#Bless the fact that we are like exactly the same age and fully understand each others references to things

[femmeidiot]

I just remembered that recently I was explaining my love for the song blue (da ba dee) by Eiffel 65 to my coworker and I said yeah they look exactly like you would expect some euro dance group to look like, with the follow up question being "what does that look like?" And I just said "kinda like the guys from mondo burger in good burger" and he fully understood

#Bless the fact that we are like exactly the same age and fully understand each others references to things #anyway I'm watching good burger because it's one of the movies of all time

[colehasapen]

(ONE SHOT) I see ghosts in their smiles  DC

A03

Bruce never fully understood the relationship between Flash and Green Lantern. At a glance, they were so different that logically one would think that they'd fight more than they had, but that had never been the case; Barry and Hal had bickered, had argued, but rarely ever fought. Barry had been mild mannered and polite, while Hal was brash and confident, but these differences hadn’t driven them apart, in fact, it had brought them together. The two of them had been a pair on and off of missions, though many hadn't known the true extent.

Not until it was too late.

The Founders though, they’d all been well aware. They’d had a front row seat to the evolution of the relationship between the two of their more colourful members. They’d seen the two of them go from acquaintances to teammates, to friends, and then to lovers. They’d all teased them in their own ways, found them wrapped around each other in some way or another; they’d interrupted dates for missions, had stumbled across them in embarrassingly compromising situations, had even offered them their blessings, because despite everything, Barry and Hal were good for each other. Somehow, despite being the two most scattered members of the League, they managed to ground each other.

Barry and Hal had been a good pair, but Barry’s death had been the start of Hal’s downward spiral. Barry’s death had been a wake up call for them all, in the same way Jason’s death had been for Bruce; they’d all known, of course, that they were flirting with death everyday, but it hadn’t truly sunk in for a lot of them until Barry had sacrificed himself to save the world.

Now, they were both gone. Both dead; and despite all the differences Bruce had had with them - Jordan more so than Barry - he  misses them.

He misses the old Flash and Green Lantern, more than he ever thought he would. It makes the fact that there’s two new heroes in their place all the more painful.

Wally West and Kyle Rayner.

Bruce has known Wally since the boy was a lanky teen in yellow following his uncle like a cheerful, friendly shadow. He’s known the young man since he was a child, and it’s strange, seeing him in Barry’s place. It’s thrown all of them off balance, having one of the children they helped train standing among them. Wally’s the Flash now, a young man, but Bruce still looks at him and sees the child that used to come over every weekend to play with Dick.

Kyle Rayner doesn’t have that same history. For all intents and purposes, he had been a normal kid until the ring had chosen him and he’d become the last Green Lantern in the galaxy. He’s a nice enough kid, of an age with Bruce’s own boys, with a relatively clean record that paints an image of a friendly, easy-going artist with his head in the clouds. He’s good at what he does, despite learning it all on his own, and mostly competent despite how new he was at hero-ing. But Hal’s actions had proved that they had to be wary of Lanterns, proved that Bruce had gotten too complacent around his teammates, and he wouldn’t make that mistake again. Bruce keeps the new Lantern at an arm’s distance, close enough to stop if he loses it too.

Watching them together is like looking at ghosts.

"It's like watching  them all over again." Clark’s voice is nostalgic and sad, and Bruce very pointedly forces his eyes away from the two young men huddled together near the back of the cafeteria. Superman’s eyes are distant, but there's a light of understanding inside of them when he meets the other hero’s gaze.

Clark knows him too well.

Despite not answering verbally, Bruce inclines his head and grunts.

Wally and Kyle had been a couple no one had suspected, not with the way the two of them bickered. They’re both young, rash, impetuous, and it tends to lend to an image of two young cats hissing and spitting over territory; somehow, without any of them really noticing, the two youngest main roster members of the League had drifted together and meshed despite everything. The arguing had gone from genuine antagonism to something fun and easy that others often found amusing in darker situations.

Now, it wasn’t surprising to see them tucked together with some game or another, or surrounded by snacks in the common room. There had been plenty of talk between the older members of the League, those who had known about their predecessors’ relationship, about another iconic Flash-Green Lantern duo, to the point where Bruce almost decides to not put the two young men on missions together any more, just to avoid having to look at ghosts every day.

But they were good at what they do, and they work well together, despite their bickering, almost like they know instinctively what the other needs in the thick of things without needing to communicate. They tend to poke each other into going beyond their limits with well-placed quips and jokes, and they get the job done quickly and efficiently.

It really was like looking at Barry and Hal again, and maybe that wasn’t a good thing, considering Barry’s death had just been the start of Jordan’s spiral.

Clark offers him a sympathetic smile, “The kids are growing up fast.” The Kryptonian hums slightly, slanting him a slight look. “I always thought it would be Dick and Wally in the end.”

He’d thought the same too, but Dick wouldn’t appreciate his thoughts on it.

Bruce winces slightly, “Nightwing’s happy with Starfire and Oracle.” He says. He’d always thought the same, with the way his ward and Barry’s nephew had been as teens; he knew they’d tried it, had experimented together quite frequently, just like he knew they ended it on good terms as friends, because it was what worked best for them, in the end.

They’d been good together, but they’d decided they were better as friends and teammates, and Bruce would respect that choice. It was the least he could do, after everything he’d put Dick through.

Clark nods his head, right as a burst of laughter drags both of their attention back to where Kyle and Wally are sitting. At some point, Kyle had flipped his sketchbook construct to show whatever he had been drawing to the redhead, who had dissolved into cackles at whatever was on the page, snickering into his food. As they watch, the young Green Lantern grins boyishly, leaning forward to give the speedster a quick peck on the cheek before shoving a hand full of fries into Wally’s mouth and laughing himself.

Around them, the noise had drawn the attention of other heroes in the cafeteria, and Bruce doesn’t need to look to see that they’re all softening at the sight of the two young men.

“They’re their own people.” Bruce says finally, “Their own heroes.”

Clark nods, expression soft, “It’s different.” He admits, “But sometimes I still end up calling them by another name.” He shrugs, looking repentant, when Bruce frowns at him. “I called Wally, Barry the other day during monitor duty, because he said something that reminded me too much of him. I mean, it’s not surprising that he  would act like Barry - but it throws me off sometimes.” Clark looks sheepish, apologetic, “It’s strange, having Wally working with us. He’s a good kid, but-”

“-But he’s not Barry.” Bruce agrees with a sigh. “We always knew he would take over as the Flash after Barry.” Barry hadn’t exactly been quiet about it; he’d been so proud of his nephew, and would tell anyone who listened that Wally would become the Flash someday, that he’d be even better than Barry.

“I’d always hoped it would be because Barry retired.” Clark says sadly, “Have a few kids; they did such a good job with Wally. Maybe he and Iris would have managed to talk Hal into coming with them - Hal never could deny them anything, even if he tried to act tough.”

But they were all dead - Iris first, then Barry, and then Jordan.

“Kyle’s a good kid, too.” Superman continues, “Ernest, creative, even if he’s a little rough around the edges. The Lanterns would have loved him - probably would have taken him under their wings.”

Bruce grunts, and Clark slants him a knowing look. As much as he likes Rayner as a person, or how much he reminds him of Dick, he can’t trust him, not after Jordan proved to them how dangerous an uncontrolled Lantern could be.

“He’s  not Hal, Bruce.” Clark points out, “And Hal did the right thing, in the end - thanks to him.”

“Jordan proved that I was getting too complacent.” Bruce says blankly, “Every hero here is just one bad day away from becoming the very thing we fight.”

Clark sighs, leaning forward to press a kiss against Bruce’s cheek, there and gone. “My break’s over.” The Kryptonian says apologetically, smiling. “You should go home and get some sleep, Bruce. A full eight hours, at least.”

Another laugh rings out, and Bruce turns his head just enough to see that Wally had scooted his chair closer to Kyle’s, their knees bumping, and he’s moving to playfully pull the dark haired Lantern closer to press their lips together with a cheeky grin. The ketchup smeared across the artist’s cheek was proof enough of what they had been doing before.

It’s damningly charming, and sweet, but all Bruce can think when he sees them is that there’s a chance they could end up in the same situation as Barry and Hal. There’s too many ghosts in his head, too many skeletons in his closet, and two of them wear crimson and green.

#cole writes #dc comics #dcu #justice league #bruce wayne #clark kent #wally west #kyle rayner #superbat #halbarry #flashlantern #wally west/kyle rayner #kyle rayner/wally west #bruce wayne/clark kent #green lantern #the flash #batman #superman

[murasaki-murasame]

Thoughts on Higurashi Gou Ep22

All of this ‘the culprit’s motives are super shallow and they’re just unhealthily obsessive’ discourse is giving me war flashbacks to . . . . basically every other part of the entire When They Cry franchise, lol.

Thoughts under the cut. [Plus spoilers for Umineko]

I feel like at the end of the day we’re all just gonna have to agree to disagree about how we feel about how Ryukishi is handling Satoko as the culprit here, since I don’t really think any amount of social media posts detailing our interpretations of her character are gonna change anyone’s minds, lol. But I’m still gonna give my thoughts on her anyway because it’s fun, even if I’m basically just preaching to the choir.

To be honest, this feels pretty much in line with how Ryukishi already wrote characters like Takano and Beatrice, in terms of them having unhealthy obsessions that lead them to mass-murder. The amount of violence Satoko has caused is arguably worse than either of them, but they’re all pretty awful if you think about the reality of what they all did as villains.

Sorta like with how a lot of the old-school Umineko discourse went, I think people are too focused on the whole idea of Satoko hating studying, and ignoring everything else about her character and her circumstances. Although even then I feel like people are being kinda unfair toward Satoko about how strongly she feels about academics, but maybe I’m just biased because of my own history with schooling and the intense levels of anxiety and self-hatred that can go along with it.

Plus the fact that Satoko already has a long history of sever abandonment issues, and has basically always had HS that amplified her feelings of paranoia and persecution. It’s pretty obvious at this point that she never really got ‘cured’ in the first place, though it’s less important to think about HS as an in-universe fictional disease with it’s own rules, and more important to just think about it as a representation of real-life mental illnesses which aren’t bound by the rules of made-up brain-worm parasites and aliens or whatever.

Also, the Satoko that started all this looping in the first place was one who never dealt with Teppei returning to the village, and thus never went through her whole character arc related to that. The series is kinda ambiguous about how it handles the idea of people’s character development carrying over between loops, but it explains a lot about Satoko’s attitude here if you go with the idea that she never really had to overcome any of her trauma or coping mechanisms in the “good ending timeline”, and this is the consequence of that taken to it’s logical extreme. The idea of her view of the world being skewed by the fact that she only remembers the “good ending timeline” is also kinda lamp-shaded by the part where she hears about Rika’s looping and is like “oh yeah, that’s the month where we had that cool action movie stand-off with the Mountain Dogs :)”. By the time she really got to understand exactly what was going on beyond the specific timeline she had experienced, she was already way over the edge.

I get why people don’t like the idea of Gou ‘tainting’ the VN’s happy ending, but I honestly like the idea that it’s examining the consequences of how Matsuribayashi was such an overly-specific timeline where basically nothing bad happened and everyone just banded together to beat Takano. It kinda glossed over a lot of the personal problems that the main cast had in the rest of the series, and this really goes to show the effects of some of that stuff not getting properly addressed. It also reminds me that Minagoroshi is a timeline that even in the VN, Rika completely lost her memories of, so I can see how even post-Matsuribayashi she might have never let Satoko know about the details of that one timeline where she overcome her abuse.

I also feel like it only really got to this point because of Featherine’s meddling. In the original Matsuribayashi timeline, Satoko just started drifting away from Rika and ended up wandering into the Saiguden and meeting Featherine before anything actually serious happened in that timeline. I think that if she had just been left to her own devices and that timeline had just kept going, Satoko probably would have either found a way to reconnect with Rika, or they would have just slowly drifted apart for good. But then Satoko got given the power to time travel, and only started going off the deep end after going through another five years of identical suffering.

And on that whole note, it reminds me of how in Umineko, Lambda had a whole conversation about the idea of an abused person becoming an abuser themself if they’re given the power to lash out. Which is basically what’s happening here. Satoko is being given the tools to completely detach herself from reality and try as many times as she likes to get what she wants.

Which also reminds me that this episode in particular REALLY lays the Umineko parallels on thick, lol. Particularly the whole ‘Satoko is turning into Lambda’ thing, which feels just about 100% confirmed now. They straight up have Featherine bring up the exact same ‘monkeys using a typewriter’ analogy to explain Rika’s situation that Lambda uses in Umineko to explain Bern’s situation.

I know a lot of people don’t like the increasingly blatant Umineko tie-ins, and that a lot of people still think it might just be misdirection, but considering how much stuff in Gou has been surprisingly straightforward and predictable, I think it’s pretty much exactly what it seems to be.

Though to be more specific, this is probably more about the start of Lambda and Bern’s relationship, and their appearances in Umineko, rather than the very first origins of them as individuals, if that makes sense. Obviously the concept of Bernkastel as an identity has been around since Higurashi itself, and we’ve known for a long time that Lambda was the one who originally gave Takano her blessing of certainty, but we’ve never known the full details of how those two started their relationship, and Featherine’s whole series of name-drops in the last episode makes it seem like Lambda as a meta individual more or less already exists, with Satoko being an iteration of her. So I think they both technically already exist, but this is how the two of them come into contact and start their whole unhealthily obsessive relationship.

I guess it’s still possible that, even if she’s already existed for a long time as a meta individual, she hasn’t actually come up with the name ‘Lambdadelta’ for herself yet, and this might be where she does so. Even with the list of names Featherine referenced, she didn’t technically bring up Lambda’s name directly. So in that sense this might be ‘Lambda’s’ origin story, even if she already exists.

Considering how basically the entire story at this point seems to be acting in service of setting up the whole LambdaBern relationship dynamic no matter what, I’m becoming increasingly convinced that this will end with Satoko and Rika fully embracing their codependency and mutually ascending to the meta plane so they can stay together once and for all. There might still be human versions of them that stay behind in the real world and continue living normal lives, though.

At the very least, it feels like that’s the logical outcome of the whole Chekov’s Sword Fragment plot device that’s been hanging in the background for ages now. I think it’ll just be the in-universe explanation they use to show the mechanics of how exactly that process works. It’ll probably be used to ‘sever’ Satoko and Rika’s meta consciousnesses from their physical bodies and allow them to basically become witches.

Mainly I just can’t really see this having a ‘happy ending’ at this point, aside from the whole idea that maybe the severing process leaves behind ‘normal’ versions of the two of them who stay in Hinamizawa and go back to their normal lives. I dunno if that’d make people happy, but it’d at least be a way for Ryukishi to have his cake and eat it too, lol.

I just don’t think that there’s any real chance of this ending with them just talking to each other and agreeing to put an end to all this, though. For one thing that’d just feel kinda anticlimactic and honestly make Gou’s story feel even MORE pointless, if it just ends with literally the exact same ending as the VN with nothing really being changed. But I also feel like Featherine wouldn’t be willing to just let Satoko ‘give up’ without having one of them definitively win their current game. In general I just feel like Ryukishi should just commit to the story he’s setting up at this point, instead of just backing out at the last minute and circling everything back to the same ending we already had like nothing in Gou ever happened. If we’re gonna have this whole new story to begin with, it should at least have some lasting consequences.

Anyway, I think in the next episode we’re finally going to loop back to the Damashi arcs and see how they played out. At this point I don’t care too much about getting answers to the ground-level mysteries of those arcs, and I doubt the story will spend much time on that, but I’m curious to see how it progresses Satoko’s whole development through these loops, since I think she goes through some changes with her motives and methods over the course of them.

Specifically I think that the actual experience of being physically present in her own set of loops and causing so much pain and suffering started to get to her, and she might have almost given up in her own way during Tataridamashi and wanted to just stay in that arc, but things went south anyway. Maybe, if that’s what happened, Featherine basically let her know that she won’t let her give up, and will force her to keep looping until one of them ‘wins’ no matter what. Either way, I think that arc was a turning point for her. Like how she asked Featherine to arrange things so that Satoko can make sure that she and Rika’s loops are synced up, she probably asked Featherine after that arc to change the rules again so that Rika will start remembering the details of her deaths. At this point it’s pretty obvious that the Hanyuu fragment Rika was talking to earlier in Gou was more or less just Featherine putting on an act and manipulating her, so the scene of Hanyuu giving her the power to remember her deaths was probably just Featherine telling her about the rule change.

And going by how the Nekodamashi arc went immediately afterward, I think that rule change was related to Satoko becoming increasingly desperate to put an end to the loops as soon as possible. And considering how she was willing to spend so much time reviewing Rika’s hundred years of looping just to prepare for this, it’d make sense to me if she becomes desperate because she basically gives up, but realizes that she isn’t actually allowed to give up, so she has to try and make Rika give in as fast as possible. Either way it’s pretty obvious that Satoko’s methods start becoming more violent in that arc, and she basically tries to brute-force Rika into submission, leading up to the loop where she just spawn-camps her and straight up starts screaming at her to just stay in the village while tearing out her guts. It’s still possible that her attitude in that loop was just one big act, but I think that was the result of her being genuinely desperate to just have Rika give up once and for all, and her starting to crack under the pressure of doing all of these things with her own hands across so many loops. 

So now we’ll just have to see how the confrontation between them at the end of Nekodamashi plays out once we get back to it. In the long run I just think it’ll lead to the ending I talked about before, with them using the sword on each other. The exact nuances of how that sorta ending might play out are up in the air, though.

Either way, I think there’s probably enough time to wrap up all that in two more episodes, but there’s still reason to believe that there might be some kind of sequel in the works. I don’t really want to bet on it, though, so I’m just gonna assume that there’s two episodes left and base my theories on that. In which case I think the next episode will go over the Damashi arcs and end with Rika and Satoko’s confrontation at the end of Nekodamashi, and then the final episode will wrap everything up. Considering that they both more or less know exactly what’s going on with each other by that point, there isn’t really that much that needs to be wrapped up. I think that will be the final loop we get, so it’ll all just come down to how their confrontation plays out, and what decision they come to about how to handle each other.

I honestly don’t really know how I think a full sequel would go, if it’s at least one cour long. Assuming that it’s not just a new Umineko anime that more or less continues Rika and Satoko’s arc via Lambda and Bern, but is a straight up ‘Higurashi Gou Season 2′. It just feels like there isn’t really that much that needs to be done to wrap things up, now that everything’s being laid out in the open, and Rika and Satoko are both aware of each other’s looping. They might switch it up so that they both end up teaming up to take down Featherine, but I kinda doubt that’ll happen.

I’m still hoping this is leading into some kind of new Umineko anime though, lol. That feels like it’d be the main reason for putting so much effort into this whole elaborate LambdaBern origin story we’re getting here.

I’ve heard rumors that there’s been listings for a 25th episode of Gou, so it’s possible that rather than another full season, there’s just one extra episode at the end. I’m not exactly sure what the point of doing one extra unannounced episode at the end would be, though. It might end up being a bridge between Gou and a new Umineko anime.

At the very least, if it’s just ‘Satokowashi Part 8′, it makes me wonder why they haven’t announced it yet, and why they didn’t just split that arc into two BD volumes with four episodes each, instead of having it be one big volume with seven episodes, and one random episode at the end for some reason. But if it’s more of an epilogue or a bridge of sorts between Gou and something else, with Gou’s story concluding with episode 24, then I guess it’d make some sense to do it that way.

We also know there’s gonna be a panel for Gou at a convention around when ep24 comes out, so if anything gets announced it’ll probably happen there.

Anyway, this whole episode can be summed up as “Satoko does a gay little psychological torture that pisses Rika off”, in the most morbidly entertaining way possible, lmao.

#murasaki reblogs #higurashi #higurashi gou

[silentprincess0302]

I’ve watched I Told Sunset About You at least 5 times in a row now, but I apparently have no one to rant to and I NEED to rant so bear with me.

First of all can we just appreciate how beautiful the story is? The way it’s portrayed, the way they talk, the location, songs, idk everything is just so poetic. I love how some scenes didn’t need words, and you’d understand it anyway. I love how there are no actual bad guys. The ones they are fighting with are themselves. And everyone has a personality. There’s a story in each and every one of those beautiful, well-written and portrayed characters. I’ll rant about how the story amazes me another time, I just need to focus on the two- Teh and Oh-Aew.

1. Teh

He’s an enigma. Like there’s so much going on with him and sometimes (or most of the times), he doesn’t even understand himself. And there’s so much added to his inner turmoil and identity that just makes me want to try and piece the puzzle but at the same time smother him with a pillow and blanket and yell “PLEASE REST AND BE HAPPY.”

First of all, his family. God, I can’t even start to say how much I relate to him with this. Being compared to hurts like hell. It’s like every thing you do, every step you take, you’d think “Would this be approved? Is this right? Or is this wrong and I’ll be compared again? Will they be proud of me? Will I ever be number 1?” You seek approval for your whole life. First your family, and it will branch out to your whole life. It’s haunting. He solidified his dream to become an actor because his mom was, for once, seemed so proud and excited at the prospect (I’m sure she is proud of him, it’s just that SHOWING it is another story).

And then there’s Oh-Aew. God. The person who shook his entire world. His entire being. If I’m to use Twighlight terms, I’d say he really imprinted on Oh-Aew, and it’s not hard to not see it. There’s a few posts talking about it on Tumblr, and I absolutely agree with them. It’s like, Oh-Aew is really the centre of his world (whether he realises it or not). I know they were kids when they fought, but that person has to be super important to you if it affects you that deeply. They say there’s a thin line between love and hate, and I think this is a good example of it. And to have a strong rivalry meant the love was strong as well- to be able to cross the line.

But “enemies” might be too strong of a word as well. It’s kind of funny, how Teh acts a bit tough and kind of picks a fight with Oh-Aew when what he did the moment he saw Oh-Aew was staring at him again and again. And it’s not even the hate kind of stare. Fascination? Wonder? Curiosity? Longing? Yeah, he talks big with Tarn about their “animosity ” but is it really animosity when he keeps staring, keeps scrolling through this person’s ig, keeps thinking about this person? Who the hell copies someone’s hairstyle if you want to be their enemy? Wouldn’t an enemy want something equally or more amazing, but different? Also he had the audacity to not acknowledge the fact that he was staring at him the whole damn day when Oh-Aew pointed it out. Oh Teh. This is just the tip of the ice-berg.

And when he finally made up with Oh Aew, the dam bursts. He thinks of ways to be close to him again, and not just as friends, but as BEST FRIENDS. He wanted to go “hardcore” immediately and chose his weapon- tutoring. He wanted Oh-Aew with him. He didn’t quite understand why, but he NEEDED Oh-Aew with him. And he wants Oh-Aew to acknowledge it, and see it the same way. He wanted to be special to Oh-Aew too, just like how he is to him. He gets unsettled and upset when he feels like he’s been treated the same as their other friends, and I find this so interesting. He went intense so quick, that I don’t doubt that these intense feelings were there since they were kids. It’s just, at that time, they were kids. As people age, feelings grow into different things, and I guess these their feelings grow to desire, fascination, longing, and love. (Also I squeal every time he admits this. “I don’t like it when ...”)

And his desire grew even more. The more time he spends with Oh-Aew, the more he seems to be wanting to possess him. To see him. To be in his presence. When Oh-Aew’s not there, he’s so unsettled. He touches random things, he paces, tosses around.. He’s lost. But his desire was so apparent. Sometimes, the way he looks at Oh-Aew, it seems like he wanted to devour him whole. This aspect, I feel, clicked when he sniffed his “friend”’s hair so intensely. Damn, the way he sniffed.. You can see the desire. He literally sniffed with his whole body!! Damn. And from there it gets intense and more intense. He’s suddenly aware of it bit by bit. “Coconut, coconut, coconut.” He went home, sniffed the coconut. I use the word sniff and it sounds super cute, but he didn’t do it very cutely haha. Sensual would be more fitting. The scent that he used to hate, is now the scent he seems to yearn as well. Desire by association?

I don’t think he’s stupid, and he’s damn aware that there’s something different he’s feeling about Oh-Aew. He might not understand it at that moment, so he started to play a bit dumb, continue with Tarn, and act “normal”. Is that really normal though, Teh? And Oh-Aew, bless his wit (or else we’ll forever see this static state) made him realize that boy, think different. Think, desire. Think, love. The scene at the beach, the coy atmosphere, was beautiful. I love how Oh-Aew coaxed him gently, and didn’t force him to come to him. To let Teh see him that way. The possibility. And when Teh just came to him, followed him around, desire just radiating in waves, eyes heavy-lidded with it,.. Ah, their relationship shifts yet again. And the scene where he “scratched” his back, Teh was almost lost in it. Almost gave in. Until he touched Oh-Aew’s chest and well damn. He’s a boy. And he slips away.

It’s not that simple, because this wasn’t his plan. He wanted to go to his chosen university, make his mom proud, make his family proud, succeed, have a good career, have a family with Tarn (which his mom apparently will be proud of so, bonus points). And where does Oh-Aew fit in this? Ideally, a friend would be perfect, but they’re not exactly friends, are they? But if he chooses Oh-Aew, what about his plans? His mom? The person who he seeks approval the most. It’s too much.

So he overcompensates with tutoring, the thing that made sense to him. What fits. But it hurts both of them. To Oh-Aew, who wanted Teh’s heart, and Teh, who also wanted Oh-Aew, but is trying to hold himself back and pushes Oh-Aew away, YET try to be close through tutoring. He wants to get away, but he can’t. He mentally, emotionally, and physically can’t. So he made the idioms book, in hopes Oh-Aew would appreciate it, and possibly forgive him (while staying friends?). But why was he lying to himself? The moment he saw Oh-Aew receiving his book, he couldn’t leave. He paced, and he peeked again. And he just can’t win. He’s lost in Oh-Aew’s presence and gaze, and the yearning builds up again, and he wanted to be close, close, close to Oh-Aew. He wanted to inhale his scent, inhale Oh-Aew. When they finally hugged behind the staircase, it’s like, ah, yes. I’m grounded again. (Also can we appreciate the music and cinematography during this scene? BEAUTIFUL). Still in this grounded trance, they went swimming, until oh, he’s pulled down, to a place where no one could see them, no one could judge them. And that’s when he finally let his yearning take over more and kiss him. Finally have him where he actually wanted him, but wasn’t possible due to the reality, the world, people around him. Masterpiece of a scene. Istg.

But of course, everything went straight to hell after. Sure, there were initial blissful moments, and then, when he realized that ah, this is the world again, he took two steps back, and broke Oh-Aew’s heart, and his own. And he knows this. Knows that he actually really damaged them now, and when he was told he couldn’t be friends anymore, it crushed him. How would he be able to live without Oh-Aew? His world. His anchor. So he grasped at things to save his world when he knows Oh-Aew was hurting, and made one desperate, big-scale attempt. Give up his place at university. His dreams. He gave everything to Oh-Aew. He can’t bear to see him suffer and lose his dreams, so he gave up his. I just, I can’t describe it in words.

This was a huge sacrifice. Might be the biggest sacrifice yet. And damn, Oh-Aew didn’t take it? He rejected his efforts, rejected him. The world he was protecting, rejected him (I’ll talk about Oh-Aew later). It hurts. And when he opened the pages of his book, it’s all cut out. He’d already given everything to Oh-Aew. And the one thing he had, the one weapon he had, tutoring, he can’t use it anymore. He just lost both his spot, and Oh-Aew. It hurts. It hurts.

I like that he was a bit passive aggressive at class, and he hinted that Oh-Aew shouldn’t have taken his efforts so lightly, etc. But when Oh-Aew didn’t quite return his passive aggressiveness, and he had this sincere exchange conversation with Bas instead, Teh’s world stopped again. How could Bas tell Oh-Aew what he wanted to tell him so easily? Why is everyone okay about it? How was it so easy? And there it is. He saw Oh-Aew smiling. “This was what I couldn’t give him. Now I lost him.”

He doesn’t have any more cards. No tutoring cards. He only had his words and his heart. But if he can’t fully accept himself, how’s he supposed to face Oh-Aew? Losing Oh-Aew was devastation. The conversation he had with Hoon was so important. The first time he confessed his feelings out loud. With words. And Hoon’s reply.. I just. Wow, he’s a wonderful brother. And ah, now that he had some acceptance, he could finally accept himself. But he can’t do anything at the moment of course, because Oh-Aew’s with Bas now.

So he fulfills his promise to Oh-Aew at least. I wonder what he was thinking at this point. Did he come to terms that he won’t be close to Oh-Aew anymore? Was he ready to let him go? AND THEN THE MIGHTY SCENE. When Oh-Aew said he just wants Teh to not disappear on him and could be anything Teh wants, Teh’s just like. “Ah. My world’s coming back together. And I’m ready.” “If I can be anything, can I be your boyfriend?”

UGHHHHH THE AMOUNT OF FEELS. Teh’s character is SUCH a journey, but it’s a book I’d love to read and reread, and discover the little things I haven’t discovered before. I love how complex he is, and that we can see so clearly his struggles, turmoil, yearning, and finally, acceptance.

2. Oh-Aew

One thing that I would love is more insight on Oh-Aew’s character. But he, too, is a whole character journey. Have you ever felt like you had no aim? Nowhere to head to, just a mindless walk?

Oh-Aew didn’t have a dream. He didn’t want anything, but it’s not like he’s doing it on purpose. It sounds like it’s nothing much, but imagine being in a desert. With no directions. Or like a dark room, where you desperately try to find a light, just somewhere to look at, somewhere to go, something to do.

And then he found it, his light. His passion. Acting. It’s like when a starved man finally sees food, or when a locked person finally sees the world. He sees motivation. He sees purpose. He sees something he could strive for, and make his parents proud of him. Now imagine that when you finally found that motivation and sense of purpose, someone who you care about, someone you hold dear and never thought would betray you, says you wouldn’t be able to do it, and that you’d give up anyways.

