#you validated me daily over this month and honestly

[sprinklewinkles]

im going to post my thoughts here too... Genuine thoughts to the UC changes. From my perspective. For context i own 16 ucs, that i have gotten via trades, gifts and adoption apps. My first UC, given to me as gift, to trade (which i kept) in March 2019. I have 1 VWN UC the rest are DN -> VBN name formated. To put it out there. I think im okay with this.

My UCs i havnt owned for as long some other folks around for sure, and honestly in the time that ive been trading the announcement that UCs are "coming back" in some form had been around since 2021. So my PC trading period had been spent more in the years leading upto this release vs not.

Trading for UCs was honestly a blast, ive met so many cool people and made many friends over the years. Many whom i speak on a daily basis still. Though it was tough. It was had as fuck. When you start with nothing (i joined neo my first account april 2008. 1 year after conversion) there were so many points in time where i wanted to quit and give up and just convert my UCs pound them and close my accounts. I trained like 5 pets to lv 250 1500hsd. To trade into ucs with. I timer trained with NC training cookies, had FQCs going aswell and ruined my sleep schedual for months. Just to have the quickest outcome to jump into UCs again to work toward the goal of the cat clowder. I dont regret it. And pending on the price of the NC tokens for the upcoming UCs release, i could wager i have spent more NC on training and quest cookies to BD train pets to break into UCs with VS what the tokens will cost. But i had fun doing it! And updating the friends at the time with the progress and where i was going with it!

Honestly i would never wish upon anyone to do the grind to work for an UC it was all consuming (an addictive personality doesnt help here lol) I cannot even bring myself to train pets now, like i have had Sprinkle since Nov 2019 she had lv100 and 300hsd when i first got her. I only got her to lv250 late last year. And shes ment to have been my main BD this whole time. The burnout of the grind was so real. And the struggle and obsessive hours spent trying to work toward a funny little creature. So yeah i dont wish it on anyone. I wish for it to be easier for folks to get their cool art pet, bc not everyone has been as lucky as me to get UCs.

I see alot of folks saying as soon as they get the token they will be pounding their less then VWN UCs in favour of a name they create etc. Which is so valid for starters. But idk the BN names have so much charm. And ppl talk abt UCs liking the nostalgia factor with this change, But like the nostalgia factor could also b the name too. Like SprinkleWinkles is so cute. DN by PC standards. Stinky_minky_2004 has so much funny charm but BN. I wanna know what was stinky in 04 for a kid to make this pet. Love_u_4ever like i just have the name nostalgia w them. I choose my UCs for the names first. Theyre all just funny and make me smile. But the other way is so valid too. Im not discrediting that either. And old pets get a trophy too. Im assuming if theyre older than conversion so april 27th 2007. Which isnt a bad thing!

Idk ive waffled on. But i think im happy w the change and UCs being more accessible. Esp if theyre going to be at a good price point, which a comment from tnt ivy saying she was "plesently surprised" with the price from her as a PCer player whos going to buy them. Going to be providing critical but constructive feedback on thin lined UCs as they come out though cause those will likely be the most changed UCs.

Ive been so done with UC trading for years. And im so ready to get my final 3 UC cats and complete my clowder x3 And im so ready to see other folks get their goal UCs and funky lil pets

#neopets #neotag #main tagging this baby #these were my thoughts from twitter but might aswell post em here too #im ready to legally buy ucs

[fitzrove]

Akflflg hot take. The most annoying kind of reaction to media is when people assume that depicting prejudice (lampshading it!) is the same thing as being prejudiced. No, D*nna T*rtt writing about elitism and racism doesn't mean she's advocating for it - in TSH she is picking apart a privileged academic culture for all to see and pointing out that people who contribute to that kinda suck actually. No, Em*rald F*nnell portraying rape culture and violence against women (and men [almost] going "unpunished") on screen doesn't mean she advocates for those things, it just means she's making a comment on the kind of society we live in. No, Michael Kunze portraying explicit antisemitism on stage doesn't mean he's an antisemite - if people looked at the framing of Hass for even one second they would Get The Point (= hey guys did you know that the late 19th century wasn't a fairytale time to live in because it actively led up to the 20th, and did you know that this kind of rhetoric is still common today and yet many people are "blind and mute" to it and don't care enough to work to stop it). I do understand criticisms of the number (ie. it being triggering) and I don't mean to speak over people who are discomforted by it (or feel that it's tokenizing oppression etc - valid points to be made, and as the number is not about prejudice against my background, I will defer to ppl more affected than me), but I truly think that for people not personally affected by the prejudice portrayed in it, there's a responsibility to see it and reflect. You don't get to clean it up to make the show more family-friendly or comforting. It's not intended to be a feel-good escapist experience even though the marketing masquerades it as one.

Also separate rant that I go on every month or so. Like omfg I just really dislike Conspiracy. It makes Rudolf a useless hack 😂💀 Like I'm sure Hungarians irl enjoy their independence but it's not the point of the show akflpdkgpel. If Die Schatten werden länger (reprise) is not explicitly about the anxiety brought on by the seemingly unstoppable rise of fascism that nobody else seems to care to stop it, I don't want it and it's pointless. And that's what it was about originally...

Portraying evil/oppression/prejudice - especially evil things that people tend to shrug off and minimize in their daily lives because it feels too insidious and widespread for them to bother to fight it - is a pretty central thing in art that has a message, and it's honestly such a dumb take to go "omg why would they write about that, that's so [type of prejudice]" in cases where the CENTRAL THESIS OF THE WORK is "x is bad, it's real and exists in the world we live in, and the general public isn't doing enough to stop it". That kind of reaction shows that you just legit can't read and would rather have random "Good Representation" (which can also be important! But while representation has its place, it's not enough to just have random unaddressed diversity if you want to change people's mindsets) than a work that actually criticises the status quo, points out unaddressed privileges and prejudices, and makes a meaningful point.

#inspired by annoying posts i've seen on tumblr especially from ppl who claim to be big tsh fans #😂💀💀💀 i'm such a mean hater #rant #like as much as i rant about heterosexualization in media - in elisabeth the antif*scism is more important than the homosexuality sorry #like musical rudolf has two (2) personality traits which are 1) gay 2) anti-authoritarian/anti-oppression. remove one and he loses purpose #and the way rudolf's motivations are shown is the contextualizing songs: hass & streit vater und sohn (and sometimes conspiracy....) #and you shouldnt put conspiracy cos it adds this bizarre historically inaccurate nationalist interlude #aokfpsg anyway rant over #😂

[goldazu]

Hiatus Update Notice

Hello, everyone. Long time, no talk. I know over a month has passed since most of you have even heard from me. There isn’t a particularly valid reason for this other than that sometimes I need space for myself, and I need time for my other hobbies and communities as well.

As most of you may have already surmised before my long period of silence, I was very much drawn to the new Pokemon games and still am, to be honest. Truth told, I have a whole server dedicated to my Pokemon friends and those who just want to game in general with me. Although I still love DL and am still just as, if not more obsessed with Ruki than ever, there was a time when writing as often and as much as I did burnt me out, honestly. I needed this break.

Not to sound like I'm complaining about how "popular" I am or anything, but it came to a point when many people were showing off their creations, whether it was art or new writing to me, and simply wanting to chat OOC in addition to the long RP threads and asks that I was also doing. Eventually, I felt as though I was just answering and replying people just to answer them. I didn't want to show my support for my friends' hard work by simply being like "that's neat" then move on, if that makes sense. Outside of Tumblr, I still had a life to attend to which also kept me busy.

I do appreciate that everyone was always eager to interact with me and send their wonderful OCs off to Ruki for their daily fill of shenanigans, angst, spice, or what have you. Yet at the same time, there were moments when I felt somewhat pressured to answer a lot of things in a short time frame, or was written off as remiss for my lack of participation with certain events. For that, I deeply regret not being there, but I also think I was there as much as any one person could be given that I was always writing with 20-30 other people at the same time.

