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listoriented · 4 years

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Cibele

: a discussion.

Cibele is a game by Star Maid Games/ Nina Freeman [Nina’s website], and released in 2015. Feeling that my friends had more interesting things to say about Cibele than I did, I decided to get their thoughts on the record. Thus was born the first ever List Oriented podcast.

Sian Campbell edits Scum Mag and once baked a very good cake. Xanthea O’Connor [twitter] is a writer, performance-artist, audio tech person and a million other things.

Xanthea also made the podcast theme song and helped with recording and EQ. Interlude music was excerpted from the Cibele soundtrack by Decky Coss [bandcamp].

Hit the "read more" button at the bottom there to see the transcript.

Some topics we discussed include: - representations of early/online relationships - is Ichi a creep? - the framing of the ending - to what extent claims to autobiography matter

Some other books and games mentioned: - The Passionate Mistakes and Intricate Corruption of One Girl in America by Michelle Tea - Sour Heart by Jenny Zhang - Minor Characters by Joyce Johnson - I Love Dick by Chris Kraus - Emily is Away by Kyle Seeley

Finally, many interesting things have already been said about Cibele. Suriel Vasquez and Kate Grey both made arguments that Cibele is one of the few games to get sex right. Brendan Keogh notes how Cibele makes players aware that "both the players and creators of videogames never stop being fleshy, meaty bodies in actual space." Lena LeRay compared the depictions of online intimacy in Cibele and Emily is Away. G. Christopher Williams read the game's ending through the similarly cynical lens that we did.

next is Cities in Motion

Podcast transcript

Sian: There needs to be a theme song. [Singing] Welcome to List Oriented. *Finger Clicks*.

Xanthea: I think that’s great.

Sian: Nailed it. Hashtag, nailed it.

Xanthea: We’ll doodle a ukulele over it.

Connor: Can you put some beats in?

Xanthea: Yeah I’ll put some beats.

Connor: Maybe I should just make it so that just pops up automatically when the blog starts.

Sian: Noooo…haha. Like Myspace circa 2006…

[Podcast theme plays]

Connor: So I’d like to begin by acknowledging the traditional owners and custodians of the land on which we meet today, the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders past, present, and emerging.

Hey!

Xanthea: Hi

Connor: Hi

Sian: Hello.

C: Welcome to the first and possibly only edition of the List Oriented podcast, which is…a decision I have made to do a podcast instead of a blogpost for this game, Cibele. Cibele was made by Star Maid Games, which is the vehicle of Nina Freeman. It came out in 2015. To discuss it with me today I have some friends and experts.

X: [Laughs] That’s us!

S: Don’t fact check that.

C: Uh…Sian Campbell, editor of Scum Magazine, researcher extraordinaire…

S: Animal Crossing expert…and Connor’s housemate! Yay.

X: Correct.

C: Aaaand in the other corner… Xanthea O’Connor. Writer, performer…

X: Sims video expert…

C: …Connoisseur.

X: Mhm, mhm.

S: You’ve kind of made it sound like we’re gonna fight.

C: Yeah I mean…that’s probably not going to happen but…

S: Well we don’t know.

X: We’ve got the whiskey out…drinking coffee and whiskey at the same time.

C: Whiskey is a fighting drink. I have a friend who won’t drink whiskey because he says it makes him too angry.

X: That’s why I don’t drink tequila.

C: Oh! Cos it makes you too angry?

X: Mhm, yeah.

S: I don’t drink tequila because I end up with girls in bathrooms.

[All laugh]

C: So Cibele… or “Sybil” depending on who you are, uhm, is a game, which, kind of, is a bit different from other games, it is…uh. It has you play as Nina, the main character, uhm, who you see introduced at the start of the game in a like, full motion video when she sits down at the computer. And then the next thing we have access to Nina’s desktop so we are - kind of - Nina but we’re kind of also not-Nina. Uhm, and we can rifle through her pictures and her archived blog posts, uhm, and then eventually we get to open up this game called Valtameri which is sort of a Final Fantasy parody type thing, and we play Valtameri with this guy called Ichi, or Blake, uhm…

X: Spoiler he’s a creep.

C: Well. Arguably he’s a creep. Uhm. And we just talk to him. Aaaand… our other friends are messaging us while we’re playing but we’re not that interested, uhm. And we kind of have this cycle a few times where we play the game, and then we maybe send photos to Ichi or…maybe…I dunno what else happens but anyway there’s like three phases of the game and it takes place over a few months and then… that’s kind of… it. That’s the end of the game. I dunno. Anything to add?

X: Should we give a spoiler that at the end he lives in another state and he comes to see her, at the end…

C: Or us…

X: Or us… and then… they Have Sexxx. And then, the last bit of the game is him saying that it was a mistake, over the internet, and you see the last image of her at the computer looking very isolated and then it’s just the end of the game. Is that alright to say? The spoiler?

C: Yeah we’re not going to be able to talk about the game without saying that, so.

X: Yeah we need to say there’s unresolved tension at the end. Uhm…yes. That there’s no way to resolve.

C: Uhmmm yeah so it’s unusual, I mean, like I suppose some people at the time made a point about it’s not being a game you “play” so much as experience because you can’t really have any influence on it, it’s more just about exploring…the life that is presented to you.

X: And whatever influence that you do have, doesn’t really affect the main narrative. So you can do small little actions, like you can choose text that you say to people, but it doesn’t actually change anything that happens.

C: Yeah. You can’t make meaningful choices.

S: I did like that you can engage with, or not engage with, the background media as much as you wanted to. Because it’s got the interface of her desktop where you can look in her desktop folders, look at her selfies, pull up chatlogs all that kind of stuff. And you don’t have to in order to experience the game. And I liked that element of it because it was, I guess, immersive and, yeah. Again, it didn’t really influence the gameplay in any way. And you could safely assume that people would look at everything, because that’s kind of how most people play games. But, yeah, I thought that achieved the goal, which was to make it feel like you were her, on her computer.

X: Whereas for me I felt like, maybe as someone who doesn’t game quite as much – calling myself out here - but, the idea of going through those things maybe wasn’t as exciting for me so maybe I did speed through the game a bit more occupying Myself rather than the character of Nina. Maybe because I found looking through photos that were similar to photos I would have taken in 2008 deeply frustrating uhm, yeah. But it’s just different experiences I guess.

S: I found interesting in terms of, like, obviously this is a creative work that she’s made, so I came at it from the point of view of wondering about the inclusion of certain things. Like, why that photo as opposed to – I’m sure she has hundreds of photos of that time – like what does this photo or poem say about that time in her life that another photo taken in the same photo session didn’t? Or something like that, I mean, obviously everything that was included in the desktop interface was a deliberated choice and so I found that aspect interesting.

C: Hmm yeah, like someone else had made the point which wasn’t something that I’d picked up on but, that some of the photos were intentionally bad photos that were included, which I guess when we’re talking about the choice of presentation uhm. And her poetry and chatlogs and it’s this idea of airing your dirty laundry…

X: Well it’s still curated.

C: Yeah, very much so.

X: But, it’s very clear that there’s the intention there that it is a little bit more vulnerable than what you might just put online it’s like, yeah it’s more the sort of stuff you might just keep in a file somewhere on desktop, I guess there’s that vulnerability that you don’t normally get on a blog or Instagram or something like that.

S: And I guess that by being vulnerable she signposts to us as player or consumer in some ways that we should trust this as a confessional work.

X: Mhm. It does feel very much like rifling through someone’s diary, or…yeah that feeling of you’re totally not meant to look at someone’s phone, but there’s occasionally that impulse to do so, and it definitely feels like you’re doing something that’s…it’s kind of not okay, but within the game context…

S: Yeah. And so I find that interesting coz it’s kind of her giving us the phone and wiping everything on the phone other than the things that are on it, but the things that are on it are kind of not necessarily things that make her look the best, so I, yeah. It’s interesting from a curatorial point of view.

X: Mhm. Yeah it’s definitely curated from someone looking back at that self and being really honest. Which I find really interesting. And I haven’t really… again, not a huge gamer but I haven’t seen that in a game before, that really confessional, like, autobiographical…

C: Yeah. I mean it definitely comes from a place of there being not much autobiography in games and certainly not with this, uhm, mix of mediums that it’s sort of used where you’ve got this, like, video of the character which is played by the person who made the game who’s named the character after themselves and so it’s like…they’re acting as themselves, and then using bits from their life, and there’s a game element to it, and a movie element to it…and all these things are sort of slipping over. Whereas I think other autobiographical games have been more text based or uhm… traditional, in air quotes…

[Music plays: excerpt from “turn on” by Decky Coss]

X: So do you want to talk about…do we want to talk about what we did like and didn’t like…now?

C: Yeah. I find it — I guess I find it a really interesting game. And it’s almost like, for me, because it’s so unusual in so many ways it almost like …avoids the question, for me, as to whether or not it’s something “I like”. I guess what I liked about it is it’s something I haven’t really experienced elsewhere, uhm, it’s a very novel game to me. Like I do think it has identifiable shortcomings which I guess we’ll come to later, but, uhm…

X: So you like the experimentation of it?

C: Yeah. I do like the experimentation of it. I like the way it, uhm, mixes these things together and the way it plays with autobiography, which is another thing I’m sure we’ll talk more about it. I like it’s sound and visual kind of…the desktop artwork, it’s design. I have a basic appreciation of that I suppose.

X: She’s got a really strong aesthetic. I think that can be fully agreed upon. Sian, what about you?

S: I’ve never played online collaborative gaming like the kind of gaming this game is about and referencing, and that the game-inside-the-game is meant to, I guess, be a play on or be an example of. I… I found the game kind of rudimentary and not that enjoyable to play. As in the game “Valtameri”, uhm.

X: Also, I don’t think you even had to actually play it because Ichi was playing it…

S: Mhm, I couldn’t tell, I thought you did.

C: Yeah, I feel like if you did nothing it wouldn’t go forward at all…

S: Yeah I agree. But. I feel like it did what intended to do which was immerse you in the idea of being a person playing a game while listening to the audio of a story which is of people talking while playing a game, so it was effective in its aim in that sense, but it just wasn’t an enjoyable experience to actually play it. I found it boring and clunky.

X: I think I was beginning to dread having to go in there and do it, too.

S: Me too.

X: It’s almost like a meditative means to an end within the game. But the actual game itself is like…ugh. Just like, clicking. Like Diablo but…with worse monsters.

C: Yeah.

X: Does that make me sound really stupid?

C: No. I mean that’s what it is.

X: I think if…I think if there had been a little bit more, like, difference, so if it was a different kind of game, or if it was simple it was so simple it mirrored a game like Diablo or games like that…if it didn’t mirror a game like that it might be more interesting but I found myself clicking and just “oh I don’t want to play… I want to play an actual good game” and uhmm yeah

S: Yeah. I found it tedious and I found… I don’t know if it was just my Mac I was playing it on but I found it soooo clunky and awkward and like, to actually navigate inside the game was just a nightmare and so I was the same, I was dreading it every time I had to do that part.

C: Yeah I wonder like, uhm… if they had built Valtameri to be more interesting it would have detracted from the point of it which was I guess, uhm, the paying attention to the conversation or…

X: Well you’re forced to coz it’s so monotonous.

C: Yeah.

S: I was thinking the same thing. And I’m wondering if there was…I mean, there would be, there would be a way of having it simplistic in terms of goals and fighting and all that while also… not being as boring and annoying. But, yeah. I was also thinking the same thing in that because it was so straightforward it did give you that space to absorb the story better.

C: Yeah.

X: Mhm.

S: In terms of, like, bigger picture, I just didn’t really like the framing at the end. Which was, kind of the game ends and it leaves you with this message that… this is an experience of what first love is which I felt was, uhm, again a bit clunky and didn’t feel honest to me. Which I thought was interesting because the game itself is quite a vulnerable, confessional, honest game.

X: Yeah, it was very good at interrogating Nina, and very good at doing a lot of showing not telling but still interrogating the character of Ichi, but then… interrogating the relationship itself felt, like…yeah, when it said it was about first love… not… I dunno. Was it?

S: Yeeeah, you’re talking about a relationship that never was with someone you were never really with. Uhm, it was very unclear, I guess. And it was interesting – and I think most people have had relationships like this, online – where you’re communicating with someone primarily online and forming this relationship and this bond but also but kind of on one level… I guess, unsure as to where that relationship fits outside the box that is your computer.

X: Yeah, and I found that, actually, the whole premise of the game for me – as, like, someone who has left their early twenties, thankfully – of knowing that environment and knowing those people and that sort of relationship that gets built online, and as soon as we’re introduced to Ichi the character I wanted to just shut it down.

S: Mhm.

X: It was like “eurgh I know what’s going to happen, I… don’t want to be there for that”. And so there was that… again, I don’t know if it’s something I necessarily liked or disliked, I just found it a very confronting part of the game, that, I wasn’t sure… whether it was for me necessarily, or what the point of it would be for me to play.

C: Yeah, right. I feel like, that was really interesting for me actually, playing it this time, because I have played it once before back after it came out…I played it not long after… and I think my experience this time, it seemed a lot more like… obvious how, Ichi, the things he said seemed quite… bad. And I didn’t remember it being quite so bad. Like I felt like his actions were always questionable. But just the whole…like all of his dialogue…is

X: It’s very well done.

C: Oh it’s very well done. It seems very real.

X: But that’s the thing. If you’ve never been groomed online before. I dunno. Can I say he was grooming? I feel like it was kind of…

S: It wasn’t *not* grooming, it was…[sighs] it’s hard to tell, I mean, I guess. And that’s part of what’s interesting is that it’s her memories of how it happened and what their conversations were like, then portrayed by somebody else. So of course, we can only go on what we actually see but it’s referencing something that happened and probably what we’re listening to is quite different from what actually was being said, so that line is quite murky and unclear. I found it hard to tell exactly to what extent he knew what he was doing or even if he was doing anything other than just enjoying playing a game with someone who was showing him that kind of positive attention, like, a girl who was showing him that kind of attention. It was kind of unclear to me where he wanted it to go or even if he wanted it to go anywhere. She was kind of the one pushing them meeting up and things like that. I felt like he was toying with her, very much so. I don’t know whether I would say he was….hmm, I would say he was grooming her but I don’t know whether it was…

X: …a premeditated sort of predatory…

S: Yeah. Yeah.

X: Yeah, I think it’s quite interesting, thinking about that and where you are upon reflection making this dialogue, I guess as the maker of the game, as Nina did, it reminds me of…after we’d played the game, uhm, and I opened up my laptop and I got all my 2007 emails spat at me and, heaps of emails from old friends, and lots of guy friends talking about girl stuff, like putting in, like copy-pasting msn messenger chat things they’d had with girls like “I don’t know what this means, can you help?” And I was reading through, and it was very similar like baiting sort-of situations where someone’s like “well I’m not very good” and you’re like “no, you’re great!”. And like… very similar dialogue, where I’m sure these friends of mine were not predatory they were just, like, trying to get some affection, just being like – they must have been sixteen, seventeen at the time, like – really trying to figure out how to broach a like a sexual or romantically intimate relationship with somebody, and there’s just a lot of like, neediness in those conversations, that I forgot was a thing, until I got all those emails being like… oh we were so… like, if we now, in our late twenties to thirties messaged something like that, we’d be like… “you’re a freak”, like. You wouldn’t be able to say what we were saying back then. So yeah, I think it’s kind of interesting…what you’re saying, is that we assume that it’s predatory because as older people now, because that’s what it signifies but… when you’re younger…sometimes it can just be, like…

S: Yeah, on one level I felt like he was…just confused and out of his depth. Like this girl, that he’s obviously attracted to, and very much enjoying having the attention of, is then suddenly starting to push the line of, “well are we gonna meet up”, and he’s kind of thinking “Oh. She wants to meet up with me. I hadn’t actually thought…”. Like, it seemed like he’s just enjoying the online experience, and she’s the one who wanted to solidify things and meet up. From my memory I mean, I played it a couple of months ago. And then he’s kind of, it seemed maybe, internally wrestling with the idea of “do I want that? If I want that, it’ll obviously be beneficial for me in those certain ways”, but it’s obviously… most people, or at least most girls who have been through that wringer at least would be able to tell going into it that he didn’t actually…that there was not going to be a relationship, that he uhm… when he came to New York that wasn’t going to be a love story coming to fruition.

