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mechaknight-98 · 6 months

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Gathering Part II: Primal Empathy

Warning: there's going to be quite a bit of mtg nerd in this section along with some heavy topics.

I "Hey Tj, why haven't you played this deck?" Yujin asked me as I worked on cataloging things for the collector.

"That's Volrath… I don't think you all would like playing against it," I replied.

"Why not?" Yujin asked, looking confused.

"Well, simply put, this is my deck. So originally, it was an ooze kindred deck, but as I put more time into the deck, it changed and evolved into something else. It kinda became a part of me, and for better or for worse, it is the deck that is most reflective of me. I don't think others should be exposed to that, especially since it's not always the best to be around. Needless to say, it is no longer that pauper deck it once was," I explained to Yujin.

"Okay. Well, I want to see it, so bring it to the next game night. I want to see you as you see yourself," Yujin said, determined.

I laughed before countering, "You're a little minx, you know that?"

"Yeah, but you like me like this," Yujin replied playfully. "Wait, I thought you didn't have a 'signature deck'? I know you said that to everyone when we first played."

"Oh no, it's not my signature deck. This is a manifestation of all I am as a player. It has all my pet cards, all my favorite effects, and all my best and worst quirks and ticks as a deck builder, which makes the deck extremely true to me," I responded.

"I'd call that a signature deck," Yujin corrected me.

"I wouldn't, but only because in my mind for something to be 'signature', you have to sign off on it, and I refuse to sign off on that deck," I said.

"Ominous," Yujin teased.

"Yeah… Sorry about that. Got a little in my head there. It's just been tough, you know, the whole thing with Astrid has got me out of sorts," I rationalized.

"Really? What happened?" Yujin asked, sounding concerned.

"She'll tell you that it was how I dealt with her mom, but this is about her new girlfriend," I answered.

"Didn't you tell her to try dating again? Are you mad it's not a guy?" Yujin asked, hesitantly.

"No, despite my Christian upbringing, I don't care about her choice. Well, I do… Her partner is bad news," I responded, honestly.

"Oh? Why do you think so?" Yujin asked, surprised.

"She uses her intelligence to lord over others in a subtle way that many don't realize what's going on," I explained.

"How so?" Yujin asked, curious.

"She thinks you are inferior to her because we are dating because she thinks I am immature. So when she said, 'Oh, you're dating him, that's understandable,' in a tone that reads, 'You could be doing better,' I felt belittled," I quantified.

"But you have said I can do better numerous times," Yujin pointed out.

"True, but that's all in fun. You like to tease, so I am trying to match your energy," I explained.

"Oh really? So what do you think?" Yujin interrogated.

Not falling for her trap, I gave her the honest answer that wouldn't show too much of my anxieties or self, "I think you are one of the most spectacular girls I know. Also, I am lucky to have been smitten with you and you with me. Lastly, your sincerity makes me want to be more refined in who I am and match that."

"Oh, you're such a charmer, also weirdly flexible," Yujin teased.

"How so?" I inquired, intrigued.

Yujin hesitated as she thought of a clear way to say what was on her mind. "You always seem so burdened to keep the peace that you shift yourself to do so, whether it's edh or socially. I don't think you've ever intentionally overstepped your bounds."

"Well yeah, obviously not. Why would I?" I asked, confused.

"Because we need to create space to be who we are!" Yujin asserted, almost yelling.

"Oh, right," I said.

Yujin smiled, then leaned in closer. "So tell me. Who are you behind the mask?"

"You'll have to stay tuned to find that answer," I responded before kissing her. She blushed before smiling and kissing me back.

A couple of days later it's game night and I am on my getting ready. when I leave my apartment and before I can space sift over to Yujin's I am accosted by my ex-partner.

"Well if it isn't Agent Muraganda. I am surprised to see you so far out this way." I groan

"Agent Kylem. I knew I should have killed you instead of listening to Artio." I lament

"Still to the point. Good that will make this easier." Kylem praises

"Enough small talk I gotta be somewhere soon." I sigh

"Oh, you think you can take me?" Kylem Inquires

"You have been out of the game for a while so you may not be aware of where I am at," I say

Kylem smiled then summoned his dual swords, "So confident! Let's see if it's well-founded." he taunted.

I get in a fighting stance ready to face him. He runs to me with a wild lunge. I dodge and kick him in the chest as he rolls behind me. I summon a smile rifle to keep him at a distance. He smiles and slashes through my bullets while avoiding the ones he can't cut. He kept running and when he got close I had to block with the rifle. he attempted a lucky slash which I blocked and parried with the rifle bayonett. Kylem slid back. He smiled maliciously.

"You know I always thought your guns were so cool. how you could kill at range but then I realized you are a weakling." as Kylem spoke he got a lucky shot and stabbed through my face…from then on the mask fell off and he was a dead man. an intense green ichor mixed with red blood drips from my face as my aura tries to repair the damage. I remove my hand and look to Kylem who can only look in terror.

"I will eradicate you." I yell Kylem looks at me terrified as I grab him and space-sift him to a place where I can "stretch out." my aura opens up and one head pops out of it and becomes one of the Lami-Orochi the unyielding's heads. Kylem looks in terror.

"Let me beat you with your toys," I say as menace drips from my tone and I point to Kylem. Copies of his weapons begin to fly at him from every direction, and to his credit, he manages quite well, for thirty seconds, until I send more, then some more, and more. I watch as his body becomes a pin cushion for copies of his blades. I snap to stop the blades and approach the bloodied brawler. "I told you what would happen if we fought again."

"What happened to you?" Kylem asked gurgling his last few words.

"You of all people should know. I got hungry and bored and "ate" my way to more power." I said before stomping the last lights out of his eyes.

when I was done I space-sifted back home to get clean, then I called Artio and said "I cleaned up your "mess". It's in Death Valley. you know the "proper dumping spot"

Artio responded, "Theodore what did you do to Kylem?"

"I fulfilled the promise I made the last time we fought. You honestly should be thanking me he can't hurt anyone anymore." I tease

"We will talk about this later!" Artio commands

"Um no we won't it was self-defense and I don't work for BRIPE anymore. This was just a courtesy call." I say calmly

"What's gotten into you?" Artio questions

"I don't know my ex-best friend who tried to kill me just tried to kill me again," I argue

"Point taken, but we do need to talk. Not as boss and employee but as friends."Artio concedes

"Every time I have needed a Friend the only one I could count on was me…and I guess Yujin now…huh that's a weird emotion I am feeling," I say as I process everything that has gone on today. I hang up on Artio before heading to Yujin's I see Volrath The Shapestealer sitting on the shelf, and I consider leaving it, but then I remember her words from the other day and stow it just in case.

I arrive outside the dorm still somehow earlier than everyone else. Wonyoung and Gaeul are still here along with Yujin and Rei. Yujin in an admirable attempt to bridge the gap has me sit with Gaeul and Wonyoung. They are still wary of me despite my withdrawal From BRIPE, but hey what can you do? Seeing Yujin's worried look I realize something. there is no point in attempting to appeal to Wonyoung and Gaeul. I should only appeal to the person I care about here.

"Yah Yujin-ah your sisters are giving me dirty looks," I say as I walk to her. she looks at me shocked

"What are you doing?" Yujin whispers.

"What I came here for. To hang out with the best 4th gen idol ever." I said loudly

Rei interjected "Me."

I turn to Rei and tease, "Sadly no but you are exceptionally talented and I will support you. I came to hang out with Yujin. The Ace of Aces. The all-around all-rounder." I turn back to Yujin who blushes. Gaeul and Wonyoung follow into the kitchen.

"Oh don't act to be all lovey-dovey with us." Wonyoung challenges.

I scoff at Wonyoung.

"Act??? This is not an act. This woman is Mucho Caliente, she is a star whom I am lucky to have interested in me. All the love I have for her is not an Act. I scoff at your insistence it is."

Gaeul looks at me and begins to laugh. then quickly recomposes herself, but it is too late my silliness got her, Now for Wonyoung.

"if this isn't an act then why are you so tense with us."

I had to be careful in my response. I had to be witty and not overbearing. so I went for it.

"Well isn't obvious? I am surrounded by some of the hottest young ladies I have ever seen, and so I stumble…I am excluding Leeseo from that she is firmly in the cute category for obvious reasons." Leeseo who happened to be walking by looked at me sad and then confused before laughing at me.

Wonyoung was still unconvinced, "Oh really big scary BRIPE agent is afraid of pretty girls?"

"Yes 100 percent no hesitation, now it gets easier each day, minus the urge to talk someone's ear off about my special interest but hey, that is neither he nor there," I respond to Wonyoung's challenge.

Wonyoung's eyes narrow, "You expect me to believe that talking to women is harder than fighting monsters?" Wonyoung questioned

"Definitely. Fighting monsters is easy just roar and hit them harder than they hit you." talking to y'all is hard, there are all these unsaid rules and etiquette things I have to follow it's exhausting." I answered

"So how are you being so eloquent now?" Wonyoung rebuked

"Because I am treating you all as monsters or villains, and this is battle banter. I mean everyone here is a demi-human minus me a psionic so I figure why not." I rebutted

Wonyoung erupted into a laughter fit hearing that it was so intense that she began snorting, and that's how I knew I got her.

