#[I just want him to stop feeling like a failure.] | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

brucewaynehater101 · 15 hours

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There's this fic I read a long time ago while I was obsessed with tcf's fics, where OG!Cale's personality is suspiciously a lot friendly but it turns out that he actually died a while ago and Deruth trapped his soul in there or something. OG!Cale reaches out to Rok Soo, begging on his knees (HE CALLS OUT FOR RON!!), but then his body rebooted and he was back to his sus pleasant personality.

SO IT GOT ME THINKING. CRAVING. PLOTTING.

Wouldn't it be so nice if we used that manipulation technology that Bruce used on Jason? But combine it with some time-travel and Bruce uses it on Jason earlier before he debuts as Red Hood?

I want Tim, the person Jason was going to use as a lesson towards Bruce, to find Jason this way. He gets a few days of happiness, being with Jason. But fanon stalker instincts tell Tim that there is a whole lot that wasn't right with the past few days as well.

Although I also want some angst caused by Dick's denial, I think he would instantly believe Tim if he explained that Jason feels off. And that's why, I think Bruce never tells Dick about Jason coming back to life (like he never told Dick about when Jason died) conveniently also still off on some mission.

Tim, who had been (self appointedly) in charge of making Bruce's support group, makes the decision to crush it. By solely starting with Alfred.

He needs verbal confirmation on whether the old man is truly on his side or not.

So he tells him.

And Alfred, sweet old Alfred. The one who gave Tim the Robin suit in the first place. The one who enabled not only Bruce's bad habits but also Tim's own. The one who is either on Bruce's side or none at all.

Alfred weeps. And admits that he's known all this time.

And that's what's horrible.

"Jason admired you," Tim would tell him. "He loved you and followed your advice to heart.

"And you just. Let it all happen? He's probably waiting for you to notice! Because other than Bruce, you're the second person who's been there for him the whole time he stayed here!"

Tim looks at him in disgust.

"How could you?"

Without waiting for a reply, he leaves.

He takes Jason with him.

And then, he goes for the second person part of Bruce's support group who can very much ruin Bruce's life just as easily.

He takes Jason to Babs.

Oof! Time travel angst with the brain altering would be fantastic. Though, is Bruce the one who time travels, then? He, after already deciding to do that to Jason once, goes back in time and writes off the kid (especially if this is before Red Hood debuted and thus Jason would be max 18 years old). No talking to Jason, no effort, just Bruce going to the extreme.

Damn. Let's just keep building this fuckery up, shall we?

So, the symbolism of Tim taking Babs' support from Bruce away is fantastic. Before Tim got involved, Bruce was practically by himself. Babs had her own independence away from Bruce as Oracle and Dick was still fighting with Bruce (for good reasons).

After Tim finds out that Bruce did such fucked up shit? He pulls that man's support from him so fast. Also, Tim, who made his entire Robin career based on needing to pull Bruce from becoming a monster, does he end up feeling like a failure? Does he blame himself? Does he still tediously try to stop and fix Bruce?

Since it's probably before his 16th birthday, I think he wouldn't have the understanding of how cruel Bruce can be. This reveal is such a shock and hurts way more because Tim never thought Bruce could pull that shit against his children.

Despite his complicated feelings, Tim works to reverse the shit Bruce did to Jason's head.

This leads to Jason reverting back to his previous mental state. The man is traumatized by what Bruce did and begrudgingly thankful for Tim's assistant, but he still hates Tim's guts. He despises him.

After the days, weeks, whatever it took for them to reverse it, this is not the reaction Tim was expecting. Jason had been constantly scared, but he was also kind and affectionate to Tim. Seeing Jason become better yet hateful of Tim, especially after Tim had betrayed his mentor to do it? Damn.

Extra angst to be added on would be Bruce, after he realizes that Tim had betrayed him, goes to pick up Damian early. He needs a Robin, afterall, and he can't trust Tim.

This would make Damian max 8 at this age and thus the youngest Robin to hit the streets (I think) (Bruce is a horrible person in this AU, ig. Fuck that guy).

#dc comics #tim drake #dc universe #jason todd #dc au #bruce wayne #thank you for the ask!!!!#bad parent bruce wayne

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betaboks · 2 days

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Time to yap since I've been posting abt this without fully elaborating. Little profiles for the siblings here and here

tl;dr I just wanted to do a little swap au where the modded siblings r the normal ones now, but I still wanted to keep the fact they're generally not very good siblings to Sanji (with the exception of Reiju) instead of swapping that dynamic as well.

Reiju's mods never really worked on her, even though they were attempted after birth. The boys all got spared by their mother in the womb at the cost of her dying much earlier than she did in canon, except for Sanji, who came out "right". Quickly it was pretty clear he fulfilled the role of a weapon with flying colors, but his emotional mods left him with very little personality and expressiveness, so he wouldn't be any good for actually running Germa when it came down to that.

So, suddenly the failures are deemed necessary. Judge can't get rid of them, even in a way that helps him save face.

It doesn't stop him from reminding them that they're failures that couldn't hope to live up to his expectations, and it also doesn't stop him from trying to "fix" them, even though it hasn't worked. Even though they're royalty, there's an air about them because of how their father talks about them. None of the staff are ever gonna dare treat them poorly but you can tell there's a neon sign over their heads calling them all disappointments. They end up split up as well so there's less solidarity or space to find comfort in each other between them. Niji ends up as a scientist, Yonji as a soldier, Ichiji as the crown prince with all the education and responsibility that entails, and Reiju is sort of in limbo, though she acts as an advisor. It is a bit miserable, though even with all this they do still try to find time together.

