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satohqbanana · 6 months

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Dragonmage Pact

Drakenveyond AU times. Please enjoy this outline/summary/zero draft/whatever you call it.

I should probably write out some lore-related stuff next, if only to explain more of what exactly is going on here. It's actually more Aveyond than Drakengard; all I borrowed from DOD are lore and themes. (Also, I'm sorry that there are no evil flowers here that wishes to take over the world with flower power. I tried going that route once - I even had character designs in mind - but I just didn't like the ideas coming out of it. Fortunately, though, there's less fratricide.)

Summary: The world's most compassionate nymph incarnate and the world's most selfish noble enter a pact to save themselves from certain death, when an army of tireless, undead soldiers besiege it. Now bound as a duo of a large talking dragon and a nonverbal mage, Rhen and Lars navigate through their new self/ves, regroup with the other nymph incarnates and their guardians, and find a way to safely undo the pact. (And maybe save the world along the way as well.)

Warnings: Deaths; lots of deaths. Like major character deaths. Because there are deaths, there are also some killings. The nature of people's relationships are also mostly vague. Also this is way too long.

Edit: Added titles to parts to help any poor soul navigate this huge thing.

...

Part 1: The Curse of the Pact

A man named Ahriman is known to be the most powerful sorcerer of the land. While his actual abilities are limited to mind control, revival magic, and energy blasts, he is quite cunning. He protects himself by hypnotizing priests to defend him and hide his presence, and he manufactures an army by revitalizing the bodies of fallen warriors and using mind control to make them hack away endlessly.

He has once tried to take over the world before, and after a grand war with the Chief Goddess and her nymph daughters, has been sealed into a deep sleep. However, a prince who wanted power for his own reawakens him. After slaying the foolish prince and enslaving the boy's army, Ahriman's first target is the Kingdom of Thais. Rhen, the incarnation of a nymph who resides there as some saint figure, manages to escape the invasion.

While hiding in a nearby town, her foes catch up and seriously injure her. Fortunately, she finds Lars, a young traveling mage on the verge of death himself. To extend their lives, they hesitantly form a pact by merging their then-fractured souls. A pact is a magical contract that gives life and power to those who are willing to give up their most precious possessions. In this pact, it takes Rhen's identity and transforms her into a dragon, and it takes the main source of Lars' power, his speech.

Their relationship starts off rocky; neither one is willing to cooperate. As pact partners, they always hear each other's thoughts in their heads, and what wounds one gets, the other feels.

One of their first arguments goes like this: Rhen wants Lars to carry her now-useless possessions, one of which is a sword; he thinks they're uncool and she can carry them by herself once he gets them strapped across her body. She insults him by telling him he's basically an ordinary guy with no abilities, which forces him to carry the sword if only to look cool and powerful.

Their next major point of contention involves the treatment of their foes, majority of which happen to be brainwashed mortals. As the incarnate of the nymph of compassion, Rhen pities them; as a nobleman who thinks of himself first, Lars does not. They argue on the methods of dealing with these foes, on whether simply disabling them will keep them down long enough, on whether killing them is merciful or not, on whether a foe should simply disintegrate or deserved to be tortured with wounds before dying.

However, because Lars is unable to communicate efficiently and use stronger magic, and Rhen's current appearance frightens a lot of people which also affects her communication, the two realize they need each other. They form a truce that will take effect until they find a way to safely undo their pact and unbind their lives - because they have things to do and places to be, and they cannot afford to be tied down to each other until the end of time.

Part 2: The Incarnates and Their Guardians

Lars lets Rhen take him along to the other nymph incarnates, as they may know of a way to unbind the pact or so. Hence, they travel to the Land of the Mysten Far, where an older nymph incarnate, Talia, resides. To Rhen's relief, Talia is still alive and recognizes her from her aura. Talia informs her that one of the other nymph incarnates have fallen, so they must gather the rest before Ahriman's forces destroy them all. Hence, Talia and her guardian Devin joins them.

On the way to the next nymph incarnate, Talia learns that Rhen's guardian isn't Lars, but a healer named Dameon. Rhen confesses she hasn't seen Dameon since the fall of Thais, where they got separated. She cannot detect where he is and thinks he has been killed. Talia criticizes Rhen for forming a pact with a mortal to extend her life instead of reincarnating, for pacts are the double-edged blades of the desperate. Rhen however deems the pact a necessity for now, as haphazardly breaking it will kill her needlessly.

Meanwhile, Devin attempts to teach Lars swordfighting as an extra layer of defense, but fails terribly due to the lack of verbal communication. So, Devin helps him get books on magic in hopes of learning more spells that do not require speech.

Talia and Devin also notice that, while Rhen and Lars more or less accept each other as their pact partner, the two still have much room for improvement with regards to their new selves. Rhen is still clumsy with her dragon form, and Lars still struggles with non-verbal spells. Rhen assures Talia that this situation is only temporary and thus they would not require mastering their new selves. Talia doubts as there is no wide-known way to unbind a pact, but lets it be, since the two would simply end up frustrated.

The group arrives at the Kingdom of Harburg. There they find the next nymph incarnate, Mel, and her new guardian, Spook. Rhen and Lars temporarily part ways with their growing team to seek knowledge on pacts and magic based on Spook's lead, but find their journey to be a diversion when it drags on and Lars cannot sense potent magic in the area.

The two rush back to Mel - right on time. Talia had been drugged and lays unconscious, while due to thwarting an assassination attempt on Mel, Devin pays with his life. Spook reveals himself to be an excellent mercenary hired by Ahriman.

Rhen and Lars struggle in their battle against Spook. Spook has a form of power from both Mel and Ahriman. Several times Rhen has to defend Lars, but fails to counterattack. Several times, Lars tries to attack Spook, but is easily overpowered. Eventually, after much challenge, the pair manage to strike Spook down, but he rises, bloody and still full of life. As he lunges for an attack, Mel stabs him from behind, announcing that the incarnate chooses her guardian, and she chooses him to stop being hers.

Talia awakens and mourns for Devin. Meanwhile, both Rhen and Lars are mortified at their weakness and their reliance on the pact. Rhen, having been a swordsmistress herself prior to the pact, decides to mentor Lars in some form swordsmanship. Lars, as a master of magic theory, decides to help Rhen master her abilities as a dragon. Together, they discover that her sword can be a conduit for non-spoken magic, and that Rhen can now use the power of song, amplified by her bigger draconic lungs.

Meanwhile, Ahriman's forces grow ever bigger and stronger. He knows where Rhen and her team hides, for he uses her connection with her guardian, Dameon, to find her. Dameon is one of his priests now, having been corrupted by his desire to protect Rhen. Ahriman keeps him busy by preparing the ritual ground for the rebirth of the world in the Temple of Rebirth.

Part 3: Partners' Bonds

Back to the nymph incarnates, Mel informs the team that she had "lent" her former guardian, Edward, to a fellow incarnate, Stella, and suggests they visit her next. However, Talia prevents them from doing so just yet, as they do not have guardians strong enough to help them defend themselves, even with Rhen and Lars' pact or newfound skills. The powerlessness stings both Rhen and Lars with much humiliation and frustration.

They find Talia's words true enough during an ambush. Fortunately, a banished paladin and his vampress pact partner finds and rescues them: Galahad and Te'ijal. Though reluctant, the nymph incarnates employ the two to chaperone them. Galahad immediately takes to the task, while Te'ijal only agrees to add spice to her life.

As they travel together, the group learns of the duo's past. Galahad was loyal to a fault; he once served the corrupt King of Sedona, and in the greedy king's conquests, Galahad almost died. Te'ijal found him in this state, and since she had nothing better to do, she formed a pact with him. Their pact turned Galahad's right arm to stone and took Te'ijal's immortality, but thanks to it, Te'ijal has lightning speed and stealthy, silent movements, while Galahad has super strength that extends to the sword he uses. When Galahad went back to his King, he was dubbed a monster and therefore banished. Te'ijal on the other hand cannot live as a vampire would normally do, so she decided to make her days as fun and exciting as possible by persistently buzzing around Galahad. Galahad has survived thus far thanks to the blessed armor he wears, which automatically moves him out of the way from perceived oncoming threats.

The duo also learn of the nymph incarnates' agenda in full. Many centuries ago, in a grand war against Ahriman and his daevas, the destructive forces almost ripped apart the multiple realms of Aia. To keep the realms stable, the Chief Goddess of the World used herself and her daughter nymphs as Holy Seals. However, the power to keep the Holy Seals intact robbed them of immortality, so the seven goddesses must now reincarnate every few decades. The incarnation process is quick, but Ahriman aims to kill all seven incarnates within months to end the cycle, destroy Aia, and create a new world with him as the Chief God. The nymph incarnates now aim to gather their kin to unite their powers and use it to seal Ahriman and heal the world.

In silence, Lars supposes that this plan would also rob the incarnates of their lives and ultimately do as Ahriman plans. Rhen hears his thoughts and replies that if the incarnates are going down, then so is Ahriman. They agree it is not wise to keep the pact until such a time, and they must make haste.

The group soon reach the Kingdom of Naylith, which is currently being besieged by Ahriman's forces. They wade through the battle and successfully find Stella and Edward deep under the Naylithian caverns. While wounded, the pair are not in grave danger.

As the group recuperates from the weary fighting, Rhen and Lars find an old library and uncover different ancient scriptures that speak of sword magic, song magic, and dragon magic. With Lars being a fast reader and Rhen being quick to process magic, they take advantage of their shared mindspace to absorb the knowledge. Neither would admit it, but one or both of them at the time thought, 'Are pacts really so bad?'

Meanwhile, Galahad watches the other nymph incarnates. He thinks they are too young to be going through such a tragic fate. Stella appreciates the care, Mel finds that patronizing, and Talia laughs and calmly explains that their souls are older than anyone else's; it's their bodies and personalities that changes with every incarnation. Te'ijal then tells the three that Galahad doesn't 100% believe in magic and may not even fully believe that they are the highest-level deities only second to the Chief Goddess.

Before any argument can ensue, Edward suggests they leave immediately before the enemy can find them. Talia agrees with this and gets Te'ijal to retrieve Rhen and Lars from the library.

As the group leaves, Ahriman's forces follow them, so they split: Rhen and Lars will distract them, while Mel, Stella, Edward, Talia, Galahad, and Te'ijal make their escape. Rhen and Lars with their newfound powers decimate their pursuers - and immediately regret not taking any of their other companions with them.

Meanwhile, the other group struggle with the new addition to Ahriman's army: cyclopses manufactured from alchemizing people into one being. The fact renders Stella distraught and Mel has to calm her down. Talia, Edward, Galahad, and Te'ijal deal with the cyclopses. As the group triumphs, a weakened cyclops makes a final attempt to fight and takes Edward with it.

The two teams reunite. With the loss of Edward, Galahad offers himself as a guardian to the incarnates, but Talia says he shouldn't enter another contract with his pact intact. The guardian contract, like the pact, relies on binding lives together, so that the guardian may use a weaker form of the nymph's power. However, the guardian gets to live as long as their nymph incarnate lives in order to serve her sufficiently. As such, the nymph incarnates are sensitive creatures who assigns only those close to their hearts as their guardians, for the guardians are granted eternal life and youth, until they are killed in battle. As thus, the guardian contract is not something to make too light of, nor something that any stranger could be offered with.

Rhen and Lars briefly entertain the thought of having a guardian contract instead of a pact - then the guardian contract with the pact. Neither like it - Rhen does not think Lars can sufficiently aid her that way, while Lars dislikes the idea of having to actually serve somebody with his life.

Part 4: Conflicted Souls

Their next destination is the Kingdom of Sedona. As a banished paladin, Galahad stays behind. Something's off: the supposed nymph incarnate there, Lydia, is flaunting off her power at a time when incarnates needed to hide. She also has amassed a battalion of guardians. Furthermore, they do not sense the aura of a nymph from within her. The incarnates decide she is a fake and they ought to expose her, but where would the real one be?

They find the real nymph incarnate hiding in one of Sedona's provincial towns, Dirkon: Ingrid. She has her guardian, Boyle, with her. As the other older incarnate aside from Talia, she advises the rest to ignore the fake and proceed with their task, as the last nymph has been recently reincarnated and must be protected in her frailness. To boot, the goddess incarnate is being attacked in the Elven Vale. But the younger incarnates are stubborn about exposing Lydia.

Hence the group decides to split: Mel, Stella, and Te'ijal to confront Lydia and expose the fraud; Talia, Ingrid, and Boyle to find the new nymph; and Rhen, Lars, and Galahad to rendezvous with the goddess incarnate. They would later meet up in the Vale.

As the latter two teams leave, they are ambushed by Ahriman's forces. Lars finds their presence suspicious and wonders if, upon the death of the guardian, the contract expires. Rhen first considers dissolving the guardianship, but eventually decides against it. Even if he has betrayed her, Dameon is still important to her. So, the pact partners decide to sit down and meditate. Eventually, Rhen divines where Dameon is, and it's in the Temple of Rebirth, where he is trying to revive armies for Ahriman.

Devastated at the discovery, she falls into deep silence. She has no idea what she now feels for Dameon, and whether she wants him now to kill him to keep her memories of him "pure", to make him suffer for his betrayal, or to forgive him, if that will make him stay by her side again. Without her to verbally communicate for them, Lars tries to aggressively sign and gesture their way into being understood, a task made more challenging with Rhen's thoughts dominating his own. Galahad is confused. They're all frustrated.

Meanwhile, Mel, Stella, and Te'ijal observe the situation in Sedona. Despite the fraud, Lydia's "guardians" do have powers of their own. Hence, Mel uses her and Stella's status as incarnates to openly request a meeting with Lydia, which Lydia agrees to.

The confrontation turns into a battle of philosophies. Lydia claims that ordinary people need hope at a time of war and destruction, and she wishes to be that beam of hope. Mel accuses her of wanting to fulfill that role so that she could take advantage of the people's desperation and claim power, riches, and fame. As the two argue, Stella notices the peculiar necklace Lydia is wearing. Te'ijal acknowledges the jewelry as a soul pendant - one that binds people's souls to the bearer - hence Lydia is indeed controlling all her "guardians".

Heartbroken at this piece of information, Stella attempts to snatch the pendant from Lydia. Lydia puts up a struggle and calls her "guardians" to intervene. Mel and Stella hurry to fight Lydia alone, leaving Te'ijal to find creative ways to hold off the fake guardians. Lydia casts a strong spell, but Stella pushes Mel away to receive the attack in her place.

Angered, Mel relentlessly attacks Lydia. In the scuffle, the pendant slips away from their fingers and lands next to Stella. Stella manages to toss it out the window and smashes it to pieces. Lydia's control over the fake guardians vanishes, and she finds herself subjected to the mob's fury. However, the rest of Sedona gets thrown into massive hysteria and civil unrest at the loss of their "incarnate". Te'ijal immediately whisks the two incarnates away.

Meanwhile, Dameon grows weary of waiting in the Temple of Rebirth and working for Ahriman. Ahriman assures him that Rhen will soon come to see him, so he should prepare to welcome her. Dameon knows that dissolving a pact will require the contractees to give up yet another part of themselves, but he knows that the Egg of Resurrection, a relic within the temple, will help Rhen dissolve the pact without giving up her life.

At the Vale, the nymphs' group reunite. Talia, Ingrid, and Boyle brings along the last incarnate, Myst, who they found wandering by herself along a seashore. Talia gets everyone up to date with Te'ijal and Galahad's help, but Rhen stays quiet.

The group are met with a resistance force - at their head the guardian of the goddess incarnate, Ean. The resistance immediately serves the incarnates with food and bed. Stella's condition is serious, but she is unafraid to die now that the incarnates are all together again.

As the group enjoys a warm, hearty meal after long days of hiding and getting by on the road, the goddess incarnate makes herself known. She is a young girl named Iya, which concerns Galahad. Iya informs them that she had always dreamed of the events that now occur, but not many believe her, for the land itself was dying and the people's faith has decreased rapidly over the years. She foresees none of the current incarnates would continue the cycle - they were the last iteration in their lifetime. The power of the goddess has waned. At this, the incarnates fear - sans Myst, who is yet to understand her role, and Rhen, who is still deep in thought about Dameon.

Since Lars' head is filled with Rhen's endless questions and self-blame, he has been forced to simply follow the others' lead. Through this experience, Lars supposes that the pact had prioritized his voice over Dameon's, the way Rhen's thoughts sometimes drowns out his own, which is why Rhen hadn't been able to contact him. He takes the opportunity one morning, once they awoke, to ask Rhen if her connection with Dameon went down after they made their pact. Rhen confirms this, temporarily shifts blame on Lars, then apologizes to him and blames herself again.

The group's respite ends as the resistance informs them of the arrival of Ahriman's army. The nymphs and their allies deploy into the battleground to push the enemy away.

As the others prepare for what might be the last stand of all that is good in the world, Iya informs Rhen and Lars about the Temple of Rebirth and the Egg of Resurrection. The temple's powers does not only revive what has been slain or manufacture homunculi from parts that once lived. It also helps someone rebirth themself like a phoenix. Though Iya is unsure what will happen to their pact, the Egg will help Rhen regaining her nymph form and Lars his speech. That goads the pact partners into action and revitalizes Rhen once more.

As they leave, Lars hesitates. His thoughts are strong enough to make Rhen stop in her tracks as well. As Rhen asks Iya for permission to desert their post in the battlefield, Iya notes that the two of them seem so in-sync, like they have merged into one being. Nonetheless, despite the direness of the situation, Iya allows the two to head to the temple.

However, as Galahad assists the resistance, Te'ijal accuses him of curiosity towards Rhen, Lars, their pact, and their business in the Temple of Rebirth. At Te'ijal's insistence, Galahad decides to tell Iya and the other incarnates he will follow Rhen and Lars to assure their safe return. Though Talia, Mel, Stella, and Ingrid are unsure about this, Iya assures the group that this is for the best as well. Te'ijal whisks Galahad away to quickly catch up with Rhen and Lars.

The resistance reports to Iya that the enemy is surrounding them. The incarnates then stay in a magic room that would harness their energy, which then Ean and Boyle as guardians could use against Ahriman's forces and keep them away. Through Ean, Iya summons great divine beasts to aid the resistance. Until Rhen, Lars, Galahad, and Te'ijal return, all they could do is stand their ground.

With the power of the incarnates, the resistance manages to push back Ahriman's forces. Their victory and celebrations are short-lived. The battle continues; supplies dwindle and spirits dissipate. Ahriman's army is neverending. The walls to their fort are beginning to crumble under the enemy's onslaught.

Then the sky turns red. Iya's summons go down. Cyclopses tear through the Vale's fort. Wyverns cast hail storms. Massive armies of undead, tireless soldiers march through. The incarnates are forced to take arms and face the enemy on their own. Iya begins to pray that, whatever Rhen and Lars and Galahad and Te'ijal are doing, they can somehow make their way to Ahriman and take him down.

Part 5: The Seal of the World's Fate

At the Temple of Rebirth, Rhen and Lars go their separate ways - for the first time since they formed their pact.

Rhen eventually finds Dameon, but she can only stay still as he greets her and leads her around the temple. She is surprised that he still recognizes her as herself, when it is the incarnate who chooses her guardian, and Dameon confesses that he knows because he is her guardian. He fails to mention that he knows because he has used his guardian connection with her to identify where she is and has heard reports of a purple dragon among the other nymph incarnates.

Meanwhile, Lars finds the Egg of Resurrection. Through his mental link with Rhen, he sees that Dameon is leading her there, anyway. So Lars awaits with baited breath, not knowing whether to fight Dameon or welcome him as an ally.

