#DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THIS SHIT TOOK ME

[oftenlyshitposting]

a wolf, a warrior, and a hotspring | wolfwren fic

"meet me here again tomorrow. at noon."

sabine finds that slumber has been kinder to her. she awoke to the hazy peridean early sun, to the smell of cookings just outside of the fulcrum. the noti people must have been up for sometime now. with the scent of food entering the ship, that means ahsoka is, too.

oh, right. she hasn't told ahsoka.

sabine rises from her bunk with a soft grunt, already fabricating a plan to sneak out of camp. she glances at the clock she and huyang constructed; the time is indicating closer towards midday. sabine leans out of her bunk to search for ahsoka and huyang, not finding either at the common table or the practice floor. the door to the cockpit was also open, showing vacant seats. they're outside then, sabine concluded.

without wasting anymore time, sabine tiptoes to the refresher for a quick wash and to get dressed. her fingers were crossed that ahsoka stays occupied until she could sneak out, but luck betrayed her. by the time sabine got out of the refresher, ahsoka was at the common table, plating some bowls that looked like breakfast and a jug of what sabine assumes as the tea she usually drinks.

"morning," ahsoka calls, her tone sounding suspiciously humoured, "had a good sleep?"

sabine scratches her hair, avoiding eyes with ahsoka. "uh, yeah. slept alright."

"that's good."

sabine nods, quickly making her way to her bunk to pack up her blasters and to put on her beskar. her periphery catches ahsoka's eyes on her, but she tries her best to ignore her master. plan A of quietly sneaking out failed, so sabine decides to just play it coolly and find the right time to sneak out again. she casually walks to grab a cup from the storage, pouring herself the tea.

"what's all this?" sabine nods at the bowls and plates at the table, sipping her tea to calm her nerves.

ahsoka pushes a bowl at sabine's direction, "late breakfast. the noti found native fruits and berries, you should try some," and made a gesture sabine interprets as an instruction for her to sit and eat.

sabine shrugs. "alright." she began scooping the bowl; it consists of some kind of mushy grain-like porridge with various haphazardly chopped fruits. the texture initially puts her off, but the taste wasn't so bad. it reminded her of some kind of pudding. "hey, where's huyang?"

"he's outside. last i saw, he was helping a noti folk fix up their little pod," ahsoka replies easily, munching on a crunchier chopped fruit. sabine hums in response, mouth a little full. ahsoka then looks at sabine inquisitively as she asks, "where'd you run off yesterday? you were gone for a really long time."

"uh, i went out to hunt?" sabine cringes internally, not intending her answer to sound unconvincing, which she follows up with, "no luck, though. no game, or stuff. but, i did find a hotspring."

"did you?"

"yep."

ahsoka's brow quirked, and sabine can't really tell what her master is thinking. "you found someone, though. didn't you?"

well, shoot. sabine doesn't really know how to deny that question, so she decides to dance around the whole truth, "yeah. baylan's blonde padawan. i ran into her at the spring. surprisingly, she didn't try to kill me."

"i can see that," ahsoka chuckled. "did something happen?" when sabine tilts her head questioningly, ahsoka adds, "i felt something shifted, in the force."

double shoot. guess plan B of sneaking out and postponing the conversation failed too. sabine sighs. "i guess so...? i... i don't know. i can feel her, and she can feel me. through the force."

"that's not uncommon. you've finally tapped into the force, making your presence known within it and to anyone who can access the force." ahsoka gestures between them, explaining further, "like how i can sense you, and you can sense me."

ahsoka's explanation makes sense. though, sabine can't help but think that there's more to the connection between her and shin. she knows that ahsoka and her have a bond, as master to padawan. it doesn't quite make sense to her as to why she would share a connection with shin; the kind of bond that they have.

thinking about their bond might have subconsciously triggers it in sabine's mind, as she finds herself reaching for shin within the force. she sees shin, on the other end of their connection, hunting with a group of the red-armoured bandits. sabine can feel shin sensing her presence in their connection.

shin pauses atop her howler, turning her head to the side where sabine is sitting inside the fulcrum. sabine's breath choked in her throat when she hears shin's voice... inside her mind?

'you missed me already?'

sabine wants to scream out loud; shin sounded unbearably cocky, like she was teasing her. and the fact that shin's voice filled her whole mind like an echo in a chamber doesn't help her clear her mind. even in an odd psychic link, shin can be infuriating.

'you wish,' sabine replied in her mind, trying to put up a convincing annoyed act. 'this happened out of my control, okay?'

shin lets out a noise that sounded like a chuckle. 'you are a lousy liar, if you did not know already.' when sabine was about to protest her, shin interrupts, 'as much as i enjoy to watch you try to lie your way out, i am in the middle of hunting. you, are a distraction.'

sabine rolled her eyes, disconnecting herself from the freaky little mind connection thing. she almost choked on her tea when she finds ahsoka looking at her with such a knowing look. sabine finds it oddly infuriating and similar to shin. she hid her face behind her cup, shooting an unamused glare back.

"what?"

ahsoka smiles, and sabine has a bad feeling about it. "you were with her just know, weren't you?"

sabine chokes, "i- what are you–?" she sputters with flushing cheeks. she then manages, "how did you...?"

"well, you went quiet for a while," ahsoka points out the obvious with a smile, sipping her tea, "and i felt the presence of someone else briefly. someone you ran into rather frequently, on top of that."

"that's great," sabine grumbles. "so, the cost of using the force is no privacy for my mind, got it." perhaps she should learn the whole force mind-shield trick, if it's possible to learn it this early.

ahsoka laughs. "relax. i wasn't in your mind, ever." she then makes a move to stand, placing a hand on sabine's shoulder as she says, "i only felt something in the force, and i put two and two together."

sabine pouts, but didn't say anything to that. she opts to finish her bowl of food quickly, knowing ahsoka is going to prepare her for more training. when she finished eating, she quickly cleans the table and brought the dishes to get it cleaned.

ahsoka was preparing the practice floor by the time sabine finishes cleaning up, presumably for meditation training. not exactly sabine's most favourite part of training, but she really doesn't have much to say as a padawan. perhaps ahsoka might teach her how to not let other people look into her brain, that would be neat.

it was a few hours later when ahsoka concurred sabine's training for the day. her master had thrown in a little zatochi session post meditation, testing if her senses are more honed in than the first time sabine did it. to ahsoka's pleasure, sabine did improve when it comes to sensing ahsoka's intents. didn't entirely surprise ahsoka that sabine still falls victim to getting frustrated easily, resulting in ahsoka tripping her again.

"going to meet her again?" ahsoka called out as sabine was packing up a bag, smiling teasingly as she leans against the backrest of the common table.

sabine rolled her eyes. "oh, ha-ha."

"sabine, relax, it doesn't bother me what you do in your spare time." her togrutan master laughs, amused at sabine's defensiveness. ahsoka reaches over to a storage compartment, taking out the large fur coat that she doesn't wear, handing it to sabine. "take this. give it to her."

"what? why?" sabine frowns, looking down at the coat. she recalls that shin has her own cape thing that she wore to the hotspring yesterday.

ahsoka steps closer, her expression a little serious. "it's better used with her than it stays here, gathering dust. and sabine?" when sabine raised her brows expectantly, ahsoka continues, "ask her if she'd like to stay with us."

sabine eyes widened, unexpecting ahsoka's request. "wh– what do you mean 'stay with us'? why?"

"her master's abandoned her. she's alone."

"not as alone as you might think," sabine scoffs, petulant. "she's running with the bandits."

ahsoka shoots her a look, unimpressed. "you know that is not what i meant." she sighs patiently. "you can feel her, more than i do. you know what she feels, her emotions and her thoughts."

"yeah, i guess so..."

"and you of all people, knows best what it's like when your master walks away from you."

and there it is, the final strike home. sabine groans, "y'know, i hate it when you're right about things."

ahsoka laughs, deep and low in her torso. she pats sabine's shoulder and gave it an assuring squeeze. "i'm not always, and you know this. just try, sabine. she just needs someone at the moment."

"you think that someone is me?" sabine raises her brow, uncertain and expectant. ahsoka doesn't answer immediately, and sabine nods somewhat understandingly.

"you saw how she reacted when i offered my help the first time," ahsoka recounts to their last battle, where shin had looked so defeated and fled her and sabine. "i didn't believe she was ready then. but, like most things in life, we sometimes just needs to give it a little bit of time. i think she is more ready now, and with the right person," she nods at sabine, who pursed her lips in a tight-lipped smile, "she may accept our help."

sabine sighed, long and drawn. "alright, fine." the mandalorian grabs the fur coat, stuffing it in her bag. she huffs as she saddles the bag, walking towards the landing ramp. "i'll try to talk to her, but i can't promise anything. and if she kills me, you're responsible for murley!"

ahsoka merely laughs amusedly. "go!"

sabine waves at her master, before disappearing towards her howler and hops onto it's saddled back. her companion animal instantly takes off on it's strong legs, racing towards where it took her yesterday. sabine was tempted to search for shin again in their bond, but restrains herself and hopes that the blonde padawan will be there anyway.

her howler's speed began to decrease as the path to the hotspring becomes familiar to sabine's eyes. she scouts the surrounding, naturally out of instinct, for any bandits or nuisance that she'd have to fight off. the mandalorian sighs in relief when she saw nothing, and more importantly, sensed nothing dangerous in the force.

sabine hops off from her howler, keeping a gentle guiding hand on it's neck as they walk closer towards the spring. she finds a patch of thicker grass and softly commands 'tota' at her howler, unloading her bag and the sack of food for her howler. she scratches it's snout with a smile as it munches on the food sabine brought, whinying joyfully.

"you actually made it here again."

shin's voice filled sabine's surrounding and mind, and sabine wasn't even remotely surprised. she had sensed her arrival a few moments ago. and before she can say anything smart, shin had stolen the moment from her. sabine huffs amusedly.

"aw, were you expecting me to bail?" sabine teases with a smirk, turning from her howler to find shin. the blonde padawan is atop her white howler, head held high as always, and a ghost of a smirk on her lips. something felt a little off, though.

shin barely huffs out a laugh, sounding more like a restricted exhale. sabine watches closely; shin's arm is circled around her waist. like she's holding something in. sabine frowns, strutting closer towards shin, her skin breaking in sweat and her lips looking a little paler.

sabine then feels it; a pounding pain across her abdomen, the same area shin is clutching onto.

shin's tunic is leaking in red, sabine only now realises.

"shin!" sabine frantically approaches shin, wincing as she feels shin's pain on her body. the blonde padawan tries to get down from her howler, but could barely hold herself together. sabine commands the white howler 'tota' so she can help shin come down easier. "y-you're bleeding. what happened?"

shin grunts, pushing herself off of her howler. "i... we ran into a different group of bandits." her face contorts in pain as sabine lays her down on the ground, arm still clutching her bleeding abdomen. "they were not friendly." shin attempted at a joke, sabine assumes, but it came out as a whisper.

"i need you to remove your clothes." sabine hadn't realised what she blurted out, only registering what she said half a moment later, when shin looked at her with an incredulous and amused look. she tries composing herself as she says, "i brought a medkit, i'll wrap you up."

shin doesn't say anything, only nodding. sabine takes the sign to scramble back to her howler, grabbing her bag and searches for the medkit. she hopes it's sufficient enough to dress shin's wound, because if it's more serious, she'd need to take her to the fulcrum's medbay. that's about two dozens klicks from here, and sabine isn't sure shin can hold off that long of a journey back.

sabine returns to shin, laid on her back with the top part of tunic undressed. with it, reveals shin's wounded stomach. the injury is caked with a layer of crusted blood, mostly browned from oxidation, but still slightly leaking. sabine winces as she gauges the depth of shin's injury, but it's hard to conclude with the amount of blood covering the wound.

"i'm gonna start cleaning it up, okay?" sabine warns shin as she prepared a disinfecting kit, in which shin merely nodded weakly in response to. "it's gonna be a bit painful, so tell me if it's too much."

