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#you want me to sympathize with the guy whos trying to cheat on his sexy hilarious wife who would turn anyone who was mean to her
magician-kitty · 1 year
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Red Son x MK x Nezha x Macaque x GN!Reader
Context: They make you mad and they suffer for what’s coming. 😌
(P.S. you might hear some ghetto talking)
Macaque🌙
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You couldn’t see what the problem was, you couldn’t see why he was upset. Recently you met Sun, The Monkey King himself and surprisingly he’s a swell guy; a little too flamboyant but a swell guy.
Too bad a certain boyfriend was too less than thrilled about his girl getting “buddy-buddy” with that guy.
“I don’t see what the big deal is, I mean Sun didn’t seem all that bad.” You watched as Macaque paced back in forth in anger.
“It does matter, you’re my girl and i want it to stay that way. Wukong is the type of guy who does whatever he wants with no regard for others!”
You sigh and rubbed a migraine that was coming. You were fully awake of their history together and while you completely sympathized with him, don’t you think it’s time he’d let that (Beep) go.
“Baby, don’t you think….That it’s time to let it go? It’s been, I dunno centuries? Surely-“ you were cut off by Macaque.
“Oh, I see. Of course you’d take his side. Everyone always takes his side. Monkey King this, Monkey King that, I thought my girlfriend all of people would support me but Nooo; you just have to be-“
Uh oh, he just set a bomb off. In 3….2….1…💥
(SLAP!)
You’re hand was stinging from the bitch slap you just gave to the shadow simian. No this bitch, did not just implied you were cheating!? Nuh-uh, you weren’t having it.
“Okay Macaroni, I’m gonna ignore all of that all because you’re angry and clearly not thinking straight. So I’m gonna bounce, and when you’ve calm down, give me a call. Bye baby” And just like that, you were gone.
Later on you were welcomed by a mount of flowers and small trinkets, his way of saying he’s sorry I guess.
“Sugarplum, I’m really sorry. I just- I mean- you’re my everything and I don’t want to-“ you hushed him and pulled him into your arms, gently combing your fingers through his silky fur.
“It’s okay baby, all is good. Just remember that I’m always gonna be here for you, always. But don’t you ever accuse me of something like that again, or else I’ll (Beep) your (Beep) straight up ‘til Sunday.
Oh damn, to him you’re so damn sexy when you’re mad! 🥰
Nezha🪷
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You knew the consequences of dating royalty, and said royalty just happened to the Lotus Prince himself.
You loved Nezha, you really do. But sometimes….Ugh!😤 You couldn’t take it with his possessiveness, not to mention his overprotective nature. You can’t seem to go anywhere without tight supervision and you were starting to get sick and tired of it.
“Nezha, my love. You know I’ve never questioned you before but…This is ridiculous man! I can’t go anywhere without you scrutinizing me. I-I feel smothered. I am fully capable of looking after myself!”
“No, I insist on this. You have no idea of the constant dangers of the celestial world. Countless demons will try to find you because of your, purity and they will-“
You couldn’t take it anymore, you grabbed him by the shirt(or whatever he’s wearing) and looked him dead in his face. “You listen to me and listen good: I will not be treated as some mere fragile object and be cooped up in here forever. If you refuse to listen to me, then I shall take my leave.”
You turned to leave his castle, despite his pleas, you just needed some space right now, that’s all. You went to favorite hiding place and decided to mess around on your favorite instrument(flute for right now)
youtube
As you were too caught up in the melody, you failed to notice that Nezha had found you and was listening to your song.
“You always did had the most amazing music in the world, my love. (Sigh) I…I wish to apologize, I never mean’t for you to feel as if you were nothing but a fragile thing. I care deeply about you and-and the thought of loosing you just-“
Aww, now he’s crying 😢
Damn it, you couldn’t stay mad at him, you offered your hand gesturing him to come sit with you, you lay him down as his head rested on your lap. “It’s fine, my sweet prince. All is forgiven, just remember I want to be there by your side by any means necessary, even if that means I have to fight every demon in my way.
He sighed as he relaxed in your lap. “Your words are so precious to me. Could you carry on with your music, please?”
Red Son🔥🌶️
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What is this guy’s problem, seriously it’s not like this ain’t happened before?
Your sweetheart, Red Son has suffered another humiliating defeat from “Noodle Boy” as he called him and he’s fuming in anger, literally.
“Sweetie calm down before you set something on fire-“
“I can’t! I need to be able to defeat him. He’s my enemy and that way I can finally show my father I can be of use to him. I figured you of all people would appreciate it if you’d at l least li-
Nope, no way in hell he’s gonna finish that sentence. You warned him what would happen if he called you a “Peasant” again.
So you’d grabbed him by the family jewels 💎
“Baby, I know you’re upset and you have my undying support, but don’t ever call me “Peasant” again, okay?”
(Whimpering) “Y-yes my dear, whatever you wish.”
You giggled and gives him a big smooch on the cheek. You can’t stay mad at your little firecracker.
MK🍜
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It’s another day of The Great Wall Race, and you were aiming to win. And you were hoping to get some support from your baby Sokk- (Ahem, wrong fandom) MK! Your baby, MK.
But instead, he decided to race against you. Ain’t that a (Beep)
“Hey sweetie, hope you don’t mind if I race with you, is that okay!?” 😄
Okay, now he’s gonna get it. First, he’s got no clue what he’s doing and frankly, he’s going to get himself killed.
Makes things even worse since that whiny (Bleep) Red Son and his family are too!
In the end MK and Mei won the race and won the trophy. You laughed your ass off when MK thought he won the actual peach of immortality.
“Haha-haha! Looks like things didn’t go your way Huh, MK”
“Yeah, look babe I’m, I’m sorry about the whole thing. You’re the racer and I’m not. That’s why I love you too much.”
You whimpered and pulled him into a bone crushing hug, you love this boy too damn much.
(Well that’s it, I was gonna add Sun to this but didn’t really felt like it.)
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kittycataes · 3 years
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Tier Ranking “Friends” Characters (Part 1/3)
This is going to be an extremely long post haha
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Let’s start at the bottom- 
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“Whomst”: is characters that I couldn’t really recognize right away. Like maybe I remember that character’s story arc, but that doesn’t mean I feel any certain way about them. FORGETTABLE. WHOMST? NEXT!
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“i hate you”: these are characters I have such negative feels for, they deserve something worse than an F.  -  Starting off with Dr. Geller himself. There’s so much misogyny in this man... if it weren’t for David Schwimmer’s excellent facial expressions and hilarious slapstick comedy, I would’ve made a separate row for him to be exiled forever. However David Schwimmer is a great actor and we stan his acting choices. -  Next is Dr. Greene, Rachel’s dad. I hate men who force their power over others through loud, aggressive, intimidation that reeks with the threat of violence. And this mother fucker does all those things on top of openly ridiculing his daughter.  -  Barry the orthodonist. He’s a snake for cheating on Rachel with Mindy. And he’s a snake squared for then cheating on Mindy with Rachel.  -  Cop character... Whose name I forget. ACAB, you creep. Stop using your access of information as a tool for strong-arming women into dating you. -  Rachel’s sister. She’s just stupid and vain and annoying, and extremely disrespectful.  - That Angry Guy. *See Dr. Greene notes* - Kip. This guy is creepy too... He like stalks Joey and is just overall very weird. - Ben. I love the Sprouse twins. But I did not care for Ben becoming a character on the show.  - Alec Baldwin/Positive Guy. I hate him becuase I think he was a stupid character but I don’t hate him as much as I hate the angry characters for sure, he’s just a dude high on life. - Chandler’s boss. I don’t like that he slaps his employees on the butt. I don’t care if they like it. It’s weird. I wish we could all just hi-five or hug normally 😂
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“i wish we saw more of u”: these are characters I thought were really interesting and maybe they were in a few episodes, but they didn’t really get their own story arc with the gang. And while I do like them, there’s nothing spectacular about them.  -  Hot but messy bug Lady. I loved this character and I wish she had an arc with Ross about teaching him how to compromise more and grow together a bit. She was so pretty and funny, I wish they let her stick around. - Rachel’s mom. I loved this lady. I love that she divorced Rachel’s awful dad, and she seems like a fun-loving gal! I wish the best for her. And I wish we got a few more episodes of her, so we could see her living her best single life.
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“LIFE CHANGING”: these characters are recurring/one-off characters who really buttered my breadroll. I feel like each of these characters helped shape me in someway, even if it’s just a little! -  Joanna, Rachel’s boss at Bloomingdales. This is the only character from my childhood/adolescence that I remeber being a Boss Lady who was independent, but still flawed and silly and goofy and sexy. This was my first view of what kinky sex could look like and it intrigued me and aroused me terribly. To this day I love office and bondage scenes! -  Susan, Carol’s Lesbian lover and hot-wife extradornaire. When I was younger and still believed Ross was a redeemable character (read: my critical thinking skills hadn’t start yet developing) I didn’t like Susan and her condescending tone. Now, I love her for making fun of Ross in a way that still manages to be respectful to her son’s Father, but points out his obvious prejudice. You could say she puts Ross in his place, and is kind of a ball-buster. I love that attitude and I find her extremely attractive <3  - Kathy, Joey and Chandler’s ex-girlfriend. From the moment I laid eyes on Paget Brewster, I knew I wasn’t 100% straight. I deeply deeply sympathized with Chandler falling in love with her, and the scene where she cuts his hair is so iconic- the actors’ chemistry is palpable!  - Julie, Ross’s ex-girlfriend. I love Julie first and foremost for existing. A pretty, smart, and likeable Asian American girl. I felt she had such strong big-sister energy when I was little, and I liked that even though Rachel didn’t like her (and she kinda knew) it didn’t shake her confidence. She had that difficult convo with such grace and maturity, it ws refreshing to see after so many episodes of immature Ross/Rachel shenanigans. - Janine, Joey’s ex-roommate. Janine was cool and nice, and she was so effortlessly glamorous. I liked that she was a kind character, who never judged Joey or belittled him. And through Joey I felt I was able to have an outlet for my growing realization that I wasn’t straight. - Chandler’s dad, the drag queen. This was one of my first exposures to drag, and I loved how composed/poised Chandler’s dad was even when it was clear his son and ex-wife disproved of her life choices. Also Chandler’s dad was played by a woman and therefore I headcanon her to be trans :3c -  Dr. Richard Burke. Tom Selleck is arguably one of, if not, the most beautiful man in the world. That plus his character was so sweet and silly and loving, and he treated Monica right and respected her relationship with Chandler. And I just loved their story arc, especially when they try to get back together the second time. I LIVE for the YEARNING in that arc. Great performances from Selleck and Cox ❤️ - Paul Stevens, the love machine. God. This character/arc is so stupid haha. I feel like you can tell Friends as a show has been going off the rails and at this point, it’s very clear. Like Ross fucking a student who also happens to be Rachel’s boyfriend’s daughter? Crazy. He’s mainly up here because of the silly mirror dance he does, I just love that. - Pete Becker, Iron-man in training. Before all the UFC stuff made him kinda go nuts, I really liked Pete. I liked how he was successful, impressive, focused, determined, etc. etc. I kinda wanted to be him when I grew up- just a laid-back baller travelling overseas on a whim and following his wildest dream. A more modern look on Pete reveals more problematic issues, but name one Friends character that isn’t problematic haha.
