#why does tyler stick it in the soup? or is the soup so hot he steams it from the heat?

[n1nthrule]

if i ever talked to chuck palahniuk about fight club half of the conversation would be Why he felt the need to talk about tyler's cock

#addendum to the muppet post. sort of #fight club #chuck palahniuk #why does tyler stick it in the soup? or is the soup so hot he steams it from the heat? #how is it pink? that soup's gotta be like 100 degrees or more #either that or he's at least a little aroused #and even then why did chuck put it in there? i have so many questions

[thedefenderoftheearth]

slide

summary: Rose and TenToo start their journey together and it isn't always perfect but they're good together.

rating: T

word count: 2200

Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30290310

On Day One, he knows the TARDIS is leaving before Rose does. She’s entirely captivated by this kiss, and he wants to be too (and is…mostly), but it’s his TARDIS, and his mind is big enough to think of both things at once–the love of his life re-entering it and the companion he’s not sure he can live without fading from it. He hates the thought but knows it’s true. He’s lived without Rose, knows he can do it…but he’s not sure if he can live without his ship. 

When Rose breaks the kiss with a gasp and bolts toward his disappearing girl, he’s certain that he can’t.  He takes the few strides to Rose, interlaces his fingers with hers because it’s the only thing he’s sure it’s okay to do. When they turn to look at each other, he wonders what he’ll be sure of tomorrow.

On Day Two, he wakes to a soft whirring sound--an electric toothbrush, he realizes. Rose is awake and coming out of the en suite. He doesn't know what to do with himself, so he flings the covers aside and hops out of the bed to meet her. 

"Oh," she says, and she won't meet his eyes. "Um. Hi. You're awake."

"Yes," he confirms. "And you have a bit of toothpaste just...there." Without thinking and before she can stop him, he licks the pad of his thumb and swipes the corner of her mouth.

"Um. Thanks," she says, and she still won't look at him properly. "Um...I thought...I thought I'd pick up your suit from dry-cleaning. And then we could go shopping, get you some things. I won't be long." She hurries from the room with her head down, not even pausing to wait for an answer.

He's puzzled, but when he's certain she's gone, he sucks his thumb. He can't taste every component of the toothpaste, can't determine the exact structure of the methylcellulose like he used to. What he can taste is Rose, and that, he thinks, could merit a full day's worth of analysis.

It isn't until he goes into the bathroom to relieve himself that he realizes why Rose did her best not to see him.

He wonders if this is a problem human males have every morning.

If so, he wonders how he could possibly bear this every morning--this heat that's spreading across his face, down his neck, and to his shoulders that makes him feel like he could disintegrate on the spot and like he wouldn't mind if he did, because at least he wouldn't have to face Rose again.

On Day Three, she catches him in the kitchen with two fingers in a jar of raspberry jam. He freezes, smiles sheepishly, grows nervous when she doesn't say anything.

"You know," she finally says, taking the jar from him and replacing his fingers with her own, "this is an awful habit to get yourself into." Her tongue darts out to clean the messy glob on her fingers.

"Dreadful," he agrees, when he can finally speak. "Terribly rude." He takes the jar back to help himself to more jam.

They pass the jar between them a few times before she stops and places it on the counter.

Sticky fingers weave through his perfectly tousled hair as she pulls his mouth to her and he wants to whine about it, but his brain shorts out as she swipes her tongue along his bottom lip and oh--all right then.

On Day Nine, they're okay. They've fallen into a safe routine: she cooks breakfast and he cleans the dishes; they share the bathroom (and it's not long before they decide it isn't big enough for the two of them); they reach together for two Torchwood IDs hanging near the door; she drives and he changes the radio fifteen times before they arrive.

Neither of them takes any risks with the other, but it's good. They're good together.

On Day Twenty-Eight, he cooks breakfast and doesn't burn the toast. It earns him a proud hug from Rose. He thinks back to a day when a shop girl from the Powell Estate pronounces a word correctly and elicits the same response from him. He wonders what happened to that girl and marvels at the woman before him who has all of herself pressed up against all of him.

On Day Forty-One, he goes on his third date with Rose. He's not sure why she keeps referring to it that way but she does and has more than once--to her mum on the phone and even to Jake at Torchwood.

He doesn't understand why she emerges from the en suite in a dress he's never seen before and strappy heels that couldn't possibly be designed for comfort (and definitely not for running) or why she smells flowery and certainly good but not quite like herself.

When they return to the flat, he doesn't understand her frustrated sounds when he kisses her, when he tries to slow their snogging back down to just that, just like always, just like normal. She finally relents and succumbs to his pace. When they're both breathless, she snuggles close to him...until she can't anymore.

He's utterly baffled when he's suddenly asked to sleep on the couch, but for the first time since he came to live with Rose--the first time in his existence--he does.

On Day Fifty, he understands why they call it "getting lucky." His brain is shrouded in a blissful haze, yet singularly focused on one thing: he has just had sex with Rose Tyler. He's done the deed, gotten busy, mattress mamboed, knocked boots--he doesn't have boots; maybe he should get some--and he feels a little bit like whooping...but his bones are liquid and he's melting into the soft down of the bed. His hair is in a state of permanent shock, his eyelids droop half-mast, and his mouth is set in a goofy sort of half-grin that doesn't seem to want to fade, but he doesn't mind. He fights to keep his eyes open just to keep looking down at an equally happy Rose falling asleep with one arm across his chest, her hand above his single heart, and her legs tangled with his.

On Day Seventy-Seven, they spend the entire day in bed. He moans loudly.

She tells him through a stuffed-up nose to "shu' ub."

"'Shut up'? Really? These could be my last words, Rose Tyler. I'm going to die!"

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am."

"It's just a cold."

"Is not. It's swine flu, bird flu, SARS--No." He gasps. "The Plague!"

"It's not the Plague. They didn't even have that here."He whines and moans and groans and "But Roooooose"s, and even though she's miserable herself, she brings him soup, blows on it when it's too hot, and patiently cleans him up when he sneezes in her face and half the bowl goes down his front.

On Day One-Hundred Twelve, they're not okay. Neither of them knows how they got to this point, but hurtful things are being flung carelessly to the air between them. Things like maybe if he came back, she'd leave with him--back to her own universe, back home. Things like maybe if the wanker did come back, he'd just steal his TARDIS, and he could be the one stuck on this stupid planet in this stupid world.