"do it," shin grunts, preparing herself. when the disinfectant grazes her injured skin, shin barked out a long and painful groan. sabine winces when shin grabs her arm, seemingly out of painful instinct. shin's body writhes as sabine continues wiping the bloodied wound, head thrown back whilst her eyes shut tightly in an agonizing manner. her eyes bolted open in a frenzy as she growled out, "fuck!"

sabine whispers calming phrases that she can remember in mando'a, working quickly and precisely on shin's injury. once cleaned, sabine can finally measure the depth of the gash on shin's stomach, and deduces it isn't as deep as she thought. it definitely requires stitching, and with limited kit, sabine had to resort to the quick-stitcher.

shin had gone quieter, huffing barely audible grunts. watching shin this awfully pale and unusually languid terrified sabine; she's always used to viewing shin as this indestructible force, that she's forgotten shin too, can bleed. her chest rises and falls in an arrhythmic pattern, lips pale and eyes sunken in.

"hey. shin?" sabine gently touches her shoulder, and shin sluggishly moves her head to face her. she smiles, tight-lipped and half apologetic. "i'm gonna stitch you up quickly, yeah?"

"alright." shin nods weakly, dropping her head back to the side again, facing away from sabine.

sabine sanitizes the quick-stitcher, a stapler-like device, and applies a topical numbing gel around the gash. shin hisses at the contact, but exhales softly afterwards. sabine works her way quickly, stitching shin's wound closed. the numbing gel works, sabine can tell from the way shin merely jumps at the first few stitches but didn't groan in pain.

when the last stitch was applied, sabine applies healing ointments before she props shin up to a raised position as she quickly wraps shin's wound with a sterile gauze neatly. sabine reaches to a boulder nearby through the force, placing it behind shin so the blonde padawan can lean her back against it to support her body.

"okay," sabine said in a relieved half-whisper, haphazardly storing her equipments back to the medkit box, "there. you're all good."

shin was quiet for a bit, huffing a long drawn-out breath. her eyes slowly opens, and sabine can guess she's slightly disoriented and hazy. shin's hand raised to hold her neatly bandaged torso, still partially naked as her tunic hangs open on her shoulder.

"this was not how i expected the day to go." shin winces as she tries sitting more upright, making a move to redo her tunic. the tone of her voice is indecipherable, but if sabine dared to guess, she sounds somewhat embarrassed of herself.

sabine's lips quirk to a half smile, sitting properly. "yeah, well. i don't think anyone ever really plans to get ambushed by a group of rogue bandits, huh?"

shin rolls her eyes weakly. "you are really not as funny as you think, did you know that?"

"you have a really funny way of saying thanks, did y'know that?" sabine returns with a cock of her brow. that earned her a faint disgusted look from shin, making her snort. she nudges shin, teasing but careful not to hurt the wound. "i did, just save you from bleeding out."

"you are infuriatingly confusing," shin sighs, leaning her head back against the rock behind her, but smiling at sabine nonetheless, "but i appreciate your help. you worked quick enough that it was not torturous for me."

this time, sabine rolled her eyes at shin's dry joke. "ha-ha. maybe i should have, if you wanted me to hurt you that much."

shin doesn't say anything, her faint smile shifts a little more somberly as her lidded eyes stays fixated on sabine's. the mandalorian sinks into shin's darkened greenish-blue eyes, couldn't tear her eyes away even if she wants to. not like she wants to, anyway. shin's pupils are slightly blown, but her gaze is strong. it reminded sabine when she stared at her at the shuttle ship, descending from morgan's golden hyperspace donut.

"what is in your head?" shin mutters with her usual tilt of her head, voice slightly scratched and accent heavy on her tongue. her evergrowing pale fringes are sticking to her forehead, edges poking her lids. sabine couldn't stop herself from brushing them away gently with the pads of her fingers.

sabine smiles. "aren't you usually in it? 'soka told me everyone can hop into my brain now, because i can access the force."

shin had this ghost of an unimpressed look on her face that sabine finds mildly hilarious. "just because we are intertwined in the force, doesn't mean i know what you are always thinking. your mind is always... a forest. a colourful and loud forest."

sabine typically doesn't blush this easily, but the things shin says or do makes it really hard for her to contain her flustered reactions. she had to actively fight her blush down so she wouldn't turn half as red as her hair when she was twenty six.

"uh, thanks?" sabine manages lamely, losing any remaining ounces of eloquency. when shin had this barely readable expression on her face, something that sabine tries to decipher as amusement, she tries to shift topic, "anyways. i was about to hop in for a relaxing dip before i had to stop you from spilling your whole guts out, literally."

shin rolled her eyes at sabine's joke, earning a satisfied smirk from the mandalorian. she then tries to get up, which immediately sprung sabine to help. "a soak in the hotspring does sound nice."

sabine tries to sit shin back down. "whoa, hey. what do you think you're doing?"

"going for a dip."

"uh, not with a big ass gash on your stomach, you won't?"

"you dressed it already." shin stubbornly retorted.

sabine groans, exasperated. "yeah, and it'll undress if you go for a soak, di'kut."

shin's brows dipped, contorting in a mild confusion and surprise. "what?"

"your bandage. it's gonna get ruined–"

"no, i know that," shin quickly interrupted sabine, inching closer in an unlikely speed towards the mandalorian's space, ultimately sending sabine backward out of reflex. shin's eyes narrowed. "you said something earlier. in an alien language."

"ali– huh?" sabine face contorts in confusion, before things began to click in her mind. "what, di'kut?" she repeated the word at shin, who nods in confirmation. sabine snorts. "that's a mando'a word. it means 'idiot'. because you were."

shin's brow furrowed, and sabine swears her bottom lip quirked up to a pouty frown. "i am not an idiot."

sabine shoots shin an unimpressed look, which the blonde padawan returns with an empty glare. "you literally wanted to soak in a hotspring after someone tore your whole stomach open."

"didn't you dress my wound with a waterproof gauze? it should keep dry for a few hours."

"i-" sabine tries to argue, but shin did have a point. the mandalorian sighed. even if she had better argument points, shin most likely would have ignored sabine and do as she wishes anyway. "alright, fine. but, if your bandage undressed and your wound reopens, you best believe i'll make it hurt when i have to restitch it."

shin quirked her brows in a manner sabine interprets as impressed. the blonde padawan smirks wolfishly. "is that a threat?"

sabine wants to wipe that infuriatingly attractive smirk on shin's face so badly. the mandalorian leans closer towards shin, closing the already small space between them, her eyes darting towards shin's now vanishing smirk. sabine's eyes finds shin's stellar blue eyes as she tilts the blonde padawan by her chin.

"it can be a promise."

sabine swears, for a miniscule split of seconds, shin's pupils dilated and she can hear the soft hitch of her breath; like it was caught in her throat.

shin huffs, amused. "i'll be waiting for it then."

sabine scoffs, but shin had ignored her. shin unclasps her armour and stacking them neatly beside her rock, struggling to lean forward to strip away the lower part of her clothes and armour. shin had kicked off her boots, and is now left with her tight fitting black tank and her matching underwear.

"are you gonna keep staring at me?"

shin's voice snaps sabine out of her blatant staring, turning away with the speed of light to hide her blush. to stop herself from thinking about shin undressing in front of her, sabine immediately began taking off her beskar, one plate at a time.

sabine heard shin rustling behind her, attempting to stand and walk on her own. she had to turn, and saw shin wobbling unsteadily on her feet, but after a few steps, she regained a somewhat more stable stride. when shin finally got into the water, sabine had just finished stripping out of her jumpsuit. she left her beskar pieces neatly next to shin's own armour.

the hotspring feels a lot warmer than yesterday, but it isn't like the heat is intolerable. shin had sat herself down closer towards the deeper parts, the clear water stopping just at her collarbones. her eyes are closed as she dips her head back into the water, and comes back up swiftly. she wipes away water and stray hair clinging to her face, and sighed.

"the water just fine for you?" sabine asks as she dives headfirst, feeling the warmth prickling her cold cheeks. she resurface with a gasp, brushing purple locks away from her face and swims towards shin.

shin hums, eyes still closed. sabine couldn't help but watch shin's throat bobs up and down, and nearly drowned herself after catching herself doing it. shin's voice is soft when she spoke: "the springwater feels nice. i find this place to be a sanctuary in the midst of this wasteland of a planet."

sabine swims closer, stopping herself only a few inches away from shin. "yeah?"

shin nodded, finally peeling her eyes open. her gaze finds sabine's, and sabine began to wonder why are shin's eyes so captivating that she couldn't look away even if she tries. her aquamarine eyes began to roam sabine's face, dancing all over to find whatever it is shin is trying to find, before settling on her lower lip for a few seconds.

sabine feels shin reaching out to her, spread out in thr force. she reached towards shin, trying to meet her in the middle. her eyes almost rolled shut when she finds shin within the force, feeling an intense wave of warmth washing over her whole body.

shin is pulling her closer.

sabine hadn't even realised that she was physically padding towards shin's body until she opens her eyes and finds herself in between shin's legs. her face was much too close to shin's face, but shin isn't showing signs of protest. the blonde padawan's skin has regained some colour from sitting in the hotspring that she lost from the injury, and sabine finds herself staring unashamedly at shin's lips.

it's safe to say that shin barely noticed anything from sabine, because she's also much too occupied eyeing sabine's own lips hungrily. their bond in began to pulse and pull each other in as they feel each other and the ever growing tension that seems amplified. shin had already engulfed sabine in the force with her own tendril-like connection, wrapping her in an intense wave of pleasure and warmth.

"shin…" sabine couldn't stop a breathy whine laced underneath as she says the other padawan's name, the sound escaped her lips straight into shin's mind.

shin winces when sabine wraps herself around shin through their bond, and for a fraction of seconds, the mandalorian was worried she might have hurt shin. alas, with the way shin is grabbing onto sabine's hips, sabine can easily concur that it isn't out of pain. shin's skin burns under her touch, and not because of the warmth of the water surrounding them.

sabine hadn't even realised her body was being yanked forward and found herself seated atop of shin, suddenly looking down into a pair of darkened blue-greenish eyes and drowning into her.

shin's eyes flickered from sabine's down to her lips again before coming back up to meet her again. there's raw and hungry need behind those eyes; sabine doesn't even need to look at shin's eyes to know. sabine ran the pad of her thumb against shin's lower lip, almost sighing when her lips nibbled against her thumb.

she can feel shin; everything that shin is feeling.

shin's lips tremble against sabine's thumb, leaving her lips parted expectantly, and sabine is actively fighting the urge to slip her thumb inside. instead, she drags her thumb down to shin's chin, tilting her up even further. a surprised whine escaped shin.

"sabine…"

sabine shuts her eyes again. she reels in the way shin had said her name in the exact same way as she did yesterday; the way it sends chills up her spine and warmth down her abdomen. shin's grip on her hips tightened, threatening to dip lower. sabine couldn't help but smirk when she opens her eyes again, finding a new and much more satisfying look on shin's eyes.

shin is desperate; oozing with so much want.

"tell me," sabine whispered just above shin's lips, pulling back when the blonde padawan chases after her lips; smiling so teasingly as she hovers above, "what do you want, shin? use your words, cyar'ika."

a soft grunt escaped shin's lips, going straight into sabine's mouth, incoherent, but sabine heard it fine. "i need to kiss you."

sabine smiles, satisfied. her hand finds the side of shin's head, fingers gripping her mane of blonde as she dives her lips into shin's hungry ones. she can feel shin instantaneously grabbing her by her ass and pulls her closer into the open mouthed kiss, moaning from her touch straight into shin's throat.

shin is impatient; jagged and hurried, as she devours sabine whole. her teeth found flesh so easily and efortlessly as sabine allows her to nip and bite on her bottom lip. sabine tasted shin's pure, unadulterated raw need and want bleeding into her tongue, gripping into shin's neck and hair like a lifeline.

everything felt explosive; within her, within shin, and the area around them. their bond heightened every single senses in their body and tuning them to each other and everything surrounding them. it's sending sabine to a huge overdrive.

sabine began to wince in a mix of pleasure and pain; everything pricks at her skin but it feels so good at the same time. her fingers slipped further into the back of shin's head, yanking her hard enough to pull shin out of their hungry kiss. shin, much like a hungry animal, instantly chased for skin when they separated from the kiss, her lips and teeth latching onto sabine's pulse.

