#(Incredibly ... Yeah TM about Survive)

[koushirouizumi]

#koushirouizumi no rb posts #koushirouizumi posts #advs standom issues #digistandom issues #digistandom relevant #survive relevant #(S a k u r a i gETS IT) #(HI can Everyone In 02 Standom TM PLEASE WATCH THIS) #(Because I Am So Sick Of The Same Circular Arguments Week After Week Day After DAY) #(S a k u r A I Speaks The Truth But No One Will Acknowledge It) #(I'm so glad he's doing these things because My Fav Series fan bases desperately need to hear ALL of This) #(LIKE maybe I wouldnt be so annoyed lately if it weren't for people acting) #(Incredibly ... Yeah TM about Survive)

[oculusxcaro]

i love how khare is essentially a tragedy story playing out. having your normal life taken from you by chance i think is such a very real fear and how it could’ve happened to anyone make it more realistic i think. khare DOESNT have mc syndrome where everything up until this point was setting her up for this to happen. it just did . anyone could be that poor mennonite girl and who knows if there’s another one like khare out there!! the realism in how despite everything awful happening to her she STILL has to work a 9-5 and survive is so. weirdly american. i feel like it mirrors any story of an immigrant to america. despite the horrors (tm) happening - she still has to take care of herself because of this capitalistic hellscape we HAVE to keep persisting. khare can’t stop in the middle of her story and find a cure. khare HAS to have a job, HAS to blend in, HAS to try and just make it work. idk if i explained this very well but erm yeah that’s why i like khare :)

Please tell me your favorite things about my portrayal/muse?

TEETH YOU CAN'T BE DOING THIS TO ME THIS IS TOO KIND!!! Thank you so much though, for always being such an incredible person and for taking the time to send such an analysis in BECAUSE YOU GET IT. This is EXACTLY what I've been trying to convey all along and you understand so succinctly??? Her circumstances have been very extreme, getting kidnapped while vacationing in America and generally having her very normal life being taken away from her unwillingly and just... having to find her place again, regain some normalcy and lord if trying to make enough money to cover the rent just so you can keep a roof over your head is not something we're all struggling with!!! No matter what happens, finding your bearings and looking after yourself first and foremost is very important so I'm glad that struck a chord with you and that you found it so realistic (even though the mutation itself is completely sci-fi/junji ito horror asdfghjkl...) Thank you again for understanding and putting everything into words so clearly. I know I haven't exactly written much about her struggles when it comes to day to day living but you hit the nail right on the head with how much of a struggle it actually is, having to lay low and blend in, work hard enough to make a little cash and do it all over again the next time. It's not glamorous or fun, there's no time to look for a cure even if she knew where to start. She's no main character, just a background NPC thrown into a situation anybody else could have ended up. This capitalistic hellspace is all she's got rn and she's just... trying to make things work as long as she can, even if she's got to cobble things together with bits of old chewing gum and dollar store glue. Very high praise coming from an exceptional writer such as yourself! I cannot WAIT to interact with Dewey because she herself has even more of a tragic backstory through absolutely no fault of her own and these two could end up as very good friends because of it. They're in it together and shit sucks.

#arkhmlcst #memes ;; what's your favourite thing about my muse? #Finally found the words to answer and TEETH #-grabs ur precious face and shakes u- #How can you be so thoughtful and kind all the time??? #This was a very thoughtful and in-depth ask you sent and it cheered me right up to no end because you covered so many things #Like they've been subtle so far so I wasn't sure if anybody really picked up on them #But you did #And you laid it all out flat #You explained it very well and now I'm gonna sob for a million years because you and everybody else have been so wonderful 🥺

[runelocked]

A PLAYLIST FOR JAMES @bolides & WILLIAM.

holy branches - radical face

When you were young, you’d bite your tongue, / Calm, always did what you were told, / Never ran your mouth, lived life on tiptoes / Only felt peace if by yourself / When mistakes don’t count […] Now I live alone, / Work in the belly of machines, wring my soot-black hands / And I don’t sleep much / Days don’t feel much different from the nights

before the incident!!! when their relationship was good and william honestly thought of him as a pseudo-son!!!! he’s always been shrewd and james reminded him a LOT of his own childhood (except much worse), and this song gives the vibes of an older man trying to pass on wisdom about life to his son or smthn. it’s bittersweet in this context :’)

you’re a mirror i cannot avoid - bad books

But you’re a mirror I cannot void / Strung out and jittery and paranoid, / A leaky battery that can’t keep charged / Get in the car and say what you mean, / Explain yourself to me and I’ll try not to judge you more than you would, / Let me help, I promise not to tell

wails over this song and these two in particular. the tragic events at the diner messed them BOTH up good and i imagine this is from james’s perspective, grieving and trying his very best to cling to a man that is spiralling away from him. the beginning of the end for their dynamic :’) there’s nothing more painful than watching someone else become a shadow of their former self while you’re going through the same thing after all!!!

you’re somebody else - flora cash

Well you look like yourself / But you’re somebody else / Only it ain’t on the surface, / Well you talk like yourself, / No, I hear something else though / Now you’re making me nervous

one of my fav sad songs hands down and fits james and william after the incident TM. from james’ perspective and the part of him that’s devastated (presumably) that someone he’d admired and cared about did this to him… and the grief that comes with meeting the dark side of your heroes :’)

dead things - emilíana torrini

Sad things have to happen sometimes, / Let the snow melt in my mouth / Until my head hurts, until I’m out, / Makes me laugh a bit, makes me cry / Same way you confuse me all the time

this is a jump in time but in my head this song like. perfectly encapsulates how william feels about james as he’s spiralling further and further towards the springlock incident. james is a presence that constantly weighs on him and william is incredibly unstable at the end: he’s just as likely to laugh at james as he is to beg for his forgiveness (though mostly he’ll try to ignore him) — in fact! james is one of the main reasons he returns to try and destroy the animatronics, in the hopes he will pass on too ^_^ and we all know how that worked out ^_^

for the departed - shayfer james

I’ll write a symphony for the departed, / And I have no time for second chances / So I survive on bourbon, blood, and backward glances / And so, the scene begins, / Your cries become the wind / A desperate plea best left unheard / Then my contrived goodbye / A poet’s pantomime, / A drunken jester’s final words

wow look! it’s william having a complete paranoid breakdown over james the night before he returns to destroy the animatronics in 1994!!!! yeah this song captures his feelings towards james (and the others but honestly? it’s always been the boy that unsettles him the most) — i can picture a scenario where william thinks he sees james out of the corner of his eye in the middle of his own house and so, furious and frightened and full of bitter feelings, decides once and for all to put the kid out of his misery by destroying the things holding him here. sets out with an ax to destroy the machinery and end everything […] and is promptly surprised, scared, and springlocked forever !

( i had more for pre-incident dynamics but i didn’t want to bombard you with songs so have these !!!!!!! )

#(m) william’s records #(oxo) mirror image: william & james.

[crystalelemental]

“emrylurkeroftheloch: Tbh I don't mind the crafting aspect, if only because it might make some TMs easier to get? Like, I'd rather this and they encourage world exploration than the nonsense of "This very important TM is in this one specific location that is incredibly easy to miss". It could also open up ways of creating variable difficulty, if the game is to easy at a base level? Artificially adding difficulty by doing stuff like "No creating TMs" or such could be spicy!”

Okay, that last bit?  That’s actually my hope for the crafting.  I made a whole writeup about move accessibility and difficulty in the series, and one of my major problems is how a lot of necessary tools for shenanigans are post-game locked.  This can solve that by making shit like Toxic and Trick Room available early on to play around with.  Comparatively, Gen 8′s TRs, while tedious to farm Watts, meant you could waltz into Gem 1 with Fire Blast.  Having moves with that insane base power absolutely trivializes the game from then on, because nothing survives.  A crafting mechanic could, in theory, mean that early-game accessible TMs from materials are weaker options, while the powerful moves are locked to late-game materials.  I think that’s really the progression they need.  Do I think that will happen?  No, if I’m being honest.  Pokemon doesn’t do strategy, they just want you to hit each other with rocks.  But it could be an interesting structure, depending on its implementation.

“Also if they force us to use this legendary bike I am going to do my best to drown the damn thing-- (More seriously tho, I'm just gonna run everywhere. I know some kids will be super hyped about it, bc like. It's exactly the kind of thing I'd be hyped about as a kid)”

Yeah, we’re not huge fans of the legends over here either.  My wife and I were talking on the car ride home, about how recent reveals have been really strong compared to initial reception, which was largely “The professors don’t look good and I don’t care about the legends at all, but at least we have Sprigatito, who will definitely stand up.”

#emrylurkeroftheloch

[tiredassmage]

astor and gaius you say!?!? tell me moar 👀

:0 omg hi! also generally hi i swear i'm not dead i've been surviving on the queue because Life.

But yes! My Boys(tm)!

They're... a bit of a hot mess. Okay, so it's mainly Astor that's a hot mess about whatever they have going on and Gaius doing his best to hold him together and all of this kind of lives rent free in my head and also I've gone back and forth over so much of it it's not even funny bUT!

Basically, this all started bc... okay, well Astor being my main was my first playthrough, so... I didn't always catch everything the clearest. So, fun fact, I... entirely missed that the mysteriously super incredibly good looking gunblade weilding Shadowhunter was Gaius van fucking Baelsar until the cutscene where you... call him exactly that. Yeah, I was... really distracted by the whole shooting entrance and the lens flare and he was really pretty and I thought Shadowhunter was like the coolest codename.

