#you can say a lot of things to me but DON'T say you're glad Lincoln died

[wutheringmights]

I've just found Call Them Brothers and I am so in love with the way you write Warriors, Time, and Wind. The characterizations are all fascinating and they all feel like real, breathing people and it's super impressive. They're definitely my favorite characterizations I've found in any lu fic and I just wanted to say thank you for giving such complex characters such a fascinating and cathartic story.

Also, the way you have crafted the plot together and connected so many different narrative threads into what I can only describe as a gorgeous tapestry is absolutely masterful. You are truly composing one of the greatest and most well put together stories I've ever read. As a writer myself, I feel like I'm learning so much about how to use stylistic choices to better support plot threads. I absolutely adore CTB so thank you very much.

If it's alright, can I ask how you manage all the various plot threads and especially all the political intrigue?

I hope you have a lovely day/evening and thank you so much for Call Them Brothers

Thank you so much! You're really kind and I'm so happy you like CTB so far!! This story has been a big experiment of just throwing stylistic spaghetti at the wall and seeing what happens, so I'm glad you're enjoying it.

I am a proud preacher of the importance of character drama in a story. Any genre or idea or world is carried by the writing for the characters. I have spent a long time honing in on how to write character dramas.

I say that because all of the various plot threads, even the political intrigue ones, are at their core about two or more characters at odds with each other.

Every plot line about the war can be broken down into what Warriors's relationships are with other people, like Spirit, Lincoln, Zelda, Impa, Anders, and more. Typically, each character is a mouthpiece for a specific stance that Warriors opposes. Let them clash, and what is essentially a story about a bunch of people trying to figure out how to fight a war becomes 10 times more intriguing.

I know I wrote a very long post some time about about how I came up with some of the world building stuff concerning the politics, but I can't find it. Here is a quick summary of what I probably said:

Don't be afraid to just use real world politics in your story; my Hyrule is brimming with a lot of the classic Americanisms

Focus on cause and effect; if character X does something, then it should have a ripple effect

Look at other stories about the topic you're writing on; I was pretty familiar with literature and movies about war before writing this story, which certainly helped me in writing about a war

Get everyone's perspectives; I find that a lot of political intrigue focuses on the upper classes, which is why I think the story becomes richer when you look at how all these policies affect the people

For the copious amounts of plot threads... I'm not even sure, pal. All I know is that I established that certain characters are going through stuff and as I write the story, they kind of just do things on their own.

I can talk more about how the present day and the past are worked together:

For purposes of character development and plotting, I considered the past and the present two different stories; thinking them as the same one makes it more complicated than it needs be

I picked a point in both plots where the events had to happen in the same chapter, then paced CTB around it

The past is more thoroughly planned out in the present so that I could reference one in the other without worrying about inconsistencies

Everyone already knows how the past ends, as it ends in the present. That means the two sides of the story will have different types of tension: one where the reader sees the train wreck but can't stop it and one where the reader doesn't know when the crash is happening; understanding they have different types of tension and intrigue and leaning into it will help the plots match up

Everything beyond that I just kinda wing it. Truthfully, I can tell where in the story I shoe'd in a convenient plot point to help move things along. I don't think many people notice where the plot is weak since I try to make everything come off as being on purpose.

So that's my last bit of advice: be confident, especially if this is a genre you're not used to or a project that you think you're not prepared for. Readers can tell when you're scared. I swear that if you just commit and show no fear, your story will appear more put together than it is.

#not to tease the end of act 4 again but those two plot points I shaped the story's pacing around so that they could be in the same chapter? #that's the end of act 4 babey #anyway anon sorry i can't find my longer post about this #genuinely all you need is character drama and confidence and you'll be good #me rambling #ask #anonymous #lu ctb #frankie gives advice #<-could have sworn that was my advice tag but whatever

[daisylincs]

It's time to see what I can do! To test the limits and break through// no right no wrong no rules for meee// I'm freeeeeeeeee (and i was glad lincoln died)

*silence*

*utter, shocked silence*

Well, Birdie, I only have one thing to say to you --

Why Lincoln Campbell Shouldn't Have Died: A Small Essay By Lily [Redacted]

#1. It’s Lazy. There was all this fuss about how “heart-breaking” Lincoln’s death was, and how it was the most shocking choice, and I’m just like... really? Was it? Because frustrating as it is to me, it’s true that Lincoln didn’t have any significant relationships on the show aside from his with Daisy, and he also didn’t have the time/the writers didn’t invest the time to make him a character the audience could become really close to. 

And I don’t see how that’s a shocking choice at all? That’s just taking the easy way out of things. If they had really wanted to make a heart-breaking death, it would have been so much worse to choose literally anyone of the OG team.

Or, heaven forbid, not to make anyone die at all!! (Yes, I hate the Fallen Agent arc. Yes, that’s a conversation for another day.) But think about it: it would have been way more original, way more shocking, to have Lincoln not die, or find a super original/Fitzsimmons-esque way to get past the vision. It could’ve been way more shocking and ultimately satisfying if the whole team had worked together to avoid someone dying, and succeeded in avoiding that. It would have made excellent bonding.

And it wouldn’t have been lazy, because Lincoln staying alive would force him and Daisy to have some tough conversations, i.e. Hive and SHIELD and what’s next. It would also have meant an equal amount of tricky conversations with the rest of the team - especially surrounding the whole Hive debacle and methods used during it (*coughs in murder vests*). It would’ve actually been much harder than just having Lincoln die... and isn’t that what good storytelling is supposed to do? Make the harder choice for an ultimately far more satisfying resolution? 

