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akfamilyhome · 5 months

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YouTube 2023 Year in Review

Welp! Guess it's that time of year again. I'm sure 2023 has been a...pretty interesting year to say for quite a few people. And for me personally, it's also been a weird little year that's great in some parts and could be better in others.

What have I been up to?

My life right now is kinda divided into three parts:

A) the "IRL" stuff, as in working on my editing day job and spending time with family.

B) working on YouTube videos which I still have the passion for,

and C) playing video games, collecting cool things and socializing with my online friends.

I've always felt that it's difficult for me to put equal attention to all three, and lately, it definitely feels like I'm focusing on 'A' and 'C' more. Of course, my day job is kinda how I make a living at the moment so that obviously gets priority, but that doesn't mean I want to ignore my YouTube stuff! It's just hard to sneak in a few lines of script-writing while multitasking at a day job, and only being able to freely spend time on 'B' and 'C' during night isn't the most productive way to go about things, especially with other things that aren't YouTube production. I also have games I want to play, art I want to draw, folks I'd like to hang out with etc.

And that's a fine, healthy way of going about things online for regular folks! But I don't want my YouTube channel to stagnate as a result of this, because I still love making videos! I have support from folks on Patreon, and I still hope to continue growing the channel so that it becomes more sustainable to do frequent updates.

Part of me has always thought about just quitting my day job once I have a decent amount of money saved up and just try doing YouTube full-time and rely on Patreon, even if there's a very low chance it'd be sustainable. Of course, that's a big gamble, and I'm not truly sure if that's really the best way to go about things. But those are just my inner thoughts and I've rambled long enough...

So, I apologize for the above situation sort of being the root cause of the recent slower pace of my YouTube channel! The pace of the channel this year is about the same as in 2022, if not a little slower. I didn't really get a lot of dormant scripts from 2020-2021 off the ground, but being true to what I said in last year's Year in Review, I did end up working on a lot of spontaneous ideas even if there wasn't a "big" core video! In fact, I think almost every video released in 2023 that we'll discuss below were spontaneous ideas.

I'll talk more about what's to come for the channel in the end of the post, but for now, as usual, we'll take a look at each video I made during 2023 and I'll share my thoughts and some fun facts about each!

A Trip to the Hong Kong Kirby Pop-Up Store

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Various things were put up on the channel from January to March, including a funny little short for Mario Day and a new trailer for a revamped Patreon, but the major thing I put out was a look at the Kirby Pop-Up Store in Hong Kong! This was my first time doing a scripted documentation of an in-person event, and Nintendo Hong Kong would eventually do more events like Nintendo Live 2023 Hong Kong, and I'll definitely be talking about them on my channel eventually!

As for fun facts...uhh...I suppose Patreon patrons get to see the full unedited raw footage I took from the event lol

Top 10 Nintendo Trivia You NEVER Knew

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This year's April Fools video...was also a last-minute sort of idea, if I recall correctly! The concept is simple: it's a parody of generic Top 10 trivia videos in terms of presentation, but the curveball is instead of just doing other blatantly obvious fun facts, the facts would actually be super obscure, inconsequential Nintendo facts that barely anyone would've known about, so in the end it's kind of a legit trivia video in a twisted way. The facts in the video were sourced from new research, me asking friends for suggestions and some of my old posts on Twitter, so there were a few 'fun' facts that were left on the cutting room floor, and here's a good place to share them!

In an early version of the GameCube instruction manual, Mario 64 was used as a placeholder game

The infamous 'black box' in Super Mario 64 DS is not a visual glitch as commonly believed, and briefly appears in E3 2004 footage

Prototype screenshots of Mario 64 have appeared in an early print of the game's box art...and on a Nintendo Monopoly board in 2006 (next to the ? Block on the right side of the board if you're looking)

The Onion in Hey! Pikmin has white and purple in its colors, even though white and purple Pikmin never appear in the game

The original 3DS had two separate sets of black & white colors, for some reason

And to finally come clean...yes, around 30% of the video's script was generated using ChatGPT, as part of the joke. Mostly the introductory bits at the beginning of each segment, since it definitely did not give me the results I wanted when I asked it to describe the specific details of each fact, so y'know, hopefully that's a sign it's not coming for my job of talking about obscure Nintendo things! And don't worry, this will probably be the only time I ever use AI in my videos.

The Better N64 Wavebird Experience

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This is a follow-up to a 2021 video where I also used the N64 Switch Online controller on an original N64, albeit with a different adapter! This actually isn't a case where I received a free product to do a review on, I just happened to read about a better alternative, pre-ordered it online, it arrived in April and I decided to knock out a quick review/comparison video in 2 days!

As such, this is more of standard informative review video, but in all honesty, I still really like this setup, and it's in my opinion still one of the best controller options for original N64 games. So much so, that I recently completed my NSO controller collection by picking up a Sega Mega Drive 6-button NSO controller to eventually use with my original Mega Drive! I'm still looking for the compatible 8bitDo adapter though, so maybe when I eventually do, that can be a quick little video on the Plus channel for patrons!

The Most Expensive amiibo

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This is my favorite video I put out this year! The Qbby amiibo has always been in my sights for a while, and I've gone on record saying that I'd make a video on it if I got my hands on one.

Back in 2019, I once saw a Qbby amiibo being offered on Yahoo Auctions for a relatively cheap price, but to afford it I asked for extra donations via Ko-fi. Looking back on it now there were probably better options I could've taken, but either way the listing got cancelled and I refunded everyone who donated for that. Then sometime later I saw another relatively cheap BOXBOY package in a local listing, but then the seller never replied and deleted the listing, so the amiibo has eluded me until now, and there seems to be no signs of Qbby stock going down any time soon. My hope for a Qbby reprint continues, and hopefully this video still serve as a little awareness boost for folks who are wondering why he's one of the most expensive amiibo around!

Some of the gag editing on this one got spruced up a little bit which I enjoyed doing, but you also probably noticed that I got a turntable specifically for those glamour shots! ...yeah, I'll probably get more use of that thing later on as well.

The Kirby Battle Royale online joke wasn't exaggeration: I couldn't find anyone to play online with! I suppose that is to be expected for, y'know, playing a mid 3DS game in 2023, but it's a shame that Kirby Battle Royale doesn't at least offer a option to play with friends, and from some experimentation, it seems that two of my US-based friends were able to match with each other online while I couldn't, which also suggested some region-based matchmaking was at play. Oh well! There are some better 3DS games out there that I'd still like to play online one last time before their servers shut down this April.

Tetris...on a McDonald's Nugget

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Continuing the trend of 'make video on a recent find' for the third video in a row, it's the China-exclusive McDonald's Tetris Chicken McNugget! For an unscripted Things of Interest video, it turned out pretty well, kinda like the Rhythm Tengoku arcade video in 2022! Compared to the first unscripted TOI back in like 2018, I've definitely gotten a bit better at rambling since.

I was kind of a few days late to the party, and some other videos about the Tetris Nugget from larger channels have racked up more views since, but that's not really the point! As a casual Tetris fan that happens to be in proximity to mainland China, something as bizarre as this is totally right up my alley. Covering China-exclusive gaming stuff just kinda reminds me that I have yet to do a video on the iQue Player though, which I really want to...

FlashBoy Plus: The $95 Virtual Boy Flashcart

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I haven't really taken a YouTube sponsorship deal yet, but I do get emails about doing reviews or ad reads of items on occasion, like new Switch gaming accessories from different third parties and whatnot. Unfortunately, that's not really the type of stuff I do regularly on the channel unless I find a great angle to tackle it from, so the only review offer I've done on the channel until now is a limited Switch physical release in 2020.

When I was offered to review the FlashBoy Plus, I was definitely intrigued despite having already previously covered the HyperFlash 32, a technically better option! Virtual Boy flashcarts are already a very niche thing, so I gladly took the opportunity to take a look at any new option out there, and even if it's not a mainstream topic at all it does kinda appeal to me specifically.

In the video, I mentioned the (very cool looking) clear cartridge shell was not a publicly available option yet at the time of the review, but looking at the order site now, it has been added since! So hey, good for them! It is honestly pretty sick to have a transparent Virtual Boy cartridge.

Playing PC Games with the SNES Mouse & Famicom Keyboard

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I started work on the next core video right after the FlashBoy Plus video (more on that in the last section), but getting sick during early December forced me to delay it, so for that month I decided to do one last spontaneous idea: a followup to the 2021 video where I used the Famicom keyboard and SNES Mouse on a computer...but this time on a proper PC!

A thing that was brought up in the comments was one setting in particular: when I was changing the mouse settings in the Control Panel, there was a 'Enhance pointer precision' option that I didn't uncheck, which presumably slows down the mouse for precise movements. There wasn't a super noticeable difference when I unchecked it during further testing, but when I coupled it with further increasing the mouse sensitivity in games that allow you to change it in-game, I was actually able to get the SNES Mouse to move at a decent pace in some games! Of course, that requires tweaking with additional settings that would normally be overkill for a regular mouse, so it's still not practical, but at least there was a setup that would alleviate some of my complaints in the video.

Akfamilyhome Plus videos

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Over on my second channel Akfamilyhome Plus, once again there's a variety of stuff! There's Mario Wonder memes, a new high quality video game rip album, archival footage and more. If there's one thing you should check out though, it's the supercuts of me playing Everybody 1-2-Switch with my Discord server. It's the best kind of chaos. Long live Kitchen Timer 4.

This year, 8 new unscripted bonus videos were released publicly! You can enjoy watching me:

Visit the 3DS eShop on its final day of operation

Check out the Nintendo DSi XL Demo Video carts

Look through gaming goodies on a Chinese second-hand market

Unseal Captain Toad Treasure Tracker for the 3DS

Read through the 2010 Nintendo Anti-Piracy Manual

Unbox a complete copy of the original GBA Play-Yan

Compare the two popular 3DS capture card models

And check out the Nintendo Power...rewritable cartridge!

And over on Patreon, 8 more exclusive videos are also available, featuring things like a slew of Nintendo cleaning kits, iQue DS games, the Chinese Mario Movie DVD and more! As always if you don't want to wait till some of them rotate into public availability, they're all available on Patreon for just $1 USD a month!

The fuuuuture

Okay, so what's next for 2023?

I mean 2024. Oh god the typos are already starting.

Right before the FlashBoy Plus video came out, in late June 2023, I did a video topic poll on Patreon, asking what idea I should do next. Out of the four options given, one of them is a continuation of a limbo project from 2021, and the other three were spontaneous new core video ideas I came up with and wanted to do.

Well, one of the spontaneous new ideas won the poll, so the next core video is...

A look at the camera and sound apps on both the Nintendo DSi and 3DS! I originally wanted to get this out in December, and you all know what happened to that plan, BUT the script is done, the VO recording is done, footage recording is well underway and I am confident I'll be able to get it out this January. I really like how the script for this one shaped up and am commissioning some banger thumbnail art for it (🐦), so I REALLY hope you'll look forward to it!

Afterwards, there are a few in-progress ideas that I also want to work on for quick videos afterwards. As mentioned above, I visited Nintendo Live 2023 Hong Kong which was hosted on November, and ALSO the Nintendo Hong Kong Pop-Up Store which is running from December to January, so both of those would make for a perfect video in a similar vein as the Kirby Pop-Up Store video last year!

I also went on a trip to Japan last August, and took quite a bit of photos and footage. I still want to share my findings and experiences of being in Tokyo for the first time that I could remember, so there will be a fun little piece about that going on the Plus channel in the future!

And don't forget, I'm making a video about every game I beat during 2023, continuing the thing I started last year!

And after ALL of the above is done, I still have the remaining core video ideas from the June Patreon poll I did, since I did say I'd eventually love to do all of them, and that desire still hasn't gone away. I don't know how the rest of 2024 will go for this channel but I'd say this is a fantastic starting point, and I hope it'll all go up from there, since I'd really love to be more productive on here, while trying to keep that A-B-C balance in check!

So yeah! That's it for the 2023 Year in Review. If you've made it all the way to the bottom, thank you for reading! Here's a 25-use invite link to my Discord server as a little something! Thank you to all of you who've supported me this past year, whether you're a viewer or a patron, and I hope to keep up the work this year and try to strive for better!

#akfamilyhome words #year in review #Youtube

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cakeboxie · 1 month

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Pardon my rambling. Illness of the mental flavour this fine four in the morning.

On one hand I want to post shit as soon as I’m done drawing but I also like keeping a queue bc then my account doesn’t die for 7-14 business days when my wrists act up not from an obligation to post just bc I like seeing people interact with my art and i know I could take a break and keeping a queue makes it so I can but also I love consistency and I just because I should take breaks doesn’t mean I like doing it and I think I may spend too much time on the internet but I’m not entirely sure what else to do with myself because what else is there to do for me as someone who can’t really go out or do most normal things. I suppose I could read but I already do a lot of that not even just fanfic I read a decent amount of novels im just horribly picky and I find the process of finding novels I enjoy exausting. I could write more music too but I already do that a lot and it’s debatable if that’s better because I end up obsessing over even minor flaws. I want to redecorate my room but I’m not sure if that’s a good idea or if I’m just tired bc I’m pretty sure I forgot to take my meds last night even though I slept what felt like a normal amount. I should also go to bed now bc I did take my meds and I know that’s definitely making my current situation worse but on the other hand I want to run. Which I know is a bad idea last time i tried to go for a run my legs gave out and I was stuck in the cold for 4 hours until my roommate woke up and could bring my wheelchair and I’m not sure when my knees got this bad. Like I could never run because I was asthmatic but it was a different kind of couldn’t like I could technically run it was just a bad idea because I’d have an asthma attack. But now I can’t because I’ll fall and won’t be able to get back up or I’ll be in such severe pain I can’t get home or one time I got lost and just kinda kept walking for almost 2 hours bc I forgot my phone so I couldn’t contact anyone and I shit you not I ended up in the neighbor town (it’s not that far and I didn’t remember crossing the highway either way) and after that I barely got out of bed for like a week. Not that I get out of bed often as it anyway and I think that’s why it feels like I spend too much time online. Because I only really remember being online because it’s the best part of my day. Like I know I have one irl I could be hanging out with but also that is so much effort and I love her dearly but it’s a different kind of yearning I think. I want to be normal just for like a day I want to have friends who want to talk to me and people to spend time with irl. But I also don’t. I don’t want people I don’t want friends and I know that. I want the romanticized version of friends that don’t have drama or problems or complexity and I think that’s why I value my online friends and my mutuals so much because it fills the social need without any of the issues that come with humans and I feel horrible saying that because I know my mutuals are human but online is comfortable and the block button is always a click away and I’m not afraid to use it but also I am because what if I’ve misjudged the situation not that I’ll ever ask.

