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boldlyvoid · 3 years

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Amoreena | Chapter Eighteen

Amoreena Chapter Eighteen

main summary: Heaven is a real place and it's located exactly 14.6 miles away from the FBI, Quantico Headquarters. Off behind a small park, under a fantastical willow tree surrounded by wildflowers, in every colour young minds can imagine.

Don't forget, heaven also comes with angels.

Chapter Warnings: hospital visits, fainting, IV's and ultrasounds!

word count: 5k

from the beginning <3

Y/N heads off to work at 8 on Wednesday, sick and miserable but it's her job. Leaving Spencer with the girls. “So, what are our plans for today?”

“We need to pick up some paint samples so we can pick for my room,” Jo replies, shovelling waffles into her mouth right after with syrup dripping down her chin.

Spencer passes her a napkin with a smile, “do you guys want to go visit my friend Penelope? She’s really good with aesthetics, as she calls them, she’ll be able to help the best.”

“She’s the one you told me about?”

Spencer nods, “yeah, I’m just going to call and see if she’s free today. Put your dishes in the dishwasher after, your mom doesn’t need to come home from work to do the sticky dishes okay?”

“Yes sir,” they both groan, jokingly, smiling at each other as they do so.

He runs up to his bedroom then, sitting on his side of the bed and taking his phone out of his pocket. He dials Luke’s number instead, knowing she’d kill him if she’s still asleep while he’s calling her.

“Hey man!” Luke answers, cheerful and very awake. “How’s the new kid?”

“Jo’s great, she’s settling in really well,” He smiles, news travelled fast in the BAU, “I actually want to introduce her to Penelope, is she awake and willing to take visitors this early?”

“Um,” he can hear Luke’s panic through the phone, “you know, here she’s beside me, she can tell you.”

“Hello, Spencer,” Penelope’s voice carries down the line and invoking a smile on Spencer’s face. “What’s up?”

“I wanted to introduce you to Josephine today, are you busy?”

“We have a doctor's appointment to go to in 10 minutes, but we’ll be home around 10:30?”

His brain stalls, malfunctioning a small amount at why Luke would be going to the doctors with Penelope. “You can’t be pregnant too, me you and Derek can’t all have kids the same age.”

“Savannah’s pregnant too?!” Penelope screams down the line, “holy shit.”

“Penelope!” Spencer shouts, “are you kidding me?”

“No, we were going to tell you soon, when you made that wine comment a few weeks ago I knew she was pregnant because I am too,” Penelope’s voice is so soft he knows she’s smiling on the other side.

She always wanted kids, that’s why she spoiled Henry and Hank so much, they were like her honorary babies until she was in the right place to have kids of her own. She has told Spencer time and time again how much she wants a family, how badly she wanted one but couldn’t find the perfect partner… then she met Luke.

“Put Luke back on,” Spencer sounds sterner than he means to, Penelope puts him on speaker instead.

“Are we going to have the father-to-son chat?” Luke teases him through the phone.

“I just wanted to thank you, this is going to be a really cool experience,” Spencer feels incredibly emotional at the thought of all 3 of their kid's meeting and being best friends.

“You just bumped Spencer to the top of my suggestions list,” Luke jokes in response, not able to handle the sappiness this early in the morning. “Thanks, man, So Derek’s going to be a dad again too?”

“I wasn’t supposed to tell you,” Spencer feels a bit like an idiot, “I don’t know how far along they are so just keep it a secret for now.”

“She’ll probably tell me when I tell her,” Penelope rationalized it, “it’s fine, Spence, all of us are having babies it’s a good secret to spill.”

“When are you due?”

“January 29th,” Penelope smiles, “you?”

“Y/N doesn’t know for sure, but she’s thinking it’s February 20th, if she got her math right,” Spencer confirms with a smile, “we have a doctor's appointment to see the little one in 2 weeks.”

“We find out if it’s a boy or girl today,” Luke added, and he can hear Penelope smack him.

“We’re not finding out! I want it to be a surprise!”

“I’m going to find out, I’m going to stare that sonogram down till I see a pee-pee or not,” Luke bickered back. Making her furious on purpose, like always.

“Good luck with that, it’s a blob and you’re a dork,” she fought right back, probably even more feisty now that she was pregnant.

That made Spencer just shake his head, he couldn’t even picture it. It was insane when Haley got pregnant and Hotch became a dad, he was so shocked when JJ got pregnant and her small body was able to do it. He’ll never forget seeing Derek become a father, it was way too eventful not to. But this, he never thought he’d see it.

She probably felt the same with him.

“We’ve got to go in now Spence, but we can pick up some brunch and meet you at ours around 11?” Penelope cut into his awkward silence, “you can see the ultrasound and be the first to know.”

“Sounds good, I’m really happy for you, Penny,” Spencer added with a smile. “Bye.”

“Bye!”

After he hangs up he shoots a text over to Y/N, “taking the girls to Penelope’s house, is there an extra booster seat for Amoreena anywhere?” And slides his phone back into his pocket.

Down the stairs, Jo and Amoreena are doing the dishes instead of just placing them in the dishwasher. Amoreena is on a stool, washing the plates as Jo dries and is able to reach the cabinets better to put them away. They don’t even know he’s there watching as they pass plates back and forth.

Then Amoreena jumps off the stool as the water drains, finally turning around to see her dad, “all clean! Mom shouldn’t have to do anything while she’s making a baby.”

Spencer couldn’t stop smiling, his girls were so perfectly kind and caring. It was like he won the genetic lottery being blessed with them.

“She’d really appreciate us keeping the house clean for the next few months,” Spencer agreed. “Are you guys excited or nervous about the baby?”

They both shrugged and moved in closer to the counter, resting against it as they thought it over. He pressed his lips together awkwardly as he waited, “I’m really nervous.” He announced, watching their faces turn to worry.

“Why?” Jo asked, “You’re really good at being a dad.”

“I haven’t done it from the beginning yet,” he’s open and honest with them, letting them know he doesn’t always have every answer but he’s brave enough to try.

“If anything,” Amoreena’s smart little mind gets to work, “because you’ve been so amazing without really knowing us, I can imagine Elly will love you the most because she’ll know you the longest.”

“Elly?” Spencer smiles, remembering how serious they all are about the next kid is a girl too.

Amoreena nodded, “she has the choice of 3 nicknames, Elly, Leo or Nora…” She’s clearly thought it all through.

“You know, I was thinking we should get something for Y/N and the baby, do you guys want to go to the store before we go see aunty Penny?”

They both nod enthusiastically, “can we go get changed first?” Amoreena asks, “I want to wear something nice.”

It makes him laugh, “of course, hey, before you go do you know where any more booster seats are for you?”

She bites her lip to think, “hmm, I think there’s one in poppy’s truck?”

“Okay, you go get ready, I’ll go talk to poppy,” Spencer replies, and before he can even turn around both of them are running up the creaky, loud, wooden steps and into their rooms.

He’s already in jeans and a plaid shirt from feeding the chickens that morning, adding just his running shoes and Grandpa’s hat, it was basically his now. He loved it, it felt right, it made Y/N and Amoreena smile when he wore it, and it completed the look of stay-at-home Farm Dad.

He walked right into Y/N’s parent's house, pulling back the screen door before walking, “knock, knock,” he says, smiling as he sees Linda rounding the corner from the kitchen.

“Spencer!” She cheers, wiping her hands off on her apron before pulling him into a hug. “How are your girls?”

“Good,” he smiles again, holding her close quickly before letting her go again. “I’m taking them to a friend's house, does Amoreena have a booster seat here?” He asks for the 3rd time that morning, not wanting to drive her anywhere unless she’s perfectly secured.

“Bob’s got one in the truck, leave your keys here in case he has to go anywhere and just take the truck, it’s easier than taking the seat out and putting it back in,” Linda problem-solved like it was her job.

“Okay,” he places his keys in her hand.

“Bob’s are on the wall by the door, have fun today!” Linda waved him off, “oh, and tell Y/N congratulations.”

“Oh, thanks,” he smiled, “the wedding was really fun.”

He’s just taking the keys off the wall and opening the door again when he hears her small laughter, “I meant on the baby.”

He turns quickly, “how did you know?”

Linda shakes her head, “there are 3 cases of ginger ale in the fridge and 8 empty boxes of saltine crackers in the recycling.”

He turns pink, embarrassed for some reason as if Linda didn’t know he was sleeping with her daughter. He nods with a press-lipped smile. “She didn’t want to tell anyone till the ultrasound.”

“I understand,” Linda smiled. “I’m ready to talk to her when she is, let her know that.”

“I will,” he smiled one last time, “see you later!”

And they were off.

—

He’s in a big red farm truck, wearing a farm hat and plaid while listening to Taylor Swift with his daughters.

He can’t help but shake his head at the insanity, agreeing with Taylor’s current lyric that’s being burned into his head, “fever dream high in the quiet of the night you know that I caught it!”

Amoreena and Jo are in the back, singing together as they share what songs are their favourites. It’s surreal, every single moment is, if it wasn’t for how badly it made his heartache to see them so happy he’d think it was all a dream.

The girls are very adamant about going to TJMaxx for a present for Y/N, saying it’s the best place to find nice things for a good price. Spencer would spend a million dollars on her if he could, but this was a group decision, and there were 2 of them now, so he never won anymore.

They get a decent parking space, getting out together they look insane. Spencer is a walking talking Woody from Toy Story at this point, Jo’s in all black and combat boots and Amoreena is a princess… it was an interesting group, to say the least.

They get a cart, pushing it up and down the aisles as they find a million and 1 cute things for Y/N. Everything from paintings to towels, maternity clothes and baby toys, makeup brushes and scarves… they were having the hardest time finding the best thing to get for them.

Spencer turned down the final aisle in the back corner, seeing a bunch of headboards and chairs, and a small little bassinet. It’s whicker and woven beautifully, light wood and a fluffy white inside. It’s soft, well made, and incredibly cute.

“Mom gave my crib to Aunt Ashely, she might like this!” Amoreena cheered, leaning over it to show that she was the perfect height to see inside of it too.

“I’m going to get it,” Spencer announces, “it’ll look nice in our room, and it’s good for the first few months while she’s really dependent on your mom.”

They were all on team girl now, Spencer and his little women just made the most sense. He couldn’t see anyone other than all his girls in his mind when he thought of the future, and he’s had enough time with boys anyway. Hank and Henry would always hold a special place in his heart.

The girls each wanted t pick something out for the baby, heading right for the girl section of the baby aisle. “Now, you have to remember that they’ll be very tiny in the winter, and around 6 months in the summer.”

Everything was actually decently priced like the girls said it would be, so Spencer went a bit overboard. It was his first baby too, he was allowed to spoil it. He stocked up on bib rags, swaddle blankets, pacifiers and cute little hats. Jo and Amoreena on the other handpicked out the cutest little winter coat. It would be perfect for the Virginia winter, a big brown bear coat that zipped up like a sleeping bag. She’s going to be so cozy.

Bringing everything to the cashier was fun, she could see they were all related and smiled, “another brother or sister on the way?”

Jo and Amoreena smiled, “in February,” Jo was the one to answer with a wide smile.

“Congrats!” She smiles as she rings everything through, bagging it all while Spencer pays and the girls take it all to the truck.

“Wait, so will I ever meet my other brother and sister?” Amoreena asks as they’re filling the bed of the truck with what they bought, completely out of the blue.

“Not for a while, Jo kinda broke the rules to find me and figured out who they are, but they can’t know till they’re 18,” Spencer explained.

She turns to Jo with a look of worry, “was my name on there?”

Jo nods enthusiastically, “oh yeah! You’re baby number 3! It goes me, Alice, you and then Dylan is the youngest.”

Amoreena starts to cry, it's soft at first as she goes silent and then she’s heaving as she thinks about it more. She throws herself into Spencer’s arms and he’s so confused. Shushing her as he rubs her back gently, “what’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“I knew it,” is all she can say. Holding him closer than before. “You were too great to just be my dad.”

Jo places her hand on Spencer’s shoulder, “she’s right.”

“You guys are the amazing ones,” he says softly. “Come on, let’s get in the truck and go see Aunt Penny, she has a surprise.”

Amoreena sighed as she pulled back, “I don’t think I can handle anything more.”

It makes him laugh, “it’s a simple one, I promise.”

—

Jo loves Penelope. They instantly click, discussing exactly how she hacked the Sperm bank in all the technical terms which ended up sounding like gibberish to Spencer. She was incredibly smart and very interested in the computer programming field. Penelope offered to take her under her wing.

Amoreena, however, fell head over heels in love with Luke. He was nice to her at the barbecue because he’s Luke and he doesn’t know how to be anything but nice, and she thought he looked like Prince Naveen from the princess and the frog… which just so happened to be her favourite and suddenly Spencer understood why she was in a green princess dress today.

It was adorable, she looked up at him like he was an actual prince with big brown doe eyes as she listened to him talk about all the knightly battles he’s been on recently. She was enamoured, having her first little kid crush on her Aunt’s boyfriend.

Spencer was holding Penelope’s sonogram in his hands, alone on the couch as his kids were deep in conversation with his friends. It was really cool, that’s all he could think. Himself, Derek and Penelope were going to have 3 kids all around the same age.

3 little people who got to grow up with a bond and friendship just as strong as theirs. Each of them having 2 best friends, 2 protectors, it was going to be amazing. He can see it now, a confident little Garcia, a feisty little Morgan and a shy yet chatty little Reid baby all together on the playground. What a nightmare for their poor teacher.

Y/N still hasn’t texted him back from this morning, yet she’s calling him now at 1 pm as they’re getting ready to leave, “hello, princess.”

“Can you leave the girls with Penelope and meet me in the ER?”

“Of what hospital? Are you okay?” He asks, and all eyes are on his horrified face.

Luke stands then, “I’ll take you, let’s go.”

“Bethesda, it’s not bad I just came in to check something and I want you here,” her voice is soft and she knows he’s going to panic. “I need you to breathe and stay calm or the kids will freak out.”

He takes a deep breath, “sorry I forgot we had an appointment today.” He lies pretty well.

“I’ll see you soon okay, text me while Luke drives me?” He’s quiet as he and Luke slip out the door.

“I’ll just stay on the line, I don’t mind, cutie,” he could see her smile in his mind as he listened to her. Able to actually calm down and think straight as he climbed into the passenger seat and handed Luke the keys.

“What happened?”

“I didn’t feel good, I was extra dizzy and sick a few times at work, so Allison made me come in. Savannah has me hooked up to an IV now, I’ve been so sick I’m dehydrated, and they wanted to do an ultrasound but I can’t see her without you here.”

His heartbeat settles a bit, the same thing happened to JJ. It was fairly normal, the first-trimester sickness was so horrific she wasn’t really eating, she had maybe 1 full meal a day even though he tried to get her to eat more. And she was drinking a lot of water, but she was also throwing up hourly. It wasn’t healthy.

“Okay,” he’s able to smile softly. “Thank you for wanting to wait for me.”

She hears his smile too, knowing he’s calm and okay. “She’s your first baby, baby, I want you to have all the firsts with her. Or him. I’m so settled on it being another girl I feel so bad sometimes…”

He can hear the paper of her hospital gown rustling as she rubs her small stomach. “I love you forever even if you are a boy, or you come out a quote-unquote boy and want to be a girl or the other way or neither or even both!” She’s clearly not talking to him anymore as she assures the baby she’s not going to be upset about its gender.

Luke drives like a maniac, Spencer knows from experience but he’s extra insane today. He has dad panic now too, he knows what Spencer’s thinking and so he guns it and he’s in the ER parking lot within 10 minutes. “Okay, I’m here where are you?”

“Savannah’s going to collect you at the door and bring you to me,” her voice is soft and calm still, “I’ll see you in a few minutes, love you.”

“Love you too,” he replies before hanging up. “Thank you, Luke.”

Luke places his hand on Spencer’s shoulder, “you know by now I’d kill for you, right?”

Spencer’s heart has been at a capacity for love for a while now and yet it keeps getting piled on, “thank you. If you want to go back to Penny’s that’s okay. I’ll drive Y/N’s car back to your place.”

“Sure,” Luke smiles again. “Go see that baby, I want to see pictures after!”

With that, Spencer’s getting out of the truck and running into the hospital, holding his hat so it doesn’t fly off. Savannah laughs when she sees him, he’s so anxious and sweet and she’s always admired him for making Derek feel loved before her.

She places a hand on his back as she leads him down the hall, “she’s fine I promise, I wouldn’t be this chill if she wasn’t.”

“Thank you,” Spencer stops, “I really love her Savannah. Like if anything happens to her or my kids I will kill myself kind of love her and it’s terrifying.” His words are a whisper as he shakes, tears welling in his eyes. “I’m trying to be cool and collected for her but I need a minute.”

Savannah looks down the corridor past him, smiling softly as Derek walks out of Y/N’s room. “Derek was here for lunch when she called me.”

He wraps Spencer up in the hug he needs and Spencer just holds him. “You’re the best,” he says softly as he rests his lips against Derek's shoulder like he always does. And Derek messes up his hair, without fail.

Derek places his hands on his cheeks, “she’s really cool, but tomorrow is called off until they’re both past the first trimester and everything is chill, okay?”

“I forgot all about that,” Spencer’s eyes widen.

Derek laughs, “go see your girl, she invited us over for dinner after.”

“Penelope and Luke have to come too, they have big news to share today too,” Spencer spills the beans, “she’s going to be so mad at me for telling you but I have been wanting to scream about it for a few hours now.”

Derek’s face lights up, “I’ll be back!”

Savannah laughs as he runs down the hall, surely going to congratulate his best friend and tell her all about how cool it’ll be to all have kids together. With all the enthusiasm that Spencer kept inside, Derek was about to scream on his behalf.

Y/N’s a vision in the blue paper gown, laying on the table with her hand over her belly as Spencer walks in, “Hey, cutie.”

He peppers kisses to her whole face while she laughs, reaching up with her free hand, the other is all taped up with wires for her fluids. She looks much better already, her skin is glowing and the life is back in her eyes, she’s smiling again and he notices the 2 empty jello cups beside an unopened one.

“Derek made me save you one,” She adds as he notices it, “in case you passed out or something.”

Within minutes, he’s done his jello and there’s a new woman he’s never seen before coming in for Y/N’s ultrasound. She introduces herself as Aria and Y/N can’t help but mention she kind of looks like Arizona on Grey’s Anatomy.

She’s not far along enough for the regular ultrasound wand to pick anything up, wiping her belly clean of the jelly before prepping the other one and Y/N grips Spencer’s hand tighter. She looks like she hates it, and Spencer probably would too if some strange lady shoved a metal stick up his parts.

She’s clicking around on her own, Spencer knows she’s just a tech and she can’t really tell them anything until she does the first sweep for all the answers. She turns the screen after a few minutes, “here’s your little baby, we have a healthy heartbeat and a placenta up here in the top left.”

Seeing his baby is the most magical moment of his life. She was so tiny, the size of a sweet pea inside the love of his life. She looked like a little alien, tiny in her little sac as she floated around in there. Happy, and healthy and growing day by day.”

“Just the one?” Y/N confirms.

Aria laughs, “yes, nothing else is going on in here, but they are measuring more at 7 weeks, almost 8, instead of 6 weeks and 5 days, even with your period math, they might just be a big baby.”

“Our first kid was a chunky baby,” Y/N smiles, looking at the screen and oblivious to how Spencer smiles at the words our first kid…

“So this little one is good, in the fetal position and the tail is at the right length for development, they should look like a person the next time you see them. Everything looks like it’s on track and your HCG is doubling perfectly,” Aria was very cheerful. “You’re just sick because they’re super healthy.”

“I’m fine with that,” Y/N smiles again, “can I have a bunch of copies? Everyone is going to want one.”

“Sure,” Aria hits a few buttons, printing 11 photos off and handing them over to her in a long strand. “Have you looked into any OB’s for this one?”

“Not yet, I was going to bring it up tonight,” Y/N’s the only one talking, Spencer has no idea if he’s allowed an opinion on her body and he’s never going to give one unless she asks.

“Well, I’ll leave you to it! Here are some facilities we like if you need recommendations,” she smiles as she hands them a booklet. “Congratulations!”

“Thank you,” Y/N swoons, sitting up to look at her little baby photos and read the booklet.

Once the woman is gone, she smiles at Spencer, “I want to do a water birth, how are you feeling about that?”

“Like I’ll be there no matter what you pick?” He answers, “I just want you to be safe and in good hands, preferably in a birthing centre where they’re all trained to care for you. I’ve been a little stressed at the idea of us living so far away from the hospital, so it’s better to not do a home birth in case something goes wrong last minute.”

It’s a Reid rant of epic proportions, “okay, water birth in a birthing centre it is. Plus, it’ll be winter so I wouldn’t want to drive in that while giving birth.”

“How long do you have to stay here?”

“Once my IV fluid bag is empty, I can go.” She smiles wide, holding his hand gently as she looks at him. “They’re going to send a nurse to the library on Tuesdays and Thursdays to ensure I get more fluids in me, and I’m also going to take some nausea meds now.”

“Thank you for calling me,” Spencer whispers, “I’m so happy you feel safe with Derek, and that he could have been here for you, but can you call me first next time?”

She nods, “I was scared, I needed to know if she was okay before I told you because I love you a lot and seeing you upset made me more scared.”

“I don’t want you to feel like that,” Spencer shook his head softly, leaning in and pressing their foreheads together. “I may be a worry wort and an anxious crier, but I will hold your hand and I will be here, you mean more to me than anything else.”