"You're so dumb." she teased

"Nun-uh," I said and Wonyoung began bursting into laughter again. I found her energy and I matched it.

Wonyoung's laughter subsided, "I still don't trust you."

"I don't care besides I got you. We're friends now." I counter

"You seem confident." Wonyoung asserts

"Well yeah, I got you to laugh. that's my win condition, in social spaces." I retort

"what?" Wonyoung asks

"Well that's what this is right a game, and games have winners and losers, I learned that my best strategy is to get to people by either being the most bombastic and memorable person I can or getting them to laugh. Yours Yujin is the overwhelming charm. you charm people with your grace and wit so everyone has no choice but to like you. Wonyoung's is delicateness and nobility. My only proof of this is how many people call your princess all the time. Gaeul's is her grace and poise. she is regal and dignified in her presentation so she garners positive attention. this all manifests to win cons. or to put it simply the acknowledgment of your social skill working. for me that's laughs. If I can get you to Laugh we're friends. Unless I don't want to be." I elucidate

Wonyoung looks at me stunned, before saying "Well played then Paladin."

"Oh, I like that Princess wony. You're going to have to keep that one." I say to Wonyoung who blushes and laughs some more. I move closer to Yujin who is all smiles at this point. "I think we are good to go right?" I ask Yujin. she nods.

"Well then (I clap my hands) Onwards to Yunjin's for game night," I say enthusiastically. Yujin and the rest of her present group members laughed some more.

On our way out Wonyoung corners me and says, “Since you are Yujin's boyfriend and you're not backing down can I ask a favor?”

“Sure,” I say

“Keep her safe,” Wonyoung responds

“As long as she lets me I will,” I reply

“Spoken like a true paladin.” Wonyoung teases

“Requested like a true Princess,” I say

“Okay, Pally now go on help Wonyoung beat Yujin, Connor, Sakura, and Siyeon.” Wonyoung edicts

“Ya know what I will,” I affirm

after that Yujin and I begin the trek to Yunjin's. while on the way Yujin says "So I have bad news Tj."

"What is it?" I ask hesitantly

"My label says we can't date." She says

"I figured that but we are not dating I am courting you; there's a difference." I correct

"My label doesn't see it that way," Yujin says

"So what does that mean?" I ask

"Well, We have to cut this off." Yujin states

"Ahn Yujin I swear on all that is bizarre and unexplainable…"I start but realize something halfway through," You know what I will humor you."

"Oh really and why is that?" Yujin questions suspicous

"Because you have stolen my heart and I want you to be happy and I think you are in the same boat. I don't think you can do it." I assert

"What's that supposed to mean?" Yujin asks

"Well I think you are as in love with me as I am with you, and it leads me to believe that I don't think you can cut me off. Also, I think your label may be preparing one of the girls for a dating scandal but that's irrelevant." I postulate

"Oh really Mr. Know it all and why do you assume that?" Yujin questions

"Just a hunch, but yeah I will humor you. So how does this change things between us." I ask

"No hanging out alone one on," Yujin says

"We barely did that?" I reply

"No PDA." Yujin states

"Again that's something that seldom happens," I reply again

"No…" Yujin starts

Tiring of this game I decided to predict her next statement"Ooh Ooh let me guess, no intimacy whatsoever."

"How did you?" Yujin starts

"I've read your company's dating policy because I realized this would be an issue. So I began courting you instead." I explain

We arrive at Yunjin's not long after. Connor opens the door and greets us.

"Oh good it's Theo and Yujin. I can't wait to play against your Sultai pirates deck Theo." Dexter says as we walk in. Eunbi smacks his neck

"I know you're excited but greet them properly." Eunbi scolds

"Hi guys ( I turn to Eunbi.) Once a leader always a leader huh?" I say pleasantly as Yujin also greets everyone.

Eunbi blushes.

"How is my favorite interracial couple," Yunjin says as she walks into the dorm's living room.

"Oh us we aren't a couple anymore," I say teasing Yujin who hits me.

"Ah Whae?" Yunjin quesitons

"OH, what happened," Connor asks.

"My company found out about us and told us to break it off," Yujin says as I gesture to her.

"Jinja" Eunbi says shocked Yujin nods Dexter being the blunt one says

"But wait you two came here." I nod and then respond to something he said earlier

"Oh before I forget I am sorry Dexter there will be no Sultai Pirates today. It will be Sultai Toolbox instead."

"Sultai toolbox?" Yunjin asks

"Sultai toolbox," I affirm

"Who's the commander?" Siyeon asks

"Oh, Volrath the Shapestealer," I answer

"How does it work?" Sakura asks as the sometimes fellow Sultai player.

"You'll see," I say as we all sit down.

In tonight's game knight is headed dragon. All the "Couples" were paired off. So the pairs were; Yunjin, Connor, Dexter, Eunbi, Sakura Siyeon, Yujin, and me. We all sit down and reveal commanders. Connor looks at mine and reads it "Huh I haven't seen it in a while."

"yeah I don't like bringing it out but I can't bring myself to dismantle it," I explain

"Okay, how strong is it?" Dexter asks

"About as strong as your Omnath locus of the roil deck." I clarify Dexter nods and this causes everyone to bring out their "Signature decks. Yunjin and Connor won the roll-off

"Ah Tj-ah you can go first I wanna see how good Volrath is," Yunjin said. Connor looks at her before saying

"No you know how he builds and he says this deck is as strong as Dex's omnath deck." Connor tries to

"It will be fine. we can afford to lose a game. besides we can do what we always have done and gang up on them." Yunjin replies. her smug, and confident look wears down Connor. Typically the competitor in me would be all about wiping the smirk off her face but I am trying not to give into the other part of me I can feel waking up We unfurl our playmats and Yujin sees mine.

"What Happened?" she said I looked down and saw it was my Fromis_9 Playmat.

"I have played with this loads of times," I say to Yujin. She pouts and says

"BUT I like your IVE one. Where is that one?"

"I had to wash it. it was covered in dust." I explain. Yujin scowls, and pouts

"You sure you two are cutting it off," Yunjin interjects.

I shrug which makes everyone laugh. I open the deck box and set Volrath the Shapestealer down with his deck box close by. I take it out and set it down I begin to sit up and a familiar silence begins to overtake me. Siyeon sees it and comments on it. "Tj-ah are you alright?" I look at her and I see apprehension in her eyes. I blink as I try to mask the hostility that is arising within me.

"Yeah, I am feeling great why?"I lie

"Your eyes are glowing with your aura," Sakura responds

I nod and say "Yeah my powers activate when I am in tune with myself and this deck is the most I have been "in tune with myself" I explain. Yunjin smiles and says

"that's so cool."

"I assure you it's not as cool as you think," I say saddened to Yunjin

"Ooh Ominous" Eunbi teases, and I smile seeing where Yujin gets her 4D personality from.

our first turn goes by fast as I play Barkchannel Pathway into Sol Ring, into Arcane Signet into Sol talisman. I probably should have done Mystic Remora which was also in my hand but I know one of the other blue players probably would have countered that. so I let them have their moment to breathe as they all played their various turn-one plays.

I begin to see the gears in Connor's head turning as he faces Yujin. he gestures to my board and says "That's a turn two commander". as he plays commander turn one. as does Yujin

"Okay, so I am the problem when you both have two powerhouse commanders out turn one?" Yujin nods and says to her boyfriend

"He's right because we know Kkura Siyeon, Eunbi, and Dex are going to start explosive."

"But it's Theo we have all seen how he plays. We are being tricked." Connor pleads.

"I assure you There is no deception going on," I say

"Oh, really you just expect us to trust the Sultai player and the Jund player." Kkura teases

Yujin and I shrug at the same time which causes a riot at the table.

"Seriously you two are perfect for each other." Yunjin says in between laughs." Kkura nods in affirmation. after that Siyeon and Sakura go with draw engines for their turn ones. Sylvan Library for Sakura (She was Playing Tymna Hana I believe) and Siyeon was playing Evelyn the covetous. so her turn was a rhystic study turn one.

"Hey, Kkura or Connor how is Giselle? I haven't seen her in a while."

"Oh, she is dating this new girl Erin…I think is her name. she's a vampire like Yujin and Aeri." Connor says.

"OH, what type?" Yujin asks brightly

"Nightstar. if I remember correctly."

"Cool it will be awesome to have another Vamp to hang out with."

I give Connor a thanks and a thumbs up while also noticing the wince in his voice describing Erin which makes me believe she may be less than friendly but hey anything is better than HER. I think to myself. I watch as Dex plays more disciplined magic and doesn't feed Rhsytic study except to kill it with a clutch turn one nature's claim. Eunbi on the other hand explodes her hand all over the battlefield dropping artifact and ending it all with an Esper Sentinel. "Ah, Noona what did I say about feeding Rhystic study." Eunbi turns to Dexter and sighs as she remebers.

"Play under it because it is an incredibly powerful spell," Eunbi says.

"Yeah but why couldn't you just wait till I cast Claim before casting all your stuff."

"Well I got excited I finally got turn one sol ring and a fellwar stone," Eunbi says elatedly. Dexter relents in his frustration and nestles closer into the tiny woman. I smile at their relationship. My hostility is replaced by a firm sense of longing for something similar to what the Inuit/Russian young man and the Korean young woman have. It sent a pain in my chest that was painful but not unpleasant just dull.

