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sugarcoated-lame · 1 year

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Into The Woods

Joel Miller x Reader drabble

*This is pretty much straight up filth so 18+, minors please do not interact!!! you will be blocked! (:

Summary: You and Joel get some much needed alone time while on a hunt in the woods

or i just needed to get out my thots about Joel fucking you against a tree (:

Warnings: smut, unprotected piv, outdoor sx, just me being absolutely feral for Joel Miller (: <3, takes place after the events of the first game so like a mild spoiler ? at the very beginning if you haven't watched the finale, but otherwise spoiler free

WC: 900

a/n: this is my first attempt at writing for Joel so i'm sorry if it sucks, pls be kind <3

dedicating this to the lovely @sebsxphia for always indulging me and my Joel thots <3

•

It's been a few weeks since permanently settling in Jackson. A reprieve after months spent on the road with Joel, escorting the 14-year-old girl who had become family to you both, across the country. Months spent in close quarters, the three of you just trying to survive.

Even now, in your new home, you and Joel don't get a ton of alone time living with Ellie. There are nights in your shared bedroom of course, but the walls are thin and you're never able to be as loud or uninhibited as either one of you would like to be when you're both busy worrying about waking Ellie who's sleeping in the next room.

Nights where Joel’s thrusts are stilted, hips stuttering against yours, his rough hand covering your mouth to quiet your moans that he oh-so-badly wants to hear. So many nights wishing that you could give in fully to that primal need you feel for one another, the both of you just left wanting more.

It's lots of lingering touches in the daytime, feeling the intense warmth of Joel’s brown eyes burning into you almost at all times as you go about your mundane day-to-day activities. You watching the way his deft fingers gently stroke the strings of the guitar that he’d fixed up and wishing they were stroking you instead. The tension between you thick and palpable, the two of you craving each other immensely.

That tension finally snaps when you and Joel are out in the woods one warm, sunny day, outside of Jackson hunting for food. He's walking behind you, unable to pay much attention to anything but the curve of your ass in your jeans with every step you take through the desolate forest. Joel needs to have you immediately, and his calling your name in that husky Texan accent has you turning to face him in an instant.

He wastes no time lifting you up in his strong arms, dropping both of your guns to the ground—he knows there’s nobody around these woods for miles—and pressing you up against the trunk of the closest tree that stands tall next to you. A small ‘oof’ sounding from you as your back hits the hard wood, your arms moving instinctively to wrap around Joel’s shoulders, legs around his waist and he’s kissing you breathless.

It’s quick and dirty and rough, both of your jeans frantically pulled down just enough for Joel to slip inside of you in one quick thrust, knowing you’re more than wet enough because you’ve been yearning for this just as much as he has. You cry out at the stretch, burying your face in the crook of Joel’s neck as strong hands grip your thighs to hold your body up. Giving you a moment to adjust, his hips keep you pressed tightly to the bark of the tree as he ruts into you.

It’s only a matter of seconds before he’s pounding into you roughly, pulling nearly all the way out, and slamming back into your wet heat with every thrust, his cock hitting that spot inside of you that has you seeing spots in your vision and makes your toes curl. Your breathless whines and whimpers, pleas of ‘harder, Joel’ mingling in the fresh woodsy air with Joel’s deeper grunts that are right next to your ear and going straight to your core.

Joel knows you’re close when your velvety walls begin to clench around him, nearly strangling his length in a vice-like grip as the volume of your quiet cries rises into louder moans. Finally getting to hear you cry out for him the way he’s been wanting you to for so long only spurs on his movements, quickening the pace of his hips and fucking into you harder.

Rough hands grip the soft flesh of your thighs so tight you’re sure they’ll leave bruises. Joel’s lips trail kisses along the skin of your neck as one of his hands moves to bring his fingers to your clit, the calloused pads rubbing tight circles over the sensitive nerves. You cling onto him for dear life, nails digging into the strong muscles of his shoulders and thighs squeezing tighter around his hips.

“Wanna hear you, darlin’. Let go for me. Can be as loud as you want for me out here, baby.”

Joel’s words have you coming around him with a sound that’s a mix between a moan and a scream, your walls clenching impossibly tighter around him and triggering his own high. Joel thrusting one, two, three more times before his hips still against yours, pressed as deep as possible inside of you as he spills into you with a deep, throaty groan.

He fucks the both of you through it, your oversensitive walls still fluttering around him, Joel’s thrusts slowing and only coming to a stop when he’s fully spent.

He keeps you in his hold, head resting on your shoulder as your fingers card through his thick, graying curls. The both of you panting heavily as you come down from your highs, breathless words whispered against your sweat-shining skin.

“Did so good for me, baby girl.”

idk what this was, the Joel thots have taken over my brain like the cordyceps virus and turned me into a feral monster (:

Thank you for reading! x

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princetofbone · 10 months

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i just found out that despite busting my ass to get my summer school done, my school won't even let me take the placement exam to see if I can take the course I need to.

I also didn't get the job I was really excited about which I knew was going to happen but still sucks

I am. so disappointed, and I feel awful and am half into a panic attack and have been all day.

So let's discuss what to do when you are crushed and feel awful and just want to give up on everything because it feels like nothing is going your way

ask yourself if there is anything you can do to resolve the situation. I've emailed pretty much every teacher I know, my counselor, and the head of the math department now it's a waiting game(which sucks)

plan something fun to try and get your mind off of it- I found a concert that is happening tonight and I'm going... I am really stressed about driving at night tho so idk if it is actually that helpful

let yourself cry. put on some calming musing and punch a pillow, scream into it, let yourself be mad that things are not going how you want them to.

talk to someone about it or write a journal entry. I'm already feeling better and I haven't even written my entry yet, I'm just working through this post. It helps rationalize and let the emotions out.

dont blame yourself if it was outside of your control- honestly, dont blame yourself even if it was inside your control because the goal rn is trying to fix the "I'm a terrible person who deserves to die because this didn't work/go to plan/I did something wrong so I hate myself" mentality and sometimes you just gotta ignore your responsibilities

if there is something you can do about the situation, be a karen. call the people who might be able to help and demand that they do what they can. especially if it is outside of your control and you worked your ass off, fight for yourself.

anyways ima go cry into my journal for a bit and see if I can keep finishing my work so I can send in the complete course and see if that will help my councilor deal with this

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rainingstorms1220 · 4 days

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List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers ♡

Oooh uh uh that's difficult. Let's see...

1. My OCs and stories

Literally my only motivation to live. I'm very, very attached to my kids—they are the culmination of my blood, sweat, tears and soul. So anything revolving around them makes me very happy, inspired and motivated. I will do everything for them!! Art, writing, even making games if I can! Merch too! Plushies, accessories, anything and everything. All for them. The thousands of little fictional people, worlds and stories living rent-free in my mentally ill brain.

Bonus happiness points when other people also like my kids and are interested in getting to know them better. Like, if you take the time to approach me and ask questions about them, are willing to sit through hours of me rambling your ears off about characters that spawned from the depths of my hellish critter mind, and also actively want to discuss them with me and tell me all of your thoughts—that is like the ultimate quality to my quality time love language right there. It's the most idealistic, unrealistic, impossible thing ever though, mostly because I have a lot of kids and like. 20+ different stories with several more AUs. To have someone else be able to digest all of that information? No way. But yeah.

Fanart and fanfiction of my kids also make me very happy. I will treasure each and every one of the art pieces/writing dearly. Basically anything related to my kids, I will cry over. I will explode over my kiddos.

