#why can’t anyone be true

[thegunslingerfollowed]

The problem is I have chronic guilt about something that I can’t control but everyone on tumblr would tell me I’m a bad person for. Unfortunately, this is the only place I can vent so this particular issue will just destroy me from the inside

#actually ocd #guilt #chronic guilt #morality ocd #moral ocd #I do have POCD but this is (surprisingly) not about POCD #people on tumblr will tell you you’re a terrible person for POCD tho #I just wish there was someone who I could guarantee not judging me #not a therapist because they’re just judging me in their head #I don’t have close friends irl or on the internet #I can’t talk to anyone except my parents who are great but very unhelpful on this issue #d originals #ocd #I recognize it is part of the ocd but also part of it is like… objectively true you know #I want to die it’s tearing me apart #why can’t I just get rid of it? #I should be happy rn and I’m not #I’m only happy when I briefly forget this fact about my life #why is my brain like this? why is something that most people would consider a blessing a curse to me #why am I so ungrateful #just want to die but I know I’ll never actually attempt #I’ll just feel like this forever

[kim-dokja-hate-blog]

as time goes on, i understand more and more abt that time kim dokja randomly told all his friends that he wanted to live in a big house with them once the apocalypse was over. i think that was the first time he actually included himself in the dreams of their future, too convinced he’d die before getting there. he. yeah.

#this is why i can’t actually hate him yknow #bc although it’d be easier to read the novel if i did and i believe he put so many ppl through unimaginable pain he’s just. so human. #there’s something in him that longs for a world where he can just be with the people he loves #but he longs more for the people he loves to be happy #and he thinks he can’t be a part of that picture no matter what anyone says #and. idk. #i believed something like that for a while #that i wasn’t unloveable but a pain to love #that i wasn’t hated but i wasn’t liked #that i did good but only through the pain of myself #and in some sort of horrible way i can see parts of myself i don’t ever want to see in kim dokja #and. i want a house to live in with all my friends #and i want to be part of their future #i can’t even imagine myself there most of the time but by god do i want it #but. the parts of me that have to change in order to achieve that feel unchangeable #even when i know they aren’t true #orv #omniscient reader #kdj #kim dokja #orv novel #orv spoilers

[itspileofgoodthings]

.

#sometimes I KNOW the number of people I have wounded by unfollowing and I hate that tumblr makes it so easy to tell now #but I simply have an unhappy and prickly brain #and I have gone from feeling soooo bad about unfollowing anyone to just recognizing that I just had to be practical about how I needed #my dash to be #but like. It’s never because I hate you. Sometimes it’s because you’re TOO interesting or you blog too much like me #Or it’s just more discourse than I can take in at any one sitting #and I’ll still stop by your page to stop in when I see you in my notes #but also. it just kind of kills me because I know that it causes hurt sometimes no matter what I say! #and like. making a post like this might make it WORSE #anyway idk why but I was reminded of this yesterday when this former student asked me wistfully if I remembered her #and I was like of course! and she was like but you have so many students … #and it’s true. impossible to make them all FEEL equally seen even though i try #I am NOT comparing you to students just saying tumblr is like teaching in that it brings you into contact with many people #and the sheer number means you can’t stay close with them all #Anyway see what I mean by the chattering

[quietwingsinthesky]

also im not sure how much longer i can dance around the fact that ‘reusing waste in whatever way you can when you’re onboard a starship with limited food but enough people that they’ve worked out a system of killing them once they’ve ceased to contribute enough to the ship’ translates to. well. well.

#‘even has committed cannibalism’ this is not true all of their food is so broken down from the base parts in order to extract the most #nutrients possible while using the least amount of it and mixing everything together until it’s unrecognizable that saying even has eaten #human meat is a little like looking at someone eating a brownie and accusing them of consuming raw flour. #‘even doesn’t see anything wrong with cannibalism’ this we cannot deny. it just also never really comes up because WHY WOULD THAT COME UP. #dw oc #and also ‘even was in charge of keeping the cannibalism going’ this we also can’t deny. but they were just doing their job. #this is not a horror scenario to them. this is resource management. even bad food is food and humans are bad food. but still food. #this is a horror scenario for anyone else! who was raised in a normal environment that did not involve treating people as resources to break #down for their usefulness! but not for them. #this is just. life. for them.

[vakarians-babe]

paranoia? you mean parannoying.

