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at work, wanna kms ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

fuck me my legs hurt sm

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i haven't posted in forever but omg

this is the most suicidal I've felt in a long while - last night, after having panic attacks all day, I had thought it would be a smart idea to tell my bsf about my past of hurting animals as an act of curiosity,,

obviously, this didn't sit right with him and I was asked to leave - I came back a few minutes later asking if he needed more time, however, I suddenly had gone into a complete switch, having body spasms and a sobbing episode that was so hurtful my body couldn't even cry physically but rather only let out whines as if I were doing such

I don't remember much, but apparently I had blacked out multiple times, and my bsf comforted me the entire time, which I honestly feel horrible about

I just want to die already, why did everything have to come to this

why do I say too much

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my friend said she'd leave me if my ed got worse kms

like?? I'm no longer allowed to count cals, or restrict :(( bc if I do, then that'll just make my mental state worse and therefore upset my friend - I feel bad obviously but yk I wanna be comfortable in my own body,,, even just losing maybe like 3 kg like if I did that I'd probably feel so much better bc I'm at that weird point where I'm average weight but skinny fat too sorta, so like, I look thick and stuff while being average instead of looking "average"

sigh,,

#cw ed #ed tumbler #ed not ed sheeran #ed rambles #ed rant #very upset #shaking crying throwing up #i am not okay #tw ed vent #tw ed

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IM SO FAT WHAT THE FUCK

#cw ed #ed tumbler #4n0rex14 #bul1m14 #ed not ed sheeran #ed rambles #ed rant

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GUYS IM GETTING SICK Y'ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANSSSSS (no appetite yayyyy)

#disordered eating cw #4n0rex14 #bul1m14 #cw ed #ed ednotsheeran restriction #ed not ed sheeran #ed tumbler #tw ed #ed rant #ed rambles

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one minute I'm fine and feel like I can eat whatever, next minute I'm stressing about the most simple of things such as a biscuit or a slice of cheese :/

#disordered eating cw #ed tumbler #ed but not sheeran #tw ed

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why does everything taste so much better after starving myself for hours on end,,, </3

#ed tumblr #edtumblr #ed rambles #tw ed #tw eating issues #disordered eating cw #cw ed

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the insomnia that comes along with having an ed tho,,, >:(

#ed tumblr #ed #tw ed #ed but not sheeran #edtumblr #cw ed #disordered eating cw #ed rant #ed rambles #insomnia

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all the cals i’ve burnt today!! 

went on a 6km walk (250 cal)

played basketball (low effort) for 2 and a half hrs (780 cal) 

total burnt - 1030 approx :)) without adding the actual cals i’ve consumed today lol 

adding that up would probs be around 454 burned so far yay!! tho that’s excluding dinner that i’m about to have 

with dinner being 410 cals, i would have burnt a total of 44 cal which isn’t much but hey i burnt SOMETHING

hopefully i can start burning more soon </3

#edtumblr #disordered eating cw #ed #ed but not ed sheeran #tw eating issues #tw ed #calories #@na diet #weight loss diet #counting calories

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here are some yt accs that i love for exercise and other weightloss related content; 

momomi - absolutely love their stomach and thigh workouts, and they’re only 4 minutes for each video!

chubby dolly - their ed vlogs are honestly so calming and chill to watch, i sometimes have them on in the background while i’m writing down cals for the day or prepping for uni 

fflur - omg their restriction vlogs and recipe idea vids are so inspirational!! unfortunately most of their videos are unlisted and can only be accessed through the playlists listed on their profile so it’s not common to get notifications whenever they post but apart from that their channel is great! 

elizabeth chu - their leg workouts especially are top tier, many people expressing positive results almost immediately after their first time trying it out :) very nice aesthetic too imo so they’re kinda calming to watch and not intimidating like some other accs lol 

#ed tumblr #edtumblr #tw ed #ed not ed sheeran #4n0rex14 #bul1m14 #youtube #workout #ed ednotsheeran restriction #low cal restriction #disordered eating cw #cw ed #th!nspo #th1gh gap #weight loss

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jar of hearts by christina perri

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my workout plan!! <3

I really wanna lose weight in my stomach, waist, and (inner) thighs so I'm really hoping this will help! ;w;

#workout #ed tumbler #edtumblr #disordered eating cw #ed ednotsheeran restriction #tw eating issues #leg workout

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I miss my parents yet hate them so much - I'm so glad I got kicked out of my dad's, yet cry on the off occasion bc of how much I miss seeing my parents; no matter how they treated me.

I'm so worried for my brother, who's having to still deal with their shit and having to do it all alone without me, his older brother who would help them when an argument would ensue or when things would get violent. I don't want him to be alone but I know I need to prioritise my path in life - at least for now, which sucks. it's been months since we were last in contact and it's becoming unbearable.

after being kicked out, my physical health and overall mindset on life (my own especially) seemed to have hanged to a gigantic amount for the better long term. I'm actually healthy and wouldn't have been able to reach where I am now if I stayed. yet oh how I miss it - being able to starve my body, getting high off the smoke my dad inhaled throughout the house with his girlfriend without any care of my own health, being so mentally unstable that I would go into states of panic whenever my favourite person wasn't in contact with me for more than an hr, abusing my body to cope with everything. it was horrible, yet I still have a sense of longing for it again, which honestly scares me.

I wanna love my body, I want to live a happy life... but I want to be so mentally and physically fucked - and to be such way with someone else, someone I fall in love with, someone who feels craze and adrenaline over the idea of harming oneself as much as I do.

but I know this is all wrong.

maybe this is why my parents don't love me - what they created and abused had been depraved of the simple act of love for so long that he now finds love in harmful things, destroying himself constantly

I was in therapy for my mental health for 8 years, being prescribed with many different medications and having way too many hospital trips, especially within the last 3 years. but within the one year I've been away from my family after getting kicked out, I haven't been happier, yet despite seeming "recovered", I'm far from such mentally.

I still hate myself, and want so much that I should never wish to have upon myself.

why can't I just love myself, why did my parents make me love wrong.

#cw vent #disordered eating cw #tw ed vent #edtumblr #personal vent #bpd vent #i miss my parents #ed not ed sheeran #bpd shit #mentally drained #mentally unstable #bul1m14 #4n0rex14 #tw eating issues #tw

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like i feel like this rn

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omg today is gonna be interesting,,,

I haven't eaten

I haven't slept

my shift today got extended from 6hrs to 9hrs

and later today I have badminton (2hrs) and a workout to do with little break in between

honestly at this point just waiting and wondering when I'll pass out from exhaustion - just now chugged some vitamins bc I can't even stomach the idea of eating food rn so hopefully that'll keep me going just for a little longer

(currently posting this at work with 5 hrs remaining)

#ed tumbler #edtumblr #tw ed vent #tw eating issues #random rant

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im going to romantise my ed, feel happy when my stomach growls, smile and decline food knowing i'm slowly rotting away, laugh when people ask if i'm losing weight and most importantly, feel amazing because i have self control and i will be skinny one day