And then I didn't talk about it or do anything with it for the longest time bc I was like... he was the villain. People are going to judge me, right????

Eventually, through encouragement from my best friend @fatewalker-phoenix the fact that Gaius was pretty won and I decided I was going to make this Astor's problem.

As for the boys themselves, nothing really came of it until Astor had things a bit more taken care of on the First. They sort of met up here and there without telling anyone and maybe kept in touch long-distance via linkpearl, but they never... really labeled what was going on. To be honest, I'm not sure they have even now. "Boyfriends" feels almost a bit too informal or light for... the amount of trust that has gone into their relationship.

They've spent a lot of time discussing perceptions and titles and the weights of their pasts. Very rarely, if ever, do they address each other in private as "Warrior of Light" and "the Black Wolf." What started as physical attraction has grown into a trust that has allowed them to share things they feel like they can't really with anyone else.

For Astor, that's been the weight of being a hero. The struggles of raising Kiana - his... adopted charge turned daughter grown into successor as Eorzea's champion, despite his best attempts otherwise - in the shadow of a figure like the Warrior of Light. It's been his doubts. About how he's... not really sure what or who he is anymore underneath all the accolades.

And it's been a lot of Gaius being an unexpected sturdy rock for him to lean against, to soundboard some of these doubts off of and draw support from the Garlean's more expansive life experience and... in ways, similar struggles and experiences.

So, in short, it's... messy. It's really only Astor's second relationship?? In his whole life??? And he's scared of making the same mistake as his first of letting a good thing go. But he's also scared of relying too heavily on Gaius's support.

It's attraction and relation and trust and "I love you" is said easily enough, but a lot of times, I'm not sure how figured out they have anything else. But it's what they have and, whatever it is, it's real. That's grounding.

At the end of the day, most of their discussions around the matter come down to something like that: the details and specifics don't matter. They're here for each other. And that's enough to keep them going.

Which is probably why I struggle with them so much sometimes because they very easily get carried away with their thoughts, lol, but their answers aren't always the clearest. It makes it an interesting relationship to try to explore though because most of the others I have characters in are very clear - even Astor's 'other' version of events where he's with my friend's WoL, Eden, and they tackle the universe together.

So, it's... maybe a bit messy or murky, but I've battled over that as much as that's exactly what keeps me coming back to them. If nothing else, it's been a great way for me to exercise and explore the rougher patches of Astor and his experiences because Gaius is a great listener with the benefit of both having not been through most of it with him and having some similar struggles that have made him a really good confidant.

#ffxiv ocs #answered #dot talk #ch: astor caulfield #sh: lovers of the light

[telafel]

okay I'm back home and my classes just started today so perfect time to procrastinate out the gate with rambling about ACOTAR

Spoilers ahead.

so I went into this book kind of doubtful that I'd like it, but with an open mind of like "hey, I like romance, so maybe this will be some sort of indulgent thing that i like. nothing wrong with that!" sort of vibe.

and I genuinely enjoyed how it started off. You have a protagonist that is working her ass off to defend and provide for her family in a tough time and puts herself in danger just so they can eat and have some money for basic comforts. The family dynamic is strained and messy, and all of them are very understandable, if frustrating. I was like 'yeah! this is interesting!'

Then it kind of goes downhill as soon as the faeries show up. It was cool when it was like big ass bear thing busts in the door and demands and life for a life, but then it immediately tapers off when it's like "oh there's a loophole, come live with me in the faerie lands forever" which could have been an interesting moment if it didn't kind of negate the whole "you killed my friend and I'm enraged over it" entrance. The reveal later about WHY he extends this offer doesn't make this scene any better because like. Why does he make this whole front of scaring her in the first place.

I thought it would be cool if like, the faerie lands were somehow very different and dangerous in certain ways and just inherently weird and off, but no. It's just a rich mansion and the MC gets to live in luxury and her only worry is how her family is surviving without her, which is very quickly brushed away because her Love Interest is just ungodly rich and takes care of them too. There are a few monsters and dangers that show up but they don't have much staying power.

From this point on it's kind of boring tepid "romance" stuff. I never get a strong sense of Feyre as a character. She is in survival mode at first and then isn't but most of her character boils down to like... "I think Tamlin's hot and I like to paint" which isn't very interesting. Tamlin also doesn't come across strongly either. He's just kind of a stoic, aloof guy that protects his realm and protects Feyre from being stupid. Oh and he's essentially stupid rich.

Which reminds me a lot of this section of the book is Feyre being told not to do something, without anything being explained to her- and then she does it anyway and her getting scolded for it.

The romance is bland, I never feel like they're actually interested in each other beyond basic physical attraction, and there is zero worldbuilding besides some basic holiday celebrations and throwing fantasy names of monsters in But They're Faeries Now(tm). All the background is just vague and lacking and the story dump later makes this more annoying.

Oh and also the magic system is incredibly vague and annoying to me. I don't mind a soft magic system but I want some consistency and sense to it. Having Tamlin be like "I can't heal big wounds" but he can shapeshift and still heal stuff regardless... and then have Rhys show up and be able to literally crush minds even when his power is limited like Tamlin's is like. Huh? (Also like. Why does Rhys go through Feyre's mind and not pull out a name? I guess you could argue it's because he wants to depose the evil woman faerie I guess but still. Also how does he get fooled/can't sense a simple glamour, but can easily dispel it????)

So when shit starts hitting the fan there's the expected "I'm sending you away tomorrow, let's fuck tonight" scene with a not very sexy sex scene.. and Feyre goes back to her family who are now also wildly rich and never have to struggle and of course it's not good enough for Feyre because they're normal and mundane humans and not the humans-with-pointy-ears faeries that can just forever live in excess for no reason.

And of course Feyre goes back to the faeries to try to save the day and get berated and info-dumped on about the stupid as fuck Curse. "Oh Tamlin was cursed to lose his power unless he fell in love with a human that killed a faerie and had hate in her heart (because Amarantha's sister fell in love with a human and the human betrayed her so Amarantha wants to mimic this exact same scenario with this curse. No we couldn't talk about her before this moment either, so here is her whole backstory too) and also he's forced to wear a mask covering half his face to make it even harder to fall in love with him because obviously all attraction is just physical and skin-deep, so he was intentionally sending scouts out to try to force the scenario to break his curse, so this whole thing was set up for you to be here and be made to fall in love with him and we were all cursed to not be able to talk about the curse but you, you stupid human, should've picked up on it despite us not really giving you any hints at all and should've told him you loved him, why didn't you, stupid selfish human."

Oh yeah and at no point does she ever question or consider the fact that her being there in the faerie lands was entirely manufactured and her falling in love was manipulated just so Tamlin could break the curse and get his power back. No thoughts, head empty. That's HER high lord and him telling her he loves her is unquestionably true!

We also get info dumped about the antagonist which of course is an evil, spiteful woman that wants Tamlin for herself. And all the other courts have male leaders, so it's extra evil that this silly woman is manipulating them because the womanfolk should be tending to the house and caring for children (not really, but one of the only other female faeries we encounter is a maid at Tamlin's court who is caring for her nephews and the fact that pretty much any other figure in power is a man kind of paints this type of picture to me.)

So Feyre gets captured, of course, and doesn't listen to any of the advice she's given and enters a bargain with the Evil Queen, and this starts the more genuinely interesting sections of the book. I like all these trials she has to go through and how to get through them she has to make some other deals with morally questionable people that are just using her. She has to struggle!!! It's interesting!!!

Anyways, I do find it funny that she's just so motivated to save Tamlin and meanwhile Tamlin is kind of just a stone that does nothing this whole time. Like go girl, give us nothing! She's risking her life for you and you can't even try to sneak away to see her (except of course when he's horny and wants to bang her in a closet right before her final trial which is basically the 3rd month she's busting her ass to try to save him. We love mid men.)

What weird is that I feel like she has more interesting moments and more chemistry with Rhys in this section of the book than she does with Tamlin the rest of it. It's not a very healthy relationship, but it's certainly more interesting. Rhys actually risks his skin to help Feyre, even if it is a bargain that would benefit him.

I did find it funny that at the start of these trials Feyre is given a riddle to solve and if she solves it she and Tamlin will instantly be freed. It's an incredibly obvious riddle if you have any braincells but Feyre unfortunately does not, so she doesn't figure it out until the very last second.

But of course Feyre wins her trials and solves the riddle and the evil powerful woman is nothing compared to the men's power so gets murdered by the strong man folk, but oh no Feyre dies! But don't worry the incredibly vague magic system, and the high lord come to her aid and resurrect her as a high fae herself woohooo.

I was reading this last night in a hotel room with my boyfriend and I flopped my kindle down and went "this is so fucking stupid," and my boyfriend laughed.

The aftermath was kind of interesting. I mean she's getting used to a new body with heightened senses and it seems like it's overstimulating for her and she seems almost distant about the whole thing. But don't worry it doesn't last long. she's with her lover and everything is fine, it's okay now. Also Tamlin has his mask free and is just totally handsome wow who would have guessed.

The start and towards the end of the book are probably the best parts because Feyre actually has to have some struggle, the middle parts she is literally just living in luxury and like, I suppose it's supposed to be her coming out of her shell but it all feels very surface level and like boxes being ticked for Romance Development.

