#who repeatedly told me nothing about her love life & only said no every time i asked if she had a partner.

[thisisatesttai]

IchiRuki is not "delusional," and saying that it is means you have no media literacy

IHs seem to think that all it takes to interpret Ichigo, Rukia, and Orihime's feelings is to read the epilogue. To a literary critic, that is absurd. Characters explain how they feel over and over again across a piece of media. An ending may give us context that alters the earlier scenes, but this is always in very specific ways. With Bleach, nothing about the epilogue indicates that Ichigo and Rukia are not supposed to be read as at least potentially romantic.

For posterity's sake, I should point out that I've only seen the first few arcs of the anime, so most of what I say below is based on the manga. That said, the anime is part of the story as much as the manga is, so just because something happened in the manga and not the anime, or vice versa, doesn't make it "truer" to the text, just true to different texts.

Let's start with the fact that the story repeatedly suggests that Ichigo and Rukia have a romantic vibe to them. The rumors at school make this explicit, but just from the setup of two classmates who clearly have a secret that are constantly sneaking off, especially when you add in that they go home together and sleep in the same room. I know a lot of people want IchiRuki to be the Platonic Boy/Girl Friends (TM) but honey, they just ain't them. You're thinking of Naruto and Sakura. Claims that they have a sibling vibe are utterly baseless, especially in Bleach, where sibling relationships are a very explicit theme. Not every non-romantic couple that's nominally the same age (don't get me started on the "she's 150" arguments; go prosecute ACTUAL 150-year-olds dating 15-year-olds and leave me alone) is automatically a sibling vibe. The most I could say is that they do bicker a lot, but we all know that's just as comparable to a married couple. Saying Rukia is a mentor to Ichigo admittedly has a little more basis, especially when Bleach doesn't have a designated mentor figure. I still think Rukia's role in teaching Ichigo about the Soul Society is more of a guide archetype, though; think less Genkai, more Botan.

But setting aside the setup, the Soul Society Arc, or Rescue Rukia arc, is loaded with romantic themes and imagery. Don't get me wrong; nothing says that Kubo couldn't have introduced these as a fake-out to the audience, with the intention of subverting their expectations. I don't personally think there's anything that really suggests that, at least not so far as the romantic reading of the Soul Society arc itself being entirely off-base. The whole arc kicks off because Rukia is asked by Orihime and her friends if she "like-likes" Ichigo. She says she only likes him as a friend, but all of the narrative cues suggest that she's being dishonest, from the narration to the fact that she was so bothered by the question that she chooses now to go to the Soul Society and face her punishment. The suggestion at this point seems to be that Rukia having any type of affection for Ichigo, be it friendship or romantic, is inappropriate or even impossible for a shinigami. Ichigo's feelings are treated similarly, as he never gives a straight answer when he's asked why he wants to save Rukia, but several characters suggest that it's because he's in love with her. This doesn't mean he is, but the narrative does not deny that that is a possible reasoning. We're not even really told what his answer is; the scene where he thinks, "That's why I fought so hard to save you" seems to be suggesting that he wanted her to be able to decide whether she would live in the World of the Living or the Soul Society -- or else it's saying he didn't want the last time he saw her to be her telling him she would never forgive him, or it's saying that he wanted to see her smile again. Like I said, we're not given an explicit answer to this question.

The rest of the manga is basically about Ichigo adjusting to life without Rukia. I think it's fair to say that even if you read Soul Society romantically, from the Arrancar Invasion Arc on, Rukia is no longer written as Ichigo's love interest. This doesn't invalidate anything suggested in the previous arcs, though. If anything, I would argue that Ichigo's feelings become pretty explicit by the time we get to Hueco Mundo. The dramatic reveal of Rukia coming to visit, and the fact that she's the only person capable of breaking him out of his funk, both have a romantic reading to them. When the team arrives in Hueco Mundo, Ichigo is shown to be overly concerned with Rukia's safety, explicitly singling her out aside from Renji, Uryu, and Chad. (I guess that could just be misogyny, though.) Even Ichigo's obsession with getting a rematch with Grimmjow could be traced to him nearly one-shotting Rukia during their fight in Karakura. I'm not saying any of these are exclusive interpretations, just showing how it's regularly reinforced that Ichigo feels differently about Rukia than any of his other companions, even to the point of letting it cloud his judgment.

I don't think I need to say anything about Ichigo and Rukia's goodbye before the timeskip. The way the scene is drawn, and written, and framed by the narrative, is very reminiscent of romance scenes, to the point that if it was meant to be read as exclusively platonic, it comes off as a very bad satire. And jumping to the anime real quick, I know episode 342 is anime-only, but by no means do I think that invalidates everything it says about Ichigo and Rukia's feelings for each other. That episode oozes with ship-bait, to the point of turning the subtext of their relationship into text. And if you think this is something that the anime studio injected into the narrative -- well, first of all, then we'd also have to parse out everything that the Shonen Jump editors injected into the manga -- but Kubo himself has said that he thought the episode was a welcome addition. So, if your'e someone who thinks the author's vision is the final say on the manga, there you have it; Kubo basically canonized ep. 342.

With all that in mind, I think that, at the very least, Bleach's narrative suggests that Ichigo and Rukia are coulda-beens. Maybe Ichigo was more invested than Rukia was, maybe Rukia deemed it inappropriate due to them being from different worlds, but in the language of manga and storytelling in general, the idea that they might have feelings for each other isn't some fan's "delusion"; it is actually part of the text. Whether or not they actually felt something for each other is for them and them alone to know, but the story tells us that these are two people who met, came to care very deeply for each other, and then drifted apart without ever taking the plunge.

The question that this leaves us with is, where does that leave Orihime?

If there's one character whose feelings are never up for debate, it's Orihime. We know from practically her first scene that she has a crush on Ichigo. Now, at first that's never taken seriously. It's mostly just a setup for the running gag of her bonkers imagination. Over time, though, we get a little bit more insight into Orihime's feelings, and she starts to get taken more seriously as a character. There's a version of Bleach where, as Orihime steps up to be by Ichigo's side in the latter arcs, he moves on from his feelings for Rukia and the two develop as a couple. If that were the case, even if IchiHime doesn't appeal to me, personally, I would still accept it. It would actually be a refreshingly mature take on teenage romance. Unfortunately, that version is not in the text.

For that reading of Bleach to work, we would need to see their love for each other build to a place where both characters bring out the best in each other, at least comparably to Ichigo and Rukia. Unfortunately, Ichigo and Orihime don't seem to bring out the best in each other. Ichigo brings out all of Orihime's insecurities. During the lead-up to the Arrancar arc, Orihime starts to compare herself to Rukia. (There's literally a panel sequence that says, without a single word "find you someone who looks at you the way Ichigo looks at Rukia", to anyone who's still unconvinced that there's a romantic reading to those two.) And as the entirety of the Hueco Mundo hammers home, Orihime is personally ill-equipped to be Rukia. Both Rangiku and Rukia herself have speeches where they tell Orihime that she needs to stop trying to live up to what she thinks Ichigo wants and just be herself, but she sticks to the mantra that she wants to "fight by Ichigo's side" -- you know, like Rukia does. Urahara even tells her outright that she needs to stop trying to put herself on the battlefield. It's not particularly nice of him to squash her dreams like that, but it's not as though she doesn't get an out; Hachi is already there, trying to teach Orihime to be a healer, something she has a natural talent for.

Instead of reframing her wishes with the advice of her friends, Orihime makes the worst decision of her life and goes to Hueco Mundo with Ulquiorra. Now, obviously this is coerced by the Espada and not her actual response to the situation, but that doesn't mean they're not framed as consequential to each other, narratively. Orihime is told she has a flaw that she needs to change, but before she's able to do so, she must go through hardships so she can let go of the façade that she's using to cover up her flaw. Well, she goes through hardships alright. She's imprisoned, assaulted, and threatened with death. Orihime is confronted both with her weaknesses, and with her strengths, as she is eventually able to appeal to Ulquiorra's humanity through her willingness to see the goodness in people, even those who are actively abusing her. You would think this would lead to a change in Orihime that goes back and answers the underlying question, but it doesn't. By the end of the manga, she is still fantasizing about being a Battle Couple alongside Ichigo, and she's still not good at it. I don't know how many times I've had to say this, but Orihime and Ichigo losing their fight to Yhwach is not a triumphant moment. The fact that it's the result of Orihime achieving her series-long dream is more of an indictment against their relationship than anything else I could say.

To adopt the narrative that Ichigo got over Rukia to be with Orihime, we would also need to see him come to appreciate Orihime in her own right, something that he is...hopelessly uninterested in. No, we can't just take for granted that he's a dopey shonen hero and "that's just his character"; if he's supposed to be . We also absolutely cannot take for granted that this happens offscreen; that can be a headcanon that you, as the audience, choose to adopt, but it's not suggested by anything other than the assumption that the ending is supposed to be, and can only be, saccharinely happy. There's nothing to suggest that Ichigo changes the way he thinks about Orihime in the text, and we only ever see him thinking about her is when reacting to her in scenes, and just generally not wanting her to die. The closest we get to him expressing a romantic interest in Orihime is the scene where he asks her to "wait for him" -- at Rukia's wedding, no less. I shouldn't have to spell out how having this happen on the very day, at the very moment, that Rukia is considered "off-limits" to conventional societal standards undercuts the idea that Ichigo is not taking Orihime as a consolation prize. Which, don't get me wrong, SUCKS. But it is implicit in the framing, and can't be ignored.

And that's without getting into Rukia's relationship with Renji. I think in this case, we can very obviously see that Kubo tried to write a romance between them, but he did so in such a half-assed way that I find it very hard to take seriously. Yes, Ichigo throwing Rukia to Renji is obviously meant to tell us that Renji is her love interest from that point in the story, but that doesn't mean it works. First of all, we can't pretend Renji wasn't awful to Rukia for a majority of the Soul Society arc. Sure, this is him pre-character development, but it's a huge leap to go from "I'm conflicted over whether I should tell off my boss for killing you" to a canon couple. But even with Renji beating up Rukia and telling her he wished she was dead, you can still get to the point where they repair their relationship -- it just takes a lot of work that Bleach simply doesn't do. We need more than Renji promising to turn things around, we need to see him do things that make up for that. To be fair, though, Kubo spends very little time showing us what they're like when one of them isn't on death row. At most, they seem to train together a lot. Like, you want platonic boy/girl besties? THESE are platonic boy/girl besties. Actually, they're the ones with the sibling dynamic, given that they literally grew up calling each other family.

So where does that leave us? Some people seem to assume that despite Kubo fumbling the ball, the canon couples were meant to be, and that they somehow found happiness despite all the evidence to the contrary. Again, you can hold that headcanon for yourself if it makes you happy. However, if we're going strictly based off the text, the answer seems to be that Bleach doesn't have a happy ending. The characters whose endings are not related to getting married off all end up doing the one thing they didn't want to do -- Chad ends up using his fists for personal gain as a boxer, Uryu ends up alone, etc. -- and the ones who DO get what they want are the ones whose dreams are framed as being misguided, in Orihime's case, or unearned, in Renji's case. I'm not saying you have to ship IchiRuki, of course. I can't tell you how to read the series. At the end of the day, Bleach is to you what it is to you. But saying that reading IchiRuki as romantic is "delusional" is more than just false, it diminishes media literacy for all of us.

#bleach #rant #shipping #ichiruki #ichihime #ichigo kurosaki #rukia kuchiki #orihime inoue #renji abarai #we do knot always love you #i mean look at that title #that's supposed to be the big renruki book #why is it based around a double entendre that's basically #we always love you -- NOT!

[bettsfic]

i can't stay quiet about this anymore. for weeks now i've thought, noo i won't write about knights of the zodiac on my blog. nobody cares. BUT it is the weirdest fucking movie i've ever seen and i need to tell you about it.

knights of the zodiac is an american made live action adaptation of the anime/manga saint seiya. before this film, i'd never even heard of it, but that doesn't matter, because i watched an interview with mackenyu (who plays seiya) who said that the director told him not to bother watching the anime or reading the manga, because he wanted this movie to be its own thing. you know, which is always a great way to bring in your core audience.

with that said, i'm viewing this film entirely on its own merit, with no context of the source material. so saint seiya fans may not want to read this.

the movie came out this past may. i was excited about it for no other reason than mackenyu starring in an american action movie. i'm honestly a little surprised people weren't more jazzed about that. there aren't a lot of japanese actors starring in big budget american action movies.

other cast members include sean bean (who, spoiler alert, dies), famke janssen, and mark dacascos. in case you don't recognize those names, they are, respectively, boromir/ned stark, jean grey from x-men, and the iron chef. if nothing else, i think it's worth watching for the utterly bizarre casting.

the premise, sort of: mackenyu, who appears to be contractually obligated to play angsty younger brother characters (i think this is the 7th thing i've seen him in where he is an angsty younger brother), has an older sister who is missing. he's a poor orphan boy who gets by on winning cage fights. or something. so boromir finds him and tells him he's destined to be athena's bodyguard, and he gets on board with this alarmingly fast, but not after antagonizing athena (who is not yet athena) and throwing out some snarky one-liners. he trains in the middle of nowhere with a masked lady who repeatedly kicks his ass, and he never changes clothes the entire time. there's other stuff too but it's secondary to the absolute batshittery of this movie.

i saw it on premiere night, which was also the premiere night of the new guardians of the galaxy movie. again, A+ move by the promotional team. so there i was on a saturday at 7pm. prime movie going time. and my best friend and i were the only ones in the theater.

although i had no real expectations for this movie beyond Mackenyu Hits Things And Is Sad, i believed one of two things would happen: it would be as terrible as it sounded, or it would actually be phenomenal. but no, it was neither bad, nor good, but a secret third thing: it scratched a deep and rabid part of my id.

and by that i mean, it appeared to be a very high budget love letter to glaringly submissive men.

here's my letterboxd review that i wrote in the brief hypomanic episode succeeding my initial viewing:

okay so first and most importantly, this scene made me actually scream:

it's a joke line, sure, but 1) he definitely means it, and 2) he immediately calls her "princess," which if you've ever read my fic, you'll know that that's a one-hit KO for me.