X: Yeah, totally.

S: But obviously she was engaging in these like fishing tactics too that we all did when you’re young and you try and feel out what’s actually happening: “Does this person like me? Do they not like me? Oh I’m ugly, I’m sure, oh…” you know, all that kind of bashful…

X: And, that as well, because you can see how vulnerable she is on her desktop, like you can see all those photos, and you can see the development of her sexualisation as well within the game because…it’s in three parts right? Where it goes, like, the first time, and then it’s a few months later, a few months later. And you can see every time the desktop refreshes she is like more sexualised, you can see her search history of things she’s looking through, you can see where it’s heading in her own mind. And there is those fishing tactics from both sides. It’d be really interesting to see, like, Ichi’s desktop as well. Like, I would love the other side of, what he’s looking at.

S: Yeah.

X: Because, for me, I can look at Nina’s desktop as long as I want – like, I get it. But I would love to know what he’s doing. And like, his intentions. Obviously, Nina doing that would be disingenuous. But it would be really interesting to have a game, of like, a 17-year-old boy’s desktop, and understanding where that headspace is.

S: I thought there were some interesting context clues, in the game, that were interesting on a few different levels, hinting at the idea that this was something he did with girls, that he kind of…played with them, that he was only interested in playing games with girls, obviously enjoying this attention. That was something that was I think said by at least one person she talked to, and possibly multiple people that she talked to was, oh. I kind of got the sense that she was new girl that he was “playing with”, in multiple senses.

X: And those things like, burned out, sort of.

S: Yeah. I kind of thought that context was interesting. Because, if you’ve been through this relationship, you have the ability to see what’s happening, which is why you and I both have a stronger feeling that this guy is in some ways… not necessarily predatory, but, in some ways manipulative and, just bad news. Just not… uncomfortable.

X: We’re playing through a pattern of behaviour that isn’t going to be healthy for either them…

S: Yeah, uhm, and so we can recognise that, it feels like we’re meant to recognise that, it feels like those clues are…they’re not even clues, it’s part of the dialogue, we can hear it, we can interpret it. And those context clues of other people referencing the fact that this has happened with other girls… well it seemed like what those other people were referencing.

C: Mhm.

S: Those were deliberate things put in the game by Nina, which is interesting when you think about the way that she then frames the game at the end as “this is just a story about first love.”

X: Mhm. It’s…yeah, it’s confusing, definitely, because it’s kind of undermining like what you think she’s setting out to achieve, and almost like… is that just meant to be…a joke? How intentional is that? Did she not know how to wrap it up? Wrap up the story to resolve it all…

S: Yeah that’s what I was unclear of. It did almost feel like she felt it needed one final, like, “and this is what the game is” flagging. Whereas I thought it would be more powerful and interesting if she just left it the way it was but without that kind of final message.

X: Mhm.

S: And so in some ways I felt frustrated by that messaging because I’d interpreted it so differently, and I was then being told that my experiences were incorrect, I guess? That maybe I’d interpreted it wrong. It also made me sad for her that she was interpreting it in that first love sense. And it made me feel guilty for feeling sad for her [laughs] like it was…it was an interesting choice for her to kind of….in such a cerebral, experimental game, where you have the power to experience it the way you want, for then for her to tell you how it should be read was… an interesting choice.

X: Mhm, yeah, totally. Coz it almost makes you second guess, like oh was she not upset? Did he not just do something that was, like, not loving?

C: Yeah, I though that was… uhm, like, a weird bit of the author coming to then tell you what the game is about. But at the same time it reminded me of – I recently read a memoir by Michelle Tea, Passionate Mistakes – and in it she talks about… there’s a scene where she says one of her early boyfriends, she says, that telling him “I love you” was like, a code for “we can have sex now”. And I thought that like, in the context of this game being kind of, like… I think Nina does the same thing in Act 2, she says “I love you”, like, “I think I love you”, and then it’s… it’s part of the development of the relationship and it’s like heading towards having sex for the first time. Uhm, and that kind of being framed as…maybe that’s more of an American thing? Like, a code, I dunno.

X: Nooo, it’s not.

[Laughter]

X: It’s not an American code. Unless I am American.

C: Or is it a teenage code?

X: It’s definitely, I dunno for me it’s definitely a teenage code.

C: Sure.

X: I think it was, another book that I was reading recently, and talked about constantly while I was reading it…was it Minor Characters by Joyce Johnson? Yeah. That’s the one.

C: I guess we can edit in the correct title later.

[Laughter]

X: And she…it’s like a beat memoir of a women during the beat era, and she dated Jack Kerouac, and it’s saying that…during that era, and I mean still it holds true, but like, women, or young girls are taught to safe guard their virginity, and boys are taught to safeguard themselves, and that idea of love being… like, giving, giving way to something that you can lose yourself to. And I think that it 100% feels like that, like when women say - when girls say - “I love you”, it’s like, very much about that idea of safeguarding their bodies.

C: Right.

X: And, yeah, I don’t know where else to go from there. But it’s very…it’s not just American, I think it’s like, across the board. In like, early relationships.

C: Okay.

S: Mhm.

X: What do you think, Sian?

S: I dunno, it was… I don’t necessarily have any opinion about the sexual element to it. I guess I feel like I got the sense that she wanted to have sex, like that was something she wanted to do, she was ready for and thinking about, and thinking was kind of her way of accessing that, in some ways. Uhm. Mhm. I was sort of…was very unclear of his… thinking, I guess, and what he was thinking about, where he was coming from, who he was as a character. Just, I didn’t get a sense specifically of who he was. Like I feel like I’ve probably met gamer guys like him… it… She gave us some ideas but I also… I think what you were saying in wanting to see his desktop was interesting because we got such a clear idea of who she was but we didn’t get any of that from the actual audio, from the actual in-game experience of them chatting. They didn’t talk about their life, pretty much at all. So, everything we learnt of her we got from her desktop. So, we didn’t get that same chance to learn who this guy was. What he did outside this game. Where he lived, who he lived with, what he studied. We didn’t get any of that. And I think, hmm, I agree with you – I don’t think she could have added that, I think it would have been disingenuous and it would have been against the point of what the game actually was as experimental memoir basically.

X: Hmm. But I also think with so many gamer guys as, uh, as a woman who has dated a lot of gamer guys, I think that…especially during that time when you’re just going into university, you are like plumbing for depth, like emotional depth in people that you’re dating, and often it’s just not developed yet, like, I dunno. From experience I think that, this guy I honestly just think – like I know I said his behaviour felt like it was grooming, but – he just, maybe, as well, had no idea what he was doing.

S: I kind of – yeah, I got that sense as well. I mean, I think he knew what he was doing in terms of fostering her attention, but in the larger picture I don’t think he was a particularly deep or interesting person.

[Laughter]

X: I remember… I dated this guy – anecdote! We can cut this out – uhm, but I dated this guy when I was like 17, and it was my first year of uni, I met him in my maths class – shoutout, you know who you are! Uhm… and he… I remember like in the first week of us dating he said that he missed his bus stop because he was thinking, and I was like “oh my god, he’s so deep, he like missed his bus because he was Thinking” and I, like, “I wonder what he was thinking about, probably me, how amazing I am”.

[Laughter]

X: And then maybe a month later or like two months later, he was like “oh yeah I missed my bus stop again”, and I was like “oh what were you thinking about?”. And he was like “oh you know, just what everyone said during the day”. [Laughs]. Like he was just, no further reflection. Just what everyone said in sequential order, and it was just that moment of like, oh… you weren’t, it wasn’t… there was no depth to the thought, you were just daydreaming about the sequence of events during the day, uhm. And that moment of, like, disillusionment was quite… upsetting.

S: Mhm.

X: But yeah I feel like that’s what we could have done during this game, is that we’ve turned him into this guy that’s like…. well, for me, definitely I’ve like, in my head while I was playing it, I was like “what a piece of trash”, like. But he probably just logs off and twiddles his thumbs, and, I don’t know… plays Fortnite.

S: Yeah it’s kind of like that, I don’t know. I was gonna say meme. I feel like there’s tik-toks about it where girls are like “urr I wonder what he’s thinking or why he’s not messaging me back” and he’s literally just playing games or asleep or just…outside! And there’s no greater mystery to it, it’s just that he’s not currently texting you, coz he’s a boy, and they’re boring!

[Laughter]

X: Mhm, yeah.

S: But yeah I totally agree that uhm…of having had so many times that experience of having had so many times that experience of just assuming people must be thinking these larger internalised thoughts like there’s this whole world of them we’re not accessing and that felt…I felt like that as well while playing this game. Or I felt her feeling that, while playing this game.

X: Totally, coz there’s so much of her planning in there. So much of her planning flights and looking at prices of flights and things like that. And it’s like, she’s putting so much energy into, and like I’m sure he had not even googled a flight until…

S: I don’t even think he was thinking about them meeting up really until she kind of…started, felt like she was…not pushing it but…

X: She was giving ultimatums kind of…

S: Yeah.

C: Which I mean, fair enough.

X: Yeah.

[Music interlude: excerpt from “what would happen if we met” by Decky Coss]

C: So…uhm, we sort of touched on it before but like, “who is this game for?” is a question that Xanthea you suggested we should talk about.

X: Yep.

C: Possibly because you didn’t think – not to put words in your mouth –

X: Put ‘em in.

C: - but you weren’t sure, like, you weren’t sure if this game had a target, or that if there was a particular set of people that should be playing this, or like. I dunno, what were your thoughts?

X: Yeah I dunno, I just felt like, especially by the end of it when it was…or even as I started it, and hearing the dialogue, I knew what was going to happen. And I felt that…like sitting and playing – I wouldn’t have finished playing if I wasn’t playing with you, Connor, because…I was like “I know what’s going to happen…”

C: Yeah.

X: “and it’s going to be annoying”…like “it’s going to irritate me”. So…yeah. I think that it’s… you don’t go into playing this game for like, excellent gameplay, or like…I, I dunno. I think it’s an experiment, and it’s a worthy and valid experiment of a game, uhm. But as a standalone, I’m not sure… if I’m like “cool I feel entirely satisfied, as a, as a consumer of this game”. Like I want there…coz it is that experiment, now I want something else to come out that’s inspired by it…

S: Mhm.

X: Does that make sense?

S: I sort of felt like… uh, I guess as wanky as it might sound, I sort of felt that it’s just a piece of art, and it didn’t need or even have a specific target audience, it was just created for art’s sake. And I guess if I had to say who it was for, I guess, people who enjoy immersive, experimental gameplay but… yeah I’m kind of the same mind in that I’m excited by it as a starting off point, in terms of gaming.

X: Unless we sell it to the government and they lock teenage boys in rooms and make them play it.

C: Do you think there’s like an educational element where teenage boys should play it and understand, that like…?

X: I dunno that girls are real people? Maybe.

[Laughter]

X: That’s another – okay, another boyfriend that i had, once, two months into dating the next boyfriend - everyone goes to take a drink - he said, uhh, “I didn’t realise that girls had feelings until I started dating you”, which was, like, the most –

S: Did you break up with him immediately?

X: No, we dated for a year and a half.

S: But he didn’t know women were…he didn’t know girls were people.

X: I know!

S: That’s scary!

X: And he dated a lot of women before me. Uhm…and yeah! But maybe I’m coming at it from a radicalised point of view, given my dating history.

[Laughter]

X: But yeah, I think that this game for like, Sian and I – and Connor as well I guess – is like, preaching to the converted that these relationships, these early relationships being fraught and problematic and, like… very difficult to navigate. Yeah, so, as you said, it does feel more as a piece of artwork acknowledging all those issues. But at the same time, I think it does have a message that feels…interesting. I just don’t think a young boy would pick it up and be like “I can’t wait to play this game!”

S: Mhm. I think I would love to have a conversation with a bunch of girls at different points in their life, like a fifteen-year-old girl and a seventeen-year-old girl and a nineteen-year-old girl. Like find out what someone thinks when they’re in the middle of these kind of relationships, playing this game, like…do they recognise it? Do they have thoughts about as being manipulative, or uhm, that kind of fishing idea that they’re both doing, engaging in that kind of fishing behaviour… I’d be really interested to know what I would have said about the game, when I was eighteen.

X: Yeah. I think if I was playing it at eighteen I would have a lot more internalised misogyny, of just being like “oh she was just super needy and”…

S: Mhm. And I think… it’s so hard to say, like, would…would I have felt more impacted by it? Would I have felt more called out by it? Would I have felt more seen, or…would I have wanted to… I think I probably would have read it the same way that Nina is now telling us to read it, which is as a love story, because…that’s kind of…I would have been closer to Nina’s, I guess, idea of who she was when she was…when we are Nina in this game. I think that’s what I would have…would have been my experience as an eighteen-year-old.

X: Hmm…

S: So it’s kind of interesting, I think I would have… shipped them. As it were.

X: Totally.

C: Yeah right?

X: And would have focussed a lot more on him being like, he’s so like…he’s so cute, or like… kind of getting really into that idea that’s like oh yeah… and like, actively shipping, as you say.

S: Mhm, picking up on things he said that indicated he was interested, as opposed to now, when your bullshit meter is just going Off The Charts.

X: Totally! Every, every bit…like literally the first game you play it’s like “ew, go away.”

[Laughter]

X: “Where is the option to never play with this guy ever again? Oh wait, it doesn’t exist. It’s the whole game. How horrible for you Nina”.

C: Yeah I remember you saying that you felt almost like a bit trapped by it, by the fact that you can’t get out of it, like you have to experience this…not, not that it’s necessarily trauma, but like-

X: Yeah it’s traumatic! And you…I mean, every line that he was saying was like ugh, it felt so close to…things…I’ve heard online because I was quite a vulnerable teenager, who was constantly fishing for things online – call myself out, hundred percent. And yeah, it’s very challenging to go back and look at somebody doing that and not being able to, within gameplay, do anything about that.

S: Mhm.

X: Like sit her down and be like. “Nina. We need to have a talk about this. You’re fine. Chill out. Go for a walk. This guy’s…not good.” Like, yeah, I dunno I think, uhm…coz you yeah I dunno I think I very much… immediately saw that and it frustrated me.

C: Yeah. That’s fair.

X: But, I mean, if it’s a work of art that’s okay! It’s allowed to frustrate.

S: I think that feeling of being trapped is interesting coz I had that same sense of being locked in, uhm, but at the same time I think that feeling is an effective one in making you feel immersed in this person’s life. Like it really…because I guess, you are locked in and because of the desktop element and because of the kind of immersing gameplay it really felt like you were experiencing this person’s life in a way that…I’m not sure whether it would have been as effective if you could kind of pause and click out and stop.

[music interlude: “cibele” by Decky Coss]

C: Uhm, I guess one final thing we can talk about is, this idea of it being autobiographical or not? Or where it kind of sits on that spectrum – I suppose because this isn’t something that’s been done so much in games uhm… we were kind of looking at the idea of it being “autofictional” because it’s taking the idea of, the intentional blending of something that happened in the life of the creator so it’s sort of like memoir, but it’s also an intentional, uhm, saying that it is not totally autobiographical because it’s not using certain elements, or it’s recreating certain elements. Uhm, so I dunno – Sian, because you are the autofiction expert in the room, what was your kind of idea about how it was positioning itself?