Once Feyre is able to paint that's like an entire cornerstone of her personality and of course she just gets handed a full private studio space to work in. A lot of her internal narration turns into how she wants to paint x and she'll never be able to paint y and like... as someone who is an artist I can kind of understand it. I'll go places and be so amazed by the scenery it will inspire me to want to render it, but in this book is feels so weird and all consuming for the pages she's able to paint.

And Feyre in general is difficult to connect with as I've said, she's shown at the start to have some street smarts, she learns to hunt, she knows how to bargain at the markets, she picks up on gossip and knows people around town. She does not keep these properties because it's like all her sense and braincells leave her. She doesn't think of the consequences of her actions until way after the fact. She straight up is responsible for an entire family + staff getting killed and their estate burned- the daughter tortured and killed in Feyre's place and she doesn't even feel bad until she sees the body of the girl. She doesn't hold that guilt for more than a chapter at most. Her resourcefulness comes into play with one of the trials but yeah.

And of course all the men just want to fuck her for some reason.

Also, there is this incredibly weird vibe through the whole story where people are always referred to as male or female. It's squicks me out A LOT in this whole biological essentialism sense, sprinkled with heteronormativity vibe. It feels like a very cold way to refer to people and has almost this animalistic feeling to things. Like the male will mate with the female, sort of thing. I don't know if I'm conveying the vibe at all. I remember seeing this exact point mentioned by other people and I didn't think much of it, but in context I very much understand it now. There is no reason I can understand why Feyre would have this sort of verbiage when she grew up in a wealthy family and around human beings that largely wouldn't use these terms exclusively for descriptions. (The only reason I could think is that she was hunting, but still, it's a weird choice.)

The core of this story comes down to feeling like the usual escapism romance trope of 'a mid woman gets swept away by a stupidly rich and handsome guy' but with Fantasy set dressings to make it different. It's just bland to me. All the wants and needs are taken care of and it's just boring. The faerie aspects aren't even that expanded on either.

I will give the fact that Tamlin is probably not as creepy as other male love interests, but he still tries to force himself (it's mostly that he pins her to a wall and grinds on her, it's not super egregious as far as male love interests SADLY) on her once and even hurts her by biting her neck. And of course she just finds that hot and goes on to try to rile him up after that. I think that's why I don't like this romance. A lot of it is just physical lust and being horny with only a little bit of emotional connection in spots that feel more forced than natural and organic. I dunno tho.

I am half tempted to read the second book because I did quite enjoy Rhys, I love me some morally dubious men, but I don't think I could put myself through another one of these stories. Maybe I will see if a library has it to borrow so I don't feel bad for spending money on it.

Well maybe the next book I will genuinely like. Hopefully. I'm tired of being disappointed by books.

#tel babbles #tel's book reviews

[the-bjd-community-confess]

my woes, as yodeled into an indifferent void me: aahhhh! i'm so excited for my doll to arrive! *checks tracking 500x a day* the doll: finally arrives me: oh it's here! thank goodness it arrived safely!!!

me:

me:

me: doesn't open the box for a week

can my mental illness pls give me a break? executive dysfunction is so stupid. THE BOX IS RIGHT THERE! (related query: i know a lot of people keep their doll's boxes for a secondary proof of legitimacy but oh my sweet summer fuck this box is huge!!! where am i gonna put this!!!! where do y'all put yours??)

see also: doll next to me with no wig, holding her wig. i could put this on at any time and yet! it's not Time to put on the wig, apparently!

cannot impress upon the neurotypical enough how little choice i have in this dumb little matter, it's either "spend all night changing doll styling because i am Anxious" or "i am blind deaf and dumb to the concept of recreational activities." i spent eleven hours on and off yesterday, while doing other things in my life, looking at horse photos on the internet. i don't know why. i do not choose the hyperfixation, i merely live under its shadow. i could, theoretically, have stopped at any time and chosen to do something i actually wanted to do, but- oh sorry i blinked and it's been two hours since i last blipped back into awareness, what were we talking about?

and sure, my problems are small in the grand scheme of things, but i am awake at 4:30 in the morning so it's time to dish the Real Doll-Adjacent Dirt(TM). i am being hampered in my ability to do doll things by my dumb little life and it blows. (never mind that it also makes it incredibly challenging for me to function on a day to day basis when i either have to monch constantly to have an attention span, or i forget that i need to eat food entirely, never mind the fact that i've never had a consistent sleep schedule or awareness of the passage of time as a whole, but that's another matter.) (also for anyone suggesting medical assistance, oh buddy, i'm trying. my insurance provider serendipitously decided to no longer cover what i've been taking and thanks to no one believing in the pandemic in my area, my doc contracted The Rona which hampered scheduling of appointments -- and thus i have been forced to come off my medication cold turkey and i've been off for weeks verging on nearly two months. i'm surviving but if i can't even play with dolls when i want because of my idiot brain, extrapolate that to my ability to do anything else with my dumb little life.

this isn't so much a cry for help as me shouting into the void... eventually this will get sorted. until then, i'm exactly as bonkers as i normally am, but without the benefit of steering to direct the mental illness into a positive outlet. if anyone else is in the same boat as me, godspeed! i am forever furious by this change in policy; change "adhd medication" to "blood thinner" or "insulin" and i'd be Fuckening Dead, but the gross mischaracterization of mental health issues as something unimportant that you can solve by ~manifesting your blessings~ and lighting a new candle continues to be a pox upon society at a global scale.  i typed all this instead of opening the box or putting a wig on a doll because i, like stu pickles making pudding at 2 in the morning (which coincidentally i also just did -- it's banana pudding,) have lost control of my life. but hey, at least the box got here okay, yeah?

~Anonymous

#BJD #ABJD #BJD Confessions #TrueBJDConfessions #Neurodivergency #New Arrivals #The void says you should Open The Box

[laufire]

(CW for mentions of csa)

A lot of Commonly Accepted (Often Through Uncritical Repetition) Wisdom in fandom leaves me baffled, when not straight up ticked off, but one that's been on my mind lately, that never fails to bring a scrunched up expression to my face, is the idea that Bela Talbot's backstory was some last minute add-on to her character.

You might argue that the reveal was rushed since the writers caved in and killed her off against their original plan (or at the very least, earlier than). Or that using abuse is a trite way to raise sympathy for an antagonistic character. You could even say that some of the finer details might’ve not been set in stone until they sat down to write her exist, although that one is dubious. But I’m never really going to buy that Bela’s backstory hadn’t been already planned, likely in big part.

The reason why is Season Three Episode Six, “Red Sky At Morning”, Bela’s second episode, co-written by Eric Kripke himself. As all episodes with Bela were, may I add; which means he had a hand in crafting her story from the beginning, as creator, director, and writer.

There Dean, a character that has been shown as sharp and intuitive (although his success rate ain’t that great when it comes to Bela, admittedly xD), immediately pegs her as someone with Issues TM, asking “how did she get like this”. He even taunts her by referencing her father, showing off his talent to hit where it hurts by asking if he “didn’t give her enough hugs”, ‘cause he’s classy like that. This visibly affects Bela, changing her demeanor in their conversation, from more playful to defensive. Hell, I remember during my first watch in real time this moment, especially paired with the rest of the episode, was when I first thought it was possible she came from an abusive family.

Because, c’mon. This whole episode is about parricide. The monster of the week is a ghost who haunts those that “spilled their own family’s blood”. We get two other examples: a woman whose accidental car crash killed her cousin, and two brothers who killed their father for the inheritance. Clearly, the ghost doesn’t have a narrow criteria when it comes to means or culpability -which makes sense given his particular story: he was tried for treason and his brother, the captain of the ship, issued the sentence.

And just as we find out this information... Bela sees the ghost ship that foretells her death. This, paired with the insinuations about an unsavvory past and her discomfort at the mention of her father, aren’t a wealth of information, but they start to paint a picture. We now know for a fact that Bela caused the death of at least one relative (mom and dad); that she wouldn’t have needed to do it directly (she made a crossroads deal); and that she might’ve had a sympathetic motive (her father sexually abused her and her mother turned a blind eye).

That scene offers some more tidbits of information about her past that seem too in tune with 3x15 to be coincidental, and that absolutely break my heart: Bela’s “You wouldn’t understand. No one did.“ and “I’ll just do what I’ve always done. I’ll deal with it myself”. See, I always thought Bela must’ve told people, when she was a kid. That she reached out for help not just to her mother, but to everyone around her that she thought could’ve help: teachers, maybe even law enforcement; adults that should’ve being worthy of that trust and protected her. Except no one did (and the fact that her family seemed to be not only very rich but influential paints a very bleak picture that surely contributed to her cynic view of the world). So she took matters in her own hands, and sold her soul for ten years of relative safety and freedom from her abusers.

To tie it all up, her final scene in that episode offers some more moments that again, are very in line with her backstory. We see how she treats relationships as transactionals: she pays ten grand to the Winchesters for saving her life, like she paid with her soul. Dean, again, draws attention to her likely messed up past by calling her damaged, and she replies that “takes one to know one”. Terrible childhood, ammirite. The show wasn’t been subtle here: it’s telling us Bela has a terrible past, like the Winchesters do, but of a different kind that has resulted in a different kind of person. So yeah, I think all the facts were hinted at back in 3x06.