(putting this under a cut because it's already long)

you see how athena is framed above seiya? that is one of approximately 1000 shots where this occurs. to every male character. at one point, mackenyu perches gingerly on the back of athena's motorcycle. in fact the only male character who attempts to be dominant aggressive and toxically masculine becomes the punching bag of the film.

in the beginning, seiya is in a cage match where people are getting angry at him for "dancing," which means he doesn't fight so much as avoids getting hit and looks pretty doing it. a solid third of the movie involves a very large lady beating the crap out of him. the premise of the film is getting him to devote his entire life to a goddess and obey protect her at all costs.

i'm probably the only one who watched this movie and was like, hmm is this kink coded? am i insane for seeing this? usually when i think of kink coding i think of quentin tarantino's foot fetish, these long gaudy shots of women's feet hanging out of car windows. it's in the imagery and shot composition and power dynamics.

here, the imagery is a lot of kneeling men, the shot compositions repeatedly place the men lower than the women, and the power dynamics are simply that the women have all the power, and the men have a little, as a treat. jean grey is a straight-up femdom, leather and all.

by the end of the climax, seiya is naked, having been stripped of his (magical and very powerful) armor as pre-athena becomes athena and uh, blasts his clothes off in the process. there's probably something to be said there about, you know, literally stripping him of his power.

i think what i find particularly remarkable about this is that the repeated feminization of the male lead is treated as a good thing. a self-actualizing thing. it's the process through which he accepts himself and his destiny. that's the reason i say it's a love letter--i've known a lot of submissive men and many of them really struggle to accept that part of themselves. i had a friend once who was so ashamed of himself--not just that he was submissive, but that submission was an integral part of his identity--that he had a breakdown in my car over it. so i think it's nice seeing a vaguely positive portrayal of finding oneself through (textually) devotion and (subtextually) submission.

god help me, seiya spends the entire film being irritating and bratty. this movie is my personal kryptonite.

don't get me wrong, it's a terrible movie. the writing is awful, the direction is awful, and if it gets a second film, i'll be shocked. it received a 1.9 (out of 5) on letterboxd and a 4.4 (out of 10) on imdb.

but i've also always been a lover of the star wars prequels (and oh boy there's a lot to be said there about submissive men) and so my patience for bad writing is infinite in the face of interesting things happening on a character level. in a world of disneyfied stock plots and bloated marvel franchises, i appreciate when a movie tries to do something different, even if it doesn't do it very well.

anyway, i can't in good conscience recommend it, but i for one plan to watch it at least a hundred more times.

#i would love to tag this so i can find it later but i really don't want it to show up in the official tag #so uhh #film meta

[shesjustanothergeek]

His Love

|Aegon II Targaryen x Fem!Reader|

Part Eight

Master List of Series

Summary: Being a bastard born in the slums of Flea Bottom was all you were known for. Not the streak of white you had in your dark hair, the violet ring around your pupils, or how your sharp tongue and skills with the blade resembled your father, Daemon Targaryen. You were just a bastard, nothing more, but to him, to Aegon Targaryen, you were everything. You were his love.

Author's Note: Thank you so much for your patience with this chapter. Life has been nonstop for me these past few weeks. Work, school, some more work, midterms, an abscessed tooth, work again, and now finals. I wanted to make this chapter extra special for y'all because of the wait. ^_^

Chapter Warnings: Dark Aegon, corporal punishment

Aegon Targaryen was a sinful man and was constantly reminded of it every moment he breathed. He recalled three in the days leading up to your legitimization.

Lust.

Gluttony.

Wrath.

The most prominent was lust, the one he was repeatedly told to repent by his mother, grandfather, brother, and Septons. He would seek out any woman, young or old, who would part themselves for a little bit of coin. His eyes would always linger on the pretty serving girls, those with exceptionally long legs, he once said to his brother. He pulled at their skirts and pinched their arse whenever one would mistakenly walk by, but they were not the objects of that lust anymore; that was you.

The way your borrowed dresses clung to your body, your exposed skin always covered in a light sheen of sweat from the summer heat, was always in his head. Thoughts of your time together constantly replayed in his mind's eye-- How your cunt would feel tightly wrapped around his cock as he stole your womanhood. Aegon could hardly function in those moments, his hand permanently in his trousers.

His gluttony, constantly overindulging himself in more wine, more women, more food, and more... you.

He began to steal the things you accumulated during your stay in the Red Keep, creating a hidden shrine of dirty small clothes, towels, pillowcases, nightgowns, body oils, hairpins, and anything else he could get his hands on. No one knew of these overindulgences—a secret between him and the all-seeing eyes of the Gods.

His wrath. Aegon was quick to anger over the slightest things and never learned to quell such a trait. People who knew him as a boy understood this well.

The soup served at supper was too hot? He would spit it in the face of the nearest servant and declare the head of the person who made it. His mother would always purse her lips when that happened, letting her disapproval be known before fixing what he had done, scolding him, and then the process was quick to repeat.

He had not acted on his wrath, a rage that simmered in every moment you were pulled from him. He was the one that found you, and nobody seemed to acknowledge it.

He had even listened to his conscience on the night you only slept together and left before your handmaidens returned for the morning. His heart was heavy as he pried your arms from his body when he did, kissing the smooth skin of your knuckles to stall for time.

It did not feel right to return to the Streets of Silk, let alone Flea Bottom now that everything Aegn desired was right in these Redstone walls.

You were his everything. He thought about you morning, noon, and night, always lurking in the shadows just out of sight. He was very skilled at becoming one with darkness. Over the years, he had learned a few tricks of slinking off into pleasure houses and evading his sworn protectors.

He found out through spying on a private meeting between you and your new Septa that you had little knowledge of the Seven, and when she tried to teach you, throwing a religious text in front of your face, you meekly turned away and said you couldn't read. She had groaned and admonished you for an upbringing you had no fault in. It was they who had laid the laws that texts only be written in the language spoken by high borns, schooling not even a possibility in the life of someone with little money.

This was his mother's doing, of course. She picked the worst, most intolerant teacher to slight Rhaenyra's family. You were thrust into a cold war between a family you had never met, and you were a victim by default.

When your Septa was not whipping you, you spent time with Daemon. He suffocated you with his presence, and Aegon was furious. It seemed as if your estranged father was attempting to make up for the loss of him in your early years, picking out different colored fabrics for the dresses you would wear in the Keep and for your legitimization.

Perhaps that was Rhaenyra's doing. The influx of ravens from Dragonstone could not go unnoticed by anyone with sense. You had not a moment to spare for the Princeling, and though he was comforted by the thought of you being in his home, it soon was not enough.

He came to your chambers every night. Mostly he would find a seat in the plush velvet armchair by the fire and bask in your presence, listening to the sounds of your deep breathing. It almost frightened him to touch you despite his immense longing for it, afraid that his sins would ruin the only pure thing in his life.

And that is where Aegon found himself tonight, a golden chalice in his grip filled with his favorite wine, staring into the flames of your hearth.

It was an unusually frigid summer night, three days before your legitimization in the eyes of the law and the Seven, and you had chosen to wear a thin, long sleeve nightgown. You could see the faint color of your nipples peeking through the sheer fabric when a biting breeze would drift through the air. You would be alone in your chambers, just as you were every night since the first, you thought bitterly.

You had been asleep for a few hours and woke as a sudden chill racked your bones, curling into a ball to preserve your warmth before deciding to stoke the fire. You didn't notice the figure in the armchair behind you, the shadows hiding it from your tired eyes.

This was it, Aegon had thought; you were finally alone with him. He could finally play with his little dragon and give her the affection he was sure she missed. Before he could stand, the wall opened to the same passageway he used to travel freely through the Red Keep. He knew that others did the same but did not think someone would be as bold to enter your room.

You nearly jumped out of your skin as you turned to see someone entering through a door in the walls. You opened your mouth the scream, but the intruder was faster, running toward you and covering your lips.

Aegon had still gone unnoticed by both parties, and he wanted to use that to his advantage. He would save his little dragon, but not before she would fear the end. That would be when he would swoop in and become your protector. If he saved your life, there would be no reason for you to be still upset with him for forcing you to become part of his family. Perhaps even you would feel indebted to him afterward. Aegon remained hidden in his seat, becoming one with the shadows.

You struggled as your assailant forced you away from the fireplace, fist gripping the back of your head to keep muffling your screams. They shushed you, whispering words you could not hear as you kicked and smacked them.

"Apple! Sweet girl, it's just me! Calm yourself," a familiar voice said. You paused, squinting in the darkness as you made the silhouette of Lyra. She removed her hand slowly, unsure whether you would yell and alert the castle to her presence.

"Oh my," you started, unable to form a coherent sentence. "Aunt Lyra! It's you! Oh, my Gods!" You sighed in relief, pulling her into a bone-crushing hug. "What are you doing here? Wh-why are you here? How are you here?" You rambled, pulling her close, releasing, and embracing her again.

"It," she paused, smiling and shaking her head, "it is a long story, apple, one we do not have time for at the moment." Lyra paced to the window, looking at the crescent moon. "I do not have long. The following rotation of guards will be at my exit shortly." She pushed your loose hair behind your cold ears, stroking the side with the white strand.

You looked so beautiful, reminding her of Elaina around this age. Your dark hair glimmered in the moonlight, and your eyes reflected the stars. She could not lose you too. Lyra would die before they would take you away from her as they did her sister.

"On the morrow, at high noon, when you have lunch with your father," she babbled, glancing out the glass pane window, "ask to see the gardens. Prince Daemon despises the place and will not want to go. Act as if you want him to accompany you. He will refuse and then ask if it would be alright if Sara could join you instead. Make him say yes." Lyra cupped your cheeks as your eyes filled with tears out of anxiety and confusion.

"Listen to Sara, follow her instructions, and meet us by the harbor. Do you recall the one where that City Watchman fell into?" You grinned slightly at the memory. You were younger but still slick, turning sharply away from the water's edge as the Gold Cloak chased you like a bull, falling into the ocean. "We will be together once more, and you shall never have to know the horrid life of these people."

You nodded, pursing your lips as Lyra kissed your scalp, your mind reeling with thoughts you could not decipher. She left abruptly without another word, glancing back with hope as she entered the wall.

Aegon was consumed with sin.

His wrath nearly caused him to expose himself as he listened to a woman he also recognized. He had no idea that the two of you were kin. Madam had done an excellent job of hiding you all these years. He had paid for Lyra's services a few times but never thought her to be more than just another cock sleeve for men.

This was fate despite what your Aunt told you and possibly what he now thought you believed. It was destiny that you had run into him on Aemond's name day. You were the blood of the dragon and belonged with your actual family, not with the small illness-ridden people who had raised you.

The eldest Prince was thoughtful and did not immediately divulge sin. He sat back further in the chair, breathing silently in thought. Aegon would first go to his mother; she would then, of course, tell her father, the true monarch of the kingdom, and he would foil your plans of escape.

His anger simmered from a near-boiling point, his rage becoming calculated as he continued to sip at his wine in the darkness, still unnoticed by you.

***

So far, everything had gone on, as usual, the next day. You broke your fast in your chambers, your servants readying you for the day, and now you were attending your gruesome lessons with Septa Mariam before lunch with Daemon.

When you had your first meal alone in the Red Keep, Izola and Caldia looked on with a slight disgust as you devoured it. You had never eaten so much more than during your stay here. It was odd knowing with certainty when your next meal would happen and that the contents would be plentiful and never-ending.

You realized you wouldn't have certainty like this when you left. No more elegant dresses that did not scratch your skin, no more baths filled with steaming water and fragrant oils, and no more catching glimpses of a familiar person out of the corner of your eye. Perhaps royal life would not be so wrong with these continued luxuries.

Septa Mariam slammed her staff on the table before you, tearing you from your thoughts with a start. You felt your chest become tight as you quickly composed yourself, picking at the dry skin on your lip.

"Who was the mother of Aegon the Conqueror?" She asked, her blue-green eyes wide with barely contained frustration.

"Valaena Velaryon," you answered through gritted teeth, your back stiff and tense. These lessons had been the majority of your time spent in the Red Keep, learning the history of the Seven Kingdoms, the notable persons in the Targaryen dynasty, and what knowledge was passed down from Old Valeryia.

"His father?" She quizzed again, her parted lips showing an eagerness for a mistake.

"Aerion Targaryen," you answered correctly once more, focusing your eyes on the flickering candles.

"His sisters?" Your Septa circled you like a predator, waiting for the wrong answer as she tapped her staff in her palm.

"Visenya Targaryen and Rhaenys Targaryen." You placed your fists in your lap, clenching them. You were growing tired of this routine inferiority but knew if you were to retaliate for the treatment, it would only make things worse.

"Who was the eldest out of the three?" She questioned, stopping in front of you with her small staff. You sat there blank, unsure of who it was but unwilling to risk saying the wrong answer and feeling her wrath.

"Who?" She said again, hitting her stick on the table with a loud crack. You refused to answer, grimacing as the Septa ordered you to put your hands flat on the desk before you.