#there’s a lot id like to say but can’t figure out how to and also I would rather not start anything #it fucks me up massively to be afraid of a person spreading falsities about why I may have blocked them #bc idk call me crazy but that feels like punishing me for setting a boundary that I struggled to set for months #anyway if anyone sees this who has been told o blocked someone for having headcanons about a character being ace #that’s not true and I blocked that person for my own comfort relating to other incidents and repeated attempts to set a boundary #and I feel really trapped knowing that this person said this about me only after I had left a server we shared #anyway I know I am imperfect and there are things plenty of folks will disagree with me on #but I struggle to understand how that equates to me being a villain for deciding that I don’t want people in my space or I feel some way #this is contextless rambling I’m sorry

[softpastelqueer]

I guess this is the adhd and autism speaking, but I never felt it was ever important to correct people’s assumptions or accusations they had towards me, partially for the obvious reasons of you can’t control what other people think of you but also because I just assume people will drop it (partially because I feel these assumptions are obviously incorrect and therefore I find it strange for others to allow it to take up brain space) or forget about it because I 100% do not think about others in any meaningful way and I struggle comprehending that other people constantly think about others even when they’re not in front of them

So I’m always distressed and shocked when people continue to believe whatever nonsense despite limited to zero direct interaction with me since the last time, because I’m like ???? Why would I be on your mind???

My mind is just mansard roofs and graveyards

#that said I will avoid anyone who does assumptions or accusations more than once because it makes me uncomfortable #like for instance I’m on very low contact with someone irl who kept accusing I was their random anons and I just started avoiding them #because I’ll be blunt the first time around but then kinda just avoid it if it’s more than once #I don’t like feeling constantly bombarded with random accusations or assumptions so I do tend to find it very annoying and so I avoid #however I do have very strong emotional permeance issues so I can’t fathom thinking of others like that #my brain just doesn’t work like that #I also don’t understand why I have to PROVE an assumption or accusation is wrong when others don’t have to prove it’s true? #so tbh that’s so incompatible with the way my brain operates

[jammmbi]

god i need therapy and to move out

#aka i need to move out #idk how much longer i can take listening to my parents just say shit and have opinions and then expect me to feel the same way #and when i disagree suddenly i’m siding with the wrong people #when quite literally i’m trying to make you understand that your thoughts are not the only thoughts to be considered #while also trying to validate their feelings but that they’re not communicating at all and are taking it out on ppl #i am so so so tired of being the constant middleman between my family members and ultimately having to hear everyone say shit abt everyone #and expect me to immediately agree or understand #like girlies you can all be wrong and you all are and the fact that you aren’t willing to admit your wrongdoings is your first problem #your second was expecting me to hype you up and encourage your behavior #having to constantly remind myself that it’s not my responsibility to keep the peace or to solve my familial issues #and the one time i tried to explain this it was met with ‘no one’s asking you to’ #which is true !!! but then why are ALL OF YOU complaining to me and only me #why are you burdening me with all of this information #and if i tell you i can’t handle it or don’t want to talk about it i’m suddenly the bad guy too #i can’t win here your honor !!! the only solution in which i win is to get OUT #and of course i can’t make anyone say or do or believe anything #i’m not naive enough to think i can #but sitting there silent isn’t helping and speaking doesn’t either and there’s no other good solution #it’s just exhausting

[ladyofthenoodle]

there’s something that really rubs me the wrong way with sentimonster gorilla theories and au now. the idea used to not bother me so much but after the huge backlash over the idea that adrien could be one, people positing that the gorilla is the real sentimonster seems extra fucked up??? like “oh no my fav can’t be a sentimonster because then he’s not human, let’s make the mute character a sentimonster instead, that’s fine” like i’m sorry but that’s a little bit fucked up???

#yes the gorilla is a side character at best and adrien is a lead #BUT i’m still side eyeing anyone whose kneejerk response to the idea that their fav might not be human #is to immediate suggest the mute character isn’t human instead #‘but it makes sense for gabriel to create someone who can’t talk back—‘ yeah yeah that’s all true #that doesn’t mean your reactions to sentiadrien vs sentigorilla are above questioning #not sure why i picked this hill to die on tonight #definitely not trying to start any sentiadrien debating here. this is strictly sentigorilla discourse. #noodling

[feelslikegold]

why would he block a solo UA that actually focuses on his career instead of focusing 90% on someone else/tying his shit to someone else??????? 😭😭😭 also yeah…they have a MASSIVE platform?? can’t spread shit louis wouldn’t want spread without consequences 😚🤭