Because choosing Lincoln to die makes it feel like that was his only purpose on the show, and I can’t help but rage against that. I know that’s how a lot of people actually do see Lincoln, and it just makes me so furious, because that’s actually such a disservice to his character?? He was so much more than just Daisy’s doomed boyfriend, and he could have been even more. Which brings me to my next point - 

#2. Wasted Opportunities. I’ll always believe that one of the biggest missed opportunities on the show was that we never got to see Lincoln properly bond with anyone on the team - it was like the writers started, but then decided he was going to die, and then went all, oh, RIP that. Which, honestly, is stupid - because they created this amazing character that had so much potential, and then decided to drop it just like that. 

And I mean, dammit!! Aside from Daisy, Lincoln had prime opportunities to bond with at least five other characters on the team - May, Coulson, Jemma, Fitz, and Mack, and that’s not even starting on the other Secret Warriors. 

He had a little bit of bonding with May when Lash/Andrew was still a thing - but then, whoops-a-daisy, unequivocally dropped. And like... Lincoln and May could’ve been such a good friendship?? Imagine May initially terrifying the living daylights out of Lincoln, but slowly seeing that he’s not actually that different to Daisy, and he makes her happy? And maybe inviting him to t’ai chi with her, to help control her powers? And him in turn helping give her some closure over Katya Belyakov/telling her that she really did make the only choice? They could’ve developed a mother/son bond just as beautiful as Daisy’s, if AoS had only tried. 

Then there’s Coulson. Daisy’s (basically) dad. We got to see a little bit of this, especially in the 3x14-15 era, but I would have loved to see even more of Coulson not-so-subtly threatening Lincoln, but grudgingly coming to accept him as a good agent (and, though he’d never admit it, kinda liking the guy.) Ugh, it could have been so funny and GOOD!!

Fitz and Jemma, to do them in a package deal, could also have been a GREAT BroTP with Lincoln if they had only actually developed it. I would have loved to see a) FitzSimmons initially distrusting Lincoln and being like “if you hurt Daisy...” and then eventually growing to bond with him over science and, well, adoring Daisy, b) a Lincoln-and-Simmons-specific friendship starting after Maveth, for example, Jemma can’t really be around her friends because they keep pitying her and trying to help and she doesn’t want that, so here’s someone new who’s nice and can also distract her with a common interest, and finally c) Lincoln and Fitz bonding over, oh, Daisy, and being ridiculously in love. Just. C’mon. It could’ve been WONDERFUL - and, just think about it, the picture of a Fitzsimmons-and-Lincoln triple alliance out-science-ing Daisy. FAB.

And Mack!! Someone who’s basically Daisy’s older brother, and, I do believe, another one for the Don’t-Hurt-Daisy pile. But Mack’s also very just, and an excellent judge of character, plus he was literally listening in on their first kiss, lmfao. So I think he’d be that “ugh AGAIN you two stop *eye roll*” big brother, but secretly be very happy for them. (I would’ve LOVED to see it, ahhhh.)

Then, of course, the Secret Warriors!! If anyone would listen, I could R A G E for days about how we only had one episode with the Secret Warriors, and that only barely before it all blew apart. But what snippets we had in that one episode!! Lincoln comforting Joey when he gets stressed before a mission. That’s canon. Now imagine Lincoln learning Spanish for both him and Elena (and so the three of them can fuck with Daisy.) And him encouraging them to follow Spanish traditions, because he picked up a lot of “traditions are important” culture from Afterlife. And, of course, them all going to Pride together to support Joey...

My point is just, there is so much MORE AoS could have done with Lincoln’s character, but especially his bonds with the other main cast. Instead of highlighting his relationship with Daisy, I would’ve preferred a lot more focus on his bonds with the rest of the gang. Because, most simply put, he’s a nice guy and loves Daisy - but that’s not all he is, and also, that love for Daisy would mean he WOULD go out of his way to bond with her family. (Point made.)

#3. It Conflicts With The S5 Time Paradox. During the Fallen Agent arc, all we’re hearing about is how time is fixed, and a death is inevitable. And then in season 5, we have the same thing with the time loop... except, they manage to break it then. We’re literally told, “there are many different futures.” And, cool. But, uh... that’s exactly what you guys didn’t say in season 3!!

Because someone saw a death, a death had to happen. My question is just: if the loop could have been broken in s5, why couldn’t the death have been avoided in s3?? It wouldn’t even have been that hard to make it still fit with the vision - Daisy can quake the controls to destroy them, then Lincoln pulls her out of the quinjet, but she leaves the jacket behind. Hive dies, but no-one else - and the best part is, that even still fulfils the original vision, because someone did die. Hive. Click boom.

And if I can figure that out, then, come on, surely AoS could have done so much better!! It just... really frustrates me, hrrrg.

#4. It Becomes A Plot Point To Hurt Daisy. We all like to joke about how much AoS hurts Daisy, but... this is extreme?? Like?? She only just went through probably the biggest trauma of her life, being freaking possessed, and now you want to make her lose someone she loves too? Cruel. 

The only real reason the Fallen Agent arc ever existed was, let’s be real, to force Daisy into that spiral of hurt and depression. And, like... she already had more than enough trauma just from Hive. Nobody would have blamed her for running away then - in fact, how very Daisy it would have been, leaving before she could hurt anyone else she loved.

And then, of course, we could have had Lincoln and the team working together to find her and bring her back, and, heyo, bonding!! It could also have been such a good point for Staticquake’s relationship, what with Lincoln helping Daisy recover after depression/withdrawal, because who better suited, and Daisy slowly forgiving herself and them becoming that much more of a deeply caring, solid ship.