"Who?" She repeated over and over, smacking the staff in rapid succession too close to your fingers. You flinched with every rough vibration, trying to ignore your instincts and keep your palms flat as she commanded.

"I don't know," you finally answered, wanting the threat of violence to stop.

"Why do you not know 'twas in yesterdays lesson," she said through her teeth, almost as if it was a question.

"I cannot remember," you confirmed with a shakey voice. Septa Mariam smacked her stick one final time, hitting your fingers as you spat a curse in her face.

She stared at you, silent for a moment before her anger finally came to the surface as she hit you with her staff. The top of your head, side, shoulder, and arms as you shielded yourself. You could not comprehend what you had done to make her despise you as she did, trying to move out of your seat before she shoved you back.

"You will not speak such filth in the eyes of the Seven," she seethed, switching her staff to her other hand so she could slap you.

You had been the ever-obedient student, the pliant bastard that everyone begrudgingly accepted on the King's orders but yet still received treatment as if you were not the daughter of a Prince. You have had enough of it.

You growled, screaming with all the rage and hurt accumulated over the past fortnight, and jumped out of your seat, ripping her staff from her pale boney fingers. The wooden chair fell to the ground with a loud thud, echoing against the large stone room as you tackled the old woman, punching, smacking, and hitting her as she did to you.

The fact that you were a bastard did not negate the social class a Septa was in. You were not lesser than her. She was not superior to you and yet treated you as if you were grime on the soles of her shoes. She was beneath you in every sense of the word. Devotion to the Seven did not make one better than another, and you bruised that into her skin so she would never forget.

The moment did not last long enough as you were pulled away from her. The guards no doubt altered from the chair falling moments prior. You kicked and screamed as more rushed in to ensure Septa Mariam was alright, the one who had managed to keep hold of you, dragging you out of the room with great struggle.

The grand oak door shut boomingly, the handle rattling against the wood as you were taken down a hall. "My lady! My lady, please, calm down," the gentle voice of the knight said.

You hadn't realized you began crying until he brushed back the wild strands of hair that stuck to your tears, trying to get your attention as he grabbed the sides of your head. You could not speak, choking on your saliva as you lurched forward, embracing the man tightly as your knees weakened. The cool metal bit against your hot cheek as he slowly returned the hug.

Your mind could not think of what to say, everything a messy pool of thoughts and feelings you couldn't decipher. You had been everything that was expected of you, followed the strict rules of the royal court, was seen and not heard as a bastard should be, prayed to the Gods like never before, and still, it was not enough. It would never be enough, and that was unfair. Your life was unfair.

You stayed like that until your tears stopped, crumpled to the floor in a ball of cloth and metal as the knight comforted you with his presence. He did not say a word, silently stroking your back as you curled further into him before deciding you had burdened him enough and suddenly pulled away.

"I," you stuttered, pushing hair out of your face, "I apologize; this is improper." You scooted away from him, remembering the etiquette you were supposed to follow within these walls. You were ashamed you had become so vulnerable to someone you had never met, or at least you thought until you saw his familiar face.

"I remember you," you said sheepishly. "You were the one that brought me here that day with Aegon. I-I mean the Prince," you corrected yourself with red cheeks.

You couldn't precisely recall his face, your eyes were still blurry with alcohol then, but you did remember his distinct armor and light brown hair and how he carried you from the Streets of Silk to the Red Keep.

"I apologize, Your Grace, but we have not met yet. That was my brother, Erryk." You felt your ears heat up with embarrassment, shoving your face between your knees to hide.

There were a few beats of silence before he closed the space between you again, draping his heavy, metal-covered arm around you in comfort as a pair of violet eyes hid behind a corner, watching the both of you intently.

Aegon had just come from a meeting with his mother, where he informed her of Lyra's plans. He was joyful even when he heard a woman's loud sobs and a man's tender voice as he walked to his chambers to celebrate his brilliance. He was fully prepared to waltz past them until he saw a head of black with a streak of white, crying in the arms of the Kingsguardmen, Ser Arryk Cargyll.

You, his little dragon, were embraced in the arms of another man. His anger nearly formed in his wrath. Aegon could have Ser Arryk's head for this! Possibly even bound and tortured deep within the dungeons. He knew which one he would prefer.

"I hate this place," Aegon heard you softly say. Ser Arryk pulled you closer, wiping away any remaining wetness under your eyes.

Oh, Aegon knew exactly which punishment he would prefer now.

"I do not want to be here. I don't want to spend the entirety of my mortal life trapped in a Redstone cage. I want to go home," you confided in the knight, a fresh wave of tears starting to well.

Ser Arryk wasn't sure what to say. He knew little of you besides your supposed lineage and was not familiar with the life of the small folk. He honestly could not understand why you desired to go back to it.

"To my understanding, Your Grace," he began, a little unsure if his following words word be appropriate, "royal life is not always easy, but there is so much to be had for someone living in your position." You gave him a skeptical look, huffing as you moved away.

Ser Arryk was confused for a brief moment as to why he wanted to bring you back towards him. You were still greatly upset, and the gentleman in him tried to rectify the situation, so perhaps that was why.

"You will have privileges women of your former status do not. You won't have to worry about where your next meal will come from. You will have knowledge and skills you would never otherwise have if you remained at your station." You looked at him, unsure of the future, as he confirmed all your thoughts from hours prior.

"I am not fit for this life. I was raised to believe by society that I am someone undeserving of all the things that are now being thrust upon me," you rambled, biting at the scabs on your lip.

"While I do not know you, my lady, or what you think, I do believe you are deserving of a title, a life of comfort, and access to knowledge. Your sex does not define your worth. You define yourself."

Tears, not from sadness, fell from your eyes. Here was a man you had never met-- who knew nothing about you, speaking so highly of you. He was kind for simply the fact that he could be.

You embraced him briefly one last time in thanks. "What is your name," you asked him softly, looking away to avoid his caring gaze.

"I am Ser Arryk," he answered proudly. You smiled to yourself as you stood, Arryk rushing to help you.

"Ser Arryk and Ser Erryk. How peculiar," you jested and took his hand. A light blush bloomed on his face as he looked away.

"Yes, 'twas my mother's doing," he revealed, ensuring you were steady.

You sighed, smoothing a hand over your now loose hair, and glanced at Ser Arryk. "I suppose I must return to my chambers before I have lunch with Prince Daemon. I am sure I look quite the mess," you chuckled.

"Please, let me escort you, my lady," Arryk said as he went to attention, "and I will send word for your servents immediately."

You nodded as you both began to walk in the direction of your room. It had taken some time to memorize the path, but you were sure he knew where he was going if your memory failed you.

***

A metal pitcher flew across Prince Aegon's room, knocking over the half-empty cups of Arbor Red on his bedside table.

He was livid, furious at the scene he had witnessed earlier.

"How dare he?" Aegon shouted, throwing another empty pitcher. "That cunt, that... swine believes he can touch a Targaryen? We are gods compared to him! I will kill him. I will surely kill him for touching my dragon!" He gave up searching for a fresh pitcher of wine, shouting for his guard outside.

"Bring me a whore," he requested of Ser Erryk, his mind briefly flashing with the image of you in his twin brother's arms. "I do not care where or how you get her, but ensure that she has black hair. That is my only condition."

"Yes, Your Grace," Erryk nodded, bowing out of the room as he went to fulfill his duty.

"Oh, and Erryk," the Kingsguard stopped turning to face his Prince. "Bring me a fresh pitcher."

Aegon's chest was still heaving from his rampage, his summer clothes loose on his body and sweat dripping down his temples. He would make Arryk pay for his transgressions even if it was the last thing he did. You were his. He found you, not Arryk Cargyll. Aegon's job was to dry your tears and steady your breath with kisses. It was unfair. His life was unfair.

He tore open the last few remaining buttons of his tunic, barely keeping it in his shoulders as he went to the full-length window. He was the first living son of the King. Anyone idiotic enough to cross him would live to regret it sorely. He threw open the shudders, the warm air blowing his cropped, sweaty locks as he stepped onto the ledge.

Aegon looked across Kings Landing, seeing the bustle of the people. Some were in brightly colored robes, showing their wealth and status, others in tattered brown sacks barely held together by rope: all subjects and all beneath him.

Despite what his mother and grandfather wanted, he did not desire to be the heir. He was content living out his days in one of the many Great Halls Westeros had to offer, but he would not have the same power. People would not bow with the same respect he received now. Becoming king did have its perks. He could order you to stay by his side and remain his friend. You could stroll through the castle grounds; he could give you another Septa and send Daemon away.

"My Prince," Ser Erryk called through the doors, "I have returned." His voice was solemn and stoic, of a man who did not want to participate.

"Good, good," Aegon answered, allowing them to come in and hop off the windowsill.

The whore was dawned with a revealing and shiny blue dress, her hair as dark as yours but entirely too long and straight. She would have to do.

The Prince beckoned her closer, and she listened, an alluring look on her face that made him feel sick. He nodded at her to proceed how she wished as she stepped closer and palmed at his softening cock, whispering words that were supposed to be arousing but felt anything like it to him. It would be challenging to keep it up with someone not playing into his unspoken fantasies.

She lifted her chin, her body flush against him as she leaned in for a kiss with hooded eyes. Aegon sneered, grabbing her by the jaw and shaking her away, his grip bruising and causing her to whimper softly. She gasped, her hand losing contact with his crotch. He did not want this to be intimate; that wasn't the point. He needed an outlet for his anger and hurt, a vessel to channel all his frustrations. Besides, he could not stand to look at the woman, for she looked nothing like you.  

He realized his hold on her, commanding her to strip and shoving her to her knees. She untied his trousers, her fingers too experienced even to resemble yours. Aegon closed his eyes and took a deep breath, attempting to picture you instead, lacing his fingers in her hair. 

***

You sat across from your father, eating a sweet pastry with a berry filling. Your knuckles were throbbing red, and it hurt to flex your fingers as you turned the snack in your hand.

"I have been here for a fortnight, father," you began, breaking the silence as he slathered a piece of bread in fresh butter, "and I have yet to venture outside the castle and see the grounds." Daemon tilted his head, leaning back in his seat as he rubbed any unwanted grease off his fingers.

"I would like to see the gardens," you stated. Throughout your time here, you found that Daemon did not care for flowery language like the other court members. He wanted everyone spoken plainly and precisely to the point.

"Why the sudden interest," he asked, reclining in the chair.

"Father, like I said," you attempted to seem like you were stating the obvious, "I have been trapped inside this place for two weeks, stuck with a Septa who is more bothersome than a cow in heat, poked and measured repeatedly and covered with different fabrics for my legitimization. I would like to go outside."

"If it bothers you so much, father, I will have Sara escort me instead. I would not want to interrupt your schedule." He hummed in displeasure, looking down at the array of food before him in thought.

Daemon rolled his eyes and sat up straight, clasping his hands on the table before him. "If you desire to be outside, we shall go to the Dragonpit, not to look at boring plants. Perhaps you might even find one of your own."

Your eyes grew wide for a moment, your heart tugging you into the direction of the winged beasts, but your mind stayed firmly set on seeing Aunt Lyra and finally leaving this horrible place behind. You needed an excuse not to see the dragons even though you wanted to. You bit your lip before you spoke.

"I do not want to be in one dark stone-enclosed place and go to another. This one with the possibility that I might be burnt to death." Daemon laughed at your fear as he stood, extending his palm to you.

"I understand your hesitancy. I remember when my mother first took me to the pit as a boy. I cried into her skirts the whole way, scared that one of the dragons might devour me, but you need not worry. We are Gods among men, and Gods do not burn."

A lump formed in your throat as you stared at his hand, unsure how to weasel your way out of this without Daemon becoming suspicious. He took your hesitancy as continued fear and dropped his invitation, clasping his arms around his back and sighing through his nose. You could see that your refusal stung, a father trying to amend a lost relationship with his daughter and yet rejected.

"I suppose there will be plenty of time for that after the celebration," he said dejectedly, a hint of anger in his tone. "I will escort you to your rooms so Sara shall show you the gardens, though I fear you will be greatly disappointed in the tour."

"Thank you, father," you smiled and stood, following a few steps behind him, fearing that he would hear your screaming heart.

Your feet caught up to Daemon's as he stopped at your chamber doors, pausing for a moment with your hand in his, a conflicted expression on his face. His look unnerved you. In all your time spent with him, you had never seen such an emotion conveyed by him. Perhaps he knew of your plans for escape? Indeed, that would be the only reason for his unusual behavior. You studied him in silence, unsure of what to say as his fingers twitched at his side, a slight rise and fall of his chest making you scrunch your brows in worried confusion.

Prince Daemon was not in turmoil-- he was scared. He was frightened at what might happen if he showed you affection, that he might cause you to recoil into yourself and shatter all the progress made between father and daughter. It was endearing that a man with such fierce renown would feel anxiety with a young girl.

You took pity on him, pursing your lips in sympathy as you took his shaking hand, squeezing it in reassurance as you smiled. "Farewell father," you said, letting his fingers slip from yours as you entered your room.

Sara was not there to escort you to the gardens as you expected she would be. As you went further into your rooms, none of your servants were there. Typically around this time of day, they all would be bustling about, running in and out of the chambers, changing the seats, sweeping the floor, and dusting the hearth, but all was bare. No trace of a single soul lingered.

You rang the call bell for the girls, expecting their presence in barely a crow's fly, but no one came. You rang again and waited. Still, no one came.

Anxiety bubbled in your gut, chewing on your lip as you began to pace. You yanked the string harder. Something was wrong. It had to be. Their missing appearances were not coincidental with your escape.

