#AND WHERE WAS THE FUCKING ALLIGATOR EH?????

[nostalgia-tblr]

i had a thought (oh no). i've seen people say S2 Sylvie is cranky and confrontational because she's only starting the arc Loki is at the end of, but I feel like S2 Sylvie is written as though she has finished her arc, and that now she's freed the multiverse nothing remains to stop her fulfilling all her dreams by retiring to work in a McDonalds.

She will only return to the action to fulfill contractual obligations help out intermittently and unreliably with this new plot that has nothing to do with her other than being a direct consequence that neither she nor anyone else could have predicted because this plot does not actually follow on from the one she was part of before she didn't have all the necessary information about how this story would be dragged out while also not actually dealing with the situation(s) the end of S1. So she's annoyed to discover that things are still broken, but she's retired now and would prefer to be left alone.

Meanwhile Loki's arc is ongoing in S2 as he has yet to realise and accept that all this stuff about Free Will was bullshit and he is literally doomed by the narrative and can best serve those he cares about by becoming a cable tidy.

#loki series #loki s2 negativity #AND WHERE WAS THE FUCKING ALLIGATOR EH????? #why would an alien want to work in a mcdonalds when she could do literally anything else anywhere at any time? idk just buy the tie-in meal #not saying i couldn't be convinced but there was apparently no need to even try. S2 Sylvie's just an unusually long cameo isn't she? :( #“hey you remember HER? she'll be back for another scene or two in the next episode as well! she's on the merch by the way!" #complaints department

[beevean]

Oh god, Casino park's pinball is horrid

actually i hate a lot of heroes's lvels lol. Looing at you rail levels and the vine swinging. (skill isuse? Maybe. but still)

Casino Park and Bingo Highway are the bane of my existence 😭 horrible horrible physics, it's as if they deliberately pull you away from where you need to go. And I'm supposed to get an A-rank in Team Sonic's extra missions? Where I have a time limit????

Ask me how many lives I flushed down the drain in the last Bingo Highway pinball table with all those bottomless pits 😭

Oh, right, also I will never even attempt the Team Chaotix extra mission of that stage, let alone A-rank. you go and collect 20 chips, Eggman, fuck you.

(I don't know if they're any better in the Gamecube version, I only played Heroes on PC and PS2. rip me)

No joke, Mystic Mansion with Team Chaotix is much more bearable - yes both missions last around 10 minutes, but I don't have to struggle with the ground itself! (the spider web is a bit of a bitch, but eh, just use Charmy and get good reflexes. unless you're doing the extra mission, in which case, good luck)

The rails... when I was little I was so terrified that I got the habit of switching to the flying character just in case, but nowadays I got a better feel of how to switch without flinging myself into the abyss, I can finally feel the intended adrenaline during Final Fortress and its "BLUE/YELLOW/RED LASER FIRE!" sections (shout out to ShTH which perfected rail switching lol). The vines are not too bad though, I died enough times in the alligation section in Lost Jungle to get the... eh, hang of the rhythm :P

#sonic the hedgehog #sonic heroes #good game but man it has its moments

[safyresky]

SO LIKE. I'M OUT HERE PLUGGING CRYSTAL SPRINGS, PLUGGING FROSTMAS, YELLING ABOUT BLINTER, TALKING ABOUT TWIN FIERY GREMLINS, JACQUELINE POSTING ON MAIN OR WHATEVER

But not ONCE have I OFFICIALLY been like "hey guys come Meet the Frosts"!

WHERE are my MANNERS?!?! 😵💀😵💀😵💀

SO, ON BEHALF OF SAFYRESKY INDUSTRIES, I WOULD LIKE TO FORMALLY INVITE YOU TO MEET THE FROSTS!

Okay, you're saying. Based on the OTHER two plugs for Crystal Springs and Frostmas, I am assuming that this is another plug for yet ANOTHER The Santa Clause related fic. Right?

You are SO right. This was ACTUALLY the very FIRST ONE! SO, what's going on in Meet the Frosts?

Well, Jack fucked up a LOT of shit in the third movie: Sending geese north, snow in the amazon, freezing a volcano, and ALSO, 270 cardboard cutouts of him promoting Frostmas. Mother Nature has a LOT on her plate, so she decides to seek some help fixing these natural wrongs.

And who else would be able to help fix Frost's shenanigans than the Frosts themselves?

And so Mother Nature takes us along (after a bit of healthy procrastinating and lore dumping) to officially Meet the Frosts! The Blorbos themselves! Jacqueline, Winter, Blaise, and the Twins: Fino and Fiera!

And when she gets there she finds that these sprites are horribly, horribly, unbalanced amongst themselves.

SO. She brings them out to figure out what's up, urges them to fix the shit, they talk to one another, and YOU get to OFFICIALLY Meet the Frosts! How cool is that, eh?

Reasons YOU should read MEET THE FROSTS:

Mother Nature is in it and she is being a BAMF

Frost Family PRE Jack's return in Crystal Springs! What does this mean for you, the reader? It means ANGST. It means HEARTBREAK. It means I MADE JACQUELINE CRY. AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN. It means ANGRY TWINS. It means FROSTY SECRETS AMONGST THEMSELVES.

AND YOU GET TO DISCOVER IT ALL!

It is also only 7 chapters! 5 plus a prologue and epilogue. It is SHORT and sweet!

Originally published in 2012, it got a GLOW UP in 2017.

I haven't read it since and at this point in my fanfiction writing life, I am afraid if I re read it I will want to rewrite it, because, as we all know, the CEO of SafyreSky Industries, safyresky herself, IS COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL WITH THE REWRITING 😤

[Once again, we here at SafyreSky Industries would like to make it abundantly clear that A) Meet the Frosts is filled to the brim with OCs. If OCs are not your thing, please, scroll on and continue with your hopefully lovely day. B) If you choose to read Meet the Frosts, we here at SafyreSky Industries are not responsible for any emotional duress this short fic will cause you. This is inclusive of but not limited to: anger, sadness, oh noes! due to whump, any and all forms of crying, rage, despair, and creepiness caused by one personification of Fate. Please note that when reading Meet the Frosts, you may encounter any and all of these feelings, and more, so please prepare yourself for what you may experience during use. We here at SafyreSky industries waive any and all responsibility to your emotional wellbeing after you embark on your reading journey. thank you for your time, be safe, and enjoy Meeting the titular Frosts.

And thank you for choosing SafyreSky Industries, where tscs lore can kiss our asses and does not even MAKE IT across the drawbridge into the outer wall of the HQ. It will be eaten by the alligators we have in the moat around the premises.]

#dani speaks #dani writes #fanfic #meet the frosts #the santa clause #the santa clause 3 #csverse promos #frostverse promos #anyway. plugging my work! plugging my work! plugging my work or i'll dIE! #can you guys believe i completely forgot about meet the frosts???? #the OG FIC?? #THE ONE THAT STARTED THE ENTIRE FROSTVERSE?? THE FIRST APPEARANCE OF THE FROSTS?? #THE FIC THAT LAUNCHED ANA AND I INTO BECOMING FRIENDS?? #actually that was reflections. BUT STILL. #I CANNOT BELIEVE I FORGOT THE PROLOGUE TO THE ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE. AH!

[realhankmccoy]

no gender insight in this either. this is just typical america.

I mean i guess if you're a professor -- like if i were taking people through this album i'd say this song is Hobbesian --

but i mean come on, this is the sort of shit some piece of shit comes up with. you're gonna call that art?

i mean come on, this is just The Hunger Games / America is the hunger games. She can call it truth or art but i don't. besides i'm sure she got bored with the album two days after she listened to it so so much for lasting art.

this is survival of the fittest This is do or die This is the winner takes it all So take it all, all, all-all

Wasn't ready to be no millionaire, I was ill-prepared I was prepared to be ill though, the skill was there From the beginning, it wasn't 'bout the ends It was 'bout busting raps and standing for something, fuck an acronym Cut the fucking act like you're happy, I'm fucking back again With another anthem, why stop when it doesn't have to end? It ain't over 'til I say it's over, enough when I say enough Throw me to them wolves and close the gate up I'm afraid of what'll happen to them wolves When the thought of being thrown into an alligator pit, I salivate at it Wait is up, hands up like it's twelve noon, nah, homie Hold them bitches straighter up, wave 'em 'til you dislocate a rotator cuff Came up rough, came to ruffle feathers, nah, egos I ain't deflate enough, last chance to make this whole stadium erupt

This is survival of the fittest This is do or die This is the winner takes it all So take it all, all, all-all

I can see the finish line with each line that I finish I'm so close to my goals, I can almost pole vault over the goal post And if I don't got enough in the tank, maybe I can just siphon enough To fill up this last can, man will I survive in this climate or what? They said I was washed up, and got a blood bath I'm not a rapper, I'm an adapter, I can adjust Plus I can just walk up to a mic and just bust So floor's open if you'd like to discuss Top five in this mothafucka and if I don't make the cut What, like I give a fuck? I'ma light this bitch up like I'm driving a truck To the side of a pump, zero to sixty hop in and gun it Like G-Unit without the hyphen, I'm hyping 'em up And if there should ever come a time where my life's in a rut And I look like I might just give up, eh, might've mistook Me for bowing out I ain't taking a bow, I'm stabbing myself With a fucking knife in the gut, while I'm wiping my butt 'Cause I just shitted on the mic, and I like getting cut I get excited at the sight of my blood, you're in a fight with a nut 'Cause I'ma fight 'til I die or win Bitin' the dust it'll just make me angrier, wait Let me remind you of what got me this far, picture me quittin' Now draw a circle around it and put a line through it, slut It's survival of what

This is survival of the fittest This is do or die This is the winner takes it all So take it all, all, all-all So take it all, all, all-all

So get your ideas, stack your ammo But don't come unless you come to battle, now mount up, jump in the saddle This is it, it's what you eat, sleep, piss and shit Live, breathe, your whole existence just consists of this Refuse to quit, fuse is lit, can't defuse the wick I don't do this music shit, I lose my shit Ain't got shit to lose, it's the moment of truth It's all I know how to do, as soon as I get thrown in the booth, I spit But my respect is overdue, I'm showing you the flow no one do 'Cause I don't own no diploma for school, I quit So there's nothing for me to fall back on, I know no other trades So you'd better trade your fucking mics in for some tool boxes 'Cause you'll never take my pride from me It'll have to be pried from me, so pull out your pliers and your screwdrivers But I want you to doubt me, I don't want you to believe 'Cause this is something that I must use to succeed And if you don't like me then fuck you Self esteem must be fucking shooting through the roof 'cause trust me My skin is too thick and bullet proof to touch me I can see why the fuck I disgust you I must be allergic to failure 'cause every time I come close to it I just sneeze, but I just go achoo then achieve

This (this) is (is) survival of the fittest This (this) is (is) do or die This (this) is (is) the winner takes it all So take it all, all, all-all So take it all, all, all-all

#eminem #camille paglia

[mylittlesecrethaven]

Wings Of Fire And Me: Also Species Review

So... I've never read a Wings Of Fire book.

And I don't really plan to. (Not after Warrior Cats (that's a topic for later))

But!

I ran across that WoF guide book that's out in a library and I picked it up and skimmed through it. (Key word, skimmed.)

I got the basis off the maps and the species, and I like the world building.

So.... Ima state my opinion on it, as a person never having read the series.

So.... let's go?

I'm gonna rate these creatures on a scale of 1-10, as well as their biomes and locations on a scale of 1-10. Cause why the fuck not? (Their rating is their placement on a placement board, btw, so no dragon or biome will have the same rating) (I'm also kinda just rating purely off of which dragons are my favorite and look the best, so this is purely opinionated!)

Mudwings:

These things look like puppies! Also, they're basically mud alligators. 7/10

Sandwings:

Scorpion dragons. They're kinda cute, but they also look sneaky. 5/10

Nightwings:

Night demons basically. I like dark colors though, so I like these guys. 8/10

Skywings:

I like these guys a lot cause their wings look awesome and cause they have big horns. 9/10

Seawings:

I'm gonna be brutally honest, I don't really like the design, nor the idea of dragons in water. (PURELY OPINIONATED) 4/10

Rainwings:

Another brutally honest, it just looks like a colorful Skywing with a long tail. 2/10

Icewings:

If looks could kill. These guys look so cool! 6/10

Silkwings:

Eh? It looks.... cool? Idk. 3/10

Hivewings:

Deadly little boi. I might not like insects, but this guy looks fucking awesome. 10/10

Leafwings:

Idk. Kinda bland to me. 1/10

Now for the biomes! In a different order this time!

Ice Kingdom: The names for the places around it are cool, but it also feels like one of those places that's like "No! It's too dangerous to go there!" So.... 3/10

Mud Kingdom: Kinda simple and plain. A little boring. 2/10

Night Kingdom: You get your own island to yourself? Awesome! (I know they were banished from the old place. I read part of the wiki.) 9/10

Rainforest Kingdom: So, you got portals huh? And I'm gonna read up on that Nightwing village, too. 7/10

Kingdom of Sand: Ooo. A much more proper name. Also seems very deadly. 8/10

Kingdom of the Sea: Even more proper name. Also, seems very old timey and rennaisance like just from the map. 10/10

Sky Kingdom: DANG THIS PLACE IS BIG! 6/10

Hives: I don't like bees. But still cool. (Wait, where do the Silkwings live then?) 4/10

Poison Jungle: Cool place. Like the names. 5/10

Guess there's only 9 biomes.

Oh well!

#wings of fire #wof #dragons

[magicalbuffalotransformerman]

Swamplanding

[men on man action.]

[as has been posted recently, bonecrusher's current location is unknown. most of the team is focused on the logistics about finding the hunchback, how patchwork'll patch him up if he's injured, how they hope groundrumbler didn't fuck with anything back home.]

[the ones who aren't thinking of the logistics, simply put all of their energy and mental health into finding bonecrusher, no matter the cost. those in particular being the other three corners of the love square {BB, RJ, FM} for mostly obvious reasons, and his older brother who's just trying to see to it that bonecrusher still lives; gravedigger.]

[gravedigger and terraterror have been paired together to search in southern america - somewhere around florida, i would assume - based on some hints gravedigger brutally and also metaphorically ripped out of an autobot soldier.]

[here, we join the two in a small swamplandish area, wading through water as they search for somethin'.]

TT: ...so, fill me in here. what was it that 'bot two days back told you?

GD: oh, nothing in particular. just the fact that bay-op's captured him and is trying to brainwash him.

TT: i take it that's why you haven't been talkative?

GD: tch. sure.

[movement in the area ahead. terraterror and gravedigger's combined attention are locked ahead, their primaries whipped out in a sparkbeat.]

...

[no movements. may have been an alligator.]

TT: alligator?

GD: can't be too sure.

[the two cautiously continue ahead, both decepticons on high alert for any more movement. terraterror's turned his light bars on.]

[every step brings a heightened sense of anxiety within the two. gravedigger hadn't been trained for high-stress situations such as 'stalked in the swamp by an unknown threat', so he's a little more on edge than terraterror is in this situation.]

[...hours pass. the sun passes by overhead, silent as it's always been. the skies darken with every minute. terraterror's light bars are becoming more and more effective the closer the night comes.]

...

[the only thing on gravedigger's mind at this point is just seeing bonecrusher again, preferably alive.]

[a tree creaks, as if it were being weighed down. the decepticons' attentions whip over to the tree in question.]

??: Friendly, friendly. D-don't shoot.

[A wounded Autobot soldier stumbles into view, collapsing in the dirty water of the swamp.]

TT: prove it.

??: Look, I don't mean any harm- [The soldier hacks up a bit of blood, their faceplate having been damaged by the local alligators.] -w... what brings you two here?

TT: looki- GD: none of your fucking business, boy.

??: ...I guess it's too personal for you to reveal to a dying, nameless hunk o' scrap like me, eh?

GD: [approaching the soldier and digging into its back with his claws:] how do i know you don't have a direct commline to any high-ranking autobot scum?

??: K-knowing you Decepticons? Probably won't l-let me prove it before you kill me. I g-get it, just... c'mon. Let me rest for a bit.

[...an all too brief moment of silence is cut short by an irritable growl from gravedigger, whom drops the soldier back into the swampwater as requested.]

??: I take it you're... that one Decepticon's twin brother. Bone... something.

GD: smart bot.

TT: do you know where bonecrusher is?

??: ...He's not on any mainlands.

GD: any hemispheres?

??: Uhh... northern, I think.

TT: any more specific answers for us?

??: Look for Autobot defence systems around the Yukon. Optimus probably put down some turrets.

GD: ...yukon...

[the two decepticons think for a moment.]

TT: ...aw, fuck.

??: [The near-death soldier rights himself, leaning against the tree once more.] What's the sitrep?

TT: we've only sent one guy to yukon.

??: Should probably provide some backup, then - and good luck, as well.

GD: do you want to be put out of your misery?

??: No, thank you. I'll let the native lifeforms rip me apart if I don't die beforehand.

GD: mm.

[terraterror opens up a spacebridge with assistance from nebula over the comms, wiping his feet on the wet grass and wandering through.]

GD: for what it's worth... sorry about the aggression.

??: No, I get it. You're worried for your brother. Don't waste any time on me.

GD: ...alright. rust in peace, soldier.

??: Aye.

[gravedigger turns to leave, hopping through the spacebridge moments before it closes and leaving the autobot soldier to his fate.]

...

[Such is life.]

#rotf!gravedigger #terraterror #magicalMILDnsfw #(swearin' + a wounded soldier wandering through + a bot worrying for his brother) #(+ alligator country) #(+ technically the halloween post)

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Is it weird that I see Monty as an absolutely soft gator deep down? I just- M e l t in stories with him being soft (sobbing) I wanna hug him, idc if he messes up his room and throws stuff everywhere. I'm completely sane.

Anyway, can I request some gator headcanons with a female worker reader who loves to make small gifts for him like homemade bracelets and stuff?? she knows the size of his wrist somehow lol but its for plot convenience - and would he adore it?? where would he keep them?? does he show it off??

I'm a sucker for soft monty, like there's not enough, I want to disintegrate in fluff. Bring it on.

Also I live for your writing, this is why I wanted to request cause you're such a good author and I was kinda hoping you'd heal my brainrot hwhsidhfishisf thank you btw!!!!

You're so right there's not enough soft content for our bad boy Monty, so I'll fix that :)

........

"Here's a bracelet I made for you!"

"Eh I'm not really a jewelry-guy.

"O-Oh you don't have to wear it-"

"No I'm gonna wear it forever, fuck off."

That's basically the interaction you and Monty had when you presented a homemade bracelet for him (while you monitored the STAFF bots cleaning his green room).

It looks like an alligator curled around his wrist, which he absolutely loves.

He even calls it "Lil Monty", chatting with it even though it's not sentient. It continues to put a smile on his face throughout the day.

Just when he thinks this was a one-time thing..he's proven wrong as you made another gift for him: 

A crochet Monty holding a golf club and bass guitar in both hands!

Now you’re just being an absolute doll. Giving a brute like him such nice gifts that he treats with great care, keeping them in a box in the corner of his room.

If he starts wrecking stuff, he avoids touching that box. It’s the only merchandise that matters to him.

Official Monty plushies? He couldn’t care less if he threw their stuffing everywhere. It’s all mass-produced anyways.

Homemade crochet Monty? He’ll treasure it for life (even though you reassure him you can make a new one if it gets lost/ruined by accident).

On days where his anger gets really bad, he’ll ask you to keep the box safe in your office. Just because he finds it hard to trust himself sometimes. 

But he’s trying his best, and you know that too.

Of course, he’s gonna show off the gifts to the others (esp Roxy) but he’ll never get greedy.

Oh, and you’ve become his favorite employee ever. And usually he despises human employees (and bots alike).

If it’s your day off he’ll be a bit bummed out you aren’t around, but the gifts remind him that his biggest fan is never too far away.

#clanask #anonymous #fnaf x reader #five nights at freddy's x reader #fnaf sb x reader #fnaf security breach x reader #montgomery gator #female reader #platonic #headcanons #fluff #friendship

[thatgoblin]

RE Boys as Big Brother with Neurodivergent!Reader

Chris

Over sensitive skin

"Come on, Y/N! We're going to be late!" Chris called down the hall. You were halfway under your bed searching for your shoes that you had wanted to wear that day. It was a luncheon with Chris at the B.S.A.A. and you had said you would go because free food and you would get to see Jill, your favorite B.S.A.A. agent. Even though it should have been Chris considering he was your brother, but still.

"I can't find my slip ons!" You called back, throwing everything under your bed out into the open.

"What?" He asked, coming into the room. "Y/N, what are you doing? I thought you said you were ready?"

"I was but it's too hot for my other shoes!" You said with a huff, looking up at him as you kept trying to find the shoes you wanted.

"What do you mean? Just put your socks and shoes on," Chris said.

"It's too hot for socks and shoes. My feet will get sweaty and swollen and I hate it when they do that," you said, whining slightly as you became more upset.

"Just wear your flip flops, they're right by the door," Chris said tersely, pointing to them.

"But I don't want anything between my toes! I just-Chris!" You cried, feeling yourself get irritable as you threw a shoe at your closet.

"Well, first of all, take a deep breath," he said, kneeling in the floor with you. He pushed your hair back from your face, making you look at him. "Which shoes are you looking for?"

"My black slip ons," you said softly.

"What do they look like?"

"They're black and look like regular tennis shoes, but slip on with no laces," you said.

"They're by the front door. I just saw them," he said with a soft snort.

Getting up, you walked with him to the front door to find those very shoes you had torn your room apart for to be sitting there where Chris said they were.

"Oh. . . Thanks," you said, giving him a sheepish smile as you slid the shoes on. "Okay, I'm ready."

"Alright," Chris said, shaking his head as he grabbed his keys and wallet, letting you two out and finally onto the lunch.

Carlos

Non-verbal food textures

"Hey, what are you feeling like tonight for dinner?" Carlos asked, looking in the fridge for anything edible.

You joined him, looking as well to find not a lot.

"Ramen?" He asked, closing the door to look at you. You shrug and make an 'eh' face. "Alright, pizza? I got some coupons to use up to get us a couple of medium sized ones."

Giving him a thumbs up, you moved to the living room to flop on the couch, pulling out your phone. Playing a game, you let him over the pizza, trusting him to get you what you wanted. Carlos knew you were a picky eater and it wasn't hard to find something you liked once he had figured out what you didn't like.

No cooked veggies because of texture, vinegar and salt makes you gag, lettuce can't be wilted or any color other than green, raw fish is the devil, and you hate anything too sweet because it makes your teeth feel fuzzy.

"Alright, we got two mediums pizzas on their way. One supreme and one with extra cheese and light sauce," he said with a grin as he flopped down next to you. "Sound good?"

Looking up, you smiled at him and gave him a thumbs up.

"Good! Now, let's finish this Mariocart race. I've got to get my 1st place back from fucking Waluigi," he said, handing you a controller.

Leon

'Special Interest'

"They just opened up the newest exhibit! They have a whole ass Anaconda, Leon!" You cried, grabbing your brother by the hand and dragging him through the rest of the zoo just to get to the Reptile House. "They even got a komodo dragon now! We've been on the waiting list for one of those for two years!"

"Whoa, Y/N!" Leon cried, nearly falling over at you pulling him to hard. "Let me catch up. I thought you wanted to see the whole zoo, not just the snakes and lizards."

"The Reptile House. There's more than just snakes and lizards there. They have turtles and terrapins and alligators and I heard they're trying to get a Nile crocodile too!"

Leon should have known that you'd want the reptiles first. The apartment you two shared was covered in them, especially your room. While the living room had a few knick knacks here and there and some professional artist drawings of reptiles, your room was covered in posters and figures and even a few model skeletons of the animals.

You were in college for herpetology and had loved the animals since you were little. Leon however, did not. If there was so much as a spider larger than a quarter you were the one to get it. The man could shoot zombies and giant monsters all day, but he drew the line at every day animals.

"Oh gosh," you said in awe as you stepped into the cool building. The anaconda was in the back, so you dragged Leon behind you to get to it. "Usually they don't move a lot in captivity, but I think it's getting hungry," you said as the pair of you stopped in front of a large, glass cage. Inside was a beautiful green snake that was bigger around than Chris Redfield's biceps. It was slithering around, sniffing the air with its tongue flicking out.

"She's so pretty," you said, grinning as you watched her closely.

"I'm going to have to get you a season pass, aren't I?" Leon asked, making a face as you stood close to the tank, admiring the creature as it just moved around being a snake and chilling out.

"Yup!" You said, looking back at him with a grin. "Hey, Leon-"

"No. No pets, especially a snake," he said, cutting you off.

"It was worth a try."

#resident evil fanfiction #resident evil #fanfiction #chris redfield #carlos oliveira #leon kennedy #chris redfield x sibling!reader #carlos oliveira x sibling!reader #leon kennedy x sibling!reader #chris redfield x reader #carlos oliveira x reader #leon kennedy x reader

[lu-undy]

Chapter 83 - SBT

Here it is!

"The tea's the same…" 

Mundy's fingers were still shaking on the tea cup. Caroline gave a short chuckle. 

"Of course it is. Your father likes it as much as he hates to change his habits, eh, Mike?" 

"Guess so." Mike answered. 

"So tell me…" Mundy frowned. "Were you just… here, all these years?"

"Yeah, we were." Mike answered. 

"How did you survive?" Mundy put the tea cup back on the coffee table. "Why didn't you say anythin'? How did you find me?"

Mike sighed. 

"Tell him, Mike." Caroline pushed him. 

"Right…" Mike scratched his almost bald head. "All the answers to your questions are the same, it's thanks to Maurice. Remember Maurice, the beggar?"

"Yeah…?" Mundy raised a surprised eyebrow. 

"Well, he got us out of trouble, your mum and I, before it was too late and just in time." 

"How? And hold on, I've been working with him last year, he didn't say anything!" Mundy burst out. 

"Calm down, Micky, listen to your dad." 

Mundy calmed his voice but didn't manage to calm his racing heart and breath. So Maurice knew in all that time and he said nothing?!