"Tj-ah you're crying," Yujin says bringing me back to reality.

"Oh sorry Eunbi and Dexter are just so cute together," I say as I wipe my eyes.

"Oh don't be such a softy." Yujin teases

"Why not you love that about me." I retort

"Yeah, but I can't love you right now so stop it," Yujin says and we share a laugh as does the rest of the table. it gets back to Yujin and I turn and she begins with Birds of Paradise and another flyer with Death touch that I couldn't remember the name of. I play a Zagoth triome, honored Hierarch, and a mystic remora, and the rest of the table looks at me with confusion. This begins the arms race between Sakura and Siyeon, versus Connor and Yunjin. Yunjin is worried because Kkura is playing one of her stronger decks as is Siyeon and they've already had really strong starts. this at least allows Yujin and I to have some breathing room. Something I was going to take advantage of. So on our next turn (after drawing 5 cards off Mystic Remora I pay for the fish then I play my commander as does Yujin. I put a -1-1 counter on the Avacyn Yunjin swung with and passed. Unsurprisingly Yunjin's next move after getting avacyn is a board wipe. everyone who isn't Connor or Yujin groans including Yujin but I pay one and make all of our stuff indestructible. Several eyes widen upon seeing this. after that, the table begins to hate Yujin and me while letting Connor and Yunjin acquire value, but the issue is a lot of the deck is just protected because of the avacyn of one player, the Shalai of another, and so forth. Eventually, it culminates at turn 5 where I make my commander a copy of scute swarm and crack two fetch lands making three of my commanders but with Scute Swarm's name, at this point, I don't have a lock but I do have a lot of exceptionally strong pieces that make the game incredibly hard for everyone else. The only issue was getting through Avacyn. So I did the smart thing and just kept needling damage through slowly but surely. waiting for a mistake to be made, and it did. Yunjin went for a massive board wipe due to her avacyn being out. my response was simple. I exiled avacyn after making Volrath a copy of her then watched the board be destroyed and cleaned up the wreckage from there securing one of our first wins together. Yujin was all smiles as she turned to me and hugged me tight. when she broke the hug the look she had was so full of affection and care, and with everything that happened over the last week and a half I just broke. I ran out of the dorm back to California.

Is Tj, okay Yunjin asks

I'd assume not really he's been dumped twice now in the span of two weeks. First by Astrid and now by Yujin that has to be wearing on him Connor says to Yunjin

He's carrying it much better than I thought he would. Yunjin says with a smile

I guess but honestly I think he's one bad day from full supervillain at this point. Connor replies

Nah he's to gives me too many st Bernard vibes to turn evil. Yunjin counters

You do realise Cujo was a st Bernard. Connor replies

Yeah one with rabies, and besides Tj protects us and himself so well that he would never go feral unless it's for Yujin because he is down bad for her. Yunjin says

Yeah he is extremely down bad for her but, I don't know that game he just played showed me some worrying traits of his Connor replies

Like what Yunjin questions

When I'm down I go to either the beach or the tar pits. Today was a tar pits day. I found a nice quiet corner and I cried for a good while. I cried about losing Astrid, losing Yujin, losing Kylem, losing my job. Thankfully it was in private so I could be alone at least for a little bit. While I sat there I got a message from Yujin.

Through the tears I began singing “Hated” by beartooth which provided some comfort at least

"Please come." It said. So I got up and space sifted to the dorm. I walked in as it was unlocked and went to the living room where Yujin, Wonyoung, and Gaeul were sitting. Yujin's face was puffy and full of tears I watch as Wonyoung glares at me along with Gaeul.

Why did you leave me Yujin asked me

My response was a simple one do you want the honest answer or the one that will be easier to here.

Before Gaeul could even speak I turn to her and say I am aware she is hurt and my affectation is unpleasant but this is between us so please reserve judgementuntil after we converse.

Gaeul and wonyoung both Glared at me but said nothing Yujin on the other hand through sobs said I want the truth do you hate Me do you want to leave and never come back.

I thought about my answer for a moment then I responded, Darling I love you and want to be with you like the sky and the horizon, but I want to respect your wishes and you told me to back off. So I did. Also its been a rough few weeks these last few days

Yujin blushed and looked at me with awe and confusion then she asked, wait really? Tell me everything

Not seeing the harm I did

Yujin hears me out and progressively gets more invested and saddened by my words. After my little tale she says, I had no idea Tj

I shrug and say I didn't want to really worry anyone. Ya know got a reputation to uphold.

Yujin groans as she stares at me well then let's see how we can fix this. she says

#kpop fanfic #edh #mtg commander #le sserafim yunjin #miyawaki sakura #ive yujin #an yujin

32 notes · View notes

lacheri · 1 year

Note

Hi cheri,

I wanna hurt so 25 + 31 for the prompt? 👉🏽👈🏽💛

-🌻💛🌼

order up!!! the angst is hot be careful touching the plate!! (shoutout to the master of angst @astridthevalkyrie for lending me her evil on this one! you're the worst astrid! <3)

cw: pain, suffering, forlorning, sorrow, Levi is a crestfallen chap, he's also a fucking moron, a stupid reason for a break up, hashtag Levi get a grip, mention of cheating (no actual cheating was done), mention of a dead parent, minors/ageless blogs dni!

wc: 1.4k

prompt event: taking requests until midnight est! <3

25. It hurts…” “what?” “Loving someone who doesn’t love you…” + 31. thank you for being in my life

Levi really shouldn’t be out this late. It’s raining for one; Seemingly infinite water drops ricochet against his windshield, the sound deafening in the complete silence of his car. He’s also feeling profoundly empty, not a thought floating around in his head or a goal in mind. He’s just sitting here in this vacant parking lot in the middle of a thunderstorm, staring mindlessly at a flickering street lamp off in the distance.

Erwin told him he should get out more and try to regain some form of normalcy. This probably wasn’t what he had in mind, but then again, Levi is at the very least trying. Which happens to be a lot more than what he was doing before, glazed eyes glued to the blue static of his living room television.

Maybe it’s not much of a difference after all, but he did get out of his stuffy one bedroom apartment. It lacks the abundance of furniture, or any sign of personalization, but it’s a place to sleep, so there’s no need to make it comfortable. It’s not his home. It’s not supposed to be his responsibility to make it that either.

It’s out of habit that he reaches into his pocket, digging out his wallet. Levi doesn’t even realize he’s doing it until he’s flipping the leather open, thumbing over the laminated pocket inside. There’s an oval in the center, allowing the photograph behind the plastic to breathe, and he’s sure there’s permanent damage in that exposed paper from the skin he routinely swipes over.

It’s been one year, six months, and thirteen days since Levi has last seen you. Your picture in his wallet gives him the illusion that you’re still around, still smiling just as sweetly as you are in his pocket, just waiting for him to come home, his real home.

And on nights like this, when Levi is feeling exceptionally devoid of all feeling, he tugs that photo out of the laminate and holds it mere inches from his eyes. He inspects it thoroughly — the one strand of hair straying away from your face, your eyes crinkled and half lidded, your teeth glistening in that goofy smile of yours, stuck forever in the middle of heart warming laughter. God, the way you would light up a room, utterly remarkable. You were so bright, so warm and full of life and love and — Levi would give anything to hear that obnoxious laugh of yours again.

Maybe he likes to stare at this particular picture because it reminds him of how he left you. How couldn’t it? With those glittering eyes full of tears, your lips made up in a deep frown, the devastating heartbreak painted across your features, the polar opposite of your photo.

Levi didn’t deserve you then and he certainly does not deserve you now. Not your smiles, not your tears, not your existence in his life. His palm flips over, running his knuckles gently across your cheek. Oh how he loved you, how he still loves you.

But oh how he had told you he didn’t anymore.

“What do you mean?” You had asked so quietly, so softly. “What happened?”

Levi realized he was holding you back, that’s what. “I’m sorry.”

“Levi,” you pleaded, your pretty eyes becoming puffier and bigger by each passing moment. “We can talk, please, can we please talk?”

He hates himself, you should too. “I already packed my things, I signed a lease on another apartment. I’ll make this as easy as I can, for both of us. It’ll be like I never existed.”

You had laughed in his face then, not one of humor, but one of disbelief, “What do you fucking mean you’ll make this easy? I don’t even know what you’re talking about!”

Do it. Say it. End it. “I don’t love you anymore. I haven’t for a long time.”

The floor disappeared beneath his feet, the earth ready to swallow him whole, but time left him suspended, frozen in midair. Your fluttering lashes and shallow breaths were the only movements he could see, the edges of his sight turning black and he stared on in horror. Unblinking, he stared, drinking in as much of this sight as he could. He deserved it, deserved to see destruction he had single-handedly caused.

But then you sniffled, hope bleeding into your wobbling irises, “Do you think we work this out? We could go to counseling, talk about our problems, fix this, whatever. I’ll do whatever I have to do, just, please, please tell me you won’t leave.”

“There’s nothing you can do. It’s how I feel. I can’t make myself feel something that isn’t there.”

“Is there someone else?” You sounded so broken, clinging onto the last shred of sanity you possessed, trying to find reason in the madness.