She cupped his face with her free hand, “the girls better be on the same level as me.” She brings a smile to his face, “if anything happens to me you have to be strong for them, I know nothing bad will. But I need you to know I do have faith in you to keep going after me, for them. They need a parent, be it me or you, at 100% all the time.”

“I promise,” he smiles so she knows he’s true.

—

Penelope Spencer and Derek laid all 3 of their ultrasounds on Y/N’s kitchen table, a sticky note on each one. Baby Garvez, Baby Morgan and Baby Reid…

The Big Three 2.0 coming this winter.

Penelope took a photo of it, opening the BAU text thread that has all members past and present included. Sending the photo to everyone while they patiently waited for a response.

Jordan Todd: way to go!!! Can’t wait to see all that cuteness!

Anderson: !!! Bring them by the office sometime, please!

Hotch: Jack said he’s excited to meet his new cousins. Congrats guys.

Elle: is Penelope having 2 babies or did Spencer get a wife I don’t know about?

Emily: Congrats!! (And yes Spencer has a wife and 3 kids now apparently…)

Elle: pics or it didn’t happen

Spencer:

Elle: no fuckin way... congrats Reid!

Alex Blake: so proud of you Spencer, I always knew you could do it. Love is full of endless possibilities. Your kids will be so loved, I miss you all.

Matt Cruz: congrats!

Kate Callahan: we need to get you a triple stroller

Penelope: Please!! Zoo trips are going to be a riot with that!

Tara: so happy for you all!

Matt: Welcome to the club Spencer and Luke!

Kristy: and Y/N! We need to throw a big baby shower on the farm before the cold weather!

Will: JJ…

JJ: no.

Will: Spencer, tell nini I’m really happy she’s finally going to be a big sis, she’s always been so good with the kids. You made some great kids!

Spencer: thanks everyone ♥︎

tag list: @shemarmooresfedora @spencers-dria @spookyspence @reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @samuel-de-champagne-problems @jswessie187

@k-k0129 @calm-and-doctor

#spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid self insert #spencer reid request #criminal minds smut #criminal minds imagine #amoreena

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pizza-soup · 3 years

Text

Sorry I've been missing in action.

Long story short I got very injured at the labs, but I've been making a fast recovery. For the more detailed, graphic version, you can read below. Warning: Mention of hospital, blood, car accident.

As I mentioned, I got really injured at work beginning on February 21 at around 9 PM. It was during a routine check at some of the sites, one in particular needed our higher clearance because there had been a breach at a fence that past week, so I, and two other guards went to check out any tampering of the fence again. They say it might be vandals but a lot of them say it was some kind of large animal. The road to those sites are a single path through the woods, lit with a few lights, no curves, just a flat road with a hill on one side. It hadn't snowed that week either, so no fear of ice or anything. It was just a routine jeep trek.

It happened so fast. Our vehicle was knocked over, I'm not even sure how, but we were rolling in the dark down a hill, hitting trees. I remember the shouting, holding fast, and the glass. I remember crawling toward a tree and trying to sit up against it or maybe I was put there by the other guard, Dolores, I remember her telling me to stay awake. I asked her if I was dreaming. It didn't feel real. I asked what was happening to me because I couldn't move right, everything felt so slow and muffled. I passed out by the time they got us into the medical ward. I don't remember them putting me in a gown or putting in an IV. I woke up later, I buzzed the call button out of fear and pain. My whole left side was throbbing. A nurse was relieved I finally came to. She gave me pain meds and called the doctor in.

I was told there had been an accident, that much I already knew, but no one was killed, just injured. I lost a lot of blood, my uniform was soaked in it and they had to cut it off me. Part of the metal from the door frame folded in and pieced my left shoulder and I had minor cuts on my hands and arms from the glass. My blood pressure dropped so low they were scared my heart might've stopped. I was given blood, hooked up to a lot of things and I would have to stay under watch for a few days. There was a lot of tests they needed to do to figure out just how bad my injuries were.

For the next few days I was just sleeping, I couldn't sit up without feeling dizzy. I had to lay semi flat, my blood pressure was still very low. My left side was still throbbing and the stitches itched. A lot of bruises developed from being tossed around like I was, mostly on my arms because I was shielding my face and head. My minor glass cuts stung while batheing. Nurses came in every few hours to check my vitals, help me use the restroom, shower, help me eat, ect. I got so tired from the smallest things. I couldn't call anyone, my phone was in my locker. I finally got someone to help me call my brother to tell him what happened. My brother was naturally scared, he thought something happened to me and he was sad to know he was right. He wanted to see me, but he couldn't, I was in the medical ward on lab property. He wanted to call our mom to tell her but I told him to wait, there was a possibility that I might be transferred to a local hospital where they can visit me, and I didn't want her panicking and trying to drive up here in bad weather. It's best she waited til things cleared up.

After the first week I was transferred to a local hospital after getting a bunch of tests done. No brain trauma, no broken bones, no blood sugar issues or thyroid problems. I could sit up in bed by then and eat on my own. I still couldn't walk very well without feeling really dizzy, again, low blood pressure. A lot of minor bruises were fading away. I never had my anemia officially confirmed, but they confirmed it and had me take daily iron and placed on a blood building diet in the new hospital. I was tested for covid, I came out clear.

My brother and mom visited me daily, and the other doctor said I was recovering really quickly, that gave us a lot of hope. I could be out of there by a few days, though my blood pressure was worrying her. Seems it wasn't so much the blood loss, but that it might have been an underlying condition already linked to my untreated anemia. She would get the in-house dietitian to include a bit more natural sea salt to my iron rich diet, as well as tell me what I should eat at home and that I need to drink a lot more water than I normally did. This is a problem I've had for awhile, I forget to drink enough water. The doctor warned me I better remedy that immediately especially with low BP. My mom was already taking notes. She really wanted to just take me home already. I really liked her being there, I'm not that shy about my body, but I honestly felt better having my mom bathe me and comb my hair instead of strangers doing that. She was also a lot more gentle around my stitches and bruises.

Eventually I did come home, I still needed a lot of rest and help getting out of bed. I had to fight the urge to clean house, help with groceries, ect. I'm so used to being self sufficient. I felt so frustrated that just walking around the room would tire me out, when I'd hike for miles just a few months ago. I was tired of sleeping and sitting down. But there wasn't much else I could do. I did a lot of origami, my bro got me a coloring book, I watched a lot of movies, took my iron -which is nasty btw-, ate meals that were saltier than I normally would prepare but my taste buds would have to adjust. I was happy my new diet included a lot of fish though.

I did have some close calls. I really thought I could stand up in the shower instead of sitting, and wound up calling for my mom to help me up after collapsing. I collapsed again when I was trying to cook dinner for myself. My face, according to my mom, was drained of color and my breathing was shallow. I felt so dizzy and nauseated. She nearly wanted to call the hospital again. My bro said I was pushing myself too hard and I always had a problem with not asking for help. That I needed to learn to stop being so damn stubborn and rest. To anyone else, that sounds harsh, but he knows me way too well, probably better than our mom. I do have that problem, I do push myself too much. After that, I decided to be more patient with myself. I was sick and might be sick for awhile.

This week I'm doing a lot better. I can do my daily things now, I even went to get groceries and take a little walk to the river. But I can't over do it, I can't stand up or walk for too long, and I can't lift anything heavy, otherwise I get bouts of dizziness and need to sit down. The pain isn't as bad on my back anymore though it's still very sore, my arms, especially my left side, have a dull pain. I can't sleep on my back and left side, only my right and on my stomach. A lot of the cuts on the back of my arms and hands have scabbed over, minor bruises are gone but major ones on my shoulder and neck are still pretty dark and tender. I'm still finding glue spots on my chest and stomach from the medical tape and the EKG patches they put on me, but a bit of lotion is taking it off. My stitching, according to my mom, is definitely going to leave a pretty bad scar above my shoulder blade, but it's fine. My body has a lot of scars here and there from close calls, but I consider them ' Marks of Life'. They're proof I survived and thrived.

It'll take time for me to really feel like I'm back to normal. My mom refuses to go back home until I make a full recovery. She hasn't tended to me like this for a long time, mainly because I rarely get sick. I trait from my dad's side. We don't get colds or flus for years, no history of cancer, heart issues or diabetes, and his family usually remain active to their elderly years, not to mention our graceful aging. My dad used to say it was our native blood, we're just built tougher. The only thing that could kill us is getting injured like this. God, he'd be so worried about me though. I remember how he'd fuss over me when I skinned my knee as a child or got my allergies. If he was alive, he'd probably refuse to let me do anything out of bed, but then that's exactly what I should be doing anyway.

I got a report on the other guards health yesterday. Dolores and Elijah. She was the least hurt out of all of us, just a dislocated arm, mild whiplash, and some really bad glass cuts on her chest and arms, she's home recovering with her husband and kids. Elijah was the driver and got knocked unconscious with a bad concussion, his entire left arm was sliced by glass and metal, he lost a lot of blood like me and is recovering just as slow as I am. He opted to stay in the lab medical ward because he doubts his roommate can care for him at home, he's on a lot of pain meds, so he sounded distant on the phone. I think out of all of us, he's going to take the most time to recover. I told him I'd pray for him and if he wants, I can visit. He appreciated that a lot. I thanked Dolores for helping us that night, she was the one trying her best to keep us alive and sent the distress signal on our ARK devices so they could find us in the dark. Without her, I think we would've bled to death.

God, it feels like a distant nightmare. I still can't figure out how we were knocked off the road like that. Something hit us out there and it was strong. I felt the impact in the backseat, but I didn't see it. Dolores says it looked like a bear, but bears aren't that strong. Eli says he saw horns, so maybe a bison. Bison are that strong, especially against a little jeep. The incident is still under investigation. The lab is also very concerned about how this happened. It's possible the same thing that hit us, has been tampering with the fence.

One less thing to worry about is the hospital bill, the accident happened on lab grounds, everything is taken care of through them, probably because they don't want to get sued. They are giving us another two weeks before we report back in to the doctor for another round of tests and physical tests, as well as check to see if my stitches were still secure. Our return to work solely depends on our results, we may not be able to come back until late April. They really want to be sure we're okay. Because I'm an 'Ophanim' aka Tier 3 guard, I'll also be given a mental test before being hooked back into Selene. They just want to be sure there's no cognition issues and I can sync properly to her. I may have to do a refresher since I've been away for so long, but I'll worry about that when it comes.

Well, if you read this far, thanks. I hope I didn't scare you all too much. I am doing a lot a better though, I promise. I'm getting stronger everyday, though activity on this blog will be slow. Send me some prayers, good vibes, whatever. I'd really appreciate anything. Hope you've had a good month, better than mine hopefully.

#Update #medical trauma #accident tw #injury tw #daily update

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katehuntington · 5 years

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Title: Ride With Me (part 11) Fandom: Supernatural AU Characters series: Reader, Dean Winchester, Bobby Singer, Ellen Singer-Harvelle, Jo Singer (Harvelle), Benny Lafitte, Garth Fitzgerald IV, Ash Miller, Castiel Novek, and many more. Timeline: 2008 Pairing: Dean x Reader Word count: ±6400 words Summary series: Y/N is a talented horse rider who is on her way to become a professional. In order to convince her father that she deserves the loan needed to start her own farm, she goes to Arizona for six months, to intern at a ranch owned by Bobby and Ellen Singer. Her future is set out, but then she meets a handsome horseman, who goes by the name of Dean Winchester. A heartwarming series about a cowboy who falls for the girl, letting go of the past and the importance of family. Summary part 11: The company of wranglers sets up camp for the night. After spending the evening sharing stories and music around the fire, Dean has another shot to win Y/N over. Will he take it? Warnings series: NSFW, 18+ only! Fluff, angst, eventually smut. Swearing, smoking, alcohol intoxication, alcohol abuse. Mutual pining, heartbreak. Crying, nightmares, childhood trauma. Description of animal abuse, domestic violence, mentions of addiction. Financial problems, stress, mental breakdown. Description of blood and injury, hospital scenes, character death, grief. Music: The Weight - Jason Manns & the cast, Desire - Ryan Adams, Ada Plays - Gabriel Yared (final scene). Check out ‘Kate Huntington’s Ride With Me playlist’ on Spotify! Author’s note: Thank you @kittenofdoomage and @girl-with-a-fandom-fettishfor helping me. You girls are awesome betas. Thank you for your endless patience! Author’s note 2: In a paragraph of this chapter, Apache Indians are mentioned. This does not reflect my (or my beta’s) opinion on them.

Ride With Me Masterlist

It takes the six riders another seven hours to reach Willow Spring. The rough terrain forces them to move cautiously, especially since some members of the fellowship have little experience with these kinds of circumstances. Another reason for the slow time could very well be that Y/N halts every once every so often, simply gaping at the amazing panorama. The views are absolutely breathtaking, the young woman from Freeport has never seen anything like it. Drops that would give fear of heights a new definition, wide-open spaces that make her feel so small in this incredible world. Old volcanic remnants emerged from the depths of the earth more than a hundred thousand years ago and still stand tall today. African daisies and brittlebush decorate the grounds for miles, blossoming after last month’s rain. Copper-colored mountains surround them for as far as the eye can see, separated from each other by deep canyons. The epic proportions of the Superstition Mountains are difficult to grasp. It’s quite liberating, to move through an area so remote and untouched, with a horse the only possible type of transportation. She feels like an explorer, a conqueror from the old times. No car could take her here, not even a tank or a helicopter would be able to get Y/N over these boulders and through the narrow canyons. Only Joplin can.

The cowgirl rests her wrist on the horn of the saddle, the reins loosely in between the fingers of her left hand. Joplin still speedwalks under her rider, who stopped attempting to slow her down hours ago. Apparently, the dark mare does not wish to adapt her speed, even though she asked nicely a couple of times. Of course, Y/N could have made her point, but the argument that would probably carry on for days is not worth it. Where the little horse gets the energy to keep this up, she has no idea, but Y/N is glad she’s a forward-thinker. Dragging a horse up this God-forsaken mountain wouldn’t actually be a pleasure either.

Dean reaches the final hill first, looking down at the small stream that gurgles and splashes through the worn stone several hundred feet below. A lone willow tree grows on the bank, surrounded by cattails, marking the year-round water source. It’s a heavenly sight, because the horses are thirsty, and finding Willow Spring means that today’s time in the saddle is over. Make no mistake, he loves to ride, but after ten or so hours in the saddle, his ass is starting to get sore. “We’ll set up camp here,” he decides, glancing over his shoulder at the others before he gives Ted the aid to descend the steep slope.

Dropped back on his hocks with his hooves out in front of him, the gelding makes his way down the hillside, trying to find the easiest path as he snakes down the mountain. Dean sits back, maintaining the balance as he lets his horse figure it out. When Ted reaches even ground again, Dean gives his companion space to drop his head completely. Alert, Ted drags his feet through the cold water, his lips on the surface of the crystal clear spring as he starts to drink, rhythmic gulps moving up his throat every time he swallows. Gently, the wrangler rustles his fingers through the bay’s mane, then he swings his right leg over the back of the saddle and lowers himself into the shallow spring. The water is pleasantly cold after a long day out in the desert and he can almost feel it sizzle when he splashes the water in his face and on the back of his neck. He rarely gets a sunburn anymore, but his skin feels tense and dry today. As the droplets run down his chin and neck, he puts his cowboy hat back on and rises up to find Y/N next to him, copying his actions. While Joplin gulps down at least a gallon, the female rider cups her hands to capture the refreshing water and wash her face clean, after which she lets the air flow from her lips in delight.

“Long ride, huh?” Dean sighs. “Sleeping is not going to be a problem, not even if I have to spend the night on a rock,” she admits. “We’ll rest up here, Benny will get dinner going soon,” he assures her. “Better be good, Benny,” she warns as she leads Joplin away from the riverbed, trading places with the Southerner. “I’m starving.” “The things I can do with canned food above a fireplace, darlin’. Those Michelin star joints can kiss my fine behind,” he returns, a bright smile and even brighter eyes adorning his face.

Dean grins at the claim and walks with Ted to follow Joplin. All fun aside, they cannot sit down and kick their feet up just yet. They have a camp to build. “Brad, Jon, you can set up camp on that plateau up the hill. Benny and I will take care of the horses. Y/N and Macy? Can find us some firewood?” He looks in the intern’s direction and she nods in confirmation. He takes over the reins of her horse so that she can get to the task at hand. “Watch out for snakes,” he presses. “I know. And kick over the wood before you pick it up,” she adds before her supervisor does. “Jo already gave you the lecture, huh?” Dean assumes, grinning. “And Ellen, and Bobby.” She giggles, looking over her shoulder as she joins Macy to find some dry wood.

The women hit the jackpot after searching the dry terrain a little higher up the stream. What once was a sheep shed is now a heap of wood and nails, nothing left standing but one corner strut. With the rotten planks stacked up in her arms, Y/N and Macy return to camp on the plateau, about a hundred feet from Willow Spring. Two out of the three tents are set up and ready to be inhabited, while the horses are tacked down and resting. Dean and Benny created a small paddock with rope, using two large boulders and a large cactus as anchor points. Within half an hour there’s a fire going and soup is bubbling in a pot above the flames. The sun is setting fast, still reflecting its orange rays on the few clouds above, drawing shadows larger than the mountains that create them. Tired from the long day, the six riders sit around their improvised stove, easy conversation and joyful laughs rising up from the valley. It doesn’t take long before the night darkens the sky, the stars and the moon shining bright. Suddenly the desert that seemed enormous and wide-open during the day, feels cozy. Almost as if the company of six are in a room as big as the light of the fire can reach. The soup, rich with meatballs and vegetables, together with the bread Ellen baked this morning, fills their stomachs. Y/N stretches her legs out in front of her, crossing them at her ankles while she sits down on a boulder, stretching her back to fight the dull ache.

“Who wants a beer?” The intern looks up surprised while Benny gets up and looks from one to the other. “We’ve got beer?” Brad, apparently as astonished as she is, wonders. Benny shows his set of pearly whites and descends down the hill towards the cold spring. “Even better,” he corrects, as he pulls the six-pack from between four stones, the cold water dripping from the bottles. “We’ve got cold beer.” The wranglers cheer as the Southerner makes his way up the slope again, after which he rummages in one of the saddlebags, probably to find an opener. Casually Y/N glances over, but then she furrows her brow as something catches her eye before Benny closes the straps again. Was that the handle of a pistol she spotted? The gears in her head start turning. Why would they bring a gun on a trail ride? Y/N isn’t a stranger to guns. Her brothers and father have a hunting cabin up north at White Mountain and her oldest sibling, Jake, is a police officer in Los Angeles. At home, she knows where they keep the guns, and in case of an emergency, she knows how to use them. Still, she wonders; why bring one here into the desert, miles from a living soul? Wild animals, maybe?

“Here ya go, darlin’.” Benny hands Y/N a bottle of Corona, which she takes gladly. Then he hops up on the large rock the intern is leaning against. Dean walks around the fire after pushing in a new log, then settles down on a small boulder on the other side of her. He props up one leg, the other stretched in front of him, resting his wrist on his knee while he begins to play with the silver band on his ring finger. “Cheers, y’all,” he says, raising his bottle. The others respond with a mutual ‘cheers’ and he takes a swig of the welcome refreshment. Y/N does the same, but can’t help to glance at the saddlebag again. Eventually, curiosity gets the best of her and she leans into Dean. “Can I ask you something?” He looks aside, attracted by her whisper, a little bit nervous all of a sudden now that she’s so close to him. Apparently, whatever she is going to require from him is not suitable for the tourists to hear. “Shoot,” he replies. “Why do you guys carry a gun with you?” Y/N wonders with a soft voice. Dean cocks his eyebrow and can’t help but to lift up the corner of his mouth a little. Someone is being observant. He huffs before he answers, but Benny, who apparently was eavesdropping, beats him to it. “Seems like we’ve got a detective amongst us, Chief,” the Southerner comments. A little embarrassed, Y/N stammers as she looks up at him and back at Dean, his slightly amused and soft smile taking away some of her insecurities. “I - I didn’t mean to sniff around,” she half apologizes, but Dean brushes it off. “It’s fine,” he assures, then checks on the other three to make sure they aren’t listening in. The tourists are entwined in a conversation of their own, however. “And that gun is a safety precaution.” “For what?” she asks, not settling for an answer that vague.

Dean glances at his friend, shielding his face from her for a second. It seems like he is discussing silently if he should share this matter with the intern, but in fact, he’s telling Benny something completely different. The slight nudge of his eyebrow and the suppressed little smile says one thing only: play along. “We’re not the only ones out here, darlin’. Apache Indians still roam these mountains,” the farrier from the South elaborates. Y/N’s eyes widen, as her gaze darts from Benny to Dean, but both keep a straight face. They aren’t serious, right? “Apache Indians?” she repeats, a little skeptical. Dean nods, carrying a blank expression and she could swear they are telling God’s honest truth. “Yep. You better watch out for the natives. Us white folks came here and stole their land long ago in a brutal manner,” Benny adds, taking a sip of his beer to prevent himself from breaking character. “You’re a smart Belle, you can guess what they’d wanna do to us, might we cross paths with them, out here in No Man’s Land.” Stunned, Y/N stares at him. It sounds hideous, but the way he delivers the story is disturbingly convincing. Plus, she looked into the history of the true Native Americans for a project back when she was a sophomore and remembers that there used to be a large colony at Apache Junction, not far from here. She didn’t realize that besides dangerous five hundred feet drops, unbearable heat, venomous spiders, snakes and scorpions, there is more to fear out here in these wastelands. But then she notices how Dean presses his lips together, so tight that his jaw clenches for just a second as he fights a laugh. On to them, Y/N tilts her head and throws the two boys a glare, causing them to crack. “Idiots,” she mutters as they laugh loudly. Sniggering, the friends toast their beer bottles, celebrating their successful prank. Sometimes Y/N wishes she wasn’t the easily fooled city girl. “All jokes aside,” Dean recovers, his tone serious again. “We always bring that gun on trails in case a horse injures itself lethally. We’re miles out from the road, let alone a veterinarian, so if it would ever come to a worst-case scenario, at least we can put the horse out of its misery.” Y/N didn’t expect that answer and is silenced by the reason for the weapon. She only now realizes how far from civilization they are. Slippery slopes and narrow paths over high ridges are a recipe for accidents, but that a misstep could have such consequences somehow didn’t dawn on her until now. When things go south out here, they are truly on their own.

