#But tumblr has been so far less stressful for me to the point where I question sometimes when the happy bubble will pop

[blackbirdffxiv]

A bit of rambling, and maybe I'm speaking too soon, but so far I've had a more enjoyable time back on Tumblr in the week I've been back since I quit seriously being on here three years ago, than the three years I've spent on twitter. And I'm still dealing with the shellshock.

Coming from twitter, I am used to people being absolutely so volatile that I actually became afraid to even say hello to people because I never knew what I was going to be met with.

And here I've had people message me such nice things and just act polite to me if I asked them something, and I've just been so used to people acting needlessly rude or defensive that having people actually be nice/courteous made me double-take.

On top of all of it, it actually feels like I can share Ellie's lore with no shame or fear of embarrassment because someone will call her cringe or something, or worse, say she's not a valid character because she bends the lore in a lot of places.

TLDR: I've only been on tumblr for less than a week but the sheer difference between here and my experience on twitter is such a culture shock, it's hard for me to process that people here are just nicer, if not that then far more patient and understanding.

#OOC #Mun Ramblings #I'm no stranger to Tumblr but at the same time I've also been gone from it for years #And any time I tried to come back before it lasted for two days before I dipped again #And I had a hard time giving up twitter because I was embarrassingly attached to it #But tumblr has been so far less stressful for me to the point where I question sometimes when the happy bubble will pop #Cuz at the end of the day I just wanna play the game and take pretty pictures ;; #And talk about my OCs and their lore and all kinds of stuff

[royallyprincesslilly]

Title: Everyone Else Is No.2 {One-Shot}***

Lewis Hamilton x Attorney Friend Reader

Warning: Cursing, NSFW, Mature 18+ Content, Angst, PLENTY OF WORDS, DIALOGUE HEAVY

Words: 15.2k

Summary: Again, nah.

Note: Inspired by that old August Alsina song "Kissing on My Tattoos". So sorry for how long it is and for the long sentences toward the end, it couldn't be any other way. Forgive the weird spacing throughout, Tumblr has a 1,000 block limit per post, and guess who reached it before correcting the spacing.

Note II: Really interested in hearing what you guys think about this one. Let me know.

As always, thank you guys for reading! I appreciate it. I hope you enjoy this.

If you did enjoy this, please, LIKE, COMMENT, REBLOG!!!

***NOT Edited/Proofread***

-Y/N-

"You're beautiful you know that right?"

You smiled and took a sip of your drink.

"Thanks."

The man sitting across from you, Darius, nodded and before he looked down to his plate you caught his eyes drop to your cleavage. Of course, you thought. This was your 2nd date with him. The first went smoothly though you'd went with little to no expectations for it to be so. Tonight, he said the right things, did the right things, and was the perfect gentleman.

He'd even chosen a great restaurant. The ambiance was perfect for a second date. So far you had only counted 2 things that were less than satisfactory, everything was on point. He was so on point that you wondered if he was acting and not being his genuine self.

You hated the dating scene. Everyone held their cards too close to their chest. No one was ever real about anything. Everyone liked to waste people's time all in the name of fun and sex. These days you only treated dating as a pastime and a way to relieve stress after long hours of working on briefs and reviewing case files.

"A woman with your track record in law. Wheeew. Was it hard?"

You shrugged then wiped the corner of your mouth, "It definitely wasn't easy. I still remember the sleepless nights, and times when I only had 1 meal a day. My parents still remember not seeing me for 3 months because of the bar and my first major case that came nearly right behind the other. They won't let me forget it."

"It looks like it paid off. You're on the partner track. Shit, you'd be the first woman under 35 to make that happen at Halsey Boyd and Crenshaw," Darius said.

You bristled, but politely smiled and took another sip of your wine.

"I'm sorry I don’t mean to make this weird I'm just in awe of you."

You studied him for a few moments but found no lie. You could always tell a lie. No matter what the case, no matter who it was. It was your secret weapon and it served you well as a lawyer.

"Thank you, but enough about me. What about you? Tell me about Darius Forrester."

He smiled, licked his lips then looked you directly in the eye.

"I'm pretty much a what you see you get kind of guy. I've been at Berry & Clark for the last 6 years as a criminal attorney. The work is challenging but I do alright for myself.

You nodded. He did. From what you heard his win ratio was nearly 92% and he took upstanding cases. He was a good attorney. Normally you wouldn’t shit where you ate because mess was not your style. You did not want to walk into a courtroom or boardroom and see the opposing counsel was an ex. That one thing gave you nightmares.

So dating lawyers was out of the question. You dipped in every other career field, playing it safe. The further they were from a law career the better. However, after a conversation with your other lawyer girlfriends about limiting oneself in the already limited dating pool, something clicked, and you decided to try it once but only if they weren't in your firm. Darius was your first attempt.

As he continued to tell you facts about himself you listened, but he didn't have your full attention. There was another person who held your attention, a person who though was usually out of sight was never really out of mind.

You heard your phone sound from your clutch resting on the table and both your eyes shot to it. Darius spoke before you moved.

"Go ahead please."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm an attorney as well, Y/N I know you come attached to it."

You smiled, held up your finger to him silently promising it would be quick, then took your phone in hand. You expected it to be Kemi, your paralegal, with files you were expecting, but it wasn't her name on your screen.

MSG Lewis: What're you doing tonight? Going over an endless to-do list of contracts and briefs?

You smirked.

MSG: Not even close.

MSG Lewis: Wow did someone finally decide to live a little and cut loose?

MSG: This sounds an awful lot like the pot calling the kettle black.

MSG Lewis: Plead the 5th.

MSG: The Lewis Hamilton out maneuvered. Say it ain't so.

MSG: I'm close to your place. Just got back in town. Can you be ready in 10?

Your eyes flitted to Darius across from you who was taking the time to check his messages as well. You looked over him slowly, noting again how great he looked in his suit and how you liked the effort he had put in the last 2 dates down to the flowers he brought you and the activities you'd done. Things could progress if you chose to allow them to.

MSG Lewis: Is that a no?

MSG: I'm not home.

MSG Lewis: Okay. Where you at, the office? I can come pick you up.

MSG: I'm not at the office. I'm actually on a date.

You waited a few seconds, but he didn’t reply. Why didn't he reply?

"Everything ok?"

Caught off guard, you looked back up to Darius whose eyes were already on you. His brows were knitted with concern.

"Uh--yeah. I uh--I think so."

"A case?"

You thought about it and technically he was right. You were Lewis' entertainment lawyer. You were his personal attorney who reviewed the contracts after the company attorney said they had. You gave it to him between the eyes, never sugarcoating, and told him what was made with his best interest and what was made to capitalize off of him. However, when your services weren’t needed you were friends. Had been for practically a decade now.

Sometimes you couldn’t believe you’d known each other that long. You’d known him since he was just another F1 driver rather than the greatest. He knew you when you were going through school always on an empty tank all in the hopes of rising above the tax bracket you were born into. A decade later and he was dominating F1 and you’d more than risen yourself several levels past the tax bracket you’d been born into.

You were on the partner track at one of the largest firms in Europe. You brought in more revenue than most of the attorneys at the firm thanks to your high-class clientele. You'd both worked your asses off to get to this level and enjoyed the spoils of your labor often. You clubbed together, went to dinner, and sometimes did the vacation vibe together. You enjoyed one another’s company.  

"A client."

"Oh. Everything cool or---," Darius said.

Another message came in just then. "Everything is cool."

Darius smiled. "Good. I'll be right back, men’s room."

"Yeah."

Darius stood then walked off leaving you with the perfect opportunity to check your phone.

MSG Lewis: Is that right?

MSG: Yeah. 2nd date. Well technically 3rd if you can have 2 dates in one day.

MSG Lewis: Cool. Is it going well?

MSG: Yeah. He's made it this far.

MSG Lewis: Cool.

MSG: When he drops me home Ill text you. Come get me then.

Several moments passed before he replied. Again, you wondered why.

MSG Lewis: Cool.

The remainder of dinner you were distracted. Darius played all his cards right, even scoring himself the green light on a little hand-holding action. You had to admit he was smooth. When he pulled up to your condo building he walked you to your door then went in for a kiss. You hadn’t expected it, but rather than pull away, you allowed it to play out. It wasn’t a bad kiss. He hadn’t been too overzealous, only slipped you a little tongue, and had kept his hands respectful. All in all, for a first kiss it was a solid 8.

With a promise to call to set date number 4 sometime next week, you went inside and allowed yourself to come down. The dating scene was not something you enjoyed often. You always felt like you were performing, like men wanted a certain kind of woman, the perfect woman who they could prance around on their arm to make other men envious and that took its toll.