Edit I’m expanding this because my brain has gone in a very irl dangerous direction and I need to keep my hands busy lest I do something fucking stupid. Sometimes I wonder how much my apathy shows and sometimes I wonder if it’s even apathy because I am apathetic in a clinical sense but I wonder if I’m exaggerating because I get bursts of excitement or feeling but it comes and goes in minutes like. Even then direction I was going isn’t out of and particular negative emotion it was a passive thought and I think that’s arguably more worrying bc instead of being jarring and worrying I considered making a catastrophically bad decision with all the care of someone picking want to have for breakfast. Maybe I’d feel better if I jerked off I don’t think that’s is a great idea but also there’s certainly worse options I’m wondering if this reads as much like a conversation as it feels because I don’t remember writing most of it but also reading it does sound like me but not and I don’t know why that is but I don’t want to think to hard on it so.

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ideahat-universe · 1 month

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I think now is a good time to tell you guys to stop sleeping on the original trading card game. Yes. I have been informed that TCG online is dead and Trading Card Pocket is upcoming but as a former player of multiple card games, I know that those games are going to be screwed by the two player combo of net-deckers and whales.

Unless you're willing to spend a fair amount of money or grind for free packs you aren't going to beat anyone on ladder and in casual it's more of a coin-flip than the actual coin mechanic.

At first it will be fine but it will be too easy to make an OP as hell card available for those willing to pay the packs to find it. Additionally the trading card game is completely poisoned by the speculator market that drastically overvalued a handful of cards as collectables that you can flip for big bucks.

With the Pokemon Trading Card Game, you just need a copy of the game (and lets face it, you're gonna wanna emulate it) and all the fun of the first three sets are yours to enjoy.

Having a hard time finding IRL people to play cards with? Well, PTCG has it to where almost everyone can be re-challenged. That means even in post game you can build a deck centered around a fun theme and then play a couple rounds with your favorite AIs.

But unfortunately you won't be able to play a round with your friend because you can't play co-op on emulators...

Psyche! My OldBoy! allows for local and remote play! You can either hotseat your turns which works perfectly well for a turn based game like this OR you can set up a server and a client or a bluetooth connection and play that way as well.

Additionally, The Miyu Mini Plus is retro multiplayer capable.

So now you can play multiplayer PTCG or play it alone at any time. If it's on your phone you can pull out your phone and play a match any time. Something came up while you were in the middle of a match? Don't worry about it. The game was designed in such a way to where it remembers your mid game match and allows you to continue from that point.

You've already played PTCG? I did hear that the game was finally released on virtual console but you have more options on an emulator. For instance, you can play the sequel which at this point has been fully translated, you can also play PTCG romhacks.

There is a randomizer, one that swaps the PTCG characters for Kanto ones, and even ones that retouch and add more cards to the game.

But if it makes you feel better, you can buy the version on Switch.

Now lets talk about some stuff that wasn't mentioned in the video above.

In a 2 hour video you expect to hear about almost everything that the game has to offer but in reality there was a couple things left on the cutting room floor. Like say. This.

Who is that?

It was a staff member at Creatures Inc if you can believe it. Early Pokemon experimented with a lot of really odd and eccentric choices and Imakuni campaigns were one of them. He never appeared in the traditional games or most of the spin off and never in the TV show but he did appear in the Manga and he did appear in the trading card games with a gag deck. He even had a series of cards based on him and his antics and as implied, those are unusable. This character only makes sense to Japanese viewers and was mostly left out of most products sent to America so this character appearing in the game with a unique sprite, walk cycle, cards, and his own theme makes him a complete anomaly to the few people that played the game back in the day. Internet wasn't very useful when this game was out so you just didn't know what this guy's deal was.

He randomly appears in the club rooms so maybe OP didn't actually see him during the entire play-through but it's hard to believe that he could be that unlucky as to never see Imakuni once. He mentioned that the video was re-edited so maybe he edited Imakuni out but he's here now in this post for you to enjoy!

Okay Oda. So there was a weird man that you can duel in your game? What else do you find interesting?

Well, remember how people often complained about the coin flips? I hated the coin-flips as well as the restrictive nature of needing to commit to a color so I developed a deck to counter that aspect of that game.

It's mostly a colorless deck with a couple of cards from every other type but the cards used can use any energy card to get off the ground (and I had multiple colors to occasionally benefit from using the correct energy card on the corresponding Pokemon).

Furthermore, none of the cards require good coin flips to get off to do the bare minimum. Aside from colorless green and red are the largest group of Pokemon with most of them having their evolution.

The rest are basics, Pokemon like Pikachu and Grimer don't have their evolution and are just jobbers mean to be played in the very early game or as stall so stronger cards can get their energy.

The fighting cards are the fossils Aerodactyl and Kabuto. Most of the time the Mysterious fossil is just a funny Pokemon doll but getting Aerodactyl out on a super slow deck dependent on evolution is kind of a win condition (it does stop you from evolving your pokemon so it has to be done with that in mind).

Another win condition is Scyther who just goes nuts if he's allowed to double his damage. Then there's Snorelax who shuts down status heavy decks. Lastly there's the Wigglytuff which easily gets full damage from Do The Wave as it's very easy for my deck to summon a bunch of basics to fill the bench.

Also there's a bunch of eevees. One for every evolution. False, there's actually 4 Eevees but only three evolution cards. Eevee isn't great on it's own but one Pokemon that can potentially evolve into three different hard counters for your opponent is pretty good.

I used that deck to beat the game and it's really hard to argue against it but maybe you do want to risk it all and flip a bunch of coins and do insane damage with Ninetails or Geodude, perhaps you want to kill your opponent very slowly with poison, Maybe you're completely evil and you want to win by stalling (Draw very little and play cards like Mr. Fuji and Energy retrieval to put cards back in your hand or in your deck).

Listen. There are going to be more cards in Pokemon Trading Card Game Pocket. It's a fact. You'll get to play with many more cards than will ever be in this title or its sequel. But you'll have to pay for something that really should be free.

And that's the freedom to construct your deck however you like. A couple hours grinding out AI opponents is a much smaller price than what could be hundreds of dollars opening card packs.

He's told you all about the game, I've given you a bit more. Now it's your move.

#video games #pokemon #card games #fandom #emulation #Youtube

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princip1914 · 4 years

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Princip -- you're the only other person I know who is a bit iffy on participating in zines. What are your reasons? I feel like we probably agree on some of them.

Hey RF! This is a great question, and a timely one. I have seen a lot of zine apps floating around Good Omens fandom recently. I imagine that those of us who, like me, love the fandom but aren't interested in participating in a zine might be feeling a bit left out. So I am answering this ask in part as a way to say: if zines aren't your thing, that's fine! It also goes without saying that if zines ARE your thing, that's fine too. I love that there are a wide variety of ways to participate in fandom, and I don’t mean to say one way is better than another. My goal here is just to articulate why I don’t feel comfortable participating in zines. So, here goes. It’s a long one, so my answer is under the cut.

1) Inclusivity: One of my favorite things about fan culture is how radically inclusive it is. Anyone can post something to AO3. It’s so easy! All you need is an email address and a story to tell. I love that. I LOVE that. What’s more, anyone can read anything on AO3. All you need is an account for works that are archive-locked and then the internet is your oyster. There are so few spaces in life that are like this. Almost everything--from where we live, where we go to school, where we eat and drink, who we know, what media we consume--has an element of exclusivity to it. Even other online platforms, like facebook or instagram, have algorithms to steer how content is experienced. Zines--which on the writing end have applications and mod teams, and on the reading end make content available only to paid subscribers for a period of time after publication--are exclusive spaces within the vast inclusive world of fandom. For me, the benefit of having something printed out, edited, thoughtfully formatted, etc. is not worth the exclusivity of the process.

I want to add here that I think there are many important conversations going on about how to make AO3 and other fan spaces even more inclusive (especially for creators of color and survivors of trauma). I think there’s still a ways to go, but that the ideal of what these sorts of spaces are supposed to be, is radically inclusive and that ideal matters.

2) Costs: I mentioned this above in my point about exclusivity, and I can already sense the notes piling up to remind me that many zines have a “pay what you can” option and make no profit and/or have the profit donated to a charity. I think those approaches to pricing are admirable. For many people, the act of raising money for a charity through zine publication may feel like an important and cherished part of fan culture. For me, however, it is important that my participation in fandom remain radically anti-capitalist. I never want money to gate access to my writing, which I do for free and for fun. This is also why I will never have a patreon or ko-fi account.

I recognize that this attitude comes from a place of relative privilege--I am financially secure and able to donate a portion of my income to charity each year. I have time to participate in service work outside of fandom. I understand that not everyone may be in this position and that zine work may feel important to some as a way to raise money for worthy causes.

3) Competitiveness: The world is a competitive place. I constantly feel pressure in my IRL life to perform better than others to advance my career. To some extent, I have internalized this drive and I wish I hadn’t. For me, fandom is a wonderful place where I am relearning the importance of doing something just for the joy of it, rather than to be the “best” at it. By not applying for zines, I am consciously choosing to keep my experience of fandom free of any comparisons with others (I would banish the AO3 stats page from existence if I could, but that’s another story).

4) IRL/Fandom Intersection: Unfortunately, I am not able to be open about my participation in fandom in IRL spaces. I know I will never buy a zine because I will never feel comfortable attaching a credit card with my IRL name to a fandom purchase, or revealing my IRL address for shipping. This sharp separation between my IRL life and my fandom life means that I (and others who maintain the same boundaries) will always be limited in our consumption of paid content and physically printed content. I would rather not contribute to a product that a portion of the fandom (including myself) is unable to access.

With all the zine applications coming out these days, I wanted to provide a voice saying that it is possible to have a great fandom experience without participating in zines. If you’re worried about missing out on the social aspect of participating in a zine, there are a myriad of ways to make friends in fandom--participating in an event, joining a discord server, messaging writers you like on tumblr (yes, even if you’ve never DM’d them before, most of us love meeting new people and starting conversations!), reading and commenting on others’ fics, replying to comments on your own fics, etc.

While these are my top personal reasons why I have never chosen to apply for a zine, I know that many people do enjoy them and I’m happy that the fandom is big enough for many different kinds of content!

At the risk of inviting ~discourse~ I would love to hear others’ (respectful!) thoughts on why they like or don’t like being a part of zines!

#long post #princip's musings #zines #asks

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rpbetter · 3 years

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a vent (feel free to ignore if it's too much!): so recently i've noticed psd makers getting anon asks on whether they're ok with people who write certain topics (mostly rpf, incest, rape, underage, the usual "problematic" topics) using their recourses. now, i don't roleplay any of these subjects on tumblr, so even if a content creator said not to use their stuff, it's not even something i need to worry about - but, and maybe this is me overthinking it, what if i, someday, write a noncon fanfic on ao3? i'm still not using their resources on the subject or writing it on tumblr, but i'd probably feel weird about it, like i'm crossing some boundary. what if a psd maker whose content i've already purchased suddenly goes "actually don't use my psds if you rp abusive relationships", which is probably the closest to what people consider "taboo themes" of the things that i roleplay. it just feels like a fine line between personal boundaries and a shitty situation for a customer - not wanting to cross boundaries but already having PAID for something previously, when no such rules existed. it's making me want to 1. block everyone i see saying this, because even though i don't personally roleplay the topics above, i don't feel SAFE around people who tell others what kind of fiction they are allowed to enjoy and 2. just quit using people's resources and spend years learning to make my own psds so i won't have to worry about this shit. it's just stressing me out, as someone who has been harrassed and bullied online for speaking against censorship. i've had literal sock accounts made just to spew targetted harrassment at me on twitter. i've been accused of being a pedo and supporting incest and this is??? literally for saying "i don't think real people should be harrassed for fictional shit", i've not even shipped underage or incest ships. both make me uncomfortable. but fuck, antis make me 1000000x more uncomfortable than people who ship these kinda ships. i digress, this got rambley, i just. do you have any advice on what to do with the potential psd situation, or am i really just overthinking it? (always worried i accidentally send stuff like this off anon. help)

I need you to know that I actually had to rush-scroll back up and just double check that you did submit on anon lol! I always get worried I'll miss the one person who accidentally didn't use anon, if it makes you feel any better! When someone does submit with their URL attached, I message them first to be sure they are okay with them having it posted that way/it wasn't an accident ;) That's what I would want someone to do!

Alright, so, anyhow...

I've also noticed that becoming a more common thing and it's been on my (maybe huge) list of things to look into for a bit because I really do try to make sure I'm not just noticing things in my areas of the RPC/failing to notice things that do not impact me. Since I do all my edits and graphics, it falls into the first category for me. So, thank you for moving that up the list and informing me that it really is more prevalent and not my imagination!

My take on seeing it was a combination of business logic and anxiety, not going to lie.

On the first: charging to do a psd that is just that, just a psd file being used as a template/to act as an easier version of a photoshop "action" in a way, that's 100% legal and fine. Absolutely no muddy waters there. However, charging to do things like icons, edits, etc. that include images of celebrities and stills from movies (or gifs) is quite muddy. Legally, it's not legal. It's a thing we're allowed to do and use (on most platforms) because we're not making money off of it, we're not claiming to hold rights to the images, and so on - it's ignored but illegal. Charging money for it, however, even when phrased as "for my time" (which, absolutely valid feeling), is a more serious form of illegal and potentially attention-getting. This all gets more iffy though when we add donation instead of direct commission/purchase when working with these copyrighted materials. You can ask people to donate and suggest a donation based on your time spent, and that is always what I advise people to do.

