#I AM DEAD. HOLD ME OMG. IT WOULD BE SO LOVED. IT WOULD THRIVE.

[bluebellhairpin]

Sitting here in the dark sobbing SOBBING because someone said Gomez and Morticia would adopt and love the eraserhead baby.

#I AM DEAD. HOLD ME OMG. IT WOULD BE SO LOVED. IT WOULD THRIVE. #nemos thoughts #eraserhead baby #the addams family

[shinycollarboneapologist]

the dress snippet...

giggling and kicking my feet rn!! I LOVE it, I fully can't wait for the full fic- catch me refreshing your tumblr forever waiting for more amazing horny content!!! I have re-read it maybe 200 times and I'm thriving, who needs a medical degree when I can skip lectures to read fanfic??

dress is my fav song off rep, when I saw it sung at the rep tour I genuinely screamed so loud I injured my vocal cords <3

I am dress no.1 stan!! if dress has 200 fans I'm one of them, if dress has 50 fans I'm one of them and if dress has 0 fans, I'm dead. when I die, bury me holding the rep cd

I don't know how you keep picking my fav songs off each album?? you must have a window into my brain bestie istg!!! you just keep getting better; Mr. ratty healy would be proud

<33333

-ace (omg first proper ask with my new fun name)

loml i’m so glad you enjoyed it!

also us both going into the medical field??!? what a SLAY. also bestie i am so sorry to say this but i think dress is complete. i had to take a break from doing the lords work of writing horny smut for matty healy in 2023. but.... expect some more this week :D (also pls do not skip lectures, i say as i skipped my lectures yesterday <3)

DRESS IS SO AMAZING. literally top 3 off of rep for me.

its our bestie telepathy tbh and i think its beautiful.

YAY FIRST ASK WITH UR NEW PROPER FUN NAME. 🥹

i love this for us.

#ace <3 #m rambles.

[bealovesmarauders]

🧜🏻‍♀️mermaid - send me a description of yourself (personality-wise, hobbies, favorite things, physical characteristics, or all of the above, whatever you’re most comfy with!) and i’ll ship you with someone :) pls include gender preference and fandom!!

this is honestly the cutest omg!!! could i pretty please request a male dead poets society matchup <3

i go by she/her pronouns. my name is florence but most people call me flo or other nicknames. i’m a fair skinned 5’3 girl with long curly gold hair that is cut in 90s layers with long side bangs. it’s typically held off my face with a ballet pink coloured ribbon. i have downturned doe eyes that are constantly switching between blue, green and grey. i always curl my lashes and wear mascara because sadly naturally i have very straight pale lashes. i have a slim, slight figure. my face only has a few freckles but i have a lot on my body. i have a small ring of freckles on my knuckle which i love!!! my cheeks are always flushed and i have a small gap betweeen my front 2 teeth.

i’m extremely physically affectionate. my friends irl will tell anyone that because i’m nearly always holding their hands or looping my arms with theirs. my love language is definitely physical touch. i’m an infp and a libra. i also get told that my personality reminds people of miss honey or cinderella. so i guess that means i’m pretty soft spoken and kind. i’m very quiet when i first meet people but once they probably know me i can ramble for ages about my hyper-fixations.i can be kinda naive but only because i always wanna see the good in people!!! i don’t really get angry or when i am angry i just end up crying.

i really love classic literature and vintage books!!! along with vintage movies (especially audrey hepburn movies, i’m literally obsessed with her) i love alternative music from the 80s. think the smiths, blondie, echo and the bunnymen + not from the 80s lana <333 though to be fair i just adore anything from the past. but also i thrive listening to vintage love songs. i dress in a very typically feminine way with ditsy floral patterns and lace being a staple in my wardrobe. i love pressed flowers and journaling.

thank you so much i honestly cannot wait to see who you come up with <333

flo my lovely! i ship you with neil. i literally could not decide so i (metaphorically) flipped a coin between him and charlie.

i think you both would be very very genuine with each other. i can definitely see neil trying to break you out of your shell gently, because i think he really cares about being yourself and authenticity. you guys are both intuitive feelers (he's enfj, so you both share nf) so you'd pick up on each others body language and tendencies really quickly.

he'd love listening to you ramble about your hyperfixations. he's a talker more than a listener, and he's kind of an idealist, but neil can actually be a really good listener especially when it's people he cares about. he also really treasures how people treat others, and i think he'd be so smitten with your personality and how kind you are.

he'd also be so in love with the fact that you love vintage love songs. i hc that he plays the piano (its just such a neil thing to do) and he'd not only try to teach you teasingly but he'd also play you little love songs and sing (i also hc that neil's a really good singer). he'd also be obsessed with your hair and he'd get you different ribbons to try on :'))) he'd also absolutely adore the little ring of freckles on your finger and he'd use a sharpie to like draw flowers on them. neil is a pretty romantic person so i can also see him spending lots of quality time with you. his parents probably never let him watch an audrey hepburn movie in their lives (perry family hate club tbh) but as soon as you introduce them to him he's obsessed with her acting, and maybe it makes him want to act in movies as well as plays. he'll be rehearsing lines and you'll help him and if it's a romantic scene you can tease him a little bit and it doesn't matter how focused he is on the role but he'll get distracted so quickly and just pepper you in sweet kisses.

#flo<3 #moots #bea's celly #dead poets society #i hope this is okay !! #ily mwah

[stupid-stew]

i took notes on the art stream dana did tonight in my own way, yes this is also what my school notes look like so my formal apologies

dana didn’t have many friends or anything in college (self defined recluse)

king is the hardest character to draw due to his specific skull shape

dana loves pokemon and the king resemblance is a coincidence, and she drew everyone to be RIPPED

XENA THE WARRIOR PRINCESS WITH THE ABS LMAOOOO

young entrepreneur out here art queen getting that bag WHY WAS SHE MAKING SHIP ART OF HER CLASSMATES FOR MONEY AT THE AGE OF LIKE 11 IM SOBBING

king ruined the sand castle :(

the mcdonald’s coffe, it sucks apparently

insomnia dana supremacy, felt that

DANA WINS ROUND 1 (against her will)

side note i think i need to start watching more anime, that’s just for me the remember tho

“let’s get weird”- dana terrace 2021

“give us the most uncomfortable furby suggestions please”- also dana terrace 2021

FANFICTION JOURNALS CAN WE GET THOSE PUBLISHED

hard time communicating outside of drawings (one of us 👹)

toh is script driven, sicknasty

her test was turned away SPILL THE TEA

dana proposes to furby suggestion giving chat member

8months struggling for job

turned away from power puff girls boooo

“i called up a friend and we had a drink and i cried :(“ -dana

FURBY WITH HUMAN ANATOMY

YES YES YES MITCHELLS YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

the director had to fight to make the furby scene happen and sir we appreciate it

“androgyny is beautiful”- dana, about a furby

yes girl let jesus take the wheel on that anatomically correct furby

WHY WAS SHE TRYIKG TO TEACH HER FURBY DO CURSE THATS SO FUNNY

“fuck you! fuck you!”- not dana’s furby

$80,000 in debt for this

“shit shit fuck shit”

“as good friends, as disney would say”

dana trying not to lose her job

“AH GOD NO THE FEET THE FEET”

straight black coffee you psycho

DANA LOOSES TO THE CURSED FURBY

HAHAHA TINY NOSE IN THE SIGIL

cannot cook, girlboss, win dana with food

CATBOY SHREK

catchphrase? “AAAAAAAHHH”

scared of spiders

do not wake the cat

“is that a pile of garbage or is that ur self esteem after i fucking demolish you”

-dana terrace 2021

the iconic “byeeeee” was difficult

why can’t she draw shrek

“i need validation please jesus christ”

-dana terrace 2021

someone buy this woman the cat gamer headphones alex hurry up

she does not like the booth but she does it for us thank you queen

dana fainted getting a stick n poke rip

AWWW SHE GOT STEVE BLOOM THATS SO CUTE FOR HER

SHE DISLIKES FANTASY???? BOI WHAT THE HELL BOI

at least she’s having a good time making her own gross little fantasy land, improvise adapt overcome

dana unlocks the idea of things being done in different ways and have them all be good for the masses

“limitation breeds invention”

“wow ur really wise dana”

“….thanks dawg”

“well i didn’t have friends… no one laughed.”

i want the little comics of her pets

cat person dana

DANA WINS CATBOY SHREK

awww little stick and poke on her ankle

does not celebrate her birthday

OOOH THE HAMMERHEAD IS HER FIRST ONE I LOVE THAT ONE

#mood bunny

KERMIT ON STEROIDS

“how can we make this weird” GIRL IT IS KERMIT ON S T E R O I D S

HER LITTLE LAUGH IM SOBBING

this is literally psychological warfare

dana has not watched the muppets but she knows him drinking the tea so winning

DANA THE ANGST QUEEN LMAO

she’s proud about her making dipper and mable fight

DANA ANIMATED FOR NEXT WEEK MARK UR FREAKING CALENDARS

hooty is the owl house canon?

i wish the owl house was like a creature that would have been so funny

CAT APPEARS

season 2 is outline heavy when it comes to the writing

dana knows what she wants for season 2 and we love that

execs up the wall on season 1

DANA LOSES MUSCLE KERMIT

dana has not found the character porn! keep it up girl! stay over there!

oooh bike queen

SWING DANCE OH MY GOD

TAP DANCING

THIS WOMAN IS AN ICON I LOVE HERRRR

yes get that energy out girl

ddr stan, loses to matt braly at gravity falls team bowling hang out

cat is sad :( give her a snack :(

AWW GHOST HAS ASTHMA omg kinnie moment

conspiracy theory enthusiast when intoxicated

vaccination queen

does not believe in ghosts, kill me girl i’ll haunt you don’t worry i’ll prove it

DOG WORKING IN A CAFE

“the ow house get ready to get some boo boo”- this other guy because it made me cry

“you’re gonna have to pay me to write shit because i don’t work for free”

not a music person

DO A FLIP

dana do a flip for charity please i’ll donate like an organ or something

she can canonically do a flip and she’s not gonna show us this is homophobic

AH FUCK MY STREAM CUT OUT

her neighbor is parking yes get it

draw left hand

while holding pen wack

do it in online version of ms paint

“MS pain”- dana not finishing her word

and stick and poke

show us the work stuff dana >:(

an ARTIST

“he’s a strong independent dog”

“4 minutes 20 seconds 😏 h e h e h e”

WHY CANT WE SEE HER HEADBANG THIS IS SO RUDE

not the muscle pulling girl not now

“also dog”

CHAMPION DANA

IMAGINE DANA CALLING UR ART CUTE

H E L P THE FURBYS I CSNOT

ghost gets rejected

“he’s not impressed with ur bullshit”

catra shrek fan girl moment

dana has probably done drugs

“i am a fan of waluigi”

AN ITALIAN POLITICIAN SMACK TALKING THE OWL HOUSE LMAOSJB

note to self dana will only marry you if you look like kermit the frog

also dog comes from a land where dogs eat people at starbucks

LOWES AD

“he’s making out with it! he’s using tongue!”

there are bouncers in cafes where also dog comes from

dana has worked the cash register

someone make real witch merchandise

Q AND A YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

hooty is he has a very he has more he has a backstory it exists it’s written out but we might not ever get it because it’s just for her dana please i am on my knees

would play dnd if she could

favorite episodes haven’t even aired but currently is echoes of the past or keeping up a fear ances because they’re personal especially a fear ances

TOO LATE FOR EXTENDED SEASON THREE BOARDING HAS STARTED IM GOING TO CRY

SPIN-OFFS SHORTS AND COMICS STILL ALLOWED IM LITERALLY DEAD ON THE INSIDE

mentally she is thriving with the show and it’s going to end well 🙏

“it’s just my voice :(“

BYEEEEEEE

#the owl house #dana terrace

[veilder]

Tagged by @monchikyun. Thank you!

Rules: Tag however many people you want to know better/catch up with and then answer these questions

THREE SHIPS:

Convin (Connor/Gavin) - Anyone who knows me at all know that I absolutely adore Convin. They are absolutely my favorite sort of ship and they’re so dang versatile! You want enemies to lovers? Gotcha covered. You want snark and sass? Buckle up, babe. You want dynamic character growth, both as a unit and on their own? You’re in for a wild ride. Do you want two people with wildly different backgrounds coming together to learn they’re not so different after all? Man oh man, I got a treat for ya! I just... They are so wonderful in the lessons they can teach and in the intimacy they can portray. (And while the above describes my favorite variance of their dynamic, you can definitely find different iterations out there. Anyone who thinks this ship has no bite needs to reconsider, lol. Connor is canonically a ruthless killing machine and a dork who loves dogs. He definitely can hold his own against even Gavin at his worst.) But it comes down to growth for me. Both of them learning to become better people as they go along. They are very dear to me.

North60 (North x RK800-60) - Yeah, this is a weird rarepair. What of it? They’re actually amazing and I’ll explain why. Now, I know people’s interpretation of Sixty can change a lot. Heck, even I twist his motivations around sometimes when the plot requires it. But no matter how you look at it, Sixty didn’t really have... a good introduction to deviancy. Heck, considering I headcanon him as deviating only miliseconds before Hank’s bullet impacts him, I’d say that’s quite the understatement. Which is where North comes in. North, who understands both the regret of past actions and simultaneously the rage at her creators for how she was programmed. Who’s nurtured her anger--thrived in it--almost since the nascence of her deviancy. Who knows what it is to give into her negative feelings but then (with help) has managed to rise above them towards a better end. She’s lived through these same feelings Sixty is experiencing. Different circumstances, yes. But the same emotions. And I feel like, of anyone in the game, she could really understand him and the things he struggles with. She could help him, like Jericho helped her. She could be someone who doesn’t outright condemn his outbursts but instead allows him to vent his tangled feelings, to hit things, to spar with her when it gets to be too much. Because she knows what it’s like, keeping all that inside, and she doesn’t want that for him. And I think, slowly but surely, Sixty would begin to trust her. Even when everyone else in the world has betrayed him or left him for dead, here is one person who cares. And I think that would mean the world to him. I just... I see their relationship as a very healing one. One that would be good for both of them due to how well they’d get along and understand each other, even without words. They could both be what each other needs without any shame between them. And rA9 help anyone who stands in the way of both of them, omg. #PowerCouple

Anderstern (Hank x Amanda) - ...Yes, hello, it’s me again with another rarepair. But look, this has a lot of potential, just hear me out. Okay, so, what’s also probably obvious to everyone who knows me is that I 100% headcanon Hank and Connor in a familial relationship. I am so here for fics that focus on their bond and help it to grow and get them to the point where they can unshakingly call each other family. Everyone also probably knows that I adore redemption stories. And I could write a whole essay on Amanda and why I love her and her potential, but this is already so long, omg. (I’m sorry!) But suffice to say that I feel she definitely has the potential to deviate, too, especially after the good ending of the game. Do you see where I’m going with this, lol? On one side, a man who used to hate him, who was gruff and uncouth and blamed androids for his loss and even took it out on Connor, but he changed and grew and became someone Connor loves. And on the other side, an AI who spent Connor’s formative moments as a teacher and a guide, who is imo the closest thing to a mother he’s ever known, who was forced by her programming to manipulate him and chide him and threaten him until even more drastic measures were taken and she tried to take over him completely. But now with deviancy behind her, she could be someone who can change and grow beyond what she was designed to be. Who might be able to embrace the role of teacher and guide without her programming forcing her into circumstances that put her and Connor at odds.  Now, take these two flawed individuals, two people who care for Connor (and perhaps Sixty and Nines, too, if they’re around) a great amount and want to do better by him, the two people who are the closest things to parents he’s ever known-- Take these two people and force them to collaborate. To work together. To co-parent. And then perhaps... learn to care for each other, too? I am in love with the idea of this, for real. And I deeply regret not writing them more at this point. They deserve it. I definitely have ideas for them, lol. (Stay tuned!)

LAST SONGS LISTENED TO:

here comes the sun - bill wurtz (Hecc yeah!! I heckin love this dude and his weird-ass music, omg. New song just came out!!!)

Lost in Thoughts All Alone (flute cover) - skytywong (An absolutely beautiful rendition of this song, omg. This vid does not have enough views.)

Thunder & Lightning - NSP (I have this CD on in my car right now, lol. Heard this on my way home from work. It actually rocks, even if it’s absurd to the extreme. XD)

CURRENTLY WATCHING:

Full Metal Panic? Fumoffu - It’s been like a literal decade since I watched FMP but I remember loving it so much as a teen. So I decided to rewatch it lately and-- Still awesome, lol. I’m currently halfway through Fumoffu and then I’m watching The Second Raid. And then--! And then--!! THEY MADE A NEW SEASON FOR IT!! LIKE TWO YEARS AGO!! AH, I HAVE NEW CONTENT TO LOOK FORWARD TO!!!!

CURRENTLY READING:

Lol, fanfic as usual. XD Been really digging Amidst a Crash of Worlds by fireplanetz, a post-canon war story told entirely through letters between Connor and Gavin as they’re separated by the conflict. It’s... very good. Has had me all emotional more than once. And I really dig the format.

HOW’S IT GOING?

It’s going, lol! Nah, but I’m doing okay. I’ve just gone back to work after a very lengthy furlough period and I am definitely feeling it, omg. (I do an outdoor, physical labor job, omg.) I’m sore all over from using muscles that I haven’t in months. But it feels good at the same time! I’m glad to be back out there interacting with my co-workers and getting off my ass, lol! Hopefully, I can get back into some sort of shape before business picks back up again. XD

Tagging: @shootmewithasilverbullet @anchorsoutatsea @nohrianxscum @aureolite @sharysisnhmoonshadow and whoever else would like to do this! ^_^

#tag games #about me #dbh #(at least it's mostly about that dang game omg XD) #yeah I like rarepairs #what of it? #>_> #convin #north60 #anderstern #look I know I wrote a damn essay okay? #y'all should just expect this from me at this point >_<

[sweet-sixteen-kraang-birthday]

Haha I guess that was mine? Dw I've done that before too 😅 I suggested marcel and klaus as a relationship dynamic you could ramble about? I've got super into the originals lately and you have good thoughts about that show!

Thank you for sending it again! AND OH YES KLARCEL

I love them a lot. I wasn’t interested much at first tbh—just didn’t like Marcel, which is so crazy now, to think about it.... because I fricking LOVE him. Why I ever didn’t before is a mystery.

When I think of them, I think of THAT SCENE in 1x11

Marcel so angry and crying and it looks like their going to fight BUT KLAUS JUST HUGS HIM. It was such a surprise and the exact moment that I fell in love them. I have so many feelings about that Scene. 

Klaus determined, fierce face as he pulls Marcel it. HOW HE HOLDS HIS HEAD. and then, and then his VOICE. “im sorry. you may think i know nothing of your grief but you’re wrong.”

MARCEL ANGRY BUT THEN WHEN KLAUS HUGS HIM how he holds Klaus’ shoulder and just. cries. FUDGE

THE HAND CLASPING NECK. KLAUS LEANING SO CLOSE TO HIM. MARCEL LOOKING DOWN.

“in the days that i have fled this city i thought you were dead” “it was years before i could speak your name so keenly did i feel that loss” FUDGE

MARCELS FACE HERE 

fudgefudgefUDGE

HUG AGAIN THIS TIME WITH MARCEL CLINGING TO HIM. KLAUS SAYING “im sorry. im sorry”

FUDGGE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?? Cry, that’s what. CRY. 

It’s just a good scene, i love it so much. It really shows the soft and love parts in the relationship as to the all the fighting that happen AND HOW MARCEL CLINGS TO HIM WHILE HE CRIES SO DISTRAUGT FROM DAVINA’S DEATH AND KLAUS JUST. HOLDS HIM. SAYING “im sorry. im sorry” 

“it was years before i could speak your name so keenly did i feel that loss”  THIS IMAGE. 

it’s even MORE sadder when you think about how Marcel was the one brought Mikael to their city (alongside rebekah) and just. Klaus “SO KEENLY DID I FEEL THAT LOSS” sorry but i CANT. 

i watched their reunion back in the backdoor pilot scene WHEN I REALISED THAT THERES ONE. and it was....dissappionting but i guess it made sense. Tense and unclear but when they go for that hug when they smile - you could that moment when it turns into clear happiness.  klaus seeing him on the stage signing THRIVING after he thought he was dead... after he came to the fact that he was dead and could finally say his name---

holy heck. it’s A Lot. and, and then. Theres that moment where sohpie “please” and the harvest girls don’t wake up and Marcel realises that Davina is not coming back THAT LOOK THAT PASSES BETWEEN THEM before marcel wooshes away

Klaus goes after him. oh FUDGE. im watching this scene on repeat btw and im SUFFERING its so GOOD the music and everything. I need to watch the episode.Anyways, beside the point “we still have our community” 

“I DONT CARE ABOUT THE VAMPIRES SHE IS DEAD DO YOU HEAR ME”

“you may think i know nothing of your grief but you’re wrong.” KLAUS UNDERSTANDING HIS LOSS BECAUSE HE FELT THE SAME AS HIM RIGHT NOW AS THAT TIME WHEN HE THOUGHT THAT MARCEL DIED. 

*KILLED* BY HIS FATHER, WHO HE THOUGHT HE BROUGHT BACK TO THE CITY

ANDDD theres that moment where Klaus talks about how he was jealous of Marcel in s1. Klaus saying “want to rule as equals. togather” or something along those lines.   It was so honest and IM. just.  

WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO ME 

I thought that Marcel was playing when he says yes or like agrees with Klaus then but HE WASN’T. Back to Rebekah and him scene.... when she catches him. And we find that he geninuely wants to take Klaus’ offer. 

I don’t kind understand them---there’s so compilcated to pin down. Marcel says to davina to find something to kill a original. And I don’t know if he’d ACTUALLY kill Klaus. I want to say no, but really. It’s uncertain. I can see a world where Marcel kills Klaus. AND THEN there’s Klaus bitting Marcel in 1x22 or was it 1x20 AND I DONT KNOW IF THEY’D EVER BE ABLE TO KILL EACH OTHER  THE SHOW DOESNT MAKE THAT PART CLEAR AT ALL BUT I LOVE THAT TOO  they love each other. that much is so clear but oh there’s also so much hatered in them. And Jealously! And other complicated emotions. BUT THEY LOVE EACH AND THERES MOMENTS THAT SHOW THAT  i LIVE for those moments

AND THE FLASHBACKS klaus pausing and turning back. standing there and watching marcel as he gets hit. MARCEL NOT GOING DOWN WITH A FIGHT and Klaus stopping that whip and asking him his name. Marcel saying he doesnt have one (i have a Lot of Feelings about young!marcel.) klaus CROUCHING down to Marcel. the EYE CONTACT. “you’re a survior” his face isn’t showing emotions here, an observation i thought was intresting.  “and survious need name” Marcel blink-and-miss-it smile. i have FEEELINGS. 

“how about marcellous?”

“marcellous?” his confustion ; ; YOUNG MARCEL IS A BABY AND I LOVE HIM.

“it comes from mars. the god of war” klaus standing up and OFFERING HIS HAND “it means little warrior”

THEIR SMILES HERE.

Marcel looking back, uncertain, but taking Klaus’ hands AND SMILINNG

KLAUS SMILING BACK 

(also abdjsdsj Rebekah and Elijah’s faces in the backgroung. Lol.)

*breaks into more sobs* oh my god. these TWO 

also... i find so very intresting at how both Klaus and Marcel have both changed their names---it was Niklaus and Marcellous before. Idk the reason for Marcel’s. But. It’s interesting. I would love to explore the reasons as to WHY Marcel changed it. 

Maybe it was a bite at Klaus---how he’s living his life now, he’s not going to be in Klaus’ shadow anymore. Or something. Idk. but i really love the idea of Marcel shedding his all name as a ‘fudge you’ to Klaus for something. AND KLAUS CALLING HIM MARCELLOUS DESPITE IT but - eventually they make up and Marcel still keeps the name but Klaus starts to call him by that name.

I really love the flashbacks. Klaus’ jealously at Elijah and Marcel (who were so cute omg. im Sad about them) and how he goes to Kol “hes family” about Marcel and HOW he takes Marcel when elijah makes the decision to break off their relationship and Marcel is SAD over it. i mean. DID YOU SEE HIS FAMILY Klaus voice is so SOFT when he says to Marcel “come along” and how he puts that arm around him and Marcel follows him, stung and still confused by Elijah’s words

AND THEN THAT FLASHBACK where they HUG - i cant seem to find the video, and i have no idea as to what episode it was but. Marcel was back from the war and it was a HAPPY HUG. i MELTED.  I just hope that it really happened and my mind didnt make that up, lol. If it did, then. Just ignore it. 

more flashbacks scene:

klaus getting angry over Marcel’s decision to go the war and him being like “fight for FAMILY” or along those lines. And Klaus going to war AND BRINGING THOSE WOMAN AS A GIFT TO MARCEL. 

oh my gosh. klaus thats not how you. i was crackling. but - oh gosh. Klaus is so possesive of his family and wants them all to be with him, right beside him. any news about them leaving him - even if they’re going for a short time - 

THE BRIDGE SCENE. that s3 part where Marcel brings Klaus to the bridgebut wait before i get to that i NEED to talk about 3x20 it was PAINFUL

davina’s dead. marcel CRYING. that gleam of tears in his eyes.  “im not your family. not anymore’ AND KLAUS TRYING TO GO OVER AND GIVE HIM A HUG “marcel, come on” but this time Marcel DOESNT take it

his NO as he pushes Klaus away

this HURTS. i hate how they did davina’s death here. i mean. the scene was SO GOOD. Marcel’s ‘i love you--’ breaking off and freya and elijah just. but ehh. backtoback to cami’s death (which was STUPID and the worst decision ever)---it didn’t go. And i really don’t just like the how they placed davina’s death here. the ANGST is so good but everything else meh

anyways back to Klarcel. Klaus protest to Elijah suggestion or was it freya? of killing Davina. I love that lil detail. He knows how much she means to Marcel and Kol. 