"shin... it's–" sabine chokes a moan when shin sucks just right on her pulse point, "fuck… shin... we need–" a louder moan escaped her, unsure why, "shin, it's t-too much now… we need to stop… shin!"

sabine's words fell on deaf ears as shin ignores her and kept her mouth busy on her collarbones, hands roaming on her ass like it's the only thing keeping shin alive. sabine wishes she could give in to the pleasure, but the pain is getting unbearable. the hand on shin's neck pushed her down hard enough, eliciting a surprised choked moan from shin.

sabine had to pretend that the noise didn't arouse her so much more than shin already did.

"shin, we need to p-pull away..." sabine hisses sternly through pain and pleasure. when she felt the bond between them pulsing again, she had to fight back another moan. "shin, pull away. right now."

shin regained a little more coherency and restraint at the urgency in sabine's tone, nodding as she began to slowly detach herself from sabine, physically and through the force.

somehow, pulling away from each other has become more painful than when they were engulfed in each other. shin growled carnally while sabine is on the other end, clutching her whole body in her arms because of the pain.

sabine immediately shuts off the bridge between them the same time as shin did, and much like yesterday, they both laid on opposite ends with bated and uneven breaths. shin laid flat on her back against the edges of the spring, whereas sabine was on her stomach and propped on her arms weakly.

"shin," sabine breathlessly called, trying to crawl closer towards shin. she gargled on the water, choking out, "are you okay?"

shin grunts as she rises from the water. "i'm alright." she turns to find sabine beside her. "you do not look or sound as alright."

sabine shush her as she tries dragging her body upwards, flipping over wetly so she's on her back. "shut up. not everyone who just had what felt like force-sex on spice gets to walk away as easily as you do, okay? i think i fried a bunch of my nerves."

"i see you've found your eloquency back."

"fuck you."

shin kinked a brow, amused. "didn't you already?"

sabine shot her a glare, but with the flushed cheeks, it's really not putting much effect. "shin hati, i swear i'll shoot you with my blaster if you keep talking."

sabine swears she saw shin's cheeks and neck flush a faint red, but doesn't think much about it, blaming it on the heat of the hotspring. speaking of necks, sabine starts to feel the dull throb of where shin had latched on her skin, groaning loudly.

"please tell me you didn't leave any marks," sabine moans as she touches the tender spots.

shin eyes sabine's neck, a ghost of her infuriating smirk began to haunt over her lips. guiltlessly, shin says, "there are some red marks all over."

"oh, come on! i bruise easily, shin!"

"you are a lot more adorable than i thought, then."

sabine grumbled loudly, but can't really bring herself to be actually mad at shin. "i really am going to shoot you with my blaster one day."

shin tilts her head back. "i will be waiting on that." she then slowly starts to rise from the water, walking slightly bent forward while clutching her bandaged wound. sabine watches with narrowed eyes as shin struts towards their pile of clothes and armour.

sabine had suspected something, immediately rising from the water to chase shin. shin quirked her brows, expression confused, but her body is shifted away from sabine's eyes as shin fumbles over with her tunic and pants.

sabine crossed arms. "your wound opened, didn't it." when shin ignored her, sabine grabbed her by her hips to look for the injury. and sure enough, the now soaking bandage is seeping with red right where shin's wound is at. "i told you it'll reopen."

shin merely shrugs, putting on her pants and tunic over her wet clothes. she began clasping up her armour pieces, while sabine huffs and puts on her own jumpsuit, skipping her beskar pieces. she takes out the large fur coat in her bag to make room for her beskar, tossing the coat at shin.

"what is this for?" shin asks, puzzled.

sabine zips up her jumpsuit. "put it on. it's almost nightfall and it'll get cold. you're coming back with me to my camp."

shin frowns. "no. i will go back to my own."

"shin, for fuck's sake," sabine groaned, unamused, "your wound is open. you come back to your camp with a gaping wound like that, and i'll have to look for your cold body tomorrow. i doubt the bandit's camp is crawling around with medkits or droids." when shin is unmoving, sabine sighs, speaking softer, "come with me. just for the night. deal?"

shin was quiet for a few beats, before sighing curtly. "fine. just for tonight."

sabine nodded, helping shin get up on her howler. "stay slumped over so your stitches won't get any more loose."

shin nodded quietly, and sabine hops onto her howler, guiding the white howler behind her as they make their way back to the fulcrum and the noti camp. sabine made a couple turns to look back at shin, making sure she didn't fall off her howler, and was relieved each time shin stays slumped over. her white howler is swift, but is gentle with shin.

they made it back to the fulcrum in only a couple of minutes, and sabine quickly got down from her howler to help shin come down from hers. sabine saddles her bag on one shoulder, and props shin on her other shoulder as they walk into the fulcrum's landing ramp.

"huyang!!" sabine yells into the fulcrum and drops her bag haphazardly. "is the med droid online?"

huyang appeared from the lightsaber parts storage room, halted in his track as he finds an awkwardly standing sabine with shin on her shoulder, looking at him expectantly and impatiently.

"i believe it's rebooting. i'll go and check it."

sabine mutters a small 'thanks' as she drags shin towards the medbay, the sliding door hissing open and the whiff of sanitary disinfectant hits both of their nostrils. shin wrinkles her nose, disagreeing with the scent, but made no comments.

"c'mon, let's get you up on the bed."

sabine hurriedly unclasped the fur coat and diligently undoes shin's damp tunic. she turns to the shelf to grab a pair of scissors to rip open shin's bandage, tossing the damp and bloodied gauze away. she snips away at the quick-stitches and threw them. she was preparing a disinfecting wipe when the door slides open and revealed an inquisitive ahsoka.

"sabine?"

"oh, hey, 'soka." sabine nods at her master. she then began to dab the disinfectant wipe on shin's without warning or preparation.

shin instantly growled, "fuck, sabine!!" while yanking on the sleeves of sabine's jumpsuit. the blonde padawan threw her head back in pain, before shooting a rabid glare at sabine as she spits, "a warning would be nice."

sabine rolled her eyes, ignoring shin. "i told you. if your wound reopens, i'll make the restitching hurt. you wanted my promise, didn't you?"

"fuck you." shin barely hissed it out because she had to throw her head back in pain when sabine pressed the wipe on her wound harder, groaning loudly.

"lady wren, the medic droid is online." huyang calls from the doorway, just behind ahsoka. "do you still need it's assistance?"

"no."

shin glares at sabine, borderline murderous. sabine thinks it's familiar to when they first met.

ahsoka steps in, lucky for shin. "let the droid work. sabine? a word."

sabine nods, tossing her wipes away. she sneers at shin. "you're lucky tonight, shin." she skids over to let the medic droid in to the medbay, grabbing huyang by his metallic arm, softly whispering, "keep an eye on her, will you?"

huyang nods, and sabine left shin with the droids in the medbay as she struts towards the common table with ahsoka sat on it. sabine pours two cups of tea, and slides the other cup at ahsoka while she sips on her own cup.

sabine was the first to ask. "what's up?"

"did you fight her?" ahsoka nods at the medbay.

"no, i found her like that. said she ran into a different kind of bandits and someone nearly gutted her." sabine sets down her cup, crossing her arm forward. "i patched her up, but the stitches were loose. had to bring her here, else she'd spill her whole intenstines out."

ahsoka nods, slow and processing. she sighs, and sabine isn't quite sure what that meant. "do you trust her, sabine?"

"shin?" sabine's brow quirked, chuckling. "she's harmless as a loth kitten. a bit feral, but a kitten, nonetheless."

"did she come with willingly?" ahsoka shifts to face sabine, curious.

sabine shrugs. "only for the night. i don't know about next, but that's a problem for tomorrow." the mandalorian stretches her arms up high, feeling her muscles tightening in coils. "she can have my bunk, i'll sleep at the cockpit."

ahsoka chuckles. "no, you won't. stay with her."

"what do you mean stay with her?" sabine had whipped her head at ahsoka in a speed of light.

"no need to pretend like you don't like staying by her side when you're with me, padawan," ahsoka teases sabine, nudging her shoulder as she heads towards the medbay. her togrutan master had an amused look in her eyes that sabine does not like, and it doesn't help stopping herself from getting flustered. "i'm gonna have a sit down talk with her for a bit."

the medbay door closes, and sabine groans. there's really no arguing with ahsoka at this point, so sabine heads to the bunks to clear out her bunk. she shuts the door to the bunks to change from her jumpsuit to a more casual, loose fitting sleepwear clothes. subconsciously, she draws another pair of light shaded sleepwear clothes for their guest.

sabine gets out of the bunks to grab her bag and unpack her beskar pieces and stores them properly. she scatters her armguards and blasters on the common table, inspecting and polishing her weapons.

she reloaded her blasters with new rounds, and was in the middle of inspecting her armguards when the medbay door hissed open, producing ahsoka and a topless shin, with neatly stitched stomach.

sabine had to forcibly peel her eyes off of shin, and catches ahsoka telling shin, "rest for the night. we can discuss more in the morning."

shin doesn't say much, only nodding at ahsoka. sabine watches as her master gently pats shin's shoulder in a similar gesture as ahsoka always does to sabine. ahsoka heads towards the cockpit and shutting the door, leaving the two padawans in an awkward silence in the common table. huyang had left elsewhere, probably going to low power mode after rebooting the medic droid.

sabine looks at shin, who was already staring at her. the mandalorian leaves her weapons on the common table, grabbing shin by her hands to drag them towards the bunks and shutting the door behind. shin stood like a lost puppy, half naked, so sabine hands her the pair of sleep clothes.

"put these on," sabine instructed, kinking her brows, "what happened to your tunic?"

shin puts on the loose sleeveless shirt, struggling slightly due to the fresh stitches. sabine tries not to think of how adorable shin is with dishevelled hair. "your droid took it to get it cleaned. he insisted."

sabine laughs. "ah, yeah. that's huyang for you."

shin looks around curiously, holding her pauldrons. "where should i put my armour?"

"just put it on the storage compartment over there." sabine yawned, stretching her back. "you go ahead and sleep on my bunk. i'm gonna take the spare."

"and your master?"

"ahsoka? she seems content with sleeping in the cockpit. i don't blame her. she purrs in her sleep."

shin had an incredulous look on her face, but didn't comment on it. she sighs as she strips off her pants to switch into the matching sleep pants sabine gave her, before tucking into sabine's bunk. sabine watches curiously as shin squeezes far into the wall, leaving space beside her, turning to look at sabine expectantly.

"there's more than enough space here."

"what, you want me to sleep with you?"

shin shot her a look. "do not pretend like you weren't considering it. i can still feel your thoughts."

sabine tries to argue, but purses her lips anyway. she huffs, taming down the blush rising on her chest. "fine, alright. stop peeping into my brain."

shin shuffles as sabine lays down beside her, a faint smirk curling up her lips. "i am not. besides, there isn't much to look into anyway."

sabine wanted to say something snarky back at shin, but watching shin with her dishevelled hair and face much too close than sabine expected, she couldn't stop herself from letting her gaze drop to shin's lips. without thinking, sabine caught shin's lips in hers, smirking in satisfaction when shin made a noise akin to a soft mewl. it was swiftly replaced with shin kissing her back hungrily in rushed little pecks.

"eager, aren't we?" sabine mutters in half-whispers against shin's lips, pulling back teasingly when she frustratedly tries to chase sabine's lips. she supressed a moan when one of shin's hands grips at her hip, rewarding the blonde padawan with another kiss and tugs at her now reddening lower lip.

shin doesn't reply verbally, opting to slot one of her thighs between sabine's, humming in satisfaction when the mandalorian instinctively bucked her hips against her. when she spoke again, her voice is husked and low, "you were saying?"

sabine sighed, finding shin's hungry gaze again.

oh, this is definitely going to be a long night.