We could go even futher back and point out 3x03, Bela’s introduction. One of the very first things she says in the show, during her first face to face with Dean (a character that just condemned his soul to Hell), is “We’re all going to Hell, Dean. Might as well enjoy the ride”. Sure, it could be an incredibly fortuitous coincidence; as a writer, I’ve had those and they’re damn great. But it seems VERY lucky, and more likely to be a case of the kind premeditated, well-placed foreshadowing that Kripke excels at.

So, okay. I’ve established why I think Bela’s backstory wasn’t a spur of the moment decision. But why is there a notable narrative in fandom that it IS?

First thing first, I want to get something out of the way: you don’t have to like it even if it was planned ahead. I understand it’s a very thorny subject, and to make matters worse, it’s inherently tied to her death. You might even be fine with the what, but not with how it was dealt with (although personally, I appreciate that neither the abuse nor her death were shown onscreen. In fact, the worse violence we see Bela on the receiving end of in her run is Dean’s threats and manhandling, which seems like a very purposeful choice ngl. Even Gordon freaking Walker was gentler lmao).

But I do disagree with some extended fandom opinions on the topic, and I guess that’s what the post is about. For one, I don’t see how the show “condemned” or morally judged Bela in this scenario. If anything, they clearly wanted to make her sympathetic, AND they showed Dean as being in the wrong by robbing him of information. Dean’s opinion on Bela couldn’t count for shit, for once, because he didn’t have the full picture; because Bela had deemed him UNWORTHY of the full picture, and thus anything he had to say on her couldn’t be taken at face value (except this is Supernatural, so I guess this was a little too much to ask of some people?). I think saying that just because Bela died and went to Hell as a consequence of her deal, IN THE SAME SEASON the same happened to our co-lead, because the writers deemed her evil and irredeemable is simplistic at best, and the audience projecting their own feelings (or being unable to see past Dean’s) onto the writing.

All that said, to go back to the initial point of all of this xD: WHY does fandom seem to insist on viewing this narrative choice as some cheap last minute addition?

There might not be one explanation that fits all, but I have a few ideas. One is that, if this wasn’t planned for and hinted at from early on, some people might feel as if this “absolves” them of their previous (and disgustingly hateful and misoginistic) reactions to Bela. Others will see this as absolving Dean, and maybe even Sam to a lesser extent, for not helping her and for being callous towards her; if her tragic backstory was this artificial, rushed choice made by Those Writers, then Dean wasn’t responsible for reprehensible attitudes towards someone who deserved his compassion (and it can’t be denied that this fandom loves absolving Dean of responsibility lmao). And a lot people are probably only repeating what they've heard from others as the accepted narrative, especially those that didn't even watch all of s3 if at all (Castiel is my fave too, but seriously, s1-3 are worth it).

It’s like they’re creating this imaginary separation between Bela pre-reveal, and Bela post-reveal, to make the situation easier to themselves. See, Bela pre-reveal was this annoying bitch who inconvenienced and embarrassed our leads (not to mention dared have chemistry with them), and thus deserved to be punished for it; or, if we’re going with more modern fandom sensibilities, she can be made to fit into the shallow #GirlBoss mold, with a side of “Secretly A Lesbian And Therefore Not A Romantic Threat” flavour -the current preferred method to make controversial female characters more palatable.

The reveal throws a wrench into this narrative. “Bitch who deserves her comeuppance” is a hard sell when you’re talking about a character who survived csa. And a shallow #GirlBoss reading doesn’t work if you have to acknowledge that Bela was one of, if not the most tragic characters in the entire run of Supernatural.

She spent over half her life at the mercy of her abuser(s), hurt by those who should’ve loved her and protected her most. The rest of her life was extremely lonely, with seemingly only a cat as company, and a surface-level freedom that hid under the sentence that loomed over her head. She died without a single friend, or a simple show of kindness and compassion, without anyone bothering to fight for her. And then she ended up tortured for who knows how long until she became one of her torturers.

All of that is extremely difficult to digest. And when things are hard to swallow, people do as people do, and they try to simplify them. So, sure. Bela’s reveal wasn’t ever hinted at, it’s completely removed from her character and the person we met, and is not even worth trying to fit into the narrative. Sounds easy.

#talking to the void #my thoughts #spn thoughts #supernatural #bela talbot #bitter lau tag #fandom nonsense #spn 3x15 #spn 3x06 #spn s3

[cyrillean]

today, in "things literally no one asked for": all of sasara's verses in every song and drama track, ranked from worst to best

disclaimer that if you know enough about rap to be able to actually discuss and compare this sort of thing, uh, i have to warn you i don't so you might take psychic damage from reading this. but I TRIED

(also, this does not include the stage plays songs, sorry about that. it also does not include the curry thing, because i refuse to acknowledge it, thank you.)

ALSO OBVIOUSLY THIS IS JUST MY OPINION and if you disagree id love to hear why. this is just for fun and because the funnyman lives rent free in my head

14. sasara's verse with rosho in Aikata: deep sigh... im holding myself back from ranting for 10 paragraphs about this, but i genuinely think this showcases all their flaws as partners. it's not atrocious or anything, it's just. their styles cancel out in a way that reflects all their fears come true. it's cute tho

13. Survival of the Illest: Maybe I just didn't like the live performance, so I won't be able to rank it for sure until we get the official version of this and the BAT ones, but given Dotsuhon live performances tend to be even better than the studio versions, I'm inclined to say I straight up don't like his verse here lol?

12. Wara Osaka: ......yeah this is just thoroughly meh to me. Gives me the same vibes as his verse with Rosho in Aikata. Just not interesting. At least the song itself is really fun for something to vibe with without demanding that much attention.

11. Summit of Divisions (the bit from the leaders section in the trailer): Literally the most forgettable verse in this part of the song. Not bad, just thoroughly unremarkable both in the context of Sasara's verses and in the fact that all the other leaders have STELLAR verses here. Structure wise it makes sense going into Kuko's final verse, which probably only hits AS hard BECAUSE sasara's bit passes right by you, but still.

10. his parts in N☆PS: This song is fantastic, but Sasara is really just here as the glue to tie things together- the real standouts in this one are Rei and Rosho. Still, special shotout to him counting down in a speech.

9. sasara's solo verse in Aikata: perfectly standard sasara rap. this is like the baseline of what should be expected from this clown imo. the lyrics are kinda toothless but the way he delivers it doesn't disappoint

8. Joy for Struggle: It's only just a bit above The Sasara Standard Of Quality. Real good, real fun, takes advantage of the fantastic instrumentals of the song, and his confidence carries him a long way- but let's be honest, Ichiro sort of wiped the floor with him on this one

7. His first verse in Summit of Divisions: Judged solely as rap his bit here is nothing special, but in the context of the song itself, it's one of the most fun parts, he really leans into the vibe of the song by giving a little breather that's still genuinely fun and keeps the energy going into Rosho's verse.

6. Helter Skelter: much like everything else about sasara in helter skelter, his verse here is INTERESTING... he drops a lot of his usual flair and instead delivers a very, hm, i don't know enough about rap to describe it; it's very technically impressive compared to his usual stuff? I wouldn't be surprised if this is a peek at what he sounded like in Ikebukuro. If he'd carried this energy into Joy for Struggle it would have at least been a more interesting fight

5. Division Battle Anthem +: ...I think Sasara may well be the ONLY person who perfomed BETTER in Rap Battle than in Battle Anthem. I still prefer his verse here, but it's very style over sustance. That in no way means it's bad tho because absolutely NO ONE has a bad or even mediocre verse in this song, and I appreciate his kanto-ben joke its cute

4. Division Rap Battle +: I don't actually like his verse here much, but relistening I have to admit it's actually very, hmm... it's sasara going all out with style, he does SO much in just 20 seconds. In Tragic Transistor he calls himself a southpaw rapper, and I don't know enough about rap to know if he's bullshitting or not, but this verse makes it hard to argue with him.

3. Tragic Transistor: He does not shut up for a single SECOND in this entire song, and lets none of that time go to waste. The song itself barely changes at all, and the choruses are relatively speaking very short, so he carries the whole entire three minutes by himself without it EVER getting boring. He manages to rap for a whole song about himself, without actually SAYING anything meaningful about himself, and yet STILL asserting dominance WHILE being a clown. this song is a joy to rap

2. Aikata(s): Unironically fantastic, which goes for rosho's parts as well. in many shonen Fights Between Allies (tm), i feel like even if they SAY they're not holding back, they end up being like "oh it doesnt matter who wins, what matters is that we're enjoying the battle and giving it our all" etc. well this is NOT the case here, they are HONEST TO GOD BOTH FIGHTING TO WIN, and sasara genuinely throws out some lines i wouldn't have thought he'd say to rosho. just a great battle imo

Tragic Comedy #1. Osaka Dreamin Night: talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before, COME ON EVERY PART OF HIS VERSE HERE IS ICONIC. HAI DOMO DOTSUITARE HOMPO DESU. TAMUKETARO KA HIGANBANA. IM A TRAGIC COMEDY NUMBER 1. THE BIT WHERE HE PUNS AROUND HIS NAME FOR LIKE FOUR FULL LINES. this is such an addictive verse to rap it's just so fun and bouncy with just a dash of threathening. HONA NEEEE

#hypmic #hypnosis mic #sasara nurude #nurude sasara #pls discuss akdnkqjd

[honeysuckle-venom]

What does it feel like to have delusions and paranoia and what do disorganized thoughts feel like?