I don’t know how to stress this, but being told that you’re incapable of succeeding at a young age really affects your thinking. Humans by nature, don’t like to be told what they can or cannot do, and it’s the same for Oh-Aew. So he takes that as a challenge, and tries his whole life to prove Teh wrong. To be honest, it’s both a blessing and a curse. A curse because he had ongoing thoughts about how he needs to be the best, and that he needs to prove someone wrong. But a blessing because he now has another motivation to strengthen his attempts to reach his dreams. Personally, I, too, find competitions a push for me to be better. But it also had negative impact on me. I wasn’t satisfied with anything I achieved, I just wanted to bulldoze through. And if there’s even a smallest mistake, I’d beat myself up. It’s not a healthy lifestyle.

And when he finally met with this person again, not only did he keep on staring at him, he also brought up his academic weakness and implied that he’ll fail. Again. Again. And what’s worst is he was partly right. He didn’t get the placement.

Okay I’m going to stop there for Oh-Aew’s motivation and ambition, because I’ll get emotional lol I relate too much. So on to Teh.

What’s interesting about Oh-Aew is that I’m not really sure what he’s thinking, and he’s quite a mystery. But at the same time, he has this presence that’s just, healing and addictive. He doesn’t force, doesn’t push. He coaxes, he’s gentle. But he knows what he wants, and he’s clear about it. I’d love to know the thoughts he had for Teh when they met, though. Because, even though we weren’t shown what was going through his head, or the degree of which he thought of Teh, he obviously sees Teh as different from the rest.

When Teh told him he’s upset that he’s being treated like everyone else, Oh-Aew was just like. “Bestie, why didn’t you tell me? Let me affirm your position. Here’s my big secret.” WITHOUT hesitation. He didn’t think it was weird or anything, all he wanted was to make Teh smile again. And he’s so in tune with Teh. Whenever Ten’s upset, he just knows, asks, and he’ll wait for Teh to be ready, and when he’s ready, he’ll listen to Teh and comfort his unease. I understand how Teh would be so entranced. Oh-Aew was like a breath of fresh air, the quiet comfort, yet alluring and addictive.

And one of my favorite parts would be when Teh told him to not give his time to others, Oh-Aew said it to him right back with such a challenging look on his face. And I think it’s interesting, because he doesn’t really show that much aggression (it wasn’t really aggressive, but he had a harder tone than usual). It shows how Oh-Aew is quite clever in hiding what he wants to hide, or maybe he could even store it in a secret box inside his head and try to ignore it. I’m saying this because we kept seeing how Teh checked and rechecked who saw his story with Tarn, but he couldn’t see Oh-Aew’s name, and Oh-Aew didn’t really seem affected by it. But when Teh mentioned about time, he suddenly took off mask and it’s as if he said, “You’re bothered with me giving your time to others? Okay my bad, but you’re also giving my time others. You think I don’t know? I’m also bothered.” And at this point I was like, ah, so Oh-Aew does notice. And he does gets bothered. It continues on to Teh sniffing the hell out of his hair and he’s just like what? And he thinks, and he thinks, and he looks at the coconut shampoo. And he thinks.

Teh.

And he puts on more shampoo, which suggested how he actually welcomes the thought of Teh liking the smell on him. He wants Teh to like him. More coconut, more coconut. Like me.

But he’s patient, Oh-Aew is. He doesn’t push Teh, he just observes, tests, and when he’s quite sure, he launches his gentle yet dangerous attacks. He made sure Teh was looking at him, thinking of him (not that he actually needed to, Teh was already full of Oh-Aew thoughts HAHA but it does help, to push Teh a bit), and he coaxes. He introduced the possibility of them gently.

But how long could a person wait? How many times can a person get rejected? When he realized he liked Teh, he didn’t tip toe his way around Teh like he did with Bas, he went full force. It’s like, just as Teh was like a hungry lion, Oh-Aew was a prey enticing to be eaten. He wanted to be eaten. He liked Teh’s attention, wanted Teh’s attention, more than anything. He wanted him. After all, Teh was behind his motivation his whole life. He wanted Teh to see him, to love him, to embrace him. Accept him. How long can he be patient? The lion knows he’s hungry, but he refuses to eat. Yet; the lion keeps the prey to himself, to his clutches, to his territory. But the lion won’t do anything directly, so is the prey not worthy enough to be eaten? If not, why put it in the lion’s yearning clutches?

Every time Teh seemed to move forward, Oh-Aew gets disappointed when he moves two steps back. And it’s maddening, because now Teh is just at the center of his world, but he can’t access it. There’s a wall, and this wall keeps him from truly being with Teh. And he’s so addicted to Teh, to Teh’s attention, and he wants more. He had the taste of it, but just as he gets to taste- it’s gone. And he knows why. And it goes back to his own anxiety of being not worthy. Not worthy of a dream, not worthy for a person. Are his parents even proud of him? He desperately tried to change, maybe if I change my gender, he’d like me? He’d accept me? But of course it’s not possible; and it breaks him. Is he even worthy of anything?

And he decided to give up. I might be just assuming, but it’s as if “I’m not smart, why bother. I’m not lovable, why bother.” And he wanted to lock himself in that dark room again, to be aimless, to be numb, to not feel anymore of the pain of not being enough.

And this is the part where I want to rant the most. His rejection of Teh’s place in university. Yes, at first I questioned it too, but did he look happy at all when he rejected it? People have mentioned that Teh’s sacrifice was the answer to Oh-Aew’s earlier question “If the teacher chose you, would you have given it to me?” (Somewhere along these lines). That yes, he would give it up to Oh-Aew.

But Oh Aew too, was answering an accusation made on him. He doesn’t, and never did, want to steal Teh’s dream. All he wanted was an inspiration, a rival to compete with, not to crush. Not to destroy. To me, Teh giving up his place could mean two things to Oh-Aew: Teh was first offering to be destroyed, and second, it would mean that the whole rivalry, inspiration, chase, ambition was colored gray when before it was a burning bright red. There was an idiom that they learned, “Easy pickings.” To get something when you didn’t put so much effort in. And I think, if I was in his place, I’d feel that it was an easy picking, because someone intentionally gave it to him on a silver platter. More so, his love, his rival, his inspiration gave it to him, like the whole competition didn’t matter. I don’t know the intention of the writers, but I feel that it was like Oh-Aew also didn’t want to be the one holding the knife of destroying Teh’s dream. Because he never wanted to. And the competition, the inspiration to his ambition and growth which all started and continued from and around Teh, would mean less. To be a competent rival, he needs to get there by himself.

Also I think if he did accept it, it would be a whole cycle again. Teh would have a card, and he’d never realize that the card’s not what Oh-Aew wants. Oh-Aew only wants his heart. Both of them needed this. Teh needed to know this, and Oh-Aew needed a push to realize his supposed purpose and motivation again. Which he will achieve, by himself, with his own hands, as a worthy rival. And if he gets it, he can say HE did it. He won’t have to feel guilty all his life for “stealing” Teh’s place. Damn. I’ve always wanted to say this since I don’t see much about people talking about Oh-Aew’s side in this.

On to Bas, it’s actually quite heartbreaking to see how he treated Oh-Aew exactly how he wanted. To be accepted and loved without hesitance, to hold hands without a care in the world, to be able receive love without walls. Bas is truly golden. But it’s just not who Oh-Aew wanted. He wasn’t quite Teh, and Bas knows this, and guided him back to Teh. UGH BAS I HOPE YOU FIND SOMEONE AND BE HAPPY.

And finally, the sunset scene. I like how he didn’t apologize about the university placement, but he knew he didn’t want to lose Teh. He already accepted that he might not be what he wants to be by Teh’s side, but he’s willing to take it. Anything. He just wants Teh to not disappear again. And oh, Teh suddenly confessed.

AAAAAAAAAA I CAN’T GET OVER THIS T.T The series is SOOOOO beautiful and well-written. I’m so nervous for Part 2. Pls don’t give them a sad ending. PLEASE. I BEG YOU. Or I might really hypnotize myself to forget the second part and only remember the first one. And and if anyone wants to talk to me and discuss this with me please do!!!!! I love a good discussion T.T and I’m lonely hELP I need to talk about it with someone

#itsay #i told the sunset about you #oh aew #teh #tehaew #ppkrit #billkin #ppbillkin #MY FEELS #rant #i love this series so much #literally art #a masterpiece #bkpp #billkinpp

[thexfridax]

Translated interview (with omissions)

The female gaze: An interview with Céline Sciamma

Michael Ranze, filmdienst.de, 2nd of November 2019

// Additions or clarifications for translating purposes are denoted as [T: …]. A couple of omissions in the first interview, but I provided links to existing articles with more information. I’ve also added extracts from two more interviews with Céline below. Aaaaand... I believe this is it for German Portrait interviews! 😅 //

A conversation with the French director about ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’.

The French director Céline Sciamma already garnered international attention with her debut film ‘Water Lilies’. She is now a regular at the big film festivals. Her recent film ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’ is a multi-layered love story between a female painter and a young noble woman, whom she has to paint.

Interviewer: Your first three films ‘Water Lilies’ (2007), ‘Tomboy’ (2011) and ‘Girlhood' (2014) are about the coming-of-age of female characters, about their search for identity, including sexual identity. Where does this great interest in the world view of young women come from?

Céline Sciamma: I was lucky enough to make films as a young woman and to talk about things that I know about and understand. That’s why my first three films were closely connected to the childhood and youth of the heroines, and their female identity. I’m also pursuing the same theme in my new film ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’, this time with grown women. In the other films there was always the desire for love, which is also self-discovery. Love is fully lived out this time – this creates some kind of dialogue. I am 40 years old – I now have to talk about these things. (laughs) [T: Also see here, here, here or here about her previous films]

I: But there’s also the theme of female solidarity, especially in ‘Girlhood’…

CS: Yes, indeed. The more my work develops, the more it deals with the theme of friendship, sorority, but also the ability to enjoy life to the fullest. This also includes solidarity, these small islands that women can establish together. My films open up the space for this idea, this is much more radical in ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’ than in my previous films.

I: But you also wrote the screenplay for André Téchiné’s film ‘Being 17’, where the two main characters are adolescent boys.

CS: That’s the same kind of work for me. It’s about creating characters without objectifying them, and to find access to their experiences. The female gaze is not only about filming women. It’s also about being aware about the images and representations. You have to pay a lot of attention, when you are inventing or composing something. Otherwise it becomes conventional, or you create characters that are empty. That applies to men and women. The male gaze is damaging for male representation in my opinion. I thought that it would be interesting for me to do it differently.

I: How did you work together with André Téchiné on the screenplay?

CS: This was the only time in my career as scriptwriter that I worked on the script with someone else. I admire Téchiné’s work. My first cinephile emotions are linked to his films. It was therefore a lot of fun to enter his matrix and get access to his thinking, on the one hand to participate, and on the other hand to support his goals. The fact that he wanted to do a film about youth motivated me to make him a young film director. [T: Also see here about her work on ‘Being 17′]

I: He is now 76 years old.

CS: Yes, exactly. He was 73, when we worked together. But it never felt like there was a huge age hierarchy between us. I admire him very much, he really fuelled my ambitions, we have a very intense relationship.

I: What do you like more: writing scripts or directing films?

CS: This has changed. I always liked the balance between the two, also the fact that I didn’t always have to follow my own wishes, but could immerse myself in another logic and worlds, and distract myself. But over the years I realised that I don’t want to lose any more time. It’s of course not a waste of time to work for others. But you sometimes have to put up with long project delays. For the first time in a long time I don’t have any screenplay assignments, and I like this feeling. But you never know what may happen. I was really blessed with some projects. For ‘My Life as a Courgette’, it just gave me joy to write a film for children. If something like that comes along again, I would do it immediately. [T: Also see here about her work on ‘My Life as a Courgette’]

[T: Omitted Q&A about the reasons why she did a period film, but see here, here or here]

I: What are the challenges when you recreate a period, which was so long ago?

CS: You have to do a lot of research, especially about the situation of female artists. You really have to dig deep, because no one wrote a thick book on it. The other challenge was the collaboration with others. That is the beauty of cinema. The costume designer does research about that period, so does the set designer. This is my third collaboration with Thomas Grézaud (he also worked with Sciamma on ‘Girlhood’ and ‘Tomboy’, editor’s note). He always suggests something, which is then incorporated into the film. When it is about historic films, then accuracy is very important. But sometimes it’s also interesting to consider what is not in the picture. For example, there is not much furniture. We built the few pieces ourselves, out of wood and with cotton. It was more about believing in cinema, in action, in clear lines.

I: So you work closely with the costume and set designer?

CS: Yes, there is a close coordination. I wanted some kind of uniform for the characters, for example. We then looked at various costumes. They were not supposed to be out of silk but rather heavy fabrics, which restrain the actresses, force them into their roles and at the same time describe the sociology of their characters. I also wanted pockets for the costume of the female painter, even though others told me it would be anachronistic or too modern. Fact is that pockets existed back then and that they vanished in the 19th century. The ‘femme bourgeoise’ [T: middle-class woman] was invented, and fashion went backwards. I liked the idea of this silhouette, which was even accurate. That is our job: We try to give a presence to these women from back then.

[T: Omitted Q&A about how the actresses were recruited, it mentions the circulation of gazes between the three, the physical and psychological contrast between Adèle and Noémie, Céline describes them both as strong, intense, determined and courageous actresses, she also wanted to create an iconic and fresh couple; see here or here]

I: You spoke about the ‘circulation of gazes’. Between the actresses there are short and long gazes, shy and curious ones. How did you conceptualise this ‘ballet of gazes’?

CS: That was already in the script, especially the rhythm of the gazes, when they look at each other. The actresses were very much aware about that. It’s not about dictating what they have to do. But it’s rather a way to start the conversation, to show their connection or communicate their intentions. They have to ‘dance’. I call it a collection of gazes. As you already said: We have this gaze, we have that gaze. It changes with every scene. And it shows how good the actresses are. If it’s in the script, then the actresses are very, very good [T: this was weirdly worded]. Otherwise they might suggest something that doesn’t fit. You have to see straight away that they desire each other. And it’s brilliant how they do it.

I: I liked the beginning of the film, when Marianne jumps out of the boat to retrieve her large case. A woman isn’t supposed to do that, so it shows that Marianne is different than others…

CS: And the film also shows that: She is not a woman who follows the rules. She jumps into the water to get her things. The important thing is: The film also jumps into the water. The camera also dives in, we swim with her. That’s two pieces of information: This character will be an active one, and the film will join this jump. [T: Also see here]

I: There are only women on the island…

CS: No – we just don’t show the men.

I: The island seems like a refuge or even a utopia.

CS: Yes – that’s true. In cinema, it is about what you decide to show in the picture. I didn’t want to show men, because then it would have been about the pressure and dominance that existed back then and still does. We now look at what is possible, at the potential of the women. You can also call it utopia, but these are not imaginary futuristic dreams, it is based on life experiences, maybe on a higher level, if it was more based on reciprocity. And political utopia – there has to be a place, where the economy doesn’t determine everything, where there is no sexism or racism. These places exist, in families, communities, maybe in a city. This culture has to grow. This utopia arises from experiences that we make and transform to ideas.

[T: Omitted Q&A about the cinematography of Portrait, but see here or here]

—

Interview with director Céline Sciamma (extracts)

Sportello745, moviebreak.de, 9th of October 2019

[…] Interviewer: In your debut film ‘Water Lilies’ you contrast the uncontainable, awakening hormones of the main character with a perfectly synchronised swimming team. In which way does the landscape characterise the emotions in your new film?

Céline Sciamma: In Water Lilies, it was about what’s on the surface and what’s hidden below. I guess, even with synchronised swimming it’s less about control but more about what you don’t see and the effort you have to make underneath. I don’t think I rely on symbolism too much, I get often asked about the meaning of, for example, colours. That’s not really how I think, I try to embody certain things and be less metaphoric. But maybe in this film the tension is between love and art and beauty. The landscape does fit into this tension very much. [T: Also see here or here for Water Lilies]

I: Did the paintings that you researched have any influence on the language of the film, and if yes, which paintings in particular?

CS: Yes, they did. It was especially the self portraits of female painters, because these pictures were quite different from what you would expect. There was a specific painting, which was actually not from the 18th century but from the 17th century, it was from a woman called Judith Leyster, a [T: Dutch; also see here]. Her work was misattributed to her husband. In the picture, you can see her painting, she smiles, you can see her teeth. I have never seen something like that. It helped me to be courageous, which means it made us invent something new and not be scared of being unconventional. That is exactly the kind of female contribution to art history: When Virginia Woolf writes, she reinvents literature, she revolutionises it [T: also see here or here]. When Chantal Akerman films ‘Jeanne Dielman’, it is a revolution for cinema [T: also see here, here or here]. The voices of women are not only limited to ‘Hey, we have a little story to tell’, but it is always about reinventing art. It is about creating something new instead of the same old. […]

I: When did Marianne paint the eponymous ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’ in your opinion, shortly after her encounter on the island or many years later?

CS: I think, she painted it a couple of years later. That is her memory. When I commissioned the painting, I originally wanted to have 20 frames, maybe even that Marianne’s whole work is based on this moment. A kind of ‘usual suspects’ situation, where everyone reappears. But this moment [T: at the bonfire] is definitely the matrix for what she will do next, and I think, [T: the painting] was made years later […].

I: At the end of the film the love story between the two is ‘concluded’. On the one hand, the ending is bittersweet, because the love has been immortalised in a painting. On the other hand, it is also quite sad, we see Héloïse crying. It felt as if this great piece of art, which tells the story of the two women, can never be exchanged for the love that was lost. What do you think?

CS: We tried to spark a dynamic where the end of the love story doesn’t mean that they spend eternity together or die. It was about getting rid of the sentiment that the victory of love is mutual possession. Their love for each other made them curious about love itself and art. For me, the last scene addresses how art deeply affects us and how love makes us more emotional towards beauty. […] At the end, Héloïse feels the music she would never have felt if she had not loved. Love as curation for being curious about the future, about art, about beauty. That for me is a positive dynamic, even though it is heartbreaking, which was on purpose. At the end, both women are more open, and that is the dynamic of emancipation, which I love. And it is positive to talk about it.

—

Sciamma: ‘I want to show images of daily life that are missing’ (extracts)

Patricia Batlle, NDR.de, 29th of October 2019

Interviewer: You had a very lively screening of your film ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’. There were standing ovations from the audience, and there was an animated conversation with you and the lead actresses Adèle Haenel and Noémie Merlant. Were you surprised to be so warmly welcomed in Northern Germany?

Céline Sciamma: It’s funny because you are sometimes cautioned that other countries have a less welcoming culture, but not to take it personally. So you prepare for different types of audiences. But then the reception in Hamburg was really, really warm. It doesn’t surprise me, because I believe that film is a nation, that film culture is unique and unites the viewers [T: PORTRAIT NATION FTW]. A cinema is sometimes like a country. I travel around a lot with the film and I feel the warmth, this fire in the cinema across countries. […]

I: You address topics like menstruation and abortion that are rarely shown in cinema – especially not in love films.

CS: Yes, why is that? That is crazy! This clearly is part of the pleasure of the film, part of its political intention. To show images that are missing, although these are images of daily life. Our story should put our audience on an emotional rollercoaster, where the images have an unusual relationship with the story and are surprising. That is the power of new images.

I: Four women play an important role in your film, men are on the sideline. The names of the women stand out all the more. The self-confident painter is called Marianne. The name is synonymous for the Republic of France – was this on purpose?

CS: I have to admit: I didn’t think about that. I didn’t think about the Marianne of the Republic, when I wrote the script. The names of all my characters are related. In my debut film ‘Water Lilies’ my main character was called Marie, in ‘Girlhood’ she was called Marieme, and here she is called Marianne. It’s like a thread that runs from film to film. But it’s true: It is France! I like the fact that you noticed this. (laughs) […]

—

Articles:

https://www.filmdienst.de/artikel/38732/interview-celine-sciamma-zu-portrat-einer-jungen-frau-in-flammen

https://www.moviebreak.de/features/interview-mit-regisseurin-celine-sciamma/item?item=2

https://www.ndr.de/kultur/film/Sciamma-ueber-Portraet-einer-jungen-Frau-in-Flammen,frauinflammen106.html

Picture sources: [1], [2]

#Filmdienst.de #moviebreak.de #NDR.de #Céline Sciamma #Portrait of a Lady on Fire #October-November 2019 #German interview #These were the remaining Portrait interviews #in German #That's that #Time well spent #My translation #long post

[hecohansen31]

Not The Right Time

The Story Of How Everything Went On:

Ivar+Reader (Modern! AU).

(Masterlist) (Previous Chapter)

(A/N): Hello there, lovelies!

This chapter is mostly a filler, because I wasn’t emotionally and physically ready to write what comes next, hence I felt like I still had to give out some infos, mostly about Ivar’s family and Reader’s feelings.

I really hope that you’ll enjoy it, although it isn’t a proper fullfilling chapter!

As always: FEEDBACK IS VERY VERY USEFUL!

Us writers don’t write for you certainly, but we do pubblish stuff for you, hence a simple comment or a reblog with something written might CHANGE  a person’s day.

You are never annoying and us writers treasure your comments (they might out heart beat and our fingers write faster).

SUMMARY: New revelations and new act of faiths might get you more confused about your newborn feelings for the father of your child.

WORDS: 9, 4 K

WARNINGS: Pregnancy, Unexpected Pregnancy, Pregnancy at a Young Age, Mention of Abortion (and Being Harsh About it), Heartbreak and General Angst, Abandonement Issues and Being A Single Mom, Mention of Infertility, Talk about Custody Battles and Custody, Fighting and Angst, Use of The Word Cripple.

Ivar had never had much luck with women.

But he had been blessed with a beautiful mother.

Aslaug was someone who would cherish her sons to the end of the world, blessed with four of them.

But they had not been four normal boys, but four constantly fighting men who wouldn’t hesitate a moment to give her an heart attack.

And although many more times it was Hvitserk, the bearer of bad news, this time it had to be him.

And what he might have to tell was worse than Hvitserk that time he had decided to open a bakery with his father’s money.

So, he thought it would have been better to tell her that he had a child, when she was sat down.

“Mom” he called out to her, as she moved around the kitchen checking that dishes were in their proper places and made sure sure that not a single crumb of bread was left in her kitchen.

She had always been a bit of a clean freak, but it had grown worse once they had all moved out of the house, mostly because of the fact that sadly she hadn’t much to do, having been an housewife all her life, although lately she had started to care for her garden.

And her roses looked the absolute prettiest.

He had thought that Eric would have loved playing there.

He might have suggested maybe getting it fixed with a swing or a soccer field for his son and his nephews, he was sure that Ubbe would have backed him up on that, although he was sure that he would have certainly gawked at the mention that Ivar had a child.

A child that wasn’t Freydis’.

A child that was with you, his best friend and high school sweetheart.

Yeah, he was sure that Aslaug would have had a heart attack, upon hearing it.

She had already had one when he had announced his engagement to Freydis.

She had come to him, meanwhile all the others congratulated Freydis and although she hadn’t explicitly told him that she didn’t approve it, she had tried to question him about it.

‘Are you sure, sweetheart?’

‘Because you are both so young’.

‘… and you haven’t been with each other for such a long time’.

‘Mom, you ran away with dad just a few days after you had met him’ he had interrupted her, not fully understanding why his own mother among all the people wouldn’t support his happiness.

‘Yes, that I did’ her face had scrunched up in a grimace ‘… and I have regretted it for the entire time. I just… I just wouldn’t want you the same mistake I did’.

And now he had to tell her that he had a five-year-old child, with another woman.

Well, she certainly would have been surprised.

Once she was sure there weren’t anything outside of its rightful place, she sat down onto the table, inviting him to do the same, as she interlaced her fingers with his, excited to know what her youngest was up to.

They had always been quite attached to the other, and he couldn’t picture his small family without her.

Hence, he had to confess her two things.

“… you remember that I and Freydis have been trying to have a child, right?” he started, thinking that this would be far less a surprise than him admitting that he had put a baby in you.

Aslaug already looked like she knew exactly where this was going.

She had always been far smarter than she let on.

She was the one reason why Ragnar hadn’t died in his thirties.

And why all her sons had reached maturity.

This honestly gave her amazing powers.

And he trusted her judgement.

“Freydis is pregnant, the last lab sample worked”.

Although Aslaugh didn’t look amazingly happy, she still smiled softly, as she brought him in a soft hug, kissing his forehead and congratulating him, glad to have more grandchildren, which had quickly become the joy of her life.

She had already loved Ubbe-but-truly-they-were-Bjorn’s child, and she had been trying to convince her still-single sons to settle down and give her more grandchildren.

(‘I might have already’ had mumbled Hvitserk, with a small smirk, before Aslaug had slapped him on the head and gave him a lesson on condoms).

(Ivar might have needed it, too).

So, even if she didn’t like Freydis, she would have loved her grandchild.

“Is Freydis alright?” she asked, moving with a full-on questioning “… has she already gone to some visits? Do you know the gender?”.

“Mom, she’s barely a few months along!” he tried to calm her down, although he was happy that his mother was so so excited about it.

“Sorry sweetie, but you know when I was pregnant with Ubbe that it’d be a boy” she commented softly “… hasn’t she felt anything? Has she?”.

“… and that isn’t the only news I have for you”.

And now came the hard part.

And Aslaug immediately noticed his uneasiness, and her hands moved away from his, as they gently caressed his face to make him stare at her in the eyes, trying to search them to understand what was going on in his mind.

She had always been extremely good at understanding him before even him himself.

But he honestly was sure that she would have never guessed the other news.

She had seen your relationship with you coming, and she had encouraged him to follow his crush.

Still she had tried to keep herself away from meddling with it, pushing herself in a rather cold attitude with you that had made you many times question yourself.

‘Are you sure that your mother doesn’t hate me’ you had questioned him once, when you had come to his house to hang out.

‘No, she just doesn’t like people’ he had replied, as he had tried to get you to sit on his lap, to calm you down.

‘… now I know where you got that’ you had mumbled, as you had finally allowed him to wrap his arms softly around your waist ‘… but still… I really hope that she doesn’t think badly of me’.

‘You shouldn’t worry of anybody’s opinion…’ he had muttered, as he had lightly shifted your hair to the side to kiss your neck ‘… except mine’.

‘But… I’m worried, about her opinion… I don’t want you to…’.

‘Sweetheart calm down!’ he had mumbled, kissing softly your lips ‘… nobody will make me change my mind’.

Yeah, that hadn’t been exactly true.

And he hated himself for it.

You were right in hating him.

Although lately you had been rather cordial towards each other and he would have dared saying that you were almost friends.

In the end he appreciated that you were nice with him for Eric’s sake.

“… mom I hope… this is something that is new also to me, but… I have a child” Aslaug looked at him confused, almost as if she expected him to either joke or clarify himself “… you remember (Y/N), right?”.

“Such a sweetheart” her smile pushed their tips in a light smirk “… but what does she have to do with all of this?”.

“I have a child with her” all the color was suddenly drained by Aslaug’s face “… we had sex on prom night, and I got her pregnant… and she didn’t tell me about the child till a few weeks ago”.

“Ivar Axel Lothbrock!” she exclaimed loudly, as she jumped up from the chair, which fell off because of the suddenness “… I didn’t think that this would be happening with you!”.

“Mom, calm down” Ivar tried to keep her quiet, not wanting his brothers to know about it, till he had talked it out firstly with his mother “… don’t strain yourself”.

“I thought it might happen with Hvitserk, I mean that boy… is a pest, but… you?!”.

“I know that I disappointed you” this seemed to calm her down, as she turned to face Ivar, who had ducked his down, incased between his shoulder blades, as if it weighted onto them.

“I am… just… surprised” she mumbled “… for how long have you hidden this from me?”.

“Not long, a month max, but… to my defense, I also discovered it recently” Ivar explained, as he felt his mom calming down a bit, as if she realized this situation wouldn’t go away.

So, she’d better accepting it quickly.

“You know that I and (Y/N)  didn’t leave each other on the best terms…” because as much as you might have been heartbroken by him, he had been ten times grumpier than usually at your refusal of being contacted by him, after the ‘break-up’.

Now that he had calmed down, he thought that you had just done the best thing you could have done to protect yourself.

You were still doing it, whenever you’d retract from him, once the conversation between you two got too personal.

“… she hid the pregnancy because she was sure that I didn’t want to be a father, and… she has then moved away”.

“Yeah yeah, I remember, I was honestly surprised that they’d be moving, but I guess she just needed a bit of time and to get away” mused Aslaug, almost as if she knew herself “… does the baby…?”:

“Yeah, he was born with osteogenesis” he explained, his mother’s face softening, as she lightly retreated from him, almost hurt by it, and he thought honestly the worst of everything.

“… poor boy” she mumbled “… and poor (Y/N), things like this aren’t easy, even more when you are a single mother”.

And Ivar understood that she spoke from experience.

And that was what was making her so emotional.

It was like going through it again.

“She is very strong and she has taken care of him amazingly” he explained softly, trying to calm his mother, as Aslaug moved again closer, her eyes slightly shiny “… he is five… we are trying to set up this thing to be able to give him both a father and a mother”.

“Do you have a picture?” Aslaug’s voice was choked, and Ivar hurried to get his phone out “… I really would like to see my grandchild”.

He didn’t want to break her heart correcting her that he wasn’t sure you’d be approving of her calling Eric ‘her grandchild’ when you already had difficulties in accepting that Eric called him ‘dad’ now.

But for the moment, he had already had a rather traumatic discourse with his mother.

So, he got his phone out and showed him a few pictures of Eric he had taken from the last time they had hanged out together, at a park, where Eric had tried out a few goalkeeper’s moves with his dad, under your watchful gaze, although you had given the two boys a bit of alone time, going to grab a few things in the nearby stores.

In the photo Eric was standing on the bench, adjusting his braces, as he waved at Ivar.