However, Ahriman's presence shocks him. The evil sorcerer plans to use the Egg of Resurrection to become a god, and while Lars could care less about the old man's plans, he and Rhen need it to dissolve their pact and live separate lives once again.

Ahriman attempts to discourage Lars from pursuing the Egg of Resurrection, which only activates every 500 years or so. Ahriman uses his magic to subdue Lars and taunts the boy about his powerlessness, his reliance on the pact, and his plans to return to a life that will not be there for him. Lars cannot deny it: he is powerless without his speech, without Rhen, and that he gains only his independence and nothing more if he separates from her.

As Dameon leads Rhen through the temple, she weakens as she feels like being ripped apart. She realizes that the other incarnates are falling one by one, and the toll of the Holy Seal weighs heavily on her. She begs Dameon to take her to her sisters, but he instead convinces her to pursue the Egg of Resurrection, as she can locate their new incarnations later. She tries to explain Iya's prophecy of the last incarnate iterations, but she fails. With no other choice, she could only crawl behind him, plagued once again with self-doubt and self-blame.

Dameon then arrives at the Egg with Rhen in tow. Rhen is not in a good spot; the shared emotional turmoil between herself and Lars is too much. Lars too has almost succumbed to Ahriman's taunts. They thrash about on the temple grounds trying to ground themselves and fight invasive thoughts.

The sight worries Dameon, but Ahriman tells him to prepare the Egg of Resurrection. Ahriman has planned to use Dameon all along to simply activate the relic, and when the Egg is ready, Ahriman intends to swiftly kill everyone before using it for himself.

Fortunately, Galahad and Te'ijal arrive. Ahriman engages them in battle. The two understand they are no match for Ahriman's power, but they need to keep his attention divided. First, Te'ijal threatens to disrupt the activation of the Egg of Resurrection, and as Ahriman turns around to face her, Galahad attempts to land a hit. Next, Te'ijal gets the genius idea to make a show of trying to kill Rhen. That distracts Dameon, which annoys Ahriman, but Ahriman understands that to fully prepare the Egg, he needs Dameon's powers. Ahriman has no choice but to try to protect Rhen, Lars, Dameon, and the Egg - which proves difficult, when the Egg is a huge spheroid on one side of the hall, and Rhen in her current form is a huge dragon on the other side.

As the chaos ensues, Rhen manages to crawl over to Lars. Their thoughts never seem to settle down, and at one point the self-blame has began to bounce off each other. They also recall Iya's words - they must be becoming into one being, the final curse of the pact. The mental images horrify them as their own visions begin to divide, perhaps merge into one, in which they could see themselves from each other's eye.

Now, their thoughts begin to echo. Or perhaps, one of them is echoing the other's thoughts. They can no longer tell. Is this why the pact is a deadly contract? But didn't they grow stronger in different ways through the pact? What about the things they lost through the pact? The things they gained through the pact? The pact had much to offer, but much to take! The pact is too much to bear on one's soul!

At the thought of their souls, they realize one thing - their souls have already merged. Their thoughts get in a messy feedback loop because they are only one entity in the first place.They are reliant on the pact because they are already one being, in two separate bodies and two separate consciousnesses. The same way a single person fails to accomplish anything when they make two opposing decisions at once, these two cannot do much on their own when they fail to agree.

The single entity they are commands their bodies to get back up. Fortunately for Lars, Ahriman has become too busy trying to swat away Te'ijal and Galahad. Fortunately for Rhen, Dameon has finished preparing the relic. The entity demands that its soul be taken to the Egg. And so, Lars and Rhen summon their merged soul and walk towards the Egg, phase through its shell, and merge with it.

Meanwhile, Ahriman fumes at being played around with by Te'ijal and Galahad. He cannot let himself be outwitted by a mortal man whose lifeline had only extended through the pact, or a vampire who takes him too lightly. First, he tricks Galahad into harming Te'ijal, resulting in Galahad's sword stabbing her. Te'ijal falls from the immense pain, as does Galahad who is mentally linked with her. Then, Ahriman takes Galahad by the head, preparing to behead him - the quickest way to counter the effects of the blessed armor, which does not cover his head.

Suddenly, immense power pulsates throughout the temple. Ahriman shrieks - his plan has failed. His gambit with Dameon has come to bite him back.

The Egg of Resurrection cracks open, the first time since its previous 500-year-or-so slumber. A bright light engulfs the temple. When light dissipates, two pairs of wings unfurl in the air: one white and scaly and the other black and feathery. From the Egg rises Rhen, now in her nymph incarnate form, scales covering parts of her, and Lars, with horns on the sides of his head and feathers on areas matching Rhen's scale placements.

Lars can now speak, and his first words are expletives towards both Ahriman and Dameon. Though initially delighted, Dameon agonizes when he realizes the pact had not been dissolved, but rather strengthened. He pleads for Rhen to reconsider her choices, that giving up the pact will not be lethal for her, but she ignores his words. Instead, she takes him by his clothes. Lars assists Galahad and Te'ijal to their feet, and the group fly to a higher area of the temple, away from Ahriman's wrath.

Ahriman, humiliated, tries to do something, anything with the cracked Egg. There is no power from within it, so he resorts to using his own accumulated power to transform himself. To do this, he harnesses back all the magic he used to power all his army. He would later gain the power to be a god, after he kills Rhen.

Back in the Vale, the remaining resistance members are dumbfounded to find their enemies disintegrate into the air. They do not know what to make of it, but they are at least safer for a longer while. They recoup and survey the casualties. Ean finds Iya having been slain while trying to protect Myst, who too has perished. Boyle has died alongside Ingrid. Mel and Stella are lifeless next to each other. At last, he finds Talia, who is barely alive.

She tells him to gather the incarnates' bodies around her. She knows Rhen still lives, so Talia will use her remaining life to transfer the incarnates' now-dormant essences and powers to Rhen (and Lars). Ean does as he is told, and after completing the short ritual, Talia passes away.

The resistance mourns. The incarnates are gone. Their fate is still bleak. What will happen now?

When they exit the temple, the pact pairs are aghast at the discovery of a red sky. The ground rumbles, and they find Ahriman having transformed himself into a huge black beast with multiple limbs and no eyes, covered in all sorts of forbidden runes. He cannot move from his spot, but still he oozes with power. Rhen scolds Dameon for this mess, and as she does so, feels the surge of incarnate power within her.

Lars interprets Iya's prophecy as having come true. With the incarnates becoming one with Rhen, they now have acquired a goddess's power, or perhaps even greater. They would now be able to defeat Ahriman. Rhen decides that being merciful will not do anything here, so she swears to go all out on the battle. Hungry for violence and eager to get back at Ahriman, Lars agrees to this.

Ahriman summons hoards of unearthly creatures to aid him. Rhen reminds Dameon that it is the incarnate who chooses her guardian and not the other way around. She then uses the fraction of her power in him to summon Iya's divine beasts, now healed through the combined incarnate essences, and incites them to battle with Ahriman's new legion. Galahad and Te'ijal are to protect Dameon with what they can, as he acts as proxy commander to the divine beasts.

Rhen and Lars then fly to Ahriman, who creates more creatures to try and stop them. However, their magic has been amplified, so the pair easily defeats his new minions. They find, however, that Rhen's nymph magic and Lars' verbal spells do not work against Ahriman's new form. Rhen also sees that his magic is sufficiently countering theirs, so Lars suggests using the power of song instead.

The song they possess sounds like a harrowing banshee cry, with metallic bell-like tingles and sonorous cries reverberating alongside the noise. Back on ground, Dameon, Galahad, and Te'ijal cover their ears, disturbed by the haunting, broken melody that repeated over and over. The song magic casts destructive power onto Ahriman, and since he cannot move, he can only helplessly absorb this power that he does not know how to counter. Soon, his aura falters. His large body cracks into a hundred pieces and crumbles into black ashes.

The red sky brightens into a blue hue, and the sun is high up the clouds. In the unsure silence, Rhen feels the weight of the Holy Seal. She now shares the burden with Lars, but they still count for one entity. And, while they are safe right now, the one entity they are makes them a big target. If one of them perishes, this will also undo the Holy Seal. Rhen then thinks that with the goddess' power now in them, she could safely fragment their identity as one being into many different pieces they can scatter around the world. Lars isn't too fond of the idea, but agrees that there isn't any better choice.

Galahad wants to volunteer for the role (again), but Te'ijal beats him to saying it out loud. She expresses that she and Galahad wish to take a bigger role, no that their charges are gone and one with Rhen. Besides, her body having been stabbed by his sword is no longer as useful as before.

Though parts of the Temple of Rebirth is in shambes, some of its relics stay intact. Rhen makes Dameon draw power from the relics and do the ritual to transfer the seal onto Galahad and Te'ijal's shared soul - revealed to have not been completely merged like Rhen's and Lars' - then separate the shared soul into a thousand or so stable self-contained fragments, and spread these fragments across the world.

With no other way to show their gratitude for the companionship throughout their journey, Rhen and Lars share hugs and promises with Galahad and Te'ijal as they begin to vanish. Dameon completes the ritual and the starlight-like fragments scatter throughout the world. They all watch until the last glimmer of light disappears into the distance, before deciding to head back to the Vale, reunite with what is left of the resistance, and figure out what to do next.

But for now, the world is safe once more.

(Notes here for clarifications.)

#big shrug #i'm free of this mess finally #it's actually a nice mess tbh #but i wish to move on thank you #annelaurant writing #aveyond

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silver-heller · 2 months

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Hi again! I hope you don't mind me rambling. Also thanks for answering my questions! ^^ (Warning this is really long cause infodump, also a suprise at the end.):

I just dreamed a random dreamed where Wick confronts his sister aka Maristella. And then they reunited after a bit of a talking only of Maristella to syringe over the back his neck in sudden force. Shocking him as he look over to her eyes, they were filled with remorse, something that Wick rarely ever seen. He felt she embraced him tigthly whispering to his ears.

"I am very sorry my dear brother.." She softly whispering. His eyes submerged into to the pit of darkness, sleeping.

●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●

Maristella or Maire in my 'au' called Orchids jewelries.(A temporary name)

A sister of Wick who has been gone for a while, she once wrote a letter to Wick and Susannah (another younger sister of Wick) that she only been out for a 'vacation' to take a break at her job, however stopped sending letters to them causing her relationship to Wick and Susannah to drift away. (She works as a dressmaker. Credits to my moot who helped me.)

In reality she may have half lied about it. The reason why Maristella haven't came back for like who knows how long, it's because she doesn't want to be involved with the family's drama. And yes she's could've have got married and live somewhere else but she didn't have any interest of those.

Lawrence (Wick's twin) asked Maristella for help as he unintentionally got framed, being accused of it. Hence Maristella helped him in a exchange for a deal.

One is keep the secret to prevent anyone knowing especially the family. Lawrence knows the true reason why Maristella left in the first place because they had been kept contact discreetly. (They used code names, and often go to private places, however since Maire doesn't really wanna go back, Lawrence just wrote a letter or chat her over a telephone.)

So basically I just spoiled my old au that needed some reworking to do, and is the family a bit mess up? Yes. Now infodumping for my oc's aka Wick's hc sibblings:

Lawrence Sable:

He is the eldest twin. His personality is stoic, strict and harsh twisted with arrogance since. His father raised him as the 'perfect man' so Lawrence once a young lad done several things what his father had told him just to get the approval, even it's meant breaking his bones. Until Wick came in part. because he think Wick wouldn't go ruined over his way to become a 'perfect' since Wick is too timid. Only for that to demolish when his father chose Wick over him. Hence he grew a resentment towards the family, moreso gaining a rocky relationship towards his own twin. Summary he is the more colder version of Wick.

While he deeply cares for his family, it's no longer the family he once knew or wanted.

(He's fur color is sliver but with brown undertones, blueish sliver eyes. And has more different markings than Wick usually has.)

(He also feel guilty for almost physically hurting Wick in the past due to releasing his anger, but again he kept his feelings locked. Not really having the courage to say sorry, hence Wick felt intimidated around him.)

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Susannah 'Sookie' Sable:

She is based on the Lackadaisy wiki I just read so this is like my hc of her, unlike Lawrence she's much generous and kind to her family even she knew the heinous side of it. She even comforted Wick once in childhood, after he was forced to shoot a duck, the two buried it to somewhere in the garden together. She visits Wick's mansion often to check him up making sure he has good sleep or have eaten foo. She also greets Lacy too. A mother hen type, she simply refuse to leave until Wick takes a break, that goes same for Lawrence.

I like to headcannon Wick called Susannah 'Sookie' is because for her passion at baking, and that some of the family members loves eating one of her pastries, especially cookies. She and Maristella also used to be really close but grew distant.

(Her design is still not decided, but I want to make her a brunnette, she dyed it over her giner hair. Her fur is much warmer brown color.)

She lives separately from her family, she doesn't really want her daugther to witness the ugly side of it really. Yes Sookie has a daugther named Lumi, Sookie used to be married but soon got divorced because of her husband, who was caught having a affair with another woman leaving her heartbroken.

♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤

Maristella 'Maire' Sable:

Maristella lastly is the youngest but more older than Charlotte (and probably as tall as Wick lol) She's was a former ballerina but soon retired for reasons, which is pure boredom. Maire soon took interest in outfits that were made by her aunt. So she participate on learning historical fashion and soon became a dressmaker. She's more closer to her auntie instead of her own mother, because she felt pressured or irritated whenever their mother is around.

She's seen as a mischievous lady towards her family mainly her 'mother' because of her "rebellious" personality but she didn't care. She's the person would do whatever she please, sassy and cunning, willing to use her brains in situations. Their father loved her for her fierceness personality, though wished she was a boy instead.

(As the design, shes a lilac point siamese, her outfit would be elegant. Yet she won't hesitate to show off different types of outfit for experimenting, a bold kind of lady whether you like it or not.)

Relationship wise: Lawrence and her aren't best term of getting along well as usually the tend to insult each other's face, the good thing is they didn't killed each other. Which a lot of people questioned but brush it off as they only see it as normal sibblings bickering. After Maire left for a vacation, she and Lawrence had been in contact for a year dealing with well... Not good matters. (The two both wanted to deny the fact they care eachother, and that the reason why they are helping eachother is for business only.)

Sookie or Susannah, Maire thinks she's a decent woman, a kind one. In the past She felt much pride when her older sister admired her performance as a ballerina, they are close, but not as close as Wicks. Sadly she had to cut her connections to Sookie.

Next is Wick, her relationship with him is close really close. She finds Wick humorous and intelligent, at the flip side she finds Wick too.. Gullible for his own good. (Thus her being overprotective of Wick whenever a woman was flirting at him.) Shame again she distant herself towards her family.

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Questions:

1. I wonder how would Charlotte react to Lawrence, Susannah, and Maristella? Especially if Sookie had told her she's a aunt now. (Aka Lumi is now her neice.)

2. Not a question but here are scenarios what I think would happened if Charlotte meets them:

•If Lawrence meet Charlotte, let's say he'll treat her as the same he treat his family, distant. Unless if she get herself in secrets Lawrence has been hiding then sadly he'll won't spare her life, besides he had to finish what needs to be done. (He already dislike her.)

•If Susannah meets Charlotte she would try her best to be nice to her like she always does. But that doesn't mean won't call out the things Charlotte done, she just wish Charlotte learn good values like being humble, instead whatever their father did. If Charlotte misbehave towards her daugther then she will be mad at her. (Threatening "You hurt my daugther, and I'll make sure you'll never see the day of the light again." Kind of.)

•If Maire ever meets Charlotte after or before she disappeared, then she would absolutely teases and annoy the ever life out of her. Will 100% use her as a bait, revenge for stealing one of her dressing she made.

•••••

Edit: man writing this makes me think they have the most deadly silent akward family meetings or dinners (more akward when Maire left for no reason). They may look like a perfect family in outside, but inside you get a whole mess of a flood.

Also the suprise, I drew some fanart btw. A interpretation of Charlotte, the one in the right (I tried my best so feel free to do some changes.) And featuring Maire, the tall lady wearing a bun is in the left.:

Charlotte if she attempt to talk over Maire:

Eve if she did tried intimidating or insult Maire, it wont work otherwise the result wont be pretty, cause Maire is someone you don't just mess around with. And she's definitely going to use Charlotte weakness as her weapon. (Unless half of the sable sibblings minus Wick and Sookie, declare a war- Not really.)

That's all, thanks for listening my rambling, have a good Day/Night! (Feel free to give feedbacks or anything.)

Oooo, I found them all so interesting! Definitely an intriguing and chaotic collective for sure. I enjoy what you did with each of them to really flesh out the family dynamic.

I imagine Charlotte would be distant with the others, I could see her disliking how cold Lawrence is and Marie's rebellious side. I think she'd be jealous of Sookie though, wanting a family of her own.

Thank you so much for drawing Charlotte, I love it! Charlotte definitely deserves to be put in her place a little.

#undescribed #reddresson👗

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devilsgatewayhq · 1 year

Text

Name: Emiri Tezel Age: 30 Occupation: Tattoo Artist Apprentice and Part-time Bartender at Mad Dog Time living in Tonopah: Native Neighborhood: Downtown Gang Affiliation: Sons of Silence Hangaround Face Claim: Ayca Aysin Turan

Biography:

Born and raised in Tonopah Falls, Emiri’s roots trace back to Turkey through her father. In his early twenties, Serkan Tezel traveled across the pond to the land of the free and settled down in Tonopah, eventually joining the Sons of Silence. Give a few years later and Emiri entered the world, full of joy and love to give. She was brought up learning both Turkish and English in unison, being able to understand every single fight her parents had, actions that had a detrimental effect on how she would grow up to see relationships.

Yet as a young girl she always leaned towards her father, the only parental figure that showed her unconditional love and paid any form of attention to her. Being a “daddy’s girl” was used by her mother bitterly, not affectionately. Chase to a decade later and her parents relationship ended on bad terms due to the toxicity and rockiness from her mother, and to present day, Emiri always makes a solid effort to keep in contact, check in, hold out that hand to get to know her, yet she finds herself lost and wondering if she’s enough.

Throughout her educational years she excelled where she put effort in, though whilst her peers had a set path, a career they had always dreamed of to chase, Emiri didn’t. She liked art, to draw, her creative imagination enabled her to truly lose herself with nothing but calmness as she’d sketched across any surface. Serkan noticed her interest in his own tattoos and introduced her to her first “do it yourself tattoo kit”, allowing her to use his left arm as her practice. The first ink she did for him? Classic smiley face (which is now lost in the full sleeve she has done for him overtime).

Despite being the daughter of an MC member, she didn’t grow up with an urge to copy her father’s life choices, even despite her attachment need to be closer, she found herself having the maternal gene her mother lacked and mid twenties turned back to education, wanting to study and qualify to become a Play Therapist. Realising that she couldn’t help herself, but maybe she could help the younger generation overcome their own trauma.

With her current schedule of nearing the end of her studying, bartending, tattooing professionally, she rarely has time for herself. Not that she minds. Busying her mind is something she has always been able to perfect, Emiri cannot sit still long enough to catch her breath. She likes it that way. She even finds time to bite her father’s ear off about his involvement in the MC, of course she sees the club as family (with it being all she’s ever known) and isn’t shy about who she’s loyal to, yet she still throws her concerns about his age and how she doesn’t want to see him dead in a ditch over family dinner.

Headcanons:

Fluent in Turkish, English, Spanish, and French.

Cannot keep a plant alive, don’t be fooled by her fake ones.

Friends nerd.

She has a vivid imagination (tell her a story and she can see it in her mind).

Suffers from sleep paralysis.

Cousin to Taliah Tezel.

Ed Sheeran’s ‘+’ album is her current all-time favorite.

Doesn’t have a set music genre.