Don't get me wrong—I really do miss roleplaying with everyone, and chatting with you all as well. It's just that I've fallen very behind on who I need to reply to, both DMs and thread-wise. It began to feel mentally taxing, but I hope to finally catch up when I'm in a better place. And I will always sincerely appreciate how many people on this website admire me for my canon portrayal of Ruki. I've always tried to keep it 100% fair on my blog and interact with people the same amount, regardless of how many asks or threads they try to start. Some of you would try to keep it to one thread at a time, whereas others had quite a few going with me, and both are fine. I just need to make it clear that, given the high volume of people interacting with my blogs, I won't always have a lightning-fast reply speed.

As for where I've been, my Pokemon community and discord server is honestly such a great place. Everyone there is super chill, and we hop onto voice call every other day to be sweaty gamers, lmao. I've connected with people I really respect these days, and while Ruki provides his support and care during his rare moments of sweetness amidst the sadism, I've been looking to my close friends for care, too.

Anyway, it was never my intention to worry anyone here with my prolonged absence. I hope to always stick around here on Tumblr, whether my activity is one post per day or thirty when I'm feeling energetic. It really all depends. Take care and stay well.

[bucky-h0e]

A/n: Sam is now apart of the family! I am taking requests for this. I have a lot of scenarios lined up for this series and am very excited for it! I am creating a taglist so if you enjoy it and would like to get notified, please make sure ot ask!

Feedback is always welcome!

Serendipity Masterlist

Main Masterlist

How Sam met Alpine

It wasn't like Bucky was keeping Alpine a secret from Sam

No, it was the fact that for the longest time, Sam was sure Bucky got a cat

Bucky talked about Alpine a lot, normally just to vent about the weird ass shit she got up to

he thought it was pretty obvious that she was his neighbour

but I guess starting every daily conversation with "hey guess what Alpine did today..." like a proud stage mom doesn't help

It started off when Sam and Bucky had gone out for drinks a couple of weeks after Bucky and Alpine had their first 'family' dinner

"Alpine knocked over a few glasses today, just out of the blue. Completely for no reason."

"Shit happens i guess."

the next day, there was another thing

"So, Alpine just comes over and smacks my arm, like i was the one in the wrong. I didn't even do anything!"

sam laughs it off

"Kids these days man" Sam thinks it a funny joke because Bucky is a cat-dad

Bucky is confused because should a 21 year old just be smacking men?

is that a crime?

A few weeks later, they're training with the shield and Bucky shares more stories during their break

"I bought some straws, just cause my teeth were getting sensitive, with ice - shut the fuck up Sam, I know you have those weird ass straws that look like glasses - anyway, Alpine just keeps chewing them. Nothing else, just chewing."

Sam is starting to think that Bucky is going to start an Instagram account for this cat

"I also bought a plant yesterday, I went to the store for milk, came back and it had a bite mark in it."

"A bite mark?"

"Alpine BIT my plant. It's dead. She's a murderer Sam."

Honestly, Sam thought that either Bucky had never met a cat before

OR

Bucky adopted a crackhead instead of a cat

(little does he know, that's exactly what happened)

"So I wake up at 2AM yeah, there she is. Stood over me, staring at me, nibbling on a chip."

"Dude, get an exorcist or something, jesus christ"

Honestly, Sam was happy for Bucky

truly, he was

BUT if he had to hear anymore stories about this damn cat

he was going to sign up for a long mission abroad

maybe Greece

Athens

they have crimes, right?

And for a while, it was silent

Sam had invited Bucky to a family cookout and Bucky seemed to enjoy himself

he was getting along with Sam's family

playing with his nephews

honestly, he seemed happy

at the end of the day though, there was the mention of that damn cat

"Next time, I'll bring Alpine. She'd love this."

"That and she shouted at me for leaving her out."

he probably just meant that she was meowing and hissing at him

he suddenly liked this cat

i mean, how bad could it be if it was hissing at Bucky

then again

what was this sudden obsession with a cat

it was a bit worrying

it wasn't like it was a person he could talk to and laugh with

not like a friend

Bucky was on his way to become the crazy old cat lady from the 1940s

and as much as Sam wanted to see it

Steve would have killed him if he let Bucky do that to himself

a few months later, Sam decided to see what this whole weird relationship was between Bucky and his cat

see if he needed an intervention or something

of course Bucky was confused when there was a knock on the door

Alpine would have just burst in (she'd gotten very confident that he wouldn't just throw her out of the door)

it would be incredibly valid

he's even more confused when he opens it to Sam holding a packet of cat treats and a pack of beer

"Thought i'd drop in and see the little furball"

"furball- what?" it's too late

Sam is already walking around the flat going pspspsppsps

he's actually quite offended that Alpine didn't greet him at the door

what was her dad teaching her?!

"Sam... what are you doing."

"I'm calling for the devil, obviously"

"The devil? Sam-"

"Here kitty kitty"

HONESTLY

these men have zero communication skills

it's only when the devil herself walks into Bucky's flat holding a bunch of receipts that Sam looks at Bucky worriedly

who the fuck was this girl

why is she walking into his apartment

uninvited

holding receipts

"Hey Buck, I know thinks may have changed since the 40s but like... what are taxes and how do I pay them."

WHO IS THIS WOMAN?!

Bucky looks physically drained already

"Kid... have you not been paying your taxes?"

"Have you?"

"YES! IT'S ILLEGAL NOT TO!"

the girl deadass scoffs

"Ha, okay mr winter soldier."

"kid i sWEAR TO GOD"

she just mocked-

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS KID

"Who are you?"

"Oh! Falcon, Sam Wilson right? I'm Alpine."

Bucky rolls his eyes

He will find out her real name

one day

"You're human."

"..."

"..."

"I hadn't noticed that, thank you."

slowly, Sam haned her the cat treats and she just nodded

though she looked at Bucky like

wtf

is this an avengers thing?

is she being indoctrinated?

she cant fight

she would literally die

she has the fighting capability of a raw pork sausage

the most she could do was T pose at them

"Thank.... you?"

"I thought you were a cat..."

a moment of silence

".... why?"

"I mean... there was the time you knocked over the glasses"

"they were disgusting, it was a mercy killing"

"you bit his plant"

"Killed my plant"

"i didn't like the way it was looking at me, it was giving very Loki in 2012 trying to take over Stark tower vibes."

"plants... plants don't have eyes"

"And Loki was just a myth, now here we are."

Sam can't put his frustration into words and Bucky is grinning

because FINALLY

someone else gets to deal with this kid

"Buck I thought you had a cat"

"I'm allergic to cats Sam"

Of course he is

he couldn't have just gotten a dog

or a bird

maybe even a lizard

but no

he had to just adopt a random kid

a random kid.... that was trying to eat cat treats

"HEY!"

Bucky never turned so quickly to grab the packet of treats

"Alpine, no!"

honestly she's pissed

she just wanted to do her taxes

then she met Sam

but then he presented her with the chance to eat some cat treats?

she was just curious

intrusive thoughts always win with Alpine

damn

sulking, she sits herself down on the couch, watching as Bucky chucks the treats on the chair next to it

Sam stands with his arms crossed, still confused as hell

"What kind of a name is Alpine? You some sort of agent or something? Or are your parents just weird?"

"bro i don't know, ask bucky"

Sam looks scandalised

Bucky named a random girl in his building

"Bucky wtf man"

"Not like that, it sounds weird when you say it like that"

"Buck a random kid just walks into your- WHY IS SHE EATING THE CAT TREATS?!"

Bucky has never tackled anyone so fast

"ALPINE!"