And they also had one that you had taken of them together, after Eric pleaded you so that he could show ‘how cool his dad was’ to all his friends, something that had made you grimace a bit, but he had teared up a bit.

And so, did Aslaug as she saw it.

“… Gosh, he looks so adorable!” she commented, as she brought an hand to her mouth in surprise, a bit smile still appearing on it “… he seems a lot like you, when you were younger”.

“I do agree, but not the entire personality… you won’t believe it, but… he is all smiles and sweet words” he mumbled as Aslaug laughed lightly, looking at her son, before a bright light shone on her face.

And Ivar got worried.

“You should invite her for Thanksgiving” it wasn’t a proposal, it was an order “… she was always such a nice girl, well-mannered and sweet… I was surprised when she distanced herself…”.

“… mom, calm down” he told her “… we might have child together, but that doesn’t mean that we are together and that she’ll want to meet you”.

Honestly, his mother had been more excited about (Y/N) than Freydis.

And it was worrying that he too honestly had been also excited at the thought of you and Eric spending Thanksgiving with his family.

Like a true family.

Aslaug looked like a child who had been denied candies.

“Sweetie…” she softened her tone “… I understand the situation, but I’d like to meet my grandchild, obviously with her consent”.

He thought that asking you, wouldn’t have been certainly a bad idea.

Although he was already seeing your denial.

But worst of all: what would have Freydis thought about it?

Although she hadn’t made a huge deal anymore about Eric and you, preferring to just sweep the entire thing under the carpet, and focusing on her own pregnancy, she certainly wouldn’t have been too happy of this.

Even more when she had also been able to sense that Aslaug didn’t like her in the slightest.

But unlike you, she hadn’t bothered trying to impress Aslaug in the slightest.

She certainly respected her, but that was the end of it for her.

She had had Ivar in the end.

“… I’ll ask her, still don’t get your hopes too high” he tried to shut her expectations down, but Aslaug honestly looked like she had been given her Christmas’ gift before time.

“Ahhh, I already can’t believe that my youngest gave me a grandchild first” she commented, already too lost in her thoughts with a beautiful smile on her face “… can’t believe that he is also a sweetheart, don’t you have more photos with him?”.

And he let her watch a few more, before he caught somebody on the entrance of the kitchen, realizing that it was Sigurd, who sent him a rather dark look, as if saying ‘I want to talk with you’.

He left his mother, with the promise of telling her more about Eric, as he moved to join his brother for what he thought would be another sparring of wits, but Sigurd looked much more determined than usual.

“You got her pregnant?” he asked, and before Ivar knew it, his brother had quickly backed him up into a wall “… as if it wasn’t enough already breaking her heart”.

“You have no business in this, brother” he tried to advise him, molding his tone to be the coldest “… believe me”.

“No, I fucking have a lot of business in this…” he spoke, overcoming his voice, definitely bothered by all of this “… she used to be my best friend, and she fucking left the city, because you ruined her life!”.

“I didn’t ruin her life” he replied harshly, trying to push Sigurd away from him.

“Oh yeah… have you any idea how heartbroken she must have been for the fucking heartless joke you played on her, years ago? And think all of this multiplied because she got a baby from you, and baby that she took care on her own”.

Sigurd wasn’t wrong.

But if there was one thing that Ivar couldn’t stand in the slightest, was being put in front of his mistakes.

And being blamed so outwardly for it didn’t help you in the slightest.

“… it isn’t my fault that she didn’t tell me” he tried to reply, but it wasn’t of much help.

“I don’t blame her for that” Sigurd sneered at him “… I wouldn’t also to have a fucking screw up like you around my child”.

Ivar lurched for him, but he wasn’t able to do much, instead stumbling onto and almost falling in his face, barely able to see his brother running away from him.

But his words echoed in his head.

Because in the end…

… he wasn’t wrong.

---

You tried to adapt yourself to the thought of having to spend an entire day without Eric.

Which was something that you hadn’t had since you had become a mother.

And honestly, it scared you to death.

You had never been too far away from your child, at least not for an entire day, because no matter how tired you were, you’d stop at Eric’s room to kiss him and check on him.

And now you’d have to give him over for an entire day to Ivar.

You honestly didn’t want to do such thing, in the slightest.

He had suggested it, after it had been quite some time that he and Eric met and spent time, together.

Enough to convince you that he’d stay in Eric’s life.

And yours.

But yet, your irrational fears as a mother didn’t ease your mind and you felt horridly hollow at the sole thought of having to say goodbye to Eric, who was getting his backpack ready for the following day.

He had been so excited to spend the whole day and night with his dad that he had been counting down the days, constantly talking about what they’d do and how much ice cream he’d eat.

And you had had to send Ivar various texts on not letting Eric guilt-trip him into letting him eat what he wanted.

‘He’s very very cute, but you don’t have to give in to him’ and then you had followed up with ‘… you can do it, I have survived five years of this and so can you’.

You were also a bit worried for Freydis, mostly because as much as Ivar trusted her, she was a stranger to you.

A stranger whose life you were ‘sabotaging’.

So. you were honestly worried about her being the typical ‘evil stepmother’ although Ivar had reassured you that she didn’t mind Eric.

But you knew how women worked.

They said they ‘didn’t mind it’ and then they were storms.

And you didn’t want your son to be caught in the eye of the cyclone.

You had called her the previous day to check in with her, although you had been scared shitless of approaching her, not wanting to seem either demanding or a homewrecker.

She had sounded extremely calm on the phone, but she hadn’t seemed to mind it all too much truly, although she had been sharply gentle with you, impatient to close the conversation but she hadn’t certainly closed the phone in your face, which meant that she wanted to keep a conversation between you, two.

For which you were grateful.

But you were giving her your most treasured possession, your son.

And you hoped she would treat him the best.

And part of you was jealous of how fast your son had latched on Ivar.

Although you shouldn’t have been surprised.

He was his father, after all.

Even though you weren’t sure that being this close to Ivar was helpful or a good thing, in general.

Old emotions had been awakened since Ivar had come back in your life.

You knew that you shouldn’t have felt so so ashamed of the flames of your previous relationship still burning in your chest, but it was so strong that you weren’t able to shake it off, even more when Ivar was such a good father for Eric.

You were trying to shift your emotion behind that reason, but you knew that your old attraction was burning up again and you didn’t want for it brew more inside of your mind.

Although there weren’t many solutions.

Except pushing yourself in work and trying to breath new air.

Which was why you were also low key thankful of having been allowed a bit of free air from Eric, grateful that you’d be able to spend the afternoon with Sigurd, who had been asking you for a few days for a private meeting between you two.

‘It’s been too long since we last see each other, and now that we are in the same city, it’d be a shame for us to waste more space apart’.

And then Angelika had been already ordering a private booth in a small club, to pass the night as true single moms.

And although you didn’t want any quick hook-up, meeting new people might do you good.

At least to break the spell that Ivar had set on you.

Again.

You tried to ease the anxiety in your chest, as you finished folding Eric’s clothes, going to check out on him as you found him trying to push a few of his favorite toys in the already too big backpack.

“Are you sure that you’ll need all these toys?” you asked softly, with a small smirk, brightened by seeing that Eric hadn’t changed yet.

Change scared mothers, because it was a sign of growing up and your sunshine-beauty of a child, would soon be a grumpy teenager and even sooner, he’d be a man leaving your house.

And as much as you understood that it was normal and healthy, you’d miss your sweet boy.

“Yeah! Of course! I want to show dad all the cool stuff I have!” he muttered as if it was the most natural thing ever with Ivar’s determination shining in his eyes.

“Ahhh I don’t think that you’d need still to bring to dad your Avengers’ tower” you mumbled softly, fishing out the huge toy that didn’t allow his backpack to close, making him pout at you “… or maybe we could stuff it in another backpack?”.

“Yeah, I think that is the best option” he replied softly, with a thoughtful expression that made you push a few strands away from his face, as you raised lightly his chin to look at him in the eyes.

“You know that I love you more than everything in the universe?” you asked softly, crooking an eyebrow at him, who immediately moved to hug tightly your middle, as he smashed his face roughly on your stomach.

But you needed that contact.

And you were already on the verge of your tears.

“… you are my mom, of course I love you!” he mumbled, his voice lightly muffled by your clothes.

You wanted to tell him that you weren’t sure that he’d think that when he was some angsty teenager, but for now you beamed in your child’s sweetness, hoping that it’d stick with you for quite a bit.

At least it did brighten your day.

You moved to separate the toys that you would have to put in the new backpack, as you tried to remind him what he had to do when he arrived home.

‘Don’t forget to give Freydis the gift’ you reminded him, as you made sure that he had taken it, finding the small picture frame you had gotten her, as a peace offer ‘… and if you don’t feel comfortable, all you have to do is ask your dad to call me, ok?’.

‘Okie dokie, mom’ he muttered with a fake-annoyed tone, which made you smirk lightly at him, as you rushed to him to tickle him.

‘Did you just roll your eyes to me, young boy’ you teased him, as he tried to escape your grip, but you were stronger and eventually he just gave up, begging for forgiveness as you erupted in laughter.

‘… mom…’ he called out to you, as you both laid out on the bed ‘… I’ll miss you’.

You had to breathe deeply to stop yourself from crying, but eventually as you spoke up, your voice was still choked.

‘… I’ll miss you too, lovely’.

And then you rushed to finish getting ready, rushing to your car, as you helped Eric in the braces, making sure to have his pain medicine, a small note attached to it, although you had no doubt that Ivar was familiar with at least half of it.

You knew that he wouldn’t put Eric in harm’s way.

But still… mommy’s instincts were tough to fight.

As you arrived at Ivar’s apartment, you weren’t able to stop yourself from starting to panic internally, something that Eric probably felt, gripping your hand tighter to comfort you, something for which you were grateful.

You moved to the proper apartment, taking in the beautiful design of the house, much more expensive that the shithole you lived in, and much bigger, something that made you question as always if you had been stupid in denying Eric the life that Ivar could have offered him.

You were brought back by this as the door of the apartment opened to reveal a pretty blonde woman, dressed in a rather elegant assemble that complimented her lean body, matching her natural color.

You were honestly feeling a potato in your comfortable jeans and the hoodie of your high school.

“You must be (Y/N)” you nodded, almost as if it had been an order, although the blonde woman had been extremely gentle, a soft smile on her lips as she looked at Eric, who had moved behind you, trying to hide himself, a bit shy “… and you must be Eric, Ivar has told me a lot about you! Please enter”.

“Ahh thank you!” you mumbled softly, indeed coming inside, as you led Eric with you, trying to coo him out of his shyness bubble “… and please excuse Eric… he is a sweetheart, but a shy one”.

“Totally got that from his father” replied gently Freydis, no sign of the woman that had considered Eric’s baggage in sight, but you still didn’t feel comfortable talking with her alone.

“Is Ivar… out?” you didn’t want to sound annoying or demanding, but you wouldn’t have left Eric with her, because although she seemed the gentlest sweetheart, you didn’t know her fully.

Not as you did with Ivar.

“He is in his study, got a call at the very last minute” she explained, with a light huff “… always at his phone… that man”.

“He isn’t one for much fun” you joined in, remembering that about him also in high school “… all business and no pleasure… if I remember, right?”.

“That’s my fiancé” Freydis giggled and although she hadn’t meant anything harsher in her tone, her words were definitely sharp and cutting.

Telling you that Ivar was her fiancé although he might be Eric’s dad.

“… don’t worry, it won’t take too much” she then added, looking also at Eric, who had finally exited his shell and was looking at her with questioning eyes, wanting to definitely meet his dad and play games “… in the meanwhile, please do sit! And can I get you a drink?”.

“Ahem… no, I am actually meeting with a friend, for a coffee, but thank you”.

Polite and curtsy small talk, meaning nothing, because you couldn’t help but feel that, although Freydis wasn’t being actively mean with you, you were walking on a mined camp.

But Eric took in the offer of sitting, mostly because he wasn’t used to standing up too long after he had been sat in the car, plumping down on a chair with such noise that you couldn’t help but send him a reprimanding look, worried of what Freydis might think of that, but she was on the kitchen counter, pouring a bit of water for herself.

There weren’t much traces of her pregnancy, but a slight roundness on her, with her looking like the portrait of the ‘perfect and radiant pregnant woman’, whereas your pregnancy had been quite tough on you.

And as much as you were a bit jealous of her, you couldn’t help but be glad that she was having a nice pregnancy, because you knew how much of a mental and physical toll it could be.

Although it was absolutely worth in the end.

“… congratulations, by the way! I hope you won’t mind me saying it, but Ivar told me the great news” she wasn’t able to hide the surprise in his eyes, and you softened a bit more your tone “… the first three months are the rougher, believe me”.

And then you got used to feeling like a beached whale.

“… I really hope, I haven’t been sleeping a morning without…” and then she shot a slight look at Eric.

“I can’t truly believe it! You look stunning!” you tried to reassure her, avoiding thinking about the strangeness of this entire thing “… believe me when I was pregnant with this little monster, he wouldn’t let me do much more than to stand on the sofa”.

She laughed softly, and you couldn’t help but see why Ivar had fallen in love with her: she was a nice soft breeze of air, and he honestly deserved it, after everything that had gone through his life.

“… mom!” complained Eric, sending you an embarrassed look, as you and Freydis laughed softly.

And then he remembered about the gift, quickly getting it out of his backpack as he moved to reach Freydis halfway, who crouched down to the boy’s height and thanked him when she received the wrapped gift.

She unwrapped it quickly, as you held your breath, hoping she’d like it and wouldn’t treat your boy as her own Cinderella once you were out of the door.

She was extremely surprised by it, and seemed to quite like it, kissing Eric’s cheek to thank him, as he blushed redder, something that immediately reminded you of Ivar.

Who, almost as if he had been summoned, entered the room, in that moment.

Eric’s eyes immediately brightened as he rushed to him, making Ivar smirk as he brought him up in a swirling hug, which made you and Freydis screech in horror, both worried for your boys.

But then Ivar settled him down, smacking a sound kiss on his face as Eric washed it off, acting as ‘a true man’.

You’d have to have a talk with Eric about toxic masculinity.

“… hey champ!” Ivar mused, before he saluted you softly, shooting a small look at Freydis to check in with her, and she smiled stretching the smile on her face, as she tried to busy herself to move away, leaving you a bit of privacy “… sorry for being late, I had an urgent phone call”.

“Don’t worry” you shut him off slightly, because today you’d be trying to extinguish the small flames he had left in your heart “… I have left a change in his backpack, but if you need anything, my mom is at home and if you have any questions, you have my phone number…”.

“Gotcha, (Y/N)” he mumbled with a wicked look in his eyes.

“I am not being overbearing” you replied tightly, as he simply sent you a sarcastic look “… try having a child and then we’ll see, and I really hope it won’t turn in a girl or you won’t ever let her date”.

“Of course, I won’t… I know how horrible boys can be” and you couldn’t help but realize that he was talking about himself “… but in the meanwhile, get some fun, mother hen”.

“Please don’t lose my child” you teased him and he simply sent you an annoyed look, before it softened up once Eric asked him whether he could have ice cream, and Ivar agreed, ignoring blatantly your suggestion “… I’ll think about you as I sleep peacefully, meanwhile you are cursed with a little sugar-high demon”.

“Your mom just has the best humor, doesn’t she?” retorted Ivar as he and Eric shared a conspiratorial look, and you could just pout softly at them both.

“Ok, now I’ll go, and I’ll leave you to your male bonding” you gently mocked them “… have a nice time and you got my number”.

“Don’t worry, just have a relaxing day” he mumbled softly with a small look “… and if you have a quiet moment, tomorrow when you come and pick him up we could grab a coffee, I have a thing to ask you”.

Which spurred on your anxiety, but you nodded, giving one last kiss at Eric, who wiped it away trying to appear all tough again, but his eyes didn’t leave you till the door closed behind you.

The sound was so shocking that it hit you.

You wouldn’t have your son for an entire day, and it was already crushing your soul.

In the end you ran away, trying to think that you’d see him tomorrow.

And that right now you had a friend to meet.

And you hoped that’d make you feel better.

---

And how wrong were you.

Sigurd had arrived lightly late and from the start you had been able to catch the fact that he was nervous, but you had thought he was simply scared of meeting a friend he hadn’t seen in quite a bit of time.

And then you realized that he was actually irritated.        

And after the usual ‘hey how are you’ ‘long time no see’, he had gotten down to business.

“Why didn’t you tell me that Ivar and you had a child?”.

And you were taken aback, wondering how he had discovered it.

Ivar hadn’t told you anything, about having told his family about Eric.

You had both agreed upon not telling his brothers, although he had told you that he had wanted to communicate it to his mother, alongside Freydis’ pregnancy.

‘If she gets an heartattack don’t blame it on me’ you had muttered it when he had explained you his decision, and he had simply smirked back.

“… Sigurd… we weren’t on talking terms” you explained softly, because it was the truth.

Not only, since you had discovered of the pregnancy, you had distanced yourself from the Lothbrock family, but you were sure that if you had told anything to Sigurd he wouldn’t have been able to keep his mouth shut.

And you hadn’t wanted Ivar to know about your pregnancy, back then.

Sigurd had been one of your best friends back then, but he hadn’t also reached out to you when you had started distancing yourself after Ivar had broken your heart, so it wasn’t completely your fault and you told him to intimating him to lower his voice.

“… I came here to have a nice coffee with a friend who I haven’t seen in a lot of time” you explained, your voice grounding him back to reality “… not to be insulted for choices that he had no business in”.

That seemed to get to him, and he apologized with a dark look of sadness on his face.

Although he and Ivar were at each other’s throat 24/7, they were so so damnably similar that you understood completely why they constantly fought against each other.

They had both this pendant to assume the worst about others.

“… I am sorry, I just…” he looked at his hands to shift his gaze away from you “… I am shocked, I didn’t expect… that to happen… I mean… it’s Ivar… he has…”.

“Believe me, Sigurd, it worked, at least once” you commented, knowing where he was going at “… I have a lot of proof of it, if you are asking for confirmation”.

“No no, I know that, don’t worry” mumbled glowing red Sigurd “… it is just that… I mean… I just can’t believe that he got lucky enough to have a son with you and that… and that you chose not to let him know”.

“Sigurd, he told me that he didn’t love me, anymore” you explained to him “… that child was mine, and not his”.

“Then why are you allowing him to see Eric?” he inquired, with a raised brow.

“… because he is his father, as much as Ivar broke my heart” you explained and although at first you had found it difficult to say it, now it was as natural as breathing “… I don’t think that I need Ivar to raise Eric, but… I can’t hide him for ever, and Eric deserves to know”.

Sigurd nodded, as he seemed to think about it, before he finally let out a breath.

“I just… I just hoped he hadn’t chosen to break your heart” he mumbled, and you couldn’t help but agree “… like it’d have been nice to have you in our family and not that gold digger”.

“Sigurd!” you reprimanded him, immediately, with a rather harsh look at him.

“Oh c’mon! They have been together for a few months and she was like ‘let’s get married’ and then ‘let’s have a child’ “ mumbled annoyedly Sigurd.

“… or maybe she simply loves him” you commented, as Sigurd sent you a disbelieving look.

“… or she loves his money” he corrected you.

“Are you saying this because it is the truth? Or because you are jealous of Ivar?” you joked softly, kicking him under the table “… because if he is happy, you shouldn’t be this grumpy”.

“Are you seriously happy that he is moving on and making a family with somebody else?”.

The question stole your hair from your lungs, but you tried not to show it to him.

“… yes, of course, Sigurd!” you mumbled, trying to hype up your energy “… we were high school sweethearts, but an entire life has passed since then, I do understand that he has moved on. And I have, too”.

Except you hadn’t.

But you had to.

“I still think that he is a fucking idiot for leaving you” grumped out Sigurd, as he lowered his eyes, but some semblance of peace was regained, as you finally managed to shift the discourse away from Ivar’s stupidity.

Sigurd wanted to see Eric and you were more than happy to show him through photos, as he informed you that his mother did indeed know of Eric and was excited about the news and you couldn’t help but find it difficult to picture Mrs. Lothbrock excited.

She had always had this haughty air about her that made you feel at extreme unease with her, even more when you had started sneaking around with Ivar and each time she caught you in the house, she’d look at you with this stare ‘I know how badly you corrupted my son’.

You hadn’t thought that she’d have been ecstatic of knowing that you and Ivar had been irresponsible enough to have a child, but according to Sigurd, she wanted to meet her ‘grandchildren’.

Which brought literal chills to move down your spine.

You appreciated that she wanted to be involved, but at the same time… it was just too much.

And you had been glad when Sigurd had shifted the theme of the conversation onto himself, and you were all too happy to be distracted by his horrifying music career, as you teased him for it.

But this coffee left a bad taste in your mouth.

Because suddenly Eric wasn’t anymore your secret.

And as much as you were glad for more people around you…

… it also meant they might leave you.

And you’d be heartbroken again.

But it’d be worse now, because they’d also leave Eric heartbroken.

---

In the end Ivar found out that you were right: Eric was a monster after having eaten ice cream as an afternoon snack and after dinner, but Ivar honestly knew that he couldn’t deny his child much.

At least to make up for the lost time.

They had played all afternoon, after he had threatened Heahmund to tell him to avoid bothering him with anything work-related for the rest of the day, since he wanted to play with his son.

And played they did, going even outside in the small apartment’s private garden to try out some soccer moves, as Freydis got everything ready, pointedly avoiding to look at them, together.

What she didn’t say, except with her eyes was ‘… I don’t have a problem with your bastard, but I don’t want to be part of this… at least for now’.

But he had been rather thankful for your gentleness with Freydis and for the respect he had felt between you two.

He hadn’t honestly expected for it to go this well, so he wasn’t certainly going to complain.

Although he was tired, wanting to straight up go to bed, after he had managed to make Eric fall asleep, he still did his best to adjust the mess of toys in the sitting room, before he joined Freydis in their bed.

She was finishing up getting ready, dosing her body with her usual lotions, a soft smile filling the room in a rather pleasing matter, immediately relaxing him as he moved to the bed, keeping his keen eyes on her.

She was slender, maybe a bit more than you could ever be, and graceful enough that nothing in her seemed out of place, and she was damnably beautiful.

But strangely, she had no effect on him.

Although he had noticed her for her beauty when she had accidentally smashed a cup of coffee on him, as she was rushing to her first day of work, he couldn’t get further than that.

She was beautiful, sweet and gentle.

But at the same time there was almost a block between him and her.

And he hoped that the marriage and the baby might help him developing this relationship further, because right now he felt stuck.

And he knew that Freydis was feeling it too.

Even more since you and Eric had appeared again.

He could see it in the way she felt threatened by your appearance.

He sometimes wished that his stupid prick would just work, so that he could give Freydis a part of him properly.

But sadly, he couldn’t.

And Freydis’ badly hidden sadness didn’t help, as she set beside him in bed, comfortably.

“Did you have fun?” she asked softly, as she turned to him, meanwhile he plugged in his phone and set up the alarm for the following day, pretty late since it was Saturday.

“Yes, I did” he mumbled, as he unbuckled his braces, having helped Eric through his, before he got him to swallow his medicine “… it was tiring but satisfying”.

“It’ll be definitely useful for the future” commented gingerly Freydis, as she moved to grab one of his hands, and pushed it onto her barely rounded stomach, as she smiled up to him “… you seemed a pretty amazing dad with Eric”.

“Ahh I am just trying my best” he commented, as he moved to face her, finally slipping under the covers, as he switched off the main lights, keeping on only the lamp on the bedside table “… he is a sweet boy”.

“That he is” she replied, although he could see that Freydis’ face was a bit shadowed “… (Y/N) did an amazing thing… and all on her own!”.

He didn’t know why but Freydis’ words hit him profoundly, stroking a rage on his chest, because he couldn’t help but feel like they had a double-meaning.

As if they weren’t exactly truthful.

But he tried to ignore it.

Freydis had honestly every right to be angry at him for what had happened with you, and he’d tolerate it, because he had done wrong in not telling her and in keeping things from her.

But he wouldn’t regret you or Eric.

He certainly wouldn’t have, when speaking with Freydis seemed so insidious.

He remembered the soft exchange of words before you had left Eric to him, the easiness with which he was starting to speak with you again, as you smiled softly, taking care of your child as if it was the most brilliant thing ever.

Not that you didn’t have awkward moments.

But talking with you had always been as easy as breathing with him.

And he had thought that he would have felt the same with Freydis this, but slowly… he just…

He again hoped that the child and the wedding would change everything, because he was so damnably in love with Freydis: she was the woman of his dreams and the woman he had always wanted.

But at the same time, he couldn’t deny that some parts of him still loved you.

And that wasn’t something that was ever going to change now that you were with him.

And this might be quite troublesome.

He brought Freydis closer to him, softly shushing her and wishing her ‘goodnight’, as he switched off the lamp on the bedside table and tried to rest his mind.

But sadly, there wasn’t any rest for the wicked.

---

The following morning you came to pick up Eric.

You didn’t look exactly ‘awake’, but from the look on your face and the huge sunglasses you were wearing, Ivar assumed that you had probably partied a bit last night.

And some part of him, which he quickly shoved down, couldn’t help but be… jealous and possessive of you, although he laid no claim to you.

You were a free woman, who was more than allowed to do what you wanted.

And he had a fiancé.

And a child on the way.

And yet he asked himself whether you had been hanging out with a simple friend or you had brought somebody home.

He justified as simple worry for Eric and his wellbeing.

He didn’t want him to grow among unknown men crashing on your couch.

As Freydis saw you, she immediately offered you coffee again, being shut down by a soft ‘no’, as Eric immediately appeared in the kitchen in his superhero pajama, shooting himself in your arms, as you giggled a bit startled.

“Hey, little captain America, I was gone just for a day” but with the way your lips crooked up he knew that you were happy that he had missed you “… but I am glad to see you too”.

And then you shot up a quick look at Freydis and Ivar, who were sat down on the kitchen table readying everything for breakfast.

“… I hope he wasn’t too much to handle” you apologized softly as he gently asked to be picked up, which you did as if it was the most normal thing.

“He was a complete sweetheart” answered Freydis for both, because Ivar was completely taken aback by the motherly charm you were exuding, interrupted by Freydis’ loving hands settling on his “… wasn’t he?”.

“He was” added Ivar, as he insisted for you to join them for breakfast, since Eric had woken up late, alongside his parents, so it’d take him a bit for getting ready “… and you really look like you could use a cup of coffee”.

“… maybe” you agreed, eventually letting go of your monkey who set himself on the table, meanwhile Freydis collected another chair for you, as she asked to Eric what he preferred to eat for breakfast.

“… and you aren’t allowed to say ice cream” reprimanded him softly Ivar, immediately getting a pout from his child, showing him that a bit of ‘his most annoying’ genes had been passed down to the boy, alongside his pretty eyes “… but we have the corn flakes you like, don’t we Freydis?”.

The woman immediately nodded, as she passed you the chair, for which you thanked her, asking if you could help her with something, as she asked if you could help her with coffee, already getting a few mugs out.

The breakfast was calm, although an awkward silence filled the air, meanwhile you spoke softly with Eric, checking if he had taken his medicine and if his legs had hurt the previous night, as he excitedly told you about how he had taught Ivar new soccer moves.

“Oh it is good that you are making him do some exercise” you mumbled jokingly, as you turned to Ivar “… or he wouldn’t get enough nonr, he used to avoid PE as if it was the plague”.

“That was low” replied Ivar darkly, but his eyes sparkled with amusement, as he felt Freydis scrunching up her eyebrows, unaware of this, as Eric just asked if he could also ‘skip PE’.

“… and it backfired” you commented as you proceeded to explain to Eric the importance of PE, as Freydis kept on throwing daggers at Ivar, with her eyes, which he ignored, till you eventually had to leave, offering to help Eric pack up.

“Is there anything else that you haven’t told me?” asked Freydis, as she linked one of her arms with his.

“I don’t think, sweetheart” he tried to escape this awkward conversation “… we used to be best friends, so it is pretty normal that she knows those things about me”.

“Well yeah, that’s what best friends are there for, isn’t it?” she asked what looked like a trap question and he simply nodded, immediately taking the chance to accompany you to the car.

Where another harsh conversation was to be held.

You set up Eric on the back of the car, helping him to get out of his braces and his seat, as Ivar held the door for you, eventually managing to face you as you checked a bit more on how Eric had felt and if he had created any trouble.

“.. and I have to ask you another favor”,

“Is this about coming to Thanksgiving to your mother?” you surprised him, and he had to take a few minutes before he replied to you.

“… ahem… how do you…?”.

“Sigurd…” you explained, as he immediately was annoyed “… I met him for a coffee, yesterday…”.

“You met with Sigurd?” he asked you, extremely confused.

And he had to admit it, slightly annoyed.

“He was my friend, before we were even friends!” you retorted, catching his tone, almost as if you were justifying yourself “… and my answer is that I’ll think about it”.

“My mom is just… excited about having a grandchild” he mumbled, almost as if he was the one who had to justify himself.

“She just has to wait for another seven months and she’ll get one” you commented, with a tiny knowing smirk that he had always found the sexiest “… and she doesn’t even like me, even more now that she knows about Eric, probably…”.

“She never hated you!” replied exasperated Ivar “… and she is excited to see Eric, but… I understand if you don’t feel like that”.

“I’ll think about it” you simply repeated again, before saluting him, as you got in the car, making Eric wave at him, till you were lost in the horizon.

And he couldn’t help but hate the thought of you leaving.

---

Eric sang for the entire on the road back home, much to your hangover head.

But you were glad to have him back in your arms.

Although a night without him had been quite more pleasurable than you had thought…

… till the following morning you had woken up with a full-blown hangover, some random guy’s number in your phone with the note ‘call me’, although you were sure that you’d never do it.

In fact, not even a few harmless chats with the guys in the club that Angelika had brought you in had broken you away from your attraction towards Ivar.

Hence you had grown quite heavy with the alcohol.

But at least the hangover had avoided making you think about him.

Maybe you should have seriously thanked Angelika.