2. Various media

As of right now, I'm fixated on Twisted Wonderland (LEONA), Bleach (HITSUGAYA AND HITSUKARIN), One Punch Man (METAL BAT AND BATAROU) and Blue Lock (RYUSAE AND KAISER). Very much waiting in anticipation for the TWST anime, Bleach TYBW Cour 3, OPM Season 3 and Blue Lock Season 2 + Nagi movie. I'm also really invested in the Final Fantasy series (III, IV, VII, IX, XIII, XIV, XV, XVI, Crystal Chronicles EOT and ROF, etc...)! And I'm a casual player of Punishing Gray Raven (very much looking forward to Wuthering Waves by the same company)!

I also like books! Haven't been able to read as much as I'd like to these days, but I have books I've bought that I hope to read soon. Gotta read Six of Crows (yes, Lune, I'll finish it). Have also been wanting to collect Bleach's light novels (CFYOW currently). And TWST's novels and manga too, once they're translated (Savanaclaw manga and novel C'MERE)! Much to look forward to <3 Fanfics of media I like are also really nice to read. When I have more time, I'd like to write for the fandoms I'm in.

Pretty art is nice. Good games are nice. Good stories and wonderful characters are nice. Beautiful writing is nice. I'm very simple haha, as long as the media strikes my fancy, chances are I'll look into it and derive some form of enjoyment from it <3

3. Writing/Drawing

If it wasn't already evident from the above two points, as well as my own profile, I like to write and draw. Very much an arts kid (creativity is another thing that I'm not sure I have, but let's not get into that). I'm not good at speaking, so having visual representations of the things I feel, be it via written words or artwork, is the best way for me to express myself and communicate, I find. And it's also fun! When I'm not preoccupied with other IRL commitments and stuck in creative ruts, that is.

4. Music

I know nothing about music theory or playing instruments. Not a music kid. I just like listening to good music. In particular, I'm a big fan of J-Pop, J-Rock, Rock, Instrumentals, EDM and Dubstep, Gothic-sounding music, and others, depending on whether they strike my fancy or not. Favourite artists/bands include Tatsuya Kitani, Aimer, Mili and ONE OK ROCK. Banger musicians. You're free to drop recommendations too! I'm pretty open to most genres. Though extremely selective with a few others (K-Pop being one of those genres haha oops).

5. Spending time with friends

Pretty clear cut, I think. I don't have a lot of people I'm particularly close to, but I do cherish those I consider my friends a lot. Quality time love language—just spending time with them makes me happy. We don't even have to really be doing anything. I just like having their company, and if they willingly seek me out and want to spend time with me too, that's even better.

And yep, that's all. I can't think of anything else haha. Thank you for the ask, beloved~

#laments of rain #i also like sweets #but that isn't really that important #as you can tell #I'm quite delusional #delulu is the solulu as they say #i have no life so i spawn life within my brain #it's a very funny thing #but i love my work anyway #love my kids #the light of my life fr

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kart0 · 2 months

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Venting about me being stupid tw ed and suicide thoughts

...hey

I feel like I should start this by saying I've been actually pretty well lately ! I am drawing again, I lost weight which was something I really wanted, I think I made new friends, and I've been growing a lot on social media - I love the attention btw

So what do I have to complain now ? Dani doesn't this get tiring ? Uhhh yes but it's my blog so FUCK YOU

Anyways, it's exam season and there's a lot of things to do. And I have to mention I am illiterate I do not read nor am good at writing. I guess it has to do with my anxiety, I have a lot of thoughts. A LOT. That keep playing 24/7, so it's kinda hard to write something coherent.

So, I have this class, ceramic class, and I am terrible at it. Like. Super bad. Everything I do looks so bad it's literally disgusting to look at. Ok so we had this essay to do and I did, proudly, and I finish it on time which made me so happy. And I thought I did pretty well in fact !

Hm. Thought. We got our grade today and I got such a bad grade. Like. Not even half of the grade. And now I can't stop crying and feeling so stupid specially because ! Basically everyone in my class uses Chatgpt and gets away with it. And I swore, on my life, that I would never, NEVER, use AI to do my work. To do nothing, really. I have an ego the size of the universe, and I am extremely proud. It's my dignity on risk. What would my parents think of me ? What would I think of myself ???? I would never do that. Instead I keep writing everything on my own, with references of course. I used to think I'd rather get a low grade instead of using chat fucking gpt.

Well, now that I actually got a low grade I am really really upset, and regretful. Why did I have to be so proud and stupidly arrogant with my abilities. I know I FUCKING KNOW I can't write for shit. I keep thinking about how I should've used AI.

And I feel so shitty I skipped dinner tonight. Because I feel like I should starve and die. I do not deserve food. All I have to feel right now is fucking pain, and be miserable. Because I am failing this class. And I know, rationally speaking, this is super dumb. It's just a class and it's just one essay y'know. And I need to eat. Cuz honestly I'm pretty hungry.

But I keep thinking about what I did, and how I could've done so much better. I feel like such a fool.

Such a fucking fool.

And now my thoughts are spiraling, how I should either dropout of college (again btw) or kill myself ! Damn bro. Chill for a second.

And I have been eating less. Too less in fact. That's how I've been able to lose weight. So eating even less each time feels like a sickly accomplishment somehow. And I keep weighing myself everyday, morning and night. Sometimes 10 times a day. And all I want is for the number to get lower. It's so sick I should stop but I don't know how. And I feel so embarrassed and ashamed, I haven't told anyone about this.

I need to lose more weight, I NEED to lose more weight. Keeps on replay, and I work even harder to not eat. It's a game of being unworthy of basic human needs. I am starving myself to death. I know that.

And now I am punishing myself by not eating anything at all because of a fucking essay. Why do I keep doing this. What am I even trying to achieve with this. I keep feeling sick and nauseated and it's so bad and I keep taking pills for headaches and I just feel so... stupid

But I need to see me getting skinnier. I feel proud. And there was a time when this happened before too, when I was 18-19. I was so skinny back then and I did not eat.

And now it's happening again and I can't remember how I stopped the first time.

I don't want to feel sick all the time. I don't want to keep looking at the scale. I don't want to think I have to deserve food.

I don't want to die.

But I want this to be over. So much. And I know it's not the end of the fucking world but why, why does it feel like this all the time. Why can't I be normal, and have normal thoughts, and behave normally, and just be fucking ok for once.

I was doing so well... How did I end up like this again.

When will this ever stop ?

#me #rant #vent #uhhhhh

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randompony03 · 3 months

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Now to be fair there are some attributes that are yet to be fleshed out. (hell she doesn't even have an official name yet, for the time being her nickname will be Delphine) But besides that I'm happy with her.

Delphine worked for a gang and was generally considered the undertaker of it, taking care of the dirty work her boss had her do without complaint. Her main method of getting rid of the body was to chop em up and bury them, her past time being a florist coming to good use. The flower shop she runs is a front for their organization, smuggling illegal wears between the pots and seeds, keeping a close eye on the illicit products. Delphine is a loyal woman but she has boundereas. Being a believer of the phrase honest gold for honest work makes it a no brainer that she would start complaining when her pay gets cut. Unfortunately there were rumors of there being a snake in their midst, and due to her constant nagging Delphine was buried alive.