80s music is her go-to when in the kitchen.

Most of her jackets are leather as a nod to her father.

Fight or flight response is always to fight.

Physically tough - got her fighting skills from her father.

Sticks up for the little guy, always. Wouldn’t be able to walk past or ignore somebody being bullied.

One of those sickly people that get up at 5am to go to the gym.

Enjoys puzzles.

Likes to fix what’s broken.

Go to perfume - lancome - la vie est belle.

She knows her boss and her coworker at Prismatic Ink are involved with L.S and tells them to suck it if they ever make digs about her own ties (doesn’t see why her father's MC involvement should stop her from doing something she loves, aka she’s very headstrong and stubborn).

M&Ms are her go-to snack.

Her body is a fairly blank canvas when it comes to tattoos, she sees other people as a canvas rather than her own skin, does has a daisy chain tattoo around her left wrist which covers her burn mark (caused by her mother)

#affiliation: sons of silence.#tv character.#gender: woman.

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tonopahfallshq · 2 years

Photo

Biography:

Born and raised in Tonopah Falls, Emiri’s roots trace back to Turkey through her father. In his early twenties, Serkan Tezel travelled across the pond to the land of the free and settled down in Tonopah, eventually joining the Sons of Silence. Give a few years later and Emiri entered the world, full of joy and love to give. She was brought up learning both Turkish and English in unison, being able to understand every single fight her parents had, actions that had a detrimental effect on how she would grow up to see relationships.

Headcannon:

Fluent in Turkish, English, Spanish, and French.

Cannot keep a plant alive, don’t be fooled by her fake ones.

Friends nerd.

Has a vivid imagination (tell her a story and she can literally see it in her mind).

Suffers with sleep paralysis.

Cousin to Taliah Tezel.

Ed Sheeran’s ‘+’ album is her current all time favourite.

Doesn’t have a set music genre.

80s music is her go-to when in the kitchen.

Most of her jackets are leather as a nod to her father.

Fight or flight response is always fight.

Physically tough - got her fighting skills from her father.

Sticks up for the little guy, always. Wouldn’t be able to walk past or ignore somebody being bullied.

One of those sickly people that gets up at 5am to go to the gym.

Enjoys puzzles.

Likes to fix what’s broken.

Go to perfume - lancome - la vie est belle.

Knows her boss and her coworker at Prismatic Ink are involved with L.B, tells them to suck it if they ever make digs about her own ties (doesn’t see why her fathers MC involvement should stop her from doing something she loves, aka she’s very headstrong and stubborn).

M&Ms are her go to snack.

#emiri tezel.#female.#sons of silence.#tfhq.characters

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yourmidnightlover · 3 years

Text

all my fault

Request: spencer and y/n are married, and they’ve been trying to have kids, and then she finds out she’s pregnant. a few weeks into the pregnancy, she has a miscarriage, and at the hospital the doctor said it’s bc she had an abortion as a teenager, and it fucked up her it yet us. spencer didn’t know she had an abortion, and blames her for the death of the baby, and they end up sleeping separately for a while and they have to grieve by themselves. spencer ends up talking to emily about it bc of her experience and it has a comforting ending!

Summary: when reader has a miscarriage after trying to have a baby with spencer, and things about her past are revealed and leaves things rocky within their relationship.

CW: miscarriage, pregnancy, mention of abortion, spencer’s rly harsh at first, teenage pregnancy, mentions of surgery, a cervix condition that i kinda made up, depressive thoughts, negative self-worth, HAPPY ENDING. *please let me know if i’ve missed anything*

A/N: i’ve been working on coming up with a series, which i posted last thursday! i’m sorry i haven’t been as consistent with my schedule, this summer has really taken a toll on my mental health and school is about to start back up. i promise i’m not quitting writing, but my writing might become a bit more sporadic in terms of my posting schedule. i’m still not sure if i like how i’ve executed this piece, so please let me know what you think!

IMPORTANT A/N: this contains serious topics centered around pregnancy and abortion. reader end up blaming herself and it is a very triggering subject to some. if you aren’t comfortable with those kinds of depressive thoughts PLEASE DONT READ. i don’t want anyone to be triggered by my writing. your mental health matters. you matter. do not read if your sensitive to the subject matter, please!

———————————————————————

when you and spencer checked the third pregnancy test and saw those two, very clear lines on the stick, you felt an unbelievable amount of joy.

“oh my god,” you clamped your hand over your mouth, your eyes welling with tears.

“y/n…” he held his breath, holding your free hand with both of his own.

“you’re gonna be a dad,” you huffed out a laugh as his arms flew around you.

“and you’re gonna be a mom! we’re gonna have our own little family,” he cheered as he breathed in your scent, elated from the news he had hoped for since you said ‘i do.’

spencer had wanted to be a father since he met henry, you remember how attached he was to the child who wasn’t even his own. you hadn’t always wanted children, only when you were absolutely ready for them. now, you were more than ready.

your arms flew around spencer’s neck as his went around your waist. he dropped to his knees and began pressing kisses against a bump that wasn’t even visible yet, praising you and your body for carrying his child.

because it was so hard for you to get pregnant, spencer decided to baby you every chance he got. you didn’t do the dishes or sweep, you weren’t allowed to reach for high shelves or even step on a chair to do so. he was worried about you and the baby, so you let him. you found it endearing.

the perfect man that you married was so worried about the little bean inside of you, worried for your safety, that it drove him a bit mad. who were you to complain? each time he’d do one of the new little quirks like not letting you lift anything above 10 pounds, you just smiled to yourself and brushed it off.

being pregnant was something that you had lost hope for, in all honesty. spencer had been talking to a few friends who had adopted children prior to finding out you were pregnant. if this hadn’t worked out, the two of you were going to look into adoption.

spencer had planned your doctors appointment for 6 weeks after your last period. the appointment was in three days. and then the perfect outline you had for your future went down in crumbles.

you had been having pains in your lower abdomen, and you figured it was just because you were pregnant. you went to the bathroom like you normally would when you felt queasy, kneeling by the toilet in preparation for what was to come. only nothing came.

you decided to just go pee and get back to bed. there was a pain that wasn’t like you’d felt before when you were peeing, like someone had been pulling your intestines out of your body. when you looked down, you felt your stomach drop.

“spencer!” you cried out. “spencer, hurry!” you felt tears well in your eyes until he ran up beside you. his hand was on your thigh as the other one was trying to steady your shaking hand.

“what is… oh,” he looked in the toilet to see blood inside of it.

“spencer… what happened? i don’t know what happened. everything was doing so well and the baby-we just found out and now they’re-wh-what’s gonna happen?” you rambled out, unsure of how something this horrific happened so quickly.

“i-i don’t know, my love,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “i don’t know. but we’ll go to the hospital right now, okay? we’ll get answers.”

you just nodded. you couldn’t speak anymore. you felt your throat closing in on yourself. you cleaned yourself up and got dressed. even looking in the mirror with spencer’s arms around you, you didn’t feel anything but guilt and worry.

spencer’s touch would usually be something to ease your mind and take away the thoughts of everything else around you. only this was something wrong inside of you. you were the problem this time. and you didn’t think anything could fix this feeling.

“let’s get to the hospital, yea?” you nodded as he held onto your hand, trying to ground you to himself as he guided you to the car.

you were silent the entire drive to the doctor. there was nothing to say. there was nothing to do. there was just… nothing. you were numb.

“hey,” he spoke up, “we don’t know what happened yet. there’s a chance it’s just a fluke, right? the baby might be okay.”

“what’re the statistics, spencer? tell them to me,” you ordered as tears flowed from your eyes.

“y/n…”

“tell me! why don’t you want me to know?!” you accused him, looking over at the man driving as he but his lower lip. “1 in 4 women who experience bleeding during a pregnancy are fine. 25 percent. the other 75 percent of people have either a miscarriage or serious complications. those are the statistics.”

“y/n…” he sighed, “it’s not your fault. you didn’t want this to happen. besides, there’s still a 25 percent chance that nothings wrong.”

“whatever,” you rolled your eyes and opted to look out of the window for the remainder of the drive to the hospital.

“alright,” the doctor entered the room. “we have the results from the test and we’ve examined the ultrasound pictures. i’m so sorry, but you’ve had a miscarriage.”

what were you supposed to feel? an overwhelming sense of sorrow? like a failure? like the one thing you wanted most in the world fell through?

“how-how did this happen?” you spoke through the tears. “we were so-we were careful. i didn’t lift heavy objects, i didn’t do repetitive motions, i just… we tried so hard to make this work,” you shook your head in disapproval, as if you wouldn’t accept the answer that had already been proven to you.

“there’s proof of an abortion when you were a teenager. there was severe damage done to your cervix that wasn’t assessed pre-pregnancy. now, we can repair the damage within the next two months, but it will still be difficult to become pregnant after the surgery,” the female informed you.

“then what’s the point of getting the surgery?” you scoffed, looking at spencer who was just staring off in space.

“while getting pregnant will still be difficult, maintaining the pregnancy is much more likely. the fetus would be more protected and secure after the surgery,” she explained with a pitiful smile, you couldn’t help but wonder how she could smile after giving you the worst news of your life.

“right,” you nodded curtly, allowing her to sense the mood of the conversation.

“i’ll leave you two be. i’m so sorry for your loss,” she gave the both of you a pitiful smile before exiting the room, the only sound audible being the closing of the door.

it didn’t feel real. it felt as though you were in a nightmare. only this time, you wouldn’t wake in spencer’s comforting arms. you wouldn’t hear the soft soothing voice of the man you love trying to calm you down. you wouldn’t feel the solace he would provide by merely being himself in your proximity.

the drive home was eerily quiet. there was an inkling of animosity between you. looking over at spencer in the driver’s seat, he had a dead look on his face, the only sign of previous emotion being his red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks. he didn’t even look like your spencer. he looked like a stranger in the drivers seat with a cold expression that you could barely read.

you knew this was something you should talk about. when the nurse came back in the room it was only to offer a few referrals go therapists that specialized in this kind of grief. clearly, any couple should talk about losing an unborn baby. but you knew that’s not what spencer was truly upset about.

you waited until you shut the door to your apartment before saying anything.

“maybe we should talk about it?” you whispered, not knowing how he’d react.

“about what? the fact that you’ve lied to me for our entire relationship?!” he wouldn’t even turn around to face you. “i thought we were in this together, y/n. we aren’t supposed to keep secrets from each other - especially not any that just killed our child!”

“hey…” you winced at his words. “why would you say that?”

“that’s the truth! your choices when you were a teenager just killed our child! my child!” he finally turned to face you, and you wished he hadn’t.

“do you think i knew they would botch my abortion, spencer?! do you think that’s what i wanted?!” you stepped closer to him, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“i don’t know what you want anymore, y/n,” he shook his head, clearly exasperated.

“i want you. i want to get the surgery to fix my cervix. i want to grieve our child. i still want kids… with you, spencer,” you tried to ease the mood, calm him down. you reached your hand out to cup his cheek before he dodged your touch, afraid of touching you. “but you don’t want that?” you whispered so quiet, too afraid of the answer to raise your voice.

“i-“ he sighed and bit his lower lip. “i don’t know.”

“right. of course you don’t,” you shook your head before sitting on the couch, dropping your face in your hands.

“what’s that supposed to mean?” he scoffed as he took off his coat.

“it means that: of course, you’re making this about you! it can’t be about us grieving our loss together like the doctor recommended?!” you peeked between your hands at the man you still didn’t recognize.

“maybe we shouldn’t grieve together since we can’t even have a conversation without getting angry at one another,” he tried to reason.

“the only reason i’m getting mad is because you’re blaming me for my baby’s death,” you spat back at the doctor before you.

“because it’s your fault!” he stood strong in his belief. “when you were a teenager, did you or did you not have an abortion?”

“i did,” you admitted.

“and the nurse said that in said abortion, they screwed your cervix up! if you didn’t have that abortion, our child would still be alive! we would be on our way to become happy parents!” he accused, rubbing salt in the already stinging wound. “it’s your fucking fault!”

“stop saying that,” you shook your head and dropped it back in your hands, trying to hide the tears that began to flow down your face.

“it is, y/n! i can’t believe you’re even trying to say this isn’t!” he chuckled, clearly getting under your skin.

“shut up, spencer!”

“i can’t, y/n!” he sat in the chair across from you before standing back up, too hyper to sit. “no wonder it was so hard for you to get pregnant.”

“spencer,” you begged him to stop, meeting his face with your teary eyes.

“y/n,” he stared you in the eyes, and you saw a glimpse of the man you loved for a second before he retreated to the bedroom.

you sat on the couch in confusion of what had just occurred.

when you were 15, you’re boyfriend was adamant about taking your relationship “to the next step.” you didn’t think you were ready to have sex, but you wanted him to stay with you. so, you gave in. it just so happened to be that you were one of the lucky girls that ends up getting pregnant her first time in spite of birth control and a condom. you couldn’t tell your mom about your pregnancy, she’d have your head on a pole.

so, you earned enough money from your job to get an abortion yourself. you went to a clinic and had your boyfriend’s mom come with you to sign as your guardian. was it smart to get an abortion that cheap? probably not. but you had no other choice. your mom had made it abundantly clear that if she caught you fooling around with him that she’d kick you out.

you were 15. you were young and still had to finish high school. there was no support system for you. you would’ve been on the streets with a little baby - not to mention the amount of debt you’d go into for just giving birth to a child in a hospital. it was the only choice.

and now you were being berated for making the only choice you even had - and by the person you loved most in the world.

you curled into yourself on the couch, laying your head on the arm and crying into the fabric. you released all of the tension and turmoil. you held onto the cushions as if it were the man that you wanted - no, needed to comfort you. because as much as you’d hate to admit it and try to fight those thoughts, part of you thought that spencer was right. it was your fault.

you fell asleep on the couch that night. you didn’t have the strength to get up to grab a blanket so you just sucked it up.

spencer didn’t sleep at all. he was used to having you curled into his chest, or himself on yours. he felt terrible about how he had talked to you, but he was too stubborn to admit anything just yet.

in the middle of the night he went out of the room to grab a glass of water. he saw you curled up in a ball, you head resting on the arm of the couch as you slept. it was the most peaceful you looked in the past 24 hours. but you began shivering as you slept. you were probably too exhausted to get up to do anything.

he went to the hall closet on a detour and grabbed your favorite, soft blanket and laid it on top of your body. after placing a soft kiss on your forehead, he went into the kitchen and made his glass of water before taking one more glance at you. you had snuggled into the blanket, pulling it up to your chin with a gentle smile that always appeared when he kissed your forehead as you slept.

maybe he didn’t screw up too badly, after all.

the next few days were spent avoiding one another. spencer couldn’t face you after knowing you had kept something so dire from him for the entirety of your relationship. you couldn’t face him after he made you feel as though it was your fault you lost your baby.

you would stay on the couch all day, barely eating or drinking anything while spencer would go out - only mentioning the library or the office to do more paperwork. eventually he just started sleeping at morgan’s house - probably because he couldn’t stand being around you.

you didn’t know how to grieve your baby, you were hoping that spencer might help, but that clearly won’t be happening. on top of that, you were worrying about your marriage. he couldn’t even look at you, how was he supposed to talk to you and sleep beside you?

a lot of times, it’s perceived that the only reason women were put on this planet were to have children - of course that’s a false notion, but it didn’t make it sting any less. your body had betrayed you. you had betrayed yourself.

it was only 12 days after spencer left when he came back home, if he could call it that anymore. once he walked into the living room, he saw you curled up in that same position on the couch. you had a blank stare that was directed towards the black tv. the only evidence that you were doing something was the empty water bottles surrounding you - certainly not enough considering he’d been gone for over a week.

when he entered you didn’t even flinch. your gaze stayed on the empty screen and your face remained vacant of any emotion.

in all honesty, morgan was the one to tell spencer he should check on you. spencer hadn’t told him everything about your argument, he knew he was in the wrong. but he was just so angry. regardless, he was here now, and it’s a good thing he was.

you hadn’t been taking care of yourself. spencer had morgan and savannah checking on him, but you had nobody. he only realized this when morgan pointed it out. and as upset as he was, spencer would always love you. your expressionless face only worried him more. your clothes had been changed from when he last saw you, but he doubts you’ve had a shower.

he stayed silent as he began picking up the empty water bottles from around the table and couch. you looked at him quizzically with furrowed brows.

“what’re you doing?” you asked, your chin already quivering as tears threatened to stream down your face.

“i’m trying to help,” he whispered as sensitively as he could, making eye contact with the most pitiful face you’d ever seen.

“i think you’ve helped enough,” you rolled your eyes before resuming your serious stare-down with the television. “you can leave.”

“no, i can’t,” he replied, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch while being sure not to touch you - he didn’t know if you were ready for that.

“you already did,” you brought to his attention, briefly looking at him. “just go.”

“y/n, i-“

“i don’t want to hear it! what’re you gonna say that could make me feel worse, spencer?!” you let the tears fall past your waterline. “i know it’s my fault. i know i screwed up! and i’m sorry! i’m so sorry!” you replied with far too much sincerity, the tears streaming down your face before he scooted closer to you, planning on wrapping his arms around you. “stop! don’t come near me!” you pushed his shoulders away. “it’s my fault,” you lowered your voice significantly before wrapping your arms around yourself.

he had called emily as soon as he got back into the bedroom. he knew she had previously had an abortion when she was a teenager, and he just needed to hear her side of it. part of him didn’t even expect her to pick up the phone.

“reid, what’s wrong?” she immediately answered.

“i-i think i need to talk to you,” he whispered in a hushed tone.

“right now?” she asked in a mildly concerned tone.

“if you can? the sooner the better,” he answered honestly.

“alright. you want to meet somewhere or just come over?”

“can i just come over? it’s really personal and i wasn’t sure who else to go to,” he began tying his shoes and hoping she’d agree.

“of course, come on over,” she replied in a worried voice.

“ok. i’ll be there in twenty.”

he quietly left the apartment, not before sparing you a regretful glance. he lost his child, but you also lost your child as well. he just couldn’t control his anger. and partially, he thought he was right.

how could you not have told him about something so serious? the second you had began having issues getting pregnant, maybe you should’ve been open about previous pregnancies.

“hey,” emily greeted before giving him a hug after seeing his teary eyes. “come inside.”

“thanks,” he sniffled before stepping into her apartment.

she guided him into her living room and sat down on the couch beside him. they sat there for a few silent minutes before he was able to work up enough courage.

“y/n was pregnant,” he whispered, barely audible if she weren’t right beside him.

“was,” she pointed out, already feeling as though she knew the rest of the story.

“she uhm-she miscarried two weeks ago,” he somberly admitted for the first time to someone else. “the doctor said it was because she had an abortion when she was a teenager that somehow ruined her cervix.”

“and that’s why you felt like you needed to talk to me?” she gathered, she was a great profiler for a reason but this was far more obvious.

“i was pretty harsh. i-i told her it was her fault,” he bit his lower lip as he grimaced. “i really rubbed it in, too.”

“spencer… “ she sighed, taking a deep breath before continuing. “you’re mourning a life, right now. obviously, that would raise tensions and emotions would be heightened. but… have you apologized? for telling her it was her fault?”

“no?” he replied after thinking about it. “i was going to do that today but she’s… she’s not in good shape. i’m not saying she needs to be perfect, but while i was at derek’s i can tell she didn’t take care of herself. she barely drank any water.”

“did you ask her why she had an abortion? why she didn’t tell you? did you ask her anything about how she’s feeling?” emily asked once more.

“no,” he cowered down, feeling even worse about the truthful answer. “i was just… selfish. i didn’t think about how she’s feeling. i just-i feel so bad now, seeing what state she’s in.”