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winterschild999 · 6 years
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The End (2/2)
PAIRING - AVENGERS X READER
WORDS- 1.7K
WARNINGS- ANGST , DEATH,SUICIDE(don't read them if you aren't comfortable.pls) 
A/N - SORRY 
PART 1 
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As you said,it wasn’t your fault. What you did as a kid until the age of 18 was what they made you do . You were captured by Hydra when you were a little girl only and were let to believe that everything you were doing,torturing people,killing people,were all for the greater good since you were doing it to the bad people that are corrupting the world. But oh how wrong were you . And the day you realised that ,you knew you had to get out .You couldn’t continue doing this knowing you were doing it to innocent lives . That have done nothing in their lives to deserve such horrible faith. And you were caught so many times trying to get out . And as a result they tortured you .But you didn’t lose hope because you knew that you still had a long life to right all the wrong you had done .Or at least try to . So you tried to escape again and again.And one final day you succeeded. The first thing you did was erase your real identity and make a new one .You knew people wouldn’t accept you for who you were even if you told them that you had changed. And honestly,you wouldn’t blame them .You wouldn’t trust yourselves too . So you had a new name,a new life to do good. And with the powers you had you knew you could do a lot of god. And that was how you were caught on the avengers radar. And soon enough you were part of their team doing your part to make this world  a better place ridding of all the filth that threatened to destroy it . 
It was all good until Nat found out  about your past and the shit show started. She told Steve,which led to Bucky knowing and as a result you were thrown in prison without even a chance to explain yourself. Bucky seemed to be doing good in this world with a lot of people accepting his place as an avenger then why couldn’t they do that with you . You weren’t brainwashed as he was but you were still under the impression that you were doing good. You though  Steve Rogers of all people would sympathise with you and give you another chance. But he didn’t. You thought Bucky would understand since he went through the same thing that you had but rather he thought you were working for them planning to bring the Winter Soldier back . Is that all he thought of you after being with you for this long. You hoped he would trust you but he didn’t. The look of disgust that graced his features made it quite evident that he was disappointed and felt cheated. You begged for the first few days to speak with Bucky or Steve or just anyone so they would understand and listen that you were no more hydra and you joined the avengers to truly do something good and to get away from that life. But he never came and neither did the rest of the avengers that you had come to accept as your family. 
It hurt . It hurt like hell. To know that the only people that you cared for , and the only people that you though cared for you were no longer there for you . They didn’t trust you . All that you did in the past 2 years to prove that you truly wanted to do something good just disappeared into thin air in a second.They didn’t care.You cried. You cried a lot . You screamed for help. You screamed for them to come to you so that you could prove that you held no evil in your heart or brain. You begged the guards.It carried on like this for days until you were all out of emotions . No more tears left to drain out of your system,no more feeling to profess to Bucky and more importantly no more need to explain anything to anyone .It was the day you realised that they weren’t going to come .How much ever you screamed,cried or begged. The day you realised the painful truth that they don’t care for you. You just sat in the cell staring at the well. 
The only ray of light that entered the room was when they pushed in the plate of food.You no more hoped that Bucky would come in saying sorry for he acted on impulse and how he should have listened to you and understood your side of the story . Honestly you didn’t care anymore too. You came to a realisation that maybe you really couldn’t adjust into this world. That people will never be able to accept. However much you try to make a new life for yourself you will simply be thrown back to where you were,square one.You grew cold as the days went on .Just rage filled every inch of your body . It was almost 6 months now and you haven’t open your mouth to speak at all. You were pretty sure that if you tried to utter a few words no sound would come out.All day you spent just going over the horrible events that occured in your life.You really didn’t understand what you had done to deserve such horrible faith .
Your body was filled with anger towards the avengers and how they were a bunch of hypocrites and thought they could do anything as they pleased.You started to hate them with every fibre of your being . You laughed at how they portrayed themselves strong to the whole world while the truth was that none of them were strong.They were all pathetic,behind closed doors fighting their demons . A small laugh escaped you mouth just when the door to the room of your cell creaked open.You didn’t want to look up to see which avenger came to see you suffer. You just scoffed thinking about how long it had taken for one of them to come. Maybe they had come to see if you were alive or dead. 
“Is this the life you had hoped for when you ran away?”
 A chill ran down your spine when you heard a familiar voice. A voice that made you who you were.A voice that gave you orders in the name of greater good. The voice of your master back at Hydra. You look up to see him.He hasn’t changed a bit.You thought he would have a smirk on his face but he didn’t . He was sad. He was sad to see you like this. 
“You see how they treat you. How did you ever think they would accept you?You were much better there with us my child?At least we valued you .”
 You turn your head to see that he was breaking the bars with his bare hands.
“How did you get in here?"was the only thing you could ask.
"Does that really matter my child?” He said smiling at you . 
You wanted to cry . You wanted to cry in his arms . He was your caretaker. He looked after you when you used to come back from a mission bruised and hurt. He used to tend to your fractures and told you it was all going to be fine. He helped you in your darkest days,when nightmares spoil your sleep .He calmed you when the anxiety and panic filled your body . He calmed you at nights when the only things that filled your ears were the begging and pleading and screams of your victims. You knew he was bad but you still couldn’t stop yourself from finding comfort when he hugged you and soothed you now as you cried. 
“I have come to save you my child. But before that we have a mission to complete.”
You looked up at him as you wiped your tears and got ready to listen to his command.
“Are you ready soldier?” You nodded before he told you your mission.
“Y/N , you don’t have to do this . Let us talk.” Wanda pleaded as you aimed the gun at all of them as your master kept them for attacking you .
“It sure didn’t seem like you wanted to talk for the past 6 months when I screamed my lungs out to you . No on came."You say,your voice eerily calm.
"Y/N,we needed time . You weren’t who we thought you were. A lot was revealed and we needed time for all that to sink in ."Came the voice of Steve rogers who suddenly seemed to be quite the sympathizer.
"And 6 months weren’t enough.You know I wasn’t that girl that Nat told you I was. I left that life long back . I changed. But today I am that girl . And you know who made me her again.YOU.You turned me back to her. Steve,Nat,Wanda,Tony and especially Bucky .All of you are responsible for what I have become .You didn’t care for me . You didn’t even bother to hear me out. Why should I even trust you guys?You brought this upon yourself.”
“Do it Y/N.” you hear your master .
 And with one shot to his head ,he was gone. You had killed him . The man who practically raised you . You had killed your master.
“Oh god.I was scared. I knew you wouldn’t kill us.I believed you when you said you changed.Come back."Said Nat.
"You are saying that only because you fear me .You don’t mean it.I have no one. I will forever be alone”
“I mean it Y/N . I lov….Y/N..” Bucky screams your name and runs towards you to stop you from shooting yourself.
But it was too late . The bullet had already pierced your skull .Bucky caught your lifeless body as it fell to the ground. Everything happened so fast it took a moment for everyone to react . Bucky screamed your name shaking your body,trying to wake you up . Everyone syrrounded you as the blood dripped onto the floor . All you wanted was a new life .But maybe you weren’t worth it.
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redgillan · 7 years
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Breaking the Rules - part 3
Bucky Barnes x Reader
Summary:  Modern!AU You hate James Barnes with a burning passion and the feeling is entirely mutual. Just when you think things can’t get any worse, you are tricked into attending his sister’s wedding as his girlfriend. Stuck with a bunch of strangers, you come up with a set of rules that are not going to last long.
Word Count:2,157
Warnings: the usual +  Mention of Cheating, Mention of Emotionally Abusive Relationship
A/N: I hope you enjoy this chapter, lovelies!
Breaking the Rules - Masterpage
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You woke up with a start, unsure where you were. The distant sound of laughter filled the room and you rolled to your side, groaning. The light filtering through the curtains was bright enough to see by, but your eyes were still blurry from sleep.
“It’s barely seven!” Bucky groaned.
His head appeared just above the mattress as he sat up from the floor. He was at eye level with you and yawned widely, not bothering to cover his mouth. You buried your face into the pillow, mumbling something about morning breath.
“So this is what you look like in the morning,” he said, stretching his back. “Interesting.”
You shoved him hard as you kicked the covers off and jumped out of bed. He fell back into his sleeping bag, staring up at the ceiling with his arms crossed behind his head. You made a beeline for the window; his mother and sisters were having breakfast on the patio.
“Oh, shut up!” you snapped, your eyes shooting daggers at him. “You don’t look better. Are those dark circles under your eyes or are you turning into a panda?”
“Hey, I just said you looked interesting.” His self-satisfied smirk made your blood boil.
“Yeah? Well, you look interesting, too.” You used your fingers to make air quotation marks around the word interesting. “If you’ll excuse me, I’d like to take a shower. Now get up and make my bed.”