Thank you so much for asking, I was realizing as I answered the other questions that I didn't actually describe at all what my schizophrenia symptoms feel like.

Again, this is going to be long, so the answer is under the cut

All of these things feel different for different people, so I'm purely answering for myself, although my experiences overlap with a lot of other psychotic people I know.

Delusions are, simply put, beliefs in things that aren't true despite evidence to contrary. They are usually fixed, resistant to change, and tend to fall into certain categories such as beliefs that you're in danger or being watched or that you're very powerful (you can look up types of delusions for more info). Delusions and paranoia often go hand in hand. I'll use some of my own delusions for examples.

I have a recurring delusion that insects are maliciously targeting me, that they communicate with each other and enter my house in an attempt to harm me. This is, obviously, not true, and intellectually I know this, but I cannot really believe it. Insects cannot communicate complex ideas and have no reason to target me, a random person. Despite knowing that this belief cannot possibly rationally be true, when I see an insect in my house I immediately become filled with terror and panic. I'm convinced that it's going to hurt me, that it's there specifically to attack and traumatize me, and that I'm in grave danger from an organization of insects. It feels absolutely terrifying, it feels like I am being attacked and like I'm trapped and helpless and going to be hurt. This insect delusion is classified as a "persecutory delusion", a subset of paranoid delusions where someone believes they are being targeted.

I also have general paranoia, which isn't always as specific as a paranoid delusion. For me that usually feels like a vague sense that People TM are watching me or following me or planning on hurting me, accompanied by fear and anxiety. I also have paranoid delusions that fall somewhere between the level of specificity of my insect delusion and just general paranoia, such as believing that I'm in a giant experiment and my actions are being studied. Most of my delusions are paranoid in nature and are accompanied by extreme terror, anxiety, and a sense of helplessness and lack of control. I'm almost constantly convinced that people are trying to hurt me, and it makes life very very stressful and difficult to deal with. It's exhausting to be afraid all the time, and it often takes all of my energy to just survive when I'm so scared.

Disorganized thoughts are difficult to explain, but I will do my absolute best. Most of the time I have a low level of delusions and paranoia as I just go about my daily life. However sometimes a trigger will occur and I'll enter a more acute psychotic episode, where symptoms are more intense and difficult to manage. These acute episodes are almost always accompanied by disorganized thinking.

When my thoughts are disorganized it feels like my head is spinning, like as soon as I try to follow the thread of a thought it slips through my grasp and I can't reach the end of it. I struggle to understand complex language and concepts, and get oddly fixated on certain phrases or sounds. My thoughts stop flowing coherently from one thing to the next, and instead jump from unrelated topic to unrelated topic faster than I can keep up with. I'll lose track of a thought or sentence in the middle of it and be unable to finish. I'll struggle to understand things, and usually have great difficulty reading or following a conversation. Basic things become very confusing. I'll see a number of random and constantly shifting images in my mind's eye that are difficult to sort out, and the images are often quite morbid and disturbing. It's like an internal cacophony that I can't untangle, like everything is moving faster than I can. My speech follows my thoughts and usually becomes somewhat hard to understand, and my sense of grammar flies out the window. Sounds often become more important than meaning, so I'll start rhyming things or repeating phrases rather than making sense. I don't know if I'm doing a very good job describing what it feels like. Mostly it feels incredibly disorienting and dizzying. Recently when my thoughts were disorganized I wrote them down, stream-of-consciousness style, to show my therapist, and I'm going to include two sections from that to illustrate what I'm talking about. Warning for some disturbing images described:

Trying to capture my thoughts for you because you asked questions what it looked like it looks like many things different things all at once but here this is one thing one way one version one chapter one story trying to type as fast as thoughts but so fast only catching every third the mighty fall the major lift hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah help me help me help her us him them out tune our trust our lights lights there’s a light next to normal aunt Jackie jackets yellow jacks and wasps

Can feel feel things my damp hair fake bugs cold air hot air air planes and apples apples and atlases I need to find my way output put out out is flailing failing falling fall fatal femme fatale festering wounds rotting bleeding corpses scabs and rats rats and rates how do you rate the brain how do you rate the time

So...yeah that's what the inside of my head sounds like when it's disorganized, more or less. Except it actually sounds and feels even more nonsensical because that’s only what I was able to capture in writing, my actual thoughts were going too fast to write everything. It's not very fun.

#long post #answers #about me #s tag #psychosis tag #don't reblog

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #373

“warm me up in a nova’s glow  /  and drop me down to the dream below”

Have you ever kissed someone that you thought you’d never kiss? Welp, never thought I'd kiss a girl for most of my life. When was the last time you ate take-out and what was it that you ate? Mom bought us breakfast at Bojangle's the morning after my sleep study. I got a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. Do you enjoy when guys hit on/flirt with you or does it normally make you uncomfortable or annoyed? When was the last time more than one guy was flirting with you at a time? It makes me uncomfortable, especially if it's very obvious and pushy. Like some respectful flirting is fine and can be flattering if I'm single, but you better respect my boundaries and not act like a dog. I don't think two guys have both been openly interested in me since Juan and Jason in high school. Can you name five things you enjoy looking at pictures of? Animals, flowers, waterfalls, expressions of love between people, and boudoir. Would you rather have an eternal winter or an eternal summer? Both sound pretty sucky, but an eternal summer sounds worse. Do you know much about the Greek gods? Not anymore. I did in high school, as mythology was an elective I took. Are there a lot of stray cats and dogs near where you live? Not in this neighborhood. How would you cope with living in isolation away from society? How long do you think you could cope before you went mad? Oh god, I couldn't cope. I'd lose my shit so fast. Have you ever found any hidden treasure? No. Would you ever want to hibernate through the winter? No, I enjoy winter. Which holiday do you prefer, Halloween or Christmas? I like the Halloween vibe more, but I enjoy Christmas more as a holiday. Do you prefer hot or cold drinks overall? Cold. What’s the smallest thing you’ve ended a relationship over? I don't believe I've broken up with anyone over something small. Have you or a member of your family been diagnosed with COVID yet? My older sister got it. It was hell. What’s the dominant color in the room you’re in at the moment? An off-white. Do you know who your mom’s favorite singer is? James Hetfield of Metallica. Easy. What room in your house is the messiest? The spare room. Have you ever used a “puppy face” to get your way? Ha, yeeeaaah... If you could change any law that exists in your current country, what would it be and why? Here comes free healthcare. For obvious reasons. What were the last toppings you had on a pizza? Pepperoni. Would you rather spend an hour walking a dog or riding a horse? Riding a horse. Do you freak out when you need to visit the doctor or the dentist? Nah. Do you prefer The Lord of the Rings or The Hobbit movies, if you like any of them? I haven't watched either. Which Harry Potter film was your favourite? What about your least favourite? I haven't watched those, either. What do you think about nose piercings? I like them. Nostril studs especially are really cute imo. How many floors does your house have? One. What’s your favorite flavor of Kool-Aid? I don't really like Kool-Aid anymore. Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Yeah, a cyst. Do you enjoy sappy love songs? Unabashedly. Do you wear a one-piece or a two-piece when you go swimming? One-piece. What would be your biggest pet peeve in a relationship? Not communicating your feelings straight-up. Be straightforward and honest with what you're going through with your partner, for the love of God. Have you ever had a teacher hit on you? Have you ever hit on a teacher? No to both. Do you tend to eat more on Halloween, Thanksgiving, or Christmas? Christmas, because of chocolate stocking stuffers and boxes from Dad, haha. Do you know what an "AMV" is? Yeah, I used to make them. Do you think you have a sad life? In some ways, yeah. What’s one award show you have to watch every year? None. Who do you like more: the Batman or the Joker? The Joker, particularly Heath Ledger's. Do you like Rammstein? Love 'em. What is your favorite small dog breed? Aesthetically, I think pugs, but I've said before and I'll say it a thousand more times: I don't support breeding them. What was the first comic book you ever had an obsession over? I've never been obsessed with a comic book. Do you like kids pop-up books? Those were my absolute favorite kind AS a kid. What is your mother's mother's maiden name? Ummm I'm pretty sure Collins. Have you ever pet a monkey? No. What’s your favorite Owl City song… besides "Fireflies?" I actually really like "Hot Air Balloon." What’s your fave Miley Cyrus song? I don't know many, but I do know "The Climb" is absolutely gorgeous. Fave Rascal Flatts song? Probably "My Wish." But I also really like "Why" and "What Hurts the Most." Fave Justin Bieber song? None. Miley Cyrus, Demi Lavato, or Selena Gomez? Jesus, you really like bands that I don't, haha. I don't know any Demi or Selena songs, so idk. Fave Eminem song? Oh man, I do like a lot of Eminem. I know it's so cliche, but I genuinely adore "Love The Way You Lie." It gives me goosebumps. Do you think you could survive a month of solitary confinement? NO. Absolutely not. I would lose my motherfucking mind. What is something that you find utterly boring? Sports, save for dance, are incredibly blah to me. What noise/sound can put you to sleep? Gentle, steady rain tapping on the window. When you are upset, do you tend to shut others out? YYYYYYYYYYYEP. When was the last time you felt abandoned by someone? bleh Does the sight of blood gross you out? No. Do you like red roses, or do you prefer another color? I love red ones, but I really, really like the ones with a pink-peach gradient. Have you ever gone through a red light? I think I MIGHT have accidentally because I was zoned out, but I don't THINK so. Do you fail to stop for stop signs, sometimes? I can't recall if I ever have. What is one of your major turn-offs? Misogyny. The moment you act like you exceed my worth just because you have a dick, byyyyyeeee~ During which year of your life were you the most unhappy? 2016 was hell on Earth for me. Have you ever seen a blue jay in person? I have. Do you like leaves better in the summer/spring, or in the fall? I'd like to meet someone that actually chooses anything besides fall, lol. Do you like the appearance of green eyes? YES! Do you typically like green-colored candies? Yessss. It's not rare for them to be my favorite flavor of whatever the thing is. Who is the most energetic and happy person you know of? My nephew, omg. Have you ever encountered a black widow? I actually have seen at least one to my memory. They're native here. Has an animal ever peed on you? Yes. Do you prefer green or purple/red grapes? I enjoy both, but I prefer green IF they're actually firm. What color is your birthstone? Purple. Why did you leave your house last? To go to the TMS office. I have to go there every day (but the weekends) for two months for treatment now. Is anything on your body sore? Well, inevitably my upper right arm, where my tattoo is. It looks so fucking beautiful redone though, it's all worth it. :') Have you ever eaten a cookie cake before? If so, was it good? Hell yeah man, cookie cakes are great. Do you lose interest in someone easily? I'm quite the opposite. Who was the last person you flirted with? Sara. Do you still talk to the person you fell the hardest for? No. Who’s the last person that slept over your house? My sister and her husband. Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Yes. Are you currently sad about anything? I mean, I always am about something. How would you feel if your last ex fell in love with someone else? I would be super happy for her. Who was the last person who left your life and hurt you? Colleen. Do you know anyone who died of breast cancer? I might know of somebody, but all I know personally are survivors. Do you miss any of your old friends? Well of course. Have you ever been used before? I don't know. Ever taken a picture kissing someone? Yes. What’s the last thing you and your sibling laughed about? I Don't know. I haven't seen either in some time. What’s the last thing you took a picture of? A meme to send Sara, haha. Do you listen to classical music? No. Do you tell your parents who you like? Why or why not? I mean, I don't just randomly bring it up because just being like "hey I like this person _____ now" seems weird. Now if I was asked or mentioning it is somehow relevant, then I will. Who’s the most annoying person in your neighborhood? The damn dog next door who never shuts up. Name one of your psycho exes? None. I was the "psycho ex," and it's embarrassing as shit. Do you make your own clothes and/or add designs to them on your own? No. Do you ever feel guilty eating meat? It's not something I always actively think about, but subconsciously, I absolutely always do. Especially knowing my family doesn't buy from "ethical" markets, but instead big ones. "Ethical" in quotations because there is no moral way to slaughter an animal for food, but at least there are smaller farmers who can give their livestock a better, cleaner, happier life. What are you listening to at the moment? I'm semi-watching Gab play Bioshock. I'd never seen the game before, so just kinda vicariously checking it out. Seems all right. Does anything hurt right now? My tattoo is definitely in the sore phase. It'll start scabbing soon. I literally can't stop looking at it, I love it so much. How many years have you lived at the house you’re living in right now? Around 1 1/2. Have you ever lived in a different country that the one you’re living in? No. Which of your parents will you see next? I live with my mom and rarely see my dad, so. Do you like Chinese food? Only pork fried rice and egg rolls, really. What sort of music were you brought up on? When all of us kids were very little, Mom would usually play her rock channels on the radio, sometimes a (clean) CD. She also would ensure to play kids' cassettes sometimes, too, like Raffy or whoever it was. Once Ashley reached a certain age, she would always ask for a pop channel to be put on, so most of my childhood was that and some country music, too.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''castle of glass'' by linkin park