“Did you ever have to use it?” she wonders. Dean shakes his head gladly. “No, but Bobby did once,” he tells her. “That’s why he insists on us bringing the Colt every time we go out.” “The Colt?” the intern responds. “The gun has a name?” “It’s not just some gun. It was specially made for a hunter on horseback at the beginning of the 19th century. It has been in the family for a long time,” Dean explains as he takes another swig from his bottle. “Well, I hope you will never have to fire that gun,” Y/N says solemnly. He looks at her and agrees to that statement with a small nod, because he surely hopes he doesn’t have to either. “How about some tunes, Chief?” Benny suggests. The night is still young and he is looking for ways to fill the evening; musical entertainment will do just that. Dean throws him a displeased look, though, but his friend already pulled his harmonica from the chest pocket of his jacket. He holds the instrument in front of his mouth with one hand and partly covers the exhale holes to give the extra effect as he blows on it, playing a little riff that captures the attention of the others. Dean sighs; there's no way out of it now. “What are you gonna sing?” Y/N asks the handsome man next to her. The giddiness in her voice melts away Dean’s discomfort for being put in the limelight by Benny once again. He remembers her first day on the job when he sang a couple of songs. Her beautiful eyes sparkle just as bright as they did that night and he smiles. “How about a duet?” he suggests. She snorts, almost choking on her beer. “What? With me ?! God, no. Clearly, you’ve never heard my singing voice.” “I have, actually,” he begs to differ. “You hum quite a lot when you’re working. And I heard you sing ‘American Pie’ the other day when you were cleaning tack.” “Were you spying on me?” Y/N eyes him, jumping subjects to get out of a potentially embarrassing situation. He averts his gaze, a nervous chuckle under his breath. His eyes have lingered on the new wrangler apprentice more than once. There is no denying that. “I wouldn’t call it spying,” he corrects shyly. “What would you call it then?” She pulls up her legs and folds her arms around them, resting her cheek on the flat surface of her knee as she studies him. It amuses her how flustered he gets whenever she catches him taking an interest. He can be so cocky at times, so full of it, but when she corners him only slightly, he seems self-conscious all of a sudden. Now is no different, but he gathers enough courage to look back at her again. “I’d call it admiring.”

Dean holds her gaze for a few seconds after he speaks, fire dancing in his beautiful eyes that seem to have a shade of amber now that the flames reflect in them. Unable to look away, Y/N’s cheeky grin tones down into a small smile, the words warming her more than the desert ever could. “C’mon, brother. This audience ain’t gonna wait all night.” Benny pauses his harmonica solo to rush the head wrangler, missing the conversation that was going on between the two. “I’ll handle the main vocals. Will you back me up?” Dean asks the cowgirl, not letting his pal interrupt the moment. “I-I don’t even know what you’re gonna sing,” she returns nervously. “You’re into classics; you’ll know this song,” he assures, winking at her before he turns to Benny and mouths the title of the track. Benny nods his head and then starts the melody to ‘The Weight.’ Dean looks over at Y/N as he taps his foot to the rhythm, waiting for her to identify the track just by the cords that Benny plays. Then her face lights up and he grins, knowing that she’s got it now. “I pulled into Nazareth, was feeling ‘bout half past dead. I just need some place where I can lay my head. Hey mister, can you tell me where a man can find a bed? He just grinned and shook my hand. “No” was all he said.”

Nervous for her debut as a background singer and yet delighted by his warm voice, Y/N waits for her cue. She has never sung for other people before. In her own head, it sounds quite alright when she joins in with the vocalists of her favorite songs, either while mucking out or under the shower. But to claim she can sing? Absolutely not. God, you’re gonna make a fool of yourself. Are you truly so desperate to get his approval that you signed up for this? Then Dean nudges her softly, calm eyes telling her that she’s going to be fine.

“Take a load off Fanny. Take a load for free. Take a load off Fanny…”

“- and you put the load right on me.”

Y/N joins him on the last line, hitting a higher note simultaneously with Dean, creating a vocal harmony. The cowboy smiles widely at her, impressed with her voice. Relieved, she beams when Jonathan whistles and Macy and Jon cheer. Maybe she doesn’t sound so bad after all.

“I picked up my bags, I went looking for a place to hide. When I saw old Carmen and the Devil, walkin’ side by side. I said, ‘Hey Carmen! C’mon, let’s go downtown.’ She said, “I gotta go, but my friend can stick around. Take a load off Fanny, take a load for free. Take a load off Fanny, and you put the load right on me.”

They sing the chorus together and Y/N can feel herself loosening up, swaying to the music as she closes her eyes. The classics enthusiast knows most of the lyrics by heart and dares to play with the melody a little bit when there’s room, all the time carrying a smile on her lips. A smile that is pure bliss to Dean, and watching the woman he is losing his heart to express herself has him lost for words. This is what happiness looks like and he can’t get enough of seeing her in this state of mind.

Benny finished the song with a little solo of his own, knocking his head back with the last notes and drawing applause from the others. Y/N exchanges a look with the two wranglers, thrilled with how that little collaboration worked out. As the clapping dies down, Dean becomes quiet, pondering on his next song. Curious of what he will pick next, Y/N watches him. She doesn’t know, however, that she is the one person occupying his mind. Again Dean turns to his best mate. “You know the chords to ‘Desire’, Ryan Adams?” “Sure do.” He brings the harmonica to his mouth and lets the air flow through the instrument as he moves the intakes on his lips, testing the notes. Dean listens, staring into the fire for a moment as he gets the feel of it. Then Benny starts on the verse and the cowboy begins to sing.

“Two hearts fading, like a flower. All this waiting, for the power. For some answers, to this fire. Sinking slowly, the water’s higher. Desire… Desire…”

Quietly Y/N watches as he moves his upper body back and forth slowly, like waves rolling onto the beach and pulling back again. His voice overwhelms her with every note, so raw and pure and sincere that it gives her goosebumps. Sometimes his eyes close as he enjoys the flow of the song, but throughout most of his performance, they are open, looking up at either the sky or into the flickering flames. But ever so often he glances over, honest eyes strengthening the message. Is he…? Is he singing this song for her?

“With no secrets, no obsession. This time I’m speeding. With no direction. Without reason. What is this fire? Burning slowly, my one and only…hmmm.”

Desire… Desire…”

There’s a calmness that washes over her and for that moment, it feels like it’s just the two of them. While listening to the words, she brings her hand up to cover her mouth, afraid to make a sound and disturb the magic. Folded fingers press against her lips as she swallows apprehensively, feeling her throat is closing up. She is so moved, that tears shimmer in her eyes. Her eyes which never leave him, not once.

“You know me. You know my way. You just can’t show me, but God, I’m praying. That you’ll find me, and that you’ll see me. That you run and never tire.”

Desire… Desire…”

The harmonica echoes through the valley as Benny takes on the last part of the song, but the sound of the instrument fades out in Y/N’s mind. Dean watches his friend for a short moment, but then glances at her. Instantly his expression changes and she realizes he is able to see that her eyes are glazed over in emotion. “Hey…” he whispers concerned, moving his hand to lay it over hers. “I’m okay,” she assures, smiling, blinking away the tears. “In fact, I don’t think I ever felt this happy.” Dean settles, the worry leaving room for his own happiness. Supporting, he gently squeezes before he retreats his hand, holding onto her gaze just a bit longer. Then he averts his eyes to watch the harmonica player’s grand finale. Several other rock and country songs are covered and the evening flies by in record time. Adoring glances and little touches are exchanged between Y/N and Dean, without the others noticing. If it wasn’t for the company, who knows how the night might end, and she silently wishes it was just them, sitting here by the fire. It’s ten to midnight when she fails to suppress a yawn. “You and me both,” Macy comments as she gets up, covering her mouth as she yawns as well. “I’m gonna get some sleep.” It’s anything but a bad idea, because their bodies are drained. Macy’s friend and her brother get up as well, gathering their things before they go to their tent, thanking the crew for the good night.

“You take first watch, brother?” Benny checks before he hops off the boulder. Dean nods. “I’ll wake you up at three.” “Already lookin’ forward to it,” the farrier grunts. He shuffles to the tent closest to the paddock and unzips the canvas, crawling in on hands and knees, before closing the opening again. And there she has it, her wish granted; it’s just her and Dean now.

The wrangler realizes it too, because a nervousness overcomes him. He adjusts himself a little, crossing his stretched legs at his ankles as he observes her for a short minute. Poor thing, she can barely keep her eyes open. Ten hours in the saddle and traveling across the desert under the ruthless sun are taking their toll. “You should get some rest,” he suggests softly. “Tomorrow’s another day.” Almost pleading, Y/N looks up at him, because even though her body begs to differ, she wants to stay. But when a yawn escapes her again, she has to admit her loss; she is so tired, she’s not even worth a dime. With at least two more days to go, the cowgirl needs to keep her strength up. “You’re right.” She sighs as she gets up. “I guess I’ll see you in the morning. Good night, Dean.” “G’night,” he returns, an ache developing in his chest as she moves away. He watches her struggle with the tent and chuckles, but then she disappears inside, leaving a saddening silence. Within a couple of seconds he regrets his decision of letting her go, but remains seated on the rock, facing the fire. Pondering, he goes over the night, over every single moment, no matter how small. “Chief?” Dean looks over at the tent he shares with Benny, noticing how the Southerner has popped his head through the opening again. “If you were waitin’ for the perfect opportunity,” his friend carefully starts, “that was it.” The head wrangler glares at his friend, telling him that now is not a good time to judge his actions. Benny has a point, though; he missed his third shot. Let’s hope the rules of baseball don’t apply in this game of love.

Wide awake, Y/N stares at the ceiling of her tent while listening to the wildlife outside. Crickets chirp loud enough to annoy the restless woman, but she can blame the insects all she wants, they are not the reason for her insomnia. She slept for about thirty minutes, unconscious before her head hit the pillow, but without significant reason, she woke up and hasn’t been able to sleep since. A sigh slips from her lips as she shuts her eyes stubbornly, forcing herself to get some sleep, but after a minute she opens them again and turns on her flashlight to check the time. For God’s sake, it’s almost 2 AM.

Y/N switches off the torch again and tosses and turns, trying to get comfortable on the thin air mattress without waking Macy. But whatever she does, her brain continues its attempt to process and analyze every emotion that short-circuited her body last night. Every bit of hope, happiness, but most of all, the love that filled her. There’s no doubt in her mind; she knows she has fallen head over boots for Dean. The difference is that she strongly believes she witnessed his love for her as well tonight. She knew he was interested, he made that clear early on. But this… this is different. This is deeper. Inhaling slowly, Y/N tries to lower her heart rate and calm herself, but it’s a hopeless case. Defeated, she gives up and rises from the bed, slipping back into her jeans. Somewhat angry with herself, she pulls a clean tank top over her head and squirms into her denim jacket, after which she crawls to the opening to unzip the tent.

Apart from the crickets, it’s quiet outside. The campfire has decreased in size, only half a log fueling the flames. The faint light fans out and only reaches so far, drawing dark shapes past the rocks and tents. Beyond its range, the world is pitch black. A little uneasy, Y/N crosses her arms in front of her chest and tries to chase away the chill. It’s the beginning of October and the difference between day and night is growing larger. In contrast to the heat about twelve hours ago, the air seems brisk now, as it would be on an autumn night at home.

She sits down on the boulder facing the fire, hunched over as she looks around for Dean. Every sound seems magnified, sounds that she does not want to know the origin of. Didn’t Benny mention that there are mountain lions in this area? One of the horses sighs a little further up and although Y/N can barely make out their shadows, she tries to ease herself with the fact that they are calm. Their instincts would make them the first to sense danger, so if they are comfortable, why shouldn’t she be? Something rummages in the dark and slow footsteps follow. Her eyes dart in the direction where the sound comes from, but then Y/N lets out a breath of air when it is in fact the person she hoped to find. Dean steps into the light and notices the intern, clearly surprised. “Hey… What are you doing up?” “Couldn’t sleep,” she excuses simply. For a second he wonders what caused her to lie awake, but decides to leave the reason for what it is and instead makes a joke. “Scared that the Apache Indians will invade the camp?” “Shut up,” she mutters, embarrassed.

Smirking amused, he shoves some dry branches into the fire, trying to spike it up a little. He then settles down next to her on the boulder that serves fine as a bench, careful to leave enough space between them. At ease, he watches Y/N from aside, who in turn stares at the fire, intrigued. How the flames lick at the wood, slowly swallowing the twigs. How little fireflies of hot amber twirl up into the night sky.

The weariness that he felt when she left a couple of hours ago is gone instantly, her presence soothing him. She has her arms crossed in front of her chest, hugging herself to stay warm. It makes her seem so small. Without missing a beat, he reaches for the plaid blanket that he used himself earlier before he went to check the horses, and hangs it over her shoulders. Grateful, Y/N pulls the wool fabric around her body a little tighter. “Thank you.”

For a couple of minutes, the two of them just sit there, listening to the crackle and pop of the fire as they simply enjoy each other’s company. Reluctant to break the silence, Y/N steals a glance at the handsome man next to her. The radiance of the flames caresses his hair, highlighting it with gold and adding a soft glow to his freckled skin. Dark shadows bring out his strong jaw, his profile illuminated by the frantic light. There’s a softness in his eyes, his pupils slightly dilated due to the darkness that surrounds them, but they still leave enough for the beautiful shade of forest green to mesmerize her. Feeling his company’s lingering gaze, he turns his head to meet it. He smiles, the smallest chuckle rumbling deep down in his throat as he takes her in.

“What?” she wonders. “When you first arrived at the ranch, you seemed a little… out of place. We just brought the cattle in and we all looked ragged and dirty, probably smelled even worse. We had a few drinks, were loud. A proper bunch of country folks,” he starts. “And then you walked in, the complete opposite. Your hair all done, nice clothes, shiny boots.” She grins. “I stood out, huh?” “You did.” He smirks at the memory, but he’s not just reminiscing over the first time they met. “Are you telling me that I look ragged and dirty now too? Or that I smell bad?” She side-eyes him, noticing the slight horror on his face when he realizes how his words are coming across. “No! N-no, that’s not at all what I’m… Y-you smell great,” he stutters, and Y/N can’t contain a giggle. Dean scoffs and shakes his head; she got him there. Slowly the heat fades from his cheeks. “What I’m tryin’ to say is… I mean, look at you now,” Dean says, letting his eyes roam over her for a second. “You’re achieving your goals, proving the judgemental ones wrong. And I know it ain’t easy. It’s hard work. I’ve seen plenty of people cave in their first week. But not you. You became a part of the ranch… a part of this family.”

The corners of her mouth lift when the last word sets in. Family. She is a part of this family. Of course, she isn’t from here and she will always call Freeport home, and yet Y/N has never felt like she truly belonged somewhere. Not until now. “Were you one of the judgemental ones?” she asks him. “I would be lyin’ to you if I said I wasn’t,” he admits, shame evident when he lowers his head. “I’ve never been more glad to be wrong, though.” Her smile grows, much like her heart. She looks down at her feet, dragging marks with her heels in the sand. Why is she so nervous to sit here next to him, when at the same time she has never felt more comfortable?

“Dean?” She turns to him a little bit more, her knee brushing against his. The touch is so light it shouldn’t leave her skin so sensitive, but it does. “That song you sang,” she continues, daring to restore eye contact. “Was that dedicated to someone?” The wrangler’s heartbeat fastens and he’s doing his best not to heave his chest noticeably. He knows she’s not asking if he sang her a pretty song. No, she’s asking if he meant it. If every word that rolled from his tongue was the truth. If every raw edge in his voice was shaped by the rush of emotions that plows through him whenever he thinks of her. If every time he closed his eyes as he got lost in the music, it was her who he pictured. “It was,” he admits. “Does she know?” she counters, her eyes playfully taunting him. He grins, dipping his chin slightly, but his expression changes the moment she moves her hand to his face and lets her delicate fingers run through his hair, her thumb softly rubbing his temple. Under hypnosis he stares into her soul, his eyes bouncing over her features.

He’s not sure if he can speak, now that he’s completely under her spell, but he can try. “I sure as hell hope she does,” he says, his voice so soft that it is no more than a whisper. “But you tell me.”

If there was any doubt left about the attraction being mutual, it is gone now. Dean just laid it out in front of her, and as a pair of hopeful greens wait for her to respond to his words, Y/N doesn’t waste another second. She closes the few inches between them, shuts her eyes and meets the cowboy halfway. She kisses him first, the action igniting a similar sensation as diving off a cliff into unknown water: thrilling, scary, but addictively exciting at the same time. Thankfully Dean instantly responds, welding his lips against hers and taking away her insecurity. Y/N half registers him cupping her face, careful not to break the moment, but the rush of blood to the head soon has her so dizzy that she has trouble focusing.

He lingers in the kiss, drawing out the moment for as long as he can. Then they part, pausing for a second as both wranglers open their eyes. Stunned, they stare at each other. Her hand has slid down to his chest, and he knows she can feel it rising and falling under her touch, his heart beating against her palm like a drum. Trying to get a hold of himself, he takes a breath, a small smile forming on his parted lips as he swipes a frizzy strand of hair from her face. He always thought she was beautiful, but in this light, looking at him like she does now… My God, beauty doesn’t even begin to define her. Now he moves in, less hesitant, drowning in another kiss before he can help himself. His lips graze over hers eagerly, deepening the connection when she allows him to. Giving the cowboy permission, even chasing him in the touch, sets him free completely. Finally, he is able to push past the self-consciousness. Finally, he can dismiss the voice within that tells him that she deserves so much better. The woman he’s in love with wants to be with him and nothing has ever felt so liberating. He lets her know, by tracing the soft skin of her cheek with his thumb. By resting his forehead against hers for a brief moment when he needs to come up for air. By putting every bit of want and adoration into their first kiss. Every one of Y/N's senses is set in overdrive. As she breathes him in, she smells the aroma of aftershave from this morning’s trim, mixed with the scent of leather, horses and dust. She tastes the salt on his slightly chapped lips and El Corona on his tongue. She hears his respiration, the sound of him pulling in oxygen whenever his mouth parts from her for a short second, blend with the noise of her own breaths. But it’s how he touches her that blows her mind. He cradles her head, curled fingertips pressing in her skin as if he’s afraid he will lose what he just gained. Moved, she cards her fingers through his short hair and pulls him even closer, letting him know that she isn’t going anywhere. And all this time, her palm covers his heart, the steady rhythm that beats under her touch intensifying the intimacy. Wanting to stay here with her as long as possible, he lets his free hand slip over hers. After an entire month of fighting this feeling, contemplating whether this is a good idea or not, they broke through the restraints. For now, the self-doubt is gone, the fear of commitment with it. Neither of them worries about the consequences of their actions, nor about the fact that Y/N will leave in five months. At this very moment, all that matters is that they allowed each other in. Here at Willow Spring in the Superstition Mountains, Arizona. The center of the universe.

Well, you waited almost 60K for this moment. I hope it met the expectations!

Thank you for reading. I appreciate every single one of you, but if you do want to give me some extra love, you are free to reblog my work or buy me coffee (Link in bio at the top of the page)

Read part twelve here

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gaycrouton · 5 years

Note

oh my goodddd i loved your underwear fic and would be so happy if you ever decided to continue it

Thank you so much!! For those that didn’t see it, a while back ago I posted this fic called Lingerie. Here are a few more random bonus takes!

Lingerie Bonus:

“Scully?”

“Hm?”

“Why are you wearing your coat?” he asked, finally broaching the question that’d been on his mind for the last two hours. He’d initially not taken much notice, but then he started picking up on the way she kept trying to roll up her sleeves and failing miserably because of the bulk. He’d thought she’d just forgotten until it became overwhelmingly obvious this was a purposeful suffering she was putting herself through. he knew his new partner had some quirks, hell so did he, but this just seemed uncomfortable.

“Um, I’m just a little cold,” she shrugged. That might have passed if it weren’t for the extreme binaries working in the basement in winter came with. In this realm of the building, the heat was always either broken, leaving them to freeze, or it was overcompensating, leading them to boil. This was a boiling day and he was uncomfortable even looking at her.

“Scully,” he repeated accusatorily, not letting the lie slide.

“I’m dressed innapropriately for work,” she replied, letting her eyes fall back down to the paperwork on her desk as if to signal her indifference on the subject.

Every fibre in his body wanted to make a suggestive joke, but he was too worried about her overheating in the name of modesty. “It’s just a paperwork day,” he offered. She didn’t say anything and he followed with a sympathetic, “It can’t be that bad.”

“I’m not wearing an undershirt,” she blurted as if it was a big reveal.

It wasn’t.

