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cherrirui-official · 7 months

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Friendlocke Violet Gijinkas (Part 1/7)

Since the edited episodes are starting to come out, I figured that bc of that and the fact that I've been keeping this in the back burner for a loooong while now, might as well complete all my friendlocke violet gijinkas!! Some are gonna stay the same while others are gonna have slight/ complete redesigns, so please keep that in mind!

I plan on posting them in order by groups of three, so there's gonna be seven parts in total, all of which I'll be linking here when done vvv

(Part Two) (Part Three) (Part Four) (Part Five) (Part Six) (Part Seven)

!! These will contain personal headcanons I have for the cast, little fun facts, and also spoilers for Friendlocke Violet (for both the edited vids and the streams) !!

@saltydkart-reblogs

And that's pretty much it, designs under the cut!

LARK:

HUGE nerd. spent most of his time during the Uva Academy studying different kinds of pokemon as well as different fighting styles he can utilize once he is able to go out on his own journey with his very own trainer! Too bad that didn't really help in the long run...

His entire wardrobe consists of McDonald's related outfits. It's fucking insane. He even has some from long LONG ago that aren't available anywhere else.

The bubble pattern on his hair is able to move and change. Nobody knows how this is possible, not even Lark himself. All Lark knows is that his hair looks incredibly stylish!

Speaking of bubbles, he has the ability to blow bubbles whenever and wherever he pleases!

Often keeps himself extremely clean and gets upset if even a small speck of dirt gets on him, despite this he somehow smells like McDonald's food and axe body spray. Disgusting. He's so cool!

Even after death he still likes to hang around the other team members as a ghost, often getting to know the newer members as well as reuniting with the old ones. Sometimes they see him, sometimes they don't. It usually depends.

SARA:

Due to being a human in her past life, Sara is able to actually speak with the other humans in the pokemon world. However she usually doesn't due to it being seen as extremely weird and out of place. She did slip up once while talking in the presence of Arven, who thought it was the weed making him hear things.

Oinkologne are usually unable to do much with their hooves but Sara spent nights practicing how to knit with her new hooves and now she's able to do it flawlessly. I don't know how she managed to do that but go queen!

When first joining the team she'd often have the urge to eat her food related companions. It was a strange time for Sara, but she managed to overcome it.

When Peppy gets sick, she usually is the one who nurses him back to health. She was a human once so she often is able to figure out whatever sickness Peppy has and treat it properly. I suppose she's like a second mother to him.

The bag she carries with her is full of thread that she collected from various Tarountula she encountered on the journey, as well as little things she knits together in her spare time.

For the most part, Sara forgives... but NEVER forgets.

Did you guys know that Sara has a new YouTube channel? Check it out!

Pastey:

Before joining the team, Pastey was a nameless wanderer. He's been down every road in Paldea and knows almost the entire region (except for Area Zero) like the back of his hand.

He's gotten hurt pretty badly throughout the run (ie. the Mikey fight, the Atticus fight, and ESPECIALLY the final battle), however, he does not gain any (physical) scars from those fights. This is bc he's basically an axolotl, and axolotls are usually able to heal without scarring.

Pastey's "arms" are, to put it simply, mud prosthetics. More info here vvv

Pastey HAS met Mall Bingo once before the run, however, he doesn't recognize her. The only reason he does not recognize her is bc she wears glasses. (You know how people somehow aren't able to recognize Superman bc he wears glasses in his civilian attire even tho his face remains the same? It's basically like that lmao)

Unlike the lightbulbs he eats, the gasoline he drinks isn't really mandatory to his diet. Gasoline is like alcohol to him and he drinks it like an absolute CHAMP.

He goes fishing when there's nothing else to do or when he can't sleep at night. He doesn't do this bc he thinks it's fun or anything, only bc it's a "good time passer" or so he claims. Other members of the team will often sit with him and vent out anything that's troubling them at the moment, and Pastey is always there to listen to them.

And that's pretty much it. Next is Joe, Hannah Ü, and Mykyie!

#I am a firm believer that Sara can and will beat ass #No i do NOT plan on making gijinka designs for Chatbike and Phil sorry guys #just getting that out of the way i know how much yall love phil /j /lh #Anyways it feels so good to finally start on this like holy moly #also idk when the others will be done... HOWEVER...#The sketches for Joe Hannah and Mikey are already pretty much done I just gotta make em digital #so ideally they'll be out pretty soonish I'd say... I hope #but yeah if anyone has any questions abt them feel free to send them in my askbox and I'll be happy to answer them as best as i can!#<- No anons tho sorry yall #Also I need to be honest here Lark's outfit kinda does look atrocious and I couldve changed it... BUT...#I honestly thought it was WAY funnier if Lark's attire looked weird on purpose so I kept it like that lol #Anyways sorry for the word vomit here are the tags #friendlocke #friendlocke violet #saltydkdan #should my gijinkas have their own tag...? Sure why not #Violet Gijinka Au #cherris canvas

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campbyler · 3 months

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What are Mike and Will’s top three artists? (Idk if you’ve mentioned it before sorryy)

oooh i don’t think we’ve named specific favorites for them before!! i don’t know if we’ll be able to just name Three (edit: coming back to proofread after typing out this ask. i did not just name Three), bc to me acswy mike and will both have pretty varied music tastes — i think they’d both listen to a lot of different genres and artists, especially music that their friends/family/assorted loved ones introduce them to that might not be something they’d usually go for.

mike: we did mention in ch2 that mike has a demon days poster above his bed in the blue cabin, and while i don’t think gorillaz is one of his Favorite groups by any means, i do think he 1. listens to them a lot while driving specifically and 2. just reallyyyy loves their album art. to me mike is also such a pop punk enjoyer, so i think some of his go-tos include bands like all time low and paramore and blink-182, probably with a little midwest emo thrown in bc the boy did literallyyyyy grow up in indiana. i do also think he has a soft spot for feel-good pop, especially boyband music like 1D and BTR, and i think 5sos is not technically a boyband (or that they don’t like to be called one? iirc? maybe?) but i think he would listen to them quite a bit as well! really and truly i think mike would just like a little bit of everything, and his fav artists probably rotate a lot depending on his mood.

will: always a jeff buckley enthusiast across universes to meeeee, and the clear answers here are also the cure/the clash and other oldies rock OBVIOUSLYYYY but i think he would also totally dabble in typical Male Manipulator Music lol with likeeeee peach pit and pool house and the strokes especially. i think he’d also be into midwest emo (cannot escape his fate), and maybe also deftones and ptv a little bit (<- self indulgent and me projecting but i am not sorry). i think he also has a soft spot for pop, but not really in the same way mike does — for example, el definitely makes him listen to a lot of carly rae jepsen and the like when they’re together, and he also has a lot of good memories of listening to older pop songs with his mom when he was younger! like. he hits shuffle on his liked songs and it’s destiny’s child followed by radiohead followed by jenny by studio killers. he contains multitudes i’m afraid

#jenny by studio killers is a very special will song to me. if you guys care. i’ll scream it until i’m blue in the face #i also rec’d a fic on my main blog that basically cemented will as a sufjan stevens enjoyer for me for life #likeeee that is my canon now. sorry #anyways i’m so sorry i know you asked for Three and i just word vomited at you #but i just am so insane about them #and their music.#i have a lot of thoughts #asks #acswy reference

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pickled-flowers · 7 months

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Some of you have never been the friend that No-one listens to and it shows

#hey. makes sure your friends get to finsih their thoughts #make sure theyre heard #it is so obvious when im in a group and someone wants to speak but doesnt get the chance #to see my own friends be the ones speaking over others is heartbreaking #there is a special awareness that comes with being unwanted in a group #its painful to know that if i wasnt so outspoken i too would not be heard #if i didnt look the way i did if i was a little less nice and concilient noone would want me around either #anyways #make sure noone is walking behind on the narrow sidewalk #makes sure everyone gets to express their thoughts and opinion #like idk. people see me as cool most times but thats just not the truth #how many times have i been the cool person until that coolness turns out to be something else entirely?#im not cool i am apathetic #sorry for this word vomit im feeling things rn