[jaybug-jabbers]

All-Glitch Pokemon Blue Run Pt16: Approaching Destiny

The following is a series of texts exchanged between the devices of Professor Gingko and his assistant, June, dated 8/15/97. This document is for the personal information and use of the designated recipiet only (i.e., “for your eyes only”). It is not to be shared. 

P Gingko 3:34 pm

June? Are you still out working with D4 in the Mansion? You've been gone quite a long time now. I was hoping for a status report.

Junebug  3:46 pm

ya got sidetracked sorry

P Gingko 3:47 pm

Side-tracked doing what?

Junebug  3:49 pm

um

Junebug  3:49 pm

I'll tell you but promise you won't be mad, ok?

P Gingko 3:50 pm

I won't be mad as long as you don't give me a reason to be mad.

Junebug  3:52 pm

I'm sort of in Viridian City right now

Junebug  3:52 pm

and, uh, I just finished fighting the gym leader. did yoy know the Viridian Gym leader was Giovani?

P Gingko 3:53 pm

What on Earth possessed you to do this, June? Did I not *specifically* instruct you no more gym battles or trainer fights? You know we're trying to keep a low profile!

Junebug  3:53 pm

ok see you're getting mad

Junebug  3:53 pm

look, I had a reason

Junebug  3:54 pm

I heard on the news that the Viridian Gym was accepting challengers again, and somebody was speculating the leader of the gym was actually this giovani guy

Junebug  3:54 pm

and like it was acting as his sort of cover. you know, the dude who is in charge of team rocket? those losers who keep smuggling pokemon and stuff? and they were RIGHT, it totally was giovani

P Gingko 3:56 pm

I fail to see why this is relevent. What does it matter if the Gym leader is Giovani? You still shouldn't have challenged him, especially in front of so many witnesses.

Junebug  3:58 pm

because I stopped him! I stomped him flat with my glitch pokes and he was so confused and humiliated that he swore he couldnt even face team rccket anymore. he said he's disbanding the whole organization! look i knew somebody had to take the guy down a few pegs, and I was right, it worked.

P Gingko 4:00 pm

As commendable as that is, June, this sort of thing still is best left to the authorities to deal with. Let the police and investigators handle Team Rocket. It's not the job of a busy young lady who's assisting a glitch pokemon professor on very delicate research.

Junebug  4:02 pm

Isn't it, though?

P Gingko 4:02 pm

Isn't it what?

Junebug  4:05 pm

Look, Professor. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. We've been spending months now researching these glitch pokemon. And you've spent YEARS doing it. All in super secrecy. Ever since they were discovered, its been in secret. youve been slaving away in the shadows, and all your colleagues just think youre some qwuak, some lunatic.

P Gingko 4:05 pm

The reminder is, in fact, not necessary. I'm well aware of how the academic community perceives me.

Junebug  4:06 pm

Don't you think it's about time we do something about that? We've learned so much and we have PLENTY of proof by now! We can go public about glitch pokemon and show the world what they've been missing. or misunderstanding.

P Gingko 4:08 pm

June, that's not for you to decide. The nature of our research is very important but also very sensitive. We're working with incredibly powerful forces. In the wrong hands, or if mishandled, glitch pokemon and glitch phenomenon can be devastating

Junebug  4:11 pm

Yeah but isn't that all the more reason to go forward with the truth? Sooner or later, some random person will stumble across glitches, just like I did. And who knows what will happen to them. But if we go forward and educate people, then, laws can be made, and people can learn about them, and we can all know how to deal with glitches properly.

Junebug  4:11 pm

and also people will realize we're not crazy!! you wont have to work in obscurity anymore. you can be a hero! recognized for your genius.

P Gingko 4:12 pm

Appealing to my sense of vanity won't work, you know.

Junebug  4:12 pm

its not really about the glory though, thats just a nice added bonus.

P Gingko 4:15 pm

June . . . it's not as though I have not considered these facts. I've thought about them for years. About when to go public, and how, and with what information. It is of course my ultimate goal to reveal what we've learned to the world. So that everyone can live safely and co-exist with these amazing creatures.

P Gingko 4:15 pm

But it's not as simple as just holding a press conference and proclaiming things to the world. There are so many factors to consider.

Junebug  4:17 pm

Maybe you'r over-complicating it, though. like, I had this great idea yesterday about how we can do it.

P Gingko 4:17 pm

I mean this with no offense, but I very much doubt that you've settled on a solution more sophisticated then my years of consideration has generated.

Junebug  4:19 pm

wait til you hear it before dismissing it, man

Junebug  4:19 pm

you're gonna love it

Junebug  4:19 pm

you ready to hear it?

P Gingko 4:20 pm

June.

Junebug  4:20 pm

ok so . . . .

Junebug  4:20 pm

I take my team of glitch pokemon and I beat the Elite 4 and become Pokemon Champion of the entire region.

Junebug  4:24 pm

Professor?

Junebug  4:26 pm

Professor, u still there?

Junebug  4:27 pm

c'mon man its a brilliant idea

P Gingko 4:30 pm

Get back to the lab. We're not discussing this.

Junebug  4:30 pm

Aw, cmon. What better way to prove to the whole world the power and reality of glitch pokemon? Nobody can call it phony after that, and nobody can deny them. Plus with the prestige of Championship we'll be in a position to put forth our important research and ideas on handling glitch pokes safely.

Junebug  4:40 pm

Professor, are you there?

P Gingko 4:48 pm

Get back to the lab.

P Gingko 4:48 pm

We can discuss it there.

—

(E-mail from one week later)

Professor,

This is the update you wanted about my journey through Victory Road. I know you’re still feeling hestitant even after all our long discussions about the plan. I hope this report can reassure you that this is going to go off without a hitch.