#quite literally die mad about it this is HILARIOUS #this is months and months after my UA getting disgusting messages every single day for being a ‘rad UA’ whatever the fuck that means #and they’re already spinning this to shit on louis and act like it’s another denial which is ‘an attack on them’ #now is the best time for it to click that every single one of louis’ moves has NOTHING to do with you and your other fave 😭 #like nothing!! #if hld’s explanation is real with them spreading the afhf rumors and stuff and with how big of a platform they have #that makes sense as to why he’d finally block them #though it does kind of shut down other rumors 🤭 #anyways i’m already seeing so much hate towards louis and truly I have to laugh it off 😭😭😭 #man is out there living his best fucking life on tour and as happy as can be and some people can’t stand that 😭 #anyways. can’t wait for his brazil shows ❤️ #anyone typing essays on how fucked up this was of louis…….. 😭😭😭😭😭 keep showing your true colors <3 #🧚🏻‍♀️

[salsflore]

#its always the fucking chemistry projects that ruin my life #not ready to go back to school ... getting home late & eating the same food everyday & having less free time & hanging out with the same few #people i honestly! don’t even like that much.. zzz i don’t wanna receive my test results either – esp not for math #and i KNOW it gets 100x worse in a college/uni/work environment i think i’m just being a bit of a crybaby but i can’t bring myself to #look forward to anything at all. pass my exams & graduate yay ^__^ -> immediately go back and study some more #then i’ll have to get a job and afhjdkf... maybe i’m thinking too far ahead but it all feels inevitable anyways so does it matter if i am? #i don’t know why i’m struggling so much compared to my peers who don’t see any of this as an issue at all #was i cursed to be sad since primary school #i can’t even talk to anyone about it because my dad [ though he has good intentions ] almost always ends up feeding me a variant of #think about your future Or thats just how student life is. meanwhile my mom will begin a competition of Who Has It Worse?! #my sister has her own stuff going on and my religious aunt will say something along the lines of [ have faith & go with the flow ] #i wish i had someone to confide in but i only ever really have myself i think. it sucks cuz no one seems to get it at all #i know objectively thats probably not true but. ahh i feel so disconnected from everyone #cw negative #cw vent #i didnt intend for this to become a whole thing but i got carried away #💭

[pepprs]

just had a public breakdown LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO

#i did not realize how badly this activity traumatized me in 2018. turns out it wasn’t the fact that i was about to study abroad that made me #have a very similar breakdown at the same point in 2020.. its the activity itself! it’s having to do that to participants! haha!!!!!!!!! #purrs #currently pacing in my bathroom bawling my eyes out LOLLLLL WHY DID I TAKE ON THE SESSION WHEN I KNEW I COILD NOT… i started crying #IMMEDIATELY and everyone was staring. good god. EMBARRASSING. more embarrassing than ppl asking me constantly abt why im eating different #food. lol. like i really just could not handle it and i can’t even tell anyone but the other coaches that and even that is too fucking #embarrassing like it’s only my work besties who can know the truth. i am having a breakdown over pangs of grief and anger and hurt over A #FACIAL EXPRESSION??????? SAURRRRR TRUE BESTIE 😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻 #trying not to tell myself im a failure for that but…… not me letting everyone in the whole session down omfgggg 💀💀💀💀💀 #retreat tag

[wewontbesleeping]

no cause the fact that this is my longest breakup ever is just. UGHHHHHH. I want to be done I want to be GONE I want to be OVER IT already

#we’ve fought so many times #and I’ve almost left so many times #and I’ve been in this exact spot so many times #but I don’t know what to do #I don’t I don’t I don’t #I can’t go anywhere else #and I don’t have a way to get to work #like we moved to this fucking neighborhood because he NEEDS to be next to his bar #because the bar is his one true love #this is just a regular dive bar btw. like he just has to go to this stupid dive bar every day #he left my brothers bachelor party to go to this bar instead #and he was like oh well I asked them if they wanted to go too so it doesn’t really count as leaving #I’m sorry that I’m spiraling OnLine #but I’m like. I don’t know what to do rn sooo #I can’t face calling apartment buildings rn #and I CERTAINLY can’t reach out to anyone rn #like I can’t face it I just can’t #I can’t tell anyone #it’s so humiliating #everyone is going to ask why and I don’t know what I’m going to say #WHAT HAPPENED? #ummm well! #he doesn’t love me so. #like how do you tell people that #I wish he fucking cheated #that would be less humiliating #although I kind of do think he has #but it doesn’t matter anymore.