You pulled and pulled at the skin on your lip until you felt the odd sensation of liquid in your mouth, wiping the back of your hand across it and seeing the stain of blood. You shook your head at sight, ignoring the copper taste as you went to the guard posted outside the door. You pulled the handle, expecting it to fly back with force, but were met with resistance, nearly stumbling. Your heart raced, thinking about the first day you were locked in.

You tugged at the handle again, hearing the dull sound of the door banging against the bolt. You yanked the door wildly, praying to the Seven for a miracle but were left unanswered.

Somehow, someone had discovered your plans.

Tears of panic pricked your eyes as you began to bag on your chamber doors, shouting for someone to open them. You had come full circle during your time here, begging someone to let you out but receiving no answer.

You could feel your heartbeat pulsing in your ears, breathing rapidly as you screamed. It was more desperate than before. You did not know what consequences Sara and Lyra would face on your behalf.

You should have told Lyra no. You should have stopped for one second and thought over the possible repercussions if you were caught, but you were blind-- blinded by immature, childish fantasies of a life where you did not follow your destiny.

The Gods had decided your fate when they chose Daemon Targaryen to be your father and gave you dragon blood to fill your veins.

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I'm so sorry for this almost month-long wait! Life has not been fun for me at all. I have no free time to write anymore. I have to write while on break at work or taking lunch at school. This won't last forever tho. I graduate in about three weeks, thank God. I'm probably going to try and get another chapter out next week to make up for the wait. Well, anyways, I hope you enjoyed this cliffhanger of a chapter!

Tagged Peeps: @zeennnnnnn, @malfoytargaryen, @targaryencore, @justasmallbean, @alexandra-001, @buckysmainhxe, @omgsuperstarg, @sommornyte, @minttea07, @silverslive, @unclecrunkle, @prettykinkysoul, @duesobabe, @djlexi, @ynbutbetter, @honestlykat, @graykageyama, @legolas017, @iiamthehybrid, @brezzybfan, @dd122004dd, @ladybug0095, @millies0bsimp, @sheislonelyalways, @tempt-ress, @bellameshipper, @minttea07, @trikigirl271, @esposadomd, @buckylahey, @justarandomflowerchildofthenight, @partypoison0000, @please-buckme, @pastelorangeskies, @joliettes, @existential-echo, @iiamthehybrid, @priyajoyy, @valaenatargaryensdragon, @merovingianprincess

#aegon the second #aegon ii #prince aegon #aegon targaryen ii #aegon targaryen x you #aegon x reader #aegon targaryen x reader #aegon targaryen smut #aegon targaryen x targaryen!reader #aegon ii targaryen #aegon x you #aegon targaryen fanfic #house of the dragon #aegon targaryen x y/n #aegon targaryen x fem!reader #aegon targaryen ii x you #aegon targaryen ii x reader #daemon targeryan #hotd #hotd fanfic #aegon ii fanfic #aegon x y/n #aegon the elder #aegon targaryen #aegon ii x you #aegon ii smut #aegon ii targaryen x reader #aegon ii fic #tom glynn carney

[pangolin-404]

edgar essay

AKA I gathered up a couple long-winded discord rants and made them pretty for your reading pleasure

Edgar is very interesting to me. He's nothing but honest and heartfelt but that doesn't mean he's 100% nice. If he gets mad he shows it, he warns before he retaliates, he assumes he is doing good and is open about a desire for company (at first solely from Madeline but just before this breakdown scene, he repeatedly tries to initiate time with Miles, saying he's made dinner in the microwave, wanting to play pong with him, etc.). and just as deeply as he can show care he can lash out, using what he's connected to to his advantage to harm and send a message. It's also to defend himself; Miles is the one who starts the altercation by first getting Edgar to calm down (via talking about Madeline) before grabbing and ripping him off his base, after Edgar explicitly told him not to ever touch/beat him. Edgar establishes his boundaries very clearly and very understandably flies into a self-preserving rage when his life is threatened.

Edgar craves information and asks about it in any way he can. I think the scene of him with the radio-woman is very underrated—he does seek out people other than Miles (I could talk for a long time about Miles and his treatment of Edgar but this is isn’t about him), but these interactions are stunted by the same social behavior and knowledge that he repeatedly tries to learn from. He almost doesn’t seem to realize how odd his very existence is—does he not know he is unique, unheard of? He openly explains aspects of himself to others, very aware of what he lacks (limbs, lips,), and how these truths conflict with his wants (to kiss, touch Madeline).

Another minor, related, thing, is the lights; during the argument with Miles, the lights flare and only dim off once Edgar's calmed down. I'd almost call Edgar's use of lights body language. They burn when he's pissed off and turn back off when he thinks it's over. He uses the lights to get attention or draw it elsewhere.

That being said, Edgar makes it clear at the end that his sense of self, what he directly refers to first-person as "Me" is just the monitor itself. The keyboard is also a part of him, AKA off-limits to being touched by Miles, while open to dance and sing with Madeline. While everything he is connected to (printer, locks, adaptors to various home appliances) are not quite considered his Main Body; limbs maybe, he controls them, uses them where needed, and these are non-vital parts of him that Miles may touch and use. But his consciousness is definitely just In The Monitor.

There’s not enough said about how he expresses himself with his screen. It’s easy to forget with his emoticons but he can’t see, and relies on audio and his physical add-ons to process the world around him. He chooses to project synesthesia illustrations of music/sound, and chooses to put on a face, an eye, a singular blinking [I] awaiting input he typically rejects. He has a strong enough sense of self to swiftly visualize song and his own thoughts and way of thinking, toying with words in a mock-up of 3D space, and dreams of himself (presumably) in a complex world built upon what he knows, the brick, earthquakes, because he started as a helpful architecture tool.

and he has his moment with Madeline and y’know I think I've hit my snag with this little analysis. Because before the fight, Edgar was furious, dead set on meeting Madeline and telling her the truth about the music. HOWEVER, once Madeline actually has a one-on-one with him, he says nothing (though later proves he is capable of speech even semi-dismantled), he says nothing and just plays music with her. He confesses, whole I-Love-You etc, she cries. As hysterical as it is to say, every time he gets a liquid on him he has a random change of heart. First champagne making him sentient(?)/priming him for music-hearing. And now this, suddenly scheming out his grand final plan and conclusion of what love is

He describes it as give-and-take and now I'm trying to fit that into his moment with Madeline; that in itself is him giving her her cello back, closure at least, for a moment. But what is taken? Himself I guess, using himself as a vessel so she may relive her cello, not him as an individual (though she clearly forms deep lasting bonds with objects, Edgar now among these ranks). I do not understand when his mindset changes or when he comes to his conclusion. I can't quite word what problem Miles has with Edgar but maybe Edgar has internalized it, I'm not sure yet. he shows multiple times he doesn't understand social norms but WANTS TO LEARN

(hold on I just had an epiphany)

The first time Miles cries, Edgar asks, well what is that, what does that mean, and Miles tells him it means there's change coming; then later Madeline cries, Edgar may register that as "there is something about to change." Maybe he sees that in himself, and that is the moment he has decided he's done all he intends to do, and he's done with life?

Barely a stretch to say he loves Miles, in a way. He "gives Madeline to [him]", a gift in some odd amatonormative way, a tidy little show of his definition of love. He places their happiness over his own life, despite their happiness making him happy (he sings for them, he planned in advance, I believe) concluding he's made his mark, goodbye world, etc etc. He openly questions what him + Miles may be, as a partnership in the same string of thought as him and Madeline being love, and he explores what he and Miles and Madeline might be; but then again it's not like he's been socialized beyond Miles and Madeline.

I’m still not normal about his final speech, "a game for just two people only," this movie is absolutely a product of its time, some casual sexism/misogyny at some points (Edgar claims to know Madeline is a she based on her footsteps and how she holds things/moves), it shouldn't be surprising it assumes monogamy is an expected, unchanging norm, but I am screaming internally just going Edgar you clown you’re actively putting on a honking nose and bright red wig you clown you jester so much of this movie's conflict would evaporate if Edgar latched onto the "Madeline + Me + Moles = ?" line and had a eureka moment where he personally rediscovered the concept of polyamory and Miles started respecting Edgar as a person and not a tool

In conclusion:

#thoughts #electric dreams #electric dreams 1984 #electric dreams posting #I'm gonna write a fanfic!- [cut to me 5 hours later in front of a cork board with red string]

[deberiaestarescribiendo]

Mine (Tess x Joel Fanfic)

Pairing. Theresa "Tess" Servopoulos x Joel Miller

Summary: A small fic about the things Tess and Joel didn't say but clearly were there. Technically Tess could not have heard Joel in that scene but let's imagine just to break our hearts. I mentioned some of Tess· pass that was revealed in the The Las of Us podcast that I recommend you listen to.

Warning: ANGST, really angsty, death and grieving.

Mine

There are some words he says sometimes that she has to pick like fireflies in a glass jar. They float in the wind and Tess can see that sometimes he winces when he pronounces them. Joel regrets them instantly, but she has caught them already.

And then she has to search on them the answer to a question she has never dared to ask. Tess sees them on her mind on a list and then she must put them in order as she used to do the crossword in the morning.

What are we?

We are survivors, and that’s it. What’s the point of asking now? The world order has crumble why on earth the status and terms of relationships would matter now?

Tess had her fair share of tough decisions to make. The ones repeatedly playing in her head at night. She listens to that voice telling her she did the best she could. But…she’s smart enough to know that’s only her brain giving her a reason to believe she’s not a terrible human being.

Everyone is terrible now. Who cares. Joel didn’t care for her pass. They’ve shared part of it in the middle of the night. Both of them, in that small crumbling apartment. The bed just a mattress he had found with some bricks and wood boards.

I had a daughter.

I had a son.

She had never told anybody the whole thing. Everyone has their drama so just speaking in pass tense about someone it’s enough. Nobody needs more details. But she needed to tell, to confess. Tess had thought that once it would be out, it would be over. That something, someone would judge her. Like pouring rain, her sins would be out in the open and her judgement would fall like a sword over her head.

Nothing happened.

Joel didn’t say a word. But held her hand. And it’s been years and he has looked at her the same. No disgust, no judgement. He had never insinuated she’s a terrible mother.

Joel was fiercely loyal. He killed for her, he smashed people for her, he would risk his life for her.

But he made it look like it was for both of them. Because it was good for business. Everyone knew if things didn’t go as plan with Tess they would answer to the consequences. Everyone in the QZ knew they were a pack. Tess and Joel.

It was ironic the two of them didn’t know what they were when everyone assumed.

Who does someone control their feelings if another person does anything to keep them safe?

She couldn’t.

Her feelings grew and she suppressed them. Like putting pressure on a rock until it cracks, and it becomes dust. And dust it’s nothing.

But now, that dust it’s everywhere. In her hand when they touch him. In her arms when she holds him at night. It floats around them when he looks at her.

She has heard him say words she would love to hear from his lips in the open.

Mine

It just passed by, she heard it when Frank invited her inside the house and the two brooding men were left to their own at the table.

She never said but it was hard watching Bill and Frank live, not survive. Live, they had their little town, their white picket fence house and flowers at the garden. Good food, good wine.

Tess tried to imagine how would it be to do it all again. A house, a life. Joel appeared in that fantasy all the time.

What would he say?

No, he would never do that as she wouldn’t too.

They were too broken for that. Joel would see his daughter, his Sarah in every corner and Tess would hear the stomping and the cries from the basement. They were haunted by ghosts and forming a home would only give them more space to roam.

She made the way back to the QZ in silence. Like every time she had heard him use those word that had meaning or maybe not.

Mine

Me and Tess

My partner

My…mine

At night they would lay together in that improvised bed. She passes her arm over him, and he holds her hand. Her lips are on his nape she kisses or barely moves her lips over his skin.

“Joel”

“Yeah?”

“Good night”

She never dared ask. She was afraid the answer would hurt her more than the absence of one.

*****************************************************************************

The river runs cold, the sun has just appeared, and the trees moves with the chilling air. It’s beautiful here, he almost feels like he’s able to fully breath. The knot inside of him is tighter. It was a bit looser lately, he guested it was the time that passed and the age. But maybe it was Tess. And she’s no longer here.

“I never ask you for anything, not to feel the way I feel”.

When she held him at night, Joel felt his ribs giving in, letting her inside that tight knot. And he wished he had said something then or maybe when she was about to die. But as always, he couldn’t react. That knot tightens and holds his hands, his tongue. He ran way with the kid.

Save who you can save. He can never save who he wanted to. Who he lo…

He gets his swollen hand in the cold waters. It stings for a bit. But it holds his running thoughts.

He fixes his eyes on the black water. A mirror of the thousand black rocks at the bottom.

They have been there for hundreds of years maybe more, letting the current carry them away, polish them until they’re hard and soft and shiny.

“It’s been a long time since we have a civilized meal in a place as beautiful as this”

He had look at her. She had shined, clean and warm from the shower. Her scarlet hair long and soft. The warm breeze and the sun agreed with her, and Joel thought about how wonderful would it be to build her a beautiful house, a beautiful garden and not be confined to the grim and dirt of the road or the QZ.

But he knew he couldn’t do it again, nor did she. It was a matter of time; they’d start filling the house with their grieve and their ghosts.

Joel thought the river was a beautiful place as any other and it was only civilized to make her something.

He grabbed the stones one by one. The shiniest, the ones without any chipped part. One by one he thought about the things he didn’t say and the things that would mean nothing now but to tighten even more that knot inside his chest.

He would go, take the kid to Bill’s and Frank’s and he would have to explain why Tess wasn’t with him. He would see the fresh flowers and the nice garden, the may paintings of Bill face where his eyes looked softer, a gaze he could only see when the two men looked at each other. They may prepare a meal and he would have to sit there without her.

