#As if I don’t already hate myself enough

[jhnnyjstr]

i am winning the idgaf wars when it comes to the magnus protocol bruh.

i cannot get myself to be even remotely interested in this series. im listening out of obligation (number 1 tma fan), but i end up just waiting around for those 20 minutes to end with zero interest. for there to be a sequel to the magnus archives, a podcast with a fully rounded and complete elaborate storyline, it has to justify itself. to me, tmp doesn’t justify itself.

right now, tmp feels like someone going “oh! oh you liked THIS?? you liked THIS PART of tma??? well look at THIS!!!!! this is THAT!!!!!” and it completely flops at it every time. i won’t say its shit, i’ve liked certain episodes and i enjoy some of the characters, but side by side with tma…? come on

part of the beauty of tma is that every episode felt like you were slowly uncovering a plot with the mc. not only that, but characters were gradually introduced, and supplementals didn’t even have proper full character scenes/dialogues until s3, (a little in s2). then look at tmp. the first episode is random characters ive never heard of talking all at once, and this continues for every episode until the current one. i don’t care about any of these characters, and i feel no attachment or ‘riding along with the mc’ feeling with any of them. it feels like a random group of people sprinkled in amongst a vaguely tma-ish plot.

i also hate the attempt to INSTANTLY get into the ‘ooo big background mystery’ when there absolutely hasn’t even been enough context set for that to even matter to the listener. why do i care that gwen is getting promoted? why would any of this sinister secret plot matter to me when i barely understand the way that this institution functions normally? (which i don’t even know the name of, mind you).

you could easily say “but dan!! this will be SHORTER than tma!! its 3 seasons, not 5!!!” think about what was achieved in 3 seasons of tma. by season 3, jon was in his exploration era. he was meeting mike, jude, the monster hunters, gerry, nikola, sarah, he learned about the nature of the entities, we learnt about rituals, learnt that jon wasn’t fully human anymore, hell we even met peter, and we saw elias’ ass being sent to jail!

the pace of tmp is so fast when its plot already bears so little relevance to the listener, and it doesnt help that some of these episodes are, in complete honesty, poor. i find the writing of characters and the interactions between characters rather poor already as well.

im not trying to be harsh, but this is definitely nagging at me. ive been growing fairly irritated with tmp. feel free to disagree obviously, i can see why people would be fans. but it doesn’t hold a candle to tma. im trying reaaaally hard to give it a chance, but im growing more and more disappointed/underwhelmed by the day . pllbbttfhhh . 👎

#sorry guys #im just super underwhelmed #tma #tmp #tmagp #the magnus protocol #the magnus archives #the magnus pod #tma spoilers #the magnus archives spoilers

[bo0zey]

when gerard way said “when i grow up i want to be nothing at all” i felt those words in my gdamn soul bro

#cried alone in my car parked in my driveway for like 17 minutes #i feel so hopeless and useless and stupid so so so stupid i’ll never be smart enough like the other nurses #i can’t fucking think im too slow i don’t know anything #it’s the emergency room and god for fucking bid i have an emergent patient i don’t know wtf to do ever #i don’t know how to initiate protocols or contact interdisciplinary or put in complex orders i don’t know anything i’m so useless #everyone thinks i’m stupid i’ve been on orientation for like 2 months know and i’m still the same useless stupid novice airhead new grad #i just get so frazzled i feel like everyone expects so much out of me and i have to be perfect to meet their standards #but im stupid im subpar im not good enough like them like #ever if they’ve been nurses for years and i’ve only been working as one for legit 2 months it’s just i still don’t know how to do anything #it’s like i can’t think i don’t do things how they want me to do them and then i look stupid im the attending doctor thinks i’m so dumb but #she wouldn’t even hear me out like i know you want both fluids running i know it’s important but he only has.1 IV and they aren’t compatible #we’re trying to start a second IV and he had difficult veins like why are you trying to tell me i’m stupid i know why you ordered it thatway #it’s like nobody gets my dumbass brain but that’s not their fault bc they can think clearly and convey their thoughts to people without #sounding like a fucking dumbass i have no critical thinking skills im just useless i hate this so much i don’t want to be here it sucks #i never wanted to be a nurse i never wanted to be anything i was 12 years old hoping i’d be dead by 18 #and now i’m 23 and i’m still fucking here but it’s clear i shouldn’t be i don’t fit in im not fit for society #i should be euthanized like an unwanted dog that’s been at the shelter for too long that’s exactly what i am #20min later still crying can’t stop being a fucking crybaby pitypartying myself i’m the worst oh my god grow the fuck up already #why is everything so difficult for me why can’t i just fit in literally everyone knows i don’t belong #i’m the dumbest most useless new grad orientee and EVERYONE knows it even management it’s so embarrassing #i’m so embarrassed to be alive and take up space that could be filled by someone so much better smarter prepared someone meant to be there #i don’t want this i don’t want any of this i never wanted to grow up im just a kid in my head i’m so pathetic #i wish i was smart and good at something i wish people looked at me and thought o wow i respect her bc she’s also a good nurse #nobody likes me i’m such a burden to everyone the doctors my preceptors other nurses who deserve to be there #i’m leaking snot everywhere today wasn’t even that bad but i think it’s all just hitting me now how helpless i am #i’m so tired of myself and waking up and making a fool of myself every shift fucking stupid loser i hate myself i try so hard and it’s not #it’s not enough it’s never enough im not enough im an imposter i’ll never be as good as the other nurses even tho i’m really really trying #i seriously don’t want to do this anymore i don’t want to be here i can’t do it everyone knows i’m not cut out for this they all talk shit #ramblings