Sanji at some point gets told to not let any of his siblings come to harm, and it quickly becomes an order he prioritizes much more than Judge could've predicted he would. He is their protector above all else, and they are important.

At some point whilst Judge is trying to modify his siblings again later in life (likely whilst Yonji was getting his arm replaced, I have smth specific in mind but I'm not sure about it so that'll be sorted later!) Sanji comes to perceive Germa as physically harming his siblings, one of the things he isn't supposed to let happen. So he gathers them all together during a quiet time, splits off some of their snail ships, and leaves with them. Effectively, they've all run away.

That's the setup.

They gain a reputation over time on the Grand Line as the ship with the vicious guard dog. They don't fly a jolly roger, but they get into enough scuffles and subsist off of stealing from other pirates enough that they get treated similarly to pirates regardless, even though they're not usually the aggressors. Sanji is just thorough like that.

Months after all of that happens and they're settled down after the initial chaos of finally getting out of Germa (though still on the run and sailing, they're definitely still being looked for), Niji ends up suggesting that they euthanize Sanji. It comes from a place of care, he thinks it's unfair and inhumane that he has to live with no feelings and only really having orders to follow as motivation for things, and this starts a chain of infighting and arguing between all of his siblings.

Yonji agrees, though he doesn't really care for Sanji. He sees him to some degree as a weapon, and one they'd do well to get rid of because he could be used against them when their father rears his ugly head again. Reiju disagrees just on principle, and is kind of mortified that Niji's solution to their brother being different from them is to just end his life. She's retained what her mother tried instilling in her. Ichiji disagrees, but for practical reasons. He also doesn't much care, but he knows they're on the Grand Line, and that Yonji being a good fighter isn't going to get them out of scuffles unscathed the way having Sanji around as their guard dog does. It is kind of hard to argue against that, all things considered, but it's not the sort of argument that's going to keep anything at bay for too long either. It keeps bubbling back up and strains all of their relationships.

Sanji, of course, hears all of this. None of them consult him on the issue or tell him about it directly. He remains loyal to them all anyway. He is still their guard dog.

Things happen from there obviously but I hope to write a fic so that'll be for a later date if I ever get around to it. Hoping I do. I still wanna just put this out here in case I never do get around to it LOL. Feel free to ask questions and such :] I like engaging with people

#binsarte #one piece #one piece au #vinsmoke reiju #vinsmoke ichiji #vinsmoke niji #vinsmoke sanji #vinsmoke yonji #vinswap au

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bunnihearted · 1 month

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🐰🌧️

#so on my way home..#i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future #i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were #bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected #a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati #that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful #and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old #live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :)#you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :)#you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!!#you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u!#whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️#god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE #i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things #now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao #there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives #by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it.#or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me #only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die #bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything #for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!!#not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right #i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax #but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭#my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became #bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life

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softshuji · 6 months

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eldest daughter syndrome really do be kicking my ass tbh

#i just find it like so unfair yknow #im the only one who works in myhouse and full time #but i come home and the house isnt clean and i tidy up and sort everything out and tidy the kitchen anf living room after dinner and put #my sister to bed and yk if there was no one else to do these things id understand but #i have 5 brothers all of whom are adults and they dont lift a finger #its not as if any of them work bec they dont and neither does my dad #and im so so so exhausted yk? bec not everything is my job or responsibility #and i keep blaming other things for me getting sick but yknow what maybe i just dont rest enough #and the other day i was upset bec i'd had a tough day at work and i felt unwell and i cleaned up everything after dinner and my brother #said i didnt have a right to be upset bec i “chose” this. like as if i chose to work full time nd do all the chores for a family of 9 #and it just really upsets me bec no one sees an issue with it and im so mad at my mom at rhe same time #constant therapy sessions w her bec shes mad at my dad and wants someone to vent at and then he does the same abt her and my brothers #and im so tired yknow just sososos tired bec she'll complain abt how they dont do anything but then she wont ensure they do either #its just empty complaints whereas she thrust responsibility on me when i was 9 and yet my brothers are 18+ - all but one that is and they #cant even do their own laundry bec she just..... did everything for them all the time but now is mad that they cant do anything.#like yes i know my dad is a failure of a husband and a father i expected that i'll never be a good enough daughter for him and that the onl #thing he has to say about me is that im bringing shame on our family despite everything ive done but come on #im just tired and upset #its hard not to see yourself as a robot or machine when theres little room to be anything else.#and even on a day like today when i dont feel well it never stops and i just keep doing #im sad i want a hug from my gangster bf #oh god i am sorry pls do not perceive me for this #and yk what #thats why i cant stand when people are nice to me bec all i can think of is #i havent done anything to deserve this? i should have to give something in return #or if not #theres something this person must want because why else would they be nice to me when i havent done anything for them #i cannot fathom the concept that someone just wants me because its me #its literally just not possible why would anyone fo that for me

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mokutone · 2 years

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here's some recent flubs + failures from the past month!