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introspectivememories · 2 months

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walki with me... tommy kinard calling buck "baby"..... tommy kinard kissing buck..... tommy kinard gently holding buck's waist.... tommy kinard making buck laugh.... tommy kinard listening to buck ramble with stars in his eyes.... tommy kinard peppering kisses all over buck's face as buck blushes..... tommy kinard letting buck set the pace for their relationship..... tommy kinard calling buck "evan".... buck learning to love his own name because how can he not when tommy says it so gently..... buck sitting in tommy kinard's lap..... buck getting hurt on a call and tommy is there right away taking care of him.... buck waking up in the morning with his head pillowed on tommy kinard's chest as the sunlight streams in through the window and casts tommy in a sort of halo and his breath catches and buck is so happy he made it through his twenties and the tsunami and truck falling on him and the embolism and the lightning strike and any of other myriad of ways the universe has had it out for him because he gets to wake up to tommy motherfucking kinard in his bed as the sunlight gently cradles them in her embrace

("baby," tommy says, eyes still closed, less than two seconds later, hand brushing along buck's spine to card his fingers through buck's hair, "you're thinking too loud. go back to sleep."

buck honest to god flushes at the endearment. because that's what he is, tommy's baby. he's tommy's baby. jesus fucking christ, he feels like combusting. burying his head in his boyfriend's (boyfriend!!!) chest, buck tries not to whine.

"don't wanna," he whispers, peeking up at tommy, "wanna look at you."

tommy's other arm comes up to settle along his waist and buck wants to, fuckin', purr or whatever with how right it feels. tommy cracks open his eyelids to peer down at him.

"evan," his boyfriend (boyfriend!!!) says fondly.

and that's another thing he never knew about himself until he started dating tommy. he loves his name. not his nickname or his last name or buckaroo or any variant of that but his first name. he fuckin' loves the name "evan" or maybe he just likes the way tommy says it. and tommy has so many ways he says buck's name.

there's a soft, whispered "evan" in the mornings, and fond "evan" in the afternoons. there's an "evan" that tommy says like he's holding 3 tons of solid gold in his hands. there's an "evan" that he can barely get out through his laughs when buck bursts out with a fun fact at a wrong time. there's a choked-off, bitten, "ev-" when they're in bed at night and tommy can't believe buck is under him, gorgeous and panting. and there's the panicked "EVAN!" on a call gone wrong and there's an angry "evan" when buck doesn't take care of himself and there's a worried, two-syllable "ev-an" when he comes home with more bruises than he left with and there's-,

well the point is that there's a lot of different "evan"s that tommy says these day. he's going to catalogue them all one day. like his very own personal auditory archive. something to pull out on his off days.

"evan," tommy says fondly, "i'm not goin' anywhere sweetheart. i'll be here when you wake up. so go back to sleep, i'll be right where you left me."

and well-, buck forgets sometimes that this is a two-way street. that he may be tommy's baby but tommy's his boyfriend too. that tommy's practically required by law to be here when he wakes up. (oh by law?, he can almost hear his boyfriend snark. buck's bites the inside if his cheek to stop himself from giggling.) and more than some vague, ephemeral, Boyfriend Laws™️, tommy wants to be here when he wakes up. this is something tommy is actively choosing to do.

so when tommy says, "go back to sleep sweetheart" and "i'm not going anywhere, evan", well, who is buck to question that? he burrows deeper into the warm cocoon tommy has made, and let's his boyfriend's heartbeat lull him back to sleep.)

#are you still walking with me?#sorry about the word vomit at the end. this was supposed to be a joke post and then the bucktommy brainrot hit #nearly collapsed at work yesterday thinking about tommy calling buck 'baby'#and buck learning to love his name because of the multitude of ways tommy says it.... that's the good shit #they're endgame to me. like i still love buddie but like even if we never get buddie..... bucktommy is good for me #buck and tommy trying to hide their relationship except buck gets hurt on call one day and tommy comes running over and is so worried #he outs them. just gently calling buck 'baby' by accident in front of 118 and buck who is hurt and just wants comfort leaning into the #warmth tommy provides. well now i am just giving you a summary of 'all i know since yesterday everything has changed' by perfectlysunny #great fic btw. adore it. i rotate it in my head all the time.#911 abc #bucktommy #evan buckley #tommy kinard

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coochiekrab · 10 days

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um, i really wanted to say that I liked your answer about kuri's complicated relationship with gender. I really relate with it and I never thought somebody would be able to write something like what I go through. thank you

i feels it too anon

#this is specifically me and not something kuri feels but on top of feeling alienated from womanhood by not having female rolemodels growing #up i also feel like so much of my relationship to femininity or the lack thereof depends So much on my weight as well #as well as my sexuality #im fat and it makes me feel not womanly #and instead i feel like it masculinizes me #i dont know if i like it. but leaning towards butchness makes me feel more.....defended. protected #i get scared that if i ever lost a lot of weight that i wont know who i am anymore #if ill feel like a Fraudulent butch #if i feel like being thin feminizes me #and at the most extreme end it makes me wonder if i lost a lot of weight would i still even be a lesbian??????/LOL #and i mean Extreme extreme end here #can you have imposter syndrome for gender when youre cis #<<<not and egg moment leave me alone #sorry word vomit lol #thank you anon

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ghostr0tz · 1 month

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I HAVE WRITING REQUESTS (more suggestions but.. IDC)

one: maybe a RadioStatic ship? I’m getting into Vampire territory (forest, castle, EVERYTHIN. More of a platonic/mutual relationship tho 🥰

two: MINI LORE STORIES OR HEAD CANNONS

have fun 🥰❤️❤️❤️❤️

I am sorry this has been sitting here so long I promise i have been thinking about it.

I am sorry for this but this has been brewing in a way of me thinking about Alastor and Vox within the Vampire: the Masquerade ttrpg/universe because its my go-to when thinking about vampires (and is a bit of a special interest..) .... This is not writing but I have been thinking about it for a the past few days, but I'm not actually sure if anyone other than myself would enjoy the indulgence....

This May start get confusing if you do't know what it is, which is valid because I don't actually know how popular the game is...

,,,,,but it uses very common tropes and ties to popular vampire themes that are common i believe. (PLUS theres an old early 2000's game it was based off on Steam but i highly recommend getting the fanmade patch)

I could soooo see Alastor and Vox having a Sire/Childe relationships in a sort of vampire au, with Alastor stickign to his archaic ways and Vox keeping up with modern mortal trends and such, even if he was just as a dusty, ancient bitch

In the VTM universe, vampires are split into different clans and bloodlines. With Alastor's heavy usage of shadow manipulation and general distortion. That, ORRR, I could see him being a Tzimisce, but part of Tzimisce as an older Elder (Old Clan Tzimisce). The traditionalism and seclusion and general possessiveness and protectiveness AAAUUGHHHhh,,,,,

The obvious one for Vox is being a Setite with the corruption and control and general cult-leader-vibes but i coudl TOTALLY see him being a Ravnos with his hypnosis and misdirection/manipulation over true fighting.

The relatable funny answer for Vox is him being a Malkavian with a derangement involving Alastor. Somehow some way i think he'd be connected with the Malkavian Madness Network even if he isnt one.

Unfortunately they'd never be able to be sire/childe within that universe but god them being in the same coterie (party) would be SO funny to watch. They'd be at each others throats so much.