[pissfizz]

I’m going to lose my mind oh my god I am so scared for this quincenera wtf

#NOT MINE BTW I MISSED MY CHANCE LMAO #but Jesus Christ family I’ve never met before flying in from Panama…. god I’m so scared #I’ve already been dealing with some wack ass imposter syndrome ass shit cuz of how I was raised this is gonna make it SO MUCH worse #I DIDNT EVEN KNOW PANAMANIANS GOT QUINCES #i was raised with almost zero influence from any culture whatsoever I wasn’t even raised close to that side of the family #and like I’m mixed with white but I can’t even use that as an excuse cuz the cousin who’s quince it is is also mixed #and that side of the family is super tied to the culture and they speak Spanish and shit #i don’t even speak Spanish even if the family from Panama doesn’t think ima. total embarrassment what if most of them don’t speak english #when I’m surrounded by white people 24/7 I feel like a total outlier but the second I’m around anyone else latine I feel like that but WORSE #i don’t speak Spanish I don’t know anything about the culture I’m from the fucking pacific northwest and do digital art and watch anime #i am so far completely removed from everything I’m gonna be sick #my grandma is already so judgy about stuff my uncle was even WORSE and made fun of the stuff that was too white or too American about me #my cousins throwing the party are the least of my worries cuz at least their mixed and second/third Gen too #but oh my god the family I’ve never met before I’m so scared I’m so scared #i was already thinking like. can I even call myself latine bc of how I was raised and how far removed I am from everything. I’m mixed so - #-should I just associate myself more with the white side of my family. am I being fraudulent by identifying with that term just bc I have - #-the blood is that even enough maybe that kid had a point when he said I shouldn’t count as hispanic if I don’t know spanish #and thinking about showing up to my cousins quince as. me. it’s terrifying it’s awful I want to go I want to meet these people I want to - #-celebrate my cousin and be happy for her but GOD what if everyone hates us and just tolerates us cuz we’re related to them #i would say we’re the black sheep of the family but I feel like white is more fitting cuz I feel like we’re just slightly brown white people #god god god I’m so stresssd out by this #is this a weird thing to be worried about is this stupid is this selfish #and to make matters worse I DONT KNOW WHAT TO GET HER FOR A GIRT #vent

[apotelesmaa]

cyber sniper rerun is right before the never ending showtime gacha…. Fuck this game like actually

#‘i want the cyber sniper cards wonder if they’re rerunning it ever’ -> ‘I’m killing myself’ #i already know I’ll have enough to spark by the time NES rolls around but I was planning on using the excess 4 pandemonium/save for wxs WL #mine #unless they don’t do what they did in the jpn server which idk why they wouldn’t #whatever I don’t care. (cares a lot) #i joined the game literally right after that event on en. they hate me and want me to die bc of it.

[skhardwarevers1]

that feeling when you want to post a rant/vent but it just feels like another attempt to get attention <<<<<<<<<(x one million)

#Oh wow and would you look at that this in itself is just another way for me to get fucking attention #For being a sensitive little whiny bitch who can’t take a fucking joke #I’m just so fucking tired of this shit #I wannna say I don’t give a fuck what my dad has to say abt my life kr jokes he makes #But obviously that’s a fucking lie since I just spent half an hour violently sobbing in the shower #Todays not my day guys #I need to sleep for seventeen fucking years straight #Better than that just forever atp I’m so done with this shit #I just feel like everyone I know fucking hates me including myself #Like I fuck up one time and suddenly I’m not even trustworthy enough for you to trust that I fucking went to xtra help for a half hour #Like omfg just kill me already. I hate this shit. #And I know he was probably joking but like it still fucking hurts yknow? #And now I can’t leave my room cuz I look like a fucking mess and you can tell I’ve been crying #I’m actually ready to fucking just give up on all this shit #I’ve been trying so fucking hard to try to improve. I’m doing what you fucking asked me to like omfggggg #I dunno I just feel like shit I’ll be fine #Just me being a sensitive bitch again. Literally that’s all it ever is #Tbh if I never fucking dated my first partnrr I wouldn’t fucking be like thid #I fucking hate everything #Kill me #Whatever. This shit fucking sucks #Vent