“when i got an abortion it was because i wasn’t ready for a child,” she began to inform him. “i was a child, myself. how was a child supposed to take care of another one? my mother would’ve been disgraced. i basically had nobody there for me. i kept it a secret because having an abortion is so controversial. i knew people would look at me differently for making a responsible decision for my future.”

“god, i feel so bad,” he began to tear up himself. “i love her so much and i told her these horrible things.”

“make it right, spencer,” she gave him a supportive smile and pat his thigh before he stood up.

“i-i have to go,” he wiped the tears from his face before giving emily a hug, grateful she would listen to him at such an ungodly hour.

he quickly drove back home, where he decidedly belonged in the first place. he never should’ve left home. he never should’ve left you. you were his home, and he didn’t know how he could possibly lose sight of that.

“y/n,” he cooed as he entered the apartment once more. it was noticeably a bit more clean. the trash was taken out, the dishes were done, and your hair was wet from a shower - he assumed. “hey,” he smiled when he saw you sitting on the bed, cheeks still red and tear-stained with red, puffy eyes.

“hi,” you sighed as you brushed your hair, spencer sat down beside you.

“how’re you feeling?” you shrugged. “i need to apologize to you,” he admitted, placing a hand on your thigh. “i’m so, so sorry for what i said. telling you that it’s your fault that we lost our child… i-there’s no excuse. i was clearly upset, but so were you. what i said was so out of line, and i’ll never be able to express how sorry i am to you.”

“you’re right,” you shrugged. “it was my fault.”

“no,” he rubbed his thumb on your skin. “it was not your fault. i’m so sorry i made you believe that.”

“when i was 15 my boyfriend at the time pressured me to have sex. we used a condom and i was in birth control but i still-i still ended up pregnant,” you began, taking a deep breath before continuing. “i couldn’t tell my mom because she would’ve kicked me out, so i saved up some money and had his mom take me to a cheap clinic. she signed as my mom and i got the procedure done. that was the end of it,” you finished tears streaming down your face. “a few weeks after the procedure i started having pains in like my lower back, but i didn’t think anything of it. so… it is my fault. i shouldn’t have gone to a cheap clinic, but i couldn’t live on the streets with a baby and no way to clothe or feed them.”

“y/n,” he got your attention, wiping the tears from your cheeks. “you were a teenager who had no other choice, love. it’s not your fault, it’s the clinic’s.”

“i just… it hurts so bad, spencer,” you shook your head in defeat before he wrapped his arms around you. “not even just emotionally, my body physically hurts so bad. i don’t know what to do and i thought i lost you and i didn’t know what i would do without you because i didn’t think you loved me anymore because it’s my fault,” you ranted out, sobbing into his shoulder before he moved the two of you around the bed to lay down, you on his chest.

“i’m so sorry you had to go through that, and that you’re still dealing with the repercussions,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “but know that i’m not leaving you. i love you and nothing will ever change that.”

“there’s nothing we can do now,” you whined, clutching to his shirt as if he’d disappear once more.

“we can go to the recommended therapy. we can get that surgery to fix your cervix,” he reminded you, rubbing circles onto your back as you sniffled. “then, if you’d like, we could try again for a baby.”

“so you still want to be with me?” you whispered by his ear, clearly worried of the answer.

“of course i do,” he said as if there were no other option; there wasn’t. “i’m so, so sorry, love.”

“the reason i didn’t tell you is because,” you sighed as you shuffled on top of spencer, now sitting on his lap and facing him. “because there’s this stigma that comes with having an abortion - and i didn’t know how you’d react. i also didn’t know it didn’t go well in the first place, but that’s a different story,” you chuckled. “i’m sorry. i should’ve told you about something so serious.”

“you don’t have to apologize,” he brushed a strand of hair from your face. “that was from your past. this is our future, we shouldn��t get caught up on it and allow it to ruin this.”

you nodded, “you’re right. are-are you staying here, now? or are you going back to derek’s?” there was an obvious look of hope in your eye that spencer never planned on squashing.

“i’m staying here,” he smiled. “home. you’re my home.”

“you’re so cheesy,” you rolled your eyes as a laugh left your lips.

“i’ve missed your smile,” he pressed a kiss to those very lips, your smile not going away but growing even bigger.

“i’ve missed you,” you pointed at his chest. “please don’t leave again.”

“i won’t. ever again,” you held your pinky out, he smiled and wrapped his own around it. “i’m so sorry.”

“we’ll work at it,” you sighed. “we’ll build back the trust and fix my stupid cervix and then maybe try again for a baby.”

over the next few months spencer and you had been going to therapy once a week, mourning the loss of your baby and working through your other issues.

five months after you found out about the miscarriage, you had the surgery to fix your cervix.

one year after you fixed your cervix you and spencer began talking about having a child. you were extremely nervous, rightfully so. you voiced your concerns to spencer about what if the surgery didn’t work? what if your cervix wasn’t the only issue? and he replied by reminding you that you would both take this one step at a time.

seven months after having the conversation with spencer about having children, a miracle had caught up to you.

you were pregnant.

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#tw pregnancy #tw miscarriage #tw abortion #tw abortion mention #tw depressive thoughts #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid #spencer #spencer reid angst #spencer reid comfort

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literaila · 4 years

Text

this vast empty space

spencer reid x reader

request: I’ve had this idea floating in my head after watching some One Tree Hill and Criminal Minds one day👀 what if the reader and Spencer have a child together but things are getting a little rocky with reader and Spence and they’re arguing so Spencer spends a lot of time at JJ’s with his child and JJ’s kids and one day the reader doesn’t let her child do something so they get mad and say they wish JJ was their mom🥺 but somehow a fluffy ending? Idk🗿

warnings: angsty. panic attacks. me. its super duper long...um...depression symptoms...fighting....thats all.............enjoy!

“You’re taking her over to JJ’s?”

There was this distance.

There was an impenetrable wall. It was standing between the two of them, blocking their eyes, blocking their bodies from ever touching, from ever looking at one another.

There was this wall.

It was stuck between them, stuck standing there keeping them from each other, stuck living next to them, living with them, breathing in their space.

This distance, this wall, this irritable thing standing between the two of them forcing them apart, forcing an uncomfortable feeling over their house, over their relationship, over their family.

It was unavoidable.

It was impossible to remove.

“Yeah,” Spencer said, not making eye contact, not even saying the words in her direction, just tying their daughter's shoes, too focused on her to even spare a glance at Y/N. “I thought a playdate with Henry would be fun.”

She watched small hands wrap around his neck, watched him gently pick up their daughter, still avoiding looking at her. She watched her daughter whisper in his ear, watched him smile at her. She watched her daughter's eyes light up at him.

She watched and she felt like she was far far away from them.

“When will you guys be back?” Y/N asked quietly, standing, vulnerable, in their doorway, standing just watching the two people she loved the most get ready to leave, getting ready to leave without her.

Playing with her sweater, moving it over her hands as to hide herself, as to feel smaller, she stared at the floor waiting for them to walk out.

There was this feeling, a feeling that rested around her body like a blanket, a feeling that made her feel like she wasn't supposed to be there, made her feel like she was just a spare piece, that they didn't need her.

She didn't want them to walk out the door.

“We’ll probably stay the night,” Spencer said, still not looking at her, he hadn't been looking at her recently, his voice was a void of numbness, his tone nonchalant, never caring. “I don't want her to stay up too late.”

Y/N looked up and stared at his back, she stared at her daughter who was smiling at him, she felt a small grin on her face. She felt her mood lift just a little bit, felt the blanket fall just a couple of inches off her shoulder. She was lucky that her daughter couldn't feel the space between them, she was lucky her daughter hadn't caught on yet.

She was lucky she had a happy little girl.

Y/N made a small grunt of acknowledgement, made a quiet noise that she hoped wasn't showing her displeasure in the situation, she kept her mouth shut so they wouldn't yell at each other again. She sighed gently, already exhausted, and walked over to the pair. She walked over and got closer to Spencer than she had been in days, she could feel his body heat reflecting off of hers.

She felt so uncomfortable. She felt so out of place in her own home.

She smiled at her daughter, smiled at the crinkles around her eyes, and the dream-like gaze she had in her eyes, and ran a gentle hand over her face, moving the curly brown hair out of Fayre’s eyes. She poked her cheek, searching for the dimples she knew would show up.

“I’ll miss you, Fay. Be back tomorrow?” She asked, repeating the words her daughter had said to her multiple times, repeating the words that always seemed to comfort Fayre. Y/N hoped they would comfort her.

“Be back tomorrow, Momma.”

Y/n gave her another smile, hoping the sadness she felt wasn't showing in her eyes. She kissed Fayre’s head gently.

“Okay.” She said moving away from the two of them, trying to not let her chest fall at the thought of them leaving for the night. She looked over at Spencer, who was staring at the floor still avoiding her eyes, and she felt her smile fade from her face. “Bye Spence. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

Spencer nodded. He walked over to the door and grabbed his bag. With Fayre on his shoulder he opened the door, Y/N watched Fayre wave happily at her, calling “Bye Momma!” as Spencer walked away.

She watched Spencer not even glance back at her.

Y/N watched them leave.

***

Weeks was a brief way to put it.

The distance between Y/N and Spencer.

Y/N wasn't sure when she had decided to start picking fights, to start bickering with him every moment they were together, to bicker with him until they were openly fighting with each other.

She wasn't sure when that had started.

She can remember the fight that it had all begun with.

She can remember telling Spencer she was thinking about resigning from the BAU.

She can remember how surprised she was when he got mad.

She couldn't remember anything after that.

But there was a tension, a distinct tension between the two, that had put them both into defensive mode. The tension had made them disagree with anything the other said, and the few times they had been able to talk out their problems, those couple of times, the tension was always there the next day.

The tension eventually turned into distance.

And then Spencer was leaving the house for longer, he was spending more time in his office, he was sleeping at JJ’s.

He had started sleeping at JJ’s. He couldn't stand to stay with her, to sleep in the same room with her, so he went to his best friend. So he left.

Y/N usually stayed home with Fayre, usually spent their time off taking care of her daughter.

It seemed like they couldn't even be in the same room for ten minutes without fighting. They couldn't even have a conversation about the doctor's appointment Fayre had next week without arguing about something completely useless.

Y/N hated it.

She hated it so much. She hated that she never got the opportunity to talk to her husband. She hated that they hadn't spent time as a family, all together, in the past couple of months the fighting had been going on. She hated that when they were working when they were helping each other on a cause, she hated the distance that rested between them.

She hated not talking to him.

She hated not seeing him smile.

She missed cuddling with him.

She missed absolutely everything about him.

But she didn't know what to do.

Should she talk to him? Apologize? Explain to him how she felt? Would that do any good, or would it just cause another fight between the two of them, another layer in the wall they were constructing?

She didn't know what to do.

She wasn't sure if there was anything left for the two of them. Wasn't sure if there was anything she could say without it ending in a fight.

Spencer was sleeping at JJ’s.

So she spent time with her daughter. She basked in the love that her daughter offered her free of charge. She spent her days coloring with her, making cupcakes, and taking her to the park. She spent her days playing with old toys, watching Disney movies, and talking to Fayre about anything that was going on in her 3-year-old mind. She loved every second she got to spend happily with her little girl.

But when Spencer wanted to see her, when Spencer wanted to be the good Dad that he always had been, when Spencer wanted to spend him with their daughter and still had to actively avoid Y/N while doing it… Those days Y/N spent alone.

She spent those days alone cleaning their house, cleaning her daughter's room and Spencer’s office, doing laundry, and reorganizing anything she could, she spent those days going to buy more groceries and catching up on things that she had meant to do months ago. She spent those days in her house, surrounded by things that just reminded her of how much she loved her family, surrounded by things that just filled her with doubt and hopelessness.

She spent those days alone.

She pretended that everything was the same as it was months ago, that she and Spencer still felt desperately in love every waking moment, that their small family was as content as could be, she pretended that she didn't feel the numbness in her chest when she wasn't doing something, she pretended that it was all the same.

And she was happy.

She pretended for her daughter, she didn't want her daughter to grow up in a home where everyone was sad, she didn't want her daughter to learn that being happy isn't normal for most people. She pretended for Spencer too, because she knew, she had always known, that even when they were fighting, even with the distance between them keeping them so so far away, she knew that if she said a word, if she voiced her doubts, Spencer would be there in a flash.

He would hold her and reassure her that everything was okay, he would tell her that he loved her.

And she wasn't so sure that was true.

She wasn't sure if Spencer still felt tied to her. If he still felt his heartburn with the adoration he had for her. She wasn't even sure if Spencer still wanted to try and change.

But he was a good person, and he was an amazing husband, and there was nothing he wouldn't do for his family. Including lie.

So she didn't say a word.

She just pretended. Just pretended everything was fine.

Everything was just fine.

***

It had been days.

Days since she’d seen Spencer, days since they’d both been in the same room, days since she had yelled at him, had yelled harsher and angrier than she ever thought she could be. Days since she’d talked to him.

JJ was their saving grace.

JJ texted Y/N, and came to pick up Fayre so Spencer could see her, JJ spent time with her husband and her daughter, JJ spent every day with Spencer and didn't tell Y/N anything about him, only gave her a small pitiful smile every time she saw her, JJ who had Spencer sleeping over at her house.

Y/N didn't know how to feel.

Sometimes she worried she didn't feel anything.

She could only hear the yelling in her head, could only remember how sore her throat had been the next day, could only remember the fury in Spencer's eyes, could only remember the way he slammed the door, could only remember the words she’d said to him.

“She’s my daughter!”

Spencer sighed and moved past her to their dresser, he was packing more clothes, more clothes so he could leave again, so he could leave and go back to JJ’s. He still wouldn't look at her.

“Spencer. She's my daughter and I don't want her gone every other night!”

Y/N wasn't sure when she had started yelling, wasn't sure when she had gotten so angry. She only knew that there was a knife digging into her chest, a knife that was digging under her skin, a knife that was begging her to fight back, a knife that was fueling her rage, she was angry, she was so so angry.

And Spencer didn't seem to care. He didn't seem to say anything to her, he only let her yell at him while he walked around the room getting all the things he thought he would need. He wouldn't look at her, and he wouldn't pay her words any mind, and it was infuriating.

The knife only dug deeper with every ignored statement Y/N made.

“Spencer, are you even going to look at me? Do you even care?”

And with that Spencer turned around, he turned around quickly, his entire body tense and stiff.

Y/N felt her breath catch at the look on his face.

He was angry. She could see that clearly in his eyes, his face looked about to break, looked ready to throw everything he had at her, the anger that looked infused into his eyes scared her, the tension in his jaw made her back away from him.

She’d never seen him angry like that.

“Of course I care Y/N! I can't look at you because I can't bear to see the person that thought we weren't good enough- you thought I wasn't good enough! I don't want to look at you!”

The knife retracted at his words, pulled out of her, scared by the reaction, a reaction she had never expected. The knife- the anger -wasn't prepared for him to be mad at her, it wasn't prepared for him to get angry, to actually react to the words she’d been saying.

Y/N was counting on the fact that he had been ignoring her.

She took a minute to think, to take in his words, to think about everything he had said, everything that he hadn't said in the weeks they’d been distant, the knife retracted, and she thought.

She thought she thought

And then the knife plunged back into her.

Deeper.

“She's my fucking daughter Spencer! I’m sorry that I’m her mom and you don't want to deal with me but nothing can change that now! You should at least have the decency to talk to me about her!” She spat the words at him, flung them like weapons, like acid that was going to burn his skin, to burn him to nothing.

She didn't care, she didn't care about his reaction, she didn't care if he was mad at her, she didn't care what he thought, she didn't care that they were fighting, all she cared about was making him see, making him feel the way she’d felt for months.

Like everything was her fault.

“You can leave me all you want Spencer!” she screamed at him, her face red, her hands shaking, her entire body rocking with the force of her emotions, the knife digging, she screamed at him angrily, desperately “You can leave if you don't want to be here! But Fayre will not leave, this is her home. She wants to be here!”

And Spencer stared at her shocked, stared at her as he had never seen her before, had never ever met her, he just looked at her like she was someone he couldn't recognize.

Y/N didn't know what he was thinking, didn't know if his shocked face was because of her words, or because of the yelling she had always tried to keep in. She stared at him, she stared at him and suddenly felt like she was crazy like she shouldn't have even been there, she stared at him and she could feel herself shrink in size. She could feel the knife disappear, and be replaced with an empty hole that filled her.

Spencer suddenly walked out of the room.

Y/N took a moment, took a moment to process what had happened, took a moment to recognize the hole that was now in her body, she moved her hands to her chest as to feel for it, as to make sure it wasn't actually there.

She couldn't feel anything.

After that moment she stormed for the door, stormed to go find Spencer, stormed because she wasn't ready for him to give up, to just leave once again.

She stormed out of their room and she was met with a door about to close, a tiny hand she could see through the crack.

She stared as the door slammed, more harsh and more final than any words she had screamed.

She stared and watched her daughter leave with her husband.

She felt her heart rush, and her head filled with air and,

There was a hole in her chest and she was trying to grab it, trying to find it trying to trying to,

There was nothing there but the empty house she was stuck in.

JJ had brought her back the next day. Had given her that sad smile, and then left.

Y/N wondered why her husband wasn't back.

She wondered why he wasn't coming back.

She wondered if he would ever come back.

So did Fayre. Every day it was the same question “Where's Daddy?” which was answered with a blank “I don't know little love. I’m sure he’ll be home soon.” and then “Be back tomorrow Momma?” which was asked after a couple of days. And the same answer was always “I don't know Fayre.”

Because Y/N had no clue. She had no idea what her husband was doing, no idea when he was coming back, no idea when he wanted to see their daughter, no idea what to do.

She caught glances of him at work. The team had been under strict orders for only in state cases, enforced by Strauss, and so there was nowhere else she could see him. But there were moments. There were moments when he was there, but Hotch had told her he had requested to finish his work at him, had requested to stay out of the office for a while, and Hotch had agreed. He’d even looked shocked when Y/N asked if he knew where Spencer was.

Because she was supposed to know.

But she didn't.

There were moments where she saw him come into the office, small moments where she only got glimpses of his hair, of one of his vests. Little moments that reassured her that he was still there, that he hadn't left completely.

She prepared herself for the news that he had resigned, news that there was somewhere else Spencer was going, prepared herself so much. She had told him to go, told him to leave her, why wouldn't he?

She prepared herself for the inevitable news she had set herself up for.

But it hasn't come yet.

Instead, she had gotten news of a party, one that Rossi was throwing, a celebration for whatever reason he had proclaimed. She’d gotten the news, and she’d been told that she had to go, that there was no backing out.

And she’d agreed.

Besides, it would be good for her to get out of the house, to go somewhere with her friends where she wasn't constantly looking up from her desk for something.

She’d been told to take Fayre, told that Jack and Henry and Micheal would all be there, that her little girl should go have fun with them.

She’d agreed.

But she knew that taking Fayre would mean passing her off, would mean giving her to Spencer so that they could spend more time together.

She’d been in a mood all morning because of it.

It had started with breakfast, which she had burned while helping Fayre get dressed, and then it was the loud TV playing while she wasn't trying to finish up some paperwork, and then it was the headache that was burning her eyes, and then it was packing up Fayre’s things.

She felt so overwhelmed, felt so nervous to see Spencer for the first time, felt so sad that she was going to have to go home without her daughter.

She felt like she was doing everything wrong, felt like she couldn't even keep her family together, couldn't even keep her daughter happy for one day without Spencer.

She felt like she shouldn’t have to do any of it without Spencer, felt so angry that he was forcing her to pass their daughter off like she was a present.

She felt so so overwhelmed.

