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Entry 44 - Changes

July 30, 2019

Dear "Diary,"

For once, I'm glad I post on Tuesday and not Sunday or Monday. Those days seem easier because the week hasn't beaten me down yet,but really,I'm always being beaten down. What difference does a day make?

But this week, it made a world of a difference. On Sunday, I went to church. Maybe I shouldn't go, but because of colonialism, church will always be a part of my racial identity, and as a reward, I got to listen to the Gospel passage about praying. How God will always give us good gifts if we ask, but He's not going to give us a Scorpion in our hands no matter how much we beg because that wouldn't be safe. And I got to sit there and think to myself that I always get scorpions. I don't know what I'm going to do with the most beautiful woman in the world who just happens to work in my office, and I am genuinely resentful for my plight, for what happened to Ada, and for never havinng a chance to be happy.

I haven't been a perfect person, but I don't deserve to be constantly kicked and beaten.

Then today, I got offered an office in lieu of a cubicle. And it's next to hers. And we got to talk about so many things with no one being the wiser. I've never been happier.

Meanwhile, Ada is now blowing up my phone. I hate it, but there's something I have to do, isn't there?

Digitally yours,

Alex

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Entry 43 - Away

July 23, 2019

Dear Diary,

There is this sense in which no matter what is upsetting or stressing me out, thoughts of the most beautiful woman in the world who just happens to work in my office will give me the strength to come back. The office we work in has its problems. All offices do, yes, but we're broke. That compounds everything.

All the people who were hired around the time I was have officially left. Her department is the only one that doesn't have a high turnover rate. Finance is one of the worst. So I should be leaving, right? That's what HR has been hinting at.

They don't want me to leave; they just expect it. And honestly, maybe I should. My body aches, and today I rode the bus with tears in my eyes.

I should leave. I should do a lot of things. But when it relates to her (no matter how distantly) I can't.

Digitally yours,

Alex

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Entry 42 - Truths

July 16, 2019

Dear "Diary,"

I emailed her and told her that I was never going to make any demands of her. I was never going to push or expect her to thank me for anything I had done. I told her I did everything with enthusiasm and not expectations. Not demands. Not entitlements.

I made my choices. Without that.

She came by my desk to thank me. She, the most beautiful woman in the world who just happens to work in my office. Her face seemed relaxed. And as trembled in my seat, she found it hard to string together the words to thank me for the sentiment. It was the first time she had ever heard it, I think. It was the first time she ever had someone like me in her life.

Do I risk that for her? Do I make a move and risk shattering this delicate shelter I unintentionally built. I'd die for her smile, but this seems so much harder. As she spoke, my phone was silently going off in my purse, telling me that Ada was still waiting for a specific answer.

I don't have to be one, do I? But should I?

Digitally yours,

Alex

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Entry 41 - Waves

July 9, 2019

Dear "Diary,"

I wanted to be clever and include a trigonometry reference, but I'm too insecure to do it. I'm very aware of these insecurities. The most beautiful woman in the world who just happens to work in my office brings it out of me. Never intentionally. It just happens.

I had to email her about a problem with a meeting I had helped her plan. And I feel like such a dumbass for getting myself into this mess. Because if we had done it her way, we wouldn't have this problem. But nope, I had to show off.

And then she brought me a cupcake, sensing I was stressed. A low coupled with a high.

And then another low. Because I hope she doesn't think she had to do this after all I did for her. I was happy to do it. I love her smile.

Digitally yours,

Alex

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Entry 40 - More Mistakes

July 2, 2019

Dear "Diary,"

I like to think I'm not a complete moron. Do I know that the opposite is true? Yes, but we all like playing pretend every know and again.

Here's the thing. There's no good reason for Ada to come stay with me, and yet I'm considering it. I mean, maybe she does still love me, but does that matter? She doesn't have anywhere else to go, and yes, that's why she came out here. To find me. To live with me. To reclaim our dream.

Right now, she's in the couch of a theatre friend. And poor friend... Even if Ada is the best roommate in the world, I've been blowing her off for MONTHS. And there's no end in sight. Maybe if she could remember more of what happened, this wouldn't be so disconcerting. But she doesn't. Or she said she doesn't.