[linguenuvolose]

One of those days when you have to let yourself do whatever

#there’s no inherent value in cooking food I have plenty of restaurants around me I can buy food #I know I’m hungry and haven’t eaten enough already but fuck all my pms recently have been so intense #I hate feeling like I have to distract myself to not cry like it fucking sucks #idk if there’s something going on #but like the problem is I might just need some alone time but that’s also when I feel like shit so I don’t fucking know #snicksnack

[peapod20001]

Bro I’m </3 thinking too hard </3

#vent #ugh. artfight. bullshit. fucking shit #I would rather have banter with my friends than draw for people that don’t care #but alas. the all consuming art game #I love drawing for people in theory but I hate how it makes me feel. do you understand what I mean by this #idk what it is but the fact art fight starts TOMORROW has me feeling like a worthless sack of shit #and that feeling is only heightened by the fact that everyone is going to be invested in it while I fucking crumble for what? the 3rd? #4th year in a row?? god. fucking sucks. I get so in my head with this bullshit every year. but I want to do it #ugh. awful. and I feel worse when people make me things and then I don’t get to send something back #awful gross beast. and now I’m just feeling worse thinking about other things. I’m so overwhelmed #and not a damn person to talk to cus 1. there’s no one to listen and 2. I can’t articulate my feelings! I don’t understand myself! #the only reason I know how to act is because I do research for my fucking characters! I’m my own fucking character! #and I wish someone was there to make me feel special like how I (hypothetically) make my ocs feel!! #ugh. whatever I’m cool and fine and dandy and NOT on the verge of tears and I’m going to eat fucking jellybeans #am I going to have a breakdown every time there’s a Holliday or event? I canNOT be caught feeling like a fucking ball of lint every #valentines day dawg. I can’t be that person. I already did that one time too many ok #how’s it feel to have people enjoy talking to you? cus I’m either too much or not enough for people

[milo-is-rambling]

Me when I want to be wanted more than anything else

#I think I’d be more normal if I had more friends but every friend I lose makes me isolate more and more and now it’s like I can only trust #people I’ve interacted with for years already #and then every time I try to make friends I either don’t respond (anxiety. not feeling a vibe. whatever) or they stop responding when I #actually like them (someone who talked to me for like four days in an row and then randomly blocked me no explanation) #I think if I made more friends or even talked to more people I’d understand how to do it successfully but I don’t have enough experience and #no one wants to be friends with me (and it’s scary when they do!!!) wahhhhhhhhhh #I need to move somewhere new and talk to strangers I’m good at that #I made more friends a a concert age 14 than I have from me the ages of 16-19 and i think that’s ridiculous #how do I explain to everyone ever that nothing bad happened to me I’m just mentally ill bc my hormones are fucked and it’s let me to spiral #and ruin my own life and then slowly painfully build my life back up and then crush it all again over and over again for years and years #to the point where I’m afraid I’ll never amount to anything so the idea of ever truly having people who find any value for me in their lives #feels like it’s fake and then when I do finally trust people I end up loving too hard and fucking it up and then I isolate for even longer #it’s takes me twice as long to find a new friend and trust them again and then it happens all over again #it feels like I’m destined to be alone bc I can’t tell the difference between platonic shit and flirting so I have a wall between me and #everyone else bc I’m afraid to like someone too much and confuse my brain bc I don’t ever want to like someone who doesn’t like me even if #it’s as friends bc I’ve put more effort in than other ppl always but it’s bc I put too much effort in and expect too much and no one else #is as weirdly obsessive and clingy and dedicated as I am bc I’m not normal and that’s why no one likes me bc I try too hard or not at all #and it makes everyone in my life family friends crushes whatever hate me bc I’m all or nothing forever I can’t just be normal #I think a lifetime of living with my mother has permanently damaged the way I see myself #who are all these normal ideal people in my brain why did my mother put them there and why will I always be worse than a hypothetical person #designed to shame me for struggling which gets louder the more I struggle #spirals cycles etc etc etc #ugh. I want my brain to turn off I’m gonna go take a dab and maybe delete this later