But she had to keep a smile on her face, she had to let her husband be a good Dad, she had to let her daughter spend time with her favorite person in the world, and she had to be happy while she did it. Her daughter deserved a happy Mother. She deserved everything.

She didn't deserve what was happening to her parents.

When it was finally time to leave Y/N could feel the nerves bunch up from her feet to the tip of her head, she felt them collect together like a bunch of bugs crawling up her skin, and she felt like she was going to puke.

She could see Spencer. She could. It was the first time in days, the first time she would ever have to directly talk to him. But she could do it. She could she could.

She wasn't sure.

She helped Fayre pack the last of her clothes, grabbed the couple of things she hadn't put in her bag earlier when she heard crying come from the other room.

Immediately she prepared herself for the worst, she felt desperate to get it to stop.

She walked into their living room and saw her daughter sitting on the floor trying to put her shoes on. Tears were running down Fayre’s face as she messed with the laces, as she tried to remember what her Dad had done for her so many times. She looked up at her Mom and whined.

Y/N went over to her, sad to see her crying on the floor, sad to see her crying over something that she could’ve just asked for help for.

“Daddy always do it. I don't how to.” Fayre said angry, her words coming out rushed, skipping over the words she had not yet learned how to say. She was pulling at the strings harder, and Y/N tried to move her hands away from the laces so she couldn't hurt herself.

That was when she started yelling.

“No! No!” she said as she hit Y/N’s hands away, as she pushed her away.

“Fayre. It's okay, just help me, help sweetheart.”

“No! Daddy always do it! Daddy do it! Not Momma!” she was opening yelling, the tears streaming down her red face as she threw her hands up, not sure how to express her emotions.

“Let Momma do it once, it's okay sweetie we can do it.”

Y/N could feel herself getting more frustrated, could feel the nerves still collecting in her body, she didn't know what to do, and she didn't feel like she could deal with a breakdown from her daughter right now.

Not when she was inches away from having one herself.

She tried to take a deep breath, tried to calm herself down, and remind herself that Fayre was only three, that she was confused, and she missed her dad, and that she needed to be calm with her.

“Fayre, I’m sorry sweetie, Daddy’s not here. Let me help and we can go see him.” Y/N said calmly, kneeling in front of her daughter who was looking at her angrily.

“No! Daddy! Not you! Don't want you!” Fayre said as she got up, her shoes still untied, as she tried to run for the door.

Y/N could feel her anger go up.

“Fayre Diana. Don't run away.” Y/N said sternly.

Her daughter was crying and screaming, and banging on the door desperately like she was trying to get out, she was yelling so loud, and Y/N’s head was pounding. And her daughter was upset, and she was upset and she didn't know what to do.

What should she do what should she do?

She felt the anger rush up into her head, flashing her eyes red, she felt herself hit her breaking point, felt everything coming to her at once, felt so done, so tired and she just wanted it to stop.

“Fayre! Daddy isn't here! I need you to listen to me!” she yelled, moving over to her daughter who was too small to resist Y/N picking her up. Fayre kicked and tried to push her away as Y/N walked over to their couch.

“We won't go if you don't let me help you.” She said, no longer yelling, but her voice with much more power.

And Fayre stared at her, her eyes wide and almost sad, she stared at her and she started to cry even more.

Y/N watched as her daughter's eyes welled up in tears, as her daughter was hyperventilating, so sad, and so little, she felt herself breaking at the sight.

And she tried to grab her arm, trying to do anything to calm her down.

“No! I don't want you!” Fayre screamed pushing Y/N away, pushing her away and looking at her angrily. “I want JJ! You not nice! JJ!”

And everything stopped.

Everything just stopped.

Y/N could feel everything drain from her body, all her emotions all her thought all her organs, she felt it all fall away from her, felt her heart crack into so many pieces it was practically dust because

She wasn't good enough

She wasn't enough

She wasn't

I want JJ!

I want

Her daughter didn't want her, and her husband didn't want her, and she didn't want her, and there was nothing there was nothing

There was so much

She felt everything collapse from within and she couldn't find the words, didn't know how to breathe, didn't know how to remove the air that was filling her body, didn't know how to breathe

How do you breathe how do you-

She wasn't good enough.

She wasn't good.

She wasn't.

She. she she.

There was nothing left of her.

Nothing but the ashes that were barely enough to fill her feet, let alone the hole that was left within her body, the hole that had been building up for weeks.

There was nothing.

Everything stopped.

Everything just stopped.

And she stared at her daughter, her daughter who wasn't saying anything, barely even looked like she was breathing, and she stared at her and.

Everything started again.

Fayre was looking at her, tears running down her cheeks, and Y/N watched as she came over and hugged her legs, she watched as Fayre listed out apologizes, watched as she looked up at her, sad by the tears running down her Moms cheeks.

She didn't know what to do.

She didn't she didn't.

She ignored it.

Nothing had happened nothing was happening, she was whole she was completely there, there was nothing wrong.

Nothing had happened.

They were going to be late.

***

She stood there numb.

Numb as she watched her daughter laugh with Spencer and JJ.

She stood there and she felt nothing at all.

She watched her friends dance and laugh and play games, she watched the kids run around Rossi’s yard, giggly and happy as could be.

She watched everyone else enjoy themselves, and she couldn't feel anything.

She didn't know what she was supposed to feel.

Was she supposed to be sad? Sad that her daughter considered JJ a better mom than she did Y/N?

Was she supposed to be angry? Angry that Fayre had adapted to JJ’s house so much that she thought she was better?

Was she supposed to be annoyed? Or heartbroken? Was she supposed to frustratingly yell at JJ, to yell at Spencer?

Was there something she was supposed to feel? Something she was supposed to do.

She didn't know.

All she knew was the numbness she’d been submerged in, the numbness that had taken over her body when it had fallen to pieces, fallen apart on her living room floor, the numbness that put clouds in her brain, clouds that forced her to think but not to feel.

Was there something she was supposed to be feeling?

She didn't feel anything.

She just watched, she watched Hotch laugh with the boys, and Derek talk with Emily and Penelope pull funny faces to make Fayre laugh. She watched as JJ stood with her arms wrapped around Will, watched as Rossi grilled something and yelled out things.

She watched all of them feel.

She didn't dare look at Spencer.

When she had arrived with Fayre, immediately she’d let her run to her Father, let her go hug him desperately, and had not let herself spare a glance at him. She didn't want to see him and she didn't want to think about how he had left, about how he had taken her advice, about how their daughter would be so much better off with a mom who knew what she was doing.

She didn't want to think about all the ways she had disappointed her family.

She didn't want to think at all.

So she didn't look at him, didn't watch him the way she always did, didn't say a single word to him. She wouldn't allow herself that.

She was looking down at the pavement when Derek came over to her.

“Hey Pretty Girl,” he said, as he stood next to her, holding out a drink for her, which she took nonchalant as she looked back at the ground.

“Hey,” she said quietly, her voice void of emotion, her body void of everything.

“Hey, what's wrong?” he asked, moving his head down so he could get a look at her face.

She looked up at his words, her neck snapping at the question.

“Nothing,” she said, looking in his eyes, which were glazed with concern.

“What's going on Pretty girl? You’ve been standing here alone all night?” Derek said, putting a reassuring arm on her shoulder.

She didn't feel a thing.

“Nothings going on. I’m just tired,” she said, again, looking back at the ground. She was tired of thinking.

‘Y/N.” Derek said, moving her chin so she was looking in his eyes again. “Seriously, what's wrong?”

Y/N stayed silent, willed her body to feel nothing, to think nothing, because there was nothing wrong, there was nothing wrong.

She looked back down.

“Alright.” Derek sighed, taking the drink he had given her from her hand and setting it down on a nearby table. He grabbed her hand and led her away from the party, away from everything else. She wondered where they were going.

When they finally stopped at a small garden farther into Rossi’s backyard Derek halted and turned to stare at her again.

“What's going on with you and Spencer?”

Y/N felt herself crack at that. Felt the numbness drain only a smidge, from her body, felt her staring at Derek urgently, felt her mind trying to run again.

“Nothing. There's nothing.” She said quickly, her words jumbled, her heart racing.

“You think I haven't noticed the way you two have been acting recently? He's been staring at you all night, and you haven't said a word to anyone. Something is going on. What is it?”

She looked down, surprised by his words, emotion was filling her body but she was begging herself to just keep it out, to just not feel anything.

She didn't want to feel anything.

“Derek I-” and she broke. Her body was flooded with memories and thoughts and emotions, and she could feel the dam breaking in her eyes and she felt everything all at once and she just wanted it to stop. She didn't want to feel any of it. Why wouldn't it just stop?

Derek pulled her into his chest. He pulled her in tight and rubbed her back and she tried to calm herself down, as she tried to keep in all the emotions her body was begging her to let out.

“Shh, Pretty Girl... It’ll be alright. Just breathe.” He said as she rested her cheek on her chest, as she felt her body start to panic, her mind started to buzz with the overwhelming feeling.

What would she do? Her daughter didn't want her. Her daughter didn't want her. Her daughter had said she didn't want her and she didn't know what to do what would she do her daughter didn't didn't want her-

“Fayre said she wanted JJ.” she cried out desperately, the words tumbling out of her like an avalanche, she could feel herself still panicking, she could feel the buzzing of her brain flow to the rest of her body. What would she do-

“What do you mean.”

“Fayre,” she breathed, “she said that I- I was mean.” she gasped and more tears rolled down her cheeks like rocks falling “and that- she wanted JJ- not-” her body was buzzing in the panic that had contained her “not me,” she said and she cried. She cried against her friend as her family was only a short distance away, as her family had no idea how worthless, how broken she was.

Derek just let her cry. He let her sob out different words, he looked down at her concerned, wondering when she had fallen apart. Wondered why he was the one comforting her instead of her husband, her husband who was only 100 feet away.

The panic was still there, still shaking her heart back and forth, still buzzing loud in her brain, but she was breathing, she had gotten the words out, the terrifying words that she so desperately wanted to pretend didn't exist.

She was starting to breathe.

Why did she have to feel anything?

Derek held her, held her close, held her because that was what she needed, she needed her husband but she needed something she needed someone.

He listened as she gasped out her last sob, as her crying started to slow down.

He moved back. He kept his hands on her shoulder as she looked up at him.

She looked so small, her eyes bloodshot, her face pale, she looked like a little kid who had no idea what to do, she looked so small standing there with him.

“Are you alright?” he asked as he searched her face.

She took a shaky breath as she said “Thank you. Better now.”

She didn't think she had the energy to say anything else.

***

It was time to go. It was time to go back to her house, her empty house, it was time to go back to her numbness, which was empty, just like her house.

They were quite the pair.

It was time to say goodbye to Fayre, time to send her off with her Dad, and with JJ who didn't disappoint the two of them.

In a way, Y/N was thankful to JJ, because she knew that JJ would take care of her family, she knew that JJ would be there for them if they needed anything. She knew that if she couldn't make them happy, at least JJ could.

She tried to ignore the envy she felt towards JJ. She tried to ignore the anger she wanted to feel. She knew it wasn't her fault. It wasn't her fault that she didn't disappoint.

It was Y/N’s.

At least she thought at least they have someone.

She just wanted them to be happy.

It was time to say goodbye, as everyone started heading towards their cars, tired and ready to go home, Fayre walked over to her mom, her smile shining bright as she led Spencer towards Y/N.

They were walking over to Y/N together, Fayre pulling her dad along, pulling him over to her. He was coming over, he was coming over. Y/N didn't let her heart feel anything, she didn't let her eyes drift toward him.

“Momma!” Fayre yelled excitedly, throwing herself into Y/N’s arms.

“Hi, baby.” Y/N said quietly, looking at her beautiful daughter, staring at the one relief she had from it all. “Did you have fun?” She said softly.

“Yeah, Momma! We did games, and Daddy did trick!” She was much too loud and excited for the late hour, but Y/N was happy to see her so full of energy, so alive.

“Did he?”

“Yeah! And he said do more!” she was smiling over at her dad, but Y/N didn't take her eyes off of Fayre.

“More later?” she said quietly, her mood only slightly deflated at the thought of them leaving.

“Yeah!” Y/N kept a smile on her face, kept her smile, but couldn't change the disappointment stuck in her eyes, she smiled at Fayre and kissed her on the cheek.

“You go with Daddy alright? Be back tomorrow?” Y/N said, laughing a little at the words. She had given up, given up on trying to stop the tears stinging at her eyes. She was smiling at her daughter, but she felt like sobbing against her.

Just another way to disappoint the two of them.

“Why sad Momma?” Fayre asked, her little hand rubbing Y/N’s cheek as she wiped away the one tear she had let go. Y/N wished she wasn't as smart as she was.

“I’m not sad little love,” She said, feeling her voice crack at the lie, at the words she’d been trying to believe were true. She sighed softly and smiled sadly at her daughter. “Just tired.”

Fayre was still looking at her with a furrow in her brows, still staring at her confused. “Don't sad Momma.”

Y/N laughed bitterly at the words, committing them to memory for later.

“Alright, Fay. I won't. Be back tomorrow?” she asked once again.

Fayre wrapped her little arms around Y/N’s neck, squeezing tight like she was trying to make everything better. “Be back tomorrow Momma.” She said as Y/N put her down and pushed her gently towards Spencer.

Spencer, who'd she’d almost forgotten, was there. She gave herself one opportunity, one look, one look to just see him. And she looked in his eyes, she looked at his face that looked so sad, his eyes that were staring right at hers concerned. She looked at his face that looked almost regretful.

She looked away.

She felt her heart beat faster, reminding her of the love she was trying to keep away from him.

She waved at Fayre one more time, blew her a kiss.

This time she walked away first.

She couldn't bear to see them leave again.

***

She was up late at night when there was a knock.

Quiet, quick, almost as if whoever was there knew she would still be up.

She hadn't been sleeping well. She felt words swirling around her head, memories of the things she didn't want to think about popping up at random points.

She couldn't stop her brain.

She couldn't get numb again.

But there was a knock.

She looked at the safe in her closet, wondering if she should grab her gun, just in case.

In the end, she’d decided against it. If it was someone bad would they have broken in?

She walked towards the door, turning on the lights, and unlocking it.

She hadn't expected to see her husband standing on the other side.

She hadn't expected to see Spencer looking at her.

She hadn't expected to see relief in his eyes.

She hadn't expected him to talk to her.

“You’re awake,” he said, almost in awe, almost like he wasn't sure, quiet.

Y/N just stared at him.

It was the first time she had looked him in the eyes without any hesitation for weeks. It was the first time she had looked into his eyes without nerves running up and down her spine, without feeling like she had to be ashamed for looking at him.

She felt her heart beat faster.

“Spence.” she breathed out.

He gently grabbed her hand, gently moved her out of the way so he could get through the door, he gently let her hand go and moved to take off his shoes.

He was taking off his shoes.

Y/N just watched him, wondering if she was dreaming, if she was dreaming about him coming back home, wondering if this was all fake.

She hoped she wouldn't wake up for a little bit longer.

“Y/N.” Spencer said, turning back to her, “Can we talk?”

It was the first time she had heard him speak to her in days, the first time she had heard her name slip from his lips.

She left like she was floating.

She wondered why she couldn't feel anything but bliss.

She wondered when the nerves would catch up.

She only nodded at him, only gestured to the couch. There was too much going on for her brain to comprehend, she was surviving on only coffee and a couple of caffeine pills, she was up far too late and she didn't know what was going on.

They both sat down on the couch, and Y/N’s heart got faster at the close proximity of the two. What was going on?

“We have to talk about everything.”

And then the nerves caught up.

And then the nerves invaded her body, filling her to the core with irrational thoughts, with messages from her brain that only made her heart beat faster.

Divorce.

Custody.

Leaving.

The nerves were too much too much, and her eyes were wide and all she could do was nod, just nod at him. Unconsciously she moved farther away from him, preparing herself for the distance he was going to ask for.

He was leaving he was leaving he was going to leave he was-

“I think that we should’ve talked a long time ago.” He said quietly looking down at the floor, staring intensely at something Y/N couldn't see.

“Yeah.” Y/N said, her voice breaking from the pressure, her body ready to collapse.

“I’m sorry I left,” Spencer said.

And it stopped.

Everything stopped.

He was sorry. He was sorry he left, he was sorry for doing the thing that Y/N had told him to do, doing the thing that she had asked of him, he was sorry he was sorry.

“Why,” she asked.

“Because I never should have left. And I never should have left for so long. It was childish and only 58% of long-distance relationships work, and I didn't even leave the city I was just gone and I- I’m not sure what I was thinking-”

“I told you to go.”

“What?” Y/N was staring at him, staring intently. She missed the sound of his voice but she hated the words coming out of his mouth. This was all of her fault, she had told him to leave, she hadn't done anything about it. This was her fault and he shouldn't have been saying any of this.

“I told you to leave. I said, “Go ahead and leave Spencer.” She paused and looked down at his feet. “You were only doing what I asked.”

Silence consumed the room. Y/N still didn't know what else Spencer wanted to talk about, she still didn't know if this meant he wanted to try if he wanted to try and be with her, she didn't know if this meant they were going to get better.

She couldn't help but think of the empty space that filled her body, she couldn't help but think about the hole in her body that was scarring, that was stuck there, almost numb, unbelievably painful. She couldn't help but think about the words she’d endured to get that hole.

“I shouldn't have listened to you. You were right.” Spencer said, pulling out of her thoughts, pulling her out of the pain that threatened to take over her body once again. “You didn't deserve me leaving, and neither did Fayre. I should’ve stayed.”

“Spencer you don't-”

“And then today. Today I was looking at you, I was watching you. And you just-” he paused and shook his hands in front of his face as if he was trying to reach for the words “you looked so empty. You just- you weren't looking at anything and you were just staring- and I don't think I’ve ever seen you look like that and I didn't know what to do, and I didn't know what was going on but you looked so empty-”

Y/N paused. Derek had said Spencer was looking at her, he had told her that right to her face, but there was a block keeping her from thinking about it. She was trying not to think about it. But Derek had been right, and Spencer had noticed he had noticed.

He’d noticed her.

“Y/N.,” he said, grabbing her face as he pulled her closer to him. “I’ve never seen you look so emotionless. You looked at me after Fayre said goodbye, and it was like there was nothing. There was nothing- and- It scared me. I had no idea what to do, but I could feel that I started it, I could tell it had something to do with us and-”

“Fayre caused it.” Y/N blurted out.

“What?” Spencer looked at her shocked, his face unmoving.

“She,” Y/N took a deep breath, not wanting to relive the memory, but wanting to keep the closeness of Spencer so bad she wouldn't stop. “She was having trouble with her shoes, and she was asking for you, and I got mad- god.” Y/N shook her head angrily, mad at her past self for getting mad at Fayre. “I never should’ve gotten mad. I was mad and she was upset and she said-”

Something was choking her from the inside. Maybe it was the anxiety holding her throat down, maybe it was the nerves that seemed to be everywhere, maybe it was the desperation to forget everything, to pretend to be okay, maybe it was the exhaustion that rested on her eyes weighing them down, maybe it was the buzzing in her heart.

It didn't matter what it was, it was choking her, stopping the words from escaping her mouth, stopping the words from reaching the air, stopping her from telling Spencer.

But she fought, she fought against her instinct, fought against all her self defense mechanisms, and something finally let go.

“She said, I was mean, and that she wanted JJ.” and she gasped.

The words were out, out into the world, out where her husband- who she hadn't been speaking to, who she hadn't gotten any affection from in months -could finally hear them.

It felt like a shock to say them.

It felt like a shock to have to say them again, this time to the man she loved most.

She felt ashamed in herself, for the decisions she had made earlier, for the disappointment she was to her family, for the void that lived in her body.