“So?” he prompted, uncertain of what was causing the issue.

“I’m wearing a thin white blouse and a black bra,” she elaborated, still not making eye contact, but not making much progress on the paper she’d been staring at.

Oh.

He laughed sympathetically and did his very best not to imagine what that looked like. “No one ever comes down here but us,” he offered.

She finally looked up at him and she looked like she was carefully trying to choose her words.

Double oh.

“I hope I’ve never made you feel uncomfortable-” he started apologetically. Was she really suffering because she thought he’d just leer at her?

She cut him off immediately as if already knowing what he was thinking. “No, it’s not you, Mulder.”

They stared at each other for a moment before awkwardly laughing off the uncomfortable situation. “I just didn’t want you to think this is how I normally dress. I didn’t even realize how noticeable it was until I took off my coat at security.”

“You can dress however you want,” he offered. At her raised eyebrow he quickly added, “I mean, what’s important is your work. I’d never judge you for whatever you choose to, or not to, wear.” He was digging himself in a hole, but based off her smile, she wasn’t mad.

She stood up and started unbuttoning her coat. “Good, because then I’d have to start being vocal about my opinions on your ties.”

He let out a little laugh before looking down at his current tie with pigs on it. “Hey, what’s wrong with my ties?” he asked before lifting his eyes back up to her.

No wonder she’d been shy. The silk blouse was nearly see through and her black bra was undoubtably visible through it. He’d taken a big glimpse of her back as she hung up her coat, but only saw the two front cups for all of one millisecond before giving her privacy and darting his eyes down to his work.

“Aside from the fact they’re tacky?” she teased goodnaturedly. He could hear the smile in her voice, but didn’t want to look at her and accidentally look down and make her regret her decision.

He was able to keep his eyes away for the whole rest of the day and for that, when the coat was back on her shoulders in preparation for the walk out, she gave him a grateful smile and an appreciative “Thank you, Mulder.”

He was proud of himself for proving that he was a good partner and would never oogle her, but later that night his thoughts kept flashing to that hint of black lace and he remembered a millesecond’s glance can go a long way with a photographic memory.

“Mulder! I need your help!”

The bright flash of the crime scene techs make him blink his eyes and wipe a hand over his face. He’d been here once before, when he quite literally kicked her door down to rush to the bathroom and find her fighting with Tooms.

Sometimes he liked to imagine what it’d be like for them to be the average, everyday partners. Would she have ever invited him over for a cup of coffee? Or would he have never seen the inside of Scully’s domain if it wasn’t the scene of a crime?

Wordlessly, passively listening to the ongoing conversations around him that were saying nothing more than abduction, blood, missing, is that her partner? He had to see everything - he had to make sure no stone was left unturned.

He entered forbidden domain without hesitation. Of all the times he imagined being in Scully’s bedroom-

He shook the thought from his mind and glanced analytically around the room. It was as he’d imagined: clean, orderly, feminine, so very Scully. A closet in the corner was cracked open and he mindlessly went over to it. Realistically, he knew it was his memory of her telling him about Donnie Pfaster keeping her in the closet mixed with his desperate hope that maybe, just maybe, Duane Barry was stupid and this was all a misunderstanding and he’d find her there. But, as his heart knew, as soon as he opened the door there was nothing.

Well, nothing wasn’t accurate. This was the closet that she kept her clothes and hamper in, and upon opening it he was met with a strong waft of her scent and all the clothes he’d do anything to see filled again.

His eye was caught by a cup of a white bra dangling off the laundry basket, caught on the rim by the bridge in the middle and a matching pair of white panties sitting on top of the other dirty clothes. He swallowed thickly and felt a crashing wave of guilt for feeling like he was invading her privacy.

He needed to find her.

III

Either she didn’t hear him knock on the adjoining door or he didn’t hear her tell him to wait. His brain was too overwhelmed in this moment to actually know which it was.

All he knew was that he just walked into see Scully on all fours with her ass in the air towards him as she looked under her bed for something. That in and of itself would have been enough to kill him, but she was currently in the middle of getting dressed and all she was wearing was her underwear. Which, he was eternally greatful for because he may have just died on the spot if not.

Her back was pale and milky with an intermitten smattering of freckles that reminded him of starlight, but what stood out most in this moment was how round and perfect her-

“Mulder!” she screamed as she completely fell to the floor, as if trying to dissolve into it. Her hands quickly came to her front to cup her breasts as she whipped her head over her shoulder.

He only met her eyes for a moment before snapping them shut and running back to his room, slamming the door behind him. “Scully, I’m so sorry!”

It would be a miracle if he didn’t crash, plain and simple. It was just impossible not to look.

Scully’d fallen asleep in the passenger seat, a gift he’d forever be envious of, but as she slept she inadvertenly unbuttoned the top button she’d previously had buttoned which opened her blouse down to the front middle clasp of her bra. She was dead to the world, her lips parted slightly as her chest rose with each deep breath. It was just him alone in the car now with the sounds of the seventies and Scully’s sleeping body turned towards him.

Because of course she was.

What really didn’t help was the intermitten groans she’d release as she’d squirm in her seat in an attempt, he presumed, to get more comfortable. Oh, and to add to it all, her skirt was riding up as her hand just innocently rested at the hem. It was a sight that was as endearing as it was arousing.

She made a gasping sound and his eyes left the road to look at her face, which was now accented with a furrowed brow of sleepy concentration. Was she having a nightmare?

His own brows furrowed in concern as he glanced between the stretch of desolate highway and the passanger seat to make sure she was okay. From mile marker 66 to 78, she gasped three times, moaned twice, and readjusted one time that resulted in her brushing her breasts against his arm that was resting on the middle console, and now Mulder was cursing himself for not wearing better pants.

“-der,” she whispered. He’d heard those three letters together enough to know it was the ending half of him name, but he’d never heard them in quite that inflection. Curiosity started to turn into hopeful understanding as he realized that Dana Scully, his beautiful partner, sounded like she was having a sex dream.

But there was no way-

He glanced at her colored cheeks as she sleepily nuzzled herself against the headrest. Against his better judgement, his eyes darted down to the valley of her breasts and stared appreciatively before she breathily whispered, “Fuck.”

Then, with the timing and grace of a bull in a china shop, he drove over a rumble strip and she woke up with a start. “Wha’s wrong?” she slurred sleepily but alarmed.

“Sorry,” he coughed, readjusting himself in his seat while praying she didn’t see his hard on. “I was looking at a billboard and drove over a rumble strip,” he explained, hoping she didn’t turn around and notice the large expanse of nothingness behind them.

Luckily she was too preoccupied with herself to notice anything else. She started pulling down her skirt and rebuttoning her shirt before squirming in her seat uncomfortably. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, uh-” she started, but stopped herself.

“Hm?”

“Did I talk in my sleep at all?” she asked nervously.

With her behaviour confirming his hopeful suspicions, he bit back a smile. “No, not at all.”

Extra Bonus

She wasn’t sure if there was a sight more jarring but welcome to her than that of a sleeping Mulder in nothing but his boxers in her bed. It was a sight she’d imagined countless times over, though she’d never admit it, but she didn’t think it would take these circumstances for it to have to happen.

She’d seen his body in an assortment of ways and segments throughout their partnership, but she’d never gotten a chance to really appreciate it up close. It truly wasn’t fair that he lived on a diet of fast food and Kraft Mac and Cheese yet could simply run on occasion and have a body like this, but she was too stunned by it to be resentful.

This is what he was hiding beneath his clothes every day. Mulder was always kind, gentle, and sweet towards her, but this was a body of elegant strength and power. He wore his masculinity well and she wasn’t saying that jsut because, in her efforts to document his recovery, she’d observed his nocturnal tumesence come and go in flares.

It just amused her to no end he was sleeping like an angel on the very same spot she’d been in while imagining him with her hand between her legs.

Though he’d been wearing a little less in her imagination.

#gaycrouton #my fanfiction #I feel very rusty so I hope this is even decent lol #THANK YOU FOR THE PROMPT BOO #x files fanfic #mulder #scully

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astromechs · 4 years

Text

anything that’s worth my love (is worth the fight)

idk, oneshot, character/relationship study thing, who knows. also i didn’t reread the bendis issues about the cancerverse before i wrote this, so i took some liberties and fuck bendis canon anyway

also on ao3!

Peter Quill is a strange guy.

It’s not the most profound assessment, but it’s about the best that Rich has, even after almost three months of working with him. Just by looking at him, you’d think that he’d be one of those painfully serious guys out of an old movie, dark, brooding, and mysterious. But over time, it becomes clear that, in a lot of ways, he’s the opposite; he seems to come to life more and more by the day, a ghost of a smile here, something like a bad joke there, a lot of offhand comments that seemingly come out of nowhere but somehow prove to be completely relevant.

Rich finds that his eyes have developed a tendency to linger on Peter for probably longer than they should, as if just staring will somehow get him closer to figuring the guy out.

That’s it. Nothing more to it than that.

There’s no real reason that he’s continuing to watch as Peter walks away, and—

“Richard.” He’s still not used to the voice that’s now a part of him, yet he can't imagine life without it, either, somehow. (It’s not entirely a bad thing; he’ll take his comforts where he can get them, even if said comforts have an annoying habit of always waking him up in the middle of a few precious hours of sleep.) “I have found that your heart rate increases by an average of twelve percent whenever you are in the proximity of Peter Quill. I am analyzing — ”

“Shut up, Worldmind,” he cuts in flatly, but the words don’t leave his mind for weeks afterward.

ii.

Worldmind had calculated this plan’s probability of success to sit somewhere at approximately four percent, but Rich had thought that had been generous.

Direct assault has pretty much never been an option against the Annihilation Wave up to this point; this whole thing has been a game of finding the best time to evacuate civilians, and then retreat. He’d like for that to not be true, sure, because, well, maybe he hadn’t paid as much attention as he should have in his high school history classes, but he’s pretty sure no one has ever won a war purely through retreats. Even so, though, the fact is that even in the best case scenario of the United Front not running on basically a skeleton crew of troops, they’d still be massively overpowered, outgunned, and everything else.

But Peter had been right; something had to change to turn the tide, and this had been their best opportunity to strike. The crazy son of a schlag had just decided to do it himself before anyone else could argue.

That’s the long and short of how Rich had gotten here, crouched on the ground next to a second-in-command who had also just given them the biggest advantage they’ve had in months by putting himself in the blast radius of a well-placed bomb. And said second-in-command is still in one piece, somehow; a little worse for the wear, judging by the way he favors his right side as he tries to lift his body into a sitting position, but nothing that won’t see a full recovery.

There are about a million things on Rich’s mind, but each one gets away at light speed before he can grab on, and all he’s left with is a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that hasn’t managed to disappear. He swallows down the dryness in his throat, and when he opens his mouth to speak, all that comes out is:

“You’re crazy.”

“Maybe.” Peter shrugs in response, and after a moment, he actually smirks through the blood trickling from his bottom lip. “But it worked, didn’t it?”

There’s a part of Rich that’s definitely pissed, but the rest of him can’t help the smile that pulls at the corners of his mouth.

(And, okay, he can’t lie; he probably would’ve done the same thing.)

Peter Quill may, truly, be the craziest man he’s ever met in his life, but there’s a possibility that they could win this whole damn war because of him.

iii.

They’ve managed to gain some ground, but Krelar still falls.

It’s a brutal loss, probably the most brutal in a whole war full of them; a hidden horde of the Wave had decimated thousands of civilians before they could even retreat, and those who’d been left of the United Front had barely made it off the planet themselves. They’re all shaken, deeply, and Rich had ordered everyone to tend to their wounds and get some sleep before reconvening at the end of the night cycle.

An order he knows he won’t follow himself.

He tries, though, for a time, tries to lie back on his pillow in his quarters and shut his eyes; he can go without rest longer than most, but even with the entire Nova Force inside him, he’s still pushing his limits. But when he does, he sees Kree falling on all sides, hears their screams as they do. He sees Xandar dying around him, just as he has in his mind’s eye. Death, just death, and even with all this power, he’s always helpless to do nothing but watch it happen….

His feet hit the floor, wander the corridors aimlessly, until they end up at the door of Peter’s quarters.

It opens before he can even knock.

They stand there for a time in silence, Peter looking as lost and haunted as he feels. There’s nothing to say, anyway; no platitudes will bring the planet back, gallows humor can only go so far, and with both of those options gone, well. That’s it.

Except —

Peter leans in and presses his mouth to Rich’s, and Rich doesn’t take the time to think about what’s happening, instead pulling Peter’s body as close to his as possible. They stumble through the doorway like this, a tangle of lips and hands searching for some kind of solid reassurance.

It doesn’t make anything better, because there’s nothing that can, but by the time Rich wakes up after managing a couple of hours of sleep, head resting on Peter’s bare chest and the rhythmic thud of a heartbeat in his ear, he thinks he can stand on solid enough ground to take a next step.

iv.

“Let me buy you a beer” had turned into three over the past hour, with a fourth probably soon to come, and while Rich feels guilty about it on some level, Peter continues to insist. It’s returning the favor, he says, for the tip about Knowhere, which has proven to be a pretty good base for his team, some hiccups aside. And:

“You look like you need it more than I do.”

After the — week, month, six months, year? — he’s had, he can’t really find it in him to argue.

Starlin’s has most of its usual clientele this evening, the loud, violent crowd that sees at least three bar fights broken up before it’s forced to disperse. A few broken bottles fly past their table at various points through this, but they’re otherwise left alone; being a war hero commands some respect in certain ways.

“I went back,” Rich finds himself saying a time after the bar quiets down, swirling the mug in his hand absently. “To Earth, I mean. First time since everything went down.”

Peter turns in his seat, attention fully focused on him, something like concern in his eyes (both human, no cybernetics anywhere, which is still taking some getting used to). He doesn’t say anything, and Rich takes that as his cue to continue.

“It was like…” He trails off, and it takes him a moment to commit to a train of thought. “No one even cared. The universe as we know it was almost gone, and all anyone could think about was fighting among themselves. This whole damn galactic war happening right above their heads, and nothing even changed for them.”

It all has a bitter taste coming out of his mouth, more than he’d actually intended it to, but he can’t deny that now that it’s out there, he feels like a massive weight has been taken off of his chest. He feels — better, somehow.

“But.” Rich drains the rest of the contents his mug after a beat. “Home is home, you know.”

“Yeah,” Peter says, and Rich thinks it sounds a little distant. “Home is home.” He reaches a hand toward one of Rich’s, gives it a brief squeeze before letting go.

Maybe it’s the fourth beer he’s now starting, but Rich has a wild thought that right here, right now, he could feel more at home than he has anywhere in a long time.

It’s so quiet that the sound of Rich’s own breathing pounds in his ears. For a reality where life has supposedly won, it seems awfully dead; visibility stretches for miles on end, and as far as he can tell, there isn’t a single sign of movement anywhere. Worldmind’s report from his helmet’s scanners chime in at the thought, but confirm what he already knew.

He peels off his helmet, because everything’s getting too stuffy. He thinks it shouldn’t surprise him that that doesn’t provide any kind of relief.

Next to him, Peter kicks the Cosmic Cube on the ground, and it clinks against an outcropping of rock.

“Thing’s dead,” he says, voice still breathless from their last seemingly never-ending encounter with the Revengers, from dying and being resurrected repeatedly. (Turns out, that kind of thing can take a toll. Who knew.) “Next time they come back, we’re gonna get our asses kicked even worse.”

Rich’s eyes drop to the ground, drift over to the Cube and stay there as something starts to occur to him. It’d had one shot, sure, and they’d already blown it, but what if a source of massive power could charge it again? What if — “Maybe not.”

He’s trapped here, probably forever; it doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out. He accepts it, too, because he’d known his choices when he’d followed Peter in here, and if he could do everything all over again, he wouldn’t change any of them. Robbie, his mom and dad, every single being on countless worlds are safe. That’s what matters.

But before that door is shut for good, he can open another. One he himself can’t walk through, because someone has to hold it; it’s the only way.

Peter deserves so much more than being stuck here in a barren wasteland, fighting and dying and coming back to life again, and again, and again. He deserves a chance to live in the universe that he’d helped to save. And Rich can give him that; it’s the least he owes him. For everything.

He bends down to gently lift the Cosmic Cube with the tips of his fingers.

“Rich — ?” It seems to dawn on Peter before he can even finish the question, and out of the corner of his eye, Rich can see Peter’s widen in horror. “Rich, wait.”

He closes his eyes and concentrates, tuning out the screams and everything else around him.

“Rich!”

Nova Force rips through his cells, and it feels almost warm.

#richard rider #peter quill #riderquill #* fic #my stuff #throws canon out the window #yeet #also here's to me singlehandedly repping the rich rider fandom on ao3 right now #why does that guy have like no fics about him smh!!#also after a point i stopped proofreading this and just decided to yeet it so please tell me if there are issues thank u

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the--sad--hatter · 5 years

Text

Game Of Survival - 4 (Bucky x Reader)

FANDOM - MARVEL

PAIRING - BUCKY X FEM!READER

WARNINGS - SMUT, VIOLENCE, ANGST, VERY GRAPHIC BLOOD AND GORE, SWEARING, DRUGS AND ALCOHOL

DESCRIPTION -

The Executioner - Killer of Killers, the monster that hunts monsters, the bad-guys bogeyman.

It’s a title you earned and one that you cherish. Your goals are justified, your methods are not. But when a simple murder turns into a suicide and you are left clutching a flash drive with a terrible secret on it, you find yourself caught up in a mystery that you can’t solve alone. You turn to the professionals, the experts, the heroes. The Avengers.

With the lives of everyone in the world suddenly at stake, Earth’s Mightiest Heroes have no choice but accept your help and Bucky Barnes quickly finds himself drawn in by you. He never much believed in love, let alone love at first sight so it figures he’d be proven wrong in such a spectacular way.

Masterlist

“Do you need some help with that?” The infamously angry Avenger asked you timidly.

“I’ve got it doc.” You assured, using your teeth to bite through the end of the stitch.

“Are you sure?” Bruce pressed, looking a little unsure about your unsanitary methods.

“If I let you do it will you stop hovering like a concerned mother hen?” You asked, smirking.

“I’ll sew like a concerned mother hen?” He offered.

“Have at it.” You said, waving at the wound.

He made quick work of fixing your torn stitches, tutting at you all the while.

“Try not to mess these ones up.” He scolded when he was finished.

“If I promise, would you believe me?” You asked, pulling your coat back on.

“Yes.” He shrugged, like it was a simple answer.

You paused in semi-amused surprise.

“I won’t promise then.” You said.

“Come on, the team are waiting.” He said, gesturing for you to follow him.

“You went through the info?” You asked, walking behind him.

“I did.” He confirmed and that was the extent of the information he gave you until you arrived at the meeting room.

“Ex, Bruce. What are we looking at then?” Clint asked.

“Well, it’s difficult to say. There were a lot of holes in the data.” Bruce said, fiddling with his glasses.

“But were you able to decipher any of it?” Steve pressed.

“It’s a virus, that’s certain. Whether it’s lethal or even dangerous, I can’t say yet. I need more data. But, it does look potentially dangerous. There were also partial plans for a dispersal system, it appears to be an synthesized airborne virus. “Bruce explained.

“So you need the rest of the data, is there another flashdrive somewhere then?” Natasha said to the room at large.

“There are five more.” You announced.

“Say Ex, any information you want to share?” Tony asked sarcastically.

“The six will be five but they will continue. Those were Sora Kawashima’s dying words, right before he flung himself and that flashdrive off a skyscraper.” You said, nodding to the drive in question.

“So the guy swandived off a building rather than deal with you? Does that prove a damn thing?” Sam asked.

“Maybe, maybe not. The fact that I walked away from the building without a bullet wound but arrived here half dead, that proves something.” You responded.

“That you have a lot of enemies?” Sam rebutted.

“Get your head out of the clouds Tweetie Pie, people have hated me for years and not one has ever caught me. I get that drive and in a matter of hours I’m being hunted down by a dozen highly trained assassins? You really think that’s a coincidence?” You asked.

“It might be, we don’t know.”

“You willing to risk the entire world on that chance?” You asked with a raised eyebrow, challenging him.

“No. I’m not.” He sighed.

“Me either. I risked my life and my freedom to bring that thing here, the least you could do is consider the possibility that I’m not an idiot.” You quipped.

“That was almost heroic of you.” Bucky whispered in your ear.

“So there’s possibly five more flashdrives out there, all holding part of the puzzle. Let’s consider this a potential threat. How do we get the other five?” Steve asked.

“Any ideas?” Natasha asked, turning to you.

You made sure you held Bucky’s gaze while you answered.

“Well, since you asked… I do have one of my attackers hanging off a meat hook in a storage unit in the city.”

There was an awkward silence after your declaration.

“Ex… You’ve been here a whole damn day. This entire time, you’ve had someone ‘hanging out’ who might know more?” Steve clarified.

“Relax, I put her on a IV drip so she didn’t you know, die.” You said casually.

“And you didn’t mention this sooner, why?” Tony asked, looking concerned about your mental state.

“Leverage.” You said like it was obvious.

“Address?” Steve sighed.

“I’ll text you it when I’m a few miles away.” You told them.

“Miles away from where?” Sam asked.

“From us. She stuck around to make sure we were going to handle this, now she’s going to cut and run before we arrest her. Her victim is her leverage against being taken in.” Natasha explained nonchalantly.

“You’re leaving us to handle this? You aren’t sticking around?” Steve asked, sounding almost disappointed.

“Sorry Cap, I’m just not that heroic.” You said, winking at Bucky.