“What? No-”
“Rules #9, little panda,” you reminded him, closing the door behind you.
When you came downstairs for breakfast, there was an empty seat between Bucky and Lizzie. Mary handed you a glass of orange juice while Winnie introduced you to Rebecca.
“You can call me Becca,” she replied with a warm smile. “How long have you and Bucky been together?”
You looked thoughtful for a moment before you decided that a half truth was better than a half lie.  “We’ve been seeing each other for a year.”
“Love at first sight?” she asked.
To Bucky’s surprise and shock, you burst out laughing. He jabbed you in the ribs with his elbow, making you cry out. You recovered quickly and answered Becca’s question.
“Not really,” you sighed, preparing yourself mentally for what you were about to say. “But now, I love him so much, it physically hurts.”
You glanced at Bucky who was chewing with his mouth open, gleefully and on purpose. You drank your orange juice with a loud slurping noise that made him grit his teeth.
While the others talked about their plans for the day, Becca observed you and Bucky. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but there was something strange going on between you and Bucky. Months ago, he had checked that he was coming with a guest, but last night, during dinner, you told them that it was a last minute thing.
She pondered the thought while they all cleared the table and washed the dishes. It pained her to see him like that; sad, distant and angry. He had been so emotionally damaged that he was now reduced to a shell of a man.
Bucky left the kitchen to return to his bedroom and found you already there, stuffing your phone into your purse. He crossed the room and flopped down on the bed, a content sigh leaving his lips.
“Going somewhere?”
“Yes, your sisters are taking me to the mall. I would have mentioned it last night, but you were too busy throwing tantrums. Mary’s excited, though. She wants to move to New York and run a fashion business.”
Bucky chuckled, his eyes closed.
“Anyway, I need your credit card.”
His eyes sprang open.
“According to the rules, you-”
“I have to buy you a dress and a pair of shoes,” he interrupted you. “Yeah, I remember.”
Without knocking, Mary burst into the room, startling you and Bucky.  There was a frown on her pretty face as she looked you over.
“What’s taking you so long? Come on! Let’s go, we only have four hours to find the perfect dress!” she nearly shouted, clapping her hands as if that would make you move faster. “I’ll wait for you in the car.”
She rushed downstairs, her feet pounding the ground. Bucky took a step towards you and reluctantly handed you his credit card. Laughing like a villain in a Disney movie, you took your purse and left the room. Bucky face-palmed himself; you were going to be the death of him.
Mary and Lizzie took you to every clothing store they knew, but you were still searching for the perfect dress. Luckily, you found the dress in a boutique you had never heard of before. The dress was red and form fitting; the perfect combination of classy and sexy.
Your eyes widened when you looked at the price tag. That beautiful designer dress was worth more than you made in three months. Teasing Bucky was fun, but you were not going to spend all his money on a dress.
You took a last good look at yourself in the mirror and tried to find flaws in your flawless dress.
“That dress looks amazing on you!”
A woman was standing behind you and you raised your gaze to meet hers in the mirror. She had long, straight red hair and sparkling green eyes. You turned around to face her.
“Red’s your color, sweetie,” she said with a kind smile.
“Thank you,” you replied, trying to sound polite and not weirded out. You weren’t used to random compliments. “But it’s too expensive.”
“The prices here are unbelievable,” the woman responded, sympathizing with you. “Still, it looks really good on you. Where did you find that dress?”
You pointed to a rack of clothes near the dressing rooms. She was about to leave when a little boy ran towards her. He hugged her long legs and she stumbled in her high heels, almost losing her balance. Chuckling softly, she ran a hand through the boy’s dark hair.
“I’m Dolores and this is my little guy, Louis.”
You told her your name and shook her hand. Louis had his mother’s eyes, as green as grass after a summer shower. His hair was a mess of chestnut curls that he most likely took after his father.
You parted ways soon after and you changed back into your clothes before you joined Mary and Lizzie who were waiting for you somewhere in the store. They were disappointed to see you come back empty-handed.
You found a pale lilac dress in a thrift shop for only twenty dollars; it was classy and cheap. Mary wasn’t thrilled, but Lizzie commented that Bucky would love the dress. You gave her a small smile. You were pretty sure Bucky wouldn’t care. You had only one goal -impress his ex-girlfriend.
As you stepped out of the mall, a hot dry breeze hit your face. The air was hot, almost suffocating and you had to remove your jacket. You sat in the front passenger seat and fastened your seatbelt while Lizzie started the car.
She drove back to her parents’ house with the windows rolled down, a warm breeze whipping through the car. After a moment of silence, you decided to ask them about Dot.
“What is she like?”
“She’s...” Lizzie drawled out, choosing her words carefully.
“She’s a manipulative bitch,” Mary replied from the backseat. “She’s always nice and polite, but there’s something evil about her.”
“Evil?” you snorted. “Seriously?”
“Dot’s a demon, but she’s engaged to the groom’s best man so she’ll be at the wedding.”
“What happened between her and Bucky?” you asked.
Lizzie looked in the rear view mirror and shared a puzzled look with her sister. “He never told you?”
“He doesn't talk about it.” It wasn’t a lie, you had never had a real conversation with Bucky.
“He really should be the one telling you this,” Lizzie said, her eyes focused on the road. “But we’ll tell you because you deserve to know.”
You shifted uncomfortably in your seat. This was a terrible idea, you felt like you were invading his privacy.
“They met in high school and applied to the same colleges,” Lizzie began. “Bucky’s always been a straight-A student. He graduated with honors in History while Dot had to repeat her senior year. He decided to wait for her and took a job as a waiter. And since Dot lived on campus, he found a roommate to save money.
“To be honest, she practically lived with him and his roommate. She skipped classes and drank a lot while he was working his ass off. And then he received a job offer from his old high school after the history teacher retired. He rented a small studio apartment with the money he had saved up and moved in with Dot. Not long after that, she told him she was pregnant.”
“You have to understand that Bucky practically raised us,” Mary continued. “Our dad was deployed and our mom was too depressed to take care of us. Bucky prepared our meals, took us to school, did the laundry, and whatever else was necessary. He was just a kid; he’s two years older than Becca, seven years older than Liz and eleven years older than me.”
“Bucky’d always wanted to be a dad. Taking care of us must have triggered something. He was so happy when Dot got pregnant,” Lizzie recalled fondly before her smile fell from her lips. “She was four months pregnant when her obstetrician found something wrong with the child. They did some tests and... Well, Bucky couldn’t possibly be the father.
“She admitted cheating on him with his roommate, Scott. They kinda look alike, so she figured Bucky would never know. She broke up with Bucky, married Scott and divorced him ten months later. And now, Bucky lives in a big city, makes loads of money and never visits us anymore. She tore him to pieces.”
As she finished her story, Lizzie parked the car in the driveway. You followed the two sisters into the house and pondered over what Lizzie and Mary had said. Now you understood why he had freaked out the night before.
His friends were moving on and he was still haunted by his ex-girlfriend and her cruel lies. In a way, you understood his anger and lifestyle. If someone had crushed your heart and destroyed every dream you had ever had, you would probably have made some drastic changes in your life.
Every girls were potential Dots and he had to protect himself.
As soon as you walked into the kitchen, Winnie gave you two glasses of lemonade and told you to bring them to “the boys.” Bucky and Becca’s fiancé, Henry, were in the backyard, working on Becca’s car.
You left your bag in the kitchen and stepped onto the patio where you slipped off your sandals. The grass was warm under your feet as you crossed the backyard. A man you assumed was Henry took the glass you handed him.
“You’re a godsend. It’s so hot today.” He wiped his brows with the back of his hand and took a long sip of the cold drink. “We haven’t met yet. I’m Henry and I’m getting married this Sunday.”
You laughed. There was something about him that made you feel comfortable right away. He looked like a giant marshmallow.
You turned your head and saw a pair of legs clad in grease-stained jean poking out from under the car. Henry gave you a knowing smile and walked back towards the house, leaving you alone with Bucky.
He rolled out from underneath the car and almost hit his head when he saw you standing in front of him.
“You scared the shit outta me,” he grumbled as he got to his feet.
You were about to reply something when he removed his dirty white singlet and used it to wipe off his face. The words got stuck in your throat as you shamelessly ogled his half naked body. You quickly looked away when he threw his shirt on the grass.
“You okay?” he asked, cocking his head to the side. You nodded and gave him the glass of lemonade. “Thanks, I was dying.”
“You’re sweaty.”
“Well, yeah, it’s like 90 degrees.”
“You’re sweaty,” you repeated, your eyes locked on a trickle of sweat that was running between his pecs.
“Are you drunk?”
He leaned forward to smell your breath. His face was so close that you could see the smattering of freckles dotting his nose. It was barely noticeable, but it was there. Suddenly, the corners of his eyes crinkled and a laugh escaped his throat.
“Don't cross your eyes or they'll get stuck that way.”
“I wasn’t,” you responded, pushing him away.
“Yes, you were!” He stumbled back, laughing buoyantly. “It was amazing! Do it again!”
“Buttface,” you said, flipping him off as you backed away.
You walked back toward the house, Bucky’s laughter still ringing in your ears. Was that a flutter in your belly? Nope, nope, nope.
Part 4
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snarktheater · 6 years
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Shadowhunters — Episode 2x15
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There’s no real reason for me to open this post with this particular gif. It's entirely gratuitous. But I've gotta keep my spirits up somehow, and this seemed like a good way to do it.
See, there are two main plotlines in this episode (as usual), and they revolve around Simon and Sebastian. So my interest levels are altogether rather low. Hence the need for some sexy Matthew Daddario to cheer me up. The episode isn't even particularly bad, by the way—spoiler, I guess. It's mostly just that I have a hard time feeling anything for Simon beyond "oh, no, Simon's on screen". Especially now that we're ramping up the love triangle again.
Anyway. Let's talk about Simon, actually. His deal is…brooding at the Hunter's Moon because of what happened at the Seelie Court, getting drunk, refusing to take Clary's calls, you know, all the things you do in healthy relationships.