“Y/N,” Spencer said, wiping away tears she hadn't noticed escaped her eyes. “She didn't mean that.”

And the words might have been reassuring, they might have been helpful, might have rested her self hatred, if she wasn't familiar with the person Spencer was.

He would like just to make her happy.

‘I think she did,” she said more tears crawling up her throat. “I think she did. Because I understand, because I’m not an amazing mother, and I’m definitely not an amazing wife, and I’ve been unfair to her, and I wish she didn't have to deal with me all the time, I think she meant it-”

Spencer put a hand over her mouth stopping her words. He was looking at her angry, his brows furrowed in something that looked like disgust, his mouth turned down.

“Don't ever say that.” He said harshly.

“What?” Y/N said as she moved back, her words muffled by his hand, surprised at his sudden change in mood.

“I don't want to ever hear, I don't want you to ever think that you aren't a perfect Mother.” He said, looking her directly in her eyes, his voice wasn't wavering and neither was his mind. “You are an amazing Mother to Fayre. She loves you.”

When Y/N tried to interrupt Spencer just spoke over her.

“And you are an amazing wife. You are more than I could’ve ever asked for. So, I do not want to hear another word about you not being enough. It's a lie, and I hate it.”

He stopped and Y/N was still looking at him shocked at the sudden outburst. She had thought that was why she left. She wasn't enough, because Spencer was disappointed in her. After all, she just wasn't good enough. She thought that's why he left.

That was why he left.

Wasn't it?

Tears ran down her face as she stared at him frustrated.

“Oh, Y/N.,” he said, moving his hand from her mouth and gently wiping another tear away. “I didn't mean to scare you. I just want you to believe me, baby.”

He was so gentle, so caring, so everything she had been missing for the months they had been constantly fighting with each other.

She sobbed against his hand.

“Baby,” he said desperately, grabbing her by the waist and pulling her closer to him. She breathed him in, shocked by the smell she loved so much, shocked that he was so close to her, shocked at how cold she had been without him.

She had been so cold for so long.

She sobbed even more, shaking against his chest, gasping for breath.

She had no idea she could miss a person that was so close to her.

“I’m so sorry baby. I’m so sorry any of this happened,” he said, rubbing her hair and pulling her close to him. Spencer felt close to tears himself, watching his wife shake in his arms, he knew that she had been deteriorating for months, for months he knew and he hadn't done a thing. He knew that she was barely there, that another week would have burned her away, he felt ashamed that he hadn't been there sooner.

“Spence.” she cried, tugging on his shirt and nudging her head into his chest.

He just sat there, helping her get him closer, helping her remove the last couple of centimeters between them.

She sobbed and she sobbed into his chest, relieved that he was here, still hoping that this wasn't a dream, that this wasn't some cruel joke the world was playing on her.

She couldn't just let this go again.

“Y/N,” Spencer said when she had finally caught her breath when she had stopped shaking.

She looked up at him, her eyes puffy, and pleading, at that moment she looked so vulnerable it made Spencer want to protect her from everything. He didn't want to lose the only thing holding him together. “I love you. I’m so sorry that we’ve been so far apart.”

She moved her hands from his chest, moving them to his neck and jumping into his lap, straddling him on the couch as he hugged her back just as tight. It was a breath of fresh air to be so close together, they were each other's light in a dark room.

They had been so far apart.

“I’m sorry too Spencer. I’m sorry.”

Spencer just ‘shh’’d her, just held her close to him. They were both exhausted, and it was so late, it was too late.

It was almost too much to be close to him again.

They stayed like that, silent and together, silent and right next to each other for a while. They let each other's body heat warm them up, let their hearts get used to the close proximity again, let everything that had happened fade between them.

It was a while later, a while later when Y/N had felt almost repaired when she could no longer feel the burning of the hole in her body, the hole that had so desperately needed to be filled, the hole that was now barely there. It was then that she finally spoke.

“Where's Fayre?” she asked quietly against his ear, running her hands through the hair on his neck, enjoying the grip he had on her waist, and the kisses he was leaving on her neck.

“She’s still at JJ’s. I didn't want to wake her up, but I had to see you.”

There was a pause and then,

“Spencer,” she whispered softly, in awe that he was there, that they were together again.

He just kissed her some more.

They stayed like that, connected, for just a moment longer, just another moment together, before Spencer spoke up again.

“Y/N?” he asked, moving back only a little bit so he could look into her eyes.

“Yes?” she asked, staring at the brown eyes she had fallen in love with, the brown eyes that always seemed to fill her with a feeling she would never know how to describe.

“I love you,” he said softly, pecking her lips.

When he pulled back she smiled with her eyes closed, smiled at him, smiled at the feeling in her chest, smiled at the happiness she hadn't felt in so long, she smiled and she opened her eyes just so she could look at him because he was right there, he was right in front of her.

“I haven't seen you smile in so long,” Spencer whispered in awe, running his hand over her cheek as he stared at her.

She only smiled wider.

“Spencer?” she said softly, the smile stuck to her face.

“Yes?” he asked, moving to look back up to her eyes instead of her mouth, her eyes which were shining just for him.

“I love you,” she said. Quietly. Gently. For what felt like another first time.

He kissed her. Harder this time.

my masterlist here

#spencer reid smut #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds #criminal minds rp #criminal minds headcanons #emily prentiss x reader #derek morgan #mgg #mgg x reader #mgg blurb

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okaybutlikeimagine · 3 years

Text

A Father’s Day Triptych

TW: past/referenced child abuse, emotional hurt/comfort, child neglect

(you can find it on AO3 here ♥)

Father’s day in the Hargrove household was always pulled taut with expectations of kindness and submission hanging over Billy’s head.

They didn’t always used to be that way. When he was a kid, Father’s days felt like a reprieve rather than a burden. Billy and his mom would prepare special things- a nice card that would make him laugh, those new fishing poles he’d been eyeing in the big sporting store a town over, a pretty cake with fresh fruit on top from the grocer down the way. His mother went all out. She’d get Billy all excited for it too. The strenuous relationships were softened for a day where they did everything they could to make him happy.

They really did… everything they could just to make him happy. Sometimes Billy still wonders why it had to take so much.

Around Father’s day, his mother would use all her spending money to make his father smile. It usually worked. And for that day, it was so good. It could hardly get better. Grilling and watching stupid baseball games Billy never cared about but would pretend to be interested in, just for him. Fake smiles almost became real. Hot dogs and hamburgers and watermelon always tasted better on those days when his father would put his arm around Billy amicably- when he would laugh at the card and compliment how Billy’s penmanship was getting better every year.

The year that she left was the worst.

The year that she left Billy stopped getting an allowance. He had no money to soften the edges of his father with fresh cakes and fancy presents. He panicked. He stole a stupid fishing keychain from a store and made a card from his school notebook paper. He presented them with shaking hands to his father who seemed glued to the couch, eyes bloodshot, surrounded by beer cans, baseball game so loud Billy’s ears felt sore.

He got a grunt and a lazy eye roll in response. A slurred groan of “your writing is sloppy”. A quieter admission of regret.

He got resentment. Billy was 9 and he knew it was resentment towards his very existence. He slid away to his room. There was no dinner to eat that night as his father passed out on the couch with the TV still on far too loud.

When Susan and Max came into the picture, Billy miraculously found a reason to be happy for it. Suddenly there was pressure taken off of him. He let Max know it too, as Susan encouraged them to go out and “at least get him a card”. They’d lazily look through all the forcibly funny and generic pieces of paper. Max was nervous that first year.

“It’s whatever.” Billy had grunted, looking through ugly green cards with stupid phrases on them. “She’s gonna bang him tonight, he won’t care about a dumb card.”

“Ew.” Max had whined, covering her ears and pouting. Billy couldn’t find it in himself to care.

It was never fun. Billy felt like he was on a leash all day long, obligated to do everything he could for his father just to keep him civil. Susan made a steak, the kids handed over the card, his father remarked how his penmanship was the mark of someone lazy and sloppy (no matter how hard Billy would try to make it as neat as he possibly could), and the day would end. And he could stop thinking about how this man still had a hand in his life.

…

Father’s day in the Hopper household was always bumbling and awkward.

By the time that first one came around, Billy was just beginning to feel less like a burden to the house and more like an addition. He’d found comfort in the space they all shared. They had a sort of routine set between all of them. There was still no second bed for Billy, so he still felt like he was imposing when Hop slept on the couch, but it was a sort of pull out couch by that point and Hop insisted and Billy decided not to pay it too much mind.

And that first Father’s day was just… awkward. Billy had completely forgotten the date- summer had just started for him and days were rolling by in hot and languid and lazy moments of feeling out every new situation. He had just started getting really serious with Steve. Not just touching for the sake of getting off but really starting to need and want each other in ways that scared him. In ways that made him want to keep things how they were- ways that made him scared to change a thing. It was a new and alien feeling for him.

El had inadvertently learned about Father’s day from Mike when he briefly groaned about dinner plans his family had. Billy found that out from El on their drive to the store to pick something up for Hop. She had to convince Billy it was a thing they should do, because Hopper was their father. He did fatherly things for them. He took them in and gave them a roof and food and asked how their days were and wished them goodnight and good morning, however groggily. He made stupid jokes that made them moan and he danced horribly to the old records he kept on their dusty shelf and he was horrible with laundry and he whistled as he did dishes.

He introduced Billy proudly in the grocery store once. It was the weekend after Billy had a really good basketball game that Hop had decided to attend. Hop bragged about it to some friend of his. Billy flushed red and elbowed him and tried his best to escape.

He thought about it every single day.

Billy and El bought a large cheesy balloon, ingredients to make a nice lasagna dinner, and a green and white cake from the bakery. The balloon was more for El. The lasagna was a little burnt. Hop was too nice to say he’d have preferred pie to cake, but he ate it anyway as they sat around the TV and watched whatever program was on. Billy only remembered as he fell slowly into sleep that night. He jolted awake quickly, remembering a sort of far off conversation months ago where Hop had proclaimed confidently that pie was the superior dessert of anything else- yes, even Eggo's with whipped cream and sprinkles. How he admitted cake was never his favorite.

Billy felt shame overcome him as he remembered, pushing himself out of bed and turning to the sofa with the immediate want to apologize for it. He wasn’t sure what came over him.

But instead of sending pleading apologies into the darkness, he just looked towards the sofa with a heavily beating heart and let his eyes adjust. And he thought about all that man had done for the two of them. Thought about how he took in these two stray kids. Thought about how he knew Hop was getting flack for it, because Billy heard the whispers and the snickers and the sneers about Hop running a dog pound. Thought about how he gave up his probably comfier trailer for the rundown cabin, gave up the main bedroom for the dusty spare bed, gave up the dusty spare bed for the couch, gave up parts of his sanity probably…

Billy didn’t wanna apologize anymore. He just whispered a thanks, even though it was hard to push up through his throat and would fall onto sleeping ears.

The Father’s days after that first one got better. They got Joyce, and along with her 2 boys that had their own rocky past with fathers and celebrations of them. Just four kids who feared and resented father figures. It ended up being better than Billy could imagine. It was never quite as awkward as that first Father’s day, but never quite comfortable either. That being said, it was never a bad day. The bar was low, but that didn’t matter. Billy found appreciation for the general ease all the same.

…

Father’s day in the Hargrove-Harrington-”whatever we’re together now and that’s what’s most important” household is filled with guilt and feelings of imposter syndrome.

They don’t celebrate it the first two or so years after they’ve adopted their first child. He’s just a toddler, he doesn’t quite understand yet what it is. And they… they’re still struggling with what it means to be fathers. They’re confident in their rights but they’re not immune to the judgmental voices, always eyeing them oddly when they’re out together with their boy or asking after the mother when they’re out separately. Always looking a little judgmental or harsh when they have to explain why the kid doesn’t look like them- whoever is with him at the time. Or getting looks of pity when the people clearly begin to assume it’s because they couldn’t get pregnant with whatever wife must be at home.

It’s hard to hear. It makes them question everything. If their boy doesn’t know what he’s missing, then there’s no need to explain.

Billy calls Hopper and feels his heart lurch when Hop and Joyce wish him and Steve a happy father’s day. They do it with joy and certainty. As if it belongs to them, too. Billy hangs up the phone and lays in bed for at least half an hour. Steve can’t get through to him.

It’s an odd feeling. A rough feeling. When they adopt their second child, a girl of 9 years old, they know they’re going to have to confront it. Their son begins school that year too. They find out about the day from their friends and television ads and store windows. The children are timid with them- they were adopted as supposed “problem children” from rough homes and tumultuous pasts. Billy and Steve don’t expect anything of them but they’re still not sure how to explain that. They figure ignoring is easier than explaining. Maybe it’ll make it go away.

It doesn’t work well.

And Billy… Billy’s just struggling being a dad. He couldn’t explain the job if he tried. He helps make lunches, he gives timeouts, he buys and subsequently sneaks himself some silly little snack foods when he’s hungry and busy and doesn’t have time to do more than rip open a pouch. He deals with tantrums over vegetables and he wipes mouths with napkins and he sings lullabies in the wrong key and he reads bedtime stories until he himself dozes off in the tiny bed with a small head on his chest and drool pooling onto his shirt.

He’s trying. He gets frustrated at stores. He gets a little hot headed, a little loud. His heart breaks when they cry. He’s straddling the line between being a pushover and a hard-ass. He lays awake at night, staring at the ceiling, dreading ever becoming like Neil. He asks Steve, in the stillness of the night when the darkness acts as the weight of every horrible outcome imaginable, if he’ll follow Neil’s wretched footsteps.

“You’ll never be like him, Billy.”

“How do you know? What if it’s inside me already.”

“It’s not.”

“Maybe it is… maybe I won’t be able to help it.”

He stresses and he struggles and he wants to rip his hair out.

But that first father’s day comes around with their new daughter and newly knowledgeable son. And the two children blunder around the kitchen while their two dads are asleep. And then they wake the two parents up, both teary eyed and breathing heavy, faces full of apology and sorrow, asking for help to clean up the mess.

And Billy and Steve find the kitchen a single step back from full on disaster. There’s juice all over the counter and dripping onto the floor, the cereal box is all soggy from it, the toaster is smoking, a plate is broken on the ground, the fridge is still open. Their daughter pulls on Billy’s pajama pants and holds out her finger that’s bleeding. He gets out of her that she somehow managed to cut it on the butter knife she was using to cut up some fruit.

Steve gets busy cleaning things up. He asks their son to help do smaller things like close the fridge and grab some towels.

Billy takes his daughter’s small soft hand into his large, rough one and plants a kiss on it. It sends something like pure love surging through his heart. He guides her to the bathroom to put a bandaid on it and asks if she’s okay.

“Mmhm.” She nods and his heart softens. She sniffles. “M’sorry. We wanted… wanted to make breakfast and w-wanted to do something nice.”

She sounds like the weight of the world is on her small shoulders. Billy sees himself at 9 years old, doing his damnedest to get anything close to a damn smile out of his father while he sat unresponsive and unamused on the couch.

His heart yearns. It breaks and it pulls and it screams and it shouts. He pulls her in close and hugs her tight and tries to find the right words. Tries to tell her it’s made his entire year. It’s made him feel validated and happy and worth it, like all of that stress is worth it just to know that these two children got up early as hell on a Sunday morning just to surprise their fathers. Just to surprise the two of them. Just to say they thought of them, wanted to give them something, wanted to make them feel special.

“It was nice.” Is all he can croak out through his froggy throat.

“It’s a mess.” She sobs, but he just grips her arms tighter.

“It was wonderful.” He says and he’s crying too. He can’t get the tears to stop. He’s kneeling on the bathroom ground, the two of them crying to each other.

And Billy swears he’ll never get good at the father thing. He has talks with Hop about it, when he’s feeling vulnerable and Hopper’s able to get it out of him. By this point they’ve adopted another child- an older boy, a teenager. He’s rough and he’s jaded. He listens to loud, angry music. He kind of picks on the other two kids, even though he’d jump in front of a bus for either one of them. Hop asks how he likes it.

“He’s a lot like you were, y’know.” Hop tells Billy, who still doesn’t really see it.

Steve doesn’t have as much of a problem with the boy as Billy does. Billy and him just never seem to see eye to eye.

“It’s because you’re the same people.” Hop insists. Steve agrees. Joyce affirms with pity. “You clash.”

They clash hard. They get into yelling matches. Billy never puts a hand on him, but the arguments aren’t exactly great. Billy cries to Steve at night, fear shaking him down to his core, still able to see and hear himself yelling at that boy who fights tooth and nail back with him.

“You’re not a bad person, Billy.”

“Why do I do that shit?” He asks, knowing full well no one but him could ever really know.

It’s not like it’s anything too vitriolic. It’s not like it’s anything really poisonous.

It’s over the fact that he stays out too late at night, and Billy gets worried. It’s the fact that Billy found cigarettes in his room and he knows the bad effects of cigarettes. It’s the fact that he pushed his little brother one day and made him scrape his knee and he needed to learn some boundaries. It’s the fact that he lied about his grades when Billy felt they gave him no reason to do such a thing.

It’s fatherly things. That’s what Hop assures him as Billy cries on the phone with him.

“It’s things I would have done with you.”

Billy never ever knows what to make of that. What to make of what he’d be like now if Hop was his father from the start. If Hop was there from the beginning. If Neil hadn’t made him a monster in his own image.

Billy does his best to get through to him. Get through to his son now because he’s his son now.

Billy feels like the worst, most undeserving father.

As the kids have gotten older, they learned better ways to celebrate father’s day. They learn breakfast in bed isn’t really what the two of them would prefer- a nice lunch and getting to spend some time with them sounds better. A homemade card always goes on the mantle or the fridge with the rest of the collection. A few hugs because those are like treasured gifts in this house with kids who have a history of boundary and trust issues with parental figures.

The older son catches Billy alone in the kitchen.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Billy replies awkwardly back. The silence is jarring.

“I uh… uhm.” He’s struggling. Billy wants to do something more than just stand here, but he’s not sure what. He doesn’t want to push anything too far. He wants to be good at this.

The boy puts a small, wrapped box on the counter with an envelope underneath and slides it over.

“Happy Father's day.” He mumbles, suddenly fidgeting.

Billy stares at them.

“You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to.”

There’s another pause, heavy with all the weight and worry in Billy’s heart. He reaches for the box, rips the paper open easily, lifts up the lid.

“It’s uh… it’s just a couple tapes of some of those… bands you like. And talk about. All the time.” The boy snickers, but it catches in his throat. He’s so nervous. “My friend’s family was getting rid of a bunch of their tapes and I know you’ve got your old tape player still so… uh… yeah.”

It’s a mixed bag of absolute classics. Some tapes he used to have, others he’s always wanted. Zeppelin, Ted Nugent, Def Leppard, Billy Idol, AC/DC, Alice Cooper… his heart skips. He lost a lot of his tapes after all the sudden moves he’s had to make. His eyes start to well.

“I… I don’t know what to say.” Billy pushes out on a whisper.

“Are they any good?”

“They’re… they’re awesome, kid.”

“There’s a card too y’know.” The boy adds, still shuffling nervously.

Billy slips it out from under the box, pulling his finger underneath the flap to open it.

It’s… it’s ridiculous. It’s one of the cheesiest cards Billy’s ever seen. He thinks back to all the stupid, jokey cards he used to pick out with his mother. The joke inside actually makes him laugh, loud and bright.

There’s words written underneath, quite a few scribbled out and then-

Sorry for all the trouble. I think I just don’t like knowing you’re right sometimes… but thank you for everything.

The words are nearly chicken scratch- wobbly letters clearly written with a nervous and shaky hand. The boy is damn near bouncing now, damn near trying to crawl out of his skin with nerves.