#my art #rotten yams #cursed yams #so out of three of these. two of them i fixed/redid #and one of them i just straight up abandoned #the one i straight up abandoned was the first one—it was a ponyo au doodle w/ yamato as fujimoto #naruto as ponyo. and sasuke as sosuke ofc. very silly au but my drawing felt too...off. idk what it was #naruto is climbing up a wall btw and yamato is standing on the ground below #the second one...as always i was inking something and accidentally whacked yamato with the side of my fist #and bc ink pools in dark spots like eyes. it wasnt dry yet. so. SPLAT! i gave him a black eye 😔#the final one.....it wasnt working. i redrew the whole thing and re contextualized it.#eventually it became the spooky story yamato comic for tendaysoftenzo #its funny that the first one is the one i abandoned because its the one out of these (even before i blacked yamatos eye) i liked the most #but it was just frustrating me to work on. either the idea isnt ready or im not ready but either way its fine #im always saying that if u get tired or upset or frustrated its ok to stop working + i do rlly mean that like. failures are okay #and theyre still valuable! u learn a lot of things thru failure #and its freeing to give up on a drawing knowing that if u want u can come back later #and i was happy to come back to the latter two. and im happy to abandon the first. it feels good

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movedtodykedvonte · 2 years

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The fact the Addisons knew Spamton was at the trash zone, seeing as they meet you there always made me sad for the not so obvious reasons.

Like most people say they were too ashamed to help or still bitter and refused to help but what if they continuously tried and Spamton rejected them? They felt horrible after abandoning him and wanted to make amends but Spamton after everything was too hurt, too mistrusting and too scared to give them that opportunity to hurt them again. He canonically is bitter and furious with them but he also misses them. Spamton is self sabotaging and I think it adds to the tragedy of his relationship with the Addisons if he was the one who refused to start the healing process and their the ones desperate to have things go back to the good times.

#I know there’s fics and interpretations where they are apologetic #but I’m talking about them #like actively going to him in this 20 year span and just being like pls forgive us #and Spamton want to be desperately does #but he can’t forget how they left him just because things were finally looking up for him #how none of them checked in while his sales plummeted #they hurt him bad and all their apologies felt hollow since they waited till he had nothing to say them #it’s definitely his pride and def them not reflecting on how he feels but I digress #maybe they stopped trying or the attempts dwindled after years of rejection and failure #now they know how Spamton felt his entire life #utdr #deltarune #Addisons #spamton g spamton #spamton #the addisons #undertale #deltarune headcanon

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orbdotexe · 1 year

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the temptation to make Exile ALSO be Crow/Wolf grows in strength every moment i think about it (please i had a horrible idea and it is 4am just kill me)

#Cayde Lives! Crow and Cayde get along!#usually that's a good thing in Destiny AUs! it means everything's OKAY!!!#not FUCKING here #We got: WOLF IS IN EXILE AND MISERABLE AND PROBABLY WANTING TO JUST D I E ALREADY #CAYDE IS ALSO MISERABLE AND CONFINED TO THE TOWER BECAUSE EVERYONE THINKS THEY'RE ACTUALLY PROTECTING HIM #CROW IS PITIED BY EVERYONE BC THEY THINK HE'S JUST ANOTHER VICTIM! AND HE'S MISERABLE BECAUSE NOW HE'S HAVING TO REPLACE WOLF AS HERO #THE VANGUARD IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT FROM CROW BC HE REMINDS THEM OF WOLF AND THEYRE ALL IN DENIAL AND FEEL GUILT FOR #VARIOUS PERCEIVED FAILURES ON THEIR ENDS THAT MIGHTVE LED WOLF DOWN THIS PATH #(Zavala in particular is getting a fire lit under him bc I love him. what writer doesn't show their love through fucking over their muse)#someone STOP me before I start shipping them and before I make everything worse by killing Wolf before Crow and Wolf realize #orb rambles #the forsaken exile #oh yeah for people not in the know for the Content Box:#IM WORKING ON A HAUNTED POST AND A CAYDE+WOLF SHORT #be on the lookout for that?#(depending on how long my dumbass decides to take on it - considering the Stasis and Egregore was supposed to be posted like a month ago)#i have a love-hate relationship with my brain and its focus on this AU #it is way too late here and my dearest content box fools: uh... yeah.

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nomaishuttle · 8 months

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uninstalled all the dating apps which ws like 8nof them . in the morning ill tell the guys i was talking to that i overestimared how ready i was and hopefully theyll understand andnjust drop it

#i dont feel stable enough for like . any relationship platonic or romantic andnit fucking..rly sucks bc i want to have friends but like #with what happened with daj the other day im like. i dont think i can be like . idk. ik daj said it was ok and she understood but im so #upset that i lashed iut abt that and i keep trying to get into therapy but i fucking..cant find one. at all #im trying to be more reasonable witj mymoney and i know like. i need therapy bc i Need to work this out and i am not able to work it out #with myself. i need to see a professional abt this . so ik it wouldnt be frivolous to spend money on a therapist if i cant find one in #network. bc the in network thrapists dont accept/dont specialize in working with patients with bpd which i like. thats..my issue. im almost #posiitive. ive done a lot of research and it matches up with like . all of my experiences #ik everybody feels unstable after a breakup buti genuinely like. i dont feel whole. and im looking back on how i treated myself and thiught #abt the relationship and its like. i stopped talking to all my friends i stopped talking to my family i literally dropped out of school i #moved across the country i dropped any interest that we didnt share i literally like. i gave up fucking everything and thats not. healthy.#and he never aksed me for that and its not fair of me to resent him for me doing that bc he nevrr asked me to #but i feel like. everytime i think abt him it feels like im being torn in half like . i put him on so incredibly high of a pedestal i #literally thought of him as perfect that was..recurring. and when i was upset with him i took it out on myself horrifically and thats not #normal . and jow thinking abt him literally physucally hurts bc theres still that part of me that thinks hes perfect and that im a mistake #and a failure and i didnt Be connor right. and then theres a part of me that . doesnt think of him that way #and its just like. aughhf. even outside that relationship im looking back on past friendships and how like..obsessive i get with them #and then when they 'betray' me i just. immediately turn on them and like. thats not normal..#and my sense of identity is um. Well you guys have seen. you know.#ive looked into it a lot and i rly think i have it and im not like. 100% positive but i feel like even if i dont itd be good to work with a #therapist who Has experience with that. since the experience is so similar. yk. idk #i just feel insane and i feel like bod would make like. so much of my life and the way i act and the way i react to things like..it makes #sense when i look at it as if i have bpd. and if i dont it literally seems completely irrational and erratic like. IDK. so basically i need #a therapist who can work with that but none of the ones in network specialize in that and then i was researching and found out a lot of #therapists specifically Dont work with bpd patients and like. judge their peers who do for woriing with bod #which is 1. Actually disgusting 2. Straight up stupid 3. Terrifying. so i only want to work with a therapist whi explicitely says I #specialize and work with patients with bpd 👍 but i literally could only find 1 and theyre out of network and its 15p for visit and id #prefer to do weekly visits if possible but thats . 300 per paycheck for therapy . biweekly itd be better but thats still 150. and i have to #save up for the trip home and then the new apartment immediately after #and i have to get credit card .#and in an ideal world id hold off on the therapist until i get my new apartment so that i can fully focus on coping with myself and learnin