My first hurdle on the journey began before I could even take a single step on Victory Road. Professor Oak’s grandson had once again managed to track me down. It’s like that kid has a sixth sense for honing in on me and being annoying, I swear. He demanded a battle, so I complied.

Things were a cakewalk, but then, uhh. He sent out his Alakazam and it was . . . a lot stronger then before. By like, a lot.

He wiped my entire team. It was almost in an instant. 

But that didn’t matter, because I’m no pushover trainer! Maybe I used to be, but these days I’ve learned an awful lot. So I dug into my supplies of TMs and found the perfect one. I taught Giago Thunder Wave.

During our rematch, Gia survived a hit and paralyzed the Alakazam. I knew the Zam had paltry Defense, so I sent out Fractal, who has amazing physical Attack. The Zam crumpled before us!

Things were a little tight with the final foe, a level 53 Blastoise, but my team chipped him down enough that Wobbles could easily finish the job. Not bad for a team sitting at around level 35.

With that annoying kid cleared out of the way, we headed to the caves known as Victory Road.

The journey wasn’t exactly a quick one, I’ll be honest. It took a lot of tromping around, getting lost, pushing rubble out of the way, and battling trainers that had alarmingly high-levelled pokemon. I eventually decided it would probably be best if we did a little extra training. It would make the trip a bit smoother.

So we trained, and we trained hard. Our goal was for everyone to reach level 40. Not too ambitious, just around 5 levels or so. For some, it was pretty easy. Wobbles had no problems, and Gia was packing Surf. Sure, Gia’s Special isn’t great, but it was still enough to take out the local Rock/Ground types in the cave. Jasper took slightly longer to work with, but with Earthquake and Hydro Pump, he still didn’t have much trouble. 

Dusty was a bit harder to train. As you know, her stats have never been incredible . . . besides her speed, that is. But she had Bubblebeam, Ice Beam and Hydro Pump, so it actually wasn’t too bad; just a little more time-consuming.

Then there was Fractal. I’ve noted before that Fractal’s defenses (both of them) are the worst of the team’s, and frankly abysmal. So training him was certainly a challenge. I opted to wander the grasses just outside of the cave, beating on Dittos and Fearows and healing a TON. It took a while, but eventually, even Fractal rose through the ranks.

After Fractal, there was just Charmed left to train. It wasn’t too bad, considering how balanced Charm’s stats are. The only extra thing I needed to do was duplicate some Elixirs for Charmed. She still doesn’t trust Pokecenter nurses, so she’ll only accept heals from me. I even bought Charmed a little treat and taught her Fire Blast.

Of course, if I’d wanted to, I could have duplicated a crapton of Rare Candies and just fed them to my pokemon. But I wasn’t going to do that. After all, you told me eating too much candy isn’t healthy for pokemon, and besides, I knew they could prove themselves in battle.

And that they did. We finally cleared Victory Road’s twisted, confusing tunnels and made it outside to face the large, dominating building that housed the Elite Four.

It was time.

—

Click For the Next Part of the Series!

#pokemon #glitch pokemon #pokemon glitching #mycontent #glitch run #pokemon playthroughs

[crowfeets]

re: nanonovel project

it has been my nanonovel attempt since age 16 and i have had these ocs since age 12

im STill working on it and want. to make a finished manuscript even just for myself

i gravitate to fantasy and scifi but for some reason this bastard thing wants to be contemporary

i still don’t have 99% of a plot

garbled summary below

what i do know is it’s about this 23 year old comp sci student named hart who is greek-canadian and autistic and dyslexic and has cptsd and anxiety and is Depressed As Hell tm and he’s recently dropped out again and survived a suicide attempt. and is staying on his much cooler sister’s couch.

(her name is em and she is a 30something goth bisexual tattoo artist with dreams to set up her own woman owned shop and marry her gf of like over a decade. her gf is a black trans punk and has a band and probably has a day job. probably several day jobs. she is Also thinking of proposing. also she needs a new name. a cooler name. they also have a one eyed black cat named mrs. peabody.)

and isaac izzy, 29, law student (might change cause it’s a goofy name really. in this iteration that is Also the name of his abusive shitty dad so uh.)

is like this disaster manchild rich hedonist desperately trying to do anything to feel a single serotonin and im like. he has cptsd too but also prob adhd n stuff. he’s lebanese and white and was raised by his white dad. also trauma around mom stuff maybe but i don’t want to fridge her.

he gets kicked out and cut off by above shitty dad. and remembers a friend from a business conference or business school or some shit, spoilers it’s em, and asks if he can cross the border and like stay with her. and shes like “yeah lol chill.”

i bet you can see where this is going this is INCREDIBLY self indulgent.

izzy shows up like hey haha im ~technically homeless~ and hart is like wow you are the single worst person i’ve ever met i can’t believe i’m going to sleep with you.

n like plot stuff about trauma and toxic masculinity and being a gay dude and ideas about what it means to be a man and queer and internalized homophobia also like found family and healing from trauma and realizing it’s ok to be vulnerable and get help.

these two doofuses learn about themselves and grow as people and confront trauma and fall in love and it’s awkward and sappy. and every woman around them is a million times more competent and emotionally together.

IDK IM STILL ON DRAFT ZERO but i want. to get this thing out just for me. maybe no one will ever see the finished thing but it won’t leave me alone haha.

#my own trash goobers tag #crowtalk #suicide ideation ment // #abuse ment/

[whirlibird]

Your posting of fate makes me wanna try watching it again but I have NO IDEA where it's supposed to start smwnwnj

<3 <3 <3 To Think I Am Being Rewarded For My Behaviour Of Spamming Anime Posts....

but yea GOTTA LOVE FATE it gets wild!!! it is pretty hard to get started and i cant say im the best to give recommendations since i havent even seen everything dfhjgsdgf but i will give it my best shot!

fate stay night is where fate started, and the easiest place to start *that* would be the fate/stay night unlimited blade works anime by ufotable

it should be on crunchyroll, thats where i watched it. it lacks a few things but gets most of the themes right, which is what’s important. the animation is also baller and its a fun watch! very good intro to the series.

https://www.crunchyroll.com/fatestay-night ‘tis here if you wanna hop in

alternatively, you can also start with fate/zero, which is a prequel to fate stay night.

theres quite a good anime adaptation - i wouldn’t personally recommend it to start with, bc its a bit too dark and lacks optimism for my tastes, which isnt really reflective of fate as a whole? at least imo. it is good, though - or at least, enjoyable?

listen, it has lancelot du lac jump on top of a fighter jet and chase king gilgamesh around on it while screaming and firing a minigun! while rock music plays!

tangent, but fate has the best lancelot take of any adaptation ive seen so far because it actually remembers that a major part of his character is his Emotional Delicacy and his tendency to regularly go batshit when faced with difficult problems. fate really said “what if we manifested the second most mary sue knight in all of arthuriana, but like, only from the times when he went insane and ran off naked into the woods”

and also gave him a gun!

i love lancelot

anyway. it also provides some background for fate/stay night and adds some depth and reinforcement to the Juicy Themes(TM) behind fate, which is the main appeal of the franchise. that and the extremely off-the-walls bullshit they come up with sometimes.

i started with the unlimited blade works anime, lost my mind over archer, and then sort of passively consumed fate by just...seeing posts that turned up on my dash about it, or from friends talking to me abt some of the wilder shit that happens.

fate meta is incredibly enjoyable to read bc theyre just hog wild and occasionally give me emotional whiplash from how fucking weird fate is, but also how emotionally compelling some of the Themes(TM) are

then i got into fate grand order bc i read a post analyzing the character motivations of salieri, you know, the musician, who in fate is actually the manifestation of the rumors that he killed mozart, and has a Lot of issues about this

he first shows up in an alternate timeline of russia where everyone had to become furries in order to survive permawinter

because aliens

fate grand order is a gacha mobile game and i cannot even begin to describe what its deal is. it starts slow but gets very, very good later on.

but yeah fgo sucked me back into fate, permanently this time, and im STILL working my way thru fate content

there is so much fate content, oh my god

on the plus side you wont run out and most of it is self-contained so you can just stop at your favourite

the one downside of the anime adaptations is that they dont go in as deep on the characters and their dynamics with each other as the visual novel does, so some of the finer details that really make the themes Pop dont get across, which is a shame. but also it doesnt really matter when youre first getting into fate? you can just start at UBW, and if you like it, mosey along into the other stuff when you so feel like it

(sidenote - there isnt a decent anime adaptation of the fate route - it’s the first of three routes that make up fate/stay night, before unlimited blade works and heaven’s feel. each of the three routes do build up on each other, and the fate route is chronologically first, but. well. an anime adaptation of fate route does exist, but its kind of a mess, and also combines stuff from other routes, which isnt great)

this went on a lot longer than i expected but i hope it helps!

tl;dr start with the fate stay night unlimited blade works anime, and then go from there :D

#fate has so much Depth and potential and sometimes its squandered but sometimes it goes FULL IN which is always fun #SORRY THIS IS ALL OVER THE PLACE LMAO I HAVE ADHD AND I AM VERY ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT FATE #fate #fates #nick blabs #Anonymous #asks #the last movie of heaven's feel has just come out #which is the anime adaptation of heavens feel route #havent seen it but it looks real good #so thats something you might wanna look into after UBW #before you watch fate zero - because fate zero kinda spoils some things about heaven's feel #i havent even touched on the fate extra games #but i can give you more info on those when i finish fate extra lmao

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

(abuse tw i guess, just mentions.)