Sam can't believe his eyes

he didn't know if a cat was better or worse

but, he had to admit

watching Bucky struggle, in all his super soldier strength, to get Alpine to stop eating things designed for animals?

that shit was entertaining

It was obvious that they were close

fighting like siblings

Bucky cared enough about her to make her stop eating shit not meant for humans

Bucky seemed happy

and that was good enough for Sam

besides

they could terrorise this man together and never get bored

#bucky barnes imagine #bucky imagine #bucky barnes fluff #bucky and alpine #alpine the cat #alpine #bucky barnes #bucky and sam #bucky fanfic #bucky fluff #bucky barnes series #james barnes #james bucky barnes #winter soldier fluff #winter soldier #winter soldier fic #the falcon and the winter soldier #sam wilson #falcon #mcu bucky barnes #mcu fic #mcu imagine #marvel cinematic universe

[theambitiouswoman]

I’m new to being back on Tumblr after a lot of years. Your page is everything I used to aspire to do on a platform. I really admire your take on things.

The last year has really put me through a lot. I had a baby in December, my partner and I have both been battling our mental health (he’s bipolar and I have BPD), and in May after 27 years, I found my birth family. This was great for all of 5 seconds, but soon unraveled a very deeply traumatized line of ancestors on both sides- including my dad being unalived by my grandfather before he unalived himself 20 years ago next month.

There’s a lot of other daily nuances I could go into but essentially- I just feel totally taken over by depression, anxiety and a never-ending feeling of being overwhelmed.. and as many times as I feel like I’ve gotten myself out of a bad headspace, this time just feels so overpowering and it’s really ruining my relationship and my family in the process. My boyfriend doesn’t often have the capacity to be emotionally supportive because he’s got his own stuff going on, and I’m in a state with no friends or family around to feel like I can turn to anyone else. We both work full time, don’t have off days together and on all of my off days I have the baby by myself.

Do you have any suggestions based off what I’ve shared as to what I could do to find my way back to myself and a more positive place? I feel like I wake up most days and immediately start complaining and by the evening I’m isolating myself to the bedroom and crying myself to sleep. I just don’t want to be this version of myself anymore.

Thank you so much! I am very humbled 💗

Congratulations on your baby!!!

All of your experiences this past year, good or bad can take a toll on anyone emotionally. That was a lot to hit you with after the other. Any person would be drained especially when we do not have the opportunity to process them.

With that, I want to say that from the outside, it seems like your life revolves around everyone else but you. Like you lost yourself a bit. And that is not really fair for you. But that is okay. Happens to the best of us <3 All of these things aside from i'm sure daily problems and nuisances can alone exhaust us and take a toll on our mental health. Remember that, for us to give the best to others, we have to first give it to ourselves. I know we want and need support. You are not wrong for it. Unfortunately a lot of times we won't get it. The truth is, we need to learn how to be our own support system too. This might sound unfair and hard, totally. It probably is. But it helps build you up. And I think this is where you are currently at with yourself?

These negative thoughts and feelings are going to continue to live there until you decide to take an active role in your life. Not making it about everyone else, and the feelings they provoke in you. If you truly want to change your current reality, you need to decide to and commit. You need to reframe the story you are currently telling yourself. Even if you feel like you are lying to yourself in the beginning. if you know you wake up complaining then that tells me you are already aware of it. Your position would be to realize when you are about to do it, stop yourself, and change your thought pattern into something positive. Start practicing this with every negative thought or action you have through out the day. Start by accustoming yourself to become aware of it all. Even if we mess up, auto correct yourself immediately. Seriously. Remember that the more negativity we project, even valid, is what we will continue to get back. Nothing changes if we do not change. I would recommend finding healthier ways for you to express your negative emotions. Journaling is great honestly because not only can you vent, but you can analyze and create possible solutions. It is very good to let our feelings out, especially understand them past the problem at hand, but it is not good to make them our whole life.

You can regain control of your life and this narrative you are living in the second you decide and commit to. Sounds easy, and it is. It is easy to understand, but hard to implement. It is also very worth it.

Sometimes things do not happen to us, they happen for us. Changing your life starts with you. Do not let these feelings, people, experiences turn you into someone you are not. It is literally YOUR LIFE. Remember how amazing you are, it is time.

[strawberryfaced]

i don’t know about u but i relate to each and every one of the owl house characters so much. and they make me feel safe on a different level. and it’s not like id ever type a 15 page long essay about it what do you mea

thinking about when Amity stopped herself from watching Luz’s video without her permission despite being immensely worried. thinking about when she confronted Luz and made sure to communicate first and comforted her instead of accusing her of stuff and how Healing it was for me to watch that. thinking of Lumity’s enemies to lovers and how obsessed i was and how completed i felt. this ship meant so much to me no one will ever know. forever the kiss scene the animation the dialogue everything i will cry thinking about it Every Time 

thinking about Willow and Gus’s friendship. thinking about them so hard. i personally relate to both Willow and Gus soooo strongly. Willow is me in so many aspects: the therapist friend, kind of underestimated, sort of the mom but also cradled as the child and Gus is just a silly guy as well as the smallest one in the friend group which i highly relate to. strangers tell me and my twin sister apart by me being smaller than her and my friends call me short and small on a daily basis. okay and them together is Crazy. i loved the way they met and Willow’s tactic to calm down ive been using for a few months now whenever i have a really bad day. and it genuinely helps so Fucking much so i will forever owe that to TOH. i think my dream will always be to have friends like the two of them 

don’t Even fucking get me started on King and Eda and Hooty and Luz and the actual owl house. my home actually. they mean the absolute most to me out of the whole show. when they reunited in s3 i cried for a good hour. im shedding a tear writing this. oh my fucking god i don’t know what it is about them but their found family thing they have going on is insane. they will honestly forever mean more to me than the hexsquad. no words will explain how much like home they feel to me. on my worst days i imagine being there. oh MY GOSH OH MY GOD AND WHEN EDA SAID “alright, kid. listen to me. im going away, and i don't know if i can bounce back this time. watch over King, remember to feed Hooty. and Luz, thank you for being in my life”. top 10 hardest times i cried. I sobbed so hard my chest hurt. 

ok next Hunter. to be honest i was never the biggest fan of him merely because of how over hyped he was by the fandom just because they all had crushes on him but he’s genuinely such a cool guy. he was such fucking good representation and idk but the way we got to watch him form relationships with everyone. it was beautiful. and i heavily relate to him despite him being a sort of grouchy dude and me being an overexcited puppy. he’s got this gifted kid burnout and obsession with validation vibe that is identical to mine and it means a lot to me to see my weirdest most annoying toxic traits seen in him

okay as you can tell im unhealthily attached to this show. these paragraphs are kind of silly but i don’t think anyone will Ever Ever understand no matter how many words i write . i remember starting the show in quarantine and being so obsessed with it and staying in bed all day. i had to hold in my smiles all the time it was exhausting. one time i tried to explain the show to my sister and i cried and couldn’t stop. it’s been a while since it’s ended but i still think about it on a weekly basis. 

#the owl house #TOH #forever my soul. forever my love

[artemissaggezza]

To my Darling Tumblrinas. Friends, foes, and frenemies alike,

I reach out to you now to do one of the hardest and most terrifying things I have ever done: ask for help. Doing so has never been easy for me (if I explained all the reasons why I could literally write you a TLDR dissertation 😂).

Right now, my wife (@starlghtstarbrite) and I need it more than we ever have. Life is hard for everyone. It has been hard for us too. But she and I have always found a way through. We have survived so much together.

We managed to leave an abusive situation (albeit with a stab wound, nerve damage, concussions and horrible cases of PTSD). The physical trauma from this has left permanent scars for both me and my wife. Every day since then I have lived in severe, sometimes incapacitating pain. Being 12 years sober (😁) this is really hard to manage. My wife has nerve damage she will never recover from and phantom pain on a daily basis. I don't even know how much debt we're in because of this. Honestly, we are both terrified to check.