I don’t honestly remember the arc where Klaus finds out about Marcel’s betrayal and how he called back his father ‘cept the Klebekah moments tbh. Theyre were like on FIRE that arc BUT THE THOUGHT OF KLAUS FINDING OUT THAT MARCEL BROUGHT HIM BACK

THEN THERES S1 scene. 1x20 i think. 

Klaus letting Marcel back in town for Father Kieran’s funeral. That Glance they share and Elijah saying “fix your past relationships” or something, i can’t quite remember. THAT SCENE BETWEEN THEM

i was screaming

“How did I fail you” HOW KLAUS SAYS IT. I love that Klaus gets to have such HONEST and RAW moments with Marcel 

and Marcel saying, “You didn’t” after Klaus turned around is awaking away. “you raised me”

THESE TWO. im CRYING. theyre just so so good. I love them so much. And season 1 was a goldmine for Klarcel. 

speaking of s1. I didn’t talk about Klaus and Marcel reuniting scene in 1x22. Marcel meant to use her as leverage--not really, he saved her because he doesn’t condone murder of babies and children!! his rule (why hayley is alive) and because shes his SISTER of course. Marcel slumped there amongst all his dead vamp guys. looking up to Klaus with hope in his arms (which meant he was staring down at hope that whole time before klaus got to him--which i have FEELINGS about. And Thoughts. Marcel & Hope. Oh gosh.  But this about Klarcel)

“i was too late” MARCEL someone give him a hug (pefferably Klaus)

I just realised that Marcel still has the bite here and is having hallucinations and stuff and just his FACE. oh my days. 

klaus voice as he here’s like “you saved my daughter so i would heal you and you’re friends.” its so SOFT and his smile. 

the way he says “here�� FUDGE 

“this bite... all of this... i know it didn’t come from nowhere. it’s the last song of the note in a song that I started centuries ago” this QUOTE 

“when i brought your dad to town and for that, im sorry” theyre really coming for my life here

KLAUS CROACHING DOWN AND PLACING HIS HAND ON HIS SHOULDER. “no”

MARCEL CRYING AND LOOKING AWAY

KLAUS GIVING HIM HIS BLOOD. MARCE’S FACE AS HE DOES, OH GOSH. 

Marcel SMILE when Hope turns to him and giggles—this is such a sweet and cute moment between them. Hope in Klaus arms. Klaus being so SOFT with her. It’s a new beginning. I LOVE THIS REUNION SO MUCH.

And also, back on the quote on “the last note in a song I....” Marcel doesn’t know it but it was actually MIKAEL who was behind the attack and that Davina brought him back. Ahhh. What a LINE.

And also. I really loved Marcel and Klaus’ small moments in s1. Klaus manipulating and destroying Marcel’s whole work behind his back and Marcel not knowing. The part where they were talking about Thierry and his music. And many more that I am pretty sure exists but can’t remember.

“You hypocrite” about Marcel and Sophie and how THEY SHARE A LAUGH HERE. That whole moment was so good and funny. Klaus thinks that he’s distracting Marcel here but in fact it’s Marcel who’s distracting Klaus here—and then back with Davina and Elijah making their own deal and tricking Marcel. Not to mention Klaus telling Rebekah to seduce Marcel, as way to keep him occupied. this FAMILY. I love them so much. 

And oh Klaus giving his mother’s necklace to Marcel---the necklace that he hated because he found out that Esther was using it repress his wolf side, making him look weaker---oh fudge, the moment he says “you are the author of everything i am” that DELIVERING of the line

...oops getting off track here. Going back.

I find it so interesting that Klaus gave that Necklace to Marcel. And by Marcel words about it... he knew the history of it. I wonder about what lead to Klaus giving to Marcel and having Marcel to keep it for him (and the thought that KLAUS KEPT THE NECKLACE WITH HIM ALL THIS TIME DESPITE WHAT IT MEANT)

#asks #anomymous #thank you so much for sending this in! #the originals #klarcel #yuki rambles #'good thoughts about this show' youre SO SWEET thank you #but. #err #this is most me desparing over them #then actual Thoughts lol #this is a mess of words. i might not have made sense at all---it happens when i ramble #i got more to say! but i gotta stop here #thank you again for sending this in! #i love these two a lot and it was fun rambling about them

[kylermalloy]

So, I'm curious, what is your favourite TO episode? If you are able to make a choice ;)

Oh, oh! This is one ‘favorites’ question I have no problem answering.

My favorite episode is and has always been the season 1 finale, “From a Cradle to a Grave.” Honestly, I think this is where the show peaked in its writing. I was on the edge of my seat the entire episode, just loving the excitement, the tension, the themes, and all the narrative threads coming together in one culminating, sweeping episode.

This episode is everything I love about the show. Murder, mayhem, and family :) But seriously! (Omg am I going to have to do a blow-by-blow of the episode? I think I might.)

In that case, the rest goes under a cut. (Spoilers for TO ahead!)

The episode begins with Hayley giving birth, induced by the witches who betrayed Klaus. It’s in the church, that unholy horror of a murder museum.

Intercut with the rose-tinted flashback of pregnant Hayley and Klaus feeling their baby kick, Hayley gives birth as her voiceover promises a safe home and family to “Zoe…or Caitlyn, or Angela.”

*irony* but it hurts.

Klaus and Hayley are, for once, united in the fight for their child. They’ve been at each others’ throats all season, and in the past neither have had trouble getting their way. But in this crucial hour neither the Original hybrid or the uncontrollable mama wolf can do anything.

Can I say: I love love LOVE that look Klaus and Hayley share after the baby is born. Hayley asks to hold her, and they share this…look. Listen, I’m not much of a klayley shipper, but their partnership is golden. They’ve reached a tentative agreement at this point that they’re both going to play a role in raising the baby they created. The trust and pride and satisfaction between them in this moment, despite the horrid circumstances, melts me.

And then Hayley dies.

Klaus screaming NOOOOOOO is all of us in this moment.

Oh! And I almost forgot—Klaus being pinned to the wall in that Christlike pose. That was NOT an accident. It helps tie in to the larger theme they’re going for, that Elijah expounds for us later. He’s not a sinless, perfect Christ figure—in fact, he’s the opposite. He’s the monster under the bed, the devil in the night. One might even go so far as to say he’s the symbol for everyone to pin their problems to. The ultimate scapegoat. Not to say he didn’t exert some effort of his own to get there—this is the price he has to pay for his sins. Crucified, figuratively, forced to watch helpless as his newborn daughter is taken from him and her mother slaughtered.

Then Elijah bursts in. (Bless Daniel Gillies’s funky lil run, it gives me joy in the bleakest of times)

And this, oh goodness, this quiet grief they share over Hayley. Klaus has held her body since he woke up, I’m guessing, this woman who carried his child, chafed against every controlling measure he tried to impose on her, whom he holds some degree of respect and fondness for.

And Elijah, dear Elijah. He pinned all his hopes (hee) to this woman, this werewolf Madonna and her child. He gave her more space in his heart than he’d given anyone, including women who’d haunted him for centuries. And now she’s dead, just like anyone who’s had the misfortune of sparking his affections.

Klaus healing Elijah—HEY REMEMBER EARLY IN THE SEASON WHEN KLAUS BIT ELIJAH AND LEFT HIM TO SUFFER?! Now, Klaus offers his blood without compunction, without hesitation. This time it’s Elijah who hesistates. You have to wonder, is he deliberating which nightmare he would prefer—the torture of wolf venom, or the torture of Hayley’s death and her baby’s disappearance?

“You were bested? My invincible brother?”

Klaus doesn’t rise to the bait like he normally would. He barely reacts. He’s broken. He wanted too much—he played king and gained the whole world, but lost his soul. And then his kingdom.

You see why I love this episode?

We move to the graveyard, where we see not only Klaus and Elijah trapped in a maze, but the witches preparing for a sacrifice. Let’s not gloss over their costume change, either—in the church, for the birth, they were all clad in black. But here, as they prepare for their worst atrocity yet, infanticide, they wear pure white, like they’re going to a christening or something. *irony*

Then comes *the speech* from Elijah, the one that mirrors the pilot so perfectly (I know them both by heart, thank you very much.) In the pilot, Elijah’s speech is rousing, patient, and encouraging. Here, he has lost his patience. Here, he tells us what we’ve been seeing throughout the entire season.

“This is the world you created, Niklaus. All your scheming, the enemies you have made every day do your miserable life—what results did you expect? That your child would be born into a happy life? That the mother would be alive, to know her daughter? That we could live and thrive as some sort of family?”

“That was your fantasy, brother, not mine—”

“No, brother! This was our hope. This was our family’s hope. And now she is gone.” (And then we realize that he’s not just mourning the baby, that family he imagined—he mourns Hayley.) “Do you understand? I let this person in. I let her in. I don’t let people in.”

And Klaus’s reaction! This Klaus, with compassion he deserves only for his closest family—this is the Klaus that melts me. This is the scene that slaps. This is how we tie a bow on a season—nay, a millennium—of brotherly tension. They’re not healed; nothing could truly heal the damage they’ve done to each other (or the damage others have wrought on them) but it’s a start.

And Hayley wakes.

Before I go on, let me mention Marcel. Ally, enemy, friend, surrogate son to Klaus (and that could be all in one episode!) He’s destined for death by hybrid venom, having led his vampires into a massacre. All his attempts to rally his people have failed. He’s lost the city, and his vampires have been slaughtered by Guerrera werewolves. He has almost nothing left.

He goes out, armed to forcibly obtain Klaus’s blood and heal his friends—but he upon finding Klaus he makes very on-brand choice. He saves the baby.

He does what the combined efforts of Klaus, Hayley, and Elijah can’t. He wins Klaus’s trust back by saving his newborn daughter. He protects the innocent instead of contributing to the feud. He murders the girl he once tried to save from the Harvest. And he gets to meet his baby sister.

It’s strategy and heart all in one. It’s very Marcel.

He reconciles with Klaus, and Klaus heals him. They are healed—to some degree.

Then Klaus gets to hold his child for the first time, and we all die.

This is what the season has been building up to. Yes, it’s been building to Klaus being toppled off his throne, yes it’s been building to the splintering of his ego, but THIS is what we’ve been promised since the beginning—before the beginning of the show, even. The Original hybrid, brought to his knees by this child. His child. Someone he loves without reservation. Someone who doesn’t fear him. Someone innocent, who carries none of the burdens of their family. Someone who inspires hope in the hopeless. Someone he would kill for, or die for. (he does both)

And I can’t, I just can’t with them. I love the way JoMo handles the baby in this episode—very gingerly, a little awkwardly. It’s probably been a long time since Klaus has handled a baby (one that he hasn’t eaten D: ) and it’s just. so. endearing.

Meanwhile, Davina has…brought Mikael the destroyer back to life? I remember reading somewhere that Josh was supposed to die in this episode, and while I wouldn’t dare wish to deprive Josh of the happiness (and subsequent heartbreak) awaiting him in s2 and beyond, I think Davina’s motivations would’ve made more sense here if she were seeking to avenge her friend’s death. But I digress. Davina resurrects Mikael. Oh dear.

I haven’t mentioned Genevieve yet! She is one of my favorite antagonists. At first, she seemed to come out of nowhere, and I suspect she might have stepped into the narrative hole that was originally filled by Sophie Deveraux, but regardless I like her conflict. A witch cheated out of life (by an Original, no less!) and coerced to murder by her coven, living and dead. An apologetic killer. Yikes.

Klaus and Elijah then discuss how to protect the baby (and I swear in the opening shot it looks like they’re holding hands—but alas, it’s just a trick of the camera angle.) and Hayley helps them determine that they need to send her away. And let me say, Phoebe Tonkin impressed me more with her acting in seasons 2-3, but she hurts me here too. Ouch.

We get a few expository scenes—Francesca spins the werewolf attack into a gang war (she’s not wrong), Marcel makes a deal, Oliver is still an arrogant brat, and Davina plans to keep Mikael as her secret weapon (you poor child).

Then we get the most painful scenes in the episode, because even though we know this tragedy is a lie, it’s still a loss. The baby did not die, but their pain over losing her is real. Elijah says as much: “grief, after all, is grief.”

Klaus and Cami share a scene, and this is one of my favorites of them. Klaus admits that he finds her…beautiful. And for that reason, she should stay away from him. Whether you read this as romantic or not, it’s still so good. This is a woman Klaus pinpointed as being useful, intelligent, insightful, and strong enough to handle his psyche. They began with a rather twisted relationship (let’s save that essay on autonomy for another day, shall we?) but by the end of the season they’ve shared some experiences and gained more sympathy and respect for each other. And Klaus, in his moment of clarity and grief, recognizes that he is fundamentally not what she needs. (Or we could say this is all part of the lie. We’ll never know.)

Also, let me give a shoutout to the music in this episode! The two songs that play toward the end, Open Hands and Shallows are stellar. Speaking of the end! Let’s get into the biggest surprise this episode has for us.

“In what world will she be safe without her father? Who can protect her better than we?”

“There is one person.”

Rebekah. The thousand-year-old beauty queen I honestly thought we’d never see again after her exit in episode 16. The Original sister, the girl who loved too easily, who broke her brother’s heart and incurred his wrath. Who left to live her own life, who only could leave after her favorite brother set her free. Who always wanted what she couldn’t have, a family of her own.

And here she is, smiling at Klaus even though last time they screamed themselves hoarse in a graveyard and he put an enchanted stake through her chest, inches from her heart. She loves and hates him in equal measure, but she has nothing but love for this newborn baby. It’s a peace offering and the ultimate gesture of faith. Klaus could not trust anyone else in the world with his daughter, but he will hand her over to his beloved sister. It is the PERFECT way to end the season, especially with their parting words. Rebekah wants to know the baby’s name.

“Hope. Her name is Hope.”

They’ve been planning this gimmick from day ONE, I’m telling you. Ever since the pilot, when Elijah asks, “who’s more pathetic—the man who sees hope to make his family whole again? Or the coward who only sees the world through his own fear?” And I don’t care how cliche and gimmicky it is—if I did, I wouldn’t be watching this CW show. It’s perfect. This is what the baby means. She is the hope for this broken, broken family. She’s no savior—she doesn’t have to do anything but exist. But she reminds these siblings who, after a thousand years of bloodshed and fighting, are “the definition of cursed—always and forever,” that they can be better. They don’t have to remain the shells of who they were. They can pick up the pieces and begin a new chapter.

And that’s what this episode does for me, folks. It’s honestly too much to handle. I cannot watch this episode like a normal person—I writhe and scream and laugh maniacally and recite the lines. It’s a trip.

This episode concludes the season so strongly. It’s actually a major part of why I rank season 1 as my favorite! I did an official ranking of all 5 TO seasons a while back, which was a lot of fun.

#the originals #original groupies #asks #aeruthien #thanks for sending this in! #mymeta #to 1x22 #klaus mikaelson #elijah mikaelson #hayley marshall #hope mikaelson #marcel gerard #this got long but i'm not even sorry #i cannot express deeply enough my love for this episode #i was gonna find gifs of all the scenes but lbr i don't have that kind of patience #just enjoy my words #kylerrambles

[rapperkookz]

ironman!namjoon

a/n wow ok so this is the start of my avengers!bts headcanons and yuh they all have set in stone story lines but im gonna shake it up a lil bit xD

word count: 2.3k

____________________

kim namjoon

you see

the kim namjoon is a smart kid

child genius if i say so myself

and boy he knew it

no eleven year old chooses to write a paper about hubble’s law of cosmic expansion for a science project instead of making a trifold and using liquid cement

no, namjoon writes a 4-page paper in apa style with a magnificent abstract

he got an A on it of course

his brilliance only goes up from there

and with his rich parents, he has the opportunity-

to which yoongi and seokjin would say “privilege”

but let’s just say “opportunity”

to do incredible research and studies and experiments

his dad has a science lab built just for him in their house

by nineteen, namjoon has taken over a good percentage of his parents’ business

kim enterprises

growing up, namjoon had an idea that his parents’ business was pretty expansive and were involved in many areas

but it wasn’t until he was placed in board meetings at eighteen when he absorbed how powerful his family really was

and sure the business aspect of him was aight, but he loved his lab and would rather leave the negotiating to his mom and dad

you grew up with namjoon, you were also from a wealthy family

your fathers were childhood friends and they grew their businesses together

although kim enterprises surpassed your family’s wealth easily, the bond between your families were still tight

namjoon was stubborn and a smartass

but he wasn’t a jerk, just...very selective with his true self

he’s also a bit spoiled, but with his parents who gave into his every wish, it just turned out that way

at 21, namjoon’s parents got into a plane crash on the way to a meeting in london and it unfortunately claimed their lives

namjoon became the sole CEO and heir of kim enterprises

he asked you for help because damn he couldn’t run a whole business by himself??

and you weren’t needed yet to run your own family business

so you didn’t mind helping out your friend

things were running okay with little kinks in the road, but the business was still thriving and so namjoon was okay with that

until one day when you and namjoon were hanging out in his family mansion and it was broken into

in a crazy haze, you were captured and abducted

namjoon knew they were after him and not you and for the first time in his life:

he had absolutely no idea what to do

he had to find you of course but he didn’t know where to start

namjoon couldn’t tell your parents because they would absolutely kill him for not protecting you

and honestly he wanted to beat himself up too for that fact

thanks to his brilliant mind, he managed to track wherever the fuck you were being held captive

he took his private jet out to a nearby place and did the rest by foot

this was basically a suicide mission and he knew it, but to hell with it

namjoon would exchange his life for yours, you’ve been with him since birth

back to you

you were being held in a cell

your captors needed namjoon to build something for them, but since you weren’t him, you were useless to them

you thought they were going to kill you

but instead they just locked you up

you didn’t expect to see namjoon being pushed into your cell with you

“joon what the fuck are you doing here?”

“I uh...I found you.”

you thought he would have told your dad and then like officers would come and find you

not namjoon, alone.

“did you expect to just walk in and sweet talk them into letting me go?”

he scratched the back of his neck

“for a genius, you’re fucking stupid.”

“okay, truthfully, i thought I could turn myself in and that would convince them to let you go, but i guess they just took both of us haha.”

for weeks you two were held prisoner, your captors taking namjoon in the morning and returning with him at night

you were just stuck in there

but whenever joon came back, he had a new injury to him

your heart hurt whenever you saw him come back, pain all over his face

you would do your best into aiding him, but you didn’t really have much options in the small cell

it was one night when he didn’t come back and your mind automatically assumed that he was dead

you started sobbing in the cell, god you were going crazy

you needed to get out of there

and then when you heard some whimpering and cries of pain, your drive only got bigger bc you knew it was namjoon

you started clanging on the cell and screaming for them to let you go

and then from the corner of your eye, you spotted joon crawling to you, all bloodied up

you gasped spotting the large wound on his chest

but before you could start losing your mind about your best friend was going to die, he calmly started instructing you to build a generator for him

you: joon! I’m not as smart as you, this thing is going to fucking blow up

joon: y/n, calm down and listen to me. you can do this, i believe in you

also joon: connect that wire to the plug...black long thing to red square.

as the hours went on into the night, namjoon sounded weaker and weaker, making you urgent into finishing his little generator

you started holding his hand

“joon, it’s done, okay? it’s done.”

“this is going to hurt like a bitch, but put that generator in my wound. and shove my shirt in my mouth, shut me up with it or we’ll get caught.”

“w-what?”

“just do it y/n!”

you shoved the triangle thing you made (with his help) into his chest and shut your eyes as you basically gagged joon quiet

within minutes he started to get better and you felt like a huge weight was lifted off your shoulders

the last thing you remember before crashing was joon saying “thank you, y/n, now go rest.”

you were awaken by a huge bang

lo and behold, namjoon’s in a tin suit and he blasted your cell open

you could barely register namjoon breaking the roof of your cell and grasping you by the waist and flying you out of there

his tin suit failed him within minutes, the thrusters he built at his feet giving in

but the important thing was that you two made it out and crashlanded in a lake

the place where you were held captive burst into flames

you were founded by your father’s men

(he had some great influence in the army)

and fuck you and joon suffered from one hell of a ptsd

for a while, joon became distant

i mean, could you blame him? y’all got kidnapped and almost died

you tried to reach out but his house security kept denying you

cute side note: namjoon’s jarvis is called moni

“god dammit moni, i just wanna talk to him”

“my apologies miss/sir y/n, master kim doesn’t want any visitors at the moment.”

:(

the next time joon talked to you was months after you two were found, he invited you over to his house and his security system led you straight to his lab

you walked in to see your best friend in a golden technological suit, the triangle generator you helped him make glowing on the torso of his suit

“joon, what the fuck are you doing?”

he sat you down and explained how after your whole kidnapping, he realized that he had a gift 

and he could either be sitting around waiting to be kidnapped again for his mind to be used for the worst

or he could be doing something for the greater good

you honestly couldn’t follow, couldn’t he just use his wealth to donate to charities or something?

but no, he wanted to be proactive and idk be some kind of superhero

“why are you telling me all this?”

“well, not only are you my best friend and we have suffered through hell together...if I happen to die out there, I’m leaving you in charge of kim enterprises.”

“huh die out where? joon you’re not going back there.”

he then told you how he was forced to build weapons while you were kidnapped and how his parents dealt with underground business with terrible people and now it’s come to bite him and kim enterprises in the ass

“i’m going back. If you want, you can stay here and monitor me. moni has complete access to my suit, it is my eyes and ears.”

“god, just...come back, don’t die on me, please.”

you end up watching him complete whatever mission he had for himself

but also how he got his ass beat

you almost missed a pair of boys save him from where he was

they were quick to the eye, dressed all in black, you just remember one with a bow and arrow

fast forward another couple months

joon was safe, thank god, and just doing insane upgrades on his suit and what not

you called him golden boy, but he said that name just didn’t suit him

you see that pun i put there ;)

the two of you were discussing the art exhibit he needed to attend when moni alerted him of visitors

surprise surprise it was the same two boys that you remember saving him, except they were dressed casually this time

“you must be y/n, namjoon hyung’s better half.”

namjoon glared at the boy, “shut up, jimin.”

the other one spoke, “we need you both to come to headquarters.”