Okay, so, that preface is necessary because the thing about stipulating use-rights is that they're iffy, too, there are variables present.

Often, these same people are charging for things like icon packs as well, meaning that even if they're only charging you for a template-style psd file sans imagery they don't own, they've kind of shot themselves in the foot. Not to mention, it's exceedingly damn hypocritical to pitch a fit about someone violating your rights when you're literally using other people's copyrighted materials lmao And that does tend to occur to me, yeah, it's a consequence of attorney friends and running businesses.

The other issues with this are that usage rights have to be stated at the time of purchase and morality clause-style shit, as pertains to products, is not legally binding.

When you purchase something like a psd file, that purchase acts as a sort of contract.

Think of like...buying a photoshop brush set - the person selling it puts very simple rules as to its use, such as: non-commercial use only, brush pack cannot be resold or distributed for free, separate brushes from the pack cannot be resold or distributed for free individually. Meaning that you own the brushes you bought, but you are not legally allowed to make real-life money from anything you use them in, and you cannot send the whole pack or files individually to friends for free or charge other people for them. By buying these, you have agreed to these stipulations of use and ownership.

If the person sells psd's and you agree to what they've stated about the use (you can't use them to do commissions you make IRL money from, you can't give them away to friends, etc.), that's binding even somewhere as casual as RP Land. The exchange of real currency makes it that serious.

However, there are limits to stipulations of use! One of those things is when you agreed - this person cannot, even one literal second, later change their terms of use and retroactively hold you to them. If they were okay with you not crediting them anywhere or using them in works you will gift others or charge others something like game currency for at the time you purchased, then that's it. Tough shit for them, not you, when they decide a month later that they want credit given where the work appears, that they do not want finished products gifted, or don't want you to make even in-game currency from them.

And that absolutely would apply to the morality wank, yes.

Except that this very morality wank comes with its own issues. Reality is not tumblr. In reality, at least in most instances and countries, you can't throw in a fucking morality clause regarding the buyer, use of item, or finished product.

Think of this in this way: Chik-Fil-A starts denying chicken and waffle fries to anyone suspected of being queer. They're legally allowed to run their business (as a private business, everything does have variables) with some things that are morally objectionable that they feel morally aligns with their religious beliefs. They're not allowed to deny queer workers a job or queer customers service, however, in accordance with overarching laws.

While "being gross" online in fiction is not like, making anyone a protected status person lol this is just an extreme example to drive home the point. Legally, when it comes to items/products be they digital or physical, your rights and responsibilities as the seller don't include your moral policing.

What your right is, is to make people uncomfortable to a degree, yeah. You absolutely can do that. You can state some nasty shit about prospective buyers you don't want. For example, they should (I mean, they should just grow up and get some real concerns, but) be stating that they would not like to see their psd's used by people on this following DNI list of idiocy, and they will block those users if possible to prevent interaction and purchase. That's really it, that's what they can do and the least immature way to proceed.

On the second: none of this logic would make me feel comfortable about interacting with them and their psd's in the future once they had outed themselves as morally objectionable and dangerous to me with this nonsense. And I would still feel anxious about using things I had previously bought because once harassed...it doesn't really go away, does it? It would just give me some ease about the latter with things I'd already made. Like, I could keep using the icons I'd made with those psd's with a little bit more comfort knowing that they honestly have not a leg to stand on outside of their harassment.

I might have the tendency to respond to harassment without much upset, but that doesn't mean I want to be harassed. Especially when I am not doing anything that draws that kind of attention. Not that harassment is warranted over anything, but when I make a PSA or answer an ask that I know is likely to get their attention and piss them off? That's an acceptable risk I am knowingly taking. When I'm just going about my life as a RPer, it isn't.

So, I don't feel like you're overthinking it or being too concerned! In no way did you sign up for getting unwanted attention, and because it has happened before, of course, you're trying to insulate yourself from having it happen again. That's totally reasonable!

Now, what you could do about it...

It's another of those situations in which we're only truly capable of controlling ourselves. Everyone else is kind of a NPC.

You don't have to do anything I'm suggesting, but these are things I would do!

I would block the shit out of anyone saying these things/trying to make them stipulations, yes.

By that, I mean that I would also visit blogs they appear to interact with and they'd be blocked as well. We can all reblog something like resources or a shit post from a user we do not agree with without realizing it, but when it's frequent reblogs, direct support, and friendly vibes going on, it's safer to assume that they are aware their friend sucks. More importantly, that they do not think their friend sucks and support their views.

Even if that is not the case, do you want someone else's repeated inattention to expose you to bad actors? Nope! So, don't run the risk of paying and otherwise interacting with the one resource blog in the group that doesn't express these views/"requirements," but does involve themselves with those who do.

Try to find people selling these resources, that are not connected to the problem ones, who do not have those views. Once a trend starts, it is very hard to stop until it has run its course naturally, so, this might be difficult and take some extreme effort. You might want to consider asking like-minded friends who use psd's where they got them so you can check those users out for yourself.

If they're all the same, problem, people...

Look for users well outside of your corner of the RPC(s) who are not asking to be paid. I know it sounds wild, but there really are RPers out there who just enjoy making things for others! I can think of at least one right off on my dash. They might not be advertising for doing psd's or psd packs, but either they might be willing to do so (especially if they do not appear policing-positive) if you explain what is going on, or they could at least fill some requests for you for fully made icons and such. Hell, people who love doing this work usually know others who do as well, and anti-policing people quite reasonably stick together. They could have suggestions for someone not vile selling psd's.

Depending on what it is you want your psd's to do, I promise you that it wouldn't take you very long to learn it. I know...I know lol that's both really easy for me say when I've been doing it for over twenty years and am about to piss some people off. The latter because the most common settings on popular psd's are extremely simple shit, a lot of that is the kind of thing you're expressly told not to do in design work. Like ramping up extreme contrast, pixelating the fuck out of an image, and turning up the primary colors only. Once you get to playing with photoshop or an equivalent, you will totally see what I mean. You can accidentally make an icon look identical to something that is on trend in the RPC. If that was what you were going for? You've hit the mark, and it's just repetition and tweaking it here and there!

Once you start playing with it, too, it's actually pretty intuitive when it comes to the basic things like resizing, adjusting colors and contrast, and doing easy effects like blurs and sharpening. Frankly, playing with it is better than half the tutorials you'll find because they get unnecessarily complicated when all you want to do is crop your muse's face, overlay some color, and add a damn dotted border. Listen, like I said, I have a lot of experience...and I find many tutorials frustrating and overwhelming!

It is not just you, you're not dumb or anything. People get very comfortable with something and when they try to explain it to others, they use terms and methods that are more advanced or specific to them than they realize. That's all!

If you have friends who make their own things, ask them some very basic questions about what you want to do. They know you, so, they'll know better how to explain to you, specifically. Just keep it simple until you've had some time to experiment! Ask things like, "I want to take this image, resize it to be an icon, and add an orange tint to the image while sharpening only my muse's features...how would I do that? Easy mode?"

And! You don't even have to pay for photoshop or pirate it anymore! Photopea is as an exact copy as possible entirely located in your browser for free. It's all overwhelming at first, a real case of too many options and ways to do the same thing, but the only way it gets less overwhelming is just diving into it. Dive in, get a little frustrated, have some successes, make some awesome discoveries, it gets a bit addicting in short order. Then, the tutorials and tips are so much easier to figure out and expand on, too.

If you'd like, you can always send me a pm here and ask me. I'm happy to try to explain how to do things, zero judgment or impatience. Just an additional option if you both decide to try learning and would feel comfortable doing that. Zero judgment as well on not wanting to do either of those things!

Okay, this one is much harder than learning PS basics because it's honestly a bit terrifying...the way these people are, they're going to take issue with you no matter what you do, and in the end, if they notice you and feel like bothering you, they will. There's literally nothing you can do about it. All you can do is try to buffer yourself, stay away from them, and be aware that you are not the problem.

Like with the AO3 thing or writing what could be viewed as toxic relationships. You can never write or be interested in a single, solitary thing that they're on about (and accusing you of doing in real life when the burning Eye of Moron turns your direction), but to them, you supporting the right of other people to do so is just as bad as doing it yourself. To them, the toxic relationships not only would be problematic, they'd be problematic enough. Being uncomfortable with their policing and feeling unsafe because of it is, to them, a red flag of how problematic you are. Writing anything they've deemed objectionable (or reading or viewing it, for that matter) anywhere, doesn't have to be on this platform or RP-adjacent, doesn't have to actually utilize any of their materials, is enough.

They're absolutely including you in who shouldn't use their shit. That's part of the "logic" and methodology of policing. Everyone is problematic, so, everyone can be labeled a pedo and harassed without too many people getting up in arms about it. No one is safe, so, everyone better behave. You don't actually have to be engaging with or enjoying things like underage, non/dubcon, rape, abusive relationships, etc.

It's gross, it's bullying, it's actually a problem...and there isn't much you can do.

All that is truly up to you is making an effort to avoid them, though, this is very often unfair and likely to get more unfair as resource blogs of all sorts deal in it more. At least, in this case, you do have some small bit of actionable power - by not ever buying from them. They wouldn't be charging if they did not either need or want the money, not giving it to them is a bigger hit than things like simply unfollowing/blocking, reblogging PSA's, and so on is!

Nope, it isn't like you're denying them some extreme amount of money by yourself, but every three, five, ten dollars is felt pretty hard when you desperately need money and/or are saving for something.

I know, I mean, I personally do know, that it's impossible to "get over" bullying, Anon. I'm in no way telling you to just get over it and move on, find some great well of not caring somewhere! What I'm saying is that there is power in not giving them power. The power to make you anxious, uncomfortable, unsafe, when you have every right to be here doing your thing and are not hurting anyone. And it might seem to be a deeply contrary sort of logic, but realizing and accepting that there are people out there who irrationally dislike you for literally no reason, that you cannot infallibly escape or avoid, despite doing nothing wrong is a bit empowering. Because it puts into perspective the things you can control, and when we know what is in our control, it's easier to just enjoy our time here without constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. If it drops, we can go put it back in the closet where it belongs.

It starts to put a positive spin on the whole, damned if I do, damned if I don't feeling, if that makes sense? I'm probably way too tired to try to be explaining this lol I'm sorry!

Anyway, again, I'm not implying you can or should do any, let alone all, of those suggestions! I just really hope that something will help you feel even a little bit more at ease. It's an unfair situation, it isn't right, and you have every reason to be uncomfortable and stressed. If I could make it happen, you better believe that every policing asshole out there would be writing heartfelt apology letters and sending donations to everyone they've upset lol but...since I can't make that happen, all I can do is say what I, personally, do, would do, or have done.

#answered #anonymous #purity police #resources #rp advice

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shijas · 3 years

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hi chel! i hope this is ok to ask but if it isnt, you dont have to answer. lately, ive been struggling with my writing. i do still enjoy writing, but i find myself doubting myself more often. i sometimes wonder if what im writing is realistic to how the characters would act, or if my writing is embarrassing. i started posting my works on ao 3 more recently and... while my writing gets a somewhat decent? amount of attention, ill see other works with a lot of engagement and wonder if im doing

heyy nonny! ofc this was okay to ask!! firstly, i totally feel you. it’s completely natural to have moments when you’re unsure and dissatisfied with your writing. if you still enjoy the process of writing, then that’s great! i want to make it clear that your feelings may linger but they will pass!!

i talked about this in an ask on my writing blog once but my three biggest writing tips are: “a first draft is a first draft”, “if you’re writing is indulging you then it’s met your target audience” and “as long as your characterisation is consistent to how you feel about the character everything is fine”.

i think, especially, when you’re writing fanfiction that these are things that you keep in mind! when characterising characters, i can’t personally tell you whether how you feel and thus write about them is ‘correct’ or not! no one can, because the lens of which you read and write them is dependent on your whole life worth of experiences!! and this is fine!! you don’t have to write characters exactly as they are in canon, and in all honestly no one truly expects you too. people read fanfiction because they want other interpretations of a story/characters that they love!! as long your characterisation is consistent to you, rather than realistic to someone else’s standards i think you’ll be okay!

now, posting on ao3 is always a double edged sword, and once again, i totally get where you’re coming from. i think everyone who posts semi frequently has a work that they love, which gets barely any attention, and other works that maybe are more of a joke or a quick thing that do surprisingly well. sadly, you can’t force readers or engagement, you can only put your stuff out and hope. if your numbers seem small and the engagement does seem low in comparison to other people, this doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing something wrong and as hard as that is to internalise or believe, please trust me on this!! i’ve read many a fic with barely any interaction and they’ve been brilliant, likewise i’ve read a lot of fic with a whole bunch of engagement that i personally didn’t enjoy.

a quick initial solution that helped me when seeing numbers really started to bog me down was using the site skin that removed all statistics from every work, my own included. this meant that i could still read fics, but i wouldn’t see anyones numbers, and it also meant when i went on my own page i was forced to look at my works for what they’re about rather than how “well or not” they did by numbers.

another thing that really helped me was advice from a tiktok i can’t currently find which basically said: “30, 60, 100 views might not seem like a lot on the internet, but imagine if that many people walked into your room and saw what you’ve created. they chose to come and see what you’ve created. 15, 40, 60 likes may not feel like a lot but imagine if that many people who had walked into your room to see what you’ve created and told you they liked your work. it would be pretty overwhelming.” i think there’s a really important message in that tiktok. every view, every kudo, comment and bookmark — even if it’s few — is an individual who chose to take a look at your work! they wanted to read it! some of them felt brave enough to kudo and tell you they enjoyed it! some of them were even braver and left a comment saying what they enjoyed! sure, it can feel underwhelming in comparison, but people are engaging, people do care and like your work!