I am so sorry for the rant but I've been thinkign about it and probably doesnt make sense to ANYONE but this is ur sign to play Vampire The Masquerade with ur friends its like goth dnd cmon you knowww you wannaa oooooo

#sorry the vampire autism slipped out i have a vtm session tonight #i am so sorry for the word vomit i just love thinking about this #will probably never do something with this 'au' because lack of interest smashign these two things together #but it was fun to me.#vampire the masquerade #vtm #hazbin hotel #hazbin vox #hazbin hotel vox #vox hazbin hotel #ask #radiostatic #staticlovetune #staticradio #inkynull #vtm au #?#please talk to me about this or ill die

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everybodyshusband · 1 year

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Situations have occurred. i’m dealing with it normally.

just thinking. the ghoul tour bus.

busses are top heavy, they roll easily, especially on corners. and with all those energetic ghouls jumping around on the moving bus after an adrenaline-filled show…

mentions of blood, injury, and (NON-major character) death under the cut

It had been a tight corner, and the driver hadn't braked in enough time, leaving the bus to tip over and slide along the road for metres and metres before slowly skidding to a halt. The screaming had stopped once the bus ceased its sliding, but the smashed windows and broken interior wouldn't stop groaning and shattering, even once the crash was over.

Rain had climbed out of the wreck first, miraculously uninjured, and was now sitting with their knees drawn up to their chest, rocking back and forth, staring unblinkingly at the broken, side-turned tour bus. They didn't seem to be injured, just non-verbal and shivering from the shock, but that didn't ease Aether's worry at all.

Aether had been next out, scraping his arm on a piece of jagged glass as he clambered out as quickly as possible. He'd wrapped a pillowcase around it in a makeshift tourniquet. The wound wasn't too deep, but he wasn't going to take any chances; not when he had an entire busload to look after and account for.

Cumulus had been out fairly quickly, too. She'd crawled out through the shattered windscreen past the unconscious driver. She did her best to pull him out of his seat in case anyone could help tend to his wounds, but stumbled back in shock once she saw the damage to his face. A plate-sized shard of glass was sticking out from his face, and he wasn't breathing. It was much too late to help him, Cumulus knew, but she did her best to drag the driver out of the seat regardless; it would be better if anyone else crawling out of the same place she had didn't have to bear witness to the driver's bloody, cut up face. Upon finishing her task and finding Rain and Aether safe and accounted for, Cumulus was now helping Aether to climb back in and search for the others while she stayed with Rain, placing a blanket gently over their shoulders.

Reentering the bus, Aether had found Sunshine and Cirrus curled up around each other, squished up behind a couch that had fallen over them. Sunshine's leg had been trapped underneath the couch, and Cirrus seemed to have a mild concussion, but aside from that, the two of them seemed to be alright. Aether helped them to climb out of the bus and requested that—if they felt up to it—they help Cumulus in breaking away the rest of the windshield to create a larger space for the rest to crawl out from.

Swiss, and the band's two newest additions were the next to be found. The three of them had been curled around each other as the ghoulettes had been, except none of them were conscious. Alive, breathing, but unconscious. Aether shouted for help, and to his surprise, it was Copia who came crawling through the wreckage to aid him in dragging his partners to safety.

Copia, like Aether, seemed to be fine. His most obvious injury was a small cut trickling blood, just above his eyebrow. He may have had a limp as well, Aether thought, but it was hard to tell, especially given that both of them were dragging the unconscious bodies of their friends out of a broken, wrecked bus, meaning neither of them could stand properly and have a decent view of the other and their injuries.

As Aether and Copia dragged the ghouls from the bus, Dewdrop appeared, covered in blood, limping, and clutching his arm to his chest. "Aeth," he started, sounding completely wrecked, his voice shaking with emotion. Aether felt his heart split open in terror. "Aeth, I- I can't find Mountain."

"What." His voice sounded hollow, even to his own ears.

"I- I can't find him. We were sitting next to each other, he- he should have been right next to me, but..."

Aether hands the task of ghoul-carrying over to Copia and turns to Dew, taking him in properly. Along with the injuries Aether first saw, the fire ghoul clearly has some kind of head injury, since Aether can clearly see the blood matted in his hair and dripping down one side of his face. It's obvious Mountain and Dew were sitting on the side the bus rolled onto and got the worst brunt of it.

"Dew, you go and climb out of the windscreen. 'Lus and Copia will help you, okay?" Aether instructs, moving further into the bus as he speaks. "I'm going to find Mountain."

As Aether walks further and further into the wreckage, he's struck by just how serious their crash was. The furniture is piled high on the wall-now-floor of the bus, and almost every window on that same side that Aether can see is smashed. He's suddenly struck with the knowledge of just how lucky they are that everyone in their pack survived. Except for...

No. Aether will find Mountain. The earth ghoul will be fine. He has to be.

After what feels like hours of frantic searching—in reality, it’s probably less than ten minutes, but time goes fuzzy when Aether panics—Aether finally spots Mountain's uniform jacket. The arm of it is peaking out from the smashed window. The rest of it is under the weight of the entire bus. He can't see an arm inside the jacket, which is a good sign, but Aether can't stop himself from panicking anyway.

He screams when he finally spots Mountain.

Mountain's body? No. No, it's Mountain. He needs to be alive. He needs to be.

The earth ghoul is lying on his side, on the very back bunk, facing towards Aether. His face is bloodied and bruising already, and the rest of him doesn't look much better, even hidden under his clothes. Aether yells for help. He doesn't want to risk moving Mountain in case he causes even more damage.

Thankfully, he doesn't have to worry for too long. He barely registers the paramedics pushing past him to get a proper look at the injured earth ghoul, or the kind person who helps him to stumble out of the bus after they carry Mountain out on a stretcher. He thinks the others are talking to him once he crawls out, but he can barely focus on anything, let alone the worried voices and faces of his packmates.

Later, when it's known that everyone is safe and accounted for, Aether doesn't really remember the rest of that day. Only worry, fear, worry, hospital, sleep, worry. Mountain will heal, the doctors assure them all. He's attained serious injuries, but he will heal, and in a few months, he'll be almost back to normal.

There's a collective sigh of relief, and although the doctor continues to list Mountain's injuries, none of them are really listening to her anymore; too relieved that their earth ghoul will eventually be okay.

#that ending is shitty shitty shitty but eh #the words have been vomited out #i don't even have time to read this back i am so sorry in advance haha :')#the band ghost #nameless ghouls #aether ghoul #gets a tag but no one else because i'm lazy #husband ficlets

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lee-hakhyun · 11 months

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from an outside perspective it’s really feeling like they’re emphasising kim dokja’s status as an eldritch god. like,,, you don’t feel it through orv because kim dokja himself has just enough knowledge from reading twsa to navigate, and on his own you can really tell how human he actually is, but. take things from a distanced perspective, and suddenly. suddenly, it’s azathoth and the outer gods of lovecraftian lore, played completely straight. i’ve heard enough people compare azathoth and kdj that i think i can say this much

you wanna know something i’ve thought about a lot regarding kdj and the oldest dream? about yjh becoming a terrorist, and how kimcom willingly went back into the fray, how they returned to the previous timeline - and how some people couldn’t comprehend their choices at first? it makes me think of that old trope of ‘going mad from the revelation’, how some people say that gazing upon this otherworldly being’s true form or ‘learning the truth of the world’ would surely make someone go mad.

go mad with what, though? insanity? or grief? because so, so often, one’s pain is incomprehensible to outsiders, and fail to understand how or why you lash out or break down. it’s a depressing pattern in real life, too. kdj goes mad with grief and self-hatred, learning the truth; kimcom take on the insane route of going through the apocalypse again just to reach the end; yjh is unable to heal, to cope with a world without the scenarios and without his companion to bear through it, and so he fights over the replica of the arc. from an outsider’s perspective, without the understanding that the people involved are all brokenhearted over truths only they know, it might come off as insanity. but it’s all just grief.