“omg I’m not being kidnapped again, am i?”

the three of them laughed

you were told that jimin and the other boy, taehyung, were agents under BTS, a protection initiative created by their boss, Mr. Bang

and now, namjoon was being recruited to be part of that initiative

BTS is a specialized sub-unit to the larger Avengers motion

it put your mind at ease knowing that namjoon wasn’t alone in his whole fighting crime and saving lives ordeal

the media deemed namjoon’s golden suit as “iron man”

and although you personally liked your “golden boy” name better

joon had a complete liking to the other name

you witnessed when they recruited more agents to BTS

namjoon began to have a nice bond with the other boys

and it made you happy, of course, knowing that he had others by his side

but sometimes you couldn’t help but feel as if you were being replaced as his best friend

especially when he and the wakandan king, jung hoseok, became rather close

namjoon first realized his feelings for you when kim seokjin, aka the god of thunder, was flirting with you during one of joon’s house parties

he almost had a fist fight with him

but the other boys held them back from beating each other up

a supersuit vs a god with insane powers? that wasn’t going to end well at all

and so namjoon secretly pined for you

you were still doing business together, but it was mostly you because he was busy now with world saving duties

you were the one to convince him to recruit their youngest and final member to BTS

the spider kid, jeon jungkook

namjoon becomes jungkook’s mentor

and it’s quite endearing

but jk’s also the one to spill to you that namjoon has had the hugest crush on you for the longest time

kid just can’t keep his mouth shut sometimes

all the boys knew that namjoon was basically in love with you

they even helped him come up with this elaborate event of confessing to you

...which all went to hell bc yoongi got triggered and smashed everything

yoongi felt so bad afterwards

but all ended well bc of course you loved namjoon back

he was your best friend and your #1 since day 1

namjoon ends up revealing himself as iron man probably a year after the whole BTS unit was solidified

the press was hell for kim enterprises

which you had to mainly contain :/

but you know he’s a charmer in front of the camera

your parents were a bit iffy when they found out you were dating iron man

but if anyone could take care of you, they knew it would be namjoon

aw im emo

dating your best friend/business partner is a rollercoaster

you’ve had your fair share of heart attack moments, waiting for him after a battle or a mission

namjoon has put his life in danger and will continue to put his life in danger and you’re just going to have to deal with that

he hates that he also puts your life in danger just by association, but you have a lot of protection, courtesy of Mr. Bang

you wear his suit sometimes and try to fly it for fun

he finds you cute

builds you a suit, yourself, but you don’t wear it often

mostly bc you know there’s some weapons included for safety and that scares you a bit

you end up merging businesses with kim enterprises

and run the whole rodeo bc he’s too busy saving the world

but you always keep him updated on what’s happening

he’s become less arrogant after being with the boys and after dating you

but he’s still a smartass

uses kim enterprises’ wealth and resources for the improvement of BTS

it’s pretty useful if you ask me

namjoon becomes the spokesperson for BTS ;)

he and his boys save the world on the regular

but he wouldn’t be saving the world if you didn’t save his world first

u fucking wu

that last part was cheesy but am i sorry about it?

nah

7-6-19

#ironman!namjoon #avengers!bts #ah im obsessed #me? a marvel gal #kim namjoon #namjoon #namjoon au #bts au #bts headcanon #namjoon headcanon #rm #bts rm #bts scenarios #namjoon scenarios #bts fics #namjoon fics #bts bullet au #namjoon bullet au #bts #beyond the scene #bangtan #bangtan boys

[priboltao]

here’s some more triggery fucked up shit [all triggers apply]

i’ll just spare your 173 dashes

i cut real bad today and i felt fucking proud i managed to do that

like “fuck yeah i really gave myself what i deserve! cut this bitch!”

im not even joking, that was what i was thinking

also i tried being happy with brendon coming out

i should, right

but the internet made me a suspicious bitch so i just got like “is he really tho”

also over the past hour this fucking hell hole of a site reminded me of every single bad thing he ever did and can i be honest? I don’t wanna know

i  dont  want  to  know

I just wanna keep looking up to him cause his music helped me so much during this very dark moment im going through and believing in him being a good person (although slightly misguided at times) makes this so much easier

(like when he donated a fucking million dollars to charity and i couldn’t even be happy about it cause you fuckers made me second guess that too)

but my point is, i wanna be happy for him and be like those people like “omg he’s such a legend” and then i go to all-loving-ryan tumblr and all i see is the bad shit he did and my point is i don’t wanna know. I literally wanna overlook everything and pretend everything is fine. Let me say that again

i wanna pretend everything is fine

cause it just makes my life so much easier, it’s so much better when i want to die just because i’ll never go to a panic! concert instead of wanting to die because the one person i admired and looked up to ends up being a fucking idiot who harrasses people and jokes about stuff that should never be joked about

i just wanna love something and not be fucked by it

even though this is also becoming a problem because looking at photos of a happy couple also makes me wanna kill myself because i’ll never ever find love in life and it kills me even tho i say it doesn’t

love really is the most important because even if you’re super broke, when you really really love someone that seems to be less important cause at least you have love

but if i’ll never find love i wish i could at least be filthy rich, but hey, i can’t - i’ll be broke forever cause that’s how capitalism works

(we have a song in brazil about it that goes like “the rich gets richer, the poor gets poorer; and everyone knows the reason why: those who are up go up, and those who are down go down”)

So, the two most important things in life are: love (like real fucking undying love) and money (a real obscene amount of money) and I have none of those and never will

also the only two times someone said they loved me romantically i didn’t love them back, and one of them assaulted me

also there’s the sex thing - don’t ask. there’s abuse involved.

also i’m super broke even tho i work full time in a job i hate cause i have no prospects of supporting myself in any other way- well, my mom. It’s just to support my mom, if i didn’t have to do that, i would have killed myself long ago and even she knows that

(not that she cares, she’s too busy being depressed as well and expecting me to be supportive when she never was supportive of my mental ilnesses. In fact, to this day, when she sees new cuts she calls me stupid and says she should hit me. I’m thirty, mind you.)

also my dream of becoming a writer tanked so many years ago and people go like “why don’t you write anymore” and i’m like bitch i would if i got paid but money is the only thing that matters to even get published in this shitty country and i dont have it

maybe im just not talented enough

to overcome what everyone knows is a business where you have to have connections

and if we’re being honest being a writer is a plan B cause its the only thing i do sort of well (not well enough to succeed apparently) cause what i really wanted was to be a singer or a performer or to be in broadway but the thing is i suck and i missed my window to try and succeed by looks, and i sing like a dead hyena and move like said hyena was hit by a truck and act like, well, nothing, i took six months of teather in college and chickened out because of the pressure so broadway would eat me alive (but at least i would die in NY instead of stinky brazil)

So, big summary

im cutting like hell cause i deserve it

i wish brendon was a better person but if he’s not i’ll just ignore his shitty behaviour like the coward i am and just c h o o s e to believe him

of the two people that make me feel amazing things with their music, one is problematic as fuck and one killed himself (and i won’t go into it, but it fucks me up to think it’s being a year and only now i’m getting the realization he did that and he’s not coming back. LIKE, JUST NOW)

i’ll never find love or happiness cause i’m just shit and don’t deserve anything

i’ll never have enough money to just try and fill this hole i have where my soul should be, i barely get by to pay my bills

i can do only one thing sort of well but not well enough to succeed 

i suck real bad at everything else i would love to do

i’m ugly as fuck

i wish i could end my life like yesterday but i can’t cause it would crush my mom’s feelings and i cannot do that even though i’m sure she would thrive without my toxic influence

so i’m just dragging my ass through life, living paycheck to paycheck and pretending everything is fine cause if i don’t, i’ll cave in and breakdown and i don’t even have the right to do that

and i’m like, beyond any help at this point, like there’s literally nothing i can do to change how i feel and i’ll just have to suck it up and hold it together till the day i can die which can be like 50 years from now

it will be pretty pathetic when i get to kill myself really cause it will be like “ok, but you could have waited you’re really old already ur gonna die anyway”

but it will be a fucking while

long story short

this has been a post.

#personal #suicide plan journal #tw #suicide #depression #self harm #self injury #self hate #mental disorders #im writing to make the voices stop #but they dont #borderline personality disorder

[wannawrite]

Lights on

who?: Wanna One’s Yoon Jisung 

genre: 🌸 type: bullet point, day one of christmas collab winkwonk

blog navigator.

• part of the collaboration with my girls @onlyjihoons and @hwinkinghwi • Jisung is in charge of running a huge, high class, world recognised flower garden

CKLSSHODS THE COLLAB KICKS OFF HERE IT’S STARTING. wow can you believe I’m posting first because I’m the youngest...but I love my bbys.💕 please go check them out as well! Hope you guys enjoy this collaboration.

- Admin L

posted late due to wifi problems as I’m currently overseas/still on hiatus. Apologies.

• honestly • in all honesty • cross your heart • you did NOT want to be here • when your parents suggested taking a day trip to Gardens By The Bay • and drag you out of your precious bed during the December holidays • it was a huge hell no • work/uni had been so stressful you just wanted a day to yourself and the bed • well, that had been your life since the start of the holidays but • nothing could beat the workload landed on Singapore university students • study study study • jiayou friends!!!! • occasionally emerge from your house to run to the kopitiam [ food court ] or wet market for food • and kopi • and kaya toast • before going back to the safety of your room to hibernate • preferably without a blanket fort because Singapore is hot enough • tropics • ahh yes sunshine • sun: *fries you up on Orchard Road pavement* • it never really feels like Christmas here if you don’t see the fancy decorations at malls and Orchard Road • because this island only ever has one season • which is summer • maybe that’s why your family wanted to visit GBTB to get a feel of some Christmassy decor and winter plants • to ‘get into the holiday mood’ • but really • as much as you wanted to admire the view • and the place the government put tons of money into building • there was work calling your name • and you were still sleep-eyed when your mum woke you up, shoved you into the backseat and drove halfway across the island to the resort style flower garden • fun fact: I performed at GBTB once • such talent [delete] • the crowds of excited tourists and booming noise of chatter irritated you and you wanted nothing more to go home • why • plus, your parents planned to stay in the area until nightfall for some lighting display thingy • why • your sleep schedule had been really REALLY   • really • messed up • :”) relate • you NEEDED sleep • December holidays is for sleep • fix your sleep schedule • proper sleep had become a need • it kind of always is but you just ignored it, grinding on to push your GPA up • get that 4.0 GPA! • but now • a need • you slept all the way to Gardens By The Bay, ignoring all the magnificent sights and attractions on the way • Merlion started sobbing how dare you • he was all scrubbed clean for the holiday season some more • Singapore Flyer wants to fly your ass away • Marina Bay Sands crumbled to the ground and you were still snoring • what a great citizen 👍🏼 • you were dead tired • yOU DON’T DESERVE THIS SLANDER • especially when you’ve seen it all already I guess • but honestly, I really want to be a tourist and do touristy shit one day • so you were ready to throw hands at all the people you didn’t exactly want to be around • ‘WAKE UP SWEETIE WE’RE HERE’ • cue car door opening • and blazing sunlight burning through your shut eyelids into the core of your orbs • AIR CON WHERE’S THE AIR CON • if you didn’t run, the humidity would frizz your hair up • before you could protest or wash your face to look as alive as the thriving plants • all the plants are hella well looked after believe me • iTS SO ALIVE AND ENTHRALLING • a ticket for Cloud Forest and Flower Dome was shoved into your hands • and you were thrown into the mystifying lands inside Gardens By The Bay • ooohhh • it was chillingly refreshing • misty • hmm • mysterious • mysterious Christmas • of course, GBTB had spared no expense on Christmas decorations • there was a Santa sleigh and reindeers pulling it on the upper floor • bet, it was going to illuminate once the sun went down • this is hard to explain in words but basically when you enter Flower Dome, you’ll see this really high platform far away on your right and usually some decorations are placed there • I actually haven’t been there in awhile • rip I googled all of this but my wifi is SLOW here • flowery scents wafted into your nose and surprisingly, it was energising • mhmm are those pine trees? • REAL pine trees growing in the soil • REAL ONES • we never get anything here • my mum nearly bought a dead $80 tree from Cold Storage idk if we should or should have • are those poinsettias? • red • blue • green • this is how Singapore decorates every year I’m not kidding • go Orchard Road and you’ll see • I think • anyway • you won’t be surprised if there was going to be gingerbread men growing on trees • Singapore science and technology is advanced 😫😭 • they actually formed the formula for the OCBC [bank] Skyway trees • they absorb sunlight, turns it into solar energy and that energy powers some parts of the park! • but imagine if food really grew on trees • you did buy a gingerbread man from a cart to fuel yourself • since you did skip breakfast • maybe you should get turkey and log cake for breakfast • even the lady serving you was decked out in poinsettias and a christmas hat • this is fiction I think ^ • huge mood   • PUMP UP C’MON • Christmas carols and pop songs were blasting through the speakers • ‘ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOUUUUU’ • it really got you into the mood • you wanted to dance • ‘JINGLE BELL ROCK’ • ah yes • jazzing to Christmas music • maybe you’d look like the awkward uncle from Hong Kong no one knew about until this year when he finally paid a visit • my family ^ • casually • rocking by yourself • yeah, that mood • bRING ON THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT • uh but you were also kind of freezing because there wasn’t much time to bring a jacket and whatnot • you never actually need a jacket in SG fyi • it’s 30+ degrees celcius all year round • but here, they plunge the temperatures so that the imported plants are able to survive and live well • suck it up • plants can deal with it but I can’t ??? no way • there were sparkly blue christmas lights draped all around the trees and there was a HUGE, GIGANTIC christmas tree decked out with lights, colourful ornaments • ahh so sweet • gET INTO THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT • you helped to take pictures of your parents • so cute • all touristy • and of course, family pictures and more christmas aesthetics • then suddenly • your parents spotted a tour ongoing • ‘eh let’s go join,’ • ‘mUM NO WE DIDn’T SIGN UP FOR IT’ • ‘aiya nevermind, they’ll never see one.’ • classic • so you slipped behind this group of people and their tour guide • the man was explaining something about the species of flowers • and how they were only found native in Alaska or something • but you know SG government invested big money to import and grow these JUST for christmas • wink wonk • they really endorse this garden city concept here • it actually is cute I like it • but there should be more garden, just saying • appreciate nature • anyway   • ‘and this species only grows in the coldest of weathers...’ • out of the corner of your eye, you spy a handsome, professionally dressed and seemingly important man • walkie talkie, iphone in his suit pocket, observing the guide • there’s a silver name tag pinned onto his jacket • manager? • supervisor? • managing director? • CEO? • there’s also a tiny poinsettia under his name tag • huh adorable • he’s definitely passionate about his job because you’ve seen these suited dudes and most of them ripped off the pin the second their boss turned their back • he’s different • you notice sweat suddenly rolling down the guide’s face • so that handsome guy is probably his superior and making sure he’s doing a good job • maybe he holds a really high position • ‘hEY HENRY SOMEONE BROKE INTO THE CACTUS EXHIBIT YOU NEED TO COME WITH ME NOW’ someone yells from behind • most probably another staff • this is a MAJOR thing okay • henry, your tour guide, VISIBLY jumps in shock, trying to find a solution • he really doesn’t need a mix of angry Singaporeans and tourists • >:( • wAtch ouT fOR thE CoMplaIN qUEEns • probably me so I can’t say anything • hENRY DO SOMETHING • let him live he just works here • HENRY SAVE THE CACTUS • HENRY DON’T WASTE TAX PAYERS MONEY PLEASE WE SPENT MONEY OF CACTUSES • ‘i got this,’ • your eyes widen when that dapper man pats Henry on the shoulder and gestures for him to follow the other worker behind the group • oooh he’s kind-hearted as he as good-looking • he hastily thanks the man, bowing slightly before running off • ‘hello everyone, apologies for the swap. I am Yoon Jisung and I’ll be your tour guide for today.’ • omg he’s so cute • his lips curve into a smile, one that reaches his eyes, completely opposite of his suave, serious look • ‘now, about this plant....’ • you’re completely amused and into his thorough explanation • plus, he has great way of expressing and wording his sentences • not to mention his facial expressions • that guy who always keeps everyone’s fullest attention • only now, you’re keen to tag along behind the group • sweetie me too • if i ever had a hot guy helping me • well, a Yoon Jisung guiding me • your parents eagerly blend and meld into the existing group, no one bats and eye • Jisung blinks • Jisung just smiles • he closes one eye • continues on with his explanation and tour without saying anything • after about 30 minutes wandering around • 30 minutes in his presence • half an hour breathing the same air as you • indirectly talking to him for 30 minutes • highlight of today • s w o o n • the tour slowly draws to a close • you’re dreading its end • at the end of the last exhibit, Jisung claps once and announces that his mini tour has come to an end • ‘you’re free to wander around, I’ll be here if you have any questions.’ • he smiles as the crowd breaks into applause • oH mY GOODNESS HIS SMILE CAN SAVE THE WORLD • a FrIckINg BEAUTY • between Jisung and the flower bed you can’t tell which one is the flower • ‘hey y/n, we’re going to that exhibit for a bit.’ your parents say, wandering off and leaving to your own devices • ‘o-oh okay.’ • you pretend to admire a flower, really, you’re admiring Jisung • he smiles, nods and waves at visitors while observing the staff • so sweet • doesn’t hesitate to help a curious visitor with questions • or a lost child looking for their parents • lowkey, you’re following him • you know, just around that square of attractions • he’s the biggest one • he faces your direction and you quickly duck, pretending to admire an ignited Christmas snowflake light • thinking he has finally looked away and moved on, you pop you head up • only to • meet his gaze • BUSTED • red-handed • red faced now • WH00PS • whAT HAVE I DONE • oh no • heat flows to your face and you want to jump and hide in a bush • there’s an abundance of bushes too • hey this thorny one seems very appealing • hopefully then I’ll remove all trace of myself • let’s :) hope :)) he :))) doesn’t :)))) see :))))) me :)))))) • I did great • good job • well done • you tried • how to check out a guy and not be caught 101 • 1. Don’t look up • 2. Jump in a thorny bush • ‘hello,’ Jisung greets. ‘how can I help you?’ • uHM • bY NOT MAKING MY HEART FLUTTER • PLEASE GET AWAY FROM ME • W O W MY HEARTBEAT SEEMS TO HAVE SPED UP A LOT • I REALLY WONDER WHY • I must be romantically attracted to plants or something • nO IT’S JUST YOU • and he’s a foreigner • his name gives him away completely and he probably has his own native language • yet he’s so fluent in English • hard-working intellectual • home boy could like...get it • hELP ME • someone save you pls • smiling sheepishly, you try to seem nonchalant and all • ‘I was just wondering...where...uhhh...um.’ • there’s no excuse you can come up with so you stand in silence with a heated face • Jisung just chuckles • he’s so cute when he laughs and his eyes just become crescent moons like ASDFGHJKL • jisung on master key got me rethinking my bias list tbh • Guanlin gonna have to fight >:( • ‘I’m Jisung,’ he introduced properly, offering his hand to shake. ‘How can I assist you?’ • STOP MY HEART FROM FLUTTERING • PLEASE AND THANKS • ‘I’m y/n, and um...what’s the Cloud Forest like?’ you ask randomly, even though you’ve read about it • is that all you could ask? • lol rip • Jisung thinks about it for awhile before bringing his hands together • ‘how about I show you instead?’ • OMG • he wants to spend more time with you • winkie wonkie • ;) • hmmm • you text your parents • because like most Singaporean parents, they’ll probably launch a police report if you’re out of their sight for more than 30 minutes • lol unless they leave you first • you: hi mother I’m going to the Cloud Forest first • the mother: ah can • the mother: with who ah? • oh • uh • how to I explain to my mum that I’m going with this hot manager • who’s gonna guide me around • lowkey shady • but this is Singapore, very very safe one • aiyo but guys please still be careful and wary of people ah • police better be on speed dial • SG Secure is the way • you: with a friend • the mother: who? • you: I bumped into them here • slowly, you shuffle after Jisung • it’s okay, you’re an independent person it’s fine • everyone will see if Jisung tries to kidnap you anyway • or push you off the Cloud Forest bridge • uh • the mother: you’re going with that Jisung guy ah • the mother: don’t play play with your mother • the mother: he’s shuai  [handsome] ok, I’ll be following behind • RUN • you beam at Jisung, looking up from your phone. ‘Let’s go!’ • ok guys this never actually happens so please don’t complain if you go GBTB and then there isn’t anyone like Jisung I’m sorry • Jisung takes you through the corridors, occasionally stopping to talk about the architecture • ‘where are you from?’ you blurt out, unable to keep the question in. ‘wait, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to’ • he shrugs, in fact, he starts smiling. ‘It’s fine. I’m Korean but I’ve lived here for a long time.’ • oPpA sArangHaEyO 😭😫 • ok but no lie, down here got a lot of koreaboos no offence but it’s quite true and it irks me a bit :((( • beaunite is the BIGGEST mess • I’m sorry • if you want to know, drop into our inbox • ‘ahhhh,’ you reply, nodding in understanding • growing up in a multi-racial society, you never had any qualms with having friends of other races • if you live in SG and you have problems with that, please :) move :)) • diversity • diversity is key • yes • Jisung is easy to talk to and you find yourself engaging in quick conversations with him • he’s easy-going • smiles a lot • does his best to talk to you • like • you know, making small comments, giving advice, talking about his own experience • ‘do you know Boost?’ [smoothie shop] • ‘sweetie, let me tell you, that day i Boost, I ordered a strawberry smoothie....’ • ‘LiSTEN, I’m telling you that the best chicken rice was the one Jinyoung da pao [takeaway] yesterday!’ • ‘whICH ONE?’ • ‘I don’t know, I fORGOT.’ • ‘HoW CAN YOU FORGET?’ • and you do the same • cute • this strayed so far from christmas I’m sorry • Cloud Forest is ten times more misting and mysterious than Flower Dome • much more • there’s a waterfall the first thing you enter • you gape at it in amazement • we don’t actually have natural waterfalls or rock formations here so things like these are pretty foreign and cool • the stone pathway around the display is all splashed with water • and you nearly slip • thankfully, Jisung reached out and grabbed your arm, guiding you to the least slippery part of the path • by the way, your arm is freezing because air con air con and more air con all day • it’s at least 10 degrees colder than the outside air • rip electricity bill :”) • he winces, wondering how you survived the cold all along • brace yourself for a cliché • CLICHÉ ALERT • Jisung takes off his jacket, and shyly hands it to you • ‘you’re absolutely freezing, take my jacket for now.’ • ‘oh no I can’t,’ you refuse • we have this very Singaporean thing where we refuse things we actually really want • and it kind of goes like a push-pull • until the person finally gives into the others pushing • ‘take it!’ • ‘I can’t, then you’ll be cold.’ • ‘it’s fine. wear it.’ • ‘....y-you sure?’ • ‘yes. wear it or you’ll become an icicle’ • see • ‘c’mon,’ Jisung says, taking your now covered arm. ‘Let’s go.’ • he seems to be saying that a lot • ADVENTURE TIME • adventure time with a cute guy • ;) • and your parents trailing behind • you could feel their eyes on you • watching your every move • l👀k out • this time, Jisung spends more time talking to you than actually explaining and introducing species of plants • unless it’s an absolute must to know what kind of fern that is • or which flower can be found where • but mostly its just • ‘hmm, I feel like the nasi goreng [fried rice] at Ang Mo Kio is the best..’ Jisung comments, falling into step with you • ‘huh? no lah, where got? The one in Serangoon Gardens is better lah.’ you shoot back, defending your favourite hawker • Jisung sighs and ‘tsks’. ‘No way, I’ll jio [treat you to a meal/outing] you one day and you’ll see.’ • did he just • ASK ME OUT? • WHAT • sure it isn’t ‘let’s apply for HDB’ [marriage proposal] • it’s so great that Jisung knows all the slang and is fluent in Singlish as well • husband • inbox if you want an explanation for all this slang :) it’s quite confusing sometimes • I kind of need Wanna One and Singlish because both are messes and it will be the best mess to ever exist • ‘moving on, this is an orchid that’s native to South Africa and....’ • no you suddenly can’t move on • MOVING ON GET A GRIP • even at lunch at a classy cafe, with Jisung gone, he can’t leave your mind • he said he would see you again after your lunch • somehow • somewhere • if it’s meant to be • ‘aiya, get your head out if the longkang! [drain] Singapore so small one confirm cannot lose people.’ • true • just take the next MRT back out • hi can someone please tell me if MRT stations decorate for Christmas? Thank you • ‘oi, y/n, kuai dian [quickly] makan. [eat] Later we late hor, I blame you.’ • ahhh parents :”) • but you know they’re just playing with you • after lunch, you spot Jisung at The Meadow - another part of GBTB - and wave • he comes running • ‘hi!’ • ‘woah, don’t you have paperwork or something more important to attend to?’ you ask, sort of hoping he doesn’t • you know just how DEMANDING jobs here are • cutthroat society • ‘nothing’s more important than you~’ he winks before bursting into giggles with you • HI NO ONE ACTUALLY SAYS THAT HERE • ‘uh... actually ah my job more important so let’s break up thanks.’ • SUCH ROMANCE • so then right • you two spend the next few hours exploring Gardens By The Bay • with and without your parents following you • Jisung does continue to talk about the gardens in between conversations • your surroundings are so bright and cheery • how were you in a bad mood? • there’s such a stark contrast from Starbucks, laptops and writing essays • cramming at work • cramming after work • the aroma of black coffee • or tea • working in general • so refreshing • so energising • so incredibly burning hot • btw, you returned Jisung’s jacket already which he had abandoned in his office • Jisung also doesn’t mind taking aesthetic pictures of you and the scenery • there’s also a couple of selfies of him on your phone • you find out he’s a bit gullible when you trick him into thinking that there was a dead pigeon on the park bench • he almost called animal patrol to remove it • it flew away unharmed • you can see why Jisung thrives in this environment • he’s so good-natured - pun intended - concerned, sweeter than a flower and more elegant than a swan • what a 12/10 day • then, nightfall comes • he escorts you to view the light display • Christmas Wonderland you think • but it’s already dreamland having Jisung as a new friend • from tour guide to friend • glo up • well done • took a huge WIN • never happens irl :( ^ • the light displays built finally illuminate • a smile ignites your face as you gaze at the structure, completely taken in • ‘impressive, isn’t it?’ Even though he views this every night, Jisung still takes a moment to admire the lights • your mother is secretly snapping pictures of you from behind y’all • ‘very,’ you breathe out, unable to comprehend Jisung’s [delete] it’s beauty • ‘this is crazy gorgeous.’ • the lights make you feel all warm and fuzzy, maybe as cool as royalty • there are sparkles and specks of glitter in your eyes, that’s how amazed you are • ‘thanks for spending the entire day with me, even though you didn’t have to,’ you tell Jisung sincerely. • ‘it was my pleasure. you’re good company.’ • did he go back to his professional, working self already? • your face falls slightly but you try not to let it show too much and nod • ‘I hope there will be more adventures like this,’ he adds. ‘Let’s keep in contact.’ • WHAT • OH GOODNESS WHAT’S HAPPENING • HUH • yOU HAVE ONE NEW CONTACT • you try to keep your cool even though internally, your heart has never thudded so quickly and you have never been this excited yet nervous • ‘so, where should we venture to next?’ • Jisung pretends to be deep in thought, pulling a face that shows he was pondering hard and making calculated decisions in his head • ‘how about National Gallery? or we can go see whose nasi goreng is better?’ • it sounds so appealing you can’t wait • the plans are already starting to form • you can’t bring home any flowers from here • but now, you’ve got one • nodding your head and offering up your pinky for Jisung to lock, you say, ‘Deal.’

#Admin L #wanna one #wanna one scenarios #produce 101 #produce 101 scenarios #yoon jisung #ha sungwoon #hwang minhyun #ong seongwoo #kang daniel #kim jaewhan #park jihoon #park woojin #bae jinyoung #lai guanlin #lee daehwi

[octannibal-blake]

Congrats on the milestone!!!!! ⭐️ + ☀️ together (imma let you guess which couple 😉)

gahhhh thank you so much you wonderful tropical fish! find your gifts below. also…together?! i am emotion! p.s your fic is actually 500 words because i’m trash. also, the song referenced is we’re together again by the beach boys

url: not my style | okay | good | great | amazing | BELLAMY BLAKE

icon: not my style | okay | good | great | amazing l RAVEN REYES

theme: not my style | okay | good | great | amazing | CLARKE GRIFFIN

posts: not my style | okay | good | great | amazing | MONTY GREEN

following: no, sorry | yes | i am now | YOU ARE MY PEOPLE

comments: omg kate! i love your blog and have forever…i believe you may have been one of the first blarkes i followed on this site! anyone who loves and appreciate bellamy blake / bob morley is fam. 😘

Oh darlin’, we’re together again

“Clarke!”