You never felt you had to perform with Lewis. Never felt like he wanted the perfect you. He made fun of you whenever you were perfectly put together for work meetings and said many times he liked you out of the makeup and heels. After another sigh, you took your phone out and texted him.

~~~~~~

-Lewis-

The ceiling looked like every other ceiling he’d ever seen but that didn’t stop him from focusing most of his attention on it like it was the most interesting piece of construction ever. His eyes should have been focused elsewhere but they weren’t. A loud 'slurp' echoed in the mostly quiet room reminding him again that he wasn’t alone.

"Mm. Why are you so distracted tonight, bae?"

Julissa's voice was as smooth as honey and as seductive as ever. He lowered his eyes to where she was kneeling between his legs and took her in. Her lips and chin were wet as she gave him her bedroom eyes. This was not the first time between them. Usually, it would work but not tonight. Tonight he was struggling to even keep his head in the room.

He watched her tip her tongue out and lick from the base of his dick to the glistening tip. Once there she swirled her tongue around him then sucked his head into her mouth. He’d have to be dead for it not to feel nice but that’s all it was--nice.

He sighed then brought his attention back to the ceiling. "Work."

"Aw babe, when you’re with me work should be the last thing on your mind," Julissa said before lowering her mouth down his shaft. When he felt her tonsils he groaned. His body wanted to like this wanted to give her the reaction she was working so hard for, but something was holding him back. Julissa's mouth bobbed up and down his cock sucking and slurping to her heart’s content trying to get him off, but he knew she had her work cut out for her.

He thought back to your text from 2 hours ago. You were on a date. Well shit, he hadn’t seen that coming. That was the last thing he had expected you to be doing tonight. It wasn’t because you weren’t desirable, or he thought no man would want you. For fuck's sake, you were beyond desirable, you were gorgeous and so damn intelligent. He couldn’t figure out which of those made you more beautiful, your looks or your brains. You also worked hard to be where you were, and you deserved all the praise and attention you got wherever you went.

However, sometimes he wished you got a little less male attention--x that, a lot less male attention. He sighed again. This had been going on for 10 years now. Your friendship had only strengthened but along with a strengthening friendship came a lot of other stuff. Stuff like him taking notice of the fullness of your hips or being tempted to peek when you’d been changing in the backseat of his car, or being painfully aware of how your breasts felt against his chest when you hugged.

That coupled with things he had picked up from you, made the unspoken and ignored things that much more—confusing. There were times when the way you stared at him when you thought he wasn’t looking spoke volumes or the way your hand always lingered on him for a few seconds longer than necessary but not long enough for it to be inappropriate, or the time you'd fallen asleep together on the couch and he'd woken to you wrapped around him using him as your personal body pillow and mumbling his name in your sleep.

Yeah, there was a lot of extra stuff, stuff neither of you ever addressed. The only ones who assessed it were his friends. Miles told him on several occasions that he should be careful before he or you fucked around, and someone ended up hurt. That stuck with him, but not in the way Miles had probably meant it. Rather than taking it the way Miles meant, he used it as a means to keep himself in check, a form of prevention from him crossing the line. He knew if he did, neither of you would be able to go back. It would be impossible and was one fuck up worth a decades-long friendship?

So friends were where you stayed until he added another facet--professional. Years passed, dates passed, flings, non-labeled encounters on both your parts passed and through it all your friendship remained, and nothing changed. Except today there was even more extra stuff.

The feel of Julissa’s lips wrapped around his balls sent his hips jerking upward as a curse left his lips. Julissa moaned and giggled.

“Daddy likes that?”

He knew how he would like it more. As quickly as he revved to that thought he steered away from it. That was when his phone sounded.

MSG Y/N: I’m home. Whatdaya you wanna do? Should I change?

His eye caught the time. 1am. Almost 3 hours from your last text and you were only now getting home. Clenching his jaw he took a deep breath. He had no right to be mad or annoyed right now. He knew where this was coming from. You’d been on a date, and you said it was going well. A date going well had a chance of making it upstairs. He closed his eyes squeezing them tightly. He hoped to God that you hadn’t just gotten it in.

MSG Y/N: Hello?

MSG: You don’t have to change. How about some treats and a view?

MSG Y/N: Okay. Still 10?

MSG: Make it 15.

Pulling himself up he reached down to stop Julissa. She looked confused.

“I gotta go J.”

Now she looked even more confused. He didn’t owe her an explanation, that’s not how this worked between them.

“With your dick out?”

He scoffed then fixed himself as he stood.

“Lewis this’s never happened before. Are--,” she began before he cut her off.

“All good, just—not in the mood I guess.”

She looked offended now. “I’m sorry J. We’ll talk.”

He walked to the door then left her apartment without a glance back. He didn’t feel any way about it because both of them knew what their relationship was and wasn’t. She’d agreed. Once he was in his car, he zipped through the London streets maneuvering the quickest route to your place. Thanks to the time it was an easy drive with minimal traffic. 15 minutes on the dot he swerved around to the front of your luxury condo building then sent you a text letting you know he was there.

A few minutes later, he peeped you from the corner of his eye. You walked off the elevator in a short and tight black dress, impossibly high strappy black heels, and a flowy robe-like jacket that danced behind you as you walked.

“Fuck.”

You were beautiful. Just then the thought that you’d gone on a date dressed like this rubbed him wrong. Some other man had seen this view, a view you gave willingly. Clenching his jaw, he looked through his windshield as he tried to push all those thoughts—all that other stuff to the side as he’d done countless times before. He looked back just in time to see you open the door of his car then climb in. His eyes dropped to your legs but seconds later he corrected that.

“Hi!”

Your smile was bright as if you really were as happy to see him as your voice indicated.

“Hey.”

You reached over and pressed your cheek to his for a bougie kiss. The only thing he could think was that you smelled like a treat all by yourself.

“How are you?”

“Good. You?”

“Good. Wow, what’s it been? 2 months?”

He shrugged as he shifted gears and took off. “Something like that.”

“Mercedes sure knows how to keep you busy,” you teased.

He tried to focus on the road but from his peripheral, he could see you crossing your legs displaying even more skin.

“What were you doing? You smell like fruits.”

He chastised himself because he hadn’t done a bit of cleaning up before he came. His only thought was you. Julissa’s fruity lip gloss still stained his dick that he couldn’t manage to get hard for her.

“Nowhere special. Just kickin’ it.”

You didn’t press further which said you knew just what he was doing. He clenched his jaw again, this time annoyed with himself. As he drove to the dessert place you told him about what was going on in your life while he shared some bits of his with you. Like always conversation flowed like a calm river. It was something he loved. It didn’t take long for him to pull up to the drive-thru of the vegan dessert shop. When it was his turn at the window he tipped his hat lower and left the ordering to you.

You ordered damn near everything on the menu. You didn’t care if it was cake, cupcake, ice cream, brownie, or whipped cream. You ordered at least 2 of everything. It took the staff a good 5 minutes to prepare it all and when he loaded them in the backseat it was completely filled. When he looked at you with an “are you serious right now” look, all you did was giggle. Fuck, he thought. There went all that extra stuff again.

“There is no way we can finish all this,” he said looking at the bags they’d moved to the front since parking at their destination.

“Speak for yourself. I always have room for sugar, sugar.”

He snorted then shook his head. “Mad whack.”

Your jaw dropped as you gaped at him, and you looked too fucking adorable. You sifted through the bags until you found the dessert you wanted—the vanilla bean cheesecake. Your eyes lit up as you gawked at the large slice that was topped with white chocolate shavings. “It's so pretty,” you gushed.

He watched you snap picture after picture of the treat before you took your first forkful. When you did, your eyes rolled to the back of your head as you let out a completely indulgent, hearty, and dick-hardening moan. The fuck, he thought as his dick spasmed to life. Quickly he moved one of the bags to his lap and looked out the window.

“This is so good,” you obliviously said still munching on cake.

He pulled out the vegan chocolate truffle cake and took a bite. It too was good.

“That looks good. Is it?”

“Try it,” he said holding out a forkful to your mouth.

You paused for a split second then cut off a piece of your cheesecake before you held your fork to his mouth.

“You try too.”

The image that came to mind was that of a new husband and wife feeding each other wedding cake and with it, his throat went dry. He knew if he tried to speak he’d sound like a pre-pubescent boy, so he wrapped his lips around your fork taking the piece of cake then fed you his. Your eyes lingered on one another for a few moments nut when you moaned again his dick spasmed again. with that he turned his head so fast that he was surprised he hadn’t snapped his own neck in the process.

“So good,” you repeated.

The two of you sat there commenting on the desserts you went through in record time. He didn’t indulge in sweets often but when he did he found it was usually with your sugar-addicted ass. You said there were 4 things in life you would never give up, sugar, your favorite perfume, your favorite underwear set, and sex. He believed you on all points. When there were only a few pieces of cake left the silence in the car stretched.

“So—a date huh.”

“A date.”

“I thought you gave up dating.”

You took a deep breath then slowly released it before turning your body at an angle facing him. The hem of your dress hiked a little higher and he forced himself to look away.

“I did. Then I got bored and he asked.”

“What does he do?”

You didn’t answer automatically, instead, you took another forkful or 2 of cake, then you spoke.

“He’s an attorney.”

“I thought you didn’t date attorneys.”

“I don’t but me and the girls were talking, and it clicked that by x-ing out a whole career field greatly decreased me finding someone who could stick around.”

He paused. Stick around? This was new.

“Stick around? Are you—are you looking for something—serious?”

You took a beat then shrugged. “I don’t know. I thought the other day, I have everything I have ever wanted. I am on this partner track, I make very high 6 figures, I have a great condo, my mental health is amazing, I have no debt, no baby daddies or drama, I—I’m kinda a catch but I go to sleep alone 98% of my nights. I come home to an empty place, I have no meaningful text exchanges, there is—nothing fulfilling in my life. I began to wonder if it was time to change all of that last bit.”

Silence stretched again as he thought over your words while studying you. This was the first time he’d heard you speak like this. Usually, you changed the subject or downplayed having any other thoughts than fun, sex, and work. Now hearing the vulnerability in your voice he knew you’d come to a point where all of this, intention-free dating, pastime sex, stress-busting flirting and all the meaningless interactions were unfulfilling and empty. You wanted more, you wanted love, a life, a husband, kids, vacation homes, and retirement funds, you wanted the quintessential definition of it all. He also noted you now found everything he was currently partaking in meaningless and unfulfilling.

Dropping his head, he stabbed the cake still in his hands. The more puncture holes it picked up the less and less he wanted it.

“Fuck, maybe I’m just bored and need a really, really, good fuck.”

He snorted but it was humorless.

“Don’t downplay what you feel, Y/N. Don’t—make what you feel insignificant, so you feel less vulnerable. It’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s you and me here.”

“It’s just—you—I know those are things you don’t necessarily want and you’re happy with the--.”

“Who said I don’t want those things?”

His tone was sharp and defensive though he hadn’t meant for it to be.

“Uh—you did.”

“No. I said it’s not something I can afford right now with my schedule and my contract extension. I didn’t say I never wanted it.”

You looked away from him to out the window. “Yeah, but your actions say a lot different,” you mumble.

“What does that mean?”

“Nothing.”

“Y/N, look at me. What does that mean?”

You sat quietly for a few moments then just when he was about to ask again you blurted.

“There is a difference between I don’t want it now and I don’t want it ever. Someone who wants it someday would leave themselves open to it rather than boxing every interaction they have into--other things.”

“What if I don’t want to open myself to it?”

“That’s clear Lew.”

“No. You don’t get it. What if I don’t want to open myself to it because I don’t want to find the perfect thing—the perfect woman and then be fucked because it’s too soon and too hard to keep her in my world to wait until I can make those commitments because my world is fucked—I’m fucked because I want the world and will actually keep going until I get it anyone else be damned.”

He could feel your eyes on him, and it was his turn to feel vulnerable and exposed.

“You think because you put everyone in one box it stops what’s meant to be from—being?”

He glanced at you with a pained expression, he knew it. He was actually feeling pain.

“Also—you’re not fucked because you want the world. I want the fucking world. Am I fucked?”

“To be determined.”

You both busted out laughing then. You laughed for a good minute then smiled as it tapered off.

“Aren’t you the tiniest bit lonely in the other side of your life—away from F1?”

He didn’t need to think about that. He knew the answer, but he didn’t want to tell you. The facts were that he was lonely more times than not. That was when he called someone to come distract him or make him feel good. He’d become an expert in the art of distraction. In his life, he only had time and the capacity for low stress and no mess. He had enough of both already.

He felt your hand creep into his and squeeze gently. Suddenly, there was all this other stuff again. The feel of your smaller hand in his larger one was something he really liked. Usually, when either of you took the other’s hand it was in passing or for a second, but the moment lingered and stretched, and still you kept your hand in his swirling your fingers against his palm and other fingers. He liked this too much.

“You can tell me. I won’t judge you. In fact—I’m lonely.”

His eyes slipped to you. Your head was down staring at your hands. It had now moved to trace the tattoos on his hand with the point of your nail as if his flesh were an adult coloring book. He watched you trace the rose on his pinky, then the planets on his ring finger. When you got to the lined arrow down his middle, he was having trouble swallowing again. Slowly, you traced the spaceship then went up across the sword until you reached his wrist.

He didn’t know if there was rhyme or reason to your movements or if you were just absently doing it. Goosebumps peppered his skin when you went up his forearm. He looked at you just before your eyes met his.

“You are?”

You nodded. “I am,” you whispered.

The air was on but inside the car easily felt like a sweltering 99 degrees. He didn’t know if it was from your touch or if it was the shift in the air between you. Did you notice it too?

“I think it’s okay to be lonely especially looking at how we live. We’re always working, always pushing ourselves to and through glass ceilings and when we do there is no one really there to share it with, not really, not in the way that fulfills,” you said.

Your face was closer to his now. Had he moved closer or was it you? Your eyes met again, and the temperature kicked up again. Fuck, he thought as his dick recklessly spasmed, begging for attention.

“I’m never lonely with you,” he said before his brain could stop his mouth.

A small smile lit your face, “Me too. Never with you.”

The smile slipped. “Well—not always.”

He turned to you more now, curiosity filling him. “What do you mean?”

You stayed quiet for a few moments but kept tracing his skin with your nail.

“There are times I can’t—guess what you’re thinking. Times I can’t—figure you out.”

“Then ask me.”

“Would you really tell me?”

He leaned closer. “I’d tell you anything.”

You searched his eyes, but you didn’t move back.

“Anything?”

He nodded slowly. His head felt hazy like you had him under some sort of spell with nothing more than your presence and the tip of your finger and all he truly wanted was to touch you in return. So he did. Reaching across to your exposed knee, he circled his finger around the smooth skin there. You sucked in a breath the moment his finger touched you and that one action nearly had him pulling you across the partition right onto his lap. Nearly.

So there on a hill that overlooked London, in his car, sitting near enough to a lone road light, you trailed your finger across his forearm while he did the same to your knee. The low light that illuminated the car bathed your skin in amber making him feel like you were on a whole different plane of existence rather than this real proven and tangible one. Your eyes held him in place to the point where he felt like he couldn’t move though he wanted to.

Without even realizing it you were mere inches from him. In fact, you were so close he could make out the hidden colors in your eyes, so close he could smell the fragrance on your skin that went deeper than perfume. This was your essence and by God he was intoxicated. Unable to stop himself, he inched his hand higher gripping your inner thigh. A soft moan fell from your lips and that was all it took for him to press his forehead to yours like the sound was tethered to his very core.

“Y/N,” he groaned.

The sheer might it was taking to keep himself restrained was becoming too much. At this point, it wouldn’t take much for him to abandon those restraints and give in.

“Lewis,” you whispered.

Your voice was raspy and dripping with what he dared label as desire. Fuck, he thought as he squeezed your thigh. He was so close, mere inches and it wouldn’t take much to close the gap between his fingers and your core but still, he fought himself. He was so wrapped up in his own battle for control within himself that he didn’t even realize when your hand rested on his upper thigh. You were dangerously close to kicking the lid off the box of other stuff that he’d worked years to keep shut. Half of him silently begged for you to keep going and kick it off so everything would be out in the open and it would be do or die but the other half of him hesitated still. The unknown was a powerful and sobering drug.

Your hand inched higher, then closer to what was the rock-hard physical evidence that deep down, now closer to the surface than ever before, he felt more, wanted more than what was. He wanted more than he could possibly afford. Still, his hand persisted, it inched higher making your hips jerk forward. The knowledge that he’d hit a sensitive spot sent his system into overdrive making a deep moan from his lips fill the car.

On cue in response, your legs opened a few inches more, making way for his hand. Jesus Christ he thought. There was his consent, you wanted him as he wanted you. There would be nothing wrong with him slipping his fingers underneath whatever underwear you wore. Fuck, he hoped they were lacy and strappy. There would be nothing wrong with him letting your hand slide to the aching dick straining against his pants begging for your attention. Shit, he bet your hands would feel incredible wrapped around him. There would be nothing wrong with him moving closer and finally claiming your lips as his. Damn, he just knew they were as sweet as they looked, that they felt amazing. There would be nothing wrong with him pulling your body against his for more than a clothed hug. There would be nothing wrong with him cupping your breasts and swirling his thumb across your nipple just to see the reaction it elicited. God damn it, he knew your moans would destroy him. There would be nothing wrong with him finally learning what you tasted like, nothing wrong with him finally smearing your wetness across his lips. Holy fuck, he knew you had to taste like pure sugar and cream.

His cock spasmed again then your hand made the move for him. In the same breath with his eyes squeezed tight, he lurched for your hand, gripping you by your wrist stopping you just before you touched him. As he did that his jaw clenched, the only thing he could do to stifle the moan at the tip of his tongue. It came out as a half groan and growl instead. The strangled whine that left you said you liked it, and he knew he had to end this here. It took him some time to find the smallest bit of control to open his eyes, but he didn’t possess enough control to look at you. There was no way he could.

“I’ll take you home,” he said, voice low and so close to a whisper.

He tried to keep the longing, regret, and hope from it. Slowly he removed his hand from your thigh hoping with everything in him that you grabbed it and nudged it higher. You didn’t though, so he turned forward readying himself to drive. You didn’t move for several long moments; you remained there half facing him with your thighs still tempting him to go back and take things further. With his hands on the steering wheel, he trained his eyes forward. He could feel all the antsy energy bouncing off every cell of his body, he could feel all the need in him wreaking havoc on him telling him to stop being a pussy and do what he really wanted to, say what he wanted to, take what he wanted.

His hands squeezed so tightly that the creaking of the leather echoed in the intense silence in the car. Just when he was about to say fuck it, you turned away from him. You softly cleared your throat then buckled yourself in. Sighing, he pushed started the ignition then swerved out of the parked spot they were in taking the route back to the city. As he drove you didn’t speak, you didn’t even move. You kept your head turned away from him looking out the passenger window with your legs crossed away from him. Your body language sent a completely different message now. Before you were open and so close to him. Now, you were so far he wondered if he’d turned Miles’ words into truths.

~~~~~

-Y/N- 8 Months Later-

The loud ‘pop’ of a champagne cork echoed just behind you making you spin in that direction. A group was just behind you laughing and toasting to something you guessed was momentous. You sighed then turned back to the painting you were currently studying. The abstract lines and swoops looked so similar to the slopes of a body. The longer you stared at it the more it felt like an erotic image than some random lines and swirls. There was something about it that stirred something in you, something that you’d ignored and buried so deep, something you hadn’t felt for 8 months.

You drained your champagne glass then squeezed your eyes shut. It had been a long 8 months. You’d worked your ass off times ten taking on more and more clients than before. You brought on 12 celebrity clients and 4 major corporate ones which brought Halsey, Boyd, and Crenshaw to the top of the field in revenue. You brought in so much money that you’d gotten 7 poaching offers from firms in different parts of the country.

Thanks to those offers that you hadn’t necessarily kept confidential, the interest in you for partner rose to unbeatable levels. Anyone you were competing against for the position paled in comparison. Those 8 months of ass-busting work led to your name being signed on the paperwork titling you as the new partner at Halsey Boyd and Crenshaw. It was so much of a done deal that your bank account proudly embraced your new status.

With that new status came an increase in the events you had to make an appearance at as thee number 1 entertainment and criminal attorney in London. Your calendar quickly filled with meetings, speeches, appearances, court appearances, dinners, and more. You were so booked that the next time you had any schedule free time was 6 months away. You’d catapulted so far out of your original tax bracket that you’d shattered the glass ceiling that tried to confine you and now you wondered if you’d aimed too high.

“Looks like I’m right on time.”

You looked to your right and found Darius holding another glass of champagne for you. Smiling, you took it.

“That you are, thank you.”

“Of course. To you, the youngest and newest partner at Halsey Boyd and Crenshaw and in the greater London area.”

You smiled as the man who’d stuck around through your insane schedule, your hot and cold behavior, your pull you close one minute, push you away the next, your disappearing acts, your reluctance to place a label on your interactions, your give me sex then get gone rule, and more for the last 8 months.

“Thank you, Darius,” you said leaning toward him and pressing your lips against his.

Darius moaned and reciprocated the kiss, snaking his hand around your waist and pulling you close. You felt like you were thanking him for much more than the toast and the fresh glass of champagne. You felt like you were thanking him for taking your bare minimum and it made you feel like shit.

Darius pressed his forehead to yours and instantly you had a flash back to the last man who’d done that to you. In a split second, your heart rate spiked, and an intense feeling gripped you.

“You don’t have to thank me, love.”

Your reaction to the action ricocheted through you making you pull away from Darius. Turning back to the painting, you gulped down the champagne.

“It’s crazy that your firm has so many celebrity clients and that this many are here to welcome you as partner,” Darius said in hushed tones.

“It is crazy.”

All night you’d been rubbing elbows with actors, musicians, models, athletes, and more. All of them congratulated you on your promotion and wished you greater success in the future. It was touching but a little bit overwhelming. You couldn’t let on though, so for the entire night you’d been performing, and you were nearing the limits of your stamina for it. You’d been performing for the last 8 months. Shit, you’d even been performing with Darius. You’d been performing ever since you were dropped off in those early morning hours those 8 months ago.

“Y/N,”

To your left, your paralegal now turned assistant, Kemi touched your elbow drawing your attention to her.

“Hey, girl.”

“Hey, you look incredible,” she said.

“Stop saying that please, you’re gonna blow my head up so big I just might start thinking I deserve a higher position.”

She giggled but gave you a look that said “well ya’ do.”

“The big wigs are asking for you, although you’re now one of them so--.”

You snorted while rolling your eyes. “Then doesn’t that make you the big wig assistant?”

She posed then making you laugh.

“I’ll be right back,” you said to Darius as you walked off to find those big wigs.