#sabine wren #shin hati #ahsoka tano #huyang #wolfwren #ahsoka series #ahsoka #star wars #oftenlywrites #wolfwren fic #wolfwren fic 4 #wolfwren force bond type thing? #the way..... i intended this to be a mini fic #sigh #...dont look at me like that #DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THIS SHIT TOOK ME #four (4) whole ass days #probably the longest (coherent) piece i've ever written #they make my brain go brr #ahsoka the wolfwren captain #clearly titles are NOT my forte #still deathly alergic to 'em yup #um chile anyways serving soft topdom sabine #because she got bse

[clown-owo]

🤨

bonus:

#good omens spoilers #gos2spoilers #good omens #good omens season 2 #goodomensedit #aziraphale #crowley #og post #gifs #the thesis of this gifset is: #“aziraphale lies BADLY to crowley's FACE repeatedly for no reason and crowley ALWAYS takes him at his word #but crowley's the demon so he's the one who lies. apparently" #i just think its hilarious #and the fact that crowley doesn't notice aziraphale lying despite the fact he knows how he lies (see: Job) because “why would he lie to ME” #i don't think crowley thinks the inverse of aziraphale (“you're an angel. its not what you do”) because he KNOWS he lied to heaven #(again see:Job) #this took so fucking long i'd open photoshop and my computer would shit itself #even worse if i dare opened a longer video to make into several gifs #sacrificed my Firefox window to my computer like a newborn lamb so that photoshop may live but it barely even helped #apparently i do NOT have the needed ram for gifmaking #i mean i did do it. i completed it. but still #though it worked a bit better after i restarted my computer. so. maybe i should do that more frequently lmao #i tried to include “i'm a demon. i lied” but it just did not. fit. quite right

[whataduck]

various doodles as a part 2 of sorts to this

#rain world #rainworld #abyssdoodl #wanna know why it took so long? cuz for some reason i had to do a painting a wholeass painting why do i do this to myself #ft me being an idiot and missing the scavenger merchant in shaded so i just carried a lantern mouse with me the whole way to crypts because #thats how i thought they wanted you to go #i indeed couldnt see shit #and i didn't really know there were spiders it was just 'the mysterious darkness that wants to eat me' but hey it's okay i have my mouse :) #you'll protect me lil mouse right? right?

[good-beanswrites]

If it's okay with you, could you write a drabble about the hypothetical aftermath of Amane getting attacked by Kotoko?

Welp thank you pal for making me absolutely insane with this request 👍 I ran through a few hypotheticals and realized I had to shift some things around since there were so many absolutely tragic outcomes. I worked something out but damn if it didn’t make me emotional to think about how uniquely rough Amane has it. Even making sure she's in a good place at the end, this got pretty serious, so warnings for child abuse and cult references. 

(So in canon, Kotoko goes in order and attacks Fuuta, but Kazui steps in. Then she attacks Mahiru while he’s distracted with his injuries. She’s about to attack Amane, but Mikoto gets in the way (my hc that he did it on purpose survives!). By the time they reach a draw, Kazui is back, and the two of them can prevent Kotoko from any further action against Amane. Sticking to this apparent system of three attacks and one rescue, I’m just shuffling around the injuries for this story. Fuuta’s attack went unnoticed, and he’s in the same state as canon Mahiru. Mikoto steps in before Kotoko can fight Mahiru, so Mappi’s the one who get out physically unscathed. While Mikoto checks on Mahiru, recovers himself, or discovers Fuuta, Kotoko is able to attack Amane next. Kazui comes to help, but not before she leaves Amane looking like canon Fuuta.)

Mahiru could practically feel her heart shatter into a million pieces when Amane finally cried in front of her. She hadn’t shed a single tear yesterday – it was the shock, Shidou said. Mahiru was skeptical. After all, she had been shocked, too, and cried plenty.

Amane woke as she came in with breakfast. She took a moment to survey herself, bandages peeking out from beneath her pajamas and an eyepatch securely over her right eye. As calmly as one might say “good morning,” she started to cry. Mahiru might have missed it, if Amane hadn’t wiped at her good eye with her sleeve.

“Oh, sweetheart…!” Mahiru rushed over to her. “It’s okay, I’m here.” She wanted nothing more than to wrap the girl in a secure embrace, but she remembered the mass of bandages that were around her chest. Shidou had mentioned broken ribs and bruises. It took everything in her not to cry along with Amane, at the thought.

“I can get you another ice pack, if you need. Or more medicine.” Her mind spun with ways to help with pain. Many of the first aid supplies had been used to keep Fuuta from the brink of death, but surely there were extras to spare for Amane. 

The girl just shook her head. 

She muttered, “I can’t… I…I’m going to be punished, I’m going to be punished…”

“No! You’re safe now.” Mahiru placed her hands gently on Amane’s arms. “Kotoko’s not coming back. We’re all watching over you. You’re safe. She’s not going to hurt you anymore.” 

“That’s not…” Amane pulled away. Her voice stayed level, despite hiccups interrupting her. A hand reached up to her eyepatch. “It’s this. It’s all of this. It’s sinful. I took it off last night, but he must have…” She started unwrapping it. “They’re going to punish me...” 

With a careful motion, Mahiru held it in place and took Amane’s hands into her own. She’d been picking up on the signs ever since they arrived here together, and a final wave of understanding washed over her. 

“I can’t let you do that.”

Amane’s expression twisted, though words came out far more frantic than fiery. “Let me go.” 

Mahiru didn’t. “I’m sorry. Amane, you need this treatment.”

“That is not your decision to make. That is not any human’s decision to make.”

Mahiru pressed her lips together. “I know. But I can’t watch as you… I can’t sit by again while someone…” She was careful not to apply any pressure, but she could no longer fight the urge to gather Amane up in her arms. “You don’t need to be afraid of those people, anymore.”

“I’m not afraid.” Amane hiccuped. “They love me, and I love them. I need to be good for them.”

“I love you, and I don’t want to see you in pain.”

“You just pity me because I’m young.”

“Why does your age matter? You are a lovely young woman – you are my friend – and I can’t bear to see you in pain.”

The two sat in silence for a moment. Mahiru doubted she would take that as an answer; Amane had refused to call any of the others her friend. At least she didn’t argue. In fact, it seemed she was leaning into the embrace a bit more. She sighed a shaky breath into Mahiru’s uniform.

“Listen, Amane. Can you do me a favor? I’m trying to be a good girl, too. To make up for something awful, I need to make sure you’re alright. Can you help me? Can we be good together?”

A long pause followed. Amane’s voice spoke up, ever so gently.

“I suppose I can consider it.” She added quickly, “for the sake of your redemption. Of course.”

“Of course.”

#milgram #amane momose #mahiru shiina #thank you so much! i dont want to be bubbly on such a serious drabble but i want to give an enthusiastic thanks because this one really got #the gears turning!! #i started making plans as soon as i saw the ask and it took so long finding something that wouldnt result in straight up tragedy :( #if i kept to the initial timeline and said kazui didnt step in until amanes attack then both fuuta and mahiru would be close to death #and given there seems to limited supplies i think one of them would have died if shidou needed to treat three critical patients #so i moved people around to make sure everyone survived #which brought me to the main problem of amane self sabotaging her medical care #even minor injuries could have resulted in death if she got her way and removed bandages/refused treatment #but the mental strain of keeping the treatment would be just as bad as the physical pain -- shed be paranoid 24/7 of #divine punishment and repeating the mistakes that led her here.... it would hurt more to be forced like that #so i needed someone to be able to get through to her gently #but the only one who shes been able to trust just got the shit beat out of him and is in no position to talk!!!! #everyone else would just make her more upset or not know how to convince her the right way :( #still - i think mahiru could do it the best! with her own trauma from allowing loved ones to die in front of her i think shed be motivated #so. yeah. #i know amane is supposed to be talking in the plural pronoun now but i couldnt get it to work - lets just say that kicks in soon after this #tw cults #tw child abuse #drabbles

[imminent-danger-came]

The 1x00 AHiB -> 4x06 glowup

#this just reminded me I need to make a ''being there for your friends when they need you'' post #because that shit is EVERYWHERE #LIKE THAT'S ALL THEY FUCKING TALK ABOUT #''It's okay sandy! You're always there for us when we need you. The least we can do is be there for you when you need us.'' (4x06) #''No! Mei is my best friend. I'd never abandon her when she needs me—we're heroes! It's what we do!'' (3x10) #''You don't know! We'd risk it for sure! I won't abandon them when they need us'' (4x02) #''As long as I'm doing something to help out a friend- I don't mind what it is! I just want to be there for 'em when they need me.'' (2x08) #''Wukong only values people by how useful they are to him'' (3x08) #''No no honestly—this is exactly what I need right now. I'm trapped under a mountain- but the 6-earred macaque brought me a peach!'' #(4x11) #Literally just the shit off of the top of my head #and then. And then that in contrast with #''I get it. I'd do anything for my friends! But at the cost of the world?'' LIKE GOD DAMMIT LEGOS #You took the basic bitch ''Help you friends'' theme and went ''But what if helping your friend hurt others'' like come on man #Hello #Where am I #I'm dying. I'm dying #Okay imma go do hw......I guess....whatever.... #lmk #lego monkie kid #lmk parallels #lmk Sandy #lmk Mei #lmk Pigsy #lmk Tang #OH GOD ALSO. ''I will become someone they can depend on...the way I can always depend on them!'' (3x08) #AND #''But you're always there when I need you- so it's time for me to return the favor!'' (2x04) #Which also just ties into ''we'll figure this out together'' as a whole right #what. ever.

[puppyeared]

adhd comix

#man i dont even have the energy to be mad. im just tired #like. dont u love it when your parents exhibit symptoms of ADHD and your sibling is diagnosed with a learning disability #and instead of thinking oh shit what if the other one has smth too. they subject you to The Horrors #i cant bring myself to hate my parents. but im tired of feeling obligated to defend them when the thing they think is working #isnt actually working and ive just found other ways to cope to avoid any sort of conflict. like lying and stealing. lol #if someone took me aside and said 'hey so your brain doesnt make as much dopamine as usual and its not a bad thing it just means you #need external stimulation and reward system to function and youre not actually secretly fucked up or lazy' as a kid #im pretty sure i wouldnt be here rn with half the problems i already have. unfortunately getting diagnosed late means u dont have a teacher #to back you up at a parent teacher conference that forces your parents to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it hoping itll #go away on its own. but hey what do i know i have squirrel ipad baby disease. what do i know about my own symptoms #AND. AND i think im allowd to be mad bc ive been doing my own research on this for years before and after diagnosis #theyve been putting me thru the WORST parenting techniques on earth. which they could have corrected at anytime but they were #comfortable thinking they were doing it right and didnt bother to check if they were or werent fucking up their kid in the long run #and refusing to acknowledge it. i just!! they just decided one day hey lets make babies!! and just looked at books on how to make #a human being survive as long as possible!!! what the fuck!!!! #im sorry for putting this on ppls dashes but i am. so tired. of bottling this up. and im not looking for sympathy or anything i just need #to scream and clench my fists to SOMEONE about it because theyre not gonna take this well up the ass. sigh #yapping #vent

[exausta-verytired]

I'm bringing all of you to the capoeira practice

#also wondering how many of you are only siblings because I'm pretty sure the first place I learnt to throw a punch was at home #I also got in a lot of physical fights because I took no shit with homophobic bullying and cat calling #but but. both football and capoeira in my neighbourhood were important to me growing up because it gave me the knowledge that I could in #fact beat up a man because physical strength isn't the only thing at play #and I do think the fact most boys grow up having very physical games while girls don't plays a huge factor in women being conditioning to #not react #genuinely think the most important thing when you're in a real fight. is how many real fights you've been on before #a lot of men are very weak for pain. you can beat them in endurance. like I understand there's disadvantage but I hate the DOOMY way some #women talk about men being larger/stronger as someone who's successfully fought off many situations #but this is also why I hate most self defense. like regularly practicing martial arts does help. but a 10 hours course will not kick in a #desperate situation where you need muscle memory. my best advice is if you don't know how to throw a punch just DON'T you can do more with #your elbows or slapping. just. a lot of fights it's being willing to let the desperation kick in and go for the throat yk #honestly I KNOW how to throw a punch and even I tend to go for elbows because I'm 160cm and not that strong lol #anyways my worst opinion as someone who works with teens is that I think sometimes we should let kids solve some problems with their hands #will always pretend I don't see gay students or women who get harassed throwing punches #some of you truly should've caused more chaos in your school years #also it's really sad that women were banned from capoeira for a long time some 'tradicionalists' still complain #it's all about being nimble and smarter in order to beat an opponent you ASSUME it's stronger than you. it just feels great #gave me a lot of confidence when I really needed ot

[aconstantstateofbladerunner]

Another unforeseen frustration in my quest to find a romance novel I actually like: a huge chunk of college romances are written by people who have clearly never been to college.