the only person your writing has to be ‘good enough’ for is yourself! and if you enjoyed writing it then external numbers are just a bonus, no matter how big or small!! dissatisfaction is natural and expected from time to time, like i said earlier it will pass. sometimes it’s even a good thing, because if you finish something but feel dissatisfied, that might motivate you to write another draft, or redo a section or take a section out or add a section in! as long as this process is because you want to and it’ll make you happier with your work that’s good. if it’s draining it might be a hint that you should take a break from that project and try something else that you enjoy. you can always comeback. and on that note your ao3 and the fics you post there are not set in stone. if one day you decide you want to revamp a fic, do it! that’s allowed! it’s not a printed published fic! just hit that edit button and change at your hearts content. no one will mind! if anything those few people who might love you fic may be super happy that when they reread it, there’s something new or things have changed a bit!!

i’m really lucky that i have a friend that is not only is doing an english degree but writes fanfic herself, and other friends who frequently read fics and hc stuff over shared fandoms, so there’s always someone there to read my stuff — if you’ve got irl friends that are in your fandom spaces that you trust, i say subject yourself to the mortifying ordeal of being known and talk to them about it!! writing fics in isolation can be pretty hard!! online, i think if you’ve got the nerves to handle it (i do not OTL), twitter is a great place to interact with other writers!! my tips are maybe follow some of your fave writers and try and strike up a conversation?? be wary of the numbers again on twitter!!! similarly, if you do have a tumblr, talk to some of your favourite writers on here, and follow some writing/ao3 based blogs to see whose in the community! apparently there’s even discords for writers these days, so if you’re up to it that’s a great shout. if we’re in overlapping fandoms i love hearing people’s hcs so you can always throw them at me here or on my writing blog!!

i’m sorry that my reply got so long!! i hope that in some way it helps you even a little!! i’m sure you’re writing is pretty amazing and that it’s only going to get better the more you read and write!! have a great day nonny, and good luck, you can push through this!! 💗

#this gucci!!#writers woes on main

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ikdrama · 3 years

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≫❥ hi, hope everyone's doing good. so um i've been inactive on tumblr for a long time for many reasons; whether it was 'cause of losing interests, life getting in the way, etc. i neglected this blog and kept leaving and coming back. i've been on this platform for years now and kept switching between other platforms for the times i've been mia on here. i've tried out instagram, then came back to tumblr, but switched again. i changed between interests—from photo editing to gif making to graphic design to video editing and now back to using photoshop again for making gifs, hopefully. for topics from kdramas to kpop to western back to kdramas, etc.

≫❥ however, i feel like tumblr still holds a space in my heart closer to home unlike instagram. perhaps because it's where i initially started out that i grew more attached to this platform. also maybe i'm getting older and most people on here are the og ones, they're more at the same age range as me, unlike instagram. age has never been an issue to me, i have friends who are much younger than me and those who are older (but mostly young ones) and they all are very dear to me. but i guess i just needed some friends with a closer age range too.

≫❥ i have made some lovely friends on here and i'm forever grateful for those sweet times. however, over the years when i abruptly left tumblr, i had also lost touch with them. so, i might have no friends left on here which saddens me a little but that's all on me and it's okay, i can always try getting in touch with them again, right ? but i'd love to make new friends and reunite with my old ones, so please feel free to message me anytime you wanna be friends, my dms and askbox are always open <3 (doubt anyone's reading this at all lol but it's worth the try i guess heh).

≫❥ anyways, what i'm saying is, i'm coming back this time for real, or at least try making a better effort into taking good care of this blog. i used to be a content maker (mostly creating gifs) but stopped at some point and only rb posts now. frankly, over the time dramas would have a less impact on me, i wouldn't be as much interested in them as before and switched interests but then again came back to them, just now i'm not up-to-date with the on-air ones, i would watch a drama that i find being interested in, so it's random and inconsistent, i don't watch a lot of dramas like i used to (surely my list of watched dramas became quite poor too oof). but i do watch some every once in a while when i find the time and am in the mood for it. my personal favorite genres nowadays are thriller/action/fantasy/comedy dramas with slight romance (teenage romance makes me cringe now when watching those, idk maybe i'm just getting old lol).

≫❥ but another reason to why i stopped creating content was also because i was too focused on whether my post reaches a wider range of audience ? i would get scared it wouldn't get much attention compared to the time and effort i would give into working on my original content. surely, this would bring the content creator down but at the end of the day i chose to be here because i find joy in making the content i wish the world to see and it's still okay if the whole world wouldn't see it as long as i shared it on my blog and me myself am satisfied with what i'm posting. this applied to all the platforms i would use as a content creator. so, one day i just stopped looking at the numbers. and my mind was much more at ease. now every time a post of mine blows up or it would get more recognition than usual, it would make me happy inside and i would be grateful but on the other hand if it would flop, i wouldn't care anyway and still be okay. and why is that ? well, that's because life comes in the way. other things happening irl outside of social media would keep my mind busier than having myself wasting my time by sulking over some digital numbers online. and i guess that's when one's perspective on wanting to gain more recognition on social media changes.

≫❥ anyways, i went a little off topic there heh. so, my blog would mostly consist of the dramas i've already watched or the ones on my watch list or if i find a pretty gifset, i'd rb it too :) i'm rambling on for too long now, oh god, my apologies (i mean i doubt anyone's reading this but that's fine, it's like more for me to get this off my chest).

≫❥ i guess with this post i'm trying to announce that i'll be back to this blog being more active with rb posts and i will also start making content again, but this time it'll be mostly different from the content i've been making so far. my usual content would be creating simple gifsets of scenes/dialogues but i've come across so many artistic and beautiful gifsets that i'd like to give it a try. also since i'm not up-to-date with on-air dramas, making gifsets of the dialogues and scenes from those dramas wouldn't happen—by the time i'd start those dramas people would have made gifsets of the scenes already anyway. this would mean for that kind of content i would give in a much greater effort into making the gifs looking more artistic/aesthetic and that's why i'd post less of my original work. but i'll still try to keep the blog active by rb other people's posts in q of course. however, right now my life is a little bit of a mess, i'm standing on a thin line between education and career, so i'd need some more time to sort this mess out first and then i'll change things up with my blog. i'm excited to come back though; this blog is still getting love from people even at times when it was completely dead and it's still growing which surprises me a lot and i am truly thankful for each of your support. i feel like i don't deserve this, i've been a terrible owner. but i'm willing to change that once i get my life atm together hahah.

≫❥ though i'm not sure how tumblr works now with the changes over the years, i'll just do me and somehow try and revive this blog again. i come back on here because i feel content browsing my dashboard seeing all these beautiful posts on here and i truly wish to come back to being a content maker like these wonderful artists too.

≫❥ ngl, i miss getting on/off anon asks in my askbox (although i wouldn't get that many but it still made me smile every time i received one no matter what it was about as long as it wasn't offensive <3). i missed talking to my friends and people on here. i missed rb ask game posts and get excited whenever someone reacted to it. i miss posting original content and reading other users' tags and them fangirling about a certain topic. i missed the times when i was interactive with my followers/mutuals. i miss the old times on tumblr. when i would have friends on here and a community that was warm and supportive. i wish to experience all of that again.

≫❥ lastly, thank you for listening (if you're still here, doubt so though hah) and so sorry you had to read through this all, i rambled on too much i guess oof. but if you're reading this please know that you're an amazing person. hope we could become friendsʕっ•́ᴥ•̀ʔっ~♡

。.❁stay beautiful:·ﾟ*

·☾ﾟir。

#personal #did not expect this to be that long but um hi hello let's be friends;w;#<send me anything nice in my askbox on/off anon & i'll wuf u 4eva:3 #announcement #ily

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selfcareparker · 3 years

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LMAO YOU ACTUALLY PUT THE TW VIOLENCE HAHAGDSHS

so the better university is in germany.. you already live in germany.. but germans aren't good as good at english lol and lemme get this straight- UNIVERSITY IN GERMANY IS- wait shit Imaooo i read that wrong, I THOUGHT IT WAS 75¢ HDJSHS like 3 quarters😭 but that's still less expensive compared to the US, 75€ is about 90$ here... i just googled it and (apparently) college is typically around $27,000 in my state (22,588€ i think lol) but wowee gee whiz. i think waiting till you’re physically there is the best decision though, just really seeing how it is, how you like it and stuff. BUT WAIT Imao i'm rereading what you said as i'm responding, but the university sounds good!! hopefully your professor isn't the one writing the english on the website Imaoo. your english is fine hdhsjsh & why are you up at 3am😭

i'm literally jumping around udhsj but no that did absolutely make sense hahah i just really enjoy talking to you & wanted to tell you what's up lol but yay we're around the same age hdhagajs

+ yes i have !!! thank you LMAO I BET YOURE NOT THAT BAD JHDJS that whole paragraph actually made me laugh. dude i could neverrr write a script where people have to act it out? lmao it would not be pretty (though i need to work on that) well if you’re not good at acting, you’re hella good at writing (I FINISHED THE ENTIRETY OF UR PETER MASTERLIST AND I AM EMPTY & I AM SCREAMING- i’ll send in another ask on my favorites and all my replies bc WAH they had such an affect on me.......... it’s not ok. like affectttt)

HAHHAA “trash garbage” yea... she was helpful in helping me get my first lead on stage but yea that school as a whole was pretty 💩 but honestly thank youuu <3 my new favorite thing? “thump them in the eye with a sharp metal rod” i think i have one in the basement LMAO

that was a joke...... i think this will also need a tw..... but all my asks are messy lmaoo- not me missing the heritage thing in the tags: that’s so cool!! i’m guessing you’ve been the england since your mom is british? knowing two languages sounds so cool😔 and you speak really good english btw (is that rude-) OOHH so you’re german bc you were born in germany but none of your blood family is german & ur mom is british? bRO that’s so cool like literally 😎 i wanna travel so bad and the UK is first on the list (probably in two years.. i do really wanna study abroad or be a foreign exchange student or something) then Jamaica (bc that’s where my mom is from and i’ve never been) and then all the pretty countries lol

have a good day/night idk lol it took me really long to write this + idk why jdhsjshsj

- lovely anon 🥰

OKAY HI OMG (I was about to say giiirrrl but i never asked for your pronouns or anything so let me know if it’s okay if i say giiiiirl in the future lol)

I saw this at 3 am and got so excited lol but my sleeping schedule has been so awful lately that I forced myself to sleep instead of replying to this 😔

Okay so... if you put it like THAT then yes, the university in germany sounds a lot better lol. But yeah like you said I won’t fully decide until I’ve actually been to university (well, it’s online but ykwim) and that starts in april and honestly i can’t wait sksjshh but yeah i’m like 90% sure that i’ll be staying here already. And yes let’s pray that it’s not one of my professors who writes the shit on the website sishshg😭

also what you said about wanting to be a foreign exchange student or studying abroad... i felt that. but even if i end up studying in germany, with my degree, you have to either do an 8week programme (program? idk) where you go to an english speaking country,,, or you do a whole semester studying abroad so i’ll probably go to england one way or another lol and i can always do my masters in the uk (if i do a masters degree i haven’t even figured out what i’m doing this year let alone in three years loll)

Also I really have to stop saying lol so often lol

Also I have to stop saying also at the beginning of every sentence lol

Also (😔) i enjoy talking to you too 👉🏼👈🏼 you don’t know how happy i get whenever i see that you sent me an askd sjsjhshshs

And yupp i used to go to england like three times a year but because of cov*d i haven’t seen any of my english relatives since 2019🥺🥲 BUT the uk is so so so nice i love London but I also love the country side and esp the north of england 🥰🥰🥰 (that’s where most of my relatives are) and yes you deffffff need to visit one day!!!!!!!

Also (also is such a good word tho sksjsh) likeee i definitely don’t think it’s rude when people say my english is good dkdhsg so thank you 😌 but if you heard me speak english irl, i don’t have a german accent or anything and i’m 100% fluent but writing like this is different because it’s like... it’s not an essay so obviously not every sentence has to be 100% grammatically correct but i always worry that, because people know english isn’t my first language (only because i’ve told them), people think my english is bad and that i’m making mistakes when really it’s normal to just.. not use 100% grammatically correct word constructions all the time if that makes sense...? (I don’t think it does 👁👄👁 this was the worst paragraph i’ve written in my life i’m SORRY ksjshs, usually i’d delete this but i feel comfortable talking to you so even if it doesn’t make sense i’m not deleting my rantssjshsh)

And yup, speaking multiple languages is (in my opinion) one of the coolest things ever, i’m fluent in english and german, i had latin from year 7-12 so even though it’s not a language that people speak anymore, learning latin was one of the coolest experiences of my life (which sounds so lame dkshshs) because obviously in all the roman languages soo many words come from latin, so sometimes when i hear/read words in languages that i don’t even speak i can tell what it means thanks to latin. I can also kindaaaaaaaa speak/understand italian (where like 90% of words are the same as in latin or even some english and german words so i never had to study the vocabulary in school skshsh) and a liiiiiiittle tiny bit of french and serbian. I know quite a few people who speak 3+ languages because a lot of my friends are the same as me and have parents who aren’t german so they speak their dad’s language, their mum’s language AND german and it’s like the most fascinating thing in the world for me

I HAVE TO STOP TALKING NOW I’M SO SORRY WHATDKSKSJSNSMHDS

And ooohhhh my mum’s best friend is from Jamaica and my mum has allllll these beautiful pictures from when they went to jamaica together when they were younger (goals)🥺🥺🥺 so i really hope you can visit one day✨✨✨ (i wanna go to jamaica too one day sksjs but i think it’s even cooler if you’re like actually jamaican obviously and it’s linked to your heritage)

OKAY THIS IS LONGER THAN SOME OF MY FICS I AM SO SO SO SORRY SKSHSBAKSKSHSJAHAHABA but i enjoy talking to you so i shouldn’t really apologise but still like what was the point of all my rambling? Nothing basically dksjsh also I feel like i keep talking about myself but idk what to say and likeee i don’t even know, so how has your life been since covid? (That’s My attempt to ask about YOU lmao tell me whatever you want about yourself sksjsh)

Okay byeee 💖💖💖💖💖

Edit: i realised i haven’t said anything about you finishing/reading everything on my peter masterlist AHSJSKKSBSBSSBSB thank you thank you thank you, sooo i can’t promise anything but i will most likely post a new fic this weekend... but idk if it’s going to be good? I randomly started writing it last night and i definitely like the plot but i’m always so insecure about my actual writing and wording but yeah... ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

#lovely anon #<3 #tw violence #who even needs to put a tw for violence on a last like this 😭😭#*post #lmaodnsjshsh i love us #okay it felt so weird when i kept writing ‘mum’ bc obv i’m british and have a british accent and everything but i don’t actually call my mum #mum #i call her mama bc it’s german (and probably sounds so weird if you’re english/american)#so i’m tempted to say mom #but really i would say neither mom nor mum so... sksjsjsjhshs #oh god i’m so sorry that you have to put up with me ahahaha ily #why am i nervous ab posting this dkdksmshs #sorry there are probably 16 sentences in this post that dont even make sense

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zetheweirdo · 4 years

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Welcome to part 2 of how Ze rants on why she hates her mom sometimes.