It didn’t take long before you found them surrounded by a group of about 10 people. When they saw you they waved you over with large smiles on their faces. You took a deep breath and approached them with an equally large smile.

“There she is ladies and gentlemen!”

The group smiled, patted your back, and welcomed you with friendly banter.

“Everyone!”

The music died down and someone handed Malcolm Boyd a microphone. He was your biggest fan, a black man who’d made unfathomable feats in the field and became an incredible mentor and second father to you. He put his arm around your shoulder as he always did.

“I am filled with great happiness and pride calling this woman the new partner here at Halsey, Boyd, and Crenshaw!”

Everyone began applauding then, drowning out his next words so he paused and allowed them a few moments before continuing.

“She has been with us for 6 years now and in those 6 years she has accomplished incredible things and when she was done with those incredible things she moved on to outstanding things. Y/N has reminded many of us of what it means to be determined and persistent. She tackles every case with poise, confidence, and grace and that confidence has given her that 99% win record.”

Again everyone clapped. You softly smiled at them half embarrassed by the praise but half so damn proud of yourself and happy that your accomplishments were being recognized.

“Just as Malcome said, “Patrick Halsey began placing his hand on Malcom’s shoulder, “Y/N more than deserves this promotion and I expect her to blow all of our minds in the coming months and years. We just might have to add another name to the plague.”

Many in the audience hollered and hooted at that and you couldn’t lie that the greedy ambition within you salivated at that possibility. You still wanted more. You exchanged a look with Malcome who gave you an all-knowing look. You just found your next accomplishment. The founding partners took turns praising you and giving reasons why you’d earned this promotion then raised their glasses to you for the ultimate toast of congratulations. You humbly thanked them and gave a quick appreciative speech before lifting your glass to the audience.

As you drank down the tart liquid, your eye caught sight of a figure you hadn’t seen in person for almost 2 months—Lewis. He stood at the back in a black suit that clearly was made for him. His braids were pulled back in the way he liked when he was tackling more professional events. He looked as good as ever. He lifted his glass of water to you and in response you gave him a tight smile.

The same thing happened that always happened when you met one another ever since that night. Your body went through this strange cycle of reaction, excitement, confusion, hurt, anger, annoyance, and disappointment. It was exhausting. Because of these feelings, you regretted that night. You regretted allowing your thoughts to go so astray that you opened up your ‘what if’ box. You regretted every whisper, every lean in, every almost touch, every lingering look, everything. You even regretted getting out of his car when he pulled up to your condo instead of pulling him by his hair to you and telling him to go upstairs with you. you didn’t know what you regretted more.

The worst part was that you had to continue on like always. Normally it wouldn’t be a problem because that night was not the first night there had been many ‘what if’ nights over your decade-long friendship. The common factor was that both of you moved on and slinked back into the basics of your relationship—comfort and friendship. This time is difficult, so difficult you contemplated passing his case off to another attorney. If it hadn’t been for Malcome talking you out of it he would have been someone else’s responsibility. Instead, you put on your big girl panties and a mask and did something you never thought you’d ever do with him—performed.

When the crowd thinned out and everyone returned to what they were doing you began making your way back to Darius in the opposite direction. You were ready to leave. Before you got far Lewis stepped in front of you stopping you in your tracks.

“Congratulations, Y/N.”

Smiling, you thanked him.

“You look--,” his words stalled as his eyes roamed your body. You noted the conflicted look on his face before it disappeared. “Incredible,” Lewis finished.

His compliment made your body warm and something like hope filled you. Chastising yourself you swallowed the lump in your throat. “Thank you. You look nice too.”

Lewis scoffed softly then nodded. You then tried to slip by him, however, Lewis wasn’t having it. Again, he stepped in front of you.

“In a rush to get away from me?”

“Why would you say that? Have you done anything to me for me to want that?”

Silence stretched and Lewis studied you his jaw clenched tightly. Instead of speaking, he looked down, an act of defeat.

“Can we talk, Y/N?”

“We’re talking right now.”

He gave you an unamused look, but you kept your nonchalant, innocent one. Unexpectedly Miles approached then.

“There she is--partner lady. Congratulations Y/N.”

You smiled then hugged Miles. “Thank you!”

“This is incredible news, Y/N. So happy for you.”

“I appreciate that. Thank you for coming,” you replied.

“You know me, always this fool’s plus one.”

You smiled then the silence returned for a few seconds before Lewis spoke again.

“Maybe we can go somewhere—quiet after this?”

“Unfortunately I don’t think I can.”

“Why?”

Just then Darius approached and wrapped his arm around your waist resting his hand on your hip. You watched Lewis’ eyes drop to that hand and continued to watch as his jaw turned tight as if it filled with cement.

“Oh wow. Lewis Hamilton,” Darius said turning to you, his voice awestricken. “Babe it’s Lewis Hamilton.”

You nodded as a soft smile played on your lips. “Let me introduce you. Darius, this is one of my clients, Lewis Hamilton, and his best friend Miles Chamley-Watson fencing champion and Olympian. Miles, Lewis this is my—.”

You hesitated and in the same second, you felt Darius’ eyes on you filled with hope. Two other pairs of eyes were on you--one giving complete double eyeball emoji and the other searing you almost daring you to continue. The longer you didn’t speak, you watched Darius’ hope turn to disappointment. Glancing back at Lewis you found his eyebrow up with a curious and confrontational look while Miles was the epitome of if ‘well this is awkward’ was a person.

“This is Darius Forrester.”

You felt even more like shit now. Darius shook Lewis’ hand first then Miles’. While he did Lewis looked him over sizing him up. You knew he was wondering if he was the same man from those months ago when you’d told him you were on a date.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, I’m a fan,” Darius said to Lewis.

“Thank you. I appreciate that. I can sign something for you if you want.”

You rolled your eyes at his underhanded jab while a half chortle escaped Miles. Darius on the other hand leapt at the opportunity, handing Lewis the only thing he had, an art bidding ballot. Lewis signed the back but kept his eyes on Darius’ hand on your hip.

“Bidding on some art tonight?”

“I am. There is a piece this gorgeous angel has been staring at all night, it’ll be my gift to her for her promotion,” Darius explained rubbing your hip.

You smiled at him then kissed his cheek. Lewis now looked entertained while Miles’ eyes widened as he finished the drink in his hand.

“Ehm, anyway. So I’m sorry I can’t pencil you in tonight but if you call Kemi and make an appointment she’ll get you on the calendar for a different day for that talk,” you said.

“Plans tonight,” Miles guessed looking between you and Darius.

“Absolutely. I’ve had way too much to drink and plan on taking advantage of that.”

You leaned closer to Darius kicking up your performance another notch. Lewis smirked but also clenched his jaw to that. Miles whistled while nodding his head.

“Go on then Ms. Partner, fly by the seat of your panties or no panties,” Miles teased making you and Darius chuckle while Lewis gave him an unamused look.

“Well, enjoy your evening gentlemen. Thank you again for coming by,” you said before you made a move to walk off with Darius.

As you walked away you placed your hand over Darius’ and slyly slipped it lower to rest on your ass. You knew Lewis was watching and decided to deliver the last blow. Was it petty? Yes. Was it fair to Daius? Not at all.

The next hour or so passed with you roaming around the gallery looking at the art while Darius flirted with you. As you roamed, no matter where you went you saw Lewis from the corner of your eye and no matter how much space was between you, your skin reacted as if Darius’ touch was his. The more you felt that way the reality that Darius’ touch was in fact all his own annoyed you making you feel even worse. You knew what needed to be done and knew it had to be done soon.

The only way you could distract yourself was with glass after glass of champagne. As you emerged from one of your countless trips to the bathroom you bumped into Miles.

“Funny bumping into you here.”

You smiled warmly, “Still here? I thought you and Lewis left hours ago.”

“You knew we were still here,” he accused.

You tried to give an affronted look but failed. He was right. Sighing, your act fell for the first time that night.

“Wow. Feels good to not perform huh.”

You looked at Miles and wondered just how much he knew. He didn’t keep you in suspense long.

“What a twisted web we weave when we practice to deceive.” He scoffed, shook his head then continued, look, I am going to tell you the same thing I told Lewis.”

You perked up then but tried to play it off.

“You better stop playing before somebody gets hurt and by the looks of it, it’s gonna be your homeboy Darius if not all three of you.”

You took in his words then put your mask back in place. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yeah you do, just like Lewis knew what I was talking about all those years ago, but he still decided to keep playing, and now look where we are.”

Your curiosity peaked then. “What are you talking about Miles? What do you think you know?”

He scoffed. “I’m a straightforward kinda guy so I’ll say I know everything. As the neutral 3rd party who is both on the outside looking in and the inside watching this train wreck, I know everything. I know what he tells me and what he doesn’t tell me, and I know what you don’t tell him.”

Your eyes lingered and the longer they did the more you got his meaning. Glancing away you tried to pretend like his words meant nothing, but you knew you were failing.

“I get it, I really do; 10 years is a long time to put at risk but are you really putting it at risk knowing all you know? You have 10 years of proof. Man up.”

Miles leaned in, kissed your cheek, and whispered, “Let homeboy go so he can find someone who really loves him, someone who can love him. Your corner is full.”

With that, he walked away leaving you speechless and confused. Your corner was full? You had no idea whatsoever what that meant, and you were tempted to follow Miles and get some clarification, but you decided against it remembering the last time you chased down the rabbit hole. When you found Darius again his expression was somber when he told you that the painting he’d been bidding on was outbid and that he didn’t have it to gift you. After assuring him you were fine, you decided you were more than ready to leave.

Darius got the car as you waited outside allowing the cold air to cool your skin. You didn’t care that you were risking illness because it served as a needed distraction. When you felt a fabric drape over your shoulders you bristled at first but then Lewis’ scent circled you and your body relaxed. Even that annoyed you.

“I don’t need this. Darius will be back soon anyway.”

Lewis snorted. “8 months, is that a record?”

“I think it’s a record for you, but I’ve gone longer.”

He scoffed then shook his head. “No doubt, remember Y/N. I will be here long after you get bored with them all. I’m always here.”

Your eyes locked and his should have been radiating cockiness that matched his words, but instead, they were gentle, open, and vulnerable.

“Will you?”

There was no time to reply because a car horn blared drawing your attention. Darius waved at you as he got out of the car to walk around to the passenger side.

“Good night Lewis.”

You walked away from him then slipped into the passenger side. As you waited for Darius to get in and drive off, you stared at Lewis who hadn’t budged from the curb where you left him. Miles’ words echoed back to you then.

“Just like Lewis knew what I was talking about all those years ago, but he still decided to keep playing, and now look where we are.”

“You have 10 years of proof.”

“Your corner is full.”

The word ‘full’ echoed over and over as Darius pulled off. Bullshit, you said to yourself in disbelief.

When Darius pulled up to your condo you sat there marinating in all your thoughts throughout the nearly thirty-minute drive. It wasn’t until you felt Darius’ hand on your exposed knee did you realize he was still there.

“Are you okay? Want me to come up?”

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. “We need to talk Darius.”

When you looked at him his expression said he knew just what you were about to say. Being as gentle as you could, you ended things. Although the old “it’s not you it’s me” line fit the situation perfectly. You dug a little deeper and gave him and heartfelt reason without revealing you were and had been in love with your best friend for 10 years and didn’t realize it until his feelings were already on the line. When you finished, Darius remained the good guy he was and told you he understood and that he’d expected this sooner or later. You thanked him for being good to you then began making your way to the elevators.

Halfway there you dug into the pocket of the jacket you wore and froze. When you took your hand out you held a note with your name sprawled on the front in Lewis’ handwriting.

-Y/N-

I’ve thought for months about what to say to you because there is so much to say, so much that has gone unsaid for so long that I don’t know where to start—how to start. 10 years is a long time especially when neither of us has been 100% honest with the other. I want to end that. Please.

-Lewis

You read then reread the note over and over hoping you would know what to do next but no matter how many times you did, you had nothing. So you walked back and forth in the lobby. When your phone sounded, you found a message from Lewis.

MSG Lewis: Ball’s in your court. I’m outside your building.

You froze then slowly turned and saw his car. It had been months since you’d been in a car with him and the thought of doing it again freaked you out a little. Your eyes met at that moment, but he didn’t move. He was giving you the time to decide for yourself. You turned your back to him then walked to the elevators but stopped halfway. After a few moments, you turned back around and walked to the doors only to stop halfway again and repeat the whole cycle. Still, Lewis didn’t budge. He just watched as your internal debate played out physically.

After ten minutes you stooped down and put your down, completely exhausted by your indecisiveness. Taking a deep breath, you held it and allowed your lungs to adjust. It was an action you often did to help you think and calm down. As your oxygen levels decreased your heartbeat would slow and as it did, there was always one particular beat where you figured it all out. It usually came right in the nick of time.

So you allowed your heartbeat to slow and though you should have panicked you didn’t. You thought clearer than you’d ever thought before.

“I know what he tells me and what he doesn’t tell me, and I know what you don’t tell him.”

