taintedtruths

[taintedtruths]

there are times when my friends come up to me and say "u used to be much nicer like 5 years ago."

theyre right. i was. much much nicer than i needed to be 5 years ago. but that was before i lost 2 of my closest friends bc i trusted them with all the kindness in me.

when i lost them, i lost the kindness in me too.

dont get me wrong. im not a rebellious teen filled with angst now. im still grateful for everyone else i have around. but i gotta say it has been quite a ride from then. cuz im not saying im afraid to make new friends or that im not interested. i am. i just dont know what to do about it. when u have valued ur closest friends and what u have with them for all ur life and that exact thing stabs u in the back when youre not noticing, friendship is the last thing that comes naturally.

now im just closed off. and its all i have ever knows for the past few years.

im about to start a new chapter in my life soon. im moving to a completely new strange city. im scared but also excited. its a weird feeling. amongst all these emotions, i wonder, would i, 5 years ago, survive better in a new city with all the kindness i had to give? or am i better now bc of all the things i know NOT to do?

#writeblr #new beginnings #writing

[taintedtruths]

its 1:00 am. you're trying to fall asleep to a show but somehow u find urself perplexed w an ocean of thoughts. u have so much to say but u dont know how u can possibly explain what youre feeling. some days u manage to figure out the words to post in whatever social media youre comfortable. and some days u just sit in your room looking blankly at a white screen just trying to write out what u feel. but u cant. so u burst out crying. and then u regret it in the next morning.

#writeblr #3 am writing #anyways #this is fucked up #feelings

[taintedtruths]

a friend to all is a friend to none.

it took me a while to really understand that u cannot be friends with everyone around u. and i think that is one of the reasons why as we grow up, it gets harder and harder for most people to make more friends and be more likeable.

i personally cannot stand people who hurt the people i love. and especially when its shielded under "its not a big deal" when u and i both know it is a big deal and u just want to get away w it. so im not sorry that i dont want to be friends w u. im not sorry if i give off "weird vibes" just bc im not willing to make amends w u thinking shit happens and im really not sorry that i have decided to move on and not be fun and amusing like i used to be after what youve done.

"u dont have to forgive and u dont have to forget to move on. u just become indifferent."

some people just dont get it. they think its okay when its really really not.

#writeblr #anyways #friends #friendship #some people just dont understand the simple things

[taintedtruths]

does it ever feel like your friends are all of a sudden pulling away from u?

why do you get this wave of loneliness out of the blue even when u know there are people who have our backs?

how do u automatically isolate and silence yourself so that u get to leave them before they even get the chance to?

what if them leaving u was never an option but just an overthinking thought that came into reality from your own absurd assumptions?

when do u finally stop feeling like everyone u befriend will leave u because of ur past traumatic experiences where ur best friend turned out to be a manipulative gaslighter so u had to cut him off and now u wait to cut everyone else off bc thats all youve ever known?

where do u go when u cant stop urself from getting these mind boggling interuptions in ur head that stops u from sleeping the night before ur last board exam?

who do u run to with this ridiculousness?

#writing #3 am writing #overthinking

[taintedtruths]

when is it enough?

its a question that i repeatedly find myself asking. ive been working hard, studying for my exams, trying to fix my sleep schedule, eating somewhat on time, working out, feeling completely out of touch with who i am but still trying to hold on because i have to be enough. enough for my parents. enough for my sisters. enough for my relatives. enough for my partner and also enough for some woman living next to me who thinks ive gained weight.

but when does it become enough? no matter how much shit youve gone through, nobody really cares. as long as you are serving your purpose in their life, which is being quite foolproof and perfect.

what if i dont want to be? foolproof or perfect? what if i want to be enough but just for myself? what if i want to stay up till 3 am and binge watch sitcoms? what if i want to drown myself in sad music at 8 in the morning until i finally feel okay? what if i want to chug ice cream like theres no tomorrow? what if i want to dance like no ones watching? what if i want to just exist without having to reach unrealistic expectations?

shouldnt being me be enough for anyone who claims that they love me?