(Pink is mom, purple is me)

Okay, so update on the friend first of all:

He isn’t genderfluid rather a trans boy. There was a misunderstanding between the two of us. He told his parents and they are a bit.. iffy abt it.

Anyways, so I told my parents that yesterday morning and to use he/him pronouns for him from now on.

They were initially like ok whatever. But my mom had that trademark ‘I am so fucking worried for no reason face.’

I have other friends that are LGBTQ+ btw, my other best irl friend is pan and many other identities as once. And my mom knows that they are pan.

Not to mention my many LGBTQ+ online friends and/of coworkers she doesn’t know exist.

So one day we’re just walking at a publix store later that day and my mom says this:

“Are you cis?”

Easy question, I say yes. I am AFAB, and I identify as female. Therefore I am a cis person.

“N-no, are you a cishet?”

I answer “I don’t know”. Because I barely know my sexuality. Like at all. (I know I am ace-spec however, but idk where)

And she gets. So mad. She wasn’t yelling but she was lecturing me about how she can’t live with society these days and labels. Also how she hates my friends. Like, what? The transmasc friend is my only friend in my after school group, I would be screwed without him. The other LGBT irl friend is my emotional support friend. Again, would be screwed without her as well.

Like what?? What is wrong with you letting people be who they fucking ARE!?

And then she acts me who I am attracted to. I say

“I don’t know, But I’m pretty sure all the ‘crushes’ I’ve ever had were fake, so most likely nobody.”

like a fucking idiot.

“Do you want to have a family?”

“Yes, I want kids.”

“No, I mean a family with a husband.”

“Why does that matter?”

“Because it would be so much better to have a husband around.”

I don’t rlly reply to that because I was just sick of her shit.

“You just haven’t found the right person yet.”

.......

................

ARE YOU

FUCKING

KIDDING ME.

IT DOES NOT WORK LIKE THAT.

Aaaaughhhhhhh

And then she BRINGS UP ONE OF MY FRIENDS OUT OF NOWHERE.

(I am censoring deadnaming and using the wrong pronouns cuz that makes me sick.)

“*censored* is just confused, do *censored* really think *censored* is a boy?”

“Yes, because he is one, and his mind was born that way.”

“Born that way, schmorn that way, *censored*’s sick in the head.”

“No, he’s not. It’s who he is and I would want you to respect him”

“Do you really think this is normal??”

“Yes. Yes I do.”

We were just.. silent for a while and it never got brought up again.

But mom.. why. I explained to you some things and I can explain more but all ya gotta do is complain and be a fucking Karen abt this... just let my friends be. Yes they’re young but that doesn’t mean they can be themselves.

Also, my mom mocked me for not wanting to be hugged w/o consent, and yelled at me for having things I forgot were there and for being “messy”. (When it looked fine to me.) So yes. Mom. Shut the fuck up.

She doesn’t even understand boundaries. We have an argument, I’m pissed, it blows over. I need to spend time alone. I don’t want you mocking me or my comfort characters. Ok? (I have a self-made Kaito Momota poster in my room and she was also mocking it.)

This is why I don’t tell you about my job, my friends, my anything. Cuz whenever I do open up to you you act like this....

EDIT: SHE JUST GUILT-TRIPPED ME-

Whenever she does smth wrong and I get pissed she says.

“I guess you deserve a better mom.”

I NEVER EVER reply to that shit via text. I reassure her otherwise irl.

Just.. what’s the point. I don’t understand. Own up to ur mistakes. And she just said I didn’t care. I just don’t like her guilt-tripping me???

Edit edit: she owned up to her mistake.. of guilt-tripping.. and nothing else.

#ze talks #tw vent #vent mention #tw transphobia #transphobia mention #tw aphobia #aphobia mention

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animecat33 · 3 years

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I’m in a mood, so here’s some an extremely long post with shit conflict that happened on deviantart when i was younger that i’m still petty about and i wanna vent about it because if i wasn’t so young i woldn’t have let people step on me like that

No one should read this, tbh, it’s a fucking horror show out here

oc: Shinju

When i made her it was the first time one of my ocs had like effort put into it, i designed her, make her backstory, put her in kirigakure, and i spent a long time researching names for her, looking up japanese words that i think would fit her, Ren Takeo

One person commented saying that they had an with the same name, from the same village, though they didn’t mean any harm by saying that, and even said it was fine

Here’s where it gets tricky.

I then got comments and private messages from OTHER PEOPLE telling me to change the name

So, like the weak bitch i was, i changed her name

Oc: Roxy

I’ve talked about this one before, but i have this sonic oc named Roxy, i loved her, she was a bit edgy but like, queen, 10 years ago we were ALL edgy

I really wanted Roxy to be a lesbian, but i didn’t like, put that in the info, at the time gay ocs we’re really taken very well by the community, plus a few of my art friends were very iffy anytime i implied that some of my ocs might not be 100% straight.

now, i WANTED Roxy to be a lesbian but i was guilt tripped by some dude to roleplay with him, no matter now many time i said i didn’t roleplay, he wouldn’t take no for an answer and I was very easily guilt tripped into eventually saying yes

A roleplay starts with Roxy and his Male wolf characer, John, when we started he assured that they were gonna be friends but one thing lead to another and he pressured me into role playing a sex scene, i was 14, i didn’t want to, didn’t even know how to write that. At that age i hadn’t really even seen porn before, but a few days of mowing down my boundries and he guilt trips me into saying yes.

At that point, he essencially took Roxy and did whatever the hell he wanted with her. Next thing i know, Roxy was married to this male character and they had a baby? I even ended up making some art of them because he kept saying how he was tired of making all the artwork himself.

Thank god, eventually he forgot about me and Roxy for a lot time. The last time i talked to him was on a pm where he warned me he was gonna delete all his ocs, including Roxy and Johns child, i think he wanted me to convince him not to do it but by that time i was older and just said “alright man, see ya”

Thank fuck, that problem solved itself, but i’d be better off not going through it in the first place

The cosplay hellhole

When i first started cosplaying, i posted my pictures to DA too, since there was a cosplay community there, didn’t think anything would happen

When i got my first Harley wig and makeup i was so excited i posted them on deviantart, and they did quite well, tbh. Some people asked for fansigns, and i didn’t even know who those were but, once it was explained to me, i did some for people who requested them, from there it was also fine, but stay tuned, cause it’s gonna bite me in the ass later down the line

I start getting wierd dms, very sexual in nature, which grossed me out, since i was already 20 it wasn’t like, illegal or anything, but there was a pattern of people asking for sexual content followed by “it’s okay if you say no, though” and when i said no, they would be pissed at me, calling me a whore, saying if i didn’t want attention, i wouldn’t cosplay Harley.... keep in mind, all of my photos where from the shoulder up at this point, i muscle through this time, i’ve been harrassed enough to have a lil bit thicker skin.

But over time, the pile up of messages from diferent accounts were getting to me, and i was starting to delete photos.

AND THEN

He said he was embarrassed of having to send me these things but if i wanted the photo taken down i’d have to report it myself, thankfully he also found the direct link to the report page so i didn’t have to dig through the website. Thankfully the report worked and the photo was taken down

I receive a pm from a friend that scared the shit out of me. He was going through this porn website called Xhamster, he recognises someone using one of my fansigns as a photo, now he KNOWS this isn’t me, because i’ve been vocal about not wanting to be sexualized while in cosplay. Someone took one of the fansigns, edited out the words, flipped the image, and photoshopped their own signature on to the sign in hopes of like... getting verified or something?. In short this person was using my photo as if it was a photo of them.

That mixed in with the still incoming pms from creeps made me delete every cosplay photo i’ve ever posted on deviantart.

Years later i did post new cosplay stuff again, now giving a warning right at the top of the description and being very okay with using the block button to my leisure.

I’m taking a long as fuck hiatus from posting on deviantart, it’s been over a year now, but i still go on a block spree when someone breaks the rules i’ve set

The whole “Luís” saga

Sit down for this one, it’s the weirdest one

I had a friend named Luís, we weren’t super close, in fact he was mean to me a lot, making fun of my english, even though neither of us were native speakers, refering to my home country as “Spain’s bitch”. Sending me cartoon porn when i was underaged was a big red flag that i didn’t even think was a big deal until i was older and thought back on it, like that was fucked up.

One day, i had critiques open, Luís sends a super spammy message and then blocks me. I was like “okay, whatever, i’m tired anyway” and i blocked him back.

THAT is when shit hit the fan

He tries to unblock me and talk to me, when that doesn’t work he makes a secondary account and starts sending me very aggressive pms. I’m was tired of how he acted with me, plus something about him being so desperate to be unblocked didn’t sit right, so i just blocked the new accounts

He made 15 separate accounts, getting more and more angry with each one, i block all 15.

Suddenly i’m getting pms in english and spanish from people i’ve never interacted with, but aparently Luís had told them i was being some sort of monster, some of them backed off after seeing the full picture, the others got blocked

Luís girlfriend was friends with me.

He then threatned to leave her if she didn’t block me.... she left HIM, and now I’M being blamed for that

Someone shared some uuuuhhhh fanart he drew of her after that, it was super sus, it was a comic about him seducing her with a kiss in order to make her hate someone, girl you’re better off without him, jesus christ

Now shit starts moving off of deviantart

He finds my personal facebook, which was NOT disclosed to the public, and starts messaging me, from there he found my twitter, youtube, skype, starts messaging my irl friends, quite a lot of them did not even know english at the time.

In the few messages before i blocked him, i warned him to stop, i warned him he was stalking me online and that shit isn’t okay. THIS DUDE

this dude replied with “it’s not stalking because i’m younger than you”

BOI

this happened over the course of a year, and it was the first time i ever reported someone, hell it’s the first time i’ve seen a report be successful, because i contact deviantart with a list of everything he’s done, screenshots to prove it, links to his separate accounts where all the comments are ONLY about me

a week later they DELETE THIS MAN’S WHOLE ACCOUNT

I have not heard from him in almost a decade

This is like, the ONE TIME i feel like i won

Aaand well, done, those are the most serious one, there’s some minor shit that’s not worth talking about, but looking back, wow, i used to get a lot of sexual harassment on deviantart huh?

#waste of posts #long post #vent

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jentwt · 4 years

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twenty questions tag.

tagged by @mintyuser !! thank you! i liked reading through your responses 🥰

fyi i’m doing this right after waking up and in one go so some of these answers are the first thought that came to mind in the moment

what do you prefer to be called name wise?

jeni is fine! my irl friends call me jen and i don’t mind either way

when is your birthday?

january 4 (the amount of people i know with the same birthday as me... wow i’m really not special LOL)

where do you live?

california (united states)

three things you are doing right now?

refusing to get out of bed, wondering if i should ask my dad to make me iced coffee, and daydreaming about having my own enemies-to-friends-to-lovers scenario 💔

four fandoms that have piqued your interest?

seventeen! also marvel universe, the star wars universe(?), and nct (but i’ve been into nct for a while now clearly LOL)

how has the pandemic been treating you?

tbh, i never fully processed the effects of the pandemic on my life, and the past five-six months i’ve been avoiding doing so via means such as binge-watching shows & scrolling thru social media etc. everyone has lost a lot in this time - for some it’s been opportunities, for some it’s been friends & family members - and it’s a lot to digest. i’m grateful to be able to quarantine at home with my family and not be directly affected (yet), but at the same time i miss the life i was starting to build for myself in college. it boggles my mind to think of the “new normal” and it scares me thinking that far into the future, but i have to remember to not use this as an excuse for doing nothing and at some point i will have to keep pushing forward. tl;dr it could be worse, but it definitely could be better.

a song you can’t stop listening to right now?

STREAM “LOSE” BY NIKI

recommend a movie.

i recently watched 1917 and it wasn’t bad! i’m usually not a historical drama kind of gal but i liked the way this film was shot. they edited it so it looks like there was only two long continuous shots for the entire movie.

how old are you?

school, university, occupation, other?

university student (2nd year!)

do you prefer heat or cold?

cold bc then i can wrap myself in blankets and pretend the warmth is from hugging a loved one 💔

name one fact others may not know about you?

i think i put up a really good front of being carefree & laidback in public/with others but i’m actually up in my own head a lot of the time. i talk a lot about less significant things to make it seem like i’m an “open book” but i keep the real deep thoughts & concerns to myself.

are you shy?

yes but only when it comes to initiating conversation with someone i’m not close with

do you have preferred pronouns?

she/her/hers

biggest pet peeve?

people who assume things before actually getting to know the person. as in, belittling someone’s current accomplishments/actions without knowing the hardships or obstacles they’ve had to overcome on their own.

what is your favorite “dere” type?

i did not know there were multiple, i only thought there was tsundere UPDATE: i have looked it up and dandere. dandere all the way

rate your life from 1-10, 1 being really crappy and 10 being the best it could ever be.