#i can’t take this shit seriously #colleges don’t have clicks #no one cares of you are a virgin #no one cares how you dress #i took every single exam in pajamas #the real weirdos skateboard down the quad with a canoe oar #posers who think they are weird for liking books don’t get invited places #i’ve gotten more pressure to drink at a single one of my mom’s book club meetings #that my entire four years of college #when are you doing class work? #have you ever had to write even an undergraduate essay? #Do you know how long those take? #why are classes just called ‘english’ #and not something like ‘Literature of the Great Depression’ #Why is the professor asking the class if they predicted the two leads falling in love? #and not i don’t know any actual analysis!? #and why doesn’t anyone talk about their classes outside of them? #me and my friends loved discussing our lessons #both those from my department and from other majors #no talking out a project you’re having trouble with? #no struggling with the transition from high school essay writing to college level? #No stories about your favorite professors? #no gaining perspectives from a different major? #clubs? hangouts? soccer on the tennis courts at 3am? #i thought i would like these because i loved college and miss it #but these are all just high school without a bell #plus they’re mostly just bad in other ways too #i think I’m done with this genre #booklr

[criscura]

I wish I wasn't so exhausted and I could make more art.... I even planned out a whole prompt-a-day month for Saigenos/Genosai, TWICE, but the first time no one seemed like they could participate when I asked about it, and the second time I friggin lost the damned plan. I could remake it a third time, but I just....I don't know.

I've been really struggling to get along for a while, and I think if it didn't hit it off--or even if I just got really productive and it seemed like I was reaching crickets--I'd be so incredibly discouraged that it would bring me down even further. It usually takes my stuff a few months to a year to get reach, and that really doesn't do anything for me when I need the support immediately.

It's not that I don't have a billion ideas for so many different things, but my battery has been taking longer and longer to charge up and it's been running out faster and faster, and it's been like this for....a year?? Ish?? Maybe longer, I don't know.

I wish I could just stop needing so much fucking time to bounce back.....

#written from my bed as I'm almost crying from exhaustion and hopelessness #I'm PMSing and I had a really tiring day so i know this feels worse than normal #but when you've been struggling to fall asleep for months because waking up means being disappointed in yourself #for everything you failed to do the day before and everything you know you're going to fail to do again today #it's really hard not to feel like shit about yourself #trying to be constantly hopeful but never living up to your expectations #and then the few times that you do you completely crash for days #and then the only way to not crash is to have your big accomplishment be 'i went to the gym' 'i took a shower' 'i answered a message' #and just. again #to have the be the way you're living for months and months and months #it's so embarrassing to admit how little i can do and it makes me so ashamed knowing how much I've done and see what everyone else around me #is constantly doing #and then when i do share things it just kind of dies off because I've been too exhausted to maintain most relationships #which ALSO makes me feel like absolute fucking shit because i think people think i just don't care about them #when it's really that it takes me hours to get out of bed and I'm lucky if i remember to eat before 4 #and I hate so much of myself and see it as such a huge waste of time that it uses up almost all the energy i have to take care of myself #but if i don't do it I'll just hate myself even more #i know i keep on complaining about this but I'm. I'm trying to fix it #i have BEEN trying to fix it actively for so fucking long #but it's.....i think I've stopped believing anything i do has significant worth and it makes it hard to keep trying #and i know people will read this and say take something for it but when you're only interactions with medications and drugs #are one experience that scarred you so bad you didn't go to the doctors for ten years and one experience so bad #that you couldn't even explain it at first without HARDCORE disassociating #it's hard to convince yourself that anything will ever be any better and that it won't make everything intensely worse for years

[sunflowersand-bees]

#holy shit you guys do not wanna know how long this took #i had to go look up every single one of these pictures #if i missed a character dont tell me i might kill someone #theyre all gay #because i said so #argyle #fred benson #chrissy cunningham #vickie #robin buckley #eddie munson #lucas sinclair #alexei smirnoff #el hopper #jane hopper #eleven hopper #dustin henderson #max mayfield #nancy wheeler #steve harrington #will byers #mike wheeler #jonathan byers #byler #ronance #vickie x robin #vickie x chrissy #steddie #stonathan #riv rambles

[jekyllnahyena]

Fuckin love having medical students as friends. Whenever I find something and need to figure what the fuck that does and if it's something to help me sleep, they'll just open their brain glossary and give me an in depth explanations and what I have to look out for.

#'are those my sleeping pills that i have yet to try?' #*long explanation of technically no but also yes nowadays and very much yes for me and how that works with other medicine* #'....cool :D' #you really learn that a lot of shit was not used for that but the side-effects were much more effective and so they took out the 'side' #actually how many of these fuckers do i know #6 #damn #amd they're all very smart #while im the readon they have to study and tell me not to do dangerous shit

[starlystudios]

“Well,” the hero sighed. “Evil never sleeps I guess.”

Based off the DTIYS from @turquoisemagpie before it… spiralled out of control. But hey, here’s Jackie! This really kicked me back into a JSE and art mood so it was fun :D

(And yes, the sign says “JACKSEPTICEYE”, why do you ask?)

The unfancy version (where it looks like a DTIYS)

#my art #art #fanart #septicart #septic egos #jackieboy man #do you know how long it took me to get the words on the shit right? #do you? #i have art o-level GCE and it had been ingrained in me by my teacher to do fucking ‘interesting perspective’ #thanks ‘cher really made things difficult for me #it’s stuff like this that reminds me why I like art so much so thanks Soph #as I was posting I realised I made some oopsies because I’m an anxious perfectionist #but I’m also aware you’re not supposed to advertise your mistakes #so if it managed to pass my first inspection it’s good enough for me #this isn’t being professionally critiqued anyways so #also the way I hung Jackie’s mask is actually how I hang my mask when I eat #and I don’t have a convenient tissue or plastic or carabiner

[shivasdarknight]

[Image ID: A screenshot of user redwinterroses (from Jan 27, 2022) tinted yellow to indicate that it is a screenshot and not a post on the dashboard. The screenshot reads: All I'm saying is, if a fic refers to characters by their physical attributes instead of their names or pronouns ("he smiled at the older" "the blonde laughed") when we know who the character is, and ESPECIALLY if the descriptions include "ravenette" or "cyanette" or other ridiculous words--

I'm clicking out of that fic so fast my Ao3 history won't even register I've been there. /.EndID]

I'm gonna use this as a launching point for something that really bugs me with regards to how people - especially folks on tumblr - talk about fanfiction and if something isn't "up to snuff" or to their tastes. This ranges anywhere from grammar and punctuation, to even judgement towards someone for their skill in writing and how they frame it on tumblr - such as word choice or dialogue tags (said and its variants). Plenty of other things that get torn into (like POV type like first, second, or third (usually its first getting dunked on, second if you're not a Homestuck); or even tropes) but that's a different discussion, and I'm focusing more on how people talk about things that are "subpar". There are many posts like this, but I want to use this one to talk more about it as it's the one I most recently found. We're going to talk about this attitude, critique vs criticism vs what tumblr thinks is good critique with regards to writers (regardless of skill level, but mostly beginner ones), so this will get a bit lengthy.

Let's get definitions out of the way so everyone is clear here. When I say critique, this is in reference to feedback given towards a thing (writing, art, etc.) with the intention of improving upon it. Critique has a narrow scope, but it often addresses subject, form, technical aspects (in writing, form and technicality are grammar/punctuation, style, and prose - the latter of which is what OP is digging into), and execution. Critique includes both negative and positive aspects because it's important for good critique. Critique isn't tearing into someone for the sake of it, because the point of critique is to improve upon these aspects and become more comfortable in your craft. To take critiques is a skill in its own, but so is giving critiques - the best advice is usually a "critique sandwich" in which you say something positive, point out something that can be improved upon (importantly: not saying negatively charged things), and then summarize in a positive tone. Critique is not an excuse to bully, and critique should always be consensual. Critique appears in classes, in the form of beta readers, asking others for advice, and so on and so forth. The person who made the thing must be open to critique for critique to be effective. If they are not looking for critique and you give it anyways, you're just an ass.

On the other hand, criticism - especially in this context - is broader than critique. It tends to have a more negative connotation of it, but to be critical of something isn't inherently to be negative to it. This is where you see your media criticism, dissection of trends, etc. This doesn't usually engage directly with the source of the criticism most often, it's usually supplementary. Again: broader than critique, but its space does not often overlap with the original thing. Important to note that criticism does not inherently mean that the critic hates the thing being criticized. Criticism is just being critical of a thing. To be critical is not inherently negative; it's just talking about something to a finer degree than casual consumption. It's not admonishment, it's often a way to start a discussion.

This is where people tend to balk at the idea of criticizing fan media because they conflate the two, but critique =/= criticism. Critique is more based in the craft itself (art, writing, etc.) while criticism is more about the broader impact of the thing made by the craft. While critiques do exist in criticisms, and critique can draw from criticism, they are not the same thing.

Examples:

Critique:

Your inking wasn't consistent, so the final print is splotchy. You need to improve on inking your block if you want your final image to look the way you intend it to

You added too much ink to the block and caused a lot of spillage, you need to find a balance between the two in order to get what you want

I like the gestural nature of your drawing, but I think that you would get a stronger composition if you pushed it further and focus on line weight

The alliteration is a really nice touch in your prose, but you fall back on it a lot. I think that the alliteration would be more effective in this moment if you limit it to that moment and change up how you write prose leading into it - maybe slowly increasing the repetition until you get to the three-beats?

Your prose is really strong, and I like what you've developed so far. What I think you need to work on is learning how you can control your technical flow with better punctuation usage, such as a better understanding of when to use commas or em-dashes.

You're using periods at the end of your dialogue that is followed by a tag. Unless there's nothing like "he said", then periods in dialogue must be a comma. Not "'Alright.' He responded.", but: "'Alright,' he responded.".

Criticism:

There is a common trend within fandom to take a female love interest from canon and find a way to shove her off to the side for the sake of m/m shipping. It's come in a variety of forms, but the most notable ones include villainizing, killing her off, or the modern lesbian best friend/wingman which overlaps with the other modern form, the mean lesbian adjacent to the m/m ship.

Despite all the advancements that have been made in terms of accessibility within video games, it almost seems like some games are more inaccessible than ever due to developers prioritizing a key experience rather than making sure it's playable for everyone. A good example of this would be the MMO, Final Fantasy XIV, and its late game raiding that features many fights with non-toggleable flashes that have induced seizures in players, or their lack of color contrast options for color blind players - forcing both groups to either suffer through the content, not raid, or seek out illegal mods if they play on pc. Console raiders have no such options, as the in game effects toggle doesn't apply to the worst offenders.

With these examples out of the way, look back at OP and how they've framed their "advice" (which they say is advice further down this thread - as with all others who jump in on the post with "advice") - does this look like critique or criticism?

This style of post - and how everyone jumped on it - are part of a really frustrating trend online, but especially on tumblr, where people make vague complaints about a kind of writer and use their vague posting to tear into them. At this point, most people understand that unwanted critique is bad, so they instead channel that need to critique in stuff like this. From here on, I'm going to call it ""advice"" - quotations and all.

This is not advice. It's not even good critique. This ""advice"" is taking a common mistake or habit of fanfic writers - most of whom are new to writing, are teenagers, or haven't been professionally trained in writing because so few people have that opportunity - and then tearing it to shreds. This is looking at a habit that fanfic authors learning how to write picked up from other authors learning how to write, and then declaring that if a writer uses it you will not engage with them whatsoever.

That's not advice. It's a vague threat through shaming people for doing stuff. The thread goes on to list actual advice, but most of it is the most bare bones writing tips that doesn't account for people experimenting with style. It's shame through nitpicking and expecting everything to be perfection.

Fanfiction is held to a really awful standard in which it must meet every single one of your needs as a reader, otherwise it's not worth your time. Between the lack of support on platforms like AO3 or FFNet, and then these mass shaming posts that tear into writers for having the audacity of making a mistake, is it any surprise a lot of fanfic writers give up? Why so many fanfics you like just go unfinished with no word from the author?