with that said, however, to have someone jung heewon KNEW, cruel as he was, replaced by someone from a world beyond - and to start singing the praise of someone else’s name? to say ‘i need to find them?’ how all of them look to one name that outsiders simply DO NOT KNOW, to hail this unknown person as important, as an idol, as… as a god…

the 41st turn before their version of shin yoosung travelled to the other worldlines is a forgotten story, and by orv logic forgotten stories are outer gods. in lovecraftian lore, the outer gods sought to wake the blind idiot god azathoth, who in orv is represented by kdj dreaming for ‘eternity’. also, the Outer Gods of orv (the one actually being called as such right now) see the side story - which is the ‘forgotten’ 41st turn, now being written in where once it was not - as their chance to finally be written on the wall. so it’s. it’s. this is just singshong taking their lovecraftian elements to their logical extreme

interestingly, however, kdj isn’t the only reader anymore, is he? orv places a lot of emphasis on communication and writing on the wall, but in the side story it could perhaps be interpreted as ‘trying to be read by one person in particular’. and then the readers that die are labelled as ‘kdj33’ or ‘kdj47’, reducing them to being ‘just a part’, but… they’re all different people. they’re all people who took in kdj’s story, thus his story becomes a part of their own - but only a part. i’ve said that before, but.

well, you can’t force your own narrative on to someone else.

han sooyoung tried that, actually, didn’t she? tried to get kdj back through ending the story early only to realize the hurt she was causing and backing off. you can’t always reach people in the way you want. that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stop trying, but there’s also a point where you need to recede, to compromise. am i making sense? i have no idea where singnshong is taking this story, but i’m looking at hsy with lee hakhyun and ceokdj with the readers turned kdj fragments and the outer gods wanting their story written on the wall and. i feel like i’m starting to see a pattern. i could also be hallucinating, but i could also not be. i offer this for your consideration

okay i put this aside for a bit but yes. oh my god. eldritch kdj.. i had not heard about this before, but that's so interesting thinking about it through that lens. and in the side story, hsy forcing the memories of orv on jhw to try to break her.. the explict mentioning of han sooyoung being seen as a 'god' in that moment...

fun fact, if you don't remember! lovecraftian horrors are also mentioned as outer gods in orv

chapter 179. when talking with the devourer of dreams, kdj mentioned these modifiers

the fear of sarnath - bokrug

horror from the hills - chaugnar faugn

master of r'lyeh - cthulhu

now, adding my own thoughts - the pattern is identity. stories.

there's something wrong with everything in this turn.

the kkomas were cute. until it was revealed that they were dead readers. though.. is that not also kind of what the yoo joonghyuk kkomas are? they may have all been yoo joonghyuk, but their lives in that turn were their own. <- however. the difference here is that while the yjh kkomas were all 'yoo joonghyuk' these kdj kkomas were NOT. they all had their own lives before being brought to wos, and upon being killed and placed in the theater.. they lost themselves.. which is terrifying to think about. you die, and you're brought back to watch your companions go on without you, but you're not yourself anymore. you're kim dokja, who wants to continue watching the stories on the screen.

the transmigrated readers. until the latest chapters, we hadn't been shown the real effect of the readers possessing characters in this world (honestly, we were led to believe that most people transmigrated into 'extras' without their own story. but that's not true, is it?). cheon inho has no one close to him as far as we know (lol), but that's not the same for others. what about the people who knew the possessed characters? lee hakhyun realizes this in the latest chapter, that maybe him and the readers coming here were an additional disaster for the people that lived here.

lee hakhyun's problems,, he's constantly going back and forth on 'lee hakhyun' and 'cheon inho', and there's clearly something wrong with the way he sees himself... we know more about him that he does currently, and if he does find out. i don't think things are going to end well.

and of course. everything about kim dokja. his name is in everyone's minds, the readers are desperate for a source of hope and he has become that to them. kim dokja is being idolized. even before the scenarios, there were those using kim dokja's story in the same way he used yjh. it's not framed as a negative, if that's what you need to do survive, then you should always do what you can to survive, no matter what. but even when you borrow stories, you need to stay yourself. you are your own person.

there's a clear connection with all of these, and it's identity. who someone is, the way they're seen, their stories. what makes you yourself? stories make up who you are, and these outer gods want their own stories written down on the wall to define themselves. rep kdj wanting the readers to forge a new story, lee hakhyun discovering stories that were never told in orv.

right now, nobody's happy. time is running out for the outer gods, the readers have unwittingly destroyed others by taking over these 'extras', kimcom are still desperately searching for their star, our dear protagonist is continuing to doubt himself. and kim dokja is still watching.

...this is orv. not everyone will get their happy ending. their goals oppose each other. we can hope for the best, but that isn't going to happen.

#word VOMIT. im not editing this sorry if it makes no sense!#THESE ANALYSES ARE ALWAYS SO GOOD AND I AM NOT A PERSON WHO THINK ABOUT THINGS TOO DEEPLY...#i cut some parts of this out (mainly about han sooyoung + the outer gods) because i couldn't word it right. but they connect with this too #<- might come back to this once i have the corresponding chapters translated. give me a day or two #i know i talk about identity so much but this is what the side story is all about #i didnt know about the lovecraftian stuff until i read it on the korean wiki for orv <- it's so much more detailed than the eng one lol #ask #orv #orv side story #orv spoilers #lee hakhyun #somewhat related? but i realized part of why i related with lhh so hard #it's the trans experience #living a life that might not be the worst‚ but you're not truly yourself. feeling like you're living someone else's life‚#responding to a name that isn't really your own.#anyway the TRANS CHEON INHO PFP IS STAYING !!

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ddenji · 6 months

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i think a movie was a good choice for reze's arc!!! i'm literally so excited to see her & denji be whacky on the big screen <3 plus I hope this means good things for the animation overall cuz the anime was gorgeous and there are some really epic moments in reze's arc that i cannot wait to see translated into film. also what a choice to call it reze's arc, bc like yes it is, but also... this is denji's story. they're all his arcs. to me its a good way of reinforcing the ideas surrounding how denji is controlled by his desire for love & the people he chases in pursuit of that love <3 (though also it would be spoilers i guess to show reze and then call it bomb devil arc lol. it serves multiple purposes. to me.) anyways yippee! now we just wait for season two announcement!!

#chainsaw man #chainsaw man movie #reze #denji #i will say that i'm nervous for like... the overall performance of the anime #like 12 episodes and then straight to a movie?#anime only's probably arent ride or die enough for that but... i will have faith. this series WILL be animated in full. trust #we WILL see asa in the anime one day.#meowww tho i am literally so excited for reze. go girlboss give us everything!#she is gonna slay sooo hard #do i think anime onlys deserve her? not really. will i do anything for csm to stay popular until it's fully animated? yes.#even if they misunderstand my beautiful daughter.#scared of twitter already....#spence.speaks #chainsaw man spoliers #<- just in case #sorry i saw movie announcement and started word vomiting #spence.personal

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bunnidid-reviews · 1 year

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is it frowned upon to wish that one could dissociate or have an alter take over in moments that are awful and stressful? genuine question

Hmmm, this blog is really more intended on reviewing and sharing media about complex dissociative disorders, or could easily be related to CDDs. Certainly not an advice blog for this or anything else > < I think any more general questions about DID can be forwarded to @sundropglass (main blog) if at all, just to stay on topic here.

But since you asked, I may as well share my perspective a little bit. I urge you to read it all.

Of course it's something anyone would want. Shut off and let the stress be taken care of for someone else? go off to fairyland a bit? It's actually an extremely sophisticated way of functioning in the midst of trauma; tuck it away, get through the thing that you might otherwise feel like you're dying from.

But where does that stress go?