Although you doubted she’d be up right now, since not only her son was at her father’s house on the weekends, but she had gone back home with a pretty young thing last night, after she had accompanied you back home.

Your mother had caught you in your stumbling steps and had simply helped you to settle in bed, mumbling something about ‘having enough children, these days’ but she had left water by your beside table.

Which you had needed, because you had woken up with a sore throat, suddenly remembering about the first time you had drunk something remotely alcoholic.

It had happened at the Lothbrocks’ house.

They had always bene a terrible influence on you.

Ragnar had come back from one of his ‘trips’ and he had brought over a bottle of some awful Nordic liquor, which you had downed alongside the brothers as you played a rather version of ‘never have I ever’.

And luckily for you, half of the questions where sexual, so you had drunk.

A lot.

To the point that Ivar had insisted on you staying over, before you were even together.

Not that he had much choice, you had fallen asleep on his bed a few minutes after he had bought you to his room.

It had been the first of many nights spent together.

And the missing figure of his body against you, hurt you.

A month ago, you wouldn’t have cared.

But having Ivar so close to you and Eric…

… it almost made you think about what you could have been.

And what he would be with Freydis’ child.

You were truly happy for her.

She was sweet and gorgeous, what more could Ivar want?

A single mom who was a complete and utter mess wasn’t seriously something anybody might have been interested in.

Eric called out your name and you immediately shook yourself from your thought, realizing that you had actually arrived home.

“Oh Gosh” you were glad that your own hands had been much more functional than your awful brain “… we are here, already”.

“Mommy, are you hurt?” asked worried Eric, seeing you grimacing a bit because of the tiredness in your limbs.

Honestly, it wasn’t supposed to be that heavy on you.

You weren’t that old after all… you hoped.

“No, no sweetie” ‘my heart just decided to break itself on useless memories’ “… what about you? Do your legs bother you?”.

“No no” he chanted, with a happy smile on his face “… I am just a bit tired”.

“Are you saying that because you are truly tired or because you don’t want to do your homework?”.

“Daddy didn’t make me do any homework yesterday!” he tried to protest, just to be frozen by your harsh gaze.

Even hangover you knew how to handle the temper he had inherited from Ivar.

“… and that is why you shall do some today” you commented, as you moved to exit the car and collect him, helping him with his braces and in getting up, as he brought his backpack with him “… not too many, if you promise not to protest too much”.

“I swear that I won’t talk as Loki, when they stitched his mouth close” he promised, zipping his mouth, as you sent him a worried look.

“A rather gruesome story…” she mumbled softly “… I’ll have a talk with your father about it”.

“He said you wouldn’t have approved” he commented, with that smartass smirk his father had as well.

“… but he still told you” you grumped more on yourself than on anything else.

You and Eric arrived at home, your mother welcoming you back, as she hugged her beloved grandchild, something that reminded you of the conversation that you had last had with Ivar about Aslaug.

Your mother loved Eric with all her heart, it was her grandchild.

And had the situation been reversed, had you been the one who had just discovered of your child… you would have wanted your mother to know him.

In the end Ivar would always do as he preferred.

And get people to bow for him.

Part of you wanted to almost refuse his offer to let Aslaug meet your son, because of that.

But… it wouldn’t have been fair… to the poor woman.

As much as you didn’t find particular interest in Aslaug and in her liking you, your younger self had always tried to appease to her, both because she meant so much to Ivar, but also because you admired her.

She was a single mom too, with four children, one of which born with a rare genetic disease, handling an absent father and constant fights among her children.

And she always looked damnably classy, with her stylish clothes and her ironic gaze.

You had always been scared of her.

And you were still, a bit.

But you had grown.

You were yourself a single mother, maybe less stylish than her.

You were doing it for her, not for Ivar.

And that was what you kept on saying to yourself, as you asked to a wondering Eric.

“Would you like to know your other grandma, little one?”.

---

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[goddessdoeswitchery]

Hellenic Polytheism 101: Pillars of Hellenic Polytheism

What follow is a transcript of all 7 episodes of my podcast Hellenic Polytheism 101, where I discussed the pillars of Hellenic Polytheism. There are more episodes to follow, but I figured it would be nice to have a place where all 7 of the episodes discussing the pillars were together. The series started on August 23rd and ended on Nov 1st, released on a bi-weekly basis at 8 am every Sunday. In total, it’s 12 pages long, so I’m placing it under a Read More because it is very, very long. In each episode, there is a list of resources, and each one is linked for you in the original post (just click the tag transcripts under this post, and it’ll take you to the transcripts for every podcast episode) to do your own follow up research. I hope that people will find this useful.

Pillars of Hellenic Polytheism: Technically, the pillars were never actually a “thing”. Unlike then 10 commandments, the pillars were never taught as a set of rules that everyone knew by the name “Pillars of Hellenic Polytheism”, or any variation thereof. What modern day practitioners of Hellenic Polytheism call “The Pillars” were essentially religious and cultural practices that were taught by family and friends via every day practices. The pillars were an essential part of the culture of Ancient Greece, taught to them the same way customs like tipping, saying “bless you” at sneezing, and the now-common practice of wearing a mask everywhere are taught to us today. In recreating Hellenic Polytheism for the modern age, the Pillars grew out of a need for a set of guidelines to help us recreate a very old religion.

KHARIS

Welcome to today’s episode of Hellenic Polytheism 101, where we will be discussing the Pillar of Hellenic Polytheism, Kharis. Kharis is the reciprocity inherent in Hellenic Polytheism, a devotional act for the Theoi with hope a return favor in kind. It is also so much more than a transactional behavior. Its not bribery, its not a quid pro quo. At the same time, it is not the Christian act of praise worship.

One of the most common actions as a Hellenic polytheist is devotional acts. Whether it be offerings, prayers, hymns, or the increasingly common Devotional Actions (like beauty routines for Aphrodite, studying for Athena, singing for Apollo, housecleaning for Hestia, etc); we worship by engaging in acts of devotion. Oftentimes, that act of devotion is also accompanied by a request. This act of devotion is not a bribe. This is an offering, and a plea. The deity in question can respond or not, it won’t change the fact that we made the offering and it shouldn’t affect how we give in the future. We give without the expectation of getting something in return, as an act of worship and of thanks for everyday blessings. We give to just give, and a lot of the times, the deity or deities in question will respond. We then give in thanks, and then they give to us. We give in thanks, they give to us and so continues the circle of praise and of blessing. This circle of reciprocity is Kharis.

And yeah, I completely understand how confusing that would be, so let’s try using some more relatable examples. I know not everyone will be able to relate to these examples, so there will be a few of them, and hopefully one of them will resonate enough that the concept of Kharis will become less confusing.

The first example I will use is of a couple. Let’s call them Kate and Ashley. They are very much in love. Kate is out grocery shopping and next to the checkout line is a display of flower bouquets. One of them has roses and lilies, Ashley’s two favorite flowers. So Kate grabs that bouquet and places it in a vase on the table for Ashley to see when she gets home. Kate isn’t getting the flowers for a birthday, or anniversary, or holiday. These aren’t apology flowers. These aren’t get well soon flowers. They’re the best kind of flowers. These are “Just Because I Love You” flowers.  That night at dinner, Kate asks Ashley to take the trash can to the curb before bed and Ashley does so. The flowers weren’t payment for the favor of taking the trash to the curb. The flowers and the request may have come at the same time, but one wasn’t required for the other. The next morning, Kate makes Ashley breakfast in bed and Ashley starts Kate’s car so it’s warmed up and defrosted before Kate goes to work. Both are acts of love that aren’t reliant on each other. Now, say this cycle continues constantly. They do each other favors, they get each other small tokens, for the rest of their relationship. No one but the most cynical would say that they have a transactional relationship. Their tokens aren’t required for favors, and their favors aren’t required for tokens. Their actions are out of devotion to each other. That’s an example of how Kharis works.

Another example, this time between family members.  My sister, my mom, and I have lived together for a lot of our lives. As adults, we have lived together for the last 5 years. My mom has a tendency to not eat, and there have been times when I’ve sent her a pizza while she’s at work, because I know then that she will eat. The food is an act of love, a way to show I care. When she responds in kind by cooking dinner for the house the next day, it is not a payment for the pizza. It’s a continuation of the circle. When I was off work for 3 weeks, I cleaned the whole house, reorganized their closets to be easier to navigate, and cleaned out the cabinets and cupboards. Its another way I show I care. My sister usually watches the kids all summer long, and my mom and I will get her flowers, as a way to say thank you. Every day of our lives as a family, we show love by doing favors for each other and getting things for each other. The favors are not a payment for the things and the things are not a payment for the favors.

Hopefully that explains what Kharis is a little better, so we can go a little deeper into what it means as a worshipper, as someone who calls themselves a Hellenic Polytheist.

Now, remember how I said that the pillars weren’t exactly a thing, and instead were a modern invention to assist those who weren’t raised in Ancient Greece with learning the customs and cultural behaviors that were common knowledge in Ancient Greece? Let’s keep that in mind. On a historical note, Kharis required something real. Having faith and good thoughts was not a part of the reciprocal circle that is Kharis. It required something real, and in Ancient Greece that did not mean devotional acts like making playlists. It meant something solid, offerings, like libations, food, incense, coins, seashells, and other solid, real items. If you have an altar, think about what you leave on it. On mine, I’ve got an incense holder, coins left at the foot of the statue of Hermes, corn from the field next to us, a nature ball with acorns and leaves and flowers in it, devotional drawings, fortunes from fortune cookies also at the foot of Hermes’ statue, dried roses and lilies in an empty wine bottle, seashells, pins, a book of myths, and a plate and cup where bread, oil, seeds, fruit, wine, and other food offerings can be left. Some of these are permanent, some of them get removed as they go bad. When I light incense and pray, when I leave food, when I leave seashells or coins or fortunes, I’m engaging in my part of the reciprocal circle that is Kharis. That means, historically, offering something real that goes above and beyond simple faith.

Now, not everyone can do that. Not everyone has the ability to have an altar, and not everyone can afford to burn incense everyday, and not everyone has the time to bake bread everyday. Now, that doesn’t mean that someone who lacks those abilities, or doesn’t have that time can’t engage in the reciprocal relationship that is Kharis. Remember, a huge part of practicing Hellenic Polytheism is bringing ancient worship into the modern world. Devotional acts are something real. You can offer a devotional act to the Theoi as your part of the Kharis. I’ve seen some stunning works of art created in devotion to the Theoi. I’ve heard songs wrote in devotion. I’ve read some deeply moving poetry. And I’ve seen prayers, prayers written with such devotion and love that they could bring you tears. Those actions are fully capable of being classified as part of the circle that is Kharis.

Kharis is not just actions, its a relationship. Much like how Xenia was a way of life ingrained into the culture of Ancient Greece, so too was Kharis. All the rites and rituals, sacrifices, prayers, hymns, offerings, everything that was offered to the Theoi; it came from the understanding that a relationship had to be built and maintained. You couldn’t just say your prayers and call it a day, you lived with the Theoi, and dealt with them every single day. Everyday, you had the opportunity to build the relationship, and the expectation that you would was built into society. Indeed, the concept of Kharis was so built into society that offerings and sacrifices were a part of their stories. Examples can be seen in many myths, plays, and epic poems from them. The reciprocal nature of Kharis is shown in the Illiad, the Odyssey, and the writings of Aristotle.  

I’ve learned that Kharis can be hard to understand, especially when you’ve grown up in a society where the love of a deity is just…..constantly there. Kharis is the idea that the love of our deities is not unconditional, and our love for them need not be unconditional as well. We don’t have that relationship with our gods that is bondless. We build a relationship with them, and they build one back. That, to me, is one of the appeals of Hellenic Polytheism. The relationship is a reciprocal one built up over time, using something that is definable, real, an offering that you can hold and see. So, we give, they give, we give, they give, until you’ve built a solid foundation for a solid relationship. That relationship, built out of Kharis, is what makes the worship we engage in so beautiful.

Thanks for listening to today’s discussion of Kharis. For today’s episode, I relied on the Illiad, the Odyssey, Kharis: Hellenic Polytheism Explored by Sarah Kate Istra Winter, The emotions of the Ancient Greeks: Studies in Aristotle and Classical Literature by David Konstan, and the Center for Hellenic Studies. You can always find a transcript of this and other episodes on my tumblr blog at goddessdoeswitchery.tumblr.com, as well as a link to the sources I used. Feel free to ask any questions, and don’t forget to tune in on September 6th, when we will be discussing Arete.

ARETE

Welcome to today’s episode of Hellenic Polytheism 101, where I will be discussing the pillar of Hellenic polytheism, Arete. For first time listeners, I want to mention that technically, the pillars were never actually a “thing”. Unlike then 10 commandments, the pillars were never taught as a set of rules that everyone knew by the name “Pillars of Hellenic Polytheism”, or any variation thereof. What modern day practitioners of Hellenic Polytheism call “The Pillars” were essentially religious and cultural practices that were taught by family and friends via every day life. The pillars were an essential part of the culture of Ancient Greece, taught to them the same way customs like tipping, saying “bless you” at sneezing, and the now-common practice of wearing a mask everywhere are taught to us today. In recreating Hellenic Polytheism for the modern age, the Pillars grew out of a need for a set of guidelines to help us recreate a very old religion. Now, on to Arete.

Arete is excellence. It’s living up to your fullest potential. It’s being the best you. Arete means doing your best to become your best and to live your best life. Arete’s end goal is a life fulfilled, and happy. Arete in Homer’s works is usually associated with the person who uses everything at their disposal to do the best work, the person who is most effective at achieving what they set out to achieve. Homer applies arete to Penelope as she fulfills her role as wife. Odysseus has arete when he uses his intelligence. In the Illiad, Achilles has arete by being the best warrior. In the Tenets of Solon, Arete is achieved by being honorable, honest, intelligent, and humble. He advised the following: Consider your honor, as a gentleman, of more weight than an oath; never speak falsely; pay attention to matters of importance; be not hasty in making friends and do not cast off those whom you have made; rule, after you have first learnt to submit to rule; advise not what is most agreeable, but what is best; make reason your guide; do not associate with the wicked; honor the gods; and respect your parents.

Arete is simply being the best version of you. One of the hardest things about Hellenic polytheism is taking those ancient concepts and applying them to the world we have now, one that doesn’t call for heroes like Achilles, and one where we can’t always take the time to better ourselves because work and life can get in the way. It is important to understand that arete doesn’t always mean being number one and winning whatever contest is at hand. One thing that should be understood is that a person can be their best, give it everything they’ve got, and still lose. There will be people who are objectively better at doing what you do than you are. Someone will get a higher grade. Someone else will get the role or solo or part you’re trying out for sometimes. Someone else can have a better idea than you. Someone else will write better, or draw better, or be better than you in whatever you are trying to achieve.

The first step of applying the concept of arete to our everyday lives is to accept that your best and the best of someone else are very different things. You are you and you can only do your own best. Now that does mean that you have to apply yourself. Doing the barest minimum to get by is not a way to achieve arete. Arete means taking control of, and responsibility for, your own life. It means challenging yourself everyday to become better than you are.

Take a moment and think about things you’ve always wanted to do. A language you wanted to learn. A hobby you wanted to pick up. A project that you’ve put to the side. Something you’ve always wanted to learn about. Arete means taking the time to do that. If you have a goal, arete means doing the work to reach it. Then it means creating another goal. Plato said that arete is the ideal form of a thing, something that you are always trying to achieve. You achieve arete by always trying to reach for it, always trying to be better. This means that you won’t always be at the top of your game. You will stumble. You will fail. You will make mistakes. Arete doesn’t mean you will never be wrong, you will never fail, and you will always be perfect. It is not expected of us to be perfect all the time. What is expected is that we will try. When we fail, we learn from that failure and try again.

Now, if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably got a busy life. Between work and taking care of a household, I rarely get time to do anything for me. It is hard to take that time that I want to use to watch Netflix, or pop on a movie, or scroll online doing nothing of any real substance and put it towards something that is actual work. But I try. I read, every day. I do research for this podcast and my own growth. I do the laundry. I clean the house. I spend time with my kids, as a parent, teaching them and guiding them and playing with them. I write. I exercise. I plan and cook meals that are good for us and aren’t the easiest options. I pray. I always strive to be better at work. I’ve given my boss ideas that we’ve implemented nationwide that have made our division look good. I reach for arete every day, by understanding that it is something that I must always strive for. By always striving for it, I hope to achieve it.

One of the things that made this episode a little bit more difficult to write than the previous ones is that arete is subjective. Xenia is a set of rules. Kharis is a reciprocal circle. But arete isn’t something that can simply be memorized and put into practice as we come across situations that could use it, like xenia is. Arete is not something built into our everyday worship, the way Kharis is. Arete is something that has to be strived for every day. It is something that is work. It takes focus. It takes energy. It takes commitment. Only you can know if you’re doing your best and so no one else can come up to you and say “You haven’t achieved arete, you’ve broken the rules, you need to do better next time.” It is up to you and you alone to strive for arete. No one can coach you one it. No one can teach it to you. So, this episode will be a lot shorter than the others, because I can’t teach you arete. I can only explain what it is, explain how it has been seen historically, and let you do he work from there. Now it’s time for you to do the work. Good luck.

Thank you for listening to today’s episode of Hellenic Polytheism 101, where we discussed Arete, one of the pillars of Hellenic polytheism. Today, I relied on the Odyssey, the Illiad, the Center for Hellenic Studies, Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, Baring the Aegis, wikipedia’s page on Arete, and The Greek Way by Edith Hamilton. A transcript of this episode and all others can be found on my tumblr, goddessdoeswitchery.tumblr.com under the tag “transcripts”. There you will also find links to the sources used today to more research on your own. You can always ask me any questions there as well. Tune in on September 20th for the next episode, which will be about the next pillar of Hellenic polytheism, Sophia.

SOPHIA

Hello, and welcome to today’s episode of Hellenic Polytheism 101, where we will be discussing one of the pillars of Hellenic Polytheism: Sophia. Sophia is wisdom, cleverness, and skill. The concept has changed and has grown over time to be more applied to wisdom and the pursuit of wisdom, especially by Plato. It might be easier to recognize Sophia in the way it was applied to Socrates and Plato and Pythagoras, as part of the term “philosophia” or, philosophy, the love of wisdom. Now, remember how I’ve said in my other podcasts about the Pillars of Hellenic polytheism being more of a way of life than a literal set of rules? Here’s another part where that really comes through. In Greek culture, wisdom and the pursuit of it were incredibly important, so much so that it was the Ancient Greeks that were considered to be the founders of philosophy; and since Greek culture and Greek religion were so intertwined with each other, we are left asking, how can we, as modern day Hellenic polytheists, apply the concept of Sophia to our everyday lives?

One thing we can be sure of is that a person doesn’t need to be a world class philosopher like Plato to be a Hellenic polytheist. What we should be aiming for is the ever-present pursuit of wisdom. We should always be trying to learn, everyday. It doesn’t have to be a huge undertaking. Read a book. Watch a documentary. Read a scholarly article. Listen to a podcast. And if you come across something you don’t quite understand, research it. One of the best ways to pursue wisdom is to fight ignorance. There will be many times in your life when you are faced with something you don’t have any experience with, something you know nothing about. Living with the pillar Sophia means taking the time to learn and battling your own ignorance. In today’s world, I know how hard that can be. You can’t do a google search without their predictive algorithm doing some serious confirmation bias. Living with Sophia means taking the time, in pursuit of wisdom, to do it right.  

Now, I love learning. I’m one of those people who, if given an unlimited supply of money and an eternity, I would be a student forever. But Sophia doesn’t necessarily mean learning in a classroom environment. Think about your last week. Did you come across new information? Did you read an online article that broadened your world view? Did you learn something new? Did you gain a deeper understanding of something you thought you already understood? Did you discover something that mostly everyone you knew was aware of, even something as simple as the fact that if you roll up the deodorant, you can take the plastic cover off without having to struggle with it? If so, outstanding! You battled ignorance in some small way this week.

Battling ignorance and pursuing wisdom also means battling the ignorance of others. If you’re hearing and listening to this, or reading the transcript, then it means that you’ve entered the online world in some way. That means you’ve also come across ignorant people, who seemed perfectly gleeful to remain that way. It also means you’ve come across people who were ignorant, simply because they didn’t know any better, and they needed someone to point the way. Anecdotal story break time: I’ve got a cousin who is a senior in high school. She plays a lot of different instruments and she’s very, very good. She has practiced, a lot, and has put some serious work into it. I’ve also got an uncle who is on his 4th or 5th black belt. He has put some serious effort and a couple decades worth of time into varying forms of Martial Arts. My sister’s friend is an artist, and an incredible one. She has more followers on her Instagram and tumblr and devian art pages than I care to count, and she’s graduating college as a graphic designer with job offers from some very big names. All 3 of these people are outstanding in their field. Now, to get to the why I brought them up: All 3 of them have told me, in some way, that once they reached a certain point in their skill level, the best way to get better was to start teaching. As they taught others, their own skill increased. I believe the same applies to everyone. So, one of the ways you can apply Sophia to your life is to teach those who don’t know any better. You will come across people who are resistant to fixing their ignorance but more often than not, people are willing to learn. That means you can take the time to teach them.

Sophia also means cleverness and skill. In fact Homer applies to the term with the meaning “skillful in handicraft and in arts” towards both Athena and Hephaestus. Now, I would never suggest that we, as Hellenic polytheists, can be as skillful the Theoi in any way. We should all know why that’s a bad idea. However, we can become skilled in our own handicrafts and arts. That is another way to practice Sophia. Now, I know not all of us have something we can reasonably point to and say “That’s an art”. There are artists and musicians and weavers and seamstresses and poets among us, to be sure. But we also have writers. We have readers. We have spellcrafters. We have engineers. We have software coders. We have jewelers. We have homemakers. Sophia means cleverness and skill. That means there are many, many ways you can apply it to your daily life. Everyone has something they can do with skill. Sophia means practicing that skill and utilizing it.

To me, Sophia is one of the easiest pillars of Hellenic polytheism to bring into my every day life. Pursuing wisdom, battling ignorance, practicing a skill, these are all things that we are doing every day. And Sophia is as simple as that. Thank you for listening to today’s episode of Hellenic Polytheism, where we discussed the pillar Sophia. Today, I relied on the notes from one of my college courses, Intro to Philosophy, and the Homeric Hymns. As always, you can find links to the, well, one source that is linkable this time around, on my tumblr page at goddessdoeswitchery.tumblr.com, where I am also always free for discussions and questions. Coming on October 4th, the next pillar Sophrosune. I look forward to seeing you all then.

SOPHROSUNE

Hello and welcome to today’s episode of Hellenic Polytheism 101, where we will be moving onto to the next pillar of Hellenic Polytheism: Sophrosyne, which is, essentially, moderation, prudence, self-control, self-discipline, or temperance based upon thorough self-examination. Since we are coming up on a holiday season in the US, this seems like the perfect time to focus on Sophrosyne, and to remember it’s opposite, hubris, and how to avoid it. It is also important to remember that even in Ancient Greece, it was well understood that Sophrosyne could be taken too far, something we also understand still today.

“Earth shaker, you would not consider me sophrosyne if I were to fight with you for the sake of wretched mortals” Apollo says this to Poseidon in the Illiad, as Homer brings us a look at what Sophrosyne would mean to the same deity who brings us the Delphic Maxims, such as know know thyself, know by learning, exercise prudence, praise virtue, nothing in excess, know who is the judge, keep secret what should be kept secret, take sensible risks, be well behaved, be self disciplined, be sensible. This is not the only example in Homer’s work of Sophrosyne. In fact, there are a really a lot of them. I would definitely suggest you read both of them and look closely for examples of sophrosyne. Homer was very sensitive to the need for Sophrosyne in society and in an individual. On an individual level, sophrosyne prevented people form getting into serious trouble, both with themselves and on a religious level. After all, someone exercising sophrosyne would be very unlikely to become a spider after being cursed by Athena, right? On a modern level, someone exercising sophrosyne is less likely to face personal problems as well. You won’t wind up drinking to excess and getting into a car accident. You won’t find yourself challenging someone better than you to a fight. You won’t find yourself taking on more tasks than you can manage. You won’t find yourself spending more money than you can spare on things you don’t need. By exercising sophrosyne you can avoid a lot of trouble. On a societal level, we should try to exercise that same self control and temperance. After all, there is no reason for any country to spend more than 56 countries combined on defense spending. There is no reason for a city to cut taxes and not invest in repairing roads or assisting those who need it the most. There is no reason for a group of friends to go out in the middle of a pandemic to a bar just to have a good time. We can bring the ideals of sophrosyne to our own lives and encourage others to do the same, through voting and talking to others and being an example.

When we do not practice sophrosyne, we tend to fall victim to hubris. For someone who has spent any sort of time practicing Hellenic polytheism, we should all know exactly how bad hubris is. We’ve all probably seen it or heard it online. Recently, there was a lot of talk of witches online cursing the moon, specifically aimed at making Artemis or Apollo angry. Now, in the end, it was revealed to be some big hoax, a lie they told to make other witches start saying things about how they could tell someone had hexed the moon because their own spells weren’t as effective. Then the original hexers could say “Ha! We told you witch craft and the gods weren’t real, see? These guys said they noticed a change but we didn’t do anything, so clearly they must be faking!” The whole ordeal was a perfect example of what could happen if people fell victim to hubris, and many more sensible folks online pointed out that it was hubris, believing anyone could have an affect on a deity by cursing the moon. We’ve all seen other examples of hubris. Hellenic polytheists who say that Artemis would never let a man worship her, or a straight woman, or a woman who has had sex with a man. People who gatekeep, projecting their personal bigotry onto the Theoi. We’ve all come across. Hopefully, most have us have rolled our eyes and ignored it.

Even in mythology, hubris is painted to be among the worst things a person can be. Niobe lost her sons and daughters to Artemis and Apollo after she bragged to Leto that she was better than Leto for having more children. Arachne, turned into a spider for daring to compare herself to Athena. Antigone’s father, who lost his son and his wife for believing that his life was higher than the law of the gods. Oedipus refuses to accept his own fate and wound up falling victim to it because of his hubris. Ajax, believing he was entitled to the armor of Achilles and being driven mad and eventually killing himself. Icarus, flying to close to the sun, too prideful to listen to his father’s warnings. Orestes taking it upon himself to avenge his father by killing his mother and being driven mad.  Greek stories are teeming with examples of people who have fallen victim to hubris. In many of these stories, sophrosyne is pointed to as a virtue to aspire to strictly to avoid it’s opposite, hubris.

And yet, we can also take sophrosyne too far. For example, in the Bacchae, Pentheus holds himself as a champion of sophrosyne, as fails to understand that by being overly self-controlled and self-discplined and holding himself up as the model of sophrosyne, he ignores the moderation and temperance part. He tried to force everyone listen to him, to oppose the Bacchic rites, and, in the end, his obsession with only a part of sophrosyne causes his own death. The Ancient Greeks understood that there was such a thing as being too controlled. There was such a thing as a fatal exaggeration of one side of the many-sided virtue of sophrosyne. Thus one of the biggest keys to sophrosyne is moderation. Nothing in excess says one of the Delphic Maxims, not even self-control and self-discipline.

As we go through this holiday there a lot of ways you can apply sophrosyne to your life. One of the dangers of the holidays is becoming over-extended. For example, I have a large family. Like…..over 100 people kind of large. So large that we could probably fill a high school basketball stadium kind of large. It’s also got a lot of different branches. Mom’s side, which has dad and mom in separate houses. My ex-stepdad, whose family we still see. My dad and his family. My dad’s ex wife and her daughter and her kids, who I’m also close to. My girlfriend. My kids’ dad and his family. I always joke that we’ve got our own little 12 days of Christmas skit between grandpa jones, grandpa long, Uncle Cody, Uncle Andrew, my dad, his ex wife’s house, my girlfriend, the kids’ dad, his family, and we’ve still got to squeeze out time for our own holiday celebration too. Factor in the fact that, like most customer service based companies in the US, my job doesn’t allow us to take more than half of Christmas Eve and all of Christmas day off. Sure, we’ve got the Sunday before and after when I’m off as well, but that’s barely 3 days for 4 states and 10 places to visit. Factor in the budget for all those places and all those gifts, not to mention the drama that comes around when we decide where we’re having Thanksgiving at and you can understand why I bring up being overextended as a danger of the holiday season. Now, maybe that isn’t a problem for you. Maybe you become over extended by volunteering to work too many hours to help your more Christian friends have time off. Maybe you offer to do too much during Thanksgiving and wind up having to wake up at 5 am to get started on a meal that you can’t believe you promised to cook. Maybe during Halloween, you spend too much time focused on parties or trick-or-treating and realize that you would have had a much better time sitting at home, watching Halloweentown with a bowl of candy and some friends. Either way, we all tend to push ourselves too hard, especially once the holidays roll around and we start wanting to do everything so we can get every experience. We need to remember sophrosyne during this time. Exercise self-control and stay home when it’s something you want to do. Exercise self-discipline and avoid getting gifts when you can’t afford it, there is no shame in saying “Look, finances are strapped and I can’t manage more than X”. Exercise moderation and remember that you can’t actually do everything. Be prudent and accept the reality of whatever situation you are facing. Practice sophrosyne.

Thank you for listening to today’s episode of Hellenic Polytheism 101 where we discussed another one of the Pillars of Hellenic polytheism, Sophrosyne. Today, I relied on the Odyssey, The Illiad, Sophrosyne: Self Knowledge and Self-Restraint in Greek Literature by Helen North, A Period of Opposition to Sophrosyne In Greek Thought also by Helen North, Mythology of the Greeks by George Grote, and the Wikipedia entry for Sophrosyne. Remember, all links to the resources I used can be found on my tumblr at goddessdoeswitchery.tumblr.com, along with a transcript of today’s episode under the tag “Transcripts”. I look forward to speaking with you all again on October 18th, where we will be discussing Eusebia.