So in short - though, 🙈🙈🙈, I suppose I should really say in long, because it would seem I am incapable of doing anything in a short fashion - I don't think anyone should be "glad" about Lincoln's death. If anything, we should all be FURIOUS, and super frustrated, because if he had only lived, there could have been so many excellent storylines, both bonding-wise and regarding THE ACTUAL PLOT (his powers could have been SO HELPFUL, just, argh). Lincoln Campbell should not have died, and I will stand by that till the day I die.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

#ask #you can say a lot of things to me but DON'T say you're glad Lincoln died #cause that's a really downright ARSEHOLE thing to do #and you will get lectured for it #at length #as shown here #and probably not talked to for a while #again as shown here #😤 #**lily rants #staticquake #defending staticquake #queue'll figure it out together

[nellie-elizabeth]

Grey's Anatomy: Put the Squeeze on Me (18x13)

Okay, I'm going to try and rapid-fire this one. Famous last words.

Cons:

Teddy and Owen. Do I really need to say more? I guess I'm... glad... that they've talked through their issues so hopefully we can put this behind us? But I don't know, it just feels like a waste of time whenever I have to watch their drama play out on screen. I'm also sad that Megan and Farouk seem to be gone, I was hoping they'd stick around and have more to do.

I really love Bailey and Ben's relationship, so I get a little resentful when I see them referencing and continuing on from plot beats that are happening on Station 19. I wish we had more of that play out during the show I'm watching, and not the show I refuse to start.

Meredith is now considering moving for this new job opportunity, and Nick is... there, and ostensibly going to be a factor in that decision, but I'm just borrrrredd by him and nothing that happens can change that! Sorry!

Pros:

Shockingly, I found myself really endeared to Link in this episode. He's been resentful and rude to Amelia, and he still is, giving her a bit of a cold shoulder when she tries to talk to him about preschool options for Scout. But then he has a line where he tells her that he has to hate her, at least for a little while: if he doesn't hate her, he'll love her, and they can't have that. Couple that with the fact that Jo pushed him away, albeit for good reason, and poor Atticus Lincoln is a little adrift at the moment. I like that he's allowed to be a little surly without being a total dickhead. In earlier moments of the season, I felt like we were tipping too much into dickhead behavior, which I wasn't crazy about.

Catherine is in this episode, and she didn't piss me off! I like that Richard is trying to get Levi to come back, but so far hasn't had any luck: Richard is having real doubts about his judgment, given how poorly things went with the Webber Method, and wants to be looked into to make sure his mind is still sound. I felt a lot of sympathy and connection to Richard as he confesses this to his wife!

The whole snake plot was equal parts amusing and intense. We end the episode not knowing the fate of the man who has been constricted by his pet snake. His boyfriend is extremely worried for him but also angry that he allowed such a dangerous pet to hurt him in such a way. I love the tension there: when someone you care about is hurt, you're scared for them. But if they're the reason they're hurt, you're also pissed off, and that makes sense! We also got lots of funny snake stuff with various characters being terrified of the big ol' beastie, while others (namely, Winston), were kind of delighted by it. I loved Maggie's incredulous "who are you?" as her husband reacted with enthusiasm to this tricky snake extraction business.

Meanwhile, Hamilton offers Meredith a permanent position in Minnesota, but he does it in public, springing the offer on her in a way that makes it awkward for her to refuse. Kai later talks to her about it, saying they understand that his way of asking wasn't cool, but they hope Meredith still considers it. They have a good talk, where Kai explains how Hamilton was always there for them, and knew them before they changed their name and pronouns, and made the adjustment immediately and without fuss. That's so important, and I hope some people watching will get a glimpse of how absolutely essential that kind of support may be to anyone going through a transition. I like that Kai is forming some bonds outside of just Amelia, making them feel like a more integrated part of the story. I'm all about it!

Jo starts up a flirtation with the brother of one of her patients, played by soft boy dreamboat Skyler Astin of all people. It was delightful to see him turn up here, and the energy between him and Jo is really charming! Still early days, but I do want Jo to find happiness and (sorry Link), I don't want it to be with her best friend Link. We'll have to see where this goes.

I'm sure I'm missing details, but I'll end things there. All in all, felt like mostly a pretty standard episode. I enjoy a lot of the story threads happening here, and the ones I don't like were mercifully not dwelt on too much in this particular installment.

8/10

#review #grey's anatomy #grey's anatomy review #greys anatomy #greys anatomy review #grey's #grey's abc #greys abc #greys

[fromni-blog]