Quinn shows up, and…remember Quinn? Probably not, especially since I didn't even know he had a name until now. Quinn's the guy who defected from Raphael's vampire clan to pledge fealty to Simon as the Daylighter. And apparently, that involves buying Simon a drink.
"Plasma?" "The hard stuff."
Is he trying to get Simon drunk? Well, even now with the hindsight of everything that happens in the episode, I'm not sure if he's malevolent or just a douchebag who thinks getting blacked-out drunk is a good idea. Either way, I don't particularly like him, so as you can guess, his interactions with Simon mostly leave me wanting to fast forward over them.
Quinn then brings Simon to a "bleeder den", where mundanes who happen to know about vampires can let themselves be bitten.
"Isn't this against the Accords?" "It's kind of a grey area."
Okay, well, the Accords are shitty and Shadowhunters are doing a crap job protecting humans, that's nothing new. Better question, though: don't you feel even a little bad at using literal addicts to your own advantage? I mean, we spent a good chunk of the season highlighting the terrible effects that vampire venom addiction had on Isabelle, and I lost track of whether Simon knows about that, but he should still show some empathy towards those "willing" donors.
Ha, Simon showing empathy. And then what? No, instead he starts feeding on a girl. She has a name, I think it's Heidi, but it doesn't matter since the next time we see her, she's dead.
And I mean, the show's so obviously trying to hint at Simon being her killer that it's an obvious red herring. Seriously. Next time Simon shows up, he's covered in blood. Don't worry, he cleans it up at super speed so he can be pissy at Clary over what happened at the Seelie Court.
"You don't mean ['I love you'] the way I mean it! You never have. Ever since we were kids, I've been in love with you."
"It's [Clary's feelings for Jace] nothing like you and me." "But it's enough."
And, like…I don't know. I can't feel any sympathy for that. I mean, I understand jealousy, but I can't sympathize with it. The point is this: Clary has feelings for two people, and sure, they may not be the same kind of feelings, but she still chose Simon. And she hasn't given any indication that she's regretting that choice, or considering to cheat on him with Jace, or anything like that.
I mean, even if we admit the premise that "Seelie magic is always true" (something Isabelle tells Clary earlier in the episode), all it says is Clary desires Jace the most. Which, considering she's dating Simon and not Jace, isn't that automatically true? You can't really desire what you already have.
Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that Clary and Simon are on the way to breaking up, but I feel like Simon's self-righteous attitude is just completely undeserved. He's rejecting her because 1) she has feelings for another guy and 2) she "doesn't love him the way he loves her", which doesn't really mean anything? Nobody feels things the exact same way. And, again, she chose him, so clearly she decided he was more important.
Ugh. I can't believe I'm arguing fairy logic and relationships with this show now. Let's jus move on to the next scene, with Simon trashing his shirt while trying to remember what happened at the den (you thought I was exaggerating about blacked-out drunk?). Luke shows up, because he heard about the girl's death and how it's obviously the work of a vampire, and he wanted Simon to help him investigate. Oh, and comfort him about the Clary thing, too.
"What's going on between you two, I'm always here for you. You're the closest thing to a son that I've got."
Aw. That'd be adorable if I cared about Simon!
But just then, Luke's partner Ollie calls to tell Luke that they found Simon's prints on Heidi, which Simon overhears because vampire hearing, and he runs away. As you do.
So Simon's on the run, and Luke tells Clary about the whole thing, including the possibility that Simon might have killed someone. To her credit, she's in denial, but that kind of makes it worse because Luke has to say this:
"Demon blood…it changes a person."
And…like, you know how Downworlders are usually a big allegory for oppression? Yeah, when Downworlders themselves go "yeah, we really are dangerous and out of control", it kind of makes it sound like that oppression is justified. Especially coming from Luke, who's been on the more reasonable end of things. So could you…maybe…not?
Anyway. He's going to find Simon and…I don't know, either arrest him or cover up, it's not clear yet. Clary insists to come along, which Luke eventually caves to, but the real question is: isn't investigating this kind of her job anyway as a Shadowhunter? Is Clary even working officially as a Shadowhunter?
Meanwhile, Simon asks Raphael for help finding Quinn and for shelter. Raphael, being a good guy, naturally agrees and—nah, I'm just fucking with you. Raphael will only help Simon in exchange for the secret to being a Daylighter. Because he's terrible. Lest you forget.
So Simon's out on his own, and he decides to retrace his steps from the previous night and hopefully figure out what happened. Which immediately gets him caught by Ollie, because…no duh, cops keep an eye on the scene of a crime. Who'd have thought?
But wait, it gets stupider. See, while she's talking to Simon (who immediately confessed) in her car, Ollie lets it slip that Heidi's bite mark is on her feet. And…like, Simon is grossed out by feet, so he totally never would have done that! Because people never do things that would normally gross them out when they're inebriated, right?
Well, the logic's sound enough for Simon, at least, who breaks out of Ollie's car, because I guess potentially being a murderer is horrible, but actually revealing the Shadow World to a policewoman is just a-okay!
He goes back to the den again, and lo and behold, Quinn's here, biting some other girl on the feet, which totally proves he's the murderer. Well, that and he confesses on the spot.
"It was an accident. Accidents happen, don't worry about it."
Simon threatens to turn him in, which leads to Quinn trying to kill him, because that's how deep his devotion to Simon was. No big loss, right?
I should mention that Clary and Luke track Simon down to the den, and Raphael's also on the case and reaches the den on his own. I should, because it's an attempt at generating tension, and it falls exceptionally flat when Simon…kills Quinn by himself just before the other three enter the den. Congratulations, one of your main characters and two of your main supporting cast were utterly useless.
Well, actually, Luke and Raphael do one more thing, which is hypnotize Ollie into forgetting the whole thing ever happened. So once again, Clary's stuck alone in being more or less useless. Oh, she does get a moment of wrap-up where Simon visits her at the Institute and angsts all over her, but says he'll remain friends with her but just needs time to heal. So…even that scene was all about Simon. You know, for a supposed protagonist who narrates the show's opening, Clary's shoved in the background pretty regularly.
Speaking of which, the episode's other plotline is the one that actually matters, as you might have gathered. And it opens with Sebastian being creepy on purpose some more, down to and including ironing his own hand.
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Does this serve a point? We already saw him hold his hand on an open flame, and also, you know, he's holding someone captive. I think the latter qualifies as a better proof that he's a bad guy. We don't need this shit, you guys.
The actual plot, by the way, is that Alec is organizing the transfer of Valentine to the Gard in Idris. I don't know why he wasn't sent straight there when he was first captured, by the way, but okay, good. He's dealing with Magnus's angst over the memories of his past that were triggered when he was tortured as Valentine a few episodes ago, and…I'll skip straight to the resolution of that, because it's what matters the least.
Basically, the memory in question is of Magnus's mom, who (seemingly) killed herself in shame over her son being a warlock. Since the only proof we have of that is Magnus's human dad's word, and that she died from being stabbed in the heart, I have some doubts, but okay. The bad (worse?) part of the memory is that said human dad yelled at Magnus about it, and Magnus lashed out with magic, killing him.
Magnus feels bad, because even at that age, he was in control of his magic and should have known better, and he feels like a monster undeserving of Alec's love. The solution is…kind of obvious.
"There's nothing ugly about you."
Wow. So profound. Also I should remind everyone that this is happening because Alec sanctioned torture of Magnus. Unwittingly, sure, but the fact that Magnus basically has to ask for Alec's acceptance as a consequence of that is a little bit jarring. To say the least.
Meanwhile on the actual plot side of things, Isabelle's tasked with organizing security for Valentine's transfer. The Magnus thing is basically just a delay since he's the only warlock with clearance to open a Portal for something this high-profile. And the show's going to use that delay, fear not.
I'll skip over the scene of Jace removing Valentine's Circle rune. The show says it's because the new wards in Idris won't let him through if he has the rune, but honestly, that scene is nothing but Jace rehashing all the ways Valentine fucked him up emotionally, and then inflicting violence on Valentine (because removing a rune is painful, not because he's actually beating him up, but it's still violence). It's just utterly pointless.
What does matter is that Aline shows up in the meantime. Yeah, Aline is in the show now. Turns out, she heard that her cousin (you know, Sebastian) had resurfaced in New York after going MIA for a while, and she came to check up on him. Cue our Sebastian going back home to his prisoner, who, in a completely unsurprising twist, is the real Sebastian Verlac.
"Tell me [everything about her] or she dies!"
Well, I'll give it to our fake Sebastian: at least he knows how to come up with a decent threat that he can actually carry out.
So Aline and not-Sebastian (and yes, I still need to figure out how to call him) spend the evening together, and he somehow manages to trick her into thinking she's really her cousin. I mean, she does express some suspicions, but overall, it works. However, twist of all twists, the real Sebastian manages to break free from his bonds and escape Sebastian's apartment! Ooh, how tense, I wonder if he'll manage to alert anyone!
Yeah, don't get excited. He reaches the Institute just as Aline is saying goodbye to Isabelle after fake-Sebastian convinced her to go check up on their aunt Elodie, the woman who was taking care of real-Sebastian. And just before real-Sebastian reaches them, fake-Sebastian stabs him in the back. See, his landlord saw his apartment door open, and called him because he thought there was a break-in, so he was already hunting for real-Sebastian, and because dramatic timing rules all, he found him at the very last moment.
What about Valentine's transfer, you may ask? Well, yeah, actually, that wasn't really relevant to the plot of the episode, was it? It just comes back up at the very end of the episode, so you already know it's going to be our cliffhanger. And indeed, just before Valentine walks into Magnus's Portal, another Shadowhunter (Duncan Armstrong, who had been previously seen criticizing Alec's leadership) grabs him, and they never show up on the other side of the Portal.
And then, surprise! We find out that fake-Sebastian is the one who orchestrated that by threatening Duncan's family. He kills Duncan immediately, because \~evil\~, and greets Valentine by revealing who he really is.
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And a "hello, Father" for good measure, if there were people in the audience who hadn't understood who he was yet.
