just-a-small-town-dork

[just-a-small-town-dork]

Platinum Moon (an amazing small punk rock band everyone should go listen to) just released a song called we need therapy and while everyone is extolling the virtues of the blessed poet that is Hozier and the brand new album he dropped (which don't get me wrong I adore), I have never had a stronger emotional reaction to a song then i have to this song:

"raise your hand if you get tired of faking normal raise your hands if your dark humors out of control"

"I don't want to tell my parents that I left the with a letter I don't want to tell my friend if he keeps smiling things get better"

I lived that, I am living it and I started crying on the bus listening to it sung as a kick ass punk rock song,

"we're messed up but we'll stay blind, as long as we keep saying we're fine"

#PlatinumMoon #we need therapy #punk rock #hozier

[just-a-small-town-dork]

Recovery is not a linear road. It twists and turns, back tracks and zigs and zags, sometimes it'll take you across a bridge so high in the sky youll feel like your floating in the clouds, other times it takes you down the deepest tunnels burried dark beneath a mountain. The point is that it never ends, the road of recovery, there is not end point, no magic place where you are suddenly completely better. It is a journey that you follow along through the darkest and scariest of times to the brightest ones. I think its important to re frame this road to recovery metaphor we tend to use, becuase it implies there is a final destination and I don't think there is, i think that even when you are years removed from what put you on the road to begin with it is still a part of you, it is still a part of the journey you continue to walk down during you life. So when relapses happen its not that you fell off the road or lost your way, its that the road turned with you, its still there steady beneath your feet as you navigte through the terrifying dark, leading you back to the brightness but never abandoning you.

#road to recovery #selfharm #i'm not sure what my point was the metaphor got away from me #mental health #its going to be ok

[just-a-small-town-dork]

How come when you actually want to throw up, for example when you drink almost a gallon of coffee in an ill-thought out attempt to avoid sleeping (because if i dont go to sleep i can't have restless horrible dreams) and end up with a terrible stomach ache and just want that stupid cafinated abominaiton out of your body, you cant throw up but when you don't want to throw up, say on a crowded escalator in the middle of new york city, you throw up all over the damn place.

#my life is a joke #fuck off universe

[just-a-small-town-dork]

You know all those little reasons people tell you to come up with so you don't kill yourself? Things like "who will feed your pet, or the next book in your favorite serires is releasing soon and you cant miss that!" Thats real great and all but what about when you've reached the point where you are just so done with everything, that you can explain away all those little things, "is a book really worth living through this hell, someone else will care for my pet, my family will move on..." we need to talk about the unpretty reasons to stay alive, the I refuse to let this take me down reasons, the I will not become another statistic during suicide prevention month, I will not give my intrusive thoughts the satisfaction of wining. As important as it is to focus on the beauty of life sometimes we need to acknowledge that its ok to be alive just out of pure spite, that your reason for living doesn't have to beautiful or loving, it can be the stubborn painful determination to not let your mental illness take you down

#suicidal thougts #suicide prevention awareness #stay alive #its going to be ok #it has to be #i will make it be ok

[just-a-small-town-dork]

"Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?"

I have never in my life related so hard to the first few lyrics of Katy Perry's "Firework" then I have leaving my freshmen year of college. I don't know what I'm doing with my life or my major, going back home to an incredibly small town that bullied me relenteslly throughout my teenage years and feeling torn between two versions of me, the one I am with my family and friends at home and the one I am becoming with the new family I am making here at college.