"Well, here's what happened. That day, when those thugs set everything on fire, your mum and I quickly realised there wasn't much we could do or save. We tried to make it out and we did but not without a fight. I grabbed the rifle that we had and shot in the air, trying to scare whoever was burning everythin' up. It did the trick for a few seconds that were barely enough for us to run and hide reasonably out of sight, in the bush." 

Mundy drank his father's words like gospel while his mother held his hand to calm his trembling fingers.

"We watched everything we had just burn and fall. Your mother here cried every tear in her body. We felt terrible for the chickens and geese, and we hoped they managed to run away even though we knew there wasn't much room for an escape for them." Mike paused to catch his breath. "Your mum and I stayed low in the bush, waiting for it to pass and to finally come out of hiding but before we did, a young man found us. God forgive me, I almost shot him. He was one of Maurice's."

"How did he end up there?" Mundy asked.

"Turns out Maurice was watchin' over us."

"Why?" 

"Cause we were good people to him. He was just keepin' an eye on us and we never knew but God, did it save our lives. The young guy stayed with us and dragged us away to safety, in an old 4x4. He apparently had a shed in the bush. He drove us to town and hid us away for a while, in an old, abandoned house. Your mum and I stayed there for a while, bein’ fed with other poor souls. Your mum helped the kids, I repaired the odd broken thing. We only survived thanks to Maurice.”

“How did you end up in this house?” Mundy asked.

“The problem was the money. See, cause we were officially declared… dead, I stopped receivin’ my pension. Couldn’t get access to any money and whatever little amount of savings we had. But again, somehow Maurice sorted it out and put us again to safety in this house. We changed names and hid here.”

"Hold on," Mundy frowned. "You knew I was alive, right?"

"Yeah, I mean, you were off for a contract and not with us. Unless the thugs had somethin' against us personally, they wouldn't go after you." Mike answered. 

"And we asked Maurice, he said you were fine." Caroline added. 

"Why didn't you or him tell me?!" Mundy exclaimed. "D'you know what it's been like after you died? D'you have any idea what I've gone through without you?!" He roared.

"Micky, sweetie…" Caroline put his cup of tea away and lowered her head. 

"After a few days with Maurice, he discovered that the reason why the house and farm were burnt was because the blokes sending us letters relentlessly to get us out and drill for oil had gone impatient. I wanted to report everything but Maurice said that if that bloke was able to burn property and decent folks for it without fear, chances are regular police couldn't do anything against him. Apparently, he'd heard of the guy, he'd robbed a chain of banks in France a few months before and no one managed to catch him!" 

Mundy remembered Lucien telling him that Marie and Jeremy got killed because some robbers were being chased by the police. Yeah, Duchemin was in France, robbed a few banks and flew to Oz where he started digging for oil. 

"But why not tell me?!" 

"Because that would give us away!" Mike answered. "If we're alive, chances are, we'd try and claim our property back and they'd never stop chasing us!"

"But… But… I'd have hidden with you! I'd have helped you out! I'd have…!"

"Micky, we feared too much for our lives." Caroline added. "We dressed and lived like beggars to be able to survive, and it worked, while Maurice tried to sort out our money. God only knows how he did it but bless his soul."

"Enough about Maurice! I could have done that if you had just told me!" Mundy stood off of the sofa and started pacing the room to calm the rage boiling in him. "I could have helped! I'm your bloody son, a grown up and able man, aren't I?!" 

Caroline shook her head while still lowered. 

"Son," Mike stood up. "Your mum and I wanted to protect ourselves and protect you! We didn't want any shady criminal to run after us or after you! Cause he could, eh! He could just track us down, your mum, you and I until he puts us in the ground himself! Is that what you'd have preferred?!" 

"No!" Mundy shouted back. "But just tell me! What would it have cost to send me a word, a letter, anything?!" 

"Mundy, your mother couldn't eat and sleep for days! We were close to getting her to a hospital, her nerves were so thin! But we couldn't afford it! Not as long as our names hadn't been changed! We went through hell and back, son! Don't you dare think that we did what we did because it was easy!" 

"Yeah well in the end, it bloody was, wasn't it?! Hiding here for more than ten years!" 

"And how hard would it have been for you to leave your bloody rifles home and do honest work, hm? Earn decent money and watch after your old folks?! But no! Mister Mundy wanted to save the animals more than he wanted to actually live a normal life!" 

Caroline put a hand in front of her mouth and another one on her cheek. Not even an hour spent together and Mike and Mundy were already arguing… 

"That was my job, Dad, a job that no one else could do or did do!" 

"Well, wasn't there a reason for that?! You were sticking your neck out and asking to be shot down like those beasts you were protectin' better than your own parents!"

"No! I was doin' the only thing I could do! Back then, I didn't know anythin' else but shoot a rifle!" 

"O'course you did! What about the saxophone? What about the farm? You knew how to deal with them and you were good at it! Besides, you sayin' that in the past? You don't hunt anymore? Finally came around to learnin' some proper job and droppin' the guns?"

Mundy's jaw clenched harder. 

"Course I ditched the bloody things! What did you think? That I'd go on huntin'? Ya said it yourself, I was miles away when you needed me, felt awful!" 

"Shame it didn't feel awful sooner." Mike concluded coldly, his voice down to its normal volume. 

Mundy stared at him for a while, overwhelmed by what just happened and starting to process it against his own will. Gosh, his father still couldn't understand, could he? 

The Aussie's eyes went to his mother and it broke him. She was giving him the same eyes that she always had, the same eyes that pleaded for them both to stop arguing for the billionth time. Mundy sighed and exited the house. He walked in the street, fuming. 

He didn't want to go back home and face Lucien and his million questions. He didn't want to have to tell the story and feel all of it again. No. So Mundy put his hands in his pockets and walked back in the direction of the city. 

Gosh… What a day… 

If someone had told him his parents were alive and he would see them again, Mundy would certainly expect tears and hugs, not an argument. Well, both happened in the end. He should have left before asking any questions, he shouldn't have gone that way. Yeah, alright, that's plain stupid! Of course he had to ask! People don't go and die only to come back to life! 

Oh. 

Yes, yes, they did. 

Lucien first, and now his parents. Yes, they did. What the hell…? 

Mundy's feet soon led him into the city. He walked with his head low, not seeing the passer-bys, the shops, the cars and traffic. For him, there were only his brown boots and the grey pavement. 

Hold on. His father had said that his mother was nearly taken to the hospital after the events…? Gosh. Mundy screwed his eyes shut as he imagined the pain and distress his mother had to endure. Fuck! It was always the same, wasn't it? Mundy and his father argue while Caroline sits on the side with enough sadness in her eyes to fill the ocean twice!

Mundy felt it in him. If he could, he would at least pretend to get along well with his father, just for his mother's sake. But Mike always found the words, he always found the way to rub salt into the wound. It was ridiculous… More than ten years apart and they still couldn't have a decent conversation. And what ten years, eh? Mundy didn't even have the chance to tell them that he too had died for ten years, that it had taken him that amount of time to heal and manage to turn the page. That, and Lucien. 

Mundy stopped walking sharp and blinked a few times to finally look around him and make his brain accept external stimuli, wake up his ears and all his senses. 

Lucien. 

When Mundy's parents died, the Aussie's heart was left empty until he saw that stunning Frenchman sing at the Queen Victoria. And Mundy had gone there because of a blue and golden cufflink, where Johnson's alligators had been stolen. Gosh it seemed all so far now, almost as if it was a dream, and it hadn't really happened. 

Mundy sighed. Lucien had taken all the space in his heart and his mind now. Mundy was far from unhappy with it, he loved him with all his heart, so to speak. Hm. He wondered what he was up to, without dwelling on it too much. The Aussie didn't want to go back home yet, so he went on walking in the streets. 

Unbeknownst to him, Lucien had driven back to Mundy's parents. He waited there but Mundy wasn't exiting the place. Hm. He decided to have a look inside. Carefully, the ex-spy approached the house and made sure that no one would see even just his shadow passing by, through the windows. He got closer to one of the living-room ones and discreetly took a peek. 

"Oh…" 

Caroline was on the sofa and Mike was facing the fireplace. Both held their heads lowered. Lucien could see they were talking but it was low enough for the window to muffle the content of their conversation almost completely. The Frenchman squinted to read on their lips. 

"I know, Caroline. But it's the truth." 

"Mike… Come on." 

Lucien had seen enough. The disappointment on Mundy's parents’ faces was clear enough, the reunion hadn't been a success. He needed to find Mundy.

He hopped on his motorcycle and headed back home and unlocked the door. 

"Mundy?" 

"Meow…" Perle and Soot came trotting to Lucien and brushed themselves on his legs. 

"Mundy?" Lucien looked in the living-room, the kitchen, the bedroom and even the bathroom.

"Mundy n'est pas rentré?" 

[Hasn't Mundy come back home yet?]

"Meow." Perle answered and he sighed. 

"Où est-il alors?"

[Where is he then?]

Lucien looked through a window and saw the orange sky of the setting sun, turning the street in warm colours, while in his heart he wondered about his lover. 

Much further away from their home, Mundy was wandering in the streets. He let his feet decide where he needed to go while his head ground on his conversation with his parents and played it on loop, like a broken disc. 

He didn't notice the streets turning orange under the setting sun and his shadow flowing longer on the pavement. His eyes were glued to the ground and he carefully avoided a beggar sitting there - oh!

He turned back and looked down at the man in rags. 

"You with Maurice?" 

The beggar ignored him. 

"Look up, mate. I'm M, work with Maurice. I probably served you soup over the past few months." 

The beggar looked up. 

"Oh, sorry mate…" He stood up and pulled his trousers up, adjusting them. "Wanted to see Maurice?" 

"Yeah." 

"Last I knew he was home, go ahead." 

"Thanks." 

Mundy headed for the dirty neighbourhood and walked straight to a house. A beggar let him through underground and by the time he arrived at the door behind which Maurice was, his mind was set. 

"Maurice's is busy, mate." 

The well-built man at the door said. 

"Listen, you either let me in now or I swear you won't wake up to see the light of the day tomorrow."

"I'm sorry but-"

"Did I bloody stutter?" Mundy asked with his jaw clenched and every vein in his body pumping blood fast. 

The muscular bodyguard remembered that the last time someone had insisted on entering the room like that, the man was even smaller than the one he was facing, and maybe even slimmer. But he somehow ended up unable to use his voice for days and a bad throat for equally longer. 

"Right…" He took a step aside and Mundy stormed in the room. 

"Maurice!" 

"Mundy, I am already meeting someone, pray take a seat and - argh?!"

Mundy had walked straight to the tall beggar who was indeed meeting someone else. He shoved whoever that was aside and took Maurice by his collar, he pushed him on the wall and went to the tip of his toes, his canines shining fiercely under the low light of the room with the oval table. 

"What…? What's wrong with you…?" Maurice tried to speak while his throat was crushed by Mundy's knuckles.

"Me?! What's wrong with me?! That's rich comin' the one bloke who's been lying to me for more than ten years!"

"Gnh-! Y-you saw them - argh?!"

"Yeah! Lu' took me to them! You knew for ten years and I saw my parents, yeah! Give me one good reason to not pop your teeth out right here and now, just one!"

"Have you… Ever asked L… when… he knew…?"

Mundy released his grip on Maurice and the tall beggar fell to the floor, a hand to his throat. 

"No." Mundy answered. "But I don't need to!" He pulled Maurice back up to his feet from his collar and pushed him hard against the wall again. His back hit the wall with a muffled thud. "Why didn't you tell me? Why?!" 

"Because you would have blown their cover! I was trying to keep them safe, Mundy!" 

"You could have told me! What harm would it have done to them! None!" Mundy roared back. 

"You are wrong, mon loup." 

[My wolf.]

Hearing the voice with the French accent made Mundy spin on his heels. Lucien was at the door. He crossed the room and undid the button of his jacket with one hand, fluidly. 

"What would have happened if Maurice had told you that your parents were still alive?"

"I…" Mundy's whole attention was on Lucien, and his hands let go of Maurice again, who flopped to the floor. "I'd have tried to get who did this…"

"And what if you had found him, how would you have dealt with him? By reporting him to the authorities?" Lucien went on as he now stood only a metre away from Mundy. 

"Guess so, yeah." 

"I would have told you to not do it." Maurice's voice was thin and he could barely speak. He gathered what little strength Mundy had spared in him and pushed himself to stand on his two feet. "I'd have told you… No police could deal with him… And if you had found him, we would have before you. From there, we can assume that L would have dealt with him before you could." 

"But both of us were mourning." Lucien looked up at his lover and put a hand on his cheek, brushing it gently with his thumb. "Mourning and healing. So what would have happened to the young and wild Mundy, hm? At best, he would have gone on a wild duck chase and ended up empty-handed because someone else would have dealt with Duchemin. At worst, you would have ended up killed before you could even catch a glimpse of him. After that, your parents' days would have been numbered. Duchemin would have enquired about you and found that you are the son of those poor farmers he thought he had killed." Lucien paused to catch his breath. "By lying to you, Maurice saved you and your parents." 

"But… Hold on…" Mundy turned to Maurice who had sat on his wooden throne. "Why did you help me get Duchemin if that could have killed me and my family?"

"Because he knew that I would get him before you do." Lucien answered and Mundy's head swooshed back to his lover. "I would get him before you do, and the difference is that this was my mission, I signed for it and was paid for it. If I died because of it, so be it, that was a risk that I gladly took. But you? You were asking for nothing but justice for your parents." 

The Frenchman adjusted the collar of Mundy's polo shirt and splayed his hand on his chest. He raised his doe eyes to him and Mundy's mind imploded. He didn't know what to think anymore. 

"Follow me." 

The next thing he knew, Mundy was back home, lying on the sofa with his head on Lucien's lap. The Frenchman played with his lover's soft, brown locks of hair between his slim fingers. 

"Tell me, mon amour." 

[My love]

"I… I don't know what to think… I just wanna sleep and forget it all." 

"Why?" 

Mundy frowned. 

"Because… It was horrible…" Mundy turned and laced his arms around Lucien's waist, burying his head in Lucien's lower abdomen. He held him dearly and curled his long legs on himself as he closed his eyes. 

"What happened?" 

"Don't wanna talk about it…" 

"As you wish." Lucien kept brushing his lover's hair and put his other hand on his back. Perle and Soot jumped on Mundy and laid on him, to warm him up. They brushed themselves against him and purred. "Je suis là pour toi, mon amour. Tu peux tout me dire…"

[I am here for you, my love. You can tell me anything…]

"I know…" Mundy mumbled. "Thanks, luv'..." 

And Lucien heard the sound of a kiss that he felt on his shirt, on his abdomen. He smiled.

#tf2 sniper #tf2 spy #sniperspy #SBT

[nostalgia-tblr]

further loki s2 bitching (skip if u wanna)

Loki S2 either forgot about the variants concept or ditched it as too likely to draw the audience's attention to Sylvie-as-a-Loki and either way the variant stuff was MY FAVOURITE PART so thanks for that guys :|

#what happened to the original actor!brad eh? #why does loki assume jetski-seller mobius is *his* mobius rather than just one who never met him? #can sylvie also do the tree thing? is she immune to time fuckery too? #AND WHERE IS MY FUCKING ALLIGATOR FREN??? #i think this is why we all kind of ended up thinking Timely = HWR at one point? because there's only one of everyone else suddenly. #everyone who complained about 'selfcest' can go fuck themselves (and then berate themselves for their FILTHY FILTHY SIN) #loki spoilers #loki season 2 negativity #(that's a better tag than the general one for me cos i liked the first bit a lot) #read into my use of 'guys' what you will

[desiraypark]

When the Sun Sleeps in Canto Bight [5]

Previous Entire Work CHAPTER PLAYERS

The Knights of Ren: Ushar, Cardo, Trudgen, Ap’lek, Vicrul aka “Vic”, and Kuruk) Kylo Ren, Leader of the Knights of Ren Ruby Girard, The Beautiful Singer CHAPTER CONTENT N*FW -| Sexual content; mention of sex work; alcohol; language; back-story Additional Notes: Galactic Standard Calendar | 1920s Stockings, Tights, Nylons, Socks History by Vintage Dancer (scroll down to see how women of color (particularly Black women) wore their stockings) Word Count: 2,721

“I don’t get it. You fuck ‘em good, you give ‘em money and nice clothes—put ‘em up in a nice place, and they still aren’t satisfied. If I was a broad, I would be a-fuckin’ okay,” Ushar said, leaning back in a chair and smoking a cigarette. “She wants the ring, man. She wants the ring,” Cardo said. He was cleaning his gun. “Well, I’ve got a damn wife! Shit!” Ushar proclaimed. The Knights of Ren—all but Kylo, Vic, and Kuruk—were sitting in office of The Garden Lounge—their flagship establishment for over thirty years. It was a placed that lived up to its name: beautiful plant décor in the lounge; sky blue walls and plush brown carpeting—girls dressed in just enough to not be obscene, but just a little to remind you of “nature”, if you will. Vic was out front entertaining guests and Kuruk was manning the office. Trudgen was leaning against the teak-wood desk, downing a glass of whiskey, while Ap’lek was stretched out across the chaise. Finally, Kylo came in. 

“Evening, fellas,” Kylo said. “Evening,” they responded. “Where’s Vic?” Kylo asked as he sat behind his desk. “Minglin’,” Ap’lek answered. “Do you have your fuckin’ shoes on my couch?” Kylo asked. Ap’lek sat up and planted his feet on the floor. “Sorry, Boss.” “What’s goin’ on with the wife?” Kylo asked Ushar. He shook his head. “Wife’s fine. It’s the other one that’s bein’ a fuckin’ brat,” he responded.    “Why don’t you get rid of her?” Kylo asked, organizing things that didn’t need organizing on his desk. “Pussy’s too good, man.” The Knights chuckled. “Can somebody get—” Kylo started. At that moment, Vic walked through the door and left it open. Kuruk stood outside but stayed close enough to the office to hear what was going on. Vic sat beside Ushar, and Trudgen sat beside Ap’lek on the sofa. Kylo looked up at Kuruk and waved him in. “Come on in, Kuruk. Nobody’s gonna barge in here,” he said. Kuruk nodded, closed the door, and leaned against the wall beside it. “What’s goin’ on, fellas? Ap’lek, anything you wanna discuss?” Kylo asked. “Nope.” “I hear the Kesyk gang’s got a hold of some new toys. Automatic. Fast,” Cardo chimed in. “What makes ‘em special?” Kylo asked. “Faster. More precise. Lightweight,” Cardo answered. “Interesting. Look into it. How’s tricks?” “Steady,” Ushar answered. “The johns are startin’ to get a little bold, though. One of ‘em got a little rough with Hela and she cut him.” “Why can’t these bastards shoot their fuckin’ nut and leave?” Kylo asked. “How’s Hela?” “You know her. She’s cool but she said she’ll do it again,” Ushar answered. “As she fuckin’ should.

“Yeah, but--you think that would drive men away?” Ushar asked. “These fuckin’ johns would step over alligators to get some ass. And they know we’ve got the best fuckin’ girls and guys in Canto Bight. If they act like they have some sense, they ain’t gotta worry about nobody pullin’ no fuckin’ blades on ‘em.”

Ushar shrugged in reluctant agreement, and Vic smiled to himself. 

 The booze?” Kylo asked. 

“Booze is flowin’. Hearin’ more complaints from South Side, though,” Vic answered. “They still waterin’ the shit down?” Kylo asked. “No. This time they’re puttin’ in too much,” Vic answered. 

“People goin’ in for a couple of drinks and walkin’ out eatin’ the fuckin’ concrete,” Trudgen chimed in. He polished off his whiskey. “Fuckin’ idiots. I guess the only thing we can do is give them a fuckin’ recipe book or somethin’,” Kylo said. “Anything else goin’ on?” “Nope/No, boss,” the Knights said in unison. Vic cleared his throat. “There is one thing. Ren’s cousin reached out to me,” he said. “Sheev? That fuckin’ weirdo. What does he want?” “He was very vague. Said he wanted to discuss business and his “retirement”. Said to swing by the Death Star anytime. I was thinking Primeday? Around 2?” Vic suggested. “No can do. Got plans on Primeday. Centaxday. Afternoon.” Vic nodded. **********************

PRIMEDAY 

Kylo had spent the afternoon before dreaming up the perfect Primeday dinner. Everything usually closed or closed early on Primeday, so he had to think fast. Once he got an idea, he made his list and headed out to the markets—the butcher for lamb chops; the produce vendor for potatoes, mushrooms, lemons, and carrots. He’d even snatched a bottle of wine from the Garden Lounge’s inventory, and bought a chocolate cake from the bakery. Ruby agreed to be picked up at three. 

When Kylo pulled up at about 2:55, Ruby stood outside her building wearing another pink dress, blue baby doll heels, white stockings, and holding a white clutch in her hand. Thick curls peeped out of her white cloche hat. As she walked to the car, he climbed out and lifted his hands. “What the fuck are you doing?” he asked. Ruby froze. “What?” “You’re supposed to wait for me to come to your fuckin’ door,” he said. Ruby shook her head and kept walking, and he walked toward her. She looked him over—his tall figure dressed from head to toe in black: black trousers, black shirt, black vest, black oxfords. “I just thought it would be more convenient for me to wait outside for you,” she fibbed. Truth was, she didn’t want Crystal sizing him up and asking him questions. Kylo took her hand and led her to the car.  

Kylo had called Ruby’s building a dump. His building was nice, but so lifeless and empty. No art on the walls; no flowers. His own apartment was similar. Clean. Very clean and neat. But no art. No colorful accents to catch your eye. He had a gramophone but owned no records. At least he had a radio. After he’d poured her a glass of wine in his tiny kitchen, she’d taken it upon herself to go into the living room and turn it on. Then, she got a better look at the place—no pictures. Just a burgundy couch that appeared to never have been sat on and a dining table with only two chairs in the corner. “You gonna leave me in here by myself, Babydoll?” Kylo called from the kitchen. Ruby smiled and walked back into the kitchen. Kylo had taken off his vest and rolled up his sleeves. He was standing over his stove, putting potatoes into a pot of water. Then, he went into the icebox and pulled out a thick piece of brown paper—stuffed with something. Ruby leaned against the counter and watched him work, trying to bite down a smile. “Tell me about yourself,” he requested. Ruby took a sip of her wine. “You first.” She saw his chest rise and fall, trapping a chuckle. “What do you wanna know?” Ruby thought back to the things Crystal told her. Where to start? Why did he call himself Kylo Ren if he was a Solo? An Organa? She chose to point at the most intriguing target. “Did you try to kill your father?” she asked. Kylo dropped pieces of meat into a bowl he’d filled with water. “I didn’t try to kill him. We got into a fight. He was winning. I pulled a knife on him to scare him off.” Ruby’s jaw dropped. “Oh…” Kylo didn’t continue. “May I ask what the fight was about?” Kylo sighed. He grabbed a bottle of vinegar from his cupboard and poured some into the bowl. 

“I’d been out with some friends. Fuckin’ around. Stayed the night with some br--some girl--and didn’t come home until the next morning. I was 18. Thought I was a man. My dad wouldn’t let me inside. Told me I was falling to the Dark Side...that I needed to repent and start coming to sanctuary with him, yada-yada-yada. I told him to shove his sanctuary up his ass and we just started brawlin’ in front of the neighbors.” “So, you’ve always been a little smart mouth,” Ruby joked. Kylo laughed. “Not always. I was just tired of people telling me what to do.” Ruby put her wine glass on the counter, grabbed the edge, then lifted herself to sit high. Then, she yanked off her hat and fluffed her hair. “What did your mom have to say about all of this?” she asked. “She did what she usually did. Defended me in front of him. Because she hates him just as much as I do. But told me how much of a disappoint I was to her behind closed doors.” Ruby’s watched Kylo move about in silence--moving the meat around in the bowl. Everything was making sense. The typical tale—poor little rich boy, rebellious and angry. He glanced at her, then avoided her sympathetic stare--placing his eyes on the pot of boiling potatoes instead. 

“I’m sorry you went through that,” she said. He shrugged and washed his hands.

"Eh. I’m over it. It was a long time ago,” he said. He dried his hands on a towel, then poured himself a glass of wine. “Your turn,” he said as he poured. 

“What do you want to know?” Ruby asked, echoing him. “Tell me about your parents.” He rested his hip against the counter and took a sip.

“I think…my mom is essentially your dad,” she said with chuckle. “Everything is dark-sided to her. Singing about anything unrelated to the gods. The radio. Picture shows. Lipstick. She didn’t have to put me out. As soon as I turned 18, I was outta there.” Kylo listened to Ruby speak, but found himself getting lost in her--her hands that moved with every word she said; brown legs that lifted by the knee when the edge of the counter started cutting off her circulation. Even when she talked, there seemed to be a melody in her voice. She spoke highly of her father—apparently he was a laid-back and funny man—and she justified her mother’s puritan ways by admission of her being protective and caring. “So, mom wouldn’t think too highly of me, huh?” Kylo asked. “Oh, she’d probably melt into a puddle, she’d be so incensed,” Ruby said with a laugh. She guzzled the remainder of her wine. Ruby’s laugh made him smile. He tapped his fingers against his wine glass. “What does Ruby think about me?” he asked. A stillness fell over her. She stared at Kylo’s face—dark eyes boring into her; long waves draped over the side of his face as the result of a side part. Her eyes fell onto the stitches on his cheek, then back at his irises. “I think you’re impulsive and hot-headed,” she said. Kylo rolled his eyes and smirked. “…and passionate. Maybe even loyal...in search of something…” Potatoes began to knock against each other in the pot. Kylo stared into Ruby’s eyes, then at her painted lips. They parted just a centimeter, as though tired of being pressed together. Tired of not being touched. Kylo leaned in close and stopped. Ruby traveled the rest of the space and pressed her lips to his. He moved to stand directly in front of her and held the nape of her neck, pulling her closer as she rested her hands on his waist. He stopped kissing her but didn’t pull his face away. “You want me to stop?” he asked breathlessly. His heart was pounding and he silently prayed that she said “no”. “No,” she said. Kylo pressed his lips back against hers and ran his hand up her thigh. She held the back of his neck and deepened their kiss—pushing her tongue into his mouth. He let her tongue in, and the hand that was on her neck, moved up to grab a handful of her curls. Ruby moaned into his mouth and opened her knees. The feeling of Ruby’s knees moving against him made Kylo stiffen. His hand moved further up her thigh, and in between them. He slipped two fingers past the seat of her panties and rubbed them against her outer lips. Then, he rubbed his way to her warm core and pushed them inside. Ruby pulled her face away and rested her head against the cupboard. Her eyes were wide. “Your fingers are big,” she said with shock in her voice. Kylo smiled and kept fingering. He pushed her left knee open some more, then watched her face crinkle. She closed her eyes and bit down on her lip—allowing ecstasy to overtake her. Then, he stopped fingering her and bent at his waist. Just as he did so, the water on the stove began to boil harder. He jumped up—annoyed at the stove for doing its job—turned the burner off, yanked Ruby’s panties down, and put them in his pants pocket. Then, he pushed back the skirt of Ruby’s dress. She tilted to the left to lift the right hem, then tilted to the right to lift the left—revealing the hooked garters that pressed into her fleshy thighs and held her nylons up. She let the bottom of her dress bunch at her waist.