Miles’ words came back to you again and it was then you gasped filling your lungs with air. After a few breaths, you stood then turned to the doors. It worked all the time. With your head high and back straight you walked toward them then climbed inside Lewis’ car. Without a word, he pulled off then turned back onto the streets.

~~~~~~

Thirty minutes later you walked into a penthouse suite right behind Lewis.

“Why here?”

“Thought neutral ground would make you more comfortable.”

You scoffed and beelined right to the bar, tossing his suit jacket over the back of one of the bar stools. As you mixed yourself a drink you tried not to focus on him, but you did. No matter where he went you knew. You were hypersensitive to him at this point. You’d only meant to make a glass but ended up making a whole shaker cup. You kicked off your heels, climbed onto the bar stool then plopped yourself on the countertop. Once comfortable you crossed your legs and sipped your drink.

“Where’s Darius?”

“Not here obviously.”

“You and I are so alike it’s insane,” he said as he approached you, but he didn’t come close. He stopped at the sectional couches in the middle of the large living area and then sat.

The silence in the room was thick for such a long time you began thinking about leaving altogether.

“Congratulations again. I’m so fucking proud of you. You saw something you wanted and didn’t stop until you got it. You deserve this.”

Your stomach flipped hearing his praise. More than anyone he knew what you’d gone through to get here. It touched you. Looking away from him, you cleared your throat. “Thanks.”

His eyes remained on you as if daring you to look back at him. It was a dare you had to accept. Your eyes locked and you instantly felt it. There was so much to say. Just behind him, you saw something familiar. Squinting, you made out the painting you’d been staring at all night, the painting Darius wanted to bid on for you. It clicked then, the reason why Darius couldn’t win it was because Lewis claimed it first. You scoffed, the man was competitive and dominant to a fault. You couldn’t help but be touched by the gesture though.

Lewis sighed bringing your eyes back to him, “I don’t even know where to start,” groaned, rubbed his eyes then spoke again. “Maybe I’m sorry is a good place.”

You studied him for a few moments then took a mouthful of your drink. “For what?”

“You know for what.”

That night.

Those words hung in the air, and you did your best to remain aloof. Scoffing, you shook your head. “It’s all good Lewis.”

“You’re lying and you know it. I thought attorneys believed in the truth.”

“Who are you to tell me what my truth is?!”

You hadn’t meant to shout it, but you did.

“Because more times than not our truths match up and I am sure that what happened was not all good to you because it wasn’t to me.”

“And what exactly wasn’t all good to you?”

“The way we—I left things,” he quietly said.

You waited for him to continue because there was no way in hell you were going to make this easy for him. He wanted to talk so he’d talk. Lewis shook his head then hung it backward. He sat there staring into the ceiling for almost a full minute before he looked back at you.

“I just—flipped when we were—you were—you wanted--,” he stuttered.

You scoffed again, “Don’t flatter yourself, Lewis,” you said slipping into the barstool and spinning it around so your back faced him.

“What?”

“You and I both know that none of that meant anything to you. It’s all good.”

“Now who’s telling who what their truth is?”

You didn’t take the bait, instead, you kept your back to him and finished your glass.

“You forget, I know you, Lewis. 10 years of friendship and I know you so well that it was my own damn fault that night.”

“Whatdaya know?”

After refilling your glass you turned back around then hopped off the stool and walked toward the large floor-to-ceiling window. “I know that that you were with one of your rotation chicks before you came to pick me up. I smelled her on you. That fruity aroma was all her. I know that because of that tidbit of info, none of it meant anything.”

Leaning against the window you stared down at the view of London. Lights glistened down below, and you imagined everyone scurrying to where they had to go so wrapped up in their own thoughts or existence to even suspect that it all was fleeting.

“Okay, I’ll own that bit. Yeah, I was with one of them but that was only after I found out you were on a date.”

“So it’s my fault. I was on a date living my life, so you decided to get your dick wet. Okay.”

You took another sip from your glass not liking the direction of this little talk he wanted to have.

“I never said it was your fault. It’s just a fact. I texted you because I wanted to see you, wanted to spend time with you and you were spending time with someone else, someone you probably did God knows what with hours before you saw me.”

And with that, you were done here. Finishing the glass you turned and walked to the door.

“Good night Lewis.”

He scurried in front of you blocking your path. “Wait, please. Shit! I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Two sorries in the span of twenty minutes, cool. Get out of my way.”

“No, Y/N, please wait.”

You sighed, rubbing your forehead. “I’m sick and tired of waiting. I’ve waited 10 years!”

“You’ve waited? I’ve—.”

Lewis threw his hands up then walked away grunting and talking to himself. He looked insane and it kind of made you pleased seeing it. He always appeared so in control, so aware of himself and his actions at all times. It had all gone to shit now. You stood there debating if you should just leave and let things remain how they were until the day you both just stopped talking and checking in and it ended up going on for another 10 years until you were just people who used to know one another, people who’d missed out on something. It was then you realized you weren’t wearing shoes.

“Shit,” you whispered.

“I wanted you that night. I wanted you more than I had ever wanted anyone, including anyone in the rotation. Do you know what I was doing while you were on your date?”

“Getting your dick wet. I know.”

“I was lying on Julissa’s bed as she gave me head.”

You scoffed, “Of course you were.”

“She’d been going for 40 minutes and still I was barely hard. No matter what she did, no matter the tricks, no matter how nice it felt, barely hard. I was lying on her bed with my dick in her mouth thinking about you on your fucking date.”

You looked at him then. Those were words you hadn’t expected.

“My mind went crazy thinking what was happening. The longer that went by without you texting me the thoughts killed me. As soon as I got your message I left. No other thought, just you. I prayed to God that the date didn’t go well enough for you to let him upstairs. Then I saw what you were wearing, and I couldn’t believe I was jealous. I was jealous.”

“Why?”

Lewis looked at you then. “Because he got to see you like that. You’d dressed up for him, wanted to turn him on with that outfit. He’d spent the entire night with you. He’d had what I wanted.”

Well shit, you thought before walking back to the bar. Rather than making another drink, you took up a bottle of champagne and brought it to your lips.

“Do you know what it feels like to want someone so bad that it fucks with you and everything you do? To want someone more than you’ve wanted anything. To want someone in a way that is new to you, so new that it scares you. Do you know what it feels to have this crippling fear every time that someone is in your grasp, but not being able to resist the temptation, the desire to make them yours? Do you know what it feels like to know that you only burn this bright, this hot, this dangerous with one person, and the burn is all-consuming?”

He looked almost hysterical now. “Do you know what it feels like to want the perfect someone for you? I’m talking molded for you in every way while knowing it’s not the right time for you because you both want too much from the world and because you know that because you burn so hot, so bright that you’ll burn each other if either of you ever let go and let it happen? To know you are so similar that you will either destroy each other or ruin one another for anyone else.”

The look on his face was so damn relatable. He’d just said everything you’d thought over the last 10 years. Everything.

“I know what he tells me and what he doesn’t tell me.”

He was practically ranting now. Spewing every single thing that he’d ever thought, confessing it all.

“So because of all that you try to keep up pretenses that you’re friends and nothing more though you have countless moments where you slip up and stare at them too long, or hold them in your arms from a hug for half a minute too long, or let your hand linger in theirs or around their waist to test boundaries because you just can’t not touch them, or even find reasons to do every single thing together. You take those 2 steps forward not realizing you do because the pull is too strong, then you freak out and leap back 5 steps. You do this for weeks, months, years until 10 of them have passed and you have this huge box you’d filled with all the other stuff between you that you can’t express or fess up to until that box just gets stirred by one action, one moment--one night.”

His eyes were locked on yours. Somehow he’d traveled across the room to the bar and was standing right in front of you. Somehow he’d locked you in the frame of his arms leaving you nowhere to run. Somehow he’d managed to inflate your chest with hope right beside your thundering heart.

“Then suddenly—everything has changed, and nothing can be the same ever again,” he finished, his voice a whisper in the completely silent room.

You watched his eyes lower to your lips and your gut flipped again.

“Do you know what any of that feels like, Y/N?”

There were only mere inches between you now and the sheer proximity of his body to yours made you shiver.

“H—how long—have you—felt this way?”

Your voice quivered in a way that made it obvious to him what his nearness was doing to you.

“10--fucking years,” Lewis replied eyes glued to yours.

He took one step to you, “I’ve spent the last 8 months cleaning my life, cleaning my circle because I’ve gotten to the point where I could no longer ignore that everyone else is number 2 for me. You’re number one, Y/N.”

You were frozen in place, unsure what to say, and even more unsure what to do. He was right, your truths usually did line up and this was no different.

“And I know it scares you, shit it scares me too. All of this does. I know my life is insane and yours is about to be even more so, I get you still have things you want to accomplish; I saw your face when Halsey mentioned adding your name to the plaque. You want it and I want it for you as well as the world for both of us. Our timing can’t be any worse, but something has got to give, love, because I can’t take another year let alone 10 of this.”

You took a deep, ragged breath.

“Where--,” Lewis began before stopping and chewing his top lip.

It was a nervous tick. “Where do I—stand—with you?”

For 10 years he’d been so hard to read, so nearly impossible to gauge, and here right now in the darkness of the room you could see him as clear as day. He was oh so transparent and scared you’d reject him. Scared you’d decide he was more trouble than he was worth. Scared he’d just showed you his heart and ruined your friendship in the process. Without realizing it you were crying; you felt a tear roll down your cheek.

Sniffling, you wiped it away, “Ehm, I broke up with Darius tonight.”

Lewis looked shocked. Clearly, he thought you were still together.

“Why?”

You wiped the other tear that fell from your eye then looked away from him. All of a sudden the room felt smaller than it was, it felt as if the walls were closing in on you. Lewis cupped the back of your head cradling your skull in his palm making you look him in the eyes.

“Why?”

“For the last 8 months, I’ve been hot and cold with him, I pulled him close one minute then the next pushed him away, I disappeared a lot always using work as the excuse. I was busy, yeah, but it wasn’t work. I was always so reluctant to put a label on what we were doing, every time he brought it up I changed the subject never giving him the answer he wanted. Even when we had sex--.”

Lewis took a deep breath, dropped his head, and harshly released it, clearly displeased with confirmation that he’d had you that way, but you continued.

“Even then it was usually always on my terms, and I always wanted him to leave right after. I was—I was always thinking about someone else, something else instead of him, and for 8 months I never felt anything remotely close to what I felt that night with him. over the months every time I saw you it hacked at whatever was going on between me and him until tonight seeing you again it just--.”

You flicked your five fingers indicating an explosion. I’ve become hypersensitive to you, and I don’t know when it happened. It dawned on me that—I was using Darius and it wasn’t fair.”

Lewis searched your eyes not hiding the hurt in his. You took a step towards him. “You’re right about a few things. Our timing couldn’t be any worse.”

He nodded.

“Our truths usually always line up.”

Lewis looked hopeful then.

“Your life is insane.”

The hope faltered.

“I do want my name on that plaque, and I will get it.”

A small smile crooked his lips.

Another tear rolled down your cheek and again you wiped it away, “I can also no longer ignore that everyone else is number 2 for me. Always has been because you’re my number one.”

He clenched his jaw then and the emotion that washed over his face rocked you. Like an earthquake rocking the Earth’s surface.

“I am scared.”

As this tear rolled, Lewis was the one to reach out and gently wipe it with the pad of his thumb. Your lip quivered.

“I’m so scared.”

Lewis pushed forward then, crashing his lips to yours in one swift move. Once your lips met neither of you went slow. The kiss was frenzied from the beginning, both of you wanting it all and not wanting to waste any more time taking it. As his tongue rolled with yours you closed the space between you pressing your body against him. Lewis softly moaned, wrapping his arms around you. When you bit down on his bottom lip he groaned then walked you backward until your back collided with the edge of the bar. Trapping you there once again, he kissed you without holding a thing back and your body responded to him instantaneously.

In a matter of seconds, you both were moaning against each other and completely wrapped up in the new feelings that were consuming you. Lewis cupped your face as he kissed you then ran his hands down to your neck. You couldn’t deny that this felt even better than you imagined. Moaning, you clutched his waist but when that didn’t suffice, you slowly slid your hands up along his toned abs, over his chest taking in the bulge of muscle there. When you wrapped them around his neck, Lewis pressed more persistently against you.

“Mmmm!”

Lewis tore his lips from you and put his forehead to yours. “Fuck, I don’t want to get too carried away. I’m sorry I should have asked first.”

“Consent fucking given,” you said before you crashed your lips to his.

This time you took control. Swirling your tongue with his you didn’t give him time to react or gain the upper hand. You wanted to taste him, and you refused to wait any longer. Teasing his lips, you nibbled his bottom one, taking your time to sensually suck on it until he moaned against you. The vibration shot through you making you feel like you’d only now just begun to truly feel. Lewis’ hands roughly gripped your hips, holding you steady so you could feel that you weren’t the only one finally feeling for the first time.

Heightening both if your pleasure, you sucked his tongue until he groaned. The next thing you knew Lewis’ had you by the hips lifting you onto the bar top. You wrapped your thighs around him and nearly came when you felt his hands pry your legs apart. The heat radiating off of his hand on your bare thigh reminded you of the night in his car and you prayed he didn’t stop again.

As if reading your mind, Lewis met your eyes while he slid his hand higher and higher and higher until his fingers crawled to your inner thigh. Softly he raked his manicured nails against your skin forcing a whimper from you. You bit down on your bottom lip and silently willed yourself not to cum from the anticipation. Suddenly the back of Lewis’ fingers brushed against your sex. Your gasp was loud, breathy, and stretched out as he took his time moving centimeter by centimeter until he’d trapped your clit between his pointer and middle finger. Your jaw dropped all the while he held your gaze.

When he tightened his fingers and rubbed against you, your eyes rolled to the back of your head. You knew then he was dangerous, and you were going to cum.

“F—ha—fu-huck!”

Your back arched, head fell back as your body moved like it were possessed. Each spasm of pleasure had you bucking against his fingers until you could hardly breathe.

“My god you’re so fucking beautiful when you cum, love.”

You giggled and moaned as the tremors worked their way through you. “Mmm, orgasms and compliments, a girl could get used to this,” you cooed.

“Good. This is your future.”

Lewis moved his hand, brought them to your thighs then lifted them. As he planted your heels at the edge of the bar, you knew what he wanted. Your eyes dropped to his lips then you moaned. Pulling your dress away from your legs you allowed them to fall back to the bar showing him not only gymnasts were flexible.

“Oh fuck,” Lewis groaned.

You watched his eyes drop to your sex and the look on his face was unlike any you’d ever seen. No one had looked at you like this before. He stared where your thighs met like it was the most mesmerizing thing he’d ever seen, the first of its kind and something he wanted to completely destroy. You now felt like prey spread before him like this, like at any moment he was going to pounce on you.

“Mmm.”

Lewis came closer and closer until he rested on his elbows and was just inches from your sex. The anticipation was killing, and he had to know it.

“I knew you were a lacy knickers kind of woman,” he muttered.

“I take it you’re a lacy knickers kind of man.”

“On you, fuck yes.”

With that, Lewis hooked his thumbs in your underwear and pulled them to the side. He blew out a breath in reaction to seeing you bare for the first time and that breath fucked you up all over again. You threw your head back trying to calm your anxieties, but just when you met his eyes again you found his tongue out sliding against your wet folds.

Oh—my—goooood!”

Lewis moaned and did it again and again until he circled your clit with the tip of his tongue. “Mmmm.”

Lewis pressed your thighs back keeping them spread then went to town. If you’d ever doubted before that his mouth game was incredible you didn’t now. He licked, flicked, and sucked along your flesh making your back remain in a prolonged arch. Within seconds you were whining and writhing as his tongue worked literal fucking magic. The sound of Lewis’ slurping echoed in the living room and that was when your hands grabbed his head. Pulling his hair free you held on and bucked against his mouth.

“Mmm.”

He stuck his tongue out and let you take over. With every buck against his tongue, you called his name and the more the tip of his tongue flicked your clit the more out of control you felt. Your release was so close your body moved more wildly needing it at all costs.

“I’m gonna cum Lewis.”

“Cum for me, Y/N!”

You didn’t need to be told more than once and when you were right on the precipice you felt Lewis slid two digits inside of you. Just like that, your orgasm morphed from a toe-curling release to soul snatching one. You screeched as your body convulsed but he didn’t stop then, he pumped his fingers in and out of you then added a third finger stretching you wide.

“Uuuugh fuck!”

You barely finished your words before Lewis threw you over his shoulder, keeping his fingers inside of you. As he walked through the suite his fingers kept fucking you, readying you for him. When your back met the soft sheets of the mattress, Lewis still hadn’t broken contact. He watched you now as you lay there unable to control your body.

“You’re so beautiful.”

Pulling his fingers free he cleaned two of them off before you sprang to your knees to claim the third. As you sucked his finger you kept your eyes on his. You could see how badly he wanted you, how much he wanted from you, and you couldn’t believe he’d held back all this time. You took your time sliding each button through its slot until his shit was wide open. When you pushed it off of him you took in a sight you’d seen plenty of times only now it was different.

You brought your hands to feel across his torso marveling at each defined ab muscle and each tattoo. When you intentionally rubbed against his beaded nipple you noted the way his Adam’s apple bobbed. How had you never noticed your effect on him? How had you never taken it seriously? Bringing your hands back to his waist you undid his pants. You brushed your palm against the protruding mass straining against his pants which made him shiver as he grunted.

“Oops.”

Lewis scoffed then licked his lips and that was all it took for him to claim back some of the control you possessed over this exchange.

“Of course, you’re a fucking tease.”

You innocently smiled. “I haven’t even begun to tease you.”

“I bet.”

Lewis snuck forward kissing you one peck at a time, over and over.

“Mm, can you take it?”

“Any other night my answer would be yes, hell in an hour my answer will be yes but right now--.”

He cupped your sex with on hand and the back of your neck with the other.

“Mmm.”

“Right now, I have no control left. I’ve remained in control around you for 10 years and right now I just want to let it all go. I want to bury myself so deep inside of you there is no mistake that we belong to each other bad timing or not. It’s you and me, Y/N.”

You groaned as his words only increased the wetness between your legs. You kissed him again, then you turned your back to him and swayed your body against him. Lewis dropped a kiss to your shoulder as his hand crept around to cup the underside of your breast. You leaned forward getting on all fours with your ass poking out to him.

“Undo me?”

He didn’t move for a few moments, and you waited for him to enjoy the view. When you felt his hand rub against your ass you dipped your back lower which only made your ass poke out more. Lewis trailed his hand along your spine that the backless gown proudly showed off. Then he went to your tailbone and lowered the zipper of the dress. Peeping over your shoulder, your eyes locked as you allowed the dress to fall away from your body.

His groan was low—primal. It was all you needed to hear to know he liked the strappy number you wore that was made of fine lace. You expected him to take his time but instead, you felt him peel off the garment leaving you completely naked before him for the first time ever.

“You’re so wet for me, Y/N. So wet and so fucking perfect.”

You spread your legs further then stretched your arms over your head using your head to hold you up. As expected, Lewis flipped you onto your back making you giggle. You roamed your hands over your body, cupping your breasts then sliding them down your abdomen to your dripping core. The entire time, Lewis kept his eyes on every move you made while he pulled his pants and underwear off.

When he stood bare before you, your surprise could not be masked. You didn’t know what you’d expected in your late-night thoughts about what he was packing but you had no way of expecting this. Lewis gripped his length then slowly stroked it as he pressed a knee onto the mattress.

“Scared?”

You bit your bottom lip as you gawked at what the good lord blessed him with. It was unfair and completely intimidating.

“Now I see why everyone in the rotation was so happy being one of many.”

He snorted, bringing his other knee to the mattress between. Slowly he stalked closer like a predator with a deadly weapon in hand.

“There is no rotation anymore.”

“Oh yeah. The LH44 Harem has been disbanded?”

As he crept closer, you slid backward.

“You’re not funny.”

“So am I the first to usher in a new era—a new harem?”

Lewis grabbed your ankle then pulled you back to him making the backs of your thighs slam into the fronts of his. He then hovered over you before dropping an opened mouth kiss on your nipple. Sucking the peak into his mouth he sucked raising your back off of the bed.

“You’re in no harem. I told you, it’s you—and me,” he said nibbling your flesh.

Stared at him letting it all sink in. You brought your hand to his bearded cheek and rested it there.

“Are we really doing this? Like—for real?”

Lewis boxed your face in with his muscular arms and stared into your eyes. “I’ve told you where I stand, Y/N. I’ve told you everything that’s in here.”

He took your hand and placed it over the roaring lion etched on his skin keeping his hand over yours.

“It’s time you tell me what’s in here,” he finished placing his other hand over your left breast.

“You,” you whispered.

“I love you, Y/N.”

Before you could react or even respond Lewis thrust forward sending the tip of his hardness inside of you, stealing your breath, and every thought. A breathy gasp filled the air. Slowly he pushed forward, leisurely filling you giving you time to adjust to his size.

“Haaaa.”

Lewis kept his hand over your heart while holding yours over his as he filled you inch by tortuous inch never taking his eyes off yours. Your entire being was on fire like he was pouring molten lava inside of you with every inch he gave you.  

“Oh fu—Lewis,” you panted.

From the way his jaw was clenched, and eyes focused intently on you, you could tell he was feeling everything you were.

“How are you so tight?”