He lied for the second time, whatever would make you give up on convincing him to stay, “Yes.”

The noise you released was gut wrenching, a wail so harrowing it permanently scarred Levi. It was the last time he felt an emotion so strongly, so overwhelmingly, he nearly fell to his knees and confessed the real reason as to why he was leaving you.

You weren’t seeing your friends anymore. If you weren’t working, mulling over a job you adored, you were spending every moment at Levi’s side. You had been offered a promotion, but it came with the cost of giving up on the life you had with him, the home you’d built together. Levi didn’t particularly love his own career, but he wouldn’t be able to leave this place. Not unless Erwin and Hange were packing up alongside the two of you, not unless he could pick up his mother’s grave and find a nice patch of soil in a promising new city for her remains. It’d be too selfish to ask you to give up on your dream, especially on him.

Levi is selfish and narcissistic and all the awful, terrible things you’d called him in that moment. He deserved every insult, every venomous snarl from your beautiful mouth. After you were done, shaking with sobs and hugging your body so tightly he could see the bones in your knuckles, he left, swearing to himself he would never love again if this is what love truly looked like.

The next, and final, time he saw you, you weren’t as unkind. He despised it, how sweet you had acted towards him. Helping him pack the rest of his things, offering to cook him lunch or brew a cup of tea before he headed out, politely nodding when he had declined.

“Sorry,” you had giggled softly, rubbing your palm over your opposing forearm. “I’m just trying to make an excuse to get you to stay longer.”

How many times is he going to have to break your heart in order to let him go? “It’s not a good idea, you know that.”

“I know, but,” you casted your gaze down to the floorboards, still holding onto your arm. “It hurts.”

In a lapse of cognisant thought, stupidly assuming you were referring to your arm, he asked, “What?”

“Loving someone who doesn’t love you,” your smile was so sweet, so sad, so defeated. “All I want to do is try and convince you to work this out, to work us out.”

“Are you going to?” He might’ve let you if you tried one last time. “Try?”

You shook your head slowly, your voice a whisper in the wind, “No.”

Levi’s hold tightens on your photograph. It was what he wanted, wasn’t it? He wanted you to be free of his shackles and chains, and he got it. Was it worth the cost? Maybe, maybe not. Levi doesn’t like to think much about anything these days.

He dares himself to flip the picture over, to stare at the back of the paper in his hand, to dig himself deeper into this pit of nothingness he exists in. Torture yourself a bit more, Levi insists to himself. Go numb. Do it.

In your messy writing, black sharpie swirling together, a message — Happy birthday Levi! Thank you for being in my life. I hope you like the wallet. I put this picture in here so you have me wherever you go! I love you handsome!

You ended up taking that promotion in the end. You moved away about a couple of months ago to that propitious new city, that glimmering new life, leaving Levi behind. Just as if he had never existed, just like he wanted.

Levi’s stare is vacant as he takes your photo in between his fingers and rips your smile in half. He rolls down his window and discards the shreds into the rain, turns the key in the ignition, and tries his hardest not to feel a single thing as he drives away.

#lacheri prompts #tw: angst #tw: cheating #levi x you #levi x reader #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman x you

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millylouedward · 6 months

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Iris Kelly Doesn't Date - Book Review

In the famous words of Ruby Sutherland, "Read queer all year."

I am gay. So is this book. We are a match made in heaven.

Iris Kelly Doesn't Date has two main lovers, obviously, and then a circus of side characters who aren't really relevant to the romance at all. And that's fine. It's like when you're a little kid in church and you have a crush on the girl in choir. There's a whole bunch of people singing, but to you, it's only you and her. I swear I'm not speaking from experience (but I will save my religious trauma for another day).

Last year, I went into my first day at a new job. They took me into a room to do fingerprinting because this was an office that required security clearance. I was already riddled with anxiety but ya girl was pushing through. I'd made it all the way to 11 AM. I was on a damn roll. And then, the fingerprinting scanner wouldn't accept my fingerprints.

I kept trying the three fingers that wouldn't take over and over again. I began to think, what if I'm stuck here forever? What if I won't be able to keep this job? What if I died and I'm in hell and this is literally hell? Next thing I know, my heart is racing. My vision is getting blurry. I'm sweating like a possum in headlights. I puke into the nearest trash can, in front of my new boss.

Suffice to say, this was the worst panic attack I'd ever experienced. So when Stevie practically puked all over Iris, I was like, damn, she's so me.

I love the GAD rep in this book. Anxious girlies unite! And what's crazy about that first big panic attack that we see Stevie go through, is that it feels so real. I didn't notice we were even heading in that direction until it happened. That's exactly what anxiety is like for me. I don't notice my frantic thoughts or my racing heart until my body warms and I feel the vomit coming up my throat. The author has such a strong grasp on what it's like to have a panic attack that I almost had to wonder if she got inspiration from me (she didn't).

Let's talk about the spice. And no, I don't mean nutmeg. Iris Kelly Doesn't Date is sexy. Like blushing, covering my agape mouth, looking away from the screen sexy. I had to shield my screen from my cats for fear that their baby eyes would be exposed to such nasty smut, I mean that in the best way possible. I don't really read books for the smut though. It's fun and all, but I'm here for the romance damn it. I want to see this couple defy all odds to be together!

Ashley Herring Blake, I love you and your writing, but this book is too long, there are too many things happening, and there are too many characters. I get it, the fans want to see everyone from the previous books return. But I had a difficult time remembering who was who outside of the famed Delilah, Claire, Astrid, and Jordan. Everyone else was a blip to me. And between the play, the fake dating, the sex/romance lessons, the anxiety, the book writing, the New York, the Malibu trip and Adri stuff, there were just too many plots, none of which were fleshed out enough. Neither Stevie nor Iris really have the time to think and feel and take control over their stories because so much stuff is just happening to them. I like that in a YA adventure, but not so much in an adult romance. It was a lot to follow for me. I think if the author had cut some of these side plots down and fleshed out the others, it would've been a 5 star read for me. It's still 4 stars though!

Folks, this concludes my Goodreads reading challenge. I cannot believe I made it all the way to 52 books this year. At some points during 2023, I really didn't think I would make it all the way. But here we are, 52 whole books. I'm not done yet, though! I want to finish the PJO series before the year is up and maybe get through Chalice of the Gods. I have a couple library books available now too but had to delay those so I could finish this one. Keep an eye out for my best books of 2023 list soon!

#bookish #booklr #books #books & libraries #book quotes #new books #bookworm #book review #reader #reading #review #romance books #smut writing #bright falls #delilah green doesn't care #astrid parker doesn't fail #iris kelly doesn’t date #ashley herring blake #goodreads

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the-writing-trash-panda · 5 months

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You're Safe in My Arms

Pairing: Fishlegs x Heather

Words: 1203

Prompt: hugging

Genre: general

Time: after 2nd movie

The shores of Berk were covered with blood and ice, it was a horrific sight and if Heather hadn’t been exposed to the cruelties of the world at such a young age she probably would've felt sick seeing so many dead bodies. Both sides had lost many brave warriors but in the end, Drago and his Dragon Hunters were defeated. Heather pulled her axe out of her victim’s chest praying for the gods’ forgiveness as his blood splattered onto her face. Looking around she watched as Berkians and Berserkers either gathered together to celebrate or helped injured vikings to a healer. Clutching her axe closer to her chest she tried finding Dagur but it was getting increasingly difficult to see past the Berserkers that had swarmed her asking if she was okay and if she needed any help. She could feel the anxiety building up inside her but it quickly dissipated when she heard her brother’s deranged laugh, releasing an audible sigh the raven-haired female smiled at the other warriors reassuring them that she was fine. Despite the victory Heather still couldn’t feel entirely at peace, so many people had died or had been badly injured and there was no way of knowing if her friends were alright unless she went looking for them. Of course, she knew Hiccup and Toothless were fine, it was kind of hard to miss the night furry’s amazing display, but she hadn’t seen the others yet.

“Come on girl, let’s go find the others,” Heather said, running her hand along Windshear’s back before climbing onto her dragon.

Landing in the village she was immediately met with the twins and Snotlout running over to her asking who had the worst injuries whilst shoving their bloody and bruised arms in her face. Heather jerked back in surprise, nearly falling off of Windshear when she reared back, her growls making it clear she was irritated with the three Berkians.

“Hey! Will you three muttonheads give her a second to breathe,” Astrid yelled as she walked over to the group.

“You doing okay? I mean this wasn’t your guys’ battle but you still chose to come help us even with little information we gave you,” the blonde said, wiping away the blood coming from her nose.

“Yeah, Dagur and I are still alive. How is he doing, I heard about Stoick,” Heather replied looking over at Hiccup who was talking with Gobber and some women she didn’t recognize.

“He hasn’t really had the chance to think about it, none of us have. It’s definitely going to be difficult, and I just know he’s going to blame himself. But he’s got us behind him so I believe everything’s going to be okay.” Heather nodded in understanding, she knew how it felt to lose someone you love.

“Wait, where is Fishlegs? Wasn’t he with you guys,” Astrid asked, turning towards Snotlout. He glanced at the twins hoping they had an answer but they just shrugged their shoulders and went back to comparing cuts.