下書き引用元 https://www.netflix.com/watch/70273997

英語字幕書き起こし

THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL. IT'S JUST SOME GUY I WORK WITH. COME ON. YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH THE GUY. THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM. SO, DOES HE HAVE A HUMP? A HUMP AND A HAIRPIECE? WAIT, DOES HE EAT CHALK? JUST 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT HER TO GO THROUGH WHAT I WENT THROUGH WITH CARL. OKAY, EVERYBODY RELAX. THIS IS NOT A DATE. IT'S TWO PEOPLE GOING OUT TO DINNER AND NOT HAVING SEX. SOUNDS LIKE A DATE TO ME. SO I'M BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL. I'M STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CAFETERIA AND I REALIZE I AM TOTALLY... NAKED. I'VE HAD THAT DREAM. THEN, I LOOK DOWN AND I REALIZE THERE IS A PHONE... THERE. INSTEAD OF..? THAT'S RIGHT. NEVER HAD THAT DREAM. ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE PHONE STARTS TO RING AND IT TURNS OUT IT'S MY MOTHER WHICH IS VERY, VERY WEIRD BECAUSE... SHE NEVER CALLS ME. HI. THIS GUY SAYS "HELLO. I WANT TO KILL MYSELF." ARE YOU OKAY, SWEETIE? I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE REACHED DOWN MY THROAT GRABBED MY SMALL INTESTINE, PULLED IT OUT MY MOUTH AND TIED IT AROUND MY NECK. COOKIE? CAROL MOVED HER STUFF OUT TODAY. All: OH... LET ME GET YOU SOME COFFEE. THANKS. OOH. UGH... NO. OH, NO. NO, DON'T. STOP CLEANSING MY AURA. NO, JUST LEAVE MY AURA ALONE, OKAY? I'LL BE FINE, ALL RIGHT? REALLY, EVERYONE. I HOPE SHE'LL BE VERY HAPPY. Monica: NO, YOU DON'T. NO I DON'T. TO HELL WITH HER. SHE LEFT ME. AND YOU NEVER KNEW SHE WAS A LESBIAN? NO. OKAY? WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP FIXATING ON THAT? SHE DIDN'T KNOW. HOW SHOULD I KNOW? SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS A LESBIAN. DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD? ALL RIGHT, ROSS, LOOK YOU'RE FEELING A LOT OF PAIN RIGHT NOW. YOU'RE ANGRY. YOU'RE HURTING. CAN I TELL YOU WHAT THE ANSWER IS? STRIP JOINTS! OH, COME ON. YOU'RE SINGLE. SEE, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE SINGLE, OKAY? I JUST, I JUST, I JUST WANT TO BE MARRIED AGAIN. AND I JUST WANT A MILLION DOLLARS. RACHEL? OH, GOD, MONICA, HI. THANK GOD. I JUST WENT TO YOUR BUILDING AND YOU WEREN'T THERE AND THEN THIS GUY WITH A BIG HAMMER SAID THAT YOU MIGHT BE HERE, AND YOU ARE. CAN I GET YOU SOME COFFEE? DECAF. OKAY, EVERYBODY, THIS IS RACHEL ANOTHER LINCOLN HIGH SURVIVOR. THIS IS EVERYBODY. THIS IS CHANDLER AND PHOEBE, AND JOEY AND YOU REMEMBER MY BROTHER ROSS? SURE. HI. OH! SO, YOU WANT TO TELL US NOW OR ARE WE WAITING FOR FOUR WET BRIDESMAIDS? OH, GOD. WELL, IT STARTED ABOUT A HALF HOUR BEFORE THE WEDDING. I WAS IN THIS ROOM WHERE WE WERE KEEPING ALL THE PRESENTS AND I WAS LOOKING AT THIS GRAVY BOAT-- THIS REALLY GORGEOUS LIMOGES GRAVY BOAT-- WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN... SWEET AND LOW? I REALIZED THAT I WAS MORE TURNED ON BY THIS GRAVY BOAT THAN BY BARRY AND THEN I GOT REALLY FREAKED OUT AND THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME HOW MUCH BARRY LOOKS LIKE MR. POTATO HEAD. I MEAN, I ALWAYS KNEW HE LOOKED FAMILIAR, BUT... ANYWAY, I JUST HAD TO GET OUT OF THERE AND I STARTED WONDERING, "WHY AM I DOING THIS AND WHO AM I DOING THIS FOR?" SO, ANYWAY, I JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO GO AND I KNOW THAT YOU AND I HAVE DRIFTED APART BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON I KNEW WHO LIVED IN THE CITY. WHO WASN'T INVITED TO THE WEDDING. OH, I WAS KIND OF HOPING THAT WOULDN'T BE AN ISSUE. ...Elijarme la mano, aquellos criminales. Monica: NOW, I'M GUESSING THAT HE BOUGHT HER THE BIG PIPE ORGAN AND SHE'S REALLY NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT. DADDY, I JUST... I CAN'T MARRY HIM. I'M SORRY. I JUST DON'T LOVE HIM. WELL, IT MATTERS TO ME. Chandler: SHE SHOULD NOT BE WEARING THOSE PANTS. I SAY PUSH HER DOWN THE STAIRS. All: PUSH HER DOWN THE STAIRS! PUSH HER DOWN THE STAIRS! ALL RIGHT! COME ON, DADDY, LISTEN TO ME. ALL OF MY LIFE EVERYONE HAS ALWAYS TOLD ME, "YOU'RE A SHOE. "YOU'RE A SHOE. YOU'RE A SHOE. YOU'RE A SHOE." AND THEN TODAY I JUST STOPPED AND SAID "WHAT IF I DON'T WANT TO BE A SHOE? "WHAT IF I WANT TO BE A PURSE? OR A HAT?" NO, I DON'T WANT YOU TO BUY ME A HAT. I'M SAYING THAT I AM A HAT... IT'S A METAPHOR, DADDY! YOU CAN SEE WHERE HE'D HAVE TROUBLE. LOOK, DADDY, IT'S MY LIFE. WELL, MAYBE I'LL JUST STAY HERE WITH MONICA. WELL, I GUESS WE'VE ESTABLISHED SHE'S STAYING HERE WITH MONICA. WELL, MAYBE THAT'S MY DECISION. WELL, MAYBE I DON'T NEED YOUR MONEY. WAIT, WAIT! I SAID MAYBE! OKAY, JUST BREATHE. THAT'S IT. JUST TRY TO THINK OF NICE, CALM THINGS. ♪ RAINDROPS ON ROSES ♪ ♪ AND WHISKERS ON KITTENS ♪ ♪ DOORBELLS AND SLEIGH BELLS ♪ ♪ AND SOMETHING WITH MITTENS ♪ ♪ LA LA LA SOMETHING ♪ ♪ WITH STRING, THESE ARE A FEW... ♪ I'M ALL BETTER NOW. I HELPED. OKAY, LOOK, THIS