Say that you had a very stressful day. Maybe one thing after another kept going wrong. And all day, there was absolutely nothing you could do because you had to carry on with a smile on your face and act like everything's fine, while more dismays pile on top of you. Maybe on top of that, you end up having an argument with a loved one and now you have social anxiety and no sense of safety or relief.

This is not out of the norm. People live very stressful lives all the time. It builds up though, all that stress is piled into your immune system if you don't have any release.(Expressing emotions in a healthy manner) It comes out in the ways that maybe you get ill, or spend all day in the bathroom, or get a migraine. This is what we call the body keeping the score (a book I should read tbh). What the mind doesnt handle(dissociates from), the body will.

This is what people with CDDs regularly go through. Trauma = stress that's beyond your range of coping. Chronic trauma means chronic stress, just stored away in pockets upon pockets where its never dealt with until much later in life. This is why I don't think I know a single system who doesn't have some sort of chronic health issues. The initial trauma may not have killed them, but maybe the health issues that come from all this chronic stress might just finish the job.

This isn't even addressing what the disorder implies mentally.

Look up the symptoms of PTSD, look into personality disorders, attachment disorders, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation. Any trauma-based symptoms could come with a CDD, because there's nearly nothing special at all about DID or OSDD. They're not sectioned off 'incredible' disorders as much as media or people on the internet will imply. We are normal people who have been hurt. A lot.

We have this disorder because no one came to save us, so we had to turn to ourselves, sometimes at an extremely young age. There's no measuring the amount of hurt it takes for a young child to feel this alone.

Going off this ask alone, but because you wish you could dissociate to such the intensity as you're suggesting, tells me that you haven't actually. Daydreaming or spacing out is a very minor case of dissociation, but the level at which you're having alters would imply that you're hoping to dissociate much further than you actually think you want. Do you not want to recognize your own spouse, or be completely unable to be present in the best moments of your life? This doesn't shut off when you're happy again.

Say fine fine fine, yes yes yes to all of this, you could deal, because at least you'd be another person who would bear the responsibility for you.

I hate to tell you this, but that's not how alters work. They are, at the end of the day, still part of you. They don't magically whisk away all this stress they face, they'd still hold onto it, be strongly effected by it, and you're a lot more likely to have the same stress come back over and over again and go unprocessed because of the fragmentation involved.

If it's to ease off some of the responsibility of being yourself, then.. Well that's not what happens with DID either. Those of us with a CDD tend to feel overly responsible for everything around us, actually. It's not the escape you're hoping for.

In a short answer: Yes it is very believable to want this disorder, to want alters. That's understandable even!

But I'm also going to say this is frowned upon. There is a LOT more to these disorders than some spacing out and some cool characters. I hope you can understand a little more why this mentality is frowned upon; no one who has it actually wants it when it comes down to it

BUT i HAVE GOOD NEWS FOR YOU ANON!! Please listen

It's okay to want to be someone else to get through the stress. It's even okay to turn off your brain and space out. These are natural human things. Just.. They don't have to be a disorder. There are some recommendations for coping that aren't hoping to have a CDD, but might suit you if you struggle with this:

Try to analyze your life and see what it is that's causing you so much stress that it makes you want to not exist in such a way. If you're in a bad environment that you can't change, there are still little things you can do to make it better for yourself

Are there things you CAN change? Maybe you can look into getting professional help or finding a new job, or even so much as regularly tidying up the space you're in

Look up coping mechinisms and grounding techniques

Take breaks and let yourself really unwind. Read a book or go outside and look at clouds or something until you feel calm. I promise this feels way better than dissociation

Fun Coping Tools That Feel Like What You Want Out Of Dee Eye Dee:

create a story in your head. If you come up with a world all your own to explore, it feels like having an inner world

Create original characters you can "be". By this I mean be imaginative like when we were all kids. >>Here's a really cool version of what adults can do if 'playing pretend' seems too childish for you<<

Have some staring out a window time. Just let your mind go for a bit

None of this has to be disordered to be helpful, and have nearly the same effect that you're hoping for.

If you are at a point where you want to not exist for suicidal reasons, I really urge you to get some help. There's always someone who wants you to be around, even if thats some time in the future.

#askies #dissociative identity disorder #why yes I did word vomit on this sorry! I have some feelings about it #I think my blog does a not so great job at showing the harder parts of DID becauseeeee Iiiii am reviewing media thats not always accurate #I want people with CDDs to feel less alone in representation but it is far from wanting others to have the disorder bc its fun #actuallydid

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tootalltech · 10 days

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okay. i feel like theres still Some People who may check the land of stories tag on here the way i occasionally do i know theres some fans of the series here at least. since a while back i wrote out an entire paragraph to briefly explain why im insane about lloyd bailey to my friends who dont know tlos, i figure, WHY NOT POST IT ON HERE where people who also know the series (and therefore this character) might see it <3 its at least a little funny to see how i try to explain things in tlos like the hall of dreams briefly with little to no details. this is also kind of like a brief summation of everything we know about lloyd AND JOHNS childhood which is interesting. see below.

sits down. let me set the scene. lloyd bailey is the younger son in a set of two. his mother is a very powerful fairy (#fairygodmother) who’s kind of like the chancellor of an entire kingdom. lloyd and his older brother john both very much have magic in their blood because of this. lloyd’s father dies when he is very young. he is “not the same” afterwards. he thinks his older brother john, who handles his fathers passing arguably “better”, is the favorite child. john is happy and cheerful and everyone loves him. lloyd sits in his dark room and reads books like the iron mask all day. lloyd’s mother does not know how to get to him. she figures out how to make a potion that can bring books to life, since he likes to read so much. she offers it to him. he turns her down. she goes into this magic little hallway (infinite space) where she can see what people truly desire. lloyd the 11 year olds desire (i don’t know how old he is.) is to take over the world. hm. a bit concerning. his mother takes him out into the forest on a nice walk, chains him to a tree, and drains his magic from him. lloyd is not a fan of his mother for this. he tells her that she never would’ve done this to john. his mother considers her action stopping him before he wreaks havoc on everything. lloyd considers this having his “birthright” stripped from him for “a crime [he] never committed” (direct quote). lloyd despises his mother. he runs away from home not long after. he considers the potion his mother made his. he only comes back home to try and steal it. he fails. he is sentenced to life in prison. his mother gives him a mask to wear so no one knows he’s her son. john moves to the otherworld and starts a family. lloyd rots in prison. lloyd’s son who he doesn’t know about is born. lloyd rots in prison. john dies. lloyd rots in prison. his mother loves john’s children and starts to train one of them in being her successor. this could’ve been lloyd. lloyd rots in prison. he doesn’t escape until his niece and nephew are teenagers and his niece is about ten times more powerful than him. because she has the gift that was ripped out of his hands. lloyd hates the world he lives in and its people and seeks to destroy it as soon as he’s out. i wonder why. in conclusion. im normal about him.

#i also want to say #im a terrible fan #meaning that i havent read atom. I KNOW IM SORRY #so if theres any more details. about lloyd or john. in those books #someone let me know! bc ill go read them i really will #ive been figuring there isnt since its. yk. their mothers time #but ya never know #see thats whats interesting is that lloyd and johns generation is the one story chris colfer did NOT make a series out of #bc yk theres tlos and atom obviously #but we know so little about the time in between those series i feel like...#chris said FUCK those millennials #it brings me so much pain #BUT ITS OKAY #i am banging on chris colfers door what do you MEAN lloyd wasnt the same after his father died can you ELABORATE. PLEASE #desperately need this to reach the right audience. I HAVE TO STOP WORD VOMITING IN TAGS #i just figure like. if my goddamn lab rats elite force rant can get that many notes from what seems to be a small fandom. then #i might as well post this <3 #lloyd bailey #the masked man #john bailey #brystal evergreen #the land of stories #tlos

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edelbleu · 10 months

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you know, even tho some people seem to think that reo's actions were selfish, i kind of get him tho... i'm not justifying him lashing out to nagi, but i do recognize that he did it 'cause he was hurt, and it's completely fine to feel like that. no one wants to be left behind by someone we hold so dearly, it's not selfish (even tho we all know nagi's intention wasn't to hurt him, he just wanted what was best for both). i think their main problem is their miscommunication, nagi failing to express to reo his true intentions and thus hurting him, and reo not being able to see past his insecurities and pain.

their relationship is a really interesting one. sorry for the rant! just wanted to add my two cents abt them ♡ really love your blog!