He pulls at the doorknob, tries to flee with some dignity, but the jamb sticks. He twists and pulls and jiggles the lock and finally it breaks free. Tears prickle in his eyes, and he wants to know why this stupid body has his tear ducts hardwired to his frustration. It's a dumb design; he doesn't feel like crying, he feels like running.

He winces when he hears the door slam behind him--he didn't really mean that--but it's done. He can't take it back. He runs.

On Day One-Hundred Fourteen, he runs home. She's ready for him when he walks in, and he isn't expecting that. He's expecting to at least be able to change out of the clothes he left in, the ones that are soaked through and clinging to his cold skin. Maybe even a shave and a steaming cup of tea. He doesn't get those things; they're going to have it out right now.

She unfurls herself from the blankets, rises from the couch with an un-drunk, already-cold mug of tea in her hand and strides toward him. They're toe-to-toe before he can find his voice.

"Still mad?"

She leans in close and he's nervous. "Yes," she says against his temple. "Definitely," against his jaw.

He shivers, swallows thickly, and thinks--knows--they should solve this with words, but when she pulls back to look at him like that, he thinks the words can wait.

They're both sorry, and that's enough for now.

They're a mess of tangled limbs and warm breath as they fall to the bed. His wet clothes are left on the carpet and oh, she's not going to like that later. He wonders how he has room for that thought when he's got a half-naked Rose Tyler in his arms, then he knows: he never wants to make her mad at him again.

Right now, he decides, he's going to make her very, very happy with him.

On Day One-Hundred Fifty, he thinks Rose might be pregnant. He wants to believe it's his superior Time Lord brain counting thirty days to the millisecond. He knows it's his human brain and his human something else.

He's not sure if she thinks that--that there might soon be three heartbeats between them again--but he thinks he's scared, delighted, anxious, proud, reckless, loving, loved, amazed.

He wonders if it's a human trick, to feel all these things at once and not explode into light. If so, it's better than any trick any Time Lord ever had.

On Day One-Hundred Fifty-Two, he finds out he's wrong when she throws a pillow at him and demands toffee and a backrub.

He's not sure why he isn't relieved, or of the reasons he should be.

On Day Two-Hundred Two, he drops a ring--the ring--down the garbage disposal and panics. He stares down the dark void of the drain in horror.

Neither of them are ready for the question to be asked, but that ring....It's The Ring, and he's not going to find a replacement. When his own hand fails him (as does chewing-gum-on-a-wire and the vacuum hose with a bit of nylon over the top) he admits defeat and calls a plumber.

When Rose asks what happened, he has to tell her he finally finished that sonic prototype, and it was rather less successful than one might have hoped--wellll, by that he means it was a complete failure.

She rolls her eyes and asks him what's for supper.

On Day Three-Hundred Ninety-Eight, he thinks they are ready, but she comes home with two zeppelin tickets.

"Fancy a trip?"

"Yes!" he exclaims too loudly. He's done so well so far. He's only had a few freak-outs--no, they weren't freak-outs. Slips, lapses, tiny episodes, he thinks. But oh, would he love to travel. He doesn't have the universe at his fingertips anymore, but this world is still different, still has a lot to offer. Maybe the Sphinx still has a nose because he wasn't there to meddle, and maybe the sand feels different under his feet there because the silicon dioxide content isn't the same in this universe. Maybe the Great Wall of China wasn't built, but there's one in Mexico, and maybe the view is still spectacular. Maybe the best chips on the planet aren't at their old haunt at the hole-in-the-wall on Baker and Twenty-Fourth. Maybe they're across the globe in Sydney, and maybe they can find them.

"Yes," he says quieter, and then, "Where?"

"Anywhere."

"Okay."

"Okay."

And they go.

On Day Four-Hundred Twelve, they're running for their lives from a hunter-gatherer group in the Amazon that he's managed to insult.

They run, and the humidity gives them an endless supply of sweat. Huge droplets pool from every pore making their hair stick close to their scalps and their clothes stick to their skin as though they'd just emerged from a swimming hole fully-clothed and a muddy one at that, with the way the forest wants to cling to them and never let go.

He knows it's just something in the way this adrenal-cortical system works that makes him think that maybe they're really going to die this time, something about these rubbish--wonderful--human hormones, but he says the words anyway.

"Will you marry me?"

"What?" she says between tight gasps for air.

"Marry me.”

"Her answer doesn't come immediately. He doesn't know if she's thinking or trying to find the air for the words or both, but he's dying every second.

"Okay," she says, then looks over her shoulder to the group gaining on them. "Can it wait?"

"Yes!" he exclaims. He hollers an indecipherable word, grabs her hand, and they run faster.

#ficandchips #yeah this is just me rebuilding my blog shhhh #i like never reread things i've written past a certain point #for fear of the cringe #but there is not much cringe here #and some phrases i still like #so #boop doop

[mindwideopen]

I am, a born again giver. I’ve taken for waaaayyy too long. Hoarding, keeping, covetous behavior. Believe me, I’ve done it. But I’ve decided, I have been needy, and a taker. I have kept things, in my house, that I don’t use, that is energy that others could be using, for a long time. I’ve also withheld my love, to people in my relationships. I’m being honest, because it feels better to do it, and because, I’ve decided that it’s time for a change, for the whole of me.

The fact is, I’ve hidden, and withheld, my love from people I love, that I feel I’ve been hurt by. The hurt, is what caused, and causes my behavior in those cases. Ask anyone who knows me. I’m, a jerk. Well, that’s how I feel they feel. And I see that a lot, in my daily life. Jerk... asshole... fuckers... all of them. Well, the fact is, none of them, are that. I saw, what I felt. And that’s how it works. Fear vs. love, is a real thing. All emotions break down to either fear or love, and love, ain’t that.

Deciding to love, is not a job for the weak. Love gets a bad rap sometimes. “I love you”. Pussy... love is for chicks with dicks. You can’t possibly love. You’re a man. You have to be strong, and powerful, and show dominance over all others. Well, I have, and quite frankly, I hate having that kind of a penis.

Love is not a pussy action. It takes balls upon balls, to love. Or, as Betty white says, balls are weak, why not love like a pussy, cause it takes a good pounding. I’m paraphrasing, but that was the gist. Love, isn’t the dick move, it’s the best move you can make, and here’s why; love envelopes you, in power. The power of love, moves people to be, who they are. It allows the contrast to fade, and the love out shines all hate, and fear. Fear, is what holds us back from achieving the life we all desire. The lives all look different, cause what floats one of us may not do it for another, but ultimately the very same effect occurs. Happiness.