#college life #freshman #do you ever feel like a plastic bag #quarter life crisis #not even quarter life crisis

[just-a-small-town-dork]

Sometimes my brain comes up with extremely intelegent and eloquent thoughts and other times my brain goes "brrrr pretty girls why girl so pretty oh because i gay"

#gay panic #bi panic #why am i like this #college life

[just-a-small-town-dork]

I was walking across campus just now in the middle of a snow storm to get back to the dorms from the library and i have my headphones on playing my regular playlist and i'm absolutely miserable trudging along in a jacket that is not thick enough because i didn't know it would snow and all of the sudden "I'll make a man out of you" from Mulan comes on and i swear it was like I was possesed. I had a visceral sense of motivation and began trudging through the snow double time, back straight, head held high as i braved the harsh wind, and it took everything in me to not scream "BE A MAN" as i burst through the lobby doors to get into my building!

#I'll make a man out of you #Mulan #Lets get down to buisness #to defeat THE HUNS #Snowstorm #college life #why am i like this

[just-a-small-town-dork]

I have a new item to add to the "Bi-Agenda" -Develop a crush and eventually fall for both people in a straight relationship (optional additions: make an absolute fool of yourself in front of the couple, rotate between being jealous of one or the other in the relationship, accidentally become their relationship counsler) Bonus points if they were your friends before they became a couple or you helped them get together!!

#the gay agenda #the bi agenda #bi life #biseuxal #why am i like this #girls are so pretty #boys are so pretty #bi panic

[just-a-small-town-dork]

Sometimes college is sitting on the counter of the sink in the bathroom all the way at the end of the hall no one ever uses blasting music and swinging your legs while dying your friends hair talking and laughing and sining along to your favorite songs and sometimes its eating cheezits in your bed at 2 am becuase you couldnt muster up the motivation to go to the dining hall and get actual food becuase you were too busy hyperfixating on the least important part of a projet you have been procrastinating for a week

#college life #neurodivergent #why am i like this #i was procrastinating #cheezits for dinner #hair dying #bathroom kareoke

[just-a-small-town-dork]

“You don’t do that in public do you!?” -in response to me stimming 

“I feel like you get conveniently dizzy sometimes” -after I took a moment to regain my balance after standing up to go do the dishes after being asked to do so

“It feels like you do this on purpose, you like the attention” -watching me eat a giant cupcake on my birthday and get frosting on my face 

The axe never remembers but the tree never forgets. 

What are you supposed to do when someone you admire, and respect so much takes all of your insecurities and validates them out loud? There are no instructions for how to be a normal person that other people enjoy being around and yet some how a huge majority of the population seems to just understand the dos and the donts! They know what to do and how to act so people don’t find them annoying, call them attention seeking and eventually leave them with no explanation as to why. What do you do when you can’t go to anyone for advice because you risk losing more people by continuing these habits. What is the difference between needing reassurance and seeking reassurance? How am I supposed to know who is being sarcastic and when, how am I supposed to know whether or not someone minds me calling them to talk how am I supposed to know what habits of mine are things others find annoying. Where is the instruction manual on how to be a person because I can’t take the pain of not knowing and not understanding anymore so someone please just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.

#the axe never remembers the tree never forgets #mental illness #mental breakdown #i can't do this anymore #someone please explain #where is the how to be a person manual?

[just-a-small-town-dork]

Sometimes you become for other people what you most need and I think that’s really beautiful. I had coffee for the first time ever the other day (for context any amount of caffeine sends me into sonic the hedgehog mode) and I promptly freaked the fuck out and called a friend (L) who I knew was going to pick up his girlfriend (my other friend A). Also important for context was since I had never ordered coffee before and looked up a wiki how on how to do it and because of this ended up with a plain black hot coffee with a shot of espresso, very gross. Anyway, I’m freaking out so I call L and try to convince him that I can totally stop at cvs or the bakery across campus from where I was and just go in and ask if they had any sugar (its also 10 O clock at night) He is trying to convince me that this is a very stupid Idea and I won’t be able to find any sugar there so I tell him I will meet him where he is picking up A by the drama building (next to the stores) and to put A on the phone when he gets her.