She disappeared for a while after the break up. And when you consider that her parents were potentially abusive enough to think exposing a person with celiac disease to gluten just to retake control was a good idea, I don't put anything past them. There are things they could have subjected her to (tortured her with) that would have caused memory loss. And then there's the heightened risk of drug or alcohol abuse that comes from being raised in such a dysfuctional, restrictive environment.

I don't know what happened to her. I don't know if I should ask her because it just doesn't seem likely that she would tell me the truth. Like she can even if she wanted to. Now, Ada was a good person. She had a sweet and loving soul that couldn't lie for its own sake. But that wasn't the Ada I was looking at.

And yet, I'm still considering it. I'm still considering moving her in. Because Fuck me.

Digitally yours,

Alex

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Entry 39 - Disorientation

June 25, 2019

Dear “Diary,”

Yep, I’m late again. I’m losing track of time. Or I lost it, and I’m starting to regain it. I’ve been posting snippets of the conversation I had with Ada, trying to make sense of it all, but it’s hard. I think I have specifics conclusions (though on opposite ends of a spectrum), and nothing about my connection with Ada will ever fit into neat boxes. That used to be amazing. But also not. Especially not now.

I missed a couple doses of my anti-depressant. 0/10 would not recommend, which I knew this. But Ada’s appearance and everything she was saying shifted my reality into nothing I can recognize. In this reality, medication regiments are harder to maintain.

I kept it easy for a few days as everything shifted and as my world spun over and over again. And I thought about the most beautiful woman in the world who just happens to work in my office. She had a lot of events coming up at work, and I needed to be there to help her. She has a beautiful smile and heart. And her warmth was the best lighthouse I could have known.

And that’s what love is meant to be, I think. In all of its forms. I don’t know why some people try to police it. We need it to get by sometimes. A lot of the times. It can be our anchor. Or people can be. Yes, there’s friends and families for the most of us. But for me, it doesn’t even have to be a physical presence. I mean, I can be great at running that into the ground, but it’s just nice to have a beautiful sight to look forward to.

That’s part of it, though. There’s so much more to say about Ada, though. It just has to come in pieces.

Digitally yours,

Ada

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Disconcerting Conversations #3

Me: It wasn't that long ago.

Ada: That's not what I said.

Me: Then what did you say.

Ada: That I don't remember.

[She was baiting me to ask. She needs me to enter the conversation. There's a trap, many would say. Run, they would also say. Run.]

Me: Is there a lot you don't remember?

Ada: I don't know. I don't know what I should know.

Me: You were in the hospital. Celiac crisis, the rumor was.

Ada: I don't think it was a Celiac crisis. I've never had a crisis last a couple weeks. And that's how long I was gone right?

[She knows that much. That's not nothing.]

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Disconcerting Conversations Part 2

Ada: What happened back then?

Me: I don't know.

[I had my suspicions, but I didn't technically know.]

Ada: I got sick..?

Me: How is that a question?

Ada: I don't remember parts of it.

Me: What do you mean?

Ada: It's not like you care.

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Disconcerting Conversation - Part 1

Ada: I missed you.

Me: Yeah, people tend to do that. But it’s shocking that you do.

Ada: I didn’t mean those things.

[Not regret but didn’t mean. She meant it alright. It’s just not something she stands behind now.]

-Alex

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Entry 38 - Mistakes

June 11, 2019 (but not...)

Dear "Diary,"

I'm not even going to apologize that this entry is so late. I'm reeling. I'm scared. I'm a hot mess. My existence is the titular mistake. And this is after I've had a chance to calm down. Great.

I agreed to meet Ada for coffee. Something I should not have done. That girl messed my literal intestines up with a psycho somatic condition that mirrored her actual condition and her rejection made me question my very self worth. So yeah, that's a door that needs to be shut. And her continually trying to get a hold of me is yet another red flag. I have enough to make a poorly colored rendition of the United Nations, probably. Maybe. I'm trying to be funny but failing.