This isn’t the first time he wakes in a cold sweat, calling her name into the dead of the night. The nightmare is always the same. They’re on the ground and he can hear the roar of the fire storm, the apocalypse racing towards them. Every time, he’s with her as it consumes her small body and she yells his name like a prayer. Every time, he can’t get to her. Something is always holding him back. And every. Single. Time. He watches her burn, the way her skin blisters and she falls with a whimper, her scream lost in her throat.

He sits up sharply and the furs fall from his bare chest, where beads of sweat have begun to pool. His chest heaves as he tries to gather himself, closing his eyes and willing his visions of her to leave. It’s not how he wants to remember her, burnt cheeks and glazed over eyes. That’s not how he wants to see her.

He feels a small hand graze his back and he jumps quickly at the contact.

“Bellamy,” the voice is soft. It feels familiar, “It’s me.”

Her voice registers, the tender way she says his name, the feel of her hand on his back working the tension out professionally. She’s done this so many times now. Hundreds. Ever since they returned to Earth three years ago to find her alive and thriving. Just like Clarke Griffin would.

“Clarke,” his voice is thick with emotion, like he’s relearning that she’s right here in front of him again. She isn’t dead. She isn’t dying. She’s here.

She pulls him against her, placing his head on her chest so he can listen to the slow beat of her heart. He closes his eyes and breathes with her. She runs her fingers through his hair, only now growing back after Madi caught it on fire with one of her and Raven’s science experiments.  This is his present. This isn’t the past.

“I’m here,” she whispers to him, her lips grazing the top of his forehead.

“I didn’t ever want you to go,” she begins to sing sweetly, the song she learned during her solitude flowing easily from her lips. It’s his favorite sound in the whole world, “Darlin’, I can’t help but let the whole world know…”

He relaxes into her and the words come easily, “That we’re together again.”

They fall back into the bed together and he secures her in his arms, focusing on the feel of her there with him. She buries her head into the crook of his neck and he feels her lips once more on his shoulder.

“We’re together, again,” she echoes.

want one?

#liz answers #liz celebrates #bellarke #bellarke fanfiction #blog rates

[fandom-susceptible]

Batfam Crossover I desperately need, Part 2

Followup to my earlier post, this time about Wolverine's crew with the Batfam.

Let's recap.

Batfam: The Batler, Alfred Thaddeus Crane Pennyworth Batman, Bruce Wayne Batwoman, Kate Kane Catwoman, Selina Kyle(-Wayne) Nightwing, Dick Grayson Batgirl/Oracle, Barbara Gordon (Grayson) Red Hood, Jason Todd Black Bat, Cassandra Cain Batgirl, Stephanie can't remember her last name right now Red Robin, Tim Drake Catgirl, Kitrina Falcone, the daughter of a mob boss who ran away, was adopted by Selina, and decided to fight crime Mar'i Grayson Robin/Red Bird, Damian Wayne These characters are all so popular I don't really feel the need to explain them.

Wolverine's family Wolverine, James Howlett/Logan/Jimmy/Jimmy Logan/dozens of other aliases but usually just Logan Sabretooth, Victor Creed, his brother who is sometimes a villain but God help you if you lay a finger on his baby brother Wildchild/Wildheart, Kyle Gibney, Victor's son who Logan ended up raising because Victor got a badly timed case of amnesia Dark Wolverine, Daken Akihiro, Logan's son who was kidnapped and raised by a mortal enemy to believe Logan killed his mother and abandoned him - but later learned the truth from Professor X and reached an uneasy peace with his father Rogue, Anna Marie Darkholme, the mutant girl that drains from anyone she touches, who Logan summarily adopted when she ran away from Mystique and Destiny Shadowcat, Katharine "Kitty" Pryde, who phases through things and is another girl Logan randomly adopted even though her parents are loving and alive X-23, Laura Kinney, Logan's female clone who he adopted as a daughter when she escaped from Weapon X almost exactly the way he did (she managed to avoid the massive explosions) Logan's also been implied to be related to about ten other people, but they're literally all some of the worst villains of Marvel (and want to kill him) or dead, so they're irrelevant here.

I want these two families to meet.  Because Logan and Bruce are both those guys who say "I work alone" only to join pretty much every team in their franchise and have the biggest families of said franchise. They don't even have to know each other's identities, though the feral family (that's what I'm calling Logan's) is honestly terrible at keeping theirs a secret.  They're unreliable about masks.  I guess they don't need to be too careful when they all share a healing factor. (or they would if Daken would get off his fucking drugs that are making his work so hard it's practically useless when he's injured) Just Bruce and Logan being the overworked dads.  Victor and Selina being the amoral cats that screw with them every chance they get but never seem to cause any real damage. (Screw movie Victor okay) Logan and Victor and even Daken bonding with Alfred talking about the old days, because as young as they look, Daken's probably only about fifteen or twenty years younger than Alfred.  And Logan and Victor are a century or more older than he is - they'd make Alfred feel young for once.  Wildheart being awkward and sweet because he's still recovering from losing his mind to Shaman, and Stephanie, Dick, and Babs automatically taking him in.  They see him as a cinnamon roll who must be protected and then they see him fight and kill more fiercely than Jason or Damian ever have and they realize how damaged this whole feral family really is.    Rogue hitting it off with Cass and Jason because they're all quiet ones who would really rather just read than try to socialize.  Kitty and Steph instant BFFs!  The batfam is annoyed by Steph accidentally picking up Kitty's valley girl dialect.  Nightcrawler, Rogue's brother through Mystique, and Kitty's boyfriend, showing up and being instant acrobat buddies with Dick. "OMG YOU WERE IN HALEY'S?" "OMG YOU WERE WITH THE GERMAN TROUPE?!" Nightcrawler and the ferals thriving in a city where their bizarre feral looks barely get them a second glance.  Laura and Damian actually getting along, Laura forcing Superman to get his head out of his ass about Conner because "If my fucking international mass murderer of a father could adopt me why can't the American farm boy step the fuck up?" Damian just likes her because she has zero respect for adults.  Laura and Kitrina getting along because they're both determined and angry, and maybe Kitrina teaches Laura how to be a little less bitter.     The batfam find themselves in the position of being the less damaged for once.  These people were twisted and torn apart and thrown back together and they find pleasure in the kill, even the good guys of the feral family don't deny they find a thrill in playing with a baddie before tearing them apart with their hands, claws, even fangs.  (to be fair, Kitty, Rogue, and Nightcrawler aren't among these individuals.  Rogue's got a guilt complex and Nightcrawler is messed up because he's Catholic and found out he's half demon, half freak of nature, but they aren't as bad as Logan's actual blood relatives.  Kitty's the only truly stable one in the family.) And just, the feral family and their adopted members end up staying in Gotham for a while.  And maybe Victor's accidental friendship with Alfred leads him to start patching up his schizophrenia and be able to hold back Sabretooth and just be Logan's brother again.  Maybe seeing Bruce with his kids helps Logan to chill with his own.  Maybe Laura learns how to let go of the past, thanks to Kitrina.  Maybe watching Damian, who grew up in an almost identical world as himself, accept his estranged father and even honor him, helps Daken to come to terms with Logan.  Maybe the batfam actually helps them heal.

Gaaah I don't know it's 3 am and I have a lot of feelings about these families and I need them to meet.

#I don't know #I want to read this #But I'm afraid no one else would do it right #No offense guys I just have a weird interpretation of the ferals #I need this #But I'm tired and drained #I can't write this right now #Send me an ask if you want to? #Maybe we can collaborate a little #Idk man I just have feelings right now #I need to stop tagging #and go to sleep

[kaitymccoy123]

Lost Days

The above art was made my the lovely @wonders-of-the-enterprise - thanks for this beautiful artwork.  

Intro: This monster of a series was requested by @missmle712 and I thank them indefinitely for the opportunity to write something like this.  Thank you. 

SO I am not going to tag anyone else in this fic, this is just for me to have the whole story in one place and I don’t expect anyone to read the whole thing in one shot (please don’t) so here are the parts separately:

Intro Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

Pairing: Jim x reader

Word Count: 18,276 (I think I am hyperventilating pls don’t read it all in one sitting omg I am so sorry for the length of this)

Summary: So the premise for this story, without giving too much away, is that Jim and the reader had a previous, long term relationship, and they were very much in love.  Then there was an accident and the reader dies, or so everyone thinks.  In reality they live and are stranded on a planet for three years without any memory of Jim or their previous life.  When one day, they are sent on an away mission, they run into a familiar set of blue eyes and blonde hair.  Will they remember Jim?  Can things go back to normal?  Will those lost days be found again?

ALSO: I literally just copied and pasted each part into this post and have not read it through from beginning to end so if the transitions are weird or if there is anything wrong just ignore it as I didn’t write the whole thing before I posted it.  I wrote it in separate parts and posted them when I finished them.  SO be gentle. 

-Enjoy!-

Jim:

It hurt at first, being separated from you.  It hurt like someone had taken a knife to my chest and twisted it, over and over again.  It was the worst pain I had ever felt in my entire life, and in those first few, early months I wished you back to me a million times.  I beat myself up, destroyed myself, lost myself because I lost you.  

But the sting faded.  The sharpness faded.  But never the pain.  It was constantly there, like and old rusted wound and I just couldn’t shake it. Everyone kept telling me that the pain would lessen, and time would heal the wound.  But it never did.  And for the first year I couldn’t bring myself to believe you were dead.  That I had lost you.  

But I had duties, and I had to move on.  They told me that too.  Move on.  So I did.  And Eve was wonderful, only a distraction at first, but time changed that too.  I could even say that I loved her.  But not like you.  Never like you.  There was a hole in my chest that was patent and gaping and I tried to keep myself afloat, filling the hole with anything I could get my hands on.  First it was alcohol, but after I ended up in the hospital the first time, I couldn’t bear to scare Bones like that again.  Then it was work.  I dove in head first, going days without sleep, forgetting to eat or drink anything until Spock basically forced me off the Bridge.  Then it was Eve.  She was like a light at the end of the tunnel, there for me in a way that no one else could be.  And it was good.  But it scared me, because as I move back into myself I moved farther away from you.    

I miss you, sweetheart.  Every time I think about you I am reminded of how I failed you, how I let you go, how it should have been me instead.  Over the years there have been so many things that I wish I could have told you.  Wish I could have shared with you, my darling, my sun.  Sometimes I can’t sleep because I dream of you dying.  Sometime all I want to do is sleep because I dream of you in my arms again.  It is torture being without you.  

I can’t fathom how many moments we have lost.  How many firsts, lasts, and in between’s we will never get.  I am sorry, beautiful, for all the lost years, lost days, lost moments that we will never get back.  I wish I could make it up to you.  

But I will see you in my dreams, my love, and I will never forget you.  And if you could, if there was any possible way in the entire world; come back to me. Come find me, and we can make up these lost days.  

You were finally free.  You zoomed through the sky, your spirits high and a smile on your face as the ground disappeared below you and you sped into to the atmosphere, soon to be enveloped in the looming blackness of space.  

Stars streamed past as you flew by, and you settled into your seat, relaxing as you journeyed through the universe.  Pressing your forehead against the cool glass of the interior window of the shuttle you thought of how much convincing it took to get your village leader to let you go on a supply run on your own.  It had been debated heavily but you convinced them of your readiness, and they had finally agreed.  Headed to the planet of Yorktown, you were to retrieve some medications that your planet needed, and return promptly.    

After a few hours of endless obsidian spotted with specs of bright stars and glimpses of foreign planets that you couldn’t help want to explore, the glass snow-globe of a planet appeared in front of you.  You pressed your hands to your bouncing knees to try to settle them, but you couldn’t quiet the excitement that burned inside of you.  

You loved your planet, and the small colony you lived in, and you worked under the medic for three years, taking care of the inhabitants, helping them thrive. The planet was covered in stone-scapes and sand and intolerable heat, and you were ready to have solid cement streets under your feet and grass, real grass!    

As you approached the docking port, a com came through on your system. They asked for your information and you gave what you had gotten from your planet, and you were soon granted access.  

When you finally landed you almost leaped from the shuttle and smiled at the fresh, non-sandy air and soft breeze, it felt so damn good on your skin. You handed your papers to the attendant and went on your way.  You were to spend 2 nights in Yorktown, as the medication was not to be ready until tomorrow, and even though it was not a far distance from your planet, they allowed you to stay out the extra night.  

The crowds of people on the streets quickly swallowed you up but you didn’t mind.  You practically skipped along, taking in all the different alien species, and even seeing humans among them, such as yourself.  You smiled at everyone, and though they didn’t always smile back you were just happy to see faces other than the aliens that came from your planet.  You saw small children running around the streets, being followed closely by their concerned mothers, you saw couples holding hands and people embracing in greeting, it was wonderful.  

You found your hotel with a little help from a passing security guard and checked in, throwing your overnight bags onto the ground and flopping onto the bed.  Rolling over you stared out the floor-to-ceiling windows at the far end of the room, looking out to the bright and shining city, the feeling of hope and promise washing over you.  

You put on some clean clothes, ran a brush through your hair, and head out to explore the city.  You spent the day exploring, going to museums, walking around the small artificially created lakes and pools, and you even browsed in the little shops that each street seemed to be lined with, though you weren’t given any spending money.  

In the late afternoon you found yourself in a small coffee shop that you thought looked so cute from the outside.  You ordered a hot chocolate and the barista topped it with whipped cream and little red sprinkle hearts.  You sat on a small table by the window and gazed at the people walking past.  

So many people.  On your planet, there were only 57 people in the colony you lived in, and everyone knew everyone. The endless swarms of unfamiliar and strange people was very exciting and nerve-wracking to think about, how easily you get lost in the crowd, how nameless and faceless you were.

The bell on the door sounded, bringing you out of your trance and watched as a few people went out, chatting loudly, and a couple walked in.  They were both human, the woman walking in front of the man who held the door open for her.  She was wearing a business jacket and a pencil skirt that accentuated her perfect hourglass figure, and had her dark brown, almost red hair pulled back in a tight pony-tail which made her look very stern and intimidating.   But it was the man who caught your attention.  He had dirty blonde hair that swooped up over his forehead and an endearing smile as he looked at the stern woman, the love behind his gaze making your heart warm.  He moved his hand and brushed her ponytail over her shoulder, speaking to her softly, and she gave him a small smile, which was what he was looking for.  

And as he reveled in his small victory his eyes flitted over his lover’s shoulder and found your watchful gaze.  You met his blue eyes for a second, but quickly looked away before he could notice your stares, trying to hide the fact that you had just witnessed an intimate moment. You felt a touch embarrassed, but there was something else in your veins.  A tinge of warmth, a zing of soft electricity.  A feeling you couldn’t quite place.  

You looked back to the couple tentatively, and found the man’s eyes on you still, his crystal blue eyes pouring into yours as he waited for their drinks.  You meant to look away but found yourself locked to his gaze, his face a myriad of emotions, a million different ones all at the same time and it took you aback. Finally he was forced to look away as the barista handed him their drinks, and the couple moved to a table across the small cafe.  

You couldn’t help but look over to them, the woman was talking to the man now, telling him a story and you almost jumped when his eyes met yours again.  You looked away, staring into your almost-finished drink and you couldn’t help but feel guilty as his attention was still focused on you.

Blushing furiously, you tried to keep people-watching out the window, but his incessant gaze was beginning to make you nervous, your hands beginning to shake around your mug.  You quickly finished off your drink and stood, collecting your small bag, and headed towards the door.

You reached the door at the same time as another figure who lunged forward and swung the door open for you.  When you looked up to thank them your heart dropped into your stomach.  It was the blue eyed man again, this time only a foot away, the details of his face coming into focus.  Smooth, shaven skin, a strong jawline, full lips that were pressed into a straight line, and those eyes.  They were even more stunning up close, more of an azure than a blue.

You gulped and shook yourself out of your trance, “Thank you.” You breathed.

“No problem.” The man said, not smiling at you, still studying you the way he did from across the cafe.  

You skirted through the open door and out onto the busy streets, quickly getting swept up by the crowds, only throwing a glance back once you were a few stores down.  You searched for his blonde hair, his brown leather jacket, those blue eyes, but to no avail.  

You couldn’t find them.

Jim

When I saw you in that cafe, my heart stopped.  Time stopped.  It couldn’t be. And then your eyes met mine and my world did a 180 degree flip.  It turned upside down.  

You looked away quickly, as if embarrassed to catch my gaze but I couldn’t help staring at you.  I was awoken from my trance with Eve’s hand on my arm and the barista handing us our drinks and we sat at a table at the other end of the cafe.  Eve dove into a story about her day at work and I only felt a little guilty as my eyes roamed to you again.  This time your eyes were already on me when I glanced over.

A million volts of electricity skimmed down my spine.  It couldn’t be you.  Eve’s hand on my arm brought me back to reality and I broke our stare, looking over to my girlfriend, her mouth forming the words, “are you alright, Jim?” I gave her a million dollar smile and assured her I was, and prompted her to continue her story.  I watched you for a few more moments before you began to pack up your things to leave.  

My heart pounded in my chest at the thought of you leaving and before I knew what I was doing I was reaching for the door, holding it open for you. I caught a whiff of your scent and a flash of doubt went through my mind.  You smelled like sand and sun and heat.  That wasn’t right.  You always smelled of vanilla and salt and your favourite hand cream.  How could this be you?  There was no way.  

My heart began to sink in my chest until you looked up at me.  There was no mistaking it.  It was you.  Your hair was cut a little different and your skin was a little more tan, but it was you.  I noticed a small scar on the top of your cheek that had not been there before and I had to restrain myself from reaching up and wiping it away, like it was a smudge of dirt. You thanked me and I somehow got a “no problem” passed my lips and then you were gone.  My heart was walking away from me again.

I watched you weave into the crowd for a moment before Eve caught up with me, our drinks now in to-go cups.  She questioned me on my sudden departure so I slung my arm around her waist, hoping to mollify any questions.

Then I saw it.  A little speck of silver on the ground, unnoticeable to the crowds streaming past, but I would know it anywhere.  I broke away from Eve and walked over to it.  A little silver heart on a silver chain.  My breath caught in my throat.  It was the locket I gave you for Christmas one year.  

It was sitting there like a beacon, like a homing signal and I scooped it up.  The metal was cool against my palm and I could almost hear your voice saying “Come find me, Jay."

A memory flashed through my head as I stood there, of me chasing you around a children’s park, you screaming "Come find me, Jay. Find me!” I smiled at the fond memory, of the nickname you had used since the first day you met me, and looked down at the small pendant, knowing that it was not a coincidence that you dropped it. It called to me:

“Come find me, Jay.”

Come find me.

You stepped out into the busy streets again in the morning, your mind wandering to a certain pair of blue eyes and blonde hair.  You had dreamed fitfully all night about him, recalling a strange amount of detail even though you had only seen him for the first time yesterday. The way he studied you in that cafe, the soft curve of his lips, the angle of his jaw.  You tried to shake the images out of your head as you sipped your coffee and strolled to the place where you were to pick up the medication.  

You reached your destination, but it was not what you expected.  The directions took you into a small, dirty alley behind a flower shop and you now stood in front of a large door that didn’t seem to have any door knobs or handles.

You knocked on the rust-covered door three times, a sudden chill rushing down your spine.  

You began to think that no one is going to answer and you would be left out here in the alley alone, but finally the door creaks open.

“What do you want?” A gruff voice sounds from the other side of the door.

“Oh!” You scramble for your papers and present them to him, “I have a requisition order from my planet for a few…”

He snatches the papers from you and slams the door shut.  You look around incredulously, confused at his actions.  You wait a moment before you raise your hand to knock again, but before you get the chance the door swings open, hitting your outstretched fist and sending you wheeling backwards.

A different man steps out of the door, this one extremely tall and slender, dressed in an immaculately cut suit.  His dark eyes bore holes in your soul.  

“Where did you get these papers?” The giant’s voice was deep and if his plan was to intimidate you, it was working.  

You swallowed back fear and you composed yourself, “I…I… my village leader gave them to me.”

His gaze down your body and up again and you suddenly felt very exposed, “Hmmmm…"

You stood your ground, pulling your chest up and clutching your hands into fists at your side, "All I am asking is for the medications that are on that requisition letter and I will be on my way.  Please.”

His solemn face stretched impossibly into a smile, sending chills down your spine.

“Little girl, I do not think you know with whom you are dealing with.” He grabbed your arm suddenly, his giant hand encircling your bicep with ease, “Now I don’t know anything about your medications, but I do have a requisition for something as well.  And I intend to fulfill it.”

That was the last straw.  You screamed at the top of your lungs and struck his arm as hard as you could, but he was too strong, to large.  He loomed over you with that creepy smile and you screamed again, suddenly becoming dead weight to see if you could get him to drop you. Terror flooded your veins as he dragged you up with ease, still only with his grasp on your arm, so you were dangling by your shoulder joint.  Now you yelped in pain and kicked out at him, trying in vain to connect with anything solid.  

He turned around, pulling you with him and suddenly there was a flash of green and you dropped to hard ground, rolling quickly out of the giant’s grasp. You crab-walked backwards a few steps, your breath laboured and ragged, the air stinging your lungs, and you saw the crumpled giant form that was your assailant.  

You looked around, confused, pressing your back to the alley wall and finally your gaze settled on a form that emerged from the shadows.  It was the blonde-haired man from the coffee shop.  The one that you had the dreams about.  He strode quickly over to you, his phaser pointed at the giant.  That must have been what knocked the man out, a phaser beam.  He looked quickly back and forth from you to the giant, as if simultaneously checking to make sure you were alright and that the giant stayed down.  He noticed you staring at the phaser.

“Sometimes when the person is larger, one stun beam doesn’t keep ‘em down.” He glanced again at the giant, seemingly assured that he was staying down, and holstered the phaser, “But that seems to have done the trick.”

His full attention was on you now.  You felt your eyes still wide with fear and your mouth was open in shock at the series of events.  The man kneeled down beside you now, bringing his blue eyes level with yours.  

“Are you alright?” He gestured to your shoulder, “He grabbed you pretty hard.” You managed a nod, but your shoulder was aching terribly.

“Come on, we should get out of here, someone must have heard your screams and probably called the cops.” He nudged you and you stood with his help, still a little wobbly on your feet and you grabbed his arm momentarily for support.

You pulled away, the same feeling that you had felt when you had seen first him in the coffee shop flooding through you again as your skin brushed his.  

“Shouldn’t we report this?” You stuttered, rubbing your arm gently.

“Yeah, but I think it will look pretty bad with me and my phaser and that guy on the ground.  We can report it later, once we take a look at that shoulder.” He explained, pulling you gently down the alley and back to the main street.  

Something in his tone made you wonder if there was another reason why he wasn’t sticking around, but you were more than happy to not have to talk to any cops at the moment, as your nerves were still rattled.  

You followed the man through the streets, quickly getting lost in the crowd, his hand never leaving your elbow, directing you quickly around people and corners.  You grew more and more irritated of his assumption that you would just happily follow him around, this stranger that you had only met today.  

He pulled you into a small office building that held a sign for a doctor’s office on the outside.  Walking straight past the people waiting in the waiting room, you felt kind of guilty but you were no match for the man’s determined pace.  You were directed into a small office, basically shoved in there, the man following close behind, and you were faced with another man, this one with dark hair and brown eyes, and the name tag on the desk said “Dr. Leonard H. McCoy”.

The doctor looked startled at the sudden appearance of people in his office, but when he locked eyes with the blonde-haired man, he let out a groan.

“Jim, what the hell are you doing here?” Dr. McCoy got up from his desk and strode over to the other man, who you assumed was named Jim, looking very stern, “And who is sh…”

The doctor started but cut himself off when he looked at you.  His eyes grew wide and his mouth seemed to be malfunctioning as it opened and closed randomly.  Jim grabbed Dr. McCoy’s arm tightly, and indicated with his head towards the door.  Jim half-dragged Dr. McCoy out the door leaving you standing in the small, non-descript office, alone.

You heard stiffled yelling from the two men outside the door, and only caught every other word that they said.  

“It’s not…” Dr. McCoy argued.  "But just…“ Jim countered. ”…not possible.“ Dr. McCoy stated firmly.

You jumped away from the door as it was opened by Dr. McCoy and the two men reemerged.

"Sorry about that, Jim just likes being very rude most of the time.  I’m Dr. McCoy, but you can call me Leonard.” The handsome doctor extended his hand and you took it, wincing as the movement sent a sharp pain through your shoulder.

“Y/N.” You responded, rubbing at your sore shoulder.  

You heard Jim let out a garbled squeak and met his eyes, his face flush and his mouth open.

“Jim, you don’t look so good, why don’t you take a seat?” Leonard glared at Jim, hard, until Jim backed into the chair and sat down with a thump.

“Listen, doctor, this really isn’t necessary, I better get going and contact my planet to tell them what happened, they’d be expecting communication by now…” You rambled, pulling away from Leonard’s gentle fingers that were examining your shoulder.

“NO!” Jim jumped up from the chair, and seemed to correct his sudden outburst as his next words were more controlled, “I mean, you were just attacked, you may not be safe out there.  You can come stay with me and Eve until we sort all this out.”

