chirpyblues

[chirpyblues]

this, this is the reason why i make myself lose myself in books. one story after another, rinse repeat everyday. this crippling loneliness that has had me since i became a tiny human and now a fully functioning one.

some people have people in their family, some have friends, some have partners and while i do have all of these on paper, I don't have them near me, I don't have their time and sometimes i don't think they even remember me. it's okay, that's life, i understand everyone is busy. but hey, I'm left here, alone, lonely.

and so, i read. once i found this loneliness could be lessened through books, there was no stopping me. when others were having fun with friends, i was 12 and immersed in books. i didn't realise then why i was making the choice I was, but today i do.

my life has seen a lot of rollercoastering. there have been some people who have been by my side. but they're always still so far away, you know? where's the hugs? where's the love? where's the suffocation of space that people feel with people around? why is no one suffocating mine?

so this is my acknowledgement, appreciation and gratitude, all wrapped in one, towards books. because they have kept my spark alive, they have given me reasons to smile, to giggle, to feel better, to not feel utterly immensely alone. and i need that, maybe always will.

~ shreeya.

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[chirpyblues]

a tangle of arms everywhere

and breaths mismatched

a tangle of eyes closed

and mouths a little open

you and i are a tangle

of questions and answers

of easts and wests

of smiles and hugs

a tangle of each other

willing completely to

be lost and be found

in the other, by each other

~ shreeya.

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[chirpyblues]

to all the silences that pierce me

and the screams that embrace me

to all the questions that stab me

and all the doubts that weaken me

to all the sorrow that engulfs me

and the agony that gnaws at me

you came at me when i wasn't armed

you embarked mayhem upon my life

you wanted me to drown right there

but look at me today as I swim along

it took a lot of power but I held on

and i may be a broken mess at times

but at the end of the day, i am here

i already won the war of surviving it

~ shreeya.

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[chirpyblues]

woke up and wished you birthday,

in my mind, obviously

saw your picture the next day

social media connections

did you always have crooked teeth

or was my mind so lovestruck

that it painted you simply perfect

your arms around that girl

but she wasn't looking at you

and definitely not with

stars and hearts in her eyes

white shirt stretched across

your chest and you were smiling

a smile i know so well yet i don't

because we were children

when we thought we were in love

and now we're people with lives

that couldn't be more apart

will i ever stop missing you?

maybe you just liked me while

i actually did fall deep in love

i don't know, all i know is that

i saw your picture again today

so you'll be with me in all of my

dreams in the upcoming nights

and only ever in my dreams

in the upcoming nights

~ shreeya.

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[chirpyblues]

Do you believe in true love,soulmates,good ppl and happy ending?if so how would you like to persuade those who don't believe this world to be a good place to live or even view it as a paradox of unexpected tragedies?

{given below are all my thoughts, they are not facts in any way or the truest word to exist}

actually, this world is pretty chaotic, in my experience so far.

but, true love does exist. it exists in multiple forms, too. parents, friends, partners. in all these ways and more. same for soulmates, you can have one and even more than one. they do exist but they obviously aren't completely aligned to you just by existing. you align with each other with time.

good people are such a silver lining to all the bad that is around us. and yes, i believe in them. i know they exist.

happy endings? now I don't know about that. what i do know is this, life ends for all of us and it's literally the last page of the book. it doesn't matter, the ending. what matters is the story of the book. and it is definitely not always good or always bad. granted, everyone gets dealt with a different pair of cards and some lives are glorious while some are genuinely unfortunate. but yes, life is literally ups and downs with death as its end. not gonna sugercoat it.

how do i persuade someone who doesn't believe this world to be a good place? hey, i agree it's not a good place. anybody who told you that wasn't telling the truth. the world is chaotic and people are chaotic and our own minds are chaotic.

don't think of things in terms of good and bad, that's too unreal and doesn't really help. think of it in terms of chaotic and orderly maybe? or positives and negatives? i don't know. i am no one to preach.

all I'm telling you is, life is not supposed to be good or happy or easy. if it is, thank your God. if it is not, you can't really blame anyone. but it's never all bad and it's never all good. that's the best i can do for you, to tell you, that the bad isn't always there and that there is good too. and hey, living is all about making the best out of it, at least that is what I'm trying to do.