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dreamyberry · 9 months

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Someone told me you’re never gonna be 100% happy anyway. So what are we here for? Heartbreaks and paying the rent and distracting yourself with hobbies 2 hours a week to forget you’d rather be d3ad?

#I thought I could have. anew beginning but I keep feeling terrible #and I also have to look for a new home thanks to my landlord #who happily told me she’s excited to get new people in the house 2 days ago #in a way it could be good to change air #go to a bit nicer city maybe #but idk how hard it will be #i feel so emptied out #think of him and want to cut my throat #I am a burden to myself #I’m so sick of hoping I die in a car accident I have been doing that since I am 14 #had a 2 year break and here I am #I just hope I manage to see some friends or so-called people #and guess what I have to help my housemate deep clean the house on the weekend #apparently I heard he said on the phone friends of him from Germany are coming on Monday #so I guess that’s it #the only tiny reason I would be sorry about if I die is my parents #my colleague/boss told me I am really lucky to have parents like that after he met them #I feel so much like a failure #I was brought into this world and all I can hope for myself is to stop living #I want to go to a therapist but as I am stranded and probably will have to change municipality I probably have to wait applying for it #I’ve never felt like I needed it more than now #I’ve had multiple times people saying I’m too silent which to me is total bullshit but anyway #when I start talking I go on too long especially about mental things and I end up feeling ashamed #at least with a therapist I wouldn’t be ashamed cause it’s their fucking job to just listen or ignore me but I will let it out and not feel #so cool:(#why can’t I be happy like in 2018 #the only year where I could actually answer I was feeling good and like wanted to show it

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milo-is-rambling · 11 months

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Going to eat a brown sugar cinnamon pop tart for the first time since my dad died. I’m craving it. It will make me cry. Going to hot box the bathroom while I take a bath and then cry and eat a pop tart in the bath. I’m bringing pocket joe for companionship

#I took a dab and then went oh shit a bath would be fantastic rn. and then I said. wait. I’m hungry. I want a pop tart. I also want to cry in #the bath. this feels like a win win then when my high wears off and I stop feeling my emotions I can smoke the joint and it will fix me #life hack.#also pop tarts make me sad bc my dad ate pop tarts like every fucking morning with his coffee and it was like his thing and he always joked #about pop tarts being programmer food #ughhhhh I want to cry I miss my dad I’m pmsing I just got fired I feel like a total failure my mom likes my brother more than me my dad #understood being the fuck up kid who’s traumatized and struggling like oh my god now that I’ve experienced losing someone that close I want #to go back in time to when he was alive and talk about losing his sister and how hard that was on him I mean he was my age when his older #sister died and it fucked him up and his death fucked me up around the same age I feel like I’m destined to become my father and I hated him #so much growing up but now that I feel like it’s gonna happen no matter what I can’t help but just wish he was here to talk to #my mom is far too good at being a normal person and so is my brother and my dad was the fuck up and he understood how I felt and now I have #no one who was the fuck uo and grew up anyways like ughhhhhhhh I hate everything I wish my dad was alive

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godblooded · 2 years

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bruce is obsessive about sparing others the trauma of the instances they’re either forced into or just end up in. it’s what haunts him worse than anything— not not saving someone, but saving someone and then them languishing in their surviving pain. bruce is perpetually hung up on shielding others from an earth-shattering view. he always wants to stay right front and center of every situation; he wants to have total control of what’s going on.

this is far worse when it comes to children. far, far worse. not only will bruce eternally blame himself to the point of intrusive self-loathing, he’ll violently relive his own trauma as a boy. when triggered in this way bruce becomes short, clipped, and difficult to get a word out of. asl would benefit him tremendously, even if he doesn’t know that. he’s not used to communicating whatsoever. he speaks in single word answers and quick, deep noises. he speaks better with his motions than he does with his mouth.

bruce can’t handle thinking he couldn’t prevent another kid from being as deeply disturbed as he was. the idea of it makes him feel extremely responsible. if he can’t keep another individual, if he can’t keep a child from the path he’s walked, what’s he really doing? so more than anything, what bruce doesn’t realize is he’s a nurturer as a person. his proclivity for taking in traumatized kids is a direct link to his need to protect children, especially ones that remind him of himself, from continuing on and feeling alone.

there is no length he won’t go to to make sure others don’t have to carry baggage as he does. to be sure the innocent don’t have to shoulder their burdens he’ll carry with every heavy step. bruce would rather be the sole witness to every horrific sight than allow a single child to be forever altered by something totally out of their control.

he’s gentler and more sensitive than he realizes. he’s never been treated like he was or was permitted to be, and his father’s masculinity-charged example has made him believe stoicism is his necessary state only. if he’d express concern he’d be much healthier and sleep much better, but bruce was never taught how, so he needs to be talked through how to even assess that he has any issues.