Happiness is relative, but the result of your feeling good, affects the whole of us all. The people who are happy, are more likely to love others, and treat people with respect and kindness. Seems pretty obvious, but we don’t tend to concentrate on creating that in our lives deliberately sometimes. The deliberate attention to loving ourselves, starts the chain of how the collective consciousness feels and acts, and how we feel and behave towards others, is the result. The fact is, only love, can save us all.

But love, is a lofty goal. It is. Love! Pft! So general. So stupid. Ok, I’ll love. Yeah, right. That will “save the world”. Whatever. Yep. That’s where it starts. With our perception toward love. So let’s try to define it. What is love to you? Maybe love is fast cars and hot women. Maybe love is a badass motorcycle on an empty highway going 88 mph. Or maybe love is a kitten, who cares? The point is, love, is a personal thing. But whatever does it for you, do that more often. Cause it will aid, in how we all treat one another, and feel about ourselves in the process. The 2 go hand in hand, really. The love, we feel, we give, and the love we see, we acknowledge to ourselves, as our own self worth.

Well, now I’m in the soup. Cause my son was trying to talk to me, and I got mad cause I was trying to type this post, and he wanted to talk. A lot. So, the loving thing to do? Whatever you feel, is good. So, are you feeling guilty like I am? If you are, go back and acknowledge your misstep. If not, continue your anger, the rest of the day pointed at him. Or, decide to let it all go, and act normally next time. All of these options, vaiid, but what feels the best? Well, I’m peeing right now as I type, but eventually, I’ll go back and apologize, and be cool with my boy, cause he’s pretty neat, and I dig having an open, and good relationship with him. Please hold, as I wipe, and do that. I’ll let you know how it turns out. Ok, the wiping went as expected, and my son and I, are cool. I apologized. Cause he comes first to me. That’s the way I choose to love, not for anyone else, but myself. Because loving my son, is my top priority, sometimes. And sometimes, all the time, I’m human. And I get aggravated that I’m not where I want to be in my life, and I’m not the best mom, but we try to stay vigilant as humans that are trying their best to be good parents and people to everyone in our lives. It’s a process, and we have our lives, to practice.

Life isn’t always the easiest to navigate. But, that’s a belief I have to overcome. It can be easy, if I think it is. My beliefs, dictate how I feel about things like that, myself, and others. The actions I decide to take are ruled by me. My moods, my emotions, who cut me off on the road, who screwed me over years ago, who talked shit about me and I found out about it. A lot of things in life affect the moods of us all. And when we interact, all is accounted for. “Oh yeah? Well I’m not taking your shit ever again! Fuck off!” “Fine! Oh, and I’ll take back my Pink Floyd album with David gilmour on there, and he’s hot, even though he’s in his mid 70s... whatever!” “Yeah, and give me back my copy of Aerosmith’s pump, cause you and I both know that steven Tyler had sex in an elevator, a lot, the whole band probably has!” “Oh yeah? Well I want my copy of peter Gabriel’s “I love to be loved” back, cause I do, and I don’t love you!” “Great, and ll take back my Nazareth’s love hurts, cause it fuckin does!” “Well, the indigo girls write about that love shit all the time, so it’s all mine now!” “Whatever, rem says “I am the everything” so I am, and “everybody hurts” so you can suck it, cause you hurt me! Asshole...” “Uh huh, right! I’m over this shit! So I’m gonna take back all of “the cure” on out of here, by deleting your ass, that is big, like sir mix a lots big butt song! I’m out!” (Other person sticks tongue out) scene.

Why am I an asshole, to myself? Why do I choose my “right tight assness” over loving someone and getting over my own shit? Cause of hurt. Cause of pain, cause of not being heard or appreciated for being myself. Well, all that is also valid, but who is in charge of how I feel? No one, but me. So how do I stop myself from being insulted by everyone’s ass behavior? By changing my perception of it. Well, I can’t. Cause it hurt, and really pissed me off. So wait a minute... I’m in charge of that shit! Right, so now what? Well, I decide to focus on something else for a bit, until I feel a little better. Yeah, but I still am thinking about that ass move! What a douche! Right, I’m right back to where I started. Thinking about the ass. So, now what? Well, be accepting in the moment. “Fuck them! Yeah! Jerks...” how is that energy working for you? Not at all. Right. Focus, is everything.

Is it easy at first? Fuck no! It’s terrible! It hurts and I’m mad and I hate and it’s everyone’s fault and they are all against me, and they’re happy and I’m not and the world isn’t fair and the gas prices are high and the taxes are too and I’m gonna get high or drink to numb and make myself balance out a bit. THAT’S how it starts. And that’s not where it ends. It ends, with everyone, losing their g. d. minds with misery and upset.

We are all interconnected. There is not one person, that isn’t in some way connected to another. Even the hermit in the forest by themselves, is connected to nature, which is connected to themselves, and everyone else. Our shared humanity, is what brings us together, whether we like it, or not. So why not become one? Because fear, rocks that boat, and HARD!

I’m not like them! They have NO F’N CLUE what I’ve been through, or the experiences I’ve had, or the love I’ve been denied! They’re this, or that, or not into what I’m into, or a different race, or gender, or socioeconomic class, or whatever, just NOT like me, so they can’t say SHIT! Yes, well, do you like pumpkin spice lattes? Wtf?! Pumpkin spice lattes? I’m talking to you about your uneducated ass talking to me about me, ok? And now you’re talking about pumpkin spice lattes. You’re stupid! Yes, I am, but do you like them? I don’t know... the hell with this conversation... ok. Well, if you do, here’s a Starbucks gift card for one. Maybe we can discuss how you feel over one. Um, no, cause you’ll never get me. I’m too different from you. Got it. Then which latte do you like, cause there’s a lot to choose from..

There’s a commonality between people that were missing in society today. Similarities run rampant around the world, but we seem to blow right past it sometimes, without a bat of an eyelash. The similarity, is love. We all need it. We all crave it; understanding, care, compassion, empathy. But do we give it freely? And do we give it, to ourselves?