 EUSEBIA

Hello and welcome to today’s episode of Hellenic Polytheism 101, where we will be discussing, Eusebia, or reverence and duty towards the gods. Now, keep in mind that Eusebia was so revered, so vital to the worship and religion of the ancient greeks that she became a personified spirit, who was married to Nomos, the Law, and had a child, Dike. This already sets aside this particular pillar from the others. As a being, Eusebia was the personified spirit of piety, loyalty, duty and filial respect. However, we are not yet at the point for deities or personifications, so mostly all of today will be focused on talking about what Eusebia is as a concept and how we can practice it as a modern worshipper. Now, so far we’ve talked a lot about our relationships with the many deities we worship. We’ve talked about offerings and Kharis, we’ve talked about the humility we should approach them with, and we’ve talked about the respect we should bring with us whenever we approach them. All of that goes into Eusebia.

Eusebia is about reverence towards the Theoi. That reverence is where, I’ve noticed, a lot of modern worshippers tend to falter. There is nothing wrong with making a joke about some of the Theoi. I don’t know if all of you have heard the one about Hermes being the only god to pay his worshippers for their worship. It’s fun to joke about that. I always like using Hermes as an example of a deity that a lot of worshippers are fairly causal with. He is, in my experience, one of the most easy going deities. He’s the type of god that puts a train on every track between your home and work on the only morning you’re running late for the last 6 months, just to get a message to you. He’s a prankster, a jokester….and still deserves the same degree of reverence as every other deity. Just because you can laugh with him doesn’t mean he is not revered by you. After all, he is also the shepherd of the dead, the one who guides their souls. He is the god of travel, of languages, of luck, of communication, and like 1000 other things.

It is not reverent to attempt to speak for the Theoi. It is not reverent to make up bullshit facts about a specific goddess to say that she would be on your side of an online discourse. It is not reverent to leave a deity out of your worship because you don’t like how one interpretation of one of the myths portray the deity. It is not reverent to drag the Theoi down to the level of an online personality. They are gods and goddesses and they deserve to revered as such. By virtue of what they are, they deserve the worship, offerings, and the rituals that we engage in. Impiety was frowned upon by the ancient greeks and should continue to be frowned upon today. It has never been acceptable to treat the Theoi like accessories, to be tried on and discarded whenever you don’t have enough time to engage with them. You find time, you make time, in whatever you can. And it doesn’t have to be a big thing. A prayer. A lit candle. Some incense. A quick offering. The Theoi deserve worship.

But, just like with some of the other pillars, the people of ancient Greece knew that there was such a thing as being too pious. There were people who spent too much time praying, too much time fearing the Theoi, and were constantly sure they had something to offend the Theoi and so spent even more time praying and offering and attending to the temples. This excessive fear, or deisidaimonia, was a sign of taking Eusebia too far. It was understood that a person should be mindful of the Theoi, and take an appropriate amount of time and give the appropriate offerings. This also included attending and participating in the appropriate rituals and festivals.

Eusebia also means understanding why we do the things we do. Why do we give these particular offerings? Why are offerings for Chthonic and Ouranic deities different? What are the reasons behind certain rituals? What are the reasons behind traditional offerings? Eusebia means understanding these things, having the answers to these questions and not just blindly following a traditional path. It’s important to understand the reason why. And so, Eusebia means taking the time to research your beliefs. If you have questions, put in the work to answer them. This can also definitely include asking others. We are a community. So, if you have questions, reach out. Ask people, “Why are coins such a common offering to Hermes?” Find a book in the library about the life of people of ancient Greece. Put in the effort to research and create your own calendar with your own rituals and holidays. Take the time to understand why, to research your deities and understand what they might ask of you, and why they would ask it. All too often, I’ve seen popular bloggers and popular authors in the community asked the same question a 100 times because the idea of taking the time to do your own research is apparently distasteful to some people.

It is important to remember, as a part of Eusebia, that the Theoi are not room mates or friends or accessories. They are deities. They are gods and goddesses and titans and by virtue of what they are, they deserve our devotion. I’ve always seen Hellenic polytheism as a simpler path than Christianity. We do not have a single, omniscient, all powerful god that offers a set of rules that must be followed or else we will suffer for all eternity. That’s not how Hellenic polytheism works. We worship our gods in our own way, at our own pace. Hellenic polytheism is a very personable religion. Everything about it, from hymns to holidays to rituals to altars to offerings, everything is unique to each individual practitioner. But, on the flip side, that means that we don’t have a holy book to draw from. That means that we don’t have a set of authority figures we have to listen to. We are responsible for our own piety. We are responsible for our own worship. We are responsible for our own research. We are responsible for our own devoutness. We are responsible for ourselves.

And that’s what Eusebia is, that’s why it is gets set up as a pillar of Hellenic polytheism. It is a vital component of our religious practice, to take the time to not only worship, but to know how and why we worship the way we do. It is necessary to show the Theoi the respect they are due, by virtue of their very being. It is necessary to speak about them with reverence, to be loyal, to not use them as talking points or spell ingredients. It is necessary to take the time, to do the research, to understand the whys, to understand the rituals we take part in when we light incense and offer up a prayer and use an epithet and recite a Homeric hymn. This isn’t a religion where we can just go through the motions. We have to put the proper amount of reverence into our actions. We have to be devout, and loyal, and have a healthy amount of respect and fear towards these beings who we worship and who take the time to guide us on our way. It is necessary to be humble, to understand that what we are doing is worshipping the Theoi. I don’t know about anyone else, but when I pray, when I let incense or a candle or wrap my hands around a set of prayer beads, when I take that time…..I’ve never felt so at peace. That feeling, that love and devotion and serenity…..that’s the feeling of Eusebia. Next time you get to that point, when you feel that, take the time to focus on that feeling and harness it. Meditate on it. That’s what you should draw on when you think of Eusebia and how to interact with the Theoi, those beings that we worship as Hellenic polytheists.

Thank you for listening to today’s episode of Hellenic Polytheism 101, where we discussed Eusebia. For my sources today, I used the book Greek Religion by Walter Burkett, found on the Internet Archive. I also used The Greek Way by Edith Hamilton. I used Baring the Aegis’ and Elanion’s posting on Eusebia as well. Remember, you can find links to the sources, as well as a transcript of today’s episode, on my tumblr at goddessdoeswitchery.tumblr.com. You can also always reach me there as well with any questions. Don’t forget to tune in to the next episode, on November 1st, which will be the last one discussing the pillars the Hellenic polytheism. I will be discussing the final pillar, hagneia. I look forward to seeing you all then!

HAGNEIA

Hello and welcome to today’s episode of Hellenic polytheism 101 where we will be discussing the final pillar, Hangeia. Now, anyone who is able to look at this word might note it bears a striking similarity to the word “hygienic” and then, you would be on to something. Hagneia is more of a ritual purity, an avoidance of miasma and cleansing oneself before you go before the Theoi, before you engage in rituals. Now, does this mean you can’t shoot off a quick prayer before you wash your hands while gardening? No, of course not, thus the “ritual” part of the “ritual purity”. Now, there is actually a lot of disagreement regarding miasma and cleansing in the Hellenic polytheism community. There are those that claim that for the most part, the average person won’t be contaminated with miasma throughout the course of an average life. There are those that believe that we collect miasma throughout the course of our everyday life. There are those that believe that we must fully cleanse ourselves before an offering. There are those that believe that a simple washing of the hands will suffice. There are those that believe the cleansing must be done with khernips, or lustral water. There are those that believe the cleansing can be done with any clean water. And there are those believe any variation of those beliefs combined. Remember one of the best part of Hellenic polytheism is that it is so personable. Therefore, most of this is going to be looking at it from how I work. As always, I urge you to do your own research on the matter.

Now, the first thing to keep in mind is that Hagneia was used to mostly mean ritually pure, spiritually pure, and was understood to mean whether or not someone was fit to approach the gods. There were things you could come into contact with that would create a buildup of miasma and it was best to avoid those things when you could. However, you can’t always do so. Some of those things are death in the family, giving birth, illness (not chronic illness, but like the flu), are all examples of something that can be considered miasmic. The real question we face today is how to cleanse that miasma? Most of the time, the biggest cure for miasma was time. There was a period of time you had to wait to no longer be considered miasmic after having given birth, or after losing a loved one. You were supposed to wait until after an illness has passed. And, you were supposed to cleanse yourself. Mostly that meant washing up, getting physically clean. For today, that means wash your hands, wash your face, take a shower or a bath (especially if you’d been sick, take a shower and change into clean clothes). So that part is really simple.

Now, historically, there was also another thing that rendered you miasmic. It very likely won’t apply to anyone hearing this or reading the transcript, but it is an issue that is covered in pretty much every source I read regarding miasma and Hagneia so I am going to mention it as well. Murdering someone was very much a cause of miasma. There were very special midnight rituals one was supposed to engage in in order to cleanse oneself of the miasma caused by murder. I would say that in today’s society that if you commit murder, you’re likely to get caught and so won’t have much use of said ritual, but that’s statistically unlikely so I’m just gonna say, don’t commit murder and you won’t have to worry about what that midnight ritual is. Mostly I just figured the fact that it’s mentioned so often is an interesting historical side note.

Time to move on the things that are more likely to affect you, such as how to practice Hagneia as a modern worshipper. While I would love it if the average Hellenic polytheist could go to a temple and worship with others on a regular basis, the fact is that most of us worship and prayer and do rituals on our own, or with a very tight knit group in a personal, private space. I myself am mostly a solitary practitioner. Sure, I have my mom and my sister and my kids, and I have a community of people online; but in my daily practice, it’s me, by myself doing the offering and praying and general worshipping. That’s probably true of most of you all as well. So how does a mostly solitary practitioner who isn’t going attending a ritual hosted by or attended by a large amount of people deal with the community based concepts like miasma and Hagneia? Well, in my case it means that I tend to put holiday rituals and offerings on hold when I would be considered miasmic. It means that when a close family member died, I prayed at the funeral for her safe passage and otherwise avoided rituals for a month. It means that when I gave birth to my kids, rituals and offerings were on hold for 10 days, which was about how long it took for me to even be in the mindset to get back to daily worship and prayers. It means that when I am sick, I wait until I am recovered to engage in practice and worship. When I got the flu a few years back, (three times that year, which is what I get for not getting the flu shot, I’m telling you, I’ll never miss it again and if you haven’t yet gotten your flu shot this year, please do) I stayed in bed and rested until I was better. I may have said a few informal prayers, like something along the lines of “please let this stop, I feel like I’m dying here”, but I waited until I was well. I then cleaned my bed and my room and myself and my clothes and changed my toothbrush and brushed my teeth with the clean toothbrush and got clean again before I went back to a regular worship schedule. So, for about 5 weeks that winter, I didn’t do very much in the way or practicing. And that’s okay. That’s what practicing Hagneia and avoiding bringing miasma to the Theoi is.

So, as a modern worshipper, the best way to practice Hagneia is to stay clean. Cleanse yourself of miasma as you come across it, make sure that you are fit to approach the Theoi before you do so. It’s a very simple pillar to follow because for the most, most of us already do. The next time you feel guilty about not being able to worship because you’re sick, or have a death in the family, or a newborn at home, remember that the break you’re taking is required, and important. It’ll be okay. The Theoi will understand.

Thank you for listening to today’s episode of Hellenic Polytheism 101. This is the last one that will be spent discussing the Pillars of Hellenic Polytheism. Remember, you can always find a transcript of the podcast on my blog at goddessdoeswitchery.tumblr.com, as well as a link to the sources I used today, which were: Inner Purity and Pollution by Andrej Petrov; Shame and Purity in Euripides' Hippolytus by Charles Segal; Shame in Ancient Greece by David Konstan, The Pillars of Hellenismos and What is and Is Not Miasmic by BaringTheAegis; and finally, A Beginner’s Guide to Hellenismos by Timothy Jay Alexander. You can also always ask me any questions at any time there as well. Finally, I will also have on there a complete transcript of all 7 episodes about the Pillars in a single post as well. Right now, we’re looking at 12 pages, and 8637 words, so it’ll be a very long post, set under a read more. The post will contain links to all the sources used for these last 7 episodes as well, so please fell free to check it out and continue your own research. For the next episode, I’m going to be discussing the Delphic maxims. There are 147 of them, so don’t worry, I’m not about to go fully in depth with each one the way I did the pillars. It’ll be just a simple discussion on the maxims themselves. I look forward to seeing you all then on Nov 15th!

#transcripts #transcript #hellenic polytheism 101 #pillars of hellenic polytheism #sophia #hagneia #kharis #arete #sophrosyne #eusebia #xenia

[angel-tries-to-write]

Old Love Doesn’t Rust

Fandom: Assassin’s Creed Rating: Explicit Pairing: Ezio Auditore x fem!reader Word count: 2611 Genre: smut and fluff

Inspired by this. @marshmallow--3​ here, as I promised

A/N: Sooo... Well, first of all I have parents who are his age, so it was weird, but I’ve done worse things, so no stress, I’m fine. Second of all, I’m not a fan of age differences, so I made the reader as old as Ezio, I don’t think I’ve ever read anything like that, so it’s a unique and interesting experience. Am I screaming now and am I going to scream for a few days and every time this post will get a note? You can guess.

Also the title is a literal translation of Polish idiom, which I decided suits better than the actual translation, or the actual meaning of this expression.

Constantinople was a beautiful city. Not as much as Florence, but still pretty. Unfortunately, you didn't arrive there for a sightseeing tour, you had to find your husband and help him before that moron would get himself killed. Even as an old man he was still reckless and sometimes straight up stupid. That was why you decided to leave your children with your sister-in-law and sail to Istanbul. You traveled in a simple dress, not your assassin's robes, for safety. Assassins were in trouble way more often than older women, so you decided to stick with your disguise. If you could avoid fighting, you were doing everything to do so.

La Volpe did an amazing job and gave you the exact address of the Turkish Brotherhood headquarters. It allowed you to go there unnoticed, all guards were oblivious to the fact that another Italian master assassin was among them. You were casually walking through the city, pretending you were just a visitor, not bothered by anyone. All that was left was to sneak in to the headquarters, but that never was a problem to you. Once you were inside, all you had to do was to find your man's quarters and wait there.

Unfortunately, not everything went as smoothly as you would like it to. You were noticed by a young assassin novice and vanishing was not an option. Then you had to try to reason her, which you knew could be difficult.

“Who are you? And how did you get here?!” the girl barked. She tried to press her hidden blade to your throat, but you were far more skilled than her and you disarmed her quickly.

“Merhaba (Hello). I am looking for Ezio Auditore” you said in Turkish with a polite smile, returning the weapon. “I do not intend to hurt anyone, I just wish to speak with him.”

“He is in his quarters. He clearly demanded to be interrupted only in emergency” the young assassin explained, taking her weapon with a visible embarrassment. She reminded you a lot of your apprentices in Rome. You missed them sometimes.

“Do not worry. He will understand. Show me the way, please, it will save me a lot of time” you were calm and convincing, many apprentices were telling you that you remined them of their mothers. That was sort of true, since you had given birth to your first child, you've changed. You had became more gentle and careful, but also more ruthless, especially towards the enemies. You would kill every single templar in the whole world, if they ever tried to hurt your children.

The novice was reluctant, but she finally showed you the way. When you opened the door, you saw the love of your life sleeping peacefully. His bare chest was moving in a steady rhythm and you could notice new wounds and bruises marking his skin. You saw the girl biting her lip as she watched the famous Il Mentore. He was old, but still attractive, many times you had heard girls giggling and whispering about him, usually when they thought you were not around. But you were cool with that, sometimes you would even join them for fun. After all, he was a snack.

“Teşekkürler (Thank you). I can do the rest myself” you dismissed the young assassin and closed the door behind you. All that was left was to strip of that dress and sneak into the bed. Luckily, months of having babies helped you two to learn how to move around each other without waking the other one. Soon you were in the bed with your husband and you almost started to cry. You missed him so much it hurt, and though you knew his mission was important, it wasn't helping at all, you just had to see him. Your hand found its way to his body, you just couldn't resist. Ezio stirred, feeling your touch.

“(Your/name)?” he whispered still half asleep.

“Si, amore mio (Yes, my love)?” you purred and kissed him. You were so close you couldn't resist. He kissed you back, but then he realized what was going on, apparently waking up properly. He pulled away, breaking the kiss and sat up.

“(Y/n)! What happened, is something wrong?” the man looked at you, demanding explanation.

“Nothing is wrong, mio caro (my dear). I just had to make sure you are not wrong” you answered, sitting up. The covers slid down, exposing your body for him to watch. “I missed you so bad and I knew you can not be left alone for a long time” you touched one of his almost healed wounds. “So I left our children with Claudia and came here. To help you. I did not say anything, because I knew you would try to stop me. And I am not going to. We will finish this mission together.”

“You should not have come. I left you on purpose, we can not risk our children losing both of us” he said, visibly struggling with thinking of the best solution.

“That is why I am here, love. To make sure they will not lose any of us. We are in this together” you touched his cheek and caressed it lovingly. You could see worry in Ezio's amber eyes and you knew he just wanted you to be safe. But you were not a little child, you were able to take care of yourself. He sighed deeply, not really sure what to do, but finally leaned in and kissed you.

“I missed you a lot” you heard him whisper and you knew he had lost this battle. You smirked and kissed him again, this time deeper and more hungrily. You didn't have to wait for his response.

Ezio tackled you to the bed, ending up on top of you. He let his burning desire show up, letting you know how much he wanted you, even though it was pretty obvious, you could feel he was hard and ready. His rough hands roamed your body, still fit and strong, despite your age and pregnancies. Assassins had to stay shaped to be able to fight. You were also blessed with something you used to consider a curse in your early years: you had always looked younger than you really were; when you were in your twenties, you looked like a teenager, but in your early fifties, you looked incredible. No one would tell you were the same age as your husband. Who currently was worshipping that body of yours with the same passion and love he did for the first time many years ago, when both of you were young and never thought that you would end up together forever. You loved that in him, that despite being intimate with so many women in his life, he loved you and treated like you were the only woman in the entire world.

You moaned quietly, when his fingers slid inside you to do some preparation. It was always amazing how he could turn you into hot, panting and squirming mess just with his skilled hands. You couldn't compete with him, however it was fair, because you were better with your mouth. The mighty Il Mentore was completely at your mercy whenever you decided to get down on him. But right at this moment you were at his mercy and while you didn't mind, you were supposed to regret it soon.

Because suddenly the door burst open and you saw a man storming in. He was definitely Turkish and very handsome with his black hair and blue eyes. Your cheeks turned into a bright, lovely shade of pink. Though you were covered by your husband's body and bedsheets, it didn't change the fact that you were lying completely naked in a presence of a stranger. A very attractive stranger.

“The assassins told me someone is here, we-” he stopped, when he realized what he was seeing. His expression went smug in a moment. “I've heard you were a ladies' man, but I never thought you still have it in you” he laughed, looking at the two of you.

“Molto divertente (Very funny). But it is not what you think. This is my wife, (y/n) Auditore” Ezio introduced you proudly. “(Y/n), meet Yusuf Tazim.”

“Nice to meet you” you said, barely keeping a straight face, when your husband's thumb brushed your clit the exact moment you spoke. He was clearly having too much fun and too little shame, fingering you in front of his new friend. “We are busy here, so would you mind...?” you didn't manage to keep your voice steady. Ezio's hands felt just too good, he was teasing you exactly the way he knew you loved it. Perks of being in a long-term relationship, he knew you a bit too well. You shot him a warning glare, he was fifty-three years old and he behaved like a seventeen-year-old.

“Alright, looks like there is no emergency. Have fun” Yusuf laughed again and left, closing the door. You groaned, embarrassed.

“I do not want to see this man anymore” you stated, knowing fully well you won't be able to look him in the eye soon.

“It is him who did not knock, so he should be ashamed” said your lover, kissing your breast. His beard tickled your sensitive skin. “We are married, we can do whatever we want.”

“Fine” you suddenly rolled you two over to be on top of him. “I can do whatever I want, you said it yourself” you smiled smugly at his surprised expression. Ezio chuckled, watching your actions with a burning desire. He closed his eyes feeling your hand touching him just the way he needed it.

“It has been a long time since we were making love” he purred, bucking his hips into your hand.

“We have some free time now, we can make it up” you said and leaned down to kiss the tip of his member. Your husband gasped sharply and leaned into your touches and kisses. He remained silent though, because he knew so well what would happen if he was quiet for long enough. And you did exactly what he needed you to do, soon he was moaning and writhing under you with his member in your mouth. You teased him mercilessly for a while as a payback for the earlier, licking slowly and sucking gently, when you clearly knew he wanted more. But soon your own arousal became unbearable, you needed him so bad that you quickly released his penis from your mouth and slid onto it with no warning. You both moaned at this unexpected sensation. Your inner walls tightened around his marvelous hardness and you let it sink deep into you, watching with lust and satisfaction how good it felt for your man. His rough but skilled fingers caressed your breasts and you shivered, knowing that he thought you were perfect just the way you were. No matter how did your body change by the time and pregnancies, Ezio always loved it.

When you felt ready to start moving, you placed your palms against his strong, muscled chest for support. You noticed that his wounds and bruises were healing slower. An obvious sign he was old. But you loved him even though his once dark brown hair and beard were silvery-grey. You never thought you would ever think this, but grey hair really suited him. He looked like a living legend he was. And you were so proud of him.

You closed your eyes for and tilted your head back. Every move felt better and better. His strong hands gripped your hips, suddenly one of his palms smacked your buttcheek. It was strong enough for you to yelp, but also to know it wasn't just a playful spank. You half-consciously dug your nails into Ezio's chest, hurting him unintentionally. It happened sometimes, that smack was an universal sign for "stop scratching me this hard". You reduced the pressure and strength, to make sure your scratches on his chest will cause a pleasure, not pain. His grip on your hips strengthened to the point it would leave the marks later. Which was exactly the way you liked it. You didn't care about the marks, there was no one you had to hide them from.

Your movements became faster and rougher, sighs and moans of pleasure were escaping your parted lips. Ezio always felt so good and you absolutely loved to have sex with him. And he knew you so well that he could do what you needed, before you even asked for it. This time was no different, he kissed and touched you just the way you wanted him to. Despite you being the top and technically being in control, he used his skilled hands and lips to push you into your orgasm before he reached his. You collapsed onto him, breathing heavily, both of you were tired but happy that you are together and you share this special, intimate moment, especially considering your long separation.

“Who would think, eh?” Ezio asked after some time, when you both calmed down.

“Hmm?” you hummed, looking at him with curiosity, having no idea what he meant.

“That you would be my first woman and my last” he laughed, kissing your forehead.

“I would never. I was sure you would end up with Cristina” you said a little carelessly and your husband tensed when you mentioned his long lost love. None of you could fully forgive yourself for not saving your friend, even though none of you really could. You were too far to come back to Florence at all and Ezio was too late. Just in time for the last goodbye, which wasn't very comforting, even though you didn't have even this opportunity.

“Her father hated me” he said dryly. You've been talking about it, but he was always getting bitter at the slightest mention of Cristina. Every other of his former lovers were only annoying him.

“Well, he had his reasons. Your reputation was not crystal clear” you joked. The assassin relaxed a little.

“Giusto (Right). But sometimes I wonder what would happen if I stayed” he confessed and you sighed, regretting you even said anything.

“Rodrigo would get the Apple of Eden, you would never become Il Mentore or the Assassin at all, then you would not stop Cesare and the Templars would control the whole Italia” you said reasonably. The truth was that he did a lot as the Assassin and without him, the world could look way more different. You were there to remind him about it.

“Do you always have to be right?”

“Of course I do. Besides, sometimes I think you did not mature at all, then someone has to keep you in line.”

“Me? Il Mentore? You are wounding my old heart, woman” he made an offended expression to which you couldn't help but laugh.

“You are not that old. You can still be useful, after all” you brushed his chest with your fingers and kissed him slowly.

“Not now. I am not that restless kid anymore. I need some time before the next round” he caught your hand before you did anything else.

“Don't worry, amore mio (my love). To me you will always be the same ragazzo (boy) I have met years ago” you chuckled. “Even in another fifty years.”

“Ti amo (I love you)” Ezio said and his amber eyes glowed with the feeling. “And I should have taken you with me right away. It will be faster if we do the job together.”

“Indeed. But let us relax a little more.”

“Bene (Good).”

#assassin's creed #ezio auditore x reader #ezio x reader #ezio auditore #my fic

[universe-n-3276]

Carrying the Moon

Chapter 17

Notes: Mild smut at the beginning but you can skip it.

It had officially been a year since Hero was born, and when Sander woke up that morning, he smiled happily. Being back to live in the house where he grew up had other benefits besides not having to pay the rent. To seek some chill during the hot summer days, he and Robbe no longer had to rely on their old broken fan, in fact, they had all the air conditioning they needed.

He could cuddle his fiance whenever he wanted, and not staying away from him just because even the idea of touching each other made both of them sweat.

He snuggled to Robbe's back, hugging him and kissing his shoulder. He felt the other sigh and draw closer, intertwining their legs together

“Morning, beautiful.”

“Good morning, my king.”

Sander smiled at that name. Every time those words left Robbe's lips, there was always something inside him that felt the need to show off. Maybe it was pride or his possessiveness, or maybe he wanted to prove he deserved that title. He kissed the back of his fiance's neck and slipped a hand under his shirt, stroking his bare abdomen and starting to play with the hem of his boxers.

“You are in a good mood.”

“I'm always in a good mood when I can be with you in the morning.”

Robbe laughed, letting Sander take control of the situation. He closed his eyes, sighing, when his fiance slid his boxers to his mid-thigh, letting out a moan as his fist closed around his length.

“Your hands are too cold.”

“Sorry.”

Sander left a kiss on Robbe's shoulder still covered by his shirt and turned to get the lube.

“Can you wear a condom? I don't wanna shower again. We have so many things to do for Hero's birthday party today.”

He got a raised eyebrow and a muffled chuckle, in response. Robbe rolled his eyes, kicking off his boxers.

“Sander, please! I also don't wanna change the sheets. Again.”

Sander finished undressing Robbe completely and pushed him back on the mattress, then placing his hands on his fiance’s knees to make him spread his legs.

“This is not something we have to do, Robbe. Just tell me if you don’t feel like it.”

Robbe blinked, looking his fiance in the eyes. He was still fully clothed, kneeling in front of him, holding his legs open by his knees. He suddenly felt more self-conscious and turned his face to avoid those green eyes that were always too intense.

“Sorry.”

“You don't have to say sorry.”

Sander let go of Robbe’s legs and went to lay down beside him, covering them both with the blanket. He ran his fingers through the other’s curls, trying to catch his gaze.

“We don't have to do anything, but when we make love, it's about you and me and nothing else. Screw the party, the sheets, the shower. I just wanna be with you. I wanna feel you, I wanna take my time to make you feel good, feel loved. That’s what matters to me, okay?”

Robbe nodded, stroking Sander's cheek. Sometimes it was easy to get lost in the routine. Forget that the two of them were sharing their life because they loved each other more than anything, and not because they were in the midst of that chaos together by chance. They had chosen to be together in the midst of that chaos. They were in the foreground, the rest was just background noise. Robbe felt incredibly lucky, at that moment, to be loved by someone like Sander, who was able to keep focusing on him, even when the noise surrounding them was damn loud.

He took off his fiance's shirt and dragged him on top of himself, kissing his lips with all the emotion he was feeling at that time. Robbe needed to be one with Sander, the rest was just rust and stardust.

*

Sander was still breathing heavily as he pressed kisses to Robbe's face, who was keeping his eyes closed, smiling slightly, just enjoying that sweet touch. Sander liked to devote himself completely to his fiance, after making love. He knew that Robbe felt particularly vulnerable and he didn’t want him, in any way, to feel bad after doing something so beautiful together.

“Can I run you a bath?”

“It's not my birthday.”

“That’s why I’m not joining you.”

Robbe smiled, looking the other in the eyes. He took Sander’s face in his hands, drawing it closer to kiss his lips. He felt so blessed to be taken care of that way, even after seven years of relationship.

“C'mon, you’ll take a bath, I change the sheets and then I’ll deal with the birthday boy.”

“I love you so much.”

“Love you too.”

*

When he walked into the living room, he found Alice and Sander sitting on the sofa, while Hero was on the rug, playing with the box of the stuffed animal that Alice had just given him.

“Good morning, Alice!”

“Hey, sweetheart.”

“Dad!”

Hero smiled brightly, as he did every time he saw Robbe enter a room, and lifted the box he was playing with, to proudly show it to his dad. Sander and Alice laughed as Robbe went to sit on the rug next to the baby, making him sit on his lap.

“Happy birthday, baby boy.”

He hugged Hero in his arms and left a kiss in his blond hair. The boy showed him the box again and Robbe shook his head, letting out a chuckle.

“Wow, look at this box! It's so pretty, isn't it?”

“Sander was fascinated by wrapping paper when he was Hero’s age. He was such a weird kid.”

“Ma!”

Sander dramatically hid his face in a pillow, making everyone laugh, including Hero. He put the box aside and aimed his grabby hands towards his papa, calling him to get his attention.

“Can you walk to papa by yourself?”

Robbe helped Hero to stand and the child, staggering slightly, reached Sander, who immediately took him into his arms, kissing his cheek. Alice clapped her hands and approached her nephew to ruffle his hair.

A year ago, Hero had brought so much love into their family. Those who had chosen to welcome him and to see him grow had been rewarded with something ineffable. Robbe met Hero on his very first day on Earth, but he never imagined what he would become for him twelve months later. He didn’t believe, he could feel something stronger and more powerful than what he felt for Sander, but at that moment, he was looking at that little human being for whom he would have given his life without thinking, and he was sure that Sander would have done the same.

*

Hero's birthday party went great. Obviously, he didn't understand why all those people were around him, and he probably could remember less than ten of those, but the little one enjoyed being around adults, so he gladly joined the overall fuss.