And that's the end of the episode. The Simon stuff is trash, but I actually want to talk more about the dual Sebastian plot line. Because it should have been a tense plot, but it's so by-the-numbers that I doubt it would surprise anyone. However, it could easily have been salvaged, and I'm going to propose a version of events that would probably have worked much better (maybe even for people who read the books).
See, the issue here is twofold. One, we the audience already know that Jonathan Morgenstern is impersonating Sebastian, that he's evil, and that he has him captive. Two, we see Sebastian get his way in literally everything he does, so seeing real-Sebastian escape, when we're still halfway through this story arc, isn't really a tense moment. We know Sebastian won't be outed. So that shouldn't be the stakes here, because it makes the conclusion (fake-Sebastian killing real-Sebastian) the safe, predictable decision, and makes real-Sebastian being alive completely irrelevant.
So I propose this instead: everything unfolds as it does up until this episode, without the scenes of fake-Sebastian being obviously evil and creepy by gratuitously burning himself and also having a captive that we know about. Then, in this episode, someone (say, Aline) finds real-Sebastian captive. In his own (supposed) home or elsewhere, it doesn't matter. But real-Sebastian doesn't know that someone's impersonating him; maybe he's only seen Jonathan in his burned appearance we saw at the end of the episode. Based on something Jonathan says next episode, that form is actually stronger, so it would even make sense for him to use it.
Sebastian is rescued, but he's too weak to give too many details (and crucially, reveal he's been captive for a long time while a fake was going around). Aline investigates his capture, and finds Jonathan, still in his burned form, probably trying to get to real-Sebastian and make him disappear before he can spill too much information. Have all the action you want, Jonathan vanishes in the midst of it, having seemingly given up. Real-Sebastian, importantly, must be out of sight during all of this.
So cut to Aline going to check on her cousin, and he acts a little weird and maybe doesn't even know she's his cousin, but oh well, he's still pretty shaken up, so she dismisses it. Of course, it's actually fake-Sebastian again, but the characters don't know that, and we the audience don't either. Well, you can guess it is, but it's left uncertain enough. Maybe Aline found something that hinted at a long captivity, but fake-Sebastian denies being captive for more than a day, comes up with a theory that there may have been other captives, and she takes it at face value and leaves.
That creates mystery, and more importantly, some desperately-needed tension in the form of uncertainty—not for the characters, but for us, the audience. You can even keep the end of the episode intact, except Jonathan doesn't reveal to Valentine that he's in disguise as Sebastian yet. It doubles as a red herring, since now it looks like Jonathan was at the Insitute to (successfully) interfere with Valentine's transfer to Idris, rather than his actual goal of replacing Sebastian.
You can then reveal that real-Sebastian is dead…whenever the show will actually reveal it to the characters (I assume it will eventually). And now we, the audience, share the impact of that twist with the characters.
Of course, there are practical issues with this. In particular, it means having Will Tudor in the burned make-up (and having to make a different voice for Jonathan Morgenstern). And I realize it's easy to make a fix-fic after the fact to improve on a story that already exists. But…well, this was such an easy fix, and one that should have been obvious. Don't give the audience more information than the characters, and then treat the issue like a mystery. It's simple.
Anyway, that's all I have to say for this episode. Hope you enjoyed at least my little writing exercise, because I sure did, and that's pretty much the only thing I actually enjoyed about doing this review.
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aion-rsa · 3 years
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The Best TV Shows of 2020
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Some year, eh? 
We’re often poetic about TV around these parts. It’s no secret that we like to sing its praises as a powerful, restorative, and maybe sometimes therapeutic medium. But during a dangerous, confusing year, delving into the many ways that TV “kept us sane” or whatever feels reductive. 
What we can say, however, is this: TV was around this year. And that’s no small feat as not every other medium was so lucky. Concerts and other live performances were canceled. The movie-going experience was upended (perhaps permanently), and even curling up with a nice book at a coffee shop was no longer an option for much of the year. The TV production schedule may have been disrupted, but for the most part, the television machine chugged along, providing us with a diverse (and often overwhelming) number of truly excellent options to take in.
This year we want to honor the best of those TV shows – not for any particular reason other than that it’s fun to do and we’ve all earned some year-end distractions. We had our staff vote on their favorite series, polled you the reader as well, then crunched all the numbers in an intensely complicated propriety equation (not really) to determine our winners. 
Please enjoy our choices for the 25 Best TV Shows of 2020. 
25. How To with John Wilson
How To with John Wilson is the heir to Nathan For You’s throne, which seems obvious considering the series boasts Nathan Fielder as an executive producer, but the new HBO series shares much of the fiercely beloved former Comedy Central series’ DNA. While Nathan For You used helping businesses as a jumping off point to explore social interactions and the funny, insane things that people may say or do if you point a camera in their face, How To with John Wilson purports to explain how to perform simple tasks like making small talk or splitting a check, but mostly showcases how beautiful, ugly, life-affirming, and odd life in New York City can be. It’s a difficult show to explain, but it uses dry narration and quick documentary-style footage to create laugh out loud set-ups and punchlines, and digresses into some of the most poignant, and “WTF” moments found in a comedy series. You may not learn much, but you’ll laugh a lot. 
– Nick Harley
24. The Plot Against America
TV writing geniuses David Simon and Ed Burns (The Wire, The Deuce) are masters of subtlety. Their many shows, several of which are among the best in TV history, know how to conquer small moments en route to a bigger, oft devastating picture. During these very unsubtle times then, how could they possibly adapt Philip Roth’s equally unsubtle book about creeping fascism in America, The Plot Against America? The answer, as it turns out, is with the same gentle touch and keen understanding of the human condition as they always employ.
Like Roth’s 2004 novel, The Plot Against America picks up in an alternate version of the American 1940s, where real life aviation hero and Nazi-sympathizing populist Charles Lindbergh is elected president. The show then follows the working class Jewish Levin family as they deal with the fallout. Simon and Burns’ subtle touch works uncommonly well here. The Plot Against America’s six episodes are in many ways about how gradually and imperceptibly things can get worse until one’s home is no longer recognizable. For obvious reasons, the series resonated this year but its ability to summon creeping dread would have played well just about any time. 
– Alec Bojalad
23. Lovecraft Country
A sprawling anthology with an overarching fable set in the depths of Jim Crow America in the 1950s, Lovecraft Country was an epic, political, sometimes gory, always ambitious sci-fi horror unlike anything else in 2020. Following the journey of Atticus (Jonathan Majors), Leti (Jurnee Smollett), and Atticus’s uncle George (Courtney B. Vance) on a mission to find Atticus’s missing father, the story combines real life racist horror with supernatural creatures inspired by H.P. Lovecraft.
Each episode is both a standalone story and part of the whole, playing with different subgenres. Ep 3 “Holy Ghost” is a classic haunted house tale with a historical twist against a backdrop of neighborhood racism, ep 5 “A Strange Case” is an extraordinary body horror which explores the female experience, 6 “Meet Me in Daegu” introduces a character from Korean folklore, while ep 8 “I Am” is a sprawling afrofuturist sci-fi. Created by Misha Green, exec produced by Jordan Peele and JJ Abrams, this is glossy cinematic stuff with a terrific ensemble cast. Talk about bang for your buck.
– Rosie Fletcher
22. His Dark Materials
If season one of this fantasy adaptation was carefully laying the tracks, then season two is hurtling along them, whooping out of the window as it goes. The new episodes started from the high-point of the season one finale and kept climbing. The difference is in tone – this time it’s warmer, keying more successfully into its characters’ emotional lives. It’s bolder too, demonstrating confidence by stepping away from the books to add scenes, humor and modern updates as required.
Season two, adapted from the second book in Philip Pullman’s original trilogy, sees Lyra and Will cross worlds and forge a bond. Will undertakes his own hero’s journey, one involving Spectres, a magical knife and the father he’d long thought dead. The real star though, is Ruth Wilson as Mrs. Coulter, a devilishly complex character into whose head this show is satisfyingly determined to get. 
Season two is an episode short, thanks to COVID-19, but we should be grateful it made it here on time at all. The real delight is all the talent and effort that’s gone into telling such a weird story, one that only gets weirder from hereon in…
– Louisa Mellor
21. She-Ra and the Princesses of Power
Season 5 of She-Ra was the show at its absolute best. Every restriction seemed to be lifted and it just let loose with all the joy, deepness, and big queer energy it had ever wanted to display. Bless it for that because it allowed the show to go out on the highest of notes. We’d be here all day if we listed all the fantastic plots this season and how everyone got a chance to shine but no moment stands out more than Catra and Adora kissing. 
It’s a moment queer fans had hoped for and were shocked it actually happened. Seeing two leads in a legacy property get to be not only confirmed queer but also kiss is still a rare sight and we can only hope it signals great change in animation going forward.  We’re sad to see She-Ra go but glad it got to end so perfectly. 
– Shamus Kelley
20. Pen15 
During the 2011 “Middle School” episode of This American Life, host Ira Glass interviews producer Alex Blumberg, who presents a radical new approach to education in America: get rid of middle school. Children’s bodies and brains are just simply too volatile in their preteen years to meaningfully learn anything in the years between elementary school and high school. Give them a break, then pick up and try again in a couple years.
It’s hard not to think of that interview when watching Hulu’s wonderful middle school comedy Pen15. Lead characters Maya (Maya Erskine) and Anna (Anna Konkle) are very rarely seen learning something in class or poring over their homework. And why would they be? There are boys to obsess over, school plays to audition for, and moments that will scar them forever to experience. 
Rarely has there ever been a more frank, honest, and hilarious exploration of the middle school years than Pen15. Much was made during the show’s first season about the adult Konkle and Erskine’s ability to portray their younger selves. And in season 2, they blend in so seamlessly that the novelty of the casting choice might never even occur to the viewer. 