#i wish life was easier #just a thought #writing #writer #writerblr #writer blog

[taintedtruths]

when i was young, i used to wonder what it would be like when school would end. 16 years of my entire life, spent with this BIIIG family of more than 100 people. it really was just as much of an escape from home like my books are from reality. i loved school. in fact i loved it so much, id go to check during the holidays and make sure its closed. its ironic isnt it? most people hate school because of how much it makes them suffer. now that school is finally over for me, i know exactly the kind of hurt it makes u feel.

i started filming different parts of my school a few months ago, thinking i have loads of time left to finish capturing each and every single corner. while i kept waiting for the perfect moment, i didnt realise my time was already over. though we have exams coming up, its never gonna be the same.

life's never gonna be the same.

today was the last day of my school. i was so overwhelmed with my emotions that i forgot to feel them once i entered the building. the fields, the grass, the sky, the tears, the smiles and all that makes sense didnt but also did make me feel tons of sentiment, all at once. why is it that just when u want to cry ur heart out and laugh with ur friends till ur lungs fall off is exactly when the universe decides u get to feel everything and nothing at the same time?

ik ik, everyone says goodbyes are the hardest. but it really is. specially with the people that u practically grew up with. today i hugged and spoke to people who gave me wonderful memories of my school life when i was only FIVE YEARS OLD. thats so young?????? just the subtle hint of innocence in that particular moment says everything about how ur school friends will ALWAYS be the most precious. and thats something that i just cant come into terms with. but the fact that i have to live and breathe knowing that im not in school anymore, getting excited for cultural events and crying before tests is not something that i anticipated to get taken away from me THIS FAST while i throw my graduation cap at the sky, waiting for it to fall back on my head and all snapping back into some kind of a dream.

not just yet. its too soon.

#high school #graduation #grateful #goodbye #startofadulthood

[taintedtruths]

what do u do when someone wants to be heard by u and u want to hear them but smth or the other fucks it up?

what do u do when the person u love the most tells u that youre the reason theyre being dragged down? that youre the reason their mental health was doing better when u werent there?

what do u do when youve been putting so much effort to keep the relationship, that matters to u the most, going just to know that its just not working?

what do u do when youre just not ready to let go but ur s/o is already losing confidence in you?

#idk why im sharing this #life suuuuucks #3am things #rambles #i wish life was easier #idk what to do #anyways

[taintedtruths]

dear future me,

i was looking at old pictures today and i could feel a tear drop resting at my waterline. i dont remember anything about my childhood. just bits and pieces. and how i wish id remember better. bc life sucks so bad right now. and i want to remind u that u should cherish every little memory- take more pictures, film more videos, write more in ur journal, just so that when u look back at ur old memories for ur kids, u remember them. remember that life was once carefree, and peaceful. life was once a small nest where it was just u and ur family with a bunch of good memories- no hardships, no trauma, nothing to lose and nothing to regret. just pure happiness.

#sad but true #3am thoughts #3 am writing #life is strange

[taintedtruths]

i wonder why i get urges to breakaway so casually. id be sitting on a chair, eating dinner with my parents and all i would think of is to run. far far away. id have the urge to escape. the urge to leave everything behind. the urge to just go someplace that isnt here.

but in reality? there is no such place i can bolt to. i cant just get up and leave. i can just continue to exist and be esoteric.

#life suuuuucks #idk what to do #anyways #i hate it here #fuck everything #fuck this

[taintedtruths]

we have all been in a stage where life feels like we r in an endless trance- a trance where u r stuck and everything is a blur, a place where u dont know what to think to start thinking and all u crave for is to break free from this desolation. u try to convince urself that everything is going to be fine and u keep grinding, working, struggling, and giving ur maximum effort just to realise that life has disdained u.

yet, u dont stop. u have reached the limit. u r surviving on ur last cup of coffee, last drop of blood, and finally ur last gasp of air from drowning and yet, there's something reaching out to u and u just cant standstill.