S: Uhm, I would say…on one level I would be inclined to say it didn’t read as autofiction to me because it just felt like it was a retelling of something that happened, it didn’t feel like we were meant to suspend our disbelief or that we were meant to uhm, assume that anything that happened didn’t happen exactly as it happened – I got the sense that it was almost in some ways quite literal. I dunno. I think I would have to think a lot harder about this. I think autofiction’s interesting because a lot of the time it relies on what you already know about the creator…

C: Yeah right.

S: …which is an interesting kind of thing to have to consider as a reader, and also as a writer of autofiction is…when you’re flagging something as inherently false, how is your reader or player or consumer meant to pick up that it is inherently false, if they don’t happen to know you? If they don’t know what actually happened, how do they know that this is you playing with the truth? Will they assume this is true? I’m not sure she put anything in there that we were meant to assume didn’t happen. I’m not sure she was playing with the truth – I think she was trying to get at the truth. But without knowing more about her I suppose it’s really hard to make that call.

X: Was it ever acknowledged to be based on true events at the beginning?

S: I think it was.

C: Yeah I think so and maybe not in the game specifically except for that author’s note at the end where it’s kind of like, suddenly not Nina the character speaking to you, it’s Nina who made the game – I think that’s the only time in the game where it acknowledges that the game was based on true events. But uhm, like, outside the game there have been interviews and articles that have been “this is a game about my first experience of like, hooking up with someone from the internet.”

X: Yeah coz it kind of feels like – who’s that author who wrote Sour Heart?

S: Oh, Jenny Zhang?

X: Yeah, Jenny Zhang, when she came to Australia and did an interview at Wheeler Centre she was talking about how frustrated she is that all of her fiction – even though it’s definitely fiction – is always assumed to be autobiographical…

S: Mhm.

X: Just coz she’s writing about, like, a demographic of her own experience it’s just assumed… and I think it’s like, kind of similar here. It’s like, does it matter if it’s autobiographical? Does it matter how much is true and how much it’s not? This is kind of more a universal truth of internet, uhm, intimacy. And like, I think that is enough to be a valid – frustrating, uhm, but valid, still…

S: If I was gonna think of where I would position it from a literature perspective – because that’s what I know, and that’s what I do — is, it is quite reminiscent of I Love Dick in some ways. It’s very confessional, it’s telling the story of someone’s relationship with someone else who doesn’t get a chance to…weigh in, I guess, and it is a retelling. It’s using real artefacts, I guess, with reimagined, and in some cases hyper-realistic…mmm

X: Re-enactments.

S: Yeah. So I think, that’s where I would position it. In terms of when thinking about literature which is what I do.

C: Yeah. Yeah, I guess, Xanthea you’re more of a memoir fan? Uhm..

X: Yeah. I love a good memoir.

C: You prefer it to…you prefer things that are passing things off as fully truthful? Or some version of…the truth?

X: Yeah “fully truthful”…whatever that is. Uhm. I like things that aim to be truthful. And I like things that interrogate themselves enough to feel like…anything that’s passed off as “this is entirely what happened, the truth”, I don’t believe… but uhm. Yeah. I think at this point it doesn’t matter who made it – for me, this has a larger truth to it, in some ways.

C: The universal experience…

X: I think it is getting at a universal experience of like, internet intimacy.

C: So you don’t… so it doesn’t matter if like, that experience, is making a claim to like, “this was my experience”? Like this is… or…

X: Honestly, I don’t think it matters. Like, uhm. I think it’s kind of beyond the point. And I think it’s why I’m more interested in stuff that’s made because of this work. It’s just kind of opening up to more conversations.

C: Yeah, sure.

S: I think I really…probably the reason I like autofiction as a literary genre, is because it interrogates that idea that you were saying of…does it matter or not matter if it’s true or not? I like work that plays with that idea, and I think this work is probably important because it does feel true, it feels like her version of events. And I think, I would definitely love to see more games that interrogate that idea of truth versus untruth. And I think…I haven’t played a lot of games like this, but I’m not super across all the games. I don’t know a lot of things. I play Animal Crossing, and the Sims, and Stardew Valley. And I don’t have, y’know, a large library, but when I do find experimental games like this I do seek them out, and I would be very interested to see what builds off this. I think in terms of that idea of does it matter if this is really her experience, I’m thinking of games like Emily is Away -

C: Yeah for sure.

S: Where, it’s very similar in some ways of, like, that experience of being on the desktop, being in the chatlog, having these conversations… And it is a different experience in terms of how, what you get out of playing that game versus playing Cibele.

X: Yeah and I think as well, uhm, making games around experiences that are, I guess popularly more marginalised, having that ability to play with truth and how much we know about things is kind of important. I’m just thinking back to a few months ago when I was really obsessed with Ned Kelly and there was lots of “based on truth” sort of, fictionalised accounts of Ned Kelly, but also, there are fictionalised accounts of like, the women in his life as well, so there’s novels around that. And how, I found, all of those novels coming together, all of those fictionalised entities coming together, it didn’t even matter at the end whether it was true or not, I just got a really interesting viewpoint of someone who has created so much drama and intensity and how that had affected other people. And I find that really, like, just as valid in terms of storytelling as someone claiming this to be the whole truth of like, a biography of Ned Kelly, which, I’ve never really gained much from. But, like, a fictionalised account of sister, I found really really interesting coz it was like, looking at, how…now I’m just talking about Ned Kelly. I’m gonna stop. I’m sorry. Uhm.

[Laughter]

S: What I liked about this game was that it felt aggressively female. And I mean, it is, it’s aggressively female, it’s aggressively confessional, and I think the gaming world needs more of that and I think it does, in some ways, carve out a little patch of internet or game, as it was, and opens a door. It starts a dialogue about what games can be – or continues a dialogue I suppose, I wouldn’t necessarily say it starts a dialogue but… I think the more people who understand that games can be for them, and games can be kind of art and games can be whatever they want and games can tell a story and games can be for women who have been made to feel that games weren’t for them by men, the better. Not that that’s what was happening here, but I can see that this game would make someone who had been made to feel that way feel that “oh games can be female” and that’s great and fun and cool.

X: I think that’s a good place to start, I mean finish, not start, finish.

C: Alright, so…

S: Let’s do it all over again!

C: Yeah, I think so too.

X: Any more final words?

S: Mmm, this has made me wanna follow Nina Freeman more and see what her other games are like. I haven’t played her other games, I feel like… it might be worth…

C: Oh yeah!

X: The date one is sick. [Laughs] I love the date one.

C: The date one, yeah, we played that? We Met in May, the recent one.

S: Oh wait, I have actually…

X: It’s absurd, I love it. You make a boy do weird things with his arms.

C: Yeah! There’s like a game where you grab his nipples…

X: Yeeeah, my dream.

S: Ohhh, I think I’ve played one of her other games which is basically just a very, very simple one.

C: How Do You Do It?

S: Yeah yeah I’ve played How Do You Do It, that was fun.

X: That’s funny actually, because, when we were playing it, I was like, “let’s make a game, this is like…I’ll play this game! I’ll play this game forever. Like. Give me a nipple-grabbing game.” Uhm…yay!

C: Yay!

S: Woo.

X: Thanks Nina…sorry we were so critical of your game.

[Laughter]

C: Yeah, uhhh, thankyou Sian, for doing this, and also thankyou Xanthea, for doing this.

S: I’ll see you when you get up to ‘E’ for Emily is Away.

X: I’m a sound person!

[Podcast theme plays]

#game90 #cibele #podcast #nina freeman #star maid games #games of 2015 #autobiographical games #internet romance #pod oriented

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urwarriorangel · 6 years

Text

‘man of my word’ (bellamy blake au)

another xmas ficcc! will be posting winter-time/new year’s/christmas fics till the end of the week and i hope that’s okay! merry christmas to you all, have some happy holidays!

w: angst, language, cute kisses (!!!gifs aren’t mine!!!)

“i got you for secret santa so i got you this really expensive but sentimental gift that you’ve always wanted, hoping you’ll never find out it’s from me - and that i’ve been in love with you 1234567 years” (@nadiahilker)

This year, Secret Santa worked in your favor. You picked out Bellamy’s name and you swear everything felt right in the world. You’ve had a crush on Bellamy for years and you didn’t know how to give him this slightly expensive gift without setting off any alarms in his head. This is the first Christmas that he’s single, the first year that you two have become slight friends and you’re no longer his sister’s awkward, antisocial friend. You’re now his awkward, antisocial friend.

And so as you stand in front of the Octavia’s doorway, you take a deep breath and do your best to calm yourself before walking into the chaos that is your friend group.

“Hello,” you sing out, a small smile on your face as you open the door and walk in. “Anybody home?”

“Y/N!” Octavia screams out and runs over to you, dressed in her Christmas-themed onesie, as promised.

“O!” you laugh and wrap your arms around your best friend. “Merry Christmas!”

“And merry Christmas to you,” she kisses your cheek and leads you to the living room.

“Merry Christmas, everyone!” You take off your layers and are left standing in a snowman onesie.

“Aw, we’re matching!” You hear a deep voice yell from the otherside of the room, immediately warming your heart.

“C’mon, Bellamy this is my time to shine! We can’t both wear the same outfit.”

“You’re right about that. How about you take yours off?” He smirks at you and you shake your head, hoping it hides your obvious blush.

“Oh shut up,” you roll your eyes and give him a hug before moving to the rest of the crew, wishing everyone a merry Christmas.

“Well now that Y/N decided to join the party, let’s actually get the party started,” John nudges you and you shake your head at him.

“Come on, I wasn’t that late. I was just putting the final touches on my Secret Santa gift,” you wink at O and everyone around you whoops.

“Who’s your secret santa?” Jasper walks over to you rolling a blunt.

“I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours,” you wink at him and he shakes his head, laughing.

“So that’s a no? Why don’t we--”

“Hey, guys. Do you think we can speed up the Secret Santa thing? Turns out, Echo wants to see my Secret Santa thing tonight,” Bellamy winks, earning a groan from everyone in the room.

Your heart sinks as you fight to keep a smile on your face, Octavia’s eyes not leaving yours for a second. You panic a bit, desperate to find someone, anyone to switch with. The gift you got for Bellamy wasn’t one you’d get for a passing friend. It’s over the top and expensive and Bellamy can definitely read between the lines.

“O,” you whisper, pulling Octavia to the side as everyone else runs off to grab their gift. “I need to switch with someone, please. I can’t give him this gift. He has a date with Echo, I can’t do this-I need.”

“Babe, listen to me,” Octavia places her hands on your shoulders, immediately calming you. “I’ll find you someone to switch with. I promise.”

“Okay, okay, yeah,” you nod, taking deep breaths as Octavia goes to find someone. You pace for a few seconds and she comes back with Raven.

“Hey what’s going on here? Everyone is in the living room, waiting for you two,” she looks between you and Octavia and you sigh, explaining your dilemma to her.

“So you want us to exchange people?” You nod at her, holding your breath. “Alright, sure. But what if he likes this gift and falls in love with me?”

“Raven, now is not the time for jokes. Here,” you hand her your gift and take hers before she can say anything else. “Now let’s go.”

You quickly check the tag and see that the gift is for Wells. Oh no, this is gonna be an embarrassing gift exchange all around.

“We’re here! Let’s start this. Since I’m hosting, I’ll go first,” she smiles and hands her gift to Clarke. “Merry Christmas.”

She smiles, waiting for Clarke to open her gift. Clarke’s smile soon matches O’s as she unveils the gorgeous acrylic paint set O got for her.

“O, this is gorgeous, thank you!” The girls exchange hugs and you all go down the line, exchanging gifts.

Clarke got Jasper a set of Jigsaw puzzles and a new bowl. He got Harper an archery course and a cooking class. She got Miller a few plants and tickets to his favorite band. He got Lincoln a bottle of whiskey and about 15 pairs of socks. Lincoln got Murphy some kitchen items to go along with his current baking obsession. He, in turn, got Monty tickets to see Bill Nye and Neil DeGrasse Tyson along with a few nerdy sweaters. Monty got Octavia a couple’s spa day and a record player.

“It’s circled back to me and there are still a few people who haven’t given gifts yet. So let’s start with… Bellamy? Who do you have?” Octavia sits back, smiling at Bellamy.

“Here you go, Y/N,” he gives you a large smile, walking over to you with a small bag in hand. You open to find books from your favorite author, a funky coloring book, and a few chocolate bars.

“Aw, Bellamy this is so sweet,” you give him a soft smile and he nods, clearing his throat and sitting down.

Turns out, Raven got Wells a couple books about the oceans and space and then a cookbook to top things off. You gave him the gift, but he of had a feeling something fishy was going on. Wells got Raven an at-home punching bag and some boxing gloves, along with a ukulele. He figured she wouldn’t be half-bad with some practice.

“As I’m sure everyone has figured out by now, I’ve got Bellamy,” she smiles widely and hands him the small package which he can clearly see is a pair of books.

“Well, well, well, what do we have here?” He smiles widely and opens the package as Raven sits back down in her seat. “Holy shit.”

Bellamy looks up at Raven who gives him an uncomfortable smile.

“How the hell did you get these?” His voice is soft, his adam’s apple moving as he tries to calm down. “I just-I don’t-how did you know?”

“I just-” Raven looks down as Bellamy’s eyes soften, studying her and realizing something odd is going on.

The only person he’d told about his affection for the old Greek tales was you. You were the only one who’d known. And as he turns to face you, you’re the only one who’s been watching him this whole time. He grows angry, not knowing why you wouldn’t want to give him this yourself.

“I just know you better than anyone, Blake. Come on,” Raven scoffs, pulling Bellamy out of his daze.

“C’mon, did I really reveal so much during our one night in heaven?” He wiggles his eyebrows playfully, almost feeling your sharp intake of breath as he speaks.

“Bellamy, just shut up and take the gift,” Raven rolls her eyes and before Bellamy could say anything else, Octavia stands.

“Well that was certainly interesting. Let’s clean this mess up and then make some gingerbread houses, yeah?” Everyone groaned in response as you excused yourself.

Octavia sighs, biting her lip and quickly following you. Bellamy watches you leave, an immediate guilt creeping into him. He follows Octavia, promising her that he’d fix this. He finds you in the hallways, pacing back and forth underneath some conveniently placed mistletoe.

“If you really wanted me to kiss you, you could’ve just asked,” he whispers, making his presence known and scaring the crap out of you.

“Jesus fuck, Bellamy. You scared me,” you place a hand on your chest, calming yourself as Bellamy walks closer to you.

“It’s really convenient that Raven knew exactly what to get me,” you nod, looking down and Bellamy is trying his hardest not to laugh. “I’m a little surprised that she’d spent that much money on me, but what can I say? I guess we’re meant to be. I should really start looking for engagement rings, shouldn’t I?”

Your heart sinks and you look up to answer the question, hurt eyes met with Bellamy’s playful ones.

“What-why are you--?” You gasp and Bellamy bursts out laughing. “You knew it was me!”

You smack his chest and he nods, unable to stop laughing.

“You vile, incorrigible, absolutely awful human being! You knew I gave you the gift and you still made those comments!” You continue to smack him as he wraps his arms around you in a hug.

“That was all fun and games. Raven and Wells have got it bad for each other and my comments along with those thoughtful gifts will have them in bed together tonight,” he chuckles softly as you finally stop hitting him.

“You’re awful, you know that?” You glare at him, pulling away a bit as Bellamy still has his arms wrapped around you.

“Oh, I know. I know,” he smiles, kissing your forehead. “And needless to say, nothing has happened with Echo in months and nothing will happen with her again.”

“Hm, really now?” You smirk, playing with the hood of his onesie. “And why’s that?”

“Because after I kiss you, there’s no going back.”

“And why do you think you can kiss me?” You look up at him, a gentle smile on your face as you bite your bottom lip.