Tumblr is too comfortable with this idea that they get to sit here and tear into authors who may not be using perfect syntax or use goofy words like silverette. You are looking at someone stumbling their way through a hobby that is admittedly very hard and tearing into them behind their back. When people see these posts, their fist reaction isn't go go "oh thank you for the advice," it's to get self conscious about their own writing and if they do fit the bill, they're not likely to take your advice. They may just stop writing altogether.

What gets to me is that this ""advice"" - this shaming framed as tips from people who "Actually Know how to write" - is it's considered a more widely acceptable way of talking about fanfiction and fanfiction authors than actually supporting authors you like. It's more acceptable than passing around resources. It's more acceptable than actual criticism of harmful things in fandom (see: colonizer lan wangji, op of this thread has talked about it a fair amount) that the criticism of would then make spaces safer for the people impacted (in that case, address the anti-indigenous writing of a horrific fic in the MDZS fandom that was trying to romanticize the tactics used in the genocide of indigenous americans).

Tumblr users seem to know to not take unwanted critique to the comments of the author in question, yet they can't seem to keep their mouths shut; instead, they curate hundreds of posts with thousands of notes to shame authors who have committed the grave sin of using goofy words or having awkward prose - which I'm so sure that no of the people making these posts have ever made mistakes like these in their own writing </sarcasm>

This collective shaming of writing characteristic of people learning how to write or who aren't super familiar with English doesn't sit right with me. Especially since so much of it feels like a reflexive cringe for things that the person grew out of. Maybe something isn't your style, but maybe it works for someone else. Everyone complains about the repetition of "said", but there are some hard hitting stories that weaponize the repetition of "said" for effect. Consider OP: a very specific one that I use still is bluenette, in part because I am a brunette who dies his hair blue very frequently - thus, bluenette (brunette+his is not incorrect in usage for myself, check my pinned; brunet+she would also not be incorrect - so do not come nitpicking me). Bluenette sounds so much like brunette that it comes off as a pun, and in this case it is used intentionally for said pun and often as a joke somewhere in my writing or even just conversation. Is OP going to also apply this logic to people who refer to women as brunets or blonds, or men as brunettes or blondes? Sometimes stuff like this is someone trying to work out their style. Sometimes it's a genuine mistake. Sometimes it's someone doing this with the utmost intention of calling a character by their hair color as a sign of disrespect through denying them their name - you do not know why it's used, and to publicly shame people for a common mistake is not how you're going to get them to improve.

The way ""advice"" is delivered feels like reflexive cringe, like I said, but also like a gross misrepresentation of what criticism is. Criticism's goal is discussion and improvement. Posts like these are just a way to shame people who aren't as skilled as you expect them to be. Let me make this clear: you are reading fanfiction. Many people use fanfiction to learn how to write, and may not have the most polished style. You are reading this for free. It's frankly really shitty to nitpick at someone's writing style and skill and then put it on blast for thousands of people on tumblr to jump in on this dogpile. Even when you give advice - such as in this post down beyond this screen - it's still framed negatively and in a "do this or you're bad" kind of critique. This is not framed to actually help people with their writing; this is shaming them into the style that you like and find engaging. And every following post beyond the advice from OP in this example further dogpiles the original point.

If you are shaming someone through a vague post because you don't like the fact that they're not a skilled writer, then it's clear you do not actually care about these people improving. You would rather mass shame writers who don't fit your view of what technically flawless prose looks like - be it because they're a teenager, they learned writing from online spaces and are still learning, or English isn't their first language - than actually teach them in a way that would be conducive to learning. You would rather have people jump in on this mass shaming as a sense of self importance because none of you write that way, thus everyone else who does is bad.

This is not critique. This is not criticism.

This is shaming writers - specifically writers who are still learning - for the fact that they do not match your expectations, and then gloating about how you never want to touch their work ever again.

The example above is shaming a common writing habit of teenagers and new writers who learned independently, and then following that shame with a threat to never engage with their stuff again, and then some tips sprinkled in with more "if you do this, shame on you" language.

You know, the exact stuff that makes people quit writing as a hobby or trying to learn it because they want to join in when it concerns this aspect of fandom.

This kind of ""advice"" is just vague blogging a writer to shame them. They may not ever see it, but Tumblr sure does a good job of keeping people from ever attempting to write because of the unreasonably high standards for a new/inexperienced writer putting stuff on the internet.

#ao3 #fanfiction #writing #fandom critical #writing advice #lbr its more like writing advice critical #but i loath to call something like that advice #original #long post #ive got a lot of feelings about this because of how rocky my start was with writing #most of my improvement was done offline due to the flack i was getting on deviantArt for frankly anything that I made #didn't matter if it was writing or drawing or mmd stuff. people took their opinions directly to you #add on tumblr's brand of ''''advice'''' and you get a nervous wreck who's struggling to post fanfiction #i'm only where i'm at because of how much i wrote away from people which is also why posts like the one above dont get me down about writin #but thats because i'm at where i'm at. i'm not a new writer ive been doing this for over a decade #i also know that my younger sister raced to ''get good'' at writing because of the shit that i'd gotten #i had a rocky phase with my writing that she didn't because she was actively trying to avoid the vulnerable phase that OP is dunking on #yeah when you're still getting on your feet with writing you do pick up stuff like that from other awkward people #they're all looking to each other for examples and it's not helpful to fucking shame people for it #what happened to cringe is dead oh wait. that only applies to what you like. and not what affects you. #when people go ''why do my favorite fics die'' and ''why arent there many writers'' its because of shit like this #shaming people for growing pains is embarrassing behavior #especially when you follow up that shame with a threat to never engage with them #im glad i got batshit about my writing and stopped caring about other people's opinions. new writers can't say the same. #also i hate the gendering of brunet/brunette blond/blonde its so fucking DUMB

[symphonyofsilence]

The sons of Fëanor: Headcanons & hot takes (Part 1 : Maedhros)

So since this dude lives in my mind rent-free 24/7 this got so, so, very long. Like essay long. Like you won't even believe how long it's not even funny! I'm probably gonna post the rest of the brothers in one post but this one is 10 posts in itself. So without further ado, let's get this over with.

I think he was very close to his grandpa Mahtan. I've explained here why I think his copper circlet was a gift from him. But also notice how Mahtan also wears a copper circlet. & I couldn't find it in the 'Shibboleth of Fëanor' which was used as the reference, but it was said on his Wikipedia page that Maedhros resembled his grandfather in 'face and disposition'. A part of it was probably inheritance (I personally headcanon that Mahtan had an easy grace & natural nobility to him that had nothing to do with being royalty. Finwë didn't have it. But Mahtan did & Nerdanel & then, Maedhros & Maglor inherited it.) But I think Maedhros might have spent a lot of time with Mahtan & loved him a lot & was happy that he looked like him & looked up to him & actively wanted to act like him.

Whoever his face took after, I firmly headcanon that he had Fëanor's eyes.

Being literally named 'supermodel', praised for his special hair color, most likely being the King's first grandson, most likely he was doted on from the moment he was born & he was very confident in himself. But Nerdanel would make sure that it wouldn't get to his head. He was very well aware of what a catch he is. But he would act down-to-earth about it.

Personality-wise I think he is charming, polite, at least on a surface level chill, laid-back, cool (the coolest cousin in the eyes of most of his cousins), confident enough to be humble, friendly & family-loving. But charismatic & with a commanding aura, he draws eyes to him even when he's sitting silently & when he speaks, he will be heard. he could get very serious. but I think he had an excellent sense of humor & he would use that to handle difficult diplomatic situations & gracefully lessen the tension in arguments or retort offensive comments. Like how he laughed off Thingol's cold message. (Or "you should excuse my brother. He's in a really hard place." "Oh really?" "Yes. His own head.") That sense of humor got really dark after Angband. Only Fingon, Aredhel Caranthir, Celegorm, in the version when he's alive Amrod, & weirdly Fingolfin & Lalwen got it. So he'd tone it down in company of others & use lighter jokes. After Nirnaeth & especially after Doriath, all that sense of humor turned to sarcasm, and salt & there was no other sense of humor but the dark one. I said he looked chill on a surface level, cuz I think he was one of those persons that as a friend or colleague or someone that you spend certain hours a day with them, he was excellent & you would enjoy your time with them, but as a family member, someone you'd have to spend 24 hrs with, he would get really, really overbearing. (a trait he shared with Fëanor. Except that it took much less time for Fëanor to become overbearing & he was like that with his friends & colleagues too one didn't have to be family.) & Maedhros, the excellent diplomat that he was, could get manipulative.& not just with other lords & ladies but in his daily life with people close to him. & he had a temper that rarely showed itself but when it did, it was scary. He wouldn't yell like the rest of his brother but his voice would become really quiet, his tone cold, & his gaze would burn. Maedhros was probably very polite & respectful. It's the default of how people at court are expected to behave, but I can't imagine Fëanor & his 3 middle sons to be exactly polite & respectful. But Maedhros was. Otherwise, how could he keep the Noldor together even in the worst of times? Also one can surmise this from the line 'If there lay no grievance between us, lord, still the kingship would rightly come to you, the eldest here of the house of Finwë, and not the least wise.' 'Cause if the law of succession is not Agnatic seniority then he's just saying this to say that he's not doing any favors to Fingolfin. Fingolfin is the rightful king. He's being humble & polite. Many could say many things about the first son of Fëanor (that however he acts he's eventually his father's son he's never done anything against Fëanor's wishes and such and such) but they can't deny he's ever been anything but nice & polite. I think there must have been something about the Fëanorians that all their relatives still wanted to spend time with them even after the ship burning. I think everywhere they went they were the life of the party. Even people who didn't like them couldn't deny that. And one of the things about Maedhros was that he was a very active listener. Whatever you were saying he would look at you like you were saying the most interesting thing. He showed the exact right reaction. Said the exact right things. Sometimes repeated your words or mirrored your expressions. Everyone loved talking to him. Though for a while after Angband he kept zoning out in the middle of conversations. His eyes looked empty & distant like he wasn't there at all. And he wouldn't react when they called him. Sometimes he wouldn't disassociate but his eyes had trouble focusing. He got better in time. He even went back to being an active listener. But after Nirnaeth & especially after Doriath, a lot of times he wouldn't even look at the person who was talking to him. He usually just had a frown & a stoic expression as he listened. His answers were short, sharp & to the point.

He was the perfect heir; Dutiful, obedient, loyal & loving to his family, diligent, determined, a skilled commander, graceful, proud, a charming & courteous company in court and councils. One would expect great things from him. (& dutiful, obedient, loyal & loving to his family, diligent & determined, he followed his father's path to the bitter end to his own demise.)

I headcanon that he learned writing from Fëanor, the inventor of Tengwar, himself. & As perfectionist as Maedhros was, he insisted to write just like Fëanor himself. So they had very similar handwriting & so Maedhros would write a lot of Fëanor's letters for him. Those who were close to them could still tell the handwritings apart & one should have very seldom met Fëanor to not be able to tell the writing apart. Fingolfin's children could always say when it was Maedhros who had written the letter & would laugh their asses off at the "dear brother" things & such kind words that they couldn't imagine with Fëanor's voice. He lost that handwriting with his right hand.

I headcanon that he kinda invented modeling & had a knack for being a fashion designer. Sure he would stand as a model for Nerdanel. But also he always had very specific designs in mind for his clothes & ordered new ones a lot. He would sketch them out & explain them in detail to the tailors. It never crossed his mind to design clothes as a job. But everyone would praise every new clothes he wore in every new public appearance & the business of his tailors bloomed. & he highly influenced the fashion of the youth of the Noldor.

Sure, genetics & height are important factors but you don't get to be named a supermodel without working your ass out. So I assume his hobby was all kinds of sports. Riding, archery, swimming, you name it. & since Fingon totally looks like a joke (& an adrenaline junky who walks into the depth of hell without even telling anyone & with absolutely no plan & starts singing) I think they were always together in their practicings. I headcanon that his & Fingon's big plan before all went downhill was establishing the very first sports club in Valinor. & they were starting to pursue their dreams but then all went downhill & they broke apart & neither of them dared to go on with that idea cuz the idea was both of theirs & the other could probably sue. (they both knew the other wouldn't tho. And even if they did-which they wouldn't- it would just be an uncomfortable talk with grandpa. Really it was just bc they both lost motivation. It was only fun if they were going to do it together). & Maedhros, due to being a son of Fëanor-his heir at that- & apparently very loyal to him, was too out of favor with every authority in Tirion to start such a thing.