Now in hell she awaits her former coworkers and Boss to enact her much (self)deserved revenge… After she's learned the ins and outs of the flaming inferno she's found herself in. Little by little Delphi discovers how her new body works, having been fused with the flowers she was buried under subsequently leading to her being able to manipulate them at will. Neat, she would think if it wasn't for the body they were attached to. Scruff fur mudded with dirt, roots cooling beneath her skin, moving in unison like worms. Moss and fungi cling onto her damp back, emitting spores she can't smell but are oware of due to her changed body structure. Sharp claws replace her fingers, as dangerous they may be there of little effect to a touch screen. Luckily for her the roots make up for the lost thumbs. And it all makes up for the very thing she hates being deceived as, a no good lazy sloth. But there was no time to cry over spilt milk, so she did what she did best and went straight to work.

As time went by Delphines coworkers trickled into hell, one by one, she tricked them. Learning about soul contracts and their capabilities Delphine quickly grew invested. It was perfect, now all she needed to do was to play the waiting game, lure them in and BAM, their souls are hers, but what to do with them? Perhaps she could bring back some familiarity by running a flower shop, in hell. With her former boss and coworkers as the ones doing the dirty work. And from then on she opens up a shop from blood money and a couple of bargains with some shady sharks. Her silver tung came to good use from her old days as a face man.

For a couple of years Delphine was a nobody in the insurable cesspool, but slowly, plants started to grow all over the hell ridden streets, in the cracks on sidewalks, mushrooms on moly buildings. No one thought anything of it, until sinners started disappearing. Whoever found themselves close to the vegetation in either a dazed or buzzed state will wake up days later. Unknown to them they had been fed on by the plant and left to die on the sidewalk. Where and why they did that was unknown… (haven't thought out how Delphine is gonna be revealed to be a miner overlord to the public but lets pretend she did in future writings).

Misc headcanons:

does a lot of diy stuff, from engraving a landscape on a piece of wood to assembling a ship in a bottle.

Delphine straight up just eats demons with her plants, she will no longer be going “hungry” anywhere again.

Due to Delphine's body changing so much for it to host all the plants occupying her body it has changed her whole nervous system, among other things. She can no longer taste, smell nor feel touch the same way others demons would. She's a whole ecosystem so genitalia is worthless to her now so she doesn't have any.

Her lack of emotion on her face plus the flat tone affect makes others think she doesn't care, much to her favor.

When she wants to get on her underlings nerves she plays into the sloth stereotype and does everything slower.

Affectionately calls her employees worker bees, or as affectionate as she can be, and the ones that do her dirty work for hornets (with no affection).

If she stays too long in a different environment her fur changes color, alongside the moss and mushrooms.

Nowadays she's mostly well groomed, unless she's in her greenhouse, which is her apartment essentially (and who can blame her I mean just look at this).

She likes to lounge around in her bronze bathtub or to hang off the ceiling.

Honestly sees her stay in hell like a vacation, finally having the time to do what she couldn't before. She might have lost the senses to enjoy taste, smell and touch but there's other things to enjoy. Not to mention the perks of not feeling pain.

OUGHHHH WOWOW OML

I WAS HONESTLY REALLY INVESTED HOLY SHIT WOWW

AUGHH I LOVE THAT SHE'S GETTING HER REVENGE AND WAS ABLE TO ABSOLUTELY TURN THE TABLES ON HER OLD COLLEAGUES

WHAT YOU HAVE SO FAR IS REALLY WELL WRITTEN BRAVO DUDE

#pony talks #ponys silly ask box

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blogathan · 30 days

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TW: Addiction, HORRIBLE grammar, Tagents into Tagents straight back to the original topic... Just bad writing. Way too long Super TMI journal post. This post is mostly for myself.

I've been struggling with an addiction to delta 8 the legal version of weed in my state for about 3 years. My sister's previous roommate gave me a vape cartridge and the vape for my 28th birthday because I enjoyed smoking weed with their friend group. - I added this after typing half of this post: I'm high right now. And also covered in tears and snot.

Fuck you Libby! Wait... No no. You didn't know I wouldn't be able to stop taking hits because the brain fog from this worse than weed chemical mix would cover my depression (and the rest of my brain...) while mindlessly distracting myself with snacks, porn, video games, and TV shows I had already seen. As soon as I get high the part of my brain that could barely inhibit me from instant gratification is turned off.

I wonder if anyone can relate to that feeling of not being in control. Like there have been times where Id tell myself you can be sober and get your shit together. So id put the disposable vape away in a drawer and then go do something else (although in the same room, I spent a lot of time on my PC which was in my room at the time, but also as right now a lot of time in bed on my phone... I gotta keep my phone out of my bedroom... You guys are gonna see me a lot less. I might delete the app..anyway I'd be on my phone or PC. Holy shit I was addicted to technology as a distraction before the delta 8 (and still am?)) and so after being on my PC or phone I honestly vividly remember I didn't have a thought. Like... I am looking at my screen and then all of a sudden I blink and I'm standing there blowing out smoke. Some of it seems to be lack of mindfulness, but my mind definitely works different than most as I have ADHD inattentive type, a reading and writing learning disability. I haven't been diagnosed, but I'm confident that I am autistic as well... And all of these I learned at 17 (and 11 months) so I was kinda already an "adult" already or so I thought and also legally (but at the same time.. Ive been developing slower... Ugh I hate thinking about little me who needed help and didn't know it 😭😭) when I learned I was different. And other than giving me meds they literally gave me no help to change any of my ways of thinking or even explained what ADHD was. I didn't look it up to understand iteven though I had it until last year. And it also just derailed this story lol one of the ways these things affect me are my lack of ability to control and process emotions.

I have so much emotion I haven't processed. My only memories of crying pre-25 years old was getting spanked as a kid, when I couldn't focus and do my homework. Omg there was this writing assignment in the 4th grade. I was supposed to write a one page paper on something. I got the piece of paper out. I write my name in the upper corner. I stare at the paper. I need an opening sentence. And then my mind is blank. But not just blank for a second. Actually I have no idea how long I stared at that blank page. It felt like somewhere between 5 minutes and an hour. I've never been good with feeling time pass. Anyway blank mind and this expectation that I need to write the paper. I'm supposed to write this paper and I can't think of anything... frustration growsAnd then I cried myself to sleep on top of the blank piece of paper. I couldn't get myself to do homework for the rest of the school year.. and then I started begging to stay home when projects I couldn't get myself to do were due. I started hiding under the bed after my mom woke me up so they couldn't force me to go to school. Oh wait 4th grade. I was still leaving giant skid marks in my underwear and a number of incidents that were way worse... Oh man I'm remembering more crying from being embarrassed people could smell me.. oh 8 year old Jon it's not your fault you didn't know you needed to take off your pants completely and spread your legs wider to poop. So you would push and push so hard your diaphragm would close your lungs and you couldn't breathe. And you'd choke yourself trying to poop. But couldn't. So then 5 days of no poop later a droplet would fall down your leg. Y'all may be wondering why I'm writing all of this and it's cause I've never told anyone. I've never processed this. I'm in tears I've been writing and rereading for an hour. Like when I started listing times I remember crying before 25 I had a short list spankings as a kid and my two grandfathers funerals. I kinda blocked out the embarrassment and crying I felt when people could smell me.

Okay so I got off topic because this is a diary entry and that's how I think.

So tonight my parents were watching a Chris Farley documentary and I watched the last half of it with them. If you don't know him he was on SNL from 1990-1995. Hilarious guy who couldn't control his addictions.