Here’s how I give love to myself the best I can, and mind you, I’m no expert. Just sharing some observations here. I mean, I’m not educated. I’m still technically in my junior year of college. I only have an associates degree in liberal arts, not psychology. I’m not a very good example of what you would call, “a success” or even employed. So what do I know? THAT, is what I used to say to myself, in my head, a lot. Now, my internal monologue, all be it not perfect, is different. It’s, “hey Kari. Let’s do our best to love today. Oh shit, all I see that I’m getting from people is more hate. Ok, recognized and reconsidered. I don’t have to stay in this place in my mind, seeing all that hate. What can I do to jar myself out of it, and perceive more positively? Think the next best thought I can believe, fully. Ok, what’s that? How about, I’m a good person who does her best? I mean, it’s true. I try. Yes, cool. What can you do to take care of you today? Deodorant! Yes! How about a shower? Better! Ok.” and so on and so forth.

Love, is not always a grand gesture. And it’s a word we throw away often. Love is the small things we do, to get to the bigger things. That’s how energy works. Incrementally. We can’t go and sustain a surge of energy. I’m better! I’m healed! From feeling like shit? Really? Yes! All better! I’ll never feel that way again, Thank fuck, cause that way was ass! I mean, I was feeling like ass, but now, I’m better, cause those people are douches, and I’m not, so I feel better cause they’re out, and I’m alone without they’re energy... um, yeah. Well, I was feeling good until I triggered myself back with the thoughts of how they were douches, and mad... yes, im back in ass gulch again in my head. And I’ve been stuck in this line with the mask on at the Trader Joe’s now, (a store I usually love with a shit ton of friendly good people both working and shopping there but I can’t see that perception today, cause I’m mad, and I feel like shit) for way too long! We see, what we want to see. We experience, what we expect and believe. That’s the truth. Whether it’s true or not is irrelevant. The choices we make on how to feel about things, are. The choice to think the thoughts we think, about everything, every day is life.

Life is not all easy n shit. My belief. It’s hard to get money. Another belief. My cat pissed on my face this morning, so my life is over, not a belief I hold, as I don’t have a cat, cause allergic. But I do know, that I can piss on myself with my thoughts, and have the same effect. Affect, effect? The same in this case. What affects us, is the effects of us all.

Being human, just is. What we make of our collective human experience and how we treat others? Our choice completely. Decisions are based on our beliefs, and our beliefs are based on either love or fear. I have to go now, as my son is hungry. But I’ll leave you with this; I love you. I stand with you in love. Choose hate, which is fear, and I won’t. My son is listening to the song, “stand by me”. My promise to you is that I will stand by you, in love, if I decide to. Love is an emotion that I’m still working on too. I fall in and out of it. But the choice, is always to hop back on the love train, cause it’s taking me places I want to go. To happyville. ❤️

#lawofattraction #love #lovematters #loveyourself #choose love #loveis #lovecore #self love #self esteem #selfworth #self reflection #selfleadership #selfawareness #self healing #mind wide open #kari keillor

[sierrabinondo]

woodland creatures tour - day 8 (falls church)

finally got around to starting the final journal. life picks back up so quickly for me when i return from going anywhere, really, so it’s hard to stick to little projects like this. but i probably could have benefited from writing this sooner after the actual last day of tour haha. it’s funny how we only leave for a week or so but it feels like our lives shift so drastically during that time. it really does take time to snap back into reality and accept normalcy.

after a good night of bullshitting until super late (we tried to put on hot ones around 2:00 am but all passed out shortly after) we grabbed coffee and breakfast at coffeeology (i THINK that’s the name) in greensboro. we stopped at a shop literally across the street from the venue we played last year, new york pizza. seeing that place again reminded us of playing to literally our tourmates destination dimension and maybe like 3 other people in the room, versus the couple dozen we played to last night. the main band that played the gig that night literally sat outside the entire show with their friends and only came inside for when they had to play. it was disheartening, to say the least. this time, we didn’t play to a crowd that was there for us, but we played to so many more people who actually stayed inside to watch us. 

i wish i could remember this drive, i didn’t have any work to do so i think this was the day i bought untitled goose game and i was playing it a little bit haha. we listened to some music and just enjoyed the trek to our last gig on this run. of course, we started to hit traffic as we approached falls church, which is in the DC area for anyone not familiar. however, we were still making okay time. we could make a detour to drop our bags at the hotel in vienna, get food, and then run our dual band cover of uneasy hearts with pulses. forgot to mention this in the jacksonville journal lmao, i approached kevin with this idea for the last show of tour super casually and we did end up deciding as a whole to go through with it! 

the hotel in vienna was such a strange spot, but it was kind of cool? we stayed at the vienna wolf trap hotel hahaha. all of the decor was SO DATED but it was still pretty okay. the guy at the desk was nice, we somehow got on the topic that we were a band on tour rand he gave us late check-in for free! ended up not needing it. but it’s the thought that counts haha. we arrive to the venue and jaime’s girlfriend rebecca is there to greet us :’) poor girl drove their RV all the way down to virginia alone, and that thing drives slowly. but then that meant jaime could ride back up to jersey with her which was good. 

it is insane how at home we feel at falls church. i guess everyone south of maryland is just way fucking cooler than the northeast lmao, but it’s like pulling up to play somewhere at home in jersey and running into old friends. i can’t get over that we have that in a state hundreds of miles from home. it was good to see familiar faces and be back at the vfw. our friends’ band to michigan, with love was also on the gig, and our newer friends in science penguin joined us on the show as well! it was an all-around homie fest. i rolled up to the venue with the remainder of the trulys i purchased the night before, and shoved the box in the fridge haha. i was ready to just chillll. 

because we have played here a handful of times, it is also now tradition to walk across the parking lot and go get korean fried chicken at the restaurant next door. it fucking sucks, we always arrive just in time to eat before doors and i normally can’t eat jack shit because of fried/spicy food being horrible for my voice. i ordered bibimbap and then 12 wings to go, for after the show lmao. or a snack after we play!! but i ended up forgetting to FUCKING eat them AND they just sat out overnight in the van so they were toast. goddamnit. i think the restaurant is literally just called bbq fried chicken, the way they fry their chicken is just perfect. the sauces are all delicious and everything besides that on the menu is also tasty. 