sorry if this was boring or lecturing or anything, i tried to be as honest as i could.

i hope you have good things to look forward to, today and ahead <3

[chirpyblues]

at this point, it just feels like I'm gathering hurt from anyone and everyone, because I don't know any better.

it's sad, it's pathetic. it's unkind to my heart. but it's definitely not made up.

the scales need to be balanced, the ones with happiness on one end and hurt on the other.

i read somewhere that for every bad memory, you need five or so happy ones to replace it.

where are mine, i wanna scream. i am screaming, so loud in my mind.

why have they stopped seeing me, why is my despair not visible, why do they only and only ever hurt. why. why. please, why.

this life, it pains me. it pains me in so many ways. and i still try to give, try to love, try to see the despair on other's faces.

i am always gonna do this, the being there for others thing. but i have stopped expecting anything in return since a while now.

you know what drives me? the fact that i can survive and be good despite all of it. and there's so much that can bring me down.

i want to win at this. i want to show that i was handed the wrong cards. i was never loved in my time of need. i was never understood much either.

and i am still here. i am here and i continue to be kind, to love, to understand. i am gonna be better than life. i am gonna be better than them, too. i think i already am.

~ shreeya.

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[chirpyblues]

brown eyes with a fleck of gold

sounds so cliche but it's just so true

secrets we keep like knives between our teeth

'cause we can't afford to tell a soul

what led to the first loss of our lives

sunny moments we keep falling back on

like they're fluffy cushions meant to break the fall

reality dances as it won another round

love that was once a river of emotions

evaporated into a dry hollow nothing

yet the nothing's there as something

it never vanishes, the proof of your existence

in my life, in my past and whatever's left of it now

we end where we begin, after all

in my mind that circle never made sense

this love is my own to grieve till the end

you own the oldest crack on my heart, after all

~ shreeya.

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[chirpyblues]

"just because your intentions are good"

can be used as such a perfect excuse

for anyone being harsh, being mean

for people saying whatever that

they think they have the right to say

because why not? after all,

they "mean well" for us, don't they?

people need to understand

especially the ones close to us

that words leave footprints

the permanent kind of footprints

so if you dig your heel in the earth

it will leave a mark, no matter what

and if you want to leave a mark

let it be without blood and tears

kind words are maybe one of the

rarest treasures that I've found

or maybe i haven't found them yet

because no one uses them anymore

~ shreeya.

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[chirpyblues]

i think you've left

I'm not sure yet, or maybe that's what i tell myself to console me, even if i am sure

if you go, how will life look like for me?

will everything really remain the same and still end up reminding me of you?

I don't want you gone but I'm quickly learning that what i want doesn't happen around here

my heart will scream in your absence

and then it will be left an empty hurting ball of flesh

because you will take all of me with you, if you go, when you go

thinking about our normal hurts because it was the closest thing i had to home

please don't go? can you even hear me? i guess you left

maybe i should forever leave being here too

~ shreeya.

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[chirpyblues]

they say i will be twenty soon but i can't recall myself being alive for twenty whole years. i have survived them, though. the wounds are golden scars on my heart letting the light in.

time is being so funny right now and i cannot, for the love of God, find the will to fake laugh at it. they say it will get funnier and i can't even imagine feeling even more like everything is flying by as if it's sand falling away through the gaps between my fingers.

my memory is very very hazy. so generally, i don't remember much. but randomly, i remember some random thing from these twenty years and thus begins another random nostalgic dive into the ocean of "where'd the time go?"

they say i will be twenty soon. it's too old. it's too young. my childhood is gone, according to them. my inner child is now learning to breathe, according to me. my life stands ahead of me and yet the past has already denied so many ways to walk upon. and decided so many, too.

this is not a crisis or calamity. this is not a beginning or an end. this is just another milestone in time, one that feels significant because twenty is supposed to be a sign that you now know enough of this world.

you know to lower your expectations so that you aren't disappointed at every turn. you know to accept most things by chanting "it is what it is" in your head. you know now that pain is the ultimate end of everything in some or the other way so it's better to become better at tolerating it than avoiding it. you know that life has its ups and downs but the downs are supposed to make you value the ups more. you know to count your blessings, to keep your memories closely tucked to yourself because they are the only real home you have. you know to value your people more than anything and yes that includes yourself too.

twenty is a very young age but it is old enough to know these things and many more. i will now embrace a whole new decade while holding hands with all of my previous nineteen selves. the best gifts that getting twenty years old can give you is the clearest sense of reality that you have had in life yet, a perspective that is both super young yet not so easily malleable and the rightest amount of hope. and so, i'm happily here and grateful that i made sure to hold on when the storms were angry.