“You aren’t leaving.” Bucky stated calmly.

“Well actually, I am. And none of you will stop me, because even if the threat isn’t real, IV drips don’t last forever and if you don’t get to that woman soon she will die.” You said equally as calm.

“I’m sorry, at what point did any of us act like we were remotely interested in arresting you?” Tony asked, looking around the room for dramatic effect.

“You won’t leave, because if you do you won’t know if we actually handled it. The world might be in danger and you can’t just walk away and trust someone else to save it.” Bucky continued, like Tony hadn’t spoken.

In fact, the way Bucky was looking at you was like there was nobody else in the room.

“If you can’t rely on The Avengers to save the world, who can you rely on?” You asked him with a mocking grin.

“Yourself.” He shot back.

“I have complete faith in you soldier. You’ve got this, you don’t need me.” You assured him, backing away towards the door.

“You’ll be back.” He said, sounding absolutely certain.

“Leave the porch light on for me.” You told them, waving sarcastically as you left.

“I’m changing all the locks. In fact, lets just move.” Tony joked in the silence you left behind.

“She’s coming back.” Bucky repeated, unable to hold back the smirk as he left the room.

“SerialWinter… WinterDeath…. OH KillerFrost!” Clint proclaimed.

“What?” Sam asked.

“Ship names? For those two.” Clint explained, waving towards the door.

“Bucky and Ex? No way, even Barnes isn’t that desperate.” Sam scoffed.

“Hate to say it but Clint’s right. You could cut that sexual tension with a knife. One of the many knives they have between them.” Tony snorted.

Bucky had forcing himself to walk towards his room, even though every cell in his body had begged him to go after you. He couldn’t make you stay though, it would be impossible. And strange. Because why would you stick around for someone you’d know for less than a day? The better question was, why did he want… no, need you to stay? The second he’d heard your voice he had been drawn to you but finding out who you were should have knocked some sense into him. So why was he still pining after a virtual stranger?

He'd been certain you would come back but what if you didn’t? What if he never saw you again? Would that be best? Would he be able to just forget about you?

Yes, he decided. You were a beautiful woman and he’d responded to that but it was meaningless.

Except it wasn’t meaningless. He knew who and what you were but a killer wasn’t such a bad thing, especially one who only killed bad guys. You weren’t as different to The Avengers as you seemed to think. You all had the same goals, your personal methodology was just a little more violent. So knowing you were The Executioner changed nothing for him.

He had believed in love at first sight when he was young but life had beaten all romantic notions out of him and he knew there was no such thing now. Lust at first sight, yes, but not love. After one conversation with you though? He could admit that there was at least more than superficial desire there. So if he was wrong and you didn’t come back then it wouldn’t be as simple as just forgetting you.

He’d been so wrapped up in his thoughts he barely paid attention to the trip into the city after you had sent Friday the coordinates, spending the journey deep in thought.

“Do you trust her?” He asked Steve as they approached the abandoned factory.

Either you’d lied about the storage facility as a precaution or they were walking into a trap. It might have been stupid but Bucky wasn’t worried, lying was surprisingly not something you had done a lot.

“She’s a serial killer, I’m Captain America. I know I’m supposed to say I don’t trust her but…” Steve sighed.

“You do.” Bucky deduced.

“I dunno Buck, I know she bloodthirsty but from where I’m standing it just seems like she really doesn’t like bullies. We don’t know why she is the way she is but maybe she doesn’t have to be this way if somebody can actually trust her and show her another way.” Steve said.

It was like being smacked in the face and he knew why he had been more drawn to her after finding out more about her. She was like the best of Steve and the worst of him, rolled into one. She had the morality and righteousness of Captain America and the cold methodology and skill of The Winter Soldier. There might have been some truth to her claim about him seeing redeeming her as another step to his own redemption after all. It made him nervous that she had read him so well, as well as he had read her.

“One faint life signal inside, no booby traps. So far looks like our stray serial killer was telling the truth.” Tony said over the comms.

Steve nodded and waved Bucky forwards. Hawkeye and The Black Widow were the first to make it inside from the back entrance and were already waiting by the strung up body with expression of morbid amusement.

“Well… She did say she had her attacker strung up on a meat hook.” Natasha said with a shrug.

The woman was dressed in some kind of dark stealth suit and looked dead but the faint rise and fall of her chest proved that she was remarkably alive. Remarkable because as Bucky walked around the room he saw what Natasha’s comment had meant. There was a metal butchers hook firmly wedged into the skin and muscle of your victims back, and the position and depth of the injury, Bucky would be surprised if the woman would ever walk again.

“Guess she didn’t want her attacker waking up and trying to run away.” Bucky remarked coldly.

“Man, how are any of you ok with this?” Sam yelped.

Bucky, Clint and Natasha shrugged and Sam turned to Steve for backup with an almost desperate expression.

“Ex did warn us, it’s on us for assuming she would just tie up somebody who shot her.” Steve said heavily.

“Medics are on the way, I don’t think we’ll be getting anything out of her soon.” Tony said.

“That’s what we get for trusting a psychopath I guess.” Sam said snappily.

“You act like she’s the only psychopath we know.” Tony snorted.

“Yeah Wilson, this your way of saying you don’t want to be friends anymore?” Natasha asked coolly, the smirk in her face the only sign she was teasing.

“You are all insane.” Sam grumbled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bucky was well tuned to his surroundings so as soon as he walked into his room upon his return to the compound, he knew something was wrong. There was a sliver of light in the dark room, coming from the bathroom. He silently unholstered his gun and crept towards the en-suite, smirking when he saw the discarded coat strewn across his bed and putting the gun down.

“I told you you’d be back.” He said, leaning against the bathroom doorframe.

“Well, you said you knew how to stitch up bullet holes.” You called back.

He pushed the door open, brow furrowed in concern that was only amplified when he saw what awaited him.

“Brought you a gift.” You said proudly, gesturing to the half dead guy in the bathtub.

A/N -

Bucky: I need help. I have a stray cat that keeps bringing me dead things. Steve: Try spritzing it with a water bottle? Bucky: *Imagining it* I don't see that going well. Sam: Catnip? Bucky: *Briefly considers it* I could try but I have doubts. Tony: Buy a dog? Bucky: It's Ex, ok? She keeps bringing me bodies. Clint: Aww, she likes you!

@keepcalmandsosayweall @shirukitsune @alina-barnes@musingpredilection @sexyvixen7 @dropthepizza346 @nighmxre @chook007 @dragonrosegardens @brazen88brat @clockworkherondale @demonlover87 @life-wanderer @joe-mazzello-is-my-dad @sireennotsiren @rootbeerboogy @spnrvt @musingsofafangirlblog

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rawcbwzx-blog · 5 years

Text

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iamjjmmma · 5 years

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Excerpt #1 of “Number All my Bones: There and Back and There Again” For Glitchtale’s Anniversary

Warning: Some heavy, heavy shit goes down.

This will eventually be a novella about 30,000 words long written by me..

This book is essentially Dr. Gaster’s memoir about what happened in between him meeting Betty and what will happen in the next episode.

Needless to say, some heavy, heavy shit goes down.

Here’s an excerpt.

Also, keep up the great work Camila. No matter how much or how well I write, I will probably never compare to your work ethic and how much your pour your heart and soul into your animations. Keep on keeping on, girl.

_______________________________________________________________

“DaaaAAAd!”

Once upon a time, when Papyrus went his own amazing way into elementary school, there was another little boy who was already in the third grade. This little boy’s name was Sans, and he was Papyrus’ brother. I loved him. I loved them both. I loved them both in different ways, but it was the same love.

But just as this little boy went home from school that day, he started doubling over in what would be the worst pain in his life or mine. There wasn’t anything he could escape from or ignore… the pain had latched onto his skeletal system, started to send his little ribs into spasms. He practically was the pain.

Of course, I knew better than to go to the pediatrician, although that would come later. This was just for the diagnosis. I had much more qualifications than they did, even though a trip to the pharmacist for some sort of prescription would be probable. I raced the whole of us to the lab, which was just a few miles away at the time, and I prepared myself for the procedures. I knew exactly which tools to produce for a biopsy, which antibiotics to ask for when the time came. I gave him some Advil, and the three of us sprinted to the lab. Since everything was compressed to less than a mile or so, having anything faster than running wasn’t our forte at all.

I can remember just how fast everything blurred on by, even when I was carrying about fifty pounds. First, snow blurred, then rain. We sprinted into the Waterfall. Sprinted into the core. When a sharp turn came, I could feel his hand digging into my coat. I looked back at him and he told me he was alright, but I could see the way his eyes crinkled just a little, just a little, and I didn’t know how fast I’d ran until Papyrus tugged at my other hand.

“Daddy?” Only five years old and already able to run without stumbling.

“Yeah, bud?”

My voice didn’t shake, but his running became a little irregular, and I knew he’d found out. My son’s pain and mine were on the same tether, the same beam. Only his was in his bones, and mine was… somewhere else, somewhere that logic doesn’t like to address.

“When are we gonna get there?”

“Almost there, son. Almost there.”

As soon as I made the diagnosis- osteomyelitis- we all made our own way, hurrying and scurrying to the hospital. The lab was just behind us, all dark. We went right around that turn, and Sans turned his head away, his eyes wet when he turned it back. Once we went in the hospital, I started my speech on how his bones were infected and the doctors had to give him antibiotics before it got any worse, but I was quickly shooed away. Before long, I found myself in the hospital seat, all of this pain tearing away at me, knowing there wasn’t anything I could do. And that was a worse pain than what he was going through.

______________________________________________________________

Nearly ten years later, I found myself in the same position, almost motionless on the floor. I couldn’t bring myself to see him again, and not one scientific principle, not one comforting fact, would bring me back up.

But Papyrus came running from the corner, and even though it was one of the most difficult things he could have done, he held out a hand and practically hoisted me up from the floor. He was tapping my shoulder, and things that were almost words, all stuttered out, came from him. I tried asking him what was wrong, but I could see the tears, and I knew that I needed to find out myself.

Something… felt different. As a scientist, I’m not supposed to say I can feel these sorts of things. It goes against logic. But it was as if my cerebrum was all discombobulated, each and every sound pouring in a different way, an eerie way. The heat pumping out of the furnace was a little colder than usual. The family pictures on the wall hung a little more crooked than usual. And there was a taste in the air that comes whenever I’m out of the house for longer than a few hours.

It was only a few hours later that I learned death had been the one to do it.

But not yet. Not yet.

“DaaaAAAAd!”

It had come from that room in the back where I’d put him, surrounded by countless IV tubes and tools for medical procedures I knew wouldn’t do anything but confirm what I already knew.

Sans.

My legs lurched forward, but everything else in me stopped. The air hung in the air, all dark and complete.

He’d woken up.

All I wanted for him was to go in peace.

I stepped inside the room, and I didn’t know I was shaking until I stepped in the door.

All I wanted for him was to not be in pain. Is that too much to ask? Isn’t it?

I could tell he was in more pain than I’ve ever been in before I even went close to him. His eyes were all blue, and the same eyes that had the type of wonder to leave even me transfixed were in pain now. His little fists were scrunched-up, grabbing the sheets like they were the only thing that would save him. His feet were kicking against the glass in the bed, and-

I couldn’t look.

I couldn’t.

#glitchtale #camila cuevas #this is nothing compared to the full novella

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choicesfanatic86 · 6 years

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TTS: Part 32 (Liam x MC)

DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Pixelberry Studios, except characters unique to my story. Those belong to me. ;)

PAIRINGS: Riley (MC) x OC, Riley (MC) x Liam, Liam x Riley (MC) x OC, Olivia x Drake, Bertrand x Savannah, Maxwell x OC

SUMMARY: She needed to get better and healthier so that her little lima bean could grow big and strong. <3

If you are new to the series and would like to catch up by reading previous parts, please check out my master fan fiction listing. CATCH UP HERE

TAGS: @herladyshipxx @theroyalweisme @blackcatkita @devineinterventions2 @hopefulmoonobject @captainkingliam @pbchoicesobsessed @cocomaxley @queencatherynerhys @mfackenthal @boneandfur @spetstoof @bobasheebaby @grapefrults @pessimystic-fangirl @dralenamax @mspaigemoore @drakelover78 @kaitycole @jayjay879 @hhiggs @umccall71 @penguininapinktuxedo @topsyturvy-dream @decisso @pnhanga @ladynonsense @mrs-simmy @jamielea81 @alwaysthebestchoice @hamulau @mrsdrakewalkerblog @crookedslimecreatorpasta @liamxsworld

5/18/18 - Sorry for the delay in this part. <3 Thank you for being patient. Updates will probably be more frequent this weekend. Thank you for all of your reviews!

PART 32 - Lima Bean

The full weight of the situation started to take over. Pregnant. Huh. She hadn’t thought of that. Of everything she thought could be causing her symptoms, pregnancy hadn’t even shown up on her radar. Riley started to feel rather foolish. How did she not know her own body? She hadn’t noticed the changes that were surely taking place inside of her. Yes, she was tired all the time, but she had just gone through a terrible breakup and work had become increasingly busy. How could it not have been a red flag that there was something more going on? The tiredness, the loss of appetite, the lightheadedness . . . all of that were telltale signs of pregnancy. She started to feel overwhelmed. A few tears cascaded down her cheeks. She hadn’t even realized she was about to cry. A baby. God, she didn’t know the first thing about babies. She didn’t have any friends with children, and being an only child herself, she never really experienced the whole looking after a baby thing. She had always wanted children. She had figured that being a mother was always a part of the bigger plan for her future. She just never expected it to be this soon . . . or under these circumstances. God, could she even handle this alone? She couldn’t tell Liam . . . not in the current state of their non-existent relationship. She hadn’t spoken to him since their blowout, and she doubted he’d want to hear from her now. It was one thing to indirectly ask Andy about her, it was completely different for her to call him out of the blue and spring the pregnancy news on him. Maybe he wouldn’t even believe her. His faith in her had certainly waivered after everything that happened with Paul.

She sighed heavily, looking at her still-flat stomach. Big changes were certainly on the way, and with or without Liam knowing, she was going to have to suck it up and accept everything that was about to come her way. Sometimes life was a bit tricky like that. It gives you what you want most at the most inopportune time. When she had envisioned a future with Liam . . . before the horrific night of the Coronation Ball . . . before he had married Madeline . . . she had pictured them with a palace full of children running around. She had wanted a family. Being an only child was lonely, and she always imagined having at least three children so that they could grow up with one another and take care of one another. She had wanted that with him. But of course, after everything that happened the dreams she had formulated in her head disappeared and she had resigned herself that she’d just have to picture a new future with someone else. Surprise! Fate had other plans.

A light tapping on the hospital room door pulled her from her thoughts. A tall woman, a little older than Riley, walked in as she struggled to push a cart with a large monitor attached to it. She also juggled a thin chart in her other hand. She brushed the hair out of her face, her eyes wandering over Riley.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Roderick,” she said smiled lightly. “I hear we’re expecting,” she said quietly.

“Hi,” she whispered, nodding a bit nervously. She didn’t know what to expect with this consultation. She was still getting accustomed to the idea of being pregnant. This was actually happening. She wasn’t even entirely sure about how she should feel about things; the idea of being pregnant felt so foreign . . . she was having a bit of difficulty wrapping her head around all of it.

“So, as you know, Dr. Diaz had some concerns about your health. I’m glad he went the extra mile and did all that blood work because now we have a better idea of what’s going on. Your hCG levels are high, which is a great sign. That means the pregnancy is progressing well. But, some of your other levels worry me,” she frowned scanning her chart. “You’re anemic, which is a big concern because that means you’re not producing enough red blood cells. It doesn’t help that you’re underweight. That, along with the fall yesterday, could mean some pretty serious issues for your pregnancy,” she said nervously. “Have you had any cramping? Any unusual sensations?”

Riley shook her head. She started to feel overwhelmed. She wished she didn’t have to do this by herself. “No, but my leg really hurts . . . nothing else is bothering me. In fact, I feel a little better today,” she murmured.

“That’s the IV fluids we’re giving you. Your body was really run down, and needed the extra boost to get your body kick started again. I’m glad to hear the fluids are helping,” she smiled. “Dr. Diaz notated here that you’ve been experiencing some spells of lightheadedness?” she mentioned, changing the subject.

“Yes, I think that’s why I fell. Actually, I know that’s why I fell. I felt a bit out of it and just couldn’t right myself again in time.”

Dr. Roderick nodded, jotting down everything that Riley said. “We need to do an ultrasound to make sure everything is okay with the baby,” she explained. “It’ll give us an idea of how far along you are, and if the trauma from the accident caused any sort of internal damage.”

Riley sucked in a breath. She hadn’t even thought of that. Here she was thinking about how busted up she was, she hadn’t even thought of the implications of all of this regarding the baby. A terrible wave of fear rushed over her. “Do you think that something could be wrong?”

Dr. Roderick busied herself setting up the ultrasound machine and monitor. “We won’t really know until we get some imaging of the baby,” she explained. “If you’d lost the pregnancy, I’d expect to see a lower hCG count.”

Riley sighed. “I’ve been thinking about things as I’ve been sitting here . . .and I wasn’t really taking the best care of myself . . . I didn’t know . . . about the baby,” she paused, feeling a bit ashamed that she’d let things get to such a point. “I drank a lot of energy drinks over the last couple of weeks . . . maybe had a bit of alcohol . . .”

Dr. Roderick nodded. “Yes, well unfortunately that’s definitely not good for a developing fetus,” she frowned. “It can lead to miscarriages, low birth rate, some developmental delays. The first trimester is crucial in the development of all the vital organs.”

Riley’s panic increased. “God, I feel so stupid,” she said sadly. Her mind shifted to something Dr. Diaz had mentioned this morning . . . about being a little worried about the scans they did on her. “I had a lot of x-rays done at the ER, and a CT scan. Is that going to be a problem?”

“Technically, you aren’t supposed to have those sorts of tests done when you’re pregnant,” she acknowledged. “In your situation, even if we didn’t know about the pregnancy, the necessity of the tests outweighed the risk. With a head injury and a likely fracture, we needed confirmation to figure out the best course of treatment. If I were in your shoes, I would have still had the imaging studies done,” she reassured her.

Riley could only nod, letting the information sink in. She couldn’t stop worrying now. Everything that happened over the last few weeks had led her here, and now . . . well, she didn’t know what was going to happen.

“This is a lot, I know. I wish I could tell you that things will get easier,” she smiled lightly. “Let’s do that ultrasound now, shall we?”

Riley nodded, her nerves started to get the better of her.

“Just a bit of gel over your abdomen okay?” Dr. Roderick motioned to the tube of jelly that she as about to squeeze onto Riley’s stomach.

Riley’s body shivered at the unexpected coolness. Dr. Roderick moved the wand around her abdomen going a bit lower beneath her belly button. She sucked in a breath, the anxiety working its way over her body. Dr. Roderick started intently at the monitor, continuing to move the wand all around. Riley couldn’t make out what she was looking for on the screen. It just looked like a black and white static-like image to her. Dr. Roderick paused, pushing the wand a bit more firmly into Riley’s belly. Her furrowed eyebrows and steely stare worried Riley. She knew that wasn’t a good sign. She hadn’t had a lot of experience with pregnancy or babies . . . none at all actually . . . but every TV show that had a pregnant lady getting an ultrasound showed a blob-like image on the screen and you could hear a whooshing sound in the background. None of that was happening here. Wasn’t that supposed to happen already? It’d been a month and a half since Cordonia, she had to at least nearly two months along.

“Is something wrong?” Riley asked, her voice just above a whisper. She felt so sick. She knew that something wasn’t right. She may not have gone through this before, but she was smart enough to realize that the doctor’s silence meant something was gravely amiss. She looked at the screen intently, not really knowing what to look for herself. She hadn’t realized she’d been holding her breath, until Dr. Roderick placed a calming hand on her shoulder. “It’s not unusual to be unable to see the baby if you’re pretty early in your pregnancy,” she explained. “There’s another type of ultrasound that we’re going to have to do. It’s called a transvaginal ultrasound,” she explained, bringing out a thinner, longer wand from under the ultrasound cart.

“Oh,” Riley murmured understanding. “Okay,” she shrugged, just wanted to get things over with so she could make sure everything was alright with the baby. “That gets inserted . . .down there,” she asked looking at Dr. Roderick for confirmation, her eyes

“Yes,” Dr. Roderick nodded. “It looks a bit scary, but I promise you that it’s only just a little uncomfortable. Think of it like going for your annual gynecological exam,” Dr. Roderick reassured her.

She blushed. When had her life gotten so complicated? She hadn’t even heard of a transvaginal ultrasound until this moment, and quite honestly, she probably could have gone the rest of her life without needing to have one. But she needed it. She needed to know that the baby was okay.

Riley couldn’t help but think the worst. If they couldn’t find the baby this way, she had a faint idea of what that meant, and she was hoping it hadn’t come to that. Riley shifted her legs uncomfortably, her leg fracture making much movement difficult. As Dr. Roderick inserted the offending wand into her, all Riley could think of was that she was right. It was uncomfortable, but way worse than an annual gynecological exam. She cringed a little, but her eyes never left the monitor. As uncomfortable as it was, all Riley could think about was being able to see her baby. She hadn’t realized until that moment how much she had actually wanted this baby. All the fears she had this morning when she had first found out suddenly vanished and were replaced by a much bigger one . . . what if, in her lack of self-care, she’d cost her baby his or her life?