Kylo stared at her vulva—everything. The lips; the slit leaking from its top and probably down to her core with arousal; the brown rosebud that was fighting to be seen. Ruby pressed her palms against the counter and opened her legs more. Kylo smirked. “Anxious?” he asked. “Yes. I am,” she answered—breath loud, hot, and sure. Kylo bent at the waist and turned his body to the side. He dipped his head between Ruby’s inner thighs, and without hesitation, rapidly flicked his pointed tongue against her clit. Ruby cried out and grabbed a handful of his hair, moaning as he lapped her up. He didn’t abandon an inch of her—tongue venturing around, over, and inside of her—causing her to grind against his face. With a mouth full of pussy, he stared up at her, ego steadily growing with every squirm, every twitch of her brow and every bite of her lip. When he stuck his fingers back inside, she tightened her grip against his scalp and finally looked down at him. The sight of him looking up at her with darkened eyes made her own eyes close again, but he put space between his lips and her flesh. “Look at me when you come,” he said. A chill went down Ruby’s spine and she looked down into Kylo’s eyes. He inserted a third finger and massaged her walls as he sucked and ravaged her clit. Suddenly, he felt her contracting over his fingers. Her jaw dropped and a strained sound left her throat. Then, she let out an endless high-pitched moan and tried to pull away from his lips—but Kylo didn’t stop until his tongue absorbed the very last drop of her sweet cum. She fell backward and rested her head on the cupboard again—loud breaths filling the quiet of the kitchen. Barely giving her a minute, Kylo peeled her off the counter and tossed her over his shoulder—making her squeal as if she were on an amusement ride. He carried her to his bedroom and dropped her onto his bed. He pulled off her shoes, then pulled at the buttons of his vest. Ruby sat up, pulled her dress over her head, unclasped her bra, and tugged at the hook on her right garter. “Keep those on,” he said. He stared at her thighs and licked his lips.

Ruby moved her hand and fell back. She watched Kylo get completely naked. She barely got a good look at him before he was on top of her, planting kisses against her neck. He grabbed her right leg and pressed it back so that her knee was over her chest. Shortly after, she felt something warm and stiff rubbing against the outside of her core—it pressed into her, and the pressure sent a wave throughout her entire body. “Fuck…” they whimpered at the same time. Then, they chuckled. Kylo kissed her lips and inhaled her moans as he pushed more inches into her. He caught her grabbing the blanket in his peripheral, and slowly penetrated her until he couldn’t go any further. “You okay?” he asked. “Yes,” she strained to answer. 

He grabbed her left hand and placed it over the meatiest part of his waist. Then, he dragged out of her, and drove back in. He held on to her right thigh, the leg still pushed back, and dipped in and out of her—fast enough to please, but slow enough for the both of them to feel their lover’s every twitch and pulse, and grip and stroke.

#when the sun sleeps in canto bight #chapter 6 coming thursday

[yeet-or-be-hawed]

“Bloody Knuckles” High Honor!Arthur Morgan x Low Honor!Reader

Okay, it took me forever to get this fic out because I had the separate ideas for art supply store and low honor reader/high honor Arthur but couldn’t quite come up with a solid plan. After playing some Red Dead, I had a very strong urge to beat there ever living shit out of Micah and that sparked this idea! I honestly really like the idea of High Honor Arthur and Low Honor Reader so you’ll probs see more fics like this one in the future! 

Fluff with lots of adorable pining! Trigger warning: Violence, sexual harassment, mention of rape (just a threat, but just in case.)

After Arthur fills the pages in his journal, you take him to a small art supply shop to help him pick out a new one.

You rolled into camp mid day. You had been gone for three days to work a robbery but the Pinkertons arrived at impeccable timing. You spent the last two nights sleeping in the woods and you were pissed. Ever since Micah joined your rag tag group, trouble has been behind every corner. At first you thought it was coincidence when your jobs went smoothly while Micah was in jail or camping up near Strawberry. You told yourself it was because he wasn’t there to fly off the handle, but ever since he returned to camp, you weren’t so sure. Blood was dried to your clothes and you were covered in dirt head to toe.

You hitched your horse and made a beeline for your tent. You felt grimy and exhausted. “Come on, girl. Let me get a taste of that chocolate skin.” Your head twisted up in disgust to see no other than Micah cornering Tilly. Usually you don’t have time to get caught up in camp drama, but when Tilly caught your eye, the fear you saw there sent you off the handle. You stormed up behind Micah and grabbed his shoulder, spinning him to face you. “Y/N!” He said in surprise. “So quiet, I didn’t even hear ya come back to camp.” His voice was nervy, knowing he had been caught. You looked at Tilly. “Go on, Ill take care of this trash.”

Tilly nodded and quickly walked in the direction of her tent. Micah sneered at you. “Ya know, I like seeing you get all jealous, warms my heart. You know you’ll always be my favorite.”

You spit at his feet. “I don’t know why but Dutch trusts you. My personally, I wouldn’t trust you farther than I could throw you. I hear one more disgusting remark, see you put one more hand on one of the girls round here, you’ll be dead. Hear me? No questions asked, I can deal with Dutch later.”

“You think killin’ me is gonna be that easy cowpolk?” Micah straightened his back, he was bigger than you and trying to assert dominance.

You laughed, “trust me, had weapons been allowed in camp, youdve been dead long ago.”

Micah scoffed. “Careful sweet thang, or I’ll be comin’ after you next.” He leaned in close and whispered in your ear. “I’ll slit your throat before you wake up, that way no when can hear you scream while I fuck your-“

“Well well, if it ain’t my two favorite people!” Dutch approached you from his tent.

You pushed Micah off you and brushed your clothes. “You May want to reevaluate your favorite people Dutch, it’ll get your throat slit in your sleep one day.” You glared at Micah as you shoved passed Dutch. You gave up warning Dutch long ago. He wasn’t the man you once followed, the Dutch you knew would’ve never let a piece of scum like Micah into their ranks. The Dutch you knew would’ve sent him packing the first time he touched Mary Beth, or tried to pay Abigail for sex. Just about every woman in that camp went to Dutch, voicing their fears and uncomfort with Micah. You recalled Mary Beth crying to Dutch about how Micah had groped her and whispered vile things in her ear and if Charles didn’t walk by when he did, she wouldn’t have gotten out there so quickly. You remembered listening in wholehearted disgust as Dutch defended him, told her not to be so sensitive and Micah didn’t mean it. When Mary Beth ran from Dutch’s tent crying, you barged in and gave Dutch an ear full. The whole camp could hear you screaming at him and he just watched you with cold uncaring eyes. That was the day you decided Dutch wasn’t the man you once knew, nor would he be the man you followed. There was one reason you stayed, and one reason alone. There he was, sitting under a shady oak tree with his nose buried in his journall. Nothing in this world had ever softened your heart like he did.

Your body was tired and you were angry, but there he was, so peaceful and calm. His hair moved with the gentle breeze, this was your destresser. You smiled as you approached him.

“Whatcha workin’ on?” You asked as you approached him from behind.

He looked up at you and smiled. “Ran into Albert again today. He was tryin’ to get pictures of alligators.”

You rolled your eyes, “that man is going to get himself eaten one day.”

Arthur handed you his journal. “I know, that’s what I keep telling him, but the man’s a damned fool.”

You admired the beautiful sketch that took up the last two pages in his journal. Arthur didn’t let anyone look into his journal, most the camp didn’t even realize he could draw much less write. “Arthur, this is beautiful! In another life you would’ve been a famous artist.” You frowned. “Sucks it’s your last page though.”

Arthur rubbed his neck and you handed him the journal. “Yeah, I’m in need of a new one. I already checked at the store in Rhodes and they don’t have any. God knows how long it’ll take me to find another one.”

“I do!” You cried. “In Saint Denis, I saw an art store right beside the tailor!”

“Well alright!” Arthur said as he stood. “I’ll head that way.” He extended a hand down to you. “Want to come with? Looks like you could use a visit to the tailor. And a bath.”

You laughed, “I suppose you’re right. Let me change into some different clothes and splash some water on my face and I’ll be ready.”

“Sounds good!” Arthur turned and waved as he walked towards his tent. Suddenly your body wasn’t so tired and you weren’t in such a bad mood when you made your way to your tent. You dug around in your trunk for your favorite shirt. “Shit, where is it?” You cursed to yourself. You looked down. That’s where it was. You had mistakenly grabbed it and shredded it for bandaging just before you left for your robbery job. You sighed and called to Abigail who shared a tent with you. “Can I borrow one of your shirts? I’m taking Arthur down to Saint Denis.”

She raised an eyebrow at you, “How gentlemanly of you.”

You rolled your eyes. “Shut up. I guess I’ll stop at the tailor to grab a new outfit if you just let me borrow one.”

Abigail crosses her arms. “You gotta let me pick it out.”

You groaned. “Fine, but no skirts, you know I don’t like skirts.”

Abigail rolled her eyes as she went through her blouses. “I know I know. I wish you would just try them though, they’re perfect for this weather, plus I bet Arthur will think it’s cute.” She gave you a knowing look and you turned red.

“No he won’t, because I ain’t cute period.” You crossed your arms stubbornly then sighed. You did like the idea of Arthur thinking your cute. You bit your lip. “Just find me a cute blouse and I’ll be out of your hair.”

“A cute blouse eh?” Abigail giggled. “How about this one?” She lifted up a button down pale blue shirt with little white flowerrs.

“I like it, but they won’t match my pants.”

“Then wear a pair of mine!”

“All of yours are too tight!”

She rolled her eyes and threw you a pair of golden khaki riding pants. “That’s because they’re actually made for women. They wouldn’t feel too tight if you didn’t wear men’s clothes all the time.”

“They’re comfy.” You responded as you changed pants.

“Yeah well comfort won’t catch a man now will it?”

You sighed as you pulled off your top and began buttoning the new one. You turned and looked at your reflection. It always surprised you to see how much curvier you were in women’s clothing. “And a final touch,” Abigail sung as she replaced the old beat up hat on your head for a more feminine sun hat. Floppy yet simple. You groaned. “I dunno Abigail, I think I look funny.”

She leaned her head against your shoulder as you looked in the mirror. “You look adorable, you just ain’t used to wearing proper clothes. Now get out there!” She shoved you hard and you stumbled out of the tent. You almost fell when heavy hands caught you. he chuckled, “careful now.”

You smiled up at him as you leveled your feet. “Thanks Arthur.”

“No problem.” He backed up and looked at you. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in women’s clothes before.”

You blushed and turned away, “I know, I look silly. I just-“ you sighed and felt ridiculous. “Abigail let me borrow some clothes since most of mine are in rags.”

“You look lovely.” He extended his elbow to you, “you ready my lady?”

You tucked a fly away hair behind the sun hat and took his arm. He led you to the horses and unlooped his arm from yours. “You can ride with me if you like.” He offered.

You nodded. “Thank you Arthur, Blue deserves a rest, he’s been on his hooves since the morning I left.”

Arthur mounted his horse and offered you his hand. You took it and he helped you up his horse. “What happened back there by the way? I thought it was only gonna take a day.”

You rolled your eyes as you wrapped your arms around his waist and the horse bolted off. “Pinkertons showed up and ruined the whole damn plan. I swear, its like every job we plan with dumb ass Micah ends with the law knowing exactly how to catch us. Something’s up with him and I know it.”

Arthur nodded. “I can’t stand that snake. I don’t know what Dutch sees in him.”

“Me neither. One of these days I’m gonna knock his teeth out.”

Arthur laughed, “I’d pay to see that.”

“Well, stick around because if I see him touch Tilly one more time I’m gonna rip his arm right out of its socket.”

Arthur laughed, “so violent!” Arthur’s voice changed more serious. “Seriously though, don’t go gettin’ yourself hurt by messin’ with a fool like him. If he ever bothers you, you tell me. I’ll take care of him real fast.”

You scoffed and rolled your eyes. “What, you think I can’t take him on my own?”

“I never said that.” Arthur’s horse slowed to a casual trot as you entered the large city. “This is Saint Denis?” He coughed and gagged. “Smells terrible.”

“Turn here. Yeah, humanity’s greatest advancements. I’m not surprised, humanity has a way of painting a pile of shit gold and calling it divinity.”

“I couldn’t agree with you more.” Arthur tipped his hat to a passing carriage. “The sooner we get outta here, the better.”

“Just keep heading straight. At the end of this street take a left and it should be on the corner up here.”

Arthur followed your directions to the art supply. He pulled his horse to a halt and hitched it in front of the building. He dropped from the horse to let you down. “Such a gentleman!” You laugh.

You walked up the stairs to the shops and Arthur took your hand to lead you through the crowds. You looked down at his big hand wrapped around yours and swallowed the lump growing in your throat. He released your hand when you entered the small art supply shop. “Welcome!” Greeted the shop owner.

“Afternoon, partner.” Arthur responded. You were always so taken aback by Arthur’s polite manners. For someone who grew up as rough as he did, you wondered where those polite mannerisms came from. You split off to explore the store. Art supplies lines the walls, everything from canvas to paint to pencils to things you didn’t even have names for.

“Y/N!” Arthur called in a hushed voice. “Over here.”

You found him surrounded by note books, journals, and sketchbooks. “Wow,” You whispered. “There’s so many to choose from.”

“Which is your favorite?” He asked.

You rolled your eyes, “we’re here for you Arthur, not me.”

He shrugged. “I know, just curious.”

Your eyes studied the books, various styles and shapes. You smiled down at a red brown leather journal, small flowers ran embellished the border and a fox ran down the spine. “I like this one! How about you?”

Arthur was holding one similar, the leather was more brown and it had a deer stamped with ink on the front. He nodded, “I think I’m gonna go with this one. Why don’t you get that one?” He asked as you set yours back on the shelf.

You shrugged. “I’ll come back for it later. I really need to spend my money on some new clothes right now. Although, if you distract the shop keep I can steal it.”

Arthur raised a brow at you then shook his head disapprovingly. “Fine.”

His broad shoulders bumped you as he squeezed between you and the shelf of journals. When Arthur got to the front to pay, you looked down at the shelf and the journal was gone! You frantically looked around the shelf and shifted books out of the way. It was just there? You bent down to search the floor when Arthur called to you from the door. “Let’s go!”

You frowned and met him at the door. He was clutching the brown paper bag the clerk had put his new purchase in. “What’s wrong?” He asked.

“I couldn’t find the journal! One minute it was there and then it was gone, I guess it’s no big deal but I was hoping you could teach me to draw.”

He looked at you surprised. “Really? Would you rather someone more talented teach you?”

You scoffed and gave his shoulder a shove. “Of course! You’re a very talented artist, Arthur.”

His cheeks turned a slight shade of pink as he rubbed his neck sheepishly. “Nah, it’s just little doodles that’s all.”

The look on his face when he talked down to himself always made your heart ache. You could see through the sad smile he was trying to pass off. “Why do you always do that?” You asked.

“Do what?”

“You always talk about how bad you are and how ugly you are. You can’t even admit that you’re good at the things you enjoy like drawing and writing!” You huffed. “I just hate seeing you put yourself down, you’re your own worst enemy and you’re just so-“ You cut yourself off. You could feel him staring at you and your cheeks flushed. You looked away and quickly changed the subject. “So, do you need anything while we’re at the tailor?”

He cleared his throat and stroked his thick beard. “I guess I could use a new vest.” He pulled his finger through a hole in the side seem of his worn down vest. “What kinda clothes are you thinkin’?”

“I definitely need some new shirts and pants. I uh, I was thinking I would buy some more women’s clothes.”

“Like a skirt?” Arthur asked. He didn’t laugh, but you still felt embarrassed.

“I dunno, I feel like I look weird in ladies clothes.” Your eyes stayed on the ground feeling rather self conscious.

He put his hand on the small of your back and you looked up at him. He greeted your gaze with a kind smile. “I think you’ll look lovely in whatever you choose.”

Your whole face turned bright red and you tripped over your words. “Oh I...t-thank you Arthur.”

A small bell chimes as he held the door open for you. The boutique was filled with fancy dresses, trousers, skirts. Blouses of every style and color hung from the walls. Arthur’s hand did not stray from your waist and you took comfort in the warmth of his hand. Arthur seemed to be having more fun with this than you, pulling pieces out to show you left and right. He did always have such nice style, so you trusted in his opinion. You laughed as he pulled ridiculous things and he made silly faces. He draped your pieces over his arm, not allowing you to hold any of it. Even when you pulled out a lovely vest he quickly snagged it and threw it over his arm. After you exhausted the women’s side of the boutique, you moved to the men’s side. Arthur shook his head in disapproval every time you lifted an over sized ranch shirt up for yourself. You’d roll your eyes, but you couldn’t help but recall your conversation with Abigail. You decided to step out of your comfort zone and Arthur was helping.

“Just a vest, my ass.” You taunted as Arthur added a pair of pants over his shirt and two vests. “Are you sure you don’t want me to carry anything?”

“No!” Arthur said defensively as you tried to snatch the clothes from his hand. “Damn it woman I’m finished lookin’ anyways.” He led you to the fitting rooms and handed you your pile. As he turned to his separate room he pointed a finger at you, “now I want to see those on you before you go sayin’ they look ‘weird.’”

“Fine fine, but if I should you mine you show me yours!” You joked as you closed the door to your room.

“Ha ha, very funny.” You heard him call sarcastically from his room.

The first outfit you tried on had navy riding pants and a fitted pink button down, accented with navy buttons and outlining. You added a white floral vest to it and examined it in the mirror before stepping out. “I dunno,” you called to Arthur. “I like the colors, but do you think it’s, I don’t know...too frilly?”

Arthur stepped out in his new chocolate pants, beige button down, and a paisley vest, mostly dark crimson with accents of various shades of brown. The clothes hugged his body perfectly and the vest accented his broad  shoulders and chest. You cleared your voice, trying not to stare.  “Looks good.”

He looked over your outfit and smiled as he adjusted his sleeves. “Back at ya, I think it looks perfect. You just ain’t used to something that isn’t a hand me down from Hosea or John.”

You punched his shoulder as you stepped back into the dressing room. “Thanks.” You said sarcastically.

Your next outfit had brown high waisted trousers and a red blouse, the material was thin and felt soft against your skin. You tucked your shirt in and smiled, this felt more like you. You fixed your collar as you walked out of your fitting room. Arthur was leaning against the doorway, the only change in his outfit was the color of his vest. This one was olive green with golden accents. “Very nice.” You said. “That one is definitely my favorite, which are you gonna go with?”

He shrugged. “Both probably. I like the red, but I gotta go with what the pretty lady says.”

You rolled your eyes as you turned back into the dressing room. “I don’t know about that.”

“I do.” He muttered.

You picked up the last outfit. A good pair of denim work pants and a linen top, perfect for the upcoming warm weather. Arthur had just stepped out of his fitting room in his original clothes, the pieces he had just tried on slung over his arm. “Whatcha think?” You ask.

He looks down at you and smiled. “Looks like it’s your favorite.”

“It is.” You smiled back.

He put a hand on your shoulder. “Then it’s my favorite. Hurry up and try on that last outfit.” He took a seat in a chair just outside the fitting rooms. “I’ll be right here.”

You gave him a confused look and turned back to the fitting room. “There isn’t anoth-“

“Yes there is!” He called back to you. You looked down and saw the chemise first. It’s material was soft and sheer. Underneath it was a beautiful blue material with tiny pinstripes, it reminded you of Arthur’s favorite shirt. Your cheeks flushed when you picked it up and it unfolded into a skirt. Abigail’s voice rang in your head, “I bet Arthur will think it’s cute.” Her teasing voice echoing in your mind.

You sighed and pulled on the chemise then hitched the skirt to your waist. You turned to the mirror and looked over the outfit. The way the skirt hugged the small of your waist made you look so tiny and the chemise was more low cut than you were comfortable with, but it silhouetted your body perfectly. When you walked out of the fitting room, Arthur was fiddling with this fingers. You cleared your throat and smiled shyly. He cleared his throat as his eyes trailed up and down your body. “That’s uh, that looks real..good.” He tripped over his words and his cheeks flushed. “I know you don’t normally wear skirts but I saw it and I just” He sighed. “It was my favorite color and I thought it would nice on you.” He looked up at you from under the brim of his hat with a sheepish smile. “You can put it back if you don’t like it I just-“

“I like it. I want to wear it out.”

He cleared his throat again, “good I’m glad you like it. I’m gonna go pay for my stuff while you get your stuff. Meet me outside when you get done.”

You nodded and turned to the fitting room to gather your things. Arthur has already paid and was standing against the building outside when you came out. When the owner gave you your price at the register, you tried to correct him; surely it was supposed to be more. He pointed out the window towards Arthur. “The fella you’re with paid for the clothes you’re wearing. He seems like a keeper, that one does.”

“Yeah, he does.” You said as you handed him your money. You gave him a wave as you exited the store. He looked up and smiled as you walked out of the store. He put his arm around your waist. “Want to grab a bite to eat before we head home?”

“I’d love to, but you’re letting me pay this time.”

He looked down at you,  his brows furrowed. “What? No. I’m paying.”

You groaned. “Arthur, I can’t let you buy me clothes and dinner, you’ve already spent enough on me. It’s not like this is a date or anything.” You joked.

Arthur tried to hide the disappointment on his face under the brim of his hat as grip on your waist loosened. “Oh. Well, I was hopin’....”

You looked up at him in surprise and pulled his hand back down to you. “It’s a date then.”

He smiled and his grip on you tightened. As you walked together to the saloon you flirted and laughed and it felt so natural. He held the door open for you and led you to the nearest table. “I’ll be right back.”

You watched as he walked to the bartender and ordered. After a few moments he returned with two plates. Your mouth watered as he sat your plate in front of you. A big piece of prime rib took up the majority of the plate with a side of potatoes. You were both quiet as you ate, both too focused on how delicious the food was. After you finished your plate you let out a loud belch, awarding you with a hearty laugh from Arthur. “I’m stuffed. Thank you Arthur, that was great. A whole hell of a lot better than whatever Pearson cooked up tonight.”

Arthur wiped his mouth. “Damn straight. It’s starting to get late, you ready to head home?”

You nodded. “Sounds good to me.” Arthur stood and offered you his hand. You took it and he intertwined his fingers with your as you walked out of the saloon. The sun was barely visible on the horizon, the sky mostly hues of dark blue. With his spare hand, Arthur whistled loudly for his horse.

“I’ve been meaning to do this for awhile now, take you out I mean.” He stroked his beard, “probably about as long as you’ve been riding with us.”

His horse came around the corner and you moved into the street. He put his hands around your waist and hoisted you onto the saddle. He sat behind you and pulled his arms around you to give the reigns a quick flick. You leaned back and he settled his chin on top of your head. “What a silly ol’ fool I am for waitin’ this long. Guess I always thought I wasn’t good enough for this.” He held his reigns loosely in one hand as he snaked the other around you and gave you a squeeze.

You buried your face into his chest. “I don’t know where your self hatred comes from, but I wish I could take it away from you. I wish you could see the you I see. The funny handsome man who is the kindest soul I’ve ever met. You’re so genuine, I’ve never met someone quite like you. You give me hope that maybe I could be a good person one day.”

His voice was soft in your ear. “You’re already a good person. “

“Not as good as you. I’ve killed and robbed more men, women, and children than I can count. I never really cared til I met you, you make me want to be better.”

He kissed your ear softly. “I don’t believe you could get any better than this.”

He half buried his face in your hair, keeping his eyes on the road. The soft buzzing of the crickets around you soothed you and your body began to fall back into the exhaustion you felt this morning. Your eyes felt heavy as you rested against his chest. “We’re almost there darlin’, I’m sorry I’ve kept you out so late.”

“S Okay, I’m not tired.”

He smiled. “You’re a bad liar.”

“I know.” You yawned and closed your eyes.

You didn’t even feel the horse slow to a stop. Arthur placed a kiss on the top of the head. “We’re here, sweetheart.”

He slipped down the horse and pulled you down gently. “I had so much fun today Arthur. I came home feeling terrible and you turned my whole day around. I wasn’t expecting this.” You spoke softly as he walked you to the tent, most of the camp already asleep. His fingers brushed yours and you tangled yours with his. “Me neither.” You approached your tent and you heard Abigail snoring softly. You stood staring at each other under the moon light. His thumb rubbed your hand softly. “I should let you go on then, it’s getting late.”

“Okay.” You whispered.

He let out a shaky breath and put his large palm on your face. You leaned into him as he pulled you close and gave you the softest kiss you had ever had. His lips were smooth on yours and you wrapped your arms around him, pulling his body tightly against yours. When he pulled away from you, you could see the redness on his cheeks and could feel his heart pounding against his chest. “I uh, I should go. Good night, Y/N.”

“Good night, Arthur.” You watched has he walked away, your fingers against your lips.