Beyond the physical shit, the emotional trauma from this has led to at least $10,000 in mental health treatment. Sometimes it was just therapy. But most of the time it was specialized treatment for Bipolar disorder, PTSD, and atypical anorexia leading me to be away from home and out of work for months at a time.

I started treatment for my eating disorder (for the 5th time) a year ago at this time. While I was in treatment my wife lost her job after the company realized they didn't need to pay someone to do her job when AI could do it for free. Bullshit, right?

If you can believe it, I lost my job in the beginning of December for even shittier reasons. Background: I used to work for the largest academic/licensure examination company in the world. I will probably get in trouble if I say their actual name, so I'll give you a hint. If you have ever needed to get licensed for your job, you'll know them as the intimidating people who watch you while you take exams and do "security checks" that make you feel like you're being arrested. For any students out there, they're probably the publisher of some of your most expensive text books and study guides. It rhymes with "ShmEARSON" 😂.

I literally got fired for accidentally LETTING A TOOTHPICK into the testing room. I was accused of "intentionally defying" my boss's "orders" by not following protocol exactly (this was after my male coworker had been accused of sexual harassment four times and still had a job).

Because of this, my wife and I are facing eviction in three days. And have nowhere to go. My parents are emotionally abusive and my wife's mother still introduces me as her "roommate". We've been living off of black beans and rice for a month because we don't have money for food. Nevermind our meds, that even with insurance (which I no longer have) cost hundreds of dollars a month.

Over the years we have struggled and been dealt a lot of bad hands of poker. But we've always managed to bluff our way out of it. We put our faith in each other and pretend there is a light at the end of the endless tunnel, at the top of the bottomless pit. Every now and then we've even been able to run two damp sticks together and make our own light.

But this time our bluff has been called. We've run out of sticks to rub together. Without help and support we won't be able to light the torch that leads us through the abyss and into hope.

So, here I am. Embracing vulnerability and asking for help. I know times are tough all around. So even knowing that my story has been read and validated is a great comfort to me.

If you're moved by our story, relate to it, or see yourself in it and would like to help out my CashApp is below.

I would also like to offer you the chance to get something in return, if you want. I have a lot of random skills I'm more than willing to offer.

I'm an artist (think Jackson Pollock style), an academic writer (specialization: psychology, criminal justice, sociology, statistical analysis and all the associated citation styles), an editor/proofreader, and a poet. Among a host of other bizarre things lol.

I know this was long AF and I do apologize. Mostly though, if you had the drive, compassion and attention span to get all the way down here I AM DAMN IMPRESSED. And more grateful than you could ever imagine.

Thank you, each and every one of you. For hearing my words and seeing me.

CashApp: $ArtemisSaggezza

#art for sale #my truth #being vulnerable #need hope #need help #light at the end of the tunnel

[godimmiserable]

welcome fuckers <3

My co-star today asks, "what is the source of your trust issues?" Honestly, for an app known to fuck with people, I feel weirdly comforted by the daily updates I get. That's the age-old question I have been trying to understand lately. By understanding, I mean avoiding and rationalizing my way to a very shallow conclusion. As you'll find out, I am incredibly avoidant. I choose denial over the opportunity for proper growth. If I was journaling right now, I would talk about the people in the past, my family, or my mental health. It would be a very long and draw out conversation. You wouldn't get bored because that level of dysfunction is bound to create exciting stories. However, the answer is straightforward: I don't want people to understand me before I get a chance to understand myself. Perception can feel controlling if you haven't reached stable self-esteem, and I haven't. I'm learning to take constructive criticism, but it's more than that. It is the misinterpretation of how I act vs. how I understand things about myself. We have been learning about this in my communication class; if the way others perceive you doesn't match how you perceive yourself, it can harm your self-image and esteem.

I don't trust people because asking someone to learn everything about me and still think I have room to grow and be better is like a poker game. I have to have the best poker face to persuade people to take a risk on me, but if I don't know myself, how can they know what they risk by getting to know me? Trying to find myself has felt endless, and I think that's the way it's intended to be. Still, I don't know if I can adapt quickly enough to all the changes I am bound to experience throughout my life. It's unfathomable. So distracting myself feels easier.

I haven't had the opportunity to write in a while. Not because I didn't want to but because I couldn't. I suppose I told myself I couldn't. There's a lot I need to talk about to understand who I am now because of what I have been through and who I want to be when I learn to accept that part of my life. I recently started taking a new approach to love and building and securing relationships with new people. I'm taking it one step at a time. At each stage, I evaluate where my boundaries lie, if they're being crossed, how the person makes me feel, why I have difficulty staying consistent, and how they can be what I need. That started with my celibacy journey about 11 months ago. Even saying it out loud makes me feel crazy. Not because I did it, but that I have lasted this long. A lack of sex makes reinforcing my boundaries a lot easier. I want to have sex, but what's the point if that person isn't what I need? After months of talking to duds, I deleted my tinder and cleared my entire roster. Tinder has always been hard for me because it has always acted as a constant tool for validation. One day I realized I didn't need it anymore; more than that, I didn't want it. 

I have not been as successful as I would like in my friendships. I forget that friends are supposed to be a means of support when things are hard. They are there to learn, love and accept. I have a hard time understanding this concept because I have befriended people who didn't care about those things. The people I have met recently are the opposite. The people I have become friends with have healed me. Yet, when things go south, I grieve alone. I'm terrified that judgment and disdain will be followed after I vent, but I know my friends wouldn't do that. I am trying to figure out how to conceptualize this. 

In the meantime, I am going to write more. This has always been how I come to terms with how things are. It's how I keep track of memories I can't grasp now. I've been talking to someone who said writing is everything to them. Writing is everything to me. It's the one thing I have understood, whether my words or someone else's. Books have provided me the comfort no human has, and writing is the blanket that keeps me warm. I stopped writing because the pain you feel when writing about the things you loved can't be unwritten. My thoughts have always been transparent when I write; it is the one place where I have never been afraid, to be honest. So get ready for my crazy, chaotic, lonely life; I am ready to talk about it.

[fuumiku]

Wip. I do want to finish this, i really enjoy doing even digital art of Metal, digital which is usually painstaking for me to do, and I’ve got sooo many angst art pieces of him in the works lol

But this is vent art. And I’m thinking it can be a nice opportunity to give an update on myself? And have a talk about flowergore, machines, sketches and disability, because I’m in that kinda mood

I didn’t want to put a read more split on this post but it became too long to comfortably fit on my blog, so alas... Life doesn’t often go as planned, yeah?

Cw for the next paragraph, just skip if these make you uncomfortable, or if you want to go straight to the flowergore & metal convo: discussion of chronic illness & disability, with references to disordered eating. I’ve been diagnosed a bit less than a month ago with a chronic autoimmune disease that has been severely impacting my life for a long time without my knowledge: coeliac disease. Basically, my intestines see gluten as something to defend the body against, and that not only causes painful indigestions but also damages the intestines over time, so much so that the body starts having trouble digesting other things and getting nutrients from food. This has caused chronic pain, a miriad of ungodly symptoms like hair loss and skin rash, but honestly, more impacting? Chronic fatigue. I cannot express just how much psychological and emotional damage it has done to me, to have that decline of energy come in waves, but also steadily going down over years right up to now, where I spend most my days laying in bed, where sitting up in bed and booting up my computer is a “good day”, where I’m either sleepy, exhausted, bored out of my mind or frustrated that I can’t just be making the creative content I want to do. The self-esteem utter destruction, having to work through with myself that it’s okay to be idle and abandon all ambitions, to prioritize physical survival and keeping the will to live even as you stop eating to protect yourself from pain, struggle to keep up with your daily schedule and even thinking takes so much energy. My ipad, my accessibility tool that allows me to do something even as I can’t do anything irl, has become super old and dysfunctional. It gets overwhelmed easily and works slowly, closes randomly, corrupts art files and loads apps uncorrectly. Doing anything with it is either incredibly frustrating, time-consuming and difficult, or straight up impossible or a risk to lose work. I have a Metal Sonic artwork I’ve lost and redone twice, I’m currently taking a break from redoing it a third time. It’s been rough. But tbh, in another way, I relate to it? Massive brainfog energy, lmao. When I have to remind myself that machines are faillible too, I end up humanizing it and validate its struggles, even tho it isn’t alive and it just malfunctions because it is what it is. It has taught me patience and the ability to build back up work that I have lost. But hey, there ain’t no reason to add another layer of inaccessibility to my pile, and I ordered a replacement for it just today! I’ll be so much more productive and happy with material that works smoothly and allows for more. But anyways, back to flowergore.