“Look up,” he whispers and you look up, mistletoe dangling in your face.

“So? What’s that got to--?” You look back down and you’re caught by surprise, cut-off mid-sentence by Bellamy’s lips.

His fingers dig into the small of your back and your hands make way around the back of his neck and into his curly black locks. Your mouths mold into one another, a smile forming onto his as he pulls away.

“It’s got everything to do with it,” he smirks and leans back in, this time more passionate than the last. His lips latch onto your bottom lip, tugging onto it as you tug onto his hair.

“Ahem,” you hear someone clear their throat, but you both ignore it. Bellamy’s lips move down on your neck and you bite your lip, a smile forming as the same person clears their throat again.

“We’re busy,” you chuckle as Bellamy nips your neck and the person (Octavia) groans.

“It’s gingerbread time!” She pulls you away from her brother and drags you to the living room.

“But we wanna kisssssssss,” Bellamy jogs after the two of you. “I’m a man of my word. Y/N will be out of her onesie later tonight.”

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rixxy8173571m3w1p3 · 6 years

Text

Smile For All The Unwanted

Another Reader x Doofus Rick fic. This fic was written for those who feel worthless. We all feel that way sometimes, and I thought this would be a nice encouragement.

In this fic, the reader learns that everything matters, even the unwanted.

_______________

Every so often, when he found out that there would be a yard sale, Zeta-7 would ask you to join him. What one would find was the usual batch of junk, the kind of things people should just throw away. It didn’t take you long to know whether or not you would buy anything, but he would browse as though they were treasures, picking up each item which caught his attention. On this occasion, you wanted to question him, wondering why he had bought a whole table of broken electronics, a wobbly coffee table, and a rusted music box, but the soft, melancholic, paternal look he bestowed on them had quieted you.

These items which no longer held any meaning to other people, had meaning to him. It was this that made you decide to look around again, to see if you had missed out on any of those so called treasures. There was a set of figurines you thought might be nice, but you stopped in front of the pile of plushies. How had you missed this? Battered, and dirty, the stuffed dog had certainly seen better days, but you chose him.

Zeta-7 did happen to question your reasoning for buying the stuffed dog, and you told him that you knew it was yours.

______________

The world was spinning. Round and round you went, until you have had enough. You didn’t have a computer chair at your house, so when you saw the one in his office, you sat down, and spun around until you thought you were going to throw up. No you weren’t high, or drunk, but just a silly human who kept themselves easily entertained.

Zeta-7 chuckled from the doorway, and you paused, as though you were in trouble. You did warn him that you tended to wander about, and if left unsupervised, might hurt yourself. He asked if you would join him in the garage, for he had something to show you. Various paintings lined the walls of the hallway, their themes ranging from winter scenes to fantasy worlds, like the kind you’d see in shows like Star Trek. You almost hit your head on the English ivy while entering the garage, and were careful not to step on the pothos vine.

In the past, he warned you about the dangers of his garage, and of the items and chemicals he kept in there, so you avoided it. Oh, but he had so much cool stuff in there. You two stopped in front of his work bench, and on it sat the ornate box. It must have been another one of his gadgets, or a repair job. Still, it must have been important if he wanted to show you.

You asked what it was. It seemed this was the question he was waiting for you to ask. You swore there were stars in his eyes, this joy, why it made him look years younger. As he explained all the mechanical components, going through the process used, and what it was, you were taking photos of him to look at later. Rick didn’t seem to mind, but he paused in the middle of his explanation.

You put away your phone, apologizing, but not sorry to have a few more cute pics of him. With your permission, he took your hand and placed it upon the box. It was vibrating, as though it were alive. Together, you opened the box, a prerecorded greeting could be heard from the hidden speakers. Then, a small figure sprung out of the metal flower inside.

The figure looked like Zeta-7, from its chest cavity popped out a tiny stringed instrument. It’s glass eyes winked, and the song played, with a chip tune accompaniment. You gasped, this song, it was the one he played the day you met Zeta-7.

_______________

For years, you two had lived in the same town, in the same neighborhood, only houses away from each other. It was funny how you two seemed to miss each other, though Rick would later tell you it was because of his job. You had been carrying groceries, thinking of what you might have for dinner when you tripped. You cursed to yourself, and almost cried when you realized your doritos broke. Zeta-7 had been working in the garage at the time, and saw when you fell across the street.

Together, you two mourned over the loss of your precious doritos. After you brought your groceries to your place, he invited you for some tea. You were wary, you didn’t really know him, but he thought it would be a great way to get to know his neighbor. In the end, he brought over a cordless tea kettle, and you two drank your cheap green tea on your porch, talking about everything and nothing. You might have passed it off as nothing but company with a stranger, but what won you over was his little performance.

With his phone, he played the song on a ukulele app.

Smile, though your heart is aching

Smile, even though it’s breaking

When there are clouds in the sky

you’ll get by

If you smile through your fear and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You’ll see the sun come shining through

for you….

The rest, was history.

___________________

Back inside the house, you two sipped on hot chocolate. In the corner of the living room, was a neat coffee table you hadn’t seen before. You kneeled beside it, and passed your hand over the mosaic tile. Underneath one of its legs was a book, missing its cover. You knew, this must of been one of his yard sale finds, but with a makeover. You asked why he didn’t fix the wobbly leg, he told you it gave it character, and that the book needed a friend.

Over and over you passed your hand over the table, strangely entranced by how cool it felt to the touch. It had been broken, but he made it right. Thinking back to the music box, it was the same old music box, but with a makeover, possibly using parts from the electronics. Resting your head on its surface, you found comfort in this knowledge. Zeta-7 saw the best in everything and everyone, even when you couldn’t see it yourself.

You sat there so long, that he joined you in admiration of the table. Why, you sighed, and he told you that he thought you needed a friend. No, you replied, you were talking about the knick knacks. Resting his head beside yours, he told you a fantastical story, one you that you didn’t think you could believe. He told you about his life, about the universe, and how there were other Ricks, but he was a fluke among their kind.

No, he was not an alien, but he had been to space. No, he was not a clone, but he knew how to create one. In his way, he explained as one would with a child this information, which could one day put you in harm’s way. Like the items which he had bought, what others considered garbage, useless, and unwanted, he thought of himself like them. In his home, they became like kin, and he’d find a way for them to be happy just like he strived to be.

Foolish it was to personify the lifeless, items which could never love him back, but they were his, and he gave them a home. Like his plants, they were his friends, and though he knew better, they remained so. You knew that he was different, and you found that at the end of his story, it didn’t matter. Zeta-7 was himself, he was his own person, and no clone, no alien, or creature could say otherwise. Above a whisper, he asked if you were disappointed.

No, you smiled, because you had chosen him. Just like he had chosen to see the good in everything, even if it meant nothing, he saw something in you, and you saw it in him. With his permission you laced his hand, and told him about the stuffed dog you had bought. After you had taken it home, you fixed him up. Though he would always look a little worn, it’s story wasn’t over.

Rick sighed, giving your hand a squeeze. Your kindred spirit, he was too pure for this universe. Something about you must have been good if he wanted you. Out of everyone in the universe, this silly old man, who loved his plants, crafts, and ukulele, wanted you. You hummed, a giggle escaping you when he told you that you looked pretty at this angle. You asked if he would show you the music box again, and he jumped up and ran for it.

Funny, he moved like running was something he was used to doing. Reluctant, you moved away from that little table, but you were sure that you’d be together soon.

__________

Your hot chocolate wasn’t so hot anymore, so you popped it in the microwave. You wondered what was taking him so long, and feeling a little hungry, popped some popcorn. Considering his sweet tooth, you dressed it up with toppings. Another thing you two shared was your love of toppings. Like, if you two ordered a pizza, you’d want as many as they are willing to put on, and the funnyman that he was would ask for a larger pizza just so that you two could have even more toppings.

With your bowl of buttery, crunchy goodness, you found that sweet spot on the couch, and waited. After twenty minutes, you left the empty bowl in the sink and wandered around, poking things you liked. You knocked on the garage door, and entered. He was tinkering with something, and froze when you laughed. Zeta-7 told you he was inspired to create a device, but it’s purpose was a surprise.

You sighed, knowing what would be best to do. You told him you were going to go home, and his hands stopped. He didn’t want you to go, he liked having you around, having someone to ask questions, to interrupt the silence which seemed to follow him. And you, you didn’t want to distract him, so you told him it would be best if you went home. Zeta-7 offered to walk to walk you to your home, but it was alright.

Sometimes he didn’t understand, and you had to choose your words carefully. There was no need to be desperate, to constantly please, and while it made you happy, it hurt you to see him so anxious. You told him that you loved it when he was himself, even like this, being the man who adored science as much as he loved everything else that he did. You turned to go, but he asked if you could wait a moment. Removing his goggles and gloves, he stood, making his way to where you were.

If you allowed him, he would go entertain you, then come back to finish the job after you left. Yet, if you let him go, he could finish the job, but feel guilty, and anxious over what caused you to go. You told him to choose what he wanted to do. You didn’t want him to feel guilty, and you didn’t want to stand in the way of his work, and whatever he chose, you’d respect his decision. You, he said, he wanted to be with you.

Be it here in the garage, or in the house, if you were around, he’d be able to relax a little. So you stayed, even for a little while longer. You asked questions when appropriate, handed him tools if they were out of his reach, and flirted when he was doing calculations, causing him to drop his pencil. When he was satisfied, he stopped tinkering, and apologized if it was boring. If watching him mutter to himself, blissful, with those gentle hands, carefully piecing together a device that did who-knows-what was boring, then you didn’t deserve him.

What had he done for you to want him he asked. How was it possible, that anything or anyone could like him, when he was so himself. You asked for his permission, his reply firm, but doubtful as to why you’d want to touch him. Pulling your chair close, your knees touched his.Intertwining your hands, you kissed them, and you colored him a picture with words.

As a writer, you knew a great deal of words which could flatter or please, but sincerity in the dearest form would be enough. You pointed out that he was an elysian creature, that his creativity, and how his capable hands created works of peace and love. Combing your fingers through his hair, you described his intelligent, orphic, beautiful mind. And while he was not young, he had varedity, and how his thoughts communicated with his body, and how his body, expressed itself so honestly, that you were surprised the whole world hadn’t fallen in love with him. You weren’t old enough, creative enough, or intelligent to describe him completely, for many of his virtues were ineffable.

If one were to trace those invisible qualities, they would lose themselves in a universe with so many stars, they would die before they could count them all. Zeta-7 wasn’t great, but unforgettable. You told him to stop you if he was uncomfortable, but he was contemplative. You thought you said too much and pulled away, but his grip was strong, and he told you he wished to know the rest.

You told him he could not fix you, that these feelings of yours weren’t broken, but designed, and with his actions, he painted you splendor. In his ear, you whispered every way he drove you wild, and how it was dangerous for him to be around someone like you, since you were at a constant state of wanting to kiss him. Then you pulled away a little, and sighed, telling him because you were only human, you would kiss him if you didn’t govern yourself. And while he was attractive to you, it was only because his soul was so beautiful. Wrapping your arms around him, you kissed him softly, telling him you should go.

Yet, not before he gave you the ornate box. You couldn’t believe that it was for you, you didn’t even feel like you deserved it, but he wanted you to have it. Why, you asked him, why did he make the music box for you. As though it weren’t already obvious, he chuckled. Being your neighbor, he had seen you over the years, was curious, but afraid to say anything. Rick suspected you were quite a character, and that when you two finally met, all he wanted was to know you, and see you smile back.

#doofus rick #doofus rick x reader #j19z7 #rick j19z7 #j19ζ7 #rick j-19-zeta-7 #j-19-zeta-7 #j19zeta7 #rick and morty fanfic #my writing #my fanfic #my fanfic stuff #my work #rick x reader #rick sanchez x reader

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be-themessenger · 6 years

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split enz, the cars & the who :D

🌟split enz🌟1. song I like the most: firedrill, by tim - ring ring ring that jaunty, lively b-side - and our day by neil, an ode to a life that’s to come and bless a family’s.2. album cover I like the most: time and tide and conflicting emotions have such precious artworks ad i initially can’t choose - though i have a thing for blues and gold tones, time and tide wins the fight because noel designed a logo for the album too (clock and moon), later to be seen on the hamilton gig intro. but god, remembering that Phil painted their dear faces on conflicting emotion is really blessing - he accepted ad created that lovely surreal thingo we frenz remember. but the sunset on time and tide is unbeatable.3. song that makes me wanna dance: plenty a frickton, from no bother to me to working up an appetite - they have developed such a pretty, danceable sound…4. song that made me cry: …a sound that goes wild. in fact no enz song did really make me cry but i did feel a soothing spiritual link to the songs talking about nature, as never ceases, or remember when?.5. member I feel the closest connection with: phil. though years have dug great differences in betweens us, me and the younger phil, we both had flowy hair, are artsy and have trust issues as big as mansions.6. hottest/most beautiful member: i guess it’s their naturally sun-blessed kiwi look but i love the finns to bits7. most entertaining member: noel he wrote comments on things for the enz fanclub or music press or nigel, who was a master of random action photo shooting - but honestly all of them were so particularly fun to watch onstage8. merchandise I own: waiata, time and tide and conflicting emotions on vinyl9. if I have seen them live and where: noooo and i wish i could’ve gone to Hamilton one, it was fab to see on youtube10. memories involving the band: when i spun my beautiful copy of time and tide for the first time - at nighttime on the best location ever: on the balcony of my seaside house. and all of a sudden during haul away i catch phil’s voice clearly singing ‘tell me more about split enz’ as seen in their demo ‘split ends’. whoosh. slashy feelings call.🌟the cars🌟1. song I like the most: fine line for heavenly moments of peace and running to you for when channeling energy is needed. love their keyboard lines, greg always slays the fuck outta all albums with dem skills *bostonian accent*2. album cover I like the most: pa no ra m. will forever be in love with that handpainted checkered flag flowin’ against that rich navy background - and let’s not forget the band pictures.and the b/w. and the colourblock on the inner sleeve3. song that makes me wanna dance: cruiser - that song is one hot summer ride to the beach on your shiny red Cadillac - condensed in the cars’ catchiest ever tune.4. song that made me cry: go away because it gives me shimmering hope. th voice of ben proposing ‘why don’t we go?’ is possibly one of the most ominous things i weirdly find comforting5. member I feel the closest connection with: david, the son of glam. i’ve been told i’m good ad picking the right items that match our aesthetics -david’s a champion at this i tell you. we’re artsy, sultry and we love to create shiny things6. hottest/most beautiful member: great gods - i feel all of them own a specifical kind of rare beauty that so ties up with their personalities and right now i can’t chooseeee7. most entertaining member: this is greg’s throne. he absolutely looks like the funniest person in the bunch and to me it’s enough to give him an ukulele and he’ll show you the way8. merchandise I own: door to door and panorama on vinyl. not much, huh?9. If I have seen them live and where: another act tha i’d kill to see live with virgo boy ben10. memories involving the band: sitting on the damn sofa writing some slashy romantic narrative last winter. it was centered on the theme of snow because we got caught in a terrible snowstorm nd i needed to convey the beauty of that into the cars, which i was soooo into during that time. one day i’ll ake a throwback post on the insta…🌟the who🌟1. song I like the most: the best of all who songs i heard so far, a song i feel truly fucking bound to - love reign o’er me. never fails to catch my senses, with those rippling guitars and grrrrr vocals2. album cover I like the most: has to be my generation. gotta love that bunch o’ britons showing off some mod britishness3. song that makes me wanna dance: has to be my generation - it‘s such a timeless fun tune i love to these day for its mod hymn nature.4. Song that made me cry: not really cry but hell, drowning has such heavy dragging lyrics - each time i try listening to it my mind forgets the rhythm and all and focuses on the lyrics5. member I feel the closest connection with: pete - among all i can easily say he has sympathy for waters. oh and we have the same everlasting bugger-off pout. 6. hottest/most beautiful member: pete again - he has this beautiful pair of crystal blue eyes and b/w photos make ‘em look super shiny. plus he’s a resting bitchface - big bonus point. 7. most entertaining member: i originally reserved this space for the cutest creature that is into keith but i got to say the most entertaining are all of them around keith. 8. merchandise I own: quadrophenia double cd, pete’s autobio and a model of one of his gits. does a badly handpainted hot wheels model car count? 9. if I have seen them live and where. god that would’ve been e x p l o s i v e 10. memories involving the band: happily shaking to my generation at my seaside house when i was little! i used to mix this and good vibrations into one song as they came together on this double cd my parents had. we still play that every now and then…thank you so much!