You almost jumped out of your skin when you entered the tent, Abigail was sitting wide awake on your bed. “Shit! Abigail, were you awake the whole time?”

She smiled at you widely, “I dunno, was that the sound of lip smacking I just heard out there?”

 You threw your pillow at her. “Shut up!”

“Ahhh no way!” She squealed.  She looked you up and down. “I see you changed your mind on skirts.” She said pointedly towards your new clothes.

“He picked it out for me, he said he was his favorite color.” You smiled down at the skirt as you fummed with the material.

“Shut up, that’s adorable. Tell me everything!” You stayed up late with Abigail and gave her all the details as you showed her your new clothes.

Arthur woke up early the next morning and pulled himself out of bed to make the morning coffee. Arthur couldn’t help but play back the night before on loop in his head. He couldn’t get over the way your lips felt on his, the way your body felt against his. When he finished the coffee, he turned and found the ususal early morning coffee group talking as he approached. He poured his own cup then handed the kettle to Sadie. “Mornin’ Arthur.” She handed the kettle to Abigail, who then handed it down to Tilly.

“So Arthur,” Tilly said in a mischievous tone. “I heard you and Y/N didn’t get back from Saint Denis until late last night.”

He rubbed his neck sheepishly. “Oh hush, its not like we did anything promiscuous.” He stared down into his coffee and could already feel the heat rising in his cheeks.

Sadie smacked him in the gut, “Arthur! I didn’t expect you to be such a lady killer.”

Arthur his his face under the brim of his hat, “Shuddup.”

Tilly giggled, “I didn’t think you had such a soft spot Arthur. I think it’s sweet.”

Abigail smiled as she took a sip from her coffee. “I do too.”

Arthur was bright red now and he stammered over his words. I don’t- you sh-“ he groaned. “Don’t you ladies have something better to do right now?”

Tilly laughed and Sadie rolled her eyes as the girls turned to walk away. When Abigail turned to leave, Arthur caught her shoulder, “Wait, can you do me a favor?”

She turned to him. “Sure, whatcha need?”

He pulled a small brown bag from his satchel and hands it to Abigail. His voice grew soft and his eyes were full of admiration as he stared down at the small brown parcel. “Can you leave this on her nightstand?”

“Of course.” Abigail turned to leave then turned her head over her shoulder. “You did a good job picking out that skirt by the way.”

“I thought so too.” He muttered to himself as he finished his coffee.

“Arthur!”

He looked up to see Dutch approaching him. “Good morning, my boy!” He hooked a heavy arm around Arthur’s shoulders and pulled him towards the horses. “I’m meeting Sheriff Gray in town and I want you to join me.”

“Okay, how long’s this gonna take?” He said as he looked longingly to your tent.

“Not long. We’ll be back by early afternoon.”

Arthur nodded and he mounted his horse. He knew you wouldn’t be awake for a few more hours, but he was disappointed he wouldn’t be there when you found your gift.

“Let’s go.” Arthur said and dug in his spurs.

When you woke, the morning sun was already high in the sky. You stretched and slowly pulled yourself out of bed. You yawned as you pulled on your denim work pants and linen shirt. You reached for your hat on the night stand and stopped. Sitting beside your hat was the small paper bag from the art store, your name scrolled across the top in Arthur’s beautiful handwriting and a fox drawn under your name. You reached in and pulled out the journal you had picked out in the art store. “That sneaky bastard,” you whisper as you run your fingers across across the cover.

You put the journal into your satchel and grabbed your hat, eager to show Abigail. You found her doing laundry and as she saw you turn the corner, she jumped up and ran to you. “What was in that bag?” She asked  excitedly before you could even say anything.

You reached into your satchel and pulled it out. Her hand came to her mouth as she gasped. “This is gorgeous! He gave me the bag  to give to you this morning at coffee and I’ve been dying to know what it was!” She handed it back to you. “He’s got it bad for you, ya know.”

You smiled sheepishly, “you think so?”

“Pfft, you should have seen him this morning! Sadie and Tilly were grillin’ him about you two getting back so late. I’ve never seen that man get so flustered. I’ve known him a long time and I ain’t never seen him like this before.”

The image of Arthur’s blushing cheeks in the moonlight and shaky breath came to the forefront of your mind and butterflies formed in your stomach. You looked around the camp, “where is he anyways?”

“Dutch took him out early this morning. John said they’ll be back soon.”

You smiled. “Good.”

You looked at each other when you heard Ms. Grimshaw cussing Karen. “I gotta get back to work. I’ll find you later when I’m done.” She waved as she turned away.

“See you.” You called as you turned away. You made your way to Arthur’s spot under the oak tree and pulled out your new journal. This spot had a perfect view of the camp and the lake behind it. No wonder Arthur spent so much time here, it was beautiful. You watched as Kieran and Lenny cared for the horses. You began drawing all the gang’s horse, starting with your own. With each new horse you drew, they slowly improved.

The last horse you drew was Silver Dollar. You flipped through the pages of different horses you had drawn, playing with different styles and angles.

The air was warm and the shade from the tree kept you comfortable. You closed your eyes and rested against the tree.

“Get yer hands off me Micah.” Abigail hissed.

You opened your eyes and turned towards the sound of her voice. Micah had Abigail cornered down alone down the small hill outside of camp where the extra supply wagon was. He had a hold of his wrist. “You’re fiesty, I like that.” He grabbed her waist. “I like you.”

You grabbed your journal and ran down the hill towards them. Micah dropped her hands as he saw you coming towards them. “Abigail!” You called. Out of his grasp, she ran to meet you. “I think John was lookin’ for ya.” You told her loudly as you eyed Micah. As she passed, she gave you a concerned look and you gave her a small nod.

“Well well, already tired of ol’ Morgan? I knew you’d come running eventually but not this soon.” Micah’s tone was sarcastic.

“I don’t know what yer talkin’ about.” You responded flatly as you approached him.

Micah moved closer. “I saw you two sneakin’ back into camp last night, all cozied up” He closed the distance between you and whispered in your ear. “I always knew you were a little whore.”

“Shut her goddamn mouth.” You spat. “I told you, next time you harassed them you’d be dead.”

Micah spoke low, his tone menacing. “And I told you I’d slit your throat in your sleep.” He paused and a smiled twisted on his lips. “But ya know, now that I know you and Arthur are so close now, I could just tie ya up one night.” He pulled his knife and ran it across your chin. “I’ll tie you up while you sleep, cut off your clothes, and I’ll let all the trash in Rhodes take their turns with you and when they’re done I’ll take my turn. when I’m done I’ll dump you at his feet like the used up trash you are.”

You leaned in close to his face. “Ya know Micah,” You whispered. “I can’t understand a goddamn word yer sayin’.” You quickly jabbed him in the stomach, causing him to drop his knife. You kicked it out of reach when he doubled over. You looked over him coldly. “I can’t understand ya over all the shit fallin’ out of yer mouth.”

He groaned in pain. “That was a mistake, cow Polk.”

You pulled your leg back and kicked him hard in the stomach while he was still doubled over in pain. “You’re the mistake, you piece of scum.”

You underestimated how fast he was as he grabbed your leg and jerked you towards him. You fell to the ground in front of him and he grabbed your face in one hand. “You’re out of your league girlie.” His fist crashed into your cheek.

You sneered at Micah, “that’s my advantage cowpolk.” He was knelt down on one knee, leaving himself stupidly open. Your fist came up straight into his crotch. “You’re not fighting a man and I could care less about fighting dirty.”

You stood quickly and stomped his back hard, forcing his body down onto the ground. As you raised your leg for a second stomp he rolled out of the way quickly and swept his leg under you, throwing you back to the ground. He kicked you in the ribs and you cried out in pain. “Damn you,” you growled as you crawled to your feet. You threw a punch but he dodged, and caught you right in the mouth. Blood drenched your chin and ran down your shirt.

“Hate to ruin that pretty little mouth” Micah mocked. “But I just can’t wait to see how Morgan will be when he sees what’s left of you when I get done.”

You looked down at your now ruined shirt, covered in your own blood. You were boiling with your own rage as you tackled him to the ground and began slamming your fist into his face. “This was a new shirt you son of a bitch!”

“Everything okay down there?” You looked up to see John and Abigail standing at the top of the hill.

Micah’s fist caught you square in the jaw while you were distracted and he pulled himself on top of you.

“Holy shit!” You heard John yell.

“I’m gonna kill you.” Micah growled as he wrapped his hands around your throat and began to strangle you. You clawed at his face, “we’ll we about that,” You croaked as your nails found his eyes and you dug in hard. You felt his grip loosen and Micah’s hands flew up to his eyes as he howled him pain. You shoved him down and looked down at him in pure hatred. “Going for the kill this quickly in a fight? I always knew you were a coward.” You brought a strong blow down onto his nose. Your vision was turning red in a blind rage. “I. Am. Going. To. Destroy. You.” Your fist collided with his face between each word.  Someone tried to pull you off and you jabbed your elbow up into them, determined to beat Micah’s skull into the ground until it was a pile of goo.

“Son of a bitch!” John shouted. “Abigail, go get Charles, I need some help.”

You barely heard him over the buzzing in your ears. Micah’s face was completely covered in blood. Your knuckles were split and bleeding but you couldn’t feel them over the adrenaline. Micah was now unconscious under you but you gave him your word, if he touched another woman in camp, you would put him six feet under and you intended to make good on your word.

Two pairs of hands now grabbed you and lifted you effortlessly off Micah. You kicked and fought, “Let go of me!” You hissed.

Charles kept a tight grip on your arm. “It’s done, Y/N.”

“You’ve beat him enough, it’s done. He’s out cold.” John urged.

“He was touchin’ Abigail!” You shouted back. Your vision was beginning to clear and you noticed the small crowd that had formed at the top of the hill.

“She told me, and we’ll make sure somethin’ is done about it this time. You just can’t kill him before Dutch gets back. You’ve got blood all over your face and hands, you may want to get yourself cleaned up.” He put a hand on your shoulder. “You did good.”

You nodded, before you turned to leave, you spit on Micah’s face. “I ain’t done with you.” You said angrily down at his unconscious body. 

Arthur tried to keep pace with Dutch, but he kept pulling ahead. He was anxious to see you, they were getting back later than intended which was no surprise to Arthur. “What’s got you in such a rush?” Dutch called to Arthur.

“Nothin’. Just ready to get home.” Arthur responded.

“Arthur, don’t take me for a fool. I hear the gossip just as much as you.” Dutch’s voice softened. “Where’d you take her?”

Arthur sighed. “We went to an art supplies store and had dinner in Saint Denis.”

“Well that’s splendid son! Good to see you finally makin’ yer move.” Dutch crossed in front of Arthur’s horse. “Since you’re in such a hurry to get back, how about an ol’ fashioned race back to camp?”

Arthur smiled, “You’re on, old man!”

The two took off and left clouds of dust in their wake. Arthur’s heart was pounding. He found himself longing for your touch, now he had a small taste he couldn’t get enough. The familiar tree line came into view, “yah!” He cried as he pushed his spurs into his horse. You were so close now, it was all he could think about. He didn’t even notice Dutch slip passed him until the last second. “Shit!”

Arthur charged into camp just behind Dutch. “You got lucky this time, old man.” He called as he dismounted his horse.

“Luck don’t got nothin’ to do with it, son.” Dutch teased as he hitched The Count. Arthur barely heard him as he made a beeline for your tent, but he stopped to investigate the small crowd around Micah’s tent. He grabbed Sean by the shoulder, “Whats goin’ on here?”

Sean grinned, “You and Dutch missed the fight of the century, ya did. Micah got the hell beat out of him.” 

He looked over Bill’s shoulder and saw Micah’s unconscious body, covered in dried blood and bruises. He raised his eyebrows. “Shit, I’d hate to see the other guy.”

Sean slapped Arthur’s back, “That’s the best part, he got himself handed to him a little girlie. It took two men to pull her offa him.”

“Aw hell,” Arthur knew right then and there you were responsible. He half ran to your tent. When he ducked him, you were sitting on your bed, wearing your chemise with your denim work pants. The chemise was clean but the pants were covered in dirt. You looked up from your book and smiled. “Welcome back.”

He frowned when he saw your face, no where near as badly beaten as Micah’s but your lip was busted and your cheeks were swollen. “What the hell happened?”

You laughed nervously. “I kinda...got into a fight with Micah.”

He sat beside you on your cot and eyed your face worriedly. “I heard. You gave him one hell of a beating.”

You smiled smugly, “I told you I could take him.”

He gently took your chin between his thumb and pointer finger and investigated your face. “You did, but look what he did to this pretty face.” His thumb gently brushed your broken lip and you flinched. “I ought to kill him for this.” His voice was stern. “What happened?”

“I-” Dutch burst into your tent.

“What the hell happened between you and Micah?” Dutch looked over you in shock, your wounds minimal compared to Micah’s.

You crossed your arms, “Jesus Dutch, what do you think happened? He was trying to touch Abigail again. Last time I caught him cornin’ Tilly I warned him I would kill him if he decided to touch us again. I intended to keep my word until John and Charles pulled me off.”

 “That doesn’t give you the right to beat the man close to death!” Dutch raised his voice.

 You stood, you could feel your anger rising again. “If would’ve done something about him sooner, this would never have happened! I’ve came to you time and time again about Micah harassin’ us and you never did shit. He threatened to rape me Dutch, what the hell did you expect me to do?”

Arthur looked from you to Dutch. “He what?” His voice heavy with anger.

Dutch huffed. “Fine, fine! You’re off the hook. But no more fighting in camp. You know the rules.” He turned and left. You rolled your eyes and floppped down beside Arthur. “‘YoU kNoW tHe RuLeS’” you repeated in a mocking voice. “One a these days I’m gonna ring his neck.”

Arthur just stared at you in disbelief. “How do you have more balls than all the men in camp combined?”

You laughed and laid your head in his lap. “I guess you boys just need to toughen up.” Your tone softened. “I never thanked you for the journal, by the way. I found it when I woke up this morning.”

He stoked your hair, “I’m glad you like it darlin’.”

His eyes fell on the blood splattered shirt on the ground. “Is that your new shirt?”

“Oh yeah, it may or may not have gotten ruined when Micah busted my lip. I’ll have to go to Saint Denis and get another if you’d like to join me?”

He smirked, “are you askin’ me on a second date?”

You grinned up at him. “Sure am.”

#arthur morgan #arthur morgan x reader #arthur x reader #Red Dead Redemption 2 #rdr2 #van der linde gang #fan fiction #reader insert #fluff

[thatrowdyboi]

instructions: tag ten people you’d like to know better

I was tagged by @timekeeper42

name: Kenny

starsign: Pisces but astrology is bullshit or at the very least my sun sign is thrown off by my Aries rising

hogwarts house: slytherin af

height: 5′6″

favorite animal: Snakes or crocodiles or alligators, I just really like big reptiles okay

dogs or cats: por que no los dos?

when you made your blog: I’ve been on tumblr for ages, like 2009 but this is my anime side blog and I only made it like maybe a year ago

why you made your blog: because your twenties is about rediscovering your embarrassing hobbies from your childhood and realizing YOU WERE RIGHT! So I made a blog to collect anime memes simply cause they make me happy

reason for your url: so gender is a scam created by bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms but sometime my roommate calls me a rowdie boi and I like it also I like rowdie boys so...yeah

what i am wearing: My Killer Klowns from Outer Space tank top and some shorts cause it’s hot as shit in my house right now 

dream vacation: I just wanna go to a beach, I love the beach and I just wanna be in the ocean. I’d love to visit Australia though and go shark diving and visit the aquarium where you can go diving in a glass tube within the crocodile enclosure

instruments: I can’t play any instruments because I don’t have the patience to learn but I do like to sing and I think I’m pretty decent at least

celebrity crushes: idk man I don’t have celebrity crushes so much as I have character crushes. Like I’ll see a celeb portray a character and be like yo that’s hot but then see them as themselves and just be like eh. That being said I’d maybe say Rob McElhenney and 90s Neve Campbell. 

random facts:

what’s your job: I do data entry and research for a vintage clothing company

if you could go back to school would you: If it was free? Yeah. Learning is fun but I’m done paying for it, thanks

a job you had that would surprise people: I have not had a lot of paying jobs over the years but I did have a volunteer gig working as the music teacher for a Bible School for several years and people don’t usually expect that from me

do you think aliens are real: I highly doubt the chances that there’s no other living thing in this universe

what’s your guilty pleasure: Guilty pleasures imply guilt and I 100% enjoy things unironically cause who gives a fuck

tattoos: I got three neo-traditional pieces on my thigh/hip area but I should have four. I literally had an appointment booked right before we got quarantined

any phobias: not big on heights and I have a weird thing about latex masks that probably spawns from watching the Haunted Mask Goosebumps episode when I was a kid

do you talk to yourself: yep

what movie do you adore: My favorite movie is Re-Animator. It’s the movie I tell people to watch if they wanna understand me better. One of my three tattoos is based around that movie

the first thing that you remember you wanted to be when you grew up: I wanted to be an illustrator ever since I learned what an illustrator was when I was seven

And I'm gonna tag @temporalesca @peachmilkcarton @hippocratessocrates @bakugous-bad-attitude @legendsscatter @imquirkyokay and anyone else who would like to

#not anime but I was very flattered to be tagged by one of my followers #also I love talking about my self so win/win #didn't know who to tag tho so

[afterspark-podcast]

Transformers (2007): Transcript

Episode Show Notes

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Stinger]

O: And now I'm just imagining him showing up at this little old grandma's house, ripping up the house and being like, “HOW DARE YOU!?!”

[Intro Music]

S: Welcome... to hell!

O: It’s time.  It’s time for the Bay movies guys.

S: [sharp intake of breath] Welcome to our first anniversary special with the 2007 Transformers film!

O: Shall we talk about giant robots? [dissolves into laughter]

S: Yeah.  Let's talk about giant robots, though we may be very unhappy by the end of this.

O: So first, an info dump, for what is most likely a refresher for the majority of you folks but a- the live-action Transformers movie was directed by [deadpan] Michael Bay and uh, starring Shia LaBeouf.

S: The movie did incredibly well at the box office and introduced a lot of people to the franchise and um, these people may have been unaware of it [the Transformers franchise] before or hadn't seen a prior but it was an introduction at least for most.

O: Which is probably the most positive thing that we can say about this movie.  The movie franchise is likely the main reason we got the Transformers Prime TV series and even brought more readers to the first IDW comic run.  Which maybe wasn't super great at the time the movie came out, but got way better! [laughs]

S: Yeah, I mean, IDW also had comics based on the movie, in addition to the main IDW G1-

O: And I haven’t read those yet, but yeah.

S: I don't think we've made our disdain for this movie a secret but just in case, neither of us enjoy this movie.

O: Like, at all.

S: So if you personally like this movie this episode may not be for you.  Um, we're sorry guys.

O: [laughs] We are, actually, because I- I know there are people out there who like it.  We're not those people, but we will be back for a normal G1 schtick later, so uh, please join us then.

S: That isn't to say that there hasn't been excellent fanfiction based off of this.

O: Eh, fanfiction, fanart-

S: Um-hm.

O: Oh my god, there- there was this one I saw the other day where somebody did like, a Transformers Animated of ah, Last Knight Megatron-

S: Oh!

O: -and I was like, “I legitimately like that!  Good job, you!”

S: There’s some excellent fan work based on these movies.

O: Yeah, like, just hands down, but um...  Well, down to brass tacks Specs, what was your first experience with this movie like?

S: Hmm, ah, well let's go back in time, shall we?

O: [makes woo noises]

S: So I didn't see it in theaters.  Ah, my first experience with this movie was getting it for my birthday... yay.

B: [laughter]

O: Yay.

S: I watched it and um, and was like, “Okay... that was a thing.  It exists, um, Bumblebee peed on a guy.” And I watched this with my parents, I'll have you know!

O: And it- it's way funnier when you know her parents, who are extremely Catholic and her mother who is extremely Irish Catholic and imagining them watching this movie with her is hysterical .

S: My mom doesn't like sci-fi to begin with-

O: Yeah, right!  And then, all of this was happening!

S: Yeah, my- my dad probably enjoyed it more because he likes explosions and stuff.

O: [laughs] He's a nice guy but he is- he- he, he's a simple man.  He has simple criteria for the things he enjoys and I can respect that.

S: He actually really likes Terry Pratchett but let’s-

O: Oh, yes.

S: -let's get back to this.  Uh, I don't think I uh, rewatched it for a while because uh, high school was happening and I had better things to be doing.  You know, like reading fanfic or doing homework. Homework was more enjoyable than this.

O: [laughs]

S: [sighs] So I found the movie mostly just disappointing.  While it did breathe new life into the fandom it seemed like most of the pre-existing fans that I- you know, knew or followed or was aware of, were disappointed by the designs and the story on like- specifically on the forum that I was frequenting at the time.  Other people loved it and I mean, it did create a new influx of fans, so... that's a positive thing.

I was also super annoyed by the lack of Arcee because there was a decent toy of her and I own it.  It's the only Bayverse toy I own, and then they had Arcee and two other characters that shared the same mold show up in the second movie and then die.

O: And- and these were not the same mold as the toy she [Specs] owns.

S:  Yes.

O: To make this even weirder, like, Arcee did have a design apparently [in the first movie].

S: Yes, she was a nice motorcycle.  She had legs in the first- for the first movie toy and then… then she was a unicycle thing-

O: Mm-hmm.

S: -in the second movie and then they all died.  And I don't own any other toys from ah- from the Bayverse franchise, so let's go over to you.

O: Eh-heh-heh-ha!  So, to my memory I first saw this in high school.  I want to say it may have actually been something they showed at school?  [My SO seems to remember the same thing, so this was probably the case. ~O]

And in direct contrast to Specs, I went to public school in a rural area, no one gave a shit, so...  I- I saw the second one in theaters, but I legitimately do not remember where I saw the first one. Uh, for the record, I thought it was fine!  I had zero reference, beyond a foggy memory of Beast Machines- not even Beast Wars guys, Beast Machines.  And hadn't seen G1 at all.  I very vaguely knew who Optimus Prime was and pretty much nobody else.

No, it would take over a decade before this film franchise filled me with seething rage.

S: And you didn't even get into the fandom, when I tried interesting you in it.  You got into it by yourself!

O: [laughs] I know!  She tried! She tried in college! [laughs] Which is why, I was like, “Hey, I want to watch Beast Wars!” It was like, not looking where I was going and walking off a cliff!  [laughs]

S: Pretty much, and then I just threw TV shows at you.

O: She just like, thew DVD’s down the cliff at me! [continues laughing]

S: And comics.

O: Which I mean...I didn’t really mind...but I love that description so much.

S: [laughs]

O: But, uh, all of this aside, I will be saying my media recommendation for the day here, instead of at the end.  I strongly recommend watching Lindsey Ellis’, “The Whole Plate.” Which is a series about film studies through the lens of Transformers.  Not only is excellent breaking these movies down in the context of film, and film theory, but it's informative and done by someone else who clearly loves Transformers.

Pretty sure her favorite is Starscream, but I also think I saw a Wheeljack in the background of one of her videos, but do not quote me on that.  Uh, it is at least partially due to Lindsey I started watching G1. Uh, the other YouTube culprit I'll likely recommend in a different video, heh, but needless to say she certainly didn't hurt.  I'd been watching her, “Whole Plate,” series since 2017 so... over a year before I made that so fateful decision to borrow Beast Wars.

This recommendation also comes caveat: Because I've watched her videos, I know I've been heavily influenced by them and... it is likely I will talk about some of the same points that she's made... while we're going through this movie.  So just, if- eh, this is me so this is me, um, cite--this is me giving you my citation for ah, my work, essentially.

Go watch Lindsey Ellis’ videos, they're fantastic.

S: And I suppose to counterpoint, I haven't seen any of her videos.  So anything that I talk about that ends up accidentally being something that comes up in here is an accident.

O: The only- I think I showed you the- the Megan Fox video.

S: You might have, but at this point it's been so long ago that-

O: [quietly]  That’s true..

S: -that I probably don't remember, or almost certainly don’t.

O: Fair!  Anyway, definitely go- go, uh, watch her, because she's interesting.  I-I feel like there’s- I’ve seen posts that like, seem like at least some people don't like her.  So, I don't know what's going on there and I don't really want to find out. So if it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing and that's fine.    Well! Ready for the movie?

S: Say it isn't so, but yes, yes I am.

O: [laughs] Here we go!

S: [sighs]  We open with some opening narration by Optimus Prime played by Peter Cullen of the da--

O: -of Optimus Prime? [laughs]

S: Well, I was gonna say, “of the days of old.”

O: [laughs louder]  Okay, fair! And I don't- I don’t care if he mostly in a cartoon voice over work, he is too good for this fucking movie!

S: He is.  He gives us the backstory for Cybertron and the Autobot/Decepticon war and I think, you see someone spearing someone else with something in this…

O: It wouldn’t shock me.  Something called the AllSpark is super important and they send it off planet to keep the Decepticons from getting it.

S: The Autobots couldn’t keep track of it either.  They did not think this through.

O: Of course, it landed on an unknown planet, Eii-arth!

S: [snickers] Megatron apparently followed the AllSpark but pulled a Skyfire and got frozen in the Arctic, where he was found by a team of explorers led by Captain Archibald Witwicky.  Doesn't that just sound like a manly man.

O: [laughing]  He is!

S: The part of Skyfire will be played by Megatron in this movie.

O: Make sure to properly chill your Decepticon warlord for at least a couple of decades before serving.

S: Don't you mean a couple thousand years?

O: Shush!

B: [laugh]

S: Meanwhile, Skyfire’s sir not appearing in this picture.

O: Also, don't be fooled by the opening guys!  Sure, Optimus may be talking now but it won't last.  It'll be like, what? An hour before we get any more giant robots talking?

S: Probably.  We cut to the Middle East in the um, ‘present’ day.

O: Well, present day ten years ago anyway.

S: It's soldiers doing transportation stuff on a military base... and a guy wants to eat alligators.

O: Fuck yeah, America- am I right!?!