Flowergore is vividly poetic, but I only realized why it has always appealed to me as a comfort/vent and cathartic aesthetic while drawing this: There’s an innate stillness and loss of control to flowergore. Pretty, but tragic. Illness stops being an evil, and becomes a simple product of life that does its thing regardless of the will of the soil it grows in. You have to tend to the plants, whether you trim them to get them under control or must care after them to coexist.  No matter if you find the flowers pretty or not, it doesn’t change anything. The flowers aren’t an innate good nor a moral wrong, they don’t even have an opinion about growing on you. They don’t care, they can’t, they’re just flowers. And yet there’s something so comforting about it, something that can be sad but that can just be peaceful, too. It’s about living through the effects, and dealing with the weeds as they come and go. Resigning yourself, or the process of getting there. It’s about acceptance, and compromise. I think flowergore has innate ties with disability and illness that can’t be denied, nor broken honestly, when you think about it. I also think it can represent/relate with dysmorphia a lot, bodily or otherwise. In my case, I have various skin and sensory issues that give me dysmorphia, and an otherwise “I hate my body and my body hates me” feeling.  The stillness of flowergore often resonates as fatigue, sadness or anguish. It personifies the illness in a way that you can better reflect on your relationship with it, and your relationship with your body & yourself, in a way that allows you to better vent about them. It’s very healing.

These sort of things are the kind of thing that sometimes, you kind of have to personify to distance it from your identity and properly cope with them, you know? Or it’ll just consume you. Even way before I developed my disease, or was regularly fatigued, I loved flowergore, and I think it’s just... A really nice way to frame things weighing you down, that you just kinda have to deal with and process through. Even vague or “normal”/”light” things, like fatigue or negative thoughts, feelings or insecurities.

And don’t get me STARTED on the metaphors and feelings of plants sprouting from an inorganic machine. It’s the classic “sprout growing from a crack in concrete” dystopia trope, except with a negative punchline hah. I’ve always loved to humanize the dehumanized: robots, antagonists and otherwise. I love having characters that feel like they’re on a high pedestral of innate difference and superiority away from others, but that makes them unreachable by default, deeply lonely and misunderstood for it, wether they’re truly an exceptional being or not. I love characters thinking that they’re above physical or emotional weakness getting a slap in the face and having to acknowledge their vulnerability and neglected/suppressed needs head on. I love the delusional, emotionally repressed with anger issues robot having a moment of clarity where he allows himself to be honest to himself for a bit, and resigns himself to the pain of his past and future, before returning to their regular schedule or self-destruction, or not. Ignoring is often the only option you can manage to choose when you don’t have the strenght to make a change or admit to something you didn’t want to about yourself, but ignoring is a lot harder when the proof grows ever bigger and more out of control everywhere on your body. It shouldn’t. It shouldn’t grow on you, impossible. But it does. So what are you going to do about it?

I think I finally get the appeal of hanahaki stuff too. I never understood before, but now I can see it in that same vein. Unreciprocated love causes flowers to sprout wildly, causing, at best, only body horror and/or wounds, when weeding them out or otherwise, and at worst proves to be fatal, most often by suffocating. Except that instead of illness or things like that, the thing you experience a lack of control over and feel some sort of detached destructive blame or resentment for is feelings. Feelings of love, like falling deeply in love, without your own consent, and the pain that being unloved brings. Your love, like a damaging parasitic disease.

Yeah, this isn’t gonna be my last flowergore content.

I didn’t end up talking about sketches, I don’t have the energy to and I don’t think it fits in with the rest anyway, but basically? It’s been an healing journey to allow simple, unclean sketches to be “enough”. To not be shameful, to represent progress and be pretty in their own right and a valid art format. And so, with all of this, I post my messiest sketch on social media to date. One of my very rare public wips. Freedom, baby. You get what you get, and that’s fine. Low standards art is part of my disability recovery arc ✨

#sonic #metal sonic #fuumiku art #my content #Fumi rambles #flowergore #metal sonic angst #angst #vent art #disability #invisible illness #chronic illness #flowergore art #personal update #wip #just bc it's a wip doesn't mean you're allowed to draw over it or copy thanks #is it flowergore if the body horror is robotic? my son is a real boy wdym #feeling like i'm taking too much space on my literal blog but it's fineee /hj

[borderlinereminders]

I'm really scared I'm going to split so hard and end up doing something I'll heavily regret with my partner. She isolates/ghosts everyone as her coping mechanism but proceeds to do near daily uploads on Insta and respond to commenrs, and whilst rationally I shouldn't judge her, she doesn't have to spent every waking moment with me as much as my BPD wants her to, it hurts really damn bad to be randomly ghosted nearly weekly for weeks or months at a time. I've tried to talk to her, to at least give me a heads up, but she never does. I don't want to push more when she comes back lest she ghosts me literal hours later once more, it's not my right to tell her to give up a coping mechanism just for me. Idk what to do, I don't want to hurt her, splitting makes me want to do otherwise and it's difficult to keep rational. So yeah, I'm scared.

Hi anon,

This isn’t what you’ll want to hear but sometimes we aren’t compatible with people. It doesn’t mean they’re wrong or that we’re wrong. But sometimes we have conflicting needs.

It’s possible to compromise, and it sounds like you’ve tried that with asking for a heads up. My suggestion is to try communicating with her again if possible. (If that doesn’t work, it honestly might be an incompatibility thing.)

Something like “I realize it’s not personal, but I feel ___ when you ___ because ___. Can we try and come up with a solution that helps us both?”

One idea I have is coming up with an emoji or letter that maybe she can send you. I can’t promise that works and it’s valid if it’s too much for her. But it’s possible and something I’ve done with people before where when I want them to know I’m overwhelmed and can’t talk, I send them a specific emoji I only use for those circumstances. This allows them to know I’m not ignoring them and put their minds at ease, but it’s super lowkey for me. It doesn’t mean it’ll work for everyone, but it’s a possible idea.

If I’m being honest, weeks and months does sound like a lot. And it’s really valid if that’s not for you. I can’t judge because I’m not her and while she could genuinely be overwhelmed and that’s understandable, that (to me - my personal opinion) feels like a lot for a partner. No, she doesn’t owe you every moment of every day. But I believe in a relationship - there is a difference between shutting down for a few hours (even a few days depending on other factors) and shutting down for months. I don’t think it means she’s being malicious or anything but it definitely sounds like she’s in a place where a relationship might not be the easiest thing at this time.

While I get splitting, I don’t think you’re not being rational. This feels like an example where I think your feelings reasonably fit the situation but because of BPD sometimes we question every negative feeling we have and feel like it might not be okay for the situation because it’s not uncommon for our feelings to be heightened (still valid - but a lot of times not rational). We have to be careful to not allow ourselves to be treated in ways that aren’t okay with us just because we’re worried we’re being “bpd”.