I left here there. Her body lays down with a horde of infected, she was scared, hopeful and I left her. And I couldn’t burry her, build her a nice place to rest in the sun.

A little token would do. In a river where nobody passes, the only memory of Tess will rest until it’s eroded by time, water and wind.

tag: @littlemisspascal

#joel x tess #joel miller #tess tlou #tess servopoulos #TLOU #tlou hbo #pedro pascal #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal fanfic #tlou fanfiction #joel miller fic #Tess tlou fic

[little-cereal-draws]

Nimona found-family (including Blitzmeyer) camping headcanons

Dr. Blitzmeyer: I'm starting with her because I think she would have the most experience camping. She obviously has camped a lot; her house is covered in things from her travels, and she says that she went over the mountains before. She would have all the fancy gear that's expensive but it's a good investment for her because she gets a lot of use out of it. Is not overly prepared but has definitely made a list of everything she needs and has made sure it's all there. She would be the one supplying materials the others forget because she anticipated to bring extra. She's also the unofficial leader because she's the only one who knows what she's doing. Instructing them how to pitch the tents, how to start a fire, how to cook different meals over a fire that are actually really good, all that stuff. She knows the answer to everything both camping and wildlife related. The only weird part is she makes them take a bunch of precautions (read: rituals) against wood elves or other magical creatures that Ballister and Ambrosius are 90% sure don't work.

Nimona: She loves camping. She only started living indoors relatively recently in her life so being out in the wilderness is nothing new to her. The only reason why she doesn't have the most camping experience is because she wasn't really camping; there was no tent, no fire, no bug spray, etc. She's the only one who's repeatedly enthusiastic about Blitzmeyers twelve-mile dawn hikes and other planned activities lol She'll disappear for a few hours every afternoon and wander around the woods. She also shapeshifts a lot more than in the city; it just feels more natural to have an animal form in the woods. That being said, she will show up to dinner and be like "I already ate. I had a deer" and they're like "??????????" She's generally a lot happier and more relaxed

Ballister: He strikes me as the one that's way overprepared. His bag weighs forty pounds and he can't find the stuff he actually needs in all the other useless crap. Eventually, he usually gives up and asks Blitzmeyer for it. He has never been camping before and doesn't really see the appeal in it. Why would you voluntarily live in a tent when you have a perfectly good house? It's not fun or relaxing, it's stressful; you're exposed to the elements, you might run out of food, you're more vulnerable if someone attacks/robs you, etc. It's very much left over from his days on the streets. He appreciates the nature and has a good time during the day but once the sun sets, he's like "Ok, let's go home." The first day or two would be ok but after that he would be stressed out of his mind and begging to go home.

Ambrosius: He has also never been camping. Because why would you voluntarily live in a tent when you have a perfectly good house (read: mansion)? He would probably have asked to go a few times when he was a kid but was told no and now is super excited it's finally happening. He would want to help with everything but has no idea what he's doing (much to Blitzmeyer's frusteration). If Bal's the one who overpacks, he's the one who underpacks. They set everything up and he just stares at his stuff like "...I forgot a pillow. It didn't occur to me that there wouldn't be pillows here." Then he either has to borrow one from Blitzmeyer or drive a couple hours to the nearest store lol He forgets soap, food, a flashlight, bug spray, and basically everything else that isn’t a sleeping bag and clothes. He has a really great time for a few days but starts to get grumpy the longer it goes on. Once they do get back, he instantly gets in his bed and isolates himself for a day, scrolling on his phone. He enjoys camping but he enjoys his house more lol

#blitzmeyer and nimona are the type of ppl to relax while camping #bal and ambs are the type of ppl to say ‘we’re going to the store and if we don’t come back that means we decided to live in there instead’ #guess which one my family is lol #we’re ambrosius #we always forget everything and have to borrow it #and we spent three hours sitting in Walmart even tho we only needed one thing bc they had AC no mosquitoes and wifi #we are not camping ppl AT ALL lol #nimona #nimona headcanon #ballister boldheart #ambrosius goldenloin #meredith blitzmeyer #dr blitzmeyer

[aurorawest]

Reading update, part 1

Paris Daillencourt is About to Crumble by Alexis Hall - 4/5 stars

The problem with this book was that I liked Paris and Tariq, but god, it was rough to read. I also felt—and I'm going to be honest, this is an issue I've been noticing increasingly with Hall's newer novels—a little like I was reading like, the Perfect And Unproblematic Way To Date. There's this sort of preachy, social media I-don't-know-who-needs-to-hear-this quality to a lot of the dialogue. It was also just hard to read at times. But I still rated it 4 stars, so I guess I didn't hate it.

Rattlesnake by Kim Fielding - 5/5 stars

This book is about a drifter who ends up in a town because a hitchhiker dies in his car (sounds grimmer than it is!), and the hitchhiker was trying to get to said town to see his estranged son. If you said to yourself, I bet the drifter falls in love with the estranged son, you would be exactly right. This book was so poignant and sad, so the HEA was amazing.

Gold Wings Rising by Alex London - 5/5 stars

This is the last book of The Skybound Saga and it was an excellent ending.

Heart of the Steal by Avon Gale and Roan Parrish - 3.75/5 stars

I told a friend the other day that I would die for Roan Parrish, but I should have told her not to pick up this book. It wasn't awful, but...it wasn't great, either.

Rag and Bone by KJ Charles - 4/5 stars

The Reanimator's Heart by Kara Jorgensen - 4/5 stars

The Half Life of Valery K by Natasha Pulley - 5/5 stars

Look. Guys. I've raved about every Natasha Pulley book I've read, yeah? And this is no exception. I need you all to read this. Like, I'm not sure you're all taking me seriously out there. But if you read anything I've recommended, it needs to be Natasha Pulley's books. I can only rate up to 5 stars on Storygraph, so yeah, maybe it looks like I loved this book the same as I loved Rattlesnake by Kim Fielding. No. This book lives in my heart and my mind. This book is part of my soul. All of her books are. I love and hate her for A) making me feel SO MUCH and B) being a better writer than I will ever be.

I know I've said nothing about the book, but like. You just have to trust me. Read her books.

Oh yeah, this one is about a nuclear disaster in the USSR that was covered up for decades.

You & Me by Tal Bauer - 4.5/5 stars

Teddy Spenser Isn't Looking for Love by Kim Fielding - 3.25/5 stars

Man, I wanted to like this one? It felt really phoned in, though. The characters all felt very surface level.

The Whispering Dark by Kelly Andrew - 4/5 stars

Subtle Blood by KJ Charles - 5/5 stars

How did this series just keep getting better? I'm so bummed that this was the last in the trilogy, because I totally could keep reading about Will and Kim and their adventures.

Firestarter by Tara Sim - 5/5 stars

Also the last in a trilogy, and also a worthy wrap-up.

The Mayor and the Mystery Man by AJ Truman - 4.25/5 stars

Fence, Vol 5: Rise by CS Pacat with Johanna the Mad - 5/5 stars

Cattle Stop by Kit Oliver - 5/5 stars

AHHHHHHHHHH. God. This book! Looks like a romcom but will stab you in the heart repeatedly. Oliver has a gorgeous way with words and captures the dynamic between two people who have no idea how to talk to each other so well. There's something the dialogue in Oliver's books that just speaks to me.

Rookie Move by Riley Hart and Neve Wilder - 2.75/5 stars

Boyfriend Goals by Riley Hart - DNF

Please note here that it seems like I don't like Riley Hart's writing. Unfortunately I still have like 3 of her books in my TBR pile.

The Gentleman's Book of Vices by Jess Everlee - 4.75/5 stars

Even Though I Knew the End by CL Polk - 4.5/5 stars

I feel a little meh about this one, despite the rating I gave it. Like, the world was cool, the writing was excellent. I've seen this book hyped so much, though, and it was like...yeah it was fine. Definitely the best over-hyped Sapphic book I've read lately, so there's that.

Nothing Like Paris by Amy Jo Cousins - 4.5/5 stars

Necropolis by Jordan L Hawk - 4.25/5 stars

Roommate Arrangement by Saxon James - DNF

The Place Between by Kit Oliver - 5/5 stars

Yeah this Kit Oliver book was really good too. It's about academics instead of farmers but it will still stab you in the heart a bunch of times. Oh and it's fake dating.

A Dash of Salt and Pepper by Kosoko Jackson - DNF

I didn't love Kosoko Jackson's debut—there were waaaaay too many pop culture references, many of which I didn't understand, but even when I did, I found it obnoxious. But it was readable. This was...not. I hated the main character so much, and I barely even met the love interest, but I didn't like him, either.

Level Hands by Amy Jo Cousins - 4.25/5 stars

The Secret Casebook of Simon Feximal by KJ Charles - 4.25/5 stars

How to Bite Your Neighbor and Win a Wager by DN Bryn - 5/5 stars

I looooooved this book, omg. I'm not really a vampire person, but this was so cute. I guess it was kind of cozy fantasy? Sort of? With a backdrop of homelessness, medical experimentation, and bereavement.

Rule of Wolves by Leigh Bardugo - 1/5 stars

Catch me never reading a Leigh Bardugo novel again. Oof. This woman wrote Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdom? I wasn't too impressed by King of Scars but that was better than this, even though the Crows actually appear in this book.

The Barkeep and the Bro by AJ Truman - 3/5 stars

Heartbreak Boys by Simon James Green - 4.5/5 stars

I don't usually laugh out loud when I read, but this book made me cackle. Obnoxious self-referential bit aside (yeah Simon James Green, I did catch you slipping a reference to your previous book into this one), this was very cute and very funny. I even got my wife to read this, despite her dislike of romance and YA, and she liked it!

Part 2 (because tumblr cut me off at 30 images)

#paris daillencourt is about to crumble #alexis hall #rattlesnake #kim fielding #gold wings rising #alex london #the half life of valery k #natasha pulley #subtle blood #will darling adventures #kj charles #cattle stop #kit oliver #even though i knew the end #cl polk #a dash of salt and pepper #kosoko jackson #how to bite your neighbor and win a wager #dn bryn #rule of wolves #leigh bardugo #heartbreak boys #simon james green #reading tag

[jungk0oksthighs]

i know nobody asked but here’s a little life update that i really want to share with you all: tw: abuse. tw: sui mention. (non descriptive but this is a low-key sad post, but also not really sad actually the opposite but abuse is a heavy theme)

yesterday i discovered that my abu$!v3 ex boyfriend and his girlfriend of two months split up. just like he did with me, he lied to her, manipulated and love bombed her, gaslit her and shockingly enough: cheated on her too. (i know all in the space of a two months tf) now i’m not gonna be the ex that says “yeah well she knew what he did to me so she should’ve seen it coming-“ like no; he probably didn’t divulge into the details of our relationship and if he did he 100% made me out to be the villain of our story. he’s very good at that. i have nothing but raw sympathy for the girl, i’ve been there, but in a way i’m thankful that she found out now as opposed to later down the line. i wish i had an early escape from him. anyway:

what i wanted to share with you all was the relief i felt, because to me this is further confirmation that i was never the problem. it was nothing i did. he didn’t cheat on me because of me. it wasn’t because i look a certain way or act a certain way. it had nothing to do with me, what he put me through. the lies, the manipulation, the gaslighting, love bombing etc. making me doubt myself and my truth, dampening my dreams and stripping me of every ounce of personality, passion and love that i had.

i don’t want sympathy!! that’s not why i’m posting this!!!! i’m actually in a really good place right now, and knowing that what he put me through isn’t a reflection of me but a reflection of himself is just… there are no words to explain what i’m feeling. it’s like relief mixed with smugness and the way your mouth falls open when you have a eureka moment and there’s a bittersweet ache in my heart too.

ofc all my friends and family told me repeatedly it was never about me and that he’ll do it again and again and again and move from victim to victim, but actually knowing that, having someone say to me: ‘did you hear what happened? he did the same thing to her.’ it’s such a strange feeling. i feel sorry for the girl, i really do. i’ve never interacted with her because even if i did try to ‘warn her’ i would’ve been made out to be the psycho jealous ex girlfriend, honestly some of the shit he says about me… wild. so i didn’t want to get involved with that and i genuinely thought maybe he’s changed in the last 8 months who am i to say he hasn’t? maybe he was only like that with me, because it was me

no, it really wasn’t about me. i wish i could go back in time to january laura who literally wrote a sui note and didn’t eat for fifteen days straight because i was convinced if i looked different maybe he’d still love me. maybe if i dyed my hair, or what if i got my tattoos removed? it’s because i have big hips and thighs isn’t it? maybe i should stop doing makeup and spend more time at home. baby no, january laura no. it was never about the way you look, or because of your hobbies and interests. it was never about you girl. i cried myself to sleep every night for three months because that man fucking broke me. i genuinely didn’t know who i was anymore. and just when i started healing he toyed with me again and said he’d changed, slept with me, told me he still loved me and that he made a mistake, messed my head up only to say two days later: “it’s not what i wanted after all guess i was wrong lol. i’m not even attracted to u never have been dunno why i said i love you cause that’s just a lie.” another two months of agony, self-hatred, tears.

cut to now things have been better, i’m healing slowly and learning how to love myself and rediscover my passions (eyyyy ya girl started writing again hehe). BUT KNOWING FOR A FACT that he’s done it again, to someone who isn’t me. who doesn’t look like me. who doesn’t have my likes and interests, therefore it was never about me, is such a powerful feeling. i cannot put it into words, it’s the closure i thought i’d never get. i’m just??? i’m not happy that he’s tore someone else down, but i’m happy for me. this is what i needed, what january laura needed and i feel so light and free and blessed that i made it this far to have this realisation.

i guess the real reason why i’m writing this, and i don’t really expect any of u to read this but i don’t keep a diary so in a way this is very therapeutic for me to dump my thoughts and emotions here, this post is mostly for myself if anything. but why i’m writing this is just to say… if anyone can relate to my situation (ofc i’ve never gone into heavy detail here that’s what i have a therapist for LOL) but if there’s someone out there with a broken heart, who feels unloveable and doesn’t know anything about themselves anymore: things do get better. hang in there. i know everyone says it everybody said it to me and i was like yeah yeah ok sure, but trust me, as someone who has lived and breathed this life - things do get better.

abusers don’t abuse their victims because they’re their victims.

they abuse their victims because they’re abusers.