( he knows he’s very much not perfect; it really doesn’t mean he thinks it ; it does mean that he’s blind to his own emotional reactions and how they affect others and their relationships with him. )

#headcanon. bruce wayne. so i'll stand for hope.#[I just want him to stop feeling like a failure.]

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floral-hex · 29 days

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me… sad boy

#I was going to whine a lot but why lot word when few word do trick?#I have been… soooooo anxious and depressed and I feel like I’m going to die soon & the world is ending the world is empty & I’m alone in it #I feel so sick #I need to get out and do something. I always need to get out and I never do and I’m dumb #so maybe I’ll just get messed up and stay in my room #I can’t sleep. I wake up tired and hurting. I can’t do anything.#woe is fucking me amirite?#also I just finished Black Sails and I cried a lot. why did I think getting emotionally attached to a show and finishing it was smart?#that’s not important. I mean it is but not really. what’s important is I constantly feel like the end is always looming over me #I miss my therapist but I’m scared to ever see him again.#same reason I’m scared to be around anyone outside of my immediate family: I’m a failure & I can’t bear to see that reflected in their eyes #so he joins a long list of people I can’t talk to anyone along with my dad and countless old friends #hey wait why did I segue to this?#boo hoo #analytically. logically. I can look past this and see how irrational these thoughts are #but goddamn if there’s not something chemical that just makes me feel sick and scared and I’m having a doozy of a time living with it #because Ian you need to work on long term goals. not just quick fixes like I dunno fucking eating pizza or playing video games #sorry. just wanted to vent. it’s been building up in me for days and I needed a quick whine #I shaved. I’m gonna get a haircut maybe tomorrow. if only to stave off my unhealthy feelings of ‘just shave your head at 3am’#my mom is finally reaching the point where she doesn’t need me to chauffeur her around all the time #and my brothers are finishing their semesters at school and also both have licenses now #so I think I can stop using those as excuses and try to… I dunno. live for myself now. that sounds cheesy.#gonna go get a low paying job doing something mindless so I can have extra cash for being alive #god I need a hug so bad #that’s not even… like… not even a lighthearted joke. I think if someone sincerely held me for a few minutes it would fix me. a little bit.#this is too much information #sorry I love you goodbye forever #but hey… really… I love ya… I mean maybe. not really. kind of. I appreciate ya and I’m here for ya… in spirit. like a ghost. a cool ghost.#you can ignore this #text

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peachinspiration · 2 months

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dunmeshi mithruncore (every day I can’t get up to make myself eat at all or get up to use the bathroom or fall asleep or actually do more to help myself unless im told to or someone physically Makes me do it or I finally manage to do so for the first time very very late in the day cuz I forced myself to out of fear)

#im in hell #that thing he said about not being able to sleep without magic or meds is so real #my sleep treatments even stopped working gradually #and if I don’t take any at all im laying awake until fuckinf 7 am #it takes me like an hour of holding it in to use the fuckinf bathroom #and the thing that makes me move is being terrified of kidney failure #it’s 6 pm and I still haven’t eaten my first meal of the day. tried ripping into a protein bar I had saved for moments like this but I can’t #make myself take more than 2 bites #the amount of times these past few years I’ve practically passed out from hunger cuz I just. cannot make myself get up to eat or make myself #something. omfgggggggff #I literally am a magic practitioner and have helped myself with spell work many times in the past yet I just can’t. make myself utilize it #more. yet I have all these books and supplies to use. and I’ve studied for hours and hours and know what to do #and it’s crazy cuz when im high off the sleep treatment THEN I actually do things but I don’t wanna use that more cuz im afraid of getting #addicted uhm. yeah idk what to even do anymore #my bf helps tremendously with leading me to do things but I don’t wanna take advantage of him too much and he’s long distance #but jesus fuck im literally on adderall now but its my emotional problems that keep it from working #it’s like wtf happened #I can’t fucking do anything unless someone’s there to guide me through it or keep me engaged as I work or they push me to in some way #and it’s like wow. cuz I want independence more than anything #it’s crazy cuz I related with his old self to the T especially with the desires and competitivity problems and trying to gain things he #doesn’t even actually want just for leverage and a sense of worth and the ‘if im not on the top on everything i dont have actual worth’thing #and other stuff I can’t remember off the top of my head. and I actually had friends and was more talkative #but now it’s like #🪿#yk what I mean #there’s a shitload of other things I relate too hard with but I can’t remember rn or I won’t mention cuz too much to go into #my bf said if he were around irl he’d cook for me and help with stuff when I go thru being like this nonstop which hey nice cuz obv id help #him with anything too #I mean there’s days where im better and can Do Things but it never lasts long and it sucks I can’t ever trust myself having a job or #I had all these things I wanted to do but I just feel nothing toward it and it drives me insane like can this maybe Not happen so often

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tempted-byhyuka · 2 months

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| enhypen when… |

they snap at you

╚══ஓ๑♡๑ஓ══╝

inc: request, angst, hurt/comfort, yelling, flinching (jay, jake, jungwon, ni-ki), physical contact (heeseung, sunghoon), small fall (jay), jealousy (jake, sunoo), food (sunoo)

ೃ⁀➷ lee heeseung

ੈ♡˳ heeseung was typically a levelheaded guy, and he always treated you like a glass doll that would break at the slightest tremor. never before had he raised his voice at you, even when he was visibly agitated. it stayed that way for a long time, even through his toughest schedules and most irritating setbacks.