It’s the best, prettiest, most wonderful chicken scratch handwriting Billy has ever seen. He can barely see it now through his misty eyes.

“Your… handwriting is really nice.”

The boy scoffs loudly.

“Uh, thanks?” He sounds like he doesn’t believe it. Still, Billy could swear he sees the boy preen, just a little.

“Thank you.” Billy says, fighting back tears, trying like hell to hold himself together. “I’m sorry, too. I don’t… I don’t have to yell at you so much. At all. I’m sorry about it.”

The boy is just staring at him, eyes a little wide and a little shocked. Billy feels his heart lurch. He just wants to be fucking good at this.

“I’m gonna do better.” Billy asserts through a not-so-wobbly-anymore voice

The boy gives a small smile that grows a bit wider. If Billy isn’t absolutely crazy yet, he’d say that the boy’s eyes are getting a bit misty too.

“So are those tapes actually good?” The boy asks, clearing his throat and trying to seem casual. Billy sees more and more of himself in him.

“Hell yeah… do you think I’d have bad taste?”

His son cackles just a bit, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, alright then. Whatever you say.”

There’s a pause. Billy takes the card and tucks it back into the envelope to save for himself- to put in a special place in his and Steve’s room. He then busies himself with shuffling through his tapes before his son says-

“We can… listen to some of them. If you want.”

Billy’s eyes shine with excitement and appreciation.

Listening to the tapes together is wonderful. They rib each other about what songs are better, what voices do and don’t sound the same, what the lyrics are like. They learn more about each other and maybe Billy is finally forced to admit that they’re a lot more alike than he realized.

And Billy starts to feel that maybe… maybe he can finally define what a father really means to him. And father’s days start to feel a bit more like they belong to him, too.

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marigold-doms · 3 years

Note

Hii! Love your stories, really good job🥺💕

I'd really like to request an Ateez oneshot based on the music video of the "Treat You Better" song of Shawn Mendes (if you have ever seen it). I actually am new to tumblr, so idk how this request thing works, I'm really sorry....Soo you can choose just one of the members, otherwise I would like to ask each of them🥺. If I have to be detailed: the plot is like, Y/N is in a really toxic relationship with a bad guy, n the boy/s are Y/N's best friend (or just friend), possibly in love with her, helps her out, with a good ending. Hope this is not too much 😖

Thank u in advance 💕💕🙏🏾

Mika🌻: ahhh hi hi!! thank sm for requesting queen!!! 😘So sorry that I’m getting this out soo late but I hope you like what I did with your request💕It would take me ages to do a one shot for each member so I decided to do a headcannon/reaction to how each member would get you out of this toxic relationship. I hope that’s okay🥺

(the gifs that I used here are so irrelevant to the reaction... oh well😂)

|| Ateez Reacts || to your toxic boyfriend

—hongjoong🌻—

He’s the first to say that he hates him.

Hongjoong right off the bat knows that he doesn’t vibe with him because this man has a really good sense of people and especially knowing that you’re getting involved with that man makes him uneasy.

You could say that his love for you was nothing short of intense and sometimes overbearing.

Of course, you had already decided to date the man so he couldn’t stop you from your inevitable heartbreak.

“You hurt her I swear you won’t be hearing from her anymore because you’ll have to answer to me.”

When he figures out that your boyfriend verbally abuses you, from hearing it across the hall, he’s so quick to find you and snatch you away.

“You have no right in talking to her like that. She deserves more than you.”

You’re crying in his arms with the studio door locked. You wanted out of the relationship and you finally felt confident with hongjoong’s support that you could escape.

He has always been there for you and in a way you’ve always known that he’s been in love with you.

“I need a new start, joongie.” You sniffle into his chest before looking up at him. “You think you could be here for me?”

Hongjoong brushes the hair from your sticky face. “Of course, angel.”

—seonghwa🌻—

Your best friend does not tell you what he really feels about your bf.

His answer to your problems have always been. “if you’re happy with him, it’s your choice to stay or not.”

Seonghwa hated being the one to figure out that your man has been play you this entire time. He regrets telling you to stay if you’re happy—your bf seemed happier in the arms of another.

And his heart completely shatters for you. He wants no part in causing your heart break.

So being the calm and composed man that he is, he confronts your boyfriend.

The man is caught red handed and he has no explanation for himself.

“you better tell y/n,” Seonghwa says, shoving his hands in his pockets to pull out his phone. “Or I might have to give my best friend a little proof photo before she has reason to break up with you.”

“She’s my cousin.”

“I’m sure you don’t grasp your cousin’s ass while making out with her in front of your car.” Seonghwa reveals the picture before shoving it back in his pocket. “You have 5 hours.”

A true king. He finds justice for you.

—yunho🌻—

Yunho’s actually stunned when you tell him who you’re dating. It breaks his heart because he knows the kind of man that your boyfriend is. And it pains him to warn you.

“You don’t know him, Yunho. He’s not like that.”

This makes things rocky between the two of you and a couple months later you’re hit with the realization that he was entirely right. Your man didn’t change and you were completely cornered. You’ve had enough of his hot and cold. Breaking up 5 times in the past few months. Who knows how many girl’s he’s been with during those breaks. You were through being thrown down after being lifted up.

Yunho catches you on accident when you’re crying in the stairwell of the library at night.

‘Y/n!” He rushes to you and automatically hugs you. “What happened?”

Tears are spilling out of your eyes while your mouth is struggling to put out the words. “I was wrong Yunho! I’m so sorry! Im sorry I pushed you away! I’m so sorry!!”

Yunho shhh’s you and he calms you by petting slow strokes over your back like he used to do when you were in high school. “It’ll be okay. You have a choice and I can help you with what ever you decide. Okay love? It’s okay to leave him.”

You nod, already knowing that he’s gonna be there through it all and you couldn’t be more grateful for having Yunho in your life.

—yeosang🌻—

Yeosang is too private to tell you his true feelings and most of the things he says to your are mild roasts, like the savage person he is.

But when it comes to seeing how you’re completely in love with another man, it breaks his heart to even call that guy your boyfriend.

“Is your thing coming today?”

“You talk about him like he’s a disease.” You narrow your eyes at him as you share your ice cream bowl.

“Because he is. Coming when he wants and leaving like he didn’t do any damage.”

You start to feel sad and Yeosang knows he’s said too much.

“Y/n... I’m sorry I—“

“No it’s okay. You aren’t wrong.” You look at your hands but the night begins when your boyfriend walks through the door.

That night you’d had enough. Yeosang wakes up to banging on his door and when he opens it, he’s shocked to see you in front of him with a sad smile on your face.

There are tears in your eyes when you say it to him. “I did it. I broke up with him.”

Yeosang mirrors your smile before letting you into his apartment. “About time, dummy.”

—san🌻—

He’s the most emotional one about this. Super pouty when you are around and you;re so used to him joking about being your boyfriend instead that somehow it’s like water off a ducks back and you kind of disregard his sincerity.

When you get a boyfriend and he realizes that he’s not the man that he’s portraying himself to be to you, he looses his mind seeing him with you.

“Are you sure he makes you happy?” San asks you for the hundredth time.

“Yes San, I’m fine.” You aren’t fine. You thought that the man of your dreams was supposed to put you first not to only call you when he’s horny.

San notices everything and he hates that he sees right through your lies.

One night he’ll just come to your apartment in hopes to talk to you about it but he’s shocked to find you crying on the floor because your toxic boyfriend has yet again left you alone to deal with the aftermath of an unsettled argument.

“That’s it, I’m tired of seeing you do this to yourself!”

San collects you from the ground and helps you into your bed. “I’m calling him.”

You don’t stop him this time because you know that he’s truly there to help you out.

In your time of need, San is there to help you mend yourself and he does his best to make sure that you are happy.

—mingi🌻—

There’s no aggression in this man when he talks to you but with your boyfriend. All offense should be taken.

Mingi wants your toxic boyfriend to know that he doesn’t like him. HE wont reflect that onto you though because mingi thinks that its only fair to treat you like a queen.

Throws him hella attitude when he is alone with him and even flat out asks you why you haven’t just broken up with him yet.

when he catches your bf bring his hand up to hit you, he sees your reaction of flinching and he instantly grabs his wrist.

”You’re out of your goddamn mind to think that I wont do anything about you even thinking that you could lay a finger on her. I never want you around her, ever.”

Mingi is just a loud teddy bear but he will not hesitate to knock out your abusive boyfriend.

“Come on y/n. Let’s find someone who’ll treat you better.”

“You think that you’ll be better?” Your ex questions.

“Better than you could ever try. At least he cares.” You defend mingi.

Mingi’s heart almost melts as he takes you into his car to drive back to his apartment.

—wooyoung🌻—

Is the first to challenge your bf

He always tries to show how superior he is to him.

one because he has the fattest crush on you and he would hate to feel like the guy you fell in love with is better than him.

You might‘ve just over looked a flaw and wooyoung was going to make sure that he figured out what it was

Terribly for you, it was that your bf was sleeping with your roommate when you were out of town.

He didn’t want to just tell you what was going on, he wanted to get revenge for you. Make the guy have a taste of his own medicine.

“You know I told her that you were sleeping around.” Wooyoung leans against the door of your apartment, right in front of your roommate as soon as your bf is about to leave. “That both of you are sleeping together.”

Ofc he hasn’t told you yet... but he wants to see the fear and regret in their eyes.

“Looks like you have a lot of explaining to do later.” He’ll then leave and quickly drive to where you are. Wanting to be there for you when he tells you the truth about your toxic partner.

—jongho🌻—

Jongho is definitely the type to keep his crush on you a huge secret.

its less of a secret when your toxic boyfriend confronts jongho about how he knows about his crush.

To intimidate him—but unfortunately for Your bf—jongho is not easily wavered.

“And what Are you gonna do about it if I am?”

“I’ll just tell her not to talk to you—afterall, she’s in love with me.”

This was when jongho realized that your bf was a manipulative/possessive person. And he wasn’t about to allow this person further into your life.

His plan? Easy. Make your bf so jealous that he ends up getting his poor little heart broken because you couldn’t take that he was being too suffocating.

And who’s there to do damage control and show you how much better of a boyfriend he is when your ex finally leaves your life???

EXACTLY. Plan well thought out and jongho is finna show you what it’s like for a real man to treat you right.

#ateez reactions #ateez fluff #mika’s works #Hongjoong #seonghwa #yunho #San #yeosang #mingi #wooyoung #jongho #ateez imagines #ateez scenarios #ateez smut #kpop reactions

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thebomb-thebird-andtheburntbitch · 3 years

Text

all three heartbeats

bakugou katsuki / f.reader

genre: married au (husband/wife), angst, hurt/comfort?, fluff, katsuki being a sap in lowercase

synposis: katsuki works full time as a prohero, but his time working to ensure the publics safety kept him busy- far too busy at times. he seeks comfort in you and his newborn little girl because the both of you keep him grounded and keep him fighting. he just wishes he could find a way to feel like a better father and husband.

w.count: 3.6k

a/n: hi hello i aint never written for bnha before and i thought i would never write anime fics again but here we are years after (it has been actual years, someone save me LOL). what better way than to start back out with blasty amiright?

It was one of those nights. Katsuki had just walked into his home at an ungodly hour and as he shut the door behind him, he leaned his back against it, He flicked all three locks of the front door shut and dropped his duffle bag at his feet before he tipped his head back to rest on the wood. He closed his eyes, sighing as he had the urge to just sink to the floor of the entryway landing and power nap.

Lord knows when his phone would buzz or ring again- his seemingly never ending work calling him to clock in again. It seemed like recently he never clocked out of his job- always working, patrolling, fighting petty villains trying to commit petty crimes and occasionally stopping more dangerous situations that kept him on edge and busy for hours to days on end.

The duffle he dropped at his feet was full with his gear and his hero suit that was in desperate need of washing and minor repairs- things that if he even muttered to himself about, you would happily offer your aid.

His closed eyes opened and his chin dropped back down, the back of his head coming off the door as he pushed the rest of his body off it as well. He heeled off his shoes and ruffled his hair as he finally walked into his home, leaving his duffle at the door as he made his way to the bathroom.

In all honesty, Katsuki wanted to go immediately to the room he shared with you where he knew you were asleep. He desperately needed a shower though, and he wasn’t planning on crawling into bed to hold you smelling like sweat, smoke and hero work.

You told him before you didn’t mind his post-work scent, in fact you told him it was charming in it’s own way since it was proof that Pro Hero: Dynamight worked harder than anyone else to one day be the No.1 Hero he’d been dreaming of his entire life.

Katsuki never told you, but he’d think about that almost everyday and it always made him smile when he did.

The shower he took was brisk and quick because all he wanted to do was go to bed. He couldn’t remember the last time he wasn’t just taking power naps on the couch at the agency. He couldn’t remember the last time he got to go to sleep in his own bed. Katsuki couldn’t remember the last time he got to hold you and it was starting to really piss him off.

Since graduating UA, getting engaged, married and then having a child with you, is tempter had considerably settled. He wasn’t entirely tame by any means, he was still a quick fire with insults, refused to use people’s names and stuck to stupid nicknames he thought of, cursed like a sailor and exploded when something mildly frustrating ticked him off- but he wasn’t like he was before.

When Katsuki can stand to be in the same room as Todoroki and Midoriya and not blow a giant fuse within the first sentence exchange, anyone would call that progress.

It was no shock that you were a large factor in his settled image- he had to start leaning self control and how to manager his attitude. The one extremely rocky point in your relationship with Katsuki back when you both were third years and you threatened to leave him if he didn’t shape up made him change. It wasn’t easy, but the arguments and fights you both had back then serve as a reminder of how far he had come according to you.

When Katsuki stepped out of the bathroom, he sighed- feeling refreshed- as he walked to the bedroom with a towel around his waist and another over his head drying his hair. It was way too late to be running the hairdryer, he’d risk waking up his child that he knew was otherwise dead to the world in their crib.

Twisting the doorknob as quietly as he could, Katsuki stepped into the bedroom and his eyes immediately looked to the bed, seeing your body’s shape beneath the comforter of the giant, Alaskan king bed you insisted you absolutely needed.

He felt his lips twitch as he left the door cracked to let in a small amount of light from the hall without stirring you. He went to his dresser and snatched a pair of shorts and a tank top and threw them on before he left the room as quietly as he had come in.

Katsuki went back to the front door and picked up his duffle bag, moving it into the living room and setting it on the couch to fiddle with it in the morning. He grabbed his phone from the side pouch of the duffle and began to shut the lights off and retreated back down the hall.

Before he went back to the room you slept in to join you, he stopped first in the room that was directly across the hall from his and yours and as quiet as a mouse crept in.

The nursey was painted in a pale yellow with sunflowers painted on the walls (curtesy of the bakusquad who insisted they were in charge of nursery decorations). Against the wall was a shelved cubby for toys and items for the baby and beside that was a changing table. Across the room was a tall dresser filled with way too many baby onesies and outfits for the future.

Katsuki walked to the white, wooden crib at the back of the room as the room itself was glowing in the soft, blue light of the baby’s nightlight. He leaned over the crib side and looked down to see his child sleeping just as quiet as can be.

He smiled as he reached down and stroked her chubby cheeks with the back of his knuckles. She was warm and soft.

“Hey there, Girlie,” he whispered, barely audible. Just watching his little girl sleep so soundly made his chest warm. God, he loved her so much. He frowned as he thought about how tough it might be on you while he’s away looking after her by yourself. She was barely a few months old and he hasn’t even had a weekend with you two yet.

Katsuki bit his lip to keep from letting the disappointment he felt in himself slip out in the form of growls.

He stuck around in the nursey for a few more minutes, just petting and admiring his child before he snuck back out and finally, finally went back to his room and as carefully as possible slid into bed.

You slept in the center of the bed that could easily fit four sleeping bodies, and Katsuki shuffled in further towards you before he was right behind you. He stared at your back in the dark room, his eyes adjusting more and more as the minutes pass.

Katsuki lightly grabbed your shoulder before he was pulling you to your back and then reaching over you to lay on your chest. On an ordinary day, Katsuki would be happy just holding you, but he felt especially worn out and drained. So, for once, even if you were sleeping, he just wanted to be held instead.

His cheek pushed into your chest, listening to your steady heartbeat beneath his ear. His right arm stretched over your shoulder to rest by your head and his left stayed beside his own body, his right leg hiked over your waist to be as close to you as he could get.

He felt his eyes roll before he shut them, finally feeling comfortable and warm and safe for the first time in days. He was finally breathing easy and all he wanted to do was stay here, in your arms, for the rest of his life.

As he started to finally doze off, his eyes fluttered open at the feeling of something carding through his hair.

He heard you take a deep breath before you were shifting just a bit to curl around him more and he felt your chin push against the top of his head.

“Go back to sleep,” he muttered, feeling your sleepy gaze on the top of his head. The small, sleepy chuckle that left your chest hummed against his cheek.

“Welcome home,” you whispered, sleep laced heavily in your voice as he felt your lips push against his scalp. “How was work?” You ask so innocently, but the question only made Katsuki burrow his face into your chest further. He doesn’t answer you, so you prompt him further. “Katsuki?”

“Don’t wanna talk about it,” he muttered, lifting his face just enough to speak clearly then pushing it back down again.

You say nothing at that and instead return to just carding your fingers through his semi-damp hair as you bask in each other and the silence of the house. You glance over to the alarm clock, seeing the time 4:03 am in orange, glowing numbers.

You feel like you have loads you want to talk about with Katsuki, things you want to share with him that had happened and things you want to have him tell you that’s happened, but it’s too quiet and too peaceful to bring them up. They’d have to wait.

“’m sorry,” he suddenly spoke from where he lay on your chest. Your fingers stop their mindless fiddling in his hair and he grips onto you tighter.

“What for?”

“Not being here.”

You felt your heart crack at the tone of his voice. He’s always been more open and mushy around you- as much as he denies it and he only get’s more open and more mushy when he was sleep deprived and just plain exhausted.

“I’m always working, always gone, always away doing fuck-knows-what out there and not here. I’m not home and that’s gotta really fucking suck.” He’s silent for a moment but you dare not speak. You feel like he’s been holding a lot in recently and if he’s choosing now to let it all out, you would silently encourage him to do that.

“I mean-” he scoffs at himself, “we’re married for fucks sake. We have a baby and I’m basically leaving you home alone day after day to raise her by yourself.”

“What?” Your shocked to think that’s how he feels. “Katsuki, that’s not-”

“It feels true,” he whimpers. “I feel like if I keep doing this, keep leaving you and Misuzu alone,” his voice cracks at the sound of his daughter’s name leaving his lips, “then you’ll both just disappear and I won’t even have the balls to go after you two.” You think you feel something wet seep through your sleep shirt, but you don’t say a thing about it. “I don’t feel like a husband and I don’t feel like a father. How can I feel like a hero if I can’t even spare the time to be with my god damn family?”

“Well,” you start. In truth, all you want to do is console him, but for all you know that could make him feel worse. You had to figure out what he wanted first. “What do you want to do then?”

He took a deep breath before he let it out again.

“I think I’m going to take some time off,” he concluded. It had been on his mind recently and now was as good a time as any. He just wanted to be home. “Maybe a week or two.”

“If that’s what you really want to do, then I think that’s a great idea. Just don’t forget to tell Eijirou or else he’ll blow a fuse if he just think’s your late because the great Dynamight is always punctual.”

You got a hearty puff of air and smile out of him for that little line. it was no shock that when all came down to it, Kirishima Eijirou and Bakugou Katsuki ended up working in the same agency.

“I’ll just text the bastard.”