But I'm scared for her. I've always been. Her parents never taught her to how to manage her Celiac disease. And that's the sort of red flag that suffocates the supposed bearer. So I went to see her. And this trendy spot not too far from my workplace that has a lot of gluten free options and a clearly labelled menu. Perfect for not dealing with someone else's bullshit, right? Assuming not going at all isn't an option. Which it technically was, but there I was.

And, diary, she was just like I remember her being. The picturesque leading lady straight from the stage into my life. I want to say that I didn't fall in love with her. And I get to say that. On a technicality. I don't think I was ever not in love with her. You can say it's because I never got any real closure, which is technically right. But at the same time, that doesn't change my perilous situation, does it?

I shouldn't take her back. But I'm afraid I will. And that has everything to do with what we said.

I need to time to unpack that. But maybe I can hold you over with an update about the most beautiful woman in the world who just happens to work in my office? I don't really care of that's a comparable trade. That's what I'm doing.

She's been seemingly nervous around me since the potluck. She sneaks glances towards me when she thinks no one is looking. And I don't know if it's because she can tell that I'm going through hell again or of she likes me back. Does it matter if she likes me back? I'm perpetually on the verge of imploding. Through my own fault or someone else's. I don't know what to do.

Ada asked me if I was seeing someone. And I feel like I should have lied. Not because of anyone else but because I have to except a life line at some point right? Apparently not....

Digitally yours,

Alex

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Entry 37 - Themes?

June 5, 2019

Dear "Diary,"

I wonder if other people spend way too much of their June thinking about all their exes who needed to be out or at least out of shitty situations but weren't. I wonder who else spends hours of everyday concerned about the people who can't be proud but also can't be helped right now. Reasons aside. There are many reasons, after all. Some better than others.

Ada texted me. She asked me to call her, but in terms of the borderline harrassment, that's stopped for now. I guess she's waiting for me to make the next move. And so far, that has only been to wonder if this is her first Pride free from her family's nonsense. And I mean that in a couple of different ways.

As for the most beautiful woman in the world who just happens to work in my office. I've only seen her once since the potluck of magic and wonder. And I got a couple comments and one smiled that seemed flirty, but after everything she's been through (that I only know about in an abstract way from her habits and comments) I can't bear to be the one to make the first move. She might have a lot to lose, so the choice needs to be hers.

So I'm stuck then. But honestly, since Ada and I have so much in common right now, I doubt I can get her off of my mind.

And I know it's dumb, but I'm going to do it anyway. Maybe for closure. Maybe to kill time. Maybe to get a question answered. I don't know anymore. But if Ada will always be in my heart and mind, at least I can make it more literal.

Digitally yours,

Alex

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Entry-level 36 - Normal

May 28, 2019

Dear "Diary,"

Fun fact, coloring your hair, especially with semi-permanent but dramatic colors, has ramifications. Especially when you're young and half-hazardly doing it just to have it done. Eventually, it's going to leave you with a pretty sweet chemical cut, as in your hair snaps off in a pretty definitive "there's no coming back from this" type way. If it's bad enough, then at that point, you're best bet is to shave your head and hope it goes in soon-ish. Terrible hair care choices can be great equalizers in the right light.

All the money I wouldn't be spending on dyes and hair treatments went to getting a wig that looked incredibly normal. It's actually the basis for my current hairstyle, not that you can verify that comment. And with that haircut I attracted a completely normal partner with whom I had the standard hetereonormative relationship with for most of senior year. We got along great. In fact, I think we genuinely did love each other, but there was something accidentally about it all.

You know how the friends you had in school were just the people you happened to have class with. If you didn't know that then this must make for an uncomfortable read, but facts are facts. There are people in this life we just run into, pushed together by circumstance and not people we sought out. And those relationships just feel as artificial as they really are. Because what does it mean if you just happened to have the person? If you didn't have to grow to pull them into your orbit. Or be a better person to get them to stick around. What is a guarantee worth when you should probably be on some sort of trajectory.

To me, it was worth nothing. It's like being a stagnant pool of water waiting for mosquitos to lay their eggs in you, eggs that will bring plagues upon the communities that are trying to get by.

