to take a step back... #and maybe even pursue some therapy for the anxiety around this because it’s been tough #anyways thank you again to the anons i got #and thank you to whoever is reading this #i think it’s important to share feelings with others even if they’re negative #because we are all very human and none of us are alone

[outlying-hyppocrate]

positively despising how my consistent personality is leaving me and how i resort to such strange lies

#random thoughts #i write this on the cold tile floor of a place that has yet to hear my wailing screams. this is a lie. i am in bed #if my writing were anywhere near kafkaesque i don't think i'd be doing very well. but how i do admire his work #i read quite a bit. my bookshelves one day shall be piled with the works of authors such as anne rice. oscar wilde (and franz kafka himself #though this is the 21st century. what of modern fiction ? what of modern nonfiction ? i've made myself into someone #whose vocabulary is strangely extensive. we could argue that i've been this person all along #a sort of “gifted child” perhaps. except. i don't fucking use words like perhaps #as. not as. because this is a mockery of the self #how to put it less concisely ? i sound so old. “so mature for [my] age.” #i'm a very strange sort of person and when i stand alone in the water my screaming takes the form of beautiful song. but #how i long to stop the sound and choke it out into something strangled with my very own fingers. my essence is poetry #and therefore all that i am is poetry. i am so beautiful #my face and my body and everything we are made of #to spill the essence of poetry in the form of something more human. blood or spit or tears or vomit #i am so very interested in human function. what am i saying i'm being strange on purpose? but i like being strange #and this is how you see me now. my eccentric persona(lity) does not make me special at all. i'm not doing very well #i never am to tell the truth. it is getting so hard to prove my humanity and i'm starting to feel rather artificial #i have nothing to show proof of humanity such as blood or spit or tears or vomit #but then again i am simply being dramatic. i'm just being dramatic. that's it #i am just a boy and just a puppet and just how i present to others #i am pleasant. i am charming. i am robotic. i am awkward. i am cultured. i am weird. i am almost a person #my fingers are so thin. i've always been inhuman. they have their blood and spit and tears and vomit #and i have nothing but i think i like those words quite a bit. and i am watching the numbers raise higher. notifications. pretty things #i'm sorry i'm acting like this. acting. acting. actingactingactingidon't know what's brought it on #i speak so strangely. maybe i should try something else. i shall go to sleep and pretend that nothing happened. which it did. let me #bstvlpeooiamotridst . you have the words. i've been purposely alternating every three tags to write blood and spit and tears and vomit #i like patterns very much what else can i say. patterns are. pretty. though pretty isn't a word that fits into my extensive vocabulary #it should be buried at the bottom rather. what's a nicer way. i'm not actually sure #if you've made it this far please kindly say hello. otherwise that's alright #we've arrived to form our pattern again and i don't actually feel very much. bloodspit tearsvomit

[ladyhavilliard]

i've long understood why representation is important but i don't think I actually felt for myself how important it can be until reading loveless and watching Isaac's journey in heartstopper this year... My best friend is ace, but we have very different opinions/feelings/experiences/whatever when it comes to this. I have known about the aro/ace spectrums for so long. And yet knowing and actually seeing/reading someone go through a similiar experience resonates with you unlike anything else.

#i don't like talking about my identity irl. i am not ashamed to say it now that i think i figured it out #but i still don't talk about it more. even with friends #i just... while i know talking about things helps.. i have always preffered to 'heal' and go through things more quietly #I seek support from friends but in the way that i want them to be with me and just spend time together and make me happy #they keep me as happy as possible so i can work on my shit quietly inside my head #and while this is usually helpful for me #there are often times when i hate myself for everything. my struggles. my identity. everything about me #but seeing characters go through these things #have the same thoughts #and yet they are not anything less because of it!!!! instead it is like a missing piece has been found #and i just... i know on a theoretical level that there is nothing wrong with me but i do need the actual reminder #and georgia and isaac are both similiar to me in some ways and the fact that i can relate to them outside of being aroace just makes #me feel all the more human. all the more valid #idk what i'm even talking about #it's just... i didn't realize how much i needed to see someone with my exact same thoughts in order to figure out that #there are so many other ppl like me. we might be unique but we ar also the same and so i am not alone in this #even when i'm quiet and lost in my head. i am not alone in this <3 #aroace #heartstopper #loveless #sorry this is mostly a rant #as anything i have lately posted is

[murobrown]

.