And then my mom and I are talking after the documentary and she starts telling me about my brother's battle with addiction. And I'm staring at her high. She says "he was high around us for 6 years and we didn't notice" and I'm high. And I've been trying to become sober. In the past year I've had 4 times where I was sober for 20-40 day spurts. But for some reason I've never been able to open up to my parents about anything. It's like... I don't trust them. Like I trust what they say. Omg it's not trust. It's safety. I've never felt safe to be vulnerable with them. My gut is saying they always just talked about being a Christian and making good grades. And I've struggled with both(okay at this point religion is not a struggle, I am confident I'm atheist).... So she's giving me the perfect opening to tell her I need help and I just keep listening. My brother was living with 3 other guys and he'd been addicted to weed, and opiates when my brother was in highschool so by then he was doing heroin and everything else. And one day him and his friends are using and someone comes to buy some from one on them. And as that transaction is happening in the doorway they can see my brother. His face is blue. Hed overdosed. But the buyer had a friend with him and that friend saw my brother and he had a can of narcan(idk what exactly my mom said but that's what I heard) They injected into his groin. He didn't wake up. They threw a glass a water on him and he woke up.

A week later one of my brothers roommates ODs. This time they don't have anything. My brother who didn't own a phone yells someone call 911. But no one wanted to. They had lots of drugs and didn't know of the good Samaritan law. My brother goes out of the apartment and finds someone to call 911. The firemen arrive and can't save him. The ambulance arrives and they save him. His other roommates laugh afterwards and say that was you last week. He knows he's gonna die if he stays there. But he accidentally got too deep. His drug dealer/roommate offered him a deal: drive him to his drug dealer and then he'll give my brother free drugs. But now he knows a supplier and they aren't gonna let him just move out or leave. So he pretends he is gonna do laundry and gathers his things into a laundry bag and then runs away calling my dad and demanding my dad come pick him up and take him to a detox center. They send him to a Christian rehab (this was rehab #3) and my brother got saved and works for that organization at their church college campus.

I know I'm just addicted to delta 8 and it doesn't kill me it just numbs me to life and lowers my inhibition so it's not the same.. but idk after hearing what my own brother went through.. I gotta face my emotions. I gotta get past this addiction. And then find some kind of motivation or something to push me to get a job. Because I can't stay in this house all day and never interact with people. I feel like I understand some of myself more but.. does the depression go away? Or.. how do I learn how to correctly live while sober? Like how to not let my emotions control me but also I've never had structure... Okay enough introspection. Kinda hope someone reads this and understands me and gives me advice. Also kinda hoping this was too long and scared off most people..

#blogathan lore #venting #addiction #i cant tell if im hiding behind this ADHD/Depression/learning disability/autism or if im actually doing well for someone who has them

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i-like-yoongi-a-latte · 1 year

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The year is coming to its end so it's time for my silly little love letter post 💕 I hope this year has been good for you, or if it wasn't, I'm sending hugs bc same, but hey we made it through! I hope next year brings you kindness, good energy, rest and overall happiness 🥰

Happy New Year lovelies!!

These are not in any order, you're all very important to my tumblr experience <3

♥ @taetaestykookie Marrissa my new bestie to yell about BTS with!!! I love following your bias crisis and making your friends/family members become fans! Even though you live far away and timezones suck I'm so happy to be able to randomly send you stuff in like three different apps all about the same thing... I wish cute Tata/Cooky stuff finds their way to you! Thank you for being my friend, I appreciate you 💝

♥ @washyourdamnhands Kinga, the person who's like a warm comforting hug! Always sending me nice videos and making me smile, I adore you 💕

♥ @asgh0sts Danny, I loooove seeing Exo on my dash and that's because of you, also seeing old Shinee photos makes me cry (but in a good way you know). You also gave me good advice once and I felt so happy!! I've also been thinking about Valentine's Day cards already, and I've been meaning to ask you if you want to receive one from me, so let's say this acts like a question for you and a reminder for me hehe. Thank you for being my friend!! 🧡

♥ @danhalen A person who makes me smile, Reny! The thought of you makes me warm and giggly, I really love to send cards to you (I hope the card that's on its way comes home to you safely!!) and I really appreciate you for being my friend!! 💘

♥ @sepastian-ahoey the Sepe to my Teukka, or should I say a demon for making me get new interests.......... I'm feeling like I'll be following the F1 more next year... We also have a Max document date already planned so I'm waiting for that!!! Thank you for being my friend and tolerating all the rants about kpop that you don't know anything about but still kinda do, I promise to listen to your rants in the future too 💞

♥ @firefighter-diaz oh the broken blorbos.... The reason why I listened to Taylor's new album is this person right here!!!! Also I adore you, sending me postcards from cool places and all 🥺 also helping me with my silly questions and making me feel happier and also making me feel like my jokes are funny! remember hun, coaches don't play!! and!!! I will always listen if you have something on your mind ❣️

♥ @chanstopher Dreamy!! The reason I became even more obsessed with Chris's nose!!! As a nose enthusiast™ this was very nice. I could probably write essays about your talents, but like even if we don't talk much here, I really really really appreciate you. You're so kind and lovely, your art is amazing, you make gifs super fast and they're so pretty every time, and when you show the original coloring vs yours I'm always like h o w. Also I'm still giggling about your kind comment to my Leebit <3333 annnd I love to read your little posts about Chan's room when I can't watch it myself! and I also remember saying I'd show you my paintings but I haven't painted - I drew a horse though - but I'll try to remember it when I paint hehe. I wish all the best for you, may Chris bless us you with cute selfies that show his adorable nose 🥰

♥ @ambivartence Siyuan, the lovely person with who I can have fun ask game answers with! How do I even start. Every time I see your art I smile along the wiggly lines, I try to find little hearts and when I do I feel so warm!! Your art is so warm, I can't explain. Also your Seonghwa and Hongjoong live rent-free in my head, and it's also one reason I should get into Ateez more! You're so kind and lovely and I love to read your tags on posts!! I adore you 💝

♥ next I wanna say thanks to the gc, @fangirlinglikealoon & @heiskasmiro, you make me smile so much you have no idea!! No matter what app we're using to communicate, it always feels so nice to see your names appear in my notifications! I appreciate you so much, just know that 💘💘

annnnd here are some other lovely people that make me smile just by seeing their urls <33

♥ @reedskz ♥ @suklaakuppikakku ♥ @trashkingdom ♥ @joel-farabee ♥ @juhollamago ♥ @diazactually ♥ @yjbg ♥ @finnishhockeyelf ♥ @lily-blue-blue-lily ♥ @bortuzzzzin ♥ @thewestishharpooners ♥ @thosedaysthatwill ♥

#i'm posting this a bit early so i won't forget #anyways hope the next year treats you kindly <33 #i hope i didn't forget anyone but if you don't see your url here i promise you i appreciate you too #elena rambles #these people made my 2022 #friends #gc 💕#the sepe to my teukka #i need a tag for elisa #i need a tag for arah #virve🌸#ellu🍒#kinga💕#💓

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dreamerdoesthewritething · 1 year

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[This has nothing to do with my other Leon x Reader works. I just need something comforting rn. And I'm writing in first person. Because it might as well be a self-insert hahaha... :') ]

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Please, Just Hold Me

I miss him.

He has a very important job, which takes him away from me so often. Not his fault. Not his choice. He got dealt a shit hand in life and does the best he can with what he has. I shouldn't complain. I haven't suffered nearly as much. He's suffered so much and yet he's able to keep going without doubting his every move.

I wish I could be more like him and less like me.