(Also, I’m over tired and my brain isn’t working, but do you mean she ghosts you if you bring up concerns/your feelings about what’s happening? Because while that may be a coping mechanism, that’s not okay. And is manipulative even if she genuinely doesn’t mean it to be. Things can be manipulative even without bad intent. I don’t want to bash her at all. I don’t know her. But I think it’s important you hear that it’s not okay.)

#April answers #ask a borderline

[fainthedcherry]

Days Are Short. (Mental Health Awareness Month, May 3rd)

I always get extremely melancholic in spring, due to the change to summertime. Sure, daylight savings are neat and all. But. The prospect of feeling seven times older by just. The time changing. Old people get heart attacks from the phenomena of setting back the clock, for crying out loud.

-

Why are we truly bound so much by time? I will never understand. We have an innate sense to exist, to survive. We have primal setbacks still stuck in our brain like being hungry, desiring a partner or family.

-

So why are we so bound to it? People complain all the time "ugh I'm so old now!" to me...When they're in their literal 20s or 30s. Like...What are you literally complaining about? Time? It annoys me. But. I'm also a hypocrite for it. As time bothers me too. Not aging, I still find annoying, when people claim how old they are and how they've already lived their life, when their life hasn't even started. Almost like throwing it away and taking for granted. I hate that notion so much. I mean yeah, I don't wanna exist on this planet either, I get. But I don't go "I'm so old! I'm so old!!", all the damn time despite being 18 already, which is adult, so calling someone old in this age is honestly fair. I consider calling someone or yourself old only valid, once you're minimum 80 years old. I truly do. Around 80, you've lived your life, you've seen everything, you've experienced everything (and even in such an age you'll still find out new things and also could gain new hobbies or interests like crocheting or books for example so even THEN that claim is stupid).

-

Time annoys me. The construct of time annoys me. Me not being able to wrap my tiny, smooth brain around it annoys me. It. Annoys me. To a deep level. I almost wish, that time wouldn't exist, honestly. But that could be for my simple disdain of numbers and calculating or guessing numbers at all.

-

Don't let time rob you of opportunities or chances, age of hobbies or new interests/experiences. "Stop approaching it like a total cynic", I tell myself. But I can't, when people all around me take it so much for granted. You have all the literal time in the world. To start anything. Do anything. So don't complain to me, that you've already done everything. Because truly, have you? I doubt it. I doubt you're already trilingual, can fluently dictate haikus at the top of your brain, know how to use certain power-tools for professionals, hell might have parenting experience. Crap like that. Have you learned anything at all? Do you have no curiosity for this world that awaits you?

-

I wake up sometimes being my worst critic, my best fan, wake up with the wrong foot and am a total cynical jerk. And sometimes I wake up and can be the most optimistic, naive idiot you'll know. And it all fluctuates. Just like time fluctuates. At the end of the day, we're all just part of time's scheme, at the end of the day..We all don't matter to time. Or what it thinks. But it matters to me, how you think about yourself. Stop putting yourself down and just try something new already damn it, stop telling yourself you've already done and seen everything, when the crack of dawn hasn't even faded.

-

As one of my favourite Paramore titles; For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic.

-

I feel like that title a lot. I'm tired of my own cynicism, I'm tired of my own optimism. I wish I could just pick a side and live with it already. Getting annoyed over essentially irrelevant daily topics..Or just trying to give people some hope to not give up on themselves, like I have so many times years ago.

#mental health awareness month #mental health awareness month 2023 #pondering #thinking #honest thoughts

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

warning: ask with mentions of suicide

TW: so my best friend is suicidal and she does not want her parents to know bcz she does not want help. She attempted it already and called me and we cried for hours. That was a few months ago. Now she is feeling the same again. Idk wtf to do.

I honestly don't know what to do bcz she hides her feelings so well from everyone. I met her yesterday and I couldn't even tell. And she texted me after and told me. I love her so much and I don't want anything to happen. She was so close the last time and idk what will happen if she tries again.

I made the text small so it's easy to skip if you don't want to read.

This is an extremely difficult situation. On one hand, I want to tell you to seek some sort of professional help, because it's unlikely that you are educated particularly in this field to handle this kind of situation in a objective, analytical way. And it's just hard because you have a deep relationship with them. Still, I know that might be out of the question. Your best friend might view it as a betrayal even if you're just trying to help or get assistance so you can help her. Plus, it might be an expense you can't afford.

If you are willing (and I understand if you are not, because this will not be fair to you and will be a lot of commitment), please spend as much time as you can with them. Talk to them. You don't have to feel exactly what she feels. Just help her understand that you want to know, and remind her that it is valid to feel the way she does even if no one else feels that way.

When I was feeling these feelings, I had a lot of people feeling sorry for me and I hated that, so stopped telling people. I wrote down my feelings, but with the mask of fanfiction / original work. I couldn't address my issues head on, but I could through fictional characters. A fictional character you make always has the right words to say, because you're writing them. Some format of writing might help. For example, you and your friend could share a journal that you exchange every day - you write a daily entry in it, the next day they write in it, the day after that you write in it, and so on. Write about your day, how you're feeling, things that happened, short or long, doesn't matter. What matters is that it gives them a sense of accountability and something to look forward to. It also helps to give voice to what's on your mind.

Music played a big part for me too. It gave poetry to the madness, which is why I gravitated to rock and metal back then. I even fell asleep with headphones in because I didn't want to listen to the inner demons.

Occupy them with distractions. Get them fixated on something. Sometimes it's not great to always talk about it. It can feel like an endless cycle if it's always on the forefront of your mind. Music, books, shows, movies, etc. Help her find something to really connect to, to stick with. And, yeah, it might be a little unhealthy but, for better or for worse, we're trying to find a reason to live, a purpose, and if it takes some sleepless nights, isn't that a small price to pay?

I'll be honest, I never had a friend that stuck with me like you are willing to do. I would feel really guilty about burdening someone with that weight, and I'm glad she told you. I hope you allow her to call you whenever she is feeling that way. I hope she talks to you and realizes how special that is, because people usually don't stick around for stuff like this. You may not be able to understand all she's feeling 100%, but you can listen. Ask her what she needs. Some people want comfort. Some want solutions. Some want to vent. And it might be different each time, so ask if needed.

For you, just remember that you don't and won't know all the answers and that's okay. Don't beat yourself up over not having "the solution" or "the answer". You're not professionally trained for this. Don't feel guilty for not knowing "the signs". You don't have to be a therapist. You just have to be there and understand her feelings are real, even if they seem crazy or irrational.

Establish open and honest communication. Don't antagonize how she's feeling. It might help her to separate the feelings from her identity, basically, how you feel =/= who you are. Being capable of feeling is just one thing, after all. We can feel so many things, good things, bad things, and I know she feels the worst, the most awful things right now, but it means one day she will feel the other side too. She knows how bad it can get and she is capable of cherishing the good moments much more than anyone else. I know it sounds crazy now, but it's true. It's something only us who have been in the darkest place can understand. Tell her to take it one day at a time. One more day, one more hour, one more minute. There is so much more life she hasn't seen or experienced.

if possible, help her gain a support system that isn't you, even if they are just there to supply her with mindless distraction. She doesn't have to tell them the vulnerable stuff but she should have people to go to if she wants to be occupied on a surface level. I hope you have a support system for yourself too. You don't have to tell them anything specific, but you need a shoulder to lean on.