 He gets her, puts me on speaker phone with absolutely no context and watches laughing his ass off as A tries to piece together what is happening to me while I ramble at 100 miles a minute. Anyway eventually she is like “no don’t go to the bakery don’t go to CVS, I see you right in front of me on the path just stay there and we’ll come to you” so of course I go charging at the two of them with a handful of hot coffee which L manages to grab out of my hand right before I tackle A into a hug. A tries the coffee thinking it can’t be that bad and I am vindicated because she is like “this is terrible there is no sugar or milk in this!”

 So they eventually convince me to walk back to the union and A promises she will ask them for sugar and so we head off and the have me between them because I have a penchant for wandering off and sometimes walking into the street without realizing and its late at night and we are walking through the pretty Christmas light decorated streets of our college town and A goes “you know I was really upset tonight, deep in my feels about how everyone in the crew is really great friends and I was feeling really lonely missing my friends from home and like I hadn’t made any really deep connections here yet, and then L came to get me with you on the phone and you two turns my night into an adventure and I realized I do have friends! I’m even better off! I have an M (my name)”

And this really stuck with me, because I had been feeling that exact same way all week given the stress of finals and being unable to spend time with my friends or talk to anyone back home and also the constant neurodivergent fear that you don’t have any real friends. Anyway it made me so happy that I was the reason that someone else realized that this wasn’t true for them, and they actually are loved and have friends and are enjoying their life in college. All because I was being my weird quirky self! 

#college life #coffee #neurodivergent #friiendshipgoals #wholesome

[just-a-small-town-dork]

I wish psychiatric service dogs weren’t so expensive, I wish it were easier to keep a pet with you at all times, I need something to keep me alive though, I need to have someone who relies on me, who loves me unconditionally and who I don’t feel like i’m a burden to. I know my family loves me and I love them and that me killing myself would hurt them beyond belief but sometimes I feel like its really selfish that everyone wants me to stay alive because i’m struggling so so much and i know its cause they love me but then what am supposed to do the rest of the time, they cant be with me every second of every day and its not fair of me to always burden them with my problems and things especially when they have to take care of themsevles and others as well but then what am i supposed to do? I know my mom and dad and brothers would be devastated if i was gone but they would move on eventually right? and in the long run wouldn’t it be better? they wouldn’t be spending so much money on a college education for someone who is failing all her classes and doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life and is barely keeping herself alive. my brothers would be able to have my parents full attention without feeling guilty for needing them while they are trying to keep me from killing myself, they would be so much better off in the long run, i think, sure they’d be sad but they’d get over it eventually and move on and who knows maybe they will even go on to create a charity that helps kids like me so no one ever has to go through this again, then my death would actually be a good thing for so many people to come. I dont know, I dont really want to die, but i dont want to be alive any more. i dont want to feel trapped because i cant talk to anyone without somehow burdening them. I want a dog to cuddle me and lick my tears off my cheeks, one who will sit on my lap so that I cant punch myself in the face and tell myself i deserve, one who will take the scissors away when i sit there just staring at them, knowing that i wont but being tortured by them anyway. I want a puppy who will love me as i am without needing me to be strong for them, someone i can be my complete broken self with and still be loved. or even just a fish, something that relies on me to keep it alive so that i stay alive myself. but a puppy to cuddle would be nice 

#tw depressing thoughts #psychiatric service dog #i dont even know what im tagging anymore

[just-a-small-town-dork]

What do you do when you and your roomate have back to back mental breakdowns after each insisting that we had every thing "completely undercontol and bottled up" all week? you ditch your classes for the day, make a blanket cave on the floor and project harry potter onto the wall!

#roommates #mental breakdown #harry potter #college life

[just-a-small-town-dork]

I have a question, why am i like this? I have been sitting in my dorm room all afternoon wanting to do something, its nice outside so reading outside sounds like a good idea and i have so many books both new and old but I dont want to read any of them, not that i don't want to but that i can't they aren't what im looking for.

ok why don't I watch some tv or a movie I have a whole list of new ones i've been wanting to watch and acess to all of my old favorites but nope I don't want to watch any thing but thats not exactly it becasue its not that i don't want to its that none of them feel right. So i think i'll draw for a bit but i cant think of a meidum to use to draw or a thing to draw, not that i don't have ideas, but none of them feel quite right. I want to go for a walk but I feel too weak, I feel to weak because I barely ate but i only barely ate because even all of my safe foods weren't quite what im looking for.