Robbe's mom had also stopped by to say hello, although she left about an hour later. Robbe loved his mother, and his relationship with his father had become less tense after he grew up, but he often felt much more at ease with Sander's family than his own, so he couldn't wait to officially become part of it.

When Jens and Lucas arrived, Hero's face lit up, and he had spent most of the party glued to them.

*

As the guests began to leave, Robbe started to tidy up the living room, while Sander disappeared into the kitchen trying to give away some of the leftovers to the guests.

Robbe took a tray of mini sandwiches and headed for the kitchen, but stopped when he overheard his name being mentioned in a conversation that was taking place between his fiance and his cousin Olivia.

“You can't raise Hero with Robbe. He needs a mother, he needs a mother's touch. Two parents who can give him the best life.”

Robbe wasn’t surprised by the woman's words. He knew many people were of the same opinion. Two men can't raise a child and things like that. He had asked himself that question so many times before, but Hero was happy, growing up exactly like the other children, maybe even better than many of them because he had two parents who loved him, and he didn't care what gender they were.

He stayed there, waiting for his fiance‘s comeback.

“I agree with you.”

Sander's words hit him like a slap in the face. He hurried away, placing the tray on the first available surface, and went to lock himself in Hero's room.

The baby was laying asleep in his crib, with a peaceful expression on his face. Robbe picked him up, trying not to wake him, and sat down in the rocking chair, closing his eyes.

That baby was his son, but Sander had the power to take it away from him if he just wanted to. He felt like he was living a nightmare. They had talked about it so many times.

They planned to sign the adoption papers together, once they got married, as soon as Robbe turned 25. It was just a year away, but apparently, Sander had changed his mind. Now he could explain all the strange behaviors of his fiance. The reason he always kept his phone hidden. Since he'd noticed it while they were at the beach house, he couldn't help but observe the way Sander kept doing it even if he said that there was nothing to worry about.

But then again, Sander was so handsome that even if Noor hadn't been chosen to become Hero's mother, he'd only have to snap his fingers to find as many women as he wanted, willing to raise a child. Maybe Sander was tired of being with a man, or maybe he just realized he didn't want to raise Hero anymore and he would let Charlotte take him back.

All those thoughts seemed equally valid to him, and the conclusion was always the same. Robbe would end up giving up on his baby. Those were probably the last moments they spent together.

He felt his throat close and a sob escaping his lips and he began to cry, holding Hero in his arms.

*

Robbe didn't know how long it had been since he had taken shelter in the nursery, but the guests must have all left because there was no sound from the house. The chaos of thoughts in his head had made him lose track of time, even though the weight and heat of Hero on his chest had made him relax a bit.

Sander opened the door slowly and smiled, seeing Robbe and Hero together in the rocking chair.

“Hey, what are you doing here? I thought he was sleeping already.”

He approached his fiance to stroke his cheek, but the other turned his head quickly to avoid his hand.

“Don't touch me.”

“Robbe, what's wrong?”

“I wanna stay alone with him.”

Sander frowned, not understanding what was happening. The party had gone well and the last time he saw Robbe, he was happy. But at the moment his mood was completely different, and it didn't seem to be something generic. He just was angry with him.

“Can you tell me what’s happening?”

Robbe avoided his gaze, as the tears began to fall on his cheeks, and Sander wanted to hug him, comfort him in some way, but he decided to respect his fiance's request. He knelt in front of the rocking chair and looked at Robbe trying to understand what was going on.

“Robbe, please. It hurts me to see you like this.”

Still, no answer as the tears kept flowing silently. Robbe clutched Hero to his chest as if his life depended on him, and Sander was increasingly heartbroken. Maybe one of the guests had said something, or maybe Olivia herself had tried to make the same speech, she had started with him before Sander kicked her out. He wanted to talk about it but he knew Robbe and he probably wasn't ready to do it yet.

“Can you at least go to sleep in our bed? I'll get the couch.”

Sander closed his eyes, sighing and went to sit at the foot of Hero's crib, leaning his back against the bars. He could wait there in silence for Robbe to come back to him for all his life if he had to.

“I'll stay here on the floor, just tell me when you're ready to talk.”

*

“Do you think someone like Noor would be a better parent than me?”

It was late at night when Robbe's voice finally reached his ears, tired and distant as a mirage. He almost thought he had imagined it, but that conversation was too important to risk not answering. He sat up a little more straight. He tried to focus on the words he'd just heard, and when Noor's name came up again, Sander rubbed his temples.

He had often gotten his head stuck on a topic, but not like that, not after discussing it again, again, and again. Sander had tried in every way to reassure Robbe, to give him all his love, but apparently, it hadn't worked.

“What are you talking about, Robbe? And why you keep mentioning her?”

“You told your cousin that Hero needs a mother.”

“I- What?”

“I heard you saying that you agreed with her.”

It was Oliva and her stupid speech’s fault. That woman and her retrograde mindset would never set foot around his family again. He had sworn it to himself even before he knew Robbe was suffering like that.

“Are you kidding me, Robbe? I told her that I agreed with her, because of course Hero needs to be raised by someone who can love and take care of him in the best way, and that’s exactly what you and I are doing. I told her to fuck off!”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes, I'm deadly serious.”

Robbe blinked a couple of times, looking at his fiance. He suddenly felt more awake and stupid because he could have talked to Sander right away instead of bottling everything up while imagining hypothetical apocalyptic scenarios.

“I'm sorry. I don't know what's happening with me lately.”

Sander stood up, taking Hero from Robbe's arms, carrying him back to his crib. He covered him with his blanket and kissed his forehead. When he turned back, his fiance fell into his arms, and he smiled, running his fingers through his hair.

“I know what’s happening, and it’s my fault. Remember when I told you that I wasn’t texting anyone? I lied. I was texting Charlotte. I missed her, and I don’t know, I just did it.”

“Baby, why you didn't tell me?”

Robbe lifted his face starring at his fiance with those beautiful doe eyes. Sander brushed a lock of hair from his forehead and sighed.

“I was afraid you’d get upset. But there’s no need to. She has never started a conversation. It's like texting a stranger.”

“I'm sorry.”

Sander wrapped his arms around the other’s waist and hid his face against his neck. He kept making the same mistake, hiding things from Robbe fearing his reaction, and when in the end, forced by events, he had to tell him, he had always received understanding in return, feeling himself immediately better. Communication was everything, and he often tended to forget about it.

“We need to stop hiding things from each other. We’re getting married and we have Hero, who can feel if something is off between us.”

“And you need to stop deciding what’s best for me without asking, or I’ll get seriously mad next time.”

Sander nodded, without moving his head from Robbe's shoulder, swearing to himself that he would work on what was perhaps his worst flaw. He didn’t want to lose his fiance again, by making the same mistake once more.

“Can we go to bed now?”

“Yeah, my back is killing me and I can't wait to get some sleep.”

“Same. We're too old for this shit.”

They both laughed, but when in the darkness of the room, they heard Hero's voice calling them, both of them quickly understood that they probably wouldn't go to sleep as fast as they hoped.

[previous] / [next]

#wtfock #robbe ijzermans #sander driesen #robbe x sander #rosander #sobbe #drijzermans #carrying the moon #chapter 17

[fallingin-like]

november 8

i just had a growth spurt (took so long, my tippy toes hurt) by @tallsinspace [requested by @gluupor]

see which other fics i’m reviewing this month! / my review request post!

maybe i’m biased because i like kid!fics but i loved this fic so so much. i love the way that andrew and aaron interact, both with each other and the other characters. the characterization on this was amazing and it’s such a hilarious and fun read!

i just want to start and say that i love this fic so so much. your writing style is so fluid and easy to read. there are a lot of writers where their fics are good, but something is missing and you can’t tell what it is. they don’t have weird plots or bad dialogue or anything, it’s just not the same. your writing is not like this. instead there is a sense of ease. i’m just carried along for the ride and i know it’s going to be good and it feels so comforting to know i’ll be taken care of. you inject subtle humour through tiny mannerisms of the characters and by slight word choices that don’t seem to make a difference, but just add this extra little something to your fic. and you have not as subtle humour so basically you’re just really good at writing a funny fic. i mean, even your summary is great. 

bits that i really enjoyed (although i just want to insert the whole fic):

“andrew says right over aaron’s body, voice ominous. aaron yelps, sliding up against his headboard in fright.” right off the bat this is such a great intro! it really sets the tone for the fic and tells us some info. it’s funny and i like that

”’i just told you,’ andrew says, impatient at having to repeat himself. ‘nicky is planning things, and we need to counter-plan.’” this is an early example of the great characterization you have. this mini-version of andrew still has traits that canon-andrew carries, but scaled to something that makes sense for a child. the impatience, thinking ahead to prevent nicky from doing the thing, so good.

astronaut lamp! it’s a cute touch that tells us more info about what kind of child aaron is, but also what kind of guardian nicky is.

”aaron remembers. nicky invited matthew boyd from aaron’s class over and andrew gave him so much halloween candy that he had a sugar crash and threw up in the bathroom. he cried. his mom had to come get him. it was really bad.” something about this story i find so great. i like the kids version of the columbia trip, it sounds exactly like something kid!andrew would do. also the last sentence does so much to add to aaron’s voice and also seems like something a child would include in their retelling of a story. i love the short sentences.

”andrew says his teacher, mr. wymack, is also really annoying, but he gets angry at aaron whenever aaron says it too, so andrew probably likes him.” cute!! what a classic kid thing to do (and also a classic andrew thing to do)

-the whole bit that’s also included in the summary is so perfect. the overreaction to a playday. how dramatic the twins are.

”’but we’re brothers in real life,’ aaron says to the empty room.” oh my goodness i love this so much. it’s so telling of the rocky parts of their relationship that they still have to work out and it feels so sad

”she’s really smart, but whenever aaron tries to ask for help, she always goes red and starts chewing on her hair, and the conversation dies there.” CUTE!!

”he hears a squeak and then a thump as katelyn collapses on the ground” DOUBLE CUTE!! these kids are so adorable!! oh my goodness. and so dramatic i love the way you write them

i really like the idea of aaron constantly asking for passes to go to abby and andrew asking to see bee. it must be so comforting to them to have a safe place that they can retreat to during school after being alone for so long.

”unfortunately, nicky thinks mr. wymack is ‘kinda cute in a dad way’ so andrew can’t say he’s friends with kevin, or there’ll be a playdate again, and everything will go very badly for everyone” THIS IS THE BEST SENTENCE. nicky is hilarious as always and it is so funny to see the twins have such a deep understanding of everything to be fully in control. i can just imagine them, writing out baby causal loop diagrams to try and see how one action will affect other things.

andrew and aaron switching places in class with only neil and katelyn being able to tell? amazing

”he’s in my class because he hates you and wanted to get away from you. are you happy?” MY HEART BREAKS A LITTLE BIT AARON NO also i can totally imagine him saying this in his little kid voice, all pouty and annoyed.

the dilemma bit is soo cute oh my goodness

”you can copy my answers even though you’re mean and terrible and you tried to lie to me about andrew” I LOVE YOUR VERSION OF KID NEIL SO MUCH he is still the sassy boy that we all know him as and so wonderful

”besides aaron had been the real victim, because that was his candy he was saving for later” aaron is so melodramatic this is the best thing ever

ANDREW READING WIKIPEDIA ARTICLES IN THE DARK ON NICKY’S LAPTOP AS A KID IS NOW CANON I REFUSE TO BELIEVE ANYTHING ELSE (yes i know nicky and andrew didn’t know each other as children but sTILL)

”last time they came, he had found a massive picture book of outer space, and he and andrew had claimed entire galaxies for themselves, named stars after each other” this is the most precious thing i have ever read. bonding moments between the twins that are this soft are rare in the fandom but underrated because it’s so good. also i love how this matches the astronaut lamp

ANDREW RECITING SHAKESPEARE TO AARON bless these boys

”aaron had yelled his own name across the library, as stupid as that sounds now, and andrew for whatever reason, had called his own name back, to the outrage of every librarian in the main room” excuse me but this is the only way the twins can meet again, sorry i don’t make the rules. i think this is my favourite twin discovery i have read ahhHH you’re so good

”andrew doesn’t lie, but if you don’t believe him, he doesn’t talk either. nicky’s comment has guaranteed an evening’s worth of silence from andrew, which isn’t the worst thing in the world, but is counter-productive” wow this is such an andrew thing to do. he must have been taught through his life in terrible terrible homes that no matter what he says people wouldn’t believe him. it must have been so exhausting constantly being told you’re lying even if you’re not. it’s always so heartbreaking to read about these coping mechanisms he must have developed at such a young age to try and protect himself

”’he’s good at math,’ andrew finally says. ‘and he’s the fastest runner in the grade.’” ANDREW YOU’RE HAVE A CRUSH THIS IS SO CUTE

”’i was the weird kid for a while and i’m excellent.’ nobody responds to that.” NICKY OH MY GOODNESS

nicky buying andrew any lock he wanted no questions asked is the softest thing ever :”) what a perfect thing as the foundation of their relationship

andrew reciting either stories or horrible facts about pirates oh my goodness your characterization is spot on i cannot get enough of it

”andrew doesn’t smile but he does a happy kind of bounce when he sees the chocolate chips have been arranged into a frowny face” this is such an iconic line. you’re actually a legend

exCUSE ME AARON BEING THE MOST POPULAR BOY IN CLASS AND ANDREW THE MOST ATHLETIC my brain just exploded what a wonderful way to end the school year!! and then andrew saying he would rather hang out with aaron,,, i- have no words

”he thinks i need friends badly because he’s afraid i’m developmentally stunted thanks to my terrible parents” nicky’s response is perfect for this but this is the most neil thing eveR. he’s also so mature. what a kid.

wow finishing the fic with the twins making a deal that allows them to hang out/form relationships with other kids and yet means that they will reconvene at the end of the day and stick together?? amazing. i just. this is so so good.

i really like that you did this through aaron’s perspective. it adds something to the story-telling that i think is nice. i’m generally indifferent to aaron, but this fic really endeared me to him. i also appreciate that this is a fic where their relationship is as good as a relationship between twin boys can be (a little bit rough, but overall they have an understanding of each other and will work together to accomplish something).

this whole fic was fun and lighthearted, but clearly really well thought out. i think it takes a lot of talent, skill, and time to have it read in such an easy way. you paid homage to canon events/details but molded it so that it fit so perfectly into this au. this was really cute, i’m always attracted to kid!fics, i’d love to see more from this au! i think you did a good job fitting the characters into the kid version of themselves. i liked that they weren’t dumb little kids with no personalities, because kids are so hilarious and full of attitude. and, it’s really interesting to see nicky in this caregiver role (although he is also like this a little bit in canon, we just don’t get to see it work because the twins are less receptive), i like that he’s doing his best and it’s actually working. for once, the twins have a safe and welcoming home where they can be supported to be who they are and have someone who will protect them.

this was such a delightful read, i loved it when i first read it, and i loved it again while i was rereading to write this. you did such a good job with the characters, the dialogue, the humour. i really can’t describe how much i enjoyed this. thank you so much!!!

#i just had a growth spurt (took so long my tippy toes hurt) #aftg fic review #raelle writes

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Savannah

Jac: [screenshot of a totally acceptable amount of messages from Isabelle] Jac: 😩😩😩 Jac: She is so mentally exhausting Savannah: The girl needs more extracurricular activities Savannah: netball is just not doing enough for her Jac: Seriously Jac: what sort of uni does she think she'll get into with that lack of variety 🙄🙄 Jac: never mind how boring it'll make her seem to any potential friends or boyfriends when she gets there, IF she gets there Savannah: do you think she'll even go, when she can't get into any of our choices? Savannah: she's so not ready to cut ties with you Jac: Honestly, I don't even know Jac: like, that is SO much pressure on me Jac: she doesn't even realize that, I swear Jac: or she doesn't care 🤷 Savannah: It's like having another little sister sometimes, I don't know how you've coped with her for so long Savannah: you're an actual living saint Jac: You're the saint for saving me ❤❤❤ Savannah: Isabelle drove Amelia away with all the pressure she puts on her friendships Savannah: I had to meet you & save you Jac: She did Jac: don't get me wrong, Meels could be hard work too but at times, I'd rather be on her side Jac: it's crazy how isolated I let her get me, you don't think badly of me, do you? Savannah: 😔 do you miss her, boo? 😢 Savannah: I think badly of Is for doing that to you Jac: I don't need either of them, I've got you Jac: neither of them can compete, or like anyone else we go to school with Jac: it happened so slowly, then all at once Jac: we need to think of a way to distract her Savannah: My heart! 🥰 You're the force for everything good in my life, I swear to god Savannah: I've got you, baby girl, what we need to do is find her a man who'll stay Savannah: Let me get Ty's phone Jac: You are the only thing from this life I'm taking with me into my actual life I'm gonna have Jac: when we get out of this place and make something of ourselves Savannah: ^^^👏 Yes Jac: 🤔 Who's lowkey dumb enough Jac: dumb might be harsh but like, he's gonna have to put up with A LOT to wanna, no offense 😂 Savannah: I'm not judging, you've known her longer than I have Savannah: & she's made sure you know her better too Jac: It's so juniors of her Jac: like of all the people who don't deserve that treatment ➡ you, the sweetest angel ever Jac: the possessiveness, just because we met like first day of school, doesn't mean we've got to live and die together now Jac: especially if you're not gonna grow with me, babe Savannah: It's fine, I can be the bigger person here Savannah: we both understand that the universe was not ready to put me on the same path as you the second that school started, even if she doesn't Savannah: she doesn't date black boys which is going to wipe out half of this list, not speculating wildly like that fact is related to why we're not BFFs though 🤫 Jac: 👑❤ Jac: I'm all about who's made the most positive change in my life, not who's been in it the longest, not sorry about that Jac: only 😎 colourblind if you're light enough Jac: the levels of problematic Jac: speaking of, who's that guy, the one who was BEYOND wasted at the last party? Savannah: She's scared of change, I feel bad for her, because we all know that's her mum trying to keep her childish Savannah: OH! 🙌 Carter Savannah: You're a genius Savannah: they can be problematic together and leave the rest of us out of it Jac: When you and your mother both need to get a hobby 😏 Jac: Right, though? Jac: Would that not be perfect Savannah: honestly! Savannah: he's at EVERY party, as long as Is doesn't have too many shots too early again Savannah: 💘👼🏻 Jac: and he's a sporty guy too Jac: like I would NEVER 😷 Jac: but she's SO welcome Savannah: When you go back two or three years & his name's on literally every 🏆🏆🏆 Savannah: OH MY GOD! YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT TY'S TOLD ME THIS SECOND Jac: ?????? Savannah: I'm shouting because his parents are going away THIS weekend 🙏 it's perfect Savannah: & of course I will sacrifice the precious alone time we could've had if it means you get some away from her Jac: 🌌🪐☄️☀️ timing Jac: you don't mind? ❤ Savannah: I don't know why he's only telling me now when there's no way he found out a second ago himself but I couldn't love him more for helping us make this happen so he's forgiven Savannah: it's fate baby, how could I mind? Good things happen every time I trust in that Savannah: She'll let you dress her, won't she? Jac: That's men for you Jac: can't say useless when they clearly have some but 🤭 bless Jac: If I commit to a shopping trip Jac: she keeps asking Jac: it'll be tiresome but worth it in the long run Savannah: He does not appreciate the recovery time on a wax when your skin is as sensitive as mine is, but that's a venting session for another day 🙄 Savannah: I'll obviously come with, unless you think that'll make it worse Jac: 🙄 How are more boys not genius level intelligent Jac: the amount of time they don't have to spend worrying about the things we do, and they're out here putting it to waste Jac: we would never, could never 💅 Jac: Of course I want you to come Jac: but we know she'll be in a better mood to party if I give her my undivided attention 🙄 Savannah: SO true Savannah: I'll give him mine then, make sure he's also in the mood to party Savannah: I can't handle a sulk, he looks too adorable, it makes me die Jac: 🙏 we need your free, boy Jac: get on board or I swear, I'm gonna lose it with her fully 😵😤😰 Savannah: we can lose her in his parents' sauna, hang in there 👼🏻 Jac: if we can make use before because I won't be getting in there after them 😷🤢 Savannah: You have to come over early anyway because my hair is a law onto itself right now & I will have a breakdown if Ty tells me to be natural one more time Savannah: can you not 👮 me, boy Savannah: I need to look beautiful for myself as well as you Jac: Self-love is so much more important Jac: I got you Savannah: if you don't see us at this party it's because we're arguing Savannah: I can feel it coming Jac: 😬 Jac: You know I'll cover for you, goes without saying Jac: is he like, under some kind of extra pressure rn, like what's his deal? Savannah: he insists he's not but he wouldn't ever normally jump down my throat for asking Savannah: so, like, you don't have to be a wannabe psychology student to realise there's something Jac: I think boys will remain a mystery, even when we get our PhDs Jac: A party will make him feel better Jac: it's clearly not about you though, you're the perfect girlfriend Savannah: I could cry Savannah: maybe I should just go home Jac: Honey Jac: Tell me where you need me to be Savannah: [a very them location] Jac: I'm there, babe ❤ Jac: Is there anything you need beside a listening ear and shoulder to cry on, obviously Savannah: take my phone when you get here so I don't contact him until I'm less of a wreck Jac: Duh Jac: nothing but totally composed, fully logical, 🧠 led texts only Jac: you are so NOT that girl Savannah: I don't want to be but I've got that child of divorce neediness now Savannah: I can't even blame him, I would NOT date me Jac: Don't even Jac: You are incredible Jac: a force of nature Jac: he's lucky to have you Savannah: You know how much I love you, right? Savannah: it's off any scale Jac: Of course, it's exactly how much I love you Jac: 👭🔥 Savannah: I swear to god, if we get Isabelle a man & I end up single, I will have to run away though Jac: No way Jac: he knows his luck, for his sins Savannah: I've given him way too much power to hurt me with by loving him as much as I do Savannah: I'm so lucky I also have you Savannah: & you would never Jac: It's all about trust Jac: and it's rare that you find anyone you can fully give your trust too in your life Jac: never mind multiple people Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: my parents didn't have it & they were together for like two decades Jac: It's sad Jac: so many people do and will settle for less Jac: I can't imagine how, honestly Savannah: you're on a different level to everyone else I've ever met Savannah: the word settle doesn't exist for you Jac: but you have to remember, you're on that level too Jac: I won't let you forget Jac: or settle Savannah: I'm scared that I've put all this energy into the wrong things Jac: You said it best, the universe knows what it's doing Jac: what you're ready for and what you're not, put your trust in it Jac: if this is meant to be more, it will be, if it's meant to be a teaching moment to make you an even better person, then it will be Savannah: you're BEYOND right Savannah: & you can never leave me, even if he does Jac: I never will Jac: I KNOW we're meant to be Savannah: Me too Savannah: my dad has shaken my faith in literally everything else but not us Jac: We're different Jac: we've known each other forever, I think Jac: countless past lives, and we're gonna keep knowing each other Jac: we're meant to do something big together, I can feel it Savannah: I feel too connected to you for that not to be true Jac: It is Jac: Whatever else, you can count on that, forever Savannah: you've made everything better Savannah: in this moment and all the rest Jac: That's what I'm here for Savannah: I'm supposed to also be here for you & I haven't asked how you are Savannah: SO selfish Savannah: Am I turning into Isabelle? Jac: your hair is not THAT wrecked, please 😏 Savannah: 😄 Savannah: I'm never getting it THAT flat Jac: Bless her Jac: if she'd lay off the highlights Savannah: we need to sit her down for a deep condition Jac: We could invite her to pre party prep... 🤔 Savannah: every day beforehand 😄 Jac: She's gonna need it Jac: ideally we'd have longer to do a full detox but you know Savannah: Even Ty agrees that we've got our hands full Savannah: he says Carter's too old for her 🤭 Jac: We all agree she could do with growing up a bit Jac: not that he isn't as immature 🙄 Jac: perfect couple 🚨 Savannah: when you went out with Eli he didn't say a word & he was the same age 💅 Jac: It's all down to her mum Jac: she's coddled her to the degree Is just gives off this PROTECT ME vibe Jac: Ty don't even know why Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: he thought she was a virgin still, it was so cute, baby boy no Jac: If everyone knew her how we do 👀🍵 Savannah: Enough about Is, who are you bringing & what are you wearing? Jac: [sends outfit options] Jac: 'cos lord knows all my attention will HAVE to go on her outfit when we go on this shopping trip Savannah: Oh you just have to go with the first one! I'm in LOVE Savannah: not even looking at the others, sorry Jac: 🤭🥰 that's decided then Jac: who I want to bring or if, is another question entirely Savannah: What about Cillian? I obviously don't mean the one in our year 🚫🚫🚫 Jac: He has potential Jac: did he go out with Sammy in our year though? Savannah: She asked him & he politely declined Jac: 😏 That makes him more promising Savannah: he doesn't date girls that aren't in his own year but I know he'd reconsider if you wanted him to Jac: you have the best ideas Savannah: He noticed when you got that mention in assembly, that was all you 🧠✨ Jac: At least he should be able to hold a conversation too then Savannah: I've heard him debate, he's really impressive Jac: Are you sure you don't wanna ask him, boo? 🤫🤭 Savannah: 😳 Jac: You totally like him Savannah: I can look & sometimes I do, don't judge me Jac: No judgment here Jac: it sounds like you have lots in common Savannah: We've attended a few of the same university lectures Jac: and he's cute Jac: I won't ask him Savannah: nothing's ever going to happen between me & him, so you should, if you think he's cute Jac: you can't say never Jac: who knows what the universe has in store for your future Savannah: Do you think Ty's going to end it? Jac: Of course not Jac: I don't think Ty will get into Uni Jac: you know it'll be different, especially when you get into your first choice and have to move away Savannah: His parents want him to stay here & he hasn't said he won't Jac: It takes a certain kind of man to follow 'round a girl Jac: and honestly, 'cos you know I'm always going to tell you how it is, because I care about you, okay? Jac: is that the sort of man you want, anyway Jac: what is his plan, after school Savannah: He doesn't believe in committing to a long term plan, besides us staying together, of course Savannah: you know I used to love that about him, because it's like he's the missing, more relaxed part of me Savannah: but lately the differences feel exhausting Jac: And that's now Jac: when you live in the same town, and see each other at least 5 days of the week without needing to do anything, put any effort in Jac: I just worry that the commitment-phobe is gonna jump out when it isn't that easy for him Savannah: oh god Jac: I could be wrong Jac: but I never want to keep anything from you Jac: even if it's hard to hear Savannah: Nobody knows me better than you Savannah: or has seen more of us as a couple Savannah: you're saying it because it needs to be said Jac: 😔 Jac: I am Jac: the last thing you need is to be blindsided by it Savannah: I can't go through that kind of heartbreak again, me & my dad still aren't talking Jac: You've had to be strong enough already Jac: like, he needs to think about what he wants, be clear with his intentions, you deserve that Jac: even if he isn't about making plans for himself, you can't live your life beholden to his lack of, it's not fair Savannah: This isn't a discussion I can have with him in [wherever they are] Savannah: 😢 Jac: Of course not Jac: your response would be beyond emotional Jac: you need to collect your thoughts first Savannah: Can I stay with you? Home is totally chaotic & I obviously can't stay at his Jac: You don't even need to ask Jac: there's always a place for you at mine Savannah: Thank you Jac: Jude isn't here and I can always make Jameson leave too Jac: not that they'll bother us Jac: total calm is needed Savannah: until Is decides she needs something Jac: 📴 Jac: she'll have to cope without me for five minutes Jac: you're so more important than any of her faux drama could ever be Savannah: It's going to be so embarrassing to have to share any of this with her Savannah: I can't Jac: You don't have to Jac: it's none of her business Jac: and you don't know yet, Ty might prove himself Savannah: what would I do without you? Jac: That's one question you don't need to worry about ❤ Savannah: We can still have the party, I'm not trying to ruin your life or that plan Jac: Oh, I don't care about that Jac: I just want you to feel better Jac: we can think about that later Savannah: I want the same for you though Savannah: I care that she's raising your stress levels daily Jac: I'll feel better when you do, I swear Savannah: this is going to make me sound awful but I think we have to still have the party because if we don't, he'll want to spend time with me anyway Savannah: & I'd rather have you there until I know what to do Jac: No, that's totally fair Jac: I'm more than down to go ahead Jac: project management will be a great distraction at any rate, and we can spend our Isabelle free hours actually talking about your plan going forward Savannah: I just can't lead him on by pretending everything's normal when it's not, you know? Jac: No, you don't want to lie Jac: that's not going to help anyone, and you owe it to yourself as well as him to remain as honest as you always are Savannah: I'm so glad you understand Jac: Always Savannah: I love him so much & I want him to be happy Savannah: but I can't sacrifice the future I have planned, I'd end up resenting him & it would eventually fall apart however hard I try Jac: Exactly Jac: it's about the people you're going to be, as well as the people you are now Jac: sometimes you have to harm to help, that's just facts Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: I'd have to stop growing & I'm not going to do that Jac: And you aren't saying he isn't going to grow too Jac: but you might need to acknowledge you aren't growing in the same directions Savannah: it hurts my heart that he could be growing away from me but it'll hurt us both more if I refuse to see it Savannah: we could get married & have babies, then we're a variation on who my parents are Savannah: my dad is a black male stereotype & he's made me a statistic, that's bad enough Jac: I get it, both my granddad's are the worst, actually Jac: they may as well not exist, honestly Jac: You're way too smart and wonderful to get stuck into that cycle Savannah: A bare minimum of what I want for my life is to break it Jac: ^^ Jac: Me too Jac: God knows it is overdue Savannah: I wish we had Is' privilege but that isn't who we are Jac: I could shake her Jac: she has no idea how easy she has it Savannah: 👏

[lovehaswonangelnumbers]

New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/moving-through-an-age-shift-from-pisces-to-aquarius/

Moving Through An Age Shift, From Pisces to Aquarius

Moving Through An Age Shift, From Pisces to Aquarius

By A Gift From Gaia

From our leaders squabbling and threating to throw bombs, to mass fires, to now obvious climate change as we move through a Grand Solar Minimum when technically we should be cooler and not warmer as per our current experience. Through to many experiencing their towns and cities begin to erupt in crime and violence and also the fast spreading Corona Virus.