Digging your nails into his chest you tightened your leg around his waist and as if that was his last straw, Lewis flicked his hips forward filling you completely and tearing a scream from both of your lips. Neither of you moved for several moments but with every second that passed by your body blazed. Bucking against him, you slid your hand up to his throat and then gripped it.

“I love you. Fuck me. Now!”

Those words would be your ruin because he did just that without mercy and complete recklessness. Your moans and whimpers melded together rising in decibel and power until the entire room shook with the power of your screams for one another. As he plowed inside of you he didn’t go slow, he followed his basal instincts that were imprinted in his DNA, a need to claim, and dominate.

You’d never felt so out of control in your life. No matter how he fucked you, you couldn’t get enough. No matter how deep he went you wanted him deeper. No matter how he called your name you wanted him to scream it. You wanted every fucking thing he had. You wanted to leave him in shambles. When he flipped you onto your stomach like you weighed nothing, he held your ass in the air and fucked you so thoroughly you’d lost track of how many times you came. It didn’t matter because you wanted more.

He must have been able to read your mind because there was no way he could tell what you needed this soon, you thought to yourself as he grabbed your wrists and pulled you back, so he had your upper body hovering above the mattress.

“Oh my god, I’m cumming Lewis! Ooh shiiiiiit!”

He took advantage of this new angle and circled his hips as he jackhammered into you, fucking you as you did something you’d never done before—squirted. You screamed from the force of your release, but Lewis didn’t stop, he fucked you through it then torpedoed you into another one that you knew would tear you apart. Racing for it, you slammed yourself back into him relishing the mix of pain and pleasure that only intensified when Lewis bit down on your shoulder.

“You got one more for me, darlin? Cum for me. Soak this dick, pretty girl, drench me so I can fill that pretty pussy up.”

“Aaah!”

You clenched around him as you lost yourself and fell off the cliff and into an endless pit of pleasure. You felt Lewis spasm inside of you before he cursed and shouted his release doing just what he promised. Filling your pretty pussy up.

When the two of you finally collapsed on the bed Lewis held you to him spooning you while still being nestled inside of you. Bit by bit you came back to your body and slowly your body went from violent shakes to subtle tremors and a hazy feeling washed over you. Lewis peppered kisses along your neck and shoulder nipping your skin every now and then.

“Mmm. Oh my god!”

He snorted. “You good?”

“Good? Am I good? Are you—at the risk of swelling your head even more than it already is that was--.”

“Was?”

You searched for the words but couldn’t find the right ones. “It was,” you settled on making him laugh as he held you tighter.

“Naw, I was alright, you—you were,” he said making you snort.

“Shut up.”

“No, I’m being for real for real. It’s a miracle I held on that long, you feel unbelievable, so good, too good. You—are!”

You giggled then moaned, sleepiness creeping up on you.

“Don’t you dare fall asleep, I’m nowhere near done with you.”

His manhood inside of you lurched nudging your g-spot and just like that your eyes snapped wide open.

“Watch yourself, I know your weakness now.”

“You?”

“Nope, this pussy.”

Lewis snorted then flipped you onto your stomach again. This time he straddled you as he slowly pulled out of you only to plunge right back in.

“Mmm.”

“Still so damn tight,” Lewis groaned.

“You’re welcome to try stretching me out.”

Lewis jerked his hips forward delivering a bruising thrust as punishment for your your sassy mouth. It was a thrust that took your breath and made you go cross-eyed.

“Mmm, yes!”

“Oh, aren’t you full of surprises. Pretty girl likes it rough and hard.”

He did it again and again, making you hit the bed each time as you buried your face in the sheet to muffle your screams.

“God yes, Lewis!”

“So fucking alike,” Lewis said before lowering his lips to your ear. “Remember I love you 'cause I’m about to fuck you like I don’t.”

Not waiting for a reply he held your arms to the bed then delivered on his promise. Everyone else was number 2 compared to you being each other’s number 1. Nothing else mattered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TagList:

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#lewis hamilton #lewis hamilton fanfiction #lewis hamilton fanfic #lewis hamilton x reader #everyone else is no.2 one shot #black fanfiction

[kelogsloops]

putting this in the tumblr ask box bc idk where else to put it 🕺 does anyone even read these still

anyways i just woke up but i had a dream and you were a big part of it- i don’t want to say it was a nightmare or like a bad dream but like basically in the dream you announced that you would be quitting art and like retiring ig? it was for a few reasons but in that moment idk i just realized just how much you have had an influence on my life- you know that saying “you don’t know what you have until you lose it”? yeah…

honestly at first when i woke up i was so ready to call it a nightmare, like “oh my god?? you?? leaving?? forever?? noooo!” but as i’m sitting here awake now i realize eventually it’s probably gonna happen- maybe not in the way it was in my dream with you making a whole like announcement video and wiping your accs, but maybe quieter. i wonder if it’ll be that you stop making art, but i find that hard to imagine. i think it would happen slowly, less and less posts as the years go on. in my head even if you stop posting it, i’d think you’re still creating, making art for simply the sake of such. but then i think about how silly that thought is though, i don’t know you outside of your social media bubble. i don’t know your life and what happens there so to even assume something so quiet is pretentious of me. 

like i said, at first i thought it was a nightmare, i can’t bear the thought of you leaving one day- especially for the reasons you gave in my dream it was like “i gave up, arts getting too much for me, and things are so competitive now no one wants my art anymore…” blah blah blah. it was all my own stress as an artist manifesting onto you i think- but anyways i hope that should the day ever come where you do end up leaving your socials and whatnot, i can only hope that it’s out of your own accord and you do so because you want to, not out of pressure or anything like that. like i’m not saying i want you to quit or anything, but what i’m saying is if it happens i just hope it’s something that you chose on your own. i just don’t think i could ever stand that happening though without letting you know how much of an impact you’ve had on my life. 

i found your art when at a very developmental part of my life, so your work wether consciously or not i think has just become like a part of my brain wether conscious or not haha. whenever i go to draw even if i don’t explicitly go to look to your work for inspiration, it’s still there i can see it. it’s like just unconsciously ingrained at this point. but more than that though the whole idea of like “brb chasing dreams” and whatever and the whole idea that i feel you impart every time you share pieces of your journey as an artist to just keep going, i kind of stole that mantra for myself and started to tell myself that as well. even at my lowests, i’m still trying to follow that dream, even lost and i don’t know what direction i’m going in there’ll always be that dream as an anchor almost.

thank you for all that you’ve shared and thank you for being the biggest inspiration in my life. i know that’s quite dramatic to say, but i mean it in full honesty. whatever the future holds for you, i hope it’s kind. i hope you live a long life chasing all your dreams where at the end of the day, you’re happy. thank you. 

waking up to find a message like this in my inbox has me feeling t e a r y. it's reading stories like these and hearing how my work has impacted people that makes this all feel so surreal sometimes. the fact that people would even care if i stopped making art one day or just disappeared is crazy... i'm very fortunate!

i've resigned myself to the fact that sure, one day (but hopefully never) i won't be able to pursue a professional career as an artist anymore, but if there's one thing that i can promise, it's that there is no reality in where i stop making art!

i don't know if i show it enough, but to each and every one of you who have been part of my journey so far, thank you from the bottom of my heart. it's messages like these that pinch me and remind me how it's all so worth it

forever #brbchasingdreams

#ask me #ask me anything #ask

[lovelykhaleesiii]

I have been going back and forth in posting this, but want to have a clean slate and a clear mind going forward.

this fandom if I am being honest (and from experience in many others) has been the most roller coaster ride. it has been wonderful and blossoming, yet also, toxic and disheartening…

my current state right now, I feel as though I have been shunned from the community from all corners. stranded alone, with only a few friends (I could count them on one hand) to talk to and to trust.

I have been incredibly disappointed in this fandom by people I had considered friends, people that I believed to be sincere and kind, but over time showed a very different and ugly side.

I am not going to sugar coat this topic anymore… and be warned, I will call you out if need be, from this point on. I always had hopes that as a community mostly dominated by adults, we would act more like it, but it seems not. then accountability is necessary, because this school yard behaviour is not it.

I work most of the time, I barely even have time for a social life on top of personal things… tumblr is not my priority. but when I log in on here, I do wish and intend for this to be a space where I can relax and enjoy myself, to be creative and write and share my ideas and stories. to interact with people, to bond over characters and stories that I don’t ever get the chance to in real life, because I barely meet people with similar interests.

this is meant to be my safe haven.

recently it has been quite the opposite…

I have been gaslit, bullied & ghosted/neglected. as someone who genuinely struggles to put herself out there, I have made attempts that I am thankful for yet hurt by the experiences. putting myself in discord chats only to leave in the matter of a few days…

I have said this before and I will say it again. If I ever say anything to you directly or indirectly, and it doesn’t sit right with you. I am open to talk privately about it. I am not perfect, in fact far from it. I have flaws as do we all. I can make mistakes, I am human. if the matter can be resolved, amazing, if not: I don’t expect to get along with EVERYONE on this hellsite. the block and unfollow options are there for a reason!!!

regardless, I understand everyone has their own personal lives and issues… believe me, I DO! I am a huge advocate for life > tumblr. you need a break, take the break. you want to go on hiatus, go on hiatus. you do not owe anyone in this fandom shit, as I have reminded myself as of late. In saying that, showing people common courtesy and decency is not by any means a stretch, it should be the bare minimum.

showing support to your fanfic authors/gif makers and creators is valid and ideal.

I have taken multiple breaks because the stress and exhaustion from my work and personal life has been a lot, that I am able to remove myself from a situation, to not allow anyone else to suffer my ordeal. your actions have repercussions, and you will be held accountable.

to wrap it all up, I will continue to write my little, silly stories, I will continue to read fics. However, I have of recent been so turned off by some of the people in this community, that if I’m being honest (which I also strongly advocate for, and believe I owe whoever read this that), I have no energy to interact with people that have crossed me and made me feel less of the person I am at this point in time. my friends who I respect and admire dearly, know who they are, I don’t need to tell them twice.

when I feel comfortable with this fandom, my interactions may change, but for now. I very much enjoy my small number of friends.

thank you to those who read this entire mouthful, I genuinely appreciate the small things and taking the time out of YOUR day to read and listen to little old me, says a lot.

please take care of yourselves, and I hope that we can create a better more wholesome fandom space.

love always, Hel 🤍

#rant #personal #thank you to anyone who reads this entire thing #I hope you have a wonderful fucking day

[writing-for-life]

Thank you for an amazing 2023!

About metas, fics and sparkly things…

This won’t be short, but you wouldn’t expect that from me, would you? 🤣

I’ve been on Tumblr for just a bit over a year because I needed to get off my family’s back after my three decades long Sandman brain-rot got worse again due to the Netflix series. I hovered around a handful of followers for months until things exploded (I still don’t know why tbh, I think it was one particular meta that kicked things off a bit), and I somehow ended up with hundreds of followers, which might not be much to some, but it’s a lot for me.

So to all of you I’d like to say: Thank you for being here. I don’t always manage to stay on top of things because my notifs are a mess and I lose track, plus I have a rather busy life and can often only write in batches and then queue, but each of you is appreciated, even if I accidentally forget to get back to you or if we aren’t mutuals.

I’ve made such lovely connections over the last year—my interest in The Sandman definitely does not align with the main focus that shan’t be named, and I’m glad that you folks are out there. You probably know who you are.

Now to the obligatory “your posts wrapped” thing—and I’m only doing it because I need to make a point (of course I do 🤣).

News and art

My by far most successful posts have been casting/shooting news and pretty pictures (two examples are linked). And I’m grateful for all the reblogs and likes of those, but apart from curating them, they’re not really me. They’re someone else’s work.

Meta analysis

Then you have my metas, which make up the bulk of the other posts that are doing quite well (you can find all of them in my pinned post).

Even if it wasn’t my most “successful” one (what does that even mean?), this one meant the most to me:

I love writing metas, whether they cover literary concepts, psychology, music or art because I’m a permanently brain-frazzled multi-hyphenate who has to talk about everything that won’t leave her alone.

I also love when you’re sending me asks btw. For the latter, I hope they pick up again in 2024 because they really nosedived since I switched off anonymous asks (which I won’t change, soz) after some people just thought it’s good sport to be an arse about my not being here to pray at the altar of the ship. I guess we have briefly covered the ugly side of Tumblr, too, then.

Writing

But what I'm most proud of when I think of all the things I've done in 2023 is my fiction and poetry. And that's both a happy and slightly sad thing to address.

My 31 Haikus for Sandtober started as a bit of fun, but they’ve developed a life of their own, and people seemingly liked them. The post also contains a bit of my fan-art:

I still intend to turn them into a hardcover at some point, but I won’t be able to create all the artwork myself, so if you’re a fan-artist and want to know what I’m thinking of, please get in touch (I’ll still talk about this in more detail at some point though).

The other thing I’m incredibly proud of is “The Light of Stars”.

I started it as a NaNoWriMo project in 2022 (I always use NaNo to do something that is less stressful than my professional writing projects), wrote it in a bit more than a month—and then did nothing with near 80,000 words until June 2023.

And then I thought “Fuck it,” and published it on Ao3. It’s a canon x OC fic, and this is where it gets a bit sad. Because for most of us writers, these are never the posts that get most engagement (the ratio is really something like 100 : 1 — 500 for a shitpost, 5 for an average writing post).

On Ao3, it gradually picked up because I published chapter after chapter, and I think I can say that it’s done fairly well over there in terms of engagement for an OC fic, and above all how people engage with it. Because it’s a bit deeper despite being romance, it deals with heavy topics like grief, and I’m so glad to have touched a few people’s hearts with it, and that it was meaningful to them. So much so that you all convinced me to write a sequel.

But here’s the thing: The general engagement with writing, especially non-explicit, non-ship, non-readerY/N on Tumblr is very, very low.

Writers who write canon x OC are still struggling to be heard through the noise (it’s not just me, I’ve had many conversations about this, so I’ll just say: I’ll speak for many of us). There are basically hardly any events for us to participate in (most of us only ever do so if we shift to canon one-shots, poetry or metas. If we don’t: Again, no one cares), and fandom often actively chooses to ignore us because “all OCs are self-inserts, ew.” Which is patently not true, and I could go on a long rant now why many canon x canon fics are very obvious self-inserts, which I won’t.

But even if all OCs were self-inserts, even if all characters were—so what? All writing is to a degree based on self-insertion because it comes from our brains—it’s not a bad thing. But apparently, it becomes a bad thing if the character is an OC, heaven knows why.

So if I had one wish (I’m allowed one, right?) for 2024, it would be that people engage more with OC fics and include them more in community events. That fandom, which prides itself in community, includes writers who don’t write for (the main) ship/s a bit more, especially if they don’t write smut (which I personally even do professionally, but I don’t want to have to do it in fanfic just to get engagement). I’m not holding my breath because I know that’s not where fandom’s oft single-minded focus lies, but a girl can dream, right?

And with that, I want to get to my proudest accomplishments of them all:

Being the curator queen of the sparkle realms:

Being one (arguably the main) instigator of the maddest crack ship that has ever graced (?) the face of the earth, spawned the most unhinged discussion (much truth in it though 🤣) and even NSFW fanart. I promise I’ll write that fic about Murphy and his Cool Hat:

Have a lovely 2024!

#2023 wrapped #the sandman #sandman #sandman meta #sandman fanfiction #sandman fanart #sparkle content #sparklecontent #murphy and his cool hat

[musashi]

feel free to ignore if unwarranted or unhelpful seriously : i deeply relate to going from having extremely close friends you tell everything to to have basically no one you can open up to despite trying to make connections. i have a therapist who has never once advised me to make friends and has instead helped me untangle my feelings in a way that makes the load a little less to bear. i am poor poor so free clinic as well. you are not me but this has made daily life bearable

i really wish people who are sad sometimes online had any agency in their own life to say "i do not think i need therapy" and be taken seriously, but i feel like every time i say it and say it firmly here, a bunch of anons like this (and sometimes trusted friends as well) just start shaking their heads and clicking their teeth and looking away from me like oh poor thing... they're so far gone they can't even accept they need help

like maybe i'm not being clear so i'll say it again: i do not need therapy. early 20s wendy with severe personality disorders that were wreaking fucking havoc on their underdeveloped frontal lobe needed therapy. 15 year old PTSD-laden cannot log onto a single social media site without being sent harassment and shock photos wendy needed therapy. violently suicidal 10 shots of vodka a night wendy needed therapy. current wendy does not need therapy.

this does not mean that a person needs to reach a certain threshold of pain or stress to need a therapist. that is not what i am trying to say. but the ideal endgoal for a therapist is for them to some day never see their clients again. the point of a therapist is to help you gain control of your own life, and develop the proper neural pathways and coping mechanisms to do so. i do not need help with this: i have perfected it like any other art. i am amazing at doing that on my own, so much so that i have legitimately had actual licensed professionals in shock that those are skills i developed just fucking around in my early 20s trying not to die.

according to my ex, a psychology major, i perfected CBT without any coaching or instruction. i literally did it intuitively. she said to me, you realize people pay thousands of dollars to be coached on that?

when i am in crisis, it is very easy (practice) for me to find my emotional center, calm down, and get to work problem solving. whether that problem be something tangible (something went wrong at work, home, etc) or more abstract (i think my loved one hates me because i have BPD) i can easily get into 'lets fix it!' mode and follow through. people who follow me on tumblr do not see 99.9% of the issues i am having because they crop up, i feel the feelings, and then i send them on their way.

but sometimes you cannot do that on your own. human beings were literally, scientifically, logistically NOT MEANT TO SURVIVE IN ISOLATION. it is NOT POSSIBLE for a person to live a healthy, happy life without social bonds. i don't understand why i have to explain this to people. sometimes i feel like i am from mars. we are meant to be with each other! we are meant to support one another and share our woes! that is the CRUX of humanity!

so, for 99.9% of my problems, of my agonies, i not only succeed but i excel at turning them into meaningless blips on the radar of my life. there is a remaining .1%, though, where the solution is simply that i want to go to a friend, cry for a little bit, receive a hug and/or some validation, and then move on with my life like it never happened.

THAT? THAT APPARENTLY WARRANTS ME NEEDING THERAPY? THAT LITTLE, TINY, MEANINGLESS .1% THAT SOMETIMES FUCKS ME?

i'm just so sick of this. i am not a person who would have ANYTHING to talk about at therapy. stressors in my life are minimal. hobbies, creative projects, work, home life, all of these things have been lovely and heart-dappled and pink since i was reborn seven years ago. and every miserable lapse i do have is short-lived and met with courage and the knowledge that i can survive it, that i can survive anything.

but occasionally, i am sad that i do not have friends who i can realtalk with. friends who will bring their woes to me. friends who i can in turn bring my own woes to. occasionally, i am sad because i WATCHED the decline of deep social bonding. i watched terms like emotional labour and traumadumping go mainstream. i watched my friend circle become less and less comfortable with heavy topics. mere YEARS ago i could sit in a discord call with friends and talk extensively about all the highs and lows of my life and listen to them do the same. if i try that tomorrow, i will get the worst awkward silences i have ever heard in my life. heavy, palpable, heart-shattering awkward silences that scream oh, you weren't supposed to say that. you're only liked when you're perfectly happy, we don't want to hear about when you're sad.

this happened in my lifetime. i am grieving. and if i go to a therapist, all i am going to do is say, every week, "i can't think of anything much to discuss." and then maybe every 6th or 7th week i'll say "the continuing insistence that humans are not meant to help and love one another is making me feel emotionally isolated and terrified that i will never meet someone who wants that from me again."

and my therapist will say "yeah, that makes sense. i've seen a good deal of that too, it's really concerning."

and then we will nod. and i will leave.

it's cool that the 'go to therapy' people didn't make you want to scream and cry and yell "YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT" but you're right, you are not me. my life was already bearable, sometimes i just get sad about ONE THING. the one thing is that i don't have friends i can be 100% myself around, no matter how i try. no matter what i do.

we are not the same. you went to your friends, said, "hey, i just feel like you only like me when i'm palatable. i really wish i could rely on you from time to time for a listening ear. is there a reason i can't?"

your friends said "that's emotional labour and traumadumping. you need to tell that to a therapist, not me."

you said, "oh. okay."

i went to my friends, said, "hey, i just feel like you only like me when i'm palatable. i really wish i could rely on you from time to time for a listening ear. is there a reason i can't?"

my friends said "that's emotional labour and traumadumping. you need to tell that to a therapist, not me."

and i said "you are a really shitty fucking friend."

happy that's working out for you, dude. you didn't need to send this ask, and i'd prefer you never send another one again.

#wendy answers #Anonymous #wendy rants #i am so sick of this fucking shit #you are a part of the problem btw.

[intheticklecloset]

☕ coffee shop update ☕

This post will talk about supporting me financially, which is absolutely NOT REQUIRED to continue enjoying my content. So if it's something you have no interest in or cannot do, I completely understand, and you're welcome to skip the details. But if you want to know more, it's below the cut.

Thank you for your continued patience and support. 💖