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fallenloverecords · 6 years

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Interview: Gentle Brontosaurus

Hi lovers! Here at Fallen Love headquarters we periodically interview people that we adore in order to shine a spotlight on our wonderful pop planet. We post all those interviews right here for your education and enjoyment.

Gentle Brontosaurus are an indiepop band from Madison, Wisconsin, USA. They are Huan-Hua Chye (ukulele & keyboard), Nick Davies (keyboard & trumpet), Cal Lamore (guitar), Paul Marcou (drums), and Anneliese Valdes (bass). Fallen Love head Harley interviewed the band through a computer. Fallen Love Records: How did Gentle Brontosaurus begin? Huan-Hua: Get ready for some band lineage in excruciating detail:

Nick and I used to be in a band called TL;DR that broke up after a couple of band members moved away, so we decided to start a new band.

We knew Paul and Jon from having played with their old band, Baristacide, and we recruited Michael to play bass for us through Craigslist.

Eventually Jon decided it was time to part ways with us and we asked Cal to play guitar. Nick and I had met Cal through a songwriting website called FAWM, February Album Writing Month.

Last year Michael moved to Milwaukee and decided to leave the band so we recruited Anneliese, whom I had met via a community ukulele club called MAUI and who had filled in on bass for us a while back for a Buffy The Vampire Slayer Musical Episode cover show we did with our friends Croaker.

And here is a curated selection of a few of our other related current or recent projects you might want to check out - we are busy individuals: Square Bombs (Paul & Jon) The Werewolverine (Anneliese) The Ferns or C. H. Lamore solo (Cal) Vowl Sounds, Red Tape Diaries (Huan-Hua) Spiral Island (Nick)

FLR: All five of you sing. Was that something planned on from the early stages or did it just discover itself? HH: We used to only have three vocalists (max one lead and one backing at any given time) but decided that seven instruments and three vocals between five people wasn't making the sound guys' lives hard enough (not to mention ours) so we added some more. It has definitely been a voyage of self-discovery. I think we'll try to streamline a bit more in the future, though, since venues almost never have enough mics. FLR: Based on your social media some people might expect you to be a comedy or novelty band. Are new listeners ever caught off-guard? Nick: Is this regarding the Facebook account where we share dinosaur memes or the Twitter account where we post things like Baha Men trivia? Early on I had our genre listed as "brony rock" on Facebook just as a joke and it’s come back up occasionally. Like the time Jimmy K, a local radio personality, had both us and The Ferns (Cal's previous band) on an episode of his show and he got his intro cards mixed up and called The Ferns "brawny rock." HH: Also we got invited to put a song on an actual brony rock compilation, which was unfortunately vetoed by other band members. Anyway I aim to keep expectations at rock bottom so that new listeners can only be pleasantly surprised when we turn out to be (hopefully) honest and charming and good. I don't usually aim for funny when I'm writing songs (although sometimes it ends up there) but I usually aim to be entertaining on social media. (I usually man the Facebook account and Nick the Twitter account). I feel it's the least I can do. FLR: Who writes the lyrics? Each song carries a real depth, like a full short story condensed into four minutes. HH: Nick and I are about 50/50 on songwriting. On the first album our old guitarist wrote one and our old bassist wrote one but I think on the new album it's more or less evenly divided between me and Nick as far as lyrics go. I think the two of us share a love for possibly ill-advised wordiness and allusions so sometimes people have been surprised to find out who wrote which songs. I wrote poetry for years before ever turning to lyrics and a few songs, like "Rabbit Test", are remnants of poems or stories or concepts I could never quite make work on the written page. N: I don't intend to give every song a narrative but in addition to FAWM in February I participate in NaNoWriMo in November. Maybe some of that bleeds over into songwriting. Storytelling does provide a way to address topics without being tied to your own perspective. I'd be kind of uncomfortable writing songs all about Nick and how Nick feels right now, especially if we might decide to have someone else in the band sing it. HH: I, on the other hand, love writing songs all about HH and how HH feels right now. Maybe this is why we have so many songs about food.

FLR: Your debut album, Names Of Things And What They Do, came out in November 2015. What was the process to get there and how has the path shifted since then? HH: That album was very DIY like our new one will be. We recorded it over a period of months in our old practice space and our old guitarist Jon mixed it. Similar approach this time around, all home recordings. It's going to be an interesting mix as some of these songs, like "Kevin Bacon", we've played for years (it almost made it onto the first album) and others, like "A Shot" or "For Emma, Forever Ago", we'd only been playing for a few weeks and had never played live before starting to record. So for those newer songs we're kind of figuring out arrangements and parts as part of the recording process. We recorded all the drums and scratch tracks live, the way we're used to playing, and are now going along and re-recording individual parts to replace the scratch versions. One of the things that's pretty interesting about our piecemeal recording process is that we often can't hear/process the cool things everyone else is doing since we are distracted at the time with our own performances. Sound balance is also difficult to get right live with five people,so there have been a lot of moments where, once you're listening to a clear recording, you go "Oh, I had no idea you had this awesome part happening here." It makes you appreciate everyone and their contributions and musicianship just that much more. FLR: Do you think dinosaurs had feathers or scales? Anneliese: Yes, and some had neither. FLR: Why hasn't Netflix rebooted popular '90s sitcom Dinosaurs yet? A: This might be a question for the Jim Henson Workshop. Fun fact: Kevin Clash, who's the voice of Elmo, was also the voice of Baby Sinclair. And Jessica Walter (of Arrested Development) was the voice of the mother. HH: I'm sure it's on the horizon since we are apparently officially in the midst of a serious worldwide franchise shortage. I will officially volunteer us to provide the soundtrack for the inevitable gritty, sexy reboot. (I mean have you seen Riverdale, the gritty, sexy Archie reboot? Anything is possible.) The theme song will be called "Nobody's Baby" and will be in the style of Julee Cruise and everyone will wear black leather jackets and white undershirts in a very sexy James Dean kind of way. Also, if you don't have a physical copy of our album, Baby Sinclair fans should check out the art on the inner sleeve. FLR: Do you ever get tired of answering dinosaur questions? Will your choice of band name haunt you for the rest of time? HH: No and no. Since we are from the Land Before Time I'm not totally sure yet what this "time" thing is but I'm sure I'll figure it out one of these days. (Sorry to the random person on Tumblr I stole that joke from.)

FLR: What's your earliest musical memory? N: The first songs I wrote were entirely MIDI, written in a sheet music editor. Sadly they were lost forever in the mp3.com buyout of 2001. I thought I had a cassette copy but I went back to my parents' house in D.C. this past summer and the cassette is gone too. After that era I started recording angsty stuff with a beat-up acoustic guitar and some ill-conceived "rapping." Unfortunately there are surviving copies of that. A: Dancing around the living room to my dad's old boogie-woogie records when I was three or four. HH: They gave us recorders in grade school because the only thing better than one five year-old playing the recorder is fifteen of them all at once so I clearly recall making some really avant-garde noise rock as part of my early musical education. Also one of our music teachers was a grad student at the UC Berkeley School of Music and wrote an opera called The Nightingale that he made us learn, like a troupe of performing opera monkeys. FLR: What song have you listened to the most this year? HH: I went to look at my Spotify stats and some of my top tracks in recent months have been: Frankie Cosmos- "Fool", Big Thief - "Masterpiece", X - "The World's A Mess, It's In My Kiss", Eux Autres - "Other Girls", and Jens Lekman - "To Know Your Mission." N: I'm also enjoying the new Jens Lekman album! Crying's Beyond The Fleeting Gales has been the album that has hardly left my car stereo this year. FLR: What's one question you've never been asked in an interview that you would love to be asked someday? HH: You are standing in front of two doors. Behind one lies immeasurable riches, behind the other lies certain death. There are two guards guarding the doors, one sworn to always lie and one sworn to always tell the truth, but you don't know which is which. What is the best song ever written, and why is it "Africa" by Toto? N: If we're ever interviewed by Nardwuar [The Human Serviette] I hope he knows that I dressed as him for Halloween once. HH: Also I think Paul and Anneliese were hoping to do a Jerry Springer-style interview someday with paternity tests and chair fights in front of a studio audience. FLR: What does 2018 look like for Gentle Brontosaurus? I know you're working on your sophomore album. N: We've started recording out at Cal's parents' barn in Cambridge, WI. You must have seen the big chart on Facebook. Once we get that released I think we're hoping to go out on tour again. Maybe reconnect with some of the folks we met on the road in 2016 or maybe play some shows around the upper midwest where we actually haven't been yet. FLR: The first album came on CD with a piece of toast. Will the new album come as a download code in a jar of jam? N: If someone bought our toast in 2015 and is still hanging onto it in 2018, I don't think jam is going to make it edible. HH: I'm not really into jam bands. Gentle Brontosaurus on Bandcamp Gentle Brontosaurus on Facebook

#interviews #Gentle Brontosaurus #scouting report #indiepop #Madison #Wisconsin

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monabela · 7 years

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yeeees it’s denest week and I love denest sO I am here to contribute to day one with a story about music/singing that reads like a romcom! since est working in music production is a frequently recurring theme when I write about him, it seemed fitting. enjoy :D

(i just wanna be) part of your symphony

characters/pairings: Denmark (Magnus)/Estonia (Eduard)

word count: 3297 summary: Eduard is getting sick of the irritating street musician out front of his music studio, but it turns out that maybe the man can teach him something.

It starts on a Monday. Eduard remembers this vividly. A clear, sunny Monday morning in May, when for once his coworkers don’t look as though they want to rip his head off when he greets them as usual.

The woman he is working with today arrives right on time, which Eduard chalks up to the fact that they are producing her first album, and she hasn’t yet developed the overdramatic flair that so many of the more seasoned artists he has worked with at the studio seem to have. Without fail, it includes being late to everything. Eduard has high expectations of the woman’s career, and of today – they’re recording the main vocals – until the Disruption starts.

He’s discussing some arrangements in a meeting room, with a session guitarist who is working elsewhere in the building, recording for one of their bigger names, when he stops in the middle of a sentence and holds a hand up to signal for silence from the man. Eduard strains his ears and frowns. The guitarist looks vaguely amused.

“What is that?” Eduard asks in distaste.

“Sounds like a kazoo to me.”

It does sounds like a kazoo, the shrill sound drifting in through a window that’s open a crack. Agitatedly, Eduard strides to the window to open it fully, and he looks down into the street. There aren’t many people out at all – this is a rather touristic part of town, and it is only a Monday morning, after all – but there is a person standing right out front of his building, hopping around as they play the kazoo.

As Eduard watches, they stop and start singing in a voice that sounds little different from the instrument. He bristles, pulling his head back inside.

“Top notch entertainment,” the guitarist jokes, but Eduard is not amused. He can’t have someone out there potentially ruining his studio’s hard-won reputation with their bad singing. That is just unacceptable.

“Excuse me for a moment,” he says, and walks into the adjoining office to phone down to the reception and tell them to send someone to convince the person to go elsewhere with their ridiculous act. What if people think they are with 2222 Studios? He has worked so hard to build this company up.

When he gets back, the guitarist raises his eyebrows at him and gestures at the window from where he is now sitting with his feet propped up on the table.

“Did you really just have kazoo guy sent away?”

“Yes,” Eduard answers shortly. “Now, where were we?”

The second time it happens, the musician has a guitar instead of a kazoo, and – no, they also have a kazoo, great. Eduard sighs. Perhaps he should have made it clear that they were not to return. When he looks out of the window, he sees that there are some people gathered around, watching and listening.

He tells the receptionist again to send the person away, and watches still as someone from security comes out and asks the musician to leave. Eduard nods to himself, pleased. They probably get the message now.

The musician does not get the message.

“Mr Mets?” his assistant asks, poking her head around the door of his office. Eduard looks up from his work, eyebrows raised. She knows not to interrupt him.

“What is it?”

“The, ah, the kazoo player is outside again. Well, he’s not technically playing the kazoo right now – he’s singing – but I thought you would like to know…” She trails off and fidgets with her skirt. For a moment, Eduard watches her and wonders why she seems so nervous. He’s not… Scary, is he?

But then the message filters through, and he stands up abruptly, sending his desk chair rolling back into the wall.

“Alright, I will go tell him to scram myself,” he says. His assistant quickly scuttles back to her desk when he has passed, but he barely notices, striding his way to the elevator and riding it downstairs. He doesn’t look at his reflection in the mirrored back wall. He never does.

In the lobby, he can already hear the guitar being played. He notes with dismay the receptionist bobbing his head along as he types busily. When the man looks up and sees Eduard, he stiffens. Eduard shakes his head and goes outside.

Alright, there is the culprit. It’s a man who’s just a bit shorter than him, wearing a leather jacket and bright red jeans, which clash horribly with his coppery blond, spiked hair. His guitar is an old one, covered in stickers, but Eduard has to admit he’s at least tuned it right.

“Sir?” he starts loudly. Luckily, there aren’t many people watching the man perform. He has no desire to cause a scene.

He looks at Eduard without stopping his strumming, strikingly dark eyebrows raised. For god’s sake, he has the kazoo on a length of rope around his neck.

“Yeah? Got a request?” He grins.

“As a matter of fact, I do. I would like to request you leave this place, and don’t return.”

“Really?” The man turns fully to Eduard, still playing a soft melody. “Ya know, I got a license for this ‘n everythin’. This’s the third time they’re tryin’ to send me away. It just ain’t happenin’. This is a good spot.”

Eduard pushes his glasses up, trying to breathe deeply.

“You know you are in front of my recording studio?” he asks.

This time, the man does stop playing. “Your recordin’ studio?”

“Yes. And I kindly ask you to go play somewhere else.”

“But why? Aren’t ya supposed to like music?”

“I…” Eduard frowns. “I do. But I’m not sure what you’re doing here can be qualified as such. It gives off a bad impression, you see.”

The man opens his mouth and tilts his head with a frown, but he doesn’t say anything. After a few seconds, he strums his guitar again. The sparse audience claps. Eduard glares in their general direction, but they only clap louder. Someone whistles. The musician grins.

“I don’t think I’m the one givin’ off the bad impression here, my man.”

“Please, sir.”

The man just looks at Eduard, downturned eyes assessing. Eduard has to wonder what he sees.

“Alright, I’ll leave if it makes ya happy. Can I just finish my song?”

“Fine. Thank you.” Eduard turns to go back inside, back to his paperwork, but the musician calls out.

“Hey, what’s your name?”

“Eduard Mets,” he says hesitatingly.

“Alright, Mr Mets. Wish I could say it was nice to meet ya. I’m Magnus Nordskov.” He salutes cheekily and goes back to his guitar, starting a jaunty tune. As Eduard walks inside, he can hear him joining in with his awful singing. He tunes it out.

Barely a week later, Eduard jolts out of his chair during a meeting with the singer, who has now almost finished recording her album and is visibly excited. It makes Eduard tired to watch her.

“Sir?” she asks, when he abruptly stands up and throws the window open, letting the warm summer air into the meeting room along with the sounds of guitar music and nasal singing.