May I remind all once again that we are moving through an Age shift, from Pisces to Aquarius. Have you researched the Ages? If not then I highly encourage each to have a full understanding of how this all works, how much perceived destruction or perhaps dissolution is involved, it is now crucial to know exactly the “times” we are moving into and align the subconscious driver into agreement.

Everything shakes, rattles and rolls, and all that holds the frequency of the old beliefs is removed, beliefs are frequencies, which are templates, and these dissolve once the new template/grid anchors and expands, the anchoring happened during the previous solar minimum, and by the solar cycle beginning to heighten and change in activation energy we saw many wayshowers begin their heart awakening experience, and as more awakened during the past decade the new template of the 5th dimension became more powerful.

As the light increases, as more release the programmed beliefs, and figure out how this all actually works the earth experience moves into a Quickening which is why in 2020, mid solar minimum that we are witnessing the world stage begin to mirror the discord back to Earth’s inhabitants.

But there is a way through, to be a part of the new, and to release the attachments to what is visibly dissolving.

It was through my years of connecting with the energy of Nostradamus, in which my dreams led me to study his life, and it was through these studies and transmissions that I was taught about physical body vibration, and the important crucial and yet constantly missed vital key, lost in the Piscean belief systems and social programming.

Being shown the separation, through lack, judgement, and strange beliefs systems held that lead us to value self on how much we can give, through sacrifice, through loyalty or commitments. All spirituality that has religious roots holds this same programming, and it doesn’t matter whether or not it is thought of in a religious way, the truth is, if it is grown from it, then it too will wither under this new powerful light now entering.

This is why there are abundance blocks in the spiritual arena, abundance being wealth through to health, in all ways, the disconnection now rapidly increasing, the gap between the “right path” and the light path widens.

The light path is the One path, that dissolves all belief systems, attachments and in return we are gifted with miraculous experiences, rapid healing, constant peace and a unlimited store of energy that provides stable focused fields in which we get to create and build the most magnificent Palaces of Light. And by the way I would have laughed these words off once before, thought myself a realist, and found myself to be my most magnificent abundance block, just from being a happy “realist” ended all ability to play with magic.

My own path didn’t allow me to continue to avoid like some seem to manage, my conviction to seeing imperfection as perfection led me to see nothing but perfection, always, and with this, it materialised, learning not to judge the imperfection slowly gave me realities that there werw no imperfection to judge even if I wanted it, I came to understand how it all worked.

I came to see how there was a form of spirituality that wasnt spirituality as I had come to know it, I even had to invent a new name for my path, whilst i released those attachments to labels, right, wrong, duality, I used the word univerSOULism because it allowed me the space to feel comfortable, but that over time released as everything just became a spectrum of unconscious through to conscious and then it was at this point that it became so very obvious that the path I once thought was all about spirituality was in fact just stories, mind junk and it was through being able to pull back, and realise the books, workshops, and teachers I had tried to follow and study were all as useless as a chocolate teapot and with this realisation I began to seek the path of truth, because there were principles in what I had learned within the stories that did have resonance, I knew there was Divine Truth somewhere encoded inside it all, which led me to learn patterns and templates.

What is found underneath it all is nothing different from our science and psychology classes, it is about biology, chemistry and physics, it’s about the mind, body and spirit, it’s where nature becomes maths and it’s fun and easy to understand and appreciate.

But then if we zip to the most highest of perspectives it’s an Alignment, which fractals out in everything we are and do, it’s a vibration that sends peace through the mind, peace through the physical and the energy reflects peace in the entire field.

Raising the physical body vibration.

Only possible when the mind is fully onboard with the choices, only possible when the intention is pure and not rooted in fear or escapism.

The perfect example could be weight loss diets, its why they don’t work, why people yo-yo, why they become a looping lifestyle, constantly experiencing lack

Understanding why and how is the first step to becoming, naturally, into a state of innerstanding, being the experience of what is known, knowledge to wisdom, mind awakening to heart awakening and it is through this path of learning that the phsyical body vibration will rise.

It’s not done through eating healthy, or being vegan or not drinking tap water, it doesn’t matter how many times one meditates, or if you choose to not digest chemicals, it doesnt matter what you know, because if all of this is from a seed of fear, then fear based experiences will blossom.

And yet, it does become all about much of the above once the fear is removed, difference being is it happens itself once each learns to receive the guidance, through dropping the judgement programming, because there will be times when we must flow into a feed frequency shift, there may be times the body will call for a source, that perhaps the old spiritual ways would have once passed judgement and refused the urgent request because of an outdated disconnected belief.

The key to healing is rooted in the ability to pay attention and to hold patience and yes I will be so bold as to say we can all heal, once we fully understand exactly what healing is. It’s knowing how this all works, it’s being able to stop the ego need to rush out there to show off our Unhealed Healer “gifts” and tools picked up in the darkness handed most often by the shadowy fortune tellers who tell all they are natural healers, the hall of mirrors, all who identify with healers are healing and are in no way able to heal what hasn’t been healed within, this of course is a huge misalignment.

And yet those who chose to heal, and become the healed healer knows you cannot heal another, knows that nothing and no one is separate and fully understands that it is not healing that’s required but for the field to continue to rapidly rise in frequ2ncy, light is what brings the change, and we each have a responsibility to either speed it up, or slow it down.

So whilst the world shows off it’s chosen clearing modalities, such as fire, dis-ease and war, what we now do is identify this within each of us, and if we discover worry, fear, suffering and victim then it must be fully realised that the frequency held is currently that which is moving through dissolution, a hard pill to swallow, to know the core frequency held is a part of the collective dead wood, preparing for a chop, but it’s a truth pill that will awaken many into a state of responsibility and a high level of respect will enter to begin the Alignment Process, raising the phsyical vibration which results in a life experience devoid of sickness, suffering, and in return gifts One the sound platform to be a pioneer of the new.

Angels The Secret, the wisdom, the max health cheat on your life game, its hidden within you, it’s encoded within each, what we don’t physically like to see out there, we support and heal within, through our self love and forgiveness for our own, personal powerful dis-ease driving programs once held, and we heal this with validation, giving a vibrational increase to experience, and ultimately more light speed to our collective field.

We cannot and would not want to stand in the way of an age in a state of change, but what we can do is fully surrender, accepting all that needs to be Divinely Detached from and with love and compassion send out our light to speed up the process, and as each releases the fear vibrations and enters the healing waters of compassion, what we achieve, together, will be an array of more smoother transitional paths to choose from collectively.

If you would like to journey with me and 79 other committed light pioneers who I share the keys and light gems I have picked up along the light path then send an email over to [email protected], and for each who connects and enquires about the SOUL-AR Alignment keys will receive two modules, Karma Dogs and Empowering the Empath.

Join with me, supporting our collective grid from within, healing from the inside out

So much love 💙💙💙

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Season 1 Thoughts

There were a lot of creative decisions (storylines, editing, pacing) that I didn’t agree with when it came to Roswell, New Mexico, but instead of focusing on the negative I’m going to go over what I did love about the first season. (Rest assured that if they’re not renewed for a second season, I will then make a post to roast the shit out of everything I didn’t agree with, including the events of the finale).

Things I loved about the various characters/storylines (omitting all of my gripes):

Liz - Jeanine gave such a powerhouse performance as Liz. She’s so strong and smart. Half the things that needed to be solved on the show were solved by her. She’s warm and kind. Throughout the series she’s given so many opportunities to be bitter and not do the “right” thing - but she does it anyway. Liz is a good person and I’m so glad she was able to open her heart up to love again. With that said, I love that so much of her storyline was focused, not just on Max, but the love she had for her sister. Sister love is POWERFUL and unless you’re a girl who has a sister, you might not fully understand what kind of sacrifices they would make for each other but this show got that love right.

Isobel - Isobel is a person who has been used and abused since she was a young teenager. Her abuse may not have been physical and known like Michael’s or Alex’s, but it was mental and present. She allowed herself to love and she was ultimately betrayed for it more than anyone else. She may not have made peace with the situation yet, but she was able to stand up for herself in the end and now she’s going to start exploring her own abilities. For someone who always just wanted to be “normal” she’s accepted who she is. She’s going to figure out exactly what she can do and become stronger than ever.

Max - Max loves with his whole heart. He makes mistakes (BIG ones), he carries guilt for those mistakes, but in the end he tries to make up for them. His love for Liz and his want to help correct his mistakes ultimately cost him his life. For someone who is largely deemed as selfish, it was a selfless act. He didn’t try to save Rosa to be a hero. He tried to save her because he thought he could, because he wanted to give back a life that was stolen, because he wanted Liz to have her sister again.

Jenna - Badass with a heart of gold. Another great example as to the profound amount of love one can have for their sister. The show could have turned Jenna in to a villain, but they didn’t. She had feelings for Max but she recognized that Max’s feelings for Liz were greater. She knew what they were to each other and instead of inserting herself in the middle, she removed herself from the situation and wished them well. She could have helped Jesse but instead went to Alex. She protected the aliens, she protected Max, at her own expense. She wasn’t used. She always knew what the deal was between the two of them. She had the bravery to tell Max that, that would be the last favor she ever did for him because she knew it’s what would be best for her. I hope we see her back one day.

Michael - Michael has been through A LOT. Despite everything he’s been through, he might love more deeply than anyone else on this entire show. I also think that terrifies him. He closes himself off to accepting other people’s love because of his trauma and it’s realistic and valid. Despite what he says, Michael’s actions and behavior always speaks more to what he’s feeling. He says he doesn’t have family, but he loves Max and Isobel like they are. Michael will never have a relationship that works until he reaches the point where he accepts that other people can and do really, truly love him. It’s that age old “you can never really give love until you’re ready to receive it” thing and that’s so fucking relatable to me because I’m the exact same way.

Kyle - Kyle, like Jenna, they also could have made into a villain and they didn’t. He loves Liz, he supports Liz, even knowing she loves someone else. He didn’t try to insert himself into their whole thing or try to get back together with her. Instead he basically stepped up and asked what she needed from him. It took him on a journey that changed his life and his view of a parent he idolized. Even at the end when he was breaking down, he had every excuse to revert back to something ugly, but he still took the higher road. Kyle may have used to be a homophobic bully, but he’s the proof that we all look for when we ask if it’s really possible for a person to change. Kyle changed and I’m proud that he continues to surprise me.

Maria - Maria’s love for her mom is so beautiful. Watching someone you love slowly lose themselves is one of the MOST difficult things, and seeing them show just how much stress it really puts on her life was wonderful (even though it was difficult to watch). I loved the little insight we got regarding Maria’s feelings of growing up in a town where everyone was white and how it was her mother that taught her to love her skin and her voice. The scene with her and Liz sitting on the billboard was so important. I also love that we know Maria’s family is involved with the aliens in some way (we just don’t know how yet). Also, on a more shallow note, Heather Hemmens is crazy beautiful so I’m grateful to the show for introducing me to her.

Alex - I mean....I honestly don’t know what to say about Alex. At this point I feel like I could write a dissertation about him. Alex has affected me in ways that I was not expecting. I didn’t really understand him at first. I was intrigued, but it took me a while to really see him. To truly see him. Alex is smart. Ridiculously smart. Remember when I said that Liz solved about half the things on the show? Alex solved the other half. He’s kind. He’s so freaking kind, and loving, and loyal. He stands up for his friends and calls them out when need be. Seeing his relationship with Kyle this season has been a blessing. They may not be “friends” (yet) but he’s willing to not look at how they were shaped by the past to instead concentrate on the present because it’s what’s needed. He has this capacity for love that’s so deep which is all the more amazing given by the fact that the two people who should have loved him unconditionally didn’t. He was abandoned by his mom and left to be raised by an abusive, homophobic man. He had every reason to turn out hateful like his dad, but he didn’t. His trauma cost him so much of himself, but this season he’s started to regain those pieces that had been chipped away. He confronted his abuser, he stopped running away from the man he’s in love with. He wants to be free. Free to live and love the way he’s always wanted to. Alex has spent this season regaining his agency, and it’s easily been my favorite character arc.

Extras:

The fashion choices on this show (at least regarding the women) are A+. Maria’s outfits were my favorite. The song selections were also amazing. Nothing makes me happier than some quality 90’s music so it was basically a fantasy brought to life to have a show that showcased it every episode. I even loved all of the cover versions of popular songs. I also had this idea of “what if they end the season playing Here With Me?” and they did, so I’m glad that at least everyone agrees that it was the only song choice that made sense. The show had a lot of great one liners, especially from Michael, Alex, Kyle, and Isobel. I truly believe they’re the snarkiest characters and lord do I want to see more of that.

So those are my positive thoughts on Season 1. Will I watch Season 2 if it’s renewed? Yes. There are a lot of things I wish I could change, but the one thing that the show did (relatively) well is create a multitude of characters that were easy to love in different ways and I *want* to know what happens to them next. So, hopefully, we’ll all get to have our weekly freak out moments again next TV season. We’ll see. 🤷🏼‍♀️

#roswell nm #roswell new mexico #echo #malex #shoutout to Noah who got screwed over so he’s been left out of the list

[itsclydebitches]

RWBY Recaps: Vol. 5 Rest and Resolutions + Alone Together

This is a re-posting from December 8th, 2017 in an effort to get all my recaps fully on tumblr. Thanks!

Hello, everyone! I apologize for the two week gap between reviews. Academia caught up with me in the worst way possible, but that is behind us now, hallelujah. There's a lot to cover in our last two episodes, so let's dive straight in.

First off, Ozpin is the Wizard theory confirmed.

We all knew it was coming, but it's still nice to finally have validation for that idea. Often times writers will deliberately askew what the viewers expect to happen in a failed attempt at originality (see Sherlock's season 3 premiere), but if you've planted the hints there's every reason to follow through with them. In true RWBY fashion though, this information leads to even more questions. I'm particularly interested in this balance between history and storytelling. That is, the version of Ozpin-as-Wizard that we hear about is explicitly a fairy tale and we all know that time has a tendency to twist events, especially when people begin to view them as just old wive's tales, rather than actual truth. All we really know is that Ozpin indeed gave much of his power to four girls, creating the original Maidens. However:

Did he really isolate himself like the story says? Honestly, if I'd been dealing with all Ozpin's shit I'd probably hide in the woods too.

How soon after receiving the curse did all this go down?

Depending on that timing, did Ozpin have reincarnations before he was the Wizard? Or is that his original form? A lot of fans still assume that he was also the King of Vale, though where that fits into the timeline is a little unclear.

Did Ozpin know at the time that his magic was finite? Or was this the event that clued him in?

Did he give the four women magic in a deliberate attempt to stop Salem? Or, like the story implies, was there a broader reason, the desire to give these women the power to continue spreading hope? That would certainly fit with the show's "honest soul" theme (and perhaps an indicator that characters like Ruby have something to teach Ozpin even as he teaches them, just as the original Maidens did).

Are the Maidens' powers connected to their original gifts? Winter is the Maiden of creation and encouraged Ozpin to meditate and reflect. Summer is destruction and, interestingly, told Ozpin to "step outside and embrace the world." Spring brought food and flowers to revitalize his garden and is the Maiden of knowledge, while Fall is choice and reminded Ozpin to be thankful for what he has. I can see some similarities among all that...

We might not ever get answers to questions like these. Unlike other fantasy series, RWBY is rather restricted by its medium--you can't spend page after page explaining nuanced world building as you would in a novel; we've only got about fifteen minutes max each episode and plenty of more important issues to tackle first. Still, it's something.

Besides that confirmation, "Rest and Resolutions" really lives up to its name. We have all the kids enjoying a happy meal together, with only Oscar noticeably absent. (I know, I know, he's housing Ozpin's soul and Ozpin needs to have Important Conversations with Qrow about the missing huntsmen, but let the kid hang out a bit with people closer to his age, yeah?) Much of this volume has been recap of one form or another, so as to make sure that each character is caught up on what everyone else has been doing and are aware of the information that others/the viewer already knows about. Ruby and co.'s conversation works similarly, only these callbacks are meant to induce a sense of nostalgia rather than act as firm plot foundation.

Jaune recounts "loosing" the map on their travels. Jaune. You literally threw it away when you realized that an entire town had been besieged by grimm. Like, I get that losing their map isn't great, but at least the guy is really invested in the welfare of others?

(cough--comforting Pyrrha instead of watching the door--cough)

(It's actually a personality "flaw" that, as we've seen twice now, can cause some serious consequences.)

The kids take turn complimenting one another (aww) and Ruby says that Ren was "out of control" during the fight against the Nuckelavee. I've seen a few autistic!Ren headcanons over the years and this perhaps can be read as evidence to support that. Ren drastically misreads the tone and intention of Ruby's comment, apologizing quite sincerely for his behavior and personal investment in that fight. It's only when Ruby clarifies that she meant it as a compliment that Ren understands... and thanks her. There's a lot of acceptance and support in this moment.

Weiss alludes to summoning her boar during the party (Ruby: "You did not!") and when Nora doesn't believe her Weiss summons the boar right next to her, startling the hell out of poor Nora. This really shows how much Weiss has improved. There's no hesitation, no need to concentrate--she just summons it up with pure ease right in the middle of a conversation.

I was actually rather surprised by Nora's reaction. Yeah, the jump scare was played for humor, but that combined with her horror at Yang detaching her arm... Nora seems a little... skittish to me?  I might be reading too much into things (I almost certainly am), but between these two moments, the joke about her eating, watching her sneak food last episode... they all read as not so subtle indicators of stress to me. And who can blame the girl.

Other nostalgic moments include our Vol. 1-3 nicknames: Ice Queen and Vomit Boy. The group has a long-overdue acknowledgement of how much they've grown since they were at school, with Ruby in particular delivering the iconic line that she tried to "1v1 a Nevermore on our second day of school." And the Death Stalker, Ruby. God bless this trigger-happy child.

There's also talk of Yang's arm. It did my heart good to see Ruby ooo-ing over the mechanics and Yang looking damn proud of it for once. The arm wrestling contest between her and Nora was, of course, fantastic. Yang's not just embracing this new part of her but actively using it to her advantage... that's exactly where we all knew she'd end up. Can't hold this girl down for long.

Yang: "It's no replacement for the real thing, but I'll make good use of it."

There's a radical tone change once dinner is over and Ozpin rejoins the conversation. Yang is clearly distrustful of him after her talk with Raven (despite the fact that Yang has no reason to trust Raven...) and in true Ozpin style he tries to console her with wisdom and compliments: "Your mother must trust you a great deal" if she told you all that.

Yeah. Sorry, Oz. You know as well as the audience that Raven told those secrets to manipulate her, not because she trusts her. That little strategy fell flat.

Ozpin confirms most of what Raven said though, including that he turned her and Qrow into birds. What Raven of course failed to mention was that they both agreed to the transformation. Whether that agreement was a strong and enthusiastic "Yes!" or the kind of consent that Pyrrha gave--a very complicated scenario with no good choices on the table--is hard to say. My own assumption is that Raven was probably thrilled to be given such a useful power, especially when she intended to turn it against the very community who gave it to her. She only regrets it now that her life hasn't turned out quite as planned. She, like others, is looking to use Ozpin as her scapegoat. 

In fact, we're given no explanation for Raven or Yang's anger here. Raven I can conceptualize--she's the type to blame others for her problems--but Yang? What exactly is so horrific about being turned into a kick-ass bird? As Ozpin describes it, this magic allows Qrow and Raven to "see more" and to be "unburdened" in ways that the normal huntsmen or huntress is not. This ability allows them to spy on Salem rather inconspicuously and, as we've seen in the case of Qrow, is useful in terms of keeping track of other people--like your wayward niece who goes off to try and take on the forces of darkness alone. As far as we've been told there's no downside to this ability beyond the fact that Ozpin's magic is finite, but that hardly effects Qrow. He transforms when he chooses, it doesn't seem to cause him any pain, it grants him an ability outside of his bad luck semblance, he already lives in a world where half the population has animal traits... seriously, where's this anger coming from? Just the fact that magic is an unknown to Yang and therefore scary? It's really unclear and frankly worrying considering how much Yang is basing her accusations and demands around that anger. 

Because the irony is that Yang demands no more secrets from Ozpin. He insists he doesn't keep secrets from them, just plays certain pieces of information close to the chest, but Yang says 'tomato tomahto’ even though, as we’ve just established, that wasn’t Ozpin’s secret to tell. And it has no repercussions that impact the rest of the group. Certainly not the girl who just showed up. I mean, maybe there is still a downside? They’ll definitely be a real backlash if the kids discover there is some horrific consequence to Qrow and Raven's ability and Ozpin didn’t say anything... but again, that’s not fair to Ozpin. Isn’t anyone going to ask Qrow why he kept this from his family? Or ask Yang why she’s suddenly on the side of the mother who abandoned her and is a known killer? Putting all this on Ozpin is, again, pretty worrying. 

Perhaps the most moving moment of the episode though is when Ozpin tells the kids that they can still leave. (Except Oscar of course. This poor kid. He got dragged into this fast and is the only one who's truly stuck with it.) He emphasizes that abstaining from battle is not the same thing as retreat and reminds us that these are just kids and they can't be expected to shoulder it all. No one stands except for Yang... but she's not leaving, just making it clear that whatever Ruby decides to do she'll follow her lead. It re-emphasizes that Ruby isn't just a strategic leader like Jaune is. She's the moral compass of the group. Once Ruby decides to keep fighting--and we know she always will--the rest of her family follows. That’s... not always a good thing though. Everyone needs a reason for fighting this kind of war and I don’t think ‘because Ruby is fighting it too’ is powerful enough to carry them through whatever new hardships they’ll face. 

Because you can’t keep the peace for long. We're left with one hell of a cliff-hanger as Emerald, Mercury, Cinder, and Watts approach Raven's camp, the whole gang demanding an audience--or more likely a Maiden. Every fan who cried over the fact that Emerald isn't in the opening finally got to see their fave prepping for a fight and I for one am looking forward to a real battle this Volume. None of the measly stuff we've seen with Blake or in training. For the first time this will, presumably, be Maiden vs. Maiden and I expect something epic.

Luckily the episode airs soon!

Before that though we have the heart-wrenching episode "Alone Together," wherein three fourths of Team RWBY finally get some downtime together. Ruby is up very early due to difficulty sleeping (who can blame her) and she soon realizes that Weiss and Yang are in the same boat. Loved Yang's sisterly "Boop" with her hair (pick that up from Nora, did you?) and Weiss knows her friends well, dumping an unholy amount of sugar into Ruby's coffee to make sure she likes it. "Nice Weiss strikes again!"

I'm quite liking Nice Weiss this Volume. What a step up from Ice Queen.

There's a bit more recapping--Ruby is called out on her priorities. That fact that they're all together at Haven Academy; that's what she can't believe?--before the conversation quickly turns to when they'll see Blake again. We've watched Yang deal rather well with the loss of her arm this past Volume and she kept a comparatively cool head around her mother. This though... this is what's really been festering.

Yang says that Blake "made her choice" and expresses very little interest in seeing her again. Weiss and Ruby are, understandably, shocked. With shaking hands and a flash of red eyes, Yang finally reveals what's truly been holding her back. Not her arm, not Raven, not any anger at Ruby, but the fact that Blake ran from them. Again.  

It's an understandable flaw on Blake's part, and it's equally understandable that this would nevertheless frustrate and upset Yang. I love that it's Weiss who helps her see Blake's perspective in all this: that after finally opening up to them, everything she'd feared actually did come to pass. The family she'd found was torn apart. Beacon fell. Adam hurt Yang in the worst possible way. She brought down the metaphorical walls around her heart and the literal walls of Beacon crumbled. As far as Blake is concerned, getting close to others really did bring nothing but misery. It's not logical, but emotions rarely are. Of course she's going to try and get as far away from them as possible after that, as well as return to her parents. It was a move born equally from a desire to protect herself as well as others.

It says a great deal about Yang's maturity that she does understand Blake's perspective rather quickly (even if, interestingly, she can’t understand Ozpin’s. A difference in who she actually cares for). Notably this is done through Weiss' own experiences, her admission that they've all experienced their own versions of loneliness. Yang says she doesn't blame Blake for the decision any longer; she's just upset that Blake hasn't realized yet (as Yang herself has) that things are easier when you stick together. That she, Ruby, and Weiss could have supported Blake through this... and that they need her support too. Yang resolves to be there for Blake just as soon as she's ready. The girl has a wealth of love within her. And yes, a lot of that stems from adopting the role of caretaker early, looking after Ruby as a big sister, but the fact that Yang can separate her current desire to protect her friends from that difficult childhood is huge. She knows how trauma has shaped her and she's prepared to make the best of it.

Ruby finally does check up on them and lets out a heartfelt sigh. Everything's okay.

Now, I'll be real interested to see if Yang's shaking lessens after she's reconciled with Blake...

Meanwhile, there's Ilia. And you all know what I'm going to discuss here.

There's a lot to say about her meeting with Blake--the well-played betrayal; our look at how Blake might end up in Mistral; the introduction of a very cool spider faunus; Ilia's speech about how there's no right or wrong, no innocents, just doing "what's best for us" that reminded me strongly of Roman's own speech--but for now, especially given how long this review already is, I want to focus in on her sexuality.

(FYI what I have below was originally written as a separate post, so apologies for the repetition.)

In the past week I've seen numerous complaints about how the fandom is “whining” about finally getting what they want. I’m one of the “whiners,” and this, to be frank, is not what I asked for.

Let’s start with the acknowledgment that yes, no matter who Rooster Teeth chose as their first LBGTQIA character, some people were going to be disappointed. Either because the choice doesn’t fit their ship or because of the dichotomy we’re seeing now: the Good vs. Evil gay character divide. It’s a simple disagreement on the surface that nevertheless houses a lot of important questions and concerns: should you make your gay character one of the Good Guys in order provide positive representation, or should you make them one of the Bad Guys in order to provide diverse representation? Do you send the message that being gay is wonderful by associating it with the heroes, or something that’s natural by associating it with the villains--making a statement that anyone can be LGBTQIA, not just the ones you’re rooting for?

The answer to this dilemma is that you do both. You provide variety in order to likewise provide true, diverse representation. However, the reality is that we haven’t reached a point in most media where you get lots and lots of gay characters to provide lots and lots of diversity… so therefore I feel rather strongly that the first character should be a positive portrayal.

Why? Because we’re not living in a positive world. Because we’re still a part of societies where LGBTQIA people are ridiculed, discriminated, and murdered. Because the idea that it’s not just okay, but fantastic to be gay is FAR from universal.

Because we have a very long, awful history of villains associated with gay stereotypes. Because there’s literally a Psycho Lesbian trope with plenty of examples to choose from. Because we don’t live in a culture where you can casually throw out ‘gay’ + ‘bad guy’ and expect your audience to separate the two critically.

Which brings me back to Ilia.

For all these reasons I was truly disappointed to see that she was our first LBGTQIA character. Out of a wealth of women in this show who love each other in healthy and nuanced ways, they were all bypassed for a character who is currently one of the Bad Guys.

Is Ilia pure evil? Of course not. I’ve mentioned previously about how much we see her struggling with her choices, but she’s currently not on a good path either. More importantly, the way her sexuality is revealed does nothing but position it badly. Let’s break that scene down just a bit. The first LGBTQIA content we’re given is:

A woman who is working for an extremist group that in turn is working for the Big Bad

Ilia reveals her sexuality after having her henchmen abuse Blake, attacking her, forcing her onto her knees, and announcing that they’re currently attempting to murder her parents

Ilia says that she wanted Blake to look at her like she once looked at Adam, intentionally or not drawing parallels between her love and Blake’s abuse

She positions her sexuality as at least partly a justification for her actions. Illia is subtly blaming Blake: if you’d paid more attention to me, maybe none of this would have happened. It actively positions all this horror as at least partly a consequence of same sex attraction

Does all of this craft a rather complex, LGBTQIA character? Absolutely, but it’s also one that left a rather sour taste in my mouth. Overt, same-sex attraction is still so rare in our media and frankly I’m sick of it. I’m sick of vague comments, queer baiting, or promises of something “coming later.” I’m equally sick of burying our gays and having same-sex attraction presented as something that only those who are otherwise sick in their morals would experience. Is it so much to ask for something reaffirming in a series that keeps growing in popularity and influence?

Will there be more LGBTQIA characters in RWBY? I assume so, I hope so, but for now all we have is Ilia. A character who, I’d also like to point out, we barely know. I’m sure she’s lots of fans’ fave, but I for one have little interest in this side character… and her position as a side character makes me nervous for her survival. Her sexuality only compounds that.

Rooster Teeth had a huge opportunity here. LGBTQIA viewers have waited five years to see someone like them in this series and it could have been a really magnificent reveal. It could have been Yang realizing her feelings as she worked through her anger at Blake. Or Weiss realizing hers for Yang as they get closer this Volume. Or Ruby for Weiss. Or Weiss for Blake. Hell, give us a throwaway line about Port and Oobleck being happy husbands, or let Ren be pan, or let Oz admit to same-sex attraction after having lived thousands of years…. I don’t care. I’ll take any ship wars that develop as a consequence. All I wanted was to see a character I know and love embracing their sexuality in a way that reaffirmed how proud I am of my own.

Instead it’s Ilia, admitting feelings for Blake while she plots to kill her parents. While she hurts her and betrays her. Sorry if I find that a little difficult to watch. Sorry if I need to “whine” about it just a bit.

So yes. Needless to say I'm disappointed. After that I couldn't really appreciate Ghira's transformation and concern for his wife, or Kali's badass, "Get out of my house!" As said, the whole scene with Ilia left a bad taste in my mouth. I know Rooster Teeth can do better.