That is where the metaphor falls apart, but that's also what it was like with that partner. It didn't matter if we did love each other. We were consolation prizes at best. I wanted more. I wanted real love. Not normalcy. Easy is nice, but I've tried it. And it wasn't for me.

Digitally yours,

Alex

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Entry 35 - Dreams

May 21, 2019

Dear "Diary,"

The most amazing thing happened on Sunday night. I recognize that this might be nothing to anyone else, but this is my story to tell.

We had an office potluck at the director's house this week, and after the most beautiful woman in the world who just happens to work in my office cut herself a giant slice of the gluten free, vegan chocolate cake I made (her), she sat with me. She sat next to me at a table that had a couple other people at it. But it's not like we ignored each other. We talked. A lot. I can't even list out all of the things we talked about in the two hours she sat with me. And I'm angry that the glow of her presence probably fried my brain a bit and took some of the memory from me, but that's not the point.

At some point, the whole table got started on college days. And this guy and I who went to the same university ended up talking about how messed up our experience was at times. It went around the table for a bit, and then it landed on her. And she had none of that. She couldn't. She came from a culture where college isn't freedom or absurd adventures; it's a "duty," she said. She was brought up in a culture where education was a duty because it led to monetary success which was the only thing that mattered

I don't think anyone else at the table caught the way she hits the word "duty." She's subtle about it, but there's a pain there. I don't expect her to ever tell me the tale behind it nor do I think I'm entitled to it. But I recognize that sound. With everything going on in my life and all the duties therein, I know what she cannot say. The details aren't so important.

It also explained a lot because I've always been a little confused on why exactly I'm in love with her. I mean, she is beautiful, but she's never been my type. When I started at this job, I was warned she could be a bit abrasive, especially when you told her no, there's no money in the budget for that. And that made me think she had an entitlement issue, but she really doesn't. Because after a while, she stopped objecting when I told her no, and it's not like I was being harsh about it.

In the course of that potluck, I came to realize a few things. First, I know her. And I know those scars. Second, she's not demanding something she is not owed. She's demanded permission to exist and a space in which to do that. And maybe she struggled to see those things because they were unfamiliar.

And third, she's not like that with me. With me, she lowers her guard. She trusts me. And that, diary, is the greatest compliment I will ever receive from anyone.

Digitally yours,

Alex

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Entry 34 - Problem

May 14, 2019

Dear "Diary, "

So... problem. Because with me there's always a problem. Mother Dearest, and I use that term loosely will need to move in with me. Essentially the she always assumed it was going to happen anyway, so to say she's thoroughly mucked up her finances would be an understatement. So much debt that she can technically pay off if she sells her house. And her retirement account can be halfheartedly built if she has fewer expenses, which living with me will give her.

Keep in mind. I live in a completely different state. Sure I did it for different reasons, but being that far away from her was definitely a perk. And that is painful to say. Our relationship has its low points, but it isnt consistently bad. It's only bad when she makes assumptions what I want or what is best for me and then ignores me when I try to contradict her.

Her financial instability wasn't intentional. She just assumed she couldn't get a better salary anywhere else and let her currently employer almost criminally underpay her. All the while, she thought it was normal, so she didn't think to check with me. And it's not like she isn't gearing up to be my cook/housekeeper: both things I hate doing for myself.

The problem is that she never thought that my independence was something I valued as a good in and of itself that could not have any sort of price attached to it. I know life on my own can be hard, but I love being able to come and go as I please without having to answer to her. And yeah, I'd have to answer to her if she could see what I was doing. If she had any inclination of respecting boundaries this wouldn't have happened in the first place. She would have tried to be independent, but no, why be independent when you can make your kids financially support you?

Okay, to be honest, I bounce between empathy and anger a lot when it comes to her. She's my mom, so factor in guilt too.

Basically, I can understand why this happened, and I can feel genuine sorrow for her and her being taught that all she could aspire to be was a housekeeper for her successful children. But at the same time, she never asked me if this was what I wanted. She assumed it was fine. Just like she assumed I wanted to go back to my hometown after graduation or that I'd get over Ada. Both of those things were horribly untrue and if she had opened her eyes she could have seen that. But no, Mom doesn't need to second guess herself, she always knows best.