There was an unsettling silence in the room, and Riley could swear that she could hear her own heartbeat echoing loudly, thumping away nervously. She knew her anxiety was in high gear because she could feel her palms sweating and her limbs started to tingle. Finally, Dr. Roderick turned to her, and moved the screen closer to Riley so that she could see.

“There’s your baby,” she smiled lightly, her hand motioning to the center where a bean looking figure floated. “You see that right there?” she asked, pointing to a little fluttering movement. “That’s your little baby’s heartbeat,” she pointed out.

Riley’s mouth formed an awe-struck “o.” How crazy was that? That was her baby. Suddenly, all of her anxiety and nerves flew out of the window and were replaced by sheer joy. Her baby was okay. Her baby had a heartbeat. She felt like she was going to cry from the relief of it all. She’d been so tense and worried that she finally had a chance to revel in the sheer wonder of this special moment. “That’s amazing,” she murmured quietly. “He looks like a little lima bean,” she chuckled, her eyes never leaving the screen.

Dr. Roderick nodded in acknowledgement. “Do you have the date of your last period?” Dr. Roderick asked, clicking around and snapping images from the screen.

“Um, I haven’t really been keeping track,” she explained. “I was abroad, and then I came back. I had been swamped with work,” she trailed off.

“How about a date of conception? An estimated time frame of when you were sexually active?” Dr. Roderick questioned.

Riley blushed. There were so many questions . . . so much Dr. Roderick needed to know. The consequence of amazing, mind-blowing, heart-stopping sex was pregnancy, and with pregnancy came a whole slew of awkward questions that she wished she didn’t have to answer. She couldn’t exactly tell this doctor that she was pretty much on a sexual bender for over a week in Europe.

“Last week of April, first week of May,” she mumbled lightly, unable to make eye contact with Dr. Roderick. She was a grown woman, and still, the concept of discussing her sexual escapades with someone other than her friends gave her the heeby jeebies.

“Okay, she did a little bit of a mental calculation. I’d place you at about nine weeks,” she explained. “Maybe a little closer to ten, but we’ll stick with nine,” she explained.

“Wow, that far along,” Riley exhaled. That sounded about right. “How the heck did I not know?” She shook her head, displeased with herself again. She began to mentally scold herself for not eating better or getting enough sleep. All of that had contributed to her current predicament. She wasn’t just dealing with her life anymore. She had a whole other person to consider from here on out.

“It happens more often than you think,” she nodded, still doing some measurements on the screen. “You are measuring a little small, but with the malnutrition and the exhaustion, I’m not surprised,” she frowned. “I want to refer you to a high-risk obstetrician.”

“High-risk?” Riley squeaked out, a little in shock. “Why?”

“Everything looks okay right now, but like I said, you’re measuring a little smaller than expected, and I’d like someone who is more skilled with this sort of thing to keep track of the baby’s development. Your regular OB-GYN could probably handle this, but I’d feel better knowing someone is monitoring you a bit more closely. At least until you’re in a healthier state,” she added. “Taking care of your body is crucial right now is very important in this early stage,” she explained.

Riley was still focusing on the word high-risk. She’d just found out about this little lima bean and now she could possibly lose him? No. She wouldn’t let that happen. She’d follow every instruction; go see whoever they wanted her to see. Hell if she had to stay on bed rest, she’d do it. She wasn’t prepared at how attached she’d gotten in just the matter of a few short hours. She’d gone from feeling so surprised and unsure of everything to loving the little lima bean growing inside of her. It was funny how that had worked – how she’d become so willing to do everything in her power to protect her unborn child.

“I’ll get you set up with one of my colleagues . . . an appointment maybe in a week? I don’t see anything wrong with discharging you, but I want to do a different panel of blood tests. At least to get an idea of how your counts look. Okay?”

Riley nodded fervently. “Whatever you need me to do, I’ll do it,” she said firmly.

“Good.” She smiled. “I’m going to send up some samples of some prenatal vitamins. You’re going to need to start taking those right away, iron pills daily, and you’re going to need to stay hydrated. The IV is giving you a lot of fluids, but you’re going to need a lot more water and juices to get stronger,” she smiled. “I’ll put some of the orders in, and hopefully you’ll be out of her by three this afternoon.”

“Thank you. Thanks a lot,” she smiled lightly.

“Until then, get lots of rest, and I’ll see you when it’s time for discharge,” she said quickly as she started to pack up the ultrasound machine as she left the room.

Riley barely had a moment to herself when she heard a small tapping from outside the door.

“Sorry,” the soft voice murmured. Alicia popped her head around the curtain. “They told me they were running more tests, and asked me to wait outside,” she explained. “Everything okay?” She asked. “I thought I saw an ultrasound machine?”

Riley blushed profusely. Was she ready to start telling people about the lima bean? Shouldn’t she tell Liam first? Was she going to tell Liam at all? She sighed, shaking the thought from her head. That was a worry for another day. Her first priority was getting stronger, and taking care of the little lima bean.

“Yes,” she sighed heavily. “Turns out, I had a bit of a surprise passenger aboard my uterus,” she chuckled, trying to make the uncomfortable situation a little less awkward.

“Oh?” Alicia looked at her in confusion. “OH!” she said a bit more surely, after a few moments. What Riley had been inferring suddenly clicked. “You’re pregnant?” She said, a smile playing on her lips.

“Apparently,” she nodded. “It explains a lot actually. Turns out I wasn’t a hot mess for no good reason,” she laughed. “The exhaustion, loss of appetite, all of that were just early pregnancy symptoms, I guess. I didn’t even piece it together. Still think it’s pretty crazy,” she said wistfully.

“Wow,” she murmured, taken aback by the news. “Did you want me to try and call Paul again? I mean, he should be here. I’m sure he’d want to know,” Alicia bit her lip nervously as she saw Riley’s face fall. “I’m sorry . . . I know that wasn’t my place,” she turned away from her, a bit flustered.

“Oh, this baby isn’t Paul’s,” she said a bit bashfully. “My ex-boyfriend . . . when I was in Europe . . .” she struggled to find the right words “ . . . we kind of rekindled something back in Europe, and I guess I came home with a souvenir,” she shrugged.

“Oh,” Alicia murmured, a bit embarrassed. “I just assumed . . . I’m going to shut up now,” her cheeks started to flush.

“It’s okay . . . it’s a long story, and I don’t really want to get into it right now,” she sighed. “I don’t want to think about anything beyond getting better and healthier so that this little lima bean can grow big and strong,” she smiled, her eyes wandering to stomach.

“Lima bean?” Alicia arched her eyebrows.

Riley shrugged. “I don’t know . . . the name just came to me when I saw his ultrasound picture,” she chuckled. “Thought it was fitting since he kind of looked like a lima bean,” she smiled warmly.

“Well, this is all pretty cool, Boss,” she smiled brightly. “You’re going to be an amazing mom . . . and you know what . . . after everything that’s happened, it’s nice that a blessing came from all of this chaos, huh?” She motioned to Riley’s banged up leg.

“It’s a miracle the baby survived the tumble come to think of it,” Riley sighed. “So much could have gone so wrong,” she said sadly. “Yet here we are,” she smiled again, this time her eyes glistened a little, she moved one of her hands to her stomach. “It still doesn’t feel real,” she admitted. She tried to sit herself up on the bed a bit more, her leg was starting to feel uncomfortable.

Alicia noticed the wince, and tried to help her adjust herself on the bed. “So, I think I’m going to crash at your place for a while. My roommate can spend a week or two by herself, and I can just hang out at your place until you get used to that thing,” she motioned to the immobilizer. “Plus, I’m sure things like cooking and getting around for appointments and stuff are going to be hard on you for a while,” she reasoned. “You’re going to need someone to help you around your apartment.”

“That’s very kind of you, but I can’t put you out like that. I mean, you’ve already done so much,” she motioned to the backpack slung across Alicia’s shoulder. “I don’t want you to feel obligated. I’ll manage,” she assured her.

“I don’t feel obligated. I want to help,” she smiled earnestly. “Plus, it will make me taking care of work issues easier, too. I can handle the consults and come back and run ideas with you. I don’t want you to worry about anything until you can get around again. I’ve got your covered.”

Riley looked at her gratefully. “Well, I guess I can’t refuse then,” Riley said thankfully. “Thank you . . . it means a lot.”

“So, when are we busting you out?” Alicia asked, slinging the backpack down to unpack her fresh clothes and toiletries.

“Not until around three they think. They want to do another blood panel and they’re going to send up some prenatal vitamins and iron pills.”

True to her word, Dr. Roderick had Riley’s discharge paperwork ready at two-forty five on the dot, and boy were there a lot of paperwork. Who knew that having a baby would involve so many pamphlets and fact sheets? The little lima bean wasn’t even out yet, and it looked like Riley would be kept pretty busy preparing herself on everything she was to expect during the pregnancy. The overwhelmed feeling she had earlier that morning had returned, but thankfully, she didn’t have to face all of this alone this time. Alicia was there to give her the encouragement needed to push forward and take things one step at a time.

When they arrived back at her apartment, all Riley wanted to do was sleep. Alicia encouraged her to get some rest, promising to return later that evening with some of her own clothes and essentials to get her by over the course of the next few weeks. Riley was a bit excited at the prospect of having a roommate again, albeit a temporary one. She was still happy that she wouldn’t have to spend another night alone in the apartment. Alicia had also promised that she’d swing by the pharmacy to pick up Riley’s prescriptions and look around for a few pregnancy essentials that her sister had sworn by when she was pregnant with her nephew. Riley couldn’t help but think how lucky she was to have Alicia to help her with all of this. She really didn’t know how she would have managed on her own. Getting around with a bum leg and crutches was not as easy as she had thought it would be. Her balance issues were further complicated by the perpetual woozy feeling that had returned with a vengeance. The woozy feeling made her head spin both literally and figuratively. It was almost as if she couldn’t catch a break. Pregnancy had not been kind to her thus far, and she had only hoped that the pamphlet she read on the ride home was right . . . it would end once she made it past the first trimester.

A little after Alicia had left, Riley tried to fall asleep, but just couldn’t get comfortable. Her mind couldn’t shut off, and she found herself suddenly feeling extremely nauseated. She wondered if it was from the concussion or if the lima bean was causing her stomach to go topsy turvy. It didn’t take long before the nauseated feeling turned into a full blown ‘I’m going to vomit’ feeling. She stumbled around her bedroom, trying to make it to the bathroom, but she failed miserably. She only made it to the hallway before her stomach had no choice but to empty itself right then and there. She braced herself on the wall, allowing the little contents of her stomach to pour out.

She had hoped that would be it, but a second wave of nausea followed, and she had been wise enough to awkwardly high-tail it into the bathroom, nearly missing the toilet, but making it nonetheless. This had to be purely psychological. She hadn’t felt nauseated at all over the last seven weeks, then suddenly, she learns she’s pregnant and morning sickness kicks in full effect. Her mind was playing tricks on her. That had to be it. She braced herself against the toilet and the sensation came over her again. There was nothing left in her stomach. She was dry heaving, bile burning her throat. It had taken a lot out of her. Having already been so weak from the exhaustion and loss of appetite, she felt even worse after her vomiting episode. She laid herself on the cold tile of her bathroom floor, unable to move. She just couldn’t bring herself to pull herself together. She looked around at the bathroom floor, the fact that she hadn’t cleaned in ages crossing her mind briefly, before another thought of not caring replaced it. Dust bunnies and dirt be damned, she started to think the bathroom floor was going to be her new home. Moving away from there just didn’t’ feel right at that point. She closed her eyes briefly, wishing the nausea away. She allowed herself to give into the exhaustion she’d been enduring, and finally succumbed to sleep.

It had to be an hour or two later when Riley heard her apartment door open. She sighed in relief. Alicia was back. “Salvation,” she whispered to herself. Hopefully she had the anti-nausea medication that would make this horrendous feeling go away. She cringed remembering she had a huge mess to clean up in the hallway. She forced herself up, gently avoiding putting any weight on her injured leg. She didn’t want Alicia to see the mess and attempt to clean it. That would be the lowest of the low moments in Riley’s life. She dragged herself over to the bathroom sink to splash some water over her pale face, careful to avoid the bandage on her forehead. She studied her injury, noting that the bruising around her eye was starting to appear. She looked like a train wreck. She washed her mouth out thoroughly, trying to get the putrid taste of bile out of her mouth before she ambled out of the tiny bathroom.

“Alicia, I’m going to clean up my mess in the hallway, I just . . . I couldn’t make it in time,” she said in embarrassment. She hopped along awkwardly, using the crutches to maneuver herself into the living room. “Don’t go in the bathroom okay? I’m going to clean that, too.”

“Oh Thank God,” a high-pitched voice screamed, before flying into a fit of tears. “I’ve been so worried,” the voice sobbed, running up to her.

Everything was a blur. Riley stumbled backward, caught off guard by the unexpected presence in the living room. “Andy? What on Earth are you doing here?” she exclaimed.

#choices #choices: stories you play #playchoices #choices fandom #choices the royal romance #the royal romance #theroyalromance #the royal romance fan fic #royal romance #liam x mc #liam x riley #trr fanfic #trr #choices trr #trr fic #trr au

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cuteeiji · 7 years

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ostinato || part four

summary: the road keeps bending back upon itself, and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. time loop au [start here] [part two] [part three] [wither] warnings: canon major character death, suicide, violence word count: 7637

iv.

“And sore must be the storm That could abash the little bird That kept so many warm.”

—Emily Dickinson, “Hope is the Thing With Feathers”

It wasn’t supposed to be this way, he thinks amidst the chaos. There’s a numbness running through his veins as he reaches out to grab her hand, fingers trembling, his vision swirling like a hurricane. The water pouring down on them is icy, and he feels her shudder against him as she cries.

“Natalie,” he says weakly, cupping her cheek with his shaking hand. He says it again, a broken litany that spills off his lips and cuts through the pounding water.

“Don’t,” she whispers. He can feel her hot tears dripping onto his skin. “Please, don’t.”

Amidst his swirling, hazy thoughts, he knows that this is it. The end, not in a hailstorm of fire and blood, but in the white of the tiles, the white of her skin, the endless white noise that he feels himself slowly, surely drowning in.

He never wanted it to end like this.

[8:52 AM]

“So you’re telling me,” Natalie says, bringing her knees to her chest, “that you’re stuck in some sort of…”

“Time loop, yes,” Lucifer confirms.

She leans back against her bedpost, looking at him carefully. Her hair sways loose and vibrant in the morning light, and she absently tucks a few strands behind her ear as she processes his words. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, of course I’m sure,” he says, running a hand through his hair. “I’ve been trapped in this nightmare for way too long for it to be some kind of weird dream.”

There’s a tension in the silence that follows, a string of unspoken words floating in the air. Natalie tilts her head, looking morbidly curious, and lets them fall out of her mouth. “How...how long is way too long?”

He grimaces, his gaze dropping to the hems of sunlight spilling through the curtains and onto her floor. “About a month,” he says. It’s been thirty three days, to be more specific. Seven hundred and ninety two hours. Forty seven thousand, five hundred and fifty minutes, all neatly wrapped up into one tiny loop, an unwanted gift that keeps on giving anyway.

“Jeez,” she breathes, eyes widening. “And this is the first time you’ve told me?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

He scratches his head, still averting his gaze. He wants to tell her about how he stepped into hallowed grounds of his own accord, had prayed to his father like a stranger and received an answer in return. He wants to tell her that now, there’s a small flicker of hope burning in his stomach, and that it makes him more terrified than he’s ever been.

He wants to tell her everything.

“I… you had worse things to worry about,” he says, biting the words down before he can speak them.

“If it’s the same day, then won’t I still have to worry about them?” She asks, sniffling a little. He grabs the familiar tissue box and hands it to her.

“Not right now,” he says. “Hopefully this will all be over before you need to even think about...that.”

She shifts to fold her legs together, placing her hands on her knees. He’s seen her enough on this day to outline the hollows in her cheeks, her sunken eyes and blanched complexion and the subtle shine of perspiration on her forehead.

“Does it have to do with me being sick?” She asks, ignoring him. She pauses and narrows her eyes at him. “And why are your horns like that?”

“Jesus Christ, give me a break,” he complains, ignoring his clenching heart. “Don’t make me regret telling you about this.”

“You aren’t telling me everything, though,” Natalie says quietly. “You do that a lot.”

“What do you mean?” he says, catching the hurt in her tired eyes and the slight shakiness in her voice.

“What do you think I mean?” She asks, voice pained. “You ask me to trust you, and I do! I promise, I do, but I’m tired of you keeping things from me. I’m your best friend, Lucifer. I love you, and I’d trust you with my life, so why don’t you trust me?”

“What do you want me to say?” Lucifer snaps back, struggling to keep his voice down. “What do you want me to tell you? That I’ve had to watch you die over and over again with no way of stopping it? That I have no clue how to get us out of this mess? That I’ve tried every hospital, every magic trick, every damn thing that you could possibly think of to save you and I still wake up every morning at 8:24 AM and watch you fade away without a damn clue how to help you? Is that what you want to fucking hear?”

He lets the words settle in, gritting his teeth together, ignoring the stinging in his eyes that’s become annoyingly familiar. He inhales, clenching his shaking hands.

Natalie stares at him in complete silence, eyes wide.

Lucidity creeps back into his head as he breathes, his own words echoing back on him, sharper and sharper with every reverberation until the implications of what he’s said finally sink in.

“Shit,” he says shakily. “I—I didn’t mean for you to find out that way.”

She shakes her head, and he’s horrified to see her eyes shining with unshed tears.

“Kid—”

“I’m so sorry.”

He flinches, not expecting those words to come from her mouth. “What?”

“I’m so sorry,” she repeats, voice trembling. “No one should have to go through something like that. That’s so horrible.”

Wait. Was she...

“The fuck?” Lucifer says. “Are you crying for me? Did you miss the part where I said you were dying?”

“No, but...” she says, sniffling, “but you’re the one who has to remember it.”

He stares at her silently, incredulous. She still keeps finding ways to mystify him, even when each second he lives is recycled thirty three times over.

“You’re unbelievable,” he says, echoing his scattered thoughts.

She laughs a little, the air rattling through her throat before turning into a cough, and another, and another. She hunches over, one arm folding around her stomach while the other presses roughly against her lips, stifling the sound. He knows the drill by now, knows the way to sink onto the mattress next to her and place a hand on her back until her body stops trying to force itself out of her skin.

She breathes heavily, tiredly, and leans into him. She burns against his skin.

“Thank you,” she whispers, voice lost in the scratchiness of her throat. “I don’t know why you’re doing all this for me.”

He swallows; he knows where this conversation is going.

“Don’t sweat it, kid,” he deflects. “It’s the least I can do after you cleared up the mess in my head.”

She shakes her head, her hair brushing against his arm. “No, you could’ve left. Even with the time loop thing, you could’ve left and tried to figure this stuff out on your own.”

Natalie looks up at him. “Why didn’t you leave? You love me or something?”

Lucifer is silent. He doesn’t know what to say. How could he bring those words to spill out into the air, living proof of the way his heart is crushing him like glass under pressure? He didn’t realize it at first, that he was handing bite-sized pieces of himself to her, at least not until she faded away and took them all with her.

When he says it, it becomes real, it becomes the way that his world crashes down in front of him with the ceasing of her breath. It becomes the way he feels: achingly, fearfully, terribly. It’s handing her his heart on a silver platter just in time for her to wither to dust.

You love me or something?

Of course he fucking does.

“I do, you know,” she says gently. “I love you, Lucifer.”

He’s just too much of a coward to say it.

“...I can’t watch you die again,” he offers, as good of an answer as he can manage. His hand clenches into a fist. “I just can’t, Natalie.”

A small hand covers his curled fingers, and he looks down at them numbly. She waits for him to relax, turn his palm over, before sliding her fingers in between his. “Then we better find a way to fix this, shouldn’t we?” she says, in that ridiculously optimistic tone of hers. She squeezes his hand, looking up at him with such certainty and trust he almost forgets how many times he’s failed before this.

(Almost.)

“I told you, I’ve tried everything,” he says bitterly. “It all ends the same.”

Natalie pauses, contemplating, curious.

“What happened the first time that I…?” She doesn’t continue.

Lucifer sighs. “We went to the coast and found Pestilence. I tried to make a deal with her but it didn’t work out.”

“Then we should retrace our steps,” she says simply, standing up. “Go back to when and where it all started.”

“That’s pointless,” he says. “I don’t know how, but she knows about the loop. That makes her unpredictable. I tried to find her again a couple times but she’s skipped town by now.”

“If she knows about the loop then that’s all the more reason to track her down,” Natalie argues. “She may not be in town, but she might still be in the area.”

He doesn’t want to tell her why he’s so reluctant, why he doesn’t want to travel miles and miles to that small coastal town that’s become the bane of his existence. The place where he first lost her in that shitty, dirty motel room. The place where she got sick to begin with. Still, it’s the most logical course of action. He pinches the bridge of his nose between his fingers.

“You’re right,” he says tiredly. Of course she is. “Let’s go.”

Natalie nods, walking over to her dresser. “What about my dad?” She asks as she picks through her clothes.

“What do you mean?” He asks.

She looks up at him. “He’s going to notice I’m gone, right?”

Lucifer pauses. “I’ll have one of my followers come and fill in for you, if you want.”

She nods. “I don’t want to worry him. He’s gone through enough already.”

He exhales, reaching for her phone. “Alright, kid.”

He doesn’t mention that the meaning of taking other people into consideration has started to slip past him as the days dragged on and inverted on themselves, the point of existing becoming more and more elusive. When time reflects on itself there are no consequences to worry about, nothing to hide. Nothing to live for.