– Alec Bojalad
19. I Hate Suzie
The last time playwright Lucy Prebble wrote a TV series for Billie Piper, it was 2007’s Secret Diary of a Call Girl. London-set, glamorous, sexy and funny, that was a distinctly twentysomething story. Over a decade later, Prebble and Piper reunited to do something different in I Hate Suzie; still funny, but rawer, more experimental, and probing all the ways that a thirtysomething woman’s identity – wife, mother, and in this case, celebrity – can be defined by everything except herself. 
Piper plays popstar-turned actor Suzie, whose life explodes when hacked photos of her cheating on her husband leak online. Suzie goes through the stages of grief in eight riotous half-hour episodes that experiment with form and genre. There’s drama. There’s satire. There’s singing and dancing. There’s Dexter Fletcher doing coke off a bare arse, and a whole-episode wank that explores the societal construction of female desire. It is, in modern parlance, a lot, in the most exhilarating and enriching way. These two had better not leave it another 10 years until their next collaboration. We demand more. 
– Louisa Mellor 
18. Rick and Morty
Did you hear? This guy turns himself into a pickle…a PICKLE! It’s wild. Every subsequent year that Rick and Morty airs, it gets harder to separate the “meme” of Rick and Morty from the show itself. Suppose that’s just what happens when a fanbase proves itself to be…uh, energetic, and the Merchandising Industrial Complex kicks itself into overdrive to produce some truly offensively bad Big Dog-style shirts. 
Removed from the meta of it all, Rick and Morty still churned out some great episodes of television in 2020. The back half of the series’ two-part season 4 all aired this year and there were real gems included among them. Though it proved to be divisive, “Never Ricking Morty” was certainly among the most structurally ambitious installments the show has ever attempted. Then there was just the sublimely hilarious “The Vat of Acid Episode,” which was enough to earn the show a Best Animated Series Emmy. 
– Alec Bojalad
17. Dark
Dark is already notable for reaching levels of popularity in the United States not often enjoyed by subtitled fare, but it also was afforded the rare opportunity to end on its own terms with its third season in 2020. Audiences fell in love with the generational stories of the families living around the nuclear power plant in Winden, Germany, marveling at casting choices for characters in their older or younger forms whose resemblances were spot on.
The time travel plot tied viewers’ brains into knots, but the desire to see an end to the apocalypse was made even deeper by the strong chemistry between Dark’s own Adam and Eve: Jonas and Martha. As the true source of the alternate timelines and causal loops became known, everything about the show’s reality was called into question, but the ending left a lingering question mark to entice fans to speculate long after the show had ended. 
– Michael Ahr
16. The Untamed
While The Untamed technically premiered in 2019, the Chinese xianxia drama was one of the escapist stories that most defined a year we all wanted to get as far away from as possible. Bursting onto the transformative fandom scene to come in ninth on Tumblr’s list of the most-discussed live action TV shows of 2020, the foreign-language fantasy series tells the story of supernatural flautist Wei Wuixan (Xiao Zhan) from his humble beginnings as a teen cultivator-in-training to his controversial role as a demonic cultivator war hero to his time as a masked detective after he is mysteriously brought back to life in a stranger’s body 13 years after his gruesome death. 
But, like any good melodrama, The Untamed is really all about the relationships. This is a complex emotional story about siblings and sects, honor and morality. At the heart of the interpersonal narrative is the epic romance between Wei Wuixan and his stoic swordsman boyfriend Lan Wangji (Wang Yibo). The Untamed is adapted from an explicitly queer web novel, but China’s anti-LGBTQ censorship laws require the series tell its love story via lingering gazes, clasped wrists, and declarations of undying devotion. The result is no less queer, as these canonical soulmates sacrifice everything but their fervid commitment to protect the innocent for one another. 
– Kayti Burt
15. The Haunting of Bly Manor
In 2018, Netflix shrieked its way into the spooky season game with the breakout hit The Haunting of Hill House. The streamer then afforded creator Mike Flanagan the opportunity to American Horror Story-ize his work into an anthology of his own, thus The Haunting series was born. In typical second child fashion, The Haunting of Bly Manor had a world of expectations to live up to, which included its often-adapted source material, primarily the novella Turn of The Screw by Henry James (or Hank Jim as we like to call him) among two other works. Flanagan, who’s a heavyweight in the horror genre at this point, again eschewed a direct remake for a loose adaptation with Bly Manor, a slow burn, but ultimately a deeply personal and satisfying tale of ghosts, both of the faced and faceless variety, intertwined with Gothic romance.
The returning players from the previous season, Victoria Pedretti (Dani), Oliver Jackson-Cohen (Peter Quint), Henry Thomas (Henry Wingrave), Carla Gugino (The Storyteller), and Kate Siegel (a surprise character in an excellent episode 8), bring back some of the winning chemistry from Hill House. However it’s the newcomers to the series, T’Nia Miller as Hannah Grose the housekeeper, Amelia Eve as Jamie the gardener, and Rahul Kohli as Owen the cook, whose standout performances ground Flanagan’s headier concepts, like the series’ mesmerizing fifth episode. It’s through these characters that Bly Manor poignantly articulates how love can be as much of a burden as it is a blessing. Not long after your Bly Manor binge is complete, Flora’s line, “You said it was a ghost story. It isn’t. It’s a love story,” will crystallize the throughline Flanagan was gunning for. And if that line isn’t a lasting memory of the limited series, perhaps it’s Owen’s lucious mustache, the best on TV in 2020, that will live on. 
– Chris Longo
14. Ted Lasso
In a relentlessly dark year, Ted Lasso was one of the few rays of sunshine that warmed our hearts. Its title character is so pleasant and optimistic, he makes Leslie Knope look like a curmudgeon by comparison. Folksy, thoughtful, and almost aggressively friendly, Jason Sudeikis’s Lasso is hired to lead a struggling English Premier League team in a move of sabotage, but ends up charming the pants off of the squad and proving the power of positivity. 
The character is practically impossible not to like, and in a time of so much anxiety and frustration, it’s refreshing to spend time with someone like Ted. The title coach isn’t the only reason to watch; the show features well-crafted characters with satisfying individual arcs, comforting, yet well-executed sports movie tropes, and funny fish out of water culture clash moments. Ted Lasso is a breezy, low-effort experience that makes you feel good. What more could you ask for in 2020? 
– Nick Harley
13. The Umbrella Academy
The first season of The Umbrella Academy was already a stellar achievement in adapting the gloriously weird Gerard Way/Gabriel Bá graphic novels, but season 2 took the show to another level in 2020. The varied reactions of the superpowered family to being stranded in 1960s Dallas were extremely enlightening and made the characters even more enjoyable with all of their quirks, flaws, and emotional depth.
Of particular interest was the manner in which Allison strove to lead a normal life with a husband that loved her despite the difficulties of being Black in the segregated South and her determination not to use her powers. Fan favorite character Ben also received a noble and inspiring arc that led to a completely new role for him in season 3. Although there are plenty of mysteries remaining, the unfolding backstory leaves us always wanting more of The Umbrella Academy. 
– Michael Ahr
12. The Great
“Russia must be saved, and I with it.” An occasionally true story from The Favourite co-screenwriter Tony McNamara, The Great is a satirical look at the rise of Russian monarch Catherine the Great (Elle Fanning, getting a chance to show off her comedic chops), from her arrival from Prussia as a naive teen bride to her time plotting the death of her husband, Emperor Peter III (Nicholas Hoult, seemingly having the time of his career). The Great is cutting, clever, and hilarious, but, like The Favourite before it, its true secret weapon lies in its moments of earnest emotion. 
The Hulu series revels in the often absurd nature of its subject matter, but not at the cost of ignoring the trauma and joys of its often gruesome world. The unpredictability of which kind of scene you will get next—absurd, deeply emotional, or both—creates a fantastic dramatic tension that sustains throughout the entire 10-episode first season, perhaps necessary in a story that, should it follow the broadest of historical strokes, the viewer knows will end in Catherine’s triumph. Huzzah! 
– Kayti Burt
11. Harley Quinn
This year, we found out the answer to a question that no one was really asking – “who would win: a big budget Birds of Prey DC spinoff movie starring Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn, or one small Harley Quinn-focused animated series that was seemingly about to be left for dead on the ailing DC Universe streaming service?” Harley Quinn won, for everyone who cared to investigate, as the show leveled up in season 2 by having the balls to let Dr. Harleen Frances Quinzel fall in love with her sardonic roommate Poison Ivy on screen and ditch any lingering feelings she had for the Joker, but for those not invested in the romance (they should go have a soup and rethink their priorities) there was so much else going on beyond deconstructing its central character.
Animated shows are typically seen as an immature, lesser form of entertainment than live-action series, but just imagining the creativity you’d need to come up with this many running jokes, in-jokes and meta jokes for the larger-than-life characters of Gotham is exhausting. There’s so much writing talent behind Harley Quinn that a third season wasn’t just expected, but demanded. And indeed, Harley Quinn will live on at HBO Max, but if it hadn’t happened, we’d do what the Doctor ordered and RIOT. 
– Kirsten Howard
10. BoJack Horseman
Through its superb six-season run, BoJack Horseman’s tonal brilliance came to be an expected fact of life. Early on, it was tempting to pull non-viewers aside, shake their shoulders, and yell in their face “No, you don’t get it! It’s an animated comedy about a horse that was a ‘90s sitcom, yes, but it’s also a searing exploration of depression, dysfunction, and the dismal nature of the human condition!” It’s to the show’s eternal credit that that stellar comedic/dramatic tightrope act became all but a given a few seasons in and the world adjusted to it thusly. But even with that level of familiarity and comfort, it’s jarring just how well the show pulls off that delicate formula in its final, and perhaps best season. 
BoJack Horseman season 6 premiered eight of its final 16 episodes in 2020’s first month and their dramatic resonance carried through the rest of the year. The story ends here as we always expected it might. BoJack’s past finally catches up to him, and when he becomes a pop culture pariah, he slowly begins to undo whatever progress he made throughout the series, culminating in a stunning penultimate episode where BoJack faces the infinite and meets up with all the figures in his life who died along the way. But it’s not until the show’s very end where the message comes into clear focus. BoJack has to start all over again, just like we all must from time to time. The difference this time is that the other people in his life are finally prepared to move on…possibly without him. “Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if this night was the last time we ever talked to each other?” BoJack says to Diane as they look up at the Hollywood night sky. Wouldn’t it be funny indeed. 