7. it’s not the best it could be but i’m hopeful for the future & that things will improve at least the tiniest bit.

what’s your main blog?

this one 😳 i jumped around a lot in the past so we’ll see how long i stay here

list your sideblogs and what they’re used for.

nneogram — my fic blog (ik fanfics aren’t for everyone, so if it makes you uncomfortable feel free to unfollow i won’t mind)

nneorecs — my fic rec blog

is there anything you think people need to know about you before becoming friends?

kinda covered earlier but i’m not the best with approaching others and striking up conversation, so it’s best if you initiate. or, if i’m the one who has reached out, know that it probably took a lot of internal debate LOL

i’m also not the most consistent with my energy (at least not online) so some days you’ll have me going “KSKCKDCJDJDKS” and other days “aw 🥺🥰” and other days “i’m going to EAT 🥵” and other days it’s just [insert reaction meme] [insert reaction meme] [insert reaction me-]

tagging: @kitsutaes @joonary @t-aeycng (if i tag you in too many things i apologize and lmk if you want me to stop)

#tagged #jeni #moots #mintyuser

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motherboxing · 5 years

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Okay. So, it’s become really, really apparent to me that I cannot use tumblr anymore. The simple fact is it has become a compulsive way for me to harm myself and feed into my own worst tendencies, including (among other things) an overwhelming and pervasive feeling of social paranoia that often leads me to believe that everyone I know is talking about me behind my back and deciding that I’m a dumb lying bitch who isn’t worth treating like a person. I am aware that “everyone is turning against me” is literally textbook paranoia, and that said paranoia is mine to manage; I just don’t think I can manage it, or basically any of my other C-PTSD symptoms, and remain on this website, or probably on any social media for some time.

More on this below the cut. Please do not reblog this post.

I’ve spent some time over the past few days talking to people I trust about it and I waffled on saying anything about leaving in the first place. But I really care about a lot of the people on this site and I want to stay in touch. I hope that eventually I’ll be able to figure out a way to use social media without going into death spirals about it every day. I don’t think I will ever continue using it for traumablogging or hyperpersonal oversharing, but sharing cat photos and talking about my work is ultimately harmless and also something I need to be able to do, like, as an writer in 2019. So, whatever, Watch This Space in a few months, I guess.

For now, I need to respect the realization that this website doesn’t help me anymore. It used to feel like I could use this place to say things directly and honestly to other people that I couldn’t say in my daily life, to the people around me. When I couldn’t look someone in the eye and say I was raped, I could go on tumblr and type it into a text box and someone would see it and maybe understand. When I felt like there was no place for my voice in public discourse, I could share my thoughts here and feel like in some capacity they mattered. That was really, really important; part of why I’ve been so reluctant to leave is that I don’t want to act like my time on tumblr has never been valuable to me. But at the same time, more and more it just upsets and triggers me, and it no longer feels constructive to share my pain in this public forum, or any public forum. Like I said to my girlfriend, I need to be dealing with this stuff IRL right now, and doing it Online is no longer a path towards that, but away from it.

Yesterday I called my best friend, who understands maybe better than anyone I know how exhausting and demoralizing compulsive relationships with stuff like this can be. They pointed out something that I hadn’t really been thinking about: how something that’s a neutral or even positive part of your daily routine can become a site of trauma, and how continuing to engage with it like you were before it did becomes a means of repeatedly triggering yourself. I know that’s what’s happening here. There are no accommodations that I can ask for from mutuals that would change this, no way of improving this site’s accessibility to me. I literally just have too much C-PTSD for it.

I feel sad. I know that leaving this site for an extended period of time, and at time time/in this manner, may mean the end of a few friendships I’ve built here, and that’s really just devastating. All of you are why I’ve stayed on this website for so long. I’m someone who has a really hard time dealing with feeling close to people (good ol’ C-PTSD trust issues) and the relationships I’ve built here are important to me.

To that end, if any of you ever want to talk about movies or cats or TV or art or Montreal or even just say hi, PLEASE feel free to e-mail me, it would honestly make my day. You can reach me at ellehumour at gmail dot com. I will probably edit this post in a few days and remove my e-mail address from it, but if you miss it, you can message @thepfa and ask him for it and he will pass it along.

In the meantime, I’m going to withdraw from the public internet for a while. I do not believe I will be gone forever, so like, if you want to keep following this blog, eventually there will be Bonky photos again and probably posts about my book and etc. If you don’t want to, that’s fine too. It makes me sad to think about losing any of you, but I have lost many people in my life, and though it always hurts, I am still here.

I love you all and I hope that wherever you go, as much as is possible, people are kind to you, or at least not unnecessarily cruel. See you on the flip side, or something.

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historyy · 5 years

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The Oxbridge Applications Masterlist✨✨✨

I’ve had a ton of people both online and irl ask me for this, so here it is. I’m sorry its a month or so later than I initially promised but I’ve been pretty busy. This is basically a breakdown of the application process, some advice, and my experiences as an applicant for History and Politics to Oxford in 2018-19; because of that its pretty Oxford / humanities specific. I was lucky enough to have some great resources available at school but applying for Oxford was still daunting, so I wanted to demystify it and give some advice. Hopefully you find it helpful!

Personal Statement

How you write it:

My main advice with the PS is to get started early, because Oxbridge is early entry so you’ll have months less time than your friends. Do a first draft of your personal statement in summer Y12. Mine was pretty much done by September and it made that early deadline much easier to reach.

Keeping a list of everything relevant you’re doing will be useful when you come to write the PS, as well as for developing your ideas for interview. My list was split into Books, Academic Papers, Extracts, Documentaries, Podcasts, Lectures / Online Lectures, Other Publications, Courses, Newspapers, and Extracurriculars. I also had a list of my particular interests related to my subject.

It will need lots of editing, but thats what teachers, friends, and former applicants are for! I edited so many personal statements for people in my year, because they knew I was a writer and thus good at cutting words and finding shorter ways to express.

With your first draft, write big. Go way over the character count and put everything you want to in it, then cut. A few tips for cutting:

Don’t waffle on about irrelevant anecdotes

‘Such as’ ‘like’ ‘indeed’ ‘including’ are useful but overused

Rearranging sentence structure can cut lots of characters and make your syntax snappier. E.g I interviewed a civil servant which showed me… versus Interviewing a civil servant showed me…

Semicolons will save your life.

It will hurt, but kill your Oxford commas

You don’t need to give each author / source a bio, assume the reader knows their stuff, and you don’t need to use full names / titles

What you write in it:

With the PS, a catchy opening is vital; you need to show why you’re interested in your subject and why you’re the right choice. Mine was:

The 2015 Leaders’ Debate sparked my interest in politics and the language surrounding it, when I realised I was focussed both on what the debaters were saying and how they were saying it.

The best advice I got is to treat your PS like you’re narrating your journey with your subject. Start with why you got into your subject, show what you did following on from that sparked interest, then how you built on that action, and so forth. You might want to map this out before you start writing. An example might look like this (this isn’t mine, but assume its for HistPol):

Saw an exhibition on Renaissance artists - interested in social and political context of the art - researched Italian city states focussing in on famed patrons of the arts who were politically eminent - read Machiavelli’s The Prince as is based on Cesare Borgia - interested in other theories of rule and governed/govt relations - read Locke and Hobbes to compare later theories and the development of these ideas - entered an essay competition about the development of the state citing Locke’s ideas on the social contract

Then you build on this journey, talking about your reading and research. Cite specific papers / books / articles you’ve read, and engage with them. Did you agree with everything they said? Or not? How do they link to other things you’ve read? For example, I wrote:

D’Ancona’s ‘Post-Truth’ with its discussion of disinformation and the collapse in trust also influenced me, though I disagreed with his assertion that the post-truth era only began five years ago (Orwell springs to mind).

Don’t just name drop books etc, actually engage with them, or you might as well not have read them.

In terms of what to include, Oxbridge don’t give a damn if you do Grade 5 piano or were the lead on your ballet show; you should focus your PS on the subject you’re applying for. When I mentioned extracurriculars it was in relation to the subject; I was editor of the school magazine, and I interviewed a senior civil servant on Brexit’s impact for it, increasing my understanding of current affairs and I gave a presentation on sexuality in the Weimar Republic at our LGBT society, exploring oft forgotten facets of history.

I would suggest that only 10% of your PS should be about extracurriculars, and even those should be related to your subject, or linked to transferable skills.

You should end your PS with a brief concluding statement or paragraph which summarises why you want to study your subject.

Aptitude Tests

I did the HAT so this is skewed towards that, but other tests are similar.

The aptitude tests are stressful but formulaic, so once you’ve worked out the formula and done as many practices as you can, you should be fine. You don’t need to get a high mark, only pass the benchmark to secure an interview, so it won’t be perfect. No one gets full marks; I think the benchmark for the HAT was 60% last year.

My main advice on the tests is to go to all the sessions on them with your teachers that you can, and if your teachers don’t offer sessions ask them to hold some, or find a former applicant. Do lots of practices, starting not in timed conditions and work up doing them in time. Talk through your completed papers in detail with your teachers. If there are other applicants doing the same test, talk with them — orally write the essay together and bounce ideas off one another.

Learn how to pull together an argument in a way which will grab the reader’s attention and show that you’re interested and engaged, and that you think outside the box and are different to the other candidates. For example in our HAT, the source was on a 16C woman’s relations with her servants, and I talked about her household as a microcosm of a class stratified and hierarchical society with moral expectations of servitude.

Basically, its an exam paper, treat it as such!

Interview

The interview is, on the whole, more important than the PS. If you’re lucky enough to get one it means you’ve already done better than most people. I found the experience to be a mix of absolutely terrifying and weirdly enjoyable.

I had two interviews, one for History and one for Politics, but you can be called to interview at other colleges. I know someone who had six…

The interview is basically like a tutorial will be if you get in, and there are different types (this is a bit humanities specific, sorry). You can get asked about your PS and reference, though this is rare. Extract interviews are common, for my Politics I was given an extract about citizenship. You can also get asked about your submitted work, as I was for History.

In terms of prep, make sure you’re familiar with your submitted work and PS, as well as all the stuff you say you’ve done in your PS and your reference. You can get asked about any of it. Bring copies of these and your reading notes with you to interview so you’re familiar with them. Also look into some other key concepts of your subject, for example I looked at a lot of historiography, and in the interview talked about the concept of history as teleology and how I disagree with it. I think I was actually asked if I agreed with the Idea of Progress, having read on that a lot I felt equipped to answer it.

Do as many practice interviews as you can. I got lucky as we had teachers who could do these, and I also did one at my sister’s school. However even if you don’t have that access, ask a friend, parent, teacher, a previous applicant, or even someone online. Even just talking about your subject helps. On the flip side of all this, don’t do so much prep your answers are stale and formulaic, you need to show you’re thinking on your feet.

Both my interviews were only 20-25 minutes. My Politics interview was really chill, I had an hour reading time before in which I made notes on an extract and basically wrote a script for myself. The questions I was asked were actually given to me in this time so I had lots of material to work with. The man was really nice as well, and I enjoyed the experience. In contrast my History one was a disaster and I felt like I was being interrogated by the two women the whole time, though they were nice.

Don’t be scared if you screw up, in my History interview on my Tudors essay on Tudor parliamentary changes (which I’d been studying only 2 months), my interviewer was an expert on Tudor parliament, writing a book on the subject. This one question about groups of people represented strongly in parliament really threw me, and I went through three answers before I found the right one (lawyers). At another question I blanked for thirty seconds before speaking. I came out in tears and was certain I’d failed, but clearly I did okay…

General advice

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Go chat to that scary teacher who told you your essay was too journalistic and not historical enough and just because you want to be a journalist you can’t write like one in academia (personal experience? me?). Ask them for advice and just talk to them about the subject!

Leading on to: JUST TALK ABOUT THE SUBJECT. Talking nonstop about History and Politics helped me know my interests inside out and it gave me a way to develop my speaking skills as well as my love for my subject.

Also, read. JSTOR is your bff for academic articles and Niche Stuff here, but you can find plenty of good books at libraries and shops. The A Very Short Introduction series is amazing for this, as they’re all really short and written by Oxbridge academics, I read tons of them. You can even just dip into longer books or collections of articles.

Keep asking yourself And so? — take your ideas further. This was my History teacher’s advice for essays, but it works for PS, tests, interviews, and general critical thinking.

For example in the HAT (I’m making up this example, it might have asked you what you could learn about social norms of a time from a source): You could say: The woman bosses her servants around but is subordinate to her husband so we can learn about gender and social roles. Or you could say: The woman commands her servants, yet remains servile to her husband, indicating the prevalence of hierarchical gender and class relations in the society of the time; her role as wife is clearly interlinked with her position as ‘head of the household’, which she is unpaid for. Viewing this through the lens of feminist theory, one can infer that an unequal sexual division of labour exists in this society, and women’s contributions to society are not appreciated, as when the husband ‘dismisses’ his wife. While her command of the servants shows she is elevated by her ‘great wealth’, her subordination to her husband suggests that a woman in this society was unable to further her position as easily as a man could.

Don’t fret about choosing a college on the form, 1/3 of people (including me) get pooled.

And finally, don’t set your heart on Oxbridge. They’re by no means the only good universities out there, and they’re not for everyone. If you’re not enjoying the research for the PS, or are finding the aptitude tests unbearable and the interview style uncomfortable, it might not be for you. But if you do decide to apply, good luck!✨

72 notes · View notes

dontmeanlove · 5 years

Text

not a competition

Pairing: peter parker x female!reader

Word Count: 6k

Warnings: a little cussing, nothing major.

Plot: You’re not competing with Peter Parker, that’s just ridiculous and you were not doing it. No matter what MJ said. You were frenemies with Peter Parker and best friends with spotspidey on instagram. You had no idea what it would mean.

Prompt: Enemies IRL and best friends online

You weren’t competing with Peter Parker. It was a ridiculous concept, you refused to acknowledge that. But if, and only if, you were competing with him, you were winning anyway.

There was this ongoing thing between you two where you weren’t really enemies, you didn’t even talk if you were honest, but the two of you were always trying to one-up the other.

You didn’t know when it all started, but now you announced your grades nonchalantly loud whenever Peter was around and when he was the one with a better grade you rolled your eyes and scoffed. It didn’t matter that you smirked at him, raising an eyebrow whenever you were the one with the better grade.

It was ridiculous really, that’s why you weren’t competing with him. Nope. Nopety no. It was too lame to admit.