Ok so i'll listen to some music, ok great this is working puting on my drown it all out playlist but uh oh! nope you are not allowed to go past this song, you have to keep replaying it, it's the only thing so far that has eve come close to stasfiying that feeling so I latch onto it and think maybe i can get myself moving by playing this song on the ukelele or finish up that project im working on, writting out my favorite fan fics onto a note book so i can read a physical copy instead of always reading off my phone but nope, nuh uh, stop right there, none of those are gonna work so now im just sitting here, in my room on my bed, depressed and in a funk.

I could call somone in my family and talk to them but who and about what? no that won't work. what about my friends, I dont want to miss out and be anti social but i dont think i can handle being around other people right now besides i dont want to bother them and what would i even say? I could always call my old friends from back home but no because im too insecure right now and ive been too stressed that they hate me and besides what would i talk about? nope not that either, ok what about a nap? maybe? no... i dont know, typing on tumblr helped, but i cant do that for an eternity...

Am I the only memebr of the broken brain (ND) club that gets this feeling, probably not because ive learned as ive grown up that pretty much every part of my personality is a symptom of one of my disorders but still, do any other ND people out there get like this? How do you cope? How do you keep going? I refuse to let my brain win and go back to the dark place spent years clawing my way out of but days like today make it really really hard to remeber why i keep fighting, becuase im tired and its really hard.

#neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #Broken Brain Club #Wtf is up with my brain #ocd #adhd #anxiety #depression

[just-a-small-town-dork]

I spent all week so stressed ahout midterms and getting them done and studing enough and having mental breakdowns every day and just repeating "just get through this week" to my self like a mantra and now im here, I just finished my last midterm and I honestly don't know what to do with myself! What is the meaning of life if not studying and stressing for giant pointless exams? what do i do now that i dont have any assignments due for three days? Why am I here? What am I doing with my life? What is anyone doing with their life? Does it even matter? do we even exist at all or are we just ants in a garden for beings much larger then ourselves, insignificantly small and meaningless... I should probably get some sleep now.

#college life #midterms #exsistential crisis #freshman #i give up #Im in spain without the s #sleep deprived #shitpost #engineering major

[just-a-small-town-dork]

Im in college now and shit i did not realize how ill prepared i was to handle all this! Here i was thinking that all the truama and other shit ive been through so far with school and my mental health and all that would give me a slight leg up on other freshmen (and by that i mean put me on the same field instead of 40 feet below crawling through a tunnel in the dirt - this metaphor got away from me, idk) but NOPE i was super fucking wrong. also the world sucks and i have no where to vent all of my teenage coming of age angsty problems to, and no one gives a shit about my random ass page so tada here i am again I just discovered how to use tags this is so cool

#freshman #college

[just-a-small-town-dork]

I love how the older generations are legitematly scared of us gen z kids, like in my literature and film adaptations class we are watching and reading different versions of dracula including a lot of modern remakes. As we have been watching people have been making coments like "become a vampire who dies in a great ball of fire or have to give a five minute oral report next period, hmm I know which I'd want! what about you?" or "I'd let her bite my neck!!" or all these ridicoulus things like saying "mood" when the vampire is being all angsty or yelling "lucky" at the screen when someone dies and the teacher litterally stoped the film, turned on the lights, went to the front of the class (we all thought we were in so much trouble) but she just looks at us and goes, "are you guys ok?" and we like burst out laughing and a couple people shouted "no!" before the bell rang and we all left leaving an extremely concerned teacher in the classroom!