“You have got to be kidding me,” Eduard grumbles, pushing the window shut again. He offers no explanation to the singer or any of the other people in the room before stomping out, taking the stairs two at a time, and flinging the front door of the studios open. He sees Magnus Nordskov glance his way, but the man doesn’t acknowledge him otherwise until Eduard positions himself right in front of him.

“Mr Mets, so nice to see ya,” he drawls.

“What are you doing here?” Eduard hisses, leaning over to him. He smells rather overwhelmingly like hair gel and coffee.

“Playin’, Mr Mets, what’s it look like?”

“Breaking a promise, is what it looks like, Mr Nordskov.”

With a wicked grin that shows far too many crooked teeth, he says, “I ain’t breakin’ anythin’. See, my song ain’t finished just yet. It’s very long. Lotta rhythm changes, key changes. Sometimes I even change my instrument. No tellin’ how long it’ll take to finish.”

Eduard breathes deeply once more. He can handle this. The man thinks he’s being clever. Fine. No problem. He leans more forward, into Nordskov’s personal space.

“Look at it like this. A potential client of mine walks up to here. The only entrance. They see you. What will they think?”

Nordskov raises his eyebrows. “‘Hey, that guy looks like he’s havin’ fun’?” he suggests. Still, his fingers move on the strings of his guitar.

“Music is not about fun,” Eduard bursts, and now, the musician stills. He holds Eduard’s eye steadily, dark blue boring into him.

“Do you hear yourself?” he asks.

They are silent for a long while, just staring at each other. Eduard breathes through his nose, trying to calm himself. His chest feels painfully constricted.

“Think about that,” Nordskov eventually whispers, leaning even more over to Eduard before stepping back and continuing his song as if nothing happened. The crowd cheer, and Eduard sees no other option than to leave.

If the singer upstairs looks at him with disapproval writ plainly on her face, he pretends not to see.

Magnus Nordskov is outside again, for the first time not wearing the leather jacket. He’s got a ukulele this time. Eduard leans against the windows in his office and looks down at the musician, the people coming and going around him. It’s been pretty busy around town lately, and Nordskov seems to enjoy the attention. Of course he does.

Eduard hates it.

The tune he’s playing is light, and his voice actually doesn’t sound so bad, but Eduard still hates it. He’s a street musician in front of recording studio.

“Mr Nordskov!” he calls when he walks outside this time.

“Mr Mets!” the man replies, fitting the name into the melody of his song. He continues, “I wish I could talk, but ya see, all o’ these people are here just for me.”

“I will call the police.” Honestly, Eduard hasn’t even thought about doing any such thing.

“I ain’t the one disruptin’ work in progress; matter o’ fact, that’s you, Mr Mets.” He launches into a chorus of repeated la-la-las, which the crowd soon joins in with. As they continue and he plays the ukulele, he tilts his chin at Eduard, obviously beckoning him over. Eduard goes with a sigh.

Nordskov licks his lips. “Right, listen, even if ya call the cops, they can’t do anythin’ about me bein’ here. Like I said, I got a license. I’m not bein’ disruptive. No reason for them to send me away or anythin’.”

“I know, I know,” Eduard replies agitatedly.

“And I know I ain’t the best singer.” He laughs disarmingly, which Eduard only hates him more for. “I wish I could be Johnny Cash, ya know? Wish I could be Volbeat, but it’s more Axl Rose on a bad day. I know. But I ain’t bad. And I’m havin’ fun. These people are havin’ fun.”

Eduard opens his mouth, then shuts up, biting his lip.

“So really, Mr Mets, what’s your deal?”

“I’m not having fun,” he says, but it comes out in a much lower voice than he expected, or wanted. He pushes his glasses up, looking around at the street. It’s crowded with people in light clothes, and nearly all of them smile as they walk past Nordskov.

“Right. And whose fault is that?”

Eduard hates how soft the man’s voice is all of a sudden, but he just looks at his neat black shoes, shakes his head, and turns to go back inside.

Eduard loves music. Or so he thinks.

He knows for a fact he used to. After a fairly strict upbringing, he enjoyed listening to all kinds of music, including many things his parents would disapprove of. From reggae to death metal to eurodance, he’d listen to anything.

He tries to remember when the last time was he actually sat down and just listened to something, and comes up empty. Unless he counted the Eurovision Song Contest, but even that has not been so enjoyable the past years, for some indiscernible reason.

Has he ruined music by turning it into his job? Is that even possible?

This time, Eduard waits in the lobby of the studio for Magnus Nordskov to show up, and goes outside to catch him before he starts to play when he does.

“Oh, fuck, ya scared me,” the man says when Eduard calls his name. He clutches his chest dramatically. “Ya goin’ to tell me to leave again?”

“No, I’m— No.” Eduard chews on his lower lip. “I want to ask you a question.”

Nordskov makes a go-ahead motion while he opens his guitar case and takes the instrument out, hanging it around his neck and gently tuning it.

“Why are you here?”

The musician looks at him with one eye. There are laugh lines around it, visible even though he isn’t precisely smiling right now. Despite them, he can’t be much older than Eduard. A year or two at most.

“That’s the big one, ain’t it?” he asks. “Why are any of us here?”

“Nordskov…”

“I get it, I get it. Well, for starters, it really is a good spot. People who come from the station are gonna come through here first, ya know?” He smiles down at his guitar in a surprisingly gentle way. “I also like windin’ people up, so there’s that.”

Eduard opens his mouth to say something indignant, but is forestalled.

“And you’ve been kinda intriguin’ me, Mets. How can someone who runs a recordin’ studio hate music so much? I really wonder.”

“I don’t hate…” Eduard trails off.

“C’mon, coming from the guy who told me music wasn’t supposed to be fun? What am I supposed to think here?”

Eduard looks down at his sincere blue eyes, the freckles covering his entire face and his arms. The beat-up guitar. Long fingers plucking at the strings.

“I don’t even know what I think, Nordskov,” he confesses, still looking at the guitar.

“Are we havin’ a moment? If we’re havin’ a moment, please call me Magnus.”

Eduard looks at his face incredulously.

“Seriously.” He grins widely. “Maybe ya should figure out what ya think. Smash some plates or somethin’, I hear that helps.”

“What would you do?” He is unsure why he asks. Like he will give any useful advice.

The grins widens. “Me? I’d just play some music. Might do ya good too, Eduard.”

Eduard listens to country music and jazz and rap, and then he cycles back through country music to power metal, and after that to pop. He has told his assistant not to disturb him unless it is an emergency. He has no idea what time it is.

He tries to let go, but is finding it difficult. It sounds like work, all of it. He’s listening for imperfections even on tracks he didn’t produce, on sixty-year-old songs that crackle through the speakers.

Music is supposed to be fun, he thinks.

What happened to that?

This time, Eduard doesn’t say anything. He just picks Magnus Nordskov’s guitar case up and motions for him to follow.

They walk into the studios amid confused gazes from Eduard’s employees – and Nordskov himself probably isn’t better.

“What’s goin’ on, man?” he exclaims when he is seated in a recording booth. “I mean, hey, this is awesome, always wanted to get in here, but it feels a little like you’re gonna murder me, ya know?”

“I – what? No. I want you to play something. Anything. Whatever makes you happy.”

“Oh, in that case, I really like Twister, and I’d like to see ya try…” He trails off and wets his lips. “Alright, so this is serious business, I get it. What is this, a Disney movie? Are ya tryin’ to find your spark or some shit?”

“What if I am?” Eduard asks defensively.

“You’re gonna need to help.”

He frowns, fidgeting with the buttons of his sleeves.

“Play any instruments? Ya could use my guitar, but it might be difficult, what with you bein’ left-handed.”

“You noticed that?”

Nordskov grins.

“And, I play the piano.”

“That’s awesome! Any chance ya could teach me? Yes, no, shut up you’re ruinin’ the mood Magnus?”

Eduard just raises his eyebrows and asks, “Am I making you nervous?”

“Yeah,” he admits readily, but he grins. “Kinda a big deal knowin’ ya could be the spark in a Disney movie, ya know? Big dream, comin’ true.”

“I don’t even know what you mean,” Eduard says, laughing.

“He laughs! C’mon, let’s go find a piano for you, Eduard.”

Which is how Eduard finds himself seated at a keyboard in another booth, with Magnus squeezed on to the bench next to him, hands hovering over the keys for the first time in years. He breathes deeply. His hands tremble. Magnus is silent, which seems to be rare.

“I used to love music,” Eduard says, for some reason.

“Hmm, I’m sure ya still do,” Magnus says. “’S hard to stop, really. All part of the makeup.”

Eduard looks over at him, confused.

“Genetic makeup,” he clarifies, smiling. “And, I mean, the rest o’ yours turned out quite nicely, so.”

Before Eduard can process that, the man is strumming his guitar and humming along. A folk song, one Eduard knows. He brushes his fingers over the keys.

He presses down, and the keyboard makes a noise that sounds like a fart. Magnus abruptly stops playing and laughs. Eduard tries hard to be indignant, but in the end, he gives in and collapses into helpless laughter, leaning on the other man. The smell of coffee doesn’t seem so bad now, really. It’s quite comforting.

“C’mon, play it!” Magnus encourages, pressing a few high notes on the keyboard. He giggles like a teenage boy.

And so, Eduard does. He plays the folk song without worrying that it sounds like farts, or like an ominous choir when Magnus decides to change the instrument halfway through, and after some hesitation, he even joins in when the man starts to sing.

After a while, he realizes Magnus has fallen silent, and he stops, feeling self-conscious all of a sudden.

“What?”

“No, just… You’re a really good singer.” Magnus grins. “And also, you may have found your spark, Eduard. And it wasn’t even me!”

“Will you shut up about the spark?” Eduard says, choosing to ignore the rest because he has no idea how to react to it. He sang a lot when he was younger, but hasn’t done so in a long time.

“No, I will not.”

“Alright then. Alright.” Eduard looks at him. “Thank you. You were part of it.”

“Now just keep fannin’ those flames,” he advises. “And really, it was my pleasure, especially if you’ll just let me play out front now.”

Eduard huffs. “I might.”

“Good.” Magnus stands up, running a hand through his hair, which springs back up immediately. “I’ll see ya ‘round, then, Eduard.”

Eduard also stands up, and grabs the man’s arm. Magnus, who wasn’t going anywhere, looks down at his hand, surprised, then up at Eduard with a questioning look.

“I’ve been rude to you,” Eduard says. “And you helped me, and I want to thank you and how do you feel about dinner maybe?”

Magnus smiles ever so slowly, a pleased sparkle in his eyes. Eduard thinks he’d be happy to see more of that.

“That sounds like a good way to fan the flames.”

“Well, if that’s what you say… You’re the expert.”

Magnus clasps Eduard’s shoulder. “Not really. I just have weird ways of flirtin’.”

Eduard can’t believe it worked.

#denestweek #aph denmark #aph estonia #denest #Hetalia #w: 5000 #u: human #fin #this is not... very good hhhhH

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road-of-self-love · 7 years

Photo

Just a little forewarning, these pictures might be blurry, and that's just because my phone camera has this little thing called sun damage. So just deal with it. First up, we have my cute little door. I hung up my “Surf’s Up” sign and flower necklace thing (idk how to spell it). It’s a cute little foresight into who I am.

After you open my door and walk in, this is the view you’re greeted with. Yes, that is a wall of mirrors, and yes, I dance in front of them like an idiot. Pretty basic so far, yeah? Let’s take a closer look.

This is directly above where my head goes when I sleep, fun fact. So lets start on the top shelf and work our way down. My best friend gave me the “Friends will help you...” sign before our senior year of high school, and even though we went through a phase of not speaking, I kept it anyway. I’m really glad I did, because she’s the best thing since sliced bread. ANYWAY, next to it are the two photo albums I have from my adventures in California. I marched in the 2016 Rose Parade with the Wyoming All-State Marching Band. Those little pins stuck into my headboard are from that year. There’s a compass that says “Find your adventure” which was the motto for the parade, and then there’s WASMB’s trading pin. And we’re moving on again. Next to the photo albums is a cute little R2D2 that I got in Disneyland when I was there for the parade. The little airplane in front of it was given to me when I was six by my grandpa who owns the real life version of the toy plane. The mini Statue of Liberty is from my time spent in NYC when I was in fifth grade. The very wilted rose is from work. I stole it one day when I was having a really tough day. Next is my cute little cactus! His name is Harry and I’m really excited to take him to college with me. The toy horse is from my younger days when I played with horses all the time, wishing to ride and be out in the country with them all day. And then finally, the picture behind the horse is of myself and three of my very dear friends on Valentine’s Day this year. We went on a road trip and did a bunch of super fun things together. My friend Lindee knew how hard it was going to be on me, having just got out of a relationship, so she and her boyfriend planned the whole outing to remind me that love exists in more than just the romantic form. It was one of the best days of my year.

Moving on to my little “end table”. I obviously hate candles. And fun fact (which ties into my door theme), all of them are tropical scented. Except the Candlelights, which, to be fair, I didn’t pick out so that’s why they’re different. My current favorite candle is my Aloha Colada one, which is the white one in the front. You can also see my hair brush that I forgot to clean out after I finished brushing my hair this morning, my hand sanitizer, and my little phone stand thing.

This is my new favorite corner of my room. It’s where I sit and watch Netflix, YouTube, read books, and just generally chill. I dig it.

This is my chair, a little close up. I have a little table I set up whenever I’m using my laptop, so it doesn’t normally sit there. However, When I’m finished using it for the night, It sits right there. My emoji pillows stay there full time, except I use the smiling one whenever I’m too lazy to fluff my regular bed pillow.

Definitely the most boring part of my room. My tank top rack that holds everything, my jewelry chest, and my garbage that ?I need to take out. Oopsies. Also, my flag from color guard is in the wrong corner... I’ll have to fix that.

Recognize this bad boy? It’s my Daily-Do’s from yesterday! I hung it up where I see it every time I walk out my door to guilt trip me into actually following it. Hopefully it works.

Now this corner is probably the most interesting of all my corners. It’s what I like to call the talent/hobby corner.

To begin in this fabulous corner, I have my book shelf. Freshly dusted and slightly reorganized since I’m reading a book from the middle shelf and I keep forgetting to return I’ll Give You the Sun to my friend who let me borrow it in the first place. As you can see, I have a very large variety of books: everything from cutesy romance to hard core action novels to the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe and William Shakespeare. And my movie selection is just strange, not about to lie. But this is just another little insight into who I am. It might be weird, but so am I.

Humble brag time. These are the hobbies I’ve kept with up until this point. So lets just list everything off before I tell stories. I’ve got my nail polish, knitting bag (pink bag under polish), ukulele, guitar, trombone, camera tripod, camera and extra camera bag, work shirts (oopsies), and yoga mat. Hidden beneath my camera are pictures I’ve taken and framed.

I took up knitting in fourth grade because I wanted to be better than this really annoying girl in my grade. Needless to say, I really enjoyed it.

Music is one of my passions. It moves me unlike anything else in this world and I couldn’t imagine living my life without it. I play a total of eight instruments and I used to be in choir, so nine if you count that. I picked up guitar the summer before my junior year, dedicated to learning a new instrument that would challenge me. And let me tell you, it really has. I’m impressed with myself for taking the time and putting in the work to learn it. Ukulele I picked up my senior year as a little passion project. It was extremely easy to learn in comparison to guitar and I really enjoy playing a cute little melody on it when given the chance. Trombone came into my life by accident, really. Jazz Two needed a bass trombone and I volunteered to play, praying I could fill the shoes I needed to properly. And honestly, I did. I went above and beyond, outplaying Jazz One’s bass trombonist (who’d been playing for three years) in just six months. I’ve been truly blessed with my musical ability. If I stayed dedicated and had the true drive for it, I don’t doubt I could go on to be a professional musician and make a life for myself playing music all the time. Anyway, jazz music is my favorite form of live music, and it’s my favorite to play as well. So in college I’m picking up the old horn and going back at it. I’m excited.