Honestly, I don't deserve him. I'm grateful for him choosing me, for his love, for his lowered standards letting me be his one and only. A man as great and perfect as him settling for a woman as painfully underwhelming as me...I don't understand it, but it's the one good thing I got going for me.

Nothing's happened. Nothing in particular. Yet today feels...hard. Harder than it has been. I hardly want to get out of bed, even though I barely do anything once I'm up. I need to shower, but I somehow lack the energy and mental motivation to pick out some clothes and stand under the hot water. It's not easy to explain why I'm like this. All I know is I've been unwell for most of my life. At least since fifth grade, though officially diagnosed at thirteen. But it's all in my head. All in my head and affecting every other aspect of my life.

Damn, I could really use something right now.

No, not something. Someone.

But he's not here. He's gone away on a mission for the people. He can't tell me much about it, but he promised to come home safe to me as soon as he can. I hope that's sooner rather than later. I hope he returns in one piece, safe and sound. Not just for me, but for him. More for him than me. He doesn't belong to me, after all.

I do belong to him, though. He doesn't claim I do, but I do.

I've never been more at home than I am with him. You see, people try to say home is a place, a building, where you live. It's not. Or, it's not only where you live. It's where you belong. A feeling, not simply tethered to some inanimate shelter or objects. People make a home just as well.

And he is my home.

I think he's still looking for his, however. I wish I could be his. But I don't feel I'm good enough to be more than a paperweight in the office of his home. Or an old, forgotten, dusty bookend on a shelf in that very same office. Just being able to be in the same space as him is enough for me...usually.

Not today, though. Even if we were in the same room, I'd need more. I'd need him to be closer in the same space, as in right up against me, right up against me until we're almost one and the same. Not in a sexy way. In a "I'm a touch-starved loser who needs physical comfort" way. Maybe later in a sexy way, if I'm feeling less gross and still need some kind of release.

But first, I need him here.

I'll stare at the ceiling, roll onto my side, cuddle up to my old blue whale stuffed animal that's a bit ratty but has been in my life for longer than my love, close my eyes, pretend I'm actually where I belong. In his arms, in deep slumber, or even dead. Not sure which yet. It'll happen when it happens, and then I'll know the answer. I won't cry. It takes a lot in real life to bring on the waterworks. Fiction and stressful video games have a slightly easier time. They know how to tug on the heartstrings and wash away the levies holding back the rivers without much trouble, because the minds behind them are trained to create such masterful work with little trouble.

There's sound from the front door. A key in the lock. A twist of the knob. It opens and closes quietly. The door is locked again. Footfalls approach our room. Another closed and locked door. I'll have to get up to change that. Let him in. Let him come.

It's so hard pushing myself to stand up from the bed, though if someone saw it, they wouldn't think so. They would just assume I'm lazy, I'm sure. Maybe I am. I turn the lock and twist the knob and push. There he stands. My home, in all his handsome glory.

He looks how I feel. Shitty. I've never been more attracted to him. I think that every time I see him, to be honest. Falling even more in love, I guess some might say. He gently touches my face with one of his big hands. There's no smile on his lips, but the warmth in his blue eyes proves he's more than happy to see me again. My heart flutters.

Why couldn't I look better for him? I haven't showered in two days. I probably stink, and if he stays close enough to get a whiff, he might find me too repulsive to touch. As I start to pull away, his other hand raises up to touch the other side of my face, and I cannot bring myself to move away anymore. He makes me look at him, as if to say, "Look, I'm dirty, too. It's okay." But it's different. I'm gross because of dumb mental issues. He's filthy because of being a hero. I'm not reassured, despite his efforts. He knows this.

He guides me back to the bed. I'm to sit here until he comes back, he says, and then he heads into the adjoining master bathroom. I hear running water shortly after he disappears. A bath? But there's no way I can fit in our tub with him. I'm fat and he's muscles. I'm too broad and wide for it to be comfortable for either of us. Yet I remain silent. He might just be running it for himself. He most certainly deserves a bit of rest after whatever he's been through. It's selfish of me to assume he means for us both to be in there at the same time.

When he returns, he takes me by the hands and leads me into the bathroom. He strips down to nothing with ease. I don't make a move. Why would he want to see me naked when he just got here? The lights are on. It's the middle of the day. We only make love in the dark because of me. He sees me covering myself with my arms despite still being dressed and gives me a little smile. If I'm not going to strip myself, he says, then he'll have to do it for me.

I'm red and still covering myself by the time he removes the last bit of clothing from me. My eyes are firmly shut so I don't have to see his reaction to my rolls, my stretch marks, my hideous body. He takes my hand and leads me to the tub, climbing in first and then tugging me in afterwards. He made sure to add bubbles. I guess it's to help me feel more comfortable. He has me practically on his lap, my head against his shoulder and just out of the way of his gorgeous face.

"Missed you," he whispers into my ear.

"Missed you more," I say.

"Rough day?"

I shrug. "Not...Not really. Just..."

"A bad day, then."

"Yeah."

He softly kisses my neck. Goosebumps rise in the wake of his lips. "Want to talk about it?"

"N-No...There's nothing to talk about. It's just one of those days, you know...?" I can't explain what's wrong with me. I don't know, aside from the broad explanation of, "Depression and anxiety are a bitch."

"What do you need me to do?"

I sigh, laying my back against him while being careful not to crush anything with my heavy weight. "Please, just hold me. Hold me and don't let go."

Those wonderfully strong arms of his wrap around me, pulling me as close to him as possible and as tightly as possible without hurting me. I lean my head back, letting him rest his chin against my neck. His warmth, the warmth of the water, and the warmth of his love begin to help me relax. He feels tense, too, and I realize I've yet to ask him about his day. I haven't asked him anything. How selfish.

"Stop that," he murmurs into my throat. Before I can ask for clarification, he says, "Stop thinking what you're thinking. We've got plenty of time, babe. There's no rush to do anything. Calm down. Relax."

"What about you?" I ask.

"I'm...working on it," he says rather sheepishly. He's always had a bit of trouble winding down after being forced to do life-threatening missions, so this isn't anything new. He nuzzles my neck. "You relaxing will help me relax. So don't worry your pretty little head about me, okay?"

I sigh. "I'll try, but I make no promises."

I feel him smile against my skin. "That's all I ever want...for you to try."

Fuck, I really don't deserve this man. He's so perfect and amazing and understanding...How did I ever get this lucky?

When a man as attractive as Leon S. Kennedy approaches you, you don't turn him away. You listen, you nod, you try your hardest not to make a fool of yourself. You somehow endear yourself to him. You don't regret choosing to leave your house that day, one of the rare times you ever get out. He asks for your number. You reluctantly tell him you don't own a cellphone and you're terrible with talking on phones, anyway. He compromises, unwilling to let this be the first and last time you communicate, giving you his home address. You can't stop smiling every time you look at that slip of paper, even if your parents and siblings won't stop teasing you for it.

A random encounter led to an exchange of addresses, an exchange of letters, an exchange of hearts. The biggest change of my life, all from one little meeting.

Eventually, he and I make proper use of the bath, washing ourselves and helping the other with the hard to reach places. His broad back, so firm and well-shaped, feels great under the washcloth as I use it to clean him. I can't stop myself from running my hands all over, making him chuckle. He loves when I touch him, regardless of the intention. My back isn't anywhere near as wonderful, but he won't let me refuse his assistance here, either.