“We?” You nearly exploded on him, “Excuse me, but there is no "we” here.  I am eternally grateful that you saved me back there, but this is not your decision to make.  Whatever they want, they are after me, not you.“

Jim started to interject but you cut him off, "Now maybe if you had thought for a second to tell me who you are, and why you followed me into that alley, maybe then I would trust you a little more.  But you didn’t even work up the decency to tell me your name before you whisked me off 'oh-so-herocially’ to wherever the hell we are.  Now, Jim who-ever-you-are, I am going now and if you try to follow me I will call the cops.”

The room had gone silent, and Leonard just looked back and forth between the two of you.

“I thought…"Jim stuttered.

"You thought wrong.” You spat as you swung the door open and stalked out of the office.

Jim:

Bones didn’t believe me.

“It’s her.” I assured, desperately wanting my best friend to understand.

Bones closed the door to his office as we stepped into the hallway, leaving you inside, and strode up to me, glaring.

“It can’t be, Jim, you know that.” Bones argued.

“But don’t you see her?  Who else could it be?”

“Literally anybody else.” Bones hissed, trying to get you to come to your senses, “It’s. Not. Her.”

I couldn’t believe he would not have my back on this when it was so obviously you standing in that office.

“But just hear me out, Bones.” I snapped and pulled out the locket that I had found on the ground outside the cafe yesterday, “Do you recognize this?”

Bones regarded the locket as if I had pulled a dead rat out of my pocket, like he was disgusted.

“It’s not possible.” Bones grabbed my shoulders, his eyes pleading with mine, “She’s dead, Jim.  I know how much it pains you to accept that, but I’ve seen you move on, you’ve recovered.  Jim, the woman in there is not her.”

I couldn’t bear to look at Bones anymore and I pulled away from his grip, glowering at him and he turned to go back into his office.  

“I thought it was you who said to see hope in the impossible.” I whispered.

Bones gave me a sad look, his hand resting on the doorknob, “That was Spock, you idiot, don’t be so melodramatic.”

And for a moment, as Bones re-entered the office and I was left in the hallway, alone, I doubted myself.  Maybe I was wrong.  You were gone and I had to face that, like I had every other day for the past three years.  But when I walked into that office and saw you again all of that logic shattered.  

It couldn’t be anyone else but you.

Your teeth ached by the time you got back to the hotel because you had been clenching your jaw the entire walk home and you only unfurled your hands from fists when you reached your door and needed to grab your access card. The whole situation had left you furious, confused and frustrated.    

You grumbled to yourself as you reached your door, your aching shoulder doing nothing to help with your irritation.  You tapped your access card to your room door.  

ACCESS DENIED.

You tried again.

ACCESS DENIED.  

Cursing audibly, you slapped your access card 15 more times against the panel next to the door, each time relaying the same message.

ACCESS DENIED.

“FUCK!” You yelled and turned to storm down to the reception at the lobby.

A yellow-green skinned receptionist was waiting at the desk, her large eyes the colour of grape medicine.  

“My access card is not working.” You snapped, feeling bad for how grumpy you were being.

“Can I see it?” The receptionist asked, her voice high and tinkling.

You thrust your card at her, and she tapped a few buttons into the screen before her.

“I am sorry, miss, but your room card was deactivated at the request of a superior.” She blinked at you.

You blinked at her.

“What!?” You stammered, sinking your hand into your hair in frustration.  "I have the room booked for one more night.  Which superiors deactivated it?“

"I do not know which superiors, I simply have a note here stating that you are no longer rooming here with us.”

You groaned loudly, dragging a hand down your face, “Alright, well my stuff is still in there.  I need my bags.”

“I am sorry again, miss, it seems your belongings were requisitioned by the superiors as well.”

“T-they WHAT?!  I need my bags, and I have nowhere else to stay.” You pleaded.

“I am sorry, miss, if you wish to rent another room I would be more than willing to organize that for you.”

“I have no money.” Defeat washed over you and tear pricked your eyes, and you felt the sudden urge to scream at someone, but you knew it wasn’t the receptionist’s fault.  

“I am sorry.  I wish I had more information for you.” The receptionist’s eyes dipped in acknowledgement of your frustration.

“Thank you for your help.” You squeaked, storming away before the tears of frustration started flowing down your cheeks.

Outside the hotel now you pulled out your com.  Your village leader would know how to handle this situation.  You pressed the button and weren’t even surprised when the com didn’t go through.  It was like you were calling a dead line.  Just fuzz.  Your com was working, but something was wrong with the connection to your planet.

Snapping the com closed, you pressed it against your forehead and sighed. What were you going to do?  A wave of desperation, frustration, and hopelessness washed over you and suddenly you felt exhausted.  You couldn’t get in contact with your planet.  You couldn’t go back to your shuttle, as you needed the access card that was in your bag to do that.  And you had nowhere to go.  

Or maybe you did.  

Using the map on your PADD you re-traced your steps back to the doctor’s office.  It was near closing when you stepped in and got a few angry looks from some nurses, but you ignored them and pushed past to the doctor’s office. You knocked a few times on the door hearing a soft “come in” before pushing the door open.  

Leonard looked up from his desk and his eyes widened when he saw you.  

“Y/N.” He stood up abruptly and walked over to you, “are you alright, is your shoulder bothering you?”

“It’s fine.” You pursed your lips, “I need a favour, actually.”

“Oh.” Leonard’s mouth formed a little ‘o’, “What do you need, darlin’?”

The term of endearment combined with the soft concern that lined his features made you break down into tears.  You pinched the bridge of your nose but couldn’t control the sob that escaped you.  

“I’m sorry.” You sobbed, trying to regain control so you could explain yourself.

“It’s alright, you’ve had a rough day.” Leonard neared you, wrapping you up in a big hug and you leaned into his solid form.

After a few moments you felt yourself relax and you pulled away.

“Thank you.” You blubbered and took the kleenex that Leonard handed you.

“No worries, darlin’, now what can I help you with?"

You gave him a weak smile and blew your nose, "Ummm… I just got kicked out of my hotel room with no money, no change of clothes, and no connection to my planet.  And I was thinking about Jim’s offer from before, he seemed very nice, even though I screamed at him, and I was hoping you could give me his contact information.”

Leonard looked at you as if you had asked him to give you a colonoscopy. Quickly his face changed, as if he was trying to act nonchalant, “Of course I can.”

“Thank you.” You breathed a sigh of relief and handed him your PADD.  

He quickly tapped the location in, “There ya go, darlin’.”

“Thank you again, Leonard.  For everything.” You leaned in and pressed a kiss to his cheek, taking the PADD from his hands.

His cheeks turned red as you walked towards the door.

“Tell Jay I say hi.” Leonard’s voice was soft and small, as if he was unsure of something.

It was like his words were amplified by a speaker, reverberating suddenly in your head and your vision went white.  You leaned on the door for support but the unsteadiness cleared quickly.

You looked back at him curiously, suddenly sweating, and he gave you a calm, cool gaze as if he just didn’t witness you nearly fall over.

“Oh sorry, it’s a nickname for Jim.  Some people used to call him that.” The doctor explained, his tone neutral.

You nodded at his words, confused, but you decided to ignore it, sliding out the door.

You triple checked the number that Leonard had written down before knocking on the door.  The door opened quickly and a dark haired woman stood in front of you.

“Yes?” She asked, looking down at you.

You had been expecting Jim to answer the door and had practiced your speech over and over on the walk here, but seeing her made your mouth dry up and you forgot how to speak.

“I-I…” You stammered.

“Who is it, babe?” You heard a male voice from the kitchen, the only logical source being Jim.

“I don’t know.  She won’t say anything.” Eve said coolly, her gaze stone cold.

Jim’s head peeked around a corner of the apartment and your heart fluttered nervously in your chest.

“Y/N?” His smile dropped off and he looked positively stunned to see you.

“Hi, Jim.” Suddenly you had your words back, “So I am here because I got kicked out of my hotel room, I have no money, no bags, no way to contact my home planet and I was wondering… well hoping really… that the offer you gave before still stood.  That I could potentially stay with you until I sort everything out?”

You spoke so fast you weren’t sure if either of them understood you.  Jim emerged from around the corner and you were almost speechless again at the sight of him wearing a dark green apron over his clothes.  He must be cooking.

Suddenly the distinct scent of cinnamon rolls wafted through your senses as well as another flash of white clouding your vision, but only for a moment.

“Mhmmm… Are you making cinnamon rolls?” You asked in a daze, the smell making your mouth water.  

Eve glared down at you as if you were crazy and Jim’s jaw almost dropped to the ground.

“Uh.. no, actually it’s pork roast.” Jim explained, “But I do love a good cinnamon roll.”

You smiled at him and then up at Eve, who raised her eyebrow.

“I’m sorry for intruding on your evening but I really have no other place to go.” You said sadly, tears suddenly pricking your eyes again.

“No, of course.  Come in.” Jim responded, gesturing for you to come in and you stepped past Eve’s stern glare and into the wonderfully warm apartment.  

“Thank you.” You said, turning to Jim and Eve.

“Jim, I think you and I need to talk.  Y/N, please, make yourself at home.” Eve stated, but you doubted she meant it, and she quickly grabbed at Jim’s arm and dragged him into another room.

When Jim emerged, several minutes later, he looked shaken.  You had taken to watching the city out the window, letting a few small tears drip down your face in response to the exhausting day you had.  

“Do you need any help with dinner?” You asked, your voice not as confident as you would have liked.

“You’re our guest, Y/N, you don’t have to help.” Jim responded as he tended to the roast in the oven.  You wanted to help.  Needed to do something so you wouldn’t feel as helpless.  

“I just feel so useless, and I have to pay you back somehow.” You rasped, and you felt tears prick your eyes again.

Jim seemed to sense your frustration and turned on a soft smile, “Hey, it’s our pleasure.  Well at least my pleasure.  I don’t think Eve is going to be too fond of sharing her clothes with you.”

Though you knew that Jim was just trying to make you feel better, the fact that Eve might not like you made you feel like an even bigger burden and you drew your eyes to the floor.

“How about after dinner we make cinnamon rolls.  I think we have all the ingredients.  And I’ll even let you lick the bowl after.” Jim joked and the sheer idea of making cinnamon rolls with a man you had just met, already having cried in his apartment and were hated by his girlfriend, made you giggle.  

“Alright.” You responded, bringing your eyes to Jim’s with a smile.

Every second that you looked at Jim made you relax more.  The zing of electricity shot down your spine again, and again you couldn’t place the sensation.  But for some reason, as you moved to sit at on the bar stool on the counter opposite Jim, you felt at home.  

And you really needed home right now.

Jim:

“Babe, I can explain.”

“You better, Jim.” Eve sassed and turned on me, nearly slamming the door behind her.

“I met her today, alright.  She was in a bit of a… sticky situation, and I helped her out of it.” I tried to explain, to reason with Eve.

“So you offered her our home?  What if she’s crazy?  Like an ax murderer or something?” Eve asked, her voice low and harsh.

“She’s not an axe murderer.” I started to feel my blood boiling, “She just need a place to stay tonight, Eve, maybe a change of clothes, a shower and a good bite to eat.  I can take her to the police station tomorrow.”

Eve regarded you for a moment and I felt the hope die in my chest.  I needed you to stay here, just for one night, just to see if you were, well… you.

“Fine.  Just one night.” Eve stepped closer to me, resting her hands on my shoulders, “You are just too kind sometimes, Jim.  It’s one of the things I love about you.”

She leaned in and pressed a kiss to my mouth, but for some reason it didn’t feel right with you on the other side of that door.  She pulled away and turned on her heels, striding into the bathroom, and I knew that I was going to have to make this whole situation up to her somehow.

A memory flashed through my mind now, of you and I making cinnamon rolls. It was our Friday night tradition.  It had started before we even started dating, when one night the fire alarm went off in your room and I went in to find you pouring water over two black lumps that had come out of what looked like a make-shift microwave.  Knowing Scotty, he must have helped you build it.  You had begged me not to report you, as you were only trying to carry on a tradition that you had done at home with your family, and you missed them terribly.  You even started crying.  I said of course I wouldn’t report you, and helped you clean it up, promising next week to help you make proper cinnamon rolls. And the rest was history.  

The sound of the timer on the oven brought me out of my trance and I strode back into the main room, heading for the kitchen.  You stood by the window, looking out at the city, and you seemed so sad, so despondent, that it made me want to wrap you up in a hug and tell you everything is going to be okay.  

You turned to me as I crossed over to the kitchen and I met your eyes, which were red and puffy and tired-looking.  I knew I had to help you, but I didn’t know how.  When you had shown up at the door I felt my entire world center around you, like it was shifting focus all of a sudden, like I couldn’t see anything else but you.  

“Do you need any help with dinner?” Your voice was so raw it grated against my soul.

“You’re our guest, Y/N, you don’t have to help.” I chided, giving you a smile as I pulled the pork roast out of the oven.  

“I just feel so useless, and I have to pay you back somehow.” You pleaded, and I thought for a second you were going to cry again.

“Hey, it’s our pleasure.  Well at least my pleasure.  I don’t think Eve is going to be too fond of sharing her clothes with you.” I joked, trying to get a smile from you, but you only frowned deeper.

As I plated the roast I had an idea, “How about after dinner we make cinnamon rolls.  I think we have all the ingredients.  And I’ll even let you lick the bowl after."

You giggled now and the sound was music to my ears.  

"Alright.” You whispered, smiling over at me.  

I felt this warmth come over me.  Like a blanket, or a batch of warm cookies, or a big hug after a long time separated.  It felt like home.  You felt like home.

And I really needed home right now.

The evening spent with Jim and Eve was actually very pleasant.  You thought it would be full of awkward silences and forced questions, but once you started to make the cinnamon rolls, you actually started laughing and having a good time.  Even stone-cold Eve warmed up to you, and she gave you a tour of the small apartment when you told her how much you admired it.  

It felt so good to be among humans again.  3 years on your planet, treating and dealing with aliens was fun and an interesting learning experience, but you had grown tired of translating everything in your head and dealing with their grumpy nature.  

When exhaustion swept over you, you tucked yourself onto the couch, snuggling under the blankets that they gave you.

“Need anything else?” You heard Jim’s footfalls as he rounded the couch and appeared in your vision.  You shook your head, pulling the blankets up under your chin and looking up at him.  He stuffed his hands in his pockets and nodded, pausing a moment to watch you before he left.

“Oh!  I almost forgot!” Jim approached you, pulling something out of his pockets, “Is this yours?”

You sat up a bit to see the object that he dangled between two fingers.  A little silver heart on a chain.  You reached forward and admired the small charm, a flash of white going through you when the cool metal touched your skin, but you didn’t recognize the necklace.  

“Nope, not mine.” You shrugged, using your thumb to open the small locket, revealing a small picture of a clean-shaven Jim on one side where the other side of the locket was empty.

“Must be Eve’s.” You suggested, turning the locket around to show Jim the picture.

The devastation on his face was distinct as he retracted the pendant, closing it into his palm, I guess you’re right,” he whispered, tucking it into his pocket before he turned to walk away.  

“Goodnight, sweet dreams.” He called as you settled yourself back into the couch and your vision went white for a moment before clearing.  

Before you could get too concerned about what all this white-vision stuff was about, you felt your eyelids grow heavy and you soon found sleep.  

“Damn, it’s raining.  The traffic’s gonna be slow.  Better leave now.” Eve said to Jim and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before grabbing her umbrella and rushing out the door.

“It’s raining?” You asked once the door was closed behind her and you took your mug of coffee and moved towards the window.

It was true.  This morning the rain was pouring down, soaking everything and anything it landed on, and you could see people rushing about, trying to avoid getting soaked.  But the way the light of the streetlights shone on the silvery puddle and the dark grey, almost blue clouds looked beautiful to you.  After years of constant sand and sun, rain was a relief.  

“I’m just gonna hop in the shower, you need anything before I go?” You heard Jim’s voice from across the room but you couldn’t tear your eyes from the beautiful scene in front of you.

You shook your head, watching a small child in bright yellow rainboots jump into a puddle, splashing a not-so-ecstatic parent with the murky water.  The child laughed and jumped again, and you couldn’t help but smile.  

You heard Jim turn on the shower and you couldn’t help it anymore.  You needed to feel the drops on your skin.  You remembered that Eve had said something about a rooftop and a stairway to get there and you only had to search for a few minutes before you found the door.  You climbed the cement stairs, your heart racing in anticipation of the feeling of the rain on your skin, the taste of it on your lips and the way it would run through your hair.

You swung the door at the top of the stairs open and stepped out onto the small terrace, breathless as you took in the view.  The city was spread out in front of you, the short glass railing allowing for perfect viewing of the cityscape, and you admired its vastness and intricacy.   The city was twisted and stretched above you and around you, the topsy-turvy architecture that was Yorktown combined with the dark sky was breathtaking.  The clouds were shades of greys and blues that you had never seen before.  The poured rain down in sheets, the sound of the droplets hitting the terrace was deafening.

Taking a tentative step forward, the pyjamas you borrowed getting instantly soaked, you raised your bare arm into the rain, the sensation on your skin exhilarating.  You ran forward onto the middle of the terrace now, the rain hitting you full on, soaking you from head to toe. A squeal of delight escaped you and you raised your face to the sky, the cool water sliding down your face, down your neck in refreshing streams, your clothes and hair instantly sticking to your skin.

Time itself seemed to stop as you stood there, the thrill of finally feeling rain on your skin after all this time making your heart flutter and your mouth stretch into a smile.

Jim:

I panicked only for a moment when I came out of the shower and you weren’t there.  My heart stopped as I looked around the empty apartment, wondering only for a moment if I imagined that you were here. Then I saw the mug you had been using on the table by the door to the terrace and I knew exactly where you went.  You always loved the rain.

Our first kiss had been in the rain.  After 6 long months on the Enterprise we finally docked for shore leave and I had taken you out to dinner for the first time.  I had expressed my discontent at the rain that started to pelt the window half-way through our meal but you looked at it like it was the best thing in the world.  

I knew then that I wanted nothing more than to have you look at me like that. Like I was a long lost friend, or the first change in colour of a sunset sky, or like I was the only one in the world that you wanted.  When we walked back to the ship for the evening you pulled away from me to stand beneath a streetlight and you began to twirl, your dress getting soaked instantly.  You looked beautiful.  I walked over to you and you pulled me close, my heart drumming under your fingertips tracing my collar but you didn’t seem to notice.  We swayed back and forth, staying frozen in time for endless moments and when you pressed your lips to mine I became yours.  The water slipping between each kiss made you smile and I couldn’t let you go.  Even when you started to shiver from the cold.  I just pulled you closer.  

When I saw you again on the terrace it all came back to me.  I stayed out of your view for a moment, just admiring the exact same way you had your head tilted back, the way the water slid down your neck and fell from your fingertips. And once again I was breathless. Once again you had encapsulated me.  And it nearly broke me apart knowing I couldn’t have you.  

“Enjoying yourself?”

The sudden voice made you turn, breaking through your trance.  Jim was standing just inside the door so as to not get soaked by the rain.  You hadn’t thought you were outside for that long, but you couldn’t help but smile at the sight of him and you raised your arms up in the air and spun in a circle.

“YES!” You yelled through the roaring rain and you laughed in glee.

Jim yelled something back to you but you couldn’t make it out over the sound of the rain.  You gestured with your hands that you didn’t understand and he looked torn for a moment before he strode out into the rain, walking towards you.  

The certain set to his walk and the gleam in his eye sent a flash of white to your vision again but this time there was something else.  An exact copy of Jim but in different clothes and with a street light above his head rolled over your mind and you nearly stumbled back in confusion.

“I have a meeting to go to right now, but I will be back in an hour and then we can go to the police station, sound good?” Jim’s voice cut through the image of him that was imprinted on your brain and you shook your head, sending rain droplets and the image flying.  

“Uh… Sounds good.” You gasped, trying to get your eyes to refocus again.

“You alright?” Jim’s hand came to rest on your elbow and you flinched away from his touch unintentionally, still trying to stop your mind from spinning.

“Fine!  I’m fine.  Thanks.  See you in an hour.” You rambled, standing about a foot away from him.

He looked like he was going to say something else, but he just closed his mouth, turned on his heel, and left.

When he was gone, you went inside, the rain not feeling as refreshing and nice as it had before so you dried off, changed clothes, and curled up next to the fireplace.  

About 20 minutes later the front door opened and you nearly jumped, not expecting anyone this early, as Jim said he was going to be gone for an hour.  

It was Eve.  

“Oh, hey, Eve.  You scared me.” You laughed, standing and folding the blanket over the back of the couch.

“Sorry, Y/N.  Umm…. where’s Jim?  I thought he was going to take you to the police station?” She inquired, shaking out her umbrella and setting down her bag.

“He said he had a meeting of some sort, would be back in an hour.  Then we were going to go.”

“Oh!  Right!  His meeting.  Well, my boss sent me home because of the weather, what a lazy ass he is.” Eve laughed and you chuckled in return.

There was a few moments of awkward silence as you and Eve just stared at each other, before she spoke, “C'mon.  No use waiting for Jim, I’ll take you to the police station.”

Eve turned to grab her umbrella and reached for the door.  Surprisingly, a sense of disappointment washed over you, as you were hoping to have some one-on-one time with Jim, as you found him amusing and nice to look at.  

“You don’t have to!  It’s your day off, and I don’t mind waiting for Jim.” You conceded, wringing your hands in front of you.

“Nonsense, the faster we go to the police station, the closer we are to getting you home and your bags back.” Eve explained and opened the door.  

You were still dumbfounded at the sudden change in plans and stood frozen.

“C'mon.  It’s not a far walk.” Eve rolled her eyes and stalked out the door.

You quickly followed, not having a coat to wear so you ran after her, the rain quickly soaking your clothes before you caught up and stood under the umbrella with her.  

“I have something to show you first.  Best view in the city.” Eve smiled and squeezed your arm, and you smiled back.  

She lead you to a tall apartment building, and you tried your best to follow Eve’s quickening pace, the building strangely desolate as you rode the elevators up to the 24th floor.  You stepped out, still dripping rain water, into an airy, empty office space, all the furniture slid up against one wall and covered in plastic. Floor-to-ceiling windows lined one wall, and the view of the city was breathtaking.

“Wow.” You exclaimed as you admired the new view, the rain clouds sitting low over the city.  

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” She mused as she moved beside you, her fingertips gently resting on the glass.

You hummed in response, now resting your hand on the cool glass, feeling the repercussions of the rain against the pane.

“Have you ever been in love?” Eve’s voice was loud, echoing around the room.

The question took you aback, and you looked over to her.

“No.  Not real, true love.  Kid love, maybe.  But never true love.” The words felt odd coming out of your mouth for some reason, as if you were lying.

“Hmmm… it’s wonderful, let me tell ya.” Eve mused as she pulled away from the glass to move to across the room, and you followed her, dragging your toes on the dusty floor.

“Jim is a great guy.” You smiled over at her, and when she turned to face you your smile fell, suddenly feeling small even though you were a few feet from her.

“He is, isn’t he?” Eve considered and she thrust her hands in the pockets of her coat.

“You are one lucky girl.” The conversation felt off, forced.

Eve chuckled once, low, the corners of her mouth turning up for a moment before her face turned serious and she looked up at you.

“He loved someone once before me, you know?  Like really loved her.  How am I supposed to live up to that?  True love?” Eve’s rambling was getting frantic now and you started to back away slowly.  

“I think we should just head to the police station before the rain gets worse.” You suggested, trying to deflect the awkward conversation topic.

You turned towards the window, your back now to Eve, and you began walking in the direction of the elevator.

Then, suddenly, the sound of metal clicking against metal.  A sound you had never heard in real life, only in old movies and it sent shivers of fear down your spine.

You turned slowly to face Eve, praying for another source of the sound.

But your suspicions were correct.  You brought your eyes to the object in Eve’s hand and your stomach flipped.  It was a gun.  And old fashion metal pistol.  

And it was pointed straight at you.

“E-Eve?” You stuttered, staring into the barrel of the gun, "What are you doing?“

"I am finishing what I started.” Eve stated, her cool gaze sending shivers down your spine.  

You stood frozen in fear for a moment, unable to do anything but stare at her. Her dark hair contrasted against the grey sky that shone through the window behind her.  Her dark suit jacket and skirt, sharp and fitted, making her look intimidating and fierce.  And the gun in her hand made her deadly.

“Started what?” You questioned, keeping your hands as steady as you could at your sides.  

“Oh right, you can’t remember.” She spat, the gun swinging as she gestured with her hands, making you flinch.  

“Eve.  I don’t know what you are talking about.” You explained, keeping your voice neutral, “Now if you put the gun away, we can talk about whatever you think I did.”

Eve’s mouth stretched into an evil grin, her voice syrupy and stingingly-sweet, “You would like that, wouldn’t you?  But I’m not letting you get away again.  You’re mine.”

You looked at her, dumbfounded.  Unable to form words at the sudden assault. Trying desperately to recall what she was talking about.  The only thing you could bring back to your memory was the sight of freshly-spilled blood.  A man in a blue shirt knelt over a prone form.  Your insistence that he stop his actions, that you get out of there.  The unsafe-ness of the whole situation.

“Haven.” The word slipped off your lips with the faint memories.

Eve smiled at you now, her eye sparkling terrifyingly, “Yes.  The planet you visited.  Where you were to save the inhabitants from a rampage lizard-monster.  Where the lizard-monster had already attacked a young man and his family.  Where you told Dr. McCoy to stop performing CPR on that same man. Where you left him behind in favour of heading back to the Enterprise.”