~ shreeya.

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[chirpyblues]

we are the product of all the people we've ever known

i read a lot because my parents used to. they left reading but i picked it up because of them. i started writing when a teacher randomly asked us to write a rhyme. i stopped writing a lot of times in my life but it was a handful of people who liked my writing so much that encouraged me to keep moving. a teacher once fixed my m's, another showed me a different way to write my f's. a dear friend once taught me to cross my sevens. i listen to every kind of music because i want to relate with the different music personalities of my many friends.

you know how you dress up and your tie is a bit askew and someone stands in front of you and gently, quietly fixes it and moves on, like it was nothing? there are so many people who straightened so many ties of mine. i'm a jigsaw puzzle and all the many pieces that have made me and continue make me are all the people i've had the privilege of having a part of. we are, after all, the product of all the people we've ever known.

~ shreeya.

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[chirpyblues]

~ shreeya.

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[chirpyblues]

and here i am, back to hoping that the hurt takes me rather than me taking it. i hope i crumble down enough that i finally see the end to the suffering, even if that end is not happy. people don't understand how effectively you're breaking while pasting a smile and acting okay. i hope i see the end to this suffering soon, because i don't think i can suffer any more.

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[chirpyblues]

loss is like a black hole in your heart that never will ever go away. and somedays, this black hole is violent and vicious. it becomes just the perfect cavity to drown your what-if's and why's and tears in. and sometimes letting yourself fall into that cavity is equal amounts heartbreaking and comforting. i have had so much loss to grieve. so much that I don't think i will ever stop grieving, consciously or subconsciously. and right now, in the middle of the night when the outside world is quiet and cold, my mind is raging with grief. it's not angry, it's just broken down. there is no fight but there is still so much malice. life took away the fight from me. maybe I'm grieving that too. i just really hope that one day this black hole stops being resentful. loss can't be replaced but i hope one day i have enough happiness that it fills the remainder of my heart. my fragile little broken but still kind heart.

~ shreeya.

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[chirpyblues]

for my parents to hold me without asking for anything in return

for them to want to fight their demons because i matter to them

for them to want to make me smile even when life stabbed my skull

for them to say kind words to me because they are the ones supposed to teach me what love and kindness is

for them to be on my team but not just be there in an obscure way, rather be fully present

for them to notice me, notice my tears and most importantly, notice my fake smiles

for them to like and respect the person i am rather than mope about me not being the person they dreamed of me becoming

what do i ask for?

all i ever ask for is to be loved, and turns out, that's the same as asking for the moon

~ shreeya.

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[chirpyblues]

life is chaos. i have pasts to accept. i have people i need to know more of and people i need to forget more of. i have stories to tell and many more to listen. i have a lot of things to look forward to and at the same time, yearn about the past by becoming a big mushy ball of emotions. there are feelings that will make me feel like i have travelled back in time and then there will be feelings which will be new friends as i go through life. i am learning what life is every single day and every single day i learn something new which humbles me more. growing up might be endless but right now, i am growing up more than i ever have. and i like what i am seeing. the world is a stupid broken sad place but it is what i have. and i like it cuz i accept it as it is. i don't know if my dream of leaving the world a better place than what it was before me will ever come true. but i will try to make it better in my own tiny ways. and at the same time, i appreciate the mess it is. it could be so much worse and here i am, happy in my cocoon of words. life is a seriously funny thing and i am just another twenty something kid learning to live.

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[chirpyblues]

if only there was some way for him to know

that he has now officially left the footprint

of his existence etched in stone in my mind

his thoughts are always there in my head

and i just know i will never let him leave

throughout this lifetime of mine, even if

his memories are all that i have left of him

~ shreeya.

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