~~~

For those who have been keeping up with my life updates, you know that I'm currently seeking a major career change due to some unfortunate workplace circumstances. I'm still on the lookout for a new position, but the search has not been going as smoothly as I'd hoped, and until I can find something secure, I need to stay where I'm at for the moment, which is taking its toll on my mental health.

As I've considered other options, doing paid commissions again came up as an idea, but I don't want to (at least right now) for a couple of reasons that I won't bore you with. The point is that, after some consideration, I've come up with something that I like better and I think may work better for everyone.

I've added the option for monthly donations on Ko-Fi, starting at $5/mo. That's $60/year, for those who don't want to math (I got you). One-time donations are still an option as well.

Think of this working like Patreon, only on Ko-Fi, because that's what we're used to, and it's a lot more practical for what I'm going for here. I'm still going to create content right here on Tumblr (what exactly that looks like idk yet; I may have to just stick with coffee shots for a while), and I'm still going to share with EVERYONE and include everyone, both financially supportive and morally supportive. Any time I want input on something, I'll ask everyone here. But if you WANT to and/or are able to, donations are open and very much appreciated.

The benefit goes both ways. For me, less stress about money makes it easier for me to find another position without having to worry about the layover time or whether I'm making exactly what I used to before (based on what I've seen so far, I won't be), and less stress about work means more creative energy, which means I can focus more time on creating content, which is what I really want to do. I've had so much fun the last couple of weekends filling coffee shot orders, and it would be so cool to be able to do that more frequently in the future.

The benefit for you is, hopefully, more content. More fics, drabbles, etc., that I will retain creative freedom over. Rather than paid commissions, where I write what others want me to, I will continue to write what I want to and share it with you more often as time goes on. When my heart is really behind a piece of writing, I feel like it shows, and I want everything I share here to be of heart-was-in-it quality. (This isn't to say I'll NEVER do commissions again; I may be open to doing them again, just under different parameters. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.)

Plus, the less I have to worry about finances, the more time I can devote not only to writing, but to discovering new things to write ABOUT, which will lead to new fandoms and shippings and whatnot that we can get excited about together.

Once again, financial support is NOT REQUIRED to continue to enjoy the content I create and share here. I'll do it regardless. The pacing may be slow and the road a bit rocky, but I'll do it. I love creating fun stories for you; it's always been my biggest passion to write, and helping me out a bit while I figure out life circumstances would be extremely helpful for me to get the ball rolling a little faster. But of course I understand not everyone can or may even want to do Ko-Fi support, and I got you. I won't be upset about it.

Worst case scenario, I'll keep doing what I've been doing and post when I can, when I have the time and mental energy to do so. I'll find a new position one way or another, and life will continue on. I fully understand that nothing may come of this. I just figured it couldn't hurt to try. It's not like it can make life circumstances worse.

Thank you all for your patience, understanding, and support as I navigate this new season of my life. I never thought a career change would be necessary, but alas, crap happens. Whether you support me through Ko-Fi or just cheering me on right here on Tumblr, I appreciate you very much. All of you good beans are the reason I decided to give this platform a second chance. Here's to making the most of it. 💖

#blog update #life update #coffee shop #financial support #thank you

[ftmtftm]

It does kinda seem that you put a whole possible group of people on blast for one kid's dumbass "joke". This is going to have repercussions that are a bit too harsh for the crime of being young and unfunny, as people are already making posts talking about sending them rape threats, suicide baiting them, and doxing them. Calling attention to this on your big blog probably wasn't the best move, even if you felt the need to distance yourself in a "its not me, its them officer" type move. This doesn't need anymore attention. It should've been handled privately with the user who originally made the joke, but I guess that's tumblr for you. Everything needs to be a circus.

I hope you're deleting any replies that are listing urls in your notes bc if you let that happen on your post, on your blog, and it goes too far, you'll have some perverbial blood on your hands too.

Hey, so first and foremost to address the very end of your ask: I have not seen anyone listing URLs in my replies or reblogs and if anyone has been doing that I would appreciate it being brought to my attention so I can delete it! I've scrubbed through the notes and my activity and cannot find anything, so if something has slipped through the cracks please tell me!

Secondly, and also related to the end of your ask, I really don't appreciate the guilt trippy nature of this ask at all! If you want to have a discussion about platforms and the way people use them, by all means we can have that conversation, but I'd prefer if it was had without the typical Tumblr accusatory guilt trip tonality. I'm addressing this upfront because addressing someone in the way you've addressed me really isn't how a productive conversation is had, but I wanna take the opportunity to try to have one. Let's just talk without trying to make each other feel bad to try to prove a point, okay?

I do agree that I should have put more thought into my post and also I should not have made it while I was on my lunch break at work. I had less control over the response to it than I would've liked and also left people in my DMs waiting on a reply in a way I'm sure was stressful. I'm not used to my posts gaining that much attention that quickly and that is on me for not having thought about that possibly.

I do think that I made it abundantly clear that I don't support the harassment of anyone, ever and that harassment and targeting individuals wasn't the goal of the post once I was able to. I do apologize that it wasn't something I was necessarily thinking about it the moment and that my comments were not soon enough to beat some of Tumblr's worst to the punch.

This is where I'm sure some people will disagree with me, but do I pretty firmly believe in openly, publicly talking about the failures of and issues within my own communities. I don't think there is anything to be gained from trying to shy away from it or trying to be quiet about it, especially when shying away or burying it just tends to lead to entire community collapse in the long run in my experience. That is why I made a post publicly about it in the first place.

I'm going to go more in depth into my reasoning for making a public post here, but if that doesn't interest you that's okay! The previous paragraph sums up my feelings pretty concisely, this next section is just expanding on it.

This is a new~ish blog, but I've been active on and off in Tumblr discourse spaces since I was about 16 so I'm looking at this informed by about a decade of experiences. The thing I've seen that happens most often is once people who aren't used to a giant influx of attention get that attention, especially if it is negative, things tend to get extremely sour extremely quickly. Usually this results in taunting, feeling like you need to get the last word in with a quippy remark, slippery slope-ing, and a lot of assumptions and poor taste comments that come from very real upset and distress. Those responses then get used as more fuel for the fire and it just continues and continues and continues really until someone deletes or abandons their blog. That's absolutely not to discredit the very real distress that is happening, but instead to call attention to this cycle that happens all the time.

I personally partially attribute the nature of this cycle to the fact that no one on the internet (especially on Tumblr) really knows how to healthily disengage because the internet is a culture all about engagement (especially negative engagement), but that's a topic for another post. The reason why I bring up the cycle is because in all of that individuals tend to get mean, defensive, and deflective and say things they might not actually mean or reflect extremely poorly out of context.

That's what has been happening with multiple people I follow the last few days, not just with one or two individuals. When a culture like that begins to take shape I think it's important to openly address the ways in which it is manifesting, especially when it includes a public joke about the oppression of another marginalized group. Like I said earlier, I do think I should have gone about it better in the ways I've already described but what's done is done in that regard. I also would like to address the fact that I explicitly, intentionally did not name individuals because there was already a harassment campaign happening and I did not want to directly contribute to that. Again, I see the failures within that especially given my own personal timing, I just want to give context for anyone reading this ask.

Again, you're more than allowed to disagree with my feelings or my responses/lack of response due to other constraints and you can extrapolate as much ill will and negativity from it all as you'd like. I can't control the thoughts and actions of other people. I do, however, know myself and I know how I feel and while I do believe I should have been more thoughful about my timing and wording I don't have any issue with openly addressing actions I disagree with in communities I'm in. Especially ones like that. That's not really going to change because of an anon slippery slope-ing about proverbial blood on my hands in my askbox.