“You need to tell the agency too, you dolt,” you lightly whacked him on the bed as he groaned. Getting time off wasn’t going to be hard for him considering the god awful hours he’s been forced into the past however long. Just going into the office to get that time off is annoying and a process he wish he could get someone else do to for him. “Just head out in the morning and let both your partner and your agency know. It won’t be so bad.”

“Whatever,” he huffed. “Just, go back to sleep.”

You glanced back at the clock to see that only about half and hour had passed. You sighed as you closed your eyes happily ready to return to sleep before Misuzu woke up.

You swore Katsuki was out before you.

-x-x-x-

You woke up three hours later, just after 7 am to the sounds of your daughter’s crying from her nursey. When you opened your eyes and sat up, your husband was no where to be seen.

You frowned, knowing that he was awake somewhere and he had only slept a few hours. Shaking your head, you got up and went to Misuzu’s room to get her from her crib and bring her into your arms.

You shushed the infant in your arms as you left the nursey and walked around the house. Katsuki was no where to be found and his everyday shoes were gone from the shoe rack next to the door. He must’ve went out already.

Not thinking much of it, you moved to the kitchen to grab one of Mizusu’s bottles from the fridge. One plus of pumping was getting bottles for the future- but that was one of the only pros among a number of cons.

With Misuzu being still so young, she didn’t do much beside nursing, napping and diaper calls. She would coo and whine and clutch onto your fingers and clothes and hair, but her energy was never prolonged.

After nursing, burping and playing with her she was yawning again. You left to place her back in her crib in her room as you let he sleep a little while longer. Flipping on the baby monitor, you left the room and went to the kitchen. Your daughter had breakfast, it was only fair that you got something to eat too.

As you scrambled the last eggs in your fridge, enough for Katsuki just in case you saw him this morning, you heard the front door open and shut again. You smiled as you heard footsteps come treading into the kitchen and you looked over your shoulder to see your husband.

You smiled at him as he rubbed the back of his head. Dressed in jeans that tore just slightly in the thighs and a t-shirt, Wwhen he saw you, he immediately started going towards you.

“Good morning,” you told him as he was at your side looking over your shoulder. “Welcome home.”

“Mmn,” he hummed at you.

“Where’d you go so early in the morning?”

“Agency.”

“You should’ve slept in a little bit more. You didn’t sleep long.”

“I didn’t want to wait any more to just be able to stay home.”

You smiled at his answer. You brought one hand up to pat his cheek as he leaned into your touch.

“Why don’t you go get comfortable if you’re staying home then?”

He hummed at you again, nodding before he kissed your shoulder and sauntered back into your shared room. He took his time getting changed and getting into more homey clothes, because when he came back into the kitchen you were placing your food on plates for the both of you.

This time, when he came to you, instead of standing beside you, he latched onto you from behind as he buried his face into your neck. You could tell from the feeling of his eyelashes tickling your skin that he was still tired. You had half a mind to tell him to just go back to bed and he could really wake up and eat later.

The way he tightened his grip on your waist and started to sway ever so gently back and forth in the kitchen made you stay silent though. It was a serene moment between you two and you just closed your eyes and basked in it. It had been so long since you just got to bask in him and him in you.

“You hungry?” You asked as softly as you could muster. He nodded but made no effort to try and move away from you. “Do you expect to eat with your face hidden?” You teased.

“Just a little longer,” he muffled, his breath making your skin rise with gooseflesh as it tickled.

Half and hour later, you were taking his plate from him as he cleaned it of food and went to put them in the sink. He jumped from his chair at the table before he was gently moving you away from the metal hole in the counter where you were about to wash the dishes you had dirtied this morning.

“I’ll wash them,” he insisted.

“I don’t mind doing it.”

“Don’t be so damned stubborn. You cooked, so it’s fair.”

You shrugged as you relented. “If you really insist. Thank you, Katsuki.” You placed a small, short kiss on his cheek before you moved back to the table to sit.

As he cleaned up the dishes, you sat at the table and fiddled with your phone, scrolling through apps to see what you missed and then flicking occasionally to watch Katsuki’s back.

“I feel you fuckin’ staring,” he spoke as he shut the water off, shaking his hands before he dried them on a towel. The dishes all sat in a plastic draining rack as he turned around and leaned against the counter. You placed your chin in your palm as you laughed at him.

“Yeah? Got a problem with it?”

“Not necessarily.”

You both jumped when a small whine was heard over the speaker of the baby monitor you had sitting on the center of the table. You pushed your chair out, but before you could even stand up, Katsuki was up and down the hall to check on Misuzu.

When you made it to her door, he had already lifted her out of her crib. She had reached up and snagged a tiny handful of her father’s hair as he hissed.

“Listen you little brat, just because your my baby doesn’t mean you can yank on my hair.” Her small fist only yanked down on his hair more as if to say ‘I can and will’. You chuckled as you walked into the nursey and started to detangle her hand from his blond hair.

Katsuki watched as her fingers released his hair and instead wrapped around your finger as you bounced it slightly. Her tiny arm moved in tandem with your finger bounces.

“Hey,” your soft voice calling him suddenly brought him out of his own mind. You gently pulled Misuzu’s fingers off you as you pushed your palm against Katsuki’s cheek. “Why are you crying?”

Was he? God, he hated crying- especially in front of you. He clicked his tongue, whipping his head to face away from you as he used one of his hands to quickly swipe under his eyes.

“I’m not.”

You smiled at him, holding back a laugh as you pushed your husband into the living room to let Misuzu play on the floor. Katsuki sat on the living room floor cross legged as you watched him play with her as she lay on her back.

Occasionally he would glance at the time and remind you to pump, as if your tender chest wasn’t a constant reminder anyway. You always just nodded and told him you would when you needed to.

The three of you spent the morning in the living room until the infant began to yawn back to back and rub at her eyes clumsily. You let Katsuki put her down for her nap in the afternoon since he never really had the opportunity to. Through the baby monitor you could hear him mutter and coo at her to go to sleep.

When she was down, Katsuki came back into the living room and sat himself beside you on the couch. He sighed, throwing his head back against the couch and closing his eyes, obviously ready for a nap himself.

“Why not try and sleep while she’s down?” You had planned on getting him to rest while you start to go through the duffle bag you had relocated to the corner of the room a while ago to see what all he needed done with his hero equipment.

He opened one of his eyes, seeing you eyeing towards his bag and he frowned. He shifted his body, snatched your waist and threw himself back to lay on the cushions, you following in tow to lay on top of him.

“Katsuki!” You scolded in a hushed tone as to not wake up your daughter who just went to sleep.

“I’ll nap here and you will too. No objections.” He brought one of his hands up to start stroking your head. “Just let me take care of my god damn wife for once.” You just shook your head and pushed your cheek further against his chest to get comfortable. When he says it like that, you can’t really bring yourself to oppose him.

“Hey,” you whispered. You felt him hum in response to you. “I love you.”

His legs shifted and his arms wrapped around you tighter, getting more comfortable. He let out a deep, comfortable breath as you felt him push his cheek into the top of your head.

“‘Fuckin’ love you too.”

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neozoid · 3 years

Text

Peril comes out

Peril's wingtips touched Clay's as they silently soared through the soft gray rain.

Half an hour ago, she had asked him if he would take just one moment to fly with her. After everything that had happened, with Jade Mountain Academy under threat and those little rapscallions - Moon, Turtle, Kinkajou, Anemone, Qibli, and Winter - had all managed to save it. The past week... no, weeks? She had lost track of time. But they had been a blur - a blur of emotions, of frustration, of painful, deep searing guilt, Darkstalker's scroll looming in her mind, and of longing. She hadn't gotten to talk to Clay in so long, and she wasn't sure that at the end of it he'd still feel the same way about her that he did when she saved his life on the brightest night.

She turned to look at his face in the grayness. His expression was focused, concentrated, effortful.

He must still be in a lot of pain from that burn I gave him, Peril thought guiltily.

No! She shook her head. I kept him alive! If it wasn't for me he'd be dead! But that didn't make her feel any better.

She turned her gaze back down to the valleys below, vast and dotted in slate blue pine trees obscured by the falling droplets. They rolled harmlessly off Clay, but they sizzled when they hit her and dissolved into steam, making her look like a ghost in flight. The rocky outcroppings below resembled a sleeping dragon - as if the landscape itself, was, once again, put to rest after Darkstalker's second sleep.

"Peril," Clay spoke.

She whipped her head around to him. "Clay?"

"I'm... I'm starting to get a bit tired. Do you think we could stop somewhere down below? Maybe in a cave."

She quickly scanned the landscape below her, and saw an opening just a half mile away. "Yeah, I see something down there." She turned herself in the direction of the cave, and Clay followed her.

As they came in for a landing, Peril opened her wings wide, scattering a million fallen petals that intermingled with the rain. She softly touched down and carefully wrapped her wings around herself, and looked back at Clay, beckoning.

They both sat in the mouth of the cave, tails twined, watching the rain fall.

After what seemed like just a moment (but Peril knew full well was the better part of an hour,) Clay looked at her and asked "So... do you want to talk about Scarlet? Or Ruby? Or the stuff that happened while you were helping Moon and her friends save Jade Mountain?"

Peril stared at him, startled. "No! I mean, yes! I mean, just..." She sighed and looked at the roof of the cave. "I do, but like... hrmmmnnm." She closed her mouth shut and hummed.

"I get it. It can be hard to talk about stuff like this. It took us five forever to find the time to reflect and talk about our feelings after everything happened." He looked at the ceiling too and laughed. "Tsunami..." he muttered happily, and shortly his smile faded, his face a sad, wistful stare. "And Glory."

"I... hm." She fidgeted with her talons nervously. "I mean, I DO want to talk about Queen Scarlet and Ruby and-" she shook her head, "not-queen-Scarlet and- arghh, but it's so! CONFUSING! And it makes me mad to think about her manipulating like that. I trusted her, I really did and..."

Clay looked into the rain. "Like we trusted Morrowseer."

"I... I guess... yeah..." She looked into a corner awkwardly, but then curled her fist. "She shouldn't have betrayed us like that!" she roared.

"What about... Turtle?" Clay offered.

Peril's heart jumped in her stomach. She thought about Turtle, the only other dragon who had understood and trusted her, at least for a while. How protective she felt of him, how she wanted to follow him (and then not...) when they were trying to find Queen Scarlet. She thought about how he went underwater that night, making her rage about how she couldn't get to him, and how regretful she felt when she left him behind. He made her feel new things, just like Clay, new weird things.

"He was nice, I guess."

"How did he feel about being an animus? That must've been why he was able to sympathize with you. He knew if he revealed his animus secret he'd be thrust into the talons of others and the plans they wanted for him, and the only way to avoid that was deep, resolute isolation. He knows how that feels, Peril."

She fumed with fury for a second. Why could he hide! He got to choose that lousy isolation, but she didn't have a choice! Then she thought about his pain-stricken face when she found his healing rock, or his vengeful look as he bashed Chameleon upside the-

Chameleon.

She stared through the wall of water passing outside.

"Peril," Clay whispered.

"Oh. Right." She looked back at him.

"I know it's a lot of stuff to think about, but I can't keep carrying this conversation by myself." He softly chuckled with a warm, patient smile.

She blushed and fluttered her wings. "Right. Sorry, sorry. I was just- argh. Arghhh." She squirmed, as if caterpillars were crawling out of her skin.

Do I tell him?

"Turtle," she said resolutely, "taught me new things about myself. He reminded me of you, actually, Clay. You were my first exposure to life outside the Skywing Palace, and if I'm being honest I was kind of disappointed with the other dragonets at Jade Academy, how they treated me. I thought they'd be like you - I thought everyone in the outside world would be like that."

Clay winced.

"But Turtle! Turtle has his friends, and, surely, he's taught them! I keep getting letters from them. Which is like, weird, but the fact that someone's thinking about me!? While I'm not in front of them!?! Threatening to blaze their FACE or melt their SKIN off!?!?!" She yelled with a smile. "It's CRAAAAZY!"

Clay let out a hearty laugh, smiling as well.

"And Queen Ruby - she hated me, she hated me so bad Clay, she hated me just as much as the other Skywings did, if not more. If Scarlet's twisted love is what makes me ache, Ruby's absolute hatred of me tore me to the core. She looked at me and didn't want anybody, nobody in the whole world to do anything with me. Didn't want anyone to touch me, look at me, love me. She saw me as an irredeemable monster because of things I couldn't control." Peril's face contorted in despair.

"But Tourmaline... Someone who hadn't been fed Scarlet's lies... She saw right through that and she knew deep in my heart I COULD love." She scratched her snout awkwardly. "Well, at least I think I can. I'm not sure."

Clay lovingly jabbed her with her shoulder, and she giggled.

"But that pure strong spirit.... It's so." Her stomach dropped. "It's so scary what Chameleon did to her. Ripped her title, her memories, her life away just for some gold, some jewels." She spat on the ground.

"And Chameleon..."

Her stomach felt like a howling void, ready to collapse her from the inside out.

Do I tell him?

What if he hates me?

He should hate me.

I'm just as bad as him.

I'm just like my dad.

She turned to Clay terrified.

"I-" she sputtered. "I want to tell you something."

Clay looked at her face, concerned, but he motioned around. "Just you and me."

"I-" Peril's muscles clenched, her veins wrapped all around inside her, her bones stabbed inside her, shame made her heat blaze ever hotter, shame and guilt and pain and fear. She wanted to fall into the ground and have it swallow her up, but she knew she didn't have a choice.

"I'm not - I'm not actually a girl. I was hatched as a boy. I- I- Queen Scarlet, she said, she- she wanted me to be like her and- " Words started running over one another. "When you got here- I- I- I just felt like protecting you- and- but- I didn't want you to give up on me- Having a relationship- I-" She wanted to die. She wanted to disappear. "I'm a liar. I'm- I'm just like Chameleon," she howled. "I'm faking it. I- I wanted you but I- I just-" She let go, and wailed.

She looked back at him. "P-please don't-don't hate me," Peril choked through tears.

Clay softly gazed at her, leaned in closer, his wings wrapping around her, and kissed her on her snout.

Peril tears turned to confusion as she leaped with delight and her scales roared a bright blazing blue, the searing heat singing any leftover moss in the cavern. Clay reflexively pulled away, and patted his singed scales, laughing.

"Ow, geez, haha! Not like that!"

"I- I- Huh??"

Peril stepped back, but looked up and peered at his expression.

He really doesn't hate me, she thought wondrously.

As Clay turned looking over himself, his scales settled, and as the smoke rose, he looked at Peril.

"You know, someone else actually said something similar to me a little while ago." He sat back down.

Peril crooned. "R-Really?"

"Yeah. It was - it was Sunny."

Peril's jaw dropped open.

"She'd mentioned to me how she'd - during our time fulfilling the dragonet prophecy, she'd... we'd kind of ignore her most of the time. Not take her seriously. When we first planned on escaping the cavern, we didn't tell her.... she was so upset, afterwards. And in all of our discussions and planning afterwards, we'd step on her feelings. Actually, you remember the Nightwing invasion? Or, well, whatever came of the invasion before they all came crashing into Glory's rainforest under fealty."

"Yeah?" Peril looked at him.

"She was the one who came up with the idea of using the sleeping darts! But Glory was planning, and the others were shouting, so she had to ask me to use my voice and SHOUT it at everyone. The point is, she felt small. And overly protected - we didn't respect her whole, y'know, feelings as part of the team."

Peril flicked her tail, anxious.

"So... A couple nights ago, she talked to me in private, and she told me how she'd been feeling, and... she said she didn't really feel like it was right to be a Queen anymore. Given Thorn had safely secured the position, and was doing a good job... And with everything about the Eye of Onyx." Clay shifted on his talons. "She could trust it to pick a new leader. And the thing is, you know how... you've seen Deathbringer. You've seen Riptide. You've seen Starflight and maybe even Winter and Qibli. And maybe even Darkstalker, and Clearsight."

He sighed.

"Male dragons have a strong feeling to protect one person, the one person who brings them all the light in the world. Sunny said she didn't really feel like that - like one person had captured her whole heart in their hands. But she certainly didn't want to be the object of that kind of affection either. And Sunny didn't feel like Queen Coral or Thorn or Scarlet either, where she wanted to protect her own kin, her own future. She wants to protect everybody. And more than that, she doesn't want to be Sunny the small and weak and lovable, or Sunny the fierce and possessive and loyal. She just wants to be... Sunny, helping out wherever she can."

Peril stared at him intently, blue eyes locked in brown. "And?"

"Well, at first we tried just referring to Sunny by name to sort of, you know, respect her decision, but Starflight looked through the library and found in some old scrolls people using 'they' to refer to - did you even know there were dragons who decided to live past being a boy or a girl in the past, just like Sunny? I was surprised."

Peril's mind was racing. "They must be so happy," she said, eyes sparkling.

Outside, the rain had cleared, and Peril noticed out beyond the cave was a huge field of sunflowers, waving and dancing in the cool wind.

Suddenly her thoughts returned to her.

"But that thing you said earlier about protecting..." Peril looked down at her talons uncomfortably.

"Oh yeah - sorry, I... I didn't mean to. I just..." Clay caught himself. "I... I'm sorry Peril. I know your feelings about this must be really, really complicated. I..." Clay looked away again with a twinge of guilt on his face.

Peril stared at him, trembling.

"But Sunny taught me something I hadn't even thought about before." He chuckled. "I did think about it too, but after a long night of restless staring at the sky and thinking I figured I was perfectly happy being a guy. But that look on Sunny's face... they must have struggled as much with telling us as you did."

"I love you, Peril. I don't think you're anything like Chameleon at all. He only used his identities to trick and manipulate others, to get what he wanted for himself. But you've only ever been trying to find yourself - with Scarlet twisting your thoughts from birth, with how everyone's avoided you and you've been excluded from all the Skywings and, man, even the other dragon's games on Jade Mountain. It must hurt so much to be that isolated."

Peril stared into the field, unable to meet his gaze, tears running down her face.

"I just want you to know, Peril, I love you for who you chose to be. For all of your heroism, and your kindness. Your self-restraint. Chameleon had none of those qualities. But you do."

He stared her straight in the eye.

"What you chose is noble, and so so hard. Being true to yourself - more than Chameleon ever was, he couldn't handle being boring old him - is so, so hard. I know."

Peril thought about the Chameleon's enchanted necklace that removed her firescales. She shuddered deeply."

But you did it. And you shouldn't have to live with the shame, or the guilt anymore. You can have a new beginning just like us." His eyes creased as he looked into hers so warmly, making her melt. "You might protect my scales, but I want to protect your smile. I hope you can let me do that."

"I-"

She rushed forward and hugged him, squeezing him tight. Tears streamed down her face, and she choked down a sob, but she hugged him as tight as she could, not letting go.

"Thank you, Clay," she said when she finally let him out of her little death trap.

"Woof!" He stumbled backwards, breathlessly. "I know I said be true to yourself, but maybe we can work a little on the intensity." He looked at her with a silly expression on his face. "Just kidding. You're perfect the way you are."

"Ha ha," she guffawed. "Tell that to anyone else at Jade Academy." She joked, but she knew deep in her heart that the others were starting to see her for what she could be, too. Not just a monster, or a weapon - but a friend.

"So my queen, shall we return to the mountain?" He curtseyed awkwardly, then looked up with one eye. "Actually, wait, that sounds kind of weird? Girlfriend? Babe?" He started scratching his head. "Names were never really my strong suit."

She howled with laughter and smacked him on the back, taking flight. "Just call me Peril," she triumphantly roared. As Clay lept into flight behind her, grinning, Peril thought... Not gonna lie - I like babe too.

#wings of fire #wof #wings of fire spoilers #wof spoilers #wof clay #wof peril #i did it #i wrote my first fanfic

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