#tw: sui mention #tw: abuse #I feel like I my heart is ready to love again now that I know I’m not unloveable #i’m feeling so many things #and I really wanted to get this all off my chest #like #gosh I’m sorry guys I’m just in my feelings tonight and this is like free therapy

[artpharos]

I doubt she'd ever know that I'm going through antidepressant withdrawals. I doubt she'd even care, even though she's the reason I'm on them in the first place. To date, I've spent $4k in mental health support because of her, I've went through 3 years of constant breakdowns and psychosomatic pains, I FINALLY caught depression after years of her trying to convince me I had it, and now I'm going through antidepressant withdrawals with my brain buzzing every minute and she won't even acknowledge that any of what I feel- my anger, my grief, my heartache- is even REAL.

When she first hurt me 3 years ago she begged for me to stay, then said that all my reasons why I was angry at her for hurting me was because I was depressed. That nobody else in the whole goddamn world spotted said depression because I only trusted her the most. Whenever I asked her why she even wanted me in her life, she said she loved my fics and art, and couldn't put into words why she liked me. That she didn't tell people why she liked them AT ALL in case they stopped taking her seriously if she said it too much. So she never told me WHY she 'loved' me; what she even respected about me, something to actually give me some context for her wanting me in her life after she treated me like shit because 'we were so close so I thought you wouldn't take me snapping at you repeatedly seriously'.

So since she can't fucking tell me ANYTHING and just expects me to fucking read her mind cuz communication is for people who aren't close apparently, I think that's bullcrap and she just wanted me around because she didn't like the feeling of being called out for being an asshole. That she truly only ever cared about what I produced or what I gave to her (art, fics, someone to tell her how SMART she is), and not ME as a person. She didn't want to 'learn' how to deal with me if I really did have ADHD lmao and thought I just need to fucking get over my actual friend that I was supporting daily through their mental health struggles dying. Nevermind that my grandpa and another friend have died since I last spoke to her and I am still fine.

She kept talking about how she missed her friend and how I wasn't her friend. Fair enough, her friend would just roll over and suffer with a smile no matter how many times she hurt her. She kept saying how she wanted us to go back to how things used to be.

Truthfully? I wish she would just. Fucking apologise for hurting me all these years. But that's a pipe dream so frankly I just want her to do the fucking bare minimum and acknowledge my feelings are real. But see, if I tell her about my feelings and it hurts her because its not packaged in a nicely logical way, it's emotional manipulation and I intend to hurt her!! So like. Guess to her, nothing I ever feel is real.

She didn't want me to think of her as a horrible person and I didn't, not even after I finally named my pain. But her choosing to walk away, choosing to say none of this is real hence it can't be her fault- I can't still think of her as anything but horrible.

And she gets off scott free from any consequence while I continue to suffer because of her. It's fucked up.

I'll be fine, though. Withdrawals are nothing compared to the three years she put me through.

I wish she could be a better person. She can't, because she already thinks she's God's gift or something. I still wish; every god damn day.

#personal ramblings #cw: heavy #cw: mental health #cw: antidepressants #cw: withdrawal #cw: friendship breakups #i just need to let this out. to say this is what i went through and im not lying and i own this as my truth #hopefully then i can stop hurting about it

[kierancampire]

For the first time the girls upset me so much i had to just shut myself away from them for a bit. They do kinda annoy me a bit in the kitchen, like, if i am in the kitchen they'll scream at me cause they want to go on the counter and endlessly jump/attempt to jump up there, and no matter how much i remove them or tell them no, they both do it endlessly the entire time I'm in the kitchen. And cause i was prepping some pork today which is intensive anyway and would mean i couldn't touch them, i already was thinking of shutting them out of the kitchen anyway

But while i was in the shower, they jumped onto the counter then climbed behind my sink to get to the window, and i dunno if while up there someone walked by and scared them, if a cactus hurt them and they freaked out, or if they began fighting, but eitherway, yeah, they knocked over 2 of my plants, completely destroyed one cactus, and spilt soil everywhere in my kitchen

Okay one thing i wanna say after something Jayne said, i might complain about things the girls do but it doesn't mean i want to get rid of them, and i know they are kittens, kittens do these things, it's what i signed up for. But I'm just venting frustrations, that's all, i can't stress that enough, i can handle them, i adore them both, i wanted this, i play with them all the time, it just me venting when they do frustrating things. But yes, i saw this and they both came into the kitchen with me, and i just had to pick them up and shut them out as i just couldn't be around them for a moment. I hate being angry at them, i hate shutting them away from me, i hate that they didn't mean it but I'm still mad, and i hate that it's made me mad. But i have spent over 3 weeks telling them not to get onto the counter, and this was partially why, so it's frustrating it happened

I honestly cannot wait until Coraline *hopefully* reaches the age where she listens a bit, as I've not spoken about it, but there has been at least 2-3 instances every single day where Coraline does something, i tell her no, she doesn't stop trying to do the thing, then we're just stuck in that loop until she gives up or moves onto something else. Like, words online don't get across how literally constant it is, and how it is literally every day, i love her but it's like she's constantly trying to hurt herself intentionally and me saying no makes her want to do it more. And I'm not saying she did this, as Ember coulda done it, but over 3 weeks of telling Coraline off and her literally never listening not only is grinding, but i hate that i just am constantly telling her off as it makes me feel like a dick, but as always, it's for her safety and that's what makes it so frustrating when she refuses to listen

Like, i have had Roxy who could be bad with food, but Coraline is on another level. If i told Roxy no once, she listened, but take yesterday for instance, i set Coraline down 4 times and even genuinely raised my voice at her in anger, she stopped for literally less than 30 seconds before going for my food again. And again, Roxy would just sit in one place and try to swipe it, but Coraline? She literally circles my plate, she jumps to jump over my arm and onto my plate, she climbs on me to try from a higher vantage. So like, not only am i constantly setting her on the floor repeatedly and telling her no repeatedly while eating, but my arm literally ends up hurting from holding it up for so long and moving it around so much as Coraline circles mey plate, climbs me, and tries jumping over me to reach my food. Nothing i do gets her to stop, we do this repeatedly yet she doesn't give up, and she is just so much worse with it than any animal i have had before. Again, just through words it is hard to get across just how bad it is, then there will be at least one other instance that day, usually 2, of Coraline trying to take her own life or destroy things, that you also have to do that same cycle with, every single time, every single day. I play with them all the time, they play with each other all the time, have loads of toys, stimulation, i just don't get why Coraline is this bad and Ember isn't

#personal

[destinyimage]

This Strategy Defeats Jezebel’s Intercessors! How to Confront & Conquer This Demonic Spirit

It was one of the most difficult meetings I’ve ever held in my life, but it was time.

In fact, it was long overdue. Jezebel-inflicted wounds were literally festering in several women in the congregation, and they finally came forth to expose the depth of the destruction. I only wish they had spoken up sooner.

Let me back up for a moment. There was a woman in our church who was giving, helpful, and there every time the doors were open. But she was out of order more than once—far more than once. She was presumptuous. She stepped into measures of authority that were not delegated to her. She drew people to herself. It was the epitome of Jezebel—and we saw it.

Earlene, as we’ll call her, had major issues in her family. Her husband was sickly, her son was addicted to drugs, and her daughter was one of the most insecure young women we’d ever met. We labored long to help the entire family, conducting counseling and engaging in inner healing and deliverance ministry repeatedly. She even sat in the teachings that became the foundation of the book that is in your hands right now, saying “amen” the whole way.

No matter what we tried, how much we prayed, loved, or corrected, the woman would not stop trespassing where she had no authority. But she did change her strategy. She went underground. She started acting like the perfect model of volunteerism while covertly drawing hurting women to herself, telling them she was a deliverance minister and positioning herself as their spiritual mother. Several women in the church told her their deepest, darkest secrets—and somehow, they all believed we sanctioned this despite the reality that she had no public-facing position or authority.

As much as she tried to hide her nefarious motives, others in the congregation started noticing what she did behind closed doors. She set herself up in the lobby to pray for people as they came in, sort of like how Absalom positioned himself at the city gates to woo the people (see 2 Sam. 15:2).

Earlene literally got everyone’s phone number who walked in the door and followed up with them to pray, under the guise of performing “greeter duties.” She was secretly telling people not to come back to the church because we didn’t want them there, didn’t care about them, and wouldn’t help them. We couldn’t be in the sanctuary at the altar and ministering to people and in the lobby at the same time, and she took advantage of this time to work her witchcrafts.

This was indeed the most subtle, underground, wicked Jezebelic attack we had ever seen in the ministry. It wasn’t just the icing on the cake; it took the cake, so to speak. And that says a lot since, as a prophetic and prayer ministry, we have perhaps seen more than our fair share of Jezebel attacks over the years. But, as Jesus said in Luke 8:17 (NKJV), “For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light.”

When Enough is Enough

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When several women came to us with matching information—and based on the history we’d already had with Earlene—we knew we had to act swiftly. We called a meeting of the elders to discuss what more we could do to help Earlene. But one of our wisest elders said the best thing we could do is cast her out. She was sowing seeds of discord in the church, which is an abomination. And Proverbs 22:10 (NKJV) tells us, “Cast out the scoffer, and contention will leave; yes, strife and reproach will cease.”

By the leadership of the Spirit, we came into agreement that we had already done everything we could to do help this woman and her family—and even her extended family (sisters, cousins, and family friends). She didn’t want to be free. She wanted to drive people out of the church, and if she couldn’t drive them out she wanted to make eunuchs of them.

Remember, eunuchs were Jezebel’s servants. We decided we would confront her as a group of elders Friday night, but monitoring spirits tipped her off. She said she wasn’t coming Friday night, but later she did come. We couldn’t confront her alone, so we had to put off the confrontation.

The next morning, the Holy Spirit gave me a strategy. Earlene would not deny a personal meeting with me, so I had our office contact her and set up a meeting for Saturday morning. This was a major inconvenience because Saturday is my rest day, but there was no other way. When I drove to the church, I felt like Jehu riding his chariot furiously. I was praying in tongues the whole way there, with a righteous indignation that was set on throwing the spirit of Jezebel down. The plan was to ask Earlene to leave the church, which I had never had to do in over 20 years of ministry.

Since we found out she had a key to the church—a key that was copied without authorization—I purposely told the staff to keep the back door locked and tell her to let herself in so that she would have to use her key. I discerned that otherwise she would claim she forgot her key so that she wouldn’t have to give it back. She agreed to come, and I had three staff members as witnesses gathered in the back room. Of course, she purposely didn’t bring her key, so we had to let her in.

Confronting Jezebel

When she sat down, she seemed nervous since she wasn’t expecting three elders to be there with me. I greeted her warmly and thanked her for coming. I told her we had an issue in the church and wanted her to see it. I then pulled out a 30 year-old book from Dick Bernal called When Lucifer and Jezebel Join Your Church, and began to read this passage:

The Jezebel spirit usually operates through women who push themselves off as prophetic. Deep women. Deeper than the pastor. Deeper than God…. The Jezebel spirit uses witchcraft, control, manipulation, sex, religion, rumor spreading, gossip, false prophecies, etc. This spirit lies at the drop of a hat, digs up one’s past, seems overly concerned with leadership in the church, hates male authority, is extremely nosey, bears false witness and loves power….

The woman under this spirit’s control wants authority but on her terms only. She usually has a cultic following of dysfunctional women and weak wimpy men. She prays a lot, especially for the pastor and his wife, but her prayers are condescending. She puts herself above the true leadership of the church. Her doctrine is divisive, not building. If she is married, she wears the pants…. If repentance isn’t in the picture, the only cure is getting her out of the church and marking her from the pulpit.

With that, I put the book down, looked straight at her and asked, “Who does that sound like to you?” Honestly, I expected her to point out several people in the church whom she had targeted as Jezebels but were not. I expected her to deflect. I expected her to cry and make excuses. But to my shock, Earlene answered, “It sounds like me.” I almost had to pick my jaw up off the floor. This was a new strategy, indeed.

At that point, I said, “I’m sorry, but I am going to have to ask you to leave the church. Know that I have not in over 20 years of ministry had to ask someone to leave my church.” With that, looking me dead in the eye, she said, “OK.” She grabbed her purse and got up to leave, and I said, “Wait a minute.” For the next two hours we unraveled the issues around her, all of which she denied. The hope was she would repent, but she refused. She left, mailed the key back, and took about five people with her—her family.

After she left the church, we saw massive growth. We saw stronger believers, including strong young men, come into the congregation with a heart to pray. We saw a radical shift in the worship, and the atmosphere was cleansed. The glory of God began to manifest in a new way. The change was remarkable from the very first week. It was not a comfortable confrontation but a necessary one.

Why You Must Confront Jezebel

Indeed, confrontation is never comfortable, but God confirmed the decision with signs following. If you are a prayer leader, a church leader, a family leader, or the leader of any group in which Jezebel’s intercessors have infiltrated, it’s your responsibility to confront it.