You know what’s weird?

I just saw a post about having ADHD that uses “wanting everyone to like you” as a part of it.

But like... I’ve been diagnosed ADHD since I was seven years old. And even as a little seven year old, I never really... had that desire for people to like me? Certainly not on a conscious level. And I NEVER had any desire to change myself to make people like me. Never, ever ever cared for that. If people don’t like me for being who I am, then they’re free to mock me, and I’m free to keep rockin’ who I truly am. I was never willing to sacrifice who I am for others’ comfort.

What I’m saying is, I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, but not because I want people to like me. I didn’t have it until my stepmother relentlessly abused me day in and day out, and socializing started Mattering^tm in adulthood.

I was always standoffish, introverted. At least once I grew out of toddlerdom, I remember always being a “lone wolf”. I’d play with my siblings, sure, but I was just as happy to take a Beverly Cleary “AR” book and lounge on my bed with the pages as my only company. Or, more often, Bunnicula.

Sure, if people mocked me, it would hurt when I was so young. But I was happy, for the most part, with who I was right up until The Big “T” in RWT Revelation when I was 14 years old. I would know that their opinion of me didn’t really matter, as long as I stayed true to who I am. Even as a kid, I always tried to be the best version of me, and was willing to improve, sure. But only if the criticism rang as valid. And “[me] has cooties!” just... didn’t? If other kids didn’t like me, I simply didn’t care!

I don’t know what it is. There’s just some intrinsic disconnect in the Social Substantiation part of my life, where I just. Didn’t need the validation of the people around me. Not most of them, anyways. (Friends? Yeah, my friends were always an incredibly valuable part of my life, and I desperately wanted to see my friends smile even if it’s at my own expense, but only like 7 people made the grade for most of my life.)

I think it was because I was subjected to bullying from a very young age, and though nobody ever did anything about it, I recognized it for the shallow, baseless ritual it really is. It didn’t make me any less valuable. So what if I really liked playing as animals? So what if my favorite band was J-Pop? So what if kids literally ran away from me whenever I got too close on the playground? Their opinions didn’t really matter to me as much as my own heart, my own enjoyment, my own life.

(Hell, I turned it on them and purposely chased the kids who were bullying me around the playground until they couldn’t run anymore. And I thought it was FUN!)

So, I did wind up developing social anxiety as I grew, largely starting as a spark from my phobia and stomach troubles (imagining scenarios that made me very, very anxious), and my stepmother’s constant berating me whenever I spoke fanned the flames wide. By my sophomore year of high school, this ten-year-old kid who had gladly given a mini seminar about why the rainforest is valuable to an entire auditorium of parents, teachers, and students without a flush of nerves was suddenly rendered, five years later, frozen and tearful at the very thought of singing in front of a close-knit group of choir folks.

And it shocked me, it genuinely truly SHOCKED me, and horrified me, to realize I’d been reduced to tears, rendered silent with anxiety, simply because I’d then been trained to FEAR any time I opened my mouth.

I immediately decided I despised it, and have been working to regain my “voice” ever since.

By age 17, I was willing to be watched in speaking again, but hesitated to initiate interaction unless I was sure somebody wanted it. (Frankly, I just didn’t like socializing.)

By 18, I had my first customer service job at a little music and games place called The Exchange, where I had to learn to initiate interaction. (Just to ask, “Hey, do you need any help finding anything?” And within two months, I got over my anxiety, almost even the distaste for smalltalk conversation.)

At my very next job, my first long-term job, I remember, when I first started, literally asking my manager, “How do you just talk to people?” Because even if I wasn’t afraid to initiate it, I had almost No Experience with regular, boring, plain laymens conversation. I didn’t know how to play the smalltalk game. And he actually walked me through some interactions, gave me pointers, gave me a bit of a script to follow.

I’ve gotten much, much better at that by now, after 5 years of working there and now 3 years of basically undergoing Socialization Training, along with active CBT with my therapist.

It’s a weird dichotomy, having RSD (but only in certain situations) while also being a fiercely, relentlessly irreverent and independent loner who doesn’t give a singular shit what other people think.

I think I’m circling back to my childhood levels of blissful disregard, as I work with my mentors and therapist on healing from the abuse and PTSD. I still haven’t ever held myself back when something Really Needed to be said. (Except, and this is the only exception that I can think of, in cases where “walking on eggshells” is the only way to survive without making my stepmonster blow up over every word. I acquiesce to her, not because I give any care whatsoever about her “liking” me, but just because I don’t want to deal with her attacking me whenever I speak what’s truly on my mind. And sometimes, not even that will stop me, but she hasn’t exactly earned any sort of gentle consideration. I will say the very fewest words to her that I possibly can, and then escape the very MOMENT an opportunity presents itself... and not all of those words are kind, I’ll be honest. But somebody has to tell her when she’s being ridiculous and hurting everyone around her? Somebody has to make her stomp up to her room and cool off. I’m alright being the one to bear that burden.)

But that’s a tangent for another post. 

I’ve never really put words to this before. I always just said, “I don’t care what they say.” But somewhere deep down, I do?

I guess I’m just... really good at not listening to the part of me that Does care.

#rhs personal posts #rhs childhood

[full-course-identity]

What are your thoughts on Jeremy and addiction to drugs? I really enjoy your character interpretations.

oooo, lemme see; here’s some scattered birdbrain seeds:

so i fully admit the reason i go after this angle specifically (similarly to the psychosis one) is because of personal and familial experience. my entire family has been in varying degrees of addiction to the whole chemical spectrum out there, and as such i tend to like to toy with the idea in fandom anyway. but!

depending on the jeremy (will r is more neurotic but Doing Bad Things tm, but will c is more... feral), he’s either shocked about rich’s whole HIIHAVEAMAGICPILLTHATCANFIXALLYOURSHIT schtick, or he’s, like, mildly terrified

but he doesn’t... i mean. he doesn’t go No, not in the albums. he’s a little suspicious on will c’s end i think, but i get the impression from all of them that like...

... it wouldn’t be hard to convince him. he almost certainly smokes weed--THAT ISN’T ME SAYING WEED’S A GATEWAY--with michael, so he’s already cautiously willing to break the law, and isn’t exactly unfamiliar with something that alters his mood.

not just that, but, i mean. if he was willing to drop hard cash on the dream of a pill that had could fix him... if rich was a drug dealer and was like “hey this’ll make you chill the fuck out, gimme 50 bucks”... it’s not a stretch to say he might?

so, knowing that he’d try--that doesn’t prove he’d get addicted. some people don’t have the right genetics or mental illnesses or physical pain for it. they don’t tell you this pretty much anywhere, usually, but a lot of people actually try hard drugs once or twice. only a portion of them turn around and become substance dependent.

so. does jeremy have the right concoction of stress and dna and other life unpleasantries?

yeah. he does. of course he does. look at him. he’s full of anxiety. his mother left him and he’s very clearly taking care of his father. when that’s taken into account, it makes his willingness to jump on a supposed magic pill (hah, literally) quite telling.

for as memey as you could make the idea, be more chill literally does work incredibly well as a drugs metaphor. i’m not subscribing to that view of the story as a whole, but that’s part of why i feel so comfortable about exploring this with the main character himself

(it can also work as a psychosis metaphor too tbqh, but that’s a little more complicated)

of note: this is JUST his time in high school. while you be able to argue “he only gets better from here! :D” in my experience (of which i have a lot) that’s not how it happened. 

this was my same complaint with the DEH ending (that’s not a dig at DEH fans! i just have... complicated, irrelevant feelings about it); chances are, while teenage years might be the most desperate and potentially the most dangerous (super quick to tip into suicidal thoughts), you go through another big mental health crash around 18-21, and, depending on accessibility to GOOD resources, your only options might be your own survival instincts... and the thing about hard drugs? the reason most people relapse? yeah--being drugged up is better than being dead. depression and anxiety kill. your brain needs a break or a boost. heroin or coke or whatever the fuck else can do that for some people.

you add that to a bunch of disorders where you’re basically 75% likely or some shit to develop an addiction annnnnd...

anyway if i go off my normal “jeremy is clinically hypersexual, like, the actual condition” then he basically already one addiction. if he sleeps around, esp if he sucks it up and goes to parties or night clubs, he’ll very quickly learn the euphoria that initially comes with party drugs and being high while having sex and how amazing self-medication can be after years of struggling to breathe through daily panic attacks.

not to mention, psychosis? seems to really encourage drug use. just not the wrong ones (some people with psychosis literally can’t stand so much as the smell of weed it makes them feel so awful and/or angry and/or exceptionally paranoid... sometimes it depends on the strain, tho).

on top of all this: the squip incident is Trauma. i... don’t see it as Trauma-traumatic for anyone but him and rich, but for them, it was a big deal. and whaaaaaat do traumatized people do to cope? yeah, it certainly ain’t pickin daisies.

but. all this to say: jeremy queere has bad coping mechanisms

#bmc #be more chill #jeremy heere #jeremy queere #drug mention #addiction #character addiction #dark fic #meta #not safe for tumblr #nsft #n/sfw #brief s/ex mention #bad coping skills #this probably isn't worded the best in terms of actual addiction activism mind you #but i am very tired and distracted #Anonymous