“Look, I’m sure he’s fine; he has a fire-breathing beast with him,” Snotlout said, arms crossed over his chest and an expression on his face that said ‘Please don’t make us do anything.’

“And what if they got separated,” Astrid retorted, glaring at the dark-haired man in front of her. She would never outright admit it but after Stoick died she was terrified of anyone else meeting the same fate. She guessed Snotlout felt the same way when he quickly gave in and started yelling at the others to go looking.

As the group flew over Berk there wasn’t much conversation so Heather had nothing to distract her from the nagging thoughts that something bad had happened. Astrid must have noticed because she moved Stormfly closer to Windshear and put a comforting hand on her friend’s shoulder. “He’s going to be okay Heather, he’s a dragon rider after all.” Heather gave the blonde a small smile before her attention was drawn to the sounds of a dragon growl and a human scream.

“Let’s land down there and continue on foot,” Astrid instructed, pointing to a clearing in the forest. The five rides walked towards the sound, their dragons following close behind.

“I swear if Fishface went and got himself into trouble I’m going to kill him,” Snotlout grumbled, his worry seeping into his voice.

“I thought we didn’t want him dead,” Tuffnut joked, but the others ignored him, not being in the mood for joking.

As they approached the sound they saw Meatlug standing on her hind legs while using her front ones to claw at a hunter who had climbed into a tree.

“Hey girl, I think he learned his lesson,” Heather said, walking over to the gronckle and petting her on the back. Meatlug went back down on all fours and began shaking with excitement as she nuzzled up to Heather before trying to nudge her deeper into the woods.

“I think Fishlegs needs help,” Ruffnut said matter of fact watching as Heather was pushed away by the frantic dragon though she didn’t make a move to help.

“Well what are you waiting for, follow her!” The others turned to look at Snotlout bewildered by his willingness to help. “What,” he asked, his face flushed from embarrassment.

Meatlug stopped by a tree where Heather Assumed the hunter had dropped his weapon taking notice of the spear on the ground. “Oh, hey Heather.” Looking up the berserker saw Fishlegs hanging upside down from one of the branches.

“What in Thor’s name happened,” Heather asked relieved that he was unharmed and honestly finding his situation a tad bit funny. Stifling her laughter Heather climbed up to where Fishlegs was stuck while he explained that Meatlug and he were following a hunter when he accidentally flew into the rope of an old swing and it tied around his leg.

“Alright brace for impact,” Heather said not giving the blond a chance to ask what she meant before he fell head-first onto the ground. Fishlegs was alerted to the presence of the others when he heard them laughing, he didn’t mind however to him that meant everyone was safe.

“You just had to make us worry didn’t you,” Snotlout teased punching his friend in the arm. Fishlegs smirked at the shorter man shoving him back. Heather smiled down at the display before jumping out of the tree and landing next to Astrid. As happy as she was she just couldn’t stop her mind from nagging her with the possibilities of a problem until she was able to wrap her arms around him and vice versa. Astrid gave her friend an understanding smile and nudged her toward the plump viking, “Go ahead, we won’t judge. Well, at least I won’t.”

Without a second thought, Heather ran into Fishlegs’ open arms, her added weight almost knocking him over but neither of them cared. Their arms tightened around each other, forgetting all their cares as they laughed and he picked her up, spinning her around.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” Heather whispered leaving a peppering of kisses along her boyfriend’s face. Pleasantly shocked when he responded with a small but passionate kiss on her lips.

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cadaceus · 3 years

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C2E141

One last time, y’all. This campaign and these characters have meant so much to me, and this seven hour finale was definitely an emotional rollercoaster. (Yes, I shed actual tears at one point, which rarely happens to me with media. But this is a special occasion.) These liveblogs are nearly as long as the episode itself, so grab a snack! With that being said, here are my very last liveblogs for Campaign 2 of Critical Role. As always, major spoilers below, so beware.

- Veth taking a level in Wizard, god I am really gonna cry ten minutes into this thing... 😭

- We got our first “stay with us” to Essek, I am emo...

- I was fully not expecting to say goodbye to Frumpkin, but now I’m on the verge of tears... farewell dear fey friend (Marisha saying “that wasn’t supposed to be what broke me” me too me too)

- “You’re a good person.” “I could be.” “You are.”

- “I think you’re a good person” I never thought that I’d hear Beau say that about Essek and this genuinely might be what breaks me... she thinks he’s a good person.... redemption is possible.... maybe love is real....

- If I end up crying over wizards, look away

- Jester lifting up Fjord’s arm to snuggle beneath it made me say “awww” out loud 🥺

- VETH GOING FOR A DIP IN THE POND, I AM GENUINELY SO PROUD OF HER

- “Aahhh!! It’s me! Your wife!” I am going to miss Jester’s sending so much

- Okay that accent bit was so funny, I am going to miss all of them so much

- REAL MOLLY IS BACK REAL MOLLY IS BACK REAL MOLLY IS BACK

- Oh but he doesn’t remember them... and Yasha is trying so hard to help him remember, it’s so so sweet

- Something about the way he said “Tealeaf’s nice” made me tear up... I was neutral on Mollymauk early campaign because I went into things knowing that he passed away, but this whole conversation with the Mighty Nein is So Much. Also “Kingsley Tealeaf”

- “Everyone should have a brother” as someone with three of them, I vouch for this 🥺

- a) I love Marion Lavorre (and Jester ofc!) so very much and b) I can’t believe that Jester’s parent trap actually worked??

- “I do not think Exandria is ready for how you’re going to change it” got to me... and it’s also so true. jester has already changed the world just by being kind.

- Good bye Marion... I love and will miss you so much! (And many thanks to Laura and Matt for creating an agoraphic single mother who raised a wonderful child <3)

- Beau and Jester teasing Marion for having a complicated relationship with Babenon reminds me of Caleb saying he has a complicated relationship with Essek...

- LEAVE CALEB ALON E FUOIKJLKGKNL

- THIS IS ....... SO MUCH WORSE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

- Caleb’s biggest trauma(s) coming back to haunt him, I am genuinely going to cry I’m not ready for this I’m not okay

- Beau saying to Jester “Thanks, cutie” I love themmmmm

- INITIATIVE AAGJASKHDKJ AAAAAHHHH

- Essek’s Gravity Sinkhole did nothing? uhhhhh Mr Stark...

- EADWULF???? HELLO?????

- Essek using his entire turn to save Caleb last battle 🤝 Caleb using his entire turn to save Essek this battle

- ASTRID???? I TRUSTED YOU??? WE ALL TRUSTED YOU????

- Another Counterspell chain sdfdghjkdl wizards !!!

- “It’s just business” is literally the Neutral Evil line, it always gives me chills when any character says it

- This hurts more after Liam confirming on Twitter that Astrid/Caleb/Eadwulf were all three a romantic item... please stop hurting Caleb, you loved him 😭

- THE FJORD VS EADWULF SWORD FIGHT IS SO CINEMATIC I LOVE IT HERE ACTUALLY

- Essek taking every opportunity to pull Caleb to safety makes me so emotional... 😭

- “You’re not the first student I’ve had to put down” I am burning with my anger for you, old man

- THE DISPEL WORKED LET’S GO CALEB.....

- Remember when Matt said that Essek doesn’t openly show concern/emotion? And now he’s saying “I’m scared” in front of his closest friends and his worst enemies.... growth my love.....

- BEAU AND VETH LETS GO CHAOS CREW LETS MF GO BABEYYYY!!!

- FJORD COUNTERSPELLING THE DIMENSION DOOR..... and Matt having him describe it.... is this taking the place of a “HDYWTDT” *eyes emoji*

- CALEB GOING DOWN NO, THANK GOD FOR THAT DEATH WARD

- Veth’s illusion of Caleb’s parents flanking Caleb in the flames.... that got me too, Liam

- “Stay down.” yeah, okay, that was sexy

- ASTRID BEING THE ONE TO ACTIVATE THE COLLAR IS LITERALLY POETIC JUSTICE... Trent being beaten by the student who stuck with him longest I love this so much, she deserved that moment honestly

- Break Time, AKA Emma Makes Her Weekly Mug Brownie Interlude

- Sometimes I feel like “death is too good for you” is a copout, but in this case it fits so well, I want this mf’s reputation destroyed and the entire operation exposed and overthrown let’s goooo

- “I loved you both so much”.... Astrid and Eadwulf walking away.... oh, Blumendrei... I know this is not the end of your story. What’s past is prologue, loves

- The Empire Siblings are gonna burn down the whole system because it’s the system that enables individual corruption... I am so fulfilled by this, god i love them

- “I love you too” OH MY GOD I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, FJORESTER ARE THE CUTEST FOR REAL

- Jester and Essek’s friendship still means so much to me btw just in case anyone wanted a check-in

- Veth giving the flask to Kingsley!! Good for her, good for her!