#deep learning #anyways #epiphany #what the fuck #idk what to do #i said what i said

[taintedtruths]

its weird how a break up can be so mind-numbingly liberating and disturbingly agonizing at the same time. people all around me always say things like, "if youre better off without him, then u know it was toxic for u but if u arent then it was definitely true love."

well what about all those times when u know u r at peace, u r less anxious, u know that this is good for u and ur mental health but u also feel a knife incessantly stabbing thru ur chest, constantly reminding u that u had someone who couldve been the one bc u we were so incredibly perfect for each other but u lost them and now u cant help but wonder if u r even a second thought to them so u helplessly want to be emotionless just so that u dont have to feel the pain of losing them.

and of course, 3 am thoughts strike, and all u can think about is whether they care as much as u do. and youre trying ur best to send a message thru ur stupid social media posts that u still love them PRAYING that they see it and its driving u crazy that u dont know if they feel the same bc im right where he left me.

and all of this bc u couldnt tell them u want to get back some day bc u feel like ever since youve entered their life, everything has been wrong and now that youre out, theyre doing better again; which hurts so fucking much bc they had just the opposite effect in ur life.

its weird isnt it?

#breakup #ends #shit happens #3 am rambles #i thought of this at 3am #deep thoughts

[taintedtruths]

"there are times when u deal with anger by turning to work which can make u seem emotionally aloof"

as much as i want to say i wrote this, i didnt lol. i saw this quote a little while ago and i simply couldnt agree more. however i dont see this as something negative. i think turning to work while dealing with anger is one of the healthiest ways to deal with it. why? because instead of doing something toxic, like hurting someone while you're angry and when your mind is just blank out of anger so u throw whatever's in front of u and break your favourite mug, u turn to be productive. to some, being emotionally aloof might seem dark and cold because that person is just so reserved with what they're feeling. but in a way its a blessing in disguise protecting them from doing something they might regret later. but to some, this might also seem like a way of running away from their emotions instead of dealing with them. its like being ignorant towards what needs to be everyone's first priority. what astonishes me is how this alone proves how perspective, can so dramatically and profoundly change the way u think.

#3am things #3 am mood #spun life #idk what it is #rambling #poetry #thoughts #late night thoughts #deep thoughts #realization

[taintedtruths]

last night i was listening to the atw 10 min tv for the 100 millionth time and i realised how excellently taylor used "double-cross my mind" as a phrase to describe how jake aka her ex lover crosses her mind while making her think of how he deceived her in a truly gruesome way. the fact that she expressed her emotions so painfully and yet so honestly proves that she is probably the best songwriter and singer we will ever get as a generation. i really wish she would write a book so that all of us can once again appreciate the beauty of her creativity like we have been doing for so many years.

#taylor swift #taylor alison swift #red taylor’s version #atw10mv #swifties #swiftified13 #swift icons #taylor lyrics

[taintedtruths]

sometimes we give people more value than they deserve and i think that is so beautiful because of how extraordinarily it portrays our innocence. the fact that we pour our hearts and fill their cup regardless of knowing whether they're true is enthralling. it is astounding how that same feeling backstabbing us can be so excruciating at the same time. it tells us how life itself can be a double-edged sword if not lived warily.

#shitpost #not pr0 just using tags #you are better than this

[taintedtruths]

it takes one fall to overlook all the hundreds and thousands of unforgettable intact memories that makes u think of how weak your relationship is with your s/o. it takes one fall to forget how much u are willing to compromise for their happiness. it takes one fall to know how far u will go to make sure no obstacle injures the depth of your bond it really takes one fall to think whether u should have left when u had the chance or stay for the bittersweet journey ahead.

#relationship #epiphany #sad but true #idk why im sharing this

[taintedtruths]

the power that books have over us is like the power that the sun has over the day. its a getaway car that helps us flee to another world, its a feeling away from being jaded, its like undergoing the sensation of aliveness for the first time when dancing under the rain that is stuck in our mind like people occupied in a busy elevator on a monday morning. just like that-how everyone never forgets to cease the chance to accomplish the day, books are engraved into our consciousness like an intricately carved woodwork. its an escape. a memory, a hope, a reminder, a constant.

#poetry #books & libraries #prose

[taintedtruths]

sometimes i think we forget that friendships are as important as any other relationship because the thing about having a friendship that sustains for a lifetime is, that it gives us a place to escape without us even realizing. it leaves us wondering what would’ve happened if that one friend that we lost would’ve still been here. this is a reminder that life is too short to dissociate yourself from the once person u don’t want to stay away from. 

#frienship