IS PROBABLY FOR THE BEST. INDEPENDENCE... TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE. AND HEY, YOU NEED ANYTHING YOU CAN ALWAYS COME TO JOEY. ME AND CHANDLER LIVE RIGHT ACROSS THE HALL AND HE'S AWAY A LOT. STOP HITTING ON HER. IT'S HER WEDDING DAY. LIKE THERE'S A RULE OR SOMETHING? ( intercom buzzes ) PLEASE DON'T DO THAT AGAIN. IT'S A HORRIBLE SOUND. Uh, it's-- it's Paul. BUZZ HIM IN. WHO'S PAUL? "PAUL THE WINE GUY" PAUL? MAYBE. YOUR "NOT A REAL DATE" TONIGHT IS WITH "PAUL THE WINE GUY"? HE FINALLY ASKED YOU OUT? YES. A "DEAR DIARY" MOMENT. RACH, WAIT. I CAN CANCEL. PLEASE, NO, GO. I'LL BE FINE. ROSS, ARE YOU OKAY? I MEAN, DO YOU WANT ME TO STAY? THAT WOULD BE GOOD. REALLY? NO! GO ON! IT'S "PAUL THE WINE GUY!" HI. COME IN. PAUL, THIS IS... EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY, THIS IS PAUL. All: "PAUL THE WINE GUY!" I DIDN'T CATCH YOUR NAME. PAUL, WAS IT? SIT DOWN. TWO SECONDS. I JUST PULLED OUT FOUR EYELASHES. THAT CAN'T BE GOOD. SO, RACHEL, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO TONIGHT? I WAS KIND OF SUPPOSED TO BE HEADED FOR ARUBA ON MY HONEYMOON. SO, NOTHING. RIGHT. YOU'RE NOT EVEN GETTING YOUR HONEYMOON. GOD... NO... ARUBA. THIS TIME OF YEAR, TALK ABOUT YOUR... BIG LIZARDS. ANYWAY, IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE BEING ALONE TONIGHT JOEY AND CHANDLER ARE HELPING ME PUT TOGETHER MY NEW FURNITURE. AND WE'RE VERY EXCITED ABOUT IT. THANKS, BUT I'M GOING TO HANG OUT HERE TONIGHT. IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY. OH, SURE. OKAY, SURE. PHEEBS, YOU WANT TO HELP? I WISH I COULD, BUT I DON'T WANT TO. I'M SUPPOSED TO ATTACH A BRACKETY THING TO THE SIDE THINGS USING A BUNCH OF THESE LITTLE WORM GUYS. I HAVE NO BRACKETY THING. I SEE NO WORM GUYS WHATSOEVER. AND I CANNOT FEEL MY LEGS. WHAT'S THIS? I HAVE NO IDEA. DONE WITH THE BOOKCASE! ALL FINISHED! THIS WAS CAROL'S FAVORITE BEER. SHE ALWAYS DRANK IT OUT OF THE CAN. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. ROSS, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION. SHE GOT THE FURNITURE, THE STEREO, THE GOOD TV. WHAT DID YOU GET? YOU GUYS. YOU GOT SCREWED. OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD. I KNOW. I'M SUCH AN IDIOT. I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT ON WHEN SHE STARTED GOING TO THE DENTIST FOUR AND FIVE TIMES A WEEK. I MEAN, HOW CLEAN CAN TEETH GET? MY BROTHER'S GOING THROUGH THAT NOW. HE'S SUCH A MESS. HOW DID YOU GET THROUGH IT? HE MIGHT TRY ACCIDENTALLY BREAKING SOMETHING VALUABLE OF HERS-- SAY, HER... LEG? THAT'S ONE WAY OF GOING THROUGH IT. ME, I WENT FOR THE WATCH. YOU ACTUALLY BROKE HER WATCH? BARRY, I'M SORRY. I'M SO SORRY. I KNOW YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS IS ALL ABOUT WHAT I SAID THE OTHER NIGHT ABOUT YOU MAKING LOVE WITH YOUR SOCKS ON BUT IT ISN'T. IT ISN'T-- IT'S ABOUT ME. AND I DID... HI. MACHINE CUT ME OFF AGAIN. ANYWAY... YOU KNOW WHAT THE SCARIEST PART IS? WHAT IF THERE'S ONLY ONE WOMAN FOR EVERYBODY? WHAT IF YOU GET ONE WOMAN AND THAT'S IT? UNFORTUNATELY, IN MY CASE THERE WAS ONLY ONE WOMAN FOR HER. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ONE WOMAN. THAT'S LIKE SAYING THERE'S ONLY ONE FLAVOR OF ICE CREAM FOR YOU. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, ROSS. THERE'S LOT OF FLAVORS OUT THERE. THERE'S ROCKY ROAD AND COOKIE DOUGH AND BING CHERRY VANILLA. YOU CAN GET THEM WITH JIMMIES OR NUTS OR WHIPPED CREAM. THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU. YOU GOT MARRIED. YOU WERE LIKE, WHAT, EIGHT? WELCOME BACK TO THE WORLD. GRAB A SPOON. I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW IF I'M HUNGRY OR HORNY. THEN STAY OUT OF MY FREEZER. EVER SINCE SHE WALKED OUT ON ME, I... WHAT? WHAT, YOU WANT TO SPELL IT OUT WITH NOODLES? NO, IT'S MORE OF A FIFTH DATE KIND OF REVELATION. OH, SO, THERE'S GOING TO BE A FIFTH DATE? ISN'T THERE? YEAH, YEAH, I THINK THERE IS. WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO SAY? WELL, WELL... EVER SINCE SHE LEFT ME, UM... I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO PERFORM... SEXUALLY. OH, GOD. I'M SO SORRY. IT'S OKAY. BEING SPIT ON IS PROBABLY NOT WHAT YOU NEED RIGHT NOW. UM... OOH. HOW LONG? TWO YEARS. WOW. I-I-I'M GLAD YOU SMASHED HER WATCH. SO, YOU STILL THINK YOU, UM... MIGHT WANT THAT FIFTH DATE? YEAH. YEAH, I DO. I, Joanie, take you, Charles as my lawful husband. Do you take Joanie... SEE, BUT JOANIE LOVED CHACHI. THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE. GRAB A SPOON. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT'S BEEN SINCE I GRABBED A SPOON? DO THE WORDS "BILLY, DON'T BE A HERO" MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU? YOU KNOW, HERE'S THE THING. EVEN IF I COULD GET IT TOGETHER ENOUGH TO ASK A WOMAN OUT WHO AM I GOING TO ASK? ISN'T THIS AMAZING? I HAVE NEVER MADE COFFEE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. THAT IS AMAZING. CONGRATULATIONS. WHILE YOU'RE ON A ROLL, IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU GOT TO MAKE A WESTERN OMELET OR SOMETHING... ACTUALLY, I'M REALLY NOT THAT HUNGRY THIS MORNING. MORNING. MORNING. MORNING. MORNING. MORNING, PAUL. HELLO, PAUL. HI. PAUL, IS IT? I HAD A GREAT TIME LAST NIGHT. Paul: THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH. WE'LL TALK LATER. YEAH. THANK YOU. THAT WASN'T A REAL DATE. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO ON A REAL DATE? SHUT UP AND PUT MY TABLE BACK. Joey: OKAY. ALL RIGHT, KIDS, I GOT TO GET TO WORK. IF I DON'T INPUT THOSE NUMBERS... IT DOESN'T MAKE MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE. SO, LIKE, YOU GUYS ALL HAVE JOBS? YEAH, WE ALL HAVE JOBS. SEE, THAT'S HOW WE BUY STUFF. YEAH. I'M AN ACTOR. HAVE I SEEN YOU IN ANYTHING? I DOUBT IT. MOSTLY REGIONAL WORK. UNLESS YOU CAUGHT THE WEE ONES PRODUCTION OF PINOCCHIO. "LOOK, GEPETTO, I'M A REAL LIVE BOY." I WILL NOT TAKE THIS ABUSE. YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY. ♪ ONCE I WAS A WOODEN BOY, A LITTLE WOODEN BOY. ♪ SO HOW YOU DOING TODAY? DID YOU SLEEP OKAY? DID YOU TALK TO BARRY? I CAN'T STOP SMILING. I CAN SEE THAT. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU SLEPT WITH A HANGER IN YOUR MOUTH. I KNOW. HE'S JUST SO... YOU REMEMBER YOU AND TONY DEMARCO? OH, YEAH. WELL, IT'S LIKE THAT-- WITH FEELINGS. OH, WOW, ARE YOU IN TROUBLE. I AM JUST GOING TO GET UP, GO TO WORK AND NOT THINK ABOUT HIM ALL DAY. OR ELSE I'M JUST GOING TO GET UP AND GO TO WORK. WISH ME LUCK. WHAT FOR? I'M GOING TO GET ONE OF THOSE JOB THINGS. HEY, MONICA. FRANNIE, WELCOME BACK. HOW WAS FLORIDA? YOU HAD SEX, DIDN'T YOU? HOW DO YOU DO THAT? SO, WHO? YOU KNOW PAUL? PAUL, THE WINE GUY? OH, YEAH, I KNOW PAUL. YOU MEAN, YOU KNOW PAUL LIKE I KNOW PAUL? ARE YOU KIDDING? I TAKE CREDIT FOR PAUL. YOU KNOW, BEFORE ME, THERE WAS NO SNAP IN HIS TURTLE FOR TWO YEARS. OF COURSE IT WAS A LINE. WHY WOULD ANYBODY DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! I ASSUME WE'RE LOOKING FOR AN ANSWER MORE SOPHISTICATED THAN "TO GET YOU INTO BED." IS IT ME?! IS IT LIKE I HAVE SOME SORT OF BEACON THAT ONLY DOGS AND MEN WITH SEVERE EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS CAN HEAR? GIVE ME YOUR FEET. I JUST THOUGHT HE WAS NICE, YOU KNOW? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS A LINE. GUESS WHAT? YOU GOT A JOB? ARE YOU KIDDING? I'M TRAINED FOR NOTHING. I WAS LAUGHED OUT OF 12 INTERVIEWS. YET YOU'RE UPBEAT. YOU WOULD BE, TOO, IF YOU FOUND JOAN AND DAVID BOOTS ON SALE 50 PERCENT OFF. OH, HOW WELL YOU KNOW ME. THEY'RE MY NEW I-DON'T-NEED-A-JOB, I-DON'T-NEED-MY-PARENTS, I'VE-GOT-GREAT-BOOTS BOOTS. HOW DID YOU PAY FOR THEM? A CREDIT CARD. AND WHO PAYS FOR THAT? UM... MY FATHER. COME ON. YOU CAN'T LIVE OFF YOUR PARENTS YOUR WHOLE LIFE. I KNOW THAT. THAT'S WHY I WAS GETTING MARRIED. IT'S HARD BEING ON YOUR OWN THE FIRST TIME. THANK YOU. I REMEMBER WHEN I FIRST CAME HERE. I WAS 14, MY MOM HAD JUST KILLED HERSELF AND MY STEPDAD WAS BACK IN PRISON. I GOT HERE AND DIDN'T KNOW ANYBODY. I ENDED UP LIVING WITH THIS ALBINO GUY WHO WAS CLEANING WINDSHIELDS OUTSIDE PORT AUTHORITY AND THEN HE KILLED HIMSELF AND THEN I FOUND AROMA THERAPY. SO I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS... "ANYWAY..." ALL RIGHT. YOU READY? I DON'T THINK SO. CUT. CUT. ( chanting ): CUT. CUT. CUT. CUT. CUT. ( cheering ) WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD. IT SUCKS. YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT. ( "Star Spangled Banner" playing ) THAT'S IT. YOU WANT TO CRASH ON THE COUCH? NO. I GOT TO GO HOME. YOU GOING TO BE OKAY? YEAH. HEY, MON, LOOK WHAT I FOUND. WHAT? THAT'S PAUL'S WATCH. PUT IT BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT. OH, BOY. ALL RIGHT, GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. Both: GOOD NIGHT. HMM. OH, SORRY. OH, NO. GO. SPLIT IT? OKAY. THANKS. YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW THIS BUT BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL I HAD A... MAJOR CRUSH ON YOU. I KNEW. YOU DID? I ALWAYS FIGURED YOU JUST THOUGHT I WAS MONICA'S GEEKY OLDER BROTHER. I DID. OH. LISTEN, DO YOU THINK-- AND TRY NOT TO LET MY INTENSE VULNERABILITY BECOME ANY KIND OF A FACTOR HERE-- BUT WOULD IT BE OKAY IF I ASKED YOU OUT SOMETIME MAYBE? YEAH. MAYBE. OKAY. OKAY, MAYBE I WILL. GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT. SEE YOU. MM-HMM. WAIT, WAIT. WHAT'S WITH YOU? I JUST GRABBED A SPOON. I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M HEARING. ♪ I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M HEARING. ♪ I SAID YOU HAD... ♪ I SAID YOU HAD... ♪ WOULD YOU STOP? WAS I DOING IT AGAIN? All: YES! WOULD ANYBODY LIKE MORE COFFEE? DID YOU MAKE IT OR ARE YOU JUST SERVING IT? I'M JUST SERVING IT. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. KIDS, NEW DREAM. I'M IN LAS VEGAS. I'M LIZA MINELLI.