It's canon that he was a great diplomat. So probably he knew so many things about every lord & lady & he would use them to win them over when the need arised. Was quite tactful & silver-tongued. He would do Finwë's & Fëanor's paperwork, boring works & Finwë's accountings for them. Fëanor more & more believed that sitting in councils with other lords & ladies was a waste of time on a bunch of pompous idiots. So Maedhros went to councils in his stead. (many would use "Fëanor would never send him in his stead if he didn't believe that he would get him what he wants. They're the same." ) he was also the one prince who people would go to when they had business in court and didn't want to go through the whole bureaucratic hell. He would make shortcuts for them. & thus he was one of the very popular princes.

I think it's obvious that his favorite brother is Maglor. I headcanon that he was okay with Maglor & enjoyed playing with his baby brother until Maglor reached the age that is the elven equivalent of 5 & then they were constantly at each other's throats mostly because they shared a room and Maglor was constantly playing something & singing (& for the first years of the 'civil war era' he was still learning so the quality was not as good as it would eventually come to be.) & there was no peace & quiet for Maedhros. Sometimes Maglor would 'get inspired' and start playing something at 3 A.M cuz he'd say he will forget it otherwise. and so Maedhros would wake up yelling that the next time Maglor gets inspired he might get some inspirations of his own too. & on the other hand, Maglor was an introvert who enjoyed his own solitude & would like to have the room for himself while Maedhros would bring Fingon & sometimes other guests. Nobody would back down the war was raging & they would get annoyed at each others' mere sight. But Nerdanel wouldn't give them separate rooms 'cause she insisted that they needed to learn to coexist in peace & compromising. (U know...their dad is Fëanor...& he's not exactly famous for being the best brother... so...they needed that.) And after a while when Maglor reached the elven equivalent of 13 suddenly they became the best of friends. It happened so swiftly they didn't even notice how & when it happened. But even before that, they've become more civil 'cause their troublesome little brothers were born & they were kinda bonding over being responsible older brothers of common 'disturbers of the peace'. They maintained the close relationship from then on. When Maglor married & left their common room & Maedhros had the room all to himself, at that point, he didn't want to. It felt too empty without the original disturber of the peace. After Angband, the shadow of how Maglor didn't go to Maedhros' rescue for 30-something years never quite left them. They'd reason that there was no way for Maglor to be able to save him. What could have he done?! But Fingon did. Didn't he? They'd forget it. Bury it deep in their mind. But deep in their mind, it was buried. They were very close. In Beleriand, more than ever. They were Each other's, constant companions. They went through everything together. They fought in battles. But there was a pang of underlying guilt in some moments of extreme loyalty or not leaving Maedhros' side in Maglor. & it didn't really show itself until after Sirion. When their relationship was outright toxic & harmful.

Maedhros had the most real heartfelt disagreements with Celegorm & Curufin was also kinda pitted against him from the get-go, & they clashed a lot. All the members of the family had strong personalities & would clash a lot but even if they fought among themselves, they would kill any outsider who would dare to fight their brother.

I think family was a very important concept for the Fëanorians. Since Fëanor didn't feel like a member of his primary family, he would try to make the most unbreakable family possible when he married & had kids & teach them to put family before everything. (& they didn't even notice when Fëanor himself forgot that. Not until later.)

Everything in his possession was considered public property by his brothers & they wouldn't even tell him when they "borrowed" his things which resulted in him constantly searching around the house for his things. His impressive height was a mercy from Eru so he would have clothes left in his wardrobes to wear. & his brothers would ruin the order of his room when they put his things back. He was especially orderly.

I don't think any of the Fëanorians are the cuddling type. They show their love in various other ways.

When Maedhros returned from Angband, Caranthir was the one who would bring him food & medicine (he once caught someone else taking an unchopped steak to Maedhros & he got angry saying did you expect him to chop it himself? Or were you going to chop his food for him in front of him & wound his pride like that? & he took the dish & chopped the steak himself & took the mission upon himself from then on), he would make Maedhros laugh with his sharp sarcasm & bitter humor, would chew out anyone who tried to help Maedhros without asking his permission when he was trying to do something, Celegorm would practice with Maedhros day & night tirelessly as long as Maedhros needed. Whether it was getting back on his feet again or sword fighting. He would also leave Huan with him in his room. Curufin made him a wheelchair, a walking stick, new swords & helm & armor & throwing knives & special shields & with the help of Celebrimbor(his first big project cuz he wanted to do something for his uncle) a mithril prosthetic hand, he & Ambarussar helped him to get back on horse's back, Maglor would help him catch up with everything that has gone with Noldor & help him organize the mess & do the majority of his work for him & keep the things between the 2 hosts civil, he would give him all the mental support he needed & he would play soothing songs for him. Ambarussar would take him out whenever he needed fresh air. Fingon would do all of these minus the smithy work whenever the brothers would let him. Or...u know....sometimes even if they didn't. (even though they were grateful to Fingon the guilt of not saving Maedhros themselves was ever-present in their hearts. So they'd always politely tell Fingon that "you've done so much already. we thank you. We can't bother you more. Leave the rest to us." To which Fingom would reply that it was no bother & he wanted to do these.)

He's always tried to be mama's & papa's perfect boy but after a while, these 2 were impossible to be simultaneously. As an oldest brother, I think of him as sth like Steve Crane in the Haunting of Hill House. He was always trying to be a good, responsible elder brother. & he was, for the most part. But after everything life has thrown at him, after Nirnaeth to be precise, he's too preoccupied with his own misery & conflicted emotions to properly function as a stable, comforting big brother. & even then he still tries to do his best towards his siblings. If he sometimes sounds harsh or bitter he almost immediately regrets it & tries to do better. But it's just that he has nothing left in him to give anymore.

He loved & respected & admired Fëanor a lot. I think they were very close. (they canonically traveled around Aman. The sons followed Fëanor everywhere. He's noted to seek their council during the flight of the Noldor. & maybe these 2 were closest cuz Fëanor married young & Maedhros was his firstborn so Fëanor was still very young when Maedhros was born.) His dad was the smartest person he knew & what he said was the truth. It wasn't that he did whatever Fëanor said it was just that what Fëanor said made sense. He was logical & persuasive. Even if Maedhros didn't always agree with his methods. It wasn't until after Losgar that Fëanor came to perspective for Maedhros. That ship burning was not only betrayal but madness. they needed numbers to defeat a god. & Fingolfin had the largest host. & Fëanor knew that too when he invoked them to rebel & when he made haste to get on the way before they change their mind. & after Fëanor died & left Maedhros alone in a wide, unfamiliar land to defeat a god with the little number they had, & after Maedhros' got outnumbered by Melkor & captured, & was eventually saved by Fingon, he couldn't help but go back to what Fëanor did, get angry, resent him, then remember that Fëanor was grieving & furious & paranoid & his judgment was clouded & he loved his sons with all his heart & he would never do anything that would hurt Maedhros. & the more the oath thing kept going, the more this cycle was repeated. He had to actively remind himself that he himself took the oath & followed Fëanor voluntarily, that Fëanor couldn't possibly know it would get to this, none of them did. remind himself of all the loving, caring, sweet, beautiful moments with his father, all the acts of love & care & affection & sacrifice his father had ever done for him & his brothers, remember that it was all Melkor's influence that drove him to his demise, it was all carefully planned & executed by Melkor, that Finwë meant the world to Fëanor & the thought of getting replaced by his little brothers in Finwë's eyes & then Finwë's death crushed his world, & then as he grew up & thought back on Fëanor, learn that in the end, he was a broken, lonely, scared man who was afraid of being replaced & forgotten. All this to subside his raging anger & hatred towards Fëanor. Whom against his own judgment subconsciously he blamed for everything. (though he told himself that it's all Morgoth's fault. & in reality, he blamed himself most of all) 'Cause, in the end, Maedhros loved his father. He loved him very much even when he hated him.& he would defend him against outsiders. Cuz family was family.

About his cousins, do I even need to say anything about Fingon & Maedhros? Turgon I think didn't like the sons of Fëanor at all. Turgon liked his peace & quiet & the sons of Fëanor when they stormed their house would ruin it. & he thought they were jerks & his brother & sister turned into jerks when they were with them. (they'd just lightly tease him. Nothing offensive.) & his reasons to dislike them grew more & more as time passed. He was a firm believer that Maedhros is no different than the rest of them despite appearance. Aredhel was clearly their friend. So I think was Argon. & Finrod too. (less than Aredhel & even Argon. He was mostly friends with Turgon.) Angrod & Aegnor at first didn't really like Maedhros 'cause they loved Fingon & wanted to be his friends & they thought that when Fingon was with Maedhros he wouldn't pay them enough attention. & they had "grown-up" inside jokes & "grown-up" subjects to talk about. Later when they grew up they all became friends. Galadriel canonically never liked the sons of Fëanor. But headcanon that even if she didn't generally like him, in a semi-banquet among the newly reunited Noldor, when the time for dancing came, & Maedhros who had not completely healed at that time & relied on a walking stick, stayed sitting & did not participate, it suddenly came to Galadriel's attention that during years of the trees, Maedhros was his favorite dance partner (After Finrod) during balls. cuz he was one of the few men taller than him so she could finally have the elegant effect she was looking for when she was dancing. & they talked about sports events & he was witty & funny & would make her laugh. & she didn't quite realize that until then.

For the life of me, I cannot imagine this elf in a romantic relationship with a lady. Like, I certainly can't imagine him as straight but I can't even imagine him as bi. he's either gay or aspec or somewhere in between.

When I read his dialouges I can clearly hear his voice in my mind & it's raspy. His cheekbones & jawline could cut diamonds & he kept his hair long & with braids that differed from era to era. After Sirion, subconsciously, his braids resembled Celegorm's, he wore eyeliners like Caranthir, there were elements of Ambarussar's clothings in the way he dressed & his armor & prosthetic hand & weapons were already Curufin's work. Both to show his loss of identity & more than that, loss of himself in family obligations, & to show that he's haunted by ghosts.

It was interesting to me that out of his 3 Quenya names, he combined two of them & left his father's name out. I think it confirms that Nelyafinwe was a jab at Fingolfin. (I think Fëanor intended to secure his line as the line of succession. Even if Finwë to their knowledge wasn't going to die, maybe he would someday want to retire.) & I think Maedhros knew that, & didn't like that. (I think Nerdanel & Finwë & others would bring all kinds of ridiculous alibies to say that no, it's not a jab at Fingolfin & they would all jump on his mother's name when Nerdanel gave it to him & until then just call him Nelyo or sweet baby or sth. But everyone knew the truth. & Fingolfin would always especially call him "Nelyafinwë" to show Fëanor how unphased he was by this petty move. He continued to call him that even after Fëanor's death. & Maedhros was less than impressed by being used as a political ploy like that.)

Probably elves that don't age & don't grow sick, take their looks for granted. When Maedhros came back from Angband, he looked like a skeleton, he was scarred & they had to shave his head to check for injuries (& also that very, very long tangled greasy mess could not be washed.). When he first looked at himself in the mirror, he who even among the fair folk has always been known for his good looks, & now was probably the most unpleasant-looking elf amongst such dashing people, had another breakdown. He was no Maitimo (well-formed) or Russandol(copper-head). For his Sindarin name, He combined the two names & named himself Maedhros. It was a reclaiming. It was a promise. The dead king was back.

He seems like a very inspirational leader. The very fact that he was alive was a miracle let alone getting back on his feet & defending the borders & healing rifts. & with his level of determination & charisma & strength & big plans, of course people would follow him to Himring even if he wasn't Fëanor's heir. Some would follow him to hell. (So it's all the more tragic when some of his followers turn against him in Sirion.)

I stand by what I said here.

From "the eldest, whose ardor burnt yet more eager than his father's flame. Than Fëanor's wrath." I surmise that he had many hopes & dreams.

He went to battles with a very small vial of poison hidden in his clothes after Angband.