i wanted so badly to break my last set of tour curse. it’s definitely a self-imposed, silly, superstitious thing, but my last set of tour iS ALWAYS HOT GARBAGE. i always for sure mess up. and this was probably the best last set of tour i’ve had but still not my best performance all of tour haha. i got lost the bridge of murder mountain and couldn’t hear my bandmates for some reason? fucking embarrassing but!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cannot stress enough how much fun it was. it truly was. fucking, we’re about to play pixelated and i’m trying to give my SHPIEL about not being a JERK musician and i hear the sounds of “smooth” by carlos santana featuring rob thomas faintly playing through my in-ears. i rip them off and i’m like, what the fuck is going on LMAO. surprise, the pulses. gang were behind it, and tyler, taylor and kevin come dancing up to the stage. i was DEAD. we never do last day of tour pranks so we were fuuuully unprepared hahaha. it was so funny. my meme now takes on a whole new meaning!! 

most importantly this show felt like such a fun celebration of tour. pulses., as they did all tour, hyped us up during almost every song and went off for synapse fires. we are too fucking lucky to have them as friends. they really helped make every set and every show feel worth the hours of travel and sometimes stress. to look out and see their faces in the crowd and singing the words uplifted us each night. it’s unfair that we live so far apart. it’s like how they say your soulmate could be literally anywhere in the world but you won’t know until you go look??? it’s like that but with finding supportive friends. i’m not sure if we’ve stressed this enough but this tour gave us strength to keep going as musicians, due in part to their friendship. we always joked like how the fuck we’re supposed to just go on not playing shows together or seeing each other all the time but it really does suck lmao. i was in my feelings in both a good and bad way, soooo i immediately scurried off the stage to go grab a truly the second we were done HAHA

it’s always so sad to watch your friends play their last set of tour, too. well moreso bittersweet! but you know that it’ll be your last time seeing them play for a while. i enjoyed every single minute. i love watching them play hometown shows, too. halfway through we jumped on stage to do the uneasy hearts cover, completely unrehearsed, and i’d say we did a pretty damn good job. such a fun way to send off the woodland creatures tour. i had always wanted to do something like this, where two bands play on stage at once (holla me versus i nd the artwork of). the energy the whole song was so infectious, it was fun to see people in the crowd go off too. also, fucking KRIS KHUNACHAK shot this video with TWO ANGLES holding both his cameras at the same time. i still can’t get over that.

i love that pulses. played you already know as their closer, it was the perfect way to wrap up their set and the best bookend to the setlist they chose. kevin would get on the mic every night and speak to the crowd, dude is just really good at being a performer and resonating with people. in jacksonville he sat down and everyone followed his lead haha. it was fun to dance one last time with everyone as we watched pulses. kill it before the tour came to an official end. we then gathered outside to take group pictures. it’s the part you don’t wanna get to, because it signals farewells in the near future, but we took some really great ones. 

post-gig taco bell plans were foiled, but someone recommended the silver dollar diner nearby. diners outside of jersey are normally horrifying but i trusted the people we were with. we piled back in our vehicles and rolled 20 heads deep to the diner. it was actually a really sick diner with tons of vegan dishes and pretty tasty food. i got chicken noodle soup, red wine and an ice cream sundae because i am a freak of nature. we ate up like 3 tables and sat altogether, just bitching about having to return to real life the following monday. but also, trying to plan the next time we would see each other. already!! and!! talking about doing more shows together. we try to work with different people all the time but there are a select few bands we would tour with or gig with again and again and again and pulses. are one of them. after how much fun this run was it’s pretty hard to imagine not doing this again. it just... makes sense. so much sense. and it feels wrong to not do it again lmao.  

goodbyes were bittersweet. we huddled in the parking lot by our van to say goodnight and see ya later, one by one. fuckin, tyler is moving to nashville very soon so we all probably won’t see him for a hot minute :’----------( thankfully everyone else really isn’t that far if we planned a weekend trip to meet halfway or if we wanted to make the trip out to each other, thank god!!! i don’t know what i would do if i couldn’t always have a part of this tour with me, somehow or some way.

afterword

was thinking of adding a lengthy epilogue but it’s essentially just me openly sobbing in the van the entire ride home hahaha. you’d think that every single time it would get easier to come home but it doesn’t. i know why touring impacts me as much as it does emotionally, but when the bittersweet acceptance of coming home pours over into tears like it does, i feel kinda silly. i’m sure that there are musicians who are constantly gigging that would love nothing more than to be home more, and i know that if i was in their shoes i would come to dread touring, too. 

i really, truly wish i was in a place, or that my bandmates and i, were in a place to tour more often, but for now we have what we have. and that’s okay. i want to share something beautiful our friend charlene posted today that deeply moved me: 

This is the moment. I’ve made it.

People always ask me “what are you gonna do when you’ve made it?” I need you to understand something; I’ve already made it. I am living out my dreams. It’s not easy and obviously I would only hope that’s I will continue to grow, to reach bigger goals, to push the limits. But I’ve already made it. This is the moment. I won’t let myself miss out on the beauty of life that’s right in front of me because I’m too worried about something that may or may not come tomorrow. This is the moment.

[loveisfakeasfuck]

Bored...get to know me I guess

Are you “with” the very last person you kissed? negative

Ever dated/kissed a someone with the name Casey, Tyler, Ryan, Jordan, Colton, Rebecca, Samantha, Lauren, Taylor, or Ashley? Jordan, Taylor...I think that’s it?

Was your last kiss, standing up, sitting down, or lying down? Sitting in a car

Are you happy with the choices you’ve made? I mean not all of them but I don’t regret anything

Are you excited for anything? I should be but I’m not in a stellar mood right now tbh

Do you hate the last person you kissed? I barely know him lol

You’re stuck in an elevator with one of your worst enemies, what do you do? haha idk

Will this weekend be a good one? It should be!

Are you mad at someone right now? I’m mad at a situation I guess, not a person

Do you like to listen to the radio in the car? No I do spotify

Do you sleep with a fan on? no

How is your hair right now? It needs to be washed tbh

Have you ever broken up with someone for someone else?