[adventurousrecovery]

You Wish

I was beaten and I let him. By the end of our relationship I was being called names, accused of doing things I hadn't done, constantly put down, and anything I did was never good enough. Our relationship ended and I had no idea who I was. I fell apart only to put myself back together. Five years later my ex contacts me via my artist page. I had recently changed the name on my personal page, making it difficult for clients and weirdos to find me. I am glad I did so. I finally enter into a relationship after 5 years and shortly after am contacted by my ex, who is now married with a kid.

(December 11, 2017)

Ex: Hey, Caitlin! How are you!?

Me: I am doing well. It's been a tough year with changes and losses, but has drastically taken a turn.

(December 12, 2017)

Ex: I'm sorry to hear you've been through some stuff, but I'm thankful things seem to be getting better! Listen...I was going through some stuff and stumbled upon your old gameboy. I thought you might appreciate getting it back.

*sends picture of the gameboy*

Me: Yes!

Ex: Awesome! Well I'm not sure what your schedule is like these days, but just let me know and we'll figured something out.

Me: I live in Terre Haute, but occasionally come south for the weekends and appointments. I will be down south this weekend, but not sure if I will make it to Eville on Sunday. I have numerous things in Evansville Monday and plan on attending AOC.

Ex: Ok that's fine. Just send me a message when you're in town and we'll work something out!

Me: Sounds good!

Me: Did you happen to find any cartridges that went with it?

Ex: Pokemon Special Pikachu is in it. If there were any other cartridges you had that are missing I'm more than happy to replace them. The kids used them...so there's no tellin where they may be at this point!

Me: Naw, that's fine.

( I only wanted my Pokemon cartridge because I was obsessed with it as a child and the most important of the few I had. I never contacted him. My weekend was so overwhelming with the introduction of my dog to my family while being reminded as to why I limit visits. I was so upset and anxious by being home that I thought it best to return to Terre Haute. I did not inform him. I didn't have to. I owed him nothing. I spent the week reflecting on how far I had come since he had broken up with me. I needed to remind myself of the person I had become.)

(December 23, 2017)

Me: I will be in Eville this evening. Is there a time that works for you?

Ex: Shouldn't matter too much. I have a house over by UE off walnut. Where will you be?

(Why mention the location of your house? Attempted bragging? Did he expect me to stop by, alone? Pffft....please.)

Me: I will be at AOC. I may also be somewhere before or after that depending on my sister and her choice place of meeting for Christmas exchange.

Ex: Ok just let me know when you're in town and we'll figure it out.

(His grammar and punctuation became sloppy compared to when he first messaged me. I did not respond, but 3 hours later he felt a need attempt to gain control.)

Ex: I'll just plan on meeting you over at AOC if that's ok

Me: Sure, before or after? The parking lot is jank because it is under construction so parking is on the side streets.

Ex: Probably before. What time will you be there?

Me: Hahaha no clue because I am currently making Christmas treats and it is not going well.

(The treat making not going well was true. However, I did know what time I would arrive, 6:30 when it started at 7:00. I needed time to compose and center myself.)

Ex: Lol it's all good. Whatever works for you is cool with me.

Me: I will try to be there 15 min early, but it is in the big building not the small.

Ex: Ok when does it start? 7?

Me: Yes

Ex: Cool

(3 hours later)

Me: I'm here. The entrance that faces Lincoln is open with the flag pole

Ex: What are you driving?

(Why did that matter? I kept my description minimal. The lack of lighting and parking on the side streets would make it difficult for him to locate my car.)

Me: My Pontiac, but I'm inside.