You're so right, anon!

I totally agree with the notion that Reo isn't the one in the wrong for their fight - neither is Nagi. It's a failure on both their parts to properly communicate and express their true feelings.

I don't think Reo's reaction is disproportionate at all - let's face it, when I first watched (yes, I'm an anime first) the scene where Nagi joins Isagi's team, I gasped out loud, because I knew something huge had just happened, and I knew Reo wouldn't be happy about it. I think that was the intended reaction for that moment; it comes as a shock for the audience, so it must've been even worse for Reo!

At the moment Reo doesn't even lash out, he shuts down and tells Nagi "to do whatever he wants", which I actually think is a much more mature answer rather than start losing it in front of them. We now know thanks to Episode Nagi that he cries after that, and well - he just lost (or he believes he's lost) the person he's been building his future dream around for the last 6 months... of course he's upset!

And really, if we hadn't gotten to see Nagi's pov of that moment.... we wouldn't have known he was doing it for their sake, either. Sure, in the main manga you get the idea in later episodes that he doesn't hold any kind of grudge against Reo and that he actually looks forward to seeing him again, but... from a third person pov, it looks like a solo move, with the goal of "I want to get stronger", not "I want to get stronger so that we can reach our dream."

And the first option would've been totally fine too, but man, cut Reo some slack. He deserves to be a bit upset. Later things get worse before they get better, and I believe that's due to Reo having too much time to wallow in self-pity and listen to his insecurities.

Reo's denial -> depression -> anger -> acceptance emotional pipeline is really well-written IMO.

In the end, I think their behavior is... human, and very realistic at that. I was genuinely impressed to see such a complex dynamic between two characters in a shounen about football of all things, and honestly, that's what got me hooked.

TL;DR: Reo isn't selfish, he's insecure, and Nagi didn't help him realize he wasn't just moving on without him.

#nagireo #reonagi #mikage reo #edel answers #thankyou so much anon!#sorry for the word vomit i hope it makes sense #also #i am looking forward to seeing the “you're a pain reo” moment in epng #but also TERRIFIED #i need to know what went through nagi's mind to tell reo THAT #personally i believe it's the worst thing he could've said #from reo's pov #bc reo's been trying all this time to keep nagi's interest #and to make him see the fun in trying #so for him to say that.... damn #anyways im shutting up now #don't hesitate to leave more thoughts in my inbox!

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allylikethecat · 4 months

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Omg, also a TS fan since debut and I massively took a step back from her personally prior to the reputation era because of her antics and victim complex. The music will always mean so so much to me, her lyrics mean so much to me, but her actions as a person and TS™️ as an entity is just weird and greedy. I think she accrued a lot of fans when she disappeared for a while who've completely constructed a narrative in their heads of who she is and they believe it and are eating up this current era, but those who've been here a long time know how PR and image driven it is. Exhausting.

I apologize in advance I have been having way too many feelings about this whole situation and how it relates to my identity as a 28 year old woman and you are about to get an oversharing novel in response lol

Also, I guess CW: this post is about Taylor Swift and if anyone sends me any kind of hate or whatnot related to my own personal opinions and feelings I will be deleting it because I am NOT playing that game.

My Aunt bought me the Debut album CD at a concert after seeing her open for Rascal Flatts. She was like "I thought that you would like her!" and she was RIGHT Taylor Swift became my entire personality. One of my FAVORITE core memories as a child was the day Fearless came out. For some reason we didn't have school, and my Mom and I watched Taylor on the Ellen show, and then we went to Target and bought the physical CD, we then drove around town so we could listen to it together. My mom hasn't been well and that is one of my favorite memories of us together. It's silly but when you're in middle school that kind of thing is important to you. Then in high school I actually got MADE FUN OF for wearing Taylor merch and being excited about Red. BUT I loved her music and felt like she actually stood for something, so I brushed it off and continued to be a HUGE Swiftie. I had the Taylor Swift dolls, I had the perfumes, I had the LOVE LOVE LOVE bracelet, I had the sundresses from WALMART. I saw her on the Fearless and 1989 tours, I had the fucking 1989 haircut. I was supposed to go to Loverfest.

I was still a HUGE Swiftie during the post 1989-pre Reputation eras, then the Reputation era. I'm a few years younger than her, but I felt like I could relate to the kind of manic panic that she was sharing with us (lol turns out I was just unmedicated and we're doing much better now). It felt (in my probably naive mind) like she was experiencing the same insecurities that I was and reacting accordingly. Was she playing the victim at times? Oh 100% BUT I also fully believe that she thought she was one. (Plus... Kim is my least favorite Kardashian lol)

I LOVED the Lover era even as it was shit on at the for the sunshine rainbow hyper colorful aesthetic. Like, I don't know if new fans realize but when Lover was released? It was NOT as beloved as it is now. Then Folklore and Evermore were absolute genius, it felt like Taylor had grown up, and she got all of these new fans, which was great! She was in an "adult" relationship and her music and publicity choices seemed to reflect that. It was so refreshing to see a celebrity keeping their personal life, personal, and sharing what they wanted to share through music. Midnights broke all kinds of records, again, amazing! Even if it wasn't as strong as say Folklore. I fought for my life and got Eras Tour tickets (opening weekend!!) I had the BEST TIME EVER.

Taylor has always been extremely calculated with her public image. She was over exposed during The 1989 era and the public turned on her, so I truly cannot figure out why she is doing it again 100x in this new era of whatever the fuck this is. I don't know her, maybe she is legitimately happy, or maybe this is a cry for help. But I have been so grossed out by her behavior lately, and how in your face everything is with Kelce. It's no secret that I hate Kelce (and people that know me IRL know that it's not a new Taylor related thing lol) and if she actually loves him, fine, that's great for her, BUT we don't need to see it! Yes she was public when she was dating Calvin but ALSO she was what 25-26? She's a 34 year old woman now with the biggest platform of any celebrity ever. She feels too old (and this is not me age shaming her because I would be grossed out if my friends were doing it, and I would be embarrassed if *I* were to ever do it) to be licking a man's face in public like this. This feels like sorority girl in her first college relationship (I was *in* a sorority for a hot second so this isn't hate on sorority girls either!) and not record breaking Grammy award winning artist. ALSO I feel like she used to come across as so articulate and well spoken? Controversial opinion but I thought she sounded like a fucking idiot in that Time Person of the Year piece.

I think that this whole thing is PR for something, but because it just feels too icky to be real, but I don't know what it's PR for, (trying to bury the Matty situation from May? Because if so that just makes me even more sad for him or trying to get back at Joe? Which if that's the case, I feel bad for him too and she's even more immature than I thought) and now, for the first time, AFTER SIXTEEN YEARS I'm embarrassed to be a fan of her, both because of her own actions and also the actions of her fanbase as a whole.

It feels really weird, and I know I'm being parasocial about it, but when the times got bad I always had her music to fall back on and now I just, I don't know it feels cheapened somehow because the current image that's being crafted doesn't match the one that we originally fell for. And you know what, people change, she's a celebrity, I don't know her, what she does DOES NOT affect me any way, and how I feel does not AFFECT HER in the slightest, and I know it's being parasocial but I feel like a big part of me is in mourning about it. Less because of her changing her image so drastically, and more so because I feel like I'm mourning the loss of childhood and joy that used to be associated with her music for me and I think that's what's making me the most sad.