No

How many windows are open on your computer? two

How tall are you? five zerooo

Is something bothering you? Yes

Have you ever taken a shower with anyone before? Yes

Have you ever laughed at something that wasn’t meant to be funny? Yes

Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex “Fuck you”? Yes

Do you like to cuddle? Depends. If I don’t feel connected to you or attracted to you no but if we have chemistry then yes

Have you done anything sneaky lately? Not really haha

Is your hair clean? We already went over this haha hell nah

Last night, did you go to sleep smiling? No. I was hungover af lol

Were you happy when you woke up today? No, I had a sore throat

What are you drinking right now? Hot water with apple cider vinegar and honey

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? Yes

Does someone have feelings for you? Maybe idk

Have you ever been cheated on? Yes

How are you feeling right now? Kind of depressed honestly

What are you sick of? things not going my way

Are you missing anyone/something? my brother, my grandma, being in a relationship

Relationship to the last person you called? mom

Could you date someone shorter than you? that would be a feat to find a guy shorter than 5 foot haha

Is there anybody you just wish would fall of the planet? fuckboys

Do you wear glasses? yeah

Where did you sleep last night? my bed

Do you straighten your hair? sometimes

What color shirt are you wearing? black

Do you have a best friend? yes

Do you wish you had the chance to go back in time and change something now? no

Who is the last person you got a text from? Lauren

Are you excited for winter? It is winter and I am not pleased about it honestly haha

What were you doing before you started this survey? just reblogging away

Can you honestly say that you love yourself? I really can

How many people have you kissed? The number is honestly probably somewhere in the 40s lolol

Do you just feel awkward when you dance? No but I probably should hahah

Do you think you spend too much time feeling upset? I do

Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance? Nah

Do you own a pair of uggs? us middle class bitches own bearpaws

What are your plans for tomorrow? going to work

Has the person you have feelings for ever told you that you’re attractive? I don’t particularly have feelings for anyone right now

Can you get over people easily? depends on what your definition of “easily” is

Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay? I mean no

How was your weekend? it had it’s ups and downs but it ended nicely

Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? acquaintences

How do you feel right now? a little depressed

Do you hide your feelings or show them? it’s very hard for me to hide my feelings

Do you like to have long hair or short hair? I prefer it longer but I’ve kept it short for a while

What is the last thing you cooked today? I warmed up a can of soup haha

What do you always take with you? chapstick

Last person you drove around in a car with? Angie bae

Do you think relationships are hard? they’re a lot of work but I wouldn’t say they’re always hard

What are your plans for this weekend? I’m going to see the Chainsmokers and then going to my friend’s grad party

Any friends who are constantly venting about their significant other? Not constantly but everyone needs to vent every once in a while I feel

Have you ever been ice-skating? yes

Do you obsessively apply lip-gloss or lip balm? I apply chap stick like a lot unless I’m wearing lipstick

Anything in your room that you’re hiding from your parents or someone else? I mean I’m pretty sure my parents wouldn’t be happy about my vibrator but I’m also 24 and don’t live with them so I’m not too worried about it lol

Do you think you’d have what it takes to shoot someone if you had to protect yourself? honestly no

What’s your most noticeable flaw? I mean I have a lot of tics but idk if I consider that a flaw

And what’s your best feature? I have nice tits lol

When you can tell that someone’s lying, do you call them out on it? depends on the situation. like in front of people, no, but in private, yes.

Have you ever hallucinated? I get super high fevers when I’m sick and I usually hallucinate when that happens

Do you like Musicals? I do

Is your hair damaged? Not too badly I just fully died it for the first time ever

Do you live with anyone that you try to avoid at all costs? nah my roommates are cool

Who was the last person you threw out of your life? I wouldn’t say I’ve ever “thrown” anyone out of my life

Do you regret something you did yesterday? met a guy at the bar on Saturday and stayed the night with him, but I don’t think I gave him my number and I kind of regret that a little

When was the last time you cried? yesterday

Why were you crying? because I found out that one of the biggest fuckboys I know is in a relationship and I don’t think it’s fair that he gets to be in a relationship and I don’t. stupid I know but that’s why

Whats the last thing you ate? crackers and hummus

What kind of bottoms are you wearing? printed leggings

What do you hear right now? my roommates are watching some youtube video in the living room

How many hours did you sleep last night? idk enough

Is something bothering you right now? we’ve hella been over this already

In the past week have you gotten sick? I woke up with a sore throat this morning

In the past week have you felt stupid? yes

In the past week have you got your hair cut? no

What were you doing at 9 AM this morning? working on my final paper for class

In the past week have you felt sad? yes

Has someone disappointed you recently? mmm nah

#survey #about me #me #questions #answers #personal

[buffalowingsfortwo]

10/1/19 2:30 am

ash to faith

this is a big night for wondering if im the only person that’s gonna be posting here anymore. even if i am, i’ll still do it. it was a nice idea.

i woke up today around 1, and had plans for 2:20 to get julya and alyssa and get smoothies. i got up, ready, and picked up julya, and then alyssa said she actually had to cancel. this opened up more time for me and julya to do whatever, so we went back to my house and got a couple of cans of blue spray paint and my polaroid camera and left. i took her to a broken and abandoned shed that i’ve only visited once, and we made it our own. aside from its own wreckage and debris, it was clear before us. it’s cute now. we spent a bit of time there, and left when we started to get scared, and i remembered i had left my second phone at home.

we went back to my house and i got my phone and we left again. i told her about a church that was growing in popularity for indie stoners in the valley, but that i still considered very much my own. i took her on the half-hour drive out there, and she used the time to ask me about the universe and life and astrology and religion and different theories about existence. i think we both went a lot deeper than we meant to, but it was nice and it came very naturally.

we got to the church, which wasn’t clear by any means, but still tried to make some of it our own. we tried our best to make jokes and leave love letters - mine in english, hers in russian - and i told her about how that church is where every piece of existence starts and ends. she ran around and tried to label what parts of the building served what purpose. we left our very sloppy mark, and it was one of the most exciting things to happen to either of us. i don’t know why the day happened the way it did, i just know it was exactly as it should’ve been.

we left the church when we started to run out of spray paint and the anxiety started to kick. on the drive back, we talked a bit more about life, but for the most part, we stayed quiet. my cd player switched to sam’s town by the killers and i told her about what that record is to me. she said she appreciated hearing it, and she loved the ways people connected with things and viewed periods of their lives through those lenses. i turned the album up and we sang along and pointed out other broken down buildings we drove past. the lack of speech should’ve been awkward, because this was our first time actually hanging out, but it wasn’t. everything about it felt right.

