c0smicinsignificance

[c0smicinsignificance]

i know we’re both just messing around pretending to be whole but look at me. if the train was coming would you move. if the ground was falling from under your feet would you even notice or would it just be another tuesday for you. if somebody stabbed you could it hurt worse than you already do. what i’m saying is that i love you but i think we both drive over the speed limit when it’s raining. what i’m saying is that i want to hold your hand and i understand about how you sometimes have to sit down in the shower. what i’m saying is that i’m here for you and if the train comes please move.

[c0smicinsignificance]

Tiptoeing stop shards of insecurity and

Whispering in a tone just duller than the breeze I meet

Your gaze but have no desire to look away

“Where have you been all my life?” He calls

Out into the nothingness surrounding us

A mother bird returning home to her April-born chicks

Cannot encompass the irrepressible promise of hope dripping from your lips

The mass of my curiosity multiplied by the acceleration of my heartbeat

Equates the force at which you are drawn to my aura

I am the sun

Each day I wake before the worms and

Dance across the sky in

Awe

Of my own trancidental capabilities

Illuminating a world in which I no longer fall to my knees at the foot of a lover

But stand tall with the knowledge that

I am the Sun

And my trek across the sky every day and every night is a

Blessing

To all those lucky enough to experience my light

—you found me at the beginning of an endless spring

[c0smicinsignificance]

“Under your wing I am home Nervous yet void of longing for your soul I’ve never liked the sun but I can’t get enough of the warmth radiating from your chest Your heartbeat more familiar than my own I seek proximity to your being For I gravitate around you Heart and mind pull me in Envelope me in peace Serenity Settling into your orbit and never leaving You are all I need All I need All I need”

—

[c0smicinsignificance]

It is what it is, you know?

[c0smicinsignificance]

#Lisa taddeo #three women #tw suicide #important

[c0smicinsignificance]

May 3, 2021

Healing and homework

#Tw: abuse #cw: abuse #tw: domestic violence #prose #journal #diary entry #writing #lol isnt it fun being mentally ill isnt it great #tw ptsd #ptsd #chronically over sharing online (again) #today my mom sent me an article about how people who were abused as teenagers are significantly more likely to marry an abusive parter #like come on mom who is that helping #anyway i spent the day sitting with these feeling and trying to listen to what they’re telling me #my therapist has a lot to work with tomorrow lmao #happy to say that it doesnt usually get this bad anymore and now i have skills to help myself when it does #but yeah here’s what its been like inside my head when it gets bad #we’re learning!

[c0smicinsignificance]

and I hope when you think of me years down the line // you can't find one good thing to say // and I'd hope that if I found the strength to walk out // you'd stay the hell out of my way

#something that I always come back to when the nightmares keep me up #the mountain goats #hand in unlovable hand #Spotify

[c0smicinsignificance]

Last night I dreamed that I’d been drinking Same dream I have ‘bout twice a week I had one glass of wine I woke up feeling fine And that's how I knew it was a dream

[c0smicinsignificance]

Sylvia Plath, from “Three Women.”

[c0smicinsignificance]

#trigger warning #tw abuse #tw bruises #tw blood #tw sexual assault #tw drugs #tw violence #sorry for chronically oversharing on the internet #this was my homework for therapy and it was really good for me and we talked about it today and it was really helpful #and now I don’t know what to do with it so naturally I’m putting it online #therapy #trauma #ptsd #healing #!!!! #ever wonder what it’s like dating a psychopath/someone with ASPD? look no further!! #tw domestic violence #actually abused #actually ptsd

[c0smicinsignificance]

The past few months were pretty rough, couple of times I wished we both were dead

#another oldie #mine

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#a lil piece from 8th grade #9 years ago? okayyyyy sure #mine

[c0smicinsignificance]

The last few months in journals

#mine #the front bottoms

[c0smicinsignificance]

“I used to think the hole in my chest was meant to be filled with contempt But now I know it is for the sunshine you radiate at a pace only I can keep up with You keep the chip in your sock 45, 60, 90, 6 months Every day is a battle you choose to fight and i am proud of you Let me show you what healthy love feels like Let me give you the gift of equally reciprocated passion You know you are the one I dream of when the Darkness creeps in You are the tug on my wrist that pulls me away from danger you are the pull on my heartstrings when someone else calls me baby Do you still love me like I love you? Tell me that you still love me too Start over Let’s grow up together again Let’s do it right this time No games just tender affection that we are now capable of I want you all to myself I want you here with me I want to know what we could have been all those years ago”

—

[c0smicinsignificance]

“In the deafening scream of midnight I hear you call out to me Through what means What miles What solar system You ask if I’m feeling it yet and my skin starts crawling The bugs I’m sure live in this room of mine Unseen but not unnoticed Swarm into the shape of constellations We saw those nights on the roof And they Swarm into the shape of your fist When it collided with the tempered glass And they Swarm to every part of my body And I feel your touch all over again But this time I let myself hurt And hurt And hurt And hurt And I do not apologize for hurting And I do not go numb And I get angry Because I was not allowed to hurt Because I was not allowed to be angry”

— I’m starting to miss the drugs more than you, but I guess that’s an improvement anyway

[c0smicinsignificance]

“I want to be your drunk text romance A type of love I only show when you are too far gone to try to lie I limit myself until you are unable to censor your words Then I Excavate The thoughts I do not allow myself to think Switch on the neurotransmitters in my brain Release endorphins I swallowed down and converted to Nausea No longer can love rot the lining of my stomach I let it flow Through my fingertips to your inebriated heartstrings A direct line between my soul and yours We were Never Able to Sever What’s the difference between a best friend and a soul mate In the morning when you sober up I exhale you like a stale cigarette You always hurt The most on the way out”

— My whole life has been a fight to differentiate platonic and intimate feelings

[c0smicinsignificance]

Bloody knuckles and sharp tongues shattered my relational template long before I even graduated from a provisional drivers license. Its taken me quite a few tries to find a connection that is reparative instead of repetitive.

Unsubstantiated faith laced with Vicodin sealed the channel from thought to mouth. There was no room for my personhood.

She is still punishing me for the years I took from her just by being born. My heartbeat replays the methodical tap tap tap of a trooper’s knuckles on stained glass each time I close my eyes.

My teeth are rotting from the acidic bitterness I spit up when anger claws it’s way up my throat. My dentist asks if I smoke; i tell him yes, in a past life.

Inconvenient damage

#mine #poem #spilled ink #attachment theory #anxious attachment #anxious avoidant attachment #disorganized attachment #tw #ed cw #addiction cw #abuse cw #prose #words #inkskinned #Christmas #actually depressed #actually adhd #actually bipolar #mental illness #mommy issues #depression #anxiety #self medicating #medication #Vicodin #pills #Xanax #Valium #oxycontin #jason isbell