– Alec Bojalad
9. Legends of Tomorrow
There is no superhero TV show that has strayed as far from its superheroic roots than Legends of Tomorrow. Despite the fact that its full official title is quick to point out that this is indeed DC’s Legends of Tomorrow, you’d be hard pressed to find a DC show less overtly concerned about its comic book roots, or even with any synergistic responsibilities it may have to the other DC shows in its orbit. Sure, Supergirl, Black Lightning, The Flash, and Stargirl are great, and they’re note perfect representations of what makes those characters special, but Legends does everything those other shows do, but with far less recognizable characters, with far more laughs, and an effortlessly perfect ensemble cast boasting chemistry for days.   
No matter how high the reality-altering stakes, it all seems less important than watching the friendships between this crew of superheroic time traveling misfits. Legends of Tomorrow is everything good and hopeful and pure (ok, well…maybe not pure, especially where Matt Ryan’s John Constantine is concerned) about superhero shows without any of the baggage, and often without the superheroics. Always hilarious and often surprisingly touching, there’s not a single superhero team on the big or small screen that you’d rather actually hang out with. You don’t have to love superhero TV to love Legends, you just have to love TV. 
– Mike Cecchini
8. Schitt’s Creek
People who love Schitt’s Creek LOVE Schitt’s Creek. It’s almost become cult-like in its following, so the arrival of the sixth and final season felt like an event and the end of a journey not just for fans of the show but the stars themselves. Season six isn’t the best season of Schitt’s – it leans into the schmaltz and sentiment heavily and throws realism to the wind in favor of the absurd but if you’ve come this far with the displaced Rose family and the sometimes odd but overall endearing residents of Schitt’s Creek, you won’t be disappointed. 
All the major players get their arc. Alexis and Ted’s separation is heartbreaking, Moira’s Crows movie premiere is a hilarious mess, some of the Jazzagals almost join a cult… the season is packed with ridiculous scenarios in between many more moments of genuine sweetness as it gently guides its characters to an end. The finale comes together with David’s wedding to Patrick – a perfectly idiosyncratic affair in the Schitt’s Creek town hall. It’s a moving send off to which we’re all invited. 
This is a show about family and community, created by a real family – father and son Eugene and Daniel Levy (sister Sarah plays Twyla) – that spawned a community of fans. This might be the end of Schitt’s Creek but we can always re-visit. 
– Rosie Fletcher
7. Devs
Alex Garland’s unsettling, yet visually gorgeous science-fiction parables are always thought-provoking, but FX’s Devs asks bigger questions than any of the writer/directors previous projects. Do we determine our own fates? Does the multiverse exist? Can computers predict our future? Devs isn’t just heady techno-philosophical musings, it spends its runtime being a pretty satisfying corporate thriller, with our protagonist Lily (Sonoya Mizuno) investigating the mysterious disappearance of her boyfriend.
This is a somewhat scathing indictment on Silicon Valley culture, with a Google-esque tech company operating with unmatched power in the shadows. Featuring a moving dramatic performance from Nick Offerman and a star-making turn from Sonoya Mizuno, Devs is just as pretty, existentially threatening, and hard sci-fi as Garland’s beloved films Ex Machina and Annihilation. If you love thrillers, but are also interested in Quantum Theory, this was the limited series you’d been waiting for in 2020.
 – Nick Harley
6. The Mandalorian (READERS’ CHOICE)
Starting with its first season and extending into its improved second, The Mandalorian just works. Jon Favreau and Dave Filoni’s creation about the galaxy’s most beloved bounty hunter dad is the kind of forward-thinking Star Wars project that works perfectly on a streaming platform. 
If you’re a massive Star Wars nerd, The Mandalorian continues to provide plenty of Easter eggs and callbacks for you, but the show excels at being both a fun reentry point for fans fatigued with the sequels and prequels, and a standalone adventure series for viewers who don’t have much knowledge of Star Wars at all, deftly creating a string of sidequests in a galaxy far, far away that put you firmly in the beautiful Lone Wolf and Cub-like tale of Mando and Grogu as they fly toward an unknown future.
As we recently learned, there will come a time in the next few years when we will be simply drowning in Star Wars TV series, as ten(!) of them are in development, but for now, we get to really savor the intricate worldbuilding going on in The Mandalorian.
This is the way. 
– Kirsten Howard
5. The Boys
The Boys was a breakout hit when it first landed on Amazon’s streaming service, but when the series returned, there was a bit of a backlash from fans of the show who were enraged that some of its new episodes would arrive weekly, unlike the binge-ready first season. Luckily, Season 2 had so many “what the fuck” moments in store that the griping soon quietened down, and the show eventually found its stride again after a slow start. Our diabolical, supe-fighting team led by a rather distracted Billy Butcher dealt with one bonkers revelation about Vought International after another this season, while the Supes themselves battled with their own humanity, and both groups often found common ground where they least expected it. 
It’s really hard to pick a favorite moment from Season 2, but if you’ve forgotten how out there it was, let us present a wild bouquet that includes “Homelander angrily wanking over the city in the form of his own demented Bat-Signal”, “The Seven filming a very (very) thinly-veiled Zack Snyder-esque superhero movie that had undergone a Joss Whedon rewrite”, “a massive-dicked supe-in-captivity called Love Sausage”, and “a timid child getting confidently pushed off the roof of a house by his own beaming father”. And that’s without bringing up the whole “immortal Nazi” stuff that occasionally propelled the narrative into Verhoeven-level satirical territory.
There were things that didnt work about Season 2, and we can argue about them forever, but there’s one thing that everyone can agree on: if Antony Starr doesn’t get two armfuls of awards for his performance as Homelander, a fucking travesty has occurred. 
– Kirsten Howard
4. I May Destroy You
On a night out while writing the second series of her acclaimed sitcom Chewing Gum, Michaela Coel was drugged and sexually assaulted by strangers. What she did with that experience – alchemizing it into a wise and fearless TV drama about trauma and survival – was extraordinary. 
I May Destroy You is an extraordinary series. In it, Coel plays Arabella, a young writer also drugged and raped on a night out, while under pressure from publishers to follow up her hit book debut. With long-ranging flashbacks, the story moves through the next year in Bella’s life. We see her draw power from her new identity as a survivor and (often clumsily) navigate close friendships and new sexual relationships. She strays from likeability, changing in response to what happened, and in a transcendent, experimental finale, teaches herself how to live.
Coel is a bewitching lead with excellent support from Weruche Opia and Paapa Essiedu as Bella’s friends Terry and Kwame. This is no dreary misery memoir. It’s surprising, confrontational, often funny and always buzzing with life – a frank and much needed course correction for telling this kind of story on screen.
 – Louisa Mellor
3. What We Do in the Shadows
Over the past decade of television, we’ve come to expect a lot out of our TV comedies. Since the Emmy Awards now categorize just about anything that’s 30 minutes long as comedy, the genre is now home to things like shockingly dramatic coming of age tales, intensely personal narratives, and experimental structures. This evolving of the half hour format is a welcome one. At the same time, however, sometimes you just want to laugh.
Enter What We Do in the Shadows. In its remarkable 10-episode second season, this FX adaptation of Jemaine Clement and Taika Waititi’s movie of the same name made a serious case for itself as the funniest show on television. And it did so in shockingly simple fashion. In season 2, the character list remains short: just Nandor (Kayvan Novak), Laszlo (Matt Berry), Nadja (Natasia Demetriou), Guillermo (Harvey Guillen), and Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch) make up the show’s cast of characters for the most part (give or take a Mark Hamill or Nick Kroll). And that’s all they need. 
This year, the writers and performers all operate at the top of their game to make every possible plotline work and every character pairing sing. The comedic energy is top notch from the season’s opening “Resurrection” episode through midseason classics “Colin’s Promotion” and “On The Run” and all the way to the finale “Nouveau Théâtre des Vampires.”
– Alec Bojalad
2. Better Call Saul
The penultimate season of Better Call Saul was an absolutely brilliant run of episodes that perfectly set the stage for a climactic conclusion that looks to be every bit as heart-wrenching and explosive as the final season of parent series Breaking Bad. The show successfully introduced Lalo, perhaps the most charismatic and terrifying villain in Vince Gilligan’s Albuquerque, and merged the series’ seemingly disparate storylines by bringing fan-favorite Kim Wexler closer to the dangerous dealings of the cartel.  
It turns out that Jimmy becoming Saul wasn’t the tragedy that we should have been anticipating, it was Kim embracing the Saul way that we should have been worried about. The show’s strengths have always been its meticulous attention to details, fascination with processes, and humanistic view of exactly why someone like Jimmy McGill might break bad and become a dishonorable huckster like Saul Goodman. Those strengths only became more apparent in the thrilling, low-key heartbreaking fifth season.
 – Nick Harley
1. The Queen’s Gambit
Oftentimes when assessing the quality of TV shows, we talk about how “timely” they are. In fact, if you scroll back through this list, you will find at least a few instances of just such language. The appeal to Netflix’s stylish, thrilling limited series The Queen’s Gambit, however, is just how timeless it is. And in a year with plenty of timely TV shows, that distinction was enough to launch the show to the very top of our best-of list. 
Though we on the television side of Den of Geek are loath to call any rightful TV show an “x-hour movie,” there’s no denying that The Queen’s Gambit fits that mold. But this is not just any kind of filmic experience. It’s a throwback to a ‘70s and ‘80s style of simple, elemental storytelling that simply knows how to win over an audience. The beats of The Queen’s Gambit are predictable, but elegant and perfectly executed. Beth Harmon (the ethereal Anya Taylor-Joy) is a quiet, wide-eyed hero armed with one skill that can make the world care about her and in turn make her care about herself. 