#it's that time of the month when I just want to sell my uterus on black market with human organs #the week leading up to my period is far more worse than the actual period #it made me gain 2 kg and I can't stop freaking out about it...i know i lose them every month but my brain won't leave me alone #it's making me want to starve myself or just work out until i collapse #tmi sorry...how is your Friday evening? #I'm bored and I'm deciding between going to bed before 11 pm or let my brain torture me a little bit more #I don't even think I'm excited about the weekend anymore because it means I'll have to eat again #you just eat and work out and eat and work out and try not think about the calories because we're not doing thay anymore #but deep down my brain still knows the numbers and won't let me go over 900 calories #i perfected my body but destroyed my head even more #i shouldn't say thay but maybe it's worth it #feeling happy in my own skin is the best feeling in the world #and I know I'm shallow because of that but for the first time in my life i like my body #i actually like all parts of my body #and knowing that i did it with all that hard work feels even better #but on the other hand now I'm just too scared I'm going to lose it all if I eat a cookie after lunch #i think I'm too deep into this #is it bad that I like the feeling of bones under my skin? #am I becoming delusional? #that's what a menstrual cycle does to a emotionally unstable woman #it makes me feel angry that out of four weeks in a month i get like max two weeks when I feel good and normal #all of that for nothing #anyway maybe it's time to stop myself..

[pepprs]

i wish i’d kept pushing the point (<- vagueposting). im so tired i’m hitting a wall. but why is the answer to feeling bottomlessly lonely just to love myself and be loved by myself? isn’t that only more loneliness?

#purrs #i know being by myself is not aloneness. but like seriously are you actually serious that there is no one coming to save me? that I have to #walk around with this giant gaping wound forever and no one will be able yo close it? i need total nurturance and comfort badly and to have #any less than total is.. well i don’t want to say it’s as bad as having none at all because obviously it’s not true. but it’s still bad. it #makes it harder to ask for more when you already have some and have reached the limit of what you can ask for. i just feel bottomlessly #lonely. i know things will get better. but what i really need is a long hug and a good cry in someone’s arms. not isolating myself in a #cabin for a week (though i know i desperately need that too). like we’re human beings and we can do that for each other so why don’t we? why #can’t we fix each other? why can’t we be nurturing like that and fill the voids for people who have them. and i know it’s rich coming from m #me bc iam skittish like a horse around emotions and also that it’s pitifully expected from me bc i am reading too much into normal experien #nces most people have. but how am i supposed to just accept that i didn’t get the love i needed (even if im romanticizing m*therlove lmao) a #and then move on as if that’s fine? how can i just snap my fingers and be an autonomous adult when ive spent years accruing psychological #damage with the most limited kind of cushioning? when every second brings with it a potential jab to my River of Pain nerve? idk. #i was deeply violently depressed abt this stuff earlier this week but tonight im just quietly sad. i want the stability and certainty of #(unconditional) love. i want my whole future safe and warm and now or at least the ability to trust it will exist which is also called hope. #i don’t want to be alone and wretched anymore.

[karnaxa]

If I had a mic accidentally on incident it would either get me fired or just be embarrassing

#I’m either having the most intense vitriolic discussion by myself saying things such as ‘just fucking put Mitch McConnell down at this point #and ‘personally I think we should just execute all major CEOs they don’t bring any intrinsic value to the human experience’ #or it’s some embarrassing shit like ‘throughout heaven and earth I alone am the honored one. gojo on top’ #or me singing little tiktok sounds

[abyssalpriest]

I think whatever I end up doing the lesson is at its core "you need to stop seeing all attempts at saying you experience something as you taking up too much space and being dangerous, and you also need to understand everyone always makes mistakes sometimes (nothing anyone thinks is fully right) and you're not lesser and amateur at channelling because you aren't fully right, and also some third thing he says there is but idk what it is"

#Bc I don't want to be an authority anyway I just want to have fun embodying my role as a channeller of his like.... #And IDK I think at some point I need to understand that cycles of abuse happen when people think they're owed something and that others #deserve to go through what they went through. But I.... Am so against continuing the cult cycle that I sit here making light of #my life's work and not respecting is at all on the off chance it might negatively impact anyone in any way bc negative impact on my mind is #just immediately equalled to Cult Activity in my head. But like. Bruh. I don't even like interacting w people that much and I have the #Schizotypal Thing of not having an impulse to make new friends let alone a fuckin cult #Anyway. I need to stop catastrophising ''it would be nice to make this whole channelling Leviathan into an official thing #and test the limits of channelling and divination and whatnot'' into ''oh my god that's making myself an authority like he said not to do #and also that's just borderline making a cult that's continuing cycles of abuse'' bruh. Me occasionally doing a reading about his opinions #on something for someone else while making sure that someone understands my disclaimers that it's being translated through me/etc #Or something like that. Is not..... Declaring myself an authority on anything nor roping them in to rely on me ESPECIALLY when I always #explain how you SHOULDN'T rely on me as fact bc it's never fact like that's.... #Anyway. I should've expected this now that I think about it bc he often works with spiritual consultants for human groups and shit like #And he is endlessly humbling lbfr he always tells people who are worth working with when they're being dumb/etc and I want to be #Worth working with. Anyway. God hello I Need More by Misanthrop. ''I need more I need nothing I need more I need nothing'' yeah exactly #That's already a leviathan song this context is absolutely a mood. There is a MIDDLE GROUND. #Anyway again this is years away but #I'm way too socially anxious to do anything close to the thing like this blog just Existing is already testing all my social buttons but hey #ramblings // #Diary //