I wash his hair, massaging his scalp in the process. God, he just melts, a few pretty little sounds escaping his perfect lips. A smile creeps onto my face, the biggest and most genuine I've had in what feels like forever. He looks up at me...Fuck, I can't describe what this angelic face does to me. It's incredible. He tilts his head up and captures my mouth with his. It's a bit awkward because it's like we're Spider-Man kissing due to how our heads are, but I don't mind.

After he returns the favor by washing my hair, we go back to the bedroom and get dressed in our nightclothes. In the absence of the hot water and silly bubbles, my mood starts to dip again. He knows this. In a blink, his arms are around me as he lifts me off my feet, effortlessly holding me bridal-style despite how much I weigh. A little yelp escapes me, which I try to stifle with my hand. He just grins, apologizing for surprising me, as he puts me on our bed and tucks me in. The fan is turned on--I have issues with heat and the sound is somewhat soothing--before he joins me, lying down so we're facing one another.

"Don't forget this little guy," he says, reaching behind me to grab my blue whale stuffed animal and offer it to me.

I shake my head. "I don't need Lurker now that I have you, Leon."

He holds the whale with one of his arms, extending the other to me. "I don't want him getting jealous. I owe him a lot. He takes good care of you while I'm gone, after all."

"You're such a dork."

I slide forward, letting the whale get crushed between our two bodies as we embrace. My head finds its place on his chest and his rests on top of mine. Legs entangle. We get comfortable...as comfortable as we can, given we're tightly holding onto each other. I feel so, so safe. So loved. So...

Well, not happy, exactly. Mental illness doesn't disappear just because Leon is with me. I was depressed and anxious long before he came into my life, and I'll be depressed and anxious no matter what. He doesn't expect me to recover just because he's a part of my life. I don't expect him to recover from his mental problems, either. We can only be here for each other, to offer comfort and love and ourselves.

"I love you, sweetheart. Never forget that," he says.

"i love you, too."

#dreamer writes #resident evil #leon kennedy x self-insert #leon kennedy #leon scott kennedy #leon s. kennedy #comfort

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lakemichigans · 6 months

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howdy hey, i was wondering what your thoughts on the new hunger games movie were? you made a post saying you were gonna see it, so idk if im too early and you havent yet, but was curious your thoughts on it :)

i really really liked it!!! i just got back from seeing it with my friends and we all agreed it was better than both mockingjay movies in our opinions! i hadn't read the book yet (i know i know i'm kicking myself too) so i was really worried they were going to try to portray snow as the type of person who had good intentions but was corrupted by the system, which would have been aggravating to watch considering the sheer number of children snow will murder throughout his life. i wouldn't have been able to enjoy myself if i knew they were trying to make me feel sorry for snow. instead, they make it clear that he always had his own interests in mind, and although he's fully capable of love, loyalty, and morality (and occasionally does act with those characteristics in mind), he chose to follow a darker path. i absolutely love that writing decision!

when my friend and i realized that snow and lucy gray were flirting we turned to each other and said "are they seriously doing this??" but i was soooo impressed with how they handled the romance and especially with where their relationship was when the movie ended. i mean, i really should have had faith because suzanne collins has never let me down in the "nuanced and uniquely fucked up romance" category before 😌 i honestly think part three (after the arena) was my favorite even though the vibe shifts so harshly it almost feels like it becomes a psychological thriller. i'm just so so relieved they were able to show the inherent humanity in snow WITHOUT being like "see? both sides are bad! all people can be monsters given the right circumstances! the genocidal maniac feels bad about his actions, but what could he have done to stop it? :(" you know what i mean? the narrative allows you to feel snow's emotions without ever using them as an excuse. most of the time his feelings are not even a reasoning for his actions – even when he feels bad about something he's done, he makes no attempt to change. in fact he seems to accept that he's gone too far, so it'll be easier to bury his emotions down deep so he can do even worse shit without feeling bad about it. god it was just so INTERESTING

from a technical standpoint it was less impressive tbh, the cinematography was nothing special (not ugly, just okay). lucy gray's actress was good but she really shined in the subtle facial expressions (such as her growing distrust for snow) and when she was performing on stage, but not so much in emotional outbursts. snow's actor was the opposite, he reallyyy shined during high emotion.

i'm not entirely sure how i feel about viola davis' or peter dinklage's characters. we've seen how superficial, ableist, and classist the capitol is, so i find it odd that two of the most powerful people are visibly disabled. it just doesn't track with who the capitol is. but then again, it also seems that in the early days of the capitol, everything is MUCH less flashy and ostentatious; people are still stuck up and classist, but it's a far cry from the absolute spectacle that the capitol and the games would become 60 years later. compare tigris in this movie to who she becomes later and the shifting culture becomes super obvious:

so if they were trying to show that the people in the capitol used to treat disabled people as equals but no longer do, as a sign of their decreasing sense of humanity and community, then i think it was effective. but i'm not sure if that was the intention, i'll have to look into it more

ANYWAY IT WAS REALLY GOOD!!! i wrote all of this as soon as i got home so i haven't had time to sit with it or anything. i'll post more if i think of anything else!

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inkstaindusk · 1 year

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AITA WIP Game

@lizhly-writes tagged me in this *checks notes* a month ago! Whoops! Thank you for the tag! This is a super fun idea, I just. forgot. And then I couldn't figure out which wip to use and how to actually write this without it getting longwinded or just not at all what actually happens in the story

Rules: Introduce your WIP in the style of a r/AmItheAsshole inquiry

Tagging: @oh-no-another-idea @indy-gray and uhhh whoever else wants to do this?? (I need to start finding more people to tag)

AITA for not telling my friends about my second job?

I (17M) work two jobs. One is a pretty normal retail job and the other is something like a security job. See, I'm part of this sports community, super exclusive, you gotta be invited to attend and you shouldn't talk about it to other people, that sorta thing. It means a lot to me so when I found out the guy who invited me worked behind the scenes, I decided I wanted to do the same. Before you ask why they hired a teenager, I basically annoyed the boss into hiring me and then I got a ton of training even though he sticks me in the back to watch the cameras half the time, plus everyone watches out for each other. I have a pretty flexible schedule too so it's a great deal, I love it there. Anyway, these last few months, I made some new friends in the community. Up until now all my friends in the community also worked there, so I've never had to hide my job from them. (The reason for the secrecy is because we have access to a lot of information and we don't want anyone harassing us for it, especially since many of us attend the gatherings as normal members) I didn't really think keeping the secret was a big deal since my job was never really important to anything we did together, but recently, some stuff happened. The owner of the place aka my boss's boss (mid20s?M) who usually doesn't attend these gatherings started being a creepy asshole to my friends. To make a long story short, I challenged him over it, got my ass beat, and learned my lesson on avoiding dangerous older men. (This didn't effect my job because the guy doesn't know anything about the people he employs and leaves it to my boss, who won't say anything if he doesn't ask) So after all that happened, the guy didn't stop showing up to creep on one of my friends in particular. I avoided him as best I could and told my friend to be careful (he didn't really listen) and I also asked my boss (25?M) to please do something before anyone else got hurt. I'm not exactly close to him, but I talk to him more than most of my coworkers and he seemed to like me so I thought maybe he would listen. He told me he was trying and I believed him, but then a little while ago, the owner put one of my friends in the hospital. I tried messaging my boss but he didn't answer, even though he definitely read it, so next time I saw him, I confronted him. In public. Where all my friends all happened to see. After that, I had to come clean about who he was and why I thought he might be able to do something. I told them about my job and that sometimes when I say I'm too busy to attend gatherings I'm actually just somewhere else in the area making sure everything is running smoothly, and that I've been trying to get my boss to do something about the owner before more people got hurt. They all got pretty upset. They said they weren't mad at me but I'm not so sure. One of them who's a few years younger than me started yelling and crying and one of my older friends said that I should have come to them about this sooner, so it seemed like it was because of me. I still don't think keeping my job a secret was that big a deal. Like, if it weren't for the owner, there wouldn't have been any issues anyway. I kinda feel guilty though just because of how upset my friends were when I told them. They still are I think, I haven't seen much of the older guys in a while, but none of the others have brought it up again. Was I in the wrong for not telling them about my job earlier?