i drove and i sang and i thought a lot. i’ve hung out with julya a couple times before, at parties and on the night of bowling, but i never had the chance to get to know her. kind of. julya is a kind and sweet and bright person, but the world has always been the opposite to her. because of this, she’s someone that gets talked about. never bad things, but mostly things that no one but her should have the right to say. i knew some of her secrets before she told me them, and i felt guilty, even though it wasn’t really my fault. before i had ever even met her in person, i had found out she had hung out with tyler and jaxx. i knew nothing about her at the time, but because i didn’t know at the time that jaxx was still in love with me and she had a boyfriend, i thought he was trying to rebound with her, because i was still that insane, so i hated her. a bit later, tyler brought her up to me, and told me things about her he had no right to repeat, and told me “she’s basically you if you were a good person who handled things in a productive way.” so i hated her. and i continued to hate her until i met her. and then i felt awful for ever thinking anything about her. because she’s just a person. she’s an amazing person, with a lot of different levels, but she’s just a person. other people turned her into an intangible concept, and i judged her based on it. meeting her, and then really meeting her, humbled me. she never did anything to be hated. i just have self esteem issues.

but my thoughts didn’t end there. i thought about how she’s talked about, and how i heard about her from more than those two people, and i wondered if people talked about me. i wondered how many of my secrets are on display for the world. i imagine it’s a lot, because i’ve known a lot of people who can never shut up, but it also might not be many, because most people don’t care enough about me to remember details about my life. it’s weird to be introduced to a person, but to not even know them until months later. i wish people would stop introducing me to other people. other people’s judgements rarely fall in line with my own. i think a lot of problems come from me being introduced to people before i can meet them myself.

another weird thing about talking to julya - we know so many of the same people, but in so many different ways. she told me about people i knew and made me realize how much i really didn’t know. i thought about all the things i know about people she’s been close to before, and how i didn’t bring it up, because there was never an appropriate time, and im trying to talk about people less. but i wondered how much she knew about people that i had known. i wondered how much one of us was unintentionally keeping from the other, and i wondered how different all of our relationships are. i think at some point, it’ll all come out. we aren’t the same at all, but there’s something about her that does just stick with me. we don’t live the same life, but we bleed similarly enough for it to count. i don’t know why yet, but i trust her.

when we got back into the actual city, we decided to go to goodwill. before we went in, we sat in the car, and talked about a bunch of the drama in her life. as it turns out, everyone sucks and is awful, and it might now be us against the rest of the world. im kind of okay with that. after, we went in and we looked around a bit, but i had no money. julya said she would’ve been happy to buy me a couple shirts, but i said i couldn’t let her do that. so we left.

when we were walking out, i texted my mom and begged for enough money to get a drink somewhere, because julya kept talking about smoothies, and i would’ve rather died than have had her pay for me. my mom agreed, so we went to jamba juice. i refused to order with julya, so she had the cashier hide her card, and then use it again to pay immediately after i ordered. i was mad, but i admire her dedication. we waited and talked about how we were gonna beat up every awful person we know, and i took pictures of her because she looked really nice in that lighting. we got our drinks, and then i had to take her home, so i could be back in time for mutual.

when i dropped her off, we went on loops about how the day had been so perfect and we were so excited it happened and we couldn’t wait for it to happen again and how we were best friends and we loved each other and we both looked beautiful and everything was amazing. eventually, she got out of the car, and her mom opened the front door when she got up there, and two dogs ran out. i laughed and waved to julya and her mom, and left.

i went home and grabbed my laptop and shawn and went to mutual. they were doing a service project or something, but i just worked on homework. im really freaking out about the speech i have to do in less than a week. i don’t know how im gonna manage, but whatever happens, it’s just a class, and it probably won’t kill me. so im trying not to panic too much.

i went home and watched tv and did work and ate soup. i ate a caramel apple with peanuts and discovered i hate peanuts. i started getting ready for bed around 1, and im here now. this is early to bed for me, and im hoping to make a habit of going to bed earlier every night. i have a lot of stress, so im just trying to be more gentle with myself and my body right now. at least until finals hit and i go back to living off of energy drinks and hot cheetos.

“this is the day your life will surely change, this is the day when things fall into place”

- this is the day by the the

[blondfishbish]