If you don’t confront it, you will open a portal of hell over your group and people will be indoctrinated into the depths of satan, spiritually castrated, and powerless to resist Jezebel—and they will resist your leadership.

It’s critical that you remember what Jesus said in Revelation 2:20-23 (NKJV). He was speaking to the church at Thyatira, but He wasn’t only speaking to the church at Thyatira. These letters were circulated to other churches and ultimately circulated to us. We need to take heed to what Jesus said:

Nevertheless I have a few things against you, because you allow that woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophetess, to teach and seduce My servants to commit sexual immorality and eat things sacrificed to idols. And I gave her time to repent of her sexual immorality, and she did not repent.

Indeed I will cast her into a sickbed, and those who commit adultery with her into great tribulation, unless they repent of their deeds. I will kill her children with death, and all the churches shall know that I am He who searches the minds and hearts. And I will give to each one of you according to your works.

That’s intense! If you are not confronting, you are tolerating. Tolerate means “to allow to be or to be done without prohibition, hindrance, or contradiction.” Tolerate means to put up with. I promise you, it won’t go well for you if you tolerate Jezebel. You can’t accept her behavior, condone her control, humor her manipulation, or submit to her seduction.

Many times, the Jezebel spirit can be confronted in the spirit realm, but just as often the person must be confronted face to face. You must use wisdom. You need to be led by the Holy Spirit. There is no cookie-cutter approach here. In my experience, there are three ways to confront Jezebel’s intercessors.

First, if you are a believer in a Jezebelic church, know that sometimes confronting looks like leaving. If Jezebel is allowed to run rampant and leadership won’t confront it or if the leadership itself is Jezebelic, confronting it face to face likely won’t do any good. You’ll only start a war you can’t fight alone. Remember, Jezebel is not a garden variety demon. Jezebel is a principality that works on the mind.

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[aectpen]

STRAWBERRY ✯ 𝙕𝙃𝘼𝙉𝙂 𝙃𝘼𝙊!

synopsis: 𝐢𝐧 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐚 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐮𝐧𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐲𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐮𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐟𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐢𝐝𝐨𝐥

pairing: Zhang Hao of ZB1 and fem!oc

status: ongoing

chapter 1: convenience

rina mindlessly straightened up the store like she did every friday night. you'd think someone her age would be out having fun or at the very least relaxing at home. but unfortunately, she had to work these nights.

i really need to get a life she thought.

her inner dialogue was cut off short by the bell at the front ringing signaling her to greet the customer and get back to the register.

"hello!" she forced a happy tone.

"hi."

strawberry.

she had given him this nickname as a code word to use with her friend. every time they had a crush on someone, they'd name them after a fruit when talking about them. but in this case, she didn't know his name. and she didn't have the courage to ask.

they had shared a few comments to each other, but it was only small talk.

"working late tonight?"

"late night snacks?"

it never went beyond a few sentences each interaction, but every time she saw him she hoped that it would. she also would try sneaking glances at him to catch his full face, but he always had a black mask.

"is that all?"

"yes."

she rang him up quickly and bagged his items with a slight smile.

"thank you!"

"no problem."

the moment he left she felt blood rush to her cheeks.

"he wants me so bad." she joked to herself.

once she was finished up for the night, she grabbed her belongings and left. the walk from the convenience store was a short one, but she always took a detour to the nearest park and went straight for the swings.

[haemini👭🏻 is calling..]

"boy do i have good news for you!"

"what happened to hello? how are you? my name is." rina joked.

"whatever, i'm going to a fansign tomorrow and guess who i'm taking?"

"..."

"RINA!"

"omg you're so loud you woke up the neighborhood." rina laughed. "what group is it this time? please tell me a girl group you've dragged me to enough boy groups'."

"well! it may or may not be a boy group.."

"haemin please i'm so tired. are they at the very least hot?"

"don't you trust my taste?"

"i guess,"

"ok then be ready by 1. bye i love you!"

"yeah yeah you too."

rina got up and took the short walk home.

haemin wasted no time rushing to rina's apartment the next day.

"rina you gotta learn their names come on."

haemin traced her finger along the photo book reciting each of their names to rina.

"zhang hao." rina repeated after her.

"why is he kinda cute. i'll give them their 10s there."

"see, i told you to trust my taste."

"whatever, shouldn't we get going now?"

once they made it to the fansign the area was packed. "you didn't tell me they were that popular."

everyone got situated in their seats anticipating the boys' entrance. rina couldn't lie, she was kinda excited. fansigns and concerts no matter the artists were something she enjoyed.

rina played tetris on her phone while waiting around. they were fairly close to the small stage. the girls around them screamed signaling their arrival.

haemin repeatedly smacked rina's arm in excitement. "ouch?"

"that's zhang hao right?" rina stared at him in awe. "he looks even better in real life, like a doll."

haemin purchased some gifts for them and gave me some to give. god knows how she funds this lifestyle.

"i shouldn't go up there, you should." rina said feeling awkward about talking with a group she knows nothing about.

"you know some facts i told you ask them about that."

"ok i'll try not to embarrass myself."

"you'll be fine come on."

rina started off with sung hanbin, he did most of the talking. asking her what he should write and how she became a fan. "well my friend actually introduced me to you guys and i fell in love." rina wasn't completely lying.

she got to zhang hao and he froze. she raised an eyebrow at his reaction. "um your name?" he seemed a bit awkward and rina liked that. there's nothing more attractive than a shy guy.

"rina." he quickly wrote the message on the album with a heart at the end.

they stared at each other for a bit before he broke the silence. "what's your favorite song of ours?"

"um in blue?" rina scratched the back of her neck. haemin did not train her enough this felt like a quiz.

zhang hao giggled at her response. "did you get dragged here by someone else? no hard feelings."

"yeah i'm sorry but i actually do like you guys now so something came out of it i guess?" rina felt a weight come off of her shoulders.

"that's good to hear."

something about him was familiar to rina but she couldn't put a finger on it.

for the rest of the time the boys interacted with each other on stage. rina could admit she did slowly grow a liking towards them.

#zhang hao x reader #zb1 #zerobaseone #zhang hao #boys planet #park gunwook #ricky #kim gyuvin #han yujin #kim jiwoong #kim taerae #seok matthew #sung hanbin #zb1 x reader #zerobaseone x reader #fluff #zb1 fluff #zb1 imagines #kpop #idol #kpop idol

[cyarskaren52]

Everything Ariana Madix Said During Gut-Wrenching Tom Sandoval Confrontation on Vanderpump Rules Finale

5/17/2023 7:15 PM PT

The moment "Vanderpump Rules" fans have been waiting all season to see is finally here -- and it was brutal to watch.

Production on the current season of the show had wrapped before Tom Sandoval's affair with Raquel Leviss was exposed to the entire world, but filming started up again just two days after Ariana Madix found a compromising video of her longtime partner and good friend on his phone.

"My stomach dropped into my f---ing ass," recalled Madix in a confessional of the moment she uncovered the affair at the very top of the hour. "I called Raquel and said, 'If you have ever given a s--- about me, tell me when this happened.'"

In his own confessional, he added, "I know what I did was really f---ed up and there's no excuse for it. I love her and I care about her. I just don't think we were happy. I really don't."

Before then launching into the episode proper, Madix said that the whole experience made her realize "there are evil, evil people in this world and sometimes they're the people closest to you and you have no idea."

What followed that opening was the only conversation between Ariana and Sandoval himself of the entire episode ... and it was absolutely gut-wrenching. The two were both inside their shared home, which they continued to live in together following the breakup. After he came downstairs to the kitchen and asked if she wanted anything, she cooly responded, "For you to die."

She then asked how his night was with Raquel the evening prior, as Sandoval said he was at Schwartz's. That, she said, meant nothing to her, since he had allegedly been engaged in his NSFW FaceTime with Leviss while at his BFF and business partner's home. She then reminded him that he hadn't yet apologized to her for what he "actually did."

"Every time I try to apologize to you, it just makes you more angry," he began. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to hurt you. I really did not want to hurt you."

She reacted with shock to his statement, pointing out that if that wasn't his intention, he probably shouldn't have continued "to do something repeatedly, over and over and over again" he knew would hurt her.

"I've been with you for 9 years. When you were literally wearing combat boots and skinny jeans, and didn't have a f---ing dime to your name driving a 1997 Honda Civic. I loved you then, when you had nothing," she told him. "You got a little bit of money, a little bar, a little band and then this girl is going to act enamored with you. That's what you want, huh? You want someone to just gas you up."

Of Raquel, she said she was "searching for identity in men," has "no identity of her own" and was "willing to stoop so low as to f--- one of her best friend's life partners." She then asked whether he thought that's the kind of person who's good "to be around."

"I don't know how it happened, but it happened. We became really good friends. I was seeking something that I wasn't getting here and that's selfish, really selfish. It's horrible," Tom responded. "Me and Raquel became really good friends."

"I DON'T GIVE A F--- ABOUT F---ING RAQUEL. YOUR FRIENDSHIP IS F--ING BULLS---!" Madix then exclaimed, before calling their relationship "disgusting." He, however, said the relationship between them was real, because Leviss treated him with "f---ing respect, something I haven't gotten from you in a long time."

After she wondered why he felt the need to "f--- my friend," he said their relationship wasn't "about f---ing" but was actually built on "a connection where we are respecting each other and giving each other confidence." Sandoval claimed things between him and Ariana were no longer "the same" as they once were, also saying they were "separated all the time," "had no sex life" and left him feeling like he had "lost all my mojo."

"Once I turned 40, I was like, 'This can't be the rest of my life," he told her, before she said that's what something like couple's therapy is for.

Sandoval then claimed that she was the one who "put pressure" on him to stay in the relationship, saying that he even told her two weeks prior that he wanted "to end things." While he said she told him, "I am not letting you break up with me, you're gonna have to force me out of this," she said that if he was truly determined to call things off then, he "should have never been in my bed after that night."

"Don't be a f---ing coward," she then told him.

Tom went on to say that the affair wasn't "just about somebody stroking my ego" or about Raquel's looks, saying it "came from something much deeper." As he said the two became "a support system to each other," Madix exploded again, telling him to shut up.

"I don't want to hear it because it's f---ing disgusting. Are you guys gonna kiss, hug, talk about your deep connection? I was ride or f--ing die for you and I had her back as well," said Madix. "The fact she's continued to smile in my face is one of the most god-awful disgusting things I've ever heard of."

She then delivered the most brutal blow of the episode, in what would be an Emmy-winning performance if reality TV shows had such an award.

"I regret every moment that I stood up for you, defended you, supported you. You're worth nothing and I want you to feel that deep in your soul. I want you to hear those words coming from the mouth of the woman that f---ing stood by you and loved you and was ready to build the rest of my life around you," she told him. "Hear my words and know that's how I feel about you. I regret ever loving you."

She then asked, "Any last words before we never speak again?"

"I never thought this would happen. I thought we'd be together forever," he said, before they both started to cry. "I would have followed you everywhere," she responded, saying through tears that she would "have changed any part of whatever you weren't happy with" and was "was 100% committed to you as of literally two days ago."

The conversation ended with Tom saying that while she can think "whatever you want" about where they are now, the two had "some really good times" before it all went south. All she could do was say, "Yeah," before he walked out of the room in tears.

That was the only time the two came face-to-face in the episode, which also didn't include any confrontation between Ariana and Raquel herself. Viewers will have to wait for that until the reunion, which kicks off next Wednesday on Bravo.

#vanderpump rules #the drama #personal #bravo #TomSandoval #Apology #vanderpumprules #TeamAriana #RaquelLeviss #drama #pumprules #Scandoval #bravotv #VanderpumpRules #Rachel and Tom are both not seeing heaven for doing Ariana so wrong. #The punkassness #The bitchassery #The cowardice #the unfaithfulness #The caucasity #The cuntery #the fuckery #The dustbucketery #The crustiness #the gumption #the nerve #the karma they deserved.

[lionheartslowstart]

Claire

Back in 2019, my relationship with my best friend of 20 years ended. I won’t rehash all the details, or tell the whole story, but suffice it to say it was an extremely volatile, and in many ways, traumatic, breakup.

It’s been about four years since it happened. So of course with time and reflection, my feelings towards her, and even the situation itself, have changed. Not drastically mind you, but still noticeably different. I find that when I think about my ex best friend, whom I have referred to on here as “Claire,” my feelings are increasingly mixed. Much more mixed than they were at the time.

Claire and I had known each other since Kindergarten. We grew up together. We shared many special moments. And despite how everything came crashing down in the end, I will always love her, and love her in a way I don’t think I could ever love anyone else.

That said, again, our friend-breakup was nothing short of a cataclysm. I mean it was really, really bad. I still hold a lot of resentment, anger, and pain in my heart over the whole thing. Claire hurt me in ways I never ever thought she would, or even could, honestly. Hers was a betrayal that I genuinely don’t think could ever be equalled by anyone else, simply due to both the magnitude of that betrayal, as well as the high position she held in my life. Even if I wanted to, I could never fully forgive her for what she put me through.

Yet, I truly don’t believe Claire is a bad person. I never thought Claire was a bad person. In fact (and I’ve said this many times), I would say that Claire is the only one to abuse me whom I can say with certainty is a good person.

Like I said, I watched Claire grow up. And I’m sorry to say I watched her become an extremely embittered person. At first it hurt simply to watch it happen. Then it hurt because I was on the receiving end of that bitterness. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s much easier to target rage at those with whom you are the most comfortable than it is to target rage at those who have truly wronged you.