I said a lot of what I had to say about his relationship with the Peredhel twins in this fanfic. I won't repeat them now cuz this post is already so long. (I've said before how much I love the grumpy murderous morally gray dad involuntarily adopting the traumatized gremlin trope & goes from "Nah thank u, no kids for me." To "I've had X for a day & a half & if anything happens to them I'll kill everyone in this room & then myself". (Like Joel/Ellie, Logan/Laura, Silco/Jinx and such...)& since Maglor seems like a mild-mannered person even & even at his worst he doesn't seem grumpy & he willingly adopted the kids, Maedhros if is then.) He comes to love those kids. He would kill & die for them. But because he fears that by considering them family, they'll come under "the house of Fëanor & those who follow them" & thus under the curse of Mandos & the trauma of "those who followed the house of Fëanor" in Nirnaeth never leaves him, he will not let them consider themselves family. He even orders to have shields with the star of Earendil made for them as soon as they learn to fight so they would not use Fëanorian bearing on their shield. Elrond & Elros at first feel upset that the lord of the house doesn't want them as family but they understand when Maglor explains the reason to them. When a subconscious part of Maedhros' mind keeps seeing Elrond & Elros as family his conscious mind insistently shuts it down. (They do feel like family in his heart though, against his will.) They're just his brother's wards, he keeps thinking, & his responsibility towards them is no more than an adult's towards kids. The lord of the house towards the wards. & someone responsible for them being orphans in the first place. As he keeps reminding himself. He feels very guilty towards them. He feels like keeping them is selfish & twisted & just to ease their own guilt. He feels like the association with them will ruin the twins' reputation & life. So he tries to keep his distance (an effort entirely ignored by the twins & especially Elros, As I said in the fic.) He will say he's sorry but he won't ask for their forgiveness 'cause he fears that they will grant it & that would be because they're children raised by them & don't know better & he'll be exploiting their innocence & naivety. But despite all his feelings, even if he doesn't ask, he's forgiven. & even if not in name, in their own strange way, they're family. & love grew between them.

I'm not really sure if Maedhros would accept Mandos' call. I will preface this by saying that I don't think any of them got cast into the void & thus "doomed to eternal darkness" bc Fëanor himself got to the halls of Mandos & I think it misses the point. The point was that there was no point. The oath was in vain. They wouldn't truly get condemned to eternal darkness if they forsook the oath to prevent kinslayings. The eternal darkness was eventually what they brought on themselves. It was a self-fulfilled prophecy. (& I think the oath was eventually fulfilled. One of the Silmarils was with Fëanor's great-nephew & thus, his kin. The 2 others also were eventually in the hands of Fëanor's kin. Maedhros died with Silmaril in hand. & it doesn't say that "Fëanor's kin" can't cast the Silmaril away.) IMO there are several ways that it could go after his death : (CW mention of suicide ahead.)

You see, one really beautiful & tragic thing is that, after Angband, yes "the shadow of his pain was at his heart" but also "the fire of life was hot within him" & considering everything, from what we know, he seems to be doing well. Shortly after his rescue, He functions better than most people do in all their lives. He reunites the Noldor, we see him laugh (how many characters do we see laugh in the Silmarillion if you don't count the "fay" & evil laughs?) arranges his brothers' lands in a way that they have the least interaction with their uncle & cousins. Chooses his own land right on the borders & makes a stronghold & keeps it for years, he attends feasts & goes hunting with his brother & cousin. (& these are why I don't believe grim & gloomy Maedhros quite emerged until after Nirnaeth. Sure he would get very serious & focused & determined & brooding & there was a shadow of pain and depression on him but the Valinor era Maedhros was still there. Until Nirnaeth.) He was still hopeful & fierce & fighting. After Dagor Dagorath, even though the Noldor seemed defeated & they had lost their king, Maedhros, who was the only one whose kingdom was not hidden but RIGHT ON THE BORDERS & managed to keep it, got inspired by Beren & Lúthien & formed the Union of Maehros & sought to destroy Melkor, & even after Nirnaeth, he is still persistent & unstoppable it's just that now his persistence has turned to a dark cause. & it keeps going on like that until the third kinslaying. Time & time again, he keeps falling down & then he keeps getting back to his feet (& this is one of the things really admire about him). So when in the end, he ends his own life, I think he was pushed to his limits & that was finally a fall that he couldn't get back up from. So he just made the final, ultimate fall. (& I don't think it was his first suicidal thought I think he had these thoughts for a long time. They came & went & he kept pushing them back but they were there.)

You see I think when he got rescued from Angband he made one promise to himself & that was to eventually see it burn. & when in the War of Wrath Angband was destroyed & Maedhros watched it fall, his story drew to an end. After that, it was Fëanor's story going on through his two eldest. So when that ONE thing that kept driving them, that ONE thing that made them do such terrible things burnt his hands & he figured that it was all in vain, it was the final straw. He wouldn't want to go to Mandos or anything. He just wanted not to be. To end it all. He didn't want to face Mandos or his family or the Teleri. Or someday get reimbodied. He wanted to fade. To get lost & forgotten. & he wouldn't think himself worthy of healing. & the Silmarils apparently agreed.

This is not a version I like though. Not at all. & it doesn't even have any bittersweet beauty to it it's just bitter.

But another possible reason for it is that we see how he doubts that the Valar would show them lenience & MAYBE he blamed Mandos for the curse & how he doomed them from the start & didn't give him any chance & left no room for improvement. So he didn't like him, didn't trust his judgment & didn't want to get judged by him.

Also, it seems like Maedhros' case was like the second one talked about in LaCe.

But let's get to why he might have answered Mandos' call :

As you see above, the way "not answering Mandos' call" is talked about in the LaCE makes it sound like in the eyes of the Valar & the Eldar, it's the ultimate wretched thing an elf can do. Like if somebody does that, there's no way back for them. They're lost. The lowest of lows. I doubt any of the Eldar would dare reject Mandos' call. Even Fëanor who so fiercely & famously disliked the Valar didn't do that. So I don't know if Maedhros would. Also by the way he & Maglor talked about the Valar & Illuvatar looks like they still hold them in reverence & fear them. Maglor even hopes that they would show them mercy. & Eonwe DID show them mercy. So-...

If he gets to Mandos' halls I think he will spend either a long, long while or forever just sitting somewhere & sulking. Nienna can't help him cuz he doesn't want to be helped. Fingon can't cuz Maedhros is ashamed of him & can't look him in the eyes. (though I think Fingon would persist & eventually win & get to help him. Not that he wasn't upset with him but he directed a lot of his rage & blame on Fëanor cuz it was easier. & also seeing how Maedhros suffered all those years & eventually killed himself he pitied him & knew he regretted everything & his heart was still in the right place. Also, what can he do, good or bad he loved him.), his brothers were in need of healing themselves so there was not much they could do for him. & his father, well he was in need of healing but his son was more important. I think Maedhros was numb from pain but still, if any feelings could be felt within him, he did feel hatred & anger towards Fëanor, but hatred & rage take so much energy so he couldn't hold on to them, he wanted to get rid of them, he couldn't even feel them fully. & he still loved & needed his dad. & Fëanor would give him distance if he needed it, give him hugs when he needed it, if he needed someone to yell at & blame, Fëanor would take the blame, if he needed someone to give him comfort, Fëanor would do that too. He would do anything to give Maedhros what he needed to heal. & show love & remorse in his deeds.

& one of my headcanons is that when Elros dies, he tells Mandos that there is someone who owes him a proper goodbye. & if he's stepping into the unknown, he wants him to accompany him. & since Mandos is apparently soft for this family he allows it. So Maedhros & Elros meet. & their words to each other shall remain private between them like how Arwen & Elrond's last meeting was. & Maedhros accompanies him until he can go no more & they say farewell. But that conversation with Elros changes everything. & he does mourn him even if Elros seemed happy & content & in peace. But after a while, after more than 4 centuries of sulking, he steps into the path of healing. & the path of healing is not known for its easiness. There are many fallbacks & stumblings but he let Nienna & Fëanor & Fingon help him & he will help his brothers too & they will help him in return & he tries hard & will eventually get there. Maybe he will never leave the halls, but he eventually heals. & helps others heal.

& this might seem far fetched & unlikely but even if he doesn't answer Mandos' call right away I like to headcanon that when Elros goes to the halls he still asks after Maedhros & when Mandos says that he's not here, he didn't answer my call, Elros will answer "but he will answer mine." & he does. & it goes just like what I said above after that. (There is poetry in that the last good thing he did in his life was helping raise the twins & eventually it pays off.)

I strongly associate him with the amazing devil's "farewell wanderlust" like "I'll promise you I'll be better I promise you I'll try but like robbing wine stains into rugs it's my curse to try & make it right but by trying make it worse"?! Come on that's him!

& finally

#holly shit this is long #the things I do for love #yeah you know looking at it the amount I think about this war criminal is probably not healthy #I wad going to scatter these in fanfics but since this took me weeks to write you can probably guess how long would fanfics take #but now I see that the fanfics would have been shorter (I've written one of them & it'a shorter.) #Maedhros #maitimo #nelyafinwe #russandol #maglor #Feanor #celegorm #curufin #amrod #amras #mahtan #caranthir #fingon #findekano #turgon #galadriel #angrod #aegnor #elrond #elros #nerdanel #the silmarillion #tolkien #my two cents

[rohirric-hunter]

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#girl help i went on the lotro forums by accident #and ended up on someones thread complaining about how we never get any new content #i think one of my big issues with this is like. do you not have a job? or any other hobbies? #like im not shitting on people who dont have jobs. ive spent my fair share of time unemployed #but its wild that you apparently have NOTHING else going on in your life except for ONE mmo #they said there was only about a weeks worth of new stuff #youre telling me you got through everything in a week? one week #i started sometime mid december and spent a good long time playing the game #because i had a lot of hours cut in late december and january. so guess what i did while i wasnt at work #and i just finished a few days ago??? it took me two months???????? #like i dont know if theres anything that will entertain you if you insist upon blasting through everything so fast #this is a you problem and you are going to find it everywhere you go not just here #i also hate when people complain about this because i feel that the devs react to it by making endgame stuff more grindy #i dont want it to be more grindy #unlike SOME people i have a life outside this game but i would still like to succeed at it

[shirtlessradfahrer]

hi sorry I disappeared for like two weeks but I was overwhelmed with the news that there's a significant chance I may be on the autism spectrum (and possibly have a nice side helping of adhd) which if true has a fuckton of implications for how poorly many, many things throughout my life have played out, so needless to say I am not doing very well

(and by that I mean I was mostly crying on and off for days, and then cried some more when I realized it will cost thousands if I want to get a proper assessment done and I'm not confident my insurance would cover all of it, and also depending on how much my hours continue to be cut this month I may not even have said insurance for much longer at all hahahaha)

#i'm so angry #thinking of how many adults complained about me and my behaviour growing up but couldn't help me at all #how long have i suffered for no reason #because i wasn't a completely nonverbal boy who liked trains or some shit #...actually i did really like trains but it didn't matter apparently #but learning about all the signs and symptoms in girls/women has felt like getting punched in the gut over and over #and all the absolute worst of my childhood and teenage years has rushed back to me with new context #and i'm so fucking angry and sad and upset #and now my mom is angry af too because she took me to a psychologist in complete desperation when i was like five #because i couldn't control my emotions for shit once i was home from school #i would just flip tf out and throw stuff around my room and be incapable of saying anything until i had completely calmed down #and this was happening on a regular basis and she didn't know what tf to do #and while at school i couldn't make eye contact or advocate for myself and again i just shut down completely if i was too stressed or upset #and several other things #and the psychologist was basically like lol idk what's wrong with her but you probably just need to be a better mother :) #just slightly more professionally #NO ONE ever mentioned the possibility of autism to her #and i feel like some of these things have...worsened when i'm at work but i couldn't figure out why i was having so much difficulty #and why i felt so drained after even a short shift #but then reading about masking hit me like a fucking freight train #and apparently my brother’s girlfriend-who was officially diagnosed a few years ago-suspected it when she first met me?? #but idk what to do now bc i have an doctor's appointment next week #and i feel like i should bring it up because i hate just self-diagnosing #but even if i somehow managed to pay for an assessment (lmao) i don't feel like my doctor's going to take it seriously #considering he's been our family doctor since my birth #and apparently couldn't be bothered to take my mom's concerns that seriously back then either #jfc I’m rambling again don’t look at me