“I can’t believe you’re still doing it,” MJ sounded bored. She had her eyebrow raised when you said you got an A- in physics. You refused to blush.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You tried to sound nonchalant but your voice failed you, you face with a slight blush.

You heard Peter tell Ned he got an A+. You squinted your eyes and pouted.

“C’ mon,” MJ nudged you, “Tell him he’s cute, ask him out or something, this weird dance you’re doing is nauseating.”

“Hey,” You protested. “I don’t like him,” your mumble not really convincing. “He is irritating and smart and dorky.”

“Oh,” MJ chuckled. “You’re in way deeper than I thought.”

“I’m not,” You frowned, you barely stopped yourself from stomping your foot because you’d never hear the end of it.

Your phone chimed, you smiled down at the notification. You opened Instagram and tried to contain a smile.

(yourighandle): spotspidey: school is sucking the life outta me

(yourighandle): spotspidey: I think today took like 5 years out of my life span

You chuckled. He was always dramatic. It was a bit funny how you could feel so strongly about a person you didn’t even know. Sometimes you wondered if you were being catfished, like it was a good possibility but, at the same time, you didn’t really care?

yourighandle: ever so dramatic,,, it’s not that bad.

yourighandle: my day was off to a bad start, I got an A-

spotspidey: who’s dramatic now?

yourighandle: you

spotspidey: no :( meany

yourighandle: aw bby you gonna get over it

You smiled down your phone and ran a hand through your hair. The bell rang way too soon and you sighed.

“I always forget about your ig boyfriend,” MJ looked amused.

“That again? Girl, you seriously need new stuff to talk about.”

“What can I do if you’re into two hopeless boys?!”

“I’m not into either of them.”

“Yeah, right.” MJ wasn’t convinced at all. “Let’s go to class, loser.”

You groaned but followed her through the school to your lockers, they were side by side.

“Where’s that loser penis parker?” You heard Flash say with a tone to his voice that made you frown. “You think I can make him cry today?”

You felt pure rage bubble inside you, you turned to where he was standing and smiled sweetly at him. He smiled back at you, looking surprised. You walked to him and put your hands on his shoulders.

��Oh Flash,” You kept your voice sweet and a smile on your face before you knee him in the balls. “Think again before being such an asshole.”

You cleaned your throat, went back to your locker with a victorious smile on your face, got your things and headed to class. He was on the floor cupping his crotch.

“Oh my god,” MJ was laughing by your side. “I can’t believe you did that.”

“Me too,” You laughed along with her. “I’m kinda freaking out.”

“Chill, nobody’s gonna tell on you, everybody knows that Flash is a jerk.”

You shrugged, you didn’t know why you did that. But the thought of anyone messing with Peter Parker after all he went through was too much for you.

Of course, you two had that grades thing going on, but it was never mean or anything. It was like you needed that sense of normalcy that came with this competition (no, you never admitted it was a competition and you never would).

yourighandle: I just kneed a guy in the balls.

You sent to your ig friend as soon as your butt touched the classroom chair. He replied right away.

spotspidey: you go, girl,

spotspidey: what did he do if you don’t mind me asking

yourighandle: asshole bully honestly I don’t know how anyone did it before

spotspidey: that’s even better omg

yourighandle: I can’t help being so cool ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

spotspidey: lol won’t disagree

You smiled at that, Spotspidey was a dork. It was weird he didn’t say what his name was, so you also didn’t share any personal info. You weren’t dumb, stranger danger and all that, your mom taught you right, okay?

It was your side ig account, you only posted edits and artsy stuff. Never your face. Never anything personal, apart from your nickname.

You always commented on spotspidey’s pictures because they were awesome and his captions were always the best, so one day you sent him a message on the dm and it all started.

Nowadays talking to him every day was so part of your routine that when it didn’t happen you felt like an important piece of your day was missing.

You went through your day like a breeze after the encounter with Flash, most of the classes were easy, the homework that sucked.

You were walking out of the door after the long school day, you spotted Peter talking to Ned. As soon as you saw him, he saw you too. He jogged to catch up with you and smiled brightly when he reached you.

“So, I heard you defended my honor today?”

“You honor? Didn’t know you had that, Parker.” You teased him.

“I’m glad you’re still you.” He chuckled.

“He deserves that. Someone had to do something.”

“I’m buzzing that “something” to you means kneeing a guy on the balls and not like report his harassment to the school administration.”

“Oh, please,” You rolled your eyes. “They’d never do anything about it anyway.”

“So now you’re the friendly neighborhood bully avenger?” He was trying not to laugh at his own lame joke, oh god this boy was ridiculously cute.

“I like to think of myself as the unfriendly neighborhood bully avenger, please.”

Peter snorted and you let out a low chuckle, damn Parker.

“Spider-man has tough competition now,” He commented. You were walking together to the subway station. How the tables had turned.

You saw MJ passing by and raising an eyebrow with her lips pursed so as not to laugh, you sent her a glare that wasn’t convincing at all.

“He better watch out,” You said flipping your hair off your shoulder.

You two giggled and bumped shoulders. You were trying to hide a smile.

“Thank you,” Peter turned his head to look at you.

“Anytime,” You smiled at him.

“Good thing I can count on you to save me.”

“I wouldn't go that far, but I know a friend who knows a friend that can keep an eye on you, you princess in distress.”

Peter chuckled again, shaking his head as if he found the idea quite ridiculous.

“Yeah, I guess I won’t need that,” He ended up saying.

“Why do I feel I’m not getting the joke?”

“Because maybe you’re not,” Peter shrugged. You elbowed him.

“Hey,” You protested.

You ended up going home together and somehow you were now sharing your earphones with Peter as you jammed to Paramore. People who didn’t like Paramore couldn’t be trusted.

You arrived at home and as you slumped into the couch you shoot a message to spotspidey.

yourighandle: do u like Paramore

spotspidey: duh?!?!

yourighandle: good

yourighandle: our friendship was on the line dude

spotspidey: pfff as if my music taste wasn’t on point

yourighandle: tell me more about it

spotspidey: wow it’s like you’re asking me to strip

spotspidey: strip my soul right on this chat

You snorted out loud. Oh god, he was aDORKable. And by even thinking about this you were also in the dork section right beside him.

You sighed. What wouldn’t you give to know who he was so you could hang out. What if you had already seen him on the street or talked to him, or you two went to midtown. What if you two had classes together or went to the same Starbucks all the time?

The day went by just fine, it was starting to get dark out and you were hungry. Your parents were still at work, something had come up and you were going to get take out from the restaurant two blocks away.

You got your food and you felt weird. You snapped a pic for spotspidey and he replayed the story.

spotspidey: thanks for reminding me how hungry I am

yourighandle: anytime ;)

You started walking home from the restaurant and as you passed through an alley someone grabbed you and put a hand on your mouth.

You tried to scream and kick the guy but he was stronger than you. Maybe thirty seconds passed and suddenly Spider-man was in front of you.

“You should really let her go.” He said, his voice weirdly pissed off.

The guy was stunned and dropped his hands quickly. Spider-man put his hands on your shoulders and down your arms.

“You okay?” He asked softly.

“Yeah,” You mumbled, eyes wide still in shock.

The guy started to run away but Spider-man shot a web at him and glued him to the wall.

You were trying to take deep breaths and calm yourself down. It was a fucking big scare and you just wanted to cry. You felt arms around you and stopped breathing for a second. Spider-man was hugging you.

“It’s okay, you’re safe now.” He whispered to you, holding you close.

“Okay, thank you.” You said shakily.

“Let’s get you home, shall we?” Spider-man said and you just nodded. He wrapped his arm around your waist and suddenly you were in the air, swinging with him.

“I live like a block away,” You said breathlessly.

“Cool, which house?”

“The brownstone apartment building, right there” You pointed at your home.

He took you to the top of the building and let you down.

“Are you really okay?” He sounded concerned.

“Yeah, nothing really bad happened,” You shrugged trying to convince yourself too. “Thank you,” You smiled shyly at him.

“Anytime,” He rubbed the back of his neck. You bit your lip thinking if you should do what you were about to do. You guessed there wasn’t a better time than now.

“Uh, it’s gonna sound really weird considering you basically just saved my life but like I have a friend who is a great fan of yours and like maybe, uh, could you take a pic with me?” You were blushing and speaking really fast. Spider-man chuckled and looked down.

“Of course, c’ mon.” He reached for you and pulled you close.

You got your phone out and snapped a couple of pictures, one you were smiling and the other you were pulling a silly face and Spider-man had a peace sign behind your head. You giggled while putting your phone back inside the pocket of your pants.

“Thank you again, he’ll be thrilled and also thank you for, you know, saving me.”

“Nah, it’s just my job.”

“The friendly neighborhood Spider-man,” You joked.

“I mean, yeah,” He sounded a bit embarrassed.

“Cool, I’m called the unfriendly neighborhood bully avenger.”

Spider-man let a laugh out like it was punched out of him.

“Cool, I mean, if I ever have a bully problem I know who to bring them to.”

“Count on me, Spidey,” You make finger guns and winks at him.

You both giggle and you point at the door. “I better get going, you know, I bet you still have people to save and stuff.”

“I guess my shift is over,” He shrugged.

“Even superheroes have to rest I guess.”

“And do homework,” Spidey said, looking startled right after like he said something wrong.

“Homework is the worst! So, good luck with that.”

You waved goodbye and headed to the door, having your back to the hero.

“Good night, Spidey. And thank you again,” You turned one last time, he was still watching you leave. He nodded his head and waved a little. You grinned at him and wondered how that was your life.

You got home and plated the food. Your heart was still beating fast, you tried to make sense of what happened tonight, shuddering when you thought about what could have happened. Thank God Spider-man showed up. You took a deep breath.

yourighandle: I guess I did your job tonight

spotspidey: how so ma’am?

yourighandle sent a photo reply.

spotspidey: holy shit

spotspidey: that’s your face

spotspidey: by Spider-man’s face

yourighandle: we’re bros

yourighandle sent a photo reply.

spotspidey: I have no words rn

spotspidey: you’re distracting me with your cute face I’m trying to do homework

yourighandle: your face is cute

yourighandle: oh wait I guess that’s not an insult

yourighandle: you're distracting yourself

yourighandle: get down to business

spotspidey: to defeat the Huns?

yourighandle: really?

yourighandle: you gonna hit me w Disney songs and expect me not to distract you?

yourighandle sent a video reply.

Now that spotspidey had seen your face you didn’t have much to hide. Even if he didn’t feel comfortable showing you himself, it was nice to have this new layer to your relationship.

You sent him a video blasting ‘make a man out of you’ and couldn’t care less.

spotspidey: this video will be forever kept in my heart

yourighandle: I am all in your heart already silly

spotspidey: like a murmur?

yourighandle: like a heart attack

spotspidey: that’s mean

yourighandle sent a photo reply.

spotspidey: you’re killing me

yourighandle: maybe that’s the goal

yourighandle: you’ll never know my true plan

spotspidey: I guess I’ll have to call a guy

yourighandle: hope it’s not my bud spidey, he’ll fight for my honor

spotspidey: I’m not questioning that at all

yourighandle: lol go do your homework loser

spotspidey: responsible loser at least

yourighandle: true that

You laid on your bed that night thinking about the three boys you talked to today. Peter was funny and dorky, much nicer than you’d ever expect. Spider-man was caring and so nice, too. And spotspidey was awesome, funny, a complete nerd but in the best way possible. You sighed, what a weird day.

The next day at school was ordinary, for the most part at least. Peter waved at you and smiled brightly, MJ elbowed you because of that and you were sure you’d never hear the end of it.

“Guess you talked to your boyfriend irl.”

“I can’t believe you just said ‘irl’, you’re a basic girl now, MJ.”

She gasped pretending to be offended, at least you hoped she was pretending. She had a too good poker face.

“You get the basic white boyfriend and I am the basic girl?”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” You pouted, your voice way too close to a whine for your liking.

MJ snorted and gave you a pointed look, one you definitely decided to ignore. You headed to class and it was just as boring as usual until AP biology. It was one of the classes you shared with Peter.

The teacher assigned a project to be done in pairs and chose said pairs. You were developing a project with Peter Parker.

“Hey, partner,” Peter said with a smile on his face, way too coy to fit him.

“Hey, pal.”

“So, project…” He touched the back of his head.

“My house or yours?” You tilted your head to the side.

“Uh,” He seemed to think. “Let’s go to mine.”

“Okay,” You smiled up at him. “Meet me at my locker?”

“Sure thing,” Peter was at the door to leave for his next class. “See you later alligator.”

You laughed, “See you, loser.”

“Hey, not nice.”

“Never claimed I was,” You shrugged, the smile still on your face, it was getting harder and harder to be serious whenever the boy was around.

Peter shook his head and chuckled looking down, when he looked up at you with a bright smile on his face and eyes sparkling you sucked in a breath and bit your lip, forgetting how to breathe for a second.

He left and you finished packing your bag, also leaving for your next class. At least you shared it with MJ.

It was not good that you had this class with MJ, she was teasing mercilessly about Peter and spotspidey.

“God, your ig boyfriend is being cheated on.” MJ had a frown on her face. “I never thought you’d do that, totally surprised and disappointed.”

“What are you even talking about?” You chuckled.

“You and Peter making heart eyes at each other and you misleading your internet boyfriend, duh.”

“Uh, no to both of these statements,” You tilted your head.

MJ chuckled and revolved her focus to the assignment the teacher had asked. Or so you thought. She lifted her notebook and there was a drawing of you and Peter with your chins leaning on your hands and big silly hearts over your eyes.

You laughed and pushed MJ’s shoulders, “C’mon, MJ, lay off, let me live.”

“I appreciate how you didn’t deny anything.”

“I’m not leading Spotspidey on,” You frowned. “We’re friends, that’s all.”

MJ nodded but pointed at the drawing one more time.

“And about Peter, I’m not even gonna dignify you with an answer.” MJ hummed and smirked, you kept looking at each other until both of you cracked and started laughing out loud, the teacher shushing you and giving you a stern look.

“Sorry,” You said and went back to your assignment.

The class was over and with that, you headed back to your locker to leave. Peter was already waiting for you leaning on the lockers by yours. Damn, he was cute. Who were you trying to kid?