Except for her, a small voice in the back of his mind whispers.

He doesn’t know why she’s been an unyielding exception to his apathy. If he thinks about it, she’s always been that way, a thorn in his side that managed to irritate him with a single word, with a sly look, with her very existence. He isn’t sure when annoyance turned into the ache of caring, but without him knowing she had wound herself too tightly around his heart for him to untangle her from it.

“...Lucifer?”

“Hm?” He says, turning to look at her. She seems so concerned, unease inscribed on the lines of her forehead, and he realizes that he’s been standing still, staring at the phone silently for a good minute or so.

He mentally shakes himself.

“Sorry,” he says, the word bitterly familiar rolling off his lips. “Zoned out.”

She forces a laugh, pulling out a pair of light wash jeans. It sounds genuine, but he can see the worry in the red of her eyes, the subtle shift of her hands to her chest, trying to protect what’s underneath her skin.

“It’s kinda worrying,” she says lightly, her gaze fixed on her clothes. She picks out her dark red devil shirt to go with her jeans.

“Well,” Lucifer says, imagining that shirt stained with bile and sweat, attached to a motionless body in a hotel bed, on the floor of a hospital, on the rocky cliff overlooking the sea. “A month in hell will do that to you. We’ll leave as soon as your stand-in gets here.”

She was right, on that day in the pool. The devil can’t feel guilt, can’t feel the strange mix of ice and fire and overwhelming nausea that makes his hands tremble and throat swell with all the things he couldn’t fix. The devil can’t choke on the history of things he’s left unsaid, again and again and again. He should be numb to all of this. He shouldn’t be able to feel it.

He feels it anyway.

Not for the first time, he wonders if he’s becoming something else.

[9:43 AM]

The bus ride up, she’s quieter than usual. She had probably seen the bottle of cheap whiskey underneath Alex’s recliner. He had missed that the first time around, glanced past it like it was nothing. Once, he could see people’s weaknesses like they were neon lights swirling above their head, a weapon that he used whenever he had the chance. The edges of his vision used to be so much sharper.

“I know what you saw,” he says, his voice low and soft so that the rest of the passengers can’t hear them. “I’m sorry.”

Things were easier when he didn’t care.

He hears her inhale, the air seeping into her failing lungs. Something catches on her throat and she coughs, arms coming up to cover her face as she heaves. The bus riders glance at her nervously. They’ve probably seen the news too, keeping their arms close to their sides, not touching anything or anyone. He sees a woman slowly rub sanitizer onto her hands, shooting Natalie a dirty look as she did so. He glowers at her, and his angry, catlike eyes are enough to drive her stare away.

“It’s okay,” she says roughly, wiping her mouth with her sleeve. “Well, it’s not okay. I don’t know what I’m going to do.” She looks down at her knees, eyes still glazed over.

He sighs. “I know it’s hard, but you’re gonna have to focus on one thing at a time, and right now that’s getting you better.”

“But—my dad—”

“Kid, you need to stop trying to fix everyone for once and worry about yourself,” he says roughly, folding his arms. “You remember what’s at stake, right?”

She doesn’t answer him. Instead, she brings her burning gaze to his eyes.

“When all of this is over,” she says softly, “can you help him?”

He pauses. He isn’t even sure if he can help her, let alone her father, but there’s fear in her eyes and her fingers are digging harshly into her old jeans. Lucifer sighs.

“I’ll try,” he promises.

Condemnation is something that he’s become well-acquainted to; he used to meet it nightly in scummy bars, in pried off wedding rings and booze and the crisp flipping of cards on beer-stained tables. He’s been on every end of it, both victim and arbiter. Throughout the millennia he’s been here, it’s crept into his skin, become a part of him as wholly and completely as his own flesh.

Satan, the adversary. The tempter of man. The condemner of souls.

He should’ve known that he would damn her too.

The water keeps on falling.

[2:34 PM]

As soon as they get off the bus the smell of the town hits him like a punch to the throat, the scent of tobacco and salt flooding his senses. He’s been here too many times.

“You okay?” Natalie asks.

“Fine,” he replies curtly. “So, in this grand plan of yours, how do you suggest finding Pestilence?”

“She shouldn’t be far,” she says firmly.

“Why not?”

“Well, it’s her job to get people sick, right? But the time loop is making it so that she can’t finish her job here, and if she does, it just resets. She can’t have travelled much from here in the past few hours.”

“That’s true, but regardless of whether she starts the day here she’s moved on from the casino.”

“Aren’t there other ways of gambling besides there?” Natalie asks. “We can just find those places and check them off if she isn’t there.”

“That’s...actually not a bad idea,” he says.

“Glad to be of service,” she says, sticking her tongue out good-naturedly. “There shouldn’t be too many places that she could go, right?”

Wrong.

“So, there are fifteen possible spots in the area that Pestilence could be at,” he says, squinting down at the piece of paper. It was a bitch to get the bartender to fess up the underground locations, but Lucifer is nothing if not convincing.

Natalie groans. “I thought it would be much less than that.”

“It’s more than what we had before, kid.”

“Can we narrow it down any more?” She asks.

“Well, I doubt she’d be at the casino; she’s been there before.”

“Maybe she’s been jumping to places based on distance? Getting farther away as time passes?” Natalie says.

“Maybe,” he says thoughtfully. “She wouldn’t stay in one spot for more than two or three days. It’s been thirty three, so she’d be at the first or second furthest location by now.”

“What are they?”

“One is an ongoing underground poker tournament. The other is a fighting ring.”

“Like at the bar?” She asks.

He grimaces, Ipos and Sheila’s faces floating to the surface of his thoughts. “Yeah, like at the bar,” he says, turning away. “Let’s go.”

Natalie pauses, biting her lip. “Maybe we should split up and look at both locations. It’ll be faster.”

The idea of her alone, surrounded by scum who would gladly take advantage of her, makes his fingers curl. He whips his head around to face her. “Hell no. Even if you weren’t sick that would still be a terrible idea.”

Her mouth opens slightly in protest, but she seems to think better of it, and shuts it.

He glances at the addresses, scrawled hurriedly on the back of the receipt. “Besides, they’re both in the industrial district. It won’t take that much extra time to go together.”

“Okay, okay, you win,” Natalie says. “Where to?”

“The poker place,” he says. “It’s more likely to be going on in the middle of the afternoon. Plus it’s probably cleaner.”

“Why does that matter?”

“Pestilence doesn’t like germs too much, ironically enough. She’ll be drawn to a place with less blood and sweaty people.”

“That’s weird,” Natalie says, clearing her throat. He simply nods in reply, shoving his hands and the crumpled receipt into his pockets.

“Come on; we don’t have much time,” he says, starting to walk. He hears the soft footfalls of Natalie moving to follow him.

“I know you’re afraid, but I’m not. You’ve always been there to save me,” Natalie says from behind him.

He doesn’t stop walking, but he knows she’ll catch the way he tenses at her words.

“What if I can’t this time?” Lucifer asks quietly. Somewhere along the lines, bravado became something frivolous, meaningless. He can hear the uncertainty in his own voice.

Suddenly she’s beside him, hand reaching out to slip her fingers through the gaps in his.

“We can do this,” she says, and smiles in a way that makes him ache.

He kissed her, one time around.

He isn’t quite sure why. Maybe the increasing fear that he’d never escape this special brand of hell, the rising knowledge that he had both nothing and everything to lose when the clock hit 8:24 AM. Maybe just to have that memory to keep, even if she never would. As he pulled away from her, she looked at him with something that seemed strangely like awe.

She brought her hand up to her mouth, as if she could still feel the pressure of his there, lingering on her skin.

“You kissed me,” she had said, a smile playing on her lips. It was one of the few that wasn’t a grimace or a feeble attempt to convince him that she wasn’t burning up from the inside out.

He holds onto that. Her smile. Her words. Her voice.

A reminder to stay, for her sake.

[3:32 PM]

The whole place smells like old smoke, dust clinging to the heavy curtains pulled over the windows. Tables are scattered around the warehouse, figures huddled tightly around them. He squints through the harsh fluorescent lighting, eyes darting from one player to the next.

Natalie places a hand cautiously on his arm. “What do we do?” She whispers.

He doesn’t answer, his gaze still flitting across the open room. A flash of white catches his eye, and he sees her, still wearing that dress, just like she did over a month ago. He sucks in a deep breath.

“She’s here. Let’s go,” he says, starting to walk, towing Natalie along with him.

The edges of his vision are blurry; all he can see is that platinum hair, the sway of her dress as she places a card down. Distantly, he registers the security guards hovering around the tables, but he doesn’t slow as he approaches the group of players in the corner of the warehouse.

“Keens!” he yells. Natalie jumps.

She slowly turns to him, a smirk on her face. “Hello, Stan. You’ve found me.”

“You weren’t hard to find. All we needed to do was follow your filthy trail to the nearest gambling place and lo and behold, here you are,” he says, seething.

“You sound angry, Stan,” she says. “Was it something I said?”

Nothing you do is going to stop this, Lucifer. There’s no point. Your pretty little friend is just going to keep dying, and you’re going to have to deal with it.

“We need to talk to you,” he says, ignoring her query.

“I’d love to, but I’d like to finish this game first,” she says lightly, glancing back at the other players. “It’s been a boring month and I just got here.”

She’s taunting him, he knows, but it doesn’t stop him from seeing red. His closed fist slams down onto the table, its legs snapping and collapsing in on themselves. The other players shout out in alarm; chips fly everywhere, landing on the ground with sharp clacks. The cards fall like a hailstorm, sliding across the floor and glimmering in the harsh lighting.

“Game’s over, Conquest,” he says roughly, shrugging off the guards trying to grab him. “We’re going.”

She sighs, standing up. “Let’s go to the back room.” She glances at the other players, scrambling to pick up their chips. “Sorry, boys, if you’ll excuse me.”

She whispers something to a security guard, and he nods, backing away. She raises an eyebrow at him. “You could have gotten me to come with you without causing a ruckus.”

“Force of habit,” he says curtly, following her as she turns away from him. “You know I'm not good at doing things quietly.”

The back room isn’t much more than a closet, unfurnished and dimly lit by a single hanging light. Pestilence folds her arms. “So. What are you gambling this time around, Lucifer?”

“Gambling?” Natalie echoes.

“I’m not gambling anything,” Lucifer says, an answer to both of them. “I want to trade.”

“Oh?” Pestilence says, eyes narrowing. “You do realize that Ipos’ book isn’t valuable enough to trade for something as big as what you’re asking for.”

“Who said I was talking about Ipos’ book?” He says, heart beating a little faster.

Her lip quirks up into a half smile. “Elaborate.”

He takes a deep breath, fighting to keep his hands from trembling. “I know what you’re looking for, and I’m willing to give them to you in exchange for the girl’s health.”

Natalie jerks her head up to look at him. “Dude, you never said anything about a trade—”

“Are you serious?” Pestilence asks, her expression shifting to one of...pity? “Are you seriously telling me that you’re willing to give up your—”

“Yes, I’m serious,” he interrupts. “I would give up anything at this point to get out of this fucking loop.”

He gestures to Natalie. “Her being sick has something to do with this—the days repeating.”

Pestilence chews on her bottom lip, digesting his words. Finally, she sighs. “As much as I would love to collect...that, it’s not going to be much use.”

“What do you mean?”

“Regardless of whether I cure her or not, the day is just going to repeat itself when the morning comes around. I won’t have my prize, and she’ll be sick again.”

“But—the time loop—”

“It’s not centered around her being sick, Lucifer. Think about it. What is this loop really revolving around? Why are you and I the only ones that are aware of it? Who would want to do this to you?”

Who would want to do this to him? If he’s being honest with himself, a lot of people. At the very least someone with a sick sense of humor. Someone who would be just as powerful, if not more so, than Pestilence. Someone who chose to center this loop around Natalie being sick… No, not just being sick, Natalie being at her sickest, Natalie withering away, Natalie dying, Natalie’s death…

Death…

Holy fuck.

“I should have fucking known,” he snarls, his hands coming up to tear at his hair. Natalie flinches. “That pathetic bag of bones, of course he would fucking do this.”

Death. The reason that the day restarted at 8:24 AM was because it was the time that Death came to collect her soul. Those figures that he’d been seeing as the sun rose weren’t grief-induced hallucinations. Fuck, he’d been so blind.

“Lucifer, what’s going on?” Natalie asks.

“It’s Death,” he says through gritted teeth. “It’s been Death this entire time and I was too fucking stupid to realize it.”

Pestilence nods, almost smugly. “Took you long enough.”

He rubs at his temples impatiently. “I’m going to fucking murder him. I’m going to bash that flimsy skull in until it's dust.”

Pestilence snorts. “Charming. Even if you can find him, I doubt he would let you live long enough to get in a second hit.”

“How...how do we find him?” Natalie asks, her voice shaky. He glances at her face, pale for reasons other than sickness for the first time in a while.

“Well, the fastest way is to kill someone,” Pestilence says flippantly. “He’s usually there within the hour.”

Natalie winces. “Uh…I don’t really want to kill anyone.”

“Then,” Pestilence says, “your best bet is to speed up the process.”

Natalie tilts her head. “Of what?”

Instead of answering, Pestilence looks at Lucifer expectantly. “If you want to confront Death, someone needs to die. I see one obvious candidate.”

He stares at her quizzically, until it hits him with the relentless force of a freight train. She isn’t seriously telling him to…

“Lucifer?” Natalie asks, staring uneasily at him. “What’s she saying?”

“She’s saying that I should kill you,” he whispers, not taking his eyes off of the woman in front of him. His hands start to shake. “After everything I did for her, after everything I was willing to do for her, you can’t seriously expect me to turn around and murder her in cold blood.”

Pestilence shrugs. “It’s the most logical course of action.”

“Like hell it is!” He snaps. “What if by some odd happenstance Death decides to make this the last loop and she stays dead? There’s not a fucking chance, Pestilence.”

“Kill someone else then; I'm sure it won't make a difference.”

“Then maybe I should start with you,” he hisses, taking a step towards her. Pestilence holds her stare, unimpressed.

“...Maybe she has a point,” Natalie says from behind him. He freezes for a moment before feeling floods back into his limbs.

“What the hell, girl? Do you have a death wish?” He demands, turning to her. “Do you not understand the part of her plan where you die?”

“I mean, I do,” she says. “It’s just that you need to talk to Death in order to get out of this, and I don’t want you to kill anyone else.”

She sounds so apologetic. He almost wants to laugh at the absurdity of it because this is her life, her soul that they’re talking about and she’s feeling sorry for him?

He shakes his head. “No dice, kid; I’m not gonna hurt you. I’d rather rot in this loop for the rest of eternity. We’ll find another way.” He turns to Pestilence. “Thanks for nothing.”

She smiles. “When you get out of this loop...come back to me with that offer.”

“Sure won’t,” he lies, and turns away.

It’s too much. He can’t stay like this.

He gasps, feeling the energy leaving his body. “Don’t you dare, Lucifer,” she says, her voice strangely distant. “Please, you need to stop. Please, don’t.”

“I need to,” he begs her. He can count on one hand the number of times that he’s prayed in the last millennia, but each time, it’s been for her. He’s paralyzed and the world is fading away in his hands and he prays. God, he prays until his skin is burning from the holiness and his heart feels like it’s about to burst from his chest and onto the polished tiles of the bathroom floor.

Her name. Over and over. He sends it to his father and remembers the hope he once had, now a black hole unfurling in his stomach.

It’s too late for prayers.

[4:09 PM]

They exit the warehouse, the sunlight blinding in comparison to the unnaturally lit poker rooms. Natalie huffs, looking a little worse for the wear.

“Are you okay, kid?”

“I don’t know,” she replies. “Breathing feels really weird right now.”

“We’ll get you some medicine before we figure this out,” Lucifer says, running an impatient hand through his hair. They’re running out of time.

“You know…” Natalie says, her tone cautious, and he raises a hand to halt her. “No.”

“You didn’t even listen to what I was gonna say!” She says indignantly.

“I didn’t have to,” he says. “I’m not going to do it.”

“But I’m going to die anyway! Wouldn’t it make more sense to just get it over with so maybe you have a chance of getting out of this?” She asks. She stops to cough violently into her arm, almost retching as she doubles over. She looks up with a challenge in her eyes, daring him to say something.

Lucifer takes a deep breath.

“I don’t care if it makes more sense,” He says, voice shaking. “I wouldn’t care if it’s the only fucking way that I get out of this. I’m not going to do it. We’re going to find out another way to summon Death, and then I’m going to make him fix this.”

Natalie stares at him, scrutinizing. She sighs.

“Fine,” she concedes, her expression relaxing. “Let’s go get some medicine then. My head is killing me—no pun intended, haha.”

“Not funny,” he mutters, shoving his hands in his pockets.

[4:31 PM]

Natalie clutches the plastic bag, probably filled with every medication under the sun. “This should be good,” she says, peering in at its contents.

“Good,” he says. “Take it and we’ll be on our way.”

“Can’t we get a hotel room or something?” She asks. “I’m really tired.”

“A hotel...room?” He asks, his thoughts going back to that God-forsaken motel. He sees the muted wallpaper, the smell of dust and cigarettes and the slight taste of death in the air as the sun streamed in through the curtain gaps. He sees the crop of her hair sprawled onto the pillow, lips parted with a breath that would never come.

She inhales one now, the air scraping against her throat like sandpaper. “Please.”

Her hands are shaking a little bit, skin still locked on a sickly pallor that emphasizes the hollows of her cheeks, the irritated red splotches under her eyes and nose.

He exhales. “Alright.”

[4:54 PM]

He picks a different hotel this time, the Cypress Inn, it's white columns and abundance of potted plants a notch above the last one they stayed at.

Natalie collapses onto the queen size bed in their room, letting out a heaving cough. “I want to sleep,” she groans into the duvet, sinking deeper into it.

“You okay, kid?” He asks, sitting down by her. She’s never mentioned being tired around this time before today, but he supposes that it’s not too surprising; she’s been in a constant state of exhaustion ever since she got sick.

“Yeah,” she replies, her voice muffled. She flips onto her back, her hair shining like copper against the white comforter. She rests a hand on her forehead, staring at the ceiling like it’s an intricate puzzle she needs to solve. “What are we going to do?”

“I don't know,” he admits. “Are you sure I can't just find some low-life—”

“I'm sure,” she says firmly, interrupting him. “We’ll find another way.”

He sighs, hauling himself up and moving to the door. “Alright, then. I’m going to take a walk and figure this shit out. You stay here and rest.”

She nods from her position on the bed, and he feels a surge of anxiety engulf him as he opens the door. He hesitates. Something doesn’t feel right about this.

It’s only five, though, he reminds himself. The sun is still shining; they have plenty of time to figure something out.

Lucifer shakes himself to reality, closing the door behind him. He wanders around the edge of the stucco building, breathing in the salt-laden air, the sun filtering through the grove of trees arching around the inn.

What are we going to do?

He exhales heavily, running a hand through his hair. He honestly can’t see another way to summon Death besides...well, killing someone. It wasn’t necessarily something he was averse to, but the way Natalie looked at him when he was threatening Pestilence...she looked terrified. But even beyond that, she looked disappointed.

I wouldn’t be best friends with a monster!

“Get out of my head,” he mutters, the static feeling of fear coming alive in his chest.

He’s so tired. He can feel this month weighing him down more than he’s ever been, heavy stones that he can’t even fathom to shake off.

He knows that he shouldn’t feel this way; his father told him that he could fix this. There still has to be a sliver of hope that can get them out of this. To heal her.

Healing her. Maybe he should have started with that.

Because to make her better, they would need...

He groans. Pestilence. He’s getting really sick of that smug bitch. But it would give them more time and one less thing for him to worry about, albeit at a hefty price.

When Michael ripped the first set out, the phantom pains haunted him for years. Even now, he can feel the ache of where they once rested between his shoulder blades. If the last two sets were taken...he can’t even imagine…

He looks up; the sun has dropped further, only hours away until it would be cradled on the horizon. There’s still a chance that Pestilence would be at the warehouse. He clenches his fist. It’s a blow to his pride to go back so soon, and a mar on his existence to give up… that… but at least he wouldn’t have to sit with this guilt for the remainder of his days.

He doesn’t know if he could live with that.

[5:49 PM]

When he gets back to the hotel, he swings the door open to an empty room, the dull sound of rushing water flowing from the bathroom. He sits down on the bed, crossing his legs.

“Don’t take too long; we’re going back to the warehouse,” he announces to the door. “We have something important to do and I wanna get it over with.”

She doesn’t reply, and he sighs, standing back up.

“Did you hear me?” He asks, raising his voice.

All he can hear is the muffled flow of the showerhead on the other side.

He frowns, and walks over to the bathroom. He knocks on the wooden frame. “Girl? You okay?”

Still no response. A prickle of anxiety starts to brew in his chest.

He can feel his hands start to shake as he knocks again, more insistently this time. “Natalie?”

He reaches to try the doorknob, but it’s locked. “Natalie!”

The fear is back, surging forward and capturing him in its inescapable depths as he pounds on the door again. She isn’t making a sound; all he can hear is the taunting noise of the running water and his fist slamming against wood. He hits it again and the door splinters with the force, slamming open and hitting the wall with a sharp crack. He stumbles forward into the bathroom, searching for her with wild eyes. And he sees her.

She’s propped against the wall of the shower, the water soaking her hair and clothes, eyes closed and face as white as sheet. She looks dead.

For one numbing moment, he stands, frozen.