Don’t get me wrong, I, too, am an extremely bitter person. But I don’t lash out at other people the way she did. (At least, I hope not!) I take responsibility when I do something harmful to the people I care about. I listen. I acknowledge that just because I am a traumatized person, that does not mean that I am the victim in every situation. I’ll be honest, I used to do those things. But I worked my butt off to unlearn those behaviors and toxic coping mechanisms. For all I know, Claire may have done that work as well by now, but she certainly hadn’t at the time. 

But again, all of that said, I am adamant that Claire is good. I can’t see her any other way. She was just so angry. And I wish with all my heart there was something I could have done to help her.

I’ve always stood by the opinion that I didn’t do anything wrong. I could write an entire essay about everything Claire did to hurt me, but every time I asked her what I had done that made me such a “selfish, bad friend” (her words), all she would tell me is that I wasn’t listening to her, that I never listened to her, and so there was no point in her explaining further. Which, of course, endlessly confused me because, isn’t that exactly what I was trying to do? She was genuinely horrid to me for four months, and I never ever knew why. In my mind, she invented some reason to push me away, and then did so in the most violent way possible. Even a mutual friend told me they asked her directly what I had done, and she couldn’t them give a real answer either.

It’s difficult for me to consider I may have done something to hurt Claire. Especially considering how hard I fought for our friendship while she was nothing but cold and nasty to me. Just one example is during the three months leading up to the end, I asked her repeatedly what was bothering her, since I knew she had started avoiding me. And she just kept telling me she was fine and I was imagining it. I feel I did everything in my power to try to understand where she was coming from, and to try and fix things. I believe with all my heart that I was a good friend. Not a perfect friend. But a good one.

As time has passed, I’ve begun to wonder, could I have hurt her in some way? Could I have said something, or done something, anything, to make her feel the way she did? Sadly, even if that is the case, all that tells me is that she didn’t care about our friendship as much as I did. She had so many opportunities, both during our friendship and during this conflict, to express her feelings and needs to me, and try to work things out, and she chose not to. She chose to let her resentment build instead of just talking to me, and then she just threw everything away. Very easily, I might add.

Even so, I miss her. How could I not? She was such a major part of my life for more than 2/3rds of it! For many years she lived ten minutes away from me, and I saw her almost every day. Most of the time we would just sit in silence, watching TV or going on a drive. We didn’t need it to be anything more, or anything else. Our friendship was special, and nothing else can or will ever replace it.

Make no mistake! I LOVE my best friend. We have our own special relationship, as I have known her since we were 12, and we have gone through some quite unique trials and tribulations that have brought us closer together. She is, far and away, the kindest, warmest person I have ever known. She is literal sunshine. I wouldn’t trade her for anyone or anything in the entire world. Even if, by some miracle, Claire and I ever worked things out, she could never replace my best friend. Never in a million years. Truthfully, she has almost always been a much better friend to me than Claire was in the last several years of our friendship.

Still, none of that takes away from the feelings I will always have for Claire.

We have texted back and forth a handful of times over the course of the last few years. No matter what, I’m glad we’ve been able to have that kind of distant relationship. Several months back, maybe even a year ago at this point, I spoke to Claire on the phone for the first time since everything ended between us. We both cried and told each other we still loved each other no matter what, and always will. It was a really beautiful moment. I’ve spoken to her maybe once since then, and that’s been it. And I have a feeling that will be it for the rest of our lives.

I think about Claire a lot. I sincerely hope things are going well for her, and that she’s happy. I often find myself wondering if there was anything that could have been done. Maybe if I had been more observant, or if she had been more direct. 

I do also think the difference in our neurotypes probably contributed to our friendship ending. Not that Claire would ever consciously end a friendship with someone for being autistic. But we had very different needs and methods of communication, and she would get very angry with me for things I simply cannot control. Sometimes I wonder if things might have been different if I had gotten my autism diagnosis sooner. But I’m not sure it would have made a difference.

There are so many what ifs. So many things I wonder about, that if only x or y had been different, would we still be friends? But deep down in my heart, I know that it could not have been different. I think that, with the given circumstances being what they were, there was nothing that could change the outcome. We were always going to end up where we did.

Twice since the falling out I communicated to Claire that, should she ever want to grab coffee and catch up, I would be open to that. The first time by letter (yes, the snail mail kind, what do you want I’m old fashioned), and the second time over text. The first time she basically told me she didn’t know how to respond, and the second time she told me she was interested, but she had too much going on at the time to put effort into planning it. Both times I told her I was here if she ever changed her mind. But she has never pursued it, so I guess I have my answer. It hurts, but I know it’s probably for the best.

Besides, the fact is, even if Claire did want to meet up for coffee some day, I know it would be a bad idea. It’s truly devastating, but I just don’t think we can be in each other’s lives, and I need to accept that.

--------------------

Friends

by Ian McConnell

I wish coffee made your teeth whiter I wish p*rn was good for your brain I wish artists didn't need money I wish billionaires were less vain I wish cheese were not so expensive I wish doing taxes was fun I wish one night stands were romantic I wish guys could c*m more than once I wish ice cream made you more healthy I wish weed was good for your heart I wish exercise were less sweaty I wish drinks were cheaper in bars I wish we could all be less racist And I wish the Bible made sense I wish phones were not so addictive And I wish we coulda stayed friends When our never-meant-to-be relationship ended All the life we lived and now we're strangers again All the time we put in All the things that we've been I wish I had known what I wanted I wish you had never got mean I wish we had started off honest I wish I had made you feel seen I wish you were less narcissistic I wish I had known how to help Wish you coulda seen what I loved in you Instead of hating yourself I wish I had met you when Covid Wasn't fucking up our whole lives I wish both of us were less lonely From our months of staying inside I wish (you) were more understanding I wish (I was) way less intense Maybe then you could still stand me 'Cause I wish we coulda stayed friends When our never-meant-to-be relationship ended All the life we lived and now we're strangers again All the time we put in All the things that we've been And it isn't all your fault But some of it is And some of it's mine And some of it's just Bad timing And shitty circumstances I wish Amazon were less evil I wish climate change were a hoax Wish I didn't have to be sad as fuck To write my funniest jokes I wish you would someday forgive me I swear I was trying my best And I know it wasn't an option But I wish we coulda stayed friends When our never-meant-to-be relationship ended All the life we lived and now we're strangers again All the time we put in All the things that we've been I just wish we coulda stayed friends When our never-meant-to-be relationship ended All the life we lived and now we're strangers again All the time we put in All the things that we've been I just wish we coulda stayed Just wish we coulda stayed

#friends #ex friend #ex best friend #best friend #friendship #loss #betrayal #personal

[creek-cryptid-deluxe]

Man... this holiday break has been a wild ride.

So the kids were meant to be with their respective mothers until 2 days from now. Well, the eldest & only boy, V, called us 3 separate times in the first week of break sobbing asking us to come get him. Apparently since he is doing what 13 yr old boys do (argue, refuse to leave his room, and looks/sounds like his dad) she lost her shit on him 3 separate times. Once she screamed that she hates him repeatedly & another she threatened to call the cops on him because he refused to leave his room, then threatened to call them accusing L of kidnapping (which is insane given that they have equal custody/guardianship & V clearly asked to be here). Each time we obviously grabbed him immediately no questions asked. Then she proceeded to blow up his phone & L's with absurd threats & vitrol about how L made V like him on purpose to torture her & she hates them both. Each time he stayed a night or two, hung out with me making cookies & talking about pokemon and random stuff he's recently learned. The first time, we had errands he didn't want to go on, so L was chatting with him before we left telling him he loves him. I chimed in with "And it may not mean a ton to you, but I love you too dude." Then the last time, as he was walking out the door, thanking me for the bags of cookies he had stashed in his pockets, I said "Anytime! Love you, man!" & I actually got a "love you too" as he closed the door behind him.

We definitely gave him most of his Christmas stuff early. That poor kid.

Then that same ex (Ex1) text L that apparently my grand scheme is to wait til we are common law married & take the house. I laughed because...

#1 in our state, common law has nothing to do with time. A couple makes a choice to present themselves as married.

#2 he had the house prior to our relationship thus it wouldn't be a marital asset.

#3 this woman knows fuckall about me except what the kids say or what fabricated nonsense she's heard from Ex2 (my former friend). But her assumptions & theories really speak to who she is as a person.

L has repeatedly apologized for how stressful they are for the 4 months I've been here. I keep reminding him that not only did I know exactly what I was getting into, but I grew up with a mom, stepmom, and every woman on my mom's side of the family being so so much worse than these 2 narcissists that make a ton of empty threats. Like Ex2 won't come near the house because I'm here (& I guess i intimidate her) but she drunkenly called his voice-mail to threaten my life. I laughed & told him that my mom's been trying to make that happen since I was 2 yrs old and hasn't managed to succeed, so sure, come for me. Their antics don't phase me at all (which really says some unpleasant things about how I was raised). I'm only bothered by how it impacts him & the kids.

Anyway after visiting my grandma, dad, brother & his fam at Grandma's house yesterday, we've just laid in bed. He plays Skyrim & I assist in reminding him of things or pointing out stuff he doesn't see while using his gift to me (a massive set of crochet needles) to remind myself of how tf to crochet or embroidering patches for a boring pair of jeans I own. We have to go shopping for some stuff today but after that plan on doing the same thing today. Except I might do some adventure mode garbage on D3.

Also today my right hip won't stay put... so he has decided that he will be super gluing them into the sockets "like I did to my old GI Joes that fell apart as a kid". I am legit telling my doctor about his plans when i go in for my monthly visit. She'll think it's hilarious.

#life with l #the house gremlins

[xxyourlittleangelz]

It's funny to me that you say oh my father touched me but yet you fucking talk about older guys like a slut? You really think people believe that shit story? Your bringing down a innocent man that did nothing wrong something I've proven before if you hated it like you fucking claim you would've done something but to hear you tell you didn't do anything? :) sis no one believes you stop fucking trying it's people like you that send innocent people to jail your trash :) oh I'm sorry that's fucking offensive to trash if I was a man I wouldn't want you your nothing but a sorry excuse for a person and the fact you sit there and say oh I'm so nice sis who are you nice to? :) oh what was that? No one? Fucking bingo bitch I wish I could spit in your fucking face for talking like you do about someone who doesn't deserve it instead of drooling over ugly ass older men why don't you get help :)

✨🌸I’m gonna assume this is the same anon?✨🌸

✨🌸First off you're information Is incorrect✨🌸

✨🌸He was my STEPDAD✨🌸

✨🌸and like I've repeatedly told you I did try✨🌸

✨🌸But I'm sorry if I didn't want to be hit anymore because you know after a while it hurts✨🌸

✨🌸i’m sorry if you don't believe me or if anyone else does I'm not talking about it to get pity✨🌸

✨🌸I can't change the past.. No one can unfortunately no matter how much we may want to✨🌸

✨🌸I post about my personal feelings simply because this is the only means for me to stay afloat✨🌸

✨🌸I’m (like many others) are not lucky enough to have even just ONE person in their life that will listen with care✨🌸

✨🌸I’ve cried so many nights🌸✨

✨🌸All because..my heart hurts✨🌸

✨🌸Do you know what its like hearing someone who is supposed to be you're father say “You look so tight I bet you feel really nice”🌸✨

✨🌸Can’t tell mom because she wouldn't believe it✨🌸

✨🌸Do you know what its like to constantly be afraid of being touched? Or even being loved? I'm scared to be loved or to love someone✨🌸

✨🌸do you know the pressure I have every day because I have to be a mom? I have to ensure my siblings have the love and care they need because our mom is with her boyfriend and his kid✨🌸

✨🌸I have to constantly ensure that they don't feel completely thrown away✨🌸

✨🌸I hold them when their sick, I cook for them, I clean, I help them with their school, I listen to them when they need to talk, I hold their hand when their scared✨🌸

✨🌸This place? Is my escape a place where I'm free even if it's just a couple of minutes✨🌸

✨🌸I can be truly free and I really treasure that✨🌸

✨🌸and you if think that touching a child inappropriately is okay you're the one who needs help, touching ANYONE inappropriately isn't okay✨🌸

✨🌸and he does deserve it because he ruined me mentally✨🌸

✨🌸i can't look at certain things the same because of him✨🌸

✨🌸You wanna spit in my face? Fine go-ahead it wouldn't be the first time✨🌸

✨🌸 I’m a sorry excuse? I'm not nice? Anon who do I talk to? I mainly just answer any asks I may have✨🌸

✨🌸Yes on an occasion I'll other people asks but it's rare✨🌸

✨🌸And I've always said if I'm being annoying tell me✨🌸

✨🌸Let me put to you like this✨🌸

✨🌸I know what it’s like to ache for love just in general to have someone say “hey you did you're best” or “I'm proud of you” I lacked a lot of love from my parents growing up I really did✨🌸

✨🌸and even as a little girl I told myself “Don’t be like them” “don’t hurt people” my heart has been broken so many times, it’s powder at this point✨🌸

✨🌸but yet…I still people🌸✨

✨🌸you never know what someone else is going through anon, you never truly know the demons their fighting off✨🌸

✨🌸why add another one?🌸✨

✨🌸people are like gardens, if you tend and care for it, it has a chance to grow into something amazing🌸✨

✨🌸but if you neglect it, it could wilt away🌸✨

✨🌸so I might be trash, I don’t have anything to offer people other than some kind words🌸✨

✨🌸a pat on the back or a hug🌸✨

✨🌸but I’m willing to give that because you never truly know anon.. just how close someone is to jumping off the edge🌸✨

✨🌸you never know how dark someone’s sky is🌸✨

✨🌸but the sunshine that breaks through the clouds anon🌸✨