I also want to add on the end here that I don't particularly like the accusation that I'm a "big blog" when before I made that post I had under 200 followers. Sure, I'm vocal, I've got a decently put together mobile layout, and I speak like I know what I'm talking about, but I'm that doesn't make me a "big blog" - I've just been on Tumblr for a decade and know my way around most of the time (though, as I think this shows, I'm also still human and have my own blind spots like everyone else).

#asks #anon

[dissociativediscourse]

Hello! This is a question regarding complex childhood trauma and how it could lead to CDDs-

So, background info, I’ve been questioning whether or not I’m a system for a while. Other people have also basically gone ‘🤨’ at me and have told me that my experiences seem rather similar to OSDD. I may quote someone as saying ‘yeah that’s some OSDD shit’. Includinggg one Dxed DID system. Which is. Hm!

It’s gotten to where the woman doing my intake appointment for my college counseling sessions has suspected me of it. (Though I wouldn’t call them… the MOST ah, experienced institution for it considering a lot of their knowledge is from one 1-week seminar that was done last year)

One thing that I tend to get hung up on is what exactly my trauma was to cause this, or at least a level of dissociation to resemble a CDD at all.

Now, I know that it’s not the best idea to go digging for trauma, but I’m a very curious person at heart, and it’s less digging up memories and more ‘which already known memory or events could have caused this?’

One of my leading hypotheses is: literally just having untreated generalized anxiety disorder through my WHOLE childhood. It’s genetic so it was there biting my ass the whole time.

This does beg the question; CAN such a thing cause a CDD or CDD-presenting symptoms?

I’ve heard that it’s chronic trauma, or repeat chronic stressors that lead to the development of CDDs. A sort of constant fight or flight mode.

What’s fucky about GAD is that it can give ya that shit for free! No outside stressors needed!

Note that, like disorders do, my GAD is far greater in severity now than it was in my childhood, but my example still stands…

TLDR: could someone develop a CDD from untreated childhood generalized anxiety disorder while having a pretty good life otherwise, because generalized anxiety can mayhaps ‘substitute’ for a stressful environment in childhood with its own, shall I say, ‘home-grown’ stress? Could just having a genetic anxiety disorder throughout childhood lead to such stress as to cause dissociation to cope with it?

Are there any studies on this? If not, anybody wanna do a study? I think people should do studies more, they can be fun to do. But not tumblr poll studies, like, actual research paper studies. With annotated bibliographies and statistical significance and all that fancy stuff.

(Additional thing: I really feel people underestimate how Fucked GAD can be as a disorder. It can fuck up your cardiovascular system! It can give you HEART PROBLEMS just because heehoo adrenaline glands go brr! No major panic attacks needed, even! Just chronic stress alone!)

I’m going to first link you to my most recent ask so that I don’t have to repeat the same things over and over. https://www.tumblr.com/dissociativediscourse/715062976412073984/hello-i-made-a-post-reaching-out-to-the-plural

And then, I’m going to restate something: I can’t diagnose you. I don’t diagnose people, and neither should anyone else on Tumblr or IRL (that isn’t a licensed professional). The words of others that say you have Vibes really don’t matter that much in the big picture because whether they have it or not or have been through a one week seminar or not, they aren’t professionals and have not been trained to spot it and diagnose it and treat it, and that’s kind of the deal with that.

Secondly, I want you to know that I’m not trying to invalidate you or say that you’re wrong or anything like that… But there are a few things I have to point out.

One of those is that a huge part of DID is disorganized attachment/lack of a trustworthy caregiver/inability to receive comfort from trauma/lack of a safe place. As well, your brain can’t traumatize itself to the point of developing a CDD. This is an immutable fact, no matter what disorder is involved. GAD alone cannot and will not ever be able to cause DID, nor will any other disorder. The question isn’t “was this traumatic”. It is “Did this disrupt this child’s brain development repeatedly in a way that would result in a CDD?”.

GAD is stressful, but it would need a few extra steps from the outside to cause a CDD to form.

Now, I don’t know whether or not those happened. And if you don’t, you shouldn’t go digging at this point. You should honestly take the advice that I linked to in the last ask. Get help, and start working on symptom management. Because it doesn’t matter whether or not you have a dissociative disorder as much as it matters that you’re okay. If you need help, you deserve it. And you deserve help that works for you. The whole point of a diagnosis is to allow you get the right help and be as safe and happy as possible.

I don’t know anything about your childhood besides what you’ve told me, so that’s about as far as my advice goes. But if you do one thing, please, *please* read the post I linked, because that’s the best starting point I can offer.

#dissociative identity disorder #asks #osddid #did advice #osdd #advice asks #dissociative identity disorder advice #did osdd

[praise-milkman]

quick typing brain hurty

:( i have had a lot of moments in life where i my family speculated if i had depression or anxiety clinically, but other diagnoses seemed off the table. My dad has ADHD and I was super shy as kid but also smart, but no adult ever seemed to consider maybe I had what HE had OR maybe ..... on the spectrum. i know screening tests only go so far, I am so far from being able to go somwhere to diagnose or anything.... and every description of masking from sources and other people sound JUST like me, and now I am confused how one is supposed to know if they are on the spectrum or have a level of autism if they masked their whole life?? I noticed i was answering screening questions with what I would LIKE to do or be, so I switched to my mindset of when i was younger and felt my stress honestly instead of internalizing it and seeing how it was not sociable.... and that kid needed lots of help. I'm better now but only cause I have to be and i GET SO TIRED of being "an adult". I feel like the same person i was when i was 12 just employed and stuff. i never gave myself the space to consider i was more than just a little anxious (never got properly diagnosed in that area, just a lot of sessions with school counselors..) so now i'm trying to do that and find information so i can stop punishing myself for habits and behaviors that might ...like not be my fault....

in my life, i have had an INTENSE fear of conflict and being wrong. just scrolling around tumblr a couple posts in the autism tag make me feel like i shouldn't even be there. one post said "functioning" labels are frowned upon, but I also looked at a users blog who was non-verbal and called themselves low-functioning, and had some posts where they were very frustrated with "high-functioning" people and how they talk about autism. i mean already i learned that the thought "i feel non-verbal sometimes" may be more like...selective mutism or something else regarding communication, so i am happy i am looking into it bc that's how i feel. but i noticed my fear of being incorrect crop up and i don't like drawing attention to myself but i am 24 and tired of just acting like i'm normal and that it hasn't been a roller coaster hell trying to be socially acceptable. i've tried self-helping my way through life with moderate results, i at least know it;s not for lack of trying and now i see the pattern in my thinking, depression, obsession over topics, and so many things, but guilt and a constant sense of imposter syndrome about EVERYTHING holds me back from being honest about my feelings sometimes and how much it sucks because i had friends sadder than me and less stability and friends with worse disability so by all acounts i am doing super well but even those friends would not want me to discard my own suffering in a game of unbalanced comparison.

i'm not super sure why i'm posting this but i have never really once allowed myself the space to be weird and wrong and just roll with the fact that we are all weird and wrong about stuff sometimes. i vow to never hold hate in my heart so i wonder why i can't just trust that/. why am i so hateful towards myself then. I want to just say out loud, I AM CONFUSED all the time pretty much now, I feel LESS HEALTHY now then when i was 19 but I am honestly SMARTER and MORE CAPABLE so that's why it's such a CONTRADICTION. I feel like i am doing alright but somehow OVERTHINKING more than ever. some of my anxieties and social confusions are getting more glaring as i get older to the point where i'm like... i thought i had this under control? I fixed this thing that was "wrong"? And then I read online...there is such a thing as COVERING UP versus "FIXING" and that BLEW MY MIND and has stuck an itch in my brain I cannot get rid of , it explains how i wasted my WHOLE childhood caring too much about things i didn't even have to care about. I was worried about everyhting all the time and felt weird, and processed things weird, and i Was smart but too anxious so i didn't pass that one GT test, my self esteem lived on rock bottom as a school kid and i thought that was NORMAL and i was just SELF AWARE ABOUT MY FLAWS.

So there's that. i need to just stick it out right? It's hard to accept yourself, when your concept of self-acceptance or self-love is skewed in the first place? Like apparently I'm not the best measure... of if I'm being nice to myself... because I'm not sure what nice to myself really is. I miss being 4 years old i think haha

#personal #autism #depresssion #eeesh im just tired of saying nothing about it #clearly it's not helping

[highdefinitions]

I was just wondering if you are going to continue the "and so it goes" series? I absolutely loved the first two chapters!

PSA: anyone that reads and so it goes should probably read this to just get the feel of what i've been feeling!!! sorry if it's long but i've wanted to talk about some things and just haven't really known how to go about it.

to actually answer your question, i will be posting chapter four on monday. i'll continue to post what i have on mondays until i don't have anything pre-written to post.

okay so i'm not angry at you per se but the more i see this question the more slightly annoyed i get. i'm not going at you, anon, but i am going to use your ask to talk about some things.

so far with and so it goes, i have chapters one through three posted. after that, i have up to chapter twelve completed and maybe a third of chapter 13 written. at this point, right now, i don't know if i will finish it. i feel too far removed in a way (i started this fic before i had ever even created a tumblr and was just going to write it for the hell of it). this fic has been up in the air for probably a little more than a year now and got shoved to the side by other projects (sparrowverse, the dead don't die, other writing i've posted) and now that i've tried to go back to it, it's hard. i write differently, the story is a little lost on me, i don't like it as much. it's difficult as a writer to just write when i don't particularly feel 100% involved in the project or entirely like it anymore. i posted it because i thought people would like it, but it seems that a large number of you do not. which might be another factor playing into this that makes me feel even less motivated.

as for the question of when are you going to update again, i've seen it many times. and i just don't know why. since i've announced and so it goes, i've been updating it weekly. i've posted a new chapter every monday since i've started actually posting it, and i cannot seem to understand the fact that people are already asking me when the next one is coming. pre-written or not, one chapter a week is pretty damn good to me. overloading and posting everything at once is silly to me and asking for even more questions like this while i try and cram to write the next chapter. you guys do have to remember that i have a life. i work two jobs, go to college full time, i have animals that need multiple hours of attention each week, as well as all the commuting i do to jobs and work and just general life activities. it's sometimes stressful and i don't like to create that added pressure on myself with writing. i do this to relax. and quite frankly, i do not owe anyone but myself anything pertaining to my writing.

with this being said, i appreciate everyone's excitement surrounding one of my fics. i love that you love what i'm writing, but i am an anxious person. i overthink and i put pressure on myself to be something i cannot physically be. i can't crank out writing like some people can, i'm too critical of myself. if i don't think it's good, it's not going anywhere. i am my own biggest critic and there's been times where i have deleted entire chapters just to rewrite them. i don't have that ability to sometimes just say, it is what it is when it comes to writing.

and it might sound like i'm saying i don't enjoy gvf anymore. of course, i do. i love their music and the boys and i'm so excited for their new album. it's just writing that doesn't particularly excite me anymore. and i might very well circle back to writing them again in the future. it happens. i go through cycles with what i enjoy writing and who i enjoy writing about. even right now i have other projects that i'm working on that i'm happy to write.

this might even lead to more questions, so if you actually read this, and do have other questions for me, don't hesitate to ask me. i want you guys to understand and make sure you don't feel like i'm abandoning ship. please ask if there's something you want to know

#percy’s asks #and so it goes

[alwida10]

Hi. I'm not sure what's going on right now, I just saw you had a mean anon lately and it seems you're going through hard times.

I will admit I've definitively made some assumptions about you and not always been the nicest when discussing some posts of yours with friends. But just because I found some things you said offensive doesn't mean I think you are a bad person. Words we say often take a life of their own in other poeple's head. Also anger and hurt makes us all agressive and without a filter. On both sides.

There is a lot of gossip in the Loki fandom, but behind the vitriol, some poeple care about you and are genuinely worried when things seem hard. Whether it's about you or other "antis" recieving hate anons (sadly the whole point of anons is that we'll never know for sure who sent them). We're also not stupid, a lot of poeple who are angry have been through hell in their life and healing will always be far more important than fandom wank.

I just wanted to say you deserve to feel safe and to have a space where you can express yourself, even if it won't make everyone happy. Poeple are free to block you, or ignore your posts if they end up in their recommended section. Nothing has ever been achieve with hate and petty games.

Sending you my best wishes.

A cowardly anon ^^

Thank you! This message made me cry, in a good way. 💚 thank you for your kindness!

And yes, you are right in many ways. We never know who the anons are, and I admit that in my mind I tend to conflate them, assuming most are from one single person, who just never knows when to stop.

When I first came to tumblr, I found the anon-function weird. I thought “we are on the internet. We are already anonymous!”, but I guess that’s not entirely true. While this sphere is (more or less) separated from our offline life, nobody is free from expectations of their mutuals, followers, and even critics. And since we all get trained to act according to the expectations people have, some things would never get said without the anon function. But being anonymous brings forth how we really are in that moment. And hurt, stress or rage has made me say bad things in the past, too. That said, at most times I DO mourn the split in the fandom, and I am aware that echo chambers make opinions grow more extreme. So, should you come across something I have written which is offensive, please let me know, so I can check if I’m a victim of my own rage once more, worded things badly, or applied faulty reasoning. You can always point me this post if you fear a harsh answer, so I will remember I, too, was gifted with kindness.

I am sure we all just wished the fandom wasn’t so torn apart and everyone could thrive in the community. I admit, the only other fandom I participated in was supernatural, so my expertise isn’t the best, but I would bet any day that the Loki fandom is full of people who take strength from his story for their own healing and growth. So, in a way it’s even more heartbreaking that there is so much fighting about him. Because interpretations of his motives and morality are never just that. They can always be perceived as an invalidation of another person’s suffering or healing or hopes. And while you might be able to cope with an attack of an fictional story, an attack of one’s trauma or hope is much more personal.

So, yeah. It’s always better to take a step back, remember this isn’t about oneself alone, and that beyond the screen other people are humans, too, and deserve the benefit of a doubt. 💚

Also, i kinda think it’s a shame there is so little communication between the “two sides”. The last debate opened a new perspective for me, and helped me to put some things back into context. Sometimes I wish for a friend on “the other side” to discuss things in a appreciative way, where no one tries to convince the other or feels the need to defend their view. Just a comparison of perspectives, to open up new points nobody considered yet. There could be a lot of cool meta buried there. But alas, I guess the topic is too close to the heart for most of us, and I don’t exclude myself there.

#anon asks #thank you Kind anon #also #I don’t think you are acting cowardly #this was a very good and nice way to talk without any prejudices getting in the way #and I appreciate your honesty! #also sorry I answer only now #I was so overwhelmed when I got your message I had to take my time until I could put my thoughts into words #thank you so much! #💚

[fiovske]

i dont know ur characters very well so finn: 6, 38, orion: 61 and tahsin: 17

🪶 finn ⚔️ :

6. how have they changed in the last year? how about the last five years?

oh this is tough to answer but I don't think they've changed much! they have a. very particular worldview of things. and I don't think that worldview had been challenged until they had to face a crisis v recently and that worldview is still intact! bc it's the only thing they know to be: a warden and a protector.