[fleshdyke]

shsjeiegjshebr

#man. getting upset about stupid shit. again #yesterday we had an assembly at school for the end of the year awards and whatever #and the only friend i had in the class i was in when we went down left early to go find the rest of our friends #so i went down and found a spot and i already sort of knew this would happen #but i got there pretty early and i watched my whole friend group come in. and they didn’t even look for me #it’s like they didn’t even notice i wasn’t there. and they just walked over and sat down on the other side of the room #and i guess they were all having fun sitting next to each other. i was sitting alone having to listen to some seniors saying really awful #things behind me. idk #they didn’t text me and ask where i was or say anything about it afterwards #like they just completely didn’t notice i wasn’t there #and if they did they don’t care enough to ask where i was #and i’m making them seem a lot worse than they are but like. MAN that hurt #like all i want is a friend. that’s it man. that’s all i’ve ever wanted. i just want someone i can rely on to sit with me at an assembly #i’m not suicidal i really do want to live but. god i just want to know what would happen #i don’t want to kill myself bc i think they’d be better off without me i want to kill myself because i want to know how they would react #i want them to know how much stupid shit like that affects me man. yk. and i know how callous that is and i hate it but god i think about it #so so so much. like #they’ve gotten a whole new friend group and tell me that we’re still really good friends but man you can’t fucking lie to me like that #like you can’t tell me that we’re as close as we used to be because we’re not. i know they don’t like me anymore and it’s fine becuase i get #it i wouldn’t like me either i have to spend all day every day with myself #but like. all i’ve ever wanted is a friend #and i want to just break and start yelling at them for this because i feel so fucking alone but it’s not their fault and that would only #drive them away more #like i feel like the only thing that would bring them closer to me would be to try and kill myself but i don’t want to do that yk #not actually at least. i’ll daydream about it 24/7 though. i’ll think of that as the better timeline #and i don’t want to bring this up to them bc i already have once before and they pretty much told me its not their problem #and again i’m making them seem so much worse than they actually are but this is just how my brain interprets this #and i kind of want to attempt but not die but like my mom’s best friend died this morning and i can’t fucking do that to her #like more than anytjing else i just want a friend. i don’t blame them but like. is that so much to ask #vent

[fern-core]

so anyway i feel stupid for not noticing how much weight i’ve gained and how ugly my face looks lmao

#.negative #.vent #tw body image #like. that could not have looked any worse #my face looks so terrible #some people look good with chubby faces #i am not one of them #i look like a half finished kindergarten pottery project #and my body is just. bad #how am i supposed to sing in front of people? present myself on a stage? #how am i supposed to find someone charitable enough to love me? #the depression has been creeping and i feel like this was fhe last straw #and there’s just nothing i can do about it #like damn #i guess i’m just a fat and ugly piece of shit #i don’t like my job and i’m performing poorly anyway #i have nothing going for me #i’ve already peaked with singing after only two months so fuck me #like #part of me feels dramatic but the part of me that hates myself is louder so #here we are

[tarantula-hawk-wasp]

Finally found myself in a hole that I’m not sure how I’m going to dig myself out of

#there physically isn’t enough time #I’m tired of constantly feeling like a failure bc I do keep sort of fucking up #I’m in a bad mood bc I had to wake up at 6 am for a final exam that I don’t feel great about #and somehow I need to write my MA Paper but I need to return most of the books this weekend #and my advisor for that and I are at a stalemate of I haven’t emailed her in three weeks and she hasn’t emailed me in three weeks #she’s probably frustrated with me #but I had to do all of my other assignments first #anyways I picked a bad topic for my paper and research is going terribly #and I already hate research papers so this going badly is the worst possible outcome #I keep telling myself that I’m not going to drop out ot kms over a paper but the thought is there every day #if you know me irl I’m fine I’m just cranky bc I spent an hour translating parts of a German book that ended up being useless

[groupwest]

Man this sucks. I am disappearing

#so my poppy had a heart attack he is in hospital and will either have to have a triple bypass surgery or more stints put in #I don’t know what to do :~( #I haven’t even seen him yet. everyone else has but I have to stay home and mind the dogs #I’m so worried so scared #and just #I can’t get anything for myself done. ever #everyday things get worse for everyone else and I feel like I’m disappearing. dissipating #like I’m invisible like I’m a ghost like my life is absolutely nothing #I can’t get diagnosed I can’t even go to the drs to get this implant taken out. my entire life means nothing and revolves around everyone’s #schedule but my own. I’m nothing #amd I know people care but not enough to offer help. even though all I do is help them. do I just exist to be used lol #like it feels like I have nothing inside of me no personality no will no autonomy. hardly even discernible feelings. #i don’t know what I want all I know is that I can give others what they want. I don’t know how to explain it it just feels so fucked up #anything I do want is impossible. I’ve given up on everything already. I don’t think I ever had a chance cuz Ive had no hope since childhood #I just want my family to help me again :~( did I use it all up? use all their caring up when I was a teenager. even tho I have nothing to sh #show for it. god I miss my mum so much #I miss my life so much #I miss every friendship I’ve wrecked and every person that’s left me behind. I rly hate myself and I rly want to change. #I just feel like such a ghost and I don’t know what to do #ok sorry lol. it’s fine #I just wish life would be kinder to us all