S: It’s cuisine.  The military partially funded these movies if anybody was unaware this really helps explain their presence in the movie series.

O: That and Bay's HUGE fuckin’ boner for ‘em.

S: The soldiers here are some of the better characters in the movie.  They're funny, they work well off each other, and you know, [gasp] feel like they’re friends.

O: What a concept.  An unknown helicopter lands at the base, transforming into a giant robot and starting to destroy said base.

S: The Decepticons apparently want US military codes or they're trying to find the AllSpark location, or something.

O: I can't help but think of Soundwave was here this would have been done so much more competently.  Even Soundwave- even movie Soundwave is still competent.

S: Oh, probably.  Uh, the Decepticon is Blackout by the way, who- I'm not sure we ever see or hear him talk?

O:  Yeah, like, we might hear him talk in Cybertronian at the very end of the movie like, when it's like, doing the all the Decepticons gettin’ ready.

S: Hmm.

O: Um…

S: Maybe.

O: He never really is a character, um, but I hope you're ready for shaky cam video of this robot and not getting a good look at him!

S: Oh!  Flying tanks, how novel.

O: [laughs] They fail to fight off the Decepticon and a small group of soldiers manages to escape the base, but not without being followed by Scorpinok.

S: Who is released by, um, Blackout cuz apparently he's his pet or something-

O: Something like that.  The only thing you need to remember about this is that the main soldier is Lennox, and he is leading the group.  The other characters have names. I had to look them up.

S: Yeah, they aren’t very big characters, unfortunately.  It would have been more entertaining if-

B: -they were.

S: [sighs] And then suddenly we're at a high school.

O: Following a teenage boy who's gonna try to hawk his great-great-great-something-grandfather’s shit in the middle of class.

S: [sighs] Why is he hawking shit?  Because he wants to seduce the hottie by getting a car, either that, or that is merely a side effect of getting a car that he hopes will happen.

O: Mikaela is way too good for him.

S: She is.

O: He blabs on about how his something-grandfather, Captain Archibald Witwicky was the first man to explore the Arctic.

S: Never mind that there were already people living there.

O: He was the first white idiot to make it up there and not die?

S: Possibly.

O: [laughs]

S: We're introduced to the glasses of plot here.  They're not particularly relevant right now, but they will be later!

O:  Notice those weird etchings on the lenses?  That's- that's a thing!

S: Keep these in mind.  Put a pin in it. But right now, Sam is talking about selling his stuff on eBay.

O: ~ Ladies~ he takes Paypal. [laughs]

S: The bell rings and the rest of the class leaves as Sam talks to his teacher.  Proceeding to be a total freaking dumb ass by guilting his teacher into giving him a better grade than he deserved, because otherwise his dad won't help him buy a car.

O: And remember, this is supposed to be the character we’re identifying with.  Thanks! I hate it.

S: [sighs] You know, and after meeting Sam's dad, his behavior makes a lot more sense.  Clearly he gets dickish behavior from said dad.

O: His dad drives him through a Porsche dealer to make him think he's buying Sam a Porsche, which just kind of seems like a dick move.  They proceed to show up at a used-car lot with, uh, Sam spying a mysterious Camaro, which is Bee in this.

S: Like, Bumblebee was actually following them into the car lot which is kind of funny-

O: Yeah, but- but they didn't really see him until he parked in the car lot.

S: Yeah, I guess uh, they had to make him cooler for the 2000’s.

O: You know, I always liked the little Volkswagon bugs when I was in high school around this timeframe.  I still do, they're adorable!

S: They're cute.  Unfortunately, they're not sexy enough for a teenage boy in the mid-2000s.

O: [sighs] No, but they were sexy enough for a teenage boy in the 80’s.

S: [laughs] Yes, but that was when he knew it was his- it was friend shaped.

O: [laughs] Oh-

S: Bumblebee is-

O: G1 Bumblebee is so friend shaped.

S: He is.  He's friend shaped to everyone except Megatron, really.  Well, all of the Decpti-

O: No, he’s friend shaped to Megatron in the comics too!

S: Oh god, well, are we talking IDW comic or the original?

O: I was talking about the- I was talking about the- the plot in IDW, yeah. [laughs] Mostly I just thought was funny because his design is very, very similar in that toG1-

S: Yeah-

O: And I was like, yeah that’s pretty funny though.

S: Yeah, you're right he was very friend shaped in that.

O: He is friend shaped to everybody.

S: But in the Marvel Comics he's not friend shaped to the Decepticons.

O: Oh no, nobody's friend shaped in the Marvel comic. [laughs]  Are you kidding me?

S: Ah, ah, Bee’s been following this kid around for a while and the car salesman clearly has never seen this damn car in his life, but he's still gonna try and sell it.

O: I-I mean given that it is his car lot, I can’t- I’m not sure I can fault him on this decision really? [laughs]

S: Well, it’s not honest.

O: [laughs] No.

S: And he's like, “I'm honest- whatever.”  I think he has, “honesty,” actually on a sign somewhere.

O: [continues to laugh]

S: I don't know, it's not- it doesn't really matter.  And, um, there's also an ostrich here. Why is there an ostrich!?!

O: I think he has a petting zoo or something, I don’t know.

S: He is down to make that dough.

O: Very.

S: Bee also comes with racing stripes.

O: We all know that makes him go faster, Specs!

S: [snorts]

O: [laughs]

S: Amongst other things, Bee contains a bee air freshener, that says “BEE-OTCH,” a small disco ball, and a weird lion bobblehead, that I thought was a small taxidermied animal at first.

O: [laughs] And we didn’t even see it till our second walk- er, watch through either!  Just to make this more ridiculous!

S: Yeah, it vanishes so I gather Spike didn’t- oh god, not Spike-

O: No, this isn’t Spike, it would probably be better if it was!

S: Yeah.  Sam didn't think it was too hot either.

O: Yeah, but uh, this whole bit, just feels creepy.  Sam's gonna buy Bumblebee, a living, thinking, being, whose intelligence definitely surpasses his own.

S: And let's compare this to Charlie from the Bumblebee movie, who's trying to rebuild a car by herself with no support from her family and then there's Sam.  And I mean, okay, yeah, she does get Bumblebee, basically- basically in a transaction. She does kind of buy him, but when she realizes that he's a person, she treats him like a person.

O: Exactly, and Sam is just this entitled little rich kid living in a nice house and has everything handed to him in Southern California!   I don't know what his parents do, but clearly they make good fucking money!

S: I don't know what they do.

O: Me either!

S: Bee is even parked next to a VW Bug, an old one.  Which he will then proceed to wreck.

O: I feel like this is the start to Michael Bay being like why do you like, “Why do you like that nerdy shit?  Come look at boobs, tits, and nice cars. These are the only things that are really important.” This will be the hill I die on.

S: [sighs] I don’t understand Michael Bay.

O: If you didn’t like this, why did you do it!?!  I know the answer is money.

S: Money is-

O: But you can at least do it enjoyably!

S: Yeah, well, money is the root of a lot of... stuff.  Speaking of, Bee is... very much a dick here. He destroys this guy's entire lot of cars, or at least all their windows.  Because he emits a supersonic noise and you know, busts all the windows in an effort to get Sam to buy him or get the guy to sell him to Sam-

O: For a cheaper price, basically.

S: Yeah.

O: Cutting to the Pentagon, the Secretary of Defense is briefing a team of technicians who will be attempting to decode the Decepticon signal they got from Blackout earlier. (Kind of.)

S: One of them is a very intelligent young woman named Maggie.

O: Who will proceed to be shot like another piece of tits and ass, like all the pretty woman in this movie.  Oh, and if you're not young and pretty in this movie series you're basically just a harpy.

S: [sighs] And after this movie we will never see her again.  Which might imply that she has more longevity than Sam.

O: Smart girl.  At Sam’s house, we’re introduced to his mom, his dog, and some casual sexism.

S: We're not allowed to put girl jewelry on a male dog in this house, are we?

O: Of course not!  What would the men think?  That jewelry is awesome and they're totally allowed to wear it.  Yeah, actually let's do that- that sounds way better.

S: [sighs] But don't worry if you think Mojo [Sam’s dog] is emasculated or something.  Later movies will have him humping absolutely everything.

O: Yeah, because that's what I want to watch in a movie about giant alien robots!

S: Admittedly, these movies aren't particularly about giant alien robots.  They’re-

O: No, they're like- about Sam's love life and explosions [snickers].

S: Or whatever the human lead’s love life.

O: [quietly] True.

S: That's- that’s typically how it runs. [sighs] Back to the army guys again.  They're still attempting to escape Scorponok. Except they don't know that Scorponok’s following them.

O: No, but they're like, trying to get away from the base.

S: They're trying to get somewhere where they can contact help, I think? So they're making their way through the desert, with this young kid that showed up at the very beginning of the movie and was like, “Hi!  You're my friends, I'm bringing you something.” And he escaped with them.

O: Yup.  They decide they need to get their intel back to Pentagon as soon as possible.

S: And in our other movie, Sam's friend is a moron, and Mikaela's boyfriend is a dick, just a beefier dick than Sam.

O: So infuriating, this should be relatable.  I was the weirdo in high school! But no, I still just want to strangle Sam with my bare hands.

S: And- well, honestly, Miles (Sam's friend) isn't really a moron.  He's just acting like an actual teenage boy.

O: [laughs]

S: [huffs] He's climbing trees and entering cars through the window and then in the next scene when we see that, the door is open?  So he like, dived through the door?

O: Continuity.  Continuity is not a thing, Specs.

B: [laugh]

S: [sighs] Sam proceeds to bait Mikaela's jock boyfriend to satisfy his own ego, but just barely manages to avoid a knuckle sandwich.

O: UNFORTUNATELY.  Said boyfriend then proceeds to treat Mikaela like property.

S: He won't even let her ride in the front seat of his truck.  She knows significantly more about trucks than you do, you asshole!  She could probably-

O: Oh, she could run circles around this asshole.

S: Well no, I was thinking she could probably you know, set something up so that his truck killed him.

O: Ah-ha-ha, there we go!  That's the movie- that's the movie Mikaela should have been in.

S: Well, I mean, Megan Fox- she is apparently good in Jennifer's Body.  Sam boots his friend out of Bumblebee so that he can offer... Mikaela a ride home.

O: It’s shitty to strand your friend like this, dude.

S: It's especially shitty, because the car has backseat.

O: And he couldn't shove his friend back there.

S: [quietly] Yeah.

O: Mikaela reluctantly accepts and Bee has decided to become Sam's wingman, apparently.

S: I'm assuming he knows what teenagers do in cars, but really, does he actually understand what teenagers do in cars!?!

O: [while laughing] Um, I'm-I’m not sure to be honest.

S: Well, considering they apparently learned English from the internet.

O: Yeah, you’d think there’d be some porn thrown in there.

S: I’d assume so.  Um, he breaks down causing Mikaela to open his hood and check the engine.

O: And what kills me, is that she's saying relevant things throughout the scene but the way she's shot, she's not treated like a person, she's treated like a-a-an object to be viewed essentially, and it is very frustrating. I know we could assume that it's from Sam's perspective, but boy does this get old.

S: It gets really old.  Sam asks her about why she hangs out with her boyfriend.  Of course, he phrases it like, strongly hinting that she should hang out with him instead.  And Mikaela can totally tell that he's doing that so she's like, “I'm out,” and starts walking off.

O: But Bee suddenly starts working again so Sam's able to convince her to at least let him finish driving her home.

S: She'd have probably had a better time walking home, let's be real.

O: Probably.

S: Except she might have had really uncomfy shoes...

O: Eh, except like, it was sunset, and it was night by the time they got home.  So I have to ask, how far out of town were they?

S: That's a good point.  Um, and then we get Sam saying uh, [sighs] that, “There's more than meets the eye,” about the Mikaela.

O: Why does this just feel like another slap in the face of the original series?

S: Probably because it is, and on to Air Force One.  Frenzy, who's apparently someone's carry on here, because he's a boombox in this and was actually under someone's seat.

O: Or!  You could choose to imagine him walking onto the onto the plane himself.  Just thing about this little radio, who’s got teeny tiny little legs, and walks on the plane.  It's way funnier!  Also, did he steal Soundwave’s alt!?!

S: That is a fun thing, but yeah.  Hello president who is obviously Bush!  Whose face we don't see, but unfortunately we get to see his besoc- besocked feet.

O: He wants a ding dong.

S: [sighs]

O: Betcha do!  Uh, Frenzy attempts to get data from the military database by way of Air Force One, but he’s caught while doing this, and so the Secret Service shoots at him.

S: The Secret Service apparently didn't get the 4-1-1 on what you don't do on a plane.  You don't shoot shit on a plane. You really don't wanna do that. It just leads for a bad time, for everyone, very briefly.

O: [laughing] Yup!  Very short lives!

S: Either that, or they're lucky and they manage to make a safe landing but... you don't want-

O: Do you really- do you really want to risk that?  No.

S: No, you don't want catastrophic decompression on a plane.

O: No you don’t.

S: I mean, who knows, maybe Air Force One is better... built?  Once they uh, basically, they end up taking the plane down, uh, in an emergency landing, because shots fired or whatever.  Then once they bring the plane down, Frenzy is able to sneak off the plane through the a- he goes down like, the doors that the wheels go out and then it's just funny.

O: It is.

S: Yeah, he goes over to Barricade after that.

O: Barricade’s a police car.  He will be more relevant later, but uh- you have any doubts that this little thing was Frenzy, you just need to see that little walk off the plane and you will know.

S: Cuz he- he's got like, his hand up to hide his face.

O: Yeah, like he’s- he’s like, trying to be nonchalant.  Like, after they thought he was trying to kill the president it is delightful.

S: Mm-hmm and Frenzy is smarter than the- the Secret Service on this plane because he had like, shurikens.

O: Yeah!  Once he's in Barricade he pulls up the eBay listings for Sam's Grandpa's glasses and says, “We must find LadiesMan217!”

S: Why did he pick that username?

O: I don't know, but I legitimately find it hilarious every time a Cybertronian has to shout it in this movie.  I know he said it in like, Cybertronian there, it is still great.

S: Oh Sam’s ego, but yeah, it is really funny anytime a robot shouts that.  At Sam's house, Bee apparently has got places to be. So he just, you know, turns on his own ignition and then drives off by himself.

O: This awakens Sam, who then goes chasing after his own car on his bike.

S: And call- he calls the police.  Sam calls the police to report that his car is being stolen.  Going so far as to remind them that his dad is the head of the neighborhood watch.

O: Well, if you needed a another reminder that Sam is a rich white boy, there you go.

S: [sighs] Yeah…

O: Sam finally catches up with Bee, who's standing some distance away beaming the bat signal- I mean the Autobot signal some kind of signal-er, some kind of signal into space.

S: Sam starts recording all of this on his shitty flip phone, and thinking that he's going to die the first words out of his mouth are, “Porn’s not mine, it's Miles’!”

O: Oh yes, that's the last image I'd want to leave my own mother with. Talking about your erections, lovely.

S: Considering one of the conversations that happens later…

O: It may be were relevant than I want to imagine, yeah.  Mm-hmm. Moving on!

S: Yeah.  Sam is then chased by some good doggos, who managed to get free of their uh, basically they weren’t very well contained.

O: Yep.

S: But the poor puppies are denied their midnight snack as Bumblebee bursts in and save[s] him and you don't really see the dogs go away.  They just start aren’t there anymore.

O: [laughs] And despite thinking his car’s alive, he shouts something that they, “Can keep the car!” and chunks his keys at Bee.

S: I don't even know what the building they're in even is, cuz he goes into a building and then suddenly it seems like they're not in a building anymore and it's... what's going on?

O: Yeah… Um, Sam's arrested when the cops show up for making a false 9-1-1 call because his car is obviously right there.

S: Yep, and it's not like there was any evidence of other people around.

O: There weren’t.

S: At the Pentagon with some assholes, including the Secretary of Defense and our- Maggie, our pretty lady analyst.  Maggie proceeds to sneak into a very high up meeting basically to say, “The system is alive!”

O: Which is completely insane in any other context, except this movie, where she is technically right, but it still sounds like a pretty insane context-

S: Yeah.

O: Er, sane- sounds like pretty insane an idea.

S: She kind of gets kicked out... of the meeting.

O: Yeah.

S: But she's right, and she will be vindicated later.  And, um, I hate the color balancing in this movie everything is so orange and blue.  It looks like everyone's skin tone is basically, you know, orange and like, they all have really bad spray tans?  Or at least all the white people do. None of the black people in this movie really have to deal with looking like an orange.

O: They may still have orange light on them, but it's not quite the same way.

S: Yeah, and now it's police time.

O: Where we've made Sam do a pee test, and then they hold up a bottle that says, “Mojo,” on it and they're interrogating him about it.  Mojo, as previously stated... is his dog and it is very likely that the bottle would say, “canine,” on it because that's how it worked when I had to pick up medication for my cat from the pharmacy. [Well, the cat’s was labelled ‘feline,’ but you know what we mean.]  So they're just being assholes.

S: And I mean, that looks like a legit prescription bottle.

O: Yeah.

S: So, I don't think most people keep their illegal drugs in legit prescription bottles.

O: [laughs] Fair, fair.

S: I mean, I have no personal experience but… [sighs]  And back to the Middle East with the soldier boys.

O: Scorponok attempts subtlety, only narrowly missing killing Lennox.

S: He does however succeed in killing the oblivious glasses guy, or maybe he doesn't kill him, maybe just badly injures him?  I don’t know.

O: I’m pretty sure he's dead because we don't see him for the rest of the movie.  If I'm wrong I apologize.

S: Okay, that's a good point.  The soldiers all book it and take shelter in and around these bombed out buildings.  Which is apparently the young boy's village. [sighs] They have brought hell down upon this small village and this will never be addressed.

O: The dad of the kid that's been helping them seems awfully nice, considering they have brought a giant mechanical scorpion to the front door.

S: Yup, that poor man does not deserve any of this shit.

O: Nope!

S: And here's one of the few legitimately funny scenes in this movie.

O: Lennox, has to call the Pentagon.  Which involves Lennox having to go back and forth with the most bored guy in a call center ever, but he also needs a credit card because it's a long-distance call.  A really long distance call.

S: He's able to get that credit card from Epps, one of the soldiers in his squad.

O: And this is all happening, while they're in the middle of a firefight.  So they're having to yell to be heard and stuff. Epps is also shooting at Scorponok, so Lennox has to grab the wallet off of Epps.

S: And so their conversation on how to navigate this is effectively a something like.  “It's in my back pocket!” “Which one!?!” “Left cheek! Left cheek! Left cheek!” All while firing at Scorponok.  And apparently he's like- eh, Lennox is like, “You have like fifteen pockets!”

O: [laughs]  Which I feel like is legitimately funny!  And I just kind of wish I just didn’t have to like, be concerned, is this racism- with the call center guy looking and sounding Indian and I don't know, because that seems like something Michael Bay would do.

S: Yeah… yeah.  Jets and other military things have apparently been quickly scrambled and show up.

O: Including a military drone, just like what Soundwave turns into in Prime, so I was chuckling.

S: Explosions happen, and miraculously they don't appear to hit any civilians, somehow.  And then there's more shooting and more explosions-

O: And I get very bored.

S: And they're able to shoot off a part of Scorponok's tail, while the rest of Scorponok conveniently gets away.

O: They definitely thought this is important.  The music swells, things are happening in slow motion… you should be paying attention to this.

S: Basically, uh, the military guys get rescued and presumably no one does anything to help repair the damage that…

O: They've done to this village.

S: Yeah, we never hear about the young child again.

O: Nope!

S: [sighs] And back in America, Maggie has stolen intel from the Pentagon and uh, shows up on her friend Glen's doorstep.  And she- she hides it in her makeup case.

O: Which is pretty clever.  Also, he's apparently a master hacker!

S: Yup.  He pulls out some bullshit program that basically auh, you know, pulls, “It's alive!” from the Decepticon audio data Maggie brought over.

O: Which is about the point the feds show up with the SWAT team and arrest them both.

S: Yeah.  Bee shows a back up at Sam's house presumably just to fuck with Sam which at this point really does seem like a Bee thing to do in this movie.

O: Yeah… Bee’s kind of a dick.

S: Sam escapes on his mom’s bike.

O: Why does his mom have a bike that looks like it belongs to a five-year-old!?!  I mean, like- look, I'm not saying don't do you, cuz do you, but- but- but… his mom confuses me.

S: Apparently, she's just a very girly girl who... has a basket that needs to have a pillow in it.  Maybe she takes Mojo for bike rides?

O: I would believe that.

S: I could see her doing that considering that she does put jewelry on him.  She makes him a handsome boy.

O: She does.

S: [sighs] Oh god, so now Sam is running away from his own car, like a crazy person and then uh, runs into Mikaela who's out apparently having lunch.

O: A day, yeah.

S: Well, lunch with her friends.

O: Yeah!

S: She has normal friends, and Sam proceeds to look like a crazy person.

O: He thinks his car is chasing him.  The fact that he's right doesn't really play into how this looks right now.

S: Cuz yeah, he's- he's riding a very pink bike that--

O: Saying his car is chasing him.

S: Yeah.  Bee was definitely driving on the sidewalk, and probably on people's lawns for parts of this.

O: It was funny  Mikaela hops on her scooter because clearly she's like, “I guess I go- I guess I better go help this dumbass.”

S: Mikaela was just a very nice, responsible person.  She's- she's kind.

O: Yeah, she’s not the- like yeah, you don't really see her being mean.

S: She-

O: Even to Sam, even when Sam is being kind of a jerk earlier she's never outright mean to him.  She's done, very done, but you never really see her being mean to him with- unless he kind of deserved it like later.

S: Mikaela is a very kind person and unfortunately she doesn't- her character just doesn't get the recognition that she deserves.

O: No, she doesn’t.

S: [sighs]

O: Barricade catches up with Sam.

S: The police slogan on the side of his police car says- or his police car alt mode says. “To punish and enslave”.

O; What about being undercover, dude?

S: Well, be honest most people don't really pay much attention.

O: [quietly] True.

S: He dicks with Sam for a bit before transforming into robot mode and yelling, “Are you LadiesMan217!?!”

O: Really quickly, and it's amazing.  Sam runs away and knocks Mikaela off her scooter.

S: Sam, you dumbass, you could have really fucking hurt her, you jack ass.

O: Pretty much. [singing] ~Here Bee comes to save the dayyyyyy!~

S: Sam proceeds to pull a, “Come with me if you want to live,” to Mikaela, which... At this point, considering that he has now uh, conflated her with himself to the Decepticons probably- is probably true, yeah.

O: Fair.  They have a high-speed chase, somewhere in Southern California.

S: Bee gets them somewhere relatively isolated before dumping the two of them out and transforming to fight with Barricade and... is this still the middle of the day?  I- no this is at night, it’s night now.

O: It keeps kind of swapping, it's weird.  And then Frenzy hop-

S: How long where they… ?

O: I don't know how long this was going on, because it was like- it looked like it was mid-afternoon and they don't get dumped out till night, like the sun has set, night.

S: Like, jeez.

O: I don't know, heh, but Frenzy hops out of Barricade and attacks Sam and Mikaela.

S: [sighs] Sam manages to lose his goddamn pants in this altercation.

O: Of course he does.  Mikaela, being the badass that she is, grabs a fucking power tool and attacks Frenzy with it.  Cutting him into pieces!

S: Mikaela kicks ass, and she would have been a far better protagonist.  My heart weeps that this wasn't actually the reality.

O: Eh, that's okay they kind of did it in the Bumblebee movie.

S: Yeah.  Sam shows his bravery by... bravely kicking Frenzy’s head away.

O: Frenzy, using a second set of legs coming from his head... walks over to Mikaela’s purse, because she dropped it earlier, and then disguises himself as her cellphone.

S: After stabbing her, you know, her real cellphone.  Presumably to get data from it or something?

O: I would assume?  Yeah.

S: Otherwise it's gonna be a very bad disguise.  She opens it and is like, “Where are all my god damn contacts?”

B: [laugh]

O: Yeah, fair.

S: And then there's some crack about Bee being Japanese, once Sam finally gets his actual introduction to his, you know, ‘not a car’.

O: This should be a tongue-in-cheek reference to the original toys being created by the Japanese company Takara, but given Bay’s track record, I really have to wonder.  I know I keep bringing that up, but like, parts of this movie feel very uncomfortable to watch-

S: [quietly] Yeah.

O: -and certain racial stereotyping that he does not only in this movie, but even worse, honestly, in the sequels... just makes me feel really uncomfortable.

S: [quietly] Yeah. [normal volume]  They ride off in Bee, both Sam and Mikaela and not wanting to sit in the driver's seat because Bee is driving and... that wouldn't be polite somehow.

O: I'm not even going to comment on what I'm actually thinking.  Sam tries to pull off a slick move, telling Mikaela she should sit in his lap because there's only one other seat belt.

S: That's bad, if you're in an accident you're both gonna die.  Though, I mean, considering they’re both in a giant alien robot…

O: I mean their driver is a sentient alien robot, who's used to being a car, so hopefully that doesn't happen, right?

S: Mostly I'm just imagining that a giant alien robot car isn't going to have the same sort of, you know, safety tests-

O: Oh, safety precautions!?!  Ha! [laughs]

S: [trying not to laugh] Safety test results that an actual car-

O: [continues laughing]  That’s fair!

S: So who the hell knows how this would work!  Bee takes offense at being called a ‘piece-of-shit Camaro’.

O: Leading to him dumping them out, driving off without a driver, and then driving past a very conveniently placed newer yellow and black Camaro with the exact paint job he wants.  Because Michael Bay cares about very few things in this movie. Tits! And you, yes you! Driving a nice shiny car, because you are a man. A virale, sex having man!

B: [laugh]

O: Or at least that's what he's assuming!

S: Oh, and the way Bumblebee scans this car is kind of ridiculous cuz he’s- he’s up on two wheels driving like half on his side so he’s-

O:  Yeah, like on his side!  So he’s got to scan it with something like, on the bottom of his car mode???