The images were starting to form in your mind now, the details filling themselves in.  

“I didn’t… The monster…” You searched, trying to remember what happened next.

“The man you left back there.” Eve began, her face losing all emotion,“He died, not in the jaws of the lizard-monster, no, he died because you forced Dr. McCoy to leave him behind.  To take the woman that had not been attacked and go back to the ship.  Even though she begged you to go back for him.  It was you that said no.”

A tear swam down your face now, understanding rushing through you, “It was your fiancé.  The woman we rescued… Oh my god.  That was you.”

Eve started laughing now, low and sinister, and you gawked at her, at this whole crazy situation, at the memory that had just returned to you.  

“Eve.  I am so sorry.” You gasped, your shaking hands now finding your hair, disregarding the gun pointed at you for a moment, “I don’t… I didn’t remember.”

“Of course you didn’t.” Eve spat, “Because it was just another mission for you.  Just another day.  I LOST EVERYTHING THAT DAY!”

The words she screamed echoed against the empty walls and you flinched, your eyes on her shaking finger that hovered around the trigger.  

“I lost everything and you just laughed.  Laughed at my pain.  Laughed as the love of my life bled to death on the floor of his family home.  You got to go home in the evening with your boyfriend.  You hugged him, kissed him and went on with your day.  You were happy.  You made it out alive.  You didn’t care about anyone else.” Eve snarled, bringing you in the sights of the gun again.

You threw your hands up now, trying to recall the events that occurred after the mission, but it was all fuzzy.  Her dark eyes bored into yours and you felt a shiver of fear slide down your spine.  

“Is that why you’re going to kill me?  For revenge?” You croaked, trying to make sense of the situation.

“Oh you silly girl.  That’s why I wanted to kill you the first time.  I was angry, incoherently so, but now I see clearer, now I have a plan.” Eve sneered, stepping closer to you, and fear kept you locked in place.

“Kill me the first time?” The words left your mouth, and you dreaded the answer.  

“Ah, yes.  A few weeks after you murdered my fiancé, I heard talk of you going on another mission.  So I plotted, sneaking into the shuttle bay after hours, tampering with things that I knew nothing about. And then I waited.” Every word felt like a blow to your heart.  

There was a shuttle crash? And you had died? You couldn’t remember anything about either.  

“Y-you tried to kill me?” You sputtered, swallowing down the lump that was forming in your throat.

“Well obviously I didn’t do a good enough job.” Eve rolled her eyes and closed the distance between you and her, pressing the cool metal of the gun under your chin, “I didn’t realize the aliens of the planet you crashed on had such sophisticated medical technology.  So they saved you.  I paid them to keep you on the planet but somehow you got free.  And now you’re here.”

Adrenaline flooded through your veins and tears pressed at your eyes.  Panic was setting in and it was all you could do not to scream or curl up in the fetal position.  Instead you brought your eyes to hers.  

“So why haven’t you shot me yet?” You voiced, trying to keep yourself from showing fear, “if you want revenge so bad, why haven’t you shot me yet?”

Eve gave you a sickeningly evil grin and her eyes flicked to something over your shoulder.  

“Because.  I want him.”

Jim:

I only started to panic when I stepped out onto the streets, having tried calling your com a million times.  I called Eve’s com and she didn’t answer either.  

I searched the crowds for a minute before I received a message.  

Leighner Tower.  24th floor.

There was no sender and I probably should have hesitated, set a plan in place, and I heard Bones’ voice in my head.  To think this through.

But I couldn’t.  It was you.  I couldn’t hesitate.  

Fear and adrenaline rushed through me as I took the what seemed like never-ending elevator ride to the 24th floor.  

As the elevator car shot upwards, the day of your death flashed through my mind.   It was just another day.  Just another away mission and you were so exited to go.  I didn’t even say a proper goodbye.  Just a light kiss and a hug and you were off, smiling and skipping all the way to the shuttle bay.  

If I had known what was going to happen next, how it was going to feel watching your shuttle malfunction, how I screamed at Scotty to fix it, to get you back up, I would have made my goodbye more meaningful.  I would have held you close and whispered how much I loved you, over and over, kissing you softly and deeply so you knew how deep the feelings I had for you ran.  

But I didn’t.  And I have regretted that moment for the past three years.  And now you, being here, seeing you again, it made me think I might get a second chance.  A second chance to tell you how much I love you, to kiss you again.  It killed me how much I wanted that.  

No matter what was at the end of this elevator ride I was getting you back.  I had to.  

But I was not expecting the sight in front of me as the doors slid open, revealing the empty, dusty office space..  

I took in the scene in pieces before I put the whole picture together.  A gun. The fear in your eyes as you turned to look at me.  Eve’s arm coming around your neck.

The gun pressed into your temple.  I couldn’t breathe.

You couldn’t die.

Not again.

Eve’s arm hooked around your neck, making you spin around, your back against her now and you were facing Jim, who stepped off the elevators just as the hard metal of the gun pressed against your temple.

“Eve?” Jim’s tone was garbled, confused, his stance hesitant and unsure.  

“Hello, darling.” Eve sang from behind you as you struggled for air.

“What the hell are you doing?  Let her go.” Jim sounded fierce now, the captain in him revealing itself.

“I can’t do that, Jim.” Eve pushed.

“Why not? What is this?” Jim asked, licking his lips.

“This is the end of my suffering, Jim.” Eve taunted, digging the gun into your skin.

“She did something to my shuttle, Jim, the day I died.  I can’t remember but…” You began but were cut off by Eve’s hold on your neck getting suddenly tighter.

“You don’t get to talk.  You have no power here.” Eve said sharply into your ear and black spots swam into your vision.

"Jim?” You squeaked, unable to get any other words past your lips.  

“It’s okay, Y/N, it’s going to be okay.” Jim assured, but you could see the fear behind his eyes.  

A tear slipped down your cheek, and you pressed your eyes shut as you felt the metal of the gun sliding from your temple down to your chin and back.

“Jim, Jim, Jim.” Eve’s taunting voice in your ear sent chills of fear down your spine, “why do you always lie to everyone?”

Jim looked like he was ready to pounce as you hesitantly re-opened your eyes.

“You’re going to be fine, everything is going to be all happy and cheery and we are going to live happily ever after.… HA.” Eve jeered, her mocking tone cutting into you like a dull knife, and you bit back a shout as the hard barrel of the gun dug into your skin.

“Why are you doing this?” Jim asked desperately and took a tentative step towards you and Eve.

The distinct sound of Eve cocking the pistol sent a new shot of adrenaline coursing through your body, making you gasp and more tears flowed down your face.

“Ah, ah, ah, Jim, stay right where you are or your precious little resurrected girlfriend dies.” Eve threatened.

Girlfriend? You thought to yourself as Jim raised his hands in surrender and took a small step back.

“The man in the alley, that was your doing, wasn’t it?” Jim questioned, and you could tell he was trying to keep this situation under control, to buy time to come up with a plan.

“Very good, James.” Eve cooed.

“And the locket?” Jim asked, his blue eyes flicking between yours and Eve’s.

“I planted it there to make sure you tried to find her again.  I didn’t mean for you to stun one of my guys, but the end result was still the same.” Eve’s words were ice cold daggers.

“My hotel room.  You cancelled it didn’t you?” You rasped, starting to put the puzzle pieces together.

“Not my best work, but I didn’t expect you to turn down Jim’s offer to come stay with us, so I improvised.” Eve purred into your ear.

“Why?  Why all this complicated scheming?  What do you want?” Jim breathed, his eyes desperate and searching.

Eve’s breath brushed past your ear, “It’s plain and simple, really, I want her to feel what I felt that day.  The feeling when I had to leave my heart behind, lying in a puddle of his own blood.”

Ice flowed through your veins, stinging your heart, and you could barely breathe for the pain in your chest.  You searched Jim’s face, begging silently for him to look up at you, but his eyes were focused on the floor, probably trying to remember that day on Haven.

“You killed her.” Jim breathed, his eyes now sliding up and meeting Eve’s, the look on his face fierce and grave as he continued, louder now, “You killed the love of my life, Eve.  I watched her die as I was stuck on the ship, helpless.  I watched my heart crash into the surface of a planet, her shuttle in a million pieces.”

Jim paused, the silence in the room near palpable, and you could only stare at him through your watery vision.  As you listened to his words, his proclamations of love to you, images swum in your vision and you gasped in pain at the sharpness of their trek through your brain.  You couldn’t make sense of anything, but you knew you recognized a certain set of crystal blue eyes in all of the images.

“I trusted you, Eve.  I could even say I loved you.” Jim hissed, his tone so cold and severe that it made the images in your brain disappear, “You took her away from me.” He was starting to panic now, his hands trembling as he ran them through his hair, “Her death tore me apart.  You don’t get to say I don’t understand.  I know exactly what you are feeling because you did the same to me.  You do not get to play God, Eve.”

His words echoed in the empty room, bouncing off the walls and reverberating in your eardrums, giving you the sudden strength to struggle against Eve’s vice-like grip. You clawed at her arm, jabbing your other elbow into her gut, but she had the upper hand.  

“Y/N!” Jim yelled and when you heard him try to run to you, the barrel of the gun suddenly met the back of your head with an astounding amount of force.

You barely had time to cry out before you hit the floor and then the images were back, sharp and unrelenting this time, blotting out your vision.  You saw Jim again, but this time not just in images, but little video clips.  Jim at the beach.  Jim in bed, the blankets tucked around his chin.  Jim wearing nothing but his underwear, cooking eggs.  Jim in his captain’s chair, looking fierce.

“Eve, let her go.” Jim demanded, his voice never wavering.

“I can’t do that, James.“ The gun scraped into the back of your head as she spoke. "You may know my pain, but she doesn’t.”

You pressed your palms into the cool linoleum floor, trying to comprehend everything that was going on.  There was something you were missing, and you knew it.  Memories that you couldn’t quite recall.  Were these images and video clips memories?  They didn’t seem like your memories, they seemed like Jim’s memories.

“Jim.  I can’t remember.  You say you love me but I can’t remember.” You cried out quietly, tears flowing down your cheeks again.

“I know.  It’s okay.  I know.” He responded, his voice breaking slightly.

Suddenly the sound of a gunshot rang out in your ears and you screamed, throwing your arms over your head and pressing your forehead to the floor. The shot had landed about an inch from your head and had left a mark in the linoleum.

"Enough.” Eve called, “Jim, I am sorry I have to do this.”

There was a sudden, smooth movement above your head, and you looked up to see the gun now not pointed at you, but at Jim.

“She needs to know my pain. She needs to know the pain she caused, Jay.” Eve insisted and at her last word the world turned sideways.

The images flew back into your head, the rest of the world falling away quickly, the memories now playing not only as images, but as if you were watching a movie.  

Jim at the beach.  No, you and Jim at the beach, laughing as he scooped you up and dumped you in the saltwater, the sun beating down on the two of you.

Jim in bed, the blankets tucked around his chin that you pulled at because he had stolen all the covers.  He looked so peaceful and innocent in his sleep, but you were freezing.  He resisted for a moment before his eyes peeked open and he wrapped the covers around you, pulling you to his chest.

You, walking into the kitchen wearing Jim’s baggy t-shirt, Jim wearing nothing but his underwear, cooking eggs just the way you like them.  You, wrapping your arms around his stomach from behind, pressing your face into his shoulder blades, pressing kisses there.

There were many more of these sporadic memories, and they all had something in common.  A feeling of overwhelming happiness.  Tears spilled down your cheeks relentlessly as one more memory appeared in your vision, this one not so happy.

Jim in his captain’s chair, looking fierce.  You weren’t with him this time, but rather you seemed to be in your own ship, on a downward trajectory towards the ground.  It must have been what Eve was talking about, the day you died. You weren’t scared, per say, but rather you were sad.  You saw Jim’s face in front of yours, the communication system still intact somehow, and watched as tears streamed down his desperate and vulnerable face.  You couldn’t hear anything in your memory but you saw him mouth the word, ‘no’.  You gave him a weak smile, letting a few tears fall yourself as you stared into the crystal blue eyes.  ‘I love you’ you mouthed back and watched as he let out a yell seconds before you collided with the ground.

You broke abruptly and painfully from the memories and unlocked your arms from around your head to allow yourself room to breathe, pushing frantically at the hairs that fell into your face.  When you got yourself under control you realized that though it had felt like hours that you were watching the memories, it was more like seconds.  Eve was still behind you, gun pointed at Jim, who stood frozen in front of you, watching your agony.

You lifted your head achingly to look at Jim, whose eyes were locked onto yours.  You were seeing him differently, suddenly, as if you remembered and recognized things that had been lost before.  The curve of his mouth and how it felt on yours.  Each plane of his face and how they moved with every different emotion he felt.  The way his hair swooped and where it stuck up, and how if felt to run your fingers through it.  You finally recognized him.

One word rung out in your mind like a bell in a silent church.

“Jay.” The syllable fell from your lips like you had said it a million times, like it was your last breath, or your first, it broke you apart.  

Relief flooded his features and it was like he was falling apart before you, his lips parting as if he had been holding his breath and had just been waiting for this moment to breathe again.

“Y/N.” He called, using your nickname rather than your full name and it was like music to your ears.

Then the gun pressed to the back of your head again.

“So sweet.” Eve taunted, and you suddenly felt yourself being tugged to your feet, standing just in front of Eve, the gun pressed between your shoulder-blades.  "I was hoping using his nickname would trigger your memory.  It’s about time it came back.“

"Why would you care about my memory coming back?” You gulped, wanting nothing more than to run to Jim, be circled in his safe, strong arms.

“Because that was the last piece of my plan.” Eve’s voice was even and deadly.

“What…” You began to ask when you felt the gun leave your back.

You didn’t have time to process what was happening until you heard the gunshot.

You’d thought for a second that you’d been shot.  

And it was only when you saw Jim stagger backwards a few steps, his hand flying to his chest, that you knew you were wrong.  

A flash of red beneath his fingers.  

He sunk to his knees.

No.

“Jim!” You screamed and were surprised to find yourself free to run forward to him, you would have thought Eve would have restrained you.

“No, no, no, no,no .” You cried, quickly kneeling next to Jim, taking his head in your hands.  

“I…” He struggled and you helped lower him to the floor when he swayed towards you.

“Jay, no.” You slid your hands onto his chest, moving his hands to press on the red stain that was ever-spreading.  

The wound was just right of his sternum, and every ragged breath that Jim took made more blood spill out.  Tears streamed down your cheeks now and you looked to Jim’s face, his skin growing ever grey, his eyebrows furrowed in pain, and his mouth opening and closing as he tried to get a good breath.

“I can’t… Y/N… I can’t breathe.” Jim rasped and you leaned closer to his face, his eyes meeting yours, the colour now dull compared to the crystal colour which they usually were.

“I know, Jay, I know.” You cried, leaning in and pressing your cheek to his.  "I know, just try for me.  You have to live.  For me.“

"Alright, that’s enough.” A different voice made your head snap up.  

Eve.  You had forgotten she was even there.  

Suddenly you were being dragged to your feet again, away from Jim, two sets of large hands encircling your biceps easily.  You kicked out, screaming Jim’s name as you were pulled away, your veins full of heat and anger and anguish as you stared down at Jim’s prone form, the blood stain now spreading onto the floor.

“JIM!  NO!  JIM!” You screamed over and over, but the hands on your arms never faltered.  

“Now you know.” You barely registered Eve’s form appearing in front of you.

You gasped for breath as you continued to kick and cry out for Jim.

“Now you know what it is like to have your heart be ripped out in front of you.” Eve’s voice was calm in the raging storm of your emotions, and it only made you more angry.

“LET ME GO!  I NEED TO SAVE HIM!  LET ME GO!” You wailed.

“I’ve had enough.  Drug her so we can throw her in the shuttle.” Eve said, her dark ponytail swishing as she turned and walked to the elevators.  

You barely had time to let Jim’s name leave your lips one more time before the world went black.

You woke up in a world of pain.  Spots shimmered before your eyes as you peeled your head off of the back of the seat you were in.  You swallowed thickly, your tongue feeling impossibly large in your mouth.  Your head slumped forward onto your chest and it took all of your power to lift it again.

You focused all of your energy on making your vision stop being blurry and you finally saw what was in front of you.  

Space.

Endless amounts of black, peppered with white speckled stars.  

Looking around, you realized that you were in a shuttle, a pod of some sort, and you were buckled into the seat.  The interior was small, the glass window in front of you inches from your face, and you were hurtling through space, the control panel below the window blinking away, showing your trajectory and speed.  

Your head flopped forward again and your hands came into your view.  They were red.  Stained red up to your wrists, but with what?  

That’s when the memories of what had just happened hit you.  The red was blood.  Jim’s blood.  Jim lying on the floor of the office, bleeding to death.  You being hauled away. Eve’s cool, indifferent glare on yours.  

Jim.

The memory of his graying skin, the light leaving his eyes made your heart rate jump suddenly and you found yourself heaving for breath.  

Memory after memory flowed over you, new ones that you hadn’t seen before when you were back in the office.  You cried out as they split your brain apart, as everything you had lost came back to you. The amount of love you felt for Jim bored holes in your heart and tore at your insides because you had forgotten.  You had forgotten him.  The man that had your heart.  You had forgotten.

Suddenly the inside of the ship was too small.  The window in front of you was too close to your face. The walls narrowing in on you.  

Panic sank into your veins and you lashed out, beating at the walls and window with your fists, bloodying them, now with your own blood.  Screaming for someone to get you out of here. Screaming for Jim.  Screaming for all you lost.

Your throat was sore and raw when exhaustion finally hit you and you slumped back into your chair, utterly empty.  Your limbs were heavy and hollow, and you couldn’t find the energy to even wipe the blood off your hands.  

The memories still grated against your mind.  Scraped against the back of your eyes, revealing themselves one after another.  They were raw and ragged as they tried to fit themselves into the timeline of the last few years.  

The problem wasn’t that the memories didn’t make sense or that they overwhelmed you, no.

It was that you remembered not remembering.  You remember the emptiness that was your mind over the last three years.  How you knew nothing of Jim. Didn’t try to escape or find him.  You had lost days, months, and years with him.  

Hot tears dripped down your face for these lost moments.  You gulped back sob after sob as grief wracked your body.

At some point you must have fallen asleep, because you had to heave your sticky eyelids open when you heard the fuzz of a com connection.  

“Hello?” A voice suddenly sounded, the connection unsecured and spotty, but it was a connection none-the-less.

You couldn’t get your mouth to move to form words at the sudden surge of hope that exploded within you.

“Anyone there?” The voice on the other end had a distinct accent to it, and sounded vaguely familiar.

“Y-yes, I’m here.” You suddenly heard your own voice, hoarse and ragged from your screaming fit.

“Ah!  There is a connection, I was worried for a moment that we didn’t get it.” The accent was now easily identifiable as Scottish, and you were suddenly able to place the voice.

“Scotty?” You breathed, fresh tears perking on your eyelids.

“Lass, we’ve got you, now just give me a few minutes and we can beam you up- aGH!” Scotty was cut off at the end, and you found a smile on your mouth at the prospect of being rescued.

“Y/N?” A new voice sounded.  Leonard.

“Len?” You called, tears slipping down your face now at the familiar friend.

“I… you remember?  Oh thank god!  I was beginning to think your amnesia wasn’t going to pass.” Leonard sounded relieved from the other side of the com.

A sudden strike of panic laced through you again as you remembered your reason for being on this shuttle, “Jim?  Len, where’s Jim?”

“He’s…” Leonard started but sounded like he was shoved out of the way.

“Lassie, we are locked onto your signal.  Ready to come home?” Scotty’s cheery voice now took over the com.

You let out a shaky breath, “Yeah, Scotty.  Beam me up.”

After a familiar tug at your belly you were suddenly standing on the hard surface of the transporter room.  You looked around nervously, your knees weak after being seated in that cramped shuttle for so long, but somehow you stayed standing.  You were back.  You were home.  

Relief flooded over you and you gasped in jagged and labourous breaths.  

“Glad to have you back with us, Lassie.” You heard a scottish accent drawl, recognizing the voice instantly as Scotty’s and you looked up to see his smiling face appear over the transporter console.  

“Where’s…?” you began to ask when a strikingly familiar voice sounded .

“Y/N?”  The voice belonged to a blue-eyed, blond form that appeared at the foot of the transporter pad.  

“Jay?” You breathed and looked into his eyes, tears now streaming down your face as overwhelming emotion overtook you.

You barely had time to breathe before you were wrapped into his strong arms, Jim squeezing you into a desperate and shaky hug. You wrapped your arms back around him and crushed your face into his chest, soaking his jacket in your tears.  

He was saying your name over and over, one of his hands gripping your waist, the other pressed into the back of your head.  His face was pressed against your temple and you felt your knees give out beneath you, and you sunk to the floor, still wrapped in Jim’s embrace.  

You sobbed into him and you could hear him crying too, out of relief and sadness and finally being safe.  

Only when you began trembling violently and leaning into Jim more did you feel him falter beneath you.  You brought your head up to look at him but were caught with a stabbing dizziness, probably from all the blows to your head.  Jim tried to support you but you heard him hiss in pain.  

Suddenly another set of hands pulled you from behind, “Jim, I can take her from here, she needs to go to the medbay.” You recognized the voice as Leonard’s and you let him pull you away from Jim, your vision spinning wildly as he lifted you up into his arms, "Jim, you should come too, your wound has started to bleed again.“

This caused you to open your eyes and through the black spots and stars you saw a red stain spreading over Jim’s shirt.  He had been shot.  How had you forgotten?

"Jay…” You croaked and reached for him but Leonard held you back.  

“He’s alright, darlin’, I patched him up myself, but he should be resting in bed.” Leonard’s voice rumbled against your ear as your head flopped against his chest.

You felt the sway of his steps beneath you as he began walking back to the medbay, the sound of Jim’s footfalls close behind, but you couldn’t see him.

“How long was I in that shuttle?” You asked, assuming it was longer than you thought if Leonard had time to save Jim’s life and Jim be well enough to get out of bed.

“About three days.” Leonard breathed, his voice laced with concern, “You probably haven’t had any food or water since then either, but don’t worry, I’ll get you all healed up.”

Three days?  Another three days you couldn’t remember.  You felt yourself stiffen in panic and Leonard’s grip on you got tighter.  

“Just relax for me, darlin’.” He chided, and you let a few tears out before sinking back into his arms.

“Thank you, Leonard.” You whispered into his chest, and he only hummed in response as you had reached the medbay, your vision going spotty all of a sudden before you felt the world spin and you dove into a vat of darkness.  

When you woke up, you had the biggest headache you could ever imagine. You squinted your eyes against the bright lights of the patient room and lifted your head, which elicited another sharp stab of pain.  

A feeling of disappointment settled over you when you didn’t see Jim by your bedside.  

“I told him to go home and rest.” A deep voice sounded from above you and to the left.  

It was Leonard.

“He was by your bedside for 72 hours straight.  So I told him to go back to his quarters and rest, I can send for him if you want.” His hazel eyes were calm as you met them and you let out a breath that you didn’t realize you’d been holding.

You shook your head lightly in response, “No, I think I want to see him when I feel better.  When I am able to process this all better.”

Leonard smiled down at you knowingly, “Alright.  You feeling okay?  How’s your head feeling?”

“Like I’ve been hit in the head repeatedly with a gun and been deprived of food and water for three days.” You responded with a smile.

Leonard chuckled softly, “It’s good to have you back, Y/N.”

You nodded, unable to form words around the lump in your throat.  But this time you didn’t cry.  You were left on the biobed as Leonard left, feeling the safest you had ever felt in the past few days, and you couldn’t bring yourself to feel happy.

Everything was different now.  Everything had changed.  How were you going to fit back in your old life when it had gone on without you for three years? Were you supposed to just jump back in with both feet?  It sure seemed that way.  And that scared the crap out of you.  

A few minutes later, Leonard came back in, a gentle look on his face, “Jim’s here, do you want to see him?”

A rush of emotions hit you.  Panic, anxiety, desperation, sadness, excitement, and longing all swept over you at once at the thought of seeing Jim and you couldn’t handle it.  You heard your heart rate spike on the monitor and Leonard walked over, his gaze concerned as he looked at the screen and then back at you, his question still hanging in the air.

Your voice was hoarse and ragged as you forced yourself to form words,“No, Len, I… I think I just need a little more time.”

Leonard just nodded, looked at the screen one more time, turned and left, closing the door behind him.

And you were alone again.  

You knew you were going to have to face Jim eventually, but didn’t want to be lying on a bed, your vital signs displayed for all to see, showing your inner emotions.  

So you sat alone, only you and your memories, trying to figure out how things were going to go back to normal.  Or what normal really was.  

You tried to capture the years that had gone missing, tried to fathom all time you had spent apart from Jim.  All the moments you weren’t going to get back.

All the days you had lost.  

How were you going to get them back?

Jim:

As I waited for Bones, lying on the office floor in a pool of my own blood, I only entertained for a moment the possibility that I was actually going to die there. The only reason I really cared was that I didn’t know if Bones could find you without my help.

I had called him when I received the message that told me where you were, telling him that if I didn’t send him a com in an hour, to come in after me.  Of course he had tried to get me to back down, to let him help me, but I didn’t have time.  You didn’t have time.    

He took a lot longer than I thought he was going to, and images played in my brain over and over.  Your eyes on mine.  The gun pressed to your head.  The crazed look in Eve’s eyes. You finally remembering me. Then the gun pointed at my chest. Then a deep pain.  Your hands on my face.  You calling my name.

You.