ੈ♡˳ one night when he came home, you could tell he was deep in thought, but also exhausted and agitated. in an attempt to get him to feel better, you hugged him from behind and kissed the back of his neck over and over. when that didn’t exactly work, you repeated his name, again and again. “hey, heeseungie.. heeseung!”

ੈ♡˳ “what?! what do you want?!” he roared and spun around in his chair so fast it pushed you back and made you stumble in suprise. you were so startled you didn’t know what to say.. he had never done this before! “i-i was just..” you tried but backed away when he stood up. “what?! helping?! what kind of help is that?!”

ੈ♡˳ heeseung stared at you with an irate expression, his chest shaking as he breathed deeply, like he was about to unload his struggles on you. the silence was sickening but eventually, he lets out a sigh.. an exhausted one as he closes his eyes and lowers his head. “i’m sorry…. i’m sorry.” he repeated.

ੈ♡˳ he takes your hands in his and lifts them up, “are you hurt…? did i hurt you?” heeseung’s voice trembled. sensing his regret, you place your hands on his cheeks and begin rubbing circles onto the skin. you can feel the half smile he mustered, and lean in your press a kiss to his nose, “i’m okay, i promise..”

ೃ⁀➷ park jongseong

ੈ♡˳ as much as it seemed like jay was quick to anger, he never reflected that behavior on you, he was always patient and respectful towards you, a proper gentleman. even when you almost damaged an expensive pan in the dishwasher, he gave you a smile, patted your head and promised it was all okay.

ੈ♡˳ it was always easy for you to tell when he was at him limit though, and when he came home and dropped his backpack aggressively onto a chair, you knew that he must have had a rough day. “jay? is everything alright?” you inquired and stepped into the kitchen. “i don’t want to talk about it..” he mumbled.

ੈ♡˳ “are you sure? you’ll feel better if you do.” you said and reached out to try and rub his shoulders, only for jay to shrug them off. “i said no.” he grumbled, sounding more upset than before. you feel a deep tension in your chest and, “do you want me too..” “i want you to stop talking!” he shouted.

ੈ♡˳ your heart dropped, and you step away from jay to give him space, only to stumble and fall to the floor. hearing the thud, jay turns around and finds you on the floor, furrowing his brow. he reaches down to offer you a hand, but it feels like his heart shatters when he sees you flinch, and it hits him that he’s the reason you did.

ੈ♡˳ he kneels down in front of you, his hands held up in a gesture of peace as his gaze becomes softer, and more despaired as he places his hands on your knees. you caught a glimpse of the tears forming on his waterline before he bows his head, his shoulders starting to shake. he felt like a failure… a complete failure.

ೃ⁀➷ sim jaeyun

ੈ♡˳ it wasn’t easy to set jake off, not at all. he is a textbook boyfriend, kind, sweet, handsome, well communicated, and he has a cute puppy to boot. he’s everyone’s dream man… everyone’s dream, even the strangers on the street, the strangers on the screen and even his own staff.

ੈ♡˳ that’s why it really rubbed you the wrong way when jake responded to one stylist’s comment on his nice face with his handsome smile and a laugh that you thought was flirting. to make it worse, he didn’t even notice you were upset until you were both already home. “baby? hey talk to me… are you mad?”

ੈ♡˳ that’s when you unload, you snapped and told jake what you were feeling. maybe you should have waited until you were calmer however, because to your shock, jake began arguing with you. “oh come on! am i not allowed to accept compliments anymore because of your jealousy?!”

ੈ♡˳ the argument went on and on until Jake was so frustrated he went to pinch the bridge of his nose, making you step back at the sight of his hand flying up so quickly. jake stopped in his tracks, his expression switching up completely into concern, “baby..? oh no, did you think i would…?” his face breaks your heart.

ੈ♡˳ you break down into tears and shake your head, stepping forward until your chest to chest with him and hiding your face in his neck. jake wraps his arms around you lovingly, shushing you and running a hand over your hair, “i would never, baby… i’m so sorry i made you feel that way…”

ೃ⁀➷ park sunghoon

ੈ♡˳ you knew that dating park sunghoon wasn’t exactly going to be a walk in the park (haha), whether it was due to his busy schedule or the fact that when you did get time to spend with him, he was often sleeping or burnt out. regardless, you cherished every moment you got to hold his head on your lap and listen to him.

ੈ♡˳ occasionally though, sunghoon would return home in complete silence, giving you a small peck on the cheek, showering and falling right to sleep without saying more than a simple ‘hey babe’. one of those nights, all you wanted was his attention, he had been gone for about 2 weeks filming after all.

ੈ♡˳ when you crawled into bed behind him, you start pressing your lips to his jaw, his cheek and the corner of his eye. this made him groan and turn his head, “babe, i’m trying to sleep…” he mutters. unsatisfied, you try again to drape an arm over his body, but sunghoon’s reaction takes you by surprise.