[starbuck]

every time i listen to a mountain goats album i hadn’t heard before, i’m like “this is nice, but it could never become a no-skips album for me… i’ll just listen to my favorite songs from it” and then a week later i’m in fucking tears listening to a song on repeat that i didn’t get at all the first twenty times i heard it…

#THIS IS WHY I DON’T KNOW HOW TO RECOMMEND THESE SONGS!!!!!!! #like. ‘yeah no i didn’t get it at first either… just give it a few weeks’?????????? #but it’s true tho!!!!!!!! #sometimes you have to wait for the right moment for them to Hit #but then finally one day they do and it’s like ‘OH.’ #but i can’t force anyone else to experience that so i’m just stuck here alone listening to these random songs and going insane #HELP.

[afieldinengland]

CHARLEY SAYS (1973)

charley says next time we go fishing, we should stay very close to dad, where he could look after us. and he hopes if you go near the water, you'll stay close to a grown-up, too.

#since it was such a touchstone for wise owl….. hearing the guy who animated the ep talk about it on the podcast was interesting #it’s true that charley’s head is an animated marvel its so…. spasmic. why does it move like that #one thing that fascinates me about pifs in particular is that the ‘never go with strangers’ ones never elaborate on the Why. obviously they #can’t get…. too real or it’d be unethical but. all the others usually portray a reason to be careful (electrical safety / fire safety / #kitchen safety)…. you can’t help but see how it could create even more fear in the mind of a kid when that particular threat is unexplained #you know. don’t trust any strangers stick with your parents don’t talk to Anyone. but we won’t tell you why. scarier somehow #and wise owl played that to the extreme very very well and very twisted. horrifying. fantastic #to be honest we got a stranger flavour of that in my generation with all the internet safety talk of Never Post A Photo Ever. it’s a circle #charley says #my edit

[sickgraymeat]

sorry for all the weird personal and/or rambly text posts! and also for posting like 12000000 in two minutes and then not at at all for 12000 years and so on. this is another dumb one so by way of apology i offer this doodle of a mysterious and handsome stranger (shh they’re in disguise)

#if you don’t read the tags you can still like for the mysterious and handsome stranger it won’t be weird! #but here’s another one lol #is it a thing to have a really slow emotional reaction time #like ppl think I’m passive aggressive or just not honest which is sometimes true #but sometimes it’s like I don’t feel upset until later #and then it’s like ‘why are you bringing that up now when you didn’t seem upset earlier’ #so I usually just don’t bring it up at all #sometimes it’s definitely like a consequence of prioritizing everyone’s else’s feelings #and/or sometimes probably just compartmentalizing bc I can’t feel yet #but also I think sometimes it really just doesn’t hit for no other reason #blah idk #it feels like one of my biggest barriers to communication? #one of lol #I have been this way as long as I can remember but that doesn’t rule out it being a trauma thing :( #ok I’m screenshotting these tags to ask my therapist but like if anyone knows what I’m talking abt #it would be cool to know I’m not the only one? #via like or anything whatever #sorry guys I know I am just so much and if you follow me and your dash likes to show you my posts #it’s probably so annoying and I’m really sorry!! #jus talkin #if you unfollow/block me that’s totally cool #but I do hope to be somewhat more functioning and make more content that is less shit at some point haha #mine

[dashiellqvverty]

calling myself a former rpf fan is so misleading bc “fiction” had nothing to do with it. even when i did read fic i was never even all that into it and i didn’t really get much out of it it was ALL about reading those primers and manifestos and analyzing lyrics and watching videos/interviews/etc

#and i can say yeah i don’t read rpf anymore. which is true. #but that doesn’t mean i don’t still wholeheartedly believe that a lot of this stuff Happened <3 #for the record i was really into phan and ryden and then larry #and to a lesser extent petekey i liked reading all the lore but i didn’t Post as often abt them or engage w as much content i guess #i was never as deep into mcr at the time idk why it did take me longer to get into them overall #anyway while i am largely not comfortable reading rpf anymore it’s also partly to do with like #i think as a category of fic it’s very limited and i just never enjoyed it #bc it can never be ‘in character’ bc they. aren’t characters. #and we don’t know them so there is no right or wrong way to write anyone so it’s all about who we imagine them to be #and it becomes very much like projecting fan images into their personal lives #fanfic engages with the original text but what happens when there is no text to engage with. well it’s boring. #you can’t explore characters when the characters are real people with real lives #all this to say i have a fondness for throam BECAUSE it is so far removed and such an original universe #(and open about making all the side characters not based on who the band members they used were really like) #that i just enjoy it as a story. and i think it draws on real life details in interesting ways while ultimately creating original characters #it’s not like a literary masterpiece but i do enjoy it and think about revisiting it often. it’s been years i wonder if i’d #like it this much now. #anyway it is 4:30 in the morning and for some reason i can’t stop rambling about this #r.txt