Hopefully we do get better. Preferably soon. This is the perfect, filler kind of Volume to set up more characterization, including queer sexualities, and we've got four more episodes until the hiatus.

Tick, tock, RT.

Other Details of Note

Nora, what exactly happened with you and that punch?

I liked the gears on the wall clock. Which begs the question: where did this house come from? Is it a safe place that Ozpin had set up long before Beacon's fall?

They ate ALL that food. Everything they'd prepared while expecting who knows how many huntsmen/huntresses. Never underestimate the appetites of a group of teenagers.

James and Glynda get mentioned this volume! Everyone rejoice! Now if only we got to see them on screen...

Nora exclaiming about how Qrow and Raven are named after birds was pretty hilarious. It's not like we weren't already thinking it. Despite all the jokes on tumblr though, there's no way Ozpin chose those forms specifically because of the Branwens' names. If anything, this seems to act as evidence that a person's semblance/abilities draws on their personality, rather than the other way around.

There are a number of bird motifs throughout "Alone Together," including our opening shot of Ruby watching them fly overhead and a pair of carved ducks on display in the bedroom where Yang and Weiss chat. It's a nice nod to one of this Volume's major themes. (Or, if we buy into this headcanon that this place is a safe house purchased specifically for Qrow, then Ozpin needs to get called out on his on-the-nose decorating lol).

Yang staring at the team photo hurt in so many ways. Excellent touch there.

We have that acknowledged parallel between Weiss and Ruby, in which Yang (and the audience) expects it to be Ruby knocking on the door, trying to talk. The difference is that now, months later, Yang is actually in a position to open up to someone and that someone is Weiss, now just as much a sister to Yang as Ruby is.  

Confirmation that Weiss' mom is an alcoholic. We knew that was coming too...but still. Yikes.

Yang cries! Let all the children keep crying! It's good and natural!

There's a "nocturnal section" of Menagerie. Of course there is. God I can't believe I didn't think of that.

Ilia can completely blend in with the shadows. It's official now: all Volume 1-3's shadow people are just really, really shy chameleon faunuses. Spread the word.

That blow Blake took seemed to hit her pretty hard. Kind of like how Oscar staggered when he got hit without his aura... could Blake really trust Ilia enough to attend this meeting without proper protection? She might, which makes Ilia's betrayal all the worse. In the episode where Yang talks of letting Blake support and be supported by others, she was finally willing to do that with an old friend. Obviously having that backfire won't help Blake to open up any further.

GIF credit: http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/841077-rwby

#rwby #mymetas #RWBY Recaps

[en-busca-de-nuevas-obras]

Chapter 13

Story Summary:  What would’ve happened if Meave’d had her way? What if Aelin’d gone to Doranelle when she was “supposed to”? How much of the story would have changed? Spoiler alert: a lot.

Previous  Next    Ao3

First Chapter

People who wanted to be tagged: @snaps7    @cherryblossomfae @silenceofthe-angel  @cofeechocolates

“… This is ludicrous. They’re not moving against Terrasen. We have peace with Adarlan. Even more so, they had requested to come here to reinforce the trade markets. What on earth makes you believe they have intentions of moving against us” the council member finished his longwinded speech by raising his hands in a theatrical manner that Rowan knew fully well was only for the king’s benefit. For him to know how dramatic and dire the situation was.

It was an effort not to cringe at the number of clichés he had to endure in one afternoon. Let alone in all the expand of months he had to bear these same debates ever since the king of Terrasen had finally allowed him to be part of them. It had even taken Aelin to plead his case for her uncle to let Rowan be part of the planning. Pathetic.

Indeed, Rowen’s been part of many versions of those council meetings already in his life. Working for Meave had meant traveling to many kingdoms to do exactly what he was traying to do just then: to end their wars and make fruitful alliance with Doranelle – even, if in this case, was disguised with the pretense of taking care of a fire bringer child. He was sure he was there only for that purpose, for what other reason the queen would have to let him be away from the stone castle for so long.

He caught himself before he could yawn at them all and schooled his features into his calculated self once more and said to the businessman “Even if I respect where you’re coming from, Lord Gunnar. I must remind you that this was done before on other kingdoms throughout Erilea” He pointed to three points on the map “They are clearly visiting those places so they can strike some pretense of peace, scout the land, and then bring the army once they know where to station them” He nodded to Evalin and Rhoe as he explained “It is an awfully used strategy but due to protocols and diplomacy, it can never be deterred if one is always hopping for peace”

“So you say, Prince.” Lord Darrow stared at him as he always did, narrowed eyes and a furrow over his brow, clearly not happy with him speaking at all “We are being leaded into a trap and we can’t even say not to it. It seems a little paranoid to us, if you don’t mind me agreeing with Gunnar”

“Weylan, please,” Murtaugh cut in. His tone patiently with the Lord, indicating that there’s been more than one time where one of the councilmen had to intervene in Darrow’s sneers. “He’s obviously stating that we should use this opportunity to plan ahead. Not to be blinded by promises. They have after all, made the same alliances before and broke them.”

“And yet. They will predict our reservations about their arrival.” The first businessman proposed to them, just as he have for weeks by then. “As the Prince stated. Yes, we’re aware of the many attacks on their former allies. Which led us to believe there’s no reason for Adarlan to assume we aren’t expecting the same. However, if their intentions are ill. Then why use the same strategy? Why the king himself is coming when he’s never done it before?  Why come here with the risk of an ambush?”

The other men in the room appeared to ruminate for the umpteenth time on the overused argument. Had Rowan been younger or a lesser male, he would’ve scream at them all. He had no doubt of it. Even for a Prince accustomed to strong headed leaders, he couldn’t fathom how much time it took them to arrive to a decision. To see that no one found it tiresome made him ill. To remember it would be soon a year since he arrived to Orynth and almost nothing’s been decided made his ice burn cold through his veins.

At least, Evalin and Rhoe sighted then “We’ve been through this countless of times, Uncle” the later finally cave in. “With the same arguments that we’ve been discussing since the letter from Adarlan came here.”

“And they are already on our doorstep and we need to take action.” Evalin nodded to her husband as she continued. As always, ready to take the decision to protect their family first.  “The prince Rowan should call Doranelle’s help before it’s too late.”

Rowan held his breath as he waited for the king’s answer. And even though he was there for that exact same reason, he dreaded it. Even if it was already done. One part of him – the one weak and hopeful – wanted this war to be extinguished before they come to this. The thought of his companions fighting in this land of learning and prosperity, the thought of battles staining the green hills red, of mud ruining the white snow scenery. It all threaten him to remember another time in his life when a peaceful prefect picture was tainted by blood. The warrior in him fought every day to crush those thoughts. Not always succeeding.

Now, shaking out of his thoughts he faced the king, waiting for his decision.

Orlon payed great attention to every word said in the meetings and in private with his councilmen, musing over every argument to a fault of dragging this particular debate this late in the planning for war. If only to be completely certain he would take the right decision, or perhaps the least wrong one; he often reminded them. Rowan heard the ruler was a great warrior but it was clear that now, at his late age, he was more concerned for his family and kingdom’s safety. Which could only make the fae prince respect the king more so.

Nonetheless, a decision had to be taken for the council men.

“You may call upon your companions, Prince” he declared and even said Rowan’s title without the mocking tone of the rest of his council. And, before any of the lords could argue, made his exit. Surely going to prepare himself for Adarlan's arrival.

Evalin Ashryver had to breathe in and out countless times before she was ready to prepare her daughter. She wasn’t sure of the reason. It could have been the anxiety for an imminent and yet elusive war, it might as well be the anger of so much time wasted in petty arguments with the king’s councilmen, it could definitely be the fact that her family was in danger. The thought of leaving Aelin by herself to fight alongside her husband. The thought of letting her into battle with her fire as so many Lords had dared to suggest. Indeed, she wouldn’t be able to pinpoint her emotions for a long time, not as long this threat kept luring over their heads.  

Once every man left the council room, she squeezed her husband hands. Her only goodbye before heading towards Aelin’s tower. She couldn’t even glance at him. Not wanting him to see the fear in her eyes. No matter that she knew he would understand it, perhaps even share it.

They had put a lot of trust in their plants to use Doranelle’s forces. Going so far as to go there with only the king’s blessing, forgetting in their frenzy to ask for his men approval. A grave mistake, as they loved to point out ever since they reached Terrasen soil. It’d cost them months of planning, since they insisted in vetting the Prince for themselves, before letting him hear about their discussions of war.

Rhoe and Evalin hadn’t been deterred, though.

They’d met with Rowan night after night. Scheming their way back to those meetings. Going through every argument before putting them before the council. And yet, it hadn’t been enough. Nothing was for them.

Evalin shuddered at the memory of that dreaded night she decided with her husband to go over them once and for all. Weeks have passed since the day they cornered Rowan in one of Aelin’s training. Asking him to send the letters to his so-called cadre. Forgetting all protocol and reminding him of his duty to them, not Terrasen’s crown. They have been the ones who bargained with the fae Queen, not the king or his council. It was, after all, for Aelin’s safety, they reminded him.

The Prince wasn’t happy at the least. Nor surprised, he claimed. It had been a shock to hear his warnings about Aedion’s father. To realize how much he knew and how long he’d planned for Gavriel’s arrival. And yet, it had been a comfort too. One Evalin cherished in their current sea of dreadful waiting.

Once Evalin reached the door of her daughter’s chambers, she schooled her features into a fearless if not distracted look. She could do it for her. She would be brave again for her fireheart. Or at least she would fake it.

Rowan Whitethorn hated the King of Adarlan.

He couldn’t wrap his mind around his true intentions. Each speech and praise directed to the council members seemed as if tailormade for their vanity. And yet, his negotiations were swift and ruthless enough to show some clear motives for these meetings.

Still. He couldn’t fathom the reasons behind the trip all the way north just to meet the Royal Family. As the reports claimed, he’d only left the castle to attend battles. Even if Adarlan had moved with this particular strategy before, the King have never been involved. It was, to say the least, a little outputting for the fae Prince trying to piece together a strategy for his upcoming companions.

It all made him the more anxious whenever the king set his eyes on Aelin. As if he too was trying to piece something together. Something regarding the princess of Terrasen. It made the hairs in Rowan’s neck rise. Indeed, the second time he glanced at her – as if seeing a treasure in an eight-year-old – he had to check his instincts, the fae need to protect. He couldn’t afford to be that noticeable. Even if all Adarlan’s party knew of his presence in the castle. So he kept his place beside the windows a few feet away from their table, looking for an untrained eye as any other guard.  

“You eat like a fine lady” he heard Aelin said to Adarlan’s Crown Prince.

Rowan had to suppress a smile at that. He could always count on Aelin not caring about the threats around her and just being her usual self. Perhaps it was her youth that kept her fearless, perhaps it was a mask. No matter what it was, he could never stop himself from being impressed at her wickedness.  

He shook those thoughts away from him. After all, Terrasen could not afford him being distracted for even a second. Even if the reaction of the prince was even more puzzling than he expected - with all the fear of one not wanting to caught one’s father’s attention. Even if he couldn’t help but wonder about his own long gone child at the side of other's offspring there.

Rowan was trying hard to read between the lines of politics and schemes pouring out from Adarlan and Orynth alike when he heard the impossible. “If you like, you could be my friend”

He smiled then. It wasn’t every day that Aelin tried acting like a kid. He often wondered how she could be so serious and guarded with her nursemaid’s daughter. Why, now that she could control her flames, wouldn’t she brave the hills with other people than Aedion and just be free. Why she only let herself befriend her cousin. Why she said her book characters were her only friends. He often asked about it and she refused to give answer. Always lifting her sword and chin a little higher afterwards.

Rowan couldn’t help but feel proud of the princess. She had listened. But then he heard the prince’s reply and lost all hope. I have a friend... Now he had to suppress the need to roll his eyes at the boy.

Every time Rowan spent time around kids, he was reminded of how thoughtless they always seemed to be. Mora than before, he couldn’t stop himself from asking himself if his child might’ve been different. If it having Rowan as a guide, as someone who would actually pay attention to him, perhaps they would’ve been kinder. He would never know now, wouldn’t he? He robbed himself from that knowledge the day he decided that his own glory was more important. Which is more, as he’d been before, surely his child might’ve end up being even nastier.  

Rowan cursed himself for opening that door, for letting the what ifs swarm his head again. After centuries of having that weakness shut deep inside him, he could not allow himself to be distracted by something as pathetic as asking what could have been different. Specially not now. Not when every word said in the room could mean an advantage for an imminent war. Not when Aelin –

“Princess?” the captain of the guard concerned voiced struck him out of his reverie.

The princess sat up from the table rubbing her head and mumbling for something to stop. Every foolish thought rushed out of his mind as he felt the magic inside Aelin surging up to protect her. To protect the girl from something that only seemed to be taking place in her head. Aelin reached for her glass of water, brows furrowed and nose pinched up. The expression of pain in the kid’s face threatened to send him to his knees. The panic locking him in place.

He saw the princess reach for him as every eye of the court was on her. Lady Marion and Quinn calling after her. Rowan heard rather than saw Evalin’s cereful approach “What is it, Fireheart?” she called after her daughter. But Aelin kept walking towards him.

Feet wobbling, she reached him, sticking a hand up to steady herself. “What’s wrong, Princess?” he heard himself asking, a weak and frightened voice dominating him.

She gripped his arm as she whispered “I don’t feel well”

Her mother rushed after them, quickly putting her hands in Aelin’s face as she asked at no one in particular “What is it? What’s feels wrong?” She glanced back at him, then at Rhoe who watched beside the King of Adarlan “She’s burning up”

Rowan heard Evalin asking for a healer, but it was all a blur as he focused on Aelin. Rubbing at her temples as if trying to get rid of something. It was pure fear he felt as he saw her walking away from them, smoke singeing her dress as she screamed at the thing inside her head “Get it out” over and over.  

It was nothing he could do but watch as her father called her name, ready to battle whatever may trouble her. Watch as half the room was standing up to see, as frightened fools were running out of the dinner hall. The horror, of not knowing how to help her, kept him as a useless spectator and he cursed himself for it.  

And then it happened. Blue flame shot out. Leaving him the exact time to feel it and shield the room to spare the people around them.

His magic could feel hers scream at something. Surging up to protect her again and again. She had enough flames in her to shattered the world, if she wanted to. One second she was there and the next she was a burning flame, blue fire shielding her from anything but the thing inside her. It raised above her head threatening to reach the ceiling.

He sent his magic. Building a shield around her. Still too dumbstruck to do anything else.

There was a bellowing from Rhoe at Evalin. He didn’t understand the pleading in the woman’s face until he saw the cloud of water heading towards the kid. A roar escaped from his mouth as he crushed the wave with his wind, sending it to soak the entire dining hall but leaving Aelin untouched.

The room felt silent as he approached the fire child. Crying and cowering on the floor. The flames doing nothing to quell the pain in her head. For some reason he could feel it. And new roar threatened to scape his mouth but he crushed it as he schooled his features into neutrality. He would not let them torture her further. Rowan would not let the kid fear her mother or her waves.

“I’m sorry” he told her when their eyes met. It wasn’t but a whisper but she nodded knowing all the same. Knowing what was to happen. Tears nothing but steam as soon as they escaped her.

He hadn’t given himself more time to think about it before he took the air out of her lungs, extinguishing the flames all together. Not long after, a blanket passed before him and wrapped the princess. The nursemaid rushed out of the room with her, surely taking her with the healers.

For many years it’d all been a blur to him, the instincts and the panic blending the minutes together. Only one thing was clear in his memory. The scene unfolded after that wretched chaos. The water spilled in the entire room. The food wasted, the cups spilling their drinks staining the floor with wine. The heartbroken family rushing to their daughter. The king of Terrasen stunned and frozen still in his seat. The councilmen sneering at the door through which the princess had banished. And through it all, the king of Adarlan looking at third time at the princess before she was carried out. A smile horribly placed upon his face.

Just a day after that particularly interesting dinner, The Crown Prince of Adarlan found himself seated in an elaborate tea party in the middle of the most lavish garden he had ever seen. He was sure his mother was already taking notes of it. Of every ornate fountain mimicking lovers or dears, the hedges perfectly placed beside one another and every flower selected to compliment the scent of the nature around it.

Indeed, it was all well and gorgeous until seeing how extremely cared for the Princess of Terrasen was – with her dozens of guards, plus her cousin beside her on their table and her fae warrior not far behind – made him realize of something quite depressing.  

Dorian realized then how much he hated every part of being the Crown Prince of a battle-hungry kingdom. Hated to be so utterly important for the crown prestige and yet being just as utterly useless. He was, after all, just a kid. Thus, he was invisible.

The prince was a pretty jewel in his father's persona, shiny to look at first, but to be quickly forgotten in all the king’s splendor.

He was constantly amazed of how easy it was to blend with the scenery. How easy was to scape to find his own amusement elsewhere. Amazed and pained, if he was honest. To the point of hating how he could be that forgettable.

And yet. Now could have been the perfect time to disappear. To be as far from the mind of his companions as he could be. But his luck could never be as good, couldn’t it?

Just as he was getting comfortable with being irrelevant in a court where everyone seemed on edge and with weapons at the ready. He had to upset the princess of the land, hadn’t he? His manners had to falter right at that particular tea party, hadn’t they? With so many members in Terrasen’s court to choose from, of course the prince would slip up in the presence of no other than the princess Aelin and her fae companions.

The stain isn’t as bad as it could be though he wanted to assure her. But deep down, he knew it wouldn’t be enough to un-pinch the girl's face.

Dorian could almost see the debate going around her warrior’s head. Perhaps wondering if it really would be that bad to throttle him for such an insult – the one made now, and surely the one made the day before, the one Dorian was almost sure had been the cause of the following madness.

And when the prince could finally breathe again, when he realized the massive fae male decided to let it go, the princess decided for the other fae on the table.

“Cousin, I think it’s time to show how a knight is always prepared to defend his kin, don’t you agree?”

Right there and then, Dorian decided he would never complain again for being left to be invisible. He finally understood how lucky he was, and how ungrateful.

Still he hoped the princess' guards would take pity on him. So he glanced at the fae warrior behind Aelin, with those blue eyes of him that rendered his nursemaid powerless every time. And regretted it. There was nothing but amusement at the princess' wickedness. Dorian tried with the other guards, but he found no mercy in them either, just some tired resignation.

There was nothing to be done then.

Dorian was whishing his pretty face farewell when someone approached them from the southern part of the gardens. Rendering the entire party silent. For the newcomer wasn’t just another court member. He wasn’t from Terrasen or even Erilea. Dorian would have dared to say he didn’t belong to the earth of the living at all. At least he didn’t seem so.

He was some great fae warrior, gleaming with weapons. Larger than the Prince Rowan. Face hewn as granite and dark clothed. A trail of darkness trailing behind him. Suddenly, Aedion and Rowan didn’t look half as bad to Dorian anymore.

“We need to speak with you” said the fae and Dorian heard the Princess whispering a name under her breath Lorcan.  The quiet terror in her voice telling him all he needed to know as how much of a wide berth he should give to the warrior.

Nonetheless, The Crown Prince of Adarlan watched in awe as the Prince nodded to Lorcan. Shifting his features in something completely other. A soldier more than prince, Dorian realized. And it was all he could do not to faint before the male approached their table and asked the cousins “Please be merciful with your guests” giving then a quick nod to him “Your Highness”

As he saw the two fae male disappear into the gardens he tried to breathe evenly again. Though he failed miserably once he heard Aedion say to his cousin. “We can’t promise anything”

#rowaelin fic? #rowaelin #rowan whitethorn #aelin ashryver #aelin ashryver galathynius #dorian havilliard #evalin ashryver galathynius #throne of glass #tog fic #throne of stone - fic

[barryslightningrod]

Treasure Chest

Iris comes home just in time to witness a touching moment between Barry and their twins.

At long last, after a nearly twelve-hour workday, Iris makes it back home, amazed at her endurance. This week had proven the extent of her stamina, which had likely improved after carrying twins and subsequently mothering them, but while she had transitioned smoothly back into working full-time once Don and Dawn began pre-school, she hadn’t been this swamped in a long while. Today’s agenda had included lengthy meetings with several representatives of mainstream news publications regarding potential collaboration with the Central City Citizen. Iris never anticipated that what once started as a simple blog could evolve into an award-winning news source that had large media hubs vying for association, but she wouldn’t change a thing, busier workdays and all.

Well, she supposes that isn’t entirely true. She would without doubt love more time with her children and with Barry, but considering the partnership she and Barry had skillfully navigated together thus far in parenting their twins and in building their family, she recognizes her blessings: one being her incredibly selfless (and speedy) husband, the other being her bright and (mostly) behaved sweethearts. 

Iris smiles as she takes in the polished kitchen that was Barry’s doing as well as the picked flowers awkwardly propped into a water glass that was surely the doing of her four-year-olds. Perhaps she’s right in that she wouldn’t change a thing.

As she climbs the stairs however, she realizes that no level of contentedness is a match for how exhausted she is, and she heads toward the master bedroom wearily, ready to collapse into a much-needed slumber. 

Barry sounding from the other end of the hallway however takes her by surprise. If he was in the twins’ room at this hour that could only mean they were still awake, despite the clock indicating that it was past their regular bedtime. 

Sure enough, she makes out his charged tone as she approaches. 

“Come on, Sluggers,” Barry instructs. “It’s time to go to bed.”

“Do we have to?” Iris hears a small voice nag. She chuckles lightly to herself: Dawn always questioned whether anything she was asked to do was necessary. 

“Yes, you have to,” Barry replies, his own amusement apparent. “How will you have the energy to play tomorrow if you don’t sleep now?” 

Iris manages a slight peek into the room to see that this question clearly had her daughter stumped. She stifles her laughter at the confused expression her tiny face scrunches into as she ponders the validity of her father’s words. 

“Can we have five more minutes?” 

Now Don chimes in, bouncing on Dawn’s bed, always the appeaser with half the cheek of his sister. 

From her vantage point, Iris notes Barry breathing inward, ready to issue a veto until-

“You can read us a bedtime story.” 

Barry’s shoulders relax, and Iris can tell he’s considering this request. 

Not without grasping what exactly his mischievous twosome had in mind though. 

“You’re hoping to stay up for just a bit longer, aren’t you?” he quips. Iris doesn’t need to see his face to know he’s grinning. 

“No,” the twins shake their heads simultaneously, trying to suppress their giggles. As much as she missed them and their smiles today, Iris fights the urge to burst into the room and shower them with kisses, knowing they needed to wind down at this hour and that they would resist bedtime even further if they saw her. Besides, she’ll shamelessly admit she loves watching Barry father them and confirming what she always knew: whenever she was gone, her babies were in the best hands. 

“You think you can trick your old man,” Barry jests. “But I used to do the same thing when I was your age and wasn’t ready to go to bed yet.” 

“Did it work?” Dawn asks innocently, the twinkle in her eye and the swing of her short legs off the side of the bed betraying her.

“Sometimes,” Barry allows. 

“I think it’s working now,” Don whispers loudly to his twin, who whispers back with the same lack of subtlety. 

“Fine,” Barry concedes with a chuckle. “Let’s read a story.” 

“Yay!” the twins cheer. 

“We should read one of the books we got from the library with Mommy!” Dawn chirps. 

“I wanna pick!” Don pouts. 

“You always pick!” 

Instantly, they transition from allies to enemies, this abrupt shuffling between the two dynamics characteristic of their relationship from their breastfeeding days, such that Iris and Barry had to learn to mediate early on. 

Sure enough, Barry steps in: “I’m choosing. It’s only fair since you two should be asleep now anyways.”  

It only takes a few slight groans, and suddenly, once their dad retrieves a book from the shelf, it’s as if they had never clashed at all, each of them cuddling on either side of Barry, squeezing onto the same bed, clutching the same oversized pillow, sharing the same blanket, eager to hear the same story. Iris marvels, as always, at the wonder of children.

“What A Treasure, by Jane Hillenbrand,” Barry recites. 

“I picked this one at the library,” Dawn boasts, and Iris muses that maybe kids are just as petty as adults after all.

“Dawny,” Barry warns, one corner of his lips quirking upward even in his attempt to reproach her. The sight warms Iris: Barry was too gentle to ever scold them harshly for anything. In fact, his kinder demeanor seemed more effective, because most of the time, the twins themselves could discern that they had made a mistake and would feel remorseful. 

Just as Iris expects, Dawn buries a cheek into Barry’s shoulder bashfully and mutters an apology. He tousles her hair affectionately before commencing once more:

The day Mole got his new shovel, he started to dig for treasure. 

“Good luck,” said his father. “Have fun,” said his mother. “I bet you won't find any treasure worth keeping,” said his brother.

“That’s not nice,” Don remarks. 

“It’s not,” Barry pauses his reading to agree.

Mole dug. He dug until he found a twig. Bird flew down.“Oh, what a treasure!” he chirped.

“A treasure?!” Dawn perplexes. “It’s a stick. Sticks are everywhere.”

“But look,” Barry points to what Iris presumes is an illustration in the book before continuing: "It's just what I need for a sturdy nest.”

The twins look thoughtful at that, and Iris beams at their matching expressions. Their resemblance as twins was so conspicuous in this moment, as was especially their similarity to Barry as they sandwiched him, the attention of all three of them fully focused on the same thing.

"Why don't you keep it?" said Mole. And he began to dig some more.

Mole dug and dug. He dug until he found a shell. Snail crept over. "Oh, what a treasure!" she exclaimed. "It's just what I need for a cozy house.”

"Why don't you keep it?" said Mole. And he began to dig some more.

Mole dug and dug and dug. He dug until he found an acorn. Squirrel scampered near her.

"Oh, what a treasure!" he chattered. "It's just what I need for a delicious dinner.”

"Why don't you keep it?" said Mole and he began to dig some more.

Mole dug and dug and dug and dug. He dug until he found another hole."Oh, what a treasure!" he shouted as up popped a little mole. "You're just what I need and want: a friend."

"What luck!" said his father. "How fun," said his mother. "I'll bet you're wanting to keep this treasure," said his brother.

"Of course. Why not?" asked Mole.

"Of course," answered Mole's new friend.

And Mole and his friend began to dig some more. 

“The End,” Barry declares, closing the book, glancing over at each twin to gauge their reactions.

“I like the pictures,” Dawn proclaims, climbing over Barry to better reach the book to flip through its pages again.

“He didn’t find any treasure,” Don blinks.

“But he did,” Barry insists, grinning widely, and Iris rolls her eyes fondly, knowing that Barry of all fathers was ecstatic for the opportunity to present a life lesson. 

“There’s a famous saying, ‘One man’s trash is another man’s treasure’,” he starts. 

“Huh?” the twins puzzle. Iris hangs her head at her husband’s tendency to forget he was addressing children under five.  

“A twig, shell, or acorn might not seem like a treasure to you, but they are to a bird, snail and squirrel,” Barry clarifies, and Iris nods to herself, proud of him for this simplification. “Mole went digging for treasure and all he seemed to find were gifts that all the other animals around him would like, until he finds the best treasure of all: another mole friend to share the fun of digging.”

“That’s his treasure?” Dawn questions, intrigued.

“A treasure means something different to everyone,” Barry explains patiently. “It just has to be special to you.” Barry taps Dawn on the nose teasingly.  

“Like my toys!” Don shouts, evidently excited at finally having grasped the story’s message. 

“And my bike,” Dawn adds. 

“And the cookie jar!” 

“And Mommy’s iPad!” 

Iris sighs with exasperated endearment at that, but with endearment nonetheless. 

“What’s your treasure, Daddy?” Don poses. 

“You guys are my treasure,” Barry answers with soft reverence, the glimmer in his eyes as he looks upon his children visible even from where Iris stands, and her heart swells so tremendously that she feels it might burst. 

“What?!” the twins exclaim, positively shrieking with laughter at this prospect.

“Daddy, that’s weird,” Dawn states flatly once she’s calmed down, Don nodding along.

Barry only brings his arms around the both of them to hold them closer to him. 

“It’s true,” he affirms simply with a shrug, seemingly accepting that they still have a ways to go before understanding what he means, but stroking each of their cheeks anyway, the tenderness still plain in his gaze as he looks at them. 

It only lessens slightly as he straightens up again: “Alright, you two, we read a story. Now it’s really time for bed.”

“Awww,” Dawn grumbles.

“Ok-ay,” Don gives in. 

He slides off his sister’s mattress and hops to the opposite end of the room where his bed is situated against the wall. Barry tucks Dawn in first and plants a kiss on her forehead before moving to do the same with Don. 

“Goodnight, Kiddos,” Barry announces, making his way to switch off the overhead lamp and turn on their nightlight. “I love you.” 

“Goodnight, Daddy,” Dawn replies the same time Don responds, “Love you, too.” 

Iris waits in the hallway quietly while Barry shuts the twins’ door so that it remains only slightly open. Once he’s safely out of earshot of their room she emerges to wrap her arms around him from behind. 

“Hey,” Barry marvels, his voice slightly hushed, taken aback by her sudden appearance, twisting in her grip so that he faces her and squeezes her back. “I didn’t think you were home yet.” 

Iris glances up at him, resting her chin atop his heartbeat.

“You’re my treasure, you know that?” she murmurs, clutching him more tightly. 

His beaming in response is instant as he recognizes that she's been home all along, and he slides an arm down her back to tug her close to him while they head to their bedroom together. Yup, Iris thinks to herself as she leans her head against her husband's shoulder, upholding what she always believed. I wouldn't change a thing.

Author’s notes: For now, I'm still going to refer to the twins as Dawn and Don because it grew on me and besides, I headcanoned that their full names were Nora Dawn and Joseph Donavon, with Dawn and Don being their respective nicknames, so I'm just going to stick with that currently until we get their sons' name (if there even is a son) because it's kind of canon compliant. Also as a disclaimer, this story contains text from the children's book "What A Treasure!" by Jane Hillenbrand. The part in italics is NOT my original work. Enjoy! Would love to hear what you think. I know it’s corny!

#westallen #westallen fic #my writing #treasure chest