Weird Shit My Friends Have Said With Zero Context

"You are an in innocent little slut." "Dab party." "Sloth-looking uniboob bitch." "I am the housewife, fuck." "My precious child, Satan." "Bow before my technology." "See, I didn't think about that because I am inconsiderate." "I'm just trying to show that I'm interested even though I'm not." "There are no stars-" "Because they're all in your eyes." "Gay." "How the hell did you get off to a bad start with the neighbors?" "They're aliens I swear." "I look like a discount Harry Potter." "Twas pretty gooch." "I am a bad millennial." "Trust no one but have fun." "I don't mean to be the mom friend yes I do." "Please don't bring the Kardashians into my classroom, they shouldn't exist." "This is a Möbius strip of fuckitude." "I just work here." "Entirely my fault but that does not mean I won't fuck up again." "I think I pretty much am a golden retriever." "Where do you sleep?" "There's a fridge." "I'm gonna drop it -five.... four... three... two... one." "Reflexes like a cat." "She gave you a count down." "They're kinda fucked up in the head so they named him George." "Hold onto your gravy, it's gonna be a bumpy ride." "One two three four, I declare a thumb war." "It's not a war if I submit." "My choices are poor and my wallet is poorer." "I enjoy the name 'Poog.'" "How about you drink a nice tall glass of shut the hell up." "This bitch just called me an ogre." "Where do you think I get my peanut brittle from?" "A dead guy." "I'm always mad. I'm a tiny little ball angry." "Yellow." "Blue -what are we doing." "What'd you say? Debbie Dick? Who's Debbie?" "There's a demon in you." "Yeah, I named him Hector." "High school puppy love." "Puppies?" "That is a very tall and skinny child." "I've seen taller and skinnier." "You are a worldly child." "Fuck, she's dead." "Why does it say blue?" "It's -its blue." "I'm not her keeper." "You're her mother." "So?" "Why do I jump straight to putting people in graves." "My milkshake needs to bring all the boys to the yard." "But I'm lactose intolerant." "I knew it was a bad idea but I did it anyways. You know why? Because I don't care." "I don't want to be over the hill, I want to be under it. Bury me already." "I want donuts." "You know what, Emily? You don't get fucking donuts." "You're my donut." "Thanks man." "What's your character?" "I don't know, black?" "I have a knack for order of operations." "Here's the thing: we have a lot of oreos." "Who even is this guy?" "Don't you fuckin' wink at me you bitch." "I want my skin to feel as if it's on fire." "I'm upsetti spaghetti." "That's my favorite meal." "I am the spawn point." "Saying that I woke up early implies that I went to sleep, which would be incorrect." "Fuck me up with a chicken stick." "I know you're an asshole, but try to be less of an asshole." "Nick is Arabic for dick." "Actually I'm pretty sure dick is Arabic for dick." "Guys, don't try to confuse me it's too easy." "I fixed my syntax you bitch." "Who cares, life is pointless." "I guess you've never seen the original Icelandic play, but he's actually a blue elf." "Is this you telling me you're gonna slit my throat again because that wasn't appreciated the first time around." "I never want to see you again." "Then gouge your fucking eyes out." "I dab unironically." "I'm going to injure you." "What?" "I'm going to injure you." "You're going to eat me?" "No." "What'd you say?" "I said I'm going to injure you." "How?" "Violently." "Everything went black." "Racist." "Did you just assume that all black people are bad?" "No, I assumed that all black people are black." "You whore." "I'll attach mine back on." "That's really creepy." "What the fuck do I give about a salad." "Never mind, this is Ben, the fuck up." "You have a great face for drag." "Do you know what cookie it was? It tastes like a snickerdoodle." "Then was it maybe a fucking snickerdoodle?" "I'm trying to be fancy and you're on me." "She just wants to feel close to you." "Yeah, well feel close to me somewhere else." "Is he cute?" "No, he's white." "I have a mind like a steel trap; a steel trap corroded by time and weather." "Is that a unit of measure?" "No, that's a unit of fuck you." "You whore." "Actually, the proper term is prostitute." "But you don't get paid." "Do I need to?" "Dude, you just kicked her in the wrist." "I used to win burping contests all the time in middle school." "That is the nerdiest thing I have ever heard." "What? I was short and chubby and I wasn't particularly good at anything." "Hey, you've got shit coming out of you." "I dropped my phone on the most significant part of my pinky toe." "Am I the only one not wearing pants?" "Someone undress me." "I'm coming in hot, Bean." "I am a bad habit." "Give me your nipple." "If you get to cheat on me, I get to pinch your nipple." "Those hamsters are not having a good time." "Who even likes oats -oh. Dragons." "Why is he wearing shorts?" "He defies the gods." "He's gay. The gods don't want him." "Are you a whale or a bird?" "... I'm a dolphin." "I punched a cup." "Why do you... why do you have a cactus?" "Because I'm Mexican and we eat cactuses." "I promptly prescribe my biggest fuck you in the ass to be taken immediately." "Ow, that would be painful." "Wow, it's almost like it's a fucking knife." "Your ass. Do with it what you will." "It's a reminder not to do bad things and then I do bad things while looking at it and feel guilty." "No, officer, I do not have a burger in my purse." "I know my limits but I do not adhere to them." "We're here, we're queer, and we're just gonna go play some video games." "Fuck home, let's go to Mount Scott." "What?" "Huh? Nothing." "Jenesais pa." "Pa." "I'm always a slut for nuggies." "Ye." "I'm gonna get to go home and you -we don't know what's going to happen to you but we're going to assume it's bad." "Your shadow is suspicious." "You drive with your feet and while looking at your phone." "So? I don't see a problem with that." "Were you throwing my own Cheetos at me?" "Great, now I have peanut butter in my wound." "We can't have a soup party, Jenna." "When's our friendaversary?" "We don't have one, fuck you." "Who the fuck let the cows out." "Do you have your socks on? Because I'm about to knock them off." "It's like they literally want me to crush their body with my car." "If you're gonna rearend my car then just end me." "I don't even have pockets." "You're wearing cargo pants." "Shut up." "That was a lot of thrusting." "This is a sleepy bean. They're rare and I caught one." "Did you just refer to your vagina as Sadness and Despair." "You keep hitting me in the nose." "That's because your nose is huge." "You're such a grouchy old man." "Yes. I've been practicing." "I pledge allegiance to the flag of rock." "I am a rabbit punch." "Peanut butter is a natural ointment." "That's the wrong animal." "Peanut butter's not even an animal." "Yes." "Too many skeletons, too many closets, and I don't know where they all are." "I just burped up apples, I'm a fucking unicorn." "There's a McDonalds statue." "Otherwise known as our god." "You got chicken in my purse." "I think I just twisted my ankle galloping in here like a knight on a white horse." "What are you doing?" "I think I broke a nail." "Okay? But why are you holding onto me?" "I need balance." "Never have I ever fought a child." "You're about to." "You just head butted my Pokéball." "Fuck, man, I was sniffing that." "I'm too small to be filled with this much rage." "It's not polite to be a little bitch either, y'know, but here you are." "Is it hazing?" "No, it's friendship." "I have no clue how to start anything but fires and fistfights." "Where are we going?" "You know, if I knew I would tell you." "Tyler, I'm sorry." "Apologize later when I'll forgive you." "Can I get back on the bench? I've got one butt cheek off." "Why are you guys such nerds? " "Why are you such a fucking dick?" "I dunno know, daddy issues?" "How about you eat my ass -wait no, that's weird. How about you eat your own ass." "Hey guess what, dumbass? My car smells like fucking chicken." "You know she smokes cigarettes with eyebrows like that." "You're our teacher." "Okay, listen up assholes." "You -I -huegh." "He's like the height of chewbacca." "I'm being a desperate penis, okay?" "If she wants to be a murderer..." "You don't have any friends here, everyone wants to either see you beat or leave." "You're gonna get fucked by splooge that's disgusting." "You made a cake for yourself?" "Yeah, it's called being lonely." "He did not calculate the trajectory of how he was going to eat shit." "I don't pray." "To Lima beans yes you do." "Shut up, I'm praying to the good lord Lima Bean." "It's because of my scintillating conversation topics." "Ew I don't like that word, don't say that ever again." "... conversation?" "I didn't water my parsley! I'm upset." "We express things differently in Bean Town." "The squirrel thought your throw was embarrassing." "Moral of the story: finish making your Mac and Cheese, don't hide in the corner, the Babadook isn't real, don't watch the fuckin movie." "Did you just backhand a balloon?" "Karma doesn't exist, life just sucks." "In spirit I am a Great Dane. And you are a chihuahua." "Is that an onion?" "Yep." "Okay." "My stripper name is Borris." "That's like cheetahs without legs." "Why would you want a fish? They can't even talk." "I think you scuffed my loafers." "Somewhere in the two and a half hour movie, I'm gonna have to pee." "Weak." "I'm old and have the bladder of a small child. I make no excuses." "Trust me, if my expectations were any lower we'd all need to be worried about a serious self-esteem issue."