Moving onwards, photography is my life’s passion. There’s just something to be said about being able to adequately capture a moment in time forever. Photography does what words cannot do alone, which is ironic because they’re both two things I absolutely love. If you guys want, we could set up a little thing on like Wednesdays where we share some of our writings or just little phrases we made up that we really like! I think it’d be fun.

Last stop in the talent corner, my yoga mat. I started doing yoga when I was a competitive swimmer because it helped my body relax and destress after a week of long, exhausting practices. It and meditation have stayed in my life as little destressing things I do to relax and stay in touch with myself.

So yeah! That’s my talent corner!

Since I finished hanging my lights in my room, my chair’s corner is really chill and it just gives off this really warm, happy vibe. I finally feel like my room amplifies who I am.

And to round out this tour, here’s a panorama of my room with the lights off. It isn’t perfect, but it’s perfect enough for me. After years of not having a full space dedicated to me and my personality, it feels amazing to finally claim ever inch of the space.

I hope you guys have enjoyed this tour! It was fun to walk through my room and share stories and fun facts about me and my life! If you’ve got any questions or want to see more cool things like this, let me know and we can definitely make it happen! Thank you guys for joining me and I hope you have an amazing night/day!

#room tour #daily check in #not traditional #fitblr #health & fitness #my story #my room #my life #music #photography #life passions

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tylerrrrrdun · 7 years

Note

also thoughts on each panic! album sdfgdfsd

Woa. Okay. Sure.

A Fever You Can't Sweat Out

This is probably like my 2nd favourite album of Panic! The whole era is just so weird and crazy, I love it. My favourites are The Only Difference, There's A Reason These Tables and Lying Is The Most Fun. I love Brendon's vocals but also mostly Ryan's backing vocals tbh. Ryan's on stage makeup hkhgdhf. Also, the concerts are so weird (but awesome) with characters like the ones from the I Write Sins video dancing around etc and their instruments are so pretty. I don't think I've ever seen an album like this with such a crazy theme and sound, It's really cool how the lyrics are just this odd story that makes 0 sense most of the time. I personally love the drums, it's v different to every other album (well..at least the albums Spencer’s actually in :/) he has a really cool take on it. I don't exactly know how to explain it but I love the rhythm of the hi-hats and also his use of the toms in certain songs. It's also really cool how they use strings in some of their songs. It's just a really great, up beat, alt. rock/punk album.

Pretty. Odd.

This is definitely my favourite album. It has such a calm and pretty sound. I feel like the harmonies between Ryan and Brendon really stand out with such a soft sound, I love Ryan and Brendon's voices together. It's a huge difference from AFYCSO with fewer cymbals and less distortion etc. It's just as pretty aesthetically as it is with the sound..the cover art and the entire theme is beautiful tbh. I love Northern Downpour, with such beautiful lyrics and sweet sounding piano/acoustic guitar in the intro but tbh through out the entire song. The drums are soft and it really fits the whole mood of the song. You can really hear Ryan's voice in certain areas, it's awesome. The outro is sO pretty. That Green Gentleman, I really like the music video but also idk why but I love the tempo? Compared to half of the album it's just really up beat and fun. The chorus is really cool how it builds up to just the vocals then comes back in(if you know what I mean?). I also really like Do You Know What I'm Seeing. It's so fricken pretty, with the strings and soft lyrics. I honestly just love lyrics about the sky and nature etc lol. Brendon's voice imo just sets the whole soft tone, it's just so good. When The Day Met The Night and I Have Friends In Holy Spaces(OML THE FRICKEN UKULELE) are both just as beautiful with such unique sounds for themselves. I feel like Behind The Sea is Ryans song and it’s beautiful. Over all, the album is just really fricken beautiful with such a distinct, pure sound. The lyrics are wild but honestly so pretty. I love it so much.

Vices & Virtues

(The logo is really cool) This is definitely a huge change with an electronic/alt. rock/pop punk sound. Personally, I don't really prefer this album as a whole (compared to the others) but I some of my favourite Panic! songs are from Vices. Sadly Ryan and Jon left at this point and it’s honestly p sad cos they both bought such great talent to the band. I miss Ryans vocals in this album tbh lol. But! Dallon came into Panic! in Vices and that’s honestly the best part! He’s amazing. My favourite song is definitely Always, I love the lyrics with all the different metaphors etc. (It’s also p fun to play on guitar) Personally I love the chords A7 A6 and Dsus2 etc. I love the theme of The Ballad Of Mona Lisa it's a really cool sound. The Calendar has such an odd electronic sound in the intro but it's a great song. Let’s Kill Tonight definitely has the most electronic feel and I personally love it. (listening to the start rn..it kinda reminds me of Dallons new song Modern Day Cain by IDKHBTFM lol) Nearly Witches is one of my favourites with the intro?? oml it's great. I love the lyrics. Plus it has such an energetic sound.

Too Weird To Live, Too Rare To Die!

This is a really good album but again, not one of my favourites as a whole album. (I love the new logo) It kinda feels depressing in a way? Not the songs but it just gives me a weird vibe? Ig the cover art sorta does that. Idk? The art usually does take an effect. Fever is just weird but it’s fitting lol, Pretty. Odd. Has a really beautiful cover, Vices seems powerful and confident with Brendon and Spencer on the front but Too Weird seems lonely and a bit dim? idk. Doesn't affect the sound tho. My favourites are Girls/Girls/Boys, it’s such a powerful song with an awesome message and I love it so much. Especially in the DOAB tour when they had the rainbow hearts, pride flags and famous LGBTQ+ influences on the big screen thingys. All The Boys(Dallon did an awesome job with this song, it’s great), This Is Gospel and Miss Jackson. I personally don’t really like this album as much as the others but it still has a great, alternative, pop rock, electronic sound.

Death Of A Bachelor

This is another great album, I feel like it has a really solid sound more than the emptiness of some songs on Too Weird. The vocals are strong and powerful. The bass is awesome on this album tbh and so is the drums. I love Golden Days, it has a really positive and up beat feel with great lyrics “...and the clock just makes the colours turn to grey. Forever younger growing older just the same” is probably my favourite line, It’s p inspiring but also just cool metaphors and stuff lol. Impossible Year is a really pretty song, the lyrics are so sad but really powerful. The piano and brass are so beautiful and they just give it a really nice sound. I love the ending how it sorta just fades out. LA Devotee is one of my favourites for it’s up beat rhythm and idk why but I really love the vocals over most of the other songs? Maybe it's the key he's in or something? idk lol but I really like it. Crazy=Genius gives sort of a Fever feel with the toms and over all sound. Death Of A Bachelor has such a cool sound but it’s also really beautiful. I love the meaning and vocals. The whole album is a great improvement imo from the last album with more of a positive and powerful over all sound.

I really love Panic! At The Disco, they’re one of my favourite bands and I can't wait for their next album! :D

Thank you so much for this ask Danica! It was fun to answer

Send me a ‘thoughts on…’ ask if you’d like! ^-^

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gay-outer-space-blog · 7 years

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Alright @aguirreagre wanted to know more about my beautiful babes!! I only did headcanons sorry!! ALSO some minor cursing. BUT PLEASE TALK TO ME ABOUT MY BABES PLEASE!!!1!!1 Coriander "Bree" Ludwings -a meme loving FUCK she will send you memes at four in the morning and expects you to reply to them at 3:59 -her nickname "Bree" come from her middle name Brianna -in like her mid-thirties she had like the nose piercings on either side of the bridge of her nose?? -(cause in oc/canon garbage) I ship her with the gross pickle man :)) -she started w/ music late in college -she majored in biology in college to :00 -she playes bass and a bit of ukulele -she lives for crop tops and sweaters -her and kitty dated once but they both weren't really into the whole thing so :// but they're still 👌👌 -she has gotten knocked up a few times and has met them all!! They're all doing good! -has a little 3 legged bull terrier named peanut! -sends the worst pictures ever to the band group chat like ones with her scrunching her face to have a double chin -either the mom friend or a bitch no in between -named their band "Living" because their first album was about the ups and downs of life -isn't to good with songwriting -is panromantic/bisexual -is the lead vocalist for the band and plays bass for them too :00 Veronica "Kitty" Kloritz -she's the guitarist for the band and has been teaching Bree to play the ukulele -is "the plant gay" -got her nickname for being widely know to be quite flexible;)) -is one of the main songwriters for the band -met Bree at a battle of the bands and they soon dated but only for a few months -HAS THE GREENEST EYES SWEET JESUS -has plants everywhere!! -can hook you up the *cough* mary jane -came out to her parents at 14 and got kicked out and went to live with some distant cousins -has so many different colored pink/nude lipsticks!! -is REALLY gay -has never tried Starbucks and doesn't intend to -usually has her hair over one eye but puts it up when it's hot or sometimes performing -she's like an aunt to noodle -aesthetic hoe Zeke Bram -dad friend of the group -mainly works with the tech and everything like that for the band -is ace/aro -has like this space themed tattoo on his left bicep -is also left handed!! -sometimes does bass vocal for songs or a duet -is the oldest of three kids the other two is a pair of twins named Millie and Jamie -Prim might be dating one of them?? -has a little pet French bulldog named orion -Russell freaked out a bit when he met him because he looks a bit like Del?? -has these piercings under his bottom lip -keeps the band on track w/ practice and recordings -gives the best hugs -has 8 other beanies in the same color like everyone's confused onto why -has this pale purple handkerchief from his sisters Primrose Jovel -plays the key-tuar (I can't speel worth my life) and drums for the band -is biromantic/demisexual -you know that face aquamarine made in the Steven bomb?? yeah that's her mood most of the time -is pretty chill and relaxed but mainly with the band -honestly gives the best advice!! -she's known Bree the longest //she dated her mom for a year or two and got Prim into music at a young age -can and will crush your head between her thighs -stretch marks on her stomach,thighs and arms -feminist -does a lot of the back up vocals --has the prettiest lips you'll ever see -her inspiration is Beyonce -flipped out when she heard she'd have twins like she told the entire band about it for WEEKS -punched murdoc in the dick cause he freaked her the FUCK OUT -murdoc still doesn't get within 5 feet of her

#my ocs #gorrilaz oc #bree #prim #zeke #kitty #ref

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biofunmy · 5 years

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Retiring From Ballet Theater, a Dancer Gets What She Needs

Why do some dancers rise in a ballet company while others become stuck?

At American Ballet Theater, Melanie Hamrick seemed to be on the path to becoming a leading ballerina. A gracious, willowy dancer, Ms. Hamrick’s combination of line, warmth and a rare kind of transcendent beauty — it always reminded me of Julie Kent, a former Ballet Theater star — made her the kind of dancer you’d want to see as Juliet, say, or Giselle.

Early on, Ms. Hamrick, who started studying ballet as a child in Williamsburg, Va., danced prominent roles in “Apollo” and “Les Sylphides,” but gradually her debuts started to peter out. Ms. Hamrick said that Victor Barbee, the company’s former associate artistic director, used to tell her, “‘You’re just the best corps dancer we’ve ever had.’

“I was like, is that a good thing or a bad thing?” she continued. “Is that holding me back?”

Now after 15 years as a member of the corps de ballet, Ms. Hamrick has decided this fall season will be her final one with Ballet Theater. Her final performances — in “Apollo” last Sunday afternoon and as a demi-soloist in “Theme and Variations” on Tuesday and Saturday — are in ballets by George Balanchine. It’s fitting: As a dancer, she is sleek, musical and in possession of a great jump. “I love the feeling of ‘Apollo,’” she said. “It feels like coming home. It feels natural.”

One afternoon, before Ballet Theater’s fall season at Lincoln Center, Ms. Hamrick showed how true that was as she prepared in the studio for Calliope, a role she has danced before in “Apollo.”

Two other dancers learning the part were following along. As the steps came back to Ms. Hamrick, 33, she used her elegant limbs extravagantly to cover space. “It’s so musical,” she said, rosy-cheeked and panting.

“I feel if she wasn’t there,” said the soloist Cassandra Trenary pointing to Ms. Hamrick, “I wouldn’t have a clue.”

During a break in between rehearsals at a cafe near the company’s Lower Broadway studios, she recalled her first performance of “Theme” — specifically, the moment right before the show when she discovered that her dressing-room spot had been decorated with gifts and notes that said things like, “You can do it!”

She had only been in the company for a couple of months. “I thought everyone hated me,” she said. “To see my spot decorated and so much love — just from the beginning, it was really special. That is hard to leave.”

But Ms. Hamrick’s life has changed. She has a son, Devereaux, 2, with her partner, Mick Jagger. She also wants to pursue choreography, which she explored earlier this year when she and Joanna DeFelice, her friend and creative partner, produced “Porte Rouge,” set to music by the Rolling Stones. That experience, she said, allowed her to shed some of her fears.

“I got all this confidence that I wish I had had during my years at A.B.T.,” Ms. Hamrick said. “I had a really great season last spring: I felt like this is who I am as a dancer. This is my style. Before, I felt like I was always just trying to make everyone happy.”

She also wants to keep dancing — but in a more contemporary vein.

In a recent interview, Ms. Hamrick discussed the ups and downs of her career, the importance of the corps de ballet and a spectacular spill she took — with young Dev — at a Rolling Stones show. Here are edited excerpts.

Why did you decide to stop now?

It feels time to close this chapter and open the next. The schedule of A.B.T. is great, but it’s hard when you have a child and the life I have now. I feel like superwoman some days, and other days I feel like I’m head above water just phoning in being a dancer — coming to rehearsal and not being my best. That’s not fair. I love it. But sometimes my head is not there. And I’ve done enough “Swan Lakes.” It’s O.K.

When you were starting out in A.B.T., you had real promise, but you didn’t rise beyond the corps de ballet. What happened?

I don’t think I realized what I had to offer. I was constantly, When am I going to mess up? Everyone was saying, “She’s a ballerina, she’s so amazing” and praising me, and I didn’t understand why or what I had done.

I was so hard on myself. I was nervous all the time. I was so nervous to walk into the studio even. I still enjoyed all the shows, because when you get onstage it’s great, but I didn’t feel comfortable in my skin. My father got ill. It was awful.

Did you get to spend time with him?

I was going home every other weekend to see him and sleeping in the hospital and coming back here and trying to work. I was tired and sad and not dancing well. After that, my mind switched. I was like, I want my family first, and I’ve kept that.

Did you talk to the artistic staff about your place in the company?

Yeah, we had chats, and it’s always positive. And I’m inconsistent. If I have a rough day, a tiring day outside, it’s hard for me not to bring it to the studio and then my work isn’t very good. People have been promoted and it’s politics. I’m not so good with that. I just say what I think. So I feel it’s all of those combinations.

Does your son dance?

He dances a ton. I don’t have him in classes yet. He plays the ukulele and he makes up songs. He’s got the gene. Definitely. I really want him to take tap. For a little boy to make some noise with his feet? He loves music classes. I’m a little bit like [whispers], “Did you see that? He’s picking up the guitar.” [Laughs]

He loves going onstage. I brought him onstage for one of Mick’s concerts before they opened the door. They had a few people in. I was like: “Let’s go down the ramp — no one’s here. Let’s run!” And the two of us were running down the ramp and he tripped and I tripped and we both face planted and rolled over, and there were more people there than I thought.

Did people film it?

They did, but no one posted it. I’m supposed to be a professional dancer and I’m out there rolling with my son. I was like, this is going to be a horr-ible video. I was cringing. I grabbed Dev and we ran off the stage. I warned Mick, though. I was like, “This is what happened. I’m so sorry, there’s a video.”