(I wanted it to be clear that I was not stepping outside. If he wanted to meet he had to put forth effort. I had contacted other members and informed them of his history and that we were meeting. They were there for safety. He arrived 10 minutes before the meeting. He brought his son and wife. Members acknowledged his arrival, greeting him with hugs though he hadn't been to a meeting there since we dated. I know because I was terrified I would see him there after we broke up. He avoided eye contact. In fact, he handed me my gameboy while having a conversation with someone else, not even looking in my direction. I thanked him. His family left. I expected more, but was happy it was over. I thought maybe he had changed was going to make an amends considering it is a 12 Step program. Nope. During the meeting, he further messages me and it took a completely different direction of weird while confirming his narcissistic personality.)

Ex: Hey listen...I wanted to stay and talk with you a bit, but you seemed upset. I didn't want to ruin your night or anything. Since I had the family with me I didn't think it would be best to stick around...especially if you feel any animosity toward me. I just wanted to give you your gameboy. Thought it might make you happy to have it back after all these years. If you're upset with me about something please let me know so I can do my best to fix it. Praying for you...and I sincerely hope you have a wonderful Christmas, Caitlin.

(He assumed I was upset, creating a situation that doesn't exist so he might wiggle his way into my life and feel better about himself. My happiness is not nor was it ever dependent on the return of my Gameboy. Therefore, there is nothing to fix. I mended myself.)

(Minutes later)

Ex: Can I call you or you call me when you leave there? I don't want there to be any unresolved issues anymore. I can feel there are. *gives me his number*

(That's a fuck no. I will not provide a means of further harassment.)

(2 hours later)

Ex: It's been 5 years. That's a long time to hold onto something. I can't make it better if you don't let me. I'm here when you're ready to talk.

(He thought about it for hours. What makes him think he has the power to "make it better"? It is clear that it is bothering him more than it has me. I was given 5 years of being single to rebuild my life and become the woman that I am. I am aware of his manipulative, sneaky, and narcissistic games. I have the advantage. I worked through the emotions surrounding our relationship. He jumped into another relationship before ours was over, distracting himself from whatever core issue is now currently eating at him.)

(December 24, 2017)

I received a message from my ex's wife via my artist page and personal page.

Wife: Good morning Caitlin. I hope this message finds you well. I read your blog and am saddened by the picture you've painted of (insert Ex's name here). He is a excellent father and husband, nothing like what you have depicted. (Insert ex's name here) has never spoken badly of you and only said that he ended the relationship between you and him because he didn't see a future with you and didn't want to lead you on. This was before I met him and I understand people make mistakes. But he is not the monster you make him sound like. The time you had with him was a fraction of the years we have been together. I have been in a relationship with him since August 2013 and while he has flaws like everyone, he has grown into a wonderful, god-fearing, hardworking man. You do not know who he is. While you were in his life for a season, you cannot possible know who he is now. I'm not saying that he didn't do anything to hurt you. What I am saying is he is not the same person he was when he first started recovery. We recently moved into our first home and while we were moving one of the kids found your gameboy. The only intentions Abe had were to do a kind deed in the spirit of Christmas. In no way was he trying to be malicious or cause you pain. (Insert ex's name here) is a changed man from what you knew. I urge you as a sister in Christ to forgive as Christ forgave us. He has moved on and is happy and that's all he wishes for you. I pray you find happiness and wish you all the best. Merry Christmas.

(While viewing this message I accidentally highlighted the conversation, emojis popped up while I attempted to scroll and hit the thumbs down. I did not know how to take back, but I assume it did not go over well for I received another message.)

Wife: Obviously you aren't at a point in your life where we can handle things like mature adults. I'm sorry to have wasted your time and mine. Either way, I hope you have a good Christmas.

Me: Due to the holiday I had the intention of waiting to respond, but because I am not technologically savvy, I accidentally hit a thumbs down and it was misinterpreted. I have and had every intention of responding, but due to the holidays I request that out of respect and consideration for all involved, we each take time to spend time with our families. Merry Christmas!

(First of all, why am I of any concern to his wife? Second, why is my blog of any interest? Third, for one to assume I have not healed or endured such a painful process is quite judgemental. Determining my happiness based on your life aspirations and experiences judgemental and close-minded. Healing, happiness, and truth are dependent upon the perspective of the individual to whom it matters most, myself. Lastly, my words are not untrue because they come from a different perspective. All that I have written is based on my personal perspective and experience in the time I spent with him. I would like to think he is a changed man and I hope to God he is, but the abuse happened. He did not lay a hand on me, but physical touch is not required to meet the criteria for abuse. I continue to see him as the person he once was for I never saw who he became. Why would I? Our relationship ended and there was no reason to reconvene and share stories. Abuse is a form of trauma and it took its toll on my mentality and I admit I am still affected by those past experiences. For example, I was driven by fear, paranoia, and convinced everything had an ulterior motive and that returned in my writing of this post. It doesn't mean it is wrong. I was shown what was not to be tolerated in a relationship and for that I am thankful for I have refused to settle for less than what I deserve. I did not deserve him. I deserved much better.

I spoke to my sponsor, as one does when such an issue might arise in recovery, and saw my part. I should clarify this posting is not a form of retaliation or intended to do harm, but is a personal perspective of true events. I know what I want and how I would like this to be "fixed" assuming that it can be or needs to. However, my request to my ex is recovery based without the influence of others and should be left at that. That request cannot be guaranteed and for me to take action in an attempt to force things to be "fixed" is handing my problems to God only to snatch them back again. I pray for God's will and his timing, that should the opportunity arise I be given the words to speak that others may hear to reach resolution.

#recovery #addict #addiction #drug addict #drug addiction #drug abuse #cutting #cutter #self harm #self injury #mental health #abuse #domestic violence #dating abuse #dating violence #abusive relationship #ex