#the comments section: bro they're not mad at you they're mad at your shitty boss wtf????#anyway yeah it's the capman reki au #writeblr #tag game #writing rambling #talks about skoo #sk8 #does this instead of any of the wip asks or actual work im supposed to be doing #au: capman reki

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optimistredsox · 7 months

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1 Oct, BOS @ BAL, 6-1, win

Bit late, eh? Yeah, it turns out I needed longer to recover from the Tim Wakefield news than I realised. And, truth be told, I still haven't recovered from it. It sucked all desire to write about this weird season as a whole. To pick out points of interest and excitement from a year that occasionally had promise but failed to live up to that promise. A team I nicknamed the Scrappy Rollercoasters before the injury-plagued rotation sucked out their scrap and the Rollercoaster never really stopped plummeting, especially after the departure of Chaim Bloom. How can I dwell on all that shit when all of the sudden Tim Wakefield isn't there anymore? I must've read every tribute and obit. I haven't been able to put the movie "Knuckleball" on because I'm worried it'll make me cry too much. Chad Finn at the Globe, as usual, wrote a brilliant piece imploring the Red Sox to retire Wake's number. I cast my mind back remembered his strong start in his last season whilst he was chasing his 200th win, only to stumble on the cusp. I remember how awesome it was when that knuckleball was 'on' - how fast he worked and how efficient he was. How he looked like a sad puppy when it didn't work, because there really wasn't anything he could do about it. It's a pitch from another era. That it exists in the modern world is a marvel and that such a nice and kind man wielded it as, more often than not, a tool for victory was a delight. I didn't believe the news when I first saw it. I didn't even know he was sick. I missed that bombshell coming out. It was harvest and I was making wine. Would it have made any difference if I'd had that day's notice? Or would it be worse, to have barely processed the news he was sick to then have to deal with the news he'd succumbed to that sickness and died? I've lost quite a few people over the last few years. I find it easier to articulate those feelings with regards to a kind baseball player I never met than with those that are gone that I knew.

Anyway. 2023 Red Sox. They won their last game of the year, which is great. That they "did it for Wake" feels a little weird but whatever worked for them. As much as the question is on who runs the Red Sox front office next year, I feel the real question is whether the ownership works out what they want from the team next year. They don't behave like an ownership terribly keen on continuing to own a baseball team. Which is frustrating because they have a manager who did everything in his power to get them through those tough spots this season. Cora does not get enough credit. The fact that he has detractors at all is proof that most Boston sports fans just want the world to burn rather than any actual success. But where do they go from here? Another losing season isn't on the cards. This ownership quite famously turns it around after, at most, two losing seasons. How they do it this time is anyone's guess.

Bright sides?

This team fought a lot this year. And the rookies like Jarren Duran (on loan from the Arakis Professional League) and Tristan Casas provided a great deal of fun.

Ugh thinking about Wake again. Might pipe up later once we know who's running the club. Until then, enjoy the playoffs and let's hope for a better 2024.

#boston red sox #red sox #boston

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cowthropologist · 1 year

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Suicide cw

I've been lying to everyone. The thing is I'm still suicidal. 2 months in the hospital, all this ECT, and I just want to die. I'm feeling a bit less bad than I was before I went in, but not much. I'm exhausted. The prospect of going back to work is just hanging over me. I can't do it. I know I won't be able to do it. And the holiday was so tiring. We went over to my uncle's and every time I go over there I get so upset. I feel so tremendously guilty because my uncle has done so much for me and I just don't know how to properly thank him and I feel like I haven't, it feels like this huge failure on my part and I don't know how to handle it. I can barely keep it together when I have to face up to it. Just thinking about it makes me cry. I'm crying right now just writing about it.

I'm worn out, you guys. Did you know my credit is just ruined? I've been so horribly depressed for years now, I just don't pay a lot of my bills. The ones I don't need to pay immediately, I tend not to, and they all go to collections. I'm supposed to move back home, move in with my dad, and buy a car with no credit. He lives in the suburbs... I can't go back there without a car. I don't know how to do this. I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid, so I'm doing what I always do, and curling in on myself and trying to hide. I want it all to go away. I want to not exist. I can't do this. I can't face up to it. I'm not strong enough, I'm not good enough. I need to work, I need to move halfway down the coast, I need to buy a car - the whole prospect of working full time is just an impossibility. I can't do it. And I don't know how to say this to anyone without having a total meltdown.

I feel like I need to just accept the meltdown and say it all anyway. I don't like crying in front of people but I've been trying to be honest. I was feeling so much better than this back in the hospital, because back in the hospital all these things were farther removed. It was all just... I didn't have to worry about it yet while I was in there. But now I'm back home and I do have to worry about it now. After a certain point I'm going to run out of medical treatment to receive and I'm going to wind up either back at work or unemployed. Both of those options are extremely unappealing.

Honestly I'd rather just lose the job. I'd rather have no money coming in than try to go back, because they'll just end up firing me in the end. I went into the hospital because I couldn't work. I'm out of the hospital now, and I still can't work. I just don't have the energy or the focus. I'm worn out. I haven't even done anything and I'm worn out. Just thinking about working is peeling me apart. I don't know how to handle this. I don't know what to do! Is there a course of action open to me besides quitting my job? I can't see one right now. Unless I magically get better in the next few weeks (dubious) I'm in real trouble.

There's just... there's no joy in my life. There's nothing to look forward to. There's nothing I hope for, nothing I want. Most people don't like me. Most people wouldn't miss me. I want to be happy, I want to have fun for more than the few hours it takes me to play through a new video game. I want to feel like I fit in and like I belong with other people, like they're enjoying my company instead of just tolerating me or being polite. I'm so completely cut off from the world and I always have been, my whole life I've felt like I was different from everyone else, I've felt so isolated. Disliked. Put up with. I can't have my life be like this forever. I can't face it. I can't go on with it. I can't. I cannot express to you the despair I feel when I think about living for another sixty years this way. I have contributed nothing meaningful to the world. Nobody will miss me. I should just die and get it over with. At least if I was dead the pain would stop.

I'm not even asking for anything making this post. Go ahead and ignore it. I just have to put it somewhere. I'm trying to be honest with my doctors and stuff and I've mostly been failing and I just feel like I need to write down how I'm feeling and put it into words so that I have it somewhere articulated and maybe that'll make it stick. Maybe that'll be a little easier to tell people, if I've written it down beforehand. I don't know. Maybe this is all just a cry for help or whatever. I don't care. I feel so, so terrible, you guys. I want to collapse. I want all of this to be over.

#suicide cw #mar vs brian

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threewaywithdelusion · 10 months

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For the fanfic writer ask game: ❤, 🌻, and 📗!

What is your favorite line you've written in a fic?