Are you developing “Porte Rouge”?

I’m creating a new show that’s going to be a rock-dance festival. I want people to get excited about coming to the theater. I want you to feel that feeling when you leave a concert. Mick inspired me. After his concert, you’re awake for hours wanting to dance.

What are your weeks like?

This weekend, I went to London. I came back last night and then I got up and brought Dev to school this morning and then I’m here at work. Why don’t I just calm down? Kevin McKenzie [Ballet Theater’s artistic director] and I have always had a great working relationship. I’m like, “I’m sorry — I’ve taken three long weekends in a row.”

What does he say?

He’s like: “I understand, but — try not to. Be at work.” He understands that I struggle with the pull. He let me finish with “Apollo.” Sometimes in the corps, you’ve spent all of these years dancing, but you don’t get a very nice goodbye. I feel he’s really giving me one.

Sahred From Source link Arts

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postcards-from-absurdland · 7 years

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aesthetic themed ask list

Blame this lovely person: http://postcards-from-absurdland.tumblr.com/post/162331593464/ehehehehe-kto%C5%9B-si%C4%99-skar%C5%BCy%C5%82-na-to-%C5%BCe-nikt-go-nie

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

Right now. I am singing and humming all the time, always.

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

If a friend of mine feels deep down hurt by my reaction to a certain, suicide-attempt-involving situation from some years ago. Also something connected to my currently going relationshi probably ;)

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Well, NOT DYING OF SUICIDE is high on the list.

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

First real kiss :)

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

Less stress, more worshiping God.

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

No bucket lists for this girl.

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

My friend M. is a petite blonde girl with hazel eyes and the loveliest upturned nose. She is my age and studies herbology. She loves heather. She has two cats. She is a devout Catholic, sets an example of faith for me and I sincerely hope an believe her to be a saint. She wears beautiful clothes and has a great singing soprano voice. And plays the guitar and ukulele. Her family is a big and loving one. She has a fiance whom we all find weird, but he loves her so much we don’t really care. She seems to be a cinnamon roll but is actually full of sass and self-causciousness. (And also cries upon seeing beautiful animals.)

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

I had a very bumpy childhood and I was rarely happy, but when I was it was intense, like a lightning.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

Three weeks ago, actually. I cry a lot.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

An university friend W. because of both her enthusiasm and her inclination towards poetry.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

Total stranger? Nope. My conversations with strangers end up as showering them with trivia, and I want it to stay so.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

A week ago, with a highschool friend and former roommate.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

Since telling my parent that I love them would involve more than one person - I don’t know really.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

They’re cool. But I find all eye colours cool. Better eyes than no eyes, right?

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

---

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

The most attended to Catholic in the world - I live thanks to God and so do you!

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

Short scale billion USD equals 3,741,352,800 PLN so without even mentioning long scale billion I’d buy a new, fully furnished 3-bedroom apartment in Cracow for rent until I’d need one, a new laptop, a trip to New Zeland and back for me and my bf... and I have no idea what I’d do with the remaining 3,739,950,000 but I’d never want to actually have such a sum of money. It would literally burn my fingers. I’d probably give it all out to charities, maybe some to my family.

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

I am a forgiving person to those further from me, but not for those closest. I want to be more forgiving, as a general principle.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

Dear Catherine! You are a brave and open-minded person – good. Things are about to go temporarily downhill pretty soon. Be prepared, but not afraid. Stay thoughtful and merciful. Reach for people more - they are not as scary as they seem. Appreciate your self-consciousness, but do not let it drive you. Cry. Rebel. Run. Have more fun. You will not permanently damage anyone and you will not regret it. But please - stop making up stories for people to notice you. Do not be ashamed of who you are and what you feel. You are worthy of love. Stay safe.

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

Certainly not punk...

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

I have had physical problems with piercings so far (I suspect allegries), and generally am not visually pleased with them. I love the concept of tatooing your body though, it’s so primaeval. I want to have tatoos someday, but I wait until somethng really meaningful will need visual perpetuation. Also, my Church’s thoughts on tatoos seem quite ambiguous, so the whole idea will require a lot of consideration.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

Nope - I have no skin problems, eye dryness issues, no money for good cosmetics, no patience for maintaining a routine and therefore no time to learn how to do it properly. And I have recently smashed a full bottle of foundation on the floor. Just lipstick for me, thanks.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

Scarborough Fair (sung by Martin Carthy) has lead me, among other things, to: buying new clothing items, changing hairstyle, starting Irish dances, Led Zeppelin music, best HP and Tolkien fanfics ever, staying at the music school, meeting three most important people in my life to this day, and countless mountain hiking expeditions. I even buy perfume based on it (let me be bathed in thyme oil!). And I don’t even like it that much anymore.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

*insert a Bible quote about the unconditional love of God here*

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

I have been to countless classical and folk music concerts, but as for any other sort, this summer I attended a concert of Pidżama Porno, a Polish rock band I adore. I remember that it was a relief to finally not feel overhelmed with loneliness I have had been feeling for weeks on end. Also, they performed almost all of my fave songs!

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

I’m waiting for a letter from a befriended English literature professor, and as much as I wish it to contain only good news, the most important factor is for it to be long - I simply adore his writing style!

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

I have a small desk and it’s mostly organised (pile of books in one corner, pile of Weird Shit in another, papers underneath, medications in the drawer).

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

At any time between 11 pm and 2 am - taking a shower, using a mosturizing cream, praying, setting an alarm clock, opening the window (from April to September), putting on some music/YouTube videos and drifting away :)

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

That time when I made up a story involving someone’s tragic death - I consider it the worst, most harming thing I have ever done, one of two major life regrets.

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

A bit darker than they are in summer, more brown than blonde - my tan and my (sun-lightened in colour) hair weirdly match so I feel I look awfully fawn all summer long.

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

I’d take M. from the “important person description”, her boyfriend, sister, brother and father on a sightseeing trip around Rome (we’d visit all the churches, probably, and have the most delicious food)

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

I wish to finally meet my future husband, because how long am I supposed to wait, damnit!

I wish to get a PhD because academia is insanely fun.

I wish to be able to go to the Bieszczady mountains alone this year because I need to sort out some emotional issues, and also I miss the sight of sky there.

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

When I was 9 I dressed up as air. It wasn’t the best costume technicality-wise, but I am still amazed at my creativity as a child.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

Never ever been drunk or high seriously enaugh to do something I’d consider utterly bad, or even mildly stupid. I only laugh too loud.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

Dapends on how badly I’d need the money. But “killing a man” is always on the “never” list.

storms: you only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

Song. This one. No issues, it’s great. And as much as I love music, I’d go insane seeing only one person probably after a month.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

It’s a moment of great excitement, but also great anxiety, as you are momentarily aware of the endlessness of your vulnerability.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

My hair is my precious, I would never want to bid them farewell.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

Venti soy latte? Or venti soy matcha frappuccino? It’s not complicated, anyone could order this, I’d even go with normal milk if they forgot to ask for soy... What’s up with this question anyway???

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

Doing good at work and the university. Staying sane and healthy. Maintaining the faintest traces of social life. Getting better and better at love and mercy every single day.

fin.

#ask #anon ask #finally sat down to these #they have been waiting all summer for me

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ethicallysourcedhumanmeat · 7 years

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Practically Impractical

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Part 12

Max had invited Jumin to the bunker for supper, and later, long after Max had gone to sleep Callie had invited Jumin to their bed. He’d been surprised when Jumin leapt at the offer, but he considered that surprise had always been the theme of their relationship.

He’d been surprised by the different way Jumin approached him now that this had become familiar, and surprised at the way he responded; surprised at the way they fit together now, no longer awkward and learning. They spoke for the sake of it, no longer needing the instruction but reveling in the tone of one another.

He was still surprised now. The three of them lay naked in his bed in the darkest hours of the morning. He listens to their breathing over the soft music Jumin had put on for them, he relaxes into the feeling of Callies chest rising and falling against him as her breath steadies. He can feel the bed shift as Jumin reaches for his phone and he thinks he’ll turn off the music, leave them now to sleep in his own bed the way he always does.

The song changes and he recognises it, he’s heard something like it before, childish and sweet.

“Tchaikovsky,” she whispers, and he feels her smile into his chest, her fingers tapping purposely with the piano along his side. He thinks about arguing, no he’s heard this somewhere, not classical, maybe a cartoon, the words almost come to him.

The bed shifts again and he can feel Jumin curl around them, his head resting in the curve of her back.

“Who were you before?” Jumin says dreamily.

It seems rhetorical to Saeyoung, a passing thought he probably didn’t mean to say out loud but the soft play of Callie’s fingers on his ribs stops abruptly.

He considers the implications, aware that something had happened with Max’s father while he’d been away that neither of them would go into detail about.

There was so much about Callie he didn’t really know, things he didn’t ask for fear of prying, there were tips of icebergs in her personality that he glimpsed, things that Jumin knew that he simply never had the chance to see.

She played piano, he knew, yet he’d never seen it. Jumin will mention in passing how lovely she played at his father’s or had she considered this bigwig or that’s proposal to play at something he’d never be invited to. She always seemed to stiffen, never to commit.

He likes her with a guitar, or the easy way she plays her Ukulele. He likes playing her sound tech for C&R luncheons. But as they lay here he wonders how she would look sat behind a piano playing something like this. Jumin was oblivious on occasion but certainly he wouldn’t encourage her to play for these people if she seemed as uncomfortable while playing as she did when he talked about her playing.

His thoughts mirrored Jumin’s question as they lay in silence.

“Before what?’ She asks, and the catch in her throat doesn’t escape him.

Everything is so quiet that Saeyoung thinks Jumin has fallen asleep, perhaps the question had been the final thought before his decent to dreams. But then he feels Jumin’s hand slip between them to rest on her stomach, against his hip.

“You must have had so much potential as a performer,” he says softly. “You could still be something, yet you restrict yourself.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” she says softly, the same catch in her throat.

“I wonder who you were before him,” Jumin says, all softness gone from his voice and Saeyoung can feel the way his fingers seem to tighten on her at the thought of her ex-husband.

She presses her face farther into Saeyoung’s chest and he wonders if she thinks she can melt inside him to escape this conversation. He should stop Jumin, he thinks, but it’s so rare that she talks about herself, about what happened.

“I am an overflowing vessel of potential,” she whispers. “I lack focus,” she says sharper. “I was wasting my time.” He can feel the tears spill over her eyes.

They lay there for a moment before she pushes herself up and out from between them. He sits up, but Jumin simply lays back his hands behind his head watching her dress, she turns on the lamp and looks at them then, tears falling slowly though nothing in her expression would lend itself to crying.

He thinks she might leave, she hovers at the door, and her eyes narrow on Jumin before she turns and sits on the edge of the bed, her back to them.

“It was a hobby,” she says. “Music, I was good at it, I’m moderately good at a lot of things. My parents indulged me, especially after Celia went back to the states, Wyatt was good in school, academic clubs weren’t costly so I got acting classes on Monday, piano on Wednesday. Piano lead to dance on Thursday, and dance lead me to violin on Tuesday; acting lead to singing on Saturdays, and singing lead to guitar on Friday. I did local theater. Nothing like Zen, as much as I loved it I never had his drive, his focus. All of my instructors said the same thing, potential, I just had to choose something.”

“Would you like private instruction,” Jumin asks.

She frowns at him over her shoulder.

“I won’t patronize you, you seem aware of your short comings, however you do play beautifully, if a little stiff, when the sheet music is provided, I’ve noticed you at the end of an indulgent evening play things you know by heart so passionately I can’t imagine that you wouldn’t want to forever.”

Saeyoung watches her drop her head into her hands.

“Why didn’t you choose?” He finds himself asking.

She lays back, arms thrown over head, resigned to relive whatever it is Jumin is hunting for.

“I just couldn’t, I loved it all, and I loved being able to say I could do it, if I choose Piano or dance or theater and abandoned everything else who would I be? I guess it was pride. And one by one the instructors who lauded my potential gave up on me, I didn’t have enough time, I was stretched too thin to fit into their practice schedules, I wasn’t interested in competition, I just wanted to perform.

I wanted to do what I wanted to do, but,” She sighs. “None of it pays the bills, and Mom had basically turned Celia’s old room into my music room. Wyatt had a wall of academic awards in the living room and I had a room full of instruments with participation ribbons. A wall of worn dance shoes and playbills that mostly listed me in the chorus line.”

He pulls her into his lap, wrapping his arms around her and she lets her head fall back against him. Jumin props himself up on his elbow and watches them.

“You still enjoyed performing though.”

“Of course, but then Mom and Dad got posted home and I wanted to stay, to go to school here with my friends, so I took something I thought would be a practical application of my interests. Resigned myself to playing as a hobbyist, I was my own biggest fan after all. Being behind the scenes felt like the smart choice. I had a tiny studio apartment and instruments whose cases doubled as furniture.”

“What changed,” Saeyoung asks cautiously.

“I met T. I was still in school and he had known Celia, I guess stateside. He was with her friends one night at the restaurant I worked at; I let them stay after we closed up. One of my sister’s friends recognized me and goaded me into playing something on the dinky piano they kept as decoration. I think she thought she was showing off for T, but he’d been joking with me all night about video games so I showed off, I played a theme from a game he’d mentioned.

We started hanging out, then he started staying over a lot, and then it seemed silly for him to pay for the shacks when he was never there. I sold my violin, he said I never played it. Then we moved into a bigger apartment and I came home from school to find he’d thrown out the box of dance shoes and playbills. He apologized, he’d thought they were just garbage, he was just trying to do something nice.”

Saeyoung can see the way Jumin’s jaw sets, mirroring the way his own hands clench.

“That happened a few more times, this or that is just taking up space, I never play anymore, until there I was selling something I loved because it seemed like the responsible thing to do. Then when I was pregnant with Max, and I came home from work and my piano was gone. The piano I’d bought myself when I was 15, the piano I’d saved for 2 years to buy. The used piano my Dad had helped me restore. It had been a dining table, a computer desk, and so many things, much more than an instrument I didn’t have time to play anymore. And he was smiling when he handed me 100$.”

Jumin is sitting up, he’s next to them pulling her into his arms and Saeyoung lets her fall forward against him. But it isn’t long before she rights herself and moves slightly out of their reach. Hands folded in her lap, posture rigid, she looks down.

“He was so proud of his 100$, I never played, it just took up space, but 100$ for my Dad’s handmade bench, built for me, because I was the only person who would play this piano. 100$ for the stain I’d agonised for months over, for all the times I’d had it tuned, for the nights I’d spent with friends half drunk pumping out off tempo ragtime. 100$ and look how big this room is for my dreams.”

“Do you kno—”

“Even if I knew who he’d sold it to, it was an old piano, it was only priceless to me, and that was 9 years ago. It’s gone. He got the bench back,” she shrugs. “He thought that was the problem. And for 6 years the bench sat in Max’s room, filled with sheet music I would play again when we had space for a piano. 6 years until I left and he threw it in a dumpster, because if I wanted it I wouldn’t have left it, the leg was falling off, and it was just full of old paper junk.”

He can see that Jumin wants to reach for her as badly as he does. To hold her, comfort her. Confirm that everything she said was as bad as she thought. She can see it too and she holds up her hands in a stop motion.

“I don’t know who I was before him,” she sighs shaking her head. “I could give you a list of people who would probably say Amy Miller was arrogant and self destructive. But I was no one when I was with him, just T’s wife Amy who was never really enough.”

“It would have been nice to know you back then I think,” Jumin says.

She laughs. “I wouldn’t have liked you. Jihyun however was exactly Amy Miller’s type.”

Saeyoung snorts.

“No, I like who I am now,” she smiles and takes their hands,” Callie Miller or Callie Cannibal, they’re both a version of her, she just needs a little more time.”

#practically impractical #Callie Miller #mystic messenger

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