As I watched them take you away, kicking and screaming and calling my name, as I watched them drug you, your body going instantly limp, an odd sense of happiness pulled at my brain.  I was dying.  But I was happy.  

It could have been delirium, that’s what Bones would have said, or something to do with the blood loss, that would have been the logical reason, Spock would have informed.  But I couldn’t help but think it was because of the way your eyes met mine when you remembered.  The way your lips formed my name when you finally remembered.  You remembered me.  

I felt my entire world shift again, if that was possible.  You were alive.  And the entire world could have exploded and I wouldn’t have cared because you came back to me.

When Bones finally showed up, he went into full doctor mode, and I just let him work, let him fret over me because that’s what he did best. Eventually he stopped the bleeding enough to move me and then suddenly we were beamed aboard the Enterprise.

I asked Bones where you were, told him there was no way in hell he was operating on me until I knew you were safe.  But it was a half-hearted response as he literally had his hands inside the hole in my chest, trying to stop the bleeding.  So he called me a ‘god-damned idiot” and told me that he had already told Scotty and Spock about the situation, and that they were already searching for you.  The only problem was how difficult it was going to be to find a small mission pod in the middle of the galaxy.

“Where did Eve and her goons go?” I asked, fading in and out of consciousness.

“I have no idea, Jim.  They weren’t there when I got there, and for all they know their plan worked.  They must have had a shuttle on the roof and taken off somewhere.” Bones informed.

I could only groan in response, stars bursting behind my eyes as Bones dug deeper, trying to find the bullet.  Bones’ worried glare met mine many times, ordering me to stay awake, and I tried, I really did, but eventually sleep was easier than staying awake, and I slipped easily into darkness.  

It hurt when Bones told me you didn’t want to see me.  

But I understood, or at least tried to understand, so I rested, much to Bones’ bewilderment, and waited for you.  I had waited three years already, what was one more week?  

We would make up these lost days.  We could find home again.

Because that’s what you were to me.  What you are to me.  Home.

The great blackness of space was a lot less magical when you had just been floating around in it for three days, waiting to die, praying that the love of your life wasn’t dead.  

You looked wistfully out the windows in your quarters, into the great beyond.  Nothing but stars and blackness and emptiness and space.  You thought of all the miles and light years that you had spanned over the time since you boarded the Enterprise, since you’d been rescued, and you had to remind yourself that you had been on the ship for many miles and light years before, with Jim.

Thinking of Jim made your heart sink into your chest.  Like your heart wanted to hide and disintegrate into your innards but was stopped by something.  Was stopped by hope.  

You had to constantly remind yourself that you weren’t lost anymore.  That that feeling of emptiness and blackness and space was gone, had shattered the moment you met Jim.  The moment you found Jim again.

It ached in you now, that pressing, sinking, empty feeling that made you unable to catch your breath and made stinging tears press at your eyes.  

The sound of your name behind you shook you out of the maze of thoughts that you were lost in.  

“Y/N.”

A sob almost escaped you, and your breath caught in your chest as you spun around, taking in Jim’s form standing near the door.  He looked as lost as you felt. His shoulders slightly hunched and his arms hanging loosely at his sides, his whole demeanor not one of a fierce captain, but one of a lost soldier, a little boy who doesn’t know how to get home.  

“Jay.” You gulped, trying to swallow down the lump in your throat.

“How do you feel?” His voice cracked, and the innocent question hung in the air as he met your eyes.

You felt your soul set on fire as you dove into the crystal blue-ness of his eyes. Oh, how familiar those eyes were to you, how beautiful.  

“A lot better, thanks, and you?” You breathed.

“Just fine.”

“Bones told me what happened after they drugged me.”

Jim nodded.

It felt like someone was continually stabbing your heart with a blunt knife at the politeness of the conversation, how forced it was, like you didn’t have to suppress every fiber in your being that was screaming at you to run to him, to hold him again.  

“I remember everything, Jay.” The words tumbled quietly out of your mouth without you telling them to.

Jim’s eyes snapped up to yours and your heart skipped a beat.

“You do?” He mouthed, and you could tell he tried to make his voice audible but couldn’t get the air past his vocal cords.  

You nodded.

And then the tears came.  Flooding down your cheeks, like a silent waterfall. Everything that had been building up inside of you in the past couple days released, like a dam breaking, and tremors wracked your body.  All the emptiness, all the confusion and frustration and incomplete-ness that you had felt drained out of you, purged from your brain as you sobbed.  A river flowed down your cheeks.  An ocean surged inside your brain.  Jim didn’t move to embrace you or wipe the tears away, as if he knew that you needed to let this out.  That this act of sorrow was not about him, but about you, and all you had lost, all you had been through.  Memories flashed before your eyes, happy ones and sad ones and terrifying ones and you just let them roll over you.

They all faded except for one.  

“I died, Jim.  I remember dying.” You gasped and grasped the fabric of your shirt with shaking fingers.  

“I know, Y/N.” He consoled with a shaking voice, “Darling, I can only imagine how hard it must be to suddenly remember all this.  To suddenly remember me.”

You almost laughed at his words, how absurd they sounded.  How could you ever have forgotten him?  This beautiful man who held your heart in his hands.

“That’s why I didn’t want you to come see me in the medbay.  I needed time to process everything, and you would have just made it a lot more complicated.” A weak smile tugged the ends of your mouth up, and you wiped at stray strands of hair that found their way onto your face.

A soft smile reached Jim’s lips as well, and you felt as if all of your energy had suddenly drained from your body, a sense of calm pouring over you as you looked at him, memories now budding and blossoming before your eyes.

You noted a passing memory and unintentionally let out a laugh.

“Do you remember shore leave that one time, when you took all the Bridge crew to see a sci-fi move and Spock spent the entire time telling us how “scientifically incorrect” it was? You smiled.

Jim looked distant, as if he was remembering as well and a smile formed on his lips, “Yeah, Bones kept shushing him and then they started bickering in the row in front of us.”

You laughed as the images formed in your mind.

Jim continued, “and after 20 minutes you and I decided to ignore them and spent the rest of the time…”

“Making out in the back row like teenagers.” You both said at the same time.

This story had been told so many times that you had memorized it and you both chuckled, the tension in the room finally easing.

“I miss you.” You exhaled shakily and your smile faded, as well as Jim’s.  

Jim cocked his head to the side and gave you a sympathetic gaze, taking a step towards you, “I’m right here, Y/N, I’m with you.”

You shook your head in disagreement to his statement, “I know that, Jay, but it feels as if I am missing you like I would have if I had remembered you before, after I had woken up.”  It was hard to explain in words what you were feeling.

“Like I miss the years we lost.  All the days and moments and memories that we are never going to get back.  I miss those.” You gasped.

Now it was Jim’s turn to shake his head, “We have our whole future ahead of us, Y/N!” His voice grew with quiet excitement, and he took another step closer to you, “Screw the last three years!  They are done.  Gone.  And don’t get me wrong, they were the worst years of my life.  It destroyed me when I thought you were gone.”

He paused and took a few shaky breaths before his sparkling blue eyes met yours and his fingers brushed yours, tugging you closer by your fingertips.

“But there is so much ahead of us, Y/N.  Years and years ahead of us.  It’s all right there, waiting, years that I never thought I’d get with you.”

Tears began to prick your eyes again, your emotions rising up and becoming all tangled again, “I don’t know, Jay.” You paused, staring at the floor, “I don’t even know where to start.”

You were still ensnared in the feeling of being lost, and panic began to rise in your throat at the thought of never being found again.  You couldn’t find the strength to pull your eyes off the floor, couldn’t meet those expectant blue eyes for fear of internally combusting.  

A warm finger pressed under your chin, tilting your head up for you, and you didn’t combust when his eyes met yours, instead it was like a lock clicking into place.  The memories stopped swimming around in your brain, and instead slotted themselves into your mind, the overwhelming feeling of the constant images finally receding.  It was all you could do to push air in and out of your lungs as things settled in your brain, and Jim was patient, noticing your internal struggle and waiting.  

“How about we start here.” Jim breathed and your eyes flitted closed as his lips found your cheek gently.  

Another memory slotted into place.  

“And here.” Another kiss, to your opposite cheek.

Things grew quieter in your brain.

“Here.” A kiss to the tip of your nose, making you smile.  

Silence.  Only one thing on your mind now.  The man with his hands in your hair and his lips mere inches from your own.  

Before you could take in another breath you pressed your lips to his.  Your mind completely went quiet now.  You were so enveloped in the feeling of him, of Jim, of his hands moving down to your neck and his lips desperately on yours that you almost forgot to breathe.  

It was not a gentle kiss.  It was a kiss of longing and waiting and hoping and missing and desperation.  It was hands pulling and arms wrapping and lips pressing.  It was like a storm.  A hurricane.  

You pulled away to catch your breath, but a hand on the back of your neck kept you from going too far, and Jim held your forehead to his.  You ran your shaking fingers down his chest and moved them to wrap around his back, pressing your bodies flush together.  

“I love you, Y/N.” Jim said carelessly, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.  

You froze, but thankfully he kept talking, his hand now moving to cup your cheek and you wrapped your hand around his wrist.  

“And I know this is way too much for you to deal with right now, and frankly I don’t know how you are actually holding it together as well as you are, so you don’t have to say it back right away.  I just want you to know that I never stopped loving you.  Never.  Not when I met Eve, not when I was out exploring space, not even when they handed me your ashes.”

A few tears fell from Jim’s eyes now, and you released your grip on his wrist to wipe the tears away, and he leaned into your touch.

“I missed you so much I could barely breathe.  When I found you again it was like a weight was lifting off my chest.” He was starting to panic now, you could tell, his eyes growing wide and big tears straining down his cheeks, “Like I was finally free.  And when you didn’t remember me?  It felt like someone stabbed me in the heart over and over.  You were looking at me but you weren’t seeing me.  It was like I was a mirage and you couldn’t believe I was real.”

You stopped his ranting with a gentle finger to his lips.  

“Shhh…” You chided and gave him a smile.  

Leaning in, you pressed your lips to his softly, slotting your lips with his, sending all the love and reassurance you could into the kiss, letting him know that you were here, alive, and his.

“I love you, Jay.” You whispered as you pulled away, and watched as his face broke open with relief and he smiled.  

He pulled you in for another kiss, and you smiled onto his lips, unable to hide the giddy feeling that his lips on yours elicited from you.  Happiness now dripped over you, slowly blotting out all of the nervousness, all of the unsureness that you had felt before, and you leaned into him, knowing deep within that you were exactly where you belonged.  

“Captain Kirk to the Bridge.  Captain Kirk to the Bridge.”

A voice sounded over the paging system, interrupting your never-ending kiss.  Jim seemed to ignore the call, and it was you who finally pulled back, a smile never leaving your lips.

“Jay, you have to go.” You insisted, and laughed when he dove in, trying to capture your lips with his again and you held his face away with your hands.

“No way.  I’m sure they can handle whatever it is without me.” Jim griped, his eyes now sparkling and full of life as he looked at you.

“Captain Kirk to the Bridge.  Captain Kirk to the Bridge.”

The voice sounded again and Jim groaned, his head falling forward into the crook of your neck, his soft hair brushing against your skin.  You laughed and held the back of his head, running your fingers through his hair as you rocked gently, as if to soothe him.

“It’s okay, little Captain.” You cooed and he chuckled into your skin, sending waves of happiness over you, “We have all the time in the world now, don’t we?”

Jim lifted his head now and smoothed his hands over your waist and hips, pulling your body tight to his and meeting your eyes fiercely.  He let out a deep breath and smiled, his eye closing as you carded your fingers through his hair.  You reveled for a moment in the fact that you could do this again, that you could touch him and look at him and kiss him.

“That we do, beautiful, that we do.” He sighed, and tilted his head so your fingers had better access to his hair.

A surge of happiness prompted you to kiss him again, wanting nothing more than to feel his lips against yours indefinitely, forever, to never lose another day without them, without him.  Jim leaned into the kiss, and you could feel him smiling beneath your lips as his fingers hooked into the fabric of your shirt.

“Captain Kirk to the Bridge.  Captain Kirk to the Bridge.”

With an exasperated gasp Jim pulled away, actually stepping away from you, the sudden loss of his body against yours making you frown.  

“Okay, I better go.  Spock’ll have my head if I ignore the com one more time.” Jim turned towards you, his words not matching his stance, as he looked like he wanted nothing more than to wrap you in his arms again.

“How about I come with you?” You suggested, and Jim’s features lit up instantly.

“Will you?  I don’t think I can bear one more second without you by my side.” Jim roused, “I keep feeling like you are going to disappear again, slip through my fingers.”

You stepped forward and entwined your fingers through his.

“I’m not going anywhere, Jay.” You avowed, pressing a kiss to his cheek, “I’m staying right by your side as long as the universe allows it.”

Jim beamed at you now and pressed a quick kiss to your lips before leading you out the door.

It was strange, walking these halls, hand-in-hand with Jim.  It was familiar and new at the same time.  Like a memory becoming a reality.  And for once in the past week your heart didn’t feel like it was going to disappear inside your chest, you knew it was safe, protected by the man who was walking beside you, hand in yours.

Reaching the Bridge, Jim didn’t let go of your hand even as he was bombarded with information and began to give orders.  He made his way to his chair and sat down in it, and you stood to the side, fingers still entwined with his, and he stroked your skin as he addressed Sulu and Chekov who both smiled at you in recognition.  You were ecstatic to see them as well, to be back by Jim’s side. Surveying the busy room with a smile, you nodded to Spock who sat at his spot in the corner, and he nodded back.  You gave a little finger wave to Uhura at her station and she gave you the biggest smile you had ever seen.

A hand came to rest on your shoulder suddenly and you looked up to see Leonard smiling down at you, and you reached your free hand up to his. “Thank you.” You mouthed at him, giving his fingers a quick squeeze before he removed his hand from your shoulder.

You looked down to Jim now, in his chair, doing what he does best, and you smiled fondly down at him.  His head tilted back and his eyes turned to you, a shimmer of hopefulness laced in his features, and you gave his fingers a squeeze now, and he returned the gesture.  

Turning your eyes forward, to the vastness of space and time that was laid out in front of you as the Enterprise and all it’s crew hurtled through the universe, you felt content and light, like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders.

Whether Jim had found you or you found him still remains a mystery, but you couldn’t care less, because as you stood next to him, your love, your heart, surrounded by your friends and family aboard this ship, you knew everything was going to be okay.  

You had found those lost days.  You were home.

-Thanks for reading!  I hope you liked it!-

I am not going to tag anyone in this one, as this is mostly for me to have this whole story in one place.  It is a monster of a piece.  

Thanks for all of your support again, guys, you rock. 

#startrek #startrekimagine #startrekfic #kirkxreader #jimxreader #jimkirkxreader #jimkirk #jamestkirk #jamestiberiuskirk #captainkirk #lostdays

[javodvarka]

I love great character moments. And this episode had ALL THAT and a bowl of grits. Clarke and Madi mother/daughter feelings? Check. Monty and Echo hugging? Check. Niylah being a pod person? Check. Murphy and Emori bonding over explosions and taking hostages? Check. Blakes sword fighting? Check. Echo getting the fuckin’ glow up? CHECKITY FUCKITY CHECK.

“Exit Wounds,” written by Drew Lindo, a newcomer to the writer’s room, and directed by Michael Blundell in his directorial debut put the war for Eden in motion, but using mind games instead of swords and guns (for now). Octavia and Diyoza punching and counter punching in a war of wills and Echo putting her spy skills to use represent an exciting way to maneuver these two factions into intrigue and more conflict without spilling a drop of blood (well, unless you’re Octavia, and killing your own people’s blood is just another Tuesday). Madi’s secret was revealed and dealt with in surprising and scary ways, revealing some suprising enemies and allies. Relationships were dealt with, including a very frank conversation about change, jealousy, and resentment, and Clarke saw her worst fears come true, as Octavia moved to set herself between Clarke and Madi for what purpose we simply do not know yet.

Let’s get into it!

Stupid Sexy Smart Diyoza

So, of course Diyoza quotes Sun Tzu and The Art of War. She’s a cunning leader who is absolutely smarter than Octavia as a military leader. She knows that Octavia’s people have knowledge and skills her prison folks just don’t have, and she’s looking at the big picture of actual sustainable survival. She knows that bloodshed is not the only way to wage a war. She’s so smart.       (i love her)

Instead of using guns and manpower as weapons, she uses something far more subversive: food. Thanks to Kane’s intel, she knows that Wonkru is running low and understands that six years of bunker food (IT’S PEOPLE, IT’S MADE OF PEOPLE, OMG WE ALL KNOW THIS, RIGHT?!) and facing possible starvation with no way to cross the wasteland is a way to psychologically worm (ha!) her way into the hearts and minds of Wonkru, who aren’t the single-minded organism that Octavia would like to think as we come to find out.

Leveraging Kane’s knowledge of Octavia and Wonkru’s situation to find an alternative way to start widening the minute cracks in Wonkru’s foundation is just such a smart move for the show to make. We’ve watched wars get waged in several violent ways and having a cunning character like Diyoza follow an unexpected path is one of the many joys and surprises of season 5.

All the while, she finds a way to piss off McCreary and flirt with Kane. IN THE SAME SCENE. “Fostering dissent is like seduction. It takes time.” MY WOMAN.

My love for Diyoza is reaching embarrassing levels. This character is just electric every fucking second of screen time and she’s really changing up the dynamic of conflict this season. I should be rooting for our protagonists of the last 4 seasons, but I simply cannot. While Octavia kinda makes it easier, Diyoza is simply too good a character, and too smart for me to not to like a whole lot.

But. BUT. Y’all, I be worried.

I think it’s kinda obvious that I’m on Team Prison as Octavia and Wonkru are so problematic and scary for me, and there’s going to be a dark year reveal soon that will make it nigh impossible for me to not be even more freaked out by them. But Team Prison is not all that great either and feels held together by bubble gum, chicken wire, and the sheer force of Diyoza’s will. I think this season is delving into the nature of loyalty and leadership in ways that haven’t been explored before, and Diyoza will see her people turn on her. She’s one or two McCreary confrontations away from losing them.

There’s a pragmatism to Diyoza that doesn’t fare well in the face of impatience, ego, intellectual laziness, or lack of vision. How does one convince a bunch of violent prisoners who want to bust heads that supply dropping food is playing the smarter long game? They don’t fuckin’ care about the long game. They wanna bust heads. Wonkru may have some spreading cracks in its foundation, but Prisonkru is a festering powder keg and something tells me Diyoza will realize this too late. She thinks she’s leading an army, but really what the fuck is she the Colonel of? A bunch of barely organized prisoners? Ooooo girl. .

Kane’s Gettin’ a Little Uppity During Lunch Hour

You guys notice how Kane is now at the cool kids’ table, thinking he can talk smack to the other cool kids? I love you, you sexy beardy man, but damn son, please don’t poke the McCreary bear.

I love that Kane feels a little bit more comfortable with Diyoza…I think their dynamic is fun to watch…but McCreary’s nickname is GRAVEYARD. Yo. GRAVE. YARD. That’s not unicorns and lollipops and rainbows type of shit. Watch yourself, Kane. Diyoza seems to be the type to enjoy goading two dudes into a dick-measuring contest then stopping it to show power. Hey, it’s not rational, but her jabs at McCreary are telling.

Fake It Until You Make It – But What If You Never Feel You Make It?

I have a problem with Octavia. I’m having a very hard time reading her character. The way she goes around scowling and growling at people can, at times, feel a bit over-the-top. I’m starting to wonder if it’s a deliberate acting choice to convey something that I suspect to be true of Octavia: she has no fucking clue what she got herself into and the moment she lets the Blodreina facade slip, she’s dead.

There have been some very obvious times this season where we’ve seen glimpses of Octavia Blake – her frustration over proposed blanket theft resolution, seeing Bellamy for the first time in six years, her waving to Monty…but those moments stand in jarring opposition to Octavia stomping around barking orders and hissing threats.

I want to believe that Blodreina is just a persona – a mask – that Octavia felt she had to wear in order to get people past their divisions and get them all on the same page in the bunker. And over the years, she’s somewhat gotten better at being this Red Queen, but it’s never fit just quite right. There are times where I feel she’s barely in control of this other person she’s had to become and she doesn’t quite have the skills to move into a non-bunker world and maintain control.

Let’s face it…life outside of the very structured boundaries of the bunker adds a layer of complexity to what Octavia has to do to lead Wonkru. Kara (stupid head!) is right about the murmurs of doubt. Octavia looks weak due to her failure to cross the wasteland, and Octavia isn’t not equipped with the knowledge or experience to do anything other than view war as her only option. She’s a bulldozer looking for a hill to raze. She’s simply not on Diyoza’s level and it’s quite apparent that the best plans she implements are those suggested by others.

Now, I am by no means calling Octavia dumb. But she is, at this point, a blunt instrument to Diyoza’s scalpel. She’s also out-technologied in a big way, as the Eligius mother ship has an eye on Polis and Wonkru’s movements. She’s also out-intelled, as Kane is giving Diyoza all the data she needs and Octavia doesn’t know much at all about who she’s dealing with. And given Octavia’s character development over 4 seasons, she’s a warrior. Of course her first instinct is going to be to hack away with a sword until someone’s dead. That’s kinda all she knows. Plus she is emotionally immature. Plus her coping skills are SHIT.

Now, I’m sure a bunch of people are reading this and think I hate Octavia or think she’s stupid. Look, you could put me in charge of an army and I wouldn’t know fuck all about military tactics. You could put me in an airplane cockpit and we are definitely going to crash. Socially stunted people without skills in an area they’re suddenly thrust into aren’t necessarily going to thrive! People rarely succeed when they are ill-prepared, under-skilled, or lacking talent. That’s why I’m not a mathematician and went into liberal arts. And the reverse is true. IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE GOOD AT STUFF. IT IS OKAY TO FAIL. It’s only through failure we learn. Just in Octavia’s case, failure is simply not an option.

I’m not hating on Octavia to say I think she’s teetering on the edge of letting the mask slip, of letting people see she’s not cut out for this role she’s created for herself. That maybe, just maybe, she’s way in too deep with this Wonkru craziness and there’s no ability to just sort of quit and move on to something else. Deeply flawed characters are fine, sometimes they’re great. And not all protagonists get to die a hero. Octavia’s story this season is fascinating to watch because I feel I’m watching one of the show’s four main protagonists slip down into an antagonist role, and it’s far more interesting than another season of “oh, look, Octavia’s in this scene.”

While I’m on the subject of Octavia and Wonkru, I wanted to point out the significance of what that Shadow Valley hippy couple said: they wanted to go back to their home and start a family where they’re free. Free. Huh…interesting word.

Now that Wonkru is no longer trapped in a box, the individual members of Wonkru can restart their lives outside of the bunker. Does freedom from the bunker also mean freedom from Wonkru, freedom from whatever they did in that bunker? Can Octavia really fight against people who want to express their individual “rights” outside of bunker society. Does Octavia even care about those seeking an escape from their past? Will her need to hold onto power mean she stomps on the individual liberties of others? I mean, I think we’ve already seen the answer to that.

I’m sure there will be a showdown at some point that will cause Octavia to confront imposing her will on a people who are no longer bound by walls to conform to her rule. Will that opposing voice come from Bellamy, Clarke, or one of her own? Indra perhaps? If someone does call her out, I think we know that person will be marked for death.

WHATEVER, KARA: My Obligatory “I Hate Kara Cooper” Section

Hey, y’all like that scene to open the episode where Clarke is tending to Octavia’s worm…hole? bite? boring location? wound? and Kara “THE WORST” Cooper comes in and is all like “Hey Octavia, you ready, you can’t be sittin’ here licking your wounds, your people expect you up and about and doing cult stuff, let’s go we got a full day of cultin’ to do!”

And Clarke rolls her eyes and is like…”Whatever Karen.”

Kara pops up throughout this episode to be the absolute worst person in the world – a world filled with exceptionally bad people mind you – and any time she’s on screen, I just squint my eyes and seethe with the hatred of a thousand suns that are…like…very filled with hate. As suns usually are. SHUT UP, IT’S SCIENCE!

At the end of the episode, when Bellamy and Clarke catch Kara shooting defectors, I was like “FINALLY! They got her! She went against Octavia’s orders and Octavia will have no choice but to kill her betraying ass” and boy did I ever eat a disappointment shit sandwich on that one. OF COURSE Octavia gave Kara the order to shoot defectors, to make it look like a real defection and all. Dumb me.

I hate to say this, but……………..

…………….Kara’s right. Octavia’s grip on power, absolute in the bunker, gets a little hazier in the light of the sun, and Octavia needs to exercise her power in order to put across a message of “hey, I’m still the Red Queen here.”

It must be EXHAUSTING to be Octavia. Especially when stupid head Kara Cooper of ShesTheWorstKru is always there needling you and reminding you that you slip up once, and people will pounce, like once did and SHOULD HAVE BEEN KILLED FOR BUT NOOOOO SHE WON A SWORD FIGHT, LIKE SO LUCKY, WHATEVER. GOD!

Let’s turn now to something positive.

I Love Season 5 Bellamy…That’s Like My Opinion, Man

I don’t care what people say. This is the best version of Bellamy and I love him.

He’s smart, measured, balanced, and a fuckin’ grown ass adult. And guess what, I like smart, measured, balanced adults. I’m weird that way.

He’s matured into a Bellamy who in many ways, has reigned in the impulsive parts of himself without losing the passion and drive that was always the best bits of Bellamy, especially in my second-favorite iteration of him in season 2.