S: Yeah, on his undercarriage and it's weird and silly.

O: And it’s just like, yeah, nobody saw this.  Sure!

S: Like, they're driving in a tunnel, there were definitely other people around, cuz people-

O: There definitely were!

S: Cuz people honked at them, people honked at them when Bumblebee dropped them off.  But yeah, let's go. Bee picks them up and they're like, “Oh wow, you could have done this anytime?” and then Bee precedes to take them trespassing so they can meet new people.

O: Where even are they?

S: I don’t know!  I don't think anyone knows.

O; Valid point.

S: Who knows, maybe they're in Oregon now.

O: [laughs] Yes!  They drove north. Very far north!

S: They could have if they were driving all day, I don’t know!  Either that or they were going around goddamn circles.

O: I'm willing to bet that actually.

S: And finally we're going to get more robots as um, meteorites rain down.  These robots being our Autobots.

O: Who will still not improve this movie enough to matter.

S: Which is so depressing.

O: It really is!

S: Mikaela and Sam hold hands because as uh, movie logic dictates- if you have a man and a woman who spend more than a few minutes uh, with one another they will be in love by the end of it.

O: Who cares!  The Autobots seriously fuck some shit up when they land on Earth!

S: Oh they do.  And not a single fuck was given, because they seriously have no idea what the fuck's going on.

O: A bunch of people are running around at several of the crash si- sites recording things too.

S: Um-hmm.  Recording stuff, and probably putting it on YouTube-

O: I would assume.

S: -or whatever in-universe equivalent of YouTube.

O: I think it's just YouTube, based on a sequel, but don't quote me on that.

S: Who knows, we even see Ratchet’s weird ambulance mode in the background of some of these shots.  So we can see where and when he scanned it.

O: Apparently, according to the TF Wiki, this is supposed to be a Hummer H2 rescue vehicle.  So not even technically an ambulance.

S: And then we see Jazz at a Cadillac dealership.

O: Isn’t he supposed to be a Porsche?

S: Yep.

O:  I mean, [sighs] why start being accurate with alts now, right?

S: Well, I'm going to assume that Cadillac paid for this product placement.

O: [laughs] Yeah…

S: Whereas, Porsche probably didn't give a shit.

O: And Porsche was already in there so they did pay money, but the Cadillacs probably paid more.

S: Probably, I don’t know. He's- yeah, he's not even a Cadillac.  Jazz is a Pontiac Solstice, so why are we even had a Cadillac dealership?

O: Money.  Ironhide however, is a huge fucking truck now.

S: A GMC Topkick.  He also apparently, uh- a little girl mistakes him for the tooth fairy.

O: It’s pretty cute actually. I gotta give them that.

S: Yep. Optimus lands on scams a conveniently placed semi.

O: [It] kills me that they copy the paint jobs.  I think I’d prefer if the paint jobs were something that were like, inherent to them, to their biology.  But no! There's another truck out there with blue paint and orange and red flames on the side, are you shitting me?

S: I mean…

O: Or on the front.

S: [snickers]  It's likelier than you think.  Does this mean that there is another cop car out there with, “Punish and enslave,” on the side, or it- was this some civilian’s idea of a cop cosplay?

O: [sighs] Well, we do see little details change like the Autobot signals [symbols] on Ratchet’s paint job.  So maybe that was a small enough detail to be changed. The only reason we even know the semi-truck’s paint job is because we saw a drive by.

S: Yeah. Uh, the Autobots show up in an alley where they meet up with uh, Bee, Sam, and Mikaela.

O: Optimus transforms, he's a Kenworth W900 truck in the live-action series.  Which looks somewhat different from his design from the cartoon which was based on a Freightliner WFT-8664T.

S: To make this more confusing they used an entirely different [truck] model while filming, but we're going with uh, Hasbro’s official answer here.

O: Namely, the Freightliner was a cab over truck and the Kenworth isn't.  It's a more traditional semi that you see stateside anyway.

S: He introduces the rest of the bots and their robot modes are also terrible.

O: Jazz apparently learned to speak from the Internets and knows the lingo.

S: Well, presumably they all did.  I think Jazz is the one who actually paid attention.

O: Yeah.

S: Ironhide, our weapons expert.

O: “I blow shit up!”

S: And [uneasy laugh] welcome to one of our least favorite lines ever and it's Ratchet’s introduction no less.

O: And I quote, “The boy’s pheromone levels suggest he wants to mate with the female.”

S: [quietly] Oh god.  Ugh...

O: I'd like to remind you all that Ratchet is uh, Specs’ favorite G1 character.  So this is particularly ughhh. [laughs] I’m so sorry.  Not like my faves really go- are handled any better to be fair, except maybe Soundwave.

S: We've also got to make it clear that he can't fix Bee.  So Ratchet zaps him with something or whatever.

O: They just need Powerglide to fix him, obviously!  With his magical ray of healing.

S: Yeah that'd probably do the trick.  Optimus puts on a laser light show to explain the plot to Sam.  And I mean, the laser light show was cool but... this seems like a really weird-

O: Weird place to do it?  But uh, he's Optimus Fucking Prime, he does what he wants.

S: This is all funnier to listen to once you realize just how young the Bayverse versions of Transformers are compared to their counterparts in any other continuity.  Optimus is like 10,000 years old, tops? Compared to the G1 versions, where everyone's like, millions of years old.

O: I would love to see G1 Megs’ reaction to us.  “You're how old!?! Sparklings! Why are sparklings in charge!?!”

S: Why are babies fighting?  Oh my god it's the baby war.

O: [singing to the tune of Muppet Babies] ~Robot babies!~ [laughs]

S: Oh god, the fact that there are actually, at least, a few crossovers that's basically Transformers babies.  Where they basically took a concept of Muppet Babies and did it with Transformers.

O: Oh lord, oh lord. Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

S: Cause it’s- yeah, Megatron is Meggy.

O: [sighs]

S: I read those-

O: No.

S: -way back-

O: No.  I refuse to believe those exists.

S: [starts laughing]

O: I live in a world where those don’t exist because I haven’t seen them yet, and I don’t have object permanence!

B: [laugh]

S: Unfortunately, I can introduce you to things that will make you regret this fandom.

O: You would!  YOU WOULD! [laughs]

S: I’ve in this fandom since like, 2002!

O: You’re like, “Bitch, I been in this fandom for decades!”

S: Well, definitely more than decade at this point.  It will be two decades of-um, in like three years.

O: [laughs]

S: Optimus continues to explain that Megatron basically destroyed Cybertron.

O: Oh sure, blame Megatron for this.  Nevermind what we learn about Sentinel Prime later.

S: And in any case it takes two to tango, so…

O: Uh-huh.

S: It may not have been good if they've just rolled over and let Megatron do whatever the hell he wanted but…

O I don't really trust this Optimus either, soooo, you know.

S: Yeah.  It’s a war, both sides are going to do... a lot of shit.

O: Yup.

S: We get a bit better look at Megatron's design in the flashback, as Optimus continues to explain.

O: Thanks!  I hate it.

S: Megatron here just looks like a bipedal bag of knives.

O: And that sounds like the world's worst cryptid!

S: Optimus tell Sam um, that he may be Earth's only hope.

O: Help me Whitwicky, you're my only hope!

S: What a depressing hope.

O: Definitely!  So now it's time for the plot glasses, which apparently were imprinted with the coordinates for the AllSpark when Sam's great granddad whatever found Megatron.

S: I don't understand the mechanism that did this.

O: I don't either, just roll with it.

S: [sighs]

O: The movie is.

S: [groans] You know, the Decepticons could have literally just bid on the fucking auction for the glasses.

O: And I refuse to believe that, that is not exactly what Soundwave would have done if he was here, because that is the perfectly reasonable plan.

S: Or you know, literally just sending Frenzy to infiltrate his house.  Anything would have been better than what actually happened.

O: Pretty much.  But eBay!

S: That would have- it would have been way funnier if Soundwave had done the, you know, bidding on eBay robot- the robot war is literally a bidding war.

O: Yeah, and less things would have blown up. Michael Bay would have died from lack of explosions, but I- I think that's the price I'm willing to pay.

S: [sighs] Maggie and Glen get brought to the uh, Pentagon... maybe?  They're in some sort of holding cell waiting for interrogation.

O: Yeah... I get- I- I think it's the Pentagon, I'm not actually sure.

S: And then Glen proceeds to eat all the doughnuts that were left in um, left there.  And they're delicious, delicious looking doughnuts.

O: [Homer Simpson intonenation] Emmm, doughnut.   And now driving through a quiet suburban neighborhood, late at night- all of the Autobots!

S:  [sighs] Sam tries to convince the Autobots to stay outside and stay quiet, while he goes inside and tries to find the glasses.  And he's actually um, reasonably polite and respectful about this, considering the situation.

O: Eh... but the Autobots are super impatient.

S: [sighs] And Sam’s dad continues to be an asshole.  Basically moaning about how he spent all his money on a car for Sam, and now Sam gets home late and he had to do all of Sam's chores.  Like the KIND person that he is.

O: So instead of you know, just doing something nice for your kid you're going to just- stand out here, at the screen door, having a dick-measuring contest with your teenage fucking son.  Granted it is pretty fucking hysterical that Optimus and the rest are sneaking around the yard while Sam is desperately trying to be like, “No dad, I got this, you don't need to come out here, it’s fine!”

S: [sharp intake of breath] God, if Sam's dad had actually gone outside.

O: [laughs]

S: How the hell would that have worked?  I mean if he'd had booze or something or he had-  he has like-

O: He just looks at the wine glass and walks back inside.

S: [sharp intake of breath] “I've had too much to drink, I'm going to bed.”

O: [laughs]

S: Cuz all of the Autobot stuff is in the background.

O: Of course, they're stepping on things, knocking things over, the whole works.

S: Why didn't they just stay in car mode?

O: It’s a valid question.  I really don't think Optimus would be this much of an idiot and it makes the Autobots all look like assholes who aren't listening to the person who's trying to help them, and what he's asking them to do.

S: And then to make it worse, Ironhide pulls out his gun and aims it at Sam's dog.

O: Which is what, the equivalent are pulling at a freaking pistol cuz a bug landed on you?  What the hell, man!?!

S: Though Ironhide saying, “Bad mojo!” after Sam prompts him is pretty funny.  And the reason why he pulls out the uh, the big guns is because Sam's dog... pees on him.

O: Yep!  But seriously, this is the dumbest plan guys.

S: Yeah, the Autobots have been waiting all this time and apparently they can't sit still for five minutes, because they're all like, giant toddlers.

O:  [singing to the tune of Muppet Babies] ~Robot babies!~ [laughs]

S: [sighs] Transformers babies.  I- I am seriously debating finding that and throwing it at you.

O: You're just- you just want to hurt me.

S: I showed you good stuff!

O: Anyway, Optimus lifts Mikaela up into Sam's room and they both began rummaging around his room to find the glasses.

S: Sam shoos Mikaela away from a certain area in his room and um-

O: That's his porn, that's his porn stash.

S: [sighs] So I guess that's what he was referring to earlier.

O: Probably.

S: And now all of the Autobots are in car mode, in the backyard.  Except they've already done a shitload of damage.

O: Um-hm.

S: Except apparently Ratchet... isn't in car mode.  Cuz he uh-

O: Or he transforms from car mode?

S: Yeah cuz he, uh... he walks into a transformer, a power transformer.

O: Ugh, I'm just not fond of the VA they picked for him here.  I know Prime wasn't out yet, but that guy, we need that guy [Jeffrey Combs] here.  I love [that] Ratchet’s voice.

S: So when Ratchet walked into the power transformer, he knocked out the power.  He fell down I was like, “Oh! That was a kick, that was fun.”

O: [laughs]

Because apparently getting shocked for Transformers feels all tingly and fun.

O: [laughs] I mean…

S: Uh, and so- so at this point, the power is out, Sam's parents think that there's an earthquake cuz Ratchet fell down and made you know, shit happen and then they duck under- well, Sam's dad ducks under a table.  His mom is just like, “How did you get over there so fast?”

O: [laughs] I do enjoy that they're like, “Bring the wine!”  Cuz if they're gonna die, they're gonna die happy.

S: They’re all a little slooshed up at this point.

O: They- they are. [laughs]

S: And then Sam's parents uh, head upstairs to check on Sam and bang on his door.

O: And we present to you, the most awkward conversation ever captured in cinema!

S: Sam's parents are like, “Hey, uh, why was your door locked?  There aren’t- no doors are locked in this house,” and uh, decide to assume uh, masturbation was what was going on.

O: I did not need. [Clears throat] I did not need, or want to hear his mom call it, ”Sam’s special alone time”!  Just no. All the no. NO-NO-NO-NO-NO!

S: Ironhide asks Optimus if you can shoot them.

O: PLEASE!!!  [dissolves into laughter]  Optimus is like, “No, what's wrong with you!?!”

S: Yeah, and then all of the Autobots are trying to avoid being seen.  So, it's like they're attempting to do a Jenga with the house and they're all scrunched up- around and under Sam's window listening in and it's actually a pretty neat shot.

O: It's pretty funny.  Mercifully, Mikaela saves us from this insanity by stepping out and introducing herself.  So yeah, I think they're just gonna assume they were doing the horizontal mambo, if you know what I mean!

S: His parents apologize that she may have heard their ‘family discussion’.

O: Oh, is that what you're calling talking about your son’s WANKING OFF HABITS!?!

S: [sighs] Your son’s sex life, or lack thereof.

O: Why did you do this to me movie!?!

S: And this is where the federal agents come in.

O: OH THANK GOD!  And we have our main asshole FBI guy- oh sorry, I mean Sector Seven guy, Agent Simmons, JOY.

S: Sam's parents take issue with all of this.  Particularly his mom, who's mad that they're messing up their plants. Oh, and at some point, the father looked outside and was like, “Ah!  The earthquake destroyed all my shit!”

O: [laughs] Cuz he thinks the earthquake did it.

S: And at this point I think Sam's mom's gonna be really unhappy when she realizes just how much damage the Autobots did…

O: Yeah, Optimus stepped on her flowerbed.

S: Yeah.  And then the Sector Seven people want to take Sam away.

O: Personally, I think they can just, you know, have him!  Can we follow Mikaela for the rest of the movie instead, please?

S: Unfortunately, Mikaela gets brought along too.

O: Sam, his parents, and Mikaela are shoved into some cars by the Sector Seven guys.

S: Oh, and the reason that the uh, the Sector Seven people know to take Sam is that they have some sort of uh, thing that reads radiation and Simmons-

O: And he dropped his cell phone, or the cops still had it, so they [Sector Seven] now have his cell phone.

S: That's true.

O: And his recording of Bee, and him talking.

S: Yeah.

O: And him saying his car is alive.

S: Yeah, but they also have a thing that like, reads the radiation.  So Sam and Mikaela unfortunately, are now probably irradiated... somehow.  Which may or may not give them a very good life expectancy. And oh, Sam's terrible eBay user name gets mentioned again.

O: And you totally see Mikaela roll her eyes at it too.

S: Oh yeah, and they apparently have Sam's phone as you mentioned.  Which is how they tracked him down, and when asked about his ‘stolen’ car Sam says, “It came back.”

O: Right!  Doesn’t your car come back when it's stolen, Specs?

S: No, it's not a boomerang.  Though I suppose if a thief stole it [and] they decided it was super shitty they’d return it because-

O: I feel like they wouldn't even return it.

S: Or it just turns up again, like a block away.

O: I would be more willing to believe that.

S: I think I've seen stuff about that happening, but I don’t know.  Agent Simmons decides to lord his authority over them by uh, showing his badge and declaring it a, “I can do whatever I want and get away with it,” badge.

O: More like an asshole badge!

S: He also starts uh, to threaten Mikaela's dad.

O: Because as previously stated, he is a fucking asshole.  It's not even like Mikaela's got much to do with any of this to begin with.

S: People with power are just assholes-

O: Pretty much.

S: -a lot of the time.  And of course, it's um, prime time to bring up Mikaela's criminal record, because fuck you Simmons.

O: And Sam has the nerve to be horrified when finding out about this.

S: Sam you jackass.  You privileged, rich, white boy.

O: Yup.

S: And then the car is picked up and the- the uh, roof is ripped off by Optimus, once they’re in a suitably isolated area.

O: Optimus then kneels down, has an entire conversation with agent Simmons and Co.

S: He gets mad and tells them to get out of the car.

O: What’s left of it you mean?

S: I mean, it probably runs, maybe?

O: [laughs] He took off- like, the entire top half of it off!

S: Yes, but that- that's a not the part that keeps it from running.

O: And dropped it quite a ways.

S: Yeah... that's true, I don't know.  Mikaela finally tells Sam off for shitty comments about her criminal record earlier by asking him, “When have you ever had to give up anything in your perfect little life?”  Mikaela has a criminal record because she wouldn't rat out her dad.

O: Yeah, which- and depending on how old she is this should not have really even been legal to begin with.

S: Yeah.

O: Like, this like, I’m- I'm assuming this happened sometime between when she was 8 and 12 and it means that somebody chose to basically to prosecute her at a higher age bracket.  [My logic for this is that there’s a comment about him not always having been able to afford a babysitter for her so I assume she wouldn’t have been old enough to stay home by herself, but take that with a grain of salt.  ~O]

S: Yeah.

O: Which is shitty.  But, that statement, that line, is the most accurate description of Sam.  Here is a person who comes from privilege, he stumbles upon events that bestow him even more privilege and he acts entitled- so, so very entitled, during it all.

S: Yup, and then we get the part where Bumblebee pees on Agent Simmons.

O: [sighs]

S: [sighs]  It’s just like, whyyyyy?

O: Does this mean he's low on those fluids now?  Is Ratchet gonna have to top him off later? And why is that there?  I mean why does it exist at all sure, but specifically, why is it where a dick would be on a person!?!

S: Yeah, why is it framed like that?  From the perspective of the person being peed on?

O: [sighs] I don't know, but now that his friends are here Sam is going to be as douchey as possible because he orders Simmons to remove his pants.

S: And according to his under clothes or at least his undershirt, Sector Seven sells or has branded clothing items available for their agents.

O: The Autobots leave but, oh no!  They [the agents] were on the phone the whole time.

S: [sighs] Meaning, backup arrives shortly thereafter and the Autobots proceed to hide under a bridge.  Optimus carrying Mikaela and Sam in his arms.

O: Just putting this out there, but I too would like to be carried in Optimus’ big, strong arms.

S: Carried in his gentle, strong hands.  Though I mean, preferably G1 Optimus, or one of the other Optimuses.

O: Yeah, yeah, just not this Optimus.  I want the Optimus from Prime, he seems like a very calm, kind guy to give me a ride on her shoulders, that sounds nice.

S: I'll take G1 Optimus, he's a- he's very dad shaped.

O: He is the most dad shaped.

S: I'd also accept Animated Optimus.

O: Yeah... yeah, he seems nice.

S: Maybe Cyberverse, well I don't know.

O: He seems like, unsure dad shaped, and I can deal with that.

S: Yeah, and I'll leave out all the other Optimi.  Though maybe Optimus Primal might be good for a hug.

O: He would be great for a hug.  Unfortunately, they're not that much bigger than people so it would not be the same kind of ride in his big, strong arms.

S: [laughs] He’s more-

O: It still sounds nice but-

S: -more of a piggyback ride.

O: Yeah.

S: And to get away from our uh, hugging and carrying uh, discourse- there's just so many explosions happening right now.

O: Sure, don't worry about those roads or infrastructure, this is fine.

S: Oh no, Sam and Mikaela almost fell, but don't worry Optimus has slowed their descent with [laughs] his nice soft foot.

O: I guess that this is the one thing they kept from G1, huh?

S: Yeah.

O: [laugh]

S: And apparently Cybertronians are weak to ice and electricity now.  Except... didn't Ratchet think that the power-

O: Think that the electricity was nice?  I don't know, but Bumblebee gets the crap beaten out of him by the Sector Seven guys.

S: Oh my god, maybe Ratchet’s… [starts laughing]

O: Nope, nope, I think I know what went through your head and we’re not going there.  It was disturbing when Bee got hurt, okay!?!

S: [continued laughter with increasing volume]

O: [laughs] I mean I’m sure Drift would be into it, but that’s not the point!

S: [sustained laughter continues]

[The laughter is abruptly cut off as the screen cuts to a purple image with Starscream and Megatron getting caught up in an explosion, overlaid with the Decepticon logo variation used by Afterspark Podcast, with text reading, “WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.”  Elevator music plays in the background.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: [high pitched laughter continues]

[The laughter is cut off, and the same technical difficulties message and elevator music from before returns.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: I am under control again. [laughs]

O: ANYWAY, Bumblebee gets the crap beat out of him by the Sector Seven guys, it's more than a little disturbing.

S: Keep in mind that before this we really only had uh, G1 and Beast Wars as like, the main well-known Transformers things.  I mean maybe Beast Machines?

O: Eh, Beast Wars, Beast Machines, I end to count them together, since they're in the same continuity even though they're different series, but- but I know what you mean, sorry.

S: Yeah, it's just those ones would have been the ones that most people- that would have stuck out in like, the main- I don’t know, cultural hive mind, probably.  Cuz I don't think like, any of the animes would have made that much of a dent.

O: Yeah.

S: So uh, hopefully you enjoy watching your fav get tortured by the US government.

O: And the way this is framed, because Bee doesn't have a working voice box, really comes across that they're like, taking something from Sam.  Not that Sam is worried about his friend! Bee is just treated like property, by both the plot and the framing. And this is in such a stark contrast to the Bumblebee movie.  Where even though he couldn't talk, even though he was a CG character, he still felt like an actual character.

S: Yeah, in the Bumblebee movie, Bumblebee actually had an emotional arc.  When Charlie first sees him, she treats him like a person that needs care and kindness.  He- he still couldn't talk- like, he was immediately showing recognizable and understandable emotions.

O: And body language.

S: Mm-hmm, and then there's Bumblebee in this one where he can't talk, but he's just an asshole and he's gonna pee on things.

O: And you're my new best friend, and I'm gonna keep you safe, you know- just like a fucking guard dog.

S: [sighs]

O: Bee, story wise in relation to Sam, is treated more like a pet, and it is weird.

S: Yeah.  Simmons catches up with the two of them and Bee, continuing to be an asshole and taking another pot shot at Mikaela as they're being taken away.

O: And they're just going to ignore the other Autobots in the distance apparently.

S: Yep, they're still hiding under the bridge.  They're all tucked away under that bridge, which is apparently uh, enough to keep them from being spotted by helicopters.  Oh, and apparently the um- while the Autobots couldn't be bothered about the flower beds before, Optimus can see and gently pick up the plot glasses that Sam uh, well basically Sam lost them when they fell and Optimus caught them with his soft foot.

O: Yes.  And then army talk, army talk, army talk, boy let me tell ya... just how much I do not care.

S: And then the Secretary of Defense was apparently unaware of Sector Seven’s existence until now because he didn't need to know about them.

O: You know, copying Independence Day only with him instead of the president.

S: [sighs] Sector Seven is a special access division of the government created by President Hoover.  Hm...

O: And at Nellis Air Force Base, Lennox and his team are intercepted before they can head home.  Basically they're voluntold they're gonna help with this alien robot crisis.

S: Yup.  And the Secretary of Defense's meeting with the Sector Seven guys and intends to bring Maggie with them.

O: This whole scene feels very much like, “Yes, and…”  The Secretary of Defense wants Maggie to be his adviser, but when Glen asks if he is coming too and the Secretary of Defense asks, “Who is this?” Maggie just responds “He's my advisor,” and he [the Secretary of Defense] just goes with it, brings Glen along too.

S: Glen's getting the ride of a lifetime.

O: Yup!

S: I guess.

O: And finally, we get some of our separate plot threads to come together as Sam, Mikaela, Maggie, Glen, and the Secretary of Defense are now loaded up in the same helicopter and head to the Hoover Dam.

S: Weren't Maggie and the Secretary of Defense and Glen in goddamn Washington DC?

O: Yes.  Yeah.

S: Kill me now.

O: [laughs]

S: [sighs] Poor Mikaela, she just looks so tired and done with everything.

O: You just know she hasn't slept all night.

S: Honestly they probably got shoved in a holding cell, so no.

O: Yeah, and then shoved on a helicopter.

S: Yeah, here's some more Bumblebee tortured before cutting back to the Autobots talking about how they must go on and they can sense that the AllSpark is near.

O: With what?  Your bullshit radar!?!

S: Maybe they can sense it with their pheromone detectors.

O: Ratchet, what can your robot eye-

S: [laughs]

O: Ratchet what can your robot nose smell?  Frenzy is tiny, and up to shenanigans.

S: It's time to break into the Hoover Dam!

O: So just getting back to this, because the movie really, really wants to bring this home, Sam can't possibly go out with someone with a juvie record.  He wouldn't you know, want a date below his class, or marry below his class, or god forbid fuck below his class, right?

S: Sam you asshole.

O: Yup!

S: And boom, we have a Megatron.

O: Thanks, I hate it.

S: Still frozen, and presumably unconscious and offline.

O: Sector Seven’s been keeping him on ice for a while apparently.

S: Yeah, and apparently a good chunk of modern technological advancements since the thirties has been due to humans studying Megatron.  Oh god, now I'm just thinking about mechanical television. Did mechanical television come from Megatron?

O: Sure.  Sure. Why not, why not?  “Yes, and.”

S: Simmons continues to antagonize the group.  Who...who isn't a jackass in this group?

O: [sighs] Like, look, I don't like Sam but maybe Simmons, as the fucking adult needs to get his dick out of his hands and stop getting into Sam's personal space.  It's creepy!

S: Honestly, a lot of the adult men in this movie are just creepy.

O: Yeah.

S: I mean, Lennox and Epps and the soldiers-

O: Aren’t-

S: - don’t seem to be creepy but...

O: Yeah.

S: Most of them, most of them-

O: Yeah, like his dad is shitty like... well- I guess Glen and the Secretary of Defense aren't bad?

S: Yeah, but they don't get a whole lot of screen time and also one of them's over 60.