ੈ♡˳ he forcibly pushed your arm away and turned around, “stop it…!” he yelled, and you sit up so quickly you get lightheaded. you watch his face change in an instant as he realized what he did, sitting up with you and grabbing your shoulders, “wait.. baby i’m sorry, i didn’t mean it.. i’m just so tired.” he shakes his head.

ੈ♡˳ “no, i should have stopped first, im sorry!” you take his hands and move them so you can give him a proper embrace. “i shouldn’t have put my hands on you though… come on baby, i’m sorry.” he pulled you to lay down with him, hugging you against his firm chest and pulling the blanket over your body.

ೃ⁀➷ kim seonwoo

ੈ♡˳ every couple had the occasional argument, you and sunoo were no exception. though your fights would typically end in playful jabs and making amends over mint chocolate ice cream, it never got too serious. that is until sunoo seemed to get genuinely upset over you talking to your ex after crossing paths in public.

ੈ♡˳ you didn’t think it was such a big deal, but sunoo gave you the silent treatment until you both got home where he finally let loose, “i can’t believe you just let him flirt with you like that! you’re still hooked up on him, aren’t you?” he scoffed, tossing his jacket onto the coat rack carelessly.

ੈ♡˳ “sunoo that’s ridiculous, i was being friendly!” you argued back, not exactly appreciating the sentiment that you were still attracted to your ex. “oh yeah, sure! i totally believe you. if you’re so friendly, go hang out with him then.” he replied before storming off, slamming the bedroom door behind him.

ੈ♡˳ after some time apart cooled you both off, you caved first, realizing that maybe chatting with your ex and barely acknowledging your current lover wasn’t the best idea. you knew just the thing to cheer him up as you opened the delivery app, picking out every snack you knew he enjoyed and adding it to the cart.

ੈ♡˳ 30 minutes later, you knock softly on the bedroom door, only to hear rapid shuffling and a thump before sunoo opened the door, “you’re still here! oh sweetheart i’m so sorry i-!” you cut him off by holding the back in front of him, “me too… let’s eat.” you smiled, following him to your bed and opening the bag.

ೃ⁀➷ yang jungwon

ੈ♡˳ being the leader of a group is stressful enough, but leading a globally popular group at the age of 16 added more weight on jungwon’s shoulders. jungwon thought he had developed a healthy way to cope with the stress but even he had his moments where he couldn’t contain his emotions.

ੈ♡˳ when he arrived home from a long, frustrating and stressful recording session, the last thing he wanted was to be bombarded with questions by you. unfortunately for you, jungwon wasn’t in a state of mind to communicate that to you without being aggressive as he yanked his arm out of your grasp.

ੈ♡˳ “why are you so clingy, huh?! don’t you have anything else to do other than nag my ear off?!” he yelled in an unrecognizable manner, his eyes filled with anger. you couldn’t get a word out, backing into a wall as it looked like he wouldn’t calm down any time soon. you’ve never seen him so frustrated.

ੈ♡˳ he cursed and reached his hands up to his face to rub his eyes, but you were so nervous you backed into the wall fully, a dull thud resonating through the hallway. jungwon opened his eyes at the sound, now looking confused, “y/n..? did you…?” the dots seem to connect in his head as his eyes soften.

ੈ♡˳ slowly, he extended his hand to you, waiting for you to take it before pulling you close. jungwon placed his hand on the center of your back, lowering his head so that he could speak into your ear. “i’m sorry, i shouldn’t have said those things… please forgive me.” he says, smiling when he felt you return the affection.

ೃ⁀➷ nishimura riki

ੈ♡˳ ni-ki wasn’t at all an angry person, especially not with you. he was always so quiet and calm, his silence was comfortable rather than intimidating; and that’s why its so easy to tell whenever he was stressed or upset. his jaw clenches and he has a dead eyed look, a telltale sign that he’s overthinking.

ੈ♡˳ and you didn’t expect him to start yelling at you when you pried him for answers, which was, admittedly, probably not the best choice. “i said i don’t want to talk about it! what part of that is so hard for you to understand?!” you were not at all used to riki raising his voice and it was enough to silence you.

ੈ♡˳ he raised his hand up after a beat of silence, intending on pushing his bangs out of his face, only for you to back away with a fearful sound. both of you froze, staring at eachother with bewildered looks on both of your faces. the tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

ੈ♡˳ “y/n…” riki finally spoke after what felt like an eternity of silence, his expression softening into a worried one. you could see tears begin to well up in his eyes, and riki never cried in front of you before… all tension left your body as you moved towards him, embracing him and burying your face into his chest.

ੈ♡˳ he didn’t waste a second returning the gesture, squeezing you tight enough that it made your ribs hurt. no more words were spoken as you sat down on the couch, and with your ear pressed to his chest, you could hear his rapid heart beat along with the whispered apologies he uttered into your ear.

thank you for reading! i haven’t proofread this yet, i will soon but thank you to the requester for giving me a prompt i could work with, i hope you enjoy it 🫶

#enhypen imagines #enhypen scenarios #enhypen fanfic #enhypen x reader #enhypen angst #heeseung imagines #jay park imagines #jake sim imagines #sunghoon imagines #sunoo imagines #jungwon imagines #ni ki imagines

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loonylupinblack3 · 1 month

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First Win

Pairing: Lando Norris x Reader

Summary: in which Lando's first win helps the two of you finally get together

Warnings: swearing, my utter HAPPINESS AND AWE THAT LANDO WON, also not edited bc i wanted to post it as soon as possible

Word count: 1.1k

A/N: you guys dont UNDERSTAND how fucking happy i am im literally sobbing oh my GOD

You were pushing your way through the crowd, trying to find Lando, all the while your heart was fucking soaring. You were so proud of him, probably one of your closest friends, finally achieving this incredible success in his career. He deserved all of it and more, and you were so proud of him.