This will be hard to accept, but you can't save them. Only they can save them. Only they can find a reason to keep going. But you can show them all the reasons other people have, show them how much life there is to live - real, in books, or on TV - even if just in stylized, glamorized fantasy, because there is truth in every fiction and there is always a chance that one line, one interaction, one moment will make them think, today is not so bad. And you can be in her corner - that's the most important thing. It can feel so lonely when you think no one feels the way you do, and even lonelier when people get fed up and leave. Remember, she doesn't feel this way because of you. Don't internalize it. You might not be able to make every day better. Every day might not be a grand success. Any change will be gradual and you might not notice it right away.

But, being there, distracting when needed, listening when needed, being silent when needed will help. It might not feel like it in the moment, but it will.

The world might not be wishing her the best, but hopefully your intention gets through to her.

[skyplayssplatoon3]

Oh boy Splat3 being fun I hope this doesn't come off like a rant I'm just being thorough bc that community question post I'm so sorry if this is A Lot

Splatoon 3 veers between 'insanely, super fun' and 'not even remotely' on a near daily basis.

For what feels like the first time in the series' history the matchmaking and connection issues have synchronized to both be so bad that it feels like you barely get to play, and if you do play then you'll rarely get a fair fight and either play against a comp thats not fair for one side (IE triple e-liter and an inkbrush in splatzones) or against opponents with skill level that's unreasonably higher or lower than your team's.

Even with a wired connection I rarely last more than 3-4 matches at best before losing connection in the lobby and having to find new teams, and its not rare to have to go through the queue multiple times because of disconnects while waiting. This has never happened in 1 or 2 to me, back then I'd get maybe one or two a month. Now I get dozens in a week, and nearly everyone I play with does too.

Winning isn't everything but I've had remarkably few matches that felt... like actual matches. Most of my wins have been crushing curbstomps of people that felt like they just got the game or never had a chance because it was a quartet of chargers or whatever.

The same happens for my losses w/ them usually feeling like I went against a team of pro tournament players or being put with 1-3 other splatlings or chargers whenever I play a non-shooter, to the point I've nearly given up on playing my mains that I enjoy and just picked up TTek because I would constantly be curbstomped bc of tri-splatling + 1 squiffer comps and stuff like that outside of X Battle if I don't play a jack of all trades shooter (which, annoyingly, has a system to avoid exactly this problem that works perfectly but was never added to the normal modes)

Between all that and a multitude of minor things (Hero mode being a drop in quality from Splat2's, Splatfests being a noticeable downgrade from Splat2's, Big Run... feeling awkward the way it was handled, a number of balancing issues from launch like crab dominance and tentamissile spam, etc) the game feels more frustrating than ever before in the series when it goes badly despite it feeling better than ever when it goes well thanks to nearly every other facet of actually playing the game being massively improved

I have tons of fun when it feels like it works, but I've honestly just drifted to playing Salmon Run near exclusively because Salmon Run is consistently enjoyable w/o most of the above issues and usually the worst that happens is Nintendo going on a streak of really not fun comps to use (or it being Spawning Grounds, which isn't balanced for Splat3's new aggressive salmonids at all)

Totally fine to be thorough! I've been reading everyone's responses and really learning a lot about what people want out of this game

I'm glad you mentioned the 'Not fun to win' aspect of matchmaking, because I don't see it mentioned a lot: It's not always losing that's the problem, because it's equally not as satisfying to end up stomping new players because you and your X friends run out to try new weapons and still have built-skills over the years...We want people around our level to practice against!

I'm genuinely surprised to hear someone say Hero Mode was a downgrade; there's been so much praises sung (and I genuinely had a good time myself). However, still a valid opinion!

It absolutely is fun when things go right! The connection works, the matchmaking actually balances (rarely but it does for me), and even some losses feel fine because it felt like a fair match that we just came up short

I still say hold out a while longer for all the new goodies we should get! Hopefully things will improve with time, but I can see everyone's frustration as things stand right now

#Asks #bapzap #Long Post #IT'S OKAY IM A BIT OF A RAMBLER MYSELF as people may be aware /dies #But I'm truly having a good time reading the thoughts from the community #Thank you to everyone contributing their thoughts even drastically different from each other or my own!

[mahfreddie]

I know you said you're autistic, but you do get now what what you said the other day on twitter makes you the bad and toxic part of fandom right? You're twitter mutuals with people who have been shitting on Nick and his projects for months now, you don't get to pull the "I only said one thing" card when what you insinuated is that he's bitching about RWRB to costars, which is then used to justify hate towards him and his female costar.

Also "I was just thinking out loud" is not a valid excuse either. Not every thought you have needs to be shared, especially when those thoughts are just putting people down over your own insecurity.

First of all, I’d like to know who these mutuals who are hating on Nick supposedly are because I don’t knowingly follow any Nick haters. If you’re talking about bourdainstalker, I don’t follow them, I just replied to their tweet at me.

I did in fact only say one thing, and I didn’t insinuate anything, I was wondering, and I made that very clear, and as far as what I said being used to justify hate on him, the people who hate him are going to continue to hate on him no matter what, regardless of anything I may ever say, and I don’t see why I should censor myself and my feelings on my little corner of the internet just because there are assholes out there.

And yes, not every thought needs to be shared, and believe you me I bite my tongue 98% of the time, but my account is my own, and what I do and do not say on it is down to me, and no one is forcing you to read it.

I’ve been on rwrbtwt since before the movie came out and this is the only time i’ve been involved with drama and that only happened because I responded to someone else, most of the time i’m just shouting into the void, and honestly i’m quite happy to keep it that way.

As for me being the toxic side of fandom… I made a comment once, an ill conceived comment yes (which trust me when I say I wish I never had) but once none the less, meanwhile the other side of twitter has accounts that bitch about rwrb and rwrb fans (and also on taylor) on the daily, and talking to them one time resulted in their followers coming over here to another website to tell me to kill myself, and I’M the toxic one?

I’ll just say this for clarity’s sake, I don’t hold any ill will towards Anne, I grew up watching her movies and will always be a fan, that part of the interview just bothered me, and that’s okay, you don’t have to like every little thing a celebrity says, and it certainly doesn’t mean you hate them or condone people sending them hate, and I truly don’t.

Okay?

#i know this got real long but im just #exasperated #and i wanted to make myself clear #ask mahfreddie

[taenys]

two guys making me cry today. we love to see it!!!

guy 1 ghosting me for a week, ignoring all my “i miss you” texts and random daily update texts, lovey dovey “hope you’re okay” texts because i was worried something happened to him, just straight up silent treatment to my constant begging of attention lol and then seeing his ex posting a story with him on a hike today really sent me over the edge.

and then he had the audacity to finally text me back like nothing happened. not an ounce of affection in said texts. when i made an offhand, joking (slightly bitter, i suppose) comment that he should add the selfie he sent me (from said hike with his ex) to his dating profile because it’s really good, he threw a fit. asking if i was friendzoning him and why I would say that, why i would be encouraging him to get more dates 💀 MY GUY!!!! you’ve ignored every single romantic text and selfie i’ve sent all week, have made zero indication that you even want to see me or like me at all, and chose to hangout with your ex instead of IDK??? ME?????

it was a huge fucking reality check to realize, damn, this dude really ain’t into me at all. he doesn’t text me back ever, and would rather spend his weekends with his ex and not me, cool. if anyone has friendzoned me it’s fucking YOU!!! i didn’t say all that, but i wanted to. instead i just apologized for making him feel weird with my joke comment and he never replied. back to being ghosted. well, good news is this time i’ll let him ghost me. i won’t fight it lmao bye you dick!!!

and then we have guy number 2. last weekend he texted me at 2 am and asked if he could come over because he was already in my town visiting a friend earlier! how coincidental! my town which is an hour away from portland where he lives, and the middle of nowhere! i realize now how silly it was that i didn’t question who this “friend” was that he has in my town that he’s never mentioned before (not once did he ever say “oh, i have a friend who lives there! i go there all the time!” when we matched…oof). anyway, i let him come over and smash for the first time. and spend the night. and we had a super lovey day date in my little town the next morning. i even took him to my library. it was so nice. i couldn’t wait to do it again.

cue tonight. i’m already sad and upset from the mini fight with guy 1 (who i’ve already decided i don’t want to continue seeing) so when i got a 1am text from this guy saying “surprise! i’m in your town again!” idk what compelled me to jokingly ask if he had another girl he was dating in my town lol. but i did. and he answered honestly. yeah, he does. he just got done with a date. and it “didn’t go well.” i just made a joke about how he’s attracting girls from my tiny town, wow! shrug emoji from him. i then wonder if he’s going to dare ask to come over now that i know he was with another girl.