O: That’s also true.  Anyway, it is explained that the AllSpark was hidden and that they built the Hoover Dam around it.

S: How did the Native Americans in the area not know about it?

O: Maybe it was underwater?  If it was visible they absolutely would have but I wouldn't put it past the Army or Sector Seven, or whoever, to conveniently ignore that fact.

S: But, um, would have been a river before the dam was put in and-

O: Obviously, Specs, you’re forgetting how deep rivers are.

S: The fact that you actually spent time looking to attempt to look this up-

O: I tried, and I could not find a straight answer! [laughs]

S: Well, it’s not exactly like they were going around do river measuring in that time period is it?

O: No... I’m still sad I couldn't find a straight answer though.

S: And I mean, who knows, maybe they accidentally made it a huge afterward.

O: I- I do think that would legitimately be funny, is like, some scientist poked it the wrong way and now it's like, “Oops, it just takes up the entire hanger now, sorry guys.”

S: [laughs] It’s like, “Oh shit.  Oh shit, I'm glad it didn't crush me.”

O: Yeah.

S: [sigh] The AllSpark just has random powers.

O: Frenzy now has a body again.

S: Yeah, Frenzy, uh- Frenzy was taken along this entire time in Mikaela's bag, I think?

O: Yeah, pretty much.  Like, he got out of her bag and sort of crawled into Hoover- the Hoover Dam.

S: Yeah, and he's able to signal the rest of the Decepticons with the Megatron's location and then we get to see them finally begin to mobilize.

O: And now, an hour and 40 minutes into this movie, we have a Starscream.  There is no power on heaven or Earth that can make me believe that that is his holoform.  Mark my words, I don't care if IDW never gave him the holoform, but his holoform form would be female, and no one can stop me.

S: [sighs] And then more on the AllSpark’s plethora of abilities, apparently they can use it to turn random electronics into Transformers.  Which... the Autobots would probably consider kind of horrifying, because these are babies and now the babies are dead.

O: Yep.

S: Simmons proceeds to demo this for us by taking Glen's cell phone and zapping it's to life.

O: I will forever be confused for this, why does it seem like the AllSpark always makes stuff that's evil?

S: I mean it's a baby.

O: I know, but it has red optics, I feel like we have to assume it's a Decepticon.

S: Maybe the Decepticons are the last people who had it if they'd programmed it for red optics-

O: [laughs] So you’re telling me it’s stuck on the make evil setting?  Got it.

S: It’s possible!  I don't know how this works, and it’s not like we're gonna get a demonstration of it later, considering what happens.

O: Yeah, yeah…

S: And Simmons proceeds to kill this little phone Transformer by basically electrocuting the shit out of it.

O: We create life, then we kill it, but we're the good guys remember!  And now, finally, Dorito-scream has been achieved!

S: It's just so triangular.

O: I don't know why Starscream looks like a giant flying Dorito in this-

S: It might-

O: -but I find it hilarious.

S: It might be his color scheme… partially.

O: He doesn’t really have a color scheme.

S: Yes, but-

O: It’s just he’s so triangular!

S: Yes, but he's also kind of beige.

O: Eh, you’re right, that doesn’t really help things.  Uh, Frenzy manages to take out the power for Sector Seven’s facilities.

S: How does a dam lose power considering in generates power?

O: I don’t know, Specs.

S: Sorry, I mean, I guess it's possible that he could, like basically prevent water from going through the dam by freezing something, but…

O: I think he actually just started destroying the mechanical stuff, so like the generators and stuff.  It's now time to defrost our Decepticon warlord on high.

S: Frenzy is getting busy in the control room again- again blowing all of the shit up, and then all of the scientists in the main bay when Megatron is being held seem like, super unfazed by the deep thaw that's starting.

O: You guys need to run.  I have zero doubts that Megatron won't kill you out of sheer spite.

S: Yup.  Did you know that there was a whole armoury of bullshit under the Hoover Dam?  Because of all- the soldiers are like, “Pass the guns! Give me that buffet of guns and ammo!”

O: And Lennox is kind of done with Simmons, because uh, yeah uh, violence is uh, implied. I'm so glad that this movie is all violence, no character development, or emotions, or feelings  We don't have feeling Specs, because we are sex having heterosexual men! Hetero men who have sex with women, never mind that G1 is one of the least straight things I've ever seen in my life!

S: To be fair to the soldiers they did not sign up for this bullshit, and then they got dragged into and all they wanted to do was go home.

O: And-and look, I would be pretty upset about being shoved into the same room as Agent Simmons.  So yeah, I can't blame them too much.

S: Yeah.

O: They go to retrieve Bumblebee.

S: And Sam's like, “Stop electrocuting my car!”  Not even, “Stop electrocuting that guy.” “Stop electrocuting my car.”

O: Of course!  And Bumblebee just gives a him a look like, “Dude, I have had the shittiest day.”

S: Yup, and poor dude is like, super jumpy and paranoid but I mean who wouldn't- who wouldn't be?

O: I- yeah, I mean considering he was tortured all night- he's got ever right!  I still legitimately don't know what catching Bee accomplished!

S: I don't think it accomplished shit except getting him to this location, which I guess was the plot contrivance.  And now we've got the magical size changing cube.  As Bumblebee touches the AllSpark and like, pokes it a bit and then suddenly it is like hand-sized, for him.

O: Even their spark of life can mass shift apparently.

S: Oh god. [snickers] It's from a planet of shapeshifters.  Apparently mass shifting is just what this stupid thing does.

O: Apparently.

S: Everybody can just understand Bee now, this is fine.  And, oh, Bee’s been talking in like, radio and music references this entire time, and I don't think we ever mentioned that.

O: [laughs] You're right I don't think we did.  He isn't talking normally, he's using recordings.

S: He talks TV, basically.

O: Pretty much. Well, asshole’s up!  “This is not where I fell asleep, I'll have you know!”

S: He’s a lot less uh, he's a lot less of a morning person than Skyfire was.

O: [laughs]

S: Skyfire was much more genteel about the entire thing.

O: [laughs]

S: Megatron's a jet in this, so we’re- you know just so we're all on the same page here.  He meets up with his second-in-command Dorito-san.

O: [laughing] Dorito-san!?!

S: [laughing] Sorry... He meets up with his second-in-command, you know, the Dorito.

B: [laugh]

O: There's some groveling that happens.  Megatron tells Starscream he's disappointed in him and all I can think is- he didn't even do anything yet!

S: Apparently he couldn't find Megatron, which I guess is what he's disappointed in.

O: I guess?  “Do you realize I had to listen to... Francois talk about his- his terrible wife for three weeks, do you realize that [Starscream]!?!”

S: Simmons, the Secretary of Defense, Maggie, and Glen uh, remain behind when everyone else heads out to go to... stuff.  So while everyone else is going and doing stuff the- [sighs] the dam crew, that's what I'm going to call them.

O: [laughs] Okay, okay, I’m here for this.

S: They attempt to contact the Air Force, to try and get some you know, backup for Bee and company.

O: They do this by using some very antiquated equipment, because the Cons have knocked out most communication worldwide.

S: Which is not explored in this movie, let alone any others.

O: Yeah, because this would be like a thing that should affect everybody.

S: Yes, there goes-

O: Or at least everybody in the in the US.

S: Yeah, frankly I'm kind of- well, no, apparently landlines don't work and I don't understand why.

O: I don't either.

S: But yeah, cuz this- this would have wiped out... literally every communication except apparently shortwave radio.  But apparently, yeah, shortwave radio will still work. Which is what they're attempting to use here. They get the brilliant idea to hotwire a computer to transmit a tone through a radio signal, while they're trying to hold off Frenzy who is trying to get into the room that they're- that they’ve holed themselves up in.  Which... it's a weird, weird room.

O: It is, but now back to how sexy the cars are!  Look at the car, so sexy!

S: Why is everything so orange?  I will bemoan the orange!

O: We can’t have no girly colors in here conveying emotions, Specs!  Look at the cars!

S: [sighs] And the Autobots immediately join up with Bee, it's convoy time!

O: [attempts to sing] We're gonna roll this truckin convoy- oh god that’s the right tune.  I even looked it up!

S: Oh!  I've got it on my phone.

[The audio cuts and “Convoy,” by C. W. McCall plays]

B: [singing] “We have a little ol’ convoy, burning through the night!  Yeah, we got a little convoy. Ain't she a beautiful sight? Come on and join our convoy!  Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way. We gonna roll this truckin' convoy 'cross the U-S-A. Convoy!”

[The audio cuts as a record scratch noise plays]

O: That’s enough of a music break!

B: [laugh]

S: Ah, Maggie and company began to arm themselves with some of the older guns um, from the display cases in the room they're stuck in.

O: Oh yeah, I'm sure those will shoot just fine!

S: Where did they even find the ammo or…?

O: Yeah!  Because why would the ammo be stored with most of the stuff that's on display?

S: I mean that thing- I mean like, having the ammo for interest but yeah, why would they have ammo or even gun powder in this room?  [quietly] I don’t know. [normal volume] And then it's back to Bee again.

O: Wow, I just don't care!  Even the G1 episodes, where they were constantly swapping back and forth between a bunch of different scenes, are better than this.

S: Those typically have more things happening in them.

O: Surprisingly, yes.  I'd much rather watch Megatron throw shit at Starscream.

S: Honestly, that's more cohesive.

O: And that is saying something.

S: Okay, so one of the Decepticons, Bonecrusher, catches up with the Bots and Optimus transforms into a robot mode to protect the others.

O: He just seems like such an asshole here, they're literally fighting on a highway.  There are so many people that must die here!

S: Yeah, I mean, I'm kind of amused by how it looks like their roller-skating but that doesn't exactly take away from the- oh, there's a terrifying robot deathmatch and so many people are dying.

O: Yeah and but- but thanks Bay!  I'm so glad that this one kid and his mom survived.  Thanks for that.

S: God, so many people probably need therapy in this universe.

O: I would think so.

S: Frenzy is now in the vents.

O: Good boy, you go get ‘em!  Even if the B team is definitely the better… group.

S: He comes out and falls so straight onto a glass case, uh-

O: That's my boy!

B: [laugh]

S: Like, he's using shuriken things, like he was using a shuriken things before, but now he's been like boomerang- boomeranging shit around and he accidentally beheads himself with his boomerang shuricane- shuriken thingy.

O: That's my boy! [laughs] So interestingly (to me anyway), it seems like this- the movie series uh, kind of made the whole- the whole integrated weapon thing for the Transformers more common.  I know you saw it a bit in G1, but it seemed kind of inconsistent in either how it worked or what weapons they had. Ironhide, just Ironhide, right?

S: Mm-hm.

O: Um, but- but this made it more consistent, like especially in Prime you- you saw that consistency and thought applied to the weapons and how that- they access them throughout the entire series, which was really nice.

S: It was also pretty consistent with Animated, which I think came out around the same time as this movie though I don't remember if it was prior to the movie being released or afterward.  

[TFA was released in December of 2007, whereas the first Transformers live action film had been released in July 2007. ~O]

O: Well, and I mean, either, or- either the movie borrowed from it, or it borrowed from the movie with Megatron kind of being that thing that advanced tech for-

S: Yeah.

O: -for humanity, which was just kind of weird, but yeah.

S: Or they both borrowed it from the comics, and then just made it consistent because they do have pretty integrated weaponry in the original Marvel comics.

O: That- that's true I-I meant- I thought you meant the uh, Megatron being- being why we had any technological advancement-

S: Oh-

O: -and I was really confused for a good minute.

S: No, no, no, no, sorry, just the-the integrated weaponry.

O: Fair.

S: Though [laughs] Animated did that Megatron’s the reason that they have-

O: Yeah!  That- that like, New Detroit or Detroit has like all this like, amazing tech.

S: Our convoy enters Mission City, and prepares to hold off the Decepticons to prevent them from getting the AllSpark.

O: Why did they bring this into a city?

S: I don't know, no one explains their shitty decisions here.

O: It gets weirder because apparently, when they were writing or making the movie there- they originally have thought to have the climax in the Grand Canyon.  Which seems like that would make a lot more sense? Like, sure, there's less coverage per se, but way less civilian life in danger!

S: It would have also involved like, immense environmental destruction but that’s not something they would have been concerned about.

O: I just don’t see- I don't see how that would have been more work then the city.

S: They may have had issues actually getting- well no, they could have done it all in green screen but…

O: Anyway, we've contacted the Air Force, so the dam team has succeeded.

S: [laughs]

O: Uh, Lennox and his dudes communicate what they need.

S: Oh honey, that's not the Air Force.  That's really not the Air Force.

O: But only Ironhide seems to realize it's actually Starscream that's approaching.

S: Bee uses a random... well, it's got a Furby on it, so it's the Furby delivery truck as cover.

O: Starscream shoots said truck and send everyone flying.  Everyone else is covered in dirt and grime here- and I mean technically so is Mikaela, but she has an almost angelic glow about her when she wakes up in a pile of rubble looking at Sam.  Sam also has an angelic glow because remember, he gonna hit that.

S: [sharp intake of breath] Uh-huh, Bumblebee has lost his legs in the last attack.

O: And Bumblebee is basically half a bot, let's keep that in our back pocket for later shall we?

S: Yeah.  Mikaela being the badass lady that she is like, “ We're gonna move Bee!  We're going to get this done!” And proceeds to break into and hotwire a tow truck to do just that.

O: Go Mikaela. Bee gives the AllSpark to Sam and conveys to him that he should go on without him basically.

S: And then another Decepticon um, Demolisher, shows up and uh, Ironhide, Ratchet and Jazz engage him.  And I think Demolisher’s a tank?

O: Yeah… and I think that one [the tank] was Demolisher?  I think this is something that really frustrates me about Sam though,  so much what happening- what is happening around him seems rooted in the sense of self sacrifice, but yet he doesn't ever have to sacrifice anything?

S: Like, the only things that he might theoretically have to sacrifice could be his life.  And he never does that, he's never even like, even remotely close to doing something like that except by accident.

O: Exactly.

S: By like, falling off a building.

O: Yeah, like it's never, “I'm going to-,” it never feels like, “I am going to choose to do this thing.”

S: Yeah, and then random boob and ass shot from some random lady who's in danger.

O: And I'm not judging her for what she's wearing, but you just know she got put in that outfit and put into that shot for one reason which was titillation and I'm like, did you have to?  In a movie about giant robots, did you have to?

S: It's only theoretically about giant robots, you know it's about Sam-

O: [sighs] Yeah...

S: and his boner.

O: [quietly] Boner of fate.

S: [high pitched laughter]

[The laughter is abruptly cut off as the screen cuts to a purple image of one of the Conehead Seekers in a t-rex’s jaws, overlaid with the Decepticon logo variation used by Afterspark Podcast, with text reading, “WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.”  Elevator music plays in the background.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: Megatron lands, and you know, shouts his own name.

O: Why are you- why did he do that!?!  Is he a Pokemon now? “Megatron! MEGATRON!” [laughs]

S: He’s got to announce his presence.

O: [still laughing] Obviously!

S: Poor Jazz attacks Megatron, and Megatron grabs him before flying off and landing on top of a building.

O: And then he rips Jazz in two.

S: Poor Jazz will not survive this.

O: Remember what I said earlier?

S: About Bee?

O: Yeah. [sighs] You- you brought up a good point prior, technically Bee only lost his legs from the knee down, but I'm just gonna say, they are giant fucking robots and I still don't feel like Jazz should have died here.  Also, according to the TF Wiki there was some point during development when Megatron was going to literally, not figuratively, literally, eat other bots’ sparks, so if that had been what had happened- Jazz being dead would have made a lot more sense!

S: How in a movie about alien freaking robots does Bay manage to kill the metaphorical black guy first?  Why?

O: I don't know why he killed anyone here!  We've barely gotten to see the robots at all!

S: Apparently, we have to make uh, make there be some sort of... I don't know, people are dying, this stuff is really real.  Except... no, they use the guy who's- basically Jazz's speech patterns are close- are I don't know, AAVE? American… African-American Vernacular, I think?

O: Eh, it’s- he's coded African American because of his speech patterns-

S: Yeah.

O: -is probably, how I would know-

S: The way, yes-

O: -the best way to say it?  And I'm just super sorry if that's not accurate.

S: Yeah, we- we apologize if this is inaccurate and offends anyone.  It isn't our intention.

O: Yeah.  But- but yeah, like effectively, [sighs] he, ugh, it’s just literally he- he killed the black guy.  I know he's not literally a black guy, but- but that is how he has been characterized.

S: That's just... that's how it feels.

O: Yeah.

S: And back to Dumbass McGee.  Sam is tasked with taking the AllSpark to the top of this building, so that they can hand it off to the Air Force.

O: Did they miss the whole Megatron and Starscream have jet alts bit?

S: I'm gonna go with, yes.

O: Apparently, okay.  Just checking.

S: Everyone is a very, very disrespectful, like they're fucking disrespectful as fuck to Mikaela and no one gives Sam shit but Mikaela trying to get Bee out of the way invites comments.

O: Golly, I wonder why!

S: And Optimus finally arrives.

O: What took him so long!?!

S: He got lost!  He fell off a highway and wasn't sure which way everyone else went, and also, with all the you know, internet and Wi-Fi and everything knocked out, he didn't have any GPS.

O: [laughs] That is the best excuse- that’s the best explanation I've heard. Headcannon accepted!

S: It’s not like he's driven around there before, and I don't think he has Ratchet’s nose. [laughs]

O: No, no, no, nope, uh-hm-

S: [continues laughing]

O: - nope that’s it, I’m leaving!

S: [continues laughing]

O: I’m done, I’me done! [unintelligible] -of Ratchet’s nose!

S: [continues laughing]

[A door slams]

S: [continues laughing]

[The laughter is abruptly cut off as the screen cuts to a purple image of Soundwave being thrown into a rocket, overlaid with the Decepticon logo variation used by Afterspark Podcast, with text reading, “WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.”  Elevator music plays in the background.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: And then Megatron shows up, transforming into robot mode.

O: So I don’t hate his alt exactly, but I just can't help but think Prime did this better.  Of course his voice was better too, but what do I know!?! Sorry, is my salt showing? Seriously though, I find it funny that both damn times that go to make a Transformers movie, they- they get Cullen to do Optimus, but they don't get Welker to Megatron.  Only to have Welker either return to do the character in the TV show or later in the movie series. Although it's kind of funny cuz they took him out in the movie and had somebody else play Galvatron and it's the exact opposite in the live-action, where once Galvatron shows up Welker is doing him.  The irony.

S: That is funny.  And then Megatron and Optimus fight.

O: Finally!  We get some of that homoerotic fighting this series is so known for!  He's sitting on Optimus punching him, yep.

S: Except a lot of this is done in a shaky cam so..

O: Yeah, so it's still terrible but eh, I mean, at least we're getting... sexual tension now?

B: [laugh]

S: And Sam is somehow running faster than the robots, how???  They have a wider stride.

O: Dunno, but it’s the return of Dorito-scream!

S: And Ironhide tells Sam to run, like he wasn't already doing that.

O: Mikaela however, is a stone cold badass.

S: Her and Bee enter the fray, with her driving backwards and Bee doing all the shooting and fighting.  “I'll drive, you shoot,” indeed.

O: I really feel like they bond here, but we never get to see him be as good friends with her as he is with Sam which seems really shitty.  This scene had actual feelings! Emotions! Characters vibing with each other, dammit! Mikaela's like, “I'm scared, but I can help you and I know you want to help,” and I am here for that.

S: Yeah, they're actually working together instead of Sam who so far has uh, either been chasing the car, or being chased by the car, or possibly driving the car.

O: But not actually driving the car, like all movie.

S: Yeah.  Sam gets up on the roof and uh, manages to set off a flare.

O: But Starscream is RIGHT THERE, so the helicopter gets shot down before they can retrieve the AllSpark.

S: God, there is such a body count in this movie.

O: Right!?!  But it's fine because Sam and his penis, I mean hec-

S: [laughs]

O: Sam and his boner, I mean Sam and his not girlfriend survive.

S: Ugh, Optimus attempts to reach Sam.

O: And doesn't try to stop the falling helicopter at all.

S: It doesn't have the thing he wants.

O: [It’s] so fucked up.

S: Megatron reaches the roof and demands that Sam hands over the AllSpark.

O: Megatron then asks if it's courage or fear that compels him, which I will say- fear!  Obviously! The man has never known courage in his entire life!

S: Sam is- well, ok, so the entire time this exchange was going on, Sam was like, holding on to like, the front or back of this statue that's up on the roof.

O: Mm-hmm.

S: And, uh, basically Sam, and I think the statue, get knocked off the building.  But don't worry, Optimus catches him with his big soft hands.

O: Obviously.  Also, we see Optimus’ battle mask, it's something that was kind of neat.  An interesting idea when done WELL, like say, Prime or even Animated! You can pray this soap box for my COLD DEAD HANDS.

S: It's also not bad Cyberverse, but that's significantly newer.

O: Yeah, but it would be pulling from the other two.

S: Yeah.  And, um, how are people still driving around in this city?  Wasn't- well, I mean, there wouldn't- well, okay, I guess... there may be people who haven't gotten the memo about the giant robot war.

O: I just feel like, maybe they would have seen the smoke, or the explosions, and decided driving would be bad, but I don’t know…

S: I don't know how well sound travels in this city.

O: Who knows.  Optimus and Megatron both hit the street and seem to need a few seconds to shake the fall off, despite Sam being perfectly fucking fine.

S: That makes zero sense.  Humans are, uh... special.

O: [sighs] Optimus tells Sam that if he can't defeat Megatron, then Sam needs to push the AllSpark into Optimus’ chest- to make sure Megs doesn't get it.

S: Like, this is actually something that I think Optimus has said before?

O: Yeah, he- he said it to the Autobots earlier and- and Ratchet was like, “That might kill ya both!  Dumbass.”

S: Yeah.

O: Only without the dumbass-

S: I think-

O: -that’s my addition.  I know how to write Ratchet talking better than this movie does.  Fight me. [laughs]

S: Optimus just seems kind of suicidal at this point.

O: I mean… yeah.  He does not seem happy.

S: Yeah.

O: I mean, like, look, I can't think anybody would be happy in the middle of war or anything, but at least feel like G1 Optimus probably has moments.  Prime Optimus probably at least loves his team, to some capacity. Animated Optimus loves his team. As for as much as they drive him nuts.

S: [laughs]

O: This Optimus?  I don't think there's a single thing, a single spark of joy in this mech’s life.

S: Yeah, and back to the Decepticons, it’s Blackout time.

O: I kind of like how its rotors look like a cape when he transforms.

S: They wiggle.

O: THEY WIGGLE.

S: I- I enjoy the wiggly cape and it-

O: I do too!

S: And it’s- it’s helicopter rotors are like that.

O: Yeah, like, you kind of see with Blades a little bit in Rescue Bots too.

S: Yeah, he's a wiggly boy.  Lennox and company are able to defeat Blackout with some help from the Air Force.

O: Do they kill him with shot to the crotch?

S: [laughs] That’s entirely possible.

O: [laughs]

S: Lennox, I think, ends up taking... I don't know, the thing with- cuz-

O: They like- he slides underneath him and shoots.  So I’m like, “Did you kill him with a shot to the robo dick?”

S: [laughs]

O: Really?  Is that the Decepticons’ weakness?  That’s good to know. Optimus, aim there!

B: [laugh]

S: Oh, um, and so... basically, there's apparently a particular type of round that they have to use. Tha- it's like, a Sabot-something or other at that-

O: I don’t remember.

S: Yeah.

O: And I didn't- I didn't actually write it down because it was not important enough to me, sorry.

S: Yeah.

O: [laughs]

S: Starscream takes out a good chunk of the military reinforcements and so like, at one point one of the soldiers is like, “Friendlies don't fly under building height,” or whatever.

O: They proceed to fly in the building height a few scenes later.

S: Yeah, while…

O: Starscream is transforming in and out of jet mode to take them out.

S: Yes, so yeah, there's- god, there is so much mortality going on here.  Cuz there's like, multiple planes going down-

O: Uh-huh

S: -in the middle of this inner city area.

O: And like, I will say, and we both comm- or I think you commented on like- it is a- it's a good fight like, for how Starscream would fight.

S: Yeah.

O: Because he’s sort of constantly shifting back and forth.

S: Yeah, I think he's choosing good aerial tactics for what he is.

O: He is and it’s really neat, actually.

S: Yeah, that was pretty cool.  From a mortality from human perspective point that's horrifying but...

O: That’s true.  Elsewhere, Megatron and Optimus continue to fight but Optimus is definitely losing.

S: Yeah, and so, Sam's been underfoot I guess, the entire time?

O: And he hasn't been squished.

S: Yeah.

O: Pity.

S: So instead of shoving the cube into Optimus’ chest he shoves it into Megatron's, because apparently Megatron’s spark is just out there on display… somehow?

O: Shit!  We don't know what that does!  What if he accidentally gave him immortality or something!?!

S: Apparently that didn't happen, cuz it seems- apparently that killed Megatron and like destroyed the cube???

O: Ahh?  [laughs]

S: And now Ironhide is walking around carrying both halves of Jazz's corpse like... babies in the crook of his arms.  Before handing them all over to Optimus.

O: That’s not awkward at ALL! [laughs]

S: Sam, Mikaela, and Bee reunite.

O: Exposition by the Secretary of Defense lets us know that the President has ordered the end of Sector Seven and all the Decepticon remains have been dropped into the Linares Trench where the cold and water pressure should keep them entombed.

[I don’t know if we misheard this when we were watching the movie or what, but according to TF Wiki it was the Laurentian Abyss, I’m really not sure where we got Linares from. ~O]

S: [sighs] Later, at yet another sunset, um…

O: [laughs] There's so many of those in this movie!  Optimus Prime closes out the movie, leaving us with a message of questionable hope and alerting any remaining Autobots that they may come to Earth.

S: We'll see some of them in the next movie.  Um...

O: But this is all while Sam and Mikaela are getting hot and heavy on top of Bumblebee’s windshield.