- OH Blumenduo are back already! I truly thought that was going to be their last appearance of the Campaign, why is this taking me more by surprise than Trent’s appearance

- “[Caleb] notes how similar Eadwulf and Fjord are” this is Widofjord adjacent... this episode we have gotten Widomauk-adjacent, Widojest-adjacent, and Widofjord-adjacent (and Blumentrio ofc), now come through Shadowgast and we can get a full Bingo on the “Bisexual Maelstrom” card

- Speaking of relationships, I am lowkey into the Fjord/Jester/Kingsley dynamic LOL no one look at me I’m in hiding

- I’M NOT READY TO SAY GOODBYE TO VETH AND CAD 😭 It makes sense and the fact that they have their families back is beautiful but also consider this: I’m sad and I will miss them

- The goodbyes to Caduceus..... I am going to cry aren’t I?

- “If he’s anything like his mom, you won’t see him until it’s too late” Okay that made me giggle, I love Veth and I love Luc and I love their little family

- IS ESSEK LEAVING TOO? THAT’S GONNA BE WHAT BREAKS ME ISN’T IT

- If Essek leaves and we never see him again, getting a triple whammy of goodbyes I will be so incredibly sad, I cannot do this 😭

- If anyone is interested, no I am not doing well

- I was lowkey ready to get an Essek’s feelings for Caleb confirmation tonight, I guess it makes sense that we didn’t but I hope that this is not the last time we see Essek... I want to write another emo post about him and about how much he means to me but I will refrain

- CALEB BEING A TEACHER IS THE ENDGAME I WANT FOR HIM PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

- Wow, I really was not ready to see Caduceus and Essek go for some reason... I really wanted this Campaign to end on the image of the Mighty Nein together as all nine of them... I’m feeling so numb right now having to say goodbye 😭

- Oh, we’re in the epilogue now!

- When Fjord said “[the sea] is my favorite place to be” I genuinely felt that on a spiritual level... the ocean is home, it truly is and always will be for me as well

- “I CAST MODIFY MEMORY” FJORD LMAOOOOOOO

- Okay, that Widobrave ending is what made me shed tears for the first time this episode... not to be Personal but my biological brother graduates High School tomorrow, and for some reason this conversation just reminded me so much of me and him and now I’m emotional

- NOT THE SYPHILIS BANDITS DSYUHDFJKLSFJ;DS OKAY I NEEDED THAT LAUGH

- “I’d like to hear about your friend” Kingsley aww

- Beau giving Kingsley her first diary to help him realize who they all are is actually so perfectly fitting, I love that!

- “The other eight and I, yes” Caleb counting all nine of them again 😭

- CALEB BEING OFFERED AN ASSEMBLY SEAT WTF AAAHHH

- Oh shit, Astrid took the Assembly seat... I’m not sure how I feel about this, I feel so bad for her for having to stay in the system that abused her for so long and I would have loved to see her burn the whole thing down, but I hope that she at least has a sense of contentment with this title

- “I go where you go, baby” Beauyasha.... my darling loves....

- Beau’s dad??? But also Beau being the one with power over her father is so Good, I’m glad that she got justice on that front as well!

- This talk with Artagan... “I didn’t want you to be a god. I wanted you to be my friend.” and in the process my love you created divinity... maybe divinity is the friends we made along the way

- OH SHIT WE ARE GETTING ALL THE VANDRAN LORE TONIGHT I’M READY LET’S GO LET’S GO

- VANDRAN AND AVANTIKA WERE AN ITEM???

- Wait crack theory: Sabian was a half elf right? Could he be the son of Vandren and Avantika? Or is that too much of a stretch?

- Vandran going with them!!! Also I feel like that moment between Fjord and Vandran was lowkey a tease to a post-campain Uk’otoa one shot and I am ready for it already

- THIS BEAUYASHA MOMENT... “i’ve never known anyone as deeply as i know you” & “explore every bit of you in multiple ways ;)” & “your past doesn’t scare me, it only makes you beautiful” .... this is so much they are so much i love them so much

- “I will have you and then some” Beauyasha 😭

- I’m torn between “oh my god there’s still half an hour left?” and “how is there only half an hour left??”

- “You will let this Skyspear live at least?” oh my god so Yasha killed the last Skyspear then? Oof...

- YASHA GIVING ZUALA(’S GRAVE) THE BOOK OF FLOWERS, OH DEAR HEART

- And Beau’s talk to Zuala about being the luckiest woman alive and sacrifice.... 😭

- PLANTING FLOWERS AT ZUALA’S GRAVE... “NO BETTER GRAVE MARKER” THIS IS MAKING ME SO EMOTIONAL, I KNOW I’VE SAID THIS A LOT THIS EPISODE BUT THIS TRULY IS SO BEAUTIFUL

- So... I may or may not be crying again

- Shadowgast with a steel chair??

- Caleb’s plan for saving his parents... it’s clear he has thought of this so much, oh my darling love 😭

- Caleb burning down his chance to change his past is so symbolic and something he really needed to do, it does make me emotional though

- The other book was him writing to his parents?? Oh bby boy 😭

- While I would have loved for Caleb to open his own magic school (especially with Essek, or the Mighty Nein, or someone else as well), I am so pleased that he stays with Veth and that their friendship continues for the rest of their life because again: they mean so so much to me, and in a way they remind me of me and my biological brother (which I never realized before this episode) and yeah. They just make me Emo

- Also. Caleb being a professor was my Number One Endgame Hope for him and the fact that it came true is just so surreal in the best way possible. I’m so used to being robbed of happy endings. The fact that the Mighty Nein all got theirs makes me incredibly happy. A story does not have to be sad to be impactful. Happy stories and happy endings, especially during a time period of tumultuous real life circumstances, have just as much value and meaning and they always will. Caleb is teaching the next generation magic, and he is teaching them to be Good, and he is nurturing them, and that just means so much

- MATT CRYING IS GONNA GET TO ME

- “Let’s do it again” Please, let’s.

- Okay, everyone. I made it all seven hours in one piece with surprisingly minimal tears (though who knows, this might all sink in tomorrow.) I already wrote my thoughts earlier today about how much the Mighty Nein mean to me and how much this show and these characters have kept me holding on during quarantine and today... I’m still not ready to let them go, but I know that I can always revisit to say hello and to say thank you for changing me. Until then though... I love you all more than you could ever know. And for the last time of Campaign 2... is it Thursday yet?

Good night 💗

#cr spoilers #critical role spoilers #c2e141 #critical role #my liveblogs #cr2 #i genuinely can't believe this is the end y'all... what a journey. what a freaking journey 💗#to anyone who has ever interacted with even one of my liveblogs: i love you and i think about you every damn day dfghjkflf #it makes me Emo knowing that i'm not just speaking to the void and that there are ppl out there listening etc #also this liveblog was TWO THOUSAND WORDS LONG i checked it in a google doc sgdhjkdl #so if you made it through all that you may be entitled to financial compensation #but in all seriousness: i love you mighty nein. and thank you for everything.#is it thursday yet?#queue #(i always queue these for the mornings dgfhjk!)#and yes i WILL be liveblogging campaign 3 #also mayhaps this hiatus will be time for me to catch up with vox machina?

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iatethepomegranate · 3 years

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Just a post-Aeor fic where Caleb buys a house with Beau and Yasha in Rexxentrum, becomes a professor, and learns how to be a person and protect people from what he has endured.

Content warnings: Caleb's backstory (a lot of it)

Chapter summary: Caleb's mind was in overdrive. There were so many calls to make, so many spells to prepare, so many things that could go wrong at every stage of this delicate operation, so many plans and backup plans and backup plans for backup plans. He could not let the past repeat itself.

Chapter notes: Say hello to a major plot arc. Also, I did my best to figure out a vague layout of the relevant parts of Rexxentrum but I am bad with directions, so *finger guns*

Chapter title from Eight by Sleeping At Last.

****

Chapter 6: I’m just a kid who grew up scared enough to hold the door shut and bury my innocence

Caleb’s scars itched as he headed home from the Academy, mind buzzing uncomfortably. His hands were somehow steady as he messaged Beauregard.

“Beauregard. I had an unsettling conversation with Astrid and Wulf. Two Volstrucker students are missing. Felix and Nicolaus. Evocation wizards. May have self-orphan orders.” He realised belatedly that he had forgotten to ask Astrid for a description. Also, he hoped Beauregard never told anyone he had used the term self-orphan. He’d made himself a little queasy in his haste to keep to the word limit.

“I’ll make sure the Soul keeps an eye out. And I’ll get a description from Astrid in the morning. Get over here. Dinner’s ready.”

Beau and Yasha kept the conversation flowing over dinner, absolving Caleb of that social responsibility. He felt useless, sitting here while there were two boys out there somewhere, who were possibly in the process of deciding whether or not to kill their parents based on an implanted memory of treason. If they weren’t found in time, Caleb wasn’t sure he could ever forgive himself.

The two women hugged him goodnight after dinner, and he shook so hard he feared he would collapse. Yasha held onto him a little longer than she had probably planned, while Beauregard stepped back to take a look at him.

“Caleb.” She had that tone, the one what told him he looked like shit but she was trying not to freak him out. “Maybe you should take a spare room on this side tonight.”

“I’m all right, Beauregard.” He knew he sounded ridiculous. “Hear me out. Please.” Beauregard tilted her head in a silent challenge. “I need to think. I need to process this. I need to come up with plans for every possible outcome. And I may need to make some calls.”

“Do you want to talk it out?”

“I would like to be alone. Just for tonight. We will talk tomorrow.”