Sensation flows back into his limbs and suddenly he’s dropping to his knees in front of her, confusion and panic cascading through his veins. She isn’t supposed to be this bad. Why did she get so bad so quickly?

“Natalie, wake up.” He grips her shoulders, nails digging desperately into her skin. Her hazy eyes flicker open, drawing in a choking breath. “What’s wrong? What did you do?”

Her eyes flutter closed again, and he jerks her to him. “Natalie.”

The shine of plastic catches on the edges of his vision, and he turns to it, dread pooling in his stomach.

The medication she bought. The pill bottles. They’re empty.

His heart drops, and he turns back to her with a renewed desperation, understanding exactly what she did.

He thinks back to Oregon, how she flew off that bridge without hesitation, plummeting to the water below. Back to the warehouse, when she offered up her soul like it was a piece of meat to be devoured by the monsters lurking inside of him. And now this, the third time she’s been willing to self-destruct for something as simple as his comfort.

“You can’t do this,” he says, “You can’t do this to me.”

Her mouth opens, drawing in a ragged breath. “I’m doing this for you, dummy,” she says, her words garbled, shoving him weakly away.

“No—”

“Pestilence...is right,” She says, blood draining from her face at an alarming rate. “You need time to talk to Death...best way to do that is to let me...earlier than planned...”

“No, no—”

“Give you time.”

“No.”

His fingers fly to her cold lips, trying to force their way into her throat and choke all those pills out of her. She clamps her teeth together, eyelids heavy but determined, and if not for his pounding heart splintering into his veins and cutting the sound out of his vocal chords he would have screamed until his throat was raw. Her lips are closed like she’s holding her breath, and his own comes out in broken, staggered words.

“No—no—please—”

He clutches her hand, squeezing so hard she winces. Squalls of freezing water pour over them like a hurricane, and she shudders under the showerhead.

“Natalie,” he begs, his hand cupping her cheek. She’s so stubborn it hurts, keeping poison jailed inside her until she drowns in the drugs and the illness and the icy water. “Natalie.” He tries to shove his fingers down her throat again, and she turns her head away. “Don’t,” she whispers, starting to cry. “Please, don’t.”

“I’m supposed to save you,” he says, voice lost. “I was supposed to save you this time around.”

“You still can,” Natalie mumbles. “I know you will. Just need to.... just need to get out of this mess first.”

No, no. This isn’t happening. He can still save her. He can still heal her.

And he tries; he gasps as he feels the energy leaving his body and flowing into her. “Don’t you dare, Lucifer,” she says, voice slurring, and pushes him away. “Please, you need to stop. Please, don’t.”

“I need to,” he pleads back, but he knows it’s not working; the cocktail of drugs and the crushing illness being forced on her lungs are eating up his energy like it’s nothing. Her eyes flutter shut.

Too late, something whispers in the back of his mind.

He draws his limited energy into his hand and presses it against her chest. She convulses, back arching up, before collapsing in on itself and falling onto the white plastic. Her eyes stay closed.

“No, this isn’t fair, Natalie—Natalie!”

Again, he sends a burst of light like a shockwave into her heart. Her muscles tense but still as he removes his hand. She’s not breathing. Her head arcs back, baring her throat to the ceiling.

He places his ear on her sternum.

Through the thrum of water falling on the tiles, he can’t hear a beat.

“Y-You’re kidding me,” he says to her, shaking her. “Natalie. Wake up.”

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. He never wanted it to end like this.

“Wake up.”

He pulls her to him, cradling her head. Her eyes are sealed shut, mouth slightly parted, amber fluid leaking out of the corner of her lips. She must’ve thrown up before he found her.

“Wake up,” he pleads, tucking a strand of soaked hair behind her ear. “I was supposed to save you, kid. Wake up, please.”

But of course, she doesn’t.

(He feels a part of himself break all over again.)

Once upon a time, he could destroy empires and feel nothing as they burned away to ash.

He misses that, sometimes.

Later, he carries her to the hotel bed, the water clinging to their clothes seeping into the mattress. She’s already so cold, a stark contrast to how she was burning up just hours ago. How she was for the past thirty three days. He holds her, bunching his hands in her waterlogged sweatshirt. Through the window, the sun drops beneath the horizon, light melting out of the cloudless sky. It almost seems peaceful, save for the way that he feels like grief is eating away at his lungs.

He grips her tighter.

A familiar voice breaks the silence.

“I can’t believe this. Even watching you suffer gets boring after a while.”

Lucifer keeps staring out the window as he sets Natalie down on the pillows, as gently as he can manage.

“How the fuck did you manage to pull this off?” He whispers hoarsely, turning around to face the rider of the pale horse.

“I called in a favor from an old friend,” Death says casually, leaning against a wall. “Time is always giving me souls, and in return I give it meaning. I can bend it as I wish. We have a healthy, symbiotic existence together.”

He smiles, teeth clacking together.

“Unlike you and poor Natalie over there.”

Lucifer stiffens.

“She gave up so much for you, and what do you give her as thanks?” Death continues, unfolding his arms. “Nothing, except…Well, you see how your friendship played out in her favor.” He gestures towards her lifeless body.

Blood rushes into his head, prickling like a thousand needles stabbing into his skin.

“Just kill me,” he says, and if he can hear the slightly crazed tone in his voice, Death certainly can as well. “Just kill me, and bring her back, and leave her out of it.”

Death seems to consider it, but shrugs. “Tempting, but I’m not done with you yet.”

“What do you fucking mean?” Lucifer hisses, reaching to grab him by his stupid cloak. “What else can you fucking do to me?”

“Get your hands off me, asshole!” Death says, shoving him away. “Time loops are getting awfully dull and you’re getting even more boring. I think I might just start fresh, wipe your memory and let the cards fall as they may.”

He turns to leave, his cloak catching the air around his skeletal legs.

“Wait,” Lucifer demands.

Death stops, still facing the door.

“I told you that you can kill me. I’m giving you my head on a silver platter and you’re just going to leave? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Death turns back to him, a gaping, hollow grin splitting his face in two. “Why would you think I would leave for good, Lucifer? I have so many other games I’d like to play with you.” He pauses. “I think Russian roulette sounds fun.”

Lucifer automatically takes a step back, clenching his fists until his palms start to bleed.

“Just set it back,” he whispers. “You can have my life. Just make it go away.”

If possible, Death’s smile gets wider.

“Now you’re speaking my language. I’ll see you tomorrow, Lucifer.” He turns to leave. “Not that you’ll know it.”

“Wait—”

He doesn’t get to finish, because as Death walks away something shifts and suddenly he and the hotel room and Natalie’s body are all gone, the universe turning on it’s side like a spinning coin, time and memories slipping through his fingers like reversing gears, muffled words wisping through his head like gusts of wind.

Wake up. Please.

If I were you, I would just kill myself and end it already.

I can’t leave her.

I love you.

Natalie.

[8:24 AM]

There’s a strange ache in his chest when he wakes up, and he doesn’t know why.

#satan and me #my writing #'i'm going to post this tomorrow' i say #i'm a fucking liar i'm sorry #suicide tw #ostinato

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valamerys · 7 years

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{fic} Sing Down The Skies ch 2/?

Part 2 of the ‘Elain comes to the Spring Court post-acomaf’ + fake dating, sort of + extreme angst elucien fic! rated T for being really sad. like, I’M dying, and I’m the one willfully inflicting this on us all.

part 1 • ao3

“I’m going to pretend to fall in love with you.”

All the air goes out of the room. Lucien is so uncomprehending he’s sure he must have misheard her. “What?”

III.

The designated meeting spot is a clearing near the border, a vague approximation of neutral territory. Tamlin stocks it so full of guards, some Hybern’s men, some their own (is there a difference anymore?) that the whole field glints with weapons, like they’re launching into battle. Rhys brings the shadowsinger and the blonde woman, three figures in black against an army of gold. Lucien gets the distinct impression it’s still not a fight the spring court would win.

The emissary assigned to the task approaches the High Lord of Night and exchanges a few words of formality, Tamlin standing stoic behind a line of soldiers—the word coward flashes hot through Lucien’s mind, and he tries half-heartedly to crush the thought. Next to him, Feyre’s eyes are locked on Rhysand, her expression unreadable. Tamlin shifts to put an arm around her and for a moment, it looks like she might break, tear the arm off and run to Rhys and end the whole charade right there, but she doesn’t. She recovers and gives him a weak smile.

Lucien can’t make out the words of the emissary, but Rhys nods, makes a gesture to the blonde, who winnows away. Lucien feels his heart jump into his throat against his will. There’s a moment where nothing happens—the trees rustle far above their heads, Rhysand looks cold and imperious, there is the faintest sound of shifting armor from the ranks around them as they wait.

And then the woman returns, holding his mate by the arm.

Lucien stops breathing, a rush of Elain consuming his senses even from this distance. It is only with three hundred odd years of practice that he’s able to school himself into stillness, into apparent indifference, as relief and panic and dissatisfaction and fear war in his throat.

She’s plainly dressed, a little dirty—like she actually was a prisoner; the thought makes a growl build in his throat—but looks unharmed. It’s not good enough; Lucien feels the overwhelming instinct to winnow to her, to shield her from Night and Spring both, to ask her very intently if she’s alright, to hold her until he’s convinced. To take her somewhere far away from all of this and not ever bring her back.

The woman releases her, and Elain takes an unsure step forward. Lucien’s fingernails dig into the flesh of his palms. The spring court Emissary says something to her, extends a hand, and she takes it quickly, follows him away from her “captors” without looking back.

Someone lets out a tiny, strangled sound, and for a moment Lucien thinks it’s him—but Feyre is pushing through the soldiers, ignoring Tamlin’s murmured command to stay here, and almost stumbles in her haste to embrace her sister. They cry and laugh all at once, Elain’s thin arms going around Feyre. Tamlin looks at Lucien, expecting some reaction, no doubt, but Lucien doesn’t move, keeps his face a mask of perfect blankness. He dimly notes that Rhys and his associates have vanished behind them, the transaction complete.

When the sisters break apart, teary, Feyre does what Lucien wants to do and wipes a smudge of dirt from Elain’s cheek, assessing her breathlessly. “Are you alright?”

He can sense Elain’s emotions like holding a bird in his palm—small, fluttering, alive: anxiety, bone-deep fear, determination.

“I’m fine,” Elain says, giving her a brave smile.

It’s the first time he’s heard his mate’s voice. His composure cracks, the breath he draws shuddering as Feyre takes Elain’s hand and draws her towards Tamlin. Towards him.

“Elain, this is Tamlin,” Feyre has remembered herself, her free hand caressing Tamlin’s arm. “My fiance.”

Elain bobs into a curtsy. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, High Lord. Thank you for everything you’ve done. For all of us,” she says sweetly, if a little shakily. She’s playing a role too, Lucien realizes, one of grateful prisoner freed, to corroborate Feyre’s thin story of her own “kidnapping,” to maintain the polish on the version of the Night Court they’re feeding Tamlin. The more he looks, the more holes he sees in her costume. She’s dirty, but there’s no grime under her nails; her hair is tangled but not greasy. It doesn’t make him feel better.

Tamlin nods, clasps her hand in some show of paternal comfort. “Welcome to the Spring Court, Elain.” He’s a little awkward, a little gruff about it, but it’s clear he’s pleased.

“And… Feyre nods at him, says gently, “You’ve met Lucien.”

Elain seems to hesitate before meeting his gaze, and Lucien wonders if she’s been avoiding looking at him—but then she does. She’s exactly as he remembers her, her features burned into his memory.

“Hello, Lord Lucien.”

His heart twists. “Hello, Elain.”

It feels strange and perfunctory and totally inadequate. He needs to tell her everything. There is nothing else to say. He’s suddenly once again claustrophobic with the need to spirit her away, to hide them both from the hundred unwelcome eyes that watch their meeting.

Thank the cauldron for Feyre, who takes Elain’s arms and breaks the moment, begins fussing over her and assuring her they’ll get her cleaned up. She steers Elain towards the manor, prompting their entourage to follow.

Lucien hangs back, trying to stop his mind from reeling. He shrugs off Tamlin’s supportive clap on the shoulder as he passes.

IV.

There’s been a lovely dinner prepared for the four of them, and Lucien does not think he could possibly bear it. He tells Tamlin he’s going to skip supper and retire early, feels Tamlin’s irritation gather like storm clouds.

“Elain will be there.” It’s not an order, but it sounds like one.

“I’m aware,” Lucien says. “But I’m not feeling well.” By which he means I would rather have the attor gnaw my arm off than my first real conversation with my mate be a performance for you to scrutinize. He supposes he could circumvent that—talk to Feyre, steal Elain for the half hour before the dinner, show her the gardens, perhaps. But something about that feels wrong. Doubtless she needs her sister’s company more than she needs his.

Tamlin and Lucien hold each other’s gaze for a moment, the push and pull of power tangible between them as Tamlin decides whether or not he’ll insist upon this.

“Very well,” he grunts, and Lucien tries not to exhale in relief too obviously. “I’m sure she’ll be disappointed.”

Alis is helping Feyre, of course, and now, by extension, Elain too. Elain asked to see you, she whispers to him later that night.

After dinner, Tamlin, mood dramatically improved (by Feyre’s wheedling, no doubt), had told him where Elain’s room was. It might have been innocent, a simple encouragement to get out of the way an inevitable conversation—but Tamlin had said it with a tone that suggested things other than conversation. As if Lucien didn’t feel sick enough about this entire situation already.

The manor feels like enemy territory now, something to sneak around in. There are too many guards, too many unfamiliar faces he passes on his way upstairs, too many eyes following him—but mercifully, the hallway in question is empty.

He knocks on the door, feeling like his hand moves of its own accord. He can hear her on the other side, can feel her nervousness spike at his knock, can anticipate the exact moment she cracks the door open. Is it going to be like this every time they make eye contact for the rest of eternity? A lightning bolt to Lucien’s chest?

She’s bathed, and now wears a soft white dressing gown; her dark gold hair gleams in the dim light. He doesn’t say anything, and neither does she. Instead she just retreats to sit on the bed, leaving the door open for him. Lucien lingers there after he closes it, unsure where it’s appropriate for him to go.

Elain tugs a blanket half on to her lap, her hands twisting it. She won’t quite look at him again—if he’s not mistaken, her eyes are a touch red, face just a little swollen. Her gaze darts here and there, and finally to a chair near the fireplace that she gestures to. “You can sit, if you like.”

He does, with slow, measured movements. He still doesn’t speak—there’s a thousand things he needs to ask her, but he wants her to go first. There is so little he can do for her, nothing that can possibly balance out the horrors she’s been thrust into, but he can give her this, he can surrender the power, the control, when they’re together.

“You weren’t at dinner,” she says finally. It’s not an accusation, just an observation. An acknowledgement that he was clearly meant to be and chose otherwise.

“Should I apologize?”

She plays with the edge of the blanket. “I was relieved, actually.”

It’s not an insult—just a confirmation that she thinks as he does. That this, this meeting, should belong to them, and them only. The bond throbs between them like a fresh wound; Lucien feels it the way you can feel a heartbeat in your own damaged flesh.

“How are you?” He asks. A clumsy question if there ever was one, ridiculously mundane given their circumstances. But they have to start somewhere.

She hesitates. Her fingers pick and pluck at the blanket. Is that a nervous habit? Every tiny motion, every detail, is magnified between them, and he wants to know everything about all of it. He wants to understand her, devour her in ways he hardly even understands.

She lets out a long breath, eyes half-lidded. There is something in her that is still a thousand miles away, or perhaps locked within her, behind a thousand layers of loss. “I’m… sad. That sounds silly, I know, but—“

“It doesn’t,” he says, softly, fiercely.

It falls quiet between them. The sounds of the spring court soften it, the crickets and frogs in the distance a reminder of life outside of this building that may as well be their prison.

“And how are you?” Elain says finally. His instinct is something flippant, something deflective. But he owes her more than that.

“I’m scared,” he says. It’s true in a dozen different ways, let her take her pick. He presses on haltingly, a prompt. “Feyre told me that you asked to come here.”

Something draws in around her eyes. “They wanted to send Nesta. they thought…” There’s a stray thread in the blanket, and she pulls at it, unravels it. “They thought I wasn’t strong enough. But I knew it should be me. I’m worth more, since I’m your mate; Rhys could drive a harder bargain with Tamlin.” She says it emotionlessly, like it’s not completely horrifying that Lucien has inadvertently turned her into a bargaining chip.

“And Nesta should stay in the Night Court,” she goes on. “They’ll teach her to fight. Cassian is there. She’ll be happy there, eventually, I think.”

And what about you? Lucien wants to ask.

“Lucien, I—“ Elain pauses. “There’s something I need you to know, about my being here. About my helping Feyre.”

Whatever Lucien expects her to tell him, it’s not what she does. Her hand goes to the necklace she’s wearing, which is half-hidden below the neckline of her nightgown.

“I’m going to pretend to fall in love with you.”

All the air goes out of the room. Lucien is so uncomprehending he’s sure he must have misheard her. “What?”

“I’m going to pretend to fall in love with you.” She’s looking at the floor, not at him; clearly it’s hard for her to say. But her voice is steady, older than her years. “We needs Tamlin thinking he’s winning, that he’s taken care of everything and it’s all falling into place. We need him relaxed and smug and stupid.”

Her eyes fasten on his, finally, and they both know he knows he understands her. The manor has become a dollhouse, and Feyre is arranging them all just so, to entertain a dangerous blonde child.

Elain’s voice is very quiet as she says “He got me for you.”

As though Elain is some kind of thing, like it’s Lucien who is a petulant child and Elain is a shiny toy that was purchased to placate him. It’s a repulsive thought, and the most painful part is that Lucien can’t deny it: of course that’s how Tamlin sees this. The parts of him that do it on instinct now grapple for some excuse, some lifeline to cling to, but the excuses for his behavior—for his mentality—slip further from Lucien’s grasp day by day.

“Or he thinks he did, anyway,” Elain goes on. If she “But Feyre and I need to let him keep thinking it. So I’m going to pretend to be happy and I’m going to pretend to fall in love with you.”

Lucien doesn’t have the faintest idea how to respond to that. It… makes sense, on a certain level; maybe he should have anticipated it, after seeing her play into Feyre’s facade this afternoon.

“More than anything, I hate to… ask you to play along. I know, Feyre told me, how much Tamlin means to you, how loyal you are to him..." She trails off, at a loss. "It's abominable of me to ask you to deceive him, but I—"

"But there's no other way," Lucien fills in softly.

“I’m sorry,” she says, so quiet that they’re less actual words than the suggestion of them, and Lucien is shaking his head—

“Don’t you dare be sorry,” he says. It comes out broken, a mess of all the things he needs to say to her. “I’m the one who should be sorry. I am sorry. About everything. About the bond, about how I’ve put you in danger because of it, about whatever part of me could have stopped all of this from happening and didn’t. About everything that’s happened to you and everything you feel like you have to do now because of it.”

Elain looks caught off guard by the sudden confession, her hand frozen gripping the charm of her necklace. The expression on her face is pain, but it’s not her own, it’s pain for him and that’s so much worse.

“I don’t blame you for anything, Lucien,” it’s pure compassion, raw and strained. “You know that, don’t you?”

He does. And it’s all but killing him. Anything, anything would be better than this. If she loathed and despised him it would still be better than this… resignation to her own misery, this gentle despair. Elain is as kind in suffering as she must be in joy: she does not blame anyone, her pain has not grown sharp edges and lashed out the way his would, the way most people’s would. It is just the opposite. In the gaping absence of her own happiness, she is still concerned with others’. With his, even though she does not know him, has every reason to resent him.

The bond lets him see Elain’s anguish and her goodness with such searing clarity it’s unbearable.

“Of course I’ll help you, Elain. Of course,” is all he says by way of answer.

Elain blinks rapidly, and Lucien realizes with a sickening lurch she’s teary-eyed again, and trying to hide it from him. There’s a matching rush of stifled embarrassment from the bond—does she even know he can feel her? Her mental shields don’t seem to be up; surely Rhysand taught her how to use them.

“It’s late,” he says, standing. There are still so many things he would ask her; he’s more confused than when he came, rather than less, but he’ll spare her what embarrassment he can. “I should go.”

Elain just nods, not looking at him again.

The bond crawls up his spine in dissatisfaction as he makes to leave rather than comfort her, rather than obliterate whatever made his mate upset. He ignores the instincts as best he can, but he has to pause at the door, ask her the one thing he cannot go another night without knowing.

“Elain, what…” He looks back at her. “What is it that you feel, of the bond?”

She sniffs slightly, her brow creasing. “Nothing… strong. Just something like a thread, I suppose. I can feel that it’s tied to you.” He remembers the way she stared at him, wet hair stuck to her forehead. “But nothing else.”

Lucien grips the door handle almost hard enough to break it, flush with simultaneous relief and terror. She doesn’t feel him with the raw, painful intensity that he does her, thank the cauldron, the bond has not snapped into place for her yet, but oh gods, it will, it will if they keep being around each other, she should never have come here, he shouldn’t be here right now—

“Goodnight, Elain,” he manages, before leaving her to her tears.

#acotar #acomaf #elucien #elain #lucien #WHEW #THIS IS #A THING THAT I MADE #THAT HURTS ME #mine

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vickeyeppunitarj42insurance-blog · 5 years

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subaru wrx insurance for 18 year old

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :getinsurancequotes.top

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subaru wrx insurance for 18 year old

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how much is car insurance for a jeep wrangler unlimited

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how much is car insurance for a jeep wrangler unlimited

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