S: Yup.  That's- that's a person guys!  Maybe don't make out on top of him unless this is some sort of really weird three-way.  Which, ok, maybe not so weird if they're into that, but I don't think they discussed it.

O: [laughs] All the other Autobots in the background are totally watching too, so it just sort of feels like, extra level of creepy.

S: Yeah.  It really does.  I'm just shaking my head.  And um-

O: That's this movie in a nutshell, man.

S: The credits roll as the incredibly soothing tones of Linkin Park uh, they- they play and they escort us out of this movie.

O: So let mercy come, except for Decepticons because they don't deserve it according to this movie.

S: A few other scenes are cut into the credits.

O: Mostly involving Sam's parents.

S: It's really unimportant.

O: We do see Starscream escape into space though.

S: So, what are our conclusions?

O: Watching the Bumblebee movie and the entirety of Transformers Prime will get you everything that was pleasant about this movie and be a more enjoyable experience.  Maybe go do that instead? The Prime designs even seem at least loosely based on some of the live-action designs, you know some of the elements [of them] that I actually liked.  Real talk? It introduced some interesting concepts, but overall I hated it pretty much the entire time I was watching it. Specs?

S: I would have preferred to see a different movie, perhaps involving some of these characters but not all of them.  Um, specifically I would have liked to see something starring Mikaela, Maggie, Glen, and Miles. Miles would have definitely been like, just you know, the random straight man who has no idea what the hell's going on.  While the other three are hyper- well they're all hyper competent at something, and then the soldiers could have been interesting secondary characters too.

But you know, there were really too many characters in this movie for anyone to have a complete character arc. So it would work better with a smaller cast, maybe just focusing on the first four that I mentioned?  Either that or having a TV series with the soldiers coming in as liaisons with the military kind of like Fowler from Prime. Some sort of buddy comedy with the first four or just a more- actually, something with more of the tone of Prime as a TV series-

O: Yeah.

S: - would have- would have worked well.

O: So like, what robots would you want to see in that?

S: Uh, I mean, if I was going to keep the Bayverse robots... I just want to see more characterization from them and better writing.  But if I could have any character, G1 based Ratchet, uh, maybe Hot Rod or Bumblebee for you know, kid appeal.  If I was gonna pick between live-action Bumblebees, I'd go with the Bumblebee [movie] Bumblebee.

O: Yeah, he was definitely better.

S: A G1 based Wheeljack, Cyberverse Grimlock.  Uh, if it was something that was gonna be more lighthearted, maybe the Rescue Bots, particularly Blades.  Cuz I would like a flight frame in there.

O: Yeah.

S: And… so- Optimus, even if he's only someone who shows uh, sometimes?

O: Periodically, yeah.

S: Optimus would be good.  If this was going to be a heavier thing, keep the Rescue Bots off.  And, I mean, if we're going- going back to the Bayverse thing, if we're going to stick with Bayverse Autobots, just give them screen time and character development.  And also Bayverse Arcee, specifically, the design for the toy from the first movie, even if she was pink.

O: Fair.

S: But as it stands, [sighs] the Bayverse Autobots in this movie are just... Optimus is impatient, Ironhide really likes his guns, Rachet is tactless, and Bumblebee is immature.  And then Jazz is the only person who seemed to actually learn about human social customs in some- in some manner. He doesn't destroy as much shit as everyone else.

O: Yeah, Jazz was definitely the best one.

S: He was!  And then he- then they killed him, he died!  It’s just like, why did you do that?

B: [sigh]

S: If you're going to have characters, please give them screen time and don't kill them.

O: What a concept!  I guess that leaves me to fill out the Cons for this cast.  Uh, Megatron obviously, uh, G1 or Prime. Probably Prime if I had to pick one because they- again, I feel like the Prime characters lend themselves reasonably well to a more, kind of realistic plot.  Soundwave, probably Prime, again feel like he fits better into this. Uh, he needs some of the cassettes though, which Prime didn't really have, but I definitely want Ravage, cuz I love Ravage. Uh, Knockout because he's fun, and snarky.  Um, it's not Cons without a Starscream, so Starscream. But similar what you said, I would literally take just fleshing out the Cons in the Bayverse, because they had so little screenshin- screenshine?

S: [laughs]

O: They had so little screen time, and just no personality, and it was just... depressing!

S: The most screen time that we had for any of them would be Blackout at the beginning, where he's basically just shooting things-

O: Yeah, but he didn't even have any lines!

S: Yeah, and then…

O: Like, in fact, so few of them had lines!

S: Yeah.

O: Like, the way- even the Decepticons, most of the time when they talk, they talked in Cybertronian even.

S: Yeah.

O: And it was translated, it was just like, “On our way,” or, “Megatron has been found.”  It wasn't even- it wasn't character, it was just a statement!

S: Yeah, like none of them had personality and that’s just so disappointing.

O: It really is.

S: [sighs] And it's- we have fanfiction recommendations.

O: Yeah, I know we didn't do this with the other specials but because there is actually fanfic based on the live-action stuff, we kind of thought it was more applicable here.

S: Alright, so the first one is, “The Princess is in Another Castle,” by Bibliotecaria_D.  It's in the mov- the Bayverse continuity, obviously. Uh, rating, PG-13. It's got- it has past slash, so it's not a general fic.  Parings, uh, past Mikaela Banes and Sam Witwicky. Um, characters, Mikaela Banes. And in summary, “Mikaela Banes is waiting” That's- that's the long and short of the summary folks.

O: [laughs]

S: But it's really good!  It’s-

O: It's basically... what did happen to Mikaela, after her and Sam broke up?  And it- and it feels like this very good character development thing for her and it feels- it feels good to read.  Like it feels like- yes, this feels like something the character would have done and it it really gives her more depth than the movies ever did.

S: More depth and agency.

O: Agency, she has goals- that aren’t Sam oriented.

S: Um-hm.

O: It's really nice, I really recommend it.

S: I should reread it it's been a while.

O: I do recommend it like, I’ve read it multiple times because I thought it was really good.

S: Yeah.  So the the rec for it is Mikaela and it's a one shot.  And so our next one is- would you like to talk about it or would you prefer me?

O: I'm gonna talk about it, and I'll kind of explain why I maybe can't give the best in-depth explanation of it.  But uh, our other fanfic suggestion is, “Towards Peace”. It is by ariealbots, the continuity is Bay movies, if- they bring in elements of IDW, it's rated T.  It is slash, but believe me when I say I'm not gonna read this entire list. I'll just tell you kind of the top ones are Megatron/Optimus, Megatron/Ultra Magnus, Optimus Prime/Shockwave, Mikaela Banes/Bumblebee/Sam Whitwicky- so they actually are a trine in this like, they're- they're a poly relationship-

S: Um-hm.

O: -as far as I can tell.  Um, characters... there are so many!  I- like, it would have been absurd for me to try to list them all but basically the Bayverse cast, you get elements of some of the IDW characters thrown in, like Verity.  You get some of the Bumblebee characters thrown in like you actually get Charlie. Um, and they're pairing up essentially with all the bots that are still on Earth and it's really- it's really great cuz I think Charlie gets uh, teamed up with Skyfire?  So like, the- the Russian jet not like the Skyfire from G1.

S: Oh, the guy for the second movie?

O: Yes!  Like-

S: That’s Jetfire.

O: Jetfire, thank you!  I knew the name wasn’t exactly the same and I kept forgetting.  Skyfire actually shows up as a separate character in this and he's more based off G1 and IDW.  But yeah, she- she sort of is paired up with Jetfire and- and it's really lovely and I like it. [laughs]

[Okay, to make this all the more confusing, he’s called Jetstorm in this particular fic, so I just got this wrong in all the ways.  ~O]

S: Except he's not Russian in the second one he's an SR-71 Blackbird.

O: He has a Russian accent.

S: Ah, ok.

O: I don't know why-

S: Well-

O: Like- like it it makes more sense when I read it but-

S: Okay.

O: But anyway in summary, heh, “At the climax of the Battle of Mission City the AllSpark is pushed into Megatron's chest and instead of killing him it does what it was made for, it transforms.  After millennia of slow descent into madness brought by programming corruption the Lord Protector Megatron finds his mind suddenly restored but the memory of what he's done cannot be washed away.  With the war brought to a violent halt both Autobots and Decepticons must learn to coexist if they want to reunite their civilization and restore their dying world.”

S: I like that summary.

O: It's... good and obviously it's because, Bayverse, and it took place right after the first movie so I wanted to recommend it here.  Um, it is multi chapter, it's still ongoing, which is kind of my caveat usually I don't like recommending things unless they’re finished.  And I actually have a hard time following this one- reading it, partially because I have a hard time telling any of the Bayverse bots apart.

Like, I think, I'm actually gonna have an easier time reading it now, now that I had to like, sit down and fucking disect the Bayverse movie, so I'm gonna be really happy to go back and read it.  Um, I think it's pretty safe to assume a bunch of the pairings are like past and stuff, because like, I- I haven't seen hide nor hair of Ultra Magnus yet. Um, but- but anyway it's- it is good and like, the stuff I've read I described it as like, having this very kind of sweet pervasive kindness to it and softness to it which was really nice.  Uh, it was done as part of a Big Bang, I think?

S: Hmm…

O: The Big Bang event.  Like I said, they're not finished yet but I'm interested to see what they do and- and I'd liked a few of the like, characters and relationships particularly kind of with the humans and whatever kind of bot or bots they're kind of closest with.

Like I said with Charlie I'm pretty sure it was uh, Jetfire.  I think Verity might have actually been with Barricade, don't quote me on that because I could totally be wrong but- but I liked it, like it was good on that level.  Um, it's just I'm like, I haven't finished it yet and I haven't even read the most recent stuff so I'm always a little hesitant to recommend stuff I haven't finished reading so you know, with a grain of salt.  But I like what I read.

S: I’m going to have to go look at that, because it does sound nice.

O: It- it- just… I love that a concept.  God forbid, I cannot keep the Bayverse characters straight to save my life.  Uh, Jazz comes back to life though. [laughs]

S: Nice.

O: Because Megatron basically start- like he- he touches Jazz and so Jazz is better now.  “I got better!”

S: [laughs]

O: Uh, but- but he can also sense where like, a lot of the living Cybertronians are so like that's how they actually- they actually go get Skyfire who is in the Arctic in this uh, fanfic so you know, but- but it's good.  Uh... oh! Thundercracker and Skywarp are in it so you have the full- you have a full Dorito trine. Um-

B: [laugh]

O: I like my Doritos in multiple flavors, thank you very much! [laughs]

S: Cool ranch and I'm not sure what the hell Skywarp would be.

O: Uh, cheesy?

B: [laugh]

O: Anyway, happy holidays everyone and thank you for tuning in.  It's been a wild year and we're excited to keep talking about these ridiculous robots.  We will be taking a break for the rest of this month and January to enjoy the holidays but we'll be back in February with episode 26, “Attack of the Autobots!” Oh god, the Ark's only got two beds and there's about to be problems.

S: Oh my god, they were all roommates.

B: [laugh]

S: They are!

O: You’re not wrong, per se...

S: And that just about wraps it up for us today.  Remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes, or links we may have mentioned.  You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter at AftersparkPod (all one word) and various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast, such as AO3, iTunes, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, and Youtube, just to name a few.  Till next time, I'm Specs.

O: And I’m Owls.

B:  Happy holidays!

S: Toodles.

[Outro Music]

[Ending Stinger]

S: Welcome to our first anniversary special with the 2004 Transformers film.

O: That is the wrong year.

S: GAH-

B: [dissolve into laughter]

S: God dammit.

#afterspark podcast #transcript #bayverse #transformers (2007)

[loganscanons]

not a tantrum

Characters: Britney and Quest

Summary: Britney being moody and angsty and Quest checking up on her.

@romecanons

As far as Britney was concerned, there was nothing wrong with her. The self-induced isolation had nothing to do with an inability to process through confusing emotions. She’d ditched the team after the last heist because she wanted some much-needed alone time. No one could deny that the team was infuriating and a complete pain in the ass at times, and it was perfectly reasonable for Britney to hole up in a motel for a little while. She wasn’t throwing a tantrum, though. She wasn’t. And that billboard she’d doused acid slime? That wasn’t an outburst of rage. If anything, she’d improved the advertisement. The cracking and smoking mixed with the smell of acid and burning metal and plastic was incredibly satisfying. She watched as the acid ate away at the oversized photo of that smiling white woman with flawless skin and straight, perfect, shining teeth, and long, full eyelashes, and glossy lips, and hair that was too fucking shiny and smooth to be real, and—

Okay, maybe she’d been a little pissed at the billboard. But, other than that, she was fine.

Wearing an oversized sweatshirt, with the hoodie pulled forward to hide her face in the dim yellow lights that hummed above the reception desk, Britney exchanged a wad of cash for a cheap motel room. The bored woman behind the counter smelled like cigarettes and hairspray, and she barely glanced at Britney as she typed, the long nail on her forefinger clacking against the keys.

“Enjoy your stay,” the woman said nasally, giving Britney a dull look. There didn’t seem to be much life behind those blood-shot eyes. Britney took the key without a word.

She had to walk back outside to get to her room, and up a flight of steps to a veranda that lined the second-floor motel rooms. A group of drunk men, surely stumbling to the next bar or strip club, yelled a jumble of intelligible words at Britney. One voice called out above the rest.

“C’mon baby, whatcha hidin’ under there?”

Britney curled her lip in disgust. She pulled back her hoodie, revealing the yellow-green tint of her skin and her colorless eyes. If she had to spend the rest of her life looking like a monster, she might as well put it to good use. The joyful hollering of the men morphed into startled confusion and fear. Britney wanted to pelt them with some slime for good measure, but that would cause too much of a scene that she didn’t want to deal with right now.

The motel key protested going into the lock, but eventually gave way, and the door swung open with a horrific whine. Britney flicked on the light and closed the door behind her, taking in the room. Once there may have been color, but by now everything was dull yellow or brown. The wallpaper peeled in the corners and stains patterned the ceiling. The light on the nightstand flickered uneasily, sending shadows dancing across the walls.

With the number of heists the team had pulled over the past few months, Britney could afford a much nicer place to stay. She could be in a penthouse suite, overlooking a beach and crashing waves, the lights of the city dotting the peripheral. A room with fluffy white towels and soft cotton sheets. An enormous high definition television and a bathroom with tiles that gleamed and reflected anything that passed.

Small and cheap was better for a girl like Britney. There was no chance of seeing herself reflected in the dulled, dirty tiles of this bathroom. No television to broadcast beautiful men and women overreacting about menial problems that could never compare to the shit she’d been through. The greenish tinge of her sweat would be indiscernible on the already-stained yellowed bedsheets. Mutant sweat might be the least gross bodily fluid on that bed.

Once this place would have disgusted her. Now, she could think of nowhere more fitting. Except maybe a sewer. A sewer where the slime of the walls could match the slime that slipped off her in her moroseness. Maybe she’d make friends with the supposed alligators that lurked in the disgusting water, or a pack of oversized rats.

There was a chance she was being dramatic right now, but if she’d spent a second to dwell on that possibility, she would’ve decided that dramatics were completely justifiable.

Britney dumped a duffle bag full of stolen magazines and make-up onto the plain desk against the wall. Only about a foot and a half separated the desk and the full-sized bed that took up most of the room. She plopped down into the plastic desk chair and set to work, opening the first magazine her fingers touched. Stealing full purses worth of make-up would never be as enjoyable as destroying entire warehouses full of make-up products, but it brought her some satisfaction. Especially when she used the stolen products as an outlet for her anger. She stabbed the point of a knife into palettes of eyeshadow and blush, assaulted and marred the smiling faces in her magazines with eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick, turned each flawless face of beauty into something monstrous. Something like her.

Turning the page of her third magazine, Britney was greeted by another smiling face. This triggered something in her that the others hadn’t. All of the airbrushed smiles infuriated her, but this one was the worst yet. The rage hit her with a jolt. The woman, a young woman, probably not yet twenty, looked like Britney. Not Britney now. Britney with clear, human-colored skin, and soft, strawberry blonde hair.

With a small shriek, Britney stabbed the magazine repeatedly. The knife tore through the pages and sank into the desk, leaving marks in the cheap wood. She didn’t care. She stabbed until the woman on the page was nothing more than shredded glossy paper. For good measure, she spit on the page, leaving a glob of green-ish saliva.

Britney reached to toss that magazine into the trash. There was nothing left of it to destroy. She had her wrist bent to chuck the magazine aside when she heard a noise. Tensing, she froze, listening carefully. This motel didn’t reside in a nice area, so disturbing noises had reached her ears since she’d arrived, but this one was different. The noise of someone or something trying to be quiet, followed by too much silence, like a teenager sneaking back into their house after a night partying, and freezing when the second to last stair creaked beneath their foot.

Then a scraping noise came from the same area, near the window. Britney rotated the knife in her hand, holding it with the sharp edge of the blade angled away from her. In her other hand, she produced a glob of slime, the shape of her fingers melting away into an oozing green liquid. She tip-toed across the room and plastered herself against the wall, beside the window.

--

Quest hadn’t thought twice when Britney unexpectedly vanished two weeks ago. She could be the poster child for angsty teenagers, and he figured she just wanted some time to let off steam. It happened to all of them. One of them would go missing for a week and return in better spirits. If they were worried, they could track one another by the carnage they left in their wake, keeping tabs to make sure their team member wasn’t dead or in danger. Which is one of the ways he found Britney. The acidic, steaming holes left in billboards were useful breadcrumbs.

If anyone else had gone M.I.A., Quest wouldn’t have paid so much attention. This was Britney, though. From his first day on the team, he had an affinity for her that he couldn’t quite explain. At first, it was fascination. Britney resented her powers and everything she’d become. Quest admired her power and found it interesting that she didn’t. The fascination evolved into genuine liking. Quest enjoyed Britney’s presence, even with all of her moaning and complaining. So, when a week passed and Britney still hadn’t returned, he decided to go looking for her.

Following the destructive breadcrumbs, and a few leads from his family’s underground network of spies, Quest found Britney easily enough. She’d committed some petty thefts at Walgreens and CVS pharmacies, as well as some make-up stores, hopping from motel to motel as she did so. At each hotel he’d been just a little too late, but this time, he’d found her before she left. He slid the motel room window up and climbed gracefully inside the room.

Only to be met with a knife in his face and a raised fist of oozing slime. Not steaming slime, so he was in no danger of losing his skin, but it would still be unpleasant.

“It’s been a while since anyone has greeted me with a knife,” Quest said. “You sure know the way to a man’s heart.”

“Through his ribcage,” Britney quipped flatly, lowering her arms. “What the fuck, Q?”

“Nice to see you too,” he said, closing the window as Britney stepped back to let him in.

“You couldn’t have just knocked on the door?” she asked. “I could’ve stabbed you.”

“Eh, I’d be fine,” Quest said. “Would you have let me in if I knocked on the door?” he asked.

“No,” she said flatly. She didn’t want to see anyone, including Quest.

“That’s why I didn’t knock,” he said.

Quest crossed the short length of the room, his eyes drawn to the mess on the desk. Britney felt a ripple of anxiety, followed by a wave of anger. He was invading her personal space and examining things that were supposed to be her secret way of venting. Why was he here? He needed to leave.

“Nice art project,” Quest said, touching his forefinger to a destroyed eyeshadow palette. A residue of purple, glittery dust covered the tip of his finger. He rubbed the dust away with his thumb, watching with what Britney thought was a weird amount of interest as the eyeshadow fell away.

“Will you leave.” It wasn’t a question the way Britney said it.

“I just got here,” Quest said, picking up a magazine.

Britney was beside him a second later, still brandishing the knife.

“Maybe I should just stab you anyway,” she suggested, pressing the tip against the side of Quest’s neck. He leaned back slightly but made no indication of fear or concern.

“Stabbing. That’s romantic,” he said, with a distracted air. He placed the magazine back on the desk and then peered closely at the photo that was stabbed into ribbons.

Britney rolled her eyes, pretending that her heart hadn’t started to beat a little faster, and then said, “Fucking leave, Q.”

“I came to see you,” he said, touching the destroyed magazine.

“I don’t want to be seen,” she said. “I want you to go away. An-and stop looking through my shit!”

Britney pushed him away from the desk and blocked the mess that covered it with her body. The action broke his reverie and his eyes didn’t drift back to the table. Instead, he gazed at her face, eyes moving slowly over her features. He always looked her right in the face, and it unnerved her. Never with disgust. Usually with what seemed to be mild interest. Britney felt like Quest was taking her apart and figuring out every secret she’d ever had when he looked at her like that.

This time though, he looked concerned. Quest was a master at masking his true emotions and replacing them with anything that would help him get his way. But this didn’t seem like a mask. Britney spent enough time around him to accurately guess what he might be feeling. It helped that he was more candid around Britney than he was around anyone else. He still never showed exactly what he was feeling, but enough that Britney was learning how to read him.

There was a slight, angled bow of his brows and a glimmer of softness in his eyes, suggestive of concern. Quest made no effort to hide it. The silence grew heavier and thicker for Britney the longer Quest gazed at her like that. No more than a foot separated them, and Britney wasn’t used to having anyone so close to her, unless it was Will or Dev making an effort to annoy her, or one of the girls showing some gesture of sisterly affection. And occasionally, Quest, with a flirting, possessive intent.

Britney was about to snap or yell at him, anything to dissipate the silence, when Quest’s expression turned neutral again, any trace of emotion melting away. He stepped back and sat down on the bed.

Quest started spending time with the team more out of curiosity than anything else. He wasn’t raised to work in team settings or to trust anyone else’s judgement. Joining the team offered him a challenge. To his surprise and horror, he started to care for the train-wreck teenagers, especially Britney. There was just something about her. Quest prided himself on his ability to remain detached. In hindsight, he should’ve known the day he met Britney that she was going to ruin that.

Britney was never happy, not really. The closest she got to happiness was the high that hit her when she destroyed things. But right now, she was worse than usual, and that bothered Quest. The sickly tone of her skin was more sallow, and the color of green bruises marked her under eyes. The muscles beneath her black, long-sleeved leotard were taut and tense. Not like she was ready to attack. More like she wouldn’t know how to relax her muscles if she tried.  

Except for the rare occasions when Britney was in a truly good mood, her reactions could be unpredictable. Anything could set her off. Quest knew that, and he’d learned to read her moods and could usually guess when he’d only make things worse. He wasn’t sure now. Clear indications of her current anger covered the desk behind her. But she hadn’t kicked him out yet. Risking ticking her off, Quest stood again, and reached his hand to her face, gently pinching her chin between his thumb and forefinger. His knuckles brushed against the spot where her chin met her neck. Britney jerked her head up, a defiant gesture, but she didn’t push his hand away.

“Britney,” Quest said softly. He almost asked her what was wrong but changed his mind before the words could reach his lips. “This place is a dump. Let’s go somewhere else.”

Now she did bat his hand away.

“No,” she said. “I’m fine here. It’s a good place for me.”

“This isn’t a good place for anyone,” Quest said, glancing around the cramped space and wrinkling his nose. “Actually, it might be a good place to torture someone. Just being here would be a form of torture. Other than that, it’s no good for anyone.”

He looked back to her face. The horrid flickering yellowing light wasn’t doing her any favors. Even so, he found himself drawn to her. Her lips, the purple-ish black color of blood pooling under the skin after death, were downturned and pouting. She frowned at the floor.

“I’m not going back to the theatre,” Britney said, glancing up but keeping her chin down, so her colorless eyes glared up through her eyelashes.

“Okay,” Quest said. “I have somewhere else we can go.”

“Of course you do,” Britney grumbled.

With a grimace, Quest added, “I can leave you there if you want to be alone. I just don’t like the idea of you being in this disgusting hellhole.”

“Fine,” Britney said tartly. She didn’t know the grimace was because Quest wanted to stay with her.

#i stopped putting effort into this like halfway through oops #my writing #britney hilt #quest han

[death-rebirth-senshi]

YEAH I'M CALLING BULLSHIT ON YPUR ALLIGATOR TEARS AKIO, you don't give a fuck about Anthy, you cannot feel her pain because she is literally taking it in your place. And when the plan fails, he says, oh well, the rose bride is still mine. Immediately back to Anthy as an object, his tool. (And I kind of wonder...does he "own" the rose bride because he beat Utena, or has he always (and will always) owned her, and the duels for her engagement just sort of...window dressing, misdirection. Or is the owning here even as literal as it was with the duels? Does he simply mean Anthy will "willingly" always be his?)

"Maybe if I tried no one would need to get hurt" I mean yeah how about that

Near as I can grasp, these duels are unnecessary. The pain Anthy is currently enduring is unnecessary. Akio is hosting these duels in pursuit of a sword that will break the seal and restore his power; what he wants with that power is uncertain, but it doesn't seem to be to help Anthy at all, though the prince says it could well be done.

And there's something so...the power is for him and him alone. He's the one who gets to decide what's done with the power. He's the only one who could possibly unlock it, ignoring that Utena has been channeling this power of miracles from the get go. He just takes her sword, her feelings or what have you, and just fucking stabs at the door until it shatters, and thinks, oh well, I the prince have done all I possibly could, go ahead and try it Utena lol.

I don't think there's quite a straight answer when it comes to this power of dios, what it is and where it came from (Anthy seems to have a piece of it?); but presumably, it's power he had before, and it wasn't enough. This power to grant miracles and revolutionize the world couldn't solve all of the world's problems, thus Anthy had to seal it away. And perhaps that says something about the world and greed and humanity and dissatisfaction, that good stuff, but perhaps that also says something about only a single person having ownership of this power.

And/or even just the world depending too much on a miracle; and also the concept that miracles require sacrifice. But Anthy and Utena are the ones beaten and bloodied while Akio's like, eh, oh well, we'll get it next time. He's not risking, sacrificing for this power to grant miracles he wants. Maybe it would be better for everyone if that power stayed right where it was. Maybe it was always only ever an empty promise. But Utena manages to help one person, the witch who cannot be saved. And it all comes crumbling down with that miracle, so.

#me vs Utena