Beauregard looked for a moment like she was going to argue, and then she quite intentionally relaxed her shoulders. “Okay. You’ll tell us if you need anything, right?”

“Ja, of course.”

Yasha gave him one last squeeze. “We mean it. Anything.”

“I know. Danke.”

Caleb escaped to his bedroom. He forced himself to slow down a bit, take deep breaths, and get dressed for bed. He settled under the covers, slowly circling his palm over the quilt and feeling the different animal patterns. He’d already committed them to memory. But, on a night like this, it helped to know that what he thought was reality before was still reality now.

What a fucking mess. Before he could get too deep into his head, he messaged Caduceus.

“Hallo, Caduceus. Two of Trent’s students are missing. We suspect memories may have been modified. If we locate them, are you available to help us?”

There was a short pause; Caduceus was probably weighing his response, aware that he would not be able to track the wordcount once he began to speak. “Of course. Let me know when I’m needed. If you could spare a teleport, that would be great.”

Caleb cast the spell again. “I will give you a head’s up when I need you and then grab you from the Grove. Danke. Today has been… a lot.”

“Get some rest, Caleb. I left some sleepy tea in your kitchen if you need it. I’ll be here when you need me.”

That was one problem handled. Caleb burned through another Sending.

“Astrid, Caduceus is on call to correct any memory modification. Beauregard will be in touch with you tomorrow to get their descriptions.”

“Danke. I will ensure the Cobalt Soul is adequately informed. Now go to bed.”

Caleb let him feel her unspoken concern for him, just for a moment. Maybe one day they could be friends again. He curled up beneath the covers and closed his eyes. He would have to ensure he packed Counterspell and Sending every day. Perhaps Hold Person would also be useful. Control Flames would also not go amiss, just in case. And Expeditious Retreat or Fly would be useful in case time was of the essence at any point. Suggestion could be useful if they had the chance to talk. Running through spells he should prepare made him feel a bit better about how little control he had over this.

He was still losing his mind a little bit.

“Caleb,” came Essek’s voice, pumping air into Caleb's lungs. “Apologies. I meant to message earlier. I’m safe. Saved a child’s pet cat from a tree. He hugged me. Strange. How was your day?”

“Intense.” Caleb wasn’t sure how much to say, and he would definitely have to burn more spells to go into any detail. “Astrid promised to find a venue for the ex-Volstrucker support group. Two boys are unaccounted for. We are concerned. They are… almost graduates.”

Before Caleb could decide whether to say more, Essek Sent again. “Are you all right? Can I help with anything?”

“Not right now. We will… see how this pans out. They’re from Blumenthal, and I didn’t hear anything when I was there. May have time.” Caleb burnt another of his own spells before Essek did. “I have Caduceus on standby and Beauregard will talk to the Soul tomorrow. We may have a chance. I hope.”

“I will come in a heartbeat if you need me. Keep me updated. Get some rest if you can. Goodnight. You are in my thoughts.”

It helped, just a bit. Caleb still tossed and turned for a while, unable to turn his brain off. But things were… maybe they were manageable. He had half a mind to take himself to Blumenthal tomorrow, find out where the boys’ parents lived and get them somewhere safe. Or maybe he could… no, they would not handle a stranger showing up at their door in the dead of the night very well.

****

Astrid came to the house the following morning, with sketches for Beauregard to distribute to the Cobalt Soul. It was odd to sit on the couch with her. Like friends would.

“Eadwulf is in the city with the Volstrucker we could mobilise,” she said. “If either of them come to Rexxentrum, between us and the monks, we will find them. I spoke to my guard contact; the families are okay.”

“Have we considered evacuating them?” asked Caleb. The thought had kept him up for a long time last night. Maybe it was the best option.

There was a flicker of discomfort across Astrid’s face for the barest of seconds. “I don’t trust the Crownsguard to handle a delicate mission like that. It would be up to us. Or perhaps the Soul, but I’m already stretching our relationship with them.”

“Yudala Fon knows the stakes,” said Caleb. “If you are not comfortable visiting Blumenthal yourself…”

“Are you?”

“I have been once. I can bear it again to save half a dozen lives.”

They both knew it wasn’t just the parents whose lives were in danger. If Felix and Nicolaus followed through on this and were not stopped…

Well, Caleb had lost eleven years, and then another six running and running and running. Astrid and Wulf had lost their freedom as well. And Caleb could not even begin to comprehend the special kind of pain it would bring these boys if they murdered their parents only to discover Trent had been in prison for weeks, his crimes exposed, his orders no longer in effect. Caleb wasn’t sure he could have survived that.

Astrid must have understood what Caleb was feeling, because she spoke gently. “It is an option. We could also leave them in place under guard to draw the boys out.”

“I would rather not.” Caleb could already conjure a dozen scenarios in which that could go horribly wrong. “Astrid, we cannot fuck this up. You and I both know these boys could overpower a Crownsguard, or sneak past a security detail. No risks. We have to move the families.”

Astrid opened her mouth to respond, and then paused, eyes drifting upwards in concentration. “Thanks, Wulf. Do not engage. Herd him towards us if you can. We will be there shortly.” She focused back on Caleb. “Felix is in the city. Eadwulf is trailing him. They are approaching from the south.” She hopped to her feet, and helped Caleb up. “Shall we?”

As they raced out the door, Caleb messaged Beauregard. “Felix has been spotted. Approaching The Tangles from the south. Wulf is trailing. We are headed to intercept. Could use a hand.”

“I’m in the Court of Colours, southwest of your position. I’ll link up with Eadwulf. Will get the monks to surround. We got this.”

“Beauregard is southwest of us,” Caleb told Astrid. “She’ll try to find Wulf and have the monks form a perimeter.”

“We only have one shot with Felix,” Astrid muttered. “This could make or break everything. No fuckups?”

“No fuckups.”

They ran.

As they drew closer to the suspected middle point, Caleb shot a quick message to Wulf. “We are close to the midpoint. Turning invisible now.” He grabbed Astrid’s hand, hiding them both from view.

Wulf’s response was a whisper. “Slowing down. I think he knows I’m here, but hasn’t done anything yet.”

Caleb was grateful most seventeen-year-old wizards had not yet figured out teleportation. He and Astrid also slowed, still hand-in-hand.

“We try to talk to him before we do anything aggressive,” Astrid whispered. “Get us close.”

“Worst case scenario, Beauregard stuns him and Wulf carries him somewhere we can have a secure conversation. I can try casting Suggestion if necessary, before we do anything to freak him out.”

They turned a corner and Caleb spotted the boy in a crowd of people carrying baskets and cloths and the like, probably headed to market. Felix was slim and blonde, and looked like he hadn’t slept in a few days. His shoulders were tight. The pair stayed ahead of him. Caleb spotted the instant Felix started getting a little too nervous, his eyes darting backwards for the barest of moments, towards Eadwulf, buried even as he was in the crowd.

Caleb tugged Astrid’s hand towards an alley before letting go and stepping into it, hoping he had read this right. Felix also turned into the alley, putting his back to the wall of a nearby inn, raising a hand to prepare a spell. Caleb recognised the somatic components of Scorching Ray. He prepared to counter it.

As soon as Wulf emerged, Felix tried to release the spell, and Caleb counterspelled, losing his invisibility.

Felix shook out his hands, still focused on Wulf. “Why are you following me, Eadwulf?”

Wulf raised an eyebrow. “Did you consider asking that before trying to set me on fire?”

Felix’s eyes narrowed, and Caleb wondered if Trent had tried to drive a wedge between the Volstruck, and Astrid and Wulf.

Astrid dropped her invisibility, appearing next to Wulf. “Felix, what’s the matter? Are you well?”

Her emergence did not calm Felix in the slightest. “Am I--” He scoffed. “Are you kidding?”

“We have been looking for you for weeks,” she said. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I have a mission to complete.”

Caleb considered recasting his invisibility, but the spell required verbal and somatic components. He just had to hold still and hope Astrid and Wulf commanded Felix’s attention until Caleb figured out what to do.

“Felix, you have been gone from the city for a long time,” said Astrid, and Caleb slowly reached for his component pouch. “Things have changed. Your mission, whatever it is, may no longer be viable.”

“We need to take you back to the Candles,” said Wulf.

Caleb felt his snake’s tongue and a piece of honeycomb, and began to slowly extract them from his pouch.

Felix didn’t move. “Why?”

Astrid glanced at Wulf, before evidently deciding on a course of action. “Trent has been arrested. We are trying to gather the Volstrucker so we can explain the charges against him.”

“That makes no sense.”

“Felix, what did he ask you to do?”

“It’s confidential.”

Caleb had the materials in his hand, so he rubbed the honeycomb against his lip, and spoke. “Felix, we are here to help you, but we need you to help us. Could we please have an honest conversation with each other?”

There was a moment where Caleb feared Felix would resist the Suggestion spell, and that Beauregard would have to swoop in and stun him. Felix turned to him, head cocked.

“Okay,” he said slowly. “You are Bren, right? Trent talks about you a lot.” He glanced at Astrid and Wulf. “He seemed worried the three of you were scheming behind his back.”

“Let’s head to his old office, ja? We have a lot to talk about. We will answer your questions, if you answer ours.”

“All right. Lead on.”