“i was gonna ask if i could come over but i don’t feel good about it. like i don’t want you to feel like i’m using you” WELL I’M GLAD YOU REALIZE HOW SHITTY THAT WOULD BE FOR ME. jesus. if i’d known that last time i would not have let him come over, fuck. i tell him plainly that i don’t feel great about being his fucking 1am post-date booty call to be fucking honest. he tells me that my feelings are valid and that “i didn’t wanna have sex, just thought it’d be nice to see you” but that he understands why i would think that. at this point im crying in my bed lol. i tell him that as much as i would love his company because it’s been a rough weekend (with cats being sick), knowing that he didn’t drive all this way just to see me, but to see another girl, and that i’m just a second stop, will make me feel sad. he says he’s sorry. i say it’s fine. whatever.

now i’m crying again. this shit with guy 2 hurts worse. i WAS used that first time. even if unintentionally. he’d come all this way to see another girl. he’d never offered to come see me in the month we’ve been talking. he drove the distance for her though. and then was like “i guess i can fuck krystal while i’m here”

i don’t deserve this shit. jesus fucking christ. i’m a hopeless romantic stuck in this hellish modern dating world. and i want OUT!!!!!

#i fucking hate the dating world today #and i hate that i’ve been tolerating such bullshit bare minimum shit #and when i decide to say fuck it and not accept it #i feel really sad about it lol #personal #i’m angry tho. it’s a sad angry. and it will motivate me to never speak to these guys ever again #they will have to beg and chase and earn me if they truly want me #and i know they don’t #so they will let me go without a fuss lol

[anis-book-club]

review: the cuban girl's guide to tea and tomorrow by laura taylor namey

read: 21 january 2024—22 january 2024

medium: audiobook

⭐️2/5

every time i think about this book i want to drop half a star from my rating.

it's okay. it will stay at a 2/5 for now.

usually i don't take the time to actually review a book because i am busy and tired, but i just keep thinking about how much i want to talk about my issues with this book.

i think this book really bothers me because i lived lila's eventual dream life. i moved from the united states to england for university three years ago, and there are a couple of things that just felt really off about lila's character arc and the characterisation of the british characters.

as i said, i'm american and therefore i don't have much claim to knowing exactly how british people act and speak, and that awareness made me wonder if laura taylor namey had it right and i was wrong. later i spoke to my british flatmate and she sort of validated some of my issues with how the british characters spoke—namely that i think i heard/read the word "bloody" more times in the less-than-nine-hours duration of this novel than i have in the entirety of my three years living in the u.k. there may be some regional and generational differences in speech, but "bloody" doesn't really seem to be a prominent staple in british gen z slang in my limited experience. it honestly felt like an american-held stereotype of british speech given personality (and not all that much personality if i'm being honest).

moving on.

i felt like the writing of lila's coming to love england wasn't done very well. this is something that i closely understand and identify with, and the way it was handled in this novel felt very abrupt and awkward. if you're going to tell me that lila 'loves england', you have to show me as well, and i don't think that was accomplished. i took greater issue to it because a big part of her monologues about 'loving england' was that, for her, england was tied to orion. it started to feel like she only loved england because she loved orion. this isn't strictly true, and i think she does cite a few other reasons why she wanted to stay in england, but tellingly, i don't remember what any of them were. i know that not every person who moves to england will fall in love with it the way i did, but i remember being absolutely in wonder at the architecture, the culture, the atmosphere, the transportation links, the blend of modernity and antiquity, and so much more. i didn't get that feeling from lila's narration, and i think more time should have gone into exploring that.

a couple of very small lines at the end compounded this feeling of "that's not how that works". the first was a conversation between lila and pilar, where she says the word "petrol" instead of "gas". the second was her telling orion that she had submitted an application to a university in london and started applying for her student visa.

let me explain.

in my experience, vocabulary shifts take a lot of time. when you grow up into early adulthood saying one thing, it's not going to take only two and a half months for you to slip out of that and randomly start using another word. there are certainly some british words that someone might intentionally switch to using as opposed to the american equivalent.

for me, that was words like 'uni(versity)' over 'college' and, more recently (as in, in the last four months or so), 'trousers' over 'pants'. these are both because 'college' and 'pants' mean something different in england than they do back home, and i use these words daily to discuss my uni work. also, to me, 'petrol' is such a random choice. in my entirety of living here, i've probably heard the word 'petrol' only a handful of times. granted, i live in london where i and all of my friends use public transportation, which might not be the case for lila—i can't remember.

regardless, my point is that if your vocabulary is going to shift within only two months, it's going to be a word you use and hear daily, and you'd probably have to put the mental awareness into using the new word. her slipping up speaking to her american sister and saying 'petrol' just doesn't seem realistic. there is a plethora of more common words that namey could have used to make it more believable.

finally, i think i had a visible and audible reaction to the student visa comment. in public.

this was such a small comment in the grand scheme of the novel but it made me wonder if namey had researched at all how applying for a student visa from the u.s. to the u.k. works. if all of my above points are strictly subjective and reliant on my individual experience, this is the single point i will make that is based in facts.

the specific statement is something like "i applied [to the uni] and started my student visa application this morning" (i'm not entirely sure of the wording nor punctuation, i no longer have access to the book). i read this as she'd submitted her application to study and her application for a student visa on the same day, but i will allow that it could be read as she had submitted her application to study on an earlier date and had started the visa process that morning.

it doesn't matter which interpretation is the correct one because it doesn't make sense logistically either way. i've had to apply for two student visas over my three years of studying so far. to apply for a student visa, you need a number code that is given to you from the school after you've been accepted. for both courses i was accepted into, the application process started in february or march at the very latest, and it took over a month for me to be accepted. from then, it took a few months for me to even get that number code so i could start the visa application. you can't really get very far in the visa application process without that code because it's the thing that tells the u.k. government that you have a school sponsoring your residency.

even if she applied to the school as soon as she got home (and she didn't), there would still only be two weeks between then and her telling orion that she had started the visa process, which is definitely not enough time at all. it's such a small detail, but that was the final straw for any believability i might have given the novel credit for previously. it made me feel like this wasn't a well-researched novel, which is a shame, because i do believe that namey really loves england, and i wish she had let this interest show in her work.

if i didn't have these experiences, i don't think i would have noticed these inconsistencies and misrepresentations.

anyway, i read this book because i learnt while doing research for an essay that kit connor is cast in the movie adaptation. will i still be watching the movie? yes. because while it lacked depth and all i have done in this review is discuss some of its faults, it was still a sweet and relatively enjoyable read. i definitely think that the movie has the potential to be a very lighthearted and easy thing to watch.

tl;dr because i recognise that this review is, indeed, too long: this book was cute and lighthearted, though it lacked the sort of depth i usually look for in novels. there were a lot of inconsistencies in the writing of the british characters and lila's love for england that bothered me because they paralleled my own experiences, but not well. i recognise that this might be entirely subjective and someone else could find that lila's story was a great representation of their individual experience.

#the cuban girl's guide to tea and tomorrow #laura taylor namey #genre: young adult #genre: romance #genre: contemporary