And I know she won't approve of me dating the most beautiful woman in the world who just happens to work in my office. And because "she knows best," I'm out of luck. The clock is ticking. And I've never been good under pressure.

Digitally yours,

Alex

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Entry 33 - base

May 9th (not 7th), 2010

Dear "Diary,"

I know this post is late. I'm having some mild crisis that I'll try to unpack this Tuesday, but in the interim... genuine question. Is it wrong of me , specifically me, to take love wherever I can find it? Not the actions or the motions. Or a game of pretend. I mean someone who genuinely loves me and whose soul lines up with mine regardless of the body it comes in.

Because apparently that's an issue.

I know I can be difficult. Bitchy, even. But there's more to me than that. There's a whole lot of other difficult things that might not ever click with another person. So while it's rare, if I find someone who does fit with me, against overwhelming odds, am I the villain for wanting to hold on?

Digitally yours,

Alex

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Entry 32 - epiphany

April 30, 2019

Dear "Diary,"

I had an epiphany this week that I shouldn't be proud of, but I kind of am. It's the uncertainty that bothers me about life. Am I unique in that? H*ck no, but it's been defining my existence as of late.

I don't know what the most beautiful woman in the world who just happens to work in my office thinks of me, and it's eating me away. I don't know if I'm getting this new job I out in for, so and that to the plate. And maybe the reason I have almost picked up Ada's calls (despite the fact that they are finally getting less frequent) is that I don't know what is happening with her. I don't know why she is calling me or what life has brought her since her family found out she wasn't keeping entirely true to their religion. I'm confused, somewhat scared. And ripping the band-aid off would probably be the best thing.

But why can't I? I think deep down there is a part of me that likes this status quo. The ground might be shaky beneath me, and I have no clue if I'm coming out of it alive, but at least, the wall or canvas in front of me is now blank. Everything got taken off in that first round of shocks. And I'm unsure what I need to put in its place. And that's a hard thing to come back from. Commitment. I'm so willing to make it with people but not with life trajectories.

Perils of a deep seated fear of being alone.

Digitally yours,

Alex

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Entry 31 - Extraordinary

April 23, 2019

Dear "Diary,"

I've known complete and total emptiness. Perceived or otherwise. Considering I still had all of my organs, we should probably go with perception and not reality, but now we're getting into metaphysical questions. Maybe my earlier entries about my depression acting up proved as much, but on the other hand, there's more to it than that.

The post-Ada period of my life were defined by this period of emptiness and a lack of direction. The closest thing I had was a desire to get away from the place I had grown up, and I had done that. But there was no step 2 to it all.

I don't know about you, but I need a sense of direction. I need what could be considered a lighthouse during my storms. Everything post-Ada was a storm, and there was no easy way out.

Sophomore year of university I had a couple more general education credits to finish up. Perils of double majoring as a first gen college student I guess. I didn't know what I was doing.

For my social sciences credit, I took political theory and essentially fell in love again. And no, it wasn't with the professor. Get your head out of the problem zone. (Maybe you don't realize you're in it, but you are) He was a lot older than me, married, in a morally conservative university, whatever you will make of that statement). It was the subject matter that so enthralled me, especially the great ancient philosophers who had the advantage of time beefing up their image. It was this idea that thinking and engaging with the world in this very inquisitive way that got me hooked. Because it was actually something I could do.

Look, if it turns out I am neurodivergent in some not-limited-to-depression capacity, I wouldn't be surprised. The priority will be treating the depression, so I won't explore this, but you know what I mean. I'm not like everyone else. And suddenly, that was okay.

Professor gave me a copy of one of his books when I stopped by to see him one day long after the class was over. He smiled when he saw me. And sure, he had dozens of other copies in his office, but I still cherish this one. I carry it with me.

The most beautiful woman in the world who just happens to work in my office asked me about it when she saw it on my desk one day. I didn't know what to say. She seemed to understand.

Digitally yours,

Alex

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