Caleb could not fucking believe that had worked. Judging from Astrid and Eadwulf’s brief but clearly shocked glances in his direction, they couldn’t believe it either.

****

Caleb couldn’t risk sending a message to Beauregard explaining what had happened, but she seemed to get the sense she shouldn’t reveal herself. Caleb led Felix through the city to the Academy, and up to Astrid’s office. They sat him in front of the fireplace.

Caleb crouched in front of him while Astrid stood by the fire, and Wulf leaned by the door. “Thank you for cooperating, Felix. Give me one moment. I need to message a friend who is going to help us.” He cast Sending. “Caduceus. We will need you in a moment.”

“I’m ready when you are.”

“I’ll go,” said Eadwulf. “Be right back.” With a muttered incantation, he had vanished.

“Where is he going?” asked Felix.

“To fetch a cleric friend of mine,” Caleb replied. “You look tired. Are you well?”

“Had a lot on my mind, I guess. Sleeping has been difficult.”

“I know the feeling.” Caleb looked to Astrid. “We should explain the situation, ja?”

“Why was Trent arrested?” asked Felix.

“A number of Volstrucker spoke with the Cobalt Soul about his training methods,” Astrid replied. “They documented it and took him to court. He’s in prison for life.”

Felix frowned. “I’m confused.”

Caleb should have expected Felix probably wouldn’t understand Trent’s behaviour as abuse; Caleb hadn’t either. “Felix, I would like you to listen to me.” He rolled up his sleeves so Felix could see the scars, which he was certain Felix shared. “A good teacher does not force his students to endure what we have.”

“We will face worse every day in our work,” Felix replied. “The pain… it makes us stronger.”

“And the residuum experiments? With no pain mitigation? I know people who have passed out in the process. Has that happened to you?”

“Once or twice,” Felix muttered, evidently still under the effects of the spell. “Puked more often.”

“Me too,” said Caleb, resisting the urge to scratch his itching scars. “It made me very ill most of the time. Astrid and Eadwulf had to force me to eat.”

“Why are you telling me this? Why are you asking me these questions?”

Astrid was gazing into the flames. “Felix, how old were you when Trent first hurt you?”

“Sixteen.”

Astrid managed to look at Caleb, just for a moment. “The same for him.” Astrid was a year older so it made sense to invoke Caleb instead, and maybe it was easier for her to project these things onto him.

Wulf popped back into the office, with the very welcome form of Caduceus beside him. Felix jumped, but Caleb had told him what was happening, and that seemed to be enough to stop him from bolting.

“Hallo, Caduceus,” said Caleb. “Can you give us just one more moment?” He turned back to Felix. “I’m going to have my friend Caduceus take a look at you and make sure you are well, but I would like to ask you a question first.”

“Fine.”

“What has Trent ordered you to do?”

Felix dropped his gaze to his lap. “My mother and father are plotting to betray the Empire. I have been asked to stop them.”

“That must have been weeks ago,” said Caleb. “What’s the matter?”

Felix scowled, and tried several times to supply an answer, as he was required to be honest while under the effects of Caleb’s specifically-worded spell. “I don’t know. They are not the people I thought they were. They are traitors. But. It’s not… I don’t know what to do. I’ve been waiting for Trent to give me more information, but I haven’t heard anything. I guess I was trying to figure out if there was a way I could convince them to…” He shook his head. “No. There is no mercy for traitors to the Empire.”

“I am sorry to hear that,” said Caleb. “It must be very difficult. May Caduceus take a look at you? You have clearly been under a great deal of stress.”

Felix had probably never seen a firbolg before, and he eyed Caduceus with trepidation. “What is he going to do?”

“It’s all right,” said Astrid. “He is a healer. The three of us have spent time in his family’s garden.”

“I… suppose…”

Caduceus approached slowly. “This will be quick, I promise. Just a healing spell to make you feel a bit better.” He already had the diamond dust for Greater Restoration in his palm. He touched Felix’s shoulder. It took a second for the spell to sink in, during which Caleb couldn’t breathe.

Then Felix slid to the floor, head in his hands. Astrid knelt beside him, whispering too quietly for Caleb to hear.

“One down,” Caduceus said softly, smiling at Caleb. “One to go.”

Caleb couldn’t speak. He watched Felix curl up on the floor, muttering to Astrid. She looked up at him, beckoned him over. Caleb knelt by her side.

“I don’t understand,” Felix said. “Why? Why? I don’t…” He shoved his fist against his mouth and screamed into it, eyes squeezed shut. “Why would he do this?”

There were a lot of things Caleb could say; he was not convinced any of them were right. But he had to say something. “He’s done this to all of us. Every Volstrucker went through this to graduate.”

“He does it for a few reasons,” Astrid said, quiet but somewhat detached. “It eliminates any family connections, leaving us reliant on Trent. And then, we’ve done the worst thing we thought we could do. Anything Trent has us do after that means very little. And those who break…” She looked at Caleb. “They are held up as an example of failure that we are measured against. We all know Bren’s name for a reason. First, as an example of failure, of weakness. Later, an example of endurance, of admirable but problematic stubbornness. A cautionary tale nonetheless.”

Felix looked to Caleb as well. “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this information?”

Caleb wanted to comfort him, but didn’t know what Felix would tolerate, and there was a pressing matter. “First things first, we need to find Nicolaus.”

Felix drew his knees up to his chest and hid his face against them. “I don’t know where he is. We argued and then we went our separate ways.”

“What did you argue about?”

“I wanted to come here and find Trent. Ask about the order. See if there was anything we could… I don’t know.”

“And what did he want?”

“Nico doesn’t know what he wants. He was always more scared of Trent than I am.”

“Okay, we have ways to track him down. Caduceus, can you scry today?”

“I can,” Caduceus said slowly. “Might I also recommend, if Mr Felix knows the spell, that he should try Sending to him.”

“I don’t know that spell,” Felix said thickly. Caleb would just make out the side of his face, to see it was screwed up as if in pain.

“I can teach you,” said Caleb, “but I suspect it will take more time than we have right now.” Sending was an Evocation spell, so it would probably only take Felix three hours instead of six to copy it into his spellbook and practice it until he could do it, but that was still too long.

Caduceus sat cross-legged on the floor. “Do you have anything of his? Or a likeness?”

Wulf handed him a sketch. “Does this help?”

“Yes. Thank you.” Caduceus closed his eyes and began the ritual.

“I can try messaging Nico,” Astrid said, gripping her copper wire. “Nicolaus. It’s Astrid. I must meet with you in Trent’s office. It’s an urgent matter.” She waited, scowled. “Nothing.”

Caleb refused to panic, no matter how bad that sounded. “Okay. Good to know.”

Felix lifted his head. “What if we’re too late?”

“We don’t know that yet,” said Caleb. “Whatever happens, we will deal with it.”

Felix frowned at the floor. “What happens to me now?”

“We can take you home to your parents once we’ve got an idea of Nico’s situation,” said Caleb. “Unless you need more time.”

“Just a bit. I think. But I’d like to see them. Not today.”

“There is plenty of dormitory space for however long you need,” said Astrid. “Bren will visit you regularly once you are with your parents, to check in.” Felix nodded. That had not been discussed, but it was something that Caleb would want to do, so he let it slide.

The ten minutes it took for Caduceus to complete the spell were some of the longest of Caleb’s life. But then Caduceus’s eyes went white, and it seemed to be working.

Caduceus began to narrate what I saw. “I see your boy. He’s in a field. The clouds are pretty dark. It’s hard to see much. I think I see some buildings ahead of him. I’ll follow him for a bit.”

There was a sick feeling in the pit of Caleb’s stomach. “We should be ready, just in case.”

Astrid’s fingers weaved around the wire. “Expositor, are you close by? We may need your assistance. Come to my office on the--ugh, just ask for directions.” She listened. “Expositor Lionett is outside the Academy. She will be here soon.”

Caduceus spoke again. “He is approaching the village. Not many people in the streets. Probably the incoming storm. He looks like he has a goal.”

“What can you see of the buildings?” asked Caleb. “Any signs?”

“The signs are Zemnian,” said Caduceus. “The buildings look like farmhouses, mostly. I think I saw an orchard.”

“Blumenthal is a farming town,” Caleb muttered. “Fuck.”

Beauregard burst through the door, gasping for breath. “I’m here!” She doubled over, hands on her knees, as she sucked in air.

“Get ready to move,” said Wulf, stony-faced. “It looks bad.”

“Shit.” She gulped in another breath. “Okay.”

Caleb felt a little better now that she was here, but he was wound too tight to process it. “Caduceus. Is there anything else?”

“He’s picking up speed. Turned a corner. Looking at a house in the distance, I think.”

Caleb did not let himself feel anything. He turned to Felix. “Felix, do you know where Nico’s parents live?”

“On the northeastern edge of town.” Felix’s voice was as tense as Caleb. “Look for the cabbages.”

“Danke.” He squeezed Felix’s shoulder and pushed himself to his feet. “We need to go.”

Caduceus was still in the vision. “Go on ahead. I’ll stay here with Felix. If I see anything I think is useful, I will Send. But it will break the scry.”

Caleb gathered Astrid, Wulf and Beauregard around him and cast teleport, aiming for the northeastern end of Blumenthal. He knew it well, once.