I have Eras tour tickets for one of the London dates this summer. I'm probably going to still go, because I paid for them, and I also have tickets to see Noah Kahan that same week in London (... and also the Longines tour has ALSO decided that the London stop is that week...) But I don't consider myself a "big fan" anymore. Maybe I will be one day again, but this current image that she's putting out just isn't it for me.

Sorry for the longest Taylor related novel in existence, I have had a lot of bottled up feelings about this that feel ridiculous typing out and sharing out loud BUT I know I will feel better sending them into the interwebs and your ask was the perfect catalyst.

Thank you so much for sending this in and for your continued support! I hope you continue to enjoy my fics and my secret sports hot takes 😂

❤️Ally

#allylikethecat #ask ally #anon ask #keep it kind #i am so sorry this got so long #i just started word vomiting and couldnt stop #then i started crying thinking about my mom #and yeah anyway i am 100% sober just dramatic lol #dont worry i will still be working on you know where the city is #Fictional!2014/2015 taylor has not made me sad lol #and i know it doesnt matter or actually impact me and its super parasocial and probably not healthy that im sad about all of this #BUT i love projecting my feelings and shit onto other things #and why deal with the ~other trauma~ in my life #when i could just... be bummed out about taylor swift turning into a trashy hoe instead of the poet we thought she was #BUT IN IMPORTANT AND EXCITING NEWS #the way i am so hype for this beyonce country album #im not even a beyonce stan #i dont even know if i would go as far as saying im a casual fan #but 16 carriages is so good #and im so excited to see what the rest of the album has in store #also please be nice to me im being vulnerable on the internet #because i am too stubborn to be vulnerable in real life #... there is a 75% chance i am going to panic delete this later but oh well here it is

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chrrywvea · 7 months

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I AM ACTIVELY LOSING IT RIGHT NOW

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schofieldshelmet · 1 year

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mm...just thinking about the fact that Scho was already traumatized at the start of 1917. "You don't remember the Somme?" "Not really." but his face says otherwise, as does the wound stripe on his sleeve. he does his best to hide his fear, but it slips out anyway. the quick side glances he gives Blake when Erinmore says they'll be going into no man's land. the slightly panicked undertones as he says that maybe they should think about this. the horror that briefly flashes over his face when he sees the rotting corpse in the shell crater.

thinking about how he tries to be nonchalant about accidentally plunging his hand into the rotting carcass, but his voice and hands are shaking as he says "put it through an effing German." how when Blake steps into the German dugout, Scho stops and looks around and steels himself before he follows. how when they're inside, he pauses to stare at the picture left behind, and his face crumples because he is so far from home. then when the tripwire collapses the dugout, and for a moment there is nothing but the sound of Scho's muffled cries that seem to blend with sobs. He's panicking, buried, unable to breathe, and then his voice goes silent. Blake digs him up, and he's terrified, gasping, blindly following Blake. "I can't see-" and his voice is raw with terror.

thinking about how when they finally make it out, Scho stops and sits down and pours water over his eyes with hands that are visibly shaking. "I wish you'd picked some other bloody idiot," he says, angry, but inside he is just a scared, desperate child, missing home and fresh air and safety, the fear coming out as rage. thinking about how Blake tries to cheer him, and he says tersely that he's not in the mood. but in spite of himself, he laughs, letting the weight slide off his shoulders, because he made it through no man's land and the dugout and survived being buried alive. thinking about how he finally is raw and honest with Blake, spilling his emotions. how he hated going home. how his voice breaks and he pauses in a desperate attempt to control the tears before walking onward to collect himself.

and then the farmhouse. how he sees the doll with the cigarette burns on its eyes; it belonged to someone's child once. maybe that child is dead now. and he thinks of his girls and how it could be them and he says "I don't like this place." his tiny smile when he finds the milk, because he thinks of home and simple things. and then his mistrust around the German pilot. Blake wants to help but Scho's trauma runs too deep, his wariness won't let go, because he remembers blood on the grass and smoke in the air and he knows too much to be friendly. then the horror in his face, the way he doesn't hesitate to shoot down the pilot as Blake starts to scream.

how he tries to drag Blake to safety, but he is not strong enough and they both fall to the earth. how he desperately tries to help, how he looks around wracking his brain for solutions, for some way to save his best friend, perhaps his only friend. he's lost and scared on a mission he never had incentive to accomplish in the first place, and his figurative brother is bleeding out, pasty white, in his arms. "Am I dying?" and Scho pauses and then gently answers "Yes. Yes, I think you are," because deceit is not in his nature. Blake's blood coats his palms and fingers. the sky is gray and cold, and Scho cannot save him. he cannot do anything. he can only watch as Blake dies slowly, the life draining from his eyes. "I know the way," he says, and he is terrified, but he will not let Blake see.

and then how Blake goes still in his arms, and Scho rolls his lips together and does his best to keep it under control. how he tucks the photo of Blake and his family close to his heart, to keep with him even after death. how he tries desperately to drag Blake's corpse to a pleasanter resting place, but he cannot. how he is so broken, unable to process. shattered. he can hardly tear himself away from Blake's corpse when it is time to leave. he is not ready, he will never be ready. but he must.

thinking about how he climbs into the lorry and sits staring ahead like he is a statue carved from stone. the truck bumps over the road and he sways with it, surrounded by the casual chatter of strangers, trying not to break down. withdrawing into himself. empty and aching, unable to grieve. there was not even a proper grave for Blake, just damp grass and lonely hills, and Scho has left him behind. never to see him again. thinking about his panic when the truck comes to a halt, how he is near tears, begging the others to help him push it from the mud. how they do not understand until they see the half-mad grief sparking in his eyes. how they do their best to help, and he climbs back in the truck, drained. "there were two of us," he says. only one is left now. Blake's blood still clings to his skin like paint.

how he tells Cooke that he is going to make it, when he himself doesn't fully believe that he will. how he knows he must continue on alone when they discover the bridge is out. he doesn't have time for a detour. he faces the broken bridge, the crumbling town, and grief walks with him hand in hand as he steps onto the rail of the bridge. his legs are shaking. but he must go on because Blake's brother is still alive, and if he couldn't save Blake, maybe he can save his family instead. just like Blake. a little older. so Scho walks on with trembling legs. and then the gunshots, and he jumps out of his skin in the silence, heart racing.

thinking about the way he has to calm his breathing and steel himself before he takes aim and fires at the sniper. how he is cautious creeping into the building, but the bullet strikes him anyway, and he falls into darkness. how his blood has congealed in a puddle below his head, and he sits up, dazed. confused. not remembering where he is or what exactly he is meant to be doing. how he touches his head, and then drags himself up the stairs slowly and stares at the city. a city broken and bleeding like himself. how when he sees the German soldier near the burning church, he is dazed. he wonders if this man can help him. he walks towards the man, and then suddenly he is being charged at, and the man's rifle is lifted. Scho jumps in panic, because this man is not a friend, and he wants to kill.

thinking about how Scho, drifting in and out of his own mind, becomes suddenly aware of Lauri in her refuge, terrified and certain he is about to shoot her. how he tries to communicate in broken French. "Friend. I'm a friend." how he winces, head throbbing in sudden pain as dizziness washes over him. he tries to make her understand where he needs to go, because he has a vague idea but his head hurts and he just can't remember. how Lauri tells him to sit, but he is too dazed to understand, so she repeats it. he sits awkwardly, painfully, hand pressed to his head. how Lauri touches his head and turns it. there is the slightest bit of wariness in his face, but her hands are the first gentle touch he has felt in perhaps months, and so he lets her take care of him. "thank you," he tells her, hoarse from exhaustion, slowly so she will understand.