I am entirely indecisive and this got way too long, but I had a fun time looking through my fics for lines I liked, so thank you for asking:

"Adam Parrish is every dream that Ronan has ever dreamt, and half of the nightmares too." (In Another Life - The Raven Cycle)

"For Jamie, who loved Matthew even though Matthew had been nothing more than a ghost for years. For Cordelia, who he loved in the only way he knew how — with so much guilt mixed in that the love was almost unpalatable." (My Sister's Keeper - The Shadowhunter Chronicles)

"But she looks nervous, watching Steve like she isn’t quite sure she trusts him. Like after all they’ve been through — after Russians and monsters from another dimension — what scares her is being a girl, wanted by a boy." (Unpublished Tumblr ficlet - Stranger Things)

To her, he would never be anything more than a memory. To her child, he would never be anything more than a story about a long-dead stranger. (I Would've Liked To Know You - Stranger Things, unfinished fic)

"Flint helps Miranda into bed and climbs in beside her, holding her while she breaks apart. He doesn’t cry and he doesn’t sleep. He stares into the darkness. His heart is cut open, rent apart and bleeding, unfixable. He lets some of the darkness crawl inside." (A Little Piece of Him is In a Little Piece of Me - Black Sails)

How often do you read your own fics?

Pretty often! I usually write something I want to read (that I haven't seen anyone write yet) so being able to read a fic about a particular ship/event/character/etc is a big motivation for me to finish my fics.

Do you want to write something outside of fanfiction? If so, what about?

At the moment, I don't have an idea for anything outside of fanfic (and definitely no time to write it). But I've worked on novels before (and even finished a rough draft of one). What I'm writing about changes depending on the genre I'm reading at the moment.

#asked and answered

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karizard-ao3 · 11 months

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My son (9) read Assassination Classroom recently. I read only the first few chapters and couldn't get into it, but he was enthralled. He hates handwriting anything because he still struggles with penmanship, but he was so excited about the series that he would laboriously copy down character stats onto a notepad. The ending made him cry. I was sitting next to him on the couch, working on a wip or maybe playing a game, when he said, in a trembling voice, "Mom?"

I looked over at him. Tears were pouring down his face. "[spoilers]," he said. "I want to stop reading. I'm so sad."

But he couldn't stop reading so he kept going and he kept crying. And he was still thinking about it days later.

I didn't think much about it at the time, because at this point, I've been deeply affected by so many pieces of media that I take it for granted. I cried at the end of the new Pixar short, Carl's Date, right there in the middle of the theater. I was a broken zombie for days after the end of Attack on Titan. My brother finished Attack on Titan and had to go lie down for a while before we could talk about it.

But, this morning, I found one of the note pages where my child had so enthusiastically copied out a character's details, and, left with a moment to think because he's away at his dad's for a month, I realized that this is maybe the first time he's become really invested in media. Like, he's had favorite shows and whatnot before, but I don't think he's ever let himself become so fully immersed in a story before. And I started thinking, what a beautiful and human experience it is to lose yourself in something that another human being has created, to have it find something inside you that connects you to it in such a deep and profound way that it makes you feel visceral joy and sorrow, that you want to talk about it and think about it and wrap yourself up in it. How lovely that a work does not have to be high brow or genius (in general, I haven't read Assassination Classroom to make that call for it) to get you in its grip and light you up. What a joy of being alive.

Bringing this back around to fanfiction, this reminds me of something else I've thought before. Being a fan of post-apocalyptic dystopias to begin with, and with the news over the past few years being the way it has been, I've thought a lot about society collapsing, and the future anthropologists (if there are any left) who will study our society. And imagine if all they have left of us is a remnant of the internet (I'm not a computer person. I do not know if this is even possible) where they find AO3, a digital library of tributes to original works. The original works themselves are gone, or lost behind a paywall, but the fanfiction is there, and the future anthropologists and historians and digital archaeologists (I made that up, as far as I know, but why not?) base all their understanding of how we engaged with and created stories based on our fan writing. What would they infer about us and Attack on Titan based on studying our Eremika fics? Would they read our "ancient classics" and be consumed by the characters like we were? Will they write essays about the many faces of Eren (is he a fuckboy or a simp? A toxic daddy or a pathetic goofball?)? Will they speculate about whether Eremika or Jeankasa is the true pairing? What can our portrayals of Mikasa reveal about our society's internalized misogyny? Surely they'll be able to tell from the comments and author's notes that these stories are based on other media, but what if fanfic is all that's left? Isn't that interesting to think about?

God, sorry, I went off on a tangent. It's just so exciting. Art and creation is so exciting, and the idea that these pieces of our minds can live on and change people even long after we're gone.

In conclusion, I just think it's all so neat.

#musings #fanfiction #ao3 stuff #speculation #It was just supposed to be a cute story about my beloved child #fanart is art #fanfiction is literature

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wexhappyxfew · 1 year

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E for Landslide, H, and U for the fanfic ask game !!! :)

AH! POET HELLO!!! thank you so much!! i am especially excited about E for Landslide to say the least ;) thank you again! <333

E: If you wrote a sequel to Landslide, what would it be about?

OKAY! SO! I got this idea for a Landslide sequel back when I was in the midst of writing Natia in Holland, which was peak Natia, to say the least. There's no title for it because I highly doubt I will be getting to it anytime soon, but we focus on Natia and Joe Toye's eldest son, Feliks Toye. He's very much like his mother, in many ways, and goes on to work in the CIA. He's under the guise of 'Agent Brute', a homage to his love for Ancient Roman history and follows him through his time as a CIA agent. We enter the second 'main character', Carrie Tavoularis, a fellow CIA agent, under the guise of 'Agent Viola'. They spend their time as CIA agents in the era of the Cold War and Vietnam, hunkering down in places like Italy, England, and Moscow. I have an incredibly vague plot and we'd have features of the entire Toye family in flashbacks to them growing up, Feliks' relationship with his parents and his two siblings, Poppy and Thomas, and his connections with men from Easy Company that influence Feliks' decision to join the CIA, such as Ronald Speirs.

I think I would definitely enjoy writing it, and hope, if I do get time, I'll maybe test a one-shot out or something! :)

H: How would you describe your style?

I feel my style flows a lot with description and internal monologue. Internal monologue is by far one of my favorite things to write; I just feel that in situations, characters have a LOT to think and feel and experience and an internal monologue provides for that. Natia really was just internal monologue over dialogue and I'm taking that into ATTDC as well with certain OCs. Description I use a lot after that, when it's needed. But, over anything, internal monologue usually carries the stories. I find it most 'eye-opening' and the best way to get the best perspective of the story.

U: Share three of your favourite fic writers and why you like them so much.

This is going to sound so bad but I haven't really read much fanfiction in at least a solid two years since college has started. I tried keeping up with certain fics, but college consumed me and so I haven't been able to really keep up with many fics (it makes me want to cry that I can't, but college always takes priority rn). I DID finally get back a bit and start reading your fic SBT, which I have been thoroughly enjoying more than anything!! Daisy is a loveable lil character and I will protect her with my LIFE! @mercurygray will always be a favorite because of TDS as well; the description, the dialogue, the characters! :) I'm so sorry this is such a bad response to this question!! I keep telling myself to get back to reading more fic, but I just haven't been able to! :(

#thank youuuuuu!!!!!#thoroughly enjoyed these!#PLUS got to talk about my bean feliks toye!!!! :)#all the toye kids are my favs truly #carbon copies of their parents #THANK YOU POET! <3 #much appreciated !!

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