He silently waited for you to get your things ready, looking down at his phone at one point and typing fast.

“Let’s go?”

“Sure,” He pocketed his phone and started walking by your side.

“How do you feel about a sub at Delmar’s?” Peter said looking at you.

“Fine by me.”

They headed to the snack bar and got two sandwiches to go, going to Peter’s right after.

“How do you want to do this?” You asked as soon as you stepped foot on his house. Peter blushed, the tips of his ears getting red as well as his cheeks.

You chuckled. “Get your head out of the gutter, Parker.”

“Easier said than done,” He mumbled. You didn’t think you were supposed to have heard that.

You followed him to his room and sat on the bed, opening your backpack and taking the Biology book and your notebook out.

You started well, Peter doing some research on his laptop as you took some notes and included some things from the book, eating the sandwich between one information and the other. Peter started writing the essay with the information you were giving out, it was easy to work with him, he was crazy smart.

Your mind started wandering as you looked at his room. You hadn’t paid much attention when you first got in.

“Oh my god,” You gasped.

“What is it?” Peter sounded concerned, he was frowning.

“You have the millennium falcon lego set IN A BOX?” You were disappointed with him, seriously. “How dare you, Parker?!”

“Uh, sorry?”

“You should be! Let’s build it!”

You got up from the bed and touched his arm, sliding your hand until you reached his hand and pulled him up.

“But the project…” Peter tried to argue.

“Please,” You stretched the word and pouted. “I promise we’ll finish it later.”

That’s how you ended up spending three hours to build half the ship. You couldn’t remember when you had more fun, ‘God, I’m such a nerd.’ You thought to yourself as you laughed at one of Peter’s science puns.

You retrieved your phone to snap a pic to send to Spotspidey on ig, then took a picture with your thumbs up and Peter looking down in the background.

You sent it to him with a smiley face emoji and smiled to yourself before looking up and seeing Peter looking so cute you might cry.

He was holding the BB8 toy with a bright smile on his lips. “This is the cutest thing I have ever seen,” He said.

“Me too,” You must have had a look on your face that gave you away because you had Peter blushing softly.

“Now I have to take a picture of this moment,” You held your phone up and Peter put the little BB8 near his face and smiled big enough for his eyes to get tiny. Your heart warmed up with that picture and you promised yourself you would cherish it forever.

“This is the best picture I’ve ever seen,” You announce before chuckling softly.

You posted it on your story and not 5 minutes had passed before you received a message from Ned.

(yourighandle): leedstheway: the BETRAYAL this has

(yourighandle): leedstheway: I’m disowning Peter

(yourighandle): leedstheway: I’m calling the police on this crime

“I think Ned is upset,” You turned your phone to Peter for him to see the messages.

Peter laughed, “Excuse me,” He took the phone from your hands and took a picture of himself pouting.

You may or may not have melted right there. Maybe MJ has been right with all her annoying crush thing.

Thankfully you had Instagram save all your pictures, so you had Peter’s pout on your gallery. Small miracles and all that.

You two perked up when you heard the front down open and close.

“My aunt’s home.”

“Cool.”

You two continued building the ship until there was a knock on the door.

“Hey!” May said with a smile on her face.

“Hello,” You smiled back at her.

“I’m May, Peter’s aunt,” She waved.

“Oh, I’m (y/n), nice to meet you, May,” You waved back. “We’re working on a biology project.”

“I see…” May raised an eyebrow and you and Peter had the decency to blush. “Okay, kids, I’m ordering Chinese for dinner.”

“Maybe I should go,” You started getting up, your cheeks still red.

“Don’t be silly, have dinner with us.”

You looked at Peter not knowing what to do. “Stay,” He said. You nodded and sat back.

“I don’t think we’re finishing it today.” You pouted.

“Maybe you can come over tomorrow?” Peter touched the back of the neck, looking embarrassed.

“I’d love to,” You smiled shyly. You heard May calling you so you put the unfinished ship to the side. “We should also finish our essay?”

“Of course,” Peter has that sly smile on his face, “I still have to beat you for valedictorian.”

“Only in your dreams, Parker.”

You kept lightly pushing each other before you started laughing. May was looking at you with a knowing smile on her face, turning around when you both looked at her. You would figure it out yourselves.

They ate dinner in comfortable silence, making small comments about the food and how hungry they were.

“I’ll take you home, (Y/N).”

“I’ll be okay!” You brushed it off. “I live like five blocks away.”

“I insist,” Peter pressed.

“No, really, I’ll be just fine! I promise I’ll call you when I arrive home.”

Peter seemed neither confident nor happy about it, the look on his face making it clear, but he let you do as you wished anyway.

You were about one block away when Spider-man landed on your side. You jumped a foot away, startled.

“Waking by yourself at this time, miss?”

“You’re my mom now, Mr. Spider-man?”

“Nah, just your hero.”

“Good, will you take me home?” What? You wanted to swing through the air in Spider-man’s arms! Who could judge you for this selfish wish? Spider-man could, but he didn’t. He actually chuckled and wrapped an arm around your waist and shot his web. You went flying through the air securely in Spider-man’s arms.

You two landed softly on the top of your building.

“All safe and sound, princess?”

“If you ever call me princess again I’m going to knee you in the balls.”

“You really have something for kneeing men in the balls,” He said, voice playful.

“It’s what they deserve,” You pause frowning. “How’d you know that?”

“haha, interesting question but now I gotta go, you know, save people and stuff.” And as sudden as he appeared he left. You frowned but got in your building, going down the stairs to your floor.

You called Peter to tell him you’re home safe and sound.

“Hey, Pete.”

“Uh, hey.”

“I’m home, just so you know.”

“Oh, okay, glad you’re safe,” He giggled nervously.

“uh, okay? See you tomorrow.”

“See you, good night.”

“Night,” You said before hanging up.

He was so odd, so not himself on the phone that it was weird. You check your ig for Spotspidey and he had just answered.

spotspidey: haha good fun u had today

yourighandle: yeah it was awesome

yourighandle: the millennium falcon is almost done!!!!

spotspidey: cool

You frowned, why was spotspidey so weird now? Why was everybody acting odd? Maybe it was just you.

The next day wasn’t much different. Peter was clearly ignoring you, on lunch break, you walked to him and he turned red and mumbled he had already finished the essay and Ned wanted to finish building the millennium falcon with him, dismissing you greatly.

You had no reaction but to nod stunned. You couldn’t believe Peter was treating you this way. He had never treated you like this, not even when you were low key enemies.

“Okay,” You whispered before walking away, feeling so utterly disappointed you didn’t really know how to act.

You tried to reach out to Spotspidey, to have some comfort but was left on read. Your eyes started filling up with water and you tried to take a shaky breath and stop yourself crying in the middle of the hall.

MJ saw you and came running. You let her wrap her arms around you and then you couldn’t stop yourself. You cried quietly in her arms. She must have pulled you to the side because now you were by the wall.

You looked up, bottom lip wobbling, “Try taking deep breaths, will you?” Her voice was soft and she ran a hand through your hair.

You did as she instructed and started to calm down.

“What happened?”

“Peter is acting really weird and my ig friend isn’t talking to me either and everything was just fine yesterday but now it’s all crumbling down.”

You felt tears threaten to come back, your voice sounding strangled. You didn’t know why it was affecting you so badly.

“What if it’s something I did? It’s my fault, I fuck everything up.”

“No,” MJ said sternly. “You don’t get to talk about my best friend like that.”

“MJ,” You whispered. “Thank you.”

“Boys are dumb, (Y/N),” She hugged you. “Don’t let them make you think less of yourself.”

She let you go and grabbed your hand. “Now let’s wash this face and get our shit together.”

You chuckled softly and followed her. She was the best best friend you could have ever asked for.

After washing your face and breathing deeply you headed to the rest of the classes for the day and wished for them to go quickly. You couldn’t wait to go home.

When you were leaving you bumped into someone, you looked up to apologize and it was Peter. You shot him a hurt look and mumble an apology, not giving him time to reply and left with your head down.

You decided you would try again with Spotspidey, maybe he was just busy.

yourighandle: hey dude (seen)

You waited for hours deliberately trying not to check your phone. You did all your school work, procrastinated a bit, made dinner with your mom, watched a couple episodes of queer eye to pretend you were crying because of that and not because your online best friend was ignoring you.

He was ignoring you. You were sure of that after the second day he refused to answer your messages. You could see him typing but soon he would delete it and not send anything.

The message you were so anxiously waiting came after the fourth day trying to reach out to him.

spotspidey: leave me alone.

It hurt, but it hurt so much more than you ever thought it would. The thought that he could have been just playing with you, that he had been collecting info, or that it meant nothing to him made it sting.

You were waiting for the pictures of you being silly pop out throughout the school, or on the internet. You were waiting for the other shoe to drop. You were waiting for a sign that it all meant something other than you being so easily discarded that it wasn’t even worth a second thought.

All these days when things had been weird you had seen Spider-man. He was always somewhere near you when you went out. As if he was watching over you exclusively. It made you angry.

You saw a red suit pick out of an alley near your house.

“Leave me ALONE,” You said loudly. “Stop doing this weird stalking thing, dude.”

Spider-man got out of the alley with his head down.

“Sorry,” He mumbled. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Why?” You laughed bitterly. “I’m just some lame girl you saved once, nothing more, nothing special about me.”

“Don’t- don’t say that, please.”

“It’s true,” You said with finality to your tone. “Now, if you could please stop doing what you’re doing-“

“Why?”

“Because- because seeing you reminds me of people I’d better forget.”

“Oh,” He said softly.

“I’m sorry I’m being ungrateful right now but- but- oh my god,” Your voice broke and you started to cry (fricking cry!) in the middle of the street. “I gotta go.”

You all but ran the rest of the way to your house, feeling embarrassed and just sad.

You put on your earphones, laying on your bed and just as you were about to put some music on you saw a notification that made your breath catch on your throat.

(yourighandle): spotspidey sent a video.

You sucked in a breath and clicked on the ig icon, went to your messages and clicked on his icon. You wanted to delay this as much as you possibly could.

Spider-man appeared on your phone screen and you sat up immediately.

“I know I fucked up, but this-“ He paused to take his mask off. You gasp out loud as you saw Peter Parker’s face, eyes bloodshot as if he had been crying, hair a mess and looking so soft you just wanted to hold him in your arms.

“This is why I disappeared. You knew me three different ways and I thought-“ The vídeo ended. There was another one.

“I thought you’d be disappointed to know they were me. Penis Parker, the loser.” Peter sounded defeated and as if he would start crying any minute. The video was over and you had a hand over your mouth, too shocked to do anything else.

There was another video and a message.

spotspidey: this is me, I know it’s not what you expected.

spotspidey: or wanted anyway

“So like if you could keep this a secret,” Peter had his hand in the back of his head. “I’m sorry, (y/n).”

Your heart was beating so hard it seemed like it was going to pop out of your chest. Your finger moved on its own accord and suddenly you were calling Peter.

“Hel-“ You didn’t give him a chance to speak.

“You’d never disappoint me, Peter Parker.”

You heard him sigh. “You don’t have to do that,” he mumbled.

“Peter, listen to me now. You are the smartest guy I’ve ever met, you’re a great friend, you are so sweet and kind to everyone you meet, you are an amazing person and you don’t get to talk about my best friend like that. You’re funny and yes, Parker, you’re a nerd! But in the best way possible.”

You were a little out of breath because you were speaking fast in case Peter decided to hang up.

“You are everything, Peter.” You finished your little speech.

“I-“ He chuckled sounding self-conscious. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Come over so we can hug it out.”

“Okay.”

You waited for less than five minutes and Spidey was knocking on your window. You opened it and he slipped inside the room.

“Hey,” You watched as he took his mask off.

“It’s really you,” you were still impressed and a bit astonished by it all.

“Yeah,” Peter smiled sadly.

You walked up to him and pulled him into a hug. He melted into it, wrapping his arms around your waist and bringing you close. Your bodies molded into each other, you fit like a missing jigsaw puzzle piece. You breathed him in and he did the same.

You had your eyes closed and was just enjoying being that close to him. Peter, spotspidey, Spider-man. They were all the same.

You pulled away, hands resting on Peter’s shoulders.

“It might mess everything up,” you said before leaning in and kissing him on the lips. It was just a press of lips at first but then your lips started moving against his and it changed everything.

You ran your fingers through his hair and he pulled you impossibly closer by the waist, fingers slipping under your shirt to touch your bare hips. You split in order to take a breath.

“So…” Peter said.

“That’s that,” both of you chuckled feeling a little embarrassed.

“That’s cool.”

“Yeah?” You asked with red cheeks and a small smile on your face.

“Yeah, I’d like you to do that again.”

“Many times?” You pushed him a little.

“All the time from now on,” He was still holding you and smiling.

“I could get on board with that.”

“We still need to talk, I kept things from you.”

“Aw please, later? We can talk about all the feelings later,” You leaned on his chest, he chuckled hugging you tight.

“What do you suggest we do now, then?”

“Nap, cuddle, make out. In that order, please.”

“Maybe I should change,” He suggested. He was probably right, it would be weird if your parent caught you snuggling someone dressed as Spider-man.

“I’m gonna grab some sweatpants for you and me.”

You rummaged through your closet and you two quickly changed, turning your back to the other to give them a sense of privacy. Maybe it would have been easier to go to the bathroom but it would take longer and you wanted to cuddle that boy to death right away.

You settled on the bed and Peter spooned you. “I don’t know why I have to be the little spoon,” you complained. “You deserve to be held and cared for too.”

It was much easier to say these things when you weren’t facing him, so you just told him everything that was on your mind.

“We can switch later, grumpy.”

“Hey!” You protested with no heat.

You enjoyed being held and could feel his breath on the back of your neck, it calmed and settled you.

“I forgive you,” you whispered suddenly. “If that’s what you need to hear. You were always forgiven, Pete.”

Your voice was getting slower and deeper was sleep took over you.

“Thanks,” was the last thing you heard him say before falling asleep in Peter Parker’s arms.

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