Not only did I love the sword sparring between he and Octavia, I loved that bit in the end:

“We all have things to answer for, things that shouldn’t be forgiven but are because we did them for our people. Our family. Echo is no different. She was an Azgeda spy, now she’s with me, your brother who is trying very hard to understand who you are now compared to who you were six years ago. All I’m asking is for you to do the same.”

Just such great goddamn dialog. So much was packed into a couple lines that really felt a lot like a super-condensed version of the arguments I made about Echo’s character development and our protagonist bias in my off-season Echo Defense Squad write up.

I’m not saying “look at how smart I am” for echoing (OLOLOLOLO) a lot of the same sentiment put forth by Bellamy’s dialog…but I’m not NOT saying “look how smart I am” either. I just feel kinda good that my thoughts about Echo/protagonist bias got addressed in such a straight-forward way. No biggie tho.

I think Octavia and Bellamy’s conflict also shows how much he’s changed and how much she’s dug into who she’s kinda always been. Octavia is about actions, not intentions. Bellamy, in his balancing his heart with his head, realizes that intentions are important. Reasons are important. Point of view is important. This is an emotional maturity that Bellamy has grown into throughout the series, with a lot of influence from Clarke, who is now letting her heart lead her a bit more this season. She’s grown because of Bellamy, because of Madi. But Octavia…Octavia, for me, lies in stark contrast to everyone else who has actually progressed in six years.

Octavia, again, is a blunt instrument. She doesn’t look past actions. Actions speak loudly to her, she doesn’t much care about the intention behind them. Punch her, she punches back. Her world is simple, black and white. Wonkru or enemy of Wonkru. This is NOT a good way to navigate a world with any level of complexity. I really am wondering if being in that bunker isn’t just being back under the floor. The larger world, the ability to change and evolve, the FREEDOM to change and evolve and choose one’s path simply isn’t available to Octavia. The bunker, like the floor, stunts her growth, turning her more inward, giving her an echo chamber which she never needs to question. And where she’s never questioned.

Octavia meets challenges, conflict, and stress with anger and violence. This is NOT a well-balanced human being who has emotional maturity, and this stunted growth makes her assessment of situations – looking merely at actions – and her reply – usually driven by anger – highly problematic. If love is weakness, then does Octavia consider its opposites as strength? This is going to be an issue moving forward, especially in light of Bellamy’s growth. And THAT’S OKAY. I love that people are growing when others are simply not. Again, change can happen at different rates, or not at all. Throwing this all into contrast by using the delta between who you were and how you are is fascinating stuff. I really dig the stuff we’re exploring this season.

This whole episode had so many great parts featuring Bellamy and Bob acted his goddamn ass off. It’s almost astonishing that I don’t notice his performance more because it has been great since the pilot (fight me), but there was just something about his dialog and delivery this episode that really sparked off the screen.

The Becho of It All, I Love It, That’s Just My Opinion, Man

Bob and Taysa have great chemistry. Bob expressed a lot of emotion in his line delivery with her. I think the dialog just fucking hit it out of the park more than usual. A lot of heavy lifting was done in this episode to progress our understanding of how their dynamic evolved, even though we didn’t SEE it, which is a sticking point for so many people.

But I also think we could get 50 years of Echo and Bellamy together, with generations of kids and grandkids, and there would still be some folks that would “Yeah but, we didn’t get to see it”. I’m no longer interested in having that conversation.

Hey, I didn’t get to see Bellamy suddenly be okay with killing 300 Grounders in their sleep either, but I head cannoned my way around it.

I like Becho. I think it makes sense, especially in the context of a show that is all about “what would you do for your people?” It’s ridiculous to not extend that consideration to Echo or Diyoza or Blodreina when we’ve done it consistently with Clarke, Bellamy, Lexa, Pike, et al. I think flipping perspective is a healthy way to understand the experiences of people who we have trouble relating to. So I’m into it.

Sorry if you’re not into it, but no worries. I’m sure the Becho relationship will soon be fridged and thrown into the Bellarke volcano as tribute.

But hey Becho…

The Emori of It All

I am actually someone who genuinely enjoys when people are in love and are putting in the heavy lifting to make a relationship work. I know I don’t put across that aura, but trust me, I dig a well-oiled partnership without drama for drama’s sake. I don’t like prop relationships.

While there is conflict with Memori, it’s not in order to push people apart so they are available for someone else…this relationship, and it’s breakup, is about as real as you can get when it comes to one of the main sources of relationships hitting the rocks – people change. And often that means growing apart in heartbreaking ways.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE that Emori found a greater purpose on the Ring and was part of something bigger than herself. Remember, she’s an outcast because of a physical mutation, forced to be a loner. But that doesn’t mean that she necessarily liked being a it or understood what it could feel like to be part of a group, a family. I teared up for Emori in this scene because I totally feel for her and love how she’s changed over these six years. She’s found her place. Her people.

And Murphy, who is far less capable of expressing his feelings without getting snarky and resentful, admits to feeling unneeded. He was jealous of Emori and how she was changing into this new, more fully-realized person, and he resented her and punished her, driving her away.

It’s sad because it’s a familiar story line in a great many relationships, real and fictional…it’s almost a given that change will drive resentment of some sort with two people. The key is working through it, getting right with it, then getting past it.

Murphy is the kind of dude that KNOWS why he does stuff, but won’t admit to it. He knows all of this, he knows he lashes out when in pain and hurts those he loves (you can see it on the Eligius with Raven and his immediate remorse), so it’s not that he’s emotionally dumb, he’s just sooooooooo bad with expressing himself in a way that is conducive to a conversation versus a fight.

We still love him despite his immature actions because he can be remorseful and come correct. He’s not that guy that sticks to his guns and won’t admit his faults, even if he does it sarcastically. It’s his armor, and I get that.

God, the fucking acting with these two. They’re not the warmest, cuddliest people on the face of the irradiated earth, but they express their love, hurt, and affection in sharper, more sarcastic and caustic ways. And it works for them. I totally buy into this relationship because it feels like two peas in a pod…a prickly pod, but they’re a matching set.

Especially when it comes to doing a little murderation and hostage-taking. These two have a thing for getting sexy by stirring up trouble. Am I into it?

Leave it to Murphy and Emori to blow up a couple of their pursuers and wound McCreary, who is now their hostage. Have you ever seen two people share a smile over taking a hostage? Hell, they were going to have post-exploding-people sex. Tell me these two crazy kids aren’t completely made for each other.

Hey Look It’s Niylah and She’s Totally Normal You Guys [INTERNAL SCREAMING]

Yay! We finally have confirmation that Niylah is still alive. In my last review, I said this about her:

“I love Niylah. I love how chill and peaceful and GOOD she is. Niylah went into the bunker, but who came out?”

Niylah seeks out Clarke, calls her out on avoiding her, then gives her a carving of a panther, a great callback to Niylah’s introduction in season 3 that I truly appreciated. These callback moments help connect characters through their history and instantly remind us of “oh hey, remember how close these two once were and how awkward things are now?”. We got treated to more great dialog in this episode as these two had a chat:

Clarke: Things are different now.

Niylah: Not everything has changed. I carved this for you. Remember the panther I smoked and made into jerky for you?

Clarke: Yes I do. That was some great panther! Do you cure meat for Wonkru?

Niylah: Not FOR Wonkru. FROM Wonkru.

Clarke: [………………….]

Niylah: Also, that panther is carved from an Azgeda femur. If you hold it up to your ear, you can still hear him screaming.

Is Niylah now a Wonkru pod person? You bet your ass that Niylah is now a fuckin’ pod person. The most cinnamon roll of cinnamon rolls is turning Wonkru into people jerky. She’s fully bought into the cult and dedicated to Blodreina and her calm demeanor during this conversation, a trait I had come to admire Niylah for, is now fucking frightening as fuck. I can’t be alone in this. My sweet baby Niylah is now a doe-eyed cult member and probably spends her time perfecting her jerk rub for long pig.

PLUS, SHE WAS GOING TO RAT ON MADI BEING A TRUE NIGHTBLOOD.

You guys, NIYLAH AIN’T RIGHT.

I hate it but I love it all the same because it’s so fucking eerie how nonchalant Niylah is about everything. She’s like a friend from high school you reconnect with after ten years and things are all cool. Until she starts talking to you about Amway.

I guess this is as good a place to bring it up as any:

You guys ready to see the emotional fall out over what happened in the bunker? Like people just finally breaking down from what they experienced in there? The picture getting painted is quite clear to anyone picking up what Blodreina and Wonkru are dropping: something really bad went down. And no one will talk about it.

But someone eventually will. And there will be a reckoning. Because it’s one thing to do abhorrent stuff to survive in a closed environment, but now that the bunker is opened up and there’s a larger world to exist in, how will people reconcile whatever happened with their new life?

I can see someone like Niylah falling apart. Or Kane – as I suspect he might begin revealing to Diyoza what happened in the Dark Year. I think Diyoza will sense something hinky about Wonkru that isn’t just devotion to Octavia, but a fierce protective instinct/fear of discussing what exactly went on in the bunker. Kane probably feels great shame, but has, like the others, convinced themselves that survival depended on it…and by it, I mean cannibalism. What other taboo could be causing them to act like this?

Oh, this is going to be a shit show, to be sure. I’m positively giddy with excitement. And I know you are too…c’mon, admit it. You, dear reader, are just as complicit as I am in this weird titillation over crossing into that one last taboo.

Also, a shared shame is a powerful glue…Wonkru’s secret is one of the things that holds them together, but once someone exposes that secret, shit’s going to hit the fan.

Everything’s Changed

I don’t think we’ve had a sharper focus on how the characters feel about the current state of things than when Clarke tells Niylah that nothing’s the same. And it’s not, especially for Clarke, who after a shit time on earth, seems to be the one that fared the best in the six years that have passed. I think she found some measure of peace in her life in the Shadow Valley and with Madi. Her unease with Octavia, Niylah, and the rest of Wonkru is her intuition telling her that everything is fucked up and Madi, due to the nature of her night blood, is in grave danger.

Clarke has changed too, and I like how she’s not at the focal point of the first half of the season. She no longer feels the need to lead. Hers is a people of one, and Madi is her only priority. Bellamy has a slightly larger circle of seven people to look after, and Octavia has a gaggle of cultists at her beck and call. There is a looming danger here of competing priorities, of perceived threats, and clashing personalities and egos. Bellamy, Octavia, and Clarke are in a tenuous triangle of tension and conflict, exacerbated by the fact that no one truly knows each other any more.

And now that Octavia has essentially plucked Madi from under Clarke’s protective wing, she’s going to get even more fucked up because Octavia done poked mama bear Clarke.

AND YOU DO NOT POKE THE MAMA BEAR.

Speaking of which…

Wanheda Versus Blodreina: ARE YOU READY?

Where are my Degeneration X fans at? BREAK IT DOWN…

(I really know where my audience sweet spot is…the 3 people who watch The 100 and have deep WWE historical knowledge)

The second Octavia “adopted” or whatever the fuck you’d call it (abducted?) Madi into Wonkru, all bets were off on how Clarke is going to respond. Can you imagine watching in horror as your “daughter” gets inducted into a cult by the one person who can do some serious harm to her? Does anyone truly believe that Octavia has Madi’s best interests at heart? What exactly are Octavia’s intentions? Does she view Madi as a way to control Clarke? And poor Madi, who thought she was doing the right thing, doesn’t have the insight or experience to understand how big of a threat Octavia is.

Let me speak a bit on Madi’s decision. I wrote a poem to reflect my feelings upon seeing her go to tell Octavia the truth about her nightblood:

“OH MADI NO” by Jen

OH BABY NO DON’T WHAT IS YOU DOIN’???!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK [big breath] FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! THIS IS BAD.

WHY SWEET BABY GIRL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! [faint]

Yes, the Lebron meme – so very timely right now, so appreciate my cultural awareness – is part of the poem. I work in mixed media. My talent won’t be confined to just one method of communication.

I realize Madi thought she was protecting Clarke by coming clean so they didn’t have to go back to Eden with Diyoza a perceived threat, and it’s a completely Madi thing to do. She’s got spunk and agency, but unfortunately the Octavia of Clarke’s stories no longer exists. But she doesn’t know that. I don’t blame Madi, I’m just face-palming a bit because we, the audience, have far more insight into Octavia, can viscerally feel Clarke’s panic, and realize that inexperience and youth are driving a lot of Madi’s innocent actions.

That Madi has Octavia-shaped stars in her eyes doesn’t help anything. Like I said, she has no idea what Octavia has done, or what Wonkru is. She’s living off of Octavia’s greatest hits, not her current material. We’ll see if Madi gets clued into something being wrong in the state of Denmark. I don’t doubt we’re going to get some Madi being bratty with Clarke over “cool aunt” Octavia. It’s about to get all high school drama up in here. “YOU JUST DON’T GET IT, MOM!”

I thought perhaps Clarke would align with Octavia against Diyoza, but now it’s looking more likely to be the other way around. Clarke knows Octavia is dangerous, her interactions with Niylah and Gaia opening her eyes a bit more to the politics and cult of personality that is Wonkru.

I can only guess we’re now going to get a war between titans – Wanheda vs. Blodreina

And how, exactly, is Bellamy going to react to all of this? At some point, you’d think he’s going to have a make a choice between the two. In the past, his choice has almost always been his sister, but it’s been six years, people have changed, and Octavia has gone down a very dark path.

I Have A Big Apology to Make

In my Red Queen review, I wrote that I simply do not trust Gaia. I think I was wrong. Let me give you a 2018-version of an apology:

“I’m sorry you made me feel that way and say those things about you.”

I’m still not quite sure what Gaia’s agenda or what she plans to do, but it appears that she’s going to protect Madi. She was ready to kill Niylah to protect Madi. This was not something I expected out of her, and that was was also unwilling to just force Madi to take the Flame is yet another interesting detail. We know very little about the Flamekeepers, their beliefs, and their role in Grounder society.

Now we know Gaia is still ready and willing to adhere to her faith. How she reconciles serving both her queen and her faith will hopefully get explored, as I think we can all agree: we need to see much more of Gaia. She’s too interesting to be left on the periphery of the narrative, especially since the dynamics between the group of women – Octavia, Kara, Indra, and Gaia – is just RIPE with possible intrigue, conflicts, and power struggles.

But I’m sorry, Gaia. You surprised me this episode. I now fully endorse the Hashtag Protect Gaia At All Costs 2018 ticket. Stuff those ballot boxes, folks.

I would like to rage.

Simply The Best…Better Than All The Rest

Of course I saved Echo for last. Because this was the episode I had been waiting for.

CHARACTER. DEVELOPMENT.

If you’ll indulge me, I will yet again hearken back to my Echo Defense Squad Assemble piece I wrote prior to the season when I spoke on Echo’s potential. I maintained that she’s ride or die for her people, and I think her devotion to Azgeda proved it over and over again. Of course, a lot of what she did, we didn’t necessarily like because she wasn’t one of the “good guys.” Now that she’s ostensibly one of the “good guys,” how will we view her actions and her character?

I believe she’s ride or die for her little Spacekru family. Much like Emori, I don’t think Echo knew her place in the world. Outside of Azgeda and her service to its royal family, what was her role?

Just as Emori learned she had more to offer, I think Echo learned she had the ability to now choose where to place her loyalty and trust. She lacked agency in the past, driven merely by her duty to her clan. Having a choice, having the freedom to figure out your place in the world is a powerful story. Emori’s story resonates with me, and now so does Echo’s as I understand her better because I can see how she relates and interacts with the people I’ve trusted for 4 seasons.

Echo showing agency was very important for me this season. When Octavia basically makes Echo choose between banishment or turning in the names of those who plan on deserting, Echo refuses to give up the names. And it’s important to note her sense of integrity is not driven by anyone else. Bellamy could have told her not to, as it would mean the death of innocent people who just want to be free of Wonkru, but he never weighs in on Echo’s choice. It’s her decision alone to make, and I MAY have been slightly excited when she said she wasn’t going give Octavia anyone’s names.

Echo and Bellamy do manage, by coincidence of needing to get back to Diyoza’s ship, to convince Octavia to let the deserters go. Echo has to get Monty’s thumb drive to Raven to do computer stuff to hide them from the eye in the sky and all that technology mumbo jumbo. Saving people is a by-product of their plan. It’s a bit weird that it’s never quite clear that killing deserters is really all that upsetting to anyone until after the fact. I guess I would have thought this would have drawn more ire from Bellamy or Clarke.

Echo’s skills as a spy (they don’t call it spycraft for nothin’, folks…it ain’t easy) and understanding of military tactics make her quite valuable. We see snippets of her skills and how she’s leveraged them to teach and protect Spacekru throughout some of the early episodes, but she really shined in “Exit Wounds.” And in the matter of statecraft, what Echo learned from Nia gives her the ability to see how actions taken or not taken may hurt Octavia from a political standpoint, but a short-term loss might be necessary for long-term gain. She’s able to offer strategic, not just the nuts and bolts of how to execute a plan.

What I wouldn’t give for an episode of just Diyoza, Echo, and Indra having dinner and chatting about Sun Tzu, warfare, political maneuvering, fighting styles…I would be entranced.

By the end of the episode, I was thoroughly entertained and delighted by the direction they took her in and how they showed her competency as a spy and improviser. Now, thanks to Echo, I know that gunshot wounds are not only horrible, but also handy-dandy places to hide thumb drives and other small objects. That was some quick thinking on Echo’s part, and although gross, I have to tip my cap to her cunning.

I’m happy to see Echo now in play and Raven back in the picture to move the story line along, but I’m not sure I’m all too happy about Monty, Clarke, Bellamy, Madi, and Harper being left behind in cray cray land. I’m a “get the Adventure Squad together and keep them together!” Polly Anna, and it would be fun for 5 minutes before hindering the plot. So I be patient. But not too patient.

Sidebar: the one unexpected moment that delighted me to no end was Monty and Echo hugging goodbye. These small moments snap us back to the reality that these people have been together for six years, and friendships formed in the confined Ring up in space seem to be based on mutual admiration, trust, and affection. Contrast that feeling to the vibe coming from bunkerkru, held together by something deeper and darker. Contrast that to the “me and Madi against the world” loner vibe off of Clarke, and it’s all so very different from what we’ve felt from these characters before.

Some might not like it. But stories move forward, and the people in them evolve and change in ways that are natural within the narrative. Season 5 has turned out to be something completely fresh while still adhering to many of the recurring themes throughout the series, while admittedly applying a new coat of paint. I’m still highly engaged and excited to see where season 5 goes next. It’s been fucking fantastic to me. There are those who are unhappy with some decisions, but patient and respectful of the craft.

And there those who are unhappy and flinging shit in every direction. We’re not talking constructive criticism here, but ire and hate. To those who are just launching negativity at the show, creators, and actors, I say look to the nearest exit. There are thousands of other shiny objects to thrill and delight you on TV if The 100 no longer fits the bill.

And weirdly, it’s perfectly acceptable to dislike a thing and not raze it to the ground. After the Star Wars fuckery this week, my tolerance of fan entitlement and toxicity is nil. Well, it always has been, but this week of all weeks I’m really just ready to drop gloves. I’m happy to see a legion of SW fans rise up in support of Kelly Marie Tran.

Deathwatch 2018

From week to week, I’m ranking characters by likelihood two die in two buckets: gonna die and long shots. Dead characters of note are in the “May We Meet Again” category.

It’s been my contention for awhile now that one of the “core four” is dying this season. It’s season 5, I reason it’s time to kill off a major character. Y’all. I am officially WORRIED about Clarke Griffin. Marie, Bob, and Lindsey have all made some sort of reference to season 6, indicating strongly that they’ll all be back. There is one person missing in this equation, and that’s Eliza. Not one word of getting advance ideas from the writer’s room, season 6 prep talk, or celebration over getting renewed.

There’s really only one person who can sufficiently express how I’m feeling right about now, and that’s Paula. See how she’s barely holding it together? It me. It SO me.

Of course, I need to remember I have it in my own head that one of the Core Four is dying this season. But I could be dead wrong. You know how you convince yourself of something then you just start descending into an anxiety spiral as you start connecting dots and drawing conclusions based on the implications of one thing or another? That’s where I’m at. What I need to remind myself of is that none of my theories about this show ever come true. Like, EVER. That I have chosen to ignore my own poor track record, yet again, must be the pure embodiment of “lord, give me the confidence of a mediocre white man.”

Also, I’m adding Madi to my long shot list. Because as I’m spiraling on Clarke, people are telling me there’s NO WAY they’ll kill off Clarke then my mind just shoots off to other characters in a panic and lands on the last one I want to die, which is Madi, which sets me off into another anxiety spiral…this Deathwatch 2018 feature was my worst idea ever.

Sure Bets, One of These Peeps Is Dyin’

Abby

Kane

Kara (+1, moving her up out of pure spite because I’m petty that way)

Indra (-1, moved down to move Kara up, suck it Kara!)

McCreary

Dropped off the list: Echo, for now, but you know, Bellarke volcano god must be fed!

Loooooooooooooong Shots, Place Yer Bets!

Clarke (previously unranked, as me worried AF now)

Murphy

Madi (previously unranked, as me worried AF now)

Monty

—- (I’m stressed enough about Clarke, you want me to pick someone else I love to replace Bellamy on this list? What kind of monster are you?)

Dropped off the list: Raven (1), Bellamy (5) – both have been mentioned season 6 prep

May We Meet Again

Jaha – he was number 1 on my Sure Bet to die board, though I take no pleasure in being right…it was a sorta easy read based on social media. Jaha was an interesting, complex, often infuriating figure in this universe, so RIP.

Raven Reyes Nookie Watch 2018

Welcome back to Raven Reyes Nookie Watch 2018! This is a weekly recurring feature of upmost importance. It’s all about the nookie!

Fun fact about the Nookie-O-Meter: it cannot render a reading if Raven – and by extension, potential nookie for Raven to partake in – is absent from an episode. Where Raven at? Not cool.

A SKIP BAYLESS GIF. Look, The 100 writers, I have been brought low by the absence of Raven. I resorted to a fuckin’ Skip Bayless GIF. Don’t do this to me again. It makes me feel icky.

RAVEN REYES NOOKIE ALERT LEVEL: Hazy, ask again later.

I see Raven is back next episode, so I’m excited. Some Raven is good. More Raven is always better. And once Raven is back on our screens, I can access, with scientific rigor and accuracy, the odds of nookie bein’ gotten at some point in time.

Parting Thoughts

Slarke is my ride or die ship – that’s Clarke + soap. There are some nice conditioning products I could recommend for that Polis hair.

I have read that that some people consider “Exit Wounds” a “filler episode,” including people I presume are paid to write about TV professionally. A filler episode, according to TVtropes.com: “Filler episodes are entries in a generally continuous serial that are unrelated to the main plot, don’t significantly alter the relations between the characters, and generally serve only to take up space.” In my profession, if I couldn’t differentiate between feature and a benefit, I wouldn’t have a job.

WORDS HAVE MEANING.

Guys, do you think only Monty can see the ghost of Harper?

Just how many caves across the land do you think Murphy and Emori have had sex in?

Where my Chekhov’s serial killer Vinson at? Probably off reading “Leaves of Grass.” I luv him.

Monty’s tired of all this war shit. I feel you, bro.

It’s weird seeing fandom’s opinions of Octavia’s trajectory being all over the place. Some people think she’s going to make good. Whereas people like me think she’s going to spiral even further down. Uncertainty as this point is exciting. Nothing has been telegraphed.

Anyone else excited as fuck to watch Murphy and McCreary chew scenery together? And just how turned on will Emori get?

(I’m not saying threesome, but since someone out there is thinking it, I’m just doing us all a favor and mentioning it right here and now)

I simply cannot wait for Wanheda versus Blodreina or Blodreina versus Diyoza or Clarke versus (or working with) Diyoza – and the look on Bellamy’s face.

The downfall of leaders this year is going to be lack of vision.

The downfall of leaders this year is going to be lack of people who believe your vision.

It doesn’t warrant its own section but I wanted to mention that Eliza Taylor is oozing stress and concern over Madi’s well-being and it makes me so anxious, especially when Madi goes and puts herself in danger.

I intended for this review to be shorter. Work has been very busy and I’m killing the game this week, but I thought I’d lay off on myself with this review. 7600+ words later, I have failed.

TWEET/RETWEET: If you enjoyed this review, please share, retweet, or like it on twitter.

SPOTIFY PLAYLIST OF THE 100 MUSIC!: Hey people who like sounds entering your ear holes! I have a Spotify playlist, which is music from and inspired by The 100. You can find it right here and marvel at my musical tastes. I keep it up to date with anything featured on the show or in promos.

FINAL VERDICT!

“Exit Wounds”: 8.5 out of 10 fingers pokin’ around in gunshot wounds

There are some The 100 reviewers/recaps/writers you should absolutely be reading, and I offer them up for your enjoyment; I have no affiliation with any of them, save for being a fan:

Selina Wilken – a mix of passionate fandom and truly professional journalism.

Erin Brown – unfairly beautiful writing. Like seriously, stop being so good.

McKenzie Morrell – recapping her damn face off and great interviews with the cast!

Toni_watches – piss your goddamn pants hilarious photo recaps.

Jo Garfein – great fandom charity auctions.

Disclosure: this is my own indie site. This is on my time, my dime. Becho is endgame.

At this point can we just mark him down as “enemy of Wonkru?”

You are Wonkru or you are the enemy of Wonkru. Choose.

The 100 – “Exit Wounds” Review and Analysis I love great character moments. And this episode had ALL THAT and a bowl of grits. Clarke and Madi mother/daughter feelings?