apologyacceptedcaptainneeda

[apologyacceptedcaptainneeda]

Dammit dammit dammit

She fucked with my head. She made me afraid of storms. She made me afraid of rain!

I like storms. I do.

She fucked with my head. And I can’t forgive that

#actually traumatized #actually traumagenic #my grandma forced me to be afraid #she reinforced that fear over and over

[apologyacceptedcaptainneeda]

Am I in crisis? Oh I think I am. The urges are so strong. I could just ya know just do it. It wouldn’t be hard. If I just…

Ugh. My brain is so shattered. I’ve dealt with so many triggers recently. And I’m outside my window of tolerance. I’m in survival mode

#actuallymentallyill #mental illness #actually schizoaffective #trauma #actually disabled #actually bpd #actually traumatized #actually traumagenic #I might be in a mixed episode #I’m literally only alive for my cat

[apologyacceptedcaptainneeda]

Am I a person?

What am I?

I don’t know.

I want to say I feel, but do I?

Where am I?

Who am I?

Am I a person?

#actuallymentallyill #mental illness #trauma #actually traumatized #I don’t know what’s happening #i don’t know #who am I #am I a person

[apologyacceptedcaptainneeda]

I finally did it. I applied for ssi. It needed to be done. I am not suddenly recovered nor will I ever. I am very disabled and facing that reality is so hard. I got home after the application appointment and I cried. The process used all of my spoons and then some. I’m tired. I’m so tired

#actuallymentallyill #actually schizoaffective #mental illness #trauma #actually disabled #spoonie #actually bpd #actually mentally ill #actually traumatized #disabilities #disabled

[apologyacceptedcaptainneeda]

live, laugh, garlic bread

[apologyacceptedcaptainneeda]

#schizoaffective #actually schizoaffective #schizoaffective disorder #schizophrenia

[apologyacceptedcaptainneeda]

#*slow clap* #damn it

[apologyacceptedcaptainneeda]

Anakin: Not gonna lie, I'm kind of afraid of Cody... Obi-Wan: As you should be. Anakin: No, for real, he is kind of- Obi-Wan As. You. Should. Be.

#obi-wan kenobi #incorrect quotes #incorrect star wars quotes #star wars #marshal commander cody #codywan #212th attack battalion #212th battalion

[apologyacceptedcaptainneeda]

you know i have never heard a convincing arguement as to why AO3 should not moderate the content that is posted to their website and i think a lot of the arguement against moderation on AO3 boils down to, terminally online people thinks community moderation is the same as government censorship and personally sending the cops to someone’s house to arrest them irl/

#ao3 #fanfiction

[apologyacceptedcaptainneeda]

You guys just have to trust me on this one and click here okay?

#so satisfying #stimmy

[apologyacceptedcaptainneeda]

Sometimes I think I’m fine I’m normal there’s nothing wrong with me

And then I have a full panic attack just trying to take a shower

#actuallymentallyill #mental illness #actually schizoaffective #actually disabled #actually bpd #actually ocd #actually schizophrenic #yes I had a panic attack while trying to shower #extreme paranoia and fear of water is a big problem in my life #was blackwater going to burst in while I was vulnerable #were they going to torture me with the water #i don’t know #I can’t tell reality

[apologyacceptedcaptainneeda]

Oh I remembered when my vitamin d3 level got tested at the hospital. Yeah. They were like so we would like to see like a level of 60 so we’re putting you on a supplement. I asked my level. And. Oof. I was at 3. Yeahhhhhh. I definitely had a deficiency.

That was three years ago. I still take a very high amount daily. Because if I don’t my level drops significantly.

Oh and they gave me a b12 shot. I was deficient in that too

#actuallymentallyill #actually disabled #spoonie #actually chronically ill #I was a wreck #still am #it was in the psych unit #they were very good there #vitamin deficiency

[apologyacceptedcaptainneeda]

I fear. I fear for myself and my friends and everyone in the lgbtq community. Because if that orange joke becomes president again things will get dangerous more than they already are.

And I’m already planning. I’m thinking of how I can shove myself back in the closet. But realistically I don’t think it’ll work. I’ve come out publicly. It’s on my public social media. It’s in my medical records, and let’s get real medical records will not be entirely protected if things come down. I can’t hide. I’m screwed

[apologyacceptedcaptainneeda]

I went to community mental health today. To find out what services I could get. I have an appointment with a case manager Monday. They offered me an appointment for tomorrow but we went with Monday because I used all my spoons doing the intake. So yeah. The case manager is going to help with a lot of things

#actuallymentallyill #mental illness #actually schizoaffective #actually bpd #actually disabled #actually mentally ill #actually traumatized #spoonie

[apologyacceptedcaptainneeda]

I’m already beyond stressed about this years election. I’m trans. I’m queer. I’m disabled. While I dislike biden, trump is catastrophically worse. And I’m terrified that he’ll win. Four more years of trump is absolutely terrifying. It was bad when he was in office. It was so dangerous. And I recently moved to a more conservative area where I’ve seen numerous trump flags. I’m scared. And I don’t want to go through this again. I don’t want to have to hide my identity again. I just want to feel safe. This country should be about freedom, so why do I feel so trapped?

#rant #politics #political #I don’t feel safe in this country #I wish I could leave #but I’m disabled so places won’t take me #I fear for my well everything #because lets face it #trump is the enemy of the people

[apologyacceptedcaptainneeda]

Here’s the thing. I’ve struggled with disordered eating since I was like 12. I’ve battled it for a long time. With the delusion that food and water are poison I am feeling so defeated. When I get one thing under control another gets out of hand. I just want to eat. I want to drink water. And it’s so hard. I want to give up

#actually mentally ill #actually delusional #actually schizoaffective #actually schizophrenic #mental illness

[apologyacceptedcaptainneeda]

So yesterday I got a delusion that food is poison. Yeah. Fuck. So today I hardly ate because my brain won’t fucking let me. Tonight I was reaching for water drink before taking my saphris and my brain goes “that’s poison”. I can’t fucking win. I just can’t

#actuallypsychotic #actuallymentallyill #actually delusional #actually schizophrenic #actually schizoaffective #actually schizospec