38. do they see themselves as an important part of their party?

ooooo I think finn is. very much a flight risk still. it's less "am I important to them" and more "are they important to me." bc to aer rn, something else someone else is always more important than the party than life itself. and they will bend the laws of heaven and hell to find her!

orion 🌠

61. is there an in-game moment of theirs you think about and just laugh?

aaaaaa I really enjoy making clown characters so there are many moments, like changing into a huge caterpillar in the middle of a festival square (thanks to a VERY hearty aid from The Academic) or playing rocks-papers-scissors with Schrodinger to determine if the two of them should pursue the sound of dragging feet in an underground cavern system (Orion wanted to but Schrodinger won!) as the rest of the party slept soundly.

but I think my fave has to be the time orion deadass charged at a lich's body (I say body bc the academic had severed the head and deadass ran downstairs with it it was HILARIOUS) so orion ran headfirst towards the lich and w a misty step assist, — what you as an observer would've seen was a duergar running full-speed and then disappearing for a split-second only to reappear five feet away from a lich and crashed-land into the lich's headless body and grapple that mf as the rest of the party beats the shit out of the headless lich. the lich is unable to shake orion off no matter how hard he tried and orion only clings on harder as the rest of the party has a stomp-fest on the lich's phalactery and the academic runs downstairs with the severed skull it was funny as fuck, team work makes the dream work!

tahsin 🌿

17. they’re crying—what did it take to make them cry?

oh NOO this is. something that will happen fr VERY SOON in the campaign probably next session bc tahsin took a major fortune fallout and got marked as an enemy by The Church (a pantheon of recognised legal gods who consider Tahsin an apostate bc she worships the Raven Queen and The Raven Queen is shunned from the Church's pantheon— I know, tumblr user seafleece's lore-builduing is EXQUISITE) and I think she's VERY CLOSE to a mind fallout too, she is very stressed and Station (the guy who marks her as an enemy) was able to somehow magically bring her to her knees and, with the culmination of everything of being so far from home and feeling alone and trusting The Raven Queen like a hapless child trusts the one parental figure they think will look out for them unequivocally only to feel extremely scared of the power that stands to oppose and harm the both of them... I think that shakes her massively. I think she's getting very close to that breaking point where the fear starts to set it and. it makes her cry.

these were banger asks I had so much fun answering them!!

#thank uuu for sending in the ask i always. enjoy talking abt my lil guys... #thank u for indulging meeee!! #so now you know about my characters djfjjf!! #character: tahsin #character: finn #character: orion #ttrpg asks

[chaotictommy]

(long ramble ahead!) regarding your most recent post about your feelings towards tkk/ck and the characters:

how you feel is completely valid and understandable and i share almost identical sentiments! objectively speaking, cobra kai is a good show and throughout the 5 seasons, i have really enjoyed seeing the numerous twists and turns and cliffhangers that the writers have put in. i have a lot of respect for the cast and everyone involved in the making of it, and i 100% understand how and why so many people love it. however, with each season that comes out, i find myself feeling more and more disheartened with the direction that things are going in.

ever since i first got into tkk and learned about what ck was, i felt iffy about the show. this could just be a me-problem since i'm extremely sentimental and the idea of remaking/spinning off something classic oftentimes saddens me because you can never outdo the originals! they're unmatched! however, i've always felt some negativity towards the show and a lot of the questionable writing & characterization choices from the big 3. my biggest gripes are definitely related to daniel since he's my favorite character, but after spending some time on tumblr, i've been able to read a lot of other people's very valid critiques about other characters and aspects of the show.

as the show has continued to develop and increase in the number of seasons & characters, and as it's continued to amass more success, i've found myself becoming all the more saddened and missing the original films (especially the one from 1984 with the cobra boys! 🥺). i personally think the show has strayed so far from its source material and a lot of the original messages/morals of the films have been forgotten about in favor of the drama and conflict between the characters. it feels to me like the show has become more and more gimmicky, cash-grabby, and disingenuous as time has gone on. it seems like the hype for the show has taken the focus off of the original movies and all of the heartwarming moments and lessons that they produce. i've even seen some people say that the show is better than the films, which...you're entitled to your own opinions of course, but what??? the show wouldn't even exist without the absolute magic that is the karate kid trilogy.

i've reached a point in my personal journey with this fandom/franchise where i honestly don't consider cobra kai as canon half the time. in fact, sometimes i pretend it doesn't even exist. the show makes me feel so sad and lost at times that i have to detach myself from it on all levels and strictly focus my attention on the movies. the movies feel like home to me (though this could just be because of the sheer number of times that i've rewatched them, they're familiar). the show does not feel like home to me. cobra kai is full of tension, drama, conflict, flaws, etc. and it truly does get a little overwhelming to watch. the original films have their negative areas, but they're much more black-and-white, less stressful to watch, and they're full of good old 80s vibes that cobra kai lacks (in my humble opinion). though this could just be my anxiety brain speaking.

i've also seen lots of toxicity in the fandom, people fighting over who's the better fighter, who's the better sensei, who's in the wrong in this situation or that, which dojo is better..."oh, you like sam? don't talk to me. you're a miguel fan? gross. you're toxic, dni." like...what? it's just become riddled with negativity and i can't be bothered to subject myself to it.

i respect the show and how much it's developed over the years, and i totally understand why it's become so successful, but there are so many reasons why i don't (and never have) completely liked it. i'm certainly content on my own little island of the karate kid movies & my imagination to determine my own canon. so please, don't think you're alone in your despair towards the show. that couldn't be farther from the truth. take care <333

Oh my gosh, sorry it took me a while to reply, but life has just become pretty hectic once more.

I can’t agree with you more though on your points, parts of the fandom have become pretty toxic and I try to stay away from those parts of the fandom, but sadly they can be pretty vocal, as in what you said, though I’ve never really come across someone that goes after a Miguel fan XD but I’m not really a fan of Miguel, but that’s just my preference and I don’t think people who attack others for what they like, get that, and as long as it’s not hurting anybody I don’t have any qualms about it, it’s really not a big deal, but those types seem to make it theirs? That’s honestly why I got out of the Les Miserables and The Outsiders Fandoms, because people were getting attacked for what they liked :/

But honestly I’m with you on thinking that Cobra Kai is not part of the canon, I think it ruined the whole TKK world for me as far as it being canon, and I don’t relate the adult Johnny to teenage Johnny, since they really don’t feel like they could be the same person. Plus like you said, the show doesn’t have that feel good 80’s vibes :(

I think from now on I’ll be writing my own canon for the TKK universe and eliminating what the show creators wrote, since I agree that the show has become cash grabby and just looking for good ratings etc. it’s disheartening to know that you are going through a similar thing with the fandom :/ I’m also really sorry about how the writers are making Daniel, since he was a good character in the originals, very human and now he’s just kind of corporate and different :(

I hope you’re having a great day and thank you so much for writing me!!! <3

[lassai]

is this thing on?

I've been thinking about my early days on Tumblr and how myself and my peers used this space as an open diary...it really gave IYKYK - just being vulnerable for all the world to see - what a revolutionary moment. The collective healing. The sharing. Im still hella inspired by that. That's what artists do - a subtle affirmation that everyone has the capacity to be an artist as long as they have the capacity to share. Simply expressing yourself - of course it's healing for yourself, but also healing for so many others! It really could all be so simple. Now my mind drifts off to marvel at how we've become such scarce beings....? I have to check myself often when it comes to a natural scarcity mentality. That's how I was raised. There seem to have never been enough of anything, and thus making me really hold on to the things I have, and think twice before I offer to share my things. Something tells me that scarcity really effects folks from poverty who are trying to play the capitalist game, because on the other hand, those from the hood and immigrants have such a beautiful system of mutual aid that I believe is beneficial for everyone. I have my yellow candle lit, I've been in conversation with the ancestors. I'm manifesting financial stability and freedom for myself, my family, and honestly the entire black American population. We've been on the bottom of the totem pole economically for hundreds of years at this point. There's no way the reason being is because we're all lazy or a lack of financial literacy. I've been working non-stop since the age go 14, while also securing an education. I know I'm not alone in achieving such things, and I also know I'm not alone in still struggling to afford to live. We're in a constant state of warfare and war is EXPENSIVE. I'm praying tho! I'm praying for freedom, and on top of those prayers I'm studying, Im auditioning, Im recording, Im conceptualizing, I'm creating, creating, creating because that's why I was brought to this realm. I've gotten quite far by staying committed to being a thorough creative, somehow everything I need falls into place and I am able to still create the things that I'm imagining. I would love for this process to feel a little bit less stressful and financially secure, however I know this pressure can also make me stronger. It's either get stronger or implode. Fear is so unproductive. Understanding that everything is energy, and your awareness is your reality... Like you mean to tell me that the key is to actually be so delusional to the point where everything that you're dreaming of can come if you simply make it your awareness. I can't remember who it was that said this, but the universe will give you things based on WHO YOU ARE. So if I am clear with who I am as an artist, an actor/singer + a loving/compassionate/community member - that is when the universe will give me the things conducive to that identity. Again it all seems to simple, but really so complex.

Whoever created this current system we're living in is so sinister. I want my round frfr......

#flow #mental health #capitalism #aspiring artist

[familyvideostevie]

hello! don’t know why but i felt the need to bare my feelings to you tonight. you don’t have to respond to this or anything but this has been simmering in my brain for far too long now.

here it goes!!! i miss you. it’s that simple really. you are one of the first few people in this app that i struck up a friendship with. you are humble and so very nice and i love talking to you and checking up on you even if it was once a month. talking to you always, always brightened my day. honestly don’t know where it went wrong. at one point, i realized that you weren’t following me anymore. i didn’t really care because you said in an ask that tumblr was glitching and would make you unfollow blogs even if that wasn’t your intention. i believed that! we still continued to talk, but i noticed that you never followed me again and that your replies weren’t as enthusiastic. i know that you are busy with your own life so i chalked it up to that (i’m busy with mine too), but when you would speak to other people, it just felt different. so i started thinking i did something wrong, but i seriously don’t know what. i wish i had the courage to get off of anon and talk to you about this but then again it’s probably nothing to you and i’m definitely overreacting and overthinking. i don’t know. we’re probably too old for this but i treasure my friendships so much that drifting apart with anyone is as painful as a break up. even if we only know each other through the internet.

if it’s something i did, i’m sorry. if i am overthinking, i’m sorry too because i had to make you read through this entire thing. i just really wanted to get this off of my chest. i also wrote this at 3 am so forgive me. that’s it i think! i wish you all the best and i’ll keep on supporting you!

wow! hello! i'm going to put this reply under the cut because it's long (like, longer than many fics i write). you are under no obligation to read this! but as you've shared your feelings with me i thought i'd do the same.

i will be really honest with you, since you have been honest with me: this stressed me out a lot. reading it was like feeling my heart sink deeper and deeper in my chest with every word. i have been on the internet for a long time but it was not until i started this blog last year that i really began to interact with people in a meaningful way. i've been in and out of fandom spaces and never really clicked with anyone, never been brave enough to chat or share myself the way i have here with the fics i write and the conversations i have on the dash and through dms. this entire time i've been very conscious of how i behave -- or at least i've tried to be -- and that includes not starting/being a part of drama, apologizing when i think i've messed up, and setting my own/abiding by other people's boundaries.

so, all that to say, the feelings that you've expressed here are my worst nightmare. i don't think i'm going to apologize, since i don't think i've done anything wrong, but i will explain myself and the way i use tumblr/think about internet friendships.

first of all, this is not my main blog! it's entirely possible that i do follow you but it's a different url (which i am happy to tell people if they ask me for it privately), so you might not realize.

second of all, i've been on tumblr since 2011 (rough estimate). over a decade later i only follow 110 blogs. that fluctuates! when i'm really into something i will follow accounts that post about that thing, and then sometimes when i'm less into that thing, i unfollow them. when a blog hasn't posted for ~6 months, i unfollow them to keep things tidy (a method of control that has no reason, just my brain being my brain!). when a blog i've followed for years starts posting about something i dont like or care about all that much and know i won't get into/expresses an opinion i maybe don't like/says something i dont vibe with, i might unfollow them! sometimes i block tags but i prefer my dash to be clean and full of stuff i do want to see so often i just unfollow. tumblr, to me, is a place i come to get out of my own head and to distract from reality a little bit and always has been long before i started writing on here. so i am very liberal with the unfollow button and 99.9% of the time it's not personal.

expanding on that. re: unfollowing you. i have never been a part of mutual culture until this blog. i didn't really get it at first but then it became a useful tool for getting my work seen and for supporting the work of others. but as i got bigger (a relative term here, i do not consider my blog to be big), i started to see how mutuals can be kind of a cliquey thing socially and also instill a sense of obligation to people, so i've tried to steer away from that language and stopped attributing following/not following someone as an approval or as a sort of key in the door of online friendship. i want anyone who wants to talk to me to feel like they can! but at the same time i don't follow everyone i speak to and it's not personal. i do not expect anything from the people who follow me in terms of reblogs or likes or anything, even the ones i talk to often, because i think we are all here for ourselves and for our own enjoyment and i don't want to take away from that (in addition, i have barely been reading fics, even those written by dear friends and blogs i adore, so my attention/engagement is low as a default).

but it seems that maybe i have done so for you anyway. so, coming clean. a few months ago i unfollowed a bunch of blogs. some of them were mutuals! mutuals i've spoken to, mutuals whose work i've enjoyed, all that jazz (though i have accidentally unfollowed people before -- that happened today, actually, with a friend!) it is possible you were one of those people. my reasons are mostly related to what i've already said -- some people post a lot of asks, which i dont love scrolling through, some people start writing content i don't care for, etc. oftentimes the content of theirs that i do want to see ends up on my dash anyway, which is great for me (and fairly often i'll pop onto those blogs myself and see what they've been up to using my best friend, the search bar)! so, if this is you, that's that. i unfollowed you and it's not personal and it does not mean we cannot still talk or be friendly or even friends, but i understand if it means that for you.

i realize that not everyone places the same limited weight on folllows as i do and that an unfollow hurts. in that case i urge you to talk to me about it. this happened to me in real life. on my personal instagram account i unfollow people all the time because if they don't post a lot or i don't talk to them often i don't see a need to see what's up with their lives. one time i unfollowed someone i went to college with and it upset him! he asked a mutual friend of ours to ask me why i did it. i said, oh! i didn't realize it was a big deal, i had no malicious intent behind it, i'm happy to follow him again if it means that much. so i did! i'd have preferred he came to me, obviously, but no harm done in the end. i wish this is what you had done.

but i digress. i would like to call out this part of your message:

i know that you are busy with your own life so i chalked it up to that (i’m busy with mine too), but when you would speak to other people, it just felt different. so i started thinking i did something wrong, but i seriously don’t know what. i wish i had the courage to get off of anon and talk to you about this but then again it’s probably nothing to you and i’m definitely overreacting and overthinking.

you are right that i am busy! and the way you say you're feeling is a way i've felt before, for sure. but people cannot know what you're feeling unless you tell them. i am hurt that you think i don't care and that this is nothing. yes, we are all strangers online but i really hope that i haven't given the impression that i don't care about people's feelings and how my actions affect them because that's not true at all. internet friendships are hard! the lines are blurry and i will be the first to admit that. but i really implore you to talk to people about how you are feeling because that's how you maintain friendships and show respect for the people in your life -- open and honest communication. it only benefits everyone, even if things don't work out. i like to think that we can do things that are hard or scary for the sake of the people we care about.

a friend, when i asked about how to reply to this message, told me that sometimes friendships do just drift. people change and priorities change and that's okay, it's part of life. i know it's hard and it doesn't get easier but it's also life. but personally, you sending this on anon does not signal to me that you want to repair this, as it doesn't actually solve anything. and that makes me sad.

anyway! i think that's quite enough. feel free to come speak to me, i really really welcome it. if you've read this far you might think that i'm overreacting, or if you're reading this and it's not about you, you might think that, too! i tried to cover everything i could think of but im a little flustered and not sure any of this makes sense.

you guys, i really only want my blog to be somewhere where you feel like you can be yourselves and be honest and hopefully also respectful. there's been a lot of weird shit going on and i have luckily been treated very well on here by all of you and i am grateful for that.

to everyone else, i love you, thank you for always being kind to me.

#anon ask #emma's asks