Getting P8 yourself, you weren’t upset with your score, though you could have done better, but it seemed insignificant compared to Lando’s win and how excited you were for him. You knew you probably wouldn’t get to talk to him until much later; he was the star of the day, a very busy man with hundreds of people demanding his attention, but you hoped for at least a look of him, maybe if you were lucky a smile, to show your utter joy of him winning.

The grid was packed, however, and even with your status as a driver it was still a challenge getting through the swarms of people. You pushed and shoved, mumbling apologies, almost desperate to see your friend before he went on the podium.

You and Lando were close. Even for co-workers you guys had a special relationship. You just clicked, able to understand each other without having to work for it. Even only actually knowing each other for a few years you felt you’d known him for a lifetime.

Sure, there may have been some… other feelings towards him that you harboured, but you refused to let them risk your friendship with Lando so you kept them hidden, shoved deep inside you and pretended to be ignored, even though in reality they seemed to have a chokehold on you.

You didn’t know if Lando felt the same and honestly weren’t sure if you wanted to know. You already had this incredible relationship with him, this understanding you shared with no one else, and you weren’t willing to risk it for anything, even to end the aching longing you felt sometimes when looking at him.

You finally managed to push your way through the crowd, now at the edge of a couple fences blocking the part of the grid where only certain F1 employees were able to be. Usually you wouldn’t have been able to go, what with you receiving an eighth position and not a podium, but you were determined to see Lando closer, maybe even give him a quick hug.

You were just so fucking proud of him, and you didn’t know what to do with the overwhelming feeling. He’d opened up to you multiple times in the past, confessing his feelings of failure, of being unable to get a win and how much that affected him, how shameful he was because of it. You knew how much his lack of wins haunted him and his career, so to gain a win, to achieve something like this, it was truly amazing, and your pride for him was overflowing.

You managed to wheedle your way through the fences, using your driver status and known close friendship with Lando to your advantage, slipping through and immediately looking around for the Miami Grand Prix winner.

You followed the sound of cheering, rounding a corner to find the massive group of Mclaren employees behind a small fence, with Lando on top of them crowd surfing, laughing and looking like the happiest man alive.

Today he was exactly that.

You stood to the side, grinning like a maniac seeing Lando so happy. Your heart was near bursting, you couldn’t stop smiling even if you wanted to. You stayed silent though, not wanting to drag attention to yourself and get kicked out, but seeing him so fucking happy was more than enough for you.

So when Lando distractedly glanced around, a joyous smile on his face, and saw you, his smile widening, your heart warmed. You told yourself it was nothing big, but when he left his team to walk over to you, jog over, actually, your smile turned even bigger.

“Congratulations,” you exclaimed before leaping into his arms, wrapping your own tightly around his neck. His own hands came up to hug you back, holding you tightly against him. “I’m so fucking proud of you Lando.”

Lando squeezed you tighter, still not letting go. You were more than content to stay in his arms, pressing your head into the crook of his neck, ignoring the flashing cameras that would be following Lando for the rest of the day.

When the two of you eventually pulled back, however reluctantly, Lando was beaming. He looked gorgeous like that, genuinely happy, nothing able to bring down his mood. He was riding the high of winning, still heavily influenced by the adrenaline pumping through his veins.

Maybe what was why he kissed you, in front of millions of people, taking them and you by surprise. Or maybe it was because he was having the perfect fucking day, and having you in his arms would have made it all the more better.

Either way you were certainly taken off guard as Lando stared at you for a split-second, eyes tracing your face before they landed on your lips, and then the next second he was leaning in and pressing his lips against yours.

There was an onslaught of noise as he did it, the cameras going crazy, people yelling and cheering, yet it was all distant. All you could focus on was Lando’s soft lips against yours, dragging his mouth across your own.

You kissed him back without thinking, your hands snaking back around his neck. His hand gripped your waist, tugging you closer as he deepened the kiss, his tongue flicking your lower lip and forcing you to swallow a moan lest you want the whole world to hear it.

Lando had the gall to grin against your lips, no doubt hearing your gasp before you could muffle it completely. You pulled back, giving him a ‘what the fuck man’ stare and he just shrugged, keeping his hand firmly around your waist.

You shook your head but your emotions were in overdrive, everything inside you screaming for more. You pressed your head into the crook of his neck again, hearing his soft chuckle as his hands roamed your back.

“We are having a very serious talk after this,” you whispered in his ear.

He paused, before whispering back, “good or bad?”

You pulled back to stare at Lando, his curls sticking to his forehead from sweat, his eyes alight with an excitement you hadn’t seen in a while, his face slightly red from exertion and happiness.

You smiled at him. “Definitely good.”

Lando grinned and pulled you back for another kiss, blatantly ignoring the paparazzi around you. He murmured into your lips, “I’m so fucking lucky.”

You couldn’t help but ask, “how so?”

He grinned against your lips again. “Winning the race and the girl in one day.”

#lando norris #lando norris x reader #ln4 #f1 #f1 fanfic #f1 x reader #lando norris fanfic #lando x reader #miami gp 2024 #f1 fanfiction #formula1

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