and then. instantly when he hears the cries every nerve in his body is sharpened. a child. a baby. there is still humanity in the world. "A girl?" he asks. Lauri affirms, and he can't help but smile. he can't help but think of his own two girls. he kneels in front of the baby, enraptured.

thinking about how he and Lauri look at each other with a horrible understanding because this baby is an orphan and she will never know her mother. how Schofield gives up all of his rations for Lauri, the only thing he can do to help when clearly he longs to do so much more than he can. how he and Lauri become so excited when he produces his canteen full of milk, because there are still small miracles during war.

how Scho leans in towards the baby and holds out his hand. "bonjour," he whispers, in a voice clearly used on babies before. how he avoids Lauri's questions about his own children, because it hurts too much to say out loud. how the baby is fascinated by him, because he is a father and he is gentle, and his voice is soft. how Scho recites a nursery rhyme, slowly and quietly, with the expertise of one who is used to speaking to small children. yearning for home fills his eyes.

thinking about how when the bell starts to sound, he remembers suddenly what he is meant to be doing. how his heart breaks and the dread returns as he stands, not wanting to leave this cozy, firelit scene of tranquility, a respite in the hellfire. but he knows he must. he tells himself he will return to help, but in his heart he knows that is impossible.

how Scho does not want to kill Baumer, because he has seen enough of death. how Baumer is young, maybe younger than Blake, and they are both afraid. how he and Scho stare at each other, two boys who miss their families and mothers and homes, how Scho shushes the enemy because he does not want him to die. he is just a boy. but as soon as Baumer screams Scho knows there is no mercy. not in war. not when Blake's brother could be walking into a deathtrap. so he wraps his hands around the boy's throat and pins him to the ground and he kills. there is no mercy in war. he repeats it to himself as he squeezes the air from Baumer's lungs.

thinking about how Scho runs desperate, panicked, flailing through the streets, careening and dazed, still reeling from Baumer's last chokes of air. how he sees the bridge and remembers Lauri telling him about the river and throws himself off as the bullets sing behind him. how he crashes into the water and comes up, gasping, choking, struggling to stay afloat, but his clothes are waterlogged and he is exhausted and the river is hungry. how he fights to stay above water, gasping, flailing through the rapids, trying desperately to grab on to anything he can reach, choking and trying to breathe. how he is thrown against the rock in the rapids, how he will drown if something does not change. he tumbles over the falls like a corpse, limp and helpless, splashing into the churning waters below. finally free from the jaws of the rapids, he seizes a branch and clings to it, and exhaustion drags him down and he chokes on the river.

thinking about how he slowly becomes aware of the cherry petals, how he sees them and freezes because they were the last thing Blake spoke of. "they'll grow again when the stones rot." And Schofield flips himself over, and swims towards the bank, because he is not dead yet and neither is Blake's brother, and he will not let him die.

thinking about how he approaches the bank and sees the corpses, floating at the edge, and he pauses and looks for a way around them before realizing there is none. how he climbs over first one, then two, then more and more, tumbling and rolling, trapped amid the bloated bodies, panicking. how slight hyperventilation has begun as he claws his way through the corpses and remembers the feel of the rotting soldier on his palm. how he drags himself from the river, choking, panting, and falls to his hands and knees and sobs with the anguish of a child who cannot hold back the tears, because everything has finally caught up with him and he cannot stop it any more.

how he hears the singing and thinks he must be hallucinating. how he wanders through the trees, wind brushing past him and stirring the leaves, mingling with the haunting song from afar. how he approaches the company of soldiers seated beneath the trees, and slows, because he is unsure if they are real, or if they are ghosts like him. he must be dead. he must be dreaming. he sits on the ground and leans against a tree and accepts that he is a spirit, lost amongst the trees.

thinking about how the men group around him and ask if he's all right, and his voice is weak and strained and feeble, and he is still trapped in the realm of the dead. and then he looks up in utter shock, because after a night of terror he has found the Devons, and the end of his goal is in sight. save Joe. save Blake's brother. his fate is in your hands.

how even though his face is not visible, there is so much horror in him when he sees the men funneling into the trench, a dusty white scar against an emerald landscape. how he shoves his way through the soldiers desperately, not caring about anything but saving these men, saving Joe. for Blake. do it for Blake. his footsteps carry him on, and he forces through the men with abandon. thinking about how he is so panicked, but the lieutenant ignores him and sends him on his way in rage. how Scho stumbles on, trying to find anyone who will listen.

and then. how Scho sees the devastation, how he knows what the field beyond the trench is like because he has seen it before. but he climbs up anyway, pausing just once. "Are you bloody insane?" and he hesitates, fear clouded on his face before he pushes it away. because yes, he is insane. he is insane, and he is determined, and he will not let them die. "What the hell are you doing, Lance Corporal?"

and he runs.

He builds in speed, sprinting, flying across the field. slamming into men, rolling on grass as shells explode around him in sprays of grass and mud and shrapnel. there is screaming and yelling and he runs. he has no energy left, but he forces himself onward, because he will not let these men die. he will not let Blake's brother perish. and then, finally, he crosses the field of death and Colonel Mackenzie is mere yards away. and the orderlies try to stop him, wrestle him out of reach, but he is desperate. he does not care. he fights them, and he stumbles into the dugout, and there is Colonel Mackenzie. the end is in sight.

thinking about how, on top of everything, after a day and a half of terror, exhaustion, hunger, and grief, Scho staggers up to Mackenzie, concussed, bloody, and panicked, and shoves the letter at him. and after everything, no one believes him. no one wants to listen, and he's near tears. he's desperate, because he's done all of this for Blake, and now they will not listen. there is such a rawness in his voice as he pleads. there is such a fractured heartbreak in his desperation. "sir, read the letter," he begs. and Mackenzie rips it from his hands with disdain.

thinking about how Scho, already traumatized at the start of 1917, endured so much fear and grief and desperation, only to be treated like he's less than dirt when he finally reaches the end. not a kind word. nothing. just told to eff off by a man who had no idea that he just went through hell and back. a man who is too inconvenienced, too high up to see the grief and pain and exhaustion in a lowly lance corporal's eyes.

thinking about how Scho searches desperately for Joe, hopelessness filling his gaze as he wanders among the wounded with the stench of bloody death in his nostrils. how a soldier babbles that he wants his mother, and Scho cannot help but think of Blake's last request. Tell her I wasn't scared. He wanders out into a field, dazed. staring into the sunlight, certain that he failed.

thinking about how he finally finds Joe, moving towards him in shocked relief because he is not a corpse, and gives him Blake's belongings. about how he asks if he can write to their mother. how he talks about Blake always telling funny stories, something he took for granted, because you never miss things until they are gone. "he saved my life," he says, and likely he means it in more ways than one. Blake didn't just unbury him from the rubble. he saved Scho from himself, from the hell of his trauma.

thinking about how in the end, Scho brushes off Joe's offer of food and wanders into the field to sit beneath a tree, alone. he pulls out his tobacco box and opens it, brushing his fingers over the faces of his wife and girls. Come back to us. He wants to, so badly. He hated going home, but he needs it more than anything else on earth. The sun is warm on his face, and the grass is fresh and sweet, and if he sits still, he can almost imagine Blake lying near him, helmet over his face as he dozes, not a care in the world. alive. breathing and alive.

there are things still worth living for. the war has not claimed him, nor will it, because he has chosen to live. "hope is a dangerous thing," he was told, and yet he sits and closes his eyes, and he hopes.

#long post #very long post. I am sorry but also I have no regrets #also don't judge this is literally just word vomit ajdskj #I didn't really look over it before posting so #schofield #william schofield #thomas blake #1917 #1917 film #blake #blake and schofield #lauri #joe blake

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