So she uses that skill and assembles her tools – her King, Queen, Bishops, Knights, Rooks, and Pawns, to embark on a classical bildungsroman journey of self-discovery and chess dominance. Like a deftly executed chess game itself, each of The Queen’s Gambit’s seven episodes acts like a move on a chess board. Some moments are triumphs, some are defeats, and some are sacrifices. But they all lead into one definitive, enormously satisfying checkmate. 
– Alec Bojalad
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Other shows receiving votes: Animaniacs, Ozark, High Fidelity, Star Trek: Picard, The Last Dance, Mrs. America, Solar Opposites, The Hollow, Killing Eve, Noughts + Crosses, Outlander, Star Trek: Discovery, Vida, Saved by the Bell, Lucifer, Gangs of London, Mythic Quest: Raven’s Banquet, World on Fire, Crash Landing on You, Infinity Train, Locke & Key, McDonalds & Dobbs, Into the Night, The Good Lord Bird, The Last Kingdom, DuckTales, Little Fires Everywhere, Normal People, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, The Pharmacist, Doctor Who, Away, Dublin Murders, Great Pretender, The Babysitters Club, Tiger King, The Crown, Ramy, The Shivering Truth, Perry Mason, Keep Your Hands Off Eizouken!, The Undoing, Westworld, Doom Patrol, Stargirl, The Clone Wars, P-Valley, Bridgerton, Homeland, Stumptown, The Magicians, Bob’s Burgers, Primal, Jurassic World: Camp Cretaceous, Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist, Search Party, Roadkill, Raised by Wolves, The Flight Attendant, The Eric Andre Show, Defending Jacob, The Outsider, Julie and the Phantoms, Brave New World, Utopia, Carmen Sandiego, Brockmire, Somebody Feed Phil, Adventure Time: Distant Lands, Dead to Me, The Gift, Ghosts, YOLO: Crystal Fantasy, The 100, The Spanish Princess, I’ll Be Gone in the Dark, Adult Material, Fargo, Deadwater Fell, The Flash, Archer, Weird But True, Evil, Motherland: Fort Salem, Baghdad Central
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vidaandthecity · 7 years
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From Breakups to Wake Ups.
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“I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend”…
That was my jam. It’s the year 2000 and I’m laying in my room, old school stereo that lit up in neon blue lights this No Doubt hit was the sound track of my life. It was on repeat as I sang along with Gwen Stefani, rolos in my hair, smudged nail polish, trying to figure out what went wrong with this last guy, or the one before him. Was I cursed? Maybe. Or was it payback for the brujeria that I attempted on them.
What did I do wrong? Was I too demanding? Too soft? Did I say something out of pocket? Was I not pretty enough? Was I too sexy? Not sexual enough? Too smart? Too outspoken?
It’s a foolish and very dangerous line of questioning that all women expose themselves to at the end of a failed love affair. As of lately, my two younger sisters recently going through their own breakups; have gotten me thinking about my own past relationships and all the breakups that I experienced in my life especially in my 20’s.
If I told you that the post breakup me was always on some bad ass, fuck the world, dust myself off, whose next vibe; well that would just make me a bold faced liar. Some of these breakups, the ones involving men that had managed to love me or somehow had me convinced that I loved them, had broken me. Parts of me had eroded and dissolved with each break up. Parts of me that I thought could not be shattered were now drifting away in the Coney Island waters. This was my place of solace. These breakups made it impossible to trust, to fall in love with anyone other than the concept of love.  Ask me today if I’ve ever been in love. The answer might surprise you.
Now much wiser and slightly older, I feel for my sisters. I sympathize for both the one who feels nothing and the ones who feels it all deeply. I especially worry for the one who feels nothing, for being numb stunts growth.  Today I put myself in their shoes because I know what can come from these emotional waterfalls when you are young and inexperienced.
We never see how beautiful breakups are while we are knee deep in that shit crying into our pillows, deleting all his photos off our social media, or washing his scent out of our bed sheets. We see the beauty years later when we bump into that same miserable ex, still chasing the same miserable nothingness, looking like shit, and dating a younger bootleg version of us, because that’s all he feels worthy of.
The beauty of the breakup lies in the mending of self. Its attaining that aha moment; the quintessential “wake up” of the breakup.  The wake up that becomes that internal realization when that little voice is finally heard screaming at the top of its lungs, “Fuck him! I deserve better than this!!” We as women evolve with each break up. We get closer and closer to Mr. or Mrs. Right as we peel these ex-lovers off our skin. We begin to finally put a face, a voice, a style, a placement of ethics, family values, artistic vision and a moral code onto the ideal lover that would best suit who we are and what kind of love we long for. We begin to lay down our expectations of how we should be treated and how we deserved to be loved.  We slowly prioritize our self-esteem and guard our hearts with a dignified glory. And we finally demand that these needs be met as we deliver ourselves once again.
In my early 20’s I dated an aspiring rapper. Ahhh … the always desirable and never attainable musician, a weakness in the long list of men that quickly show us the harsh realities of dating and even harsher realities of uncoupling. Lets call him Josh.  Josh was a very materialistic, egotistical, broken man, who struggled with his sense of self.  Of course when you think you’re in love you do not see these things till way after the damage is done. In my eyes, he was a talented aspiring musician, with a romantic side and a nice smile.
I fell for Josh at a time when my personal life was chaotic. My father had been arrested, all the family truths had finally been exposed, we were in financial ruins, and my family was about to move to Florida. So of course I clung to Josh in all his cold, dry, and disconnected splendor. And his dream of being a famous rapper became my dream. I left Florida and came to NY to be with him, and the rest was dating disaster history.
As I plunged into helping him with his dream, burning cds, selling cds, going to his late night shows that always took place in seedy bars with bad music I began resenting him more and more. But as you know ladies, we try to glue things back together. So I held on in hopes that it could be fixed, in hopes that this was not broken.
One day Josh was getting all dapper for what had now become his weekly hometown trips to Connecticut (trips that I was never invited to.) Straight out of the shower I saw him do something I had never peeped before. He had taken his bottle of cologne and doused himself with the good smells. But one move in particular caught my eye. As I’m watching him spray himself, standing naked in front of the mirror, I see him take a final spray to his privates. And as if I was in a movie with a slow motion special effect, it finally hit me, “Oh my god this asshole is cheating on me.”
I said nothing. I let him go to Connecticut. I knew without knowing that there was someone else. At his return, tired from his trip he passed out in the middle of the day, as I was cleaning. An hour into his nap his cell phone began to buzz and buzz and buzz. In my naiveté I looked at his phone, (which I never did) because I really thought maybe there was an emergency, his mom was sick, or something terrible had happened.
And there were the text messages sprawled out before me.  “I can’t wait to see you again.” “I had a great time with you last night.” “I’m starting to fall in love with you.”
Now what follows is exactly why I chose this break up to write about over any other one. And trust me there were many to choose from. But out of the men I dated, out of all the separations I had, this man Josh, was the meanest, the coldest, the most emotionally ruthless, careless, and callous man I had ever encountered. This might not sound surprising, but you just take into account that I dated all kinds of men. Criminals, drug dealers, ivy league scholars, business owners, wealthy, poor, artists, musicians, all nationalities, older men, younger men, even religious men. And out of all of these men, his approach to ending our shindig was the cruelest. And in that cruelty I reaped the greatest rewards.
When confronted, despite the hurt in my eyes and the tears that rolled down my face, Josh flew into me with a rage I had never seen. A rage because I had the audacity to go through his phone, rage for getting caught, rage for being confronted with who he really was, and a rage because whether or not he loved me, a part him knew that he would never find another woman as loyal as me. Word.
He quickly and boastfully owned it.  Exclaiming with his arms in the air, “Yeah I’m cheatingI Yeah I fucked her! What are you gonna do about it? Oh and by the way, I don’t love you anymore!” I smile now remembering it because he wanted so bad to break me, yet all he managed to do was release me.
Unfortunately, because we were living together he needed about a week to find a place and leave. I had packed all his shit in boxes that laid piled up in the hall way. During that time he did everything in his power to sprinkle salt in my wound, like openly talking to this new girl in front of me making sure I heard everything that was said. Reminding me how he had been wanting to leave me and break things off, how he was never in love with me and so on.
On our last day together, after he had moved the last of his belongings, he wanted to have a final conversation with me. He sat me on the bed as he held a present wrapped in green foil. He starts, “Look, no hard feelings.  Things just didn’t work out. Don’t hate me. I even got you a present.” I take the box with no intentions of opening it. He insists I open it in front of him.  I open the box to find a dildo. I was shocked that he would stoop that low to get a rise out of me. He smiles and says, “ I got it similar to my shape and size, so you wont miss me as much, “ and marched out the door smiling ear to ear.
For a long time I was afraid to tell anyone that story. I thought it was a reflection of me somehow. Like for a dude to diss and disrespect me to that major galore level maybe there was something wrong with me. I know better now.  I now tell that story proudly with my head held high. I wrote a poem about it and this article which I hope will remind all the ladies who are now going through a tough breakup just how lovely and amazing they are and how they deserve to be with someone who sees that beauty as well.
I know now that this was all about him and what an insecure and damaged man he was. I now know that I dodged a major bullet and from that moment on I instantly knew how to spot, identify and totally avoid people like him.
Years later he attempted multiple times to add me on social media, to befriend me and reconnect. A request I never entertained. Not because I haven’t forgiven him, I forgave him many years ago; but because toxic people do not deserve any space in my universe. A lesson he taught me well. Thanks, Josh. As you can imagine he never became a famous rapper. In his thirst for fame and money, he got as close to it as he could by managing video girls. How fitting.
Breakups are not easy. They can be downright ugly, vicious, and painful.  If you’re fortunate enough to break up with your best friend consider yourself one of the lucky ones.  If you break up with the devil, well it’s a much bumpier road. But both roads lead to self-discovery and the ultimate wake up! Both roads lead to a newfound freedom and womanhood.  And sure enough, both roads lead to being that awesome, bad ass, fuck the world, dust myself off, whose next type of chick… And everybody wants to date her!!!
*** image courtesy of google
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